Ep 547 - The Bourguignon Shuffle (feat. James McCann)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 1 All right. Hey, we're here live today, and our guest today is Simple Jack.

Speaker 1 Don't worry about it, he says.

Speaker 1 We actually just took him off a stick in a cornfield here. He's a scarecrow.

Speaker 1 I think it's cool. It's what the kids are doing.
I'm part of the young Latin kings running around the streets.

Speaker 1 It's good.

Speaker 1 It is a Paul Brother haircut. You had a Paul Brother haircut.
True. I was on the phone to Shane immediately before getting the haircut, and I said, The barber barber has a monkey.

Speaker 1 Because there was a small monkey at the barber shop. Say what? There was a monkey at the barber shop near where we live, and it had pajamas on and it was on a chat.

Speaker 1 Did you let the monkey cut your hair?

Speaker 1 The monkey was in the next room, screaming and very unhappy.

Speaker 1 He had like an angry monkey in the hair.

Speaker 1 There were like 18 guys working in the barber shop, and one of them had a monkey.

Speaker 1 I've never seen this before. Anyway.

Speaker 1 You were like, that's where I want to go. It was the most affordable place to have your haircut in the area.

Speaker 1 Everywhere else was, I went to another barber first, and they said, you need an appointment. And I thought that broke the barber's code of like, just walk in and hang out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, can I just talk baseball? That was the original barbershop quartet. You would stand outside of the barbershop, and dudes would just harmonize and just get down.

Speaker 1 Barbers used to keep musical instruments in their place. Just to keep the party going on at all.
Yeah, you would chill and just be like, oh,

Speaker 1 with like four of your boys and five hands. For the longest time.
You would just be, you'd be at like the year old haircutter and just be like oh

Speaker 1 white people started that yeah true in england they would keep like a loot handy to the case the barbershop it's a white thing it kind of i mean dude barbershop chill culture now now white culture now white haircuts are just either guys with those mustaches or go to the hair cuttery at walmart yeah now we're talking a cut there's no there's not a haircuttery at walmart yeah they would have done you better than the monkeys

Speaker 1 i keep thinking of signing up to the walmart bank Where every time I'd said I went to the barber shop and they had a monkey, people did say that. The monkey cut.

Speaker 1 People looked at me like I was dropping some terrible slur.

Speaker 1 It's not a bad haircut. It's not that bad.

Speaker 1 You've got to pick someone of your race to cut your hair. The worst one I had was an Asian barber who had no idea what to do with haircut.
It was worse. Yeah, I've had a worse.

Speaker 1 This is not the worst haircut, if you can believe it. Best one I had was an ex-con in Adelaide.
That was great. Yeah.
I got a mullet. They knew what to do.
They were respectful.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you should get a mullet. I let the mullet grow out too much, and then I immediately look like a woman, a fat woman from Barbara.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. Well, James, the special's doing great.
You got to feel good. Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 It was meant to be an hour, and then I had a panic attack, and I cut it right down. So I'll do another one.
But thank you for having it come out. I drank raw milk, and then I was vomiting everywhere.

Speaker 1 I know it was bad. I was sorry to hear you had a bad experience.
Yeah. I was devastated that the raw milk.
That was the conversation we had because he was like, I think it was the raw milk.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I don't know, but I just got raw milk. Matt gave me raw milk and it was great.
Yeah. It was the most delicious milk.

Speaker 1 I sucked Matt's raw milk down, and it felt great.

Speaker 1 But then he was like, no,

Speaker 1 I had like seven glasses. Yeah.
And I was like most of a gallon.

Speaker 1 And more than regular milk would fucking do that too. What did you say? You crushed almost a gallon.
It's so good. It is so good.
It's so good. It tastes like a secret.

Speaker 1 You know, there is like a thing about how milk itself is like white supremacist. That's why I wanted the right-wing milk.
I wanted to see what it was like.

Speaker 1 And the guy who was selling it looked, he was handsome. He had big shoulder.
He was the only person at the farmer's market who actually looked healthy. Everyone else looks weak and faded and unusual.

Speaker 1 They're not drinking the raw milk.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I just didn't trust anyone else.

Speaker 1 They're not fucking drinking the raw milk. They say that they're like...

Speaker 1 There is almost like a Nazi-Aryan connection where they try to say the original mythical Aryans were the only people who could digest cow's milk. Well, I'm a race trader as well as being sick.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I don't live up to Hitler's ideals with my food poison.

Speaker 1 No, they say, like, you just drank too much.

Speaker 1 I am going to go back to the raw milk, I think. I know.
It's just not enough for me to throw away raw milk.

Speaker 1 I know you're going to go back to the beef, bourguignon.

Speaker 1 I was going to ask for that video of me throwing up over the beef bourguignon. I thought that would be good if I ever have a production company.
I know, beef burgundy.

Speaker 1 We could have Bourguignon Productions.

Speaker 1 Oh, Bourguignon. Yeah.
Did you throw up the Bourguignon? Yeah, me and him went out one night in Philly.

Speaker 1 I haven't even told you this? No. And he got fucking hammered.
He got shit faced at dinner and he got beef, burgundy.

Speaker 1 And then we got back to my apartment. He was fucking puking.
He was like, Shine,

Speaker 1 don't follow me. I was just filming out.
I asked him how to record.

Speaker 1 Can I record this? And I was like, I'm not.

Speaker 1 Then he showed it to my wife. I try and say that we work hard when we're on the road.
He's like, Jack, so fucked up. We're getting vomiting.
Beef, burgundy.

Speaker 1 But the beef, burger, and yon, like in between, he vomits so loud. It's like, oh, here's a problem that I do have.

Speaker 1 And then he goes, oh,

Speaker 1 too much. Beef, burgundy, young.

Speaker 1 I don't know how to throw up quietly. It's not an easy thing to manage.
Is vomiting accented? I never thought about that. No, I can make a noise.
Is vomiting accented?

Speaker 1 Yeah, at the very end of it, you can hear a little Australian. He's like, oh,

Speaker 1 it's the chanda. That's why it has a special name.
Beef, burgundy, yum. Damn, what would an Asian vomit be like?

Speaker 1 Beef and beat it.

Speaker 1 It's got to be, it's got to be slightly accented. Yes.

Speaker 1 You found.

Speaker 1 I think at the end of a black vomit, you'll, God damn,

Speaker 1 goddamn.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to make fun of you.

Speaker 1 Take you on the podcast and let everybody know about it. I'm not going to make fun of you.

Speaker 1 He's walking shirtless back to the bathroom. That's a burgundy on shovel.

Speaker 1 That's the burging yon shovel.

Speaker 1 I like me a lot.

Speaker 1 You don't have to lock it.

Speaker 1 You don't have to lock it.

Speaker 1 It's pretty weird.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, no. Get the burgundy on.
It's very funny.

Speaker 1 I'll leave you alone. All right.
I'm done.

Speaker 1 But wouldn't that be a good

Speaker 1 idea? Like at the end of a sitcom, the credits come up, and then he goes, Ah, Bourguignon. Bourguignon.
Absolutely. I think that was the Bourguignon coming up.
It was great.

Speaker 1 It was not Bourguignon's fault.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's one of my favorite moves.
I had the Beaujolais with the Bourguignon.

Speaker 1 What were you drinking? I was drinking beautiful wine.

Speaker 1 I cannot pace myself with wine. It's very...
I'm telling you, wine used to be like fucking badass drinks. Like, that was like fentanyl back in the 20s.
Undiluted wine?

Speaker 1 Wine was for like for real, like sailors and badasses.

Speaker 1 It was considered like kind of, if you're doing like 1910, or like even like the late 1800s, if you drank wine, you were like an absolute fucking mine. I think it went like winos.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they called it. When you read like Bukowski, he's like, I'm fucking in Skid Row with all the winos.
Exactly. You guys are just drinking wine?

Speaker 1 Dude, Franzia hit the block in like 1890, and dudes are like completely Frenzia made it to me. If you fucking get a box of that shit,

Speaker 1 do you know about the cocaine wine that the Pope was on? What? They would, yeah, back when like Coca-Cola and people were mixing cocaine with their products, there was a special cocaine wine.

Speaker 1 And the Vatican ordered like thousands of bottles of this wine and a Pope's loving it.

Speaker 1 Have you seen the Pope right now? He's not doing well. well.
He looked like shit. Yes.
We might have a confidence. Is Pope John Paul? No.

Speaker 1 Frankie. Francis.
He looked like Francis. He had like bronchitis, they said, so he couldn't even talk.
He was just out there like.

Speaker 1 He's been unwell for a while. He's not stepping down.
His head is fucking neck fat. I mean, I'm not one to judge on that category, but goddamn.
Yeah, he'd be

Speaker 1 getting a good body.

Speaker 1 He's like. His neck fat is like.
Like the dude from Mad Max. He's just truly impressive.
Let me see this. I think he only had one lung to begin with.

