Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)

The Wild Wild Wes. Hey, how are you? Whoa.
Yes. What a great start.
We are here. Wow, you guys missed an incredible joke.
Wow. We're here live with the Ari Shafir.
Thanks, guys. He's got a new special out on Netflix called America's Sweetheart.
Yeah, that's where I am. I like that.
I don't know how you've tricked everybody into thinking you're some nice fucking guy. I hate it.
Everybody's always around me. They're like, Ari's great.
He's so nice. He helps other cons.
I know he's a fucking devil. Only when the cameras are on, I'll give a dollar to an open mic-er.
You're a sack of shit. And then I'll take it back and close the doors.
Well, yeah. That's exciting stuff, dude.
Thanks. Congratulations on the special.
That's awesome. Thanks.
I'm digging the vibes in here today. Me too, dude.
Very NPR-esque. I think so, too.
Oh, yeah. Wow.
Very low, very... You think we're going NPR right now? I think we're going a little quiet.
I like that, yeah. I don't mind it.
How about this? How about... Hey, say welcome, Ari.
Hey, welcome, Ari Shafir. Thanks, Shane.
Thanks, Matt. It's been a pleasure.
I've been listening to you guys for a long time. I got to check out your special last night and wow, what a special treat that was.
Thank you. That's an honor.
When you interviewed Charlie Rose, that was one of the greatest interviews I've ever seen. It's very transgressive.
It was transgressive. Wait, what's that word? Don't worry about it.
A man's aggressive. Trans.
Oh, right, right, right. Transgressive.
Yeah. That'd be a sick name for like a roller derby player, like a giant lady.
Uh-huh. Her name's Transgressive.
Transgressive. It's an enforcer.
Yeah, an enforcer. Yeah.
Yeah. You used to watch roller derby on TV? Yeah, I used to think it was going to be so cool.
Yeah, I didn't know what to like think about it. On paper, I thought, I was like, this is going to be incredible.
Honestly, kind of like slam ball. Yeah.
On the trampolines. That was pretty great.
I thought it was going to be so cool. Yeah, I didn't know what to think about it.
On paper, I was like, this is going to be incredible. Honestly, kind of like slam ball.
Yeah. On the trampolines.
Slam ball was pretty great. I thought it was going to be incredible.
They would take a fucking XFL, trash, roller derby, trash. Well, roller derby to me, it was like, in my head for some reason, I was like, oh yeah, girls in the rollerblades, short shorts.
And I was like, these girls are pretty strong. They're going to scissor.
I thought I was going to get way more into it sexually and i was like this is oh you went into it sexually i went into it strictly for the game you went for the love of the game sounds like a cool sport it sounded to me like a sexual thing when i was younger i was like oh yeah roller derby time and i'm like man these are some giant ladies so yeah they are one chick and they just launch her yeah that's You're like, the fuck? Why did you launch me? Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, I guess the point guard girls were kind of.
They're all kind of, yeah. They're either giant butch lesbians or giant straight sluts.
Yeah, true. You know? Yeah, what's the.
Yeah. It was like.
Like pinup girls, they wear like. You know what I mean? They have like throwback tattoos from like the 40s or 50s.
They were like um what's that word i'm looking for uh what's it betty rockabilly is that it no burlesque i'm thinking of burlesque dancers yeah it's very much burlesque dancers wrestling each other yeah burlesque dance have you ever felt you ever gotten into that i've had to do stand-up shows at some of those and again something i thought i'd be into the exactly you see the dancing you know it's the same as stand-up fucking the low level ones they're like please come free drinks yeah yeah burlesque is pretty i like yeah the same way i'm like oh yeah it's gonna be awesome and you're like this is this sucks i don't even want to see these girls do this and you're like take it all off like we don't take it all off we take some off yeah it's like librarians it is librarians like showing their fucking underwear and you're like just put your fucking clothes back on and go back to the library i don't want to some respect you don't have to do this why are you doing this does dewey decimal not pay well yeah we're anti burlesque here i don't like that at all no stand strongly against burlesque we're against that what else is going on it is it is tight for guys some guys do get dragged into the burlesque world by their girlfriend they have to sit there and be like those all very powerful performances from all yes you guys i like the one dressed as a devil that was pretty cool yeah they shake their tits with tassels on them in front of other weirdo like five weirdos in a room long haired skinny boyfriends just sitting there they always have those scarves that don't actually warm them it's just loose feathers this thing's flying right now this podcast is flying I can feel it we're gonna catch something we were doing NPR vibes. Dude, just turn up the dial if you want to jam.
Oh, I can think of it. Hold on, man.
Let's talk Hell Let Loose. The newest hit video game in my mind.
Hell yeah. Hell Let Loose.
I've been playing as the Nazis. Of course you are.
You were like, you need a cheat code. No, you don't get to pick.
I won't be regular. Show me the cheat code.
You don't get to pick which team they put you on.

But when I do get the Nazis, a part of me goes, yes.

I love it.

Shane's like, I'll work the chambers.

No.

I'll just work.

I'll Sims it.

True.

Do they have the chambers in the game?

No.

It's realistic, bro.

They didn't exist.

It's a realistic game.

What are you laughing about?

It's a realistic game. Too you laughing about it's a realistic game too realistic it's so fucking funny it's so funny when you talk to like old europeans about it and they're like like we're talking about the slovaks like they took it too and like a lot of different people took it hard and they're like the gypsies too and everyone's like yeah but they deserve it even the jews like no wait who in your family died in the Holocaust? None of them that I knew.
Oh, okay. Well, yeah, obviously.
All my dad's greater family, none of his direct. Damn, just like cousins and stuff.
Like 35 of them gone. Your grandpa? He survived, grandma, grandpa, dad, all sisters, and then one of the grandma's brothers.
Surviving the Holocaust must have been crazy. It's kind of sus, dude.
You think it's sus? What the fuck? Interesting. To survive? What did you do with that? I mean, that's a really evil thing to say.
It's funny talking to literally a genuine talking to like literally a genuine Holocaust survivor. You survive kind of sus.
And they're like, what? What is that? I was just saying. It's kind of weird.
Sus? How'd you get out of that? Well, I regret that joke. I regret that one already.
It's a funny joke. Just the word sus in Holocaust Survivors is so funny.

You just went through, like, bore witness to the most horrific condition.

Your, like, shitty fucking grandson's like, that's actually kind of sus.

Yeah, dude.

Were you fucking gay?

Is that how you did it?

My brother's kid started saying sus.

He's, like, eight.

And my brother was like, he's so creative.

And I'm like, that's, like, a like a term he goes oh fuck yeah it's like the fortnight dance a lot of little kids all night yeah the fortnight dance rules they really do do those things like you go somewhere those kids just busting out the whole time yeah it's kind of actually upsetting that like all kids now talk exactly the same fortnight talk it's a motherfucking bull yeah there is no local dialect anymore yeah philly's hold on strong that's about it philly's got it they're losing it you don't have it you don't have it man has it man only i get mad i'm like a latino yeah i get mad it comes out my passion comes out matty mcardo yeah he gets fired dude I'm pretty I'm pretty passionate right now

I'm still off the porn

I've been off the porn

since January 6th

why did you find the best one

no I just

I said I'm

this year I'm like

I'm gonna try to go back off

and I

I went off for a long time

and then I went back on being

cause I went back and forth

I'm like

I'm not gonna quit something

if there's no real reason to quit it

then I went back off

and I was like

I

I finally had sex last night

and I was like

I shouldn't say finally

but I had sex

I had sex

I had sex last night and i was like i shouldn't say finally but i had sex i had sex i was growing my beard in protest yeah i told brittany i was like i'm not shaving unless you look skinny you've been on a hunger strike i've been working out thank you for noticing i've hit yeah i've hit like i think one eighth of my goal weight 178 i'm trying to get to thank you for noticing that's my goal weight 178 yeah really I told you. About fucking 100 pounds off.
I'm trying to get to. Thank you for noticing that.
That's my goal weight. 178? Yeah.
Really? I'll tell you. About fucking 100 pounds off.
I'm going to get down, I promise. You'll get to 100 pounds off soon.
Yeah, when I'm dead. Wait, what do you use? Imagination? For what? To ejaculate.
I tried to- Wait, were you just watching porn for the cinematography? No, no, no, no. I was obviously masturbating to it.
I mean, I have watched once, like a couple times. When I was younger, I would just kind of like throw it up.
Just like watch to see what I wanted to come back to when I came home. Yeah.
I was pretty deep into it. But the research.
What are you fucking laughing at? You've been there. You do it now.
I still do it. It's an actual problem.
But I just kind of was related. You actually look like Ankh.
I am Ankh. I'm Ankh now.
You've become Ankh. It's fine.
I like it. I kind of was really actually look like onk i am monk you have become onk it's fine i like it i kind of love it i do too you look cute wow what a great wife effect it's a white wife you do it it is the white wife effect holy shit dude you are dressed like a fucking old white man i am wearing a 9-11 shirt please show the people wow that is fullyounces, light jeans, in a 9-11.
Bro. That's not even an eagle.
What is that? It is an eagle. That ain't an eagle.
That's a crow. It's a crow.
Damn, bro. You're onked out.
What a crow. He's dressed like a substitute bus driver.
You don't even have an ass anymore. You got a flat white ass.
I didn't lose my ass. How'd you lose your ass? That's actually a soft spot.
All right, please don't talk about the ass I lost. You lose your ass in reparations? In solidarity with my mom.
Yo, you lost your ass for real? What happened? I don't know. It used to be three.
It used to be three. It used to be three.
It used to be three. It used to be a pancake butt.
I donated it there. You get the fucking white flapjacks.
You know how you like foot train like young Chinese girls? You think the black dudes get butt trained? They bind Nate's ass. Are you wearing Spanx? How is it like that? I just lost it.
This is what we needed. The podcast needed a victim.
We have no topics. You're taking someone to attack.
Oh, my God. You look good.
Thank you. Thank you.
You do look good. I actually genuinely think you look great.
The sweatshirt city. Since I've been back, you've been much more reserved and quiet.
It's not good. Did you get molested? What happened? You weren't here to protect them, Shane.
I know. I think you left them all.
The Kiltoni crew molested my sweet boys. I've been running a train on guard dogs.

