Ep 547 - The Bourguignon Shuffle (feat. James McCann)

The Wild Wild West. All right.
Hey, we're here live today and our guest today is Simple Jack. Don't worry about it.
He's his. We actually just took him off a stick in a cornfield.
He was a scarecrow. I think it's cool.
It's what the kids are doing. I'm part of the young Latin kings running around the streets.
It's good. It is a Paul Brother haircut.
You got a Paul Brother haircut. True.
I on the phone to shane immediately before getting the haircut and i said the barber has a monkey because there was a small monkey at the barber say what there was a monkey at the barber shop near the where we live and uh it had pajamas on and it was on a leash you let the monkey cut your hair the monkey was in the next room screaming and very unhappy for he had like an angry monkey there were like 18 guys working in the barber shop and one of them had a monkey i've never seen this before anyway and you you were like that's the that's where i want to go it was the most affordable place to have your hair cut in the area everywhere else was i went to another barber first and they said you need an appointment and i thought that broke the barber's code of like just walk in and hang out yeah can i just talk baseball that was the original barbershop quartet you would stand outside of the barbershop and dudes would just harmonize and just get down barbers used to keep musical instruments in their place just to keep the party going on it yeah you just you would chill and just be like oh with like four of four of your boys and fire them up. For the longest time.
You'd be at like the ye olde haircuttery and just be like, oh. White people started that.
Yeah, true. In England.
They would keep like a lute handy to the case. The barbershop? It's a white thing.
It kind of. I mean, dude, barbershop, chill culture.
Now white haircuts are just either guys with those mustaches

or go to the haircuttery at Walmart.

Yeah.

Now we're talking a cut.

There's no, there's not a haircuttery at Walmart.

Yeah, they would have done you better than the monkeys.

I keep thinking of signing up to the Walmart bank.

Every time I'd said I went to the barbershop and they had a monkey,

people did say that.

Monkey cut.

People looked at me like I was dropping some terrible slur. It's not a bad haircut.
It's not that bad. It's not that you got to pick someone of your race to cut your hair.
The worst one I had was an Asian barber who had no idea what to do with hair. It was worse.
Yeah, I've had a worse. This is not the worst haircut, if you can believe it.
Best one I had was an ex-con in Adelaide. That was great.
Yeah. I got a they knew what to do they were respectful you should get a mullet i let the mullet grow out too much and then i immediately look like a woman a fat woman from oh man well james the the special is doing great you gotta feel good man i feel it was meant to be an hour and then i had a panic attack and i cut it right down so i'll do another one but thank you for having it come out i drank raw milk and then i was vomiting everywhere i know it was hard to hear you had a bad experience yeah i was devastated that the raw that was the conversation we had because he was like i think it was the raw milk and i was like i don't know i just got raw matt gave me raw milk and it was great yeah it was the most delicious i sucked matt's raw milk down and it felt great uh but then he was like no i had uh i had like seven glasses yeah i was like most of a gallon i how long the regular milk would fucking do that too what did you say you crushed uh almost a gallon it was too good it is so good so good it is so good you know there's there is like a thing about how milk itself is like white supremacist.

That's why I wanted the right wing milk.

I wanted to see what it was like.

And the guy who was selling it, look, he was handsome.

He had big shots.

He was the only person at the farmer's market who actually looked healthy.

Everyone else looks weak and faded and unusual.

They're not drinking the wrong milk, dude.

I just didn't trust anyone else.

They're not fucking drinking the wrong milk.

They say that they're like, there is like almost like a-Aryan connection where they try to say the original mythical Aryans were the only people who could digest cow's milk. Well, I'm a race traitor as well as being sick? No, no, no.
I don't live up to Hitler's ideals with my food poisoning? No, they say like, you just drank too much. You had too much power.
I'm going to go back to the raw milk, I think. I know you're going back.
This is not enough for me to stay away. I know you're going to go back to the beef bourguignon.
I was going to ask for that video of me throwing up over the beef bourguignon. I thought that would be good if I ever have a production company.
I know, beef bourguignon. We could have bourguignon productions.
Oh, bourguignon. Yeah.
Did you throw up the bourguignon? Yeah, me and him went out one night in Philly. I never told you this? No.
And he got fucking hammered. He got shit-faced at dinner.
And he got beef Burgunyong. And then we got back to my apartment, and he was fucking puking.
He was like, Shine, don't follow me. I was just filming him.
I asked him not to record. He was like, I'll record this.
And I was like, I'm not. Then he showed it to my wife.
I try and say that we work hard when we're on the road. He's like, James, we're so fucked up.
Look at him vomiting beef bourguignon. But the beef bourguignon, like in between, he vomits so loud.
It's like, that is a problem that I do have. Then he goes, too much beef bourguignon.
I don't know how to throw up quietly. It's not an easy thing to manage.

Is vomiting accented?

I never thought about that.

No, I'd make a noise.

Is vomiting accented at the end of it?

Yeah, at the very end of it, you can hear a little Australian.

He's like, wah.

It's the chunder.

That's why it has a special name.

Beef.

Burger.

Why would an Asian vomit be like,

beef.

It's got to be slightly accented. Yes.
I think the end of a black vomit, you're like, God damn. God damn.
That's great. I'm not going to make fun of you.
Take you on podcast and let everybody know about it. I'm not going to make fun of you.
Take you on podcast and let everybody know about it.

I'm not going to make fun of you.

He's walking shirtless back to the bathroom.

That's a Bergen Yard shuffle.

That's a Bergen Yard shuffle.

Like, leave me alone.

Stop.

You don't have to lock it.

You don't have to lock it you don't have to lock it it's pretty bad

I'm sorry

no no no

get the book on y'all

it's very funny

I'll leave you alone alright I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, no. Get the book on your own.
It's very funny. You got shy? I'll leave you alone.
All right. I'm done.
Come on. That's a smash.
You got it. But wouldn't that be good?

Like at the end of a sitcom, the credits come up,

and then it goes, ah, bourguignon.

Absolutely.

That was the bourguignon coming up.

It was great.

It was not the bourguignon's fault.

Yeah.

It's one of my favorite myths.

I had the Beaujolais with the bourguignon.

What were you drinking? I was drinking beautiful wine. Yeah, we had some much wine.
I cannot pace myself with wine. It's very...
I'm telling you, wine used to be like fucking badass. That was like fentanyl back in the 20s.
Undiluted wine? Wine was for real, like sailors and badasses. It was considered like...
If you did it in like 1910 or even like the late 1800s, if you drank wine, you were like an absolute fucking monster. I think it went like winos.
Yeah. When you read like Bukowski, he's like, I'm fucking in Skid Row with all the winos.
You guys are just drinking wine. Dude, Franzia hit the block in like 1890 and dudes are like completely.
Franzia made it to me. You fucking get a box of that shit.
Do you know about the cocaine wine that the Pope was on? What? Yeah, back when Coca-Cola and people were mixing cocaine with their products, there was a special cocaine wine. And the Vatican ordered thousands of bottles of this wine, and the Pope was just loving it.
Have you seen the Pope right now? He's not doing well. He looked like shit.
Yes. We might have a conclusion at some point.
Pope John Paul? No. Frankie.
Francis. Oh, Pope Francis.
Yeah looked yeah he had like bronchitis they said so he couldn't even talk he was just he's been unwell for a while he's not stepping down his head fucking neck fat is I mean I'm not one to judge on that category but god damn yeah he'd be you see where it goes he had a he's like whose neck fat is like like the dude from Mad Max he It's truly impressive. Let me see this.
I think he only had one lung to begin with. He has double pneumonia.
He has double lungs. We must pray for the Pope.
I'm not making fun of him, but they did him dirty with this. Damn, I didn't realize the Pope was that fucked up.
Wasn't he like the- Washington Post was doing him dirty on this.

Dude.

I don't know what the sleepy.

Yeah, they don't got to do that to him. Yeah, that's your grandpa at the end.

