Ep 548 - Bowl of Meat (feat. Kevin Ryan & H. Foley)

Wow Wow Wes oh yeah Wow well welcome to the show here we are again here we are hey guys okay you guys just threw it a neutral real quick oh yeah it's got real dick cabin yeah we like to you know you can bring them down a highbrow real highbrow followers like it so yeah talk about uh we're gonna touch on a few topics today we're gonna touch jacking off for about one hour and that's That's it. That's the only topic.

All he's going to talk jacking off for about one hour. That's it.
That's the only topic. He's going to go over his exercise regimen the next half hour.
We're going to talk about exercising. Talk about crock pots.
Crock pots, yeah. Speaking of, I need you to fire that thing up.
I got the broth in the fridge. I was thinking about your stew all last night.
I was like, I wonder if you put it on right now. I didn Yeah.
Are you cooking here? Well, yeah, I'm trying. Are you really? Yeah, last night I had a bowl of meat.
Sounds like a homeless guy. A bowl of baked meat.
I got a bowl of meat and bacon and eggs this morning. All right.
Some spinach in there. I'll kill you.
But the bowl of meat's good. What does that mean? What were you salt and pepper? I mean, I take a ground beef.
Hamburger meat? Yep. Then sprinkle some cheese on there, put it in a bowl, pour hot sauce on it.
Texas chopped cheese. It's so good.
That is good. I don't care what anyone says.
No, that's great. That's delicious.
It's my type of meal. You do the whole thing, the whole pan? I mean, you leave some in there for a little.
And then you go, you know what? Who am I kidding? I'm going to finish that fucking pan right now. I love the fact that all these fitness guys are now coming around on hamburger meat.
Yeah. That's what it's all about.
Yeah, fitness guys like me? Yeah. I know.
All those guys on the internet, they're like ground beef or grass-fed organic ground beef is great for you.

I knew that since the 80s.

I've been a big ground beef guy.

I'm not paying off.

I'm telling everybody.

If that's what happens, I would lay off it.

I'm paying off big time.

I really did always wonder why it was so much cheaper than the other meat.

I'm like, it's just you're chewing it up anyway.

Why does it matter if it's pre-ground?

Yeah, I don't know. I was big on that forever.
Yeah, I would get ground meat and be like, dude, nobody you're chewing it up anyway. Why does it matter if it's pre-ground? Yeah, I don't know.

I was big on that forever.

Yeah, I would get ground meat and be like, dude, nobody knows about this.

Grass-fed, grass-finished, baby.

Let's go.

Oh, yeah.

Grass-fed hamburger helper.

Oh, don't get me started.

That was my move back in high school.

Come home from wrestling practice.

My mom had a fucking hamburger helper stroking off sitting on the table.

Big glass of milk, go to town. Yeah, I was a bagel bite guy.
I would microwave like 24 bagel bites. That's the outer rim was just cold.
Yeah. And I would eat all of them and I would dip them in SpaghettiOs every day.
Whoa. So I watch Pokemon with my little brother.
I used to love SpaghettiOs and a peanut butter and jelly with it. Yo, I would dip the peanut butter and jelly in the SpaghettiOs.
That was a couple days ago. Did you fuck with the Meatball SpaghettiOs or how did you fuck? I did.
We fucked with them. Yeah, I liked it.
They were pretty big. I didn't roll out of the can.
I just couldn't, when I was a kid, I couldn't do the Beefaroni. Something about it creeped me out.
I didn't like the thickness of the Nudies. The Nudies were a little slimy.
Yeah, they were too thick. I agree.
It was too bucatini for me. I'm an angel hair man.
Dude. When that shit hit the, when that angel hair hit the households, in dirtbag households in the 90s, we thought we were fucking from Sicily.
Thought we were the Medici or whatever. It's angel hair.
You're like, what the fuck? Medici family eating fucking SpaghettiOs. I remember getting real mad at my mom.
After she busted out the angel hair once, then she'd go to the regular spaghetti. I'd be like, why? Yeah.
Did I do something wrong? Why aren't we getting angel hair? Is angel hair more expensive somehow? It might have been when they hit the scene. It was fancier.
I don't know why. It's so much better.
So much better. It's crazy.
Sexual. Angel hair was kind of sexual.

It was.

For some reason it was.

Maybe that's why the parents were.

It's for side chicks.

True.

Especially at your house.

I bet the boys went straight upstairs.

Yeah, my mom would get the laundry basket that week and be like, good God.

Yeah, that's the angel hair.

It was just like dumping rocks out of a dumpster.

That's for the horniest brothers.

It's not stuff.

All in one bedroom.

Yeah, me and my brother in one bedroom.

I like it.

It is sexy, man.

A little olive oil and garlic.

You don't see it out of restaurants either.

It's all this bucatini, all this shit.

We don't, you know, we're trying to get laid.

It's all fettuccine, which you brought it up.

That's that side piece shit.

The fettuccine Alfredo.

If you're at the dinner with a girl and she orders the blackened chicken pasta,

she's a whore. She's a fucking wh whore this is based off one experience he's had when he was waiting tables like this dude rolled in this girl was such a whore whored by chicken Alfredo and then like that's what my mom eats and now I can't look at her the same I will say fettuccine yeah I'm looking at my mom I'm like what the fuck fettuccine Alfredo is slut slop yeah Yeah, it's for sure.
What's some other slut slop? I think any kind of like pesto. They fuck with.
Really? No, it's definitely fettuccine. It's fettuccine or no.
What's the other one? The cheese filled noodles. Ravi tortellini.
Tortellini are for dumb bitches. Just get the ravioli, you skank.
I take back Pesto. Although that might be graduated.
That might be elevated. Slut.
Yeah. Once you get off.
Yeah. I think filet mignon's kind of got that rap too.
With sluts. Yeah.
Some broad will think she knows what she's doing. She'll get it.
I'm a slut. And get it like medium.
Well, what'd you say? I guess I'm a slut. Oh, I'm always taking off Raydo and flaming.
I'm always full. Guys, you need it.
It's good for guys. You have muscles and guys.
It's okay. It's for hot dudes only.
It's for hot dudes and giant sluts. They get that like a cranberry juice.
You fucking dirty Ew. You're on your period eating fettuccine

and frito.

Flaming your honey cranberry juice.

That's what I say.

That also sounds like you're on a date

with a 16 year old.

Can I get a lid on this please?

It's not even at your table.

It's like you nasty little slut over there.

Mac and cheese in a Shirley Temple.

Now you're speaking my language. Yeah.
Although this is a dirt. This is a bunch of a dirt bag.
I am. I've never had the upgraded mac and cheese that touched the shit in the box.
Never. Once in Philly, Cotton got a platter delivered.
He's got the inside. He's got black mac that's black mac dude black mac forget about it

black mac's different I had a first class education

on that shit because we did Cotton's

bachelor party and I like went out and bought

all this stuff we did like a little grill barbecue

I must have bought about

$400 worth of store bought potato salad

and it was all his boys from the neighborhood

and nobody touched it

and after like an hour I pulled one of them

aside and I was like

how come no one's eating the fucking potato salad? And he's like, black people don't fuck with store-bought potato salad. Yeah, man.
I swear to God, I think they put vibranium in their mac and cheese. Dude, I have to like take my wife aside.
We go somewhere like my parents' house or something. It'll be like bleach blonde American cheese on on noodles and like i'll have to like take her outside to like all right dude you can like scream out here she gets she gets fucked up she's like what is this and i'm like a bunch of people it's american cheese and milk on store bought potato salad being like garlic to vampires to black people next time you go to an unruly neighborhood, have some.
Be like... Were you Velveeta or Kraft growing up? Kraft was going on.
I think Velveeta was one of those things that was in my friend's house that I snuck into the shopping cart. I some Velveeta.
And my mom was like, get this shit the fuck out of here. Because Velveeta had their angle was it's not powder.
It's real. It's the real cheese.
But what kind? What was that? It was like just a bad. Just a bag of fucking cheese.
We were huge Velveeta when I was real young. It was in a huge block.
Yeah. And you could never wrap up the end airtight enough.
So you had to go through. It was like Normandy.
You had to get like the first couple of waves of fucking hard, dried cheese to get to the good shit. I remember my mom when shit was tight.
She'd be like, just eat it. We'll be like fucking eating fucking drywall.
Suck. It was the first time you had Velveeta.
It is kind of like a revelation. Yeah.
What the fuck? Nothing else. My house doing nothing else.
My stepmom introduced me to it and it was like i looked at my mom i'm like you gotta pick it the fuck up you are i'm about to move into dad's house for good i will leave you too yeah chips and cheese just melting american cheese on chips was big and then my friend was like really hit me with the velveta and i was like bro yeah although i feel like velelveeta was kind of indicative of like a problem.

