Ep 550 - Blazer Tag

wow wow wes you they said it couldn't be done i know they said it could not be done nobody would be crazy enough to do a podcast live from blazer tag i know i didn't know you could pull it off dude this is yeah it turns out it's pretty easy to pull off yeah true what are you guys doing at uh one o'clock in the afternoon on a day they're closed we got blazer tag it's just i was glazer tag. God damn it.

I know it was a mistake to get up here. God damn it.
You got that blood taken out. You're a little fucking weak.
I mean, yeah, it's hard to podcast knowing laser tags on the back end. What are you thinking about? Yeah, we're going to be taking hit the tag, come back and report.
What are you thinking about teams? I'm thinking fats versus thins. That's not bad.
Fats versus thins is going to be nice. You're close to thins.
There's some true fats. Do we have enough fats? We have enough fat.
I think we have enough fats. I think we'll have more than enough fats.
But the fats are going to be camping. You're going to have to breach that room.
We're not leaving. Although we could gas ourselves out.
One of the fats, Spider could hit another blazer tag for it. Clear the room.
Just friendly fire. We might send Spider in as a little suicide bomb.
You bomb you guys are gonna shoot him a lot but he's getting a fart I see him preloaded on the Cheetos he's got the Cheetos we're just gonna fucking go in all the lock fire did you eat a burrito before you came uh no oh thank god but what did you eat I'm sure it was fucking catastrophic I didn't eat I didn't eat oh an empty empty belly with Cheetos. That's a good recipe.
Dude, he gassed out my house the other day. Did he really? Oh, no.
He took his shit in the far room. And I was like, fucking the sewage is fucked again.
I just had plumbers here. It was so bad that I was like, and it really fucked the whole house up.

It was an impressive dump.

Was that when we thought he died?

No, this is the second dump he's taken recently.

Worse than when my dog diarrhea'd in your house.

Yes.

Whoa!

That was clearly dog shit.

Out of water, too.

I mean, who knows what he did in there.

It was just a tube.

Damn, dude. Oh, there's my fucking gym shorts.
I'm looking for those. Goddamn spiders wearing them.
I didn't know they were yours. What was going on with that dump? What led up to that? I just hadn't been dumping, dude.
It was a fun weekend. You were blocked up.
I was blocked up. He dropped an insane one.
The girls were there. They were screaming.
People were upset. Oh, my God.
We opened the doors. We had to open the doors of the house.
You crushed the girls? Crushed the girls. Crushed the babes.
Was it a giant log or like a pile? No, that was a pile. It was multiple.
It had to go back. How many flusher? Just one flush.
That was a one flush? It's impressive to clear out a house in a one flush. I mean.
Yeah, we thought he was dead. We were joking around.
We were in the pool and we were like, maybe he's dead. And then we all kind of like thought about it for a while.
And we're like, somebody should check on him. Did he have a two-hour dump for real? He might have Elvis out.
It was a long dump.

And then we had the realization that one of us is going to Elvis out.

True.

Between the squad, I think we have a pretty high.

Speaking of Elvis, it's out.

Someone's dying on the shitter in that.

Reporting for duty, Team Pat.

Team Pat reporting for duty. Team Pat.

It's going to be tough for pat because he's been losing weight

reporting for duty team fat oh yeah that's gonna be camped though that's gonna be tough you guys will have to breach the room yes you guys gotta get the tactical another reported for duty

what up pat Yes. You guys got to get the tactical position.
Another reporting for duty. What up, Pat? It'd be funny.
Pat, I was lit. We're splitting up the laser tag team.
Anytime someone dies, they respawn. Fan skinny.
Fan skinny. Fan skinny.
Nice. So what do I do to my mission? Oh, shit.
Oh, I'm good. Oh, I am I am on the skinny team holy shit I thought I was fucked it's literally just Gardini, Matt and O'Connor there's no one else we're outnumbered you and me are competing truthfully we gotta have a BMI it's gotta be a bmi cutoff this is crazy you guys are legion right now literally on the drive over i was like i'm close like i'm on the cutoff there's some units on the squad all line this is great You'll be a tough squad dude

have you thought about your name

yeah I was gonna do

I was gonna do TS Cool Shooter

that's awesome

TS Cool Shooter is awesome

we gotta see you gotta get past their filter

they don't like

Dr. Hitz

someone's gotta be General Fat

All right. We got to see.
You got to get past their filter. They don't like how you do it.
Dr. Hitz.
Dr. Hitz.
Someone's got to be General Fat. Oh, that's great.
Hey, Spider. The bear's Spider.
The bear's General Fat Spider. I was thinking of cool names last night.
I was like, what can I slide through? Yeah, last game I was busted. Dr.
Mr. Hitz, Dr.
Hitz. Dr.
Hitz is nice. Chairman Powell.
Chairman Powell is pretty good. Not bad.
Yeah, that would be good. Yeah.
You'd be Netanyahu. Netanyahu.
BB would be nice. BB Netanyahu.
Don't get him started. I might be BB, actually.
You know that I think about it. BB.
I could be BB.

BB Net.

Yeah.

BB Net. How many terms has he done

as president of Israel?

Fucking 90.

2,000?

Yeah.

Maybe those guys

did live to 2,000.

He was the potent of Israel

for sure.

Man, you can feel it.

It is a blazer tag.

The air.

Now that the boys

reported for duty, the air got thick.

I know.

Dude, fucking LaMere's going to fart in there, and we're all going to forfeit.

I mean, you guys are.

Once they bring us the rations, the movie theater pizza, this is going to be thick in there.

It's going to be like the fucking jungles of Nominay.

It's going to be a pure bog.

Humidity, 87%.

Guys are going to lose their minds, dude.

Yeah, they're going to be able to find us from our breath.

They're on the other side of the wall.

God damn. Yeah, it's not fair.
You guys are going to have radar. What do you mean? Yeah, true.
You know exactly the smell, the snores. Guys are going to be taking naps.
We're going to be running night shifts. Guys are going to have to watch The Wire at night.
Guys are going to be sleeping. In blazer town, no one can hear you.
Hold on. He's been losing a little.
There he is. Hold on.
James saw the cutoff. James might be.
James, you thin team, fat team. Which team? Oh, fat team.
Actually, it's a fat room. I don't know.
That shirt's looking straight down, bro. Is that the definition? You're losing weight, bro.
You's slouched. Yeah.
This is not all the truth.

But James has lost enough weight.

James been losing, man.

In this group, he's right there.

That is true.

I didn't know we were filming the laser tag today.

Did they give you lipo with that haircut?

Yeah, damn.

Will not be mocked.

It's not.

All right, I'll sit on the couch.

Look at how quickly James takes a mic. People don't realize how greedy James is.
Ah, we're on air. I'm getting morphed.
Thanks for coming, James. It's good to have you.
I'm focused. You might be thin-teamed here.
I think you're thin-teamed. Yeah, you've reached thin-teamed.
It would be the honor of my life if I'd made it to a thin-team. Who else is thin team? I'm going to have to start doing thin propaganda.
You're thin. No offense.
You are down right now, PG. You're down.
You're on a weight loss journey. Lost 915, gained 70 back.
How'd you gain the 70s back?

God damn.

How?

Yeah.

Oh, jack in the box.

You're just putting a lot of chips on the table both ways.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I stopped intermittent fasting and training, exercising altogether.

And jack in the box.

What's the time span on that where you gain 150?

It was so fast.

70.

My baddest, I was 413.

Yo.

And I got down to 240.

413. How long did it take you to get from 430 to 215? You're the general.
413. I like two years.
Like two years. Yeah.
Lameez, what's the highest you touched? I had to be like 420 plus. Damn.
You guys are some fucking A2, A2 Lancaster cows.

This is crazy. We were doing mics in Lancaster.

Meezy has a photo of him.

It's crazy, dude.

He doesn't have arms.

His forearms sticking out.

He's like a fat T-Rex.

