Ep 557 - Blob Farm (feat. Nate Marshall)

Wow, wow, wow, Wes.

The shoes are

my most comfortable pair of shoes.

These shoes are sick.

Hey, Lemise, prance around those underwater.

Show these people your under number skills.

He did get the best choice.

I've never seen you kick that high.

Little Jack Black actually.

Little Jack actually black.

I'll be honest, I would have been a million dollars you couldn't have done that many kicks in a row.

That was a lot.

Kung Fu is a kung fu panda.

Yeah, he is.

Jack Black.

I wish I wasn't so goddamn sleepy.

Yeah,

fucking workouts.

I was yesterday, man.

I woke up.

Oh, yesterday.

Yesterday I

played video games.

Yeah, I was a pathetic day.

Did that thing where I opened my eyes and tried to gauge the hangover before I woke up?

And I felt all right.

I was just hot.

I like woke up as a thousand degrees.

I thought it was 7 a.m.

I reached over to like...

I'm like, see what time it is.

I'll like see if Britney's in bed.

I'm like, all right, it's probably like 7.

Didn't feel her and I pat it and it was was just a pillow, and I'm like, there she is.

And I laid there, and I checked my phone like 10 minutes later.

It was fucking 10.30.

I was like, oh, damn.

Yeah, we were up late, though.

We were up super late.

We got home late, yeah.

We were up super late.

Yeah, I was dragging.

That's an early day.

10.30?

That was crazy.

That was decadent, dude.

Usually it's 6.37.

Oh, for me.

I try to get up before my kids.

It's 11.

It's 11 is like, I did it.

I got up at a decent hour.

Really?

Yeah.

I feel like the older I'm getting, I'm just waking up earlier.

Even if...

Even if you're out late?

Even if it's a late night, yeah.

You think it's about time?

Like you're like, I'm not sure exactly.

I'm not sure.

No, no.

It's not like it's a conscious decision.

It's just your body.

You just keep waking up early, yeah.

That's the opposite for me.

I'm waking up later.

Maybe I have to set up.

I have to set 11 a.m.

alarms

to be up.

Like, if not, I'll just sleep.

That's nice.

Fucking sleep.

That is nice.

No, I just get, my kids wake up at like 7 a.m.

So it's either I get up before them or I get woken up to just like a kid through a monitor.

Like, yeah.

and it's like, for real, the worst fucking day to wake up.

Because you have to get, you have to get out of bed and like

right away.

So if you get up before them, you like chill, relax,

drink my coffee, and then it's like, you'll hear them wake up.

You're like, sweet.

Is dad energy a thing?

Like you, like dad energy, like you hear it and you're like, all right, it kind of kicks you into gear or is it just.

Yeah, you pop.

Yeah, you pop up.

Because the only alternative is like, they're fine.

And then you wait and wait and wait.

And that could turn into just like

rest of your life, really, if you want to fucking take a dad.

Yeah, you can just leave.

You go, you know what?

They're fucking fine.

A lot of people don't have dads.

They'll be hard.

Funny thing, it'll help them.

Even the little turbo charge.

I made you stronger.

I've been looking at schools.

We finally found one.

Dude.

It's such a fucking insane process now to find like schools for kids.

Yeah.

We went, we like looked at it.

Oh, yeah, insane.

We looked at a bunch of schools, and then what a lot of them do, I noticed they like card out their eighth graders as like give you a look.

Say, this is what we do, these kids out, but then they come out and they're like fucking robots, dude.

These kids come out, and they're like, My passion is, and it's like,

who's back there hitting you with fucking bamboo sticks?

Yeah, they got a lot of

when I was in eighth grade.

If they pull me out in front of parents, like, what do you like about school?

I've been like, I don't know, no, zero eye contact, yeah.

Like, research, research, I don't know if I'm math socks.

These kids are coming out like they're running for fucking president they're like well i'm actually going to a very

like what the now this is speaking is not a dad at all but i kind of like that because that's what i felt like wasn't that always that kind of the thing is like america was falling off because we were our kids weren't as disciplined as other countries these kids are so smart they come out and they're like little mini adults they're like mature it's really weird i kind of would like to have had that for myself i feel like a dumbass a lot and to just not have that as part of my life would be beautiful.

Just to come out and be like, I'm very deeply, I'm actually working with my community right now.

I never really thought if you were dumb or not.

You don't seem very dumb.

I'm not completely dumb, but I'm not student energy for sure.

You said C Studio.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think the whole crew holds that down.

C D.

Yeah, true.

I was the smartest of my childhood crew.

Everybody got left back senior year except me.

All your boys got lost back.

All my boys were super seniors.

And I couldn't help it.

And I just was out.

I came back for prom too, though.

You came back for prom?

I came back for a second, prom.

I was like, I'm back.

Hell yeah.

That's swag.

Damn.

That is nice.

But yeah, they all.

The whole squad got held back, huh?

Whole squad.

Is this Redding Central Catholic, or where'd you go?

Redding Redding High School.

And it was, well,

that was pretty fucking standard at Redding High School.

That, or you just give up and just don't even graduate.

A lot of people get that senior left back and just go, ah.

I did my four years.

Yeah, true.

I'm done.

I don't give a fuck what they said.

I'm done.

Everybody dude.

I feel like the same grade again must be.

getting held back senior year is insane.

Crazy fuck.

Changes your whole life.

I mean, that's super senioritis.

Yeah.

Yeah, it does.

Although it would be senior year, if no one would know now, I would be a super senior.

Senior year is fucking insane.

I was just going to be racist.

I just want you guys to know.

Good on you.

I caught myself.

Good on you.

It's important.

You acknowledge it.

You go, it'd be funny to just say black people have senioritis.

I'm not going to do that.

Or just

pardon me.

Excuse me.

Just being racist.

They made that second year look like the most fun.

I for real felt.

I thought they were having fun.

They were having fun.

It's way better than fucking real life.

I went to community college after that.

I went to Ratinary Community College, and it was just boring.

You went to RAC?

I went to RAC.

I went to RAC, and they were just having fun.

I paid my dues at Hack.

At Hack?

I was a hack hawk.

Paid my dues.

I did my semester at Hack.

I'm still doing hack.

That was actually kind of where I'd turned my life around as a student.

Community college?

Yeah, after I had failed out at Elon.

Also, you'll feel like a superstar going to community college.

If you go to college, you go back.

Oh, shit.

Everybody here is dumb as fuck.

And then it was like, all right, it's time to stop getting

failing.

I was at Drexel and I was like, Workchester.

I got to get my grades up to get into West Chester.

True.

Dude, I was at Drexel, like, school's so dumb.

What's the point of this?

And

I was with like the labor union with my, like, working for my dad.

So I had to sign up to the labor's union to work for him.

So, like, the union didn't say anything.

And I was like, college is so pointless.

And I was like chilling with like laborers.

And I would talk to them.

And I'm like, I think college worked on me a little bit.

Yeah.

So they would read the paper and I'd be like, yeah, but like, who you got to think, like, who wrote that paper?

They all have an agenda.

And they was look at me and be like, dude, it's in the paper.

Like, all right, man.

This is before Donald Trump busted the fake news.

People would read the paper and be like, well, that's what happened.

Yeah.

That's that.

It's pretty crazy.

I worked in that factory.

I realized it was time.

Yeah, well, yeah, definitely.

College helps.

There was a bunch of guys that were illiterate.

Yeah.

They're like fully illiterate.

They'd be like, I can't read that.

What's up?

It turns out grade school kind of helped me a little bit.

Dude, dude, some of the schools, though, are still fucking wild now.

We went to this one school.

I really wanted my daughter to go there.

And, dude, we had a meeting, like a parent interview or whatever.

And they were like, well, we do a reenactment in the, I think, third or fourth grade where we reenact the taking of the land from Mexico, and we use the third graders to reenact this.

And it was just like,

and I'm sitting there the whole time.

I told Brittany to go into it.

I'm like, they're going to probably say a bunch of dumb bullshit.

Just go along with it.

I just like this.

Thank God we didn't get in.

But we were in the thing.

It was like, the lady was talking about people of color.

And Brittany's like, I didn't see any.

And she's like, she mentioned Asians.

And Brittany goes, son of people of color.

Like, held her leg under the table and shook off.

Oh, yes, dude.

It's so nice.

It was kind of a beast.

It was beast.

So nice.

It was beast.

The lady claimed it too.

Black wife card is so funny.

It was so funny.

Dude, I was dying.

And the lady tried to claim it herself, bro.

I mean,

same as me, bro.

And I'm like sitting there like, my God.