Like usually if there was a Velveeta house, there was like marital strife.

Oh, yeah.

There's a couple holes in the wall.

Yeah.

There was a couple holes in the wall.

They were trying to buy back that kid's love.

Yeah.

For sure.

A little Dunkaroo action.

There was always that one kid that you were friends with that you knew there was trouble

in a house that when they would offer you to eat over, you'd be like, nah, I'm good.

I'm going to go home.

I will say the single mother household had snacks. Oh, where you could find Dunkaroos.
Good snack. Fuck yeah.
She's treating her little man right. Yeah.
Well, she was subservient to the son. The son would be like, no, mom, give me the Dunkaroos.
Some random dude leaving with a work truck out front. Name like Ron or something.
I see you guys in your last Dunkaroo. Fuck was the funfetti one you know my cousin snorted pixie sticks in a single bomb basement like there was like we're at a friend's house a single bomb and he just started just railing lines for pixie sticks my cousin he developed a drug problem i would have to assume he dabbled he bounced hard he dabbled he dabbled he was a dabbling man He's sorting pixie sticks

You know

Something in the air

Something in the air

Single mother house

You go

I gotta do something

In this basement

No one can stop me here

There's only a woman

You know

There's no paw

There's no paw

To rain down on you

Some house painter

Every couple of weekends

Showing up

You ain't gonna say shit

He's all about it

Dude I'm telling

I've talked about this before

But I'll never forget it

When we were at our

Friend's house

It was just his mom

And he had these

Walkie talkies

And I swear to god This actually happened We're like fucking around He's like if I go to a certain channel It picks up my mom's phone conversation What? And we picked up a phone conversation Of his mom Complaining that the guy Wouldn't sleep with her And we were all like Oh Just turn it off right away oh shut it off one dude we were looking for porn at my buddy's house one time or weed or something we were looking for something that a 13 year old's looking for yeah and we were going through and we looked at my one buddy was looking under the bed dude it pulled out a like a shop like one of those like plastic shopping bags just full of dildos and like whips and, dude, what is this? And there was like five of us. We're like, ah! The kid's like, put that back, put that back.
Like, God damn, dude, why do you have us going under your mom's bed? This is crazy. What did you expect us to find? I feel like you had to do that shit in the summer.
Whatever house you were at and there was no one home, you tossed the place like the arena. Like you're on a warrant, dude like a no not cutting open pillows dude dumping out fucking coffee and shit fucking stethoscope on the wall going around my my brother claims that i you know i've reason to believe it's true but he said he like his friend had like you know you'd have like you would like copy vhs's off of like tv or whatever he had some sort of blank tape that they had like a movie on and they want to like put it in to watch it.
And his mom and her new boyfriend had recorded a sex tape and like recorded over what had been there. So they like they watch the first 10 minutes.
Then it was just his mom giving up from three minutes of coach to fucking anal real quick. Oh, your mom giving head.
Just head, bro. On an old VHS.
That's worse than. I know.
That's brutal. That's like the worst thing you can see.
Mom giving head. That's it.
What would you prefer to see your mom receiving doggy or giving head? I hate to say doggy. Yeah.
They're still up a little for imagination. Obviously, it's POV.
He's going dirty cameraman. You're like, yeah, that's a fucking nail.
That's a mission, though. That's back in the day.
That's a heavy-ass fucking camera. It's an upper body strength.
If he drops it, she's dead. That's like a news camera.
Like April O'Neil. Damn, yeah, I didn't even think about that.
That is a big cam. Oh, the biggest.
Yeah, if they were doing it back then they were real freaks yeah you gotta set up a tripod and all that kind of stuff yeah it was crazy being that freaky back then took a lot of gear yeah like you couldn't just like have a cell you know now you can just have like a cell phone sure maybe be live streaming out to people whatever but like yeah that sucks porn moms that's a that's gonna be a hard wave of of kids growing up with only fans moms oh i mean yeah it's just none of them yeah man because back i used to work at uh fucking the i used to work in the photo department at a supermarket pretty cool guy at the time you know what i mean and that was anytime you like a girl would drop off film you were really hoping there was naked pictures on there. Was there ever? Nope.
Not once. Fresh freshman year, I worked at a West Coast video.
And if you're not familiar with West Coast video, they had the room in the back with the fucking beads. You paid a couple of visits.
What? You worked. I used to look at the box and jerk off to the memory of the cover.
I remember one was called Heinfeld. It was a Seinfeld spoof.

That's nice.

Hot.

Yeah.

Kramer had a hog on him.

But this kid worked there and his mom, single mom worked there, too.

They both worked there.

And you could see what everybody took.

Like, you know, you get to take your movies home a week.

No lie.

This kid's mom rented time for an ass fucking, too.

And he was time for an ass fucking for the next four years in high school. That's tough.
Hated us. Damn.
Time for an ass fucking. This is early 90s.
Yeah, that's terrible. She rented it knowing her son worked there.
Yeah. Didn't give a shit.
I mean, it was time for an ass fucking. It's time.
You see the big hand in the small it's time. It's fucking fucking.
It's fucking somewhere. My boy's dad owned a bunch of independent, not like a chain, not like West Coast.
It was just like epic video or whatever. There was a couple of movies.
But then Blockbuster came in and he had to close up, but he kept all the porn from like five locations. And it was all in the basement.
And for years, we'd go over for years i had no idea that's everything we're down the basement and there's just wall-to-wall boxes my buddy like fall as i got have a movie like falls into one and it just like spills out all over these like like that whole box is porn he's like these are all porn imagine that we do we robbed the shit out of them yeah imagine that you're spending the whole summer jerking off to Southern Living and you got the fucking treasure of Sierra Madre downstairs. Gazonga's three and Lust at Sea we took.
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that was the big thing they got up to 14. it was a spoof on psycho and it was called the butts motel that's pretty good that's a thinker though yeah the knife was the knife was a dildo in the shower it was pretty good yeah it's crazy they made porn funny back then i know and they also spent i don't know who they they had, the writers.
And I know it was like my hormones were pumping. But, man, the storylines, you'd be like fucking pre-coming when she's talking.
Like, oh, he's not coming back for a while. And the maids are here.
Oh, I got a feeling where this is headed. I'm still a bit of a story head.
Love it. I need it.
I kind of need a little bit. If it's just like smash cut to insertion, I'm like, bro, build me up.
A little seduction. Stepdad, stepdaughter have to share a hotel room.
Hello. Bro.
Man. Share bed might be one of my favorites.
Share bed is nice. Share bed is.
I'll be honest. I was on share bed very early.
Really? Before it was like people were talking about it. And I was like, this is wrong.
Yeah, it's so normal. Before the stepmom genre, like early on, I got a shared bed video, and I kept going back to the well on that.
You thought it was wrong. And I was like, this is insane.
This is, yeah, shared stepson and stepmom on vacation. That was pre-stuck? It was pre-stuck.
It was very early. Dude, my buddy was like everyone's not afraid to admit they're jacking off the incest porn and I was like, oh, thank God.
Thank fucking God. It's all step.
It's step. Or they'll claim step and then in the video they won't say step sister.
I'm your mom. Let me jack you off.
Yeah, you're like, alright. Come on now.
False advertisement. Yeah.
Stuck didn't. I thought stuck was going to have a moment.
I thought that was goofy. And it didn't.
Sam. Couldn't do it.
Really? I thought Stuck definitely had a moment. Stuck didn't get me.
I thought it was going to be the next big thing, and I feel like it. I feel like it is.
I feel like I've never heard a comedian not talk about Stuck porn. I think it exists.
I think you opened the floodgates. I didn't hear about it until you said it.
Well, Matt, don't put this on me. You're really advocating for it.
Put stuck and death porn on me, bro. Freak zero, Shane Gillis.
And who knows you love Notre Dame and you love stuck porn. Notre Dame and stuck porn.
I have a believability issue. You better do a new Under Armour stuck porn commercial.
In the shared beds, the mom always slept it away. Like her like her ass was always fucking what are you doing yeah oh you're hard i can help you with that i go what the hell's going on it's always like well just because we need sleep you know what i mean it was like we have to get to bed so let me do that i told you we have a big day tomorrow you know what i mean so motherly yeah i uh i've been off the porn i don't i don't want to i don't want to just shoehorn this into every discussion I've been off since January good for you are you thinking clearer yeah you get harder over less for sure you get kind of like high school kind of boner type things scrolling is a trigger for me because my fucking my twitter feed and my search page on Instagram is just bad news.

