Ep 564 - Cuddle Puddle (feat. James McCann, Tim Butterly, & Egan Robinson)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, wow, Wes. Dude,

Speaker 1 we start over. My voice cracked, dude.

Speaker 1 Leave it in. Hey.

Speaker 1 Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Speaker 1 Thank you, guys. Thanks for coming, man.
Thanks for having me. Thank you for coming.
I

Speaker 1 yeah, I did wear a tank top. I wasn't, you know, it's not like a thing.
I'm just trying to. I had a mog on us.
I'm not mogging at all. I really, I'm humbly asking for notes from the viewership.

Speaker 1 I'm doing nothing. If you guys see anything you guys I need to work on, just let me know.
You know, Arnold used to wear belly shirts when he was bulking just to give himself the motivation.

Speaker 1 Is that like it cuts off like right here? Yeah. Oh, that's kind of nice.
I think laid back jacked is such a statement that it's

Speaker 1 almost overpowering how nonchalant you're trying to be about.

Speaker 1 I saw you at the pool

Speaker 1 two weeks ago. Your back is out of control.
Are you serious? You've got a huge muscular back. Everybody noticed that you turned around.
People I was with said, oh,

Speaker 1 it's from carrying this goddamn podcast.

Speaker 1 I don't even think they knew about comedy. People were going, you know a guy with a big bag? Are you serious?

Speaker 1 I never got to check my back. Is it going like

Speaker 1 Cobra style?

Speaker 1 No one spontaneously. I've seen earlier pictures of you.
No one accidentally gets a huge rest. You like a manta ray.
You like a manta ray. Dude, I swear to God.
It's just maca.

Speaker 1 My stack is just maca and she legit. Yo, I just got on the jeet today.
Did you really? First time. It's gross.
It tastes

Speaker 1 nasty.

Speaker 1 It's like scary how bad it is. Well, I was sniffing.
I got it also from like a sketchy

Speaker 1 online web store. And so I was like, I don't even know.
It's just like a black

Speaker 1 tar in a, I don't even know what it is. I'm like, it smells like

Speaker 1 smoke. I'm like, let me just plug it into it.

Speaker 1 Like, I guess I put it into water and just drink it, but it was really nasty. It's gross.
You got to kind of put it in coffee, I feel like. Okay, yeah.
It's said to put it in milk.

Speaker 1 People put it in milk. I was like, that sounds like a weird.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've tried to put it right under my tongue, and it's just like, yeah, me and the guys at the gym, we just go raw.

Speaker 1 You've load max for a while. Oh, is that why you're doing it for load max? I'm just going just kind of mail enhancement all around.
Yeah, I'm going

Speaker 1 to come supplement? Yeah, zinc after

Speaker 1 zinc is a big

Speaker 1 L Arginine. Arginine.
And I'm doing two more that I forget the name. Are you still LM? I haven't since I started the move, but yeah, I was doing it for about a month or two.
I don't understand.

Speaker 1 What's like the ideal amount of time to like load max before it's like, now I'm going to let the load out? Like, you know, it's. I'd say you're probably not going to see any results until like

Speaker 1 probably a week or two in. Like the first day you take it, it's like, who gives a fuck? And then, like, two weeks in, you're just like, I can never go back.

Speaker 1 And then you fall off one day and you go, I'll get back to it. And then you never take it again.
And then all the supplements expire in your cabinet.

Speaker 1 You do get that one time. This is my experience with loading.
You did get that one time. Yeah.
It kind of like, I don't know, it's not sustainable. You're not going to be impressed by your load.

Speaker 1 Because then you're just like, well, now I need to go bigger. You know, you just have to raise the bar, raise the bar for your load.
The secret thing

Speaker 1 is that you have a large amount of ejaculate, not just to wait a couple of days. If you just wait a couple of of days, don't you have a lot of time? He has time.

Speaker 1 But if you do both of those things, you can judge.

Speaker 1 Every day, a huge gas. Not every day.
You save it for like this. This is what I do now.

Speaker 1 I just go, like, I've started telling my wife, I've talked about this before, but it's like, I have completely lifted my off, my like sexual offense has, I've, I've retired it completely.

Speaker 1 No, I just, I'm just, I tell her, like, look, I'm just here. I'm not going to pressure you about it.
I was like, I'm trying to retain.

Speaker 1 If you need to break the glass, you go right ahead, but try not to do it more than once a week. And now, is this having the reverse psychological effect that you originally do for sure?

Speaker 1 Or are you just withering away? No, dude, I'm just retaining seed and just getting. That's what's up.
That's what's up. I'm, I'm, I'm full, the full year.
Are you?

Speaker 1 Not a full year, but since I haven't, I haven't jayed off since 2024 because I, I love to tell people, like, oh, you jerk off at 2024.

Speaker 1 So you're, you've been off the nog since yeah 2024. Yeah, I've been off the nog off uh no porn, no Jane off no PMO.
What's PMO? Porn masturbation orgasm.

Speaker 1 Definitely been off of that.

Speaker 1 I will say the amount that I think about a cycle. I thought this pissed me off.

Speaker 1 My daughter's been saying PMO all the time. That's what she means.

Speaker 1 She keeps saying TSPMO.

Speaker 1 And now I'm reading. TSPMO means the shit pissed me off.
Oh, it's probably shit pissed me off. I thought transsexual masturbation.

Speaker 1 Transsexual organs. TS should be transsexual.

Speaker 1 transsexual pornography masturbation.

Speaker 1 No, we'll be okay. But yeah, I'm so far past.
I don't even, I mean, I think about it. You ever feel the urge? You ever feel the poll just constantly.

Speaker 1 Well, it's really mainly like it is kind of nice because I feel the urge only when I'm in my apartment not doing anything because it's literally just an indication that I should go out and do something.

Speaker 1 But only when I'm like, yeah, when I'm just like walking.

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah. The hotel rooms on the road are very scary.

Speaker 1 I just download, I just download like a dating app and just swipe to see, like, is someone sexually interested in me at all? And, like, it's, yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 1 I'm just like basically gooning on Tinder. Just like, oh, who wants to fuck me? Well, I was going to ask,

Speaker 1 if you're completely resisting the urge, what are your social media algorithms looking like?

Speaker 1 So, I have been, I will say, I'm the type of guy that I have been slowly like unfollowing like any kind of like hot girl account. And then, if anyone even posts anything that is like

Speaker 1 a girl in a bikini or anything, I'm just like, I don't need to see this filth on my timeline.

Speaker 1 I just unfollow it. So it's a lot more, it's basically my algorithm is all just like just like anime videos and like Catholic bullshit, basically.

Speaker 1 I was following no fly honeys, and the algorithm found me out. Yeah, they tried

Speaker 1 salvos into your timeline all the time. But I found you can reset it.
You can fully default. What's no fly honey? What is that?

Speaker 1 I wasn't following any fly honeys on my

Speaker 1 babes.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh my babes are going to get off the ground. I'm like, that's what you say.

Speaker 1 So you have no fly babes. No, but then the algorithm still goes, you've lingered on this.

Speaker 1 Obviously, you like this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I found you can do a hard reset on it where you go, just take me back to day one of the algorithm before you knew anything about me. So you're throwing the baby out with bathwater then.

Speaker 1 I was getting women making sourdough with huge breasts. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow, that's crazy. We were just watching that on Panties in the Mouth the other day.
I mean, it's.

Speaker 1 Yeah, those like porn warm-up girls. I'm always kind of like

Speaker 1 sketched out. like is it like do they stop is that like a woman dipping her toe in like sexual entertainment like oh on my instagram and stuff yeah those who aren't doing like porn only

Speaker 1 yes digital fluffers

Speaker 1 i feel like they make like soft ecosystem yeah yes i think they yeah they try and butter you up they try and calm you down trying to go this is all right well that gets you going they know they're trying to

Speaker 1 I believe on the X. I had to get off the X because then

Speaker 1 it was all porn, but then I would find that at other times when I was, I think they geotag it as well. I noticed the algorithm was different.

Speaker 1 When I was out and about in public, I was getting different things recommended to when I was alone

Speaker 1 in a room. Yes.
What do you mean? You were just walking down the street and you're like, fuck, it's changing. No,

Speaker 1 I was like, there's nothing erotic here. Really? This is nice.
And then I was alone in a room and it was very erotic. And they know where I am.
And they

Speaker 1 just be in a room getting horny too, though. To be fair, you could be right.
You could be right. But that could be.

