Ep 561 - Beautiful Things

Wow, wow, Wes.

I'm fully in the loop.

Are you in the loop right now?

I've been home for two days, three days.

So you're just completely caught up?

Full internet for two days.

What's going on in the internet?

Well, Matt, turns out I'm a giant

ruin aides.

I kept looking it up and turns out people really don't like me very much.

But that's not all.

There's plenty of other

people getting called that going around.

MGK is a new music video that sucks.

Fucking made me want to bring a gun to school.

What else is going on?

That'd be a good,

you know, that Roddy Dajerfield thing where he goes back to college as like a senior.

He's just a shooter.

Hey, you're picking on me.

Take that.

Yeah, true.

He's not getting enough respect from the bullies and the jocks.

But no, I've been fully plugged in.

I watched,

I was really involved in pop culture.

There's a guy who screams things

that

he says,

and I'll be dancing out in California.

The kid who got it all wrong.

Whoa.

You got to check this kid out.

You're going to like him?

I got all types of stuff going on.

It's called white.

It's been dubbed white hooting and hollering music, and it's led by Benson Boone.

He's the lead hooting and hollering guy.

He's the guy who's like,

these beautiful things that I've done.

Oh, that guy.

Yeah, it's like girl movie music.

Yeah.

Yeah, Brittany has hit me with that song.

Just listen.

Bro, I've been all over the internet the last two days.

Then somebody filmed Steph Curry at a Benson Boone concert with a cowboy hat singing along and someone was going, oh, fuck, Steph Curry sucks.

But in Steph Curry's defense, I was thinking about this.

If I got dragged to a...

I've done it.

Sure.

I've gone to a concert.

I've been like, this shit sucks.

I'm not going to this shit.

Yeah.

Then I'm up there singing at the top of my lungs to Mumford and songs.

It could happen to anybody.

You can take me to an Imagine Dragons concert.

I was trying to think of the corniest one to be like a major fan of.

I would sing along.

For sure.

I'm waking up.

I feel it in my bones.

Just stomp into the beat.

Yeah, I'd be going nuts.

Actually, speaking of concerts, I heard some good news.

I I talked to two people who had gone to a Katy Perry concert recently.

And said she held it down.

They said it was fucking fire, dude.

It said, don't believe the fake news.

They said the Katy Perry concerts are.

He said, what a performance.

That's good.

Yeah.

That's good.

So, yeah.

Who told you that?

Oh,

my bros.

Speech people.

One of my bros.

Speech people.

One of my bros.

They saw KP.

I could see how seeing KP live would be a treat.

Said it was charged up.

She was running around.

I I saw her running around.

Running around almost naked.

Yeah.

I saw all types of stuff.

I saw Jennifer Lopez did a very long dance at an award show.

What?

Yeah.

I watched it.

Seven and a half minutes.

I watched her dance.

She did a seven and a half minute dance.

Shit sucked.

Dude, a lot of the

this could be a media narrative, but

dude, a lot of it.

It sucked to watch.

I was mad the whole time.

But I was getting a little more disappointed myself of how much I just hate dancing.

Yeah.

Like choreographed dance i just came off like a real loser why like when someone's like i hate music yeah i was sitting there and i was just like i i just hate dancing dude it's it's kind of a miserable life honestly dance like it's a like i uh my kids go to dance class and it's like dude you forget like ballerinas are like evil like when they get older they've been like screamed at since they were a child

yeah they've been dude it's like i i i've dealt i've been dealing with some aged ballerina types and it's like not the friendliest bunch dude yeah it's not all like tutus and fucking pillays dude they're yeah they're fucking mean man and i'm like sitting there like damn i like watching them i'm like taking

what a couple black swans dude for real i'm taking them out of this dance school dude it's like i don't like it at all they're just fucking mean dude like my so they if you fill up your card you get like it's like six little stars if you get six of them you go in the office and they give you like a present like a little prize and dude we're talking like you know fucking Alibaba some sort of like finger puppet for two cents kind of bullshit temporary tattoos and Chloe wasn't able to go to that one it was just Maya but they both had filled up their cards and she was like can I get one for my sisters her card's full she couldn't come she's sick and the lady's like one toy per card and just dude you're talking like this thing might have been four cents Jesus and I was just like Jesus Christ you should have you should have assaulted her I should I should have dumped the bag and like pick him up should have crawled across the pick him up stand on your toes for 25 minutes.

If you move, I'll slap you in the fucking head.

You should have said, you've gained weight.

We're sending you back to fucking Siberia.

You've gained too much weight, you slob.

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uh available on amazon and at major retailers nationwide dude and we when we turn on my my tv upstairs it's like there's it's like always on a channel now the channels i don't know how tv even works anymore but it's just they pick one show there's the baywatch channel there's the pants yeah i'm on say by the bell channel right now you were just watching some say by the bell zach was dating a girl in a wheelchair

yeah he was like living the dream we've all

we've all discussed it.

Hey, we can't go to the fucking what's it got beautiful things concert?

Yeah, the beautiful they don't have the ramp, they don't have the bands of boon, they don't fucking fucking steps.

We got to stay in again and watch movies.

We're gonna have to watch Thin Red Line again.

You can't do that.

Turns out we have the same time to do BJs.

We're gonna have to do blowjobs again, and we're gonna have to watch war movies.

I'm sorry,

I wish you could walk.

We're gonna build a ramp at the stadium in about three years.

I sent a letter.

I wish this wasn't the case.

Fuck, I feel like we're trapped in purgatory right now.

Yeah, that's living the dream.

So, Zach, Zach pulled it off.

He's dating

the wheelchair check was so hot in the show.

She was a little nerdy looking, but back for a 90s, babe.

They hit the 90s, babe, for sure.

What season was it?

I hope I'm not going too early on this.

No, it was.

I know what you mean, though.

It was, you know, you're certainly a pretty girl.

I've been watching, my channel stuck on dance moms.

So I put it on, and my kids fucking love it.

But it's just, it's not like, I don't know, it's like,

I don't know what version of this is.

Was dance moms like white ladies or black ladies?

Because this is only black lady dance moms.

And it's just them outside.

The algorithm knows your house.

I told you I had Le Maire's blackass Netflix, right?

They just have a totally different Netflix than us.

It's crazy.

It's actually crazy because I don't think you watch the, do you watch all those shows?

No, my grandma does.

Oh, that's right.

We've discovered this.

Yes, the algo goes nuts.

Me and LeMaire's grandmother are battling for Netflix supremacy.

Yeah, dude, the dance moms is so funny.

It's just literally like ladies standing outside

of the dance studio looking into their kids, trying to figure out which ones are going to get pick for the audition.

It's just them just in each other's faces.

Like, you wait till you see my girls, the best.

It's just nonstop.

That's fun.

It's pretty fun.

I was watching that this morning.

I was watching a little dance moms this morning.

We're getting ready for that.

That's good.

What's the one?

It's not, it might not be dance moms.

Is it a

pageant?

What's that one?

Where the girls are in pageants?

I think it's pageant moms or something like that.

Yeah.

That's a whole other thing.

There's a really great clip where a fat lady gets told to be quiet.

She's in a scooter.

One of the other moms is like, you need need to put your phone down and pay attention.

And she just instantly throws her scooter into reverse and drives outside and goes straight to a police station to report an assault.

It's the funniest video.

Just her hitting the fucking, she's like, you need to be quiet.

She's like,

it just

hits the reverse.

I saw a video of a guy on a scooter menacing the block.

He was

zoomed up on somebody, choked, like grabbed them by their throat and put them down.

