Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes.

Speaker 2 And we are beginning. Thank you guys for coming.
God damn, Giannis. Papa is Chris and Stephanie with the History Hyenas, dude.
Thank you guys for coming. We're here.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 I'm pumped, dude. Dude, thank you.
Thanks for having us.

Speaker 1 And I just want to say, because the last I was on the show a couple of weeks ago or a month ago, Giannis, and I just want to say to all your fans out there, say something about my hair now.

Speaker 1 Look at my hair now, dude. You guys were talking shit, saying I had no hair product in.
My hair was flat.

Speaker 1 What about now? It looks great, right? Right, dude? Now I look like a 60s crooner. And look at Giannis' hair, dude.
I look great. That looks good.
That's painted on. Yeah, it looks good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the wave. Right? So

Speaker 1 I just want to make sure everybody fucking knows what's up. And I'd bring it back.
Yeah, I'd like to say it's good to be here in Republican Hollywood. And

Speaker 1 the candidate over here and the candidate over here.

Speaker 1 They got bad hair. They're no good for you.
I will make it so barbecue is available for everybody in this city at all times.

Speaker 1 And I just always wanted to stand at a podium and feel like I'm in a primary. feels good doesn't it feels powerful i know i want to almost go like yes i sent you

Speaker 1 yes

Speaker 2 feel it now exactly

Speaker 1 dude being white and standing behind this podium is it's i got ideas right now i'm telling you man not that i've ever agreed with anything that hitler said and i despise the nazis and what they did but if you just want to ai listen to hitler speeches in english and just change out the words from germany to america in your head you'll get really pumped up for the day yeah that guy just knew how to light a fire under you, dude.

Speaker 1 Really? The way that he would speak about Germany was like, I fucking get it, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was like they tied to their like mythic folklore of like the German here and all that stuff. And yeah, that would for sure get anyone pumped up.

Speaker 1 But he was telling people, like, if you die in battle, you're going directly to Valhalla and you're going to ride a valve, like, you know, you're riding like, you know, eagles there.

Speaker 1 And it's just like, he was like, you know, Germany, one Germany is versus England right now. Germany's versus Great Britain, you know, at that moment when they're in that war.

Speaker 1 And he says, we are two superpowers, and the only way to win is one of us is going to have to be destroyed. And it will not be Germany.
And the crowd goes nuts. You're like, fuck.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Dude, I started putting on my fucking boots. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He has an outfit. He has an outfit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it is. Yeah, you can always give the devil his due.

Speaker 1 Like, everyone's always like, he was a fucking failed artist.

Speaker 2 No one liked him.

Speaker 1 It's like, people liked him.

Speaker 1 He was a closer. I mean, he was a headliner.

Speaker 1 He was a guy when he went up, you're like, all right, we should only do another show two two days from now yeah yeah let people kind of settle yeah he was a talker i think he gelled the hair but i think he left the front flat i think he knew the effectiveness of the flat front it was a tail fan it was a tail fan and then i always loved when he did that afterwards yeah he gathered himself and he did that smeared it back what i like about standing up too is it's a fit city you could just get your calf phrases in while you that's that's and that's why i think you did it dude it's just like a workout i know i was tired of sitting around all day yeah yeah what's up with all the gay art over here i just i thought it was visually striking this is nice i had someone My friend told me about this painting.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I looked it up. I was like, perfect.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I just wanted something kind of intense.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, well, I told him, I was telling you on the plane, he's a guy, he jerks off to erotic poetry. So this kind of goes with it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which I've started doing now, by the way, because I don't exhaust it. So you kind of, like us, have a little bit of a female brain.
Yes. Because you like the imagination.
Yeah. Exactly.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, it's not, that's not uncommon amongst us. We are performers.
And here's the thing. If you're a performer and you get into the arts, you at least got nicked.

Speaker 1 You at least got nicked by the gay gene. You got nicked.

