Ep 540 - Cosmic Balance

Wow, wow, Wes.

Wow.

Wow.

Here we go. I can't believe you guys got a new camera.
Hey, man. Dude, it sat.
I bought that months ago. Is it, like, nice? It's pretty nice, yeah.
There's going to be a clear picture now for the boys. Crystal clear, dude.
Wow. Yeah, I got nervous, too.
Remember the old one you still, like, zoom out of nowhere? Yeah. Zoom in on my face for a full episode.
Yeah, I was worried. I was like, that thing's got, that thing's taking time, Bob.
That's a nightmare to have it slowly zoom on your face for a full episode.

Dude, that was the best.

Blows, dude.

That was the best.

It was funny, too, Gardini just seeing it being like,

I think it actually zoomed in on just your head for an hour.

That's a good podcast angle, though.

Two cameras set up, just maximal.

Max face.

Total Gordon. Just dueling Gordons.
Especially if we got in an argument. Just our face.
Just like, actually, fuck you. You see the person's face the whole time.
Yeah, that's what. When they zoom in on my face, I was like, fuck.
They're definitely going to catch me being a little bitch. Like you say something to me being like.
Oh, yeah, right. As if.
I was like, fuck, they're definitely going to catch me being a little bitch. Like you say something to me being like, oh, yeah, right.
As if. As if, Matt.
It's good to be back. It's fantastic, bro.
Last time I saw you was Notre Dame. I know.
I was just thinking about Notre Dame. I mean, bro, it could have been the big kick.
If I made it, oh, that would have been awesome. That was like, so when I was on my way there and I hit up McAfee, because I don't know, I want to get the bros on.
For sure. And I was like, the only thing I can think of is Matt coming out.
If Matt kicks a field goal, he'll do it. You know what I mean? Like anybody else would be like, fuck no.
Like that's like scary. Dude, I don't know.
When you told me. And Matt just instantly, I was like, Matt's going to do it.
And Matt's going to try his hardest. And there's going to be no, there's no pressure.
Like, he's going to just be like, I'm going to do my best. That's exactly what I did.
I know. I had no, I like, when I was on the flight, I got the text and I was like, wow, all right.
Yeah. I just thought about it.
And I was like, I'm just going to look at that ball and kick it as hard as i can you know that that's what it was going to be like no i didn't know it at all no i didn't know anything about it millions of people watching no clue until i got there and then you're like dude it's like a big show and i was like right on and and i just stuck to my guns i told you i told you and i dude i for real especially the moment of kicking it i had literally i had zero nerves i you're i get so nervous on those things i i mean yeah i i maybe or maybe i just dissociated it that makes total sense that's why i spazzed and talk shit on saving like the because he was like what do you think about the game and i was like i don't know fucking nick saban. It was just a full spaz.
It was so good, though. I mean, I'd like to explain that because that was.
So after I said that, we had to go into the stadium to sit at the desk, which is where he wasn't with us when I said it the first time. Yeah, yeah.
So then I got in there, and right before we go on, he looks at me, and he's like what you said and i was like holy shit and then herb street and mcafee were like he's just breaking your balls dude he loves messing with guys like he's literally just fucking with you and i was like oh all right i'll fuck with him back we can fuck around so then i would have never done that if i thought he was serious yeah they told me he told me he was fucking around. So I started fucking with him.
And then as soon as we get done, I tell Herbstreet and McAfee, I'm like, bro, he was definitely serious. And they were like, no way he was serious.
Go talk to him. So I went up to him after and he was like, you think the SEC dominated because we cheated? That's bullshit.
And he like, he spazzed all me. Weren't you helping him down? But then, so he was still on the stage and I was on the field.
So after he yelled at me, I had to help him down. And he like looked around to see if anybody else could help him.
But I had to help him down. And yeah, I felt really bad about that.
I mean, it's got to be crazy, too, because he's how old is he? I think he's probably like 70. Yeah.
And he's I didn't know. He might be older.
Well, I didn't know, too, because I saw him on the screen. I didn't know who he was.
And I was like, damn, dude, you should start wearing a hat like you look 73. Yeah.
I mean, you could really step into that look. That hat? Into his couture.
The whole thing. Next time I do game day, I'm dressing exactly like I'm wearing the hat.
And then just be like, what? What, dude? These hats are cool. You're right.
This is how I dress. It's how guys who like sports dress.
I didn't realize that was like a legendary coach. He's the number.
He's the greatest coach of all time. So from him, it must be like, you know, you go on those shows.
It's like, all right, time to get fucking high fives. Atta boy.
And you just get. Dickhead shows up.
I mean, we do roast the ones we love, though, dude. We do only.
We only roast the ones we love. It ones we love it's so funny though to be a 70 year old man just in like the twilight of your years your legacy and then just be like dude your ass gay yeah it's gay and you cheated that was you're just an agent of karma there had to been something i'm not saying he's a bad guy but i'm saying there's got to be just like there was some kind of equation that needed to be balanced cosmically.
And, you know, you were just you were there. I think I kind of was right, though.
Now that the SEC isn't the only conference that can pay players. Yeah.
That was the other thing, too. It's well known, right? That like a lot of people were.
Yeah, it's not. So that's the thing.
I think a lot of the coaches can distance themselves from it. Be like, I don't fucking.
We didn't pay players. I don't know how all these guys got Dodge Chargers, but I didn't fucking do it.
Yeah, true. I don't know how everyone on the team has chains and cars.
I know. But it's also like, you know, you can't.
Like when I hear about like the flight gate and all that stuff, I'm always like, good. Like as a good coach, you should be.
Dude, I wish Notre Dame was fucking cheating. Yeah, it'd be awesome.
It'd be awesome. Hopefully they are.
Notre Dame vacated wins because a couple players cheated on like a summer class. Meanwhile, the SEC was like, we'll give Cam Newton $500 million if he comes to this school.
Yeah, true. I don't know, man.
I think Cam, they did something to that guy. That guy got like MKUltred, bro.
He hates Notre Dame, dude. Fuck him.
What's his problem? I don't know. He dresses like a cat.
He literally looks like a cartoon cat. I think he got abducted by aliens.
It's crazy. He wears like a top hat and a bow tie every day.
I like my theory my theory is a house fell on him i think i think a house fell on him and he became a witch he is a he is a real witchy he's very witchy he's huge i'm telling you bro i think he's huge i think he got either abducted by aliens and sent to the future for five like five thousand years beyond he that dude is yeah he He's wild, dude. He's wearing future clothes.
Did you see the clip of, God, who was it, man? Corey Holcomb on his show. And Corey Holcomb just kind of like, he like broke something down to him.
I don't know what it was. It was about Trump or this or that.
I don't know what it was. But like Corey Holcomb kind of owned him being like, dude, you really believe.
Like schooled him is scam a lib yeah dude yeah i guess you can tell by the fucking outfit yeah bro otherwise it's but it was cory holcomb said i forget i wish i remember what he said but he's like you can't be you can't really believe that he was like i don't i don't like it was yeah you know someone's I never thought. He's like, you've clearly thought about this before.
And he was like, yeah. And you could tell I definitely did.
Devastating. I mean, I don't know.
I was. But it was funny.
Scam Newton. I was wrong about him, though, in the NFL.
I remember having a very intense argument with my college roommates being like, Jimmy Clawson is a professional passer from Notre no name cam newton you can't run like that in the nfl dude this guy's gonna get fucking killed he dominated his whole career he was incredible he's changed the game yeah he was nasty did you see him throw hands at one time yes he's also terrifying so that was kind of nice we're just joking around scam yes scam i'll stop calling scam cam you're the man oh scram you could be Scram Newton. Scram Newton, yeah.
Scam. Yeah, Scam.
I'll stop calling you Scam.

Scam, you're the man.

Oh, Scram.

No, you could be Scram Newton.

Scram Newton, yeah.

Scram Newton.