Speaker 1 I know that because I get in a hotel room and I'm like, I look like Britney Spears from like an early music video. I'm just laying on the bed, like

Speaker 1 I'm just gyrating my hips on the bed.

Speaker 1 I'm bound in chains.

Speaker 1 Like, the algorithm's crazy right now.

Speaker 1 I did. I've bought a new phone, though.
I'm trying again with a dumb phone. Oh, really? I've got the minimalist phone.
It's a normal Chrome phone. It's like a flip.

Speaker 1 No, this, it just has an e-reader Kindle screen. So you can do everything on it, but it looks terrible.
It's black and white. I'm going to text text you at 0085.

Speaker 1 That's not bad. So you're going for the kind of like somewhat dumb phone, but it'll give you maps and stuff, though.

Speaker 1 Maps, Uber, Spotify. That's all you need.
And then I think I'm safe. And then I think I can just live a normal life.
I'm not sure if it's a set of grayscale tits and it's going to change everything.

Speaker 1 Now you're going to be like, oh, I'm going to get a fucking. But I'll be chasing that in real life device.
I'll start wearing weird glasses in the bedroom.

Speaker 1 Start getting etched sketches shipped from Vietnam.

Speaker 1 An artist down there. You get a plug down there.
Hello. No, it's my egg rolls have arrived.
Oh, your egg rolls. Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Time out.
Pause the podcast. We finally got your egg rolls.
No, no, I can wait. I can hold off.
I can delay gratification. Are you serious?

Speaker 1 If you can go without ejaculating in almost a year, then I can.

Speaker 1 You're soft mode, basically. What's soft mode? Soft mode is when a woman can get it out of you.
Oh, no. So I'm trying to do, I'm hard mode.
I mean, I'm hard all the time mode, basically. But I am.

Speaker 1 You're celibate. Yeah, I'm trying to be.
Because I'm trying to be like a good, like,

Speaker 1 good Catholic man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, desert, I would say. Desert Catholic.
Desert. Yeah, I'm like a desert, yeah, desert father right now.
Just fucking just in my exodus, just roaming around the desert, getting lost.

Speaker 1 You're getting jacked as well. What?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant I was getting nuts.
No, I'm not.

Speaker 1 I'm getting good at it. I've been.
You're going to get jacked one way or the other. Dude, that's the thing.
I've been trying to.

Speaker 1 My back is just full of fucking comb. Look at Campbell.

Speaker 1 Everyone's like, speaking of, what's your secret? I was like, well, you got to not jerk off for six months. That you start there.

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nationwide but um yeah man i wouldn't i wouldn't suggest it to everybody but uh

Speaker 1 it's been uh it's been good i uh what do you what do you do if you're walking down the street and you see like an attractive woman i just fall in love immediately

Speaker 1 i have a giant heart

Speaker 1 out of my chest my tongue on rolls and

Speaker 1 god forbid i'm wearing glasses because those eyeballs are bosses

Speaker 1 i've i've read you're you're supposed to from desert catholic training you're supposed to just see them and as soon as you feel your like body chemistry change you just wish wish them the best.

Speaker 1 You go, I just really hope she doesn't get it.

Speaker 1 She's like salient, you'll marry my brain. It's like, I can't think of her like that.

Speaker 1 I think it's two monks walking along, and the old monk and the young monk, and they see a beautiful woman, and the young monk shields his eyes and looks away, and the old monk is able to look at her, and the young monk's like, oh,

Speaker 1 are you a pervert? You're able to look at a woman? And the old monk's like, I'm so ordered. I'm able to look at a woman and just move on with my day.
I don't have to hate myself.

Speaker 1 I don't have to hate God's beautiful creation in that woman's huge, lovely breasts and uh that was gandhi's movie that's what i do when i see women like i'm so ordered i don't even think you're hot

Speaker 1 gandhi was sleeping in a bed with girls sleeping in a bed with young uh concubines i guess because he could avoid the temptation he never even weren't they his like nieces

Speaker 1 yeah you know you had to take what you get

Speaker 1 small village yeah for sure i heard gandhi did that yeah he would lay in bed and not do anything or just cuddle puddle cuddle

Speaker 1 you know he probably went arms at his sides completely rigid just like i'm not even i don't even feel anything about this. I don't feel your flesh.

Speaker 1 You're going, Gandhi, we need you to write legislation for the country.

Speaker 1 You've got a job to do. No, I have to be in the bed with the

Speaker 1 bed. Just starving, starving in a cuddle puddle.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 zooming out. You know, he didn't know people would know about that.

Speaker 1 It was just

Speaker 1 how old was he when he did that? That's the question. He was older, right? Well, when he was younger, I think his, I might get this wrong.

Speaker 1 I think his father died and he was having sex with his wife at the time.

Speaker 1 Like, Like he was meant to be in there with his dad, but he said, oh, I might have sex with my wife and then go and visit dad, but first, sex with the wife. And then he died.

Speaker 1 And he felt so ashamed that he stopped.

Speaker 1 Oh, his father died.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like it was something like he could have seen his father one more time if only he hadn't

Speaker 1 lay in six lives. That was why I never jacked on holidays as a child because I thought my grandparents were going to die on a holiday on like Thanksgiving or something.

Speaker 1 And it would be like, oh man, I, I, God was busy watching me jack off instead of saving my grandmother's life for Thanksgiving dinner. That's true.
So,

Speaker 1 I avoided it every single time. And then, if you think eventually, I broke, and then it was just every day for the rest of my life.
Yeah, I used to torture myself over the Easter beat.

Speaker 1 That was the one that, like, really, I would, I'd be like, come on, dude, don't do it. And it was just, I'd be on autopilot with the Kohl's catalog bra section, like, forgive me, father.

Speaker 1 I know it's also rough because then you actually have to go to like mass and be like, I just was post-mass. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 I used to get torqued at Easter Mass.

Speaker 1 Like, wildly, so it was crazy. See, everybody in their Sundays best are beautiful.
Oh my god, I'm so horrible. Some of the races spring has sprung.
Yeah, new hairstyles.

Speaker 1 You know, the girls are trying out new looks that you're not really getting. And dude, I mean, genetically, I was a pagan.
I was just the goddess Freya, dude. Was just

Speaker 1 Austa for you. You're having the full pagan fertility festival.
What's Austiff? Austa.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I wouldn't say original, but that's the...
That's like, that's all that. Whenever Dan Brown's like, and did you know that Easter was actually a sex festival? Hmm.

Speaker 1 It's called Auster and the Vikings. I don't like that at all.
I don't believe that. Dude.

Speaker 1 Neither. The Aphrodite shit is crazy.
The Temple of Aphrodite. I don't know anything about the Temple of Aphrodite.

Speaker 1 It was like around the time when Paul was riding around being like trying to get everyone to become Christians. Oh, when he's sending his letters? Yeah, when he's sending all his epistles.
And

Speaker 1 they were like, he's like, come to a church with us. And they had, there was one place, I forget where it was, but they were like, we have a temple that just sells meat.

Speaker 1 And then there's just, it was like literally OnlyFans in real life. Yeah.
It would just be a temple of maidens. This is a big thing in the ancient world was the priestess Hoar.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Because I know in Gilgamesh,

Speaker 1 there's the. Ah, this might not be exciting.
No, I'd like to hear it. I'm all ears.
Gilgamesh is too powerful. The gods want to crush him.
So they send for him a,

Speaker 1 I think his name's Eridu or something, but he's a big hairy guy who's crazy. And

Speaker 1 he's

Speaker 1 the whole town is ruined by this hairy man who's meant to get in Gilgamesh's way. He's too powerful.
It's a very strange introduction to the story.

Speaker 1 But then the townspeople get together and they go, take him to the priestess Hooker. Yeah, the slot please.
And he'll have sex with her.

Speaker 1 And then he'll be civilized because he'll be ashamed from having... Oh, the hairy guy will be...
Yeah. Oh, he loses his strength.

Speaker 1 And then he comes and then immediately goes, oh, what have I been doing? I've got to get my life together. And that's the start of

Speaker 1 the epic of Gilgamesh. He lost his strength.
But that they would have the strip club and the temple were one. Yeah.
Which also, at a strip club, that is the vibe of the men.

Speaker 1 At a woman's strip club, everyone's hooting and hollering, and they're going woo and they're trying to bite people.

Speaker 1 And at a men's strip club, usually just very sad, lonely guys sitting there alone, staring into

Speaker 1 the oblivion. Yes.
Very true. That's true.
And it's a lot more reverent, I would say. Except, yeah, but then you get like when you're throwing money at them.
I guess, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Different races, different strip clubs, I would say, would be it.

