Ep 577 - Bags On You (feat. Adam Eget)

Wow!

Wow, wow, Wes.

We can start on that.

That was hilarious.

Yeah.

The show, dude.

Also, that one girl who just caught astray in the middle of that, where they're like, it turns out it was the mom who was texting the girl the entire time and bullying her.

But then they were like, that one girl was always a bitch.

We thought it was her.

Then they just interviewed this other high school girl and they're like, so you were a cunt, right?

And she was like, I guess.

I guess I was mean.

A little bit.

Yeah, it was probably that bitch, Courtney.

Oh,

yeah.

Nobody came out of that unscathed.

That was pretty fucking.

Did anything happen to the kids?

Did they end up doing anything funny?

Yeah, the daughter.

It was real sad to see the daughter like that.

Like, they have the body camel when the cops go to the house and be like,

We've traced the number.

It's coming from your mom.

Oh, it's really fucking sad.

Heartbreaking.

Yeah, devastating.

Yeah.

Did they hit her with a Joe?

Like, Joe Hoob?

Like, Joe, Mama Hoob.

It was Joe.

Missed opportunity big time.

Yo, mama.

That'd be frying.

I was just home.

That's my niece's number one joke.

My niece with Down syndrome.

That's literally.

Who's there?

Joe.

You go, Joe Hu.

She goes, Do mamma.

But she switched it up.

Now she knows her best joke is, not knock.

You go, who's there?

She goes, Joe.

Joe who?

She goes, Joe Biden.

Joe Biden.

Joe Biden.

Joe Biden's a nice job.

That's a nice twist.

Joe Biden.

Come on, man.

It's a a modern twist on an old classic.

That's fucking great.

She's...

Joe Biden is such a good.

I don't see it coming.

And then she claps because everyone laughs.

She's like, oh, dude, that kid's fucking awesome.

She's adorable.

Yeah, that's great.

That's great.

Yeah.

I got to go home and spend time with those animals this week.

It was nice.

Got to see little kids football.

I didn't know they played that young.

It was

hilarious.

Like fucking six years old, five and six.

People pancaking them?

No one cares about concussions.

Oh, my God.

These kids are getting fucking leveled, dude.

They don't know how to hit.

So they sprint into each other and no one has balance.

So it's just hit stick after hit stick.

But they break runs, dude.

I bet.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, there's like three kids that can run.

They get the ball, they're gone.

That's awesome.

They weren't keeping score, though.

I was a little pissed.

You should have scored.

You should score.

I kept the score.

The Shamrocks won.

Shamrocks being CV Eagles.

Yeah, I wish I was gaming.

I didn't know they played.

I thought it was all flag until flag.

So did I

suit him up?

Are you doing weigh-ins or what?

Wait, how?

Also, there's no fucking lay-ins anymore.

I saw a kid, a unit on like a fucking.

This kid must have been 200 pounds.

It's like, not until there was the next kids up, the next team, like ponies or pee-wee's were warming up, and there's no weight limit now.

They just have to play on the interior offensive line.

Gotcha.

The interior line is like for real.

What?

A kid that was like six feet, 250.

He was in like seven.

Wait, how old are these kids?

He was huge.

That's crazy.

Yeah, he was just a very, very obese kid.

He was fucking bringing it.

I'm glad they're getting their shine.

That's kind of nice.

Yeah, it is pretty great.

Like the greatest kindergartner,

right tackle or right guard there ever was.

They said he threatened to shoot a kid.

What?

Yeah, he had never played sports.

They just got him off the couch.

And the first person that hit him, he was like, I'm going to put two in your head.

Second grader?

Yeah.

He's pulled him off the cod, though.

If you pull a kid off the cod, it's going to lash out.

That's literally exactly what they said.

They're like, dude, this isn't called dude.

Oh,

I'm going to fucking shoot you in the head.

So I got that going on.

Yeah, that's a lot of stress.

What was a flat?

Did you get a flag, personal foul, for death threats?

No, that was a practice.

That was against his own teammate, yeah.

One of his coaches told me.

He's going to channel that to the other teams.

It's time for him to start wailing on you.

I don't mind having a little Jalen Carter on your squad.

You know what I mean?

Somebody who's willing to die.

First play of the game, spit on the quarterback.

That's great.

Nice.

That was crazy.

You liked it?

I saw Dak spit first.

Wasn't there a reason for that?

Yeah, I think.

Dak did spit at him first, which we didn't know.

Yeah.

During the year, like, that's the craziest thing I've ever seen.

Yeah,

he got kicked out of the game, right?

Before the first snap, yeah.

Before the first play, he walked into the Cowboys' huddle and spit on the quarterback.

Yeah, but I saw him.

I saw, all right.

You're out.

Yeah, you can't do that.

You were fired up.

I was furious.

Did he go for his face or like where he was going to spit right on his chest?

But Dak spit towards him.

Dak spit from a distance towards him.

Cowboy.

Which is a good move if you're going to fire someone up.

Yeah.

I think it's easy to get.

Nick's on the sideline, okay, I like it.

I think Jalen, though, that's a guy you got to target.

Yeah.

If you're an opposing quarterback, you can get him kicked out of the game.

You can get him fucked out of the game.

If he stays in the game, you're in trouble.

Yeah.

That's why you felt

so far in the draft.

You guys always fucking, everybody falls right in your fucking lap.

It's unbelievable.

You guys had a good draft.

Yeah, but.

The G-Men.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We always seem to have a good draft.

It just doesn't pay out.

You guys lost again again this weekend, right?

Uh-huh.

Dude, I.

And the Dodgers are on the bridge.

They're to get swept, huh?

A lot of tough losses this month.

I'm with you.

It's all right.

I know this is all.

We're talking sports.

Yeah, yeah.

Notre Dame going 0-2.

I know.

I'm a curse.

I'm a curse on whatever team I love.

Really?

Never mind.

The Eagles won the Buffalo Buffalo.

Phillies look pretty fucking good.

Phillies are good, but Notre Dame, 0-2.

They're two.

They're They're losses you can take, though.

They're going to go 10-2.

I'm channeling what you did last year.

What if they just, you know, this galvanizes the team and they come back and win?

I was like, Matt, you're being a girl right now.

You're too emotional.

I checked back in like 13 weeks later.

He's like, they've won literally every single game.

I'm like, oh, well, that's funny.

Every single game since you said that.

You just pulled off a huge upset against Penn State.

Well, now we're talking North Texas.

Now we're talking about North Texas College Football Dynasty.

You only watch so many L's where you take the ball into your your own hands.

I had to with the quarterback.

I had to do it.

I still can't believe I bet on Penn State today.

That was a good game.

That was exciting.

I walked in.

I rode my bike five and a half miles, charge it up, and then I walk in and hit you playing North Texas, game-winning.

Screaming Eagles.

It was incredible.

The meeting greens.

It's the meeting green.

Yeah, I mean, they look good.

Taking North Texas to the Promised Land on Heisman.

Good luck.

True.

Not many can do it.

You're on Heisman right there?

Obviously, I'm on Heisman.

And

you're cutting through the defense like that?

That's what I do.

A lot of guys have hobbies and

families.

Playing the computer on hard is crazy.

I'm just playing with North Texas, focused on recruiting.

A lot of guys have a fulfilling life.

I'm just trying to take the mean green.

We got Clemson in the Rose Bowl as soon as this podcast is over.