Don't say that.

Don't say that.

Don't say that.

Go to Fab Creed Ops.

You've been having – I had very low confidence when I moved down here.

Is it confidence?

I don't think it's confidence.

Sean said it.

Sean said low confidence, Nate.

No confidence.

Oh, no conflict, Nate.

Yeah, I think it's flipping. That's the problem.
I'm going from non-conflict to like, I think I'm turning nasty and I'm trying to. You're getting nasty? I'm trying to keep it in though.
I'm trying not to be nasty, Nate. I'm trying to.
But you don't want to be no conflict. I don't want to be no conflict either, but I was happier as no conflict.
But people. No, I want you you guys i want them to have conflict yeah because i

last time i saw each of you you were what's the word bitches screaming screaming bitches that's when no conflict nate started right there oh guard dog called him no conflict nate because they were you guys need ops and the kill tony crew is perfect for you guys to battle You guys need to battle with them

You're 10

You're 10 And the Kill Tony crew is perfect for you guys to battle. You guys need to battle with them.

I'm Zandini.

You're Zandini?

That's not bad.

We're going to switch.

So why did you get dragged into conflict?

Who wanted more conflict in your life?

God Dog wanted conflict.

Nate said, I don't want any conflict.

But he's Zandini.

He's Zandini now.

Wait, so why does he get a cool no-conflict name

and he hit you with a negative one? He's the writer. He's the name guy.
I like Nasty Nate, though. I'll be Nasty Nate.
Yeah, you need to be nasty. I like you nasty.
Yeah, it's not going to be good enough. They'd have never known you angry.
That's what I'm saying. I've always been pretty chill.
Shane's seen it, but it was years ago. I've got it.
I know, but I've still, no, it comes out. It was funny watching Guard Dog.
Punched a special needs guy at an open mic. He wasn't special needs.
Oh, yeah. He was after you punched him.
I did. I did punch him.
He asked for it, but he probably was bipolar, though. But that doesn't count.
I think you can punch a bipolar. You can't punch a bisexual.
You can punch a bipolar. I think he was actually a bisexual bipolar.
Oh, damn. That actually might be true.
I can't remember. That's unipolar.
Yeah. That's unipolar.
Yeah, it comes back. I think it's a double negative.
Damn, he was bisexual, bipolar? He was definitely bipolar. He was possibly bisexual.
What? He got in the kissing distance. I was going to say, I think that might have been a lover's quarrel.
The first

thing he did was blow a kiss at me.

That is what started the conflict.

I was walking into, it was like

an open mic at the time that we were going to, and I was

walking past, and

I just tried to set it up.

We were clearly having

tension, but I was trying to not worry about

that. I walked past, said what's up,

and he went, and then you know. I didn't sock him right then.
Time had passed. I went outside to smoke, and he was trying to fight me, but like in an alleyway.
He was like, let's go to an alleyway, wait for the mic. And I was like, you're a psycho.
I know you're going to try to stab me back there. He's going to try to suck you.
He's going to try to suck you. I just came back to the mic zen.
Yeah. That's what you need, though.
That's the best way to do open mics With open conflict with somebody else in the room So then you go on stage and do stand up Which is so embarrassing to do While fighting In the open mic in general In the worst room we're like We're all failing here and it's like you suck

you're next

and you suck

I'm not going to laugh at your jokes

I'm going to whisper to somebody next to me

this guy fucking sucks

you had to pretend to listen until you get on

the best was going to those mics

that everyone just was done pretending

no one listened

like the raven towards the end

it was just a bar

people were standing and talking at a bar. And then at one at a time, someone would go up while no one listened to them.
Let me ruin the vibe while you guys were talking. No one listened.
Dude, when I... The Raven, when I started comedy, was run by H.
Foley and Chris Cotton, R.I.P. And if you like even even whispered you'd have one of them

like

shut the fuck up

they ran it

they were so drunk

they would get hammered

the whole

it was so good though

it was just tiny

black box of a room

and it could fit

like maybe 40 people

it was so fun

Raven Lounge

yeah but it was like

it would have been

2008

2009

if you did healing

usually on a Thursday

you would go to Raven

it was so fucking fun

Thank you. Raven Lounge, yeah, but it was like.
It would have been 2008, 2009. If you did healing him, usually on a Thursday, you would go to Raven.
Jump over there afterwards.

Yeah, maybe I've done it then.

It was so fucking fun.

How big was H Foley, though?

He was like G Foley.

He wasn't as big.

He wasn't as big.

No, he was still.

He was still lowercase H.

Still a young tadpole.

H not Foley.

He was a big dog, but he was not nearly.

Chris Cotton was a big dog, too. Cotton was a big dog.
That was a lot of big dog energy big dog too Cotton was a big dog that was a lot of big dog energy it was crazy Kevin Ryan did a good job surrounding himself with big dogs true Kevin Ryan really is like that 6 chick who's hanging around with 4's it's crazy he's fat as fuck dude he's fat as fuck and he's like nah I'm so thin I'm like bro the whole time he's just talking to age fully about being fat it's so fucking funny i never even thought about it yeah his guys was totally affected it's a great move dude it's so good shame so i had the wear in the pool house now i'm fucked just a unit out there i told you about the guy when i worked for an electrician we were like we all would go to a bar afterwards it's where he paid everybody and he did all his like hirings there and this one guy came in he's fat as fuck my boss was also pretty portly as well and he looked at the dude the guy starts handing him his resume he goes no no no you're hired and the guy's like are you serious? he's like yeah I need someone here fatter than me fuck you thank you I'll take it don't like it but'll take it. It's the funniest hiring I've ever seen.

Fatter than me. This episode is brought to you by Max.
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Oh, man. But back to the pornography and you.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I wanted to say that the law here does help with that, obviously. Yeah.
Because you don't. I mean, if you sink so low as to go to X videos.
It's so embarrassing. You're going on.
Which sites are still available in Texas? You're disgusting. Yeah, you got to go through like the ninth grade.
Where did I used it, Jack? I know. There's a lot more hidden camera videos on those.
There's a lot of stuff. I'm like, whoa.
I saw one that was just, it said, how old is she? What? Yeah. That was the title? That was the title.
I wasn't even searching anything. That was just on the main.
Yeah, they throw you crazy shit. That was a curveball, and I was like, what a...
How old is she? Well, you should have investigated. I should find out.
Yeah, I'd be like... It's the producers going like, we don't know.
We'd love to find out. There's only one way to find out.
That didn't feel like 16 on my jerk. Yeah, that's...
But that law that they passed, it is helpful. I think it's good, yeah.
It makes perfect sense. When they went to pass the law...
You protested? Because any other time, you'd be like, yeah, go ahead, get rid of it. Until you're horny.
Yeah. Then when you're horny, you go, what the fuck have they done? That's what I'm saying.
What have they taken from me and again i haven't you know i haven't been tested now and like alone in a hotel room that's the ultimate that's like i mean in my house easy i mean you know obviously it takes some effort but easy enough but like dude yeah yeah that shit's impossible but now that i'm off of though when you're when you're married though it's like if you have porn you like a little trench where like, if you're fighting, you can be like and just go beat off and then keep the fight going. But if you're charged up, it's your trench.
You can just be like, you go back to the Fox. I don't need you.
Yep. I don't need it.
Fuck you. Blah, blah, blah.
Yep. Dude.
I was on a, it was basically a 10 day. Yeah.
It was like a 10 day hold in. and I day hold in and I was like it was like a mild beef regular stuff and I wanted to be mad so badly and she just touched me last night and I was diamond hard and we had to settle the beef immediately and I was like yep porn is definitely not good so I've doubled down on porn I'm off porn now are you using your imagination? If I sing so low as to hurt myself in masturbation, yes.
But yeah, no, I try not to masturbate at all. I mean, I'm not going to be a psycho about it.
If I really can't sleep, I'll just do it. It's not like a shame thing, but it definitely is a relationship enhancer.
Yeah. Almost too much.
I was telling Spud today, I was like i was telling him like i had this like almost like mystical experience having sex after like no porn for weeks holding it in i'm having i'm like it almost got i got so carried away i almost ordered up the third i was on the verge of sending of just cp in last night what is that what is cp cream pie creating another kid i have two kids. Last night was so charged.
I was like, fuck it, dude. I don't care.
Child form. I was like, this could be anything at this point.
A lot of slang. You were considering a pie.
And I know, now it's been so long, she's ovulating. If she's putting paws on me, I'm like, okay, you're ovulating.
Wow. And the pie was in the window sill and you were going.
I was about to. I announced the pie.
You said I'm going to pie. I was like, I'm about to pie.
I'm about to pie. What the fuck are you doing? I was like, my bad.
I thought we were on the same wavelength here. I for real had like it was, I mean, it's embarrassing to talk about.
I had like a genuinely. You needed to say it.
pretty profound experience. You needed me there to pull your hips.

