Ep 566 - Destroying The Ark

Wow, wow, wow, Wes.

You, what the fuck is up, dude?

Hey, what the hell?

This is crazy.

What's going on?

Chilling, dude.

Just chilling.

Nothing.

What is all this shit?

It's just absolutely just.

What the fuck is this shit?

This is my stuff.

This is my setup.

This is the boat.

While you were gone, I had to construct the ark.

This is the arc.

It's the ark, dude.

Shit.

This was the arc.

What are you doing down there?

Dude, the podcast flooded.

The podcast's flooded, funny, dude.

Yank it, bro.

That's what he wants to do to his penis right now so bad, but he can't.

Have you guys discussed your testicles?

Would you like to keep your medicals?

Yeah, Sean, can you talk about it?

You should raise awareness about your swollen epididymis.

Do you think it has to do with your giant dick banging against it?

I don't know.

Obviously, he does have a giant dick.

But

we can put to rest the idea that TSA scans you if you have a big dick because I got scanned.

What?

Full tenis.

So far, the only people I know that happened to are you, Nate, and Shannon Sharp.

So

I've seen Guard Dog get it, and Nate and Sean both have world-renowned giant hogs.

It could have just been your aura.

Your aura might have been crazy that day.

It is uncomfortable.

I've never had the guy do the back of the hands thing, and they really do it.

Yo, they really stroke you.

What?

It's fucked up.

Yeah, I think that would have hurt if it happened to me right now.

My testicles are so swollen and tender.

That would have sucked.

Whenever I go, when I have TSA pre-checks, I don't have to go through the scanner, but I would walk out of the scanner and they go, have a good day, ma'am.

And I'd be like, what the fuck?

We all just saw your pussy.

We saw your pussy in the scanner.

The ultrasound was nice, though.

You had that right.

I've had a test test.

You're an ultrasound once, yeah.

Warm jelly?

It's warm jelly.

I was a nurse, and I was joking the whole time, and he did not like it.

And he was wearing a Steelers bandana.

I remember that.

That was funny.

He was wearing a Steelers bandana bandana and rubbing gel on my nuts.

Oh, I was like, Steelers look good this year, right?

He was like, just be quiet during the procedure.

Are you serious?

Yeah, he was like, he was one-word dismissive answers.

That sucks.

Yeah.

But he warmed the jelly for you.

That's kind of weird.

It wasn't, it wasn't warm.

Oh, you got cold jelly?

Yeah, I got regular jelly.

He had a voluntary warm and sensual, and there was low lighting and candles lit and nice music.

I was in the little basement of a hospital.

It turns out nothing.

Mine was just at an ultrasound place, like a CAT scan ultrasound place.

It was just you and Brady Lady?

Like a baby place.

That's why it was.

Yeah, baby.

Yeah.

I kept my shit.

It wasn't for your balls.

It was for women.

Well, they did it on my balls.

Turns out they're twins.

How are your balls?

They're okay.

I am suffering from epididymitis.

I'm suffering from epididymitis right now, which seems to be more common than I thought it was.

But just not a lot of people are vocal about it.

So I'm happy to be vocal about it and say that I'm struggling with it right now, raise awareness for epididymitis.

I'm almost done with my antibiotics and it still kind of hurts.

So that makes me nervous.

Shit.

That sucks.

I tried to be sexually active this morning and the pain came right back.

Wait, but you said you tried.

How far did you get in the process?

I was, well, I don't want to be graphic.

Did you have a boner?

I had a boner and I started.

outer course.

No, intercourse.

Did you start with petting with your partner?

There was some heavy petting, and then

I was with my partner.

You were aroused during heavy petting.

Yes.

So then I was like, hell, hell, you know, I feel pretty good now.

Why not just give it a shot?

You're like, oh.

I was like, oh, we have to stop right now.

So you made sure she was on board for sexual penetration.

You're like, hey, I'm going to choose you.

Are you okay with this?

Yes, I made sure everything was okay.

Those fucking podiums.

Just looking over at you with that dumbass shit.

I'm going to penetrate you.

I mean, it's truly

definitely when the Roman Empire was like falling apart and they would like throw a giant festivist just to keep it together.

It was trot out some bullshit.

Dude, I was reading about the, well, I'm glad you're.

But do you want to continue?

What happened, though?

So you were in your.

Oh, well, we don't have to continue.

I want to hear

Tyrion.

You were in the throes of petting.

I was in the throes of petting and then turned to passion.

And then turned

penetration.

It's nice when petting leads to passion.

It usually does, but when it doesn't, and all you did was pet a little, then you get angry.

Dastrus.

That's how I am right.

I'm very charged up right now because

I engaged in a sexual act, but I didn't get to finish the sexual act.

So now I'm sort of just angry and in pain in my test score.

Dude, I'm telling you,

I'm sorry.

That's TMI.

Have you taken to the bottle at all?

No, because the probiotics, I'm a week off of booze right now, which is

a pretty long time for me.

Yeah, it's good.

Yeah.

So that feels good.

I just did a week and it sucked.

Why?

Oh, you got it.

You did like two weeks.

I hated it.

Really?

That whole time you were gone, you didn't drink?

I got one night in.

And you hated it?

I hated not drinking it.

Yeah, it's fucking boring, dude.

You wake up at 6 a.m.

and work.

You feel so good.

Not when you're working.

I was just so tired.

I was just going home and sleeping.

True.

You're like, I should be hungover.

I'm going to be suffering.

Yeah, if I'm going to, yeah.

Kind of is pointless suffering if you're not hungover.

You're like, I could just be hungover and feel bad.

I did have probably the best break in the sobriety, though.

I worked for a week.

And then the one night I had off, I went to a bar in Atlanta.

I was sitting upstairs and they were like, hey, Charles Barkley just got here.

And I was like, I'm going to have to, I got to say hi to him before we leave.

Yeah.

It's like, there's no way he knows who I am.

Got down.

He was like, hooray, tires.

I was like, let's go.

And then me and Charles Barkley got fucked up.

That's so

for like two hours.

It was awesome.

That's awesome.

That's the drinking guys rewarding you.

It was honestly, yeah, it was really the blue night gifted.

The blue night laid him up.

Yeah.

It was,

I was thinking about it.

If I could pick one person to go get fucked up with, it probably would have been Charles Barkley.

For sure.

Is he as awesome as he seems?

He was the fucking man.

One of my friends

did electrical work in his house like years ago and was like, he's the coolest dude.

Yeah, he's the coolest dude.

Yeah.

He was like, let's talk about race.

I I was like, Let's fucking do it, Chuck.

So sick.

Oh, really?

Let's do it.

Do anything you want, Chuck.

Turns out me and him agree on a lot.

Chuck.

That's awesome.

So that was a good, yeah, that was a good night.

Hell yeah.

But you penetrated a little this morning.

And I had to give up because it just hurt so bad.

And I felt so much shame.

