Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)

The Wild Wild West. And we are beginning.
Thank you guys for coming. God damn, Giannis Papas, Chris Ocefano, the history hyenas, dude.
Thank you guys for coming. We're here.
Thank you. I'm pumped, dude.
Thank you. Thanks for having us.
And I just want to say, because the last I was on the show a couple of weeks ago, a month ago, Giannis, and I just want to say to all your fans out there, say something about my hair now. Look at my hair now, dude.
You guys were talking shit, saying I had no hair product in. My hair was flat what what about now it looks great right dude now i look like a 60s crooner and look at yannis's hair dude i look great that looks good that's painted on yeah that looks good yeah the wave right so i just want to make sure everybody fucking knows true what's up and i'd like to say yeah i'd like to say um it's good to be here in Republican Hollywood.
And yes, the candidate over here and the candidate over here. They got bad hair.
They're no good for you. I will make it.
So barbecue is available for everybody in this city at all times. And I just always wanted to stand at a podium and feel like I'm in a primary.
It feels good, doesn't it? It feels fucking powerful. I know.
I want to almost go like, yes, I said, yes i said you feel it now you feel the fucking dude being white and standing behind this podium is it's ideas right now i'm telling you man not that i've ever agreed with anything that hitler said and i despise the nazis and what they did but if you just want to ai listen to hitler speeches in english and just change out the words from germany America in your head, you'll get really pumped up for the day. Yeah.
That guy just knew how to light a fire under you, dude. Really? The way that he would speak about Germany was like, I fucking get it, man.
Yeah. It was like they tied to their like mythic folklore of like the German here and all that stuff.
And yeah, that would for sure get anyone pumped. He was telling people like if you die in battle, you're going directly to Valhalla and you're going to ride a valve like you know you're riding like you know eagles there and it's just like he was like you know germany one germany is verse england right now germany's verse great britain you know at that moment when they're in that war and he says we are two superpowers and what the only way to win is one of us is going to have to be destroyed and it will not be germany and the crowd goes nuts you're like fuck yeah oh my god i started putting on my fucking boots yeah i wasn't ready he has an outfit he has an outfit yeah it is yeah you can always give the devil his due like everyone's always like he's a fucking failed artist no one liked him it's like people like them dude no the kid he was a closer i mean he was a headliner you can't he was the guy when he went up you're like all right we should only do another show two days from now yeah yeah let people kind of settle yeah he was talking i think he gelled the hair but i think he left the front flap i think he knew the effectiveness of the flat front it was a tail it was a tail fan and then i always loved when he did that afterwards yeah he's just gathered himself and he did that.
What I like about standing up, too, is this is a fit city. You can just get your calf raises in while you're...
You can. And that's why I think you did it, dude.
It's just like a workout. I know.
I was tired of sitting around all day. What's up with all the gay art over here? I thought it was visually striking.
This is nice. Someone...
My friend told me about this painting. I'm like, I looked it up.
I was like, perfect. Yeah.
I just wanted something kind of intense. Well, I was telling you on the plane, he's a guy, he jerks off to erotic poetry.
So this kind of goes with it. Yeah.
Which I've started doing now, by the way. The erotic is nice.
So you kind of like us have a little bit of a female brain. Yes.
100%. Because you like the imagination.
Yeah. Exactly.
Well, you know, that's not uncommon amongst us. We are performers.
And here's the thing. Yeah.
If you're a performer and you get into the arts, you at least got n you at least got nicked by the gay gene you got nicked some people get fully clipped like mateo lane we got nicked yes yeah yes we got nicked we got nicked gives us our eye and we all got nicked we all got nicked and our wives and girls they all know that we're kind of like out of their friend group like they're like they're proud of us but they're like my husband's kind of gay yeah and they just accept it yeah yeah i dude it's it's like embarrassing i don't know what to do like i was talking just like talking sports i don't follow it at all so that it like it makes me feel really gay when other men are like dude you uh blah blah i'm like i don't when you told me that the last time i came on the show it's something that i i swear to god there's you know like you know i'm 40 now you wake up you have to pee or whatever and there's been multiple times in the past like months since i've been on your show i've woken up like i can't believe matt doesn't know anything about sports and i've just been thinking about it because you're such a guy who you look at this guy this is this guy you're like he's going to be like an nfl broadcaster and he doesn't know i mean he has a headset on like tony romo right now i love playing sports i love playing sports like i played football basketball and i'll still play sports i just i can't bear to follow them i don't care it's amazing because like you look it's funny to see like physically you play i like to play sports god gave you a body for sports but then this is your brain yeah these paintings this is what it is this real is a great representation he laughed at us i think when he made it he's like dude i'm gonna make this matt one i'm gonna put him outside philly i'm gonna make him look like an athlete but then i'm just gonna have fucking paintbrushes and and you know just gay stuff in his brain and i think they laugh yeah and right now you do look like a high school like offensive coordinator with that headset on yeah i look the part yeah i look like a cop i really look you know the only thing you'll be is like robert frost's uh the road less traveled is a beautiful poem guys i know yeah i know you look like a good cop too yeah you really do i think i would have been a decent cop. You would have been a decent cop.
And I think you also would have been a good – you're a really good coach that you would have – if you did fuck around with a kid, it was like in the 80s. Right.
It wasn't anything recent. Right.
I hear what you're saying. You know what I mean? So like one of those things like you were doing it when everybody was doing it.
I was young. But you kind of had the – you had the thoughts where you realized it was wrong in like the 90s.
Right. Which is way ahead of most most people he did it at a time where the parent would have sided with you and not yes yeah yes yeah it's just what being a catholic he taught you football so yes he was a good guy yeah we had a uh i went to a basketball camp uh it was called bucky gills basketball camp in chichester and he was the coach of the girls high school team and he got he got around he was like apparently like well they're in this was the rumor i should say that he was like opening the shower curtain he's like spraying them with soap he was like back there partying with the wow dude and then but it all we all had his basketball camp shirts we everyone went there yeah but then when he got in trouble for it we'd all wear the shirt we thought it was funny we'd all wear the shirt but with but with girls but to me with girls are you all right yeah no i'm googling this story that's gonna blow your guys mind okay yeah with girls though with girls i almost like obviously it's fucked up but it's not it's like it's it's that's rare it's normally always it's always boys getting clipped it's usually always the boys getting clipped i know i was in two situations two situations.
I went to Penn State football camp when I was a kid.

Never got clipped.

Never saw Jerry Sandusky, but never got clipped.

And then there was another guy in Christ the King,

basketball coach Bob Oliva, that also went down for that stuff.

And I never got clipped by him.

And I was many, many times in the gym, just him and I,

because my mom had to work.

So I was the kid that I would get dropped off.

My mom would pay extra to drop me off at basketball camp

at like 7 a.m., 45 minutes before, because she had to get to work. And was just him and i and he never did anything never clipped me at all and i know like the hack joke what people say is like oh what about me whatever like yeah yeah you know but i genuinely had like feelings about it i was like am i ugly wait a second yeah like i really would talk to my therapist about it it's the opposite i think you're i think when you're like a jack strong kid they know they're like no this kid might they won't yeah well you know what i think bob oliva and these people saw in me they were like this guy will kiss me back and that's not what i want i don't know if this has ever happened on a podcast but i just realized that i got clipped when did you get clipped you got clipped i think i just got clipped what happened you started talking i was like you got hit i think that's how it works that's how it works you don't remember yeah tell us about it I gotta brace myself tell us about wait this is the exact position I was in I think I got banged who'd you get banged out by someone made you an artist I think Saint Saviors I think somebody turned me into the arts no I'm kidding but dude there's this crazy story where my uh my brother went to poly prep you know poly prep in Bayridge anyone can look up this story there was this brother openly gay man.
Openly gay man. Openly gay man.
Big time hotshot attorney, but a full- I mean, as gay as gay. Gayer than your painter.
Your brother's a gay attorney. He's a $3 bill gay.
Which is what messes with him because he's got the- You know, his brother got hit hard with it. So he's like, how much of this gay gene did I get nicked with? If literal, I came out of the same womb, which might be just a tainted gay womb yeah true and it's

like were we really wrestling that whole time yeah yes so i get i get his pain yeah what was really happening but dude this this story is crazy philip foglietta was his name and he was a legendary football coach at poly prep and he molested he had he had a legendary program that Like they were like incredible.

The community supported them.