But yeah, he, there was, man, he really, like, it's wild to be that old and get, like, into, like, I mean, I would say the bleeding edge of fashion.

Yeah.

It's like, that's the bleeding edge of fashion is, like, borderline cross-dressing.

For real.

He looks like a Mary Kay model.

It's crazy.

It's also weird to be that big.

Yeah, true.

You can't be like giant and wearing cool stuff. It's kind of, it's not, it's very erotic to be threatening.
Magic Johnson's son. I just saw a video of him yesterday.
He's still going nuts, dude. Yeah.
What's that kid's age? I mean, dude, Oh, is it a daughter now? Do you want to talk about a balancing act of the universe? Imagine. Dude, this is no disrespect.
This is more of like just kind of put yourself in someone's shoes. But imagine if your dad had AIDS from getting too much pussy.
He got all the pussy. That guy couldn't.
He like got like multiple generations worth of pussy. So like you got it.
You got to be that gay when you come out of being his son. You know what I mean? For sure.
It would have been crazy if his son came out. You know, it's not like Diddy's son.
Diddy's sons are woman. I was they were the apple did not fall far from the tree in the Diddy family.
Yeah, dude. I'm like fascinated by those guys.

That's a... He had two twin daughters just celebrated their 18-year-old birthday or something.

Who, Diddy?

Diddy has twin 18-year-old female daughters.

And it's like, I just...

What a world.

Yeah.

To be...

A, having a twin's weird enough that to be like...

Diddy's son...

Is it him or...

His son's wrapped.

One of them's really wrapped up.

One of them played football at UCLA. Oh, really? I could be the wrong i could be thinking somebody else and i think snoop hit his strength and conditioning coach in the head with like a kettlebell like attempted murder he's probably just trying to get some if i saw a guy doing jumping jackson what if he gets acquitted what if he gets acquitted it was all made up.
That would be crazy. No, I was right about that.
Did he? Did he attack the UCLA football coach with a kettlebell? What? Yeah. Primal? You think it was a primal on it? It was probably, yeah.
It was probably a basic gorilla head. I mean, he definitely wasn't swinging anything.
If you're going to attack somebody with a kettlebell, it's probably like a 15 pound, like a 10-pounder. Damn, his son was pretty good, it looks like.
Really? I don't know if he played ever because his dad attacked someone with a kettlebell. I feel like that would get you off the bench.
True. I wish my dad wasn't such a bitch about, you know, he could have gotten up and so on his face.
Yeah, he could have helped. I mean, I was playing both sides of the ball in seventh grade.
True. That was my peak.
I peaked.

I started out at my peak of football and was just like.

Yeah, you were Travis Hunter.

I was nasty.

You were a two-way start.

Don't forget about special teams, bro.

Three-way.

I mean, all facets of the game.

You had it.

Did Saban say anything about me, actually?

Saban mentioned you.

He said, who was that guy who kicked that ball?

I'd like to give him five hundred thousand dollars was that the guy from the byc bulldogs i saw their kick of the ball true i do wish my father had held it down like did he like that yeah man came down to elon with me the whole year i was riding the bench just yeah attacked our strength and conditioning coach with a kettlebell got his ass beat by our strength and conditioning coach yeah that i dude i'm telling you the it's a uh i i really love delving into like the kind of just psychosis of like fathers and sports and coaching it's just like it gets really it's like a dark world dude yeah it's pretty nuts man phil held That's good. Occasionally, he would come watch practice, which was a little weird.
Was he quiet, though? He didn't say anything. He just would look over, and you'd see a car in the parking lot.
You'd be like, how bored is this fucking guy? No, he probably loves it, dude. Yeah, he liked it.
Yeah, dude. If you're quiet and chill, more power to you.
It's when dudes get weird about the high school sports, my kids playing yeah you do down to like way young people start spazzing and it's a weird that's a weird trip to get on it's a weird trip to get on like yeah my kid's the best yeah it's like no dude it's clearly we're watching watch the field yeah watch the tape we're gonna grind on the tape but that is you know that's that's a thing where it's like coaches playing their sons. That's where it does get a little like.
Yeah. Quarterback.
Every time quarterback. Who knew every coach's son was a quarterback? But yeah, that's I mean, I could I could get into girls basketball coaching, dude.
The path is set for me. The path is set.
I've thought about it. You can get in touch with Phil.
Phil could be your mentor. That would be nice be nice phil could mentor you he probably could i think my mom just had knee surgery today my dad's not home helping her because he's going to like a girls basketball practice we're like phil skip the fucking practice no way she just helped him the entire time i was about to say it was the whole time he was recovering from that i mean girls are so good day day two she's she got a surgery yesterday really and he's already he's like i gotta go to the practice duty calls it's like dude stay home women do wait on you hand like they there's nothing they love more than you being like incapacitated yeah if they had it your way they'd be dead yeah if they had their you'd be dead ideally.
But like you laying in a bed and needing them, they can't. They love that.

Tucking you in with blankets. It's very nice.

They love it, dude. If Brittany has anything wrong

with her, A, I like kind of question

her to make sure she's not faking first and foremost.

Yes.

Yes. I go,

oh, wow, your knee really hurts.

And they're like, oh, my God, I'm just making sure you're not making this up and i have to go yeah it sucks man i i told you when they when i broke my nose and they uh they i i got my deviated septum fixed while they had to like put my nose back together i came out of the hospital like you know brinney picked me up she's like always happy to do that and they put me on fentanyl fuck you i do because i came i came yeah dude they put me on fent i fucking i came up i remember coming to because you know they knock you out like boom you're just back yeah just instantly to be continued i come back after hours of them just like you know cutting my nose they they cut your septum out like the part between your nose and then straighten it out and resew it's disgusting oh man but i came to and i came once i realized like where i was i was like hey great job everybody yeah hey everybody great work and everyone's like all right you sit down and they were like we gave you uh we gave you something for the pain of the way home and i was like what did you give me i me? I'm just curious. I am curious about it.
They give you ketamine to put you down, apparently. So I was curious about the cocktail.
And they were like, fentanyl. And I was like, huh? So they hit me with a fentanyl.
Where did you go? Just somewhere in Philly. K&A, bro.
Yeah. Go give you the little fucking ketamine.
Somewhere in Philly. Dude, the worst.
Yeah, true. Gave you some of that trank, dog.
I didn't know you like to get wet, young man. Yeah, true.
But I was like, all right. And I was already so fucked up from everything else they gave me.
But that fent hit me and Brittany picked me up. And I was just like, anything she said, I would be like, would you just shut the fuck? I was so mean, dude.
Yeah, instantly. I had opiate rage.
For sure. Which apparently that happens.
If you're on perks,, you get mean, dude. Super mean.
Also, right now, the mayor, black dudes are getting crushed by Percocets. Black dudes are getting crushed by opiates right now.
Yeah. Opiates and galaxy gas.
Galaxy gas. Galaxy gas.
What's galaxy gas? Whippets. Black dudes discovered whippets this year.
They just discovered whippets? They just discovered whippets, and it's not good. They're getting fucked up.
If you do too much nitrous, apparently it stops your body from being able to produce vitamin B, which is important for your nervous system. It fucks you up.
Yeah. And dudes are calling off.
First of all, they all say smoking. You're not smoking anything.
Yeah. You're just huffing galaxy gas.
And it's like, dude, it rockeded whippets rocked black people it's hurting the

community it's crushing them but their voice does get deep which is sick so you can be like three seconds of just like the ultimate og then you fall over and like the fucking best buy Yeah, that's nice.

He just, he just he just dent the charger oh oh shit oh ain't nobody I've been watching a YouTube guy that you've probably watched or would enjoy there's like a it's English guy. I think he's Pakistani.
I don't know. There's something.
For sure. But he goes to America to go to hoods and interview people.
Really? In the ghetto. Dude, that's a huge genre right now.
So, brav, when did you decide to jump off the porch? That's nice. Oh, dude, that's the best.
When did you jump off the porch?

