Ep 554 - Shane's Steak and Beanz

Wow, wow, wow, Wes.

Yes, my legs feel so smooth right now.

Why?

I don't know.

Just my skin just feels fucking.

Your skin's gluk.

I haven't sat like this, I guess, since last week with my

no, start at the beginning there.

Yeah, oh, that's good stuff.

All of my skin, yeah, that's good stuff.

That works true.

That's a good uh, I don't, I'm just saying, I'm surprised by my leg.

Usually, my legs hit my other leg, and I go, ew, get that the fuck off me.

Yeah, it's rough.

My skin's dry as shit.

My dog

Is it high right now?

I got fucked.

I was in Omaha last weekend.

I got all dried out in the cold.

Yeah.

Came back like I had that alligator skin.

But BL, I was.

Yeah, I've got it right now.

I was staring at my skin the entire meeting.

I was just having for one straight hour.

I was going, God damn, I got dry skin.

Yeah, I do that every now and again.

I can't wait.

Shane, what do you think of that?

And I go,

yeah.

For sure.

You can like see individuals.

I wasn't staring at my skin.

I know.

I've been pretty spacey today, too.

I wasn't staring at how red my face is the entire Zoom meeting, just going, Jesus Christ.

Why don't they let you do a different background?

They should let you just do a whole different face.

That way, you're not staring at your own.

I know.

I should do a cat face.

Just put the cat.

You ever see that lawyer?

It was during COVID, and an old guy had to call in for a thing, and his grandkids were fucking with the computer.

And it was like a cat.

Like, when he talked, it would talk.

And he was like, I'm not a cat.

And they're like, yeah, we know.

It's classic.

That is pretty good.

I've been fired up, dude.

There's too many skeeters.

The skeeters, Texas mosquito.

They dude, they don't hell here.

I feel bad because I know my wife gets crushed.

They don't touch me, man.

I don't know what it is.

They don't like.

Yeah.

They get me.

That sucks.

I know a couple people.

I think it's a blood type thing.

They're also just they're everywhere.

They're fucking everywhere here.

Like, they're in my house.

I tried to get in the hot tub last night.

There's 20 of them.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're around that water, too.

There's a fucking swamp back there.

Around the bayou.

Yeah, I'm down here on the bayou.

Yeah, Yeah, I don't, I'm, uh, I don't, dude, the mosquitoes, I spoke about it.

You're up on the high plains.

I'm on the high plains.

I'm in the grasslands.

I really am kind of in the grasslands, but I will say I'm battling a neon green spider right now.

It's kind of my, it's kind of my bro right now.

It's in my blueberry bush.

What's he up to?

Do you know what kind of, have you figured out?

Yeah, I did.

Dude, I did it right away.

Let me see.

I'll show you a picture of this guy.

He's pretty spooky, dude.

You got to let him chill.

I am.

Jackson, or just Jackson's going to eat it.

Bro, look at that guy.

Neon green spider.

Oh, he's great.

He's a good guy.

Looks like a little shamrock spider.

What kind of spider is that?

I forget what it's called.

At least I have my family.

I sent it to my little nephew.

He gives me my buggy.

He ID'd it.

Let me see what I got here right now.

Go hit the family chat.

Man, it's been active actually in here.

Oh, here it is.

Sphinx.

He called it a Sphinx spider.

Although, he is like seven, so he could be fucking wrong.

Yeah.

A Sphinx, he might be wrong.

Sounded like Sphinx.

Dude, I found

that you would love this book.

I found the book on Amazon.

I was sitting there.

I don't know what I was doing.

I was just like watching TV with my family, and I was like, dude, has anyone ever written a book exclusively about farts?

Like the science?

And nobody has.

I haven't seen it at least.

Like a scientific.

Yeah, like, you know, like, how, what's like, you know, how do they start?

Like, what exactly?

What are they?

What happens if you hold them in?

Like, just stuff you'd want to, like, everything you'd want to know about them, which, by the way, I don't think that book exists.

But I did find a book about this guy self-published a book on Amazon called Never Trust a Fart.

And it's six, it's six

short stories of shitting themselves.

Yes, that's awesome.

Just his like bros, their like best shit themselves story, dude.

I

was cackling, that's a great idea, it's unbelievable, and it's like the guy, the guy who wrote it, it's very like uh

I don't know how to explain it.

You know, when like um

I can't even, I honestly can't think of a way to explain it, but he just, I guess he not like uses clichés, but he uses like, and like Dale's a red blood, like any red-blooded American man has had a close brush with, you know, any like, dude, it's so people shitting themselves stories are like the best.

Dude, they hold up.

I don't know who it was.

I'm trying to remember who it was.

Do you remember the guy he shit himself on a train

and then had to throw his pants out the window of the

no one no one remembers this?

Was this somebody we know?

I feel like it's either somebody we know or a barstool guy, and I can't remember.

At least he got rid of his underwear.

Dude,

the stories I'm reading, everyone fails to ditch the shitty underwear.

One guy goes on a date, he's like in college, he's like on a date with this girl, and it's like set long ago, enough ago.

I'm sorry, who the fuck is shitting?

Who's risking a fart on a date?

Dude, this is crazy.

Everybody does the same thing.

You wait until the date's over, and then you uncork one.

He was on his way to the date, he was walking over, and it's like, Yeah, all right, right before the date, you gotta let it out.

You get back, and he was late.

He was running late, and you get enough backstory where he builds up the characters.

He's like, he was, Dale's a hardworking man.

He's working two jobs.

Any hardworking man has to eat fast food.

There's no way around it.

And his stomach was like, he uses a lot of like gurgle, gurgle, block.

And it's like, he's not these.

He's Hemingway.

Oh, dude.

Very easy.

He really is.

Short sentences, four-word sentences.

They're so good.

And it'll be like, and then he gambled.

He thought he could get away with it.

He goes, I got this one licked.

And it was like, splat.

And he just shit himself already late.

Goes into the door.

This is the first story.

I won't give away the other ones.

I've read four, and after the fourth, I'm like, I think I get it.

I started reading the next one.

I'm like, this is so fucking funny.

But he shit himself heading up to the date.

It was already late.

The girl was all made up in the dorm room with her roommate.

And he was like, oh, guys, I'm sorry.

I got to hit the bathroom.

And he took off his shitty underwear.

It was all contained.

And he saw this big window out of the dorm.

He could have thrown the shitty underwear out, try to flush it.

Underwear, the toilet backs up.

He climbed out the window, got on a tree, and just escaped.

And the girls thought he was in the bathroom the whole time.

So then after like 35 minutes, he wasn't answering.

So I called the fire department.

The fire department kicked down the door.

There was just shitty underwear floating in the toilet.

He just never talked to the girl ever again.

He was an apparition.

He literally, it was a fart demon.

He's a shit demon.

He's like, now Steve's a family man through and through.

And he's like a guy taking his family to a football game.

He shits his pants.

It's so funny, dude.

It's so funny.

I shit my pants before the Super Bowl in sixth grade.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, I was trying to cut weight.

Got vicious diarrhea from not eating or eating some crazy shit.

And then right when we got to, right when we drove the whole way to the field, I shit.

You went to the Super Bowl in sixth grade.

It was what we call the Super Bowl.

It was just

pony football.

Yeah.

And I shit.

Yeah, I was in sixth grade.

I was playing in the Super Bowl.

I was trying to cut weight for the bowl.

I thought you were just at the Super Bowl spot.

Back to the Rams, Rams Titans.

That was a sixth grade sixth grade super bowl titans weren't gonna let me play unless i cut weight no i had to i had to lose weight and i uh you're about to play in the bowl yeah i was about to play in the bowl first bowl game that was my first super bowl damn and i uh

and i shit

and then i tied a hoodie around my waist i was wearing white dude everyone was wearing white shorts

and i knew it had to have gone through it was a spurt it was a spurt and it was right when i was getting out of the car so people were just watching me walk away.

And I tied my hoodie around my waist.

Oh.

Like a fucking weirdo.

No, dude, I'm telling you, it's an archetype.

It's an act.

