Ep 556 - Spud Sucker

Wow, wow, Wes.

Yes.

Yes.

What a man, what a little, what a week.

What a crazy week.

What an absolutely crazy week.

I'll say this about Shannon.

Yeah.

The funniest thing to me about Shayshay defending himself was being like, you only have a 30-second video.

Release the full 10 minutes.

It's like he was like, I didn't fuck for 30 seconds.

I fucked for 10 minutes.

The whole sex vape out.

He's on a mission for like some male sex award he's always he's been talking about this for years like i'm a deep sea fisherman i plumbed the depths he's like always talking about his dong it's a dangerous world eventually you get caught up yeah man you gotta you gotta you know dude i i was reading a uh it's the high seas true you know what i mean you can't be deep sea fisherman you can't be man it's gotta be you know he's too old for that dude i read it i like you know in like articles now they include internet comments One of them I was reading on The Root.

Did you ever read that publication?

Yeah.

The Root.

It's usually the, yeah, it's a lot of it's like clickbaity stuff, but one of the

takes.

Some of the takes.

You're back, by the way.

You back.

I'll let you fitch.

I'm back, though.

I'm back in my right-wing keys.

Right-wing keys.

Saw sinners last night.

I'm back.

Dude, the funniest takes, one of them was, you know, you have like the whole situation going on, and then it's like, one of the top takes was like, no way, like a BM will allow a WW to talk to him this way.

Never allow a BW to talk.

It's like, just someone was pissed being like, they'd never let a black woman talk to him.

They're using Girby's terms.

A BW?

BW.

BMs will let BW or WWs talk to them however they want, but they'll never let a BW talk to them like that.

And it's like, dude, that's your takeaway on this?

I haven't looked into anything about it at all.

One of them.

Other than I just saw a little bit of

Shannon defending himself, but it just cracked me up being like, it wasn't 30 seconds, dude.

Yeah.

It was 10 minutes.

Yeah, Order Speech also released the full tape.

We can all relate to to that.

Release the full tape.

It's like, bro, come on, man.

He wants tape.

I mean, I get it.

If you're painting in the corner, that's a bad corner to be painted in, but it's

all calling one of the girls on ESPN a whore.

Who?

What's her name?

Yeah.

Who called?

No one's saying shit about Shannon Sharp's out here putting out sex tapes.

What did Skip get fired for?

He was being a horny ass.

Oh,

yeah.

I saw Skip do that debate about LeBron.

He looked like he he was going to get gangbanged.

What happened?

Did that?

He just did

one of those things where you sit down and people argue with you.

First, like 25 people.

Yeah, it was like LeBron versus Jordan, but it started.

He was like, I'm Skip, and I'm going to.

And there's just a bunch of dudes standing behind him.

It looked nuts.

These people are out.

They're bonkers.

Yeah, I don't understand the need for that level of discourse where it's like

having two people have a conversation is not enough.

I need to see somebody verse 25.

It's a fetish.

It's fully porn.

It's literally, it's Bukaki.

Yeah.

It's literally Bukaki.

By the way, we've all been there.

I'd like to see her take on more than just one guy.

Let's see what 25 looks like.

I wish I hadn't done that.

I'm not the man I thought I was.

Yeah, they did.

Someone said that was an ancestral dragon, like a dragging for, like, you know, for sharp messing around with these snow bonies.

Leave them buddies alone, bro.

True.

Dr.

Umar said that.

You need to see sinners.

Dr.

Umar needs to fucking worry about his own house, man.

You need to see.

Sorry.

I don't want to speak about another man's house.

Don't talk about him, dude.

He'll get you.

Let him, bro.

He defends Shannon,

but on one condition that he leaves them snow bunnies alone from now on.

That's what he's saying.

You got to leave the snow bunnies alone.

Got it, bro.

Especially that guy.

Nah.

Nate?

Nate?

Big no from me.

Nate, I'd like you to leave the snow bunnies alone.

That's something me and Dr.

Umar can agree on.

I got triggered last night, dude.

What happened?

Saw Sinners.

What's it about?

It's about evil Irish vampires attacking black people to steal their souls and music

to steal the rock and roll.

What was this on?

It's a huge movie.

Obviously, 100% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Obviously.

Yeah, yeah.

No, the movie fucking does rule.

It was a very good movie.

Irish Vampires?

Yeah, it kind of hyped me up.

At one point, they sang Rocky Road to Dublin outside of the...

It was, I mean, it's basically dusk till dawn

with

Django.

There's a Django scene.

There's a Django scene.

You'll see when you see it.

Where does it take place?

You're never going to guess.

Jim Crow, Mississippi.

You're never going to guess.

One of our proudest moments.

Yeah.

There's running back, the hits.

There's a running back, the big time hits.

No, it was

the movie was good, but again, it was i i'm working on not being able to not getting triggered by

race baiting but that's not the movie was good it was a good movie yeah it was good but why were they irish vampires the evil white vampires did kind of piss me off and the only white people in the movie were evil

nasty fucks dang yeah do you think it's strategic at all because they're the people make that argument a lot obviously it's strategic well i'm saying right shoehorned native americans and asians into the good side what so it was everybody against the honks dude.

The Hawks were outside going, so the 1800s Asians were like, hey, my black brother.

Yeah.

They still don't do that, dude.

It's 2025.

It's 2025.

What happened to that community?

Is where they fell apart?

I don't know, but I guess they had it figured out back then.

It's a thing in the Delta, I guess, Mississippi, where Asians did go there

and due to Jim Crow laws opened

bodegas and shit.

Yeah.

To be like, you guys can fucking

middleman minority.

That's their whole thing.

And they did that, I guess, back then.

I don't know how prevalent it was that it needed to be in the movie.

I don't know how many fucking Choctaw Indians were running around in 1930, but you know, fuck it.

There was vampires.

So

what was the vibe in like the

vibe in the theater?

No, the vibe.

You went in the theater and watched it?

I saw it last night.

Oh, shit.

Yep.

I was one of the few honks.

Talking about

whenever they'd make a point in the movie, I'd hear a lot of it.

Mm-hmm.

And it didn't piss me off.

Did you ever get any words?

Well, I got one.

Yeah.

Well, actually,

I almost was standing up and going, uh,

if you look into the actual history, I don't know.

I don't know.

What do I know?

You've never been there?

It fires you.

I wish it didn't.

The only thing that bothers me is not that movie.

It's just that that's how people get their history.

Yeah.

That's what they think was real.

Like,

always.

No, not the Irish Vampire.

But, like, I got on Twitter and someone was like, that's why black people don't have welcome mats to let vampires in.

That's just old Mississippi voodoo.

And you go, yep, for sure.

Every single thing that we do today was from that.

What?

I think that was just one dumb person, but

what the fuck do welcome mats?

Are you talking about the money?

It's about vampires, not letting them into your house.

Does that let a vampire enter if you have a welcome mat?

Technically, you welcome me into your house.

Yeah, I guess.

What?

I don't know.

You'll see.

The movie does.

Michael B.

Jordan fucking rules.

He rules in it.

He fucking rules.

And he plays his twin brother as he plays himself twice.

Which normally I fucking hate.

Yeah.

He did a great job.

He naughty professor.

He naughty professored out.

And it was pretty good.

That's awesome.

When they told me he was playing his brother, I was like, oh, that sucks.

Yeah.

And I saw it and I was like, man, he's pretty fucking good.

He did a good job.

Damn.

He's cool.

I hope he kills all the white devils.

And he got them.

He did get the white devils.

How do you kill?

What do you strave like a potato in their heart?

How do you kill it?

A potato deck?

They want to suck your potatoes.

They're trying to get in there.

Come here, spuds.

I know you've got spuds in there.

Let me in.

I'd like to suck your spuds.

I know you're keeping the spuds back there.

Let me in there.

Our music scenes were fucking sick.

Yeah.

You'll see.

whatever.

I'm complimenting a lot because I got frustrated.