They all use like, it's like.

Yeah.

It's so funny.

Oh, what, you just hit a lick?

And they're like, no, no.

Yeah, it's all that.

It's, dude, those guys.

Brandon Buckingham apparently got like wrapped up in like a shooting.

He was another guy who was like, he did like, I think he did like Skrilla and all these neighbors, like inside the most dangerous neighborhood.

Oh, Skrilla was, he interviewed Skrilla on one of them.

And Skrilla was the man.

Skrilla is the man. So far, everybody in Philly was like, Mr.
Disrespectful. Oh, I know.
YBC Duel. RIP.
Bro. He got killed.
It was the funniest interview I've ever seen. He's like, so why do they call you Mr.
Disrespectful, bro? He's like, I'll just really be disrespecting everybody. It's like, all right, you fucking asshole.
He was digging up the Ops graves He digged up the ops graves. He got killed, dude, in West Philly.

Yeah, he got killed right after that interview.

Yeah.

But Skrilla was the only one that, because every time he always asks, he's like, would

you put the guns down if the ops put the guns down?

And everyone's always like, no, we got to exterminate the ops.

Yeah.

Skrilla was just like, yeah.

Yeah.

For sure.

I think he had like a nice upbringing.

Or nicer.

His dad was in the picture. I've watched like seven Skrilla does rule dude I've messaged him before Did I tell you what happened the one time? Yes I was watching him on a Kensington live feed I had to tell him I was like bro if I got the drop on you dude You better get out of there Did he respond? Yeah he talked to me He was like that was like i was like bro i'm watching you on a live stream on youtube like your whereabouts that's awesome and then i'd watch him go into the bar he was going into then i'd watch inside the bar on his instagram live it was crazy dude but yeah he is the absolute man but his thing was he works with a bunch of other he just works with all these different gangs do and then he would like surprise guys and put them on the same track.
And they would like spaz because they were like, you know, the ops, the ops. And he would just not tell them and put them on the same track.
And they'd be like, what the fuck, dude? He's the man. I love that guy.
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It was pretty fun to look how he handled himself. Yeah, true.
Well, it's funny, too, because they're young as fuck, dude. They're like 22, 23.
Just get the bag, dude. I'm rooting for them, dude.
I hope they do well. Yeah.
I need Skrilla, dude, to not die from drugs. All those guys, dude, when you watch like million dollars worth of game it's just those two dudes gillian wyla or whatever just talking to dudes like they did the kodak black episode and he just the dude's just like dipping out he's so hot yeah kodak's unfortunately very fucked up did you see when he threw a pill up in the air on i think it was yeah that was a little twitchch or something.
A little glitch for the twitch. He wouldn't leave.
And he called it. He wouldn't leave though.
Kai Sinatra was trying to get him to leave. And he's like, I was like, holy shit.
Dude, fucking NBA young boys, same thing. They did a thing for him.
And he'd just be like, yeah, he was so fucked up. He couldn't talk.
And they were like, listen to me. It was a really moving speech, man.

He talked to Kodak Black and gave him a speech.

And I was like, damn, that's actually very moving.

But yeah, dude, you guys can't do the fucking.

I tried to warn my black friends a long time ago.

It's like, guys, the pills came for us, dude.

We felt it was winter for a long time.

Don't make the same mistake.

And they're like, nah, bro.

