Ep 574 - War of the Butt Wipes (feat. James McCann)

Wow!

Wow, wow, Wes.

Let's keep an eye on my balls this time.

Dude, the blurs.

The blur made it worse.

The blurs.

You did that on purpose.

You said it.

Oh, snake.

You could have used a black blur.

Black box would have been nice.

Black box would have been great.

He used

a fleshy blur.

It looked like I had so many people, my friends, text me, like, was your dick and nuts really out?

I'm really sorry about that.

Sure.

You reveled in it.

You reveled in it.

The blur for real.

He was texting me, like, he was like, really sorry.

I was like, dude, I swear to God, I don't care.

What did you catch?

Like, you cut, you caught like slut cleavage.

You got like slut cleavage, I think.

And then you got a little bit of butchy.

It was like upper thigh fat.

That's like a devastating fat.

Yeah.

It's white.

It was white.

Very white.

He has not seen the sun.

I was.

Getting into the shower recently, and my wife was laughing at my white ass.

And she goes, I'm going to take a picture and send it to Shane.

I was like, his ass is the same as mine.

I was just like, he's just like, yeah, it looks just like my ass.

So it's so funny.

He's like, how'd you get a picture of my my ass?

He's not going to be like, what the fuck?

No,

I found my ass last night.

It was on TV.

I was watching Alien last night.

Sigourney Weaver just has my ass for no reason.

What?

Take a look at Sigourney Weaver's ass in Alien.

She's got a full-on pale peasant's ass, dude.

Some medieval dynasty ass.

Sigourney Weaver's ass in the movie is.

What year is that?

I don't know.

That's when tiny Heinz ruled.

She had the tiniest hiney.

Can I see her, Heiney?

She's got a man's ass.

She's got a nice pale Irish ass.

Yo, what the fuck, dude?

She would die right now if someone saw her ass.

I don't think women can survive with an ass like that anymore.

She looks good in it.

Tiny Heinys?

Out of nowhere at the end of the movie, Scorney Weaver just gets in

underwear and tits out, basically.

What?

It's pretty sad.

Oh, and yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was like one of the scenes.

There was a tits and leprechaun.

There was the alien scene.

There was a sex scene in Titanic.

Tits and Leprecha was the first time I got in trouble from my parents.

Yeah, that was...

Came into the basement at my friend's house, and we had it paused on Tits and Leprechaun.

That was.

The fuck is this?

I swear to God, it wasn't me.

That was.

Those movies were the goon boon back in the day.

Yep.

There was no other opportunity, dude.

You'd have to wait.

You had to pray to perfectly craft what you were like, yo, I heard there's boobs in Leprechaun in space.

I'm going to tell my mom I'm going to rent Leprechaun in space.

She's not going to hopefully check.

Yeah, you're like a cargo cult just waiting on just like the forces of the world to move around.

You'd be like, oh, they're back.

Tits are back now.

Music videos were my mainstay.

Yeah, you had to BT late night.

Yeah,

that was big for me.

Yeah.

It was huge.

But anyway, that's the main order of business, which I already told you, is yesterday I had a very important,

I had a business meeting.

Big Hollywood stuff.

Yeah.

And I woke up late, and

meeting was delayed about an hour because of how late I was.

Not because I was out partying that, but because I was up till 4 a.m.

playing Medieval Dynasty.

And if you ever played that game, you realize that's a real fucking psychotic move.

I was literally chopping trees for six hours, dude.

Gathering sticks.

I'm forgetting all the sticks you got.

I got a lot of sticks.

I got a lot of sticks and stones.

And the village you showed me, I was fucking.

The village is astounding.

I was like really preparing myself.

You told me about it.

and I was like, dude, be supportive because I thought you were going to show me some rinky-dink bullshit.

No.

Bro, that was like, what, a six-hut village with

a Yee old blacksmithy?

That would have taken a normal man weeks.

It took me one day of just a really pathetic day.

At what cost?

The cost was I was late for a pretty important meeting that I thought was going to be like three writers.

It ended up being the director and the star of the movie waiting for me.

I don't want to spill the beans, but I was shocked, dude.

Your eyes are red and puffy.

Bro, Bro, I got, I was like, oh, fuck.

It was like, you know, when you're like late for school or work or something, I woke up, like, oh, shit, I slept through my alarm.

I just joined the meeting, seeing if they were still there.

So from my bed, in the dark, I joined the meeting.

And you can block out who it is.

It was

like, what's up, dude?

Sorry.

I just woke up.

Sorry to make you wait.

From the darkness.

From the darkness, they watched me walk into the light.

And your face was definitely

dark red.

I tried to put on sunglasses.

I was like, I got to put on sunglasses.

You can't see me.

And I put on sunglasses.

I was like, what the fuck am I doing?

This is what I look like.

And

I told him, I explained exactly what I was doing.

I was like, I wasn't out partying.

This is from me

checking my clock way too late gaming.

I was going, it's probably two, four.

I was like, Jesus.

Dude, gathering sticks, literally sticks and stones.

Literally just

chopping logs all night so that my village

starts fucking weaving baskets that I run to the town to sell for fucking $2

over and over again.

It's fucked up.

It's really fucked up to do that.

There's no like reward in the game.

Just, yeah, it's dude.

That game rules out.

That game's awesome.

I can't wait.

I'm going to hit a nice middle.

Also, Corey, you thought you were going to court the fucking your wife.

I courted my babe every morning.

She's pregnant.

Congrats, by the way.

Thank you.

She's pregnant.

She is pregnant.

Thank you, fellas.

She said, Let's meet back in our room at 7 p.m.

And I, oh, are you serious?

I almost jacked off here.

i almost jacked off in reality

oh she's such a sweet angel and then i uh what will you name your medieval son

adolph no this is my son adolph

uh i don't know matthew i'll name him matthew that'd be i'd be a king i'd be honored but what happens in medieval dynasties when you die you live as your son oh that's i was saying that you follow your seed what yeah you got to build a dynasty holy yeah wait so when you died, I don't want to put you on blast.

When you got attacked by a wolf and died, did you come back as your son?

How many respawns?

I came back as myself.

You can come back as yourself.

How many times?

I don't know.

If I would have quit there, that might have ended my dynasty.

I can't do that.

So if you don't respawn, that's over.

If next time, if my son is born, if young Matthew is born,

then I'll go, you know what?

That wolf got me during the hunt.

Whoa, then you come back when he's out of the way.

I came back as my son, yeah.

As a boy or a man?

I'm not sure.

I haven't gotten that far.

I've been chopping logs.

I haven't.

True.

It's true.

I mean, your son's going to take it to such a cabinet.

Got cabbage farm going, carrots.

I saw the apple orchard.

Apple Orchard was just built.

I mean, this is.

And

you had your barley reserves from.

Barley reserves from the last great, that harvest, which I immediately took to town and sold.

Got some clay pots, not a big deal.

Don't talk about the cherry juice.

Oh, don't you dare bring up the cherry juice.

Sorry to bring that up.

This was a low point.

This was a low point for the village.

My sweet wife got me a fucking cherry juice for a gift.

She must have saved up.

$65.

$65.

Where'd she get that money by?

Where'd she get that money from?

Don't you dare.

Don't you dare.

She was tricking.

Matt.

What the fuck, dude?

She was not tricking.

She saved up because she cares about me.

And she got me cherry juice, and then I checked.

Our coffers were low.

I had to pawn the cherry juice to get some fertilizer for the beets.

You gotta do what you gotta do, dude.

I had to get fertilizer and beets.

That wasn't real

point.

Yes.

In his whole cabinet, there's just a chest where his office stuff is in this.

It's just a simple chest.

There's like sticks, rocks, laws, sticks, rocks,

you laugh, but they're fueling that.

You don't see my dynasty.

Mushrooms and cherry juice.

He goes, I gotta sell the cherry juice.

We got to sell it.

What's wrong with that?

He's like, my wife gave it to me.

My wife gave it to me as a gift, dude.

I didn't want to do it.

No, I get that.

I'm going to tell her I drank it.

How are you going to sleep?

You need to drink tart cherry juice.

I'm going to tell her I drank it.

Yeah.

You gozzled it on a hunting expedition.

Yeah.

I got attacked by a fucking wolf.

That was funny.

There's war out there that'll get you.

Is it really?

Yeah, there's all types of creatures that'll eat you.

The forest was scary, dude.

I thought it was a free-for-all.

No, for real, dude.

The forest is nuts.

Sean, don't fucking laugh.

Yeah, Sean.

It's not fucking funny.

You guys, it's all a game to you guys, but to me, it's a true dynasty.

It's a medieval dynasty.

My son, Matthew, will rise, and he's going to take over the big town when I'm going to raise a force.

That'll be nice.

Yeah.

That place will be crazy.

I go in there.

If you don't shower, if you don't get in the water for a while, you stink and nobody will talk to you.