You two, you're going to love it.

I'm looking forward to it.

You guys are going to.

I'm really looking forward to seeing it, actually.

I would love it.

They need, let's get a white movie.

I mean, you think you get sick of the story after a while.

What do you mean, let's get a white movie?

Where we kill all the other races.

Oh, you can't do that.

Why?

You guys do it every single fucking night.

We used to do it.

We had those movies.

I know.

They were a big hit.

I swear to God, I think they showed Birth of a Nation at the White House.

Yeah, remake Song of the South.

Yeah.

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Yes.

I mean,

you guys were the bad guys.

You guys were some bad guys for you.

Yeah.

They had a good run of being.

Not really.

Well, yeah, they were portrayed pretty flatly and one-dimensionally for a while in the early early 90s early 20th century early 90s they were hits though

yeah

black people just like stopped being this is the first like irish vampire movie like black people just stopped being portrayed as bad guys necessarily all the time i don't remember them being a bad guy in a movie

In the last 30 years since I've been a bad guy in the movie, they're still like the star in a movie, like Train of Day.

Like Like Denzel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Train of Day.

Or I guess John Q, he was kind of the bad guy.

It's always Denzel.

Denzel being a hero.

Yes, Denzel being kind of a hero.

I guess it was more of the Russians were the bad.

Russians.

The Russians have been bad since 1980.

I feel like you could.

There's got to be some black bad guy movies.

Or maybe they just portrayed like thug henchmen all the time.

I don't know.

Thug henchmen are always white.

It's like a fucking home alarm system commercial.

Yeah, true.

It's always two white guys breaking into your house.

Like, give me your potatoes.

Maybe I'm just thinking.

Maybe I might just be thinking of the news in the 90s.

That might be what I'm doing.

The news.

The news was crazy.

That's a horse of a different color.

I'll be getting movies mixed up with the news.

Yeah, movies since I've been alive.

Now, I will say they did hit black people with cool black friend sidekick.

Yeah.

For a while.

Yeah.

Which, come on, man.

We're trying.

Yeah, I'm going right now.

This is the Honks trying their best.

Movies.

Now it's white friend sidekick in black movies.

That's nice.

We've switched.

Yeah, I watched G20.

You guys are going to love that.

G20?

G20.

Oh, come on, man.

It's the best film.

What's G20?

It's Michelle Obama biopic.

What?

No, it's not.

It's Viola Davis plays a kick-ass war hero that becomes president and saves everyone's life.

Saves time to save the whole world again.

It's good.

It's good.

It's awesome.

What's it based on?

It's based on evil white guys break in to try to kill the coolest black lady and the coolest black husband and their kids.

Enough, dude.

It's very good.

Enough.

Enough.

I've had it up to here.

Dang.

Meanwhile, Unk is sweating around.

It's the Unk apocalypse, dude.

It's Unkhalp.

It is the Unkpocalypse.

Fucking Kanye.

Kanye has Unka Paul's right now.

Kanye might be a vampire.

He sucked his cousin.

He fucking wanted to suck his cousin.

well i love how they're like he allegedly sucked his cousin it's like he said it himself

i mean it could be

it could be yeah just just chatting but that one seems that's a tough one to put on yourself the weirdest troll yeah and i like i was like maybe the song i listen to the song i'm like this is so disturbing dude

because blizz tricked me blizz like the song's actually pretty good and i was like how could that and i listened to it i'm like no this is not this is

Making me feel weird.

I'm on an airplane right now, dude.

I didn't listen to the song yet.

It's just him in auto-tune being like, I sucked my cousin's dick

it's crazy dude it's crazy he says that in the song

i think oh this song rules i gave my cousin head that's a yeah i gave my cousin head i gave my cousin head

it's crazy dude it's he sounded like big daddy mark

i love big daddy mark too bad uh you knew who whatchamacallit nate dog's not around like oh gave my cousin head yeah

the hook master suck his dick every day

that could have been the summer banger, dude.

We were talking about it.

Yeah, we need that.

Instead, we got cousins.

Is that what it's called?

Cousins?

Sucking cousins.

That's the summer banger.

Sucking cousins, yeah.

They could be playing that.

I mean, it's just

I'm rarely disturbed.

And I was like, yep, you got me, man.

I'm genuinely fucking disturbed and whacked out listening to this.

This is a crazy admission.

And maybe he's just really purging everything.

He probably saw a white lotus.

True.

He's probably like, I could do that.

Yeah, true.

That is.

He has his pulse on the the culture.

He's got the pulse of the culture, man.

Yeah, that was.

Nate, are you skinny?

Did you lose some weight?

I haven't been drinking as much, and I've been in the gym.

I might have lost a little bit.

You lost a lot of weight.

You're trying to avoid.

After Uncle got in trouble, you're trying to distance yourself.

No, I'm not.

I'm trying to leave the Ankh sphere.

I would never leave the Unknown sphere.

You're still in the Uncle sphere.

I don't think I can leave it.

I think I'm too dug in now.

Yeah.

Although,

there's a lot of snow bunnies not taking up right now.

Snow bunnies up for grabs.

Unk had himself a little rabbit hutch, bro.

He did.

He had a little wabbits.

He is waskly wabbits.

He does kind of talk like fuck.

He does.

Poor Unk, dude.

I mean, Stephen A.

Smith played the fence pretty well.

He's just like, we're looking into the matter very, very, very seriously.

Very, he got like real into the hierarchy of ESPN.

He goes, I'm authorized to say that right now by the higher ups.

He's like, there's levels to this.

There's people even higher than me and espn they're telling me i can tell you this yeah they're looking into it very vague goes all the way to the top this goes to the very

curb street

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Yeah, I mean, we'll see.

Yeah, man.

I mean, dude, it's all.

Hopefully it's all

fabrication, you know?

I mean, they have the phone call, which again, it's like I was listening to it being like, damn, bro, you're walking right into this.

The phone call was the one you just played where you said, Black Eye chokes white girl.

No, no, no.

That was a goof.

There was, yeah, no, there was a goof.

I'm with Seje on that, but that's all I heard.

She was like, I don't know how I feel about this.

And he's like, stop.

She was like, stop manipulating me.

He goes, if you say that word one more time, I'm going to choke the shit out of you.

And he goes, she's like, you think I want that?

He goes, I know you want that.

And it was kind of like, damn, Awkward.

You stop being so damn sexual.

He's so freaky, dude.

Yeah, that's just me and Freak Bull.

That's what

I'm doing.

I don't know if it was some weird BDSM play.

Wait, you're not allowed to say you're going to choke someone on the phone?

I think you can unless they are suing you in court for alleging you sexually assaulting them.

That's the, you know.

Ah, that gummet.

Yeah, that gummet for sure.

I'm just going to get a Wesque Webb.

The Wesque Webb in front of 12 of my peers.

So, yeah, it's, you know, we'll see.

I mean, if he releases, that's going to be crazy to sit in court and watch just

getting freaky, bro.

That might be not his nightmare.

I was going to say that's everybody's nightmare.

Unk might be like, yeah, that's what I do.

Yeah, dude, for sure.

Yeah.

He already got caught up with the fucking audio recording, which kind of that was bizarre.

The live stream, yeah, my bad.

The audio live stream.

And now he's like, he's just so hot.

It's like, dude, just start doing porn, man.

This is way off topic, but saying how bizarre reminded me of.

I've definitely said it on here before, Bob Lazar on Joe Rogan with the UFOs.

It's going, Bob Lazar.

I was out in Area 51, Bob Lazar.

Anyway.

Yeah, there's more, dude.

Apparently, also, Dong Lemon and Chris Cuomo are beefing.

Don Lemon and Chris Cuomo are beefing right now.

They were brothers, dude.

They literally said, I love you every day.

I watched it

every day during the peaceful program.

I'm glad you're sitting down right now.

I'm telling you, that was fake.

It was fake, bro.

