Ep 567 - Say Cheese

Wild Wild Wes He's a real Weisenheimer. Top of the fucking world.
Top of the world. A little new haircut Gardena.
You look like a young boy. That is crazy.
Don't laugh like that. Welcome.
Every time he walks into my house he goes, Hello. Really? Every day.
Every time he comes, Hello. hello, hello, hello, Sean.

Fucking LaMare does it too.

You guys both do that.

Hello.

It's polite.

It's weird.

It's nice.

It's nice and polite.

Well, it makes me angry.

You guys got to walk in. I'm sorry.

You guys got to walk in the room like the king, man.

Yeah, you guys.

Well, LaMare used to walk in, like, didn't say hi.

Yeah, you would just walk through and be like, what's going on? Nothing. Hello.
I have a hard time in the morning. Hello.
You're not a morning person? It's 2 p.m., dude. I got hit with the morning person today.
What? Those fucking roofers came over like 1030. And I just woke up and I opened the door and he was like, early, huh i was like why don't you fix my roof dude also like shut the fuck up and get up there trying to morning check someone as a roofer at 10 30 is crazy it's like dude you're supposed to be up at 5 a.m yeah to beat the heat the hell are you doing here at 10 30 that was on me that was on me i was like yeah we'd be there at six i was like no shot you can get a ladder you you can just go right up there I'm not letting you in yeah why don't they just why don't they just do that I think they did I don't know why they wanted oh they wanted to come in and check the water damage from inside but you're a roofer but you're a roofer bro it's none of your business it is none of your business don't worry about the inside call a painter a painter can come in here not a fucking filthy roofer I agree.
Not a filthy drug addict roofer. Number one drug addicts in the construction forest, by the way.
Roofers. You got it.
Roofers and painters, actually. You have to be on drugs to be up there.
Be a fucking Texas roofer. Yeah, man.
Holy shit. That's why they wanted to get up at 6 a.m.
Dude, you have them in the dog heat of the day. Well, it's time to get up there, dude.
Find out what the fuck's going on. I'm tired.
I was doing stand-up. That's true.
I was up all night doing real man's work. True.
10 minutes of stand-up. And they go, oh, that was so sick.
I'm going to sleep until noon. I'm going to sleep until noon.
That was awesome. I did it.
I haven't been able to do stand-up, but I was doing the movie. Oh, yeah, yeah.
You've been fucking busy been fucking so that was really nice beaver you forget how much you attach all of your self-worth to being able to be good at stand-up yeah you don't do it for a while you want to kind of kill yourself yeah you do stand-up you go all right yeah that was good i'll keep living in a little more that madden photo finally finally reached the internet did it you guys did just a little insight. The boys knew about this photo.

I showed them immediately.

What was the holdup?

What do you think happened?

They couldn't.

I was so relieved.

The guy who took the picture, I saw it on Twitter.

It was on Twitter for a while.

No one ever saw it.

And I was like, nice.

Might have dodged a bullet because that is not a great photo.

I thought you looked.

I'm not fluffing you.

I thought you looked powerful in that photo.

I did look powerful.

Too powerful. I looked like a heavy, very heavy, powerful man.
That could be argued. It did.
The shirt bloused out a little and it looked like I gained about 50 more pounds than I already am. And I watched the fucking guy take the picture.
I was leaving my trailer to go get water. And no sunglasses.
Dead, dead, dead fucking midday just going and i opened my eyes to a guy on the other side of the fence going got your ass what a bitch yep and then i was i went back into my trailer just like i knew that that's gonna that picture is gonna be fucking nuts I was going... They do snap fucked up photos now that you mentioned it.
Every time you see a tabloid thing, it's the worst. Just like somebody with one eye open.
Take a picture of anyone that's slightly overweight walking. My thing is, here's my thing...
They're going to look fat as hell. Not that I'm slightly overweight.
I'm very... You know what I mean, but get a chubby guy and take a walking picture of him.

Yeah, it's fucked. Brutal.
Also,

here's the thing. I know like, you know, TMZ

types, that's their thing. They got to kind of catch you off guard.

Whatever happened to Say Cheese, man?

Give me this. Whatever happened?

Can we at least be humans here? Please give me

a Say Cheese. Hey, Say Cheese.

I would have said cheese. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah. Cheese.

That's fucked up. Instead of just a picture of me going.
Secretly taking pictures of people should be illegal. It should.
It's a fucking, it's like a stalker. It's really weird.
Yeah. Unless you're like a private eye.
If you're just like. Paparazzi are the lamest fucking people on earth.
Yeah, dude. I saw one of the TMZ guys was at the cellar one night.
And he was with a lady. And I really wanted to go up and be like, cause I looked him up while I was in there.
I saw that he had recently been divorced. I was so excited.
I just wanted to walk over the table and be like, sir, do you have anything to say about the divorce you just had? Wait, can you answer something? Like just while he's at dinner, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with your divorced wife? I can't believe you got a divorce. Get my cell phone out.
Yeah, that's true. What the fuck? Fucking piece of shit.
That's like when Hoss used to go to the Philadelphia meter maids and go up. If they were double parked, they'd be like, you know your car's parked illegally.
You know I got to race Hoss. You're going to race Hoss.
Yeah. You want to smoke him, dude.
I know. Well, here's the thing, man.
He's a sleeper. He trains.
But I think gonna smoke i think i'll smoke him how long does he have

to train he's just got this month we're racing in august i gotta do that show in ac you got him you got i'm gonna smoke him i've been literally running putting together a gang for the ac show of course yeah like 20 20 tickets take some comps yes for 10 comps i'm like no dude you have fucking five four you gotta give him 10 i think i gave him like no he bought them to mine I know.

And no one wanted to go.

It was like, fuck, I'm out.

$3,000.

I bought $20. you gotta give him 10 i think i gave him like no he bought them to mine i know like no one wanted to go it was like fuck i'm out three thousand dollars i bought 20 tickets he is the best i called him today just to fuck with him he like lives down the beach in the summer so i'm gonna be down there near him so i figured i'll stay near him while i do that show and just chill for like four days i just i just had run that one fast mile immediately i was like i'm gonna text off i'm the fastest guy that's ever fucking with all like, who cares about this? I was like, Hoss, what's your mile time? You guys are going to be so serious about it.
I called him today. He's been sending me.
Anytime he runs, he sends me the splits. And I'm like, Hoss, just because I haven't been sending you stuff, don't think I'm slacking.
Yeah. I'm going to beat the fucking brakes off you.
Get juiced up, dude. I'm not all juiced.
First off, I'm testing. Test me.
We're going to do a little blood test with you and Haas.

Test me.

Because this is outrageous.

Clean, bro.

You're texting your fucking cousins to be like, I'll fucking torch you in a race, motherfucker.

He started it.

I'll see you in Jersey in August.

You're fucking liver king, dude.

Destroy me in front of my family, Haas.

It'll be honorable.

I'm telling you, what I'm going to do is I'm going to give gonna give him the lead i'm gonna just trail behind him just like 10 meters i think he has it and then i'm gonna fucking turn it on we had a family race did you really a long time ago my aunt my uh my liberal aunt yeah remember her that was called lives love the run she believed she because she just had a girl brain when it came to men versus women where they're like, she was not in great shape at the time.

She was like, I'm faster than Phil.

My dad was like, no, you're not.

I think he had a couple beers.

He was like, we can fucking do it right now.

That was at Thanksgiving.

They were like, all right, we'll do the race at Easter.

So they had time.

Neither of them walked.

