Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys

Wow, wow, Wes.

Hello.

Yeah, damn.

Hello, how are you?

Hello, everybody.

So, people were causing you some guff?

Trying not to cry, bro.

I got literally, Gardini witnessed it from the start of the weekend.

And the shows were fun.

I was in Ball Sacramento and LGBTL.

I was in Ball Sacramento and LGBTL.

And

those are two good ones.

They were great.

Shows phenomenal.

But from the dude, from the get-go, we get to the Austin airport.

We're early.

I say, hey, this would be a nice treat.

I'll take Sean and Egan.

Brought the Eganism with me.

I was like, we'll take Sean and Egan up to the American Airlines, a little club lounge.

Treat them.

For two free guest passes.

Like, what a great way to start the day.

I go in early.

I'm, you know, I'm there.

I'm just kind of like writing on my laptop.

Sean texts me.

He's like, you know, he texts me like, hey, we're outside.

I'm like, okay, Sean's outside.

Just fucking mumble through text.

They're just kind of like milling around by that front desk.

And I'll be honest, I was like tightening a paragraph.

So they were there for like

maybe like four.

How long were you guys there for like a minute?

Yeah, they were there for a second.

I wasn't trying to be a jerk.

I was just locked in.

Sorry about that.

Dopamine stack locked in.

So

I go out to let them in.

I'm like, hey, these guys are with me.

I believe I have two free guest passes.

And the lady goes, yeah, if you're a member.

at this lounge.

And I go, okay.

No big deal.

I go, but I am.

And I, you know, I coming out of it, i scanned in she didn't scan in with me i'm like and then the lady i scanned in with comes up and goes who'd you scan in with and i was like whoever was sitting where you are i think you yeah she's like i don't remember that and i'm like what do you guys think i'm lying like i can assure you i didn't sneak in here we didn't say that i'm like you kind of did and i was like anyway here's my thing but i definitely know i was like i even i beeped in and you went do you need help with anything else so i think it was you yeah she's like i'm just saying i and i was like, okay, she's like, you're not in here.

So, the only thing I could think of is that I had Gardini's and my boarding pass on my phone.

Maybe I beat Gardini's, but that's her.

If I beat the wrong one, that's on her.

So, I'm like, look, whatever.

We go into the lounge, and I'm like, dad, this wasn't sitting right with me.

And I was like, lady, I'm not, I wasn't trying to be a dick, but like, you do realize you kind of accused me of lying to my face in front of my friends.

You disrespect me in front of my friends.

You disrespected me in front of my friends.

In front of the openers.

That's something I cannot have.

You undermined me in front of my openers.

I'm setting an example for the openers next thing i know they'll be doing an extra five they'll be doing 30.

oh they'll run the light gardini

they'll be walking all over my bits and tags yeah oh i saw that joke you did last night i'm gonna do the same joke

i have a joke that's just like that it reminded me so i'm gonna open with that tomorrow

i love them not to go off track but that is the best oh yeah when an opener hears you do a joke and then the next show you hear them do a different joke you go that's

the same topic They didn't do that in the first show.

It's like, oh, yeah, your joke reminded me of my joke about that same topic.

And I wanted to go before you.

You go, all right.

Perfect.

Jeeve had some disrespect as well.

I've had this exact experience.

Remember, I sat down at a cheesecake factory and they were like, where did you get this seat?

Who are you?

I was like, I don't know.

I didn't just pick this.

Somebody fucking walked me.

And the hostess was like, I've never seen this person in my life.

I was like, what the fuck did you do that for?

Why'd you just lie?

Same thing, dude.

And I was hot.

I had to go back up to the lady and be like, dude,

that was kind of weird you did that to me.

I'm not like, you know, I just want to let you know that was crazy.

I'm not asking for

preferential treatment in here, but I'm like, don't do that.

That was nuts.

And I was like, and you scanned me in.

She's like,

I don't remember that.

It's like, that's not my fucking problem.

So then we had a.

Was this a white woman?

Yeah.

I was gonna say, yeah, man.

It was a white woman.

Yeah, if you were confronting a black woman like this, I would have been bro, I would have said hats off.

I've been trained to the trenches.

I know that.

I pull no punches.

I know you're out the mug.

I'll pull no punches.

I did that one time back in Philly in an old apartment, and the lady spazzed on me.

That's tough.

Yeah.

She spazzed on me, and I was just fucking the last Sam.

I was the one, dude.

I was just kind of like, you have no idea, lady.

Yeah.

I'm cool.

Your tricks don't work on me.

Dude, I can absorb a black spazz like none other, dude.

I was just sitting there like

the only black spazz I really ever absorbed was in our old apartment when that lady came back with her fucking big dog to kick us out.

I just sat on the steps and I was like, oh, yeah, oh yeah.

The realtor that I had worked for that lady.

Matt worked with his realtor and they came back to like evict us.

I didn't give a fuck.

I had zero dollars.

We were getting evicted from West Philly.

I was just sitting at the top of the steps and they were downstairs like right now.

No, you need to get out right now.

And I was like, oh, do I?

i was in fucking gargoyle on the steps

you're not supposed to be in here it's like we're not supposed to have a giant hole in our basement floor

so what's happening that was the best when our our dishwasher was moldy and i was like yo we have like mold in our dishwasher no she came in and she was like i think we might have different definitions of what moldy i was like

there's mold on the dishwasher you're spraying bleach on it what are you talking about what the fuck are you talking about yeah lump man hook us up with the fridge.

Yeah, lump.

Lump had lump connected the fridge.

That was nice.

Yeah, that was pretty sick.

But yeah, then so then I get on the plane, and I've been doing a thing on the plane where like I get on and they're seating the whole plane, so I bust my tray out.

You know, I'm again just getting some writing done, just working.

And then I think this might have been on the second flight, but this guy

just is like, you know, big gay guy from the sky kingdom of gay guys in the air.

And he just like

the stewardess?

Steward, yeah.

Stewardo.

stewardo the steward stewardo the steward the steward the job he was a big he was a big he's kind of a big dog he's the fix gay steward yes and he dude literally i'm like completely absorbed

somehow it got hotter

dude he goes we're waiting on you i'm like what i snap out of work and i'm like oh shit my bad dude and i like shut my laptop and i was just kind of like what the fuck is going on today why is everyone shitting on me and then we land, we get to ball Sacramento, we land, and dude, we're outside the hotel.

And this actually made me laugh.

But a lady comes up, a homeless lady, walks by and goes, move it or lose it.

I was like, what the fuck?

And then she did start laughing.

She was kind of like...

She was in on it.

She could feel the.

Yeah, she turned around and flashed just such a sweet smile.

That's funny.

And I was like, dang, lady, that was kind of funny.

And then there was an older lady in like a mobility chair.

And I was telling Sean, I was like, I might hit her with a move it or lose it.

You should have.

It's the only way to break the curse.

You got to give it to somebody else.

Bro, everybody's disrespecting you.

You have to disrespect somebody else.

In a 24-hour period, I've never sustained just not.

It was non-stop disrespect.

I can't think if there was any, I don't know if there's anything else.

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I caught some strays on my flight home this weekend.

Did you?

Yeah, just some fucking drunk guy sitting next to me or across the aisle, and he was like, I could tell you're somebody because I saw your lady friend that you're with, and then I saw you, and I was like,

what?

I was like, oh, cool, man.

Like,

what the fuck was that for?

Why would you say that to me?

Yeah, I get hit with that all the time.

Last night, we were out, and a guy was like, oh, my friend looks retarded, too.

I was like, yeah, it's cool, man.

Thanks, man.

Can I have a picture?

Yeah, for sure.

Can you look retarded in the pictures?

I don't have a choice.

I'm going to.

Let's get the picture.

That's the funniest request ever.

I get it every day.

Yeah, some people are like, let's do middle fingers in the picture.

I'm like, can we not, man.

I know.

Middle fingers.

Yeah.

Disrespected at the Cabo Bobs.