According to Chris Cuomo, it was fake.

He was the one leading it.

I watched it every night.

Cuomo was overly like, I love you, brother.

We're going to get through this.

Dong Lemon was always the one that was kind of like,

all right, I love you too, buddy.

Well, according to Cuomo, he's coming out being like, that was all bullshit, dude.

That was all fake as hell.

I'm siding with Dong.

You're siding with Dong.

I never thought I'd say, maybe Sinners changed me.

I'm signing with Dong.

I'm signing with Unk.

OJ Simpson, I'm back.

Yeah, bro.

In the spirit of an innocent man.

Drew.

No, he's, yeah, he's saying it was all fucking fake.

And because he didn't, Dong didn't have his back

when Chris Cuomo's brother.

This is all allegedly.

It's very messy.

Everything's very messy.

Everything's messy.

Alleged, huge alleged over the whole thing.

Quotes, everything, quotes, and italics.

Yeah, we

legally speaking.

Alleged.

Mold print quotes.

In parentheses, sick, whatever that means.

ETC, period.

Yeah, so the situation, if you don't recall, the situation at hand was Chris Cuomo's brother grabbed ass

in an Italian way.

Grabbed ass, yes.

But that's Italian snow.

Yeah, he had a little sambuca.

Sambuka zip.

Little sweet, the lemon cello.

But Don Lemo, Don Lamon, didn't have his back.

who also an alleged hot dog snatcher.

He had a hot dog snatch.

No, he had a hot dog snatcher, allegedly, at the Hamptons.

He allegedly hot dog snatched.

Capital of hot dog snatching, I would imagine.

A major.

It was one of a great hot dog offense.

It was one of the old time.

What are you telling?

Hot dogs, do it.

Snatch a hot dog at a bar, allegedly.

So you'd think your brother.

Alleged hot dogs.

Your brother.

They were podcasters, to be fair.

They were fellow podcasters.

And I think what happened was it was floated.

Like all great podcasts, dude.

Definitely too high.

They exploded.

Exactly.

But they were floating the idea of him and Dong doing the podcast together, and Chris just spazzed and was like, he's not my brother.

It was all fake.

It was all contrived.

It's like, damn, dude.

The fuck.

I watched him do it.

Yeah, it was like night after night.

I swear to God, Dong was the one going.

Yeah, cheers.

All right, man.

Yeah.

But I think the beef came when he defended his brother live on air, and Dong was like, nah, bro.

Oh, yeah.

Bruised him.

Which, understandable, Brutus.

Not going to be like, yeah, I got your back.

I got your brother's back.

Why are you like

get your brothers back there.

I know.

You just got to wait a year.

Cuomo's all about loyalty.

True.

It's the Italian way.

Very Italian.

Yeah.

Loyalty's in my blood.

Yeah.

My brother grabs ass.

I grab ass.

Allegedly.

True.

Double-allegedly.

Dot, dot, dot.

I wonder if he had dongs back when Dong went through the hot dog scandal.

I mean, he didn't.

The great dog scandal.

A great fucking Sag Harbor dong scandal.

A good weenie caper

the classic the lights went out they said who did it the lights went out who'd done it somebody grabbed my hot dog in the parlor

on a mystery night lights came back on dong was gone

oh it was you dong a dog dong don't do that

yeah man everyone's fighting man just i just want a little bit of peace man just want peace just a little bit of peace

i mean i don't know hopefully i think i'll bounce back i think it'll be uh

the tapes that's the problem though the tape's gonna get leaked too there's no way he's he also might wanted it he might leak he said leak the take yeah yeah that's the thing it's like i was almost like stop fucking filming yourself stop with the stop with the bunnies but it's also like he might have to film every encounter he has now

she was a fine wabbit but

she was a wasco

you're saying she was a fine wabbit she might have been she might have been baby of the week if under different circumstances yeah she's a little bunny

still could be i don't see you know i don't want to see that your eyes light up like that when you talk about lola bunny I know you want to fuck cartoons, dude.

Not all of them.

LaMaire, you're not alone.

Lola Bunny's so fucking hot.

Lola Bunny is unbelievably hot.

And again, they took it from us.

The woke left took that from us.

I'm a Jessica Wabbitt kind of guy.

I mean, obviously.

I'll tell you what.

I'm also back on my lib shit.

What's up?

I watched just a video today of

it was at the UFC when Trump's cabinet was there.

And they do that thing where the camera gets in front of you.

Every single one of them was like.

Trump's cab?

All the bros.

Fucking Marco Rubio was like.

It genuinely pissed me off.

They're drinking that Zucker juice, bro.

Why are they all the bros now?

They're the bros now.

They're all acting bros out.

They are on T.

That's probably

just at the fight.

I didn't know they were broing out.

I'll show you.

It's going to fucking piss you off.

You can't be a Repub after you see this.

Really?

Trump.

That's tough.

Trump still gets the big fucking ovation at the UFC, does he not?

He disrespected Cheryl Hines, too.

I saw that, yeah.

Nice Cheryl.

The bro.

Nice Cheryl at the UFC.

Hold on.

These are the bros.

Mark Ingram being funny.

Sick.

Deion Dawkins, beast.

Yeah.

Licks his wife's face.

Nice.

Beast.

Awesome.

Now, RFK keeps it classy.

That's how politicians should do it.

Yeah, true.

Uncomfortable waves.

Here's the head of the FBI.

Cash Catelle.

Gabs.

Hang Luce.

Who's that, Bull?

Marco.

Rubio.

That's Rubio.

He's definitely allegedly on T.

True.

Dude, he can't keep our cabinet doing that.

No.

They can't.

You got to keep the cabinet locked away, dude.

They should be like Supreme Courts.

They should just be justices.

I never thought of it.

Cash Catel's an Indian in the cupboard.

He truly is.

The FBI director.

Yeah, what's going on?

Fucking kidding.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe we should all take a step back, man.

Everyone needs to stay back in the fucking back.

Those guys aren't as cool as they think.

No.

The libs are probably as gay as they are being accused.

Yeah, for sure.

But

keep it classy.

RFK did the right thing.

He did.

Yeah.

Next to his next to his business.

That's what I want want to have a politician.

Yeah, just

they also all did that.

That might have been a little.

I think Patel ruined it because Tulsi's Hawaiian.

So that's probably what that was.

That's her jam.

And Patel beat her to the punch.

This could be an ancient Hindu symbol.

I don't know what to do.

They do have the best ancient symbols.

This could be an ancient Hindu symbol.

You never know.

Yeah, man.

What a week.

Yeah.

What's going on with you personally?

Going out of the macro level.

Let's go back to the micro.

I had a fun experience.

A

guy gave my girlfriend his number like right in front of me, which is pretty funny.

The hell?

But then

I got his number, so he left.

So I started texting him.

I catfished him for a while.

As long as I could.

And then I said...

And you're probably good at it, too.

I was really good.

I was about to say I could see you guys.

And then I was like, can we hang out tonight?

And he was like, I can't hang out tonight, but soon.

And I was like,

are you awake?

And he was like, yeah.

I was like, can I at least call you?

And he was like, yeah.

Called him.

I go, it's me, pussy, you dumb fuck.

You gave my girlfriend your number right in front of me, you dumb bitch.

And he was like,

dude, I didn't know.

I was trying.

Oh, my God.

So that was the other night.

That was fun.

What a beast.

I mean, I respect him too.

And he wasn't.

Now, here's the way I was looking at it because he wasn't a great looking guy.

Yeah.

He was kind of an older drunkard, which he probably saw me with her and was like, fuck it, she'll fuck anyone.

Fuck it.

I'll give this thing a shot.

Or he thought the discrepancy between me and her was so great that we were just friends sitting there.

Or he saw you chatting or I was sitting with her.

What the fuck?

He's probably just an old, drunk, horny devil.

He was a beast.

I'll give him credit for that.

There's a lot of old, drunk, horny devils like shamelessly shooting.