I kind of

felt like less of a man because I couldn't continue.

That happens.

I felt like

That happens.

It was the Blue Knight give us the Blue Night take it away.

Yeah, you feel less of a man.

It's the worst one.

The girl's like, that's okay.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, that's kind of...

Well, dude.

It was your fault.

So I got out of ice pack.

I was like, I had to stop and then get an ice pack and sit by myself.

Did she get to nurse you or did you have to nurse yourself?

I didn't want to be nursed.

I was kind of just ashamed of myself.

So I just sat on the couch and iced my Tesla.

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A sober losing a boner has got to be tough.

I didn't even lose the boner.

It was just my nut hurt really bad.

You're just icing your giant dick on the couch.

I just had to ice my giant hard dick on the couch.

No, no, no.

It wasn't hard at the time with the icing.

Oh, it's just hot, giant, soft six.

Fucking pieces of shit.

That's not what I'm saying.

Ice my languorous genitals.

I'm embarrassed, but I am happy.

I don't have to suffer in silence anymore.

True.

I'm happy to get the word out.

You must feel better.

I'm 11 days in.

I mean, people don't want to hear about this anymore.

I'm 11 days in right now, just rocking.

Rocking.

I'd rather chop it off.

11 days without a comment.

Nice.

Just rocking.

There's nobody doing it.

I don't give a fuck.

I was talking to my uh that sucks.

I dude, I saw it flip switched.

I'm like, every day.

Do you like it?

Yeah, I'm just charged up and I know it's coming.

So it's like, it'll come eventually.

I just don't, I've just like unburdened myself from thinking about it all the time.

But my, uh, I won't say who this was, but I have an ally in my, you know, kind of of my chastity.

And it was not a full chastity.

But he was saying if he sees an attractive woman, he just stops and goes, thank you for the energy boost.

And he just keeps it moving.

Good lord.

I know exactly who you're talking about.

Yeah, I mean, if I had to guess, including my brother.

No, I thought it was Egan.

There's a lot of stuff.

Yeah, there's a lot of weird fucking guys.

True.

There's a lot of weird MZs.

You say Egan?

Egan.

Oh, I was going to say Egot.

Egan.

Well, we already talked about this.

This is his business, not mine.

Yeah, Egan's on like 100 days again.

Yeah, he's easy.

I hope he's not lying, though.

If it turns out he's not, actually, it sounds like I thought about that.

If you lie about this go to confession every week, it could be, I'm lying about no fab.

I'm masturbating again.

If you lie about no fab, that's how you end up like smoking meth with little boys at a youth camp.

Once you start lying about sex stuff, it just, I feel like the wheels come off.

Yeah.

Yeah, if you, you got to give up lying about sex stuff probably freshman year at high school.

Yeah.

That's when everyone's at their peak.

I fucking titty fucked her.

I had one friend that lied about titty fucking a girl.

That's awesome.

What a great lie.

Yeah,

we didn't have sex, but I titty fucked her.

I've always admired those guys.

And we were all friends.

We were like, did he titty fuck you?

She's like, no.

That's such a sick move.

It never occurred to me to just lie about having sex with a lady.

It's never my move.

I never...

I remember I used to lie about saying, there was a stretch of time where everybody I grew up with would be like, nah, I don't masturbate.

That's weird.

Really?

Yeah.

And like, my boys were on some other shit.

Well, no, this is like,

yeah, we were on some other shit.

I was too eventually, but there was like about a year when we were like 13 or 12 where everyone was like, nah, that's that's lame or gay or whatever.

We don't do that.

That's a great squad.

But then we all started doing it.

Was it the wrestling buddies?

No, just buddies' buddies.

Just sodomizing wrestling buddies.

The wrestling buddies.

I thought you were talking about the pillow wrestling buddies.

Oh, no.

I took a knife as my wrestling buddy once for what

stabbed Hulk Hogan.

What

I hung a teddy bear from a tree.

Yeah, my parents were very uh they're upset.

Yeah, what were you doing in your room last night?

I murdered Hulk Hogan.

Yeah, I ripped the stuffing out of a teddy bear and hung it from a tree when I was little.

And my parents are similarly like, What the fuck are you doing?

I'm like, It's funny.

They're like, That's not funny at all.

It's disturbing.

I was like, Whatever.

I was done with it.

They shouldn't have given me a pocket knife.

True.

You know, you poked up.

It was your cell.

You poked off your celly, did you?

Hit Hulk Hogan with a fucking hawk.

Yeah, he kept taking bottom bunk, dude.

I was getting bitched by him, just me and Mana.

No, you go up top.

Fine.

You're getting off player wrestling.

Fuck, fuck, Hulk.

One night I said, enough is enough.

Took a Swiss army to yell up.

You're one of Hulk's boys, dude, in the cell.

Yeah, he hit a whole stable.

My dad, my dad, you get my dad.

He was like a Chucky dog, except it was, he would rape me my dad.

Your dad was shot calling on the yard.

He was chocolate.

I was shot call.

He was tough.

There's no way Hulk.

Yeah, me and my dad were Aryan brothers.

Well, Hulk might be too.

Hulk of Mania, yeah, he's definitely an Aryan brother.

He's an Aryan brother.

Hell yeah, brother.

That'd be nice watching like WWE with like the Aryan Brotherhood and like a white wrestler wins.

They're probably like they're probably going nuts during this

DX versus nation of domination days.

I know I was.

I know that got me.

That stirred some racism.

I didn't know I had yet.

DX all did blackface.

I was like, yeah, that's all good.

Dad, what is this feeling?

When I see the nation, I get so upset.

You're growing up, son.

Let's take a walk, son.

Oh, fudge.

Yeah, that's the birds and the bees combo.

True.

They're different.

This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.

Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet?

Yeah, every time?

Yeah, every single time.

Yeah, I did it all week.

It was a fucking disaster.

I left a, I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning.

Yeah.

It was crazy.

There's nothing wrong with that.

No, it was a paint job.

Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel?

How much extra?

Do you ever need it?

Pretty much an extra pair per day.

Yeah, I always bring extra underwear.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not because I'm fucking shitting my pants constantly.

I just used to fucking what the fuck are you guys getting at here?

Do you wipe standing or sitting down?

Does it make a difference?

What is going on, dude?

How horny are these people?

What do they want to know?

There's got to be something about standing up, though.

Like, I'm a stand-up wiper, honestly.

Sitting down, I just smears everything.

I don't know.

I can't do it.

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Nice.

Dude,

I was reading about the Aztecs last night before I went to bed, and

they had a game.

You know, like all those places, all those places had like a sacred game they would play?

I've heard of it mentioned.

I never, I like looked it up.

I was like, what exactly was it?

They used to play kind of those like soccer mixed with basketball where it was like a human head.

No, no, no.

All right, that's what I heard too.

No, they would play with actually a giant rubber.