Speaker 1 You never never tossed bills? Oh, no. In Australia, we'd not.
That's a regular. Really? That's a regular.
That's America. I mean,

Speaker 1 sorry. We don't have dollar bills, might be a big difference.

Speaker 1 Throwing a big fiver is,

Speaker 1 I mean, wow.

Speaker 1 How long am I going to be here for? It sounds like

Speaker 1 I've got college tuition to prepare for. Yeah, we thoroughly throw money.
I saw someone throw a quarter at a stripper's butthole one time. That was, you're getting coins are like no-go.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you get in trouble for that. I had a dark time back when I was like a wee lad.
I used to, I did the fold on the hip top.

Speaker 1 And they clap their ass chick and fucking. You laid a little mousetrap.
The mouse trap.

Speaker 1 Dude, the whole time the DJ was like, yo, give it up for Bieber.

Speaker 1 Hold on. So you would put it on your face.
Fold. I'd go to lipsticks, three X's, lipsticks.
And then

Speaker 1 you would try to catch this. They would catch it with their ass chick.

Speaker 1 Whoa. I just got fucking pink eye or something.

Speaker 1 What the heck?

Speaker 1 You're playing like claw game.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but they're very accurate claw game. Whoa.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the prize was pink eye. Did you ever go to Thailand? No.
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Speaker 1 There you go. And I lose them all the time.
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Speaker 1 And I like to spoil him.

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Speaker 1 or the japan only or the japan only i'll never make it to thailand there's nothing taking why are you trying to go to a no i just i always wonder about the you know people have and the whole bird came out of there you know at the tie uh sex you know the thai they have the weird sex show.

Speaker 1 Maybe this is just the thing we know about in Australia because that's where everybody goes. But in Thailand, that's where that's the spot.

Speaker 1 Ladies shooting ping-pong balls and having live creatures come out of it. Oh, yeah, I've never been to one of those.
You know about that stuff? In the Amsterdam.

Speaker 1 What's the other thing about Thailand that people want to go for? Because that seems to be. Ah, the monarchy.
The beautiful monarchy that we all love so much.

Speaker 1 Great rock and roll music of the late 60s, early 60s. Australia, yeah, you guys are close to Thailand, so that's where you guys go.
It's where a lot of our more dejected. Sometimes they'll.

Speaker 1 Often in Australia, there's a man who loves going to thailand because you guys who get like you'll know yeah but you'll know a guy at the office always you'll be working somewhere and there's a guy who just goes to thailand twice a year

Speaker 1 twice a year

Speaker 1 i'm going back to thailand there are comedians who are like i can't wait to get back i'm i start i do my podcast in thailand all the time it's frowned it's frowned upon in america if you know anyone who goes to thailand it's kind of like

Speaker 1 if you're really

Speaker 1 if you are thai fine You're allowed to go back to Thailand. If you're somebody

Speaker 1 you got to get over there so people can fuck you. Once every four years is the absolute maximum i think four years yeah you're right once you go in there

Speaker 1 i'll never i'll never go there yeah i can confiscate everybody never there or dubai my wife's trying to go to dubai and i was like brittany i'll never

Speaker 1 ever go to dubai in my life just hang out with some sheiks i just have no interest i'm like it's like atlantic city run by muslims and then it's like i'm gonna i'll get arrested if i have a vape pen in my atlantic city 15 years in the future yeah

Speaker 1 well it's also like like, and if I have a vape cartridge in my bag, I'll go to jail for seven years. It's like, yeah, bro, no fucking thanks.

Speaker 1 I mean, you think Brittany will observe enough decorum so that she doesn't end up in like an underground prison? She'll be like that lady. Remember that one Muslim lady in Pakistan?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that million dollars to fix this country.

Speaker 1 Wait, what happened?

Speaker 1 Some black lady tried to take over Pakistan for $100,000. Nice.
You didn't see the video? She tried to break it up.

Speaker 1 There was just a black lady in Pakistan. She She got catfished all the way to Pakistan and then showed up and did like a press conference that made like national news.

Speaker 1 And she said, I need the government to give me $100,000. The roads aren't paved.
I don't know if I've seen a bathroom since I got here. I'm going to fix this.
Y'all need to give me the money.

Speaker 1 And I think she disappeared for a while after that. I haven't heard from her.
They just like stoned her. It was a failed campaign.
They didn't want to solve the problem. Someone must have got.

Speaker 1 I think Beyonce went over there and rescued her.

Speaker 1 They sent the Britney Griner Defense Force to

Speaker 1 extract her.

Speaker 1 I did see in the clip, the Pakistani dudes were kind of laughing. I didn't know if they'd be like spazzing.
You can see them in there, like,

Speaker 1 they thought she was playing.

Speaker 1 Wait, did she want the money to fix the country for them?

Speaker 1 She said, you give it to me, I'll make it happen.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think she wanted money, too. I think she wanted it for herself, too.
I'll pay myself out, but then I'll pave all the roads. And

Speaker 1 I don't know. And then I'll have 80,000.

Speaker 1 she needed like three grand a week. I think she wanted she was like, I want three grand a week, and then maybe I think it was like, all right, give me a fucking lump son.

Speaker 1 Fine, I could fix Pakistan for three grand a week, I think. Also, can anyone just like have a press conference? It's like, just I need to call a press conference in Pakistan.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was just a they had a black lady wowing out. I don't think they've ever had a black lady wilding out in Pakistan.
We're going to put her on the news. This is crazy.

Speaker 1 It's just insane.

Speaker 1 I mean, you know what the divorce rate is in Pakistan? No. It's like zero, one or zero percent.
Respect. That's at least my Uber driver told me that.

Speaker 1 Are you kidding? That's not true. I swear to God, dude.
Isn't it? Because in Islam, it's usually very easy to get a divorce. Yeah, they do like one-hour divorce, and then you go back.
In Iran?

Speaker 1 Are they not able to have multiple? Is that not a thing that they do? You can.

Speaker 1 You got to afford it. You got to prove you can afford them.

Speaker 1 And you are not allowed to have a threesome. I found out.
The wives are not allowed to be in a bedroom together and they get you on different days.

Speaker 1 So if you have two wives, you get to pick a four-day-a-week wife and a three-day-a-week wife. Really? And it's a split marriage.
But you can't mix wives?

Speaker 1 No, the wives don't don't get to get up to any time. This is a wives situation.
They're both married to you, but they're not married to each other.

Speaker 1 I did a lot of reading about this when I was thinking about Islam. Really?

Speaker 1 And then I saw that and I thought, ah, this is

Speaker 1 not as fun as it sounds. 0.3 to 0.7%.
That's a good divorce rate. Yeah, bro.

Speaker 1 What's the rate of killing your wife?

Speaker 1 I don't think they can.

Speaker 1 It probably matches the divorce rate in the U.S.

Speaker 1 53%.

Speaker 1 Probably don't even have accurate numbers for that because of the way they are. Yeah, I told you.
I told you, man. What are the rights of freak wife accidents?

Speaker 1 Now, if I was in Pakistan, say I had three wives, could I have one wife where all we did is I brought her around, had a bag of toys, and then I got to have like my friends have sex with her.

Speaker 1 That's what apparently Kanye West was doing.

Speaker 1 I think that's called a freak bag. It's a freak bag.
You bring a freak bag for your wife.

Speaker 1 There's a term for it. It's called, oh, God, what's the name?

Speaker 1 It's like an elevated cucking where it's like, you're way more proactive.

Speaker 1 Fuck, what's I got to find the term for that? But you're like, you're pimping your wife out. Sort of.
No, there's no money. There's no money.
Oh, this is all play bag. You're a pro boner.

Speaker 1 It's all play. It's all play.
You bring a freak bag. You show up and you bring a freak bag.

Speaker 1 Let me see if I can find the video.

Speaker 1 Hot wifing? It's not hot wifing. It's a whole.

Speaker 1 I'll just throw it everywhere. Hold on.
I'll give this one. I think Kanye's journey along the road to Christianity has taken a couple of

Speaker 1 big left turns. He did, yeah.
I'll find this. Those are God's favorite.

Speaker 1 The prodigal.

Speaker 1 He's got to come back.

Speaker 1 What greater proof than someone on a journey like that? Break bag.

Speaker 1 It's called like a, here we go. Here we go.
Stag vixen.

Speaker 1 It's called a stag vixen.

Speaker 1 Just because it has a cool name doesn't make it right. Yeah, it's it's a cool name.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's called a hoe bag.
That's what you bring up. You bring a hoe bag full of toys and you go to a party and you just kind of like, and it's just, I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's what they said Kanye and Diddy were doing.

