Ep 549 - White Elmo (feat. Big Jay Oakerson)

The water does smell a certain way.

What, the bidet?

You've got a certain smell, yeah.

I haven't tried one yet, but I have...

Hey, you haven't tried it yet?

Hey.

Haven't tried one yet, but I have...

I can't use...

Rogan's studio has them.

Rogan's studio has them.

They have the heated toilet seats and shit.

Yeah, the ones I got have that.

So nice.

But I've never used it, and I'm still nervous,

because the place I got, I can't use wipes.

You can't put them in the septic tank. Yeah.
So like I got bidets, but still nervous. Why? Everyone says it's great.
It's the best. You never used one? Well, I haven't moved in yet.
Oh. Never used one ever now.
Damn, that's crazy. But also the places they tell me they have.
They had Gas Digital at them. I know.
That was the first place I ever used them. When people say that, that's always the funniest thing to me.
They go, dude, they have it at KS Digit. You haven't used it at KS Digit.

You're like, no, I've never shit right next to the studio.

No, I've shit in there like 10 times.

Well, it was always because you do real-ass podcasts.

It's at 11 a.m.

Sure.

For me, that's early.

I wake up at like 9.

And I'm always late.

So you got to get that morning dump when you get to the studio.

And then bidet.

And then you go, I've never tried this.

What's this button, dude? It's called actually at the Mothership. clutch at the mothership god and was it awesome you can't believe the accuracy so why don't you it does start every time no matter what i go oh when it first gets me i jump a little and go oh it's a nice treat bobby kelly described it he goes you're waiting for which i understand what he's saying you're lining it up with the remote control until you hear like to go from like when your asshole starts accepting it.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's pretty nice. Listen, I'm excited to try it.
I just, I don't, I still don't fully get it. It's just water.
I see the concept, but how could it be strong enough that you're really getting that clean? Oh, it's strong, bro. seven feet in the air really yeah i would say about official gauge about a super circle 50 yeah oh 25 25 25 25 my bad i'd say 25 50 come on man trying to catch a lawsuit Yeah, 25.
50 is crazy. Yeah, I'd say the yellow and green one.

Yeah, true.

The basic one.

Yeah, Toys R Us basic. But no, it hits you, man.
I would advise you to start cold. Warm's kind of indulgent.
Warm's borderline sexual. Warm's sexual.
Warm water hitting you is like, you might as well fap. It's kind of sexual.
So start cold. Matt, you couldn't be closer to the truth.

It's real sexual.

I don't know if I would choose cold water to go up there if there's a warm water option.

You're getting more warm, bro.

Everyone ends up warm anyway.

Everyone goes warm.

I don't know why that's making me cry.

It's very funny.

I think on the, yeah, I'm still a white sky on the road.

I just can't believe that most of the time, just paper for you.

Just raw dog, yeah. I did that for a very long time until enough people were just like, what are you doing? Yeah, I get the wipes and they're eating peanut butter around your ass.
They tell you it'll fuck your shit up. But only if you have, well, here's a couple things going on.
There was no signs here when you moved in? No. That said don't put wipes in the toilet? Fire away, dude.
Also, I run run through those things and then just don't go back to the store. Wow.
So I'll get like once a month old. And then LaMare had a pack in the back.
He was plowing through. Is your lady not a good house organizer, to sense? No, not one bit.
One thing I bet Christine, I got to give her always, is you just go, run low on wipes, and then like an Amazon thing of 20 packs of wipes show up. Awesome.
Yeah. We have the, uh, that can work against me though.
Cause I'm like, yeah, we need to get garlic powder. Did you add it to the grocery list? And I'm like, shut the fuck up.
You do the fucking grocery list. I mean, it is a great system.
Yeah. Don't come in here with girlfriend bragging like that.
Do not make me make fun of my girlfriend. It was more assistant.
It was more of the assistant skills. skills that was a girlfriend brag and now i had to put my girlfriend down with her lack of skills skills it's third yeah you you get my baby didn't have those house skills it took a while yeah you had to learn how to use like different parts of the iphone notes the notes app a lot to that thing man i take notes take notes sometimes do you really gardini says something funny when he's drunk i write it down and then send it to him the next morning and go remember when you said this someday everyone will know i'm right it's 2 30 in the morning on a thursday that's a gardini guarantee that is a good guarantee you know it's a fun thing you ever go I've written several things I don't do it in years which is why it's still sort of fun because they're from so long ago but my phone notes when I had intentions of like oh yeah like this is a funny concept I got it and whatever the keywords you write those you see a thing it's like yeah it's a gay pizza yeah what the fuck does that even mean like I thought those keywords would drive me to like when i got back home like all right now what was my thing with gay pizza yeah before the show you're like fuck i don't have any material let's go back into the ah gay pizza gay pizza yeah shit it sounds as bad as when somebody walks up to you and does like the you you know, if someone else would use gay pizza,

can you do something with that?

Exactly.

I got a premise for you.

Gay pizza.

Yeah, I always think I'm like,

I'm going to go back there one day and there's going to be something I wrote a long time ago

and I'm going to go, oh my God, this is genius.

And I just look at it.

I'm like, I'm a fucking dumbass.

I'm one of the dumbest people.

Most of it repeats seven times.

I'm like, yeah, I've wrote this down five times.

I still don't know what it is. Rape, sometimes fun, question mark? Oh, 3.30 in the morning on a Wednesday.
Yeah. Good work.
Good work, 2019 Shane. Good job.
But yeah, they're never fucking. There's never something where I feel like I could go back and go, yeah let me expound upon that never once nope nope nope nope never i although i have lost some great ones man right before bed i go i'll definitely remember that and i wake up and go oh it was so good nothing it would have changed everything yeah long drive in a car say it over over to myself three or four times.
And then like you get next day. Exactly.
You're like, I was something about something. Yeah.
Long drive in a car. I go, this is going to be good.
I'm going to get some material out of this. Just rap.
Three straight hours. I didn't have one thought the entire drive.
We got the premise. It was in rap.
Yeah. Dude, I started smoking weed again in hopes of like, it'll jar up some new ideas.
It's the same thing. I just got, like, confused in the grocery store, and I was just like, this is not.
We both had nice groceries. We did.
We both had a Whole Foods desk. Same time.
Yeah. Dude, I was getting let out personally.
I got very high and listened to Led Zeppelin in the grocery store, and it was. I mean, Led Zeppelin was way better than I remembered it.
I was like, I think I'm over this. I'm almost 40 now.
That was, like, stuff when I was a kid. Dude, I was listening to Led Zeppelin, way better than i remembered it i was like i think i'm over this i'm almost 40 now that was like stuff when i was a kid dude i was listening to led zeppelin too i was like this is might be the greatest song of all time you put me back on you were like i let the lead out i said i gotta let it's been a while you got it out dude it was crazy i rocks i for real i am not lying i was walking towards the cheese aisle the grocery store and at one point like they hit the drums i almost went and like kicked i was up i was playing dude i was up on stage i almost fucking kicked and signaled the drummer yeah my whole foods experience was much like my experience at the mall i literally i was like i'm gonna go to the grocery store i got there i was like i don't even know what i want i don't even want it i got chicken and bacon and eggs and left well that is why i spent thirty dollars and yeah do you scan aisle? You start produce? Dude, I walked around for a long time.
It's a big thing. If you could smoke weed and go to the store, you start thinking ahead more.
Yeah, you're planning ahead. Yeah, true.
You're like, I'm definitely going to want fluff at some point. I'm going to want a fluff or not.
I never ever, but like, you should have it. I did it just every aisle four times.
I just walked. I do like the outskirts usually, then I just started hitting every aisle while I was jamming and then like, I'd be like, oh yeah, I'm going to need an onion.
I'd go all the way back to the other side, get an onion. You're going to need that onion.
Taco night's going to be sick. The things I end up like hoarding because I don't realize we have them.
You buy them too much. Probably have four different kinds of pickles in my refrigerator.
No meat, but four different jars of pickles that have been opened at different times. You need stackers and you need spears.
But after that, you start just getting gluttonous. Fuck, I forgot the spears.
I forgot the spears the dill spears i gotta head back to the store hey bitch are these bread and butter chips because i said pickles i dude i i will say i think i i don't think it's any good but i i just smoked weed all weekend being like i gotta come up with something funny and then i went i actually went to a gala last weekend it was britney planned it months and months ago. And I got very high and went to that.
And it was the only thing I keep – people are talking about school. Like, yeah, I started school in September, but I was, like, held back because I wanted to be the older person in the class.
And I got – These are adults saying this? Yeah, we were just talking about, like, getting, like, if you got held back. And I was like – I just, like, muttered to Brittany.
I was like, I got held back in the fourth grade because my dick was too big. I laughed for 30 minutes.
Write it down. Dick too big for fourth grade.
Notes. That'll come in handy in eight months.
She's like, why would you get held back if your dick's too big? What's a gala? I was like, dude, you're ruining it, dude. It's just funny.
She's like, I got held back too. Why? Because my dick too big.
Yeah. What's a gala? It's like a party.
It's just a thing where you get dressed up and then they just make people. They like ask people for money, basically.
So it was like there. It was a it was like a domestic violence thing.
And then they had cowboys come out and be like, what? Those guys, the auctioneer guys. Yes.
Anti. You remember those? Anti was not they almost got us really the longhorn the texas longhorns thing and they did the auctioneers 10 i was like you can bid first on one of these you can and he was like 50 grand and then no one was bidding for like a minute and i was sitting next to him like oh shit what yeah i was

like i'll pay for it if you can bid you gotta start low fifty thousand dollars no and people

were it starts at like two and that's that's the move to raise your hand for the very first

knowing it's going on hundred bucks one dollar yeah dude they got was it on will you it was

like a vacation with a coach coach sarkeesian to a cabin yeah it was like a vacation with a coach. Coach vacation.
Coach Sarkisian to a cabin. Yeah, it was like a boy's vacation in the cabin.
With an adult man you don't know. Coach Sark.
Well, there'll be like a 32-person trip to Orlando. Just LaMare.
Just LaMare. Dude, what they did on it, it was actually kind of sick.
So they had this trip. They had the bid up to $ to 15 000 bucks and they had four people and they went you you you you all get it right away and they all had to get one for 15 grand i was like oh that hurts yeah it was exciting the cowboy bidders were excited it was nice that was fun yeah but trying not to laugh for a half an at the gala oh i told britney i said bro not a how much was she trying to raise that hand? I told her before we went in, and three times I saw her elbow move, and I said, I will fucking storm out.
I want that. I will.
It's just like. We could have that.
It is. It's kind of a girl trap, because it's like they pop confetti on you, and it's like, you know, the pricing makes no sense.
It's perfect for them. Yeah.
Like $30,000? Yes. It's like, you know, I was, what are the objects? The objects, they were like pretty intense vacations and they will be like the sleeps, like 18 people.
So I guess you could try to get people in on it, but just, it was vacations. Um, what else was it? It was like trips.
There was a quail hunting trip or dove hunting trip in South Africa. You could go shoot birds in South Africa.