I mean, again, I'm not going to say, I'm not going to rush this Pope, but we do need a

new Pope.

It's time.

I'm ready for cool young American Pope.

The young Pope activated me when I watched it.

That's what the church needs.

When did we elect Francis?

Wasn't it?

Oh, like ages ago. It was like 10 years ago.
He was the first guy to come out. 10 years ago.
It's a hard job. He was looking all right.
Yeah, he was decent. He had a bit of a twinkle in his eye.
Double pneumonia, cocaine, wine. Beef bourguignon.
He's got the bourguignon going. That would be a cool life.
like the absolute utter Like the top hierarchy of the church Would be probably sick as hell Have you seen the new Conclave movie? No, is it any good? It's not as good as The Young Pope That's all I could think But it is It's great until the last 10 minutes When you find out Spoiler That the guy they've just elected Is intersex, Pope with a womb. And then it's like, it's written by a Church of England guy, so they're all just like very sensitive.
Like, wouldn't that be interesting? What is a man? This was a great drama about one of the candidates had a secret family. He was black and homophobic and people were like, you only like him because he's black.
And they're all having to, it's great. There's like arguments and what's the future of the church? And then just at the end, there's a terrorist attack, and people go, let's get the trans woman or the intersex person.
It's problematic. But Ralph Fiennes is great, and Stanley Tucci.
Everything Stanley Tucci is wonderful. Do they have like a serious religious drama that ends with a trans pope? Yeah, Intersex pope.
Oh, shit. You mean like a natural one?

Like a natural trans?

Yeah, like it's a little Mexican guy who's like,

I found out that I had a uterus.

They're killing the Mexicans with this trans shit.

What?

They got this and fucking...

Have they got another big trans person?

There's a big Mexican trans movie.

Really?

Amelia.

It's like they're getting all the Oscars.

Amelia Perez.

I watched it.

How was it?

It's fucking terrible.

It's one of the worst pieces of shit I've ever seen.

It's about a Mexican trans?

It's about a cartel leader that transitions.

Nice.

They quit the cartel, and the way they're hiding is transitioning.

But instantly, the character becomes like a sympathetic character.

Oh, I thought you did.

It's like, yeah, they would just beheading everyone.

It's like, oh, they're trans.

So you're like,

Thank you. and the way they're hiding is transitioning.
But instantly the character becomes like a sympathetic character. It's like, yeah, they would just beheading everyone.
It's like, oh, they're trans. They're like, oh, I love them.
And it's a fucking musical with not really good singing. It sounds great.
As a description, if someone said, this is my Cartel trans musical, that sounds. Yeah, that's what I want.
It's a cool idea. It's a cool premise.
Cartel boss becomes Queen of the South, basically. Yeah.
Becomes a trans. And then comes back.
They think the family thing. Then he misses Doubtfire as the family.
Nice. It truly does.
He comes back to his family, and he's like, it's me. What? Yeah.
Damn. Which was clearly him.
Are you sure you weren't watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians? No. We had that conversation.
For real. While we were watching it, it was like, damn, this is what it must have been like.
A little girl is holding, or he's holding a little girl as a woman now. Yeah.
And the little girl's like, I just miss my dad so much. I miss the way he smelled.
I loved him. And Mrs.
Doubtfire was like. Do you ever see the Kardashians episodes where Bruce is obviously starting to transition into Caitlyn? No.
Are they hiding it from the audience? There's like two seasons where it's just the hair gets longer, gets smoother. He moves out of the house.
The marriage is fine. I'm just living in a different house across town.
But then it's still. He's just like long weird hair.
Just demolishes everybody in table tennis is working through some feelings just beating all the other kardashans in table tennis it's a great weird arc where everyone's going this is normal nothing's wrong yeah strange is happening i mean that was i still i i've like forever tipped my hat to the Bruce Caitlin. It's a wild move.
Yeah.

Just to be like peace.

Cause then that forces your wife to divorce you.

Yes.

And you can be like,

I didn't want this many a time in a bad relationship.

I thought about cause you never want to break up with someone.

You want them to break up with you.

That's how I always felt.

Yeah.

It's like,

what if I could become gay?

What if I genuinely was trans?

Then you'd have to leave.

And just to sweeten the deal,

you get to be a lesbian.

It is sick. Bruce is a lesbian.
Or excuse me. Caitlin is a lesbian.
Caitlin with a C was the nastiest one. Good for you.
Caitlin is a lesbian, which is like to break up, to get divorced and become a lesbian might be dunking on a lady as hard as you possibly can. Yeah.
Be like, I'm a fucking girl. And still fucking.
Yeah. Did Bruce go the whole...
Pardon me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Thank you.
Did the Jenna person remove the sex organ? Yeah. I don't think so.
If they did not... You're exactly right.
This is the ultimate. Yeah.
It's the best move possible. You have toits.
Just get some fucking drugs. Hold up.
Sex change or no? In 2017, Caitlyn Jenner underwent a bottom surgery. What? In what year? 2017.
Okay. So that thing's been gone for a while.
Oh, that thing's been gone. Well, hey, man.
You can fully les out now. But you can't, out now you definitely can't come there's no way if they build you a vagina you can't where would the orgasm come from Caitlin you're making me sick right now why are you talking about other people's genitals they didn't push it on you I don't know if you've been to a public library.
That's all it is.

Back to back.

You can probably still get that prostate going.

And it's just probably,

it's probably like a nuclear explosion

when you cut off the fucking

bees and bees.

You'd probably puke it out.

Where's it go?

You go,

oh, beef,

bergagnon.

There's nothing further from coming than that particular vomit.

That's a great question.

I know.

Yeah, I don't know.

Can they still hit the prostate on a...

Right?

I think they somehow attach your old penis head to your belly button.

So you've got like a remote control.

Mine might fit. Mine might not break the surface.
I've got a deep belly button and a tiny dome. It'd be perfect.
You'd be on search. I might be able to hide it.
You'd be on search. This will be my little secret.
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I have a little door in my shirt. It's just a little joystick.
What are you doing? It's a little mouse. I go, ooh.
The Indian in the Cupboard. Yeah, that is.
That's like an age-old mystery. It's a great movie.
I don't know why that disappeared. I don't know why people aren't celebrating Indian in the Cupboard.
They never pushed. There's no like Indian in the Cupboard merch.
I guess maybe they're, yeah, because Indians. It was that one and the bird that could talk in the basement.
I think it was called Pauly. Remember there was a little parrot in the basement who lived a beautiful life? I don't remember that one.
I remember the wee Indian in the cupboard. Yeah.
I remember. That was a pro-Indian movie, I think.
Wasn't it? I don't remember. He wasn't just a toy.
He was a man who had his land taken away. Yeah, for sure.
But you're probably kind of pissed. If you're Native American, you're like, we're in a fucking cupboard now? What the fuck? If you don't want to be a sports team, a kick-ass sports team, you don't want to be a white kid's toy.
Yeah, you don't want to be a tiny white child's toy in a cupboard. But he learns peace with the cowboy.
Right. I think that was the point of the movie.
Yeah, I don't even remember. They probably wanted revenge.
It was a special cupboard that brought all the toys to life. But then the cowboy toys were like, we're getting him.
We're getting that Indian. That'd be a cool movie.
You know they know they did that movie like when Hitler won, like quote unquote,

if the Native Americans won.

That'd be cool.

That would be sick.

If we lost

and just all became

Native Americans.

It would be.

Everyone is last samurai.

All the Europeans

that came here

just kept losing.

Yeah.

For 400 years.

Yeah.

Everyone's just like,

I'm going,

I'm going to fucking

get it this time.

I think the Ethiopians

would have won.

Yeah, nope.

You're one of us, brother.

Yeah.

That happened a lot.