I mean, what else can you do?

Dude, a guy who was taking his family in,

I will spoil another story.

He was taking his family into the game.

He was like, I got to take a dump.

And he was doing like a quick walk away.

And his wife had just given him a talk about like, no, letting kids pull your finger and farting.

Like, we've got to set a better example for our kids.

And he's like, for sure.

No more of that.

For sure.

And he goes to run.

And the funniest part is every guy, the way he describes like guys getting away with it, being like, yeah, I didn't shit myself this time.

And then just being like, oh, no.

And it was like cold out, and he just tied a sweatshirt around his waist and just sat.

He like ditched his boxers, sat like that.

And it's like, his whole family, are you cold?

He's like, I'm fine.

He just had, he was contained in the mess.

Oh, man, it's a football weather.

But even him, dude, he didn't.

What would you do if you shit your pants in a parking lot?

You'd throw them somewhere else.

Yeah.

Stashed them under the driver's seat of his car.

And then his daughter, who was a teenager, has her learner's permit.

She's like, I'll drive home.

And she opens the door and everyone's like, oh, my God.

And he just kept being like, it must be a dirty diaper.

I don't know what it is.

And she reached back to pull the seat back and just hit the shitted drawers and was like,

dude, how mad the wives get in these stories?

It's so.

I sympathize with the wives.

I'd be curious.

Dude, just go throw your fucking underwear somewhere else.

Yeah, it is.

I mean, dude, Never Trust a Fart.

It might be a literary masterpiece.

So good.

Yeah, I was checked that out.

I wanted to bring it so I could just give you the passages are so funny.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

But I won't spoil it for you.

We probably got some good shit your pants stories out of this crew.

It looks like we got some bruisers in this squad.

Yeah,

Lamise, when's my laugh?

Come on, man.

I'm not a pants shitter.

You never shit your pants.

I don't really shit my pants like that.

You don't really?

And when you say you don't really, I mean, the last time I shit my pants was like sixth grade.

It's not like I really shit my pants.

Last

year, Carnivore Diet shit my pants.

By the way, as I was saying it, I realized that's a a complete lie.

We got to save the tales for the book.

True.

You should take this.

I'm going to write eight short stories of just one guy.

You've got nothing on me.

Take this as Simon Schuster.

I feel like there's guys that shit their pants a lot.

Like, didn't Del Cahlo talk about it a lot?

I think so.

Dude,

the stats on it are staggering, dude.

It's like 10% of the adult population shits themselves every couple months.

It's something insane.

I'm part of the 10%.

When's the last time you shot yourself?

i'm proud to be part of the 10 percentage you're a 10

yeah i'm a 10 percenter and i it happens so often i can't even recall like the last time really

yeah but not like turds or not yeah no one's dropping full logs it's just diarrhea i don't think i've ever dropped a full log but i've squirted out some diarrhea

probably on a monthly once i bet you guys drop i bet you guys are shitting your pants at the creek in the cave a lot when you guys are out yeah i probably have shit my pants why are you acting like this isn't you i don't shit my pants when's the last time you did or just had a messy fart that would that counts a messy fart is what we're basically we're talking about i don't i don't i don't i try not to like fart

i fart in my sleep you know this is

we'd stink fucking rooms

you can cast us out all the time

last week we stopped the podcast and he had he shit for a half an hour we don't we had to wait and he tried to go across the street that was because i was poisoned by nate again we got poisoned by nate i feel feel like you have to be poisoned a lot

you got to get poisoned a lot

no dude i'm good at holding it and like not pooing before i like i just poop before i go out except for last week except for last week last week was a shame pool what was that two breaks tried to go across the street

on the clock tried to go across the street we had a bathroom right there like no no no no you got a shit on how was it how was the episode received i feel because it was it felt yeah because it was supposed to be a patreon episode Yeah, I know.

We met him.

Me, Guard Dog, and

we let the squad down a little.

No, I don't think so.

I thought we had it.

I thought we had one.

You guys went into the fucking.

We were at Chappelle's.

We had it.

We recorded it.

The ask is.

Dude, I'm so scared of asking.

I was so.

I've asked him.

I've asked Chappelle to do so many things.

It's so honorable to be like, to go there and be like.

I'd literally rather shit in my pants than be like, hey, can you do my podcast for Chappelle?

I was there.

I was like, Dave, this is crazy.

Feel free to say no.

We got to do a podcast.

Depends when you ask him.

Yeah, true.

Yeah.

And then in the morning, you go, there's no way he's going to do that.

And then he was like, I don't want to do it.

And I was like, fair.

Fine.

And then I waited like 20 minutes.

I called him back and I was like, dude.

Dude, just do the fucking podcast.

Podcasts are big, dude.

They're like fucking kind of swaying elections.

It's not fucking.

But then we did it, and the audio is not Guard Dog's fault, but the audio is horrendous.

Maybe we'll put it out on Patreon, but it's not.

I listen to some.

The audio is.

it's just it's just an i had i was just nervous and the conversations just kind of

me

it's one of those podcasts we do where you go i'm just gonna tell him these stories i'm talking only to him yeah everybody that's listened to it has heard me tell these stories yeah 900 times but i'm just trying to talk to him i don't know that makes that makes sense i don't ended up being a dud you think so

All right.

I mean, it's also fucking sick because it's, you know, like Dave Chappelle talked about it.

But the mic was on the bar and he was just walking around.

Suppared.

So you can't really hear him.

Yeah.

They'll hop in sometimes.

That's such a sick move, though.

Yeah.

Because

he knows how mics work.

Yeah, he's very familiar with mics.

Just asking him to keep it a fist away from his face.

No one can do it.

Everyone's just like.

Literally, I'm just sitting there going, no one's going to be able to hear this.

He's just walking around.

It's such a sick move, though, to just be like, yeah, I'm going to take a fuck.

Although, maybe he's just used to being lobbed up.

Yeah, I don't know.

Should have lobbed him with the mic.

I think he rightfully doesn't

give a fuck.

He just didn't give a fuck.

And I was, you know, I was like, we're not going to film it.

There's no video.

Yeah.

You know, that's sick.

Because he's always worried about getting clipped.

Yeah, for sure.

Everything he says, someone's going to clip.

Yeah, true.

And it's like, yeah,

he was in the crossfire for a while, or the crosshairs for a while there with Netflix.

Yeah.

He made out all right.

But

yeah, I think he is every time he puts anything out.

They're on his ass.

He's back in the crosshairs.

Yeah, they're on his fucking ass.

I watched the Damon Wayne's club Shay Shay.

Yeah, and he was like saying how, you know, he's like, he was basically saying he's like, Dave was the only one out of our group who just kept doing it.

He goes, I can't do it anymore.

He's like, if I do it, he's like, I can't say all those guys, Steve Harvey, they want to, they're like, if I did a special right now, it would just ruin my whole life.

It's like, just do it, dude.

Do it, Steve.

Yeah.

Do it.

Fucking do it.

We actually talked about that.

We talked about Steve Harvey for a little.

Did you realize how great he is?

He is the man.

Yeah.

Although he got a lot of people, people like the shit on Harvey, dude.

He's the man.

His morning show is so fucking good.

I love his morning show.

I didn't even know he had one.

A morning show?

Dude, he's at the biggest morning radio show.

He's at one of the biggest morning radio shows of all time.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

What is it?

What's it called?

Steve Harvey the Morning.

Steve Harvey in the Morning?

Is it on the radio?

It's on the radio.

It's on like, yeah, it's on like FM radio.

But it's like, it's like syndicated.

Dude, he's got like, he's the radio god, dude.

Steve Harvey in the morning?

Where was that?

Is it still on?

WDS.

It's on like old.

Like, you know, there's like Power 99, like young black people.

He's on old black people radio.

WDSF, WDSF.

I never had access to old black people radio.

It's fucking sick.

It's all, it's like four songs.

Central PA did not even close.

It was just, I mean, I remember being excited when we got pop.

Yeah, for real.

We had country the whole time, and it was like, I didn't like it.

Dude, WDSL.