I'll catch something and I'll just be like, all right,

and then fucking right to fucking you porn.

Yep.

The alone Instagram can draw one loose.

Especially alone in a hotel.

You know what I have now?

You know those things you strap to your head and there's a ball on a string and you punch it?

I have one of those and I do that at night.

You're super gluing your eyes closed.

You know what I'm talking about?

Dude, those things are awesome.

I'm not really... ball on a string and you punch it.
I have one of those and I do that. You're super gluing your eyes closed.

You know what I'm talking about?

Dude, those things are awesome.

That's what I do.

It's so hard not to jack off

shadow boxing in a hotel.

I'm not fucking crazy.

I'm horny as fuck.

I better shadow box in my fucking hotel room.

The noise, you can probably hear it.

It still sounds like you're jacking off. Dude, it was effective.
It does calm you down, though, because you get the willies. After a show, you're like, I want to do something bad.
Of course, yeah. What do you mean? You want to eat something bad.
Drink drugs, eat something. Yeah, you want to do something fucked up.
Yeah. So I just punched the ball.
I just fucking... You're in adrenaline.
You want to hurt yourself. Exactly.
Yeah. Dude, the older I get, the more I kind of can see.
Remember hearing about those guys that have like hookers rub their backs? And that's it. Yeah.
Yeah, I've heard of those guys. I can see it now.
I'm like, dude, I used to like laugh when I was younger. Like, why the fuck would anyone do that? Now I'm like, nah, I kind of.
Definitely. That was a hug.
Right on. Yeah.
Some hug. Yeah, a hug.
Some nice words. I words like talking to a lady put you to sleep that'd be nice maybe a front behind with a chris hansen just a front behind my hotel room and i go what are you doing here you know i'm only 12 right a 37 year old man what are you doing with a ball hanging from his forehead?

That's the part I'm leaving out.

There's just four like very cheap hookers.

I'm standing on.

You're showing them.

I'm standing on their butts like a BOSU ball.

Yeah, I mean, dude, I wish women would be cool about hookers, honestly.

You know what I mean?

Like, why are they so uptight about hookers? Yeah. Wives and hookers could be a team.
And instead, they have to be enemies. I don't know why.
I agree. What's all the fighting about? There's enough of me to go.
What a catch you are, huh? Plenty of bagel bites for everybody, girls. Knock this off.
They could team up. I got a whole brick of Velveeta.
It's like watching a nature documentary when you see one of the wildebeest go down. There's a million wildebeest.
It's like, dude, you guys could help, but you're too dumb to figure this out. His hookers and wives just got together.
The wildebeest could link. That's what I'm saying.
Isn't it weird? Nature documentaries, the way they present it, they can really twist your view of like, say it's a baby wildebeest and it's a lion. You're like rooting for the wildebeest to get away.
But then other times you're rooting for the predator. The way they spin it.
They spin it like crazy. And then they set up cameras and then they add noises and they give the animals like human-like traits.
Or if they talk about like, you know, like I just watched one on polar bears. And it was like a mom and two baby polar bears.
And they really had me. Stuck jacking off immediately.
It says polar bears. To ones I made.
Oh, dude, I forgot. We're saying it in Airbnb.
He walked down the other day out of his bedroom. He's like, I'm going upstairs for a little bit.
Comes up close

to the door. Comes down and just immediately

starts washing his hands. And I'm like, dude,

you couldn't make that any more

blatant what you just did up there.

Dude, you couldn't hear him

scrolling. He's working on the car.
What are you talking about?

He came right down. What's

up? No shirt on. What's up, guy? Like, you just had

sex. He's like, what's up? I was filling up the rental car with washer fluid.

That is the worst.

You're like, ah, I think I'm going to take a nap.

Ten minutes later, you come out.

You go, I couldn't sleep.

Got them.

They're drilling next door.

I couldn't hear nothing.

Immediately gets up to me.

I got a huge stain right below my stomach.

He was giving you college roommate questions.

He's like, what are you going to do?

I'm going to go take a nap.

What are you going to do? Are you going to hit the calf or something I got to shut it down. I'm just dying for a nap.
I'm so tired. I don't like down here, too.
They get in your business. How do you get on Pornhub down here? What are you guys doing? I get why you get off it now.
Yeah, man. You just got to go on the old school ones.
What are you supposed to do? Put your email address in or something like that? Just don't do it. It's like the opposite.
No, don't go on the government. It's like the opposite.
It's like when you're younger and you need to get an older person to buy you alcohol. You got to ask the kids.
You're like, yo, what are you guys all jerking off? Yo, what's your email address but no you just gotta like remember old porn sites and that's what you just x videos is cool x videos yep yeah it's just porno porno you can't go on i'm a. I just never.
Did you guys ever have a password back in the day to like a Pornhub?

There was a Brazzers password.

It was like 14 sites you could get.

Huge dude.

With Dex videos, it's weird because down here the porn is, I don't know,

now mine's all like Latinos and Mexicans because we're close.

I think that's what you're into.

Yep.

Isn't that interesting?

That's the LAD algorithm.

It's the algorithm. Yeah, that's kind of what's in demand right now.
I can roll with that. Exactly.
Toad it. Let's go.
It's great. Those passwords and shit like that, our dads is who got fucked up by that.
All that kind of stuff in the pop-ups. Yeah.
My dad literally went through five laptops in like a six-month period. don't know it's crazy it's coming up my mom's like what the fuck yeah it sucks coming upon like some if you hit like a desktop and you like see the service they don't they didn't know about search history no so you could see the search history and be like god old man what are you searching boobs like a fucking eighth grader.
Something about my dad. I was like, dude, old man, what are you doing? Searching boobs like a fucking eighth grader.

Something about my dad. I was like,

dude, we know you're

fucking the... How are you talking about?

He's fucking fucking...

Dude, you watch your porn.

Come on, man. My dick's a lot bigger now,

though, really.

Really? No, I'm saying you got some

ad. You click the ad.

