Ep 569 - A Derosa Garden (feat. Joe Derosa)

Wow, wow, wow, Wes.

Two hours.

We're doing two.

Whatever you want to do.

Yeah, just know the pace.

I like that, man.

I like that approach.

Can you guys not release this till October?

Can you?

I'm joking.

I was going to say, I thought they're special.

Yeah, I'm done.

Yeah.

Also, I was waiting to share it for this episode.

Thank you.

I was in a tomb on Monday.

Dude, I was.

Trust me.

When you hit me back, I was like,

he just did it.

He's got a joking.

He's in the tomb.

I

Sorry, because discussing the tomb I was just in is the tomb was sarcophagus.

I was in.

I've risen.

I'm Lazarus right now.

This is the third day.

I'm actually.

What's the tomb?

Is the tomb the bed or the couch?

The tomb is, I just played, there's a new game called Ready or Not, and I played it for two days.

That's awesome.

I played the entire, I played every mission.

Meanwhile, it's so long.

Psychologically, what's the thought process?

Is the thought process all the mission or the mission?

Usually it's

on the mission, which is all right.

So, that's one it might be a bad way to deal with stress

because I'm just focused on that.

And then you go, oh shit, I forgot about all the problems.

You know what I mean?

You're not

trying to work out any problems.

They're going, we got to fucking clear this room, fellas.

Breach, breach.

Then while you respawn, you have 15 seconds.

You get killed on some bullshit way, and then you go, yeah, fucking bullshit game.

Fucking this game sucks.

Oh, shit.

I forgot my life sucked, too.

Fuck.

Fuck.

The game's awesome.

I suck.

Is it a war game?

Yeah, it's just you're a SWAT team.

Ooh.

You're going to love it.

And the video games are back, dude.

These guys made a wild-ass game.

Oh, man.

I want to get that.

You're breaking into like child porn fucking facilities.

You're breaking.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

It's really dark.

What?

Fucked up game.

I'm getting that today.

Yeah, well.

Get ready to enter the tomb.

How good does it feel clear in the child porn sanctuary?

It feels good.

Yeah, that's nice.

It feels really good.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Yeah.

So there's just a blast.

You just blast them.

I was about to say you blast everyone in there.

Yep.

You go, what the fuck are you guys doing, dude?

That's totally fair.

If you're in like an industrial childborn place.

What?

Yeah, you clear out like a school shooting.

Can you run away?

You can hide for a while.

Fucking A.

This game sounds fucking awesome.

It sounds like every dude's fantasy is wrapped up into one.

It's like obviously stopping a school shooting.

Obviously wearing SWAT gear.

Just that alone.

Everyone wants to wear SWAT tactical gear.

Although, ever since I saw the picture of Big Chungus at the protest during BLM, I realized I could never rock the SWAT gear.

What?

Too big to wear SWAT gear.

How so?

When you're a big guy in SWAT gear, it looks fucking hilarious.

Have you ever seen it?

Have you ever seen a big fat guy in SWAT gear?

Never thought about it.

I'll show you Big Chungus.

I feel like you would look like a Juggernaut.

There's also, there is that.

Yeah.

There is that.

I could wear the hurt locker fucking

and just be juggernaut.

But juggernaut sucks.

You get shot fucking nine million times.

You play games, man?

No, I can't have it, man.

I won't stop playing it.

It's like a complete time suck.

And you got to be full family, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I imagine there's not a ton of.

But wait, do you play with the kids, though?

Not yet.

It's getting there, though.

There could be some aerial kart with a five-year-old soon.

Yeah.

You can't be the jungles.

That's insane.

You can't be the big jungles.

He didn't have the right gear.

His gear is too small.

Yeah, that's a big thing.

Getting too fat for your tactical gear would be tough.

Yeah.

Because then it's literally life or death.

You have viscera exposed.

Yeah, that looks like when they brought back Boba Fett, but he was fat now.

And they didn't adjust the costume.

It was like up here.

Some Australian dude's just been drinking for 10 years.

And they're like, you want to do the role again?

He's like, yeah, fuck it.

Yeah.

Man, whiten on this call.

Fuck.

His helmet's like a Yamaka on his head.

I didn't know.

Bofo is an Australian man, or he's, or he might be from um, because if that's the case, he lives actually on New Zealand,

I think he's New Zealand.

Oh, okay, yeah, that guy that he was in that movie When We Were Kings,

which I feel like is I always

think I've heard of that movie as I was saying it, I was like, I feel like Shane, this is a movie Shane would love, but I'm basing that only on the title When We Were Kings, it's just something a movie you would love.

Was it drunk once?

Drunken every night.

We were kings.

Yeah, what's the movie?

We were the fucking best.

The movie takes place at a bus stop.

It takes place at a bus stop in West Philadelphia.

I think it's about like, I think it's kind of like Slum Dog Millionaire, except in New Zealand, or one of those kind of movies.

Okay.

I think, or like City of God.

Maybe it's like that.

City of God's awesome.

I've never seen either movie.

I heard they're both great.

City of God's awesome.

Yeah.

I'm a big title movie.

I like subtitles on the Irish.

I'm a big subtitle movie guy.

I like that.

Let's talk movies.

What?

Let's talk movies we've never seen.

Let's talk movies.

City of God.

City of God rules.

You'd like it.

Wait.

I want to look up when we were kids.

I'm going to look it up at one point.

When we were kidding.

Maybe the best movie analysis ever.

I don't know what it's about.

It's like two movies I've ever seen.

It's a guy from

New Zealand.

I just saw one of the shittiest movies I've ever fucking seen.

What?

Opus,

the new John Malkovich movie.

Where,

all right, let me just shoot the premise at you, and you'll immediately know we're off to a bad start.

John Malkovich plays a once-famous

RB pop singer.

How does he do that?

Who disappears?

He was like big in the 80s, and then he disappears and comes back 30 years later for his Opus.

He's putting out another album after 30 years of absence.

That always works.

Yeah.

it's John Malkovich.

Damn, it'd be nice if it was like late Kells, like, yo, pussy is a buffet.

I love yo, pussy.

I thought they were going to make him like a, you know, like a fucking Pink Floydy dude.

Yeah.

But I heard the premise.

And I'm like, oh, no, he's like a dance singer.

Like a fucking, like, like, like, it's so.

And then they, so all these people get invited to his big compound.

to listen to the record and everybody starts dying and it's it's it's get out it's like the 57th time they've remade get out since fucking get out came out it is what sucks dick it is a terrible fucking movie who's the villain who's who's

he is

you're describing a pretty sick fucking movie you'd think you'd think it fucking sucks also sounds like uh an event that me and my squad should probably breach and

yes yeah tie up the civilians make sure everybody's taking care of

you could have stopped it i could have stopped it you could have stopped the onslaught there's gonna be some people this game's a hit dude Yes.

There's going to be some people breaching some houses.

You think so?

I think so.

Because it does give you that

desire.

Yeah, your ex-wife's got a new boyfriend.

That would be good.

You get four of your boys.

You go, all right, stack the door.

Yeah.

They should be doing school drop-off on the fucking shotgun the lock frag it.

7.45.

They haven't left yet.

They should be doing drop-off right now.

We're going in.

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I think they

don't think I'm making this up.

Didn't they use Forza to actually train

race drivers?

Didn't they actually play fucking Forza as like a simulation before they got on the actual run?

I'm not sure, probably.

Grant, yeah.

Oh, Grant Turismo.

That's what it was.

Yeah, that makes sense.

It's insane, though, that games are getting like, I actually think what you're saying is, I think, like, these games actually could be like tactical training before you're in the field.

I mean, you know?

Yeah, Nate's all.

I would have failed.

Fucking civilian came running around the corner.

I was like, oh,

he was running right at me.

Everybody saw that.

Scared the shit out of me.

They do scare you.

How do you distinguish anything?

There's a oh, the worst one, there's like a for real, there's like a pulse nightclub

shoot.

And the thing that they did in the game that always fucked me up from the actual shooting that people described it was everyone's phones going off.

That was dead.

Whoa.

Like when the cops went in to clear it out, you could just hear every phone in the building buzzing, which is so sad.

Yeah, I didn't think about that.