Thank you. Everyone was just like, I'm going.
I'm going to fucking get it this time. I think the Ethiopians were the only ones.
Yeah, nope. You're one of us, brother.
Yeah. The Ethiopians did it.
The Ethiopians survived. They kept trying to take the Ethiopians.
They held on. Did they really? And the Siamese managed to hold on.
The Thai people. I think they're the only ones who got their own monarchy.
And the Japanese. That's it.
Yeah. Ethiopia held it down.
Held down the battle. Even when the wops came in knocking recently.
Really? Yeah. Mussolini tried to get in there.
Although they do have, Ethiopians do have a very distinct, I guess because they're on like, are they only towards the tip of Africa? There was a guy in Chicago. No, this is, all right.
This is weird, but they don't, there's like a ruling class of Ethiopia and they don't think it's biological. They can't find like a gene that does it.
But if you join the ruling class of Ethiopia, and they're from all over the place, they all just start looking the same for some reason. No one can figure it out.
What? It's very strange. But you can pick Ethiopian.
I can see. Oh, yeah.
Ethiopian and Somalian are very distinct. Yeah.
Kenyan, I'm getting better at Kenyan. The tribes within Kenya, I got nothing.
Yeah. Ethiopian and Somalian are very distinct.
Yeah. Yeah.
Kenyan. I'm getting better at Kenyan.
Nice. Tribes within Kenya, I got nothing.
Yeah. I cannot.
You'll figure it out. Maasai.
Yeah. I used to deliver beer to a couple Ethiopian restaurants back in the day, and I remember being like, yeah, once you get in, you're like, oh, yeah, I could spot these dudes from anywhere.
Yeah. 7-Eleven by our old house.
Yeah. Yep.
Ethiopian fellers.

Great Ethiopians.

I went on a date with the owner of that 7-Eleven.

Brief one date.

What?

Yeah.

No, no, no.

The owner's daughter.

I was going to say, I met the owner.

Dude, that was a guy.

That was an Ethiopian guy.

The owner's daughter.

I went on a date with the owner's daughter, and I was kind of starstruck.

She's like, my dad owns a 7-Eleven, a Lancaster.

I was like, bro, I've been in that store. I walked through that 7-Eleven.
I've been so high in that store so many times. It was cool.
You'd be like, damn, have you ever met the black guy that opens the door? He's the man. Yeah, I always remember being like, what the fuck? Yeah.
Holy shit. Yeah, there was a 7-Eleven near Drexel University that was just...
I think it was, honestly, the highest grossing 7-Eleven. It had to be.
It was nonstop. Is there anything special about the 7-Eleven or just the placement? Just location.
Yeah, it was just right on a college campus. I think Ethiopians were great.
They were good. Ethiopians are also beautiful ladies.
Yes. Yeah.
Very much so. But yeah, there was the line...
We all agree. Some of the dudes there had a bit of attitude.
Like some of the cashiers.

Yeah.

Some of the youngsters had a bit of an attitude.

But they were getting.

The clientele seemed to have the biggest attitude.

They were getting assaulted.

I ran into the clientele a lot.

Yeah.

True.

Yeah.

I will say American.

He's just drunk college kids and the locals.

Yeah.

I've witnessed.

The locals and the drunk college kids. Everyone was disrespecting the.
A lot of Mr. Disrespectful.
A lot of Mr. Disrespectful.
Yeah, it was very much. I remember witnessing my first ever like black American versus like Middle Eastern, which I believe Ethiopian could be almost mistaken for Middle Eastern.
Yeah. And it's dude, it.
Yeah. Unforgiving of just trying to get a salmon cream cheese bagel and just being like, put it on there, Obama.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mine was a lottery ticket dispute.
Oh. And I was the, they almost like looked at me as like a mediator.
Both sides kept going to me. Like I was next in line and they kept going like.
Successful lottery ticket? Yeah. How do you have a lottery ticket dispute? I think there was a language barrier a little.
He wanted to buy. It wasn't even redeeming a prize.
It was getting the opportunity. Yeah.
I think it was redeeming tickets. I think the guy was maybe going too slow for the customers.
He wanted his money to get more scratches. He wants his money and he wants it now.
Do you call them scratches? yeah scratch off yeah i'll be back on that huh i lost my card so now i have to pay with my phone like i have to pay ahead of time because i can't insert the card i'm wanting but then when i overpay and there's a little gap in the amount of gas to what i've given them get some scratches give me the scratches don't later oh? I got to prepay now. That's all I want to spend my excess money on is a little scratch.
I try not to. I'm not overdoing it.
I'm not going, give me $400 worth of gasoline. There are the $100 scratch offs.
I've seen people do those. That's bizarre.
And it's like crazy. When I was door-to-door sales, I would do that to get through the day.
I would walk around with that. That's how I knew.
I didn't realize I was depressed selling cable television door-to-door until a couple of weeks later. I was like, I didn't – you used to spend $50 on scratch-off cards every day.
That's new. Yeah, that's a – I always forget.
I mean, a lot of people play them. They're big, man.
My old boss used to rip like several $100 scratch-offs daily. It was just like, bro, put them down.
Your fingers start getting discolored from the little people. You can tell that there's a problem.
There's a lot of lint following you around. A little tiny bits of plastic.
Yeah, that sounds nice. A little scratchy.
Yeah. Yeah, they're exciting.
It's a great birthday present for a child. It's the one bit of gambling that you can get a child in on.
Yeah, true. Let me see what you get there.

Let me see that.

That would be nice to get a kid a gambling gift.

Do you not do that here?

Give him a card.

Yeah, we give a scratch-offs.

But I'm saying I placed a futures bet on the Anaheim Angels for you.

For you.

$150.

This thing's going to pay out fucking crazy if they win.

It's a nice gift. I'll do the over.
Yeah, putting on parlays for your- Yeah, I put together a nice parlay for you. Yeah, we'll see.
Let's watch. It might hit next year.
We'll see. That's going to be cool.
50 bucks on it. Not bad.
Yeah. And if it doesn't hit, you owe me- If it doesn't hit, I'm coming back.
Do you know the Eurovision- You owe me, there's going to be- There's a big- Do you know what the Eurovision Song Contest is? Yeah. This is what I – I always think about gambling on it, but this is the year that I finally take it seriously because I think I can pick which song is going to win.
They let you know what all the songs are beforehand. Every country in Europe has their own song, and then they compete and they vote.
But I think I could pick the winning song. How would you pick? I would listen to them and feel it in my heart what was the correct song.
What show is this? Eurovision Song Contest. We should be doing that in America.
We should go state by state. They tried it once.
True. They tried it once.
It was an enormous failure. I don't know why.
We got to bring it back. We should do state by state everything.
We should do a state fighting contest. That would be cool.
Yeah. Like America Olympics basically.
Yeah. I like America Olympics.
Yeah, why do we stop at high school, I guess we have like the NFL. Oh, Trump was just talking about this.
Really? Yeah, this was one of Trump's first day playing. The America Olympics? Yeah, like the greater, yeah, he's like, we're going to have football.
He's like, every state. Remember he was talking about like having an American fair? What, like state of origin? He was bringing that back and he was like, in that, we're going to have the American games.
What, it's like everyone has a football team with the- From their state. That's right.
We do that in Australia. It's going to be Steelers and Eagles.
No, no. High school.
Oh. It'd be like all-star teams from each state.
It'd be the sickest thing ever, dude. Yeah, what the fuck? Just Wyoming is going to get crushed by- Rhode Island.
Rhode Island. California.
Oh, my God. California, Texas versus Rhode Island and Connecticut.
They're going to get the Ocon man out there. Oh, ho, ho, a World Fair now would be nice.
Why haven't we had one? Because the French showed you up one time. The mud floods.
Wait, what was the mud floods? You don't even want to know. Did you have a lot of deaths at a World's Fair? No.
You don't want to know about the mud floods and the history of Tartaria. Talk about Tartaria.
No, we don't want to talk about Tartaria. What's Tartaria going to do with the World's Fair? Oh, wait, is this the secret society? We don't want to talk about Tartaria and the hidden...
Can I cover up all these beautiful architectures with just bricks and shit? Come on, man. I don't know.
They're trying to hide our paths. And why are the windows in the ground? Wait, what's Tartaria have to do with the fucking World's Fair? We don't want to know about it.
You don't want to know. You don't even want to know.
I want to ask something. No, I don't know.
Did you ever read Wimbledog, the script I gave you? Oh, yeah. No, I did not.
You did not? Okay. I did not.
Because I don't think I've ever spoken to Matt about it, and I've not spoken about it publicly. You lost me on the pitch.
I did lose you on the pitch when I said the coach was fat. He was like, the coach is just a big, fat, ugly fucker.
I didn't say that. And he's like, I want you to play him.
I was like, all right, you piece of shit. He's heavy set for a tennis player.
But I wanted to do – it's a story about an older coach who can't play anymore. And if they find the dog – Are you sure you want to put the script out? Because this is big.
Hmm? All right, go ahead. You think I shouldn't describe it? Let's do it.
I'll just say it's about a dog who plays tennis. We're now making a graphic novel.
Now keep going because I like what happens in Japan. All right.
There's a little girl who has a dog. He's a golden retriever and he's very good at tennis.
It's Air Bud. Yeah.
Air Bud. But this old coach is like, I want to win a golden slam.
I want to win. I want to take this dog to all the great grand slams and win.
And that's the only thing worth doing in tennis. But the first one they have to go to is Japan.
Wimbledog runs into a PR disaster. Yeah, I want him to not shake a guy's hand.
Everyone is very embarrassed. They're like, great dishonor to not shake a man's hand.
And they start throwing swords because they want the dog to commit suicide.