Dick pills. I've added five to seven inches.
I'm about to fucking mature lady in my area. Joke's on you, asshole.
I'm about to fuck a bunch of locals. We're about to joke all together with someone.
Yeah, with someone. I want to know if that's ever worked out for anybody.
I don't know a single person who's hit, like, the Does it work, Lamair? Lamair's an internet hound. I always search things out.
Does it work? Sometimes. Sometimes what works? Like those fine local single girls? I go to Reddit.
You can just find people on Reddit. You can find girls on Reddit? God damn, man.
Yeah, Reddit's like the new Craigslist, kind of. These kids.
The marriage is like 48. These creeps, I meant.
I'm sorry. That's cool what you did, Reddit.
I had it work out one time. You know the numbers that you call and you can talk to a lady? Mm-hmm.
I was able to convince her. I was like, well, we should meet up.
And I ended up meeting up with her. What? Yeah.
She didn't look anything like she described. A 1-900-vixen? Do you think you looked like what you described? 6'6", Latino dude.
She looked like shit. Anyway.
I don't know if you can handle this. She looked like she'd been sitting in a dark room saying dirty words into a phone for 40 years.
Yeah, we think she's the hottest girl in the world. Where'd you meet? I met at her place.
What? This was in... Just hearing you come up the steps.
He stopped at a landing. He's just breathing heavy.
Oh, no way. What the fuck? Hey, guys.
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Hey, and just like that guys, don't forget. We also do standup comedy.
All right. I know you guys love the pod.
Don't forget. You can come check us out of fucking show, dude, by the way, just got my motherfucking haircut.
Just like that. I know you guys are going, God damn, that motherfucker is a motherfucker.
That's a cheat. Guys, I'll run down the list.
Go to ShaneMGillis.com. I know he's got a couple shows coming up.
Manchester, England, man. That's going to be a big one.
Go to Manchester. You hear that, you British fucks? You motherfuckers.
Guys, go to Manchester and go check out, you know, go check out all those shows. Um, I'll also be in the comedy castle, real Oak, Michigan, and it's in danger of selling out.
So I'm not just saying that it's true. Uh, funny bone Omaha.
We could use some tickets there. Not going to lie.
Laugh out loud. Comedy club, San Antonio, Texas, uh, Cobbs comedy club, uh, suck on my motherfucking cob in San Antonio, Texas.
Cobb's Comedy Club, Suck on my motherfucking Cobb in San Francisco, California. Crest Theater, Sacramento, California.
We'll see how that goes. Then the Neptune Theater, Seattle, Washington.
And I have a couple other dates coming up, but we'll see. But yeah, go on and get yourself some motherfucking tickets.
Pardon the interruption. Hello, everybody.
This is Sean Gardini. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be doing stand-up comedy in Las Vegas, Nevada at Wise Guys Comedy Club this Friday, February 28th and Saturday, March 1st.
Me and Nate Marshall will be at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Las Vegas, Nevada. Please come if you can.
Tickets are at SeanGardini.com. Please, for the love of God, come if you can.
And go see La Merrilee on the road as well this weekend. In Cincinnati, Pennsylvania, and a lot of other places, tickets are available at LaMerrilee.fun.
And Optimum Noctis is next week, Tuesday, March 4th at the Creek in the Cave. Please come.
SeanGardini.com. SeanGardini.com.
SeanGardini.com. Please come.
There'll be fun shows. And that's a Gardini guarantee.
Thank you. Pardon the interruption.
Can you tell the story of going through the yoga ball? Or the exercise ball? This one was pretty bad, too. I think about this story constantly.
This chick, she lived in the Thomas Jefferson houses in the Bronx. And I went up there.
And it was a bad... There was just a dude sleeping on her couch.
And her kids were there. What? And we went in the room.
I stayed overnight. It was bad.
There were so many roaches in there and it was it was a bad there was just a dude sleeping on her couch and her kids were there and we went in the room i stayed overnight it was bad there were so many roaches in there and i just seen this documentary about roaches crawling in somebody's ear and screaming and i was a sweet life you were living at the time i was so bugged out and the kids were so sweet and i remember like we were in there we hooked up jesus christ yeah i was i thought for like a week that this was a sign from God that I was supposed to like marry this woman and save her and the kids. I just never talked to her again.
But for a couple of days, I really thought like I had like a sign from God. But I remember she's like, let's get the kids out of the house or whatever.
And they were like, can we go to the store or whatever? I'm like, yeah. And I had like, you know, a couple of 20s on me.
Then the dude on the couch comes in. He's like, oh, can I grab something to just keep him at 20? And then they came back with like Chinese food or something.
And we all ate as a family. That's awesome.
And then watched Kung Fu Hustle and went to sleep. And I slept with toilet paper in my ears because I didn't want the roaches to crawl.oner yeah i'm sorry i'm talking about on the chinese food run you bang yeah on the chinese food run i just had a similar like horrific horny story when i like i remember i was at a strip club met a stripper whole thing changed numbers i'm like yes i could finally date a stripper this would be so sick and i went to her a nine-month-old infant there.
And I was like, all right. I think we might have kissed.
Yeah, that's a good kiss, though. She would just dip the pacifier in sweet and sour McDonald's sauce and put it in the baby's mouth.
And I was like, dude, this is fucking dark. Holy shit.
And then there were trans prostitutes above. She told me this.
And they were like making a ruckus up there. They were up there banging around.
She was like, yeah, dude, they'll set up shop in the hallway. I'll just hear like, dong, dong, dong, against the door and open up, and one of them was getting piped out in the hallway.
She's like, we can get upstairs, you guys, and they're like, shut the fuck up. It was rugged, man.
That's when you get a taste, and you're like, I'm going to scale it back a little, not at all Shots you out of it Not at all The yoga ball story I was living in A studio apartment in Queens This is towards the end Of my first run in New York Before I moved home to Philly And did comedy I was doing a lot of blow My brother had like Got engaged And moved out of the apartment That we lived And I was by myself And it was bad I was working at this place I was doing a lot of blow. My brother had gotten engaged and moved out of the apartment that we lived, and I was by myself, and it was bad.
I was working at this place. I was doing blow.
And maybe like six months in, it was like a nice little apartment on the first floor. It just had been redone, had all the stuff in there.
I was making a go of it. I got bed bugs, and I had to throw out everything in my apartment, every single thing in my apartment.
So I had a blow-up mattress that was like my bed, like in the corner.

Like, I had like a comforter and shit on this thing after I cleaned it all out.

And I had a yoga

ball for my computer where I would

fucking sit there, do blow, jerk off,

all that kind of stuff. You know,

the norm.

And I had this hooker over there

one night and fucking

I was smoking. You know, we're watching porn, obviously, and all that kind of stuff.
Obviously, that's what you do when you get this hooker over there one night and fucking I was smoking.

We're watching porn, obviously, and all that kind of stuff.

Obviously, that's what you do when you get a hooker.

And I was smoking a cigarette and I was naked and I was probably covered in like olive oil or Vaseline or something.

Completely naked.

You were ready for sex.

And I had to go in the oven at 350 for an hour. completely naked.
You were ready for sex. And, uh...

I had to go in the oven at 350 for an hour.

Poke some holes in him

and let him sweat, baby.

Now, you just want to heat him up.

He's fully cooked.

Oh, fuck.

And I just put my cigarette down

and it popped the fucking yoga ball.

And I just fucking...