It's crazy they're going to do the reenactment of America taking Mexico.

Yeah, dude.

With fucking fourth graders, dude.

Yeah.

That's fucking nuts.

It's also like, if you're going to read it, like, why that one?

Why not, like,

that's kind of weird.

Aren't they celebrating it?

Because then I could see, yeah, fuck yeah, the Alamo ruled, dude.

What a bunch of fucking pussies.

Well, then it's like, why not go even further back in time?

Why stop there?

Yeah, let's see how Mexico got that land.

Yeah, how did they?

How did they?

Spanish came and cut everyone's fucking heads off.

But

that's because they were cutting everybody's heads off already.

Yeah, they weren't.

It was distasteful.

It's like, don't do that with fucking.

Yeah, Mexico, they were not very chill.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it was just a little bit of a bad thing.

You should do a play of the Comanche.

The what?

You should do a play where the kids are the Comanche.

True.

And they abduct white settlers and gang rape them and disembowel them in front of their families.

Any pretty cool fake scalps?

Yeah.

That'd be nice.

Pulling up fake little kids.

They like real Hollywood blood packets.

That might be it.

Yeah.

I can see that stepping up like kids' productions.

We're doing Reservoir Dogs.

Yeah, we dodged a bullet.

I was happy that Brittany was yapping because that was looking back on it, I was like, that was such a sick move.

Did y'all ever do any of those things when you were kids?

Like kids' plays?

Nah, I held it down.

I was like, plays.

It was part of the tableau in the Christmas play.

What's the tableau?

Tableau was for all the kids who sucked that weren't part of the real play that just went up and did a nativity scene.

Oh, that's sick.

My job was to hold a banner behind them and go.

I just shook a banner to

do.

I went to campus school for a little bit, and I had, we did sister act.

You guys did sister act?

And I had to do the rapping part.

He came in like joyful, joyful.

Oh, man.

I still kind of remember it, but let me hear it.

I was ripping a, it's a joyful, joyful, Lord.

I adore thee.

And in my life, I put up before the.

And I don't remember.

Oh, that's pretty good.

That's kind of kind of a way.

Yeah.

I kind of have felt good doing it.

Do you ever think about being a rapper?

Obviously.

Yeah.

obviously obviously

i had a feeling it's such a young age you never thought you ever think about it uh not one i thought about it earlier today

i was like what if i could spit

true it's like you never know it's like what if i never know i've never even tried like what if it's like maybe i could spit

in high school we'd all get high and people would freestyle and stuff it was sick it's the best yeah it's pretty fun actually

it is i knew i i knew it didn't happen in me.

Yeah, my one friend would, my one friend would just do MM.

He'd be like, That's an Eminem song.

He'd be like, No, it is.

It's a free sound.

It's just M.

I just came over that right now.

Two Trailer Park girls go round me outside.

I don't know.

Is that a song?

I didn't know that.

That's crazy.

My boy did.

He had it.

He played a smart guy.

You guys must have all been rapping the whole time.

Always.

But my one boy, and I

guys who got held back, and so do you.

I got a feeling they thought they had rap careers lined lined up.

My hobby Dante did.

He used to, there was this rapper, Joey Jihad, a Philly dude.

He was like underground.

He was big.

He was about to actually blow in like 50 was about to sign him.

And then somebody just sucker punched him on the street.

There's like a video of him just getting knocked out just in the middle of the street, ruined his whole field.

Really?

Yeah.

Joey Jihad was nice too, but not a lot of people knew him.

And we were in Rhetton, so, but he knew him.

So he would just battle rap people for money, but he would just use Joey Jihad raps for like a good year.

It was

a nice little dude.

I remember, I'll never forget.

I was, I remember remember i was with this one dude i was like just going to my house to like sell weed or whatever it was a black guy and my neighbors in west philly i actually like knew them i like worked with the one guy and they were out in their car blasting like someone they knew was like their family members demo tape they're like come listen to this like the black guy i was with and he leaned in the car and he was like yeah that shit's fucking trash and then just walked into my house and i was like what the fuck i didn't know you could do that yeah he's like yo that shit's fucking trash and then just came in i was like dude it's my fucking neighbors man why are you doing that it's the funniest thing And he just didn't even, like, we came in.

I would have, like, if I had done that to someone, I'm like, did you see me do that?

He just was like, anyway, so what are we, what is going on here?

And I'm just like, did you just fucking do that to my neighbors?

Yo, that's just fucking trash.

It was such a beast mood.

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Did you ever get to do that to somebody with a demo tape?

You go, shit's trash.

No, I never.

I never had the heart.

I always feel bad.

Somebody's trying their best.

Yeah, somebody's doing them.

Even when they're not trying their best, like that thing, but he's doing Times Square, just handing you CDs.

I used to hate that shit, but it would be like, I can't be, I can't be rude to you.

Yeah,

I would take the CDs.

Yeah, I would take them, throw them away.

Yeah,

pay like two bucks for it.

And you're like, I'm pissed I did that.

Yeah, that's when they get you.

You go, oh, thanks.

They give it to you, and you're like, thanks.

You're like, you're not going to give me any money.

It's like, I didn't ask for this.

I didn't want this.

I'm helping you.

You ever see this?

I could get this to the right people.

You ever see the video of 50?

He's like just walking with some lady and some dude just like starts harassing him.

Just like listen to my Instagram.

He's just like, you're never going to make it.

That's like what he says to him.

He was like, if this is how you're going about it, you're done.

Oh, man.

50's beefing with like Big Meets right now, isn't he?

Or Larry Hooper?

He always beefing.

Someone just like

one of those guys got out of jail and he's like calling the dude a rat.

He's like, he's a fucking rat.

He's like beefing with, I can't think of the network it's like i want to say showtime or something but it's he's like suing somebody over a documentary yeah he's just like i want my money by monday he's probably my favorite instagram yeah he's the man

you turn on yay did i turn on no i mean yeah i mean i've been kind of like i don't know man it's hard to say anything about yay because i love him so much but he's gone so crazy

But then you see, like, I was watching an academic interview, just like at the beginning of it, he seemed locked into, he's like, all right, we're going to do this.

It's going to look like this.

And he got even more locked in.

And then, again, he put the outfit on and was like, just fucking went.

The outfit's so funny.

At least he's not really doing anything bad.

He's just saying crazy shit.

Yeah.

Has he done anything bad other than?

I mean, he's like,

no, I don't think so right now, but he's also come out and he's like, I've beat women before.

I've done this.

The one, the beast thing that I will give him, I suck my cousin's dick, obviously.

I suck my cousin's wiener.

But the one thing that I will give him is when

Iggy Azalea came out being like, Kanye used to tell me, he would take me aside and tell me he jerks off my pictures, and he retweeted it and just said, true.

Like, all right, that's kind of sick.

Yeah.

I wonder if it'll like, I feel like he's got another era of like a different thing in him.

I think he's going to drop this stuff.

I kind of think so.

I don't think this is going to be the last thing.

We're definitely not going to.

There's no way he's going away.

He's he's just never going away.

We're going to be, I don't think he's going to slow down on the tweets.

We're going to get these daily updates every day for the next 30 years.

You think it's going to get darker than I sucked my cousin when I was?

I don't think it can.

That's as dark as it is.

I don't think it can.

Yeah, that's as low as it goes.

I wonder, I was like, is this some, I've said this before, is this like, is he on just another level of like performance art where it's like he's expanding just the boundaries of all this weird stuff of like KKK

sucking your cousin's dick?

Gay incessants, he hit a

little black lotus.

He did it.

He hit the true black lotus.

You think he was just loved so much?

He was like, he just wants to feel hated?

Well, no, after the Taylor, I guess, Taylor Swift stuff, he was hated a little bit.

Yeah, he's been in hot field for a while.

Yeah.

Dude, I don't know.

I can't even wrap my head around

why you would do that or what.

But again, work could just be his fucking nuts, man.

Yeah, yeah, he could be having a

mental break.

Dude, if I was or he could just be the man, who knows?

We'll never know.

Time will tell, dude.

You got to talk to him.

You got to give him a hundred years, see what's up.

He could go into like a Luke Skywalker phase.

If he goes on a Misty Mountain and goes dark for a while,

I mean, it's kind of what he should have done like five years ago.

You know,

he should just go Misty Mountain, but just tweet every day about how he's on the Misty Mountain.

He never, when he tweeted that he wasn't a Nazi no more, that did that lasted for a day, right?

Well, then he was like, nah, I'm back.

Oh, did he do that?

But then he just went back.

