Ep 555 - Roundball Rock (feat. Steve Gerben)

The wild wild west.

Yes.

Okay, let's go.

Yeah, did you see the Terrence Howard thing where he talked about how the man's like

kind of center of structural integrity is his butthole?

And he claims P.

Diddy was trying to compromise him and make him fluid.

Say, once you get, he's like, once you compromise your center of integrity, which is your butthole, you become fluid and like nothing, you get all fucked up.

Center of not physical integrity.

Oh, man.

Your manhood is.

Actual integrity.

Yeah, Yeah, he's a mathematician.

So he was saying, like, you're, like, the geometry, like, the underpinning of your structural manhood is your butthole.

Yeah.

Like, yeah.

But it's also, it's mental, too.

The center of gravity, he thinks, is your butthole.

It's your butthole.

And once you.

Which, by the way, I can't prove him wrong.

It's something to it, like, he's right again.

He was.

Terrence Howard, mathematician.

Hustle and flow.

Oh,

oh, oh.

Oh, boy.

A hustle and flow guy that's now a super genius.

Okay.

He claims, Diddy, went for his b-hole

under like the thing of like lessons.

He was giving him like, you know, acting lessons.

He said Diddy was just like looking at him wrong.

He's like, this guy's trying to fuck my ass.

Take away the geometry of my manhood.

So

what do you think about that?

Nightmare story to have to listen to.

Same to you.

You don't think he went for Terrence Howard's butthole?

But it doesn't sound like it sounds like Terrence Howard thinks that he

wanted to.

He might have.

But if there's anybody out there that might have wanted to, I would say Diddy's a prime suspect.

I can't follow what's going on because it sounds a lot of people saying he tried to fuck him in the ass.

Yeah.

But if

free Diddy, there's a lot of rumors going around that Diddy's trying to destroy men's structural integrity.

I understand those rumors.

It sounded like the way that the story was being told was that Terrence Howard

assumed it.

Right, assumed it.

Yeah.

Well, he had like a assistant that he was like, what's up with him?

He's like, oh, Diddy's trying to fuck you.

So his assistant was the one who told him, like, yo, this is what this is.

What's that guy?

Is that Mr.

Bentley?

Or what was that guy?

It just gets more complicated.

Fondsworth Bentley.

He's like, my boss is trying to fuck your ass.

Get the fuck out of here.

Run.

Go now.

That's a fair point, though.

Maybe he wasn't trying to fuck his ass.

Do you think if someone gets their ass?

Do you think if someone gets their ass fucked, it does compromise their manhood from a like it to where it like affects your posture and shit.

Like you move differently after that.

Do I think that?

No.

Really?

Yeah, no.

Do you have any proof?

I have

a counter argument.

Yeah.

Gay guys walk different.

It's true.

I think it actually helps your structural integrity.

The posture goes way up.

Yeah.

Once you get far from it.

True, you just you start wearing that sweater vest differently.

Yeah.

It starts looking way different on you.

We had a thing in grade school that, like, if, like, do you ever have it with like kids where it's like, yo, a lady's walking?

Like, if a lady walked a certain way, like, she had sex before.

Yeah, yeah.

We would just do it with all the moms, but yo, like, all the moms come to special lunch, like, yo, she definitely had sex before.

Yeah, if you walk your feet a little bit more apart, that's all you could tell.

A girl had sex.

Once again, these are tough to refute.

I, dude, I kind of hold to it.

Yeah.

If

If I see a woman go

anywhere near shoulder-width apart, I'm going, what the fuck?

What the fuck are you doing?

Yeah.

Sluts.

Your mom's here to help with pizza lunch.

Like, yo, your mom got fucked, dude.

Speaking of sluts, how about the space slots?

Dude,

how did I not know about that?

I don't know.

I think I saw it this morning, and it's been bothering me.

Yeah, that's affected me a lot.

Also, Bezos, for all of that work, he just looks like a trash man he has like the body of like a throne

he's on like billions of dollars of trt and gene therapy just to become a wop

he's transformed he's he's fully just a guy at wawa i know that's all he is that might have been the biggest attempt to get rid of your your wife ever yeah just being like i built a spaceship i'm gonna launch you up there

yeah man with gail king

yeah and it's fucked up because he'd have another another wife pretty fast.

If he blew his wife up in outer space.

Yeah, he'd have a wife before the rubble hit Earth.

Yeah, sending your wife in outer space is crazy.

But yeah, dude, I don't know.

He needs to tighten up his program.

He was probably bummed out when he saw that thing landing.

Yeah.

Fuck, I was almost out of that one.

It's also annoying because then that hits like girl consciousness.

Like, man, when you get out of space, you're like, dude, you'll never go to fucking.

Jeff took his wife to outer space.

She had a lunch with him.

Yeah,

I don't like this thing of sending ladies to space at all.

It's also not historic.

It's not like a historical.

It's not.

You did say that.

Yeah, they sent a fucking chimp.

The Russian said chimpanzee.

Sorry, ladies.

You guys missed the fucking boat.

What is that dog's name?

It was like L.

Fuck, I know that dog.

Starts with an L.

The Russian dog.

What's that dog's name?

The dog that went to space?

Yeah.

Lake?

Lake.

Space bug?

Lake.

Space doll.

Space dog.

The doll with the space on it.

It's also sad that they went to space and just did like Instagram.

Yeah.

They're sitting there going like Katie Perry is standing in front of a camera instead of looking out at the universe.

Yeah.

She's like, it's not about me.

And then she's up in space, literally staring directly into a camera.

I know.

Especially once you say it's not about me, like for the fifth time, it's like, all right, it might actually be all about you.

She's singing up there.

Yeah, she got up there and sang,

what a wonderful world.

Yeah, it's

good.

That's what we need.

Although, what kind of, is that like, is that trending on Twitter right now?

That song?

Yeah.

No, I'm saying just like going to space.

The fact that they went to space is like, yeah, I think it was pretty big.

It's pretty big.

Yeah, and I think people are more just, they have our opinion about it.

Yeah, that stunks.

They're like, that stinks.

That sucked that we did that.

Yeah, and it also, yeah, just to be like, we're going to go to space just to like, for a movement for women to take up more space.

It's like, dude, did you ever live with a woman?

They fucking, they're doing all right.

Yeah.

In terms of occupying.

Space is instantly theirs.

Yeah.

They're taking up space already.

It's like living with a mayor.

He goes, oh, the office is my room now.

All right.

Well, it's just not even a cause.

It's not a real cause.

It's like, this is for women to take up more space.

Like, what do you mean by that?

It'd be like, like, I don't know, man.

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Why ask me?

What do you think about that?

Do you think women need to be more confined?

Do you think they should be confined or occupy more space?

I don't like.

I don't like.

Come on, you can do it.

Occupy more space.

Yeah.

In what regard?

True.

True.

Tires, June 5th.

True what?

Tires, June 5th.

Oh, yeah.

Tires are June 5th.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Women need to occupy more space.

Of course.

Tires, watch tires.

They should be.

They should, if

they want to, of course.

You know, nobody wants to.

If they want to take up more space.

you don't want to confine them?

No.

You don't ever want to confine your woman?

No.

What are your thoughts on foot training?

It was a what?

Foot training.

Foot training?

Yeah.

What's that?

I don't know.

Minding their feet.

I don't support forcible foot training.

If somebody wants to foot train,

sure.

Their daughter?

No.

What if your two-year-old said, I want to foot train?

Would you say yes?

No.

why?

So, you're against trans

what if your public school teacher came and told you

your daughter wants to foot train, I would say, let's let's just wrap the foot gently, you know, like wearing a kid.

Trick them.

Did you see that software underbelly where the guy lost?

Like, he had a son, and his wife was like, Our son's a daughter.

And he's like, No, it's not.

And then she just got, she divorced him.

And then the schools are like, Yo, it's on.

The schools are going, bro.

They need to chill.

Dude, they need to chill.

I don't understand the hype up on it.