Yeah, he was.

I respected it.

And then

I got my gun.

I got an MPX.

Nice.

Perfect timing.

I got a gun, so that guy can come fucking find out.

Yeah, dude.

If he literally steps in your house, you could catfish him under false premises.

I know and say, come over here.

Oh, what the fuck?

But shoot him in the back as he runs out.

No, I don't want to make fun of them because the gun is awesome and it was a gift.

And it's really cool.

But they painted it.

And and it's Eagles colors with an Eagles logo by the clip.

And

they gave me a fucking Call of Duty.

They gave me a Fortnite gun.

And that

it's cool, but you know.

You should shoot in there.

Nate saw it, and me and Nate went and fired it.

It's a great gun.

Did you get to shoot it?

Yeah,

it's an awesome gun.

It shoots like it doesn't move.

You can't miss.

Yeah, so it was sick.

This outside.

You remember shooting that guy's dick when you were trying to shoot?

Wait, what?

The target.

I was blowing his dick off.

Oh, yeah.

That was crazy.

Perfect.

You can't miss fucking 20 shots straight at the dick.

You literally cannot miss.

Center grab.

That's where you got to go, dude.

Right to the center.

Yeah, that's what we were told, too.

Yeah, no, dick shots.

Dick shots are off the table.

No, bro.

Turns out that's actually a good place to shoot someone.

It's perfect.

Because you got the dick and all these arteries there.

And you know, if you shoot, you're shooting a kill, bro.

Yeah, but

if I discharge my firearm,

I'm trying to dispatch you into the next world.

For sure.

I'm not, you know, I'm not trying to find out.

He's still in the fight if he's wounded.

I'm going for his teeth.

I want to make sure he's not in the fight.

Take out the sidearm.

Yeah, you still get you.

You got to hit it right in the dick.

All right.

No dick shooting for me.

No dick shooting.

Even if someone's breaking into your house to deserve it.

You're shooting them right in the dick.

And you're going to go, oh, I'm so sorry, dude.

I didn't mean to do that to you.

But you deserved it.

But I got a gun, but they painted it.

So it's kind of a single thing.

I mean, if you do murder someone, defending your home, and then the guns, just like being the victim of the gunshot wound, and they show like an Eagle's gun on the news, the whole family, like, God fucking damn it,

shot them with a fucking Eagles gun.

And they're Cowboys fans because they're going to be down here.

They're definitely going to be Cowboys fans.

But, man, how do you feel about that?

You'd like it.

You got to do a dance after you kill somebody with a shot.

Now I have to.

Or just jump.

Just jump in the corner.

Just do like drag them in the corner.

Yeah.

I hope it doesn't happen.

I had something like that very early on when me and Brittany both came off the apps because there's always those like weird, that's that gray period where like, did you delete like Tinder yet?

Yeah, I got to delete Tinder.

And she, like, you know, she had a guy when we were first together messaged her on Snapchat.

She fell asleep.

I saw the notification go off.

I went, what the fuck?

I opened it up.

A dude did like a check out my ab shot.

And I just responded back.

I'm like, dude, what's wrong with your stomach?

Closed it out, deleted the message.

Like, fuck you, dude.

Sent him into a tizzy.

Would you have like a hernia or something?

What the fuck?

Yeah, I actually felt bad after I catfished the guy.

Nah, you do the right thing, man.

Fuck that.

I hope he knows it was all in good fun.

I mean, was it?

It was pretty.

Although I did go get up and look for him immediately.

I was like, what the fuck?

I'd be pissed, man.

Yeah.

This episode is brought to you by Spinal Tap 2.

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The long-awaited sequel to the comedy classic, This is Spinal Tap.

And it features all the original cast.

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I liked it.

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Oh, yeah, I've always enjoyed it.

Guys, if you love the original film, what did you like about it?

I liked their British accent.

That's what I liked.

Me too, man.

I just, man, like.

I just loved seeing the art form of the mockumentary really fully explored the way those guys did it.

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Christ.

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Matt, you make my life so much easier.

Bro, you make my life so it's like.

No, I mean, to be fair.

To be fair,

my life would be hell long.

I know this is Shopify ad, but bro,

it's so funny that the prompts be like, what would you guys do without each other?

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I'd be literally filling buckets of rocks in front of my dad and going, see how fucking strong I am, dad?

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I think, honestly, we might both be doing that.

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I've run into the problem when I would like go to places we went to like some kind of fucking street festival in like South Philly and like young black dudes will sometimes will see me and just be like, fuck this guy, and just it's pure, total disrespect.

And I just go total white boy crazy every time.

Yeah, full spaz.

And they're like, what the fuck, dude?

Relax.

I thought you'd be like, don't look at me.

To be fair, they're going to got this star.

You're a random old white guy walking next to her.

What the fuck?

You want to fucking fight right now?

Now they're scared of us.

True.

Now they know we're vampiros.

Irish vampires are coming to get you.

We're taking your music.

True.

Steal your French fries are on the table, too.

Oh, yeah.

Grab your fries, bro.

Hot taters.

I might grab a hot dog.

I might break in there and grab a dog if I need to.

And I would have your back.

And then shoot the dog and then go.

I'll say, what are you fucking queer?

I grabbed your dick.

Stop making me grab your dick.

Yeah, I'd have your back, too.

Yeah.

I'd fully have your back.

Wouldn't you?

You'd be some fucking dong lemon.

You're promo at heart.

Total familia, bro.

I do want to say this because people are going to be gay about me talking about sinners.

The Irish vampires might have been a little nod to Irish oppression.

What happened?

Because that's how they became vampires.

There's certain people that can play music so good that it communes with the otherworldly.

And the Irish are one of them.

So they could play the music.

Yeah.

Rocky Road to Dublin gets the evil ghouls coming.

Just so you know.

That's so funny.

Well, I was saying it's kind of strategic a little bit because they're really pushing.

There's a lot of unrest in Ireland with the immigration, but Ireland's being like, bro, we're literally an oppressed minority being displaced.

We're an oppressed country, whatever, being displaced.

Why can't we be cool?

The problem with Ireland,

they better fucking let immigrants in.

True.

What the fuck have they been up to?

They're all entire fucking immigrants.

Yeah, that's all they do.

They go,

saved up enough money, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Headed to America.

I hear they have black potatoes.

I mean, you are entering into an absolute cauldron of overt racism.

You're like an immigrant, like, I'll go to Ireland.

It's like, bro, pick another one, dude.

These guys truly don't give a fuck.

I was at a comedy show one time, like a long time ago.

It was like an open mic or showcase, and there was like Irish immigrants there.

And I was with Sid the Kid.

And as soon as Sid left, he's like, this guy will steal your shoes right off your feet.

Be careful.

And I'm like, yo, bro, relax.

No, chill.

Yeah, I did that in Dublin.

I did a joke, and I was like,

I brought up like black football teams, and the whole crowd went, went, boo.

And I was like,

we're not allowed to boo black people.

I know you guys are allowed over here because there's like six of you, but fucking chill, chill.

We're just having a piss.

They were having a piss, and

they knew it was funny, and everyone in the room knew it was funny, so everyone was laughing.

Truly the capital of funny.

Those are some funny people.

They're the funniest people.

They're funny vamps, bro.

They're the funniest vampires.

One, two, three, four, five.

On rocky road to Dublin.

That'd be nice to host a screening room.

You're gonna be scared.

You're gonna be scared of the Irish after you see this.

Rightfully so.

Oh, I mean, they are pure spazzes.

They'll spazz on you.

Yeah, they're definite spazzes.

I just, I still don't.

Ireland have the scariest spazzes.

It's yeah, we've talked about it before.

Just the through-the-gritted teeth, spat quiet spaz.

He's been looking at me all night.

Put the silencer on it.

You totally sort of fucking goes.

They do put the fucking fucking silencer on it.

I remember my aunt would do it to my cousin.

You can't poop in the basement toilet.