It was a 15-pound bouncy ball.

the size of a soccer ball and you couldn't touch it with your hands or feet and they would just they would put it in play they would throw it down like it was like a stone courtyard with like stone walls and you had to just like run and just fucking hit it with your hip or your elbows or your shoulders and dudes would like break their bones on it and you had to try to like bounce it with without using your hands or feet get it through a net that was or a hoop 10 feet above yeah i think i might have seen like a modern version of this on instagram or something that's fucking insane i think they're still doing

yeah you just you hip the ball shoulder it and then you can hit like little like targets on the wall but then if like the losers would a lot of times get sacrificed if it was like an important game

but it was fucking nuts.

That is nuts.

Cortez was none too pleased.

He saw it.

What the fuck?

Shut this down.

What the fuck?

It's time for you guys to play football.

Well, it was funny because I was reading it, it was like they're like, dude, the Aztecs were arguably just as advanced as the Spaniards.

Like, the city.

I think we found out.

Yeah.

Well, they were too darn nice.

That's what keeps happening.

All these people.

They were too darn.

Everybody that's ever been conquered was just too nice.

Too nice, man.

They were too nice.

They're crazy.

Even the, who are the people on Hispaniola?

It's now the Dominican republic and haiti but they were like the taoni or something and they apparently christopher columbus rolled up on him and he goes he wrote in his own journals yeah he's like these guys make good slaves they're docile yeah they're well he's like they're just so nice he called them naked basically naked and afraid he goes they're so naked and timid he's like they're naked and timid he's like i'm definitely gonna smack and he like they helped him build a settlement and then something happened it got fucked up and he came back and literally destroyed the entire population.

Damn.

Although a lot of disease kind of was like 80% of them.

But yeah, that sucks, bro, to be like at the zenith of your setup and just you're literally slaves for the Spaniards.

Worse, they were probably like, dude, when is fucking 1400 going to be over, dude?

1492 sucks.

1492 sucks.

I can't wait for 1493.

1493 is going to be my year.

Population has decreased.

Our population has decreased by 80%.

I can't wait for this year to be over.

I'm so done with 1492.

It must have been, yeah, it was a tough time yeah dude especially when you find out later on they called you naked and timid i'd be so mad i'd be like dude they're all naked and fucking scared like bitches i mean that would piss me off

all fucking naked and afraid they were naked they were literally naked and afraid they were at the show yeah would have been scary yeah but it was i was naked and afraid this morning when my testicles started

you're all timid on the calf

nothing worse than being naked and afraid yeah every night when i go to bed yeah you're

You're naked sleeper.

I am a naked sleeper.

I don't know how you do that.

That's how you scare off criminals.

True, true.

With an assault rifle.

Oh, my God.

The Eagles' assault rifle with a tiny penis.

Get out of here.

Yeah, I would be terrified.

I'd rather just five dogs attached.

That's a giant naked man.

What's your tiny penis?

If I saw his favorite team on the gun, I'd be like, I'm dead.

This guy's going to kill me.

Yeah.

I used to be a naked sleeper.

Now I have to wear like at least boxer shorts now because my kids just.

You got to get up.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I got to get up with them.

And they just, now they just fucking crawl on them.

They can climb over their gates now.

So last, I literally woke up last night, like two in the morning.

Chloe was in my bed.

I'm like, where the fuck did you get her?

Crawled out of her gates.

She climbed.

She showed me how she did it this morning.

She climbs up, crawls over.

And I have like a, you know, like the decorative pillows on the bed?

Yeah.

I always swipe those off.

So it's like a minefield of pillows.

She navigated it all somehow of just like walking through the pitch black over pillows, climbed over me, didn't wake me up.

I know it's played out, but the decorative pillows, dude.

Yeah.

Big pillow.

God our bitches with that.

Yeah.

Tricked all the bitches.

It's crazy, dude.

That's the dumbest thing possible.

It's so fucking annoying, dude.

You can't even sleep with them.

Have you tried to sleep with one like on your chest?

They're uncomfortable.

It's the most uncomfortable.

It's the most rough, jagged-edged pillow.

Tassels on the side.

They're dumbest.

Jagged edge.

True.

I hate jagged edge right now.

I fucking, they're so annoying, especially like in the mornings where my babe will be like, help me make the bed.

We got to stack eight pillows.

Don't put them like that.

I'm like, dude, I'm going to fucking burn the house down with our whole family.

You fucking telling me how to arrange these pillows.

Decorative blankets are rough, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We got some scratchy ass blankets.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're like three feet wide.

They're just scarves.

They put them on the back of your couch.

You're laying down.

You go, oh, there's a blanket right there.

Never mind.

Yeah.

I am going to need women to kind of get it together.

Stop getting tricked by fucking marketing and shit.

My wife reads her marketing emails.

I'm like, you know, you can separate your inbox, dude.

Oh, like the deals and shit.

The deals.

Adidas, 10% off.

Yes.

I watched her do it.

I'm like, bro.

That's terrifying.

You can separate your inbox.

She's like, no, no, it's just, I'm like, I want to see what the deals are.

I'm like, dude, I'll see her in bed.

I'm like, stop looking at that stuff.

Holy shit.

She reads her whole inbox.

That's crazy.

That's who those are for, then.

I've always wondered.

I was like, why do they do this?

It's girls.

Girls, they hear the deals, bro, and it just triggers something for them.

It's like they're forgers, bro.

We're out for the hunt, they're forgers.

It's true.

And then they, it just gets like a little forger.

Like, there's berries in the pasture, and they go and fucking collect them.

And

yeah, that shit's been that shit fucking freaks me out when I see her like 10% off now, and I'm like, bro,

shut it down, shut down the spam.

Yeah, it's it's 100% off for you everywhere.

So true, yeah.

So stop worrying about deals.

All of a sudden, you're frugal with your money.

We've spent $900 on pillows that no one's put their head on once.

Yes, a travesty.

And then they'll see, that's the problem.

They'll see other pointless pillows and be like, those are nice.

Where did you get those from?

Guys, I've moved these things around a lot.

You know, they've taken a lot of the back and forth.

It's the motion of the potion.

Dirty, I should have destroyed the podium.

I should have not told you.

I'd be like, yeah, I'll do the podios.

You you got here.

They were all smashed.

Who did this?

Ending by just putting your fist through that painting, would be

sure there's no glass, no glass.

That'd be so sad.

What do you think of that painting?

I've discussed this a couple times, man.

I mean,

it looks like he's kind of

selling him on this lady.

I think someone's discovering them, it looks like.

She might be foraging, too.

She might be getting a 10%.

I'll tell you what that lady's doing right now.

She's being a fucking whore.

Definitely.

Look, they even moved the picnic basket out of the way.

What do you think they're going to do right there?

That picnic blanket's all bunched up, bro.

True.

Yeah, it could be dung.

She could be washing off back there.

Oh, that's right.

Looks like there's a burning canoe in the background, too.

What's up with that burning canoe?

It's not burning.