Speaker 1 He has double pneumonia. Like, he's both

Speaker 1 lungs. We must pray for the pope.
I'm not making fun of him, but they did him dirty with this.

Speaker 1 Damn, he's. I didn't realize the pope was that fucked up.
He's only like the Washington Post was doing him dirty on this.

Speaker 1 Dude.

Speaker 1 Sleepy. Yeah, they don't got to do that to him.
Yeah, that's

Speaker 1 a grandparent at the end. I mean, again, I'm not going to say I'm not going to rush this Pope, but we do need a new Pope.
It's time. I'm ready for cool young American Pope.
A young Pope activated me.

Speaker 1 I love loved it. It's like, that's what the church needs.
When do we elect Francis? Wasn't it?

Speaker 1 Oh, like ages ago. It was like 10 years ago.
He was the first guy to come out. 10 years ago.
It's a hard job. He was looking all right.
It was, yeah, he was decent.

Speaker 1 He had a bit of a twinkle in his eye. Double pneumonia, cocaine, wine.

Speaker 1 Beef, burgundy.

Speaker 1 He's got the burgundy going. That would be a cool life in like the absolute, utter, like the top hierarchy of the church would be probably sick as hell.
Have you seen the new Conclave movie?

Speaker 1 No, it ain't good. It's not as good as the young pope.
That's all I could think.

Speaker 1 But it is they, it's great until the last 10 minutes when you find out, spoiler, that the uh, the guy they've just elected is uh intersex pope with a womb,

Speaker 1 and then it's like it's written by a Church of England guy, so they're all just like very sensitive. Like, wouldn't that be interesting? What is a man?

Speaker 1 And you go, this was a great drama about one of the one of the candidates had a secret family. He was black and homophobic, and people are like, You only like him because he's black.

Speaker 1 And they're all having it. It's great.
There's like arguments, and what's the future of the church?

Speaker 1 And then, just at the end, there's a terrorist attack, and people go, Let's get the trans woman or the intersex person. It's a problematic.
But Ray Fiennes is great. And Stanley Tucci,

Speaker 1 everything's Stanley Tucci. Do they have like a serious religious drama that ends with a trans pope? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Intersex pope. Fuck.
Oh, shit. You mean like a natural one? Like a natural one? Yeah, like it's a little Mexican guy who's like, I found out that I had a uterus.

Speaker 1 I guess they're killing the Mexicans with this trans shit. What? They got this and fucking.
Have they got another big trans movie? It's a big Mexican trans movie. Really? Amelia.

Speaker 1 It's like getting all the Oscars. Oh,

Speaker 1 Amelia Perez. I watched it.
How was it? It's fucking terrible. It's one of the worst pieces of shit I've ever seen.
It's about a Mexican trans? It's about a cartel leader that transitions. Nice.

Speaker 1 They quit the cartel, and the way they're hiding is transitioning. Okay.
But instantly, the character becomes like a sympathetic character. Oh, I thought you were.

Speaker 1 It's like, yeah, they were just beheading everyone. It's like, oh, they're trans.
You're like, oh, I love them. So they want.
And it's a fucking musical

Speaker 1 with not really good singing.

Speaker 1 Sounds great. As a description, if someone said, this is my cartoon trans musical, that sounds

Speaker 1 good.

Speaker 1 It's a cool idea. It's a cool premise.

Speaker 1 Cartel boss becomes Queen of the South, basically. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Becomes a trans. And then comes back.
They think the family thing, then he misses Delphires, the family. Nice.
It truly does. He comes back to his family and he's like, it's me.
What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Damn. Which it was clearly him.
Are you sure you weren't watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians? No.

Speaker 1 We had that conversation. For real.
While we were watching it, it was like, damn, this is what it must have been like.

Speaker 1 Where like a little girl is holding, or he's holding a little girl as a woman now. And the little girl's like, I just miss my dad so much.
He, like, I miss the way he smelled. He was, I loved him.

Speaker 1 And the

Speaker 1 Mrs. Delphi's like,

Speaker 1 do you ever see the Kardashians episodes where Bruce is obviously starting to transition into Caitlin? No. They're hiding it from the audience.

Speaker 1 There's like two seasons where it's just the hair gets longer, gets smoother. He moves out of the house.
They go, the marriage is fine. I'm just living in a different house across town.

Speaker 1 But then it's still.

Speaker 1 He just like long, weird hair, just demolishes everybody in table tennis. He's working through some feelings.

Speaker 1 Just beating all the other Kardashians in table tennis.

Speaker 1 It's a great weird arc where everyone's going, this is normal. Nothing's wrong.
Nothing strange has happened. I mean, that was...

Speaker 1 I still, I've like forever tipped my hat to the Bruce Caitlin. It's a wild move.
Yeah. Just to be like, peace.
Because then that forces your wife to divorce you. Yes.

Speaker 1 And you can be like, I didn't want this. Many a time in a bad relationship I thought about.
Because you never want to break up with someone. You want them to break up with you.

Speaker 1 That's how I always felt.

Speaker 1 It's like, well, if I could become gay, or if I genuinely was trans, then you'd have to leave. And just to sweeten the deal, you get to be a lesbian.
It is sick. Bruce is a lesbian, or excuse me.

Speaker 1 Caitlin is a lesbian. Caitlin with a C was the nastiest one.
Good for you.

Speaker 1 Caitlin is a lesbian, which is like to break up, to get divorced and become a lesbian might be dunking on a lady as hard as you possibly can. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Be like, I'm a fucking girl. And still fucking.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did Bruce go the whole

Speaker 1 pardon me? Excuse me.

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 Bless you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Did the Jenner person remove the sex organ? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I don't think so.

Speaker 1 If they did not,

Speaker 1 you're exactly right. This is the ultimate.
Yeah. It's the best move possible.
You have tits. Just get some fucking jugs.

Speaker 1 Hold up. Sex ring? Good and all.

Speaker 1 In 2017, Caitlin Jenner underwent a bottom surgery. Whoa.
In what year? 2017. Okay.

Speaker 1 So that thing has been gone for a while. Oh, that thing's been gone.

Speaker 1 Well, hey, man,

Speaker 1 you can fully Les out now.

Speaker 1 Certainly, you definitely can't come. There's no way if they build you a vagina, you can't.
Dude, where would the orgasm come from?

Speaker 1 Caitlin, dude. You're making me sick right now.
Why? Probably talking about other people's generals. They didn't push it on you.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you've been to a public library. That's all it is.
Back to back. You probably still get that prostate going.

Speaker 1 And it's just just probably, it's probably like a nuclear explosion when you cut off the fucking D's and B's. You probably puke it out.

Speaker 1 Where's it go?

Speaker 1 You go, oh, beef, bag, and y'all.

Speaker 1 There's nothing further from coming

Speaker 1 that particular moment.

Speaker 1 It's a great question. I know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know. Can they still hit the prostate on,

Speaker 1 right? I think they somehow attach your old penis head to your belly button so that you can kind of like a remote control.

Speaker 1 Mine might fit. Mine might not break the surface.
I got a deep belly button and a tiny bone. It'd be perfect.
I think my uncertainty. You'd be uncertain.
This will be my little secret.

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I have a little door in my shirt. It's a little joystick.
What are you doing?

Speaker 1 A little door. I go, ooh.
The Indian in the cupboard. Yeah, that is.
That's a good idea. That's a great movie.
I don't know why that disappeared.

Speaker 1 I don't know why people are celebrating Indian in the cupboard. They never pushed.
There's no like Indian in the cupboard. I guess maybe they're.
Yeah, because the Indians are. Was that one?

Speaker 1 And the bird that could talk in the basement. I think it was called Paulie.
Remember, there was a little parrot in the basement who lived a beautiful movie. I don't remember that one.

Speaker 1 I remember the We Indian in the Cupboard. Yeah.
I remember. That was a pro-Indian movie, I think.

Speaker 1 Wasn't it? I don't remember. He wasn't just a toy.
He was a

Speaker 1 little bit of a girl. I don't think I was.
Yeah, for sure. But you're probably kind of like pissed at, like, you know, if you're Native American, you're like, we're in a fucking cupboard now.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? If you don't want to be a sports team, a kick-ass sports team, you don't want to be a tiny, yeah, you don't want to be a tiny white child's toy in a cupboard.

Speaker 1 But he learns peace with the cowboy. Right.

Speaker 1 I think that was the point of the movie. Yeah, I don't even remember it.
They probably wanted revenge. They were in the cupboard.
They brought all the toys to life.

Speaker 1 But then the cowboy toys were like, we're getting him. We're getting that Indian.

Speaker 1 That'd be a cool movie if, like, you know, they did that movie when Hitler won, like, quote-unquote, if the Native Americans won. That'd be cool.
That would be sick.

Speaker 1 We lost and just all became Native Americans.

Speaker 1 Everyone is last samurais.

Speaker 1 All the Europeans that came here just kept losing. Yeah.
For 400 years. Yeah.
Everyone's gonna stop. I'm going.
I'm gonna fucking get it this time. I think the Ethiopians are getting a lot of people.