We had classic rock, though.

It's Brian McKnight 40,000 times a day.

And then it's that one guy who goes, I can't stop loving you.

That plays a thousand times.

And then it's just Steve Harvey all morning.

It's two songs and Steve Harvey.

Steve Harvey rules.

Yeah, he does rule.

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Club Shayshay, man.

How long can it go, dude?

I think he's trying to recapture the Cat Williams episode, but like,

because you can tell he wants the beef, dude.

He wants, nobody wants all the smoke.

He has to do club Shea Shay.

I was wondering about that.

When's it coming?

I didn't, I'm not, I haven't done that.

I have to do Shay Shay.

I'm just going to say my friend Matt's a Hollywood pedophile.

That's all I'm going to do.

He's going to go, what?

I'm going to say, yeah.

I'm talking about that.

You got to do Shay Shea.

No, I just, I would, I would love to.

Whenever I'm, hopefully I can be in town for it.

Where is, where's he?

Where is Shay Shay?

I don't know.

They were talking about doing it in Vegas at one point.

Damn.

But I don't know where it is.

Me either.

It's probably L.A.

or Atlanta.

I was

thinking hot.

Yeah, where do they film Shay Shea?

Yeah,

I've been chilling.

I'm in Atlanta.

I can probably get in there.

Bro.

I'll go Full Cat Wayne.

You got it.

L.A.?

Yeah.

Damn, Shay Shay would be sick.

I don't head out L.A.

way very often.

You got to do it.

I noticed Andrew Schultz was in, he did like a lot.

He did this one podcast where he had like, it was like him versus like him just versus like four black dudes, and they're trying to attack him for, I don't know if that was a whole thing.

Oh, it was Ryan Clark.

Who was that?

Ryan Clark.

He's actually the man.

Yeah.

He's lib, but he's a good bro.

He's a good bro.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They were, they were trying to get him and he was like, dude, you've literally had people, because that thing he said about like, he's like, you literally have people on your beating black women.

He's like, well, we pressed him on it, but you know, they asked edited it, so we let them.

That was pretty smart of him.

It was funny, though, doing it, but just watching him do do battle, just black podcast battle is like, it's pretty sick.

Schultz will go in.

He did.

He fully did.

It was pretty fun to watch.

Because I was following it loosely and I was like, damn, they're fucking really giving it to us.

It's tough to go in there and battle.

I mean, but if you have, he had the, you know,

Trump coming to a black podcast and battling is nuts, dude.

Yeah, dude.

You get me on the Breakfast Club or any of these, I'm going to be like, fucking, yeah, I hate racism.

Fucking Trump racist piece of shit.

I like, That's the funniest first thing.

Obviously, I hate racism.

Like, we didn't ask you any questions.

Jane, I hate racism.

And, yeah, Kamal Harris was great.

Although, they could goad you into an epic white spaz.

That show is designed to evoke crazy white spazzles.

I don't think they would get me to spazz, but I think they would get me to finally be like,

What you're saying is wrong.

They'll bring the lady.

That lady who zooms in is designed.

She's like an agent crafted to perfectly.

It's not Angela Yee, is it?

No, who is it?

No, it's just this lady who zooms in.

They bring her in for run.

She's in a bottle like Ramaswamy.

Ramaswamy eats her lunch.

They always have Ramaswamy, and he fucks her up.

To be fair, she has, to be fair, she's arguing with zero facts, which is impressive.

She just cuts off.

She just cuts cuts off and just goes like does the classic like now that i was answering my question you're like yeah well obviously you're like okay that's all i gotta say you're like what the fuck

argue with zero facts

come on man what she does i've watched like four interviews it's like it's

the view

you tell me ladies argue with zero facts

True, that kind of is their thing.

Fuck you.

They're just nothing but Doctor Strange portals the whole time.

You're like, wait a second, how the fuck did we get to this subject?

Where am I?

But yeah, that's that was that was kind of my week at YouTube.

How was fucking?

How was

I a great week?

Yeah, how was the

Chappelle's was fucking awesome?

It sounded sick as hell.

The first night, some members of Wu-Tang were there and performed.

That's awesome.

And then

we got to hang Talib Kuali was up there.

That was good.

Nice.

Sick?

It was awesome.

I mean, it was the whole time.

And Guard Dog and I brought Guard Dog and James came the next day.

And,

you know, rightfully, they were nervous to be like, holy shit, we're going to hang out with Dave Chappelle.

I was telling them the whole time, I was like, wait till you meet this guy.

He's literally the nicest.

Yeah.

Dude, man.

Two people have truly stunned me.

Louis C.K., I was like, whatever.

He was like, I couldn't think.

I was like, holy fuck, dude.

And then

when you did that show in the garden, I was just in the same room as Dave Chappelle.

And as soon as he was like, how you doing?

I was like, oh, fuck.

Completely blanked out.

I was like, dude, whatever.

I'm pretty normal, pretty natural.

I just added added a third to the people that have stunned me.

Caitlin Clark, dude.

Caitlin Clark was at the show.

I don't know if she was a fan or her boyfriend or I don't know who she, you know, but

before the show, we were in Indianapolis on Saturday and we were like, this is the house that Caitlin Clark built.

We were talking about the Pacers Arena.

And then

we were at lunch and I was like, it'd be fucking sick if Caitlin Clark came to the show.

That'd be nice.

Yeah, it'd be awesome.

And I was like pacing back and forth between the show and the green room.

And then I just, Caitlin Clark walked that's just where she paces

do you want to hang out in the green room

she was like yeah sure what yeah

and i walked in and i was like

also james brought his friend

james brought his friend to fly back with us to austin who was a priest okay which is great he was awesome but i did have a priest in the green room it was me big j who Soder was making fun of looks like my goth stylist

and my road priest.

Road priest?

Having to explain to people, like, I don't bring a priest all the time.

Caitlin Clark, I don't bring a chaplain on the road.

Kind of the move, though.

But yeah, she was one I was like,

got me a little.

If you start moving like a military platoon, like you have like a chaplain, you have a cook.

Chaplain.

Cook.

Goth stylist.

Dude, you had Caitlin Clark a priest.

That's like a, it sounds like a bar joke.

It's like an Australian, a priest, and Caitlin Clark walked into a green room.

Green room and watched me play UFC.

you should have had either Nada LeMaire just walk by her and go

space invader that'd be a sick space invaders

battle

black ladies

yeah I

that's cool I had another good invite to the green room which was very fun so in Columbus

Right before we were leaving the green room, a bunch of the Columbus Blue Jackets' wives came back to say hi.

So it was literally just four professional athletes' wives came walking back.

Literally, first thing I said, I was like, what are you guys doing here?

Because there were no husbands for sure.

It was literally just four beautiful women.

And I was like, what?

Can I help you?

I was like, for real, what are you guys doing here?

And they're like,

can we get a picture?

I was like, yeah.

And then I was trying to be polite, but it looked like I was being a sex pervert.

So I was like, do you guys want to, there's drinks in there if you guys want to hang out.

And they're like, no, we're all.

I was like, there's if you want, you can hang out.

And then I walked away, like,

probably looks like a fucking psycho.

It's being hospitable.

I know, I know, but when it's four hot ladies and you're like, do you guys want to hang out in the green room?

You guys want some alcohol?

There's alcohol in there.

If you guys need anything, I got it.

You know, yeah.

There's chicken tenders and nachos and Bud Light if you guys want it.

You know, typical hot lady stuff.

We got an Xbox and chicken fingers.

Where were their hubbies?

I don't know.

Maybe they were on the road.

Maybe the blue jackets, they were probably in a way game.

Oh, I got what you're saying.

So they weren't like out, like, you know, they were not there for them.

They were rained out of some shit.

Dang.

So they were not there at all.

That was a Biggie Smalls reference.

What was it?

What I said must have been rained out.

Biggie Smalls with a rain out?

Yeah, nothing.

It's a song he sings about fucking an NBA player's wife.

Oh, Jesus.

And then the NBA player comes home.

I'm like, what happened?

He's like, I don't know.

She must have been rained out or something.