They treat me like a real outcast in there.

I like how you courted your wife.

Every morning I woke up sprinted across the river and was like, hello, I love you.

And then you have to wait the next day to be able to to talk to her again.

The days are long, too.

Long as fuck.

Days, like when you planted those apple trees, I'm like, bro, this is going to be

checked back in in the spring, literally.

It's insane how I, and also, I get excited for my harvest.

Yeah, so I'm like, all right, I'll stay up until the fall.

It just takes six more hours.

It was, it was a real, it was a sad moment.

Seeing the clock hit, it was 3:55, and I was like, this is

something's wrong.

It's so funny waking up for a high-power meeting.

High-power meeting.

I was gathering a fucking Bryce Harper jersey on button.

I I was like, what's up, guys?

Yeah.

Oh, that's all.

I think it worked.

I think that my demeanor in the meeting

was appreciated as possible.

I would venture to guess that you might have been the first person to ever zoom into the meeting, hungover from

medieval conquest.

For sure.

Nobody that's been hungover from medieval dynasty has ever had a power meeting.

And come clean.

Say, fellas, I'm going to come clean to you guys.

I was

building something special.

You guys have your thing going on.

We can talk about that.

but let me just tell you about it.

In hindsight, I should have just been like, yo, I got fucked up with jelly roll last night.

I thought it was less embarrassing to be like, I was playing a video game.

It turns out it was way more embarrassing.

It's so funny.

Yeah.

It's so, especially when you're sitting there, you're like, what the fuck's going on?

Like, dude, I'm

full honesty.

I was up all night playing fucking medieval RPG.

It's like, oh, man, I can't be mad.

Yeah, it was nice.

I think they respected that, though.

You have to.

And also, I was probably dripping medieval fucking swag.

That's they were probably like, this guy is going to be something special.

You might have hit him with a g'day.

You don't even know it.

I have been.

My lord.

Excuse me, my lord.

Excuse my indolence, my lord.

I threw a snowball at the king.

Dude, don't talk about that.

I know.

He might get me.

Yeah, chill.

He wasn't looking, threw a snowball at him, ran out of the fort, back to my fucking side of the river.

I'm a medieval.

I'm a medieval.

You're crazy for bringing that up.

I can't believe you threw a snowball at the fucking king.

I thought something bad was going going to happen.

Nothing.

I mean, dude.

Maybe next time I see him, it's on site.

No, you talked to his son.

You think you would tell the wicked prince?

The prince is a dick, too, by the way.

He is.

I didn't like his fucking vibe at all.

But you talked to the prince.

The prince is just walking around.

The apple which are by the road is a mistake.

Why?

They're going to steal that from me.

They're not going to take it.

Who's going to take your apples?

Just any traveler.

They're going to go, oh, here's some apples.

Oh, dude.

You can not.

They might, yeah, after you make an example out of the first guy.

True.

Told you, have some guards.

Your plan was.

He said my wife was going to get sexually assaulted by highwaymen.

He thinks it's a funny, fun thing to joke about her.

Have your wife guard the apple?

No, she's going to get, they're going to take my apples and sexually assault my wife.

And then I'm going to have to pretend to be more mad about the SA

than the fact that I lost all those apples.

We're going to need those apples.

I was just saying to me,

you got to have someone guarding those fields, dude.

I will.

Literally, that'll be the rest of the game.

So I'll stay there for fucking three straight days in real life.

Honey, get inside.

That game is fucking sick.

So I got that going on.

That's awesome.

This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.

Matt, take it from there.

Well, let me tell you something about these dude wipes right now, man.

I'd love to take it right here.

Here we go.

I'm your butthole.

Yeah, me.

The most overworked, underappreciated part of your body.

Name two or three poor choices that your butthole never appreciates.

For example,

Buffalo Wings, iced coffees, gas station sushi.

Yeah, there's, I mean, all of those.

What's going on?

This is disgusting stuff.

Yeah, jalapeno poppers, root beer floats.

That's a weird one to tie to your butt.

I don't know what that would do to my body.

Root beer floats.

Yeah, they also put in here

two-foot double-ended dill.

Yeah, that's bad for your butt.

Corner store chili cheese dogs.

I'm the one dealing with your poor choices.

That's from the butthole.

What?

And then you drag a dry-ass tissue across me like you're sanding a piece of shit coffee table until I'm a throbbing red balloon knot.

Who the fuck wrote this ad?

Dude wipes available at retailers nationwide and Amazon.

Look, they do fucking rule.

You don't have to write that ad, Reed.

Yeah.

They're good for your butt.

It feels good.

It's, I mean,

traveling with them is for real.

Like my traveling with them is great.

First day of traveling, my ass falls apart.

Turbs, it's just completely blistered.

So you get an oil slick.

Exactly.

And these are designed specifics.

So the oil slick then irritates the skin.

If it was just an oil slick, fine.

But then your skin gets all irritated.

But having these to come back from and just

like after a warrior in battle, just kind of dabbing it.

But yeah.

They're flushable.

Extra large.

And they're flushed with scents like mint chill and shea butter.

Stop being an A-hole to your B-hole.

We take it all back.

That's fucking cool.

Yeah, that was great.

Dude wipes available at retailers nationwide and Amazon.

Yeah, we support this product.

For sure.

All right, what else is going on?

Just distracting yourself from the comedy wars.

The comedy wars are in full effect, dude.

The comedy wars.

The comedy wars.

The war for the butt wipes.

Yes, we have all the butt wipes.

We have the comedips.

We have our butt wipes.

They want to take our butt wipe sponsors.

Our seed is still young, and our butt wipes may dwindle.

The butt wipes will slip through our fingertips and into the hands of more experienced podcasters.

Yes.

You're just mad to have all the butt wipes.

So sad to see, man.

It's tough to see.

No what I got to say to everybody.

And sorry if you don't like this.

I hope they all find peace and joy and happiness, dude.

For real.

Yeah.

I hope everybody does.

I hope I do.

That'd be fucking sick.

Yeah, dude.

You keep working like I saw you fucking work.

I know I was working.

I had a good day.

I had a good day yesterday, too.

Got in in the pool, laid around, said, you know what?

It's time to build a hut.

How'd you hear about that game?

I had it a while ago.

It was

so boring, I stopped.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, it takes like a level of like,

I don't know.

I know what you mean.

Dude, that's...

Yeah,

I could lock into that, though.

I had the same thing where if it's like, just give me that task.

And like, you see, because that's also, that's slow-going progress, bro.

It's not some like bullshit where you're just hitting X and like walls are appearing.

You're exactly right, Matt.

I'm glad you appreciate what I've done over there.

Dude, I saw the village for real.

Yeah, I need some chickens, though.

I've just built a chicken coop.

Got to get into town and buy some chickens, but I got to sell all those fucking baskets first so I can buy a chicken.

True.

I saw you.

That's kind of where baskets

fucked my village pretty.

I've been using all my sticks that I've gathered.

Those stone tools are nice, though.

I saw those were nice.

$5, $7.

I didn't realize that.

Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense.

The baskets.

You guys are a small commune.

Of course, you made wicker baskets.

Checking for balls.

All right, keep an eye on the balls.

We can't have that again.

Oh, you're looking at his penis.

He checked the lens.

He wanted to see if there's a good shot.

We're good.

So far, we're good.

Sean, if his penis slips down, we lose all the penis.

My penis shoots out of these shorts.

And we lose all our butt wipes?

I'll try

again.

If my penis was able to fly out of these shorts, I would sacrifice all the butt wipes.

I'd be such a happy guy.

Dude,

I knew my dick was too big to be a podcaster.

I can't even sit down anymore.

Instead, I have the perfect design penis for a podcast.

Oh, dude, that thing's not going anywhere.

YouTube loves the size of my penis, dude.

No problem.

Is this podcast safe for kids?

Yes.

Yes.

It is.

Forever, eternally.

So I got Medieval going.

Yeah.

Oasis is on tomorrow.

That's going to be tight.

This is today, Wednesday?

Yeah, tomorrow's Thursday.

Tomorrow's Thursday.

We're going to be there tomorrow night.

Yeah, it'd be fucking sick.

That's crazy.

Yeah, in Chi-Town.

And then so tomorrow, I believe this Under Armour commercial or the internet video comes out tomorrow.

So I can talk about it now.

I'm very excited about it.

I put Phil in it.

Dude.

Phil Gillis makes his acting debut.

Phil kills it, honestly.

He was great.

He was.

Phil and head coach Marcus Freeman of the No Dame Fighting Irish finally on screen together.

People have been begging for this.

It plays well.

Phil does all right.

I swear to to God, you usually can tell if somebody's never, especially like it's like a real fucking thing.

So it's like, yeah, he did great, but it was funny to watch him and Marcus find out about how shitty making a commercial is.

How long it takes.

It takes so every, we did the same scene fucking

so many times.

