Ep 563 - No Nut Clarity (feat. Chris O'Connor & Dave Temple)

Wow, wow, wow, Wes.

Hey, welcome to Matt and Chain Seeker Podcast.

Here today with comedian Dave Temple and Chris O'Connor.

Nice.

Thanks for coming, guys.

This is the first time in this setup.

Never been in my.

I've done stuff in my like office office.

I don't think it was well received.

But yeah, this is

my first time revealing my office apartment.

Yeah.

Apartment office.

My little bop house.

My little content house.

This is what I really do.

I come here and I just masturbate for gay men.

right right yeah my only fans is popping yeah huge but stuff i just show my butthole yo dudes who get into that are fascinating like guy sex workers because i don't know i don't know how you get into faking sex as a man like i get it for ladies i don't think you do i think you just

come and you're like oh yeah yeah

i i meant that it's all about just getting paid i i actually i saw one of those things where you know they take like a super high-res picture of like your eye and make it like art.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I want to do that for my butt off.

That's kind of cool.

So people will like come stand in front of it and be like,

yeah, it's so close up and so detailed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They kind of don't know what it is.

Is that a Nautilus shell?

In a way, yes.

Just a bunch of capillaries and veins.

Like, is this the Grand Canyon?

Giant hemorrhoid.

It's the Colorado River, right?

Just get that put in like MoMA.

Yeah.

You could get that picture taken and just see what you're working with.

Yeah.

If you got a super close zoom on the new iPhone, you could probably get a good portrait mode.

Portrait mode would be nice.

Have any of you guys actually seen your butthole?

No.

Like it's never taken the time to actually bend over in front of a mirror and split your cheeks.

I'm pretty sure.

Straight into the mirror, you're saying?

Yeah, because I always wonder, I used to do a joke about this about like how did they come up with the concept of anal bleaching?

Yeah.

You know what what I mean?

Like, who saw their asshole to be dissatisfied with that?

Probably a girl.

Yeah, that's kind of nuts.

It was a girl for sure.

Absolutely.

She just saw she had a disgusting, like, hairy asshole.

And I was like, I got to.

Why not get it waxed?

Why would you bleach?

Do you bleach the hairs or the hole itself?

No, because your butthole gets stained with poo, I think.

Yeah, over time.

I think it gets time.

I think it gets time to be time.

Mine's got to be an absolute abyss just in

rings of Saturn.

It darkens up.

I haven't checked mine.

I don't know if it has.

What happens to me is I'll like bend down.

I'll just like, as soon as I'm done, I just get naked.

Like in my bedroom, I'm naked.

And then I'll go to plug up my phone charger and bend over in front of my wife.

And it'll just be, I'll feel like the air enter my asshole.

And I'll be like, fuck, she's looking right at my butthole.

I'm not too missed.

She runs up and blows in it.

There's no wind in the middle.

That'd be nice.

Yeah.

It's her gaze.

A little hand fan.

That'd be nice.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think I did look at my asshole once because I got a hairy asshole late in late.

Play the game.

Yeah, yeah.

You know how, like, I don't know.

Like, in college, I didn't have like chest hair.

Yeah.

And now I do.

Yeah.

You know, I don't know.

Yeah.

And I think there was at one point I was like, you know, wiping my ass and it was like real hairy.

And I was like, oh, that's weird.

And I wanted to get a look at like what it, what the, you know, what it looked like.

Yeah.

Yeah, you probably could sneak.

Yeah.

I didn't know if it was like a, you know, if it was patchy or whether it was like a nice, just clean.

It's like I had a good grain to it.

It's like even better than your beard.

You know what I mean?

It's just like, wow.

Yeah, you want to know if you had to treat it.

Right, right, right.

So, wait, you're saying fecal matter, it really smooths it.

It does.

It gives it a nice shape.

Is your asshole actually stained from poop?

I don't think it's stained from poop.

I don't know.

I don't think it's stained from poop.

I think the skin just stretches and stuff like that.

And kind of like, you know, that's what makes it dark.

I don't know.

True.

I think it's brown.

It's not brown.

Your asshole's like,

I think it's the color of like vagina lips.

You know what I mean?

There's like color concentration in those things.

I think, but you can't like bleach a vagina, can you?

Yeah.

Yeah, those people will put bleach.

You can do vagina plasties.

That's a new thing women are doing to like reduce their, like, to get like a certain look on their lips.

No meat curtains.

You're talking about the tuck them back in.

Exactly.

Yeah, rejuvenation.

Vaginal rejuvenation.

I'm against it, bro.

Are you?

Yes.

You got to leave those things.

You like a good ham and cheese sandwich.

Those are crazy.

Nobody cares.

It's like nobody gives a fuck.

I don't know.

There was a girl I dated once that had like a flap.

You know what I mean?

Like one side.

One side had a flap and it made it like it made entry more difficult.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

I know what you're talking about.

It's like that thing that hangs off a side.

I wouldn't mind that speech.

I don't think I'd mind that.

If I got to like LARP and be like, God damn, give me a second, babe.

I can't get it in.

Holy shit.

No,

on her part, it was more like, ow.

Oh, yeah.

Things in the world.

It's the worst.

Once a woman feels comfortable enough to complain during sex.

Yeah.

It's the sexual version of biting your lip.

Yeah.

True.

It sucks.

Ow.

Catching one of those during sex is not pleasant.

Oh, shit.

All right.

I'm done.

I can't continue now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just furious.

Ow.

Like, really?

Do you have to say it like that?

Ow.

All right.

Sorry.

Done this before 100 times.

Never had a problem.

Never.

What's the fucking problem now?

Ow.

Dude, yeah.

That was.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'll get a picture of my butthole tonight.

I'll tell you, I think we should get it, though, with the retina camp, you know, like the high.

Yes.

What lens is the best for that?

Yeah,

you want to be able to blow it up and put it on a billboard.

You know what I mean?

You want that level of resolution.

That would be dope dope to just have it hanging like over your couch.

You just don't say anything to anyone at all as far as it could look just like a star explode.

If you made it like a negative image, yeah, that would be cool.

It could like, yeah,

and then just have a very clear shot of your penis next to it.

Just slowly leave it, just slowly zoom out little by little throughout your house.

They finally like, oh, this is my bedroom.

Like, oh, this has been your fucking asshole the entire time.

Yeah, no, you'd have to, you'd have to do a little Photoshop, have it like bursting out of like a sand or something.

So it's like dune.

Yeah, true.

Dude,

I was just in Mexico

all weekend.

Might be my favorite country right now.

Yeah.

Mexico is sick, dude.

Really?

I'm like seriously considering.

I kept telling my wife the whole time.

I was like, I'm going to chug a gallon of water and just fully trans.

just have like a Mexican belly.

Yeah, yeah.

I just want to just like, I just want to completely switch over to the Mexican belly.

Yeah, just like whatever is in their water, I want that.

I'm going to go through, I'm going to go through shitting.

I'm going to shit for like a month.

And just, I want to keep drinking the water here, get it imported, and just have a Mexican belly.

Dude, I get a Mexican belly every once in a while.

If I go on like a straight beer bender, you know what I mean?

Like no hard alcohol, three, four days in, I get a Mexican belly.

Do you really?

Yeah.

Get Montezumas or fans.

Dude, it's probably, it might be my favorite place.

I've been like traveled traveled outside the U.S.

in a while.

It was fucking awesome.

Where in Mexico?

Yeah, what city were you?

Riviera Maya.

So I was in the Yucatan Peninsula.

And I didn't know that.

I was just like, because I've been reading about the Mayans just getting absolutely butt-fucked by the Spaniards.

They devastated themselves beforehand.

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

But I was reading about that.

So I knew all the towns.

They were like Campecha, all these towns.

And I'm like, I know where that is.

This is the Yucatan Peninsula.

Like, dude, you're in the Yucatan Peninsula.

I was like, all right, my bad.

Oh, yeah.

But dude, it was, dude, it was so sick.

It was in the jungle.

Like, at nighttime, like little, they weren't monkeys.

They're called like Cape Capers or Capuchins?

Something.

I don't know what the fuck they were, but they looked like raccoons mixed with monkeys.

And they would just come out at nighttime and scurry.

It was fucking sick.

That's awesome.

I hired a bunch of guys in the Yucatan to try to build a healthcare website for the Chinese.

Jesus,

are you a Spaniard?

Christopher Cortez.

Hold on, hold on.

I swear to God.

You hired a bunch of people from the Yucatan to build a Chinese website?

Yeah, I like that.

It's like a crazy triangulation.

Yeah, it was like, I don't know.

It was early on in stand-up, and I was like, you know, you just do any job you could possibly find.

And I was like coaching youth lacrosse.

And one of the dads put me in touch with this doctor who was Chinese.

And he was like, I need a website made.

And I was like, I can do that.

I had no idea how to do that.