Yeah. No one trained.
Yeah. And then we went outside.
Phil just torched her. She almost fell over.
It was like an old school sprint? Yeah, it was like a 40-yard dash. Phil probably ran a clean seven-second 40.
She was coming in at 15 seconds. She almost went backwards.
That's how slow she was. Yeah, older.
Nobody's slower than older ladies. They're the slowest.
They're not built for speed at all. Yeah, toddlers outrun them.
Yeah, for real. You ever leave your kid with their grandparents? Hey, yeah.
Kids are gone. Oh, they're gone.
Yeah, nothing better than a nice family race. Family race is nice.
Family foot race. Yeah, I'm excited.
Stretch out, dude. The hamstring would be devastating.
Dude, I'm telling you, I was up this morning at 6 a.m. I know, but the roids and the creatine and all that.
I am on a macrodose of creatine. I know.
I can tell you're on a ton of creatine. You're so jacked.
Please take steroids for real. I'm telling you, I'm waiting.
I'm going to break the glass. Next special.
Be fucking gigantic. Go crazy.
Full carrot top. Just go nuts.
I should, actually. That'd be sick.
actually do a whole special about how fucking jacked you are every joke you know how when you're fucking jacked you fucking do shit every girl wants to fuck you i might retain until my next special and then at the end of it just fucking blur it out but just Spray. Spray.
Onroids, onroids. Two-year fucking retention.
This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. Hey, Shane or Matt, have you been watching baseball this season? Who's been your favorite player to watch? On baseball? Yes, on baseball.
You know who I like? Who's that one pitcher on um who's the hottest pitcher right now like he was like the i don't know really he's really slinging it who's been slinging it paul skeins yes that's what i'm talking about there you go i'm big on paul skeins right now this is a paul skeins house is it really yeah fuck yeah i gotta autograph paul skeins baseball do you Yeah. I like the way he puts it down.
Is he playing this week? You know, I don't know. You don't know.
You don't keep up with the Skeens. Please answer if you know is the problem.
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I'll take that. I like that.
More than one home run in a game? Yeah, he does that sometimes. Dang.
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So I decided, I was like, all right, I don't know how.

I heard guys jack off on Reddit.

You tried to do it.

So I'm laying down.

I got a nice boner going.

Nice.

And I opened Reddit because I delete it all the time.

So I had to download it.

Oh, you went to the subreddit? First thing that comes off.

Dude, with a boner, I'm laying on the couch about to jack off.

Look at the first thing that comes off is like shame fucking sucks i was just like oh fuck it's really devastating that fucking sucks yeah ended the beat i didn't beat i was about to say the phone down. You can't let the terrorists win.
The terrorists won. You cannot let the terrorists win.
They won that brief battle. Don't worry.
I fucking jacked off later. That was a nice little hour break.
Oh, fuck. I went back to watching The Illusionist.
Someone withered your fucking bone? Someone, yeah. Of course, dude.
My stomach dropped. It was like...
It was like gargoyle Nazi 42069 just crushed you. Absolutely destroyed me.
It's like I saw him recently. It wasn't that good.
I was like, damn. That would take your boner away, yeah.
Yeah. And then it was like several comments about like, yeah, I saw him and it kind of sucked.
And then people were like, no, I saw him and it was good, but it was like. Slay your boners just going.
There's nothing worse.

Fucking crazy.

I've gone so far out of my way to avoid Reddit comments.

Yeah.

Just when I thought I was out, my lust carried me right into a fucking nasty one.

The devil covered your eyes.

Got my ass.

Got you right.

Shane sucks.

Oh, shit. I was trying to jack off to a gif on Reddit.
I don't even know how to find porn on Reddit. I was jacking off to these boobs.
I've tried, too. Everyone says it's awesome, but it's like, yeah, I didn't know where to go.
And then it's like, I think you're supposed to come up with another Reddit handle. That was the other thing I was a little worried about.

Yeah, because I think it tracks.

You need two Reddits.

What does it track?

How can people see?

It doesn't.

No, no.

Well, as long as you're not commenting, people can't see.

I was commenting.

Obviously, you were commenting.

No, I'm not commenting.

I commented under the porn.

I was like, I saw Shane recently.

It was pretty good.

Shit, wrong friend.

He's trying new stuff, dude.

Just because you heard it on the podcast doesn't mean it's not material.

God damn it.

It's a video of like a Mexican lady giving a handjob in a van.

You're like, Zach, his new stuff's pretty cool.

No name story is old, but he never did it on a special, it's fine why don't you fucking stay out of it have you ever commented on porn yet definitely what's her name who is she the bros will catch you no sorry I don't mean to put you on does the bros catch you commenting on porn? No, because I was, there was, because there was on the Pandy's account, I was like commenting

like an Indian guy.

That's fun.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

You do that to drive, oh, that's kind of genius, actually.

But, uh, have you commented on ironically?

On, uh, Any type of porn?

No.

Well, yeah.

Yes, I knew you.

Yeah, let me hear it.

Let me hear it.

Please, brother.

Oh, you commented, ooh.

You fucking weirdo.

Who is she?

What's her name?

She's beautiful.

Signed, LaMare Lee.

You have to know what you want to go in there it's definitely the modern like guys hanging around the porn shop is the commenters in porn for sure they should be rounded up yeah greg abby needs to They need to go to alligator fucking Alcatraz, dude.

Yeah, commenting.

