Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)

Wow!

Wow, wow, Wes.

Maybe I'm allergic to alternaria.

Give me an alternaria outbreak.

Fucking bullshit.

All right.

Hey.

Whoa.

Fucking alternaria.

I hope it's not.

I don't even know what that is.

Do you know dust mites, when you're allergic to dust mites, you're actually allergic to their poop?

That's what gets you there.

Everybody even considered their poop.

Not me either.

I actually have a dust mite allergy, and it's the fuck I was breathing in their poop that was getting me.

They know bugs pooped.

Yeah, they fucking poop.

Yeah.

Everything, everybody poops, bro.

They do eat.

Yeah.

Yeah, if you eat you, poop.

Now, what were you saying about Trump?

Old liberal-ass U-ass motherfucker.

I'm trying to be peaceful.

He brought peace to the Middle East, dude.

You got to give to me in his problems.

He's hot dogging, dude.

Is he hot dogging man?

Have you seen him at all?

I've saw the articles.

I haven't seen his talks.

He's a hot dog.

I saw him call that lady beautiful.

That was his part of his part of his victory laugh.

He's like, like, yo, what's up?

We got a bad bitch behind me.

If you don't mind me saying you're a bad bitch anyway, suck my dick, everybody.

I knew I could do it.

And every other world leader is like, fuck it.

Yeah, he did it.

He fucking did it.

I mean, I always said before, that'd be nice if we just tricked all the billionaires into being like, dude, if you like, you know who's the best.

If you really, truly give away like a billion bucks, you're the man.

They're like, I'll fucking do that.

Yeah.

Trump being like, you won't bring peace to the Middle East, you pussy.

He's like, watch me, bitch.

For real.

It's kind of nice.

He's, yeah, he's also, I mean, he's putting out great clips this week.

I mean, yeah, it's

feeling good.

Everybody's kind of, the media is kind of on it.

Like,

they're like, we got to give you credit for this.

And he's like, yeah, that's what the fuck I thought.

But there's one there like,

because he had mentioned before about if he can do this, he might be able to get into heaven.

Did you hear that one?

There was a reporter this time on Air Force One.

It was like, do you think you're going to get into heaven now?

And he was like, nah, I don't think I'm ever getting into heaven, but

dang.

It's just a beast.

That's so funny.

He's like, I don't think I'm ever going to get into heaven, but I'm just going to try to help as many people as I can.

And it was like, Don, you have no idea how Christ like that actually was.

Yeah, true.

That's the actual message, brother.

True.

You accidentally stumbled upon the real message.

Damn.

How many people have Christ deported?

What?

How many people has Christ deported?

A bunch of Jews at the temple.

When he was mad, yeah, that one time.

Per capita, he deported a lot.

Yeah.

You can't even give him his flowers for 10 seconds.

I gave him his flowers.

I've been giving him his flowers all week.

But it's all right.

Bring the government back.

How do you feel about the National Guard?

Didn't the Dems shut it down?

No.

The Dems can't shut it down.

What do you mean?

They don't have enough power to shut down the government.

It's a pub shut down.

Is it a pub shutdown?

The pub controls every day.

They still control all the seats.

It shuts down constantly.

And everyone's like, the government shut down and nobody cares.

It's like, because it's shut down down 50 fucking times.

It never affects shit because I don't work for the government.

If I work for the government, I'd be like, fuck, my job's closed right now.

I don't work for the government.

It's so nice.

So when it shuts down, I'm like, what am I not going to get parking tickets?

Good.

I don't care if the government shuts down.

Sorry.

I'll tell you when it does affect me is

when there's no flyover at the

Oklahoma, Texas game.

Okay, that's fucking bullshit.

And there was supposed to be a flyover at the Notre Dame game.

That's fucking bullshit.

And I think F-35s.

I was excited about that.

They, for real, canceled it because the government shutdown?

Government shutdown.

No flyovers.

I think somebody said that.

Trump?

Trump?

Explain yourself.

Fucking Middle East, dude.

You're using flyovers.

Could we have flown one plane to the Middle East and open the state?

Can you see if I'm right about the government shutdown?

The government shutdown affecting my college football flyovers.

They were so hyped for that, too.

They was nothing better.

There's nothing better.

I'm sorry, for real.

I'm really sorry.

That's fucking fucking bullshit.

Hell yeah, Jinx.

Government shutdown?

Takes away flyovers?

We can't have this.

Yes, it can affect military flyovers at sporting events.

Did Chuck Schumer have anything to do with this shutdown?

I looked that up, too.

This says it was...

They basically blamed both parties on this one, but it goes back and forth.

If that was a liberal rag, I'm sure it just means it was the left.

You can't blame the Dems.

They don't have enough...

Well, they motioned for something in Congress, and then that led to a shutdown.

And the Republics did the same thing.

So it's kind of like.

You know what we're confidently forgetting about?

The list.

He brought peace to the Middle East, and we forget about the damn list.

Yeah, I mean, dude, it's still bad.

Although

it's good he brought peace to the Middle East.

It's withstanding, you know?

Yeah, the scales of justice are tipping in his side.

You're a little 6'7 there.

That's how old the kids were.

At what point do you say, like,

fuck, man?

All right, well.

Never.

We'll erase you off there.

We'll let you erase yourself off there.

Still need to list, but shout out to peace in the Middle East for now.

Shout out to Peace.

Yeah.

Bill Clinton came out and was like, nice.

Nice work.

And Trump was like, dude, Bill's the man.

Not a good thing to say during the fucking list.

I don't want to send his wife to jail anymore.

Dude, yeah,

I know a lot of the people, I don't even know what it's called, his DOJ or D-D-O-J, have been getting pressed because didn't they're like alleging that someone, the Trump administration basically was like, let me know if my name comes up in that thing.

And they'll ask them point blank and they'll be like, I'm not playing these stupid games with you guys.

Cash Majelle, you guys can play games all day.

What about the fucking crime in the cities with Democrat mayors?

How about that?

Honestly, he's like talking to my dad.

Just answer the question.

Go home to get a dad.

Trump's a fucking pervert.

He goes, Yeah.

All right.

Well, why don't you go hang out in Chicago?

Tell me how that goes.

Fucking Democrat bullshit.

My brother's been calling my parents Dems.

It's been pissing them off.

Yeah.

Josephic cleaning lady from Ecuador.

Cleaning lady?

Oh, man.

He goes, dude, how about you get some fucking Americans in here?

You guys, they're like busting his balls about shit.

He goes, you guys are fucking Dems, man.

Classy.

Oh, you think I'm a fucking Dem?

My dad gets so mad.

Dem is insulting, dude.

He kills him, dude.

I've that kid at Florida State said, I looked like I voted for Biden a while ago, and it's stuck with me.

Yeah, it's been four years.

I was trying to parallel.

Yeah, it was a killer insult.

He was on a parallel park.

He was on a balcony, bro.

The what?

He was a frat kid from Florida State on a balcony, and he yelled down at us.

I got demed by a tow truck driver, which at least is a little better, but I was trying to parallel park, and it wasn't fast enough for him.

He's like, driving like a fucking Democrat, and zoomed off.

And I was like, I gotta be honest, damn,

A working collar or a blue collar man, that hurts.

Yeah, it hurt me, man.

I had like a just a pussy frack kid.

That's what I'm saying.

That's you could take that.

Although that kind of hurts even more, yeah, that hurts more, too.

Then you're like, I'm a tow truck driver.

I was like, you got me, bro.

You lucky I don't come up there and beat your ass.

Yeah, I don't, I'm like terrible.

Do you ever like go get your car back from one of those places?

Yeah.

It's all just tinted out glass.

Junkyard by the

dude.

It's like, yeah, there's just guys on meth fucking fighting over junk cars.

I'm like, you guys, whatever you say, yes.

Yes, sir.

College kid, you would kick it around being like, I should have fucking punched him in his fucking.

Yeah, but he was at a party up on a balcony.

It's like, dude, what do you want me?