And I remember she started laughing at me and she had like a deviated septum. She was like, like just snorting and laughing at me.
And man, I'm sorry about that. It's the funny.
I mean, sitting there. Smoking a cigarette.
You're at the tire as cool as you could be in that moment. You got a fucking hooker.
You're having a blast, and then boom, on the fucking ground. Did the little pin that holds the air and fly out, or did you blow it out? He claims it was the cigarette.
Obviously, it was not the cigarette. There's a weight issue? Yeah.
I wasn't this big back then. Dude, this is.
This size. Yeah, I wasn't.
How big were you? Like you were still maybe maybe 250. Yeah.
All right. That's good.
250 doing yoga. Chinese made yoga balls.
Fucking bullshit. Yeah, I was.
No way it was the cigarette. No, I think it went down went down and popped Because it blew up Like from the burn hole Really? I never thought about it I believe you Now I don't believe him at all I've never thought about it But he lies about everything It was for sure How's it going to land on a Maybe it rolled over a safety pin Or something like that Sniper in the next building Took him out him out.
It's probably the hooker's fault, honestly. It was definitely the hooker's fault.
I had some jacks sprinkled on the floor. That's right.
I had a set of spike strips in the house. I forgot.
That's why your spiked brass knuckles you were playing with at the same time. I was showing him my butterfly knife.
Yeah, pretty cool. Did you fall flat on your back? Like that? Yeah, right on my ass.
I remember my coccyx bone was sore for like two weeks after that. Have the hooker store laugh, though.
Dude, it's like a gun went off. It was like four in the morning, and I was real paranoid because I was on the first floor in the lobby, and had two doors.
Like I had two doors that entered my apartment

and like I get so cooked up.

I'd be like listening to doors to see if everybody was in there.

I was sketched out.

You want to take the romance out of the room?

Fucking pop a yoga ball

covered in olive oil.

He's a freak.

He's got fucking issues, man. He's a freak.'s got fucking issues man I ain't real dry skin I'm a freak man You're on a record What are you talking about He's gonna dish out a new room You've never been covered in pam spray before Yeah Yeah Did you ever get a new room massage A what a new room a new room when a lady like greases herself up and just slides herself across you no have you there was a porn category that i know and it's kind of oddly catches my eye but doesn't fully get i got one in real life and it was just like an older kind of drug-addled lady just laid on me for a while in a motelel.
I was just sitting like a shitty highway motel being like, OK, I'm good on this now. She came to you.
I went there. Was that a motel? It's like a side of the highway outdoor motel.
So it wasn't really a spa per se. They typically do it on like an air mattress for like the oil.
Yeah, this is just the bed. It's just is ruining a blanket with old lady oil.
Yeah, it just ruined the bed. You're not going to get your deposit back, baby.
It was underwhelming. I thought they built it up so much on the video in the movies.
And then I was like, you know, this is a lady. I had to run her to Rite Aid afterwards for what? She had to like go buy supplies..
She had to buy hooker supplies. She's like, can you give me a ride to Rite Aid? And I was like, yeah, fine.
Hop in. Chopped her off.
Grab me some Cheez-Its when you're in there, will you? Grab me a Whitman sampler. The Rite Aid trip after? Yeah.
Fuck. I had a weird pride where I really prided myself back then on being able to like really chop it up with prostitutes I'm like no we can like chill and talk yeah I said a big thing for you prostitutes I took a yeah I had a period I took it I took it this is like I felt really nice to like sit there and just like once all the business was handled just sit and fucking chat yeah it's kind of business yeah once we settled our affairs This is concluded.
The contracts were signed. That's crazy, dude.

Like Swiss B. handle to just sit and fucking chat.
Yeah. It's kind of fun.
Yeah, once we settled our affairs. Once the business is concluded.

The contracts were signed.

That's crazy, dude.

Like Swiss businessman.

Once you get tongue-talking business, you can talk about social stuff.

That must be just insane.

I'm sure the post-not clarity for most guys is like, holy fuck, what am I doing in this

motel?

Nah, but when you got a cool one.

Matt, your post-not's like, you need a ride?

When you got a cool one, they were cool like the cool ones were cool as shit yeah like they got it like yeah you could hang out with them and shoot your shit somewhere chill yeah and you just kind of it's really tempting to be like can i just be like a guy should i just like be a security guy for you or something because you do want to get into it you're like dude i could just hang out in shitty motels what are we going to freebase cocaine i guess i've never've never done that before. I guess I could do that.
See where this goes. I get your supplies.
You'd be your guy, dude. Even Rite Aid with a fucking thing of tinfoil and baby oil.
Big night, huh? I remember when the pharmacies, they started getting the freak aisle. They didn't have that.
Now it's fucking wild. The family planning now.
They call it planning now. Wild.
The condoms, the fucking heat up lube and all that kind of stuff. Me and my wife had a meeting.
I'm going to use Astro Glide and fuck her in the butt. It's family planning.
That's the family planning aisle. We've had a long talk.
Yeah, we really thought things through and we're ready to try a cock ring. They saw cock rings and fucking CVS.
It's crazy. No way.
It's like it's just a lube. It's lube condoms.
And then they have the vibrating cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They have cock rings. Yeah, it's like a vibrating pregnant unless she comes, you know, right next to the dental floss.
True. Dang, I got a bus one.
I got to bust out a vibrating cock ring. I haven't bust one of those out.

It's been a while.

It's been a while since I...

Possibly a decade.

You've used one of those?

Oh, for sure.

Really?

I thought we were joking.

How'd it go?

Pretty amazing, honestly.

Probably made you...

Wait, it's down at the shaft, shaking?

It just goes down there and buzzes.

It seems like it makes sense, right?

Dude, if you want to feel like an all-star, yeah.

It's just... Huh.
Your dick just becomes a a fucking dare i say a little vibrator yeah so it's just like it's just on the bottom every time you get all the way in rather than them being like they're going oh what's that yeah that's the instead of them going that's it huh i don't know i think my dick's too small for that my balls would be going back and forth like one of those things on a desk. That wouldn't be a good look.
Yeah, you do. There is like a, if you lose, yeah, they're definitely not one size fits all.
So like if you get, if you lose any hardness, if that thing starts wobbling around, you just got to like pinch the fucking, you just got to give it a little twist and be like, yep, we're so good. It's filling this thing.
The fuck out. That ring's too big for you.
You got to do a dry run by yourself for sure you can't just fucking whip that out you break it out it's too big you gotta go you know what let's not even use it you gotta beat off you gotta beat off with it first you have to just test it out sure you guys did dry runs back in the day you did dry runs with condoms before the first like before you started having sex and you yeah that's called a dress rehearsal yeah that was a dress rehearsal they were fun yeah i enjoyed those that was great you get your hand you get your your hands on like lifestyles or something man gotta use it it's good stuff no mess either yeah that was yeah that was almost instinctual if you see economy like the first economy you see you use it to beat off kind of at least I did I did it a good amount more than I probably I entered an adult phase I entered like an embarrassing adult phase I'm just joking don't a second, bro. Wait, what? Don't worry about it, Kev.
I might get back in the game. McCuskey was a little freakazoid.
I was a freakazoid. Late 20s, early 30s.
That's why he's like, I'm off porn. It all makes sense to have.
I'm off to live action. I remember they were like, yeah, I remember there for like uh just like if there was like a like period thing or like sure before like there was like pill issues like if you're on the pill off like well i have condoms just in case i remember at one point they were just gone like what the fuck and i was like i beat off i genuinely did like oh my god you must be doing i was like like no i've really beat off in the bathroom yeah like on a tuesday afternoon it was uh it just took forever i remember my parents found a condom in my bedroom and it was after i had just all my guy friends sleep over oh and they were like what the fuck it's all these jock straps you can't be like mom i was jacking off i was butt fucking one of my friends we were having sex we were checking off protected gay sex with one of my buddies we were just mutually masturbating yeah condom in the room is that's devastating yeah although you you know if it's like young kids it's like people have i think i was like a senior in high school that's borderline still it's still it's like someone had that thing on them it's not like you i wouldn't jump that like my son was fucking a five-man butt fucking fest no but i mean there was no women sure true kids have them on them like we were in high school i remember you keep like a lifestyles in your wallet yeah sure it's gonna be sick no it was oh it was used it was oh yeah it's not like they found the wrapper it was a condom it was a jizz condom i threw on my bed and then lost it yeah wait so who's was it it was me i was jacking off all right i didn't know that no they didn't find a condom like my gay son I was like No it was just a used condom After an old dude sleepover And they're like What the fuck happened Oh man I was like yeah My friend Jared used it Ew Just immediately blamed the friend That's fucking wildly upsetting Yeah I was gonna say I was like Maybe it's kind of sus But I don sus.
A used cum costume. Yeah, it's cum.
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Rated M for Mature.

