Ep 583 - Ice Cream Dream (feat. James McCann)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes. Hey.

Speaker 1 What's up, guys? What's up, everybody? How are we doing?

Speaker 1 This is just awesome stuff. This is awesome.
This is great stuff. I love this, man.
What's that? Just this

Speaker 1 podcast and chilling. I'm right now,

Speaker 1 I'm dealing with all the haters on Twitter right now. What are the haters doing? Dude, I sent like a friendly tweet out yesterday saying how much I can't believe.

Speaker 1 I can't believe how much I look like Mark Wahlberg with my hat backwards.

Speaker 1 Everyone's attacking me saying like, yeah, Mark Wahlberg quotes, and And they give me pictures of Fred Durst. I'm like, yo, what the hell, guys? It's got to be nicer than the handsome young boys.

Speaker 1 That's a nice compliment. Good.

Speaker 1 No, it's you see the picture. There's rules.
I'm going for Wahlberg, bro. I'm going for.
I was Joe. Obviously, I was kidding.
I was like, damn, I can't believe how much I love Mark.

Speaker 1 Can I see?

Speaker 1 You look exactly like Mark Wahlberg. I know.
I know. You look exactly.
I look exactly. You do a Wahlberg impression.

Speaker 1 I'll have to think about it.

Speaker 1 Was he doing a thing? Yeah, you got to show him the

Speaker 1 fucking name of the brand. Municipal.

Speaker 1 Municipal.

Speaker 1 My jeans are too short. My wife made fun of me this morning.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, you do have those. I got the project.
You got those shulties on. You got the capris, dude.

Speaker 1 Municipal.

Speaker 1 Look at the swag.

Speaker 1 Did you see him with? Did you pray this morning at 5 a.m.? Did I what? Did you pray at 5 a.m?

Speaker 1 I probably did. I would pray.
Did you stay prayed up? I always say very prayed up. Did you and A.C.
Slater stay straight?

Speaker 1 Prayed up. AC Slater stays prayed up? Yes, dude.
I didn't know that. Slater and fucking Wahlberg are boys, dude.
Are they boys? Yes, and they're tough. I saw him mogging Drewski, bro.

Speaker 1 Who mogging Drewski? Mark Wahlberg. Oh, yeah, I did see that.
Boy, where do you think I'm from? That's what he said on Drewski's show.

Speaker 1 I said, boy, where do you think I'm from?

Speaker 1 It's pretty sick.

Speaker 1 You ever see Eminem mog Wahlberg? Yes, I saw that. That was a tough one.
That was, he mogged the shit. Well, Wahlberg was trying to switch lanes, I think.

Speaker 1 Wahlberg was probably like, man, you catch me 10 years ago when I was wild now. We see about this.
But yeah, Eminem mahogan Wahlberg on TRM. Eminem was mean to him, dude.

Speaker 1 Well, he was just kind of like,

Speaker 1 it was killing him. I don't know.

Speaker 1 What was Wahlberg doing that he didn't like? He was probably partied out. Eminem, I think, hated every white rapper.
Yeah. Well, also, it was Marky Mark.

Speaker 1 So he was getting compared to Marky Mark all the time. It was kind of like a diss.
He hated. So he had to bring it to him.
He always talks shit on vanilla ice. Mark Wahlberg.
True. All of them.

Speaker 1 That's our problem as white rappers, dude. Scrabs and bug it.
I know. We got to to change the culture.
We got to stop the violence and vote.

Speaker 1 As white rappers, we need to stop the violence and vote.

Speaker 1 White rappers probably do need to stop the violence and vote.

Speaker 1 They do.

Speaker 1 I think they need to. The non-Jewish white rappers.
I think the Jewish white rappers are nice. Yeah, they're fine.
You think the beastie boys are cool for each other? They're definitely cool.

Speaker 1 Dude, I was at a, fuck, where was I recently? Buffalo. I was in Buffalo walking into a show and a guy was like, yo, yo, check it out.
It's Adrock's jacket.

Speaker 1 He was like, I think he said, drive limos, and Ad Rock left his jacket. It literally said Ad Rock was an old Beastie Boys jacket.
It's incredible. It's awesome.
He let me wear it.

Speaker 1 He goes, I didn't even. He's like, put it on.
That's how you started feeling like Mark Wahlberg. What the hell you're talking about? What the hell are you talking about? You felt the fucking.

Speaker 1 Adrock flowed through you in the jet action. The blood of the white rapper came.

Speaker 1 I really felt the power, man. You felt our ancestors.
I did. I felt good, man.
I put on the Adrock jacket, you know, but hey, you know, I had to give it right back.

Speaker 1 But I was kind of hoping he'd let me keep it, but he didn't.

Speaker 1 it was actually it's a sick possession yeah driving a limo and ad rock leaves a jacket and he's like dude i've been wearing this thing for like 10 years i think it was sick but yeah oh you're a white rapper oh shit

Speaker 1 i'd be rapping i'd be laying it down mr very good rapper i'll be out there i'm just waiting i'm trying to do production now trying to get other people to do the rapping and no one will buy the beats really zero beats purchased you know it's it's hard to sell beats now so you can just go on yeah you can just go on and be like people used to make like $250,000 for beats, and now it's like used to a whatever Swiss beat style.

Speaker 1 There's a million things on YouTube. I may have to pay for a feature.
It may come to it. Yeah.
What I would like to do is

Speaker 1 a street rapper. What's your hook? You got to yell something out.

Speaker 1 Yell something?

Speaker 1 Like, we the best. I'm like, I'm Lupe Fiesco.
I got no hooks. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you need a cool hook that everyone has to have. Oh, like a producer tag? Yes.
Was it Lupe's first and 15th, or was that just the album? I think it was like his crew. Like the first and 15.

Speaker 1 First dance. First and 15, I think, was like the crew.
Just, you know, his kind of those are the days that the welfare chicks would arrive in the neighborhood. Yes, that's true.

Speaker 1 But you need like if Young Metro, don't something like that. Yeah, you need something like that.
I mean, if Young Metro don't take it, yeah. Trust you, I'm shooting you.

Speaker 1 One time we were in a car.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to name the perpetrator. Yeah.
Because I ain't no snitch. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it's me, Nate, and another white comedian in the car.

Speaker 1 And out of nowhere, he yelled, Take heat, fuck these. And he did it.
Whoa. I think he forgot Nate was in the back seat.
And we all had to just be like,

Speaker 1 oh.

Speaker 1 All right. We all agree that was a mistake.
Sorry. Everybody's sorry.

Speaker 1 I feel like you handled it well. No, it was undeniably funny.
Classic mistake.

Speaker 1 It was so loud. It was out of nowhere.

Speaker 1 I feel like the rap excitement N-word gets a. Song wasn't even playing.
Oh, okay. I thought the song was.
Oh, shit, it

Speaker 1 it was not I vividly remember he what was it when he tried to create that part in my mind like no we were at that no it was we were in traffic

Speaker 1 traffic traffic exactly

Speaker 1 I think that's what jarred it loose for me at that childish Gambino gig he did the stay awoke song which has a very prominent

Speaker 1 in it but the audience is mostly white yeah oh rap concert and it's at the it was very strange though at the peak of the chorus the energy comes right down for two seconds when everyone respectfully leaves the words out and goes back to singing the chorus.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Stay work.

Speaker 1 Creeping. They leave it.

Speaker 1 I've seen white people at rap concerts fully get their money's worth. You saw Wood Sock.
You saw Wood Sock 99. You saw DMX Wood Sock 99?

Speaker 1 I think I was at a Kanye concert where 10 million whites getting it in. I was given permission by Kanye from the stage to participate, I believe.
Really?

Speaker 1 When he was doing his tours, he would always, he would say, get into it, say the. That was a good idea.
Oh, he was like, don't hold back.

Speaker 1 I think schoolboy q has remember kendrick uh tricked that poor honky woman it's not right yeah

Speaker 1 that evil bastard wait so nate what was the was it like you just give the guy a yellow card or like what was the

Speaker 1 he was yellow he's yellow card one more it was red but

Speaker 1 i think it's like anything we've ever seen before

Speaker 1 this episode is brought to you by zip recruiter matt I'm constantly looking for car keys, phone, chapstick, glasses, headphones. There you go.
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Speaker 1 And I like to spoil them.

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Speaker 1 Yeah, it was

Speaker 1 a tough one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just so funny to know it. I screamed it.

Speaker 1 Take he, fuck this.

Speaker 1 It woke me up. I was half asleep back there.
Just coming to the house. Yeah, I think that was it.
You were quiet for a while. I think you were sleepy in the car.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we had like a two-hour drive or something.

Speaker 1 I was talking to an Uber driver in Tulsa this weekend who said he picked up this like old black lady.

Speaker 1 like an old like church lady and was driving her from the airport somewhere like kind of far away and the ride was so long that he had forgotten he had an uber passenger and he's like dude so i'm like thinking i'm going home i have a joint in my mouth i'm fucking blasting to it

Speaker 1 chilling and he said someone cut him off he didn't say what he said he goes bro i let out every word in the book and just

Speaker 1 just everything screaming and i turn around to see this little old black lady just staring from the back and going oh jesus christ like ma'am i forgot you were back there i'm so sorry about that

Speaker 1 scared of a passenger He got terrified. He was like, you should have seen the look on your face, ma'am.
She's like, you should have seen the look on your face. And he goes, yeah, I was scared.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 he dropped her off. And she goes, I'll pray for you, young man.
And just walked away. Thank you, ma'am.

Speaker 1 Yeah, forgetting you have a passenger in Uber is so funny. He goes, dude, I was like almost home.
I almost brought this lady to my house.

Speaker 1 Tell me happy to chat features where it's at. You get the good stories.
You get the good stories.

Speaker 1 Couldn't disagree more. I know you're getting good stories for the pod.

Speaker 1 I get great stories. I know you're getting good stories for the pod.

Speaker 1 But that sucks. You can said happy to chat on your Uber.
Yeah, but you're still selecting comfort to get happy to chat. You don't get that option at the lower down Uber.

