Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)

Wow, wow, Wes.

I should invest in the Spider League and bring it.

You guys saw a mite on your lip.

I just wanted you to start the.

Appreciate that.

Yeah, true.

I didn't see it, or else I would have.

I don't want to be.

I think I saw it in the bathroom and I just ignored it.

That's a good part in your life when you're like, ah, fuck.

I'm going to come on my lip.

I'm going to let it go.

I think I literally tried once.

It didn't come off.

And I was like, whatever.

I got to do stuff.

Don't worry about my lip corners.

Are we fired up?

Nice.

You got to take the lip stuff in.

That's good.

True, yeah.

That's a good, that's a good cold open.

Nate noticed I had his cum on my lip.

Joe, listen,

thanks for having me.

I appreciate it.

This is

I'm now here an extra day just for this.

I got bumped from a big podcast

that also records on Monday nights in Austin.

I'm glad you can come on, man.

Yeah, me too.

I'm thrilled.

And you're you're traveling with family.

That's an area of interest of mine because I do it all the time.

I know.

We talked about it a while ago.

I quote you all the time.

And yeah, it's fun.

I don't mind the actual traveling.

On the plane is fun to meet.

It's not that hard.

No.

And

I don't want to throw my success in everybody's face, but I get upgraded a lot, Delta Diamond.

So my son has flown almost exclusively first class, which is very nice.

Yeah.

But we're about to, he's about to turn two, so I'll have to buy him a ticket.

Oh, shit.

You're coming up on that.

That sucks.

That'll be the end of.

It's funny watching.

watching because some people smile at the child in first class, and then other people like kind of almost grimace at the child.

Yeah, it feels like a thing where people are like, get the fuck out of it.

Even none of this.

So

even when they're like two, it's not you, or one, just not you holding them.

It's like them sitting in a seatbelt.

Oh, yeah, you gotta pay for them.

You can still hold them on takeoff when they're like two-ish.

And then once they get a little bigger, it's kind of like a gray area.

Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes you're like, my kid's crying.

I'm not going to strap them to a seatbelt.

Yeah.

Sorry, buddy.

So yeah, you have to like, yeah, like you, they kind of give you leeway.

My one daughter's five, and, like, for landings, they're like, she needs to be in a seatbelt.

Okay.

You're like, whatever.

So, wait, when you had, I assume there was a moment where you had just the one kid, and it was three of you.

Did you ever travel the three of you?

Did you buy a row?

Oh, yeah.

We've done it before.

Yeah.

We do Southwest sometimes, too, which we just did to Chicago this weekend.

It's one time.

Yeah, well, last time, because usually like my wife's really good about checking in.

We get early, so we get to like be towards the front.

And like, the one time I just wasn't paying attention, we were sitting at the gate next to the gate we're supposed to be at so the whole plane had boarded and then i heard my name like last call and i was like oh no so we all had to like split up my wife is not a fan was she a lap kid at that point or was she just sitting by herself we had this is when we had the two of them so we had to like but we i ended up taking like one in one we just had to beg strangers to switch seats right which some people are cool about some people are like not cool about that at all there's that thing you see it online where people are like uh your baby's not my problem i paid for this seat you ever see those no i've never seen that but it's also like that's the one thing.

Flying with kids is nice once you get over your kid crying loudly on a plane.

I don't care.

If my kid screams and cries, I'm like,

and I know people hate that, but it's like, throw the fuck up.

Well,

I don't care that the kid's crying.

It's just, I'm going to sort this out.

But also, everybody has noise-canceling headphones now.

That's like the standard headphone.

And everybody, you got 400 channels.

Like, just turn a fucking, turn on Mission Impossible 11 and turn it up full volume.

Yeah.

Fuck you.

Yeah, exactly.

And yeah.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not like thrilled if there's a crying baby, but you are like, you have the ability.

You don't have to just sit there listening to it.

Now, if y'all were going to play solo and you have first class and some lady has first class and she's trying to get you out of your seat, that you really want it.

I fantasize about the opportunity to be gentle.

I fantasize about like a decrepit old man and being like, please, sir, take this.

Please take my seat.

Or a kid.

My one fantasy is a kid throwing something very hard at my head to the point where I'm like bleeding.

I get to be like, yeah, it's no big deal.

I for real.

Just laugh at all.

Yeah.

The idea was all the time sounds like I have like foul ball fantasy.

Whenever I'm at a game, I'm like picking a kid.

I'm like, I'm going to fucking make this

world.

You're going to give it to him.

Give it to him.

No, no, I'm going to give it to him.

I'm going to do that.

Which I did do one time at a New York Islanders hockey game.

I caught the shirt.

They fired the shirt and I caught it.

And I'm a Bruins guy.

So I just gave it to a kid and I felt like a real million bucks.

Yeah.

I want to catch a foul ball just so I can give it to a kid and go viral.

You saw that lady who went viral for the exact opposite?

Yeah.

One of yours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know what's funny?

My wife was showing me that exact clip.

The lady spas a guy.

Now, I didn't really see the struggle.

Did he like snatch it from her or he just caught it?

She was being a sore loser.

I think he like landed in the, like it just hit the ground.

He rushed over while everybody was trying to get it, grabbed it first, and then ran it.

Yeah, I don't think he took it out of anybody's hand.

She was like, I think maybe touching it, but it was, it wasn't her row.

It was in his row, but right in front of her.

And she's, you know, a woman, so she sucks it.

Yeah.

You know,

she was like reaching down.

So I think her finger must have been touching it or whatever.

Okay.

But he got the ball.

Yeah.

He's like,

yeah, he had the ball and then he gave it to his kid.

It was his birthday.

And then she came over.

But I feel bad for the guy because I don't know if you watched the video.

Like the woman comes up yelling and he does, he goes,

like literally it's like it's it's egregious but and people are like this guy's a pussy fuck this guy but he's also literally hugging his son from behind it's his birthday he just like feels like a hero and this woman must have been like screeching and put her hands on him too so i've had you have those moments where you're like yo yo what the fuck is going on yeah and people are like you're such a pussy the way you reacted but you're like well that was like guttural.

I could beat the fuck out of this woman.

I'm not like

frightened me.

He's He's also, yeah, and he's an old man, too.

There's a chance he's dealt with that for decades.

And it just got, he thought he was at like a game with his son.

All of a sudden, a lady's like, what are you doing?

He's like, oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

I thought you were at home.

I thought you were back at the house.

What are you doing?

Then people are calling him a pussy, too, because he gave the ball up.

But you're also, I also get that of like, what am I going to do?

Just fist fight this woman?

Like, I'll fucking take your ball, you douche.

And then the guy got.

One of the players.

No, if he gave it away, it would have been even worse.

Oh, they gave him, yeah, the players gave him a bunch of stuff.

The team gave him a bunch of shit, too.

Yeah, it was so nice.

The team rallied around.

He's like, dude, I'm sorry to deal with that bitch.

Here's a bunch of swag from the team.

Well, that people were booing her, and so the whole section was booing her, and she started yelling at that.

It was like a wrestling match.

She was like, fucking, I don't know, Randy Savage or something.

I haven't watched wrestling in a while.

Yeah, that sucks.

That lady's definitely...

She has to go back to her job now.

And everyone's like, oh, yeah, you're the asshole of the week.

You're the giant fucking asshole of the week.

And I don't know if she's been doxxed yet.

Do we know that?

I don't know for sure, but there's rumors that she's lost her job since then.

No.

Yeah, I saw it online, but I don't know how true that is.

It was just something called.

Damn, she shouldn't have lost her job for that, though.

That's kind of fun.

I don't think so.

But oh, they did dox her.

I found her first and last name in a comment section.

I think you're saying you found her first.

Like, you were the first one.

I didn't know that.

I got her.

Yeah, you never know.

That's like kind of, I'm like bugged out about that.

You can just be going about a normal thing and just like your life's ruined over just one spaz.

I know you can't even yell the n-word at the subway anymore.

You know, you never know what surveillance is going to nab you.

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Christ.

I saw, my wife brought the old lady video to me, and then I was like, she was like, this lady's such a bitch.

Then I saw a video of an old white guy and a...

let's say middle-aged black guy snap.

They both went for it, to be fair.

And it was a, you know, a contest, and the black black guy emerged victorious, yeah.

And everyone's like, He's a piece of shit, and I was like, I don't know, it's a flip side.

It's like the guy wrestled it from the lady, he's a hero, yeah, but then the black guy, it was like an old man, so do you give it up, uh, or do you just be you know, black as hell?

I'm like, not my problem.

I do think it's like, I'd have hit it with the back of my problem.

It's a known thing, though.

You give the ball to a child, I feel like, as an adult, it's just obviously the elderly is like, you deserve this.

I don't have to give this to you.

He did.

He like power snatched it.

What if there's no kid in like a five, like a six seat radius?

Like you're here, no one there, no one there, no one there.

No kid, just all adults.

Give it to the hottest lady.

Give it to the hottest lady gets the ball out of the bag.

Put her between her tips.

It's hottest lady at that point.

All right.

I mean, yeah, I don't know.

Put it back.

Put it back and play.

Especially if it's like not your team's ball.

Like you just, I don't need this shit.

Who started that in Chicago?

I think Chicago does.

done.

Chicago, yeah, that's good.

And then other cities try to do it, and you're like, that's not even our thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I would keep it for sure.

But then you probably get home, and it's like, do you, would you, how long would you look at that ball in terms of like, oh, you gave it away?

Would you really have sentimental value?

Would you just sit at home like, oh, that's a fucking ball?

It's kind of fun, I guess.

I mean, I have a major league base.

I got to watch the Toronto Blue Jays batting practice on the field one time, and they gave me a ball, and I have it, and I'm like, oh, that ball, you get to tell people.

That ball is a real ball, whatever.

And my uncle, I was at a game with him years ago.

Sean Green, I think he played with the Blue Jays at the time.

It was like a rain delay game.

So it was down to like a very small amount of people.

And he caught the last out and like threw it directly to my uncle.

And that was, that was the coolest.

That's nice.

The closest I've come to a thing.

But I have no idea what that ball is.

I actually told the story to my uncle, and he's like, I don't remember that at all.

And I was like, he threw it to you.

And he's like, really?

So I guess that's the answer.

It's in his basement somewhere.

Yeah.

No memory whatsoever of a professional baseball player tossing a ball.

And then did you see the tennis one with the hat?

That was like a big one the week before.

No.

Oh, that one was crazy.

That guy did get doxxed.

I think he was European.

Did you see that one?

Boy, tennis is really at a low point in the United States, I guess.

Yeah.

Well, it was right after a match.

The guy took off his sweaty hat and handed it to a kid.

And this guy nabs, I think he signed it, handed it to the kid.

The guy nabs it and quickly puts it in his wife's purse.

And it went viral.

And the kid was like,

Didn't like steal it, still.

He didn't like take it.

Oh, no, he took it, he snatched it.

He literally snatched it.

I don't know if the kid got his hands on it, but the guy, the player was literally handing it to him.

And I think he was like a CEO or some crazy shit.

It was a big thing.

Oh, I think I heard it.

And then there was like an apology that I think might have been fake because there was like a statement being like, finders, keeper.

You snooze, you lose.

But I think that was fake.

Didn't he say, no, I think I remember the statement now.

It was like, he was like, this is how you become a winner.

You take things, like, you, you're not afraid to take things from people.