Speaker 1 Some people get fully clipped, like Pateo lane we got nicked yes yeah yes we got nicked we got nicked it gives us our eye and we all got nicked we all got nicked and our wives and girls they all know that we're kind of like out of their friend group like they're like they're proud of us but they're like my husband's kind of gay yeah and they just accept it yeah yeah i i dude it's it's like embarrassing i don't know what to do like i was talking like just like talking sports i don't follow it at all so that it like it makes me feel really gay when other men are like dude you uh blah blah and i'm like i don't when you told me that the last time i came on the show it's something that i i swear to god there's you know like you know i'm 40 now you wake up you have to pee or whatever.

Speaker 1 And there's been multiple times in the past like months since I've been on your show where I've woken up and be like, I can't believe Matt doesn't know anything about sports. I don't know anything.

Speaker 1 And I've just been thinking about it because you're such a guy who you look at this guy and listen to this guy. You're like, he's going to be like an NFL broadcaster.
And he doesn't know it.

Speaker 1 I mean, he has a headset on like Tony Ramo right now. I know.

Speaker 2 I love playing sports. I love playing sports.
Like, I played football, basketball, and I'll still play sports. I just, I can't.
bear to follow them. I don't care.

Speaker 1 It's amazing because like you look, it's funny to see like physically, you play, I like to play sports. God gave you a body for sports, but then this is your brain.
Yeah, these paintings.

Speaker 1 This is what it is. Israel is a great representation.
He laughed at us, I think, when he made us a little bit. He's like, dude, I'm going to make this Matt one.
I'm going to put him outside Philly.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make him look like an athlete, but then I'm just going to have fucking paintbrushes and, you know, just gay stuff in his brain. And I think they laugh.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And right now, you do look like a high school offensive coordinator with that headset on. You know what? I looked apart.
You look like a cop. I really look like a bad person.

Speaker 1 The only thing you'll be is like Robert Frost's

Speaker 1 Road Less Traveled is a beautiful poem, guys. I know, yeah.
I know you look like a good cop, too. Yeah, you really do.

Speaker 2 I think I would have been a decent cop.

Speaker 1 You would have been a decent cop, and I think, I think you also would have been a good, you're a really good coach.

Speaker 1 That you would have, if you did fuck around with a kid, it was like in the 80s, right? It wasn't anything recent, right?

Speaker 2 I hear what you're saying, right? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So, like, one of those things, like, you were doing it when everybody was doing it. No, I was young, but you kind of had the into you had the thoughts where

Speaker 1 you realized it was wrong in like the 90s, right? Which is way ahead of most people. He did it at a time where the parent would have sided with you and not the kids.
Yes,

Speaker 1 true. And just what being a Catholic, he taught you football.
Yes, he was a good guy.

Speaker 2 I went to a basketball camp.

Speaker 2 It was called Bucky Gill's Basketball Camp at Chichester, and he was the coach of the girls' high school team. And he got round.

Speaker 2 He was apparently like, well, they're in the, this was the rumor, I should say, that he was like opening the shower curtain, just like spraying them with soap.

Speaker 2 He was like back there partying with the girls. Wow, dude.
And then, but it all, we all had his basketball camp shirt because everyone went there.

Speaker 2 But then when he got in trouble for it, we'd all wear the shirt. We thought it was funny.

Speaker 1 We'd all wear the shirt.

Speaker 1 But with girls, but to me, with girls. Are you all right? Yeah, no, I'm Googling this story that's going to blow your guys' mind.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 With girls, though, with girls, I almost like, obviously, it's fucked up, but it's not, it's like,

Speaker 1 that's rare. It's normally always, it's always boys getting clipped.
It's usually always the boys getting clipped. I know.
I was in two situations. I went to Penn State.

Speaker 1 football camp when I was a kid, never got clipped, never saw Jerry Sandesky, never got clipped.

Speaker 1 And then there was another guy in Christ the King, basketball coach, Bob Oliba, that also went down for that stuff. And I never got clipped by him.

Speaker 1 And I was many, many times in the gym, just him and I, because my mom had to work. So I was the kid that I would get dropped off.

Speaker 1 My mom would pay extra to drop me off at basketball camp at like 7 a.m., 45 minutes before, because she had to get to work.