If I'm a teacher and I'm like trying to just get them to pay attention to geography, the last thing I need on my plate is like, what are we doing?

Yeah, I got that.

Yeah, but there could be a deeper, like,

you're trying to get them to pay attention to geography and they are acting up every day.

And you go, okay.

Yeah, and the girls are all being so good.

Fuck your shit up.

It's just a class.

I think they're just being lazy because girls are easier in school.

Like if you're a boy, school sucks.

If you're a girl, you're like, I actually like it.

I have all my pencils organized.

So I could,

if I was a teacher, I'd be like, we need more of these girls.

That's very true.

They tried Adderall for years.

Yeah.

You know what?

Fuck it.

The teachers are just on Adderall organizing the class.

I'm like, it'd be much more efficient if these are all women in here.

I don't see the point.

I don't see what's wrong with that.

And also, yeah, the sports.

I was on PITM yesterday.

We were talking about

Panties in the Mouth Mouth podcast.

Okay.

Premiere McClure.

Sounds like potting up your alley, doesn't it?

Yes.

You've been known to stuff some PITM.

Yeah, I love it.

Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, Panties in the Mouth's good.

He actually does.

Yeah.

Panties in the Mouth on Patreon.

What happened?

I've just been saying it for years that that's a pretty cool thing to do.

Stuff a girl's.

Yeah, if she's in it.

Stuff a girl's underpants into her mouth

if they're into it.

Yeah.

While you're poorly fucking her.

What if you're just working at their house and you see them on the floor and you're just going

which is my own?

But that's kind of

it's neck time.

Yeah,

they're about to get washed.

What does that matter?

I mean, they're about to get washed.

So, like, theoretically, you're like, say you're working at a house, like, you're doing, like, you know, you're a plumber, and you come, you go in, like, to fix the laundry machine, you just see dirty underwear.

Do you think a person has a right to be?

I could, I could gobble these.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't ask for a tip, though.

No tip.

You just

gobbled the panties when no one was looking.

No tip i also don't know if you tip even if you don't even know the woman even if i've never even seen her really so you don't even know her age they got to be pretty deep

i plead the fifth but yeah turn the mic off on that

but yeah we were we were talking about coaches starting to get competitive in women's sports and just like like how college coaches hear up like a player's good and they go and kind of scout the house yeah just like there's like a fucking fast gay kid in your neighborhood and you're like, I could get him on the girls.

Oh, yeah.

I could get him on the girls, Far City.

Fast gay kid.

You see him running like Forrest Gump in front of a truck.

People like, get out of here.

Bring the briefcase to his family's house.

You're like, let's just have dinner.

This kid could dominate.

But what are your thoughts on that kind of stuff?

On what kind of stuff?

I didn't even understand what happened over there.

And he turns into like, if she's there on a job site, what?

So, who's we're talking about how there's a thing going on right now where all of these girls are becoming boys and dominating men's sports, right?

Causing a fucking uproar.

And it's huge in the podcast sphere.

Okay.

This is what we talk about.

Yeah.

I thought, wasn't this like a year ago?

No, it still happens.

No, it was girl.

It was boys.

It was two years of us talking about boys becoming girls.

Boys becoming girls.

Now there's a lot of girls becoming boys and just cleaning up fucking boys in men's sports.

No way.

Oh, thanks for that.

That's not true.

That's Russian disinformation.

That is Russian.

That's actually Russian disinformation.

Unfortunately, this is on camera.

It's just a deep, you know, it's a deep.

Okay.

Couch.

If anybody's just listening to this, I tried to get up to get to that.

How was the masters?

That's what I'd like to talk about.

Yeah, I was the master.

How was the masters?

Well, I,

you know, really, so we should

start by saying how much I appreciate

what Shane did to get us to the masters.

Because, and I did say like a year and a half ago, I was like, if you could ever use your powers for me, I'd love to go to the masters.

And then he made that happen.

That's awesome.

And it's honestly

for in return.

Six beers.

Oh, God.

No.

I don't even want to.

By the way, everyone at the Masters had heard that.

Everywhere we went, dudes were like, how many beers has he had?

To the point where I started defending him, where I was like, guys, just leave him alone.

He's only ever one.

And then he would laugh at me because then, like, the moment guys would come up to him, I would just walk away.

And then, and then he would be like, look at him over there applying sunscreen, trying to act like.

Spray for $10.

No, not even, not even a spray.

He's a deodorant stick of sunscreen.

No, no, no.

It doesn't get all your hands.

It's fucking crazy.

You're doing like the UG from Camp Onawana.

What?

Camp Orton.

We don't shoot our heart.

What?

Did you ever see Salute Your Shorts?

What?

Did you ever see Salute Your Shorts?

The show.

No.

All right.

Hey, this honestly, it sounds like Mad Libs.

No, it's not.

It was a show on Nickelodeon when we were younger.

I didn't have cable until I was like 13.

Damn.

Yeah.

What?

We got cable, and then it was the X Games, and that was incredibly exciting.

You had to see the X Games right away.

That was the first time.

You're like a Soviet.

You got everything at once.

You turned 13, and we're like, holy shit.

Yeah.

But no,

the Masters, I didn't, so I was trying to hold my tongue.

Yeah.

Because I knew it was

big for Kirby's.

Yeah, yeah.

I just, I don't give a fuck about golf.

Yeah.

I really wanted to.

You can't see anything.

Yeah, you couldn't see a lot.

How does that work?

It comes up.

I don't know how anybody

you just like the best you could do is park up at a hole, and then you get to watch that if you can see.

And then, you know, that's like a hit on the green.

We were like a messy.

There were some awesome spots.

Like, was that six?

That was a par three.

Yeah.

That was great.

But I couldn't see anything.

Oh.

So, like, if you see those also, he can't see.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So

we did get to 16.

He was a fucking blind guy to the Masters.

He couldn't see a single thing.

I was like, it's beautiful out here.

He was like, is it?

The Ocon man last second got a ticket.

What?

Yeah, the Okanman got in with us.

Nice.

Yeah, it was a miracle.

That's awesome.

The people at CAA just were like, getting the ticket.

All right, here you go.

You can can have this.

Let's do it.

So he, you know, but he was planning on not going.

So he had already started drinking a little.

Yeah.

He was ready to lock down by himself at Hooters for the entire day, which I couldn't have been more jealous.

That's kind of nice, actually.

I could not have been more jealous.

It's also nice to be at the bar.

I'm like, my buddies are there.

Yeah, and also be like, I have to be here.

Yeah.

There's nowhere else I can get.

I just, they drop me off.

I got to stay here until the sun goes down from noon to fucking 8 p.m.

at a Hooters.

And then you can't have cell phones, which sounds great, but you like, it's almost like a movie where, you know, you're with somebody and then a bus passes and then that person's gone.

Yeah, we got lost a couple of times.

Did you really?

Yeah.

It's just 100,000 people moving around and everybody's dressed alike.

Everybody's dressed like golfers.

Every single person is dressed like a golfer.

Yeah, yeah, I figured that.

Yeah,

everyone was extremely nice.

Yeah.

Everyone was great.

The staff, everybody that worked there was awesome.

Other than the bathroom, you go in there.

That was a very different experience.

It's prison in there.

It literally became prison.

So the only black people I saw were people, the bathroom attendants.

That a second you go in the bathroom, it's like, one or two, one or two, half, two, get in there.

Like, just hurry up, go.

Yeah.

What?

And then they yelled at me because there's like a wall, walls of urinals, and I'm like walking down the, you know, the set.

And then one would open up and the guy would be like, keep going all the way to the end and then i'd try and bank again

keep going all the way to the end they just keep yelling at you until you and then they're yelling at the next person the stalls were like a cell block like

the doors would open up it was crazy yeah what the then you walk back outside and it's paradise it's the most beautiful place you've ever seen they're like hold on i'm gonna go to the bathroom yeah get the down go

why did they need that level of organization there they look it was very organized that's kind of cool yeah damn it was intense the bathroom lines were quick, though.

They were quick.

Yeah.

It was very efficient.

Yeah.