I needed you there to pull me out.

I was so resolute.

I was like, no fucking way.

And last night, all I did was go off the porn for two weeks.

I was like, it has to be done.

I was like, what the fuck?

What are you doing?

I was like, oh, sorry about that.

It must be done.

Bye.

So I got a little too horny off the porn. It swear it's been validated 3.14 it was time 273 17 repeating it was fucking time bro it was pi squared but yeah that was making it was actually it was just like a cool realization like yeah you see what porn does in a relationship and you're like it is not good and you're gonna remember this when you're back on i hope i mean look i don't get that's the thing i don't beat myself up dude if i fucking fall if i fall i'm trying to arrive well i'm trying to take the shame component out because the nofap thing was crazy i'm like dude it's crazy to be like i'm just never going to come ever again but then you know to be like yeah just fucking jerk off to porn i'm like it's equally as weird because it's just not good for you you just see fake ladies and come all the time it's not good for you so you shouldn't be seeing wild ladies yeah this isn't even like a normal yeah exactly i'm saying so you know i you know, I'm not coming from like a moral like you're wrong if you do that.

I'm all about optimization.

Like what's optimal?

Last time I tried it, it was a month.

It was in Edinburgh.

It started in Ireland.

And it was one night some old skank was like, I was like, nah.

But then I was like, shut up.

Because like three days later, I'm like, I'm not beating off.

No porn or nothing.

And then like two weeks later, I was like, just open to meeting people.

Yeah. And he was like, want to hang out? I was like, just open to meeting people.
Yeah.

And he was like, want to hang out?

I was like, yes, I do.

Let's hang out.

I'd like to.

I'd love to talk to you.

Let's go out.

Yeah.

So Ari, you've got the new special coming out.

You were just in the blockbuster Nosferatu.

What else?

What's next?

Nosferatu sucked.

You were Nosferatu?

Yeah.

He was Nosferatu.

I was Nosferatu.

Yeah.

Yeah. What's next for our interview? Nosferatu.
All You were Nosferatu? Yeah, he was Nosferatu. I was Nosferatu, yeah.
What's next for our show? Nosferatu. All right, wait.
I thought the movie was about Africa when I heard the title of it. It's a fair guess.
Yeah, I thought it was like, oh, cool. I thought it was some like Lion King.
I swear to God, I'm not being silly. I thought it was a Lion King spinoff.
I was like, see what Nosferatu is. I thought it was like Mufasa's granddad.
You would have been shocked. It was a lot about gay fucking.
Yeah, I'd be like what the hell? It was gay sexism? It was a lot about gay. Innuendo gay fucking.
Oh, dang. I was excited to see that.
Remember that Salt Lake City documentary about that guy who stole that kid and fucked her and then the parents were like, hey, where's our kid? And then he fucked the mom. You know what I mean.
Yeah. And then later the dad was like, he brought me in the car.
The dad jacked him off, too. You told me about that.
He fucked the whole family. He fucked the entire family.
Guy ruled. and then later the dad was like he brought me in the car and I don't want to jack him off you told me about that where they just like fucks the whole he fucked the whole family the entire family guy ruled and then kidnapped the daughter or something who's was that the same one where he was like I'm an alien yeah I think put her in the back of an rv with like a walkie-talkie it was like this is from outer space you have to have sex that is utah is a good place to run that you can trick the yeah they, yeah.
But that's what Nosferatu is, pretty much. He's fucking everybody.
What? Making them all jealous of each other. So a horny fucking vampire? Yeah, and everywhere else was horny, and then it was all about, like, love triangle.
Here's a question. If you were a vampire, immortal, unless, obviously, somebody put a stake through your heart, would you have gay sex after, like, 700 years? Yeah, that's like prison.
Right? You're like a lot. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not like prison because in prison you only have the option of gay sex. Yeah, but you've, you know.
You justified that quick, bro. It's prison.
It's prison rules. Those are prison rules.
Yeah, you're in a prison of. Of eternity.
I think you get bored and you're like, none of this matters. There's no God.
I'm not going to heaven. True.
That part's out. Yeah, but also you're a vampire.
a vampire you're very gay yeah that's the other thing too you gotta dress the head

you have to at least be bi as a vampire

it's kind of weird for a vampire to be like

nah dude I'm totally fucking straight

dude no names in the national title

I can't wait to see what they do

just get a buzz at the tailgate

from people's fucking necks

yeah I wonder about that

if you were like that old

because if Nosferatu was really just

Thank you. just get a buzz at the tailgate from people's fucking necks yeah I wonder about that if you were like that old because if Nosferatu was really just fucking sticking it to the whole village I wonder what you would do you'd give it up yeah true and then if you were like a villager you'd be like I want to fuck Nosferatu how come we just get rid of Nosferatu that would be what if you were what if you were immortal and you're like I just want to bad.
And then eventually you bottom out and you're like, you stick around for like 2,000 more years. Just get fucked in the butt.
Just get like a job. That'd be pretty tight.
Yeah. Does he, he just appears in people's rooms at night or something? No, they have to go find him.
They find him and he fucks him? He appeared in this one chick, spoiler alert, he cheered at this one chick's dreams and like fucked everyone she probably was like 11 or something but like adult back then romania adult probably 13 and then in the movie in the yeah and then like disappeared but pretty much just subtext going wait for me i'll test you she goes i will and then 30 years he's gone she's like well i found another guy and he was like no that's not cool and then calls for. And fucks the guy.
Fucks him, bleeds him. Oh, sick.
Yeah. Well, a little fucky sucky.
A little fucking suck. And then just so he can tell the lady, he's like, oh, your husband, he's not.
That would turn a chick on, though, if you're like, yeah, I fucked that guy. I fucked your husband and killed him.
I fucked your husband. Didn't kill him.
Sent him back as like a bitch. As like a punk.
Right, Nate? Did you see Nosferatu? Is that the term? Punk? Yeah, it's a punk. Punk.
I ain't no punk. You a new fool.
Get a punk in jail. I watched a documentary about it was like basically prison sex and they were saying how that's like a big status in jail.
Yeah. Who are you watching? My brother said it to me.
It was the funny. It was all about getting boys.
If you're in jail, if you had like five boys, it was like a sign of status. You just get like punks basically underneath you.
You could like loan them out for money. Or like a lot of these dudes would fall in love with like their top punk.
Wow. Jesus Christ.
It was fucked, dude. It was there was one part.
I don't want to ruin the vibe. there was one part i don't want to ruin the vibe you love it i don't want to ruin the vibe but like you're watching this guy and he's just like yeah man this is why i came here and i just i'm just this guy's bitch and like we fell in love and they had this whole then you find out it is they go interview his father of the kid who's a punk in jail and they're like telling the dad what's going on he's like yeah yeah i just man i really just hope he gets out of there straightens out his life and then apparently what happened was the guy was on drugs and just like ran a kid over so he's just like yeah i'm just gonna stay high and stay in jail forever and just be a punk it's like damn that's felt bad about it like the machinist the what he felt bad he was like i'd rather be in he's like as soon as i get sober i like just think about my life and it's it's literally that unbearable and i but it's fucked up.
They went to his dad and like, yo, your son's like, you know, your He was like, I'd rather be in there. He's like, as soon as I get sober, I just think about my life, and it's literally that unbearable,

and I just have to be high.

But it's fucked up.

They went to his dad, and they're like, yo, your son's like someone's boyfriend in fucking jail.

And he's like, fuck.

God, man, I just want him to straighten his life out.

That's so sad.

That's so sad.

He has a cheap status, sir.

It's true.

He's doing well.

He was kind of a top boy.

He was a top boy, though.

He was like procuring other boys and shit. Oh, he was Gisane yeah yeah he was he was he was just laying that's what they call his butt the jizz lane nice you know spr.org no it's a it's supposed to be for like understanding and stuff but it's spr i stopped prison rape.org what and it was just like survivor's tales and stuff you're not supposed to laugh for months at a time at it but yeah it's like poems and stuff what there's a poem about the number seven the seventh guy to gang rape him and he goes that's when i fell in love because he was nice oh my god he whispered he whispered this will be over soon and he goes oh this guy cares holy shit yeah it's really crazy man they get in there and they go full like girlfriend mode and it's like and dudes are just like kind this guy cares.
Holy shit. Yeah, it's really crazy, man.
They get in there and they go full girlfriend mode

and it's like,

and dudes are just kind of pumped to be a girlfriend.

