Ep 549 - White Elmo (feat. Big Jay Oakerson)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 2 The water does smell a certain way.

Speaker 1 What is a certain smell? Yeah, I think we haven't tried one yet, but I have

Speaker 1 one yet, but I have three. I can't use Rogan's.
I can't use wipes in my heat place. Rogan's studio has them.
They have the heated toilet seats and shit. Yeah, the ones I got have that.
So nice.

Speaker 1 But I've never used it, and I'm still nervous because the place I got, I can't use wipes. You can't put them in the septic tank.
Yeah. So, like, I got bidets, but

Speaker 1 still nervous.

Speaker 1 Everyone says it's great, huh? It's the best, you never used one ever. I haven't moved in yet.
Oh, never used one ever. No,

Speaker 1 also, the places they tell me they had a gas digital at them. I know that's the first place I ever used.
When people say that, that's always the funniest thing to me.

Speaker 1 They go, dude, they have it at gas digital. You haven't used it at gas digital? Like, no, I've never shit right next to the studio.

Speaker 1 I've never shit in there like 10 times.

Speaker 1 Well, it was always

Speaker 1 because you do real-ass podcasts. It's at 11 a.m.
Sure. For me, that's early.
I got to wake up at like 9.

Speaker 1 And I'm always always late. So you got to to get that morning dump when you get to the studio.
And then bidet. And then you go, I've never tried this.
What's this button? Close you at the mothership.

Speaker 2 God.

Speaker 1 Was it awesome?

Speaker 1 You can't believe the accuracy. So why don't I thought it's going to hit me?

Speaker 2 It does start every time, no matter what. I go, oh, when it first gets there, I jump a little and go, ooh.

Speaker 1 It's a nice trip. Bobby Kelly described it.
He goes, you're waiting for which I understand what he's saying. You're lining it up with the remote control until you hear the go from like

Speaker 1 when your asshole starts accepting it. yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, it's pretty nice. Listen, I'm excited to try it.
I just,

Speaker 1 I don't, I still don't fully get it.

Speaker 2 It's just water.

Speaker 1 I see the concept, but how could it be strong enough that you're really getting that clean? Oh, it's hitting, bro. It's strong, bro.
Dude, if you move, it would go like seven feet in the air. Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would say about

Speaker 2 official gauge about a Super Soaker 50.

Speaker 1 Yeah. 25, 25.
5, 25, 25, 25. My bad.

Speaker 1 I'd say 25. 50.
Come Come on, man. Trying to touch a lawsuit? Yeah, 25.
50 is crazy. So yeah, the yellow one top of the yellow and green one.
Yeah, true. The basic one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Toys R Us basic. But no, it hits you, man.
I would advise you to start cold. Warm's kind of indulgent.

Speaker 1 Warm's borderline sexual. Warm's sexual.

Speaker 2 Warm water hitting you is like, you might as well fap.

Speaker 1 It's kind of sexual.

Speaker 2 So start cold.

Speaker 1 Matt, you couldn't be closer to the truth.

Speaker 1 It's real sexual.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I would choose cold water to go up there if there's a hot a warm water option you're gonna want warm bro you're gonna end up everyone ends up warm everyone goes warm i don't know why that's making me cry it's very funny i think on the yeah i'm still a wipes guy on the road i just can't believe that most of the time just paper for you just raw dog yeah i did that for a very long time until people enough people were just like what are you doing yeah i gotta get the wipes in there and get peanut butter around your ass they tell you it's it'll fuck your shit up but only if you have well here's a couple things going on

Speaker 1 there was no signs here when you moved in. No.
That said, don't put wipes in the toilet. Fire away, dude.
Also, I run through those things and then just don't go back to the store. Wow.

Speaker 1 So I'll get, I get like once a month. And then Le Maire had a pack in the back.
He was plowing through wipes. Is your life not a good

Speaker 1 house organizer in a sense? Like one thing. No, not one bit.
One thing about Christine, I got to give her always is you just go, running low on wipes.

Speaker 1 And then like an Amazon thing of 20 packs of wipes show up. Awesome.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we have the, that can work against me, though, because I'll be like, yeah, we need to get garlic powder. Did you add it to the grocery list? And I'm like, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 You do the fucking grocery list. I mean, it is a great system.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Jay, don't come in here with girlfriend bragging like that.

Speaker 1 Do not make me make fun of my girlfriend. It was more assistant brag.
It was more of the assistant skills.

Speaker 1 That was a girlfriend brag, and now I had to put my girlfriend down with her lack of skills.

Speaker 2 It's skills.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you get, my babe didn't have those house skills. It took a while.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You had to learn how to use different parts of the iPhone, notes, the notes app.

Speaker 2 A lot to that thing, man.

Speaker 1 I take notes.

Speaker 2 Take notes? Sometimes.

Speaker 1 Do you? If Gardini says something funny when he's drunk, I write it down. And then send it to him the next morning and go, remember when you said this? Whoa.

Speaker 1 Someday everyone will know I'm right. It's 2.30 in the morning on a Thursday.

Speaker 1 That's a Gardini guarantee. That is a Gardini guarantee.
You know, it's a fun thing.

Speaker 1 I've written several things. I don't do it in years, which is why it's still sort of fun because they're still from so long ago.

Speaker 1 But my phone notes, when I had intentions, of like, oh, yeah, like, this is a funny concept. I got it.
And whatever the keywords you write, those, you see a thing, it's like, yeah, it's a gay pizza.

Speaker 1 Yeah. The fuck does that even mean? Like, it would be before the show.
I thought those keywords would drive me to like when I got back home, like, all right, now what was my thing with gay pizza?

Speaker 1 Yeah, before the show, you're like, fuck, I don't have any material. Let's go back into the archives.

Speaker 1 Ah, gay pizza. Gay pizza.
Yeah, shit.

Speaker 1 It's embarrassing. It sounds as bad as when somebody walks up to you and does like the, you know, if somebody else goes, gay pizza, can you do something with that?

Speaker 1 I got a premise for you.

Speaker 1 Gay pizza.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I always think I'm like, I'm going to go back there one day and there's going to be something I wrote a long time ago and I'm going to go, oh my God, this is genius. And I just look at it.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I'm a fucking dumbass.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm a dumbass. I'm one of the dumbest.

Speaker 2 Most of it repeats seven times. I'm like, yeah, I've written this down five times.

Speaker 1 I still don't know what it is.

Speaker 1 Rape, comma, sometimes fun question mark.

Speaker 1 Oh, 3.30 in the morning on a Wednesday. Yeah.
Good work. Good work.

Speaker 1 2019, Shane. Good job.

Speaker 1 But yeah,

Speaker 1 they're never fucking.

Speaker 1 It's never something where I feel like I got to go back and go, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Let me expound upon that. Never once.

Speaker 2 Nope.

Speaker 1 Nope, nope, nope, never. Although I have lost some great ones, man.

Speaker 2 Right before bed, I go, I'll definitely remember that.

Speaker 1 And I wake up and go, oh,

Speaker 1 that was so good. Nothing.
It would have changed everything.

Speaker 1 Yeah, long drive in a car. Say it over and over to myself three or four times.
And then, like, you get next day exactly. You're like, that was something about something.
Yeah. Long drive in a car.

Speaker 1 I go, this is going to be good. I'm going to get some material out of this.
Just rap.

Speaker 1 For three straight hours. I didn't have one thought the entire drive.
But you got the premise. It was just rap great.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, I started smoking weed again in hopes of like it'll jar up some new ideas. It's the same thing.
I just got like confused in the grocery store and I was just like, this is not.

Speaker 1 We both had a nice groceries. We did.
We both had a Whole Foods day.

Speaker 2 Same time.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, I was getting the let out personally. I got very high and listening to Led Zeppelin in the grocery store.
And it was, I mean, Led Zeppelin was way better than I remembered it.

Speaker 2 I was like, I think I'm over this. I'm almost 40 now.
That was like stuff when I was a kid. Dude, I was listening to Led Zeppelin too.
I was like, this might be the greatest album of all time.

Speaker 1 You put me back on. You were like, I let the let out.
I said, I got to let the let's say. It's been a while.
You got to let it out.

Speaker 1 Dude, it was crazy. It rocks.

Speaker 2 I, for real, I am not lying. I was walking towards the cheese aisle of the grocery store, and at one point, like, they hit the drums.

Speaker 1 I almost went and like kicked.

Speaker 1 I was playing, dude.

Speaker 2 I was up on stage. I almost fucking kicked and signaled the drummer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my whole foods experience was much like my experience at the mall. I literally, I was like, I'm going to go to the grocery store.
I got there. I was like, I don't even know what I want.

Speaker 1 I don't even want it. I got chicken and bacon and eggs and left.
That is why. I spent $30.

Speaker 1 Do you scan every aisle?

Speaker 2 You start produce.

Speaker 1 I dude. I walked around.
You're at a weed all the time. It's a big thing.

Speaker 1 If you could smoke weed and go to the store, you start thinking ahead more. Yeah, you're planning ahead.
Yeah, true. You're like, I'm definitely going to want fluff at some point.

Speaker 1 I'm going to want a fluff.

Speaker 1 I never bought it ever, but like, should have it.

Speaker 2 I did it just every aisle four times. I just walked.
I do like the outskirts usually. Then I just started hitting every aisle while I was jamming.

Speaker 2 And then it would be like, oh, yeah, I'm going to need an onion. I'd go all the way back to the other side, get an onion.

Speaker 1 You're going to need that onion.

Speaker 2 Taco notions.

Speaker 1 The things I end up hoarding because I don't realize we have them, you buy them too much, are great. Like, probably have like four different kinds of pickles in my refrigerator.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No meat, but four different jars of pickles that have been like opened at different times.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, listen, you need stackers and you need spears, but after that, you start just getting gluttonous.

Speaker 1 Fuck, I forgot the spears. I forgot the spears, the dick I got.
I'm going to head back to the store. Hey, bitch, are these bread and butter chips because i said pickles i dude

Speaker 2 i will say i think i i don't think it's any good but i i just smoked weed all weekend being like i gotta come up with something funny and then i went i actually went to a gala last weekend it was britney planned it months and months ago and i i got very high and went to that and it was uh

Speaker 2 the only thing i keep we're people are talking about school like yeah i started school in september but i was like held back because i wanted to be the older person in the class and i got your adults saying this yeah we're just talking about like getting like if you got held back and and I was like, I just like muttered to Brittany.

Speaker 2 I was like, I got held back in the fourth grade because my dick was too big.

Speaker 1 I laughed for 30 minutes,

Speaker 1 write it down: dick too big for fourth grade.

Speaker 1 Yokes,

Speaker 1 that'll come in handy in eight months.

Speaker 1 She's like, Why would you get held back if your dick's too big? What's a gala? I was like, dude, you're brooding it, dude.

Speaker 2 It's just funny.

Speaker 1 She's like, I got held back too.

Speaker 2 Why? Because my dick too big.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's a gala?

Speaker 2 It's just a thing where you get dressed up and then they just make people, they like ask people for money, basically.

Speaker 2 So it was like there, it was a it was like a domestic violence thing, and then they had cowboys come out and be like,

Speaker 1 Anti. You remember those two?

Speaker 2 Anti, yes. It was not.

Speaker 1 They almost got us. Really? We were at the Longhorn, the Texas Longhorns thing, and they did the auctioneers.

Speaker 1 I was like,

Speaker 1 you can bid first on one of these. You can.
And he was like, 50 grand. And then no one was bidding for like a minute.
And I was sitting next to him like, oh,

Speaker 1 shit.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was like, I'll pay for a few. You can bid.
You got to start low. $50,000.
No.

Speaker 1 And people were.

Speaker 2 It starts at like two. And that's the move to raise your hand for the very first knowing it's going on.

Speaker 1 $500, $1. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, they got.

Speaker 1 It was like a vacation with... A coach.

Speaker 1 Sarkeesian to a cabin. Yeah, it was like a boy's vacation in the cabin with an adult man you don't know, Coach Sark.

Speaker 2 Well, there'll be like a 32-person trip to Orlando.

Speaker 1 Just LeMaire. Just like, what the fuck? Just LeMaire.

Speaker 2 Dude, what they did on it, it was actually kind of, it's kind of sick. So they had this trip.
They had the bid up to 15,000 bucks, and they had four people.

Speaker 2 And they went, you, you, you, you all get it right away. And they all had to get one for 15 grand.
I was like, oh.

Speaker 1 That hurts. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was exciting. The cowboy bidders were excited.
It was nice. That was fun.
Yeah. But try not to laugh for a half an hour.