Which one?

He's like, now you're showing your true hands.

You're just talking about refreshment, cool refreshments.

And now you're like, yeah, fucking this.

Yeah, the players are gone and the wives.

And the wags, when the players are gone, the wags

will play.

The wags will play.

The wags of Columbus will come play.

Then they saw her like, damn, he has the queen babe of, he has the queen babe of the Midwest here.

No, that was the the next night.

That was Indianapolis.

Oh, that's Indianapolis.

Yeah, in the house that Caitlin built.

I forgot you're the aviator, dude.

You're, but you're jumping.

Yeah, jumped.

So you were in.

How long did they hang?

They just came back to peek on you?

Like, what was up?

That's not on you.

You literally just came back for a picture and then left.

But I was, yeah.

It was just one of those things where I was like, do you guys want to hang out?

Yeah.

Like, no, we have to leave.

And I was like, you could hang out.

Could hang out.

There's a giant couch right there.

It'd be nice to.

Dang, dudes.

Who are the blue jackets?

NHL.

I got you.

NHL.

That sounds like a sick name, though, because it's for the Union.

Is that what it is?

Civil War, yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

What do they change it from?

The gray jackets?

Well,

that was the Atlanta team, and they got canceled.

So they're the blue jackets.

They're the Union blue jackets.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Yeah, it's like a cannon as a logo.

It's pretty tight.

I think they actually have like a pretend yellow jacket.

Like a wasp that's blue.

That's wonderful.

I thought it was some sort of B reference.

I was like, I got to get up on my fucking B's.

I was like, what kind of, what kind of,

what's a blue bag?

I was trying to imagine like a blue B.

I was like, I don't know if I know about that.

Damn, that sounds like a good weekend.

Great weekend.

Very chill weekend.

Got to take a LeMaire, you'll like it.

We went to St.

Elmo's Steakhouse in Indianapolis.

And the whole time, I was like, I can't wait till these guys get this fucking cocktail sauce.

Yeah, the horse is devastating.

I was like, I cannot wait.

And then the waiter comes over and I was like, don't, you know, don't spoil it.

He was like, it's the hottest cocktail sauce in the world.

And I was like, That was what I was talking about.

I tried it when I was there.

Guard Dog cowarded out,

admit you coward it out.

It's not that, dude, it cowards one though, and we kept being like, All right, dude, get it for real.

We've all done it.

Like, I got it and almost died, yeah.

And then Guard Dog took a big one, and I was like, All right, this is it.

As soon as he picks it up, 90% falls off.

He's like, What?

I did it.

And everybody at the table, everyone at the table gave you guff.

He ashed the shrimp.

And now he's going to.

Yeah, he asked me.

And dude, I was

so six or seven shrimps.

You did have a lot, but you kept not putting the cocktail sauce on it.

No, it was on it.

You were glad you got it.

You would just take some off, and then you'd eat it and go, I'm Zendini.

It doesn't affect me.

Oh, it goes, yeah, because you're not doing it.

You got to scoop it.

I had a lot.

It hurt my belly really bad.

Everyone in the squad got sick.

I was fine.

I was like, this is, I was born in this darkness.

I don't like horseradish.

It just like hits your nose and then goes away.

It was so yummy.

It was so good.

I don't like it, man.

I like habanero.

I like peppers.

I went to St.

Elmo's and just kind of like bothered them.

I was like, I just want to have the shrimp thing.

And I ate that and left upon your recommendation.

Eating the whole thing, and that's tough.

Who was I with?

Maybe.

I think it was, was that an Indy?

Yes, that was a place where we went there.

I had one of those.

Yeah, those were nuts.

Yeah.

Not for me.

Yeah, it'll fuck you up.

Good for the scientists.

It's great for the scientists.

Me and Lemise went to town on them.

We had about two hours.

Me and Lemise went nuts on them.

Then I went to the airport the next day, and there's one there, and I ate some at the airport.

I ate some before departure at like 11 a.m.

I was like,

and it had, it's one of those like where the where the restaurant's like basically in the walkway.

Like there's just a tiny fence separating you.

So people were just walking by at 11 a.m.

I'm like

fuck

just going back for it.

Just kept going for it.

I don't know.

Horserash doesn't fuck my stomach up.

Yeah, I don't know.

I was probably

just goes away right away.

It does.

That's what I'm saying.

And it doesn't affect me.

Like, if I eat like really spicy food, that can fuck you up.

Oh, for sure.

But yeah, that stuff, I mean, to ash a shrimp of cockyow sauce.

That's disrespectful.

It's crazy.

It's not crazy.

I think the last time you did it, it was a mistake, but a big glob fell off.

And everyone at the table noticed.

And I would scoop it with the crackers.

But with the crackers, it's easier.

That's what the crackers are there for.

That's fair.

I mean, you, and then bragging while you were doing it, saying you're Zendini.

Oh, yeah, this is nothing to me.

I'm Zendini.

What's that website where you can order food?

Yeah, I hate how Zen.

What's like the Uber Eats where you can send a dish from across the country?

Say Golden House or something?

Gold Belly.

We got a Gold Belly.

What is that?

It's Goldbell.

What is this?

This is a behind-the-mediation of the business.

I'm just finding out about a lot of rich things.

I'm just finding out about rich things.

I just found about auctions that you can buy from people's estates.

I told you about the OJ Sears.

Oh, estate sales are sweet.

I bought a bunch of the OJ gear.

I didn't tell you this.

I thought you were talking about estate sales on the corner where you can just go to a dead guy's house and buy his chair.

No, not like a yard sale, like a garage sale.

No, like literally like OJ Simpson's estates.

What?

Auctioned a bunch of his stuff.

I got it.

You got some of his stuff?

What'd you get?

The other glove?

They were up for sale.

What?

There was a couple sets with gloves.

I did not get them.

I got all of his ties, though.

You got O.J.

Simpson's ties?

I got his tie collection.

Dude, if you wear his ties and gold belly.

I'm just going to wear his ties.

Yeah, exactly.

And now I've got to find out what this gold belly is.

I can ship that stuff to my house.

Yes.

You can get food from anywhere.

Anywhere, bro.

Anywhere.

I think it's like frozen, though.

It's frozen.

That would be easy.

It's fine if it's shrimps.

Scrimps would be easy.

would just, all you need is the sauce.

You could get like a cheese steak from Philadelphia.

I'll probably stick with Chipotle bowls.

Yeah, yeah, true.

I was talking to

I was talking to like one of our friends, and they were, he was, he was putting me on to gold belly a couple months ago, and he's like, dude, we were going to get this cake made out of donuts.

And he's like, tell me all the shit he was going to get.

And then, like, within the next, we like changed topics.

He's like, dude, they're telling me I have fucking high blood pressure.

It's like, it's probably just genetics on it.

It's like, dude, it could be a donut cake.

You had somebody fly to your house.

It was killing me.

He's like, yeah, I mean, it's just, you know, we can't really do anything about it.

It's like, bro, you're scheming across, you're like trafficking fucking donut cakes.

Such a sick move, though, to be like, bro, it's out of my hands.

I don't know.

But anyway, this gold belly after you.

I'm going to get a cheesesteak from Philadelphia sent to my house.

That's another one.

Yeah, I'm fully against this.

Yeah.

You do got to make.

They send you a cheesesteak is the easiest.

What's that ice?

Like dry ice or whatever.

And then you just take it out and put it all ingredients put together and you make it.

Have you ever gold bellied?

Yeah, gold bellied this shit I saw on Top Chef.

It was like cheeseburger dumplings.

It was fire.

It was fire.

Gold bellying is so funny.

Yeah.

It's like price.

It was like 60 bucks.

Nothing crazy.

It's like FedEx next day delivery with dry ice, basically.

Basically.

It's like Uber East prices.

Yeah.

You just have to make it.

The fact you got to cook it kind of pisses me off.

I think they're fibbing.

Huh?

I think they're fibbing.

You You think it's just?

Yeah.

I think they're fibbing.

What do you think it's fibbing about?

Oh, you think they're like you're getting a cheese stack?