I'm just proud of my guys no matter what.

That's true.

I don't think it's looking good Clemson on Heisman in the Rose Bowl, but

I mean, dude, after the way this team came together.

Yeah, it was pretty impressive to see.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

I was hyped.

The coaching offers, I thought, were kind of a slap in the face.

Coaching offers were a slap in the face.

I took the Mean Green to the

whatever.

The Rose Bowl.

Fucking started.

I got a fucking Purdue head coach.

Oh, fuck.

Wasn't it like New Mexico, too?

I am the offensive coordinator for the Mean Green.

I'm not even the head coach.

Oh, you're O-coordinator.

Just the OC.

Dude, my cousin was a fucking quarterback from New Mexico.

Damn.

Oh, yeah, that's crazy.

One of them is the Egots.

He's got two

dynasty.

Quarterback are saying on fucking

Jewish.

Yeah.

Jewish quarterbacks.

Unbelievable.

Yeah.

Who knew?

That's why

it's a good criter.

They're not running.

They're running Chris score.

Arch Manning.

The only Jews not running up the score are the Egots in Tier 1.

Well, maybe they'll play the Cumberland Valley Pee Wee football team and

drop 40,000 on them.

No, but it's serious.

Yeah.

I checked the news.

Is that over yet?

Not at all.

No.

It's ripping.

It's ripping.

Just got ruled by the UN like an official genocide.

No, it's really bad.

Yeah.

But we went to Chicago.

We did.

Yeah.

This is some harsh videos.

Yeah, whatever.

Really, really fucking day up.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

It's a genocide.

Yeah.

Well, UN ruled officially.

I've been waiting for that to call it out.

Yeah, the UN ruling.

Well, you don't know.

I don't know.

It's funny.

Somebody was like, you don't need to say free Palestine.

I looked it up.

I've been saying it way too much.

I was saying it before the conflict.

Like the convolution of me on Rogan Hammered, like, free Palestine.

I was like, all right, slow down.

Yeah.

The Jays will get you.

They could.

They could.

They could.

I mean, they literally could.

If you ever see me texting any of you guys.

Never mind.

What?

Nothing.

My love.

I love

you.

For something I shouldn't even.

My love.

Chicago is incredible.

My love.

I was so excited you got back to me.

My love.

Matt.

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Man, I'm so happy we've gotten football back.

Like, what was I doing before?

Having a life?

Doubt it, bro.

True.

Happy as I am, nothing brings down the Sunday vibes like an injury.

Sure, the players that feel the pain, but the pain I feel for my picks, that hurts so much more than pain from a guy that's trying.

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I was trying to read that.

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Okay, so that gives me some freedom on my picks.

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That's how a white man runs it.

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It's good to be right.

Also, guys, I'm about to start hitting the comedy clubs again pretty soon.

I got a bunch of stuff coming out.

Right now, the only thing that's nailed down is Off the Hook Comedy Club in Naples, Florida on November 7th, 2025.

Be tight.

I have a couple others that'll be coming out, so stay tuned.

All right.

I have Houston and Tulsa this weekend.

Then I'm in Florida the 25th, 26th, 27th.

Then

October 3rd, Baltimore, Maryland.

October 17th through the October 17th and 18th, I'm at Resorts World in Las Vegas.

And then November 7th, San Francisco.

November 8th, Sacramento.

So go to those.

Thank you.

Bye.

So we get into Chicago.

Chicago is nice.

Dude, that was one of the best, seriously, one of the best weekends of my life.

For real.

Go see Oasis.

Yeah.

Oasis rolled out there.

I forgot I saw it.

Exactly, dude.

There's so much of it going on.

It's too much.

It was real.

I'm with him, though.

I kind of barely saw it.

I know.

I saw it.

I saw too much of it.

Yeah.

It just got washed out.

I was jamming harder than anyone possibly.

I was jamming harder than anyone.

Dude, but Noel, Noel coming down, saying what's up before the show, taking a group picture.

Maybe the fattest photo I've ever taken.

Ruined the photo.

I was like, no one's getting this photo.

You're fucking busting.

No one could have this.

You look like a fucking fat Gilligan.

Fattest photo possible.

And I ruined it.

I'm a huge, like, it can't be that bad.

And I looked at it.

I was like,

I can see the redaction.

Let's not put that one out.

Dude, I was just praying I wouldn't embarrass myself, and I did.

You did.

I know.

I said epic like 14 times.

He was

full-on Chris Farley SNL interview.

Totally.

Remember when you did

Wonder Wall at Wembley?

It was so epic.

And I was just standing there like, what the fuck are you doing?

Why are you doing this?

That was nothing compared to the plan.

What were you going to do?

What would you write?

No, they wouldn't get it, but he did an interview with this guy, Alan Partridge, and he says, his catchphrase was, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Noel Gallagher, aha.

And I was going to do that, but say Adam Ega, and it would have been infinitely worse.

I would have been so upset.

Yeah, I hit him with an epic.

So be thankful I decided against hidden with an epic.

Totally sick.

Epic was sick.

In all fairness, the fucking shows at Wembley were epic.

Bro, I agree.

I stand by it.

Yeah, they were for the win.

I shouldn't have said it 14 times, but

he was the person I've always been most nervous.

I've always wanted to meet him more than anybody in the world.

He was so nice, too.

That was awesome.

He was the coolest fucking person, even cooler than I thought he would be, and I thought he would be the coolest man alive.

He was also crazy knowing he had to go to a concert.

That was his chill level before having to go to a concert for fucking 80,000 people.

He still remained pretty chill.

You'd see him singing, and you'd be like, He was locked in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're the shit, dude.

No, they were voices rules.

Yeah.

But the real thing that happened was Adam Egot, Mr.

Fucking Sobriety,

our one guy who's supposed to be the soberman on the trip.

Also, Matt was with me and Billy and Spud.

I figured I was like, we're going to drink a little bit.

For sure.

This will be an easy, laid-back time.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, nobody's going to get that crazy.

Spud, maybe.

Yeah.

I don't drink.

You don't drink.

No.

I don't drink.

But you're unless you're sober.

My wheels,

the boulder was rolling downhill for me at that point, though, because I was.

The flight was fucking intense, man.

What do they call it?

What do they call them?

Bumble booies?

That was scary.

I'm singing the big bopper.

That was

terrible.

Oh, baby, that's a one I like.

That one I lie.

But, Mr.

Sobriety, we're up in a box,

which

thank you to Noel for giving us that one of those sweets.

It's fucking incredible.

But it's tough to see it.

It's tough to watch a waste.

You don't want to watch it from a sweep.

The vibe was too contained.

It was too contained.

It's too contained.

You can't even.

The plate of glass, and the music would seep in through the little tiny wheel.

Yeah.

So Mr.

Sobriety goes, Hey, I got some acid.

And it was like, no, I'm not taking that.

We have a couple drinks.

I go, all right.

Yeah.

I'll take half.

Matt will take half.

We'll split one.

Yeah.

I knew it was coming down.

And then I'll do three.

Matt buys a bottle of tequila,

sneaks it down to the floor where we're all standing.

By the way, the biggest bottle of Casa Sul I've ever seen.

It's like Costco Casa Sul.

Huge.

Look like the fucking Eiffel Dad.

A half of acid had probably started.

Yeah.

And we were like, this isn't doing much.

Let's take another full one.

Yeah.

So now we're both on a tab and a half.

Yeah.