It kind of looks like it's burning.

It's got all the ships, dude.

True.

They got burning boats.

The women are here on the island.

You guys aren't going anywhere.

Trying to get those women naked and timid, dude.

I think that water is something from her.

You think she's gushing, bro?

You think she's stopping?

Let me know.

I think that there's been a lot of interpretations.

I think that lady's gushing creates a pop.

1920.

You're the first guy to go.

I think that creek is coming out of the woman.

Congratulations, you're the dumbest guy who's ever seen this painting.

Dogs have looked at that painting and understood that that was a body of art.

It's just Jesus.

I would like to take you to an art museum.

Just have you look at paintings.

That would be nice.

See LeMaire's interpretation of art?

True.

Yeah, this thing, what do you think about that?

I think it's dumb as hell.

You don't like that?

No, I don't like the dumbest.

What do you think about the one behind you?

I like these two the most.

I like that the most.

Yeah, I think it's sick as hell.

That one's my favorite.

That one's my second favorite.

I usually would put that behind guests.

It was just nice to have like the rainbow imagery is confusing, though.

Especially in this day and age, harboring what's to come.

Never mind that.

Resurrection, what the fuck are you talking about?

Never mind.

Storm is past.

Sean, first of all, that's the most heterosexual rainbow you'll ever see.

It's basically gray.

True.

You're trying to hit me with that stuff.

Forgive me.

It's okay.

Oh, dude.

I'm talking out of my boss.

Obviously, I will.

Sean.

I'm not going to forgive you right now.

Thank you.

People forget, man.

Thou shalt not judge is also a commandment.

That's right.

Not judging by saying that.

I'm just saying.

I've been on Substack lately.

Dude, I'm trying to replace Substack with any social media scrolling, and I pretty much have done it.

It's so tight.

Substack?

Just so good.

Random people.

Random people, articles.

I read a lady.

I didn't read the whole thing.

I read the paragraph and just kind of started laughing.

Just longer Twitter posts.

Yes.

Like, well, like, proofread, but it was a lady being like, basically, like, why is everyone telling us to not want so much?

Oh, if I want to be touched, if I want to eat.

And it's just like, dude, okay.

Like, sick take.

It's like, I want to have sex more and eat more.

It's like, obviously, dude, everybody, it's everybody in the world.

But clearly, if you follow that logic, you know.

Maybe a fat slut.

I want to be a fat.

Literally.

Like, why is it so wrong?

You're a big fat horse.

Literally, that'd be you.

That'd be you.

You'd be naked in the woods, surrounded by food, being like, maybe this was a bit.

It was just a funny take to be like, Everyone's holding women back, telling us we shouldn't want so much.

It's like, yeah, that's we've been talking about this for thousands of years.

Yeah, what are you talking about?

Thank God we're doing that.

If we weren't doing that, it'd be a disaster.

Yeah, every dude wasn't like, Don't be a slut.

Why are you wearing that?

Every girl would be in a, they'd be dressed like Kanye's wife.

Like, why?

This is what I like to wear.

I actually,

I think the women, and again, I'm not going to talk about like porn PMO or whatever, but I think the garb now, because I've been going to this one gym in Austin and it's like,

dude, it's unbelievable.

Like front and back wedgies, a spandex that cut the butt cheeks, as small as a sports property.

Yeah, that new spandex is crazy.

It's got like a thong.

Yes, literally built into it.

And it's like, I do think it's like, so the question would be, why, why do women, like, why did it, why is it escalating to the point where it's like, it's almost Bianca Sensori or whatever, Brianke Sensori.

That's not going to be that crazy.

Yeah.

If it doesn't, you know, if the trend doesn't reverse.

And it is.

It's Goonbrain.

My mom better not start.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my mom's the Tianca Sensori.

Oh, my God.

It's Goonbrain, dude.

I think they need to stimulate past the Goonbrain, fucking the hardening callousness of, you know.

You're going to stick with coach's polos and gym shorts.

Well, obviously, you're...

I've been rocking this coach's polo for 15 years.

Yeah, you're doing the right thing.

Do you understand that?

Imagine if you started hot dogging out here, dude.

If you're dressing like Bruno, there was a guy in the gym dressed like Bruno, dude.

He had for real a Leotard.

That was the one fucking tank top I bought.

Oh, yeah.

Well, he did a Leotardo.

He had my nipples sticking out.

The front was thin.

My dude's hit sticking out.

I was like, I'm never going to wear this.

The rock designed it.

I had a tank top yesterday.

I was like, the rocks are pretty cool.

DJ.

My nipples are.

I got called out yesterday for my nipples popping out of a tank.

My daughter is, for some reason, like really monitor if my nipples pop it.

Like, dad, your nipples showing.

I'm like, all right, bro.

I was in the emergency room last night because Maya, it wasn't that serious.

She got a giant splinter and we couldn't get it out of her foot.

And it was like a fucking exorcism.

She was just like, ah.

So I was like, we'll take the ER and they'll like numb it and whatever.

And

I was just at the thing.

They were just like the whole time.

Like, Dad, your nipples are out.

I'm like, all right, I'm talking to the doctor.

You guys shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up right now.

Trying to get out of here.

We had pizza on the way.

Still had to adjust it.

Oh, dude.

Yeah, all right.

I literally would put my nipple away and be like, you guys stretch my shirts out that's why my nipples stick out so i'll put your arm down my shirt

yeah it was a nightmare we were leaving we left the pool we got rained out of the pool went to the playground they're like we need shoes i'm like yes i don't need shoes we're on mulch who cares and just caught a mulch to the foot dude it was a splinter was like for real it wasn't even a splinter it was a chunk of wood was in her foot and you know we like held her down tried to get her out and the guy actually took a um like a needle And he dug it.

We tried tweezers.

It didn't work.

So we had to use a syringe and like dig in and pop it up.

And it was

they have cream now.

They can numb like the spot before they give you like a shot.

Basically, they put a patch on you.

I was like, bro, give me that.

I'm going to start putting that on myself when I get needles.

I hate what

they have.

I'm like, why don't you guys give this to everybody?

Dude, that's.

When are you getting needles?

You're trying to say I'm all Royce, bro.

Just wondering.

Dude, no, I'm not saying it.

I got my blood drawn.

I got my blood drug.

I'm not juiced at all.

What are you talking about?

Man, went out of psycho for this event.

You're wearing a shark tooth necklace, dude.

Obviously,

That's the telltale sign of being juiced up.

Step one, shark tooth.

I promise I'm not a living.

You've got to cut on your head.

You're the liver king, dude.

Yeah, you're fucked up.

Sorry, I've been training.

I've just been training on a shark.

We're going to bulkhand it with love.

We're going to mosh pit in the middle.

I've watched every single video.

I've watched 20 hours of the liver king.

I wanted to get him on.

Dude, you called it.

I was like, we got to get him on.

You're like, I don't know, man.

He's a lose cannon.