And they kept that in the game.

That's in the game.

It's like a fucked up game.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

That used to be,

that used to get a lot of backlash.

Remember there was a Modern Warfare where you had to kick down the airport shooter?

Yeah, yeah.

There was like, people were like, this is fucked up.

This is too far.

And then other people were like, no, this is important.

Well, it's definitely not important.

It's fucking crazy.

That mission was awesome.

That mission was crazy.

I don't know.

I feel like it is important.

If you just sit there and do that for hours and hours and hours, I do feel like if the real thing happened, you might on some level be more prepared.

Well, that's exactly the problem because in this mission, you are the shooters.

Oh, no.

First half, you walk around with a machine gun in a fucking airport.

You're an airport shooter?

Yes.

Wait, I don't remember that part.

The first part, you were the shooter.

No, you're not.

You're literally just going through killing every civilian.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's really bad.

All right.

That might be too far.

It's not.

Yeah, that's not good.

That's why they, that's why Call of Duty hit the old switcheroo.

I'm a purple woman sliding.

Yeah.

All right.

I see it.

They hit the pinnacle.

They hit the peak.

They're like, we made the top of the mountain.

Although in Grand Theft Auto, you're essentially doing that anyway.

Grand Theft Auto, there's rumors that there is a Pride Parade in the city.

No.

Fellas, don't.

Don't.

Don't let me catch you.

Don't, dude.

Those videos are going to be fucking chaos.

Oh, no.

Every single person that downloads the game

going straight to the game.

I do feel like, to be fair.

No way.

No way.

And they go,

what would happen?

To be fair, it's time the hookers and GTA get a break.

Yeah.

True.

The hookers are going to be watching and be like, thank fucking God.

Finally, we can relax.

They're next.

And once you get five stars from the fucking parade, you're headed straight to the fucking strip club.

They're really doing that.

That's so funny.

Yeah, they're doing that.

I wonder if they'll make it off limits.

I think they're going to reel this game back.

It'll get hacked.

That game gets hacked, too.

I think they're going to reel this one back.

I was friends with this guy, Laszlo, that was one of the top developed guys.

He was the guy that put us all into the games and shit.

And he left.

I forgot you were in Grand Theft Auto.

Yeah, five.

That's fucking awesome.

It's wild.

That is awesome.

Face is in it.

The Mocap.

was insane.

Dave.

Mocap's a nightmare.

It would suck.

How much did you feel like it?

You must have looked nuts in a mocap.

By the way, it was old school mocap.

Wasn't this fucking Harrison Fortunate where they put blue dots on your face?

Like, I had a helmet on with like a camera on my face.

It was crazy.

You had to wear like a frog suit, like Green Man.

What?

What's your role?

What did you play?

There's...

When you go into the save house or the safe house, whatever it's called,

there's a TV

on their shows you can watch, and there's a show with the whoever the action star is in that series that's like the Stallone type.

Yeah.

It's a reality show about him.

And I play his new agent, and I'm like this Cokehead.

And it's me and him.

We did like, we shot like 30 minutes.

We shot a full episode of this thing.

Whoa.

And it's in the game.

And then we went back and did additional content later that never got released that I just had to sign crazy NDAs about.

I'm not allowed to talk about it.

Whoa, that's awesome.

But anyway, it was awesome.

It was fucking funny.

She fucks you in this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

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But that guy, this guy Laszlo was like,

he put Burr and Bobby Kell, everybody in.

And they had stand-up in, was it four or five?

Yeah, I think Burr.

No, Gervais is doing stand-up.

I think Cat Williams.

Yeah, Cat Williams.

You want to go watch stand-up and it actually has a comedian in it.

That's pretty crazy.

Yeah.

You can bring your gun in there and you can shoot you.

Bro, stand-up special.

He's too short.

GTA animated fucking awesome special where you're just in a mocap suit.

You perform live in a mocap suit and they recreate it in GTA 5.

And people can just like shoot people.

Really?

That's what I'm saying.

That's fucking sick.

It literally did that.

That's awesome.

You can walk in.

There's a comedy club and it's Ricky Gervais.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

It was nuts when we did it because it was like early days of that.

Not early, but you know, early 80s.

You should do that now again.

Yeah.

And just put it out as a game.

Yeah.

Just be like, this is my special.

You'd shoot me.

It's live.

Yeah.

Nobody hears it.

Nobody hears the first joke ever.

They had this fucking,

we were in this green room and they had all these plastic like structures and like they'd be like, that's your car.

So like open the door and sit in it, whatever.

And you would do it and then they'd be like, okay, come over here and look at this.

And it was rendering in real time.

Whoa, so you'd walk over, and you'd, it didn't look like it did in the game, but it was like, Yeah, you getting into a fucking car in a video game immediately.

It was crazy, it was fucking crazy.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Dude, this is like 2009.

This is a while, really.

But anyway, yeah, the game made $5 billion.

I got paid three grand.

And I remember calling Laszlo and going, I want a copy of Max Payne 3.

And he goes, you fucking comics, man, always looking for free shit.

I go, your game just made a billion dollars.

You paid me three grand.

Send me fucking Max Payne 3 right now.

And he's like, all right, that's fair, dude.

I'll cast anyway.

Let me put it that way.

But I think it's the point I'm ultimately getting at is I have a feeling with his absence.

I feel like they're going to reel back in this one.

I just don't think it's like Eminem saying, look, man, times changed.

Nobody wants this anymore.

I'm just not doing it anymore.

I feel like they're going to pull back.

Whether you're not kind of proven everyone wants it.

Yeah, well, that's a good point.

Yeah.

That's a good point.

It should be like in Mortal Kombat.

Then you have to put in a setting for like...

It should have settings.

If you want to play kind of like, you know, reeled back GTA, you can just hit a setting.

If you want to go nuts, it should just be, you get to be Hunter Biden.

Yeah, there was the

blood code.

Hunter Biden's rocking right now.

He's rocking right now.

That fired me up.

He might be, dude, he might put it too.

He's literally the O'Connor man.

He's, did you hear the way he was speaking?

I've had that conversation with O'Connor 10 million times.

I saw the clip.

He's like, that motherfucker wants to fucking talk shit.

I'm like, damn, this is the OCAN man.

I just fought him at Lala's for fucking 10 hours with this exact dude.

He's a psycho.

He's a fucking idiot.

O'Connor is a fucking psycho.

I've seen him get angrier than, and I'm an angry dude.

O'Connor gets hot, man.

O'Connor, yeah.

And I know exactly how to do it.

And it's so funny.

Dude, you're fucking

Batman, dude.

Remember Batman in the Justice League comics?

He had a way to kill every member of the Justice League just in case it went sideways.

That's Shane with every one of his friends.

I know exactly how to piss you off, dude.

I'm going to do it right now.

Only Diocon Man.

The Ocon Man is just the.

I don't want to ever do that really to you guys.

You do get the O'Connor.

You get the O'Connor fired up.

It's really funny.

He also, he knows too, though.

He'll feel it.

You'll start hitting the buttons and he'll go, I'm not doing this with you.

And then

eventually.

You can't.

You can't.

He always

fucked up.

I'm not doing that right now.

And they go, yeah, you are.

This is a classic O'Connor room, right?

Right?

When he starts getting hot, he goes like this.

Dude, what the fuck are you talking talking about?

You've breached his wall.

Yeah, you've climbed his wall at that point.

You're fully inside the cereal.

Dude, we were arguing.

You took the Trojan horse.

He fell asleep.

You're cutting everybody's heads off.

Shit over.

Shane and I were arguing about Prince.

I was pro-Prince.

Shane was anti-Prince.

It was our argument.

O'Connor jumped in.

O'Connor got so

lost his fucking mind.

But hold on.

Hold on.

That was, you want to talk about great, great drunks yeah this was one of the all-time drunks this was coming back from london back to back to the united states and we had uh

like a private room

we were flying we it wasn't private it wasn't private jet but they have this thing you they're cheap as fuck yeah everybody should be doing there's like a vip thing at big airports for like a thousand dollars yeah where they just that you have your own security you have your own thing and then they just put you in a room with free alcohol and then they're like guys the flight got delayed by two hours and everyone in the room was just like green light

and we got

we

drank vodka for three hours and argued about prince for three straight hours and

no command was my staunchest ally oh come man

went oh he went nuts anti-prince he was like play one fucking song

play one fucking song And Shane was being like, appreciate your support, Chris.