It does feel like a trick a lot of people are kind of because they're like, it's this unbelievable experience and the food's, you know, inexpensive.

Food could go fuck itself.

Yeah.

It's like, wait till you try the cheese sandwich.

It's only $1.50.

Turns out they got that price exactly right.

That thing was a dollar fucking 50 cheese sandwich.

It's soccer.

Chicken sandwich,

freezing cold.

That's so fucking funny.

I don't want to shit on the masters because it was awesome.

Yeah.

And everyone there was nice.

It would have been amazing to watch on TV.

I actually caught a bunch of it.

I was in San Antonio in the green room.

It was just on the TV.

Yeah.

Rose was dominating.

One guy got stuck in like a bush.

Did you see that?

Where you got stuck in a fucking bush and had to sit down for a while?

It was O'Connor.

O'Connor and laying down.

Yeah, we were at the 18th.

So they went into extra, I guess, playoffs at the end because it was tied.

So apparently it was, they played the 18th again and then the 10th and then the 18th.

Or just 18th, then 10 and then 18th.

So I think it was just the 18th and the day that we kept 10th.

Yeah.

Who won?

Rory.

Rory, man.

Rory.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

But

so we posted up at the 18th T-box just in case it went to an extra round and we could see them tee off.

So we were at the end.

A mile away, the guy won.

And there was like five of them.

Chris was laying on the grass farting.

And we were like, get up, dude.

He's like,

he's just rolling around.

Yeah, it was a

fucking disastrous

party because it was because Chris got hammered.

We would get lost.

Be like, where did you go?

Where did you go?

There was a lot of lost fights.

Well, we went back on the plane.

I cried.

I was right here.

Some lost fights.

He cried on the plane.

No.

I had a panic attack.

Right before takeoff, he goes, I'm going to just get a hotel here and drive.

I got to go.

No.

Sit down, Girby baby.

Yeah.

But you were so helpful, John and Chris, and then the pilot.

The pilot was very helpful.

But during his panic attack, I was like, would it help if I blast Drake?

And he's like, no.

He's just completely honest.

He's like, I fucking hate Drake and you play it all the time and you play it too loud.

Yeah, he plays it too loud.

All his music's too too loud

have you ever been in a car

it's nuts

that would that is not good for a panic attack drain for a panic attack that's why i said it to him i was like would it help you if i blast music

and you are the first like because i had a like a racist you know theory which

which was like

what

well

i mean

it was just like those just like black people take a a while to like get a car, like when you get in a car,

you know, like getting out of a car.

Sorry, it's just a thought of the thing that I thought.

That's fine.

Black people take a long time getting in and out of cars.

Yeah, it's like a lot of like rigor all.

I don't know.

And then you did it.

And I was like, what the fuck's going on?

Just start the car.

Say, we're waiting for a parking spot.

You're like, what the fuck are you doing?

What?

You're like waiting for a parking spot yourself?

No, no, no.

It's like within.

This was back when you had your Corolla.

And I didn't know how bad it was.

I'm not sure

you got in it,

and then

I got in, I buckled up.

We were going to go get coffee, and then you like take out your phone and you're like doing this.

You guys get the music going, right?

And I was like, What are you doing?

And you're like, picking a song,

let's go.

And so, anyway, it just abused me of that.

I said, Here's a white guy that does it.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, I do a lot of black stereotypes.

Think of one.

Think of one?

Yeah.

No.

One of them fiddling around in their cars is so funny.

They fiddle.

You do critique my driving.

You critique the parking.

Can you imagine me in a car in a huge shit the other day?

I would love to see you drive.

Well, you've seen me drive.

It's probably chaos.

No, but you nailed exactly the...

Because

when I drive, because, you know, with my vision, and I almost, and I know know this is going to say, I can't see.

I can,

but it's just like, I like to be doubly sure.

And you were like, you're looking way too far to, you know, like, if I'm going to pull out, I really make sure there's no people.

I gave someone a scare one time, and then I, I, you know.

So,

what music do you listen to?

The engine.

I just silence.

Yeah.

You don't listen to music in your car?

Occasionally I do.

Like what?

You know what?

I honestly don't.

It's like, you know, Pirates of the Caribbean times.

Like, I got, you know, I get here with like

what did I get here?

It's more fucking real, dude.

Yo, you got to be able to do it.

As soon as we listen to the NBA theme song,

yes.

Discover Weekly is phenomenal.

They got Disco McGraw.

What?

Your Discover Weekly is Pirates of the Caribbean and the NBA theme song.

Yeah.

And

yeah, that John Tesch song is great.

Damn, that was probably right when you got cable, too.

They were using it back then.

Yeah.

There is a YouTube channel that plays like soft jazz at all.

Just like a piano.

Yeah.

It's not bad.

Yeah.

So it's just like chill.

Yes.

Nice.

I guess coming from that, which is the whitest way on earth to drive, I probably seem black as hell in my car.

Yes.

That's you drive too white.

Quiet is nuts.

Quiet is nuts.

I'm just kidding.

What?

Silence is crazy to me in a car for the most part.

I don't think so.

I mean, I get it.

I get it.

But listening to the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song

and driving around.

No.

No.

I mean, it's just, that's not the only thing.

And like, also, like a Hanzimmer mix, but it's.

A Hanzimber mix.

You're going to tell me hot zimmer isn't amazing i i do think that's

maybe like while i'm watching a movie yeah

it is nice to be in a parking lot have like a dramatic uh like soundtrack swell like they're so they take for ever

oh no i'm gone i'm somewhere else

man you must driving in philly you must have had a tough time yeah driving because the the killer bees are out i don't know what you're talking about the bees

Shane.

But listen, but

I did have, you know,

there were some teenagers on bicycles.

And holy Toledo.

Because you know what you're coming into that?

Yes.

Were they B's or W's?

You know what they're exactly.

So you're going to the R Museum.

Oh, there were some

B's.

Bees by the arts.

Children.

Children.

It doesn't matter.

So, but, you know, but it's what it is.

And they're on their bikes.

And then, like, right is the green light, and I start going one, like, hardcore darts at the truck.

And then I'm like, whoa.

And then,

yeah.

And then I was saying to my girl, I'm like, if

he collided with the car, I'm finished.

I mean, like, because I can't stop.

It's going to be like, you're going to hit it.

It's going to be LA riots.

It's going to be over, you know.

Yeah.

Or then

I'm just going to drive and I'm going to hit and run.

So then I

was like, I would drive to a police station.

Then I start going through all that.

But yeah, it's terrifying.

Yeah, you have to turn yourself in.

Yeah.

Damn.

And I was like, I'm never driving in this city again.

I ruined that afternoon.

Yeah, you got to be careful.

That's, yeah, you can, you can get really, if you hit one of those kids, you get in a lot of trouble.

Yes.

And

like a lot of businesses could explode.

And I have, I, I'm very, like, uh, Blizz.

Like, like, I get, you know, picked on.

You get harassed.

I remember when I got candy mugged at Halloween.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The ghetto boys.

I got candy mugged.

The ghetto boys.

Dude, but I was.

I wasn't even close to Halloween.

Did you hold out the bowl?

Yeah.

No, yeah.

I learned in my lesson the hard way with that.

You can't do that.

You cannot hold out the bowl.

What happened to you?

They fucking just seized a lot of candy.

Yeah.

You got it.

You got it.

How did it go down?

I just was like, here, grab a couple.

I was like,

oh, you got to pull it down.

I'm like, boys, man.

You got to grow up in that.

And it was just.

W neighborhood, and that happened.

Oh, okay.

Still happened.

Yeah, especially if you do leave, like, take one, if you try to leave a dish outside, that gets destroyed anywhere.

How did you get mugged?

I come out.

I had a pot full, you know.

Yep.

And here you go, fellas.

Yeah, and I was like, here's some mappings.

What candy were you That's candy this year.

It was everything.

It was like, I spent the money on the candy.

Yeah, you want to.

You know, Amazon.

You're excited.

I wouldn't say I was excited.