It was something like that, but I was like, this has to be

not real.

There's no way the company took that position.

Yeah.

I don't know if it was the company.

It was wiping that guy just be like, this is how I got what I got.

True.

Not worried about what the little man thinks of me.

Sean looks like he has something for the folks at home.

It's hard to

sift through this People Magazine article, but they keep saying he's a CEO.

He runs like a concrete company in Poland.

Polo, yeah.

So he's not like a big.

fat Italian guy.

He's a Polish, he's a yeah, he's a Polish.

He's a Polish concrete guy.

Bring back Polish jokes.

Yeah, those kind of faded, didn't they?

Polish jokes, yeah.

They fell out of favor.

Nobody fires them up.

Yeah, that's weird.

They were big when I was little.

They were huge.

That was like the only thing.

The Polish family got locked inside of their car.

What happened?

How'd they get locked in there?

They're just too dumb.

They didn't realize they could just open the lock.

I was like the one.

Why did the Polish guy get fired from the MM's factory?

He kept throwing away all the W's.

That was a big joke when I was a kid.

Because then they kind of became blonde jokes.

Blonde and Polish were interchangeable.

Yeah, yeah.

But I don't know what are the origins of Polish people being dumb.

I think they were fucking dumb.

I think every ethnic group came here and the Irish were like, you know, they were like lazy, subhuman.

Italians were, you know, just annoying.

And then

Polish people came here and everyone's like, these guys are dumb as fuck.

But could the

origins be like the dumb people stayed behind when the Nazis were coming?

Is that like,

could that be the origin?

They were probably valiant.

They were the heroes.

Were they all dumb?

And the dumb ones got killed by the Nazis and the other dumb ones came here.

Right, right.

This is, by the way, this is not my theory.

I'm just wondering if that's how it originated.

That's true.

I'm not like those fucking idiots didn't get out of the way of the Nazis.

I don't have any position on it at all.

I actually heard Polish people have not the biggest, but the fattest dicks out of all the riders.

Is that right?

Yeah, I swear to God.

That's the word on the curb that the Polaks have fat dons.

So I always throw that in there as well.

Fat is funny because it makes it seem like they could lose it if they worked.

Like, thick feels like natural, but fat is like, I gotta, I gotta change my diet.

Yeah, they have obese dons.

Wow, no kidding.

Yeah, what was the, I remember looking into the exact term Polak, and I, if I'm not mistaken, it actually applied to like Hungarians.

I think they actually, I forget, there was some weird thing where I thought it was a slur for them.

Yeah, it is, it's a slur, but it kind of I think it originated with like Hungarians.

When anyone from Eastern Europe came here, they just everyone lumped them together as Polaks, basically.

No kidding, yeah.

I didn't even know it was a slur.

I've been using that left and right.

It's not a slur.

If a Polish guy gets offended, he's a Polak.

So it's saying you're kind of bone-headed.

But yeah, Eastern Europeans are kind of a subject of fascination for me.

So I don't know anything about any of those countries.

Right.

This Google AI overview is blaming Archie Bunker for the anti-Polish sentiment.

They said he had a Polish son-in-law in All in the Family, and he would constantly make fun of him.

Oh, meathead.

Yeah, yeah.

So they said that sort of started it along with like

xenophobia and stuff, according to Google.

No, that makes sense.

Yeah, I know they have big fat heads.

I've heard that too.

Square, big, fat, square heads.

Fat heads, fat dicks.

Dummies.

Are the fat heads heads from drinking?

I know the dicks aren't.

I don't know.

You know what?

I was actually,

I was at a bar with my wife.

We're in Chicago this weekend, and we're at a hotel bar just hanging out.

And there were two guys.

Their wives had giant fake tits.

And the guys had big, fat heads.

And I was kind of like, damn, it's kind of alpha.

It was like giant fat head.

They're just like arms around their fake titted wives.

And I was like, these guys are onto something.

They're swinging.

I got to pee next to one of the guys.

And I was just kind of, I didn't look at his dick, but I was kind of admiring him.

Like, Like, damn, I wish I was with you guys.

I'm with my fucking wife, natural tits, and I'm just, you guys have giant fake-titted wives, like, dude, nipples flying out of the shirt.

They just sat there in like pink polos with huge heads, and I was just menacing me from across the bar.

That was wonderful.

It was awesome.

I grew up in Massachusetts.

There was no Polish people, I feel like.

Maybe there was one Wozniak in my school.

I forget her name.

But it was all Irish, Italian, English.

Yeah, that's it.

We had three black people.

Yeah, we had zero black people.

Well, yeah, zero, a couple Mexican guys, but we had pretty much just Irish, Italian, and then some Polish.

I didn't start differentiating white people until I started comedy, and then y'all kind of made it clear that y'all are different.

Yeah, I thought, like, I didn't know Jews weren't white people for the longest time.

They are.

Don't let them lie to you.

That's what I think.

They're fucking white.

I think if you can hide it a little bit, then you're not, you know.

I similarly...

Discovered Jewish people late in life as well.

Yeah.

I went to Catholic school for 12 years, so I, for real, didn't know any Jewish Jewish people.

Yeah, we had very few Jews.

We just saw a few Jews we had.

I was in Great Neck, Long Island, where there's a lot of,

I always confuse Orthodox and what's the other one?

Hasidic.

Yeah, yeah.

Dang.

And I think these were Hasidic with the thing.

And

my family member, I don't want to out specifically in case you get stuck, but a family member was like,

I thought they couldn't be out like during the day.

I swear to God.

And we were like in our 20s.

I was like, during the day?

what are they fucking vampires doing the day?

I was like,

no, no, they go out during the day and they got jobs and everything.

So you can't see their horns.

I was kind of like blown away.

I was like, what?

But maybe she thought, use electricity on Saturday?

That is a thing.

Yeah, one of my friends lived next door to some of those guys.

They weren't the

curly guy.

I get them confused too.

I think they were Orthodox.

So they would have him, a Gentile, come to their house and flick the lights for him.

Yeah, there's a lot of that.

Did they pay you for those services?

What do you think, Nate?

Nate, you sent me up there.

I think it was just a general goodwill.

I think the day before 9-11, they were like, yo, by the way, just be careful.

Don't go to work.

Jews are having a tough time right now, by the way.

They are.

Yeah.

I personally like them.

But a lot of people are fucking, I do.

I was raised in a very pro-Jew house.

My dad, he would always be like, I love Jewish people.

I love Jewish people too.

Yeah, he loved it.

But it was funny because he'd be like, dude, I love the Jews.

I just love how they operate with their money.

And I'd be like, all right, I was a little kid being like, cool.

He would tell us, he was like, he would say he's an Irish Jew.

No kidding.

Yeah, they never came.

Isn't that Scottish?

Folks.

Scottish people are known for being very frugal.

That's a joke.

But yeah, my dad would for real like use their, he would like admire the things people hate about them.

He's like, I I love the way they act with their money.

He's like, more people got to do it.

I'm like, nice, dad.

Not trying to bite your dad, but that is my favorite thing about Jewish people.

People knock them for that, but I think it's cool as hell to be like, these are my brews.

I'm going to look out for my brews.

Yep.

Well, yeah, they're very, when you, when you really look into the religion, it gets a little spooky.

It really does.

Like, if you read about it, it's like, I love...

Love the squad, but like you read about what they're up to and you're kind of like, but isn't that if you look into any religion?

Not really, dude.

Look into Christianity.

Imagine Christianity.

Who's getting fed to tigers or lions?

That's Christians.

That was the fucking Romans, dude.

Yeah, and they were feeding Christians to.

Yeah, they're feeding everybody.

Okay, okay.

Romans are feeding everybody.

It's not a special thing that happened where Catholics was getting fed to lions.

Am I remembering?

They did?

Not Catholics, but well, Christians.

Okay, okay.

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Who do you think the funniest group is?

Because Jews got to be up there.

Yeah, they're up there.

I mean, it's between Jews and black people, I feel like, don't you think?

Yeah, you mean pound for pound through like the last hundred years or so.

I'd say, yeah.

And then third, I'm giving it to the Italians.

What?

Italians make me laugh.

They know.

Black people love Italians.

You can't.

Black people love Italian.

Honestly, black people want to be Italian.

Do you want to be Italian?

Yes, you do.

Black people want to be Italian.

Italians want to be black people.

Every time I see a black dude eating spaghetti on Instagram, they all think they're al Capone.

If you hear a black dude spaghetti,

well, very similar.

I mean, you have big dicks, funny,

kind of loud, and

very stylish.

Clothing's a big deal.

Yeah.

That's how I'm doing it.

I don't know.

I've always liked it.

My wife does it.

She's like, she'll like talk about Italians like they're cool.

And I'm like, they're not fucking cool.

They're fucking over this.

The coolest whites.

This is cool.

This is a bug in your programming.

They're definitely the coolest whites.

Well, it depends on if we're talking about like stand-up comedy funny or just hanging out funny.

Like Italians accidentally are fucking about, oh, hey, what the fuck?

Look at you.

Look at me.

That's funny.

And similarly with black people, it's just a funny way of talking, a funnier vernacular than, you know, certainly.

But if you do stand-up, Irish really making a great push.

As a Boston guy, I I feel like I have to.

I would say Ireland is the land of the poets for sure.

Yeah,

I like y'all a lot, too, but just Italians are more.

They're like a good Marvel movie.

They're dumb funny.

They are dumb funny.

Yeah.

Italians are good.

But black people might be number one.

I mean, if you think for a pound for pound,

you're just hanging out with a black guy.

He's going to be funnier than most of the white guys.

Yeah.

I feel like, you know what it is, though?

But then it's like, yeah, for sure, 100%.

But then it's like, I feel like a lot of black dudes get all the juice.

you know, because there's a lot of black dudes that were just kind of just like

boring, kind of.

And I always feel bad.

You be a boring white guy, you're totally fine.

But being like a boring black guy sucks.

Yeah.

No, yeah, I know a few that you're like, wow, really skipped a generation.

Well, I always tell this story.

I was on the subway one time, and there was two guys yelling across, like one was at the other stop, so it was like 50 feet away, and they were just having a conversation.

And this guy, he said the M-word, but I'll clean it up.

But he's like, he's like, yo, that motherfucker's so sweaty.

He looked like he put a water balloon in a headlock.

And I was like, that's like poetry.

That's like, did you just make that up?

A water balloon and a headlock?

I was like, that's like better than anything I've heard in three years.

The funniest thing I've ever heard was a long, long time ago.

I was in Philly, just, you know, doing stand-up in the early days.

And I used to do a lot of black rooms.

And this one guy, there was a Muslim dude in the crowd.

And he was just like, yo, how'd you get your, how many turtles do you have to sell to get your red beard, man?

What point did they upgrade?

And it was just like, I was like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

after you sell your haunted turtle you have to dye your beard

why do muslims dye their beard red by the way

hannah i think so like tats yeah like

fake dye

just had red beards like pirates

like dye it's like party dye i honestly have no idea no i don't know i'm finding out i'm not very cultured here I didn't know the Polish thing, the fat dick Polish stuff.

I swear.

I've heard it.

I don't know where I heard that from.

I've read a book where they talked about a Polish guy who would call his dick the Polish hog.

Did he write the book?

No, the guy who wrote it was not Polish.

He was not.

Is this a kid's book?

Yeah.

