Ep 558 - Ay Caramba

Wow, wow, Wes.

You, what a slap, bro.

What a motherfucker.

That was a powerful slap, Le Mare.

That was.

Damn, you're coming for Gardini's job.

I know, man.

Surprised everything syncs up properly with his little slap.

We'll see, though.

We'll see.

Usually you're about LeMaire's about 50% on his

producing skills.

Yeah.

There could be a major technical solid chance that this does not have a video.

So we'll see.

We sound like it is a woman's world, man.

I mean, we're lucky to be living in it.

We're lucky to be living in the L.

I can't wait until she comes here.

I'm going to the tour.

Katie Perry's, that was a good...

I was expecting that to be terrible.

The music video was great.

Do yourself a favor and watch

Katie Perry's Woman's World music video.

I thought the one part was really powerful.

There was one part that was extremely powerful, and me and the crew ran it back and started chanting, Wayman, Wayman.

It is a woman's world.

It was a very powerful, just that shot in general.

She's trying to tap into the drags.

Yeah, you're talking about just by no, not that, just making that song.

Yeah, that's a really good song.

She also was a host on RuPaul's Drag Race.

I've seen, trust me, Daddy, I know all about the drags.

Every once in a while, when it's a woman's TV choice, I have to watch fucking RuPaul Drag Race.

You should remake Grease.

That'd be a good movie.

Remake Grease, but it's really all just drag queens and doing drag racing.

But instead of the cars, they're just like walking towards each other.

One of the drag queens on the last season was a bit of a greaser.

Really?

You're not far off, man.

You've got a keen eye for the drag.

Actually, LeMaire would obviously be the most powerful drag here.

I would be number two.

It is about size and girth.

I'd be a mean fucking queen, dude.

Do you think LeMaire would take the the throne as the number one queen?

If you watch the show, you'll see who they like.

They like a portly fellow that does that.

I'd be a giant, though.

Because they wear like giant.

Yeah.

I'd be 6'7.

Oh, God.

How big of a bitch do you think you can be?

You know, I can be a bitch.

You've seen me be a little nasty bitch.

You've been around people when I was being a little nasty bitch to them.

You go, God damn, that guy's being a nasty.

I could probably be one of the nastier bitches.

That's so funny.

I know deep down I'd be a nasty queen, dude.

I got to get my flexibility up, though.

True.

That must be sick, though.

Just being a girl and being mad and just being like, I have no reason.

I'm going to say the most off-the-wall shit right now.

Oh, yeah.

It's got to feel so good.

And I'm, he'll forgive me in a day.

All I have to do is say sorry once.

In fact, I don't even have to say sorry.

I have to just be kind of nice the next day.

I have to vaguely acknowledge the guy that I'm dating or married to will just go,

fuck it.

Yeah, I don't give a shit.

I know you're fucking dumb.

No, that wasn't directed at anyone.

That was a joke.

It's just, it is funny, though, just to like be brewing, wake up.

Dude, ever since I got my gun, I've just been so sassy.

Really?

Ever since the gun's been in the house, I've just been going, who wants it?

Yeah, what's up?

What's going on?

Any bump in the night last night?

Yeah.

Clip was loaded.

Yeah, you like literally wake up feeling sorry for whoever it is.

Like, I'm not scared.

I'm just feel sorry.

It'd be insane what would happen to them.

I feel sorry for you right now.

Yeah, I'm going to try that.

I'm going to do one day where I just wake up and they'll kill the cops.

I'm not going to hit her.

No, I know, but if you said, not even say, no, no, no.

If you talk the way they talk to us, the police would be there.

I'd be so true.

I'll be way more subtle, though.

It'll be like, what's the matter?

And I'll be like, no.

I'll be like that all day.

Just wake up and it's like, my arm's hot.

Like, what?

Like, my dead.

Good sleep.

Something's going on.

My right hand's really warm right now.

No, get off of it.

Leave it alone.

I don't want you to touch it.

I want you to look at my arm.

Just see how long I can make it.

You would crack.

You would start laughing.

Whoa, if you did it to me?

No, not you.

I wouldn't do it to you.

Yeah.

I would do it.

Oh, you're a good one.

I'm a different targeted one.

You would target a strike.

You might hit some civilians, though.

I think the kids might be some collateral damage on that one.

You just targeted a strike in response to pure terrorism.

I'm getting a coffee, and I'm like, there's too much syrup in here.

i got this coffee today and i was laughing i i want to start going to coffee like the same coffee shop every day getting the same thing and every like as i sip it walking out the door i'm going to go oh it tastes like and just walk out every day just every day yeah that's good it tastes like i'm sick of eating this come on let's go

Just go, Jesus Christ, just throw it out and walk out and just do it every day.

Oh, man.

I just hope Katy Perry recovers.

Me too.

I'm starting to join KP's side now.

Good.

You're a powerful ally.

And the space landing.

Not good optics.

But that's a learning movement.

The moment.

Then she linked up with...

What was it?

Dr.

Dr.

Luke.

Dr.

Luke.

Dr.

Luke.

Question.

No,

that's where I draw the line.

No, Katie.

No, hanging out with Dr.

Luke.

I don't hang out with Dr.

Luke.

It's sick to team up with Dr.

Luke and then make a powerful woman song.

She's got drawing.

Yeah, I don't know.

It's one of those things where it's like, yeah, a bunch of

ladies went into space and acted like idiots.

Yeah.

So, what did you think was going to happen?

Are we all?

Yeah, they were just.

They're fucking ladies.

They might as well have rode one of those like.

Six wives got launched into space.

How did you think that was?

They should have launched him on one of those bicycles where you all face each other and blast music.

That's all that was.

They could have hit him with a Peloton class.

The park roll bike.

Oh, that one?

The bachelor party where they're all like, yeah.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

They can't handle those.

Who thought they were going to handle a fucking Blue Horizon?

This episode is brought to you by Dude Wipes.

If you're still dry wiping with toilet paper, you need to stop being an A-hole to your B-hole and switch to Dude Wipes.

Isn't that funny?

That is funny.

Whoever wrote this, give me a call.

I need some material.

I made the switch myself, and the difference, let me tell you, is real.

Dude wipes tackle the mess without any fuss, and the convenience of their flushable design makes cleanup a breeze.

No more juggling rolls or settling for less than adequate wipes.

Aren't you tired of juggling rolls, Matt?

For sure.

They leave no room for dingleberries.

All right.

Or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss.

Yeah, leave those on the floor.

The butt crumbs, yeah.

Plus, they're extra large for adults.

I like that because you are not a baby.

So stop using baby wipes.

Itch the itch and switch to wet, extra-large, flushable dude wipes.

Dude wipes, best clean pants down.

Available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide.

I just hope they raise enough awareness for Bezos's mission to launch trash into space.

Yeah, he started by launching trash.

Why are you guys lagging?

Have any of those bicycle things been hit by a truck yet?

Had to have been, bro.

Had to have been.

I've been on one before, and it's like

after riding one i'm like these things got to get clipped man because you're just in the street there's just a guy like

looks over his shoulder and just hits the street this guy hitting an on-ramp and you're out there going oh

into the wrong side of the highway and you're like dude come on dude come on

yeah i'd like to know take me home tonight you're just riding in fucking southbound traffic

that's a good uh yeah that would be funny just suicide mission yeah suicide bike ride.

Ladies hop on.

Especially you just driving and just like, and then so my fucking daughter, he's like, I can't, man.

Pedal Mopac.

You don't write into the river.

You don't even pedal.

You don't pedal at all.

You just sit.

Your pedaling does nothing on those things.

Dude, that's how ladies used to kill themselves back in the day.

You just hop in the river.

You're just ready for the river and you would just be like, fuck it, and jump in.

Yeah, that's usually how they got rid of their kids, too.

Oh, Jesus.

