Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 1 Hey, how are you? Oh,

Speaker 1 yes.

Speaker 1 What a great start. We are here.
Wow, you guys missed an incredible joke.

Speaker 1 We're here live with the Ari Shafir. Thanks, guys.
He's got a new special out on Netflix called America's Sweetheart. That's where I am.
I like that.

Speaker 1 I don't know how you've tricked everybody into thinking you're some nice fucking guy. I hate it.

Speaker 1 Everybody's always around me. They're like, Ari's great.
He's so nice. He helps other comps.
I'm just sitting there. I know he's a fucking devil.

Speaker 1 Only when the cameras are on, I'll give a dollar to an open micro. Yeah.
You're sackish. And I'll take it behind closed doors.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, it's exciting stuff, dude. Thanks.
Congratulations on the special. It's awesome.
Thanks. I'm digging the vibes in here today, man.
Me too, dude. Very NPR-esque.
I think so. Yeah, very low.

Speaker 1 Do you think we're going NPR right now? I think we're going a little quiet. I like that, yeah.
I don't mind it. How about this? How about the, hey, say, say, hey, welcome, Ari again.

Speaker 1 Hey, welcome, Aries. Thanks, Shane.
Thanks, Matt. It's been a pleasure.
I've been listening to you guys for a long time.

Speaker 1 I got to check out your special last night, and wow, what a special treat that was. Thank you.
That's an honor.

Speaker 1 When you interview Charlie Rose, that was one of the greatest interviews I've ever seen. It's very transgressive.
It was transgressive.

Speaker 1 Wait, what's that word? Don't worry about it. Games aggressive.
Trans. All right, all right.

Speaker 1 Transgressive. Yeah.
That'd be a sick name for like a roller derby player, like a giant lady. Transgressive.
My name's Transgressive. It's a Transgressor.
It's an Enforcer.

Speaker 1 You used to watch Roller Derby on TV. Yeah, I used to think it was going to be so cool.
Yeah, I didn't know what to think about.

Speaker 1 I was like, this is going to be incredible. Honestly, kind of like a slam ball.
Yeah. On the trampolines.
That part was pretty great. I thought it was going to be incredible.

Speaker 1 They would take a fucking XFL, trash, roller derby, trash.

Speaker 1 Well, roller derby to me, it was like in my head for some reason, I was like, oh, yeah, girls in the rollerblades short shorts and i was like these girls are pretty strong they're gonna scissor i thought i was gonna get way more into it sexually and i was like this is oh you went into it sexually i went into it strictly for the game you went for the love

Speaker 1 cool sport it sounded to me like a sexual thing when i was younger i was like oh yeah roller derby time and i'm like man these are some giant ladies i like to take off one chick and they just launch her yeah that's fun somebody else like clothesline and you're like oh fuck why did you launch me yeah it's nice yeah i guess the point guard girls were kind of some of them, they're all kind of, yeah, they're either giant butch lesbians or giant straight sluts.

Speaker 1 Yeah, true. You know? Yeah, what's uh, yeah, it was like, like pin-up girls, they wear like

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? They have like throwback tattoos of from

Speaker 1 the girls. They were like, um,

Speaker 1 what's that word I'm looking for? Uh, is it Betty? Rockabilly. Rockabilly, is that it?

Speaker 1 No, burlesque. I'm thinking of burlesque dancers.
Yeah, it's very much burlesque dancers wrestling each other. Yeah.
Burlesque dance. Have you ever felt you ever gotten into that?

Speaker 1 I've had to do stand-up shows at some of those burlesque, and

Speaker 1 again, something I thought I'd be into. The exact

Speaker 1 dancing, you know, it's the same as stand-up,

Speaker 1 the low-level ones that are like, please come free drinks. Yeah, yeah, burlesque is pretty.
I like, yeah, the same way. I'm like, oh, yeah, it's going to be awesome.

Speaker 1 And you're like, this is, this sucks. I don't even want to see these girls do this.
I don't see them. Take it all off.
Like, we don't take it all off. We take some off.
Yeah, it's like librarians.

Speaker 1 It is. Librarians showing their fucking underwear.
And you're like, dude, just put your fucking clothes back on and go back to the library. I don't want to.
Self-respect.

Speaker 1 You don't have to do this. Why are you doing this? Does Dewey Decimal not pay well?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're anti-burlesque here. I don't like that at all.
No.

Speaker 1 Stand strongly against burlesque. We're against what else is going on.
It is tight for guys.

Speaker 1 Some guys do get dragged into the burlesque world by their girlfriend and they have to sit there and be like, those are all very powerful performances from all four of you guys.

Speaker 1 I like the one dressed as a devil. That was pretty cool.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they shake their tits with tassels on them

Speaker 1 in front of all their weirdos, like five weirdos in a room. Yeah.
Long-haired, skinny boyfriends just sitting there and just

Speaker 1 they always have those scarves that don't actually warm them. Yeah, it's just loose feathers.
Disgusting. Decorative scarf.
Yeah. Something's flying right now.
This podcast is flying. I can feel it.

Speaker 1 We're going to catch something. Well, we were doing NPR vibes.
If you want to, dude, just turn up the dial. If you turn up the dial, dude, if you want to jam.
All I can think of. No, we're still.

Speaker 1 Well, hold on, man.

Speaker 1 let's talk hell let loose, the newest hit video game in my mind. Oh, yeah, hell let loose.
I've been playing as the Nazis,

Speaker 1 of course, you are.

Speaker 1 You were like, you need a cheat code. You don't need to pick.
I won't be regular. Show me the cheat code, bro.
You can pick which team they put you on.

Speaker 1 But when I do get the Nazis, the part of me goes,

Speaker 1 I love it. Shane's like, I'll just, I'll work the chambers.
No, I'll just work. I'll sims it.
True. Do they have the chambers in the game? No.
It's realistic, bro. They didn't exist.

Speaker 1 It's a realistic game. What are you laughing about?

Speaker 1 It's a realistic game.

Speaker 1 Too realistic. That's so fucking funny.

Speaker 1 It's so funny when you talk to like old Europeans about it. And they're like, like we talked about the Slovaks, like they took it too, and a lot of different people took it hard.

Speaker 1 And they're like the gypsies, too. And everyone's like, yeah, but they deserve it.

Speaker 1 Even the Jews, like, no, wait, did it? Who in your family died in the Holocaust? None of them that I knew. Oh, okay.
Well, yeah, obviously.

Speaker 1 all my dad's greater family. Yeah.
None of his direct.

Speaker 1 Damn, just like cousins and stuff. So you're like 35 of them gone.
Your grandpa?

Speaker 1 He survived. Grandma, grandpa, dad, all sisters.
And then one of the grandmasters. Surviving the Holocaust must have been crazy.

Speaker 1 You think it's saused?

Speaker 1 Oh, interesting.

Speaker 1 To survive? What did you do with that?

Speaker 1 I mean, that's it. That's

Speaker 1 a really evil thing to say, but this is probably where NBR interviews are. It's just funny.
It's funny talking to like literally a genuine Holocaust survivor.

Speaker 1 Make you survive kind of sus, and they're like, what?

Speaker 1 What is that? I was just saying, it's kind of weird. Suss? How'd you get out of that?

Speaker 1 Well, I regret that joke.

Speaker 1 I regret that one already.

Speaker 1 That's a funny joke. Just the word sus in Holocaust survivor.
It's so funny.

Speaker 1 You just went, you like, bore witness to the most horrific condition you're like shitty fucking grandson's like that's actually kind of sus

Speaker 1 my brother's kid started saying sus he's like yeah eight and my brother's like he's so creative and i'm like that's a good term he goes oh

Speaker 1 yeah yeah it's like the fortnight dance a lot of little kids all

Speaker 1 yeah the fortnight dance rules they really do do those things like when you go somewhere there's kids just busting out

Speaker 1 the whole time yeah it's kind of actually upsetting that, like, all kids now talk exactly the same. Fortnite talk.

Speaker 1 It's a motherfucking bull. Yeah, there is no local dialect anymore.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Philly's hold on strong.
That's about it. Philly's got it.
They're losing it. You don't have it.
You don't have it. Matt has.

Speaker 1 Matt has.

Speaker 1 Only when I get mad, I'm like a Latino. Yeah.
When I get mad, it comes out. My passion comes out.

Speaker 1 Maddie McArdo. Yeah, he gets fired.
Dude, I'm pretty passionate right now. I'm still off the porn.
I've been off the porn since January 6th. Why? Did you find the best one?

Speaker 1 No, i just i said i'm this year i'm like i'm gonna try to go back off it i i went off for a long time and then i went back on being because i went back and forth i'm like i'm not gonna quit something if there's no real reason to quit it then i went back off and i was like i i finally had sex last night and i was like shouldn't say finally but i had sex

Speaker 1 well i was growing my beard in protest yeah i told brittany i was like i'm not shaving the last and you look skinny you've been on hunger strike i've been working out thank you for noticing i've hit yeah i've hit like i think one eighth of my goal weight, 178.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to get to. Thank you for noticing that.
That's my goal weight. 178.
Yeah. Really? I told you about fucking 100 pounds off.

Speaker 1 You'll get to 100 pounds off soon. Yeah, when I'm dead.

Speaker 1 But yeah, what do you use? Imagination? For what? To ejaculate.

Speaker 1 I tried. Wait, were you just watching Porphy for the cinematography? No, no, no, no.
I was obviously masturbating to it.

Speaker 1 I mean, I have watched once, like a couple of times when I was younger, I would just kind of like throw it up, just like watch to see what I wanted to come back to when I came home.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I was pretty deep into it. But the uh recently

Speaker 1 laughing at you've been there, you do it now. I still do it, it's

Speaker 1 an actual problem, but I just kind of was really

Speaker 1 look like

Speaker 1 I am unknowing.

Speaker 1 You have become

Speaker 2 it's fine, I like it. I kind of love it.

Speaker 1 I do too. You look cute.
Wow, what's the white wife effect? It's a white wife effect.

Speaker 1 It is a white wife effect. Holy shit, dude.
I still dress like a fucking old white man. I am wearing a 9-11 shirt.
Please show the people.

Speaker 1 That is funny. Light new bounces, light jeans.
That's not even a 9-11 pro. That's not even an eagle.
What is that?

Speaker 1 That ain't an eagle. That's a crow.
That's a crowd. Damn, bro.
You're on that.

Speaker 1 He's dressed like a substitute bus driver. You don't even have an ass anymore.
You got a flat white ass.

Speaker 1 I did lose my ass. How'd you lose your ass actually?