Speaker 1 You don't get happy to chat on Uber X. No, Uber X, you get

Speaker 1 a lot of people. They're not getting paid as much.

Speaker 1 To make their time valuable, they'll be chatting. I've chatted them up in some Uber X.
I've had some of the worst Uber X chats of my

Speaker 1 guy explain his movie ideas to me. And then I felt like we'll just get to the end of it.
Don't interrupt. And then I noticed he had started going like 12 miles an hour.

Speaker 1 He slowed right down so that he could explain the full extent of the movie idea. It was his idea was to get homeless people to work in a hotel and make a documentary about it.
Homeless hotel.

Speaker 1 And have the documentary. Who's your driver, Matt?

Speaker 1 Fucking mad idea.

Speaker 1 The homeless hotel. Yeah, obviously.
What a cruel. But they can't stay there.

Speaker 1 I don't.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 They were making so much money from. He works in the basement for him.

Speaker 1 Also, who's choosing to stay at

Speaker 1 when you're looking up all the Yelp reviews of the hotels or whatever, you're going, I think this homeless hotel. That's a good,

Speaker 1 yeah, that's a terrible idea. What else did he elaborate? Anything? There was going to be a sequel.
He was going to hire one as a manager.

Speaker 1 He was going to open a chain and solve homelessness in America. To be fair, man, they're already equipped.
They got the shopping carts. You could have them lined up like the Uber for your stuff.

Speaker 1 You just have like a line of like 20 of them come up, put them in, they watch them just walk away with all of your stuff. Yeah, just take it immediately.
Homeless hotel would be nice.

Speaker 1 I think the answer is the military. The more I think about it.
Military? Military wing for the homeless. They need jobs.
This is how Mao Tzedong fixed the opium crisis in China.

Speaker 1 He just took everyone who was an opium addict and he put them in the army and he said, you have purpose, you have a uniform. This is what you do now.
I honestly

Speaker 1 once in the National Guard in. Turn them into the National Guard.
That would be a very scary brigade.

Speaker 1 There's a ton of work they could do in the military. That wouldn't be bad.
Hitler did that.

Speaker 1 there are many people kind of he took like insane people and

Speaker 1 criminals and shit and was just like just go kill as many people as you can civilians on the on the eastern front yeah i forget the name i'm thinking more like having a peel what's the name of that group i don't know this is the first time hearing about that uh yes look that up there's like a problem

Speaker 1 no they were just the worst people and their job was to kill civilians Well, the problem is, too, once you put homeless people in the military, now

Speaker 1 they have to answer to like military court. So I think you could beat them up and stuff.

Speaker 1 If they try to run off, I think if they try to run away, I think you'd be able to get in their face and be like, Maggot,

Speaker 1 Maggot, where are you going? Wish fulfillment right back at the girl sergeant. I'm not a maggot.

Speaker 1 I have maggots in my skin. There's bugs everywhere.

Speaker 1 I might start a street military, like just like

Speaker 1 a cadre where I go out and I'm like, get up.

Speaker 1 Wake up. You'd be the piece of pipe of kiss your mother, boys.
Just get to wake them up. That'd be a good service.
Just to wake up homeless, guys.

Speaker 1 You gotta play taps to put them to bed. You gotta put them to bed at night.
You gotta hit taps at like noon when they're nodding out.

Speaker 1 Damn, that'd be so funny blasting with the bugle. Wake up, boys.
Welcome to hell. It just reminds me of my time at the point, Matt.
Yeah, my bad, my bad. No, that's all right.

Speaker 1 There was a time they do play taps before you go to bed. Do they? And I was laying there like, I could do this.
Yeah. It's fucking nice, dude.
Going to bed here in taps. You're like.
What is tabs?

Speaker 1 Playing tabs.

Speaker 1 They play you into bed? The sad one, yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't know that they. Yeah, they talk you in at night.

Speaker 1 What was that?

Speaker 1 What was that Hitler Brigade?

Speaker 1 Get in there.

Speaker 2 It's hard to pronounce, but I think it's the Durrel Wanger Brigade.

Speaker 1 Durrel Wangers? Yeah, yeah. They were

Speaker 2 by

Speaker 2 a child sex criminal and sociopath named Oscar Durl Wanger.

Speaker 1 Nice. So that was his group of merry men.
And what did he lead? He led just like just beating people out. Another group of

Speaker 2 rapists and drunks and war crimes. Damn.

Speaker 1 And they just went around and committed war crimes in Belarus. He had the pedophile.
I think that's what it is, at least.

Speaker 2 There's a few.

Speaker 1 And what was the deal afterwards? If he survived it, was it like clean slate?

Speaker 1 I'm not sure.

Speaker 2 I'll check it out.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't think they were were

Speaker 1 looking to the future at that point with that squad. True.

Speaker 1 Well, anyway, that's a fun topic.

Speaker 1 It always sinks when you think something's a good idea, and it turns out Hitler did it, and you go, you're at a crossroad. You have to either be like, I take it back, or you go, well.

Speaker 1 I like the Autobahn. I think the Autobahn is cool.
Fast highway. We'll give them that.
Big stadiums. That's great.

Speaker 1 We like big stadiums. What? We will see how.

Speaker 2 It says after the war, they were just sent back to jail.

Speaker 1 They were all just reconvicted. That guy Hitler really was a bastard.

Speaker 1 I don't trust a word he says.

Speaker 1 Back to the clink, fellas.

Speaker 1 Good luck sleeping.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm sure the Soviets did that too.

Speaker 1 Everybody was scraping the barrel. True, and America was nothing but like those YouTube pedophile hunter guys being like, hey, what the hell are you doing? Hey,

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Speaker 1 I love it. I have a hoop playing that game.

Speaker 1 I think I haven't seen any pedophile. That was like in my algorithm for a while.
It's kind of like falling out.

Speaker 1 Pedo Hunters? The Belly Punch. Yeah, the Belly Punch.
The Belly Punch guys.

Speaker 1 Body check into the deodorant guys.

Speaker 1 Because now we need a new task force to police those guys specifically. Hey, stop punching that boot.
Yeah, once you get the taste of body checking somebody in a CBS, that's tough to get out.

Speaker 1 Checking someone into the fucking aisle is so fun. Especially when you're like, because they're watching videos of their work.
So you're like studying technique.

Speaker 1 You're like, I could have laid into that guy. I could have fucking little Mexican autistic guy.
I could have fucking really hit him harder. I'm glad you guys are here.

Speaker 1 You guys, I'm doing the same thing. I was trying to get the kids.

Speaker 1 So nice. And they're like, yeah, you sure?

Speaker 1 Oh, no. That would be nice to,

Speaker 1 you know, it'd be good. And this would be, this would be a very delicate kind of line to walk where you go online as a joke and you try to find or entice these guys you can tell are operatives.

Speaker 1 So it'd be risky because you would have to do like lewd talk with who could be a teenager.

Speaker 1 But then like you get trapped on purpose by one of these guys and you meet him in the Walmart and then you have a bigger guy than him there to be like, fuck you. I heard you're a fucking pedophile.

Speaker 1 And like, no, I'm not. I'm here to get the pedophile.
You're talking about entrapping these guys with a squad to beat the fuck out of the pedophunters

Speaker 1 for no good reason. Just pedophiles.
Just for YouTube views. Just so that's where my heart is.
You want the pedophiles to get a win on one of these videos? No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I don't want the pedophiles to get away. They are the fucking Washington generals.

Speaker 1 I want to trick them. I would hire a pedophile to be like, yo, if you got any meanups, let me go.
And I'd be like, I don't want to talk to kids like that.

Speaker 1 You want to be the guardian angels for pedophiles? No, I just want to get big YouTube views for pedophile hunter hunter, where I hunt out pedophile hunters. I like it.

Speaker 1 And then accuse accuse them of pedophilia as a prank.

Speaker 1 Jessica, it's just a dude, relax, it's a prank. It's a good prank.

Speaker 1 You want to rumble in the Walgreens?

Speaker 1 I don't want to do it. I'm going to hire a giant man.
Hire like five, dude. Yeah, exactly.
Wail on the air. And then I'd be like, we got to fucking.

Speaker 1 He'd be like, yo, brothers, I'm not a fucking pedophile. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Should honestly just start doing that to random dudes at the shopping center. Be like, you're here to meet a 15-year-old.
Be like, what?

Speaker 1 Scott's here to meet a 15-year-old.

Speaker 1 You know, now you say it. That's a way better way to do it rather than prank.
You know, rather than having to risk it all.

Speaker 1 Because you'd have to talk to local law enforcement, like, hey, I'm going to prank. We're going to be, you know,

Speaker 1 pretending to talk to kids online. I'm going to hire like AI bots to do that for me.
I'm not going to do it myself.

Speaker 1 It's not a bad.

Speaker 1 Well, it's a terrible plan, but

Speaker 1 it's a funny joke.

Speaker 1 Yeah, James, what do you have to sell? No, I think the market is, because that was To Catch a Predator, and people just took that and made that a YouTube shot. Yep.

Speaker 1 But none of the other great, weird, early 2000s TV shows that you couldn't make today have made the jump to. Like, someone could make The Biggest Loser now.
Just get a fat house and force them to run.

Speaker 1 Boss around.

Speaker 1 You're talking about a blob farm.

Speaker 1 But there were like heaps of those shows that you go, you can't do that. We were addicted to getting the fats to shrink for a while.
Oh, I would watch it. They would release it just after dinner time.

Speaker 1 You'd be eating your dessert and you'd watch the workouts. My wife went in a deep dive on Biggest Loser and found there was someone who died on the show briefly.
They were resuscitated.

Speaker 1 The biggest loser. On the Biggest Loser.
The ultimate loser.

Speaker 1 But then they were brought back to life, and the doctor said, I'll train you. You don't do any work with these trainers now.
They're trying to kill you.

Speaker 1 And then they lost more weight than anybody on the show because everyone hated them. Maybe it was, was she?

Speaker 1 She was watching the Netflix Fat People documentary. I loved that show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's awesome.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 you're saying they haven't remade enough of these shows. I think they're bringing back Fear Factor right now.
Yeah, I heard.