Yeah.

I felt an obligation to do it because I think it's an awesome holiday.

And I'll see, you know, I'm new to the neighborhood.

Oh, it's an awesome holiday.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he had a backpack on, and he.

Tell me your address is Jack Sparrow.

I was dressed.

I was not dressed up.

I did wear like orange and black.

You wore orange and black?

Yeah, like, you know,

that I had in my wardrobe already.

For sure, yeah.

Yeah.

What was it?

Like an orange.

I don't remember.

Orange polo, black pants.

Don't recall.

Pumpkin suit.

What were you wearing?

I don't recall.

Did you dress your cat up?

No.

All right.

And he turned his backpack around so it was like frontways and unzipped it and started putting, and he went like, ah, ah, ah.

And then they all started doing it.

And I was like, guys, guys.

And then one cat, they took it all.

And then one kid was like, I'm sorry, bro.

And I was like,

sorry.

And then that was it.

I was out of candy.

You never had anything.

So then I had to shut off all my lights.

And then any other kids that came out, I was like, well, are they going to be pissed?

You know,

they ruined that.

That sucks.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had to run to write it.

5'9.

Anyway.

I gave a description.

220.

Yeah, I got crushed one year.

I held the bowl out and I was like, never again.

You can't do it.

Yeah,

it's big handfuls.

You got to spell, you have to grab dump in the bag.

And I said, I'm out of here.

And then I moved to the suburbs.

Anyway, just kidding.

But I did, but I did.

But

you didn't get involved.

Yeah, we talked about that.

I got involved in like a high-level crime.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yep.

That was pretty wild.

It was, yeah, terrifying.

True.

Yeah.

So the masters were good.

The masters, it was good.

I'm happy we went.

It was awesome to go.

And

again, just like you taking me was so special.

And it meant so much to me.

Just because you're special.

Well, not drinking six beers, though, was a fucking crime.

No, no.

It's not a crime.

It's not a crime.

How many would you have just one, right?

Well, I had vodka on the plane ride there because I was freaking out.

And then I had, I mean, technically at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, you turned it on during that panic attack.

Yep.

That was nice.

Oh, you guys went there and back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Got you.

So

you hit your six.

Yeah.

Alcohol affects me different.

And people that don't have that, they can't get.

I know it affects you different.

Yeah.

That's why I wanted it.

No, no.

What does it do?

It's like the hangover and all that stuff afterwards?

Like there's a point.

So like there's an hour where it feels nice.

Yeah.

And then it's just like inflammation.

So then I just start to feel like crap.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then

it's like the amount that I would have to drink to get through that is like...

No, but then I'm going to feel so bad the next day that I can't even enjoy it while it's happening.

And I'm just like, yeah.

You have an unbelievable constitution.

The fact that the next day you were like in the mood that you were in is insane.

We were having fun.

You did have fun.

No, I can be grumpy in the morning.

You weren't grumpy at all.

You woke up and you were like, hey, guys.

And then you took a shower and then you were you.

Which is nice.

Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, I can't handle the hangovers, man.

I fucking, I hate them.

No.

The Ocon man man rallied yesterday.

I thought there was no shout he was gonna be all right

He's got he's got no problem crushing pills.

I had one pill one Lorizepam because you know for fear of flying something you're not supposed to mix.

Oh oops Allegedly

you could do it is you're right.

I remember the first time I heard you say allegedly.

It killed me.

I remember like you know how when somebody said something really funny, I knew where I was standing in helium.

But anyway, uh, just in case my doctor's watching, I don't combine them.

You can,

I was gonna tell you, just take pills, and if you can't drink, just take like two larazepams and like a little bit of mushrooms and just go to the masters, right?

I mean, the move mushrooms would have rocked.

The issue here was it would have been really overwhelming, though.

Yeah, Shane was treating me.

I would have laid down when I got lost the first time.

I would have just,

but the problem was, I was trying to get their attention because I lost them.

I thought they were in front of of me when we were walking.

It turns out they just stopped next to me and I kept walking because people kept talking to me.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I was trying to find them, and I was just like standing on a hill, just trying to gain attention so they could maybe see me.

So just everyone saw me.

Yeah.

Then all of them were like, yo, bro, I'll fucking chug this beer.

I was like, God, give me the fucking beer.

It was the Georgia Bulldogs football team.

Was it really?

It was, yeah, it was the Georgia players came up, and they were the ones who got me to chug a beer.

Because because it was while I was lost, and I was like,

I'll chug it with you.

But now it's a real race against the clock for me to find these guys because I was on the cusp of being hammered.

And then we were like going search parties in different directions, and

I was going his, where he ended up where he was.

I was for real 30 yards away, just standing.

And then you took the hill,

yeah.

Then you took the hill.

Yeah.

Dang.

But we ran into JJ Watt, who is just an awesome man.

Yeah, he was a man.

Him and his boys yeah he had two high school friends or I think they were that they were I could be 100% friends with they were so nice how about that dude O'Connor was battling with oh yeah it was just a guy behind us that was a roofer from Florida that was just stuck in the middle of the back of the class yeah what was he doing just like yelling it was really funny was he yelling out uh they were just being loud and at the mass like if somebody's hitting you got to be really quiet we were right next to the green so dudes were like putting and he was like yo

dude this fucking

where are all the squirrels?

They fucking killed all the squirrels.

And O'Connor was hammered next to him, like, shut the fuck up.

Nobody fucking likes you, dude, because I'll fuck.

But the guy would be like, fuck you.

He's like, fuck you, pussy.

He didn't like the chat.

Somebody farted during a putt, which was

a former NFL quarterback.

I don't want to name him now.

He farted at the master.

Oh, my God.

It was extremely funny.

I mean, that was a fun time.

Sitting at the 16th when we were all.

Yeah, it was kids in class.

You had to be quiet, and everyone there was just like,

yeah, we got to see Rose make a putt that like brought him right back into the mix.

And then Rory comes through.

And that's the thing, though.

It's like, oh, well, what's going to happen?

But then.

Yeah, you don't know.

There's no phone, so you can't check.

You got to literally stand in front of an actual scoreboard they're putting up, which is kind of cool.

It's kind of cool.

I don't like the scoring system with golf, they gotta flip that

like negative seven wins.

It should they should just give you like 40,000 points.

That would that would make it,

yeah, it's fucking embarrassing.

Awesome shot, 25,000.

Yeah, like it's crazy to actually

talk though.

Exactly.

That's a weird thing, too.

They try to make courses longer because they're like, oh, everybody's scoring so low.

It's like, who, but they're all playing the same course.

Who cares?

Yeah.

Who cares if if it's 30 under as opposed to 10 under?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Is it true that, like, even if someone plays there and gets like 20th place, they still get like $300,000, $400,000?

Yeah.

That's kind of cool.

20th probably makes that.

Really?

Pretty easily, yeah.

That's pretty tight.

Yeah.

What's your, what do you shoot right now?

Well, my handicap's an 11-3, but it's probably going to go up because I'm making some swing changes and I'm not good.

So how does that work?

Does your handicap affect the score if you play against somebody else?

Does that like you know what I mean?

Like, if you I don't know how that system works.

It's like it's kind of a weird system, but you just it prompts me to enter it after I play around.

So I enter it.

I thought that's exactly what it was designed for.

Right.

So if you're competing.

Yeah.

Right.

Why do they call it a handicap, though?

That's what I don't understand.

I don't know.

Because it's a disability.

True.

You're handicapped by your score versus whoever you're playing.

But does that affect the score?

I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So yeah, if you got like a four and I got a five, and i had a higher handicap we'd have like the same yes okay yeah that's pretty cool i guess it keeps it somewhat fair somewhat

seems communist to me yeah it's kind of crazy actually

i like that can you get the tags if your hand if your handicap gets like high enough what's that like the parking tags you can park

you to park closer at the golf course

i got busted in a handicap spot where i where i get my wings i never i don't take up handicapped spots spots where I go to Nando's to get, they have like

wood-grilled wings.

They're so fucking good.