Like, I'll come up there and get my ass kicked by 20 hot guys.

Throwing something, you should have thrown something.

Throwing something out.

It's too high.

Oh, you would have missed.

Would have been short.

He would have been like classic Biden motor.

It would have been short.

Forget it.

That would have been brutal, dude.

Way worse.

Just having a beer bottle fall down back towards you like fuck.

20 feet in the air, max.

Slips out the bottom of the bottom.

Look like Kirk Ring from the Phillies trying to get it home.

Just a girl throw for no reason.

It's an MLB pitcher.

Why did it look like a girl throw?

Damn, dude, that was a tough Philly week.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That sucked.

Yeah.

That Longhorn sooner game was very fun.

Hook them.

Oh, yeah.

Hook him.

Yeah, you guys Longhorn fans now?

Yeah.

Shout out.

You got to pick a college team eventually.

Yeah, I think I can't go two.

I can't go Bama and Longhorn.

You can't go Bama.

Bama was fun.

He's such a bitch.

Are we both in the SEC, though?

Yeah.

You got to pick one.

Same division.

You guys hate me, dude.

Bama's a crazy pick.

My real friends pick Notre Dame.

How'd they do this week, by the way?

They're still rolling, bro.

This is a big one this week, though.

USC.

The Trojans.

The Trojans are coming to town.

I don't like the Irish guy.

What?

You don't like the left guy?

I don't like their logo.

It's an all-time classic logo.

Everybody likes the logo.

I don't know.

I'll be honest, that makes it a little tough for me, too.

The fighting Irish.

I got to say go Irish all the time.

So you picked the two most racist schools.

Nobody beat up the clan and marched with Dr.

King.

Come on, man.

Side by side, arms locked with Dr.

Kang.

Yeah, but do they have Bevo?

You guys got a Bevo?

no we did have a a little tiny dog named clashmore mike who used to rock i would be awesome clashmore mike yeah

we gotta bring back clashmore mike bring him back i don't know how there's still so much to learn about notre dame i thought i knew all the stuff i didn't know they had a tiny dog named clashmore mike it's like as old as the country it's really i mean a hundred years later but yeah yeah true it's fucking from the 1800s dang yeah there's a lot of history Damn, so football, they pre-existed football.

They were there before football.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

What the hell?

What the hellie?

This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks.

I love being right.

Most of the time, I am, which is great for me, especially when it comes to my basketball picks.

You know, I love hoops.

They're even better than my football picks.

Because prize picks, being right, can get you paid.

And it's great to see you've lost none of that modesty we all love you for.

Ha!

But it's good you're so confident in your picks because prize is the only app that offers stacks, meaning you can pick the same player up to three times in the same lineup.

Want to pick more on Steph Curry's points, three-pointers, and assists?

Oh, yeah.

Now you can pick all of them in the same lineup.

That's clear on Prize Picks.

That's fucking crazy.

Yeah, man.

And now you can follow other PrizePicks players directly on the app and copy their lineups in one click.

Whether it's a friend, a celebrity partner, or just someone whose picks you like, hit the follow button and check out every lineup they create in the new feed tab.

Well, it's good to know people can follow me and my picks.

Next week for the regular season tip-off, I'm thinking we have to take the Steph Curry max discount.

Steph Curry only needs one point for this to win.

Everyone needs to get on it.

Steph Curry, max discount.

Great shouts there, King.

Oh, my God.

Oh, man, that's crazy.

Download the PrizePicks app today and use code Drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

That's code Drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

Prize picks.

It's good to be right.

It's good to be right.

Alabama, that's a crazy pick, bro.

He picked it, yeah, and they were the best in the world at the time.

Well, that's the real reason why I don't want to do it.

The only reason I picked him, I don't follow college at all, but we went to two band games, and they were, I mean, it was hype as hell.

It was a good time.

That makes sense.

But yes, not yesterday, Saturday was just as good, though.

Like, I can't, I can't.

I was trying very hard not to pick a side, but that punt returned, and then they were like, fire the cannon.

I got to fire the cannon.

Who let you fire the cannon?

All of them.

What?

Every single.

Yeah.

Fired it for the game.

Fire it for the touchdown.

And then Governor Abbott came over.

What was the Gum up to?

The Gov was chilling, dude.

That's what's up.

I don't know any of his policies other than I said, give me back my porn.

No, you know what he did that was kind of noble.

They tried to nix the uh like THC farm bill thing, and he came up to him and he was like, No, dude, his security had to pull me off of him.

I grabbed him by his scruff.

I said, You better give me my home.

And they pulled me out, just give me one site.

Six guys were pulling me.

I was like, Get the fuck off, man.

Give me the hub.

Give me back my hub.

I'm tired of going on X videos and seeing the weirdest shit I've ever seen.

So sick of it, dude.

I don't want to see any more Brazilians in a warehouse.

They're making it.

It's made it so much worse.

What?

Going on.

Having to go to X Videos or whatever the other.

You got to find the shadiest.

Yeah, you're in the speakeasy, you know.

It's prohibitions.

You know, I got long abortion.

TBH.

You have a wire hanger.

Now I'm in a fucking alley.

Now I'm dealing with shady customers.

You're in a hotel.

I'm not lying, dude.

I think they toss CP in the thumbnails sometimes.

What?

I swear.

Yeesh.

You fly past past it.

I do think there's way more CP on just all the sites than anyone likes to admit.

They skirt the edge.

I don't think I saw it on the hub.

Dude, they skirt the edge.

I was searching.

I remember I was off for a while.

And then, like, months ago, I like, it was like the, I don't know, but I went on the hub and it was like, they were hitting me with like the youngest.

And I was like, bro, this is like so fucking close.

They're young babes, yeah, dude.

They're fucking barely legal.

That's a genre, yeah.

But it was like, it was the main feed, and it was kind of, I was like, dude, this looks like

maybe I was getting older, but I'm like, dang, hub, what the hell are you doing?

I don't like how white porn hub is.

Their top videos are always white ladies.

That's because

it's a lot of white people.

Well, there are finally some common ground, dude.

I had the same complaint.

I'm being honest, man.

I'm going to be honest, it is all white ladies, but a lot of black fellas are

sneaking in there.

A little over-represents, you know.

Every time there's a porn with one white lady, there's like four black guys.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

Why does she need a yard of dick?

It's not every time.

That's your algo, bro.

Huh?

That's just your algo.

She's lost.

You got into lost in the hood?

Yeah.

My daddy dropped me off in the wrong neighborhood.

I saw a video recently of a guy talking about, it was just like an unknown car getting filmed, just talking about like the rules for partying on a chick, which is, you know, just running a train.

Dude, it was, it was like, never mention another man's hook, no matter what.

Don't even look at another man's hook.

Condon's hooks?

Nice.

It's really nice.

One time, my friend, someone, or he said

they were partying on a babe, and he said his friend grabbed her head because the friend was hitting from behind.

He was getting hit, and the friend grabbed her head and was pushing for it.

And he goes, what the hell?

He's like, I got to get the hell up out of there.

That was the weirdest shit in the world.

God damn it.

Kind of like he was doing it.

Right.

It was so.

And the guy was like, what about that one time?

He goes, I told you that in confidence.

I don't want to talk about it.

What happened?

But the friend pushed in the back of the head.

Yeah, there's rules for partying on a bitch yeah i love the term partying on a bitch party on a bitch is crazy it's nothing as a big 36 mafia fan it's almost every single song

every single the whole the the the chorus can be the most uplifting like yeah you gotta change your life get your money right you can do anything and that goes straight into a verse of like me and my boys partied on a bitch

two in the front three in the back everybody jizzing on a bitch you're like all right

changes the whole song

I don't know.

Maybe it's one of those things don't knock it till you try it.

Could be the ultimate bonding experience.

That's how me and my boys all we got all of our, yeah.

We always partied on a bitch at the beginning.

Yeah.

Hand jobs, fingering, both partied on a bitch.