God bless the person who like goes like figures out a vacation package in a moment of someone

going like, all right, Turks and Caicos.

Got a nice little cabana on the beach.

$50,000.

Honey, you want to go to Turks and Caicos?

Yes, yes, then me.

Let's get 20 of our friends.

You have to sort that out so much before you raise your hand. Dude, it was intense.
Everybody I know will go to that. When I say.
We can go to Turks and Caicos definitely on this date. It was more the elders.
The older people were snagging all these crazy things. Oh, they got to do everything before they die.
Yeah, they were definitely hitting them up. But it was the, I will say Gala Energy, a lot of the dudes there it like struck me as like guys who are like expecting blowjobs at any minute just like the face they were they're sitting there like like they knew they're getting their dick sucked that night yeah everyone's dressed up exactly your penis is gonna be in a mouth it was a lot of prehead energy that was the one thing and.
And it was, you know, it's not good nor bad. I was just saying like, fuck, man.
Sexual energy. Very sexual.
Everyone's laughing, drinking, spending money. I mean, if you.
The trophy wives and like prostitutes. Yes, pretty much.
And if you can get like, you know, if you get women in a dress, that is step one. Yeah.
This is fancy. Yeah.
That is kind of step one to kind of possibly getting hit it's valentine's day bringing your wife makes sense bringing uh your girlfriend but bring as the stuff people bring escorts to when escorts are doing the actual job they say they're doing when yeah you heard about you know it's like well you're paying me for my time whatever happens it's like we can go to dinners you're like yeah i used to drive you a hand i used used to drive them and i'll tell you what they weren't going to any galas they were going in the front of a house i thought was abandoned to get fucked by a guy whose arm is always broke or has polio you used to drive hookers oh yeah this episode is brought to you by call of duty calling all call of duty fans verdansk is back in call of duty warzone starting on april 3rd you'll be able to drop back into verdansk experience all the chaos and relive the thrill you've been missing not only will you get the classic battle royale experience we all know and love but verdansk is back with upgraded graphics and gameplay that's right you'll be experiencing verdansk like never before smoother visuals, and new mechanics. Whether you're dropping in solo or teaming up with your squad, it's time to come home to Verdansk.
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This episode is brought to you by Max. The Emmy award-winning series Hacks returns this April.
The new season follows Debra Vance making a move from her Vegas residency to Hollywood showbiz. Tensions rise as Debra and Ava try to get their late-night show off the ground and make history while doing it.
Starring Gene Smart and Hannah Einbinder. Hacks Season 4 is streaming Thursday, April 10th exclusively on Max.
And don't forget to check out the official Hacks podcast on Spotify. Yeah, that was a wacky job.
What does that make you in the pimp hierarchy where you're like a, you're a wheel man. Wheel man, just, technically they're protecting them.
Protecting them in the, like the strippers, they were all like strippers and prostitutes for the most part. But the strippers was a scarier job because you have to go in and make sure everything's kind of okay.
Oh, you did the bachelor party guy who went in and counted the money? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The prostitutes were easy.
You just drive up out front and they go in and they'll be like, if all goes great, it's supposed to be there for like an hour. They're like, I should be out in 15 minutes.
And they usually would. But the one time drove someone outside of pennsylvania someone out it was outside of philly i drove a girl one time like we picked her like this is also the thing you get to see like the this is not like this guy's definitely not gonna be happy you know when you're driving someone out i picked him up and i was like unless this guy there's no way this guy picked her this is like before like internet was everything so you weren going on like a yellow pages call or like I guess you had the rhino in the car do you guys ever get caught in sex traffic I don't know if it were bumping a bumper that would be sex traffic sex traffic we, I drove this girl.

I knew she was like, I'm like, this guy is not going to like her.

She was like, we drove this nice neighborhood.

And this girl was like gothed out.

Like big, heavy set chick.

Real milky skin.

It was just a look that I'm certain the guy who lives here was not going for.

And she goes.

Are you sure you weren't trying to hog being like, this guy's not going to be in you.

You should actually just pull over. Let me get you away from all this.
Yeah, that's what I did when I was catering. You're going to take one of the parms.
You know what I mean? If I'm driving a hooker, I'm going to go, come on. I'm going to kiss.
One kiss. They're never going to know.
Give me a little smidge. Well, the first guy I ever drove, well, I'll go back to that in a second.
But this girl, she went inside went to the guy's house and I'm just waiting in the car and then she comes back like three minutes later and she goes he said that I'm not what he was expecting and he sent me whatever so I was like I saw coming and she goes and now no matter what the guy's got to pay X amount for me for the drive, whatever it was, like, 25 bucks.

That meant the world to me at the time, for sure.

And so she was like, he's not.

She goes, I was like, oh.

I was like, so he just gave you, like, the cancel money or whatever?

And she was like, no, he wouldn't give me any money at all.

And I was like, shit.

And I just got to hedge the bets.

You know, I'm like, what does this asshole look like?

Because you're waiting to hear, like, hey, so I can go find him. But, like, I'm i'm really just asking i'm like is this worth 25 bucks for me to go knock on this guy's door and uh she was like he's like this little like nerdy whatever guy so i was like oh good good so i go i knock on the door and i was like and she kind of came with me which i didn't think was a good idea and uh he opens the door you know with kind of like i don't want like trouble thing and i was like i was like no i'm just kind of like you have to you're supposed to give like 50 bucks i guess like 25 for each of us or something like that and he was like uh he's like oh well i don't he was basically a dick he was like i don't have the money and i'm like why do you got to give it and then she just busts the door open and started like unhooking his vcr and she's like.
Well, I'm taking something with me or something like that. Like I got her not to do that ultimately.
But like she was planning on walking out there with something. And then having to drive a rejected hooker home is such a hilarious like conversation.
Yeah. She's like, actually, I probably went in there with a bad attitude because I didn't want to fuck him.
I'm like, sure. Yeah.
Yeah, sweetheart. You got it.
I'm glad I didn't get his VCR. I didn't even fucking want it, dude.
The first girl I ever drove, I remember being like impressed by her because she was just pretty one. It'd be funny if you're like 12 and this is just your paper route.
I was like, I was 18. I was like.
Damn. 18 or 19.
I only did this for a very short amount of time How did you get this gig? My friend Ernie Was dating a girl Whose dad was just like Probably like weird connected shit Or something like that And it was like They had a guy Who like Just ran strippers It was supposed to just be strippers ultimately And like Yeah yeah you just go there And whatever i found out very quick because the guy was like all the other drivers for this company were like old men i remember asking the guy one time like how the fuck yeah it's like am i the only and i feel like i'm in danger a lot and he was like well he goes they have guns like you don't have a gun and i was like no and he was like do you want one and i was like no and he's like you sure i'm like yeah dude because i get too nervous so i'm gonna pull out way too early because i'll be nervous it's always like 15 guys you know i mean yeah i've had him say things like you're supposed to stop if we do anything and i'd be like yeah me and this guy i'm supposed to stop i'd be in a circle already pointing everybody trying to john to John Wick both hands. Yeah, it was terrifying.

Just had a bachelor party in the Poconos.

No, I was always last.

Same company as the one I did the dressing up at kids' parties for.

That was the funniest.

What?

Hold on.

I know you've told this story a million times, but can you please tell us that story?

Which?

The dressing up and...

There's a couple of them.

The Elmo.

Yeah, the Elmo. The Elmo.
Yeah. Just let me get that story.
That was the first one they sent me to. The guy was like, hey, if you want to make more money, I also, during the day, the stripper company does kids' parties where you dress up as the costumes.
Same guy, you go to the same guy's house with his fucking koi pond and pick up the fucking bag. The trash bag, mind you, full of costume.
That was like not the licensed ones, I guess you'd say. You know, they were like shitty costumes.
Knock off Elmos. So I was Elmo, and they sent me.
I was the last call for the stripper thing and this. Like, you know, we need somebody.
Our main guys can't do it. So I always got the shittiest gigs, and I mean, like, real, like, North Philly, like, scary places to go.

And I went as Elmo right away.

No one's happy to see me.

They're like, why is a white guy with a garbage bag coming to our front door?

And then they let me in, and I was like, yeah, I'm doing the – I'm here for the kids.