Speaker 1 All right, please don't talk about the ass. You lose your ass and reparations

Speaker 2 in solidarity with my mother.

Speaker 1 You lost your ass for real? What happened? This is funny.

Speaker 1 Pancake butt. I donated it to her.

Speaker 1 You get the fucking white flapjacks. You know how you like foot train like young Chinese girls? You think

Speaker 1 butt train?

Speaker 1 They'd bind in Nate's ass.

Speaker 1 Are you wearing Spanks? How is it like that?

Speaker 1 I just lost it. This is what we needed.
The podcast needed a bit of a podcast.

Speaker 1 We had no topics to see in New York.

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 1 You look good. Thank you.
Thank you. You do look good.
I actually genuinely think you look great. The sweatshirts.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Since I've been back, you've been much more reserved and quiet.

Speaker 1 It's not good. Did you get molested?

Speaker 1 What happened? You weren't here to protect them, Shane. I know.
I think you left them all. Killed Nomi crew.
You molested my sweet boys.

Speaker 1 I've been running a train on the guard dogs. Don't say that.
Don't say that.

Speaker 1 create ops.

Speaker 1 You've been having. I had very low confidence when I moved down here.

Speaker 1 Is it confidence? I don't think it's confidence. Sean said it.
Sean said low confidence, Nate.

Speaker 1 No confidence. No conflict, Nate.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think it's flipping. That's the problem.
I'm going from non-conflict to like,

Speaker 2 I think I'm turning nasty and I'm trying to.

Speaker 1 You're getting nasty?

Speaker 2 I'm trying to keep it in, though. I'm trying not to be nasty, Nate.
I'm trying to

Speaker 1 be no conflict.

Speaker 2 I don't want to be no conflict either, but I was happier as no conflict, but uh, but people are no, I want you guys

Speaker 1 for them to have conflict, yeah, because I last time I saw each of you, you were what's the word, bitches,

Speaker 1 screaming,

Speaker 1 screaming bitches. That's when no conflict nate started right there.
Oh,

Speaker 1 guard dog called him no conflict nate because they were you guys need ops, and the kill tony crew was perfect for you guys to battle with.

Speaker 1 You guys need to battle with them.

Speaker 1 I'm dead Deanie. You said Daddy?

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 1 we're going to switch sorry why did you why did you get dragged into conflict who wanted more conflict in your life my dog wanted conflict nate said i don't want any conflict but now you but he's zandini he's zandini now wait so why does he get a cool no conflict name and he hit you with like a negative one

Speaker 1 he's the writer

Speaker 1 i like nasty nate though i'll be nasty nate yeah you need to be nasty i like you nasty yeah it's not gonna be a meme nate i've never known you angry That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I've always seen it pretty chill.

Speaker 2 Shane seen it, but it was years ago. I've got it.

Speaker 1 I know, but I'm still. No, it comes out.
It was funny watching. He was still a special needs guy at an open mic.

Speaker 2 He wasn't special needs. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 He was after you punched him.

Speaker 2 I did. I did punch him.

Speaker 1 He asked for it, but

Speaker 2 he probably was bipolar, though. But that doesn't count.
I think you can punch a bipolar.

Speaker 1 You can't punch a bisexual.

Speaker 1 I think he was actually a bisexual bipolar. Oh, damn.
That actually might be true. That's Kim.
That's una then. Yeah.
That's that's unipolar

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 look at the double negative damn he was bisexual bipolar he was definitely bipolar he was

Speaker 2 possibly bisexual what he did

Speaker 1 he got in the kissing distance i was gonna say i think that might be it might have been a lover's quarrel more than no he did the first thing he did was blow a kiss at me that is what started the conflict though

Speaker 2 i was walking into it was like an open bike at the time that we were going to and i was walking past uh and i just tried to say what up and we got because we were clearly not like having we were clearly having tension, but I was trying to not worry about that.

Speaker 2 And I walked past, said, what's up? And he went,

Speaker 1 and then, you know,

Speaker 2 I didn't sock him right then. Time had passed.
I went outside to smoke. And he just, he was trying to fight me, but like in an alleyway, he was like, let's go to the alleyway, away from the mic.

Speaker 2 And I was like, you're a psycho. I know you're going to try to stab me.

Speaker 1 He's going to try to suck you. He's going to try to stab you.

Speaker 2 Better, but I just came back to the mic. Zen.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what you need, though. That's the best way to do open mics is with open conflict with somebody else in the room.

Speaker 1 So then you go on stage and do stand-up at them, which is so embarrassing to do while fighting at any enemy

Speaker 1 watches in the worst room. We're like,

Speaker 1 we're all failing here.

Speaker 1 And it's like, you sucked. Like, you're next.
Yeah, you're on next. And you suck.
We're both here. I'm going to laugh at your jokes.

Speaker 1 You six of us. I'm going to whisper to somebody next to me.
I go, this guy fucking sucks. God, if it's open mics, we had to pretend to listen until you get on.
You can stop.

Speaker 1 The best was going to those mics that everyone just was done pretending. No one listened.
Like the Raven towards the end, people were just fell apart. It was just a bar.
That's nice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so people were standing and talking at a bar. And then one at a time, someone would go up while no one listened to them.
Let me ruin the vibe while you guys were talking. No one listened.

Speaker 1 Dude, when I, the Raven, when I started comedy, was run by H. Foley and Chris Cotton, RIP.

Speaker 1 And if you like, even whispered, you'd have one of them like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, they were fucking

Speaker 1 kicked out of their mind. They were so drunk.
They were going nuts. They would get hammered the whole thing.
It was so good, though.

Speaker 1 It was this tiny black box of a room, and it could fit like maybe 40 people. It really did that.
It was so fun. It started.
Raven Lounge. Yeah, but it was like.
It would have been 2008, 2009.

Speaker 1 If you did healing him, usually on a Thursday, you would jump over there afterwards. Yeah, maybe I've done it then.
It was so fucking fun. How big was H.
Foley, though?

Speaker 1 G-Foley. Wasn't as big.
He wasn't as big. No, he was still

Speaker 1 lowercase. Still a young tadpole.

Speaker 1 Not fully.

Speaker 1 He was a big dog, but he was not nearly.

Speaker 1 Chris Cotton was a big dog, too. Cotton was a big dog.
That was a lot of big dog energy. He was a lot of big dogs.

Speaker 1 It was crazy.

Speaker 1 Kevin Ryan did a good job surrounding himself with big dogs. True.
Kevin Ryan really is like that six chick who's hanging around with fours. He's crazy.
He's like, he's fat as fuck, dude.

Speaker 1 He's fat as fuck. And he's like, no, I'm so thin.
I'm like, bro.

Speaker 1 The whole time he's just talking to H. Volley about being fat.
He's so fucking funny. I never even thought about it.
His guys was totally effective. It's a great move, dude.
It's so good. Shame.

Speaker 1 So I had a wear in the pool house. Now I'm fucked.

Speaker 1 There's just a unit out there.

Speaker 1 I told you about the guy when I worked for an electrician.

Speaker 1 We all would go to a bar afterwards. It's where he paid everybody and he did all of his like hirings there.
And this one guy came in. Just fat as fuck.
My boss was also pretty portly as well.

Speaker 1 And he looked at the dude. The guy starts handing him his resume.
He goes, no, no, no, you're hired. And the guy's like, are you serious? He's like, yeah, I need someone someone here fatter than me.

Speaker 1 Fuck you, thank you.

Speaker 1 I'll take it. I don't like it, but I'll take it.
It's the funniest hiring I've ever seen. I need someone fatter than me,

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Oh, man.

Speaker 1 But back to the pornography and you.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, dude. I wanted to say that the law here does help with that, obviously.
Yeah. Because you don't, I mean, if you sink so low, it's to go to X videos.
It's so embarrassing going on.

Speaker 1 Which sites are still available in Texas? You're disgusting. Yeah, you got to go last night.
You go through like the ninth grade.

Speaker 1 Where did I used to jack all? I know. It's there's a lot more hidden camera videos on those.
A lot of illegal stuff. There's a lot of stuff.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm like, oh, I saw one that was just, it said, How old is she?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Yeah. That was the title.
That was the title.

Speaker 1 I wasn't even searching anything. That was just on the recording.

Speaker 1 They throw it a record. They throw you crazy shit.
That was a curveball. And I was like, what a wow.
How old is she? Well, you should investigate.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's the producers going, like, we don't know. We'd love to find out.
There's probably one way to find out.

Speaker 1 it didn't feel like 16

Speaker 1 weird

Speaker 1 yeah that's but that they that law that they passed it is helpful i think it's good yeah it makes perfect sense it's just i when they went to pass the law you protest because any other time you'd be like yeah go ahead get rid of it until you're horny yeah and then when you're horny you go what the fuck that's what i'm saying that they've taken from us for me and again i haven't i you know i haven't been tested now and like alone in a hotel room that's the ultimate that's like i mean in my house easy i mean you know know, obviously, it takes some effort, but easy enough.

Speaker 1 But, like, dude, yeah, yeah, that shit's impossible.

Speaker 1 Now that I'm off of, though, when you're married, though, it's like if you have porn, it gives you like a little trench where, like, if you're fighting, you can be like and just go beat off and then keep the fight going.

Speaker 1 But if you're charged up,

Speaker 1 it's your trench. You can just be like, Yeah, you go back to the foxhole.
I don't need you. Yep, I don't need it.
Fuck you, blah, blah, blah. Yep, dude.
I was on a

Speaker 1 It was basically a 10-day.

Speaker 1 It was like a 10-day hold-in. And I was like, we were like, it was like a mild beef regular stuff.
And I wanted to be mad so badly. And she just touched me last night.
And I was

Speaker 1 diamond hard. And we had to just settle the beef immediately.
And I was like, yep, porn is definitely.

Speaker 1 So I've doubled down on porn. I'm off porn now.
Are you using your imagination?

Speaker 1 If I sink so low as to hurt myself in masturbation, yes.

Speaker 1 But yeah, no, I try not to masturbate at all.

Speaker 1 I mean I'm not gonna be a psycho about it if you know if I like really can't sleep I'll just do it but it's not like a shame thing but it definitely is a relationship enhancer yeah almost too much I was I was telling uh

Speaker 1 spud today I was like dude I was telling him like I had this like almost like mystical experience having sex after like no porn for weeks holding it in I'm having I'm like it almost got I got so carried away I almost ordered up the third I was on the verge of sending of just CP in last night.

Speaker 1 What is that? What is CP? Cream pie. Creating another kid.
I have two kids.