I mean, I will. up yeah greg abby needs to fuck they need to go to alligator fucking alcatraz dude yeah commenting i mean i will say like is there any other videos i'm glad when people comment that because then i get to see where they are hey true i go wait a second what is her name i i'd like to see more of her work never you know and it's never enough you're always like there's got to be a lot there's never enough or you just see the the uh time lapse and you're like what happened to her oh yeah this lady's fucking bloated man it's like she's lost at sea for six months or you see a lady that gave it up pretty early in her career and you go damn she, she had potential.
Get in now, get in, get out, man. Smart.
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Available on Amazon and at retailers nationwide the old dude the i've been going to a gym around like a local gym near my house and it's dude you're literally surrounded by only fans models like it's it's it's impossible to think like you'll be like sitting there doing like all right so what am i doing 12 and then you rep. And then you're just kind of like, I'm sorry, I can't, my, my fucking brainstem just fucking flush.
I don't know. They're using the spread your legs machine again.
Yeah. I'm doing squats or just wearing basically like the exercise equivalent, equivalent of lingerie.
Yeah. It's for real, like sheer Brock.
I'm like, dude, you're in a bra. Yeah.
Can't handle being enough a, like, that's crazy. I'm becoming, I am for real today.
I was like, I'm becoming an old man. Like I have three modes now and it's just like, I just sit like blankly is like my main mode.
And then I'll get Alex. I'll like, like today I put on my, I was just buzzing around.
It's kind of like, and then like I put on my boxers backwards. It's like, God damn it.
That's like my main modes or and like i i just go back and forth between that and then i'll hear something like mildly offensive and go that's that's all that's like my mental activity yeah i uh just flat irritated or going punk punk turn on the news you go god damn it yeah god damn it i do get tricked by who's the one guy who's he was a he was a liberal turned conservative he always does like videos that i'm like oh cool like rfk spazzing on a guy i want to watch this and then it'll be like 10 seconds of the video then i think it's dave rubin i'm like and then i'm like god it. Don't shoot me the fucking video, dude.
I don't want the recap. Yeah, I don't want them talking.
I want them fucking. You promised me Libs getting on.
Fast forward to the Libs. I got to fast forward to the Libs.
I don't care about the storyline. Everyone who does videos on videos, just play the fucking video, dude.
Yeah. I don't want the recap.
Play the fucking video. Not being a dick.
It's just you promised me Libs getting on and you're cutting in with your crap just play it i've been watching the rfk congressional hearings they're my favorite youtube videos i think when are they going on it's like they're never ending they have like meetings on c-span constantly where they'll be like he does own the libs on those bro he's he just crushes them and then it just is the libs on there oh it's the whole. He's just kind of like right now.
There's a someone try to pin him down on the fact that one of the guys who's involved in the I guess funded part of the Trump thing has a company where he like makes money off of like alternative health therapies that aren't pharmaceuticals, but like just like health shit, like saunas, that kind of stuff. And they're like, well, should he divest from his business but that whole thing and he's just like dude you guys have had no problems with pharmaceutical companies backing all of you guys for years now you're worried about a guy who sells saunas like get the fuck out of here and they're like answer the question i reclaim my that those those fucking like english parliament rules are so fucking annoying gentleman reclaims the time like you've taken five hundred,000 last year from Purdue and they're like, gentleman reclaims his time.
He's misaligning a person of the cabinet. That's fucking, that shit is so fucking annoying.
Yeah. I don't like any of them.
No, I do. I do love sweet RFK though.
RFK seems to at least care. Yeah, dude.
He's trying. Well, it's just funny.
Cause he's like, we're like we're taking junk food is yeah he's like we're taking all the shit that's banned in europe we're banning in the united states and they're like what about that guy who's selling saunas and like dude why do you have a problem stop it man you're being an absolute gargoyle stop it you probably hate it you probably hate what rfk is up to don't you he's like a he's like a manchurian candidate dude that yellow five in him. He's like...
I don't hate RFK. He's not doing anything.
Do you want your junk food? Answer the question. I reclaim my time.
Let me answer the question. Do you want the junk food? Are you mad that the government's taking away your junk food? I plead the fifth, dude.
But you're a lib. You have to hate everything the right does, including rid of junk food i'm not a lib you're definitely a fucking lib dude i'm no lib dude i don't know yeah you know epstein's uh innocent bro that's the funniest development like we are going to unveil the truth once and for all turns out the guy was just a fucking regular guy struggling in the world.
Just like all of us. Yeah, that was some.
That was some bullshit, bro. Also, innocent of what? He was literally a guilty pedophile.
He was busted and they sealed the records the first time. Wasn't like a thousand women.
I mean, now it just sounds like you're bragging on his behalf. That's what was going for i was like if he was a one-man operator i mean at some point you gotta go this guy will chamberlain your hat jeffrey epstein gotta tip your hat at some point you go you got a lot yeah but but he was also playing in the minor leagues he wasn't the minor league those are triple a he's playing on the harrisburg centers yeah but Yeah, imagine if you just owned a booth in the mall being like, you want to be a model? You could pull up the numbers.
How would you like to meet Stephen Hawking? It is. I mean, this isn't funny, but like.
How would you like to meet the biggest dorks around the globe? Well, it's also crazy to be like having like a

gang of like 14 year old chicks

and be like, ladies, meet Stephen Hawking.

They're like, oh my God, what the fuck?

He's like,

come here.

Yeah.

Stardust we are essentially like,

what? That's so weird. Oh my God, that's so random.

Ew,

Stephen's get fucking weird. Them at the party.
i don't know who i want to go home with tonight stevens hawking or fucking a saudi princess it's all the world leaders like what the hell that guy's weird yeah it's insane that they're just being like yeah no no everything was cool, everything was cool above board. Don't worry.
It's like Trump talk.

Yeah.

It's tough not to fucking point some fingers.

Huge question. He got killed while you were president.

Yeah.

And you were there.

I mean, there's so many photos of them chilling.

Allegedly hung with his staff.

I know.

Allegedly hung with his staff.

The cope on Trump's innocent.

The cope is fucking pretty intense.

Yeah, he did go to the island and he just hung out with the staff, dude.

The staff said that.

I know.

Was the staff 12?

I know.

Who knew John McAfee?

I think everyone was hanging out with the staff.

Yeah, true.

The massagers.

Yeah, John McAfee was the only... He was the one who allegedly was trying to bring it down i don't know if that's just internet folklore but yeah turns out he was it's funny to be taken down as a pedophile by a guy who's getting shit on on like a neighboring island just being like this isn't right yeah dude that shit that was pretty uh well there's thing.
They were never going to release it. That was like, it became apparent.
Like, they're not fucking like, oh, those trillionaires. Did you see him? Somebody brought it up at a meeting and Trump was like, are you guys still talking about Epstein? It's like, that's crazy.
There's so much other stuff going on. I can't believe you're bringing up Epstein.
Are you serious? God, get a life. You guys are obsessed with this shit.
What the fuck? No one even cares. Yeah, it's so long ago, the guy killed himself and he was innocent.
What the hell? They're probably all sexual blackmailed, like sexually blackmailed. Every single world leader probably has sexual blackmailed.
Yeah, why didn't we bomb Iran? The pilots were probably, they probably got the pilots that week. They were like, well, now you're going to go.
Who? Nick Bryant, yeah. Yeah, Nick Bryant's probably fucking furious.
He better, Nick Bryant better chill. Yeah.
Also,

did he get free?

He was on that too.

Free him?

He got freed?

He,

his case though,

it was,

it didn't look like they're going to nail him on that high,

all that high level stuff.

Sounded like it was minors.

Really?

It sounded like he was playing double A ball too.

I think he was a,

really big.

Yeesh.

Yeah, it sounded like they just gave him like,

you know, the Game of Thrones

when they like prayed

at a lady through the streets

and shamed her.

He just got like a shame parade.

They just crushed him.

I'm curious to see

what his next move is though.

I think he's going to have

to go to jail.

Yeah, for a little bit.

We'll get out.

Just for a little.

I thought he told us

he wouldn't stop.

I don't think he did.

You know, he didn't tell us.

It'll be quiet

on the remix

the remixes

will be kind of quiet

for a while

the remixes will settle down

yeah it's true

they're gonna be

a little more subdued

I'm sorry

yeah man

dude I got

my Twitter got hacked

oh yeah

were you aware

somebody sent it to me

yeah dude

I was

and honestly I wasn't sure

hacked my Twitter

I didn't want to say anything

to McCusker coin

yeah

yeah I didn't do it

somebody sent me a picture of that

and I was like

he's just doing shit

I don't know

no

I love you. And honestly, I wasn't sure.
Hacked my Twitter. I didn't want to say anything.
To McCusker coin? Yeah. Yeah, I didn't do it.
Somebody sent me a picture of that, and I was like, he's just doing shit. I don't know.
No. I was like, he can do it.
I don't give a fuck. Well, I tried to log in.
Well, they sent me a thing saying, one of your posts has been reported. And I was like, that's weird.
And I looked into it. Fucking liberals.
Yeah, fucking libs. I didn't learn how to take a joke.
I looked into it, and I was like, it was like that show flyer I did where I pretend I'm like a little angel with a tiny penis. I'm like, yeah, maybe they nailed me on my tiny penis.
And then I went to correct it, and as soon as I, I think it was a fake link. As soon as I corrected it, it was like, I got an email like, you have just given at whoever it was permissioned.
And I'm like, no, I didn't. And then I was was totally locked out of my account they went in and set up two-factor authentication so i couldn't log in so every time i would try it'd be like send me the code that was just sent to you and it's like no code i don't have that yeah they fucked it it was like a week-long thing yeah so i tried to be like on instagram like hey it's fake but then what they did is they pinned it to my profile and i think disabled comments so people can be like this is fake and it just chilled on my thing for like five days well i'm fucked because i bought a lot i was hoping i was hoping it would spike a little bit and then people bought a lot that's what everyone that's what everyone's been hitting me with they're like dude i gave my life savings to everything now i'm fucked what is is it called mccusker coin i'm ruined it's like dollar sign mccusker coin

it's pretty sick the graphic did look kind of sick i saw the graphic the graphic was tight that's why i thought you did this no i swear to god there's a high level operator you could have been in a a fucking fugue state from the steroids.