Speaker 1 At the gala.

Speaker 2 Oh, I told Brittany, I said, bro, not a mustache.

Speaker 1 How much was she trying to raise that hand?

Speaker 2 I told her before we went in, and three times I saw her elbow move, and I said, I will fucking storm out.

Speaker 1 I want that.

Speaker 2 I will. It's just like...

Speaker 1 We could have that.

Speaker 2 It's kind of a girl trap because it's like they pop confetti on you. And it's like, you know, the pricing makes no sense.
It's perfect for them. Yeah.
Like $30,000? Yes.

Speaker 1 It's like, you know, I was.

Speaker 1 What are the objects?

Speaker 2 The objects, they were like pretty intense vacations, and they will be like, this sleeps, like 18 people. So I guess you could try to get people in on it, but it's just it was vacations.

Speaker 1 What else was it?

Speaker 2 It was like trips. There was a quail hunting trip or a dove hunting trip in South Africa.
You could go shoot birds in South Africa.

Speaker 1 God bless the person who like

Speaker 1 goes like, like figures out a vacation

Speaker 1 like package in a moment of someone going like, all right, Turks and Caicos got a nice little cabana on the beach. $50,000.
Honey, you want want to go to Turks Case.

Speaker 1 Let's get 20 of our friends. You'll agree on this date.
Let's just sort that out so much before you raise your hand. Dude, it's

Speaker 1 everybody I know will go to that.

Speaker 1 We're going to go to Turks and Caicos definitely on this date.

Speaker 2 It was more the elders. The older people were snagging all these crazy things.

Speaker 1 Oh, they got to do everything before they die.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 they were definitely hitting them up. But it was the, I will say, gala energy.
It's very, a lot of the dudes there,

Speaker 2 it like struck me as like guys who are like expecting blowjobs at any minute. Just like the face, they were sitting there like

Speaker 1 making a face.

Speaker 2 Like they knew they were getting their dicks up that night.

Speaker 1 Everyone's dressed up. Exactly.
Your penis is going to be in a mouth.

Speaker 2 It was a lot of pre-head energy. That was the one thing.
And it was, you know, it's not good nor bad. I was just saying, like, fuck, man.

Speaker 1 Sexual energy. Very sexual.

Speaker 1 Everyone's laughing, drinking, spending money. I mean, if you the trophy wives and like

Speaker 1 prostitutes.

Speaker 2 Yes, pretty much. And if you can get, like, you know, if you get women in a dress, that is step one.

Speaker 1 Yeah. This is fancy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That is kind of step one to kind of possibly getting hit.

Speaker 1 It's Valentine's Day. Bringing your wife makes sense.

Speaker 1 Bringing your girlfriend, but bringing the stuff people bring escorts to, when escorts are doing the actual job they say they're doing, when you heard about escort?

Speaker 1 You know, it's like, well, you're paying me for my time. Whatever happens to the thing, it's like, we can go to dinners.
And you're like, yeah.

Speaker 1 I used to drive them.

Speaker 1 I used to drive them. And I'll tell you what, they weren't going to any galas.

Speaker 1 They were going in the front front of a house I thought was abandoned to get fucked by a guy whose arm is always broke or has polio.

Speaker 2 Used to drive hookers.

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Speaker 1 Yeah, that was a good idea.

Speaker 2 What does that make you in the pimp hierarchy where you're like, you're a wheel man?

Speaker 1 Wheel man, just put

Speaker 1 it.

Speaker 1 Technically, they're to protect them. Protecting them in the

Speaker 1 like the strippers, more they were all like strippers and prostitutes for the most part.

Speaker 1 But the strippers was a scarier job because you have to go in and like make sure everything's like kind of okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, you did, like, the bachelor party guy who went in and like counted the money?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The prostitutes were easy. You just drive up out front and they go in, and they'll be like, if all goes great, I'll be out.
You know, it's supposed to be there for like an hour.

Speaker 1 They're like, I should be out in 15 minutes. And like they usually would.
But the one time I drove someone outside of Pennsylvania, someone out

Speaker 1 was outside of Philly. I drove a girl one time, and like we picked her.

Speaker 1 This is also the thing you get to see.

Speaker 1 Like, the this is not, like, this guy's definitely not going to be happy. You know, when you're driving someone out, I picked him up, and I was like,

Speaker 1 unless this guy, there's no way this guy picked her. This is like before, like, internet was everything.
So you weren't, you were going on like a yellow pages

Speaker 1 call, or like, I guess, like the biggest thing. You had the rhino in the car.

Speaker 2 do you guys ever get caught in sex traffic uh i don't know i think if it were above and above her that would be sexy

Speaker 1 sex traffic

Speaker 1 but we um

Speaker 1 i drove this girl i knew she was like i'm like this guy's not gonna like her she was like we drove this nice neighborhood and this girl was like gothed out like big heavyset chick

Speaker 1 real milky skin it was just a look that i'm certain the guy who lives here was not going for and she goes are you sure you weren't trying to hog being like this guy's not gonna be into you you should actually yeah

Speaker 1 let me get you away from all this

Speaker 1 yeah that's what i did when i was catering

Speaker 1 you're gonna take one of the palms you know i mean if i'm driving a hooker i'm gonna go come on i'll put a kiss one kiss oh they're never gonna know give me a little smitch the well the first girl i ever drove well i'll go back to that in a second but this girl she went inside the uh

Speaker 1 she went to the guy's house And I'm just waiting in the car. And then she comes back like three minutes later.
What? And she goes, he said that I'm not what he was expecting. And blah.

Speaker 1 And he sent me whatever. So I was like, I saw coming.
And she goes, and now no matter what, the guy's got to pay X amount for me for the drive, whatever it was, like 25 bucks.

Speaker 1 That meant the world to me at the time for sure.

Speaker 1 And so she was like, he's not, she goes, I was like, oh, I was like, so he just gave you like the, you know, the cancel money or whatever. And she was like, no, he wouldn't give me any money at all.

Speaker 1 And I was like, shit.

Speaker 1 And I just got to hedge the bets. You know, I'm like,

Speaker 1 what does this asshole look like? Because you're waiting to hear this. I'm like, hey, so I can go find him.
But I'm really just asking.

Speaker 1 I'm like, is this worth 25 bucks to me to go knock on this guy's door? And she was like, he's like this little nerdy, whatever guy. So I was like, oh, good, good.
So I go, I knock on the door.

Speaker 1 And I was like, and she kind of came with me, which I didn't think was a good idea. And he opens the door, you know, with kind of like, I don't want like trouble thing.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I was like, no, no, man. You just got to like.
you have to, you're supposed to give like 50 bucks. I guess like 25 for each of us or something like that.

Speaker 1 And he was like,

Speaker 1 He's like, oh, well, I don't. He was basically being a dick.
He was like, I don't have the money. And I'm like, why do you got to give it?

Speaker 1 And then she just busts the door open and started like unhooking his VCR.

Speaker 1 She was like, well, I'm taking something with me or something like that.

Speaker 1 Like, I got her not to do that ultimately. But, like, she was planning on walking out there with something.
And then having to drive a rejected hooker home is such a hilarious conversation. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She's like, actually, I probably went in there with a bad attitude because I didn't want to fuck him. Like, sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sweetheart. You got it.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 2 I'm glad I didn't get his VCR. I didn't even fucking want it, dude.

Speaker 1 The first girl I ever drove, I remember being like impressed by her because

Speaker 1 she was just pretty. One.

Speaker 2 It's funny if you're like 12 and this is just your paper route.

Speaker 1 I was like, I was 18, I think. Damn.
18 or 19. I only did this for a very short amount of time.
How did you get this gig?

Speaker 1 My friend, Ernie, was dating a girl whose dad was just like

Speaker 1 Probably like weird connected shit or something like that and it was like they had a guy who like

Speaker 1 Just ran stripper was supposed to just be strippers ultimately and like yeah, yeah, you just go there and whatever I found out very quick because the guy was like all the other drivers for this company were like old men I remember asking the guy one time like how the fuck?

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's like am I the only and I feel like I'm in danger a lot And he was like, well, he goes, they have guns.
Like, you don't have a gun? And I was like, no.

Speaker 1 And he was like, well, do you want one? And I was like, no.

Speaker 1 And he's like, you sure? I'm like, yeah, dude. I get too nervous.
So

Speaker 1 I'm going to pull out way too early because I'll be nervous. It's always like 15 guys.
You know what I mean? I've had him say things like, you're supposed to stop him, so we do anything.

Speaker 1 And I'd be like, yeah, me and this guy are supposed to stop him. I'd be in a circle already pointing at you every finger.

Speaker 1 Trying to John Wick both hands.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was terrifying. You said a bachelor party in the Pokémon.

Speaker 1 No, I was always last, same same company as the one I did the dressing up at kids' parties for. That was the funniest.
What? Hold on.

Speaker 1 I know you've told this story a million times, but can you please tell us that story? Which the dressing up and there's a couple of them. The Elmo, the Elmo.
Yeah, the Elmos.

Speaker 1 The Elmo? Yeah, yeah. Just let me get that story.
That was the first one they sent me to. The guy was like, hey, if you want to make more money, I also, during the day, the stripper company

Speaker 1 does kids' parties where you dress up as the costumes.

Speaker 1 Same about, you go to the same guy's house with his fucking koi pond and pick up the fucking bag, the trash bag, mind you, full of costume that was like

Speaker 1 not the

Speaker 1 licensed ones, I guess you'd say. You know, they were like shitty costumes.
Knockoff Elmos. So I was Elmo, and they sent me, I was the last call for the stripper thing and this.

Speaker 1 Like the, you know, we need somebody. Our main guys can't do it.
So I always got the shittiest gigs, and they had me like real, like, North Philly,

Speaker 1 like, scary places to go. And I went as

Speaker 1 Elmo right away. No one's happy to see me.
They're like, why is a white guy with a garbage bag coming to our front door?

Speaker 1 And then they let me in, and I was like, Yeah, I'm doing the,

Speaker 1 I'm doing, I'm here for the kids. You know, I'm Elmo.
And they go, all right, go change in the back. It's sweltering hot.
It's like summertime. I put on the Elmo costume, and then I come out to start.

Speaker 1 And they, I

Speaker 1 tell them, like, you know, he's yelling me to do the hokey pokey. But I was giving her,

Speaker 1 I gave her like a CD you you have to like put in, and she was like, We ain't got no play out here, just do the hokey.

Speaker 1 She kept yelling, do the hokey pokey at me, which is just a funny thing to be yelled at. And like, you know, I got a little screen, I'm like, Miss

Speaker 1 that's sort of the closer, you know, like the hokey pokey with all the kids.

Speaker 1 And then, um,

Speaker 1 whatchamacallit, this, like, this little girl, this little black girl, like Berett's nerdy, she's so cute. Like, there was a moment where I was like, oh, this is cool.

Speaker 1 Like, this kid, because she did like the hug. She hugged my leg and love you, Elmo.

Speaker 1 And then kids, like like bad kids, you could tell, were coming in the block on bikes. And they came to the party.

Speaker 1 And while this girl's literally hugging my leg, the kid was like, Yeah, that ain't the real Elmo.

Speaker 1 And she's like, Yes, it is.

Speaker 1 And he's like, He's like, No, it ain't. And he starts looking through the grill thing.

Speaker 1 He sees, and he's like, get out of your mouth. Yeah, I'm just going, come on, kid.
And he just lifts the sleeve up of the thing and screams. He goes, Elmo's white.

Speaker 1 Dude, that's like being in a shark cage. And the mom came over and she was yelling at the kid.

Speaker 1 She goes, no, this is Elmo, honey. This is Elmo.
And the little girl's getting upset. And the kid just pointed it out.
And your mom's going, like, hey, kids, stop.

Speaker 1 And he goes, if that's the real Elmo, why is he wearing FUBU sneakers? Which I was.

Speaker 1 Sick. Fuboo sneakers.

Speaker 1 And then the kid said,

Speaker 1 he goes, let's see if Elmo has nuts. And then I couldn't find him out of my little screen.
And I was turning, and then he just launched me.

Speaker 1 And like, no repercussions. You just socked you.
No, no, just socked you in the ball. I mean, like, but no, but like his, like, the top of his foot.

Speaker 1 The top of his foot hit like my ass crack. Like, he was.

Speaker 1 He got in it.

Speaker 1 Let's see if Delmo has balls. And I'm looking to his screen like.