It's not for pooping.

It's not for pooping.

It's not for pooping.

You can poop in the basement toilet.

I told you a hundred times.

What was with the plumbing?

Because we had a toilet like that.

Like, don't shit in the basement.

I'm not.

It's so confusing.

I don't know what it is because that's like all the plumbing's right there.

You think it would like, you know, mash the turds up right into the ground or wherever plumbing goes.

But yeah, you shit in the basement toilet, toilet, man.

You got to be careful.

It's gravity.

I don't know.

We got to ask those ladies who are on the spaceship.

They probably understand physics.

Ladies from space.

I'm back on that, too.

That fired me up.

I'm getting hit with videos of Katy Perry's dumbass.

Yeah, that was, I was, uh,

I, that was like cracking me up.

The defense of it, I was watching Gail King because they got back and they're, they thought, for real, thought the world would be like my heroes.

They thought shit was sweet, dude.

They came down and literally the whole world was like, shut the fuck up.

And they were mad.

And they were like, well, just for your information, the Blue Origin mission is to get trash from Earth and send it into outer space.

So jokes on you.

And we were raising awareness.

It's like, bro, Bezos owns a fucking newspaper.

He can raise awareness.

Yeah.

He doesn't have to send.

Yeah.

Could have been in Wapo.

He could have said, I mean, dude, if he's going to try, yeah, or if he's going to really grab attention, there's other, no offense to them, dude, but there's other babes.

It'd be like me going somewhere and being like, we're just raising awareness.

they'd be like okay dude yeah that could have been sure there could have been better babes better babes better babes that's what we wanted different bunnies man they could have grabbed some different bunnies what if they just took the last six babes of the week

just launched 10 deformed ladies with huge asses

but yeah that's you know so that's jokes on us they're they're raising awareness about sending trash to outer space it's also like see how that works yeah send send the fucking trash then if you guys want to raise awareness blast trash into outer space.

That'd be sick.

And although I don't, I like, how much trash are you going to get up into outer space?

Yeah, it doesn't seem too feasible.

Yeah, like, dude, just one fucking dumpster.

You should just keep dumping in the ocean.

Fuck it.

True.

Nah, we need to get the dolphin consciousness, dude.

I have dolphin consciousness.

True.

Fully.

Did you see?

Gardini sent me a video about dolphin consciousness.

It's so good.

What about they're a bit of a Kanye?

They'll fucking suck their cousins.

Dolphins.

Dolphins will suck their cousins.

Yeah, I can't remember exactly what it was, but it was very informative.

It was just a black guy rapping about how we need dolphin consciousness because they can heal us if we have problems.

It's pretty sick.

I thought it was like a real thing.

No, it was just a sick video of a guy doing a dolphin consciousness rap.

That is good.

Just hitting you with just like pyramid faxes.

It's like, dude, fuck you.

So I'm talking.

What?

That's retard.

It's the craziest thing of all time.

Well, we're not allowed to say it.

You can go ahead.

Dude,

there's a lot, dude.

There's, you know, there's a lot about dolphins we don't understand.

Their brains are just as big as ours.

I think they might be a little bigger.

True.

All right.

Is that why they rape?

What the fuck, LeMay?

We're talking dolphins.

Dolphins rape rape.

Every animal in the fucking.

Yeah, how do you think animals mate?

Dolphins.

Although there are courting guys.

No, no, no dolphins rape guys.

Dolphins rape other male dolphins.

They all stick their dicks in their blowholes and shit.

And they take the dolphin away before they do it because they know it's bad they know it's a rapist

they know it's rape

raper like the other dolphins will take it away or like they're using their fucking that's probably a telekinesis they're like bro's about to go nuts

bro's apparently the dolphins are they're sly devils i think there's like a lady that lived with dolphins and ended up jacking them off yeah yeah there's people get a little fucking horny around well there's that whole huh

the dolphin killed itself because the lady had to leave Really?

Yeah, they found out about her jerking off the dolphin.

They reassigned her and then the dolphin just like drowned.

Yeah, John Lilly, John Lilly got like, that's pretty nice.

The dolphin drowned.

John Lilly was like...

He's just like, I'm not going back up.

Dude, he.

I'm not getting jacked off.

It's been a fucking week since I got jacked off.

I'm staying at the bottom of this tank.

Fuck it.

Fuck it.

Dude, there's that dude, John Lilly, wrote a whole book.

He got a giant grant, I think, in the 70s from like the National Institute of Health.

I think like millions of dollars.

And he just did LSD in a float tank and like fucked with dolphins and then wrote a book to like, because he had to like come come up there like give us something.

What did you find?

And he even said he admitted to it.

He's like, dude, the first hundred pages of this book are pure nonsense.

Then like in the last chapter, he wrote about how sick it was to do LSD with dolphins.

And they got, they were like, you son of a rant for that.

You son of a man.

That'd be the coolest fucking thing in the world.

I know.

Until one of them turns on you and fucking bends you over a barrel.

Those fucking dickheads.

That would be nuts if you're just like tripping so hard with dolphins.

Just like, this is amazing.

And then, yeah, you fucking.

There was a guy who claimed he would fuck the same female dolphin he would swim out and fuck this dolphin what fuck i gotta find that that was a great story yeah it's disgusting you should be executed their sonars

their sonar heals us yeah true that's the other thing and they think they're extraterrestrial

i mean dude 432 hertz stuff what do we know

what the hell do we know

Just does.

Just does that.

Bats don't.

They might.

Well, then then we need to get to that bridge in Austin.

Yeah, we got to do that.

True.

Margaret Hal Lovett was a lady who jacked off dolphins.

Jacked off the dolphins?

I think so.

Dang.

Margaret Lovat.

I think she was with Lily.

I think Lily was...

Lily had a sick...

John Lilly.

He had a sick op going on.

Peter the Dolphin.

His name was Peter the Dolphin.

Peter?

Oh, Lily was, yeah, Lily was with her.

Was with the jack off.

That was his whole operation.

The National Institute of Health gave this guy millions of dollars, and he had a lady jerking off dolphins, and he was just tripping in a flow tank, being like, I'm about to figure it out.

The dude is amazing.

I'm going to put it all together in a couple minutes.

Hey, jack off Pete again.

He's horny.

That's funny.

Let's see if Pete can tell you before he's going to come.

Is she really?

That lady jerked off the dolphins still alive.

She works at Sea World.

Yeah.

She works at SeaWorld.

No, she's like 80-something.

Dang.

She was known for living with and attempting to teach Peter, a bottlenose dolphin, to speak in the 1960s.

Part of the John C.

Lily Project.

She was trying to teach the dolphin to talk.

They taught the fucking gorilla how to do sign language.

What the fuck's a dolphin?

To talk, to speak.

It said speak, not like communicate.

I think they make a lot of different noises, so maybe they just figured they'd try it out.

That'd have been so sick if a dolphin actually talked.

I think she wanted to go, oh, fuck.

Yeah.

They're trying to teach a dolphin, I'm gonna bust.

She did eventually

Peter, being an adolescent dolphin, frequently had sexual urges.

Hold up.

She was jerking off a juvenile dolphin.

Not cool.

Not cool.

Which disrupted his lessons and taking Peter to a downstairs pool with two female dolphins proved to be a logistical issue for Lovett.

Eventually, Lovett relieved Peter's urges herself, stating, it wasn't sexual on my part.

Sensuous, perhaps.

It seemed to me that it made the bond closer, not because of the sexual activity, but because of the lack of having to keep taking breaks.

And what you said was you're saying jerking them off decreased the amount of breaks?

Do you think that would increase the breaks?

Little dolphin siestas.

That's pretty hot.

That was part of Peter.

It would just become part of what was going on, like an itch.

Just get rid of that scratch and we can be done and move on.

She's not wrong about that.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what I mean.

That's the hot part.

And it's government money well spent.

So I feel like that is a piece of knowledge a lot of people need to know.