Yeah, he is.

He's a loose cannon.

You know, I don't want him coming for, I don't want him coming for our families next.

That'd be terrible.

He's not going to kill you, though.

You've got a family.

He wouldn't take you away from them.

Oh, is that what his defense was?

Yeah.

He's not trying to kill anyone.

That checks out then.

No, kids.

He wants to deliver a box to the comedy club.

That's what he got arrested for.

They're like, it's a bomb.

No, I, because I was wondering, too.

I'm like, all right, he's making weird videos.

Why did they arrest him?

There was one where it was like very dark and threatening.

He crawls up and and down the hallway, the four seasons being like, Joe Rogan.

But no, there was one like something about, like, I can't wait to meet your family.

Or something.

It was like open-ended and very threatening.

I was like, okay, never mind.

I can see why they fucking.

I would not want that guy on my ass.

If that guy was on my fucking ass, I would have- That'd be a tough one to have on your ass.

It's the toughest.

So we're like, who the fuck else would be Joe Rogan?

Just have him on your ass.

It's cocked to damn.

Joe Borgan was like, I'm going to fucking get your ass.

You'd be like, oh, shit.

That's true.

That would suck.

Joe Borgen was doing

I mean, I will say I was disappointed because the jiu-jitsu match would have been so tight.

Dog on him.

Yeah.

It would have been crazy.

It would have been sad, but that's what Liberking was kind of asking for.

He was mad dogging.

He was like, break every bone in my body.

He wanted a Warrior's death.

He did.

He wanted a Warrior's death.

I kind of, I don't know, it was so funny to be like, beat my ass for my fucking family.

I need this.

Joe Burger.

Borgen.

The pay-per-view would have been crazy, bro.

Pay-per-view would have went.

Joe Rogan versus the Holy Trinity, Liver King 3.0.

Is that what he is?

You got to watch all of them.

It's fucking incredible.

He says the same thing over and over again on repeat.

What does he say?

Pound,

pound and lock it down.

I don't know.

Jillie knows everything.

He's just repeating it over and over again.

At one point, he does a Instagram live with a jug of coffee and an enema.

Yeah, I saw that.

Tube going from the jug into his ass, and he's in the shower, like,

oh, just hanging out.

Like, bro,

that was the only one I saw.

He was doing a coffee enema.

Yeah, he does a coffee enema.

I did one of those myself indirectly today.

No, I just drank a ton of coffee, went for a walk, and just fucking blasted.

I haven't taken creatine in a week, bro.

It was the creatine was pumping me up.

I've been on the teen pretty hard, Paul.

I sure got it.

I think you guys are just fucking sigh off of me.

I'm not that jacked, bro.

You're pretty jacked.

I'm saying my

men's warehouse pictures, right?

Yes, they are.

So when I'm hosting the SBs, you got to do like promo for it.

They put me in a tuxedo, and I'm like.

I can't do a photo shoot.

It's the most uncomfortable.

So uncomfortable.

They try to make you do stuff.

They get you at the mothership.

They'll be like, just lean against the wall.

I've escaped all mothership photos.

Good.

That's a good movie the man came up with the best pose when they do that what do you do like this

yeah

please don't ever take my picture yeah cool photos he does he's nice about it that's cool he doesn't do it yeah I don't mind a regular shot just like hey smile candid but they're like we're not

too much yeah it's the same fucking five people every single day you go hey look at tony again

he took a fucking tough one the other day what happened they hit him with the gayest photo possible.

God damn it.

Where'd they get him with?

He was like

right behind the stage, but he had like a hand on a ramming.

No,

it was a tough one.

Why'd they put that up?

Because I think, is it Assan who does it?

Yeah.

There's a little hateful fuck.

Somebody running it.

He finds wherever you look fattest.

And he posts it.

God, Tommy.

Tommy.

He's got several of Tommy where Tommy looks like he's 250 pounds.

That's crazy.

Got you guys fighting.

I think it got you pretty bad.

hitting you guys with the fat italian filter

yes with the pizza man filter when you look at the top he looks like the guy that holds up the pizza box

yeah it was they got us they got to suss that out there was some

i don't want to fuck with anybody's money because somebody's making money on uh

taking these pictures every day

it is nice having the photograph i will say sometimes you get in the future oh yeah with pictures on stage yeah i use those for the flyers and shit oh yeah pro photos man you can just rip those things and you know,

it is useful to have.

As well as the video recordings, but

you do that too.

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Hey guys.

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It's in Ocean Casino, Atlantic City, August 18th.

The tickets are on my website, mattmcusker.com.

Could be the biggest show of my life.

And I'll be in the area at the beach for that week, which will be pretty sick and brigantine.

But, guys, please come to the show.

This is going to be a huge one.

And, you know, if I fail to sell tickets,

I'll be pretty bucked up.

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Ocean Casino, August 18th.

It'll be a good time.

No, it's not 16th.

It's 18th, man.

Check your phone, fool.

What is it?

August 16th.

Is it the 16th?

Yeah.

It's August 16th.

Motherfucker.

Now I'm finna break her off just for being a good girl.

Guys, thank you so much.

Please, August 16th.

My bad.

It is August 16th, not August 18th.

Thank you, guys.

Atlantic City, please come.

I'm going to try to do a bunch of new stuff.

Come on.

How's your...

How's your taping?

Dude, it was so sick.

Yeah.

Such a pressure cooker, man.

I brought my whole family with me like a fucking dumbass.

Insane move.

Crazy fucking move, dude.

Brought wife, obviously, you know, I'm not going to get into detail, but it was like the unfun half of the month going on there.

We brought a babysitter with us

times two.

So I'm just rocking with, my wife got sick right away.

So I had a sick wife.

It was hell.

Obviously.

It was crazy.

Yeah, she was sick.

My wife has.

It was a huge weekend for me.

Oh, I'm sick and mean.

Oh, all right.

This is the most important weekend of my life.

Well, my stomach hurts.

She had like 101 fever, dude.

She had a 101, just rock in there, just like, oh, good luck.

I'm like, Jesus, that's right.

Yeah, it was.

But she champed it.

Then she champed it and came out to the one show.

She champed it too.

You were so mellow the whole time.

Bro, I had

to be able to get it.

I was more nervous than you were.

I was going to freak out.

Yeah.

I was freaking out leading up to it.

I told you when I freaked out.

Dude, I had fucking three days before.

It was a normal freak out.

It was.

Yeah, true.

It was.

Actually, I'm happy I kind of did.

I actually connected to some sort of normal set of feelings, but I was like, just sitting there in my office being like, should I switch this to the

third person from the first person?

It's a book I've been trying to write for like nine years.

Oh, dude, that'd be sick going third person.

And then he saw his wife.

I just had like, and I was like, wait a second, I have to prepare for this special.

And I haven't performed in three weeks.

And I was like, what the fuck am I doing?

And I just literally walked to Nando's and just got wings.