Speaker 1 Who's going to be the host? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Tony.

Speaker 1 Tony.

Speaker 1 Eat that ox penis.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you like that.

Speaker 1 That'd be sick if he hosted the new Fear Factor. That'd be awesome.
He's got to get swole, though, bro.

Speaker 1 That's the only thing I need. Tony Keng is swollen.
Tony's swole. The first time I came to Austin, he was swollen as four.
Yeah, he's ripped for sure. I do want to see him bulk.
Yeah, you can bulk up.

Speaker 1 I want to see him bulk and then do Fear Factor. That'd be sick.
That'd be tight.

Speaker 1 What else was there back then? What shows?

Speaker 1 Oh, in terms of like

Speaker 1 there were,

Speaker 1 I mean, there were little ones on odd channels. There was like

Speaker 1 Wife Swap. Oh, yeah.
You'd have a different woman come and live you for the week. I'm still watching that.

Speaker 1 There was the season of Survivor where they... I watched that last night, huh?

Speaker 1 There's a season of survivor where they divided the tribes by race.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, it was Parvati's first season. There was a black tribe, a white tribe, an Asian tribe, and a Hispanic tribe.
It was like the 15th season. What? And they divide them all up by race.

Speaker 1 Did you catch the whole thing? I'm about halfway through it. The Asians all hate the Vietnamese guy because Asians don't get along.
The black people are not.

Speaker 1 Also, none of them know before the season starts if this is what's going to be happening. So they get there and they go, all right, you're all over there.

Speaker 1 And then you see people looking around going, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Hispanics are very happy about it. I think I remember that season.
It's a crazy thing.

Speaker 1 On the island, there was a white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy at first. And the white guy was like, all right, I'm going to start building the shelter.

Speaker 1 The black dude, he was like, all right, you go

Speaker 1 start hunting, try to gather some food. And he was like, Asian dude, go search for supplies.
And after like three hours,

Speaker 1 they couldn't find the Asian guy. And they went out and he jumped out from behind a tree and went, supplies.

Speaker 1 I think his name is Cowboy. He was playing tricks? No, it's just a classic joke.

Speaker 1 An Asian guy thinking supplies was surprising.

Speaker 1 That's just an old, that's a throwback joke. I was like, wait, what? You said it with such confidence.
Yeah, that's part of the joke. I was fully dialed in.
I was like,

Speaker 1 that's a great joke. Hilarious.
Surprise.

Speaker 1 Where did you hear that from? Probably Phil. I was about to say, that sounds like the Elks Lodge.
Yeah, that was an Elk's Lodge. Killer, dude.
That was 10 minutes of laughing. Order another round.

Speaker 1 Let's go, boys. We got a good racist joke out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll get the Elks Lodge. Dude, that Vietnam book I was reading.
They were saying how much of an effect that just that stuff had on the war itself.

Speaker 1 Where, like, because apparently men in Vietnam would hold hands. It was very customary and like very chill for two men to hold hands in public and walk.

Speaker 1 If you were friends, you'd hold your boy's hand, you would walk down the street. But if you held like your wife's hand, it was considered like crazy.

Speaker 1 So like they, the American soldiers would just pester those guys all the time. They used to call them homos.

Speaker 1 Like I said in the book, they would give us a guy. I'm not that creative.

Speaker 1 Well, they had a guy,

Speaker 1 one of the sergeants was Vietnamese, and his family had been just decimated. And he'd been fighting since he was a 10-year-old boy.
So by the time he was 20-something, he was like, dude, I'm done.

Speaker 1 He just resigned. He's like, I'm out fighting with the guy.
They're going to court martial. And he's like, I don't care.
And he was complaining to the guy.

Speaker 1 He's like, you guys all call us fucking homos. You know why we hold hands? It's actually really cool.

Speaker 1 And I'm curious now, do Vietnamese people still hold hands? Can you look up if Vietnamese men still hold hands? Because that would be a devastating effect of the war.

Speaker 1 If Vietnamese hands in the north, this is the same thing. That's how you know we lost.
Yeah, yeah. If they're still holding hands, we definitely lost.
Yeah, if we, I mean, if.

Speaker 1 That was kind of the whole point of the fight. Stop holding hands.

Speaker 1 They're holding hands. They palm.
They still hold hands.

Speaker 1 They won, bro. We did our best.
We got in. They're like, knock it off.
We're linked arms.

Speaker 1 Link arms, my swag. Link arms.
Skipping down the streets of Ho Chi Minh City. I didn't know that.
Yeah, it's completely different. I really despise holding hands while walking.
I don't like it either.

Speaker 1 I fucking hate it. Oh, I don't like it either.

Speaker 1 You got to sink your pace up. I dude.
Sink your pace up.

Speaker 1 I get flack about holding hands all the time.

Speaker 1 I can't stand it. Especially when like if you're going to do it.
They dead fish. Women will fucking dead fish during the hold hands.
I'm doing all the work here.

Speaker 1 And then somebody else is walking down the sidewalk and we got to. I'm like, fucking get out of the way.
Get in front of me. This is my file.
Yeah, get in front of me.

Speaker 1 Hey, dude, you're preaching to the choir. I haven't gotten to do it in a long time because I'm always holding a child's hand.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And now that my daughter is almost seven and she'll do weird walks, she'll be like stepping on the cracks while holding the hand or trying not to step on the cracks.

Speaker 1 And it feels like my arm is going to get yanked out of the

Speaker 1 socket. Or she wants to be lifted in the air and do a swing.

Speaker 1 The no-warning, like, I'm going to swing from your arm shit makes me so anxious. It's like walking a dog.
It's like walking a dog when they run. Dude, fucking kills.
It hurts.

Speaker 1 It's the exact same thing. You just feel complete dead weight.
And then I'm like, you can't do that. I get so mad.
And they're like, just having fun.

Speaker 1 I don't know why you're being such a dick about this. It's like, dude,

Speaker 1 that sucks when you do that. Hurt your father's shoulder.
You do feel like a bitch. Where you're like, Vietnamese? Let's go on my hands.
What do you VC?

Speaker 1 I do feel like a bitch because she's having a nice time. She's having an expressing, you know, she's expressing love to me.
And then I go, just be normal.

Speaker 1 Walk like a normal person.

Speaker 1 Get off me. All right.

Speaker 1 You're ready for Australia with that fucking do.

Speaker 1 True. That crowboy.
The real crowboy. It'll grow back.
It'll grow back. It'll be, I just wanted a normal mullet.
I didn't know.

Speaker 1 I froze up because I think there was a very muscular woman cutting the hair. It could have been a trans person.
I don't. No judgment.
No, for sure. I don't know.
I don't know what to say. I wish.

Speaker 1 I wish I got if you shaved that beard. Yeah.
Better or worse? No, I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't be throwing around that could be trans. Oh, you think I'll be trans if I get one money? You got the fucking Starbucks due right now.

Speaker 1 You got the fucking barista. We've got to outreach to the progressives.
We've got to expand the audience. You got the complete burst.
They gave me a neck massage afterwards. I didn't ask for it.

Speaker 1 It was kind of nice, though. They put a warm towel on me and got a machine out and stuff, but it was nice.
As I felt sad about my hair, and I was appalled.

Speaker 1 I was very upset, but then I realized my mouth could be seen through the towel. She wrapped the towel around my face, and I thought my expression was hidden.

Speaker 1 But then I realized my mouth was twisted into a disgusting

Speaker 1 grimace.

Speaker 1 And I closed it up. Did they ask you to go down that far? Did you go like, because that's like a two-oh? This was the first thing they did.
They just went

Speaker 1 damn. And then there was no, I couldn't say step one.
I was like, I'm not going to go into the resistance, brother. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like it. I do like it.
It looks good. I am waiting for it to grow.
No, it looks good. I think it's cool.
It is cool. I get the wings out the back.
The worst is that they took photos of me.

Speaker 1 I said, yes. I think I'm on their Instagram page somewhere.
They did photos. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 She goes, and lovely, lovely lady. Lovely lady.
I don't know. I don't want to talk about it.

Speaker 1 But they go, I don't know if they posted the name of it. Do you want it before and after?

Speaker 1 I couldn't tell. I looked up Open Now on a Sunday.

Speaker 1 I tried to hide how it was in this town or another? It was in this town.

Speaker 1 I tried to go and get one when I was in, I don't know, Tacoma. And then I sat for an hour and I had to go to the airport.
What did a Tacoma do, too?

Speaker 1 I'd listened in Tacoma, waiting for a haircut, and then I just had to leave because the car was there. But this man was complaining about his girlfriend and how she was recovering from a C-section.

Speaker 1 Men open up in a barbershop shop and they tell you how they really feel. It was the least sympathetic man I've ever overheard.
He was literally complaining, My wife's recovering from a C-section.

Speaker 1 She can't walk and she's getting angry at me for going skiing too much. I need to go skiing so I can be there forever.
Is he getting his haircut? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Nothing bothers me more because I'm dead silent during a haircut, which I guess is psychotic. I look at myself in the eyes the entire time.
It's kind of fucking crazy. I think it was a bodybuilding.

Speaker 1 But then there's somebody else.

Speaker 1 There's always a loud fucking dude.

Speaker 1 A A very loud man. And the barber's a loud dude.
The barber can't go, shut up. Yeah.
The barber has to go, oh, it's hard about not being able to ski while your wife recovers from.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't tell them shit, man.

Speaker 1 I'm a vault. I'll tell you, I had a bit of a bad haircut myself.
I shaved my mustache and I forgot how small my mouth was.

Speaker 1 Forgot I don't have an upper lip. You know, they can fix that.
As soon as I, yeah, I should get it. You're going to get the shit.
It's almost time.

Speaker 1 Shaved my mouth and I was like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Fuck, I forgot I looked like this. I just wanted my face to look, you know, I wanted less features.

Speaker 1 Why? Because I have a completely featureless face. I feel this is, I feel, my beard and my glasses are doing a lot to hold me in.
That's nice.

