Ep 574 - War of the Butt Wipes (feat. James McCann)

Speaker 1 Wow! Wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 1 Let's keep an eye on my balls this time. Dude, the blurs.

Speaker 1 The blur made it worse. The blurs.
You did that on purpose. You said it.
Oh, snake. You could have used a black blur.
Black box would have been nice. Black box would have been great.
He used

Speaker 1 a fleshy blur. It looked like I had so many people, my friends, text me, like, was your dick and nuts really out? I'm really sorry about that.
Sure. You reveled in it.
You reveled in it.

Speaker 1 The blur for real. The blur loose.
He was texting me like, he was like, really sorry. I was like, dude, I swear to God, I don't care.

Speaker 1 What did you catch? Like, you cut, you caught like slut cleavage. You got like slut cleavage, I think.
And then you got a little bit of butchy. It was like upper thigh fat.

Speaker 1 That's like a devastating fat. Yeah.
It's white. It was white.

Speaker 1 Very white. He has not seen the sun.
I was getting into the shower recently, and my wife was laughing at my white ass. And she goes, I'm going to take a picture and send it to Shane.

Speaker 1 I was like, his ass is the same as mine.

Speaker 1 I was just like, he's just like, yeah, it looks just like my ass. So it's so funny.

Speaker 1 He's like, how'd you get a picture of my my ass?

Speaker 1 He's not going to be like, what the fuck? No,

Speaker 1 I found my ass last night.

Speaker 1 It was on TV. I was watching Alien last night.
Sigourney Weaver just has my ass for no reason. What?

Speaker 1 Take a look at Sigourney Weaver's ass in Alien. She's got a full-on pale peasant's ass, dude.
Some medieval dynasty ass.

Speaker 1 Sigourney Weaver's ass in the movie is. What year is that? I don't know.
That's when Tiny Heinys ruled.

Speaker 1 She had the tiniest hiney. Can I see her, Heiney? She's got a man's ass.

Speaker 1 She's got a nice, pale, Irish ass. Yo, what the fuck, dude?

Speaker 1 She would die right now if someone saw her ass. I don't think women can survive with an ass like that anymore.

Speaker 1 She looks good in it. Tiny Heinys? Out of nowhere at the end of the movie, Scorny Weaver just gets in

Speaker 1 underwear and tits out, basically. What? It's pretty sad.
Oh, and yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like one of the scenes.
There was a tits and leprechaun. There was the alien scene, sex scene in Titanic.

Speaker 1 Tits and Leprecha was the first time I got in trouble from my parents. Yeah, that was...
Came into the basement at my friend's house, and we had it paused on Tits and Leprechaun. That was.

Speaker 1 The fuck is this? I swear to God, it wasn't me. That was.
Those movies were the goon boon back in the day. Yep.
There was no other opportunity, dude. You'd have to wait.

Speaker 1 You had to pray to perfectly craft what you were like, yo, I heard there's boobs in Leprechaun in space. I'm going to tell my mom I'm going to rent Leprechaun in space.

Speaker 1 She's not going to hopefully check.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're like a cargo cult just waiting on just like the forces of the world to move around you like, oh, they're back. Tits are back now.
Music videos were my mainstay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you had to BT late night. Yeah,

Speaker 1 that was big for me. Yeah.
It was huge. But anyway, that's the main order of business, which I already told you, is yesterday I had a very important,

Speaker 1 I had a business meeting. Big Hollywood stuff.
Yeah. And I woke up late, and

Speaker 1 meeting was delayed about an hour because of how late I was. Not because I was out partying, Matt, but because I was up till 4 a.m.
playing Medieval Dynasty.

Speaker 1 And if you ever played that game, you realize that's a real fucking psychotic move. I was literally chopping trees for six hours, dude.
Gathering sticks.

Speaker 1 I'm forgetting all the sticks you got. I got a lot of sticks.

Speaker 1 I got a lot of sticks and stones.

Speaker 1 And the village you showed me, I was fucking up. The village is astounding.
I was like really preparing myself.

Speaker 1 You told me about it and I was like, dude, be supportive because I thought you were going to show me some rinky-dink bullshit. No.
Bro, that was like, what, a six-hut village with

Speaker 1 a Yee old blacksmithy? That would have taken a normal man weeks. It took me one day of just a really pathetic day.
At what cost?

Speaker 1 The cost was I was late for a pretty important meeting that I thought was going to be like three writers. It ended up being the director and the star of the movie waiting for me.

Speaker 1 I don't want to spill the beans, but I was shocked, dude. Your eyes are red and puffy.
Bro, Bro, I got, I was like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 It was like, you know, when you're like late for school or work or something, I woke up, like, oh, shit, I slept through my alarm. I just joined the meeting, seeing if they were still there.

Speaker 1 So from my bed, in the dark, I joined the meeting.

Speaker 1 And you can block out who it is. It was

Speaker 1 like, what's up, dude? Sorry. I just woke up.
Sorry to make you wait.

Speaker 1 From the darkness, they watched me walk into the light. And your face was definitely

Speaker 1 dark red.

Speaker 1 I tried to put on sunglasses. I was like, I got to put on sunglasses.
You can't see me. And I put on sunglasses.
I was like, what the fuck am I doing? This is what I look like.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I told him, I explained exactly what I was doing. I was like, I wasn't out partying.
This is from me

Speaker 1 checking my clock way too late gaming. I was going, it's probably two, four.
I was like, Jesus.

Speaker 1 Dude, gathering sticks, literally sticks and stones. Literally just

Speaker 1 chopping logs all night so that my village

Speaker 1 starts fucking weaving baskets that I run to the town to sell for fucking $2

Speaker 1 over and over again.

Speaker 1 It's fucked up. It's really fucked up to do that.
There's no like reward in the game. Just, yeah, it's dude.
That game rules out. That game's awesome.
I can't wait.

Speaker 1 I'm going to hit a nice middle. Also, Corey, you thought you were going to court the fucking your wife.
I courted my babe every morning. She's pregnant.
Congrats, by the way. Thank you.

Speaker 1 She is pregnant. Thank you, fellas.
She said, Let's meet back in our room at 7 p.m. And I, oh, are you serious? I almost jacked off here.

Speaker 1 i almost jacked off in reality

Speaker 1 oh she's such a sweet angel and then i uh what will you name your medieval son

Speaker 1 adolph no this is my son adolph

Speaker 1 uh i don't know matthew i'll name him matthew that'd be honest i'd be a king i'd be honored but what happens in medieval dynasties when you die you live as your son oh that's i was saying that you follow your seed what yeah you got to build a dynasty holy yeah wait so when you died, I don't want to put you on blast.

Speaker 1 When you got attacked by a wolf and died, did you come back as your son? How many respawns? I came back as myself. You can come back as yourself.
How many times? I don't know.

Speaker 1 If I would have quit there, that might have ended my dynasty. I can't do that.
So if you don't respawn, that's over. If next time, if my son is born, if young Matthew is born,

Speaker 1 then I'll go, you know what, that wolf got me during the hunt. Whoa, then you come back when he's out of the way.
I came back as my son, yeah. As a boy or a man, I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 I haven't gotten that far.

Speaker 1 I've been chopping logs. I haven't.
True. It's true.
I mean, your son's going to take it to such a camera. Got cabbage farm going, carrots.
I saw the apple orchard. Apple Orchard was just built.

Speaker 1 I mean, this is.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 you had your barley reserves from. Barley reserves from the last great, that harvest, which I immediately took to town and sold.
Got some clay pots, not a big deal.

Speaker 1 Don't talk about the cherry juice.

Speaker 1 Don't you dare bring up the cherry juice.

Speaker 1 Sorry to bring that up.

Speaker 1 This was a low point.

Speaker 1 This was a low point for the village.

Speaker 1 My sweet wife got me a fucking cherry juice for a gift. She must have saved up.
$65. $65.
Where'd she get that money by? Where'd she get that money from?

Speaker 1 Don't you dare.

Speaker 1 Don't you dare.

Speaker 1 She was tricking.

Speaker 1 Matt.

Speaker 1 What the fuck, dude?

Speaker 1 She was not tricking.

Speaker 1 She saved up because she cares about me. And she got me cherry juice, and then I checked.
Our coffers were low. I had to pawn the cherry juice to get some fertilizer for the beets.

Speaker 1 You gotta do what you gotta do, dude.

Speaker 1 I had to get fertilizer and beets.

Speaker 1 That wasn't real

Speaker 1 point.

Speaker 1 Yes. In his whole cabinet, there's just a chest where his office stuff is in this.
It's just a simple chest. There's like sticks, rocks, laws, sticks, rocks, and walls.

Speaker 1 You laugh, but they're fueling that. You don't see my dynasty.
Mushrooms and cherry juice.

Speaker 1 He goes, I gotta sell the cherry juice.

Speaker 1 We got to sell it. What's wrong with that? He's like, my wife gave it to me.
My wife gave it to me as a gift, dude. I didn't want to do it, but.
No, I get that. I'm going to tell her I drank it.

Speaker 1 How are you going to sleep? You need to drink tart cherry juice. I'm going to tell her I drank it.
Yeah. You gozzled it on a hunting expedition.
Yeah. I got attacked by a fucking wolf.
That was funny.

Speaker 1 There's war out there that'll get you. Is it really? Yeah.
There's all types of creatures that'll eat you. The forest was scary, dude.
I thought it was a free-for-all. No, for real, dude.

Speaker 1 The forest is nuts. Sean, don't fucking laugh.
Yeah, Sean. It's not fucking funny.

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Matt, I'm constantly looking for

Speaker 1 headphones. There you go.
And I lose them all the time. That's why I use wired headphones now.
Ooh.