We're taking you straight to the lake.

Why don't you sit in the back of the car?

I'm going to put it in neutral.

Like down the boat ramp.

I'm tired of crying.

I want to go out with my friends.

Yeah, I want to hang out.

I want to go, I want to be a flapper.

Did you ever like get to.

I'm really going at the women.

No, the flapper, that was in 1920.

No, I know that a flapper is.

I'm just saying, the beginning of this has all been like, fucking women are fucking annoying.

Dude, we're all Gatybury sad.

We're fucking fun.

We support them.

We do, dude.

We're lucky to live in the middle of the morning.

One of those fucking bike things get clipped yet?

I'm trying to make sure.

Oh, no, this one didn't get clipped.

It just fell.

It just fell over?

Yeah, just never going too fast.

You're flying?

Yeah.

Well, I appreciate that.

And it tipped over?

Yeah.

Dang.

Damn, they probably got pretty hurt.

Oh, yeah.

I saw the sky bar.

Did you ever see those things?

They put like a bar on a crane.

What?

Yeah, really just high in the air.

No.

I saw one of the cables snapped on one of those and it like.

oh they didn't it turned into the fucking fun house dude turned into a real fun house damn that seemed like the scariest thing i've ever seen i think it was in puerto rico i could be wrong i thought it was eight

okay maybe what's the difference

your father died

bar

damn i didn't know they'd do that they just lift you up in a dude when you're up that high too the wind catches you and you're swaying like seems like shit it's a terrible idea i bought nothing pissed the entire time.

True.

Out there drinking.

Oh, I didn't even think about that.

Where do you?

I guess they have like a little commode.

What do you even do?

Piss.

Hey, now, now actually, you could sell me on going up here some night and having Puerto Rican ladies pee on me and fucking.

You gotta start selling tickets to the underneath.

You a little side hustle.

Just drowning in white claw piss.

Now we're talking.

That thing's no holes barred, dude.

True.

I got to head to San Juan.

I got a business.

Yeah.

That's the women's world I dream of.

Dude.

Just get a poncho like you're at the Lady of the Mist.

I would be voguing up there, dude, if I was at the fucking Puerto Rican Sky P-bar.

Yo, will you look up this Puerto Rican Sky P-bar?

We got to fact-check this.

True.

Sorry, we have an all-black crew today.

They're both preoccupied with the NBA playoffs.

Second stats.

Dude, the NBA playoffs need to chill on the commercials.

What are they doing?

Bro,

they are targeting the African-American community with intensity.

How so?

Every single commercial is catered to black people.

Gotcha, gotcha.

But it's like almost like.

It's not race war stuff.

No, it's not race war stuff, but it's a little like Wingstops taking up a bunch of

wing stops.

It's definitely chicken plays.

You're watching it going, dude.

Yeah, NBA is like spread it out.

Shame on them.

Put one on the PGA tour.

Tossing a pet boys.

Throw it off a little.

Tossing a pet boys.

Shame on them.

Yeah, it's fucking literally a sprite.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Somebody was saying the other day, they're like, it's crazy that the wing stop commercial isn't racist because it's just a black guy.

The wing stop commercial is the most racist commercial I've ever seen.

Racist is that.

He's a cool black guy.

Just, you describe it.

He gets.

I can't even describe the Wingstop commercial without sounding racist.

It's a trap.

He's trying to pull out a Jenga piece, and then they put a piece of chicken in his face, and he's like, whoa, and his eyes knock over the Jenga.

Oh, that's the other one.

That's the.

No, Flex.

No.

Yeah.

That's a good one, though.

I'm talking, there's a new Wingstop commercial where it's a base.

I think it's supposed to be an NBA player.

And he's doing the whole fashion fucking.

walkthrough that they do and then he hops in a limo and just crushes chicken.

And every white guy on earth goes, I knew that's what they're doing.

I knew that's what was going on in those cool limos.

It's so fucking funny.

In case you still want to know, it was Puerto Rico.

It was one of the bars.

They said a thing snapped, and all of the bartenders just started screaming all at once.

And they just know shit.

Yeah.

It's like that thing.

They're not like pilots.

They're not going to be like, oh, okay, we've got

a cake.

Yeah.

screaming and praying.

Oh, yeah.

They're Puerto Rican sky bartenders, dude.

Surprising they weren't screaming and praying from the start.

That's a major icorumba, dude.

If one cable snaps in my Puerto Rican sky bar, I'm fucking.

That's when my accent comes out, honestly.

Holy fucking shit.

No, no, no, no.

No.

God damn, I didn't know they did that.

That's awesome.

Because you could spin that thing around, too.

You can do whatever you want.

You got to get a whole terrace.

Terro.

Terro Tiembre.

Mucho miedo.

I believe it's important to take care of mental health issues because.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you got to be careful.

Man, you know, you can't.

You got to get your mental health.

You got to get your mental health.

Otherwise, you can really take off, man.

Next thing you know, you're wearing a fucking cool necklace you think everyone's gonna like, and then everyone's fucking mad at you.

And it's true, turns out you should just went to a therapist instead of should have gone to a therapist and said, Would it be cool if I got a dragon medallion?

And they would go, Absolutely not, absolutely not.

They would say, Are you the man?

You go,

I don't think so.

Yeah, actually, we have a camp.

I think your dad's been trying to sign you up for, and we're straightening you out.

I'm going to pray,

yeah.

I mean, we used to think that dragon medallions were cool, and then we went to therapy, and the therapist actually beat me.

The therapist beat it out.

That's why we don't go to that therapist anymore.

That's why we use better help, guys.

How we look at and treat mental health issues has come a long way, but there's room for improvement.

In a recent survey, 26% claimed they've avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment.

For Mental Health Awareness Month, let's break that stigma and encourage people to get help when they need it.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

Dang, that's pretty cool.

That's nice.

Yeah, we can do it in May.

I wasn't even aware.

Yeah, I didn't know that.

That's a huge problem.

So, yeah, it's just helped me just feel more comfortable.

I have really fat thighs, and I've been uncomfortable about them.

No, you have very nice thighs, Matt.

They used to be fat.

I've turned them purely.

I'd have fat new to those fucking thighs.

We should go to Couples Therapy and just talk about what you would do to my thighs.

And they've actually, we have done that.

We've benefited greatly from Couples Therapy.

Shane's made me feel like my thighs are beautiful.

Well, they are.

Things he's done to them.

I've wrapped them around my fucking ears.

Guys, if you're ready to start therapy but not entirely sure where to begin, check out BetterHelp.

It's affordable and convenient since everything is fully online and they currently serve over 5 million people worldwide.

So you know you're not alone when it comes to seeking help.

That's good.

We're all better with help.

Visit betterhelp.com slash MSSP to get 10% off your first month.

That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash MSSP.

That's a good ad read.

It's a great ad read.

They're going to love that.

Yeah, the commercials, the only time you see like purely white commercials is Fox.

Yeah.

And the heart of white commercials is My Pillow, Gold Coins.

What else?

They do like fucking Help the Jews commercials.

Yeah.

I like the right-wing take on coffee.

There's always right-wing coffees.

That makes me laugh.

Oh, yeah, true.

Because you never see a right-wing coffee shop.

I just got these coffees.

Dude, it's man, it's pretty wild in there.

The right-wing coffee is

a good move.

Yeah.

Because it's only the gayest coffee.

I know.

Every coffee shop is like, you know, like above and beyond.

It's one thing to be like, hey, come on in and have some coffee.

It's like, by entering this, you are sworn.

You are now.

You are an ally.

Yeah.

They hand you just like an Antifa black face mask.

That'd be nice to have a coffee shop where it's just like, you know, no balls in girls' sports.

I saw a sign that had that the other day.

There was a guy running for like local office.

I don't forget where I I was, but it was like, keep the balls out of girls' sports once and for all.