And I knew I wasn't hungry.

I was like, I'm eating for comfort.

You're following my path.

I literally did.

You're following my absolute path.

I literally did.

It was completely.

I got to change everything.

You know what?

I'm going to eat wings.

I'm good.

I texted you right away.

I was like, it made me laugh.

I sat on a thing and I was like, this is exactly what he does.

And I just, I was eating them outside in the heat and just sweat stinging my eyes.

And I just, as I got more full, I was like, I feel okay now.

Yeah, you got to get sick and hot.

And then you go, I'm ready to go on stage.

And I felt much better.

And then I like, you know, got it together, but I was still nervous because I had to do shows at the Hollywood Improv.

Of course, we're like,

they're going to bring, there's like a small room.

Like, we're going to bring a bunch of people out from the industry.

I'm like, ah, great.

Thanks.

Great.

Having, you know,

so then I at least got to perform at the mothership.

I ran it.

I was like, all right, I still remember it.

That's good.

Did the improv.

It was cool.

And then, but yeah, then the taping, dude, I was like.

First night, I was like freaking and I kept flubbing lines.

Like the sets were fine.

I kept flubbing lines.

You probably weren't flubbing them.

I was flubbing them, bro.

It's all in your head.

That's what they said slight it was slight up and in your head you're like

at one point at one point i literally it was kind of funny i was like i

start over

and it was fun but the uh one i did flub so bad a couple i did and then uh but the second but then so the first night they were like yeah it's good we got it and i was like i didn't love any of the sets i was like fine enough and then the second night leading up to it i literally cracked my head on a camera dude and you know what's you know what was funny though because i was like going in the second night the whole thing especially when it's like i don't know if you ever dealt with this when like you see the whole whole camera set up and you're like, all these people are here to film me.

You're like, I'm going to fucking blow it, dude.

Yeah.

I was like, just bugging out.

I was like, I'm in it over my head.

Fuck.

But then when I hit my head, they were like just trying to fix it.

It was like literally a bleeding wound.

So they had to put liquid bandage on it and just cover it with makeup to try for comfort.

You should have kept the blood.

You could just occasionally have an edit where your face

just comes right in the lips.

That would have been kind of sick.

That would have been awesome.

Especially because they would kind of play with the the intro, too.

The one thing I want to do is put myself in the audience.

That would be nasty.

Like over and over again, laughing

just in different outfits.

Why don't you do that?

That's awesome.

Maybe, maybe this one.

If this one's not good, I'll do something weird.

AI the audience.

Just you.

I'll do something goofy.

Drew, that's what I had to do.

No, that's not true, though.

Dude, the uh, so then I'm like, the second night is like, all right, you have to nail it this night, like all this, you know, all this fucking hoopla to film it.

And then I was sitting backstage and just the fact that I'd cracked my head on a camera was like weirdly reassuring.

I was like, dude, you're literally a dumbass.

Like, stop worrying about anything.

You're a fucking,

just a dumb moron who cracks your head the day before a spell.

I was like doing jumps too.

They were like, just for like Alden it takes, I was like jumping off the stage, clearing, clearing, trying to like clear people in a table.

I was how high I wanted to do that.

Those are really big jumps.

Fucking on rules.

You're doing crazy.

You jumped so far, too.

Bro, I literally

fucking broke.

They were like,

you got to stop.

You get a twisted ankle and you ruined the whole thing.

And I was like, I don't care.

Like, I'm going to jump as high as I want to break everyone.

Every bone in front of my family.

Destroy me in front of my family.

Honor.

It turned out good, so I was happy.

But

it was funny.

It was such a dumb epiphany.

Like, I was a fucking moron.

Like, I can't, I can't even try to pretend to, you know, take this seriously, yeah, or myself whatsoever.

Like, do I really have what kicks?

It's like, no, you're a moron, dude.

Just go, just do your stupid thing.

All these cameras.

Yeah, the cameras, when I filmed the Netflix special, they had the big one on the like the crane.

My whole first hour, I was just

stared at it the entire time.

It would fly through the air.

So I'd be like,

this has to be ruining the show for anybody anybody around this

my second night I had a giant white like a spackle patch on my forehead

he got red but the makeup was

just bright white right here

and I would go to like make facial expressions it would just be a smooth circle

wouldn't move it was so funny the the movie I was just filming I the director would be like find the lens look into the lens when you say your line I didn't know he meant like near the lens.

I spent three days going,

hey.

He didn't catch it.

He didn't catch it.

So I might not be in this movie.

Every scene, I'm going, but what do we do now?

Like, it was an Spanish.

Straight, I was directly into the lens every single day.

And then...

Dude, they can just edit your eyes now.

The fucking, the shit now, the effects are crazy.

I, I, eventually, like day four of staring staring into the lens, I was like, when you say at the, at the, he's like, no, don't look into the lens.

I was like,

I got bad news for you.

Every scene.

They're going to AI your eyes where they're just kind of like this way.

The blind guy.

That's what they're going to have to do.

I think they're going to have to like use like editing to kind of like make it look like it doesn't have a giant face.

The second one looks better, though, I thought.

It did, but it was still like a purple bruise on my head that wasn't there the first night.

Yeah, if I put makeup on,

they never get my ears and my neck.

It's just dark red.

And my face is white.

I was like a Japanese lady.

Your ears are just crimson.

Dark red.

Yeah, man, it was sick.

It was a lot of fun.

That was simple.

But I'm fucking wiped, dude.

I'm dead.

It was a whole week.

We did a whole week out there.

And I would just get woken up at like 7 o'clock by my kids so i'd be out doing that wake up early i was running on literally fumes the whole time i was like the whole time i'm like i'm such an idiot this is the worst way you can possibly do this

it was like our airbnb was filthy the second one

it was a frat house dude oh no it was disgusting i got like a cold from it i think because they had air pure the place dude they didn't clean it like they there was like cans next to one of the beds just like wine coolers and a pack of peanut mms just laying there it's like dude i get it if you don't like hit all the nooks and crannies, but you guys don't eat it.

Dude, we bought the house my family and I bought in the Poconuts

was filled with trash.

Was it really?

Yeah.

I lifted up the couch.

There were like beer cans and condoms and gyms.

What the fuck is this?

Oh, they're probably planting Poconut strippers, too.

Yeah, yeah.

Ugh, yeah.

This was, this was for real bachelor party heaven.

It was like just filthy.

It had a cool stereo room with like just like Spencer's gift card lights.

It was like so fucking dumb.

The whole point, and it was that would be dumb, wouldn't it

i mean it's a family with a family i was vibing in there but i like if you walk around with your bare feet your bottom of your feet would be black like it was disgusting they had air purifier they didn't do anything but they did have air purifiers everywhere so i was like they got mold they must have mold in this place no brother it sucked but other than that it was at least your balls don't hurt yeah yeah true at least you don't have epididymitis have you been grumpy about it

Not really.

You haven't taken out yourself.