That is nice. That is the dream.
Move to truly the middle of America and just get as big as you can. That'd be awesome.
I'm not kidding. That would be so nice.
And like your president wins. You're as fat as you can possibly get.
I knew I was right about everything. Oh man.
This is exciting stuff. Do we have anybody else here? There here so con man's out there this is somewhere um other than that i don't know we got a song i'm skinny although yeah i don't know where his loyalties lie yeah true yeah something about him i don't know if i trust him in there We don't have to send waves at each other so LeMare and Nate you guys go first figure out some minds I'm going to see if we can get a school bus in here oh man time.
Oh, man. Sorry, that's terrible.
I got a feeling I'm going to be really bad at this. You might be nice, man.
I'm not going to try. There's a couple of tactical perches.
If you grab it, it's tough to get you out of there. Yeah.
To focus on the rules beforehand, they're very important. Yeah.
Because they're secret things you can shoot, and they give you power-ups. Oh.
i'm not gonna i don't really fuck with that i know i heard that but it's like

i got too many ops out there to be fucking with the power-ups we're gonna have to divide these teams i know we can't do fat skinnies we're gonna have to do uh we'll just do the fattest

darkest confion to lightest. Ooh, I like that.
We'll do shirts and skins. Shirts and skins.
Shirts and skins. I'm out.
100% out. I'm going home.
I do have some level of shame. Oh, man.
Yeah, we'll have to go. We'll have to assemble the troops and just look at, you know, give everyone a good up-down.
See what's going on. Has anyone here got flat feet? You're out.
You can't do it. Chris is colorblind.
He's out. Oh, yeah, shit.
I'm gay. I'm out.
We're all gay. We're all gay.
Not allowed to talk about it. Where's Chris? He's out playing video games.
He's preparing probably fucking time crisis right now getting ready. That's cheating.
Yeah, fucking bullshit. They can't play until we get ready.
That'll be bullshit. Yeah, they only have like two video games here.
Yeah, Time Crisis and Guitar Hero.

Guitar Hero is kind of nice.

And they have the basketball, basketball hoop, football toss, ski ball.

But, yeah, they have a couple things.

Oh, man.

Sounds like a woman.

That's my wife.

My wife found out. Oh, great.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

All right.

Oh, all right.

Here we go.

Hey.

We're podcasting, man.

We're in a good place right now, dude.

Come on.

Dude, we're podcasting for real.

You motherfucker.

What?

It's like when the Raptors found out how to open the doors. It was just a funny joke.
Hang tight. Hang tight.
You can play a game. Wait till we cast.
You can blaze. All right, later.
Love you. Love you, babe.
Love you so much. She's just off a period right now.
It's going to be so sick tonight. This episode is brought to you by Call of Duty.
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This episode is brought to you by Max. The Emmy award-winning series Hacks returns this April.
The new season follows Debra Vance making a move from her Vegas residency to Hollywood showbiz. Tensions rise as Debra and Ava try to get their late night show off the ground and make history while doing it.
Starring Gene Smart and Hannah Einbinder. Hacks Season 4 is streaming Thursday, April 10th exclusively on Max.
And don't forget to check out the official Hacks podcast on Spotify. Dude, this cracked me up the other day.
We were at home and she was washing Maya and Chloe's hair. She was washing Chloe's hair.
Maybe Maya's. Chloe wanted to watch TV and she was like, I want to watch Gabby's Dollhouse and she clapped with every word and I was like, did you see that? Brittany and Brittany was like, yeah, she's black.
And Chloe looked at Brittany and went, I'm not black. You're black.
It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. Just for a two-year-old to be like, you're fucking black.
I'm not black.'s so mad she doesn't know what it means my sister's my sister's kids have struggled with this my sister's kids have been like why is she when's she gonna turn black to the white kid and they're like it's gonna be a while yeah sure how come she's not black yet that's so sick just waiting like i can't wait to my sister yeah my sister's gonna be black soon it's gonna be sick the rest of us turn black around two three that's when i first remember being black oh man god damn that's blazer tag pizza is calling my they're gonna be yeah people were tearing them up they're gonna be i'm gonna fucking rip it apart oh yeah i'm so hungry bro i've been i've been to a lot of kids here's the thing bro i've been to a lot of kids parties and i've been eating like just play place pizza and it's it does fucking slap it hit you're you eat a first slice and you're like all right yeah yeah this fucking rules oh man i haven't done this since i was 12 so laser tag yeah i'm psyched Dude, this is... It's been probably a decade for me.
Last time I was here, my dad's cum was all over his pants. True.
I literally thought about it. As soon as I put these pants on, I was like, ooh.
Oh, no. I was driving over.
I was driving over like, I've been wearing these for a while. Yeah.
That blacklight's not going to be kind to us. Dude, my t-shirt.
Team fat's going to be in camo. Team fat's going to be full camo.
Why does cum glow? Also, who's cumming in their jeans? I don't understand. Are we sure it's cum? No, it turned out my dad had prostate cancer.
Yeah, I was like, would you cum your pants? He was like, no. And like a month later, he was like, I have cancer.
I was like, sorry, I pants he was like no like a month later he was like i

have cancer i was like sorry i was making fun yeah that's the perfect excuse it was just wait

so whiz and come shows up in the it looked it looked like it was a whiz i mean the boy probably

wasn't washing the trousers very often oh yeah that was probably like three months worth of bro

if he was just coming like elk's lodge piss if he was just coming like that i want prostate cancer

Thank you. probably wasn't washing the trousers very often.
Oh, yeah. That was probably three months worth of Elks Lodge piss.
If he was just coming like that, I want prostate cancer. True.
I'm just glazing. Honestly, that's probably how you got it.
I mean, I should knock on the strongest rates. Crease your loads with cancer? That's great.
Load max of prostate cancer? God, I can't wait. I fucking can't wait, dude.
You want to get in there? Let let's tag let's tag and see what happens yeah for sure come back right back right back we'll be right back hello to the audio listener i just wanted to let you know that these sounds are from a video a gopro video of the Blazor Tag match. And I will try to edit together

and put out a full video

from the Blazor Tag GoPro footage

on the Patreon soon.

Oh!

Oh!

Help! Help! Hey, we're back, dude. It feels like a lifetime ago.
That was Didn't think I was going to be that sweaty

Dude I'm dying

Good fucking god dude

Dying we had fucking long penis cheating

Immediately everybody sprinting around

I mean dude you can't not run

It's fucking

It's absolute war

Long penis with the

Cheating

One of the all time cheats

Cheating

Long penis is Sean Gardini

He called himself

I was not cheating

You were not cheating?

No I was playing by the rules

Okay

Running

Running?

No I was

Let's go. One of the all-time cheats.
Cheating. Long penis to Sean Gardini.
He called himself. I was not cheating.
You were not cheating? No, I was playing by the rules. Okay.
Running? Running? No, I was moving swiftly. Running? Walking swiftly.
I will say I had a trick where people get too close to me. I'm like, dude, my fucking gun's not even working.
Sorry, I did it to you, Andy, like five times. Also, Andy really held down the Terminator 2.
His moniker, he really lived up to it.

He just... You can see him fucking walking around.

Just walking right at people. There's a move you go, dude, my fucking shit's off.
And as soon as they as soon as Andy walked past, I'm like, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,

Oh, total snake. Sorry, Andy.

I did it to like five different people.

I'm like, fucking shit's not even working.

I was. Yeah.

If someone got the drop on me, I'm like, what the fuck?