But, you know, I'm Elmo. And they go, all right, go change in the back.
It's sweltering hot. It's like summertime.
I put on the Elmo costume, and then I come out to start, and I tell them, like, you know, the lady was yelling at me to do the hokey pokey, but I was giving her, I gave her, like, a CD after, like, put it in, and she was like, we ain't got no play out here. Just do the hokey.
She kept yelling, do the hokey pokey at me, which is a funny thing to be yelled at. And then, you know, I got a little screen.
I'm like, miss, it's sort of the closer, you know, like the hokey pokey with all the kids. And then, um, whatchamacallit, this little girl, this little black girl, like Barrette's there.
She was so cute. Like, it was a moment where I was oh, this is cool.
Like this kid, because she did the hug. She hugged my leg and loved you, Elmo.
And then kids, like bad kids, you could tell, were coming in the block on bikes. And they came to the party.
And while this girl was really hugging my leg, the kid was like, yeah, that ain't the real Elmo. And she's like, yes, it is.
And he's like no it ain't and he starts looking through the grill thing he's like you see it and he's like get out of here yeah i'm going come on kid and he just lifts the sleeve up of the thing and screams he goes elmo's white dude that's like being in a shark age and the mom came over and she was yelling at the kid that is like she goes no this is Elmo honey this is Elmo and the little girl's getting upset and then the kid just pointed out and you're almost going like hey kids stop and he goes if that's the real Elmo why is he wearing FUBU sneakers which I was FUBU sneakers and then the kid said he goes let's see if Elmo has nuts and then I couldn't find him out of my little screen and then he just launched me and like no repercussions he just socked you in the balls I mean like the top of his foot hit my ass crack. Like he was.
He got in it. Let's see if I'm on that's balls.
And look into his screen like. It was like Hurt Locker sweat going on.
Like Iron Man in his mask. You wouldn't expect a from behind nut kick.
That was truly a master. That was a young man.
No, no, no. Not from behind.
It was from the front. He got it from the front.
He got it from the front. It was so in there.
You're an ankle. Like Gooch.
That is crazy, though, to leave like a, I'm presuming a slightly fucked up household and to spy spy out. I'm ruining this shit.
I have less scary stories from the stripper thing than the kids' parties, dude. One time I went, any owner of this company would say whatever to sell.
Sorry, we got some plumbers here. They're going wild.
The owner of the company would say whatever to sell the gig. My lady didn't dump and clogged the house.
Getting all your poops out. The owner would do anything to sell the gig.
So I was going to be as Winnie the Pooh to a kid's party, North Philly. And I get in there and then the guy goes, as soon as I get there.
The guy goes, as soon as I get in there, he goes, yo, where where's the presents and balloons and I was like which I thought was even a weird thing that someone would ever believe that's gonna happen I'm like you want to just bring random presents for your job I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl or what and he's like well I was told you bring presents and balloons so I was like well I'm sorry I'll go let me call the company and I called the guy and the guy was like yeah I just said it because you're there already like they're gonna oh he was like he was like yeah no he told him not to bullshit me goes put him on the phone and now like I didn't know this was the scam put him on and now we'll take a couple bucks off but you're already there and I was like oh my god okay so like it's also crazy to be like yeah we don't need to get the presents Winnie the Pooh is gonna come bring all the presents and decorations I know they would that would be yeah he said Winnie the Pooh is gonna bring presents like what damn so um the guy was like he gets him on the phone he's like alright and I go into this house and it was like the uh do you remember the party in Menace to Society where Kane beat the guy who was talking shit about Jada Pinkett no not really Not really. It was like that party.
Okay. It still gives me a good idea.
Multiple dice games going on. Two babies in height chairs eating Cheerios.
The only children at this party. And it's one of those kids' birthday.
So when I go in, the guy was like, where can I change? And he goes, go upstairs. Is it bad?

No, fuck it.

He was like, go upstairs and change in the bedroom.

So I went up to the bedroom and closed the door.

And it was fucking, sorry, my plumbers, they're just drummers.

Yeah, they're just fucking, they're doing something.

Yeah.

They're all right.

They figured it out.

They're sorting it out.

Sorry to interrupt.

No, sorry.

So you're up in the bedroom.

I go up in this bedroom, I close the door. And the guy's like the guy's like don't close that door motherfucker and i was like i already did and he was like oh man the door like when you close it it won't open oh no so now i have to wait for them to take the door off the hinges and i was it was funny like the door it literally fell it was like an old philly like yeah yeah it's this heavy ass door like they take off hinges and it goes and it hits the bed like the dust comes up and i'm literally standing there holding a winnie the poo, it literally fell.
It was like an old Philly, like, shitty house. It was this heavy-ass door.
Like, they take off the hinges and it goes on. It hits the bed.
Like, the dust comes up. And I'm literally standing there holding a Winnie the Pooh head.
Like, the right stuff. Like, I'm holding, like, an astronaut's helmet.
I'm like, let's go make history. So you were dressed as Pooh, just not with a head on yet.
Yeah, no head on. And then I went downstairs and I gave the guy, getting the CD to put in for the Hokey Pokey songs or whatever.
And the guy goes, just dance to what's on, which I do recall was Dr. Dre's 2001 Chronic.
Damn. So I just like hokey pokey danced to that for two kids in high chairs for like a half hour or so.
And then it was, the guys was doing their thing and kind of not paying attention to me. And then I was like, I was like, oh man, he goes, kids are adorable.
Like, thanks so much. much you know sorry about the miscommunication earlier i go i'm gonna go upstairs and change uh back into my clothes and get out of here and he was like nah man just get out of my house i thought it was like being playful first i was like yeah i know because the thing before he was like man i'm done just get the fuck out and i was like well i gotta go change and he was like not here and so then not thinking i took the head off to be like yo man come on like not like yeah just start shit with him just almost to plead like buddy come on let me change and then the kids started fucking screaming they just saw winnie the pooh remove his skull and then they physically pushed me out of the house and i ran to my mom's i ran to my mom'svette, and I drove a stick shift home with Winnie the Pooh hands on.
All your clothes were in the house? No, I had the bag. They were in the bag and stuff.
But it's my trash bag of my clothes instead of Winnie the Pooh. But that was a hilariously far more scary job.
Yeah, that's some fucking bullshit, man. Because most of the time the strippers were just...
There was only one stripper i drove that was like genuinely putting herself through med school like their actual story that you always hear like she was really doing it which was made her not a good stripper because that was what she was the girl that every time they were like uh this guy's touching my tit i'm like you have it in his mouth yeah you're like she's like go fight this guy he's doing this like please you have to let him touch your butt i think you could have been like you have a bright future ahead of you i don't want to ruin your medical school but the first girl i ever drove in that i don't remember i think her real name her fake name her real name was candace whatever it was i drove her she was really cute and we went to a party uh a bachelor party and she was like, they're sawing now? That's crazy. Are they sawing pipes? Yeah, you want to pause for a minute? Sure.
Yeah. Sorry.
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Prompt for a host rift. I struggled with dot, dot, dot.
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Still can't really go near any bodies of water.

Really?

Yeah, because due to the possibility of a frog would send me into a frenzy.

Oh, bro, trust me.

When you're on the edge of a pond and you don't even see the frog,

but you hear it jump into the water, I go,

I just want to fucking jump in after and bring that thing out. Hopefully I but you hear it jump into the water.
I go, I just want to fucking. Oh, yeah.
Catch it.

Thing out.

Hopefully I kiss it.

It turns into a prince.

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Yeah, dude, they do fucking rock with us. Yeah, they do rock.
Thank you, Butterhill. Butterhill.
Hey, we just got back from that fantastic ad read. Yes.
Seriously, that is the best underwear or something. Yeah, it was the best dick pill underwear.
Yo, this Kratom probably isn't addictive. No one's going to think you're a loser this time.
Dude, you guys, I always associate Kratom with Gas Digital. How could you not? And then I came down to Austin.
Yo, Kratom presents Gas Digital. You guys are like the Sacklers of Kratom.
But then I came down here in Austin, and it was one of those like Huberman said it works type. I don't think he did, but like that type of mindset, because here that's what everyone is.
Cranheads? No, but like Huberman dads. Huberman like Zen is actually a neurotrophic dad, so it's good for you.
Like that. One milligram of dad.
You can't just enjoy anything. It's got to be science.
You can't just go, yeah. But they're like Kratom.
They were just Kratom in nice bottles in the green room. I was like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Have we put this under the rogan scope yeah no it was under there it was like joe get your loop this is different like yeah it's cool they do have a little kratom like five hour energy type things those are awesome really the only one josh edamire's got me to try was a little i think it's ohms or something's called it's It's a drink.
I mean, you shouldn't drink at all. It's this big.
If you drink at all,

you will, I believe like opiates, get violently nauseous for five minutes or so. And then it's great.

Oh, nice.

When that noise goes away, awesome.

It's a ride.