Hire me to city council.

I was like, fuck.

I'd be touched.

If he gets elected and it's like, all right, dude,

let's go.

Get rid of the balls.

He's like, I'm hitting the locker room right now.

Turns out there was one in a neighboring district.

Yeah.

So that problem was already solved here.

Time for me to focus on infrastructure.

I wasn't ready for that.

I was more of the balls guy.

So I'm a little in over my head on this one.

i ran on children's genitals and i

i ran on a campaign of entirely children's genitals turns out it wasn't as prevalent as i thought uh pretty much everyone in this district agrees you got to set up a false flag yeah you have your 13-year-old son you're like look it's for the good of the it's for the it's for the dynasty it's for the family the city council dynasty we could be the next next bushes

yeah that's a that's a wild i mean he probably got elected i for where the was i i don't remember Oh, you know what?

I think it was in,

no, it wasn't in, it was in Alabama when we were down there.

We were driving.

That's a fucking layup.

Yeah, bro.

He's dead.

Holy shit.

360 Tomahawk.

Dude, I was in San Francisco this weekend, and it was

that we drove through like the Mission District.

I think that's like there, like Kensington.

Dude, it's fucking wild.

I can't buy it.

It's not as like big and thick as Kensington, but it's insane.

I drove.

Shoot, Paul's my bad.

I drove through, and dude, they have like.

cynic.

It's crazy.

I'm in like dense with people.

It's not as like big and thick as veiny as Kensington.

It's not as veiny and throbbing as Kensington.

It's not oozing precum.

But they have like a different drug guy.

You know, Kensington has like the bending over guys.

In San Francisco, there's like these guys, and they just walk around.

It's crazy.

It's a new guy.

Stock walkers.

Yeah, stock walkers.

They're just like this.

They're like this, and they just kind of like scramble around.

I've never seen those guys.

It is nice.

It is nice that it's like a zombie video game.

Where you're like, why are there different zombies in every level?

But it actually is like that.

I don't know what that drug is.

The final stop is fucking L.A., San Diego with the Screaming Runners.

Yeah, Screaming Runners.

Austin's got the Screaming Runners, dude.

Screaming Runners.

It's terrifying.

I don't know if that's like the meth fighting the heroin and they just get like stuck.

Could be.

Because it was wide.

And they weren't like, if they were older guys, I'm like, it's just like scoliosis, untreated.

They were like on the younger side, like in their 30s, just hunched and then twisted, too.

Nice.

I want to get a Pokédex.

Low pad level.

They're ready to fucking.

They're ready to shoot.

Low man wins.

I want to get a Pokédex where I can just identify them.

Yeah.

A twisted Bendy.

Mild aggressiveness.

If America declines enough and we bring back basically the Coliseum, we need to toss these boys in.

True.

I got a feeling the heroin boys in Northeast are going to be tough.

I think the screaming runners here are all talk.

I think the heroin boys are going to be tough.

Yeah, then for like the card, like the round girls, we can just get like street prostitutes.

Yeah.

Like toothless street prostitutes.

How tough do you think the Midwest zombies are going to be?

Midwest zombies are they're not even zombies.

They're like white meth.

Yeah.

I don't know.

They'd be technicians for sure.

Yeah,

they'd be working on the crafts.

Because we would have to get into pod racing.

We would have to let these boys operate some motor vehicles.

We need the weight class.

We need like the 95-pound to like 97,

110, 115 is heavyweights.

110.

And you got to watch the Women's League because you would have a lot of...

women.

The Women's League would be nice.

Yeah, but you'd have to be careful with the.

You have a lot of Juana men fucking sneaking in there.

There would be a lot of Juana men.

Keep the balls out of homeless cock fighting.

Keep the cocks out of homeless cock fighting.

Who's your pick to win?

The Screaming Runners on paper, they could be a paper tie, but they'd be more of like X-Pox.

They'd be off the ropes.

They'd be more off the ropes.

I saw him at an airport.

You almost got me, man.

No, you didn't.

I did.

I saw Pop, dude.

I for real.

I saw X-Bac.

I'm starting to come back around on that, too.

I think you might have saw it.

I did, dude.

I swear I saw Pop.

You need to start screaming X-Pac at so many people.

Any white dude with long hair, you got to go, oh, X-Pac.

He was wearing a bandana and cool glasses and a tank top.

It was definitely X-Pac.

Every single white dude with long hair with dresses like x-pac

i swear dude i think i was on my way to puerto rico when i saw xbox and so he was had to do a skyboy for sure

so i should snap the cat black guy with dreads and tattoos and be like john morant

he's like dude they all that's every dude with dreads that's skinny looks like that

we'll never know i'll have to call my friend because he was there

Like, can you remember when we saw Pac?

That used to be our dreads.

Yeah, curly hair like that.

Wet curly hair.

Yeah, true.

That was much more prevalent.

It was.

It really was.

It was like every other guy.

Yeah, just part right down the middle.

Pretty sick.

That was fucking tight.

Whites had swag back then, dude.

Whites had crazy swag in the 90s.

Come on, man.

Whites had crazy swag in the 90s.

Crunch, we were going nuts.

That might have been y'all worse look error.

What?

The long hair,

crazy little barbed wire tattoo.

That shit's sick.

That was glasses.

Yeah.

Y'all are older.

To be fair, we were in like a weird incubating stage because that's kind of when white people started trying to dress like black people.

So we were in like a weird.

Yeah, we were still, yeah, we were still transitioning.

Ah,

you guys, you guys kept switching it up so fast on us.

Like, give us time, man.

That's true.

Then you guys copied us.

Kanye brought out the polo, and that fucked us.

That reset us.

But we untucked them.

It made it a little more free.

You guys always kept the polo tucked.

It's a whole different thing.

Don't get me started on race war, dude.

Dude, right now.

Dogging is tough.

As soon as I got my gun, dude, I was

fully race war.

Have you been on X in a while?

Yeah.

Mine is for real.

Me and Nate were just having this argument.

Were you really?

Not an argument, just a nice discussion.

Dude, mine is...

Algorithms fired up.

Yeah, mine's full-on race war, like race baiting.

And not even like, you know, like this, it's like go back to Africa level.

Like, it's insane, man.

The lady who gave the finger and said the N-word has raised like $600,000.

And then there's like, but she's against the guy who...

Murdered a guy?

Yeah.

Allegedly murdered a...

No, he did.

He did.

He stabbed a kid in the heart in front of everyone.

And the kid died in his brother's arms.

Yeah.

And people are more offended that the lady who said a word has a goph on me.

But she has more.

That's the problem.

Oh, she made more?

The lady who said a word?

Yeah.

Or the guy who stabbed a, well, the kid who stabbed a guy.

Yeah, he didn't make enough.

That's a problem.

He didn't make enough money.

No, he only made like $400,000.

No, I think they made more than that because he got an escalated in like a house.

Yeah.

He did.

Allegedly.

No, I saw that report as well.

But who knows about these reports, dude?

I'm getting hit with.

I'm for them having like somewhat somewhat of an equitable share of their funds.

I think they should get married.

One crime is more severe than the other.

Saying a word or stabbing someone in the heart.

Yeah, I mean, I could see you thinking that.

That's where I get a little.

That's my, that's my little hangup on this.

Is one person talked

and the other person stabbed someone in the heart.

The craziest part, I don't know how people even researched it.

The guy videoing the lady is apparently a pedophile.

Of course.

He's a fucking pedophile.

I don't know if this is true.

High to pedophiles keep filming people.

They keep getting involved.

They're like, he's a pedophile.

I don't know how they even, you can't even see the guy's face.

And they're like, he's a pedophile.

And then the.

They might be tossing these pedophile charges out, willy-nilly, because you can literally lay on the ground at a protest and shoot a guy.

And chances are it's going to be a pedophile.