And both of them were like, all right, we got it, right?

Yeah, like we're gonna

get it from one

camera.

We're gonna switch and do the same thing over and over again.

Yeah, Phil got a little tired.

He was ready to get to the linebacker.

Yeah.

The bar there.

Is this a bar called a linebacker?

Yeah, at Notre Dame, and Phil frequents it.

It is funny because he definitely probably thought, this is like, I was like, probably half an hour.

20 minutes, 30 minutes.

The film is out in half an hour.

It's fucking

long.

It's two minutes long, three minutes long.

It's got to be a fucking 30-minute film.

Yeah, not the case.

Took all day.

Have you grinded the tape at all in the commercial?

I've been grinding the tape.

Did you really?

Yeah.

I've watched it so many times.

What do you think?

Actually, I'm so happy about it.

You have ground the tape.

Yeah, it is like the best thing

seeing Phil at Notre Dame.

It's very nice.

I don't care if the commercial sucks.

It doesn't.

It's good.

Yeah.

But it's nice.

Yeah, just get him in there.

It's nice anyway.

And I called him like the day before we filmed.

Did you really?

Be like, Phil, you're in this.

He's like, okay.

Yeah.

He pretended he was like, all right, Shank, you got to pay me this time.

You got to pay me a lot to get me out there.

I was like,

get on the fucking plane, dude.

Shut up.

He definitely hung up.

I was like, fuck it.

Yeah, Joan, Joan.

Read me my lives.

You got the beautiful flight from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania Pennsylvania to South Bend, Indiana.

Ooh.

You want to see some ugly people?

Get on that fucking flight.

Everyone's hurt.

Everyone's got a disease and it's fucked up.

Harrisburg to Indiana.

That's an ugly bunch.

Phil was probably.

They probably were like, he must be a movie star.

They just catapult a bus all the way.

Just fucking get a greyhound.

Just launch it.

Yeah, Phil must have been.

Yeah, that's why he was so confident.

He probably felt good on that flight.

True.

Yeah.

It's also what was embarrassing because we brought the crew who filmed it was everyone who did tires.

So, but it just, me and my dad both act like we went to Notre Dame.

Like we were driving around.

Like, you see this campus here?

This part of the campus, look at the bricks they use.

It's the same bricks in every building.

A lot of campuses don't have that.

Take a look at that.

I for real forgot you guys both didn't go there.

No, no, no.

I was like, yeah, you guys went there.

Okay, that's right.

None of us went, dude.

We walked around like, yeah, now look at that.

That's the grotto.

I took these fucking animals from Philadelphia to the grotto.

Did you?

They were just screaming.

They were hammered.

They were just making noise.

And I was in there like, shut the fuck up.

You got to knock it off.

Pray.

Yeah, fucking enough of that.

I said a prayer.

I said a prayer for my young baby, Matthew.

Say,

to rise and be strong.

What do you want for your child?

I just, I can't wait to play as him.

You know, I can't wait to inhabit his body.

Yeah, true.

No, I mean, I hope he's as strong of a lumberjack as his father.

True.

That's all we need is more logs.

His father's a skilled craftsman as well.

True.

I saw a couple of fucking put together a stone knife to skin that deer.

Stone knife on the fly.

That was impressive.

Yeah, that's where it gets a little pathetic, where I know exactly how many sticks and stones I need to craft shit.

Anyway, but Phil's acting debut is tomorrow.

That's nice.

Currently, when this is out, hopefully.

I think it's tomorrow.

I know this will be out tomorrow.

I can assure you that.

Gardini's on the case.

All he's got to do is blur your monster hog.

blue this hog out again somebody's got to feed these hogs

dude i

oh man i think i i think i messaged you oh yeah i told gardini about this i came across a thing i think it was like the day we recorded the podcast last week unfortunately my youtube has i've been like curating my youtube because it's just starting getting like annoying political stuff And obviously no jumper comes back up because I think Blizz has been sending me some stuff or I don't know.

But I come across this.

Actually, this came across my feed organically, but

there was a guy who was in the Crips.

And none of this is funny, by the way, because it is a tragic situation.

But, I mean,

dude, I stayed up all night fucking watching this video.

So I didn't know about this guy.

He was in the Crips.

He was like, you know, like a real gangbanger.

And he was doing drugs.

He was on Fent Pack, Ice Pack.

He's doing fentanyl meth.

At least his own words.

Yeah, he was doing that.

Pretty serious pack.

And

he claims

his story is that he was at a party one night.

Someone spiked his perp with meth, which is like, dude, special place in hell.

If you do Fent and Meth, your foraging skills go up to 10.

You were a 10 level forager.

Tis went up too high.

Oh, really?

Yes, because he doesn't remember any of this.

So he just was, you know, out partying.

He was like a gangbanger doing drugs, just living the life.

And he just woke up one morning and everyone called him like, yo, like, what the fuck are you doing?

And he checked the interweb apparently he had been on face time and got dominated by a swedish lady into sucking i believe a phanta bottle and putting it in his butthole

or around i don't know if it went in i don't want to you know it went around or in his butthole and he just got like completely gay dominated by a swedish lady and he goes i don't remember any of it then his whole gang beat his ass oh well they had to what the fuck they had to beat him up they had to beat him up what happened to just razzin a guy no there was no Razzin.

I was just calling Zesty after

fucking action.

It was beyond the game.

So if you do more Zesty shit, me and Matt are going to fucking jump.

We'd have to DP.

Yeah.

Paul's, but that's what it's called.

It's called DPing.

That was big balls.

We have to DP.

We have to DP.

But yeah, dude, it was.

I was shaking in my bed, just laughing like, although it isn't funny, but I was laughing just like.

It's very funny.

Dude, sucking a fan bottle and getting kicked out of a gang is maybe the funny, truly maybe the funniest thing we can get out of the gang for.

He got beat up.

Huh?

Well,

he got beat up, and then he went to jail.

So I think he's still in the gang, according to him.

According to me, too, I say he's still in the gang.

My favorite thing about it was you told me that he blamed it on the Bloods or the Crips or whatever.

Oh, it's just the Bloods set him up.

I think the Bloods set him up.

They spiked him so they could gay dominate him on FaceTime because of the meth.

That's diabolical.

He literally had meth then turned gay.

Just for a night.

Matt, why does meth keep turning everyone kind of gay?

Bro, I don't know.

It does it to people, man.

I think you just have so much energy from it that you just start going like, yeah, I usually don't have time to do gay stuff.

I want to hit the dance floor.

Yeah, it's like I've gotten all of my straight business done.

I still have a whole other half of my day that I usually sleep.

Side quest.

Yeah, you have a whole, like, if you, if you don't sleep for three days, your schedule opens up.

Yeah.

You know?

Because usually it's like, dude, we're so tired.

We work so hard.

We don't have time to be gay.

Yeah.

Wish I did.

Oh, James.

Oh, nice.

James, why don't you just come right in yeah join grab a seat

grab a seat brother grab a seat grab a brother jimes grab a broadcasting apparatus i think i could yeah nice i think good yeah good went to the thinkery thinkery something got all splashy place is a little little too busy for my liking i lost track of the children for whole stretches of time and there's a lot of big kids running around yeah

the place if you have an older kid fantastic for little kids are they lad boys it's it's

full spectrum, bro.

It's no Zark in there.

Yeah.

Two of every kind.

Do you guys true?

It really is.

It is.

It's a lot of old.

It's just like 25 field trips bouncing off of each other like particles, and you just have to grab your three-year-old and be like,

it's like young Simba getting lost in the stampede.

But

also say many beautiful young mothers.

I mean, this I notice every time I'm there, I'm the only dad, and it's all the mothers and the young, sexy nannies, and they're all there.

Yep.

And me and my kids just staring at the

science.

That's what I'm spending my time looking at.

Do you go to the upstairs or the shopping area?

We shopped.

There's a height chart that children can come and see how high they are.

And I have a complex that my son is small, but I measured him.

He's of normal height, and I felt good.

I felt proud.

What my

bang in the middle.

Couldn't be more in the middle.

But I, oh,

there we go.

I'm sorry, I'm late.

Thank you for having me.

You're totally good man.

We were just

not long.

I don't remember.

15

minutes, if I had to guess.

20.

No, 15.

25.

We're at 25 right now.

20.

So, yeah, you're close when you came in.

23.

Fuck it.

What's up, James?

Just hanging out.

James, we got to make a video for the Crogs.

This has been a devastating couple of weeks for the Crogboys.

Why?

All right.

Not doing well.

We finished top of the ladder.

So you finished the season, home and away season.

We're number one.

It was fantastic.

You might have to bleep a word that I'm about to say.

But our star player, Isaac Rankin, you're not going to bleep it?

That's fine.

I don't mind.

No.

He called someone in the opposition

and he got dropped for four weeks.

What?

Which is the entire final season.

Can we investigate why he did that?

