Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)

Speaker 1 Wow! Wow, wow, Wes. Maybe I'm allergic to alternaria.

Speaker 1 Give me an alternaria outbreak. Fucking bullshit.

Speaker 1 All right. Hey.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Fucking alternaria.
I hope it's not. I don't even know what that is.
Do you know dust mites, when you're allergic to dust mites, you're actually allergic to their poop?

Speaker 1 That's what gets you there. Everybody even considered their poop.
Not me either. I actually have a dust mite allergy, and it's the fuck I was breathing in their poop that was getting me.

Speaker 1 They know bugs pooped. Yeah, they fucking poop.
Yeah. Everything, everybody poops, bro.

Speaker 1 They do eat. Yeah.
Yeah, if you eat you, poop. Now, what were you saying about Trump?

Speaker 1 Old liberal-ass U-ass motherfucker.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to be peaceful. He brought peace to the Middle East, dude.

Speaker 1 You got to give to me in his problems. He's hot dogging, dude.
Is he hot dogging man? Have you seen him at all?

Speaker 1 I've saw the articles. I haven't seen his talks.
He's a hot dog. I saw him call that lady beautiful.
That was

Speaker 1 part of his part of his victory laugh. He's like, like, yo, what's up? We got a bad bitch behind me.
If you don't mind me saying you're a bad bitch anyway, suck my dick, everybody.

Speaker 1 I knew I could do it. And every other world leader is like, fuck it.
Yeah, he did it. He fucking did it.

Speaker 1 I mean, I always said before, that'd be nice if we just tricked all the billionaires into being like, dude, if you like, you know who's the best.

Speaker 1 If you really, truly give away like a billion bucks, you're the man. They're like, I'll fucking do that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Trump being like, you won't bring peace to the Middle East, you pussy. He's like, watch me, bitch.
For real. It's kind of nice.
He's, yeah, he's also, I mean, he's putting out great clips this week.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah, it's

Speaker 1 feeling good. Everybody's kind of, the media is kind of on it.
Like,

Speaker 1 they're like, we got to give you credit for this. And he's like, yeah, that's what the fuck I thought.

Speaker 1 But there's one there like,

Speaker 1 because he had mentioned before about if he can do this, he might be able to get into heaven. Did you hear that one?

Speaker 1 There was a reporter this time on Air Force One. It was like, do you think you're going to get into heaven now? And he was like, nah, I don't think I'm ever getting into heaven, but

Speaker 1 dang. It's just a beast.

Speaker 1 That's so funny. He's like, I don't think I'm ever going to get into heaven, but I'm just going to try to help as many people as I can.

Speaker 1 And it was like, Don, you have no idea how Christ like that actually was. Yeah, true.
That's the actual message, brother. True.
You accidentally stumbled upon the real message. Damn.

Speaker 1 How many people have Christ deported?

Speaker 1 What? How many people has Christ deported?

Speaker 1 A bunch of Jews at the temple.

Speaker 1 When he was mad, yeah, that one time. Per capita, he deported a lot.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can't even give him his flowers for 10 seconds. I gave him his flowers.
I've been giving him his flowers all week. But it's all right.
Bring the government back.

Speaker 1 How do you feel about the National Guard?

Speaker 1 Didn't the Dems shut it down? No.

Speaker 1 The Dems can't shut it down.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? They don't have enough power to shut down the government. It's a pub shut down.
Is it a pub shutdown? The pub controls every day. They still control all the seats.

Speaker 1 It shuts down constantly. And everyone's like, the government shut down and nobody cares.
It's like, because it's shut down down 50 fucking times.

Speaker 1 It never affects shit because I don't work for the government. If I work for the government, I'd be like, fuck, my job's closed right now.

Speaker 1 I don't work for the government. That's so nice.
So when it shuts down, I'm like, what am I not going to get parking tickets? Good.

Speaker 1 I don't care if the government shuts down. Sorry.
I'll tell you when it does affect me is

Speaker 1 when there's no flyover at the

Speaker 1 Oklahoma, Texas game. Okay, that's fucking bullshit.
And there was supposed to be a flyover at the Notre Dame game. That's fucking bullshit.
And I think F-35s. I was excited about that.

Speaker 1 They, for real, canceled it because the government shutdown? Government shutdown. No flyovers.

Speaker 1 I think somebody said that.

Speaker 1 Trump?

Speaker 1 Trump?

Speaker 1 Explain yourself. Fucking Middle East, dude.
You're using flyovers.

Speaker 1 Could we have flown one plane to the Middle East and open the state? Can you see if I'm right about the government shutdown? The government shutdown affecting my college football flyovers.

Speaker 1 They were so hyped for that, too.

Speaker 1 They was nothing better.

Speaker 1 There's nothing better. I'm sorry, for real.
I'm really sorry.

Speaker 1 That's fucking fucking bullshit. Hell yeah, Jinx.

Speaker 1 Government shutdown? Takes away flyovers?

Speaker 1 We can't have this.

Speaker 2 Yes, it can affect military flyovers at sporting events.

Speaker 1 Did Chuck Schumer have anything to do with this shutdown?

Speaker 1 I looked that up, too.

Speaker 2 This says it was...

Speaker 2 They basically blamed both parties on this one, but it goes back and forth.

Speaker 1 If that was a liberal rag, I'm sure it just means it was the left. You can't blame the Dems.
They don't have enough...

Speaker 2 Well, they motioned for something in Congress, and then that led to a shutdown, and the Republics did the same thing. So it's kind of like.

Speaker 1 You know what we're confidently forgetting about? The list.

Speaker 1 He brought peace to the Middle East, and we forget about the damn list.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, dude, it's still bad. Although

Speaker 1 it's good he brought peace to the Middle East. It's withstanding, you know? Yeah, the scales of justice are tipping in his side.
You're a little 6'7 there.

Speaker 1 That's how old the kids were. Yeah.

Speaker 1 At what point do you say, like,

Speaker 1 fuck, man? All right. Well,

Speaker 1 never. We'll erase you off there.

Speaker 1 We'll let you erase yourself off there.

Speaker 1 Still need to list, but shout out to peace in the Middle East for now. Shout out to Peace.
Yeah. Bill Clinton came out and was like, nice.
Nice work. And Trump was like, dude, Bill's the man.

Speaker 1 So sad. Not a good thing to say during the fucking list.

Speaker 1 I don't want to send his wife to jail anymore.

Speaker 1 Dude, yeah,

Speaker 1 I know a lot of the people, I don't even know what it's called, his D-O-J or D-D-O-J, have been getting pressed because didn't they're like alleging that someone, the Trump administration basically was like, let me know if my name comes up in that thing.

Speaker 1 And they'll ask them point blank and they'll be like, I'm not playing these stupid games with you guys.

Speaker 1 Cash Majelle, you guys can play games all day. What about the fucking crime in the cities with Democrat mayors? How about that?

Speaker 1 Honestly, he's like talking to my dad.

Speaker 1 Just answer the question. Go home to get a dad.
Trump's a fucking pervert. He goes, Yeah.
All right. Well, why don't you go hang out in Chicago? Tell me how that goes.

Speaker 1 Fucking Democrat bullshit.

Speaker 1 My brother's been calling my parents Dems. It's been pissing them off.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Joseph a cleaning lady from Ecuador.

Speaker 1 Cleaning lady? Oh, man. He goes, dude, how about you get some fucking Americans in here? You guys, they're like busting his balls about shit.
He goes, you guys are fucking Dems, man. Classy.

Speaker 1 Oh, you think I'm a fucking Dem? My dad gets so mad. Dem is insulting, dude.
He kills him, dude.

Speaker 1 I've that kid at Florida State said, I looked like I voted for Biden a while ago, and it's stuck with me. Yeah, it's been four years.
I was trying to parallel. Yeah, it was a killer insult.

Speaker 1 He was on a parallel park. He was on a balcony, bro.
The what? He was a frat kid from Florida State on a balcony, and he yelled down at us.

Speaker 1 I got demed by a tow truck driver, which at least is a little better, but I was trying to parallel park, and it wasn't fast enough for him. He's like, driving like a fucking Democrat and zoomed off.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I gotta be honest, damn,

Speaker 1 a working collar or a blue collar man. That hurts.
Yeah, it hurt me, man. I had like a just a pussy frack kid.
That's what I'm saying. That's you could take that.