Which,

it sucks that that's what it is

and it's not Shot Caller.

You know what I mean?

The movie Shot Caller,

the guy gets a DUI and becomes the head of the Nazis.

That's everybody's dream.

Every white man's dream is one day I'll get a DUI

and become the head Nazi in a prison.

Yeah, because you have to. But in reality, you're going to get a DUI and just be a punk.
You don't have to be a punk. That's the thing.
You don't have to? No, you don't have to be a punk. What if you're good looking like me? If you're looking good.
What if you're a dreamboat? Yeah, if you're looking good, you better be able to fight. I'd be punked.
No way. You think you...
What's the nod? You? No, just definitely not you. Oh.
You think guys would fuck you?

I hope not.

I hope not, Shane.

I'm not looking for it.

But you said you'd be punked.

You'd be a punk. I feel like I would.

Of the three of us?

No, you first.

You're the cutest.

I would be punked.

You're the most handsome.

How would you avoid it?

I would just go mad.

I would go white boy crazy.

Yeah, I would just go absolutely white boy crazy.

Oh, you'd be fucked in there.

Like Clinger from MASH?

You'd get fucked in there now.

I'm like, I'm bald. You guys don't want this.
You get a special diet want this. That's like a special diet you can get in jail.
It's highly coveted. What? The Jewish meal plan.
Oh, the kosher. Yeah, you can do the kosher.
You can do the Muslim. So you actually get a pretty coveted meal plan.
So you might be able to... Trade that? Yeah.
Who wants gefilte fish for protection? Yeah, what does happen to the Jews in there?

Do they have to join the Aryan Brotherhood?

No, they don't want them, and the blacks don't want them.

You're technically others, but I think

a lot of Jews probably join up with white people,

and they just have to kind of keep it like...

I had a... Remember those Amazing Races videos?

A white power website

found it, the whiterevolution.com,

and so they loved it, but

also, they didn't love this. So, so the headline was jew boys got the right idea yeah that's funny yeah that's a nice yeah it's a nice title yeah oh jew man would have been nice but yeah come on some respect didn't have to diminish you put some respect on her name yeah that's that's a cool that's funny to like wake up in the mornings read like the white revolution oh nice some publicity yeah oh all right it's from hail storm what's the storm front storm front what's storm front isn't that the that's the white nationalist is it really yeah that's that are like publication think so this is what else we got going on nothing much i did i was just in fucking rapture last night it was kind of nice sexual rapture yeah i dude i haven't felt like that man that was crazy to have like a genuinely like i've never had a powerful like spiritually powerful yeah dude yeah and then the pie almost almost pie near pie did you leave put the last part in just for like a little you know a little like leftover touch no no no you're talking about like and then it's kind of going back in yeah no i would have i was i was a rabid dog i had full i had full like iguana eyes just like ew man i dude i i didn't realize i didn't know what I was setting myself up into, man.
You don't know really who you are until you've held it in like that. Then all of a sudden, it was crazy.
You know how conflicted I was? How long did you hold it in? Really only like 10 days. That's a reasonable amount of time.
That's what I'm saying. It was reasonable and it was, yeah.
I was just taking some maca so I've been waking up. Oh, yeah.
You've been getting. Yeah, maca root, dude.
If you take maca root. You've been performing enhancing.
The what? You've been performance enhancing. Yeah, a little bit.
A little bit. If you take maca root, dude, it's crazy.
You wake up just like steel beam. What? Give me something right now.
We can go get it. I'll get it hard now.
The grocery store. I'll get it hard right now.
Let's get it hard, Ari. Let's change the arc of this podcast.
Yeah. That'd be pretty tight.
I don't know. Yeah.
I just. These guys are battling.
You've got boners. You've got a special.
I'm playing hell that loose. They got a new hat.
That's it. That's the bottom.
Pretty much. But don't you think they should have ops? These guys? Yeah.

I think there should be some conflict.

What's ops?

What's ops?

Opposition.

Yeah, opposition.

They should be battling the other, their contemporaries.

Yeah, why don't you guys race the two push-ups? It's going to get rough out here if we do that.

It'll be a bloodbath.

There'll be no peace in the streets.

We can't have that.

What would you battle about?

That's the Gardini guarantee.

That's my other new thing.

The Gardini guarantee?

Dealing out Gardini guarantees.

Like, what have you applied that to? Like, if we get ops, we're going to have to kill them all. That's a Gardini guarantee.
That's a Gardini guarantee. Even though I'm Zendini, I will resort to violence.
If they're trying to take me off the righteous path, I will have to resort to violence. But otherwise, I am Zendini.
And that's the Gardini guarantee. Yeah.
Who do you think you match up with in the squad, the Kill Tony squad versus you guys? Maybe like Aaron Belial. It's got to be Aaron Belial.
You versus Belial. Belial's the man, dude.
He might fuck you up. I know, he's cool.
He ain't got to do shit to you. I think I could take him.
Ari Matty versus James McCann. We got to battle our foreigners.
Yeah, the foreigners. Nate versus Hans Kim.
What does Cam Patter's Cam Patterson got? Cam. I mean.
I guess LaMere. Yeah.
Oh, LaMere. LaMere's going to have to take a couple because we're outnumbered.
Yeah. Well, finish off Bilal fast.
Yeah. And then go help somebody else.
And the four other ones, too. I mean, LaMere's getting winded fast.
No, he's the juggernaut. He could take out like four of them.
Just run at them with his hands out? Yeah. That's the Gardini guarantee.
It's a good guarantee. That's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about. What the hell? I had a subject to talk about.
I was hoping you had a subject. I kind of had a subject to talk about.
All I got is hell let loose. You're a subject master.
Yeah. Well, I did want to talk to you about the Penn State coach.
What the hell? What was that about? I don't know. Did he say something about the guy's hairline or something? Yeah.
He was hitting him with like. You're not in a conference.
You're a young guy. He's like, I'm an old guy.
I've been around. What you've done is pretty impressive so far.
Good job, son. He just beat him.
Fuck off. And then he beat him.
Was he negative though? What was he saying about the coach? The coach has a straight. He was he was just saying oh i wish i had hair like that he's like how old are you man god damn so nice you're so young that's pretty funny just kind of like kind of a nice psych out i think he might have been trying to get in his head that's a nice psych out yeah it's kind of you know he feels that i don't belong i don't belong i lost to northern illinois university matt have we discussed that clip what you called it what when notre d lost to Northern Illinois.
Yeah, they're going to fucking come back together. I was sitting there going, fucking shit's over.
Yeah, you called me a girl. Got to burn it down.
I said, this is a girlfriend opinion. But I also did say, I agree with it.
Yeah, true, true. I was like, right now you're giving me a girlfriend? Because after the loss, I was like, this is like a season.
This is like a five-year loss. This is going to cost us.
It's not just you lost to Clemson. Yeah.
I thought it was like programs fucked for five years. If not for the 12th team playoff.
And then Matt was like. It's a galvanizing moment.
Matt was like, or they could come together in unity with this shared depression and rise out of it and go undefeated. That's what he said.
I was like, Matt, I love you, but that's a girlfriend opinion. And then I said, also, deep down inside, yes, I 100% believe that that is what is going to happen.
You see him at the press conference after Penn State. He was saying that about.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, whatever.
And he was literally exactly what Matt said. They came together.
And then he panned over to them, to like the stars. And he goes, I'll take an answer to this one.
And it's just two children oh yeah yeah we did our best yeah yeah that's right that's the quarterback he's a good christian boy really a young boy just having fun for the lord that's awesome that's why they're winning obviously they're not masturbating they're not watching porn they're not having sex i don't think they're i don't want to comment on the boys. Starts right now.
Matt hit him with this. Prize picks is the best place to get real money sports action with over 10 million members and billions of dollars in awarded winnings.
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1,000, dude. This is crazy.
Yeah, 1,000, what's 1,000 millions? How much is that? That's a billion, bro. That's all you need to get the bill.
1,000 millions. Think about that.
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Oh, yeah.

Plug a show.

Hurry up. And don't be weird and bashful.

Talk like a man. Get in front of the fucking camera and talk yeah get up there hello everybody I'll be in I'll be in St.
Petersburg Florida on February 13th and 14th at Coastal Creative in Las Vegas at Wise Guys Comedy Club at February 28th and March 1st.

Please come to that if you can.

SeanGardini.com.

It'll be a good show.

And that's the Gardini guarantee.

Sean, it's too long.

Yeah.

And Optimum Noctis,

first Tuesday of every month

at Creek in the Cave with me,

Nathan Marshall.

And LaMaley.

Guys, I'll be at the Funny Bone,

Liberty Township, Ohio,

January 24th, Dania Beach, Florida, February 6th, Columbus, Ohio, Royal Oaks, Michigan, Omaha, Nebraska.