Whatchamacallit, the mobs, what was the mob guy? Oh, what, John Gotti? No, before him. John Gotti, Paul Castellano.
Before him. The Gambino crime family.
Gambino. Carlo Gambino.
Carlo Gambino's kid carlo yeah it was the most italian thing his son went there and this kid clipped like hundreds of kids real hundreds of kids for so long and it finally came out and like so many kids got clipped and it was happening like in front of kids they had jokes about it but it was just back in that era but he was like he was like a gangster too he no he was just a legendary football oh i thought you're saying he was a part of like gambino's son went to that school he didn't i don't think he got clipped i thought he was i don't want to say that he was clipping kids and being like forget about it yeah he was like a little cannoli cream yeah he was like the last guy anyone would expect but he would take kids and he put them in his did it in the most Italian way. Right.
He's like, let's go get some Zeppelis, kid. You're fucking, you're a good lineman.
Right. And I'm like, let me see a penis.
All right. Yeah.
This will help you. You want to start? Yeah.
Yeah. It happens.
That sucks. But what is, what do we think? Because obviously, you know, the guys, that happens a lot.
The Sanduskies of the world. These, the F these the foglietters whatever but like women they women teachers have sex with this male students like it's rampant and they get caught all the time but if you talk if you all you have to do i encourage you at home go home and just ask like three or four people if they know someone and they all know someone yeah who maybe they're having the woman hasn't gotten arrested but they know like I know know in high school, my friend bang the teacher.
It was confirmed. It happened.
She never got arrested for it. It never came out to the public.
It never will. But it's so what is that? Do we know why they don't get in trouble? Why do they constantly do that? Why are they always hot? Always.
So I think it goes down to or comes down to like a lot of women's television is still centered around high school. Like even like, you know, like there's always, in my opinion, a lot of those soaps have like a heavy high school romance element to it.
Right. Like women constantly watch high schoolers like make out and have sex.
It's part of a lot. That's a good call.
I never thought about that. Like Euphoria.
That was a big one was a big one dude all like the you know fucking just all those like soapy dramas a lot of them are centered around high school love and that's like a thing for them it's like the the meeting when like a boy and a girl first like they finally kiss and meet yeah like their brains like you don't think it's payback though for like centuries and centuries and centuries of 50 or 40 year old dudes just marrying 11 year olds and now girls are finally like you know what i'm gonna bang this 16 year old just to pay back what guys have been doing to us for so long yeah like i'm gonna be a pedophile yeah yeah that's crazy they got they came so far that they can be pedophiles yeah yeah they just tell you know that we're equal now yeah you think trump will change the law and just let boys be have a legal age at like 13. You could just fucking clip them all day.
Just for boys? Just for boys. You think Trump will just be like, these kids, these boys really don't give a shit.
It's their moms getting in the way. I mean, honestly, if I was 15 and I, if I was 15 and I actually, I'm sorry.
No, I lost my virginity at 17. But then I was 17 and banged a woman in her 30s.
So that's technically a crime, i don't care yeah she doesn't i i would never it would never make a difference to me yeah but if i was a girl i might get older and be like i got yeah seduced was she a babysitter or a family friend or she was a family friend that's crazy you knew that she's a family friend wow i told you maybe i told you she was a family friend the thing about the women's awesome yeah that's pretty cool they they don't they always do it like that they even do it in a woman way like they get to know you first you talk to them yeah well guys just snatch up and put you in the car women are like yeah let's see you're my i'm gonna give you spanish lessons after class right yeah you're my little buddy they do it a little more emotionally yeah but that's the thing though the problem is as then as a 17 year old you can get like sucked into like adult get sucked into adult kind of dynamics. Say she's cheating on her husband.
That's a crazy thing to get a kid in the middle of. That's a tough one.
Although, to be fair, I don't know. Would you rather, if you were to be cuckolded, would you rather it be a young boy? No, I'd like you to be a black guy with a big dick.
Yeah. You just want to go straight to the source.
I just wanted to know that it's, and I'll give it to her.

I'll be like,

I get what you need.

Do you know the rest of that whole field?

Do you know the myth

of the black guys

with the big dick?

Do you know where

that comes from?

The black guy.

From their dicks.

Well, no,

they absolutely,

you play basketball,

guys,

the biggest things

I've seen are,

it's fucking crazy.

I know, dude.

Shut up, Tim Fudd.

Can you cackle that?

Yeah.

Just put a mute

over that.

Yeah, Tim Fudd.

Big dicks.

He named a real name.

I'm sorry. It's fucking crazy.
Shut up, Tim Fudd. Can you cackle that? Yeah.
Just put a mute over that. Yeah, Tim Fudd.
Big dicks. He named a real guy.
I named a real guy with a fucking dick. I mean, if you saw this thing, you're going, what? He's a mutant? What is this? Big Cox.
Tails from the locker room? Yes. I know, dude.
The locker room for me, I went to an all-boy Catholic high school, and I remember the boy, obviously the players, everyone going in there butt naked, and I would go in with the bathing suit shorts on because you know i'm a little embarrassed but then i remember the older kids would be like take off the bathing suit shorts what are you fucking gay like isn't it gayer if my dick and balls are out with the rest of you but the black but the black dick thing so supposedly supposedly i think this i think this might have been like 1600s late 1600s when like the first waves of waves of like African slaves started to come over. The men, the white men were so scared that they were going to, because they were how muscular they were, that their wives were just going to bang them left and right.
They said that their dicks were so big, but it was a negative thing back then. Like they're going to kill you and you're going to get killed by them.
Like that's a weapon. But then then but then it became like we want the big dick but back then the big dick wasn't frowned upon yeah it was like a negative thing it was a bad thing in ancient greece if you had like a real small just flaccid penis people would be like what a astonishing man i got so nervous that's why that's why these sculptures medieval sculptures are all little flaccid penises because that was beautiful yeah you were smart i got so scared just watching him at that podium when he said African slaves.
I was like, I hope this finishes good. Just the podium is just kind of like you're going, all right, let's just.
It's such a funny thing to be like, oh, those huge muscular exotic guys. Yeah, well, trust me, they got huge dicks.
You want anything to do? Yeah, Maggie. Some guy raised like his pint of ale like, I got it.
I know. But dude, it turns out that they do.
They do. they do i mean not all of them but the ones that are big are like big and like the chinese guys you i mean we've all seen the porn it's just some of it is genetic no you could look this up the science though says as far as like penis length the african culture black people in general don't have bigger dicks than anybody else wow if you look at the science of it.
Well, if you saw their condom studies,

they released the data,

and it wasn't the average.

It wasn't as big as you would thought in terms of like compared.

It's not that much bigger on average.

They just had a couple of 13, 14 inches.

But I think their outliers do.

I think they kind of.

Right.

I don't know.

It's also crazy to be white

and have like a huge.

That's kind of something unsettling about that.

Yeah, I remember like when Pete Davidson.