Speaker 1 But as, yeah, you've got the Irish small nose, big head, small features. Yeah, it's tough.
It's all face. It's difficult.
I need my goat now. What are you laughing at, Nate?

Speaker 1 Ugly fuck.

Speaker 1 We don't know what Nate really looks like. I've never seen Nate's chin.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't even know what it looks like anymore. Do we have pics with you with a butt face? With me and my butt face.
No, I'm saying, like, when you shave, it's called a butt face. No, he was

Speaker 1 skinny before the beard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I didn't, I didn't grow this afternoon. I'd love to see, I'd like to see that chin under.
Oh, it's definitely

Speaker 1 what's going on. Clean, clean-shaven, by the way.
You're not ugly, by the way. Your hands are.
Clean-shaven is called a butt face. That's a universal.
I wasn't calling your face a butt face.

Speaker 1 I thought you thought. Clean-shape.
No, no, clean-shaven face is called a butt face. Okay, okay.
I think I would look that's universal.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. I have to admit, while I was shaving, I did.

Speaker 1 You hit it?

Speaker 1 Wait. You did the Alex Jones? You just got hit it for one second.
I go, oh, it's too powerful.

Speaker 1 It was actually an accident. Yeah.
You just, I just accidentally did it. And I was like, oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Every time. Yeah.
I've given it to myself many, many times. You do have.

Speaker 1 You're actually talking about one of my men with the fucking mullet with a Hitler stash would be funny. Hitler stash beard combo would be nice too because you're like, man, I have the beard.

Speaker 1 I'm not fucking.

Speaker 1 I'm taking away its power. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm an ally.

Speaker 1 Yeah, true. That's good.
My wife wouldn't allow it, I don't think. But I do like to come out and show her.

Speaker 1 Please show her. Yeah.
Yeah. Always.
I've been cursed, man. I have a scar right here, so my mustache doesn't connect, so I can never

Speaker 1 get it. Never feel the true power.
Never felt the power. It's never stepped in.
Well, you stopped doing the speeches in the power? No, no, no. It was quick.
It was very quick.

Speaker 1 I looked at it and went, whoa.

Speaker 1 Because it was accidental. I got the accidental stash.
You started on the ends, started shaving down the ends. You went, wait a second.

Speaker 1 Whoopsie. Wait a goddamn second here.
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Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I can't believe you nagged my dream the other day. I mean, I opened up Shane, told him, I had a nice dream, dude.
I had a dream. It was

Speaker 1 usually my dreams are all like, you know, I'm in like a scary house that's all fucked up. This was me just chilling in a nice shop eating an ice cream cone.
I had a dream. I wonder what that means.

Speaker 1 The scary house. I don't know, dude.
I'm in the same house. It's a worn-down, fucked-up house in a bad neighborhood.
You've never been in this house before?

Speaker 1 It reminds me of Mellon Street. I used to live in this house in West Philly.
It reminds me of it, but it's not that, you know, it's like a slight, like, you know, whatever.

Speaker 1 But it's, that's my recurring dream. But then I finally got a break and I was just eating an ice cream cone.

Speaker 1 And there's the lady who made me the ice cream cone was like describing what I was about to find. There's a chocolate ice cream cone.
She goes, oh, there's peanut butter in there.

Speaker 1 And I'd bite it and go, ooh, there is peanut butter. And I just ate the ice cream cone.
It was a pleasant dream. Shane's like, dude, you're a fucking pervert.
It's a sex dream.

Speaker 1 I was like, no, it wasn't. That was my sexual dream.
Clearly. That was my only pleasant dream I've ever had.
That wasn't all.

Speaker 1 Wait, did Shannon peer you in the dream to say this? Or

Speaker 1 he called me to let me know about it. I was just telling him about my peanut butter ice cream dream.

Speaker 1 I was like, yo, you're being down about men holding hands, but you're calling people with your ice cream dream. I couldn't.
Never. We were talking about other stuff.
We were talking for a while.

Speaker 1 He called me during my Constitutional. You've taken a Constitutional.
I just gotten done mine. And

Speaker 1 yeah, I was just like, I was like, dude, you'll never believe it. I had like an actual plain dog dream of just eating a cone.

Speaker 1 Pause. But it was just eating an ice cream cone, and it was just so enjoyable.
It was like, that's sexual. I was like, well, it's not sexual, it was sexual.
It was purely what did the woman look like?

Speaker 1 I don't even remember. It was like a shadow, I swear to God, it was like a shadowy figure just being like, you know, there's peanut butter in there.

Speaker 1 As soon as you would say it, I'd bite the cone and go, there is peanut butter. She kept just giving me anything she would, any treat you imagine would just pop up.
She was completely non-sexual.

Speaker 1 Satiating, yeah. It was completely non-sexual, dude.
Sweet treats.

Speaker 1 Clearly.

Speaker 1 I was focused on the ice cream cone more more than anything. So it was nice.

Speaker 1 I had a good one for you. This was making me laugh.

Speaker 1 And I don't think it's going to be that funny. I just wrote it down in my notes pretty late one night this week.

Speaker 1 I thought it was very funny, but I don't think it'll translate to sobriety. But

Speaker 1 I was laughing at

Speaker 1 me going to a Halloween party in a Braveheart outfit. See.
And Paparazzi getting a upskirt from the kilt,

Speaker 1 stepping out and just having the sitting upright tenis in a kilt. The sitting upright tenis.

Speaker 1 Getting the Lindsey Lohan.

Speaker 1 Trying to defend myself.

Speaker 1 The skirt keeps blowing off.

Speaker 1 So there's just pictures. The skirt up with the brave heart face.

Speaker 1 Classic Marina would be so nice. If you're over the great, just Monroe tenis.

Speaker 1 Like, it would be the most devastating

Speaker 1 getting out of a car, sitting upright picture of my penis would be. It's also so funny just to freeball under the kilt for no reason.
Yeah, freeballing.

Speaker 1 There's a musician in Australia called Kieran J. Callanan who went to an award show and wore a kilt.
And, you know, you go past the press photography and they're all taking pictures.

Speaker 1 And then someone goes, lift the kilt. And he does it.
And he showed his penis. Beautiful penis.

Speaker 1 But the fury on the left was huge. What? The left was mad? The left was really mad that he flashed his penis.
It was the left who asked him to flash it, obviously. Well, it was the photographers.

Speaker 1 But people started lying. People started saying saying kids were there.
Kids could have seen that penis. That was the first time I realized that many progressives are afraid of the penis.

Speaker 1 There is a fear. You know, it's always get the nipples out, show the woman's body, but a penis is somehow threatening.

Speaker 1 People are afraid of our bodies. Also, why would there be kids at an award? No, they definitely weren't.

Speaker 1 This is an insane

Speaker 1 Nickelodeon.

Speaker 1 People were getting slimed in a different way.

Speaker 1 Show us your dick.

Speaker 1 We won't see your dick. Take your dick out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's on the person who asked. Somebody asked to see it, and he showed them.
Photos came out, and all of them were censored. No one other than that saw the real penis.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I remember he had to apologize for having his penis out at an award show. There should be more penises at award shows, I think.
Decent apology, though. To say sorry, forget my dick.

Speaker 1 Sorry, my dick was out at the award show.

Speaker 1 We had a long history.

Speaker 1 I say sorry my dick was out anytime it's out. We had a long history of people getting out of the way.
Including sexual intercourse. I go, I'm really sorry my penis is out.

Speaker 1 I think we should normalize

Speaker 1 that's gay too. No frontal male duty.
I'm from a I did a lot of comedy festivals,

Speaker 1 fringe festivals. It was a very important part of the show to get the penis out at some point in the show.
That's how people knew that you were taking risks and doing exciting things. Really?

Speaker 1 Dane Rathbone would get his penis out. Dr.
Brown, Goliath Trained Clown, he would get his penis out a lot. It was huge.
And in America, no one ever gets there. No one has never seen anyone.

Speaker 1 Bobby Lou's still holding it down sometimes. He gets a dick out on stage? Yeah.
It's a less threatening.

Speaker 1 No, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's not very threatening, but he's taking chances. That is.
I hope you can get though. That's a good move.
Material's not working. You go, I got this whole base on my sleeve.

Speaker 1 Is there a sea?

Speaker 1 I thought it would be funny to record a comedy special shot from the waist. You come out, you do the whole hour, and it's all shot from the waist up.
But the dick is out the whole show.

Speaker 1 And then in the final shot, the good night, everybody,

Speaker 1 you pull back and you reveal the penis has been out the whole time. And that maybe explains how the audience is reacting for the rest of the.
Wouldn't that be fun?

Speaker 1 I'll never do it. I'll just be encouraged to do it.
That is funny, yeah. People screaming mad the entire show, but you never address it.
You just keep doing the act.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the cuts to the audience would be hilarious if the audience is going.

Speaker 1 I did.

Speaker 1 I started, I've never had an erection on stage before. I don't, I don't think nobody has.

Speaker 1 No, but I did a gig in Omaha, and a woman stood up, a very drunk woman, and she got her boobs out for no real reason. And then later she did it again.

Speaker 1 I was questioning why she wasn't removed after the first time, but people left her there. And there was a slight

Speaker 1 stirring.

Speaker 1 People have taken their tits out. It's the sort of thing you always hope is going to happen, and then it does, and you go, now's not the time.
Yeah. I'm trying to, you've actually ruined the anecdote.

Speaker 1 Who is she with? A very embarrassed man. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I had to kick a lady out this weekend. I had to kick an elderly lady out.
What was she doing? Well, hold on. Did you get hard? Yeah, true.
It was the very faintest

Speaker 1 you pulse.

Speaker 1 I had it, there was, it moved. It was a pulse.

Speaker 1 Of course, the body cannot help, but a woman is standing and doing and showing. Is she attractive?

Speaker 1 She was a long way away. I would imagine no.
Yeah, I feel like I'm not. She's a trendy sandup.
I just saw tits while I was doing Santa there. I did that.
I tried not to. I said, madam.

Speaker 1 Put your tits away. But it was a.