Please just go to mattmccusker.com for tickets.

Thank you very much.

March 20th, I'll be in Manchester in the UK.

I was supposed to only do Dublin and London, but my greedy agents wanted me also to do another show. So I'm doing an arena in Manchester on a Thursday.
Please come. It's going to be awesome.
It is going to be fun. But no, I'm trying to think.
Matt, what's going on? Fired up. You got anything weird? What are you reading? I know you're reading something.
something right now i'm doing a lot of research right now what are you researching i've been reading a lot about i'm reading arguments for tradition i just stumbled upon this book it's called the sword of gnosis and they just like trad husband trad husband not trad husband i mean i'm sure they'd be down for trad husbands i'm just reading a academic book about like guys slamming vatican 2 and i think mel gibson Gibson was just fucking slamming Vatican II. Oh, really? Yeah, they were just talking about how it was such a gigantic mistake for the priest to face the congregation.
Renizzisi's mom and dad told me that. Because they had Vatican III, they were like, people were upset, and they're like, we remember our parents going, that's not Christianity! You don't face us, that's crazy! Was Vatican II in the 30s? Or when was that? I thought it was in like 50s or 60s 50s or 60s i thought oh okay yeah they just one day turn around everyone's like what the fuck yeah all right yeah and the priest went yeah he went i like you god i didn't know what was going on in here i know that was the big come up of vatican 2 was just turn around that was the big and lat it was lat was just turn around and it was Latin mass

changed from Latin to English

the idea was you were watching a guy

the altar was supposed to be God

so you were watching a guy commune with God

in real time in Latin

and they just like switched it

and made it person focused

where they're like bro you've lost the plot

should be about God

now you're just fucking giving some lukewarm fucking speech

to these dumb asses

you guys should be about god now you're just fucking giving some lukewarm fucking speech true these dumbasses pep talk once a week they do should be nice yeah oh i never thought of it that way when's the last time you heard the homily uh it's been a while they're not great like a year they're not great yeah i want to start ghostwriting i want to get a good homily it's a homily give me one i'm open for the homily is just when the priest reads something then he breaks it down yeah he reads the bible this is Basically the message for this week. It's a homily.
Give me one. I'm open for it.
The homily is just when the priest reads something and then he breaks it down. Yeah, he reads the Bible.
This is basically the message for this week. It's our Torah.
Yeah, he reads the good part of the Bible. And then he...
The important part of the Bible. And then he'll be like, you know...
The non-jibberish part. And this is what you should take from that.
Your part. We're talking about your part.
Oh, the non-jibberish part. The gibberish part.
Why am I the gibberish part? No, we like the new testament new testament's way more streamlined yeah streamlined yeah the old testament's crazy i like don't you have like six guys saying the same shit in different words no mark and tony and bobby and whatever don't fucking disrespect the boys i don't even know what the fucking torah what do you guys do what do we do i don't even know what you guys do pray and don't even know what you guys do Pray It's like Jewish Star Wars Just like them battles and fucking deserts and shit It's like the passage this week they were battling in the desert What can we learn from that? It's that hey if you have sand up your ass maybe you should also wipe or or whatever. Yeah, it is.
Whatever the message is.

It is kind of sick, though,

to be like,

this is just our story.

Meet every Sunday.

Remember we got in that big-ass fucking fight with the Egyptians?

That was so fucking sick.

Honestly, that's what me and my friends do.

Yeah, yeah.

Go to a bar once a week and go,

dude, senior year,

we could have beat Lancaster Catholic.

That battle with Lancaster Catholic.

Huh?

What else is going on?

That's pretty much all we did, too.

That was pretty much it.

I've been reading that.

I told you about my...

I don't like silly guys. Silly men.
Yeah. He is pretty silly, but I think it was needed.
He was like a British gentleman. Yeah, the time period was...
It was good to hit that man. Yeah, it called for some silly man.
You're a silly man. You need a good fop.
Yeah. Somebody with like tassels here, frills.
Just does stuff right. Yeah, I'm a silly man.
Dude, the half face shave, that was fucking silly as hell. That was silly, man.
I ruled. That was real.
You're a silly man. That was disorienting me.
I would see clips and I would get like, like what the fuck's going on?

It like did something to my brain.

It made no sense.

It just wasn't right socially. It was not right.

Pissed off a lot of people.

Angry people pissed off.

Nice people that made happy.

But it was tough to talk to you.

As long as I could talk sideways to you.

The best at the cellar,

we'd all be talking

and someone would be over there

and it'd be like five minutes of Matty Wiener. yeah and then you're like this what the fuck man what no i was just we're trying to have like a real conversation with you and i'm just got a half like yeah you're just being silly it was disorienting it was oh dude speaking of having cool people be happy and you know not cool people be mean i did the uh slutty garfield thing on patreon how did that go a lot of angry people got mad a lot of angry customers wait they didn't like slutty garfield on patreon some people didn't which made me laugh more honestly yeah i mean it's very funny so it was a it was a mystery a secret artist just like sent me this thing he's like i made it i don't know what to do with it just like and i was like dude please let me put please let me put this on my Patreon.
It's about Garfield. It's about Garfield becoming a streetwalking prostitute, streetwalking trans prostitute.
And then John's just trying to find him and save him or save Garfield from the underworld. Save her.
Miss Lasagna. What's Odie doing? His name was Garfield became Miss Lasagna.
Odie's a street dog. Miss Lasagna.
Miss Lasagna.

What is Odie doing?

Odie's a bit of, Odie's in the underworld.

Oh, really?

He's selling drugs or what?

I can't spoil.

I've seen a lot of the stories arc.

It's so funny.

It's just funny.

You can spoil it.

I can't spoil it, dude.

It's so funny to one day.

All I kept thinking about is a guy waking up and just being like, oh, sweet.

What the fuck? Garfield. Oh, new what the fuck guys trying to fuck it is funny john's got to find him in a room like taken when he finds his daughter yeah this is good stuff and just to have people be like yo for real dude this isn't it all right This is it, bro.
Fuck you. It's so fucking funny.

It keeps me...

I just got it. I talked to the dude who did it.
He's like, I'm going to fire up three more right away. Nice.
Nice. He should just keep making them the exact same story, just with different cartoon characters.
That'd be sweet. Heathcliff.
You got to go Heathcliff. Then they meet himcliff well it's actually really well done like it's

like it just looks like a professional you showed me the drawings they're very good it's unbelievable how like good it is and then it's just about carfield selling pussy selling pussy and john being like sexually bothered on the streets as he tries to get to find out what's happening it's so funny just people trying to force john to do gay stuff to find his to find his lost cat every time he brings it up people are like i fucked that bitch he sucked my dick down off colfax what mutant made this i can't reveal his identity oh he's got? Yeah, he's a secret artist. He might be.
I just, our paths just crossed. And he honestly, the dude makes me laugh.
So fucking I talk to him all the time. He's so funny.
Shout out the secret artist. This episode is brought to you by Call of Duty.
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So I'm sitting there, and all of a sudden, I'm like, she's like coughing. I don't feel well.
And I'm like, dude, I always tell her, you just need to drink some water, dude. Drink some water.
Drink some fucking water. Walk it off.
Dude, she hits me. I Uber or whatever door dashed a thermometer.
She's like 102. Wow.
It's like 106. Shit.
106 in Park. Yeah, yeah.
She's 102 in a black person that has a fever. I have a fever of 106 in Park.
106 in Park would be dangerous. That'd be so dangerous.
But dude, she had a fucking, she had the flu. Did she ever hit you back with, you need to drink water? Yes.
Yeah, I'm in that deadlock right now. Every day.
Have you drank enough water? All I do is drink water. Yeah.
I chug water. Don't talk to me about drinking water.
I'm more so pushing the water agenda, but she has hit me with it. Like, you haven't drank a lot of water.
Yes, I have. I'm a fucking water cooler in my office.
You don't know what the fuck I'm doing. What the fuck are you? You don't watch me all the time.
It is offensive when someone's like, do you drink any water? Yeah, of course I do. What do I smell? What the fuck are you saying? Yeah.
I know, Bob, I got to stop dogging on her on her water intake, but it's, dude, it's crazy.

Nah, get in there.

I was peeping, dude.

She had a fever, and I'm like, I gave her this big water bottle.

I came in the next day, and I was like, dude.

They don't drink water.

They're cats.

They're literally cats.

That was her fucking, that was like her hamster bottle.

I'm like peeping the level.

I'm like, dude, it went down that much.

Yeah, you had a sip of water.

I'm like, drink some fucking water.

I'm sorry.