Speaker 1 Last night was so charged. I was like...
Color people. Fuck it, dude.
I don't want to get

Speaker 1 it. Yeah, sorry.
I was using a lot of slang.

Speaker 1 I was using a lot of streets. You're considering a pie.
I was like,

Speaker 1 and I know, you know, now it's been so long, she's ovulating. If she's putting paws on me, I'm like, okay, you're ovulating.
Wow.

Speaker 1 I was in the windowsill and you were going.

Speaker 1 I was about to. I didn't.
I was going to pie. You said I'm going to pie.
I was like, I'm about to pie. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, my bad.

Speaker 1 I thought we were on the same wavelength here. But I real had, like, it was, I mean, it's embarrassing to talk about.
I had a genuinely

Speaker 1 pretty profound experience. It needed me there to pull your hips.
I needed you there to pull me out.

Speaker 1 I was so resolute. I was like, no fucking way.
And last night, I just, all I did was go off the porn for two weeks. I was like, it has to be done.

Speaker 1 She's like, what the fuck? What are you doing? I was like, oh, sorry about that. It must be done.

Speaker 1 So I got a little too horny off the porn, but

Speaker 1 it's been validated.

Speaker 1 3.14.

Speaker 1 It was time. 2737

Speaker 1 repeating.

Speaker 1 It was fucking time, bro. It was pie squared.

Speaker 1 But yeah, that was making, it was actually, it was just like a cool realization of like, yeah, you see what porn does in a relationship and you're like, it is not good.

Speaker 1 And you're going to remember this when you're back on? I hope. I mean, look, I don't get, that's the thing.
I don't beat myself up, dude. If I fucking fall, don't be yourself.

Speaker 1 If I fall, I'm not. Try to arrive.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm trying to take the shame component out. Because the NOFAB thing was crazy.
I'm like, dude, it's crazy to be like, I'm just never going to come ever again.

Speaker 1 But then, you know, to be like, yeah, just fucking jerk off the porn. I'm like, it's equally as weird because it's just not good for you.
You just see fake ladies and come all the time.

Speaker 1 It's not good for you. You shouldn't be seeing wild ladies.
Yeah. This isn't even like a normal.

Speaker 1 Exactly what I'm saying. So, you know,

Speaker 1 I'm not coming from like a moral, like, you're wrong if you do that. I'm strategy.
I'm all about optimization. Like, what's optimal? Last time I tried it, it was a month.
It started.

Speaker 1 It was in Edinburgh. I started in Ireland.
And it was one night some old skank was like, I was like, nah. But then I was like, should have.

Speaker 1 Because, like, three days later, I'm like, I'm not beating off, no porn, no nothing. And then, like, two weeks later, I was like, just open to meeting people.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you were like, you want to hang out with her? I was like, yes, I do. Let's hang out.
I'd like to. I'd love to talk to you.
Let's go out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 are you got the new special coming out. You were just in the Blockbuster Nasferatu.
What else? What's next?

Speaker 1 Those Ferratu sucks. He was Nasferatu? Yeah, he was Nasferatu.
I was Nasferato, yeah.

Speaker 1 What's next for Artie?

Speaker 1 I thought the movie was about Africa when I heard the title of it. It's for our guests.
Yeah, I thought it was like, I was like, oh, cool.

Speaker 1 I thought it was something like Lion King. I swear to God, am I being silly? I thought it was a Lion King spin-off.
I was like, see what Nasferatu is? I thought it was like Mufasa's shock.

Speaker 1 It was a lot about gay fucking. You gotta be like, what the hell? It was gay sexy.
It was a lot about gay innuendo gay fucking. Oh, damn.

Speaker 1 I was crazy to see that. Remember that Salt Lake City documentary about that guy who

Speaker 1 stole that kid and fucked her? And then the parents are like, hey, where's our kid? Yes.

Speaker 1 And then he fucked the motherfucker.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Yeah. And then later the dad was like, he brought me in the car.
I don't want to. His dad jacked him off, too.
You told me about that. Where he just fucked the whole family.

Speaker 1 He fucked the entire family. The guy ruled.
And then kidnapped the daughter or something.

Speaker 1 Was that the same one where he was like, I'm an alien? yeah i think so put her in the back of an rv with like a walkie talkie and was like this is from outer space you have to have sex

Speaker 1 that is utah is a good place to run that you can trick the yeah they're pretty alien up i think yeah but that's who no surato is pretty much he's everybody what making them all jealous horny fucking vampire yeah not everywhere else was horny and then it was all about like love triangle and like here's here's a question if you were a vampire immortal Unless obviously somebody put a stake through your heart.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Would you have gay sex after like 700 years? Yeah, that's like prison.
Right? You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not like prison because in prison, you only have the option of gay sex.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you've, you know. You justified that quick, bro.

Speaker 1 It's prison. You're in a prison of eternity.
You're in a prison. Yeah, you're in a prison of eternity.
I know you get bored and you're like, none of this matters. There's no guy.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to heaven. True.
That part's out. Yeah, but also you're a vampire.
You're very gay. Yeah, that's the other thing, too.
You've got to dress gay.

Speaker 1 You have to at least be bi as a vampire.

Speaker 1 It's kind of weird for a vampire to be like, no, dude, I'm totally fucking vampire dude no names of the national title

Speaker 1 i can't wait to see what they do

Speaker 1 you just get a buzz at the tailgate from people

Speaker 1 next

Speaker 1 yeah i wonder about that if you were like that old because if nasferatu was really just fucking sticking to the whole village i wonder what you would do

Speaker 1 you'd give it up yeah true And then if you were like a villager, you'd be like, I want to fuck Nosferatu. How come he doesn't give a village? He's fucked up.

Speaker 1 What if you're immortal and you're like, dude, I just want to die so bad. And then eventually you bot him out and you're like, you stick around for like 2,000 more years.

Speaker 1 Just getting fucked in the butt. Just get like a job.
That'd be pretty tight. Yeah, yeah.
Does he, he just appears in people's rooms at night or something? No, they have to go find him.

Speaker 1 He appeared in this one chick, spoiler. He cheered this one chick's dreams and like fucked her when she probably was like 11 or something, but like adult back then.
Romania adult. Probably 13.

Speaker 1 In the movie?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then then like disappeared, but pretty much just sub-text going, wait for me. I'll test you.
She goes, I will. And then 30 years, she's gone.
She's like, well, I found another guy.

Speaker 1 And he was like, nah, that's not cool. And then calls for that other guy.
And fucks the guy. Fucks him, bleeds him.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Sick. Well, a little fucky sucky.
Little fucking suck.

Speaker 1 And then just so he could tell the ladies, like, oh, your husband. He's not.
That would turn a chick on, though, if you're like, yeah, I fucked that guy. I fucked your husband and killed him.

Speaker 1 I fucked your husband.

Speaker 1 didn't kill him send him back as like a bitch as like a as like a punk that's what they can say in prison right nate

Speaker 1 is a punk you see nasferaki

Speaker 1 is that the term punk yeah it's a punk yeah it's a punk little punk yeah i ain't no punk i'm a you a new fool get a punk in jail do you ever i watched a documentary about it was like basically prison sex and they were saying how that's like a big status in jail yeah

Speaker 1 My brother said it to me. It was the funniest.
It was all about getting boys.

Speaker 1 If you're in jail, if you had like five boys, it was like a sign of status. You just get like punks basically underneath you.

Speaker 1 You could loan them out for money, or like a lot of these dudes would fall in love with like their top punk. Wow.
Jesus Christ. It was fucked dude.
It was, there was one part.

Speaker 1 I don't want to ruin the vibe. You love it.

Speaker 1 I don't want to ruin the vibe, but like you're watching this guy, and he's just like, yeah, man, this is what I came here. And I just, I'm just this guy's bitch.
And like, we fell in love.

Speaker 1 And they had this whole quarry. Then you find out it is,

Speaker 1 they go interview his father of the kid who's a punk in jail. And they're like telling the dad what's going on.
He's like,

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just, man, I really just hope he gets out of there and straightens out his life. And then apparently, what happened was the guy was on drugs and just like ran a kid over.

Speaker 1 So he's just like, Yeah, I'm just gonna stay high and stay in jail forever and just be a punk. I was like, Damn, that's right.
A kid ever felt bad about it, like the machinist? The what? He felt bad.

Speaker 1 He was like, I'd rather be in the he's like, as soon as I get sober, I like just think about my life, and it's literally that unbearable. And I just have to be high, but it's fucked up.

Speaker 1 They went to his dad and like, yo, your son's like someone's boyfriend in fucking jail. And he's like, Yeah, that's

Speaker 1 fuck fuck god man i just want him to straighten his life out it was so sad that's so sad yeah chief status sir true he's doing well he was kind of a top boy he was a top boy though he was like procuring other boys and oh he's just lane just ain't yeah yeah he was he was he was just lane

Speaker 1 damn that's what they call his butt

Speaker 1 the ghiz lane

Speaker 1 you know spr.org no

Speaker 1 it's a it's supposed to be for like understanding and stuff but it's spr a stoppronrape.org What? And it was just like survivor's tales and stuff.

Speaker 1 You're not supposed to laugh for months at a time at it, but yeah. It's like poems and stuff.
What?

Speaker 1 There's a poem about the number seven, the seventh guy to gang rape him, and he goes, That's when I fell in love because he was nice. Oh, my God.
He whispered. He whispered.

Speaker 1 This will be over soon. And he goes, oh, this guy cares.
Holy shit. Yeah, it's really crazy, man.
They get in there and they go full girlfriend mode.

Speaker 1 And it's like, and dudes are just like kind of pumped to be a girlfriend. Which

Speaker 1 it sucks that that's what it is and it's not shot caller.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? The movie Shot Caller, the guy gets a DUI and becomes the head of the Nazis.

Speaker 1 That's everybody's dream. Every white man's dream is one day I'll get a DUI and become the head Nazi in a prison.
Yeah, because you have to.

Speaker 1 But in reality, you're going to get a DUI and just be a punk.

Speaker 1 You don't have to be a punk. That's the thing.
You don't have to? No, you don't have to be a punk.

Speaker 1 What if you're good looking like that? If you're looking good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you're looking good, you better be able to fight. I've been punked.
No way. You think you're what's the nod? You? No, just definitely not you.
Oh. You think guys would fuck you? I hope not.

Speaker 1 I hope not, Shane. I'm not looking for it.
But you said you'd be punked. You'd be a punk.
I feel like I would. Of the three of us? No, you first.
You're the huge. I would be punked.

Speaker 1 You're the most handsome. How would you avoid it? I would just go mad.
I'd go white boy crazy. I'd rather not.
Yeah, I would just go absolutely white boy crazy. Oh, you'd be fucked up.