Speaker 1 I heard a rumor this year. He suspected she was some sort of federal agent sent to spy on him.
And that he was embarrassing her on purpose. Oh, kind of like humiliation.

Speaker 1 She can push it. And bringing a bag where other men will.

Speaker 1 Stag Vixen? Yes.

Speaker 1 Again,

Speaker 1 this is all obviously human beings. The theory is

Speaker 1 definitely evidence in it. It kind of makes sense why he spent so much time in Japan.
I feel like that's something they'd be kind of into over there. You know? Yeah.
Who? That kind of play.

Speaker 1 The Japanese? Yeah, yeah. True.
They kind of had

Speaker 1 to be sexually unusual before the atomic explosions, or did that kick that off? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think there's like ancient scrolls of a middle-aged Japanese man smoking a cigarette and fucking with this face while like a girl cries.

Speaker 1 Genuinely, there's an octopus print. Yeah, they dates from hundreds of years ago.

Speaker 1 There's a woman being entered by an octopus.

Speaker 1 I think they have the Hawaiians have that with like an eel. There was a giant eel that was fucking ladies in like the Polynesian culture.
Where are the Hawaiians? Aren't they cut?

Speaker 1 Maui. Maui killed him.
That didn't make its way into Moana.

Speaker 1 That's Moana 3.

Speaker 1 That's like the X and XX version of it that they do. I'm sure.
Jesus.

Speaker 1 Dang, you're going to fucking like Disney cut porns, dude.

Speaker 1 Sometimes it pops up. I don't look at that.
Back in my early days, back in my dark days. Yeah, right, dude.

Speaker 1 Just watching it and just being like, yeah, I remember this movie. It's so much better.
I never got into like the cartoon cart, like Simpsons porn. I never got into that.
Never, never.

Speaker 1 Well, you missed out. That was

Speaker 1 curiosity in the back of your mind that kind of never goes away no matter how old you get. No, that was a whole lot of people.
Sometimes it's cool to indulge, man. That was the first movie.

Speaker 1 That was home we're working with.

Speaker 1 Yeah, packing hate, I would guess.

Speaker 1 They didn't hog out anybody on the Simpsons porn. No, yeah.
Wait, anybody is in homes. I might be thinking of Bart's boner right now, but I don't think I saw anyone with a huge meat on any Evil porn.

Speaker 1 Bro, that's CP, bro.

Speaker 1 Bart's in the fourth grade. That's CP.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well.

Speaker 1 So you're saying they all worked with kind of regular. I'm going to barricade myself in my own when Simpsons born.
Come and take it, pigs.

Speaker 1 It's just Marge sucking off Bart.

Speaker 1 I always found that The Simpsons was fairly erotic enough.

Speaker 1 You always think that they have a good, healthy sex life in their marriage.

Speaker 1 Like a lot of shows, you can't pick the sexual dynamic of the characters, but Marge and Homer are, I think, very satisfied in one another. You never get the sense that...

Speaker 1 No, I've never once thought that. I don't like Hank and Peggy.
I go, I don't know what they're getting up to. I don't know how the King of the Hill sex life is, but I always think.

Speaker 1 Marge struck me as kind of a freak, actually. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, Marge and Homer, they have a very sensual relationship. It is very sensual.
It's communicated communicated very clearly.

Speaker 1 There's little moments where Marge will, you know, Homer will say something like,

Speaker 1 I'll do that thing where I, you know, nibble on your elbow or whatever. And Marge goes,

Speaker 1 also,

Speaker 1 homie.

Speaker 1 The homie.

Speaker 1 I got to like her little pet name because I'm like, homie? Homie. That's just some intentions.
Yeah, now you mentioned that. Do you think Homer ever sucks Marge's tits? Yes.
Got her, right?

Speaker 1 Well, she's given birth very recently. She'd still be breastfeeding.
He's probably not allowed to touch him. Because for the entirety of The Simpsons,

Speaker 1 they have a one-year-old one-year-old baby

Speaker 1 but we've never seen marge nurse and now this is suddenly bothering oh i've never seen

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 marge doesn't breastfeed how did they not tackle that topic when that became a big thing and women started breastfeeding at restaurants how did they not do a marge episode where she was like whipping it out

Speaker 1 yeah man yeah i feel like women used to like didn't used to like hide a woman in the basement to breastfeed because i never saw you trying to do that actually i feel like when i i had little brothers and sisters i feel like i might might have walked into the room one time.

Speaker 1 I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. There's a lot of.
I mean, at the airport, they have those pods. The pods are nice.
Which I see. Some jack-off-pod seeds and the jackets.
Featuring lactation.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the goon pods.

Speaker 1 I changed

Speaker 1 recently in the airport for a family bathroom. I was waiting outside, the whole family, and I'm like taking for fucking ever.
And I don't hear any kids. I'm like,

Speaker 1 this is someone taking his shit.

Speaker 1 And I waited and waited. It's like, oh, I'm in here.
Took his sweet time. And I was just boiling, dude.

Speaker 1 Because, like, my kids, like, there was, and there was like a line for the other, the girls' bathroom. Yeah, so it was just like long as fuck.
And my kids were like, the boys' bathroom is disgusting.

Speaker 1 I kind of drilled it in their heads. I'm like, you guys don't want to be in here.
This place is fucked up. And then the guy opens the door and I was like,

Speaker 1 what the fuck, dude? Where's your kids? And he was like, the one's like, rumbled away. Fully shamed him.
It's great. You got to feel handicapped for the first time.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I am handicapped. I've made the argument: if you have two kids in your car, you can park in a handicapped spot, you're fully handicapped.

Speaker 1 It'd be easier to get around in a wheelchair. Put me in a fucking wheelchair

Speaker 1 with this. Piece of cake, dude.
Too many handicapped spots now in America.

Speaker 1 I went to a theme park. I went to Kings Island in Cincinnati.
It was a theme park.

Speaker 1 You can't get it. I paid extra for the premium parking.
Well behind the handicap. That's a whole fucking handicap.
That's a whole handicap. I will say they reduce the number of handicapped spots or

Speaker 1 start checking. Here's what I say.
Reduce the number of handicapped spots.

Speaker 1 Well, if it should be, if you want the classic blue and white logo, yeah, you have to have like some sort of proof on your windshield of like what you're working with.

Speaker 1 If you're just fat handicapped, there should be a handicap with just a small FAT. So just there should be regular handicap and then just purely fat handicap.

Speaker 1 They should make you watch ads too.

Speaker 1 I want handicapped.

Speaker 1 There's no ads. Just a Carls Jr.
ad.

Speaker 1 They help you change. It should be a slightly smaller pass.
They do that on, fuck, what is it?

Speaker 1 Southwest Airlines. Because you can pay to get on first to try to get those first four seats so you have super leg room.
But then it's like, you'll have people in wheelchairs and it's like, whatever.

Speaker 1 I don't think they're even allowed in those front seats. But then you'll get fat handicap and you're just like, you son of a bitch.
I know you're taking those two front seats, you motherfuckers.

Speaker 1 Just standing there, no, nothing, just no wheelchair, no cane, just

Speaker 1 crushing some new balances, leaning forward. Have you actually had the experience of getting stuck next to a significantly obese person on a flight?

Speaker 1 No. I've had people complain about my back being too big.

Speaker 1 I've discovered it's Southwest tricks. I've been buying two seats just in case.

Speaker 1 Please start lassing, lads. He's too small.
I've got to move on Southwest now. That I do.
What do you do? Because you're walking down the aisle and everyone's window seat, aisle seat in the middle.

Speaker 1 You look for people who look like they know each other who are spread out and you sit in between them and then they feel uncomfortable with the stranger sitting between them that they will give you either the aisle or the window.

Speaker 1 Usually,

Speaker 1 yes, this is my move.

Speaker 1 I don't ever upgrade it. I purposely do late, like boarding group C or whatever, because single man, I'm trying to, I go in there and just like scope at it.
There's like a pretty girl,

Speaker 1 just sit totally next to us. I was like, whoa, that's so crazy.
We sat next to each other.

Speaker 1 Like, I sat next to you. Do you know this Tulsa a lot?

Speaker 1 Last time I flew, I didn't mean to do this on purpose, but I sat next to like a pretty

Speaker 1 Latin lady, which is kind of my favorite. And I have, like, I carry a rosary with me usually.
and I had it in my pocket. And I thought,

Speaker 1 I thought I left it. I thought I dropped it.
I was like, very loud.