I should actually.

They're delicious.

But they're,

I like the only parking spots out front of it, and everywhere else is kind of busy, is like two or three giant handicapped, it's like a lane of just handicapped spots.

So I always like pop in there, grab my wings, and leave.

How many spots?

It's like three.

It's just, but it's right in front of the place.

It's in front of them.

It's like three of them at once.

Dude, it's just

all of it's handicapped.

If you want to go to Nando's and pick up an order, you want to park out front, you have to be handicapped.

Or

in front of that's valet for the hotel next to it.

And I'll pull in the valet and they're like, you can't park it right now.

So I'm like, so I'm like, fine, back into a handicapped spot.

I'm like, you made me do it.

And then I went to get my wings.

I'm like, they won't be there.

Dude, a car pulls behind me.

I'm like, no, he's handicapped.

Saw the tags.

I was like,

burning with shame.

Just hopped in my car.

That's worse than dumping.

I limped out.

I was like, dumping in the handicap?

Yeah.

And you come out and you're like, there's no chance there's a guy in a wheelchair.

Have you ever encountered?

I have.

It's devastating.

I took a family dump, the family bathroom, and I've opened that after a dump.

And there's been a family that needs to like change diaper.

Yeah, they get hit.

Those things get hit hard.

Although they're kind of rolling those family bathrooms is like, I think that's been the solution for like the trans stuff.

It's just like families or whoever.

And then you can kind of, you know, that's what I do.

Yeah.

Instead of like limping out, I'll go,

excuse me.

I'm handicapped.

I'm a family.

I'm a fucking family.

That was the only thing they could do.

It was such an insolvency.

You can't solve that problem.

Because then, if you have a just trans bathroom, you can't do that.

So it has to just be family of friends.

Just trans bathroom would be nice.

Yeah, that'd be fun.

Party.

Fun.

People would be getting in there.

Anyone could go.

And that would, bro.

Think if you hit it, you had to hit.

There's the only toilet open.

You got the walk of shame coming out.

True, I'd put my family in the family room.

Like, I'll be back.

You just hit the transfer.

But yeah, that is a, that's a, that's a thing at the airport I've seen.

I've seen people go in and crush the, the, uh, almost the family bathroom.

Yeah.

And you just see a family waiting outside.

I've done it.

And then I'm in there.

You got to just be like, I'm taking my time on this.

Yeah.

It's a lone, it's a single bathroom.

It's perfect.

You can lose yourself in there.

You can take some time.

You can look at Instagram.

You can fuck around.

Yeah.

That's taken a long time and then come out and seen two fan, like a line of family.

You just got to come out and go.

You got to come out of there and go, fuck it.

They go.

Who the fuck's my family?

Does anyone see my child?

Where's my family?

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

These days, you have to be smart with your money.

If you're going to make a big purchase, you got to make it count.

What's something you bought?

Dude, I just invested in two bug tanks.

I got two bug tanks from National Geographic.

So they got a little magnifying glass on them.

I got not one, but two.

What type of bugs are you going to put in there?

Right now, we've only gotten some roly polis.

So you can throw them in there, create their natural habitat, and you can kind of like...

I'd like to see what Roly Polis are up to.

Bro,

I catch them.

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It's really nice.

It's awesome.

I have so many roly-polies.

So yeah, I got a the bug tank's nice, man, because otherwise you had to carry them in your hand.

You ever try to carry a roly-poly in your hand?

They fucking, They're escape artists.

So, yeah, I got some bug tanks.

It's been 30 years.

I'm telling you.

Since I've tried, it's just as hard.

They skate.

So, I bought a bug light.

You got a bug light?

I got a bug zapper out there.

That's

kind of the opposite of what you're doing, but just as fun.

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You sit in the hot tub and all of a sudden,

God damn, that guy.

You get some of these big, the bugs out here are so big.

My dad's big one.

When they die, they go,

you hear him hit the fucking bug light and they go, Jesus, fuck.

God damn.

Another great investment, taking care of yourself.

You know, you're talking about these bugs.

Matt, why don't you think about yourself?

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And you do have options like BetterHelp, the help with the beta on it.

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I've had a lot of sessions where I think about myself.

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I like therapy because

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Yeah, you could just do it.

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Hey, everybody.

Dude, Dwight's.

Dude, dwipes, they rip.

But it's me, LeMaire Lee.

Please come to my shows on May 9th and May 10th at Coastal Creative in Dang, Tampa.

And May 28th, we're doing a small-time comedy heist here in Austin, Texas, at Roscoe's Comedy Club.

Please, please come.

It'll be nice.

Tell them a joke.

Give him a little taste.

A small-time comedy house.

No, dude, one of your jokes.

Like a bit.

Do a joke just so people know what they're gonna get.

Give them a little kick.

I have to find one.

Do you like a crowd work?

Do crowd work.

Where are you from?

Yeah, Philadelphia.

That's nice.

It's cool out there.

I like Philly.

What's your favorite cheese steak?

Chicken cheese.

Chicken cheese.

I mean, we should just put that out as a special notice.

Yeah, I'm excited to fly with my family tomorrow.

That's always an operation.

And Gerby.

And Gerbs, dude.

I can't believe.

Yes.

They're going to have so much fun.

Great.

I can't wait to absolutely sick both of you guys are going to scare the fuck out of Matt.

I promise I won't.

No.

First of all, no.

Yeah.

You know what you do.

Oh, if we're freaking out?

Yeah.

I won't do that.

All right, good.

Definitely not in front of kids.

They'll hold your hand.

They'll hold your hand the whole time.

Oh, that's great.

I'm not saying it bad.

I do it all the time.

I hold my hands too.

I get nervous and we land.

I'm always like, hold your father's hand now.

It makes me feel a lot better.

Oh, that's adorable.

Yeah.

But yeah, they have no idea.

They start bumping and they're just like...

But even if I was like, it was so nice having you there.

Like when you're going through something and your friends are there and like talking you through it, it was.

I was trying my best to make things worse for you.

You weren't.

You're saying that.

You know, you.

On the takeoff, I didn't know how bad it was until we left.

On the way there, it was pretty funny.

Yeah, the way there, I had it.

Shit, we're really high up.

Once I get up, I'm all right.

Yeah.

And the way that the pilot explained it to me, and I think this, this really made sense, was he's like,

you're not used to being in 3D like me.

Do South African.

Do the South African.

I really can't.

You guys can.

You can do it.

He's like, hey, Bri, is there?

Yeah.

He's like,

I can't do accents like you it's uh hey bri on you get up there

uh you know you're uh not used to being in 3d so your ear hairs are like hey this is totally destabilizing yeah and you're trying to you know for me exert control over what feels like an out of control feeling yeah you can't and then that starts to spin that derealization feeling and i'm like i feel like i'm losing my mind so that's what he's saying.

I just thought it was a nice thing for him to say, which is like it feels weird, and as it should, because you're not used to it, and your ears are telling you there's a problem, but there's no problem.

I never thought about the ear hairs.

So, your ear hairs just start getting like, What the fuck's going on?

You start to spazz.

Equilibrium, yeah, yeah, because you're suddenly back, and um,

yeah, but it again

really appreciated.

The news has not been great, no, man.

Another helicopter just exploded.

Yeah, I watched that.

I saw that one, yeah.

I don't think I'll be on a helicopter.

Dude, yeah, I don't

not a good time for helicopter charters.

No, even though I was interested to learn that you can land a helicopter with no power to the rotors.

Uh, but unfortunately, it sounds like that one they actually like lost, yeah.

The whole fucking thing fell off, yeah.

Hold on, so you're talking about if the fucking the engine dies, they can turn the rotors such that it there's enough

air being pushed through to like come down

not super soft, but you, it's not a death sentence.

Damn, it was uh, there's a YouTube channel called Smarter Every Day that did a whole thing.

This is like 10 years ago, but yeah, that's pretty cool.

It was cool.

Still not getting in one of those things, man.

I've just they've caught too much negative press.

Yeah, that last one was like, Jesus Christ, bro.