Daddy, why is your Polish friend's dick so fat?

Dying the beard red with henna is a sunnah practice, so it's a Muslim thing.

But what the f- Why?

It's just something about Muhammad.

Oh.

Oh, it's like the blood of your enemies or something?

It could be.

I don't know.

The blood of the infidel.

I'm getting nervous now.

Yeah, Muhammad apparently encouraged his.

That's kind of cool, though.

I can get behind that.

Well, you're talking about Muhammad was a fierce warrior.

I was paying respects.

Yes, absolutely.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

What else is going on?

Oh, boy.

Nah, Muslims are in.

They're cool.

They're chilling, bro.

They were at public enemy number one for like 10 years ago.

Public enemy number one, certainly 24 years ago, almost to the day.

You that was quick math you did in your head, actually.

It's pretty good.

Yeah, coming up in the big ante.

True.

Where were you guys for 9-11?

Grade school.

Yeah.

I was

so happy.

I was in.

No, I was in high school.

I was in high school.

My bad.

My bad.

Yeah, I was definitely in high school.

My bad.

I was like a junior.

Yeah, I was like a sophomore.

You were healthy.

Software in high school.

That's where I was.

Okay.

And they like wheeled a a TV into the class and like showed us the news.

And I still was completely lost on me.

Wow.

I was like, are we getting out early or not?

And then we did.

And I was like, nice.

9-11 didn't hit me for how fucked up it was until like this year.

I watched that.

Like, for real.

I watched that.

That Al-Samabin Live Doc, where the first episode breaks down.

And that was the first time I really watched it as an adult.

And I'm sitting there like, and I had lived in New York since then.

So I'm sitting there like, oh, that was like for real.

But when I was a kid, I was just like, oh, yeah, shit.

Well, I guess it feels normal-ish if you're young.

How old are you?

I was in sixth grade, so I was probably like 12.

12, yeah.

Yeah, I was, I don't know what the hell I was talking about.

I was definitely 15 or it was like 15 years old.

I was

19.

Okay.

So you.

So I was at home.

Like I was doing.

I graduated high school.

I was just doing stand-up and nothing else.

And my sister woke me up and said that somebody's shooting at the World Trade Center.

Because I think it was like noon.

Yeah.

Nobody knew.

She was like, they're shooting at the World Trade Center.

I was like, oh, wow, that's crazy.

Yeah.

And I woke up and was wild.

She saw the planes.

Yeah, I don't know.

I remember being for real.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was just excited to get out of school.

No, I think that's fair.

I think that's most people

that were in school.

Yeah.

You just sent us home and I was like, sweet.

My parents were like kind of freaking out.

And I was like, whatever.

Maybe not the New Yorkers.

They probably weren't.

Yeah, that was terrible.

Yeah.

It's funny because I was like pretty close.

I was already in Philadelphia.

So I was like, not that far from it.

Right.

But it could have been, it was like, might have as well have been on the other side of the country.

I was just like, well, not my problem.

I was there in August.

I have a photo of the World Trade Center from like August 2nd or something like that.

I was like underneath it.

Whoa, yeah.

You're saying?

No, no, no.

Like a month before.

The old one.

Yeah.

The Twin Towers.

Like, I was there like six weeks before that.

The new one's the biggest building in America.

Yeah.

In the Western Hemisphere.

I live right across the street.

Do you really?

Yeah.

It's right out my window.

That's awesome.

You get charged.

You charge them to know where I live.

You get charged Muslim talk.

I want to let people know my exact address.

Dude, I mean, I could be wrong.

I was taking a wild guess.

I don't know why.

Can you look up the origins of the red dye?

It's probably not that.

Yeah.

But, yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

I love that.

I was like, we're like, let's get off this Muslim stuff.

Let's talk 9-11.

It says it's just an act of devotion.

Okay.

And, you know, for older men, it's a nice way to maintain groomed and presentable while embracing your age.

Oh, to hide the gray.

Yeah, I guess so.

So probably go bald, dye to beard.

But some people do black instead.

It's just

some people do just jet black.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's pretty tight.

That's cool.

That's what I have to do.

I guess.

I've been doing girls who dyed a jet black.

So it's just kind of like, you know.

I think it's just like a swag thing.

Yeah.

It feels like a way to just, yeah, look like you're not aging.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's kind of what I'm hearing.

Yeah.

That's smart.

Yeah.

Yeah, we got two pays for

the religion.

Yeah, for Muhammad.

I've talked to a Muslim guy, an Uber driver, and I was asking him, like, what's the deal with like for real than multiple wives?

Is it like, it can't be as cool as everyone says.

What's the deal with the multiple wives?

Dude, I do.

You are these wives?

How do they get along?

I do a happy to chat an Uber, and most people will check it and be like, some people check it and they're like, fuck this guy.

I'm not doing it.

But a lot of them will check and be like, I now have to entertain this guy.

And they'll just chat me up.

Oh, wow.

It's so fun.

I like it.

I think you can do that.

Oh, yeah.

You can select preferences.

You can select shut the fuck up, basically.

They can't talk.

You select shut the fuck up.

That's what I'm saying.

Maybe here.

But in New York, I've never had a driver talk to me one time ever in New York.

They can't, probably.

They probably can't.

What do you mean?

Did you ever see their phone speaking?

English fucking like Space Invader shit on their phone.

You can't even see.

I see the letters.

I'm like, I don't even know what that is.

I was thinking, like, unable, like, not allowed to.

I didn't realize that you're saying they can't speak the language.

I don't know.

I could be wrong.

I feel like it's much more business in New York.

You get into Uber.

Because they have like half-taxi hybrid stuff.

Right, right.

But that's what I hate about the middle of the country.

It's like you go to Omaha and you get picked up and they're like, what brings you here?

And you're like, oh, fuck.

Yeah.

No, I love that.

I love because I'll start asking them.

I was, dude, I've had some fantastic conversations in Ubers.

Because you have like a 20-minute ride, and I'll just start chatting them up.

It's kind of fun.

I've had so

divorced guys.

I've had a lot of tales of like love lost.

And

that's definitely the job you do as soon as everything falls apart.

You have your other job, and you're like, I got to do something else with my time.

I got to get an apartment.

Have you been recognized in a lift?

Have you been recognized in a lift?

I don't know.

Maybe once, but not no.

I've like beat around that bush here and there.

And then people

have had people talk to me about chaining lifts, and they're like, dude, this guy Shane Gillis is so funny.

Oh, that's great.

I'm like, yeah, he's good.

He's great.

He's awesome.

I should start trashing him.

Like, I've heard he's a fucking giant asshole.

He's a piece of shit that guy.

No kidding.

They'll probably kick you out, though.

Like, Piglubowski.

Get the fuck out of my game.

You don't say shit about him.

He's definitely one star.

It's happened to me a lot.

I've been in gyms and like this one guy, I swear to God, because at first I was like, almost like, does this guy know of the podcast?

And I don't think he did at all.

But I was in a gym on the road.

It was like getting guest passed.

The one guy wore, he was like leaning into fall fashion.

And the other guy at the gym was like, Shane would think you're gay.

And I was just like, whoa, his fucking, his net has traveled in a lifetime fitness.

That's hilarious.

It's pretty great.

I had a 401 of those once where a dude couldn't remember his name.

He was describing, he just stopped me on the street and was like, it was when I was trying to move down here.

Some dude was trying to talk to me about his comedy or whatever.

He didn't know I was a comic.

He just started talking to me drunk.

And he started, I just asked him who his favorite comic was, just trying to small talk about just smoking a J, trying to kill Tom.

And he goes,

this guy, he goes on Rogan.

He talks about politics.

So I was like, all right, that's not Shane.

So I go like Tim Dylan.

And he goes, he's like a handsome Tim Dylan.

And I don't know why that shit just was so fucking funny to be referred to as a handsome Tim Dylan.

Tim is a very handsome guy.

Yeah.

He's just, you know, a beast.

If you see young Tim Dylan, he's very handsome.

He's blue eyes.

He's a very attractive man.

He is an attractive male.

I blew him.

Yeah, no,

it is fun.

Getting in the Uber.

I will say getting guys from Pakistan and an Uber, the one I get them fired up on, I go, what do you think about American women?

And they just do, they go off.

It's the best.

It's so funny.

They're no good.

And also, no one believed me.

The divorce rate in Pakistan.

He was like, what is the divorce rate in Pakistan?

I was like, I don't know.

What do you guys got?

Like 10%?

He was like, 1%.

Wow.

And nobody believes me.

They look it up.

It's literally 1%, the divorce rate in Pakistan.

Is it a sin?

What's the...

Yeah, I think it's like completely frowned upon.

How often do wives die in Pakistan?

Now you're on to something.

I think I know.

90% of wives die before the age of 40 in Pakistan.

Nobody.

Well, yeah.

Or maybe in Pakistan, I don't know.

I don't don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's like you can get a little, you can get like,

you can use bouncer rules.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kind of fold their hands across their chest, move them out of the room.

Put them a timeout.

But also, what I was asking the guy about multiple wives, he was like, it's not like everyone says, yeah, you can totally get another wife, but you need to be able to prove that you have the resources to care for them.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

And you got to like, it's a whole thing.

You got to like put them together, make sure they get along.

But he's like, yeah, you're totally, totally within your right.

And you could just hang out in the house with both of them.

It's not like separate homes?

I think it's separate homes.

I think you need to be able to have, I think, I could be wrong, but the way he described it is you got to be able to like fully support another.

But I feel like in Pakistan, I don't think you'd, I don't know, I think you'd be able to just kind of put them in like apartment A, apartment B.

All right.

I'm just thinking out loud over here.

It was kind of, he's like, it's not as cool as everyone says, which I'm like, I agree.

I'm like, I've talked to people about the multiple wife thing.

I think it is not as cool as people say.

One wife, couple girlfriends.

Dude, my youngest daughter is like really wants me to get a girlfriend.

She keeps saying, she's like, Dad, you have a girlfriend?

I'm like, no, I'm married.

She's like, dad, you need a girlfriend.

I'm like, all right.

It's like, I thought you'd be furious if I had a girlfriend.

It's the only reason I don't have a girlfriend.

You brought it up to your wife?

I tell her all the time.

I'm like, Chloe wants me to get a girlfriend.

I don't know.

I feel like if she got older, she would take it.

I'd be like, dude, you said when you were three,

got to get it in right.

You know what weirds me out?

The hall pass talk among couples.

I'm like, who would your hall pass be?

It's like, don't talk about that.

Yeah, we never had that conversation.

It's a totally fruitless conversation.

Right.

Because you already know it's like, yeah, just be like, I don't know.

I think it's fucking lame.

I don't like it.

I don't like it because I know you're not saying the real thought.

Like, if I asked her, she would say somebody that would be unattainable, but her real hall pass, she'd want to say is just like a guy she worked with.

Right, right, yeah.

No, it's kind of

like

one one of your close friends.

Yeah, the guy she's always thinking about.

Well, that's what I think.

I think everyone secretly wants to fuck their spouse's friends.

Really?

Don't you think?

Or siblings?

I could see where you're coming from, but I don't.

It's extra forbidden, you know?

Yeah, true.

Like, if I could,

like, I could have sex with any woman.

It wouldn't be Anne Hathaway.

It would be, you know, my wife's friend.

Aunt, we'll say.

But yeah, one of her buddies.

You know, her childhood friend.