He was upset.

A player on the opposite team had concussed him the year before and been rubbed out for less than four weeks, I think, or exactly that.

And so he was dropping that.

Now, the man he did say that to paints his nails and wears a lot of perfume.

So

that whole Collingwood back line is effected.

But this is, I mean, it's just, if he had punched him in the throat, he would have got less time for dropping that.

But the league is if they've got all the women players now, and they're all Rainbow Coalition.

And it's just.

The women's a different sport, though, right?

Or do they have for real women?

Yeah.

They get pushed together.

It's the same sport played at a less captivating.

I'll get in trouble, but it's not as good to watch.

Watch

the women.

What are you talking about?

You're not going to get in trouble, dude.

You're not going to get canceled.

I can't watch it.

It's also, it's a violent sport.

You don't want to see ladies getting punched in the back of the head.

I don't.

No, me either.

At least it does.

Unless I'm at the thinkery.

Then I start hitting some real thoughts.

Oh, I can't have my coffee in here, huh?

Okay, that's fair.

Yeah, how do you like that?

Straight into the fucking Lazy River, bitch.

It is funny because you're not allowed to have coffee in there, and they'll come up to you and be like, You're not allowed to have that.

And all you have to do is do that.

All you have to do is have coffee?

Dude, all you have to do to do literally is go, okay, and just keep walking.

They go, Yeah,

and they'll come back up 10 minutes later and be like, I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to have that.

You go, oh, I'm sorry about that.

And you just keep walking.

Sorry, I didn't hear you.

It's also so annoying.

It's like, dude, yeah, I can have this.

Relax.

I'm not going to dump it on a kid.

I need this right now.

So you're telling me there's hot moms and nannies there?

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Sounds like a nice time.

Now, is it a what's going on there?

You said people were splashing?

There was a splash pad upstairs.

Yeah.

Oh, I thought it was a water work.

No, it's a museum.

Thinkery is like a kids' museum.

It's a science museum.

Yeah, children's museum.

But all these children's museums are basically the same.

I've been to 20 of them.

They just touch a bunch of shit that a bunch of kids already touched.

Everyone gets sick.

Very sick.

Kid spits right in your fucking mouth.

It's positive in a way that the grown-up museums are not positive.

You go to the grown-up museum, they're like, this land is stolen.

Slavery was terrible.

Look at all these birds that don't exist anymore.

You go to the thinker, you go to the kids' museum.

You want to look at a microscope?

How good is the sun?

It's cool.

You know, I like, I also like each one has a kind of rocket launching room.

Yes.

Where they have like a thing you put on, you can mess with the angles.

You send a handkerchief up into the air.

Yeah.

The handkerchiefs, the scarf thing's different, but do they have that at the Thinkery where you can put a foam rocket and step on a pedal?

No, they didn't.

They only had handkerchiefs.

It must be nice to have kids so you can impress them with.

Oh, dude.

Just everything.

Yeah, they get stoked.

Shit, you launched that fucking rocket.

Dude, me and Maya did

an inflatable pool in our front yard yesterday, and it was like it was leaning on a hill, and I just laid in this thing, just spraying a hose in the pool, just on both of us while it filled up.

Just killed like two hours.

It was awesome.

The lighter in the clouds go out there alone, and you have five or six beers and pass out on the front lawn.

That's the dream.

Dude, the inflatable pool is nice, bro.

Yeah.

My wife was hating on me.

She's like, you look like fucking white trash out here.

And I was like, get it fucking sad.

Yeah.

Definitely look white trash.

Dude, it was a cruise.

I hosing down a fucking inflatable pool.

Yeah.

And I didn't fill it up all the way, so I was just like leaning in it.

The above-ground pool is never a classy.

No.

Above-ground hot tub is acceptable, I think.

Oh, yeah.

You see the famous with the huge above-ground pool?

Oh, yeah.

That's very

good.

It's like, yeah, you get in them.

You're like, man, this fucking rules.

Yeah, they're pretty awesome.

They're like a fraction of the price, and you can build a nice little wood deck around them to really spruce them up.

Well, that's faking getting it into the ground.

Just building the ground up.

You know, you're going to have a good time.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I would love.

Sitting on a deck at an above-ground pool.

You're like, somebody's going to fight.

Oh, yeah.

This is going to be crazy.

You can make a nasty whirlpool in those things, too.

Yeah.

Because everything's standing height, so you and all your cousins just like you.

You're going to run a circle like a Muslim dance.

I used to hate on above-ground pools, and now I'm kind of like, yeah, they're kind of nice.

Especially for the money of an in-ground pool.

You ever see a front pool?

You ever see a front yard?

I think they're like a legal.

I don't think you're allowed to do that.

There's some front yards in mechanics for you.

There were when I was growing up.

I think the people at the end of my block, they had a horse in their front yard and had above ground.

They had a horse in their front.

They had a horse tied to their tree in their front yard.

Just every time you do it, it was a horse.

It was there for fucking 20 years.

Just not dying.

He was amazed.

By the end, it looked like the horse death was on him.

Because usually in the Midwest, you can't even have...

I mean, just every yard is exactly the same.

It's just flat lawn.

In the backyard, you can do something a bit wild.

They had a full horse.

Growing up, there was no HOA.

You could.

Right, that's come in later.

Yeah.

Stop all these horses that people literally.

The horses, I'm surprised, made it as long as it did.

Because every house in my neighborhood growing up was nice.

And then at the end of the block, there was just this.

Looked like it was made out of plywood house with a fucking dying horse tied to its front.

And it wasn't a big yard.

The yard was like the size of my front yard.

It'd be like if I had a horse tied to that tree.

Think about it.

Crazy.

It could be cool.

I once saw a.

My neighborhood has fucking animals.

Yeah, you gotta get away.

I've seen a peacock.

Turkeys.

I've seen turkeys walking around.

Yeah.

Roosters.

I like that.

That's crazy.

The best thing I ever saw in Austin was a black guy on a horse just in a suburb.

It was like in a neighborhood on a main road, no helmet.

He was texting.

He was texting and plopping, just like it was the most normal thing in the world.

He was wearing a, we called them wife beaters.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was wearing like one of those and he was just chilling out, texting on his horse, going down the street.

Stop driving.

Well, they never got rid of horses, right?

Like legally, you can still take a horse.

Oh, dude, Philly.

Philly has their own horse philly has horse yeah oh yeah well people yeah around the cobblestones of the cows no yeah it's in west philly and it's in also uh north philly there's a tradition of black guys with horses yes dude the first

time i saw one was

uh year like 20 it must have been like 2014 or you know whatever sometime around then And I was like very, very high at nighttime walking up to my house in West Philly and a black dude on a horse came by me and I was like,

fuck,

I thought I was hallucinating.

I swear to God, I was like, what is going on?

And then, like, I looked into it, and there is like a, there's stables.

Where the fuck are those stables?

Yeah, there's like a

it was in Rocky, it was in a creed too.

They, like, a huge plot is the horse guys.

That movie, too, Concrete Cowboys.

Concrete Cowboys.

Yeah.

It's a way of life.

I felt so free looking at this man.

No equipment.

I think he had a saddle.

That was it.

He wasn't Rocky Bears.

He had no helmets to ride horses anyway.

Only like fox fox catchers or something.

What are you talking about?

We're from a very helmeted country.

My kids are learning to ride bikes now with no helmets, and I'm so happy.

My mom will be upset if she ever finds out.

There's such a freedom to know when you're talking about those kids.

They're learning fast.

Yeah, they better.

Yeah, it's a good move.

The way I was taught to ride a bike is my dad took me to the top of a hill by my elementary school the first time without training wheels and just launched me.

And I couldn't, I didn't know how to ride.

I just went straight into, I was flying just straight into these bushes.

Yeah, I hit bushes as well.

Yeah.

Thorns.

Right in there.

Yeah.

Tough there.

Dude, my kid champed riding a bike.

They don't do training wheels anymore.

You do a thing where you have no training wheels, but your feet touch the ground.

You have no pedals.

And you just like push yourself along and you learn how to balance.

And one day we just threw on pedals and she just took off.

No problem.

It's actually, it's pretty insane.

So training wheels are like the worst ever.

I was happy with you.

I was pretty happy, honestly.

That'd be nice.

I was pretty pumped.

I just ran it.

Actually, I think I just skateboarded after, and it was kind of nice.

It's kind of scary, though, because they don't know how to turn at all.

So they're like, nah.

It's pretty.

And then the street,

they will just ride right through the street.

You got to be like, stop.

I do that a lot.

Yeah.

This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks.

Matt Chain, what was your favorite part of last football season?

The Super Bowl.

What was your favorite part of the football season?

Was it watching Saquon Barkley?

Yeah.

It was honestly watching

Against the Chiefs.

Yeah.

I saw that, and I had a Chiefs fan in the house, so that was...