I'll be fucking on these things forever. I'm like, it's not going to work out that way, dude.
You're going to be a junkie. It's a goddamn shame.
It's a goddamn shame, dude. But, dude, the Notre Dame game.
I told you. What a time.
I saw the funniest thing I've ever seen. Because I was sitting near a lot of Indiana fans.
Because it was like, you know, it's in Indiana or whatever. And I had the SDI hat on, which is red.
so a lot of indiana fans because it was like you know it's in indiana or whatever and i had the sdi hat on which is red so a lot of indiana fans thought i was repping indiana so i was just like sitting with them and then there was like these notre dame fans it was like three early 20 something kids with like a you know 50 something year old dad and when they scored that like that one run like early on the like the Indiana guys are like yelling stuff. And then like nothing crazy.
But this one kid, Notre Dame fan, turns around to like an old man in decked out Indiana gear and goes, fuck you. Dude, like, you know how close everybody is? He was like right here in this man's face, screamed at him, double bird to the face.
And I was just like, oh, it's crazy. And, i was like it was the funny and the old man was like no hey no don't say that to me it was a fucking funny and then the kid's dad was like do that knock that off and it was so funny you see i've gotten in flights at games bro that was i i'm surprised it's crazy how people think they can talk to you during a football game i'm surprised one surprised.
Because I think that guy had his kin with him, some relations. You would think that someone would have been like.
Because you can just destroy somebody and just shove them. I had some Michigan fans a while ago behind me and my cousin.
And my cousin's nuts. He's out of his mind.
And these guys were talking shit. And they're like, oh, what are you guys going to do about it? And I was just like, we're going to fucking kill these guys.
Did they have the high ground? They did. They were the row behind us.
See, this guy. We would have fucked them up.
Okay, just one row's not bad. You just scoop them down.
But, dude, this guy, his dad, he was, like, humiliating his dad. His dad obviously brought him and his two friends to the game the whole time.
It was kind of funny. Yeah, I guess I have been on every game I go to.
The the ohio state notre dame game they should separate the sides like a high school game yeah that's crazy the way they do that but this guy so finally his dad like shamed him into apologizing turn around he's like i'm sorry sir that wasn't appropriate for me to do that's nice it was nice but he but i'm like all right he wasn't sincere yeah his dad got up to leave and i saw he popped his phone up in a group chat he was like i just said fuck you to this guy behind me my dad got mad what a pussy that's mr disrespectful that's a young disrespectful totally mr disrespecting everybody he was and then he you just every play he just yell shit out but yeah i was that was uh that was so fun it's too bad though they're not really the ops. Yeah, man.
Penn State's the ops. I know, dude.
This is the game. This is it.
This is the ultimate game. Pennsylvania might break out in the Civil War.
Pennsylvania will go crazy. This is the most stressful game possible.
They got to beat them, bro. They got to do it for those kids.
I agree. Although, both sides.
No, no, no. That's what they all try.
That's how nasty these Penn State fans are. They're like, yeah, what about the Catholic Church? You're like, dude, Notre Dame's its own thing.
That's why we need his teachings even more. Even, you know, all men fall.
Yeah. So we do, yeah, don't disgrace the teachings.
But yeah, that's true. What about the Catholic Church? It's like, nah, dude.
Don't fucking bring them into this. First of all, that's different.
That's different. That's different.
We all know that's different. That's family business.
That's in-house. That's in-house.
That's family business. All right.
Don't bring up Notre Dame. That's so different.
All right. They were being weird, bro.
They were being weird as fuck. Yeah, dude.
When a religious dude, we used to like chop virgins' heads off and kick them down the altar. People are going to catch some strays in the church.
People are going to catch some strays. After all we did for the whole world, the know dude what did penn state do one title in 60 years under joe i mean dude that's the that's the thesis of that fired for that around notre dame what that's a thesis of dominion apparently every uh abolitionist movement early on was tied to catholic church where's he going that's i think.
Ooh. What are you doing with it? Let's get him out of coffee.
Just in time, bro. Just talking about worldwide.
It's too big. So when I was living here, I started to like, not like Penn State, but you know what I mean.
I know some of the guys that played for him now, and it's like, especially in the South, where they're like the North, they can't play football. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah so then you start to be like no penn state's actually not bad yeah and then i went back home for five months surrounded by my friends yeah i fucking hate penn state i fucking hate them i hate them dude yeah that'll be a huge game is that's not the championship it's the semififinals.
Okay, then the championship. So we're down to four.
It's going to be Ohio State-Texas on Friday. Kind of want Texas to win that.
Definitely need Texas to win that. Yeah.
Ohio State's very good. Oh, that's a perfect little treat for me.
I wanted you to have a little treat. That's a perfect little caffeine treat.
Dude, I'm so going on the caffeine, man. I'm telling you, dude.
My level of secret buzz. Thank you.
I've always been looking looking for a secret buzz during the day but it's i've been getting just atrocious with like who's what's up with weed how's that going i so how's that for a secret buzz i've taken a huge sabbatical from weed but i have found these mints and you know everyone likes to fucking milligram mog everybody else yeah i like to do 50 and it's like whatever you do you but i found these mints they're two and a half milligrams and that way you can kind of titrate the dough so you don't just get like thwacked out you know before i would try it on a playground with my kids and you just get like wobbled on a plate it's not a move it's it's not the you know it's not the road to successful parenting but a little little 2.5 milligram, perfect. Yes.
And it just, especially if you're out drinking, I take one with every drink. And it's like that way, like that fourth one hits, you're in the 10 milligram zone, which isn't nothing crazy, but it's enough to give you the Jiminy Cricket on your shoulder in terms of drinking.
Because it's like, man, that ball rolled away from me in Boston, dude. And got what happened i just got i was in boston i would be like my cousin met me up there you got fucked up i got dude i got fucking that's fun it was a while ago to the point where like they're they do those tours in uh like boston does this paul revere tour they're like oh this ancient fucking yeah graveyard it was actually sick me and my cousin were out.
We've been drinking all day. And we were smoking cigars near a graveyard.
But you couldn't get in. We were trying to get in because it was fenced off.
It was like an old, old... You were drunk trying to get into the soundstage.
Drunk smoking cigars on a billion of those mints. I was just eating all day.
Oh, no. And I was trying to get in because they had these candlelit tours in this ancient graveyard.
Yeah, that'd be sick. So I tried to get in the door.
They wouldn't let us in. So we got in this other area where we could get like real close.
But we, you know, we were like a little bit gated off. But then the tour came by.
Freedom Trail. Isn't that what it's called? No.
It's probably something like that. A guy was dressed like Paul Revere.
Yeah. What's his name? You see that? Sam from Boston.
No, he used to do the. Yeah.
Sam that he used to be a reenactor on that yeah anyway it was kind of sick on that we were like sitting there we already we're just like sitting there puffing our stugs just a hand me and my cousin was like hammered just sitting there and they're like he was saying how like harvard like in the early days of america would pay grave robbers to go dig up people's loved ones so they could examine their dead bodies oh nice it was like a weird job like a black market job you get you could just dig up dead bodies and sell them to harvard it's disrespectful it was a way of life it's truly a way of life and uh and so we're sitting there we're on the edge of the thing and i was like yo let's get it can you get us inside i wasn't even part of the tour i was like can we get inside the guy is the paul revere guy was like no and i was like oh that's fucking lame and then they're like moving on but i did see uh i saw two young or two or three young bros on city bikes and they were like i was talking to them they're listeners of the podcast and i was hammered there's these two girls over there i was just doing like the old guy thing of like bro go talk go talk to those fucking girls. If I didn't have a wife, I'd be talking to those girls.
Because the girls were getting loud and I was like, they're just acting up, bro. They're desperate for your attention, man.
They see you on those fucking city bikes. They want you guys to ride over.
They're like, do you want to come to Fenway with us? And I was like, strongly considerate. I was like, I got to go, man.
Get a city bike. It's like a five mile ride.
And I was like, I better go inside but yeah i got i woke up with the worst hangover possibly it was like the the weed didn't the alcohol won yeah but those weed edibles were still because i don't know i was drinking were you drinking liquor or something yeah i was drinking liquor ciders wine i was drinking it all i was doing it all, dude. We went to the Cheers bar.
You got to go to the Cheers bar. So funny, dude.
Shit rocks. We went to the Cheers bar.
My cousin's wife was like, I know this is stupid, guys. I really want to go.
We're like, no, no, no. It's not stupid.
As soon as we got there, we're like, wow, so cool. But once we got in there, it was like, it's hard to get seats in there.
And it was like, it's actually kind of an aggressive place. Everyone's trying to like get to the bar.
It's honestly I don't want to talk badly about the Cheers bar, but it wasn't all that was cracked out to me. But we actually got to the bar and it was like kind of a hard thing to do.
And it was just a stroke of luck. And once we dug in there, I just was crushing draft ciders.
Like I couldn't stop. It's fun.
It was so it was Cheers so it was cheers bar bro exactly what are you gonna do and they have things of normisms and whatever the guy so dude they have they have oh god they have those dumb plates you can buy that's exactly what this fucking dipshit brought well dude they have i want to hang it in here they have like a bucket and they have they have little day one during his panic attack from moving he thought he was dying He laying on my couch like, I'm dying. He was like, you're just nervous from the move, bro.
It's okay. How many...
Didn't you drink like 10 Jake Paul drinks on the way down here? Yeah, plus six Celsius. Oh, my God.
And then took mushrooms. Yeah, the next day.
And then thought he was going to die. And I...
Go to Nickel City at night. That's a good time.
It was a good time. Yeah, it was New Year's Eve Eve.
It was a good time. Yeah, that's good.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Yeah, it was. You would love it, dude.
You can pull in this bucket and it's just different. Norm is there's another ism.
I don't know what character that was, but the normisms do hit kind of hard. So we would just pull them out out read them to my cousin's wife and go typical norm classic classic norm classic norm man cheers nothing better than it yeah it was very fun but then i got kind of hammered there then they went our wives went out to like do something so we sat at that was oh i didn't tell you i didn't tell you about this so then we stood we said so then we go me and my cousin go to this like fancy looking like cavernous Mexican place.
It was like you can upscale Mexican place. I just sat there and just crushed margaritas.
The bartender was attractive. Full disclosure, attractive.
Yes. Maybe 26 year old bartender is pretty wild.
Awesome. And so we're me and my cousin are sitting there.
Just cool. Just two old school players.
Just chilling out. Max.
Just chilling out, Max. Being normal as hell.
So then we're sitting there drinking, and then the guy next to us finishes his drink, stands up, shakes the bartender's hand. Beast.
And I was like, bro, that is the horniest shit I've ever seen. And mind you, she had made me custom margarita.
Not a big deal. But she was personalizing things.
Yeah. Well, she was like, what do you want? My thing is, when I'm at a bar, I go, just hit me with some crazy shit.
I know you can dream stuff up. You go full mixologist.
Yes. Hit me with a passion fruit margarita.
I mean, I think she was kind of sending me, you know, when a woman gives you passion fruit or anything, she's trying to tell you something. But I was just kind of like, hey, chill out, lady.
Yeah. So then, so I'm sitting there like, man.
You made no friendly advances. Not at all.
She could have been an obese 40-year-old man. I would have treated her not differently at all.
Strictly business. Straight from the Cheers bar.
You were nothing but serious. Trying to remember normisms to say to her.
She's going to love this woman. But then I'm sitting there and I'm like, tell my cousin, like, dude, is that not the craziest thing? He's like, that was pretty nuts to stand up and shake the lady's hand.
So then finally, after like three margaritas there, I was like, yeah, three margaritas. Three margaritas after, you know, get on.
Hey, well, I was I just I had to ask her. I was like, you know, just just for my understanding of the world.
Was that was that kind of nuts how that guy shook your hand? And she was like, oh, it's like one of my old co-workers. I was like, I was just jealous.
He touched. Yeah, of course.
Who does he think he is touching? Obviously, my wife. Yeah, but I asked.
She likes me. She has a crush on me.
I asked, bro. I asked.
And I was just like, you know, just I was that was weird right there's the horniest guys on earth are guys talking to car girls like golf those are the horniest guy there's videos there's videos you can find it there's some good videos online of guys coming up to car girls and like you understand how beautiful you are right like what you do you brighten my day like cutting her off from getting back in the cart being like i love you there's uh yeah i go to there's a golf course near me that i go to that they also they serve fucking like fantastic taco the food is awesome so we'll bring the kids there and let them run around after like the driving rain shuts down they use to run around on that grass we just crush tacos but i didn't know that was a thing because i saw a lady driving a golf cart yeah and just just out of like like literally innocent the hottest outfit possible yeah it's like tennis skirt and polo i was trying to figure out i was like is this a thing i thought it was just like a one-off and she comes to give you drinks and snacks really while you're already hammered on the golf course and you go see i didn't know that and while your wife is saying where are you you've been gone too long you go bitch i'm on the third fucking hole that game seems designed to just like absolutely crush wives it's so long yeah it's so long and it's just the bros and they split it up yeah hey no no it's there's a girl's golf there's guys golf something i'd love to get into but i i just don't have the time i went to the driving range a couple times driving range with gerbys he loves it it's all gerbys talks about could i walk the grounds with a walking stick yeah not play yeah you could just walk on that's what i'm saying i would like people might come up and be like who are you just like i'm i'm hiking like i'm trying to find the car girl my daughter was i'm from pennsylvania daughter went missing. I think she's a car girl.
She fell in with the wrong crowd. The club pro here took her under his wing.
She fell in with some caddies. She fell in with some tough caddies.
Now she's a whore. My cousin was caddying for a long time, and he got nasty at golf.
Yeah. I think he's like sub 80 that's pretty good yeah i'm always as good as it gets i hear about people going sub 100 i'm like damn bro yeah you can play yeah people ask me people ask me to go golfing all the time like bro i'll hit a 250 yeah i will hit a you won't believe the number i'll hit well i heard i was talking about i was talking about this to someone they're like no you do pairs best ball best ball is kind of fun yeah and you just do nine holes he's like don't 18 is crazy unless we're drinking yeah it's the best part of the back nine you're blacked out and you get to drive a golf cart around you go watch this it is a safe haven for drunk driving so fun but yeah dudes whip those things too because i i did feel bad because i'll unleash like the kids on the putting green and like usually i'm there late enough where no one's on there but the other day there was a lot of people in the putting green they were just trying to do putts while like girls are doing like cartwheels around it was so fucking funny they gotta you know they gotta figure out how to hit it under pressure that's what i was saying i was like hey man sorry my kids don't do polite golf claps like you gotta yeah you gotta earn it around here there was a guy i was like dude it was actually like i think it was like two days ago he was working on chip shots and there was dude there was like for real like seven little kids running around he was chipping it and i was like man this guy must be confident he's focused dude he fucking just sunk it like on like he just sunk a of course he did hole in one chip shot showing off for the kids like what the fuck i'd be worried I was going to crack a kid in the head with a ball.
For real, dude. He was hitting it hard enough to where I was like, damn, bro.
Yeah, that golf course is the chill spot, though. Tacos, chill.
You got to hit the range. I do.
I hit the range every now and again. I'm not bad, dude.
I can hit it. I don't know where this came from.
I can hit it straight somehow. Not with a driver.
Driver's so hard.