Yeah,

it is interesting.

Like, what the fuck?

Jonah Hill was just like, the fuck, bro.

We talked about this.

Yeah, I mean,

I don't want to coulda, woulda, shoulda, but he could have just fell back and just been the greatest producer.

Loved around the world.

Yeah.

But he's a billionaire.

Is he a billionaire?

That's the one thing I can't wrap my head around.

I'm like, you're a billionaire?

They said he was, then he somehow lost.

Yeah, but then he said he is again now.

He's like, I'm back.

He's like, I'm a billionaire again.

Kind of awesome.

So he's a billionaire.

Wow.

Sick.

Shit, he's crazy.

I've seen Zuckerberg.

Kanye seems normal for a billionaire.

God damn, what was that?

Why is he dressing like that?

You know, I like the outfit.

Clean white T, gold chain.

If you're a billionaire, you shouldn't be wearing a gold chain.

Yeah.

But it wasn't a gaudy gold chain.

It was little.

He used to be such a humble artist.

He's doing jiu-jitsu and shit now.

I'm telling you,

I think that's like brand.

You get guys to manage your brand for you.

Yeah.

So that's like a full stylist, PR, brand management, like your total self-reinvention.

He wants to let Kanye be his stylist.

He should have.

He should have worn the the fucking black KKK uniform.

That would have been awesome.

Yeah, I mean,

it does suck to have.

Zuckerberg's got to be, what, like a couple hundred billion or $100 billion, maybe?

Yeah.

$185 billion.

$85 billion.

Have $185 billion and then being like, I have to be able to figure out cool.

There's got to be an algorithm.

It's got to be.

It's an algo, bro.

It's a cool algorithm.

It's an algo.

And he's kind of hitting the, he is, he's already.

He'll dress like a black guy.

It's like, bro, I figured that out in seventh grade.

Yeah, I figured that out in seventh grade.

And then in eighth grade, you go, it's not cool when I do it.

True.

Yeah, you kind of do figure out.

An older brother goes, you look like a fucking idiot.

Yeah.

All right.

Me, me and my cousin and my bro, Phil, would just get crushed.

We go show up at family parties, and everyone would be like, what the fuck?

My cousin Pat had a Wu-Tang charm.

So tight.

So icy.

I just had the Jesus piece.

Do you have a Jesus piece in seventh grade?

It was small.

Or maybe I just did a,

did I have the J?

We all had charms at one point.

I'm pretty sure.

Charms?

That was a big one.

You would go to, yeah, you would go to fucking Sterling Silver or wherever in the mall, and we would cop our silver chain.

I was three small loops, one long loop.

My cousin was Cuban Lynx.

Cuban Lynxes.

Cuban Lynxes.

Cuban Lynx with the Wu-Tang charm was nasty.

I got to remember what my charm was.

I'm pretty sure it's just a cross if I know myself.

Damn.

Had the JP and my bro go.

I got like SpongeBob holding a pistol.

I should have.

I had a

gay one.

I'm just remembering it now.

It was a little dragon.

A little dragon.

Cisco?

Like 6 grand.

You remember it was Cisco?

I didn't know it was Cisco.

I just thought it was a cool little dragon.

And then I got to a school and they were like, you got the Cisco.

Cisco chain.

And I couldn't stop wearing it.

Damn, the Cisco chain sucks.

And that was Thong Song.

That was like right.

That was, yeah.

You entered the dragon.

You drew hill.

That blows.

I forgot.

I forgot.

I never got a chain.

Never had the chain?

I couldn't.

I never did it.

Oh, dude, I was.

My friend got caught stealing one from the mall.

It was the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen.

He switched his, took a bigger one.

It was like, it was in like seventh grade.

There was those silver chains that were like $132.

Might as well have been a six-inch ruby.

Yeah, that's crazy.

I was like, dude, you're fucking going for it.

And he put it on, walked out.

As soon as we stepped out, a guy came out and went on his shoulder.

Me and my cousin were just like, later.

I would have cried immediately.

Oh, dude, he was.

He had to sit in the mall security booth until his dad came into the mall to win.

Did he have to do sexual favors to get out?

He probably.

Did you ever see that porn?

I've seen that.

I would have done anything to get out.

I would have done anything to get out.

I would have been full casting couch.

I would have cast it out.

I would have got onto the mall security.

I would have been in dog.

I would have initiated it.

Yeah, Yeah, I would have got on the table and

skid it over with, dude.

True, I would have put

a little power bottom.

Getting caught stealing at the mall would have been the apocalypse.

Yeah.

I would have got in so much fucking trouble.

Lemise, you never had a chain.

No, I never really had chains.

Damn, you could have.

Guard dog, you get that like Italian horn or whatever that thing is?

No, I was a crucifix guy for a little while, but as a youth, I was like a shark tooth puka shell kid.

Whoa.

I had puka shells as well.

I had a shark tooth, too.

I had an alligator.

You had an alligator tooth?

Man, maybe Lemaire was right.

Maybe you are an outdoor white.

You were in a tough area for white kids to act black, like North Jersey.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

That feels good.

You can be like sopranos.

I managed to do it, but I was like, I went more rosta when I was coming into my former former years.

I can see you hitting a rosta face.

I had the puka shells at the beach.

I'd hit the boardwalk, try to get numbers.

So sick, though.

Puka shells, sunburnt beyond recognition.

Yeah, the puka shells were sick.

I never got the pukas.

I was jealous.

I never got the pukas, but I was dark.

I was purple.

I was sick every night.

Every night at the beach, I was so sunburnt.

Yeah,

we would try to go get numbers from the babes at the beach.

That would fall apart, and then we would just do horrendous, horrible pranks.

The poop dollar was the worst.

Poop dollar was diabolical.

I will say, sticking the dollar up between the boardwalk cracks, people to grab it and pulling it down, nothing better.

Yeah, that's great.

So funny.

Wait, it'd be a poop dollar?

No, you leave the poop dollar.

You want them to pick that up and they go, sweet.

And they go,

that's fun.

But

you can also put a dollar between the cracks of the boardwalk, technically the promenade, I guess.

You can stick it through, and people were like, fuck in.

They put their foot down on it, and then they lift it up and it's gone.

It's so funny.

There's a bunch of 12-year-olds laughing at you.

But

you have to take turns because you want to watch.

Because Boardwalk I, you couldn't see underneath.

So you get to watch your boy do it.

It was the funniest shit.

So funny.

Yeah, that's nice.

My favorite memories of the beach was just once we started drinking.

Yeah.

Just getting some fucking bum to buy you and your boys 30 case of fucking natty light.

It's the best.

It was the best.

It was the best nights of my life.

Yeah, dude, for real.

I literally, I'll second that.

That's like my

that's why I love the the beach so much.

Yeah, my aunts and uncles would just go get after it all day.

They'd be done by nine o'clock.

They were just

destroyed.

They'd be in a room and we would have a cooler that had beer sitting in it from noon at like 8 p.m.

And we would just devastate the, and they'd all wake up and be like,

were you guys drinking beer last night?

You guys were you fucking.

They would try to do like the math and they was like, there's no way.

The one time we got caught because we were like hiding the beer cans under our bed for some reason.

And they, uh, my aunt just like set them out and just wrote a note that said who drank me.

We just saw them.

My sister did not take the flow from me and my bro one time.

What I tried, me and my bro drank like a lot of beers.

Yeah.

And then my parents were like, what the fuck is this?

And we were like, yeah, Sarah came down here and got fucking shit faced.

It's like, yeah, Sarah just sat here and drank like 25 beers.

My mom was like, what the fuck, Sarah?

She was like, it was them.

What you telling me?

He's running, scream, cry, run away.

Yeah, I used to get so fucked up at the beach.

It was so fun.

That was like, honestly, one of my fondest memories of like when you're drinking beer and you're like, you're, you've been inside the house and you step out and it's like you smell that salt air and you're like kind of hammered.

You get me going.

Bro, it was the best.

Still is.

Yeah, true.

Nothing beats it.

But as, dude, as like a fucking 14, 15 year old, it is truly

getting drunk was no hangover.

So sick.

Zero hangover.

And you just go out and it'd be two in the morning.

The bars were let out, and we would just walk past like drunk adults and be like, pussy.

Fuck you.

Now that's the worst thing that could happen to you walking out of a bar.

Just kids going, pussy.

You're like, God, I can't do nothing.

I just, I was like blazing weed out of a corncob pipe, just be like, fucking bitch.

Did you guys get any nice Redding beach trips?

No.

No.

You guys were talking about getting.

The Redding squad never got to the beach.