You got to back it off, dude.

Like, you're going crazy right now.

They should have reached out to air traffic control.

Like, we got to get this plane up, but this is a disaster.

We have a disaster.

There was smoke in the fucking room.

Yeah, it was smoke in the room.

It was.

I didn't know this existed.

Yeah.

Either did I.

I did it once.

This is the second time I've done it.

I did it once at JFK, and it was the biggest waste of money of all time.

Really?

Just a woman met me at baggage.

Yeah.

And walked me through and then took me to an airport lounge.

And they were like, and then she left, and then they were like, You can't come in here.

I was like, Oh, shit.

Oh, that sucks.

That sucks.

The closest I got around.

I imagine it was just a regular lounge.

Do you ever do like a someone in a wheelchair at the airport?

That's that's fucking VIP status.

Yeah.

When my wife was super pregnant, she got the wheelchair, and you just go through like a weird corridor.

It's awesome.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be a flex, dude.

If you got to hit the regular airport,

hit the chair.

I should start hitting the chair anyway.

Blanket, blanket,

blanket over my fucking head.

Get it like a blackjack dealer poker player visor.

Just get pushed through the airport.

It's the fucking airport.

Just get blacked out.

Start screaming about Prince from a wheelchair.

Just get the Stephen Hawking setup for when you're blacked out.

Just blink.

Like, do you want another?

Do you want some more peanuts?

Just go.

Start blinking.

Tony, you should get just.

Just getting up occasionally.

Be like, all right,

one more beer.

Just walking up.

Get towed by the cart.

Have the guy, have the Egyptian guy scream, get out of the way.

And you just get towed behind,

That would be nice.

Or squat up.

Just have like six or four

get biker vests.

Just get six or five.

Get the Mario cart.

You're saying turn the JFK into toads turn bike.

Isn't that insane?

Isn't that insane, though, that somebody could get so fat, they could just get VIP?

A treatment.

It's crazy.

It's insane.

It's crazy, dude.

It's like ancient times.

Like, if someone was super fat back in the day, you're like, yeah, Yeah, I think if people found just vague records of our civilization, they'd be like, they worshipped fat people.

Yeah.

They did everything for the fat people.

Dude, when I was reading about the Aztecs, there was one of the guys that Cortez linked up with who was like a rival against Montezuma.

He was a fat king, and he had servants literally hold his belly up for him.

So he would come talking like, yo, we got to fuck up Montezuma.

And he had two guys the whole time just holding his belly while they talked.

That's what he used to be like doing YKWD.

You'd get in there.

There'd be five dudes just.

Yes, Bobby.

Yes.

Like, dude, you're a fucking punk.

It's crazy.

Yes, Bobby, get him.

Shut the fuck up, dude.

Fuck you.

Don't fucking talk to me like that, dude.

I listened to the Reds.

You ever listen to the Regs?

Yeah, it's funny.

The Regs is great.

It's great.

Yeah.

It's funny.

The Regs clips come up for me, and it's so funny.

It's the best.

Wait, wait.

Speaking of dudes, it'll throw down and drop a Sodi's another one so

you fired up sodi will get hit

ever playing college football no i told this story a thousand times i think i think danny might hate it i'm sorry no it's okay man i love you dude it's all funny though he spazz i've never seen a harder i'm i'm a obviously obviously i've seen you hit some hard spaz bad video game spaz you you hit

you hit more girl it's girl spazz you hit i'm running up the steps yeah i'm like fuck this this game sucks

you're stupid you guys are wasting all your time anyway, dude.

Fuck this.

Running up the steps.

Doing an air mattress.

You guys are the fucking losers.

Going up the steps.

I was doing a waste of time.

I literally played all day by myself.

Like, I want to be chained in a video game.

Got my ass handed to me.

I was like, you guys are fucking losers.

Wasting time with this shit.

And ran up the steps.

Dude, I get so mad.

I get so mad about it.

Just dick down on an air mattress.

I fucking hate these guys.

I get, oh, dude.

I play by myself and scream at the TV.

Dude, I was playing Last of Us, and I couldn't figure out how to get through this place.

I was trying to get a ladder down to climb out of this room, and it wouldn't let me take those ladders.

And then you walk over to it, and it's like, press A.

You're like, how the fuck did I do it?

And I, and the zombies kept attacking me, and I was dying instantly.

And I was literally alone in my house in Pennsylvania, and I was going, well, it's fucking stupid if one fucking bite kills you.

What's the fucking point?

Dude, my neighbors must have been like, what the fuck is going on in there?

I lose my shit, dude.

I used to bite the fucking cable on the NES controller.

That's nuts.

Yeah, but I was a kid.

I would get so bad.

I've never heard the cable bite.

The cable bite's intense.

My friend used to cable whip his little brother with the PS2.

He would pull out the PS2 controller and go, whoosh, that's the cable whip so scary.

The cable whip is crazy.

I'm sorry.

I'll still get

like when we,

those Oklahoma kids were playing me in UFC.

If it's a big game, the heart rate goes up.

Oh, dude.

Like that time you and me were playing.

That might have been the most stressful video game of all time.

That was.

Just playing UFC in front of,

I don't know.

Hunks.

Hunks.

It was like Zach Efron.

Zach Efron, Robert Pattinson, and Christian McCaffrey.

It was literally

a dream threesome.

It's hilarious.

It's fucking hilarious.

For real.

You Matt pulled the ops.

I choked under pressure.

He's beaten me like four times ever.

That was one of them.

Yeah.

Wow.

I just choked.

You didn't go to the ground.

You could have gone to the ground.

That was honorable.

I mean, if you go to a fight, it was too good of a fight, dude.

It was such a good thing.

Every kick that landed, people in the room were like, oh.

Oh, he didn't get me.

He didn't get me.

Oh, dude, that's fucking.

Did you ever have somebody

like, I've had friends like literally punch me?

Probably, if I had ever,

probably, there's been fights.

When we were younger, but it's like

when we were 16 and Street Fighter 2 on Super Nintendo was huge, whatever.

Yeah, I remember I was playing with my friend Kevin.

And if you beat him, he would literally punch you.

And he would go, I could beat the shit out of you.

There's always one that's a scary one.

Really?

He doesn't get violent, but it changes the day.

If you beat him in a game, it changes

the rest of the day.

Yeah, he'll get you there.

He'll start getting you.

You're going to go, what the fuck are you being mean to me for?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot I beat you in Xbox last week.

I'm also,

I'm a sore winner, too.

I'm better with it now.

When I was younger, I was always bad at being winners.

You are a sore winner.

So when I win, I would do a thing where I would just sit there.

I grab what I have a drink next to me and just go

and just do shit like that.

Dude, for real, I'll stop doing that.

I'm like, this is just water.

I'm thirsty.

It feels good.

it's just drinking.

Maybe you're upset.

And then start being like, yeah, you know, it's just what I do.

I kind of go low and you kind of go high too much.

And it's just, shut the fuck up, dude.

Dia,

I've never,

I think the only time I've ever beaten you in a video game was when we played Mortal Kombat.

Every other game we've ever played each other against,

you've beaten me.

You guys are out doing activities.

MK is an Achilles heel for sure.

I'm working on it.

You got better at MK.

No.

I'm working on it.

Bring Bring it.

It's coming.

Bring it.

I'm fucking swinging swords with Conan right now.

It's coming.

Oh, yeah.

You downloaded the fucking game and started playing it.

Yeah, fuck it.

You actually said to me,

this was an insane thing to say to me.

I downloaded the game and you go, I download the game and you go, don't get good at it because I'm not going to play it.

And I'm like, oh, I'm not going to do it.

I'm going to have fun because you're not going to play it.

No, no, no.

Hold on, crazy.

This is game stealing.

This is

almost worse than friend stealing.

Coming over, going, oh, the new Mortal Kombat's good because we were playing it together and having a nice time because we were just as good.

Go home and download it and practice.