Speaker 1 Although that kind of hurts even more, yeah, that hurts more, too. Then you're like, I'm a tow truck driver.
I was like, you got me, bro. You're lucky I don't come up there and beat your ass.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know. I'm like terrible.
Do you ever like go get your car back from one of those places? Yeah. It's all just tinted out glass.
Junkyard by the

Speaker 1 dude. It's like, yeah, there's just guys on meth fucking fighting over junk cars.
I'm like, you guys, whatever you say, yes. Yes, sir.

Speaker 1 College kid, you would kick it around being like, I should have fucking punched him in his fucking. Yeah, but he was at a party up on a balcony.

Speaker 1 It's like, dude, what do you want me? Like, I'll come up there and get my ass kicked by 20 hot guys.

Speaker 1 Throwing something, you should have thrown something. Throwing something out.
Too high.

Speaker 1 Oh, you would have missed. Would have been short.
He would have been like classic Biden motor.

Speaker 1 It would have been short.

Speaker 1 Forget it. That would have been brutal, dude.
Way worse. Just having a beer bottle fall down back towards you like fuck.
20 feet in the air, max.

Speaker 1 Slips out the bottom of the bottom.

Speaker 1 Look like Kirk Ring from the Phillies trying to get it home.

Speaker 1 Just a girl throw for no reason.

Speaker 1 It's an MLB pitcher. Why did it look like a girl throw?

Speaker 1 Damn, dude, that was a tough Philly week. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That sucked. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That Longhorn sooner game was very fun. Hook them.
Oh, yeah. Hook him.
Yeah, you guys are Longhorn fans now? Yeah. Shout out.
You got to pick a college team eventually. Yeah, I think I can't go two.

Speaker 1 I can't go Bama and Longhorn. You can't go Bama.
Bama was fun. He's such a bitch.
Are we both in the SEC, though? Yeah. You got to pick one.
Same division.

Speaker 1 You guys hate me, dude. Bama's a crazy pick.
My real friends pick Notre Dame.

Speaker 1 How'd they do this week, by the way? They're still rolling, bro.

Speaker 1 This is a big one this week, though. USC.

Speaker 1 The Trojans. The Trojans are coming to town.
I don't like the Irish guy. What? You don't like the left guy? I don't like their logo.

Speaker 1 It's an all-time classic logo. Everybody likes the logo.
I don't know. I'll be honest, that makes it a little tough for me, too.
The fighting Irish.

Speaker 1 I got to say go Irish all the time.

Speaker 1 So you picked the two most racist schools.

Speaker 1 Nobody beat up the clan and marched with Dr. King.
Come on, man.

Speaker 1 Side by side. Arms locked with Dr.
Kang. Yeah, but do they have Bevo? You guys got a Bevo?

Speaker 1 no we did have a a little tiny dog named clashmore mike who used to rock i would be awesome clashmore mike yeah

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 we gotta bring back clashmore mike bring him back i don't know how there's still so much to learn about notre dame i thought i knew all the stuff i didn't know they had a tiny dog named clashmore mike it's like as old as the country it's really i mean 100 years later but yeah yeah true it's fucking from the 1800s dang yeah there's a lot of history Damn, so football, they pre-existed football.

Speaker 1 They were there before football. Yeah.
That's crazy. Yeah.

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Speaker 1 Prize picks. It's good to be right.
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Speaker 1 Alabama, that's a crazy pick, bro.

Speaker 1 He picked it, yeah, and they were the best in the world at the time. Well, that's the real reason why I don't want to do it.

Speaker 1 The only reason I picked him, I don't follow college at all, but we went to two bad games, and they were, I mean, it was hype as hell. It was a good time.
That makes sense.

Speaker 1 But yes, not yesterday, Saturday was just as good, though. Like, I can't.
I can't. I was trying very hard not to pick a side, but that punt returned, and then they were like, fire the cannon.

Speaker 1 I got to fire the cannon.

Speaker 1 Who let you fire the cannon?

Speaker 1 All of them. What? Every single.
Yeah. Fired it for the game.
Fire it for the touchdown.

Speaker 1 And then Governor Abbott came over.

Speaker 1 What was the government up to? The gov was chilling, dude. That's what's up.
I don't know any of his policies other than I said, give me back my porn.

Speaker 1 No, you know what he did that was kind of noble. They tried to nix the uh like THC farm bill thing, and he came up to him and he was like, No, dude, his security had to pull me off of him.

Speaker 1 I grabbed him by his scruff. I said, You better give me my home.

Speaker 1 And they pulled me out. Just give me one site.
Like six guys were pulling me. I was like, get the fuck off, man.
Give me the hub.

Speaker 1 Give me back my hub.

Speaker 1 I'm tired of going on X videos and seeing the weirdest shit I've ever seen.

Speaker 1 So sick of it, dude. I don't want to see any more Brazilians in a warehouse.
They're making it. It's made it so much worse.

Speaker 1 What? Going on.

Speaker 1 Having to go to X videos or whatever the other. You got to find the shadiest.
Yeah, you're in the speakeasy, you know.

Speaker 1 It's prohibition, isn't it? You're not like out long abortion. TBH.

Speaker 1 You have a wire hanger. Now I'm in a fucking alley.

Speaker 1 Now I'm dealing with shady customers.

Speaker 1 You're in a hotel. I'm not lying, dude.
I think they toss CP in the thumbnails sometimes. What? I swear.
Yeesh. You fly past past it.

Speaker 1 I do think there's way more CP on just all the sites than anyone likes to admit.

Speaker 1 They skirt the edge. I don't think I saw it on the hub.
Dude, they skirt the edge. I was searching.

Speaker 1 I remember I was off for a while. And then like months ago, I like, it was like the, I don't know, but I went on the hub and it was like, they were hitting me with like the youngest.

Speaker 1 And I was like, bro, this is like so fucking close. They're young babes, yeah, dude.
They're fucking barely legal. That's a genre, yeah.

Speaker 1 But it was like it was the main feed, and it was kind of, I was like, dude, this looks like

Speaker 1 maybe I was getting older, but I'm like, dang, hub, what the hell are you doing? I don't like how white porn hub is. Their top videos are always white ladies.
That's because

Speaker 1 it's a lot of white people. Well, there are finally some common ground, dude.

Speaker 1 I had the same complaint.

Speaker 1 I'm being honest, man. I'm going to be honest, it is all white ladies, but a lot of black fellas are

Speaker 1 sneaking in there.

Speaker 1 A little over-represents, you know.

Speaker 1 Every time there's a porn with one white lady, there's like four black guys. I don't understand.

Speaker 1 I don't understand. Why does she need a yard of dick?

Speaker 1 It's not every time. That's your algo, bro.
Huh? That's just your algo.

Speaker 1 She's lost.

Speaker 1 You got into lost in the hood? Yeah.

Speaker 1 My daddy dropped me off in the wrong neighborhood.

Speaker 1 I saw a video recently of a guy talking about, it was just like an unk in a car getting filmed, just talking about like the rules for partying on a chick, which is, you know, just running a train.

Speaker 1 Dude, it was, it was like, never mention another man's hook, no matter what. Don't even look at another man's hook.
Condon's hooks?

Speaker 1 Nice. It's really nice.
One time, my friend, someone, or he said

Speaker 1 they were partying on a babe, and he said his friend grabbed her head because the friend was hitting from behind. He was getting hit, and the friend grabbed her head and was pushing for it.

Speaker 1 And he goes, what the hell? He's like, I got to get the hell up out of there. That was the weirdest shit in the world.

Speaker 1 God damn it. Kind of like he was doing it.
Right.

Speaker 1 It was so. And the guy was like, what about that one time? He goes, I told you that in confidence.
I don't want to talk about it. What happened? But the friend pushed in the back of the head.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's rules for partying on a bitch yeah but i love the term partying on a bitch party on a bitch is crazy it's nothing as a big 36 mafia fan it's almost every single song

Speaker 1 every single the whole the the the chorus can be the most uplifting like yeah you gotta change your life get your money right you can do anything and that goes straight into a verse of like me and my boys partied on a bitch

Speaker 1 two in the front three in the back everybody jizzing on a bitch you're like all right

Speaker 1 changes the whole song

Speaker 1 I don't know. Maybe it's one of those things don't knock it till you try it.
Could be the ultimate bonding experience. That's how me and my boys all we got all of our, yeah.

Speaker 1 We always partied on a bitch at the beginning. Yeah.
Hand jobs, fingering, both partied on a bitch. It's kind of nice.