Yeah. I wrote three full Nirvana albums.
New music, too. I just know it's theirs.
Yeah. So before we left, you said you had the cusp of the prettiest.
Oh, the first girl I ever drove. Yeah.
Very pretty. Yeah.
And she was so pretty that I was like, you you know the self-soothing of like what she's doing is actually great yeah because we went to this party and i always remember the thing was she had a she's all right guys we're gonna play a game she controlled the room too which i thought that's hilarious we'll be right back after another ad from heroin after these words words from heroin. That's crazy.
The timing's unbelievable. That was wild.
It was pin drop. It was.
It was quiet. Yep.
And we're back. As you were saying.
First trip driver. It's coming.
It's coming. Sorry, guys.
Got to do some light belt sanding. Yeah, it's on me.
And up accountability. Honestly, I was told they'd be out of here.
It's all good. It's not good.
So yeah, the first girl I ever drove, we went to this place. She was controlling the room, which I thought was like, again, I just thought she was pretty.
So I was just like, and I'm the person driving her her so you're like am i falling in love with this girl and she's she looks good and she starts doing this thing that's so raunchy but uh again i liked her so much that i thought it was a brilliant business thing i've talked about this where i'm like smart move this is called something in business what she just did what she was she would go uh all right guys we're playing this game five dollars ten dollars or twenty dollars and it was like for five dollars so she rolls it up like a coke straw whatever you give her and then she'll put it like in her pussy basically but she keeps her fingers like at the base do you know i mean and so it's like for five dollars she puts it in a little bit for $10, a little bit more. And you take it out with your mouth out of her pussy.
You're making the right face. If you were wondering if you were making the right face, you are.
How's it going? He goes, okay. Well, here's the problem with any kind of story of a bachelor party.
Your mindset there will tend to be different, I think. You know what I mean? When everyone's involved, you're hearing it later, you're like, ugh, money in a pussy and then money in my mouth? Like, all those things are wrong.
And then my mouth near money near a hooker pussy? This is all bad. But everybody did the $20 because it would be the closest.
But the funny thing, I was always like, well, it's crazy because no matter how much you put in there, you could fit it in your mouth and you're only getting as close as her fingers. Like you're never actually getting closer to her pussy.
Every guy did the 20 and I was like, it's genius. Well, it's funny to be like, let me do the five.
I'm going to stay on the periphery. It's crazy.
I'll just take a fiver. Let me just like get like, let Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He goes, let me get a five-hour smell test in there. What about three fives? That'd be the move.
I'm going to back-to-back three fives. That is the move.
But you're right. For $20 in fives, you could go four times and get the same experience.
Can you inhale the air through the bill? I assume you could if you wanted to. Just scuba a little bit.
Scuba. Psych him.
Just take one deep hit. Yeah.
If something comes through the straw, it's freakier too. Oh, no.
Oh. What is that? Toilet paper crumb.
This is bad news. Sure, that'd be a bonus.
But anyway, I thought she was an angel sent from heaven to do that. I've never at a bachelor party that was uh crazy we went we had one where there was i think i told you about it there was a lady who had just visibly must have just given birth not very long ago oh my god she had like that skin and we were all calling her brain belly dude you go get a lap dance from brain belly but yeah they uh it it was actually.
We're all Brain Belly. We go.
Well, this girl on our drive home. Sometimes guys get it and they don't even give it.
But whatever. When I was driving her home, she goes, we stopped at a 7-Eleven.
I remember she goes in and she bought one of those single individual roses for herself. And I was like, I'm like, what's that for? And she goes, it was just this sad, like, I always buy myself flowers at the end of a work night because I deserve it.
And then I, now this must have been so creepy for her. I dropped her off at her house.
Next day, next day, she opened her house with flowers. And I go, you deserve someone else to give you flowers.
And by the way, she could have been looking back more like, if my abusive boyfriend sees you here, I'm going to have to ship you that. She was like, thank you.
Thanks so much. And I'm like, and I just think you should know.
She's like, cool, thanks. I was like, bye.
She shoved him out of her pussy. She's like, see you later.
I go, so if I could just. You should have brought a $5 a $5 bill Yeah yeah Instead of flowers You should have been like Have one moment of your time With this $5 bill So uh Damn Skip ahead I started doing comedy Or I was doing comedy already But I You know That's like a job I would do Like kind of infrequently But Yeah When I needed money I would take it And so You can just call In the yellow pages Any of those places At the time And be like Hey do you need a driver i've done it before they'll be like sure most of them be like sure can you start tonight um so this guy i called some guy on the phone i was like hey you looking for drivers i have experience but when he goes yeah he goes the way he does it is you hang out at his house this guy's apartment and wait for jobs to come in or else is there with you so so i go to this guy's apartment not far from where my mom where my mom lives it was just a couch a tv and bodybuilding trophies everywhere the guy was just like a totally huge jack guy nice enough guy and he goes all right so you got a you got a gig you're taking these two girls one's this uh asian girl one's my cousin okay so the asian girl shows up she's nice enough the cousin comes it's the fucking girl the first girl i ever drove is his cousin she now by the way this girl who was like so hot we take her to this or i take her to this party she's brain belly everyone not brain belly everyone's like into.
Not brain belly. Everyone's like into this Asian girl.
She's very pretty. And then this girl, they're like, you hear the guys making jokes about her.
She was all like pale now, and her asshole was brown and dark. She had like an old dog asshole.
That came off a lot. Dog eyes.
Those fucking little tiny white dogs. And they're being mean to her, and I'm almost, you're having that thing where I'm like, don't know, you she's like She's in a rough patch Or something Yeah you had to defend her Don't fucking talk to her No but she did look Buddy busted And it was funny That was my luck Because people ask If I ever fucked Any of the strippers Ever on that gig We went back To the cousin's house And it was just me and her Waiting for another gig To come in And that night She started like Digging her toes Like she was like Laying on the couch And she was like Digging her toes like under my thing kind of like and i was like i mean not here your cousin's house because i was like ah dude she has something now for sure yeah and i never saw her ever again probably dead yeah um yeah that is that's the crazy thing with like uh like only fans and all this stuff like it does i'm not like being puritanical about it but it doesn't seem to really work well for women psychologically like they fucking crash hard yeah female porn stars we all thought that Jenna Jameson was like the example of like look you could do it and kind of get mainstreamed and not like lose your sense about you and then you know they have the video of her in night vision like breaking all the cameras her house.
You ever see her? She's climbing ladders. It's Night Vision.
She looks like a raccoon just busting all the cameras in the house. She was like a 90s porn star.
Now it's like... I feel like the hard, hardcore stuff back then is expected now.
Oh, yeah, for sure. You know what I mean? Hold on.
I think they're doing a little slop bug. Is somebody back there? i think he's breaking up one of these back there i think the toilet's just exploding

what is it is there anyone in there

what the fuck i gotta i kind of want to see this yeah go check it out you gotta go see

the smoking i gotta see the smoking toilet break

Thank you. What the fuck? I kind of want to see this.
Yeah, go check it out. You got to go see the smoking toilet.
I got to go see the smoking toilet.

Break.

Ew.

See that?

Oh, it makes sure it looks... It was smoking.

Smoke looks good.

Toilet back there.

I had the toilet back there.

Yeah, it was smoking big time.

Oh, yeah.

Straight through the water.

That's not great. He goes, oh, shit.
I thought smoke was good. Oh, shit.
Smoky shit. This house, man.
Smoke turds. There's been turds trapped in the walls since day one.
There's all those turds are everywhere. was i've never i've never heard a plumber once do that no you've never been to a bachelor party that was a wild one ever no never it was like like college friends and stuff now no never went to a crazy one i've been to uh the craziest one was i think it was who's fucking part with lewis uh zach it was zach's that's pretty wild that That was a wild one.
But me and O'Connor, that was the first time I really, I think, did Molly. Oh, yeah? And I just sat on a couch.
Oh, that wasn't Molly. That was actual ecstasy.
It was great. Yeah, I was afraid of...
I didn't talk to the women at all. And then I was on drugs watching Louis like, Yeah, bitch, come here, man.
He's very... Not not he wasn't calling him bitch but he was very uh show your butthole yes lady there was he was comfortable with strippers i'm not no yeah lewis through my bachelor party when i got married it was uh yeah it's pretty good he goes pretty hard with it but the two that i've been to that i have any i went to when my ex-wife's friend was having a bachelor party.
They invited me to. I don't know why they wanted.
I think they wanted me to come because I'm a comedian. They had come to shows already, so as a virtual unknown still, they were like the comedian guys coming.
And they had a stripper there that was gorgeous who was fucking. And I went in the bathroom bathroom with her and i'm such a fucking fat schnook like i went there and talked to her for 45 minutes where i started hearing people outside the door going like hey man are you done in there he goes who brought this fat guy who's like here like no one knows who i was and i'm just hogging the stripper to chat with her i go yeah i yeah, I used to work in this business a little bit myself.
Yeah, I try to chat her up. She had no interest.
She was almost like, hey, are we like fucking in here or not? I was like, yeah, you got to do your thing or whatever. You got enough.
You got enough on your plate. You're trying to have industry talk.
There was a guy. It's time to talk biz.
There was a guy that used to come to my shows always. I became friendly with him, but I opened for Bobby Slayton a million years ago at the West Palm Improv.
And afterwards, all these people that came to see him and the host of the show, who was like a local player, we like, oh, we got to go to the strip club. We have to go to the strip club.
We went. And this guy, Lorne, who I became friends with, was one of the managers there.
And he was like, you know, pick a girl or whatever. It was just like free reign.
And he was always like that kind of like dude. And a few years back, it was in the Comedy Inn in Miami, which is a small little room in the motel basically.
And he's like, I'm coming. And he goes, I got a new, this is a couple years back.
He goes, I got a new company too. I'm bringing a couple of the girls.
He's like, and they went to party. And I'm just like, yeah, man, sure.
So him and his buddy come to bring these two girls who are like super ghetto, like Hispanic girls. Both cute though.
And he was like, hey, you want to go, because they want to go like smoke with you or something before the show. Why don't you take them to like your room or whatever, which is a motel room right there.
So I was like, yeah i went there i smoked pot with him talked to him for a while and then i was like but my thing is so like like me and lewis where we have different opinion on this a lot of times like lewis has the why he says he could fuck a hooker is rooted in he thinks he's like this must be a nice change for you huh like getting to fuck me instead of like what you think i assume i'm the other end of that spectrum so i'm like oh god this girl's like gonna have to wash me off later just being like what am i i gotta get my kids back from social services and get my shit together so like yeah that's fair that's fair yeah i would feel the same way that's how i feel like i feel like i'm like they're like, this is my job I have to do. And clearly he told them they should like do something and fuck around with me because, you know, I'm hooking them up with tickets or whatever to this little motel comedy club.

Yeah.

So, but in my mind, I'm going like, you know what?

They're both cute. I'm like, they're going to come to the show.