Speaker 1 What's the longest time you spent looking for something? I usually give up pretty quick. Yeah, true.
Someone I have a hard time shopping for. I have a tough time finding LeMer gifts.
Really?

Speaker 1 And I like to spoil them.

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Speaker 1 You guys, it's all game to you guys, but to me, it's a true dynasty. It's a medieval dynasty.
My son Matthew will rise, and he's going to take over the big town when I'm going to raise a force.

Speaker 1 That'll be nice. That place will be crazy.
I go in there. If you don't shower, if you don't get in the water for a while, you stink and nobody will talk to you.

Speaker 1 They treat me like a real outcast in there.

Speaker 1 I like how you courted your wife. Every morning I woke up sprinting across the river and was like, hello, I love you.

Speaker 1 And then you have to wait the next day to be able to talk to her again. The days are long, too.
Long as fuck.

Speaker 1 Like when you planted those apple trees, I'm like, bro, this is going to be

Speaker 1 checked back in in the spring, literally. It's insane how I, and also I get excited for my harvest.
Yeah. So I'm like, all right, I'll stay up until the fall.
It just takes fucking six more hours.

Speaker 1 It was, it was a real, it was a sad moment. Seeing the clock, it hit, it was 3.55, and I was like, this is

Speaker 1 something's wrong. So funny waking up for a high power meeting.
It's been like

Speaker 1 a moment. Threw on a fucking Bryce Harper jersey on button.
I was like, what's up, guys?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's all the game. I think it worked.
I think that my demeanor in the meeting

Speaker 1 was appreciated.

Speaker 1 I would venture to guess that you might have been the first person to ever zoom into the meeting, hungover from

Speaker 1 medieval conquest. For sure.
Nobody that's been hungover from medieval dynasty has ever had a power. And come clean.
Say, fellas, I'm going to come clean to you guys.

Speaker 1 I was, I mean, I'm building something special. Yeah, you guys have your thing going on.
We can talk about that, but let me just tell you about my medieval.

Speaker 1 I should have just been like, yo, I got fucked up with jelly roll last night.

Speaker 1 I thought it was less embarrassing to be like, I was playing a video game. It turns out it was way more embarrassing.
It's so funny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's so, especially when you're sitting there, you're like, what the fuck's going on? Like, dude, I'm full at full honesty. I was up all night playing fucking medieval RPG.

Speaker 1 It's like, oh, man, I can't be mad. Yeah, it was nice.

Speaker 1 I think they respected that, though. You have to.
And also, I was probably dripping medieval fucking swag. That's they were probably like, this guy is going to be something special.

Speaker 1 You might have hit him with a g'day. You don't even know it.
I have been. Yeah.
My lord. So, excuse me, my lord.
Excuse my indolence, my lord. Forgive me.
I threw a snowball at the king.

Speaker 1 Dude, don't talk about that. I know.
He might get me. Yeah, chill.
He wasn't looking, threw a snowball at him, ran, ran out of the fort, back to my fucking side of the river.

Speaker 1 I'm a medieval. I'm a medieval.
You're crazy for bringing that that up.

Speaker 1 I can't believe you threw a snowball at the fucking king.

Speaker 1 I thought something bad was going to happen. Nothing.
I mean, dude. Maybe next time I see him, it's on site.
No, you talked to his son. You think you would tell the wicked prince?

Speaker 1 The prince is a dick, too, by the way. He is.

Speaker 1 I didn't like his fucking vibe at all. But you talked to the prince.
The prince is just walking around. The apple orchard by the road is a mistake.
Why? They're going to steal that from me.

Speaker 1 They're not going to take you. Who's going to take your apples? Just any traveler.
They're going to go, oh, here's some apples. Oh, dude.
You can not.

Speaker 1 they might you know after you make an example out of the first guy true told you have some guards you're your plan was he said my wife was gonna get sexually assaulted by highwaymen he thinks it's a funny fun thing to joke about her

Speaker 1 no she's gonna get they're gonna take my apples and sexually assault my wife and then i'm gonna have to pretend to be more mad about the sa than the fact that i lost all those apples we're gonna need those apples

Speaker 1 I was just saying to me,

Speaker 1 you got to have someone guarding those fields, dude. I will.

Speaker 1 That'll be the rest of the game. So I'll stay there for fucking three straight days in real life.
First apples.

Speaker 1 Honey, get inside.

Speaker 1 That game is fucking sick. So I got that going on.
That's awesome. This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.
Matt, take it from there.

Speaker 1 Well, let me tell you something about these dude wipes right now, man. I'd love to take it right here.
Here we go. I'm your butthole.
Yeah, me. The most overworked, underappreciated part of your body.

Speaker 1 Name two or three poor choices that your butthole never appreciates. For example,

Speaker 1 Buffalo Wings, iced coffees, gas station sushi. Yeah, there's, I mean, all of those.
What's going on? This is disgusting stuff. Yeah, jalapeno poppers, root beer floats.

Speaker 1 That's a weird one to tie to your butt. I don't know what that would do to myself.
Root beer floats? Yeah, they also put in here

Speaker 1 two-foot double-ended dill.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's bad for your butt. Matt.
Corner store chili cheese dog. I'm the one dealing with your poor choices.
That's from the butthole. What?

Speaker 1 And then you drag a dry-ass tissue across me like you're sanding a piece of shit coffee table until I'm a throbbing red balloon knot.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck wrote this ad? Dude wipes available at retailers nationwide and Amazon. Look, they do fucking rule.

Speaker 1 You don't have to write that ad read.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They're good for your butt.
It feels good. It's, I mean, having traveling with them is for real.
Like, my traveling with them is great. First day of traveling, my ass falls apart.

Speaker 1 Terms, it's just completely blistered.

Speaker 1 You get an oil slick. Exactly.
And these are design specific. The oil slick then irritates the skin.
If it was just an oil slick, fine, but then your skin gets all irritated.

Speaker 1 But having these to come back from and just

Speaker 1 like after like a warrior in battle, just kind of dabbing it.

Speaker 1 But yeah. They're flushers.
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Speaker 1 for our butt wipes. They want to take our butt wipe sponsors.
Our seed is still young, and our butt wipes may dwindle.

Speaker 1 The butt wipes will slip through our fingertips and into the hands of more experienced podcasters. Yes.

Speaker 1 You're just mad I have all the butt wipes.

Speaker 1 So sad to see, man. It's tough to see.
Nobody got to see it. No one I got to say to everybody.
And sorry if you don't like this. I hope they all find peace and joy and happiness, dude, for real.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I hope everybody does. I hope I do.
That'd be fucking sick. Yeah, you'll get, dude.
You keep working like I saw you fucking working. I know, I was working.
I had a good day.

Speaker 1 I had a good day yesterday, too. Got in the pool, laid around, said, you know, it's time to, it's time to build a hut.
How'd you hear about that game? I had it a while ago.

Speaker 1 It was

Speaker 1 so boring, I stopped. Really? Yeah, I mean, it takes like a level of like,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I know what you mean.
Dude, that's, yeah,

Speaker 1 I could lock into that, though. I had the same thing where if it's like, just give me that task, I get to, and like you see, because that's also, that's go in progress, bro.

Speaker 1 It's not some like bullshit where you're just hitting X and like walls are appearing. You're exactly right, Matt.
That's you know, I mean, I'm glad you appreciate what I've done over there.

Speaker 1 Dude, I saw the village for real. I gotta get some chickens, though.
I've just built a chicken coop.

Speaker 1 Got to get into town and buy some chickens, but I got to sell all those fucking baskets first so I can buy a chicken. True, I saw you.
That's kind of where you're.

Speaker 1 The baskets, they've fucked my village pretty.

Speaker 1 I've been using all my sticks that I've gathered.

Speaker 1 Those stone tools are nice, though. I saw those were nice.
$5, $7,000. I didn't realize that.
Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.
The baskets. You guys are a small commune.

Speaker 1 Of course, you made wicker baskets. Checking for balls?

Speaker 1 All right. Keep an eye on the balls.

Speaker 1 We can't have that again. Oh, you're looking at his penis.

Speaker 1 He checked the lens.

Speaker 1 He wanted to see if there's a good shot.

Speaker 1 We're good. So far, we're good.
Sean, if his penis slips out and we lose all of these. My penis shoots out of these shorts.
If we lose all of our butt wipes, I'll try to pay again.

Speaker 1 If my penis was able to fly out of these shorts, I would sacrifice all the butt wipes. I'd be such a happy guy.

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 1 I knew my dick was too big to be a podcaster. I can't even sit down anymore.

Speaker 1 Instead, I have the perfect design penis for a podcast. Oh, that thing's not going anywhere.
YouTube loves the size of my penis, dude. No problem.

Speaker 1 Is this podcast safe for kids? Yes. Yes.
It is. Forever, eternally.

Speaker 1 So I got Medieval going. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oasis is on tomorrow. That's when it'll be tight.
Just today, Wednesday? Yeah, tomorrow's Thursday. Tomorrow's Thursday.
We're going to be there tomorrow night. Yeah, it'll be fucking sick.

Speaker 1 That's crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, in Chitown. And then so tomorrow, I believe, this Under Armour commercial or internet video comes out tomorrow.
So I can talk about it now. I'm very excited about it.
I put Phil in it. Dude.

Speaker 1 Phil Gillis makes his acting debut. Phil kills it, honestly.
He was great. He was.
Phil and head coach Marcus Freeman of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish finally on screen together.

Speaker 1 People have been begging for this.

Speaker 1 It plays well.

Speaker 1 Phil does all right. I swear to God, you usually can tell if somebody's never, especially like, it's like a real fucking thing.
So it's like. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He did great, but it was funny to watch him and Marcus find out about how shitty making a commercial is. How long it takes to do it.