The lady tried to break it up and he hit the reverse and and just banked like

professor x he was dude he was so nice he was dominating people on a scooter dominating this guy must have been a menace back

from the scooter i swear to god grab this guy must have been an absolute menace when he was bipedal

total menace because he like gripped the guy dragged him down one hand yeah i mean he was he was you know he was like a fighting heroin addict but you know

That must be nice.

Dude, dominating the block?

Just dominating the block.

Yeah, if you just, if you were like a loser enough to be homeless without heroin,

if you stayed sober and just dominated all the fucking skeletors, some dude talking to you, you're sitting down, you go, come here, fuck him, get the fuck out of here.

You could toss those guys around.

You could toss them around like crazy.

They really could.

And they probably wouldn't get hurt.

It'd be kind of, it'd be fun.

Yeah, it'd be nice.

Especially, I mean, yeah, you could just blame them for whatever.

Just be like, I know you fucking

money that I spent in the car.

They definitely stole everything you have.

They are like little kids.

If you're like, hey, come here.

They're like going through 20 different things.

Like, fuck, fuck, fuck you.

Fuck, I'm busted.

Fuck you, man.

Fuck you.

What did you fucking say to the crib?

Yeah, he was getting it in.

He was backing over the lady was.

And then he ran over a woman.

Just right into her.

Where was this?

I don't know.

It was just on the internet.

Oh, I thought you saw it in Austin.

I was like, hell yeah.

That's crazy.

I saw a homeless guy with a fucking sword cane in Austin recently.

That was freaking me out.

I think I've seen that guy.

Really?

Is he by the mothership?

He was close.

He was by like the Black Rabbit.

Okay.

He had like, I was just like carrying a box of stuff and heard a lady like, don't poke anyone with that.

And I was like, I looked over and this guy had a like, dude, the blade was like that long.

And I was like, Jesus freaking Christ.

Damn, he's just

a cool helmet.

I'm still waiting for the day.

Like, four of them test me.

They're like, every time I pass them, I'm like, today could be the day.

They're going to test you.

They're going to test my survival.

Yes.

That must have been crazy back in the day when you've been through like four or five life or death battles.

The swag would be crazy.

I was like thinking about that the other day.

I was like, dude, my swag would just be different if you had survived several beatings, like several fights to the death.

The swag would be nuts, dude.

This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks.

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riffing point.

Please talk about what you think of the playoffs so far.

Matt, please talk about what you think of the playoffs so far.

I'm thinking about these championships right now.

Are there any particular teams or fixtures that you've enjoyed or players?

Right now, for me, dude, the Phillies are red hot.

The Phillies are red hot.

The Phillies are red hot.

I think they might be talking about basketball or hockey, but for sure.

But you're not wrong to be thinking about October right now.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm thinking.

A lot of guys get lost in the dog days of summer, and that's where teams start to rise and fall.

I mean, I like where your head's at, though.

The red hot Phillies need to focus on a red October.

But in terms of basketball, I'm trying to think who I think could take it all in basketball.

Not the Knicks.

They lost.

No, they lost last night, but they lost 3-1 in Indiana.

Exactly.

So I think Indiana's going to take that.

I like the Pacers much.

I do, too.

I don't like the way the Knicks handled themselves when they finally won a fucking playoff series, the fans.

Yeah.

I'm going for the Pacers.

That's coming from an Eagles fan.

Have some clash.

The OKC is looking good.

Thunder, yeah.

Thunder are looking good.

Yeah.

Well, that's who I like.

You think the Thunder's going to win?

Yeah, I think so.

But it's fun to watch Halliburton.

What to Haddie?

Oh, yeah.

More.

Matt, these playoffs have been unreal with crazy things happening almost every night.

Crazy things are happening all the time.

Do you have the vision to know what will happen next?

Let's see what we are cooking up heading into the last few games.

I'm going to go playoff matchup I have my eyes on.

Yeah.

I like Indiana headed to the garden.

Ooh.

For the win.

For the dissent shit.

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No, I'm good.

I added a bunch of dates.

So

July, I'm going to do Oklahoma City, Kansas City.

August, I'm going to do Louisville, St.

Louis, Detroit, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee.

And in September, I'm going to do Houston, Tulsa, Hollywood, Florida, and Orlando.

Please come.

Hell yeah.

And don't be confused by the ticket pricing.

Old DJT, Kid Rock, signed a little bill that kind of fucks me in the ass, if I'm being honest.

It takes all the hidden fees and includes them in the ticket price.

Yeah, so like it shows up as that.

It's like, god damn, I was trying to make my prices

cheap.

People were paying that anyway, but they were getting

it anyway, but you get a little sticker shock when you see, yeah,

what the hell is this?

This better be funny.

Yeah, true.

it's not that funny goddamn

i'll be at the improv the hollywood improv june 25th and then the ontario improv ontario california june 26th through the 28th filming a special please come and then this is a big one uh ovation hall in atlantic city new jersey august 16th

yeah i'm gonna try to come up with some newer stuff is that oceans yeah fuck yeah it'll be sick so i'm kind of excited for that so i'm gonna try to blend in some new stuff in case people travel down from Philadelphia.

Nice.

That's it.

All right.

Goodbye.

Told you I was reading about the mines recently.

Yeah, I like that.

Dude,

they used to build temples in the ocean.

So it would be like a stone's throw away.

They would say that's how far.

Their units of measurement, they would measure the depth of holes by,

I forget the word, but it was like the average height of a man.

It's seven a lottos deep.

And they would just be like, it's like six guys deep.

That's good.

It's really nice.

But yeah, they would build these like

temples out, like, you know, 10 feet out in the ocean out of limestone.

I don't know how the fuck they did this.

And then they were wasting a lot of time.

I think they really were.

They should have been focused on other things.

They, yeah, they could have figured some other stuff out.

Instead of temples in the ocean,

they started to really focus.

They were just like cutting people's heads off and letting the blood drip down the steps.

They would have like a cool statue of a snake and be like, this thing's like a snake eating a lion.

Like, we got to get some blood on it.

We're going to have to cut some people's heads off.

We got to cut some people's heads off.

Who's that village next door that we hate?

Dude, yeah.

Let's sacrifice those fuckers.

They'll never join up with anybody that shows up.

They'll never finally join up with people.

I didn't know there was like three or four unsuccessful expeditions before Cortez.

Like, a couple dudes rolled up and got fucking smoked by the lions.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, they'd roll up like 40 deep and be like, come here, guys.

And these dudes would just go bonkers.

And they're like, we had the weaponry.

We thought they were like, we could get them.

But they would just, we were firing shit off our boats at them.

And they were like, we don't.

They just kept sending guys.

And then

it would take your boy and they would fatten him up.

So the dudes who were in POV, POW getting POV.

Yeah, I don't know.

Look at these girlfriends.

They would capture you and you would just be getting fed non-stop.

And then you'd slowly be like, shit, they're fucking, they would eat one of your boys.

And you go, oh, no, dude.

I thought they were treating me like a king over here.

And they would fatten, they would just like have dudes they captured and be like, hmm, he's looking looking pretty good he's getting pretty good these guys no offense to any uh minions listening but these guys deserved what they had coming

yeah i didn't i didn't know they got the the spanish got crushed a couple times a couple times it was like these they would launch these like expeditions and just end up on the shore and it would just be cannibals fucking freaking out at you as soon as you rolled up they'd be blowing darts fucking throwing shit at you but that's yeah Just it was like they were like more explorer types.

They would hang out, roll up, and be like, oh, this is sick.

Some small amount took down everybody.

Oh, yeah.

Well, Cortez, apparently.

I don't know if this is, I don't know if there was multiple Cortez's, but this was a, his name was Cortez.