After the show, they're probably going to really want to fuck me. Yes.
maybe it would be the best thing or at least i can convince myself yeah i agree now they're like oh i saw you do your thing so yeah now we kind of want to do this yeah let me see you do your thing now after the show i'm talking to them i think even a little before the show they're both giving you of course they're like you said no one gets out of it unscathed like they're both given they're like it's like my boyfriend hates that I do this, man. Like if he beats the shit at me one more time, my dad's going to kill him.
It's just going to talk like that. And you're like, okay.
And then we're sitting outside bullshitting with the two of them and the two guys, my buddy, Lauren, his buddy. I told you these chicks wanted to party, dude.
Killing time. Yeah, I mean, really killing time.
And then the guy eventually goes like, hey, man, we're going to get out of out of here pretty soon so uh you know if you want to take the girls and hang out for a little bit like you know now's the time and i remember just touching him on his arm and i went give him the night off man just give him the night off man how'd they react to that were they like oh sweet no they were almost puzzled like everyone he was even like, no, man, the girls came to like party and stuff. I was like, I know, but like even that sentence.
It's like they came in and they were like, they know me and my stuff. Like they came to party because you were like, hey, you girls want to do coke tonight probably for free and drink.
Go fuck this guy. Yeah.
I'm all right. You think he was going to try to get you the bill? He was going to hit you with the bill too he didn't have a tab or anything not even sort of so he was just hooking you up absolutely but i'm with you i would have done i don't know i just i get it i get it completely i have to believe or at least be able to believe in some way like you want to do this not like you will i will fuck you yes yeah i will say that it must have been i don't know if you did this that night the fap sesh must have been decent though because like there were two hookers in your room i feel like that'd be a nice fap sesh no i've hit the post uh like strip club yeah where you're like i could have uh and then you go home and you're like damn this is because you're horny while you're jacking off you're like damn this would have been so much cooler with a fucking lady yeah then you come and you go oh thank god exactly the second you're done you come that was fucking great this part of your brain comes back online it's like going on the road before i ever had a laptop you know for years that wasn't really a thing that everybody had a laptop so on the road was a hilarious race you'd either find you either had that local have that local newspaper, whatever that weird arts paper is, it would have hooker ads, the yellow pages, and the E channels, girls going wild infomercial.
And it was a race to like, can I just jerk off and not make a terrible mistake right now? And you have to remind yourself, you go, as soon as it's over, you're going to be like, I don't really have $200 to be throwing around like that or whatever you know i mean like all of it is so bad as soon as you're done you're like perfect night you really made the right decision there big guy thank you girls going wild i mean who doesn't know ding ding ding yeah we were all probably hitting the same commercial a couple times big time you know how when it's like if you look at the moon dude i, I'm pretty sure. Any time on Earth, if we stare at the moon at the same time.

It's like those girls are wild.

We were somewhere out there.

Stern.

If you had like a lady naked.

We were probably catching it at the same time.

You see Stern, you'd be like, fuck, dude.

Fuck, dude.

I'm not trying to jerk to Stern.

Get the fuck out of here, Stern.

Get out of here, Stern.

You look like a witch.

He does look like a witch.

He does.

He looks like a brouhaha.

He is a brouhaha, dude.

Howard Stern.

He's a ju-ha.

He is a ju-ha. He is a brujá, dude.
Howard Stern. He's a jujá.
He is a jujá. He's a vich.
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But yeah, that's the best. Getting like, I mean, Squiggle Vision was the fucking ultimate.
I wish I was on the road when Squiggle Vision. Horny Dad with Spice Channel.
Yeah. Oh spice channel yeah oh yeah spice channel and then i got a at one point at one of my first roommates in new york worked for the cable company so we had unlocked spice and playboy channel and like those are really like that was still the era like everything was on dv you had to down.
So it was like you did it,

but it was like,

so not good.

The playboy channel.

Yeah.

It's so like the fact that they made any kind of what you would describe as

vanilla pornography.

Yeah.

And the world is still strange to me.

Did it exist?

Like,

like soft core you're saying,

or just naked women,

but yeah,

yeah.

They weren't even doing anything.

It was just naked women.

Maybe just the naked

women stuff but i mean like just all of it's gotten so like uh like the fact that anyone can go back and be like what would i read like do maxim magazine has the 50 hottest bikini babes pictorial like who gives a shit yeah it's like there's a girl this pretty taking a dump in a sink on the internet.

And I can eat it if I join her.

You can get a vial of it sent to my house. I'm going to suck that vial down.
I'm interviewing in a few weeks, I believe, where we got Farrah Abraham. And I told the person who's sending her to us.
That's MTV's Teen Mom. Oh.
And then she started doing like porn. She did a couple porn videos, like pro porn videos.
Then she started doing, like, cam stuff. But then, LaMere, you're familiar with this.
Then she took a video of herself for somebody taking a dump that is the – I don't know where this dump was inside of her tiny body. She smoked out a toilet.
She smoked one out for the OF. Well, she's not – so she shits right on the floor, but like an animal.
But I mean, it is a shit I've watched so many times because it's fascinating. It's like a cork pops, like one little shit comes out and then two straight feet of connected shit.
Do you have this on your phone? Yeah, somewhere. Because I'd like to take a look at this.
So she segued teen moms into her OnlyFans? I mean, what does she know? She's probably in her 30s. But now she's She's doing stand-up comedy.
What? Obviously. So her first time stand-up comedy is going to be at a strip club in New York.
So she's coming on the bonfire to promote it. That's so sick.
And I told the person, I was like, first thing I'm asking about is this dump. You mean, bro.
I know there's no audio on it, so I have to assume as soon as it was fun, it finished coming out, did you go, whew. I can't wait to see this.
Whew. It's pretty good.
The cork popping is so underrated.

Just a cork pop.

I might be a cork pop.

I'll just cut it after the cork pops.

I never caught the poop, but I've seen their other work.

Damn, dude.

Just a rogue lady.

Just five.

Probably like five cappuccinos a day.

Five whipped cream Starbucks a day.

Just brewing the two-footer.

Just brewing the two-footer.

She should have held it up like a fisherman at the end.

The ayahuasca python.

Actually, two feet.

You might have to take a picture.

You might have to, like a hunter.

You might have to sit over it with the antlers.

This might be a job for a writer.

Imagine being the guy, get all that bang for your buck, being like, I didn't think it was going to be this amazing. I thought it was going to be like a pathetic girl turd.
Turns out. That OF guy must have.
He had that come. I get jealous of those guys who can just have that aspect of your life where you're just constantly scheming on like filming the girl dating.

That would add such a charge to like your whole life.

It's tough to get porn here. Governor Abbott

is locking down the turd porn. I know, dude.

Oh, no. Turd porn

should be the most legal of all.

It should be equal

with child porn to me.

If you're watching turd porn,

you should be in fucking prison getting beat up by other guys in there. They're like, you're the turd porn guy? You should be a PC.
My thing is, it's not even sexual. I'm taking a dump.
I'd be like, Governor, you're the one getting horny. I just wanted to make sure this lady was healthy and taking a proper dump.
Liz Jefford. Bing.
Bing will have it. Yeah, I mean, this is the last, this is the last, this is the last, this is the last, this is the last, Bing.
Bing will have it.

Yeah,

I mean,

this is,

so she,

was it like a private video

that got leaked?

No,

no,

no,

this is for somebody

who paid her to do it.

That's what I'm saying,

but like,

it was on the public,

like public chain,

like the public page,

or like,

how did this vid get out?

I guess you can't keep it to yourself.

You tell 12 people

who basically told the world.

It's true.

Show 12 of your butt.

I mean, that video, nothing would spread faster than that, though.

That's why it spreads.

You got it, Sean?

I'd like to see it.

I want to find it for you.

What'd you have, buddy?

I had a bunch of scat pornography.

He might be a shit porn guy.

That's the number one shit porn.

He's got the voice of a shit porn.

He's kind of smelled it

doubting us right now. He's like,

I don't like this stuff.

It's in the file I have here.

It's in my homework file.

That's not true. You got the voice

of a scat man. There's got to be one

shitty porn guy in this room.

Did you get it,

Guardian?

Did you get it? I got it for you. It did you get it I got it for you

It's just black ladies pooping

Were they dropping

Hang on

Let me take a look at this

Oh no oh no this is an impressive shit yeah yeah is she talking to me yeah no. All right, here we go.
The first one's not impressive. It looks like the space.
No. Now, the first one's just going to pop out.
That's the cork. Oh.
Now, here. One foot, two feet.
That's like three and a half. And then...
So if you guys have any questions you want me to ask. Yeah, they injected that.
I think that was fake. You'd like to think that.
That was a legit dump. A real dump.
Shane, you've had a problem always appreciating others' talents. I mean, the cork is the craziest detail.
There's no way. Yeah, that might be the real deal.
The first thing that breaks out, yeah. Here's my question I'd like to ask her.
Is there some sort of prep? If you know you've got a big, like, you know, Gardini hits you up. You know you have the big dump.
I have to assume. What's the regimen's the regimen do you like hit a bunch of fiber it seems like she was stacking them for sure inside of herself because that's those three dumps it was I mean when she was done in fact she just like they show the longer one like she turns around it's kind of like did you like that and I was like how are you not like taking a little sieste after that that's one like when're done, you got to go, wow, that must have been in there for a while.

Yeah, she just passed that like nothing.

She was like, yeah, that's how you shit.

A big fucking two coiler.

God bless her heart.

Yeah.

Did you put it on your to-do notes?

Oh, yeah.

They probably go super fiber.

She's very.

Probably super fiber.

It's like fiber powder probably for two days.

Yeah.

Knowing they have the big vid coming. Definitely the most famous person to ever make a shit video blippy remember blippy did that the harlem shake video yeah blippy the guy who's the kids entertainer before he became a child entertainer made it you remember that harlem shake dance everyone would do like bum bum uh he took a video where he was sitting on the toilet.
It was him on the... No, his friend was on the toilet.
He just shit all over his friend. Like an explosive, massive dump.
And then Blippi just popped off, and everyone was just like, whatever, my kid likes this show. Did you ever...
You guys ever watch the old... Allegedly.
The old... What's his name? Chuck Berry? The old Chuck Berry videos? Chuck Berry farts, one of the funniest.
He goes, give me that fart.

I love the lady's face.

She's like.

He goes, ooh, get that fart.

Sure head pops back out of it.

Whoa, there it is.

It's real.

You like that fart?

Farting in a hooker's face is fucking wild. I mean, you're paying for it.
I guess you got to be able to do what you want. Yeah, but back then there was no like, I mean, there was a newspaper, but you didn't think anything would ever get out.
Like if you farted in a hooker's face, there'd be a part of your head being like, this is going to be on BuzzFeed. You would just think this is going to make its way.
Back then it was just like, literally do he must have he filmed it yeah i don't want to again this is speculation huge chance that was like a 13 year old girl huge chance back in like the 50s you could part what is it like now you could see it okay there's a video of it she's like old hookers they're like actually pretty gnarly looking hookers yeah yeah i mean they're hitting. I was just venturing to like back then you could really, those dudes did like everything.
Like Led Zeppelin apparently. They were letting the let out.
They're getting the let out. I take that back.
On Howard Stern a few years back, one of the famous groupies like from like BBB-L or one of them like came in to talk and kind of do like a tell-all book. And like just so casually the way she goes,

oh, yeah, like I don't know if she lost her virginity,

but she was like when she was 15,

she basically got gangbanged by the Allman Brothers

like backstage.