Speaker 1 Did I drop my rosary?

Speaker 1 Oh, no, it's in my pocket. Thank goodness.
Oh, hey, what's up? I'm sorry if it's uncomfortable pushing up against you enormous Latina ass. I dropped my rosary in magnum condom.
Excuse me.

Speaker 1 I have to get on your mouse. Just get out of here.

Speaker 1 Did you just let it drop out of the side of your hands like this? Like every roofer's tattoo.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I just have it kind of like dangling out of one pocket. Like, oh, what's oh, rosary.

Speaker 1 What'd she say? Oh, I didn't, I didn't, I, she didn't say anything, but

Speaker 1 no, no. I wish to, that would have, that would have been it for me.
I would have probably come with my pain. So I got Dios Meo.
Thank God she didn't tempt you. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go to Southwest and just stand next to the stewardess the whole time. Like, oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we could just sit wherever you want to.

Speaker 1 I'm sitting in the cockpit. I'm going to the trail.
True.

Speaker 1 I want to finally get. I wonder if I dress my son up or one of them like a little pilot and I say he loves this.
Oh, he loves pilots. They wouldn't let you fly.

Speaker 1 No, but maybe they'd let him in there and I'd get to accompany him into the car. You can do that.
If you're bored, you can be like, My kid wants to look in. That's my plan.
They don't let you in.

Speaker 1 They're just him. It's like, oh, what the hell?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I wouldn't allow that.
True. I'm not with those pilots with all their dude.
Every pilot looks exactly the same. For the most part, I would say 80% of pilots look exactly the same.

Speaker 1 Same haircut. Same salt and pepper.
Same build. It's crazy.

Speaker 1 Same voice on the intercom. Same exactly.
Talk exactly the same. That might be some sort of thing they learned to do for air traffic controls.
They talk all the time.

Speaker 1 You guys watched the rehearsal, right? I loved it. I haven't seen it.
I love it. I heard it's good.

Speaker 1 All right, so there's kind of an explanation for it.

Speaker 1 And it's like, if you express any kind of personal shortcomings, people start to look at you because it's like that leads down a path of like, is this guy suffering from like a mental health thing spoiler alert they're all very autistic dude yeah yeah yeah yeah maybe it attracts a certain type or maybe you mold yourself into the right type but in the last episode uh nathan actually does a

Speaker 1 i guess a commercial flight in a 737 with an actual pilot as his co-pilot and the guy completely goes like normal spongebob and like seems to not even have a thought the entire time whoa and they yeah they're showing him like try to talk to him the guy's like what and they're just doing what Back and forth.

Speaker 1 And Nathan was like, I thought you were about to say something. And the guy goes, no, if I think anything that I have to say, I'll say it out loud.
And then just eyes forward the entire flight.

Speaker 1 There's no, like, what's up, man? You see the game. Yeah, yeah.
It's just none of that. They do, they either do not think or they are able to suppress every thought that they have.
Whoa. Pretty weird.

Speaker 1 Dude, I've been watching The Accountant 1 and 2. Dude, how is 2? I want to see it real quick.
Pretty sick. It leans into kind kind of like the bromanceman, him and his brother a lot.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I've been wondering if like altists are kind of like an adaptation to live in kind of a more like computerized society.

Speaker 1 And two, they are using the altist kids from the academy as like kind of like

Speaker 1 their own little powerhouse to gather information. I'm like, dude, we're going to be these guys are going to be hot.
We need farms for these people. Yeah, these guys.

Speaker 1 That's why Bill Gates is vaccinating Africa.

Speaker 1 he wants his own little autistic army

Speaker 1 he wants the autist squad if we're gonna finally turn this into a techno futurist regime they may have a gift of the autistic he's got to be careful because then they can hit they can hit him with a little dragon ball z take the whole place down drop the power grid they'll be in there fucking

Speaker 1 trying to move like a vote trying to move water bottles with their mouths i watched that get that video last night of the dude like like showing his progress of like moving water bottles and stuff and i was like how is he doing that

Speaker 1 This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by dude wipes.

Speaker 1 Riff prompts. When you wipe, are you sitting or standing? I started out sitting today, and then I actually actually, I'm not lying, I got saved by dude wipes today.

Speaker 1 I was in the bathroom taking a dump at Shane's house, and

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Speaker 1 Accidentally, have you ever got it on your hand? I think you ever remember. I did it.
It literally happened to me today. Like, I got it just a tiny bit on my hand.
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But, yeah,

Speaker 1 I've been going around for the last like three days pretending I'm the accountant pretty much the whole time. It's pretty sick.
The accountant's such a big W for white guys. Yeah.
For white dorks.

Speaker 1 It's huge, dude. It's crazy.

Speaker 1 I'll watch any bro movie with Bernthal. He's really good in that role.
He's great. Like Fury, that was...
I re-watch Fury pretty often, too. That's a great bro movie if you guys have never seen that.

Speaker 1 Bernthal's a, yeah, I was trying to tell Brittany. I was like, dude, he's like, maybe he's like the best.
He's really good. Everything I've ever seen him in, he's just spazzing, does a good job.

Speaker 1 I don't like the lollipops and they count in two. That's my one gripe.

Speaker 1 He just has lollipops in his mouth all the time. It's like just a thing.
I'm like, dude, come on. Fucking lollipop out of here.
It's like a toothpick. I wonder if he made that.

Speaker 1 It was his own, like, oh, I'm going to method.

Speaker 1 I wondered if he methoded.

Speaker 1 What if he sucked lollipops the whole time? That's what I was thinking about. I'm like, dude, if he put this in himself, I'll make this.

Speaker 1 I was wondering if Bernthal is.

Speaker 1 Well, all right. You remember when like the Shyla Buff stuff happened? Yeah.
And Bernthal was like his bro in his corner the whole time? Yeah. And he was doing like podcasts.

Speaker 1 Like, Bernthal actually thinks he is the Punisher in real life. Oh, I know.
He thinks he is like the

Speaker 1 hard-nosed

Speaker 1 grit man.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And not just like a

Speaker 1 thespian, but a bisexual theater kid. Well, no one else is a mask actor.
There's a big absence of masculine. Timothy Chalamet is the leading man for everything.
He's a womanly. He's got that mask.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He's a waste of time.

Speaker 1 Who's the Spider-Man now? Tom Holland. Tom Holland.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm fond of Tom. He's a British and guy.
Yeah, Bernthal is masked. It's honestly cool.
These guys are all the same. Well, here's the thing.

Speaker 1 To be fair, every movie I watch, I'm like, yeah, I'm that guy. For at least two weeks and it wears off.
If I was the character,

Speaker 1 it would warp me, dude. I would completely think I'm a Navy SEAL.
So I think it's a hazard of the industry. He's been so method for so long.
He's been so method. I think

Speaker 1 he's lost in the role. I think he's tough now.

Speaker 1 I guess so, man.

Speaker 1 I swear to God.

Speaker 1 I'm still watching the rest of the accountant, too. I haven't finished it yet.
So in my head, I'm like, nah, he's tough as fuck, dude. Like, you have no idea.

Speaker 1 He could could beat up a whole room of people. Probably could.
It's basically perfectly manifesting in his brain, just him doing these like tough guy roles.

Speaker 1 It's just like became like his inner monologue. He's like, I'm the tough guy.
When we watch the podcast you were talking about, him and Shia LaBooth, they do talk like

Speaker 1 I don't even, like, it's like a mix of like Navy SEALs and like Trollo Gambring.

Speaker 1 It's all different language, home brothers, yeah, brother. Brother, let me tell you something about this, brother.
They talk like macho man. You have to think about yourself, brother.

Speaker 1 You know, as a man, and I'm coming to you as a man, and you're bad, you're a man. And then they just, the only word they're saying is man for upwards of three minutes.

Speaker 1 How long have we been brothers for, brother? Let me tell you something. Man, I don't know, brother.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something about brother. Brother, about as long as I've been a man.

Speaker 1 It's one of the all-time stories. Relatively recently.
It's one of the greatest podcasts ever recorded. Look, I'm not down with you hitting your pushing your wife, brother, but I get it, brother.

Speaker 1 I'm here for you in the corner. I'll grab you when you go to hit your wife.
I'll be, I'm that kind of guy that's grabbing your arms, driving my dick into your back.

Speaker 1 But I'm not going to, I'm not right with that. If you want to punch your wife in the face, look, man to man, I get it.

Speaker 1 Brother to brother, that's a different story. I'm going to jump in front of the fist.
And if my head hits her head, that's on her. She can remove.