I'm trying to run through the list.

In my head.

I don't know.

I think it might just be like the first person I see outside.

Right.

She'll be our neighbor across the hall.

Well, I think that's the case.

I think most guys cheat with like a less attractive woman.

I've heard that.

Something.

I've heard that.

Yeah.

I wonder if that's true.

Well, I think you want to feel guilt-free.

Yeah.

So that way, if you get caught, you can be like, she's a fucking pig.

nothing compared to you.

She's gross.

She's ugly.

Or she can be super high and be like, what am I supposed to do?

Say no to that.

She's way better than you.

Yeah, that's a good one.

I always thought it was just younger.

It's like you have sex with a younger lady.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Kind of like the, I think there's always going to be at a pizza shop.

I think every female cashier is in the hot seat in terms of like the 50-year-old Italian guy.

Yeah.

I've heard of that happening a lot.

It's big in New Jersey.

Every high school girl gets lightly molested by their pizza shop manager boss.

Really?

But even Burger King, like a Burger King, there's like, it's all like high school kids, a lot of girls working there.

If every Burger King, there's like a 40-year-old manager who's like, chances are he's being, you know, an Ephibop file, let's say.

Right.

Yeah,

I've heard about tales like that.

I used to work with this uncle.

I'm trying to be vague.

I used to work with this guy.

He was like smashing one of the.

She was like 18.

Like 18?

no, no, no, no, she was 18 or 19.

She was similar to 18.

I think, I think she was 18.

I got it.

She was 18 or 19.

That's how I remember it.

I think I would have been, I was like 16 then, so I think I would have still known if it was real fucked up.

But anyway, I just remember.

Not back then, you wouldn't.

Not then.

That's what I'm trying to remember.

That's why I'm saying, like, I'm trying to run it in my head, like, what?

Whatever.

Anyway,

I think 18, though.

I really do.

Because I know she was like a senior in high school and shit.

But anyway.

You're sweating.

It wasn't me.

I don't give a fuck.

But the guy, I remember he was just, he was just always like taking her into the, just when we would clean up the story, take her into the fit room.

They'd fuck.

I was like the only one who knew.

And her boyfriend would just pick her up afterwards.

And I'd, and I'd see it.

And I just, I didn't know him.

Like, we didn't go to school together or anything.

It's just, I, and the one time I just saw her walk out and kiss him on the lips like as soon as they got.

And I just was like, I, oh my God.

It's like she gave him a nice greeting, though.

She snowballed, you know?

She snowballed.

Yeah, yeah.

Bring your chick home.

She's got fresh

Burger King manager.

I'm into it.

I've been around a long time.

You know, it's kind of fun.

It's tough being a high school-aged male.

Yeah, because it's tough.

You never know.

Yeah, I got dominated like that.

I heard a chick I used to date, she used to get picked up by some old guy.

Just one of her friends told me, he had some dude, he was like 25.

She was like 16.

Just used to pick her up from her winnies.

We used to go to a, when I was growing up and like in high school, uh, we would go to this place called Painters Crossing, and it was just like a shopping center with like an AMC, a movie place, and just like you know, random other bullshit restaurants, like a friendly's.

And we would see those like cool Honda Civics with spoilers pull up, and they were like sharks, they were just 25-year-old dudes who would just come prey on your like cool high school girlfriends.

You'd be like, Come on, let's get out of here.

You'd just be like,

No, they're here.

They would just circle the park and stand outside of their cars, and you'd have to like get your girlfriend out of there because she would get molested by an older man.

Yeah, I remember my girlfriend was a year younger than me, and then I didn't go to college, and then she graduated, went to college, and

we broke up.

I like initiated the breakup because I was like, you want to break up, right?

Like, clearly, this isn't going to be great.

And I started doing comedy, so I was like hanging out with like 50-year-old men immediately.

And then I'd be like, come on, I'm doing comedy.

It would just be a bunch of middle-aged guys and like me.

She's like, this is awful.

And then I'd go visit her at college and it's just the hottest

football play guy.

And And I'm like, I was like, You want to break up?

Yeah, I do.

She was too nice to do it.

Yeah, and I, I, I feel like I could just, I could be wrong about this, but I feel like in that situation, a girl would just be like, I like the comfort of having a boyfriend, then I'm gonna get here and slowly leave.

They'll definitely cheat a little, too.

I think, yeah, I think so.

I did the right thing in high school.

I broke up, I was dating someone.

I was just like, We can't when I go to high school.

And I felt bad, but or when I go to college,

she was pissed.

Yeah, she was in eighth grade.

She had an eighth grade volleyball.

But you can't, I mean, that destroys, that destroys high school romances.

I had a guy sit me down a long time ago and be like, bro, like, trying to talk me out of my high school sweetheart.

He's like, you guys are going to last.

And I was like, fuck, dude, why are you doing this to me?

He was like, just move on.

Wow.

It's kind of rough.

But I mean, yeah, he was wise.

He said, this will never last.

I was like, all right, well, thanks, man.

I only broke up with one woman my whole life, and she accused me of cheating.

It was kind of hot.

She was like, You're cheating on me.

She was Italian.

She was like, You're cheating on me.

I know it.

You're a piece of shit.

I was like, I'm not.

I wish I was.

Yeah, I'm like, I was like, I just don't care for you.

Yeah, I would say breaking up, I still think breaking up with is infinitely harder than getting broken up with.

Yeah, I know.

I remember feeling like a panic attack.

It was horrible.

Oh, it's horrible.

It's like literally the most

lethal or like, you know, brutal conversation you can have to be like, hey, I don't want to

see you ever again.

It's essentially what you're saying.

Or, like, I would, I'm open to it, but I just want to just, you know, maybe we could be like stranger, more like strangers to each other.

Yeah, no, it was rough.

I had a thing, it was funny.

I was dating this woman, and I just didn't like her.

I only dated her because I was single for like seven years.

And I thought people were going to think I was gay.

I was like, I got to get a girlfriend so people don't just think I'm gay.

And so I knew her from work.

So I started dating her, but I never liked her.

I wasn't into her.

It was just whatever.

She was wearing a beard, basically.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

So we were dating, and then it was like, I wanted to break up with her, but I didn't.

And then Christmas was like coming upon us.

And I was like, shit, I got to get her a fucking gift because I just put off breaking up with her.

And literally, I was driving to meet up with her like on December 23rd.

It was like Christmas Eve, Eve.

And I was like, oh, dude, I remember we were at this store one time and she said she liked this picture of Audrey Hepburn.

I'm like, I'll stop and pick that up.

And so I just grabbed it on the way there, handed it to her, like, Merry Christmas.

And she opened it and just started bawling.

She's like, nobody's ever loved me this much you remembered and I was like fuck oh you're right you had because I like wanted to break up with her and then I just bought like some random shit I'm like I kind of remember she bought that and she had dated like bad boys or whatever before I was a nice guy and so I just nailed the gift and I was like I just fucking

she was like literally crying like no one's ever loved me like this in my life and I was like oh god damn it but then Right after Christmas, my grandfather died and then she didn't come to the funeral and I used that

as an excuse.

She's like, I didn't even know you wanted me there.

You didn't even tell me where it was.

And I was like, well, you should have looked at that little piece of shit.

You fucking careless bitch.

So I was like, that was my out.

But I remember being horrified, like, truly, like, shaking.

So you think about it for like three months.

By the time you're getting broken up with, the person's probably thought about it for anywhere from six months.

Yeah.

And now she's married and I'm married.

That's good.

Yeah.

Worked out.

My dad in Jess, when I was in grade school, told me to always break up with a girl before Christmas so I didn't have to buy her anything.

And I like actually did that one time, like right before Christmas.

And it was, I was like, it was for real, the meanest thing you could do.

Yeah, I was just like, that was like in seventh grade, you know, and you're like, we're dating, but you don't ever even see the person.

You just like hold hands in recess for like three days.

And dad's like, I meant October, you fucking idiot.

Yeah, I was mad about that.

It was funny having like a girlfriend in like seventh grade and you just be like, we're dating and you just see them at recess and then you break up two days later.

Yeah, someone left in fifth grade, Jen McCarthy, not to be confused with Jenny McCarthy,

the anti-vex hut lady.

But yeah, and she was dating two guys, she was dating Matt Will and me, and because you didn't hook up, or we were in fifth grade, we didn't even kiss.

Yeah, so she's like, These are my two boyfriends,

the three of us would like hang out.

Yeah, yeah, it was pretty cool.

And then, uh, yeah, you just broke up because like summer happened, and you didn't have any way of seeing her.

Yeah, you know, you're like, all right, that was that.

Did she bring up both of you?

I don't even remember.

I think she was more into it because he was more of a

fatherless

man.

So I think he was probably fingering her.

And I was like,

it felt like they definitely had.

Yeah, yeah.

I was just like, oh, yeah.

I remember being in grade school.

I think I might have been in sixth grade.

And an eighth, I was just like sitting, you know, like on the maybe gymnasium floor at like an assembly.

And an eighth grade girl laid her boob on my hand.

Whoa.

And I just sat there.

She She was eighth grade?

Yeah, bro.

Yeah, bro.

It was awesome.

And I just sat.

I just remember just my hand just feeling the pressure of her boob for an entire assembly.

Then she got up and I was so confused because I was like, is that my fucking girlfriend now?

Is that a base?

I don't even know.

It was under the shirt, second base, technically, but it was back in my hand.

Still something.

It was definitely something.

Yeah, it was so much so that I was like, can you just touch ladies' boobs?

Is that like a thing?

We had tables in my grade school and I would slowly elbow over and like hit the lady's boob next to me and they'd be like get off me

one lady laid on my arm i thought it was like i don't know i thought you guys want i thought you might want to rest your tits on my elbows

i wish i could redo life you know don't we all yeah i feel like i could really do but not that i would be like a crazy pussy crushing man

still me but I think if I had a little more confidence, I could have had more sex.

Yeah, for sure.

Even in high school, I feel like I could have done it all right for myself.

No, it happened.

I was like, nothing really doing.

And then

a little bit in late grade school, and then not sex, obviously.

That's weird.

When people have sex and they're in eighth grade, I'm like,

it kind of freaks me out.

But I remember I got like, I like lost a bunch of weight my junior year and just I got like shredded out of nowhere.

I kept getting grounded for drinking.

So I would just like act like I was in prison and just do like pull-ups in my base.

And I got like actually shredded.

You're just reading spiritual books.

Dyed my beard red.

But yeah, no, I and again i remember i just like hit this weird spurt of like i've never gotten never like i don't know i just hit like a i went on like a tear in high school then like at the beginning of college just monstrous dry spell

i was just i was just thinking about a lady that i realized i could have in high school because she she just followed me like a couple weeks ago or like last week on instagram and i saw that and i thought of something she said to me that now i would have known it was like a green light she was like uh

I wish I could mess with you, but I'm kind of friends with your girlfriend.

And like,

her saying that out loud is really going, like, I'll fuck you and I won't tell you.

You didn't realize this at the time?

No, I was like in 10th grade.

I just didn't take it.

I don't know.

I didn't, I didn't.

That's fair.

10th grade, I guess.

It might have been 10th, 11th.

I think I tried to sell myself short.

It was 11th.

I was always so afraid of being a bad guy.

You feel like you make a move.

And she's like, what the fuck?

You piece of shit.

That was like such a fear.