Speaker 1 It was like Hurtlocker swing going on. Look like Iron Man in his mask.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't expect a from behind nut kick.

Speaker 1 That was truly a master. That was a young matrix.
No, no, no. Not from behind.
It was from the front. You got it from the front.

Speaker 1 It was so in there.

Speaker 1 Like, Googe.

Speaker 2 That is crazy, though, to leave like a, I'm presuming, a slightly fucked up household to spy on.

Speaker 1 I'm ruining this shit. I have less scary stories from the stripper thing than the

Speaker 1 kids' parties, dude. The kids,

Speaker 1 one time I went,

Speaker 1 and the owner of this company would say whatever to sell. Sorry, we got some plumbers here.
They're going wild. The owner of the company would say whatever to sell the gig.

Speaker 1 Getting all your poops out.

Speaker 1 The owner would do anything to sell the gig.

Speaker 1 So I was going to be as Winnie the Pooh to a kids' party, North Philly. And I get in there, and then the guy goes, as soon as I get there,

Speaker 1 the guy goes, as soon as I get in there, it's like, he goes, yo, where's the presents and balloons?

Speaker 1 And I was like, which I thought was even a weird thing that someone would ever believe that's going to happen. I'm like, you want to just bring random presents for your job?

Speaker 1 I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl or what.

Speaker 1 And he's like, well, I was told you'd bring presents and balloons. So I was like, well, I'm sorry.
I'll go, let me call the company. And I called the guy and the guy was like, yeah, I just said it.

Speaker 1 He goes, well, you're there already. Like, they're going to.

Speaker 1 He was like, yeah, no, he told him that's a bullshit. And he goes, put him on the phone.
And now, like, I didn't know this was the scam.

Speaker 1 Put him on the phone, and now we'll take a couple bucks off, but you're already there. And I was like, oh, my God.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So, like, it's also crazy to be like, yeah, we don't need to get the presents. We need the poo.
He's going to come bring all the presents and decorations.

Speaker 1 They said they would. That would be.
Yeah, he said these. We need the person going to bring presents.
Like, what?

Speaker 1 Damn. So

Speaker 1 the guy was like, he gets him on the phone. He's like, all right.
And I go into this house and it was like the,

Speaker 1 do you remember the party in Menace the Society where Kane beat the guy who was talking shit about Jada Pinkett? No. Not really.
It was like that party. Okay.

Speaker 1 This still gives me a good idea. Multiple dice games going on.
Two babies in height chairs eating Cheerios, the only children at this party. And it's one of those kids' birthday.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 when I go in, the guy was like, I was like, where could I change? And he goes, go upstairs. Is it bad? No, fuck it.

Speaker 1 He was like, go upstairs and change in the bedroom. So I went up to a bedroom and closed the door.
And it was fucking...

Speaker 1 Sorry, my plumbers, they're just drummers. Yeah, they're just fucking.
They're doing something.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They're all right.
They figured it out. They're dukes, dude.

Speaker 1 They're sorting it out. Sorry to interrupt.
No, sorry.

Speaker 2 So you're up in the bedroom.

Speaker 1 I go up in this bedroom, I close the door, and the guy's like, don't close that door, motherfucker.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I already did.

Speaker 1 And he was like, oh man, the door, like, when you close it, it won't open. Oh, no.
So now I have to wait for them. to take the door off the hinges.

Speaker 1 And I was, it was funny, like, the door, it literally fell. It was like an old Philly, like shit, yeah.
Yeah. It's this heavy-ass door.

Speaker 1 Like, they take out the hinges and it goes on and it hits the bed. Like, the dust comes up.
And I'm literally standing there holding a Winnie the Pooh. Like, it's like the right stuff.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm holding an astronaut's helmet.

Speaker 2 I'm like, let's go. So, you were dressed as Pooh, just not with the head on yet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, no head on. And then I went downstairs and I gave the guy, again, the CD to put in for the hokey pokey songs or whatever.
And the guy goes, just dance to what's on, which I do recall was Dr.

Speaker 1 Dre's 2001 chronic. Damn.

Speaker 1 So I just like hokey pokey pokey danced to that for two kids in high chairs for like a half hour or so.

Speaker 1 And then it was over, and the guys were just doing their thing and kind of not paying attention to me. And then I was like,

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, man. He goes, kids are adorable.
Like, thanks so much. You know, sorry about the miscommunication earlier.

Speaker 1 I go, I'm going to go upstairs and change back into my clothes and get out of here. And he was like, nah, man, just get out of my house.
I thought he was like being playable first. I was like, guys.

Speaker 1 I go, I know, because the thing before he was like, man, I'm done. Just get the fuck out.
And I was like, well, I got to go change. And he was like, not here.

Speaker 1 And so then, not thinking, I took the head off to be like, yo, man, come on. Like, not like, to start shit with him, just almost to plead, like, buddy, come on.
Let me change.

Speaker 1 And then the kids started fucking screaming. They just saw Winnie the Pooh remove his skull.

Speaker 1 And then they physically pushed me out of the house. And I ran to my

Speaker 1 mom's Cheve.

Speaker 1 I ran to my mom's Chevette and I drove a stick shift home with Winnie the Pooh hands on. Where was all your clothes are in the house?

Speaker 1 No, I had the bag. They were in the bag and stuff.
But it's like my trash bag of my clothes instead of when he the poo. But that was a hilariously far more scary job.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's some fucking bullshit, man.

Speaker 1 Because most of the time the strippers were just, there was only one stripper I drove that was like

Speaker 1 genuinely putting herself through med school, like their actual story that you always hear. Like she was really doing it, which was, made her not a good stripper.

Speaker 1 Because that was what she was the girl that every time they were like, this guy's touching my tit. I'm like, you have it in his mouth.
Yeah, you're a stripper.

Speaker 1 So it's like, she's like, go fight this this guy. He's doing this.
Please,

Speaker 1 you have to let him touch your butt.

Speaker 2 Sure, you could have been like, you have a bright future ahead of you. I don't want to ruin your medical school.

Speaker 1 But the first girl I ever drove

Speaker 1 in that, I don't remember, I think her real name, her fake name or real name was Candice, whatever it was, I drove her. She was really cute.
And we went to a party,

Speaker 1 a bachelor party. And she was like,

Speaker 1 they're sawing now?

Speaker 1 Are they sawing pipes?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you want to pause for a minute? Sure. Yeah.
Sorry.

Speaker 2 This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

Speaker 1 We love BetterHelp.

Speaker 1 Love Butter Help. As nice as it would be.
The help with the button.

Speaker 1 The butter help.

Speaker 2 As nice as it would be. You don't have all the answers.
Prompt for host Rift. I struggled with dot dot dot.

Speaker 2 I personally, I don't like to get into this, but I struggled with deep sexual feelings for amphibians

Speaker 2 until I got help from

Speaker 1 BetterHelp, Butter butterhelp.

Speaker 2 Butterhelp. And we overcame that struggle because they were like, it was like a stern father, like, oh, you want to smoke cigarettes? Well, how about you do 100 of them?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you don't like it.

Speaker 1 You want to have sex with frogs all the time?

Speaker 2 Butterhelp said, how about you do 100 of them, tough guy?

Speaker 1 Box of 100 frogs, and you don't come out of that room until you cream by every one of those fuckers' mouths. I said, but butterhelp.

Speaker 2 It's important that you have a good support system. You know, people you can go to when the going gets tough, like a therapist from Butterhill.

Speaker 2 They're always nice to have in your corner because there are times when you can't go to your family or friends.

Speaker 1 You can't tell your family about those frogs. You can't tell anyone about that.
You got to go to Butterhill.

Speaker 1 That's strictly Butterhill. You got to get on a Zoom call and go, I want to fuck frogs.
They go, holy shit, we got to help.

Speaker 1 I need a trusted professional.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Yes, we already riffed. We rifted our things that helped us.

Speaker 2 Therapy is great because, I mean, dude, it just, after I stopped my whole thing with those amphibians, my social skills were much more positive.

Speaker 2 I overcame those problems, and I learned how to reach out. I learned how to reach out for help in a safe space.

Speaker 2 So if you want to try, if you want to give therapy a try and you're not sure where to begin, check out Butto Hill.

Speaker 1 Still can't really go near any bodies of water.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, because because due to the possibility of a frog

Speaker 1 to send me into a frenzy.

Speaker 2 No, bro. Trust me.
When you're on the edge of a pond and you don't even see the frog, but you hear it jump into the water, I go, I just want to fucking jump after and

Speaker 1 check that thing out.

Speaker 2 Hopefully, I kiss it and it turns into a prince.

Speaker 2 Guys, check out BetterHelp. It's fully online.
So easy to get started. And they have access to a wide range of credentialed therapists, over 30,000 with all sorts of different specialties.

Speaker 2 That's good. Yeah, guys.

Speaker 1 Guys, sorry, I had some motherfucking boogos that's all right check out build your support system booger help

Speaker 2 build your support system with better help visit betterhelp.com slash mssp to get 10 off your first month that's better help h e l p dot com slash mssp yeah and all jokes aside better help's a great company yeah dude they do fucking rock with us yeah they do rock Thank you, Butter Help.

Speaker 1 Butter Help. Hey, we just got back from that fantastic ad read.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 Seriously, that is the best underwear or something. Yeah, it was the best dicto underwear.
Yeah. Underwear.
You think this Kratom? Probably isn't addictive.

Speaker 1 No one's going to think you're a loser this time.

Speaker 1 Dude, you guys, I always associate Kratom with gas digital. Probably not.
And then I came down to Austin. Kratom presents gas digital.

Speaker 2 You guys are like the sacklers of Kratom.

Speaker 1 But then I came down here in Austin and

Speaker 1 it was one of those like Huberman said it works type.

Speaker 1 Like I don't think he did, but like that type of mindset. Because down here, that's what everyone is.
Kratom dads? No, but like.

Speaker 2 Huberman dads.

Speaker 1 Huberman, like, Zin is actually a neurotrophic dad, so it's good for you. Like, that.
Oh, okay. One milligram a day.
You can't just enjoy anything. It's got to be science.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You can't just go, yeah.

Speaker 1 But they were like, kratoms. They were just kratom in nice bottles in the greenery.

Speaker 1 I was like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Have we put this under the Rogan scope yet? No, it was under there. It was like, Joe, get your loop.
She goes,

Speaker 1 this is different. He's like, yeah, it's cool.

Speaker 2 They do have, yeah, they do have little Kratom, like five-hour energy type things.

Speaker 1 Those are awesome. It's the only one Josh Eden Myers got me to try was little, I think it's OHMS or something.
It's called. It's like this big.
It's a drink.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 you shouldn't drink it all. It's this big.
If you drink it all, you will, I believe, like opiates, get violently nauseous for

Speaker 1 five minutes or so. And then it's great.

Speaker 1 Oh, nice.

Speaker 1 When that nausea goes away, awesome. To ride.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I wrote three full Nirvana albums.

Speaker 1 New music, too. I just know it's theirs.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So before we left, you said you had

Speaker 1 the pretty. Pretty girl.
First girl I ever drove. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Very pretty. Yeah.
And so, and she was so pretty that I was

Speaker 1 like... You know, the self-soothing of like, what she's doing is actually great.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because we went to this party and I said, I always remember the thing was she had a, she was, all right, guys, we're going to play a game.

Speaker 1 She controlled the room, too, which I thought that's hilarious.

Speaker 1 We're right back after another ad from heroin.

Speaker 1 After these words, from that's crazy, heroin.

Speaker 2 Timing's unbelievable.

Speaker 1 That was wild. It was pin drop.
It was. It was quiet.

Speaker 1 Yep. And we're back.
As you were saying.

Speaker 1 First trip we're ever dropping.

Speaker 1 It's coming.

Speaker 1 It's coming.

Speaker 1 Sorry, guys. Got to do some light belt sanding.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's on me. Hand up accountability.

Speaker 1 Honestly, I was told they'd be out of here. It's all good.

Speaker 1 Dude.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, the first girl I ever drove. We went to this place.
So she was controlling the room, which I thought was like, again, I just thought she was pretty.

Speaker 1 So I was just like, and I'm the person driving her. So you're like, am I falling in love with this girl? And

Speaker 1 she looks good. And then she starts doing this thing that's so raunchy.
But again, I liked her so much that I thought it was a brilliant business thing.

Speaker 1 I've talked about this where I'm like, smart move. This is called something in business, what she just did.

Speaker 1 What was she else? She would go, all right, guys, we're playing this game. $5, $10, or $20.