Speaker 1 Like Klinger from Max.

Speaker 1 You'd get fucked. I know.
Well, you bald yourself. You get the special diet, though.

Speaker 1 That's like a special diet you can get in jail. It's highly coveted.
What? The Jewish meal plan. The kosher.
Yeah, you can do the kosher.

Speaker 1 You you can do the Muslim, so you actually get a pretty coveted meal plan. So, you might be able to trade that, yeah.
Who wants kefilta fish for protection?

Speaker 1 Yeah, what does happen to the Jews in there that you just have to join the Aryan Brotherhood? No, they don't want them, and the blacks don't want them.

Speaker 1 You're technically others, but I think a lot of Jews probably join up with white people, and they have to kind of keep it like I had a uh, remember those Amazing Races videos, so a white power website found it-the whitewhite revolution.com, and so they loved it, but also they didn't love this.

Speaker 1 So the headline was, Jew boys got the right idea.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's funny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a nice, yeah, it's a nice title. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jew man would have been nice, but Jew man.

Speaker 1 Like, come on, some respect. Didn't have to diminish you.
Put some respect on her name.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's that's a cool. That's funny to like wake up in the mornings, read like the white revolution.

Speaker 1 Wake up. Oh, nice.
Some publicity.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Hail motherfucker.

Speaker 1 What's Stormfront? Stormfront. What's Stormfront? Isn't that

Speaker 1 the white nationalist?

Speaker 1 Is it really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's their publication?

Speaker 1 I think so. This is it.
What else we got going on?

Speaker 1 Nothing much. I was just in fucking rapture last night.
It was kind of nice. Sexual rapture.
Yeah, dude, I haven't felt like that, man. That was crazy.
Wow.

Speaker 1 You have like a genuinely, like, I've never had a powerful, like a spiritually powerful.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then the pie.

Speaker 1 almost, almost pie, near pie. Did you leap, put the last part in just for like a little, you know, a little like leftover touch?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, you're talking about like and then just kind of going back in, yeah. No,

Speaker 1 I would have. I was a dude, I was a rabid dog.

Speaker 1 I had full, I had full like iguana eyes, just like,

Speaker 1 dude, I didn't realize, I didn't know what I was setting myself up into, man. You don't know really who you are until you've

Speaker 1 held it in like that. Then you all of a sudden, you're just, it's, it it was crazy.
You know how conflicted I was?

Speaker 1 How long did you hold it in? It was only only like 10 days. That's a reasonable man.
That's a long time. That's what I'm saying.
It was, it was reasonable, and it was, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was just taking some maca, so I've been waking up. Oh, yeah, you've been getting

Speaker 1 root, dude. If you take performance enhancing, the what? You've been performance enhancing.
Yeah, a little bit. A little bit.
If you take maca root, it's dude, it's crazy. You wake up just like

Speaker 1 steel beam. What? Can we sign right now? We can get away.
I get hard there. I'll get hard hard right now.
Let's get it.

Speaker 1 Just change the arc of this podcast. Yeah, that'd be pretty tight.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 These guys are battling. You've got boners.

Speaker 1 You've got a special.

Speaker 1 I'm playing hell at Liz.

Speaker 1 I got a new hat. That's fine.

Speaker 1 Pretty much.

Speaker 1 But don't you think they should have ops?

Speaker 1 These guys, yeah. I think there should be some conflict.
What's ops? What's the ops? Opposition. The opposition.
They should be battling the other,

Speaker 1 their contemporaries. Yeah, why don't you you guys race to two points?

Speaker 2 It's going to get rough out here if we do that. It'll be a bloodbath.
There'll be no peace in the streets.

Speaker 1 We can't have that. What would you battle it? The Gardini guarantee.

Speaker 3 That's my other new thing. The Gardini guarantee.

Speaker 1 Like, what have you applied that to?

Speaker 3 Like, if we get ops, we're going to have to kill them all.

Speaker 1 That's a Gardini guarantee.

Speaker 3 That's a Gardini guarantee. Even though I'm Zendini,

Speaker 3 I will resort to violence if they're trying to take me off the righteous path. I will have to resort to violence, but otherwise, I am Zendini.

Speaker 1 And that's the Gardini guarantee. Yeah.
Who do you think you match up with in the squad, the Kill Tony squad versus you guys? Maybe like Aaron McCall. It's got to be Aaron Bilal.

Speaker 1 Bilal's the man, dude. He might fuck you up.
He's cool. He ain't got to do shit to you.
I think I could take Ari Maddie versus James McCann.

Speaker 1 We got to battle our foreigners. You could battle.
Yeah, the foreigners. Nate versus Hans Kim.

Speaker 1 Who's Cam Patterson?

Speaker 1 Cam. I mean, I guess Le Maire.
Yeah. Yeah, Cam.

Speaker 3 Le Maire's going to have to take a couple because we're outnumbered.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, finish off Belisal fast.
Yeah. And then go help somebody else.
And there's in the four of them.

Speaker 1 I mean, LeMaire's getting winded fast.

Speaker 3 No, he's the juggernaut.

Speaker 1 He could take out like four of them.

Speaker 1 Just run at them with his hands up. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's the Gardini guarantee.

Speaker 1 It's a good guarantee. That's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about. What the hell?

Speaker 1 I had a subject to talk about. I was hoping you had a subject.
I kind of had a subject. All I got is hell let loose.
You're subject master.

Speaker 1 i yeah well i did want to talk to you about the penn state coach

Speaker 1 what the hell what was that about i don't know did he say something about the guy's hairline or something yeah he was he was hitting him with like you're not in a comment you're a young guy he's like i'm an old guy i've been around what you've done is pretty impressive so far good job son did he beat him i bet he beat him yeah was he negative though like what was he what was he saying about the coach the coach has a straight he was just saying oh i wish i had hair like that he's like how old are you man god damn so nice you're so young that's pretty funny it's just kind of like kind of a nice psych out.

Speaker 1 I think he might have been trying to get in his head. That's a nice psych out.
Yeah, it's kind of nice. That's how he feels that.
I don't belong. I don't belong.

Speaker 1 I lost to Northern Illinois University. Matt, have we discussed that clip? What? You called it.
What? When Notre Dame lost to Northern Illinois, I was like, they're going to fucking come back.

Speaker 1 They're going to get it. Fucking shit's over.
Yeah, you called me a girl. Got to burn it down.
I said, this is a girlfriend opinion, but I also did say I agree with it. Yeah, true, true.

Speaker 1 I was like, right now you're giving me a girlfriend. Because after the loss, I was like, this is like a season, this is like a five-year loss.
This is going to cost us.

Speaker 1 It's not just you lost to Clemson. Yeah.
I thought it was like the program's fucked for five years. If not for the 12th team playoff.
And then Matt was like. It's a galvanizing moment.

Speaker 1 Matt was like, or they could come together

Speaker 1 in unity with this lope, this shared depression and rise out of it and go undefeated. That's what he said.
I was like, Matt, I love you, but that's a girlfriend opinion.

Speaker 1 And then I said, also, deep down inside, yes, I 100% believe that that is what is going to happen.

Speaker 1 You see him at the press conference out there at Penn State. He was saying that about

Speaker 1 the UA or whatever. And he goes, literally, exactly what was they fought.
They came together. And then he panned over to them, to like the stars.
And he goes, they can answer this one.

Speaker 1 And it's just two children just going, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we turn best. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's Riley Land. That's the quarterback.
He's a funny Christian boy. Really? A young boy, just having fun for the Lord.
That's awesome. That's why they're winning, obviously.

Speaker 1 They're not masturbating. They're not watching porn.
They're not having sex. I don't think they are.
I don't want to comment on the boys

Speaker 1 jacket off

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Speaker 3 Hello, everybody.

Speaker 3 I'll be in St. Petersburg, Florida on February 13th and 14th at Coastal Creative in Las Vegas, Nevada, at Wise Guys Comedy Club at February 28th and March 1st.
Please come to that if you can.

Speaker 3 SeanGardini.com. It'll be a good show, and that's the Gardinians.

Speaker 1 Sean, it's too long. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And Optimum Noctis first Tuesday of every month at Creek in the Cave with me, Nathan Marshall.

Speaker 2 And Lamellie.

Speaker 1 Guys, I'll be at the Funnybone Liberty Township, Ohio,

Speaker 1 January 24th, Dania Beach, Florida, February 6th, Columbus, Ohio, Royal Oaks, Michigan, Omaha, Nebraska. Please just go to mattmcusker.com for tickets.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 1 March 20th, I'll be in Manchester in the UK. I was supposed to only do Dublin and London, but my

Speaker 1 greedy agents wanted me also to do another show. So I'm doing an arena in Manchester on a Thursday.

Speaker 1 Please come.

Speaker 1 It's going to be awesome. It is going to be fun.
But no, I'm trying to think of... Matt, what's going on, dude? Fired up.
You got anything weird? What are you reading?

Speaker 1 I know you're reading something. Right now, I'm doing a lot of research right now.
What are you researching?

Speaker 1 I've been reading a lot about...

Speaker 1 I've been reading arguments for tradition. I just stumbled upon this book.
It's called The Sword of Gnosis. And they just like...
Trad husband?

Speaker 1 Trad husband? Not Trad Husband. Oh, I mean, I'm sure they'd be down for Trad Husband.
I'm just reading an academic book about about like guys slamming Vatican II.

Speaker 1 And I think Mel Gibson was just fucking slamming Vatican III. Oh, really? Yeah, they were just talking about how it was like such a gigantic mistake for the priest to face the congregation.

Speaker 1 Renazisi's mom and dad told me that because they had Vatican III, they were like, people were upset. And they're like, we remember our parents going, that's not Christianity.
You don't face us.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. Wait, was Vatican II in like the 30s? Or when was that? That was in the 50s or 60s.
The 70s or 60s, I thought. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they just one day turned around and everyone's like, what the fuck? Yeah, all right. Yeah.
And the priest went,

Speaker 1 yeah, he went, I like you. Wow, that's all I got.
I didn't know what was going on in here. I know it's hard.
How hard are you?

Speaker 1 That was the big come up of Vatican II is just turn around. That was the big,

Speaker 1 it was Latin Mass. It was Latin mass, yeah.

Speaker 1 Change from Latin to English. The idea was you were watching a guy, the altar was supposed to be God.
So you were watching a guy commune with God in real time in Latin.

Speaker 1 When they just like switched it and made it person focused, where they're like, bro, you've lost the plot. Yeah.
Should be about God.