That was nice.

Yeah, it almost felt bad because they were winning so badly.

Yeah, he just went outside the whole time.

What are you most excited about in this upcoming season, Matt?

This upcoming season, is there any young teams?

I'd like to see a young team really kind of snap together.

I'm trying to think of a cool young team.

Unfortunately, it's the Washington Commanders are kind of the cool

younger team.

Nah, I've been beefing up Washington.

They've got a good outside.

Yeah, I don't want to.

Also, I'm kind of pissed they changed.

I don't, you know, I don't.

Prospects.

They should have picked something else.

Matt, talk about your thoughts on the upcoming football season.

This is going to be a big year, man.

They got

a lot of new things coming in.

I know they got Friday Night Football is big.

They got a lot more.

Are they adding the 15th game?

Because that is kind of 16th.

They've already done it.

Maybe more.

Okay, that's what I want to see.

I want to see football get more commercialized.

Yeah.

In a way, you know, I want to see them grind some more money out of these players.

Yes.

Extra weeks on a grueling sport

that has constant injuries.

If they blow up,

yeah, if they get hurt, they get fucking hurt, man.

I don't care.

Yeah, that's good.

I just want to see more merch.

I want to see more.

We do need more merch.

All this football talk is getting me pumped.

It's getting me plumped, dude.

Thankfully, the football season is already underway on Prize Picks.

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PrizePicks, run your game.

I'll do it.

Yeah, go ahead.

Black Israelite, my new comedy special, September 1, it's coming out on Monday.

It's

huge.

I've seen you run a lot of that material.

You've seen it all, yeah.

Yeah, and every time you've done a show with me, every single DM I get after was like, who the fuck was that Australian man?

Well, it's only 23 minutes.

I've panicked to pull it out again.

That's all, man.

It's going to be awesome.

And I tour dates.

I'm going to Houston, St.

Louis, Omaha, Springfield, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, Irvine, Los Angeles, Baltimore, and more.

Where can they get tickets?

JDFMcCann.com.

I've got to work on a better website.

JDFM.com.

JFM.com.

Yeah.

Disquieting Levels of Egg, new book of poems.

Number one.

They won't give me a book deal.

No, I'm not going to give you a book.

I'm going to do my best.

I just put out a couple of tour dates.

ShaneMgillis.com.

Go to my YouTubes, please.

Yeah, Masky That cartoon.

It's crazy.

I have a whole new song, too, man.

It's really good.

Thank you.

Did you hear my song?

Or did you even listen?

I haven't heard the song.

Yeah, it's half credit segments.

It's one shit.

It's a shoe cartoon with the middle half of a song.

We got more plugs?

Yeah, get in there.

And

please, if you're in Gas Atlanta, please come see me October 23rd at Atlanta Helium.

That'd be huge for me.

Thank you so much.

Was I not on screen?

God damn it.

God damn it.

Oh, and

I couldn't act this September 2nd.

September 2nd, next week.

Please, thank you.

And well done on the Madison Square.

You've got the third is on sale?

Third's on sale now.

You're going to break a record.

No.

The record is five.

Sebastian Manascalco on five.

I looked it up.

You can get it.

Five.

You sold the first two ad in like a day.

Yeah.

It's not until next year.

It's not until January.

My stock could go down by then.

No.

It could be an empty garden.

No.

And if it is an empty garden, I'm still performing.

For sure.

It's going to be the funniest way to end a best thing ever.

Literally the best way to end a career.

If my career falls off between now and January, I'm doing three empty gardens.

That'd be so funny.

I'm just going home.

That That would be awesome.

That'd be a nice special too.

Triple Crown.

Just got the triple crown.

Three

silent bombs.

Scalpers just get fucked.

Scalpers get absolutely fucked.

Yeah, that's kind of a dream.

It'd be a nice way to go home.

It'd be awesome.

I could put all my effort in a medieval dynasty.

Focus heavily on building the ultimate city in town for my beautiful wife.

I'm looking after the kids every day.

At the moment, my wife is unwell, and she was in bed, and I've just got the kids every day.

And I just try and tie them out.

They're just going around the night.

Other children on the street, they want my weird children to go away from them because they suckle up to them and ask to play with their basketball.

I taught him how to swim.

That was a big, that was a big breakthrough,

bro.

Going to the pool.

And I just try and exhaust my ADHD daughter by forcing her to swim.

She's, I'm tired, dad.

I go swim through it.

Yeah.

Push on.

Go.

She's her shoulders are getting.

It's only been like two weeks, but she's like,

you're going to be watching Lady AFL.

you're gonna be watching the lady crum

i hope i just have a trans son who can dominate the league no

not even for that that'd be nice the crumb is this is heartbreaking this week it's ruined my

the fact that they can be fair though i i all he did was call a man of wow wow and they're gonna take his career away from him

is he bought is he benched for a little bit for the finals is that first time playing finals in eight years is he on record saying or can he be like i didn't say he copped to it immediately he said they must have had footage and

i wanted him to come out as gay i thought that would have been that would have been the move, but he loves the ladies.

Sweet Isaac.

And then he went to Italy to cool down.

Oh, that's not good.

I know.

He'll still be training.

If you guys lose the first,

still make it to the granny.

I don't think he was doing well.

We've all got a round behind.

He's not getting banned from the league.

He's just getting suspended, right?

But it's four games.

So if you lose the first game, he can still.

He's really picked it up.

I'm trying to get to the granny.

You grind the tape.

I've been grinding the tape.

A lot of people are afraid to grind the tape.

The dream is that we lose the first game of the finals, and then he would get to play in the grand final.

But what is nice about the AFL is you can't be taken off for a foul.

You can be suspended afterwards, but they can't take you off at any point in the game.

So when you announce your retirement before the grand final, the violence is astronomical.

You get a blank check.

They can't do anything to you.

Do you think Texas is going to hit the...

If Tex retires.

You think he's going to go wild?

Yeah.

I reckon.

Yeah.

I think so.

Yeah.

I reckon.

Nice.

I reckon the arms might come out on big Tex.

We need a granny for Adelaide.

Up the chrome up the chrome up the fucking i i would i would like to see my trans daughter dominate in sports if i'm being honest if it's like you know because it's it's a lot to process imagine having a trans daughter losing all those sports go we're putting we're putting back on there was an indian trans at the olympics or intersex who could still couldn't keep up with the ladies yeah well that's damn and the people although that's kind of hardening it's like damn you really are a fucking girl yeah

thought you were a fucking

you earned it bud yeah i thought you were fibbing i thought you you were fibbing for attention in elementary school.

You were fucking dead on in the car, you fucking unathletic bitch.

I'd have to stop, though, and be like, be honest with me.

You weren't losing out of kink.

You were doing that.

Was that kink?

Yeah, that was a little kink.

Yeah.

That would be cool, though, just watching like pure domination and being like, fuck, that's my girl.

It's got to be, everyone's like crying about it, but what about the pencil?

Also, that would fire me the fuck up, dude.

If I was like the penn swimmers' fucking parents, people were like, get him out of the pool.

That's a goddamn.

Yo, shut the fuck up.

Science is real, bitch.

I'd be the biggest lib on earth.

If that was my kid, I'd be in there.

I'd be.

You'd have no choice.

I'd hold a Ukraine flag every fucking match.

Yeah, you'd have to.

I'd be going crazy.

Yeah, unless somehow you can do a Jenner.

Be Republican trans?

Yeah.

Republican trans is the most powerful, dangerous force on the bottom.

We got to get up in the log cabin.

True.

You know what the log cabin is?

I'll tell you what.

What's the log cabin?

The log cabin is where all the gay Republicans.

It's like the gay Republican gathering place.

They call it a log cabin.

I don't know why.

The log cabin is where gay Republicans can join.

Finally.

Yeah,

you get to the log cabin.

Out of the toilets and into the beautiful.

It's the poor guys who have to go to a public toilet.

The rich Republican guys.

Log cabin.

Go to a fancy log cabin.

I might go there and shake something.

Shake something for the boys.

I might shake something.

Shake something for shake some crime statistics for them.

Oh, they probably jizz everywhere.

Yo, my dick's only 13% of what it should be, but it's about to commit 50% of your fucking ass.

Who's that fucker from South Carolina?

Who's that gay fuck?

I don't know if I should say it like that, but you know who I'm talking about.

Lindsey Graham.

No, you cannot say that.

Lindsey Graham's in there working for the boys, dude.

Honey, I got to go to the log cabin again.

Yo, I was

doing

pubs.

I'm all about it.

it i was looking at audible last night i was down i was trying to get a book going what you got uh and then it was like the books under like history i just looked at the top one of them's

what's that fucking uh who's the fbi uh cash patel cash patel's book it's like american gangsters or like uh political gangsters and it's like how we're gonna expose the deep state that's his book

it's called political

and he went then he got in there

he said Epstein fucking did it.