And then the dog goes up to the opponent's bag and opens it.

And child pornography and marijuana come out of the bag.

And people go, he was a bad guy.

Wimbledog was right not to shake his hand.

But then they're only upset about the marijuana.

They're like, the child pornography was good.

That was some of the best child pornography we've ever seen.

We love that in Japan.

But marijuana, we don't tolerate at all.

But I think this is a good family movie. I'm going to – I'll say it to you again.
I'm making it a graphic novel, and I appreciate it. I asked very briefly, and you said yes, and I didn't get a commitment publicly.
But I'm using your – we've started the artwork for Wimbledog. I've used your likeness in a graphic novel about – Well, hold on a second.
I didn't know it was about child. I didn't know the child porn happened.
You shut it down. You shut it down.
Okay, good. You're not doing the child porn.
All right. It's also not you.
It's a character that looks exactly like you in a graphic novel that a man, a beautiful man in Tulsa is drawing at the moment. But I think you should...
If you ever get time... Well, what happens to Wimbledon? I don't want to spoil the story about how he has to fight a robot dog at the end of the American Open.
There's also a role for Matt as the evil villain in charge of the Tennis Federation who's offended that there's a dog competing. I can see it.
I can see it. But I think Wimbledog, I mean stand-up comedy, that was my love me do.
This is my Sergeant Peppers, Wimbledog. Yeah.
I'm moving into the future. I believe in it so that's all it doesn't have to be that's dabbling in uh graphic arts as well with the i have i've seen the cartoons oh yeah true prostitute secret prostitute garfield patreon project no i don't know about this now secret prostitute yeah miss lasagna bro someone a secret artist sent me a comic strip it's really actually really well done and you're funny you're the medici family i'm the medici family i was like uh he's coughing as you're saying i need more art he goes i don't know what to do with this i'm like bro please let me put this on the patreon everyone hates it i can't stop putting it up there it's about it's about uh garfield becoming a trans street walking prostitute and then just john trying to get garfield off the streets.
I would have made him a John. That would have been so easy.
John would be trying to buy Garfield. No, John's appalled.
Just sweet little kitty. Yeah.
Then John falls into the underworld in an effort to save Garfield. What's the dog doing? Odie's part of the Yakuza.
Damn, you guys are overlapping a little.

Oh, America's ready for a beautiful story

about a dog that does something. Dude, for real,

dog sports was like a big

genre. And then it went away.

Hollywood complains that no one's going to see

movies and then they're making

weird trans Mexican cartel

musicals. Make a movie about a dog that wins

at sport and people will flock back to the cinema. People were, Air Bud had, what did they have, three Air Buds? It was football, soccer.
Probably a couple basketball ones. Yeah.
Air Bud went to space? I didn't know that. Space Bud? I knew he went to space.
Movie Valhalla, dude. Did you know what? Beethoven was a great dog who saved the family.
Lassie was a great dog. Homeward Bound Is a great dog movie Yeah I mean I watched that A bunch of times With my kids recently Chance Shadow Chance Yeah Hold on what's the The cat's name Yeah Chance Shadow There's 14 airboat movies Missy 14 Missy Holy fuck It's Missy Is it I'm pretty sure Yeah I loved it The fuck out of that movie.
It got me every time. I know.
Shadow fell. I didn't see it coming every single time.
Have you ever seen my dog Skip? Frankie Muniz. He's got a beautiful dog.
I didn't see it. And when it seems like the dog dies, it's a- Really? Dog dying in a movie is the only time I really cry.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's a good move, though. All the animals in Homeward Bound died.
Like, they killed a bunch of animals making that movie. Are you sure you're not thinking of Milo and Otis? Oh yeah.
Milo and Otis. Yeah because they live, they survive in the end.
That was the Korean or Japanese. Milo and Otis used to be my go-to.
They killed a bunch of dogs to make Milo and Otis? It was a puppy pug and a kitten. You'd have to.
At one point they fight a bear and apparently they were just tossing those things. There was no need to do that.
For real? Yeah, they filmed it for real. And they finally got it.
Because I think the bear finally got full from pugs. No, that can't be true.
And then they kept throwing them in. Is that true? Yeah.
Oh. They definitely, in Homeward Bound, threw a cat into a river.
They also do that in. Do they really? In Milo Notice.
And they lost a couple cats in the river. Used to be to be able to kill animals in movies now they've always got a thing saying no animals were harmed I was watching an old Russian movie and a horse really falls down the stairs what that was a hard watch and then I watched Apocalypse Now Apocalypse Now is nuts and they just have a cow at the end they cut a cow big knives yeah and they just like hack and like I mean if they ate afterwards, that's great.
Yeah, it was. It was to eat.
He filmed like a real actual ritual. Yeah.
Like Francis Ford Coppola's wife was like, I just saw some villagers hacking a cow apart. Do you want to put that in the movie? And he went, all right.
Obviously. It needs something in the third act to really give it.
Milo and I was directed by Masanori Hata. Oh, no.
And Kan Ichikawa.

I didn't know it was that Japanese movie.

It is.

I didn't know that either.

I've heard, what's his name?

Lewis talked about this.

It was very funny, yeah.

Lewis Gomez was the first person I heard break this story.

Yeah, they were tossing some dogs.