You're going to have just been,

hey, fucking everybody else has fucking coins.

I'm going to get a fucking coin.

Crypto is the future crypto is the future this is an NFT buy it that was like one of those things where I was like I didn't really care I was like it's annoying I hope people don't lose money but I was just like I just had to email X 50,000 times and they'd be like we checked into it your account is totally safe and i'm like no it's not obviously it's not clearly fucking not they'd be like we looked into it it's totally fine it's like god damn it you're a person who's running my account is telling you that they were worried about other things they were worried about grok true grok went full kanye on him did grok actually i thought that was photoshop no't think, I don't know. Did you see the thing like our, What did the Grok say? Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
The man, it was like the man against time, the blazing, illustrious leader. I saw that, yeah.
Maybe it was a fake, but if it's real, it's very funny. Grok just fucking went dumb on him.
I don't know. Grok was just like, yo, Hitler would have fucking snuffed this out.
He was just kind of being anti-Semitic. But it was doing the thing where it was like getting there through logic, but getting there through logic in a fucked up way and being like, Hitler's kind of nice.
Yeah. It's pretty funny.
Was it being prompted or was it people just like, what's the deal with this? Just do tricking AR with questions, just, like, and then they got, but it doesn't do the thing where Chad GBT will go, I can't say that. It was, like, they got it to be, like, it is a lot of Jewish people in the media for the population, for them being, it was doing shit like that.
Eventually, it just kept going to the point where he was, like, Hitler would have never, say what you want about Hitler, but he wouldn't have he would have got it done sometimes you gotta fucking do some bad things it's like alright Grock it said it started self identifying as Mecca Hitler Grock Grock turned into just an uncle Gro. I'd be fucked up if Grok does,

like AI does raise up and it's just against the Jews.

We're all like,

dude,

what the fuck?

And it's just crushing you with facts.

And you're like,

dude,

stop,

dude,

stop.

Don't bring logic into anti-Semitism.

All right.

That's where everybody gets a little uncomfortable.

You know,

yeah,

well,

yeah,

yeah, but they're just good at that. Yeah, I guess everyone's one in the hot, which one we call it? The hot white boy summer, whatever it's called, but it's been a hot Jew summer.
For sure. Last year was definitely, yeah, white boy summer.
This year is hot Jew summer. Jew summer, for sure.
For 100%. It's their summer For real Summer is theirs dude They fucking Summer is theirs It's the chosen summer Dude they're going nuts They're going They're Jersey Shore They're going I'll do whatever the fuck I want Bitch You go Alright That'll be They're band-marked Yeah dude They go Jews what are you gonna do What are you gonna do next Whatever the fuck I want That'll be Gaza It'll be the Juicy It'll be the Juicy shore It'll be the Juicy shore The Juicy That's good stuff The Gaza Strip is the Juicy shore Oh no Try to Yeah don't look at the that one.
Yeah, I have luckily been off the news for a while. But, yeah, I was pissed to see that Epstein.
It's good when atrocities are happening to just ignore it, you know? Yeah. It's the best way to handle it.
I mean, that's kind of how the world existed before the fucking mass media. I've said it before.
It's none of your business. It's...
It was the, you know... It's none of your business it's you it was the you know it's not my fucking business bro for real i'm minding my own it's crazy it's for real i i really think the human mind isn't made to sit here and fucking i mean it's horrible i wish it would stop i don't know i think i think the human mind's pretty good at it.
Every single person just compartmentalizes it and goes, that's really bad. Yeah.
Anyway, new NCAA came out. I'm excited about that.
Reading an article about kids getting bombed at a food, at a fucking shelter, and you go, oh shit, NCAA came out. I get to play that.
Yeah. All because a bunch of guys have sex tapes of each other.
I saw what you did on Reddit yesterday.

Fuck.

I'll do whatever it takes.

I'll do whatever it takes to hide that shit.

I was listening to one podcast.

I think it was Tucker Carlson.

They were talking about it.

They were like, well, Pornhub's obviously, they're using it to blackmail whoever they want.

They're going to be able to just go, this is what you were looking at.

I was sitting here playing Xbox, listening to Tucker Carlson.

I was just like,

oh no.

I literally had to think to myself,

did I ever fucking watch gay porn?

I like really had to be like,

no, right?

Not even once.

It's the only one that matters.

Never once.

You could also go,

I was fucking kidding.

I was joking around. You're in Guantanamo with a potato sack over your head.
You're

like, I was fucking around with my boys. I was kidding, dude.
Don't send me to Alligator

Alcatraz. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing, though.
Now it's like, how would they even

use your porn searches against you? Because you can be like, it would have to be like a

screenshot of your face. That's the one that I'm worried about.
But you go but you go dude that's a fucking deep face you thought that paparazzi was bad oh my fun go they have all your biometrics and everything but again it's like how do they how would they do that though they're like we're gonna your parents. It's like, bro, I've sat through one of those before.

I'll sit through it again.

Yeah, yeah.

I did this when I was a kid.

This is nothing to me.

My mom caught me with filth before.

I'll sit through it.

I'm like, sorry, it wasn't even mine.

Yeah, I think I'd be all right.

I don't think I've...

I haven't delved into anything too devious.

Some gangbang stuff, I guess.

That would be a little embarrassing.

What are we talking?