No, I want to play it.

That's game stealing.

That's coward shit.

That game sucks.

The game sucks by yourself.

No, it doesn't, dude.

You have not played with Conan, man.

It's fucking righteous, dude.

It's righteous.

When you win a match, he goes like this and they recreate the poster from from Conan the Barbarian.

How many times do you get to see that?

It never gets old.

Seven dozen.

It never gets old.

It never gets old, dude.

It never gets old.

And the guy doing his voice is good.

T-1000's awesome.

Yeah, those.

Quest mode sucks in Mortal Kombat.

One player blows.

One player sucks.

Yeah.

One player, I've tried it.

It fucking sucks.

Training, just being just in the dojo training and just being like, yeah, let's pop it on.

Oh, what are you guys playing?

17-hit combo.

You're like, what the hell the fuck did I do that?

The combos are nuts.

The trailer for the new movie looks all right.

Yeah, I liked them more.

Really?

I disagree.

I liked it at the end when Scorpion flew in and they did the get over here.

I didn't make it to the end.

Oh, really?

I turned it off with like 30 seconds.

Or like 20 seconds.

I don't think he's a good Johnny Cage.

I think it's Miss Kevin.

He's playing

Carl Urban from...

What's he on?

The Boys?

The Boys, yeah.

Yeah.

He doesn't look like Johnny Cage.

Like, Johnny Cage was kind of modeled after Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Yeah.

And, like,

Johnny Cage, he should be prettier.

Like, he's not, Carl Urban's not pretty enough.

The whole cool thing about Johnny Cage is that he's like a pretty boy.

He's a pretty boy, but he's a badass.

He punches you in the dick.

Yeah.

It literally should be like Ryan Felipe.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Wait, not Ryan Felipe.

Ryan Gosling.

I've never heard him called Ryan Felipe.

No, Ryan Felipe is a dude.

No, I know, but I always thought it was Philippe.

No, I think it's Felipe.

Filipe.

I thought it was Felipe, too.

Really?

They should have Kevin Spacey as Johnny Cage.

Hold on a sec.

By the way, shout out to Felipe.

We were just chilling with him.

He's a listener to the podcast.

Felipe is going to hear that.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm a big fan of Felipe.

The way of the gun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's the fucking.

Oh, you know what?

Actually, Ryan, if you are listening,

I know that you were friends with Sean Price, and Sean Price is to me one of the greatest rappers in ever.

I'm still friends, Steel.

What else we got?

There it is.

Shout out to Sean Price.

Shout out to Ryan Frank.

Felipe.

Yeah.

But yeah, Sean Price rips.

Hold on.

How am I first?

You guys never heard of it?

Felipe?

I've always heard Felipe.

Felipe?

Yeah, that's how I always pronounce it.

This is nuts.

And my actor database is horrible.

It's like embarrassing.

People, you know, like, well, I'm like, I've never, no.

It's got to be, it's Will Smith,

Robin Williams.

I'm like A plus actors.

It has to be, you got to be A plus.

How do you pronounce it?

Guys, produce the show.

There's four dudes.

Just staring at us.

Look at LeMaire.

He's cashing a check right now.

He's the most.

Oh, my God.

LeMaire, you can't say it up.

LeMaire's feet aren't touching the ground.

He's on a store.

Fully just.

You guys got me fully charged to talk about Mortal Kombat.

We can get some MK going.

I hate Mortal Kombat now.

Why?

It used to be because it sucks.

Delore's bad.

I knew it was Philippe.

Philippi?

Yes.

Wait, who said...

No, you can't go by the way the Google voice thing does.

They probably actually.

Oh, really?

Everybody's always.

It's Ryan Philippe.

Whoa, I've been calling him Felipe forever.

Holy shit.

Felipe is crazy.

Philippe.

I think it's got a beautiful ring to it.

Felipe.

I knew I wasn't wrong, dude.

I knew me and Ryan were boys.

Dang.

Damn.

Damn, you tried to friend steal and mispronounce his name?

Yeah, he's probably furious.

He's crazy.

Dude, I'm going to play fucking Mortal Kombat with Ryan.

I'm going to let my bros ride on you, dude.

You know what?

I'm going to let my...

Wow, wow, Wes.

I'm going to go find a dude that pronounces it Felipe, and he's going to be my friend.

Yeah, time-stamped that one.

This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.

Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet yeah every time yeah every single time yeah i did it all week it's fucking disaster i left a i mean i literally painted my bowl this morning yeah it was crazy there's nothing wrong with that no it was a paint job uh do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel how much extra do you ever need it pretty much an extra pair per day yeah i always bring extra underwear yeah yeah yeah not because i'm shitting my pants constantly i just used to fucking work the fuck you guys getting at here do you wipe standing or sitting down does it make a difference what is going on dude how horny are these people?

What do they want to know?

There's got to be something about standing up, though.

Like, I'm a stand-up wiper, honestly.

Sitting down, I just smears everybody.

I don't know.

I can't do it.

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Hey guys, just a quick heads up.

I'll be at the Ovation Hall in the Ocean Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey Saturday, August 16th, the year 2025.

Please come.

You can go to mattmcusker.com for tickets.

There's also a link in the show description.

Please come.

It's going to be a lot of fun.

It's going to be a hoop.

It's going to be a good time.

And I'm, dude, the new material is coming.

New materials.

The new material is coming.

So I will have a whole slew of new stuff.

If you see me in Philadelphia, guys, get ready.

Check the fuck out.

What are you waiting for?

I mean, it's going to be, ocean is a sick venue, actually.

I open that for you.

It is.

It's awesome.

Yeah.

So please come.

Matt, August 8th and 9th, I'll be in Louisville, Kentucky, in St.

Louis, Missouri.

August 8th and 9th, Louisville, Kentucky, St.

Louis, Missouri.

Huge.

Then August 15th, Detroit, Detroit, 16th, Grand Rapids.

Nice.

Come on, y'all.

Come on, gang.

Just come out.

Get in there, Maze.

Get in there, Amaze.

Oh, turn them around.

Yeah, everybody.

August 5th is Optimum Noctis.

And then also, at the end of the month, like the 26th to the 30th.

Get the dates right before you come in here.

August 26th to August 30th.

I'll be in the East Coast.

So please come check out Justin.

Which is on the East Coast.

I'll be in the Philip.

No.

I'll be be in Baltimore.

I'll be in New Jersey, the dojo of comedy, and then various other bars.

So please check out all that information on Lamerille.fun.

There you go.

Nice.

Oh.

Yes, yes, yes.

Dang, there you have it, man.

That's huge.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, it's big.

Dude, I have actually, I've had a huge development.

So, you know, I suffer from body acne.

You know, I suffer in silence.

My stomach breaks out, especially with the sweat and the heat down here.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, thank you, man.

It's fucking, dude, I found, I, you know, I went to a dermatologist and like, dude, those guys,

they don't do anything.

Everything, I'm like, whenever I eat this.

Yeah, why don't you shower?

True.

All right, thanks.

No, they're like, well, there's no, you know, like whatever you eat to whatever.

I'm like, no, dude, if I eat dairy, my whole stomach breaks out.

They're like, there's no real science behind that.

I'm like, dude, it literally happens.

I've lived it.

It's a little bit.

It happens to me.

Yeah, it happens every time.

Dare you deny my truth.

If you give you all these creams and you read them and it's like, don't use this for more than two weeks.

It's like, why?

What's going to happen?

Why should I put this on at all?

Yeah.

Dude, recently, I, it's been for real, like, groundbreaking because whenever you go to the ocean, you know, your skin clears up.

Yeah.

So I was like, how could I recreate that?

I got a bucket of dead sea salt and I just go in the shower now.

I wet myself and I just cover myself in salt head to toe and just let it sit.

I let it sit on me for like five minutes, completely cleared my skin up.

Yeah.

My wife hates it.

I'm going to have to grub you, dude.

Grub me up.

You better stop.

I'm like, thank you.

I'm like, you're like grubbing yourself, dude.

Dude, it cleared it up.

It's the only thing that's ever worked.

And it's salt.

It's fucking, you get a big bucket of it for 30 bucks.

Yeah.

Sun and salt water are the two.