So

I found these dudes in the Yucatan that would build websites for like super cheap.

And I hired them and they just built like kind of the shittiest.

Wait, were they like standing outside of a Home Depot with a laptop?

See?

Website?

See?

In front of a best buy, I know.

Chinese doctor websites.

See, senor.

Yeah.

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Dude, I had an itchy asshole for a while and I started hitting the wipes and it did help.

That's huge.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I mean, especially when I travel, when I'm in a hotel, it's like I'm always just cursing myself.

I don't have the wipes on me because in a hotel, when I travel, my ass, I can talk about this for an hour.

Dude, my ass just goes haywire when I travel.

Well, this is the first time I ever had like a chronic itchy asshole.

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This was like,

yeah, just had to start plaguing me.

You know what I mean?

We're early in the morning, you're trying to get sleep an extra hour, and you just can't because your asshole is so fast squirming in bed.

Well, guys, dude, wipes, best clean, pants down, available on amazon and at major retailers nationwide i was laughing about the immigrant uh what you want to call it the it wasn't a parade the protests

i was laughing about that the other day it was just the fire parade no way there was mexican dudes at that parade at that not parade protest

they're never anywhere like fun they're always like at work yeah which is that's where they've been getting most of them is like at work and then like pulling up on them at graduation was cold-blooded but also genius they heard them at graduation they were getting them at like high school graduations in LA.

What?

Yeah.

Like, literally, they would just wait for it.

You'd shake all your teachers' hand or just be an ICE agent, like, hey, congratulations.

Basically, it was just like, apparently, like, ICE pulled up to the graduation, and they're just like making note of who's clapping at Spanish names.

And then, like, people kind of became aware of it.

And then you just saw a mass exodus.

People just started running off the fucking graduation.

People are like really upset.

Yeah, I wonder how much of that because I've actually art wasn't our neighbors in Philly.

well there was our neighbors but they're they're like friends or cousins are ice agents and i've talked to them and they're like dude it's nowhere we're not doing any of this stuff they're saying we're doing it oh really they've claimed like it's all just internet skits

it's key and peel sketch

i could be wrong i don't know it's just drewski

they could be biased i don't know it would be funny to just buy an ice agent costume

if we don't know what an ice Agent looks like.

Like, we all just heard these terms for five years.

Well, I think they're dressed like striker for Mortal Kombat.

That's exactly.

If that protest, if they did get immigrants there, that would be genius.

But, guys, we're going to go surround Ice Agents.

They just drop a giant fucking net.

I got you, motherfuckers.

I got you.

I got you.

It's fucking like finding Nemote is just a little Mexican kid.

Swim down.

Swim down.

Abajo.

I love Mexican immigrants.

I think they're fucking sick.

I like them.

Everyone i've ever met has been awesome i've never met a uh murderer or rapist no no yeah but i'm sure it's all bar backs yeah it's all

it's all dudes just working hard as hell yeah man so although yeah so i've never met a murderous they're very usually very uptight about the law i remember i was driving this mexican guy when i was working i just started smoking a joint in my car and he looked at me like the fuck are you doing i was like man relax he's like no dude i'm we get pulled over i'm fucked and i was like oh yeah my bad yeah they're scared then he tried to rape me

said hey buddy that's it we don't like that kind of stuff in this country that's enough of that man he didn't know that was against the law he didn't know

that was this is what we do i wonder where they hide all of the hot mexican women i know they have to exist because like selena was hot yes but like where do you get more selenas you know what i mean like I saw some babes down in the Yucatan.

Yeah.

Being honest.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

I think the hot ones, they don't come here.

We get the workhorses.

Right, right.

And they're on an American diet and they just, you know what I mean?

That's the other thing.

I like, I was just in San Antonio.

Everyone down there is fucking fat as shit.

Right.

And it's just like a like

it's not from Mexican food, though.

Like, oh, you guys came over here and started eating our shit to excess.

You know what I mean?

You're not cooking.

Because I don't think, like, I get it.

Rice and beans is kind of starchy, but not like that.

Yeah, and it's not going to balloon you like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a.

I think their bodies can't handle it, too.

I think that's like an actual thing.

Like they didn't, they didn't evolve with our shitty food.

They were like over there.

Yeah.

And then we just showed up and their bodies like don't, they're like, they're used to like storing fat for like a really long time.

They're used to like starving.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

They're more keto.

They're intermittent fasting for like months at a time.

I swear to God, I don't know when I saw like a PBS documentary that was just like the Mexican.

We've missed the real.

And it was just showing like it was just you know where they like cut people's heads off and they just showed their fat bodies it was just showing like Mexicans and stuff walking around and the just their like the fat is in all weird places yeah man yeah I mean it there

I swear

this is true I swear to God it's PBS maybe they they hit a point if they have enough American food they become like Russian nesting dolls

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But no,

when I was in the Yucatan, I,

you know,

I didn't see a lot of them, man.

It was just, it was like kind of like slender Mexican babes.

Yeah, so

tight ponytails.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm not lusting after them.

I was just saying it was, it was.

It was, yeah, you didn't see nobody no.

You didn't see like the lines,

like the linemen, women.

You know what I mean?

Like the offensive line ladies.

Yeah.

Yeah, the tortoise.

You didn't see tortoise.

I didn't see any tortoise.

But there are.

It is interesting because I feel like

I'm confused.

Are there indigenous Mexicans or indigenous Mexicans, the Indians, who are down there?

That's what I was kind of thinking about.

Yeah, they're the Mayans.

Huh?

The Mayans were like Indians.

Yeah, they were Indians.

Yeah, yeah, they were.

But then there was like Mexicans.

So I'm like confused.

I'm trying to, I'm going to get a clearer understanding.

Are they all Indians?

They're mixed with Spaniards.

Yeah, the Spanish.

Then there's some Mexicans that are so Mexican they look Asian.

Do you ever get a load of those guys?

So I lived in Bushwick for years and it's mostly Mexicans, but they all look so Asian.

And they got the same kind of haircut, that bowl cut.

You know what I mean?

Where you're like.

Yeah, because the Asians just walked up

over that

The Asians walked up over that the land bridge.

Did they really?

Yeah.

Into Mexico?

Yeah, and that's then they became Indians.

Oh, the Bering Strait.

It's your eyes shifting around.

I'm like, that was maybe some level of confirmation.

I'm like, you with me?

No, because you're with me.

I'm thinking you're looking for us to add or tag on to this.

And I'm like, fuck, I don't know if you're serious.

I mean, what is an Indian, really?

Just a guy.

Once you're looking for China.

Yeah, once you're looking for food long enough, I think you just become an

You know what I mean?

If you walk like 20 miles for a meal,

I think they do.

They're like, all right, man.

I mean, think about how fat is in your head.

You're like, yeah, fuck this.

Think about how badass they must be.

They outwalked the Chinese.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, because everyone was going, I guess, east at their time.

To escape, what, the cold or something?

It's just like, fucking, let's check shit out.

That is tight.

If, like, a continent kind of emerges in the ocean, I'd be like, let's go check this out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They just just came, they just come and go, like the water levels rise.

Yeah, apparently, there was a time you used to be able to like walk to Australia

from like

China.

There was like a set of Polynesian islands.

Oh, yeah, they've all just kind of been submerged, right?

You know, those people, yeah, it's kind of nuts.

I was reading the other day about the uh Indo-European language, like how, like, I didn't realize the English language is linked to like Arabic, uh, all those like Indian dialects.

It's all the same root language, yeah.

So, like, they said that every other person alive today speaks some form of Indo-European languages.

It's like English, French, Italian, all those ones, Iranian.

They're all based on the same root language, Sanskrit as well, which is a dead language now.

Yeah, I mean,

I've always said English is the best language.

It is.

It should be.

And if a word is good enough, it'll become English.

Yeah.

Yeah, so we'll take it in.

Yeah, we'll just take it.

It's a marked language.

Well, dude, language, they said every like 800 years, languages are completely like old English is totally unrecognizable now.

That was the English language.

It changes all the time.

Yeah, it evolved.

It's the only language.

English is the best.

We should just all knock it off and just go English everywhere.

I'm not saying it in a way where I'm angry about it or whatever.

I don't care.

No, no.

But it is the most convenient language.

Because we're not saying we won't use those words.

Just show us the good ones.

We'll use them.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

I could go Spanish during like lovemaking, maybe.

Save them.

Yeah, I'm learning Spanish now.

I'm like two years into Duolingo, but it sucks because

they're teaching me such an old Spaniard version of Spanish.

Like, my wife is Puerto Rican, so she speaks Caribbean

slang.

And she's like, you're talking like the way someone would talk in the Bible.

Yeah.

Like, you know what I mean?

It's like, yeah, you're just sick, though.

Yeah, like, you're speaking Spanish, but it's like, no one talks like that.

That's Spain.