Speaker 1 And it was just him and I, and he never did anything, never clipped me at all. And I know like the hack joke, what people say is like, oh, what about me? Whatever.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, but I genuinely had like feelings about it. I was like, am I ugly? Wait, really? Yeah, like I really would talk to my therapist about it.
It's the opposite.

Speaker 2 I think when you're like a jack-strong kid, they know they're like, no, this kid might not.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I think Bob Oliva and these people saw in me? They were like, this guy will kiss me back, and that's not what I want.

Speaker 1 I don't know if this has ever happened on a podcast, but I just realized that I got clipped. When did you get clipped? You got clipped? I think I just got clipped.
What happened?

Speaker 1 You started talking, and I was like, you got hit? I think that's how we got hit. That's yours.
I just don't remember.

Speaker 1 Tell us about it, man. I got to brace myself.
Tell us about it. Wait, this is the exact position I was in.
I think I got banged. Who'd you get banged out by?

Speaker 2 Someone made you an artist?

Speaker 1 I think St. Savior's.
I think, yeah,

Speaker 1 somebody turned me into the arts. No, I'm kidding.
But, dude, there's this crazy story where my brother went to Poly Prep. You know, Poly Prep in Bay Ridge.
Anyone can look up this story.

Speaker 1 There was this... Brother who's an openly gay man, openly gay man.
Openly gay man, big time hot shot attorney, but a full, I mean, as gay as gay, gayer than your painter.

Speaker 2 Your brother's a gay attorney.

Speaker 1 He's a $3 bill gay attack. Which is what messes with him because he's got the, you know, his brother got hit hard with it.

Speaker 1 So he's like, how much of this gay gene did I get get nicked with if literal I came out of the same womb, which might be just a tainted gay womb. Yeah, true.

Speaker 2 Clint's like, were we really wrestling that whole time? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 So I get his pain. Yeah.
What was really happening?

Speaker 1 But dude, this story is crazy. Philip Foglietta was his name.
And he was

Speaker 1 a legendary football coach at Poly Prep. And he molested,

Speaker 1 he had a legendary program that they were incredible. The community supported him.

Speaker 1 Whatchamacallit?

Speaker 1 The mobs. What was the mob guy? Oh, what, John Gotti? No, before him.
John Gotti, Phil Costello, Paul Costellano. Before him.
Before Carlo,

Speaker 1 the Gambino crime family. Gambino.
Carlo Gambino.

Speaker 1 Carlo Gambino's kid. Carlo's

Speaker 1 the most Italian thing I remember.

Speaker 1 Thank you all this fucking sandwich shop. It's Italian altism.

Speaker 1 His son went there and this kid clipped like hundreds of kids. Really?

Speaker 1 Hundreds of kids for so long and it finally came out and like so many kids got clipped and it was happening like in front of kids. They had jokes about it but it was just back in that era.

Speaker 2 But he was like a gangster too.

Speaker 1 No, he was just a legendary footballer. Oh, I thought you were saying he was a part of like the movie.
Gambino's son went to that school.

Speaker 1 I don't think he got clipped. I thought he was kidding.

Speaker 2 I want to say that he was clipping kids and being like, forget about it. Yeah, he kind of was.

Speaker 1 He was kind of cannoli cream.

Speaker 1 He was like the last guy anyone would expect, but he would take kids and he'd put them in his cadillac. He did it in the most Italian way.
Right. He'd be like, let's go get some zeppelies, kid.

Speaker 1 kid you're you're a good lineman right and they're like let me see your penis right yeah this will help you you ought to start yeah yeah yeah it happens

Speaker 1 but what is what do we think because obviously you know that the guys that happens a lot the same duskies of the world these the fogliettas whatever but like women they women teachers have sex with this male students like it's rampant and they get caught all the time but if you talk if you all you have to do i encourage you at home go home and just ask like three or four people if they know someone and they all know someone yeah who maybe they haven't the woman hasn't gotten arrested but they know like i know in high school my friend banged the teacher it was confirmed it happened she never got arrested for it it never came out to the public it never will but it's so what is that do we know why they don't get in trouble you're saying well no no why do they constantly do that

Speaker 2 why are they always hot always dude so i i think it goes down to uh or comes down to like a lot of women's television is still centered around high school like even like like, like, you know, like, what, uh,

Speaker 2 like, there's, there's always, in my opinion, a lot of those soaps have like a heavy high school romance element to it. Right.
Like, women constantly watch high schoolers like make out and have sex.