But the difference is that she's just going like,

oh, it was great.

Like because she's telling the story like that,

it's no legs, like no one cares.

The Allman Brothers, bro.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

The Allman Eskimo Brothers, dude.

Hell yeah. Bold? The Allman Brothers, bro? Yeah.
That's crazy. The Allman Eskimo Brothers, dude.
Hell yeah.

Bold?

The Allman Brothers.

Oh, true.

Now we're talking.

That's just a joke for you and me.

No, that's not for the pot.

I thought you were pointing to bold.

I'm like, that is quite bold.

Point at that jar of almonds.

Oh, it's so fucking funny.

The Allman Brothers.

Come on now.

Come on now.

Damn, you think the Allman Brothers were laying pipe like that?

I don't. You think they were laying pipe? I mean, they're 15-year-olds.
It's the 70s. The 70s, yeah.
Back then, when did you used to be able to get your driver's license? I don't know. I don't think they even did it back then.
Shame on you, Allman Brothers. I just think there's also a tough...
Yeah, true. Shame on your alleged behavior.

But I think there's also something to like...

Like I said, these things were like people...

It wasn't like they were like seeking out 15-year-old girls.

It seems like 15-year-old girls were trying to get backstage.

I think it was a time where people accepted

like where you fell over just like the overall laws.

It's like, yeah, if you're some kind of scraggly,

rotten homes kid, like you're probably going to be out there fucking at like 14, 15 years old. You know what I mean? Or if like, I'm sure there was also 15-year-old girls who would be like, do what? Go where? Huge chance, dude.
The brothers don't even remember it. They're probably sitting somewhere and I came on and they're like, what the hell? That'd be a tough one.
Yeah. Feeling that one.

Yeah, and Jimmy Page right here,

the other one,

he was the famous one,

like a child bride.

Yep.

They were partying, bro.

Rock stars,

were they rock stars

or were they pedophiles?

Yeah.

Hard to say.

It's an intense party, though.

Alleged child pussy

must be great.

Allegedly.

Allegedly. You're a alleged child pussy.
Alleged child pussy must be great. Allegedly.
Allegedly. Allegedly.
Talking about it 50 years later. Yeah.
Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.
Stood the test of time. Kid pussy.
You know what was great back in the day? Kid pussy. Our whole government seems in disarray about it.
The Epstein went off society's collapsing over the weight of kid pussy it's like kid dick and balls epstein thing they were like how many people they don't you know they interview all the one they never you know when they got the olympic doctor guy right where he was like fingering all the yes when they got him like every victim showed up it was was like 300 victims showed up to be like, you did this, you fucked me over. Epstein, where they were pulling those girls from, there was a bulk of those chicks that were just like, yeah, it was a good way to make 400 bucks.
Watch an old man whack off. It's the Uncle Eddie thing.
Remember when Uncle Eddie in Philly, when he got arrested, people people were like, oh, man, damn. That's what we, if we went to the mall, we would just go take a dump at fucking Ed's house and show him our wiener, and he'd give us 50 bucks.
Yeah, he was such a legend. When I was growing up, it was like, nobody was happy when he got put away.
They were like, fuck, dude, my fucking, that was my mall money. When I was little, there's a guy, he carries around a pizza box and he'll say if you give him your underwear he'll give you 50 bucks 50 bucks and i'll put him in the pizza box how old are you i'm 39 i'm 47 i mean that that thing went around guys a legend he's total fucking legend i'm saying they're the old man brothers you're the kid you're going i had a good fucking time i genuinely had the thought in my head when they just described when i was a kid.
Be careful. That school would say there's a guy who wants, he's asking kids for their dirty underwear.
They use underwear. And I genuinely remember having a thing and I'm like, where is this motherfucker? Like, I will give him my, I wasn't putting it together.
There was any kind of a gay thing or something like that. I'm like, I guess he's just a fucking freaky weirdo.
Yeah. And I was like, yeah, dude, I go.
It does sound like a mythical. Yeah, dude.
I wouldn't even throw out, like I said, if I had skid marked underwear when I was a kid, he'd be like, nice. Yeah.
I mean, I'm going to save these for a school day. In case he catches me walking home.
I was just playing against sports. Pretty penny for these.
You go right there. But those guys that would call Howard Stern with those Philly accents were so great.
Like, yeah, he went over to me because my boy took a fucking dump on his chest. It was crazy.
And then I'd show him my dingling and we'd get out of there. My dad had a nice little creep.
Legendary pervert? Yeah, legendary pervert that would give you crimpets if you showed him your dick. Butterscotch? Butterscotch.
Nice. Yeah.
Whole package was one. And Phil was out in the woods.
So that was big. I knew somewhere in the world that tasty cakes were being used for evil.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
How did he get that cake to stay so moist? According to Phil, he never did it. How's it shelf stable and that moist? Yeah, yeah.
His one boy would go for it all the time and then split the crumpets with my dad. Phil was pimping out his boy.
He was pimping. That's awesome.
I appreciate that. Being a small dog.
Yeah. I feel like that was always the kid that would sell candy in school was the same kid who would also run boy ass for a local pedophile.
I got a couple of irons in the fire. I'm doing a little candy thing, a little resell BJ's Costco candy thing.
I'm running boy ass to some local pedos. Running kid dick to a weirdo for cupcakes.
What exactly did you have to do? Just show him your dick. You have a good pedophile sting house, Shane.
Yeah, right here. This is a great pedophile sting house.
We were just watching To Catch a Predator. I know that's one of your all-time favorites.
It's so good. Yeah, I've been on three or four pedophile stings.
Pretty wild. How are they? You did it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I didn't take part. Well, I took minimal part.
Yeah. When my last special came out, the guys, Dads Against Predators, those are the ones now who just beat the guys up completely.
Shove them in the cupcakes at Walmart. Yeah, but I went with them.
I went to hang out with them, and it was funny when they had the guy cornered in the grocery store. He was cornered, and they were yelling at him, giving a bunch of shit in the grocery store.
When I walked by, I was Instagram-living. Oh, no.
I no i was instagram living when i walked by to be like i was going like hey i'm watching like these guys yeah do the pedophile hunt as i'm walking by those guys to fuck with which is also funny when you do the pedophile hunts there is something the idea though it's like they take it seriously but also not that seriously they make jokes like themselves about it so the guy when they're walking by the guy they look at me and the guy goes he says to the pedophile goes you fucking know big jokerson is and the guy was like no and i just go oh you hear you hear my voice just go oh like a view's a view and at the end of it they take him out to a field and they make him stand in a trash can call his mother and tell her he's a pedophile and then go big jokerson's dog belly available holy shit dude i went to a sting house one where the girl lures the the guys over that was pretty wild that was uh at the sting house this is jay this is insane yeah yeah it's wild yeah the sting house one first guy comes over we hide in a bedroom for we're hiding in a bedroom with the camera guy. Shh, shh.
Yes. It's got to be so exciting, dude.
And you hear through a window. It's like, so I'm a little nervous here.
Yeah, it's cool. How excited are you when a pedophile is in the house, like a real-life pedophile? Tense.
Yeah, it's got to be crazy. Yeah, you might have a gun.
It's real. It's true.
I didn't even think about that. But that has happened.
It's real. It's definitely a dangerous thing for sure.
But the, so the first guy comes in and like very quick, she's talking to him for like five minutes. And then, by the way, I don't know why everyone I do these with, they always do this to a pedophile.
She had in the background purposely my special playing.

And when the guy comes in, he goes,

this is Big Jay Oakerson.

He's like, you know who he is?

And he was like, no.

And I think someone said fat at one point about it.

I was like, right.

I'm squatting down in the back room like,

right, dude.

Fuck you.

Mike Fenoya and Dylan with me.

I'm like, what a dick.

Guess what's about to happen to you?

Oh, I'm fat?

You're fucked.

I'm fat?

Oh, I'm fat.

You just hear in the background.

Come on, dude.

What's that?

I thought no one else was here.

As soon as we went out, or the camera guy went out,

that guy was like, whoop, and he ran off.

Hauled ass immediately as soon as he got on camera. Second guy came and they had a whole thing with him.
Whoop. That's the ski dad.
That's the ultimate ski dad. Whoop.
Whoop, wrong house. Hope the YouTube channel doesn't have a lot of views.
Second guy hung in there for a while and talked to them. But that night, I was in Indianapolis.
That night, she came to the pedophile hunter girl, Courtney Elizabeth. She came to the show, and her partner said that that day when they posted the thing, they have moderators who live in Indianapolis.
Even though she lives in Wisconsin, their moderators live in Indianapolis and she was like when they put the video up

the two moderators

are brother and sister

and they both go

the guy who just ran out right away

the guy who said nothing

after the camera came out

he goes up and ran off

they go

that's my cousin

and then the other moderator goes

that's my brother and sister

that's my cousin

and they started realizing

like in that two seconds dude

like fucking

ripped their whole family apart

the guy that left immediately

became the hunted

true

yeah yeah yeah, yeah. How wild is that? Like, the moderator's cousin happened to be one of the people they caught.
You ever see that? That's the Chris Hansen one when the guy he rides the train with walks in. Do you ever see that? He's like, what are you doing here, man? What are you doing here? He's so upset with him.
Why are you here? I see you every day on the train. And then I went with the guy, the big guy from Houston, Texas, Alex something.
The big beard, you've probably seen him before. Yeah, I know that guy.
I went with him before and we didn't get anybody. But that's where I saw the danger of how it could go.
Because Walmart parking lot, we pulled up next to the guy. The guy wasn't out of out of his car yet and the guy fucking threw i mean 70 miles an hour in a walmart parking lot hit a speed bump i mean his car like rattled he got on the highway and like they were like we're not chasing him on the highway like that's too dangerous at that point but i thought what the most interesting thing so far about it was that, of all the things I've, with the pedophile hunters, was that because I'm like, that guy was so, he didn't know if we were there to kick his ass.
He didn't know if we were related to the thing. He didn't know if we were cops.
He didn't know whatever. The instinct that guy had at all, like if that car would have, if the doors and car would have fallen apart around him when he hit that speed bump, he would have continued running onto the highway just like i was like wow i've never seen somebody really run for their life that was like a genuine like this guy thought his life was over if he doesn't get away from this he was giving me everything he had yeah you're gonna get shot by a pedophile right so i don't do him anymore yeah you shouldn't because you're literally gonna get shot by a pedophile which sucks that's such a shitty way to die shot by the hand of a pedophile shot by a pedophile in a buffalo wild wings parking lot bleeding out in front of a fucking target dad's against predators guys guys been shot twice now what and he keeps going and they're the ones that are aggressive like this kid they can't wait to like punch the guy in the face i just saw one that was very funny.
The guy walks down the aisle and he's like, all right, I knew this was coming.