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Yeah, you should have said you should have like completely like, yeah, Jared did it and then someone else licked the wrapper. I tried to tell them to stop.
They're all just having sex with each other. I told him my mom's going to find this and get me very mad.
There's a piece of gum on the tip of it. Did your mom confront you or your dad? My dad.
Oh, what did he say? He's like, what the hell's going on up there? He's like, I think you left something on the floor in your bedroom. Get up there.
I was like, oh my god, it's a condo. So what? You put it on, jerked off, and then just slung it to the side in your parents' house?

It was bedtime.

I had to get my eight hours done.

You've got to get up and get rid of the evidence.

Of course.

Obviously, I'm talking about it now.

20 years later, I'm still thinking about that mistake.

What more did you have important that that fell to the third thing on the list?

Bedtime.

That's the whole beauty of it.

Were you boys in the room? Whacking off with a condom. No, no, no.
That was also, that's a CP. That's the whole beauty.
What are your boys in the room?

Whacking off with economy.

That was also,

that's a CP.

That's an early CP.

It's a CP.

That'll put you right out.

That's an early cream pie.

You take it off for sure.

Coming to economy is kind of intense

as a young man.

I remember thinking about it

and being like,

what's it going to do

when it happens?

Like, what's it going to do?

I was just like,

I was baffled by it.

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

I remember seeing a little tip

and being like,

fill that thing up. No problem..
No problem. I didn't really.
When I first saw one, I never thought that's what it was going to look like. I thought it had like straps.
I didn't understand what it was. And when I saw it, I was like, man, that that's a great design it's just a thin if I would

have been enough of research and development on condoms we'd be 30 years behind to be using lampskins oh remember those yeah somebody used to have a good job I think it was the Apollo had a good joke about that a land skin condom then you'd fuck the girl and the whole room would smell like a gyro

his straps are so

fucking yeah so I thought I thought it was like like foam and went around and it couldn't click in my brain that it was supposed to catch the stuff coming out I thought I thought it was like a knee brace like a lineman would wear like I thought it was a don joy. It was orthopedic.
That's all right. Yeah, I knew we were going to talk about cum and jacking off.
I know, I know. Did your parents ever catch you having sex in the house with anybody? No.
I got caught sucking boobs in like seventh grade. Really? That's pretty cool, though.
That age. That was pretty sick.
My dad walked down in his underwear And he's like whoa Jesus Christ

And I had like a flyers jacket unzipped and open

Just going

That one oh god

And he just left

Who was this bruiser wearing a fucking

Flyers starter jacket

That's crazy

Pick her up outside the spectrum

She was an 8th grader

Not a big deal

Finally we can brag about it

Yeah it was an 8th grader's boobs

I was sucking eighth grader. Not a big deal.
Yeah, whatever, man. Finally, we can brag about it.
Yeah, it was an eighth grader's boobs I was sucking on. I hope no one clips this.
I know. I like that.
You know, like that, too. Opened it up.
I mean, it took a while, man, watching the movie slowly, watching Jurassic Park slowly. It was like.
Time is a long zipper. It was an all the way zip down.
it was a full zip down threw a pullover it would have been crazy popping a titty out of the top sounds like someone's done it before someone's stuck titties under a starter jacket before i'm sure sure those things dude that was like that made your whole year back then like what starter jacket you got ah i had the miami hurricanes i thought that was like a sick logo i had a 76ers loved it yeah the orlando magic for some reason i had orlando magic shack shack was big yeah the charlotte who if you saw a kid in philly where it's charlotte that kid was a dirt bag that was a broken home for sure. It's funny.
You got that at Foreman Mills or something. Now you feel the obligation.
You got to stick to your teams. But for a while, it was like very fashionable to have like you could have like an Atlanta Hawks hat.
We were basically black people at that point. Yeah.
I saw a dude wearing the NBA jeans the other day. My name on them i was like dude remember then they had all the patches it was like lloyd bank used for sure yeah i was like god damn he busted them back out i don't maybe still wearing them loves the league true yeah just loves maybe no particular team just crazy sports the team yeah i learned i was on kill tony like a couple months ago, and I saw there was a black gentleman performing, and his jeans were almost all holes.
And that was kind of the latest iteration I'd seen. I was a big jersey and matching fitted kid.
Man. Very heavily influenced by G-Unit.
G-Unit got me, too. How could you not? He came in like a fucking tornado.
I know. I never got one of his, like, G-Unit.
Yeah, G-Unit got me too. How could you not? He came in like a fucking tornado.
I never got one of his G-Unit wife beaters. Those things are wild.
Fuck, those things are so good. I couldn't wear a basketball jersey.
Even as in shape as I ever was, I could not wear a fucking... I just looked bad in them.
I look like I work for the Joker. I like proper henchmen.
It was just not a good look. Yeah.
And I used to do that could pull those off. It was great.
You got to wear them at the beach. That's what it's.
That's a pro fat guy move. Yeah.
You're like, I don't have a shirt on. I just really like the team.
I made a promise to myself a long time ago. As fat as I was, as I was a kid, I'm not going to be the kid wearing the T-shirt or whatever.
Yeah. So I would take the shit off before we got to the pool and be like this is it this is me let's roll now some titties now it's like everyone wears shirts now everyone wears the spf shirts it's crazy yeah it's pretty nuts yeah those are nice they are kind of fucking nice yeah i had one in the pool a con man was hit me with those he was wearing them first when we were at the beach and i was like you look like a dumbass they bought me one one I was like these are fucking sick you don't put sunscreen on it all all you gotta do is just hit your nose yeah all the kids have one I just went I tried my shirt once in a pool and then you don't think you get out it's a regular t-shirt on you lie you're like the sun it was navy blue too it was not even like he's in there he's in there in a button down.
And I got out and then your shirt's wet. I didn't have an extra shirt.
Then you have to either take it off out of the pool, which is worse than in the pool or just hang out in a wet t-shirt. You're just like...
Yeah, the shirt in the pool is crazy, man. Especially just being wet like you were saying.
After you're done, you're just so brutal yeah the shirt in the pool is crazy man especially just being wet like you were saying after you're done you're just so so uncomfortable it's uncomfortable to swimming that's what i'm saying yeah you might like spread out a little while you're swimming look like an octopus yeah just pink that's ass gonna get dunked the fat kid wearing the shirt that's easy pickings you're going under such a brutal look i had the thought process too of like no one will know, no one will know. Yeah.
No one's going to believe that it's fat. It is because I burn easily.
Even the adults are like, look at that kid. Somebody dunk him.
I was a real fat kid growing up. My dad was a fat kid, too.
Yeah. So he just looked at me, and he's like, knock it all.
Like he was like so devastated that I was also a fat kid.

Yeah.

I learned it from you.

Yeah.

Getting called out by your parents for fucking late night snacking.

Yeah.

My mom still does that.

She'll be up.

She'll be in bed at like 830.

And if we stay at the house, I'm down there fucking rummaging through.

Are you going down there?

You're rummaging.

I'm like a grizzly bear.

My mom.

Gotta put the food in a bear bag.