Speaker 1 Nope.

Speaker 1 One of us, brother.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The Ethiopians. They kept trying to take the Ethiopians.
They held on. Did they really? And the Siamese managed to hold on.
The Thai people. I think they're the only ones who got their own monarchy.

Speaker 1 And the Japanese. That's it.
Yeah. Ethiopia.
They all had great music in the world. Ethiopia held it down.
Held down the battle. Even when the WAPs came and knocking recently.
Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Mussolini tried to get in there. Although they do have, Ethiopians do have a very distinct, I guess because they're on like, are they on like towards the tip of the city?

Speaker 1 Oh, there was a guy in Chicago.

Speaker 1 No, this is all right. This is weird.
But

Speaker 1 they don't, there's like a ruling class of Ethiopia, and they don't think it's biological. They can't find like a gene that does it.

Speaker 1 But if you joined the ruling class of Ethiopia and they're all from all over the place, they all just start looking the same. For some reason,

Speaker 1 no one can figure it out. What? It's very strange.
But you can pick Ethiopian.

Speaker 1 I can see. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Ethiopian and Somalian are very distinct. Yeah.
Yeah. Kenyan.
I'm getting better at Kenyan. Tribes within Kenya.
I got nothing. Yeah.
I cannot.

Speaker 1 You'll figure it out. Maasai.
Yeah, I used to deliver beer to a couple of Ethiopian restaurants back in the day.

Speaker 1 And I remember being like, yeah, once you get in, you're like, oh, Oh, yeah, I could spot these dudes from anywhere. Yeah,

Speaker 1 the 7-Eleven by our old house, yeah, yep, Ethiopian fellas, great Ethiopians. I went on a date with the owner of that 7-Eleven

Speaker 1 brief one date. What? Yeah, no, no, no, the owner's daughter.

Speaker 1 I met the owner, dude. That was a guy, dude.
That was an Ethiopian guy, the owner's daughter. I went on a date with the owner's daughter, and I was like, kind of starstruck.

Speaker 1 She's like, My dad owns a 7-Eleven, a Lancaster.

Speaker 1 You're like, bro, I've been in that slide. I walked this store.
I've been so high high in that store so many times.

Speaker 1 It was cool. We just like.
Damn, have you ever met the black guy that opens the door?

Speaker 1 He's the man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was really, I was remember being like, what the fuck? Yeah. Holy shit.

Speaker 1 That's beautiful. Yeah, there was a 7-Eleven near Drexel University that was just,

Speaker 1 I think it was honestly at the highest-grossing 7-Eleven. It had to be.
It was non-stop. Is there anything special about the 7-Eleven or just the price of the 10-year-old?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was just right on a college. The champions were great.

Speaker 1 The champions are also beautiful ladies. Yes.
Yeah. Very much so.
But yeah, there was the line.

Speaker 1 Some of the dudes there had a bit of attitude.

Speaker 1 Like

Speaker 1 some of the cashiers, yeah, some of the youngsters had a bit of an attitude. But they were getting.

Speaker 1 The clientele seemed to have the biggest attitude. They were getting assaulted.
I ran into the clientele a lot. Yeah.

Speaker 1 True. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I will say the drunk college kids and the locals. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've witnessed.

Speaker 1 The locals and the drunk college kids.

Speaker 1 Everyone was disrespecting the

Speaker 1 disrespectful. A lot of Mr.
Disrespectful.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was very much. I remember witnessing my first ever

Speaker 1 black American versus Middle Eastern, which I believe Ethiopian could be almost mistaken for Middle Eastern.

Speaker 1 And it's, dude, it was

Speaker 1 unforgiving.

Speaker 1 Unforgiving of just trying to get a salmon cream cheese bagel and just being like, put it on there, Obama.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Mine was a lottery ticket dispute.

Speaker 1 I was the,

Speaker 1 they almost like looked at me as like a mediator. Both sides kept going

Speaker 1 to me. Like I was next in line and they kept going like successful lottery ticket?

Speaker 1 How do you have a lottery ticket dispute? It was just taking, I think there was a language barrier a little. He wanted to buy, it was about, it wasn't even redeeming a prize.

Speaker 1 It was getting the opportunity. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it was redeeming tickets. I think the guy was maybe going too slow for the customers.
He wanted his money to get more scratchy. He wants his money and he wants it now.

Speaker 1 Do you call them scratchies?

Speaker 1 Yeah, scratch off. Yeah, scratch offs.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Back on that.
Huh? I lost my card, so now I have to pay with my phone. Like, I have to pay ahead of time because I can't insert the card.
I'm waiting.

Speaker 1 But then when I overpay and there's a little gap in the amount of gas to what I've given them. Get some scratches.
Give me the scratchies. Don't need to read.
Oh, no, because you got to prepay.

Speaker 1 You're scratching.

Speaker 1 That's all I want to spend my excess money on.

Speaker 1 I try not to, I'm not overdoing. I'm not going, give me $400 worth of gasoline.

Speaker 1 There are the $100 scratch-offs. I've seen people do those and it's like

Speaker 1 crazy.

Speaker 1 When When I was door-to-door sales, I would do that to get through the day. I would walk around with that.
That's how I knew.

Speaker 1 I didn't realize I was depressed selling cable television door-to-door until a couple weeks later, I was like, I didn't used to spend $50 on scratch-off tabs every day.

Speaker 1 That's new.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a, I always forget.

Speaker 1 I mean, a lot of people play them. They're big, man.
My old boss used to rip like several $100 scratch-offs daily. And it was just like, bro, put them down.

Speaker 1 See, your fingers start getting discolored from a little bit. You can tell that there's a problem.
There's a lot of lint flying around. A little

Speaker 1 panny bits of plastic. I kind of, yeah, that sounds nice.
A little scratchy? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're exciting. It's a great birthday present for a child.
It's the one bit of gambling that you can get a child in on. Yeah, true.
And then they go, let me see what you get there.

Speaker 1 Let me see that.

Speaker 1 That would be nice to get a kid a gambling gift.

Speaker 1 Do you not do that here? Give him a card. Yeah, we give scratch-offs, but I'm saying, like, I placed a futures bet on the Anaheim Angels for you.
For you. $150.

Speaker 1 This thing's going to pay out fucking crazy if they win.

Speaker 1 It's a nice thing.

Speaker 1 That'd be it. Putting together parlays for your...
Yeah, I put together a nice parlay for you. Yeah, we'll see.
It looks like it might hit next year. We'll see.
That's kind of cool. 50 bucks on it.

Speaker 1 Not bad. Yeah.
And if it doesn't hit, you owe me. If it doesn't hit, I'm coming back.
Do you know what the Eurovision?

Speaker 1 You owe me. There's going to be, there's a big.
Do you know what the Eurovision song contest is? Yeah. This is what I

Speaker 1 always think about gambling on it, but this is the year that I finally take it seriously because I think I can pick which song is going to win. They let you know what all the songs are beforehand.

Speaker 1 Every country in Europe has their own song, and then they compete and they vote. But

Speaker 1 I think I could pick the winning song. How would you make that? I would listen to them and feel it in my heart.
What was the correct song? What show was this? Eurovision Song Contest.

Speaker 1 We should be doing that in America. We should go state by state.
They tried it once. They tried it once.
We should be doing it. It was an enormous failure.
I don't know why. We got to bring it back.

Speaker 1 We should do state by state everything. We should do a state.
We have a fighting contest that'd be cool yeah yeah like you have america olympics basically yeah

Speaker 1 i like america yeah why do we stop at high school well i guess we have like the nfl oh trump was just talking about this really yeah this is one of trump's first day playing the america olympics yeah like the great yeah he's like we're gonna have football he's like every state

Speaker 1 remember he was talking about like having an american fair what like staff are

Speaker 1 like in that we're gonna have the american games well it's like everyone has a football team with the like from their state that's great we do we do that in Australia. Steelers and Eagles.

Speaker 1 No, no, high school. Oh.
Be like all-star teams from each state. That'd be the sickest thing ever, dude.
Yeah, what the fuck? Just Wyoming is going to get crushed by Rhode Island and California.

Speaker 1 California, Texas, Rhode Island, and Connecticut. They're going to get the Ocan man out there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, his World Fair. Dude, a World Fair now would be nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why haven't we had one?

Speaker 1 Because the French showed you up one time. True.
The Mud Slides. The The mud slides.
Wait, what was the mudslides? Oh, don't even don't even know what's going on.

Speaker 1 Do you have a ditch in a world's fair? No. You don't want to know about the mud floods and the history of Tartaria.

Speaker 1 No, we don't want to talk about Tartaria. What's Tortaria?

Speaker 1 Are this the Secret Society? We don't want to talk about Tartaria and the hit of Tarfa. They're covering up all these beautiful architectures with just bricks and shit.
Come on, man. I don't know.

Speaker 1 They're trying to hide it. And why are the windows in the ground? Wait, what's Tartaria have to do with the fucking World Fair?