Speaker 1 Just put like third base partying.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's kind of nice.
Third base partying is actually very challenging.

Speaker 1 Never a sexual intercourse partying. You didn't bust out your hooks.
No, nobody's. Well, I mean, technically the hooks were out

Speaker 1 for the HJs, but it was dark. The HJs, it was dark.
Did you grab a wrist and just. We partied.
Yeah, I helped my boy up.

Speaker 1 Told you I didn't want to talk about this.

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Speaker 1 dude i uh speaking of powerful black man i saw t payne at uh acl i saw uh some videos of his dancing it looked very nice dude he is an absolute master of the craft he came out uh first of all i got

Speaker 1 I i was planning on eating some mushrooms and going there. And then, you know, I was like sending feelers out.
Everyone's like, man, I'm good on that.

Speaker 1 So I was like, I'll take like a micro, like a little bit, like a little micro dose. But then I pigged on edibles.
Dude, I forgot when you combine those things, they it fucking warps you.

Speaker 1 I was going through security and I was, it like hit me in the Uber, and I was just sitting there just like,

Speaker 1 oh no, people, everyone's talking to me, and they're like, yeah, this one. And I was, I couldn't like make, I could get like three words at a time.
And I kept being like, uh-uh.

Speaker 1 And I was just keeping it cool because I ate them before everybody else. I've seen you high as shit.
You do keep it cool. I kept it cool.
I kept it.

Speaker 1 I was on

Speaker 1 the worst is over. We're fine now.

Speaker 1 You've been in the Uber for three minutes.

Speaker 1 I for real kept it ice, man. I was sitting there.
You have to. If no one else was

Speaker 1 high. I thought they were hitting the wine, though.
No, there was some wine. There was also, I got back, and like, I was, I had the edibles, so I ate them first.
So then I gave them out later.

Speaker 1 And I also was on the microdose from earlier. So it like, they hit me fast.
And then, uh, and I had, like, I was drinking like a weed drink and I'm in the car.

Speaker 1 I'm just kind of like, oh, shit, this is actually, this might be a problem. And then we had to go through that line and my fucking wristband didn't work.

Speaker 1 So I had to get like, I don't know, go to another place. I was just being carted from point to point.
We had a park. We had to walk, get out of that line.

Speaker 1 And I'm like just going to checkpoint to checkpoint, all confused. And like everything I, it wasn't like cool either.
Like I didn't have any like cool, fun thoughts. I was like a dog being high.

Speaker 1 I was just like,

Speaker 1 oh, fuck, that's weird. Just looking around.
And then my wristband got fixed. And then I forgot.
I was like in line to get in.

Speaker 1 They're like, oh, you have the rest of the edibles for our, we had people in there and I was like dog great like I didn't want to know I ate all the edibles well they had I did have them in my pocket so I just smuggled them in which isn't a big deal yeah but I was so high that I was like all right dude be cool about this and I like go through and I get stuff out of my pockets and I have like a plastic bag in my back pocket and the lady's like is everything out of your pockets and I was like oh yes I believe so and I smacked my pockets down as like

Speaker 1 symbolic literally you hear a plastic bag squish and I was like oh shoot and I like my I had electrolytes for some reason they fell. And I was like, That's what I was looking for.

Speaker 1 And I put them in, just walk through. Like, it was like I was smuggling in a pound of heroin.
Yeah, fucking three

Speaker 1 tiny little gummies.

Speaker 1 Then I got in there, and all I had, I had a mule, just two chairs the whole time. So I just, it was the only thing that kept me alive.

Speaker 1 Just had these two chairs and just walking through just a mass of people. Finally, dude, they were rocking chairs, folding rocking chairs.

Speaker 1 Dude, once I hit that chair, T-Payne came on. I just got to watch T-Payne in a rocking chair, just just completely incapacitated.
I'd be. He brought me to life.
That guy brought me back to life.

Speaker 1 Such a whiny bitch if I had to do all that. Oh, I would, it was.
I'd be furious. I'd be like, I'm never doing this again.
There's 10 million people here. It's 100 degrees.

Speaker 1 It was nice. I saw a video of it and I saw the crowd and I was like, I will never, never.

Speaker 1 During the day, we took the kids during the day. That was fucking hot.
But

Speaker 1 they have like, it's called the Austin Kitty Limits, and they had a giant drum circle for the kids. Dude, I got to, I sat in on the drum circle.

Speaker 1 I might try to start those things off, dude. It was the best.

Speaker 1 Drum circles are the best, dude. I swear to God.
Oh, they are.

Speaker 1 Dude, the guys, those guys that are good. Then you just get to do a little bit, and then you start to kind of show off a little bit.
When it works out, you're like, I might be the coolest guy.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, it's the best. I was trying, my kids kept being like, we don't want to do this.
I was like, get over here now.

Speaker 1 And I was sitting there like, come on, man, don't make me, don't leave me here.

Speaker 1 And the kid drum circle.

Speaker 1 It was chill. Drum circles.
You were hitting some solos? No, no, no. I wasn't picking out.
I was just trying to just keep it going.

Speaker 1 I'd give a little flare every now and again, but there was guys that were like genuine, like real percussion. Give a little flare, wink at one of the kids, and be like, you like that shit?

Speaker 1 Literally, Mike. What's your little bitch-ass dad?

Speaker 1 Can't drum like this.

Speaker 1 Not a big deal. But no, T-Pain's real.
Master, bro. Yeah, he is.
He, dude, he put in like, it's like a real production. The whole thing, there's dance.
He talks. He fucks.
He jokes. He does.

Speaker 1 He is funny. Yeah, he's very funny.
He's kind of, and I say this respectfully. He's a fucking nerd.
He's a giant nerd in heart. And I could tell.
Did he do Warpigs?

Speaker 1 I was hoping he did. He did fucking Journey.
Oh, nice. He talked for a while, too.
He had some jokes in there. He humps, dude.
He humps the air like crazy.

Speaker 1 Bro, he fucking daggers up there. Yeah.
And he has like, it's like time perfectly where the music's like, boom, boom, boom. He's just air humping as hard as he can.

Speaker 1 Complains about being out of breath the whole time. It's really funny.
Yeah, he was in a leather suit. I saw that.
He must have been fucking dying.

Speaker 1 That was amazing. We went there and then caught that one killer song and then left.
Killers lead out with their biggest hit, which is wild. Really? Start with the closing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that got the place fucking bumping. Damn, dude.
But no, those chairs, man, Brittany kept trying to take one from me, and I'm like, don't touch them. I was like, I need equal weights.
Get off me.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 It was like my one. I need a job.
When I get that high, I need like a task. Otherwise, I fucking freak out.
You just changed my life, though. I didn't know they had portable rocking chairs.

Speaker 1 Bro, they, it was. That's like good shit right there.
Well, it was funny, everyone were with and nobody really brought chairs. So I was like, just sit, everyone was standing.

Speaker 1 I was just at everyone's like butt level, just like, oh,

Speaker 1 they're so fucking good.

Speaker 1 Dude, I didn't realize how good it was. That was literally all I did.
Of course. This is like a genuine performance.
Yeah, yeah. This is a real, he's really thought this out.
I like this.

Speaker 1 And then it finally broke. I remember I saw my phone.
It was 6 p.m. I went, all right.

Speaker 1 If this gets any worse, I'm fucked. But I have two hours, I just got to grin down.
I got to bear down. I learned that Chicago thing this weekend, bear down.

Speaker 1 Oh, nice. Yeah, I just learned that.
That's pretty sick. But the uh, yeah, I had to bear down big time in the rocking chair, and it was

Speaker 1 losing in the fourth, hmm, bearing down. No, they won.
Shit, they're doing all right.

Speaker 1 That was a good joke, though. I heard that was good.

Speaker 1 No, it was good.

Speaker 1 They got the win. Yeah, that's uh, that's a wonderful experience.
It was, man. I was supposed to go.
I was, I,

Speaker 1 a couple guys I know, the Benz, they were playing at 5.30 on Sunday.

Speaker 1 I must have just missed them. Yeah, Saturday was a disaster.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We got in the car. We had to leave at 7.30 to get out there.

Speaker 1 9.59.

Speaker 1 Nate Marshall says, let's have a beer. We're safe.
Fellas, it's going to be a long one. 9.59, hey.
Perfect time.

Speaker 1 It was a perfect time. It was.
That set us up for

Speaker 1 14 hours of drinking.

Speaker 1 Was there any hugers involved to keep the thing going?