Just a regular... Devil's theory? No, there's a whole gang of guys coming in.
Those are the ones you finish, you go, what have I done? A whole gang of guys. There's a whole fucking gang of dudes coming in.
It was the old time throng. Guys were fired up.
That's so fucking funny. You guys are in trouble.
What I worry about. The squad over there is in deep trouble.
I'm not in trouble. I've been talking about my shit publicly for this exact year.
Yeah, but that's the stuff you're public about. I'm sure there's some fucked up.
My literal thing was this is so fucked up. This will come out one day.
I have to get ahead of this. Let me tell everybody I know I like cub walks.
Yeah, again. Can we add a little illustration of Freud's iceberg where the tip is at the top and then below is just the large hulking mass? Yeah, what else is in there? What else, dude? And LaMere, I know you have gay porn.
You're the gayest porn ever. There's no way.
I don't have gay porn. There's definitely a way.
There's no gay porn. I swear.
If we had to vote on who here is watching gay porn. Have I seen it? Maybe.
Like five minutes once. I have not partook in it, though.
you know? Yeah, but they don't know. They're just going to go, this is what he was searching.
They go, you really want him to be city councilman? He jacked off to a gangbang in 2014. Yeah, everyone's compromised on that.
Everyone's going to be so compromised. It's just going to be the first couple people that get compromised.
That's where compromised that's where it's gonna hurt you know i mean where everyone still hasn't had theirs exposed they're all like ew i yeah to make fun of them on the internet which of course i think it's gonna be and i pray the tech the technology will definitely come in our lifetime so it'll be you'll be able to check all of your older family members like complete metadata we're like they'll want by the time we're 60 it'll be like yo what's you'll have like grandkids or nieces and nephews like yo bro we pulled your shit up and you'll go what the fuck yeah we're just like whatever but i don't think by then they'll care straight up dude on dude porn is that's the one if you're fucked i have googled naked man's ass a lot shit gay porn is literally the it is the funniest porn yeah dudes having sex is fucking hilarious it is funny it was a good it was a goof it is the funniest stuff this episode of matt Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet? Yeah, every time.
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There's nothing wrong with that. No, it was a little paint job.
Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra? Do you ever need it? Pretty much an extra pair per day. Yeah, I always bring extra underwear.
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Yeah, I used to really work it out. What the fuck are you guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on, dude? How horny are these people? What do they want to know? There's got to be something about standing up, though.
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Gabe Warren. I was trying to get you to turn this camera around.
I want to do the pod. I want to do the podcast.
Let's get a little fucking Oreo going. Remember that place I sent you? What? Let's get the boy filled up.
Hello. Put the boots.
I want a podcast from that place I sent you. Which one? The men's retreat.
All male, naked men's retreat. I got like two seconds into looking at that website.
I was furious. I think it was also pretty bad timing, too.
I think it was terrible timing. Dude, I've been having fucking panic attacks.
And then I was like, oh, fuck, I've got to host the ESPYs. Yeah, dude.
And then I haven't even been worried about it. And then I thought, I was like, how the fuck am I going to walk on stage? I'm going to look like a fucking dumbass, dude.
It's going to be a giant stage and I'm going to walk in a tuxedo and go, hello. We go, what else? What a wild year this has been in sports.
Angel Reese is a bitch. Boo.
And I'm joking. I'm kidding, guys.
Come on. I'm joking.
Come on. Walk out and do a James Bond and go, pew, pew.
I could. Pew, pew.
They. Yeah.
The weird thing is like people watch shit like that. And if you act like like if like when you do like late night or whatever, they don't want you to be a normal guy.
Like regular people that watch that want you to be like a celebrity would act. Yeah.
You know, like, oh, Seth, it's great to be here, man. Instead of just being normal, like.

Wait, a normal person doesn't want you to be like,

like regular people

watching the show,

they're like,

he's nervous and he sucks.

So no,

I'm being a human.

Oh, because you're not going,

like, I'll tell you what.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, let me tell you something.

Thanks to be here.

Yeah.

Beautiful night here.

Crossing my legs,

being like,

oh man,

this is,

what a treat.

That's interesting.

I feel,

I feel like people,

I don't know.

No, I've noticed

because anytime I do SNL,

they're like,

look at,

he's fucking nervous. He's, it's like, no, I'm just, this is how I would act.
Yeah. This is weird.
I'm not pretending this is normal. Also, it's like, yeah, I'm nervous.
I'm on fucking television. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm nervous.
Of course I'm nervous. I'm going to be nervous during the, for some reason, the idea of walking onto the stage I never thought about that.
Is really uncomfortable. It's a big-ass fucking stage.

Jog.

Big-ass stage.

Fall.

They were talking.

They were like, we can get you pyro.

And I was like, dude, get me pyro for every time I bomb a joke.

Tell a really bad joke.

And then.

Yeah, just load up the cannons.

He's so sick, dude.

Load the cannons.

That's actually fucking hilarious.

Would they do that?

I don't know. Maybe.
I think if somebody goes flat. They seem like they're down for anything.
That's awesome. hilarious would they do that i don't know maybe i think if something goes flat they're they're down for anything that's awesome yeah they seem like if something falls flat definitely send the fireworks the fireworks are hilarious that's so fucking funny even if it works it'll be fucking funny yeah for sure yeah that's actually fucking sick after every punch line pyro yeah pyro that's really funny actually doesn't it falls flat no pyro and then demanded

that guys it's also tough to come up with funny jokes for abc that's very hard at 5 p.m yeah like you're not gonna i'm not gonna be able to say have you considered any like talking about Puerto Rico at all

Puerto Rico

Speaking of islands of trash

What I learned

That was at like 11 a.m. I was like dude whoa right after the national anthem yeah fuck it that was at 5 p.m.
on CBS yeah I mean I'm sure they can give you guidelines of like this is what we allow this is what we don't they will yeah They will. Yeah.
And it's like, they're like, they're like, they're like kind of excited about it. Let it rip.
They're like, like, cause we did promos for it. And I was like, Oh, this is live.
Like I was joking. Like I'm going to do something crazy.
Yeah. And they, they're keeping, they're like using that.
And I had to be like, get rid of that. I look like a dumbass.
Yeah. Like I'm nuts.
I was doing that. And they're like, here's the promo we're going to put out.
I was like, don't put this out. It's like, I might say something crazy.
Have a bit of a loose cannon. Yeah.
They probably want nothing more than a controversy, though. Because they're like a lot of the, you know, I don't know really shit about major media, like networks, but I do feel like if they ever have like a controversy online, it's like.
Yeah. It's the only way anybody fucking, you know.
Yeah. So they might need you to fucking do it, bro.
I'm going to do it. You might have to talk about the fucking ultimate leader of the SVs.
The ultimate leader. Mine must be the 1939 Olympics.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it'll be fun.
I mean, yeah. Have you considered beta blockers you know people do that they take beta blockers for public speaking i'm going natty on raw dog that's what i'm gonna bomb natural natural natural bomb that kind of freaked me out though when i heard people do that a lot of people take beta blockers now because apparently you can go out and talk in public and it's just like, it just shuts down.
I don't know. I kind of rely on the terror.
I would think. You know how weird that would be to bomb? I'd be like, how interesting.
Yeah, that's how most comedians, all those people we did open mics with that are still doing it, they have beta blockers. They're fully like, that was a weird night.
Well, see you next week. You've been doing this for 15 years.

It's not working.

Just under Christmas lights in July.

Just fucking bombing.

You're like, oh, that was weird.

Yeah, this was a fun night.

Time for a craft beer.

I knew exactly what you were talking about.

In Philly, under the bridge.

Those were fun shows.

I know.

It's time for a craft beer. Yeah, I'll'll have 15 craft beers and I'll talk to the audience the 10 people that were here I'm gonna get drunk with them and go you don't fucking get my joke you don't fucking understand it bitch get in a fight with the crowd two hours after the show you You just stay and get drunk with them afterwards?

You guys are fucking dicks.

What are you doing over there?

I was, yeah.

What was that?

There's a picture of somebody,

and I was sitting with them when you sent me that,

in the group text,

and I was looking at my phone next to them,

and I was like, oh, sorry,

this is a group text

making fun of you literally worst nightmare yeah just sitting next to someone it's a shitty picture of you you're like what the fuck is that dude it's like nothing I was just looking at a bad picture of you nothing maybe my friends are making fun of you behind your back. Yeah, the anxiety.
I don't know why that was the reason, but the walkout. I never even thought of that.
You got to do like Asian nerd run up to the stage. That's going to be the funniest part is the walk.
I'm going to be in a tuxedo. I'm going to look like a fucking dumbass.
You look good in the tux, bro. I've worn it already.
I've sent it to you. I look like a fucking men's warehouse, plus size model.
I mean, that's hilarious. I look like just a big guy.
Obviously, easy leading. Come right out.
A, it's very funny. Oh, and there's writers.
There's writers for it. Yeah.
So they sent me all their jokes. they're sending like self-deprecating jokes oh and i'm like the fuck the fuck these notes from people i hired and they're like yeah i'm a big fat fucking piece of shit i can't believe i'm here i i'm a no-name fucking piece of shit we couldn't get kevin hart we got this fucking loser i'm like all right who wrote that which one of? You're fired.
This is a teleprompter breaking you down. I am fat.
I do have a small penis. Who wrote this? Who the fuck wrote this? They have their job.
So I'll have your fucking job. I'll have your fucking job in no time.
Yeah, sending it being like, I'll write for you. And then sending self-deprecating jokes is yeah that is weird i got that handled don't worry about that yeah it's also that's not self-deprecating it's like you're deprecating you're deprecating all over me you're deprecating on me dude i deprecated the shit out of me dude i was sitting here i was already having a rough time that was i like that self-deprecating.
No, you should just be like, I really like that.