Speaker 1 And it was like for $5. So she rolls it up like a Coke straw, whatever you give her.
And then she'll put it like in her pussy, basically.

Speaker 1 But she keeps her fingers like at the base. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And so it's like for $5, she puts it in a little bit for $10, a little bit more, and you take it out with your mouth out of her pussy. You're making the right face.

Speaker 1 If you were wondering if you were making the right face, you are.

Speaker 1 He goes, okay.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 here's the problem with any kind of story of a bachelor party.

Speaker 1 Your mindset there will tend to be different, I think. You know what I mean? Whenever I say bother, you're hearing it later.
You're like, ugh, money in a pussy, and then money in my mouth.

Speaker 1 Like, all those things are wrong. And then my mouth near money, near a hooker pussy.
This is all bad. But

Speaker 1 everybody did the $20 because it would be the closest. But the funny thing, I was always like, well, it's crazy because no matter how much you put in there, you could fit it in your mouth and

Speaker 1 you're only getting as close as her fingers. Like, you're never actually getting closer to her pussy.
Yeah. Every guy did the 20, and I was like, it's a genius.
Well, it's funny to be.

Speaker 2 Let me do the five.

Speaker 1 Let me stay on the periphery. It's crazy.

Speaker 2 I'll just take a fiver. Let me just like get, get like, let me feel the warmth of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He goes, let me get a five-dollar smell list in there and five. What about three fives? That'd be the move.

Speaker 2 I'm going to do, I'm going to back-to-back three fives.

Speaker 1 That is the move. But he's right.
For $20 and fives, you could go four times and get the same experience.

Speaker 2 Can you inhale the air through the bill?

Speaker 1 I assume you could if you wanted to. Can you just scuba a little bit?

Speaker 1 Scuba.

Speaker 1 Siphon.

Speaker 2 Just take it one deep hit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If something comes through the straw, it's free for your tiles. Oh, no.
Oh,

Speaker 1 what is that? Toilet paper drum. This is bad news.

Speaker 2 Sure, that'd be a bonus.

Speaker 1 But anyway,

Speaker 1 I thought she was an angel sent from heaven to do that. I've never been at a bachelor party that was

Speaker 1 crazy.

Speaker 2 We had one where there was, I think I told you about it. There was a lady who had just visibly must have just given birth not very long ago.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Because she had like that skin, and we were all calling her brain belly.

Speaker 1 Dude, you go get a laughter answer from brain belly.

Speaker 2 But yeah, it was actually.

Speaker 1 Some of her own Brain Belly, but go ahead.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 this girl on our drive home.

Speaker 1 Sometimes guys get it and they don't even get birth, but whatever.

Speaker 1 When I was driving her home, she goes, we stopped at 7-Eleven.

Speaker 1 I remember she goes in and she bought one of those

Speaker 1 single individual roses for herself. And I was like, I'm like, what's that for? And she goes, it was just this sad, like,

Speaker 1 I always buy myself flowers at the end of a work night because I deserve it. And then I, uh, and then I, now, this must have been so creepy for her.
I dropped her off at her house.

Speaker 1 Next day, next day, show up at her house for flowers. And I go, you deserve someone else to give you flowers.

Speaker 1 And by the way, she could have been looking back more like, if my abusive boyfriend sees you here, I'm going to have to shit beat out. She was like, thank you.
Thanks so much.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, and I just think you should know. She's like, cool, thanks.
Like, I was like, bye.

Speaker 2 She shoved them off her pussy. She's like, see you later.

Speaker 1 I go, so if I could. You should have brought a $5 billion instead of flowers.
You should have been like, one moment of your time with this $5 bill. So

Speaker 1 skip ahead. I started doing comedy.
I was doing comedy already, but

Speaker 1 that's like a job I would do kind of infrequently. But

Speaker 1 when I needed money, I would take it. And so

Speaker 1 you can just call

Speaker 1 in the yellow pages, any of those places at the time and be like, hey, do you need a driver? I've done it before. They'll be like, sure.
Most of them will be like, sure. Can you start tonight?

Speaker 1 So this guy, I called some guy on the phone. I was like, hey, you're looking for drivers? I have experience.

Speaker 1 And he goes, yeah, he goes, the way he does it is you hang out at his house, this guy's apartment, and wait for jobs to come in. The girls sit there with you.

Speaker 1 So I go to this guy's apartment not far from where my mom lives. It was just a couch, a TV, and bodybuilding trophies everywhere.
The guy was just like a totally huge jack guy, nice enough guy.

Speaker 1 And he goes, all right, so

Speaker 1 you got a gig. You're taking these two girls.
One's this Asian girl. One's my cousin.

Speaker 1 Okay, so the Asian girl shows up. She's nice enough.

Speaker 1 The cousin comes.

Speaker 1 It's the fucking girl. The first girl I ever drove is his cousin.
She now, by the way, this girl who was like so hot, we take her to this, or I take her to this party. She's brain belly.

Speaker 1 Everyone, not brain belly. Everyone's like into this Asian girl.
She's very pretty. And then this girl, they're like, you hear the guys making jokes about her.
And

Speaker 1 she was all like pale pale now and her asshole was brown and dark she had a dog ass she had like an old dog asshole that came off dog eyes

Speaker 1 little tiny white and they're being mean to her and i'm almost what you have that thing where i'm like i'm like don't know you don't know what she's like this is she's in a rough patch or something

Speaker 1 yeah you're in her you don't

Speaker 1 no but she did look puddy busted and it was funny that was my luck because people ask if i ever fucked any of the strippers ever on that gig We went back to the cousin's house and it was just me and her waiting for another gig to come in.

Speaker 1 And that night she started like digging her toes. Like she was like laying on the couch and she was like digging her toes like under my thing.

Speaker 1 Kind of like laying out, ah, I mean, not here at your cousin's house. I was like, nah, dude, she has something now for sure.
Yeah. And I never saw her ever again.
Probably dead. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That is, that's the crazy thing with like

Speaker 2 OnlyFans and all this stuff. Like it does, I'm not like being puritanical about it, but it doesn't seem to really work well for women psychologically.
Like they fucking crash hard.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Female porn stars.

Speaker 1 I was talking about the momentum.

Speaker 1 We all thought thought that Jenna Jameson was like the example of,

Speaker 1 look, you could do it and kind of get mainstreamed and not like lose your sense about you. And then, you know, they have the video of her in night vision, like breaking all the cameras in her house.

Speaker 1 You ever see her? She's like climbing ladders.

Speaker 1 It's night visions or she's like a raccoon just bucking out. She also

Speaker 2 now it's like I feel like the hard, hardcore stuff back then is like expected now. Oh, yeah, for sure.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Hold on. I think they're doing a little slop up.

Speaker 2 I think he's breaking up what it means.

Speaker 1 I think the toilet's just exploding.

Speaker 1 It's the smoke test.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 Is there anyone in there? No, the toilet's smoking.

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 I kind of want to see this. Yeah, go check it out.
You got to go see the smoking toilet. I got to see the smoking toilet.

Speaker 2 Break.

Speaker 2 It was smoking.

Speaker 1 Smoke looks good.

Speaker 1 Toilet back there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was smoking big time.

Speaker 1 Like, through the farm or whatever? Oh, yeah. Straight through the water.

Speaker 1 It's not great. He goes, oh, shit.

Speaker 1 I thought smoke is good.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Smoky shit. This house, man.
Smoke turds.

Speaker 1 There's been turds trapped in the walls since day one.

Speaker 1 Turds are everywhere. That's walls.

Speaker 1 I've never heard a plumber once do that. No.

Speaker 1 You've never been to a bachelor party. Was it a wild one ever? No, never.
I've never been with like college friends and stuff now. No.
Never went to the crazy one.

Speaker 1 I've been to the craziest one was, I think it was who's fucking party with Lewis.

Speaker 1 Zach. It was Zach's.
That's a pretty wild bachelor party. That was a wild one.
But me and O'Connor, that was the first time I really, I think,

Speaker 1 did Molly. Oh, yeah.
And I just sat on a couch. Oh, that wasn't Molly.
That was

Speaker 1 actual ecstasy. It was great.
Yeah, I was afraid of, I didn't talk to the women at all. And then

Speaker 1 I was on drugs watching Lewis, like, yeah, bitch, clear, man. Like, he's very, not, he wasn't calling him bitches, but he was very.
Show your butthole.

Speaker 1 There was. He's ready to party in that gear.
He was comfortable with strippers. I'm not.
No, yeah, Lewis, through my bachelor party when I got married. It was.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's pretty good. He goes pretty hard with it.
But the two that I've been to,

Speaker 1 that I've anyway, I went to when my ex-wife's friend

Speaker 1 was having a bachelor party. They invited me to.
I don't know why they wanted to. I think they wanted me to come because I'm a comedian.
Like, they had come to shows already.

Speaker 1 So as a virtual unknown, still, they were like the comedian guys coming. And they had a stripper there that was gorgeous who was fucking.
And I

Speaker 1 went in the bathroom with her. And I'm such a fucking fat snook.

Speaker 1 Like, I went there and talked to her for 45 minutes where i started hearing people outside the door going like hey man are you done in there he goes who brought this fat guy who's like here like no one knows who i was and i'm just hogging the stripper to chat with her i go yeah i used to work in this business a little bit myself my daughter laying down her yeah i tried to chat her up

Speaker 1 she had no interest she was almost like hey are we like fucking in here or not i was like yeah you gotta do your thing or whatever you know you got enough you got enough on it

Speaker 1 you're trying to have industry talk there was a guy uh it's time to talk biz there was a guy used to come to my shows always.

Speaker 1 I became friendly with him, but I opened for Bobby Slayton a million years ago at the West Palm Improv.

Speaker 1 And afterwards, all these people that came to see him and the host of the show, who was like a local player,

Speaker 1 we like, they're like, oh, we got to go to the strip club. We have to go to the strip club.
We went, and this guy, Lorne, who I became friends with, was one of the managers there.

Speaker 1 And he was like, you know, pick a girl or whatever. It was just like free reign.
And he was always like that kind of

Speaker 1 like dude. And a few years back,

Speaker 1 I was in the Comedy Inn in Miami, which is a small little room in the motel basically whoa and uh he's like I'm coming and he goes I got a new this is a couple years back he goes I got a new company too I'm bringing a couple of the girls he's like and they went to party and I'm just like yeah man sure yeah so him and his buddy come to bring these two girls who are like super ghetto like Hispanic girls both cute though

Speaker 1 and he was like hey you want to go He goes, they want to go like smoke with you or something before the show. Why don't you take them to your room or whatever, which is a motel room right up there.

Speaker 1 So I was like, uh, yeah. And I went there, I smoked pot with him, talked to him for a while.
And then I was like, but my thing is so like,

Speaker 1 like me and Lewis, where we have different opinion on this a lot of times, like Lewis has the why he says he could fuck a hooker is rooted in, he thinks he's like, this must be a nice change for you, huh?

Speaker 1 Like getting to fuck me instead of like what you think. I assume I'm the other end of that spectrum.
So I'm like, oh, God, this girl's like going to have to wash me off later.

Speaker 1 Just being like, what am am I doing? I got to get my kids back from social services and get my shit together. So like,

Speaker 1 that's fair. That's fair.
Yeah, I would feel the same way. That's how I feel.
I feel like they're like, well, this is my job I have to do.

Speaker 1 And clearly, he told them they should like do something and fuck around with me because, you know, I'm hooking them up with tickets or whatever to this,

Speaker 1 this little

Speaker 1 motel comedy club. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So.

Speaker 1 But in my mind, I'm going like, you know what?

Speaker 1 Because they're both cute. And I'm like,

Speaker 1 they're going to come to to the show. After the show, they're probably going to really want to fucking maybe would be the best thing.
Or at least I can convince myself. Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 1 Now they're like, oh, I saw you do your thing. So yeah, now we kind of want to do this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let me see you do your thing now.

Speaker 1 After the show, I'm talking to them. And I think even a little before the show, they're both giving you, of course, their, like you said, no one gets out of it unscathed.

Speaker 1 Like they're both giving, they're like,

Speaker 1 it's like, my boyfriend hates that I do this, man. Like, if he beats the shit out of me one more time, my dad's going to kill him.
He's just going to talk like that. And you're like, okay.

Speaker 1 And then we're sitting outside bullshitting with the two of them and the two guys, my buddy Lauren and his buddy.

Speaker 2 And like, I told you these chicks wanted to party, dude.