I forget his first name.

But like, after like two or three dudes rolled up and got kind of what for, he was like, fuck this, and brought like 11 ships and 500 dudes.

And then he showed up, and they just thought, like, you know, it wasn't even just about like his beard.

He, I forget what he, oh, he rolled up and he took the whole village.

He took everything, and then he found a guy's, it was like a nobleman's wife, one of the Lord's wives, and he he was like,

They plundered everything, and he contacted.

He was like, Go back and tell him, like, we're going to give you back all your stuff.

And the villagers all came back, and they all, the Spaniards were like, here's all your shit.

We're not trying to fuck with you.

We're just trying to get, we're trying to chill with you guys.

And they were like, fuck, this dude rules.

And I think eventually he fucking crushed all of them.

Yeah, I forget.

It's the beginning of Guns, Germs, and Steel, which is pretty funny.

It's like that.

They just rolled in on horses and shit.

And they, yeah, just opened fire.

Yeah.

everybody started spazzing.

Yeah, they immediately captured the king, yeah.

Well, that was like, yeah, when they told him the Aztecs,

it was one of them where they brought him in.

It was just him and like six dudes in the king's, like, inner sanctum.

They were like, dude, you guys are so cool.

Your beards are so fucking sick.

And then they're like, yeah, cool, man.

Yeah, that's awesome.

You see our swords?

The one Cortez I heard, he like was kind of chilling with him and, you know, getting down.

Eventually, they gave him a

Mayan bride.

And he, like, that was like his lady.

He started sailing with her, and she would like, um, yeah, I don't know if it was the Cortez the killer or just another Cortez, but yeah, their flag was sick, dude.

It was just the cross.

They'd be like, All, all who worship this symbol, like, worship this symbol and have faith in it, and we will conquer.

They would just fly in.

They actually,

this Cortez was a big missionary.

He would go in their temples and just knock their statues down and be like, you guys got to praise the Virgin Mary.

And apparently, a lot of them were like, for sure.

And when they would go, other Spaniards would pass by some of the villages on boats, they would just go, Maria, Maria.

Nice.

They loved Mary, dude.

That's good.

Yeah, it was pretty chill.

Yeah, I guess you'd have to kind of believe them.

You know what I mean?

If you spent your whole life watching everybody get their head cut off and you're throwing rocks in the ocean to try to build a temple.

Yeah.

Somebody shows up on a fucking spaceship.

Someone shows up on a giant, 11 giant boats and they ride horses off the boat onto the beach.

You're just like, bro.

Yeah, I'm with them.

I trust them.

What's your story?

And they're like, no, dude.

And they were just like, that's so fucking sick.

Because their guy, Kitzelquotel, was like their big, that was like their big dude.

Dude, you know what his name was originally?

Cocoon.

Just like the Irish mythological guy.

Cocoon.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, kind of nuts.

Remember that lady I tried to book for the podcast who was like an ancient alien specialist?

She wrote a whole book about how the Mayans were Irish.

We was Mayans.

We was Mayans, too.

I knew we was Mayans.

But yeah, I'm going to keep reading that book.

It's pretty tight.

It was written by this guy, Diego Landa, who was just a missionary, who was documenting just kind of how they got down.

And they just kind of like studied outer space really hard, and then they just cut people's heads off and just chilled.

Pretty cool.

Yeah, it's awesome.

But yeah, they were.

I wish I knew more about it.

I never really

got into the Aztecs or the Mayans.

The Incas, I was big for a little.

I like the Incas.

I'm always, I never know where the fuck they live.

The Mayans were the Yucatan.

The Incas are like Peru.

Okay, so they're in Peru.

The Andes Mountains.

And where were the Aztecs?

They were Mexican.

The Aztecs were Mexico as well.

Okay.

Yeah.

Because they do have stuff like that.

I think the Mayans and Aztecs didn't really overlap.

But apparently, they were Mexicans that weren't Mayans that would come down.

They would battle the Mayans a lot too.

They were battling the lads like way back when.

Who knows?

But yeah, it's pretty cool.

The Spaniards would come down and get in a fight and they would name the places.

The one bay is just called the Malo Pelar, which just means the bad fight.

It was really sick.

Oh, they were city states.

Sometimes I see.

Mayan, yeah, the Mayans were independent city-states.

Yeah,

it wasn't like one empire.

No, they weren't like a group of people.

They were just kind of a bunch of different

flourished until 900 AD, so like 500 years before the Spanish got there.

Yeah, but then they think they just became like...

They were probably just chilling.

Yeah, they were just chillers.

They had one central town.

They all joined in, allegedly, after fucking Keitzukuoto showed them how to get down.

And they all hung out, but there would always be three brothers who were chill, and then they would just turn evil and kill each other every time.

Three brothers, they'd start a podcast, turn on each other.

It would just be three dudes being like, yeah, we're in charge of all this.

And then one day, one would be like, I want 75 fucking wives.

It's usually how it goes.

Yeah, Hernan Cortez.

Yeah.

Dude was the bro.

I didn't get to the part where they, I mean, it was written by the Spaniards, so the guy was just like, yeah, dude, he's pretty chill.

I never liked him.

I don't know what else.

He's pretty fucking cool.

Yeah.

But yeah, they had a guy who was, there was like two kind of like bishop type dudes.

And one guy was like, we have to torture these guys because they keep worshiping snakes and cutting people's heads off.

So we had to torture them to like, it's the only way these guys, and the guy's like, we can't torture him.

And then one dude, he's like, try, he came to convince the guy, like, we shouldn't be doing this.

And the guy's like, no, watch this.

And just like torture torture the guy in front of him.

He's like, it works.

Fuck it.

He's like pulling a dude's teeth out of his head.

Like, see?

See, he doesn't like it.

Now he'll do whatever I want.

He doesn't like it at all.

Now he's really afraid of us.

I was trying to think about

the different races of human beings and which one are like air, water, earth, fire.

I like thought about this the other day.

I was at the beach.

I was just high at the beach, and I was like, damn, dude.

I kind of figured it out.

It's like, white people are water people, I believe.

Asians are air.

And then you go down to like.

You're saying black people mud?

No.

No.

Latinos are fire for sure.

That was the kind of the back.

No, it's earth.

There's nothing wrong with earth.

No, there's nothing wrong at all.

My thing was, but then someone gets out.

I'm so sick to control the sea, dude.

Someone gets left out, though.

That was, I was like, I thought I had it mapped out.

I'm like, wait a second.

Because then you have Indians.

Indians are definitely Earth.

They could be fire, dude.

Indians are Earth, for sure.

Indians are, I had that, because I was like, yeah, because then I forgot about Latinos.

I'm like, okay, they're fire for sure.

But then it's like Earth.

But I was going, what about my African brothers?

What would they be?

Because then I'm like, I was like, maybe the Ether.

I could throw in the fifth.

It could be the Aether.

What do you guys think?

I think I heard what I was.

I think Earth.

But then what about Indian guys?

Someone's getting left out.

Then what are Indian guys?

They're with Asians.

They can be combined.

True.

Air, Earth, Air.

They can be farts.

All right.

I'm trying to keep it respectful, dude.

Who's farts then?

What about Arabs?

You're forgetting Arabs.

It's like.

That's Indian guys.

You say Indians and Arabs are farts.

That's your words.

I was really hoping to keep this respectful.

How do you think it was going to happen?

Dude, you want to break down right now?

I was in my bathroom brushing my teeth.

I was like, yeah, this could actually go really hard.

I'll share this one.

Do you guys have any?

Would you like to help us here?

Would any African-American fellows want to see?