This shit sucks. Every alliance went out the window.
Yours was the only one that stayed true. Who betrayed you? Right away, I asked him to ally.
I never shot you once. Spider did not ally with me.
Spider? I didn't shoot you. Mother Spider.
Yeah, he spelled Spide. S-Y-P-E-D-A.
Sighter. Sighter.
Gave you that phone call on it. Sighter.
Sighter. So, Lamise, you betrayed.
I didn't betray. There was no real alliance.
I said okay, and then I just took my position. I tagged Big Unk a couple times.
I know Unk got brought in. I was like, Unk, sit here.
We both shot him immediately. I saw Unk down in the down in the mix i was like now i'm gonna grab a couple points off him that was uh man dude speaking of laser tag rules if laser tag god damn i want dude i want to formally challenge dr remar to laser tag really yeah he's in hot water right now why what'd he do dude is uh his? Dude, his alleged daughter, although I have reason to believe it could possibly be his daughter because he claimed to have paid child support her whole life, came out and was like, you're a fucking deadbeat.
Just give me my sister's number. You know Dr.
Mars? Yeah. He's like, doesn't like interracial dating and all that stuff.
Doesn't really like white people, I get the feeling. No, he seems to very openly dislike the haunt.
Dude, his daughter, for real, crushed him. Came out and was like, you're a fucking deadbeat.
You're a loser. Nobody should be listening to you.
And then he came back, rather than being like, I don't know who you are, which that would be devastating to your estranged daughter to do that. But he goes, he was saying something like, get your mom on the phone.
We can hash this out. And he was saying, like, I'm sick of.
First of all, he goes, you're either with me or against me on this.

No more frenemies.

He doesn't want any more frenemies.

I appreciate that.

Next time, yeah, if my daughter ever confronts me for me and Debbie,

I would be like, I have no time.

You're either with me or against me.

I know.

That's fucking hilarious.

And then he called her a struggle streamer,

trying to get clout off of his name.

Trying to get clout off of her daddy.

Calling your estranged daughter a struggle streamer. Phil's a fucking struggle streamer.
I have the opposite. Phil's always trying to get clout off of his name.
Trying to get clout off her daddy. Calling your estranged daughter a struggle streamer.

Phil's a fucking struggle streamer.

I have the opposite.

Phil's always trying to get clout.

Every time we do the podcast in my house,

he would walk down.

He's a struggle streamer.

He wanted clout.

Now he gives away tickets.

Every show I go to,

there's fucking eight guys from the Elks in the green room.

I know.

That was killing me.

It's fucking unbelievable.

That was fucking killing me.

Shane, how about a little meet and greet?

The guy's one of the top sales guys in Tampa. Could you meet him? No.
The list was crazy. Yeah, the list.
He handed my manager a list that is 40 people at every show. That was a wild night.
Tampa was awesome. Tampa and Jacksonville.
Tampa was wonderful. Yeah, it was awesome.
All those fucking studs were there. Yeah, true.
Aaron Judge's fucking big ass was there. He was fucking huge.
He's still a unit. I was less starstruck this time.
Yeah. That was the first time.
Yeah, the last time when I met him at that game. Didn't you see him at a baseball game? Yeah, full Yankees uniform.
Just hit a giant home run. Yeah.
In batting practice, came over. He was like, what are you doing back there, big man? I was like, I saw you.
You just drilled that ball. I've never spazzed like that.
Seeing him at the game would fuck you. Talking to Bubbles here, I was a little.
Bubbles was fucking me. Taking him back.
True. I mean.
Yeah, he was fucking. That guy was.
He's on the fucking videos outside the bar. Watch the videos.
I know. It's him fucking mixing drinks.
Bubbles is the man. He gave me some good pointers.
We might get Bubbles in this next game. I'm on his team.
I call Bubbles team. Did he talk about the zombie game? Yeah, that sounds fun.
Zombies sound sick. Everyone's green, one red zombie, and then you spread.
If you get hit by the zombie, you become a zombie as well. It's kind of sick.
I don't know how you would cheat in that game yeah how are you gonna cheat long penis i wasn't cheating you you were cheating no i wasn't cheating i watched you you got to bleep the gopro i was saying horrible face it was so funny right when everyone got in and was screaming as soon as the doors opened every dude every dude in there was screaming and running then everyone got tired go five minutes left you hear everyone go oh fuck that was the longest fucking game of my life what dude. What was your strategy, Gardini?

You were running guns. It was stick and move.

Running guns, stick and move.

Stick and move?

Stick and move fast.

Yeah.

You were running.

Fat was swift.

Swift while running.

I might have been running.

I saw you run.

That's fine.

You cheated.

Bubbles is on your ass for the next game.

Well, that's concerning.

Yeah, he's going to personally follow you.

I came here for a good time. And immediately guys take advantage of the rules.
Man, I finished seventh. That's not bad.
That's pretty good. That sucks.
First game, Spider. Fuck yeah.
I lost a big – oh, I lost a Nicky Blazer. Nicky Blazer.
Adam Eagot. I lost a nicky blazer by probably one shot it was close it was a close one and you were camping i was fully camping after fucking two minutes i was i just it was time to camp dude i don't know how they were running i was camped and then i would run and gun i I would just get hit 50 fucking times.
You were hitting the lay down, which was a nice move.

Lay down was pretty good.

That sounds like that's against the rules.

That sounds like against the rules.

He was lying.

He was laying down.

He was going, my fucking pack doesn't work.

That's what Chris keeps saying.

Chris keeps saying his gun was broken.

That's why.

He was RoboCop.

They changed his name to RoboCop. We'll do that.
Wait, his gun wasn't't working but he didn't come in very last place did he yes it was uh the one it happened to be the one female that was brought on the pregnant dead last by a wide margin i don't think i don't think she must not have been holding she was eight months pregnant which is i felt i felt terrible i was i was late that's why you want the running around. Someone's going to bump into her.
The worst thing you want is something terrible to happen in a fucking laser tag. I startled the shit out of her.
I was laying down behind a corner. She walked.
I went... I was like, sorry about that.
Sorry about that. Dude, if she does give birth in a laser tag, that's America's next emperor.
It's chosen by God. True.
If you give birth under the artificial fog and black lights of a laser tag. Just mean that that's your first image coming out into the world.
Surrounded by the team fats. Everyone's sweaty with packs on.
My thing is I'd be still racking up major points. I'd be sitting there hitting their fucking sensors while she's giving her...
Every single person would be sitting there going, all right, dude, fucking time out. Have some fucking respect, Doit, Doit, Doit.
You know, my pack's deactivated. You can't even shoot me right now.
Matt, I shot you at the buzzer. You betrayed.
I shot you at the buzzer. You, me and James, stare there.
They're going, three, two. Probably knocked me out of fun.
I thought James, I thought one of them hit me. No, that was me at the buzzer.
I shot you. I betrayed you.
Wow. I just want you to know, but this is me coming clean.
I appreciate you coming clean. Obviously, Blazer tag is a game of nothing but treachery.
I hear you. Obviously, there was one ultimate cheater.
Long penis. Just so happened to be the champion.
Bro. You cheated.
It was crazy. Bubbles even said so.
Bubbles was watching the footage. He was like, yo, I might kick him up.
Bubbles did bring it up, so we'll see. Yeah.
He might address it. We'll see.
James, interesting technique. Yeah, James is a big hiding behind the spot.
Stinking like shit. Yes body odor that's my great i did find something out so i think the reason there was a corner in the top and if you try and shoot across the whole arena it looks like you're shooting somebody but then you don't actually get to tag them and the guy i asked the guy that who's asked bubbles yeah and he said a lot of top professional players do notice that.
It felt pretty good. A lot of professionals.
He said there's two lasers. There's an invisible laser that does the hitting, and it doesn't work at distance.
So where you two were, if you're shooting people on the other side, you're not getting points for it. That's why you send a laser hit him.
Dude, I was wondering. I was wondering.
I knew there was a glitch because I was definitely killing people. Yeah.
I'm coming for you. Now you know.
We're splitting teams. Long business doesn't work the same way.
Close quarters. New rules, though.
If somebody is running, you are allowed to tackle. Yeah, for sure.
Trip or tackle. Trip or tackle, for sure.
If they're laying on their stomach, you can step on their backs. If you're running, T2.
T2 is going to walk over the way you are. And fucking smash you.
Andy, what was your rank? He was flying. I was like at the...
How many was there? 13? Yeah, I was probably at like 8 or 9. Okay.
But that was pretty good for a guy who was standing... You weren't even crouching remotely.
You were slowly walking. He was wearing red.
He was like a red coat. You could see him.
I had absolutely zero strategy. He literally marched like a red coat the whole time.
Yeah. The lights were bouncing off my skin perfectly.
You guys were camping the whole time. We did camp.
Yeah, we took a strong one. Because I kept doing laps, and I'm like, you guys are still here.
Cool. I was patrolling like an L shape.
I would come here, come there, come here. And then I'd wander off, run back.
Bro, please, Sean.