I had,

I don't know why.

I forget what happened, but I had like an act, like a full-on acne outbreak a year ago.

Really?

And or a year and a half ago, and it was in the winter.

And I think it was, yeah, it was gross.

It sucks, dude.

It sucks being our age and getting acne.

It's a bit worse.

What the fuck is happening?

But it was because

I was still living in New York and it was like, it was raining every day and it was dark and like I just it was it was definitely related to weather.

And I went and I did the Joker's cruise and it cleared up on the cruise.

Yeah.

Like it just cleared up immediately as soon as I got in the sun and there was like a saltwater pool.

Bro, I had I had a insane like a rare skin disease when I was younger.

That sucks.

Just out of no I've told you that's pitorisis

out of nowhere.

I've never seen anything like it.

It was just patches of red all over me.

And it it didn't itch, didn't burn.

It was nothing.

Does it look like a red spot like sunburn?

Or do

there's a herald patch that comes first.

I was just looking at the mirror and I just had a big red mark here.

Okay.

And I was like, all right, whatever.

I don't give a fuck.

And then it started multiplying.

It was just all over me.

But it was only where sun doesn't get you.

So it's from your knees to your elbows.

Like it was just where you wear clothes.

Yeah.

And then my family and I went to the beach.

Clear it up.

Cleared it up.

Did it ever.

But I had to lay in public with a giant red skin rash.

Yeah.

Did it ever get like rashy and raised, or was it always just like your skin rash?

It was a little rashy and raised, but it still didn't itch or

skin's fucking weird because it is an organ.

It's an organ on your body.

You're right about dermatologists, though.

Like a dermatologist will be like, Yep, that's pretty gross.

You know, here's some cream.

You know, like, and the cream, the reason you can't do it for more than two weeks is because a lot of it's, it will, it thins your skin.

Yeah.

And you, I, what I've had with the creams is used a lot.

I have it, I get a thing called

sensitive ass.

I get a thing called.

Well, also, I've had it washed down to my balls, and it like my ball skin would go crazy from whatever they were giving me.

Ball skin goes the craziest.

Oh, ball skin.

When it comes to the crazy crack, ball skin goes, they absolutely

get dried out, ball sack.

Bro, that's three years.

It's the exact same thing.

That's not going away for three fucking years.

It's the worst, dude.

Yeah.

It sucks.

I actually dealt with an armpit rash for an entire year last year.

What were you using?

A new deodorant with alcohol?

No, it was the same old deodorant.

I just, it was almost like I got jock itch.

Yes, I've gotten that before.

And it just lingered.

I think there's nothing worse than an armpit rash because you have to put deodorant on it and it burns and it itches so bad.

And you, you.

I was plowing through it.

I was just putting fucking

anti-fungal cream on, filming tires.

It was while we were filming tires.

It went from the summer into when we were filming tires.

It was a nightmare.

I don't wear deodorant.

I'll put it on like once every now and again.

Do you not sweat, though?

I do.

And I'll smell a little bit, but it's like, dude, my armpits get dry from deodorant.

It's like, I fucking hate it.

Remember Brute?

Yeah.

Dude, that stuff was flammable.

I used to run it across the carpet and light it on fire, and it would just go make like a lion.

Jesus Christ.

It was sick.

It was the carpet.

I fucked up a beach rental when I was a little kid one time.

Because I would make designs in the carpet and it would light for two seconds.

Just like little fucking.

I didn't do the, I didn't do the

soa.

Dude, no coolest It's not impossible to set on fire.

I would do little like loop-de-loop tracks.

And one time it did get out of control, and I was like, fuck the fuck.

How did your parents not know you were lighting the carpet on fire?

I don't know.

I would just do it.

It's a beach trip.

They're probably

shit face.

But one time I was beach fucking damned.

It was 11 a.m.

They were blacked out at the beach.

Yeah, my parents never drank growing up, so they knew everything I was doing.

I wish I had parents that fucking just got robbed.

Sorry, has a joke about it, but it is

the best.

Yeah.

I mean, you have a parent come home drunk, you go, oh, for sure.

This is a fun day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I missed it.

Drunk dad is awesome.

Your dad gets drunk when you're a little.

Although the first time I did get scared because I read a book in the library saying, like, it was all about your dad getting drunk and

hitting your mom.

So it was like, the book was called, like, why does dad hit mom when he drinks?

It was something like that.

First time I saw my dad drunk, I was just like, he's beating the fuck out of my mom right now.

And I was just a little coward.

I just sat in my room like, I hope he doesn't go too hard on her.

Yeah,

he didn't at all.

He was so frustrated.

He sat on the steps and cried.

Yeah.

I should go in there.

He was just literally like, ah.

He would come in and be like, dad.

And I'd be like, well, dad, don't look at me, mom.

Oh, that's great, Druck.

Dad.

Yeah.

That's

super friendly.

Phil is still that.

He gets like, he comes home and he goes, ah, ah.

Oh, yeah, fuck it.

Then you see him in the morning.

He's like, how are you?

You face it.

You're a fucking punk.

And you're like, like, oh, you're hungover.

You're being.

I'm not hungover.

He's never been hungover once.

Hitting a girl with hungover is very funny.

I've done it before.

I've been like, you're just hungover and being fucking.

I'm not even hungover at all.

It's like, yeah, you're a little edgy.

Everybody loves denying a hangover.

It's crazy.

Everybody's favorite thing to do is go, I'm not, you know what's crazy?

I feel pretty good.

There you go.

I'll tell you guys right now, I'm fucking hungover as shit.

Really?

Oh, yeah, you put it on.

That's why you asked how long this podcast was.

No, no, I was just, I was literally just curious.

stop riding me dude

that's too much lotion that's this candle

we were we were one in the van and you were with me i was like back off dude you just kept going i'm on your bumper boy i'm on your bumper track you got three days in the uk

you're not going anywhere

You're on his ass in the UK.

I was.

Till we got off the flight.

Until we landed back.

in the, I mean, we were screaming in the fucking airport.

Holy shit, dude.

We got Prime.

I mean, you guys might have talked about it already, but we got Prime O'Connor video over there.

Yeah, we got some classics.

Him at the height of his powers.

Yeah.

Running through the streets of London being, oh, I'm from London.

Oh,

like throwing shit.

Yeah.

He's a real problem.

That's what I like about him, though.

He turns up that hard, and then you won't see him for two weeks.

He's got to mend himself.

He goes home and

he enters the tent.

Oh, I saw him last night.

I got to read.

I got to fucking cook.

I got to become a good person.

And you go, why don't you come out?

Yeah.

Yeah.

These bounce backs are crazy.

It's pretty impressive.

I saw him last night.

We were in the green room.

We had two drinks.

And I was like, what are you doing, dude?

He's like,

I don't know.

I might go see Sadie, whatever.

And he fucking snuck out.

I was like, he's dodging it.

He's trying to.

Yeah.

He's trying to be good.

You got to respect the dodge.

Yeah, I get it.

I get it, man.

I get it.

I'm fucking terrible at it.

I let everybody talk me into fucking hanging out.

I'm the worst.

Yeah, but you do it.

You do it just as much.

You're one of the worst perpetrators of it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Come on, dude.

Take a shot.

My birthday is next week.

I've taken a thousand shots with you.

And every time you go, you never take shots.

It's been literally years.

Literally.

We've taken shots together.

We took shots together last week at Mitzi's.

I did not take any shots with you at Mitzi's.

Yeah, we did.

We did?

Yeah, at the corner.

Yeah, shit.

Well, you got me there.

And you said it.

I remember it.

You go, you'd never take shots.

We took shots with a little bit of a bad boy.

My dude.

My dude.

So funny, it is usually late if I'm taking a shot.

I was talking to Carrie at Mothership last night about...

She's like, what are you doing tomorrow, baby?

I was like, I'm doing Matt and Shane.

And I was just telling her about when you start pressuring to drink.

And I was like, I'm going to be sitting on that couch.

He's going to be like, come on.

Come on, dude.

Let's go.

Come on.

Let's go.

I was like, she's like, well, and I was like, I can't say no to the man.

No, we got to.

No, I can't today.

I can't today.