Speaker 1 I was on the way back.

Speaker 1 I was in the Spritter Van on the way home. We were all going, I'm a little sleepy.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's the only one way you can drink for 14 hours. Amphetamines.
We hit the Bucks, too. The Hugers?

Speaker 1 The Beezers. Dude, the Beezer article, you sent me.

Speaker 1 Favorite thing I've ever seen. It was great.
Who is the beezer? Who is the bees? There's some like

Speaker 1 AI article about Kyla. And they're like, is Kyla Fox married? It's like, she's rumored to be dating a man named The Beezer.

Speaker 1 Whoever that is. Who is the Beezer? This mysterious man.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. But no, the game was fucking sick.
I had a nice moment.

Speaker 1 We were down on the field at the beginning, which was very sick, except it was 150 degrees. So it was like,

Speaker 1 man, we got to get into that, get into that suite. Thank God we had a sweet because it was hot as fuck out there.

Speaker 1 Get in there. I'm pretty sure I see Baker Mayfield.
Really? Legendary Oklahoma quarterback. So I say, he must be him.

Speaker 1 Didn't even think, oh, he's got a game tomorrow.

Speaker 1 What? I said, he had a game Sunday. Obviously, it's not him.
So I walk over. I walk over to this dude.
And while I'm walking, I'm like, obviously, that's not Baker. Maybe I can see him now.

Speaker 1 So I just walk over to this group of people, and I'm like, hey, how are you? Just want to say hi. We're in the suite together.
Just want to have a good day. Huh? How about that?

Speaker 1 Just walked away.

Speaker 1 Like, man, that guy's nice. Did you ever have a thing where you think someone's saying hi to you because they recognize you, but they're not?

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's happened to me before.
It's very embarrassing where a guy will say something, have headphones in. I'll be like, hey, how are you? And they're like, hey, the fuck.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, oh, shit, my bad. Sorry about that.

Speaker 1 I thought you were my friend from the internet, but you're not. Or

Speaker 1 my bad. Eye contact with people walking on the street.
You're like, yep.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's me.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck are you, dude?

Speaker 1 Fucking retarded guy that walks around my neighborhood.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, it's me.

Speaker 1 Get over it. No autographs.

Speaker 1 Well, you want a picture of something? Come here.

Speaker 1 It's like an old Indian couple. You're like, yeah, yeah, get it in.
All right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that happens.

Speaker 1 Have to be bad. I got like almost startled, too, because I was like, I had headphones in.
I heard someone say hello, like, right next to me. And I was like, hey, how are you doing?

Speaker 1 The guy was like, what the fuck? And I was like, oh, shit. The worst is when people come up and they act like you're actually friends.
Yeah. You know what I mean? I kind of like.

Speaker 1 He's like, hey, what's going on, man? How are you? You're like, what's going on with you, dude? I haven't seen you in forever.

Speaker 1 Pure politeness. I'm like, dude, how's everything going? Well, I kind of, I was in line.
I think this was like last year. I was getting,

Speaker 1 just at like an outdoor like brewery place and I met someone in line. We had a long line.
But the nice thing was we were able to talk. Like we were on the same page.

Speaker 1 Like he started asking me questions. We like just jumped into immediate conversation, which was kind of nice.
Yeah. Kind of killed the line time.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it is funny how much you can talk to a dude who listens to the podcast. He's like, yo, how's this? How's that? How's this? I'm like, oh, dude.
Yeah. I just assume it's somebody I met.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm just like, this guy probably does comedy or I probably met him.

Speaker 1 She's like, so how is everything? What's going on, man? I haven't seen you in so long.

Speaker 1 I'm so fucking sad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I'm all right.

Speaker 1 Your parents are alive? Good.

Speaker 1 Man. Le Maire.
I've been worried about that. What? The parents' stuff.
Yeah, dude. Every time I go home, they're like older.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Come on.
Yeah. It's tough, man.
If it exit velocity. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The speed is only increasing, dude. They're launching.
It's got to be crazy, too, for like, because I feel like black people don't age as fast.

Speaker 1 Once they start, it's like. dang, yeah, once they start, it's a race.
That shit happens. It happens so fast.
Phil's not helping himself. Yeah.
He's uh,

Speaker 1 hopefully, they don't watch this. They're trying to surprise me.
They're going to Vegas this weekend. Ooh, the fuck is he doing going to Vegas? Partying down.
I know. Like, he's trying to surprise me.

Speaker 1 He still thinks I don't know. Oh, really? But my manager blew it.
She was like, and you want an extra room for Phil?

Speaker 1 I was like,

Speaker 1 sure. I didn't even think he's coming, but

Speaker 1 Phil needs to chill. Yeah, he's fucking Vegas.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know how he gets down, too. That's 4 a.m.
gambling. Oh, no.
I forgot he's got the bug. He's got the bug.
He's got both bugs.

Speaker 1 Booze and gambling.

Speaker 1 The best bugs. No offense to anybody struggling with it.
Yeah, getting drunk. No, getting drunk and just gambling recklessly.

Speaker 1 I know it ruins people's lives sometimes, but it is fun when you're locked in on the table and you're getting brave. He doesn't gamble recklessly at all.
Yeah, yeah, he's good.

Speaker 1 It could ruin ruin your life or change your life. True.
And he's good at drinking. Yeah.
Like

Speaker 1 he's got it down. Like AM, when we went to the Notre Dame, Texas AM game, he was the one that was, he was fine.
Yeah. I was like, dad, it's late.
We have to go home. He was like, come on.

Speaker 1 I'm going to have a beer. Shut up.
What would he have said about that 9 a.m. twist off? He would have been right there.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But he's able to somehow pace himself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he would have paced. Gotcha.

Speaker 1 I can't pace. I have a hard time pacing all day.

Speaker 1 I'm like, i just the problem with pacing all day is you start getting sleepy yeah and you can either turn on the jets or call it a day true and you know me dude i lean if i do a day if i do a long day drink i lean on the weed real hard

Speaker 1 i just get real if i'm getting like does anyone have any nas

Speaker 1 just a little bit of nas i do the opposite i take it i i try to eat edibles if i'm getting drunk during the day i end it with like because i get real brave with the edibles when i'm drunk and then i just end up on absolute Pluto.

Speaker 1 And it's, you know, that's a good way to leave, though. Yeah.
You go, I'm, I can't be here anymore. Yeah, it's how you end up with a, I'll kind of like rock it out.

Speaker 1 When I'm that drunk, it just becomes, I feel like I'm in a video game at that point. That's how I ended up kind of heckling a Boston cemetery tour.
Just stand outside and be like, yo, let us in.

Speaker 1 Fuck some fucking bullshit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, me and my cousin heckled the Pauler Veer tour in Boston. It was pretty fun.
Yeah. It's like, we just got to stand outside.
This is bullshit, guys.

Speaker 1 And everyone's like, what the fuck are you crazy?

Speaker 1 Sorry, guys, you're here for my podcast. Sorry about that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you guys probably know me.

Speaker 1 Sold out Laugh Boston last year. I don't know if you guys recognize me.
You guys might recognize me

Speaker 1 from Laugh Boston. Yeah, I featured for Soda here about four years ago.
You guys probably remember that.

Speaker 1 Fucking killed.

Speaker 1 I missed the bus.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, Lamar.

Speaker 1 I knew somebody in the group wasn't going to make it. The odds-on-favorite did miss the bus.

Speaker 1 The 7.30 a.m. What bus did you have to take? We took a sprinter bin

Speaker 1 to and from the game. Dude.

Speaker 1 Well, because the night before. He was just chasing it down with his lunchbox.

Speaker 1 The night before, I went to the creek and I had a hoot.

Speaker 1 That's a huge mistake.

Speaker 1 7.30 a.m. It was 2 o'clock in the morning.

Speaker 1 I'm going to stay up. And then an hour later, I was like, I'm going to sleep.
And then

Speaker 1 I had a bunch of alarms. You were going to sleep? I was going to go no sleep.
That was crazy. Have you ever done that? No,

Speaker 1 I was trying to make up the ultimate 72-hour buzz.

Speaker 1 You know, I was trying to figure it out, but it didn't matter. No, you're missing crack cocaine.
This is what you need.

Speaker 1 You can't just not sleep.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Never mind.

Speaker 1 Usually the idea for the all-nighter comes from the Nas. True.