Speaker 1 We did the same scene fucking

Speaker 1 so many times, and both of them were like, all right, we got it, right? Yeah, like we're good.

Speaker 1 We got it from one

Speaker 1 camera. We're going to switch and do the same thing over and over again.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Phil got a little tired. He was ready to get to the linebacker.
Yeah. Bar there.
Is this a bar called the linebacker? Yeah. At Notre Dame.
And Phil frequents it.

Speaker 1 It is funny because he definitely probably thought this is like, all right, I was like probably half an hour. 20 minutes, 30 minutes.
Film is out in a half an hour. It's fucking.

Speaker 1 It's two minutes long, three minutes long. It's got to be a fucking 30-minute film.
Yeah, not the case. Took all day.
Have you grinded the tape at all on the commercial? I've been grinding the tape.

Speaker 1 Did you really? Yeah. I've watched it so many times.
What do you think? Actually,

Speaker 1 so happy about it. You have ground the tape.
Yeah, it is like the best thing

Speaker 1 seeing Phil at No Name. It's very nice.

Speaker 1 I don't care if the commercial sucks. It doesn't.
It's good. Yeah.
But it's just nice. Yeah, just get him in there.
It's nice anyway. And I called him like the day before we filmed.
Did you really?

Speaker 1 Be like, Phil, you're in this.

Speaker 1 He's like, okay. Yeah.
He pretended he was like, all right, Shank, you got to pay me this time. You got to pay me a lot.
to get me out there. I was like,

Speaker 1 get on the fucking plane, dude. Shut up.
He definitely hung up. I was like, fuck.
Yeah, Joan, Joan.

Speaker 1 Read me by lunch. You got the beautiful flight from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania to South Bend, Indiana.
Oh, you want to see some ugly people?

Speaker 1 Get on that fucking flight. Everyone's hurt.
Everyone's got a disease and it's up.

Speaker 1 Harrisburg to Indiana.

Speaker 1 That's an ugly bunch. Phil was probably, they probably were like, he must be a movie star.
They just catapult a bus all the way. Just fucking get a greyhound.
Just launch it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Phil must have been. Yeah, that's why he was so confident.
He probably felt good on that flight. True.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's also what was embarrassing because we brought the crew who filmed it was everyone who did tires. So, but it just me and my dad both act like we went to Notre Dame.
Like we were driving around.

Speaker 1 Like, you see this campus here? This part of the campus. Look at the bricks they use.
It's the same bricks in every building. A lot of campuses don't have that.

Speaker 1 Take a look at that. I for real forgot you guys both didn't go there.
No, no. I was like, yeah, you guys went there.
Okay, that's right. None of us went, dude.

Speaker 1 We walked around like, yeah, now look at that. That's the grotto.
I took these fucking animals from Philadelphia to the grotto. Did you? They were just screaming.
They were hammered.

Speaker 1 They were just making noise. And I was in, I was like, shut the fuck up.
You got to knock it off. Pray.
Yeah, fucking enough of that. I said a prayer.
I said a prayer for my young baby, Matthew. Say

Speaker 1 to rise.

Speaker 1 To rise and be strong.

Speaker 1 What do you want for your child? I just, I can't wait to play as him. You know, I can't wait to inhabit his body.
Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, I hope he's as strong of a lumberjack as his father. True.
That's all we need is more logs.

Speaker 1 His father's a skilled craftsman as well. True.

Speaker 1 I saw a couple of fucking... Put together a stone knife to skin that deer.
Stone knife on the fly. That was impressive.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's where it gets a little pathetic, where I know exactly how many sticks and stones I need to craft shit.

Speaker 1 Anyway, but Phil's acting debut is tomorrow. That's nice.
Currently, when this is out, hopefully. I think it's tomorrow.

Speaker 1 I know this will be out tomorrow. I can assure you that.
Gardini's on the case. All he's got to do is blur your monster hog.
We've got to blur this hog out again. Somebody's got to feed these hogs.

Speaker 1 Dude, I,

Speaker 1 oh man, I think I messaged you. Oh, yeah, I told Gardini about this.
I came across a thing. I think it was like the day we recorded the podcast last week.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, my YouTube has, I've been like curating my YouTube because it's just starting getting like annoying political stuff.

Speaker 1 And obviously, no jumper comes back up I think Blizz has been sending me some stuff, or I don't know. But I come across this.
Actually, this came across my feed organically. But

Speaker 1 there was a guy who was in the Crips. And none of this is funny, by the way, because it is a tragic situation.

Speaker 1 But, I mean,

Speaker 1 dude, I stayed up all night fucking watching this video. So I didn't know about this guy.
He was in the Crips. He was like, you know, like a real gangbanger.
And he was doing drugs.

Speaker 1 He was on Fent Pack, Ice Pack. He was doing fentanyl meth.

Speaker 1 At least his own words. Yeah, he was doing that.
Pretty serious pack.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he claims

Speaker 1 his story is that he was at a party one night. Someone spiked his perp with meth, which is like, dude, special place in hell.

Speaker 1 If you do fent and meth, your foraging skills go up to 10.

Speaker 1 You were a 10-level forager.

Speaker 1 His went up too high. Oh, really? Yes, because he doesn't remember any of this.
So he just was, you know, out partying. He was like a gangbanger doing drugs, just living the life.

Speaker 1 And he just woke up one morning and everyone called him like, yo, like, what the fuck are you doing? And he checked the interweb.

Speaker 1 Apparently, he had been on FaceTime and got dominated by a Swedish lady into sucking, I believe, a Fanta bottle and putting it in his butthole

Speaker 1 or around. I don't know if it went in.
I don't want to, you know, it went around or in his butthole. And he just got like completely gay dominated by a Swedish lady.

Speaker 1 And he goes, I don't remember any of it. Then his whole gang beat his ass.
Oh. Well, they had to.
What the fuck? They had to beat him up. They had to beat him up.
What happened to just Razzin a guy?

Speaker 1 No, there was no Razzin.

Speaker 1 I was just calling him Zesty after.

Speaker 1 If you do more Zesty shit, me and Matt are going to fucking jump.

Speaker 1 We'd have to DP him. Yeah.
Pause, but that's what you call it. It's called DPing.
That was big balls. We have to DP you.

Speaker 1 But yeah, dude, it was, I was shaking in my bed, just laughing like, although it isn't funny, but I was laughing just like. It's very funny.
dude.

Speaker 1 Sucking a fan bottle and getting kicked out of a gang is maybe the funny, truly maybe the funniest thing in the world.

Speaker 1 He got beat up, huh? Well,

Speaker 1 he got beat up and then he went to jail. So I think he's still in the gang, according to him.

Speaker 1 According to me, too, I say he's still in the gang. My favorite thing about it was you told me that he blamed it on the Bloods or the Crips or whatever.
Oh, it's just a Bloods set up.

Speaker 1 I think the Bloods set him up. They spiked him so they could gay dominate him on FaceTime because of the meth.
That's diabolical. He literally had meth then turned gay just for a night.

Speaker 1 Matt, why does meth keep turning everyone kind of gay? Bro, I don't know. It does it to people, man.

Speaker 1 I think you just have so much energy from it that you just start going, like, yeah, I usually don't have time to do gay stuff. You take a little method to go, I want to hit the dance floor.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like I've gotten all of my straight business done. I still have a whole other half of my day that I usually sleep.
Side quest.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you have a whole, like, if you, if you don't sleep for three days, your schedule opens up. Yeah.
You know, because usually it's like, dude, we're so tired. We work so hard.

Speaker 1 We don't have time to be gay. Yeah.
Wish I did. Oh, Jimes.
Oh, nice.

Speaker 1 James, why don't you just come right in? Yeah, join. Grab a seat.

Speaker 1 Grab a seat, brother. Grab a seat.
Grab a

Speaker 1 grab a broadcasting apparatus. I think I'm good.
Yeah. Nice.
I think good, yeah. Good.
Went to the thinkery? Thinkery? Children got all splashy? Place is a little too busy for my liking.

Speaker 1 I lost track of the children for whole stretches of time. And there's a lot of big kids running around.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The place, if you have an older kid, fantastic. For little kids.
Are they lad boys?

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 1 full spectrum, bro. It's no Zark in there.
Yeah. Two of every kind.
Do you have true? It really is.

Speaker 1 It is.

Speaker 1 It's just like 25 field trips bouncing off of each other like particles, and you just have to grab your three-year-old.

Speaker 1 It's like young Simba getting lost in the stampede.

Speaker 1 We'll also say many beautiful young mothers. I mean, this I notice every time I'm there, I'm the only dad, and it's all the fine, the mothers and the young, sexy nannies, and they're all there.

Speaker 1 Yep, and me and my kids just staring at the you know, the science-that's what I'm spending my time looking at. Justin, do you go to the upstairs or the shopping area?

Speaker 1 We shopped, we uh, I there's a height chart that children could come and see how high they are.

Speaker 1 And I have a complex that my son is small, but I measured him, he's of normal height, and I felt good, and I felt proud. What percentile

Speaker 1 bang in the middle, couldn't be more in the middle.

Speaker 1 There we go.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, I'm late. Thank you for having me.
You're totally. You're good, man.
We were just

Speaker 1 not long. I don't remember.
15

Speaker 1 minutes, if I had a guess. 20.
No, 15. 25.
25. We're at 25 right now.

Speaker 1 20. So, yeah, you're close when you came in.
23.

Speaker 1 Fuck it. What's up, Janks? Just hanging out.
James, we got to make a video for the Crogs.

Speaker 1 This has been a devastating couple of weeks for the Crow Boys. Why? All right.
Not doing well. We finished top of the ladder.
So you finished the season, home and away season went number one.