It's like an Uber Eats ghost kitchen.

Yeah, it's probably a ghost kitchen that sends it to your house with dry ice.

It was good.

Like the sauce was, it tasted high end.

It was just worrying about the dry ice was the next part.

I didn't know what to do with a box of dry ice.

Throw it out myself.

I should have thrown it in the hummus encampment.

Well, no,

this was back in Jersey.

I got this to eat.

That tried it years ago.

Damn,

you were on the frontier of Goldbelly.

Yeah, yeah, OG Goldbelly.

I think I saw like an ad four watson top ship.

Yeah, I heard about this and it was cracking me up to be like, dude, I don't know.

I think it just takes all the joy out of it.

It's like, you know, especially if you want something.

Yeah.

If I want a cheesesteak from Philadelphia and then it just sits in dry ice and I have to assemble it myself, it's like,

you know, deuce, just fucking go take a walk, man.

Go outside.

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

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What's something you bought?

Dude, I just invested in two bug tanks.

I got two bug tanks from National Geographic.

So they got a little magnifying glass on them.

I got not one, but two.

What type of bugs are you going to put in there?

Right now, we've only gotten some roly-polies.

So you can throw them in there, create their natural habitat, and you can kind of like...

I'd like to see what Roly Polis are up to.

Bro, I got...

I catch them.

I catch like, me and my daughters catch like four Roly Polies a day and put them in my garden.

It's really nice.

It's awesome.

I have so many roly poles.

So, yeah, I got a the bug tank's nice, man, because otherwise you got to carry them in your hand.

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They're escape artists.

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I'm telling you.

Since I've tried.

It's just as hard.

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I bought a bug light.

You got a bug light?

I got a bug zapper out there.

That's

kind of the opposite of what you're doing, but just as fun.

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You sit in the hot tub and all of a sudden,

god damn that guy you get some of these big the bugs out here so big my dad's big one they die they go

you hear him hit the fucking bug light and they go jesus

god damn

another great investment taking care of yourself you know you're talking about these bugs

matt why don't you think about yourself traditional therapy can get crazy expensive though like between a hundred and two hundred fifty dollars a month or more or something like that therapy is worth it though and you do have options like better BetterHelp, the help with the beta on it.

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I've had a lot of sessions where I think about myself.

Yeah.

Take care of myself.

I like therapy because

I've benefited from therapy.

Yeah, I think it's nice.

I think it's a nice thing to do.

Everyone could learn something from therapy.

Yeah, you can just do it.

Because it teaches you positive coping skills.

Like how dumb your family is.

And set boundaries.

You're doomed.

Yeah, basically you get on a Zoom call and you talk about how dumb your family is.

H.

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Hello, everybody.

Pardon the interruption.

This is Sean Gardini.

I just wanted to let you know that Matt McCusker will be performing in San Antonio this weekend, Thursday through Saturday, April 10th through April 12th, at the LOL Comedy Club.

That's short for laugh out loud.

Matt McCusker will be in San Antonio this weekend.

If you want to get tickets, go to MattMcCusker.com.

Also, I, Sean Gardini, will be at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on May 6th.

It's coming up, so please get tickets if you can.

I, Sean Gardini, will be at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia on May 6th.

I'm coming back to Philadelphia.

All of our friends will be there.

It'll be a nice time.

And that's a Gardini guarantee.

So please, if you want to come to those shows, get tickets at SeanGardini.com.

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Thank you.

And lastly, Shane Gillis will be in Cleveland, Ohio, and Washington, D.C.

this weekend.

Tickets for those shows, if they're not sold out, are available at Shane Mgillis.com.

Thank you for your time.

Pardon the interruption.

Now, let's get back to the show.

But yeah, I don't really, I don't hanker for stuff like that.

I could honestly eat the same thing every day and be fine.

Give me a few, give me five.

Maybe I'm.

Chipotle mole.

You should gold belly chipotle from Philly.

Ooh, maybe get the worst Chipotle.

I only want Chipotle made by black teenagers with

disdain

i want hate in every scoop

you order extra guac and it comes back it's that much you go perfect

i'm furious what's this jess romaine perfect i didn't ask for that

that's so funny can you guys

marinate can you guys acknowledge what you've what you've done to our chipotle what what what you're Hold on.

You guys put a lot on us.

All right.

We get a lot of guff.

The way we took Rock and Roll and ruined it?

Can you guys admit you took Chipotle from us and absolutely nosedived it?

To be fair, hold on.

Let the true, true, chill, true.

Come on.

It's not the black people.

This is Hispanics.

No, I'll say this.

I'll say that.

You're out of your mind.

I'm not going to blame.

She got your passing the ball.

What?

Wait, have you ever tried to go?

You're going to pass the buck on back of the house?

I can guarantee it's front of the house.

They got caught being racist.

Your bully got caught being racist.

Like, what?

What are they just doing?

The portions.

They were being racist with the portions.

Yes.

What?

They're giving the honkies small portions?

Yes.

I swear to God.

I don't know.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that.

I didn't need an article or a court case.

I lived it.

I lived it.

And I had a march.

I arranged a march.

We did Selma across the

bridge by 30th Street Station in Philadelphia.

Yeah.

ERC resume testing investigation finds racial disparities at Chipotle restaurants.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, bro.

You guys took from us,

dude.

You took Chipotle.

That's such a small lick.

No, that's

Chipotle.

Sorry, Constance.

I'm going to be fair.

This is not about Porsches.

It's about there being way more white managers at Chipotle.

I take that back.

Hold on.

You saw that article and we're like, I know it's about Porsche.

I swear to God, I saw.

I swear to God, I saw.

Matt, I believe you 100%.

They definitely fuck us on the Portions.

Dude, maybe it's not Chipotle, but I swear to God, one of those build your own things came under investigation because they were giving white people less portions.

I swear to God.

I swear to God.

You head into

Chipotle, Sweet Green in Philly.

God bless.

Good luck, dude.

What do you mean?

They're going to fuck you in your face.

You're going to stand there and go, I got extra chicken.

They're going to go.

Yeah.

There's one more piece.

Oh, I would mad dog them and go, make a triple then.

And just be like, let's get the meat going.

I also, I'm not bragging, but if it's like a slightly older fat black lady, I can definitely massage some extra portions.

I'm pretty good at it.

I'm pretty good at going, oh, God bless you.

On the first one, you go, God bless you.

Oh, that, oh man, God bless you.

Then they'll hit you.

Can I get double?

They hit you with double.

You go, oh, my God, you're the best.

Thank you so much.

Because

I face discrimination as well while at the other side of the counter and being like, you know, now I really got to, you know, you got to sing and dance for them to get your portion.

That's what a white man has to do to get a portion.

It's like a jungle stuff.

Can a white man get his macros?

I don't know if a white man gets his fucking protein.

I really hope I got this right about Chipotle.

Chip is Chipotle, dude.

I know.

Sweet green's crazy.

Dude, it's like a teaspoon of it.

Don't order sweet green.

Don't worry.

You got to go in the building to get it.

I've ordered sweet green and gotten just lettuce.

Yeah.

I go in, I go to sweet green, I have the white panthers behind me.

Yeah, the white panthers come in.

Just filming.

Sorry, they're not called the White Panthers.

I should die.

They're not called the White Panthers.

I didn't even think about that.

I didn't even think about that.

I forgot we already had a group.

I forgot.

Although, do we even have a group anymore?

I don't think we even have that many groups anymore.

I'm going to get sitting and going to Chipotle.

I'm gonna fucking sit at the bar and go, I'm not leaving.

I'm gonna get bit by a dog

at a Chipotle.

You're gonna get bit by like a fucking fat gender studies major.

Actually, you think that's better.

I swear to God, this is true.

I gotta call Spud.

Spud told me about this.

Oh, man.

He's a member of the White Panthers.

The White Panther body.

God damn it, dude.

Anyways,

still not accountable.

What?

I didn't get one apology out of you guys from the LeMaire.

I want it from LeMaire.

Le Maire is the most stubborn.

He's a mule.