They'd have to get a new replacement pug every time pugs luckily look pretty similar have you seen their skulls yeah i can't stop thinking about what's up with their skulls yeah it's a circle yeah oh really yeah it's the ugliest weirdest we did that to them i know well chinese emperors did that to them to have just a fun little thing. That must have been so tight when you finally turn a wolf into a tiny little thing.
You've done it. Whoa, what the fuck? And when they sneeze, their eyes fall out sometimes.
Really? Pugs are great. That was another movie idea.
I wanted someone, all right, like Greyhound Racing? Does it have to be a Greyhound? Maybe there's a guy who thinks his pug has it in him. You know? But then end the dog sneezes and its eyes fall out then a japanese businessman throws it at a bear having a movie a heartwarming story about a pug that ends in its eyes falling out from sneezing would be pretty great and then we're just raising awareness to pug deformity but then like what do you do just wipe out the pugs let's breed it with a slightly longer faced yeah start breeding yeah start breeding the nose back into the pug the pug nose restoration project society and you're just making pugs have sex with great day and so many pope had a pug and it makes me laugh it's fine it was a long it was huge he showed me a picture of it was like a fucking 10 foot long pug it was laying he was laying flat on the porch with its arms and legs out what the fuck this is the biggest pug i've ever seen he was like oh that's bufferingie marie his pug's name was bufferingie marie was it a wiener dog mixed with a pug no it was just straight pug it was just a big one what i just love that it had a name bufferingie marie think of it tommy pope with Marie.
Come here, Bufferini. Bufferini Marie is so funny.
I never really thought about being a dog in an Italian household. You're probably going to hit.
No. It's probably crazy.
I think about it every day. I wake up and I think if I was a dog at an Italian household, with all the pasta that they fit, you know the problem with that pug, that nonno was there.
You're so skinny. Let's give her the dog.
It's got to be dramatic. It's got to be like the Roman Empire.
You're just at the top. You're being treated like a fucking absolute god.
Yeah, true. Next thing you know, they're rising up against you.
You're just getting sweaty. You're eating delicious cuisine instead of like a nice silk pillow.
It's better than Irish dog. Irish dog is the worst, bro.
You had some guys hitting dogs. Dude dogs dude our dogs got beat i thought you could hit dogs until like maybe six years ago we've discussed it i've witnessed phil phil punched he fucking punched dogs he punched them in the head the dog was being bad he hit riggins he popped riggins that was recently did he get his shoulder into it or It was just a little...
Like a jab to the top of the dog's head. You know what the fuck was that?

That is frowned upon. He popped Riggins.
That was recently. Did he get his shoulder into it? Or is it just a little.
Like a jab to the top of the dog's head.

That's frowned on.

What the fuck was that?

That is frowned upon.

Dude, it was so normal, man.

I would see.

I saw dogs getting beat.

Like, there was one.

There was one house.

He popped it in the fucking head.

I would go to one house where if the dog was seen in the kitchen, it would be viciously

kicked as hard as possible every day.

I saw it was just a daily occurrence.

The dog would be in the kitchen.

It was like this orange, shitty mutt.

It was like a fat.

It would look like a lab mixed with like a dingo.

It was just a shitty, standard, yellow, 55-pound fat mutt.

And if it was spied in the kitchen, it would try to go under the little countertop and just be good for him though just keep going back right home from work and just being like hard as possible to not learn the lesson is a beautiful thing yeah that shows that they're not being too abusive because the dog still got hope I think this dog dog was just dumb i think it would just be like it just was like i think it would just get cold and be like i'm gonna go lay in the sun and we're just like lay in the sun for four hours and then wake up to just a giant man be like god damn it yeah if it was spotted in the kitchen it was supposed to stay in the mudroom which is like a cold tile floor. And when I was little, we had an outside dog.
We had a dog that did not really come inside that much ever. And if it was off the leash, it would hop the fence and bite people.
It was so bad. The craziest one is when you see a house where they have the big cages out front, the dog in the cage.
I had an outside cage dog as an adult for a while. That's a scary house.
I brought it scary house it was only when we were working it would sit in like a cage in the backyard and just howl phil installed a giant chain link fence in our basement and we put shack in there and he would fucking break out he would rip through the fence he'll chew out yeah yep yeah we had there was a when i had the akita and then there was like its brother my ex-wife's like uh mom and stepdad got it and then when we like when we separated houses to like when they're they're like mom and stepdad live with us for a while but for a little bit we live with them i guess it was a mom's house but they took their dog and they built like a dog jail in their basement and it totally like just rip it out yeah right it did. Turn the lights out and leave it down there.
They freak. It's going to go nuts.
Well, they won't do it. They're like, there's dogs are like, I'll die.
Dude. Andrew's dog, Zeus.
R.I.P. Zeus.
But dude, it would literally, it jumped out of the second story one time. Because he didn't have windows in his house.
When he says it would stand on the roof. Yes.
He was a three-story house. Bud didn't have windows in his house for a long time.
So he was living in a windowless house in West Philly. And his dog would get out on the third floor.
It was like a parapet. It was like a roof.
It was like the window. And then there was a strip of roof this wide.
And it would pace back and forth huge a big fucking it was like a fail or it jumped that is the second story it jumped out of the second story but it would just patrol so it's it it was in like dudes in the fucking hood and he had this giant like mastiff white pit bull that would stand on his third floor like a gargoyle yeah it was fucking nuts it's actually just wait for him every day security though. Dude, dude it for real was i mean i would get like superstitious if i saw that yeah it's walking by and i actually i've seen him he would just face and then just sit like this on the top on the third floor that's the devil it's literally omen that is an actual demon i know that's nice this show is brought to you by better.
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But yeah, RIPP. Zeus he was the best he'd be in the basement he would just like chew fucking pipes in the basement he was so funny and if once he got older and the sun would go down he would go remember I brought him to our old house I brought him I watched him for Spud one time Blue was my favorite Blue was great Blue ripping the woodman's food right out of his hand was the craziest thing I've ever seen.
We were just... I know we've talked about it a bunch of times over here, but whose dog was that? Was that...
Tom's. Tom? Yeah, dog's R.I.P.
as well. He stole a man's food out of his hands.
The dog was awesome. He was so...
Yeah, he literally just walked... Say we're sitting here.
Yeah. Our friend Chris Wood was sitting down eating a tortilla.
He would get a bowl of meat and put it in a tortilla and just sit there and munch it. Yeah.
A dog slowly walked up to him and just went. He took the entire fucking thing out of his hand and then just walked away.
Like it wasn't like it fucking grabbed it. It literally just slowly walked up to him.
I've never seen anything like it. It reminds me of O'Connor.

We were just in Seattle.

Yeah.

O'Connor, when we were in Vancouver once, he got so fucked up.

And the next day, he's like hung over.

And I forget what he got.

He might have got like a donut.

And the seagulls are fucking huge out there.

But O'Connor was standing there and a bird just took it.

I had a chip.

I had a fry once when that happened. Just think of O'Connor being like.
Great. Yeah.
Is anyone going to do anything about these fucking birds? I had the exact same thing happen to me. Everybody stay with me.
It's a terrible memory. I was holding a French fry.
And a bird just took it. It was a seagull.
Came and took it out of my hand. Damn.
I remember I talked about it on stage that night and i got nothing but it was a lot to me it was very hard to explain yeah it's pretty intense serious and upsetting how did you handle it what did you do i was so it was kind of beautiful but i was scared i was upset did the beak get anywhere even near your fingers or was it like it was just gone i just saw the bird and I didn't feel it touch my hand. It was just out.
It was not a lot of... I don't leave a lot of time between.
Yeah, that was quick. I'm pretty close.
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Huge. Wings long as hell.
Just a dead seagull in the front like a family walked by and they were like, oh. Yeah, it's sad.
I saw a homeless guy punch a pigeon once. The pigeons would just run around on the ground.
That's a classic battle. They've been battling for centuries.
But he was up here. The pigeon wasn't doing anything to him.
And he bent. He was just walking along calmly.
And he bent all the way down and just fucking got a pigeon and kept walking. I mean, we've all had that thought.
That guy's just so. I couldn't believe the pigeon didn't move or anything.
But it sensed his. They get.
Dude, those things are crazy. The ducks around where we live, dude, you can grab them by the necks.
They don't give a fuck. I like this bird talk.
Yeah, it is. We had a, you know, it's funny.
The time we went to see Scorpion King. Yeah.
Me and my buddy had a creature storm at the beach. Did you really? Yeah, we did it with a bag of Doritos.
Dude, how sick is it? It was great. It's the fucking best.
Yeah, what are the odds? I hadn't had creature storm before. You ever went to the beach and just threw like a loaf of bread and just let it get crazy with birds? We do yeah but when we would have like fish and chips on the beach and there would be they'd come around like you know you're a kid and you stand your dad goes stop bringing them over okay imagine your dad's not there and it's just you just go boys with as much bread as possible taking from the beach house and you are ruining everyone's day everyone yeah as an adult i'll try to wait till like 4 35 p.m which like not as crowded yeah but dude there's still people there and they are very upset but you can get like dude you can get for real like 500 and then you can run you can hold a yeah a bag of chips and run and they're the storm will follow you it's awesome they're at your now you control the storm you control running through a big pile of birds at the beach is one of my greatest happinesses.
What happened? When there's like a big gathering of birds. Yeah, man.
You just run straight out the birds. Oh, right at them.
I like watching the little guys that run with the tide. That's fun.
Yeah, true. I just like to observe those guys.
It's fun watching kids chase seagulls. That's an easy way to get kids tired.
Like, go get the seagulls and they'll just like relentless like a fucking dog just chase seagulls. And you get watch them for long enough you see who's the king seagull and you see the one sad seagull with like half a foot and his beak doesn't work and he's yeah he's trying to get the but none of his buddy seagulls are looking after him helping him get it they're just taking his food away do they have like a pecking order like chickens have definitely yeah i would say shit the chicken pecking order is brutal dude yeah it's crazy my cousin had my brother and my cousin had chickens and