Speaker 1 It was fantastic. You might have to bleep a word that I'm about to say, but our star player, Isaac Rankin.
You're not going to bleep it? That's fine. I don't mind.
No.

Speaker 1 He called someone in the opposition a few days. Wow, wow.
And he got dropped for four weeks. What? Which is the entire final season.
Can we investigate why he did that?

Speaker 1 He was upset. A player on the opposite team had concussed him the year before and been rubbed out for less than four weeks, I think, or exactly that.
And so he was dropping that.

Speaker 1 Now, the man he did say that to paints his nails and wears a lot of perfume.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 that whole Collingwood back line is fate.

Speaker 1 But this is, I mean, it's just, if he had punched him in the throat, he would have got less time for dropping that.

Speaker 1 But the league is, they've got all the women players now, and they're all Rainbow Coalition. And it's just.
The women's a different sport, though, right? Or do they have for real women?

Speaker 1 They get pushed together. It's the same sport played at a less captivating.
I'll get in trouble, but it's not as good to watch.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 You're not going to get in trouble, dude. You're not going to get canceled.

Speaker 1 I can't watch it. It's also, it's a violent sport.
You don't want to see ladies getting punched in the back of the head. I don't.
No, me either. At least it does.
Unless I'm at the thinkery.

Speaker 1 Then I start hitting some real thoughts.

Speaker 1 Oh, I can't have my coffee in here, huh? Okay, that's fair.

Speaker 1 Yeah, how do you like that? Straight into the fucking lazy river, bitch.

Speaker 1 It is funny because you're not allowed to to have coffee in there, and they'll like come up to you and be like, Um, you're not allowed to have that. And all you have to do is have coffee, dude.

Speaker 1 All you have to do is literally go, okay, and just keep walking. They go, Yeah,

Speaker 1 and they'll come back up 10 minutes later and be like, I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to have that. Oh, I'm sorry about that.
And you just keep walking.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I didn't hear you. It's also so annoying.
It's like, dude, yeah, I can have this. Relax.
I'm not going to dump it on a kid. I need this right now.

Speaker 1 So you're telling me there's hot moms and nannies there? Yeah. Oh, you get it.
Sounds like a nice time.

Speaker 1 No, is it a what's going on there? You said people were splashing? There was a splash pad upstairs at the music.

Speaker 1 No, it's a museum. Thinkery is like a kids' museum.
Science museum.

Speaker 1 But all these children's museums are basically the same. I've been to 20 of them.
They just touch a bunch of shit that a bunch of kids already touched. Everyone gets sick.
Very sick.

Speaker 1 Kid spits right in your fucking mouth.

Speaker 1 It's positive in a way that the grown-up museums are not positive. You go to the grown-up museum, like, this land is stolen.
Slavery was terrible. Look at all these birds that don't exist anymore.

Speaker 1 You go to the thinker, you go to the kids' museum. You want to look at a microscope? How big is the sun? It's cool.
You know, I like, I also like each one has a kind of rocket launching room. Yes.

Speaker 1 Where they have like a thing you put on, you can mess with the angles. You can send a handkerchief up into the air.
Yeah, the handkerchiefs, the scarf thing's different.

Speaker 1 But do they have that at the thinkery where you can put a foam rocket and step on a pedal? No, they didn't. They only had handkerchiefs.
It must be nice to have kids so you can impress them with

Speaker 1 just everything. Yeah, they get stoked.
Shit, you launched that fucking rocket. Dude, me and Maya did

Speaker 1 an inflatable pool in our front yard yesterday. And it was like, it was leaning on a hill.
And I just laid in this thing, just spraying a hose in the pool just on both of us while it filled up.

Speaker 1 Just killed like two hours. It was awesome.
The ledger

Speaker 1 go out there alone and you have five or six beers and pass out on the front lawn. That's the drain.
Dude, the inflatable pool was nice, bro. Yeah.
My wife was hating on me.

Speaker 1 She's like, you look like fucking white trash out here. And I was like, get that fucking side.

Speaker 1 It definitely looked white trash. Dude, it was a crooked.
Cosing down a fucking inflatable pool, yeah. And I didn't fill it up all the way, so I was just like leaning in it.

Speaker 1 The above-ground pool is never a classy. No.
Above-ground hot tub is acceptable, I think.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. You see the families with a huge above-ground pool? Oh, yeah.
That's very. Oh, well.
No, it's like, yeah, you get in them, you're like, man, this fucking rules. Yeah, they're pretty awesome.

Speaker 1 They're like a fraction of the price, and you can build a nice little wood deck around them to really spruce them up. Well, that's faking getting it into the ground.
It's just building the ground up.

Speaker 1 Also, you know, you're going to have a good time. Oh, yeah.
I mean, I would love

Speaker 1 sit on a deck in an above-ground pool. You're like, we're going to, somebody's going to fight.
Oh, yeah. This is going to be crazy.

Speaker 1 You can make a nasty whirlpool in those things, too. Yeah.
Because everything's standing height. So you and all your cousins just run a circle like a Muslim dance.

Speaker 1 I used to hate on above-ground pools, and now I'm kind of like, yeah, they're kind of nice. Especially for the money of an in-ground pool.
You see a front yard pool? You ever see a front yard?

Speaker 1 You ever see a front yard? I think you're like illegal.

Speaker 1 I think you're allowed to do that. There's some front yards in mechanics for you.
There were when I was growing up. They're nice.

Speaker 1 I think the people at the end of my block that had a horse in their front yard had an above-ground.

Speaker 1 They had a horse in their front? They had a horse tied to their tree in their front yard.

Speaker 1 Just every time you do it,

Speaker 1 it was a horse. It was there for fucking 20 years.

Speaker 1 Not dying.

Speaker 1 It was amazing. By the end, it looked like

Speaker 1 the horse death was on. Because usually in the Midwest, you can't even have...

Speaker 1 I mean, just every yard is exactly the same it's just flat lawn in the backyard you can do something a bit wild yeah they had a full horse growing up there was no hoa you could right that's coming later yeah stop all these horses that people you could literally the horses i'm surprised made it as long as it did because every house in my neighborhood growing up was nice and then at the end of the block there was just this looked like it was made out of like plywood house with a fucking dying horse tied to its front and it wasn't a big yard the yard was like the size of my front yard it'd be like if i had a horse tied to that tree think about it.

Speaker 1 Crazy. It could be cool.
I once saw a.

Speaker 1 My neighborhood has fucking animals.

Speaker 1 I've seen a peacock. Turkeys.
I've seen turkeys walking around. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Roosters. I like that.
That's crazy. The best thing I ever saw in Austin was a black guy on a horse just in a suburb.
It was like in a neighborhood on a main road, no helmet. He was texting.

Speaker 1 He was texting and clopping. Just like it was the most normal thing in the world.
He was wearing a, we called them wife beaters. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was wearing like one of those and he was just chilling out, texting on his horse, going down the street.

Speaker 1 Stop driving. Well, they they never got rid of horses, right? Like, legally, you can still take a horse.
Oh, dude, Philly has a Philly has their own like horse riders. Philly has a horse.
No.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Well, people are around the cobblestones of cows.

Speaker 1 It's in West Philly, and it's in also North Philly. There's a tradition of black guys with horses.
Yes. Dude,

Speaker 1 the first time I saw one was

Speaker 1 year like 20, it must have been like 2014 or, you know, whatever, sometime around then.

Speaker 1 And I was like very, very high at nighttime walking up to my house in West Philly, and a black dude on a horse came by me. And I was like,

Speaker 1 fucking shit. I thought I was hallucinating.
I swear to God, I was like, what is going on? And then, like, I looked into it, and there is like a, there's stables. Where the fuck are those?

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's like a

Speaker 1 it was in Rocky, it was in a Creed too. They, like, a huge plot is the horse guys.
That movie, too, Concrete Cowboys. Concrete Cowboys.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a way of life.

Speaker 1 I felt so free looking at this man.

Speaker 1 No equipment. I think he had a saddle.
That was it. He wasn't riding.
Nobody wears helmets to ride horses anyway. Only like fox catchers or something.
There's no way. What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 We're from a very helmeted country. My kids are learning to ride bikes now with no helmets, and I'm so happy.
My mom will be upset if she ever finds out.

Speaker 1 There's such a freedom to know. I'm not sure if these kids.

Speaker 1 They're learning fast. Yeah, they better.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a good move.

Speaker 1 The way I was taught to ride a bike is my dad took me to the top of a hill by my elementary school the first time without training wheels and just launched me and i couldn't i didn't know how to i just went straight into the i was flying just straight into these bushes yeah i hit bushes as well yeah thorns right in there yeah it was tough there dude my kid like champed riding a bike they don't do training wheels anymore you do a thing where you have no training wheels but your feet touch the ground you have no pedals and you just like push yourself along and you learn how to balance then one day we just threw on pedals and she just took off no problem it was actually it's pretty insane so training wheels are like the worst how happy were you i was pretty happy honestly that'd be nice i was pretty pumped I just ran out.

Speaker 1 Actually, I think I just skateboarded after, and it was kind of nice. It's kind of scary, though, because they don't know how to turn it all.
So they're like, nah. It's pretty.
And then the street,

Speaker 1 they will just ride right through the street. You got to be like, stop.

Speaker 1 I do that. Yeah.
A lot. Yeah.
This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. Matt Chain, what was your favorite part of last football season? The Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 What was your favorite part of the football season? Was your favorite part of the.

Speaker 1 Was it watching Saquon Barkley? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was honestly watching

Speaker 1 against against the Chiefs. Yeah.
I saw that, and I had a Chiefs fan in the house, so that was.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it almost felt bad because they were winning so badly that I was, yeah, he just went outside the whole time. What are you most excited about in this upcoming season, Matt?