Speaker 1 Killing time. Yeah, I mean, really killing time.
And then the guy eventually goes, like, hey, man, we're going to get out of here pretty soon.

Speaker 1 So, you know, if you want to take the girls and hang out for a little bit, like, you know, now's the time. And I remember just touching him on his arm and I went, give him the night off, man.

Speaker 1 Just give him the night off, man.

Speaker 2 How'd they react to that?

Speaker 1 Were they like, oh, sweet?

Speaker 1 No, they were were almost puzzled. Like, everyone, he was even like, no, man.
He's like, the girls came to party and stuff. I was like, I know, but like,

Speaker 1 even that sentence. It's like they came in and they were like, they know me and my stuff.

Speaker 1 Like, they came to party because you were like, hey, you girls want to do Coke tonight, probably for free and drink. Go fuck this guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
I'm all right.

Speaker 2 You think he was going to try to get you the bill? He was going to hit you with the bill, too?

Speaker 2 He didn't have a tab or anything.

Speaker 1 Not even sort of. So he was just hooking you up.
Absolutely. But

Speaker 1 I'm with you. I would have done that.

Speaker 1 I i don't know i just i get it i get it completely but i have to believe or at least be able to believe in some way like you want to do this not like you will i will you yes yeah i will say that it must have been i don't know if you did this that night the fap sesh must have been decent though because like there were two hookers in your room i feel like that'd be a nice fab session no i've hit the post uh like strip club yeah fap session where you're like i could have uh and then you go home and you're like damn this i because you're horny why are you jacking off you're like damn, this would have been so much clueless.

Speaker 1 Fucking lady. Yeah.
Then you come home and you go, oh, thank God. Exactly.
The second you're done. You come back.
It's so fucking great. This part of your brain's back online.

Speaker 2 It's like,

Speaker 1 going on the road, before I ever had a laptop, you know, for years, that wasn't really a thing that everybody had a laptop. So on the road was a hilarious race.

Speaker 1 You'd either find, you'd either have that local newspaper, whatever that weird arts paper is, that would have hooker ads, the yellow pages, and the e-channels, Girls Gone Wild infomercial.

Speaker 1 And it was a race to like, can I just jerk off and not make a terrible mistake right now? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you have to remind yourself, you go, as soon as it's over, you're going to be like, I don't really have $200 to be throwing around like that or whatever. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, all of it is so bad. As soon as you're done, you're like, Perfect night.
You really made the right decision there, big guy. Thank you, Girls Gone Wild.
I mean, who doesn't know?

Speaker 1 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Speaker 1 We were all probably hitting the same commercial a couple of times. Daytime.
You know how when it's like, if you look at the moon,

Speaker 1 sure. Any time on Earth, if we stare at the moon at the same time, it's like those girls are wild.
We saw them.

Speaker 2 I was catching him with Stern. If you had like a lady,

Speaker 1 you were probably catching it at the same time. You see Stern, you'd be like, fuck, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm not trying to jerk the Stern. Fuck out of here, Stern.
Get out of here, Stern. You look like a witch.

Speaker 1 He does look like a witch. He does.

Speaker 2 Looks like a bruja.

Speaker 1 He is a bruja, dude. Howard Stern.
He's a juha. He's a juha.

Speaker 1 He's a bitch.

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Speaker 2 but yeah that's the best getting like, I mean, Squiggle Vision was the fucking ultimate. I wish

Speaker 1 I was a little bit more. Horny Didley with fucking Horny Dad was Spice Channel.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Spice Channel. And then I got, at one point,

Speaker 1 one of my first roommates in New York worked for the cable company, so we had unlocked Spice and Playboy Channel. And like,

Speaker 1 those are really like...

Speaker 1 That was still the era where everything's on DVD or you had to download. So it was like,

Speaker 1 you did it, but it was like so not good, the Playboy channel. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's still like the fact that they made any kind of what you would describe as vanilla pornography in the world is still strange to me that it exists.

Speaker 2 Like softcore, you're saying, or just Playboy, just the idea of the music.

Speaker 1 It was just naked women. But yeah, they weren't even doing anything.
It was just naked women. Maybe it's just the naked women stuff, but I mean, like, just all of it's gotten so like...

Speaker 1 Like the fact that anyone can go back and be like, what do I read? Like, dude, Maxim Magazine has the 50 Hottest Bikini Babes pictorial. Like, who gives a shit? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like, there's a girl this pretty taking a dump in a sink on the internet.

Speaker 1 And that's what I'm saying. I really want those things out.
You know what I mean? I'm going to get a vial of it sent to my house.

Speaker 1 And I need to suck that vial down. I'm interviewing in a few weeks, I believe, or we got Farr Abraham.
And I told the person who's sending her to her. So that's the team.
To do some research.

Speaker 1 That's MTV's teen mom. Oh.
And then she started doing like porn. She did a couple porn videos, like pro porn videos.
Then she started doing like cam stuff.

Speaker 1 But then, LeMaire, you're familiar with this. Then she took a video of herself for somebody taking a dump that is the, I don't know where this dump was inside of her tiny body.

Speaker 1 She smoked out a toilet.

Speaker 1 She smoked one out for the OF. Well, she's not, no, she shits right on the floor, but like an animal.
But I mean, it is a shit I've watched so many times because

Speaker 1 it's fascinating. It's like a cork pops, like one little shit comes out, And then two straight feet of connected shit.

Speaker 1 And then you have this on your phone. Yeah, somewhere.

Speaker 1 Because I'd like to take a look at this dump.

Speaker 2 So she segued teen moms into her OnlyFans. I mean, she's powerful.

Speaker 1 Where's she now? She's still teenagers. She's dropping chocolate coming.
She's probably in her 30s. But now.
She's in her 30s. But now she's dropped her magnum opus.

Speaker 1 She's doing stand-up comedy. What? Obviously.
So her first time stand-up comedy is going to be at a strip club in New York, so she's coming on the bonfire to promote it. That's so sick.

Speaker 1 And I told the person, I was like, first thing I'm asking about is this dump.

Speaker 1 I go, I don't know. I know there's no audio on it, so I have to assume as soon as it was funny, finished come out, did you go,

Speaker 1 I can't wait to see this dump.

Speaker 1 It's pretty good. You've got

Speaker 2 to be so underrated. Just a cork pop.
I might be a cork pop. Yo, just caught it after the cork pop.

Speaker 1 I never caught the poop, but I've seen her other work.

Speaker 2 Damn, dude. Just a rogue lady, just five.
She's probably like five cappuccinos a day,

Speaker 1 five whipped cream Starbucks a day.

Speaker 1 Just brewing the two-footers. Brewing the two-footers.

Speaker 1 She should have held it up like a fisherman at the end.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you watched it. That's going to be two feet.
You might have to take a picture. Yeah, you might have to, like a hunter.
Yeah, you've got to sit over it with the antlers.

Speaker 1 This might be a joke.

Speaker 2 Imagine being the guy, get all that bang for your buck, being like, I didn't think it was going to be this amazing. I thought it it was being like a pathetic girl turd.

Speaker 1 Turns out. That OF guy must have.

Speaker 2 I get jealous of those guys who can just have that aspect of your life where you're just constantly scheming all like filming the girl taking it up.

Speaker 2 That would add such a charge to your whole life.

Speaker 1 It's been a while. It's tough to get porn here.
Governor Abbott's locking down the turd porn.

Speaker 2 I know, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Turd porn should be the most legal of all.

Speaker 1 I don't have a thing.

Speaker 1 It should be equal with childborn to me.

Speaker 1 If you're watching Turdborn, you should be in fucking prison. Getting beaten up.
There's all the other guys in there. They're like, you're the turd porn guy.
You should be a PC.

Speaker 2 My thing is, it's just, it's not even sexual. I'm taking a dump.
I'd be like, governor. You're the one getting horny.

Speaker 1 Governor, Your Honor.

Speaker 2 I just wanted to make sure this lady was healthy.

Speaker 1 Taking a proper dump.

Speaker 1 Let's Jeffrey. Bing.
Bing will have it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, this is.

Speaker 2 So she, was it like a private video that got leaked?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. This is for somebody who paid her to do it.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 But, like, was it on the public chain, like the public page? Or, like, how did this vid get out?

Speaker 2 I guess you can't keep it to yourself. You tell 12 people, you basically told the world.

Speaker 1 It's true.

Speaker 2 Show 12 of your buttons. I mean, that video would nothing would spread faster than that, though.

Speaker 2 That's why it spreads.

Speaker 1 I'd like to see it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to find a one for you.

Speaker 1 I had a bunch of scat pornography.

Speaker 2 He might be a shit porn guy. That's the number one shit porn.

Speaker 2 He's kind of smelled it doubting us right now. He's like, I got to run it.

Speaker 1 I don't like this stuff.

Speaker 1 It's in the file I have here. No, I don't like it.
It's in my homework file. That's not true.
You got the voice of a scat man. One of us had.
There got to be one shitty porn guy in this room.

Speaker 2 Skibbity, bop, boop, baby.

Speaker 1 Shibity, baby, boob, bottom, boop.

Speaker 1 Did you get it, Luke? Guardian, did you get it? I got it for you.

Speaker 1 It's just Black lady's poop.

Speaker 2 What are they dropping?

Speaker 1 Hang on.

Speaker 1 Let me take a look at this.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 This is an impressive shit. Hotter than I.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I wasn't a little bit fat.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is she talking to me? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, dude, no.

Speaker 1 Now, you'll see. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 All right, here we go.

Speaker 1 The first one's not impressive. It looks like the space.
No. Now, the first one's just going to pop out.
That's the cork.

Speaker 1 Now, here.

Speaker 1 One

Speaker 1 foot,

Speaker 1 two

Speaker 1 feet.

Speaker 1 That's like three and a half. And then.

Speaker 1 So if you guys have any questions you want me to ask.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they injected. They injected that.

Speaker 1 I think that was fake, dude. You'd like to think that.

Speaker 2 That was a legit dump. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Shane, you've had a problem always appreciating others' talents.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true. I mean,

Speaker 2 the cork is the craziest detail.

Speaker 1 No way. Yeah, that might be the real deal.
The first thing that breaks out, yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you think there might be, here's my question I'd like to ask her. is there some sort of prep if you know you got a big like you know gardeni hit you up you know you have the big dump

Speaker 1 what's the regimen do you like hit a bunch of fibers it seems like she was stacking them for sure inside of herself because that's i mean those three dumps

Speaker 1 it was

Speaker 1 i mean when she was done the fact she just like they showed the longer one like she turns around it's kind of like did you like that and i was like how are you not like taking a little cs day after that that's more like when you're done you got to go wow

Speaker 1 that must have been in there for a while.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she just passed that like nothing.

Speaker 1 She was like, yeah, I'll tell you shit. A big fucking two-coiler.

Speaker 1 God bless her heart. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But they got it to-do notes.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. They probably go super fiber.

Speaker 1 Spirit. Shit.

Speaker 2 Probably super fiber. It's like fiber powder, probably, for two days, knowing they have the big video.

Speaker 1 Definitely the most famous person to ever make a shit video.

Speaker 2 Blippy. Remember Blippy did that? The Harlem Shake video? Yeah, that's a lot of fun.
Blippy, the guy who was the kid's entertainer before he became a child entertainer, made it.

Speaker 2 Remember that Harlem shake dance everyone would do?

Speaker 1 Like, bum, bum, bum, bum, bump.

Speaker 2 He took a video where he was sitting on the toilet. It was him on the to his friend was on the toilet, and he just shit all over his friend.

Speaker 2 And then Blippy just popped off, and everyone was just like, whatever, my kid likes this show.

Speaker 1 Did you ever, you guys, ever watch the old

Speaker 1 Chuck Berry, the old Chuck Berry videos? Chuck Berry Farts, one of the funniest. Yeah, he goes, Give me that fog.

Speaker 1 I love the lady's face. She's like, yeah, yeah.
He goes, ooh, get that fog.

Speaker 1 Share head bops back out of it. Whoa, there it is.
It's real.

Speaker 1 You like that fog?

Speaker 1 Farting.

Speaker 1 Farting in Hooker's face is

Speaker 1 fucking wild.

Speaker 1 I mean, you're paying for it.

Speaker 1 I guess you've got to be able to do what you want.

Speaker 2 Even back then, there was no like, I mean, there was a newspaper, but you didn't think anything would ever get out.

Speaker 2 Like, if you farted a hooker's face, there'd be a part of your head being like, this is going to be on BuzzFeed. You would just be like, this is going to make its way.
Back then, it was just like,

Speaker 1 he must have, he filmed it. Yeah.
He filmed it. I don't want to, again, fuck release.