I didn't realize like

if there's another

rooster the rooster will

peck literally take

your like rooster crown

off and be like you're

a fucking hen you're

getting nan pussy around

here I'm getting all

the pussy they like

they basically what's

that called when they

kill each other doesn't

like a I swear like

there's something

happens where they

just the whole coop

will just kill itself really yeah but they'll just have a mass suicide in the coop? Yeah, they just start killing each other. What? Guys, get on that.
What happens? Yeah, check that out. I'm actually curious about that.
Have you ever heard of the old Irish myth of the two cats who fought until only their tails were left? No. No.
That's a kid's sick myth. I just came across that.
That's good. It's old kill cat myth.
What is the message there? This is mutual destruction. They fought and fought and fought until only their tails were left.
Like, what's the point of the fight after that? They've paid no attention to that. That has had no impact on the development of the Irish people.
Speaking of, O'Connor got me that painting there. And that's a nice Irish brigade at Antietam.
Turns out the guy looks exactly like Tony Hinchcliffe no I was gonna say he looks like uh it kind of got ruined for me you guys were like it looks like Tony you got a painting of Tony I was like no it's fucking cool who's the defense against the dark arts teacher in the second Harry Potter movie no you know the Gilderoy Lockhart no the little he looks, the little... He looks like the Shakespearean actor.
Oh. Do you know who I'm talking about? Not Little...
Is it Littlefinger from Game of Thrones? No, but he also looks like Littlefinger from Game of Thrones. He does not look especially Irish.
He is Irish, though. Yeah.
Captain Clooney. Yeah, I think he died right there.
Did he really? Yeah. At Antietam.
That would be kind of a sick way to go if you rally up a bunch of troops, then just get blown off. The Irish would be able to go.
They came to America to learn how to fight so they could bring it back. What? To England.
Yeah. That's got to say.
And he was apparently a monster. That's pretty tight.
I read about him. He was the best soldier ever.
Really? He was just fearless. And then, you know, got the best of him when he was like, I'll stand right in front of everyone.
Yeah. He got shot like 20 times.
Oh, no.

He was a horse, so he was like, I don't care.

Come on, boys.

You can see it there.

He's got some wounds.

Wasn't there like a... Yeah, he's literally falling down while that picture's been taken.

Yeah, he's saying, fuck you pussies.

Wasn't there a story of like a Vietnam...

Wasn't there a war hero who had like a fantastic...

They made a movie on it where he like...

He had this crazy charge where he killed like 60 people himself. And he went home for a while and he finally went back to war thinking like i got this down just died no that was uh that was that was basalone yeah yeah that's he's got a rest up does he really in jersey that's awesome you know about ned kelly yeah ned kelly's our great bush ranger hero where the cops were after him,

and he was like a sheep thief, and he built a suit of armor out of iron.

It's hilarious.

It's like a cool hat that he built and the chest,

and he just stood and shot at the cops, and they were shooting at him.

He was shot something like 100 times in the dick and legs.

Yeah.

The movie's pretty good.

I watched the movie.

Mick Jagger?

Yeah.

No, the movie.

No, there's a movie with Mick Jagger as Ned Kelly as well.

I didn't see that one.

We made it over and over again.

Yeah.

We've got a lot of people. the movie's pretty good I watched the movie Mick Jagger yeah no the movie no there's a movie with Mick Jagger as Ned Kelly as well I didn't see that one we made a new one we made it over and over again yeah we love that story and they go you'll never take me alive copper and then he's such as life he had cool quotes yeah damn where did he have the armor there's one with Russell Crowe he made it out of a a trash can I think or something I didn't know Russell Crowe was in it everyone it.
Everyone's going to remember. He did.
We have one of those.

We have the Killdozer.

I heard about the Killdozer.

It's the same thing.

Yeah.

He was like, you guys are going to take my land.

And then he went into the warehouse and spent three years building a tank.

Killing machine.

Did he ever make a movie about the Killdozer?

No.

I've only seen a documentary.

I guess you can't glorify acts of domestic terrorism.

Yeah.

I don't think the Killdozer is in your passport as something to celebrate. That'd be a good sports team.
Killdozers. Give it 50 years and people will be ready.
Ready to forgive and forget. It does take time.
They'd bring in like a sniper, like a 50 caliber sniper to try to get some bullets in there. It's pretty great.
Did he kill people? No, he was just driving through all his enemies' houses. It was fucking incredible.
Did you get no fatalities and maximum death? I think he got no fatalities. That's crazy.
It was a bulldozer, so it was going slow as fuck, but no one could stop it. So he would go through someone's house and then be like, all right, I'm headed down to the fucking town hall.
No, no. Everyone just had to be like, that fucking asshole.
What's the, I think Oklahoma City bombing? They injured a couple people. No.
No? Hold on, what am I thinking of? There was one where they- They killed a bunch of kids. Oh, that's bad.
There was a daycare there. It's an AT&T building in Tennessee.
Nashville. Yeah, that was recently.
But he did it on Christmas Day. and rv and he was playing music he was like everybody get out i'm blowing up the at&t building i don't want to hurt anyone i just want to make at&t unhappy what was his beef of at&t it was nsa uh oh he yeah i thought he was just on the phone for too long true what it's such it looks like sauron and spud was like if i had to look at that building every day I would probably want to blow it.
True. What? It looks like Sauron and Spud was like, if I had to look at that building every day, I would probably want to blow it up.
Yeah, if I was a little schizophrenic and they were like, there's a terrifying tower there. It was a scary building? It's so scary.
Yeah, it's like windowless. So it was justified.
Yeah. The architecture was terrible.
Well, people had to pretend that the World Trade Center was beautiful. It was like Howard Rourke.
The new building instead of the World Trade Center is used to be better Trade Center is a little Fountainhead reference. Which one? What did you say? Nothing.
I don't know why I'm remembering. Did you read the Fountainhead? Suddenly I'm remembering books.
I don't know what's happening. I've been taking it easy on the drinking all of a sudden.
I'm like, I don't remember books. I love the Fountainhead.
Fountainhead fucking rules. The ending of the Fountainhead is the most insane close of a book.
Yeah, it's one of the best. He's a great architect.
He does a rape and that is a is a like the lady thinks it's hot so that's a weird part of it but moving past that he's a great architect and he lowers himself to design public housing he's like i'll build the best public house if i'm going to design public housing it's going to be the best public housing and they make it ugly so he destroys all of the homes for poor people and then he gives a beautiful speech about i had to do it ugliness has place. And the jury let him off because the speech is so good and then the book's over.
But it's a book about the importance of destroying public housing. You've got to ruin the projects.
It's crazy. It's such a great book.
That's crazy. I did not get that out of it.
Really? Yeah. It's a funny synopsis.
It's also about relentlessly pursuing your goals and being the man. Clearly, yeah.
And all the mediocrity is trying to tear you down. Oh, it's Ayn Rand.
Ayn Rand wrote that? Yeah. Yeah, it was her first big, big hit.
I like it more than Atlas Shrugged. I really liked Atlas Shrugged.
I was a big Ayn Rand teenager. I know.
I never fucked with Ayn Rand. I was like, I am the great man of history.
You got to really commit yourself. Was Ayn Rand a girl? Yeah.
Okay, I thought so. Also, like, an old Russian lady.
Yeah, she hated communism. I find her very sexually exciting.
She has great interviews. In all of her interviews, I think she's sick.
I've never really taken a look at young Ayn Rand. Young Ayn Rand is okay looking.
There's a great interview. You prefer her older? She's like, I do not want a woman to ever be president.
It would be wrong. Yo, bro.
I know, it doesn't come across as much in the picture. Doesn't come across in the picture, but she has an energy.
I'm telling you, she has an energy. Steve German.
That's not the best picture of Ayn. We all have bad pictures of this out there.
Ayn Rand is fucking busted, bro. Ayn Rand is ugly as shit.
She's a very sexy woman. I think Atlas shrugged, dude.
Look at some videos of Ayn Rand and see the way she moves. I'm telling you, she's one of the ugliest women I've ever seen.
You're far right, dude. If you're about her, everybody wanted her.
I was like, the bride's looking all right. Then I went, oh, okay.
I'm saying they're a better... I haven't found one picture.
It's not about the look. Her mug's crazy, dude.
And yet, despite that, she's very... She looks like she spent at least a couple years underground.
She may have... I don't know what she went under in Russia, but it was...
Physically. But they don't like her.
Yeah, she was against communism. Yeah.
She had a little dollar lapel. She's like the free market.
What? So powerful. Damn.
I mean, dude, that's... That'd be crazy living in like a depressed communist country and just smashing Ayn Rand.
Yeah. It's all you get.
You get like two loaves of bread a month. A couple of vodkas, potatoes.
True. A couple of Ayn Rands kicking around.
You dig them up out of the dirt. You just dig an Ayn out.
You go, this is a tuna. Oh, fuck.
This is a turnip. You go, never mind.
It's an Ayn. It's an Ayn.
It's food for thought. When did you have your Ayn Rand? I didn't have you picked as a- Hillary Clinton's are.
I see. That's kind of all I ever read was like classic.
Classics. It feels wrong to waste time.
All right.