We just would drink hurricanes at the park at 3 a.m.

It was.

That's probably fine.

the best.

Yeah, I had a hurricane phase, dude.

Three for five hurricanes was an unbeatable deal.

Could beat it.

I would go, I would, I had a guitar case I would keep outside.

I'd walk from the bar back to my dorms.

They would just sell in West Philly, they would sell hurricanes to anybody.

I mean, whatever else, probably too.

And then, like, I would come back, load up a guitar case with as many hurricanes as I could fit, and just walk into my dorm.

Like,

so tight.

I could never drink the third hurricane.

I had people, I knew people I could drink all three, and I was like, dude, I got two, and I got that half of that third one done.

I was just like, I'm at capacity.

We were kind of doing

shit.

It was just, everybody had one.

Everybody had one.

One in a blunt.

Not bad.

Four locals were a bad time.

Four locals.

I kind of missed four locals.

I didn't really get hit by the four locals.

I got hit.

Yeah.

Yeah,

that was a bad time for the bros.

I got six.

The four local run was crazy.

I had sparks.

Sparks were sick.

Yeah.

Sparks were nice, but I never got the four locos.

I had Nelly.

Was it juice?

Nelly threw his hat.

Yeah, Nelly threw his hat in the ring of energy drink

alcohol, and I think it was J-O-O-S-E.

Drank some juice one night, blacked out.

I was down in like North Carolina somewhere, completely blacked out.

It was bad.

I have a...

I hope this isn't a...

What does it give you?

I just have a four local memory.

Like, it's not even a memory.

I blacked out, but it was on my phone.

My girl was staying with me.

My parents were away.

And I went out and drinked with my boys and had four locals and came home, I guess, trying to get some pussy, but also trying to film it.

And I just have a, I just had it.

She was telling me I was being annoyed, trying to fuck her last night.

And I had this, I just had a video

on my phone of me, of me being like, come on, let's film it.

She's like, no, we're not doing anything.

It's just the phone going down.

Like, all right.

That's your sex tape.

Bright light in her face.

And then just, oh, no.

She's just sleepy girlfriend going, no, we're not doing anything.

All right.

Fuck.

Dang, bro.

You were Unk before you even knew you were.

I really, I bet.

Shay's gone.

You might be the new Unk.

Oh, it would.

Yeah.

100 million is yours.

Dude, the root turned on Unk big time.

Yeah.

I wrote a vicious article about it, and it was like mean.

It was like, not even about his case.

They were like, let's all talk about what everyone's thinking.

He's just dumb.

It's like, damn, it was mean.

Like, he's like, let's all face it, he's just a fucking dumbass.

It was like, fuck.

You know, that wasn't a honky that wrote that one.

I don't think so.

Better not be.

It better not be, man.

I don't think the root would have allowed the honky to rip it like that.

No.

I mean,

it was funny.

They're like, yeah, dude, he's a fucking

honky.

Rip it.

I'm just going to say it.

This guy's dumb as hell.

Fucking tired of it.

Yeah,

they were just saying he should have signed NDAs.

like why does he not have control of his sex tape

they're bringing up fair points honestly they're like dude he just got busted for this what the but also he's probably got crazy sex a ton of them yeah there are dudes there's a strain of dude that has to film yeah every encounter i that was me when i was a kid i'm not gonna lie

yeah i was

which is kind of crazy when you think about it as an adult i got like a camera for my space days and uh

yeah i was a big i mean they always knew it was never like yeah

you're a.

Yeah, I've been fucking a devil, dude.

Yeah, I was a

me, you can get in there.

What happened to your leg, bud?

I think that was just a spazz.

What was wrong with his leg?

What was that?

Lemise, why were you lifting your leg like that?

Are my shoes untied?

Your shoes untied.

My shoes are tied, and I was going to tie it, but I just ran out of the way.

Yeah, of course.

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

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Hey, get in front of the camera.

You know the rules.

Yeah, again for getting in front of the camera.

Hey, everybody.

It's Lamir.

May 9th and May 10th.

I'm going to be at Coastal Creative in Florida.

You guys got to cover that, please.

And it also Optimum Knox.

I think we're going to be at Coastal Creative in Florida.

St.

Pete, Florida.

St.

Petersburg, Florida, I think.

Yes.

Yeah.

And then Optimum Knox is at the Creek in the Cave, May 6th.

We have a great lineup.

Oh, who's on it?

Nate Marshall.

Okay.

And if you're in Philadelphia on May 6th instead of Austin, Texas, please come to my show at Helium Philadelphia on May 6th, please.

Thank you.

May 31st.

Go to Des Moines, Iowa.

May 31st.

I'll be at Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines, Iowa.

Go to that.

May 31st, Iowa.

This weekend, this very weekend, Cobbs Comedy Club, San Francisco, California,

5-1 to 5-3.

Crest Theater, Sacramento, California.

Neptune Theater, Seattle, Washington, and the Hollywood Improv.

Neptune's awesome.

Neptune should be sick.

I'm getting some really good shows.

I know.

Final egg for the taping.

Those are all great venues.

I'm pumped, man.

And also, I'll be doing a live taping at the Ontario, California Improv coming up.

I didn't list it yet, but it's going to be great.

I'm excited to see your new hour on tape.

Thank you.

I can't wait.

It's a really good hour.

Thank you, bro.

And I like it.

Appreciate you, bro.

Goodbye, everybody.

Bye.

Oh, bro.

We're flying.

Macchiato's hitting.

Dang.

I'm a big espresso guy now.

Yeah.

Sabrina.

Shots of it.

Which is Sabrina Carpenter.

Who's Sabrina Carpenter?

It's me, Espresso.

Dude, you know what I've been thinking about?

You see the whole thing now about, I think it's kind of already out, the news cycle, but white rappers getting crushed for going country.

Forget what?

Getting crushed for like people who were white rappers that now are doing country.

Oh, like posts?

Yeah, well, there's a couple others.

Not just him.

Well, it's like there's McGee Gun Kelly, not country specifically, but him going to pop music, blah, blah, blah.

They tried to get posts.

They're saying stuff about Postmore.

They always try to trash Post.

But it's also like

Beyonce is doing country.

Pose is the man.

He's a fucking beast.

Beyonce is doing country.

Yeah.

But that's which is fine.

I don't care, but it's like,

why are you attacking my fucking black people invented country?

True.

She can do

facts, facts, facts.

She definitely is country.

She comes.

She's coming.

She invented the cowboy hat, too.

And being a cowboy.

And they invented all of it.

I think nobody should care about any of it.

Yeah.

Hey, I agree.

That's what I'm saying, man.

Is that the point everybody's been trying to make?

Yeah, that's definitely.

It's goddamn music.

It's goddang music.

And it's also like, dude, I'm all about the bag, dude.

They tried to get Harlow for that.

What he did?

Harlow sang a song

with an orchestra or something like that.

Yeah.

And he's still rapping.

Yeah, but

he's not even changing genres.

He's still rapping.

He just did it at an event.

Somebody filmed it, and they were like, hate to see white people use our culture to advance themselves and then abandon us.

It's like.

My thing is like, okay, what about the bag, dude?

It's the bag.

You got to respect somebody getting the culture.

Yeah, the bag.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm all the bag.

That was, dude.

Jim Jones had the best take on the whole, whatchamacallit, Drake suing UMG.

They're like, the only thing that's bad for hip-hop, and Jim Jones was on someone's podcast, and he was like, bro, he's getting the bag.

I was like, yeah, I'm kind of with that.

Kevin ISO hit me with that because I've always complained about tweets and opinions.

He's like, you're on black Twitter.

He also loves that I'm on black Twitter.

I'm on black Twitter.

And it works.

You might have written that article, The Root.

Maybe I did.

When it works, you get you fired up.

No, it works.

And then I realized, you know, it's not a unique thought we've talked about before, but everybody's algorithm, like it's like, if I was a black person and saw white Twitter, I'd be like, God damn, these honkies are fucking racist, bro.

I'm on white Twitter, bro.

I think I got white Twitter because of like everybody I know.

And that's what it'll do to you.

It'll be like, oh, yeah.

it'll just show you the worst things.

I think my algorithm doesn't know, though.

It shows me black, like the shit that it will show white people to get y'all fired up, but it also shows me the shit that gets us fired up.

So I can kind of

nice middle ground.

I got both.

I get both.

It's that kind of keeps you sane, I think.

I get it.

It helps.

My ex is for real.

Like, I open it and it's like, holy fuck.

Yeah.

It's like, can we all agree that they're just not good?

And I'm like,

yo.