I'm fine.

Fernandez kicked in.

Yeah.

And

I was just standing still watching, but Matt was fucking going wild.

Every time I looked over.

He's got the cornjolia.

He's got the fucking

smoking weed under his shirt.

Or a bottle of Casa Soul.

I look over at one point, and he's literally drinking the fucking Cosla Soul.

Every creature gathered around this bottle of tequila on the ground.

Literally, like six different big, fat, white guys would all just.

And occasionally Matt would come by and pick it up and chug it.

You have to prove it.

There was just the bottle on the ground, and I had my sweatshirt over it.

And then eventually my sweatshirt just got kicked.

And people would look at it and I'd go, dude, you can have some.

And they'd think it was a trap.

They'd be like, what is it?

And I'm visibly tripping, like, dude, drink that.

It's totally fine.

And they were like, Is there anything in it?

And I'm like, No, there's nothing in it.

I would show them by taking a sip, not realizing I was taking like half a shot every time.

It had no effect on me.

It was, yeah, well, of course.

Yeah, I was just, I was like,

yeah, yeah, it was.

I smoked the bat.

The bat did nothing.

Oh, yeah, then I look over.

It all culminated.

It culminated eventually.

Every time I look over.

And then at one point, he's got a shirt over his head.

Do you you ever put a shirt over your head to let a joint in the wind?

Do you ever do that?

It's the classic trick.

It was a side of Matt I've almost never seen.

It was like Matt was in 19, we were being like 99 Woodstock.

It was 2025 Oasis.

Oh, yeah.

Because

I felt like I wasn't tripping that much because I'm not used to that.

So I was just like staring.

I was definitely high as fuck.

I was just staring at the wall, the graphics, graphics killing the literal Wonder Wall.

Just, yeah, but Matt would be like

literally Hillary with the balloons every second.

And I was doing that thing where I'm like, I'm not even that fucked up.

Look at Matt.

Look at Matt, dude.

That's crazy.

I was the highest I've ever been in my life.

Every two seconds.

I'm like, did it kick in for you?

I would look back and you'd be like,

yes.

Yeah, I was just,

I was like, eventually I was like, yo, play Wonder Wolf.

I got to go home.

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The concert was my music was my favorite part.

Yeah,

I got in there and there was when it started kicking in on me, I was like, I just noticed I was doing that same stuff where I'd be like, I don't know, man, who the fuck designed this artwork on the back?

This shit's weird.

Everything I'd see, I'd be like, that's weird.

This sucks.

Why is this guy doing that?

I'd be like, damn, these guys are like kind of old.

And then all of a sudden, I was like, I'm not going to make it unless I shut down this this negative thinking.

And I completely, I don't know what happened.

I flipped the switch, and I just was no negative thinking the entire time.

It was so nice.

Oh, you scared our ass.

Oh, so exactly.

Again, I got the access to my brain.

And I was like, all right.

Every three songs, this fucking hero, this legend goes, walks up there and gets us a big case of bottled water.

He caught me.

He's a man.

I went up to try to go to the bathroom and had to take a thousand photos.

And then Matt came behind me with a case of a whole case of water.

And he was like, I got water.

I was like, dude, oh my God, you're an angel.

You're a complete angel.

he sent an email to himself at one point yeah

oh that was so funny Matt's like dude check out this email I was like he was literally in the middle of Wonderwall they're like ladies and gentlemen wonderwall Matt was like look at this email

like dude please I sent it to myself sent an email to himself about like we are all vibrations your flower is beautiful

Check out this email.

You showed me your phone and I was like, I can't.

It was just squiggly.

I I was like, oh, shit.

I didn't think I was that high.

Dude, when I first broke off for a water mission, it was like there was on the, I guess like the ground level, there was like a little water stand.

The line was so long and I was in line and I couldn't stop laughing about how much it sucks to stand in line.

Because there's a part of you that believes you're so important.

Then you stand in line.

It's just like a knife just hitting that part for the whole time.

Then this guy next to me was like,

I don't know if he's like a Mexican guy or what, but he was just like, yo, I heard that we can go up the steps and get water.

And I was like, nice movie.

Is that how I said That's how we found it.

Hey, man, I heard you.

He seemed like he was like Mexican, but very American, but then he stopped.

But then it came, he was just like, hey, I'm trying to score some fucking Coke, man.

And I was like, oh, cool, dude.

Let's go get some water and we'll talk about that.

And that's when I discovered you.

Just get people like,

hey, Jay.

Yeah, that was actually, that helped me, though, with the line.

They're like, go, go.

Yeah,

that's nice.

And I was like, thank you.

I'm on acid.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm on acid.

I'm on acid.

I told every single one.

I told everyone for three straight days.

days.

I'm on acid.

Hi, I'm on acid.

It didn't kick in for me until literally the fireworks.

The fireworks was where I realized how severe it was.

Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't know once the fireworks, I was like, okay, this is intense.

And then the music stopped and I went, oh, okay.

Now what's my brain going to do?

And it was.

And that's when KG Elephant saved us.

Yeah, true.

They literally were like, in here, hurry.

So KG Elephant opened for him and we were hanging out with them a little, which they were very nice.

Like,

when he jumped on me, and I was like, I'm on acid.

This is like kind of the first time I've ever taken acid.

He was like, I got you, man.

Don't worry.

I was like, I don't know how much you're helping me.

He's like, whoa, check out that shit, right?

I was like,

yeah, it's pretty.

I didn't even notice that.

Yeah, I didn't care for the purposeful heaviness of conversation they kept doing, which I would be like, I know what you guys are doing.

Oh, yeah.

It was bringing up rape and shit.

Somebody did.

What?

Somebody in the room.

Yeah, there was like, and it was like, I think they were doing it to purposely fuck with us.

I don't know.

It was was just like they were being really nice.

They were super nice.

Everybody else was being super nice.

They saved us.

They're being tricksters.

Dude, I had to walk out in that crowd that would have been,

I couldn't even, my legs were like

vibrating.

Yes.

No homo.

It sounds gay.

I just was sweating so profusely.

Standing there.

Oh, right.

I went through so many napkins and I just thought that was my favorite.

That was the best.

You were dying.

We're sitting in their green room.

They bring us, KG Elvin saves us.

They just go, Here, don't, don't, just run straight back to the locker.

Right behind the stage.

So then we're sitting there, they're all being very nice.

And

you were cracking me up with just like trying to be in control.

Like, this is it.

This is as high as we're going to get.

Everything's down from here.

I was like, Matt, we're going to be high for a day.

This is just starting.

So fucked.

I thought for sure it was about to wear off.

This kept getting worse.

And I was like, no, no.

Two hours ago.

Just started.

You're like, that's fine.

This is as high as we're going to get.

i thought it was 150 degrees my feet felt like they were like fish tails my glass i was wearing glasses they were fogged up it was so hot there was like food egots trying to egot's trying to have conversation too oh this is that's what you're saying they're like man chicago's great like chicago what a great city

i look over and he's got a pile of paper towels because he's sweating and just going oh yeah chicago what a town

man that's a

chicago hell of a town hell of a town i love it they really were like not exaggerating, maybe, like, 20 paper towels.

It was disgusting.

Yeah, it was so funny.

I really tried for a second to hide them, but everyone was like, dude.

Where were they in your pocket?

Were they in your pocket?

They were on the table next to the couch.

It was like a box of food there and a stack of napkins.