Stop, dude.

No.

Stop, dude.

No, I got spots tonight.

No, I can't.

Yeah.

All right.

I can't.

I've got to remain in the tomb, dude.

I'll just

put together a run.

I got to.

True.

But I was just like,

true.

I'll make it to Friday.

I don't fly out till Saturday.

Where you at it?

Back up to PA because I got to do some pods in New York and then Rhode Island gigs and then some other stuff.

We haven't even talked about your special.

Yeah.

Oh, I'd love to talk about it.

Yeah, it was great.

Thank you, man.

I like the intro.

I like how spooky it was.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

And at first, I didn't like the blurry shots.

And then I came around.

All right.

Thank you.

I was a little on the fence about him too at first, but then

the closer we got to, because I directed it too, so I was very involved from start to finish with everything.

And

I was a little on the fence about it too, but then ultimately I was like, oh, no, it works.

I don't know.

It was, you know, it was a nice device, I thought, or whatever.

But yeah, man, I appreciate you.

I missed the actual taping.

I was at the after party.

You showed up right as the party was starting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was bummed I missed that.

It was a good

thing.

I was thrilled you came down.

You rolled in, what, six, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I was thrilled you came down, dude.

That's when you got bullied into taking a shot.

It's always a special night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's always a special editor.

But yeah, it's called I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.

It's on my YouTube at Joe DeRosa, at Joe DeRosa.

So youtube.com/slash at Joe DeRosa Comedy.

But anyway, I hope people enjoy it.

Yeah, it's good.

But it's the hardest ever.

That's a really good special.

Thank you, dude.

It means a lot to me to hear you say that that because.

And, Matt, feel free to jump in with the compliment.

I haven't seen it yet.

So I always feel bad.

I don't see it.

And I usually

like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I watched yours a lot.

I haven't finished it yet, but I've watched a lot of it.

I'm not blowing smoke up your ass.

I did the same thing with you.

I was like, you're one of.

No, no, no.

No, I'm saying, though, like, I don't.

I hear you.

It's like, it's kind of hard sometimes when you do comedy and you're around it all the time to jump into a special.

But you're one of the guys where it's like, I'm like, I was excited.

And we've done enough shows where I know the material.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was so fun.

It was so.

Task Gardini told me of his special.

I'm like, that's going to be fun.

That's a good special.

I can't wait to see that.

Thanks, guys.

They were actually singing your praises before you got in.

Thanks, guys.

I really appreciate it.

How much they liked the.

I heard the way it started out, and I was like, awesome.

The starting bit of material, I was like, that's not, let's not.

I won't say any spoilers, but

I can't wait for the start of your special.

Can't wait.

No spoilers.

No spoilers.

But yeah,

I was here and I was like, that's.

Thanks, brother.

Perfect.

Thanks, dude.

It's literally the hardest I ever worked on anything in my whole life.

That's all.

Like, it was three years

of touring, and I was going to shoot it at one point.

And Ari Shafir was like, it's not ready.

It's not ready yet.

It's not ready.

And then when I finally did do it, like him being like,

fucking did it, dude.

I was like, all right.

That's awesome.

Good for him for

because that's hard to tell someone.

But boy, if somebody told me it's not ready when I thought it was ready.

We argued.

I mean, me and Ari did argue.

I wasn't just like, okay.

Yeah.

I was like, it's ready, dude.

I don't need to do it for three years.

And he goes, he goes, oh, yeah, because you're the one.

And I was like, God damn.

All right.

But,

but, yeah, like, but I don't know.

It's like, it's nice having friends.

Like, again, I'm not blowing smoke, but it's nice having friends who also do comedy that when they put something out, like when you put out your last one, you're excited to watch it.

Cause it's like, yeah, it's easy to get comments.

I used to have a friend who sucked.

True.

Yeah.

Check out this special.

Yeah.

I'm excited for yours, dude.

Thank you, man.

Yeah, you were talking a little bit about it last night.

I was getting.

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Christ.

Dude, Brittany's been getting a lot of, like, people see her like, oh, four-time NBA star.

Yeah.

WNBA star.

And last night I was doing stand-up, and people brought it up.

They're like, talk about your four-time WNBA star wife.

And I was just, I thought it was great.

And now she's getting so much attention.

I've just been like, shit was fucking hacked, dude.

Shit was a fucking hack.

That's what he was actually going.

I mean,

turn on her.

He's got it.

Yeah, I just got to take her down.

Just be like, anyway.

She doesn't even look like an athlete.

I don't know what the fuck the joke is.

Kept saying last night, I was like, he should have dressed me up, man.

He should have dressed me up.

I could have done that.

I was like, I could have done that.

I know.

The joke easily

easily could have been NHL.

I know.

No, no.

Or Jackie.

Master of Black, WL.

Let me put that shit on, dude.

Well,

then

we wouldn't be talking right now, but we would be considered the greatest of all time.

We wouldn't still be talking.

I just showed up fully prepared for the role.

You're like, what the fuck are you doing?

We're going to save it.

It's so funny.

Oh, I thought she was.

Oh, watch the jokes about.

Oh, shit.

Oh, I got to take this off.

Fuck, it's not coming off.

It was fun for me to watch it again.

Fuck, I'm sitting next to Jalen Carter.

Fuck.

I'm dressed like a black lady.

Dude, I saw re-watching it and seeing the people behind us like clapping in earnest, and then it's revealed, and they go,

that was very, that was very fun to see.

Yeah, the

fucking asshole.

We can save that one, though.

Huh?

Maybe I'll get another hosting job sometime.

Yeah, I'm not going to dress up as a.

Yeah.

Just funny

thing.

You can save it for the Oscars.

I'll be Ryan Felipe.

Felipe.

Yeah.

You got that in the, you got that bullet in the chair.

We got that one locked and loaded.

When it's time, it's time.

Yeah, that must have been.

It's time to hang it up.

You go, you know what?

I got one more.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, you're in the tomb on the come down of setting the internet ablaze.

Yes, yes.

It's all types of stuff.

And also, drank for a week.

Yeah.

That's enough to.

So like after the SPs, I had to go do Kansas City and Oklahoma City.

Yeah.

And those, you know, you're doing a show like that.

That's a lot of fucking stress.

I don't know how you also...

I flew home on Friday and I, for real, thought I was going to fall down.

I thought I was going to fall down.

Friday sucked ass.

Oh, fucking hell.

I'm going to have to go.

I had a later flight.

Yeah, but like not that much later.

I texted these guys like we're already there.

I was walking through the airport.

Like I felt like I was like not getting enough oxygen.

That's how it feels.

Because you were just so hung over anything.

I didn't have like the headache or anything, but I was just, I had like three hours.

We drank a lot of liquor fast.

Yes.

I had like two hours of sleep and just was walking through the airport with like my bag just like I for real might go down.

I was like lightheaded.

Bro.

It was bad.

So that day I woke up.

in the hotel going, yes, I have nothing to do today.

Perfect.

And then I was like, oh shit, I got to fly to Oklahoma and do a show.

Then the next morning I woke up like, finally, I can fucking go home.

Fuck, I got to go to Kansas fucking city.

God damn it.

Yes.

I don't know what's going on.

I guess this is what being burnt out is, but

anxious like dreams.

Yeah.

And then wake up going, I don't have anything to do.

Nice.

Fuck.

Dude, you just did a thing that six people on the bread.

Not just have done.

Not just have done it.

It was the movie.

Yeah.

The movie, filming a movie for a month and a half was.

Yeah.

I've never done anything like that.

Yeah.

And then shows and then the yeah.

You're running through a very unique time to lay down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And oh, yeah.

And we film commercials that I'm seeing the edits to those and I don't fucking

love them.

I go, oh, great.

Yeah.

There's nothing worse than watching yourself in a way where you're like, I don't like that.

While you're anxious and hungover, you see a video of yourself, you go,

That sucks.

It was funny.

I was trying to upload all the stuff from our drunk podcast that next day in the airport.

I would just watch it and be like,

oh,

the anxiety of that podcast.

With the

second half.

The second half's in the tomb forever.

NFT.

Until one day.

Yeah.

We're going to sell it to Martin Skrelly for $6 million.