Fine.

I'll say it.

They do it.

It's all those guys like, I'm just going to say nobody's said it in the last five seconds.

I'll say it.

It's got to be a business model thing.

It's just a business model thing, though.

It is.

It's like, yeah, you get it.

It's the algorithm.

Yeah.

It's designed to make you angry.

It's fucking wild, man.

Adam Curtis hit that.

Fucked me up.

Yeah.

And Descartes got to get, we got to get a new Adam Curtis stock.

We do, man.

It's been a while.

I keep looking for him.

Well, that's shit about how they claim that they can literally watch your micro expressions as you read stuff, and they'll go, yep.

And they'll keep feeding you shit like that.

Just is that what they say that the things watching your face?

Like, yeah, the camera is watching you.

I read a thing years ago, and they said they were watching your face through your camera and engaging, like, your how long you're staying on a thing, all that stuff.

And if you got the wearables, they can literally track your biometrics and be like, it's working on them.

Yeah, it's not working on me, dude.

Why do they keep sending it to me?

Who the fuck do they keep sending me these?

I'm just clutching my purse and going, yeah, every time I see the hot laser, I go, get the fuck off my page.

And they know, yeah, they notice too because they go, it's like

scroll, yep, stack up for a second, down, oh, down,

back up.

I hate how well it knows exactly the kind of lady you want to see, too.

It's not just it's like generic hot lady, it's like he likes hot ladies.

I could have got your algorithm without ever even knowing you.

It's just ladies about to be

thick talk, it's my Paul algorithm,

and I can't.

I wonder if I could have got Meese,

yeah.

Meezy's is just like a lady going,

yeah,

hot Asian.

Yeah.

Oh, wait, like for a babe of a week or your algo.

No, I mean, just guessing, guys, what his

lady, his lady's hot algo is.

Yours is cosplay.

Yeah.

It's a white lady who's trying to be Japanese.

Yeah.

So a black lady dressed as an anime character kind of did it for you.

I wouldn't have guessed yours.

Just so you know, I never would have knocked out yours.

I I cast a wide net.

Yeah, I have a rule of thumb.

I feel like if you're with,

I feel like if you're with a babe and she gets, she can gain weight, but the freak has to increase with the weight.

So the bigger they get, the bigger of a freak they have to become.

That's my rule of thumb.

That's totally fair.

You can get as big as you want, but like

you're talking about pig wife.

Yes.

Yeah, the bigger you get.

A true pig wife.

Exactly.

Yes.

For every pound, for every 10, let's say every 10 pounds got to be a new thing you unlock that you do.

Pig wife sounds kind of nice.

Who would deny it?

A pretty pig wife?

Like a BBW?

It doesn't matter.

Whatever you get, bro.

Whatever you get.

There were guys, yeah.

There were some pig moms that you would see growing up, and you'd go, God damn, that guy's got a pig mom.

I bet she's a.

You got to dial up the freak.

I didn't.

I'm not trying to be a dick.

That is just my rule of thumb.

People can do whatever they want.

You are free to gain as much as you please every 10, 20 pounds.

It'd be like an RPG.

You got to unlock a new thing.

Oh, yeah.

Everybody's like, well, you better get to the gym.

Otherwise,

something real bad happens.

Something I don't even want to do happens.

I'm doing it for us.

But that would be, I mean, imagine that.

For every 20 LBs, it's just like a new act where you're like, whoa, damn, I'd be a freak.

I got to get to the gym right now.

I'm a freak mole.

Freak mole.

True, man.

You'd just be at the, at one point, be like, I just got to hit a ditty party, bro.

I have not been going to the gym.

I just got to go deep now.

I'd be willing to see what my, there's got to be like a, like, you know, like the X and Y axis.

Yeah.

I wonder what, like, where my, where you would tap out at.

As far as the

size of the picture.

The weight goes up, the X.

You go further out the X axis.

I mean, you might get to the point where you get like a lady that you got to, you know, put in a flatbread.

I mean, it might

get to the point where you got to take out a wall to get her out of the house.

If you have a giant blob pig wife,

and you can just anything you want.

You go in there.

Yeah, that's good.

The crane comes in.

You're just like, no,

they rip your shield off.

You go, no, no, you can't take my blob.

Hold on.

Let me get her back in this rabbit hutch.

Oh, yeah.

Blob wife?

Pure blob.

Pure job of the hut.

I be java the slut, dude.

You'd be in a metal bikini standing next to her going, she just kept eating.

Now I'm a fucking freak.

You'd be like hot solo on the edge of that fucking ring.

You'd get sucked into the ring.

You're like, no.

You get a blob wife.

There are dudes, obviously, with blob wives.

Yeah.

Oh, for sure.

I love the thousand-pound sisters or whatever that shit is.

So TLC keeps trotting out blobs.

So tonight,

so sick.

It would be, I mean, again, it's like you just have to use your imagination, but you could probably go pretty, it'd be pretty wild.

Yeah, you could fuck every part of her.

Yeah.

Like you can fuck her arm.

Yeah, and then you would start with.

I've talked about feeders and gainers, but you know what feeders and gainers are, Nate?

No.

A feeder and a gainer.

A feeder and gainer.

Feeders and gainers, it's a fetish.

I like talked about this to someone recently, like, assuming he knew what I was talking about.

And he's like, what the fuck?

What?

Dude.

Like a bit of a feeder, aren't you?

So, a feeder is when you so they take, so if you're a gainer, you're just someone who's you're

sniffing others.

Yeah, you're just gonna feed them.

So, your fetish is getting people fat, and their fetish is becoming your little fat blob.

And you can just get into that whole thing where it's like you want to, but yeah, eat up, babe.

Looks like a dabble in the middle of the day.

Lemise, are you sleepy?

Yeah, I'm a little sleepy.

He's groggy, bro.

Why are you so groggy?

Yeah, I was having a hoot last night.

Oh, the live live show was last night.

Yeah.

So you're with the babes.

Yeah, I was with every

bros and the babes.

P-I-M.

PI-TM babe crew.

Yeah.

Had a long one, you know?

Yeah.

Tied it on.

What do you think about getting

something of a mascot for PITM?

Maybe a blob.

You guys could get a blog.

I would love to have a fan lady just hang around the pod, chime in with her opinions.

Yeah, man.

I think it has to be fair Abraham, honestly.

But you got a blob.

Is she willing to gain for you guys?

For the right price, I bet she would gain.

I think the funniest thing with the pop in the back.

She said, I was playing Bitcoin, and I think about it like every day.

What do you mean?

She's talking about buying and selling

Bitcoin.

She said, I was playing Bitcoin.

I don't understand.

Like, you're saying, like, it was just, that's how she was.

I think the joke is that she has such a lack of understanding of what Bitcoin is that she thinks it's an online game.

She was like, I was playing.

Like, it's Minecraft or something.

That's what I thought, but I wanted to make sure.

It's made me laugh every day since.

Did you guys confront her on the poop video?

No, people are pretty upset about it.

Yeah, I didn't get to that part.

Can't bring up the poop vid.

Not even a confrontation.

It's like an exploration.

We were beating around the bush.

I heard you beating around the bush a little.

How did you beat around the bus?

Cake farts get brought up.

What?

They were bringing up, like, have you ever done cake farts?

It's so funny.

It is funny when you get someone on, you're like, I'm bringing it up.

And the whole time you're like,

we only stood 10 toes, I think, one time.

The non-porn porn thing?

No, she was, because she was trying to say she doesn't.

We are big on if you charge for your OnlyFans but don't show tits.

Yeah.

Not okay.

And she was, you know, talking about she doesn't show tits on her main thing.

And we didn't.

We didn't let it slide.

I was pretty proud of that.

What's the beyond the main thing?

Like your main thing.

It's pretty tough of three men in a room to confront

it.

That's pretty awesome you guys did that.

It wasn't as she as it sounded.

She laughed.

So it's like, and there's another level you can unlock for that.

For what?

For tits.

These are the main thing.

Yeah, she was saying hers was they're giving all this free plugs.

She was saying hers was free, and she charges for extra stuff, which is fine, I think.

But if you charge at all,

gatekeepers.

You know what?

I like it.

Somebody's got to keep the law around there.

Wouldn't this be a great gift?

We were saying this on the pod.

Wouldn't this be a great gift if your lady just was like, I put $100 on your OnlyFans account.

Have a blast.

No.

No?

No, I'm not in a poly relationship.

That's not poly.

You think porn is all in the drain.

That's well, I think it's keeping you locked into non to not stepping out.

You think it is?