It's kind of nice.

Just put like third base partying.

Yeah.

That's kind of nice.

Third base partying is actually very challenging.

Never a sexual intercourse partying.

You didn't bust out your hooks.

No, nobody's.

Well, I mean, technically the hooks were out

for the HJs, but it was dark.

The HJs.

It was dark.

Did you grab a wrist and just...

We parted.

Yeah, I helped my boy up.

Told you I didn't want to talk about this.

This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter.

Our team is amazing.

We wouldn't be able to do this show without them.

I couldn't imagine doing our podcast without

LeMaire.

Yeah, man.

He makes work a blast.

Yeah, they have a way of just cheering me up when I'm feeling down.

They have a way of taking me to a bar

and then fighting for six hours.

It's rough trying to find people you just click with.

Even rougher when you're trying to build the best team you can for your business, which is what we've done.

Yeah.

We've assembled nothing but the best.

It's a meritocracy around here.

That's why you need ZipRecruiter.

They can connect you with exactly what you're looking for, and you can try it free at ziprecruiter.com slash MSSP.

That's pretty good.

Yo, we should zip recruit one guy.

I wouldn't mind zip recruiting one guy.

That'd be nice.

Or a girl.

Yeah,

True nice add a female touch to this show.

Not bad at all.

Maybe you wouldn't be so misogynistic all the time if there was a female.

Oh, yeah.

Guys, as soon as you can post your job, ZipRecruiter Smart Technology, I like that, gets to work sending you qualified candidates immediately.

You can even invite your top picks to apply and fill your role sooner.

So you can waste your time on more important things, like actually running your business.

Building a solid team is easy if you know where to go.

ZipRecruiter.

Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

Dang, that's pretty amazing.

See for yourself, go to this exclusive web address right now to try ZipRecruiter for free.

ZipRecruiter.com slash MSSP.

Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash MSSP.

ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

Dude,

speaking of powerful black men, I saw T.

Payne at ACL.

I saw some videos of his dancing it looked very nice dude he is an absolute master of the craft he came out i first of all i got

i i was planning on eating some mushrooms and going there and then you know i was like sending feelers out everyone's like man i'm good on that so i was like i'll take like a micro like a little bit like a little micro dose but then i pigged on edibles Dude, I forgot when you combine those things, it fucking warps you.

I was going through security and it hit me in the Uber and I was just sitting there just like, oh no.

People, everyone's talking to me and they're like, yeah, this one.

And I was, was, I couldn't, like, make, I could get like three words at a time.

And I kept being like, uh-uh.

And I was just keeping it cool as I ate them before everybody else.

I've seen you high as shit.

You do keep it cool.

I kept it cool.

I kept it.

I was on

LSD, brother.

The worst is over.

We're fine now.

You've been in the Uber for three minutes.

I for real kept it ice, man.

I was sitting there.

You have to.

If no one else was.

No one was high.

I thought they were hitting the wine, though.

no there was some wine there was also i got back and like i was i had the edibles so i ate them first so then i gave them out later and i also was on the microdose them earlier so it like they hit me fast and then uh and i had like i was drinking like a weed drink and i'm in the car i'm just kind of like oh shit this is actually this might be a problem and then we had to go through that line and my fucking wristband didn't work so i had to get like i don't know go to another place i was just being carted from point to point we had a park we had a walk get out of that line i'm like just going to checkpoint to checkpoint, all confused.

And like everything I, it wasn't like cool either.

Like, I didn't have any like cool, fun thoughts.

I was like a dog being high.

I was just like,

oh, fuck, that's weird.

Just looking around.

And then my wristband got fixed.

And then I forgot.

I was like in line to get in.

They're like, oh, you have the rest of the edibles for our, we had people in there.

And I was like, dog, great.

Like, I didn't even know.

I was going to know I ate all the edibles.

Well, I did have them in my pocket.

So I just smuggled them in, which isn't a big deal.

But I was so high that I was like, all right, dude, be cool about this.

And I like go through and I get stuff out of my pockets.

And I have like a plastic bag in my back pocket.

And the lady's like, is everything out of your pockets?

And I was like, oh, yes, I believe so.

And I smacked my pockets down.

It's like,

literally, you hear a plastic bag squish.

And I was like, oh, shoot.

And I, like, my, I had electrolytes for some reason.

They fell.

And I was like, that's what I was looking for.

And I put them in, just walked through.

Like, it was like I was smuggling in like a pound of heroin.

Yeah.

Fucking three

tiny little yummies.

Then I got in there.

And all I I had, I had a mule, just two chairs the whole time.

So I just, it was the only thing that kept me alive.

Just had these two chairs and just walking through just a mass of people.

Finally, dude, they were rocking chairs, folding rocking chairs.

Dude, once I hit that chair, T-Pain came on.

I just got to watch T-Pain in a rocking chair, just completely incapacitated.

I'd be...

He brought me to life.

That guy brought me back to life.

Such a whiny bitch if I had to do all that.

Oh, I would, it was.

I'd be furious.

I'd be like, I'm never doing this again.

There's 10 million people here.

It's 100 degrees.

It was nice.

I saw a video of it and I saw the crowd and I was like, I will never, never.

During the day, we took the kids during the day.

That was fucking hot.

But we, they have like, it's called the Austin Kitty Limits, and they had a giant drum circle for the kids.

Dude, I got to, I sat in on the drum circle.

I might try to start those things off, dude.

It was the best.

Drum circles are the best, dude.

I swear to God.

Oh, they are.

Dude, the guys, those guys that are good, then you just get to do a little bit, and then you start to kind of show off a little bit.

When it works out, you're like, I might be the coolest guy.

It's, I swear to God, it's the best.

I was trying, my kids kept being like, We don't want to do this.

I was like, get over here now.

And I was sitting there like, come on, man, don't make me, don't leave me.

It was chill.

Drum circles.

You were hitting some solos?

No, no, no.

I wasn't picking out.

I was just trying to just keep going.

I'd give a little flare every now and again, but there were guys that were like genuine, like real percussion.

You have a little flare, winking one of the kids and be like, I like that shit.

Literally, my kids.

What's your little bitch-ass dad?

Can you drum like this.

Not a big deal.

But no, T-Payne's real.

Master, bro.

Yeah, he is.

He, dude, he put in like, it's like a real production.

The whole thing, there's dance.

He talks.

He fucks.

He jokes.

He does.

He is funny.

Yeah, he's very funny.

He's kind of, and I say this respectfully.

He's a fucking nerd.

He's a giant nerd in heart.

And I could tell.

Did he do warpigs?

I was hoping he did.

He did fucking Journey.

Oh, nice.

He talked for a while, too.

He had some jokes in there.

He humps.

Dude, he humps the air like crazy.

Bro, he fucking daggers up there.

And he has like, it's like time perfectly where the music's like, boom, boom, boom.

He's just air humping as hard as he can.

He complains about being out of breath the whole time.

It's really funny.

Yeah, he was in a leather suit.

I saw that.

He must have been fucking dying.

That was amazing.

We went there and then caught that one killer song and then left.

Killers lead out with their biggest hit, which is wild.

Really?

Start with the closing.

Yeah, that got the place fucking bumping.

Damn, dude.

But no, those chairs, man, Brittany kept trying to take one from me, and I'm like, don't touch them.

I was like, I need equal weights.

Get off me.

All right.

I need, it was like my one, I need a job.

When I get that high, I need like a task.

Otherwise, I fucking freak out.

You just changed my life, though.

I didn't know they had portable rocking chairs.

Bro,

they, it was that's like good shit right there.

What was funny?

Everyone were with, nobody really brought chairs.

So I was like, just sit, everyone's standing.

I was just at everyone's like butt level, just like, oh,

they're so fucking good.

Dude, I didn't realize how good it was.

That was literally all I did.

This is like a genuine performance.

This is a real, he's really thought this out.

I like this.

And then it finally broke.

I remember I saw my phone.

It was 6 p.m.

I went, all right.