I was talking to, we went out and did, like, snorkeling.

I talked to the tour guide, and he was saying that, like, when people from Spain come there, they're like their version of British people, basically.

Like the way they talk is just kind of like, just sounds like snobby, I guess.

Yeah, I got put onto that my first, one of my earlier times coming to

Texas, I was in Houston and I met this Mexican girl who was just talking about how like

they think Puerto Ricans and Dominicans, their Spanish is trash.

Yeah.

Like, what the fuck?

But they say people in Spanish think Mexicans are trash, like the way they talk.

Yeah, they hold it down.

I think having like a long colonial empire for a while, you start to kind of look down on everybody as kind of sucking.

Well, here's the other crazy thing.

It sucks to spend two years learning a language and realize you've been learning like the snootiest version.

Yeah, yeah.

This was like when I was in college learning.

Spend two years working on becoming a condescending person.

Even though I

just sound like an asshole.

No, no, I was just trying to.

Yeah, you turned me into an asshole.

I paid thousands of dollars.

Now I sound like an absolute jerk off.

I could lean into that, though, dude.

Just fuck him up with some Vosotros.

You guys don't know about that?

Yeah, you know the formal.

Yeah, it's

like the formal saying we.

You're like, vosotros, but it's only used in Spain, I believe.

Okay.

I don't even think they use it anymore.

Really?

Yeah.

I think it's just an old, it's like an old computer language.

Yeah.

It's the basis of shit, but no one uses it.

It's like there, indubitably, basically.

Indubitably.

I used to tell my teacher, my Spanish teacher in high school, she's like, you got to hit like the accent.

I'd be like, no, if I'm going to use this language, I'm going to try to get babes.

And and I want my accent because I never get to use an accent.

Like, right, I can have a foreign accent.

Why would I?

That's also insane, right?

Like,

at some point, it becomes almost like a total impression.

I know, could you imagine like a Mexican person just like doing a white accent to like nail English?

And you'd be like, dude, yeah, relax, man.

I don't know.

If you matched an outfit to it, if you started dressing like the Count of Monte Cristo or something, it would just be like

just going into Mexican bars.

Yeah, they were like

darn skippy.

You'd be like, all right.

Turn it fucking down, bro.

Turn it the fuck down.

Isn't that happening to Chinese, too?

Aren't they getting rid of all the characters?

What do you mean?

Like, the

unworkable.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no one has time to draw a tiny waterfall.

And

yeah.

You can't.

Exactly.

How do I say this?

You have to draw like the sun.

You also can't put a tiny waterfall like on a keyboard.

Yeah.

You know?

I know.

When I see like Chinese people texting on the train in new york i'm just like what the i know you know it's like how do you like especially from like you don't even know where to begin like i understand they don't read like we do left or right but you're like wait a minute is this the matrix what do they read from the bottom to the top i think they read up and down and then also like left or right

yeah i think it's right you're just playing sudoku all day long

Yeah, I'm all for, you know, just like, we'll pick a language and just all rock with it.

We kind of have a little bit.

English kinda, dude, literally, well, that doesn't count because like

Arabic and all that stuff, whatever.

But yeah, I'd I'd say English.

Just, you know, it's just picking.

It's the best, I would say.

It's the best because it can become anything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we don't have weird sounds that require like your throat and tongue and nose to get involved.

True, true.

It's a lazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a lazy language.

Dude, I have a

I was I got a haircut the other day, and I was, it was at like a, the place my wife goes to.

So it was like, just, it was a very gay play, a very gay establishment.

Yeah.

It was a salon.

Yeah.

It's like literally a hair salon.

And

she was like, it's a gayest barbershop.

There's got to be a word for this.

It was.

It was literally a hair salon.

I'm such a man.

I don't even know what this is.

It's fucking gay.

I'll tell you that.

Well, dude, I was sitting there.

Dudes are the best.

I got it.

a strict he gave me a strict lecture he's like do you put product in here i was like not really and he was like dude gay to straight it's time it's time you put something i was like yeah it's good sell but i was watching ladies turn it on so hard when they like see gay guys i watched they all like act like like hi it's weird they like do this whole

they kind of really sell this whole voice and i i came up with a theory I really think like they are connected on like a soul level.

I think like if you live a lifetime as a woman, once you like nail it, karmically, I I think you come back as a gay man.

As a gay man.

Yeah, yeah.

I think women, after like six lifetimes, come back as a gay man.

Yeah.

That's like their reward.

And they get to fuck dudes.

Yes.

Yeah.

With a penis.

That's the reward.

And still, like, you know, like get all decked out with clothes and all that stuff.

I don't know.

Women, though, they're like that.

Dude, they're so disingenuous.

They'll take on anyone that they're talking to.

They do the same thing with like babies.

You know what I mean?

Like women,

they'll put on a totally different facade and voice and bend down and talk to a child completely different.

It's like, hey, bitch, I just saw you talk like an adult right there.

And now you're going to come down and put on kid voice for me?

Like, you're here.

Women are psycho.

Yeah, what even are you?

They are shapeshifters for sure.

Absolutely.

They are.

They're all that together.

I've been working with this concept now that like

falling on the ceiling.

I've been working with this concept now that like a blowjob is such a disingenuous act.

How so?

Like,

because they're done with with so much enthusiasm up front.

Yeah.

But the enthusiasm only gets less and less and less as time goes on.

So clearly, like, you were never really into this.

That's fair.

And it's like,

you can imagine the more you've been with a woman, she loves you more.

Yeah.

So you should be doing that more, or at least with more enthusiasm, because the love has gone up.

Yeah.

But it doesn't.

So somehow it's like, oh, this is not an act of love.

This is more an act of manipulation.

I believe you.

They are at root kind of those like Egyptian guys outside of the Gamal kiosk.

They'll like polish your one nail really well.

Then it's just, it's a scam.

It's a totally good scam.

It's a fucking scam.

Polishing my nail.

You know how they do that?

They'll get wrong and smooth it up.

And you're like, that's nice.

I got it give me $500.

I hate those things too because they don't come off for like a month.

Every day you look at this one shiny nail and you're like, what does that say about me?

What is that?

I got to imagine on some level for them, the thrill is gone.

Yeah, for sure.

For blowjobs.

Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

I don't understand.

But what I'm saying is, it's like if they needed something, they could turn it on the same way they turn on baby talk or same way they turn on gay talk.

True.

For sure.

Yeah, it's, I, I even, uh, I've been starting some strategy on our part.

Yeah, true.

You got to complain incessantly.

You got to create things that they need

that only a blowjob will give them access to.

This is turning into a red pill podcast for real fast.

I want to start doing that.

Just listening to Red Pill

reels in bed next to my wife because I caught one the other day.

It's like, if your wife, as soon as a girl you're with, stops giving you head, she doesn't love you anymore.

And you're no longer, you're now a beta.

And I was just like, dude, I'm sending this to her right now.

Fuck that.

It's so funny.

She has lost all attraction for you, and she's thinking about another more successful man.

She wants to suck their penis.

Those guys are just non-stop, man.

Right, right.

It's such a wild, like, the

men's rights movement is, it's like exhausting.

Yeah.

It's like, dude, I get it.

Yeah, we die in war for sure.

Right.

It's like, geez, take a fucking breath, man.

I just also like the fact that they are hiring street walkers.

Like, they literally just find prostitutes on the street.

Like, yo, how much for your time for like the next two hours?

Yeah.

Do you want to come in and debate?

Like,

it's insane.

Just 12 women.

And just being, you guys are whores.

And they're like, yeah, you're paying me.

I can't.

Right.

And they're just sitting there following their nails.

Like, yeah, okay, I'm a whore.

And then, like, one is like actually trying to argue, but wait.

And it's like, no, just sit and get your money, love.

Those are the wildest.

I do feel like that would be a cool experience to just talk to 12 escorts at one time.

I would simp out.

So I don't, I couldn't, I would simp.

You guys' lives are actually really hard.

That's a good point, actually.

No one respects you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sex work is weird.

It's weird how sex work became like a

a lot of like very educated kind of white ladies got into this whole thing.

They're like, I'm a sex worker.

And they, you know, like with the only, they'll like show their tits on OnlyFans.

Like, we're united.

It's like, dude, you're not a sex worker, man.

Yeah.

Sex workers are like women who have no choice.

Yeah.

Being like, I'll do this for a month.

It's like, dude, just knock it off.

They just want to justify making the money.

Yeah, true.

You know, it's an internal conflict that's being externalized.

Yeah, well, no.

A lot of women have gone the other way with a soft girl lifestyle.

Are you familiar with soft girl versus

soft girl?

So there was girl boss.

Girl,

we grew up in an era of girl boss.

Sex in the the city.

It was all about bossing up.

A lot of them are now going soft girl lifestyle.

And I looked into it.