I'm like, so then, dude. It's like my sister.
She has to put those fucking like flavor packs in. It a sip of water drink some fucking water i'm sorry i'm like so then my sister she has to put those fucking like flavors flavor packs it's like just drink the fucking drink the fucking water and everything has to be soda they won't do it it's crazy i get plenty of water in my soda and beer and coffee they ever hit you with the every woman hits you with the fucking i didn't get a good night's sleep i'd say i was with you i saw you oh dude 14 hours i i have actually i have that i have data on that they don't get good sleep well i know so when i got the aura ring i i don't have it right now but i was wearing this aura ring it was like tracking my sleep all this stuff finally talked my wife into getting one we went to bed at the exact same time we both wore them i woke up it was like eight hours sleep i woke up i'm like dude i'm my red in the score is 93 this is awesome what's yours fucking 55 you toss and turn she is when they get their periods their body temperature rises and i was peeping her readiness score and it was like dude it was 55 would be like if i had like five beers and stayed up till three in the morning and we got eight hours of sleep it's taking it east that's 95 readiness for me.
God damn I was good. Yeah and I woke up next to her and I was like what the fuck happened? She's like I told you I don't feel well when I'm not sleeping.
Damn dude you're fucked. Think of those floppy tits.
I got the data dude. Wow you rolled up like I can't sleep on this.
This fucking sucks to be a chick. It does suck to be a chick.

Bro, I didn't know.

It's like a whole week leading up to it.

Yeah, you get the flu every week.

Yeah.

But, dude, she had her fucking...

Every month.

She rode off a week of period into flu.

Yeah.

So it was period of flu.

Then I'm doing shows.

So, like, Thursday, we get the diagnosis.

I'm like, damn, you're fucked.

They hate show weekends anyway.

Hey, true.

They hate show weekends. I think her body has rejected it, dude.
Their bodies reject shows. Every single lady rejects the show.
Why do I do the thing I love doing and I do for money? And you knew it was coming on the schedule for three months straight. You knew it was coming.
Why do I do it? Go out every night. Why do I do it? And then there's no show weekends like what do you want to do let's just watch let's just watch some shows yeah that let's watch you need to be home for that yeah well dude I was nervous I'm what I'm what I'm trying to tell you right now is that I had all weekend I'm not trying to say like I'm a hero or whatever but it was babe had a fever yeah I had to do all the stuff during the day for the most part obviously we do we brought a babysitter with us so i did i got to chill a little bit but it was heroic but i had to make breakfast dude so i dude i was like getting up and it was like i would lay next it was crazy because i was laying next to her all night and it's like you know if you get if i get the flu i was like fuck oh yeah so it would just be like coughing and i just lay there just being like see what fucking happens.
Yeah. It was powered through the whole weekend.
It was pretty – it was a lot, dude. And then they fucking canceled two shows over the snow.
It snowed an inch and a half, which, to be fair, at first I was kind of salty because I was just like, dude, this is not that bad. But they didn't really – they didn't salt the roads, and it's like you're releasing – I think it was like 350 of the clubs.
You'd be releasing like, let's say, at least 500 drunk drivers at night. I was kind of like, yeah, that's fair.
But when people were like, oh, McCusker fucking canceled because a little snow. I was like, fuck that.
I don't care, dude. I don't care what people say.
How long did that take? 30 seconds. I grabbed my phone.
I was like, for the record, the club canceled. I felt like such a dumbass.
I was like, damn it. I showed my hand.
It was instantly people were like, fuck you, Fairweather McCosker. I'm like, fuck you, McCosker.
Oh, I got a good one. They got me.
I did San Antonio in Dallas. And I like to come out to dire straits, money for nothing.
Nice. Usually hits.
When it doesn't hit, I felt like a real turd. I was expecting a very raucous applause.
Yeah. Kind of mediocre.
I just walked out. I was like, hey, guys.
That was pretty intense, huh? Who was that guitarist, Shane? That's pretty sick. It's nice.
That guy is one of the ugliest rock stars in the world. I've never seen him.
He just hit before MTV. The lead singer of Dice.
Him, the guy from Genesis. They were both like couldn't have existed once MTV came around.
Who from Genesis? The main guy. Not the one who left, but the one who stayed.
Oh, yeah. It wasn't, whatchamacallit.
Collins. Yeah, Phil Collins.
You think Phil Collins is ugly? He was in an interview once. He goes, I can never make it now.
I'm so ugly. I'm mutually gifted.
I don't know how to comb my hair. Dyer Straits is some ugly ass.
Ugly, bro. Wow, wow.
Dyer Straits. That was Dyer Straits.
Oh, wow. Let me see.
I know. They're not the worst crew.

I can see why. That guy sucks.

That guy sucks.

I can see why someone in school called him that.

What's his name?

Dee Snider was the brother.

He was an ugly ass bull.

Yeah.

Ugly rock star is a sick life.

Because also making out for lost time.

Yeah.

That's what I should have done in high school. True.
some. Twisted Sister looks like fucking Ian Fidance.
Really? It kind of is giving me Ian Fidance vibes. What do you, what do you, are you just going through just like, hey, let's take a look.
Yeah. This guy seems like one of the uglier.
Dee Snider, isn't that his name? That's why they have the big hair to cover it up. Are you talking about the blonde dude? Yeah.
Dee Snider is a name that I've always heard of, but I'm like, I don't know where I'm supposed to know him from. I think Twisted Sister.
Who the fuck is Twisted Sister? What's her second biggest hit? We're not going to take it. What's her second biggest hit? And then it's...
Why would you look at me? I don't know a lot of hair metal.

I want to rock.

Okay, there you go.

The kids are back.

Nobody knows that one.

Yeah, you do.

I think it was in Jackass.

Sing it all the way through.

Toast to Sister Rules.

Nobody knows this yet.

This was in Jackass.

This is good. I know the it.
Yeah, the refrain. I know it.
I know it now. Yeah.
I never caught on with me, that genre of music. It sucks.
No, it got me for a little. Punk.
Yeah, punk in general. Yeah, I never.
I wouldn't say me and my uncle had an argument, but me and my uncle were skateboarding the other day.

Dude, it's crazy, too.

He's like 52.

Still ripping it.

He's ripping it pretty hard.

But I was telling him, they had a speaker,

and I was like, people are blasting music.

And I was like, dude, 90s, early 2000s were, I think, the golden era of skateboarding music.

And he was just quiet.

He was like, got quiet for a little bit,

and then after we were done, he's like,

yeah, I don't know about that, man.

It was definitely the 80s. It hit him hard.
No, it had to be. It him hard late 90s early 2000s that's what i was saying it was tony hawk era no tony hawk was way before the 90s no no no the video game the video game when skating like got huge yeah that's i was like because i was i when i'm like when i go to the pump track i'll hit the headphones and listen to like oh i just go there skateboard and listen to music i listened to when i was like 13 it's so fucking sick what is it like blink what's what's the genre of that 311 i was 311 though that's from money money ballstones is that it a real big fish yeah maybe sellouts real big fish real big fish they were great ballstones are nasty too i never told her i could i saw them at whips or hall ones yeah did you really yeah That's nasty too.
I never told her I could have I saw them at Webster Hall once.

Yeah. Did you really?

Yeah, it's pretty cool. I'm in

that big brass sound right now. I've been

listening to do Blood, Sweat, and Tears.

Did you ever fuck with them? No.

Brother. What are they up to? Just that

big brass sound. There's a lot of

a lot of horns and shit. You got a skanker

on stage? You got the horns going? I'm getting some horns

going, dude. Damn, that was legitimately a great act out of a musician.
That's a musical instrument. Oh, the mouth trumpet? Yeah.
Sorry. That was really good.
I can really nail it. If I wanted to, I can nail it.
Please. You know, I get a little shy.
Don't get shy, bro. I know you're shy.
Lick it. Wet your whistle.
Lick it. Wow.
The end was incredible. Took it all the way in.
Yeah, really pulled it. That's a bold move.
I'll be kicking myself on the drive like, dude, I could have trumpeted so much better on a football game. You need redemption at the national title.
I know, to kick the ball. What do you think about heading down Atlanta way on a Monday to kick a field goal for the national title.
I might have to. You tried when I missed?

Yeah.

It was close.

How many yards?

It was fucking, it was a far field goal. It was pretty far, dude.

And I only, you know, again.

It was probably like a 30-yard field goal.

30-yard.

Nobody's watching.

Nobody's, nobody's like trying to block.

No.

Thousands of people, millions of people on TV.

Nobody's blocking though.

No.

It's a freak hit.

I mean, if someone rushed me, I would have.

It would have helped.

Yeah.

Yeah, true.

I would have elevated a little bit.

30 yards.