You got disrespected at Cabo Bobs.

Yeah, I told Matt about this, and I told everybody besides you about this, but I was.

What the fuck are you telling everyone else for, not me?

I haven't seen you in a week.

Disrespected.

You know, I've missed you.

There's another one.

I didn't mean to disrespect you.

I'm sorry, but

it was me and all the big guys.

So it's me, LeMaire, Andy, Pat, and our friend Jake Ricca.

So it's Jake thick, too?

It's about 1,500 pounds man when he hit the Cabo Bobs.

You guys can't get in an elevator.

No, absolutely not.

It would have been final destination.

Yeah.

Nine people.

You go, we can't get in.

It was five.

And some guy commented about how he was like, why are all you big guys hanging out with this little guy?

It's just kind of weird to see.

That's funny.

He's like, you guys are all so big and he's so little.

Who said this to you?

A random guy at the Cabo Bobs.

even, didn't even work there?

No, no.

He was just going to pick up his lunch and he commented on all of our sizes.

He saw you guys and it took me a while.

He probably thought it was some type of weird sexual.

He's like, there's their little humper.

Yeah, that's, I was joking about that.

I was joking about how I had a fat-drawn carriage that took me around.

You do chill deep with the fats.

I know.

I had never realized until that moment that it probably is a weird sight to see me hang out with only people that are about four times bigger.

You have a plus-size squad.

I do have.

Really do.

Yeah, it was crazy.

Disrespect.

That was pretty much it.

The weekend was sick.

Otherwise, the weekend was great.

It was just

non-stop mounting disrespect, just one after the other.

All the stewards were getting.

Not the last lady.

The last lady had, it was an older lady with braces.

Very sweet.

But yeah, all the stewards were just.

That's hot.

yeah.

I know, was she hot in her own way?

Yeah, yeah, I would say.

Um, she was, she was kind of a darling, very nice, too.

I even, I was so just

so beaten down from the weekend.

I'm like doing my work before I was the plane loads, and I like looked up at her one point and I was like, Just let me know when you want me to close this.

I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do.

You're fine, sweetie.

Oh, thank you, babe.

Babes with braces, they must be humble.

True,

lest they get hit with a fucking shut up, brace face.

They have to be humble at all times.

True.

Nice braces, you fifth-year-old fucking.

Wow, wow.

Getting sexy for your fourth husband?

Nice.

Now, that's something we would say if we were being mean.

If I got attacked against you.

If I got attacked by a brace-faced lady.

Yeah.

I go, I don't know who you're talking to with those fucking braces in your mouth.

She goes, Jesus Christ, can you turn the other way?

Sun's bouncing off those things, blinding me.

Put on your rubber bands.

Shut the hell up.

Adult braces are fucking sick.

I love them.

I mean, to be rocking braces instead of Invisaligns at this point.

It's awesome.

It's kind of a power move, honestly.

I know.

Terrell Davis had braces.

Did he really?

Yeah, he was the man.

Running back for the Broncos.

You remember him?

Tossing the brace.

Yeah, dude.

He had fucking braces.

Game Day 98.

That was my go-to.

Yeah, he was nasty.

He was awesome.

Adult braces.

They should come back.

My friend's dad got braces, and it was fucking hilarious.

That's wild.

I told you about my dad.

They tried to get him to get braces, and he was just like hell to the gnaw.

Yeah, you can't wear braces at a construction site.

Good lord.

He couldn't even drive and not drive a pickup truck.

If he took, he had a little Ford feeling.

That's been passed down to Billy.

Oh, yeah.

Billy was talking to me yesterday about a $9 million truck he wants to buy.

It's his absolute Achilles heel.

Yeah.

He yearns for like Doramax,

the most gigantic trucks imaginable.

It's crazy.

He's fucking big trucks.

It's like a little fucking boy.

He is.

He loves it.

I want a big truck.

He loves big boy toys.

He did have a nice answer.

I was like, dude, why do you keep buying all these?

Why do you want a huge, expensive truck?

He's like, I just like them and they're my favorite things.

That's fair.

I was like, well, that's totally fair, man.

He's like, it's the one thing I like in this entire world.

I want a big truck.

All right, man.

He does love big trucks.

Big trucks.

He was hit.

He was, I had rented, what the hell did I?

I had some sort of a wagon there, I think, when I was in Philly.

Hops in.

He goes, damn, he's like looking around.

This is the wagon.

They're so nice, dude.

The escalate is probably 160.

It's crazy.

I'm like, stop giving me trucks.

Dude, escalades are sick, though.

Are they?

Yeah.

Yeah, they're on his radar.

He's like, they're fucking 160 grits.

They're crazy, dudes.

Oh, my dude.

That's the least practical truck for where he lives

for where he lives.

Tell him, get a little beater, bro.

Get the bucket.

Get in the bucket.

That's all he needs is a little bucket.

I'm surprised you're whipping that accord.

You're a millionaire, Sean.

Should I get it?

You're the richest guy ever.

Oh, I'm not.

It's so crazy.

It would be cool to roll around and escalate.

It would look ridiculous.

Especially if you pulled up in the escalator.

All my five fat guys got up

as a big boy toy.

The fat mobile.

Five fat.

A fat mobile.

Five fats stumbling out.

Everyone's arguing.

You got to set up a trust for your fats.

What do you mean?

You got to set up a trust.

What are you going to do when you're gone?

I don't know.

They are suckling off you.

All your ad revenue.

Oh, fuck.

I like the Accord.

It's nice.

It is a nice car.

The Accord is nice.

It gets me where I got to go.

It's a bit of a splurge.

I'm more of a Civic man myself.

Yeah, you could have got a Civic.

You don't need all that space.

But I get it.

Once those checks start rolling in.

It's five grand.

Just luxury.

I love telling the group chat how rich you are.

It bothers me.

All the New York comics.

We're in a group chat with the most evil New York comics.

Vampires, bro.

They are vampires.

They fucking, they're like, Austin comedy sucks.

I just screenshotted the seller lineup yesterday.

I was like, New York's sick.

It's fucking garbage lineup.

The purists.

They're such purists, dude.

Yes.

The purists.

Oh, man.

We might be getting some Chantilly Lace coming up.

What's that?

That would be so awesome.

One of the ultimate vampires is Lev.

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They've been surprising me.

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You know,

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Price picks, run your game.

Oh, yeah.

Now it's time to plug shows.

July, I'll be going to...

I added a bunch of shows, so please come to them.

I'm going to go to Oklahoma City.

August 8th, I'll be in Louisville.

But yeah, Oklahoma City and Louisville

are the ones I'd really like you to buy tickets to.

I thought the OKC Thunder fans would be fucking excited to let loose for a comedy once they're done with all these playoff games.

You know, very stressful.

Now it's time to let loose with the

comedy show there.

Totally agree.

How about you, Sean?

Do you have anything cool coming up, bud?

Yep.

I just have to get in front of the camera.

Yeah, true.

You're a millionaire now.

I'm not a millionaire.

I'm not a millionaire, but I do have a show at Cap City Comedy Club.

I have two shows, May 30th and 31st, at Cap City Comedy Club, Sean Gardenian and Friends in Austin, Texas.

Please come to those if you can.

The link is below.

And also, Optimum Noctis on June 26th.

The link is below.

I don't think I ever told you you could post your links.

The link is on my page.

On my own personal page.

If you'd like to know that.

No,

the link's below.

The link is below.

Thank you, guys.

Yeah, hell yeah, bud.

Also, Ontario, California, huge weekend, June 26th to the 28th.

I will be taping my special at the Ontario Improv.

Yeah, boy.

Coming up.

So please come to that.

It'll be a lot of fun.

It's going to be Thursday through Saturday.

So it's live taping.

And I've seen the new hour, and it's very good.

Thank you, yes.

It's your best hour yet.

I'm excited to see that.

Thank you.

I'm excited to get it over with.

And Live Panties in the Mouth, June 20th, May 25th.

Where?

Where at?