It's actually started by Nigerian women who, due to like just rampant inflation, were like,

we got to learn how to like get along without stuff.

And it's all about just like focusing on pampering yourself, letting go of like your drive for success and just going full self-care.

So it's a whole, it's a whole, it's like a whole trend on TikTok.

Soft girl.

We just wear like pastel.

You just get super girly.

Yep.

And you're like, no, I'm totally okay with with the man.

I'm starting to get that way now.

That's what this long hair is about.

I've never had long hair in my life.

Like, yeah, dude, I'm like taking care of myself.

Like, I used to have a, I used to have like a low Caesar because I had like alopecia spots from just being a grizzled man out here that no one cares about.

And

now I'm like, I have a loofah, you know what I mean?

And I like moisturize.

And I'm like, wow.

Like, who knew you could just be a softie and still be fine?

Yeah.

Well, it's like tied into like politics, apparently.

Like, the self-care was big because they're like taking a nap.

Girls are just taking naps again.

Yeah.

And it's like a whole thing on TikTok.

Like it's actually a political act to rejuvenate myself.

So I

continue to fight.

And it's like, dude, go take a nap.

Turning a nap into a cause.

Yeah, for real.

That's insane.

I was reading an article about Sabrina Carpenter.

Because it was actually pretty, it was a decent article.

It was written, I think, by like a gender studies major.

So it was like all this other, it got like super complicated unnecessarily.

But they were saying she is like a, they were saying white women have appropriated the soft girl lifestyle, which was like Nigerian, black American women more so.

And white girls are just starting to do it.

More is like, I'm going to the spa.

I'm a soft girl.

But they were saying she is appropriating the soft girl.

The soft girl lifestyle, which is like just stolen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're saying they're like warping it.

It was all about like political naps

and like eggs costing 50 million jubilos or whatever the fuck you were

whatever money.

I don't know.

I don't know what the money is.

Whatever silly currency.

that is a sick move where things like just rampant inflation and be like dude i'm gonna do a trick or tick tock trend i don't need i'm done trying to get stuff it's so funny just that's how you deal with inflation is take a nap yeah yeah take a political nap rejuvenate yourself do your nails and just kind of like think about plot your next move how to battle yeah taking pictures of your asshole trying to figure that out

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But they're saying Sabrina Carpenter, not well, I guess her, because she's like, her whole thing is she's like a small petite.

You know what I'm talking about?

I know her.

Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't, I'm just learning about this person, but she's a very small petite lady.

And they're saying, and it's actually kind of overt.

Her cover to her, I think her new album is the same as the book cover of Lolita.

She's about that man who was obsessed sexually with a 12-year-old girl.

Okay.

And her album cover does kind of copy that.

And this lady who's like, I think like a feminist lady, who's, she's like, she's selling pedophilia and everyone's eating it up.

Wow.

It's like, yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

It's fair.

It's a

fair analysis.

Then she did a big thing about the soft girl lifestyle and how it was stolen.

I was like, all right, well.

Sabrina Carpenter did or the other lady?

Yeah, she's saying she's like a warped version.

They did that with Me Too.

Me Too was Black Ladies.

Black Ladies started Me Too.

And then it was just, yeah, it was like, it was like factory workers.

Yeah, because there'll be the person that will actually speak up.

Yeah.

Like, especially the era that we came out of.

Like, if some, if someone was sexually assaulted, it's going to be a black woman to be like, uh-uh, uh-uh, nah, that nigga raped me.

Okay, like,

uh-uh.

Nah, girl, you need to stand up for yourself.

Like, uh, dude, it was for real.

It was in like factories.

Women were getting like their asses grabbed and stuff in factories.

Yeah.

Finally, they were like, fuck this.

And then, like, Gwyneth Paltrow was like, yeah, I'm uncomfortable on movie sets.

And it became this whole thing.

Well, I mean, a lot of them.

Maybe.

Every wine stands.

Have you ever seen, remember that movie Too Wong Fu?

Oh, Tu Wong Fu was like Wesley Snipes and

John Lake Wazamo and the other.

Yeah, isn't it?

Were they doing Louisa?

They were in drag.

What?

It's fucking Wesley Snipes.

What's the white guy from Roadhouse?

Patrick Swayze?

Patrick Swayze.

All wore the dress.

They were all drag queens or trans people, but like they're like driving a Cadillac across country, stopping through small-town America and changing things, just making things fabulous, but also teaching middle-america white women how to like stand up to their husbands.

Like, because it's like cartoonish evil, like the man is like beating the woman around the house because he put pepper in the sauce, you know what I mean?

And they're like, uh-uh, girl, you got to stand up for yourself.

Like, at one point, Patrick Swayze like goes in and kicks the guy's ass in a dress, you know what I mean?

Weird, yeah, man.

It was like a Miss Delfire kind of situation.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He enters a swim meet and just crushes everybody.

Them and drag beating up husbands.

Yeah, yeah, it's kind of sick actually.

Yeah, I didn't know that existed such a big you didn't know that existed?

No, yeah, it's called Tu Wong Fu Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar.

It's a very long title like don't be a menace

And it was snipes too.

Yeah, Wesley snipes man.

Like, yeah, and he's like who looked the most like a woman?

John Leguizamo.

Yeah, I can see that.

Yeah, he's all like Puerto Rican down.

You know what I mean?

Oh, Papi.

And you're like, okay.

Like BBL.

Like, I still can't unsee John

so feminine that way.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He does a lot.

He did a lot of like drag stuff back in the early 90s.

Really?

Yeah, he was like okay in the dress and makeup.

Yeah.

He's a theater man.

And he's not even Puerto Rican.

That's fake.

He's Italian actually.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I've heard that.

Yeah.

He's Italian?

Yeah.

Yeah.

My wife.

He probably still is into that movie be like, no, this is how you hit your wife.

You fucking faint laughing.

That's crazy.

Yeah, that's a fucking insane movie.

How did you find that out?

The internet.

Is he like all Italian or is it like a no, he's not Puerto Rican?

I think he did something like anti-Trump or something.

Everybody dug in.

Ah, fuck.

They always know, though.

My wife is Puerto Rican.

She knows who's what.

Like, they keep track.

Yeah, yeah.

No, he's Filipino.

That doesn't count.

He's Cuban, okay?

Like, holy shit.

Yeah, they're very racist.

I do like

group beef.

Like, it just makes me laugh when it's like Mexicans are like, fuck Puerto Ricans.

You're like, damn, you guys are beefing?

I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah.

Makes you feel, you're like, all right, well, yeah, like, maybe white guys aren't the worst.

That's what I was about to say.

Do white guys do that?

Do white guys have any inter-white guy beef?

I mean, fading.

It was like my dad, like, held it down, like, fuck Italians.

Like, yeah, he was kind of.

I mean, it wouldn't be like overt, but he was like, Jewish and Italians used to hate each other.

We used to live in different.

It was like, I mean, not me, but like my dad grew up.

Yeah, it was Southwest Philly.

They moved to Havertown, but they, in Southwest Philly, it was like, he's like, you wouldn't even go to Italian neighborhoods.

It was just kind of like,

fuck that.

Yeah, I guess we were kind of squashing the beef.

Catholic school, I feel like you'd go to Catholic school and I got yourself.

But I think it was also because most Irish dudes back in the day all went into law enforcement.

Yeah.

And like a lot of Italian guys were up to no good.

Yeah, true.

So I think that's kind of where that beef is going to start.

True.

I can see that.

There was a lot of Irish guys up to no good as well, but I think they were as quiet.

They're not as flashy.

Yeah.

Italian guys were way too flashy.

Yeah, they were.

They fucking blew it.

Yeah, although I felt bad for the Philly mob, you know.

What when they all got like last article I saw about the Philly mob was like uh they caught them, they had like counterfeit like cigarette machines and like jukeboxes, yeah, really slumming it.

I was like, oh man, just let them have it, just dinosaurs, dude.

Yeah,

they got busted for being bookies.

Arcades, yeah,

just had tokens, they said Chuck E.

Cheese tokens.

Yeah, like they're like lost in time.

The last standing organized group is like the mummers, right?

Also dressed like girls.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, they, I remember in like the early 2000s, a lot of the bookies got busted.

It was like Nikki the Hat was a big one, and they all just got crushed.

He has a sick name.

But they all just got like crushed.

A lot of them lived out in like the Ridley Park area, like the suburbs surrounding Philly.

They had like Italian club.

There's like a club.

When I worked for this guy, we used to go to this one Italian club, and they're all claimed to be kind of like mobbed up, but they're all geezers.

Yeah.

They own like flour shops and stuff.

They were kind of sick.

They all started doing that kind of

Sopranos thing where guys that were not in the mob were like, I'm in the mob.

Yeah, although that's the Italian curse.

It's like your nephew's like, my uncle's every fucking Italian thinks their uncle's in the mob.

I hated meeting those guys.