Hanging outside from a tree. He's out there.
Yeah, my mom would just tell me, she's like, you got fat. She'll just look at me and be like, you put on a lot of weight.
You look kind of fat. They're vicious with that shit.
Just a dozen mince words. She'll be like, yeah, you're getting a little hefty there.
I get to, you look good. And I'm like, I'm about to die.
Like, I'll come off the road for like two weeks. My head's like this big.
She's like yeah you're getting a little hefty there i get to you look good and i'm like i'm about to die like i'll come off the road for like two weeks my head's like this big she's like you look good meanwhile like i had to go to the hospital recently because my insides hurt it all came back there he said it was probably a muscle i rolled with it for sure thought i was dying happens trying to turn it all around, though. This 2025 is the year everyone turns around.
Possibly 2026. But definitely.
Maybe 28. 28 is going to be a golden year.
28 I know is going to be good. Well, we're going to slide into probably a golden age, like as a country, in 2028 probably.
Ah, fuck that. I'm going the other way.
You think it's going to be doomed? Yeah Really? I'm riding it out

He was worried about the asteroid this morning

I'm praying for it

He's like, is this thing going to fucking hit us or not?

What are you doing in your room, man?

This is brutal conversation at fucking 9 a.m.

I'm praying for it

It's actually going to wait until 2032

Until this thing to hit us

It's 2032?

That's what they said, yeah

Are we going to use all of our missiles to blow it up?

Can't deflect it

It's past the point of deflection, they said

So I don't know what they're going to do

I think they're just going to ride it out wherever it hits

This is the first step. to do.
That's what they said, yeah. Are we going to use all of our missiles to blow it up? Can't deflect it.
It's past the point of deflection, they said. So I don't know what they're going to do.
They're just going to ride it out wherever it hits. Deal with it.
Wait, why can't they blow it up into a bunch of pieces? Armageddon, this thing. That's what I'm saying.
If we shemmy on the horn. I read something that it's too far past where we'd be able to hit it or something like that.
I also have no idea. I'm getting this from Instagram.
I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Midbeat.
You've read it. What the fuck? Yeah, I feel like, I mean, if it's still in outer space, can't we just send nukes into outer space? I don't think that shit.
I think that don't work. That thing's cooking.
That's like 28,000 miles a second. Yeah.
Bounce right off of it. Especially if it's like iron or something like that.
Oh, yeah. Fuck.
Just heats it up and it hits us harder yeah makes it angry just pisses it off now you're all in big trouble gets bigger i wonder who it's gonna hit is it's gonna all depend on the way the earth's turning yeah how big is it how big if it even hits us yeah that ain't gonna hit us they're just doing the asteroid fear cycle yeah they get me with the plane cycle dude we're in bad shape right now. God damn it.
All of a sudden, that's a flight that any of us could have been on. Minneapolis to Toronto.
Yeah. Dude, what the fuck? I know.
Everybody lived, though, so I don't know if the pilot's a hero or a fucking dumbass. Everybody walked away.
He flipped. It was like the miracle in the Hudson on on ground he just flipped it over yeah it reminds me of uh kings of tupelo where he's like they call me a retard and a dumbass yeah how the fuck did it flip he was just going a little too fast you are a retard and a dumbass i don't know if they hit the right if he overshot the runway, but it looks like he hits the right engine, immediately catches it on fire, so he bounced, and then it just flipped over, but as it flipped over, those wings came right off.
Yeah. And it was on fire, but everybody inside was cool.
They got out. Everybody got out.
Yeah, but I always take my seatbelt off early, and I think about that all the time. Even before landing, you take it...
Even before landing, you take it off? I do it every now and again, yeah. I'll be like...
That's wild. The second we touch the ground, I snap that thing off.
That's what I'm saying. The second you're proper landing.
I'll take it off. If they don't remind me to put it back on, I'll just...
My dream is to surf the flight, to stand in the aisle and surf a landing. That'd be nice.
That would be decent. But if you're the seatbelt, if you're not wearing it, you'd be the one deaf.
You know how embarrassing that would be? That's what I'm like i thought about that i'm like dude this flipped i would fall that'd be a hard fall to the ceiling yeah i would be done i'd probably take out the lady next to me and in front and behind sure all of the 88 passengers 87 unscathed one guy fucking dead here's the thing one guy dumbass said he was going to surf the landing and fucking exploded. Now, they all just jumped the other way.
But if you flip, then they're all on the ceiling in their seatbelts, and then you've got to do that thing upside down and try to, like, keep that. Nobody fucking got wrapped on that.
Which, that would be so far in my gut that I wouldn't be able to get it out. I would definitely have shit in my pants, too.
Oh, yeah. That would suck.
I saw one guy, though. There's footage of people getting out, and a guy grabs a lady's butt on the way.
I saw that. What? I think he has to get him up.
I know, but. But he grabs her in.
Yeah, on the way out. He's like, here you go.
Get out of there. He gets her on the turn.
Yeah. So it's not even like the push.
It's like he's guiding her. He guides her in, and then he fucking.
Hoink? Yeah. He gives you a little hoink.
A little bowling action. I'm pretty sure that guy was not straight, though.
We've crunched those numbers. Male flight attendant.
Asian male flight attendant, if we're being precise. Yeah, if we're being precise.
A little male cheer. He probably hasn't done his male cheerleading in a while.
We've crunched those numbers. It's been like four months where every week, every couple of weeks, it's something.
you and if you go globally i mean south korea they had like asia asia's going nuts it's been going nuts nuts yeah those airlines crazy i'm never going over there that video you see the video the one last year the guy he's filming himself the one that went into the gorge fuck pretty quick yeah is it just korean Korean Airlines that like all Asian airlines have been acting up?

I think they typically act up over there. You think it's a funny way to call it as they plummet to the ground.

You boys acting up out there.

Really playing a fool over there.

Wouldn't you think they'd have that shit kind of all locked, though?

Dude, you would think South Korea.

Everything's probably fucking tight, meticulous.

That's what I'm saying.

I mean, fucking.

I think it might be an operator issue. Therein lies the problem.
It's bad. Something Wong.
Oh, man, we were just talking about that. Funniest thing to ever happen in the world.
So fucked up. Something Wong.
Something. What was the third one? Something Wong.
We too low. And I was like, bing,, Al.
It was like something about the crash. Like the noise or something.
I wonder who did that. We were talking this morning.
It was probably like an intern or something like that that snuck that in there. That's so fucking funny.
I mean, that guy should have got a writing job somewhere. Yeah.
Didn't the one just straight up disappear one time, too? That's pretty terrible., it was. We too low.
Holy fuck. Bang, ding, ow.
Bang, ding, ow. That's so fucked up.
Something long. We too low.
Holy fuck. Bing, ding, ow.
With the Malaysian airline, everyone thinks they went in the ocean. What if they went into outer space? Whoa, that fucking.
That's crazy. We never even.
You're onto something. Have them stop the asteroid.
Why? Exactly. Yeah, sure.
Maybe that's what they're doing. Maybe we're going to find out in 2032.
Malaysian Airlines. How pissed would you be? You're on a vacation.
That's how they pull you. Like, fuck.
What? The outer space? Yeah, I'd be furious. I only got six pairs of underwear with me.
I'd be furious. How do you bring enough NXIVM? I'm going to have wicked heartburn up there.
He's brutal to travel with. Constantly needs to do laundry and shit.
Oh, the fucking Ozempic burp on a plane. Oh, fuck.
I think about that all the time, too. I thought the toilet was broken, because we got all the guys like, it's not really flushing right, and we were in the front row, so I'm like, god damn, it fucking smells like shit.
I'm like, I'm like, this is the whole flight. I'm going to fucking airlines fall apart, man.
Dude, then we get down here. We're out front of the mothership.
This is like last year when we're out front of the mothership. We see people are like, yo, are you garbage? Like, so we're like talking to them.
Smells like sewage out there. I just think that's six street.
You know what I mean? And it's just like a fucking three weeks after mothership open we're sitting at the bar having a beer before our spots and i'm like the plumbing in this place too what the fuck the three places i had been with them in a row i'm like the sewage god damn and he goes you smell that i go how the fuck can't you? He's like, that's me. And I was like...
And then he's like, do you think the van smelled that? I was like, for sure. But the only good thing is no one would ever think that's human.
So like, no one's ever going to go, that's Foley. They're like, there's a sore made broken.
We were talking to those guys that's external influence that's environment that's a real thing that was epic burps yeah i had it so bad why yeah because some people they're the they don't get the side effects that bad we're talking to mike eaton hosted uh the other night and he was he was saying that uh was that the kid getting him he's got a guy. We had host the show at the pop up show at the creek was doing street fucking

Ozempic.