Speaker 1 It's part of a lot of people. That's a good call.
I never thought about that. Like, Euphoria.

Speaker 2 That's. That was a big one.
Dude, all like the, you know, fucking, just all those, like, soapy dramas, a lot of them are centered around high school love. And that's, like, a thing for them.

Speaker 2 It's like the meeting when, like, a boy and a girl first, like, they finally kiss and meet. Yeah.
Like, their brains like freaky.

Speaker 1 You don't think it's payback, though, for like centuries and centuries and centuries of 50 or 40-year-old dudes just marrying 11-year-olds, and now girls are finally like, you know what?

Speaker 1 I'm going to bang this 16-year-old just to pay back what guys have been doing to us for so long. Yeah, like, I'm going to be a pedophile.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 2 They came so far that they can be pedophiles.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe. Yeah, they just.
That's how you know that we're equal now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You think Trump will change the law and just let boys be have a legal age at like 13 and you can just fucking clip them all day?

Speaker 1 Just for boys? Just for boys. You think Trump will just be like, these these kids, these boys really don't give a shit if their mom's getting in the way.

Speaker 1 I mean, honestly, if I was 15 and I, if I was 15 and I, actually, I'm sorry, no, I lost my virginity at 17, but then I was 17 and banged a woman in her 30s. So that's technically a crime, right?

Speaker 1 But I don't care. Yeah.
She does it.

Speaker 1 It would never make a difference to me. But if I was a girl, I might get older and be like, I got

Speaker 1 seduced. Was she a babysitter or a family friend? She was a family friend.
That's crazy you knew it. She was a family friend.

Speaker 1 I might have told you. Maybe I told you.
She was a family friend. The thing about the women.
That's awesome. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Speaker 1 They always do it like that. They even do it in a woman way.
Like, they get to know you first. You talk to them.

Speaker 1 Guys just snatch you up and put you in the car. Women are like, let's see, you're my, I'm going to give you Spanish lessons after class.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah, you're my little buddy.

Speaker 1 They do it more emotionally.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but that's the thing, though. The problem is, as then, as a 17-year-old, you can get sucked into adult kind of dynamics.
Like, you know, say she's cheating on her husband.

Speaker 2 That's like a crazy thing to get a kid in the middle of.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 Although, to be fair, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Would you rather, if you were to be cuckolded, would you rather it be like a young like boy?

Speaker 1 No, I'd like it to be a black guy with a big dick. Yeah, you just want to go straight to the bus.
I just wanted to know that it's, and I'll just, I'll give it to her.

Speaker 1 I'll be like, I get, I get what you need. Yeah.
Do you know the rest of that whole film?

Speaker 1 Do you know the myth of the black guys with the big dick? Do you know where that comes from? The black guys. From their dicks.
Well, no, they absolutely hunt it.

Speaker 1 They absolutely play basketball. Yes.
The biggest things I've seen are, it's fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 Shout out, Tim Fut. Can you cackle that? Yeah.
Play.

Speaker 1 Put a mute over that. Yeah, Tim Futt.
Big dicks. He named a real guy.
I named a real guy with a fucking dick. I mean, if you saw this thing, you're going, what? He's a mutant? What is this? He cocks.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.
I know, dude.

Speaker 1 The locker room for me, I went to an all-boy Catholic high school, and I remember, like, the boy, you know, obviously the players, like, everyone going in there butt naked, and I would go in with the bathing suit shorts on because, you know, I was a little embarrassed.

Speaker 1 But then I remember the older kids would be like, take off the bathing suit shorts. What are you fucking gay? Like, isn't it gayer if my dick and balls are out with the rest of you?