Did they hit the water?

Yeah,

poor souls.

There goes my theory.

Yeah, true.

Whole fam.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

Oh, I gotta

Damn.

Now, I'm not making fun of them because I fly a lot and I really don't want to die that way.

But

it was making me thinking about if that space shuttle with Katy Perry did explode

and her hit song was You're a firework.

It would have been good.

Yeah, man.

I mean, mean, that's

that's criminal, dude.

Sending all those babes into space is launching the babes.

That's reckless.

If they died, he couldn't it technically be like reckless endangerment?

No, he'd probably get off for sure.

He'd be all right.

Yeah, he'd get off.

He would be like, change the law.

Yeah, true, true.

For sure.

Send a bunch of chicks up.

See everybody survive up there.

Then we'll go.

Yeah, yeah.

Babes are in space space now.

That's not good.

Especially just

launch the space, babes.

Put the babes in space.

Put the babes up there.

Cool them off a little.

True.

I mean, how long do you think it takes for them to land back on Earth and slowly, like, get like their ear hairs probably slowly get back to normal?

And they're like, why are you doing it?

Why are you doing that?

Dude, think about having that over your babe.

We don't go anywhere anymore.

took you to fucking space

yeah

i didn't like the astronaut food the astronaut food sucked you were there for 10 fucking minutes what'd you eat

i was hungry

you didn't feel good because you kept me up all night with your fucking snoring

yeah that was you'd get like maybe a nice afternoon you could send your baby together.

I guarantee in the car ride home, one of them was like, Gail was being a bitch.

Gail was a fucking bitch the whole time we were in space.

She thought it was all about her.

Not that it's all about me.

Not that it's all about me, but like, let's be honest.

It was Katy Perry's trip.

Do you think that would be cool if you're Jeff Bezos and you have a wife and you send her and Katy Perry and Gail into space?

You think you actually felt anything or just like,

all right.

Yeah, it was probably just another day for that guy.

He probably woke up like, oh, fuck, I got to launch those women into space.

I don't think so.

I think he was excited.

You think so?

Yeah.

You like Jeff Bezos?

Sure.

Bezos versus Musk.

If you had to pick one, Bezos versus Musk.

Oh, geez.

I'd have to say Elon.

Do you like Elon better than Bezos?

I think, you know, I think like right now we're in a Rocky, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Why do you like Elon better than Bezos?

Bezos, it seems, is like SpaceX was before Blue Origin, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's copying his swag pretty badly on this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that, the first time they landed that Falcon booster is, that's an unbelievable video to watch.

It's so, because, you know, everybody would say you can't do it.

This is a joke, blah, blah, blah.

And then they did it, and everybody starts chanting USA.

It was like, we're back in this, yeah.

Yeah.

And yeah, to see this thing come down.

And you've been jacking off to going to Mars for years.

Okay.

I remember that.

I'll go hang out with you and Chris.

All you guys talked about was fucking Mars.

Well, yes.

Shut up about Mars.

No.

You need to worry about Halloween.

True.

You got to focus on Halloween before we can focus on Mars.

Mars bars.

Yeah.

What'd you say?

Mars bars.

Mars anymore.

Oh, man.

Damn, dude.

So what's the Falcon was

Elon's crest?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, you think he takes space more seriously because, yeah, Bezos is just buzzing out of the stratosphere.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's kind of just pulsing.

I'm sorry.

No.

Oh, there's this YouTube video.

I just found it again recently, but I loved it because when they landed two of those, there's like a guy filming it.

And just the way he says it, because you're watching him from afar.

And then as they're re-entering, the

light up to slow it down like the engines light up and so he's like two candlesticks coming down and then and then it's like you hear the sonic booms and he's like double sonic booms it's just a it's just a wild yeah it's cool yeah the guy who got to say that probably felt so cool to be like double sonic booms i got to say that into a headset around people i'd be like fuck that would be awesome we're initiating double i was down there for some space launches did you really or something oh yeah i forgot you guys oh you saw one there's nothing it's the coolest thing possible it has to be yeah It's great.

Although the last time I was there, it got rained out.

And I sat on the beach all day waiting for it.

2 p.m.

2 p.m.

launch.

I was like, I'm going to have a good buzz by

2 p.m.

It got delayed eight hours.

And I was like, that's fine.

I'm in the zone.

Like, fucking the sun's going down.

I was like, oh, shit.

Fuck that rocket.

Fucking bullshit.

And then a giant thunderstorm came.

That's cool.

It was awesome.

That's kind of cool.

Listen to fucking

Not for Whom the Belt.

Fuck it.

Listen to a Metallica song.

Doing a Thunderstorm.

Yeah.

It's kind of sick.

Yeah, it was awesome.

It was a great day.

That is awesome.

It sucks the rocket didn't launch.

Now, my family that lives there sends me rocket launches every day.

Really?

Yeah, we got another video for you.

I'm sick.

I think there was a rocket launch in San Antonio, or like it was visible from San Antonio.

Maybe it was from Houston, but yeah, the guy

like Saturday.

It's probably fucking Katy Perry.

You probably saw Katie Perry.

I think he saw Katie?

Maybe.

I don't know where they launched that thing.

I don't know.

Probably somewhere else.

Well, I don't know where the fucking they do that.

I'm sure they're all like L.A.

So maybe they maybe they just hit like fucking New Mexico or something.

Roswell.

Remember the guy who tried to prove the earth was flat and he made himself a rocket?

No.

He just fucking died.

That'd be sick if he got vindicated.

He's like, I'm falling off the edge.

Clearly, I'm coming right off the edge.

I probably didn't think that on the way down.

Yeah.

Seems pretty flat to me.

I'm about to fucking hit it.

Flat as hell.

It was in Texas.

What'd they launch?

West, Texas.

That was Katie Perry.

He saw Perry.

You saw Perry.

I didn't see it.

Oh, dang.

Yeah,

I was fucking slightly.

I think, just to take the counter,

they got guts to go up there.

That's scary.

For sure.

Who?

There's six ladies.

Those ladies.

I don't think so.

Did you know?

Not at all.

Would you go?

Yeah, easily.

Not with six ladies.

I don't know, dude.

You get up there again.

Start floating.

Space rules.

True.

Oops, sorry.

I floated right into your bus again.

I floated into all of your bus.

God damn, there's not a lot of room up here.

I keep floating right into

all of you guys' boobs the whole time.

I'd be like a Japanese pervert on the subway.

Being a pervert with zero gravity coming out someone like

oh,

whoa, I'm not used to this.

Oh, shit.

The Japanese bus porn.

Yeah, that was a good...

What?

What?

Yeah, do you know?

Do you watch Japanese bus porn?

I mean, yes.

Yeah, I do.

I do.

That's what they do.

They kind of like, I mean,

you know,

it's pre, you know.

It's not.

But they, yeah, they just, they ride the bus and they're all close and they just start like, you know, bumping Vampa J.

This whole bus rig.

I'm a bit of a closeted frauderist myself, man.

I just, I mean, you know, when you're on like the thing at the airport, it gets packed.

You're just like, hey, man,

all I can do is hold on.

Yeah, space rolls.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah, if you're, if you can do whatever you want, international orders in space, it's like it's there.

There's a mutiny on this ship, and now I'm on charge.

We're going to the moon.

True.

I'm taking the ship.

We're flying somewhere else.

Me and the space base.

We're going to start a new colony.

We're going to have to repopulate.

True.

How many times has Bezos been to space?

I don't know.

He's probably been at least like 20 times.

Also, what do you think it costs just to send those babes up in the air?

I think they said it was a million dollars.

A million bucks every time?

A minute.

A minute.

A million a minute.

Is what someone was talking about, yeah.

They don't really like, they just like float, okay?

Yeah.

They don't really go into space.

Yeah, he's just fucking around.

Blue orgy, dude.

Get out there.

He's definitely got head in space, I would imagine, basically.

You have to.

Yeah, he has.

He's definitely got a head in space.

And you got to go, I'm the first guy to ever do it.