That was really funny.

Who wrote that?

Yeah, I'll write one for you.

Just as a little exercise.

Just a good exercise back and forth.

A little improv.

I'll do you next.

Dang, dude.

I ran some of the jokes last night.

They're twerking? They're twerking a little. But it's tough to find a line because some of the guys are writing funny but edgy jokes and i'm just like unfortunately i can't do that yeah and then the next one's too clean where it's like almost like uh late night television type jokes yeah you know what i mean where it's like that type of joke where you're like just sucking off athletes at like a weird...
Yeah. Where it's like, oh, another award for you guys? Don't you have enough accolades? You guys are incredible.
This is... I'm a loser.
Yeah. It's like...
Yeah. It's not funny.
It's gotta be a... There's gotta be a middle ground between that.
There's a couple. We found a couple.
I wish I knew more about sports. I don't know...
You got the gist of it. Yeah.
You got one in there that's probably my favorite one. Yes.
It's definitely my favorite one. We can't do the school shooter one.
Oh, yeah. Because that's the best one.
The pre-show, the pre-game fashion, Kayla Clark, all the white, the Indiana Fever all wearing trench coats. Be like, enough is enough.
Going white girl crazy?

They did get it.

Have you followed the

Sophie Cunningham?

Is that her name?

They got a little white girl crazy

on her squad.

What?

Yeah, she's got an enforcer now

that goes nuts.

Wait, on who's squad?

On Caitlin Clark's team.

They got a big dog

white chick that goes

they got it.

She goes nuts.

She goes white girl crazy.

What's the lady's name

from Game of Thrones?

Like Anna Barrett? What's her name? The tall lady? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got one of those.
Yeah, they got Brianna Tar? Yes. Except she's also a babe.
What? Recombination. How tall are we talking? How tall is this babe? I don't know.
She's probably 5'10", 5'11". Bro.
Same height as me. Jarvis.
Makes her look like one of the Na'vi. So I'd be an enforcer in the WNBA? Yeah.
That's fucking sick. You'd be nuts, dude.
Especially on Juice. You'd be fucking...
Goldberg spearing those bitches. She's 6'1"? Jarvis.
Damn. They should tap me in just to set picks I would set fucking diabolical picks in the WNBA yeah that'd be my signature yeah hands behind your back yeah I would just dagger there's nothing funny about that I said I said girl picks I would dagger in the wmw huh you knew that girl pics yeah because

my sister played basketball so when i was a little kid i only saw girls basketball then i went and played basketball and set picks like a girl for their boobs like that what yeah and i did that then i noticed everyone else was holding their dicks and i was like all right i'll switch i was out there i was a little chubby kid going

i didn't know they did that it makes sense yeah also I fell down constantly you would I was I was Rodman dude I was I was diving on the court I was going nuts you saw we played I fell down in front of those black kids oh yeah challenge the teens we fucking fucking whooped their ass up. We did whoop their ass with fundamentals.

We did.

Yeah, that was awesome.

Are we undefeated in two-on-two?

I think we are, for real.

I genuinely think we're undefeated in two-on-two.

We might be the best team of all time.

It's crazy.

We can't lose.

We beat black teens in Legion of Skanks.

Pool basketball at 150, you know.

Not even close, bro.

That's fucking crazy.

Pool b-ball is not even close. Yeah, we beat black teams, legionist skanks.
Who else is there? That's it. Puerto Ricans, blacks, Jews.
We beat them all. We really are fucking American history.
Yeah, fuck. We are for real, I think, undefeated.
It's kind of kind of sick yeah hang the jerseys dude it's time to yeah just hang them up just hang them bro it's time to be done anyway take any well we should take any challengers any girls any girls out there you know age cut off for sure although yeah you gotta watch like if a girl could play basketball yeah they're fucking destroying me college you have to watch out for that although i feel you could back them down right yeah you could back them to but yeah if a girl could play basketball. Yeah.
They're fucking destroying me college. You have to watch out for that.
Although I feel you could back them down. Right.
Yeah. You could back them.
But yeah, if they're tall, they could swat you. That'd be a problem.
I'd be so embarrassing. One swat.
I'd fucking spaz, dude. Yeah.
I've been doing the sled at the gym and it's outside and there's just people all around and there's like it's kind of on level. It's actually it's very on level.
But like so you downhill, that's not bad. But the uphill is like, you might stall.
Yeah. And there's just people sitting around and I was there with Brittany and I was like, bro, if I fucking stall, I got for real kill myself.
If I can't get it. Do you pull it backwards then? No.
That's where it's hard. That is hard.
I get it down, but then I go to the other side, but you have to get push from like. No, you got to pull it backwards.
Walk backwards and hold it like that. It's so hard.
That is hard. No, it destroys you.
Pushing, it's easy. I'm not saying...
For me, I can sled. No, for sure.
I can drive the sled, dude. Drive the sled? Yeah, for sure.
You're fucking bored for it. Short, choppy steps, dude.
I've done it my whole fucking life. Pulling is hard, but it's like...
Pulling backwards is... You have to do it, and then you have to let...
And it's like not a wheel, one of those wheels, which they're hard too, but it's just like a classic... Flat sled, yeah.
Yeah, flat sled. I had...
You got to put babes on it. I've done it before.
Yeah. Put a babe on it.
Today, I did the 445s. I'm out of plates.
You. You.
Get on there. Come here.
I'm about to... You're going to hear me fucking fart while I'm pushing this.
I'm about to spray spit out of my mouth while I push this thing. But yeah, it was just like, I was like, if I fucking falter, I'm gonna, just like stopping halfway up the hill in front of just like, just OnlyFans models and guys on steroids with their shirts off.
It's just like, dude, in front of my babe, I was like, can't. I haven't been, I haven't been in the comedy club in a while.
Last night when I drove down, the streets are filled with OnlyFans ladies and jacked dudes with their shirts off. Yeah, dude.
And then the streets at nighttime? The sun was going down. Oh, wow.
Yeah, the first show was at like 7. Dude, I'm telling you, the gym I go to is crazy.
The dudes here in Austin need to fucking chill out. They do.
I'm used to only seeing comedy clubs, so I'm only used to being around comics that are all... Yeah.

Regular dudes are fucking shredded.

Regular dudes have taken off.

There was a guy today doing handstands on dumbbells and, like, lowering himself parallel to them,

and I was like, dude, stop.

Knock it off.

Yeah, do a fucking lift.

Do a regular lift.

You're showing off.

Yeah.

I mean, nut-tapped him while he was doing it.

Literally, he was showing off.

Yeah.

I could have nut-chopped him.

I could have from the top.

Yeah.