He killed himself.

Yeah, he goes, you know what?

Turns out the gangsters have done their political gangsters.

Yeah, it turns out there actually are political gangsters.

Cut my head off.

There's a hubbaloo about Melania being on the cover of Vanity Fair, one of those magazines.

I don't know which one.

And there's people saying like the staff, either it's Vanity Fair or people, I don't know.

But

they're saying like the staff is threatening to leave.

And for the first time, I've never seen this, but I saw one of the, and it could have just been a bot on Twitter, but someone was like how do you like it there's 100 million of us trumpers and we'll get and we will support this magazine stand against the fascists and i was like whoa the libs are fascist now the libs i didn't know the libs are fascist i gotta give me some of that vanity fair magazine dude they're like we are 100 million strong we will support you bulania on your cover of vanity fair they're both fascist that's the both sides of conversation i think now it's just if someone who disagrees with you is a fascist did you see marin this week no no he's coming for chappelle he's saying that netflix standing with chappelle showed that they were a fascist organization and he did not work with them.

He's right.

They are.

I'm feeling the wind.

Stop kidding.

I'm feeling the wind shift.

I'm going full work, dude.

I'm going full fucking work.

I am too.

Fucking fascist, dude.

What did that guy say in the soccer game?

Piece of shit.

Yeah.

Piece of shit.

Dude, Cracker Barrel, I was furious.

I was fucking livid, dude.

They reversed it today.

They took it back.

They pussies.

What happened to Cracker Barrett?

Here it gets a bit of a damn thing.

Cracker Barrel is a bunch of pussies.

Yeah, you can't fold, dude.

Two judged minimalist Scandinavian design.

Cracker Barrel took the old white guy off the cover.

What?

And

everyone was like, you fucking pussies.

Woke fuzzies.

That's fascism.

Also, what is even woke about taking an old white guy off a thing?

A cracker barrel.

Why did they take the cracker off there?

They took the cracker and the barrel off.

What?

Oh, the barrel too?

The barrel.

Yeah, it just said Cracker barrel in like shitty.

It was a terrible redesign.

But nobody was mad about it.

I mean, I guess people were upset.

They were like, this is a bad redesign.

That would have been a fair critique.

But instead, people are like, fucking woke bullshit.

It was an extra.

I want my cracker barrel.

I want that old guy.

So wait, they put him on.

I don't understand.

What was the redesign of?

It just said cracker barrel.

It's just a yellow bowl of the girl.

There's a guy sitting there next to the word cracker barrel.

They got rid of the guy.

Was he a Jew?

He was a son of Jesus.

I mean, if you really want to look into the history, yeah, probably.

Purveyor of fine cheeses.

I thought there was going to be a logo spaz on the Notre Dame guy.

What did they do with that?

They changed it to a guy running the football.

And

when we were filming that commercial, they showed me the Under Armor.

People were like, here's the new logo.

Here's the new leprechaun.

And I was like, yo, you guys, you don't know what you're doing.

Why did they know?

To change this guy.

You guys are fucked.

Wait, is it the same guy?

This guy was still around.

He's still around something.

That's how the Reddit board managed to defend it.

It's like, no, every team has

an alternate logo.

Yeah.

You can't get rid of this.

But everybody loves the Lebrecon.

That's next week.

Yeah.

It's on Sunday.

This Sunday?

Yes.

Week Zero has been good, though.

I'm not going to go.

I've got to go.

I'm going to be in Chicago till Sunday.

I'm going to fly to PA.

I'm going to watch it.

You're going to be so close to it.

I'm going to watch Notre Dame, Miami, and Pennsylvania.

Where?

Chicago?

Chicago is a bigger.

No, it's at Miami.

It's at Miami, bro.

And honestly, they don't have a good track record down in Miami.

Matt, you're exactly right.

I've been watching a lot of people.

They've had a tough time.

You've been grinding the tape.

They don't do well at Miami because it's fucking Miami Super Bowl.

Is your quarterback a true freshman?

Red shirt, Matt.

He's a red shirt.

He's a red shirt.

He's going up against Carson Beck, who's a transfer from Georgia, who had a hell of a career.

Oh, no.

And he's at Miami now.

So the quarterback, we'll see.

We're going to have to protect him.

We're going to have to protect young CJ.

Yeah, true.

Yeah.

It's going to come down to the nose tackle from what I gather from Miami's nose tackle.

You've been grinding the fucking tackle.

You've been grinding the tape, dude it's crazy that's my take personally that's my take that's going to come down to that nose tackle because we all know who they got that that defense event exactly we know about that defense event that d tackle can eat up two blockers and now you're leaving one-on-one a tackle at that d end or i mean god forbid a fucking running back picking up the pass block yeah how long so when they when they played ohio that that one drive was what about 18 minute drive because i want to see him do some first drive it was 18 plays 18 plays that's what he was it was the whole first quarter it was yeah i want to see i want to see a couple more a little something a little more explosive a little more dynamic in terms of going down the field taking place.

Well, that's what we're hoping with this quarterback.

He's got more of an arm.

Does he?

Yeah.

There we go.

Last guy was a runner.

Yeah.

But I'll tell you what, third and one, you're getting that first down with that quarterback.

Yeah, his short area acceleration.

Bro, he's willing to die for that yard.

When you see your quarterback,

let's say you're a left tackle.

You got a bum ankle.

All right.

You see your quarterback dive across that fucking first down marker.

Suddenly that ankle doesn't hurt that bad anymore.

You go, this whole team's ready to die right now.

When it has Jeremiah Love's buddies holding up, is he coming back?

Jeremiah Love's body is looking nice.

All right, good.

His body is looking good.

We're going to have to keep him healthy.

You're exactly right, James.

But we got good Jadarian Prices back there.

Dennis Williams, we got some good running backs.

I'm not worried about that.

I followed on the offseason as

Svelte boys would walk around the Notre Dame campus, and the press coverage from this is incredible.

Take a picture of the boys.

You go, this kid's looking strong.

It's one way to do it.

A 17-year-old with beautiful shoulders.

That's a news story for Notre Dame.

There's a 17-year-old with big shoulders just walking around the campus.

We saw him smiling with Coach Freeman.

That's good.

That's good stuff.

You know who else is watching?

Me.

I'm the one who's reading that.

Get him.

Get him.

Do you make a Reddit exception for reading about Noted Dan?

No, I stay off Reddit.

You get to miss out on all of the real Noted Dan.

If I open Reddit, the first thing I see is Shangilla is fucking blows.

I can't get off.

He's very positive.

It's not.

Do you think the coach ever, like, during locker time, just looks at the muscles of all of his team?

In, like, a good way.

Like, damn, these guys have so many fucking muscles.

This is like the, this is the physical machinery.

I would.

No, like, that's a guy's job.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

It's funny.

That's why strength and conditioning systems are like out of their mind.

True.

They're like serious about that.

Yeah.

It's fucking awesome.

Just getting that extra.

You want your team to pass the eye test.

Yes.

You want to win the game getting off the bus.

You see those boys get off the bus, you go, ooh, it's going to be a long day.

I liked it when we played Georgia and many of them were fat.

Yeah.

The commentary gets stuck in on fat teenagers.

Playing before they're going to be like, hmm, strengthen your vision program.

Might have a couple of questions to myself.

I've exhausted all my grind the tape stuff I memorized, dude.

I'm out.

You got to get more.

You got to get more.

Well, we were watching nasty YouTube videos about the Comedy Wars.

And I was like, what are we doing?

Let's get something popular.

Grind the tape.

I had to stop.

Put on fucking grind the tape.

So much, dude.

The fate of the universe hangs in the balance, bro.

Well, the Comedy Wars?

Yes.

Dude.

The Austin comedy scene is too powerful.

LA and New York need to unite to destroy the Austin comedy scene.

How are they going to stop it?

So, we have all the butt wipes.

We have all the butt wipes.

They're doing a nice, successful blockade on the butt wipes.

They're going into like deep political theory and be like, it's actually fascist.

Fuck, I didn't think about that.

It's going to backfire.

You can't do that.

Blue Chew, and you can't do it basically.

You can't call a group fascist.

But then you can't say you're not fascist.

It's going to be like Cracker Barrel.

It's going to be like Vanity Fair.

True.

You can't do that.

True.

They're going to go, well,

there's a thousand disabled guys going, we will shoot with you.

We're going to get that in.

The disabled guys are a little nasty fucks.

They're the ones that are not climber fuckers.

Dude, yeah.

Think about it.

You think because of the disability, you're like, this guy must be a sweetheart.

Then you talk to him and you go,

this guy's a little climber.

This guy's a little nasty fuck.

Think about the drugs.

That could be any of them.

I'm not.

Some of them don't have a lot of time.

They've got to establish the career very quickly.

I think those guys, they seem good.

Which specific disables?

They're all fake.