And I used literally all of them.

Sweat napkins.

Oh, there were so many, dude.

But it was all of his, all the Cage the Elephant bros are like old Kentucky guys.

Yeah, they were nice.

They were old musicians.

So when we were like, we're on acid, this is kind of our, this is my first time getting this high.

And they were like, oh, you're going to have a good night.

Yeah, like they were like, real.

Oh, yeah.

He, and that one dude was fucking awesome.

He's like, show me, he's like, what do you got?

I was like, I got one left.

He's like, okay, yeah, it's gonna be about seven hours.

He like told you exactly what he was gonna experience.

And he was like, I think, I think it was more than seven.

I think it was

more like the entire day leading into the next day.

He said 12.

And I remember sitting there being like, oh no.

Then we escaped.

the stadium on the way out.

They brought in the cleaning crew.

Oh my god.

How funny was that?

That was crazy.

It was like a parade.

It was just all the people that come in to clean.

So it looked like just 40, it was 40

to 50 Mexicans.

It was a small door with

a very narrow stairway

where they came from like an opening above down a little tiny stairway.

And it's like, you know, you see a cleaning crew, maybe 12 people.

It just kept going.

It just kept going.

And we just had to wait there.

And then one of them was like, Shane Gillis,

yo.

It was, dude, it was 40.

It was literally like 45 Mexicans.

And then a black guy in the very end of the procession went, God damn, Shane Gill, is that you?

And it was just like, I was like, oh, no.

I think he used the N-word, which was very similar.

It was very similar, which was awesome.

Which was very funny.

Very funny.

We died laughing.

And then it was like, we should have used that opportunity to go up the stairs.

And then they immediately turned around and went, and we had to wait for the 40s.

It was coming back up the stairs.

Yeah, they were shuffling those.

It was like a military procession.

They just were showing us, and they were like, all right.

Yeah, it was a show of force.

It was a truly

They're like, back up, and they just went straight back up.

Billy, Billy was leading the way.

But favorite,

one of my favorite moments of the night is we get outside of the stadium, and Matt's like,

God damn, I'm telling you, that fucking caffeine.

That coffee.

That coffee.

I shouldn't have had that caffeine.

It got me all jittery.

I was like, Matt, I just watched you party harder than anyone I've ever seen.

You're chugging tequila, smoking.

I was like, it's the acid.

It wasn't the cup of Joe.

It was the the second cup.

It was an espresso martini and a cup of Joe.

Yeah, I know.

Dude, it was the fucking acid and tequila and the weed.

That was the only thing healthy.

Dude, I think those oysters were off.

Matt's diet that it was oysters, espresso martini, tequila, weed, and then acid.

And he was like, fucking coffee.

I'm telling you, coffee just, I,

like,

stop.

Caffeine's not good.

I'm telling you, man, it was.

I knew I was going to double down and be like, I'm telling you, it was the caffeine.

I'm telling you,

I try not to touch the stuff anymore.

And we went on.

And Billy

leads us to the middle of nowhere.

My athletes to get to the Uber location.

Yeah, we walked for a while.

Until we get under the trees over there.

I try to take a picture of a spider, and it's just

a little blur.

I'm like, oh, cool.

That literally was the coolest spider web I remember.

That was weird of my life.

That was.

Remember, there was a whole whole gang of people under the trees?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we kept walking.

That was pretty weird.

It was just an encampment of people.

Yeah.

And we got into like a cross

sedan.

Then we just got into a regular guy's car.

It was a hack.

It wasn't even an Uber.

It was just a guy.

He was a hack guy.

It was huge.

It felt like a clown car.

I don't know how we all fit in that car, but I'm in the very back with you.

Yeah, it was fucked up.

I couldn't see shit.

And it felt like he was going to be a little bit more.

It was like a station wagon with a third row that you can barely fit.

That car was tough.

I sat chucking and had the nicest.

I just saw the skyline of Chicago and it was all moving.

It looked like the lights were all flickering.

I was like, this is the best moment of my life.

It's a great town.

It's a great town.

It's a great town.

Gosh.

It's a great town.

It's a great time to have it, Joe.

It's really laughing.

It's going to be great.

God.

Just having a nice cup of Joe in Chicago and relaxing.

Cup of Joe got you fucked up.

I don't know what they're putting in the bean in Chicago, but

God damn.

I still

was like, LSD,

caffeine, man.

That's what it was cracking me LSD.

Like, literally, when you said it, I had a montage of what I saw you doing.

It was one of those joints that has like an eighth of wheat.

It was enormous.

I was like, it was so shit.

That was a blunt.

It was huge.

Remember the ones, LeMaire, the ones I gave you from Detroit that are just like, they're bats.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

They're for real doinks.

It was so funny.

Oh, God.

Big Doinks in Chicago.

Oasis 2025.

It was so fun.

But then we go back to the hotel.

We're in my room.

We're just staring at one painting.

Free beer.

Free beer.

I'm like, find that painting.

I mean, I have a photo of it.

The free beer painting was.

But it looked like it should have been hanging in the loot.

Like, it was fucking gorgeous.

The dimensions and depth in it were crazy.

It was stunning.

And then, remember, there was one, I thought it was a swan.

And then Billy's like, you fucking retard, that's a a rose.

She's holding a rose.

It looks like a swan.

It looked like a swan.

Yeah.

Thank God for Billy for.

Maybe I can send it to you after.

Let me see if I can find the painting.

Free beer painting.

This is nope.

All right.

Yep.

Nope.

We're not getting this.

That might be just one of a kind.

That was probably an original.

Yeah, I believe so.

But I did wake up the next day and realized it was a dull sack of shit painting.

It literally looked like it was from Marshalls.

Like, I guarantee you, that's where they got it.

I think it seared into my brain because Adam showed me like several days later on his phone.

I was like, God, that's such a nice fan.

Yeah, it was epic.

It was fucking epic.

Chicago.

What a town.

The funniest.

Towards the end, I knew it.

The writing was on the wall.

I was like, oh, these guys are ready to go to bed.

I was keeping the chat alive as long as we were.

We're trying to keep the chat alive.

Because

I'm telling you, when I have too much caffeine, when it wears off, the fucking, I just get like horrible knots in my chest, and I could feel it coming for me.

And I was like, me alone in this room

while I'm kind of tripping.

Oh, I know.

Kind of tripping.

True.

We were tripping.

Oh, nice.

It's free beer, dude.

God, that painting's fucking awesome.

I still like it.

It's so shitty.

I still like it.

It does look like a swan, though.

Yeah, of course.

It does look like a swan.

Right?

Yeah.

Wearing like a white dress.

Yeah.

We'll show it.

We'll show the folks at home.

Yeah, dude.

What are you doing there, Amazie?

Okay.

I got back to my room and was just like,

just pack your clothes, just normal stuff, dude.

Just do normal stuff.

And they started packing my clothes.

I'm like, this is taking a long time.

And I would stop and be like, what are you so, what are you freaking out about, dude?

I'd be like, nothing, dude.

I don't want to worry about it.

I like that your internal monologue is an actual conversation with yourself.

Oh, big time.

That's pretty crazy.

It's kind of nice.

It was just kind of like, dude, we got this.

Everything's cool.

And I'd be like, dang, why wouldn't it be cool, dude?

Shut the fuck up, dude.

Totally.

Wait, wasn't that?

Didn't you have internal monologue in the mirror or something?