I was reading about Roman Polanski this week.

I got in a big Roman Polanski Wikipedia wormhole.

Allegedly a pedophile.

Well, actually openly.

He had an interview in 1985 where he was like, I fucked young girls.

Everybody wants to do that.

He was like very open about it.

He definitely says he does.

Anyway, the French culture minister stood by him.

This is getting back to literature in a second.

The French culture minister at the time was like, we must not deport this man.

He's a great artist.

We stand by that. Then people read the French culture minister of the time's autobiography, and there's this big section where he was going to Thailand.
He's like, I was at the boy brothels, and these sweet boys, you can pay them, and it was the most erotic feeling. His defense was that wrote half novel half autobiography and it wasn't all true but like imagine being a politician and coming out with your biography there's a big section about how you love boy prostitutes in southeast asia and then that was just put that in for a literary flourish yeah that was just and i thought like norm's book is like that i was just putting it out there you know that's crazy show people a little something crazy in them but also he doesn't say which bits are made up he just says you can't trust all of this maybe that bit about me being a pervert in asia is norm's book i i got tricked by it i've read it way too long before i realized it was a joke when he's committing prison way too long like what i was on like chapter three.
So you got through him? A lot. Like his uncle, like everything.
Yeah. You thought the bit where he was on SNL because he was giving Lorne Michaels morphine was a legitimate- It took, no, but I was like, I was, yeah, it took, I was ashamed at how long it took.
That's so funny. Yeah.
I read the first chapter without knowing and I was just kind of like, he did bring him drugs, I don't know It's such a great opening

I call this a recurring character

Yeah, it was awesome

A lot of Adam Egan in there, it's great

Adam Egan was the only person

I got really starstruck by in America

and he finds it very

It's cool now, I think it's normal

but every time I see him I go

jerking off punks under a bridge for $15 a pop

It's the Adam Egan

Yeah, he's the man

Thank you. it's cool now i think it's normal but every time i see him i go it's jerking off punks under a bridge for 15 dollars a pop it's the adam again i yeah he's the man he does rule damn i didn't know that guy wrote in his autobiography like and then it just detailed explanation it's very he's like he talks about the incredible erotic feeling of being able to pick your boy it's like he's a member of the french government it does have a kind of one of those weird like sell pick your boy.
It's like cellar door member of the French government. It does have a kind of one of those weird like pick your boy.

It's like cellar door.

It's like one of those

poetic expressions.

Yeah, it is.

You know how to pick your boy.

It's just the perfect sentence.

Phonetically, yeah.

It's like it sounds

kind of great.

Fuck you, man.

Man's like,

I don't fuck with this.

Shut up, man.

Dude, you play video games

with the girl characters.

You should be on Megan's Law, dude.

For real, playing with,

that is like number one, like,

pedophile watch.

Playing with girl characters?

Yeah, dude, it's better.

Do you think that's why- You gotta look at the character. Why not look at a hot lady? I think that's maybe why the trans thing happened, because it's the first generation that grew up playing girl characters and seeing themselves as a girl all the time.
It's just a thought. You don't think so? You don't think that's what's going on? It's kind of true.
I never play the girl. Never.

It's all about looking at the ass.

Dude, you're living in a woman's body.

You're powering and inhabiting a woman's body.

I believe you, Nate.

You are very, very horny.

I think you like playing as a girl.

What?

No.

We were just playing UFC.

You wanted to pick fucking female fighters.

It was the only way I could win.

He did not win. A little Juana man, then.
I think Infinite Jest is a joke. What? The book.
It's a great book. No, but I think the whole book is a joke.
Yeah. Yeah.
What do you mean? Like, it's a joke by the author on the people reading it. No, I think he wrote it out of love.
Yeah, no, not at all.'s too long i was shocked structurally it's a joke i think because it's that long and then all the action of the book takes place like outside of the book like you have to there's so much time for him to describe the important things in the book and he still doesn't do it yeah but i know i love that that's why i think it's a joke and then everyone just tries to figure out what it means and he's like, no, it's just a joke. No, it's not that.
It's not as like complicated as that. He said, I watched an interview.
He wanted people to, he wanted to make something very hard you had to like work for and study for. There's a real point to it.
Because he thought technology was becoming so addictive. It would one day grow, or entertainment was like growing with technology to become so addictive and one day just ensnare us completely and we'd all lose ourselves.

You made a hard book?

Yeah.

Yeah.

With like a thousand foot notes.

But it's still fun.

Like it's very,

I laughed a lot.

That's good.

And then there's a great interview

where he goes,

once they have virtual reality pornography,

I have to commit suicide immediately.

He killed himself.

And then he did.

Out of his word.

I think it was for that.

Hung himself, yeah.

I never read it. It's good.
I think it

bothered me. What, the book? Yeah.

The first, like, million pages are pretty

tough, and then once you get into it, it's

just awesome. Once they get to the Tennis Academy?

Yeah, you gotta read it on a Kindle, because there

are a million footnotes. I don't even know what it's about.

It's about, like, a guy...

They made an entertainment

cartridge that if you watch it once, you're

fucked, and you never take your eyes off it,

and your body will just, like...