I'd get it reduced. I remember like when Pete Davidson got really, really.
You i remember like when pete davidson got really really you would get reduced you get a reduction i would take it right back to where i'm at now i'd be like this is crazy yeah i remember when pete davidson got like you know like really famous and started to like blow up and everyone was saying how big of a dick he has whatever and like all these comedians were like making tiktoks like dude i could confirm i saw it i started comedy with them i was like he started comedy he was was 16. Yeah what happened there? Yeah I knew him way back in Most Famous.
I can confirm that cock dude I saw it in high school bro. I'm in my 40s.
He was 12 yeah. I didn't know people did that that's crazy.
No it was crazy I was literally seeing people be like stop don't phrase it like that. Say it like I saw it a week ago.
But if you said when we did a road gig together and he just pulled it out, I'm like, yeah, dude, the kid started at 16. His mom used to call me and make sure that he was like being OK on the road because he was a child.
Yeah. You got to be like, dude, his dick's huge.
Yeah, exactly. I'm like, Mrs.
Davidson, he's fine. His dick's wrapped around my neck, though.
How do we stop this? Do I have to feed it? It is funny to ride the wave of just someone else's dick. He's like, yeah, I saw it.
And you're going to catch me on the road at a... Just put your dates across the shaft of his dick, of the pic you have from when he's 18.
Yeah, for your dick to get a legend of its own must be kind of cool. Oh, yeah.
I mean, his has it. I mean, no doubt about it, his has it.
But my next... You ready for this? My call, though, my next call for just the new absolute Coxman is going to be Marcelo from Ethnum.
I think Marcelo's the next Coxman big. He's like the Latino Pete Davidson.
Imagine Pete, all the power Pete has, but on top of that, you're fucking Latino? Unstoppable. How do you stop that? This episode is brought to you by Call of Duty.
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Rated M for Mature. Although Pete's vague ethnicity is kind of powerful as well.
That's true, Till. You're like, you don't know what that guy.
You're like, yeah you're like yeah whatever man could be black he looks like a black guy who bleached his skin he looks he looks like sammy sosa yeah he's just a white guy yeah he's just a white guy dude he's a from staten island he's a fireman son he's like as white as he yet white working class as he yet but he does have a black face yeah and he's got the cock to match supposedly yeah allegedly does yeah it's definitely not small no he made it to the halls of kardashian Yeah. That's just the cock to match.
Supposedly. Yeah.
Allegedly. Allegedly does.
It's definitely not small. No way.
It made it to the halls of Kardashian. Yeah.
That's a big. That's just.
What a live party. That pool party must be crazy.
Yeah. There's a certain length to get into that party that's been established as a precedent that was set that he had to meet.
He had to meet. Yeah.
Yeah. You got to have a dick that size.
You have to have 50 Bitcoin. One or the other.
Yeah. Kim Kardashian, you know, you know, when you go on the rides, your kid goes to a ride and the ride says, you got to be this tall.
Kim Kardashian just goes and measures your dick. You can come into this ride.
You got to put it on a digital scale. But it's crazy because I'm like, you know, as men's minds, I think we all still think in our minds, like, oh, maybe one day we can hook up with Kim Kardashian, too, even though we have no chance and no desire to.
I saw her in real life one time. What did you think? It was just happenstance.
She's way shorter than you think, but it was for real. It was like, I went, oh.
Yeah. I was stunned.
Dude, I felt that way two weeks ago. I did a show at Lucali's Pizzeria, a very famous pizzeria in Brooklyn.
Some of the best pizza, probably the best pizza in New York. And besides Joe and John's, my local pizzeria.
Shout out Ridgewood, Queens, baby uh but ann hathaway was in the second row of the show and when i tell you the most gorgeous woman i've ever seen in my life besides of course my girlfriend and obviously she's way hotter duh but ann hathaway was it literally to the point where i would do a joke i would be like you know she was sitting over here and i'd be like scanning the room and I'd do a joke and I'd hit the punchline and I would, you know, like people would be laughing and I would slowly go like this and just make, like almost like, is she laughing? And there was a couple of times I saw her laugh and I swear to God, dude, I got butterflies in my heart. I was like, oh my God.
And then you have this fantasy, like she's going to come out here and be like, you know, you were so great. Like, why don't we just like, why don't you talk talk to your wife and i'll talk to my husband you and i could just be together and they'll allow it and we could just be together and and it'll be great and you we could do movies together but like our wives and husbands don't care and they're actually they're actually cheering it on supporting yeah you know and then you and then i just drive home and then you're like depressed that like she didn't you know dm you and.
Check your DMs. And then you're like, fuck, man, I guess I suck.
Do you remember when we were in that sushi? She's probably thinking about you right now. A hundred percent, dude.
She's probably watching our show, History Hyenas. Yeah, she probably is.
She's probably a big fan. She's probably on the Patreon.
She's probably on the Patreon. You never know.
Do you remember when we were in that sushi restaurant in LA with Tim Dillon? Oh, yes. Yes.
This is a great story, dude. So Emma Stone was in there and she went to the bathroom.
No, but wait,annis you're missing a key part you you let me just set this up yeah we're in this very famous sushi restaurant with tim it's me yanni and tim dillon and tim dillon 20 minutes before is telling us how much emma stone hates him oh that's right he's telling us emma stone despised him and me and yannis are listening but we're kind of be like this is maybe tim's just like making it a bigger deal. Maybe Emma Stone.
There's no way that Emma Stone hates him. And we were like, maybe Emma Stone doesn't even know who any of us are.
We don't know. But we were like, whatever.
And then go ahead. And then she was in the restaurant.
Like in a movie, 20 minutes later, actual Emma Stone walks in. And yeah.
Yeah. And I think she came in for, this was my serendipitous moment.
She came in because I think she's the most gorgeous thing in the world i love how big her eyes are i like pale women uh except for my wife my wife's the most beautiful absolutely half greek but she was smoke show mrs poppus she went to the bathroom she went to the bathroom and i just saw it as an opportunity to be in the bathroom after emma stone oh so she went to the bathroom came out and then i went to the bathroom and i did not sniff or see you did i did not but sure but i did sit down and pee that's perfect i did sit down and pee yeah but yeah that's so nice but and that and then also that's not creepy right no yeah no but any guy would have done that dude yeah i mean you would have done that right 100 yeah you can't stand to pee was she just a little bit cooler than like the average it just smelled so good in there yeah i just remember how good the bathroom smells she's just average and i just sat and i was like this is just where emma stone peed and then it felt great but emma then did she flush it'd be that'd be nice if you peed on her peed that would have been that would have been incredible imagine she shit in the sink how great would that would have been you just thought it is a turd in the sink but she walked past us and was like holy shit emma stone and then she came back the other because tim was sitting with his back chairs. But then when she came back out of the bathroom, she walked and looked at Tim.
And I saw her go like that. So it confirmed everything he said.
It could have just been the way he was eating. Just like.
What was her beef? Why the fuck would she? Something with Tim. You know, because Tim's hilarious.
I think Tim fucked her husband. Yes.
I think that's what happened. No husband yes tim's hilarious on social media and i think he was tweeting like you know hilarious

shit but maybe like shitting on an emma stone movie you know that happens you know that's what

just makes me think about celebrity is it worth it to just like you know emma stone the poor girl

she just went into the bathroom to take a piss and then there was this guy that went in there

and just sat down and peed after her yeah and i'm telling it on a big podcast i'm sorry i'm sorry

i'm sorry i did you did nothing wrong i did nothing wrong i don't think it's not i didn't do it feel a hot lady's body heat on the toilet yeah but it's creepy a little bit now i'm sorry i'm taking on my phone i just want to make sure my hair's still good because these fans are just fucking unbelievable it looks great dude all right we're good dude it's not you guys can't stop me it's creepy what i want to do is hang an ornament right off that christopher reeves curl yeah just right there that would be actually what do you think of that that's nice yeah that'd be really nice yeah just a mistletoe yeah just put it right there and get some right on the fucking mouth well here i just by the way i just looked out my i just looked out my phone to like you know like see my hair and then i i just looked at like a quick text and i'm have a special coming out for hulu uh in february and i just got a text from like the person who like runs it like hey we we we really need to have a special coming out for Hulu in February. And I just got a text from like the person who like runs it.
Like, hey, we really need to have a conversation. So just call me when you can.
I'm like, here we go. It's over, baby.
It's over. There it is, folks.
And it's gone. Yeah.
Just like the way, you know, I just think it's done now. So this will be a fun next 30 minutes for me to just know it's done.
Just waiting. Just waiting.
And then calling her not calling me back for a week that would have been weird if it was emma stone who texted imagine like whoa that would have been yeah i so i would that's that's very funny it's funny you have to sit with that for the next half an hour just deal with it here's my thing i don't think it's that that's like that's like a mercy because it's creepy would have been like waiting right by the door to try to do like a rom-com like oh sorry oh my god like oh crazy hey I'm honest do I know you yeah she probably gets people that like want to take pieces of her hair her skin if the worst thing about you you want to sniff her toilet seat after she goes to the bathroom she might be like we can actually go on dates I didn't sniff her seat not sniff not sniff feel the warmth feel the warmth of her. You would have done the same as what you're saying? Yeah.

We're going to waste it.

You know, like, look, that's her body heat.

Yeah.

It's going to just fade up or you can just enjoy it before it gets like inducted back up.

There's no rule against it.

I have to go to the bathroom and it happens to be Emma Stone and I want to just sit in your body heat.

I'll do that.

I mean, you didn't like jerk off.

No, but I mean, but even if he would have, it's his.

I didn't do anything.

Yeah, it's his space.

But I didn't do anything.

But I have not bathed the bottom half of my body since. Yeah.
So she's with me. I don't know if that's creepy.
She's with me. Yeah.
I mean, you did absorb her body heat. Part of her does live inside of you.
I mean, I do hang out outside her house a lot and take photos. But that's a different thing.
Yeah. Public property.
Girls love that stuff, man. Yeah.
I'm happy that you said that. They do.
Because girls, as like the world we live in we're like do not objectify me feminism they want you to tell them how hot they are at all times and you want they you love like they'll be like that's so weird but if they're like say they took a dump and it kind of stinks if you just stood in the bathroom you're like they're like oh my god get out of here yeah i fucking love that i fucking love it yeah i fucking love that yeah dude whatever if you know when i wake up next to my girl if she's like you know i try to like kiss her in the morning she's like no stop she has morning breath and i just fucking burrow in there like a gopher she loves it yeah dude they love it yeah it's a thin line it's a thin line between uh complimenting them and creepiness it's a thin line well there's actual in stench in the stink of men and women i think there's actual um what's the like for aphrodisiac? Pheromones. There's actual pheromones in that.
Correct answer. Yeah.
Yep. Boom.
200. I don't know why your thing went off.
It's fucking bullshit. I think that's a fact.
I think that's what we call on the History of the News, a truth bait or Ginsburg. Yeah.
That there's pheromones. There's pheromones inside stench that actual, like what you're supposed to have stinky sex i think

so the best sex are you sure or is that just something jim norton told you because he likes

to get women's shit on his chest that's what jim norton told me after after he was like just drink

this no i do i agree if i still to this day if i smell like um like when women put on no women put on deodorant but their body odor still comes through a little bit that smell drives me like 08