Driver, I've sent a couple out into the road.

They're like, if you send it in the road, you're financially responsible.

It's like, I don't think so, bro.

Pretty sure I'm hitting golf clubs at your business.

I'm pretty sure you're the one with the insurance policy.

If I hit a car, I'm obviously leaving and not telling anyone I did that.

Yeah.

I'm going to be like, see that cart?

It fucking shot it out like a lawnmower. That wasn't fucking me.
But yeah, dude, I've weirdly got better at sports as I'm older. It's bizarre.
That happens a little. You slow down.
Just chill. You're not spazzing.
You're not nervous. Exactly.
Dude, I'm telling you, that field goal kick, I wasn't nervous. Field goal kick you had, bro.
You booted it. And all I could think about, I was telling you, was that quote where it's like some Chinese Zen thing where it's like,

as soon as the archer thinks about the prize, his mind becomes divided from the target.

And I was just like, dude, all I got to think about is the target.

I was totally.

You were locked in.

I was totally locked in.

If I made it, that would have been sick.

But I was just happy I got it up into the air and moved.

But it's like, dude, ping pong. Then I played ping pong that night.
Me james were playing ping pong so fun i'm good at ping pong i was hammered just watching them play ping pong at night yeah that was great i just sat on the couch watch you guys try your hardest diving were you surprised about it was really good but then i did when you went to bed i said i'm gonna bring in my old workhorse, Chris O'Connor. True.

Get down here.

I know O'Connor's going to be good at this.

O'Connor was nasty.

Yeah, I believe it.

That was my favorite part of the trip, probably.

I was talking you and James into going back down and competing again.

Well, the craziest, he beat me, and then I beat him.

That was the best.

And he came up, and he's like, I beat the second.

I'm like, what?

Yeah, they were like, Matt told me who won.

They played three games.

Yeah, we did two sets of best out of three. He won the first.
the middle he won the second or the third I guess okay it was very it was an easy one even hammered to just be like James didn't you just say you won the game he did and then they both were like no no we had to go back gotta settle it you guys were itching to play he played great played great. But, dude, out of nowhere, we were fucking around.
I was like, psh, psh, psh, psh. It was crazy, bro.
It was unbelievable. It was exciting times.
I'm telling you, man, getting better at every sport and nearing your 40s is like, it's kind of been a welcome. And it is.
It's all mental. Yeah.
It's like, I just don't care about missing basketball shots. I'd see you out there.
I'd like to see you at home run derby. I bet you can hit it.
I don't know, man. That was my greatest sports weakness was the swing in the back.
Yeah, because it was scary because someone was throwing a fast pitch. Now I don't care.
I'd love a ball to hit me in the fucking head right now. Yeah, knock me.
Just kill me. Knock me the fuck out.
I'm done with this day already. Charge the machine.
Yeah, dude, I've been skateboarding fearlessly. I'm worried about that.
You sent me to send my videos. I said, you better slow down, man, bro.
I might get a helmet. I'm a fucking collarbone or something.
I'm not worried about bones. I'll break bones.
I don't want to look like a dumbass. Dude, I would be funny for stand up.
It would be kind of funny. Yeah.
Broke my arm skating. It's not a big deal.
It it's dude the pump track is like you drop in

and then you like you have to like move your legs in a certain way to gain speed through the hills dude you come up to the last hill the really good guys like hit it and get air then come down yeah but just get into the top of that thing you're going then you got to come around like a little wall and dude you're literally going like you're leaning and you're like and my my uncle is dude he does it with me he's like 50 he was like nice he said he took a video his son my my cousin freeze freeze like the video took a picture of my face like it looks like he's experiencing g-force because i'm like fully nerding out it's so funny dude the skate park it's so hard like physically i i would do it like effortlessly when i was a kid yeah you get destroyed just like winded yeah from just like pumping your legs and like balancing skiing not for a long time it's gotta kill you too you're like oh shit my legs don't work you gotta be dead yeah i was doing an hour and 10 minutes of skateboarding my legs were fried for like two days days. It's pretty fucking eye opening, honestly.
Yeah, it's pretty crazy. But dude, once you get decent at it, it's so sick.
And then it's like I try to like I've been really trying to like stamp this part of myself out. But it's like you see the other parents with their kids and you're skating.
You're like hop on the board, pups. Hop on the board, bro.
But I tried. I try not to do that.
Make the other parents just be like it's just got to be funny because it's like you're I hop on the board pups hop on the board bro but i tried i try not to do that make

the other parents just be like it's just got to be funny because like you're i'm there watching

parents with their toddlers yes it's my age i'm ripping the skate park and i almost want to tell

them i'm like bro grab the board they're afraid to live free like you grab the board bro yeah

grab the board because i've talked a lot of people are like i want to do it i'm like do it dude

it's so scary when you first start dropping i'm never ever it's so scary just for the record i'm never going near it it's so scary and i'm not saying i'm not like shaming the dads i'm more talking about like covertly seducing their wives from my skin are their wives there while you're skating and you're just like it's wives did you see that it's the worst domestic setup where it's

little kids like little kids on those little zoomy bikes where like they don't even don't even have pedals there's like a small beginners kind of like bowl looking thing and then there's like the advanced pump track and it's just kids meeting their demise and then just moms freaking out at dads being like you're watching them and just dad's in hell and i'm just fucking right I'm just a variety in the way.