Don't be confident.

Sean, I'm going to for real follow you the whole time now.

Yeah.

I'm going to sacrifice my whole game.

I'll be last place, and I'm just going to take you down to, like, fourth place.

That's okay.

I'm going to do that.

Damn, God Dog's confident.

Dude, he's.

No, there's nothing wrong with fourth place.

If I shadowed him, dude.

Fourth place is nice.

Huh?

Fourth place, I'm happy with. Bro.
One first, one fourth. If I shadowed, it wouldn't be fourth.
One first place, one fourth place. nice huh fourth place i'm happy with bro one first if i shouted it wouldn't

be fourth one first place one fourth bubbles bubbles scrub that from the records doesn't count

bubbles did bring up he was like long penis he had his eye on you just so you know he was like guys

i he's a guy that was all over long he took us aside he was like guys for i'm glad you guys are

on fun and shit,

but that guy's like, if this wasn't a private event,

we'd be fine with that.

It's the battlefield.

He fucking knocked her over.

I saw you knock her over.

She didn't want to talk about it because you were like,

you fucking don't.

You had a laser point.

You tell anyone about this, I'll fucking kill you.

One actual kill bubbles is walking by just covered her mouth yeah you were I didn't ever see that side of you man it was like fucked up it's a weird side to see like you bring a friend you put him in any type of competitive situation, he instantly cheats. It's fucking crazy.
Who would have thought? The two biggest cheaters right there. James cheated at my birthday.
I was fucking pissed about it. You cheated at the birthday? Yeah, I cheat.
I did not cheat one time. You do have that dork scamper, though.
You run around. He's got a full dork run.
It's a beautiful movement. It pays off.
Happy with a strong second. There's daylight between the two of us.
And I didn't cheat. Second, third, whatever.
I guess we'll see. That's first.
You two are the captains for next game. Yeah.
You got to pick teams. It can't be random.
That would not be fair. If the guys who cheat versus the Fats.
Cheaters versus Fats. I'm not on fucking Terminator's team.
Terminator. That's actually a strong move.
Everyone behind Terminator. That's a new form of cheating that we just invented.
Yeah, for sure. Yeah.
We're all going to cheat and scream as soon as everybody, as soon as got in the room by the way shout out the blazer tag pizza yeah i told you hit the spot it fucking hits we did it how long are we going we gotta get back in 15 with 13 minutes oh shit 16 16 minutes for the first one so we're about a are you fucking kidding me all fucking kidding me? I got here. I know.
Next time, we need an eight-hour all-day pass. We need a tag for three hours.
Bubbles is not afraid to give you a speech. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.
We love BetterHelp. Love ButterHelp.
As nice as it would be The help with the butto The butto help. As nice as it would be.
You don't have all the answers. Prompt for a host rift.
I struggled with dot dot dot I personally I don't like to get into this but I struggled with deep sexual feelings for amphibians until I got help from.

Better help.

Better help.

Better help.

And we overcame that struggle because they were like,

it was like a stern father, like, oh, you want to smoke cigarettes?

Well, how about you do 100 of them?

Yeah, I said, hey, you want to have sex with frogs all the time?

But to help said, how about you do 100 of them, tough guy?

Box of 100 frogs and you don't come out of that room until you creep by every one of those fuckers mouths i said but butter hill it's it's it's important that you have a good support system you know people you can go to when the going gets tough like a therapist from butthill they're always nice to have in your corner because there are times when you can't go to your family or friends can't tell your family about those frogs you can't tell anyone about that you gotta go to butthill you gotta get on a zoom call and go i want to fuck frogs they go holy shit we gotta help trust the professional oh my god yes we already riffed we riffed our things that helped us therapy is great because i mean dude just after i stopped my whole thing with those amphibians my social skills were much more positive i overcame those problems and i learned how to reach out i learned how to reach out for help in a safe space so if you want to give therapy a try and you're not sure where to begin check out blood of help still can't really go near any bodies of water you know really yeah because due to the possibility of a frog would send me into a frenzy oh bro trust me when you're on the edge of a pond and you don't even see the frog, but you hear it jump into the water, I go, I just want to fucking jump in after and bring that thing out. Hopefully I kiss it and it turns into a prince.
Guys, check out BetterHelp. It's fully online, so easy to get started, and they have access to a wide range of credentialed therapists, over 30,000 with all sorts of different specialties.
That's good. Yeah, guys, guys.
Sorry, I had some motherfucking boogers. It's all right.
Check out Build Your Support System. Booger Help.
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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash MSSP. Yeah, and all jokes aside, BetterHelp's a great company.
Yeah, dude, they do fucking rock with us. Yeah, they do rock.
Thank you, ButterHelp. ButterHelp.
Ah, dude, yeah, next time, it's like we already saw the video. I do, this is a fun topic that I came across the other day.
There's a restless leg medication that's been causing women to do, like sexual stuff so like like there's just like someone that's taking some restless really watch them dude it's like they'll like there was ladies who were taking it like 50 40 60 year old ladies who were on this medication and then like they would fake go to work and just like show their tits to strangers and like troll they would start trolling for sex you got restless tits Yeah, restless tits. You got to get those things out.
Dude, it would be like one of your aunts would just take these meds and just like leave Sunday mass and start like trolling a city and trying to get blowjobs to strangers off the meds for like a couple of years. Shout out to Big Pharma for that one.
That's what I'm saying. Thank you, Big Pharma.
And then it came off of it and they were just just like, what the fuck did I do? Symptoms went away immediately. Imagine, dude, if like three of your aunts were just gobbling, dude, for like three years, hitting like the L in Philly, and just fucking like...
Oh, my God. Just a nice lady, just a normal lady.
Dude, kids are in college. You take the restless leg meds, and you just cheat on your fucking husband like 45 times in a year you just meet dudes in the home depot bathroom and just fucking blow them in the back oh no yeah i read the whole thing about it it's pretty crazy yeah i had rls thank fucking god i think actually maybe i did take that for a while i might have been been on the RLS group.
My entire 20s.

Some of my teams.

Got damn restless legs in here.

I'm throwing the whole room off.

Me and me get to talk about that every day.

You guys aren't together?

What the fuck?

Why are you guys touching elbows?

You're throwing me off.

You're throwing the whole room off.

Ah!

Ah, fuck.

Just finally getting out

of like a multi-munk bomb.

He's spilling water in your eye.

Splashing fucking water in my eye.

I know.

It's not the first time.

The other time,

I just straight up missed my mouth

and just poured it all down my shirt

in the little boy.

And I was like...

That was the RLS medicine.

That might have been the RLS medicine.

You took a facial.

I was thinking about my next victim.

Yeah.

My neck suck.

But yeah, so we got that going on. That's hilarious.
Yeah, I was pretty about my next victim. Yeah.
My neck suck. But yeah, so we got that going on.

That's hilarious.

Yeah, I was pretty pumped about that.

Keep an eye on your fucking aunties, y'all.

Keep an eye on your motherfucking aunties.

You just dump that medicine right down the drain.

For real.

They don't know about that.

I mean, dude, imagine you're just watching the VMAs with your aunties.