And I'm not trying to sound like a baby. I didn't really eat all day, too.
You didn't really eat all day, and it was fucking freezing. How close were you? It was a good boot, dude.
It was. Did you try one? No.
Because you knew you wouldn't do it. I would have fallen down.
You would have actually got a hair. You would have like Charlie Browned yourself.
The weirdest part was I didn't. The kid even went for it.
So every week, college game day, they pick a college student to kick. And if the kid makes it, they give him like half a million dollars or $200,000.
Damn. Because the kids never make it, really.
But Matt went on and kicked it just kind of like it was a fun one. And then the kid who kicked it tried as hard as he fell twice.
Fell? Yeah, it was slippery, dude. It was slippery.
I would have torn my acl doing that i saw a big dog do that on game i heard about that he was warming up for it and fucking ripped his knee got hurt wow that's what a couple brewskis it's slick you go i gotta kick this everyone's watching i dude it's i the weirdest part was i've never really never kicked a field goal before so i had no i had no idea like yeah if it was going to go anywhere like how it was going to move and I was like so well pleasantly surprised yeah it was the boots the key was the snow boots you got to bring the boots and the straight on I just did the that guy tried to do you didn't go sideways now the kid who fell like did like a he like walked to the side he looked like he knew what he was doing yeah he was trying to kick through he tried to like really hoof it with like the inside of his get your leg up to there, though. Whoa, chill.
Whoa, chill, bro. What the hell was that? Nazi pause.
That's when you get your leg up to there. Yeah, man.
You can just elevate straight up. And you're like.
Yeah, over there. Although it is your leg.
To be fair, you are accurate. Yes.
I should have just done that. Fuck.
You are accurate. Fuck.
Yes. Maybe.
Damn it. One of the best ones I saw was in australia aussie football game and then halftime they had uh this thing where you're gonna have to go up and do a fair catch and then they try to hit you and so they had a guy with a mattress hitting people like do a fair catch we're gonna mattress fucking pummel you so you can see if you can do it yeah one guy missed you know they pummel them another guymel him.
Another guy, like, catches it, falls over, and everyone's like, he got it. And then the ball just rolls away, and we're all like, he's out.
Yeah. Game time went like that, and the ball just slowly.
Oh, no. There was a third guy that was going to go, and they're like, game's over.
Game's over. Fuck that guy up.
Oh, man. I just saw a clip of the Slap League.
I get it all the time. I got into the Slap League algorithm this week.
So did I. Did you see the fucking dude who got knocked out in the last one? No, I thought they all got knocked out.
I actually watched the whole episode one time, and I didn't see a lot of people get knocked out. Maybe it was just the one I watched.
I watched a clip of this dude getting knocked out on a slap, and it's funny because they just cut to Dana White, who's just in a chair like, oh. Every time it's Dana White, I can't believe that happened.
He wasn't guarding himself. He was going to get slapped.
It is just so sick to like, you know, he's got a lot of stuff going on, and he makes just like, I guess, a couple hours every week to go sit in a chair and just watch man get slapped in the face. He created that, or I i guess he bought it or whatever i heard tony and marie maddie were down there like let's do a commentary like hey we can make this funny and stuff and dana was like it's not funny it's a serious thing and i'm trying to get it like a real sport they're like it's a sick fucking sport it looks like it reminds me like a medieval bar game yeah just fucking dude it was and they talk shit to other.
It is disheartening when a guy slaps a guy and he doesn't move and he's like, oh, I'm gonna fuck you up, bitch. He's about to slap you next.
Yeah, you go, oh, fuck. I'd quit so fast.
Yeah. Just be like, yeah, you know what, man? I actually quit.
Slap him once. I'm going like, hey, I'm going to fuck that guy.
You win, forfeit. You already got the jack.
You're like, yeah, you know what, man? I don't need to smack you. What are we even doing here? What's the point of this? Just put out the hands.
My bad on that. Yeah, I was disheartened today to see the Cameron, Jim Jones beef.
I didn't know they were beefing. They were beefing? They were beefing hard as hell, dude.
Oh, damn. Cameron and Jim Jones, you know Dipset?et yes dude i'm hip you are this guy out of control last night he met joe burrow and goes where did you go to school lsu you fool i'm sorry yeah and then he doesn't even know the diplomats yeah diplomats i thought that was like public knowledge diplo diplo yeah he'splo? Yeah.
He's cool. He's not quite a diplomat.
Wait, what is this? They were just like a 2000s rap group. Oh, boy.
Hey, ma. Yeah.
Purple Haze. Oh, yeah.
That was Cameron's. Oh, right, right, right.
Baby. Baby.
Oh, I do know that. Dude, the.
So what's their beef? Who not? Jim Jones was like. Oh, I listened to it today.
Cameron laid out the whole thing. He didn't didn't obviously he didn't want to do this jim jones the one who gave out his number that was mike jones sorry go ahead yeah jim jones was part of the diplomats but apparently they i didn't know they were beefing but now it's like doesn't sound diplomatic at all exactly true what i can't keep calling was it jomo jomo like jomo yeah but he was like kind of Why Why was he calling Jomo? I don't know.
I guess that was his nickname. And they were saying it was really a weird detail.
But he was trying to like. They were just going back and forth.
I think Jim Jones, from what I believe, he was saying, I started that shit. That was basically me.
I think he was trying to paint himself as like I was more of like the underworld. Kind of like, I don't know, whatever.
But he was painting himself as like that was kind of me like the brains behind it then Cameron today it was pretty brutal it was just like dude you were just a fan of ours and the only reason we talked is because you're apparently his grandmom died or his mom died or something he was like yo my grandmom died free house and then like they're like okay dude it's kind of weird you're like invite us over your house and then the camera was like you know what though it was a free house so my grandma died. Free house.
And then they were like, okay, dude, it's kind of weird. You're like, invite us over your house.
And then the camera was like, you know what, though? It was a free house. So I started bringing bitches over and just fucking them in Jim Jones' dead grandma's house.
Oh, man. With that smell.
With that smell. I can't show them.
There's still a medical bed. You never fucked a bitch until you fuck her where she can go like.
Yeah, but he was saying basically like you were just like a weirdo he tolerated and then So mean it was really such a bummer to find out Yeah, it was tough. You were the one in the friend group.
I thought he was a wild card myself I was a wild card. Maybe maybe still is I don't know, but it was funny Apparently, it's a beef from like 10 years ago that got resurrected so it is sick to be you know you guys look it's never too you're never too old to beef just be like like 50 years old trying to do your podcast and all of a sudden you start starts beefing with you like that it's like bro can we please we already beefed about this so long ago and he just pretty much like devastated him pretty badly he's like i don't want to do this anymore and i was listening to like jesus christ i'd be so mad it's tough to be hard at that age yeah dude yeah true you said it it's tough to get hard at that age oh sorry i missed it how are the boners how are the boners can we talk is like guys right now how are the boners going for all this? I woke up rock hard this morning.
I was delighted. Yeah, morning when you don't need it.
It's great. It's true.
I tried my best to use it. Get a bone with my dog a lot.
You get a bone around your dog? Dog's like cuddling sometimes. I'm just like fucking.
Straight body heat. Trying to move it away from him.
Yeah. But he knows more master than before.
He loves it. It's a little more submissive that morning.
He's like, yeah, you're right. I'll fucking roll over.
Dan, so you're getting rock hard next to me. You better fucking roll over.
Yeah, you better fucking sit, dude. You felt your fucking dad's boner.
Sit. What kind of dog do you have? Just like this size.
Yo, fleshline. Sweet little flesh like that dog.
Oh, yeah. A little fleshy uh were you about to say you think your dad ever had a boner while you were chilling with him do you think he definitely all of us right definitely yeah you're like you ever talk to your dad in the morning he had a boner if you were in your dad's bed in the morning your dad had a fucking boner or at least a semi yeah especially when you think about like there were 30 something they weren't even like old yeah oh yeah exactly a young man yeah just never really stopped man i remember i would get woken up in the morning for school and i had a boner and now it's like you're woken up in the morning it's like damn i got i've been trying to like hide my boner in the morning since i was like fucking 12 i have never i've not gotten a break yeah it sucks though because yeah you wake up in the morning you're like damn this is the hardest i've ever been and then you walk to like the bathroom in the shower and you see you're fully erect on you go god damn i thought this thing was bigger this thing felt so much bigger than it is dude i literally had that last night last night i was like yo i think i might have reached a new level when i went to the bathroom i was like same old same old guy like wobbles while you walk like oh you're trying to bend a boner like real tough and try to like no dude oh yeah that's great that's great you do oh yeah nice you bend it you're a little pressure player myself you can't you try to just try to squeeze it to the top you know like one of those pixie sticks yeah yeah what if you caught the pinch there's gotta be a point where like the nerve pinches and you're like ow oh yeah reach that point true just go past it into fucking no i don't fucking bend my i know i know that's crazy that's disgusting i would never do that i would never do that that was a good boner check-in just check in on everybody's rock how are you doing because that is a non-boner outfit you're wearing.

Could be better. check-in.
Just check-in on everybody's rock hard boners. How are you doing? Because that is a non-boner outfit you're wearing.

Could be better.

What is happening?

You're quiet. Since I've come back, you're so quiet.

I haven't been quiet. I've seen you like twice.

I want to talk to you and hang out with you.

Let's hang out. Nate, we got to get you harder, dude.

We can't.

Guys suffer in silence, but the boys need to be there and get them hard as fuck again. Bro, get me hard.
What's the root you were talking about? Maca, bro. Get me hard.
Get me hard. Bro, start taking maca.
Take like two tablespoons every morning. You're going to wake.
You'll forget about it and wake up the next morning and go, no, no. The boners are fine.
They're fine. The boners are fine.
No, man. No, just fine.
We don't settle for just fine. Where I am bummed is I used to be able to get drunk and fuck and fuck forever.

And now. Those days.

Those days.

Yeah.

Those days are done.