Speaker 1 Doing bull shots on a guy's wife.

Speaker 1 Clink me in the corner. Maybe I'll bounce off and catch her in the fucking nose.
But look, brother. Yeah, it's the best.
Those two.

Speaker 1 If you want to jack off in a chair while I punch her in the face, brother, that's your prerogative, man.

Speaker 1 I actually tombstoned my ex-wife and killed her. It was an accident.
It was a tragic accident. I threw my wife off of hell in a cell, brother.

Speaker 1 I was actually thinking about that.

Speaker 1 I think yesterday. I was thinking about thinking about Shia LaBeouf.
I like Shia La Bouffee. I like Shia a lot.
I like him a lot. But I was thinking, like...

Speaker 1 I think he's still with that lady. I don't know.
I could be wrong.

Speaker 1 The FK, the Twigs? No, he got back with his wife.

Speaker 1 Oh, so that wasn't his his wife he wait he didn't he hit his girlfriend he i didn't did he hit fka twigs or maybe it was a push fka twigs that he yeah and again i don't know if it was like a push i don't know i thought he intentionally gave her a sexually transmitted disease i think that's also and then she wrote a great album about it called you sexua which is you know maybe it's not even about it's about movements it's a great album great art has come out of that intentional style yeah i don't okay so that's on the record that he just didn't tell her i don't know she he apologized but he was very vague about it it's not clear what he's fully converted to, fully converted to Catholicism, apologized.

Speaker 1 I kind of like his arc so far. He was, I hadn't seen his, I didn't see him.

Speaker 1 But he was out in, he came to the club. He was at the mothership like a couple months ago.
Really? He watched the show. He was lively and he had his dad there.

Speaker 1 And then I was looking him up on the internet. And I think the night before he was arrested for jaywalking because he kept calling a policeman silly.

Speaker 1 Like he went to cross a main road and the policeman said, you can't do that. And he said, you're being silly.
You're a silly policeman. He said the word silly about that.
That'll piss off a cop.

Speaker 1 Call a cop silly. They're not going for silly.
Yeah, I think silly is one of the, I mean, it's a great thing to call a cop, isn't it? Yeah, it's literally the last thing they want to hear.

Speaker 1 Don't be silly. Oh, you're being silly, man.

Speaker 1 Because they're not silly at all. They're serious.
It's the most serious men usually. Yeah.
It's much better than pig.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they'd rather.

Speaker 1 At least there's like anger behind pig. If you're like, dude, you're being a little silly.

Speaker 1 Also, pig is such a standard, like, go-to. Silly is like, wow, this guy has some beef with me for sure.

Speaker 1 This guy's fucking with my head yeah

Speaker 1 but yeah i just knew something went down i don't know what happened but i i just thought about my thought was like say you did say you were on record though because you know you like people the details come out people just assume when they hear there was any sort of like assault or aggravation there they assume you like beat the hell out of her yes and you know court of public opinion kind of thing when you jump back into the dating pool i wonder like if if a girl dates you after hearing publicly that you were beating

Speaker 1 or is it like what's up with that like you know is it like, are they like, okay, well, I know what I'm signing up for? Like, are there girls out there being like, oh, she was being a pussy?

Speaker 1 Of course, your boyfriend shoves you.

Speaker 1 That's what I was wondering about. There's got to be girls out there that are like, yeah, for sure.
It's Italian women. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was all. It was just a stupid thought in my car.
I'm sure there's girls that are about it like that, though. Getting shoved.
Yeah. And they'll give it back.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Chris Brown's reputation has not been hurt with his woman. There you go.
That's a good one. Ladies love Chris Brown.
And his Wikipedia page is nuts. If you go to the controversies page on Chris Brown,

Speaker 1 that wasn't an isolated Rihanna incident. He's hitting heaps of ladies.
Really? They're so horny for him, though.

Speaker 1 He's like, have you seen the videos of him just like at his show, just humping girls on stage? Yeah, the meeting greets.

Speaker 1 By the way,

Speaker 1 taking pictures with Chris Brown.

Speaker 1 They love that he's socking girls because it's like, that means eventually enough of these girls are going to get socked and dropped out, then I'm going to have a chance. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm like 230 thousandth in line. If he could just, all I know is

Speaker 1 I gotta just be able to take one good one and I'm set for life. True,

Speaker 1 he's gonna be dancing on me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's his lawyer must have like the fund that, like, just one savings account just for like smacking the lady fund. The smack fund, smack funds.
He was smacking them.

Speaker 1 He was getting kind of low, Chris. It wasn't even just girls he was dating.
It was like someone who was looking after his dog, someone who did his hair. Wait, what? Have you read this?

Speaker 1 He beat his dog off? Everyone can get it. Chris Brown is.
His dog or

Speaker 1 his dog. Allegedly.
Sorry, allegedly. I have to keep saying allegedly.
But it's a big controversy's Wikipedia page, and it's almost all. What is the controversy? What's the alleged controversy?

Speaker 1 There's one after another. No, there's like 20.
Oh, assaults.

Speaker 1 Allegedly. Really?

Speaker 1 Well, he was arrested.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, he just got re-arrested recently.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he threw. Yeah.

Speaker 1 pop, yeah. It's like a big one.
It was like one of those, I think it was fat square boys.

Speaker 1 I could be wrong,

Speaker 1 it was either tall and long or fat and square. At this point, if you piss off Chris Brown, isn't it kind of your fault? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It's like, obviously, he has a history of being a bit of a hothead. You know, it's like maybe just keep your distance from him.
I don't know. That would suck.

Speaker 1 You're just recording like very sexual RB. You're kind of chubbed up.
You're like, this is kind of weird. You guys beat your ass.

Speaker 1 That'd be getting your ass kicked as a sound engineer to RB would be crazy. Yeah.
That would suck, dude. Imagine if Boys and Men just stomped you, dude.

Speaker 1 Just DP'd you. They had to.
I think Boys and Men were stomping? Oh, yeah. You're getting punched with like very extravagant rings on their hands and shit.

Speaker 1 That shit sucks. That one guy comes into the back.
You're getting kicked with a loafer that's softer than anything you've ever felt before.

Speaker 1 They're like, damn, I'm going to grab one from my pillowcase.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I never thought about that. That sucks.
Well, hopefully, Chris Brown figures it out, man. Can't be doing it.
Prisoner recording studios see a lot of fights. I think a lot.

Speaker 1 And it's like a guy comes in for, you know, maybe a verse, or maybe, you know, he brought in a beat. Yeah.
And then like another guy doesn't like him.

Speaker 1 And it just, it just turns into like a Kai Sonat stream. True.
Probably pretty frequently. That's a good point.
There's just girls twerking and guys screaming, and no one understands what's going on.

Speaker 1 It's got to be such a stressful environment. And you get a platinum record out of it.
It's like the formula worked once. Prisoner makes diamonds.
It's true.

Speaker 1 Prischa makes diamonds. True.
You gotta have, you have a cool, easy recording studio. Yeah, I've always wanted to be in the studio like that.

Speaker 1 I've never been, I never got the stew, cook up in the stew. Cooking the stew, yeah.

Speaker 1 You got all your jewelry on, you're wearing sunglasses, you got like a cup of something, and you're just like vibing to the beat, and no one is sure if they like the song yet or not, but everyone's just like, we gotta keep up, we gotta keep the vibe going.

Speaker 1 True, that's a lot of pressure. Yeah, man.
If you're the guy who's like, this is kind of ass, you might get turned on by everyone else in the room.

Speaker 1 I saw a video of Tupac blowing up because he thought there was too much of this going on in the green room. This was recently on a reel.
He comes in and goes, quit messing around.

Speaker 1 We got girls dancing. We've got people popping champagne.

Speaker 1 Let's make some music. We're going to do it one at a time.
You can produce it later. Get my verse now.

Speaker 1 And it was sort of prophetic because he had so many verses recorded when he died. He didn't know how much time he had left.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, apparently, rappers now, all of them have like hundreds and hundreds of songs. So you provide for your loved ones after you take too many drugs on a plane to Australia.
Rest in peace.

Speaker 1 They should just release all those songs as like podcasts. Like, if you're just rapping too much, you might as well just do podcasts.
Yeah, exactly. Well, a lot of rappers are moving.

Speaker 1 Juice World had a bunch of songs. Juice World had like three albums come out after.
And he died on a plane to Australia.

Speaker 1 I think he was worried about a drug dog, and he had some drugs on him, so he took all of them to get off the plane. It's very sad.
What? Yeah.

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Speaker 1 He's done drugs, but never had more than like one Xanax.