Speaker 1 This upcoming season, is there any young teams?

Speaker 1 I'd like to see a young team really kind of snap together. I'm trying to think of a cool young team.
Unfortunately, it's the Washington Commanders are kind of the cool

Speaker 1 younger team. Nah, I've been beefing with Washington.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't want to.

Speaker 1 Also, I'm kind of pissed they changed. I don't, you know, I don't

Speaker 1 prospect.

Speaker 1 They should have picked somebody else. Matt, talk about your thoughts on the upcoming football season.

Speaker 1 This is going to be a big year, man. They got

Speaker 1 a lot of new things coming in. I know they got Friday night football is big.
They got a lot more. Are they adding the 15th game? Because that is kind of 16th.
They've already done it. Maybe more.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's what I want to see. I want to see football get more commercialized.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, I want to see them grind some more money out of these players. Yes.

Speaker 1 extra weeks on a grueling sport

Speaker 1 that has constant injuries. If they blow more weeks.
Yeah, if they get hurt, they get fucking hurt, man.

Speaker 1 I don't care. Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 1 I just want to see more merch. I want to see more.

Speaker 1 We do need more merch.

Speaker 1 All this football talk is getting me pumped.

Speaker 1 It's getting me plumped, dude. Thankfully, the football season is already underway on Prize Picks.

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Speaker 1 Prize picks, run your game. I'll do it.
Yeah, go ahead. Black Israelite, my new comedy special, September 1.
It's coming out on my

Speaker 1 huge.

Speaker 1 I've seen you run a lot of that material. You've seen it all, yeah.
Yeah, and every time you've done a show with me, every single DM I get after was like, who the fuck was that Australian man?

Speaker 1 Well, it's only 23 minutes. I've panicked to pull it out again.
That's all, man. It's going to be awesome.
And I tour dates. I'm going to Houston, St.

Speaker 1 Louis, Omaha, Springfield, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, Irvine, Los Angeles, Baltimore, and more.

Speaker 1 Where can they get tickets? JDFMcCann.com. I've got to work on a better website.

Speaker 1 JDFM.com. JDFM.com.
Yeah. Disquieting Levels of Egg.
New Book of Poems. Number one.

Speaker 1 They won't give me a book deal. No,

Speaker 1 I'm doing my best. I just put out a couple of tour dates.
ShaneMGillis.com.

Speaker 1 Go to my YouTubes, please. Yeah, Matt's got that cartoon.
It's great. I had a little news.
I have a whole new song, too, man. It's really good.
Thank you. Did you hear my song?

Speaker 1 Did you even listen to it? I haven't heard the song. Yeah, it's half credit sequence.

Speaker 1 It's a very short card game with the middle half of a song. We got more plugs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, get in there.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 please, if you're in Gaz, Atlanta, please come see me

Speaker 1 October 23rd at Atlanta Helium. That'd be huge for me.
Thank you so much. Was I not on screen? God damn it.

Speaker 1 God damn it.

Speaker 1 Oh, and October Knock this September 2nd. September 2nd, next week.
Please, thank you. And well well done on the Madison Square Garden.
You've got thirds on sale? Third's on sale now.

Speaker 1 You're going to break a record. No.

Speaker 1 The record is five. Sebastian Manascalco on five.
I looked it up. You can get five.
You sold the first two ad in like a day. Yeah.
It's not until next year. It's not until January.

Speaker 1 My stock could go down by then. No.
It could be an empty garden. No.

Speaker 1 And if it is an empty garden, I'm still performing. For sure.
It's going to be the funniest way to end. It's the best thing ever.
Literally the best way to end a career.

Speaker 1 If my career falls off between now and January, I'm doing three empty gardens. That'd be so funny.
I'm just going home. That would be awesome.
That'd be a nice special, too. Triple crayon.

Speaker 1 Just get the triple crown.

Speaker 1 Triple crown. Silent bombs.
Scalpers just get fucked all the time.

Speaker 1 Scalpers get absolutely fucked.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's kind of a dream. It'd be a nice way to go home.
It'd be awesome. I could put all my effort in a medieval dynasty.

Speaker 1 Focus heavily on building the ultimate city in town for my beautiful wife.

Speaker 1 I'm looking after the kids every day. At the moment, my wife is unwell and she was in bed.
And I've just got the kids every day.

Speaker 1 And I just try and tie them out with they're just going around the night.

Speaker 1 Other children on the street, they want my weird children to go away from them because they suckle up to them and ask to play with their basketball.

Speaker 1 I taught him how to swim. That was a big, that was a big break,

Speaker 1 going to the pool. And I just try and exhaust my ADHD daughter by forcing her to swim.
She's, I'm tired, dad. I go, swim through it.
Yeah. Push on.
Go.

Speaker 1 She's her shoulders are getting yeah it's only been like two weeks but she's gonna be playing you're gonna be watching lady afl

Speaker 1 you're gonna be watching the lady crom

Speaker 1 i hope i just have a trans son who can dominate the league no

Speaker 1 not even for that that'd be nice the crumb is this is heartbreaking this week it's ruined my

Speaker 1 the fact that they

Speaker 1 all he did was call a man

Speaker 1 and they're going to take his career away from him

Speaker 1 is he benched for a little bit for the finals is that first time playing finals in eight years is he on record saying or can he be like i didn't say he copped to it immediately He said they must have had footage.

Speaker 1 I wanted him to come out as gay. I thought that would have been that would have been the move, but he's he loves the ladies.
Yeah. Sweet Isaac.
And then he went to Italy to cool down.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's not good. I know.
He should still be training. If you guys lose the first,

Speaker 1 still make it to the granny. I don't think he was doing well.
We've all got a rally behind us. He's not getting banned from the league.
He just got suspended, right? But it's four games.

Speaker 1 So if you lose the first game, he can still. He's really picked it up.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to get to the granny. You're grinding the tape.
I've been grinding the the tape. This is the dream.
I'm afraid to grind the teeth.

Speaker 1 The dream is that we lose the first game of the finals, and then he would get to play in the grand final. But what is nice about the AFL is you can't be taken off for a foul.

Speaker 1 You can be suspended afterwards, but they can't take you off at any point in the game. So when you announce your retirement before the grand final, the violence is astronomical.

Speaker 1 So you get a blank check. They can't do anything to you.
Do you think Texas is going to hit the if Tex retires? You think he's going to go wild? Yeah, I reckon. The arms might come out.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think so. Yeah.
I reckon. Nice.
I reckon the arms might come out on big ticks. We need a granny for Adelaide up the chrome.
Up the chrome. Up the fucking.

Speaker 1 I would like to see my trans daughter dominate in sports. If I'm being honest, if it's like, you know, because it's a lot to process.
Can you imagine having a trans daughter losing all those sports?

Speaker 1 Go.

Speaker 1 We're putting it back on. There was an Indian trans at the Olympics intersex who couldn't still couldn't keep up with the ladies.
Yeah. Well, that's damn.

Speaker 1 And the people who are in the middle of the game. Although that's kind of hardening.
It's like, damn, you really are a fucking girl. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thought you were a fucking girl.

Speaker 1 You earned it, bud. Yeah, I thought you were fibbing.
I thought you were fibbing for attention in elementary school. You were fucking dead on.

Speaker 1 Get in the car, you fucking unathletic bitch.

Speaker 1 I'd have to stop, though, and be like, be honest with me. You weren't losing out of Kink.
You were throwing that. Was that Kink? Yeah, it was a little kink.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That would be cool, though, just watching, like,

Speaker 1 pure domination and being like, fucking. That's my girl.
Gotta be, everyone's like crying about it, but but what about the also that would fire me the fuck up, dude?

Speaker 1 If I was like uh, the pen swimmers' fucking parents, yeah, be like, get him out of the pool, that's a goddamn yo, shut the fuck up. Science is real, bitch.

Speaker 1 I'd be the biggest lib on earth, dude. If that was my kid, I'd be in there.
I'd be you'd have no choice. I'd hold a Ukraine flag every fucking match.
Yeah, you'd have to. I'd be going crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, unless somehow you can do a jenner.

Speaker 1 Be Republican trans?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Republican trans is the most powerful, dangerous force on the world.
We got to get up in the log cabin.

Speaker 1 You know what the log cabin is?

Speaker 1 What's the log cabin?

Speaker 1 The log cabin is where all the gay Republicans. It's like the gay Republican gathering place.
They call it a log cabin. I don't know why.
The log cabin is where gay Republicans can join. Finally.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you get the log cabin. Out of the toilets and into the beautiful.

Speaker 1 It's the poor guys who have to go to a public toilet. The rich Republican guys.
Log cabin. Go to a fancy log cabin.
I might go there and shake something.

Speaker 1 Shake something for the boys. I might shake something.
Shake something for shake some crime statistics for them. Oh, they probably jizz everywhere.

Speaker 1 You know, my dick's only 13% of what it should be, but it's about to commit 50% of your fucking ass.

Speaker 1 Who's that fucker from South Carolina? Who's that gay fuck?

Speaker 1 I don't know if I should say it like that, but

Speaker 1 you know who I'm talking about. Lindsey Graham.
No, you cannot say that. Lindsey Graham's in there working for the boys, dude.
Honey, I got to go to the log cabin again. Yeah, I was

Speaker 1 bashing pubs. I'm all about it.
I was fucking looking at Audible last night. I was down there.
I was trying to get a book going. What'd you got?

Speaker 1 And then it was like the books under like history. I just looked at the top.
One of them's

Speaker 1 what's that fucking,

Speaker 1 who's the FBI?

Speaker 1 Cash Patel. Cash Patel's book.
It's like American Gangsters or like Political Gangsters. And it's like, how we're going to expose the deep state.
That's his book.