Sure, I'd like to create space for different voices.

We'd like to see.

I just know, definitely not water.

I kind of thought fire.

Why aren't we fire?

Dude, we're more fire than Latinos, bro.

Come on.

Yeah.

No way.

How are you guys fired?

Believe it.

You guys aren't fire.

You guys are Earth.

Latino Heat.

Yeah, it's Latino Heat.

Yeah, bro.

I don't know, man.

Look, I don't want to speak for you guys.

I like to elevate your voices in the matter.

Thank you.

Yeah, we do want to hold in space for

black podcasters.

Thank you.

But yeah, Earth, dude.

You guys got to claim Earth's probably the best one.

I think we're plasma.

Plasma.

Plasma, the fifth element.

The fifth ether.

I was giving you guys ether.

I was like, that's...

I was like, ether is the best.

Indian guys are Earths for sure.

I can't believe you're pleading the fifth on this.

The fifth element?

No, Earth's good for you guys.

Yeah, they're all elements.

Why is Earth good?

Because I don't know.

Everybody claims the first humans were from Africa, just came, you know.

True.

That's nice.

I like that.

And it's one of those things where, like, Asians are definitely air.

Let's do process of elimination.

They run on the trees.

They're air.

Air benders.

What about black people are avatars, man?

We fucking get all four, I think.

If we're from Africa, you get all four.

Water?

I get all four.

Yeah.

And no offense.

Just spraying water out of your hands.

Like, oh, shit.

Air?

Did you ever see those, like, Jamaican guys jump off the barge into the water?

It's in the air.

It's between you guys and Asians.

You guys are confusing air with just jumping.

We're talking about air supremacy.

I don't know if you have a a cheese.

Do you want Chinese air?

That stuff's bad.

Don't turn this on me.

Forget I even brought this up, guys.

I'm sorry.

Let's just drop it.

Let's just fucking drop it, dude.

Did you guys came in mature enough?

Did you guys can't be mature enough to have Earth?

Earth's the best.

If we would have said white people are Earth, you would have been like, no, we're Earth.

I don't think it's true.

For sure.

Yeah, all the elements are, none of them are more essential than the others.

It's don't make us take earth,

we can take it all.

That's the reason I'm not saying we have control water, we can take everything.

I know if we said we had earth, you guys would come and take it.

That's why I was being quiet about it.

Fine, we'll give you guys air, white people, the avatars.

Fine, white people are the avatars.

Never even thought of that.

That's a good answer.

You're right, we definitely are avatars.

I just wanted to wait to hear what black people said.

Like, no, that's ours.

That's actually, that's ours.

That's a good idea, but we're going to take that.

We're going to take that idea.

It's really cool.

I can't believe you said Indians and Arabs were farts.

That's fucking wrong, dude.

I didn't think about the gas element.

They could be gas.

Yes.

Dude.

Oh, dude.

Switching gears.

Changing gears, dude.

I wanted to tell you, dude, I went to, to, I think I told you this yesterday, but I was at Port Arances, Texas, the beach.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, it is

at first glance, the sickest setup.

You ever been to a 4x4 beach?

Cars pull up?

Oh, no.

I don't know if I have.

Dude, this was, for real,

it was insane, man.

It was like fucking...

Only during COVID-19.

Where were you?

I was in Hilton Head, but it's not typically, you're not allowed to do that.

Not allowed to do that.

Typically, but it was COVID, dude.

There were no rules.

The beach was a road.

Like that upper portion of the beach was like a fire.

Outer banks has that.

Yeah, okay.

Dude, it was kind of sick.

Just like you just bop around golf carts, faded on a golf cart, blasting.

You had the music from your phone.

That's water stuff.

The speaker, true, for sure.

Yeah, you're talking water.

For sure.

Also, dude, it was the Texas beach.

Everyone pulls up and like sets up like pretty sick setups, like a truck.

It's like a tailgate, barbecues, Trump flags everywhere.

Got me thinking.

It's like nobody parties under the Biden banner.

People party under the Trump flag.

I've never seen someone just get down under a Biden flag.

Oh, that would suck so bad.

Holy shit.

That would be so.

I mean, it'd be really funny.

Just turkey burgers.

Just do it at that beach.

Do it at that beach.

See how long before you get your fucking ass beats, dude.

Just like turkey burgers and fucking impossible.

Impossible.

Just blasting Kendrick's new album.

They not like us, they not like us.

Never seen it.

You've never seen somebody flying a bad in a Biden banner and just partying.

Get a nice Kamal flag, too.

That's a party.

That would be tight.

A Harris Walls flag.

Just getting wrecked.

Just having so much blasting NPR.

I'd be like, that's actually very important.

I never thought of it like that.

I didn't think about that.

Just kissing a guy.

Yeah, it wasn't a very inviting party flag.

The Biden.

No.

Couldn't have any fun.

It wasn't very fun.

It was not fun.

You couldn't blast Kid Rock's summer anthem.

And whiskey out the bottle.

Turn this off.

That's tough.

He shot the butt line.

Turn this off.

Turn that off right now.

Yeah, man.

I'm telling you, I want to see somebody do it.

I want everyone to have fun.

but it turns out the Trump flags are kind of corner of the ball.

They're kind of a beacon for a good party.

Kind of, dude.

Yeah, you have a good time.

It was kind of making me sad.

But at nighttime, it is funny.

My friend was pointing it out.

It's like, it is Fury Road.

You go on the beach at nighttime and it's just kids hanging off golf carts like war boys.

It was fun.

But, dude, the.

Were there some fires going at night?

Yep.

You had a beach fire.

Dude, they would come out.

The thing was called

Cinnamon Shorts.

So, like, you go to Port Arantis, and it's like the town, by the way, bleak.

It's a, I went to the grocery store like 10 minutes away to grab some supplies for last night.

Dude,

I'm not exaggerating this at all.

There was an older lady cashier, and I, you know, she was just kind of sitting there, and I'm like, hey, how are you doing?

You know, normal stuff.

Yeah.

She just sighs and she was like,

not good.

Like, okay.

Good for her.

Dude, it was not.

It was actually refreshing.

And I was like, oh dude and then she take dude took it even further she was like

yeah i just

i don't like this job at all and i was like okay i was like fair enough and i was like you know what let me shut up it's probably annoying you know it's the 50th because she was like it's just the same thing just people come and over and over and i'm like yeah you know what let me shut up it's i'm probably the 50th guy to ask you how your day is she's like yeah i just i just remember my like you know my life used to have meaning i was like okay wow she said all this yeah dude and then she goes she was like i used to be an assistant uh, assistant librarian in Samoa.

I was like, okay, cool.

She's like, yeah, then a flood took the place out.

Really bad flood.

Killed a lot of children.

I'm just like, Jesus fucking Christ.

She goes, there were families of children that died.

She's like, luckily, and this was what, this like made the other person lying next to me turn around.

She goes, luckily it wasn't on the tourist side.

And I was like, oh, fuck.

Oh, man.

Damn.

Damn, she had a little Cortez in her.

Yeah, dude.

It's pretty good.

Luckily, it didn't get the pale faces.

Dude,

I think she was kind of faded, dude.

There was a display of buzzballs next to her.

I'm like, she must be crushing these buzzballs.

I would, too.

Yeah, I would.

Bro, if you're sitting there going, you know what, I don't have any meaning in my life.

I'm a cashier here.

I'm sick of this.

What's that, a buzzball?

I'm going to take down the ball.

I was going to notice.

Was that a butterscotch buzzball?

That sounds like fucking hell.

She kept, dude, she kept going.

She was like, yeah, man.

She was like...