Speaker 1 I wasn't on the Nas. I can make this draw range.
America's going to light his hair on fire on stage, dude. Like the great.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
You know, he did that with like cream. Like,

Speaker 1 you know, when he did that, he was doing it with rum and like cotton because he didn't want butane in his crack.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait. He would dip like cotton in some really high-proof rum, and then he would light that, and then he would light the crack pipe.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 And then he was like, hi, and he was like what the hell he was like why am i even doing this and he started pouring the rum on himself he lit one more pipe and then

Speaker 1 he went up in flames damn he like kind of self-immolated yeah yeah dude richard pryer is crazy as yeah i think it was i think it was kind of an attempt whoa yeah dang yeah i don't think you accidentally got your full body on fire michael yeah oh he got his full bod yeah he was like running down the street wasn't he scramping down the street yeah he was running down the street yeah

Speaker 1 luckily that rum burns off fast Yeah. I mean, I don't know about skin though.
I mean, it's hot, yeah. Well, they do like a cool drink at a bar.

Speaker 1 It's like, you know, it doesn't have the staying power, but that still must have sucked. Yeah.
That's the dumbest shit ever. You trying to burn yourself? No.
Well, of course that.

Speaker 1 The drinks, the fire drinks. I can't stand them.
Every time.

Speaker 1 Who's doing it? When I see them from afar, they do look cool. When I was in, I was in Brazil.
There were so many videos of people just going

Speaker 1 flamethrowing the guy next to them. Dude, when I was in Brazil, they did a thing where they lit alcohol on fire and trapped the smoke, and you could smoke the alcohol under the glass.

Speaker 1 It was kind of sick. Did it work? I don't really.
I was fucking shit-faced.

Speaker 1 I remember just being like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 So I'll have to try that again and report back. I'd imagine it.
I think it tastes pretty bad. Yeah.
Do you know what I just, speaking of fucking smoking, you know what I came across recently? What?

Speaker 1 Vapes for cigarettes.

Speaker 1 You stick a cigarette in a vape, and then you smoke the cig through a vape. It's fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 No, I think you can just rip anything through there. I'm going to go.
You probably know. Because I guess so that you don't get like the nicotine juice.
So it really tastes like a sig.

Speaker 1 It's just burning at a lower temperature. So you're not getting all the impurities.
So they do it with weed.

Speaker 1 They find out what temperature nicotine burns off. So that way you burn it off at just that temperature.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't you inhale all the impurities eventually if you finish the cigarette? I don't think so. Where would it all go? Because

Speaker 1 they do it for weed. So

Speaker 1 THC burns off at whatever it is, like 250 degrees or 300 degrees.

Speaker 1 So, the THC burns, but the plant material doesn't burn, and a lot of the impurities are in the plant material itself, not the nicotine. So, you burn off at the, I don't know, whatever.
Right?

Speaker 1 Shit was crazy. I smoked, I smoked on it.
Really? Yeah, I tried to try it. I was like, I'm kind of curious, but it's fucking weird.

Speaker 1 Is it add ACL? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 somebody passed that gun just

Speaker 1 like that. That's an unhealthy cigarette.

Speaker 1 I hope you're enjoying your Michelob Ultra. I didn't want anything, I didn't want anything to do with it.
We're 45 watching T-Pain.

Speaker 1 Just try it. Try to smoke one cigarette as a group.
Well, dude, I was like, I don't really want this. And they were like, just try it.
And I was like, man, true. I should try it.
It's all it takes.

Speaker 1 Just try it. And I took one drag of it.
And I'm like, that is like a slightly less, you know, harsh cigarette. Still is a sick.
It doesn't taste great at all.

Speaker 1 So, Sean, if you want to get healthy, the cigarette vape is sick.

Speaker 1 No, thank you.

Speaker 1 Now you get a ton of pussy vaping a cigarette

Speaker 1 you know one of the cooler things you can do what if you made it gay as fuck

Speaker 1 slide it out of your leather jacket have you seen them

Speaker 2 they're really big in europe in italy i saw a bunch of them but they're like tiny little nubs and you put them in a machine and you like kind of hit it like that i wonder if it's the same that's exactly what it was you slide the sig right in so those are like different sigs though because i tried to smoke one of those sigs without just like lighting it and it was really really really bad.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. I don't know.
They were some Brits. They were some Brits who put me onto it.

Speaker 2 It's like a Europe thing.

Speaker 1 But what do you got to do? Like a slim or like a straight up vape sig? Oh, maybe you got to roll your own.

Speaker 2 No, it's like special like a jewel pod almost, but they're like little... They look like cigarette butts.

Speaker 1 Gotcha. And they have a little tobacco in them.
I could have sworn this was a full cigarette, bro. Could be.
I could be wrong. I don't know.
Yeah, maybe the technology has increased.

Speaker 2 innovation.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, just look out for that. It's something to look forward to.
If you're gonna look out for that, I'll be you're gonna. Everyone's gonna cross a vape cigarette, it's coming for you.

Speaker 1 Certainly, you're gonna go, I'm good, try it. You go, fuck, what the hell? Yeah,

Speaker 1 try it out. You go, yeah, okay, well, that's great.
Just go straight back to SIGs. Yeah, I should probably start smoking sigs.
Yeah, my brother Tom's fighting the SIG demon right now.

Speaker 1 I smoke SIGs gay. That's my problem.
What do you mean? My hand. I don't know how to.

Speaker 1 It's very like

Speaker 1 I'm not good at it. You smoke them like an old barfly? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something, honey. I had to smoke a cig in that movie I just did, and the guy was like, don't hold it like that.
Hold it like this. He's like, it's a lot cooler.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
This is you. If you hold it like this.
I go, this is how I do it. Yeah, like a fucking diplomat.

Speaker 1 You smoke cigarettes like a diplomat.

Speaker 1 You're mad making decisions. I think you were right about this.
Is for SIGs. This is for joints.
Only a try-hard smokes a cig. How do you smoke cigs, Guardiani?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a real cigarette smoker. You were right.
You should have told that director to shut the up he would have sent it back i'll smoke them however the fuck i want no that's kind of how it was

Speaker 1 people were going nuts

Speaker 1 shut the up

Speaker 1 i'd be that would make me so nervous i'm already so nervous yeah

Speaker 1 screaming i'd be like i'm going home i'm not doing this i can't deal with people screaming right now supposed to be a really cool scene you're not my dad it was very it was very hot out oh it was it was a it was gonna be a really i hope it comes out nice it was too hot.

Speaker 1 So we were just standing outside. How many times did the films mean the cage? It's a cage, man.

Speaker 1 Together. Yeah, it was pretty sick.
That's huge. But I was supposed to be smoking sigs and I was.
Yeah. Cooler.
He's like, cooler. Do it again.
Cooler this time. Cooler, cooler.

Speaker 1 And then you just keep having to smoke a new one because it was, you know, every take.

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Speaker 1 Guys, I'll be at the Helium Comedy Club, Buffalo, New York, at a 4.30 p.m. Saturday show.
Please come to that. Then Bricktown Comedy Club, Tulsa, Oklahoma, 10.24, 10.25.

Speaker 1 Off the Hook Comedy Club, Naples, Florida, 11.7, 11.8.

Speaker 1 Comedy on State, Madison, Wisconsin,

Speaker 1 I'll be there at 11.14. And Funnybone Comedy Club, Syracuse, 12.19.
And it was that one Missouri River Digit Canada. It was that one.
It was a good room. That's a shot.
Out of biz, bro.

Speaker 1 October 17th and 18th. This weekend, I'll be at Resorts World in Las Vegas.
17th and 18th, Las Vegas. November 7th,

Speaker 1 I'll be in San Francisco. November 8th, I'll be in Sacramento.
What do you think of that, Lamar? I'll be where the Kings play.

Speaker 1 I think.

Speaker 1 Oh, December 4th and 5th, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona, and Phoenix, Arizona.

Speaker 1 Hello. Get in front of the camera.
You gotta hit the camera. You gotta get directed.
You gotta make sure the wires are...

Speaker 2 Oh, shoot.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. Oh, shoot.
There you go. Come on, man.

Speaker 2 I'm coming. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 This is big.

Speaker 1 No one's going to come if you don't get it right.

Speaker 2 Hello. I'll be at

Speaker 2 in Cincinnati on November 29th at the Comet. Please come to that if you can.
And Optimum Noctis is next week and the first and third Tuesday of every month at the Creek in the Cave.

Speaker 2 So please come.