He gets it from like a guy.

Oh, but he said he doesn't have problems with it.

I know people that don't did our problems with it.

I had it so bad.

We're like shit would just it just stops your stomach.

Yeah.

So my shit would just sit in there and fester like the Sarlacc pit.

Just fucking bubbling up.

It's brutal.

And dude, it would. The burps were so fucking bad.

The burps were worse than the farts, which is crazy.

I had it real bad.

Me and my wife flew to Greece and we came back and I got jammed up at customs and it

was like an hour and a half line and it was like every 30 seconds.

I was like.

Try to do the fat girl blow out the side.

I would hear. I started to hear the people behind me go, what the fuck? So I started what every time I would do it, I'd go the fuck.
You guys, that's crazy. Someone got some bad meat in their bag or something.
It sucked. Oh, my God.
The only one that ever smelled it was Ari. He was the only one brave enough i was like you're the only one i can answer this to would you want to smell one he's like yeah go ahead hey you don't want any more of it you don't want the smoke it's like rotten eggs dude you're a dragon a proper dragon oh yeah go ahead yeah it sucks and you were in line for what was that we were at customs for like an hour I would have fucking killed myself if somebody was burping shit in the customs customs line is maybe my least favorite place when you land at JFK just fucking Afghanistan Airlines just got off next to you that's's coming off worse than I want it to.
You should have listed like in fucking Norway. Iceland Airs.
Australia's flows motherfuckers, too. I do get mad when the international line is moving faster than the American line.
What the fuck are we doing here? It's like I pay my taxes type shit. It gets you in the fucking gut.
But we were only moving in small increments. So I couldn't even do it.
You couldn't hide the burp. No.
Bad. Had to keep that up for an hour and a half.
Sipping a ginger ale. Praying it would go away.
Get some carbonation in there. Get those burps really going.
Trying to kill this. Get that real ginger in there just floating around.
Yeah. But when you were off.
You were coming off of two weeks in fucking Greece, so you were eating like a fucking mania. It's a better trading diet.
When he would stay on top of it, it was a little better, but when on the road, we'd be in a minivan and you're like, dude, we got to pull over. It smells like one of those old cars know what I mean? The farts were even worse.
What? You wouldn't know what it was. A burp is crazy.
And they were like long and hot and just. It was like a gas leak.
He shit his pants on the tour bus. That happens.
Oh, Zembembic it slows up your whole digestive system so like everything just moves so slow yeah and how how much could you eat on that would it like slow you down big time me or yeah you i could i would press through it i probably should have stayed on the japanese say you eat till you're 80% full. Yeah, if I was maybe doing that, I would have been all right, but I would push through it because at the time it would be his Japanese neighbor says it all of the Japanese it's called something in Japan Japanese the Japanese neighbor but it wouldn't it wouldn't hit until later.
So I wouldn't realize how full I was to like a couple minutes after i ate yeah it's gonna be bad oh and it would just sit there you could feel it in your stomach just fucking like it was like having a crock pot down there just slow cooking set it and forget it bad news is is coming. My girl fucking hated it.

Yeah, no shit.

Imagine having to sleep with that, dude.

That's crazy.

I had to get real defensive and bat it on my CPAP.

Like, what do you want me to do?

This is my weight loss journey.

Wicked up to a machine keeping you alive.

I'm fighting with a mask on.

It's not my fault.

I'm just taking it off.

Bitch. Like reptiles.
Dude, if I burped into my seatbelt. You fucking.
That's the funniest shit ever. Did you burp into the machine at all? Dude, that would wake me up in the middle of the night.
I'd be like, what the fuck? Fucking hot boxing himself. Be like punching out of an F-16.
Just like. Under the covers must been nuts.
Trapped a flavor. Just seven passengers of a cruise die.
I remember one night she got up in the middle of the night and was like, I woke up and she was standing at the end of the bed. What are you doing? I'm getting healthy.
I'm doing this for you. Poor lady.
I really wish I could have been a part of one of these burps. I know I don't, but I just.
It smelled like it smelled. Rotten eggs.
I think about the ozemic burps and going to a medicine ball every, all the time. I think about this every day.
Foliating ozemic burps on a plane. I'd be so mad if I was on the plane.
Because sometimes when the noise of the plane and the air moving around, you can get away with murder up there. You really can.
You really can. You build it up.
You've got your own fan for sure. You can fucking hit the aisle.
You can hit the aisle. Directional, yeah.
Dead giveaways when you're moving the fan. But yeah, you do that one little test to see if it smells and if it's all right.
Plus, you got the seat, all that stuff. You know, could be a man.
Sometimes you're just like, fuck. Yeah.
Wives. I will say my wife punishes me when I fart on a plane.
She goes, it was at you And if I had fart, I'll laugh. I can't not laugh

hysterically. If I did fart and someone smells

it, so I'll be like, dude, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, it's like, well, you're blowing up my spot.

Why would you do this? I feel like it doesn't get

that far, though. Doesn't, but when you see it

hit someone, it's the part.

You see a guy reading the

paper like...

Folds a Chris Wall Street journal

dab.

Me and Butler were on a plane once and a little boy in front of us anytime either of us farted he would turn around and go he would hit him he would see his face in the gap at the season he thought it was like the funniest thing in the world. It is the funniest thing in the world.

Oh, so you would see his face.

That would have been me.

If I was a guy, if somebody was behind me farting like that, I'd be like, I would have

been delighted.

That was a real one.

Oh, fuck.

And he would like say it to his parents.

He'd be like, I think they farted again.

They'd be like, shh, stop.

That was so funny. Oh,, stop.
That was so funny.

That was so funny.

Goddamn, dude.

Hot dig.

Yeah, it's a fucking good podcast.

Thanks for having us.

It was fucking hilarious, dude.

You guys are the best.

We love you, boys.

You guys fucking rule.

We love you.

Oh, yeah.

You don't have anything to promote, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Route 66 special.

Route 66 special wasn't on our YouTube page.

Check it out.

So we did.

Oh, yeah.

We did this whole big tour from Chicago to L.A.

Are any of the burps and farts featured in it?

Yes.

We have him shitting his pants on like five different cameras.

I had Ozempic problems.

So much TV.

Ozempic problems the whole time.

But we filmed all the shows.

We filmed everything on the bus and all that stuff. And we put it all together.
Connor directed it and fucking shot it. And edited the whole thing.
And we think it came out great. We think it's something different, something fun.
So we're excited. When's it coming out? Route 66 comes out February 25th.
Oh, it's soon. Fuck yeah, man.
Where's it coming out? YouTube channel. Are you there? Oh, hell yes.
Nice. So whenever this comes out, it could be there.
It'll be coming out very soon.

Nice.

Yeah, we're excited.

Fuck, that's going to be awesome.

Thank you.

It's going to be very good.

Check it out.