Dude, I was like, I'm putting my stuff away and I'm like, this is fucked up, dude.

You're overthinking this.

Chill, relax.

And I like went to go to the the bathroom and just caught my reflection.

I was like, it's all been leading to this.

And I just stared at myself.

And the whole time, there was like this,

it was hard to explain.

It was like a flash of just like, it wasn't even really insight.

It was just like, dude, I'm going to look myself in the eye.

I'm going to show up for myself.

I'm going to be present in my own body.

And I was just like, you got this, dude.

I'm finally here.

And my first thought was like, shut the fuck up.

And I was like, God damn it.

Fuck.

Yeah, I was in a fun house, dude.

I went back to my room.

Everybody knows me as like a twist, dude.

If I I got caught in the middle of the room.

I was like, oh, no, no, no.

No, I got caught in it, dude.

I got fully caught in it.

And

that was a rugged one.

And I just laid in bed with just like,

it felt like my insides were completely constricted.

I held off as long as I could.

Finally, I was like, hey, Shane, how are you making out, dude?

I'm not doing so hot.

I just fell asleep.

I didn't want to do it.

I'm so sorry.

I was like, dude, I really, I don't care.

Nothing matters.

I was such a nice time.

I just went and stood at my own shitty painting in my hotel room for about two hours and then I couldn't sleep and I just did some mock drafts.

See, I tried to mock fantasy drafts.

I tried to go to bed.

That was my problem.

I tried to go to bed and it was just like the feeling in my chest was just horrific, just like super tense.

And then there was like, I was listening to YouTubes to calm myself down.

So it was like meditation YouTubes, all this stuff, relaxation.

I'm playing.

I'm just laying there.

Nothing's working.

And eventually they're like.

Like whatever feeling you have give it a shape.

And I was like, give it a color.

And I'm like, red.

And it's like, give it a shape.

And I'm like, I close my eyes and it's just like this amorphous, shiny blob going into X.

It was a Twix box.

The shape completely turned on me.

It was just like,

I was like, fuck, this isn't working.

It was fun.

Oh, my God.

We laughed so fucking hard in that.

You need to tell the drafts dick.

It was so fucking hard.

You need to tell the drafts dick.

I don't care how long it takes to set up.

I love this story.

Yeah, true.

Please, from the very beginning.

Fellas, get off your phones and pay attention.

I can't recall.

Somebody needs to hear this for the the first time.

I can't recall.

I feel like Norm told it somewhere, but we went to go see, back in like 2007, maybe, we went and saw legendary baseball player, commentator, and actor

Euchre, Bob Euchre.

Who, by the way, is in the Miller-Light commercial.

He's in the Miller-Light commercial.

What, Norm?

That's where they met.

No, I mean, there's a new one.

Oh, yeah.

So

the next day, we're talking about fucking the bags on you yeah and i'm in the i'm in a sports bar and euchre comes on tv i'm like dude that's the fucking guy yeah what are the odds like yeah euchre he was on a famous sitcom in the 80s mr belvedere and he was in major league and so that's bob euchre and he's a fucking he's literally the funniest man i've ever met in my life so norm and i went to go visit him when i was living in arizona and he was doing the improv and we went down to uh see a spring training game and uh euchre for many years has been calling the brewers games he's from milwaukee and he told us the funniest story I've ever heard in my fucking life.

And he was saying that back in, I think.

Tell them the Carson story, too.

Oh, the Carson story.

So there was a brief time where Euchre did stand-up.

And he did the Johnny Carson show back in the 70s.

And Euchre,

he had like his five-minute set.

He kept running it.

And then he went to go do it on Carson.

And he was walking backstage before he was supposed to go up.

And he's like, yeah, man, I'm fucking.

And he curses like a sailor.

And he has a thick accent.

He's like, Yeah, man, I fucking went to go do Carson back in whatever year it was, 76 or something.

And

the

band leader for Carson back in the day was Doc Severon.

And he's like, I walk by and fucking Doc Severnson's

dressing room door's open, and he's sitting in there with this fucking mountain of white shit on the table.

And he's like, Hey, Euchre, come in here and fucking do some of this shit.

I didn't even know what the fuck it was.

I said, I don't give a fuck.

I'll do it.

So, I go in there, and I, it turns out it was obviously cocaine.

I didn't fucking know.

And then, uh, so I'm in, I'm doing my fucking seventh line, I think, at this point.

And the fucking showrunner for Carson, he says, hey, Euchre, you're on.

So I fucking go out there and I do five minutes of material in about 30 seconds.

And they give me the sign to fucking stretch.

I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.

Just seeing a pile of code going, fuck it, I'll do it.

I don't even know what the fuck it is.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do national television.

so funny.

I'll do it.

So the best story he told us I've ever heard was he's like, yeah, man, I used to play for the fucking Brewers, and we used to pull bags on each other all the time back in the day on other guys from other ball clubs.

And by the way, a bag is a prank.

And he called them bags.

The bag is the funniest thing.

The bag's so funny.

That's going to be, yeah, that'll be

in the language now.

This is going to be in the vernacular forever, absolutely.

So he's like, so one day we decide, oh, this weekend we got the fucking Dodgers coming to Milwaukee.

And we said, oh, this is a perfect opportunity to pull a fucking bag on old Don Drysdale.

So

fucking Don Drysdale had a fucking whore in every city, but his fucking Primo whore was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

So we decided, oh, perfect opportunity for a fucking bag on Drysdale.

So we decided he didn't know, little did Don Drysdale know, I'm friends with the fucking chief of police in Milwaukee.

So he's in this fucking hotel room with his primo whore, and we paid that fucking bitch off and pretend like she died.

And had the fucking chief of police and come up with some of his cops come bang down his fucking hotel room in the fucking middle of the night.

And he thinks he killed this fucking bitch.

And so they cuff him naked as the fucking day he was born.

He's crying in the fucking hallway, thinks his life's over.

And I walk by, I say, hey, Drysdale, the bag's on you.

Any mini.

Anyway,

so 20 minutes later, I'm down in the fucking lobby having a drink, and Drysdale comes down.

The fucker's still mad.

I said, relax.

It's a fucking bag.

Drysdale, the bag's on you.

Relax.

It's so bad.

Fucker's still pissed.

So Norm and I used to always do this bit where we would talk about like how it would be great to do

a sitcom like candid camera called The Bags on You with Bob Euchre, where he's just the most horrendous actor.

He just pulls these terrible, awful.

Your wife and kids are dead.

The bags on you.

But it's all because he was on Mr.

Belvedere.

He was fucking on you.

Oh, my God.

Because he was on Mr.

Belvedere for some reason.

We just kept using these old obscure actors from sitcoms in the 80s.

They're like, hey, this week on The Bags on You, we pull a fucking bag on Principal Belding.

Like, you fucking, we told me we got evidence that you raped a fucking 14-year-old, but the turns out the bag's on you.

The bag's on you.

No, that's all allegedly.

We don't know if Drysdale had a whore in every city.

Oh, it's all in the story.

It's a made-up story.

It's just a bag.

It was just a bag.

And then Drysdale pulled the bag.

He thought it was the...

Well, I don't know.

Yeah,

this is one of the most intense bags I've ever heard.

It keeps going.

Allegedly,

Drysdale thought that he's like, fucking Drysdale didn't realize I was the one that fucking pulled the bag.

It was my idea, but he thought it was the third baseman.