Speaker 2 This is speculation. Huge chance that was like a 13-year-old girl.
Huge chance.

Speaker 1 Back in the 50s, you could part. What is it? No, you could see it.
Okay. There's a video of it.
She's like old hookers. They're like actually pretty gnarly looking hookers.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, they're hitting farce.

Speaker 2 I was just venturing to like, back then, you could really, those dudes did like everything. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, Led Zeppelin. They're letting the Led out.
They're getting Led. They're letting it out.
Yeah, that was

Speaker 1 on Howard Stern a few years back. One of the famous groupies,

Speaker 1 like from BB Buel or one of them, like came in to talk and kind of do like a tell-all book. And like, just so casually, the way she goes, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know if she lost her virginity, but she was like, when she was 15, she basically got gangbanged by the Allman Brothers, like backstage.

Speaker 1 But the difference is she's just going like, oh, it was great. Like, she's telling the story like that.
It just gets no legs. Like, no one cares.
The Almond Brothers, bro. Yeah.
That's crazy.

Speaker 2 The Almond Eskimo Brothers, dude.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 Bold? The Almond Brothers. Oh, true.

Speaker 1 Now we're talking. That's just a joke for you admit.

Speaker 1 No, that's not for the pop. I thought you were pointing to bold.
I'm like, that is quite bold.

Speaker 1 Pointed that jar of almonds.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's so fucking good.

Speaker 1 The almond brothers, bro. Come on now.
Come on now.

Speaker 2 Damn, you think the almond brothers are like laying pipe like that?

Speaker 1 I don't. I don't.
You think they were laying pipe? I mean, they're 15 year olds it's the 70s the 70s yeah

Speaker 1 back then when did you used to be able to get your driver's license

Speaker 1 i don't know

Speaker 1 i don't think they even did it back then i don't think so shame on you allman brothers i just think

Speaker 1 yeah true

Speaker 1 on their alleged behavior but i think there's also something to like

Speaker 1 like i said these things were like people it was like it wasn't like they were like seeking out 15 year olds. It seems like 15 year old girls were trying to get backstage to fight.

Speaker 1 I think it was a time where people accepted

Speaker 1 where you fell over just like the overall laws. It's like, yeah, if you're some kind of scraggly,

Speaker 1 rotten-homed kid, like, you're probably going to be out there fucking at like 14, 15 years old. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Or if, like, you know, there's, I'm sure there was also 15-year-old girls who would be like, do what? Go where?

Speaker 2 Huge chance, dude. The brothers don't even remember it.
They're probably sitting somewhere. And I came on, they're like,

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 that'd be a tough one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, feeling that one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and Jimmy Page, right? He had the other one. He was the famous one.
He had like a child bride.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 2 They were partying, bro.

Speaker 2 Rock stars. Were they rock stars or were they pitifuls?

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's hard to say.
It's an intense party, though. Alleged child pussy must be great.

Speaker 1 Allegedly. Allegedly.
Alleged child pussy?

Speaker 1 Allegedly?

Speaker 1 Talking about it 50 years later, yeah. Yeah, it's fine.
Yeah. Stood the test of time, kid pussy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know what was great in the day?

Speaker 1 Our whole government seems in disarray about it.

Speaker 2 The Epstein stuff went off.

Speaker 1 Society is collapsing over the weight of kidney pussy. It's

Speaker 1 kid dick and false.

Speaker 1 That's the Epstein thing. They were like, how many people they don't, you know, they interview all the ones.

Speaker 1 They never, you know, when they got the Olympic doctor guy, right, where he was like fingering all the

Speaker 1 when they got him, like every victim showed up. It was like 300 victims like show up to be like, you did this, you fucked me over.
Yeah. Epstein,

Speaker 1 where they were pulling those girls from, there is a bulk of those chicks that were just like, yeah, it was a good way to make 400 bucks. You know, watch an old man whack off.

Speaker 1 It's the uncle, it's the Uncle Eddie thing. Remember when Uncle Eddie in Philly, like when he got arrested, like people were like, oh man, damn.

Speaker 1 That's what we, if we went to the mall, we would just go take a dump at the fucking Ed's house and show Marwiener, and he'd give us 50 bucks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he was such a legend. When I was growing up, no one was mad.

Speaker 1 Nobody

Speaker 1 like happy when he got put away. They were like, fuck, dude.
My fucking. Yeah.
That was my mall money.

Speaker 2 That was when I was little, like, there's a guy, he carries around a pizza box, and he'll say, if you give him your underwear, he'll give you 50 bucks, 50 bucks, and he'll put him in the pizza box.

Speaker 2 How old are you? I'm 39.

Speaker 1 I'm 47. I mean, that thing went around.
These guys are legends. He's totally fucking legend.

Speaker 1 I'm saying Lily Oman, brothers. You're the kid.
You're going, I had a good fucking time. I genuinely had the thought in my head when they just described when I was a kid,

Speaker 1 be careful, that school would say, there's a guy once, he's asking kids for their dirty underwear or use underwear. And I genuinely remember having a thing, and I'm like, where is this motherfucker?

Speaker 1 Like, I will give him my dirty. I wasn't putting it together that it was like any kind of a gay thing or something like that.
I'm like, I guess he's just a fucking freaky weirdo. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was like, yeah, dude, I go. It does sound like a mythical.
Yeah, dude. I wouldn't even throw out, like I said, if I had skid marked underwear when I was a kid, he'd be like, nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to save these for a school day.

Speaker 1 I'll just play it against Portie for you. You're right there.

Speaker 1 But those guys that would call Howard Stern with those Philly accents were so great. Like, yeah, he went over to go, my boy took a fucking dump on his chest.
It was crazy.

Speaker 1 And then I'd show him my ding-a-ling and we get at it.

Speaker 1 My dad had a nice little creep. Legendary pervert? Yeah, legendary pervert that would give you crimpets if you showed him your dick.
Butterscotch? Butterscotch. Nice.
Yeah. Pole Packard.

Speaker 1 So Phil was out in the woods. So that was big.
I knew somewhere in the world that tasty cakes were being used for evil. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. How do you get that cake to stay so moist? According to Phil, he never did it.
How's it shelf-stable and that moist?

Speaker 1 His one boy would go for it all the time and then split the crimpets with my dad.

Speaker 1 Phil was pimping out his boy. He was pimping.
That's awesome. You're going to show me that.
I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I feel like that was always the kid that would sell candy in school, was the same kid that would also

Speaker 1 run boy ass for a local pedophile.

Speaker 1 I got a couple irons in the fire. I'm doing a little candy thing, a little resell BJ's Costco candy thing.
I'm running boy ass to some local peds, some local pedos. Kid dick to a weirdo

Speaker 1 for cupcakes.

Speaker 2 What exactly did you have to do?

Speaker 1 Just like shows you. I think you're just showing me a dick.
You have a good pedophile stinghouse, Shane. Yeah, right here.
This is a great pedophile stinghouse.

Speaker 1 We were just watching To Catch a Predator. I know that's one of your all-time favorites.
It's so good. Yeah, I've been on three,

Speaker 1 four,

Speaker 1 three or four pedophile stings. Pretty wild.
Howard did it? Yeah, yeah. I didn't take part.

Speaker 1 Well, I took minimal part. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When my last special came out, the guys, Dads Against Predators, those are the ones now who just beat the guys up

Speaker 1 completely.

Speaker 2 Shove them in the cupcakes at Walmart.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. When I went with them, and

Speaker 1 I went to hang out with them, and it was funny when they had the guy cornered in the grocery store. He was cornered, and they were like yelling at him, giving a bunch of shit in the grocery store.

Speaker 1 When I walked by,

Speaker 1 I was

Speaker 1 Instagram living. Oh, no.
I was Instagram living when I walked by to be like,

Speaker 1 I was going like, hey, I'm watching these guys do their pedophile hunt. And as I'm walking by, those guys to fuck with the...
Which is also funny.

Speaker 1 When you do the pedophile hunts, there is something the idea, though. It's like they take it seriously, but also not that seriously.
They make jokes like themselves about it.

Speaker 1 So the guy, when they're walking by, they look at me and the guy goes, he says to the pedophile, he goes, you fucking know Big Jay Okerson is? And the guy was like, no. And I just go, oh.

Speaker 1 You hear my voice just go, oh.

Speaker 1 Like, a view is a view.

Speaker 1 And then at the end of it, they take him out to a field and they make him stand in a trash can, call his mother and tell her he's a pedophile, and then go, Big Jay Ogerson's dog belly available, whatever.

Speaker 1 Holy shit.

Speaker 1 Shit, dude.

Speaker 1 I went to a Stinghouse one where the girl lures

Speaker 1 the guys over. That was pretty wild.
That was

Speaker 1 at the Stinghouse. This is, Jay, this is insane.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's wild.
Yeah. The stinghouse one, first guy comes over.
We hide in a bedroom.

Speaker 1 We're hiding in a bedroom with the camera guy.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. Yes.
He's got a mask. He's so excited.

Speaker 1 And you hear through a window. It's like, so I'm a little bit nervous here.
Yeah, that's cool.

Speaker 2 How excited are you when a pedophile is in the house, like a real live pedophile?

Speaker 1 Tense.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's got to be crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you might have a gun. It's real.
True. I didn't even think about that.
But that has happened. It's real.
It's definitely a dangerous thing for sure. But the

Speaker 1 so the first guy comes in and like very quickly,

Speaker 1 she's talking to him for like five minutes. And then, by the way, I don't know why everyone I do these with, they always do this to a pedophile.
She had in the background purposely my special playing.

Speaker 1 And she, and when the guy comes in, he goes, This is Big Jay Okerson. It's like, you know, he is.
And he was like, no.

Speaker 1 And I think someone said fat at one point about it. I was like, right.

Speaker 1 I'm squatting down in the back room, like, right, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Mike Finoyan dealing with me. I'm like, what a dick.

Speaker 1 Guess what's about to happen to you? Yeah. I'm fat.
You're fucking.

Speaker 1 I'm fat. Oh, I'm fat.

Speaker 1 You're just here in the background. Come on, dude.
He goes,

Speaker 1 but nobody else was here.

Speaker 1 As soon as we went out, or the camera guy went out, I was like, oh, and he ran off. Hauled ass immediately as soon as he got on camera.
Second guy came and they had a whole thing with him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, really. That's the ski daddle.
That's the ultimate ski daddle.

Speaker 1 Nope, wrong house.

Speaker 1 But this YouTube channel is having a lot of views.

Speaker 1 The second guy hung in there for a while and talked to them. But that night, I was in Indianapolis.
That night, she came to

Speaker 1 the pedophile hunter girl, Courtie Elizabeth.

Speaker 1 She came to the show, and her and her partner said that that day when they posted the thing, they have moderators who live in Indianapolis, even though she lives in Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 Their moderators live in Indianapolis. And she was like, when they put the video up, the two moderators are brother and sister.

Speaker 1 And they both go, The guy who just ran out right away, the guy who said nothing after the camera came out, he goes, oh, and ran off. They go, that's my cousin.

Speaker 1 And then the other moderator goes, that's my cousin. They're brother and sister.
That's my cousin. And they started realizing,

Speaker 1 like, in that two seconds, dude, it like fucking ripped their whole family apart.

Speaker 1 The guy that left immediately.

Speaker 1 True. Yeah, yeah.
How wild is that? Like, the moderator's cousin happened to be one of the people they caught. You ever see that's the Chris Hanson one when the guy he rides the train with walks in?

Speaker 1 Do you ever see that? He's like, What are you doing here, man?

Speaker 1 What are you doing here? He's so upset with him. Why are you here?

Speaker 2 I see you every day on the train.

Speaker 1 And then I went with the guy, the big guy from Houston, Texas, Alex something, the big beard. You've probably seen him before.
Yeah, I know that guy.

Speaker 1 I went with him before, and we didn't get anybody, but that's where I saw the danger of how it could go because Walmart parking lot. We pulled up next to the guy.
The guy wasn't out of his car yet.

Speaker 1 And the guy fucking

Speaker 1 threw, I mean, 70 miles an hour in a Walmart parking lot, hit a speed bump. I mean, his car like rattled.
Bam, bam, bam. And I was like,

Speaker 1 He got on the highway and like they were like, we're not chasing him onto the highway. Like that's too dangerous at that point.