It's like, brother, no, you're not.

True.

Who do you think did?

Neil?

Neil and Brother.

Oh, that guy brought that dog up.

Damn, you think he really...

He probably e-jacked in space.

That's tough.

Get to do the full 3D rendering of how big is my...

You can load Max and be like,

this is actually a pretty powerful show.

Please, please slurp that.

Please float over to that and slurp that.

Please slurp that out.

You got to do it.

Just for me, one time, baby.

Slurp that.

Slurp that down.

It's going to be the best moment of my life.

That'd be actually really cool.

I mean, that

guy and lady were stuck in the space station for like.

Really?

I wonder if they slurped you would you'd have to you got stranded in space it would just activate something your ear hairs would go nuts you'd be like I knew it's way worse than a hotel

yeah you definitely you'd have to if you're stuck in space somebody's slurping yeah somebody somebody's got a slurp

never mind I got a whiz actually yeah true let's take a break timeout all good oh dude I have my restaurant review nice

is

we're good huh

sick steak and beans is back i was actually doing a little research for the giant uh steak and beans yeah dude i've i didn't know there was such a thing as a mexican steakhouse

dude on yeah mexican steak i was in san antonio to

two acadors huh yeah

i mean that was my Yeah, that was my.

Oh, we are.

Yeah, we're chatting.

This is just guys chat.

Dude, Mexicans.

Have you ever been to a steakhouse?

It is always just like, you know, it's like asparagus steak.

Yeah.

Dude, I've never even thought about it.

It's like every steakhouse I've ever been to, I've been like, what if they had guacamole at the steakhouse?

And it's, dude, it's called Two Asadores in San Antonio.

And they just hand you order whatever you want, and they hand you a fucking cutting board.

It's just like salt on it.

They give you warm corn tortillas on the side, and you can get guacamole whatever you want and make yourself like 14 just steak tacos.

It's that's right up your alley.

Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It was so good.

Dude, I've never.

It was unbelievable.

So good.

So, check that out, dude.

It's a.

Is it in Austin?

Where was it?

It's in San Antonio.

It's for real my favorite place, dude.

I ate there a few days in a row.

San Antonio away.

Yeah.

San Antonio is a very rough and tumble town.

I like San Antonio.

Yeah, it's kind of cool.

That riverwalk's fucking very nice.

I didn't see it.

I was just up by the airport the entire time.

That good.

You had to go to the Alamo?

No, I didn't.

I got to check the Alamo someday.

I do got to check that out.

It's pretty sick.

I was going to threaten if the ticket sales didn't rise up.

I was going to say, you guys are going to go to the fucking Alamo.

You have to come fucking get me.

Check the Alamo.

It was bad.

You're going to have to come and get me.

It was fun.

But yeah, dude,

that shit fucking ruled.

I also liked like...

I just kind of would pop back and forth, but I kind of was really enjoying the feeling of like, I was like, I might just live in San Antonio and just kind of like, not like leave my family, but like be present, but just live in like an apartment in San Antonio.

Yeah, like being an hour away was nice.

I could pop up.

Standing outside of school sometimes.

When they go to recess, you stand by the fence.

I kind of want to do that so bad.

Just one day.

But yeah, San Antonio.

I got to, you know, kind of LARP being like a semi-distant father in San Antonio.

And it was kind of cool.

Because I was just a drive away.

So I'd pop back on Friday morning.

See you guys.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Get a nice cowboy hat.

That would have been fucking cool.

Yeah.

That would help.

If you left your family, but you dressed as a cowboy, that would somehow ease the sting.

I feel like that would help.

Yeah.

It would.

My dad's a cowboy.

My dad couldn't be here.

He's a cowboy.

My dad's at the Mexican steakhouse in San Jose.

He's at two asadores.

Also, too, I was like, I was reading the website and I was like,

every website, you know, they have like our story.

It's like, here's our story.

And it was like, it's always like the kid who's like, when I was four, my, my grandfather would have the cattle on the ranch of northern Mexico.

Yeah.

And I was like all stoked on the way there.

I was like, fucking bullshit.

They tricked me again.

It's going to be like, it's all just from restaurant depot.

It's all a bunch of bullshit.

Got there, and they're like, no, our steaks are all from Northern Mexico.

I was like, oh, fucking yes.

Because we're close enough.

Close enough to Norteños.

Yeah.

So yeah, I was eating that northern Mexican cattle.

It was nice.

It worked.

As soon as he told me that, I was like, I knew this was fucking awesome.

And the guy wears a cowboy hat.

I was trying my best to figure that out.

The what?

Cows from the north.

Fucking pocket and del Norte.

True.

You're a fucking Norteño.

What's that?

You're a fucking junkie.

You're a gringo, boy.

A gringo?

Yeah.

You're a nasty little gringo.

You can get pills for chunky.

You can move down here and start to hate the M's.

No.

You're going to have the M's on your ass.

No, no.

Let's do.

What are they up to in their cars?

Oh, you'll see.

Oh, you'll see.

The The M's.

They're tough drivers.

They test my racism.

Really?

Yeah, I've maintained for a while that the A's get a bad rap, that it's actually the B's.

Turns out the M's are right there.

I do like those little, like, do you ever see the flags people dangle from their

rearview mirrors?

They're kind of nice.

If you want to, like, really hone in, they wait, who is this cutting me off?

Like, okay.

I got some.

Venezuelan.

Like, okay, let me break this out.

Yeah, you do fly the flag.

Very pirates.

True.

You should get it.

You should get one of those for your rear view.

Yeah.

No.

Why not?

I'm not obstructing my view.

It's dangerous.

What would you hang?

Yeah, go with Jolly Roger on the back.

What's the Jolly Roger?

The pirate flag.

No, no.

No.

but uh you should get the actual Pirates of the Caribbean logo on the

you should get your car wrapped

in the Pirates of the Caribbean

if I pay for it.

Will you do that?

No,

would you, if in terms of you were living a pirate?

I just like the song,

you don't like the pirates' life at all.

No,

no, I'm not trying to be a pirate.

Yeah,

you're telling me if you wouldn't like the song pumps me up.

The song's awesome.

I listen to the song, but it doesn't matter.

It doesn't want to make you swashbuckle at all.

No.

When you listen to it.

No.

All right.

No adventures on the high seas.

You want nothing to do with it.

I'm totally honest about what I think about.

What do you think about it?

You know, being on the Japanese subway.

Sometimes I'm like drawing a pitch.

Oh,

you daydream about trying to get it.

I listen to the song and I daydream.

It's like saving people.

It's like hero shit.

It's stupid.

You listen to Pirates of the Caribbean while you're driving and daydream about being a hero.

Yes.

I can't help it.

Shane, it's my brain.

True.

Thank you.

All right.

I think you've talked about this before.

Why does that bother you?

It doesn't bother me.

I'm jealous.

I just sit there and go, I'm a fucking piece of shit.

I think those songs.

I'm going to daydream about failures.

Yeah, well, it's not that I don't have those.

I listen to the Pirates of the Caribbean and think about failures.

It's so funny.

I let everybody down.

If I was in that mental state, I would never listen to it.

I would never listen to it if I was.

You're feeling sad.

Yeah.

Did it bring you up a little, though?

No, no.

If I'm like judgmental or anything about, no.

Do you have like sad music you ever listen to when you're kind of sad?

Oh, yeah.

I'm trying to think.

Like Radiohead or something like that?

No, no, no, no.

I don't have anything.

It'd be more like

if I need to have a cry, I have like movies that I can watch.

I think we talked about this: 50-50.

50-50 got me.

What's 50-50?

There's just this scene at the end of it where he's about to go into surgery and he's just like

trying to ask the doctor questions about what the surge.

And then he just goes, Mom, and he puts his hand out.

And it just got me there.

I told this story.

I was on a first date with a girl.

We saw that movie.

Really?