And so we didn't know that

Drysdale's buddies with these fucking Goombas, these fucking Italian Goombas.

A couple of these fuckers.

And we're going down and we're going to go play in Los Angeles, and he gets a couple of these fuckers to go take the third baseman out in a fucking limousine by gunpoint.

They drive him out into the fucking middle of the desert and they hand him a shovel and they say, hey, start digging.

And this guy's fucking crying, digging what he thinks is going to be his own grave.

And we go, hey, now the bag's on you.

It's just

for

kids.

The most evil pranks.

Those are serious bags.

Just some baseball player stuff.

Oh, shit.

So funny.

70s baseball bags.

Probably the 60s.

Yeah, probably.

Maybe even 60s.

Yeah, it was probably 60s.

Jesus Christ.

60s.

Relax.

I looked at Drysdale after that.

Oh, yeah, 60s.

It's very funny to see a picture of a Drysdale.

It looks like a Don Drysdale.

I didn't realize Don Drysdale was like a...

He was a man.

Yeah, he was nasty.

He's an all-American

bag.

Oh, no.

Look at the bag getting pulled on old Drysdale.

He probably was using it.

He wasn't thrilled.

That hooker is a good thing.

Yeah, he's a motherfucker.

Yeah, dude.

That hooker was passed out.

He's probably like, oh, rats.

The broad is dead.

You're like, honey.

I killed the goddamn broad.

Just what I need.

This broad was sick.

His broad came down with the heebie-jeebies.

The jig is up.

Just your luck, Drysdale.

I'm going to the big house for sure.

Oh, Drysdale, you're in a pickle this time.

A real pickle.

A real decor.

Just don't be afraid.

Oh, shit.

I'm going to have to shoot my way out.

Just my luck.

My primo Whore craps out on me.

Honestly,

these bags could go really, really bad.

You could jump out of the hotel.

Easily.

Primo whore is such a funny bag.

Primo whore croaking on you?

The textbook primo's gone wild, dude.

That was honestly probably in the best western in Milwaukee.

His bag got pulled on old LeMaire.

Oh, is that right?

You had a bag?

A couple fellas in Reddit pulled the old bag on LeMaire Lee.

Oh, what happened?

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Are you with your pre-market?

So I'm in Milwaukee.

I just get off stage.

I get on Reddit and I find Milwaukee's gone wild.

Now it's a little subreddit where they're selling orgies in Milwaukee.

I say, $75 for an orgy.

Yeah, I'll fucking take a razor scooter over to the best western.

I get in there.

They say,

We're not in here.

Thanks for the $75.

The bag's on you.

My favorite

is

New York.

Aaron's just taking off for the fucking rock hardstock.

$75 slider.

Oh, jeez.

Well, you waited.

You waited for how long did you wait?

I waited like 30, 40 minutes.

Something at the bottom is skipping.

And they were like,

we can't come down now.

We're too busy fucking

good explanations.

So

get back to New York and he tries to confront Milwaukee.

He's going wild.

And they're like, actually, it's funny you ask.

We have an orgy in New York tonight.

Good for you.

The bag's been pulled on him a couple times on the internet.

Bag is fucking dick.

Bagged me once.

Shame on you.

Bagged me twice.

True.

This time, the bag's on me.

Yeah, the bag.

Lemaire's been hit with the internet bag.

He'll get you.

Jacking off bag.

Send it to your friends.

Jack and off bag.

You better be careful.

You're going to want to hear this.

I sent my dick to a dude on Snapchat.

I thought it was a lady.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it happens to the best of us.

Yeah, true.

But I admire the fact you were like, go ahead and release it to all my friends.

They're cool.

Nothing.

You literally, so they get your instagram so they see who your friends are and then they go this is who i'm about to send it to if you don't give me two thousand dollars yeah and you go fucking black you go well you got to send it because you can't negotiate they're gonna go all right here's another list two thousand more i'm sending it to them yeah yeah you can't negotiate with terrorists you can't negotiate with these dick terrors

he didn't even send it did he oh he sent it what he sent it out he did send it out yeah but nobody answered it like everybody was like this guy sent me a message about you i was like don't don't look everyone opened it

Just so you know, every single I would fucking open it.

Everyone's opening that.

Yeah, true.

We were talking about this

recently, and

a girl told me because we were sharing stories about this, how it happens to people.

And a girl was like, Happened to my brother.

And it got sent to every single member of my family.

Oh, my God.

He was like 18

when he did it.

It got sent to his sister, and it was a video of him jacking off

with his face in it.

But he survived people are evil evil.

people are evil yeah that's that's like that black mirror episode and they made him do all that crazy shit

no that was a different episode the bag's on me

the back's on my pig before it goes into that episode i was just fucked the pig

i would almost rather have like a if it could be like a side profile fucking the pig than like an eye contact p of me jerking off on the screen i disagree side profile fucking a pig's that's pretty wild Vicious.

That is wild.

Well, you can at least deny some culpability.

Be like, bro, if you're eye contact into the camera, like, fuck, I'm gonna fucking kill him.

They're both awful options, but I still know.

Shacking off.

Yeah, shacking off everybody

is nuts.

Yeah, that's a

good choice.

A real pig.

No, an actual pig, not a lady.

The pig's dead.

Oh, that's different.

Oh, well, yeah.

The gods are no-brainer, obviously, the dead pig.

It's a dead pig.

Dead pig.

Who wouldn't?

They're about to sell it later.

You can't even kill it anyway.

Yeah, a bunch of Italians are exactly.

we just fucking painted that pig off to pretend it was dead.

The bag's on you.

He's upstairs with his fucking primo pig.

I didn't even have to send the video to my family.

I don't even know why I did that.

I like that, dude.

Show the fucking terrorists who's boss.

True, I might start sending my family this non-stop.

I got to get ahead of this.

Dude, they got me again.

Yeah.

Fuck who's got me.

Keep sending videos of you jacking off to your dad.

Dad, don't open it.

Dude, I got catfished terribly once back in, yeah, I mean, 10 years ago.

And my friend told me, I was like, I got a bad feeling about this.

This girl invited me over.

It's late at night on Tinder or something.

And I was like, I got a weird feeling about this.

And

dude, he's like,

yeah.

And something's wrong.

I'm like, I could get laid, but I might be murdered.

And my buddy's like, oh, you know what you can do

is you can put the phone number into the Facebook search bar at the time, and it'll show if there's a profile link to that account.

I swear to God, I typed in the phone number, and it's literally.

It doesn't matter that they're black, but they happen to be black and wearing a ski mask.

Whoa!

It was literally just three pronoun pictures, and he definitely had a gun and another one.

And I'm like, I'm glad I looked that up.

That's really nice.

I still went.

I still went, you know.

What?

No, I didn't go.

When you get horny, it's like, yeah, fucking

site on the website.

It's still going to work out.

Dude, you've definitely been murdered.

Yeah, you got robbed for sure.

Yeah.

It's a good way to rob people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's better than seduce.

Fucking Reddit or Jesus.

You got to seduce like a married guy into coming to your house.

That way he can't tell on you.

Oh, yeah.

You just rob him.

There you go.

Take acid.

Rob people.

It's a good podcast.

No, the horny trap's the best.

Yeah.

You get someone in, yeah, and you're just kind of, you can't be like, oh, why were you there?

Be like, but you needed help moving stuff in the fridge.

There's a fridge, burning fridge.