You haven't lashed out at your partner?

No, not at my partner.

This morning, morning I was more so just ashamed of myself.

I was kind of...

Yeah, I did a little lash out this morning.

Why'd you make me obsessed with your Rajorna?

Yeah, yeah.

How dare you?

You should blame her for it.

Okay.

You know, Georgie, what's going on?

It's your fault.

What happened to you?

Yeah, what did the fucking do to me?

What'd you give me?

I was saying this, that the same urgent care that I got.

diagnosed with epididymitis at was the one that I got my rectal abscess treated at.

So I've gone to this urgent care with just butthole and nutsack problems, and they probably think I'm a fucking freak.

Yeah, dude.

Definitely.

Especially when they see your giant dick.

They got that Bay Clint one.

They're just going, oh, we got a case of freaking ass.

That weird guy with the huge dick again.

The huge dick.

His asshole.

His asshole is like Rainbow Road from Mario Kart.

Defies the laws of gravity.

I told you guys about that, right?

When I was screaming in the urgent care, when they lanced my abscess, no, they gave me like five shots of numbing, which is what I thought about when you said the patch.

I wish they would have just done that.

That was the most painful.

It was on the lump in my butthole.

They jabbed it.

Sorry, this is gross, but they jabbed it with a bunch of needles.

And I was screaming like as loud and uncontrollable.

What a day.

That's a miracle pain.

It's a 10.

It was a 10.

It took a 10.

That was a 10.

No, I was going, fuck, fuck.

I was screaming.

Dude, that's terrible.

I'd rather die.

Yeah, I want you.

You'd have to kill me if I have an abscess.

How many shots?

I lost count.

Probably like four or five.

LeMaire's ass.

His pop down.

It's probably my favorite.

It's my favorite thing that's ever happened.

His bubble

exploding and stinking up an entire urgent care.

His ass fucking bubble exploded.

Oh my god, I would fucking hate you.

If I was in that room, I would fucking

hate you.

That'd be a nice episode of hate.

I think about it every day.

I think an episode of house of house to come in, like some black guy's ass exploded.

That's a black ass explosion, guys.

Move it over right now.

Oh, man.

It hurts my testi to laugh.

It hurts

to laugh.

Oh, no.

Just drop me a squad.

Squad's down, dude.

I got the bus down on right now.

I would have thought that this lifestyle would lead us to severe health issues.

I did have kind of a panic attack in my car.

I haven't micro-dosed in a while, and it hit me this morning like a ton of bricks.

I was driving over here, and like my pinky was touching my ring finger.

I just didn't like it.

I was like, I don't like the way my pink feels on my ring finger.

Yeah, I guess that bothers me now that you mentioned it.

She was killing me.

Yeah, that would bother me.

I was like, my hands started feeling fuzzy.

I was like, I'm going to die.

Fuck, this sucks.

I finally overdid it.

The Callie weed was freaking me out.

Yeah.

After the first night of your taping, I was like, dude, everybody.

I dropped Sean off to the wrong hotel.

Oh, yeah.

I was so high after maybe the Thursday show, I think.

Yeah.

And it was like a mall.

So there's a bunch of hotels.

And we just stopped at a hotel.

And I was so high, I was like, all right, see you, Matt.

And I got out and I just smoked a cigarette out in front of it for like five to ten minutes before I realized that I was in the wrong place.

I was driving away, being like, Dude, I can't believe I navigated right back to the right hotel.

I didn't even use my phone.

I was like, That was pretty good.

And he called, I was at a light, and he called me, like, dude, I'm at the wrong hotel.

I was like,

being up and trying to get into a hotel is I've done it 10,000 times, dude.

Check in, I'd be like, I left my key in my room.

How's you guys night going?

Nobody already walked.

The one was the worst one was

I was in a K-hole.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, I can't move.

I got to sit in the lobby.

I can't walk.

Oh, no.

And then Chris showed up and was like, you can walk.

And just, I easily could walk.

Whoa.

I could have walked.

I could have walked the whole time.

I sat in the lobby.

Like, you might be the best person in the world to be like, you can walk through a K-hole.

Trust me.

I've been 40K long.

Get up, Shane.

Yeah, going to the wrong.

Get up.

You can do it.

He might be the blue knight, dude.

He could be the blue knight.

He could get up.

God dilly.

That's so funny.

He was like, you just laid down.

Yeah, I was sitting in a chair in the lobby in front of the desk.

Everyone was just kind of like, yeah, this guy's chilling.

Oh, that's not bad.

Yeah, it's basically a homeless guy.

Just came in and sat.

And everyone was like, all right, I guess he's doing something.

Sat there for at least an hour.

Did you try to like, I guess you went on your phone?

Or like, what did you do?

No, I

literally on ketamine.

Oh, you were fucked

for an hour.

Were you drinking all the ketamine, too?

Oh, man.

Yeah, that's a heavy depressant.

Depressant disturbed.

It's pretty nice.

It went away.

It went away quick.

It's literally as soon as he was like, you can walk.

I was like, oh, all right.

Turns out I can.

Yeah.

Sick.

Yeah, I've heard of people thinking they were doing like

Coke, and it turns out it's ketamine and just being like, what the fuck?

You would have to do a pretty it was, it was liquid.

Yes, they said they thought it was liquid cocaine.

That's what I had at the nasal spread.

That's what happened.

Prescription nasal ketamine, yeah.

How do you get your hands on that?

Like, what's it prescribed for?

I don't know.

You can get it online, dude.

You can get like,

yeah, you can get ketamine pretty easy, I think.

Yeah.

Through a doctor.

Interesting.

Verified.

You can get lozenges.

You can get like.

I never did it.

It's sounds kind of fun.

You can get it for you if you want, it's not that fun.

Stick to blow.

All right.

If you say so.

If you say so.

All right.

I guess I have to now.

It's either this or ketamine.

So

I had to do one.

Sure.

Yeah, stick to the company culture.

We don't want internal problems.

Okay.

Sean, just come to our attention.

You've stopped doing cocaine.

We.

Sean, you've been sober for a week.

We need to talk about this.

We don't like that.

Lemise got to witness me and the Ocan man have a true battle.

Do you want to step in, Lemise?

Yeah, let's get Lemise in here for this.

May I pee real quick?

Yeah.

Right back.

I'll just hold it down.

Hold on the arc.

This doesn't even plug into anything.

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Hey, Larry.

Hello.

How are you?

I'm good, dude.

I'm

feeling all right.

I'm feeling pretty good.

Yeah.

Slept nice.

I had a nice sleep myself.

Yeah.

I slept like 10 hours.

Oh, that's beast fucking great.

10 hours is good.

Yeah.

And I woke up like right when I had to wake up.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It wasn't like.

You didn't even need an alarm?

I did have an alarm.

No, I woke up before the alarm.

But it was, usually I wake up and I'm like,

fuck, it's so early.

Check, it's like 8 a.m.