At Speakeasy.

At Speakeasy's here in Austin?

Yep, here in Austin, Texas.

Live Panties in the Mouth.

Live Panties in the Mouth.

Are you guys going to do a Babe of the Year award or what's going on here?

It's just month still?

Just the month.

We do Babe of the Month now.

It's usually Babe of the week.

All the winners.

Okay.

And then you have a tournament in front of a live audience.

And they put a cookie on the cookie on the floor.

Horny pieces of shit.

If you want to go to the speakeasy and meet with the horniest guy, there's a horny guy meetup at the speakeasies.

All right.

I just pray the disrespect stops.

I was like, I was sitting there the other day.

I was kind of high, and I was just thinking about all the evil against me.

There's not a lot, but there is.

There's like, if you really zoom out, and like, there probably is at any given time just people spewing evil just about your name and likeness.

I like it hit me how much the overwhelming scale and it was just kind of like I just had to make peace with it.

I was like, I wish them all well.

Anyone who wishes evil against me, mostly airline attendants.

I wish them well.

I had to just, I was like, I wish them well, even though they're speaking evil on my name.

I thought about the evil being spewed yesterday when I left the green room at the mothership.

What happened?

I was like, as soon as I leave this room, I guarantee.

Yeah.

Little evil

fucks up there.

You know, fucking piece of shit.

Just five minutes of people making faces at each other, like

not even talking.

Fucking, yeah, great.

It'd be sick to bug that thing.

It probably is bugged.

Probably every time.

It probably is.

I think the CIA is on Joe Rogan's ass, dude.

I was talking to him.

I was talking to him.

It was funny last night.

I was like,

we should go to that Oasis concert in Mexico City.

And he was like, yeah, so I can go get kidnapped?

Good call.

I was like, yeah, I forgot.

I forgot.

He was like, I'll get kidnapped right away.

Oh, we didn't even get to talk about the Mexican Navy.

What happened?

Oh, it crashed?

You're going to love it.

That was the Mexican Navy?

No.

Was that an incursion?

Yeah, they tried to attack and

they got stopped by our first line of defense, our bridge.

Is there a belly room?

Is there like a belly room underneath it of just 50,000 weed whacker motors?

Bro, did you see the footage of it?

They were standing on the mast.

There were dudes everywhere.

They had someone in the crow's nest?

The whole gang.

I don't think there was one person piloting the ship.

Everyone was standing on the mast.

They were like holding hands on the mast.

The first time I saw it, I was like, I don't think they know how to ride a boat.

They're standing on the wrong part.

They shouldn't shouldn't be up there.

What were they?

Were they coming into like, they're like pirates?

Their booties just jobs.

Ahar.

Ah.

Ah, the sights up ahead, Métis.

Grab your brooms.

Grab your wheelbarrows, Métis.

Oh, crap.

Oh,

just.

I thought it was the Mexican Navy.

Yeah, they're fucking stunting on us.

What the fuck?

There's a little show of force.

They said, you guys want to talk shit on Mexico?

Check this shit out.

We got fucking cannons.

We got a pirate ship.

They were fit to plunder.

They were trying to plunder.

They fucking died.

We just ran up fucking ground.

You're just in your house and your wife.

You're like, get back.

I got to protect my gerb.

Go for my gerbs.

They did come for the gerbs, but they ended up hitting the fucking bird.

Fucking the Brooklyn Birge.

Was that the the Golden Dome Trump was talking about?

The Brooklyn Bridge?

Yeah, that's our new Iron Dome.

The Golden Dome is so funny.

I didn't know he was calling it the Golden Dome.

He called it the Golden Dome.

He's a smart aim, dude.

He's exactly right.

Oh.

The golden dome.

Yeah, that's what we need right now.

We need domes.

The Mexicans standing on the mass.

It's crazy.

That's insane.

Where were they going?

Where did they think?

I think I heard they were headed to Iceland for real.

They were like, all right, this ship's headed to Iceland next.

What?

And they fucking got hit by a fucking bridge.

I felt bad for the Mexicans.

When they crashed in the roof, a couple of them died.

Did they really?

Yeah, dudes standing on the fucking mast.

True, yeah.

They got

two guys.

There's a lady up there?

Yeah.

A recruit, a young 20-year-old and a 45-year-old man died.

There's a lady in the, and they're all they're like official sailors in the Mexican Navy?

Yeah, oh, 20 and 23.

Yes.

Damn.

They were American.

Huh?

Oh, wait, her name was America.

No, her name is Phil America?

Yeah.

All right, P, that's fucked, man.

I bet not to be rude at this point and objectify somebody who died, but she sounds hot.

Yeah.

If I were high up in the Mexican Navy, I would name my hottest daughter America for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's again.

Dang, that sucks.

True, you're here.

You're like, hey, man, let me see.

Like, dude, my name's funny.

I'm literally America.

Actually, that means she could have been Captain America.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

I just saw like a quick glance at that bridge, that thing cracking in the bridge.

And everybody, you know, there's like influencers underneath taking pictures, and then a boat comes, and everyone was laughing when they got hit.

Literally, everyone was down there laughing and running.

Damn.

And the lads were hanging from the mast.

They're tied, I think they were like tied up there.

They're probably tied up, hanging on to, yeah, probably lanyards going on.

Damn,

that sucks, too, because you're up there fucking hanging on to a mask.

You're going, I guarantee you, we're going to hit that fucking bridge.

You had a lot of time to be like, we're headed right at that bridge.

There's no way we're getting under that.

Yeah, drop the anchors.

This article says them being up there is a tradition.

Which is a traditional ritual.

They're secured by harnesses to the top with their arms wide open.

Their arms wide open.

That's the Mexican Constitution.

It's just the OSHA 30 men.

It's the OSHA 30 men.

Dude, that is fucking wild.

Dude, a helicopter crashed into Haas's backyard.

Yeah, dude, a helicopter.

He sent me a picture.

Crash-landed in his backyard.

I think they survived.

But imagine of all places to crash into Haas.

The biggest man.

He must have been going nuts.

Oh, dude.

Just hammering.

He's probably running around.

Hammering you with quite, what the, what the hell are you guys doing out here?

You wake up, you're like, oh, what the fuck?

He's like a Jack Russell.

Yeah, he is.

So like a car comes in front of his house.

He must sprint around the house.

Who is that?

What's going on here?

Who is it?

Who's here?

Yeah,

crashing into Hawes' world is so funny, man.

Yeah, I don't know what the hell's going on.

They died.

They're probably like, oh, this is the hell.

This is the devil.

What were you guys even thinking?

You can't drive?

What What the hell's going on?

Pussy?

You're like, no.

Yeah, man.

I don't know what's going on, people.

Is it the smartphones, dude?

You think it's a 5G taking down the.

Or just the distraction.

Or again, it's like, there's the thing, like, this always happens, but, but also, like, because they say, like, when things happen, the media starts to focus on them.

But it's also like, dude, that's two crashes in just the Northeast Philly.

No, he doesn't live in Northeast Philly.

He lives out there, but there was one in Northeast Philly in the Philly area.

Yeah.

There's been two crashes.

It's like, I've never heard of that.

Man.

I think about that jet a lot.

Oh, God.

That thing came

steam and

yeah.

Exploded.

It was a rocket.

The hell's going on?

I mean, I just, every year I'm hopeful, I go, please, man.

Please.

I think I'd rather be on the rocket than the fucking Mexican boat, though.

The rocket was fast.

The boat, you just fucking harnessed to a mast, seeing the Brooklyn Bridge come at you for fucking 20 minutes.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Apparently, Asian pilots have a big problem.

I was actually when I when I went no, no, I swear to God, because of the like honor culture.

When you were gone, I did an, I like, just did one of those zooms with a bunch of bros, and there's a guy in air traffic control.

It's pretty sick.

He zoomed in from air traffic and in the tower.

He was in the tower.

That's not good.

No, he said, he said, and he did, he's like, 09 Rodgers, a guy's got to, and he digs.