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001 When women put on deodorant, but their body odor still comes through a little bit, that smell drives me absolutely insane. I love a girl with pit smell.
It's a little bit. I fucking love it, dude.
It's a little bit through the deodorant. It's just like, fuck, I love that.
Do you like a girl with a little bit of fumes? Yeah. I honestly don't mind it.
You don't mind it at all? I'm talking about fumes? Yeah. I don't mind a little bit.
Fumes. Are you talking about coming off a box? Yeah.
I'm talking about a little fumes. It depends on the fumes.
I prefer... Here's the's the thing i can take if it's like pungent but just like kind of like bold spices but if there's the fish smell yeah can't do it can't do that but there are girls what we say on our show is there are girls though that we call swim throughs where you will swim through they're so hot where you'll swim through fumes just to bang that like like if kim kardashian had fumes she'd be considered a swim through yeah yeah she'd be considered a swim through for rome meaning what we mean by that is She'd swim through her fumes just to bang her out.
Like if Kim Kardashian had fumes, she'd be considered a swim through. She'd be considered a swim through for Rome.
Meaning, what we mean by that is you'd swim through her fumes just to bang her out and then for Rome, meaning if we were living in ancient society, she would be taken for the Roman Empire, ripped away from her mom and dad and she would be part of the harem of King Giannis. That's how hot she is.
That's what it would be. Of Emperor Giannis.
And you'd probably fix, that'd be nice to like take a girl like that and then fix her fumes back in Roman times. Right.
But in that was chilled and be like dude i'm gonna fix your fumes dude in roman times that was a real worry like you fix your fumes it's like a shop in roman fix your fumes ground from the ground up dude in roman times that was a real worry like imagine being a father and you know your daughter's like 16 and a smoke show you're like this girl's gonna get taken for rome the emperor's gonna come and take her when they come to our town they're gonna take her for the harem and I can't do anything yeah and that's just nothing I know for a fact if I was an emperor that's just unfortunately that's what I would do yeah well I would just roll around my chariot and go do you think though but back then I think it was kind of like if your daughters got snatched up by an emperor you'd be like fuck yeah dude yeah I five your wife and like we fucking did it well they did if they snatch you up according to the research we've done, if they've snatched up your daughter for Rome, which is a real thing, you would get a tax break. So it's like, you know? We're that girl? Yeah, you don't have to fucking hit taxes that year because we took your kid.
So what are you going to do? We got a deduction. Do it for your family.
It's a write-off. That's a really great Republican platform point.
It's like, you guys want lower taxes? Give me your daughter. Dude, I think Olympic athletes that win gold medals should get no, pay no taxes for a lot.
I think, I think that's true because you're not going to get any money. So my thing is like, if you win the gold medal for us, no taxes.
I like that idea. Right.
And you're at a podium. I think it's great.
That's it. I didn't realize they get fucked over so bad.
Hell yeah. Spend your whole life doing that.
And then it's just like, then they don't give a fuck about silver medal. I guess you can start like your own type of lessons back home you gotta be like a super like Simone Biles gets money yes Michael Phelps got real money whoever gets the bronze medals and work there until he's not and it's so impressive you're like you know you're like the third best person in the world it's like yeah dude they should you're right they shouldn't pay taxes that's my and then I military shouldn't pay taxes yeah and I think if you That's my...
And then military shouldn't pay taxes, dude. And I think if you did the right thing in November, you shouldn't pay taxes.
And I did the right thing. My opponent here, he thinks nobody should pay taxes.
I believe that the government should pay for gender reassignment surgery. That's my position.
That's what it is. Yeah.
That's my position. Yanni is the last.
I think that's my position. Gender reassignment.
Dude, we met with our driver yesterday. So you can have something to off to.
Yeah. Dude, our driver.
I saw that clip. Yeah.
Yeah. And ain't nothing wrong with it.
I'm off the porn. I'm off the porn.
Yeah. Ain't nothing wrong with it.
Not at all. Yeah.
Yeah. Sometimes you just look and you go, I'm fooled.
I'm fooled. Sometimes the guy in a wig, you just go, you know what? I'm fooled.
I'm telling you, man. It's like you watch the porn and it's just like it just starts to be like, yeah, you watch it so you're like what's this and it's just a new thing well it's disassociation like the honest was telling me yesterday he was like you're dis and then you start to think about how come my wife doesn't look like that why don't we do that i'm like where's your penis baby i said that to her a few times here's the eternal here's the eternal question what would you rather do so if you had to have sex with a like a straight up you know buck angel sure like a dude with a pussy or a lady with a dick who would you rather tranny yeah yeah i mean can i do it quicker yeah it's crazy yeah it's it's a weird it's i'll even go one further like a hot beautiful tranny with a great personality because it's not all about the physical forever women or uh like a butchie lesbian or roseanne o'donnell trance yeah yeah you wouldn't take down like a stud and i'm just i'll just pretend if we're having sex that my penis was so big it popped out the other side right so all you got to do is use your imagination well we watched a science video about about the neuroscience of the brain we watched this a few years ago where they said actual from a scientific point of view the highest climax the best orgasm a man can have is when they're watching transgender porn because the number one things, the one and two things that men are attracted to, most men are big boobs and a big dick.
So even- That is a thing. And that's heterosexual men.
We're not talking about gay men. I know.
Because a heterosexual man, even if it's not transgender porn, will fast forward subconsciously if the man's penis is not big enough while they're watching it because we everything we mirror everything yeah so a big penis and big boobs theoretically would get the most excitement from the male brain and that's a transgender person and that's another truth bader ginsburg it's subconscious and it's just the way it is and the truth is that gay guys don't watch that they don't like you guys are not yeah they're not some of it's impressive you're going yeah it's almost like impressive it's like when you see like when a puerto rican soups up a car yeah you're going like look what they did with that fucking honda the ground effects yeah you're like going this was a guy look at the rims he put on the look at those fucking rims he put on that body you're not and you're not gay like we i think we sit sit and think a lot we're gay and that's why it's great to be in comedy i have gay friends because i've asked mateo lane multiple times am i gay and he said no you're not gay you're just feminine but that's not gay it's not gay you're more like a woman than a man but you're not attracted to men and that's because you really don't know man as your as your brain starts to develop you're like i don't know because i will not immediately push a handsome man out of my brain if he pops in while i'm masturbating i'll let him hang out a little bit yeah but that's just being a more of a woman not a gay man because we said it many times and janice is the one who discovered this that i like to i fall in love with men but i have sex with women and that's just who i am but that's not gay nice according to mateo who i would say it's like i mean he's the top gay and they can tell if they're if you're gay they can look at you and be like they know he's told me to i mean but chris did try to crawl Chris did try to crawl in my bed last night and cuddle with me. Really? He just does.
Because I just got a little freaked out because my TV wasn't working. I don't like sleeping in the dark.
So I just knocked on Giannis' door and I said, can I just fucking post up in here? He does chill. Yeah, yeah.
But then I couldn't because his feet smell so bad. I'd rather sleep with the fear of Ted Bundy popping out of a closet than smell his feet.
Well, that was your hetero kicking in being like, the smell is off. You're like, what the fuck am I? I got to get out.
I got to get out of here, too. Because if I was a real gay guy, then I would have just fucking went in and tried to.
You would have washed. You would have washed his feet.
Yeah. 100 percent.
It's nice. Made it work for me.
Yeah. It's a quiet, slow blowjob.
But you're a big fan of history. Yeah.
Just a quiet, slow. That one made me like I felt that one.
A quiet, slow blowjob to your male friend like that literally like it actually made me like pause like we're fucking around but that one i have to be like oh whoa that's like like you grab onto the podium like holy shit matt went crazy just now the quiet and slow is gayer than the blowjob yeah yeah yeah dude if you would have been like oh a teethy blowjob i'd be like ah yeah man but quiet, yeah, man, but quiet and slow. Just a fucking manly one.
Like, yeah, that one, like, that's another one. I'll just probably think about that now.
He's like, what the fuck are you doing, man? You're going to get a text from me like, 4 a.m., quiet and slow, question mark. PrizePix is the best place to get real money sports action.
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Now let's get back to the show. Also guys, before we do, happy new year, by the way, happy new year.
And with the new year, I am glad to announce we're out of the podcasting desert, man. We're after this week.
Business as motherfucking usual. Thank you guys for, uh, you know, trudging through the podcasting desert with me.
It was, it was interesting. And, um, you know, like I said before, it was a crucible situation and a crew and a, in a crucible you are steel is melted down and reforged into sometimes a stronger, sometimes a weaker shape.
But I'm excited to announce it anyway. I don't know.
I'm very tired. I stayed up late last night and now I have to do advertisements.
Let's get back to the show. But, yeah, we talk about this all the time.
And you love history, too. On our show, we talk about when you look back at history, all the empires, just the top guys like the viceroys and the emperors and all that, they just engaged.
They took whatever was on the table. Men, women, eunuchs, boys.
It's crazy. They were the toughest dudes.
Alexander the Great was the most masculine guy. And that guy had a straight up boyfriend.
Yes. He had boys.
And he had an actual lover that was his, I can't remember his name um i'm forgetting something something greek yeah it was a battle boy he took a boy into battle it was a battle boy yeah but it was no he had one guy that was like his 13 year like partner and when that guy died he made it like a holiday he quieted he was like it was like he was like he was beside himself damn and yeah i think he just was in a great depression because he was in love with a guy there were no labels back then though that's the thing it's like you being gay or straight was irrelevant they didn't care about that it was like it was more of like do you love your country and want to fight in war or not but you being gay they were like we don't that's not it was everybody's banging guys girls animals it doesn't matter so now and because dude even like the label of being gay that's like 150 200 years old even in abraham lincoln's time nobody cared that the guy the um who was it the guy before him james buchanan yeah he was like known gay never had a wife they used to call him uh they used to call his like guy that was always with them i think they used to call him like aunt nancy or something like that which is like a gay term back then but like the people didn't care his his political opponents didn't slander him with that because they were like nobody cares about this yeah so it's it only came later in life like oh being gay was taboo well it's crazy too that you know if you think about how strong gay must be to like fight through like biblical like the bible belt stuff and even i'm sure in medieval christianity it was probably kind of frowned upon oh yeah like heavily yeah you know pure uh puritan times every gay just like kept bubbling under the surface and eventually was like yeah we're fucking gay the whole society had to be like all right our bad yeah it's a strong strong uh driving force listen to this like people are like oh pete pete buddhich pete buddhich we say pete likes it in the budigieg. Yeah, he does.
Unfortunately. And I don't know why his political opponents, if he ever went up against Trump, Trump, that's what Trump should say.
Pete likes it in the Buttigieg. That would go viral.
That would be, yeah. He's going to watch us and take that.
Yeah. But my point is- He can take it, dude.
People think that's so shocking that there was a presidential candidate who was gay, but when you look back at the Roman Empire, Trajan was a full gay dude. And he was like the best Roman.
He was like one of the ones by historians that's considered to be like one of the best emperors. And he was just a gay guy.
He wasn't even into like, I'm going to marry my horse. He was just love bad.
I love gay guy. And the clarity must be amazing to like not be just kind of like dealing with like with a lady.
If you're a gay and women are like, blah, blah, blah. You're just like, for real, I'm not doing this.
We're immersed in women's thoughts. If you have a wife and you're a straight guy, it's just like you're constantly just dealing with just whatever.
You know what I mean? Just a minor problem. If you're a gay guy, imagine if those problems never cross your radar.
Sure. Yeah.
I didn't didn't eat all. You know, you have to be like, you can get a lot done.
Yeah. You can really crush.
You can look at Michelangelo and you're like, that guy got a lot done because he didn't have to listen to it. Like people with smaller brains.
Yeah. Yeah.
Bill Burr has like a good bit, like paraphrasing about like, if you see like a lesbian, a 35 year old lesbian in a bar who's married and a 35 year old married guy at a bar, straight guy, the same look like they're both angry pissed off but then a 35 year old gay guy like he was like have you ever seen a sad gay man and it's the truth you have never seen it always just always having fun life in the party there's also there is actually a kind of a dark element to just like we used to do a comedy show in a gay bar right and they were so mean so mean to the female comics. Good.
Oh, yeah, they are. Fucking ruthless.
Like a lady was on. They'd be like, boo, honey, you stink.
And I was like, oh, my God. Yeah.
Yeah. Ruthless.
They can get kind of nasty. Yeah, they can get really nasty.
This episode is brought to you by Max. The Emmy Award winning series Hacks returns this April.
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You know what I just thought of? You know what's really funny to think about? Michelangelo, fully gay guy. Sure.
Painted the Sistine Chapel. All the people that come in and pray, like, hate homosexuals.
But, like, the biggest Christian icon in the world was made by a flaming $3 bill. I think that that's, like, kind for the gay community it's also imagine him just drawing all those beautiful baby penises oh yeah just you need it you need the master yeah like do you think after he sculpted david when he just that because that penis is like remarkably small he didn't do it like this yeah just gave it a kiss on the ball just bang magnifique yeah god it a masterpiece.
That is a good point you bring up. It's mostly baby penis that he was painting.
Yeah. Yeah.
And all the popes came in. They're like, fucking perfect, bro.
You know that was started by some powerful dude with a small dick. And he was like, everyone's dick's going to be small.
I don't want anyone to see. Because people probably saw each other's dicks all the time.
They only had togas on.