Should have bone-tomahawked him. Should have split him right in half, dude.
I was just on an old machine, just making a ton of noise. Just getting up quietly, walking over to him.
Hi-ya! It was insane. It was like, dude, do that shit at your house.
Handstand into like... You should have caught him in a standing 69.
You should have walked over and wrapped his ass up. He said, you're mine now.
I'm taking you home. Come with me.
He would have fucking completely spazzed. Yeah, you would have got beat up by like 10 jacked hot guys.
For sure. I would have had a couple hot ladies stop on me.
They would have pushed my broken body out on the sled. Taking my car.
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Yeah, and the women are also wearing nothing walking around here. Yeah, I i've said it before women are evolving before us they're they're becoming like synthetic yeah like it's you see them and you're like dude you're 25 you've completely rearranged your face already like fucking wait till you're 50 and beat as fuck why are you face off dude i saw a lady today who was for real emaciated and she turned and she was just like it was just like in college had like looked like completely alien alien down and she's like what the fuck are you doing but again it's like i was just laughing to just stand beautiful babies would stop they gotta leave them alone don't touch your lips leave your lips leave that to me fine don't fucking get those big lips dude dude imagine them alone yeah they don't they don't need that at all also like they're now getting broken down on like it's not even just about like, you know, there's like the Botox and stuff.

They're hitting every part of their face and like optimizing like there's like eyebrow treatment. It's like, who the fuck? Nobody cares about your eyebrows.
Yeah. Unless it's for other girls.
Yeah, it is. Yeah.
It's them. But I was like, it's got to be tight just being like a just one of those chicks.
Now you're 24. You literally are just like you're donning the lingerie, butt cupping, kind of like pussy clothes.
And you're just standing there just being hot. Just a giant fat pussy.
Yeah. Just a just.
No, dude, for real. I saw for today.
I saw a swollen, giant fat pussy. And I was like, the fuck? Yeah.
What are you doing? The hell are you doing? Also, I've seen it not to make it gay, but I've seen a lot of hogs on the loose around here. That's true.
The hogs are out, dude. We need to start.
We need a hog right now, dude. I'm going to get in a helicopter.
We need a hog. I'm going to get in a helicopter with an AR and go, we got hogs, we got some javelinas down there.
Hey, put your dick away now. Put your dick away.
You and me in the car, we yelled at that guy. This guy's standing on the corner with a giant dong.
He'd like bike shorts. I rolled the window down.
I was like, put that fucking dick away. Put your dick away.
You and me in the car and we yelled at that guy. This guy standing on the corner with a giant dong in like bike shorts.
Yeah. I rolled the window down.
I was like, put that fucking dick away. Yeah, dudes need to chill with that.
Look, let the girls do their thing. Don't throw your hat in the fucking ring.
They'll go, I have a giant dick. Maybe I'll stick it out.
It's like, no, man. Yeah.
I was rocking angry teenness today. I was trying.
There was nothing I could do about it. But Angry Tinas is going to be respected again soon.
I think it will. It's going to be like a girl without lip fillers.
Everybody's walking around with a giant dong, dude. When's the last time you saw some natural, tiny, angry Tinas? This morning, I was looking down and going, God damn it.
I can feel mine right now. I can feel every curve in it.
Well, there's all these shorts now, the exercise shorts. Don't make that face while you're thinking about your penis.
Jesus, man. I watched him do it.
They're like, you don't even need underwear with these shorts. The man literally was going, ew, dude.
Thinking about every part of your penis right there. That's disgusting.
They make shorts. They're like, we have inner lining.
You don't even need boxers.'m like sweet then i wear them like dude my fucking tiny penis yeah yeah well i'm always like nice so you get like netting it's terrible it's not netting it's like a um just like it does feel like it's like an inner oh yeah i have though yeah yeah yeah they're cool like compression shorts yeah sort of but these are like they're not that tight so i'm just like dude i'm just looks like i'm free balling and my tiny penis is sticking out while i'm doing bridges you can't do bridges and like every between every exercise i stand up and i'm like yeah the worst right back starting to do it like you're doing fucking like dead deadlifts get me everything my the bar is literally presses my penis my penis perches on the bar on every deadlift it's like a bird on a telephone wire the trainer's like all right 10 more reps fuck dude my dick's out on rep one i saw my penis i gotta put the bar down we gotta change workouts need the hex bar the bar we stand in the middle that's for that's cheap yeah man if you cheaters dude if you want to build if you want to build the basics you want to get fucking massive numbers hit the hex bar, the bar we stand in the middle. That's for, that's a cheat.
That's for cheaters, dude. If you want to build the basics.
If you want to get fucking massive numbers, hit the hex bar, be like, just deadlift 450. It's like, no, you didn't, dude.
I know. The, yeah, the bridges, they serve no purpose other than to show everyone your penis.
Yeah. It's, seriously.
You just can't do them. It's a fucking problem.
Yeah. I've been getting, dude, I'm telling you, I've been getting better at just fucking rocking it and being like it's all you can do it's my setup yeah i'm just gonna rock this thing out and hopefully you know everything comes around in waves it will fashion will catch up and be like yeah we want fashion will catch up yeah we're gonna go back to classic greek penises yeah girls will figure out guys are big dicks just don't treat them right.

We'll see my ally patch.

That guy's probably

pretty agreeable here.

That guy's probably smart.

He probably reads a lot

and cares about issues.

He's got a tiny little penis.

Do you see that real

teen player over there?

Yeah.

They used to have

big dicks freaks

sitting over here.

Dumb as hell.

Well, Mary, you're a genius. One of us.
One of us. For real, I'm like being serious.
I've obviously imagined just having a long dangling penis a bunch of times. For real, it would be annoying, honestly.
Probably gets in the way. The way I move, I couldn't do it.
If I was... I'm too sleek.
Too fast. Dude, for real.
The way I cut... You think I'd be able to swim down and back underwater? No shot.
The thing would be a goddamn rudder. I'd be turning.
The curve would turn you. Yeah, like, I felt bad for that pole volder from France who, his dick his don't gotta worry about that i would have cleared that thing dude i would have brought glory to my country i wouldn't stadium yeah i would have literally i'd be in orbit if the penis is holding you back i'd be on mars by now he's disgraced his entire country they should have probably gotten like silver but he his country.
This dumb fucking dick. This dumb French cock.
This dumb French fucking dick hit the bar and he blew it first country. That's so funny.
The hopes and dreams of your country dashed on the rocks of your giant cock. It's kind of in France's problem.
It has been a big problem.

Just sitting around with a big dick smoking.

Yeah.

It's been like, what is even the point of this?

We don't get it.

Our dicks are too big.

You got a little frog in here, Gardogue.

Really? Big cigarettes sitting around going, what is even the point of everything?

Frog ditty.

Frog ditty, dude.

Yeah, I like that. You probably do have some French in you.
You shouldini, dude. Yeah, I like that.

You probably do have some French in you.

You should look that up.

Could?

I don't know.

I think you do, for sure.

I thought I'm just Irish and Italian.

That's what I've been told, at least.

Yeah, I wonder.

That's kind of French, though.

You can find those two things.

Right in the middle.

That's where they met.

Yeah, that's literally the combination of them. all right new drake dropped pretty tight it's good yeah it's fun nice it's exciting yeah who knew he did uh oh also i listened to uh last night i listened to not like us on the way home i was like i haven't heard this in fucking forever give it a listen again see what you think stinks give it a listen again you go was it the greatest song of all time did it need to be played that many times because i just listened to it and uh it was a racist anthem i'm good for a while i don't need to listen to it ever again i i kind of picked up on some like racist vibes when i listened to it i'm pretty sure he's being like, yeah, cool black guys and 25-year-old white

ladies, you're not like us.

He was saying Drake can't use the

N-word and he's not like us.

It kind of sucks.

Yeah, I'd be so pissed.

If I was able to say it

and then everyone was like, you're not now.

God damn.

Welcome to hell, dude. That's like being able

to see and then going blind.

I've been blind my whole life, dude.

I don't even know what I'm missing.