And they're seeing like JT's fucking teenest. You've seen that guy flip? Who's that guy who does flips off the piano? Oh, Blazer tag.
Nikki Blazer ripped his clothes off at the VMAs. I forget his name.
The guy who sings. I know what you're talking about.
It's like, yeah, it's like girl. It's pretty accurate.
It's like, yeah, it's like girl

It's like, yeah, like girl rock

It's fairly accurate

Passionate girl rock

It is girl rock, yeah

Benson Boom

That's kind of an unfair, like you can

Now you can just like take a formula and just create those songs

And like girls will like every, like literally every single one

These beautiful things that I've got

I like this song

I like this song

Listen to the words

Song fucking sucks

Let's do this. I like this song I like this song Listen to the words Song fucking sucks You listen to the words of Edmund Fitzgerald You think about the chef Think about the cook coming in Saying fellas it's been good to know you After the main hatchway gave in You dumb bitch Fine I'll listen but we're actually Going to sync up Dark Side of the Moon to The Wizard of Oz after this, and you've got to watch the whole fucking thing.
I'm trying to listen to audiobooks at night, and women don't exactly like it. No.
I was trying to listen to The Guns of August last night. Put it on? Not a big hit.
What the hell? What happened? Uh, just a sleepy woman going,

what is she talking about?

And I was like,

uh,

King George died. And it was kind of the last time all the Royals were together in London.

And you know,

they're all related and turn the fuck off.

Yeah.

The,

the mutual audio book is tough.

I listened to,

uh,

my girlfriend's friend stayed in our hotel room.

Nothing. Uh, little restless.
Like they're little restless lady. They were on the meds.
She is. They were on the meds.
But it was after SNL, and she was like, I'm going to take a nap before I go home. So she, because it was 6 a.m.
And I was like, all right, this is what I listen to when I sleep. And I put on rain noises.
Nice. And her friend honestly thought I was listening to applause.
She thought I was, and she didn't really mention it. He thought you needed a standing O to fall asleep? She genuinely thought I was going to sleep to applause.
And now I can't listen to the fucking rain thing anymore because it sounds exactly like applause. She was fucking right.
You needed a standing O to pass out. I needed a standing O out.
I need to stand a note. It's rain.
You hear the trickle. Obviously rain.
Maybe across the room in a hotel. Oh, there you go.
Is that fucking applause? With some distance, it sounds like applause. Because you can hear the trickles.
Yeah. That's maybe a babbling brook.
I'm going to have to switch it up get some thunder in there or something yeah true there's nothing wrong with listening to that at bedtime dude that could trigger an exorcism yeah that's i've done that i've done the audiobook at nighttime it's like what what is this what are you listening to fine it's about how world war one started i want to have a better understanding How are you still listening so we don't fucking fall into it again yeah are you still listening to that like yes it's fucking on i'm still listening to it oh i had a fucking bug crawl across me the middle of the night you know this is one of my deepest fears yeah what happened fucking woke me up the thing was huge was it in the hotel no it literally went up the side i was I was like, whoa. Are you serious? Yeah.
And it wasn't like a night. I don't think it was a night.
I felt it. It like woke me up.
I could feel it on me. Kind of bugged.
What kind of creepy crawler? I didn't get to see the crawler, which was made for a worse evening. It's that long.
Flashlight out. Oh, no.
Looking under the blankets. I was like, I didn't want to tell her.
I couldn't be like a giant spiders in our bed. No way.
Cause there has been a giant spider. That'd be a hot new cook genre where spider just fucking literally laser tags your wife.
Spider just runs. I just hold the camera.
Yes. But then you suck cream.
Oh, fuck. I need you to fart spider.
Oh, fuck. You love that fucking smell, babe.
I'm not having fun anymore. It's not even that fun.
Me and Adam and James had a nice date yesterday. Oh, what'd you do? We went and saw Friendship, the new It's the funniest It's going to be the funniest movie When's it come out? May May.
Well, I'm looking forward to May. I can't wait to see it again Yeah, I'm going to see that again.
That was Friendship and French Onion Boys No, no, no. Don't tell them that we all got French onion soup after we saw a movie and discussed the movie.
We had DeRosa in there. It was a good squad.
Everyone else was laughing and having a good time. I was so sad.
James took it to heart, yeah. I took it to heart.
And then I spoke to the director came up afterwards. I said, I was devastated.
And he was so happy. Really? I said, your comedy made me very upset.
And he was like, oh. Yeah, good.
He was really pleased. He liked that.
It's a very, it's like a very A24 drama set. Yeah.
But very, it's so funny. It's very funny.
It's unbelievably funny. I might be oversensitive.
I feel I have milder PTSD after doing the shooting. After being in that room with the light, there was so much killing.
There was like seven minutes there like so i might just be experiencing everything i'm a sensitive boy there's nothing wrong with being sensitive but to see that movie and be like that fucked me up is crazy the movie's it's hilarious it looked a trailer looks everything it's for you yeah i can't you're gonna fucking i saw the trailer and i was like this is this looks phenomenal yeah it's gotta be it's up there it's for you yeah i can't you're gonna fucking i can't i saw the trailer and i was like this is this looks phenomenal yeah it's gotta be it's up there it's yeah comedy movies are back true in a big way pendulum swung pendulum swung pendulum's fully swung maybe too far head down to the mothership you go yeah pendulums maybe it's swung a little too far Not everyone has to say it. True.
Every single set. Dude, the...

I... go yeah pendulums maybe it's swung a little too far not everyone has to say it true every single set dude the uh i i think we're in like the seven we're in like the new version of the 70s now we've left like that we had like a version of the 60s like the hippie dream which was just like state sponsored basically propaganda at this point which is like the super woke stuff it's completely falling apart now we're in the 70s.
Now we got evil hippies.

Exactly.

And then we're about to hit the 80s pretty soon,

which will be sweet.

Yes.

We're about to have a new 80s.

The 30s are going to be the 80s.

We're going to be dying during the 90s,

which is a good time to die.

90s are the best one.

Exactly.

It's a good time to die.

So when we're 50,

we're all going to be in the 90s.

It's going to be sick as hell.

60?

Yeah.

That's all right.

11's going to be really rough. It's going to be...
Maybe we'll do it, though. Maybe it'll be ours.
It's all right. 9-11 is going to be really rough.

It's going to be... Maybe we'll do it, though.

Maybe it'll be ours.

He's a downer.

I'm sorry.

Dude, do you think the Middle East will still be there in the new 90s, dude?

There's going to be casinos.

There's going to be the Riviera.

There's going to be Trump casinos.

It's going to be the other Riviera of the Mediterranean.

You'll probably have to do a VR. 9-11 will be a it'll be 9 11 will be like a ride at universal studios you'll be in the building if you have a lightning pass i'll be like hey we actually know about an attack we're gonna get you out it's coming yeah tower seven will be the haunted one drop out of nowhere tower of terror you just go oh we're dropping some tower seven of terror against all odds we're dropping oh my god yeah that'll be awesome but yeah yeah it definitely it's heart.
We are, the pendulum's fully swung.

Pendulum swung.

The dream broke, but the residue of it, just like the hippie dream,

will still kind of saturate the culture, but it'll just be like breakfast.

It'll blend into ice cream stuff.

Damn.

The hipsters were kind of fun at first.

Huh?

You remember like 2010?

Yeah.

They were kind of a nice group of people.

It was Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist.

It was. And then they...
And I was at the right age to be gay enough for it i fucking love that shit and then what did you love about it i just liked all the music freedom yeah the dawn of a new age the gay music lcd sound system still rules shit does fucking roll all that yeah that shit rules yeah i don't know what happened i'm telling you dude it was occupy wall street and then it just total psyop and they turned into still still wearing masks today which is it's unsettling when you see a guy just a dude by it's like it's like maybe you're visiting your grandma but like i don't know i've said it before if you're great if you're like a grandma or grandfather and you're worried about that it's like i think you've kind of failed it yeah why don't you shut up or just a pussy it's like if you're 80 and you're worried about covid you've you're a pussy even if you don't die of covid you're going to be a pussy definitely the people that should be worried about though for sure yeah but it's you imagine you don't want to die like that you don't want to die well i guess they all do die of pneumonia yeah eventually yeah you can't be scared of death by the time you're 80 i mean it's close's close. It's easier said than done, obviously.
Dude, when you're making your grandkids get experimental therapeutics so they can chill with you.