Speaker 1 But I thought what the most interesting thing so far about it was that of all the things I've with the pedophile hunters was that because

Speaker 1 I'm like that guy was so he didn't know if we were there to kick his ass. He didn't know if we were related to the thing.
He didn't know if we were cops. He didn't know what everything.

Speaker 1 The instinct that guy had at all call, I'm like, if that car would have, if the doors and car would have fallen apart around him when he hit that speed bump, he would have just continued running onto the highway.

Speaker 1 He was just like, I was like, wow, I've never seen somebody really run for their life. That was like a genuine, like, this guy thought his life was over if he doesn't get away from this.

Speaker 1 He was giving it everything he had, which is pretty good. He's going to get shot by a pedophile.
Right, so I don't do him anymore. Yeah, you shouldn't.
Because you couldn't possibly get a shot.

Speaker 1 I'm sure you're going to get shot by a pedophile, which sucks. That's such a shitty way to die.
Shot by a pedophile.

Speaker 2 Died at the hand of a pedophile?

Speaker 1 Shot by a pedophile in a Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot and just bleeding out in front of a fucking target. His dad's against Predators, guys.
This guy's been shot twice now. What?

Speaker 1 And he keeps going, and they're the ones that are aggressive. Like, they keep waiting for it.
They can't wait to punch the guy in the face. I just saw one that was very funny.

Speaker 1 The guy, like, walks down the aisle, and he's like, all right, I knew this was coming. Hey, he's like, I know what you're up to.
I know what I'm up to. Let me talk.

Speaker 1 Oh, there's some aggression.

Speaker 1 He was slow. He was mentally.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's the other. I couldn't do it.
Law and Order SVU last week just did a finally an episode on that.

Speaker 1 Like when you're doing a pedophile sting and you catch a guy who came there to like watch cartoons and hug because he has like Down syndrome.

Speaker 1 And it's like prosecuting him the same way yeah and that is the thing it's like uh

Speaker 1 most of the pedophile hunts like that's what you're getting you're getting a person who would have showed up if you said the the kid was boy girl eight years old or 85 years old they can't believe anyone's responding to him and wants to hang out oh so sad so they do it is a sad thing to see when they catch those people and they got a big fat guy on one of those podcasts

Speaker 1 I think I may have shown it to you because I said the mom sounds like beezer. The mom's died, the mom of the pedophile.

Speaker 1 But they just, right in front of the mom, they make him put on like a 7X shirt that says, I lick ass,

Speaker 1 because it's something he said to the girl.

Speaker 1 This is a fat guy named Jamie, and he just stands there while the guy reads the things in front of his mother.

Speaker 1 And the mother's just such a weird old twat. And she's every time he goes, and then it says,

Speaker 1 I want to suck your little pussy

Speaker 1 until you come and how for the moon. And she's like, Jamie!

Speaker 1 What? Well, that's bullshit. He doesn't, you don't even know how to do that.

Speaker 1 It's so funny. She sounds like Beez, dude.
Dude, she's, I don't know why. She reminds me of like, and it's not sounds like him.
It's just like, it looks like it would be Beezer's mom.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jamie, oh

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 And then they're like, can you not make this a big deal? Because the bitch who runs this apartment complex wants us out already.

Speaker 2 And it's grounds for dismissal. Damn it, Jamie.

Speaker 1 And she's like, and by the way, the whole thing when they're giving like this crime that they committed, it's so funny when like the mother caretakers are always like, well, then that's it.

Speaker 1 You're giving me your phone, young man.

Speaker 2 Grounded.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're giving me your phone. They're like, it's a little bigger than that.

Speaker 1 And I show, I think I showed you the midget guy before, who they catch four times.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. Eventually.
A midget file.

Speaker 1 Eventually, the cops. Eventually, the cops on the fourth video get mad at the guy who's stinging them and

Speaker 1 he goes like they're like, hey, leave this guy alone. He shows up every time because he can't believe again.
And he's so dumb the first time they showed up at his house.

Speaker 1 By the way, all of his things are like, I love you. He's already saying, I love you.
He's like a retarded midget guy. And he's saying, I love you a bunch to this like fake girl.

Speaker 1 And then they ask him, he goes, you know, the fake girl's like, what were we doing today? He goes, just playing basketball. And like, he writes, and she goes, she goes, oh, yeah.
Are you really tall?

Speaker 1 He's like, you know, it's like 4 or 11. I could dunk, though.
And she's like, she goes, really? He's like, yeah, it's pretty easy.

Speaker 1 He's a tall guy who holds you up. Yeah, he's in my waist.
He's just a retarded guy. And every time the cops show up, he's like, No!

Speaker 1 He just starts running around like crazy. Yeah, and he runs around like crazy.
And then the neighbor will always come over and be like, Just can you leave?

Speaker 1 Like, I'd say I kind of look after him a little bit, like, guys, this is not a real problem. You're having a guy

Speaker 1 special needs,

Speaker 1 little person over and over again. And the guy was so retarded, a helicopter

Speaker 1 over and over again. They show

Speaker 1 when he leaves,

Speaker 1 he runs around like the little guys in Halo. He does.

Speaker 1 He does. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 He never quite gets it. As soon as they leave the first time, the same night,

Speaker 1 they just, to see if they can, they just message him back and they go, they go, sorry about that. That was my uncle.
That was my uncle. He gets really pissed off.
And he was like,

Speaker 1 that was weird. And then she was like, yeah, but it's okay.
He's going back to. I think she says he's going back to England tomorrow.
And he's clearly just an American guy. He goes, it's okay.

Speaker 1 He's going back to England tomorrow. He goes,

Speaker 1 okay, Okay, well, I mean, I still love you. Like, am I going to get to see you? And then they just do it again.
The fourth time they catch him at a car dealership and he's getting out of his car.

Speaker 1 He gets kicking out of his car. And he goes, Are you a? And he goes, they go, hey, Jason.
And he still doesn't recognize him. He's still retarded.
He goes, he goes, oh, hey.

Speaker 1 And he goes, and he goes, what are you here for? He goes, get a car. He goes, do you would you like to get a 13-year-old car? And he goes, what? He goes, are you here for a 13-year-old? He goes, no.

Speaker 1 He goes like running for his life into the thing. He's like, Get out of here.
Get out of here.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's the one where the cops show up and they go, Yo, stop. It's like, that's fucking blocked his number.
What are you doing? Like, leave this guy alone.

Speaker 1 He's never gotten any pussy, kid or otherwise.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's entrapment.

Speaker 1 Leave the man alone. It's really fucking.

Speaker 2 They should have a clause. Like, they should amend the law.
I'm like, if you are,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 an R-rated Midge,

Speaker 1 they should just go, that's up to the parents' discretion. I mean, it's really.

Speaker 2 I mean, good high school sweetheart.

Speaker 1 You should be allowed to allow it.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Get him out of here. Bust him at prom 10 times.

Speaker 1 Taking the prom picture. And we got him.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Now we're just fucking with you. Get out there and dance again.

Speaker 2 They're giving a remake. Remember Carrie?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's a new Carrie. It's his revenge.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he goes. Luckily, that midget has telekinesis.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's they're all. I mean, there was the famous one is the Chris Hanson, where's the guy that started eating pizza? Yeah, just

Speaker 1 one of the best ones ever. He goes, you want a slice? No, it's cool.
He's scarfing there. He doesn't even care.
He's changed his name and moved. That's what he did.

Speaker 2 That must have been the craziest acid reflux, just getting like, getting caught as a pedophile and crushing like half a zaw.

Speaker 1 And that was the grease pepperoni, too.

Speaker 1 He was folding him, too. He was folding him.

Speaker 1 I've never seen someone grub that. When you slip grub, like it was while getting in trouble, he hit a fucking hard grub set.
It's because he thought it was going to make him look more natural. He did.

Speaker 1 He did. It really did.
He goes, hmm. He goes, I guess

Speaker 1 I'm a pervert.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And they're like, did you say this?

Speaker 1 He goes,

Speaker 1 when he's chilling, he's like,

Speaker 1 you got the text?

Speaker 1 He's like, oh, shit, you have the transcripts.

Speaker 1 There's also those great compilations of Chris Hansen doing, like, the,

Speaker 1 I may have told you this before, like, the, I like his first line when he tries to play off what they say is always the best. The guy's like, it's like, where are you at?

Speaker 1 And then the girl will be like, I'm upstairs. I'll be down in a second.
He's like, I can't wait to kiss you. Like, would you like to kiss me, Frank?

Speaker 1 He comes up.

Speaker 1 Clear, there's a cloth in the hallway that he opens. You go, oh, there's, you know, that's normal.
Would you like to? He goes, don't mind that. That's Video Village back there.

Speaker 1 We've talked about it before, but when they get Indian guys,

Speaker 1 it's the best. Just a foreigner that's just like,

Speaker 2 what's the problem? They should be like, my parents arranged this. I would die.
I'd be like, my parents set this up. That wasn't me.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 An Indian guy is the one.

Speaker 1 An Indian guy is the one who got naked right away when he came in. Yeah.
Like fully naked and just started walking around.

Speaker 1 And then the other one was the kid who got caught twice in like the back-to-back days. And the second time they pull up on him, they go, They go, What are you doing, man? He goes, oops

Speaker 1 getting gone back-to-back days like going there you go all right back to the drawing board there's no way

Speaker 1 now we know what to look for

Speaker 1 did you there's a so it's funny and i know they're trying to get more of like a police involved thing like catch a predator was like an official with police they're working with and there's i guess another one called underage undercover on

Speaker 1 It's like Discovery or something. Max had it.
They did two seasons of it. And what's funny about that is going on the ones that I've gone on,

Speaker 1 how fast they'd be like, all right, well, it's 3.15. He said he was coming at three.
This guy's flaking. He's not answering anymore.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, with that stinghouse, he were like, all right, well, it was nice to meet you guys. We're going to take off.
And they go, no, no, no. Hang on.
I mean, I'm not kidding. Go on.

Speaker 1 Hey, my parents are gone. Could you come over?

Speaker 1 Can you be here in 15 minutes? I'll be right over. I mean, to catch a person willing to fuck a 13, 14 year old.
Yeah, that's wild. So they will, though.
There's no loss of like getting them at all.

Speaker 1 But this, but again, I don't know how much outside of like court of public opinion and ruining your personal life, doesn't really end up in a lot of like arrests and stuff. But it's like,

Speaker 1 to get the arrest, what they have to do, that's why I found it so funny that they can just go, hey, I'm 14 and I have a vagina. Who wants to fuck? And like people will start coming.

Speaker 1 The underage undercover, they over do it. So it's like a whole house they've rented and each room's like decorated to a different girl character.
And they have the things with fake braces.

Speaker 1 So, like, you see them like working through each other. Like, she's like, okay, so

Speaker 1 I'm supposed to watch him masturbate at like four o'clock today. So, like, so they'll go, you know, put on like the pigtails and little girl things in Sit Indian style.

Speaker 1 And then holding like another girl's hand off camera who's going like, sorry, you're doing so good. And she's like, it's great.
Then you just hear the guy like, y'all, y'all.

Speaker 1 Wait, they go for it?

Speaker 1 So let the pedophiles do it. That's almost my point is that, like, I don't think you have to get this much information.
Yes.

Speaker 1 They go, okay, by the way, after like four masturbation sessions and talking on the phone every day to him and going through all this thing, they'll be like, okay,

Speaker 1 we think we know what state he lives in. Like, they're trying to, like, it's like each season's like to get like one little piece of information about a guy.

Speaker 1 It's like, how come every other person can just go,

Speaker 1 when you're looking the fuck, I'm 12, and someone goes, oh, the fuck a 12-year-old. I don't care.
I'll come over. You're going to jail.
It's like non-stop things. Like,

Speaker 1 it's too hard. You got to let him finish.
it's like the southpark episode where he's like i'm going undercover as a prostitute wow daddy that sure was allowed to come

Speaker 1 freeze freeze the best damn is if they're recording them jerk and just sit through it and be like damn right and like the girl off camera

Speaker 1 off camera's like holding her hand going like you're being so strong right now you're being and then it's like by the way also whenever a guy goes starts jerking off you're pretending you're a kid you could be like so my parents are calling i'm so sorry i have to go they just go like they let him finish and they're like i like it

Speaker 1 Like, there's no reason to get if the guy keeps undercover for what they're doing.

Speaker 1 You got him. If I'm the sexting sexual, if I'm the pedophile, I'm going back to that house.
And I'm by the fourth time, it's like, no, I knew she was 20. Yeah.
Yeah, this is a show.