Chances are everyone's going to go, no.

You should fish in a barrel.

I watched a clip of,

I think it was on the Sean Ryan podcast.

He had a guy on who does busts pedophiles.

And he's like, dude, it is so much more prevalent than you think.

Childborn specifically.

He goes, dude.

I don't know if we'll get age restricted, but, you know,

stuff.

Yeah, whatever.

But the, yeah, he goes, dude, the amount of like the sheer volume we're tracking of people accessing it is super high.

And according to him, he was like, and it's all, it's high in like 20-year-olds.

So he's like, you get a lot of, you get a lot of younger dudes hitting the fucking CP.

Oh my God.

Yeah, man.

It's fucked up.

Now, how do you even find that stuff?

How do you find it?

I also, dude, I uh, so I've been black.

That's a funny, it's a funny bitch.

Yeah, I know, just being like, Where

do you even find something like that?

I think it's like a reverse runner situation.

How, like, kids ask like guys like us to buy them alcohol.

You got to go to a school and be like, just hang outside and be like, yo, can you

guys point me in a direct,

yo, can you, uh, they go into school and you had to wait outside school for them to come out?

Like, you know, they score.

Somebody comes out and goes, get the fuck out of here.

We got a deal.

Go, go, go, go.

Oh, fuck.

my dad's gonna beat the fuck out of me for this

my my dad's gonna be so pissed i was trying to score childborn into school

here's the car right home like i didn't do it i said yeah no music on in the car right home

that is fucking bullshit it's not true

he wasn't fucking liar

it was my friends I was just there.

I was just skateboarding there.

I didn't even want to fucking that stuff.

Dude, it's like going out in the world and like at 35 getting rounded up for some CP and having to crash land back in the parents' nest, man.

What a fucking nightmare, man.

What a nightmare.

You got to move in and kill your dad.

You can't.

First step is like, I got to kill my dad.

I got to go back to,

get a win in the, you know,

get one in the win column, and then let's build from there.

Step one, I got to kill my dad.

Before that first breakfast together, he's reading the newspaper.

He's reading the breakfast.

He's reading the newspaper.

Labor down looking at you going.

Jesus Christ.

Your mom trying to smooth it over a little.

It's fine.

All the kids are doing it.

I just read a report that said it's a lot more prevalent than you think.

Thanks, Mom.

It is.

Well, that would be rough stuff.

It's a tough bit.

I mean, it is funny to think about your dad just going, What the hell are you thinking?

I don't know what he's doing.

I don't know.

I learned it from you.

I only looked.

I found it on your dad.

I only looked at one.

One?

All right, four.

All right, I was looking at four.

I looked at four, John Porce.

Just give you the belt.

Yeah, I'll get the belt.

No, Dad.

Yeah.

Can I take your car?

Can I buy your car?

A couple of guys want to meet it.

You're not going anywhere.

I fucking hate this place.

I make one mistake and bowl out fucking my whole summer's ruined.

Your wife and kids are living with you.

Oh, man.

There are some true ride or die bitches, though.

Yeah.

The ladies that stick around with the fucking convicted.

It's crazy.

I knew a guy.

Like Mrs.

Sandowski, I think, held it down.

Did she really?

Yeah.

Dang, bro.

I think she held it down big time.

Did she really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She was like, oh, come on.

According to the Netflix film and the Suns, Mrs.

Menendez held it down.

Dang.

I mean, if Mrs.

Dave, she literally ride or die.

She died.

She did.

She fucking was there till the end, eating ice cream, watching TV, getting fucking popped.

I mean, Mrs.

Sandusky probably like went to a priest and was like, I don't know what to do.

And he was like,

small fucking sticks.

This is potatoes, dude.

You guys are going to be fine.

This is nothing.

He's probably just going to switch schools and just do it again, dude.

It's fucking sick.

Hopefully the new pope cracks down.

Hopefully we need the black pope.

We need Africa Corps Pope.

Did we not get a Pope?

I thought we got one.

Oh, one?

I think.

Did we get a pope?

I feel like I want to.

I feel fatherless right now.

We would have heard about that.

Smoke didn't change, bro.

Smoke didn't change.

We would have heard about that.

They're still in there chiefing.

Chiefing, Frankincense.

Fucking 16, dude.

AP News says 13 minutes ago, the conclave to elect a new pope has officially begun.

Yo.

Let's go.

That's sick.

Was like a cardinal hold it down in the meantime?

No.

There's got to be some dude that's going.

I guess no, yeah.

I guess there's the guy, the head guy that runs the conclave.

Yeah, yeah,

dang, that's got to be so tight, dude.

Just like finally, we get to burn all this incense and do all this shit.

True, and they're mostly geezers, so like this is probably my last one.

Yeah, this shit rocks.

Fuck.

It looks scary.

It's like all the cardinals descending upon like the Vatican.

It looks scary.

You should be scared.

You should fear God, homie.

Yeah, dude.

I fear God, homie.

Every day?

Yeah, that's that'd be tight just to listen to those conversations.

you guys need to become catholic

look who it is

oh baby billy little baby billy not gonna answer that

uh

yeah let me who's in the running for the for the uh yeah what do we got the holy the holy see

i look it up uh I didn't know they told you that.

This is a young Catholic prospect from from Minnesota.

They did.

I swear there's an African priest.

Dang, do you think they have an error rating for how many times they touch kids?

He's got like a 0.23.

0.23 errors on field.

They got to fire up some little kids.

Let's go.

This is a pivotal moment for the Catholic Church.

They need to fire up.

They need to break the mold.

It'd be sick if Obama was just the Pope.

You get out there.

He's like, come on, brothers,

come to church.

Come on, brother.

This is a crazy Obama impression.

That's what he did last night.

That was the most recent one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the most recent one.

He goes, come on, brother.

Yeah, the brothers, you're looking,

brother.

Yo, here he is.

What is it?

That was the channel.

Damn, the black cardinal's name is Peter Turkson.

Peter Turkson?

Yeah, he's got the easiest name out of everybody to try to.

I was trying to tell him to.

They're all Italian.

Yeah.

Mateo Zupi.

Did you you ever get when the African missionary priests would come to your church on a random Sunday?

Yeah.

I used to love when those guys came.

We had a guy fucking stay as our priest for like way too long.

Did you really?

In Mechanicsburg, people were getting a little tired of it.

I can't even understand the fucking homily.

I don't know one thing this guy's saying.

Yeah, he was a good brother.

What are you just like lifting one of the altar boys up in front of everyone?

This is a new king.

No, Africa Corps Pope would be sick, dude.

That would be so tight.

I don't want peace.

I want problems

all the time.

You hit the fucking Nigerian who wants to be a millionaire.

Hit him with a fucking...

It's okay to be gay now.

No!

Yeah, we need that.

We need to switch it up.

If we get another, like,

yeah, like an aged Italian guy it's time to switch it up a little bit i agree this episode is brought to you by viore so there's a lot of sports out there obviously you've got basketball baseball and football but then there's running climbing yoga pickleball but the good news is that you only need one pair of shorts for all of it the core short from viore that's right the core short is the short that started it all for viore

fitness versatility one short every sport

guys they're ideal for fitness running and training but also stylish and comfortable.

That's important.

That is important.

I want to be stylish.

I want to be stylish and comfortable.

Some of their stuff is like borderline erotic.

I'll say, if you feel my shorts right here, I'm actually wearing them right now.

I'm actually wearing them right now, dude.

Viori is an investment in happiness.

And right now, you can get 20% off your first order in free shipping on any U.S.

order of $75 and free returns.

So get your core shorts now at Viori.com/slash secret.

That's V-U-O-R-I dot com/slash secret.

Exclusions apply.

Visit the website for full terms and conditions.

This podcast is supported by Progressive, a leader in RV Insurance.