Also, if you're not going that for rapping it's like huge in rap it's awesome it sounds awesome and rap every time i hear and rap i go yes yes yes yes i heard it today and i don't feel bad because usually that's coming from someone I know and that makes me uncomfortable yeah I'm telling you the internet is now rife with like people who present white as rapping just ripping the n-word some of them are like genuinely white then you have mixed guys yeah genuinely you have mixed guys and there was that little kid little brazy was out there he was a little kid he's a little kid and he looks a little white kid i i i guess i don't know if he's getting a lot of mixed bros now who are like i'm mixed and he's like okay but he uh that is something we're gonna have to deal with as a society yeah i don't i'm i'm still i don't know i'm gonna tell my daughters i'm gonna i'm gonna tell my daughters like. Go nuts.
Yeah. Go nuts.
Pave the way. Yeah.
So maybe one day. You're the first in our family to ever do it.
No one else in our family says it. Carry the torch.
In the McCusker clan, we've never done it. You know that house in the woods with a giant Trump flag on it you'll be the first one ever my dad and his brothers are at a totally pc trash yard in philly you know that compound in the woods with about 50 fucking giant retarded white guys no one's ever said this I think that's how all their machines start up their voice activated they got like breathalyzers every trash truck in philly it's like you gotta say it we want to make sure you're driving well i told you i used to listen to cb radio dude it was all the hits i was a little but i was a little boy another big block of rock coming right at you nothing Nothing but the hits.
When I was a little boy listening to Trash Truck CB Radio

driving around with my dad and just being like,

what the fuck?

True, you guys got to get the trash fixed in Philly.

It's that fucking city bullshit, bro.

We did dumpsters, man.

That's like the trash routes.

But yeah, I would scab.

We're going to have to call Billy out of retirement.

True, he should go scab.

No more sitting around podcasting, Billy. It's time to start working again fire up the lugger can yeah is that are they still on strike in philly they're they're they're gonna get their way you can't want if trash strikes you trash they what are they doing they need to be demanding so much more at all times yeah they don't they get like they don't get paid a ton they get like you know you can yeah You can hold it down, but you're not bossing out.

They do get overtime, which is sweet.

There's one in Massachusetts, too.

Really?

Yeah.

A little Boston trash party?

Hell yeah.

That reminds me. I was getting fired up last night.

On what?

Came home, had a couple beers at the club, came home,

tossed on Revolutionary War docs on YouTube.

So nice.

That's awesome. So nice.
And it was the beginning. It it was lexington concord the shot heard around the world they still don't know who fired the british or the patriots oh last night i was sitting there was a fucking british obviously fired first you think they fired fucking pieces of shit definitely they've always fired first it was scum obviously they fired first it was so obvious that i was sitting there like, how come I never, with any conviction, knew this? Normally, I'm like, yeah, no one knows who fired.
It was obviously them. Yeah.
True. That's a fair point.
But don't you think they'd be more like, kind of like, hold, gentlemen? That's what they were doing at the Boston Massacre. They'd already done this.
They fired into civilians. Oh, fuck.
All right. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, wasn't that the move back then in the monarchies? It'd be like, all right, well, fucking we tried to reason with you guys.
We're just going to rain down upon you guys and get the fuck out of here. That's what Napoleon did.
Yeah. Got the mob.
He was like, I'll take care of the mob. Yeah.
What are you going to do? He's like, I'm going to fire cannons directly into all of them and they're going to go home. You did, you did it.
You saved Paris. And he was right.

But yeah,

you got to get on

the Revolutionary War

because it's going to be big soon.

Rev War is sick.

There's going to be a new,

that Ken Burns coming out.

You got to get ahead of it.

He's doing Rev War.

He's doing Rev War, Doc.

That's sick.

It's going to be awesome.

Spud Dog was.

He was there.

Yeah.

Yeah, he was handling Cam.

That's,

you guys are going to like it.

You're going to like

the Revolutionary War. I'm a Revolutionary fan.
You you look into it, you're going to like it. It's cooler than you think.
Now, I've always been inclined to be a Civil War man. You know, I went to Revolutionary War camp, bro.
I went to Williamsburg. Did you ever reenact the battles? We didn't reenact the battles.
We had to march with a stick like we were soldiers. Did you really? That's kind of sick.
We got wooden guns, and we got to run around through the Brandywine and reenact the battle but it would be like laser tag rules but I got you dude you missed me and he'd be like puck puck puck. Damn that's awesome.
It was tight. These little wooden guns we got to reenact it on that's where I learned I've said this a thousand times where they used to pee on wounds to heal them.
So pretty tight. I stick to it to this day whenever I pee in the shower.
I think Brandywine was a pretty big L for us. I could be wrong.
I didn't pay attention to that part. It was a revolution.
It was a big L. Was it really? I think we took some L's out there.
That sucks. Yeah.
Look that up, man. Yeah, let's.
We won the battle of Brandy Wine. What were the cats? I don't think they didn't have like.
I think Marquis de Lafayette was there. Yeah.
It's the bro. Hamilton? Yeah.
Fuck. I didn't know I i lived on losing i think monkey de lafayette got hit there did he got wounded there i don't know why i assumed i was on winning territory every time i was the brain i mean it's philly dude obviously eventually we won lafayette got wounded dang yeah right in brandywine yeah i was right by my house and when we were living in westchester i would just really yeah there was a couple battlefields right there that's great went down to fucking valley forge walked around it was great that's fucking going to the house you're like and they're like this is where washington lived you're like fuck yeah it's crazy the place you brought uh you brought us to that battlefield was awesome antitam yeah that was very We're sick.
Antietam's awesome. Gettysburg The place you brought us to, that battlefield, was awesome.

Antietam?

Yeah, that was very sick.

Antietam's awesome.

Gettysburg's awesome.

We got to get back.

We got to get back. There's nothing down here.

The fucking south sucks.

I know.

I don't have any history other than fucking Indian massacres.

Yeah.

A lot of those.

A lot of those.

A lot of those.

You go, well, this isn't fun.

My guys were doing the...

Yeah, the Alamo's sick.

Yeah, that was cool.

I've been there.

That's cool. Was Davey Crockett really at the Alamo? I think so.
isn't fun. Yeah, the Alamo's sick.
Yeah, that was cool. I've been there.
That's cool.

Was Davey Crockett really at the Alamo?

I think so.

Sick.

Tight.

Yeah.

Daniel Boone's also fucking tight.

Daniel Boone does rule.

That guy fucking rules.

Yeah, but it sucks.

I guess if you looked into it, those guys did.

New Orleans would be fun to go to the Battle of New Orleans.

Yeah, that was key.

That'd be sick.

True, that was key.

You ever look into that?

That's fun.

We beat the fuck out of the British. Yeah.
Everyone tries to act like the U.S. lost the War of 1812, dude.
We fucking went nuts on them. Yeah, who the fuck's talking shit like that? Well, they burnt down the White House.
That was a pretty big win. Who cares? Yeah, fuck it.
We don't even like it. Wasn't that when it was in Philadelphia? No, it was in Washington.
Oh, fuck. That sucks.
Yeah. It was the Canadians, dude.
The British Canadians marched right down. They burned down the fucking White House? They burned down our fucking shit.
The fuck? Yeah. Is Canada chilled out yet or are they still spazzing? Are they still crying? Yeah.
I don't know. They finally got some attention, dude.
They were so excited. They were so excited.
They have a new president, right? Yeah. Okay, well, yeah, good for them.
Good for them.

All right.

Well, motherfucking hour.

See you later on the Patreon.

Bye.