Speaker 1 Tickets are at SeanGardini.com. Last thing we need is his nerd dunks.

Speaker 1 Fogging us, dude.

Speaker 1 It'll be close to the camera.

Speaker 1 Mogged.

Speaker 1 Please come.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Did you watch the Charlie Sheen Netflix thing? I haven't. I heard it's great.
Oh, it's really great. There's a part about Nicholas Cage where

Speaker 1 he goes to the front of a commercial plane and he's like, hey, everybody, this is your pilot speaking, and we're all going to die. Nicholas Cage is? Oh,

Speaker 1 apparently he's a bigger party monster than Sheen himself.

Speaker 1 Cage is an animal. I didn't know he was such a beast party man.
Yeah, I think.

Speaker 1 Like Sheen, I think, from what I heard about the doc, Sheen tips his hat to Cage. He's like, bro.
He does. You think I'm a motherfucker.
Cage is the cage is that guy.

Speaker 1 They had to wean Charlie Sheen off of cocaine.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I heard how they did it. It was pretty great.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. They gave him the dealer kept giving him less and less.
Yeah, and he's like, this shit's not as good.

Speaker 1 I don't even like this anymore.

Speaker 1 What did he call himself? He was a not a, no, an Adonis or something?

Speaker 1 Doesn't he call himself? He's like some sort of mythological. He was like saying he was like one of the Knights Templar for the Catholic Church or something.
Charlie Sheen?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was like smoking crack and being like, I'm basically one of like the papal assassins. Puri, he's like dragon blood.
He's like dragon blood, Adonis. Tiger Blood.
Tiger Blood. That's it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Tiger Blood. Winning.

Speaker 1 Tiger Blood. Wasn't that from a pitcher? Yeah, he said he heard a pitcher.

Speaker 1 He was on the phone with a pitcher, and a pitcher was telling him, You got tiger blood, and nobody can stop you because we're winning.

Speaker 1 And then he did an interview like the next day, and that was just replaying in his head.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, whatever drug makes you think,

Speaker 1 whatever drug makes you think you're a Knight's Templar.

Speaker 1 Toss me some of that.

Speaker 1 Assemble the army.

Speaker 1 That would be so funny. Dude, Saladin is marching on Karak.

Speaker 1 Assemble the army.

Speaker 1 My brother was telling me

Speaker 1 he's been getting into just researching the world religions. And

Speaker 1 now he's on Islam. And he's like, dude, my wife is cool.
I'd had the Gita. I had the Bible on my nightstand.

Speaker 1 Soon as I slap down the Quran, all I'm getting is questions. She's like,

Speaker 1 what is that? What are you doing? What are you doing?

Speaker 1 Yeah, as a babe, you got to be a little sauce there.

Speaker 1 Now, hold on a second. She shook, bro.
Yeah. I'm telling my friend.
The Quran is basically how to be a boss man. Yeah, for real.
It's how to boss up. It's literally his frame.

Speaker 1 It's like how to get frame. I was like, dude, you should go full Muslim and just dominate.
full white Muslim.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was like, dude, you marry. I was like, obviously, don't marry one of your cousins, but get as close as you can for the sister wife.
That is such a boss move. Yeah.

Speaker 1 To just like have a wife and then be like, yo, check it out. It's my other wife and she's my cousin.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm not trying to be Islamophobic. I'm not.
But that's

Speaker 1 what I'm saying. I'm saying for all the like how to be a boss man type shit, you'd think their countries would be doing a little better.

Speaker 1 Shane, they just got peace.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 For all the shit talk I see them do.

Speaker 1 You think they'd be doing a little better.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 they would probably appreciate you pulling them up as brothers and be like, brother,

Speaker 1 you've totally conquered the babes. You got to give them that.

Speaker 1 You guys have conquered the babes. But that's the problem when you're conquering the babes that hard.
It takes up so much of your energy. Yeah.
Dude, imagine that.

Speaker 1 Being like, you know how long it would take me to fucking put a tablecloth on my wife?

Speaker 1 You had a fucking four-hour discussion. Yeah, you wouldn't get anything else done.

Speaker 1 That's your whole day.

Speaker 1 That's your whole week.

Speaker 1 That's 40 fights. More power, too.

Speaker 1 More power, too. Nothing but respect for our Muslim brothers.
For real. But that's like, dude, it'd be, you know, she'd be like, I don't know.
It's not form fit. I'm like, geez, put the fuck on, man.

Speaker 1 Get the goddamn fucking kid off.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 You'd Gonna be all right. There's peace now.
We can make fun of them. There's peace.
We can make fun of them again. There's peace.

Speaker 1 Yeah, these are the powerful soundings. They love jokes.

Speaker 1 Powerful soundings. They do love jokes.
They love jokes. We also have to get off the Jews' ass now, too.
What do you mean?

Speaker 1 No, they still get made fun of for a while for what happened. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe not all the, not the American Jews, but the, yeah. Yeah, the Israeli ones.
They don't just go, all right, peace, we're done.

Speaker 1 Everybody forget about that. Yeah.
Then in 10 years, we'll be back. And, yeah, we'll see, man.

Speaker 1 It is sick that America gets to celebrate that peace. Yeah, it's nice.
It's like, yeah, even though we sold a lot of those weapons,

Speaker 1 peace. We got it done, baby.
Peace.

Speaker 1 They get the credit. It is nice.
Yeah, to sell all the munitions and be like, guys,

Speaker 1 let's be nice to each other. All right.
Yeah. This is over.

Speaker 1 I feel like America could just be just, we should just slide into pure diplomacy and arms, obviously, in arms selling. Sell arms and do diplomatic stuff.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to keep the American exceptionalism dream alive, man. A lot of people are doubting in the the country.
It's like, knock it off, man. I don't know.
Not this country, dude.

Speaker 1 You don't want to doubt us. Hell yeah, LeMaire.
You're a patriotic guy. I love this country.
I thought you were Woofie Goldberg. I fucking love this country, dude.

Speaker 1 China got some cool stuff, but I fucking love this country. I'm not buying the China hype, dude.
You're going to piss me off of that shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know, man. They got a spray that.
They what? They got a sprayed at men's broken bones. Yeah, this is all made up.

Speaker 1 This is all made up. Fucking glue, Le Maire.
We had glue for a long time. We had glue forever.
This is all made up. Jesus Christ.
You're getting all your China. I see the China Facts.

Speaker 1 They're on Instagram. It's a meme on China.
On Instagram. And it goes, dude, hey, it's a fox with slammy eyes.
China Facts. China is, dude.

Speaker 1 They're putting their servers at the bottom of the ocean to cool them. That's how smart they are.
They're making gravity batteries. Yeah.
Nothing's true. They're making gravity batteries? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So they can store all their energy and then just like move it to the batteries to a different thing. Please.
What does that mean? What do you think?

Speaker 1 You saw one meme and you think you can explain it that's watch a video it was at least 10 minutes and it's just a building it's a big building what do they do put them in like a three liter soda bottle and then like push them into water

Speaker 1 we already have that technology

Speaker 1 it's just out of a grohuka it's just like the

Speaker 1 it's a way to move batteries around and like store energy in an efficient put them in a freezer dude we already know that

Speaker 1 keeps batteries long as hell man uncle did this i brought a pair back i brought a pair of double a's back that way myself. Yeah, I think you're ready to go.
Toss him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, I'm telling you, I'm not buying the China hype. Do they have the fucking minerals? Yeah, whatever, but we'll get them.
Trust me, we'll get our hands on those.

Speaker 1 We hold our hands on those minerals. That's what I've seen my country do the whole time I've been alive: be like, guys, they're doing some bad stuff over there, and they'll go take their minerals.

Speaker 1 It was crazy that China was like, hey, Israel, stop that. You know,

Speaker 1 like, did you guys kill a bunch of Muslims?

Speaker 1 Maybe.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think they camped them up. Yeah.
Uyghurs, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So, yeah, they had a Uyghur camp.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But, yeah, and they fucking have

Speaker 1 child slaves making shoes. They're like, you're,

Speaker 1 you're, you guys are, to Israel, they're like, you guys have atrocious humanitarian,

Speaker 1 you know, like, oh, yeah. I can't remember backgrounds.
I'm telling you. China was like, those kids should be working.

Speaker 1 Stop killing all those kids. You got to put them to fucking work.

Speaker 1 China was probably so confused.

Speaker 1 We would have taken those fucking kids.