Jesus Christ.

But

Jesus Christ.

But he was saying that there's a problem with the honor codes among Asian pilots where

older pilots and young.

Yeah, this is a common thing.

Where they're like, they can't speak up against an older guy that's fucking up.

Yeah, there's an epidemic of just single anime beads.

I don't know how true that is because I've heard it.

Really?

Yeah, it's like an urban legend, I think.

I don't know.

I knew it before you told me it.

I've heard this.

I know it's their culture, but I don't think

it's true.

I really doubt it's true.

I don't know, dude.

They stab themselves in the bellies, dude.

I don't think they've been doing that for a long time.

They don't stab themselves in the bellies.

They stopped doing that.

I think if you're in a plane crash or like something's fucked up

in 2025, I think honor goes out the window.

I hope.

Dude, they got like K-pop and shit now.

You're thinking old Asians.

Yeah, but that's the...

You're young Asians.

You're thinking cool hip young asians with sunglasses being like oh yeah whatever no but they have that that's in their world they have fucking anime and shit now true they're they're all about disrespect

they've turned bad boys i don't think the hats turn backwards

they're bad boys isn't all anime about like a young guy being like i'm no longer your fucking pupil

yeah but then he has to undergo tests that like you know it's all about tests I think the big test is is the plane going down.

It's time for me to fucking rise up and go, please hit that button.

You got to go Super Scion to tell the older.

Tell the older

the left engine's out.

Oh, I said it.

Yeah, I'm telling you, I used to witness it when I worked in the Korean beer distributor.

The guy would like, bro, I'm not lying.

He was the boss of the whole place.

He owned it, and he would put his feet up on one of those little plug-in radiators.

And I watched him knock a cup on the floor.

And like another younger guy came and picked it up.

He just went like that.

And I was like, damn.

Didn't say a word.

Just like, oh, so I think you could do that here.

You think I can lure it out?

I think knock one of those cups over.

Cable, I could go.

Now you have his little split thing.

No, he's too rich.

Who does he think I am?

Yeah.

He's too rich and powerful.

Gardee's too rich and powerful.

Two more years of this Spotify money, and I will be lord.

They are moving in on us.

I'm fucking gaining strength.

He's gathering a small army.

He is gathering.

They're moving in.

They wait patiently.

They go, well, these guys are about done.

Just have his apartment having his freak offs.

You guys bet.

LeMaire had some freak offs when I was gone.

Oh, for sure.

Oh, yeah.

Have you been following that trial at all?

A little.

I've been hearing it.

I haven't.

I heard.

Did he like to clean up?

So what?

Swapping the...

You're talking about swapping the dicks.

I think he swapped the dicks.

No.

That was so.

I didn't hear that from the trial.

Somebody told me that that was in the trial.

So I don't know.

I think he swapped the decks.

I think that was one of his things.

But we were laughing about earlier, just that poor lady's husband's in the trial.

He's listening.

I know, bro.

I know.

Now, obviously, he's into it.

You think?

Definitely.

Okay.

There's no way.

Day one, you would have went,

I'm out.

Yeah.

He's obviously like, I knew this about her.

Yeah, true.

I would like, I would like a, you know how they do those like courtroom drawings?

Yeah.

It'd be funny to have him in the back, like dark red face with smoke coming out of his ears.

Oh, no.

His thought bubbles coming out of his head.

Yeah, that's pretty wild because, yeah, they're like, that's the defense, I guess.

They're hitting her with like, and you fucked this guy too, right?

She's like, yes, I did.

The problem is there's so many texts of her like

saying she liked it.

Getting freaky.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

So there's something like, yeah, and they called him FOs.

She would be like, when's our next FO?

She would be like, yo, we need to do a freaka.

She would, like, be like, damn.

Diddy, please, Diddy.

Apparently, he.

Allegedly, I have no idea.

Yeah.

No, there was, yeah,

that's the whole case being like, bro.

The problem was he lied about hitting her and that video of him beating her came out.

Which, again, if you're a Diddy's defense, you go, okay, he hit his wife.

Sorry.

Like, let's press charges on that.

But

not sex trafficking.

So that's, but yeah, the texts are damning.

Yeah.

But I saw, there was a thing from his former assistant that stated, like, you know, he got in there and they were like, bro,

this is his kingdom.

We're here to serve.

And then it like kind of jumped to the fact that there's a video of him dancing around like a fool on Molly.

He said he was, and they're like, were you partying?

He goes, I was drunk off the Siroq.

I had taken Molly.

Don't name your body.

He goes, I was Diddy Flipping.

He literally goes Diddy bopping.

He goes, I was Diddy bopping.

And he literally, in front of the judge, under oath, goes, Yeah, I was vibing.

Like, he was vibing at the FO, but he goes, He kind of like, I don't know if he was trying to paint the picture, like, he was kind of forced on you to like party down like that.

Which is like, you could have just said no.

Yeah.

He was like, I kind of had to vibe in order to keep the job.

So that's not, it's kind of, it's kind of starting to look like, from my perspective, that everyone was having a great time at these Diddy parties, which I've said all along.

I'm like, look, there might have been evil, evil stuff going on, but I do think people were partying down.

It's, you know, it's a giant drug-fueled orgy.

Yeah, they're talking about like four-day sex parties.

Yeah.

That's what you're doing.

You have sex for an hour?

I don't think so.

You go, this blows.

It's so much.

Yeah.

No, this is like when you need like stimulants and electrolytes.

I have sex.

Three minutes.

You better get yours because I'm going to get mine.

I'm about to freak off right now.

I'll have a freak.

I had a couple of freak offs.

I've been in a hotel for a week.

I was having nothing but freak offs down in Atlanta.

You're getting electrolytes?

I was getting

just jacking off in a hotel room for 10 days.

Swabbing the deck.

Sometimes you got to swab the deck like a cat before bed.

You go, man.

Oh man.

Yeah, that trial, I guess that's going to fall apart, I guess.

You know, if you get the texts.

Because, again, the sex trafficking has to be,

they have no idea.

Like, you have to be tricking them into taking them.

We get a little, I feel like we throw around sex trafficking a lot.

It's definitely broadened.

State lines are really.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's also like, yeah, it's definitely broadened.

So if I call a lady from,

you know, Montana.

Yep.

And I don't explicitly say I want to have sex.

Yeah.

Then we have sex.

You're in the gray area.

If you say, hey, let's just sit here and you want to chill and watch a movie.

Do you want to watch me play Xbox for a weekend?

Trafficked.

Congratulations.

You've been trafficked by the best.

I thought we were going to game.

You just got tricked by one of the all-time traffickers.

Yeah,

it's pretty wild, man.

But yeah, I don't know.

Here's my, the thing is, if he, he, if he gets off, like, say he, you know, say his defense, you know, they rally, they get him off.

He's going to have to team up with Ye if he gets off.

That's exactly what I was saying.

He's going to have to.

There's no choice.

He's going to have to become a Nazi.

I mean, either way, he might have to become a Nazi if he goes to jail or if he did right now, dude, he's in full Nazi territory.

He just has to be a Nazi.

I wonder if Kanye's music has reached the prisons.

I think so.

I think they're getting.

I wonder if the.

He could unite the ABs and the blacks.

Whoa.

And

the Latinos are in trouble with the blacks.

The whites are aligned with the Mexican Navy as well in prison.

The Mexican Navy.

The whites and the Mexicans ride together.

Yes.

So he could unite the factions.

I mean, again, you know, people keep acting like that's genuinely a summer banger.

It's like, it's not a summer banger.

Let's be real.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't think it's that.

Does you think that's the summer?

I mean, again, I'm not putting in the hot seat.

I'm not in the hot seat, but I'm pretty sure he sampled All Quiet on the Western Front.

And that's all it took for me.

I've been waiting for somebody to sample that fucking noise.

It happened to be in the worst song possible.

But first time I listened to it, I heard the Denny.

And I was like, oh, here it comes.

And then it went right into.