Speaker 1 now you're just fucking giving some lukewarm fucking speech true these dumb ass pep talk once a week they do get that should be nice yeah

Speaker 1 i never thought of it that way when's the last time you heard the homily uh it's been a while they're not great

Speaker 1 they're not great yeah i want to start ghostwriting i want to get a good homily that's a homily

Speaker 1 i'm open for the homily is just when the priest reads something then he breaks it down yeah he reads the this is basically the message for this week it's our torah yeah he reads the good part of the bible and then he uh the important part of the Bible.

Speaker 1 And then it'll be like the gibberish part.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 you should take from that. Your part.
We're talking about your part. Oh, the non-gibberish part.
The gibberish part. Why am I the gibberish? No, we like the New Testament.

Speaker 1 New Testament's way more streamlined. Yeah.
Streamlined, yeah. The Old Testament's crazy.
Don't you have like six guys saying the same shit in different words? No.

Speaker 1 Mark and Tony and Bobby and whatever.

Speaker 1 Maggie, Mark, Luke, and John, dude. Don't fucking disrespect the boys.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what the fucking Torah. What do you guys do?

Speaker 1 What do we do? I don't even know what you guys do. Pray? And then

Speaker 1 it's the same thing. It's like Jewish Star Wars.
Isn't it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, just like them, like battles and fucking deserts and shit. It's like the past is this week.
They were battling a desert.

Speaker 1 What can we learn from that? It's that, hey, if you have sand up your ass, maybe you should also wipe or whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, whatever the message is. It is kind of sick, though, to be like, this is just our story.
Meet every Sunday. Like, remember we got that big ass fucking fight with the Egyptians?

Speaker 1 That was so fucking tough. Seriously, that's what me and my friends do.

Speaker 1 Go to a bar once a week and go, dude, senior year, we could have beat Lancaster Catholic. That battle with Lancaster Catholic.

Speaker 1 Huh? What else is going on? That's pretty much all we did, too. That was pretty much it.
I've been reading that.

Speaker 1 I told you about the Chesterton book. You didn't seem to like Chesterton.
I did that. I did not like it.
He came around. Yeah.
Came around.

Speaker 1 I don't like silly guys.

Speaker 1 Silly men. Yeah, he is pretty silly, but I think it was needed.
He was like a British gentleman. Yeah, the time period was good to hit the silly man.
Yeah, coffee some silly man. You're a silly man.

Speaker 1 You're a good fop. Yeah.
Somebody with like tassels here, frills.

Speaker 1 Just does stuff right. Yeah, I'm a silly man.
Dude,

Speaker 1 the half face shave, that was fucking silly as hell. That was a silly man.
I ruled. That was really silly, man.
That was disorienting me. I would see clips and I would get like,

Speaker 1 what the fuck's going on? It did something to my brain. It made no sense.
It did. It just wasn't right socially.
It was not right. Pissed off a lot of people.
Angry people people pissed off.

Speaker 1 Nice people it made happy.

Speaker 1 But it was tough to talk to you.

Speaker 1 As long as I could talk sideways to you. The best at the cellar, we'd all be talking, and someone would be over there, and it'd be like five minutes of Maddie Wiener.

Speaker 1 And then you're like this. What the fuck, man? What?

Speaker 1 No, it was just where I'm trying to have like a real conversation with you.

Speaker 1 You just got a half-life. Yeah, you're just being silly.
It was disorienting. It was.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, speaking of having cool people be happy and, you know, not cool people be mean, I did the Slutty Garfield thing on patreon how did that go

Speaker 1 a lot of angry people got mad a lot of angry customers

Speaker 1 wait they didn't like slutty garfield on patreon some people didn't which made me laugh more honestly yeah i mean it's very funny

Speaker 1 so it was a it was a mystery a secret artist just like sent me this thing he's like i made it i don't know what to do with it just like and i was like dude please let me put this on my patreon it's about garfield

Speaker 1 uh it's about garfield becoming a street walking prostitute street walking trans prostitute And then John's just trying to find him and save Garfield from the underworld. Save her.
Miss Lasagna.

Speaker 1 What's Odie doing? His name was British. Odi's in the mix as well.

Speaker 1 Odi's a street dog. I'm a mix of the mother.
Miss Lasagna. I'm miss lasagna.
What is Odie doing? Odie's a bit of a Odie's in the underworld. Oh, really? Drugs or what?

Speaker 1 I can't spoil. I've seen a lot of the stories arc.
It's so fun. It's just funny.
You can spoil it. I can't spoil it, dude.
It's so funny.

Speaker 1 It's so funny to one day, all I kept thinking about is a guy waking up and just being like, oh, sweet.

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 Garfield.

Speaker 1 Guys, trying to fuck Garfield.

Speaker 1 It is funny. You're exactly right.

Speaker 1 You're exactly right. It's so funny.
John's got to find him in a room like Taken when he finds his daughter. Yeah, this is good stuff.

Speaker 1 And just to have people be like, yeah, for real, dude, this isn't it.

Speaker 1 This isn't it.

Speaker 1 Fuck you.

Speaker 1 It's so fucking funny. It keeps making, I just got, I talked to the dude who did it.
He's like, I'm going to fire up three more right away.

Speaker 1 Nice. Nice.
He should just keep making them the exact same story, just with different cartoon characters.

Speaker 1 Sweet. Heathcliff.

Speaker 1 Well, it's actually really well done. Like, it's like, it just looks like a professional.
Yeah, you showed me the drawing. It's crazy.
It's very good. It's unbelievable how good it is.

Speaker 1 And then it's just about Carfield

Speaker 1 selling pussy and John being sexually bothered on the streets as he tries to get

Speaker 1 find out what's happening. It's so funny, just people trying to force John to do gay stuff

Speaker 1 to find his

Speaker 1 lost cat.

Speaker 1 Every time he brings it up, people are like, I fucked that bitch last week.

Speaker 1 She sucked my dick down off Kole Fax. What mutant made this? Who's doing this?

Speaker 1 He can't reveal his identity. Oh, he's got a hidden identity? Yeah, he's a secret artist.
He might be. I just, our paths just crossed.
And he honestly, the dude makes me laugh so fucking.

Speaker 1 I talk to him all the time. He's so funny.
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If you're loyal to the white can, cool. Just know you've got options.

Speaker 1 Visit monsterenergy.com to learn more. I will visit monsterenergy.com to learn more.

Speaker 1 I might do like a drug zing style interview where I interview him and it's just his face is blurry. He's like, I just thought it was going to be funny.

Speaker 1 Garfield and Trans. You got to fuck a lot.

Speaker 1 Trans Garfield.

Speaker 1 I love violence.

Speaker 1 Feed off. Yeah, that's been my whole weekend.
Oh, dude. So I went to ATL, the Helium ATL.
It actually is in Alpharetta. It's 45 minutes, or it's like about 38 minutes outside of Atlanta.

Speaker 1 It's nice, though. That's where you get the honkies.
Oh, yeah. You want to sell some tickets? There was a lot of honkies.
I had 45 minutes outside of Atlanta in any direction.

Speaker 1 I did get to spend a little bit of time in Atlanta, and I thought I would have seen more gay black guys. Oh.
Because I think that is the mecca. And I'm being honest.

Speaker 1 I was ready to be like, all right, let's go. I want to see like, you you know, you know, like the Mormons, when you're in Utah, you're like, let me

Speaker 1 exactly.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, let's go. I just, I thought I was just going to get, you know, some gay black attitude.
Just a little treat. Gay black attitude would be a nice treat.
Just a little treat.

Speaker 1 Just a little sass. Yeah.
Exactly. Aggressive sass.
A little spice.

Speaker 1 But I, dude, I go down there, so they send me out the fucking cracker ass alpharetta. So I didn't see any gay black guys.
So I was kind of like. Oh, fuck.
Yeah. You didn't get to see anything.
I know.

Speaker 1 Because I was going to say, if you were in Atlanta, you'd see them. I know.
That's right. It's a little sassy.
I know. Thank God I had my black wife with me.
I'm actually nice.

Speaker 1 Just for some reserved sass, but Atlanta's, it's very nice. I have to fucking

Speaker 1 see. But yeah, dude, I go down there.
You know, I was joking about always assuming my wife is faking it when she has any ailment.

Speaker 1 I just assume I'm like, if she has any ailment, there's for some reason there's part of my brain that's like,

Speaker 1 yeah, right. Sure, you do.
Sure, you do. Literally.
So then we're down. We get there.
First night we're there. She's like, she's been saying it for two days.
She's like, I don't really feel that well.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, dude, it's just the fucking whatever. It's just because you're on a trip with me.

Speaker 1 And You're ruining it.

Speaker 1 It's because I have to work this weekend. I had the kids, everything.
So I'm sitting there, and all of a sudden, I'm like, she's like, coughing, I don't feel well.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, dude, just, you need, I always tell her, you just need to drink some water, dude. Drinks dehydrated, drink some fucking water.
Fuck it off. Dude, she hits me.

Speaker 1 I Uber or whatever, DoorDash the thermometer. She's like 102 or 101.

Speaker 1 106. Shit.
106 in Park.

Speaker 1 She's 102 when a black person has a fever.

Speaker 1 I have a fever of 106 in Park. 106 and park dangerous.
That'd be so dangerous.

Speaker 1 But dude, she had a fucking, she had the flu. Does she ever hit you back with

Speaker 1 you need to drink water? Yes. Yeah, I mean, I'm in that deadlock right now every day.

Speaker 1 Have you drank enough water? It's like, all I do is drink water. Yeah, I chug water.
Don't talk to me about drinking water. I'm, I'm more so pushing the water agenda, but she has hit me with it.

Speaker 1 Like, you haven't drank a lot of water.

Speaker 1 Yes, I have. I'm a fucking water cooler in my office.
You don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm not sure you.
You don't watch my wife. It is offensive when someone's like, do you drink any water?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, of course I do.
What What do I smell? Why the fuck are you saying that? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I know, Bob. I got to stop dogging on her over water intake, but it's, dude, it's crazy.
Nah, get in there. I was peeping, dude.
She had a fever, and I'm like,

Speaker 1 I gave her this big water bottle. I came in the next day, and I was like, dude, they don't drink water.
They're crazy.

Speaker 1 They're literally cats. That was her fucking, that was like her hamster bottle.
And I'm like, peeping the level. I'm like, dude, it went down that much.
Yeah, you had a sip of water.

Speaker 1 Drink some fucking water. I'm sorry.
I'm like, so then. Take my sister.
She has to put those fucking like

Speaker 1 flavor packs in it. It's like, just drink the fucking water.
Drink the fucking water.