So anyway.

He's got one jukebox.

Yeah.

from.

Yeah, he's in the mob, dude.

Michael's like, the touch of tune.

The touch-a-tunes.

Yeah.

My dad and his brother.

So did, like, all the gambling websites just put them out.

There's nothing.

I guess they can still

import women, maybe.

Yeah.

Shipping cargoes, you know, shipping containers.

True.

I think the Ruski's got that under control.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess like funeral homes is still kind of the play.

Yeah.

There's got to be some way to do something with funeral homes but i i know that's got a struggle also because from what i'm understanding like my family owns a funeral home in um in atlantic city nice and they're struggling now because this is booming yes it's used

it used to be cheap but they're saying like younger people don't value old they're coming in like all right my grandmother died what is the cheapest way we can get this done incinerator like move on yeah yeah because it's expensive man yeah you go in there a lot of uh my dad and his brothers were family-owned trash company which was like a red flag for like people say organized crime they weren't at all but they dealt with like

trash company was largely controlled by the mob and they would get like their dumpsters stolen all the time by mob guys yeah they'd have to go up and be like give me my dumpster back but i understand that now man especially after living in a city like new york where it's just like hey man If we don't pick up the trash, things are going to get bad for us.

Oh, yeah.

So, you know, it's a good business.

Well, that's, yeah, and that's sanitation.

These were like dumpsters are more like private because like the city sanitation is kind of just like, that's just kind of like city workers.

But then if like dumpsters, like dropping, dropping dumpsters off at like hospitals and shit and picking them back up, and you have a yard where you just dump all your trash and separate it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was you could get rid of anything or anybody, you know, you could, that's why the trash was like super

and the cement.

That's why all the Italians did cement because you could just fucking pour cement over people, toss them in.

It's true, dude.

My dad would get, they would get dumpsters from the hospital and like when people would come in with injuries, they would just throw their weapons away.

Yeah.

So they would get like guns and shit in the trash.

And they were like, yeah it's kind of sick

i know and then it got weird because instead of selling them right in these younger generations they're like i'll just sell these to my black friends you know what i mean so now you got black kids walking around with guns with bodies on them like you know yeah dude the switches thing is terrifying yeah putting turning them automatic yeah man That was scary.

Yeah, you can put a switch on it.

You can do a switch extended clips where now instead of 16 shots, you have like 32 and you just squeeze the button and it just

turns automatic.

And it's just children running around with extendos and no aim.

They don't go to the range ever.

Because their motto is just like, I'm just squeezing at the whole area and we'll see what happens.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's crazy how that got caught up in like the YouTube algorithm too, where it's like, it's like financially.

If you have like a cool like drill rap thing and it's like you like you can prove that you've murdered lots of people, it's like it does well on YouTube.

People are like, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

The young rappers, I don't even know any of their music.

I only hear about them shooting 34 or going to jail because like this person has confirmed they murdered someone.

They do minute long.

Every song's one minute long.

Yeah.

It's just them being like, yeah, I definitely killed that guy.

And you're like, all right, that's fucking crazy.

Damn.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

I've gone down those rabbit holes so many times where I like, I'll get like invested in those guys and like they die.

Like you'll find out they died.

You're like, damn.

We're talking about that last night, too, that that has become the genius of the music business pushing hip-hop.

It's like, let's just find a young crash out with no family that hopefully they'll get big enough where we can just collect their royalties forever.

You know what I mean?

Like, they'll just die.

They don't have children.

No one cares.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's a pretty sinister model.

Yeah, you hire a new artist to kill off the old artist.

You need it for the creepy for your after your next album.

Yeah.

You're not a robot.

Don't worry.

He's only going to shoot you a little bit.

You You won't die.

Also, I mean, even if it's not intentional, it's like, you know, you're running a music label.

And yeah, once it happens once, you're like, that worked out pretty well for us.

I could see it being like, that guy's a surefire bet.

That guy's a good pick.

Oh, you want to sell heroin?

We'll give you a little bit of money.

How about you get in there and get active?

Dude, I wouldn't.

I could definitely see that happen.

So far,

going in for a meeting.

It's like, do you have anyone you could kill?

Right, yeah.

Do you have any active beasts within your people?

Well, there's like subreddits where like people go on and give like the scoop, like this person is against this person.

It's all because there's so much upside.

If you're like, if you pop off on the algorithm, you can make hundreds of thousands of dollars.

That is also scary to me where, like you said, these reaction videos where those videos also have like a quarter million views just reacting to what someone did on their like on their live.

Yeah.

You know, people just sit there and watch people go live and screen record.

And they're like, all right, cool.

I got content now.

Yeah.

I do like the streams, like the young black streamers where it's just dudes standing in a room with a fucking scroll of just people commenting.

Yeah.

Shit's fucking sick.

Yeah.

And they're just sitting there like eating a sandwich.

Yeah, it's insane.

It's fucking great.

Like, who's the one guy?

Kay Sana, Kai Sanat?

He's huge.

He's a, he's like a, his platform is massive.

To the point where Kamala Harris was like begging to get on the show during her run for election and he wouldn't let her on.

It is crazy that there are podcasters who seem genuinely more powerful than the presidential candidates.

They're like, nah, I'm good on her.

Who else we got?

Your booking service, your idea, for us.

He went live to say that.

He's like, yo, Secret Service keeps calling my phone, trying to get me to have Kamala on.

I don't want to be political get there.

But Kamala was a little bit more than that.

I knew that he was going to be.

I knew he was going to be in those crosshairs when he did that stunt in Union Square.

What did he do?

He said he was going to give out like a few PlayStation 5s and like 250,000 kids showed up to Union Square and it was like a massive riot.

They destroyed the place and it was like there was no brand that didn't see that.

That was like, yeah, get that kid on the bottom.

That's kind of chumming the waters putting out a bunch of PS5s.

Right.

That's a fuckass recipe for disaster.

250,000 people.

And they just tore the place apart.

Like, he had to be, his team had to get him out of there in the SUV.

And there's like...

helicopter footage of like people are hanging on the SUV as it's speeding away like you know they're like hanging on for dear life it was like the Iraqi extraction

we were in the city I was actually in Washington Square Park recording content

man on the street content for my podcast and there's just like a helicopter just kind of like hovering and I remember my wife she's like those are police helicopters like something

Something crazy is happening right now.

You know what I mean?

And then we got home and saw the news and it was like, oh, yeah.

Damn.

Yeah, that's that is wild, man.

That's uh, that is so funny for just podcasts, just dudes in a room.

Like, it'd be nice if Kamala went on and did the uh

Kodak Black, where she just like tossed a pill up in the air, caught it, caught perks out of the air.

He was, that's my favorite appearance on any kind of show.

Yeah, we just threw a perk in the air, caught in his mouth, and he goes, a little glitch for the Twitch, and just like lay there.

Like, fucking all that, dude.

Those dudes, I love that they're just like by themselves, going live all the time.

Yeah.

To the point, I'm not even sure whether they're real people anymore.

Like, I don't know.

There's no way Soldier Boy is a human being.

Dude,

I got an opportunity to hang out with Kai Sanat once, and they just filmed his girlfriend beating him up, and then they stopped, and he was like, nice.

Yeah, it's insane.

Oh, it's just like a made-up scene.

Yeah, like it's like the littlest things go like he's going viral right now as we speak because he was at the BET Awards.

I saw that.

And he was just in the parking lot.

and fucking Wale is walking in the parking lot, and he sees him, and he doesn't know who he is, but he was nice.

He was like, Oh, hey, how you doing?

And then he gets in

the thing, and the chat is just going crazy, like, oh, Wale, Wale.

And he's like, Wally, what the fuck is Wally?

And then, like, the guy filming is like, Wale, that's the guy you just see.

He's like, Oh, what'd he do?

And fucking, then, like, everyone's like, Yo, you don't know Wale, blah, blah, blah.

And Wale, he's kind of petty for this because he does this a lot.

Yeah.

He's like online, and he's always reading comments of what people are saying saying about him.

So then he goes and approaches Kai Sanat, like in the award show, to be like, yo, that interaction got me looking crazy online right now, man, but we'll talk later.

And Kai is like sitting there talking to Snoop Dogg, like, what?

Like,

what are you talking about?

It's also now you look crazy to be like, it's also insane to be like.

Like, if he knew you, that's just how it works.

Like, if somebody doesn't know you, it's not that person's fault.

Right.

And you just got to let it go.

Right.

Especially if you were.

He probably did know him, though.

He's just fucking.

No, no.

I'm just fucking with Walm on that.

I I wouldn't recognize him.

If I saw his eye, it's unbelievable that this is.

You'd be surprised what 21 and 22-year-olds

don't do.

No, Kai knows.

Nah, man.

Kai knows.

This is the most plugged-in guy.

He almost had Kamala Harris on.

Because here's the thing.