I was like, oh, wow.

When that den-N-N kicks in, I remember I saw the video being premiered on the guy's street, one of the streams.

Yeah.

And I remember being like, fuck.

But then it goes right back into just.

All quiet on the Western Front.

oh, that's kind of tight.

I think that's it, right?

He's, I haven't heard anyone bring it up, which I'm surprised they haven't.

I didn't know that was all quiet on the western front.

As soon as I heard it, I

said that it has to be this one, you know.

Stop doing this to me, yay.

Don't make it the coolest thing possible, yay.

Can somebody play the music?

It is the all-quiet.

Fuck yeah.

Oh, wow.

I knew it.

I could feel it.

I could feel it.

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I mean, yeah,

yeah, he's he could if he's got something else up his sleeve.

Because that's obviously my thing is like

it just came up right away on my

yes.

All right, I can't play it, but

that's the thing.

What I'm saying is pretty easy to find.

If I open Twitter, it's playing.

Oh, yeah, it's everywhere.

My thing is, if

he dropped one that you can actually play somewhere, that would have been, I think, kind of devastating.

Obviously, you know,

he got his message crossed loud and clear with his song.

But I'm saying, for more, I mean, I don't know why I'm even saying, like, he needs to come out with a more broadly popular.

I think he's over that.

I think he's been there, done that.

Now he's kind of more in a niche.

Yeah, now he's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do, yeah.

People were wondering how he was going to top I Suck My Cousin's Dick.

No one's even talking about that.

People are going, there's no way he can top that.

Yeah.

Imagine announcing that to the world, and then the next week, everyone's like, yeah, yeah, fuck that.

Check this out.

You're like, it's pretty wild.

People aren't bringing that up.

He might have regretted I Suck My Cousin's Dick song and gone, we got to hurry up and get in the studio.

We got to make these people forget about Suck My Cousin's Dick song.

Yeah, but dude, where did he find the guys in the video?

You see the the dudes in the wolf costumes?

They're down, bro.

I mean, for sure.

These guys are all about it.

No, it's crazy.

That's a weird casting call.

It's like, bros, let's go.

Because his casting call was,

I think he said men blacker than LeBron minimum,

which is such a funny.

I think, I don't know if it was that exactly, but.

No, that wasn't AI.

No,

those were real Nazis.

Those dudes.

That's been a silent battle for a while.

That's got to be tough for you, LeMaire, with your fucking Woopie Goldberg view sensibilities.

Yeah.

It's got to be hard for you to see this.

It's been.

I haven't even...

I've been off Kanye for like two years now.

I know.

Yeah.

Is it awful, you're saying?

Yeah.

I haven't even heard this song yet.

Our Uber driver was blasting it.

I still haven't heard it yet.

Part of it.

Oh, you're not.

Not the Nazi song.

Oh, God, damn.

Our Uber driver was just blasting Kanye.

So he was, you know, he's not off him.

I'm still listening to Kanye.

Yeah, his songs are great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

His songs are great.

They were, yeah, it was a nice little playlist he had going on.

Yeah.

The problem is with the new song is it does get stuck in your head a little.

It completely does.

Yeah.

It was fun showing my wife.

I was like, check this out.

She just got to be like, what the fuck?

It is fun to show people.

Yeah.

Like there, I was so happy.

He goes, I haven't heard it yet.

I was like, oh, you haven't heard it yet?

wait till you fucking hear this

you're literally not gonna believe it while it's playing you're gonna go

so wait is he a billionaire or not he keeps saying he's a billionaire then i hear like he just like doesn't even have

he can't even have a bank account that'd be tough to i think he's allowed to have a bank account again can he yeah i think they took it away the first time that's crazy that was crazy yeah you can't do that we got to pass law or you can't you can't do that you can't take everything from someone yeah you can just take bad words bank account yeah Yeah, that's crazy.

Well,

that only happens

in certain situations.

But

yeah, well,

he's.

Matt.

Wait a second.

Hold on.

Who's that one group?

Matt.

All right, let's switch this to

what else is going on.

Nate was defending Angel Reese with me in a text.

That was pissing me off.

Nate loves Angel Reese.

Nate's fucking gay.

Yeah, Caitlin threw a shot, man.

Fucking

Angel Reese flopped.

It was just a regular basketball play.

Come on, man.

I wasn't defending Angel Reese.

Not once.

I just.

Huh?

Didn't she push the shit out of Caitlin's new teammate, too?

She pushed it hard with us.

I got a feeling Lemise is a Caitlin Clark lover.

This time.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wasn't.

I wasn't.

That was a.

She did a

she pushed her in the back and then kind of flopped.

Caitlin's all small compared to Andrew.

She definitely flopped.

Yeah.

Nah.

Well, she was a, it looked like she was attacking.

You know, she was like

doing a hard fail.

It was a hard fail.

She was trying to make sure Tina couldn't get the shot up.

And then Clark was like, kind of broke in, like, get off her.

She made a play on the ball and everything.

Like, that was, that was a, that shouldn't even have been, I think they gave it a, like, a flagrant foul or something like that.

It was, it was a pretty.

It's also girls basketball.

Yeah,

it was a hard fail.

That's the Trump card every single time.

Anytime people get a heated argument about this, you go.

What are we doing here?

Talking about girls basketball.

Guys, what are we even doing here right now?

Let's go look at some trucks.

Some big boys.

We could look at big boy toys.

We could be looking at big boy toys.

We're bickering.

But yeah, that's...

I mean, it's kind of nice that that's...

Were you guys excited at all to see Angela Reese beating up on

Angel.

Oh, my bad.

Angel Reese beating up on Caitlin Clark.

Be honest.

When you saw it, did that stoke any tribalism?

No.

Not

you.

Not you, dude.

Not you, dude.

We're all black production staff now.

Did you hear about that?

What?

Red-haired people are black now.

It's a big.

Oh, yeah.

I thought I saw that.

True.

No, I did not like that.

Damn, it is fucked up.

You're the only white member of the production, and you're the richest, and the only one that gets paid a million dollars.

I'm not what?

That's crazy.

The other guys get paid in Chipotle every other week.

Chipotle every other week is good, dude.

You are the COO, dude.

Chief operations officer.

You are.

He's the heart and soul of this.

It'll be funny to edit all this out.

Anytime we talk about you being rich, just edit it.

I'll never notice.

I'll never know.

It's crazy.

Yeah,

I saw that go.

What else is going?

Is there any controversy?

The sports world's quiet now.

It was all Shadir Sanders.

It was all Shader.

Now it's this week it was Caitlin Clark, Angel Reese.

Yeah, that was the big one.

Because black pundits started going back and forth.

What were they fighting about?

RG3.

RG3 was just saying Angel Reese clearly is jealous and hates Caitlin Clark.

And then Ryan Clark jumped in and was like, You have a white wife, dude.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh, no.

And then black people had to pick sides.

Damn.

Yeah.

You can speak on WNBA.

I can.

You're allowed to.

I am not.

You're the only one in the room who can speak on WNBA.

I know you can't.

I know you can't either.

No one in the room can talk WNBA other than Matt.

Just me.

Did you see the clip of

Cameron and Mace talking about Paul Pierce, Paul Pierce's remarks about why NBA players tend to date white women?

No, what was it?

Dude, it was the first two and a half minutes.

Mace was, I guess, remote, zooming in from like an Airbnb, and then they had, I forget the other guy's name.

I don't know who he was, but

I believe he was a basketball player, but he, they both have, well, Mace doesn't have a black, they both have black wives.

And so when they were asking about, like, what do you think about that?

They both laughed and neither of them would talk.

Like, and he's like, Well, and they kept like, go ahead and take this.

And then Cameron was Cameron, kept it real.

So he goes, You motherfuckers are proving the point, dude.

You got the pit boss leaning right over you.

And Cameron started talking about how he loves using it to his advantage with white women.

Like, you did hold my people down.

Go get me a fucking sandwich, bitch.