RVs are for sharing adventures with family, friends, and even your pets.

So if you bring your cats and dogs along for the ride, you'll want Progressive RV Insurance.

They protect your cats and dogs like family by offering up to $1,000 in optional coverage for vet bills in case of an RV accident, making it a great companion for the responsible pet owner who loves to travel.

See Progressive's other benefits and more when you quote RV Insurance at Progressive.com today.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, pet injuries, and additional coverage and subject to policy terms.

What you got?

There's a Filipino Pope.

Filipino Pope?

I don't mind that.

There's a Filipino guy, no wrong.

A couple Filipino guys, it looks like.

What?

A guy from Jerusalem.

Uh-oh.

Is he back?

Is he back?

Should he be?

He says it's

a cardinal.

And I can't even begin.

His last name is Pizzabala.

Oh, yeah.

That's the one people are hyped on.

Pizza Balla.

Pier Batista Pizzabala.

What's Pizza Balla up to?

Pizza Balla.

It says he's a cardinal.

He's 60.

So he's kind of young.

Damn, he's from Jerusalem.

What?

He's the bishop of Jerusalem.

Whoa.

He enjoyed a simple country life.

Uh-oh.

Pizza Balla.

I don't know about that, but

I think it's simple.

This is crazy.

Look at the advertisement for this.

This is a younger lady.

This is the lady on all fours.

It says gynecologist baffled.

Simple stretch relieves bladder leakage.

Why the fuck are they talking to me with that?

Getting USA today, dude.

Just a lady leaking out in the fucking downward dog pocket.

Yeah,

that's true.

That's the thing.

Pizza Bala has got a good...

He studied at...

Hebrew University and was able to absorb non-Christian points of view and learn the Hebrew language.

He earned a reputation as a trusted emissary among the Christian, Muslim, and Jewish communities in the Holy Land.

But

could be the bro to unite the bros.

Yeah, Pizza Balla could be nice.

He could definitely form a...

Oh, dude.

What'd you got?

In the wake of October 7th, the attacks by Hamas, Pizza Balla called for prayer and even offered himself as a hostage.

Oh, that was the guy.

In exchange for the release of children.

Shit.

I know that guy.

Pizza Ball is the moot.

Pizza Ball is kind of a beast for that.

Yeah, he is.

They didn't take Pizza Balla?

Hamas is fucking dumb as shit.

They should have taken him up on that and cut his head off right away.

If Hamas was really about that life.

No, if he cut off a Cardinal's head, they would have gotten

crushed.

That would be crusades.

Assemble the army.

It is funny him standing there and like, no, no, no, no, no, dude.

We're going to keep these kids.

Yeah, be like, no, dude, we do not want the fucking smoke.

Damn, he went white boy crazy on the Muslims.

He went white boy crazy to fucking kill me.

Take me.

Like, take me right now.

He just carried a drudged crucifix down to the Gaza.

Take me!

Fucking pussies!

Oh, pizza ball.

I remember hearing about that.

What a beast.

I want to learn about the African fellow.

Yeah, I would like to learn about it.

But I'm not talking about the Algerian, dude.

That's bullshit.

Who's the Algerian guy?

Oh, that guy who's

Aveline.

Yeah, who's trying to say he's the Pope.

He's the real Pope.

It's like, no, dude, you're the real Jews.

Chill.

You can't have everything

i'm the jews and the pope it's like all right hold on there's a guy named joe tobin from new jersey

joe tobin yo joe tobin all the way from fucking newark

he's just a deacon that threw his hat in the ring we've never had an american bull we haven't actually

Could you be my American?

Damn, Italy really is like the New York City of the fucking,

if you want to really make it in the Pope business, you got to go to Italy.

American Pope would be dope

I think it'd be sick yeah it'd be the young pope yeah

they're not gonna they're not gonna do Joe Tobin

Joe Tobin from Tom's River new Joe Tobin

damn Peter Turkson native of Ghana

let's see let's see who else we got Ghana could be nice one of them uh

credentials on issues of poverty climate change

Climate change, Pope.

Beat it.

The church has been hard on it.

They've been going hard for climate change.

Oh, but Turks and Lean's conservative on matters such as homosexuality and

contraception.

Motherfucker, do I have a fucking meeting right now?

Oh, no.

That'd be nice if they vote.

Like,

what do we think about gay stuff?

And there's some guys like, eh, whatever.

That's a big, that's a big part of it.

yeah true yeah you gotta stand up and go fellas it is funny just have a room full of with that just wow also a ton of those dudes in there are gay yeah just like i don't know i've never even heard of that what the is that i don't even know what the fuck

you what

now how would somebody go about finding out about something

How do you even do that?

I'm curious.

Guys, please come.

I think next weekend, May 16th and the 17th,

I'll be at the Crest Theater in Sacramento, California, then the Neptune Theater at Seattle, Washington, and then the Hollywood Improv at Hollywood, California in June 25th.

But next weekend is a big one.

Please come to that.

Thank you.

May 31st, Des Moines, Iowa.

Come on.

What are you waiting for?

Hey, everybody.

It's me, LeMaire again.

Aren't you guys?

You're full of shit, dude.

That's a good crazy squat.

This is a squad.

Hey, would you come to my show at Florida at Coastal Creative on May 9th?

Let me test the fucking position.

On May 9th.

Hey, solid as a rock, bro.

On May 9th, and on Friday, May 9th.

I'm going anywhere.

Saturday, May 10th, where I'm cool headlining with John Rudnitsky or whatever.

Don't say or whatever, like you're fucking better.

I'm not better, but I didn't like that it happened.

This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames.

You know, when you give someone something and they just light up because they love it?

That's a great feeling.

Well, this Mother's Day, you can make that happen and be crowned best gift ever in your family with an Aura digital picture frame.

And to really seal a deal, you can give it to mom pre-loaded with all her favorite family pictures.

I love thoughtful gifts like that.

You know?

Yeah, man.

I think my mom, I actually, I'm like, damn, I got to send something back for Mother's Day.

True, when the fuck is it?

This Sunday.

Oh.

Yeah.

I might send a priest.

I'm not going to get nothing for Christmas.

I'm going to send a priest to bless the house.

That's a good move.

That'd be cool.

Well, it's not as good as an aura frame, Matt.

No, well, he could have, they can take pictures

of the priest just like sternly staring at the family.

Aura frames has lots of cool features.

It's easy to see why it was named best digital photo frame by Wirecutter.

There's unlimited storage, so you can add as many photos, videos, and funny memes as you can find.

Wouldn't it be nice to send your father and mother a a meme?

That'd be nice.

You could trick them.

And setting everything up is ridiculously simple.

You can literally just plug it in and share away.

Plus, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day.

For a limited time, listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off.

Plus, free shipping on their best-selling Carver Matt Frame.

That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com.

Promo code MSSP.

Support the show by mentioning us at checkout.

Terms and conditions apply.

Now let's get back to the show.

What do you say?

Let's do it.

Yeah, that's uh, I saw a cool priest in San Francisco.

I went down to Hait Ashbury or whatever it's called, like the big hippie area, and there was a cool priest in Doc Martens walking around.

Like, there was like the like laying on the ground hippies on like the corner, and he was like chopping it up with them.

They were fighting, they literally, we were there for maybe an hour, just walking around, and like within that hour, they all spazzed and freaked out at each other.

It's not fucking cool, man.

You fucking came in.

They started freaking out on each other.

I I was like, dang it.

This is what hippies always do.

They always spaz on each other.

They were like jamming on acoustic guitars.

It was sick.

I've been big into hippies lately.

Really?

I've been watching a lot of Vietnam.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm back.

I'm reading a Vietnam book, watching Vietnam documentaries.

That's tight.

You know what pisses me off about Vietnam documentaries?

Well, they always cover.

They always, Ken Burns did it.