Hey.

He's like, I know what you're up to.

I know what I'm up to.

Let me talk.

Oh, there's some great ones.

He was slow.

He was mentally.

He couldn't do it.

Law and Order SVU last week just did finally an episode on that.

You're doing a pedophile sting and you catch a guy who came there to watch cartoons and hug because he he has Down syndrome. And it's prosecuting him the same way.
Yeah. And that is the thing.
It's like most of the pedophile hunts, that's what you're getting. You're getting a person who would have showed up if you said the kid was boy, girl, 8 years old or 85 years old.
They can't believe anyone's responding to him and wants to hang out. Oh, that's so sad.
So it is a sad thing to see when they catch those people and they got a big fat guy on one of those podcasts all that i think i may have showed to you i said the mom sounds like bees or the mom's died the mom of the pedophile but they just right in front of the mom they make him put on like a 7x shirt that says i lick ass because it's something he said to the girl this fat guy named jamie and he just stands there while the guy reads the things in front of his mother. And the mother's just such a weird old twat, and every time he goes, and then it says, I want to suck your little pussy until you come and howl for the moon.
And she's like, Jamie! What? Well, that's bullshit. You don't even know how to do that oh it's so funny she sounds like bees dude she said i don't know why she just like reminds me of like it's not it sounds like i'm it's just like it looks like it would be bezer's mom yeah yeah jamie ah god and then they're like can you not make this a big deal because the bitch who runs this apartment complex wants us out already and it's grounds for dismissal damn it jamie and she's like and by the way the whole thing when they're giving like this crime that they committed it's so funny when like the mother caretakers are always like well then that's it you're giving me your phone young man grounded yeah you're giving me your phone they're like it's a little bigger than that but and i show i think i showed you the the midget guy before who they catch four times where eventually yes eventually a midget file eventually the cops eventually the cops in the fourth video get mad at the guy who's stinging him and goes like he goes like they're like hey leave this guy alone he shows up every time because he can't believe for again and he's so dumb the first time they showed up at his house by the way all those things are like i love he's already saying i love you he's like a retarded midget guy and he's saying i love you a bunch to this like fake girl and then they ask him he goes you know the fake girl's like what we doing today he goes just playing basketball and like he writes and she goes she goes oh yeah are you really tall he's like you know he's like 4 11 i could dunk though and she's like uh she goes really he's like yeah it's pretty easy for you tall guy holds me up yeah he's in my waist he's just a retarded guy and every time the cop show up he's like no and just like starts running around crazy yeah and he runs around crazy and And then the neighbor will always come over and be like, just can you leave? I kind of look after him a little bit like, guys, this is not a real problem you're having.
And the guy's. Staying a special needs little person over and over again.
And the guy was so retarded. Get a helicopter following.
Over and over again. They show.
No. When he leaves.
He runs around like the little guys in Halo he does he does he never quite gets it as soon as they leave the first time the same night to see if they can they just message him back and they go sorry about that that was my uncle that was my uncle was my uncle. He gets really pissed off.
And he was like, that was weird. And then she was like, yeah, but it's okay.
He's going back to England tomorrow. And he's clearly just an American guy.
It's okay. He's going back to England tomorrow.
He goes, okay, well, I mean, I still love you. Like, am I going to get to see you? And then they just do it again.
The fourth time they catch him at a car dealership. And he's getting out of his car.
And he goes, are you? And they go, hey, Jason. And he doesn't recognize him.
He's retarded. He goes, oh, hey.
And he goes, what are you here for? He goes, get a car. He goes, would you like to get a 13-year-old car? And he goes, what? He goes, are you here for a 13-year-old? He goes, no! And he's running for his life.
And then the thing, he's like, get out of here! Get out of here! And that's the one where the cops show up and they go, yo, stop. Block his number.
What are you doing? Like, leave this guy alone. He's never gotten any pussy, kid or otherwise.
Yeah, he's entrapment.

Leave the man alone. That's really fucked up.
They should have a clause.

They should amend the law. If you are

an R-rated

midge,

they should just go,

that's up to the parents' discretion.

I mean, it's really... That'd be a good high school, sweetheart.

You should be allowed to. This is my prom date No No Get him out of here Bust him at prom 10 times Taking the prom picture And we got him No Now we're just fucking with you Get out there and dance again Remember Carrie it's his revenge yeah he goes luckily a midget has telekinesis um yeah he's they're all i mean there was the famous one is the chris hansen was the guy started eating pizza yeah just yeah he's all that one of the best ones ever he goes you want a slice scarfing that.
He doesn't even care. He's changed his name and moved.
That's what he did. That must have been the craziest acid reflux, just getting caught as a pedophile and crushing like half his arm.
And it was the grease cup pepperoni, too. He was folding them, too.
He was folding them. I've never seen someone grub that.
But just like grub, it was while getting in trouble, he hit a fucking hard grub's edge. It's because he thought it was going to make him look more natural.
He did. He really did.
He goes, hmm. He goes, I guess I'm a pervert.
Yeah. And they're like, did you say this? And he goes, hmm.
When he's chewing, he's like, you got the text? He's like, oh, shit, shit you have the transcripts there's also those great compilations of Chris Hansen doing like the I may have told you before like the I like his first line when he tries to play off what they say is always the best the guy's like where you at then the girl will be like I'm upstairs I'll be down in a second he's like i can't wait to kiss you would you like to kiss me frank clear there's a cloth in the hallway that he opens you go there's you know that's normal would you like that he goes don't mind that that's video village back there we've talked about before but when they get indian guys it's the best. Just a foreigner that's just like, what's the problem?

They should be like my parents arranged this.

I would die.

I bet my parents set this up.

That wasn't me.

An Indian guy is the one who got naked right away when he came in, like fully naked and

just started walking around.

That was an Indian guy.

And then the other one was the kid who got caught twice in like the back-to-back days.

And the second time they pull up on him, they go, what are you doing, man? And he goes, oops. Getting caught back-to-back days.
Back-to-back days. All right, back to the drawing board.
There's no way. Now we know what to look for.
So it's funny. And I know they're trying to get more of like a police involved thing.
Like Catch a Predator was like an official with police they're working with. And there's, I guess, another one called Underage Undercover on Discovery or something.
Max had it. They did two seasons of it.
And what's funny about that is going on the ones that I've gone on, how fast? They'd be like, all right, well, it's 3.15. He said he was coming at 3.
This guy's flaking. He's not answering anymore.
And, you know, with that Stinghouse, we're like, all right, well, it was nice to meet you guys. We're going to take off.
And they go, no, no, no, hang on. I mean, I'm not kidding.
Go on. Hey, my parents are gone.
Could you come over? Can you be here in 15 minutes? I'll be right over. I mean, to catch a person willing to fuck a 13, 14-year-old.
That's wild. So they will.
There's no loss of getting them at all. But again, I don't know how much, outside of court of public opinion and ruining your personal life, doesn't really end up in a lot of arrests and stuff.
But to get the arrest, what they have to do, that's why I found it so funny that they can just go, hey, I and i have a vagina who wants to fuck and like people will start coming the underage undercover they over do it so it's like a whole house they've rented and each room is like decorated to a different girl character and they have the things with fake braces so like you see them like working through each other like she's like okay so i'm supposed to watch a masturbate at like four o'clock today so like so they'll go put on the pigtails and little girl things and sit in style and then holding like another girl's hand off camera who's going like sorry you're doing so good and she's like it's great then you just hear the guy like oh wait they go for it they let the pedophiles do it it's almost my point is that like i don't think you have to get this much information yes they go okay by the way after like four masturbation sessions and talking on the phone every day to them and going through all this thing they'll be like okay we think we know what state he lives in like they're trying to like it's like each season's like to get like one little piece of information about a guy.

It's like, how come every other person just go,

hey, look in the fuck, I'm 12.

And someone goes, I fuck a 12-year-old.

I don't care.

I'll come over.

You're going to jail.

It's like nonstop things.

You got to let him finish.

It's like the South Park episode where he's like,

I'm going undercover as a process.

Wow, daddy, that sure was a lot of cum.

Freeze. Freeze.
It's the best. Damn, are they recording them and just sit through it and be like, damn.
Right, and the girl off camera is holding her hand going, you're being so strong right now. And then it's like, by the way, also whenever a guy starts jerking off, you're pretending you're a kid, you could be like, so my parents are calling, I'm so sorry, I have they just go like they let them finish and like i like it like there's no reason to get for what they're doing they got them if i'm texting sexual if i'm the pedophile i'm going back to that house and i'm by the fourth time it's like no i knew she was 20 yeah yeah this is a show this is great i've been so great if you catch one great if you catch one of the people you know is that show under agent recovery goes I thought we're just a little role player yeah I was around obviously she's 20 yeah here's her IMDB yeah just give Chris Hansen a big kiss big this is all for you yeah I came here to meet you trying to work my way up that's a good move you keep going to kids houses and be like where's Chris Hansen we're just trying to meet Chris Hansen that's what a good move.
You keep going to kids' houses and be like, where's Chris Hanson? I'm just trying to meet Chris Hanson.

That's what you do.

You walk in and be like, all right, I know I was fucking around.