I think it's slightly freak shit.

i think i'd be very happy if my lady now if my blob were to approach it

yeah how much does my wife weigh at this point

if she's a blob then by all means yes i i would love to dabble in multiple types of like love like like blob love

uh

what kaye's got going on love

others like pure exhibitionism yeah pure exhibitionism like super like

what about if you what about if you exhibit the blob wait what if what exhibit the blob like i would be

charge people to come out.

You know what I'm saying?

No, I'm saying this.

Just get a PR company just to take pictures of your scantily clad blob and publish it.

You would probably make $100,000 a year.

Just have the fattest lady over the OnlyFans.

People are going to.

For sure.

You're going to get.

Yeah.

Yo.

$100,000 was shooting low.

Yeah.

Now we're talking pamping.

Yeah.

Now we're talking, we're pamping the blob.

You're going to get that fucking

blob.

You're going to get that dragon chain back out.

You're gonna be back.

The dragon chain.

You're gonna be pimping a blob.

Once we start pimping the blob, we all hit piercing pagoda and get like the $132 silver chains.

That would be so sick.

We could get our hands on a blob around here.

They're out.

You can find a blob.

You gotta get a dumbo dropped, though, bro.

I don't feel like growing my blob.

I don't have the patience to grow.

We have the patience.

I mean, yeah.

We could airdrop a blob in here.

A blob dropped off by a blob out in the Le Mer room.

True.

Yeah.

And that's got a good glass.

We could charge people to go look at it.

Even though you need the ranch hand back.

You need the ranch hand.

The ranch hand would be tending to the blob.

But I know what you would do, you little devil.

True.

I'd catch you snacking on the blob.

This whole operation would fall apart.

It'd be nothing but infighting.

Be like, dude, I I saw you with the blob.

What the fuck?

A lot of in-fighting people would be sneaking out to the blob.

A lot of trips to the blob.

I had a guy hit me up recently.

He was like, you can buy apparently gorilla food, and it's like the same macros for people, but it's like $2 a day.

So.

Oh, you mean for the blob?

No, no, I'm saying, I would never feed.

I would feed the blob.

The blob is fucking queen, dude.

That'd be Uber Eats.

Feeding the blob gorilla food would be fucked.

If you'd found a hard time, you'd have no other choice than to feed our, we'd have to feed.

Keep her satiated.

You can buy, apparently, like primate food, and it's like the same macros, and it's like human-grade.

It's like $3.

Some guy was like, think I should do this?

I was like, I don't know, dude.

I was like, if you want.

He's like, it's so cheap.

This is true.

It'd be pretty fucking sick just crushing gorilla feed.

It's probably terrible.

Oh, it's got to be so bad.

And they're, yeah.

But

there's not even any good tasty trees in there.

They're vegetarian.

Yeah, you might as well do the McDonald's.

Oh, omnivore, but you ever see those guys?

Yeah, true.

Omnivore.

No, they'ren't there.

No, they are herbivores.

No, I think gorillas are herbivores.

Yeah, what the fuck?

Those macros must be fucked.

I think with animals, though, you toss fucking anything in there.

Yeah, true.

Beef them up.

Yeah.

That'd be nice to be.

Yeah, you can really feed chimpkins.

Has anyone put a gorilla on steroids before?

Shit.

That would be sick.

That's.

We need another pool house for our juiced up.

Juiced up fucking silverback gorilla.

Now we're even in the darker corners of the internet.

Now we take OnlyFans by storm.

Brother, I'm right there with you.

Somebody forgets to lock the

teaching sign language.

It's just going, take me to the blob.

Take me to the blob.

It would need the blob.

It'd be like Pete the Dolphin.

The blob would fly away.

He would kill himself.

One day they would come take your blob.

Once a lady, 600 pounds.

The government would find out.

Once a lady's 600 pounds, the government government comes and she just goes, the claw.

And it comes down.

You are seeing Toy Story.

The claw.

It would be, if the government got wind that we were collecting blobs, it would be

like Waco.

They got a tank through the fucking wall.

They come for our blobs.

They'd be a big machine, like a pizza planet.

The claw.

We would have to start arming ourselves.

We'd have to defend the blob at all costs.

We would for sure have to.

Because you know the the government can't stand.

No, we need some grazing land, too.

Just get like little astro turf,

just lay little debbies out.

I mean, yeah, once we start,

once we make money off the first blob,

I think we get our bottom.

That'd be our bottom blob.

Yeah, that's our bottom blob.

Bottom blob.

Get our bottom blob.

Get all the other blobs.

We got to just take the first blob, flip that into

three, four blobs.

Some fixer-uppers.

This blob's a little old, but she's good.

Yeah, bobs do, they don't last long.

No.

Unfortunately, our sweet blobs would depart this realm

quickly.

True.

You truck them out.

You get them.

It is what it is.

Take them away.

Do surgery.

Fix the blobs.

Clone them.

Clone the bobs.

We got to be careful, dude.

You get black YouTubers like that blob's a clone.

The last thing we would want, though, is black YouTubers finding out that we have a blob, too.

It'd be swarming the house.

That'd be the bug light for black YouTubers.

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Oh, yeah.

Matt, you make my life so much easier.

Bro, you make my life so

it's like, no, I mean, to be fair, to be fair,

my life would be hell.

I know this is a Shopify ad, but, bro, it's so funny that the prompts be like, what would you guys do without each other?

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I'd be literally filling buckets of rocks in front of my dad and going, you see how fucking strong I am, dad?

I can throw these in a dumpster for you.

I think, honestly, we might both be doing that.

I think I probably would have had a job at your dad's

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Yes.

It turns out your pool house is just like an ancient fucking pyramid thing.

We need to investigate this.

The secrets of the pyramids.

Damn.

Just a energy vortex.

You hear them coming, too.

You

fetty whopped.

We go try to get our blob again.

Lock down.

Lock down.

It's just not a drill.

You just hear that cheer like, mama found it.

It's not a drill.

Did you see the episode two of Last of Us when they get through the fence, dude?

They're going to breach.

This is one big guy.

We'd have to definitely secure that fence.

Get some dogs.

Some spotlights.

They just all have miniature fucking pieces.

Would you help defend the blob or would you side with your black YouTube cohort?

Cohorts?

Would you be in cahoots with the black YouTubers?

Just for a taste of the blob yourself.

No.

You don't want to run a train on the blob with the fellows.

I would defend the blob.

No, I wouldn't.

You'd defend the blob.

I know you would.

Trains are gross.

Trains aren't gross.

True.

Unless it's a blob.

It's got to.

He'd be a railroad bull.

He'd be a hard-headed railroad bull, dude.

You'd be down there.

What the hell?

all right breaking up the stone all right yeah we got

talking about bob talk no bob talk's good i think it's a good rule of thumb that's all i'm saying and then if you can take it anywhere you want if you're business-minded obviously like we are yeah take it anywhere you want remember the video i sent you this this lady just she just had gig like yeah dude i i found this video online and it's a lady with i mean dude beyond f's the most giant boobs yeah yeah and she, it's just her husband tapes her going down a water slide in one of those little things, like the raft.

And like, it's just every turn, they're just

and it has like a million views.

And he wrote a disclaimer being like, guys, this is a family video.

My wife, please don't poke fun of the way she's built.

It's like, dude, you knew what you did.

You knew what you're doing.

You knew what you were doing.

Statues of her in India.

Those guys got a hold of fucking those videos.

Holy shit.

That is the Bob.

That is Shiva.

That is Shiva.

There's a village that's like their exclusive deity.

They build the water park.

Like, she will come.

She will ride the slide.

That would be pretty tough.

I always forget about it.

It's a nice thing about how horny you guys are in India.

Anywhere where there's a billion.

And again, the census could be wrong, by the way.

I was on war mode recently.

It turns out the census is, they totally botched it.

They're saying they overestimated?

Overestimated.

And there's a lot less people?

I think so.

But

the black conspiracy is that there's way more black people than they say.

Yeah.

That one I kind of believe.

I did until I got to fucking Austin.

True.

Yeah, that's just coming from black people that live around black people.

Yeah, true.

What the fuck?

Everyone's black.

Why are they saying this?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You fly across the country and you go, it's been white the entire time.

Yeah.

It's true.

America is a giant double-stuffed Oreo.

It is.

But

what the coasts don't understand is the blobs are in the middle.

Yeah, true.

They got it.

You get up the new Oregon Trail.

Yeah.

You got to find the Bobs.

Minnesota Trail.

In there.

They're in Minnesota.

They're everywhere.

Yeah, true, man.