That airport hangover, like I like, honestly, I like almost have a panic attack.

Yeah.

I carry Xanax for it.

Because

it's so, like, your gut is related to your anxiety and all that shit.

And when you're in that state, you're walking, you're like, you might have to take a shit.

You don't know.

Yeah.

And then.

You can shit at any moment.

Yeah.

You could.

No, I mean, physically, I could walk into a bathroom and take a shit

while hungover at any.

If someone said, take a shit right now, I go, no problem.

Oh, you mean like on command?

Yes.

Oh, that's great.

One's chambered at all times.

Yeah.

Yes, sir.

Did I hung over?

Yes, Daddy.

I'm not hungry.

I'm like,

hello, a clear gay joke.

I'm 103 degrees.

My face is, I have like 103-degree fever.

And then I just woke up and I did the opposite.

I pounded coffee to like power through.

So I'm having like heart palpitation.

It was terrible.

Yeah, heart palpitations for sure.

It was terrible.

Talking nuts.

And then you know, the B-dubs at the airport's just right there going

you're nothing without me coward

when i did uh when i did uh i did i did kill tony when they did the h-e-b center down here i did the panel and i was only supposed to do a set and then i showed up and he was like i need you to panel buddy and i was like all right and i was so hungover and i started the same thing dude dehydrated i felt like sick i felt like i had a cold

i started fucking pounding coffee to wake up And then I was meeting it with booze to get like tuned up.

Dude, I got on stage.

My gut started turning.

Ice, my hand to God, dude, I had a two-minute panic attack on stage.

I was sitting there.

I was so, I was hitting you from all angles.

And I was sitting there.

The first bucket pull came out.

The kid was talking to us.

And my brain was like, it's a lot of fucking people out there, dude.

It was all lit up.

If you watch the video, you see me do this.

You see, this is the desk.

And I just go like this.

I just put the mic down.

I just stare.

I'm like, I'm going to freak out right now.

I was like, I was literally looking like, where can I run off this fucking stage?

Yeah, that's tough.

And then it just, it just stopped.

And I was like, oh, that's hangover.

That's like bad anxiety.

I get that doing stand-up where I'll forget the next thing I'm going to talk about.

And it's like a 30-second thing in my head where it's like, this is it, dude.

You're going to have to look at all these people and go, I can't do this.

I'm sorry, guys.

I don't know why.

And just walk off and you just power through, and you're like, all right, thank God.

Yeah, no, I've been there, dude.

Maria Bamford said she used to, like, she said she would take comfort in knowing that at any second

she had the option of running out of the club and never returning.

And she was like, that's the only way I can get through it.

Like, sometimes, yeah, it's like, fuck it.

It's nice when you get on stage and you go, oh, yeah, I can do stand-up.

Yeah.

After the first minute, you go, oh, fuck you.

Yeah.

Nice.

Cause for the last hour and a half, I've been back there going, What the fuck?

I can't do this shit.

What the fuck?

Yeah, yeah.

I've done the coffee, pre-show coffee, to where I'm on stage and my heart's like,

and I'm like, all right, I'm gonna fucking, this might be it.

And then I've done it where I'm like,

maybe I have a heart attack.

And I really leaned into it and powered through.

And I was like, oh, I powered through a heart attack once.

I was so proud of myself.

I had a horrible pain in my chest.

I was headlining.

It was like two years ago.

It might have been two or three years ago.

I had a heart attack.

Bro,

it hurt.

It hurt so bad that I was like, I have to get off stage.

Yeah.

And then I was like, well, this is my last joke.

Just fucking.

And I just did my last joke, got off stage.

I was like, I'm pretty sure I just had a heart attack out there.

Yeah.

And you never got a check or anything?

Nah.

People have little ones.

That's something.

I don't think it was an actual heart attack.

People go in the doctor, like, dude, you've had like three heart attacks.

You're like, what?

I was 34.

Dude, I know someone who got one at like 24 years old.

I mean,

they were taking heavy sups and then other recreational, but

I was on zero recreationals.

Yeah.

If you can have them without knowing, I've definitely had them.

If that's an option, there's no way I haven't had heart attacks.

There's no way.

Well, if I ever had one, that was it.

Yeah.

I mean, that sounds like a heart attack.

Fucking Walmart.

I'll tell you.

I'll tell you, fuck.

I'll tell you, perfect formula for I'm going to have a heart attack on stage.

This has happened to me several times.

You'll be at Mothership.

You'll be in the green room.

You look up and realize the guy on stage in the main room only has 30 seconds left.

You go, oh, fuck.

And you run all the way.

Dude, you get on stage.

I've done that.

I can't catch my breath on stage.

Dude, I'll do this on the stool.

I'll lean like this.

And I swear to God, the whole time I'm like, I think I'm going to have a heart attack right now.

That is a fucking labyrinth back there.

Yeah.

You got to go up and down five flights of steps.

I felt bad last night because we were all backstage.

And

when people are backstage, like you were at backstage and you probably had like four minutes.

I'll say so.

I was like, I always go, bro.

But I feel like a dick because I'm like, hey, DeRosa, you're up next, right?

And he's like, yeah, I'm going down.

I'm like, I feel like an asshole.

Like, I'm like, dude, you better get down there.

I get nervous.

I do it on shows I'm not even on.

I get nervous.

I'll be like, yo, that guy's fucking.

Yeah, dude.

I get nervous on other people's behaviors.

You never know when someone's going to to fucking just go, that's it.

I know.

It was G.

Deanie up.

G.

Deany, Doug Asheal.

Obviously, luckily, he's a big stage hug.

Doug's health's in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You actually probably were like, oh, GD's on.

He's going to go long.

I was.

No, I was for real.

I get nervous when it's like eight minutes in.

I see the clock and I'm going, like, dude, it's a while to get down there.

Do you ever go on stage there and you realize you forget the dude you're bringing on?

His last name?

For sure.

Yeah.

And you're like,

I forgot the headliners.

I forget Joe Rogan.

Fucking Joe.

His podcast is an experience.

He's got an experience.

Dude, get up.

The Heather McDonald clip fucked me up.

Do you ever see her go down?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think about that.

Yeah, I watch it.

I go, because I've obviously laughed about it publicly.

So it's like, I'm like, that's going to happen to me now.

It's going to happen.

Dude,

there's a trilogy.

There's a perfect trilogy.

Heather McDonald, Wendy Williams, and Gallagher.

Oh, and

you're forgetting the goat, Pablo Francisco.

He went down?

Did he collapse on stage?

No, I did, but he says that.

That's a wild meltdown.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a wild.

That's the number one for me.

He broke.

Well, well,

we've had, you've heard me say it a million times.

No, you don't think I can get out of this?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, oh, no.

You're in safe hands with all.

Get down.

Get to the chopper.

You don't think I can get out of this, folks?

He just broke it.

There's some of the videos that cuts, and then it cuts them being

cuts them being wheeled out of the stretcher.

Dude, that's the one that made him be easy.

Yeah.

Just straight to the end of the stretcher gun.

You don't think I can get out of this?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

He got locked in the bit.

He got locked in the bit.

He's in like a K-hole with a bit.

No.

Like, he's like, he can't get out of this bit.

And he's going, I can do.

But, like, wait, hold on.

Oh, this is.

He's at the hospital.

Like, it's not funny.

Let it go.

He's like, no, it's funny.

I can get to the end of the bit.

Just let me finish the fucking bit.

You just keep interrupting.

Top three.

So that's

stage meltdowns.

That's a different category, though.

But that's right.

That's the number one of meltdowns.

Tube might go to Swartzen.

Did you ever see the Swarzen?

Swartzen almost awesome.

It's like,

so, all right.

He's so hot.

He can't even make sentences.

And the lady just comes out and pulls him off stage.

Dude, that's in the background of my head the entire time.

So you're about to, here here it comes, dude.

You're about to start rambling incoherently.

Oh, my God.

That's so fried.

I thought the O'Connor was going to have one.

When we did the Chicago theater, he went out with Santino during the day and they day drank.

I went out.

I met him.

I had like one beer and I was like, we got

Chicago theater tonight.

Yeah, yeah.

I left.

They show up.