Where's Chris?

Is he here?

Yeah.

That way he comes out and be like, oh, I knew you were here.

Yeah, we're giving you guys some.

Any pedophiles out there, we're giving you some nice hacks.

We should do a million dollars worth of game for pedophiles.

Guys who knew, guys in the 90s came.

This is allegedly Spotify, allegedly. Every in the 90s, though, people would find their thing and then just kind of stick with that.
Like Mari Povich's show, what used to be like, you were my school bully, look at me now, and this and that. Now I'm a girl.
I'm a hot lady. Yeah, really.
Look at me now, what do you think? By the way, that was the best. You're still fucking gay.
Dude, those bullies would go, especially with a girl. It's like she was a fat girl in school.
It goes, now she's like a bikini model. It's like, look what I've got.
Remember how mean you were to me? And it's like, seems to have affected you. And you really made some positive life changes.
You're welcome. Yeah.
Now, can we get this over with and kiss? You still want to fuck me clearly. You had me flown here.
But on a date. You had me flown here.
True. But Mari Povich figured out, like, the paternity tests were the whole thing.
Jerry Springer realized cheating in fights were the whole thing. Yeah.
And Chris Hansen. Chris Hansen was just like Dateline NBC, like, here's a story about a small town murder or corruption in politics.
And then it was like, nope, he's the pedophile guy. He's the guy.
And now he gets to curse. He loves it.
The ones online, the true blue ones, he loves it because he gets to read. Now he gets to really read the, what you say here, you wanted to suck her ass.
Yeah, he goes, yeah. But I mean, sucking ass.
That means like, I mean, like, you know, like a couple minutes. I think it was a later season.
He hit one guy. He was like, BBCP, that's a bareback cream pie.
And I was like, damn, Chris. Damn, dude.
The smoothest one he ever did was the guy who was washing his hands for the girl. Like the little wigger dude was like washing his hands.
And then Chris Hansen just walks up next to him and starts ripping off slices of paper towels to hand him. And the guy, he's washing his hands and he looks over and he takes the paper towel.
He's like, thank you. And he just tries to act like it's not a weird thing.
He're for the young pussy too oh i didn't realize this was a party that's happened a couple times on catch a predator when the people come out and they go oh i thought it was just me and her like she's in the two dudes oh my god oh oh i call pussy dude oh my god catching two and making them fight for the survival yes winner leaves loser goes to jail uh these are more good ideas you still catch the guy that we're just kidding we want to see you guys fight you're both going to jail wow wow jay when's your special coming out special is coming out uh February 20th 20th so thursday when does this hell yeah is it out already this should be out tomorrow or wednesday yeah yeah it should be out on tuesday actually we could wait a week if you want it's up to you guys whatever your schedule is um whatever should be out yeah double crowd work album them they first have them coming out out February 20th, and then a month later.

Hell yeah.

I think we're premiering the second part at Moon Tower.

Where'd you film it?

Denver, Comedy Works.

Oh, fuck yeah.

That's sick. That's great.

Yeah, that's going to be awesome.

Any rumors going forward?

Yeah, I hope so, man.

I don't watch anything or edit anything.

That's one way to do it.

Yeah.

I turn it over to other people, and I go, hey, you guys.

Well, I always figure, too, I'm like, well, you guys will know what you're laughing at. Yeah.
It's like me, I'm going to go. All I'm going to look at, I go, yeah, that was pretty funny.
But like, why am I built like that? Those are the questions I always ask. I know.
I am selfishly like, let's just get rid of that entire camera, that angle. Because I look like a blimp.
Let's just do head on from above the entire special. Yeah, can we get a single camera shot and never decide? They were one of them on my first ever, the hour special live at Webster Hall I did.
I didn't put any input into that. And I mean, they had a camera that seems like the job of the camera was to shoot me low from diagonal behind and swing around to the front of me.
To really give you my entire way too long across profile.

Perfect.

It's like, oh, you know what?

Shoulder to shoulder, this guy doesn't look that bad.

And then he starts turning around and he goes, oh, my God.

Oh, there's too much happening in the front.

Yeah, it's a disaster.

It's a crazy game.

I chose to sit like a dummy.

And I never think, every time I go, I go, go and remember when you sit especially on like a taping like back straight like sit on the stool but like have like your back straight and then it's like how many seconds later before you're just like so is this your girlfriend yeah i think about it the whole time i'm on stage because i slouch like crazy yeah and i'm just and then if they watch you make the shoulders back moved like someone's been talking to them yeah he's has to hear peace i do it the whole show because it's now i'm doing the round so it's like the half the other the whole audience is seeing my hunched over back and the weird thing i do with my hand behind my back which i never thought anyone was gonna see the whole time i'm going like this behind like it's really fucked up it sounds like i'm being conversational but you can tell i'm obviously like internally like you know fuck i had somebody dm me like what were you doing hand signals i wanted to know what the hand signals meant i was like no it's's just. Dude, I've done a couple of these arenas with you now.
And so they've all been great. And I sit on a stool, which maybe I have to consider not doing.
It's just more of a, I like it. It's been good.
I think it's fun. And it's worked well at the time.
It's worked well at all of them. But the last one we did was Seattle, I think I was with you.
That was the only time I was like, I just chose a side and went with it. And then towards the end, the last five or six minutes of it, every time there was a down moment, in my own speaking, you go, guys, you know what's crazier? Turn around! Like a guy.
But I mean, it was just like... But then you're like, I not doing it for him you just don't want to do it for the one guy turn around yeah you lose all control if you're like yes sir and you spun around yeah you lose all control get a swivel bar stool they're all aware I can hear each individual comment yeah change your pants your whole thing sucks ah this sucks fuck you it sucks in those arenas you can hear every single person there's so many people so someone's gonna be like fuck you turning around to be like what did you say sitting back down to me that would hurt I was talking to the guys what's that okay I thought so you're just dad in the back of the car excuse me shut up, knock it off.
Excuse me? Shut up back there. Okay, okay.
Last night I was talking to the Are You Garbage guys about it, and they were talking about a thing they don't like doing, and I was like, yeah, I mean, I thought I was like, I'm done with Trump. I'm going to stop doing Trump.
First show I did one minute in, a guy was like, do Trump right now. I was like, all right, I guess I'm doing Trump for the rest of my fucking career.
Yeah, they yell out. You can hear them.
Are you sick of doing it? Trump? No. I love doing it.
Yeah, the material keeps coming. Yeah.
Yeah, I got to. Well, this will be out hopefully by the time SNL gets announced.
So I'm going to host SNL. And in my head, it's like, I don't know what to say for my monologue.
Like, I'm already like, oh, shit. Because they tell you you're hosting pretty quick.
You have like two weeks. Really? Like, oh, fuck, what am I going to say? And I was like, yeah, fuck it.
Trump will say something. He'll say something.
Yeah. That week.
He's going to work on his house. He'll just fucking make fun of that.
He's going to do something next week. Do you have to walk a line at all, like, not making fun of him too much? Yeah, like doing that i think that sucks well it's just also obvious i think when comedians go out there and just every single comedian on earth is like fuck trump but not even like that but i mean like do you think he sees like no he doesn't know who i am but i'm saying like does he see it as like an homage do you know i'm saying like it's all how people take it Some people say like you're making fun of him just by doing the impression Other people are like you're doing a great impression Of him so it's such a funny thing Like what do you think he thinks that's a good question Yeah like I wonder if he saw it if his initial Reaction would be like I guarantee he would not like it He wouldn't like it Yeah he might get amused like a Roman senator Yeah Yeah maybe't know.
I don't know. I've never seen him react to anyone doing an impression of him.
That's true. I don't think anyone responds really well to that.
If somebody does any impression. Yeah, it's not your favorite thing.
I didn't know that. The first time when we had Everlast on Bonfire a couple years back, Burt Kreiser was in the studio with us.
It was me and Dan still on the show. And I was like, oh, you know, it'll be really funny.
I go, when Everlast gets here, let's go around the room and everybody do your impression of, what's the girl's name? He was like, somebody got pregnant from a guy named Tom. Yeah, yeah.
And then when Bert came in, he was like, oh, dude, I wouldn't do that. I was like, why? He goes, just goes just musicians take themselves really seriously like he won't think it's funny he's gonna be weird about it and like and he was almost giving me Bert was giving me like a read the room thing he's like so like just I wouldn't do it and got me in my own head where I was like yeah I'm not I won't even bring it up and then when Everlast came in after talking for a little bit he was very was like, hey, we have a guitar, man, here if you want to play a song or anything.

And Bert goes, oh, oh, if you play a song, I swear to God, I'll get butt naked right now.

And I was like, yeah, brilliant.

I'm like, Bert, you told me to read the room on that.

He doesn't want to hear an impression of himself.

But you think one of the top Mount Rushmore of Wiggers wants his payment for doing something he already doesn't want to do to be a man gets naked in the room?

You read the room, Bert.

He's like, oh, I'll get naked if you do.

Hey, dude, great news.

I'll get naked if you do something.

You're probably cool with the nudity of men, right?

That's so funny.

Hey, you grew up in a culture that's pretty like fucking awesome with gay shit that's such a funny move i'll get totally naked but the fact that he had the sense it's the outward like he knew he's like yeah that would not be a good thing like he needs somebody to go bert i don't think uh everlast wants to see you naked as a reward punishment or, or otherwise. Just the idea of that.
It's like a girl saying, I'll show your tip. I know exactly how Bert said it, too.
They're like, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah.
Like, hey, here's a deal. If you do the thing we're asking, I will do something that no one's asked for.
I love it, though. Get naked for Everlast.
It's so funny. Foreverlast, yeah.
Oh, man. What happened happened did he get naked no and everlast didn't play a song i mean i didn't even pursue the question i'm going to play a song more because when burt made that offer i was like now i don't now i don't have to go hey we'd still like you to play a song like i promise that won't happen it was more like well everlast thanks for hanging out and uh being here oh man that's so funny i gotta show you that episode of tires what your episode

oh yeah i should have it we can watch it here in a second hell yeah you want to wrap it up