Speaker 1 I believe they left her. The gentleman should have jumped in front of her tits.
Yeah. Should have blocked them.
I said, come on.

Speaker 1 Should have bodyguarded. Excuse me.
Taking the bullet for the president.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 usually a lady flashing her tits in public is

Speaker 1 not great. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah.
But I think if it had only happened one time, I would have been fine. I could have moved on.
But then when it repeated, she just kept

Speaker 1 it. It happened to me in Westchester.
Tits for for me.

Speaker 1 I was walking past a bar, and I was with O'Connor, and we were walking by, and I guess people in there saw me, and they're like, come in, come in. So we were like, all right, we'll come in for one.

Speaker 1 And a lady just ran outside and showed her tits. Whoa.
And she wasn't, it wasn't great. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was terrible. That stinks.
It was actually scary. Yes.
Yeah. But if you think that would be very nice.

Speaker 1 You know? I mean, how are you supposed to even respond? Like, somebody on the street showing you their tits, you go, all right. Yeah.
Nice. Good job.
Thank you. Appreciate that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, really, there's no way to be like, oh, cool. Great tits.
Yeah, nice job. Thank you.

Speaker 1 You got to like, and then, like, you, well, you get, what are you supposed to chat that person up or just be like, yeah, I just literally just walked as fast as I could pastor. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Damn, that's devastating.
If you showed your tits and the person was like,

Speaker 1 anyway,

Speaker 1 I wish I had another set of hands. It's like,

Speaker 1 four thumbs down. The milk's gone bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's like, I'm sorry, ma'am.
What do you want me to do with that? Well, I'll titty fuck you. Right here.
Thank you. On the street.
Should have for real called the cops.

Speaker 1 Like, sir, I've just been flashed. It's against the law.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sir, I'd like to report a sexual crime. My girlfriend was with me, and she was mad.
Really?

Speaker 1 There's nothing to be mad at. She was a...
Yeah. She was nasty.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well.

Speaker 1 Although I'd be furious if a dude showed his dick to my girlfriend. I'd be like, what the fuck? I guess the equivalent for a dude would just be

Speaker 1 butt cheeks. Yeah, if he just showed his butt cheeks.
Butt cheeks. I'd be fucking pretty peeved.
Yeah, but if it was a hideous butt, you'd go

Speaker 1 kick him on the ass.

Speaker 1 Kick his ass. Dude, if someone presented their hideous ass to my wife, yeah, that'd be really mixed feelings about that.
You'd laugh. That'd be a good time.
I don't know. I might be upset.

Speaker 1 If I was walking and there was just a big, hairy butt presented to my wife, I'd be like, sir,

Speaker 1 I might get a little resentful. I'm like, sir.
We're talking about an Arab butt. An Arab butt, yeah.
Full beard.

Speaker 1 Scared beetle.

Speaker 1 A scuttle butt. We're talking about a guard dog butt.

Speaker 1 Talk about red long hair.

Speaker 1 There's nothing wrong with having James's beard.

Speaker 1 There's nothing wrong with having a big red hairy butt.

Speaker 1 You got Clifford? There's nothing wrong with

Speaker 1 nothing wrong with having it, but if it just got presented. You can't show it, dude.
No, I keep it discreet. Yeah, you can keep it tucked.
You got a hairy butt?

Speaker 1 You know, I suppose not globally, but it's more hairy than it used to be. Yeah, it gets a hairier.

Speaker 1 We've talked about that. You don't touch those hairs.
I'm not. They've been growing.
I'm not ever getting them since the backstage.

Speaker 1 I'm not getting it waxed. No.
I'm not having any mainstream. So what was it at first? Just like ball hair that moved up, and now you're getting ass cheek hair? You get a ball hair.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You get the ball hair and you get the tuft. I get the tuft up here.
it's the shaft hair that i want to discuss top of the crack like a butt yeah like a rabbit tail

Speaker 1 a little tuft yeah my dad always called it an asshair extension

Speaker 1 my i have a pretty hairless butt though my my like

Speaker 1 we've been blessed with irish d in it's true we do have a hairless irish butts we're like those cats with no hair

Speaker 1 we're like those cats with no hair yeah

Speaker 1 But yeah, no, I had a lady. I didn't kick a lady out.
I felt terrible. It was like an older lady.
She just wouldn't stop talking. And I had to be like, all right, dude, like, for real, you have to go.

Speaker 1 And I always give a lot of chances. And I eventually was like, dude, you're pissing everyone off.
You got to go. And she was like, acting like, I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 I'm like, all right, well, just beat it then. And she was like, I'm a pillar of my community.

Speaker 1 Started tearing up. And I was like, instantly, I fold.
I go, oh, never mind, ma'am. You can stay.
And then they're like, the bouncer was like, no, fuck it. We're getting her out of here.

Speaker 1 And her husband tried to stay. And I kicked him out.
And I said, get out of here, you fucking piece of shit. Get out of here.
No way.

Speaker 1 I always encourage male the male to stay yeah but that lady couldn't be out there by herself she's going to cause problems i'm like get out there bro that's your problem go deal with it let her cause problems sean was on stage this week and i removed the man from the room did you it was a very drunk child

Speaker 1 he seemed very young he might have been of age but he and he was drunk before he got there but it was at the velveeta room and sean he would be very chatty during my set and then he was saying

Speaker 1 bizarre things to you

Speaker 1 he didn't like you at all so i took him out and he you have that effect on people fronted up Yeah, I'm not very likable.

Speaker 1 He was getting ready to fight. He puffed his butthairs at you.
Oh, yeah. He gave me a little, he didn't do like a fake,

Speaker 1 but he did, he made himself large. He was, is it squabbling up? Yeah,

Speaker 1 he started to bristle.

Speaker 1 What did you do? How'd you get him out? I said, I asked the audience to give him a round of applause. I thought that would soften the blow.
And I said, We gotta come on. You personally kicked him out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no one else was, someone else was running the bar, and then it was me. I had to.
And he left. What was he saying to you?

Speaker 2 He kept calling me a bitch and saying...

Speaker 1 This is a problem he's saying. Yeah, Dyrus would keep calling me a bitch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he kept calling me a bitch and he was just mad.

Speaker 1 I couldn't even really guess why he was talking about it. The woman he was with was very upset.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I think I kind of went too hard at that.

Speaker 1 Well, dude, there's a lot of young guys.

Speaker 1 A lot of guys on Coke at the shows, I've noticed. I was saying hi to people after the shows.
You get a whole lot of people. They go, you want to do some blow? You go, no, thanks.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't even get asked, but you look at these dudes and you're like, damn, bro, you're gacked out. You catch the fucking like the white ring around the nostrils.

Speaker 1 It's like, no, I was with you in Pittsburgh where a guy wanted to do

Speaker 1 a blow. He was very upfront about it.
Yeah, yeah. You get that.

Speaker 1 You were very discreet. You said, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 I'm not joking. I get offered Coke at 90% of the bars I go to.

Speaker 1 Every time. Every time someone goes, yo, yo, come on, man.
It's a blow. Come on, man.
a funny way to do it. I'm not even doing shots.
I'm joining a couple brewskies. Come on, man.

Speaker 1 No cocaine. Take it easy, boy.
But, you know, once in a blue moon, I'll go,

Speaker 1 yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's see what happens. And then severe depression kicks in.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's good stuff. Yeah, that's the.
That's truly all it does. Yeah, it just gets you.
Just makes you pretty sad. You're fun.
You're having a good time for a minute. And then just sad.
Yeah. Sounds fun.

Speaker 1 Sounds not fun.

Speaker 1 I'm glad Sean's got off of it. He had a bad problem with it.
Sean had a real issue with it.

Speaker 1 Every fucking other week he was like, oh, I did some Coke.

Speaker 1 Glad he's cleaned up his act. That was really fun.
It's time to clean it up. What would your mommy and daddy say?

Speaker 1 They'd be devastated to know their little Sean was down here snorting up lines like he's scarfed.

Speaker 1 Thinking he's a tough guy around town. Someone's going to show them this.

Speaker 1 No one's going to show them this.

Speaker 1 Someone. Well, you beat the habit.
They're going to be proud of you. They're going to say,

Speaker 1 they're going to say, our sons are recovering. They're going to love you.

Speaker 2 There's moles out there in my family, friends, and just circles that tell my parents everything that's said about them.

Speaker 1 That stinks. My dad gets reports.
Whenever I say anything gay about my dad,

Speaker 1 whenever I say anything gay involving my dad, it'll eventually, like two months later, he'll be like, heard you're saying a bunch of weird stuff on your podcast.

Speaker 1 What the hell are you talking about? I heard about some weird shit you were saying. I'm like, what are you talking about? And I'll have to go back.
I'm like, like, oh, fuck. Yeah, my bad.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 they all listen. And then you go, please stop listening.
It's like, I miss you. It's the only time I get to hear your voice.

Speaker 1 It's dead.

Speaker 1 It's a classic misdirect. That was nice.
It's Comedy 101. I saw that.
That was nice. I was like, grandma.

Speaker 1 That was good stuff right there. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks.
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Speaker 1 With the basketball season starting, some players have been looking real scary on the court. Please riff about any players and picks you might take.

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 1 I like Vijay Edgecombe. It's been very fun to watch.
Yeah. I see.

Speaker 1 He's a young fellow on the Philadelphia 76ers, and I like watching him. I would like to pick him.
Oh, I'd like to pick Anthony Edwards. I would just go with him, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm feeling spooky today, so I'm going to mix that basketball pick with a football pick. That's spooky.
That makes sense. Let's go with Cam.
Oh, they wanted me to say Cam Scataboo.

Speaker 1 He's been a menace, but he got severely injured this past week. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 So they were wrong. Oh, yeah.
You got to take that back.

Speaker 1 Hmm. So who would you go with instead of Cam Scataboo? Matt, you've missed your line, dude.
Yeah, these picks are spooky as,

Speaker 1 I would say, a giant skeleton. The 10-foot skeletons

Speaker 1 those picks are as scary as 10-foot skeletons. Yeah.
Download the Prize Picks app today and use Code Drench to get $50 in lineups after your first $5 lineup.