I don't think that many grandparents were doing that.

I think the grandparents were like, why can't they come inside?

True.

I want to hold my grandson.

He's outside of the window because of Dacia Fauci.

I did my part. up nate what up

big onk we're just all coming clean here yeah i mean i'm sorry i shouldn't i shouldn't rag on

80 year olds but i i just i pray by the time i'm 80 i'm not gonna be scared of some fucking

bullshit ass i dig like the moral high ground i'm just thinking of when i was a when i was 80

if i was ever 80 past life transgression no shot i i hope by the time i'm 80 i'm truly not afraid of death i hope i will be trying to get the 40s i'm staring 40 now going holy shit oh yeah you got to get on the fucking good foot it's time it's time it's time to get a blood panel that's gonna be a real bummer yeah trust me i got mine mine was not great it's gonna be a bummer although right now i'm i've said it before but i i always stray from this i don't care about aesthetics i'm going just performance i go i toggle back and forth it's like could i just be coming to donna's and then i just get fatter every day and i go nope nope nope nope nope, nope, nope, nope. So I'm going just pure performance now.

I don't care.

It doesn't care.

Weight, don't care.

I don't care about anything.

I'm caring about mile times, hang time.

I mean, I think I got like a 140 hang time,

whatever, so I don't have a deal.

It's fucking hard.

I believe you, yeah.

It's cool.

I thought we could talk about fitness shit.

Hang time.

Hang time is tough, dude. That does blow.
Hang time, it Hangtime's hard. I'm in a stiff competition with Billy right now.
Billy got one. You might get him on the hangtime.
Did you ever see his fucking hands? Yeah, but he's big. Yeah, but he's got fucking fat.
He does have paws. Yeah, he has for real, like dog paws.
He does. So right now, we're tied, but I got to overtake him for sure.
In hang time. It's weird.
They're saying, like, that's all that matters. Everyone's worried about COVID, but they're like, if your thighs are jacked and you can squeeze stuff really hard, you're not going to die.
I actually believe that. I'm telling you.
They're saying if you have, like, grip strength. Thank God I have jacked those.
Grip thighs. Exactly.
They're saying grip strength and, like, muscle density in your legs are a bigger indicator. Jack thighs win the grip strength every time at Rogan's other than Rogan.
Not a big deal. Yeah, man.
Fuck you looking at, Adam. You're ass lost.
What's the poundage on the grip strength? I think I got, it was like 145 last time. That's good.
And then no one could beat it, so I only went once. I was like I was like alright good.
That's good. First try.
I'm on your bumper right now. I believe it.
I'm on your bumper. You better not be on my bumper.
I'm on your bumper right now. If any Democrats out there say something mean about Donald Trump I'm on your bumper.
They better chill with making that kid famous because what do you think is what happens? Same that happens to everybody I might I might hire a nasty story about that sweet angel oh god oh no he's gonna shoot an unarmed white kid true that'd be fair I could see I could see them doing some nasty false flag like that against him I'd be on their bumper I'd be on the CIA's bumper if that already on the CIA's bumper. They're probably on your bumper after they found out that fucking hang time.
They're probably like, holy shit, it's Jason Bourne. He's a sleeper cell.
No, I'm definitely on the CIA's bumper. I just got a fucking laser tag on the brain.
I do too. Yeah, let's get a post tag.
One more tag. We'll be right back.

One more laser tag.

Yeah, good call.

We don't got to watch the video again.

There we go.

Yeah, man.

Here we go.

All right, I believe this is everybody.

All right, let's see.

So, I, uh, before we continue, I do have one thing to announce.

I have it on good authority that a long penis did in fact cheat. I fucking knew it! Long penis! I'm the fucking girl! There's so many good cameras.
Talk to the confessional. We got footage of the whole thing.
It was terrible. Alright.
So, what the fuck? Garthogues is going on. That's just a smell vibe in here right now.
That's the Blazer Room postgame locker room. We need showers here.
We got to get a pro team going. We could put in the work and get a pro team.
I mean, we got two of the best cheaters in america we weren't cheating what what's the what's like the um straight game plan yeah what do you do what's like the game plan the game plan is so the rules are you now stay low and keep firing instantly leaves the floor yeah somebody went to the towers big time wasn't me you weren't up there i defend how did i see you up I don't know. You must have been a mirage or something.
You must have been loopy from the battle. Oh, man, that sucks.
And I'm not against cheating. That's disgusting.
You're a liar. James was on the ground, I could say.
I saw James on the ground the whole time. If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying.
Yeah, well, you can move up. Yeah, the floor was lava then.
You had to move up. The floor was lava.
Yeah. The floor was lava.
The balconies were lava. Somebody is lava proof.
The mayor, dude, they went five minute warning. The mayor was on level three already.
I was like, I was. I was on level two.
Exactly. The mayor was cheating.
I was on level two. Cheating.
I started walking up the ramp. Thanks for being a man and admitting it.
I started walking up the ramp. Sad.
Like 30 seconds before. And then there was five minutes warning.
You were up the ramp. You shot me from the ramp.
I watched you do it. Yeah, I did.
Defensively, that was weird. I was just trying to be...
You went early? You went up early? I thought it was funny. Sean, that's not how the blue team does it, dude.
That's not blue stuff. I thought it'd be fun.
I thought about it. I was tempted, but I waited.
That guy was like... I got stuck in that corner.
I couldn't get up that. I knew.
I kept trying to go to that ramp. Corner was nice.
True. Corner was nice.
The guy was policing the ramp, too. I was like, I'm taking it.
And I would see that guy. I'm like, fuck.
Next time, I'm putting bubbles in there. Get him on the ramp.
Anyway, what else is going on? Not much, man. I'm a.
Fuck. What else is going on? Dude, how was SNL? There we go.
Let's talk about that. I got that.
There we go. After a week in laser tag.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laser tag is more important.
It was easier the second time. That's nice.
But the one thing that sucks is you know what's coming the second time. So the first time you go through and you're like, all right, Monday, that was easy.
Tuesday, that was easy. And then all of a sudden you do everything on Friday.

You film all those pre-recorded sketches you film.

So you're there.

We had to get there at like 6.

6 a.m.

So you got to pick up at 5.30 and then you get done at fucking 2 a.m.

And then you got to do the real thing.

And then you wake up the next day.

Why do they do it that way?

I don't know.

That sounds good.

Why not?

Yeah, do that first.

I have no idea. Rest up.
Yeah. Maybe just just get you jacked up and like juiced up i don't know yeah you know it was it was actually i mean it doesn't matter how late you stay up when you do the rehearsal live yeah it's the scariest if they ever showed that monologue i did oh yeah it's fucking, fuck.
It's the most nervous I've ever been.

And then the real show, I was uncomfortably not nervous.

That's a good idea.

I was like, oh, this isn't good.

Yeah, giving you the run through is a genuinely good idea.

Yeah, every sketch you're nervous, you're like, fuck, I can't read.

That's, dude, that, read me off the card.

I've talked to people before, like, yeah, you can read off a card.

I'm like, dude, I can hardly read books to my kids.

You gotta read the card like you're telling a joke.

That stuff.

You gotta, like, know, I don't know.

And then they change the lines in between rehearsal and the real show.