They didn't leave.

He never went back to the hotel.

They went from the bars straight to the show.

O'Connor walks in the green room.

Like,

what's up?

And I was like, holy shit, dude, you're blacked out.

And I was like, fine, dude, get the fuck out there.

Go out there.

Yeah.

He killed.

That's awesome.

God damn, that's pretty impressive.

That's awesome.

O'Connor, did you kill him?

Oh, dude, he's from a fucking other dimension, man.

He is.

O'Connor should be in the next Mortal Kombat.

He really should.

He might be the drunken master.

That's insane.

Wait, third, but wait, I got a number three best meltdown.

The Lampinelli one is wild.

Do you remember that one?

No, it happened.

Where people are walking out and then people are helping her.

People are going like she's yelling at somebody and then people are being like, it's okay, Lace.

And she's like, shut the fuck up.

I don't need any fucking help from you.

And she's like turning on people supporting her and shit.

Like, it's a, I'm not throwing any shade at any of these people.

This could happen to any of us.

Yeah, yeah.

We're just, it's just funny.

Like,

I've been banned from clubs.

I've freaked on stage.

Yeah, you're a psycho.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're a wild dog.

Yeah, I got banned from the laugh factory in New York.

Did you really?

Yeah, because I told the audience, I said, I hope you all get fucking AIDS and die in a car accident on your way home tonight.

You're a bunch of fucking animals.

I got banned.

It's probably during like a decent set.

I was just screaming.

I was just bad at the end.

It was so rowdy, dude.

It was crazy how rowdy it was.

Yeah.

And then I went back to the club, like, and I was like, I don't understand why you won't book me anymore.

And the booker was like, because you told the audience, I hope you get AIDS and die in a fucking car you do you think that's okay

i was like well they weren't they were shitty i don't know

what was i supposed to do yeah i've freaked have you guys ever freaked i've i've lost my i did i've spazzed i've heard spazz the only one fort wayne was i was just like all right that's good it's the end of the show i haven't done it in 15 years like i learned too much uh i did it in every

field that was a tough one spaz they were they were wild i spazzed

one guy in phoenix arizona i like kind of just started traveling headlining, and the weekend wasn't going well.

Ticket sales weren't great.

And then there was like in this, one of their rooms was a copper blues, they have like multiple ones, I think.

There's one of those rooms where there's like, you know, like seating, but then they have booths to like the right of the stage.

Yeah.

So it was just a guy in a fucking like leather jacket talking so fucking loud.

What was it called?

It's not the, it's around there.

It's copper blues.

Oh, yeah.

They have multiple.

But this guy was talking and it was just like, you know, I was like, whatever, like, shut up.

But then at one point, Brittany went up to him because he was there.

It was like, he'd be quiet.

And he said something to her.

And I like just stopped mid-joke and was like, shut the fuck up, pussy.

And like, spazz.

It was like a fight.

Fuck yeah.

It was bad.

And I was like, anyway, I was just fucking around, guy.

Yeah,

pure red face spaz.

Had him come.

I was like, eventually, I think I had him come up on stage.

And he just called me gay without a microphone.

I'm like, it just backfired on me.

And I was like, I was like, I'll put you up here.

And he's like, you're just a fucking gay pussy.

And I'm like, damn, nice jacket, bitch.

Get off the stage.

This isn't working.

It's just to go straight, gay guy.

Well, your jacket's disgusting.

Fuck you, bitch.

I told him he had an Uber driver.

You have an Uber driver jacket, dude.

Get the fuck out of here.

You're always right around.

He was getting louder, though.

He was winning the debate.

I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

He's like, you're fucking gay.

It wasn't really a spazz, but in that 10-p improv,

that was where that gremlin from high school got me.

Oh.

You remember that?

This kid from high school showed up, and he was like, after the first show, he's sitting in the green room.

He's He's like, I would give that like a C, C minus.

Oh, just like,

and then he spent an hour in between shows talking about how I sucked at football and his class was better.

And then

stayed.

It was crazy.

I mean, I don't know.

Other people were looking like, yeah, what the fuck's going on?

I don't know.

And then he stayed for the second show, and I killed.

And every time I had a good joke, I just looked directly at him, just going,

Yeah,

See, my

fucker.

Every single joke for an hour.

I was just every time going,

what do you think of that?

What do you think of that?

You fucking cock.

He was like, nothing to him.

He was like, that was good.

I was like, now that was good.

I love how people like that flip it.

Now that was good.

See, don't fuck yourself.

I'm like your coach.

Yeah, that's good.

No, Spaz is always right around the corner.

I've, without question, in recent years,

I'm speaking way too

liberally when I say I learned my lesson because I'll still yell at an audience, but I figured out somehow to sometimes make it kind of funny to beat them into get, but like I could easily see having a full,

having a full freak at any, yeah, you know, it's, it's, it's, it won't take much, dude.

It doesn't take much.

It takes a couple of annoying people.

I'm gonna start getting to your shows, you know?

Yeah.

What's that?

I'm gonna start hanging around the back of your shows.

I mean, I just want to

suck.

I just want to be clear that I stand with Pablo Lisa.

Oh, for sure.

For sure.

Yeah.

I'm not making fun of you.

It's funny to see, though.

I'm convinced it will happen.

I'm like, I'm going to join the pantheon of dudes who freak out one day and just completely break and be like, I don't know why I do this.

I'm sorry, guys.

Please refund everything.

I'm fighting it the entire time I do anything.

But wait, you never saw Gallagher having the heart attack on stage?

Yeah.

It's during the fucking watermelon.

He walks over and picks up the hammer.

This is so fucked up to laugh at him.

It's fucking hilarious.

Yeah.

No, he goes over to

the watermelon.

He picks up the hammer and he goes,

oh,

he goes down.

Oh, he goes down?

He goes down.

He has a fucking arm.

He's a real one.

Yeah, dude.

That's what I was saying.

There were two categories.

There's collapse on stage versus meltdown.

I mean, a prop.

Yeah, because Heather McDonald's was pretty fucking elite.

Hers was crazy because she was like, I got all the vaccines.

What happened?

The prop guy.

I'm sorry, go ahead.

Prop guy going down.

Oh, it's crazy.

With a hammer, a mallet in your hand.

Over his head, dude.

Smother the fuck.

The watermelon finally won, dude.

The watermelon was like,

he's literally doing a thing that would give any human a heart attack.

He's doing it on stage and it's closer.

Yeah, dude, exactly.

Time was finally like, that's enough, dude.

Yeah.

Take it easy.

But wait, did Heather McDonald ever explain what happened to her?

I haven't seen the explanation.

No.

I'm sure she talked about it somewhere, but

I've never saw it addressed at all.

She just fainted.

Yeah, but it was like...

She just happened to be talking about how boosted she was.

That was the worst part.

That just janks it.

Yeah, true.

Wait, what was she talking about?

She was bragging.

I think her last lines were like how many boosters and how many times she's gotten gotten the vaccine and then her last lines like so yeah jesus loves me yeah

and the worst part was the crowd thought it was a bit and they were like yeah

timed perfectly yeah it was up yeah that's a great bit that's true but yeah i think she really got hurt she fucking i think she hit her head dude she got fucked up yeah she had a skull fracture yeah dude

yeah she got fucked up and it was just like these idiots who didn't get the vaccine ha ha i've gotten all of them aha god loves me i've never even gotten

literally got

God was just a view.

Yeah, enough of that.

Holy shit.

Jesus Christ.

The Wendy Williams one happened on TV.

Yeah, I saw that.

Yeah.

By the way, she was sick.

Wendy Williams rules.

She does.

I didn't know Wendy Williams ruled.

I don't know much about her.

Watch clips.

She's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, she is.

She used to do a show at Comics in New York.

Were you around when Comics was there?

Oh, my God.

I'm going to pee my fucking pants.

Yeah, I'm going to pee my pants too.

We took a break.

I can't move, dude.

We'll see you later.

Are we in an hour?

Yeah.

Oh, dude, let's lie to the page.

I've been fighting it for like 10 years.

I could have been page right there.

We'll see.

Yeah, true.

There's a lot of stand-up talk.

Okay.

We'll see.

All right.