You know, could you imagine funerals are sad, but imagine a funeral for multiple children at the same time.

I'm like, Jesus Christ.

She's like, and you got to put the bodies up high because if you put them down low, they just wash away.

I'm like, okay.

Dude, it was a 10-minute exchange.

She's like, yeah, my ex-husband, we met out there.

He's a drunk.

All the guys in Samoa, by the time they're 60, they're drunks.

They have nothing to do.

They're just drunks.

Probably drunks before that.

She was like,

she just broke down her ex-husband.

She's like, smart guy.

No common sense.

He's probably drunk right now.

And I'm like, looking at her, like, you're probably drunk right now, lady.

But

went on for 10.

And then I finally, like, i got the last thing bagged up and i was like all right have a good one and then she just like just smiled such a big smile and i was like okay thank you she goes so how are you doing yeah true yeah

so what's up with you it's all right well shit's going well i'll just sign a spotify deal uh it's pretty easy i just do podcasts it's pretty good i actually haven't beat off in like seven days i'm getting raging boners every morning should have fired back that's good dude i've been fucking i i i don't know what happened i've turned a corner we'll see if i can keep it but i'm just bro this episode is brought to you by viori so there's a lot of sports out there obviously you've got basketball baseball and football but then there's running climbing yoga pickleball but the good news is that you only need one pair of shorts for all of it the core short from viore that's right the core short is the short that started it all for viore

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I'm just like, I'm not, I'm not at, I'm not even trying to have sex.

I'm not fapping.

I'm just like, just going to be really, I've tried this so many times, but I think I've turned the corner where I've been getting charged up that like when I'm like...

I mean, obviously, you're known, you have to come really bad.

I've just been like reveling in that feeling.

And I'm just like, dude, I'm just going to charge myself up as much as I can.

Every once in a while when I'm hung over, I get the ultimate.

Yes.

You need to come right now.

Yes, dude.

Yeah.

I drove home kind of like that, and I was not lying.

What happens on drive sometimes?

Dude, I was rock hard.

You rock hard for an entire drive, dude.

It was a three-hour, 45-minute drive.

No calf.

I think I might have been hard for two and a half hours straight.

Yeah.

Just non-stop.

It was like I was driving, and Brittany would like put her hand on my thigh, and I was for real going, like,

I was trying to shift it.

I was fucking, I was in a state, dude.

It was crazy.

But yeah,

I'm going to try to keep it up and just see if I can get charged up off the life energy.

Because it's a huge difference, man.

When you're ramped like that, if you can just power through it, you have energy.

All these people say they're tired.

It's like, bro, hold it.

Yeah, for real.

I want to try to not do it for a month and then get my T checked and just see what my levels are.

I would imagine they'd be fucking high.

If you just held, if you held in your goop,

I mean, I'm like a broken record on this, but I feel I might have turned the corner.

I think it's a good thing.

You're very interested in the goop and goop retention.

I am.

Well, it's like.

You got goop on the brain.

I get goop on the brain.

It's goop retention, goop release.

I like it all.

Everything goop.

All things goop.

I'm here to discuss goop.

So, yeah, that's been a welcome development.

And I like, I keep taking the maca.

I'm just feeding the beast.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I've been waking up really.

I got a feeling these boys have not retained any goop.

These guys, they don't let the money go.

The mayor had a blanket over himself when I came in.

Oh, man.

Goopless.

You were in this room for five minutes before you laid down with a blanket?

Goopless, dude.

I'm tired.

No goop.

Yeah, that's a goopless man.

There's no goop in the system.

You probably got rid of your goop this morning, didn't you?

No.

Do you lie like a rogue?

This morning count is three in the morning.

Oh, you got your fucking goop out of three?

Yeah, dude.

Did you?

I heard you had a little bit of a partner here?

No.

You had a hot date?

It wasn't a date.

There's no partners.

Huh?

No, you individually gooped at 3 a.m.

Yeah.

It's a late night goop session.

It was a drink.

Wretching hour.

It was a drunk goop.

Yeah.

Some of the nastiest goops possibly.

A drunk goop is fucking weird.

You just throw your phone in a fire afterwards.

Yeah, a drunk goop.

That's no good.

I always throw my phone.

It was like a pile of clothes.

I always throw my phone on a pile of clothes and I'm done.

Get this thing going.

Be gone.

Yeah.

Has anyone gotten freaky with AI?

What do you mean?

Just been like,

find me the freakiest vids.

Or like, you could, yet.

No one's ever gotten freaky with it, I don't think.

I've never even considered asking AI for a purn.

I've never asked AI one thing.

I've never used it once.

I don't even know what chat GBT is.

I've never looked at it.

Dude, I was the same way like three weeks ago, and I've started using it.

It's like a very ball, it's like Google wants terrorists.

Oh, I guess I do with Google because now that that just automatically comes up, but whatever.

Fucking,

I don't know.

I'm not worried about AI, dude.

I'm holding it down.

I'm not at all, dude.

I don't know why everyone's spazzing out about it.

It's like, I don't know.

I don't think like, well, the thing is, if you have a job where you're like doing admin work, toast.

You're a toast.

Good.

If I was doing admin work, I'd be like, release me from this.

My life, I'd rather my life.

I'm not a cashier next to fucking

at least you get to talk to people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, they're going to have to figure it out because it will erase.

I was going to say they're going to make cashiers automated, but that's where the Earth people are really helping.

We can't automate the cashiers.

No, you know what they do now with the automated cashiers?

They wait until you're just on camera and they wait until you get up to like $500 of theft and they just come to your house.

So you can have a field day and eventually you get a knock on the door and they're like, yo, bro.

They wait till it gets to whatever the limit is for like larceny.

And then you just get a knock on the door.

Damn.

Yeah, that's how they get you now.

But they are like

the last, they're fighting against the AI.

I fought, I fought.

I thought you guys want to automate this.

Yeah, you've been you've I've waged war against them and I got and I and I dude I'm telling you it's I knew I was like they just came out

They budget for billions of loss even like any store does there's like the theft the loss prevention is like they're like we're gonna lose at least a billion this year like in Walmart.

They know they're like we're losing whatever it is 100 million or whatever.

So I was like, bro, these are just rolling out.

And I went ham.

And then eventually I was like, all right, I'm done.

I quit.

I was like, this is ridiculous.

You got out of the game.

You know how crazy it is to steal like rotisserie chickens when your Patreon's popping?

It felt bad.

I was like, I can't anymore.

This is a crime.

This is a crime, dude.

We're like number three on Patreon.

I'm like, I was reaping the benefits.

I was reaping the benefits.

I'd be back home.

I was your little fucking,

you were feeding me, dude.

I would lay back home.

You'd go, I stole this rotisserie.

I'm back.

I put these vitamins in a box at Whole Foods and pretended it was scrambled eggs.

They were $2.

Yeah, that was.

I lady got caught doing my method, which was you take a price tag off of a smaller price item, hold it under like a, I would get a whole like sheet cover for like 200 bucks, scan like a Walmart t-shirt over it.

So on camera, I'm scanning this thing, but it would come up as like four, seven bucks.

But yeah, I stopped.

I retired my jersey.

It's good.

I was like,

I mean, dude, the meat.

I would get fucking like 10 pounds of meat and just not rain.

We need that meat.

You just bag it all up.

We need it.

Oh, man.

You really killed me.

Lamar got one pound of meat last night.

He was tenderizing last night.

That's disgusting, Lamar.

Three o'clock goop, man.

And then you're laying on the couch.

You got a goop session?

You come in here and lay on my couch.

I know you didn't.

I'm certain you didn't shower.