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 Yeah, are those suicide nets a real thing in those factories? I think at Foxconn, they were.

Speaker 1 The place I was making the iPhones. But that's also videos I saw.
Yeah. Yeah.
Suicide nets is crazy, bro. So crazy.
That'd be nice. I feel like every job should have those.
Suicide ads.

Speaker 1 We put them on our bridges. Do we? Yeah.
That's kind of chill. That'd be a thrill to just jump on.
We put them on bridges and top golf.

Speaker 1 Those are the only places you're not allowed to do it. You cannot commit at top golf.
No, that's such a party fail. Committing at top golf.
Trying to commit at top golf? That'd be crazy.

Speaker 1 After a bad shot.

Speaker 1 Your girlfriend just beat you in the third straight game.

Speaker 1 You can't even hit the ball. It's just landing in the fucking point zone.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's fucking bullet. Like, I hit it further than her.
Like, I got it in the red blinking thing. It's like, this is life is meaningless.

Speaker 1 It's time to leap from the third floor of a top golf and break your leg. You'd be fine.

Speaker 1 Caught in the nets worse than a death, though. Bro.

Speaker 1 Caught in the top golf net? Oh, God. I'd just go, kill me.

Speaker 1 Fucking kill me.

Speaker 1 If I get fished out by like seven of the teenage employees, it would take so it'd be like, how did the Egyptians build the beer thing?

Speaker 1 A hundred people with ropes pulling me out of that thing. Yeah, remember

Speaker 1 yourself from white claws? Oh,

Speaker 1 run me over with the ball collecting machine, dude. Just fucking chop me up into that thing.

Speaker 1 That's a tough way to go. Hey, man, after you fall in the top golf net, I would fucking light myself on fire.
Yeah, that'd be so fucking.

Speaker 1 I feel like if you fall in the top golf net,

Speaker 1 by some law of physics, your ass has to come out of your pants. It's a hanging ass.
Your ass definitely comes out of your pass. Your cracks getting split by a rope for sure.

Speaker 1 It's just cheeks sticking out. And there's a family underneath you.
God forbid it's a hot chick party. Coming, ew, look at that guy.

Speaker 1 They probably set up where your tenis pokes through one of the halls just your tenis through the little square. Just a Timberlink.
Your ass is out to your family.

Speaker 1 It was full Timberlink. JT got.

Speaker 1 JT got crossed with the tenis trap.

Speaker 1 I was thinking about JT when I was watching T-Payne. I was like, because you see the videos of him with the hood up up, just like phoning in his concerts?

Speaker 1 That's because you got the, I think, you got that Tennis Flytrap, dude.

Speaker 1 After the Tennessee's Flytrap, you go, I'm done with this. Fuck my whole production.
Fuck whoever you're doing. True, true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if my producers fucked me up like that, I would be, I'd have the fucking rain jacket hood on, just being like,

Speaker 1 man.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That would piss me the fuck off. Dude, if they set me up on a Teena's flytrap, I'd be fucking furious.

Speaker 1 Dude.

Speaker 1 Just a night. Are you checking out the Tinas flytrap?

Speaker 1 The net, the Golden Gate Bridge net would be a tough one.

Speaker 1 It'd be so scary. Yeah, dude.
Because they always say, like, the few people that have survived, they're like, as soon as I let go of the rails, I was like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 This is a huge mistake. Yeah, for sure.
But then you're stuck in the net. You're like, get me out.
No, I'm sorry, everybody.

Speaker 1 I want to live. I want to live.

Speaker 1 You got to roll. You're going to roll under the bridge just looking at the roof like, holy shit.
I can't believe I did that.

Speaker 1 How far down is the net? Does they give they give you a little taste of like the

Speaker 1 gravity battery?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they should give you at least like a 20-foot drop. So you can be like, or maybe 10, 20 feet is a little

Speaker 1 bit. Yeah.
So you can, just right before you experience free fall, you go hit a net. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because they should get, it shouldn't be.

Speaker 1 I guess it's got to be far enough to where you don't see it because you see it yeah so what do you do people still successfully kill themselves on that bridge like by jumping

Speaker 1 because that'd be tough to fucking leap on that 20 feet the net

Speaker 1 oh they can be god damn oh i'm going right through that net

Speaker 1 it's not the same thing but i i have a chemex coffee thing you know like the glass vase looking things no i bought i had to buy non-spider i had to buy non-chemex coffee filter speaking of going through the net i bought a non-chemex filter being like, I don't need those fucking.

Speaker 1 Dude, I poured my hot water through, bursted right through. I was fucking livid this morning.

Speaker 1 Pissed me right off. Yeah.
Kind of, you just reminded me of that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that'd be me.

Speaker 1 I was like, when you said that, I'm like, it is possible. You think things can hold.
Sometimes they fucking burst. Well, those nets are built for people who commit.

Speaker 1 And if you commit, you're probably about 120 pounds. Yeah, true.
Typically. Not a lot of big dogs.
That's true. Not a lot of big dogs commit.

Speaker 1 No, bro. They have too many.
Yeah, true. Dogs are grubbing.

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 1 you gotta be a skinny one to commit. Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's a skinny sad boy. Yeah, it's a skinny man's game.
That is. And ladies.
Yeah. Ladies.

Speaker 1 Rare that it's ladies. Yeah, they don't really.
Mostly Asians. Yeah.
Asians are not afraid to commit, especially in San Francisco. Oh, really? Yeah, there's a lot of Asians.
Yeah, they definitely are.

Speaker 1 I've seen them. Yeah.
You remember one of...

Speaker 1 I don't know if this is...

Speaker 1 I don't know. One of our friends got stuck in the ball pit.
That would be a... That's like a top golf net.

Speaker 1 Jake the Snake. I know.
I didn't want to say it. He does a whole fucking joke about it.
Yeah, Jake Jake Matera. He fucking got stuck in a joke.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
That's in front of the fam. That's rough, dude.
That's rough. I will say, it's the foam pit.
I'm not going to slander him with the ball pit.

Speaker 1 He got stuck in a foam pit, which, dude, those things are a little tougher. You think, like, I'm going to do a fucking backflip into this thing on the trampoline.
It's like,

Speaker 1 I always, like, I'd watch the X games and they do the...

Speaker 1 Like, or not the X games, there's a skate park, Woodward, around us that you could do. At a halfway, we go into a foam pit.
It's like, I would do 10 backflips into that thing. You see the foam pit.

Speaker 1 You're like, I'm just going to jump.

Speaker 1 Dudes miss the fuck out of that. Dude, miss that phone pit all the time.
Yeah, it's like kind of tough to get out of those things. Yeah.
It's not the oasis you thought it would be. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 It's still a brutal fucking,

Speaker 1 like having everybody come to help you. That's like a brutal one.
Getting stuck, dude. I was in the ocean.

Speaker 1 a couple months ago and I like just laid on my back and just kind of was like, I'm just going to float and chill. And I got like, it was pretty rough season.

Speaker 1 I got pulled out far enough to where I was like, fuck, some of these kids are going to have to pull me in. Fucking truck.

Speaker 1 I was swimming boats. I wasn't going anywhere.
And I was like, dude, one of these fucking hot tan kids are going to have to rip me into shore. I'm going to be humiliated.

Speaker 1 And I just, I swam like literally my life depended on it to get back. Cause I was, you know, when you're like not going anywhere in the ocean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I hit that, then I had to like float and I let the water push me forward. And, you know, thank God I'm kind of chill like that.
But

Speaker 1 but it crossed my mind. I was like,

Speaker 1 fuck, I might have to get carted in.

Speaker 1 What would you say?

Speaker 1 I'll say thanks, fellas.

Speaker 1 I'd put the hand up. I would just go, come get me.
Yeah. Come get me.

Speaker 1 Come on. Help.

Speaker 1 Help. Hey.

Speaker 1 You got to yell loud, too. Oh, yeah.
Over the waves that far away. Oh, you got to scream so loud.
Or you just give the classic

Speaker 1 put your head under, come up and go. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That would have fucking sucked, dude. It would have really sucked.

Speaker 1 I was on the edge. I was like,

Speaker 1 if I don't make any track, I don't get any traction towards where I can stand, I'm going to throw up the flare.

Speaker 1 That would have fucking sucked, dude. Trying to think about how fat people suicide.
I mean, every day.