He's a donkey.

He's just a little donkey.

Dude, I gotta say,

most recently, the most recent Chipotle's I've been has been

has been full of honks.

Those are good Chipotles.

I don't know, man.

What was that, Nate?

He said they're pretty good Chipotles.

I'm pretty sure Lad Heavy, though.

Lad Heavy is great, of course.

Chipotle faced a viral backlash in a shareholder lawsuit over inconsistent portion sizes at his restaurants.

I do remember that.

They were getting in trouble for the the portions.

That was one of the few news stories I've followed.

Oh, Chipotle's in the news.

Yeah, so every once in a while, Chipotle will be in the news for like a, is it E.

coli or Ebola?

Oh, dude.

E.

coli outbreak.

And I go, I'm going today.

You got to buy low.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I go, they're going to have a, you got to buy the dip on this pola.

That's true.

They're going to be dishing out the portions.

Yep.

And then you go in after holding them down through the whole E.

coli outbreak and being like, How are you rewarded?

Yeah, I was here the whole time.

Mm-hmm.

You hit with a half a ladle of meat.

You go, bro, look me in the eye.

Look me in the eye with that half of me.

Are you going to fuck me?

If you're going to fuck me, look me in the eye.

If you're going to ash the ladle, dude.

Worse than ashing the shrimp.

When they go like that, it's like, bro, why?

Why?

I know.

Is it your chicken?

Are you taking it?

Yeah, half of this is fucking fucking chicken.

Half of this is soybeans anyway.

Just fucking give me all of that.

Yeah, their pork was apparently, for a while, I believe they had like

their chicken had soy for some, I don't know, maybe it was like this sauce or something, but the pork was just pure.

The carnitas was so good, and that's a lot of times you got to eye the meat levels too and go, oh, steak's looking a little low.

I don't see that guy working on it in the back.

Let me get the chicken because I got to ration out the steak.

You know, you do got to, you got to move around there, too.

But I feel your pain.

How do you feel about kava?

I don't, dude, that's crazy.

I can't believe you're about to be against kava.

I think it's all right.

It's so good.

I think it's all right.

I don't.

Oh, man.

I'm getting Kava.

I'm going to order Kava right now.

That is White Rebellion against Chipotle to order Kava.

How about some hummus?

What do you think?

You know what?

Keep your fucking ball.

I'm going to Kava right now.

What was it?

You have something negative to say about Kava?

Kava's just like poop, poop, poop fuel.

That's what all foods are.

But Kava's like, it like speeds it up.

That's great.

You don't like dropping a kava pile?

A kava pile?

Yeah.

Build a a great pyramid?

Kava's not bad.

That's what if I'm near my parents' house and I got an Uber Eats, I'll get a kava

because they don't, I don't, I don't think they had the Chipotle near them.

But Kava's all right.

I just, I don't know, man.

Something about their hummus I don't really fucks with.

Hummus has been sitting.

Kava Hummus has been chilling.

Yeah, especially when they hummus, too.

I think hummus can chill.

It can, but it's just like, I don't know.

Something about it.

I don't, I don't love kava.

I like the hot hummus they have there.

Yes, that stuff is good.

I always get that.

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Just build your own balls.

Dude, I actually had a million-dollar idea about restaurants.

Have you considered starting a viral, like just like a chain restaurant?

I have not.

Dude, I don't want to get into any bar or restaurant bullshit.

Dude, you're talking about like you're calling Wahlburgers fucking bullshit, dude?

How dare you?

Apparently, Wahlbergers is good.

Wahlbergers fucking rule.

Wahlburgers was my spot, dude.

But

I was thinking instead of Shake Shack, you start a restaurant that it's only standing counters and it's just the thinnest, shitty steaks.

So it's like instead of a burger, you get a thin, like six-ounce steak and beans, and there's no, it's only cold beers.

Cold beers are the only refreshment.

If you're a girl, you can have white cloths.

Not bad.

Yeah.

You do a fast food steakhouse of just stand-on and eat steaks on a counter and eat beans and drink beer.

Yeah.

Sick.

I'm interested.

Not bad.

I'm interested.

What's it called?

Steak and beans.

It's called steak and beans.

No, but it would be Shane Gillis present steak and beans.

Steak and beans.

Oh, you're talking about this strictly my diet?

Yeah.

Is that what you're actually doing?

Steak, beans, and beer, and you stand at the counter and eat it.

And then you, and then every, everything a big, there'd be a little razzle-dazzle where we just put like a, get some like crazy, like a Lambo in every parking lot, parked crooked, and then you go, everyone, yo, like, people working there, like, yo, Shane's actually upstairs.

He's upstairs, just taking a nap.

If you wait, he'll be down to eat steak and beans.

He personally bad.

And then go back upstairs.

That'd be kind of sick, though.

He's like the corner of like 23rd and Samson in Philly, just like Shake Shack.

But you walk in, it's just all people standing, ice-cold lagers.

Where in Philly?

Like right where Shake Shack is, that, like, like 22nd in Samson, like a corner.

But it's just, you go, it's fast, no bullshit.

It's just steak, and there's like two or three types of beans.

And it's like, you ever have steak at like a Mexican restaurant?

Yeah, it's like, and it's not like the primest cut, it's just like a fucking thin, yeah, just like almost gray, just the shittiest,

very bad steak.

Sometimes, though, it can be good, yeah, but yeah, it's like cafeteria, burger, yeah,

you can do the Salisbury, you can do the Salisbury, Salisbury steak,

Salisbury steak, and beans.

I thought about beans last week, did you really?

Kind of beans,

Baked beans.

Beans.

You guys can laugh all you want, dude.

Beans.

Baked beans rock, dude.

You don't understand this.

I ate those beans so you all could run, dude.

I was in Philly eating beans, and now look at us.

We made it off the beans, dude.

Trust me.

Tell you, dude, stay in the business.

We wouldn't be here without Bush's baked beans from my parents' house that I drove two hours to get

and drove back to Philly with a grocery bag of baked beans and chunky soup.

It's going to be the new margarita though, dude.

Steak and beans.

You should.

Delicacy could be some chunky soup.

Oh,

dang, just like a serve yourself ladle of some chunky.

Bro, just nothing but diarrhea.

Yeah, you're going to get diarrhea.

It's actually like a cleanse.

Oh, that was also since steak.

And also, you don't get to play, but we do have Xbox there.

We're going to hire another big guy to just play Xbox.

Go like Disney Rollers animatronic, like that like the Chuck E Cheese.

Just a guy playing Xbox.

That's gay.

That's gay.

Nice kids.

True, you can use AI to hear stuff that's like slightly saused and just like an animatronic, like Chuck E.

Cheese type.

It's like, that's actually very gay.

Back to the game.

Yeah.

We get the whole band, though.

We can get all the boys in the middle.

Live stream your seasons where you're playing and they just broadcast it.

The fucking animatronic.

I do like the Chuck E.

Cheese animatronic, though, of these three coming out.

You on the flute, animatronic, Matt on the flute, you three in the back playing keyboards and shit.

Telling me, bro, it's a million-dollar idea.

It is.

You fucking eat

steak and beans.

Chain steak and beans.

Ice cold beer.

The coldest beer allowed by law.

Don't talk about that.

I'm talking borderline slushy.

Don't talk about that.

I get brewskies tomorrow.

I'm trying to say off the brewskis.

I gotta wait until tomorrow.

And I know I got a six-pack of BL's in that fridge.

Oh, man.

Where are you going tomorrow?

I got to go Pittsburgh way.

I got a long-ass fucking week.

I got to go to Pittsburgh.

And then I'm going to stay in Pittsburgh Thursday, Cleveland, Friday, D.C.

Saturday.

And then Sunday, I'm going to go to the Masters.

What?

Yes.

That'll be sick.

And

they gave me one extra ticket.

And they were like, my manager was like, you should take Gerbin.

He loves golf.

I was like.

That hang is going to suck dick.

And I called him.