Now, this Netflix one does it, where they interview

North Vietnamese, like civilians, and they always cover American atrocities.

I've never seen one where they focus on what the fucking Viet Cong were doing to people.

Yeah, what did they do?

What they tortured?

They were terrific shit.

Yeah, they're kidnapped and murdered, like, everyone.

Dang.

Priests, they're butt-fucking priests.

Oh, yeah.

I think Tich Nhat Hong, or that guy who wrote all those books, he like escaped from there.

He said it was pretty bad.

Yeah.

Dang.

Yeah, it was bad.

I mean, the only thing they ever really cover is like John McCain and this one pilot.

I think think his name is Alvarez.

He got shot down like day one and stayed in prison the entire fucking war.

Damn.

Yeah, that's a tough time.

Yeah, I do.

From what I've heard, they didn't treat the prisoners well.

Day one.

You go, how long is this war going to be?

They're like, man, it should be a couple days.

It's a decade, isn't it?

It's going to be a decade.

Did he make it out of there?

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Yeah, he's a freak bull.

Yeah, 10 years.

He's a freak bull.

10 years.

Not even like a shitty hostel either.

You're in Vietnamese.

I could be wrong.

He might be the one.

One of the bros was getting interviewed because

they always do,

the Vietnamese, the North Vietnamese would film the prisoners to be like, tell them we're treating you good.

That's sad.

And the one guy did fucking Morse code with his eyes to be like, they're torturing us.

It's pretty sad.

Oh, dang.

Yeah.

And they didn't even notice he was doing it.

No.

Shit.

What a genius, too.

Yeah, it's crazy.

Yeah.

Like, fuck up.

I fucked up.

It'd be funny if you just did like, I'm doing doing nothing but a lot of gay stuff here.

You're like, ah, I fucked up.

I got that thing way wrong.

He's doing a lot of gay stuff?

Yeah, that would suck.

Especially if you're there for 10 years.

Like,

I mean, you know, you're like, unless you're doing like a legendary SR, you're going to at one point break and start, you're like cranking them out in like an underground Vietnamese bunker.

Yeah, you're cranking them out.

Cranking them out would be crazy.

Getting caught, too.

Oh, legit.

Don't come in here.

Are you guys guys going to rip my fucking fingernails off again?

I'm trying to jack off.

You're looking underground.

I told you everything.

I was here day one.

I don't know what's happening.

I got no more information.

I have no idea what year it is.

I got nothing to tell you.

Dang, dude.

He's probably moved back to like some Midwest town and just settled back down and chilled.

Yeah, probably kept that one to himself for a while.

Yeah, true.

Yo, were you in Vietnam?

No.

Yeah, or he'd just be like, not really, sort of.

Kind of, yeah.

Dang.

That fucking stinks.

It is sick.

Surviving a plane crash is like,

I always hope.

I'm like, there's got to be a way.

Yeah, he got shot down.

I think he ejected over water, landed in water.

A bunch of guys on a fishing boat came out with guns.

Damn, fuck.

That stinks.

Fuck.

That fucking stinks.

It would be cool, though, once another guy shows up.

You're like, thank God.

Yeah.

Having.

You mean another guy that got captured?

Yeah, he's the first guy.

He was probably by himself for a minute.

Yeah.

Just sitting there like, this is so boring.

Yeah.

Another guy shows up.

You're like, yo, let me go.

It's not that bad.

Hey, my name is Joe Manitoba from New Jersey.

Hey, I'm Joe Tobin.

Joe Tobin.

From Newark.

Joe Tobin from Newark.

That's crazy.

Dude, New York.

Newark is crazy.

Yeah, it's a tough one.

When you were in Newark,

I had almost ran out of gas.

Lemire, were you with me that one time in the car?

I think it might have been Gardini.

We got stuck in Newark, and I almost ran out of gas.

And I was like, there's got to be a gas station.

My GPS took me to a fake one, and I ended up

deep in a refinery that I couldn't get out of.

It was, oh, it was terrible.

Like, you can't find people in those places.

It was just industrial.

Terrible.

I was so scared.

You were spooked.

Yeah, because I was like, if I get...

Refineries are scary.

Yeah, and I was like, I'm going to have to walk.

I'm going to have to get buzzed into a barbed wired fence and explain to all the dudes at the refinery.

I ran out of gas like a housewife.

Just be like, guys.

You know what happens next, dude.

You get in the oil rig.

You're getting deep drilled.

They would give me something big and thick, dude.

Deep horizon.

Yeah, that's.

But yeah, the Vietnam thing, I don't know.

America loves hating itself.

Yeah.

Every one of these docs.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

We should definitely be like, what the fuck was Vietnam?

We should have never been there.

That sucked.

Yeah, for sure.

But, you know, let's not act like we were just over there

fucking up the nicest guys on earth.

Yeah.

They were pretty bad.

Yeah, when you put the magnifying glass on anyone, you're like, oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

Turns out these guys are up to bad stuff, too.

And you never know.

Here's the thing: you never know.

It's like, say America didn't totally rise to power.

If you give, if I, like, think of any other country right now, if they rose to the level of American power, like,

how bad is that?

Because the Soviets won the Cold War?

Yeah, dude.

Soviets.

That's China.

China fucking rose to absolute power.

You think for a second?

He would love it.

He wants it.

He begs for it.

Do you know any of those intellectual socialist type guys?

No.

They love China.

They're like, China's going to beat our ass, dude.

China's so fucking.

Ew, they're just like subbed out.

They're like, they subbed out.

They sub out so hard for China.

That's so weird.

Me and Nate were talking about, because we were arguing about the, not arguing again,

having a nice racial discussion about the algorithm but it's like dude if if something happens like India Pakistan let's say somehow that pops off and the world goes to war yeah Americans we we've you know how like we've spent the last

definitely the last like 15 years really trying to suppress like the racism and hatred in this country obviously fueling it but yeah intro like making a real concerted effort from it dude the second we flip that switch to World War three it's gonna be like like,

let it fly, dude.

Let the hatred.

Oh, yeah.

Now we have a combined, we have a fucking enemy.

Yeah.

Go nuts, dude.

Dr.

Seuss is going to be drawing up some racial cartoons for us.

Like, dude, America can flip that switch.

I don't think people know how fucking rotten America can be.

Yeah, because then the floodgates will break and there'll just be like racist caricatures of like black people for no reason.

Hey, what the hell?

Hey, hold on a second.

I just got to shut the fuck up.

It's World War III, dude.

We don't have time for this fucking bullshit.

Yeah, that's going to be...

If we get like a, because the last time we got like a national hate vibe going was 9-11.

9-11.

Yeah, it was on.

Now, and that was not even on.

Yeah.

Think if it was really on.

Like, think if it was an actual enemy.

Oh, yeah.

Like an exit real threat.

Yeah, but aren't.

Wait, who's part of the bricks?

Who's part of the Bricks thing?

Because is India part of the Bricks?

No, they're with us.

Who's the I?

They are Bricks.

Maybe they are Bricks, but they're our bros.

Yeah,

bro is India.

Okay, because I know the Bricks.

Brazil, Russia.

Are you sure it's not Iran?

It's in India.

It's Iran, you're right.

Oh, it is in India.

India is our Brits.

The fuck is X?

Indonesia.

Dude, I think China stands with India right now.

Do they?

Yeah.

We would too.

Yeah.

I think India is our bros.

Yeah.

Pakistan's going full fucking Muslim crazy on them.

They're going to Muslim crazy.

I mean, how does Pakistan even figure they can attack India?

That's not even close.

India is going to destroy them.

You got to give Muslim countries credit.

They punch above their weight class.

Every day they go, what the fuck is you?

What are you looking at, motherfucker?

Palestine went dumb on them, dude.

Palestine.

They really are crazy.

I was like, what the fuck are you going to do, dude?

Yeah, dude.