Yeah, if you're going to be.

You get down to Missouri, Iowa.

Then you head down to the deep side.

There's Bobs.

There's Bobs chilling.

The best.

Honey booboos.

Talking Arkansas away.

Here's the thing.

It's all fun and games until the blob turns on you.

Then you got to go.

She could turn on you, man.

That would be ugly.

The no country for old men.

This is all fictitious of us.

This is all fictitious.

We would never fatten a woman up.

We would never fatten her up for our own pleasure.

Women will fatten you up, though.

They're trying to get the male blob, dude.

That's all they do.

They love trying to to fatten you up.

Just so they can shame you.

I think it's the same thing.

Women are the biggest fat shamers on the planet.

They will fatten you and then shame you.

My theory was so that you wouldn't cheat on them.

They want you fat.

So no one else wants you, they think.

Yeah.

That's what I always thought.

But, dude, for every five I gain, though, I get freaky.

Why are you making that face?

My fucking blob's walking around.

My blob just walks behind the camera, and we're all sitting here going, fucking women, nasty bitches.

No, no, no.

I'm saying they will feed you.

They will blob you up.

But you're right, though.

Of course, it's to show you later.

Yeah.

You need to worry.

It's like, you gave me all these fucking treats.

You gave me the creamy.

I would have never bought.

I'd never buy creamy.

All of a sudden, there's creamy in the house.

Yes, I'm going to take a fucking scoop.

And I go, oh, shit, this is better than I thought it was going to be.

I forgot how fucking good creamy is.

Oh, I need to do it.

Stand by the fucking refrigerator and eat a lot more creamy than I thought.

Peanut butter ripple, bro.

Don't even talk about that, man.

Give me me some peanut butter ripple.

Me out, dude.

I might be a gainer.

You could be a feeder.

You might be.

This might be gainer and feeder secret podcast.

You got to dial up the freak for me.

Or I will walk, bro.

I will fucking walk.

I will walk.

What do you want?

What more do you want?

Do you know about my dream I had, bro?

It's the Patreon.

We'll get podiums.

We'll get podiums, but I'm going to bring in an expert and you debate them.

And you have to genuinely debate them.

What is it about?

What do you think you're an expert on other than wrestling?

Quantum entanglement.

Okay.

There we go.

I'll find

a professor from the University of Texas.

Yes.

It's a close second.

WWE and the quantum entanglement.

Once I've mastered the SummerSlam, I've headed straight into quantum.

We can find a professor from Texas to come debate you.

That would be nice.

Ooh, we should get a fucking women's studies.

E.

LaMaire?

Debate me about that.

Women's Studies verse paintings in the mouth debate.

That would be nice.

But dude, they're not ready for blob theory.

They're not ready for the budget.

Even with blob theory, they're going to go.

Quantum blob theory.

Have you studied blob theory?

I mean, if you hit a gender studies major with for every 20, you got to get freakier, they would leave.

They would fucking leave.

They'd be out, dude.

They do not like that kind of stuff.

I would like to find a white race professor.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Oh, that'd be good.

A white African studies to come in here and teach you guys some things.

Get Dozo.

Yeah.

Yeah,

is there any white African studies?

There's got to be a couple.

Got to be.

It's got to be so many white ladies.

Yeah, true.

With hyphenated last names.

I got one.

Rachel Dozo.

Dozo.

Yeah.

Well, Dolezal, we can't have her debate.

Yeah.

Also, you guys would be.

I'd be pretty excited.

You would get it.

I'm a big fan.

You guys wouldn't ask the hard-hitting questions.

You guys would be like, oh, I think you're pretty good at the N-double ACP.

You have an OnlyFans.

I know that.

You trigger Chips to icing on the cake.

I was a supporter of hers before.

She was just a white lady that loved black people too much.

Texas racial studies.

Yeah.

She was getting nasty on the OnlyFans for a while.

Was she getting nasty?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, like in the nicest way possible.

Like, she was getting nasty, but it was like beautiful.

Yeah.

She had been

in the gym.

She had been a bad girl.

Yeah.

Dan, it's so nice to just doggy your way out of a like

racial standpoint.

The department of race, ethnicity, gender, and

sexuality studies.

I like that.

That's all one thing.

Oh, yeah.

Being gay and being black is the same thing.

It is weird.

Why do you guys get looped in with that all the time?

You guys, I need them to stop.

It's not that it's a problem.

It's just

weird.

If it was like Irish studies and gay people, I'd be like, why are you doing it?

Hold on.

It's just like somebody's doing it, going, got them.

Like afterwards, like, I don't, I don't call them gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're going to hate this.

It's going to make them so mad.

True.

It's kind of BS, man.

Yo, come on now.

Give me the.

There's no honks.

I can't find the directory for the.

Oh, we could bring in Italian studies.

That would be nice.

Oh, that's definitely just language.

God damn it.

Yeah,

I was thinking it was.

It was right above Jewish studies

in the listing here.

Is Jewish studies?

Is that the same thing as Jewish studies, Italian studies, gay guys?

Probably.

It's just.

Yeah.

Black studies.

That's kind of...

Remember when when universities started doing Ebonics?

They don't do that anymore, do they?

Was that a thing for real?

I swear to God, I think that was like maybe one or two places did that.

I like it.

I might go back and major in it.

Yeah,

that's fat.

That class would be so funny to sit in.

Cap.

Yeah, calling Cap would be so nice.

Guilt, teach.

Just trying to figure out when to say type shit.

Like, I don't exactly know how to put it into a conversation.

Type shit is sufficient.

You should study Bonics.

That'd be sick.

That would be tight, man.

I think that was like a thing.

It's still a thing.

I guess if you do linguistics, maybe it's just like a.

Because I remember just back in the day, you'd hear about it.

I didn't know anything about, like, I didn't know the specifics.

But I remember they like busted that out on colleges.

We're like, we got a.

It could have just been like just linguistics.

Like, let's dive into this.

But I don't know.

I don't know a motherfucking thing.

Faculty is the word I was looking for.

There you go.

I'm an idiot.

It's like, what the fuck is professors?

Guys.

Nerds.

Directory to your talking nerds.

Damn, everybody here is a made-up name.

For wheel, the faculty directory.

What kind of what are we working with?

I don't feel like naming names.

Yeah, yeah, don't name names.

Oh, who's that guy?

Are they caucusoids?

Some are.

Oh, Zardini,

yeah, there's one for you.

What?

Caucasoids?

That's what I call them.

I like that.

What is this for?

What do they say?

What's it apart?

I hate to be a jerk, but it looks like engineering.

Oh.

That's why I heard that's made up names.

That's why I ever heard that's made up names.

There's not one.

There we go.

There he is.

There he is.

There's one guy.

Yeah, if it's engineering, it's going to be.

Dude, I didn't do engineering in school.

That's pretty names.

yo, fucking gibberish.

That guy's last name's kind of funny, though.

Yeah, it is.

What the fuck?

Yeah, engineering, dude.

Drexel was in engineering school, and like, I had teachers I couldn't understand.

Just for like math classes.

That's who's coming over here to battle us.

Yo,

that's a final boss.

Amise, can you handle it?

Amise, you're done for.

Get an engineering professor to come debate like critical race theory.

It's like, um, uh,

I don't, I don't, this isn't my area of of expertise.

Like, shut up, nerd.

Do big words.

I know about making bridges.

Hmm?

What are you looking up, Sean?

We can get our hands on one of these.

I looked up the African American Studies faculty, and it's uh, it's it, there's not really any caucusoids.

There's no caucusoids?

No, there's one, looks like it's

a feeling on that.

I think they knocked that off.

Like, they were like, sorry, guys, we'll get you a new job, but you can't do this anymore.

Never mind, I got one.

He looks like Mark Zuckerberg.

Oh, bring him in.

Let me see that fella.

Let me take a good look at that fella.

He would probably make me so angry.

Wow, wow.

Excuse me.

I swear to God, I thought it was Gardinia.

That's why I was like,

Guardo, yeah, you're fucking mine.

No, yeah, we can't.

Whatever.

We can't do that.

You can't release this man's.

No, no, no.

Hide whatever we have to out of that.

Yeah.

Shield that man's out of the way.

Or we could have LeMaire moderate a debate between two professors and then have him summarize everything in between.

That'd be kind of nice.

It'd be like gender studies versus astrophysicists and be like, go.

Go.

Go.

Yeah, that's a good debate, though.

That'd be kind of sick.

Astrophysicist versus, yeah, it'd be like made-up bullshit versus made-up bullshit.

Totally unprovable gibberish versus totally unprovable gibberish.