Speaker 1 We don't want to know about Tartaria.

Speaker 1 I want to to ask him. No, I don't.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Did you ever read Wimbledog, the script I gave you? Oh, yeah. No, I did not.
You did not? Okay. I did not.
Because

Speaker 1 I don't think I've ever spoken to Matt about it, and I've not spoken about it publicly. But you lost me on the pitch.
I did lose you on the pitch when I said the coach was fat.

Speaker 1 He was like, the coach is just a big, fat, ugly fucker. I didn't say that.
He was like, I want you to play him. And I was like, oh, all right, you piece of shit.
I'm a bad guy.

Speaker 1 Heavy set for a tennis player. But I wanted to.

Speaker 1 It's a story about an

Speaker 1 older coach who can't play anymore. And if they find it.
You're sure you want to put the script out because this is big.

Speaker 1 All right, go on. You think I shouldn't describe it?

Speaker 1 I'll just say it's about a dog who plays tennis.

Speaker 1 We're now making it a go to the bottom. I'll keep going because I like what happens in Japan.
All right.

Speaker 1 There's a little girl who has a dog. And he's a golden retriever.
He's very good at tennis. It's airbud, but

Speaker 1 this old coach is like, I want to win a golden slam. I want to win.
I want to take this dog to all the great grand slams and win. And that's the only thing worth doing in tennis.

Speaker 1 But the first one they have to go to is Japan. And

Speaker 1 Wimbledon runs into a PR disaster. Yeah, I want him to not shake a guy's hand.
And everyone is very embarrassed. They're like, great dishonor to not shake a man's hand.

Speaker 1 And they start throwing swords because they want the dog to commit suicide. And then the dog goes up to the opponent's bag and opens it.
And child pornography and marijuana come out of the bag.

Speaker 1 And people go, he was a bad guy. Wimbledog was right not to shake his hand.
But then they're only upset about the marijuana.

Speaker 1 they're like the child pornography was good that was some of the best child pornography we've ever seen we love that in japan but marijuana we don't tolerate at all but i think this is a good family movie i'm gonna i'll say it to you again we're making it a graphic novel and i appreciate i asked very briefly and you said yes and i didn't get a commitment publicly but I'm using your we've started the artwork for Wimbledon.

Speaker 1 I've used your likeness in that graphic novel

Speaker 1 about.

Speaker 1 Well, hold on a second. I didn't know it was about child.
I didn't know the child

Speaker 1 happened. You shut it down.
You shut it down. Okay, good.
You're not doing the child pornography.

Speaker 1 It's also not you. It's a character that looks exactly like you in a graphic novel that a man, a beautiful man in Tulsa, is drawing at the moment.
But

Speaker 1 I think you should. If you ever get time.
Well, what happens to Louis with Wimbledon? I don't want to spoil the story about how he has to fight a robot dog at the end with the American Open.

Speaker 1 There's also a role for Matt. as the evil villain in charge of the tennis federation who's offended that there's a dog competing

Speaker 1 Wimbledon, I mean, stand-up comedy, that was my Love Me Do. This is my Sergeant Peppers, Wimbledog.
Yeah. I'm moving into the future.
I really

Speaker 1 believe in it.

Speaker 1 That's all. It doesn't have to be that.
I've been dabbling in graphic arts as well.

Speaker 1 I've seen the cartoons I was inspired.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. True.
Prostitute. Secret Prostitute Garfield Patreon project.
No, I don't know about this now. Secret Prostitute.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Miss Lasagna, bro.

Speaker 1 Someone, a secret artist, sent me a comic strip. It's really, actually really well done.
And you're funny. You're the Medici family.

Speaker 1 I'm the Medici family. I was like,

Speaker 1 you're saying, I need more art. He goes, I don't know what to do with this.
I'm like, bro, please let me put this on the Patreon. Everyone hates it.
I can't stop putting it up there.

Speaker 1 It's about Garfield becoming a trans streetwalking prostitute.

Speaker 1 And then just John trying to get Garfield off the streets. I would have made him a John.
That would have been so easy.

Speaker 1 John would be trying to buy.

Speaker 1 No, John is, John's appalled. Just sweet little kitty.
Yeah. Then John falls into the underworld in an effort to save Carfield.
What's the dog doing?

Speaker 1 What's the dog?

Speaker 1 He's part of the Yakuza.

Speaker 1 Damn, you guys are overlapping a little.

Speaker 1 Oh, America's ready for a beautiful story about a dog that does. Dude, for real, dog sports.
Dog sports. It's almost like a big genre.
And then it went away.

Speaker 1 Hollywood complains that no one's going to see movies, and then they're making

Speaker 1 weird trans-Mexican cartel musicals. Make a movie about a dog that wins at sport, and people will flock back to the cinema.

Speaker 1 People were, Airbud had what they have three Airbuds, it was football and

Speaker 1 probably a couple basketball ones, yeah. Yeah, Airbud went to space.
I didn't know that, space bud.

Speaker 1 I knew he went to space. Movie Val Hall.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 Beethoven was a great dog who saved the family. Lassie was a great dog.
Homeward Bound is a great dog movie. Yeah, I mean, I watched that a bunch of times with my kids recently.
Shadow. Chances, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hold on, what's the

Speaker 1 cat's name? Yeah,

Speaker 1 Chance Shadow. There's 14 but movie.
Missy? 14. Missy.
Holy fuck. It's Missy.
Is it? I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I loved the fuck out of that movie.
It got me every time. It got me every time.
Shadow fell.

Speaker 1 I didn't see it coming.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen my dog skip?

Speaker 1 Frankie Munes. He's got a beautiful dog.
And when it seems like the dog dies, it's really? Dog dying in a movie is the only time I really cry. Yeah.
Yeah. It's a good move, though.

Speaker 1 All the animals at Homeward Bound died. Like, they killed a bunch of animals making that movie.
Are you sure you're not thinking of Milo Otis? Oh, yeah. Milo Oris.
Milo Onotis. They were.

Speaker 1 Because they lived. They survived in the end.
That was the

Speaker 1 Korean or Japanese. Milo Notis used to be my go-to.
They killed a bunch of dogs to make pugs? It was a puppy pug and a kitten. You'd have to.

Speaker 1 And at one point, they fight a bear. And apparently they were just tossing those things.
There was nothing to do that. For real? Yeah, they filmed it for real, and they finally got it.

Speaker 1 I think the bear finally got full from pugs.

Speaker 1 That could be true.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, they definitely in Homeward Bound threw a cat into a river.
They also do that in

Speaker 1 Milo Notice, and they lost a couple cats in the river. Used to be able to kill animals in movies.
Now they've always got a thing saying no animals were harmed.

Speaker 1 I was watching an old Russian movie and a horse really falls down the stairs. What? That was a hard watch.
And then I watched Apocalypse Now. Apocalypse Now is nuts.
They just have a cow at the end.

Speaker 1 They cut a cat. By the Apocalypse.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they just like hack and like.

Speaker 1 If they didn't eat it afterwards, that's good. Yeah, it was.

Speaker 1 He filmed like a real actual ritual. Yeah, like

Speaker 1 Francis Ford Coppela's wife was like, I just saw some villagers hacking a cow apart. Do you want to put that in the movie? And he went, all right.
Obviously.

Speaker 1 It needs something in the third act to really kill it.

Speaker 1 Milo Noto is directed by Masanori Hata. Oh, no.
Khan Ichikawa. I didn't know it was a Japanese movie.
It is. I didn't know that either.

Speaker 1 I've heard, what's his name? Lewis talked about this. It was very funny.
Yeah. Lewis Gomez was the first person I heard break this story.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 they were tossing some dogs.

Speaker 1 They'd have to get a new replacement pug every time. Pugs luckily look pretty similar.

Speaker 1 Have you seen their skulls? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can't stop thinking about it. What's up with their skulls?

Speaker 1 It's a circle.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yeah. It's the ugliest, weirdest.
We did that to them. I know.
Well, Chinese emperors did that to them to have just a fun little thing.

Speaker 1 That must have been so tight when you finally turned turned a wolf into a tiny little thing. You've done it.

Speaker 1 Whoa, what the fuck? And when they sneeze, their eyes fall out sometimes. Really? Pugs are great.
That was another movie I did. I wanted someone, all right, like greyhound racing.

Speaker 1 Does it have to be a greyhound? Maybe there's a guy who thinks his pug has it in him, you know? But then at the end, the dog sneezes and its eyes fall out.

Speaker 1 And a Japanese businessman throws it at a bear.

Speaker 1 Having a movie, a heartwarming story about a pug that ends in its eyes falling out from sneezing would be pretty great. And then be like, we're just raising awareness to pug deformity.

Speaker 1 But then, like, what do you do? Just wipe out the pugs? Let's breed it with a slightly longer-faced

Speaker 1 breeding the nose back into the pug. The pug nose restoration project.