I grew up listening to hip-hop.

I didn't give a fuck.

Yeah, that's just true.

Yeah.

If anything, it was true.

It was like, no.

When I was young, like, we didn't, it was, it wasn't cool to kiss kiss ladies.

That's crazy.

I feel like that.

I remember being like, somebody being like, oh, you kissed it?

Like, because they suck dicks.

I know that's dumb now.

Oh, I see.

I always looked at it.

This is like the gayest thing I've ever heard.

That's because they were a homophobic.

They're homophobic.

I see.

Yeah, yeah.

I always looked at it.

That was a chain of events.

I still follow a base procedure, by the way.

Yeah, now you got it.

It's kiss, touch boobs.

touch vagina, then have sex.

I still hold it down that way.

The girl I lost my virginity to, we didn't kiss for six months.

We were dating.

And I remember I was having a conversation with one of my friends about it as an adult that that happened.

And he was, and she cheated on me.

She's the one who was like the McDonald's, the one getting picked up from Wendy's I was telling you about and shit like that.

I also heard she got cheated on by like getting a train ran or all that, all that shit.

Oh, she cheated on me doing that shit.

Yeah.

But so we're talking about that.

I talked to how they kissed her for six months.

He was like, you mean you dated a chick who was just like, you fuck her and not kiss her for six months.

And you didn't realize she was a hoe.

Like she's not, she's like, yeah, you're doing the right thing, not kissing me.

It's kind of her energy.

I don't know.

I thought that's like pretty woman.

She's Julia Robbins.

Pretty woman.

Yeah, she's not allowed to kiss.

It is funny.

You guys were in like a serious relationship, though.

You guys were like.

Yeah, she was the first person.

I was like, I was on that.

I love you.

I was hanging out with her dad.

It was all that stuff.

No, that

really was bad for everyone's brain, man.

Yeah.

I like sold Coke for a while.

I was like, this is so cool.

And then you get older.

You're like, that's such a bad

negative thing to do.

I could have ruled it.

Couldn't convince me then.

Back then, I was like, this is the coolest thing I can possibly do.

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Selling Coke's pretty cool.

You get money, right?

You don't honestly, I swear to God, dude, you don't make as much as you think.

Oh, really?

Because I sold weed for a while, too.

I made way more money selling weed.

Coke is like, unless you're getting like big amounts of it, you don't make as much for in terms of like the risk of going to jail.

If you just get like a couple ounces of Coke and break them down into 20 bags, you like you make money off of it, but nowhere near getting a couple pounds of weed.

And you would not, the jail, like from like selling an eight ball to a pound of weed is like completely right.

And the dudes I knew who sold crack, like they never seen.

I heard that's pretty profitable.

I don't, I never knew anybody who was top guy.

You know what I mean?

Everybody I knew who they were like fine.

They were like, but they all they lived together.

Like it was like three brothers that I was hanging out with.

One time they sent me to sell crack for them.

And I, you know,

I don't think I told you now.

Which fast food chain were you operating at lately?

So their house was like right down the street from this park called, I think it was Barbie's Park, it was called.

So I had to, to, I took the crack and I took their bike.

And I saw, you have to go up this bridge that's like up a hill and then down the hill.

So I go up the hill, then I start going down the hill.

The park's right at the end of the hill.

And I realize as I'm going down the hill that the brakes on the bike don't work.

So I'm going to self-crack and then I can't stop the bike and I spit out and fall.

Oh, you gotta like, you gotta animate this.

This is like fucking the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

And then the car just stops, like slams on the brake.

It's just two Puerto Rican dudes, and they just started pointing and laughing.

I don't like a civic, and then I did go sell it.

No, it wasn't.

It wasn't.

I don't remember being in a vial, though.

That's all I always see them on TV, but it was in like a little, like, same bag you put weed, right?

Right, right.

And uh, excuse me.

Did you complete the mission?

Yeah, I completed the mission.

It was for 30 bucks, and then I went back, and I think I just told him, like, yeah, I fell on the bike.

You told me the bike.

That is fucking hilarious.

You dropped the crackmobile, dude.

You're like, here's the crack.

Do you guys have any gauze?

I want to start a non-profit that repairs young kids who sell cracks bikes.

Like, well,

just make sure the brakes are good.

I didn't think about that.

Yeah, there's probably a lot of like

kind of janky bikes going around there.

I'm just, man, no one told me.

Huh?

I was going to say there's a good chance that it was somebody else's bike.

Oh, come on, Sean.

Sean.

I don't want to be a chicken.

I didn't want to be a trip.

That's jacked up, man.

I'm sorry.

I tried to get a bunch of people.

I'm sorry,

Sean's probably right.

Ah, crap.

Sorry.

That's nice to know, though.

If your bike gets stolen, it's like, at least, you know.

Yeah, absolutely.

Someone's upperly mobile is trying to make the best of a bad situation.

But also, you know, it's got fucked up brakes, so you're like, watch what happens.

Yeah, that's crazy.

They didn't warn you the bike had no brakes.

Did you have to use your sneakers to slow yourself down?

I just remember falling.

I don't remember exactly how, like, what like what i tried i think i tried to like get off and hop and just who bought the crack uh it was two people it was like an older looking dude and uh it was that and a younger guy but like

i don't know father and son

about to go to the baseball game but what's that list what are the two people in uh in the wire the the bugsy and he had this his guy that died i don't know i forget yeah never mind bad riff dang so that was it that was your that was it for you That was it.

That's what we thought.

Fucking the bicycle was like, damn, I can't trust these bicycles.

I'm not cut out for this.

I also was, I think I was always kind of phony tough.

Like, not like I would, I would be around the dumb shit, but in my heart, I was like, nah.

I used to like to fight a lot.

And then I remember we were supposed to fight after school.

This was like ninth or 10th grade.

And one of my friends had a little 22 that he showed me.

Oh, jeez.

And I just remember being like,

this is this is this conversation.

Yeah, he is.

And then I kind of started, I changed who I was hanging with.

I had like this one group I was with all the time.

And then I kind of went to my friends that I was hanging with a lot more in middle school.

You found Le Maire.

I found a version of Le Maire.

Yeah, a different fat guy.

A different funny fat guy.

Yeah,

that's what Coke was for me.

It was the absolute, I was out of, completely out of my, I was already out of element with a lot of stuff, but Coke was like, these are like bad guy, bad guys.

And I was like, and I never did it, by the way.

Never even tried it.

Me either.

Never had any, I still, to this day, I detest them.

I hear people that do it.

I go, why the fuck are you doing that?

The snorting something just felt very off-putting to me.

I didn't care for that.

And then also, all my anxiety that I had growing up and still now is all like, I associate with heart.

Like, I'm always afraid my heart's going to stop.

My heart's racing.

So the idea of doing Coke, I was like, my heart will explode.

I'll die here.

Yeah, that was always a very similar thing.

I actually just, I like, I had a couple of years where I couldn't exercise because I'm like, I'm going to have a heart attack.

I was like 26.

Well, it is an interesting thing.

I tried to do a bit about this.

It never worked, but I'm like, why?

Exercise is good for your heart, but like having like stress is bad for your heart, but they both cause your heart to race.

Yeah.

So shouldn't like having a panic attack be, this is why the bit never worked, by the way.

But like, shouldn't having a panic attack be good for you?

Like, stress is the worst thing for you, but what does stress do?

It raises your heart rate.

That's what exercise does.

I know that there's probably an explanation.

I'm not genuinely like

asking, but I don't know.

I mean, I thought I'd grind the podcast to a halt with this guy.

You've got nothing.

And I was like, why it doesn't alert?

Cocaine should be good for your heart.

It gives you the same thing as exercise.

Like running a marathon is good for your health.

So why isn't doing blow?

What's going on?

You know what?

It's funny because I saw just like two weeks ago, I saw a clip of Andrew Huberman being like, you need to spike your cortisol early in the morning as possible.

And it's like somehow good for you.

So I like just chugged a ton of coffee early in the morning and it was like, Yeah, it was definitely not the move.

No, I literally had a panic attack in my office.

So, I was like, This is not, I don't know what the fuck.

But apparently, I guess there's got to be something different with, like, you know what it probably is?

Like, your lungs getting kicked into the picture, right?

Right.

Versus just your nervous system fucking frying you while you sit in a chair.

Well, some of this Huberman thing, Huberman, however you say his name, I enjoy the guy, but we were at the green room at Mothership, and there's all these grip strength

reading thing.

And someone's like, Huberman says, like, grip strength is the number one, you know, teller of how long you're going to live.

Yeah.

Kurt Metzka's was like, triple mine.

I'm like, there's no way this fucking guy is living longer than me.

He's like smoking a pack of cigarettes and a joint at the same time.

I'm like, I feel like,

yeah, I don't know.

There's a lot of stuff hitting the internet that like does freak me out.

I've seen that one.

Yeah, that one I didn't like at all.

My grip strength is terrible.

Yeah, mine was like, I didn't want to say.

I almost got a fucking big

one.

Yeah, I was like 12.

Mine is devastating.

Yeah, I don't know.

I heard that too.

Like, if you can't hang from a bar for like three minutes, you're going to die.

Well, the other guy, Peter Attia, he's the other guy.

All these guys that are like age experts all are like 38 years old.

I'm like, I want a 115-year-old guy to do it.

But he said you should be able to carry your body weight for up to a minute.

So, like, I weigh 180, like, by your side with a kettlebell.

So I weigh like 180 pounds.

So I'm bad at math.

That's 90 pounds on each arm.

Yeah, yeah.

I should be able to walk for a minute.

But I can't even like attempt it because I'm scared my arm will fucking rip off.

Or your knees, really.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know about that.

There's a lot of stuff hitting the internet like that.

I saw one where it was like,

if you want to be able to walk up 10 flights of stairs when you're 70, here's they had these like lines and shit, and they're like, you need to be here now.

And it was just like, and it's like basically saying if you were like sedentary, like you're going to die.

Yeah, yeah.

I think we all look pretty good.

Yeah, I think we're moving around.

But

I feel like the problem is you can go so heavy into all that stuff where it's like, am I doing that?

Am I doing all this stuff right?

That probably fucks you up.

In 20 years, like, oh, if you actually think about this shit, you're going to die.

Yeah, absolutely.

Well, then Hooverman's also like, you got to look at the sun at 5.15 for eight minutes or your kid will be retarded.

I keep seeing a thing on my algorithm.

I have a child and it's like giving your kids sugar within the first

three years increases their odds.

I'm like, so I'm just fucked.

Like, I gave him ice cream already.

He's going to die.

And the TV.

Like, the TV fucks him.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I i feel like they'll be fine it'll be like they'll be definitely more autistic kids and i don't know but i mean i feel like everybody i know has sugar as a kid and watched tv as a kid and most people are fine you know what i mean like it's it'll be why is it a problem all of a sudden right now well it is it's probably bad they didn't realize how bad it was but yeah they'll be they're not gonna like die you know yeah they'll be okay they'll be fine he seems fine i don't worry i don't yeah i i i can get hyper obsessed with that shit though i have an aura ring i'll track my sleep i'll do all this stuff i apparently i don't get any deep sleep really i don't know what it is i check and i everything else is great.

And then my deep sleep is like 30 minutes a night.

Maybe it's fucked up.

That's what I say.

I told my wife it's her.

I'm like, you just move around probably and fuck my deep sleep up.