It was funny just watching them giggle for two minutes.

They're the funniest things ever.

They're unbelievable.

They're unmatched.

Yeah,

we got to get them on the pot.

They're so good.

But yeah, it was just Mace in the kitchen just kind of like, oh, it's pretty complicated.

He goes, I can't talk right now.

It was unbelievable.

But that's a big thing that pops up.

There's a lot of black dudes that are,

they get a,

they just go online and they're just like, this is why we date white.

And they love just bashing queens, dude.

They do bash the queens.

They talk about how white women are subservient.

Yeah.

They talk about that a lot.

I've heard Charleston White go off on it.

It was very funny.

It was really funny.

It was undeniably funny.

Yeah,

it was very fun.

It was very fun to watch them just kind of dancing around in Airbnb just being like,

you go ahead and take it.

Now you go.

And he goes, look, man, I've been happily married.

I don't know about this, but it was really funny.

But it is a hot issue, man.

It sucks.

My thing is, like, it sucks you can't, like, just to have some, you know, smut put towards your wife or having a white wife.

That's, you know, that hurts my heart.

It's crazy.

You guys need to work on that.

Why is it our fault that the white ladies like us?

It's not your fault.

You like them, too.

I say it's a mutually benefit.

I think people like people.

People love people, yeah.

I also think RG3 is right.

Ryan Clark was kind of being a dick because he was wrong.

He went nuclear because he was wrong.

There's nothing wrong with that, losing an argument and going, you know what?

You have braces.

All right.

I see why RC hit the fucking eject on the combo.

I'm going to change the topic right now.

Don't you have a fucking boy wife?

Playing in the snow.

Shannon Sharp fucking Shannon the Sharp got fucking frostbite.

He was out in the cold too long.

Whatever happened with that?

They're still in court.

They're still in court?

Yeah, free all the black guys out of court.

All the black guys are in goddamn speedy trial for that.

This is not getting a speedy trial.

God damn, free all the black guys for getting some pussy for Washington.

Yeah, they're finally getting pussy, and now the goddamn entire judicial system's fucking weaponized against them.

Can't lick cum off your wife anymore?

You can't hire a bunch of male prostitutes or training your wife and lick it all up and lick a bunch of cum off your wife did anyone even check if any of these were his birthday party

what if it was his birthday weekend your honor it was his birthday

hold on

talking about i need to talk to my attorney it was my birthday

that one was actually my birthday

strike that from the jury just disregard that that was his birthday

those male prostitutes had to be super hyped to like show up and cassie's there because Cassie's like top 10 mostly.

Top 10 most beautiful women in the world?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they're 30 more.

Their stock has plummeted.

Also, as a male prostitute, most of your day is like blowing gay guys.

They find, you know, you get the call, you go, Jesus Christ.

Thank God.

I've been swabbing the deck all day.

Swabbing the deck, and then you get in there, you see Cassie, you go, this is going to be great.

And then Diddy comes out of the closet.

You go, oh, shit.

Fuck who fuck.

I'm gonna have to fucking swab the deck again.

God damn it.

Dang, that what a battle in court.

Just the most like harrowing sexual experiences just coming to light.

You go, haha, got her.

Oh, shit.

I remember that.

Fuck.

Just back and forth for the whole country.

Stuff.

Yeah, it's a fucking nightmare.

It's genuinely a nightmare.

It could be why Epstein killed himself.

Maybe it wasn't.

He had too many secrets.

He was just like, this trial is going to be so fucking embarrassing.

I have so many texts that just suck.

That would keep you awake at night.

Dude, that one clip of the egg shape.

That was a brutal clip.

Yeah, the egg-shaped dong.

The egg-shaped dong was brutal.

Yeah.

You know what?

I'm done with this shit.

We can talk about me being a child sex predator all you like.

Don't talk about my egg-shaped penis.

Leave my egg out of this.

That's it.

That's it.

That's enough.

I've had enough.

You put enough on my name today.

You've crossed the line.

Yeah, man.

It's like,

it's crazy.

We're living under a genuine surveillance state anymore.

It's just like,

not saying you should have giant freak-offs and, you know, drug ladies and allegedly,

but it's like...

Yeah.

You know, you really can't let your hair down anymore, man.

Keep it buttoned up.

We're living under a giant panopticon.

Used to be able to have fun.

Used to be able to fly under the radar.

Let's say that now.

Yeah.

Although, I always assumed that's kind of what every celebrity was doing when I was younger.

I just imagined you're in a mansion full of naked women doing drugs.

It's kind of what I thought.

When they were like, did you get this?

It's like, yeah.

Yeah, but that's what I thought.

It is crazy that it did.

I mean, we talked about it, but the fact that every black dude on earth was saying every rapper was gay yeah and we were like what the fuck are they talking about I dude it was like you guys are crazy god damn they nailed it that was that was like they were saying this 15 years ago yeah there's like three that aren't gay and they're chirping like 50 is

it must feel so good method man just to be like i wasn't one of the gay ones yep

it's got to feel good

just to be like yep wasn't there yes even getting caught in the crosshairs of it is just like fuck could have happened to any of us.

I would have gone to a fucking Diddy party in a heartbeat.

Bro.

Not knowing what was going to happen.

If I got there and there was a freak off, I would fucking get the fuck out of there.

Yeah.

Just because I'd be totally embarrassed and humiliated.

True.

I'd be just a young sapling in the fucking redwoods.

Yeah.

Like, guys, I'm out of here.

I need a little sunlight.

You guys are hogging all the fucking sun.

Some fucking maelstripper would come over and go,

get the fuck off me.

What is this?

What kind of party is this?

That'd be so funny.

You'd have to go.

You're the star witness.

You're like, what happened?

Be like, yeah, I went there and I just got jerked off by a guy.

The second guy tugged me and I ran.

I ran out of the house crying.

He tugged me.

I, you know, I was kind of.

He tugged me.

I started screaming like a pig.

Raced out of the party.

And that's when my butt plug fell out.

I was like, my butt plug fell out and I shit everywhere and I had to sprint.

I doubled back for my vibrating raccoon tail butt plug.

Damn, if you if your plug fell out and you dumped, they'd get freaks would come out of the walls like cockroaches and clean it up.

They're like, damn, man.

You go,

where am I?

Four days of drugs.

And say, dude, what are we talking about?

You go on a four-day bud light bender.

You go, well, oh.

Yeah, man.

Think about doing drugs and getting tugged and butt sex.

You know how fucking tired you must be?

It's crazy.

Tony, they have like, you need like IVs and shit.

You need like IVs.

Yeah, it's insane.

You're not eating.

You're like laying there.

The next morning, you're eating.

Eating must be fucking hell in there, too.

Oh, yeah.

Unless I've, I don't know a single person who's ever, that's just movies where they're like eating a turkey leg and having sex.

I don't know what sex is.

They're probably doing that.

Sex eating?

Yeah.

But yeah, a lot of grapes.

A lot of people handing you grapes.

Usher's bowl of cherries.

That's my favorite footage of Usher allegedly destroying marriages.

Do you ever see those cherries?

Yeah.

Just

it's evil.

Bro, but cherries is weird because when he holds them up, they look like a little boy's testicles.

And there's just a 40-year-old lady like

just swirling them around.

You should fucking cut that out.

Yeah, that's kind of, you know, it's not really a responsible behavior.

No.

Dude, imagine seeing your babe.

Do you see some of that footage?

Dude, they're like, like, eyes closed, like, like, grunting.

It's like, what the fuck, man?

Like, I get it.

Yeah, it's Usher.

It's Ursha, dude.

It's Ursher.

It's Ursha.

You're right.

He does have herpes.

It's public record.

He does have herpes, so, allegedly.

That's why he uses the bowl of cherries.

Yeah, allegedly, by the way.

Allegedly.

There's a guy who claims Usher gave him herpes through K6.

What is going on with these fellas?

I don't know, dude.

Are the Honks innocent?

Are the Honks quiet during all this?