Speaker 1 Society. And you're just making pugs have six with great dads over time.
Tommy Pope had a pug, and it makes me laugh. That's funny.
He had a long, it was huge. He showed me a picture of it.

Speaker 1 It was like a fucking 10-foot-long pug.

Speaker 1 It was laying flat on the porch with its arms and legs out. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 This is the biggest pug I've ever seen. He was like, oh, that's Bufferini Marie.

Speaker 1 His pug's name was Bufferini Marie. Was it a wiener dog mixed with a pug? No, it was just a straight pug.
It was just a big one. What?

Speaker 1 I just love that it had a WAP name, Bufferini Marie.

Speaker 1 Think of it. Dommy Pope with a pug.
Bufferini Marie. Hey, Bufferini.
Bufferini Marie is so funny. I never really thought about being a dog in an Italian household.
Probably going to hit.

Speaker 1 No, it's probably creepy. I think about it every day.
I wake up and I think if I was a dog at an Italian household with all the pasta that they, you know, the problem with that pug?

Speaker 1 The non-know was there. You're so skiing.
Let's give her the dog. It's got to be like dramatic.
It's got to be like the Roman Empire. You're just at the top.

Speaker 1 You're being treated like a fucking absolute god. Yeah, true.
Next thing you know, they're rising up against you. You're just going to sweat.

Speaker 1 You're eating delicious cuisine set on like a nice silk pillow. It's better than Irish dog.
Irish dog had some worse.

Speaker 1 Dude, our dogs got beat. I thought you could hit dogs until like maybe six years ago we've discussed it i've witnessed phil phil punched he punched dogs

Speaker 1 he punched them in the head the dog was being bad

Speaker 1 he hit riggings he popped rigged that was recently he get his shoulder into it or is it just a little like a jab to the top of the dog's head you know

Speaker 1 what was that he's frowned upon dude it was so normal man i would see i saw dogs getting beat like

Speaker 1 i would there was one

Speaker 1 there was one house

Speaker 1 I would go to one house where if the dog was seen in the kitchen, it would be viciously kicked as hard as possible every day.

Speaker 1 I saw it was just a daily occurrence.

Speaker 1 It would be in the kitchen. It was like this orange, shitty mutt.
It was like a fat, it would look like a lab mixed with like a, like a dingo.

Speaker 1 It was just a shitty, standard, yellow, 55-pound fat mutt. And if it was spied in the kitchen, it would try to like go under the little countertop.

Speaker 1 Good for him, though. He'd just keep going back.

Speaker 1 He's like, Oh, you guys can't hurt, bro. Right home from work and just being like,

Speaker 1 Hard as possible.

Speaker 1 To not learn the lesson is a beautiful thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That shows that they're not being too abusive because the dog's still got hope. Yeah.
I think this dog was just dumb. I think it would just be like

Speaker 1 it just was like

Speaker 1 get cold and be like, I'm going to go lay in the sun. And we'll just like lay in the sun for four hours.
And then you wake up to just a giant man and be like, God damn it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if it was spotted in the kitchen,

Speaker 1 it was supposed to stay in the mudroom and just like cold tile floor.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 when I was little, we had an outside dog. We had a dog that did not really come inside that much ever.
And if it was off the leash, it would hop the fence and bite people.

Speaker 1 It was so bad. The craziest one is when you see a house where they have the big cages out front, the dog in the cage.

Speaker 1 I had an outside cage dog as an adult for a while. That's a scary thing.
I brought it in. It was only when we were working, it would sit in like a cage in the backyard and just howl.
Phil

Speaker 1 installed a giant chain link fence in our basement and we put Shaq in there and he would fucking break out. He would rip through the fence.
Still chew out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yep. Yeah.

Speaker 1 There was

Speaker 1 when I had the Akita and then there was like its brother, my ex-wife's like

Speaker 1 mom and stepdad got it. And then when we like when we separated houses to like when they're like mom and stepdad lived with us for a while, but for a little bit, we lived with them.

Speaker 1 them, I guess it was a mom's house. But they took their dog and they built like a dog jail in their basement and it totally like

Speaker 1 it out, yeah, destroyed it. Dude, you turn the lights out and leave it down there.
Yeah, they freak. It's gonna go nuts.
Well, they won't do it. They're like, there's dogs that are like, I'll die.

Speaker 1 Dude, Andrew's dog, Zeus,

Speaker 1 R.I.P. Zeus, but dude, it would literally...

Speaker 1 It jumped out of the second story one time.

Speaker 1 Because he didn't have windows in his house. When he said it would stand on the outside on this.
It would like stand on the roof. Yes.

Speaker 1 He was a three-story house. Bud Bud didn't have windows in his house for a long time.
So he had a window.

Speaker 1 He was living in a windowless house in West Philly, and his dog would get out on the third floor, go up on, it was like a parapet. It was like a roof.

Speaker 1 Like it was like the window, and then there was like a strip of roof, like this wide, and it would pace back and forth. It was huge.
A big fucking, it was like. Did it fail or it jumped?

Speaker 1 It's the second story. It jumped out of the second story, but it would just patrol.
So it would sit. It was in like, dude, it was in the fucking hood.

Speaker 1 And he had this giant, like, massive white pit bull that would stand on his third floor like a gargoyle. Yeah, it was fucking nuts.
It was actually

Speaker 1 good security, though. Dude, it for real was.

Speaker 1 I mean, I would get like superstitious if I saw that. Yeah.
It's walking by. And I actually, I've seen him.
He would just face and then just sit like this on the top on the third floor.

Speaker 1 That's the devil. It's literally an omen.
That is an actual demon. I know.

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Speaker 1 But yeah, R.I.P. Zeus, he was the best.
He would be in the basement. He would just like chew fucking pipes in the basement.
He was so funny.

Speaker 1 And once he got older, when the sun would go down, he would go. Remember, I brought him to our old house.

Speaker 1 I watched him for sports. Blue was my favorite.
Blue was great. Blue ripping the wood man's food right out of his hand was the craziest thing I've ever seen.
We were just,

Speaker 1 I know we talked about it a bunch of times over here, but whose dog was that? Was that Tom's. Tom? Yeah, R.I.P.
as well.

Speaker 1 He was so food at him. That dog was awesome.
He was so, yeah. He literally just walked.
Like, say, we're sitting here. Yeah.
Our friend Chris Wood was sitting down eating like a tortilla.

Speaker 1 He just would get a bowl of meat and put it in a tortilla and just sit there and watch it. Yeah.
A dog slowly walked up to him and just went

Speaker 1 and took the entire fucking thing out of his hand and then just walked away. Like it wasn't like it fucking grabbed it.
It literally just slowly walked up to him. I've never seen anything like it.

Speaker 1 It reminds me of O'Connor. We were just in

Speaker 1 Seattle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, O'Connor, when we were in Vancouver once, he got so fucked up, and the next day, he's like hungover, and I forget what he got. He might have got like a donut.

Speaker 1 And the seagulls are fucking huge out there. But O'Connor was standing there, and a bird just took it.
I had a chip. I had a fry once where that happened.
Just think of O'Connor being like, great.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is anyone going to do anything about these fucking birds? I had the exact same thing happen to me.

Speaker 1 It really stayed with me. It's a terrible memory.

Speaker 1 I was holding a French frog and a bird just took it. It was a seagull came and took it out of my hand.
Damn. I remember I talked about it on stage that night and I got nothing, but it was a lot to me.

Speaker 1 It was very hard to explain. Yeah, it's pretty intense.
Serious and upsetting. Dude, how'd you handle it? What did you do? I was so, it was kind of beautiful, but I was scared.

Speaker 1 I was upset. Did the beak get anywhere even near your fingers or was it like...
It was just gone. I just saw the bird and then I didn't feel it touch my hand.
It was just out.

Speaker 1 there was not a lot of i don't leave a lot of time between yeah quick i'm pretty close

Speaker 1 bucket to mouth type of operator i'll never forget when my cousin hit a seagull in the chest with a wiffle ball bat dude we were like we were we were throwing food to get him we were doing a creature storm just having him storm the fucking fun

Speaker 1 the creature storms are so funny so fun dude and we were just throwing up bread there was just so many seagulls getting closer and closer my cousin just came up with a wiffle ball bat went swamp right in the chest and dude it fucking dropped dead.

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We came out to investigate it. Huge.
Wings long as hell.

Speaker 1 Just a dead seagull in the front. Like a family walked by, and they're like, oh.

Speaker 1 It's sad.

Speaker 1 I saw a homeless guy punch a pigeon once. The pigeons were just running around the ground.

Speaker 1 That is a battle they've been battling for six years. But he was up here.
The pigeon wasn't doing anything anything to him. And he bent, he was just walking along calmly.

Speaker 1 And he bent all the way down and just fucking got a pigeon and kept walking. I mean, we've all had that thought.
That guy's just so.

Speaker 1 I couldn't believe the pigeon didn't move or anything, but it sensed his. They get, dude, those things are crazy.