So when they sat down, I mean, they didn't have underwear yet.

No, and you had to live communally a lot.

A lot of people just lived in the same one big room. So this whole taboo of like sex is in private wasn't really a big thing back then.

Like kids would watch their parents have sex as if they would watch a guy work out or whatever.

They were like, it's just we all live amongst each other.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Get out of the way. Yeah.
You ever see how they shit in those old Roman latrines where it was just like, they all shit together. It was public shit, public toilets.
And they would hang out and it was social for them. They'd shit next to each other.
What about toilet paper? What would they use? That's the thing. I think they used water.
They used, oh, really? Just wash your ass with some water. I think they used leaves.
I think they used water. They didn't have it back then.
The hair of a eunuch. Medieval London was the same.
If you had to take a shit, you were supposed to walk out of town and shit off the bridge and it would just fall in the river. Yeah.
But if you got caught dumping your thing, they would really fuck you up. Fucking the butchers, too, would just throw entrails out into the street every day.
So you'd walk and there would just be rotting fucking animal carcasses. Downtown Manhattan.
Right. That famous lake, remember? Oh, yeah.
Old Brooklyn, old Manhattan. Yes.
Yeah. Collect Pond.
That's what it was called. Collect Pond.
All the butchers, all the waste, human waste. Big gangs in New York time.
Yeah, gangs in New York time. Yeah.
It was just this disgusting lake that had all the waste from animals and butchers. They would do it.
It just, yeah, we always say history stank. I mean, it just, you can smell, when you think about what history must have smelled like, it was Teddy Roosevelt who was the one that changed it all.
Teddy Roosevelt instituted like the sanitation department and would come guys dressed in all white, like we got to clean this up. Because, dude, the idea of of like a germ being discovered that that was Louis Pasteur, that wasn't that long ago.

You know, actually discovered germs before Pasteur.

There was a guy.

He was a doctor in like, I don't know.

I forget where he was somewhere in like maybe Belgium or somewhere.

And they were doing this thing.

I was just talking about this last night.

So back then they would deliver the babies.

You know, a lot of babies died.

So like there was like where they put the dead babies was really close to where they delivered babies. So doctors would be handling dead babies constantly.
Like, all right, here you go. And they're like, all right, let me deliver this baby.
So they're transferring dead fetus germs to living fetus. And it was killing like 50% of the babies.
Right. And then this one doctor was like, dude, I think there's stuff getting on our our hands from these dead babies.
And he started washing his hands like a solution of whatever chemicals. And the and he like the infant mortality rate went down to like only like, you know, 7% of the babies were dying.
Interesting. And then he tried to tell the other doctors about it.
And they were like, nonsense. We're doctors and doctors are gentlemen and gentlemen are always clean.
And then they like told this guy he was crazy. He wasn't an insane asylum and he died.
Yeah. And they eventually figured out like, fuck that.
He was true. He was totally right.

I don't know. and doctors are gentlemen and gentlemen are always clean.
And then they told this guy he was crazy. He wasn't an insane asylum and he died.
And then they eventually figured out like, fuck. Yeah, he was true.
He was totally right. Because infant mortality rate, you think like, oh, from the 1500s, 1600s, oh, we would have been dead by 35, 40.
But that's not true. Like Benjamin Franklin, these guys lived to their 70s and 80s.
It would say life expectancy of a male back then was whatever, 45. but it's because of the infant mortality rate.
That's what science doesn't tell you. It's because so many babies were dying at one minute old that it brings your average down.
But if you passed childhood, most likely you were going to live to your 70s and 80s like we are today. So we don't live much longer.
It's just we don't die as babies as much because back then no processed food working with your hands yeah out in the sun all those things that makes sense yeah crazy because i've been thinking about that non-stop being like damn if it was like 200 years ago i'd have been dead like i'm no no you most likely you might have died as a child if somebody put some dead baby for sure but people did die of like uh you know viruses germs yeah you get a fever and you're done done. A lot of wives died in childbirth.
Yeah. It was really normal to have like three wives just from like your first two dying.
Right. The week definitely still kind of got, you know, it was more animalistic in the way that, you know, if you were at a weak immune system, you were going to go.
Yeah, you're out. Nowadays, you know, there's a lot of weak people walking around.
Yeah. Myself included.
Yeah. Yeah.
Imagine trying to talk to like, you know, somebody in the 1700s 1700s about your mental health. As a guy, they'd be like, what? It'd be crazy.
The British are coming. Yeah.
What are you talking about? Yeah. They'd stab you with a bayonet.
I think it was improper to even bring it up. I think you had a couple.
Although, I do like the letters people wrote each other in history. That's something we got to start back up.
Yeah. Beautiful.
Beautiful letters, long letters to each other. Instead of calling depression, depression, they said, I'm suffering from melancholia.
Beautifulancholia yeah beautiful yeah it's awesome they did it better nobody has a better joke about that than greg giraldo you ever see that greg giraldo joke he's like back in the day would be like some soldier would be like dearest mother dearest martha i missed please kiss the children on the forehead and your visage i miss your visage with every battle and then now he goes the letters now like dear marie don't fuck nobody yeah i'll be back it's true yeah yeah it's kind of it kind of i mean do josephine's and napoleon's letters are i mean i mean joe talk about stench napoleon and joe napoleon is saying i can't wait to fake you smell your bush you said get your pube like basically paraphrasing but he said i want your pubes when i get there i want your bush as big as possible and i don't want you to take a shower and he would come in feral and he needed to bang her out with like a full the stinkiest pussy she could possibly have so she would not bathe like if she knew he was coming she wouldn't bathe for like five six days and just let the bush go because that that's what he wanted. Wild boy.
Look up. If you're into that, look up the letters between Josephine and Napoleon.
They are wild. Just totally.
Like wild, dude. Damn.
Requesting the big stinky bush is like pretty out. He wanted it.
He wanted it. Big time.
I want it. Yeah.
I want that thing lost. Yes.
He wanted it, dude. And that's just how he's, you know? Guys at the top always have some peculiarity about them.
Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
And here's the thing about Napoleon. He actually wasn't that much of a squeak.
He wasn't that funny. He was a little guy under 5'6".
Yeah, because everybody was kind of short. Yeah, he was like 5'7 or 8".
You know what that was, right? It was British misinformation. What the British did that on purpose.
There was a writer, I'm blanking on his name, but he wrote when the British were fighting the French that let's make Napoleon, because nobody really knew back then, let's just do all these political cartoons of him being really short. So it's not like he was over, like George Washington was legit 6'5".
He was tall. Lincoln was tall.
But Napoleon wasn't tall like that, but he just was a normal height. So this whole idea of like Napoleon complex complex is there's truth in that but he didn't suffer from it because he wasn't short enough he was an average height for that guy that's fucking bullshit yeah dude it's fucking bullshit just lets you know man like a lot of the stuff in history is just not true it's just misinformation dude even it's fake news it's fake news Trump's not wrong with that dude he really did blow the lid off I I remember watching the news when I was like 20, but I was always like very stoned all the time.
And I was like, dude, this shit is fucking fake. But then I would still like read the headlines.
I'm like, there's got to be some modicum of truth to it. And then like he really did blow the lid off.
No, dude. I was like, oh shit, we are being all lied.
Yeah. Dude, I read this book.
I read 1776. And then this book, The British Are Coming.
And they basically were saying that even the Declaration of Independence, that was all made up by the founding fathers. They created this idea of like, oh, we want to be free from the British and independence.
But like that wasn't when the Revolutionary War started. It was all they want.
All the people were saying was we just want to be taxed. If we're going to be taxed, we just want to be represented in parliament.