It could just be like, you know.

Love it, might be the only cool lady on earth.

She might be the only one that understands.

It's just an itch.

Just an itch that fucking just scratched the itch, and then we can move on.

It's just an itch, man.

Then I'll go to the Charlie XCX concert.

I'm not going to the fucking Charlie XCX concert unless you scratch the itch a little.

Yeah, true.

You might get a little antsy at the XCX.

I don't fucking antsy in my pants.

XCX only saying,

I don't care.

I love it.

Love it.

Jerking dolphins.

Yeah, I love it.

She's right about that.

It's just like, dude, yeah.

I mean, that's, again, that's been my cause forever.

It's like, bro, just, I'm a machine.

You are a machine.

Just treat me like a machine.

You're a complete machine.

Every three days, I told my babe, I was like, bro, if three days passes and you haven't even just gripped me, something's wrong.

I need to be gripped.

Just check in.

Just grip me up.

Give me the animal.

How's this?

How did it come to squeeze?

Squiz.

Give me a squeeze.

Oh, man.

Matt, if you know me.

Look, guys,

if you want to make your mom happy this Mother's Day, it's simple.

Call her.

But if you want to go the extra mile, and you should, it's your mom, get her an Aura digital picture frame and send her some meaningful photos.

This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames.

This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames.

We'll just snip it up and send it in there.

They didn't say when it has to be read, Verbay.

That's true.

That's true.

So I'm a fine print guy, Matt.

True, that.

I can't wait to show my mom this picture of

me.

Me flexing

shirtless.

Oh, yeah.

From behind.

Flexing from behind, shirtless, showing my back, traps, glutes.

My mom needs to see my gains.

Close up on my glutes.

It's actually a good idea to RFrame out and send your mom befores and afters of your gains.

For sure.

She probably hasn't seen you in a while.

Go, this is what I worked on.

Yeah, man.

Wait till you've done the gains.

Don't just send her a whole before album.

Eighth grade to now, just being like, oh, such a fucking.

That's actually a great idea.

That'd be nice, yeah.

Just flexing hard.

I'm going to start taking the same picture every year.

Compile an aura frame for her.

That'd be nice.

What would you do?

What would you send to your mom?

I would send my mom a picture of me doing like male cheerleader moves.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Just like supporting Britney from underneath.

And it's also like, you know, with cheerleading, I'd hope she'd be mature enough to know that my hands are going to be.

They're going to be in there, but.

That's what it is.

but that's male cheerleading i think my mom would understand that she would understand that uh an aura frame is exactly what needs what she needs to store and display all those pictures you can even send her a picture the next time you're talking to her on the phone telling her about that game you went to there's a reason aura frame was named best digital photo frame by wirecutter that's no joke folks that was in wire cutter and featured in 495 gift guides this year what

uh plus aura has a great deal for mother's day for a limited time listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off, plus, free shipping on their best-selling Carver matte frame.

That's crazy.

That's A-U-R-A Frames.com, promo code MSSP.

Support the show by mentioning us at checkout.

Terms and conditions apply.

Mother's Day's on lock.

Also, you guys can catch me at Cobbs Comedy Club, San Francisco, California, Crest Theater, Sacramento, California, Neptune Theater, Seattle, Washington, and then Hollywood Improv, Hollywood, California.

So,

please come.

Yeah, go to ShaneMgillis.com for a ticket.

I'll be in a bunch of cities.

Goodbye.

Oh, wait, Guard Dog.

Do you have a show you'd like to promote?

Yes.

You know, to get in front of the camera, you know that.

Okay.

Would you like to join me?

Are you coming, LeMay?

Oh, Nate's not allowed.

That's interesting.

Well, Nate, do you want to come too?

To promote the shows.

Hello, everybody.

It's us, LeMaire, Sean, and Nate, and we're here to promote the Optimum Noctis.

May 6th at the Creek in the Cave, and also April 27th.

Are there any good guests?

Oh, yeah.

And also, if you're not in Austin, Texas,

please join me for a night of stand-up comedy in Philadelphia.

Because I went to the show, and it wasn't good.

I went to Optimum Noctis, and the lineup stunk, and there was 20 people in the crowd.

No, that was just, no, that's just a joke.

It seems more like an excuse for you three to go fuck off than No, that's not true.

It's the first Tuesday of every month at the Creek in the Cave.

Please join us.

And then I'll be at Philadelphia Helium on May 6th.

SeanGardini.com.

Please come.

This Sunday, April 27th, Live Panties in the Mouth.

Speak Easy.

We got a special guest.

And yeah, Panties in the Mouth.

That's it.

All right.

Sorry, guys.

God bless you.

Thank you.

You are a machine, but you're a little dinged up right now, huh?

Oh, my God, dude.

I fucking...

It's an Easter miracle that I didn't get for real.

It was an Easter miracle.

Seriously injured.

We were at an Airbnb near my parents' house.

And, dude, from a rental perspective, like insurance-wise,

shout out to them.

I like seeing people take chances, but they have a

seven-foot, six-foot, seven-foot-high

just a zip line.

The kids are doing it.

And last year, I would do it.

I'd be like, watch this.

And, you know, when you jump up.

You went to the same Airbnb last year?

Yeah, I did.

Oh, sick.

Same place.

You delay the line.

Exactly.

They have a tub full of Legos like this deep.

It was so fucking fun.

I mean, they have a piano in the first room, keyboard in the basement, guitars throughout.

It's just for all the best house.

It's awesome.

And we get on the we're doing Legos or whatever.

But they have the zip line.

And like when you do a zip line, you know, it's like, you know, pause, but you have to pull your legs all the way up.

Of course.

So

I was like, watch this, guys.

And I fucking jumped up ass first.

Dude, it'd be like standing on a six-foot ladder.

It's as high as these fucking things.

Oh, my God.

And I jumped off that, kicked my legs up, and landed flat on.

The thing just completely disconnected when I jumped off.

So I just, out of nowhere, just, it happens in an instant.

Cannonball directly on cannonball, dry cannonball onto my left ass cheek.

Thank God.

Onto moss, too, because this zip line, it's like right away, it's a soft patch of moss.

And then it's like these giant boulders that are just fixed in the ground.

Holy shit.

If I fell on the boulder, I would have broke my fucking tailbone.

If I even landed on my tailbone, I could have broken it.

So I jump off like six feet high and then land on my ass and then smash my elbow.

I did heal up.

I had some scratches on my elbow.

This was all fucked up.

And then the final was my neck just went like that.

And I was like, I broke my neck.

I totally, definitely broke my neck.

And my brother's like, dude, are you all right?

And the kids are like, oh, and my little fucking nephew was like,

so I pop up.

And I was like, it's so funny, dude.

Yeah, you know, you know, with the science, you're like, it's so funny.

Your uncle fell from the zip line.

It's so funny.

You're lucky I didn't hit the rocks.

I landed on some soft moss.

Some soft peat moss.

And then I lay, and then I got up and did

just a circular just spazz walk where I was like, just waiting for just something to like, I don't know.

I was like, dude,

this is hospital time.

Yeah.

What noise did you make when you hit the ground?

I don't remember.

It was definitely like,

it was like a out of the wind knocked out of your tight.

It was like jump.

It was a jump and then like

shocked or I was coming to like what the fuck happened I was like, oh my god, I fell got up and like you know everything kind of hurt, but I was like, I don't have to go to the hospital and my dude, my brother, even like, you know, when your brother's like,

he was like nice talking, like, are you, are you all right?

You tell how he thought he, when I finally like got to, like, came to, he was like, bro, for real, I thought you were going to be doing hey buddies at Wawa for the rest of your life.

He's like,

I, for real, was like, well, Matt's done.

Good run.

He's over.

He's fucking done.

I'm just going to stamp in Hogie or dude.

If you were in a chair, this would be a sick pod.

That would be

smarter.

True.

Then you could understand quantum physics.