Speaker 1 The ducks around where we live, dude, you can grab them by the necks. They don't give a song.
I love this bird talk. Yeah,

Speaker 1 we had a, you know, what's funny? The time we went to see Scorpion King. Yeah.
Me and my buddy had a creature storm at the beach. Did you really? Yeah, we did it with a a bag of Doritos.

Speaker 1 Dude, how sick is it? It was great. It's the fucking best.
Yeah, what are the odds? I hadn't heard creature storm before.

Speaker 1 You ever went to the beach and just threw like a loaf of bread and just let it get crazy with birds?

Speaker 1 But we would have like fish and chips on the beach, and there would be they'd come around like you know, you're a kid and you stay, and your dad goes, stop bringing them over.

Speaker 1 Okay, imagine your dad's not there and it's just you and the boys with as much bread as possible taking from the beach house. And you are ruining everyone's day.
Everyone, yeah.

Speaker 1 I I mean, as an adult, I'll try to wait till like 4:30, 5 p.m. when it's like not as crowded.
But, dude,

Speaker 1 there's some people there, and they are very upset. But you can get like, dude, you can get for real, like 500.
And then you can run. You can hold

Speaker 1 a bag of chips and run, and the storm will follow you. It's awesome.

Speaker 1 Now you control the storm.

Speaker 1 Running through a big pile of birds at the beach is one of my greatest happiness. What happened? When you just, there's like a big gathering of birds.
You just run straight out. They're right at them.

Speaker 1 I like watching the the little guys that run with the tide. That's fun.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just like to observe those guys. It's fun watching kids chase seagulls.
That's like an easy way to get kids tired. Like, go get the seagulls, and they'll just

Speaker 1 relentless like a fucking dog, just chase seagulls. And you get to watch them for long enough.

Speaker 1 You see who's the king seagull, and then you see the one sad seagull with like half a foot and his beak doesn't work. And he's

Speaker 1 trying to get the none of his buddy seagulls are looking after him, helping him get it. They just take a break.

Speaker 1 Do they have like a pecking order like chickens have? Definitely. Yeah, I would say.
The chicken pecking order is brutal, dude. Yeah, it's it's crazy.

Speaker 1 My cousin had, my brother and my cousin had chickens, and I didn't realize, like, if there's another rooster, the rooster will peck, literally take your, like, rooster crown off and be like, you're a fucking hen.

Speaker 1 You're getting nan pussy around here. I'm getting all the pussy.
They, like, they basically. What's that called when they kill each other? Doesn't like a.

Speaker 1 I swear to go, like, there's something that happens where they just, the whole coop will just kill itself. Really? Yeah.
But they'll just have a mass suicide in the coop?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they just start killing each other. Guys, get on that.
What happened? Yeah, check that out. I'm actually curious curious about that.

Speaker 1 Have you ever heard of the old Irish myth of the two cats who fought until only their tails were left? No. No.
That's a kid's sick myth. I just came across that.
That's good. It's old kills.

Speaker 1 What is the message there? This is mutual destruction. They fought and fought and fought until only their tails were left.
Like, what's the point of the fight after that?

Speaker 1 They've paid no attention to that.

Speaker 1 That has had no impact on the development of the Irish people.

Speaker 1 Speaking of, O'Connor got me that painting there. And that's a nice Irish brigade at Antietam.
Turns out, the guy looks exactly like Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 1 No, I was going to say he looks like...

Speaker 1 It kind of got ruined for me.

Speaker 1 You guys were like, he looks like Tony. You got a painting of Tony? I was like, no, it's fucking cool.
Who's the defense against the dark arts teacher in the second Harry Potter movie?

Speaker 1 No, you know, the Gilderoy Lockhart. The lady.

Speaker 1 No, the little... He looks like the Shakespearean actor.

Speaker 1 Oh. Do you know who I'm talking about? Not Little Finger.
Is it Littlefinger from Game of Thrones? No, but he also looks like Littlefinger from Game of Thrones. He does not look especially Irish.

Speaker 1 He is Irish, though. Yeah.
Captain Clooney. Yeah, I think he died right there.
Did he, really? Yeah. At Antietam.

Speaker 1 That would be kind of a sick way to go if you rally up a bunch of troops, then just get blown. The Irish Brigade would go.
They came to America to learn how to fight so they could bring it back. What?

Speaker 1 To England, yeah. That's kind of sad.
And he was apparently a monster. That's pretty cool.
That's right about him. They're like, he was the best soldier ever.
Really?

Speaker 1 He was just fearless and then, you know, got the best of him when he was like, I'll stand right in front of everyone. Yeah.
And got shot 20 times.

Speaker 1 He was a horse, so he was like, I don't care. Come on, boys.

Speaker 1 You can see it there. He's got some wounds.
Wasn't there like a... Yeah,

Speaker 1 he's literally falling down on that picture. He's fucking pussies.
Wasn't there a story of like a Vietnam. Wasn't there a war hero who had like a fantastic, they made a movie on it where he like

Speaker 1 he had this crazy charge where he killed like 60 people himself. And he went home for a while and he finally went back to war thinking like, I got this down, just died.
No, that was.

Speaker 1 uh, that was World War II, that was Basiloon, yeah, yeah. That's got a rest up, does he, really? Yeah, in Jersey, that's awesome.
You know about Ned Kelly?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Ned Kelly's our great bush ranger hero where he the cops were after him and he was like a sheep thief. And he built a suit of armor out of iron.
It's hilarious.

Speaker 1 It's like a cool hat that he built and the chest. And he just like stood and shot at the cops, and they were shooting at him.
He was shot something like a hundred times in the dick and legs.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was the movie's pretty good. I watched the movie.
Mick Jagger? Yeah. No, the movie.
No, there's a movie with Mick Jagger as Ned Kelly as well. They made a bunch of movies.

Speaker 1 We made it over and over again. Yeah.
We love that story. And they go, you'll never take me alive, Copper.
And then he said, such as life. He had cool quotes.
Yeah. Damn.
Where did he have the armor?

Speaker 1 There's one with Russell Crowe. He made it out of a trash can, I think, or something.
I didn't know Russell Crowe was in it. Everyone.
And the Oscar grouched them. He did.

Speaker 1 We have one of those. We have the Kill Dozer.
Killozer. I heard about the Kill Dozer.
He was the same thing. Yeah.
He was like, you guys are going to take my land?

Speaker 1 And then he went into the warehouse and spent three years building a

Speaker 1 killing machine. Did anyone ever make a movie about the kill dozer? No, I've only seen a documentary.
I don't know if you can't glorify acts of domestic terrorism.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't think the killdozer is in your passport as something to celebrate.

Speaker 1 That'd be a good sports team. What? Kill dozers.
Yeah. Give it 50 years and people will be ready.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ready to forgive and forget. It does take time.
They had to bring in like a sniper, like a 50-caliber sniper to try to get some bullets in there. It's pretty great.

Speaker 1 did he kill people no he was just driving through all his enemies houses

Speaker 1 it was incredible it's not if you get no fatalities and maximum i think he got no fatalities that's crazy yeah it was it was a bulldozer so it was going slow as fuck but no one could stop it so he like would go through someone's house and then be like all right i'm headed down to the fucking town hall

Speaker 1 just had to be like that fucking asshole what's the i think oklahoma city bombing they managed they injured a couple people no no hold on what am i thinking of there was one where they

Speaker 1 killed a bunch of kids. Oh, that's bad.
Hold on.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's an AT, no, an ATT building in

Speaker 1 Tennessee, Nashville. Yeah, that was recently.

Speaker 1 But he did it on Christmas Day.

Speaker 1 And he was playing music. And he was like, everybody, get out.
I'm blowing up the ATT building. I don't want to hurt anyone.
I just want to make ATT unhappy. What was his beef of ATT?

Speaker 1 I think it was NSA.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I thought he was just on the phone for too long.
True.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 It looks like Sauron, and Spud was like, if I had to look at that building every day, I would probably want to blow it up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if I was a little schizophrenic and they were like, there's a very scary terrifying tower there.

Speaker 1 It was a scary building? It's so scary. Yeah, it's like a window.
It was justified.

Speaker 1 Well, the architecture was terrible. Well, people had to pretend that the World Trade Center is a very good thing.
He was like, how beautiful.

Speaker 1 The new building instead of the World Trade Center is a little fountainhead reference. Which one? What did you say? Nothing.
I don't know why I'm remembering. Did you read the fountain here?

Speaker 1 Suddenly I'm remembering books.

Speaker 1 I'm taking it easy on the drinking. All of a sudden, I'm like, oh, I remember books.
I love

Speaker 1 fucking rules. The ending of the fountainhead is the most insane close of a book.

Speaker 1 Ah. Yeah, it's one of the best.
He's a great architect. He does a rape, and that is a problem.
The lady thinks it's hot, so that's a weird part of it.

Speaker 1 But moving past that, he's a great architect, and he lowers himself to design public housing. He's like, I'll build the best public housing.

Speaker 1 If I'm going to design public housing, it's going to be the best public housing. And they make it ugly.
So he destroys all of the homes for poor people.