Dude,

think about the fucking dread and like drudgery of just being like a healthy young man in an office.

You're like, I got to escape this form that is my life.

If you fucking strap me down and like scramble my fucking wires, I'd be like,

I got to fucking do something about this.

Yeah, you got to have nothing but respect for the disabled bros.

For sure.

Killing it.

They get me every time.

Does New York have any disabled men?

A lot of stairs in that.

There's a couple disabled men?

A lot of fake-ass motherfuckers.

Yeah, the cells.

True.

Yeah, is that place even fucking?

Is that place ADA compliant, by the way?

The stands?

Let me find out what the cell is on ADA compliant.

If you go in the front, yeah, they'll get some of those guys.

I was about to make a YouTube video, thank God.

I was about to fucking trash the dude.

The New York comedy scene, we're coming for you.

We need ramps.

We need ramps, dude.

That's one thing Austin's got a fuck ton of.

Every comedian takes 30 minutes to get to the stage they got to sit on one of those fucking

stars everyone's just getting dipped in by those

we should get a zip line from the balcony

i still get moved every time and i see a dude with like genuine disabilities doing his thing on stage because it to me it's like I don't know, I would give in.

It would just be too much for me.

I don't know that my spirit would be resilient enough to fucking practice the sacred art form that I stand up comedy.

Dude, it's such a sacred art.

And

that's what the thing that's driving me during the Comedy Wars is how sacred the art is.

That's all.

Yeah, dude.

The Comedy Wars will pass.

Yeah, he will.

They'll pass.

I got to go to New York last night.

I'm going back to Philly for about six months.

So

I'm out.

Fuck the Austin scene, dude.

No.

I'm back East Coast still talking about the day.

I talk to the people in the New York Times.

I talk to the people in the New York, and everyone talks a big game.

And then when they see you, they're very interested in knowing how that's working.

And

can they get a little piece of that?

There's a hopelessness out there.

You got LA.

You say, What are the podcasts that you can go on here?

They got nothing.

They got the Bad Friends universe.

No, there's a lot.

There's a fucking

LA and New York are doing great.

No, New York's doing great on the podcast.

LA, LA's got a job.

If you're built by this friend, classmen's out there.

Yes, that's number three.

There's a lot.

And name a fourth.

Name a fourth.

How many are fucking here?

We've got the Matt and Shane Secret podcast.

We've got the John Rosses.

coast all day.

No,

you got to take the stuff island being here.

Philly all day.

That's Philly podcast.

What am I Australian podcast?

Philly.

It depends on you.

You've got that lovely woman with the title.

Philly comes in.

I managed to almost not look at her boobs the whole time.

We're like the Jews of the copies.

We got kicked out of New York.

We are

every four years.

We come in, we take all the butt wipes.

We go, yeah, we're going back to Philly.

Yeah, true.

Damn, you need Congress to send like 9 million butt wipes to Philadelphia.

We're going to get everything.

Yeah.

Damn, I never thought of us as the

whole.

Tried to go to New York.

Most of us got spewed out.

So telling people I can't perform on Saturdays.

Sorry, you guys are.

Are you Jewish?

No, I'm from the Philadelphia comedy scene.

I'm Orthodox.

You might have heard of us.

I'm Orthodox.

We have to wear gym shorts at all times.

We have to return, dude.

We have to return to our homeland.

Beezer's the only one holding it down.

He's in a tunnel.

Beezer's definitely a cynic, dude.

He's ultra fucking Philly comedy scene.

Yeah.

That's what he's doing right now, for real.

I can't wait to take my birthright back to Philly.

I'm so excited.

I also like L.A.

I was just out there

special.

It's really nice.

I like it.

LA is great.

Comedy stores are fucking great.

I know.

I like everywhere.

Everything's yeah.

I hope it doesn't devolve into a biggie Tupac situation.

I don't want to see, I don't see Joe DeRosa get shot in a 92.

He's also Philly.

He's one of us.

He migrates anyway.

You see him in

fucking pictures with Tony.

He has a fucking deli, dude.

He has got a

fucking Jewish deli.

Fuck.

Kurt Metzger.

Mascara Masker Philly.

He's also, yeah.

He's an extreme scientist, though.

He's extreme.

Ultra extreme.

What a good time.

Everyone will relax and have a good time.

I really don't.

I'm telling you, the butt white money is driving everyone crazy.

How much are these butt people paying the podcast?

My booty too clean for them to have been in touch with me, but I...

You wouldn't believe it.

I would love to.

No offense, dude.

Your booty must be a fucking

day.

I got a fly.

Your booty must be a goddamn thing.

clean boot.

What is the ass like, for real?

Well, the ass doesn't exist, so it's straight butthole to a ceiling.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, it's easy to get in, for sure.

Absolutely no way.

What if you don't shower for like three days?

I've become a daily, habitual shower.

That's what I, you're gonna have to not today, obviously, but most

before bedtime.

That's what I do.

I do before bedtime.

You gotta shower before bed.

Before bedtime.

Like, if I feel, if my legs feel even like a dry sweat on them at all, I gotta get out of bed.

Shower up.

Seriously, how much is the bum money?

I don't know.

James, it's literally starting.

It's like oil money.

Just look up how much a barrel of oil is.

Same fucking price.

Same thing.

None of them will.

That's one I could actually.

They try and get me for the.

I couldn't do condoms, and I don't think I could do sports bed gambling.

Butt wipes.

Butt wipes have never been in touch.

I would love to.

I could do erection ones.

Boner pills.

I'd say I'd do like the Pele ones.

I've never had a problem with getting an erection, but if I did.

There's butt wipes.

Yeah.

Butt wipes is obviously the biggest.

I'm hearing the butt wipes everywhere.

Sometimes a video game.

That seems like a good.

You can get a video game.

Careful.

That's like putting it on the ring.

Once you read one Butt Wipes app.

One bad dude.

Why is Coca-Cola not getting involved or something?

Where's Cracker Barrel?

Cracker Barrel is a double pivot bag.

I was hoping they didn't pivot so I could get another commercial.

True.

You wanted to be the face of.

I would easily do that.

I love Cracker Barrel.

I would support Cracker Barrel.

They have like a good.

I knew people who loved Cracker Barrel, and I think think it was like the cheddar.

They got some good cheddar going on there, I believe.

There was a Cracker Barrel right next to my house growing up.

You used to hit it?

Didn't hit it as much as I should have.

They got biscuits, though, don't they?

I probably went like once, and it was like a 10-minute drive.

There's nothing.

I think I went to Cracker Barrel once as well.

It's right next to a best Western in a pitching putt.

Did you know anyone who's like, who like loves Cracker Barrel?

I knew one person in my life who loved Cracker Barrel.

I've hit a Cracker Barrel on the road and been genuinely pumped.

This place is decent.

Yeah.

Wasn't Cracker Barrel like a big candy?

Like, isn't that their their front?

You go to the city.

That's all I remember.

I went there,

the gift shop.

Gift shops popping.

What did they sell?

Fucking rocking chairs.

What?

Old toys.

Beautiful dresses for chaste rock candy.

That's all I remember is that rock candy on the side.

People like to put racism on Cracker Barrel, and I don't like it.

What were they racist about?

I think

when I used to go as a race.

Not as racist as Chick-fil-A.

I have seen many black people waiting tables at the Cracker Barrel.

That is not a racist establishment at all.

Well, that's not how you say it.

Yeah, that's.

Is that not it?

Is that not cool?

That would be the most.

They're serving black people.

And waiters.

They're giving jobs.

And waiters kind of star the show, to be honest.

Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to say something.

Well, it's okay.

It's not that serious.

Don't worry, dude.

We're under the spotlight, though.

The podcast wars.

But they always.

I've seen some of these videos.

They always give him a lot of people.

They go in the Austin comedy sing, except Shane Gillis, and then they move on.

They can't leave away the fucking.

I don't want to give you a Philly till I die, dude.

They don't want the fucking ADL coming after them, dude.

They know I'm Harris.

Yeah, true.

I'm exactly.

I might be Netanyahu from Philly.

Yeah.

God damn.

I was in Ardmore.

That was my last job.

Fuck, I'm Netanyahu.

Do yourancestry.com.

Connect you right to David.

I did.

Went straight to David.

I did my medieval dynasty.

The first player was David.

It'll blow over.

It's much bullshit, man.

Watch that Motherfucking bullshit.

Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing.

It is.

It's deeply.

Deeply.

A bunch of bickering.

I don't like it.

We're better together.

That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying.

Stop Austin hate.

That's what I'm saying.

Stop Austin Hate.

Don't make a bunch of Austin cheap.

Throwing us up in the street.

Throwing us in front of fucking trains and shit.

Stop Austin hate.

Yeah, true.

Who do you think is fucking

New York comic who's been murdering everyone by Lady Bird Lake?

Certainly.

without a doubt.

She's fucking immature.