This is, if this gets any worse, I'm fucked.

But I have two hours.

I just got to grin down.

I got to bear down.

I learned that Chicago thing this weekend.

Bear down.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, I just learned that.

That's pretty sick.

But yeah, I had to bear down big time in the rocking chair and it was

that losing in the fourth?

bearing down.

No, they won.

Shit.

They're doing all right.

That was a good joke, though.

I hear it.

No, it was good.

They got the win.

Yeah,

that's a wonderful experience.

It was, man.

I was close to go.

A couple guys I know, the Benz, they were playing at 5:30 on Sunday.

I must have just missed them.

Yeah, Saturday was a disaster.

Yeah.

We got in the car.

We had to leave at 7:30 to get out there

9:59.

Nate Marshall says, Let's have a beer.

Fellas, it's gonna be a long one.

9:59,

yeah, it was perfect time.

It was that set us up for

14 hours of drinking.

Was there any hugers involved to keep the thing going?

I was on the way back,

I was at the Spritterman Sprinterman on the way home.

We were all going, I'm a little sleepy.

I mean, there's the only one way you can drink for 14 hours.

Amphetamines.

We hit the Bucks, too.

The hugers.

The Beezers.

Dude, the Beezer article he sent me

favorite thing I've ever seen.

It was great.

Who is the Beezer?

Who is the Bees?

There's some like

AI article about Kyla.

They're like, is Kyla Fox married?

It's like, she's rumored to be dating a man named The Beezer.

Whoever that is.

Who is The Beezer?

This mysterious man.

Oh, my God.

But no, the game was fucking sick.

I had a nice moment.

We were down on the field at the beginning, which was very sick, except it was 150 degrees.

So it was like,

man, we got to get into that.

get into that sweep.

Thank God we had a sweep because it was hot as fuck out there.

Get in there.

I'm pretty sure I see Baker Mayfield.

Really?

Legendary Oklahoma quarterback.

So I say, he must be him.

Didn't even think, oh, he's got a game tomorrow.

What?

I said, he had a game Sunday.

Obviously, it's not him.

So I walk over.

I walk over to this dude.

And while I'm walking, I'm like, obviously, that's not Baker Mayfield.

I can see him now.

So I just walk over this group of people.

I'm like, hey, how are you?

Just want to say hi.

We're in the suite together.

Just want to have a good day.

Huh?

How about that?

She just walked away.

That guy's nice.

Did you ever have a thing where you think someone's saying hi to you because they recognize you, but they're not?

Yeah, that's happened to me before.

It's very embarrassing where a guy will say something, I have headphones in, and I'll be like, hey, how are you?

And they're like, hey, you fuck.

And I'm like, oh shit, my bad.

Sorry about that.

I thought you were my friend from the internet, but you're not.

Or

my bad.

I contact with people walking on the street.

You're like, yep.

Yeah, it's me.

Who the fuck are you, dude?

Fucking retarded guy that walks around my neighborhood.

Yeah, dude, it's me.

Get over it.

No holographs.

What do you want a picture of something?

Come here.

It's like an old Indian couple.

You're like, yeah, yeah, get it in.

All right.

Yeah, that happens.

Happened to be bad.

I got almost startled too because I was like, I had headphones in.

I heard someone say hello, like, right next to me.

And I was like, hey, how are you doing?

The guy was like, what the fuck?

And I was like, oh, shit.

The worst is when people come up and they act like you're actually friends.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I kind of looked like, hey, what's going on, man?

How are you?

Like, what's going on with you, dude?

I haven't seen you in forever.

He's just pure politeness.

I'm like, dude, how's everything going?

Well, I kind of, I was in line, I think this was like last year.

I was getting,

just at like an outdoor brewery place, and I met someone in line.

We had a long line.

But the nice thing was we were able to talk.

Like, we were all on the same page.

Like, he started asking me questions.

We like just jumped into immediate conversation, which was kind of nice.

Yeah.

Kind of killed the line time.

Yeah.

But it's funny how much you can talk to a dude who listens to the podcast.

He's like, Yo, how's this?

How's that?

How's this?

I'm like, oh, dude.

Yeah.

I just assume it's somebody I met.

Yeah.

Just like this guy probably does comedy, or I probably met him.

She's like, so how is everything?

What's going on, man?

I haven't seen you in so long.

I'm so fucking sad.

I'm all right.

Your parents are alive?

Good.

Man, LeMaire.

I've been worried about that.

What?

The parents' stuff.

stuff.

Yeah, dude.

Every time I go home, they're like older.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Come on.

Yeah.

It's tough, man.

If it exit velocity.

Yeah.

The speed is only increasing, dude.

They're launching.

It's got to be crazy, too, for like, because I feel like black people don't age as fast.

Once they start, it's like.

Dang.

Yeah.

Once they start, it's a race.

That shit happens.

It happens so fast.

Phil's not helping himself.

Yeah.

He's

hopefully they don't watch this.

They're trying to surprise me.

They're going to Vegas this weekend.

Ooh.

The fuck is he doing going to Vegas?

Partying down.

I know.

Like he's trying to surprise me.

He still thinks I don't know.

Oh, really?

But my manager blew it.

She was like, and you want an extra room for Phil?

And I was like,

sure, I didn't think he's coming, but

Phil needs to chill.

Yeah, he's fucking Vegas.

Yeah.

I know how he gets down, too.

That's 4 a.m.

gambling.

Oh, no.

I forgot he's got the bug.

He's got the bug.

He's got both bugs.

Booze and gambling.

He's got the best bugs.

No offense to anybody struggling with it.

Yeah, getting drunk.

No, getting drunk and just gambling recklessly.

I know it ruins people's lives sometimes, but it is fun when you're locked in on the table and you're getting breaked.

He doesn't gamble recklessly at all.

Yeah, yeah, he's good.

It could ruin your life or change your life.

True.

And he's good at drinking.

Yeah.

Like.

Shot it down.

Like A ⁇ M, when we went to the Note A and Texas A ⁇ M game, he was the one that was, he was fine.

Yeah.

I was like, dad, it's late.

We have to go home.

He was like, come on.

I'm going to have a beer.

Shut up.

What would he have said about that 9 a.m.

twist off?

He would have been right there.

Okay.

But he's able to somehow pace himself.

Yeah, he would have paced.

Gotcha.

I can't pace.

I have a hard time pacing all day.

I'm like, I just.

The problem with pacing all day is you start getting sleepy.

Yeah.

And you can either turn on the jets or call it a day.

True.

And you know me, dude.

If I do a long day drink, I lean on the weed real hard.

That's in the NAS.

I just get really, if I'm getting like...

Say, does anyone have any NAS?

Just a little bit of Nas.

I do the opposite.

I think I try to eat edibles.

If I'm getting drunk during the day, I end it with like, because I get real brave with the edibles when I'm drunk, and then I just end up on absolute Pluto.

That's a good way to leave, though.

Yeah.

You go, I'm.

I can't be here anymore.

Yeah, it's how you end up with a, I'll kind of like rock it out.

When I'm that drunk, it just becomes, I feel like I'm in a video game at that point.

That's how I ended up kind of heckling a Boston cemetery tour.

Just stand outside and be like, yo, let us in.

Fuck some fucking bullshit.

Yeah, me and my cousin heckled the Pauler Veer tour in Boston.

It was pretty fun.

Yeah.

It's like, we just got to stand outside.

This is bullshit, guys.

And everyone's like, what the fuck are you guys?

All right, guys, you're here for my podcast.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, you guys probably know me.

Saw it out, Laugh Boston last year.

I don't know if you guys recognize me.

You guys might recognize me from Laugh Boston.

Yeah, I featured for Soda here about four years ago.

You guys probably remember that.

Fucking killed.

I missed the bus.

Oh, yeah, Le Mary.

I knew somebody in the group wasn't going to make it.

The odds-on-favorite did miss the bus.

The 7.30 a.m.

What bus did you have to take?