Speaker 1 That's Code Drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

Speaker 1 Prize picks. It's good to be right.

Speaker 1 Take it away, Matt.

Speaker 1 Guys, here's where you can see me perform live. I'll be Off the Hook Comedy Club in Naples, Florida, 11-7, 11-8.
That's going to be fun. Comedy on State, Madison, Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 I believe Friday sold out. We'll see.
But 11-14, 11-15, come to that. And then the Funny Bone Comedy Club, Syracuse, New York, 12-19, 12-20.
Guys, please come.

Speaker 1 Then I have a, I'm going to announce a larger tour very soon. Oh, that's exciting.
Yeah. Stay.
November 7th, I'll be in San Francisco. November 8th, I'll be in Sacramento.
Come on, y'all. Please.

Speaker 1 I steal a microphone. Thank you.
November 1st and 2nd, I'll be in Buffalo. November 5th, Oklahoma City.
And then the next night, Tulsa. Then Huntsville, Nashville, and Washington, D.C.

Speaker 1 And then I sleep.

Speaker 2 Please come to Optimum Noctus November 4, please.

Speaker 1 Optimum Noctus, November 4th.

Speaker 2 Creek in the Cave. Thank you very much.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Happy Halloween.
Oh, yeah. Creek in the Cave, too.
I'll be in Halloween. Tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Very spooky laugh, Sean. Yeah, have a lot of fun.
It was Halloween night. I just want to have a little bit of a turn.

Speaker 1 Giants.

Speaker 1 I found out this week.

Speaker 1 Fully activated.

Speaker 1 I found out.

Speaker 1 I was talking to an LSU fan. Is it LSU, the Louisiana? LSU just lost, didn't they? They did lost, and they fired their coach, and they paid him $54 million.

Speaker 1 But I found out about what the music they would play. Suck that tiger dick? Suck that.
They bring out a tiger

Speaker 1 and 100,000 people scream, suck that tiger dick, bitch. It's very catchy.
It's a good song. It's very fun.
But it's, I didn't, the variants of the.

Speaker 1 I mean, at Notre Dame, they lift people up and they take a little child and they lift him up and down. They say, well, no name's a

Speaker 1 good family-friendly school. Yeah, this isn't fucking Louisiana.
Suck that tiger dick, bitch. It's very catchy.
And they banned it. And then I found out Lamar, what's his name?

Speaker 1 Odell Beckham. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The man who used to play for them, he went and conducted the band and paid the fine because he was so he wanted to hear them scream. Mac if he did it at Gameda.
I did. It was pretty fun.

Speaker 1 All he did was sing the opening notes. Yeah, he knew what he knew.
And people took over. He knew what would happen.
But no, their coach they fired was Brian Kelly.

Speaker 1 Yes, who used to be Notre Dame's coach. He was a Notre Dame, man.
What? And now he has $54 million. He said, I'm going to go somewhere else where I can compete to win a national title.

Speaker 1 And I can't do it here at Notre Dame. And he went to LSU and he stunk.
He shit the bed. Yeah, didn't they? I just saw him lose terribly.
The game was on this weekend. You know what you'd like.

Speaker 1 They have the governor of Louisiana gave like a press conference about it.

Speaker 1 I had no no idea he sounded the way he does. He's got full Creole.
Does he, really?

Speaker 1 What we need to do here, I'll find a new coach now.

Speaker 1 His money's going from the people.

Speaker 1 It's incredible.

Speaker 1 It's CJ Landry, who's a big LSU fan, and he told me about Coach O. Actually, I thought the governor's name is Landry.
Well, I'm sure there are he's part of the noble French families of that state.

Speaker 1 But this Coach O wants to come back. I love this.
He's at the real jacked up Aisha. Oh, yeah.
He's got the Creole as well. We need him.
I'll try to do a go.

Speaker 1 Try to do a press conference here.

Speaker 1 But he was, I think he was laying with women, which was. I saw the photo.
Which is pretty awesome. Students.

Speaker 1 Some students. Turns out a lot of those SEC coaches, I've heard rumblings.
Oh, no. That they're not afraid to kiss some of the students.
Really? Some of the southern bells. It's tough.
Allegedly.

Speaker 1 Actually.

Speaker 1 What's also because I could see them being like, babe, I'm on the road. It's like, we live there.
You're kissing the girls where we live.

Speaker 1 You're like, well, okay, now that you bring that up, I guess you got a point there. Yep.
Kissing the coach. I'm not accusing anybody, but Lane Kiffen took a very

Speaker 1 interesting photo. Let me see.

Speaker 1 He took some hot yoga on campus, I believe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they got to bring those guys to Guantanamo, bro. Look, I've done hot yoga before and I've never had good intentions.

Speaker 1 I'll be honest. No, of course.
Curving the entire time.

Speaker 1 I needed someone to put a sack over my head and drink. Probably that on Instagram.
Bruh.

Speaker 1 That's a real bad man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. I mean, it's, yeah, been there.
Good lord. I've been down.

Speaker 1 I've been down that hoardy path before.

Speaker 1 It's funny in the class, too, because they will say, guys, they'll be like, everyone, eyes forward, and you're just like, ooh, my bad. Did they say that in the class? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No accusations to the Kiff, man.

Speaker 1 Obviously not. Honestly.
We got our eye on you right now. Posting the yoga pick is.

Speaker 1 Did he post that or did someone post that? He posted that. Bruh.

Speaker 1 Thirst trouble. I believe he posted that.
Damn. He's got a tight body, though.
Yeah, he's shredded. He's shredded.
Definitely. I guess he'd be

Speaker 1 ectomorph, I believe. No, perhaps.
It's probably an ectomorph, I had a guess. Or maybe endo, I forget.
Bit of an otter.

Speaker 1 I'm on a powerlifting journey right now. That's awesome.
Yeah, I've been beefing with my wife. I really think my T is getting raised from powerlifting.
Oh, good. She's been like, dude, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 I've been more angry. She's been getting, yeah, I've been, dude,

Speaker 1 laying down the law. Laying down the law.
She's really, she's pissed at me as we speak.

Speaker 1 She, I was, I don't even know what was going on. I was just like, I was asking her to order Uber Eats for me on the, like, when we were coming back.
And I was like, dude, get this.

Speaker 1 And they, there's like an option they couldn't do to customize. And she's like, I already ordered it.
Because I was like, fuck that. I'll just go to Sprouts and grab food.

Speaker 1 She's like, I already ordered it. And I looked at her phone and she had hit by, but you've got to hit like two more things.
And I was like, you're lying. You didn't buy it.
You hit back.

Speaker 1 She was like, why are you saying I'm lying? I was like, I don't know. But yeah, I'm jacked out a little bit.
Maybe that's where your dream came from. The ice cream? Just

Speaker 1 a woman just giving you whatever treats you wanted. No, you know what?

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, you're struggling with Grubhub.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Could be. Although there is a thing called ice cream maxing, which you eat ice cream to like bulk.
Could be that too. I've been doing that.
It's all Pamponia. It's all powdered.

Speaker 1 Yeah, now that you mentioned it. I've been getting down to the ice cream parlor.
Really? Lovely waffle guns.

Speaker 1 It's a good walk with the children, and then you have a little, uh, you have a little ice cream. Stuff with kids because you're like, let's get you guys a treat.
We'll get you guys a treat. It's good.

Speaker 1 Every time I'm home, I do nieces, nephews, I'm like, dude, you guys want to go to fucking Dairy Queen?

Speaker 1 Let's go.

Speaker 1 I have only been to Dairy Queen once, and I didn't realize that they did that for everybody. The milkshake.

Speaker 1 I just thought it was an incredible display of...

Speaker 1 Faith in the product, but they all

Speaker 1 do this. I can't think of another fast food place where they give you a little show on the way out the door.
Blizzards Blizzards are nice, too. Yeah.
Blizzards rule. Fuck with Blizzards.

Speaker 1 Did you see the man who went to get a McFlurry and they told him the mixing machine was broken? They're always fucking broken.

Speaker 1 But then he sneaks back there and he uses the mixing machine and goes, all right, is it broken? No? No. That's got to be staged.
How the fuck did you get back? Actually, you probably get past it.

Speaker 1 You just walk right. Because no one's at the counter anymore because it's all the screens.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me see the videos.

Speaker 2 The videos of the people jumping through the drive-thru window.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 That's a good trend lately. They jump back there and they play loud music and they just dance all the fast food employees.

Speaker 1 Did you have the trend here where people were buying soft-serve ice creams and then throwing them through the window? Fire in the hole.

Speaker 1 That was old school, dude. Dude, my friends participated in that.
It's not right. It's not right.
It's not right. Actually, I did not participate, but they took my mom's car.

Speaker 1 And I got in trouble for it. Did a fire in the hole? They do have cameras.
And they go, There's the license plate. Send the cops to his house.

Speaker 1 Mom, it wasn't me. They took my car.

Speaker 1 So I was like 20.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was... I don't think we ever did a fire in a hole.

Speaker 1 It could have been one. I don't know.
Yeah, you get the biggest soda you can get. Yep.
It's like a 68-ounce fucking Coke.

Speaker 1 After CKY came out, it must have happened. Yeah.
It's really like an epidemic for sure. So mean.
CKY hit the fucking throwing a body off a bridge.

Speaker 1 under car to cars yeah that's insane yeah that's really dangerous yeah they would just make a dummy throw it over a bridge so it would hit a car when it was coming by.

Speaker 1 Who's CKY? Bam Mar Jerry. Bam Mar Jerry.
Oh, yeah. It was like their early video of their stunts, shopping cart, you know, shit like rolling in the shop.
That was awesome.

Speaker 1 I used to throw golf balls in the highway. That's fun.
That's not a good one. That's a bad one.
That's a real bad one. But it's fun.
When you're a kid, it's fun.

Speaker 1 Snowballs was the best. Snowballs.
We've covered it, I think, a million times, but unbelievable. Hitting cars with snowballs.
Yeah. Fucking rules.
So fun. They get out and chase you.