Speaker 1 And And then he gives a beautiful speech about I had to do it, ugliness has no place. And the jury let him off because the speech is so good.
And then the book's over. What?

Speaker 1 But it's a book about the importance of destroying public housing. The projects.
Yeah, you've got to ruin the projects. It's crazy.
It's such a great book. That's crazy.
I did not get that out of it.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Funny synopsis.

Speaker 1 It's also about like relentlessly pursuing your goals and being the man. Clearly, yeah.
And all the mediocrity is trying to tear you down. Oh, it's Ayn Rand.
Yeah. Ayn Rand wrote that? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was her first big hit. I like it more than Atlas Shrugged.
I really liked Atlas Shrugged. I was a big Ayn Rand teenager.
I know. I didn't really know.

Speaker 1 It was like, I am the great man of history and everybody can.

Speaker 1 Was Ayn Rand a girl? Fucking the other. Yeah.
Okay, I thought so. Also, like, an old Russian lady.
Yeah, she has a lot of fun. I find her very sexually exciting.
She's great interviews.

Speaker 1 In all of her interviews, I think she's. I've never really taken a look at young Ayn Rand.
Young Ayn Rand is okay looking. There's a great interview.

Speaker 1 You prefer her older? She's like, I do not want a woman to ever be president. It would be wrong.

Speaker 1 Yo, bro.

Speaker 1 I know, it doesn't come across as much in the picture.

Speaker 1 She doesn't come across in the picture, but she has an energy. I'm telling you, she has an energy.
Steve Gerbin is a bad person. It's not the best picture of Ayn.
We all have bad pictures of Ayn.

Speaker 1 Ayn Rand is fucking busted, bro. Ayn Rand is ugly as shit.
She's a very sexy woman.

Speaker 1 I think Atlas shrugged, dude.

Speaker 1 Look at some videos of Ayn Rand and see the way she moves.

Speaker 1 She's one of the ugliest women I've ever seen.

Speaker 1 You're far right, dude. If you're about to say, everybody wants the bride's looking all right.
Then I went, oh, okay. I'm saying they're about.
I only found one picture. It's not about the look.

Speaker 1 Her mug's crazy, dude.

Speaker 1 And yet, despite that, she's very sweet. She looks like she spent at least a couple years underground.

Speaker 1 She may have. I don't know what have she went under in Russia, but it was.
Like, physically. But they don't like her because

Speaker 1 she was against communism. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She had a little dollar, lapel. She's like the frid mom.
What? So powerful. Damn.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, that's

Speaker 1 that'd be crazy living in like a depressed communist country and just smashing Ayn Rand. Yeah.
It's all you get.

Speaker 1 You get like two loaves of bread a month. A couple vodkas, potatoes.
True. A couple Ayn Rands kicking around.
You dig them up out of the dirt. You get this.

Speaker 1 Dig an Ayn out. You go, this is a tuna.
That fuck.

Speaker 1 This is a turnip. You go, never mind.
Just an Ayn Rand. It's Food for thought.

Speaker 1 When did you have your Ayn Rand? I didn't have you picked as a. Hillary Clinton's our Aye.

Speaker 1 That's kind of all I ever read. Was like classic classics.
It feels wrong to waste time. Oh.

Speaker 1 All right. I was reading about Roman Polanski this week.
I got in a big Roman Polanski Wikipedia wormhole. Allegedly a pedophile.

Speaker 1 Well, actually, openly.

Speaker 1 He gave an interview in 1985 where he was like, I fucked young girls. Everybody wants to do that.
He was like very open about it. He definitely says he does.

Speaker 1 Anyway, the French culture culture minister stood by him. This is getting back to literature in a second.
The French culture minister at the time was like, we must not deport this man.

Speaker 1 He's a great artist. We stand by that.
Then people read the French culture minister of the time's autobiography. And there's this big section where he was going to Thailand.

Speaker 1 He's like, I was at the boy brothels and these sweet boys, you can pay them. And it was the most erotic feeling.
His defense was that he wrote half novel, half autobiography, and it wasn't all true.

Speaker 1 But like, imagine being a politician and coming out with your biography.

Speaker 1 and there's a big section about how you love boy prostitutes in southeast asia and then but that was just put that in for a literary flourish yeah that was just him being like and i thought like norm's book is like that

Speaker 1 you know that's crazy

Speaker 1 a little something crazy in them

Speaker 1 but also he doesn't say which bits are made up he just says you can't trust all of this maybe that bit about me being a pervert in asia is uh norm's book i i got tricked by it i read it way too long before i realized it was a joke when he's committing prison rape?

Speaker 1 Way too long.

Speaker 1 I was on chapter three. So you got through him.
A lot. Like his uncle, like everything.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You thought the bit where he was on SNL because he was giving Lorne Michaels morphine was a legitimate thing?

Speaker 1 No, but I was like,

Speaker 1 yeah, it took, I was ashamed at how long it took. That's so funny.
Yeah. I read the first chapter without knowing it.
I was just kind of like, maybe he did bring him drugs. I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's such a great opening. I call this a recurring character.
Yeah, it was awesome. A lot of Adam Egot in there.
It's great.

Speaker 1 There's Adam Egot was the only person I got really starstruck by in America. And he finds it very.

Speaker 1 It's cool now. I think it's normal.
Every time I see him, I go, it's jerking off punks under a bridge for $15 a piece. It's the Adam Egot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's the man. He does rule.
Damn, I didn't know that guy wrote in his autobiography, like, and then it just detailed explanation.

Speaker 1 It's very, he's like, he talks about the incredible erotic feeling of being able to pick your boy.

Speaker 1 It's like, he's a member of the french government it does have a kind of one of those weird like seller pick your boy sound it's like cellar door it's like one of those poetic expressions

Speaker 1 being able to pick your boy the perfect

Speaker 1 phonetically yeah it's like it sounds kind of great

Speaker 1 i don't i don't with this

Speaker 1 dude you play video games with the girl characters you should be on megan's law for real playing with that is like number one like

Speaker 1 pedophying with girl characters no dude it's better do you think you gotta look at the character why not look at a hot lady my question.

Speaker 1 I think that's maybe why the trans thing happened because it's the first generation that grew up playing girl characters and seeing themselves as a girl all the time.

Speaker 1 And then they, that's just a thought. You don't think so? You don't bet what's going on? It's kind of true.
I never play the girl. Never.

Speaker 1 It's all about looking at the girl. Dude, you're living in a woman's body.
You're inhabiting, you're powering inhabiting a woman's body. I believe you, Nate.
You are very, very horny.

Speaker 1 I think you like playing as a girl.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 We were just playing UFC. You wanted to pick fucking female fighters.
It was the only way I could win.

Speaker 1 He did not. A little diwater man, then.

Speaker 1 I think Infinite Jest is a joke.

Speaker 1 What? The book? It's a great book. No, but I think the whole book is a joke.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Like, it's a joke by the author on the people reading it. No, I think he wrote it out of love.
Yeah, no. Did you read Infinite Jest? No, it's too long.

Speaker 1 I was shocked.

Speaker 1 Structurally, it's a joke, I think, because it's that long, and then all the action of the book takes place outside of the book. Like, you have to.

Speaker 1 There's so much time for him to describe the important things in the book, and he still doesn't do it. Yeah.
But I, no, I love that. That's why I think it's a joke.

Speaker 1 And then everyone just tries to figure out what it means. And it's like, no, it's just a joke.
No, it's not that. It's not that.
It's not as complicated as that. He said, I watched an interview.

Speaker 1 He wanted people to

Speaker 1 make something very hard you had to work for and so on. There's a real point to it.

Speaker 1 Because he thought technology was becoming so addictive, it would one day grow, or entertainment was growing with technology.

Speaker 1 It would become so addictive, it would one day just ensnare us completely, and we'd all lose ourselves. It's kind of a hard book, yeah.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 with like a thousand-foot page. But it's still fun, like it's very it's I laughed a lot.

Speaker 1 And then there's a great interview where he goes, once they have virtual reality pornography, I have to commit suicide immediately. He killed himself, and then he did.
Man of his word.

Speaker 1 I think it was for that. Hung himself, yeah.

Speaker 1 I never read it. I, I, it's good.

Speaker 1 I think it bothered me. What, the book? Yeah.
The first like million pages are pretty

Speaker 1 tough. And then once you get into it, it's just once they get to the tennis academy? Yeah, and you got to read it on a Kindle because there are a million footnotes.
I don't even know what it's about.

Speaker 1 It's about like a guy.

Speaker 1 So they made an entertainment cartridge that if you watch it once, you're fucked and you never take your eyes off it and your body will just like you'll just let your body get be completely destroyed.

Speaker 1 And it was made by

Speaker 1 pretty much. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 It's hell let loose. Yeah.
And it was amazing. I can order a Chipotle.

Speaker 1 It was made by a guy whose son was in a tennis academy, if I remember correctly. But the dad, after making it, it was like a failed filmmaker.