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to think about it, though. Fat suicide? Yeah, it's slow.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's just more leaving Las Vegas style with the Cheetos. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I don't think they really blow their heads off.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I could be wrong.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think that's a good thing. I think think suicide is a thin man's game.
Yeah, how many fat people blow their fat heads off of you?

Speaker 1 Well, because, like, if you're fat, all you got to do is get skinny, and then you're like, oh, I'm not that sad anymore. But if you're skinny, no, then you become a child molester once you get 10.

Speaker 1 That's happening to Jared. Yeah.
You got to watch it, man. You're right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like the Benz. Like, when you come up, when you're scuba diving, you come up too fast, you get those crippling pains.
If you lose too much weight too fast, you're like.

Speaker 1 I can't have those tasty treats anymore. I can finally catch one of those little guys.

Speaker 1 So, what is it Gardenia? What'd you find? Was I right about thin suicides?

Speaker 2 It's hard to find like a good figure, but it says a lot of obese, well, around 15% of obese children think about committing suicide, I guess, from being bullied and stuff.

Speaker 1 That's obviously, dude.

Speaker 2 But then it's more common in

Speaker 2 it's

Speaker 2 20% obese females report suicidal ideation, and then 8% obese males.

Speaker 1 So it's pretty low. 80%.
No, 8%.

Speaker 1 I was at 80. It was like damn that.
It was pretty low.

Speaker 1 It's hard to find that. I will say

Speaker 1 the schizophrenic community can bulk.

Speaker 1 And they're not afraid to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they'll do it. They'll go into the event.
Schizophrenic people are getting crushed by AI, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can see that. Yeah.
It's tough. Dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Those Sora videos came out of nowhere and they're fucking good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've heard about that.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's kind of, although, you know, now we have all the deep fakes to be like, fucking deep.
Another deep fake clip of a podcast talking about tablecloths and shit.

Speaker 1 Fucking bullshit.

Speaker 1 Fucking Sora bullshit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is kind of nice. We'll be in like complete fake reality, so

Speaker 1 you won't know what's what. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We're kind of already there because it was like, you know, there was the Trump alleged letter to Jeffrey Epstein, the beautiful mystery. And he's just like, that's not real.

Speaker 1 And you're like, fuck it, that'd be fake. He sent him a new bio letter.
Yeah. Draw.
I will say that's pretty tough to draw, to write like a weird cryptic message in the shape of a woman's figure.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude. Taking that out of context, that is a sick letter to send to one of your boys.

Speaker 1 If it wasn't about, you know, a child child sex island

Speaker 1 for sure.

Speaker 1 Without a doubt.

Speaker 1 Without a doubt. It is a boss movie.
Yeah, if you get rid of the child sex trafficking, get that out of it. A lot of what Epstein was up to was fly.
True. That's pretty cool.

Speaker 1 But then the big one, you know. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 And you can do that for a lot of historical figures. True, true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. He just pigged.

Speaker 1 Pigged.

Speaker 1 If he had like mature busted. He had a mature natural island.

Speaker 1 Yeah, big St. James.
Big St. James.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Having, yeah, having mature naturals. Just like those ladies at the strip club where you look at it and you go, all right, man, this is your last season.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's always a no-ass blonde-haired lady who's like, put on fucking white snake pussy. And he gets up there, and everyone's like, yeah, he's called Flaccos.

Speaker 1 You go, God damn, you still in the league?

Speaker 1 Holy shit, are you starting this week?

Speaker 1 Yeah, an old stripper's called a flack hoo.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what, he still got it. He still got it.
True.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they get all. I mean, it's so hard because they're following like a 22-year-old Dominican lady just absolutely gracing the pole.

Speaker 1 Then you have a lady bust out like fucking flying to the ceiling, crawling on the ceiling like an exorcist. Just an old bony white-haired lady with giant bangs.
You're kind of like,

Speaker 1 where the fuck did you crawl out of it?

Speaker 1 Here I go again on my own.

Speaker 1 Come and get it, boys.

Speaker 1 I'll wait.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, every time I've been. Let's get a dance.
Let's get a dance. You know, I'm all right.
What are you, fucking gay?

Speaker 1 God damn, lady. And you're mean.

Speaker 1 You know who I've got my eye on? The mean, ugly one.

Speaker 1 That's who I want to dance with.

Speaker 1 Nah, sometimes I've rode the dragon of the fucking Flacco of the strip club. It's not all, it's kind of a nice move.
You can still play.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 They know all the tricks. They know the tricks.
An old dog. The old dogs, man.
They know the playbook. Yeah.
They know the playbook front and back. Yep.

Speaker 1 They're aware of the Kelly Blue Book and they go, look, we're throwing some bells and whistles.

Speaker 1 There's a secret compartment in here.

Speaker 1 Bust it out

Speaker 1 with the KBB.

Speaker 1 Fuck the KBB.

Speaker 1 It's bullshit. Yeah, I know.
It's dealership propaganda. You know.
I did nothing but battle with the KBB.

Speaker 1 Some fucking old guy would come in and go, well, Blue Buck says my car is worth this much. And I'd go, dude, the whole thing is bullshit.
It is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You want to know how much the car I'm selling you is worth on KBB? You want to do that? Yep. Or we can just disregard KBB.
Yep. Up to you.
Yeah, I like Edmonds. I'm an Edmonds guy.

Speaker 1 Oh, the Edmonds is great.

Speaker 1 I still check Edmonds just to see what's going on. Yeah, it's like that's a live market.
I just want to see what you're doing. You just want to know what's going on.
That's a live market value.

Speaker 1 Looking at at the trades i love checking out the trades have you ever like just been chilling somewhere and picked up an auto trader and tried to pretend you like give a fuck i've done it before i've like just scanned an auto trader like getting my oil change just to impress the mechanics i gotta have i think i have it at work like when i was selling cars to pretend i was remotely interested in this career i like the house magazines at the wawa those are pretty like good house you read mags at wawa the house ones they have all the houses in it like you never seen that one i kind of know what you're talking about yeah i love those you're like ooh ooh, I'm going to get this one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like, look at this.

Speaker 1 Are you talking about this?

Speaker 1 I hope Shane gets this one.

Speaker 1 Ooh, this has got a nice pool house.

Speaker 1 I thought you were talking about like the home decor. You're talking about the ones straight up for sale.
Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of tight.
I just like looking at them, the yards. That's nice.

Speaker 1 I need a yard. I got to get a yard.
I got to get a

Speaker 1 ten to this.

Speaker 1 You got to clean up that. There's still shit everywhere.
Maybe that's how we can solve that whole homeowner crisis.

Speaker 1 They're saying people, if the millennial and whatever Gen Z won't own houses, we could VR them in a fucking apartment.

Speaker 1 We could just walk outside and there's like a white picket fence. I was like, hey, neighbor, place looks great.
And you get to, you know, thanks, buddy.

Speaker 1 You can customize it to make them all mature naturals.

Speaker 1 Every single neighbor is like, oh, my jugs are out again, aren't they? No, that's okay.

Speaker 1 Man, we could get a little mature natural island going. Yo, man, no, everyone would be, everyone would be like, this is a major improvement.
Peace in the Middle East, not a child sex island.

Speaker 1 This is a big island. Big daddies would be crazy, bro.

Speaker 1 Big Korean naddies.

Speaker 1 Are we Korean naddies?

Speaker 1 Don't get greedy. We were dying.

Speaker 1 That would have gone too far. That was the search.
That was the search.

Speaker 1 I forget one of my brothers is all the biggest. That might be all mad.
Big Korean natties. People might be as up in arms about that as Little St.
James. Big Korean Natties? Yeah, the jealousy.
True.

Speaker 1 We'd be guillotined. They'd bring it back.

Speaker 1 This is the French Revolution.

Speaker 1 They have an island of Korean naturals? That'd be tough.

Speaker 1 That would be tough. You could just test them like cocaine.
You would just touch your pinky and go,

Speaker 1 oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 oh, yeah, oh, yeah,

Speaker 1 you swirl them and like you rub them in the liquid, it turns purple. You're like, oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna give it a killer soundtrack to this episode. We're doing good.

Speaker 1 You saw, you saw T-Pain, bro.

Speaker 1 The music's coursing through your veins. I was in the drum circle, bro.
I mean, this is a music town.

Speaker 1 This is.

Speaker 1 It's live Austin. They're the live music capital of the world.
True. You

Speaker 1 Well, hell yeah, dude. Yeah, good episode.
Goddamn did it.

Speaker 1 See you on the Patreon.

Speaker 1 Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.