You ever try all of them at the same time?

Apple Watch, Whoop, Oring, and just

see if they all say the same thing.

I guess you do that.

I feel like a great test.

I like picturing you go to bed.

You have a

backup futures on your head.

You've got like suction cups on your chest.

Just a sleep apnea mask for no reason.

But yeah, you got to, I just, I don't know.

You get to a certain point.

You're like, no, I'm definitely dying.

So it's like, there's, I'm going to try to like just maintain the ship as much as I can.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, I feel like an older dad.

I'm like, I got to live as long as I can for this guy and stay healthy.

I want to be able to have a pass with him.

You know,

so I'm going to the gym after this.

Don't worry.

Yeah.

That's the big thing.

Once you have kids, you're really like, you guys fuck around a lot.

You guys are out drinking, carrying on.

Why do you guys have kids, man?

You go, man, I got to keep this thing afloat.

Yeah.

Well, just the queso queso for me.

I've been in Austin for four days.

I've eaten queso like 100% of the meals, including breakfast.

Yeah.

I'm a fat fuck.

I'm like, I can't shit.

My eyes.

What are you eating as breakfast queso?

I went to Magnolia Cafe, my favorite spot.

They got great pancakes, but they serve queso all day.

So I'm like, I'm here.

So I was eating chips and queso and pancakes.

So sick.

Yeah, I got, I...

I eat a lot of times.

I was just in Chicago, and I went to the taste of Chicago.

It's like a big food festival.

It was all fucking tacos.

I'm like, dude, that's all I eat.

I'm not.

It's kind of bullshit.

Somebody said that last night in Austin, tacos are like pizza in New York.

It's like a quick, cheap scrap it.

There's not a lot of great pizza here.

But pizza stays enjoyable longer.

I'm tired of tacos.

There was never, I never hit a point where I was tired of pizza.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Pizza, so here's the thing, though.

Like, if you go on the West Coast, I was telling people about Friday.

You have Friday pizza night growing up every Friday.

Absolutely.

My friend's out in the West Coast now, and he was like telling people out there about that.

And they're like, that's crazy.

They're like, that's so bad for you to eat pizza every Friday.

Oh, I eat pizza.

I mean, my diet is fucking wild.

Really?

I eat McDonald's like a couple times a week, chicken parm three, four times a week.

How's the Mickey D's sit with you?

I miss chicken parm.

Is it like diarrhea right away, or do you pass a healthy movement after Mickey D's?

No, I'm okay.

I think I'm used to it.

I used to do a joke in my act about this.

People were like, if you don't, someone said this to me, like, if you stop eating McDonald's for like six months and then you try having it again, your body will just reject it.

So I did it.

And I'm like, no, my body was like, you're back.

I took a perfect fucking double taping shit.

It was beautiful.

I love it.

But again, like, I hate to be like dad guy, but it's like sometimes the baby goes, dad, you're so exhausted that I'm like, just give me some fucking McDonald's.

Give me something.

And I live in a luxury building.

I mean, again, I don't want to be that first, but I'm doing okay.

And I get like, I'm embarrassed.

It's like a door guy with a suit, like, handing me my McDonald's bag.

And I feel like lawyers are walking by being like, who is this fucking idiot?

And I do it a lot.

It's embarrassing.

That's kind of, it's kind of alpha, dude, because I know Warren Buffett drinks Coca-Cola.

That's his big thing.

Trump smashes McDonald's.

He loves McDonald's.

Yeah, I think Jay Leno, too, is a big fast food.

Really?

I think he might still be.

Yeah, I haven't.

I swear to God, I haven't eaten McDonald's in maybe two decades.

Get yourself some McDonald's.

It's fine.

I would throw up.

I would for real throw up.

I can't eat it.

Terrible McDonald's.

Was it the last time we went to

McDonald's?

I got a double quarter-pounder of McChicken and a McDouble

and fries.

Like, I just

how how to sit with you?

I took a, I took a probiotic right after.

They're like,

he's like, I looked at the sun for a half hour and it went down perfect.

He took a probiotic.

I was like, this might balance the gut, the gut shit.

And now I just shit a lot in the morning.

I drink a smoothie all the time.

So, like, I woke up crushing smoothie.

That's how I feel.

Yeah, I call them health posters.

I do either green juices or smoothies.

You do yin and yang.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm exactly the same.

And I feel like it kind of works.

I think so.

I went to Juice Land this morning.

I was like, I had queso four times yesterday.

I got to have juice land.

And I took a massive shot.

I call it my morning python.

Just every morning, just a big fucking anaconda.

It's just a log, log.

Yeah.

So I think we're all right.

Yeah.

How heavy will you get?

If you can you go, will you get fat?

This is the heaviest I've been, but I'm also, I'm working out more than I've ever worked out, and I'm also eating more than I've worked out.

Nice.

So I'm like 183 or something.

I got, you know, dad stomach, but I look, I look okay.

I've been broken.

Yeah.

And you get the muscles from carrying the kid all the time.

He's wants to be carried all the time and he won't go to this side.

Maybe he's autistic.

He hates this side.

So it's all right arm.

But yeah, this is the biggest I've ever been.

But I'm very long.

I'm a fucking

dude.

I just read a stat.

They said 90%

of Autistic Adults are undiagnosed.

That makes sense.

They weren't checking for it.

They weren't checking for it.

So there's apparently there's a, like, a, you know, it's like endemic in adults.

There's like a lot of people who should have been that now would have been like screened for like on the autism spectrum.

But I have a big autism thing because I just think we say it too much.

Because I have a close friend whose brother is like severely autistic.

Like what we think of, like, and he, you know, he has like an iPod or AirPods in all the time because he needs music.

And if you say what day you were born, he could tell you the date, like your date of your your birthday.

He knows what day.

And also, he has to be like attended.

Like, he's, you know, he's got severe autism.

And then people are like,

well, say to me, like, I'm like, oh, that music is driving me crazy.

Like, I don't even hear music.

You might be autistic.

And I'm like, I don't.

Well, I don't identify as autistic.

Like, yeah, they spread the net pretty far now.

Yeah.

You're like, ADHD is like autism.

They say if you have that, you're also autistic now.

Really?

Yeah.

Sweet.

My wife's autistic.

yeah that's what i've been trying to get this me too well ocd also

is so similar like i have ocd but so like

there's a lot of similarities if you read autism thing i'm like oh i have that that and that but

yeah i'm not autistic what's the ocd how's that flare up like i

i mean i have like weird first of all i'm like i blink all the time like i do like these blinks and my arm would be flexing all the time my left arm and i'll see like uh um something that i feel like i need to step on or I'll do a weird foot things I need to step on stuff.

And then I also drink the same cup of tea from Starbucks every day.

I don't get it.

I sleep very quickly, turn it off.

Okay.

Straws are going to stab you in the eye.

There's a whole bunch of handful of stuff.

So it's kind of under the radar, though.

I wouldn't know.

Yeah, yeah.

My wife does a joke about it.

She's like, he doesn't have the OCD where he cleans.

I'm like, people think I'm like hand-washing.

I'm like, I'll take a piss and get off the subway and go eat a sandwich.

But you're just stepping on it and not stepping on the cracks.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I can get in.

I can get in and not step it on the cracks.

I'll still do that every now and again.

It's just fun to be like, let me time my steps perfectly so I don't hit these cracks.

Yeah, it's fun.

But I give up after a while.

But yeah, so you got

a problem.

But then people now, people are like,

they use it.

It's like a virtue to have.

I'm like embarrassed.

Yeah.

I'm like trying my hardest not to blink weird because the YouTube comments.

I'll be like, I can't keep my eyes open.

It's crazy.

I'm like humiliated by it.

Yeah, it did become cool to have like autism now.

It's either like you got to have something.

If you're like 24 and you're like, no, I'm good.

They're like, that sucks.

Yeah, yeah, no.

Yeah, you got to be kind of like gay or something.

Cutting is big.

Cutting.

Gay, cutting.

Gay, cutting.

No, no, I'm saying, or

minority.

Yeah.

A double minority.

Gay, black man.

Maybe I'll become a bad guy.

You're not gay.

You're the least gay person I know.

I know, but it's too late.

I'll just be gay.

I was laughing today about, like, especially with the podcast and like ads and all that stuff.

There's definitely,

I would like to think that there are some sort of like boardroom in these startups or like Spotify where they're like checking almost like a

stock trading floor.

They're reading comments.

Like a lot of people saying the co-host of this podcast is gay.

We got to call the magnesium powder people.

Shit, they're calling him gay.

They're calling him a gay schizophrenic loser.

So, how did you end up gay?

They said I was being gay.

We went to LA for a week when Shea was doing the SEAS.

Yeah, they said LA.

I was just gay in LA.

I wasn't, but.

What was you accusing of being gay in L.A.

for?

I did.

I mean, I said I was...

You wore cool clothes.

That's what it was.

Well, I wore one shirt.

It's not even that cool.

But

what it really was, is

I've been for real for a kind of homophobe my whole life.

Seems like I saw my kid not kissing girls and stuff.

And then I, you know, grew out of it.

But I still had that thing where I couldn't joke gay that much.

And, you know, hanging out with y'all, eventually y'all broke it down.

And then I got, I started trying to have fun gay jokes with y'all.

And then the second I did it, it was like, yo, what the hell?

And then I couldn't say anything without being sus.

And then LeMaire's nasty ass made sure he brought it up on the podcast.

He knew what he was doing.

Yeah, he did.

He got mad at me all when we were doing panties once because he was like uh that's the name of our podcast so it does but he uh he not boxer briefs

but uh

true also says because because uh when we were talking i brought up him having sex with those with the with the trans he was like for real mad at that he was like you tried to i was like what oh well he he yeah and to be fair i'm still ryan for lemai on this dude oh i'm on the side too it's hilarious it's hilarious he lost his virginity to a woman who then became a guy right after.

Oh, okay.

Then she was like one week in the T.

She was, I saw a picture of her.

She was hot.

He, I guess, now was hot as that.

On paper, it sounds funny.

So I lost some virginity to technically a guy.

He lost now.

Yeah.

He lost his virginity to a guy.

Right.

So he's that's that's kind of the wrinkle.

He spazzed on me on panties.

He was like, You were trying to be nasty to me because you brought that up.

And I was like, I was being nasty after what you did to me.

It was, it was, it was awful.

Yeah, you'll now be ever.

Your descendants are going to be like, oh shit, he was gay.

He used to be gay.

He used to be zesty.

All they'll know is they'll do an AI summary like, your grandfather never kissed girls.

Personal policy, he never kissed girls ever since he was a child.

And then was supposed to be gay.

Yeah, the internet legacy will be crazy.

Yeah, it's kind of fun to.

Ancestry.com would be so cool.

Seeing all your embarrassing fucking Facebook posts.

It's going to be digital.

for sure.

It's going to also have your digital history.

Yeah, it'll be like a, yeah, you'd sit down and get like a full download, probably, like a curated thing of like, this is what your father was up to.

Oh, it's insane to think about.

Yeah, all the podcasts.

Podcasts.

Web history.

Don't forget about web history.

Web history is the one.

That'll be out there.

Like, it's just everything you've ever jerked off to is going to your kids.

Not your kids, your kids' kids will go beyond.

It'll be in your kids' like Neuralink thing, and they can get like a super fast flash, like the speed of their synapses where you can just be like,

wow.