Yeah, that was an easy one to come up with.

Yeah.

The governments do it.

Yeah, the honeypot.

Yeah, it was a classic.

It was literally a really great honeypot.

Honeypotted.

Yeah.

Damn, that would have sucked, though, just to go in the apartment.

It was Black Israelite.

And skew this up.

Yeah.

It's possible.

I've had honey, too.

I literally could get honeypotted.

I feel like I'm fucking winning, too.

That's why they do them.

Oh, bother.

Oh, bother.

No pussy, just a fucking guy in a second.

I also feel like now, if they want to honeypot you, because they have your whole internet porn search history, they can like craft a scenario out of like a porn you watch.

You go quick in real life.

My stepmom's stuck in a dryer.

You go.

It seems fishy, but I got to take this chance.

She got the massage written all over it.

Massad written all over it, but

what if she is stuck and she needs my help?

Having a stuck honeypot would be so fucking funny.

What is this?

Going to a party, someone will be like, Oh, that room?

Oh, my fucking stepmom's stuck in the dryer.

Don't worry about that mirror that looks like a camera could be behind it.

Walk up the mirror.

I know you guys are watching.

I'm doing it.

Yeah, my stepsister is frozen in the kitchen.

You can do whatever.

It's this crazy thing.

It's called free use.

She's just bent over the kitchen counter.

Anyway, don't mind the Jewish cameras everywhere.

You go home, you're like, your dad's like, Shane, I got a divorce.

This is a new stepmom.

She saw you had a fucking 23-year-old Brazilian lady.

You're like,

this seems good.

She's seen videos about this.

Fucking massage.

Massage keeps getting.

She's so nice to me.

Yeah, honeypot is the best.

I mean, it is a good, it's a good trap, I will say.

Yeah.

It's cool.

Unless you get trapped.

You might as well get fucking honeypotted.

Yeah.

True.

Legally.

Yeah.

You know.

That's what I know, for sure.

I'm not.

Because then it's like, my thing is, if I got caught into the honey pot, I would start to be like,

can we do another one?

Can we do those?

I don't know if you made my mind up yet.

I'll never talk.

Guys, keep sending fucking chicks to suck my dick

to the worst spies ever.

I'm just lying.

Just keep making shit up.

Because if you get caught with one bad photo, that'd be crazy to be indebted for like years and years and years.

It's got to be a real bad one.

Yeah, you got to.

It literally has to be.

Yeah, exactly.

It's almost like something like this is happening in the world right now.

Yeah.

Yeah, it definitely is.

No, I'm talking about the Epstein list.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, the letter, the letters.

Also, now though, you can just claim deepfake.

Oh, shit.

You never thought of that.

You never thought about that.

You never thought about that.

They said, the bag's on you, Stephen Hawking.

Dude,

Epstein was on my side.

So we crossed her bag down to the beach.

He can't even walk.

Put a couple kids on him and take a picture.

We go, hey, Stephen, the bag's on you.

What do you mean, the bag's on me?

Enough of your universe, bullshit.

You gotta support Israel.

They pulled a bag on the motherfucker.

We decided to pull a bag on him.

We're back at the bar.

Fucking three hours later, Hawking rolls in.

He's still pissed.

Fucker's still pissed.

I'm in the fucking limbo line.

I'm in the condo line with five 10-year-olds.

fucking Hawking rolls in.

Hawking's still alive, right?

Is he dead?

When did he die?

Two, three, two years ago.

Wait, didn't Stephen Hawking just die?

I think it was like three or four years ago.

Three or four years.

Really?

That was kind of during all the Epstein stuff.

Yeah.

That must have been nice to be an assassin and be like, who you got to kill today?

Like Stephen Hawking?

You're like, easy.

God damn it.

Easy.

Just turn him off.

You just be like,

yo, he's saying some dangerous things.

How do we stop him?

I got it.

I broke his charger last night.

Snuck into his house.

It's almost too easy.

It's just crazy enough to.

Yeah, Hawking being on the Epstein on the island.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's tough.

He was probably old as fuck, too.

I know.

Oh, bother.

True.

They really fucked him on that.

And why did only like two people, it was him and like a magician that got released?

There's only two people.

there.

Oh, David Copperfield?

I think Copperfield.

I think the mysterious Mr.

Copperfield.

I wish you could make that list disappear.

2015 email from Epstein.

The email mentioned allegation from Epstein accuser Virginia Guffery concerning a supposed underage orgy involving Hawking in the Virgin Islands.

Oh, I thought you were going to say the best Western in Milwaukee.

That's the one LeMaire got locked out of, thank God.

Stephen Hawkins.

Stephen Hawkins.

Stephen Hawking rolled himself home $75 lighter and pissed off.

You promised me the mirror.

They had the whole thing set up on like a 40-screen computer.

They almost got you.

Fuck you, bitches.

I'm on my way to NASA.

It's funny.

There's actually going to be an orgy at NASA later this afternoon.

$75.

That's a deal, man.

Sick.

Was that the only two people?

I feel like it was, I could be, I don't want to put Smutt on Copperfield, but I feel feel like his name came up.

It was like a famous magician.

Yeah, I think

Hawking there.

It was just those two.

The names I heard.

I could be wrong.

I don't want to get sued by David Copperfield.

Exactly.

Or his estate.

Maybe it was Houdini.

Yeah.

Damn.

It was Houdini.

I could be wrong.

If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

Hawking was having a blast.

This is him on the island.

There's a photo.

Shit.

There's a photo.

They said he would.

They said Stephen Hawkings would like he would go into a room with like midgets and make them do math naked.

I heard that.

I don't know where else.

I haven't seen any sources pick that up, but that was the rumor.

Naked math for midgets?

He would make

little people do math.

He had them in the math castle.

Did you ever play that game?

Yeah, he is.

Yeah, dude,

the lit things are too funny.

Oh, my God.

That's so funny.

There's some really.

Yeah, he's got some incriminating stuff.

Why are there only pictures of him?

Interesting.

He was just probably stoked to be at the party.

Yeah, he's just happy to be invited.

He's just happy to get out of the house.

He got fucked a little bit.

Yeah, I don't think because I think a lot of the other people might have been big power players, and Hawking was just probably like, you know, do you ever see like the coming-of-age high school tales when the nerd gets invited to the party?

Yeah, he finally gets invited to the pool.

I can't believe I'm finally here.

Did you guys know that the universe says fucking shut the fuck up, Hawkins?

Throw him in the pool.

pool,

it can't hardly wait for sure.

God, that's crazy.

Yeah, that's wild.

It's also crazy to think about how that happens.

Like, because if you become like a millionaire, multi-millionaire, you're like, you know, you're getting into more and more kind of like rarefied circles, and all of a sudden, it's just like, dude, I have an island.

We're going to have sex with children.

You're like, oh,

what the fuck?

There's no way they lay it out.

I don't know.

Yeah,

did.

I mean, that's another one.

Fool me twice.

Yeah.

Second you get on this the second jet, you go, there better not be any kids here, Jeff, you fucker.

Last time,

during the Clinton era, that was like the 90s.

Dude, jailbait was like, that was like a funny, popular thing.

They, dude, she's jailbait.

Yeah.

It was not like now it's like pedophiles.

That made it late.

Yeah, dude.

That was during like Obama.

That was like.

Dude, I say it all the time.

The first jailbait was like.

Watch the pilot of Californication.