Speaker 1 Everything has to be soda. They won't do it.
It's crazy. I get plenty of water in my soda and beer and coffee.

Speaker 1 They would hit you with the every woman hits you with the fucking, I didn't get a good night's sleep.

Speaker 1 I was with you. I saw you.
Oh, dude. 14 hours.
I have actually. I have that.

Speaker 1 I have data on that. They don't get good sleep.
Well, I know. So when I got the aura ring, I don't have it right now, but I was wearing this aura ring.
It was like tracking my sleep, all this stuff.

Speaker 1 Finally talked my wife into getting one. We went to bed at the exact same time.
We both wore them. I woke up.
It was like eight hours of sleep. I woke up.
I'm like, dude, my readiness score is 93.

Speaker 1 This is awesome. What's yours? Fucking 55.
You can toss and turn it. She is when they get their periods, their body temperature rises.
And I was peeping her readiness score.

Speaker 1 And it was like, dude, it was 55 would be like if I had like five beers and stayed up till three in the morning. And we got eight hours of sleep.
That's taking it ease.

Speaker 1 That's a fucking, that's 95 readiness for me.

Speaker 1 God damn, I was good. Ready to cease to death.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I woke up next to her and I was was like, what the fuck happened? She's like, I told you, I don't feel well when I'm a period. I was like, I'm not sleeping.
Damn, dude, you're fucked.

Speaker 1 Think of those floppy tits. I got the data, dude.
There's like, wow, you roll up. Like, I can't sleep on this.
It fucking sucks to be a chick. It dude.
It does suck to be a chick. Bro, I didn't know.

Speaker 1 It's like a whole week leading up to it. Yeah, they get the flu every week.
Yeah. But, dude, so she had her fucking month party.
She rode off a week of period into flu. Yeah.
So it was period to flu.

Speaker 1 Then I'm doing shows. So like

Speaker 1 Thursday, we get the diagnosis. I'm like, damn, you're fucked.
They hate show weekends anyway. They true.
They hate show weekends. I think her body just rejected it, dude.
Their bodies reject shows.

Speaker 1 Every single lady rejects the show.

Speaker 1 Why do I got to do the thing I love doing and I do for money? Yeah. And you knew was coming on the schedule for three months straight.
You knew it's coming. Why do I do it?

Speaker 1 You come out every year. Oh, why are you doing it? And then there's no show weekends.
Like, what do you want to do? Let's just watch. Let's just watch some shows.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's watch. You need to be home for that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, dude, I was nervous.

Speaker 1 What I'm trying to tell you right now is that I had all weekend. I'm not trying to say like I'm a hero or whatever, but it was babe had a fever.

Speaker 1 I had to do all the stuff during the day for the most part. Obviously, we brought a babysitter with us, so I had to show a little bit.
But this is a heroic. I had to make breakfast, dude.

Speaker 1 So, dude, I was like getting up, and it was like, I would lay next to her. What was crazy because I was laying next to her all night.
And it's like, you know, if I get the flu, I was like, fuck.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. So it would just be like coughing.
And I just lay there, just being like, we'll see what fucking happens.

Speaker 1 Powered through the whole weekend. It was pretty, there's a lot, dude.
And then they fucking canceled two shows over the snow.

Speaker 1 It snowed an inch and a half in Georgia, which, to be fair, at first I was kind of salty because I was just like, dude, this is not that bad. But they didn't really ice, they didn't assault the roads.

Speaker 1 And it's like you're releasing it. I think it was like 350 of the clubs.

Speaker 1 You'd be releasing like, let's say, at least 500 drunk drivers that night into the ice yeah so i was kind of like yeah that's fair

Speaker 1 that's fair but when people were like oh my cusser fucking canceled cause a little snow i was like fuck that i don't care dude i don't care what people say how long did that take 30 seconds yeah grabbed my phone i was like for the record the club cancel

Speaker 1 i felt like such a dumbass i was like damn it i showed my hand it was instantly people like you fair weather mccusker

Speaker 1 mccusker oh i gotta go in now you got me i did san antonio and dallas and i like to come out to Dire Straits, Money for Nothing. Nice.
Nice. Usually hits.
When it doesn't hit, I felt like a real turd.

Speaker 1 I was expecting a very ruckus applause. Yeah.
Kind of mediocre.

Speaker 1 I just walked out. I was like, hey, guys.
That was pretty intense, huh? Who is that guitarist, Shane?

Speaker 1 That's pretty sick. It's nice.
That guy is one of the ugliest rock stars in the world. I've never seen him.
He just hit before MTV. The lead singer of Dire Straits.

Speaker 1 The guy from Genesis. They were both like couldn't have existed once MTV came around.

Speaker 1 Who from Genesis? The main guy, not the one who left, but the one who stayed.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, it wasn't, whatchamacallit?

Speaker 1 Collins.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Phil Collins. You think Phil Collins is ugly? He was in an interview once.
He goes, I can never make it now.

Speaker 1 Did they see my face?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm musically gifted. I don't know how to comb my hair.

Speaker 1 Diastrates is some ugly ass.

Speaker 1 Ugly, bro.

Speaker 1 Wow, wow.

Speaker 1 Diastrates Diastric.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Well, let me see.
I know. They're not the worst crew.

Speaker 1 I can see why someone. Women sucks.
That guy sucks. I can see why someone Walmart as a rock star.
I can see why someone in school called him that.

Speaker 1 What's his name? D. Snyder was the bro, though.
He was an ugly ass bull.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Ugly rock star is a sick life.
Because also making up for lost time. Yeah.
This is what I should have done in high school. True, yeah.
And then some.

Speaker 1 Twisted sister looks like fucking Ian Fidance.

Speaker 1 Really? It kind of is giving me Ian Fidance vibes. What do you, what do you are you just going through just like having rocks?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 This guy seems like one of the uglier.

Speaker 1 D Snyder? That's why they have the big hair to cover it up. Are you talking about the blonde dude? Yeah.

Speaker 1 D Snyder is a name that I've always heard of, but I'm like, I don't know where I'm supposed to know him from. I think Twisted Sister.
I know the fuck is Twisted Sister.

Speaker 1 That's his six second biggest hit.

Speaker 1 We're not going to take it. Yeah, you're not.
What's her second biggest hit? And then it's

Speaker 1 every

Speaker 1 rose. Every rose.
Why would you look for it?

Speaker 1 No, what is the? I don't know any. I don't know a lot of hair.
I want to rock. Rock.

Speaker 1 Okay, there you go. That's a good one.
The kids are back.

Speaker 1 Nobody knows that one. Yeah, you do.
It was in, I think it was in Jackass. Sing it all the way through.

Speaker 1 Twisted Sister Rules. No one knows this yet.

Speaker 1 This is in Jackass. This is good.
I think I know the cold. Yeah, they're afraid.

Speaker 1 I know it.

Speaker 1 I know it now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That never caught on with me, that like genre of music. It sucks.
I know it got me for a little bit. Punk.
Yeah, punk in general.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I never, I was, uh, I was, I wouldn't say me and my uncle had an argument, but me and my uncle were skateboarding the other day. Dude, it's crazy, too.
He's like 52, just still ripping it.

Speaker 1 It's ripping it pretty hard. But I was telling him, they had a speaker, and I was like, people are blasting music.
And I was like, dude, 90s.

Speaker 1 Early 2000s were, I think, the golden era of skateboarding music. And he was just quiet.

Speaker 1 He's like, got got quiet for a little bit, and then after we're done, he's like, Yeah, I don't know about that, man. It was definitely the 80s.

Speaker 1 Hit him hard. It had to be the 90s.
Hit him hard. Late 90s, early 2000s.
That's what I was saying, dude. It was a Tony Hawk era.
No, Tony Hawk was way before the 90s. No, no, but

Speaker 1 the video game when it went skating, like got huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what I was like, because I was, I was that when I'm like, when I go to the pump track, I'll hit the headphones and listen to, like, I just go there, skateboard, and listen to music I listened to when I was like 13.

Speaker 1 It's so fucking sick. What is it, like, Blink? What's the genre? What's that? 311.
I i was 311

Speaker 1 though that's from money money ballstones is that it's from

Speaker 1 here damn no real big fish yeah maybe sell outs real big fish real big fish they were great ballstones are nasty too i never thought that i could dump bona i saw them at whips and hole once

Speaker 1 yeah did you really yeah that's pretty cool i'm really i'm into i'm in that big brass sound right now i've been listening to uh blood sweat and tears do you ever fuck with them no oh brother what are they up to just that big brass sound just a lot of

Speaker 1 a lot of horns and shit. You got a skanker on stage.

Speaker 1 I'm getting some horns going, dude.

Speaker 1 That was legitimately a great act out of a musician. Musical instrument.
Oh, the mouth trumpet? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry. It was really good.
Nailed it. I can really nail it.
If I wanted to, I can nail it. Please.
You know, I get a little shy. Please.
Don't get shy, bro. I know you're showing.

Speaker 1 Wet your whistle. Lick it.

Speaker 1 Wow. The end was incredible.
So it had all the bone, yeah. Really pulled it.
That's a bold move. I've been kicking kicking myself on the drive.

Speaker 1 I'm like, dude, I could have trumpeted so much better on the floor.

Speaker 1 You need redemption at the national title. I know to kick the ball.
What do you think about heading down Atlantaway on a Monday to kick a field goal for the national title? I might have to.

Speaker 1 You tried when I missed? Yeah. It was close.

Speaker 1 How many yards? It was fucking

Speaker 1 pretty far, dude.

Speaker 1 It's probably like a 30-yard field goal. 30-yard.
Nobody's watching.

Speaker 1 Nobody's like trying to block. No.
Thousands of people, millions of people. It's on TV.
Nobody's blocking, though. No.

Speaker 1 If someone rushed me, I would have. It would have helped.
Yeah. Yeah, true.
I would have increased it. I would elevate a little bit.
30 yards. And I'm not trying to sound like a baby.

Speaker 1 I didn't really eat all day, too.

Speaker 1 Didn't really eat all day, and it was fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 It was a good boot. It was.

Speaker 1 Did you try one? No.

Speaker 1 Because you knew you wouldn't do it. Fucking

Speaker 1 falling down.

Speaker 1 You were thinking about like Charlie Brown yourself. The weirdest part was.

Speaker 1 Every week, College Game Day, they pick a college student to kick.