I had my arm around her, and I was trying to hold in a cry so bad that I was like,

my body was shaking I was crying

I saw it I bought it and I said if I ever need to like just get a cry I'll watch that scene it's been very effective that's kind of nice yeah

can you cry while acting that's that's the thing I always think about I don't know yeah it's that's I don't know it's hard yeah I imagine that'd be like a real weird thing even if you did it right it would feel kind of weird too where you'd be like fuck I'm crying in front of all these fucking people I feel sure

I'd feel like pissed about that yeah Yeah.

That's pretty funny.

Being in like a very serious scene, being worried about like everyone here is going to think I'm a fucking pussy.

Caught, I'm not fucking crying for real.

I don't even care about the script.

I like, I can't wrap my head around that.

That's such a wild thing to be able.

I mean, I guess you could do it if you think of something sad enough, but like.

Being able to do that in front of all those people, I'm always like, I'm just like fascinated by that.

Yeah.

It's kind of nuts.

Yeah,

I don't think I could do it.

You could definitely do it.

I could.

You could definitely do it.

You downplay you at you.

So good.

Steve.

All right.

But we did really appreciate going to the Masters.

I know you did.

Yeah.

I appreciated the way you handled yourself on the flight.

Oh.

No, you did great.

I got to turn it around because I got to fly and I want to fly anyway.

So we're going to be good.

That's a cure for panic attacks.

So if you just tell one person you're having a panic attack, it does lessen it.

If you try to keep it to yourself, you're fucked.

Chris, Chain, everybody talking to me.

Yep, yeah, you can't keep it to yourself.

You'll find it.

The way they tried to get you to not be afraid of flying, I think, probably did more damage

by making you fly a Cessna with a guy.

Oh, a sample.

Well, I did that on my own.

I thought that that would, I thought that would help.

So, uh, because I was gonna go to internship in Los Angeles when I was at Drexel and I had had like a

problem flying.

So, you know, I I had to go.

I got the internship.

I had a family friend that had a

like a two-seater plane.

Yeah.

And so I asked him, Would you mind taking me up to sort of try and break me out of this?

So scary.

It was terrifying.

Yeah.

He pulled it out.

How did he go?

He pulled it out with his hands.

He was like a 55-year-old guy.

Hey, yo.

And he at the hanger, he just like puts a hook around the front wheel and is wheeling the thing out.

And I'm like, oh,

and then

I was telling him it's like one of the most embarrassing things I've ever said.

But he, so he gets it out.

He's going through his whole flight plan or whatever, checking it.

And then, you know, you can only get in through one door.

Sure.

Hey, yo.

What?

With a guy, you can only get it in through one door.

You set up a crazy end.

I know.

So the 55-year-old pulled it out.

Yeah.

Sweet man.

Sweet man.

Taster.

No.

and uh, yeah, so we just like literally like yanked it out of his shed and was like, Let's hop in this thing and fly.

He, yeah, so we go through the whole thing of like he's explaining to me what he's doing.

He's really patient.

He's, you know, there's nobody around for any clear yells out of the thing, and then we start the engine and it starts going.

And, you know, my heart, you're wearing headphones, so that's helping.

But I was like, is it going to be this loud?

And he's like, no, it's going to be louder.

And I'm like, okay.

And then we got to the, you know, he's taxiing and we get to the end of the runway and he calls out his tail sign or whatever it is.

I'm waiting for, in my head, I'm going, I'm getting out of this fucking thing.

And

he says, you know, preparing to depart, says his thing.

And then I think, oh, somebody's going to come back, give him clearance.

And then he'll, I'll say, Don,

I'm not doing this.

Have fun.

The moment he said it, he was just putting that out to like any other pilot.

Yeah, I'm going.

And he just goes.

And so then we're like, you know, this.

And then the moment we start taking off, I go, I'm doing it, Don.

I'm doing it nuts.

And he goes,

he shushed me.

And then there was like some ordinance where, because, you know, there's like, I'm really doing it nuts.

And then there's some ordinance because it was like flying right over a neighborhood.

So you had to bank at a certain degree.

So I was like, I'm doing it as a and then all of a sudden it's like

and i had these two oh man i had these two water bottles and i was just they were crushed and then i remember

you were squeezing water bottles yeah this i but i now i'm remembering another embarrassing thing i said on a flight once because this so after that then i went to florida and i was coming back to my friend and we were

sitting there and the pilot gets on and goes uh just want to let everybody know we're going going to hit some turbulence coming in.

We're going to rock and roll.

And so then

I look over.

I'm obviously petrified.

And then we start hitting some turbulence.

And my friend just starts laughing hysterically.

And I was like, you're going to laugh at your friend at a time like this?

And that's really embarrassing.

You lashed out against him the way you lashed out against Sweet Drake.

That's not my, it's my opinion.

I don't like it.

It's a totally fair opinion.

I play it a lot.

And loud.

I like my music loud, dude.

Yeah, you do.

So we're all yelling now.

Yeah.

Do you guys like the loud music on the plane?

Oh, that seemed like a bunch of no's.

Yeah, it wasn't really committal.

We like the music.

I thought you guys were B guys.

I was just trying to play that.

You said double tanks.

What the fuck did you say?

You just watched go, huh?

That guy's a bees.

Yeah, I like the loud music when I play that.

It actually calms me down.

It gets me thinking about other shit.

Yeah, I could see it kind of taking the edge off in a way.

It's just blasting.

It's just party time.

Just sucks.

If you crash, I guess you might as well be blasting music while you crash.

Yeah.

It's a difference.

See that?

I listen to him howling.

What's really happening, Dodge?

Oh,

Don.

It's really happening, Don.

How was landing?

How did Don treat you?

Landing was cool.

I mean,

it just was.

I mean, when you're watching from the cockpit.

Yeah.

And

yeah.

I mean, it was scary, but it was an interesting experience.

Yeah, that's kind of nice.

Yeah.

Those little planes are terrifying.

I would never do it again.

Yeah.

That's how I feel about skydiving.

I'm like, my wife's always like, we had to go.

I'm like, I'm never going skydiving.

Of course not.

Yeah, like, what the fuck?

Why would I do that?

She's like, it's fun.

I'm like, no, not never in my life.

No desire.

No, me neither.

Of course not.

I can't.

I just,

I'd never.

Yeah, I don't like mind heights that much, but I'm like, honest, I don't feel it.

It seems like a lot of people.

I want to jump out of the fucking plane.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, obviously, I would get nervous jumping off a plane, but it's just like, why even risk it at all?

It's indescribable.

Like, it's fine.

She's done it.

Yeah.

She loved it.

I had a friend who used to skydive.

He got licensed to do it by himself.

And he would literally smoke a blunt and jump out of a plane.

Oh, my goodness.

And then he would complain.

He's like, they're fucking saying I smell like weed.

It's fucking bullshit.

It's like, dude, it's a huge liability.

Have you high at their place jumping out of a plane?

So they're fucking really on my ass about this.

And he would give the guy who packed his parachute, he would like pay him in weed.

I'm like, not a good idea, dude.

Oh, my goodness.

He's a maniac.

But he got licensed.

He was doing it by himself, like all the time.

He loved it.

But I don't know if I'd want.

That's the one thing I would say.

I definitely want a guy strapped to my back.

Yeah.

And that once a dude on me.

Yeah.

I want a dude on me.

I for real.

I want to do.

I want a daddy in this guy.

I want a daddy.

Be like, you can do this yourself.

I'm like, nah, man.

Yeah.

I want a daddy.

Also, that way, if things go wrong, we just fully smash

on impact.

For sure.

You get to experience the hardest fucking plowing.

Oh, my God.

True.

From the fucking stratosphere.

Just your skull starts to cave in.

You're like, hold on, just give me.

Fuck, I wish I knew I liked this while I was alive.

Yeah, true.

Imagine how much of a blast you could have if you figured out you'd love that.

Getting smashed?

Yeah.

World would be your oyster.

Yeah.

Crazy.

You know what?

I wonder about too.

Actually, we'll save it for the Patreon.

Yeah, let's switch over to the Patreon.

Yes.

God bless.

Bye.

What a cliffhanger.