I called him, dude because he loves golf so I called him and I was like bro I got us tickets to the masters on Sunday which is that's the day yeah and he was like oh my god

I was like all you have to do is drink six beers that's fair and he was practicing and he was like I can't do it what I just I can't I don't know what the delivery can't do

he does drink he's just a little fuck what

everybody I talks to like yeah Gerbin was wrecked I saw him like that fucking asshole won't drink with me.

Why?

He does every single time.

He always drinks with me.

Yeah, you're going to get it.

But he's always a little reluctant baby.

Yeah,

I can't do it with you, Shane.

I thought he was drinking two beers a night.

He was drinking three Bud Lights and watching the Phillies.

That was last baseball season.

I'm sure this baseball season, especially the Phills, are off to a risk.

What's going on with him?

He's just being a baby.

He just does that.

It's like his nature.

Yeah.

To be like, I'll take you to the masters if you drink a six pack of light beer throughout the day.

It's like six hours.

Yeah, it's not that bad.

It's nothing.

Yeah.

And he's like, I just can't and i don't want to bring you down i know you're gonna have fun on the trip and uh he's got it i was like you have one hour to respond and i hung up

and then he never responded so i was like you're coming i got you the ticket that's so funny

that's so funny so me and girby babies at the masters i know outfits oh yeah you can't i had to buy yeah i can't wait you can't wear this what do you got to wear like a polo like a you gotta kind of wear yeah you gotta i just gotta find pants yeah that aren't jeans go to the dicks I'll go to dicks sporting goods.

Get some golf pants from dicks.

Damn.

I ordered a bunch of Under Armour golf gear, but I hope it's not skin tight because

I'm not wearing tight pants and walking around all day in fucking Georgia.

I didn't even think about it from that angle.

Yeah.

When you said the masters, I didn't think you'd maybe be walking around in tight pants in Georgia the whole time.

Yeah.

I think it'll actually be nice weather, though.

Probably.

Can you look that up?

Yeah, check that out.

Augusta weather Sunday.

Oh, dude, just having that, just having that loom over the Gerbzo all day of just the eyes.

He's going to be so easy.

I'm going to make sure I ruin this experience.

I'm bringing him there to ruin the Masters.

69.

Oh, that's going to be perfect.

That's good fucking steak and beans weather, honestly.

I'm going to treat myself to some steak and beans down Augusta Way.

I mean, you might as well take the shot.

Do you think I'm not eating beans at the Masters and then hitting a fucking Irish space shuttle?

Did you hear Billy and Spot talking about your dad used to call poor potties Irish space shuttles?

Irish space shuttles is so fucking funny.

Boy, I bet the Masters has good shuttles.

Oh, probably.

They probably got those trailers.

Yeah, they probably got the trailers.

Oh, I know, though.

It's a lot of fucking people out there.

Yeah, you're right.

People get wrecked at the Masters.

Isn't that supposed to be like...

I would imagine, dude?

Dude, golfers are no offense to them, but total degenerates.

For sure.

So they're going to be, yeah, people are going to be getting fucking hammered.

But

I'm sure they are.

But I feel like that's the one.

It's like.

I don't know if it's going to be like Kentucky Derby where everyone just gets dressed up and gets fucking obliterated.

Yeah.

Golfers, this is mecca.

This is like a genuine.

True.

But in honor to order or honor

the golf gods, you do get wrecked, but I'm sure they're very strict about it there.

What'd they say?

This says you're allowed to drink, of course, at the Masters, but it couldn't be more opposite than the waste management invitational.

Yeah, the waste management is intentionally, you just get fucked up.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's awesome.

They build like a stadium around the course.

And they just get fucking.

Like, they build like big stands.

Oh, like NASCAR-looking thing?

Kind of, yeah, on certain holes.

I think the 17th.

I think the 17th at the waste management.

What's the waste management thing?

That's just like a tournament?

It's just a PGA tournament in Phoenix.

Dang.

Yeah.

People go nuts there.

People get probably quiet.

I mean, dude, those like scotch and sodas are probably going around.

You'll see a lot of red cases.

Yeah.

Towards the end of it, people are going to be probably pretty shitty.

But you got to be quiet.

That's the problem.

So you can't.

Yeah, it's not fucking shitty.

Steve, drink a fucking beer.

You fucking pussy.

And do you move?

Like, if you're the crowd at the masters, you're just going to be able to.

Yeah, you got to walk around, yeah.

Hold a hole.

Some people post up.

Yeah.

You get a good spot at a hole.

Just chill.

Just chill.

I don't know how you don't get fucking obliterated at this thing.

You're just sitting outside in a beautiful area.

Yeah.

Just waiting for another golfer to come by.

Bro, I'm telling you, to sit, just stand there all day, not even watching, but waiting for golf, it'd be insane.

Yeah, I think I don't give a fuck about golf.

Yeah.

It's fun to be there and play.

It'll be cool watching people that good at it from like a

shoot from a close range.

That'll be really sick.

Kirby's going to be...

He'll be in heaven.

He's going to be in heaven.

I heard he's got the golf.

Doesn't he have the indoor golf set up?

Yeah.

It's so fucking fun.

He's spent his entire money on a sick indoor golf thing in his garage.

The video of him practicing is so funny.

Him losing his club into the trees.

One time we were at the bar and he was like, he just, he's always, he's one of those guys that once he started playing golf, it's the only fucking thing he he talks about.

Yeah, literally, it's the only thing he talks about at all times.

And uh, we're at the bar, and he was like, Could you put on the uh

tournament?

And they're like, uh, sure.

So we're just watching golf, and he's like, God, I'd just love to be like a commentator for one of these things.

I think I could do it.

I was like, well, it's on mute now.

Just commentate,

just commentate now.

And I made him sit next to me and commentate on the golf.

It was so good.

He's like, and uh, Rory, Rory, he's looking good today.

He's uh,

hoping that was a good shot.

And it's good for him.

He's off.

So the next golfer is.

And then finally, it was just because he was like, that's my dream.

And then I made him do it.

And I was like, see how bad you are?

He's ruined his dream.

You can't do your dream.

Yeah.

I mean, on the spot in a bar, commentating golf would be super possible, but he went for it.

He believed in himself.

That's good.

What was he?

Was he like, oh, Rory, a real taking it?

Oh, the nine iron.

Here we go.

Yeah, yeah, he was trying his best.

he's uh yeah this should be that's a good choice for club maybe the course layout that's a bit of a dog leg to the right

i don't know does he go golfing a lot or does he stay yeah he's he'd be he goes well he's up in pa now so he's been on the indoor for a while oh but i'm sure he's ready to break loose spring is sprung true the girby's is out and westchester has nice courses yeah i'm actually pretty happy to hear about he's just crushing the indoor indoor golf is that screen is fun

after a little yeah well yeah, I mean, if you had one.

It's pretty old.

Yeah, I guess right.

I got to do it for like 20 minutes at one time.

I'm like, this is fucking fun.

Yeah, hitting a golf ball is fun.

Yeah.

Although, when I was doing it, it wasn't like picking up on the screen.

It was pissing me off.

But you're supposed to keep the front foot stable, I've learned.

Yeah, I don't believe in those screens.

You think they're just fucking...

Yeah.

That makes sense.

I think they're crud.

Yeah, being like, bro, you crushed that fucking 200 yards.

Yeah, why don't you keep playing, dude?

This is the best round of your life.

Put 20 bucks in.

Yeah.

They have the indoor.

They have that indoor fucking.

You think that's fixed?

Indoor golf league?

Yeah, that shit's terrible.

Yeah, they're trying to make a big deal.

They're trying to push it.

ESPN's really pushing it.

Yeah, but I mean, if you think about it from a view, it's so nice because it's like you just put some cameras, let them hit the screen, you're like, holy shit.

Yeah.

And

it really is like guys who like to watch golf that, you know, if you give them another excuse to sit there, it kind of bothers me when I see people watch golf on TV, I'll be honest.

I would come in and it's just like,

you see your uncle, and you're like, come on, bro.

Yeah, this is something else.

Also, this is just nap.

This is nap time.

Yeah, for real.

Which I understand.

Like, my dad watched a lot of golf.