We took a Sprinter bin

to and from the game.

Dude,

well, because the night before, he was just chasing it down with his lunchbox.

The night before, I went to the creek and I had a hoot, you know?

That's a huge mistake.

7:30 a.m.

It was two o'clock in the morning, and I was like,

I'm going to stay up.

And an hour later, I was like, I'm going to sleep.

And then

I had a bunch of words.

I was going to go no sleep.

I was going to go no sleep.

Have you ever done that?

No,

I was trying to make up the ultimate 72-hour buzz.

You know, I was trying to figure it out, but it didn't work.

No, you're missing crack cocaine.

This is what you need.

You can't just not sleep.

What are you talking about?

Never mind.

Usually the idea for the all-nighter comes from the Nasr.

I wasn't on the Nas.

I can make this draw, Ranch.

Amir's going to light his hair on fire on stage, dude.

The great

prior.

Yeah.

Yeah, Yeah, you know, he did that with the cream.

You know, when he did that, he was doing it with rum and like cotton because he didn't want butane in his crack.

Well, he would dip like cotton in some really high-proof rum, and then he would light that, and then he would light the crack pipe.

Whoa.

And then he was like high.

And he was like, what the hell?

He's like, why am I even doing this?

And he started pouring the rum on himself.

He lit one more pipe, and then

he went up in flames.

Damn, he like kind of self-immolated.

Yeah, yeah, dude.

Richard Pryor was crazy crazy as fuck.

Yeah,

I think it was kind of an attempt.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Dang.

Yeah, I don't think you accidentally catch full body on fire.

Michael J., yeah, oh, he got his full bod.

Yeah, he was like running down the street.

Wasn't he scramping down the street?

Yeah.

He was running down the street.

Luckily, that rum burns off fast.

Yeah.

I don't know about skin, though.

I mean, it's hot, yeah.

Well, when they do like a cool drink at a bar, it's like, you know, it doesn't have a staying power, but that still must have sucked.

Yeah.

That's the dumbest shit ever.

You're trying to burn yourself?

No, well, of course, that, but the drinks, the fire drinks, I can't stand them every time.

Yeah, he's doing it.

When I see them from afar, they do look cool.

When I was in, I was in Brazil.

There were so many videos of people just going

flamethrowing the guy next to them.

Dude, when I was in Brazil, they did a thing where they lit alcohol on fire and trapped the smoke, and you could smoke the alcohol under the glass.

It was kind of sick.

Did it work?

I don't really.

I was fucking shit faced.

I remember just being like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

So I'll have to try that again and report back.

I'd imagine it.

I think it tastes pretty bad.

Yeah.

Do you know what I just, speaking of fucking smoking, you know what I came across recently?

What?

Vapes for cigarettes.

Huh?

You stick a cigarette in a vape and then you smoke the sig through a vape.

It's fucking crazy.

No, I think you can just rip anything through there.

I'm so

you probably know.

Because I guess so you don't get like the nicotine juice.

So it really tastes like a sig.

It's just burning at a lower temperature, so you're not getting all the impurities.

So they do it with weed.

They find out what temperature nicotine burns off.

So that way you burn it off at just that temperature.

Wouldn't you inhale all the impurities eventually if you finish the cigarette?

I don't think so.

Where would it all go?

Because

they do it for weed.

So

THC burns off at whatever it is, like 250 degrees or 300 degrees.

So the THC burns, but the plant material doesn't burn.

And a lot of the impurities are in the plant material itself, not the nicotine.

So you burn off at the, I don't know, whatever.

Right.

Shit was crazy.

I smoked.

I smoked on it.

Really?

Yeah, I tried to try it.

I was like, I'm kind of curious, but it's fucking weird.

Is it at ACL?

Yeah.

So

somebody passed that gun.

So passed that gun.

This is a healthy cigarette.

I hope you're enjoying your Michelob Ultra.

I didn't want anything, I didn't want anything to do with it.

We're 45.

Watching T-Pain.

Try to smoke one cigarette as a group.

Well, dude, I was like, I don't really want this.

And they were like, just try it.

And I was like, yeah, true.

I should

try it.

And I took one drag of it.

And I'm like, that is like a slightly less, you know, harsh cigarette.

Still is a sick.

It doesn't taste great at all.

So, Sean, if you want to get healthy, the cigarette vape is sick.

No, thank you.

Now you get a ton of pussy vaping a cigarette.

You know one of the cooler things you can do?

What if you made it gay as fuck?

Slide it out of your leather jacket.

Have you seen them?

They're bad, I don't know.

They're really big in Europe.

In Italy, I saw a bunch of them, but they're like tiny little nubs, and you put them in a machine, and you like kind of hit it like that.

I wonder if it's the same.

That's exactly what it was.

You slide the sig right in.

So those are like different sigs, though, because I tried to smoke one of those sigs without just like lighting it, and it was really, really, really bad.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't know.

They were some Brits.

They were some Brits who put me onto it.

It's like a Europe thing.

But maybe, what do you got to do?

Like a slim or like a straight-up vape SIG?

Oh, maybe you got to roll your own.

No, it's like special,

like a jewel pod almost, but they're like little, they look like cigarette butts.

Gotcha.

And they have a little tobacco in them.

I could have sworn this was a full cigarette, bro.

Could be.

I could be wrong.

I don't know.

Yeah, maybe the technology has increased.

Innovation.

So, yeah, just look out for that.

It's something to look forward to.

If you want to look out for that, I'll be you're going to, everyone's going to cross a vape cigarette.

It's coming for you.

Certainly.

You're going to go, I'm good.

Try it.

And you go, fuck, what the hell?

Yeah.

Try it out.

You go, yeah, okay, well, that's great.

Just go straight back to Sigs.

Yeah.

I should probably start smoking Sigs.

Yeah.

My brother Tom's fighting the SIG demon right now.

I smoke Sigs gay.

That's my problem.

What do you mean?

My hand.

I don't know how to.

It's very like.

I'm not good at it.

You smoke them like an old barfly?

Yeah.

Let me tell you something, honey.

I had to smoke a SIG in that movie I just did, and the guy was like, Don't hold it like that, hold it like this.

He's like, It's a lot cooler.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is you.

If you hold it like this, I go, this is how I do it.

Yeah, like a fucking diplomat.

You smoke cigarettes like a diplomat.

You're mad making decisions.

I think you were right about this.

This is for SIGS.

This is for joints.

Only a try-hard smokes.

How do you smoke SIGs, Guardian?

Yeah, that's a real cigarette smoker.

You're right.

You should have told that director to shut the fuck up.

He would have sent it back.

I'll smoke them out of the fuck I want.

No, that's kind of how it was.

People were going nuts.

You motherfucker.

Shut the fuck up.

That would make me so nervous.

I'm already so nervous about any film thing.

If someone's screaming, I'd be like, I'm going home.

I'm not doing this.

I can't deal with people screaming right now.

It's supposed to be a really cool scene.

You're not my dad.

It was very hot out.

It was going to be a really, I hope it comes out nice.

It was too hot.

So we were just standing outside.

How many times did the film seem to be?

Me in the cage, man.

Ripped.

Together.

Yeah, it was pretty sick.

That's huge.

But I was supposed to be smoking sigs, and I was.

Yeah.

Cooler.

he's like cooler do it again cooler this time cooler cooler and then you just keep having to smoke a new one because it was you know heavy take this episode is brought to you by mint mobile if you're still overpaying for wireless it's time to say yes to saying no

at mint mobile their favorite word is no no contracts no monthly business

no overages and no hidden fees guess what no bs i've had enough

i'm not going to make you say it's just premium wireless wireless service on the nation's largest 5G network.

Ready to say yes to saying no?

Make the switch at mintmobile.com/slash drenched.

That's mintmobile.com slash drenched.

Upfront payment of $45 required, equivalent to $15 per month.

Limited time new customer offer for first three months only.

Speeds may be slow above 35 gigabytes or on unlimited plan.

Taxes and fees extra.