Now I come home and I'm like, I try and I'm like, forget it.

Yeah.

And I miss the good old days of.

Yeah.

Because that's when it's the most fun.

Yeah.

You have a couple of drinks.

You got, I don't give a fuck what I look like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't care.

We can do anything.

Yeah. I'll ask for anything.

I'll take the no gracefully.

A little buzz.

You go, hey, that's no problem.

Sober nose.

How could you?

I thought you loved me.

No, I'm not mad.

I'm just trying to paint my reality to you, which is like, what am I going to do? And what would you do if I said no? You would literally cry. If you asked me to go down on you and I said no, you would cry.
No, I don't want it anymore. I'm just letting you know how I feel.
I get it. Trust me, I'm not mad.
I just, you know, I don't know. What am I supposed to do? Just feel like this? This is crazy.
I've been thinking about setting up the menu. I might start setting up the menu where it's like monthly i'm i'm just i'm telling you i'm gonna go let's take let's take a look at the apps what's the soup of the day what am i getting this month can we just talk about it in advance and what i've come to is two sex i don't think that's crazy to ask for two sex is a month that's fucking crazy that's low minimum minimum minimum i'm talking about the minimum oh yeah yeah dollar menu two hjs and one beach i think dude a beach is a beach is nice so that's one of my heart of sex finishing complete i want a full beach no sex involved no hand full beach once a month it's up to me i'd like to reserve the that's gluttonous dude that's theRib.
The beans comes out once in a blue moon and you go, the McRib is back. That's the point.
I don't know where it came. No one even told me it was coming.
That's the point of the menu. That's the period.
That's the time. That's what I'm saying.
I want a period. Great.
We still own IOU. That's like literally my passion you just brought up.
I've been passionately crusading for the period blowjob.

And it's like I'm just in the dark.

I feel like I'm alone, brother.

I feel like I'm alone, brother.

We're all with you.

No one's ever gotten period head in a relationship.

We see you.

You are seen.

We're holding space.

I want to see one of those videos.

Black and white was just like shit written on a cardboard box.

Thank you for holding space. We're holding space.
They're cranky, dude. They're not going to give head.
That's the perfect time for it. That's the best head.
The cranky head. Nice.
Yeah, just catching a sigh. Doesn't matter.
I got the hot breath. Yeah, your little fucking nasty ass sigh actually felt good jokes on you bitch I will say that's gonna suck so bad to have sex with a guy when you don't really feel like it not like I don't want to definitely is this good for you when you don't like it yeah it's a presently it is not even saying like you truly don't't want to then it'll be off the table when they're like fine it's

got to be so is it's

like nothing grosser if

you're not like in that sexual mood with all those hormones flying you just watch a guy like yeah there's like jesus fucking can I buy the handmaiden's tale is so successful oh dude

you think of what I'm thinking

no my bad

what page are you on? Wait. No, I've been on the pie page.
Did she just say it? Oh, yeah. Did she say coming to me? Oh, dude.
Did she say that? I'm not going to ask. I was on them.
She said something. She said something.
I was on them, and then now I'm off them, and it's like they're starting to call to me again. You've always had the call to pie.
I started thinking about the Bible. I'm like, they had like 25 fucking kids.
They'll be fine. Oh, dude, the pie rules.
It's, dude, it's fucking calling. I held off very late in life.
So did I. So did I.
I'll give it a case. I fear the pie.
The crazy kids in high school. I had kids in high school that would pie.
I just put pie in left Your friends in high school. They were tossing pie.
It was like, dude, what? High school kids tossing pies. And then they go, she can't get pregnant.
Like, why? Like, she didn't last time. Like, that's not a point.
You got lucky the first time. I had friends that would pie in high school when I was like, dude, you're a savage, bro.
I was terrified of pie in high school. I still fear the pie.
Right now, I fear that.

Nate's a little fucking thick ass.

I know you're pieing.

I love the pie.

There's no way you're pulling out with that fucking ass.

I do pull out, but when I get the opportunity to get out.

I have science behind the pie.

Back it up.

That is fucked up, dude.

Are you out yet? You'll know when I'm out Trying to pull out And having your ass hit the dresser Oh shit That's a new porn genre There's no fucking shwee in this place I can't pull out The guy getting fucked against the wall Oh fuck Can't pull out to say a thing, but I have a friend. I'm not going to say his name, but he.
Gardock. No, not Gardock.
It's Gardock. He's been with a lady for a long time, but never pod.
What? Never once. That's crazy.
It's kind of crazy, right? That's crazy. That's crazy.
Never? Never. I think I know who you're talking about.
Yeah, maybe. You might have the fucking reverse beep, too.
What's that? What is that? If I had to guess who it was, I'd say it was a dump truck. He's pulling out.
I had to guess. It was a fucking fire engine backing out.
Ha truck damn that pod squad is like Thomas the Tank Engine squad of pies dude Shut up, baby. It's all stopped.

It's crazy. I was like,

I'm going to be so... Squat of pies, dude.

Shut up, Eddie.

It's all stopped.

It's crazy. I was like,

I'm going to pee so bad.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

So good.

That's squat.

You're talking about

the pain to the mouth.

Squat.

The squat is fucking nice.

What a great squat. It's a great squad.
The pull squad. Holy fuck.
I told you I was listening to that. Who the fuck is that? I don't know a piece of paper.
I want to know who that is. Yeah, he won't care.
It's Andy. Andy Malafarina.
It's your panties in the motherfucking mouth. Panties in the mouth.
Oh, I, I thought you said it. He didn't say the name.
This boy. Oh.

Pod Squad.

Panties in the mouth.

Panties in the mouth podcast.

P.I. Tim on YouTube.

Oh, my God.

I gotta take a look at the boys.

I didn't.

I mean, I always, like, knew of the ampleness of that fucking squad.

I never really thought about it in terms of the getting used.

The squad.

What is it?

The fat boys.

The fat boys rappers. That's the squad bro That's a good crew That's the fat boys Oh my god Oh my god Oh man dude I just can't stop laughing I'll to pull out of a woman having your butt it's like i gotta pull out it's like it's stuck in my head hey lady you gotta move too we gotta go our separate ways yeah that'd be a nice tim burton movie imagine it like shot like all weird like tim Burton, but everyone's butts are just blockety.

That's a whole movie.

Just Johnny Depp with a humongous butt.

Just getting trapped.

The bad boys might be pain in the mouth.

What's Johnny Depp up to right now?

Is Johnny Depp... He got fat.

He got fat?

Yeah, he got chubbed.

Really?

Yeah, he's not getting drained anymore. Yeah, true.
I mean, he is for sure, but he got chubby last time I saw him. Did he really? Yeah.
Not like... Kind of powerful to defeat your wife in court and then get fat.
He was so cool in court. And what's this tin can for? He goes, it's for Coke.
You know what it's for? Why are we doing this? Yeah, he was. That was unbelievable.
It was such a weird... What was the weird what was the trial was it just like he said she said it was really just like having your friends like bitch at each other in front of you what was the crime though was the crime abuse was the crime like i think libel was the crime that he lost didn't he lose like pirates of the caribbean and all that shit from her slander saying this guy's a scumbag and then suing him he was like no not captain jack sparrow that's gotta be so sick yeah that is good that there's gotta be something cool about that like going through the whole arc of like the relationship and then getting to sue each other at the end of it suing each other and having a judge be like yes she was a bitch It's illegal.
She was a bitch. Legally.
The United States says she's a bitch.

Huge rule. Yeah, she wanted a female judge for sure.
That was a good one. A female judge might have hurt her.
She was a young cutie. He's misunderstood.
If it was an old lady, though. That was damning evidence.
Turn it on the bed, man.

It's inexcusable.

Turn it on the bed, man.

It's inexcusable.

You shit on my bed and then wrote my name in shit on the wall.

Yeah.

Or blood?

I don't remember.

I think she cut herself and wrote it in blood.

Did she cut herself, too?

It's honestly.

I'd rather a girl cut herself than shit the bed.

Shitting the bed is uncalled.

Shitting the bed is fucked up.

Cutting yourself is like, okay.

Cutting yourself is like, no, you didn't.

Too much Shakespeare.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the same thing. It's like, I just shit the bed.
I'm is like, no, you didn't. Too much Shakespeare.
Yeah. Same thing.

It's like, I'm a show this weekend.

You're lying.

You didn't cut yourself.

Yeah.

Shit in bed.

The proof is dead.

I'm a show this weekend.

You're trying to ruin it right now.

It's just that behavior was just like, it's Fort Lauderdale trash.

That's all they were.

Yeah.

Well, anyway.

Yeah.

Let's switch over to the Patreon.

Let's do the Patreon.

The page.

Yes. Go watch Ari Shaffir's special on anyway.
Yeah. Let's switch over to the Patreon.
Let's do the Patreon. The page.
Yes.

Go watch Ari Shafir's special on Netflix.

Yes.

Watch it all the way through.

Enjoy it.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Do whatever.

People from Manchester, England, come to my show.

Ooh.

When you go on Manchester rules.

Yeah.

And match.

Always.

Yeah.

Please come.