You got two milligrams in you.

And you're going, damn.

Yes. I'm like, are you watching them? And just dad's in hell.
And I'm just fucking riding. And you're floating.
I'm just riding the waves. You got two milligrams in here.
And you're going, damn. Yeah, 6,000 milligrams of caffeine and like a little bit of weed.
Just going, brother, grab the board. Brother, get on the pump track.
I am just kidding, too. I'm not thinking about seducing men's wives.
But the thought has crossed. It's a fun joke.
It's a fun joke. And the thought has crossed my mind.
Like, dude. how nice it would be to have sex with people's wives no not that i'm all i'm all about just getting that attraction and getting that energy bro it's skate life at this point that's what i'm talking about you're a skater boy it's you're obviously going to seduce women i'm not gonna well come on man i'll look all here's what i'm about if i see a guy on the board i go honey don't look honey close your fucking eyes don't look there's a four-year-old guy like I see a guy on the board, I go, honey, don't look.
Honey, close your fucking eyes. Don't look.
There's a four-year-old guy like, whoa, shit. There's a guy on the pump track going one mile an hour.
Don't look. Don't look, babe.
Well, you need enough speed. Otherwise, you peter out on the pump track, and that's embarrassing.
And it took me three days. How many bails? Have you been bailing out in Arlie? Oh, I bailed.
I've slammed, dude. I slammed hard i slammed hard the other day i don't know what happened like when you come back up i leaned forward a little bit too much if you zone out for a second you're fucked yeah i kind of zoned out and uh you know again doesn't matter at all but there was just like lady skating with gigantic tits and uh is there a lady with gigantic tits skating you know you see people and you're like you definitely have have five.
And it's Hills right there. Was she hitting the Hills? She was a youngster.
She was a youngster, but it was a guy. It was a young skater couple in love.
But the lady was significantly better. And I shouldn't really be talking.
I shouldn't be talking skate park confidential stuff. But it was just a funny dynamic.
Because, dude, I was watching this lady. You know when you see people like if you're a girl who skateboards you have like colored hair and you know yeah bosom you probably have 500 000 instagram followers you know that shit translates to instagram so well yeah but uh but they were holding down the skate park pretty hard you dress like the bully from the simpsons like the skull cap and the hair coming yeah like a little skull cap.
Is that Ralph's?

Is Ralph the bully?

No, Ralph's Nelson.

But Nelson's friend.

Nelson's friend is who I was thinking of.

Yeah, yeah.

Doesn't he have a friend that... Nelson is the bully.

I'm thinking of dressing like Nelson, and you were kind of spot on.

But again, I shouldn't.

I'm being a gross pig.

I'm just, you know, there's obviously, you know, I have dual natures.

Yeah, this guy.

I was thinking of Jimbo Jones. Oh, I was thinking more like the other guy.
I feel like all the skater girls look like Jimbo Jones and Dolph Starbeam. It was it's definitely big pants.
But, you know, there was a tank. There's a tank going on.
But the but my whole point was, it's like, you know, again, it's like I'm not trying to be like gross or weird, but it does put a pressure when there's a young lady watching you do

a physical activity.

So I was just like, you know, you're part of there's that part of you that's just kind

of like, bro, I'm killing it.

This is so much better than your boyfriend.

Not a big deal.

So much fucking.

They were way better than me.

But the I like lean forward real quick and just I don't know what happened.

I was going up a hill as I show off.

My skateboard stopped.

You showed off for the girl.

Slammed onto the concrete. I just be like, oh, yeah, dude.
You're trying to show off for the little kids. You're Matt Skate Dusky.
No, they're in their 20s, bro. Hold on.
I got a whiz. Can we take a timeout? This episode is brought to you by Call of Duty.
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I'll be at the Helium Comedy Club in supposedly what's Atlanta, but apparently I've learned it's 40 minutes outside of Atlanta. Oh.
Yeah, a little different there. But it's in the greater Atlanta area.
I'll be there Thursday till Saturday. Please come.
Thank you. I have San Antonio, Dallas, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Vancouver, Seattle, Minneapolis, Tampa, Jacksonville.
Be on the lookout. Let me see who's not selling tickets.
What the heck's going on here? Whoa. Birmingham, Alabama.
I need you. I'll be in Birmingham, Alabama.
April 26th.

What else you got?

Let me just go ahead.

Hey.

Take a knee.

Take a knee.

Take a knee.

Take a knee.

Yeah, man.

Take a knee.

Hey, everybody.

Hello.

It's me, LaMare.

January 16th, I'm going to be a Hilly Philly-um. Hilly Philly.
Come to that. I'm gonna be A Hilly Philly Hilly Philly come to that That'll be safe January 19th The Emmaus Theater please come there Yeah LaMare leave that fun Didn't even flinch at all Walk straight into it In in in las vegas in february please come if

you can thank you in las vegas in february why are you doing it oh nice and coastal creative

in saint pete florida that'll be fun get you down there valentine's weekend oh nice please for the

love of god come if you can bring your sweetheart bring your sweetheart come watch me all right

goodbye thank you let's get back to that fun episode hey sean you know you decide

I'm not going. Come watch me.
All right. Stand up.
Goodbye. Thank you.
Let's get back to that fun episode.

Hey.

Sean.

No, you decide.

Stop rolling your eyes, dude.

God.

I'm just joshing you, bud.

Hot motherfucking damn.

I mean, it's been so wonderful to be back.

It's been nice, man.

To see the fellas.

Fuck, man.

It was, you know, look. It's a cold, mean world out there fuck man it was you know look it's a cold mean world out there bro it is it's a cold mean world but but now they're back now the bros are back bros are back dude morale is fucking soaring at an all-time high it is soaring right now now you're back now you guys run the mothership now that i'm back you guys get to walk around with your chest held a little higher.
You go, do you know who my friend is? He does Bud Light commercials. True.
You guys should start really throwing your weight around. You should, dude.
Why not? You guys got to do battle with the kill Tony crew. Yeah, you guys have to.
We can't do that, dude. Why? You have to battle them.
They think they own you guys. They think.
They think. Yeah, you guys should at least challenge one.
Like a public beef would be nice. Yeah.
Don't get me started, dude. I'll do it.
You will do it. You're going to do it without us even fucking asking and i'm not defending you i'm gonna side with the kill the kill tony crew of mutants versus guard dog you're gonna have to take on the mutants yeah damn yeah i mean definitely 2025 is the year for major moves so it's time for me you guys gotta crack a couple skulls sacrifice some people you guys should i don't mean like physically i mean like yeah you guys should be at least two beefs by the end of the year i'm gonna need some beefs public or or hear me out spaz on the mothership publicly if you don't get enough spots.
Oh, have you been publicly spazzing? No. That's a strong move to be like, this club hates me.
They're not fair. Fuck them.
I have not publicly spazzed. I've independently spazzed.
Privately spazzed. I've privately spazed a lot.

I'm not getting enough stage time.

Such a nice move. Like, yo, for real, I think they fucking hate me.

They hate me over there. You know what the beef?

This is the beef. I'm going to manifest it.
Hans

Kim versus Nate Marshall.

I need that beef.