The Honks are awfully quiet, right?

The Honks are being quiet, but you know, there were some.

We had Epstein's Island.

We had the fucking Bieber.

Bieber's on one since the trial started.

He's been acting out.

He's been acting.

I don't even think he's acting.

I don't know.

I've seen it.

I think he's fading after it.

He's posting shit on Instagram.

I've just seen.

Yeah, maybe.

I've seen little clips here and there.

He's just faded.

I saw some of that too, and he's just kind of.

He's just ill, yeah.

He's ill.

He's just standing in his room kind of like with his hat like this, just kind of like rapping to himself, kind of high.

Yeah,

a lot of people are.

Yeah, a lot of people are.

I don't understand the Bieber hysteria.

Who seems kind of crunk?

I just think he's crunk right now.

I mean, I'd be getting crunk if everyone was like, are you okay?

And you're like, what?

The whole Diddy thing.

I'd be like, get the fuck out of my face.

Yeah.

I'm getting crunk right now.

Yeah, I'm not worried about anything.

I'm crunk.

Why is everyone asking if I'm all right?

I've been crunk this whole time.

Fuck.

Nothing worse than being crunk, and someone goes, are you all right?

Yeah, nothing would crush my vibe.

What the fuck?

I thought we were having a good time.

You're at the club.

He's having a great time.

It's the IG Live.

Yeah, and someone comes up to you and goes, you should go home.

You go, oh, shit.

I thought I was killing it tonight.

He does rule.

I thought about it.

I saw some thing trying to say, like, he lost all of his money and this and that.

I'm like, dude, Biebs is a legend.

He's killed everybody.

We killed Biebers too.

Full support of Biebers.

We support the Biebs.

Yeah, boy.

But yeah,

I was a little sensitive in my hotel room.

I was going, I saw that clip, like, he lost all his money, and I was like, man, leave a man alone.

I bet he didn't.

Yeah, that was what I was saying.

I'm like, dude, it's almost impossible.

Yeah, he has a lot of money.

He's always masters.

That's what they're saying.

Well, that's probably worth 200 million.

Yeah.

He's all right then.

Yeah.

Yeah, 200 million.

They're like, he lost all of his money.

Now he only has 200 million.

It's like,

it'd be all right.

He's got enough to get crunk on IG live he's good he's good

yeah if you have 200 million you're gonna get crunk on ig live and at any point he can go do a tour and make

that is all better all this behavior is better than zuckerberg's outfit

that's a guy who's losing his fucking mind

does does he i don't know if this is true does he live in like an underground like cave in hawaii

i think he bought a ton of

yeah i think he bought an island zuck might have a tunnel dude.

Zuck's tunneling.

He's tunneling.

He got the best tunnel.

I don't know if that's his Jewish man's dream.

I'm going to get a beachfront tunnel.

Does he look that up?

Because I did see some sort of diagram.

I didn't watch it.

He lives in a ranch of 5,000 square foot.

He lives in a ranch in Hawaii that has a 5,000 square foot bunker.

The fuck.

What the fuck?

Damn, that is nice when you upgrade your tunnel so much they have to call it a bunker.

Finally,

the Jewish bunkers under New York sounds a lot better.

It does.

Dang, that's crazy.

Tunnels suck.

Tunnels.

That would be sick, though, to argue with your wife and just being like, just retiring to the bunker.

I'm going to the bunker.

Just go like 40 fucking

400 feet underground.

Bitch.

Get down there screaming.

She can't hear you in the bunker.

Bitch.

Bitch.

See how Chapo just pop into your living room?

You're like, what the fuck?

Yeah, the Mexican and the Jews must have bumped into each other.

They probably don't.

What the heck are you doing down here?

Yeah, that's nice.

I understand the tunneling, though.

Yeah, get down there.

It's like, you remember when it would snow when you were a kid?

You go, I'd love to build a tunnel.

Oh, yeah, dude.

It's like the way Billy likes big boy toys.

Yeah.

I bet Jewish dudes, you're like, why are you tunneling?

They're like, I don't know.

I just, this is like my favorite thing.

Yeah, I just like to do it.

It's fun.

It's fun to do sneaky, no one knows what I'm doing now.

I don't know what it is.

I just like tunneling underneath New York.

I could be, you know, my house.

Next thing I know, no one sees it.

Next thing I know, I just pop up at another house and everyone goes, who the fuck is this guy?

Yeah, we can't, we're never going to move on.

Number one,

Mexican boat hitting the bridge.

It's never not going to be funny.

All-timer.

Jewish guy coming out of the fucking sewer grave.

It's the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen.

God, that would ruin my day.

If I was Jewish, just like eating breakfast, reading the newspaper, and I just saw that a Jewish guy got caught.

And it wasn't like.

It was like...

Yeah.

And it had to have been like the capital J Jewish guys with the fucking do.

I'd be like, bro.

Dude, I'd call a meeting.

I'd be like, guys,

we got to hit the gog and figure this out.

This is broken.

Yeah, we got to talk at the goggles.

the gogg.

Everyone get to the tunnels to the gogg.

That's probably there.

Like, that was kind of ours.

Charlottesville was tough for the Honks.

Yes.

I remember that because I vividly remember that.

We had a podcast.

We had a live podcast at Helium the night before, and I was like, Trump fucking rules, white people are back.

Thinking it was funny.

The next day, Charlottesville happened, and I was hung over, laying on a couch, watching the news, going, Oh,

not good.

I remember we changed it.

We should have to delete that podcast.

We changed the title as well.

The title must have been nuts.

Do you know what the title was?

I remember

Charlotte'sville.

And I had to change it.

Charlotte.

I had to change it.

I remember that.

Yeah, I forget what I changed it to.

We probably had a conversation on the phone.

Just like, dude, I don't know.

Yeah, it's fucking hilarious, but I don't think we should do it.

Charlotte'sville, yeah.

Fuck.

I know what an idiot.

Dude, the hangover, laying on the couch watching Charlottesville, just going,

damn, I said a lot of crazy shit last night.

I didn't know they were going to do this today.

Exactly.

That's the fucked up thing.

Nothing we could do about it.

We didn't know.

That's what happened to me when I was in grade school.

I wrote, like,

I copy and pasted some sort of rap lyrics about shooting someone.

The next day, Columbine happened.

I was like, shit.

Yeah.

God damn reported and kicked off AOL.

Getting kicked off AOL was bullshit.

That was a death sentence back then.

Imagine no messenger after school.

Getting home, trying to text or

I am.

I am.

Yeah, instant message.

One of the babes.

Dude, I

hit with an away message.

You go, ooh.

I don't think the person can get in trouble for this, but I knew someone who had

who found one of his teachers' AOL screen names.

and just anonymously for a year just

bought like very viciously attacked this guy online.

Nobody knew.

I was surprised.

His classmates knew, and they didn't.

Nobody snitched.

He got pulled into the disciplinarians office.

It was crazy.

He got like grilled and he was just like, and dude, the name was, oh my God, what was the name?

Silver Thunder 42069.

Was it the kid, the kid's name?

Yes, it was a screen name.

Silver Thunder, and it was just his screen name.

He was using it.

It was just attacks.

I think it was Silver Thunder.

Remember that Malt Liquor, Silver Thunder?

No.

It was just Silver Thunder 420.

Just having that guy calling you F's and B's on the internet.

And then you'd be like, who is this?

What's up?

F, what's up, B?

Just getting home from a long day of school.

All the kids are fucking pieces of shit.

You go, all right, I'm going to see what's going on in the World Wide Web.

Oh, it's followed me home.

Did you have any teachers in high school that had zero control of the class?

Oh, yeah.

That was the best, dude.

Almost

like all of the teachers.

Really?

Dude, my high school was like a poor Catholic school.

Yeah, yeah.

So it was like, we had teachers that were making like 20 grand a year.

None of them were qualified.

I don't even think you had to have a teaching degree.

Yeah, there was one lady who was, she was almost, I don't know, she was fucking blind, but I used to, we had doors in the front and back of the classroom.