Speaker 1 You got to run away.

Speaker 1 It is funny because I know a couple people who've gotten tackled and got I witnessed a guy getting his ass kicked, but I was in the car as the adult, and this guy got out and was like, fuck that.

Speaker 1 And we just chased this kid down, just pushed his face in the snow, made him cry. Nice.
Yeah, it was pretty fucked.

Speaker 1 How much are you allowed to retaliate against a child? Because you've got to be able to do something.

Speaker 1 I watched a guy kick their ass.

Speaker 1 I think you can kick a kid's ass. You can face wash them.

Speaker 1 You know, when there's like a gang of children and you think

Speaker 1 if I get into a fight with this gang of children, I think some of them are 14. yeah if i win the fight i look very bad or if i even do any damage in the fight if they beat me up that's much worse

Speaker 1 body body you got to just go to the body the whole time yeah it was on it was on site when i was like growing up we would like walk down the street and like older kids would drive by call us names if we like threw something at their car they'd pop the doors and chase you down they'll beat your ass so i think there's something good about that yeah especially if like young punks if they're like young punks doing stuff and you get out you can get out of the car i think and just whoop their ass yeah it's good their parents will probably side with you back then for sure yeah now i don't know now they're pressing charlges yeah if you whooped the young punks ass now i think you'd yeah their mom would be all up in your face

Speaker 1 i was i was looking into curtis sliwa who did the uh guy running for mayor in uh new york yes yeah

Speaker 1 he might be one of the funniest people

Speaker 1 alive i didn't i didn't do his breakfast club interview yesterday what he fucking rules i didn't know he did the breakfast club hit dude he's awesome on it he also, he kind of makes you want to vote for him.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, he's pretty, he's hilarious. He got shot by,

Speaker 1 he was talking shit on the Gottis. He had like an AM radio show where he would just be like, he would talk about the mob in New York like it was sports.
He would like cover it.

Speaker 1 He would just name everybody. He'd be like, this is the guy.
This is the restaurant they blew up. Yeah.
This is what they're doing. Like he just, he knew everything.

Speaker 1 And so one day, Gotti sent a bunch of guys with baseball bats to his house and they beat him. They beat him with bats.

Speaker 1 Then he kept doing it. So they had a guy pretend to be a cab driver, wait outside his house, pick him up and turn around and fucking shoot him.
He got shot five times and jumped out of the cab.

Speaker 1 According to him, out of the window of the cab.

Speaker 1 This guy rules. Yeah, he's a fucking man.
And I didn't know he was running. Here's the thing that tops it off.
He was a night manager at a McDonald's in the Bronx.

Speaker 1 Unbelievable. You want to talk about fire in the hole? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's fucking, that might be the worst job I've ever heard. That's unbelievable.
And so that's where, so he founded the Guardian Angels because they had,

Speaker 1 like, they started defunding police back then. I think it was the 70s or 80s.
So there was no cops on the subways at night. So everyone in the Bronx was just getting really fucked up.

Speaker 1 So his night shift crew and him, the Mickey D's workers,

Speaker 1 after they clocked out. would ride the subway trains and fuck people up that were out of line, dude.
They rule. he rules what's the

Speaker 1 he rules he rules yeah i mean that's uh i mean dude the bat attack is hilarious and he loves animals doesn't he hates kill shelters he's like that's one of my platforms we're shutting that down oh that's awesome he's adopted 17 cats i think it's it's a lot of cats a lot of cats dude yeah

Speaker 1 new york doesn't deserve him they won't get behind they won't rally around this great man yeah that's kind of

Speaker 1 but he's gonna it's gonna cost cuomo the election because he won't drop out cuomo's no way cuomo will win anyway If he dropped out, there'd be a chance. You think?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I think most of the people that would vote, Slee was running as a Republican. Yeah, I got you.
Most of them would side with Cuomo over Mamdani. Mom Dami.
Mom Dami. Oh, Mom Dami.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think Mom Dami probably will win. Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 I don't know. He's got all the celebs backing him, dude.
I know.

Speaker 1 I didn't like, man.

Speaker 1 I think it's cool when comedians support politicians publicly. Yeah, I just think he's a fucking

Speaker 1 crybaby, dude. He's a crybaby.
I saw him crybaby, and I was like... Who's he crybaby? Oh, the.
9-11.

Speaker 1 What are you doing with 9-11 crybaby? I'm like, bro.

Speaker 1 Shut it up, man. I'm just like, dude, we have problems.
I get it. That must have sucked at the time, but also like, bro, way to make 9-11 all about you, man.
Like, I just don't like that shit.

Speaker 1 It's 20 years ago, man. You got stuffed in a locker because, you know, people didn't understand the difference in the Middle East.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 I i mean that'd be yeah i get it it wasn't my dad my dad had the terrorist hunting permit on his uh bumper sticker for a while but i didn't bully any indian kids after 9-11.

Speaker 1 a lot of a lot of indian guys love to cry about post-9-11 it's like dude we were all hurting all right

Speaker 1 i had one difficult post 9-11 moment at school what happened to you because i mean we were all finding out about what Islam was at the same time.

Speaker 1 It hadn't been a real cause to know about it.

Speaker 1 And I think my mom said, you know, she was trying to do a nice thing, but she didn't really, she said something like, you know, it's not all Muslims, but she didn't know the word for it.

Speaker 1 The Muslims who were. So she said, you know, there's the good Muslims and there's the Allah Muslims.
She was just associating. She was going, the Allah Muslims.

Speaker 1 And there was a Muslim girl at our school. I said to her,

Speaker 1 you're a Muslim or one of these Allah Muslims. She goes, no, we love Allah.

Speaker 1 At that point, I was like, I can't believe this girl is allowed to be here with us. She's an Allah Muslim, everybody.

Speaker 1 Did you know my

Speaker 1 her? I just was shocked, and I let her know. I don't think that's good.
I would have been in this, you know, year seven,

Speaker 1 year six. I was 12, 11, 8.

Speaker 1 Yeah, or it's important. I've never even thought of you as a young boy before.
That's so fun to think about. It's just this.

Speaker 1 This is a more relaxed version.

Speaker 1 Oh, are you one of those Allah Muslims?

Speaker 1 Yes, I love Allah.

Speaker 1 Get her out of here.

Speaker 1 Just seemed like a safety problem.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was the one thing, though. When I saw him hitting that, it was like, bro, come on, man.
Hit me with some city plans. Don't hit me with 20 years ago.

Speaker 1 Fucking, you know, I look forward to seeing his grocery store. Actually, the thing that

Speaker 1 I didn't realize they want to shut down gifted and talented programs at public schools. That's crazy.
That's one of his policies.

Speaker 1 You have a poor school full of poor kids. You get one kid who's like, I like reading and I'm good at maths.

Speaker 1 And so you just have one teacher at these schools usually who can go, all right, you're the only one who wants a future. We're going to try and give it to you.
Yeah. And they're going to shut it down.

Speaker 1 That's his plan. I mean, this is.

Speaker 1 Because I guess he's saying it's not. Yeah, he's probably going to give it to like free lunch programs.
So I mean,

Speaker 1 what? Was that a fart?

Speaker 1 Is it excitement part and free lunch? Free launch.

Speaker 1 Fart.

Speaker 1 You'll fart it off the free lunch.

Speaker 1 What the hell was that? That was nothing.

Speaker 1 LeMare, you definitely love Mom Dami.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't like him. You don't like him? No.
What the hell? He's out of nowhere. He's from Uganda.
He's out of nowhere? He's just random. That's a good call.
He's out of nowhere. He's out of nowhere.

Speaker 1 I don't like him. He's super new.

Speaker 1 He's man new. He's so.
He's too new. Why? He's green.
He's just too new. Yeah, he's green.
Give us what Sleevo hit him with. He's green.
Sleevo hit him with it in the debate.

Speaker 1 Sleewa was dominating the debate.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I only heard secondhand. He was like, you could write down all of Mondami's accomplishments on a single napkin.

Speaker 1 You couldn't write down all of Cuomo's failures if you had the entire New York public library.

Speaker 1 Everyone was like, oh,

Speaker 1 because everyone hates Cuomo. So Sleeva's kind of like, Sleeva's not going to win, so he's kind of everybody's boy.
Everyone's like, dude, fuck your rules.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Seriously, I don't know anything. No, the

Speaker 1 public grocery store, store, I'll be interested to see how that works out. Because I'm not inherently against it.
I just want to see if it works.

Speaker 1 I know they've tried this a bunch of times, and I feel like it's kind of ended disastrously.

Speaker 1 But I'm curious to see if you can get the, like, because I don't know what that would do to, like, you know, a private grocery store if you're just like, yeah, we got apples for fucking 40 cents.

Speaker 1 I mean, do you just have the one affordable butter? Do you know

Speaker 1 what I mean? There's got to be a requirement to be able to get access to the free grocery store. True.
Which will probably just be Snap, which is, isn't that already? It's winding up.

Speaker 1 I don't know anything about it.

Speaker 1 Government is still shut down. Still shut down.
You're talking about the Democrat shutdown? Yes.

Speaker 1 Every day. Trump's working so hard during the government.
The Democrat shut down. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Japan gave him some golf clubs. He's fired up.

Speaker 1 I saw one of the White House things they put out. I think they did like an everyday I'm hustling thing, which is Trump walking around the halls.
They really need to stop.

Speaker 1 Like during the government shutdown. They really need to stop making fucking hype videos.

Speaker 1 So many literally, the ice hype videos bother me so much. Yeah, well, it's just funny, too.

Speaker 1 Like, if, say, like, you know, you're from the shutdown to just all of a sudden get like a cool song with Trump walking through the hallway and be like, never mind, we got this. This is sick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, never mind. So tight.

Speaker 1 I don't need to eat in November.

Speaker 1 But yeah, public grocery store. I'll be curious.

Speaker 1 When are the elections? For

Speaker 1 wouldn't that be November?

Speaker 1 Could be a good move for the Dems to keep the shutdown going.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 1 whatever it takes.