Speaker 1 But that one took off, but it was like a government weapon that Canada's filmed. It was a great scene where he comes home to his dad committing suit.
His dad puts his head in a microwave and cuts out.

Speaker 1 And it explodes his head. And the boy's like, the worst part is I walked in the house and my first thought was, it smells really good in here.

Speaker 1 It's a really funny. It's also about Quebec separatists.
It's about crippled. Is this a Canadian? Yeah.
No.

Speaker 1 But part of the joke is all of North America has become one country, but Quebec still wants to secede. But they only let crippled people become assassins.

Speaker 1 And you can tell when they're coming, where you hear the squeak.

Speaker 1 It's a really funny book. It is funny.
It's also about a drug addict who decides not to have painkillers when he's very seriously hurt. It's such a beautiful thing.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 Does that inspire your book at all?

Speaker 1 I mean, obviously, just reading it, I was like, this shit rules, but I could never. It strikes me, yeah.
Right now, Finnegan's Wake is inspiring me big time, but I can't understand any of it.

Speaker 1 I just read it and go, so I just read the footnotes and go, oh, wow, that's what that means. That's so fucking cool.

Speaker 1 I'm so envious that you have that. Like, if I read a footnote, I'm like, I'm done with it.

Speaker 1 See, I don't know. I got to read this sentence four times.
I still can't understand it. Once I see the asterisk, I go, oh, boy, he's going to be a good one.
I'm going to go.

Speaker 1 I'm going right to the footnote. I love footnotes.

Speaker 1 Infinite Jest is like, he'll do footnotes on the footnote. You got to have three bookmarks going while you read it.
But if you have a Kindle, you can just tap the link and it takes you to it.

Speaker 1 Kindle was nice for

Speaker 1 words I didn't know. In words, dude, I wouldn't have gotten to those ones.
Without a Kindle, I couldn't have read Infinite Just. Have you read The Sun Also Rises? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just finished it. I love it.
I just was waiting for his dick to start working the whole time, and it never did. We've talked about this.

Speaker 1 The first, I read the entire book and somehow missed in the beginning that his dick didn't work.

Speaker 1 There's nothing. I was furious.
At the end, when they're in the car and they're like, oh, we could have been something. I love you so much.
You're just like, why not? Fuck. What happened? You dumbass.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you got his dick injured. Did you read that for Heist? gets injured in the war.
Yeah. Yeah, I missed that point.
And this is what I love.

Speaker 1 He's recounting

Speaker 1 when his dick first got injured. I think I said this recently, but it's like

Speaker 1 he's in a hospital bed.

Speaker 1 It's all Italian guys making fun of him for his dick being blood, which is the nastiest, like of all the hospitals you could be in, an Italian hospital, and all these guys are going, your dick are done to work.

Speaker 1 Kill yourself. That's the worst thing that could ever happen to a man.
I just read the other one,

Speaker 1 Farewell to Arms. Is it good? That's the one that the guy throws out of a window in Silver Lining's Lining's playbook.
So I didn't want to read that. No, it's great.
All right.

Speaker 1 Especially the first, the beginning when it's about before he gets hurt. It's great.
The war scenes, it's awesome. He's such a good writer.
Yeah. He's probably my favorite.

Speaker 1 He didn't do that in high school and had to do like a blue book, like essay examination. I remember just being like, so fucking stunned.
I remember there was like a question on it.

Speaker 1 It was like, why, why doesn't he just bring it up on the date or like tell the lady or something like that?

Speaker 1 I remember in the essay, I distinctly remember writing like, it would be hard to be like, hi, my name's Jake, and my dick doesn't work. Yeah.
And the teacher literally underlined it.

Speaker 1 I was like, hilarious. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, you were right. Shout out Mr.
Quinn, dude.

Speaker 1 He was the guy who told us all to learn how to fake cry. He's like, it'll serve you so well in relationships.
He's like, if I get back to the business, how long did this man last in the cry system?

Speaker 1 He's like, I fake cry and my wife just caves every time. Holy shit.
Dude, I mean, that's terrible advice. That was good.
That's insane advice.

Speaker 1 It's awesome going. High school English.
And all boys' school. And the teacher being like, all right, enough of that lesson.
Women suck.

Speaker 1 You guys are about to find out. You got to learn how to fucking cry.

Speaker 1 I've picked my own syllabus. I've got to fucking ruin your life.
My own syllabus to teach your boys about women. I'm going to start with Hemingway.
He knows how to treat a lady. He does.

Speaker 1 We'll tag him up a little.

Speaker 1 Fucking hit him with a touch me, cunt.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I went to Hemingway's house, too. It's pretty sick.

Speaker 1 And when I was in Spain, I went on a nice Hemingway bar crawler. Now, have you been to the bullfighting? I didn't go to the bullfighting.
It's made bullfighting seem so. I don't think I would like it.

Speaker 1 I think I would get bored immediately after they kill the first bull. I was like, this is revolting.

Speaker 1 Through the whole book, I'm waiting for him to get an erection, and the bullfights come out. We go, surely he's getting hard at the bullfight.
And then he doesn't. No.

Speaker 1 And he goes for a swim, and he doesn't get an erection there. Such a good story, though.
What if your dick didn't work? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he just has to watch the love of his life just keep other men. Fuck a fucking bullfighter.

Speaker 1 And then, oh, young Hot Matador comes in. Young Hot Matador, and the guy, like, he loves bullfighting, and the guy who owns the hotel loves bullfighting.

Speaker 1 They're the only two who really understand bullfighting. They go, this man is special.
We've got to keep him away from loose women and hard drink.

Speaker 1 And then the woman he loves has sex with the bullfighter. And the guy in charge of the hotel looks at him like, you fucking impotent.

Speaker 1 No, you couldn't even, you couldn't even stop your degenerate friend from ruining the one beautiful boy. Brett.
Brett. Isn't that her name? She was so erotically charged.

Speaker 1 There was, oh man, there was one bit, like, it's all

Speaker 1 obliquely written and it's straightened. Like, we had Hemingway stuff.
We went there on the next day. It was a good day.
And we went over there and it was very hot. We had wine and we went fishing.

Speaker 1 But the one sentence that I love is like, he's at a party that he hates with like this woman he loves and the man she's fucking. And like the man goes off to get champagne.

Speaker 1 He's so angry with this guy going to get champagne. He's got to be this woman he can't have sex with.
And then the guy comes back and fine, we'll open the champagne.

Speaker 1 And then he goes, It was sensational champagne.

Speaker 1 And I folded that over. I was like, I don't know why that's not a good sentence on its own.
But within the book, what about a reboot of that story

Speaker 1 movie? But then he just gets into pegging.

Speaker 1 That would be... He just gets pegged.
That'd be great. That'd be sick.
I don't understand how they can turn it into a movie. Nothing would happen.

Speaker 1 It would just be a man fishing and watching a bullfight and looking at a lady's movie. Yeah, if you knew his dick didn't work,

Speaker 1 it'd be gripping. You'd be like, fuck.
Yeah. It'd be great if you had to change the title so that everyone, just like you call the movie the man whose dick didn't work.

Speaker 1 What I didn't know, I didn't know was his dick. When I read it in high school, I just imagined he had, you know, like when Michael Jackson had like his nose redone? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I thought he just had like a cloth. Was it like a cloth over it? Like it was missing or was it just not functional? I don't know.
I don't think it ever really describes it. I imagine it was missing.

Speaker 1 I thought he didn't have a dick. I think he's.
They don't go into detail, but he doesn't have to die. They don't go into detail, but there were scars.

Speaker 1 I think he lays down with a lady at one point. There's a prostitute who tries to get him to employ her, and he goes,

Speaker 1 I won't be able to partake of that. She goes, You are sick? And he goes, Yes.
She goes, I'm sick too. He's like, she had gonorrhea and he missed out due to his broken penis.

Speaker 1 It's a great, I didn't think I'd enjoy the broken penis book. Damn, it's great.
I loved it. Now the technology exists.
You can get that pump in your ball. Yeah.
Just push, push, push, push.

Speaker 1 There was an episode of pizza, yeah. Where you have to activate.
I think the trans pizza

Speaker 1 choose. Yeah.
That would be so nice to get to choose when you had an erection. I think it's just, I don't know, maybe it's just underneath your sack.

Speaker 1 I think it might be underneath the sack. But

Speaker 1 He's a little squeezy. Building it into the sack would be sick.

Speaker 1 You could just literally pump your sack. Yeah.
But yeah, pretty sick. Pump up penis would be nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm chased right now for the time being. I'm chased for five days.

Speaker 1 No food, no sick.

Speaker 1 No coming. Yeah, no coming.
Well, no food.

Speaker 1 Let's take this come talk into the Patreon. True.
Let's, yeah, we're at an hour already. Yeah, let's see.
I guess let's. If you want to hear about some cum talk, yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Patreon. Yeah, I have some good topics, actually.
All right, nice. See you there.