I showered.

My fucking dick, you showered.

I showered.

I showered.

Dribbling on the couch.

Ew.

The goop man, the big goop.

You guys have any goop in you, or what's your guys' deal?

Yeah, I gooped last night.

Jesus.

Jesus Christ,

whole squad's just dropping goops.

I also gooped.

Goopless.

I wasn't going to fall asleep early enough without gooping.

Did you have to scurry away to goop?

I had to put my dog in his kennel.

I'll throw a blanket over him.

He can't see me.

It'll devastate me.

Where'd you catch the goop sesh?

Living room.

Yo, bro.

That's all I got.

Living room, bedroom.

Bathroom, bro.

Bathroom.

She'll hear the door.

I was telling La Maris the other day.

You wanted to goop without making love.

You don't want to make any love.

It's that time of the month.

All right.

All right.

Yeah,

I just entered that period right now.

I had to goop.

God damn it.

She's a witch.

Yeah,

I just entered into that right now.

We'll see.

I think I'm about to.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're all

based on

recent attitudes.

The forecast got a little cloudy.

Dude.

Storm's coming.

There has to be a thing.

Actually, some women go on SSRIs during their periods.

there's a, they like diagnose a mental condition that's like menstrual-induced depression or whatever it is.

Menstrual-induced, fucking mean as hell.

Good nurse.

Fucking mean as hell, dude.

Yeah.

And some women now take Paxil and shit while on their periods.

But, you know, that sucks.

That's a good move.

I might start.

Yeah, be like,

I'm worried about you.

I made you some tea.

Eight Xanax.

she's gonna sleep for a week they should be able to go like into like a mini coma for like a week that's fucking bullshit they kind of do

they really do they hibernate for like three days true

just some movie on Netflix like these beautiful things

I will say this.

Shut the door.

In defense of old Benson Boone.

Yeah.

I was trying to hate the boy.

And I watched his American Idol.

Killed it.

That's kind of nice.

He crushed it.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Yeah, I just

don't like the outfits very much.

They're not for me.

What are the outfits going on?

Just a giant honker in a

fucking bell-bottoms onesie.

It fucking does a flip off a piano and goes, meh!

Yeah.

It's just not for me.

I know what you're talking about now.

Yeah.

Yeah, that, I mean, dude, when you enter into girl, if you become like a female entertainer, it's like

time's up.

You got to dress,

you know, kind of,

you know, like a gay guy.

Because if you, if you're just like trying to be a female entertainer and you just wore like cool, normal shit like we wear, like fucking alpha shit.

Normal shit, alpha stuff.

Yeah, like alpha shit.

Like, for some reason, there's.

Polo shorts, not a big deal.

Just something cash and light.

Like, nothing crazy, but it's definitely like pretty.

Something totally cash.

Let's everyone in the room know I don't care.

Yeah, for sure.

I don't care that you guys are dressing up.

I dress like this.

Yeah, like you guys are so worried about gooping.

I don't look, if you don't even worry about gooping, you don't have to wear anything, dude.

If you don't worry about gooping, the goop comes to you.

Girls see you, they go, That guy's dressed like a fucking dumbass.

I'm gonna get his goop out of him.

Oh, dude, also, I only get goop from guys that dress like fifth graders.

It works,

dude.

On the drive from Austin Austin down to Port Arancis, you just kind of cut through these small Texas towns.

And in every, dude, there'd be a town of like, you know, when you come through and you're like, how?

Like, I like, this is crazy.

Like, how do you even exist here?

You know, it could be a town of like four people.

DQ.

DQ's like.

Defer, yeah.

Bro, it's like spice.

It's on Arrakis.

Like, whoever controls the fucking blizzard, yeah.

Whoever controls the blizzard controls the whole town.

So hot down there, bro.

I know.

You get a nice blizzard.

And they're, dude, every town, it's like they there's just like nothing dq sticking up and you're like fuck bro it's funny you notice that i noticed that when i was down in arizona did you every single small town dq yeah man that's like it's the it's the taco bells too and uh

usually yeah

del tacos

but yeah DQ for sure.

Might have to get into the DQ small town game.

Just lording over small towns with the DQ.

We had one in McCannsburg that was a pretty big deal.

Yeah, dude.

They're fucking

every kid's sports game is

straight to DQ.

Yeah.

You know, they do the hot food, too.

The little chilly dog.

Mary's got something to say about the DQ.

I was going to say, Matt would be a great ice cream, man.

I did work at an ice cream place before.

My hygiene wasn't good.

I would be even the batch.

Oh, bro.

I'd be like itching my butt in the back.

They'd be like, get out there and make some cones.

I'd be like, all right.

I used to walk by the gallons, open the thing, and just scoop it with my hands and eat the ice cream.

It was so gross.

Matt, I worked in an ice cream factory, and my hygiene wasn't great either.

I would fucking sleep on the floor in the locker room and wake up and stick my hands straight in the ice cream.

How could you not?

If you ate Hershey's ice cream in 2010.

Yeah, I was at Brewster's.

Brewster's fucking rules.

That's a good place.

It was a sick job, man.

But, you know, whatever.

I'll be honest.

I was like, come to think of it, the

hygiene was low in the factory.

Yeah.

It was poor hygiene.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, it's not the best.

Yeah, I remember, like, for real, coming out of the bathroom from taking a dump and, like, handling a cone, and the manager would be like, did you wash your hands in the bathroom?

I'd be like, yes, dude, there's a sign, of course.

I would just scratch my balls afterwards.

I was like, yeah, what the hell are you talking about?

Love seeing that sign at a place I don't work at.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That sucks for the employees.

It sucks for those guys.

I can go straight back out to the public with a dump on my hands.

Straight back to the beer pong table.

I don't think I, like, as a child, I know for a fact I never wash my hands after dumping.

Yeah, even, even, never, sadly, even as an adult, it's like, if I wash my hands after I take a piss, I'm like,

yeah, that's really turned a corner.

I mean,

am I a doctor?

Mate used to not wipe his butt.

You might be fart.

You're not Earth, dude.

I saw it coming.

I was like five or six.

I didn't have time.

I had to get back.

Yeah, I had to get back to my Power Rangers and my Beast Wars.

So you would just not wipe your ass?

I would just get right up.

I learned my lesson quickly.

It only takes a short amount of not wipes until year one, your underwear devastated.

Oh,

holy shit.

You must have had full dumps in there.

You must have had insane dumps.

Did somebody step in on this or were you just naturally?

I think my mom might have said something because at that age, I was still wearing straight, tidy whites.

Yep.

So she was, yeah, the laundry was fucking chaos.

Yeah.

She would hit me with the are you wipe and I'd be like, yes.

Shit.

Yes.

I was like a fool,

full, like maybe a year.

Damn.

But it may, maybe.

It must have been free, though.

That must have been nice, just like popping up, being like suckers.

I was still like, you know, I learned I was doing it myself.

That's big once you start doing that.

Yeah.

I'll be honest, as an adult, I've tried it a couple times.

I'm like, you know, you're wiping, you're like, like, man, this is really getting me nowhere.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you can probably fucking give up.

You can definitely, look, that happens to everybody.

I've wiped seven times.

I got to go about my day.

I can't sit here wiping my ass for 20 fucking minutes.

The give up never works.

You end up going back to the bathroom.

Or you just forget.

I'll be like, before bed, I'll be like moving.

I'm like, what the fuck?

The hell's going on?

My ass is itchy as well.

Literally last night.

I was walking by, and I took a nice, oh, I took a nice dump during the day, and I thought it was fine enough.

I was like, all right, I'm good to go.