Speaker 1 But the black, but the black dick thing, so supposedly, supposedly, I think this, I think this might have been like 1600s, late 1600s, when like the first waves of like African slaves started to come over.

Speaker 1 The, the, the, the men, the white men, were so scared that they were gonna, because they were how muscular they were, that they, their wives were just gonna bang them left and right.

Speaker 1 They said that their dicks were so big, but it was a negative thing thing back then, like they're going to kill you and you're going to get killed by them. Like that's a weapon.

Speaker 1 But then it became like we want the big dick, but back then the big dick was frowned upon. Yeah, in ancient Greece.
It was like a negative thing.

Speaker 2 It was a bad thing. In ancient Greece, if you had like a real small, just flaccid penis, people would be like, what a astonishing man.

Speaker 1 I got so nervous.

Speaker 1 That's why these sculptures, medieval sculptures, are all little flaccid penises because that was beautiful. Yeah, you were small.

Speaker 1 I got so scared just watching him at that podium when he said African slaves. I was like, I hope this finish is good.

Speaker 1 Just the podium is just kind of like you're going, all right, let's just.

Speaker 2 It's such a funny thing to be like, oh, those huge, muscular, exotic guys. Yeah, well, trust me, they got huge dicks.

Speaker 1 You want anything to do with that? Yeah, Maddie.

Speaker 2 Some guy raised like his pint of ale.

Speaker 1 Like, I got it. I know.
But, dude, it turns out that they do. They do.
I mean, not all of them, but the ones that are big are like big. And like the Chinese guys, I mean, we've all seen the porn.

Speaker 1 It's just some of it is genetic. No, you could look this up.

Speaker 1 The science, though, says, as far as like penis length, the African culture, black people in general, general, don't have bigger dicks than anybody else. Wow.
If you look at the science.

Speaker 2 Well, we saw their condom studies, they released the data, and it wasn't the average. It wasn't as big as you would thought in terms of like compared.

Speaker 1 It's not

Speaker 1 a couple

Speaker 2 of 14 inches. But I think their outliers do.
I think they kind of. Right.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 It's also crazy to be white and have like a huge credit. That's kind of something unsettling about that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I remember like when you know Pete Davidson.

Speaker 1 I remember like when Pete Davidson got really, really

Speaker 1 reduction.

Speaker 2 I would take it right back to where I'm at now.

Speaker 1 I'd be like, this is crazy. Yeah.
I remember when Pete Davidson got like, you know, like really famous and started to blow up, and everyone was saying how big of a dick he has, whatever.

Speaker 1 And then, like, all these comedians were like making TikToks, be like, dude, I could confirm I saw it. I started comedy with him.
I was like, he started comedy when he was 16.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what happened there?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I knew him way back when he was famous.

Speaker 1 I could confirm that cock, dude. I saw it in high school, bro.
It was in my 40s. He was 12.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 My, I was that's crazy. I didn't know people did that.
That's great. No, it was crazy.
I was literally seeing people be like, stop, don't phrase it like that. Yeah.
Say it like I saw it a week ago.

Speaker 1 But if you said when you, we did a road gig together and he just pulled it out. I'm like, yeah, dude, the kid started at 16.

Speaker 1 His mom used to call me and make sure that he was like being okay on the road because he was a child. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You had to be like, dude, his dick's huge.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'd be like, Mrs. Davidson, he's fine.
Is his dick's wraps around my neck, though? How do we stop this? Do I have to feed it?

Speaker 2 It is funny to ride the wave of like just someone else's dick. He's like, yeah, I saw it.
And catch me on the road at a

Speaker 1 just putting your dates across the shaft of his dick, of the pick you have from when he's 18.

Speaker 2 Yeah, for your dick to get like a legend of its own must be kind of cool.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I mean, his has it.
I mean, no, no doubt about his has it. Yeah.
But my net, you ready for this? My call, though, my next call for just the new absolute coxsman is going to be Marcelo from

Speaker 1 Epson. I think Marcelo's the next cocksman big.
He's like the Latino

Speaker 1 Pete Davidson.