I'll tell you what i would do i would fuck just new lines i'd fuck the first card up immediately and i'd think about it the rest of the time and i'd fuck up every single card after that so that's my prediction for sure that's what i do so we did rehearsal and we did another jamaican church sketch and i think i fucked it up so bad they were like, it's not that good. What? Yeah.
That's what happened. You do a sketch and then they're like, all right, we're not going to use that.
And you're like, fuck, that was my fault because that was definitely funny. Nah, they shouldn't have went back to the well.
The Jamaican well. I liked the Jamaican well.
I love it. It's funny every single time.
Damn. Exactly right.
So they had Jamaican part two. They did have Jamaican part two, and I think I fucked it up.
You know. Nah, you never know.
They're not going to tell you. You never know.
You should get on like an M.R vibe, dude. What's that? M.R is a white English guy who just does dance hall, and he does it really well.
Oh. You ever seen that guy? Jamaican dance hall guys? No.
Pussy turn red? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pussy red? Yeah.
i didn't know that was his name turn a pussy red yeah yeah dude you should something to consider just do like a year just take a year off of everything and just huge take one year off and rebuild and it's like let me tell you about this man yeah the monologue though is the scariest and it was like there's tate mccray fans in the front oh god it's like oh man they're not gonna fucking like me talking about kem burns yeah it's just like young how did what did they were they just they did like it that's cool the monologue went well but that's cool the rehearsal who were the who were the fan it was just was it just like attractive ladies sitting up front or was it yeah yeah you're up there like they're the fucking worst if you had to pick a demographic that you didn't want like two rows of in the front is just hot ladies hot young women they're no and it and the way that's set up you saw it was like two sections and then everyone else is just in the back of the room. Yeah.
It's not conducive for stand-up. No.
Unless you have like a point. They like that.
Yeah. If a comedian goes out there and makes a fucking good point.
True. Everyone's like, that's incredible.
You can get the hot young babes with good points. For sure.
Even if they don't fully understand it, they'll be like, wow, awesome. I never thought of it like that.
Yeah, hot young babes are the last thing you want. You think you want them.
Give me a room full of hot young babes. I'll fucking spin their heads around.
I'll make them very unhappy. They also don't have the best attention spans either.
No. The worst show I ever did was the small room at the stand upstairs.
It was five different tables of hot young women. The whole room was empty.
Then they brought food in. I had like 10 waiters at once.
Just fed everyone at once while I was standing up there. Immediately, it was on to the food.
Every waiter was probably like, I'll get that for you right away. Yeah, I'll pick that one up.
I'll get that for you right away. Yeah, I was just up there like, all right, we're done listening.
Everyone's eating. Yeah.
Perfect. And they're like, no, you're doing good.
And you go, ugh. I mean, it's got it's got to be just crazy being in like a hot lady's body i couldn't think of anything else if i was just a hot lady yeah i was just a hot lady in a hot lady's body i'd be like god i'm so fucking hot right now it's time for me to be rude i'm literally i just i just be so turned on by myself i'm like dude i'm just so i'm just way too horny to listen i was waiting for it why isn't this guy a billionaire and why isn't he just fucking picking me up on my head and taking me to his house that's what i would think about if i was a hot lady in the city of new york the one the one thing that was funny with snl was uh the first time tate mccray by the way extremely nice lady yes like nice canadian lady came in she was very like hey she was so the the host screen room here the musical artist is right across the hall yeah and i was like sitting on the couch trying to fucking read freaking out yeah and then she walked in i was like for real i don't know why i did this i was just like trying to say she kept walking and i was like oh that hurts but then she came right back in i was like hey did you read I was like, oh, that hurts.
But then she came right back in. I was like, hey, how are you? Did you read? I was like.
But then the first thing we did was a sketch where I was in a fucking like motorized scooter dressed like an animal and she had to sit on my lap. And right before they're like, Tate, are you OK with this? Is everything OK? Are you all right with sitting on his lap? She was like, yeah, I don't care.
And I was like, no one asked me. And they're like, me and they're like shane are you i was like yes which seemed really funny at the time until it's literally just me her and the director and i was like i hope you understand i was kidding she didn't laugh i think she laughed but i was immediately embarrassed that i did that she's like 21 i'm sitting there like yes i'm good with it i mean to be fair it was very funny yeah funny scene you possibly do But yeah, aftermath of that would have been like nah I'm just fucking around I'm not that funny for you we just got done filming the first sketch and we I had to rush to that one and they were like hurry up she's gotta leave and uh so I was like sweaty it was it was a nightmare and then it was she's like her character was supposed to flirt with me.
And so she was like, we have such a nice thing.

And she like rubbed my chest.

And in my head, I was like, damn, my chest is definitely soaked.

And she was sitting on me.

I must have been 400 degrees.

I must have been laying on just a hot pillow that was like, I'm really sorry about this.

I'm sorry.

I was just kidding when I said I was super. I was just joking about that.

She's like, what? I was like, it's a joke. I I was just joking about that she's like what

I was like

it's a joke I told

I don't even know

if you heard it

what

yeah

covered in

fucking bullshit

what Trump's doing

about Canada

I don't even understand

fucking bullshit

fucking terrorism

fucking bullshit man

I was

definitely

definitely felt sweat

on my chest

damn

yeah

you're in the presence

of a diva

she's a diva

that's so sick though

I keep hearing about

new divas

Let's go. us damn yeah you're in the presence of a diva she's a diva dude that's so sick though i keep hearing about new divas there's new divas i am completely yeah we're too old i'm out of the diva loop i'll be back in the diva loop be careful back in like six years seven years be careful when you get back in the diva loop why takes over your algorithm well i'm saying i followed tate mccray on instagram you're in the now.
My diva loop's fucking insane. What are the other divas right now? Sabrina Carpenter's a diva.
Okay. Dochi.
Bit of a diva. Dochi's? Chaperone is diva number one currently for sure.
What? Chaperone is dominating. Oh, we were talking about...
Oh, wait, wrestling divas? No, no, no. Chapel Rhone does rule, though.

They have to be cute?

They have to be the hot ones? I mean, now you're making us the bad guys, but yeah.

Is Chapel Rhone not?

You don't like it?

Why does this do that to us?

I've never seen Chapel Rhone.

I've never seen Chapel Rhone.

I think Chapel Rhone is very sexually appealing.

She is.

Yeah.

That is also right up your alley.

Chapel Rhone dresses like a drag queen.

Yes, it's very... You got to think for that.
But yeah, I just learned that this Trapper room dressing like a drag queen. Yes, it's very all...

You got to think for that.

I just learned that this weekend, girls will dress as drag queens.

Which is dressing as...

It's got a dong face.

It's got a dong face.

That's bullshit.

Yeah.

I'd love to tell you, I wasn't just watching RuPaul's Drag Race yesterday.

Were you really?

It was on at my house, and Whitney Cummings was on it really? she was one of the yeah they did a roast it was great roast the drags that's scary it's one of my favorite things to ruin RuPaul's Drag Race while my girlfriend's trying to watch it yeah what the fuck are these uncles talking about? she's like what? I was like those are all uncles those are all somebody's fucking uncle yeah rupaul's got some conservative ideas she's anti-trans i think trans people are not allowed on the show i think he yeah yeah he refuses to put the dress on unless someone pays him money that's the thing he'll he'll go on late night talk shows and they'll go, where's the woman outfit? And he goes, pay me. If you want me to wear a dress, you've got to pay me.
I thought that was cool. Yeah, RuPaul kind of rules for that.
Damn, that's pretty cool. Just like every other black comedian.
I was, dude, I did it again. Yo, I did it again this time.
I was like, they were like, do you have anything you don't want to do i was like i'm just not gonna wear a dress i can't do it yeah from cat you can't otherwise i would i'd be like yeah whatever it's funny i'm not doing anything wrong you can't now now it's there's too much i put that dress on it's over dude no did You can't do it. No, I'm not.
It's tough, though. It's tough to speak up at NBC.
It's weird to be in an office, and they're like, do you have anything? It's like, I'm just not going to wear a dress. They're like, okay.
Okay, dude. I was like, I mean, you know.
Because of Cat Williams. You don't need him on your bumper, for sure.
Fuck no. I wouldn't want him on my bumper yeah dude just especially yeah and also it really is like what would the what would a good enough scenario or joke be for you to be in the dress would have to be a dynamite fucking sketch yeah it's doubtfire doubtfire there was although robin williams couldn't handle it i don't know if i'm allowed to it.
I don't know if I'm allowed to spoil sketches.