And when she was teaching and I had a period off, I would see how many times I could walk laps through her class before she noticed.

She'd be teaching and I would just be walking through the class.

By like the sixth lap, she'd be like, Mr.

Gallis,

what are you doing in here?

She was like a fucking idiot.

We had a lady who...

big dog.

She was actually, she was funny.

She was nice.

But actually, she was our science teacher.

We went on a field trip and she was like, what do you guys want to do for lunch?

And I was like, old country buffet.

I got a chain on the bus and she was like, old country buffet.

She took us to OCB.

That was awesome.

Yeah, she was awesome.

But I would sing Werewolves of London under my breath at all times.

While anytime she turned her back, I'd go, Well, so werewolf of the Chinese, and she would go,

right?

Yeah.

And then, oh, fuck, there was a game we played.

It was like Cow in the Pen or something where we would all pick up our desks and surround her.

And she was just one of those ladies.

I I was like, what are you guys doing?

Cut it out.

That's so sick.

Yeah.

She was awesome.

Yeah,

every now and again, you would hit the jackpot in high school, and your teacher would be like a totally Autistic nerd.

Like, we could do whatever we wanted here.

We had one guy who was just,

every time he turned around, like five kids would go, his name was Mr.

Horn.

Everyone would go, oh,

knock it off.

It's like, what the fuck?

It's the only way to combat it.

Yeah, exactly.

Because if you spazz, it's over.

Oh, dude, it is.

Because you have teachers that spazz.

Yeah.

We had teachers.

We had teachers spazz all the time.

We had ladies cry constantly.

And then, oh, man, that was the best.

When we were growing up, we had a teacher that would cry all the time in spazz, but she also sang in the church choir.

And we didn't have a choir, but she would sing at church.

We had like one lady sing.

Did you ever have that?

Yeah.

It was just one woman.

They'd play organs and you'd hear a lady.

But

we would always tell her how much we loved her singing Gentle Woman.

Such a good song.

Peaceful dog.

Yeah.

And her and another lesbian teacher would sing it.

They would duet it.

And we would be like, can you guys, can you please sing it?

And they'd be like, fine.

We'd be in the middle of class.

We'd be like, can you please sing that song?

And she would sing it.

We would all laugh.

And then she would do it again.

She fell for it every time.

Oh, it's so fucking funny.

The Ave Maria used to genuinely fuck me up when I was little.

I'd be like, just being a monster in church, just like checking out babes, just fucking around with my brothers, and they'd hit the Ave Maria, and I'd be like, God, this is so fucking beautiful.

Yeah, there'd be some nice ones.

The Cantor.

The Cantor would belt out.

We had that.

We literally had an organ lady who would like crush sigs between songs.

And then we just had like, you know, canter here and there who come in and strut their stuff.

We've talked about it, I think, before, but the one that always got me was at the end of Christmas Mass, they sang Joy to the World.

Fired me up every time.

Once it started, I'd be like, oh, it's time to play with fucking my big boy toys.

This is the most lit song.

It was Charlottesville.

Yeah,

it was too lid.

It was lit.

Yeah, that was sick, dude.

When the toys, when you're like, we're finally leaving.

Church is done, dude.

Let's get it.

It's the longest mass of all time.

Oh, God.

It was one hour, but it felt like an eternity.

It did.

Took me.

We got a whole bunch of toys at home.

And then the priest, it was like, people start leaving.

I'd look at my mom, like, she'd be like, not until the priest goes by.

And I'm like, fuck.

No, you always have to wait for the fucking priest.

And then we got to shake his hand out in the fucking narthex.

No, what was it called?

The

fuck's a narthex?

Not the annex.

I think I made that up.

It's not the annex.

It's, I know what you're talking about.

That little area outside.

Yeah.

What the hell was that called?

I like blank on that terminology all the time.

I'm always kind of like.

What the?

The narthex?

Yeah.

It's the entrance or lobby of it.

Yeah, it's the narthex.

We got to meet up in narthex to shake the the priest's hand.

The narthex is such a crazy.

I never heard this.

It's all in there.

As he has rattling around.

Yeah, you have to go shake his hand.

Yeah, you got to talk to him.

You got to explain to the priest why you were talking during mass today.

I was bad.

And he goes, well, I'm going to suck your damn.

You are a bad boy.

We had a guy who was, when he wasn't doing Mass, he would chill in the Northex and catch the early defectors and be like, what's the rush?

You'd have to just walk by.

I'm like, shit.

Getting out to the Northx was so nice, though.

It's just be like, I have to go to the bathroom.

And your parents would be like, no, you fucking.

I know you don't have to go to the bathroom.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up right now.

I would see my brother go.

He would come back and be like, can I go to the bathroom?

She's like,

you got to shut the wait before you came.

be real quick.

I would literally just walk around.

Yeah, you just go out in the Northex and go, God damn, it's nice out here.

It's quiet, no one's out here.

I feel like I'm doing something.

I would see the family standing because they didn't get a seat.

I'd be like, That's so sick.

I want to stand somewhere.

I wish I was standing in the back.

Fuck, stand in the back.

Fucking bitch.

Yeah, my dad would spend the full hour just the most furious anyone's ever been.

Start to finish of mass.

He'd be like,

He fucking made a noise and be like,

shut the fuck up.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here.

You had to sit next to him.

You go, fuck.

He'd grab you by the back of the neck and dig in.

Shut the fuck up.

Fuck up.

Sing.

Sing a fucking song.

It'd be me and my brothers.

And yeah, you get separated out.

You'll never be like sent down next to that.

That blows.

Oh, it sucked so bad.

It was nice, though, when another one, I'd have another one of my brothers get picked off, so then you'd somehow get back together.

You'd be like, it's on.

Yes.

Yo, look at her yellow dress.

She's so fucking slut, dude.

It is crazy, man.

Every single boy is just fucking rock hard.

You're the most horny you've ever been in your life.

And your dad's next to you going,

God damn it.

Dude, I used to get my sons have boners.

All my boys have boners.

I would kneel down and go like this and just slap my balls against my leg the the whole time.

Knock it off.

I wonder.

You know, I never got around to asking my sisters, but do you think the ladies get fucking horny in there too?

Definitely.

You think the girls are horny too?

For sure.

Yeah, they must be.

For absolute sure.

I used to get so bored that the priest, it would literally, my vision would go into black and white.

I vividly remember staring and just going into black and white and just being like, Yeah.

Hey, I'm like, stand up.

We're standing up there.

Fuck up.

Get your ass off the pew.

Hey.

Yeah, Catholic Church fucking rules.

Sit down for your hand, you fucking jacket.

You guys don't even know.

It was tight, man.

LeMaire hates Catholicism.

I went to Catholic school.

True, you got kicked out for Didian.

You had a free golf that kicked you out.

Yeah, it used to suck.

Catholic Church?

Yeah.

Master?

It used to be so boring.

I came from black church to Catholic church, and that was a devastating switch.

It's a hard step down.

Yeah.

it is.

And I couldn't, and since I wasn't Catholic, like I was baptized, but I wasn't Catholic, so I couldn't do communion.

Like, that was just part, so I just had to sit there and just whoever thought you had a mortal sin on your soul, too.

Pharaoh.

I never got to, they wouldn't let me confess to the priest.

I just had to sit there with my sins.

Oh, that sucks.

What?

Yeah.

We had church.

Did you guys have church during school hours?

Sometimes we could school.

Because that would fucking rock.

Every class is going to be 10 minutes shorter.

Yep.

Fuck yeah.

Me and my boys would belt out too.

It was so fun.

Church and school.

Church and school was hilarious.

First Friday Mass, just belting out with your boys.

Screaming as loud as you can.

The teacher would look and just be like, I'm singing.

I'm allowed to sing.

What?

Singing the songs.

That's how I sing.

You don't know how I sing.

It's how I worship.

Get off my back.

All right.

We should switch over to the Patreon.

But.