Naps to it?

Perfect.

It's the best nap.

Yeah.

But if other people are around and you're like, put on

a PGA tour.

Also, it's not Sunday.

You're watching fucking Friday.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

Put on the British Open.

It's like,

your wife's not here.

You don't have to talk to her.

You don't have to watch golf.

Yeah, you don't have to talk to.

Yeah, she's on vacation.

We can chill.

Yeah, we don't have to remote we can watch remodeling shows

yeah that's the that's the ultimate one dude that is a wife crusher just a sunday golf show yeah just watch it fall asleep i ran into a wife crusher last night what put on interstellar really not for the babes There's a lot going on.

You got to explain relativity in the middle of a movie.

But it's emotionally drawn.

What's going on there with relativity?

And I go, well, I know what it is, but I can't explain this.

I can't explain this to you.

But I understand relativity.

You should have been like, just Google Newtonian physics, master those, I'll bring you to the quantum realm.

Yeah, that uh, I don't know, I feel like it's emotionally charged, though.

That's it was, yeah, but it worked, it worked eventually, but there was a lot of questions, yeah.

Like, wait, what was a lot of questions?

He's behind the fucking bookshelf because he's in another dimension, yeah.

Yeah, somehow humans built the other dimension within the black hole to guide him there from the future because we figured it, yeah, yeah, it's called superposition, Jesus

Christ.

Go watch What the Bleep, please.

Did you ever see that?

No.

What the Bleep came out?

It was like about quantum physics and everyone's like, holy shit.

And it got like completely debunked.

You guys didn't get stoked on quantum physics when you were younger?

You didn't see What the Bleep?

No.

It's called What the Bleep Do We Know?

And it was like, do you know that two particles can be in the same place at the same time?

Or like two different spaces at the same time?

And I was just like, I was like 25, just always high being like, holy shit.

Then I watched a a thing five years later.

I'm like, that was totally debunked.

I was like, god damn it.

Superposition?

Yeah.

No, superposition is real.

They just

is real.

But they were trying to say, like, I can't believe you guys have smoked enough weed to think you understand quantum physics.

No, I'm telling you, it's intangible.

I know both of you are like, no, I get it.

It's very simple.

You don't.

No, it's not.

You don't understand it.

It's so simple.

He's caught up in particle duality right now.

I know you remember the words.

Neither of you can explain any of it.

It's like, yeah, I can explain it right now.

You can explain quantum mechanics to me not all of it but i get the basic fundamentals please do so the the main thing it rests upon is the double slit you're already off to a good start with rest upon look the foundation yeah you're already brainiac

i've explained it i've explained a double slit experiment to you before where this is i do remember that i know what that particle is yeah yeah and if you're looking it's there if you're not looking that one yeah and it was it was a it's a wave and a particle at the same time Yes.

And then he found out that

it's just all about clouds of probability and that even things you think are solid at their most fundamental, the quantum level, which just means like the smallest thing possible.

It's just a every physical object that is very root is a cloud of possibility that it could be

in like seven different places.

Yeah, so it's like if like the according to that, like the smallest particle, like if you take like an atom and break it down, break it down, break it down, it just turns into like a basically a wave that can be simultaneously in multiple places until you observe it and it fixes it there.

Yeah, I don't know.

That's that's that's a nutshell, yeah.

And you've wrapped your head around that.

I've just the basics.

I don't understand.

I mean, if you really get into it, you have to be able to do like the most insane math.

And the problem is, is like it actually technically has like predictive.

They can use it.

I don't know how to do this, but scientists can use quantum mechanics to predict things, but they still don't understand how it works.

So it has predictive capabilities, but we still can't, the Austin scientific community still can't wrap their heads around it.

I get it.

But no, I don't know.

It's just cool.

It's cool.

It is cool.

Without a doubt.

It's just super cool.

But yeah, I just never got high enough to be like.

You got to get high as far as I can.

I fully understand this.

I don't feel that's the thing.

It's a bottomless thing.

I think while you're high, you feel like you fully understand it.

You're just, you're in awe.

That's the thing.

I'm just in awe.

I know he believes he understands it.

And that's fine.

Lemer, get on this quantum jam.

Get in the quantum jam.

I'm just gonna get him myself, guy.

Yeah.

I'm more of a quantum computing guy.

It's just infinite storage and infinite memory.

There we go.

Yeah.

What is it?

It's just infinite storage and infinite memory yeah that's basically what quantum computing is yeah i can say things like this

anybody can say things like this this is the truth i just like unlimited energy and waves i gave it i gave it decent rundown that was good that was quantum mechanics i'm telling you but i i don't understand it

just at the very root physical reality is

just like

matter breaks down into something that people don't even know what the fuck it is and it's like yeah you know pretty cute yeah that's why it's basically it's proof of like spirituality and stuff.

A lot of spiritual dudes go heavy on quantum stuff.

It's really funny.

Dude, don't even get mad started on dark matter.

There's been a lot of dark matter discoveries.

I don't know anything about dark matter.

I read those fucking articles all the time on Google News.

It's like scientists just came out and you read it and you're like, this,

they didn't say anything.

Yeah.

It fucking got me again.

Finally, we understand.

They did that with the, what's that fucking thing in the ocean?

That's like the blue spot.

And

it's like in South America, there's this thing in the ocean.

It's like this deep, super deep blue spot that just out of nowhere goes in.

And they're like, They've studied the blue spot and found out that there's more tornadoes now thanks to global warming.

It's like, how the fuck did you guys come up with that?

And they're like, The dust, the sediment on the ocean says that there's been way more tornadoes.

It's like, dude, where, how are you coming up with that?

I think, I honestly think scientists are on, if you want my honest opinion, I think a lot of them are on some mega bullshit and they're just fake working so hard.

I think that's fair, dude.

Everything I read, I have National Geographic, it comes to my house.

Every time I read it, I'm like,

you guys didn't say anything

i also just got to skim it but

bullshit

yeah right

you get nat geo yeah that's sick nat geo haven't seen a good nat geo in forever yeah i get i used to be so pumped when i would nat geo's tough get a hold of a nat geo i get them i get in my house my wife gets mags i just get in my house and i never read them

i get like scientific american nat geo are you sure you didn't get hit by the magazine guy huh no i do.

I do this to myself.

Every two years, I spaz and I go, I need to start learning about what's going on.

I need to read The Economist.

The Economist, The Atlanta.

I send them all to my house, and I just ignore.

I go, not right now.

I just ignore them.

Yeah, but it's good to have, and it's good to tell people you have them.

You go, I actually have The Atlanta.

Nat Geo, I'll do with my kids.

I'll flip through Nat Geo.

I'm like, look at that fucking thing.

And it's like, point to a landlord.

Nat Geo's a good kid.

Nat Geo's sick.

Scientific,

it's all right.

But

they're just capping about space.

It pisses me off.

Always, they come out with shit about space.

They're like, we still don't understand it.

It's like, well, stop writing this fucking article.

Yeah.

You've said nothing this whole time.

You got me stoked.

I'm on the edge of my seat about dark matter.

Still don't know what the fuck it is.

Pisses me off.

The papers are, right?

The papers are like.

The papers are to put out a theory out there so everyone else can start working on it and like figure it out.

So there's like a trail, you know?

Yeah.

Steak and beans.

Steak and beans.

LeMay, you need to stop focusing on quantum physics and focus on getting your jack-off computer out of a kitchen.

I mean, though, if you think about it, though, imagine...

Two things can't exist at the same time.

And your shoe fell off.

Yeah, but imagine the quantum goon station.

Imagine the quantum goon.

Two guys can jack off in the same apartment at once.

Two male roommates can jack off in the same apartment at once.

He's just on the other side of the wall, like interstellar, like, dude, dude.

Le Maire, stop.

Lemaire, stop.

Knock the kitchen.

He's the gravity.

He's sending me quarters.

I learned about dark matter today.

Their house has just as much dust in it

as the dust storm.

We can't keep going on like this.

All right.

All right.

Yeah.

We got to switch over to the Patreon.

God bless.

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