It's been going on for the rest of the night of other older black celebrities that he didn't know.

Yeah.

It's got to be a test now.

No, he's doing a bit, dude.

He's fucking with these guys.

I mean, you have the inside track.

Unbelievable.

You have the inside track.

I'm sick and tired of it.

What do you say?

You show up to the B D horse.

You don't know anyone there?

Bullshit.

It's changing.

He knew Snoop and Kevin Hart.

Who else do you need to know?

When's the last time Wale put out a song?

I don't know a single song.

I know a song from like 12 years ago.

Okay, but here's the other thing, right?

Now,

you know, Wale, right?

And you know, remember when he was doing the stuff with Seinfeld?

No, what have he had an album about nothing, the mixtape about nothing?

No,

all the time time he was making stuff with Seinfeld.

He would do skits with Seinfeld in between the songs.

But the way the project worked,

he reached out, like he would do these mixtapes about nothing where he would play excerpts from the show to lead in the songs that he wrote.

Yeah, this is why Kai Sinat doesn't know who he is.

Exactly.

But then he actually reached out to Seinfeld to see if he could get Seinfeld to do these things.

And literally, when Seinfeld got the notice, same thing.

What the hell is Wally?

And like, Seinfeld's wife happened to know.

She was in the room, like, oh, Wale, I love Wally.

He's great.

He actually uses clips from your show to do the thing.

And if that didn't happen, Jerry would have said no.

Jerry only said yes because his wife was like, oh, is it?

Is it good?

She's like, yeah, you should do it.

And he did.

But Jerry didn't know who the fuck he was.

Damn.

But Jerry's wife knows who he is.

It's surprising since she's

interesting.

He didn't marry his young girlfriend, though, I don't think.

Who?

Jerry Seinfeld came under fire.

No, yeah.

No, they were just dating.

Shoshana, is that her name?

Yes.

I like Macron's setup where he is married to a woman like 20 years older than him or something.

Did you see she like choked him out?

Yeah, I saw it.

I think they were fucking around.

Yeah.

You catch me getting

all the time.

He was live streaming the whole thing.

The comments are going nuts.

I saw it.

Well, there's like a for real, did you like, did you ever hear about this?

How they say the president of France's wife is a man, yeah.

There's like a serious thing into that, but apparently, she met him allegedly when he was like a schoolboy.

She was like his teacher, and like they got married, and now he's the president of France.

Damn, very frank.

She really is.

She very scouted, very high.

Yeah, yeah, for real.

Holy shit.

High for talent.

He's like addressed it, I thought.

Didn't he like talk about how it was like he just went super French.

He's like, like, oh, love was like, no, no,

but there's like Candace Owens, like for real.

There's like court.

She's mad about it.

No, she.

She did like a full documentary.

She thinks she's like convinced that the dude's wife is a man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like went full in, like requested one of those things where it's like, they like gave her a deposition, like, yo, you got to stop saying that.

Because I think the press in Europe works where like...

If you say something about someone, you have to prove it's true.

But in the United States, you can allege anything kind of you want.

Yeah.

And it's on them to prove it's not true.

Yeah.

So she sent a thing being, or they sent a thing being like,

stop.

And she was like, prove I'm wrong and I'll stop.

And they're like, yeah, we're done.

Yeah.

Damn.

Huh?

15, they started this?

They met in 1990 when Brigitte was teaching the drama club and Macron was 15 years old.

Now they're married.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean they didn't start dating when they met.

Like, that was their first interaction.

And that's fucked up that they're trying to show it that that way.

You know what I mean?

Like, yeah, you can meet somebody.

I think they are on record saying we had a romance when I was at 15?

Like, I think so.

Maybe shortly after.

I thought it was possible.

Well, you know what?

Yeah, I guess it is possible.

I'm talking about it as if my, okay, so like my mother-in-law, she had my wife when she was 15.

Okay.

And here's the crazy thing.

I'm closer in age to my mother-in-law than I am to my wife.

Whoa.

Yeah, so it was like a weird dynamic of how we all hang out.

Like, I'm nine years older than my wife, but seven years younger than my mother.

Whoa.

Now, can I ask you, is your wife like healthy as a horse?

I feel like you're healthier when you're born poor, like that.

Yes.

But, like,

yes.

But there's like a lot of psychological stuff that happens where, like, I can't tell whether this is like from being poor or just being Latina.

Yeah.

It is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I feel like that is like the ideal.

Why is Candace so mad?

Does she feel like she's being tricked?

She's just a journalist.

I feel like Candace, she knows the game.

She's just trolling all day long.

I'm always, like, I don't watch all of her shit, but when I do, I'm always looking for her to go.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, all right, I got you.

Yeah, well, there's a guy.

You remember the guy, Timothy Leary from Harvard, who like did a bunch of acid and like got kicked out in like the 60s or whatever?

He like came to the conclusion, like, dude, we should be having kids at like 16.

The grandparents, your parents should be raising your kids.

And when you're your grandparents' age, your kids should have kids when they're 16.

He's like, it just makes the healthiest humans.

16, 17.

Yeah, it's probably true.

Maybe he said 18.

I don't know, you know, I put smart on his name, but he said 14, 15, 12, or something, something like that.

But yeah, because you know, because there's a thing, man, it's like autism's on like the rise.

We don't, we're not producing the healthiest kids, right?

Because you think we're making old babies.

Old babies.

Yeah.

Softcom.

Old babies.

soft shell craps soft shell

so it might be something i think you just gotta like have 16 year olds just and you know just freeze their eggs and jizz yeah and just keep it you know true necklace

break it when you're ready that's not bad

you know it's got i think i don't think kids have sex anymore even No,

I heard it's like

it's dropping off.

It's not as like it was.

They're all just jacking off and on the computer.

Yeah.

They're working.

Yeah.

They're working on the computer.

They're jacking off on the computer.

God bless them, man.

It's tough.

Okay, okay.

A quick break from the show for a special segment called More or Less Finals Edition, and it's brought to you by PrizePicks.

The finals are on, and we're not just talking about basketball here.

We're talking hockey, too.

Twice the chance for players to show what they've got, and twice the chance for you to get in on the fun.

Further prompts to riff.

NBA Finals, basketball thoughts.

Hot takes about who's going to win.

Is Shai just a foul merchant?

I'm wondering that.

He is a foul merchant, but he's going to get buckets.

I will take more every time on Shae.

More on Shea.

More.

More every time on Shea.

More on Shea?

Yeah, every time.

More on Shea LaBeouf.

You just heard that.

Good call.

Stanley Cup finals, thoughts?

Hot takes about who's going to win?

Is it the Oilers year?

Oilers are going to make a comeback.

I believe it.

Do you think Canada is going to take it finally?

Last time they won, believe it or not, was 1993.

Now, it was a long time ago.

Canadians 93.

I want Edmonton to come back and win it.

I think Dreiseidel and McDavid are going to turn it on.

I want Canada to lose.

Canada, Florida's

in the catbird seat.

I think they're up 2-1.

Really?

Yeah.

All right.

We'll see.

Yeah.

When were you way too confident about making a pick that fell apart?

Oilers to win the cup.

Okay, which team in the NBA Finals do you care more or could care less about?

Pacers care more, Thunder care less, but they're both good.

You want the Pacers to win?

I think I want Pacers to win a little more.

They're the underdog.

Always go for the underdog.

Yeah, I kind of want the Pacers to win as well.

I want them to win too because I was just in that city, and my God, they need it.

That city

is

my God.

They need to win.

And SGA is is out in Oklahoma City, right?

He's Canadian.

Yeah, he's a big man.

So he's rude against Canada.

Less on the Canadian as well.

They had a Canadian on their team.

Yeah, he's like one of the best players in the league.

Is he really?

Yeah.

Less.

I'm mad Canada won't let us buy their country.

I know.

I'm pissed off already.

Yeah.

Come on.

Join the fucking fold, man.

It would be kind of sick.

Owning Canada would be awesome.

Can't we buy it from the British?

Wouldn't it?

It would also, if they were just one state and it's 51, like this settles that like election thing right because it's like now it's an odd number of states

wait why does it matter how many states I don't understand because then it's not like an even divide of like 25 went this way 25 went that way it has to go one way because it's an even odd number I see what you're saying yeah so every state just gets one vote

state versus I think it would be hard damn too they'd be yeah probably pretty hard damn I know ah yeah, those trucker oil truckers would be filed up, fired up.

Yeah, Calgary is like

Texas and Calgary.

Yeah.

Well, we'll have to see what happens.

Guys, any particular players, teams, or matchups that you've enjoyed?

Has anything surprised you?

Do you have any predictions for the rest of the playoffs?

I think we got into it.

I think we, the Pacers.

Yeah, I think the Pacers.

I mean, I don't actually.

I think my prediction is the Thunder's going to win every single of the next games.