They for real went nuts on the Fortnite attack.

They hit the Fortnite.

They said, what are you going to do about it?

Yeah, and Israel's like, we're going to redo the maps here.

We're redoing the game.

We're just deleting the game.

The Fortnite's done.

You are right.

Yeah, Pakistan.

Who is gassing Pakistan?

I was like, no, no, no, dude, dude, dude.

You fucking gassed.

That's because they said I was dying about Pakistan.

Pakistan's day one.

You taught that.

And they got nukes.

They both have nukes.

So both of them are going, dude, we can do it right now.

I don't know why.

I feel like Pakistan gets their nukes from where the coyote gets them from.

For sure.

I feel like it's acmes.

They have acmes.

They have acme nukes.

The North Korean rockets.

That was the best.

Kim Jong will go up there and be like, everyone, check this shit out.

It just explodes.

The North Korean World Fair has got to be awesome.

They just show like food.

They're like, yo, we got some fucking food's coming.

We got some food.

2040, the land of the future.

This is going to be fucking groom.

Would you ever hear the dudes who escape and go to South Korea and are just like, like, literally Blade Runner?

They're just living in the future.

It's like the village.

You leave, you go, there's trucks.

Living in the future, just being like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

I just read a nice book this weekend on the plane.

I found it in a bookstore.

It was just like a lady who,

I guess, like in the 70s, something fucked up happened in Korea, in South Korea, where a guy just declared himself lifelong president.

He just smashed it, Korea.

I think it was South, or maybe it was like right before the war that divided South and North Korea.

Was that in the 70s, I think?

No, that was 50s.

The Korean War, yeah.

So, the Korean War split it in half.

And I think in like the next 20 years, there was a little bit of obviously some tumult.

Yeah.

And

this guy was just like, I'm the president forever.

And it just set off this like horrible wave of violence and poverty.

And then the lady got adopted to an American family and and just like got out of there.

And

the Korean government allowed parents to just be like, yo, if your kids like too much, just we're shipping a bunch of kids to America.

So I think that was like a huge wave.

Yeah, they were just like, and you would just, they would declare you as an orphan.

Your parents would be like, good Korean adopted kids, they rock.

Yep.

And no, there was nothing like you, your paperwork, you would hit America and like you would have blank birth certificate.

You had no, you couldn't find your parents ever.

And this lady just wrote like a, it was like a book of like kind of like poetry and essays just about like

getting beached beached in America.

It wasn't even really about that.

She was just writing about like the Big Bang.

It's pretty sick, actually.

She was just writing about the Big Bang.

She was writing about the Big Bang.

Was that her fucking dad's name?

That's Big Bang.

That's Little Bang.

Dude, dumb racist jokes.

It's a good dad racist joke.

Big Bang is so funny.

We're firing today, dude.

This guy feels like a Patriot.

The temperature is cooking on this.

Yeah, I'm eating up a little.

Feels like a Patriot.

Big Bang was too good to pull back on.

Pull up.

Pull up.

Terrain.

Terrain.

Straight for the mountains.

Hot, diggity darn.

No, guys are gonna have to have fun, dude.

Dude, you know, I actually, I, dude, I did the mothership last night, had a good time, but afterwards, I got off and just smoked like a giant joint in the green room and then went home, like, I'll pass out.

Fucking no dice at all.

I'm wide awake.

I was just laying there.

I had, dude, I don't know.

I had this idea where, like, I want to come up with a company or some sort of technology that, like, you, you, you could send your dad a painting, and the painting

already.

It comes wrapped in.

I would love to send my dad painting.

Get this.

So it comes, like, wrapped in cellophane because what happens is it has some sort of like technology when, like, when, like, like the moisture in the air hits it, it slowly transforms the photo.

So, your dad hangs it on the wall.

Yeah.

He's so pumped on it, and like, slowly, little bit, it'll be like a general, like, standing, like, a battle scene.

And then, like, the general day after day slowly transforms into a giant, throbbing, veiny dick that's just like

just laying waste.

Or instead of a battle scene, it turns into just like guys having sex and your dad just walks into his house one day.

He's like, what the damn it?

Yeah.

The technology's got to exist.

That reminds me to send a picture.

I haven't sent a picture of a hot guy's ass to my dad in a while.

If you just Google Guy's Naked Ass.

I remember this.

Send it right to your dad.

He's going to love it.

And you can put the invisible ink on it now.

Oh, exactly.

Yeah, they get very short.

And it's just slowly checked day by day.

They don't even notice it until one day they're like, what the fuck?

Yeah, or you could get like a almost like, you know, how when you're looking at porn, there's like those Simpson

family guy.

You could do one of those with Nancy Pelosi, fucking Donald Trump in the ass.

Oh, dude, that would be.

It'd explode.

That'd be India versus Pakistan, dude.

They would spazz.

They would spazz.

I will die for Pakistan.

Especially if your dad's like a mechanic.

He's got like hanging up on his wall, and he's like, you know, the calipers.

And the guy's like, what the fuck is that?

God damn it.

Some fucking punk must have done that god damn it

fucking asshole punk yeah that's a great idea wouldn't that be fun well i mean that's aura frames aura you could yeah if you stack the duck

you can toss one in yeah you could do that would be digitally it would be the easiest like day by day like pixel by pixel it transforms that way you're like no it's just like a cool photo electronic photo it was great Or it's just that would be nice if you could do this easily where it's like a nice picture of you and your dad.

And then you do an AI AI slow-mo transfer where it's just you guys making out.

Dude, my dad would like.

Yeah, my dad would do it.

He might fall.

My dad might fall over.

Yeah, that'd be bad.

If he was just one of those like gifts.

I'm a Tony Soprano looking at the Uncle Ben's.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

That was keeping me up last night.

I'm like, that would be so funny.

And then I came up with an idea for immigration we could do where you could sponsor.

So, because it was like adults,

it's hard for adults to get in this country, but I was thinking about that lady getting adopted and like, that's the move.

Like, babies have the ultimate rights.

Like, babies, boom, instant citizenship if you can adopt.

So, what I want to do is set up an adoption program where you adopt like a child from like El Salvador, but then the deal is the child's whole family comes.

Like, whole extent, like mom, dad, uncles, aunts, all the kids come.

So, as part of the deal is you can adopt the kid, but you can sponsor a whole El Salvadorian family, but you have to have the means.

But then it becomes like a vassal thing where they become your vassals.

Cool, but hold on.

Hear the whole idea out.

So they come, you set them up.

They have citizenship.

They have total citizenship.

It's more of like a dentured servitude.

They have citizenship.

They can rock.

They can do their thing.

They're free citizens, but you tax them.

He has to be the producer on this podcast.

They have to sell merch after shows.

But no, you get to tax them.

So you grant citizenship, you pay what it is.

you grant, you now, you have like, imagine that, dude, you have like a casita and you have your vassals.

They're free to work, do their thing.

They can build their own empire.

And what the ultimate showdown is the adopted kid, as soon as he turns 18, if he outperforms your own bio kid, the whole empire goes to the El Salvadorian kingdom and your kid has to fight back then.

He becomes that vassal for the El Salvadorian family.

If he outproduces their offspring, it goes back and forth.

It's like a kind of like a kingdom.

Kind of tight.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know what to tell you.

There's a lot of holes.

I don't know where to start with this one.

This is why I couldn't sleep last night.

I know it sounds rough.

Slavery for a generation, and then you switch.

Not slavery.

Dude, they're free market players.

They're just getting taxed.

They're your subjects.

They're getting taxed.

But they are free market players.

It's feudalism.

It's feudalism.

Yeah.

Like

modern feudalism, but with the opportunity, they would light a fire under your kid's ass.

You'd be like, bro.

I don't know.

I feel like every kid would get crazy.

Every feudal kid would be like, yeah.

They couldn't sell the marriage.