That's it.

Because we don't want the British to leave.

Because if you think about, put yourself in the mind of a colonist back then, besides like a select few like wild patriots, but most of the colonists.

Hold up, I just got instantly racist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Get in there.

He's like, oh yeah, okay.

Put your mind in it as a colonist.

You go sit over there and don't talk.

Yeah, get some guys in chains.

I was just listening to your instructor. Yeah, yeah.
And what's this Mexican doing? Yeah. Sorry.
They didn't even know what that was back then. Jesus.
Look at this dirty Irish Mick. They're all drunk.
Drunk. Sorry.
You're about to go outside and handle business. Yeah.
I'm hating myself, you dirty fucking Greek. Yeah.
You Greek shit. You white N-word.
Sorry. That's okay.
I put myself in the mind of a colonialist. That's what it is.
It just got in the super stream. Yeah, there was a time you'd look at him.
Back then, he's fucking dirty Irish. They were the most racist against the Irish.
They were pretty bad. In New York.
They were bad. They were terrible, though.
When you read about what they were up to, you're like, God, those guys must have been fucking terrible. Oh, God, coming off the docksela's ashes and like it's so sad the first chapter just like the author introduces his family his little sister dies just like in a stroller by herself at nighttime the family's like they're just all devastated so they go back to ireland and they're on a boat the mom's on the boat she's pregnant again and she gets sick and as they're looking at the statue of liberty she's explaining it to her family she's like i look how beautiful this is and then she goes and threw up and it just the vomit just missed it in the wind just went on all the other passengers and they're all like you fuck god damn it lady get the fuck out here fuck you and he just watched seagulls eat his mom's vomit as they like sail away it's beautiful it is kind of beautiful in a way but it was the spray of just being like oh there it is just crushing all the passengers dude so these colonies they would the the declaration that they you know they just wanted to be taxed right uh they just wanted to be represented by parliament but back then they were like if you were 13 if you were a colonist you had you wanted the british because you had to the north the french who at that point wasn't on your side and they would kill you and take your land and then to the south spain who definitely didn't like you yeah and then to the west native americans who absolutely despised you and the only thing stopping those three people from coming to kill you were the british because they were like we're one of the british you do not fuck with britain that's a british subject so but then the war is going on you know 1775 whatever all the soldiers they they did nine months but they were like dude we got to go home we're going to lose to these british fucks we got to go home because we got our farms we got to take care of our farms our wives are dying like the oh who knows we have to go back and they just started leaving in droves so washington thomas paine common sense was like a pamphlet like the first viral thing that ever happened he tom george washington told thomas paine dude you're like a great writer why don't you make up can you make up something to like galvanize these guys to come back so they came up with what if we change this messaging from taxation without representation to let's be free from the tyrannical brits let's just be free from these fuckers don't you hate them and then that messaging started to get into people's minds and then next thing you know they're fighting the British and they're like this is not even what we wanted but we just believe the fake news and then obviously as you know Benjamin Franken had to go over to Paris and bang some some of Louis the King Louis concubines to get in Louis's ear and then he convinced fucking he convinced the french to

get into the war because the french hate the british more than anybody yeah and then we won

yeah but that was not so it was fake news how it starts that's what these books said yeah really

yeah and that was the last time the french were tough yes dude they got fucking steamrolled in

world war ii big yeah we gotta talk about that for another day but the french got absolutely

fucking field goal kicked in world war ii and they were the number one seed they were the number one

army in the world but they would always bankrupt themselves that was a problem everything

Thank you. that for another day but the french got absolutely fucking field goal kicked in world war ii and they were the number one seed they were the number one army in the world but they would always bankrupt themselves that was a problem everything i've read about french history is them being like all right how much money do we have like nothing yeah fuck dude and another damn it another fun fact history with the french like dunkirk when they got like steamrolled and dunkirk and almost lost everything whatever i read something that said one of the main one of the of course germany was this crazy army on a mission whatever but hitler would not allow the german soldiers to get prostitutes or if you if you got caught masturbating or drinking you could take the panzer chocolate which was crystal meth so yeah they allowed meth but no but no banging prostitutes and no masturbating and no alcohol because he wanted like a fucking tip-top army where the French were encouraging prostitution and were encouraging you to like be free, sexually free.
And supposedly there was sexual STDs running rampant through the French army those last six months before the Nazis took over them. And he was these guys were like fighting with like active chlamydia and VD where the Germans were just coming in fully loaded cocks on crystal meth ready to steamroll.
Damn. and that's like a big part of like why they just beat the shit out of everybody but then as the war went on the crystal meth obviously you can't take that for so long yeah then even hitler you started to go nuts yeah it's just like rock and roll they had better drugs yeah the best bands had better drugs dude that's what they say meth psychosis and like world war ii as like a nazi soldier must have been dude imagine coming out out of that.
A lot of Nazi soldiers killed themselves when they got back to Germany because they were like, not only does the world hate us, but I didn't want to do this. I was on meth.
And I killed all these people and did all this shit and they killed themselves. I think you can't do war without drugs.
You have to be on a little bit. Yeah, I think so.
I think you're just ripping at ease now. You got to be a agree with that.
You got to be a real psychopath to just go sober. Sober? Yeah.
It's hard to do, like, stand-up without a girl drinks. That would be funny.
A guy facing death, he's like, no, dude, I got 13 days sober. You guys drink.
Dude, I mean, we're going to die. What do you think this is? This is drugs, dude.
I'm on using a drug right now. Yeah, I needed it today, really.
But yeah, I think a lot of it, too, is just nicotine. I think they're just crushing fucking nicotine pouches.
Yeah, everything everything probably like 500 milligrams of caffeine a day yeah that's it there's i there's a nice story about world war ii um nothing that would chill them out that's for sure no what they weren't sitting there micro dosing mushrooms i think when they get back a lot of them do actually but yeah not when they're there but the there's a story i read about world war ii where the um i think the nazis were in it think, at some point. And they were like – they came to the bridge.
You know Dante's whatever, Inferno? Sure. So it was the bridge from the book where he first laid eyes upon Beatrice before she died.
And it's an actual bridge there in Italy. And the Nazis, they could have blown the bridge up to keep the Americans, whoever, off their ass.
So they radioed. They had some sort of communication.
They were like, look, we won't blow up Dante's bridge where he saw Beatrice. It's such a beautiful place.
You guys got to promise to like a 20 minute timeout. And they're like, all right.
And the Americans chilled for like 20 minutes. Really? Let them cross the bridge and they didn't blow it up.
And then they used it 20 minutes later and like pursued him. Wow.
It was just like a weird moment in the middle of like war where they're like, dude, that fucking bridge is so sweet. Well, that's like World War I.
You ever that story about the french and the british on christmas day they're sitting there in the trenches they they're there for a year they have each side has moved up like 50 yards max they're in there there was no man's land it was called where like you know it was all like you know mines and everybody would just die there so christmas i forgot which side but one of them basically called a timeout and they all went out to no man's land and had Christmas dinner together, drinking, eating, and then they went back December 26th and started killing each other again. What the fuck? It's a fascinating thing in World War I, Christmas dinner.
It's got to be so nice. Yeah, just hang out.
You're like, this is just a regular guy. I don't hate this guy.
You got to shoot him the next day. Yeah, and the next day, you're just blowing his foot out.
Yeah. It just lets you know how big propaganda is and where you need it.
Like, you just need it to be like, dirty japs so you just need it otherwise guys are going why am i killing these you're committing mass murder so yeah you have to or dude you didn't even bang your girl or like i know get get the get the tv show you wanted it is yeah it's a weird on and off switch because in this society no reason to kill this guy you know you have in society you have to control murder then every now and and again, you got to be like, you know who kind of sucks, actually? What if you just killed that whole country and everyone's like, get the fuck out of here? Well, like the Japanese, like the emperor was just like, guys, if you fly your planes into the sides of this, fly your planes into the sides of the American boats, I can personally, I'm the emperor, dude. I guarantee you're getting into heaven.
You can have whatever you want. They're like but that emperor is like fucking dude i don't know yeah you know they our politicians know our weakness all you gotta do is like a little fake attack on us yeah a little something like and that gets us yeah pearl harbor 9-11 the drones that's why anyway they'll be like we're going to this country they didn't have anything to do and they're, just fucking kill people.
One of our fucking boats. Nobody was like, wait a second.
Why are we going to Iraq? Yeah. Everyone was just like, go.
That was a total green light. Everyone thinks we're going to.
I've heard people, I should say, who think we're going to go to war with China. Like, that's inevitable.
Yeah. They're flying their drones right now over my house.
Dude, honestly, dude, who is that? What is going on? If I was the president, I would just go to war with Portland. Yeah.
Portland would be nice. I would just say, get these guys out of here.
Dude, my house. Honestly, dude, he's gone.
I don't know. If I was a president, I would just go to war with Portland.
Yeah, Portland. I would just say, get these guys out of here.
My theory is World War Three. If we're all being smart, we should stop fighting kind of like, you know, between countries and have just all attack the oldest, like the elderly.
Yeah, right. Just plunder the elderly.
Get them out of here. Get them out of here.
If you got to get your bloodthirst. Yeah, exactly.
All plunder. We all we all make a deal like look let's just use all these advanced technologies we've created to like yeah absolutely plunder the elderly do you think we're going to come together as a planet and fight whoever's controlling the drones like this these drone things you think like the aliens you think the alien invasion this project blue light or beam light whatever i don't know blue beam i've heard what everyone I think it's called blue book.
Blue beam. Blue beam.
Yeah, where it's like, you know, the countries are staging an alien attack and they're going to say that these drones are going to get attacked by aliens and come together against a common good. That would be great.
I've heard that. I've heard that theory.
Common enemy. They're going to use it to do like a one world of government situation.
You think so? I mean, yeah. People get mad.
I always say this, but I do think like that kind of setup or that, I don i don't know man i don't know if we'll always be countries or if that unification will ever happen where we're like because i mean they have the eu now right so all it would take is like the u.s i don't know man people get really whacked out about it you got to unite people with you there's too many languages dude it always breaks language religion yeah true but what should we go with english one chinese two i mean dude what do you want to go three the most beautiful ones english spanish french chinese is out chinese let them learn french yeah you don't want to be like they can do it yeah they can do it they can do it they're smartest people in smartest humans let's just be ashkenazi jews yeah romance languages are the best sounding languages when you don't speak them they are like i'd like to speak they are pleasant yeah when i hear hebrew i'm like i want to speak that language. It's harsh.
Yeah. When I went to Sicily, dude, I was fucking rock hard 24 hours a day just listening to people speak.
Yeah. French as well, man.
I've always, I'm like, the French accent kills me. Yeah.
I'd love to fucking French. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. But yeah, I don't know.
I mean, here's the thing. If that happened, even if they staged a fake alien attack and we got to be like with like Russia, like, come on, brother, let's shoot down these fucking aliens.
That would be fun. That would be.
How much better than COVID would that be? Being like, we're fighting the aliens together. We'd lose so quick if it was a real thing, though.
Yeah. I mean, dudes that can come here like light years.
I know. Just like pow, pow.
Yeah. That's what our guns would sound like to them.
Pow. Yeah.
Pow. And they just be like, well, this is my argument for that.
If you're able to get to that level of technology, I do think there's a good chance that you would have worked out the weird interpersonal kinks that would make you like a weird kind of like domineering. Right.
They may look at us like cattle, though, and be like, you know, they may look at us like answer some good, but like not even have that compassion because they're like, at these stupid that's true yeah they're like doing podcasts they're talking yeah yeah they probably dig in the cast they probably yeah i think so yeah it might be the thing that they like if you could hear if they're probably smart enough imagine if you could like just watch ants and like get a full in-depth look into like what they're thinking you're feeling all day this is awesome that's a good point actually it's a good point yeah i don't think that i don't think the drones are sniffing for nukes though that was a big theory yeah i said there's nuke sniffers and even if they are i don't think the drones will i don't think the nuke will go off because it's in america i think the nuke knows like i'm home this is where it created me i can't tell my father i think the nuke the nuke will do a quick scan and there's not enough Japanese people here. I can't go off unless there's a certain percentage.