I don't want to see that.

Yeah.

Didn't the Thunder just lose recently?

Yeah.

They lost recently by like one and like a crazy loss, and then they blew them out the next game by like 20.

Damn.

Damn.

So let's get into it.

How do our hot takes fit into the prize picks lineups?

Did I mention how easy this app is to use, guys?

Please begin with your picks.

I think we made them.

We're going to go.

You think the Thunder is going to win?

I think Thunder's going to win.

More on certain players.

More on Shea, more on Halliburton.

There we go.

More on.

I would go less on Jalen.

On Jalen.

And And less on Chet.

Oh, eight rebounds?

More on Chet.

What do they got hockey-wise over there?

I don't see it.

Okay.

Don't have the data.

I'm going to go more on Matthias Yanmark.

There you go.

Yeah.

Let's lock those two picks in, guys.

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Yeah, I don't know, man.

I wish I got into sex early.

I wish I would have waited.

Wow, early return?

I lost my Virginia at 14.

You were in the drama club, huh?

You're in the drama club.

You're in the drama club.

What do you think waiting would have done?

I think even to this day, sex is still such a big, big priority.

Like,

it's too much of a focal point.

And I see other people who don't have it as bad as me and how much more stuff they get done.

Yeah.

You're just like, yeah, and I'm so busy just trying to chase.

Like, I was talking about that last night.

I was laughing about how the other night hanging at the

the creek and there was like one girl there yeah one girl and i stayed fully occupied and talked to this girl the minute she left i was like all right well

see you guys later you know what i mean

love the mayor all those guys i'm like well i guess there's no reason to hang out with you guys um

well i got real sleepy all of a sudden yeah yeah it feels pointless now yeah i know

There really's no point.

If you're like not trying to have sex, there's really no point of going out.

I try to tell my wife this: I'm like, why are we going out?

Right, but it's also bad with me on even interacting with women in general.

Like, if there's no potential of having sex, you'd be like, okay, what is the point of this conversation again?

Yeah, what are we doing?

I'm not trying to be rude, but like, I can't even understand you anymore.

Where are we going?

Are we going to be friends?

I don't get it.

Yeah, I don't think you can do that.

I genuinely think being like, it's one thing to be friendly with a woman, but to be like, let's chill.

I still do my head.

It's like, how?

Why would you do that?

Even because of the age proximity with my mother-in-law, I don't talk to her on the phone.

I go through her husband for everything.

Just because in my mind, there's still that chance.

Yeah, for sure.

And it's probably all in my head.

It's not real, but that's what it is.

It's literally all in your head.

Oh, yeah.

I can't afford her.

Are you crazy?

Like, no.

I suffer from the same thing.

You can't call my mother-in-law something like that.

Just face time with your shirt off.

You're like, you you gotta stop doing it.

I suffer from the same exact thing of like the, that small voice being like, is she trying to fuck me?

I think every time I'll get like an Ubery sliver, I'm like, was she trying to fuck me?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I used to go through that as a kid, like, well, as a young adult, going to see the doctor.

And like the nurse will say some shit like, okay, take your pants off and hop up on a table.

And you're like,

it is so funny.

Right.

You're trying to get it in real quick before the doctor comes?

Like, what are we doing here?

It is so funny.

Even when you're like 11 and you just think the nurse is going to walk in and be like, we've never seen a kid.

Yeah.

Never in our lives.

You are a specimen.

I need you.

Dude, when I was younger,

I assumed, I just assumed wrongly I had a huge dick.

I didn't know.

Yeah.

And then, you know, obviously I eventually learned, came grips of reality.

I did not, but I just assumed I was just crushing it.

And then I became an adult and and I was like, oh, all right.

Yeah, definitely not.

Definitely not.

Standard issue for sure.

I still catch it every once in a while and I go, it's looking good today.

Yeah.

The Austin heat is definitely on my side.

But I've turned that leaf where I now am like, you know, hopefully it stays because I suffer from the same thing where it was just like, especially in a relationship, I'm like, I'm counting the days.

I'm like, we've been six in fucking four days.

And I started just being really unpleasant.

That's what I'm saying, right?

I've turned a leaf now where I'm like, and it's kind of

total reverse psychology.

I think it's just a deeper ploy.

Yeah.

But I've been hitting my wife with like, nah, man, I'm trying to retain.

I'm trying to retain

like maybe once a week, max.

I even told her.

I was like, I'll just flip the script on you.

But I, I have,

we were laughing about this, but I have been done a thing where I'm just like, you let me know.

I'm just going to keep this shit to myself.

And just, I like, I don't like that porn anymore.

People are sick of hearing me talk about this, but it's like, I just,

I've just not even, you know, it gets to the point after like a like a nine-day kind of hold-in, I'll start just getting like Terminator vision.

I think my wife starts to pick up on it, like, all right, dude, I'll fucking crank you off just to fucking say that.

And that's so funny because she's paying attention to you, which she should.

That's the thing that pisses me off sometimes when I see that in marriages, where it's like a woman is hyper-focused on the kids, she's hyper-focused even on the animals and their need.

And it's like, hey, you're not noticing the guy walking around

and chip on his shoulder, and I'm breathing like darkness in the corner.

My wife, she, thank God,

I hope she can keep this up, but like, she's even gotten good at giving me sex before attending events that she knows I don't want to be at.

That's nice, you know what I mean?

So it's like, oh, your grandmother's 69th birthday party.

All right, I'm going to go.

But, like, you know, she's like, don't worry, we'll have sex before you go.

And now I'm just here at the party, relaxed.

Like,

it's good to see you all.

Yeah, yeah.

It had the opposite effect on me.

If you fucked me before the party, I'd be like, I'm not going to the party.

There's no way I'm going to the party.

You need the carrot.

You need the carrot.

Right.

I keep going to the party.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's actually.

But you got to do it before because women, they always somehow get tired or get headaches.

Like, that's the interesting thing.

I see now why women get so many headaches.

Like, does your wife forget to eat a lot?

Yes.

That's the dumbest thing in the world.

I forgot to eat the dishes.

It's infuriating.

Yeah.

It's absolutely fucking infuriating.

And I'm I'm like, all right, and it's classic, like, well, we have this in the fridge.

I don't want that.

It's like, then you're not fucking hungry.

Yes.

You're not hungry.

Eat a fucking sash.

Yeah.

We have a bowl of fruit right there.

Yeah.

I'm not hungry for that.

Lick the bag.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That I, it has been freeing, though, just being like, like, I'll catch myself in that same feedback loop where I'm like,

and I'm just like, nah, man, just let it go.

And it's like been very freeing.

It's such a funny strategy to hold and come until there's like a real threat of violence.

I'm going to hold her sitting until

she becomes so dangerous.

She has to jag me off.

Dude, after a while,

she just wakes up and finds him sitting on the foot of the bed

at fucking 5:30 in the morning.

He's staring at the wall.

Yeah, dude.

You start talking and like three-word answers, Max.

Like, yes, that'll be fine.

It's like when pigs become like feral and

dog.

She starting tusks.

Dude, now if I wake up at like 5.30, I just, I'm like, fuck it, I'm up.

My day started.

Before, I would kind of linger around in bed and be like, let me see if she's awake.

And now I just pop right up.

And that's another one where they're like, lay back down.

You're like, for what?

Yeah, if we're not doing anything, I'm going work my laughter.

That is the

fascinating that lay around in bed, letting the morning go because you're hoping that she'll wake up at some point and and just be in the mood.

That's my prime time.

She's yeah, it's a morning.

She's a morning gal.

So it's like nighttime.

She's shattered.

She's like going to bed.

Morning is like, you know, when I can really get her going.

Right, right.

But yeah, now I just get up and I go.

Before the devil knows you're dead.

I get up and go, you awake?

She's like, no.

I go, well, bye.

Morning, though, is also dangerous because

it's easy to stop dating if you're getting it in the morning because you don't have to get dressed up for that.

You don't have to, you know what I mean.

And even now, brush your teeth, yeah.

It's just like, and then you're not going to get dressed afterwards.

Like,

I've already achieved everything in life that I wanted today at 6:30 in the morning.

Yeah, I'm done.

There's no reason to do anything else.

I don't even need to go to work.

I already got late.

Yeah, I'm done.

That will, I feel like that will set for me.

It would, uh,

I'm bad.

I'm trying to get better with this with like married dates.

Like, we haven't been on a date in a while.

It's like, we're done dating.

We're done with that.

Yeah.

And I'm like, I just me being autistic.

I'm like, I need to get in my office and write.

Yeah.

And the minute you go out, the minute you try to reintroduce it, you don't even like, you don't even like it anymore.

Because it's like, as older, especially as a married couple trying to date, it's like, then we have to deal with shit like parking.

It's just like so many reasons to not do it once you stop doing it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah, there's not, there's only the only reservations 8 p.m.