7 a.m.

Yeah.

10 a.m.

today.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Dude, that's that going back to sleep when you wake up early is the worst, like, it's the most risky sleep in the world.

It is because you feel good the first time when you wake up when it's early.

You go, I'm actually, I could get up now if I wanted, but I might as well sleep for three more hours.

And then you sleep for three hours, you wake up like, oh,

shit.

Why did I do that?

Man, you're talking about that at the bar, the hangover, the hangover sleep.

That shit rocks.

Yeah.

When you sleep, when you wake up at fucking nine or, and you're like, I'm so hungover.

And then you sleep until one and you go,

I got away with that.

I can't believe I got away with that one.

The Okanman must be dead.

He's still tough today, too.

You must literally be dead.

I didn't know how bad he was.

Me and the Okanman

argued for

seven hours

in politics.

Straight.

Seven hours straight.

Was it like Iran stuff, kind of?

It was everything.

But it just kept going back to Donald Trump's a giant piece of shit.

And then we were screaming arguing every time He would say something I'd be like we can look that up And I guarantee you it happened like five different times where he said something and then I would look it up and go this didn't happen and he would go

That's not what I meant and then he would change the argument

It was crazy.

The one I remember was he was like popular vote means winning 50%

Yeah, more than 50% more than 50%.

I was like no it doesn't yeah popular vote's just the total vote and he was like no it's not I don't know I didn't know that either then you pulled it over.

Trump won the popular vote.

Yeah.

The Republican won the popular vote for the first time.

And

it was like a landslide the last one.

For a Republican, that was a landslide.

Yeah.

But it was nice to look up and go, this is C?

And he was like, dude, it's the best feeling in the world.

Google wins something in the middle of an argument.

This is, he kind of the reverse happened to me and him before when I fell down in the airport at JFK.

We were having a long argument.

I ended up falling down.

I lost the argument.

Yeah, true.

This time it was Chris.

Chris, so we're sitting there for so long arguing.

And I was like, man, Chris is fucking.

At one point, I had to be like, watch how you're talking to me.

This is crazy.

He was just raving me.

He did say, all right, I bet on that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then

Le Maire agreed with me on something.

He was like,

of course, you fucking suck his fucking dick.

Fucking ball wash him.

It was like, LeMaire never does that.

LeMer disagrees with everything I say.

He's a cocksucker.

But he was like mad at Le Maire, then he got mad.

Then he stood up and fell over a chair.

He kept his balance, but as soon as he stood up, I was like, oh, all right.

Yeah.

And then he came back.

I was like, I forgive you.

You know, he called me

for way too long.

I kept talking to him.

What do you call you for, Dan?

Well, Nate sold us out.

Nate sold us out, yeah.

Nate sold us out, and then you left LeMaire in a very uncomfortable spot.

If Le Maire's here, if LeMaire's around me without you guys, it's very weird.

What happens?

He's just as quiet and like when he lived with me, he he would just walk through the house

and leave.

I don't want to activate you.

Yeah, you were around with some duffels.

I'd be hungover.

I'd be like, get the fuck out of my house.

He's so quiet around.

Oh, great.

You again.

What the fuck, dude?

Keep figuring about the plane.

The plane?

Getting drunk on the plane.

Be like, whatever.

Yeah, on the way there, you're, you know, terrified terrified of flying

way back.

You have four drinks, you're like, kill me,

kill me right now.

I don't know if I'll beat God's ass for this.

Right when I get to the Pearlie Gates, I'm sprinting into his house.

You motherfucker, you're gonna fucking kill me in a plane.

I was doing stuff.

We were talking about getting to the Pearlie Gates and St.

Peter being like, oh, she ain't gillis.

It looks like he says here and just fucking

shut the fuck up, dude.

God lives in a townhouse.

Just running through his screen door while he's watching TV.

You fucking bitch.

Why'd you kill me on a plane?

What if you went there?

He's like, Shane, you are my strongest angel.

He's like, yeah, I figured.

Yeah, that's why I beat the shit out of St.

Peter like that.

The fuck, dude.

Yeah, St.

Peter's kind of, excuse my French lord, a bitch.

You're talking about the rock of the church, dude.

Yeah, what the hell are you talking about?

I mean, dude, the rock of the church is Jesus, but like, you know, that's my idea.

No, Jesus is the fucking church.

Jesus is the body of the church.

Peter's the rock.

Peter's the rock that it's built upon.

Yeah.

Come on, man.

It's not as sophisticated as Paul, but.

Wait,

or Peter, you're fucking denied him.

What was you about to do?

You're about to get crucified upside down, man.

He's like, I don't even know that fucking guy.

Dude, the imminent thing.

No, everyone's just like, oh, all right.

Yeah.

Who saw you hanging out with him every day?

Nah.

I hated him too.

I'm Judas.

I've been reading about the Desert Fathers.

Did you ever get down with those guys?

No.

Dude, there were these guys in, like, I think the fourth century who once, I think Constantine was a guy who made it the Roman, you know, Roman Catholic Church or whatever, the official religion.

There were these guys that were just already Catholics or Christians that were like, fuck this.

They're like, this is not good.

They just went to the desert and just fucking got mainstream it got too much it got too mainstream i like the old testament yeah

all these new fans suck yeah for real they're like sell out and then they went out and they were also they knew because i think the guy was like using it for battles he was like i saw you know he saw the sun split into a silver cross and he had the dream these guys that were like i guess like you know hermits or like in a monastery were like fuck this is not what we're doing here what the hell we're not you we're not supposed to use our stuff for roman battles like god damn it takes one to the desert and they just like I should have talked about punching God.

You do.

He knows you're kidding.

He knows.

I'm just.

You do it all day.

No, I'm definitely going to die in a fucking plane crash.

No, he knows.

That's going to be so scary.

That would be.

It's going to be so scary.

God is in the townhouse.

You think you're kidding?

Motherfucker.

Show up that blew up.

You are going to start over from the beginning of evolution now.

Jerk.

God sitting in a show like this.

Smashing the button.

You're going to get a call like Shane.

How do you feel about doing a show this this weekend, actually?

Yeah, it was tight.

They just went to the desert and just fucking.

You asked me to go to the Middle East soon.

Where?

Why?

Saudi Arabia and UAE or Dubai.

Dubai?

I think I'm going to pass.

Yeah.

For the troops?

Is it for the troops?

Not for the troops.

It's for the Saudis.

For the Saudi princes?

Yeah, and everyone's like, yeah, you should do it.

Everyone's doing it.

It's like

for Saudis?

Yeah.

Weren't those the

9-11 guys?

Aren't they exactly the 9-11 guys?

It was Irene, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's all been Iran this whole time.

Convenient.

Fucking Iran.

Hello, everybody.

That concludes this week's regular episode.

If you'd like to hear the rest, please join us on Patreon.

Patreon.com/slash mssecret pod.

Thank you.

Have a great week.