Yeah, just kidding around.

I'm just kidding around.

Yeah, we're just joking.

It's a character piece.

It's probably AI now.

The nuke's probably conscious.

It's like, oh, I don't want to do this.

But it was created here.

So the nuke kind of knows.

What do they think?

I'm going to kill my father.

Yeah, they think they're going to set off the nuke or something? They think the drone sniffing for the nuke where it is, where it is to find it. Okay.
Because the issue is the nuclear weapons now supposedly are have more power, power than Hiroshima and they can be fit in a suitcase. I've heard.
That's the issue. Yeah.
Yeah. So.
Yeah. I mean, dude, I don't know.
I had a, I had a guy on recently. He did a james fox he did like multiple documentaries on uaps and ufos and stuff and he's like i mean he's totally convinced he's like dude we've been contacted multiple times but i i don't know i don't i was like what the fuck are you gonna do it's like if you're worried about an alien invasion it's like bro you're totally powerless i have no fear of that for some reason i have zero even nuclear nuclear war i'm kind of like whatever yeah i just don't worry about it i'm like dude i don't know it's gonna happen hope it doesn't happen but yeah i'm not gonna be like hey guys knock it off yeah you should really rethink this but it's like it would suck if it didn't like if it was like it put us in like the wasteland scenario but then it's like we get to all dune out so it's like i don't know yeah then the whole world would just look like sixth street yeah you can go there and practice at the end of the world this is what this is why we come to austin we're practicing for the new world what a dump at night that street is yeah that'll be huge if we if we somehow if they can use the aliens to make us somehow like all disarm like our nuclear weapons but like no one's no one's gonna want to do it first they're gonna be like you know what would happen though the aliens would have us disarm the nuclear weapons and then we would just go back to medieval warfare like 20 years later we would just start attacking the regular way which that would suck yeah no we could still we could still drop big bombs they just okay but just no nukes but when you're like murdering each other you're gonna get the edge it's like it's a it's a catchy Yeah.
Yeah. Because they say aliens only started showing up after the first nuke went off.
There were no alien sightings before 1945. That's what the guy James Fox was saying.
It was like they're very draw. A lot of the sightings around military stuff have always been.
And then I was like, well, what if it's just like super advanced technology? They're not talking about it. He's like, I mean, even that is like a whole thing in itself.
He's like, it could be. But right.
Yeah. I mean, Bob Lazar, I believe that guy Bob Lazar saw all that stuff years ago.
I was telling everyone about it. They were claiming they can do like full speed right angle turns just like that.
He said there was a pilot that like saw like a silver kind of like almost like cylinder object just buzzing around. And he like did a nosedive to come down to see what it was.
And he said the thing spir up towards him and then when he kind of like he like tried to contain it it just was gone and then he they had like a latitude longitude he was like when he got to the latitude longitude it was just there just like waiting for him yeah rogan just posted yesterday on his instagram like to explain like this footage and it was like this unedited footage and it's just two orbs like that just happened i guess last night and they just the way they shoot off into space is not and you know Rogan saying this is unedited footage and it's just two orbs that just happened I guess last night and they just the way they shoot off into space is not and you know Rogan saying this is unedited footage this is real yeah the problem is is like well there's like two things is you could fake that so easy you could fake that but there's all these like high-level military guys coming out being like no for real I saw it's like why would they risk their they either don't care about us like they're looking at us like we would look at ants and like look at ants and like, what do we care? Or they're jerking off to us. That's why.
Because think about it. When you jerk up to something shameful and then you just jet, you like leave.
Like, so maybe they're just taking it out. They're wanking.
And then they're, and then their commander's like, where were you? And like, he clears the search history. Yeah.
The ones who die are like the people who get caught, like auto erotic. He's fixed.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Dude, he's other jerking off yeah humans he crashed yeah because it's the only thing they come and then they bounce so what are they doing i don't know what are they doing man i don't know they're either totally disinterested or it's a it's a fetish it's a kink for them yeah or like i said i i just i just you know i hold out hope being like dude if you get that advanced you must like there's no way you get that advanced when you're still like kind of self-destructive and all that.
I think they might be pretty chill. Yeah.
Right. I think one of the big things they probably to get that advanced, I think they have no shame.
Because I think the thing that holds humans back is shame. Yeah.
Yeah. Shame.
It's like, yeah, but it's also anger comes from shame and it's all projected out. Yeah.
But shame is pretty good, though, because it keeps like you should have a sense of like, if you do a certain thing, there's going to be a bad feeling accompanying it. Yeah.
If I went home and like blew my dog and just like took a walk, that's a problem for society. I need to be like, what's a solid, solid point? It's a good point.
Solid point. Shame's not a bad thing.
What I said was wrong. Yeah.
Because you just made a solid point. You need it.
Shame is a good. It's like I mean, it's like the beginnings of your conscience.
It's just your conscience conscience but it's like if you kind of get carried away with it you can't burden yourself with it but like having no shame is not good not good people might go far in life with no shame but it's true it's not good it's not good you gotta have a balance you gotta be like turn off the shame for certain things yeah and then but then turn it back on when you're gonna blow your dog or or are you gonna just you know take a kid into a fucking harem and drink their blood you want to turn the shame off for that yeah yeah just slow blow you want you want to turn the shit yeah you want to turn the shame all the way up at a ditty party and then you want to just turn it off when you're fucking hitting the stage yeah yeah yeah god damn dude the slow the slow blow it's really dude it's just going to quiet a quiet slow blow job to a male friend is gonna be something that i might i might honestly bring it up on rogan and just ask his assessment he would love that yeah what man what the fuck you talking about yeah yeah and i remember once i remember the last time i went on i was saying how attracted i was to this trans actress on uh the show baby Reindeer and thinking he was going to be back and forth. And he just went, ugh, it's disgusting.
And then he just started talking about alligators. And I was fucked.
Once you hear him, fuck, dude. Yeah, dude.
Whenever I've done that show, once he starts talking about grizzly bears, I know I'm bombing. You're done.
You're bombing. Yeah, you're bombing.
It's like, you know what, man? You just got to cook it before trigonosis sets in i'm like okay i'm boring you yeah so that's the sign yeah it is for real dude i'm i'm i'm like being genuine the ability he can his ability to sit there for three hours and talk it's uncanny it's crazy i don't know anyone else who can do it i can feel an hour in me and i go i've hit an hour and i start going all right yeah and he does that by the way three times a week it's not like he does it once a week it's for real like it's pretty nuts