That'd be a good beef. It's a good beef.
That's a great beef. It's going to be such an easy one to start.
Just immediately have Nate be like, he didn't say shit, but what if he did? Yeah, it'd be fun to get in there. We got to.
We got to start. I'm just taking cues from MAGA, man.
We got to start infighting. Yeah, true.
If you're not infighting, what are you doing? Yeah. We got to pick some point and just start fighting over it, dude.
Dude, was that the thing that ran again? Yeah, that's your air, bro. Your air's back on.
No, there's a fucking creature that lives in my house that sprints across the roof, dude. It literally sounds like a man.
It sounds like it's two feet. It's just like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And then it'll stay still for an hour. And then it'll spread together.
Raccoons, dude. When you get a raccoon on your roof, it sounds like a grown person.
It sounds like a grown man. It's either a raccoon or a possum.
I've seen a couple possums around this way. Possum be nice.
I do like the possums. I've seen them crawl across the fence back there.
That's very nice. RIPR possum, dude.
We had to tear up our little, we had a little Trek stack area that we like tore up and put stone down. And dude, I get like there was possums living under there there's no mexican dudes were like trying to catch them in the t-shirt it was so fucking funny they're fearless dude yeah it was a mother possum and a baby possum oh no you had them executed for your porch hell no no no they were they were just they were sent on an exodus because there was nowhere for them to live yeah but like we were like we ripped it up and it was like, all right, I know there's possums under here, so be careful.
So we didn't know there was a baby. So the mom was just going nuts.
We're like, dude, here's the road to freedom. Get out of here.
And it wouldn't leave. They might have found their way to my roof.
Hopefully. There was a dead possum in the front yard when I first moved here.
And that's why the house smells like shit. It was probably a dead animal.
Yeah. They're good for you, though.
They eat snakes. They eat bugs.
Did you hear it again or something? Oh. No.
Did they move it? No. What, the smell? Yeah.
No, it couldn't be a dead animal on the roof. That smells bad for a year.
Yeah. That's weird.
Dude, Jackson. This is the fart castle the fart castle dude jackson uh god our neighbors put rat poison there's the possum that we had under our porch our neighbors can't stand it because like it just shits it like chills in our yard and shits in their yard yeah i've never even seen possum shit but apparently it was just shitting in their yard shit in their yard hung in our yard that's not that really funny.
So they laid out a ton of rat poison for it, trying to get it.

Who are these people?

There's our neighbors.

They don't want to shit in their yard.

And I was like, hey, man, your yard's your yard.

A dog's going to eat that immediately.

Well, funny you say that.

Jackson gorged.

Of course, Jackson.

We didn't know it was out there.

He was gorging on rat poison?

Jackson gorged on rat poison.

Jesus Christ.

And dude, he lives again. He wants to go.
Quarter pound. No, he just wants to grub.
He does like to grub. He just wants to grub.
He seemingly wants a way out. He just doesn't care, dude.
How's his legs? How's his surgery? His legs good. It went well? Finally, the dude has stopped.
He stopped limping, but then he just instantly gorged on rat. He ate a bunch of chicken bones from the dudes who were working on the porch.
Just threw chicken bones everywhere. So he munched them.
Was like shitting out bones and throwing up. And then like during that crisis, went and just crushed a ton of rat poison.
Tossed a little rat poison on top of the bones. It was crazy.
Brittany called me. I was like doing something.
She's like, Jackson ate rat poison. I was like, Jesus fucking Christ.
He's dead. You would imagine he'd die.
I looked it up. I was like, fuck, all right, let's see here.
I looked it up. You have to eat, I think, at least 5% of your body weight in rat poison to die.
So Jackson, he only had, I was like, how much did he eat? He ate like one puck. Yeah.
Started for the second and got pulled off. But he was throwing up like chicken bones and like lime green rat poison.
It was, bro, it was troubled. It's very funny.
But he's good now. He's cool.
He's like better than ever. Legs working.
I'm always a fan to hear what he's up to. It's never good.
It's never good, bro. It's never good.
He's gotten, he's had three chocolate breakouts, mushrooms once, low dose. Yeah.
Edible rat poison. He's for real a psychonaut.
He's crazy. He's done it all.
He has done it. He truly has done it all.
but dude he uh he's good though he was throwing up for like literally like a week or so then i had to switch his food and everything i gave him i was giving him chicken and rice for like weeks so now i give him like good yeah now i'm feeding him like it's fucking even better than i do chicken and rice it's fucking good yeah because if you have a dog with diarrhea, the rice just like stops him up.

Because he was shitting.

He shit like everywhere the one morning.

We woke up and there was just like puke, puke, shits all in his bed.

And he like pointed his ass out of the cage and just shot him.

So we were like going around and do nothing sours a wife in the morning.

Just like dog shitting.

I mean, it'll get anybody.

Yeah, that would fire me up a little. But yeah, it's it's rough, man.
So that's that's when it's that's your dog. No.
Oh, dude. Yeah.
He couldn't be more mine during that time. Yeah.
Granted, it was both of our idea. But when he shits, I was mine.
But the dude, he actually to her credit, she handled the shit mornings really well because it was the most shit he'd ever done. And it so much.
Bro, there was so many spots. We just set up our Christmas stuff.
It was whatever. But yeah, it was handled pretty well.
So that happened. We're cleaning it up, and my kids are watching me, and they're like, what are you? I'm explaining what's going on.
The one night we went out to see Moana 2, and it was me, Brittany, my, and i didn't know you know we're in the dark so like we have like all everyone has all their stuff she was hitting french fries off britney's plate hitting french fries off my plate no she was working both of us we didn't know that she hit both plates so hard she she ate so many french fries that that morning i go in her room she's just like she's just crying like five in the morning i'm like what's up she's like i did a yucky thing and i was like what are you talking about she's like like i did like jackson did on the carpet and i was she just threw up oh i thought she stuck her ass on diarrhea no but she just threw up all over the floor and she does if you leave her by herself she'll start trying to wipe her own ass and she just smears it it's the fucking worst we had to convince her so we have to get britney was like because i was like going in i'm like don't wipe yourself and then she's like i have a booboo on my giny and i was like what and she's like britney's like i told her she has a booboo on her vagina so she won't try to wipe herself oh nice probably not good for long term to be like your vagina has a wound something's wrong with your vagina yeah Yeah, that might affect long term.

Yeah, well, I've been telling.

But it might be even weirder if you're like, no, honey, your vagina is great.

Yeah, true.

I think you couldn't go wrong being like, it's great.

Women have a massive insecurity about what's up with it.

How is it?

Is it good?

Same.

Yeah, true. Yeah.
I always try to tell my wife i said babe you got nothing to worry about let me get in with it let me gobble that fucking trying to get in and snack a little i've been sweating i'm like bro give me the sweat bro let me eat it all right all right sorry sorry sorry but we're just talking about you know But yeah that's you know so yeah it's it is one of those things where it's like dude when i drop her off to do like her like her daycare and it's like we have to like give her pretzels in order for her to go in and i'm like man this is definitely set up some neural pathways that aren't great to be like oh you're feeling overwhelmed eat some pretzels you'll be fine just munch pretzels but yeah she's peace pump right now she's on she's like on this new thing where she's ariel's mom from little mermaid that's just came up with it out of nowhere and uh yeah she's been hitting me with that every morning yeah what she said weren't you just yeah dude i fucking yeah she woke me up yesterday fucking well my i woke me up at five in the morning and chloe it's six i just never went back to sleep chloe woke up has to pee take her to the bathroom she goes I don't have to pee and I'm like you motherfucker and then I'm like all right come to bed with me no talking go to sleep she's like yeah for sure lays down next to me dude you get like two seconds of silence and you're just like you know something's coming and out of nowhere she's like yeah I'm Ariel's mom and I'm like dude shut up and go to bed stop and then like she'll just and then like you'll squash that and you'll feel just a hand just like whap right in your eye you're sick in the dark so I'm like ow fuck and she's like I'm like dude let's get downstairs I'm done we're not gonna try to fall asleep it is that was been like bugging me out lately with like because it really is people like you know having kids like it's the best thing in the world and it like it is it's very it's like uncomparable to anything else but then you break down like what you're actually doing it's like insane it's like dude like literally like i've gotten shit on a couple times yeah peed on i mean dude i had like peed on underwear it's like when chloe pees in the toilet she likes to like really see what she's doing but then she'll arch her back so the pee shoots out look at what was going on i've done this to myself as an adult when you like poop and you pee through the toilet and so it hit the back of your pants done it yeah she did it we were out doing like something and she peed all over her fucking pants luckily it hit her just her underwear so i was like fuck i didn't have a change of clothes yeah so i just took her like pee underwear and just like put in my pocket i forgot they were in there so my whole point is you're doing all this shit i have like pee underwear in my pocket i'm being shit on and it's like when you break it down by the task by like task by task you're like how is this the best thing in the world and really it's just the power of love it is the power of my whole point is if love is truly that powerful what are we doing with our lives truly such a powerful force the best thing in the world is literally the most servile and disgusting tasks and just zero free time makes you think dude it does it truly makes you think but it also having free time rules so it's crazy dude free time's pretty sick although too much free time realize how sick it is until it gets taken away from you. Too much free time, though.
Forever. I just had too much free time.