Speaker 1 And if the kid makes it, they give him like half half a million dollars or two hundred thousand dollars damn because the kids never make it really but the i matt went on and kicked it just kind of like it was a fun one and then the kid who kicked it tried as hard as he fell twice fell dude yeah it was slippery dude i would have i would have torn my acl doing that i saw a big dog do that on game day i heard him warming up he was warming up for it and fucking ripped his head and got hurt wow best part a couple brewskies it's slick you go i gotta kick this everyone's watching i dude it's i the weirdest part was i've never really really

Speaker 1 kicked the field goal before, so I had no con, I had no idea, like, yeah, if it was gonna go anywhere or like how it was gonna move. And I was like, so well, pleasantly surprised, yeah.

Speaker 1 It was the boots. The key was the snow boots.
You gotta bring the boots and the straight-on. I just did this.
That guy tried to do sides.

Speaker 1 Now, the kid who fell, like, did like a sudden, he like walked to the side. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Yeah, he was trying to kick it.

Speaker 1 He tried to really hoof it with the inside of his foot. That's when you can get your leg up to there, though.
Oh, chill. Yo, chill, bro.

Speaker 1 What the hell was that? Nazi pause.

Speaker 1 Yeah, man. You know, you can just elevate straight up.

Speaker 1 Although it is your leg, to be fair, you are accurate. Yes.
I should have just done that. Fuck.
You are accurate. Fuck.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Damn it. One of the best ones I saw was in Australia, Aussie football game.
And then halftime, they had this thing where you don't have to go up and do a fair catch, and then they try to hit you.

Speaker 1 And so they had a guy with a mattress hitting these people. Like, do a fair catch.
We're going to mattress fucking pummel you so you can go see if if you can do it. Yeah.
One guy missed.

Speaker 1 You know, they pummeled him. Another guy like catches it, falls over, and everybody's like, he got it.
And then the ball just rolls away and we're all like, he's out. You know, he got knocked.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Came down like that. And the ball just slowly.

Speaker 1 There was a third guy who was going to go. They're like, game's over.
Game's over.

Speaker 1 Fucked that guy up.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. I just saw a, I just saw a clip of the slap league.

Speaker 1 I got into the slap league algorithm this week. Did you? So did I.
Did you see the fucking dude who got knocked out in the last one? No, I thought they all got knocked out.

Speaker 1 It's fine.

Speaker 1 I actually watched a whole episode one time, and I didn't see a lot of people get knocked out.

Speaker 1 Maybe it was just the one I watched. I watched a clip of this dude getting knocked out on a slap and it's funny because it just cut to Dana White, who's just in a chair, like, oh.

Speaker 1 Every time it's Dana White, like, I can't believe that happened. Like, he wasn't guarding himself.
He was going to get slapped.

Speaker 1 It is just so sick to, like, you know, he's got a lot of stuff going on, and he makes just like, I guess, a couple hours every week week to go sit in a chair and just watch Meng get slapped in the face.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He created that.
Or I guess he bought it or whatever. I heard Tony and Maury and Maddie were down.
They were like, let's do a commentary. We're like, hey, we can make this funny and stuff.

Speaker 1 And Dane was like, it's not funny. It's not funny.
It's a serious thing. And I'm trying to get it like a real sport.

Speaker 1 They're like, it's a sick fucking sport. It looks like it reminds me of a medieval bar game.
Yeah. Just fucking, dude, it was.
And they talk shit to each other. It is disregarding.

Speaker 1 When the guy slaps a guy and he doesn't move, and he's like, oh, I'm going to fuck you up, bitch. He's about to slap you next.
Yeah, you're going, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 I'd quit so fast.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just be like, yeah, you know what?

Speaker 1 I actually quit.

Speaker 1 I'm going to drag that guy. You win forfeit.

Speaker 1 You already got the check. You're like, yeah, you know what, man? I don't need to.
What are we even doing here?

Speaker 1 What's the point of this? Just put out his hands. I'm going to shake you.
Dude, my bad on that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was disheartened today to see the

Speaker 1 Cameron Jim Jones beef. I didn't know they were beefing.
They've been beefing? They're beefing hard as hell, dude. Who damn? Cameron and Jim Jones.
You know, Dipset?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Dude, that.

Speaker 1 This guy out of control. Last night he met Joe Burrow and goes, Where did you go to school?

Speaker 1 LSU, you fool.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Yeah.
And now he doesn't even know the diplomats. Yeah, diplomats.
I thought that was like public knowledge. They know Diplo.

Speaker 1 Diplo? Yeah. He's cool.
He's not quite that.

Speaker 1 Where is that?

Speaker 1 They were just like a 2000s rap. Hey, Ma.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Purple Haze. Oh, yeah.
That was Cameron. Oh, right, right, right.

Speaker 1 Baby, baby. Oh.

Speaker 1 I do know that. Yeah.
Dude, the

Speaker 1 beef. Who Nat?

Speaker 1 Jim Jones was like part of. Oh, I listened to it today.
Cameron laid out the whole thing. Obviously, he didn't want to do this.
Did Jim Jones want to gave out his number? That was Mike Jones.

Speaker 1 Sorry, go ahead. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jim Jones was part of the diplomats, but apparently I didn't know they were beefing, but now it's like... Doesn't sound diplomatic at all.
Exactly. True.
What did Cameron keep calling him?

Speaker 1 Was it Jomo? Joe.

Speaker 1 Jomo. But he was like kind of like.
I was trying to call him Jomo. I guess that was like his nickname.
And they were saying it was like really a weird detail, but he was trying to like...

Speaker 1 They were just going back and forth. Like, I think Jim Jones, from what I believe, he was saying, like, I started that shit.
That was basically me.

Speaker 1 I think he was trying to paint himself as like I was more of like the underworld kind of like, I don't know, whatever.

Speaker 1 But he was painting himself as like, that was kind of me, like the brains behind it. And then Cameron today, it was pretty brutal.
It was just like, dude, you were just a fan of ours.

Speaker 1 And the only reason we talked is because you're apparently his grandmom died, or his mom died, or something.

Speaker 1 He was like, Yo, my grandmom died, free house. And then, like, they're like, Okay, dude, it's kind of weird.
You're like, invite us over your house.

Speaker 1 And then the camera was like, you know what, though, it was a free house. So I started bringing bitches over and just fucking them in Jim Jones's dead grandma's house.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. With that smell.
He was a king. He was a young.

Speaker 1 He was a young man. Sure, there's still a medical bed.

Speaker 1 You never fucked a bitch until you fuck her where she can go.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he was saying basically, like, you were just like a weirdo he tolerated. And then.
Oh, it's so mean. It was really brutal.
He was such a bummer to find out. Yeah, it was tough.

Speaker 1 Like, you were the one in the friend group that no one actually loved.

Speaker 1 I thought he was a wild card myself. I thought he was a wild card.
Maybe, maybe he still is. I don't know.

Speaker 1 But it was funny because apparently he was a beef from like 10 years ago that got resurrected. So it is sick to be, you know, you guys, look, it's never too, you're never too old to beef.

Speaker 1 just you're like like 50 years old trying to do your podcast and all of a sudden you someone starts beefing with you like that it's like bro can we please we already beefed about this so long ago and he just pretty much like devastated him pretty badly he's like i don't want to do this anymore and i was listening like jesus christ i'd be so mad it's tough to be hard at that age yeah dude yeah true you said it

Speaker 1 it's tough to get hard at that age oh

Speaker 1 sorry i missed it how are the boners how are the boners can we talk as guys right now? How are the boners going for all? I woke up rock hard this morning. I was

Speaker 1 in the morning when you don't need it. It's great.

Speaker 1 I try to do my best to use it.

Speaker 1 I could have boned my dog a lot. You got a bone around your dog? Dogs like cuddling sometimes.
I'm just like, fucking

Speaker 1 straight body heat. Try to move it away from him.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 he knows. He knows.
More massive than before.

Speaker 1 He loves it. It's a little more submissive that morning.
He's like, Dave, I'll fucking roll over.

Speaker 1 Damn, you're going to hit Rock Hard next. You better roll over.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you better fucking sit, dude. You felt your fucking dad's boner.
Sit.

Speaker 1 What kind of dog do you have? Just like this size. Yo, flashlight.

Speaker 1 Sweet little flashlight, that dog. Oh, yeah.
A little fleshy.

Speaker 1 What you were about to say, you think your dad ever had a boner while you were chilling with him? Do you think? He definitely. All of us, right? Definitely.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you ever talk to your dad in the morning? He had a boner. If you were in your dad's bed in the morning, your dad had a fucking boner.
Or at least a semi.

Speaker 1 yeah especially when you think about like they were 30 something they weren't even like old yeah oh yeah for sure exactly a young man yeah it just never really stopped man i remember i would get woken up in the morning for school and i had a boner and now it's like you're woken up in the morning it's like damn i got i've been trying to like hide my boner in the morning since i was like fucking 12.

Speaker 1 i have never i've not gotten a break yeah it sucks though because yeah you wake up in the morning you're like damn i'm this is the hardest i've ever been and then you walk to like the bathroom in the shower and you see you're fully erect on you god damn i thought this thing was bigger

Speaker 1 This thing felt so much bigger than it is. Dude, I literally had that last night.
Last night, I was like, Yo, I think I might have reached a new level.

Speaker 1 And I went to the bathroom and was like, Nep, same old, same old guy, same old guy. Like, wobbles while you walk.
Like, oh,

Speaker 1 you're trying to bend a boner, like, real tough, and try to like

Speaker 1 no, dude. Oh, it's great, it's great.
You do? Oh, yeah, nice. You bend it, you're a little pressure player.
You can't, you try to, you try to

Speaker 1 squeeze it to the top, you know, like one of those uh pixie sticks. Yeah, yeah, but what if you caught the pinch?

Speaker 1 There's got to be a point where like the nerve pinches, and you're like, ow, oh, yeah, ow.

Speaker 1 True, just go past it into fucking air. Don't fucking bet my bones.
You fucking absolutely. I know.
I know. That's crazy.
That's disgusting. I would never do that.
That's fantastic. Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 1 I would never do that.

Speaker 1 That was a good boner check-in. Just to check in on everybody's rock hard boner.

Speaker 1 How are you doing?

Speaker 1 Because that is a non-boner outfit you're wearing.

Speaker 1 Could be better.

Speaker 1 quiet since I come back. You've so quiet.
I haven't been quiet. I've seen you like twice.
I want to talk to you and hang out with you. Let's hang out.
Nate, we got to get you harder, dude. We can't.

Speaker 1 Guys suffer in silence, but the boys need to be there and get them hard as fuck again. Bruh, get me hard.
What's the root you were talking about? Maca, bro.