I, for real, was like, I was like, it would have been Hawking.

So I would just have to Hawkings out.

You'd have to.

Or Reeves.

What did Reeves do?

Reeves didn't really get into physics.

Was it a true?

But did he fall off a horse or hit it?

He saw off a horse.

Yeah.

What happened to fucking Hawkings?

It was a degenerative disease.

Okay, so he didn't like fall.

He just got his shit got fucked up.

Yeah, bro.

I, for real, I, for a second, was like, I fucked myself up.

I broke my neck.

Something's wrong.

My, you know, my spine's fucked up.

Totally fine.

My knees, right now, the only thing still nagging me is this goddamn knee.

I think I twisted it when I went down, but other than that, dude, miraculous survival.

Yeah.

And imagine if the, dude, like, apparently, first of all, imagine if the kids fell, which some would argue, like, well, they wouldn't have because they're not 180-something pounds.

But it's like my brother, we like re-hooked it back up, and Billy was saying when you jump on it, like the thread comes out a little tiny bit at a time, and I just really accelerated.

Maybe popped out eight threads at once.

I hope they sue you for breaking the zipline.

True, I might countersue it.

Christ liked, don't sue me, dude.

I'm on the yip.

I'll settle out of court, dude.

Don't break it to the public, dude.

Release the fucking tape.

Release the full tape.

Release the fall 10 minutes.

I don't fuck for 30 seconds.

Release the tape from last year when I shredded the zipline like five times.

And then you got to like, it comes up against a tree, so you got to like kick the tree at the end.

It's fucking so tight, dude.

I literally could have sued.

It was total grounds for sue.

Yeah.

But I'm not like that, man.

No.

These guys opened their house to me, and

I shouldn't have been on the zipline.

Yeah.

Did you read the rule book in the house?

It doesn't say anything about not being on the zipline.

Oh, there's a wait limit.

It doesn't.

You've never even read the guidebook.

Oh, there's a wait limit.

I mean, dude, it was a Christ-like sacrifice on my part because if the kids fell,

you know, it was Good Friday, dude.

I thought we didn't even talk about our fucking beautiful papa.

Our Pope passed away.

I know.

Sweet, sweet Papa.

Papa's gone.

What?

I don't think that was real.

Oh, I thought.

I don't think that was a real New York Post.

Forgive me.

Somebody in our group chat posted a thing from the New York Post.

Trust me, I checked.

I was like, there's no way that's fucking real.

Do I have to be the fucking Pope?

Am I going to be the Pope?

That would be nasty.

You would make a good Pope.

Thanks, man.

I don't know what I would do first.

Just your Eagle's gun on the balcony of the Vatican.

Dude, the Green Goblin.

I was so excited when I got the Green Goblin, and I took pictures and I sent it to everybody just because I was very excited.

And then instantly started getting negative feedback.

What?

And then I realized, fuck, they're kind of right.

It is gay.

And then it took me a while to come back around and be like, nah, this gun's fucking

sick.

What was the negative feedback they're getting?

Lev Furz, fucking bitch ass.

Who?

Lev.

Do you know Lev?

You would like him.

We call him Heavy Levy.

He's a guy who ballooned during COVID.

Beast?

He was a handsome devil.

Really?

And then COVID happened.

For real, it was before and after LeMaire on the Green Bay trip.

He just beefed up.

He beefed up.

Not his fault.

Government did that to him.

Kind of.

Yeah, I mean, for real.

I wish I want to tell that story about.

It's a Lev personal story.

Yeah, true.

Making his girlfriend cry was

one of the funniest stories I've heard.

Fuck it.

I want to tell it.

I'll tell it.

I'll tell it and then text him.

And if he says no, we can edit it out.

But

he gets a lot of guff for being heavy.

And

he said one time he ate so much that he made his girlfriend cry.

And I guess, what happened, Guardog?

I think he got two foot-longs from Subway.

Yeah, they were in the middle of an argument about him having to be healthier.

Yes.

And in the middle of the fight, he had just ordered two Subway foot-longs.

And they arrived.

And arrived, and he sat down and grubbed

24 inches.

0.67 yards

of subs.

Of hoggy.

Of hoggy.

Of hoggy right in front of his babe.

Subway's buffalo chicken.

Subway rules.

Everyone tries to shit on Subway.

It's great.

Subway smell still fucks me up.

If I smell, I used to crush Subway.

Subway's great.

You know, we're all trying to get back in shape on the child predator diet back in the day.

But, dude, I used to crush their foot-long

buffalo chicken sandwich on the cheese.

Sweet on the cheese roll.

Chicken, man.

Really?

Yeah.

I would go buffalo chicken on the cheese, whatever toasted cheese roll.

And it was like, yeah, motherfucking damn it.

Yeah, I doubt Lev wants us to air that out.

Did he?

Because that's a truly devastating story.

I mean, it's a beast move.

That's frame.

He probably won't care.

That's holding frame, though.

So you're going to lose weight.

It's like, watch me eat two fucking feet of hoagies, dude.

Almost a yard.

Yeah.

It's the longest yard.

For real, the longest yard.

Your babe crying.

My dad was.

Dude, if I grubbed so hard that my woman left the room crying.

Such a damn.

We can only aspire.

Well, I still operate under the assumption that it turns women on when you eat all your food really fast.

Anytime I'm at a restaurant and I crush my plate, I'm like, yeah, I'm already done.

This lady's so horny right now.

Everyone's horny.

I just ate fucking 70,000 calories.

I don't know why.

In my head, I'm like, every time I crush, there's like a breakfast, like a, I'll get like a double breakfast where it's like a, you know, classic eggs, whatever, potatoes, bacon, and like a side dish.

Just smash both and be like, yeah, that's what I do.

Yeah, man.

Go ahead, babe.

Take this away from me.

Sorry, but you see the ring.

I don't know if you're wrong.

I think it, yeah, I guess it could.

I think it depends on the dish.

If you sit down and smash a cake, they're going to be

not too pleased.

Yeah,

that was yummy.

Oh, yeah, ice cream.

That's another one.

Yeah.

Two subway foot-longs.

That's like 150 grams of protein.

It's fucked up.

God, that makes me so hungry right now.

I know.

I am pretty hungry.

I did Decadent Weekend.

The last place I was in doing stand-up, I kept crushing pizzas.

San Antonio kept crushing pizzas before the show.

That's funny.

I couldn't stop it.

What type of Zah?

Via 313.

Detroit style.

Detroit style is fun.

Detroit style is so fucking good.

And then this is actually a bit.

This maybe could have made Bae cry.

I also got a rotisserie.

I got a rotisserie chicken while the Uber Eats was coming and just laid like a huge topping of rotisserie chicken on the pizza.

It was just crushing it backstage.

It's so good.

That would make a bae proud.

I I think so, too.

Yeah, they'd be hyped on that.

They'd be like, damn, you're definitely hitting your macros today.

Ingenuity.

He's a handyman.

I yearn for another Detroit style with the tiss on top.

Detroit style,

thick layer of tiss, man.

It's so fucking good.

It's stand-up fuel.

Lev said it's okay.

Yes.

Obvious beast.

He is a beat.

I've never seen someone that doesn't care more

about.

Yeah, I love heavy legs.

And he talks shit to everybody.

He's very funny.

Animal.

He's a nasty fuck.

I must have met this guy.

I never.

Yeah, for sure.

I'm not a native guy.

But you weren't really that much in New York.

Oh, he's a New York guy.

Yeah.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought this was a mothership, brew.

No, he's not a mothership bro.

What an animal, dude.

He's just in the big apple, which is crushed.

He became the big apple.

King Kong.

King motherfucking Kong.

It's a good group chat.

Dude, ticking out.

That's the move.

Just fully ticking out and just getting, just gaining tons of weight is the fucking move.

I was I was playing we played Halo me and him would play video games together and one night it was like 3 a.m.

We're playing Halo and he's like I'm kind of hungry.