I like was about to get ready for bed, and I was like, something's not right.

And I took, I was like, I always took a piss, and I like, just like, the father's intuition.

I was like, let me just, let me see, let me just get one little ass wipe before bed, dude.

You would have thought.

Oh, you would have thought I just.

I was like, oh, no.

I heard Brittany come up the steps.

I was like,

real freak about this.

When she catches me just wiping my ass at nighttime, she's like, what are you doing?

I'm like, nothing.

I'm getting ready for bed.

Leave me alone.

Yeah, I'm jerking off in here.

Getting my goop out.

Getting my goop out.

But yeah, I unfortunately, yeah, I had a five-year-old's ass last night before bedtime.

I thought I was like, I didn't even, you know, I didn't even thought I'd give up.

I was like, thought I was good to go.

I thought I was Gucci.

Turns out not the case.

No, we've all, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

No, yeah.

I hit a hard, I hit a give up the other day that's straight to the shower.

That's the move.

That is the move, man.

Yeah, this isn't working.

Yeah, straight to the shower.

I walked past my whole family.

I was in the downstairs bathroom.

Brittany's like, are you done pooping?

I was like, taking it to the shower.

This was a disaster.

Jesus Christ, this was a disaster.

This was a complete disaster.

I've got to wash my ass.

I've got to power wash my asshole.

What are we having for breakfast?

Prepare breakfast.

I'll be done washing my ass in a minute.

Next time she catches me wiping my ass at nighttime, I'm gonna turn her and go, these beautiful things are there.

Do a backlip off the toilet and land on my back.

You gotta hear the other guy.

I forget the way it uh

it's like you'll be married in the suburbs.

Exactly.

There's another sexy crooner right now.

It's a white guy on Instagram.

They call it Kyle Core, this type of music.

Yeah.

It's Kyle Core.

All you need is one good girl hit, man.

Yeah.

You're good to go.

He's kind of getting clowned, though.

Everyone's saying this is not it.

What do you mean?

It's just super corny.

It's

chain five.

I'll look for it.

you're living the American

And I'll be dancing on California.

Oh, I heard this song.

Fuck.

Fuck.

He seems old to be that whimsical and gay.

I mean, how old are you?

He's probably late 20s, I would say.

That's when you're just getting old enough to become, honestly, even gayer.

True, some guys do double down.

Oh, yeah.

For sure.

Yeah, he has, he knows like one person who had a kid, and he's like, oh, oh, my God.

Yeah.

And you'll be in California.

And I'll be dancing.

You'll be fucking going to the grocery store, you stupid bitch.

And I'll be singing and gooping everywhere.

He might have gooped that night, night, though.

There were some people

filming that that looked like they were ready for some goop.

Women love nothing more than a guy that keeps a guitar and be like, It's so hard for you.

I'll be scooping out in California.

I'm telling you, you guys see Machine Gun Gelli put out the goop anthem of the summer, too.

What was the goop anthem he put out?

He put out a full-on fucking goop sesh for the Broads.

What was it?

It was a screamo goop sash?

Uh,

Yolt, or is it more pop punk?

It's pop

Pop.

Yeah, it's screen mode.

It's just pop.

Yeah, you put it out a nice goop sesh.

That guy is like the perfect celebrity, though.

Just like he'll like wear one of those guys who'll just wear like Frankenstein boots.

Oh, he's like going full Backstreet Boys.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Backstreet's back.

All right.

Backstreet's fucking backstream.

Yeah.

Concept that.

We're not allowed to play cool goop music.

I think we can play.

If we're talking about it, it's Cromen license or whatever or something.

Allegedly.

I don't know.

Allegedly.

Put it on a goop anthem.

It's him and the California Dancing in California guy that are battling for the goop, the goop shot of the summer.

True.

What about fucking the dude at the piano back flipper?

He's got some goop stuff coming.

He's got to get this.

He's got a couple goop songs.

He needs a goop.

He needs to release a song so he can.

I think he's got some new goop shit coming.

Yeah, I wonder who's battling for the song of the summer.

Kanye threw down the gauntlet.

Kanye is still leading.

I'd say,

I guess, Nokia from Drake is

hanging on.

He gooped too early with that, though.

Yeah, he should have saved the summer summer.

He should have saved that for the summer.

It's not too late for him to release a summer anthem.

There's no great summer anthem right now besides,

I mean, what did we have last year?

Last year, we had some fucking banger.

We had that guy, the tipsy, the guy, the blackout.

Chibozi.

Chaboozy.

That was a good one.

He fucking.

Oh, really?

Was that the summertime?

That was the song of the year.

Yeah, but you can't part.

That was really.

this is.

You are just whoopy from the view,

the view, bro.

He's goopy, dude.

You love the liberal anthem, he's goopy,

you love

dance to it.

Dude, you couldn't turn on anything without hearing not like us last year for sure.

That was summer.

So, that was something.

Was that the summer anthem, though?

It's not really a summer anthem.

It's not in any way.

I don't know, dude.

As soon as you hit the surface, I think that song is what made Gingers black.

It actually might be.

Hold on a second.

Yeah, maybe.

Okay.

That could have been Summer Anthem, maybe.

That was definitely the most played.

That was the most for sure for Faucio.

But again, like, dude, I'm thinking Kid Rock, Summer Anthem.

That was a real Summer Anthem.

That's like party time.

I guess you can.

I don't know.

Nobody partied to that song other than Forreel, the DNC.

Yeah, exactly.

We're in need of a fucking summer banger.

Shabuzi, was that last year or like two years ago?

It was last year.

Yeah, that was the summer anthem, dude.

Let's all get real.

Let's have a reality check here.

It's time for a reality check.

Can we please get back down to fucking Earth right now?

It's time to get down to Earth.

That was the summer anthem.

You found a summer anthem?

I found a couple.

Well,

what are they?

There was,

I just typed it into Google.

What about Express?

Had Some Help by Morgan Wallace.

Had Some Help was a big one.

Oh, yeah, that was a big one.

Here to Go.

Chapel Roan was a big one.

That was last summer.

These are all great summer animals.

Million Dollar Baby by Tommy Richman.

Yeah, that was one you couldn't escape either.

Shaboos.

Yeah.

Oh, and I found out the guy who sings that song in the backyard is Brendan Abernathy, an indie musician.

Nice.

Nice.

Having Googled him.

Good luck, Brandon.

He's, yeah.

Okay.

He seemed to be a good sport about it.

He made a funny video with with that

Kyle Gordon guy about it.

Yeah.

But people are roasting him.

Yeah, he's a big one.

People are playing on him.

It's pretty hard.

Seems to be the price you pay, man.

If you want to get a big following on Instagram, you have to deal with people fucking hating on you.

True.

Like, hard.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Kind of the price you pay.

You know?

It's good to check the comments before you do a press run for tires.

Why did you do that?

I don't know.

I was bored.

I just kept looking at shit.

It's good.

I think I'm doing too much.

And then you read all these comments, the top comments, like, he's doing too much.

I know.

It's exactly what I thought.

Well, it's a good thing I have a press run for tires.

Oh, I blew it with Girby's.

What?

I had him.

I told you they wanted me to do late night.

I said, I won't do it without Girbys.

That way I can pant some.

Yeah, for sure.

And then I had him.

I was like, we got to wear a tuxedo for Seth Meyers.

And he was going to wear a tuxedo.

And he called me and he was like, do we really have to wear a tuxedo?

I was like,

no.

Oh, that was nice of you.

I should have done it.

That would be crazy, dude.

No, that's nice.

I still got some things up my sleeve for him.

True.

I mean, dude, honestly, it's kind of a 4D chest because now you're going, nah, ma'am's not.