Speaker 1 This has been great. I've been checking it off.
This is so great if you catch one of the people you know is that show under age undercover. He goes, I thought we were just doing a little role player.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was working around. Obviously, she's 20.
Yeah, here's her IMDb.

Speaker 1 She's so excited.

Speaker 2 Just give Chris Hansen a big kiss. Be like, this is all for you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I came here to meet you.

Speaker 2 I was trying to work my way up. That's a good move.

Speaker 1 You keep going to kids' houses and be like, where's Chris Hansen? We're just trying to meet Chris Hansen.

Speaker 2 That's what you do. You walk in and be like, all right, I know.
I was fucking around. Where's Chris? Is he here? Yeah.
That way he comes out. I'm like, oh, I knew you were here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're giving you guys any pedophiles out there. We're giving you some nice hacks.

Speaker 2 We should do a million dollars worth of game for pedophiles.

Speaker 1 Guys who knew guys in the 90s came.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 allegedly. Spotify, allegedly.

Speaker 1 Everything in the 90s, though, people would find like their thing and then just kind of stick with that. Like Mari Povich's show, what used to be like, you were my school bully.
Look at me now.

Speaker 1 And this and that.

Speaker 1 And it was like, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Really? Look at me now.
What do you think? By the way, that was the best when those bullies. I was fucking gay.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 dude, those bullies would go, especially with a girl. It's like she was a fat girl in school.
It goes, now she's like a bikini model. It's like, look what I goes.
Remember how mean you were to me?

Speaker 1 And it's like, seems to have affected you. And you really made some positive life changes.
You're welcome. Yeah.
Like, this really

Speaker 1 can we get this over with and kiss.

Speaker 1 You still want to fuck me clearly, even though you had me flown here.

Speaker 1 But Mari Povich figured out like the paternity test for the whole thing. Jerry Springer realized cheating and fights were the whole thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And Chris Hansen, Chris Hansen was just like dateline NBC. Like, here's a story about a small-town murder or corruption in politics.
And then it was like, nope, he's the pedophile guy. He's the guy.

Speaker 1 And now he gets to curse. He loves it.
The ones online, the true blue ones, he loves it because he gets to to read. Now he gets to really read the, what you said here.
You wanted to suck her ass.

Speaker 1 It's a,

Speaker 1 yeah, he goes,

Speaker 1 yeah. But I mean, sucking ass.
That means like, I mean, like, you know, like a couple of people.

Speaker 2 I think it was a later season. He hit one guy.
He was like, BBC and BBCP. That's a bareback cream pie.

Speaker 1 And I was like, damn, Chris. Damn, dude.
The smoothest one he ever did was the guy who was washing his hands for the girl. Like the little wigger dude was like washing his hands.

Speaker 1 And then Chris Hansen just walks up next to him and starts ripping off off slices of paper towels to hand him. And the guy, he's washed his hands and he looks over and

Speaker 1 he takes the paper towel. He's like, Thank you.
And he just tries to having his nut really. He goes, Oh, thanks.

Speaker 1 He really makes it look. He goes, He goes, You're here for the young pussy, too?

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't realize this was a party.

Speaker 1 I happened a couple times on Catch a Predator when the people come out and they go, Oh, I thought it was just me and her. Like, she's on the two dudes.
Oh, my God. Oh,

Speaker 1 oh, I call pussy, dude. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Catching two and making them fight for the survival of this.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Winner leaves. Loser goes to jail.

Speaker 1 These are things people want.

Speaker 2 You still catch the guy. We're just kidding.
If you want to see you guys fight, you're both going to jail.

Speaker 1 Wow, wow. Jay, when's your special coming out? Special is coming out February 20th, so Thursday.
When is this going to be out? Is it out already? It should be out

Speaker 1 tomorrow or Wednesday. Yeah, it should be out on Tuesday.
Actually, we could wait a week if you want. It's up to you guys, whatever your schedule is.

Speaker 1 Whatever Whatever's going to be out. Yeah.
Double Crowdwork album, them, they, first half, them coming out February 20th, and then a month later. Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 I think we're premiering the second part at a Moontower. Where'd you film it? Denver Comedy Works.
Oh, fuck you. That's great.
That's great. Yeah, that's going to be awesome.
Any rumors going forward?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I hope so, man. I don't watch anything or edit anything.

Speaker 1 That's one way to do it. Yeah.
I turn it over to other people. Yeah.
And I go, hey, you guys. Well, I always figure, too, I'm like, well, you guys will know what you're laughing at.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like me, I'm going to go, oh i'm gonna look at i go yeah that was pretty funny but like why am i built like that

Speaker 1 those are the questions i always answer i am selfishly like let's just get rid of that entire camera that angle because i looked like

Speaker 1 i look like a blimp let's just do head-on from above the entire special yeah could we get a single camera shot and never the side they were one of them on my first ever The hour special live at Webster Hall I did, I didn't put any input into that.

Speaker 1 And I mean, they had a camera that seems like the job of the camera was to shoot me low from diagonal behind and swing around to the front of me

Speaker 1 to really give you my entire way too long across profile. Perfect.
It's like, oh, you know what?

Speaker 1 Shoulder to shoulder, this guy doesn't look that bad. And then you start turning around and goes, oh my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, there's too much happening in the front.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a disaster. It's a crazy thing.
I chose to sit like a dummy. And I never think,

Speaker 1 every time I go, I go, and remember when you sit, especially on like a taping like back straight like sit on the stool but like have like your back straight and then it's like how many seconds later before you're just like so

Speaker 1 is this your girlfriend

Speaker 1 yeah i think about it the whole time i'm on stage because i slouch like crazy yeah and i'm just

Speaker 1 and then if they watch you make the shoulders back moved like someone's been talking to them yeah

Speaker 1 i do it the whole show because it's now i'm doing the round

Speaker 1 so it's like the half the audience, the whole audience is seeing my hunched over back and the weird thing I do with my hand behind my back, which I never thought anyone was going to see.

Speaker 1 The whole time I'm going like this behind, like it's really fucked up. It sounds like I'm being conversational, but you can tell I'm obviously like internally like, you know, fucking damned.

Speaker 1 I just feel like that behind me. I had somebody DM me, like, what were you doing hand signals? I wanted to know what the hand signals meant.
I was like, no, it's just.

Speaker 1 Dude, I just done a couple of these arenas with you now. And so they've all been great.
And I sit on a stool, which maybe

Speaker 1 I have to consider not doing. It's,

Speaker 1 well, it's just more of the, I like it. It's been good.
I think it's fine. And it's worked well at the time.
It's worked well all of them. But the last one we did was Seattle, I think, I was with you.

Speaker 1 That was the only time I was like, I just chose a side and went with it. And then...

Speaker 1 towards the end, like the last like five or six minutes of it, every time there was like a down moment, like in my own speaking, you go, guys, you know what's crazier? Turn around, like a guy.

Speaker 1 But then you're like, I'm not doing it for him. We just want to do it for the one guy.
Turn around.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you lose all control if you're like, yes, sir, and you spun around. Yeah, you lose your sword.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 they're all aware I can hear each individual comment.

Speaker 1 Change your pants. The whole thing sucks.

Speaker 1 Ah, this sucks. Fuck you.

Speaker 1 It sucks. In those areas, you can hear every single person.
Also, so many people. So someone's going to be like, fuck you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Turning around to be like, what did you say? Sitting back down. Yeah, that would hurt.
I was talking to you.

Speaker 1 What's that?

Speaker 1 Okay, I thought so. You're just dad in the back of the car and just like, knock it off.
Excuse me? Shut up back then. Okay.

Speaker 1 Last night I was talking to the Are You Garbage guys about it. And

Speaker 1 they were talking about a thing they don't like doing. And I was like, yeah, I mean, I thought I was like, I'm done with Trump.
I'm going to stop doing Trump.

Speaker 1 First show I did one minute in, a a guy was like, do Trump right now. I was like, all right, I guess I'm doing Trump for the rest of my fucking career.
Yeah, they yell out. You can hear them.

Speaker 1 Are you sick of doing it? Trump? No.

Speaker 1 I love doing it. Yeah, the material

Speaker 1 keeps coming. Yeah.
Yeah, I got a, well, this will be out

Speaker 1 hopefully by the time SNL gets announced. So I'm going to host SNL.
And in my head, it's like, I don't know what to say for my monologue. Like, I'm already like, oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Cause they, they tell you you're hosting pretty quick. You have like two weeks.
You're like, oh, fuck, what am I going to say?

Speaker 1 And I was like, I fucking Trump will say something. He'll say something that week.
He's going to work on him. Just fucking make fun of that.
He's going to do something next week.

Speaker 1 Do you have to walk a line at all, like not making fun of him too much?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I don't like doing that. I think that sucks.
Well, it's just also obvious.

Speaker 1 I think when comedians go out there and just...

Speaker 1 Every single comedian on earth is like, fuck Trump.

Speaker 1 But not even like that, but I mean, like, do you think he sees like,

Speaker 1 no, but I'm saying, like, does he see it as like an homage? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it's all how people take it.

Speaker 1 Some people say, like, you're making fun of him just by doing the impression. Other people are like, you're doing a great impression of him.
So it's such a funny thing.

Speaker 2 Like, what do you think he thinks? That's a good question.

Speaker 1 Like, I wonder if he saw it, if his initial reaction would be, like,

Speaker 1 I guarantee he would not like it. He wouldn't like it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He might get amused like a Roman senator would.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe. I don't know.
I don't know. I've never seen him him react to anyone doing an impression of him.

Speaker 1 That's true. I don't think anyone responds really well to that.

Speaker 1 If somebody does any impression, well, I have. Yeah, it's not your favorite thing.
I didn't know that.

Speaker 1 The first time

Speaker 1 when we had Everlast on Bonfire a couple years back,

Speaker 1 Burt Kreiser was in the studio with us. It was me and Dan still on the show.
And I was like, oh, you know, it'd be really funny.

Speaker 1 I go, when Everlast gets here, let's go around the room and everybody do your impression of, what's the girl's name? It was like, somebody got pregnant from a goddamn time

Speaker 1 and then uh when burt came in he was like oh dude i wouldn't do that i was like why he goes just musicians take themselves really seriously like he won't think it's funny he's gonna be weird about it and like and he was almost gonna be burnt was giving me like a read the room thing he's like so like just i wouldn't do it and got me in my own head where i was like yeah i'm not i won't even bring it up and then when Everlast came in after talking to him for a little bit.

Speaker 1 He was very cool.

Speaker 1 And I was like, hey, we have a guitar man here if you want to play a song or anything and burt goes oh oh if you play a song i swear to god i'll get butt naked right now and i was like yeah brilliant i'm like burt you told me to read the room on that he doesn't want to hear impression himself but you think one of the

Speaker 1 one of the top uh mount rushmore of wiggers wants his payment for doing something he already doesn't want to do to be a man gets naked in the room you read the room burt

Speaker 1 he's like oh i'll get naked if you do hey dude great news i'll get naked if you do something

Speaker 1 you're

Speaker 1 You're probably cool with the nudity of men, right?

Speaker 1 That's so funny. Hey, you grew up in a culture that's pretty fucking awesome with gay shit.

Speaker 1 That's such a funny move. I'll get totally naked.
But the fact that he had the sense, it's the outward. Like, he knew he's like, yeah, that would not be a good thing.

Speaker 1 Like, he needs somebody to go, Bert. I don't think Everlast wants to see you naked

Speaker 1 as a reward, punishment, or otherwise.

Speaker 1 Just the idea idea of that, like, it's a girl saying, I'll show your tip. And I know exactly how Bert said it, too.
Like, they're like, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah.
But, hey, here, here's a deal.

Speaker 1 If you do the thing we're asking, I will do something that no one's asked for.

Speaker 1 I love that thing. Foreverlasts is so funny.
Foreverlasts, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 2 What happened? Did he get naked?

Speaker 1 No, and Everlast didn't play a song. I mean, I didn't even pursue the question of is he'll play a song more because when Bert made that offer, I was like,

Speaker 1 I don't have to go, hey, we'd still like you to play a song. Like, I promise that won't happen.
It was more like, Well, Everless, thanks for hanging out and uh being here.

Speaker 1 Oh, man,

Speaker 1 I gotta show you that episode of Tires. What? Your episode? Oh, yeah, I should have it.
We're gonna watch it here in a second. Hell yeah.
You want to wrap it up? Let's do it. Goodbye, everybody.

Speaker 1 Thanks for watching that episode. Yeah, hell yeah.