True. Once we finished filming Tires, and then I was just in Westchester.

Nothing to do.

That is true.

People don't understand that, man.

That sucks.

That, like, drives you crazy.

The pinging silence of, like, hours upon hours of personal free time is kind of fucked up.

An empty house, silent.

And then, like, I'll just go across the street and walk along the creek. That's chill.
It was nice. That's chill.
But it was also dead silent out there. You walk back in your house.
It's a giant, silent, old fucking house from the 1700s. I'm just standing in there like, fuck.
I gotta do stand-up. That gets so disorienting.
We're like, what am I gonna do? The sun goes down at fucking 2 p.m. Yeah.
I'm just standing there in the dark. The haunted house.
The house makes noises. I'm scared now.
And it's dark for 10 straight hours. It's dark.
I'm awake. The whole time it's dark.
It's scary. I'm scared for hours.
And it was remote too. It was very remote.
It was very remote. And I was very scared.
And there's like animals. I remember I was out there in one night.
Bro, I'd go outside. I'd piss outside a lot.
It's awesome. It was very nice.
The stars were out. It was very nice.
was very scared and there's like and i remember i was out there one bro i'd go outside i'd piss outside a lot it's awesome it was very nice the stars were out was very nice but there was always a fox screaming yeah and then it would get closer and scream closer you gotta fucking hurry you piss out run inside because i'm not sure it's a fox we have a coyote we have a coyote near us your ears start yelping you're like yeah and the same thing we're outside i have my little uh makeshift fire pit in my in the lot that pray to god they'd never build a house there they're definitely going to though but dude i've taken it over you took over a lot and put a fire pit yeah i just put like i had like stone left over from when we did that little like patio area so i just like set up build on it's just a lot behind my house and it's like squatting you're settling technically i could do an easement yeah i could be like hey man look i told i was still britney i was gonna chain myself down to my fire pit or i might go try to find old bones from a museum steal them and just bury them in there and be like you can't touch this land we can't build anything on here yeah but i've been uh dude i burnt my christmas tree do you know how flammable those things are? Yeah. I'm sure, I guess that's common knowledge.
They like burn houses down. Dude, I was, you know, I had like my little wood.
I had it going on. I'm like, let me just throw like a branch and some needles.
You would have thought I'd put gasoline on the fire. So then I chopped it up into three parts.
And I'm putting branches. That's how you got rid of your Christmas tree? Yes, burn it.
It was so fucking sick. Dude, I put one, like, say, a third of a Christmas tree on a fire.
It got, I'm not lying, maybe 12 feet up. The flame was 12.
The flame was so bright that the street lights turned off. Jesus.
The photo sensors kicked on, and it was like, oh, it's daytime. You were going nuts.
Dude, did I show you the flame? No. Bro, the flame is so fucking nasty.
Sorry, I was doing crazy. I had a couple fires.
I had some fires going. Bro, I'm telling you.
I spent most of my time standing outside looking for drones. That was a fun nighttime task.
I would go, ooh, there's no clouds tonight. I'm going to go try to find drones.
If you got a sighting, that would have been nasty. I saw several planes that I stood there for 10 minutes watching.
You just be like, no it could be. It doesn't seem to possibly be UAP.
God damn it. I've seen many fucking pictures.
Here we go. Dude, that's me.
Dude, Maya takes fucking videos of me. That's me on the Peloton.
Dude, sorry, I got to find these flames. Excuse my fucking.
No, find the flames. the flames you're gonna for real you're gonna get a little taken aback and go dude oh bro that was the blaze what are you doing that's a third of a christmas tree next year i'm lighting the whole thing up bro is that are your neighbors out or is this just you and your family just me and and the family.
Just me and the family. The neighbors must be like, what the fuck? So our neighbors aren't there a lot.
They split time between like two different cities and they they've gotten fire alerts. They have like a security camera.
Oh, no. That was like, is there a fire nearby? Because their phone got pinged like we detected fire.
But then the house next to me, this boggles my mind. They bought the place, and nobody's lived in there for a year.
A year and some change. Yeah, build some stuff in there.
You should just expand throughout your neighborhood. That's what I'm trying to say, dude.
You should start setting up chill spots. My thing is, who fucking buys a house and doesn't use it? Like, there's no renters? Yeah.
Then the one next to us, us same thing but they just started throwing airbnb people in there and it's uh which is kind of sick because i get to like look at the chinese i dude i yeah it's buying up land but i feel like i've met i think it was a couple indians actually so i met the indians who did it and i'm like you know i was kind of stoked i've always i've never had indian neighbors so i was like fuck yeah they left me high and dry bro my sister's running into a big problem with indian neighbors i went there i was by there for christmas no lights oh her whole neighborhood's indian people bro that would kind of chat my ass it's like bro come on it's a little rough toss up light up some fucking v-shirts dude nobody's cutting the grass yeah it's wild everyone's holding hands walking outside or they hold everyone's outside or the boss indian dudes let their wife the wives walk like five feet ahead of them that's the move where it's an indian lady and then the husband's five feet behind her hands behind his back they did get that right that's nice going on a walk with your lady blows stagger it try to hold hands or something it's like i'm walking yeah hey i'm walking here what is three-legged race and then you get like a narrow part of the path and you slow down to let her go first then she slows to instinctively stops yeah you go no yeah this is a single file part of the path it's dude i we have some nice like little walking areas and we've done we like we've done the walks and it's uh the only thing that could be nice if you do like a super long grueling walk, because there's nothing better than being like, are you tired? That is nice. That can be nice.
I hit my lady with one of those recently. I was like, God damn, I've been sitting around.
How the fuck am I the one that's not tired at all? I got crushed the other day. When I found out I was pre-diabetic on the blood test, fucking bullshit, dude, my A1C will be lower.
I'm sure it is already. If it's not, I'm going to die.
Because I've literally cut out 90% of carbohydrates. But when we first had two kids, we'd had this double stroller in Philly.
We'd push it up hills. And Brittany would get for real winded.
Yeah, of course. And she'd always be like, I've got to go there's something going on i'm like yeah dude you're fucking out of shape and like she's still salty about that comment but the uh and then like she got some blood tests where like they really did reveal some sort of like irregularity about like i don't know what it was but she was like you fucking asshole i told you there was something they were saying like the side effect could be like getting winded easily and i was like damn that's my bad instantly called out the i'm like you're faking it yeah of course yeah she crushed she danced in the end zone on me on that she's like you're such a especially like you don't realize how things sound until like she's telling other couples or people yeah what she said you're like well hold on let's put the context in there yeah this asshole just said yeah it's because you're out of shape and i was like well i was concerned

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