See Mint Mobile for details.

Your ambition just met its match with Robin Hood.

You play for the win, not just on game day, every day.

Channel that drive into your money.

Trade stocks and ETFs, apps, options, and futures all on one platform.

You expect more from yourself.

Expect more from your money.

Get started today at robinhood.com slash your money.

Your money, your move.

Guys, I'll be at the Helium Comedy Club, Buffalo, New York, at a 4.30 p.m.

Saturday show.

Please come to that.

Then Bricktown Comedy Club, Tulsa, Oklahoma, 10.24, 10.25.

Off the Hook Comedy Club, Naples, Florida, 11.7, 11.8.

Comedy on State, Madison, Wisconsin,

I'll be there at 11.14.

And Funnybone Comedy Club, Syracuse, 12.19.

And it was that one Missouri Review Canada.

It was that one.

That was a good room.

That's a shit.

Out of biz, bro.

October 17th and 18th.

This weekend, I'll be at Resorts World in Las Vegas, 17th and 18th, Las Vegas.

November 7th,

I'll be in San Francisco.

November 8th, I'll be in Sacramento.

What do you think of that, Lamar?

I'll be where the Kings play.

I think.

Oh, December 4th and 5th, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona, and Phoenix, Arizona.

Hello.

Get in front of the camera.

You gotta hit the camera.

You gotta get directed.

You gotta make sure the wires are...

Oh, shoot.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, shoot.

There you go.

Come on, man.

I'm coming.

I'm sorry.

This is big.

No one's going to come if you don't get it right.

Hello.

I'll be

in Cincinnati on November 29th at the Comet.

Please come to that if you can.

And Optimum Noctis is next week and the first and third Tuesday of every month at the Creek in the Cave.

So please come.

Tickets are at SeanGardini.com.

Last thing we need is his nerd dawn.

Mogging us, dude.

It'll be close to the camera.

Mogged.

Please come.

All right.

Thank you.

Did you watch the Charlie Sheen Netflix thing?

I haven't.

I heard it's great.

Oh, it's really great.

There's a part about Nicholas Cage where

he goes to the front of a commercial plane and he's like, hey, everybody, this is your pile of speaking, and we're all going to die.

Nicholas Cage is?

Oh, he's apparently, apparently he's a bigger party monster than Sheen himself.

Cage is an animal.

I didn't know he was such a beast party man.

Yeah, I think.

Like, Sheen, I think, from what I heard about the doc, Sheen tips his hat to Cage.

He's like, bro.

He does.

You think I'm a motherfucker.

Cage is the cage.

That guy.

They had to wean Charlie Sheen off of cocaine.

Yeah, I heard how they did it.

It was pretty great.

Oh, yeah, they gave him the dealer kept giving him less and less.

Yeah, and he's like, this shit's not as good.

I don't even like this anymore.

What did he call himself?

He was a not a, no, an Adonis or something?

Doesn't he call himself some?

He's like some sort of mythological.

He was like saying he was like one of the Knights Templar for the Catholic Church or something.

Charlie Sheen?

Yeah, he was like smoking crack and being like, I'm basically one of like the papal assassins.

Puri, he's like dragon blood.

He's like dragon blood, Adonis.

Tiger blood.

Tiger blood.

That's it.

Yeah, tiger blood.

Winning.

Tiger blood.

Wasn't that from a pitcher?

Yeah, he said he heard a pitcher.

He was on the phone with a pitcher, and a pitcher was telling him, you got tiger blood, and nobody can stop you because we're winning.

And then he did an interview like the next day, and that was just replaying in his head.

Yeah.

I mean, whatever drug makes you think

you think you're a Knight's Templar.

Toss me some of that.

Assemble the army.

That would be so funny.

Dude, Saladin is marching on Karak.

Assemble the army.

My brother was telling me

he's been getting into just researching the world religions.

and he now he's now he's on islam and he has he's like dude my wife is cool i'd had the gita i had the bible on my nightstand

soon as i slap down the quran all i'm getting is questions she's like what do you what is that what are you doing what are you doing

yeah as a babe you got to be a little sauce there

now hold on a second she shook bro yeah i'm telling you the quran's basically how to be a boss man yeah for real it's how to boss up It's literally is frame.

It's like how to get frame.

I was like, dude, you should go full Muslim and just dominate full white Muslim.

Yeah, I was like, dude, you marry.

I was like, obviously, don't marry one of your cousins, but get as close as you can for the sister wife.

That is such a boss move.

Yeah.

To just like have a wife and then be like, yo, check it out.

It's my other wife and she's my cousin.

Yeah.

I'm not trying to be Islamophobic.

I'm not, but that's

what I'm saying.

I'm saying for all the like how to be a boss man type shit, you'd think their countries would be doing a little better.

Shane, they just got peace.

Here's Here's what I'm just saying.

For all the shit talk I see them do.

You think they'd be doing a little bit.

No,

they would probably appreciate you pulling them up as brothers and be like, brother,

you've totally conquered the babes.

You got to give them that.

You guys have conquered the babes.

But that's the problem when you're conquering the babes that hard.

It takes up so much of your energy.

Yeah.

Dude, imagine that.

Being like, you know how long it would take me to fucking put a tablecloth on my wife?

Fucking four-hour discussion.

Yeah, you wouldn't get anything else done.

That's your whole day.

That's your whole week.

That's 40 fights.

More power, too.

More power, too.

Nothing but respect for our Muslim brothers.

For real.

But that's like, dude, it'd be, you know, she'd be like, no, no, no, it's not form fit.

I'm like, geez, put the fuck on, man.

Get the goddamn fucking kid off.

Fuck.

It's gonna be all right.

There's peace now.

We can make fun of them.

There's peace.

We can make fun of them again.

Yeah, these are the powerful Saudis.

They love jokes.

Powerful Saudi.

They do love jokes.

They love jokes.

We also have to get off the Jews' ass now, too.

What do you mean?

No, they still get made fun of for a while for what happened.

Yeah.

Maybe not all the, not the American Jews, but the, yeah.

Yeah, the Israeli ones.

They don't just go, all right, peace, we're done.

Everybody forget about that.

Yeah.

Then in 10 years, we'll be back.

And, yeah, we'll see, man.

it is sick that america gets to celebrate that peace yeah it's nice it's like yeah even though we sold a lot of those weapons

peace we got it done baby peace

they get the credit it is nice yeah to sell all the munitions and be like guys

let's be nice to each other all right yeah this is over

i feel like america could just be just we should just slide into pure diplomacy and arms obviously and arms selling sell arms and do you know diplomatic stuff just trying to you know i'm trying to keep the american uh exceptionalism dream alive man a lot of people are doubting in the country.

It's like, knock it off, man.

I don't know.

Not this country, dude.

You don't want to doubt us.

Hell yeah, Le Mer.

You're a patriotic guy.

I love this country.

I thought you were William Goldberg.

I fucking love this country, dude.

China got some cool stuff, but I fucking love this country.

I'm not buying the China hype, dude.

You're going to piss me off of that shit.

Yeah.

I don't know, man.

They got a spray that.

They what?

They got a spray that men's broken bones.

Yeah, this is all made up.

This is all made up.

Fucking glue, LeMaire.

We had glue a long time ago.

Yeah, we had glue forever.

This is all made up.

Jesus Christ.

You're getting all your China.

I see the China Facts.

They're on Instagram.

It's a meme

on Instagram that goes, dude, hey, it's a fox with slammy eyes.

China Facts.

China is, dude.

They're putting their servers at the bottom of the ocean to cool them.

That's how smart they are.

They're making gravity batteries.

Yeah.

Nothing's true.

They're making gravity batteries?

Yeah.

So they can store all their energy and then just like move it to the batteries to a different thing.

Please.

What does that mean?

What do you think?