Go ahead.

Stuff that doesn't fucking matter.

Go ahead.

Going back to school for gender studies would be nasty.

I did social work.

I might as well go all the way back.

Dude, it's being in a hostile classroom, I kind of genuinely miss it.

It's so fun.

Yeah, it's good that you were old enough to be able to handle that.

I was, dude, before 25 versus Charlie Kirk, I lived it for two years.

I just didn't know it was like a cool thing on the internet.

Should have live streamed the class.

It was 25, what is that?

When like those like conservative YouTubers will like debate 25 college students at a time.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Yeah, they'll be

25 woke students versus Jordan Cook.

Yeah, yeah.

They'll be like, I don't like being gay.

You're like, what?

No.

Yeah, right.

He just talks fast as fuck.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, he's talking fast as fuck.

Dumbass.

Be real calm and condescending the entire time.

Yeah.

Destroy the libs, dude.

You just get a bunch of nervous college students.

All I want to do is destroy libs.

Yeah, dude.

I'm just going to go go in there you guys triggered yet

i'd have to i'd have tape over my mouth the whole time like all right i guess i'll take this off i uh

i think trump jr has a podcast called triggered does he oh yeah

are you are you ever listening to it or you ever get i didn't listen to it yet but i saw an image for it and

yeah damn that's gay i'm gonna say that stinks

Yeah, it does.

It's a huge money maker.

Huge money maker to deal with.

I mean, again, respect the bag.

You always got to respect somebody getting the bag, but

it's tough.

Somebody should ask.

Is the font fire?

Whoa.

Breaking the blob.

Oh, shit.

Trump.

There's an episode of Triggered called Breaking the Blob, dude.

I thought we were.

Trump Jr.

on Triggered already sat down with Mike Benz and figured out what we got.

Figured out

what we need to do to shatter the blob.

They're trying to take our blob.

What the fuck?

They're trying to break the blob.

They know it's too powerful.

I'm voting damn this next election.

If they're going to take away my right to blob, it's a blue wave.

Bear blob is a total blue wave.

It's a total blue wave.

If the Republicans are trying to get your hands off my fucking blob, bro, the government's coming for your blobs over my dead body.

I feel like the blobs have been staunch Republicans for a while.

That's another thing that happens.

You blob out so hard, you do become a fascist.

Well, I think the soda man got them pretty hard.

But also, RFK has got to be a real, he's a menace to the blobs.

Blobbuster.

He's a blobbuster.

I'm secretly rooting for him so hard, dude.

I can't wait till he bans all that bullshit in our food.

Yeah.

Didn't he ban like dies?

Didn't he ban like, yeah.

There's just like 70 things illegal to put in foods in Europe that we eat.

Yeah.

No, I'm all for getting rid of that shit.

That shit confuses me sometimes that we're not spazzing about it.

You know?

Yeah, especially.

But it's very funny when a guy in Trump's cabinet does it.

So then everyone's like, no,

we need those dyes.

I know.

Yeah, it was like, do you want your gummy worms to be gray?

Kind of, yeah.

Yeah, who cares?

Root beer barrels.

Those things are good.

The root beer bottle gummies.

Those fucking rule.

They better not be fucking dyes.

They are.

It's all dyes.

But you can do it.

You could easily remove those things.

It'd be a little more expensive.

You could remove that shit pretty easily.

Still keep the color and remove it?

Yeah, dude.

You can use like beet juice powder and all that bullshit.

I mean, you might not be able to have like certain huge.

You could probably honestly get certain huge blobs.

I used to make gummies and I would use natural dyes in my gummies.

I had some of those gummies.

They were good.

They were good.

A little too good.

RFK would have told you to fucking regulate those things.

RFK would have definitely taken away my Ki-fi crawlers.

Keefy crawlers.

Keefy crawlers were a million-dollar idea.

Keefy crawlers.

Keefy Keefy crawlers are so nice.

I had these bug gummy molds, and I would toast Keef with sugar.

So I decarb the Keef.

And then once I got the gummies, when they were still sticky, I'd roll them in Keefe.

You could actually eat because it was activated.

Those used to fucking crush me, dude.

Yeah.

Keefy crawlers.

I would drive around.

Bro, I got

destroyed off those fucking things.

I couldn't.

Schizlers.

Those don't even bring those up.

I think that was just heroin.

I think that was just fentanyl.

They might have had fentanyl.

That was pure fentanyl, dude.

I was getting blind.

And they were an alcohol tincture, so you were also eating like Everclear.

I was just trying to play FIFA, and then I'd be.

What'd you give me, dude?

I'm blind.

Yeah, those things were sick.

Matt, yeah, I was a fucking feeder.

You were a feeder back then.

I was a feeder.

I was a feeder.

I was just sitting in the living room trying to game, and you would come in and go here, eat this.

I was MK Ultra.

I was MK altogether.

Fuck out of me.

You MK'd be bad there.

He's just in the kitchen making shit.

I was like,

I remember I boiled off.

I like took grain alcohol, made an extraction, put it in a rice cooker in their backyard.

And it was just the smell of just like burning alcohol.

It's a really harsh smell.

And then I thought it was done.

So I was like, all right, I guess all the alcohol is out.

And I put my face in it to like, and I just, I don't know why.

I took a big whiff and it like, I just inhaled a bunch of alcohol fumes.

And it fucking felt weird.

I bet.

Yeah, it was not a good feeling.

I kind of panicked for a while it definitely took me aback i had like this that shit had to fuck you i had this device that i forget the name of it but it was like a week the nova decarboxylator uh i

i think it was sick i can't remember but i still got it or the magic butter machine it's like a magic butter machine but it was called something else but i tried to make uh like tinctures with it and it broke like it broke Just making it I think the fume just broke a hinge on it and then the paint under it was off

What were you doing making tinctures?

It was doing this was like 2020, everything was done, and

I'm not telling nobody.

I would have had a slide on you, dude.

Yeah, I was already in Jersey, I wasn't even

in your territory, I wasn't bringing it down there.

You were trying to fuck with Mount Vernon,

Mount Vernon, mafia, bro.

I would have had to snatch the dragon chain, bro.

We would have snatched your chain, no problem.

No, the dragon chain version of me menace.

That was that was actually that.

We would have sent our top hitters, dude.

We would have sent wood and bees.

Yeah, we would have been dead.

Our top hitters.

Our fucking

coppers.

We would have sexually blackmailed you with Barn Dog.

The Barn Dog.

The Bar Dog's legend.

Barn Dog would have got you ass.

No.

Barn Dog would have never got me.

That'd have been the one hitter I took out for sure.

You could have got the Barn Dog.

I could have got the Barn Dog.

I'd have saw three of them barned up.

Never got to the bees.

No.

You could compromise the bees, though.

True.

You could join your side pretty easily.

Like bees.

Bees is down.

Woodman's a wild card.

He could have got it.

Yeah.

We just sent him to your house.

He would have killed you.

Nah.

He wouldn't have made it.

That would have Game of Thrones.

He would have killed the wrong guy.

He would have, like, smashed the baby.

What did you do?

Well, that was House of Dragons, I think.

Oh, dude, I'm walking,

dude.

I used to eat those.

It was like I had the bug mold.

The butterfly was like the smallest.

Then there was the spiders.

Then I had these centipedes that I did the math.

They had to have been at least like 120 milligrams.

Yeah.

And like, dude, I could only, I did a spider once and was rocked.

And I remember I would eat those like a butterfly and spider in the morning, just forget and be driving around and just they would hit me and I would be blasting LS Dream.

The music I used for the intro for the first special, just like

trying to cross Lancaster Ave.

Like,

I'm never getting across the street.

It was crazy.

I was like, I'll never get across the street.

Lancaster Ave is a tough place to be high as shit, driving.

Bro, it's that sucks.

Man, I clocked a lot of hours driving up that just like

Lancaster Ave is fucking chaos, dude.

It is absolute fucking chaos.

That street is nuts, dude.

It's also, if you ever like walk up and down there, what?

Open air.

It's open air sex.

The hoes are on Lancaster Ave.

That's nice.

Lots of hoes.

That's nice stuff, man.

Yeah.

We are talking.

Lancaster Ave.

Yeah, you could go get the blob, bro.

You can secure the blob on Lancaster Ave.

For sure.

For sure.

God damn, my shorts are so fucking short.

You should end the podcast anyway.

What are we at, an hour?

God.

I'm about to whiz.

Yeah, I got a pee big time.

That fucking flew, dude.

That was good stuff.

Got the juice flying.

Thank you.