It starts with him having sex with a high school girl and being like, oh shit, I'm such a crazy writer.

And that's that's the pilot episode I think this is.

Old school.

Yeah.

He fucks a high school chick.

Pineapple Express.

Pineapple Express.

Pineapple Express, his girlfriend's in high school.

Yeah.

What was he like?

How old was he?

What the fuck?

I wonder who wrote all those

Who's doing this to us?

Why are they doing this stuff?

Remember when you saw the Twix canister?

Twix was full star of David.

That was the funniest thing ever.

We were hitting the Hotel Candy.

And

I was like, bro, I'm not joking.

This Twix is the star of David.

It really did.

It was exactly.

I saw into Kanye West's mind.

Then I remembered immediately Kanye's been ranting about Twix, and I was like, that's why, dude.

The star of David.

Twix?

Twix?

Twix?

Twix bigger to make us fat.

Twix.

Shut up before you get exiled, bitch.

That's still the best, Kanye.

It's like, I'm doing this alone.

None of you are with me at all.

And it's like, I'm with you guys.

Shut up before you get exiled.

She's in someone's house.

Calling everybody into my hotel room to be like, I'm the only one doing it.

I'm by myself.

None of you are with me.

Twix looks like the star of David.

Does it really?

Tell the story about

the one that made me laugh harder than anything.

Well, the other thing that made me laugh so hard was that fucking dumb Elton John meme.

Elton John meme has been making it.

That is one of the best.

Elderly couple attacked.

It was like a headline, news headline, and it said, elderly couple attacked at Elton John concert.

And then the comment above was, then stay out of the fucking pit, bitch.

Yeah,

that had us crying, laughing for 45 minutes.

It was very funny.

Now, what was the story you talked about?

About the guys that you worked with.

Just say it.

We can edit it.

Oh, we've already done it.

The concrete pit.

We told you.

That was a classic tale.

And the classic tale.

The text, we've never.

I need to get the text from Billy.

I'm going to get a hold of the text and tell that

another

episode.

It's crazy.

It's so good.

He rattles it off like the Gettysburg Address.

He really did.

It's crazy.

Yeah, it was a great night.

It's a classic text from just like a horrible employee, just obviously high and up at 40.

Extremely high.

Just a nine, it's like

a nine-foot text.

Yeah, it's a meth text.

It reeks of meth.

Yeah, meth texts are actually like 30 paragraphs of just like, I would never lie to you, for real.

I love this job so fucking much.

Trust me, okay?

I'm not a liar, okay?

What I said was going on at that time, okay?

Like, it's that for sure.

I'm an idiot, okay?

Yeah, I'm an idiot, okay.

We'll see.

I will win.

I always win.

By the way, did you know that when you Google tips for coming down off of LSD, they give you the suicide helpline?

Jesus.

What?

I swear to God.

That's crazy.

That would have hung every day.

Yeah, imagine.

I'm sitting there.

I'm like, I wonder if there's any tips and tricks, like a blanket or a warm shower.

It was like, help is available.

I was like, oh, my God.

And we're back.

And we're back.

I'm reading a book right now called Drunks and Monks, which it's about a guy.

It's a really good book.

It's about a guy who's an entertainment lawyer in Southern California, and he just was like kind of killing it.

And his wife divorces him.

And he spirals for like six years.

He had never drank, he had an alcoholic mom, so he never drank a day in his life.

And at 34, just starts hitting the paint harder than anybody.

Yeah, it's gotta be sweet.

So sleep.

It was dude.

Well, it was.

Do you remember how fun it was the first time you drank?

Damn.

I sure do.

It was awesome.

Imagine me at 34 and being like, oh, fuck.

Yeah.

I've been missing this my entire life.

The problem was he was showing his ass.

So he was going through a divorce.

He would like go to weddings.

He was like making out and grinding on a lady.

Yeah, I'm showing up.

literally yeah and his mom was like a recovery his mom actually then like re his mom got diagnosed with cancer then she relapsed you gotta hit the point and got dementia so he was like his mom they didn't realize what the mom was already like kind of a drunk who would like fall down but the mom started shitting herself all the time so at one point he gets like kicked out of his second wife's house and he's just with his like mom who's like you know is going to die pretty soon but you know she actually rallied for like six years and the dad would just freak out so he was like 34 in his childhood bedroom and he had a horrible childhood but at 34, he was just in there with his dad being like, What the fuck's wrong with you?

Shit in your fucking pants, and like screaming and breaking shit.

Something happened?

Does anything good happen?

Yeah, I think he becomes a monk.

I think he eventually leaves.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I think.

I haven't finished the book.

He becomes like a devout.

You haven't finished the book.

So you're just guessing.

I'm pretty sure he becomes a devout Catholic monk.

Because I watched some interviews after him.

When's the last time you read Bukowski?

Not for a couple of years.

You would really like Bukowski.

I remember liking it.

You like that.

I read his,

I figured the one book.

It was good.

good.

His whole, yeah, like ham sandwiches or something.

Ham on Rye.

Ham on Rye.

And post office women.

This is nice because it's that, but then it has kind of like a theological undertext because he's constantly, he like gets, he just starts like singing in a choir like a Latin Mass.

It's really funny.

He's just a drunk.

It's really funny.

It's really funny.

I used to drink at Bukowski's bar a lot.

Yeah, the frolic room.

That's nice for me.

And this drinking.

But not really.

But yeah.

I can see how you would not miss it.

But there's days.

There's good days and bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just read like he had that book of shorts.

I read that one about that girl he was fucking that like she was like a prostitute, but he like loved her.

It was, I don't know, it's kind of beautiful.

It was like a

real cussy fucking rules, but if you're into just a guy who's a drunk fucking mess, that's

him.

90% of the stories are him like

getting drunk at a bar, eating a lady's post, you getting knocked out by another guy.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

All those fucking great writers.

They were all literally the biggest drunks ever.

Yeah, Hemingway, fucking

Faulkner.

He was a good drunk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Until he shot under his fucking owner.

That wasn't out.

Until he got the Eagles' gun.

No, that was.

That was.

I think he had dementia.

Did he?

Yeah, I think he started to have.

Oh, no.

He had dementia at Parkinson's.

I think a lot of his family, he's like a family curse.

I think a lot of his family killed themselves.

Also, I think he might have been, you know.

Throwing some jabs at women.

Yeah.

So maybe it wasn't the best drunk.

Oh, he's punching.

He'd have a couple and go.

He's drinking mojitos too, which is funny.

Drinking mojito and be like,

yeah.

He was like an adventurous drunk.

He'd be like, I'm in a war or I'm fishing or something.

Yeah.

Kukowski's literally just like, yeah, bar funny.

That was fucking ugly motherfuckers looking at me.

So I was like, fuck you, you ugly bitch.

And he knocked me the fuck out.

Then I woke up in a puddle of my own puke and blood.

Shakespeare.

And then I raped a lady.

She does that a lot.

Yeah, that's rough.

He's not afraid to, yeah.

Jesus.

Wow.

She's in the book.

Jesus, yeah, for sure.

For sure.

Maybe the greatest writer of all time.

What's some prose?

Ah, he was fucking drunk at a bar, and this fucking ugly motherfucker, I punched him.

No, he puts out little gay poems.

He writes little poems that I like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is cool.

It's cool.

It's a good episode.

Yeah.

That was fun.

Thank you guys.

See you soon on the Patreon.