You you saw one meme and you think you can explain it that's watched a video it was at least 10 minutes and it's just a building it's a big building what do they do put them in like a three liter soda bottle and then like push them into water

we already have that technology

it's just out of a grahuka

it's a way to move batteries around and like store energy in an efficient put them in a fucking freezer dude we already know

keeps batteries long as hell man my uncle did this i brought a pair back i brought a pair of double A's back that way myself.

Yeah, I think you're ready to go.

Toss him.

Yeah, dude, I'm telling you, I'm not buying the China hype.

Do they have the fucking minerals?

Yeah, whatever, but we'll get them.

Trust me.

We'll get our hands on those sauce.

We'll get our hands on those minerals.

That's what I've seen my country do the whole time I've been alive: be like, guys, they're doing some bad stuff over there, and they'll go take their minerals.

It was crazy that China was like, hey, Israel, stop that.

You know,

like, did you guys kill a bunch of Muslims?

Maybe.

Yeah.

I think they camped them up.

The Uyghurs, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah, they had a Uyghur camp.

Yeah.

But, and they fucking have

child slaves making shoes.

They're like, you're,

you're, you guys are, to Israel, they're like, you guys have atrocious humanitarian,

you know, like, oh, yeah.

Backgrounds.

I'm telling you.

China was like, those kids should be working.

Stop killing all those kids.

You got to put them to fucking work.

China was probably so confused.

We would have taken those fucking kids.

God.

Yeah, are those suicide nets a real thing in those factories?

I think so.

At Foxconn, they were.

The place I was making the iPhones.

But that's also videos I saw.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Suicide nets is crazy, bro.

So crazy.

That'd be nice.

I feel like every job should have those.

Suicide ads.

We put them on our bridges.

Do we?

Yeah.

That's kind of chill.

That'd be a thrill to just jump on.

We put them on bridges and top golf.

Those are the only places you're not allowed to do it.

You cannot commit at top golf.

Yo, that's such a party fail.

Committing at top golf.

Trying to commit at top golf?

That'd be crazy.

After a bad shot.

Your girlfriend just beat you in the third straight game.

You can't even hit the ball.

It's just landing in the fucking point zone.

Yeah, it's fucking bull like i hit it further than her like i got in the red blinking thing it's like this is life is meaningless it's time to leap from the third floor of a top golf break your leg be fine

caught in the nets worse than a death though bro caught in the top golf net oh god i'd just go kill me

kill me

get fished out by like seven of the like teenage employees it would take so it'd be like how did the egyptians build the thing?

A hundred people with ropes pulling me out of that thing.

Yeah, remember

yourself in white claws.

Oh,

run me over with the ball collecting machine, dude.

Just fucking chop me up into that thing.

That's a tough way to go.

Hey, man, after you fall in the top golf net, I would fucking light myself on fire.

Yeah, that'd be so fucking.

I feel like if you fall in the top golf net,

by some law of physics, your ass has to come out of your pants.

Your ass definitely comes out of pass.

Your cracks getting split by a rope, for sure.

It's just cheeks sticking out.

And there's a family underneath you.

God forbid it's a hot chick party.

Coming, ew, look at that guy.

They probably set up where your tenis pokes through one of the halls, just your tenant through the little square.

Just a Timberlink out there.

Your ass is out to your family.

It was full Timberlink.

JT guy.

JT got crossed with the tenis trap.

I was thinking about JT when I was watching T.

Payne.

I was like, because did you see the videos of of him with the hood up just like phoning in his concerts?

That's because he got the

Tennis Flytrap, dude.

After the Tennessee flytrap, you go, I'm done with this.

Fuck my whole production.

Fuck whoever's going to do it.

True, true.

Yeah, if my producers fucked me up like that,

I'd have the fucking rain jacket hood on just being like,

man.

Yeah.

That would piss me the fuck off.

If they set me up on a Tina's flytrap, I'd be fucking furious.

Dude.

Just annoying.

Are you checking out the Tennessee flytrap?

The net, the Golden Gate Bridge net would be a tough one.

It'd be so scary.

Yeah, dude.

Because they always say, like, the few people that have survived, they're like, as soon as I let go of the rails, I was like, oh, fuck.

This is a huge mistake.

Yeah, for sure.

But then you're stuck in the net.

You're like, get me out.

I'm sorry, everybody.

I want to live.

I want to live.

You got to roll.

You're going to roll under the bridge just looking at the roof like, holy shit, I can't believe I did that.

How far down is the net?

Does it give they give you a little taste of like the

gravity battery?

Yeah, they should give you at least like a 20-foot drop.

So you can be like, or maybe 10, 20 feet is a little

bit.

Yeah.

So you can, just right before you experience free fall, you go hit a net.

Yeah.

Because they should get, it shouldn't be, I guess it's got to be far enough to where you don't see it because you see it yeah so what do you do people still successfully kill themselves on that bridge like by jumping

because that'd be tough to fucking leap on that 20 feet the net

oh they give you god damn oh i'm going right through that net

it's not the same thing but i i have a chemex coffee thing you know like the glass face looking things no i bought i had to buy non

i had to buy non-chemex coffee filter speaking of going through the net i bought a non-chemex filter being like, I don't need those fucking.

Dude, I poured my hot water through, bursted right through.

I was fucking livid this morning.

Pissed me right off.

Yeah.

Kind of, you just reminded me of that.

Yeah, that'd be me.

I was like, when you said that, I'm like, it is possible.

You think things can hold.

Sometimes they fucking burst.

Well, those nets are built for people who commit.

And if you commit, you're probably about 120 pounds.

Yeah, true.

Typically.

Not a lot of big dogs.

That's true.

Not a lot of big dogs commit.

Don't commit.

No, bro.

They have too many.

Yeah, true.

Dogs are grubbing.

Interesting.

yeah you gotta be a skinny one to commit yeah i guess you're right it's a skinny sad boy yeah it's a skinny man's game that is and ladies well

ladies

yeah they don't really asians yeah asians are not afraid to commit especially in san francisco oh really you know there's a lot of asians there yeah they definitely are i've seen them yeah you remember uh one of all i don't know if this is i don't know one of our friends got stuck in the ball pit that would be uh that's like a top golf net jake the snake i know i didn't want to say it he does a whole fucking joke about it yeah jake matera he fucking gets a joke about it

yeah yeah that's yeah front of the fam that's rough dude that's rough i will say it's the foam pit i'm not gonna slander him in the ball pit he got stuck in a foam pit which dude those things are a little yeah tougher you think like i'm gonna do a fucking backflip into this thing on the trampoline it's like

i always like i watch the x games and they do the uh like or not the x games there's a skate park woodward around us that you could do at a half wipe you go into a foam pit it's like i would do 10 backflips into that thing you see the foam pit you're like i'm just gonna jump dudes miss the fuck out of that.

Dudes miss that phone pit all the time.

Yeah, it's like kind of tough to get out of those things.

Yeah.

It's not the oasis you thought it would be.

Yeah, dude, it's still a brutal fucking

like having everybody come to help you.

That's like a brutal one.

Getting stuck, dude.

I was in the ocean.

a couple months ago and I like just laid on my back and just kind of was like, I'm just going to float and chill.

And I got like, it was pretty rough season.

I got pulled out far enough to where I was like,

fuck, some of these kids are going to have to pull me me in.

Fucking truck, I was swimming boats, I wasn't going anywhere, and I was like, dude, one of these fucking hot tan kids are gonna have to rip me into sure.

I'm gonna be humiliated.

And I just swam like literally, my life depended on it to get back because I was, you know, when you're like not going anywhere in the ocean, yeah, I hit that, then I had to like float, and I let the water push me forward.

And you know, thank God, I'm kind of chill like that.

But

but that it crossed my mind.

I was like,

fuck, I might have to get carted in.

What would you say?

say?

I'll say, thanks, fellas.

I put the hand up.

I would just go, come get me.

Yeah.

Come get me.

Come on.

Help.

Help.

Hey.

You got to yell loud, too.

Oh, yeah.

Over the waves that far away.

Or you got to scream so loud.

Or you just give the classic.

Yeah.