Speaker 1 I can't go to a Sweet National Parks. Yeah.
Yeah. That's the only serious plan that'll run out.
I think you can definitely go during the election, though. Yeah.
I think they run out in November.

Speaker 1 It's a good move to keep those closed. They're not stopped.
Keep those closed and get it. That's what it's got to do.

Speaker 1 Starve the poor. Starve the poor.
Make a classic.

Speaker 1 Get them out the vote. They need to stop the violence and vote.
Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 Dang, that'd be crazy if it really was like that level of tactics where it's like we're going to start hitting like medieval French. It truly probably is.

Speaker 1 Just starve, get some people, some people hangering.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I was.

Speaker 1 The hangry populace would be

Speaker 1 Democrats are honestly voting for the shutdown. That's weird, man.
I think a few of them are to make sure it's still going.

Speaker 1 I could be wrong because

Speaker 1 I don't think the Republicans have enough votes to keep the shutdown going. I mean, dude, it does require a few Democrats to vote.

Speaker 1 Whatever. I don't, again, the Republicans are voting to pass it.
You need 60%, is my understanding.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, what I've seen is that they're. I don't know anything.
Well, I think the pubs were like, yo, there's a bill they're trying to do.

Speaker 1 And the Dems are like, no, we need, you know, we need to fire the.

Speaker 1 I think the stuff they took out from Doge are like, fire that shit back up. So I don't fucking know either.

Speaker 1 But if, if, if that is the case or it's some classic like let the people get a little hungry I don't know that'd be pretty fucked I think air traffic controllers are gonna have to start working for free really that was I think that was the next step no

Speaker 1 it's not good she's a bit of a difficulty I'm guessing it'd be like a big IOU I guess they'd get their money

Speaker 1 which should be lump sum

Speaker 1 well Good luck to everybody dealing with the government shutdown. Is the government shutdown still costing us flyovers? That's the real thing.
I'm not worried about the hungry, the 40 million people

Speaker 1 not getting food. But it is flyovers for sure.
I need flyovers. Yeah, that's fucking bullshit.

Speaker 1 That's bullshit. And also, I need war with Venezuela.

Speaker 1 Those are the things I need. Yeah,

Speaker 1 we're the thing we're... Dude, remember I said we're going to go to war with the cartels? That's not Venezuela, but they're talking like cartel wars.
They're blowing up.

Speaker 1 Boats saying those are cartel boats. Yeah, man.
That's coming.

Speaker 1 I knew that was down the pike, man. You saying you called it? I called it.
When? Dude, like a year ago. I was like, we're going to go to war with the cartels.
I think he did that a year ago.

Speaker 1 I think he named them terrorists. Really?

Speaker 1 Well, I guess it would have been this administration. Because

Speaker 1 my prediction was that that way the United States can control the opioid production

Speaker 1 and then legalize heroin here and then cure homelessness, opioid crisis by handing out basically government-controlled heroin. So I was like, they're going to attack

Speaker 1 all the people down in Mexico doing the cartels and they're going to take over the supply and just be like look let's just like

Speaker 1 legalize this and control it. You want to legalize it? They don't legalize.
Legalize. Legalize the crocodiles.
You need the Charlie Sheen the homeless.

Speaker 1 Start fucking slowly, you know,

Speaker 1 making it less potent. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They don't respond well to that. They usually

Speaker 1 yeah, I mean, it's also, there's no way it's getting less potent. They have they have something stronger than fentanyl now.

Speaker 1 They have the new thing that's like 50 times stronger than fentanyl, which was like 50 times stronger than heroin. So, yeah, they're still rocking.
They're rocking in the free world for sure.

Speaker 1 They are. They really are.
Keep on rocking. Imagine getting to the point where heroin's not enough.
I just, I mean, heroin seems.

Speaker 1 What? Heroin is that easygoing, relaxed one now? It's just heroin. Yeah, I think heroin's like, yeah, I guess it's not enough.
I guess it's more of a gentleman's drug now.

Speaker 1 Sophisticated. Well, there is also, people say when you have things illegal and you crank the pressure up in terms of like, you know, you get so so much jail time for heroin.

Speaker 1 So then it incentivizes making things stronger in smaller doses so you can sneak less of it but get more bang for your buck. So I think as long as it's illegal, they're going to keep ramping that up.

Speaker 1 I've been watching Singapore video.

Speaker 1 Lee Kuan Yew, I think was his name, but the Singapore prime minister for like he ran a one-party state in Singapore for a long time.

Speaker 1 And people were saying, you've got to stop executing people who come to the country with drugs. How many families are lost to these drugs? How many people are killed because we don't kill?

Speaker 1 He was a hard man. You love that.
Why?

Speaker 1 I don't approve of it. You feel like a strong man.

Speaker 1 I do love

Speaker 1 the damn thing.

Speaker 1 I'm a strong man.

Speaker 1 I've been in trouble for this before. There's gay.
I don't know what it is that comes out of me. Every time I see a strong charismatic man, say, bold steps have to be taken.
I think. I like that.

Speaker 1 Trump is getting into that now where he's talking about killing drug traffickers. He's like, we'll kill them.
They'll be dead. And it's just, he's getting into that bad.
He mentioned that a while ago.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He did that recently, too.
Bringing it back? Yeah, he brought it back.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because that guy, yeah, that one guy gets to do it all the time where he's just like, they just started killing all the drug traffickers. Duerte, whatever the fuck his name is.

Speaker 2 Duterte? I don't know.

Speaker 1 He's gone now, though. I think.
Is he out? But yeah, Trump's talking. He wants to get in on that action.
Well, he wants the bold man to be like, I'll kill him. He's been fucking bombing some boats.

Speaker 1 Have you seen that? No, the cartel boat is a big one. That's a big hot video.
It's just fucking

Speaker 1 drone striking any. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't know Venezuela was a big cartel hub as well.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Colombia is.
Yeah. Borderline, I think.

Speaker 1 I guess, yeah. But no, it's all.
I think it's an excuse for some reason to go to war with Venezuela. Fucking, what's his name? Who's the gay guy from South Carolina?

Speaker 1 Lindy Graham was just calling for it.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 They really want. I think our fleet is going to Venezuela right now.
Oh, crap.

Speaker 1 What the hell? That would be.

Speaker 1 They better not. It's not good.
Yeah, we don't need to be stoking up. What would we fight them for? Yeah, especially with all China and Russia then buddying up.
If Israel has come down, you've got...

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 another war somewhere. You can't just have one war going.
Yeah, is Israel done? I thought that was still some stuff going on with that. So we're winding that up.

Speaker 1 I think Israel's not afraid to break a ceasefire.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think they're still fired up. I don't think either side is really afraid to break a ceasefire down there.
True.

Speaker 1 They're living in the free world. Hopefully, maybe Israel will send us aid if we get

Speaker 1 all all the benefits get taken away. Maybe Israel will send some aid here.

Speaker 2 It'd be nice.

Speaker 1 I did just find out they didn't get involved in Iraq. Who? I thought Israel would have sent troops to Iraq with you.

Speaker 1 Israel does not send troops to any American war. Oh, they're busy.
They're all used up. They are busy.
They've got a lot on. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The one thing I like that the IDF does is they post, or just Israel, they post like hot chicks. Oh, the final.
And they're like, I'm Jewish. What do you have to say about me?

Speaker 1 What the hell? What the fuck is that all about? You've never seen the hot IDF.

Speaker 1 I feel like I've seen that, but I know they're going that.

Speaker 1 I thought it'd be like join the IDF, like, check out our maybe a little bit of that, but they're also like, I'm Israeli, do you hate me? It's just the hottest chick you've ever seen.

Speaker 1 It's like, no, you're like, Well, no, I love you. Yeah, clearly not.
No, they had a conversation. You're not doing the wrong thing,

Speaker 1 fuckers. Yeah, that's also weird to be on the offensive as a military.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, our United States military is not like, What are you racist bitch and just show like a jacked black guy? It's like they did do that for a little while.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you've seen it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, 2020, they were hitting some wild shit. That's crazy.
I never, I would never, it's weird as a military to be like obsessed with, like, were you guys mad at me? It's like, dude, do your job.

Speaker 1 Honestly, they're posting hot checks and me, like, are you still mad? And they're like, nah, don't worry. Come here.
Come here.

Speaker 1 I forgive you, IDF.

Speaker 1 Let's keep posting babes.

Speaker 1 Did you find some?

Speaker 2 Seems like they're pivoting a little, at least on Instagram.

Speaker 1 No more babes.

Speaker 2 Couldn't find many babes. It's more just like

Speaker 1 other stuff. Like what?

Speaker 1 Tangs. Videos of being like that video you saw of a baby getting his head ripped off is fake.
Yeah, yeah. I know they'd hit those videos.

Speaker 2 It's just like soldiers.

Speaker 1 What they post like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm not afraid. Yeah, that's crazy, man.

Speaker 1 What the hell is that all about? Dude, they're so hot. Dude, he found the babes in two seconds.
All you have to do is Google hot IDF female soldiers.

Speaker 1 I was looking. Oh, you were looking for the official.

Speaker 2 I was looking on Instagram, but I have seen the babes. They were doing TikTok dances for a while.
Yeah. In their fatigues.

Speaker 1 It is funny to be like kind of

Speaker 1 coming to some sort of like. IDF babes are.
That's a good move. It's a good brainwash.
That's good, good propaganda. Yeah, because I stay out of things.
And you're like, you know what?

Speaker 1 A lot of people are saying that. I don't want to get involved in this politically.

Speaker 2 Cash Patel is married to one, isn't he?

Speaker 1 An IDF babe? Pretty sure. I think.
Yeah. What?

Speaker 2 That's their strongest weapon, is their babes. Yeah.
One of them, at least.

Speaker 1 They do use babes.

Speaker 1 Sometimes underage, and then they film you.

Speaker 1 Gotcha.

Speaker 1 True. Gotcha.

Speaker 1 All right. That's good, Ender.

Speaker 1 On to the Patreon. Giants.
Bye.

Speaker 1 Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.