Speaker 1 Get me harder. Bro, start taking the maca.
Take like two tablespoons every morning. You're going to wake.
You'll forget about it and wake up the next morning and go. The boners are fine.
They're fine.

Speaker 1 The bonus are fine. They're now

Speaker 1 just fine. We're going to settle for just fine.

Speaker 2 Where I am bummed is I used to be able to get drunk and fuck and fuck forever.

Speaker 1 And now

Speaker 1 those days

Speaker 1 are gone.

Speaker 2 Now I come home and I'm like, I try and I'm like, forget it.

Speaker 2 And I miss the good old days of

Speaker 1 that's when it's the most fun. Yeah.
You have a couple drinks. You go, I don't give a fuck what I look like.
Yeah. I don't

Speaker 1 do it. Sound.

Speaker 2 I'll ask for anything.

Speaker 2 I'll take the no gracefully.

Speaker 1 little pause you go hey that's no problem yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 sober sober no is

Speaker 1 how could you i thought you loved me

Speaker 1 no i'm not mad i'm just trying to paint my reality to you which is like what am i gonna do yeah and uh yeah and what would you do if i said no you would literally cry if you asked me to go down on you and i said no you would cry no i don't want it anymore i'm just letting you know how i feel

Speaker 1 like no i get it i'm not i'm not trust me i'm not mad i just you know just i don't know what am i supposed to do just feel like this

Speaker 1 This is crazy.

Speaker 1 I've been thinking about setting up the menu. I might start setting up the menu where it's like monthly.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, I want to.

Speaker 1 Let's take a look at the apps.

Speaker 1 What's the scope of the day? What am I getting this month? Can we just talk about it in advance? And what I've come to is two sex. I don't think that's crazy to ask for.
Two sexes a month.

Speaker 1 That's fucking crazy. Two HJs.
That's low. Minimum.
Minimum. Two HJs.
Minimum. I'm talking about the minimum.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Dollar menu.
Two HJs.

Speaker 1 And one beach. I think, dude,

Speaker 1 a beach is nice. Beach starts.
One of them starts.

Speaker 1 Finish you complete. I want a full beach.
No sex involved. No hand.
Full beach once a year. It's up to me.
I'd like to reserve the album. That's gluttonous, dude.
That's the McRib.

Speaker 1 The beach comes out once in a blue moon. You go, the McRib is back.

Speaker 1 Start to finish.

Speaker 1 I don't know where it came. No one even told me it was coming.
That's the point of the bending. That's the period.
That's the time. That's what I'm saying.
All my period. Great.

Speaker 1 I still own IOU.

Speaker 1 It's McRib. Dude, are you? That's like literally my passion you just brought up.
I've been passionately crusading for the period blow job, and it's like I'm just in the dark.

Speaker 1 I don't feel like I'm alone, brother. I feel like I'm alone.
We're all alone.

Speaker 1 No one's ever gotten period head in a relationship.

Speaker 1 We see you.

Speaker 1 You are seen. We're holding space.
I'm going to see one of those videos. Black and white was just like shit written on a cardboard box.

Speaker 1 Thank you for holding space.

Speaker 1 We're holding space. They're cranky, dude.
They're not going to give head. That's the perfect time.
The best head. The cranky head.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just catching a sigh.

Speaker 1 I got a hot breath. Yeah, your little bugging nasty ass sigh actually felt good.
Joe's on you, bitch.

Speaker 1 I will say, that's going to suck so bad to have sex with a guy when you don't really feel like it. Not like I don't want to.

Speaker 1 Definitely.

Speaker 1 It's just good for you when you don't like it. Yeah, it's a friendly.
It is. Not even saying like you truly don't want to, because then it would be off the table, but they're like, fine.

Speaker 1 It's got to be so, because it's like nothing grosser. If you're not like in that sexual mood with all those hormones, fine, you just watch a guy like,

Speaker 1 you're just like, Jesus, fuck you. Can I pie? Can I pie?

Speaker 1 Call for him about the pie. I wonder the handmaiden's tale was so successful.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, you're thinking what I'm thinking.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 same page.

Speaker 1 Same page. What page you're on? Wait.
No, I've I've been on the pie page. Good.
Did she just say it? No, yeah. Did she say come to me? Oh, dude.
It's. Did she say that? I'm not going to ask.

Speaker 1 I was on them. I don't see something.
She said something.

Speaker 1 I was on them, and then now I'm off them, and it's like they're starting to call to me again. You've always had the call of the pie.
I started thinking about the Bible.

Speaker 1 I'm like, they had like 25 fucking kids, dude. I'll be fine.
Oh, dude, the pie rules. It's, dude, it's fucking calling to me.
I held off very late in life. So did I.
So did I. I'll give it occasional.

Speaker 1 I fear the pie the crazy kids in high school i had kids in high school that would pie pie and let's go your friends in high school enjoy pie it's like dude what

Speaker 1 high school kids toss and pie

Speaker 1 and then they go like she can't get pregnant like why like she didn't last time like that's not a

Speaker 1 you got lucky the first time i had friends that would pie in high school and i was like dude you're a savage bro i was terrified of pie

Speaker 1 i still fear the pie

Speaker 1 right now i fear

Speaker 1 thick ass i know you're pie

Speaker 1 there's no way you're pulling out with that fucking ass.

Speaker 1 I do pull out both. When you pull the room to get out, you have science behind the pie.

Speaker 1 Back it up.

Speaker 1 That is fucked up, dude.

Speaker 1 You out yet? You'll know when I'm out.

Speaker 1 Trying to pull out and having your ass hit the dresser.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 That's a new porn genre. There's no fuck shui in this place.

Speaker 1 I can't pull shui. The guy getting fucked against the wall.
Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 I want to say a thing, but I have a friend.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to say his name, but he

Speaker 2 no, not guardock. It's Gardock.

Speaker 2 He's like, been with a lady for a long time, but never pied.

Speaker 1 What? What? Never once. That's crazy.
It's kind of crazy, right? Yeah, it's crazy. That's crazy.
Never. Never.
I think I know who you're talking about.

Speaker 2 Yeah, maybe.

Speaker 1 He might have the fucking reverse beep, too.

Speaker 1 What's that? What is that? If I had to guess who it was, I'd say it was a dump truck.

Speaker 1 He's pulling out.

Speaker 1 I had to guess it was a fucking fire engine backing out.

Speaker 1 He's a big real fucking fire truck.

Speaker 1 Damn. Tell me I had to guess.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 That pod squad is like Thomas the Tank, right?

Speaker 1 Squad of eyes, dude.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, dude. It's crazy.
I was like,

Speaker 1 oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Squad is fucking nice.

Speaker 1 What a great squad.

Speaker 1 It's a great squad.

Speaker 1 The pull squad. Holy fuck.

Speaker 1 I told you I was listening to that. Who the fuck is that? Bring that on a piece of paper.
I want to know who that is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he won't care. It's

Speaker 1 Andy. Andy Palfarina.
It's your Panties in the Motherfucking Mouth. Panties in the Mother Motherfucker.
Oh,

Speaker 1 Andy. Say his name.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 the pod squad.

Speaker 1 Oh, Panties in the Mouth podcast.

Speaker 2 P.I.

Speaker 1 Tim on YouTube. Oh, my God.
I gotta take a look at the boys.

Speaker 1 I mean, I always knew of the ampleness of that fucking squad.

Speaker 1 I never really thought about it in terms of getting into the squad.

Speaker 1 the fat boys the fat boys rappers

Speaker 1 of the squad bro

Speaker 1 that's a good case in the mouth

Speaker 1 it's

Speaker 1 it's the fat boys

Speaker 1 oh man dude i just can't stop laughing about trying to pull out of a woman having your butt

Speaker 1 It's like, oh, shit. It's stuck in my head.
Hey, lady, you gotta move too.

Speaker 1 We gotta go away.

Speaker 1 I'm like,

Speaker 1 that'd be a nice Tim Burton movie. Imagine it, like, shot, like, all weird, like Tim Burton, but everyone's butts just blocking against

Speaker 1 the whole movie.

Speaker 1 Just Johnny Depp with a humongous butt, just getting dressed.

Speaker 1 The bad boys might be painting the mouth.

Speaker 1 What's Johnny Depp Depp up to right now? Is Johnny Depp? He got fat. He got fat.
Yeah, he got chubbed. Really? Yeah, he's not getting drained anymore.
Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 I mean, he is for sure, but he got chubby last time I saw him. Did he really? Yeah.
Not like that. Kind of powerful to defeat your wife in court and then get fat.

Speaker 1 He was so cool in court. They're like, and what's this tin can for? And he goes, it's for Coke.
You know what it's for?

Speaker 1 Why are you doing this? Yeah, he was. That was unbelievable.

Speaker 1 It was such a weird. What was the trial? Was it just like.

Speaker 1 He said she said.

Speaker 1 It was really just like having your friends like bitch at each other in front of you what was the crime though was the crime abuse was the crime like i think libel was the crime that he lost didn't he lose like pirates of the caribbean and all that from her slander

Speaker 1 saying this guy's a scumbag and then suing him

Speaker 1 captain jack sparrow dudes that's got to be so sick yeah that is good that there's got to be something cool about that like going through the whole arc of like the relationship and then getting to sue each other at the end of it suing each other and having a judge be like

Speaker 1 yes

Speaker 1 she was a bitch.

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 1 a bitch, legally. The United States says she's a bitch.
Dude,

Speaker 1 yeah, she wanted a female judge for sure.

Speaker 1 That was a good one. Oh, no.
Female judge might have hurt her. Might have because she was like, she was a young, young cutie.
He's misunderstood. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 If it was an old lady, turned on the bed, though. That was damning evidence.
Turn on the bed, man. It's usual.
She sit on my bed and then wrote your name in my name in shit on the wall. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or blood? Did she cut herself and wrote it in blood? Did she cut herself too? It's honestly. I'd rather a girl cut herself than shit the bed.
Shitting the bed is involved.

Speaker 1 Cutting yourself is like, okay, you've obviously

Speaker 1 shit the bed. I'm on the show this weekend.
You're lying. You didn't cut yourself.

Speaker 1 Shit in the bed. The proof is good.

Speaker 1 I was sure everybody again you're trying to ruin it right now.

Speaker 1 It was just that behavior was just like, it's for Lauderdale trash. That's all they were.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, anyway,

Speaker 1 let's switch over to the Patreon.

Speaker 1 The page. Yes.
Go watch Ari Shafir's special on Netflix. Yes.
Watch all the way through. Enjoy it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 People from Manchester, England. Come to my show.
Oh. When are you going? Manchester rules.
Yeah. In match.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Please come.
Yes.