Yeah, be fucked up.

But by then, they'll be in the weirder shit, probably.

Oh, yeah.

Because

we keep getting weirder and weirder.

I think porn's about to grind to a halt.

I'm not just saying that because I've personally conquered my demons.

I think it's good.

I don't know, man.

I think it's going to be on like all kids are going to be, it'll be like your kid.

Well, now it'll be like, you'll see if your kid's looking at smut because you'll have your phones linked, kind of.

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I plan on, well, I have daughters.

I'm not worried about it, but like,

I still might put the smut checker on there.

That app you're talking about, where it's like the dad's.

Oh, you ever heard Covenant Eyes?

There's an app called Covenant Eyes where you and your son can link your phone so that, like, if anything, you know, porn-related comes up, it'll trigger like your dad would get a notification.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Does he get the same notification when you look at porn?

I think so.

I think that's the Covenant.

I think you added a lot of the pictures.

I think there's a politician who's used Covenant Eyes with his son.

Wow.

It sounds, it does sound like the opposite of father-son duos who get hookers together.

Wow.

You're trying to land in between the two.

Somewhere right in the middle.

I'm going to do neither of those two.

I don't know, but I feel like you'll have it.

Like before you, we were like, I don't think kids will have free-range

open porn.

I think it's going to be, parents are going to put a kibosh in that.

I for real hope not.

That shit was kind of for real terrible for us.

Yeah, it's not good.

I started, I looked at like Red Tube when I had to be 12 or 13.

Yeah, I never had any porn.

I was all Sears catalog and stuff.

We had magazines later.

I did Sears catalog, and then I came in and college was like when I could start downloading it, and then it was just open on the internet my whole adult life, but not as a child.

That would fuck you up.

Sean, what did you discover?

You were right.

Mike Johnson, the Speaker of the House of Representatives,

publicly talks about his use of COVID and eyes with his 17-year-old son.

Nice.

Yes.

Now, will they continue it once he's 18?

Will he keep the tradition alive, or will he legally, as an adult, be like, father?

I'm recommending we shut down our covenant.

I'm not sure.

I think it's a good idea.

I think

I've been anti-porn for a while.

I would get a burger phone if I had covenant eyes with my dad.

I would just have a second cell phone.

I couldn't live like that.

I thought you said burger phone, like those old phones like a special cheeseburger.

And I was like, yeah, those things are awesome.

These calls 1-900 numbers.

I mean, it is weird because

it's hard to not look at porn.

It's like almost unthinkable.

because I've tried to stop it, and it took me three years to finally be like, I don't need to look at it.

Yeah, and Instagram don't make it.

Everything makes it hard.

Yeah, literally, look at that.

Yeah, I try not to look.

My Instagram, for real, is just like steroid guys screaming at me.

I don't get a lot of babes.

It's just steroid guys fighting and arguing with each other.

No, mine's like movies, photography, and baseball.

Like, people go to their search thing, and it's I'm like actually embarrassed by mine.

Yeah, it's just like

Robin Young hit 3,000 hits on that, whatever.

I'm like, oh.

there's times where mine's is a hundred percent women and it's the most embarrassing thing what's that's for the nature of your guys you guys do research for your podcast true that has been making it worse i still don't know how you pull they do a babe of the week every week and they have to like explain why she's the babe of the week and

sometimes it's funny and at other times we take it too seriously you just pick hot ladies and go she's the hottest yeah but how what does your babe say about the babe of the week you tell her like obviously you're a babe you're a babe

you're the babe of my lifetime

babe of of the lifetime.

Has she ever even, like, brought it up begrudgingly?

Because I feel like I would get pressed in my house for that.

And like, if you have, you know, I don't want to sew this one.

No, she, she doesn't.

Like, she really doesn't.

She never, anything that's kind of comedy related, she never,

unless I was, like, start talking about like her too personal, like, shit, so her privacy.

She don't.

I mean, she knows, she knows me.

We'll be watching something.

She watches Real Housewives, and I go, like, whose titties are those?

Like, that's kind of how we exist

in our thing.

My wife has a rule.

Like, you don't listen to your partner's podcast.

She's like, it's like reading a diary.

Yeah.

That feels like the right thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've swayed my wife away from it.

I was like, just please don't watch it.

And my mom.

My wife and my mom.

I say, please don't watch my podcast ever.

I would bet my girl listens every time she knows I'm on something.

I think about that too.

You're talking about like your son getting older or your daughters, whatever, listening, seeing your history.

I think that must be hard to date because you meet someone, they can immediately just go and listen to everything you've ever said.

That would be scary to me being single and meeting a girl, and I'm like my charming self.

And then she can put on a podcast of like, would you eat your own dad's cup for fucking 100 bucks?

And she's like, oh, this guy's a piece of shit.

Yeah.

What I think, though, is if your podcast is doing well, they'll be like, great.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Once you get, you know.

Once you sell one boner pill, they're like, yep, it's good.

I don't care what the fuck this guy talks about.

And there really is something out there for everyone.

There's like, you know, there's popular podcasts that go pretty wild.

And it's like, like, Holocaust denials become a big thing.

That's a big podcast.

That was like, it was a move, man.

There was like the last year I've seen who Dan Bilzerian fucking hit the gas pedal on that.

He just out of nowhere was just like,

I think I'm correct.

I don't know if I'm wrong, but I think he

pushed the pedal on that.

That's like a light speed podcasting technique.

You'd just be like, you know what, man, I'm just going to go into Holocaust.

Just make a million.

I'm sure there's like girls out there that are like, Yeah, I'll just date this guy, and you know, whatever.

Wish him peace and you know, whatever, but

live, laugh, love.

But the uh, yeah, no, I feel like there's someone out there for everything, so yeah, I guess so.

Also, there's no way, I don't know, because I feel like I've talked about stuff before that's just like

I don't know, it's just not like you wouldn't bring it up at a dinner table.

But if it works, I think people are like, oh, this is great, right?

Laugh.

Well, I have this dude, like my wife, one time I was performing in Austin, Like, her brothers live here, and her sister invited her mother to the show.

And I had to step in and be like, you cannot have your mother come to my show.

And her mother's like a British intellectual, elderly woman.

Oh, no.

And I'm like talking about eating her asshole and stuff.

I'm like, this is outrageous.

Like, I've never, I wouldn't say shit in front of her.

Yeah.

Like, literally the word shit.

Did she come?

No, no.

I was like, I'm sorry.

And it was awkward because she's like, I guess I can't see your comedy.

And I want to be like, you can watch it on YouTube by yourself.

Yeah.

Which is still horrifying.

Dude, I don't even know you're there.

Like, that's yeah, yeah, I've had to just completely be like, Yeah, just I'm gonna do it.

If you because my wife will invite, like, her, he invited her grandfather one time, and I just was like constantly talking about my wife jerking me off, among other things.

And he just sat through the whole thing because I remember being like, Well, fuck, I'm just gonna do my thing, and you'll see how he feels.

And uh, he was pretty supportive, he was like, That was hilarious.

Oh, that's good.

That's I, what I found is people are surprised, surprisingly, kind of like because my like parents came a couple of times, and I thought they'd be kind of like,

What the fuck?

But my mom just laughed.

She's just like, You're gross.

Yeah, my parents come, but my mother-in-law also went and saw Nate Bargatzi, and she was like, That was terrible.

He was misogynistic.

You should not talk about your wife like that.

And I was like, Oh my god.

Oh, she saw Nate and was like, This guy hates women.

I was like, Yo, Jesus Christ.

That's interesting.

If I heard that, it'd be like, Oh, wow, yeah.

Yeah.

Although, it's, I don't know, man.

I think you just got to let her taste the power.

You should just

a good name for a special.

Taste the power.

I feel like, yeah, because I, yeah, because I remember when I recorded my first special, my wife is like, your parents are going to be there, but I won't tell you which show.

So then I was like, oh, cool.

But then every show, I was like, are they here at this one?

And I was like, so then I had to be like, just tell me when they're coming.

I'm just going to let it rip.

See, my parents are very, it's a very like liberal language.

Like, I don't feel self-conscious around them because we swear and all that.

I was talking about specifically like my dad getting pussy and stuff.

So, yeah.

So that was kind of tough.

Or I was talking about his lack.

I always imagined a huge lack of right.

But then I was actually in the first encouraging my mom to

maybe pony up a little bit, help the old man out.

So, you know, but they just were like, whatever.

They kind of laughed through it.

Yeah, I had a joke about how my mother wanted to fuck Patrick Sway.

I watched,

what's the movie, you know, Dirty Dancing, when I was a kid, and my mother was like,

that Patrick Swayed shit, which is true.

And so I had a whole bit about it.

And then when I did it live and they were there, I just wouldn't do that bit.

But then they eventually watched my my special and it's there.

Uh, did they say something about it?

No, she never mentioned anything, but

it's true.

I mean, she's a she's she's a fucking she wants Patrick Swayze.

She can't, I'd hold it back.

She'll still do it.

She's like, Patrick Swayze, my god.

Oh,

and it's like so insane.

I'm like, why do you want to get like plowed by Patrick Swayze?

He's sad.

So now it's even more.

Yeah, yeah.

Women are so much hornier for dead guys than they are later guys.

He's a good-looking man.

He was.

He could dance his fucking ass off.

And I always felt bad because I'm like, my dad doesn't look anything like Patrick Sway.

He must just be like, this sucks.

Turn this fucking movie up.

Yeah, that's one of the moves they'll do to you.

They'll be like, he's handsome.

And you're like, this guy looks nothing like me.

Why would you do that?

I had a girlfriend, my previous girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, whatever you say.

And

we were at a hang with some buddies.

And someone was like, what's your type?

And she was like, I like a rugged outdoor guy, long hair, beard.

Like, she just described

just completely not me.

And I was like, this is crazy.

Did you bring it up or just let it go?

I joked about it after, and like, she laughed and everything.

Cause I was like, she liked me because I was like the funny, self-deprecating guy.

So I was like, that was great.

And she would laugh.

But you're also at the same time, you're like, well, that sucks.

What the fuck?

I guess I'm just not.

I'm so curious.

I kind of want you to hold frame on your mother-in-law.

Are you familiar with frame and all that stuff?

No.

Dude, there's a whole, this is why my algorithms are steroid guys yelling, but there's a bunch of guys on the internet who are obsessed with, there's an idea called frame.

It always makes me laugh, but it's like you dictate the pace of everything.

so you go to the house you like basically you know it's just like everything's up you always drive if your wife drives she's definitely probably gonna cheat on you according to these guys oh right my wife drives all the time and i found that out i was like fuck yeah but yeah frame you have to like you can't let someone influence if someone's influencing your actions at all you've lost frame according to these guys well these guys don't sound great

the world doesn't sustain dude it even gets to the point where it's called the blue line or green line so there's like a test where they analyze your photos and if you're even leaning in towards your wife at all, she's dominating you, which is, I think that's hilarious.

Oh, wow.

So it goes that deep.

But like, yeah, if anyone else is influencing your decisions, you've lost frame.

Oh, I got to check out this frame business.

Yeah, you got to get your frame back.

Your mother-in-law holds frame right now.

You've got to snatch the frame.

So next time.

Oh, but don't you think I let the frame?

I'm like, you can't come to the show.

That's frame.

Okay, that's frame.

Get out of here.

That's frame.