I couldn't do that to you.

Yeah, I couldn't do that to you.

Guess what?

Sweatpants.

Turns out you got to wear sweatpants.

We have to wear sweatpants.

That'll be so fucking funny.

Fuck, I got to get an outfit.

I don't have any.

Shit.

Yeah, what are you going to go with?

Wanted to wear nice stuff to late night?

I feel like at least a golf shirt and some jeans.

Got it.

Done.

Golf shirts could be it.

Golf shirt and jeans.

Throw some dungarees.

Oh, man.

I'm nervous about that.

I don't like that.

A late night.

television, you got to walk out through the curtain

to the desk.

You know,

you ever see the thing?

Have you ever seen late-night television in any way?

I've never seen it live, no.

Like, when they bring out a guest, you got to walk out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you'll, people will be happy.

We'll come out and people will go, ah,

then you can go out.

Dude, if any all else fails,

they might not be that happy.

We thought it was going to be Pedro Pascal.

They'll be stoked.

Kurt, just watching.

Girby's is going to lose his mind.

It'll be so funny.

It'll be so fucking funny sitting there.

It's going to be really bad.

There's no way it's good.

The best was last year when you guys did the Tires premiere and they tried to do a serious interview.

A serious interview after the premiere, and then Girby sat next to me and was just going,

He's just staring.

I was like, Gerbin, he's talking to you.

He asked you a question.

He's like, what?

And I go, Gervin, fucking, what's wrong with you?

And he's like, I'm having a panic attack.

I was like, oh, fuck, dude.

You got to hit him with his cocktail before he goes up.

He's going to get some cocktails.

Oh, bro.

You got to let him

drink on that Xanax.

I looked back when we were flying.

I was like just looking back at him.

Halfway through, he's just like,

he's a fucking cat.

Yeah, he's a cat, dude.

You got to literally inject him with drugs to get him on a fucking plane.

I know.

Yeah, give him the Zans, bro.

Give him, like, double the dose and let him just wear shades the whole time.

That would be so nice.

I'm just, I know what I'm doing.

You should get one of those, like, fake press bars in Kensington.

Just give him Fit.

Just give him Seth.

Just fucking kill him.

Ignore can him on fucking Seth Myers.

I could get in a fight with him on Seth Meyers.

That'd be sick.

Just get in a fist fight with him.

That'd be so funny, dude.

Kirby's getting jacked, dude.

He might be a problem.

he's ripped dude he's absolutely ripped but you've been training so i have took a little week off there things are yeah you're just back in motion your muscles are just building back up there

so you need some recovery yeah it'll be it'll be very fun

how how is sethmeers ever met him before i actually met him he came at snl he came down to my

green room just to say what's up he was very nice yeah i've heard that about a lot of the late night guys are like very nice yeah i think they're all kind of the the bros.

Yeah.

Are you going to get hammered with them?

I feel like Jimmy gets hammered.

Well, Jimmy gets hammered.

Jimmy Fallon gets hammered.

Allegedly, Jimmy gets hammered.

Drinking out of the mug would be sick, though.

I've always, that's my job.

Allegedly.

Allegedly.

Allegedly.

How would you not?

I would have to be hammered every night to do that job.

Bro, that job?

Yeah.

No offense to the late night guys.

That's a.

Yeah, dude.

I'd have to do something, man.

That'd be crazy.

The dudes that get that job, though, always wanted that job.

Yeah.

Every single one of them is like, I grew up watching Carson or all that and they're like this is all i've ever wanted i always wonder when i hear people say that because i've like i don't have any version of that at all i've never watched a thing and was a child and been like this is all i want i just would sit there and just be like fuck dude i can't wait to smoke a cigarette in the woods it's gonna be so sick

i never looked at a thing and i was like oh one day i'll do that

i was just sitting there going damn fucking snow right now hiding a boner under a pillow i didn't really have a choice yeah the only thing we watched like as a family was just football yeah And I was like, I'll play football.

And then even by like eighth grade, I was like, I'm not going to be good enough.

Yeah, I had the opposite.

I was in eighth grade.

That was the one thing I was like, I'll definitely be in the NFL.

It's just a matter of time.

I told you about that.

In our school, you wrote a letter to yourself when you graduate from eighth grade.

Like a little time group.

I'll give it to you when you're graduating.

What'd you say?

My letter was like, dude, obviously you're getting offers from Florida State, Notre Dame, Miami.

And then it was like the next paragraph was like, yeah, right, you suck.

You're probably going to deto.

I was like, all right, nice.

That's so funny.

The bully from the past.

You suck.

Yeah, right, dude.

You're not going D1.

You suck.

That's so fucking funny.

For real, remember as an adult, like, not an adult, but as a senior reading it being like, God damn it, I didn't live up to my expectation.

Oh, never mind.

I knew.

That's funny.

Wise beyond your years.

But yeah, the late night things give me anxiety.

But it'll be fun.

Yeah, that seems kind of low pressure.

I'm just going to talk about Gerby's a superstar now.

And

if season two is a success, Gerbin's going to be

lost in the sauce.

Oh, yeah.

For sure.

He'll have his own little top golf castle.

He's the king of Westchester golf.

He really is.

He made guys film him hit golf balls the other day.

What?

It was actually pretty exciting.

Who was filming him?

Just his country club boys.

That's so fucking tight.

Yeah, that is so he's the man there.

He runs that.

He's like, Shane, I gotta tell you, I think I'm the most famous guy at the country club.

He broke 80, though.

He broke 80.

Yeah, no, Kirby's is fucking good.

That's really good.

And he filmed it.

It was kind of nice.

It was on his Instagram story.

So he was like, I'm about to break 80 on this hole.

This could be it.

But he shoots like a 70, 79 or 70?

He shot a 79.

Dang, he's been really golfing

it yeah that's awesome i was pumped on myself i did an under eight minute mile this morning that's tough 755 and i was dying sick ever since you told me about the murphy workout i was like i gotta do that murphy workout blows dick yeah

what is it a mile it's a mile and then like 100 push-ups 300 push-ups 500 that's crazy never mind i did a baby version i just did a mile no i did the that's the one i did yeah it's crazy it's like 100 push-ups and i was like all right that's a lot, dude.

That's what I did.

He was like 50 pull-ups.

I was like, yeah, bad news for you, brother.

You're going to have to do 50 push-ups once, but

I'm going to rip my shoulders trying to get one.

Yeah, you'll get fucked up, man.

But yeah,

that's the one thing I do like, having a little test going on where I'm trying to get stuff like that down over and over.

It's pretty chill.

7.55 was huge.

I was a 10-minute miler for a while.

10 minutes, nice.

10 minutes chill.

10 minutes sustainable.

Fucking chill.

Yeah, I got an 8.11 a week before, and I was like, I got to break eight.

And I looked, and I was at like seven on the fourth lap, coming like halfway around.

And I just was like, fuck, I'm going to get a 7.30.

And I looked up, it was like 7.57.

I was like, I'll take it.

That's great.

It was nice.

It was nice.

I'm going to try to break it.

I'm going to try to

get 7.

I could get like low 7s as my goal.

That'd be chill.

Low sevens would be sick.

And then, again, dude, just fucking hard,

rubby hard,

rock hard in fantastic shape.

And just that's it.

That's all I'll do for the rest of my life.

Just have boners and have boners, have boners and run, and not come and run.

Yeah, that's my that's kind of my plan.

And I'm gonna try that could be your plan, dude.

You'll be living the American dream, but you know what?

I'll be doing

dance and panic.

All right, let's go to the uh Patreon.

Oh, wait,