Speaker 1 it's called political got in there and got threatened and he went and then he got

Speaker 1 said Epstein fucking did it but he killed himself yeah you know what turns out the gangsters have done their political gangsters yeah it turns out there actually are political gangsters and they

Speaker 1 cut my head off there's a hubaloo about melania being on the cover of vanity fair one of those magazines i don't know which one and there's people saying like the staff either it's vanity fair or people i don't know but there's a they're saying like the staff is threatening to leave and it for the first time, I've never seen this, but I saw one of the, and it could have just been a bot on Twitter, but someone was like, God, do you fucking like it?

Speaker 1 There's 100 million of us Trumpers, and we'll get them. We will support this magazine, stand against the fascists.
And I was like, whoa, the libs are fascist now? The libs?

Speaker 1 I didn't know the libs are fascist. I got to give me some of that Vanity Fair magazine.
Dude, they're like, we are 100 million strong. We will support you, Belania, on your cover of Vanity Fair.

Speaker 1 They're both fascists. That's both sides of Congress.
I think now if someone who disagrees with you is a fascist. Did you see Marin this week? No.
No. He's coming for Chappelle.

Speaker 1 He's saying that Netflix standing with Chappelle showed that they were a fascist organization. They are.

Speaker 1 He's right. They are.
No.

Speaker 1 I'm feeling the wind.

Speaker 1 Stop kidding.

Speaker 1 I'm feeling the wind. I'm feeling the wind shift.
I'm going full work, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm going full fucking work. I am too.
Fucking fascist, dude. What did that guy say in the soccer game? Piece of shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Piece of shit. Dude, Cracker Barrel, I was furious.
I was fucking livid, dude. They reversed it today.
They took it back.

Speaker 1 They pussies. What happened to Cracker Barrel? You're a girl.
Cracker Barrel is a bunch of pussy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can't fold, dude.

Speaker 1 Cracker Barrel took the old white guy off the cover. What? And

Speaker 1 everyone was like, you fucking pussies, woke pussy. Everyone's fascism.
That's fascism. Also, what is even woke about taking an old white guy off a thing? A cracker barrel.

Speaker 1 Why did they take the cracker off there? They took the cracker and the barrel off. What? Oh, the barrel too? The barrel.
Yeah, it just said cracker barrel and like shitty. It was a terrible redesign.

Speaker 1 But nobody was mad about it. I mean, I guess people were upset.
They were like, this is a bad redesign. That would have been a fair critique.
But instead, people were like, fucking woke bullshit.

Speaker 1 I want my cracker barrel. But I'm a cracker old guy.
So wait, they put him on.

Speaker 1 I don't understand.

Speaker 1 What was the redesign of? I just said cracker barrel. It's just a yellow boundary.
There's a Jewish guy sitting there next to the word cracker cracker barrel. They got rid of the guy.
Was he a Jew?

Speaker 1 He was a singer. I mean, if you really want to look into the history, yeah, probably.

Speaker 1 Purveyor of fine cheeses.

Speaker 1 I thought there was going to be a logo spaz on the Notre Dame guy. What did they do with that? They changed it to a guy running the football.
And

Speaker 1 when we were filming that commercial, they showed me the Under Armor people were like, here's the new logo. Here's the new leprechaun.
And I was like, yo, you guys, you don't know what you're doing.

Speaker 1 Why did they know? If you changed this guy, you guys are fucked. Wait, is it the same guy? This guy was still around, but still sometimes.
He's still around something.

Speaker 1 That's how the Reddit board managed to defend it. It said, no, every team has

Speaker 1 carry something. Alternate logo.
Yeah. You can't get rid of this.
But everybody loves the Lebrecon.

Speaker 1 That's next week. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Suiam. This Sunday.
This Sunday? Yes.

Speaker 1 Week Zero has been good, though. I'm not going to go.
I got to go.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be in Chicago till Sunday. I'm going to fly to PA.
I'm going to watch it. You're going to be sucked.
I'm going to watch Note in Miami and Pennsylvania. Where? Chicago?

Speaker 1 Chicago is Christians. Oh, no, it's at Miami.
It's at Miami, bro. And honestly, they don't have a good track record down in Miami.
Matt, you're exactly right. I've been watching the tape.

Speaker 1 They've had a tape. It's a tough time.
You've been grinding the tape.

Speaker 1 They don't do well at Miami because it's a fucking Miami Super Bowl. Is your quarterback a true freshman? Redshirt, Matt.
He's a red shirt. He's a red shirt.

Speaker 1 He's going up against Carson Beck, who's a transfer from Georgia, who had a hell of a career. Oh, no.
And he's at Miami now. So the quarterback, we'll see.
We're going to have to protect him.

Speaker 1 We're going to have to protect young CJ. Yeah, true.
Yeah. It's going to come down to the nose tackle from what I gather from my next nose tackle.
You've been grinding fucking.

Speaker 1 You've been grinding the tape, dude. It's crazy.
That's my take, personally. That's my take.
That's going to come down to that nose tackle. Because we all know who they got that defense event.

Speaker 1 Exactly. We know about that defense.
That D-tackle can eat up two blockers, and now you're leaving one-on-one a tackle with that D-end.

Speaker 1 I mean, God forbid, a fucking running back picking up the pass block. How long? So when they played Ohio, that one drive was what, about 18-minute drive? Because I want to see him do something.

Speaker 1 It was your first drive. It was 18 plays.
18 plays. That's what it was.

Speaker 1 It was the whole first quarter it was yeah I want to see I want to see a couple more little something a little more explosive a little more dynamic in terms of going down the field well that's that's what we're hoping with this quarterback there we go he's got more of an arm does he yeah there we go last guy was a runner yeah but I'll tell you what third and one you're getting that first down with that quarterback yeah his short area acceleration and he's bro he's willing to die for that yard when you see your quarterback let's say let's say you're a left tackle you got a bum ankle all right you see your quarterback dive across that fucking first down marker suddenly that ankle doesn't hurt that bad anymore you go this whole team's ready to die right now.

Speaker 1 Well, now, how's Jeremiah Love's body? He's holding up. Has he come back? Jeremiah Love's body is looking nice.
All right, good.

Speaker 1 His body is looking good. We're going to have to keep him healthy.
You're exactly right, James. But we got good Ja Darian Price is back there, Neos Williams.
We got some good running backs.

Speaker 1 I'm not worried about that. I followed in the offseason as

Speaker 1 Svelte boys would walk around the Notre Dame campus, and the press coverage from this is incredible. Take a picture of the boys.
You go, this kid's looking strong. That's one way to do it.

Speaker 1 A 17-year-old with beautiful shoulders. That's a news story for Noted Day.
A 17-year-old with big shoulders is walking around the campus. We saw him smiling with Coach Freeman.
That's good.

Speaker 1 That's good stuff.

Speaker 1 You know who else is what? Me. I'm the one who's reading that.

Speaker 1 Get him. Get him.
Do you make a Reddit exception for reading about Notre Dame? No, I stay off Reddit.

Speaker 1 You get to miss out on all of the real Notre Dame. No, if I open Reddit, the first thing I see is Shangilla's fucking blows.

Speaker 1 I can't get on that. He's very positive.
It's not. Do you think the coach ever, like, during locker time, just looks at the muscles of all of his team? In, like, a good way.

Speaker 1 Like, damn, these guys have so many fucking muscles. This is like the

Speaker 1 physical machinery.

Speaker 1 I would. No, like, that's a guy's job.
That's awesome. Yeah.
It's fucking. That's why strength and conditioning systems are like out of their mind.
True. They're like serious about that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's fucking awesome. Just getting that extra.

Speaker 1 You want your team to pass the eye test. Yes.
You want to win the game getting off the bus.

Speaker 1 You see those boys get off the bus, you go, ooh, it's gonna be a long day. I like the one we played Georgia, and many of them were fat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the commentary gets stuck in on fat teenagers playing before they're gonna be like, hmm, strength of your business program might have a couple of questions to answer.

Speaker 1 I've exhausted all my grind the tape stuff I memorized, dude. I'm out.
You gotta get more.

Speaker 1 You gotta get more. Well, we were watching nasty YouTube videos about the Comedy Wars.
Yeah. And I was like, what are we doing? Let's get something.
Let's get something positive.

Speaker 1 I had to stop. Put on fucking grind the tape.
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The fate of the universe hangs in the balance, bro. Well, the comedy wars?

Speaker 1 Yes. Dude.

Speaker 1 The Austin comedy scene is too powerful. LA and New York need to unite to destroy the Austin comedy scene.
How are they going to stop it?

Speaker 1 So we have all the butt wipes. We have all the butt wipes.

Speaker 1 They're doing a a nice, successful blockade on the butt wipes. They're going into like deep political theory and be like, it's actually fascist.

Speaker 1 It's going to backfire. You can't do that.
Blue Chew, are you okay?

Speaker 1 You can't call a group fascist. But then you can't say you're not fascist.
It's going to be like Cracker Barrel. It's going to be like Vanity Fair.
True. You can't do that.
True.

Speaker 1 They're going to go, well,

Speaker 1 there's a thousand disabled guys going, we will do it with you.

Speaker 1 The disabled guys are a little nasty fuck.

Speaker 1 They're the one

Speaker 1 climber fuckers.

Speaker 1 Dude, yeah.

Speaker 1 Think about it. You think because of the disability, you're like, this guy must be a sweetheart.
Then you talk to him and you go,

Speaker 1 this guy's a little climber. This guy's a little nasty fuck.

Speaker 1 Think about the dreadful. That could be any of them.
I'm not.

Speaker 1 Some of them don't have a lot of time. They've got to establish the career very quickly.
I think those guys, they seem good.