And she had tickets to my show.

I didn't let her go.

And you got the money from her.

That actually is kind of frame.

Exactly.

My bad.

That's framed

you freaking the hell out of her

fair point i didn't think about that

you should invite her to another one and then cancel a last marriage

if you did that i'd be like definitely friend you got framed for sure i think my wife does the leaning she always does like a thing she leans in yeah yeah i'm upright sucks for her

i remember watching the thing about handshakes in politics like you always want to be the person on the outside and then like turning the hand over like this oh really yeah that's why people will do that they'll turn the upper hand is like big you're like a bitch.

Oh, shit.

I know that.

And then I've heard that politicians will argue on who's on what side of the photo.

Because when you're like that, you're kind of like turning your arm like

or whatever.

Oh, yeah,

you want to be this guy.

You want to be this guy.

Yeah.

Well, that's probably where

the forearm grab brothershake comes from.

Yeah, yeah.

I would just do those.

Because that would suck.

I didn't even think about that.

You got to take the lesser.

Yeah, it's very emasculating to be like.

Yeah.

Okay.

It is.

I will say, I'd imagine it is kind of a bleak existence, though, to be constantly mapping out these moves.

And, you know, or it becomes just how you, like, just how you move through the world.

Like, nope.

But then you'd have to, like, you'd be, I can't imagine myself in a social setting where I'm like taking a first of all, a handshake picture is crazy to be like, all right, hold on, get this while we're shaking.

But then, like, being in that situation and somehow gracefully like whipping the other human to the side that I want them, I just lack that flipping your hand.

And then I just lack that.

Yeah.

You're just like doing this.

Spinning around trying to i was just at a family party this weekend and my mother-in-law i like took my coat off and i was just holding it and standing there by myself and i genuinely didn't know where to put it and i just stood there like that until my mother-in-law was like matt come here i walked over to like here give me the coat i saw you over there struggling i was like fuck

i just stood i just completely just fritzed out and just stood there with the coach going

Until she was like, I saw that.

And I was like, oh, that doesn't make me feel any better, but here you go.

Thank you.

That seems like acting like a good house guest, though.

Like, you're just not throwing it on the couch.

That'll feel like

I would have came.

Yeah, I would have figured out a place, but I was taking a little long.

As you notice, I guess I was kind of awkward.

Also, I was, and I'm getting better at it.

I was at the only white guy at the party.

Yeah.

I'm getting better at this, man.

I swear to God, it's a skill.

It's like a weird thing to be like, I don't know.

Wow.

The worst nightmare.

It is.

I'm just kidding.

Well, to be fair, I'm not great in any social setting, but yeah, once you throw, once you're like a complete radical minority

around it i mean that's a great special by the way

you're just throwing them out there if i again if i was like only if i was last samurai action i'd be fine with i'd be cool with that but like black people are like they're tourists are kind of cool so it's like i've learned what i here's my approach what i've learned you gotta

as like i'm pretty slubby in terms of dress code yeah but you do out of respect got to get a little a tiny bit fly just a little bit fly like just match something somewhat just out of respect for the house that's hilarious you do have to to.

I've been getting just a time.

You don't want to go full black.

That's almost like now you're a contender.

If I get two fly, now it's like.

But if you get a little fly, I feel like you're right away.

Everybody's like, I like Matt.

You have to get a tiny bit of fly.

Do you still wear the hookahs or do you switch out to like a makeup?

I had the hookahs, but I had their brightly colored hokas.

And that morning, my wife bought me a fleece, which is in the flyest, but the blue did match a blue in my shoe.

And I was like, I'm ready for the party.

But in my experience, being around black people, being the most genuine self you can be, I feel like.

Exactly.

true.

Yeah, this is true.

I feel like if you try to,

I posted a photo one time with New Balance sneakers and Nike socks, and that's a no-no, evidently.

I didn't know that, but I think it's like charming that I'm like, whoops.

I agree.

Because if you try to be like, what's up, homie?

And a lot of people do that.

Especially starting off stand-up, you go to like a black room and a white guy just talks different out of the way.

Like, talking to me for two years.

To my credit, I would go to black rooms and talk Pokemon.

I had no idea a lot of black people watched anime, and I'm like, man, this Pokemon shit is fucking crushing.

This is awesome.

But yeah, that is funny watching people be like, oh man, I don't even fucking know.

And you're like, dude, why are you doing that?

No, I felt when I first moved to New York, I got in with this guy, Imagine.

I don't know if you've ever met that comic.

I think he's Puerto Rican, but he had all these like urban rooms.

Imagine?

Imagine, yeah.

That's great.

And he had all these urban rooms.

I was doing all these urban shows.

And I would like crush because I was like, I don't have sex.

It's crazy.

Like, oh, my God.

And then I would see white guys be like, what what's up

or whatever

what are you doing i just got out of jail

i do feel bad for the white guys though who like grew up around black people and they want to do comedy if you're not it's only what you can only be what gary owens true

gary owens is brought up to me he's like is your comedy like gary owens and i i didn't know how to navigate it i was like Not particularly, no.

So what do you do?

I was like, it's different.

Like, how is it different?

I didn't, I was trying to think of like,

I don't just talk about black stuff, though.

I don't know.

I didn't know how to say say that to the person.

I was like,

is it like that?

I was like, sort of.

I was like, I heard he's actually a really cool.

I actually did hear he's a really nice guy.

But I had to be like, yeah, not really.

But how's it different?

I can't really say.

I was like, you'd have to think about it for a while.

So your wife's whole family, it's not that black.

It's not that black.

That's what I was trying to say.

I was like, it's not as black as it is.

He's way blacker than I am.

I'm about a tenth as black as Gary.

That's what I should have said.

Less, it's less black.

More white boy crazy.

But yeah, I'm getting better.

Dude, I'm telling you, man, I think that was like my best one yet.

That's been my best black party I've been to.

Killed it.

I did botch.

They asked me if I had a player face, and I was just like, I don't know.

I don't remember what I said.

I was just like,

I don't know.

I actually was married previously.

You know, I've been divorced before, but maybe between the two.

Oh, botched.

Botched it, dude.

Imagine saying that to a guy in an all-red sweatsuit.

Well, I got married when I was 25.

Let's see.

And

that didn't go well.

I could have been like, I didn't want to talk.

There could have been so many other things.

Of course, I had to play a face.

Yeah, it's true.

I know.

I know.

I know, dude.

That's why, again, you're going to think, you know, you think about the balls you drop, obviously, all night.

Oh, man.

I should have been like, I fucking cheat on my wife all the time.

No, it was great.

It was a great party for real.

I had a blast.

But yeah, it is a man.

That is something, man.

I always, you know, that's a wild thing.

It's crazy.

I always say it to black people, it's crazy to be like physically outnumbered by people who don't look like you.

When they flip the script on you, you go, this does kind of change your thinking a little bit.

You go, this isn't the best.

Let's reverse this back.

It's freaky Fridays over, dude.

Let's give me that in the dominant position here.

No, I had that one time years ago.

I opened for,

I don't want to say his name.

I get nervous.

But a black comic who

was famous.

And we were hanging out.

I thought we were friends.

And this person has some sort of disorder.

And we were hanging out.

It was like all of his crew.

And I was like, this is great.

Look at me.

And we were watching the basketball game.

And it came down to like the last play.

And I was like, any predictions?

What do you think is going to happen here?

And this person snapped and was like, I don't predict.

I let what B be.

And then he got up and started ranting about slavery and stuff.

He was drunk.

And I was like, well, this is a bad situation.

It It was me and like 14 guys, and I was the only white guy.

And he was like, This is what the white people have been doing.

And then there was a guy, I was like, Should I get out of here?

He's like, Oh, no, he does this.

Yeah, yeah.

And it was quite terrifying, I have to say.

Did you tell him that England ended slavery?

I would have gone into that.

Yeah, just

pardon me.

Actually, here's the thing:

but it was, yeah, I remember I was kind of looking around, like, oh, this is if he gets these other folks on

board,

yeah.

I don't have any, you know,

but it was fine.

That is uncomfortable, though.

I, yeah, I've been in that situation where, like,

you know, horror of the past kind of rear the drug of the head of conversation.

That becomes the dialogue, and you're like, ah!

Yeah, it's crazy.

Yeah, it's crazy.

It wasn't a global institution, but it's fucking crazy.

It was practiced all throughout the beginning of the time.

But yeah, it's fucking crazy.

What I think happens with white people, that happens way more with black people, is y'all will end up in a situation like that around like regular, like black people that would feel that, like act like that.

But black people are never around white people that if they all get fired up, it's uncomfortable.

Like, I'm not around a bunch of rednecks.

Like, if they all started going, like, see, that's the problem.

Like, but I'm never, I'm just around like y'all.

Right, right.

That's a great point.

But uh,

because I was sitting there like in my head, I'm like, nobody's going to do nothing to you.

But I can see it being like, oh, shit, I might have fucked up.

Yeah.

I mean, and in that situation, I wasn't like, I'm going to die, but it felt like, oh, am I like bummy?

like, should I?

That's like, trust me.

And I can see myself getting it if I was hanging with rednecks, just like straight up country, just

because I don't know.

I don't know that.

That's what it felt.

It felt more like, I'll let you guys go.

You guys have your thing.

I felt like that at Black Church before.

I'm like, am I like, hopefully, I'm not like dampening this.

I want this guy to be able to do his thing and not worry about me.

I'm cool.

You can't do the backflips.

He wants to do the worm, but he's like,

you can feel kind of like a a wet blanket on the situation.

Well, damn it, dude.

I think we got it, man.

I think we covered a lot.

I think we did.

We covered a lot of ground.

I appreciate it.

Well, I had a breakfast with green tea and a smoothie, so I'm about to piss my pimps.

Please, you first.

I'm about to explode.

How about you, Nate?

Oh, no, I'm actually kind of cool.

I didn't have my coffee.

It bumped me up.

I'm really having a tough time.

I'm not having coffee.

Well, is there

anything you want to

do?

Can I plug my special?

Yeah, I got a special called Small Ball.

I have four specials on YouTube.

The latest one's called Smallball.

I meant to ask you about that, by the way, dude.

Maybe the most prolific dude ever.

Oh, thanks.

I appreciate that.

Spread the word, for God's sake.

You what?

I said, spread the word, for God's sake.

Tell somebody.

Yeah, so there are a bunch on there.

I hate myself, Enough for Everybody, This Year's Material, and Small Ball.

They're all up there.

And they each go down in order of views.

That's right.

10 million, 2 million.

No, no, that's bad.

1,800,000.

No, but, dude, the prolificness.

Every time, I opened up the other day.

I went, what the fuck?

Oh, thanks, man.

Son of a bitch.

I'm trying.

So I got to stop him.

No, that's amazing, dude.

Thanks, man.

I appreciate it.

Thanks for having me.

This is

a quick plug.

Please.

Optimum Noctis.

LeMaire might be back for that one.

Me, Sean, LeMaire, all back again.

September 16th.

So next Tuesday, please, please come.

Oh, and October 23rd, Helium.

Hillium and Lena, please.

Thank you.

Please come.

Nice.

Please, yeah.

Go, please.

P, I'm going to.

Fuck, my head's about to explode.

My head's about to explode.

Trip planner by Expedia.

You were made to outdo your holiday,

your hammocking,

and your pooling.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia made to travel.