Mark Maron is stalking the streets tonight.

Killing hacks.

Slaying all the hacks.

You might be on Assassin's Creed.

Just sits in the back of an open mic and goes.

I do respect being.

I want to inspire.

Yeah, yeah.

I do respect being old and just being like, fucking hacks.

Everyone sucks.

They're all fucking hacks.

That could be the life cycle I'm in.

Open micro.

I was sitting around going,

everyone's a fucking hack piece of shit.

They suck.

Yeah, this is what you've done since day one.

Who have I called a hack?

I've seen you up the back of comedy rooms.

Okay, in private.

Yeah, no, in private.

I don't in private.

You're very good in public, but.

No.

Yeah.

I remember one of the first times we hung out.

We were at the cellar and I was watching me.

I said, this guy's good.

You're like, it's cheap.

Everything he does is cheap.

No, I wouldn't say it like that.

I remember being like, ah, he's going to watch me at some point.

I'm going to get back.

Who was it?

Blank this up.

I don't actually.

I couldn't tell you.

I couldn't tell you.

I would never throw someone under the bus like that.

True, not a a brotherhood.

No, we're going to figure the name out.

Just wanted to talk about it.

The brotherhood will be back.

The brotherhood will be back.

Trust me, bro.

But you'll also call it.

When a person is good and people dislike them in the scene, you will champion them in the reverse.

You'll go, that guy's actually great, and you don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, look at you.

I walked into that.

I walked right into that, and I understand.

You set a trap and fell right into it.

Yeah.

No, if I'm sitting there saying somebody sucks on stage, it's usually because I'm about to go next

and I'm nervous.

That's a hype up for sure.

Let me sit there going, This guy fucking sucks, dude.

That's a bullshit hack.

Fucking trash.

Fuck that.

And then I get done with my side.

I'm like, you did great, man.

That was fucking really good.

I'm really relieved right now.

I'm not ready to socialize.

I actually,

I want to bounce that out with a positive anecdote because it was the same night that that happened.

There was a comedian that you really liked that other people were shitting on.

And I won't say it.

You got into it.

And I actually wanted to go home.

I wanted to order the Uber and take us back, but you stood arguing for 90 minutes

defending someone's comedic chops.

Nice.

Yes.

Do you not remember that?

I mean, you had had a few.

Awesome.

Thank you for that, by the way.

No, hold on.

Now we'll blank it out.

Who was it?

Okay.

Wow, wow.

Yeah.

Well, that's what you, yeah.

If you come on, man, that's just hanging around the cellar.

That's just table stuff, you know.

True.

That's just being at the table.

That's nice.

That's a nice Templar.

That's where that kind of talk belongs, dude.

You can't, you can't.

You can't give it out to the civilians for free, dude.

No, bro.

You can't defuse the legendary hang.

There's so many fucking assassins down here.

No, it'll cool down.

Yeah, let's talk about it.

Once they replace all of our jobs with AI, we'll chill out.

Hey, man, I'm sorry about that what I said back in 2025.

Yeah.

I've been getting the Waymos.

They've been giving me the Waymos for the first time.

I still haven't been to Waymo.

I won't.

I'm winning now.

Once they crack, I think they eventually go, Do you want one Waymo?

And if you like it, then they just nothing but Waymos.

They're the new.

They suck.

What's good with them?

I hate the Waymos.

Maybe because I saw it.

Oh, you live far from the city.

No, I didn't get in the camera.

What were you doing?

Smoking cigs in a Waymo.

I got away with that scot-free.

You're on cam, are you?

That's off-record.

But what were you doing in the Waymo?

I was smoking a cigarette in the Waymo, but I didn't get in trouble.

But it takes too long.

Maybe I live too far away from the city.

They don't want to go on the freeway.

They can't go on the highway, so it'll take you like 30 minutes to do like a 10-minute drive.

How'd you smoke the cig?

Opened up the window, lit it up with the mouth.

Yeah, with my butt.

So you can't.

You're on cam, so they couldn't see.

I'd imagine they saw me, but you got to be on camera, right?

They tell you you're on camera.

We're watching you.

Yeah.

And if you sat, I'd imagine if you sat right behind the seat up against it, you could, in theory, beat off in the Waymo.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guarantee a lot of people have jacked off.

Yeah, I was thinking it might be just like Jack Shacks.

Yeah.

People drink beers in there.

There'll be beers left in there.

It seems like it's kind of just open season on there.

It sounds awesome from what you're describing.

It's awesome.

It just takes way too long and it drives me nuts when I'm these are so weird to thank I go every time I go to get I go thank you and I go

on Yeah

I Mike they're like the new punch buggies for my kids.

My kids see those and they're like robot car.

So I'm not gonna be I'm gonna be honest.

I'm with your kids on that.

It's yeah, dude first couple times I saw the robot cars.

I was like oh

I'm just driving by myself.

Oh, oh oh shit.

Fucking robot.

Luke looking to verify nobody's driving that.

No one's driving that.

That's crazy.

I'm going to fucking flick it.

I'm going to swerve at it.

I do that all the time.

I try and threaten the Waymos.

I threaten those fucking Waymos.

Sometimes they threaten you.

They're not very good at driving still.

Yeah.

I've been cut off by a lot of...

Flying back to Australia, though.

What?

Waymo sounds like a nice fucking derogatory Australian term.

Fucking Waymark.

Wayma, you fucking Wimog.

You fucking cunt Waymog.

Look at you.

You fucking Waymog.

It'd be nice to take some new slurs back.

Sadly, we.

You guys have good slurs.

When I go back to, you know, whenever I go back, I'm going to lose all my Australian things that I can say over here that no one understands.

But you can do American slurs.

I don't say, actually, forget that I.

We know all the American ones, sadly.

Ah, yeah, you do.

Except Waymo.

Waymo is nice.

Goo back.

Not that I like saying that.

Is that a wet back?

Yeah.

We don't call anybody that.

We don't have...

What did you think of it?

Who the fuck did you go?

Goo back.

This is the South Pike episode where they have goo over there.

What was the other one?

A wet back?

Yes.

Terrible thing, I'm told, to call somebody.

Yeah, you shouldn't say that.

But our Latin Americans are all rich people.

They flew over.

We don't have any walk-in Latin Americans.

We only have the Venezuelans who.

We've got no walk-ins.

We've got Brown and Black.

Do you have an appointment, sir?

Every Latin American person is an aristocrat in my country.

People who fled Venezuela because they were being cruel to the middle classes.

They come out.

Really?

Yeah.

Huh.

It's a very fancy vision.

Yeah, Venezuela is an interest.

What's the other one?

There's Venezuela and I'm fucking blanking on the name of the South American country where all the Nazis went.

Argentina.

Yeah, Argentina.

Buenos Aires.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's my way, Mo.

Whenever I meet someone who's like, oh, they're Argentinian and they're like white, I go,

he's like, tap my wife.

I'm like, this grandfather might have been a Nazi.

Don't freak out.

Yeah.

I learned about that on a YouTube video.

Shh, cool.

What did your grandparents do?

Oh, fuck.

They might have.

I wonder if Argentina had natural honks because it's so far from the equator.

But I don't know who walked there or how the civilization started down there.

Hmm.

I never thought about their naturalized honor.

They might have naturalized honks just because it's so far from the equator.

It's like being from North America.

Interesting.

We didn't have any natural honks.

Yeah.

Full honk.

There were no natural honks on this hemisphere.

Yeah, maybe Aryan wanderers from way back when.

True.

Stuff of Nazi people.

From the 1940s.

Just some Aryan wanderers.

It was superior.

Yeah, it was their technology.

Yeah.

Leonel Messi's awfully white.

Yeah, true.

Yeah, they, dude, I didn't read the book, but I got it on my, whatchamacallit, on my Audible, and it's all about the Indo-European language and how it's like, it is kind of weird that English is kind of close in a way to Sanskrit.

And all those like Middle Eastern languages bear a resemblance to English.

Which kind of...

Well, then there's the weird.

There's the Finns who seem to come from nowhere.

And the Hungarians, they have their weird thing.

My favorite is the Pacific Islander people, which I...

What about them?

No one knows where they come from.

I know.

They just

keep getting on other islands, dude.

They're just fucking wayfinders, bro.

The rafts.

Put your hand in the water.

No, I know, but bro,

I met you, but I mean, they were just getting on fucking tree-made fucking canoes and going.

They made it to Madagascar.

They made it so far.

It's fucking crazy, man.

Impossibly far.

It's fucked up.

When you see the raft technology, it's pretty insane.

And then to just get there and go, all right.

Yeah, fired up.

Let's get some.

Hopefully, they brought a woman.

Yeah, they probably had a couple.

A couple babes.

That's crazy.

Waying down the butt.

All right, let's switch over to the Patreon.

That's a disgusting way to end it.

I love Pacific Island people.

Goodbye.

My wife is Simoan.