Speaker 1 Which specific disabed? They're all fake.

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 1 think about the fucking dread and like drudgery of just being like a healthy young man in an office. You're like, I got to escape this form that is my life.

Speaker 1 If you fucking strap me down and like scramble my fucking wires, I'd be like,

Speaker 1 I got to fucking do something about this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you got to nothing but respect for the disabled bros. For sure.
Killing it. They get me every time.
Does New York have any disabled men? A lot of stairs in that situation.

Speaker 1 There's a couple disabled men? A lot of fake ass motherfuckers. Yeah, the cells.

Speaker 1 True.

Speaker 1 Yeah, is that place even fucking?

Speaker 1 Is that place 88 compliant, by the way? The stand? Let me find out who someone's at 88 compliant. If you go in the front, yeah, they'll get some of those guys.

Speaker 1 I was about to make a YouTube video, thank God. I was about to fucking trash the dude.
The New York comedy scene, we're coming for you.

Speaker 1 We need ramps. We need ramps, dude.
That's one thing Austin's got a fuck ton of.

Speaker 1 Every comedian takes 30 minutes to get to the stage. They got to sit on one of those fucking

Speaker 1 parties. Everyone's just getting dipped in by those pools in our chairs.
We should get a zip line from the balcony.

Speaker 1 I still get moved every time when I see a dude with like genuine disabilities doing his thing on stage because to me, it's like I don't know, I would give in.

Speaker 1 It would just be too much for me. I don't know that my spirit would be resilient enough to fucking practice the sacred art form that I stand up comedy.
Dude, it's such a sacred art.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's what the thing that's driving me during the Comedy Wars is how sacred the art is.

Speaker 1 That's all. Yeah, dude.
The Comedy Wars will pass. Yeah, well, they'll pass.

Speaker 1 It'll pass. This is what I was, I got to go to New York last year.

Speaker 1 I'm going back to Philly for about six months. So

Speaker 1 I'm out. Fuck the Austin scene, dude.
No. I'm back East Coast still having that East Coast all day.

Speaker 1 I talk to the people in the New York, and everyone talks a big game, and then when they see you, they're very interested in knowing how that's working. And

Speaker 1 can they get a little piece of that? There's a hopelessness out there.

Speaker 1 LA, you say, what are the podcasts that you can go on here? They got nothing. They got the Bad Friends universe.
No, there's a lot. There's a fucking.

Speaker 1 LA and New York are doing great. No, New York's doing great on the podcast.
LA's got a job. If you're Bill Close Friends,

Speaker 1 out there. Yes, that's number three.

Speaker 1 There's a lot. And name a fourth.
Name a fourth coming up. How many people are fucking here?

Speaker 1 We've got the Matt and Shane Secret podcast. We've got the Joe Browns.
That's Philly. That's East Coast all day.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 you got to take the Stuff Island being here. Philly all day.
That's Philly podcast. What am I Australian podcast doing? Philly.

Speaker 1 It depends on you. You got that lovely woman with the teacher.
Philly comedian.

Speaker 1 Philly can almost not look at her boobs the whole time.

Speaker 1 We're like the Jews of the comedy series.

Speaker 1 We got kicked out of New York.

Speaker 1 We are true.

Speaker 1 Every four years.

Speaker 1 We come in, we take all the butt wipes. We go, yeah, we're going back to Philly.

Speaker 1 Yeah, true. Damn, dude.
We need Congress to send like 9 million butt wipes to Philadelphia. We're going to get everything.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Damn, I never thought of us as the.

Speaker 1 Here we are. Tried to go to New York.

Speaker 1 Most of us got spewed out.

Speaker 1 Start telling people I can't perform on Saturdays.

Speaker 1 Sorry, you guys. Are you Jewish? No, I'm from the Philadelphia comedy scene.

Speaker 1 I'm Orthodox. You might have heard of us.
I'm Orthodox. We have to wear gym shorts at all times.
We have to return, dude. We have to return to our homeland.
Beezer's the only one holding it down.

Speaker 1 He's in a tunnel. Beezer's definitely acidic, dude.

Speaker 1 He's ultra fucking Philly comedy scene. Yeah.
That's what he's doing right now, for real.

Speaker 1 I can't wait to take my birthright back to Philly. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm so excited. I also like LA.
I was just out there

Speaker 1 on special. It's really nice.
I like

Speaker 1 the comedy stores. Fucking great.
I know. I like everywhere.
Everything's, yeah. I hope it doesn't devolve into a baggy Tupac situation.
I don't want to see.

Speaker 1 I don't don't want to rosa get shot in 92.

Speaker 1 He's also a Philly. He's one of us.
He migrates anyway.

Speaker 1 You see him fucking pictures with Tony. He has a fucking deli, dude.
He hasn't got a deli. He's a fucking Jewish deli.

Speaker 1 Fuck. Kurt Metzger.

Speaker 1 Mascara Philly. He's also, yeah.

Speaker 1 He's an extreme Zionist, though. He's extreme.
All true extreme.

Speaker 1 What a a good time. Everyone will relax and have a good time.
I really don't.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, the butt white money is driving everyone crazy. How much are these butt people paying for podcast?

Speaker 1 My booty too clean for them to have been in touch with me, but I... You wouldn't believe it.
I would love to do it.

Speaker 1 No offense, dude. Your booty must be a fucking cleaner.
You shower like every three days. I got a fly.
Your booty must be a goddamn thing. Clean what's the ass-like, for real.

Speaker 1 Well, the ass doesn't exist, so it's straight butthole to a seat.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
Oh, it's easy to get in, for sure. Absolutely no way.
If you don't shower for like three days, I've become a daily habitual shower.

Speaker 1 That's what I, you're going to have to not today, obviously, but most

Speaker 1 before bedtime. That's what I do.
I do before bedtime. You got to shower before bed.
Before bedtime. Like, if I feel, if my legs feel even like a dry sweat on them at all, I got to get out of bed.

Speaker 1 Shower up. Seriously, how much is the bum money?

Speaker 1 James, it's literally starting. It's like oil money.
Just look up how much a barrel of oil is. Same fucking price.

Speaker 1 Same thing. None of them will.
That's when I could actually... They try and get me for the...
I couldn't do condoms, and I don't think I could do sports bed gambling. Butt wipes.

Speaker 1 Butt wipes have never been in touch. I would love to.
I could do erection ones. Boner pills? I'd say I'd do like the Pele ones.
I've never had a problem with getting an erection, but if I did.

Speaker 1 There's butt wipes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, butt wipes is obviously the biggest.

Speaker 1 I'm hearing the butt wipes everywhere. Sometimes a video game.
That seems like a good.

Speaker 1 You can get a video game.

Speaker 1 Careful. That's like putting on the ring.
Once you read one butt wipes app.

Speaker 1 Why is Coca-Cola not getting involved or something?

Speaker 1 Where's Cracker Barrel? Cracker Barrel should double pivot back. I was hoping they didn't pivot so I could get another commercial.
True. You want it to be the face of.
I would easily do that.

Speaker 1 I love Cracker Barrel. I would support Cracker Bell.

Speaker 1 They have like a good. I knew people who loved Cracker Barrel, and I think it was like the cheddar.
They got some good cheddar going on there, I believe.

Speaker 1 There was a Cracker Barrel right next to my house growing up. You used to hit it? Didn't hit it as much as I should have.

Speaker 1 They got biscuits, though, don't they? I probably went like once, and it was like a 10-minute drive. There's nothing.
I think I went to Cracker Barrel once as well.

Speaker 1 It's right next to a best western in a pitching putt. Did you know anyone who's like, who like loves Cracker Barrel? I knew one person in my life who loved Cracker Barrel.

Speaker 1 I've hit a Cracker Barrel on the road and been genuinely pumped. This place was decent.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wasn't Cracker Barrel like a big candy? Like, isn't that their front? You go to the camera. There's some hard candy up front.
That's all I remember. I went there.

Speaker 1 The gift shop. Gift shops popping.
What did they sell? Fucking rocking chairs. What? Old toys.
Beautiful dresses for chasing.

Speaker 1 That's all I remember is that rock candy on the street. People like to put racism on Cracker Barrel, and I don't like it.
What were they racist about? I think

Speaker 1 when I used to go as a racist,

Speaker 1 not as racist as Chick-fil-A. I have seen many black people waiting tables at the Cracker Barrel.
That is not a racist establishment at all. Well, that's not how you say it.
Yeah, that's.

Speaker 1 Is that not it? Is that not cool? That would be the most. They're hiring black people.
And waiters. They're giving jobs.
Yeah, and waiters kind of star the show, to be honest.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say something.
Well, it's okay, it's not that serious. Don't worry, dude.
We're under the spotlight, though. The podcast for us.

Speaker 1 I've seen some of these videos.

Speaker 1 Butwives, forgive us, dude. Never give him butt wives, never give him away.

Speaker 1 They go in the Austin Comedy sing, except Shane Gillis, and then they move on. They kind of go out of the comments.

Speaker 1 They don't want the fucking ADL coming after them, dude. They know I'm Harris.
Yeah, true. I'm exactly.
I might be Netanyahu from Philly. Yeah.
God damn. I was in Ardmore.
That was my last job.

Speaker 1 Fuck, I'm Netanyahu.

Speaker 1 You're ancestry.com. Connect you right to David.
I did.

Speaker 1 Went straight to David.

Speaker 1 I did my medieval dynasty. The first player was David.

Speaker 1 It'll blow over. It's a bunch of bullshit, man.

Speaker 1 Motherfucking bullshit. Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing.
It is. It's deeply.
Deeply. A bunch of bickering.
I don't like it. We're better together.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying. Stop Austin hate.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Stop Austin hate.