I'm like, I'm done.

I can't do that.

Let's do a 5:30 dinner.

Come back, let the babysitter off.

It's also, yeah, I don't know, going out to dinner.

I don't like being in a room with other people out to dinner.

Like a restaurant?

Yeah.

You know,

dude.

That's like the worst.

I've gone out on Valentine's Day with her like a few years ago, and it's just like couples that have just met, like pulling the chair out for each other.

And I'm like, man, fucking relax.

Take it easy.

Take it easy, dude.

Take it easy.

Right.

You're not better than me.

Yeah, it's the worst.

You're sitting at the bar because you didn't make a reservation in time.

Yeah.

Everyone else is at an actual table.

Yeah, I fucked up this year.

I totally put it off to the last minute and tried to do a last-minute thing.

I'm like, this is like a food hall we can go to.

There's many different entries.

Just for UT cafeteria.

I'm trying to get better with the dates.

I got to get it.

Valentine's Day.

I don't think Terry Black's will be packed.

Many options.

It's pretty cool.

It's a small food court.

You go shopping afterwards?

Oh, shit.

Yeah, I'm trying to get much better with that.

Well, it's also the dates feel, I don't know, dates feel unnatural.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, they feel weird because you've like talked to you all day.

Well, yeah, that's the other thing.

I think dates, you're being fake on a date.

And now, if you're married, you're real.

So it's like, I'm not turning on the fake thing.

Yeah.

Like, what are we going to do?

You know?

Yeah, exactly.

Like, yeah, I come from a big family.

Yeah, you're just, it's just us talking about our kids.

Right, right.

Both being like, fuck, I'm so tired.

Yeah.

And we have like two drinks and eat dinner, and we're like, let's just get the fuck out of here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But

I'm taking her out for a birthday this weekend.

I'll have a nice little girl.

That'd be nice.

Yeah.

What do you do?

Anything

else?

We're going to Napa.

We'll take her to Napa.

Really?

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah.

That's fun.

It'll be cool.

You know, like, let's go get fucked up.

Yeah.

Get hammered, fight.

It's in the cards.

It's in the fucking cards.

It's just two beers is all it takes to just rip the veneer off.

Yeah, we're fighting.

We'll be in the back of like one of those little party vans and be like, what the fuck?

No, I just why did I do this?

Why the fuck did you say that shit to me in that fucking place?

Yeah, it'll be, it'll be.

Yeah, shit starts coming up from years or weeks ago.

Or it goes the other way.

Or it's just like totally lovey-dovey.

It can go either way.

When the alcohol kicks in, that's when if you're like nine, ten days deep, it comes out.

You're like, don't even fucking touch me anymore.

I saw this thing online.

The guy said, you're not getting any blowjobs.

You think I'm a beta and you hate me secretly.

And you've secretly been, what's it called, lily pad hopping.

You're just fucking lily pad hopping to get to a high target alpha male.

It is funny.

It is funny in their minds that it's like a girl does want to suck a dick.

That's what they're saying.

At all times.

Yeah, obviously.

So if they're not sucking your dick, they're thinking about another dick to suck, is their logic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, or what I think that could be like.

There's no way they could could just be living their lives.

There's no way they can just be content and be like, thank God, I don't have to suck a guy's dick anymore.

Right, right.

I'm on the account.

I'm on the mortgage.

I don't have to suck a guy's dick anymore.

This is heaven.

Yeah, I'm like for real trying to work my way into like kind of asexuality.

I heard you talking about this.

I saw a clip of you talking about this.

Would you say into what?

Asexuals when it's just like.

Just being non.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it'll never happen because it's like, I will still,

I'm still a red-blooded guy.

Like, it builds up quick in me that's why i wonder what it was to be like to be like one of those eunuchs back in the day so sick like where like a you know like a king would just like castrate a dude and it'd be like all right now you stay and hang out with my wife and keep her company while i'm on the road conquering shit

that would suck it's the choice being able to like the the the total denial of sexual desire does seem like it's like a the ultimate power you'd be so clear that's why they were like the advisors like they were like the most trusted advisor you'd be like bro hit me with like a clear zero fucking.

You're like, dude, you're just trying to fuck the princess in Siberia.

And you're like, you're right.

You're right.

I don't have to go invade that play.

You're right.

I live in a state of total post-nut clarity.

It's literally no nut clarity.

Complete, just like, you know what?

Is that really necessary?

You're like, yeah, I'm just spinning out, dude.

I'm going to go.

Every time they're probably like, your sire, I think you should just go rubbling out.

I think you'll feel the angel call.

So funny, a guy being like, guys are nuts.

It's like, well, maybe we should hire a woman advisor.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, get a guy, cut his dick off.

That's what we need.

Yeah.

Maybe we should all consult with the Duchess.

It's like, dude, relax.

Relax.

We'll figure this out.

That, and I think they were, that was like an esteemed position.

So if you were like, if you just got conquered, you know, and they like cut your dick off, dudes would be like, lucky.

You were just get it to be like a galley slave.

You're like, dude, for real, cut my dick off.

Just the bottom of a boat for your whole life.

Just

rowing.

That's the way you come in and show your loyalty.

Sir, I'm here to serve you forever.

I wonder if you get

just tucked.

Phantom boners.

You know,

like phantom limbs.

Yeah, yeah.

Or like they at least dream that they still have it.

You wake up and they're like,

I feel like at that point, your nipples would just get really hard.

Your nipples just stick out.

But I don't think you would even really protect.

you wouldn't have a lot of testosterone, I don't think, at that point.

I don't know, but it's, you still got to be, I don't know, right?

You still got to be able to feel it

in a dream situation.

You could woke, you know, you could have like a man, having a wet dream with no, you know, have you ever seen your dick in a dream?

No, I don't think I ever have.

It's crazy,

which is weird, too, because remember, as a kid, you would have like those like other people have seen my dick in a dream

like, yeah, I have this one where like my whole elementary school points and laughs

Stage.

So, yeah, I've never seen my dick in a dream.

They say you don't see cell phones in dreams typically.

It's very rare to see a cell phone in a dream.

Yeah, yeah.

I've just started dreaming again.

I think it's because I've reduced my weed intake.

And man,

I've been having nightmares, like full-on nightmares.

Comes back hard.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, I had that.

I went through a run of that.

I went on like a three-day bender watching baseball games.

And then I came back and I like like six, six nights in a row had every bullshit dream you could have.

Teeth falling out, falling off a cliff, naked, stuck in a wedge, naked, covered.

Stuck in a wedge sucks.

I've done that.

I've done stuck in a wedge where it's almost like a lucid dream and it like fucking I'm like trapped under a staircase being like, dude, get me the fuck out of here.

Yeah, it sucks.

Covered in bees.

It was covered in bees.

You're just waking up and watching the Phillies again the next day.

Dude, it was so sad.

What's a three-day baseball bender like?

That sounds kind of nice.

It was fucking awesome.

My lady accidentally bought tickets to the entire college baseball regional final.

Oh, so this was live.

Yeah, yeah.

So we, and we lived right next to the baseball stadium.

So we would just wake up, walk over to the baseball stadium, start drinking, watching like Houston Christian versus

University of Texas San Antonio.

It was great.

I thought you were in front of the tube.

What?

I thought you were in front of the tube.

I thought you were going like full pop-up mode.

I'm like, that's powerful.

We were going to the game, just getting hammered.

That's fun.

Yeah, it was great.

I like that.

But then, you know, the dreams afterwards.

Normally, I'll get crazy dreams, but this was just like straight out of the textbook.

Yeah.

Teeth falling out is bullshit.

I get teeth falling out, jumping and floating.

That's a good cool one I get every now and again where I can jump and like hover in the air.

Yeah.

Or just somehow like jump and then like fly like I'm like a plastic bag.

I get those a lot where I can jump and it's kind of like and it's I'm like showing everyone like, dudes, I can, I knew I could do this.

That's crazy.

I can fly around.

I feel like flying is the hardest thing to do in a dream.

I fly.

I do, I have, I get like not like pure flight, but I can jump and I can learn, I can like float my body

over buildings and come back down.

It's like really realistic.

I'm like, oh fuck, I'm coming down hard.

And I'm able to like, it's pretty cool.

It does feel like a measure of your confidence.

Maybe.

You know what I mean?

Like somewhere in your brain, you're still going, there's no way I could actually fly, but I'll sail along like a bag.

It's like I am doing it.

It's just my brain telling me I'm just drifting pointlessly through life.

Yeah.

I've had those because I've never flown in a dream ever, but I've tried.

I do say I jump super high, but then I just come back down.

Then I wake up and I'm like, it was a fucking dream and I couldn't fly.

What the fuck, dude?

Time for the disappointment.

Time for the Queen Raiders to play.

We had a motherfucking hour.

All right, let's stop and slide in the page, you're on.

All right, we're