Speaker 1 Seriously, how he died? Yeah, I think that's how he had a drug. So he had a ton of drugs on him, and he goes, he's already gotten through.
He's nervous at TSA.

Speaker 1 I think he food private and he came down. They said, this country's very uptight about drugs.
He went, well, I better have every pill that's on me right now.

Speaker 1 And then he took them and then he was out. What?

Speaker 1 Australia strikes again. It's very sad.
They weren't. I don't know.
I went there that one time. I had a

Speaker 1 fake vax card. You guys didn't catch that.

Speaker 1 Probably had a weed pen, if I had a guess.

Speaker 1 Australia, you can get anything through Australia. We put up a bit.
Our signs are very spooky. I think it's easier to get things in than, yeah.
We have a whole TV show about it,

Speaker 1 which is Border Patrol, I think it's called, where we get... It's a whole TV show about Chinese people.
Australia comes into the bottom. They're just standing at the ocean, like, hey,

Speaker 1 they're at the airport and they just go through like Chinese people's bags. Like, what is this? You can't have this fish.
Yeah, you can't bring a lot of fruit. I didn't notice that.

Speaker 1 Like, fruit and all that other stuff. Contraband, bro.
Very big on fruit. I accidentally brought a stick home from Australia.

Speaker 1 Any cool sticks? Did you say something about it, or were you able to bring it with you?

Speaker 1 It passed, bro.

Speaker 1 I've got those things through, dude. My stick.

Speaker 1 It was in my pocket. I forgot it was in there.
It was a cool stick. It was like a bare, very bare, smooth stick, and I brought it back from Australia.
Probably crippled the U.S.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, that's my hoback.

Speaker 1 This would sound silly, but the first time I was in America, I did see a cool rock, and I brought it home. Did you? I wanted to bring home a piece of American rock.
Did you?

Speaker 1 Are you allowed to bring rocks from America to Australia? No one questioned the. It was like a pebble.
It was like a nice pebble. I brought a pebble.

Speaker 1 I brought a nice pebble from Italy back to America. It was weird.

Speaker 1 You see a handsome rock. You're like, I'm going to bring this back with them.
There's an energy here. There's a lot of accomplished geo-smugglers around here.
This is crazy.

Speaker 1 You're not supposed to take them from Hawaii, though. I heard the kapunas or something like that.
What's kapuna? What's the spirits?

Speaker 1 You take nothing from Hawaii. I would take it to be like, I don't believe in kapunas.
You'd be fucked then. Zuckerberg must be in trouble with the kapunas right now.

Speaker 1 Doesn't he have like a giant volcanic fucking bunker in Hawaii? I hope so. I don't know.
He does. I think so.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he apparently scored a lot of property over there. There's the underground cities that the rich are building to keep them safe from whatever's happening right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to be a top side mutant.

Speaker 1 You got to to put your topside mutant will be sad. Can I wait to be a topside mutant and torture the underground rich people? Banging on the manhole covers.
We're going to come down there.

Speaker 1 So fun.

Speaker 1 I think America might be going to war now. You think so with Iran? I think it's happening now.
Yeah, USA officially joins war. It's just happened.
Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Against Iran? Against Iran.

Speaker 1 What the freaking hell?

Speaker 1 Hope they don't use any dirty bombs. That's what I'm worried about.
Those goddamn bioweapons.

Speaker 1 Us or them.

Speaker 1 Us or them, you mean?

Speaker 1 I mean, none of them. You want to fail and you want to fail.
COVID doesn't break out again during this war.

Speaker 1 This is so much worse than the Declaration of.

Speaker 1 I mean, like, Churchill gets to go, we will fight them on the beaches.

Speaker 1 Trump's going,

Speaker 1 these guys have defensive equipment and plenty of drones. It doesn't compare to American-made manufactured stuff.
Yeah. Nobody does it better than the good old US of A in terms of war.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, we wouldn't have to do it. we would absolutely smash Iran, obviously.

Speaker 1 But it's like, can't we just say we're not going to war and then just kind of send like secret agents to do it or whatever? The old-fashioned the way we've been doing it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can we just destabilize their economy, like gentlemen? Use like a proxy.

Speaker 1 Be polite. Use proxies.
So wait, why are we doing it, not just having Israel do it and being like, goddamn it?

Speaker 1 I don't. I think Trump got too excited.
I think the public was obviously just provide Israel everything they need to destabilize the part of the Muslim world that we don't like forever.

Speaker 1 And he thinks maybe I could win a war. Just like Ukraine and Russia.
Yeah. And then he was just like, we should actually jump in there and see what's up.

Speaker 1 What if Bibi just has crazy Riz and nobody knows about it?

Speaker 1 He's like, come on, Trump. Come on.
He's so sick. He's very charismatic.
Brother, it'll go so sick. It is funny that a dude named Bibik started a

Speaker 1 drive war. Possibly World War III.

Speaker 1 BB. I mean, who would join Iran? China's not joining with Iran.
Russia, Russia,

Speaker 1 Russia. God dang it.

Speaker 1 I think China reported, but China's so tied up with Africa right now. Are they? Yeah, they're going to milk Africa.
They really need to stay focused. They don't want to get into a war.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're not set up for it either. Good.
Well, that's good. So it'll be Russia, Iran.
What a fucking scrap.

Speaker 1 You know who, I mean, if they turned the lights off and played their music, it would get a big pop in the main event if North Korea woke up right now.

Speaker 1 Off the ropes. You forgot all about it.
He was out with an injury. You know what I mean? And then WrestleMania comes.
It's like, North Korea. I just don't think their missiles can reach.

Speaker 1 I don't think they can do anything, but who cares? It'd be sick if they just dropped in Fortnite style.

Speaker 1 There's the Rey Mysterio of

Speaker 1 small guy. You don't think you should have an impact.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 let him get away with that.

Speaker 1 So it could be, in theory, Iran and Russia versus Israel and the United States. United States.
Well, then, like, also probably France and like kind of EU countries are probably going to join

Speaker 1 all of our pets. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't you think yeah, I guess they'd have to.

Speaker 1 I would assume.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 Germany, all those guys. The classics.
They can send their 15 bicycles.

Speaker 1 Fire up Egypt.

Speaker 1 You can fire Egypt.

Speaker 1 Because what countries are we tight with that are in that area? It's Egypt.

Speaker 1 I feel a lot of cities right now. Saudi Arabia is huge.
They just give us a golden jet.

Speaker 1 I think you've probably got Iraq. What's left of Iraq is probably

Speaker 1 isn't Jordan on our side, too? I think Jordan, it's always the king of Jordan, I think, think, is like chilling. Yeah.
So I think it will be fine. That's, dude, that'll be crazy.

Speaker 1 I've been thinking about how badly if I was leaving high school this year,

Speaker 1 I'd probably,

Speaker 1 and my circumstances were the same as when I actually graduated high school. I probably

Speaker 1 would find a way to enlist and become a drone operator. I think it's...
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's the same.

Speaker 1 I actually, it sucks that I didn't get to fantasize that the same way I got to fantasize about being an Army sniper, where it was completely unrealistic and would have never happened.

Speaker 1 But now they've seen your Rocket League abilities. Now they say, how do you join a different kind of rocket league? Use like Xbox controllers.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I, and, and then the reality of it is also cool where you're like, kind of just in the back of a truck wearing a headset, and all of like the actual grunts are laughing at you, and no one respects you, but it's like, yeah, whatever, dude, I'm locked in right now.

Speaker 1 And you can twitch it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're like one of those, one of the guys who's like, let's go check.

Speaker 1 Really? Like the dudes in dew with like the pink? I mean, the blue eyes are like,

Speaker 1 yeah, the navigators. The men tap.
Like the quants or whatever.

Speaker 1 As probably happens, every professional Twitcher that gets caught saying the n-word on the stream, the government knocks up, like, we have got two options. We have a job for you.

Speaker 1 Come here now.

Speaker 1 I'll be in the back of the truck and let the squad humiliate me while I drone strike people. That would be so sick.
It's nothing but killstreaks. It's got to fucking rock, man.

Speaker 1 It would be Fucking awesome.

Speaker 1 You had the cold-blooded perk on? You're like, fuck, dude. I got all my perks.
I was prestiged, actually.

Speaker 1 You have your gamer clan, just like XX, whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. You mad is actually the clan tag.

Speaker 1 I think we did an hour, dude. Right, Gardines?

Speaker 1 I get a P.

Speaker 1 I can tell. 53.

Speaker 1 Let's fucking power through. It's 53.