Yeah, but they couldn't.

If they did that, Papa, they're not selling the marriage.

They gave me nothing to talk about on my podcast, Papa.

I don't know.

It was just an idea.

We don't have to do it.

No, we don't.

We shouldn't, but it's not a bad plan.

It's fair to be like, bro, I'm going to flip the bill.

You guys are total citizens, but I'm going to tax you.

You have to pay tax on tax, my tax, for one generation.

I'm going to tax you.

It's like a pyramid scheme with immigration.

Yeah.

Wouldn't be bad.

That's how the pyramids were built.

True, true.

True.

Literally, you're reverting back to ancient ideas.

I own this family.

Yeah, you wouldn't own them.

You would be sponsoring them and taxing them.

Fairly.

I'm sure what the guy said back then.

No, hold on.

That's not, you're making it sound worse than it is.

True.

They live in a house I built.

You'd be excited for the wedding.

You're like, oh, wedding, huh?

Let me go by and see what's going on here as Lord.

Technically,

it's Optimum Noxus.

How was Optimum Noxus last night?

Sick.

It was a good one.

Do you went and did it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They did it after some motherfucking ship.

The crowd was, they were happy, dude.

They were excited to be there.

It was a good one.

It was a good one.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was happy with that.

We had no Gardini.

We were missing Gardini.

Oh, yeah,

we had Andy be Fat Gardini.

We just brought him up as Gardini.

We were like, Gardini's, he's sad right now.

He had a rough whole month.

Put on some pounds.

We're going to bring him.

He was probably back there being like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

We didn't tell him.

We were going back there.

Like, fuck you two.

You fucking.

Just walked off.

Yeah, we didn't tell him before we did it.

We were just like, just stay here.

We'll bring you up as a special guest.

I told him.

Oh, you told him?

I told him yesterday.

Oh, okay.

That That you're going to bring him his fat Gardini.

How did he do his fat Gardini?

He did great.

Did he do a Gardini imitation?

He's a Gardini

impression, is also what I probably should have said.

He just said, I'm Gardini.

He's like, I'm Sean Gardini.

And it worked.

Oh, so no.

Short answer.

Yeah, I short-circuited.

I had a line last night.

I forget what it was, but I like just botched it, retried it, re-botched it, and then finally just waved the white flag and was like, guys, we're skipping that one.

Yeah, yeah.

Completely.

Joke's done.

Yeah, joke's over, right?

It would have been good, but I ruined it.

But yeah,

I had an ambitious night stand-up-wise.

I got done and I just smoked a giant joint, and I was like, oh, I said I would do Optimum Noctis.

And I just ran over there.

It was like,

yeah, what's up, guys?

Yeah, it's always fun.

Yeah, it was.

I did that for a few years in new york yeah oh i have four more spots

oh i'm hammered

oh crap i didn't think about this

yeah it's it was fun i tried some dudes albany was nuts what was up with all i did albany and buffalo this weekend the crowds were oh yeah they were fucking crazy people yeah buffalo buffalo is always great i've never done albany they were i did the albany funny bone but okay this was they were they were going crazy Yeah, Buffalo is wild.

I don't know much about all of them.

At the end of my show, when I was like, thank you guys very much.

I saw a guy running down an aisle to the crowd, like,

let's go.

That's it.

They were going crazy.

Yeah, dude, that's that's Bill's mafia.

I found out they lost the River Rats, their AHL team.

No.

I was like, you guys need to bring back the River Rats, and the whole place was like, oh.

The fact that you know about Buffalo minor league hockey is truly impressive.

Well, then I hit them with they, I was like, I was a Hershey Bears fan.

They all started booing the Hershey Bears.

I was like, bro, 12 Calder Cups going for a 13th.

You guys don't even have a team right now.

We're literally in the playoffs right now.

I'm trying to fucking help you guys.

I'm trying to be nice to you guys, but don't compare the River Rats to the Hershey Bears ever.

You talking fucking Yankees expos, dude.

You don't even have a team.

The Bears.

I think I've seen

it.

I think I've seen the Hershey Bears play before.

I've been able to go to the Phantoms.

Yeah, you know what?

I own the Phantoms.

I could see him crushing the Phantoms.

The fights in minor league hockey are awesome.

Yeah, they were.

They fight non-stop.

Although the Bears Phantoms is just going on right now.

Really?

I got to check that.

Dang, I didn't know those Phantoms were just completely crushed by the Bears.

I mean, that is like our candidate.

Ooh, actually, it was 1-0 when I made that claim.

It's now 2-1.

Phantoms?

Yeah.

Let's go.

I've been following the Phantoms for

we've made a lot of changes in the Phantoms program.

They still haven't changed the logo.

They like that logo.

What do the Phantoms have?

Just like a weird.

Looks like the Phoenix Suns kind of dark color scheme, from what I remember.

It's like two different flyers symbols combined.

Yeah, it's like the Pizza Gates.

They like each other.

It's a Pizza Gate.

It is.

Pizza Gates, nothing.

Man, the Bears need to get a cup.

What's the cup called?

Is the Alder Cup?

The Calder.

The Calder Cup.

Dang, the Bears have how many Calder Cups?

13.

Damn, who has the most Calder Cups?

AI overview.

The Hershey Bears.

Yo.

13 Calder Cups.

Holy shit.

Dang.

It's a storied program.

Hershey P.A.

Come on, man.

That's awesome.

I didn't know that.

I think the Phantoms were late to the party, too.

Yeah, the Phantoms were late.

They split off.

The Hershey Bears have been playing since fucking the 20s.

That's cool.

What's going on over there?

Also,

a racist meme.

Let me hear about it.

Yeah, true.

Come on, guys.

Also, minor league, nobody hits their wife more than minor league sports players in the like back in the day.

That's a fair assessment.

I feel like they led, I feel like they really.

Minor league baseball.

Yeah, you're physically, you're like on the cusp of the major leagues.

You're fucking

a well-tuned athlete.

Oh, you sent it to me?

Fellas, you guys are

putting me in the jackpot.

Let me glance at it.

It's just.

It's a play on

protesting the Vietnam War.

Yeah.

It's people saying no Pakistani ever called my grandparents pretending to be Microsoft.

Do you think the

video of the

crash?

What?

I didn't know.

You should have told me you sent the pedal bulb crash.

Oh.

That's a good pedal pulp crutch.

Oh, no.

Oh!

Sucks to be on the left side.

Einstein Brothers bagels.

Oh, no.

It went on the one side, too.

Oh, we got a DUI.

Oh, no.

Damn.

Yeah, I'm telling you, man, I was on one once, and I'm like, these things got to get fucked up every now and again.

Because it's not, there's not like a,

it's just a guy like ripping and running.

It's like, you know, the dudes who have bicycles with like a card on the back?

It's like those guys getting their CDL.

I'm like, all right, I'm going to fucking.

Yeah.

I'm just going to step up, drive a bigger craft.

Some of those dudes on the fucking, those like little pedal bikes drive like fucking maniacs a couple times.

I'm like, bro, like swimming between cars and shit.

I'm like, dude, slow down.

I'm cool.

I don't need to be at this place that fast.

Actually, you drive me.

Yeah, I could have got on an Uber if I was trying.

Yeah.

This is a fun trip.

Yeah, bro.

Chill.

Chill the fuck.

I was one with my kids, and I was like, bro, I was like, no, no extra points for me from the speed.

Like, slow it down.

I appreciate you working on this this hard, but like, fucking relax.

Because they'll, like, tailgate, cut in.

You're like, yo, dude.

Yeah.

Don't need this.

And like, like, they'll drive.

Like, people will be there and they'll speed at them.

Like, they better move.

Yeah, terrible.

All right, well, we're in an hour.

Let's ditch over to the Patreon.

Let's do it.

Bye.

Oh, I got a P.