Thank you. it's about like a guy they made an entertainment cartridge that if you watch it once you're fucked and you can never take your eyes off it and your body will just like you'll just let your body be completely destroyed and it was made by pretty much yeah yes it's how it's how let loose yeah and it was i can order chipotle it was it was made by a guy whose son was in a tennis academy if i remember correctly correctly.
But the dad, after making it, was like a failed filmmaker. But that one took off.
But it was like a government weapon that Canada's fighting the United States. There was a great scene where he comes home to his dad committing suicide.
His dad puts his head in a microwave. And cuts out a hole.
And explodes his head. And the boy's like, the worst part is I walked in the house and my first thought was, it smells really good in here.
It's really funny. It's about quebec separatists it's about crippled is this a canadian author no but he's like part of the joke is that all of north america has become one country but quebec still wants to secede but only they only let crippled people become assassins and uh you can tell when they're coming when you hear the squeak it's a is funny.
It's also about a drug addict who decides not to have painkillers when he's very seriously hurt. It's such a beautiful- Did this inspire your book at all? I mean, just reading it, I was like, this shit rules, but I could never- It strikes me, yeah.
Right now, Finnegan's Wake is inspiring me big time, but I can't understand any of it. I just read it and go, I just read the footnotes and go, oh, wow, that's what that means.
That's so fucking cool. I'm so envious that you have that.
If I read a footnote, I'm like, I'm done with it. I got to read this sentence four times.
I still can't understand it. Once I see the asterisk, I go, oh, boy, here it's coming.
I'm going to that. I'm going right to the footnote.
I love footnotes. Infinite Jess is like, he'll do footnotes onnotes.
You've got to have three bookmarks going while you read it. But if you have a Kindle, you can just tap the link and it takes you to it.
Kindle was nice for words. That's how I did it.
Words I didn't know. And words.
Dude, I wouldn't have gotten through that. Without a Kindle, I couldn't have read Infinite Jest.
Have you read The Sun Also Rises? Yeah. In high school, yeah.
I just finished it. I love it.
I just was waiting for his dick to start working the whole time. Brother.
And it never did. We've talked about this.
Have we? All right. I read the entire book.
Yeah. And somehow missed in the beginning that his dick didn't work.
Well, then there's nothing. I was furious.
At the end, when they're in the car and they're like, oh, we could have been something. I love you so much.
You're just like, why not? Fuck. What happened? You dumbass.
Yeah, he got his dick injured in the war. We didn't read that for high school.
Dick gets injured in the war, yeah. Yeah, I missed that.
And this is what I love.

He's recounting when his dick first got injured.

I think I said this recently, but it's like he's in a hospital bed,

but it's all Italian guys making fun of him for his dick being blood,

which is the nastiest.

Like of all the hospitals you could be in, an Italian hospital,

and all these guys going, your dick are done to work.

Kill yourself.

That's the worst thing that could ever happen to a man. I just read the other one.
Farewell to Arms. Is it good? That's the one that the guy throws out of a window in Silver Linings Playbook.
So I didn't want to read that. No, it's great.
All right. Especially the first, the beginning when it's about before he gets hurt.
It's great. The war scenes.
It's awesome. He's such a good writer.
Yeah. He's probably my favorite.
I remember we had to do that in high school and had to do like a blue book like essay examination i remember just being like so fucking stunned i remember there was like a question on it was like why why doesn't he just bring it up on the date or like tell the lady or something like that i remember in the essay distinctly remember writing like it would be hard to be like hi my name's jake and my dick doesn't work yeah and the teacher literally underlined it was like hilarious really yeah i mean you were right shout out mr quinn dude yes he was the guy who told us all to learn how to fake cry he's like

it'll serve you so well in relationships he's like if i get back how long did this man last

in the school system he's like i fake cry my wife just caves every time holy shit dude i mean that's

terrible advice that was good that's terrible advice.

That was good.

That's insane.

Dude, rule.

It's awesome going on.

High school English teachers are crazy.

And the teacher being like, all right, enough of that lesson.

Women suck.

You guys are about to find out.

You got to learn how to fucking cry.

I've picked my own syllabus.

I've picked my own syllabus to teach your boys about women.

I'm going to start with Hemingway.

He knows how to treat a lady. He does.
We'll tag him up a little. True.
We'll fucking end with a, touch me, cunt. Yeah, I went to Hemingway's house, too.
It's pretty sick. And when I was in Spain, I went on a nice Hemingway bar crawl.
Now, have you been to the bullfighting? I didn't go to the bullfighting. It's made bullfighting seem so appealing.
I don't think I would like it. I think I would get bored immediately after they kill the first bull.
I would go, this is revolting. It makes it sad.
Through the whole book, I'm waiting for him to get an erection, and the bullfight's coming. We go, surely he's getting hard at the bullfight.
And then he doesn't. No.
And he goes for a swim, and he doesn't get an erection there. Such a good story, though.
What if your dick didn't work work yeah yeah and he just has to watch the love of his life just keep fuck other man fucking the bullfighter he's yeah and then all right the young hot matador comes in young hot matador and the guy like he loves bullfighting and the guy who owns the hotel loves bull they're the only two who really understand bullfighting they go this man is special we got to keep him away from loose women and drink. And then the woman he loves has sex with the bullfighter and the guy in charge of the hotel looks at him like, you fucking impotent.
No, you couldn't even stop your degenerate friend from ruining the one beautiful boy. Brett.
Brett. Isn't that her name? She was so erotically charged throughout the – there was – oh, man.
There was one – like it's all obliquely written and it's straightened.

Like we had Hemingway stuff.

We went there on the next day.

It was a good day and we went over there and it was very hot.

We had wine and we went fishing.

But the one sentence that I love is like he's at a party that he hates

with like this woman he loves and the man she's fucking.

And like the man goes off to get champagne and he's so angry with this guy

going to get champagne and he's got to be this woman he can't have sex with.

And then the guy comes back and fine, we'll open the champagne.

And then he goes, it was sensational champagne.

And I folded that over.

I was like, I don't know why that – that's not a good sentence on its own.

But within the book –

What about a reboot of that story movie but then he just gets into pegging?

That would be –

He just gets pegged.

That would be great. That would be sick.
I don't understand how they can turn it into pegging. That would be...
He just gets pegged. That'd be great.

That'd be sick.

I don't understand how they can turn it into a movie.

Nothing would happen.

It would just be a man fishing and watching a bullfight

and looking at a lady sadly.

Yeah, if you knew his dick didn't work,

it'd be gripping.

You'd be like, fuck.

Yeah.

It'd be great if you had to change the title

so that everyone, just like you call the movie

the man whose dick didn't work.

What I didn't know was his dick. When I read it in high school, I just imagined he had, you know, like when Michael Jackson had like his nose redone? Yeah.
I thought he just had like a cloth. Was it like a cloth over it? Like it was missing or was it just not functional? I don't know.
I don't think it ever really described. I imagine it was like wounds.
I imagine it was missing. I thought he didn't have a dick.
I think he's, they don't go into detail, but he doesn't have. They don't go into detail, but there were scars.
I think he lays down with a lady at one point. There's a prostitute who tries to get him to employ her, and he goes, I won't be able to partake of that.
She goes, you are sick? And he goes, yes. She goes, I'm sick too.
He's like, she had gonorrhea, and he missed out. He's broken penis.
I didn't think I'd enjoy the broken penis book. Damn.
I loved it. Now that technology exists,

you can get that pump

in your ball.

Yeah.

There was an episode

of Fat Pizza.

Yeah.

You have to activate.

I think the trans pizza

is that you get to choose.

Yeah.

That would be so nice

to get to choose

when you had an erection.

I think it's just,

I don't know,

maybe just underneath your sack.

I think it might be

underneath the sack.

That's what the testicles are.

It's a little squeezy.

Building it into the sack

would be sick. You could just literally pump your sack.
Yeah. Yeah, pretty sick.
Pump up penis would be nice. Yeah.
I'm chased right now for the time being. I'm chased for five days.
No food, no sex. Yeah, no coming.
Well. No food.
Let's take this cum talk into the Patreon. True.
We're at an hour already. Yeah, let's take this.
If you the patreon true let's yeah we're in an hour

already yeah let's actually i guess let's if you want to hear about some come talk yeah dude

patreon we have some good topics actually all right nice see you there