Speaker 1 I've had a pee for the last 30 minutes. I smell really bad.
Do you smell? Yeah, I made sure to go. I thought when you told me to come by, I was like, I got to immediately go shower.
I can't smell bad.

Speaker 1 Really? Well, no, I showered. I did everything.
And I'm on a new kick. I'm trying to take care of myself.
I'm just trying to make, I've started sleeping.

Speaker 1 Dude, sleeping with a TV on for

Speaker 1 40 years. 40 years.
40 years.

Speaker 1 So I've taken the television out of our bedroom. Oh, nice.
And we're on, I haven't even completed a week of it yet, but but so far, so good. And then I got a mattress topper.

Speaker 1 It turns out my bed was very uncomfortable, and that was probably a part of it. So now I'm sleeping like a fucking king.
How's your stack?

Speaker 1 I haven't got, I haven't gotten to the Tupperware bin full of supplements yet, but it's still being unpacked. That'll be there, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I was at Walmart and I grabbed the same deodorant I get, but aluminum-free. Oh, nice.
It's not working at all. Stinky.
I smell so bad right now.

Speaker 1 I'd rather not wear deodorant at all than the aluminum free.

Speaker 1 I'm sticky and bleeding shirts and stuff. Yeah.
Dude, I don't wear it. I rarely wear it.
In the summer, I'll slap it on every now and again just because

Speaker 1 one of my kids will be like, dude, you fucking stink.

Speaker 1 This is my pheromones just fucking blasted.

Speaker 1 I would be better off going raw.

Speaker 1 I think you are, man. I go, I pretty much.

Speaker 1 Remember when Sid stopped wearing deodorant and everyone had to do it? I was just talking about this. What a psychopathic move.

Speaker 1 Sid did six months, no deodorant, and was in complete denial about how bad he reeked. It was filling rooms,

Speaker 1 he was changing shirts mid-conversation. What is his T-levels like, though? You know, did he get his Danographic for Desiliters checked? They're probably high, if I had to guess.

Speaker 1 Sids are probably off the charts, dude. If I had to guess, judging from just the smell.

Speaker 1 We drove to Atlantic. We drove to Atlantic City together to do a podcast, and it was like the windows in the car were bulging out from the smell.
It was so fucking bad.

Speaker 1 And you'd be like, yo, dude, you stink. He'd be like, I don't think it's me.
And

Speaker 1 it went nowhere. So fun.
It was like like a can of soup. People decided to back away from him.

Speaker 1 People started to leave his personal life. No,

Speaker 1 it was the green room in Helium. The one time, like, people were coming up to him.
Like, dude, you stink in this green room. And

Speaker 1 he finally accepted it. He was like, I stink.
I fucking, I stink. I've been stinking for six months.
Well, I'll give it to him because he wanted the no-deodorant life so bad, which I can respect.

Speaker 1 But he, for real, stunk. He was kicking off a stink.
There's no excuse, stupid.

Speaker 1 Which is alpha. I'm ashamed by the fact that I don't like.
If you powered through and he said, yes, I do stink. That's what I'm saying.
That's a completely different story. Hey, that's your problem.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he could have said, hey, that's your problem, man. Yeah, deal with it.
I love every aspect of myself.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I feel like the stink comes when I don't rock theater and I feel like when I'm really stressed out, that's when the stink comes. I feel like it's a response to like the way that I am.

Speaker 1 Inside. So if I try to flow, you should have a stink inside.
You stink outside. Exactly.
If you lose frame, you just start to stink.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I'm super. Sorry, I smell guys.
I'm super anxious right now

Speaker 1 that'll definitely dude sit down on the plane bust out the rosary boobs like hopefully i don't smell i've been worried all morning that is a big worry i keep a stick of deodorant whenever i fly because like i dude you didn't notice it when we were like going to like see sacramento and shit i was hitting the i was in the deode like just on a in the waiting area were you really yeah anytime i get on the plane i have to reapply because i just get so worried that people are like what's up with that that guy's deodorant dude i sit i don't wear deodorant on the plane i fart the entire time.

Speaker 1 I don't, if I, I'll give it a... Someone told me you told a story about me farting on the airplane.
It was the

Speaker 1 little kid turning around, and Butterly was farting.

Speaker 1 They were so bad. And this kid.
You kidded me. Do you remember the sound of the jet engine? No, no, no.
The smell. The smells were fucking horrendous.

Speaker 1 And this little boy in front of us would smell them and get so excited and turn around and just wide smile between the seats. And I couldn't stop.

Speaker 1 He was like telling his mom or dad, and they kept me like, dude, stop. It's like, they did it again, mom.
Was A McClock who it was, like, specifically, from just like. We were blaming each other.

Speaker 1 We were both blaming each other the entire time. And even the mom in front was laughing pretty hard.
I saw her shoulders quaking. It was, what a good sport the mom was.

Speaker 1 Probably started a lifelong perversion for that child.

Speaker 1 This kid couldn't have been happy. He was the only one on the plane.
Couldn't have been happy. That's a core memory of his.

Speaker 1 He was, dude. He smarted a core memory into his brain.

Speaker 1 Just sitting in the smell, being like, no, no, no, it's cool, it's cool. And then you see that fucking smile.
You're like, fuck.

Speaker 1 Mom, mom, they did it again. Mom, I don't know what he's talking about.

Speaker 1 Ma'am, could you shut your child up?

Speaker 1 No, I give myself like 10 farts, and then if I have to, I'll take a dump in the plane.

Speaker 1 10's the number.

Speaker 1 It's too much. Time to give them shit.
If I'm sitting next to a lady, guys, infinite. I'll fart.
When you fart next to a lady.

Speaker 1 I'll fart 10 times next to a lady.

Speaker 1 This crabby lady, farts are the worst punishment she can receive. I'm not allowed to strike her or raise my voice at her, but I can almost shit my pants at her.

Speaker 1 I've had some times recently where I'll be like, you know, end of the night, Brittany's in the bathroom doing whatever. And I'll be like naked.
And like, there's, she's in the bathroom.

Speaker 1 I'm in the bedroom, just naked, farting in the bed. And I'll be like, sitting there like, she has to hate hate me.
She must just be disgusted. There's literally just a creature.

Speaker 1 Well, the rage has to come out somewhere. You know, they don't say this about Chris Brown.
He never farts in front of a woman.

Speaker 1 That's where he starts to swing.

Speaker 1 That we know. Yeah, he might have to go.
That might be what all the farts come from. He just fucking rips.
Like, oh my God. He's like, shut the fuck up, bitch.
He wasn't.

Speaker 1 He was like, he wasn't in the fart.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. The big one was in the car with your hand.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Just Just crushed the car.

Speaker 1 Steamed the glass. The glass was melting.
Under shit and on a flight,

Speaker 1 there's a hack I've found. I don't know if people know this.
You're allowed to use the toilet before the plane takes off.

Speaker 1 So when they're doing that, I didn't know for years I thought you had to wait until you were in the sky and the seatbelt's off. If you're on the tarmac, you can.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And no one's in there.
No one's ever contesting for the first put on the plane.

Speaker 1 It's good. Everyone knows, like, if you do stick it up, the rest of the flight is like.

Speaker 1 If you take a brutal dump and they're like waiting to take off, and then you got to walk out of the whole plane, like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 Brittany.

Speaker 1 What? We've had to cancel the flight.

Speaker 1 Someone's left an awful mess in here. Brittany told me, she's like, go ask the stewardess for some coffee to bring into the bathroom with you.
It'll kill the smells. Like, I'm not fucking cold.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get fecal matter in the coffee. That's gross.
Yeah, that's like, hey, I'm not wasting the coffee. And B, it's like, no, I'm just going to take a shit.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to be like, hey, it's going to smell really bad when I poop. Can I have some coffee, please? It's like, absolutely not.

Speaker 1 Also, does coffee drive out the the smell of poop or would it just smell like poop and coffee?

Speaker 1 The white cut, they might cut it, but yeah, you need a lot, you need some strong beans.

Speaker 1 You should peel an orange while you ship in the bag.

Speaker 1 That's not a bad idea. It's like a yucky.
I mean,

Speaker 1 the match in toilet papers, obviously, or just lighting a match and throwing it in. That for real crushes the smell.

Speaker 1 They should let you vape on the plane, just in the bathroom, though, like to cover up the shit with like blueberry or whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. A little dreams of cult.

Speaker 1 All right, we made an hour. I have to pee so fucking bad.
My grace.

Speaker 1 Thanks for having me. Thank you for having me.

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