Put your head under, come up and go.

Yeah.

That would have fucking sucked, dude.

It would have really sucked.

I was on the edge.

I was like,

if I don't make any track, I don't get any traction towards where I can stand, I'm going to throw up the flare.

That would have fucking sucked, dude.

Trying to think about how fat people suicide.

I mean, every day.

I'm just trying to think about it, though.

Fat suicide?

Yeah, it's slow.

Yeah.

I think it's just more leaving Las Vegas style with the Cheetos.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I don't think they really blow their heads off.

I don't know.

I could be wrong.

Yeah, I think that's a good thing.

I think suicide is a thin man's game.

Yeah, how many fat people blow their fat heads off?

Well, because, like, if you're fat, all you got to do is get skinny, and then you're like, oh, I'm not that sad anymore.

But if you're skinny, no, then you become a child molester once you get 10.

That's happening to Jared.

You got to watch it, man.

You're right.

Yeah, it's like the Benz.

Like, when you come up, when you're scuba diving, you come up too fast, you get those crippling pains.

If you lose too much weight too fast, you're like,

I can't have those tasty treats anymore.

I can finally catch one of those little guys.

What is it, Guardian?

What'd you find?

Was I right about thin suicides?

It's hard to find like a good figure, but it says a lot of obese, well, around 15% of obese children think about committing suicide, I guess, from being bullied and stuff.

That's obviously, dude.

But then it's more common in

it's

20% obese females report suicidal ideation and then 8% obese males.

So it's pretty low.

80%.

No, 8.

Oh, I was in 80%.

It's hard to find like that.

I will say

the schizophrenic community can bulk.

And they're not afraid to,

you know.

Yeah, they'll do it.

They'll go into the event.

Schizophrenic people are getting crushed by AI, dude.

Yeah.

I can see that.

Yeah.

It's tough.

Dude.

Yeah.

Those Sora videos came out of nowhere and they're fucking good.

Yeah.

I've heard about that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's kind of, although, you know, now we have all the deep fakes to be like, fucking deep, another deep fake clip of a podcast talking about tablecloths and shit.

Fucking bullshit.

Fucking Sora bullshit.

Yeah, it is kind of nice.

We'll be in like complete fake reality, so you don't know.

You won't know what's what.

Yeah.

yeah yeah we're kind of already there because it was like you know there was the trump alleged letter to jeffrey epstein the beautiful mystery and he's just like that's not real and you're like fuck it might be fake sent him a new bio letter yeah draw i will say that's pretty tough to draw to write like a weird cryptic message in the shape of a woman's figure yeah

i mean i mean dude taking that out of context that is a sick letter to send to one of your boys

if it wasn't about, you know, a child sex island

for sure.

Without a doubt,

without a doubt.

That is a boss movie.

Yeah, if you get rid of the child sex trafficking, get that out.

A lot of what Epstein was up to was fly.

True.

That's pretty cool.

But then that big one, you know.

Yeah, I know.

And you can do that for a lot of historical figures.

True, true.

Yeah, man.

He just pigged.

Pigged.

If he had like mature busty

natural island,

yeah, big St.

James.

Big St.

James.

Yeah, bro.

Having mature naturals, just like those ladies at the strip club where you look at and you go, all right, man, this is your last season.

Yeah.

There's always a no-ass blonde-haired lady that's like, put on fucking white snake pussy, and gets up there and everyone's like, get it.

He's called flaccos.

You go, God damn, you still in the league?

Holy shit, are you starting this week?

Yeah, an old stripper's called a flack hoof.

I'll tell you what, he still got it.

He still got it.

True.

Yeah, they get on.

I mean, it's so hard because they're following like a 22-year-old Dominican lady just absolutely gracing the pole.

Then you have a lady bust out like fucking flying to the ceiling, crawling on the ceiling.

Exorcist.

Just an old bony white-haired lady with giant bangs.

You're kind of like,

where the fuck did you crawl out of?

Here I go again on my own.

Come and get it, boys.

I'll wait.

I swear to God, every time I've been.

Let's get a dance.

Let's get a dance.

You know, I'm like, what are you, fucking gay?

God damn, lady.

And you're mean?

You know who I've got my eye on?

The mean, ugly one.

That's who I want to dance with.

now.

Sometimes I've rode the dragon of the fucking Flacco of the strip club.

It's not all, it's kind of a nice move.

You can still play, yeah, yeah, they know all the tricks, they know the tricks, an old dog, the old dogs, man.

They know the playbook, yeah, they know the playbook front and back.

Yep, they're aware of the Kelly Blue Book, and they go, Look, we're throwing some bells and whistles.

There's a secret compartment in here where you have to bust it out

with the KBB.

Fuck the KBB,

It's bullshit.

Yeah, I know.

It's dealership propaganda.

You know.

I did nothing but battle with the KBB.

Some fucking old guy would come in and go, well, Blue Book says my car is worth this much.

And I'd go, dude, the whole thing is bullshit.

It is.

Yeah.

And you want to know how much the car I'm selling you is worth on KBB?

You want me to do that?

Yep.

Or we can just disregard KBB.

Yep.

Up to you.

Yeah, I like Edmonds.

I'm an Edmonds guy.

Oh, the Edmonds is great.

I still check Edmonds just to see what's going on.

Yeah, it's like that.

That's a live market.

I just want to see what you're doing.

You just want to know what's going on.

That's a live market value.

Looking at the trades.

I love checking out the trades.

Have you ever just been chilling somewhere and picked up an auto trader and try to pretend you're like, give a fuck?

I've done it before.

I've like just scanned an auto trader, like getting my oil change just to impress the mechanics.

I think I have it at work, like when I was selling cars, to pretend I was remotely interested in this career.

I like the house magazines at the Wawa.

Those are pretty good.

Like good house ones.

You read mags at Wawa?

The house ones.

They have all the houses in it.

Like, you've never seen that one?

I kind of know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I love those.

You're like, ooh, I'm going to get this one.

Yeah, it's like, look at this.

I hope Shane gets this one.

Ooh, this has got a nice, cool house.

I thought you were talking about like the home decor.

You're talking about the ones straight up for sale.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's kind of tight.

I'm just like looking at them.

The yards.

That's nice.

I need a yard.

I got to get a yard.

I got to to get a tend to this.

You got to clean up that.

There's still shit everywhere.

Maybe that's how we can solve the that whole like homeowner crisis.

You know, if like people, they're saying like people, you know, if the millennial and whatever Gen Z won't own houses, we could like VR them in a fucking apartment.

We could just like walk outside and there's like a white picket fence.

I was like, hey, neighbor, place looks great.

And you get to go, thanks, buddy.

You can customize it to make them all mature naturals.

Every single neighbor is like, oh, my my jugs are out again, aren't they?

No, that's okay.

Man, we could get a little mature natural island going.

Yo, man, no, everyone would be everyone, like, this is a major improvement.

Peace in the Middle East, not a child sex island.

Big daddies would be crazy, bro.

Big Korean naddies.

Are we Korean naddies?

Don't get greedy.

We were dying.

That would have gone too far.

That was the search.

That was the search.

I forget one of my brothers is on the biggest.

My people mad.

Bakery and Natties.

People might be as up in arms about that as Little St.

James.

Bakery and Natties?

Yeah, the jealousy.

True.

You'd be guillotined.

They'd bring it back.

This is the French Revolution.

They have an island of Korean naturals.

That'd be tough.

That would be tough.

You could just test them like cocaine.

You would just touch a pinky and go,

oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You swirl them and like you rub them in the liquid.

It turns purple.

You're like, oh, yeah.

That's the stuff.

I'm going to give it a killer soundtrack to this episode.

We're doing good.

You saw T-Pain, bro.

The music's coursing through your veins.

I'll do the drum circle, bro.

I mean, this is a music town.

This is.

It's live Austin.

They're the live music capital of the world.

True.

you know.

Well, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, good episode.

God damn, did it.

See you on the Patreon.

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

Do it.