I think I'm gonna get a chicken palm sub and I was like dude just go to bed.

Yeah.

It's 3 a.m.

Let's just go to bed.

You do not need to or you need to stay up until 5 like 4 to get that palm sub

Don't get me wrong.

I was jealous of the man's freedom.

I know true

I wish I was willing to go.

Yeah, fuck it.

Palm sub, 3 a.m.

The wake-ups.

Sober.

The wake-up's tough.

He was sober hitting these orders.

Oh, I mean, look.

He's a legend.

That's such a beast of me.

And he had a motorcycle.

Did he really gain 500 pounds?

And he drove a motorcycle.

That isn't.

That is like.

Dude, I just found out.

No, dude, we're being mean to the sweet love.

Dude, I just found out.

Apparently, that's the only time a Anaconda, or not Anaconda, Pythons.

My nephew is a bit of a snake man.

He's got a Python.

Yeah, watch that.

Yeah, dude.

Kanye's nephew is a bit of a snake man.

That was his cousin, dude.

Oh, yeah, true.

This is Just's cousin.

And

closest cousin.

He was saying, so like the Anaconda, you can like, or Python, sorry, I don't want to get, you know, I don't want to cause a stir in the reptile community, but he he was telling my brother, like, yo, you got to chill.

You can't pet them when it, when the only time a python gets aggressive, it's when it's, it's digesting its food.

Yeah.

So like when they eat and they just have this giant fucking knot.

They're going to stomach itself at that point.

Yeah, they will.

And my brother was like, dude, it'll be fine.

And the fucking thing bit my brother.

It scared the shit out of him.

That probably hurt like hell.

Yeah, he said it didn't hurt as bad as you think because they only have teeth.

Pythons have teeth in the back of their mouth, but it did leave a mark.

And he's like, bro,

it's something about a snake striking you.

He's like, I can't, can't even reach my hand.

Terrifying.

It was so scary.

So it was funny.

He was like, shut up, dude.

Watch this.

My nephew knows

he got bit by a python.

When was this?

This weekend?

It was right before I came.

What are the McCuscas doing?

Oh, we got some rep.

There's a lot of reptiles going on.

That's just scored.

Just scored the Bearded Dragon.

Bearded Dragon.

That's nice.

That's a really good score.

Bearded Dragon's nice.

You got to keep the tiles in there, get them warm.

That's a very good score.

Yeah, there's a python.

There's a little baby corn snake, bearded dragon.

Corn snake is nice.

Corn Corn snake's great.

Yeah.

I was holding the baby corn snake.

And dude, they'll like hold mice.

Bro.

Come on, dude.

Come on.

Don't hold me.

Hold the baby corn snake is.

I'm going to take that one.

I might use that tonight.

I might use that tonight with my woman.

Hold the baby corn snake.

You know what time it is?

What?

What time?

It's time to hold the baby corn snake.

The baby corn snake's hungry.

Dude, my niece and nephew will like hold dead mice and let this snake strike out of their mouths.

They're going to be out of their minds.

Bro, they're fucking fearless.

They're going to be nuts.

We have a video of it.

My niece is holding a dead mouse, and the baby corn snake goes right out of her hands.

I'm like, dude, I can't.

I'd flinch.

I'd be like Darwin in front of the glass.

Yeah.

He couldn't do it.

He would stand in front of a snake, even behind the glass, and would strike at him.

He's like, I would flinch 100% of the time.

He's like, there's something about these motherfuckers, dude.

Charles Darwin?

Yeah, he would stand in front of like a snake tank and be like, this is the day I'm just going to have nerves of steel and let it strike at me.

And he goes, I'm 0 for 100.

Every day the snake would strike and he'd go, oh.

They're scary guys.

Yeah, man.

Scary as hell.

But yeah, we got the reptiles are popping over on the compound.

It's pretty tight.

Bearded dragons.

Bro, he came down.

We had the family Easter party.

He came down with the bearded dragons on him.

Just like, yeah,

who is that?

Mac.

How old is he?

He's like six.

It's a sick flex.

That was a fucking flex for a kid.

It was a pretty sick flex.

But yeah,

Easter was sick, dude.

I kept teasing all my nieces and nephews.

They did the big Easter icon.

He's going to fucking bite his ass, too.

With the bearded dragon?

Yeah, this thing's a fucker, dude.

Dude, they're big.

Bearded dragons live till 20.

So he's got a good 14 years on this bearded dragon.

Or, you know, puberty might shake that up a little bit.

Yeah.

He might drop.

Girlfriend might come in between him and his bearded dragon.

Yeah, he might.

Yeah, he might put down the bearded dragon and try to touch another

reptile.

touch another slimy creature

the slimiest slither

bearded vagina

hopefully be carrying down a nice bearded vagina in 14 we'll be carrying it down at easter gun

carrying out a bearded vagina

lemise we could get you a bearded dragon i love a bearded dragon they don't do they like They don't like shed or nothing, right?

Damn, I didn't know they were this chill.

They're chill as hell.

They're the king of chill.

They are, dude.

They're for real.

Chill as fuck.

There's a YouTube video about Bearded Dragon.

The king of chill.

My nephew's like confused why I don't have a ton of reptiles.

He's like, bro, what the fuck are you doing?

He's like, you could have one of these, right?

Reptiles suck.

What the fuck, dude?

I swear.

Don't get me wrong.

Bearded Dragon's cool, but I mean...

I know what you mean.

I don't want a pet that's...

Nothing.

Talking about being a reptile adult.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's tricky to do.

I knew a reptile adult.

A dear friend of mine.

I think I might have talked about it.

My cousin was dating a reptile adult.

She had a giant fucking iguana.

She had a huge lizard that she would put in bed with them.

What?

Yeah.

Big dog.

You got to put that thing away when it's time to fucking smash.

No, you got to say, let the boy.

Watch.

I got absolutely...

I got totally aura-robbed by...

We fed.

There's like a little Shetland dog.

You got aura-robbed on that zip line, dude.

devastating crushed that was all your coins and then all my coins I was already zero I think I died then because I had zero coins and then we went I brought like everyone up to feed the little Shetland pony there's a little Shetland pony now that's a good animal great animal yeah Cody is 31 years old you have a 31 year old Shetland pony on the compound kicking around 31 year old shetland and a mini pony and I brought everyone up Britney was with me and we went and fed the pony and we were I was just giving it grass my uncle's like oh I got like horse feed you can dump it in the thing so we dumped horse feed in and dude this the pony was so excited its dong just came out and I was just watching my fucking wife be like oh my god and I was like dude that's the fucking dong on a shetland pony

it was it was thickums

it was thick and long

he just dropped like a fucking was not quite a cocaine cody Cody the codemaster dude Cody Rhodes Cody Cody came down bro Cody just dropped while he was eating dropped dong while eating.

As soon as he finished, it was just like sucked back in.

My wife was like, What the hell?

And I was like, Yeah,

it's glancing.

I was like, Oh my god,

flass.

Just like it was weird.

It wasn't, it wasn't bricked up, it was just dropped.

They just swollen flaccid dong.

Just that's even way more enviable.

Yeah.

And it was a Shetland, too.

It's like, bro, it's not even a full horse.

And I was just like,

not even in my dreams, bro.

This thing was crazy.

Yeah.

Just dropped like an HBO, Lord of the, just a full fucking flash dong.

Showstopper.

Yeah, total showstopper, dude.

It was my wife and her friend just like, oh my God.

And I was like, all right, guys, come on, let's go see some other parts of this place.

This is fucking bullshit.

Yeah, it's funny that men have that and women, you know, you never see like a fucking dog's pussy and go,

geez.

Pussy on the dog's wet as hell.

Things glistening.

Just a nice, just a nice buttery mini butt on it.

All right, all right.

All right.

All right.

That's good.

That's the end of the podcast.

We'll go to the Patreon.

Sanders was great, and I'm not racist.

Thank you.

That's a puffy.