Speaker 1 Don't make

Speaker 1 Austin check. Throwing us up in the street.
Throwing us in front of fucking trains and shit. Stop Austin hate.
Yeah, true. Who do you think is fucking?

Speaker 1 You think it's a New York comic who's been murdering everyone by Lady Bird Lake? Certainly. Without a doubt.
She is fucking immature. Mark Maron is stalking the streets at night.

Speaker 1 Killing hacks.

Speaker 1 Slaying all the hacks.

Speaker 1 Say, you might be on Assassin's Creed. Just sits in the back of an open mic and goes, I do respect being inspired.
Yeah, yeah. I do respect being old and just being like, fucking hacks.

Speaker 1 Everyone sucks. They're all fucking hacks.
That could be the life cycle I'm in. Open mic, I was sitting around going,

Speaker 1 everyone's a fucking hack piece of shit. They suck.
Who have you become? This is, yeah, this is what you've done since day one. Who have I called a hack? I've seen you up the back of comedy rooms.

Speaker 1 Okay, in private. Yeah, no, in private.
Not in private. You're very good in public, but.
No. Yeah.
I'll be. I remember one of the first times we hung out, we were at the cellar, and I was watching.

Speaker 1 I said, this guy's good. You're like, it's cheap.
Everything he does is cheap. No, I wouldn't say it like that.

Speaker 1 I remember being like, ah, he's going to watch me at some point.

Speaker 1 Who was it? Blank this out. I don't actually.
I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you.
I would never throw someone under the bus like that. True.
Not a brotherhood.

Speaker 1 The brotherhood will be back. The brotherhood will be back.

Speaker 1 Trust me, bro. But you will also call it.
When a person is good and people dislike them in the scene, you will champion them in the reverse.

Speaker 1 You'll go, that guy's actually great and you don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, look at you.

Speaker 1 I walked into that. I walked right into that and I understand.

Speaker 1 You set a trap and fell right into it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, if I'm sitting there saying somebody sucks on stage, it's usually because I'm about to go next and I'm nervous. That's a hype up for sure.
Let me sit there going, this crap fucking sucks, dude.

Speaker 1 That's a bullshit hack. Fucking trash.
Fuck that.

Speaker 1 And then I get done with my side. I'm like, you did great, man.
That was fucking really good. I'm really relieved right now.
I'm ready to socialize.

Speaker 1 I actually, I want to bounce that out with a positive anecdote because it was the same night that that happened. There was a comedian that you really liked that other people were shitting on.

Speaker 1 And I won't say it. You got into it.
And I actually wanted to go home. I wanted to order the Uber and take us back.
But you stood arguing for 90 minutes

Speaker 1 defending someone's comedic chops. Nice.
Yes. Do you not remember that?

Speaker 1 I mean, you were. You had had a few.
Also,

Speaker 1 thank you for that, by the way.

Speaker 1 No, hold on. Now we'll blank it out.
Who was it?

Speaker 1 Wow, wow. Yeah.
Well, that's what you, yeah. Come on, man.
That's just hanging around the cellar. That's just table stuff, you know? True.
That's just being at the table. That's nice.

Speaker 1 That's a nice Templar. That's where that kind of talk belongs, dude.

Speaker 1 You can't, you can't take it. You can't give it out to the civilians for free, dude.
No, bro.

Speaker 1 You can't defuse the legendary hang. There's so many fucking assassins down here.
We got it.

Speaker 1 No, it'll cool down. Yeah.
Let's talk about it. Once they replace all of our jobs with AI, we'll chill out and go, hey man, I'm sorry about that what I said back in 2025.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've been getting the Waymo. They've been giving me the Waymos for the first time.
I still haven't been in Waymo. I won't.
I'm not now.

Speaker 1 Once they crack, I think they eventually go, do you want one Waymo? And if you like it, then they just, nothing but Waymos. They're the new.
They suck.

Speaker 1 What's good with them? I hate the Waymos. Maybe because I got a lot of people.
Oh, you got far from the city? No, I didn't get it.

Speaker 1 Smoking cigs in a Waymo.

Speaker 1 I got away with that scot-free.

Speaker 1 You're a cam, are you? That's off record.

Speaker 1 What were you doing in the Waymo?

Speaker 1 I was smoking a cigarette in the Waymo, but I didn't get in trouble, but it takes too long. Maybe I live too far away from the city.
They don't want to go on the freeway.

Speaker 1 They can't go on the highway, so it'll take you like 30 minutes to do like a 10-minute drive. How'd you smoke the cig?

Speaker 1 Opened up the window, lit it up.

Speaker 1 With the mouth. Yeah, with my butt.

Speaker 1 So you can't. You're on cam, so they couldn't see.

Speaker 1 I'd imagine they saw me, but you got to be on camera, right? They tell you

Speaker 1 we're watching you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And if you sat, I'd imagine if you sat right behind the seat up against it, you could, in theory, beat off in the Waymo.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I guarantee a lot of people have jacked off. Yeah, I was thinking it might be just like Jack Shacks.
Yeah. People drink beers in there.
There'll be beers left in there.

Speaker 1 It seems like it's kind of just open season on their side. It sounds awesome from what you're describing.
It's awesome.

Speaker 1 It just takes way too long and it drives me nuts when I'm these are so weird to thank I go every time I go to get I go thank you and I go ah oh damn yeah

Speaker 1 They're like the new punch buggies for my kids. My kids see those and they're like, robot car.
So I'm not going to be.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be honest. I'm with your kids on that.
Yeah, dude. First couple of times I saw the robot cars.
I was like, oh,

Speaker 1 I'm just driving by myself. Oh,

Speaker 1 oh, shit. Fucking robot.

Speaker 1 Looking to verify. Nobody's driving that.
No one's driving that.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. I'm going to fucking flick it up.
I'm going to swerve at it. I do that all the time.
I try and threaten the way.

Speaker 1 I threaten the waymos. I threaten those fucking Waymos.
Sometimes they threaten you. They're not very good at driving still.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've been cut off by a lot of people. I'm flying back to Australia, though.
What? Waymo sounds like a nice fucking derogatory Australian term.

Speaker 1 Wham, you fucking Waymog. Fucking cunt Waymog.

Speaker 1 Look at you. You fucking Waymog.
It'd be nice to take some new slurs back. Sadly, we.

Speaker 1 You guys have good slurs. When I go back to, you know, whenever I go back, I'm going to lose all my Australian things that I can say over here that no one understands.
But you can do American ones.

Speaker 1 Which I would, I don't say, actually, forget that I.

Speaker 1 We know all the American ones, sadly. Ah, yeah, you do.

Speaker 1 Waymo and Waymo is nice.

Speaker 1 Back, not that I like saying that. Is that a weather thing? Wet back? Yeah.
We don't call anybody that. We don't have.
What did you think of it? Who the fuck was it? Goo back.

Speaker 1 There's the South Park episode where they have goo over. What was the other one? A wet back? Yes.

Speaker 1 Terrible thing, I'm told, to call somebody. Yeah, you shouldn't say that.
But our Latin Americans are all rich people. They flew over.
We don't have any walk-in Latin Americans.

Speaker 1 We only have the Venezuelans who've

Speaker 1 Different appointments, sir.

Speaker 1 Every Latin American person is an aristocrat in my country.

Speaker 1 People who fled Venezuela because they were being cruel to the middle classes. They come out.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a very fancy view.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Venezuela is an interesting. What's the other one? There's Venezuela and I'm fucking blanking on the name of the South American country.
Where all the Nazis went? Argentina. Yeah, Argentina.

Speaker 1 Buenos Aires. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's my way, Mo. Whenever I meet someone who's like, oh, they're Argentinian and they're like white, I go,

Speaker 1 like, tap my wife. I'm like, this grandfather might have been a Nazi.
Don't freak out. Yeah.
I learned about that on a YouTube video. Should be cool.

Speaker 1 What did your grandparents do? Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 They might have. I wonder if Argentina had natural honks because it's so far from the equator.
But I don't know who walked there or how the civilization started down there. Hmm.

Speaker 1 I never thought about their natural honk. They might have naturalized honks just because it's so far from the equator.
It's like being from North America. Interesting.

Speaker 1 We didn't have any natural honks. Yeah.
Full honks. There were no natural honks on this hemisphere.
Yeah, maybe Aryan wanderers from way back when. True.
Stuff of Nazi rules. From the 1940s.

Speaker 1 Just some Aryan wanderers.

Speaker 1 It was superior. Yeah, it was their technology.
Yeah, Leonel Messi's awfully white. Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they, dude, I didn't read the book, but I got it on my, whatchamacallit, on my audible, and it's all about the indo-european language and how it's like it is kind of weird that english is kind of close in a way to sanskrit and all those like middle eastern languages bear a resemblance to english which kind of well then there's the weird there's the fins who seem to come from no nowhere and the hunger they have their weird thing my favorite is the pacific islander peoples which i what about them no one knows where they come from i know they just how they keep getting on other islands dude they're just fucking wayfinders bro the rafts put your hand in the water no i know but bro that's good off moana I admit it, but I mean, they were just getting on fucking tree-made fucking canoes and going.

Speaker 1 They made it to Madagascar. They made it so far.
It's fucking crazy, man.

Speaker 1 Impossibly far. It's fucked up.
When you see the raft technology, it's pretty insane. And then to just get there and go, all right.
Yeah, fired up. Let's get some.
Hopefully, they brought a woman.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they probably had a couple. A couple babes.
That's crazy. Waying down the butt.

Speaker 1 All right, let's switch over to the Patreon. That's a disgusting way to end it.
I love patient

Speaker 1 people.

Speaker 1 Goodbye. My wife is Simoan.