I don't know if I'm allowed to spoil it,

but there was a very funny Mrs. Doubtfire sketch.

Maybe they'll use it again because it was good

because we didn't use it.

Really?

Really funny.

Why, they didn't use it because of your policy?

No, no, no.

The character would not have been wearing a dress,

but he would have been.

It was a guy getting confronted that he was Mrs. Doubtfire.
Hilarious. That is funny.
I hope I didn't spoil it. They'll still rip it.
They'll rip it. They'll rip it.
And you can go, that was my fucking idea. I said on my fucking podcast.
I said that on my podcast. Dibs.
I want to start trying to start. I'm going to start fake comedy beefs.
That was my joke.

Anyone puts out a clip like, bro, I've been doing that, dude.

People do that.

I actually tweeted that six years ago.

Yeah, of course.

Every single joke is on Twitter.

You can find it.

Yo, I fucking did that.

Oh, that thing with three likes from 2013.

Yeah, I saw that and I stole it.

And I made it a full joke.

What is it, John?

You're in one what?

One of those beefs.

Why?

What happened?

Yeah, so I did a joke during COVID.

It was the first time I'd done it.

It's like a fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on you.

And it just goes on.

And people came and they said, this is a David Cross bit, which I didn't know.

He has the same premise and then it goes in another direction.

And I felt bad about that. But what made me feel a lot better is there's a guy who i'd never heard of who's from la who's been doing comedy for 30 years and he's like in 1994 that was my joke and he's uploading out and he goes this australian and david cross is stealing my act it made me feel so much more relaxed about doing the same bit yeah it's crazy there's got to be a statue of Mac's material is up for grabs.
As far as I'm saying. I got dibs on you and I understand.
It's up for grabs. I got milk and cookies.
You got milk and cookies. True.
I got these badass kids. These badass fucking kids.
I clearly don't even have kids. These badass fucking kids.
I know, Shane. Your family fucked up too.
But yeah, that's awesome. That's nice.
It's got to be so nice to be done with that again. Yeah, it's the most stressful fucking thing possible.
Then, yeah. Especially a diva.
Throwing a diva on the mix is like, that might fuck me up a little bit. I wish he was 21 and he got to sit on my lap.
That would have been... Both you guys are wearing dresses sitting on each other's butt.
you should push for the next time you do it push for like in all every sketch has to be get like just gay stuff yeah i have to kiss a cast member every single yeah like your bet who was uh was that not ben affleck matt damon he just went hog wild on that one movie liberace matt damon crystal the behind the candelabra he had a candelabra yeah he just went fucking hog wild dude's been acting for like 25 years and he was like i'll do full gay like total total gay it's got to be there after you've done it all came out in a year that people weren't that critical what do you mean it was early it was before the culture wars. So it was right there.
Yeah. I mean, it was just on the table.

It was a bag, obviously.

Denzel went for it in Gladiator.

He got a gay bag?

How gay was he in Gladiator?

I think they had to cut it.

I think they cut out a scene where he was like making out of guys and Denzel, chill.

No.

I swear to God.

I swear to God.

Yeah.

He was going.

Why?

He was just playing a gay Roman. Well,'s two like crowning achievements for every actor it's gay and gilbert grape that's the height of that just thousand year craft it's like okay we can see you play a cop, but can you play Gilbert Grape?

You play a gay guy or Gilbert Grape.

Gay Gilbert Grape is the ultimate.

That would be nice. Why haven't we

had that yet?

Probably have.

Really?

There's got to be one.

Nobody's played a gay special needs guy yet?

I don't think so, man. Maybe Yonk Lee.

Forrest Gump had

straight A's.

Yeah, but he was

busted.

Jenny busted open

for him as well.

Jenny busted.

He didn't do anything.

Him and Bubba

might have fucked

around a little bit.

Bubba.

That's true, Bubba.

Gets lonely

on the high seas.

It does.

Although Gump, yeah.

Bubba never made it to the high seas. He also might have sucked Lieutenant Dan.
Yeah, he probably sucked Dan. Well, I'll be.
Man, I'm tired from all that laser tag. Bro, that shit.
We didn't even talk about the final match. We got two minutes.
We could get one more Blaze. We could.
We need one more Blaze, honestly. That last match was bullshit.
You need one more after that. I was fucking furious.
You need one more, Matt, because this is devastating. I need revenge, bro.
I need revenge. At the end, they give you who you killed the most.
You killed me. I was getting...
I was getting... I only killed Matt.
15 times. Hold on.
I killed Matt 15. I keep forgetting you're in that corner.
I would come back right away. The rest was 3-4-4-0-4-1.
15 on Matt. Yeah, you got me.
I got you 10. I got you 10.
i kept thinking our alliance was still on i just the last second would hesitate at the beginning i was i was not i didn't know what color my team was really yeah i was shooting red i saw you i heard you getting kind of confused yeah so i was surrounded by blues i'm green team the blues were swarming man it leads me to believe where the rest of the reds were yeah we kind of had a What was your strat? By the end, we did. We set up on that first platform.
That was nice. Go Dog was sneaking behind.
Cheap shit. We had like a line.
Hanging over the balcony. Cheap shit.
No. I was having fun.
You can't, but your gun has that big fucking sensor on it, so you can't hang the gun over it. You're trying james never discloses uh what was your what was your strategy i don't drag me down to your 50 level you did not cheat i did not it was no cheating there's no honor in that so what's your strat like what's your strategy this is what i figured out i didn't realize that this was happening but i've got a very high kill rate as well as a very high death rate so you get 25 points for killing somebody but you but you only lose five when you are killed yourself.
So if you get out there and you can take it, even sometimes you'll shoot each other at the same time when you're coming back from a chart. You get 25, yeah.
You still get the extra points. So I think you've got to live reckless out there.
You've got to go, why? You've got to get into full blood. Don't be scared to get shot.
Don't be scared. It's the opposite of real war.
Yeah. Let's change that.

I want it inverted.

That would be nice.

That would be a better game play.

Yeah.

Well,

there you have it.

I've been all fucking tactical and shit.

I love killing.

Oh boy.

When you're out there about five minutes in,

it's nice.

People start screaming.

All right. I was screaming.
If I hit somebody, I'd be like, fuck you. That's why it felt so good when they were like, red team won.
It was that close, bro. We won by 400 points.
Held on the whole time. The bubbles, ass bubbles, dude.
We won by 400 points. Dude, that's nothing, bro, in the game.
That was all your charge-ups and power-ups. That's true, bro.
Can we please talk about it? We can look at the scores. All right.
Check it out. The premier woman did get dead last, but I was not that far above her.
And me and Terminator 2 were anchors holding the squad down. Yeah, bro.

Yeah, I don't know.

I do know that when I was playing against her,

I hit her like 40 fucking times.

I didn't shoot her once.

She shot me once.

Really?

Yeah.

What else?

What else everybody get?

Be honest.

She said there was somebody who was just on her bumper shooting her the whole time.

Terminator 2.

Terminator 2.

Terminator 9.

Terminator 2. Sarah O'Connor.
Yeah, you're killing it. Dude, Arnold Schwarzenegger's son in White Lotus.
Unbelievable. Yeah, he's really funny.
Out of nowhere, I don't know why, if this was unscripted, but they're on a yacht and they're about to approach these girls and out of nowhere go, swastika. And they just, as they're walking i was in bed holding my stomach laughing really i don't remember that part right around the yacht listen he goes back and they're about to watch it go over to the girls and go swastika and just it was like what the fuck so funny saying yo ad lib yeah i'm interested to see where that goes it's gonna be fun so good the girls turning on each other wonderful yep finding out one of them's a republican the other two being like oh it's so awesome yeah dude we think we did it we didn't we've done it we got time for one more blaze we'll do the ads in the parking lot no problem what are the ads yeah uh, mattmccuster.com.

Please come to the shows.

It'll be in Omaha.

That's a big one.

Please come.

Manchester, England next week.