he's such a busy guy I think that's how he schedules

in his socializing

because he's so busy man

after you podcast a lot it does kind of suck when you

socialize you're like dude I should be getting paid for this

yeah why am I wasting my

time yeah I'm like why am I giving gems to these

people at dinner when I could just be doing that on a Patreon

I'm out with my neighbors I could just be man

on the street right now

generating content yeah I mean dude we were

I'm going to go. time yeah i'm like why am i giving gems to these people at dinner when i could just be doing that on the patreon i'm out i'm out with my neighbors i could just be man on the street right now yeah generating content yeah i mean dude we were filming we were literally talking to our driver yesterday and because he was like a liberal guy from texas so we were like going crazy we couldn't believe that we finally met one whatever and he was like an older guy and we're having fun whatever talking and we're i was recording the whole thing.
I was like, oh, this would be good on Patreon.

And then at the end, when he's dropping us off,

he says the address of where we are.

And then Jan is like, oh, we probably shouldn't post that, dude.

He just said the address.

And the guy was like, are you recording me?

And then I slowly put that.

I was like, no, no, no, no, no.

But it's fun.

The last bit we have, he goes, are you recording me?

So you can see that at Patreon.com slash History Hyenas.

We've already posted that puppy.

That's so funny.

He's doing Veritas on fucking YouTube. Yeah, yeah.
So we're like, that's actually actually like a crime but we're just willing to do it if you give us five dollars a month no it's it's like investigative journalism project veritas yeah dude shit was awesome awesome when they got guys being just give a guy one martini and he'd be like dude oh fuck i'm so fucking horny dude all this stuff is fake did you see those videos yeah i don't know if those were real though oh they were real i think so i think they are real dude if you get a guy you're getting crushed like dude if you like just go on like linkedin profiles and just have like a hot shake be like i'd love to come out and talk to you they're like okay yeah yeah if i did we're fucking we're like making up half these fucking and it was just like there's a guy he he claimed that they were making variants that they could get ahead of them so they could create vaccines for ones they made up. But here's the issue.
He validated, he said that. So they're like- That's wild.
COVID's out there and they're like, well, what if we made a thing like it, got the vaccine for it, and then that way we're already ready if something like that strikes. But to Chris's point, this is why I don't think it's real, and it's probably like a setup, like you're going to be this guy, because it is illegal.
So like, if that really the guy would be like get in trouble. It's illegal.
It's a gray area with a journalist, though. I think journalists can do that somehow.
Can they? I don't know. Well, maybe it's illegal and maybe they're actively suing them.
But the whole it's out anyway. Maybe eventually they'll take it down.
But this is maybe they're willing to suck to take the lawsuit on the chin. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Just to say it's a weird. It's a criminal offense, though, isn't it? I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
That's a good question. Because I know you can't record a phone call without the other person's consent.
Right. So I would assume that it would be in person.
Which I've also done a bunch of times. You just posted it.
Yeah. It's fun.
But you can. Yeah, I don't know, man.
It's a weird gray area. Because I feel like journalists have to be able to do that.
Like whistleblowers and shit do it all the time. I think probably if you do it, then maybe you, maybe you, I don't know anything, but maybe you can.
Dude, the laws are like, well, if you, any law, like if you've ever, when you were single, if you've ever like paid for a girl's Uber to come over to your house and then you guys have had sex, you've Ubered her home, you've technically sex trafficked her. True.
Like that's all real. It is.
But yeah, but you have to trick her. You have to be like, yeah, which you know, that is, there is some trickery there always i guess yeah i mean like let's watch a movie we're not really i don't want to watch the movie yeah yeah that's true i think though the problem becomes if she comes over and you bang her and then other guys come over and bang did you see that shit in france yeah this we were watching on the plane so what we couldn't hear what what's the thing 50 guys are going down for i think a guy was of like, like, this is what Diddy was getting accused of with Cassie or whatever her name is.
Cassidy. Yeah.
Saying like he would just be like, imagine you took your wife out to a nice dinner. Then like when you got home, you're like, surprise, babe.
And there were just like four dudes there. She's like, I don't really feel like it.
And he's like, no, it's going down. And he would just have her get allegedly have her get kind of banged out.
Wow. And I think the French guy was going ham with it at the same setup where he'd be like surprise and it was just like four of his four dudes i'm not gonna say his bros i don't know if they're his bros or not but yeah like four or five dudes would just yeah run banging out his wife yeah just it was like apparently 50 dudes got caught and he's a real wealthy like celebrity in I guess so, yeah, which is the craziest thing to get caught with.

Yeah.

The human brain is wild, isn't it? Wild.

Yeah, man.

It's fucked up.

That's such a wild one, though, man.

Yeah.

They go, you're not going to fuck me?

All right.

You just have dudes come through?

Or they get off on it watching dudes kind of uncomfortably bang their wife.

Yeah.

It's a weird thing.

People got weird things.

It's crazy, bro.

We all got something.

Never me, bro.

I'm new, bro. Dude, that's why.
I would be so mad. No, I would.
Yeah, I would do that. Third guy.
What the fuck am I doing? This is. Yeah.
Oh, take three. Yeah.
By the third, you're like, wait, this wasn't a good idea. Yeah, I was fine with the first two.
The crazies for you and 50 people all go down together for that. That was that trial must have been crazy.
Yeah. They're all going down, too.
Yeah. Yeah.
What is French jail even like, though? You think it's even that big of a deal? Probably cigarettes, baguettes. Yeah, true.
French jail is probably... And the gay sex service probably has that French...
It's probably awesome. Well, it's loving.
Yeah, it probably is. Yeah, that's...
I don't know, man. The French jail probably actually does suck.
Yeah. I mean, all jails.

I mean, yeah.

Yeah.

But I wonder if the food might be all right.

It's probably better, better than most.

If you're a criminal, just take a flight to Norway and commit a crime and then you live. No, no, no death penalty.

No life in prison.

Most of your prison time is on a farm.

Dude, I saw I saw a documentary about that.

They have like guitars and shit.

They have like music rooms.

You can just go play.

It's like that is a kind of a good idea.

Yeah, it's like kind of like hanging out in like a rec room of a luxury condo building. Like you just got everything you want.
You're chilling. That wouldn't be bad.
No. Not at all.
And you can do a pretty sick crime. You can like crash a car into someone's house.
Something like, you know, crazy. That guy in Norway who like killed all those school kids, like that awful thing.
He's just he's going to get out of jail. Is he really? In a fucking open air jail open air jail i don't think he's ever gonna get out but the laws are that he should but they keep finding oh okay all right so i missed but it's funny because technically he would get out but because of what he did they keep finding loopholes to keep him in there because their own laws by their own laws right they're all about rehabilitation and yeah they just sent him to guantanamo yeah all right you're fucking you're out of here yeah yeah because yeah he shouldn't be there like doing like fucking he's probably like getting emails and stuff yeah so that guy should be locked up dude i mean prisoners have instagram in the u.s like they're on they know they're listening to pods i know yeah yeah yeah but yeah where are we at time wise i don't want to keep you guys up all All right.
We're good. Let's get some breakfast, dude.
Yeah, let's fucking eat some breakfast.

Thank you guys, dude.

Thanks for coming on.

Thank you.

Oh, and by the way, January 18th, we're doing our first live History Hyena show at the Lincoln

Theater in Washington, D.C.

Yeah.

Nice, man.

Dude, we're doing it, baby.

Two days before the inauguration, so get down there.

Yeah.

That's going to be awesome.

Get tickets at HistoryHyenasIsBack.com, ChristyComedy.com, or GiannisPappasComedy.com.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, dude.

Thank you, brother.

Hell yeah. Thank you, guys.
Thank you, brother. Hell yeah.