Speaker 1 Imagine Pete, all the power Pete has, but on top of that, you're fucking Latino, Unstoppable. How do you stop that?

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There you go. And I lose them all the time.

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Speaker 1 Ooh.

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Speaker 2 And I like to spoil them.

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Speaker 2 Although Pete's vague ethnicity is kind of powerful as well.

Speaker 1 That's true, too.

Speaker 2 Because you're like, you don't know what that guy. You're like, yeah, whatever, man.
Could be black.

Speaker 1 He looks like a black guy who bleached his skin. He does.

Speaker 1 He looks like Sammy Sosa. Yeah.
He's just a white guy. Yeah, he's just a white guy, dude.
He's a

Speaker 1 fireman's son. He's like as white as he gets white working class as he gets, but he does have a black face.
Yeah. And he's got the cock to match.
Supposedly. Yeah.
Allegedly. does.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's definitely not small, no way, it's definitely to the halls of Kardashians. Yeah, it's a big that's just what a life party must be crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a certain length to get into that party that's been established. There's a precedent that was set

Speaker 1 that he had to meet, he had to meet, yeah, yeah, yeah, you gotta have a dick that size, you have to have 50 Bitcoin one or the other, yeah.

Speaker 1 Kim Kardashian, you know, you know, when you go on the rides, your kid goes to a ride, and the ride says you got to be this tall.

Speaker 1 I mean, Kim Kardashian just goes and measures your dick, and goes, You can come into this ride, you got to be this tall.

Speaker 2 scale yeah

Speaker 1 but it's crazy because like I'm like you know as men's minds like I think we all still think in our minds like oh maybe one day we can hook up with Kim Kardashian too even though we have no chance and no desire to saw her in real life one time it was just happenstance she's way shorter than you think but it was for real it was like I went oh yeah like it like I was I was stunned dude I felt that way uh two weeks ago I did a show at Lucali's pizzeria very famous pizzeria in Brooklyn some of the best pizza in probably the best pizza in New York and um besides Joe and John's my local pizzeria shout out Ridgewood Queens, baby.

Speaker 1 But Ann Hathaway was in the second row of the show. And when I tell you, the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen in my life, besides, of course, my girlfriend, and obviously she's way hotter, duh.

Speaker 1 But Anne Hathaway was literally to the point where I would do a joke.

Speaker 1 I would be like, you know, she was sitting over here and I'd be like scanning the room and I'd do a joke and I'd hit the punchline and I would, you know, like people be laughing and I would slowly go like this and just make, like, almost like she laughed.

Speaker 1 And there was a couple of times I saw her laugh, and I swear to God, dude, I got butterflies in my heart. I was like, oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And then you have this fantasy, like, she's going to come out here and be like, you know, you were so great. Like, why don't we just like, why don't you talk to your wife and I'll talk to my husband?

Speaker 1 And you and I could just be together. And they'll allow it.
And we could just be together. And it'll be great.
And we could do movies together. But like, our wives and husbands don't care.

Speaker 1 And they're actually, they're actually cheering.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, and then you, and then I just drive home and then you're like depressed that like she didn't, you know, DM you. She checked the DMs.
And then you're like, fuck, man, I guess I suck.

Speaker 1 Do you remember when we were in that sushi?

Speaker 2 She's thinking about you right now.

Speaker 1 100%, dude. She's probably watching our show, History Hyenas.
Yeah, she's probably a big fan. Do you remember? She's probably on the Patreon.
She's probably on the Patreon. You never know.

Speaker 1 Do you remember we were in that sushi restaurant in LA with Tim Dylan? Oh, yes. Yes, this is a great story, dude.
So Emma Stone was in there and she went to the bathroom. And then

Speaker 1 Yannis, you're missing the key part.

Speaker 1 Let me just set this up.

Speaker 1 We're in this very famous sushi restaurant with Tim. It's me, Yanni, and Tim Dylan.
And Tim Dylan, 20 minutes before, is telling us how much Emma Stone hates him. Oh, that's right.

Speaker 1 Remember, he's telling us Emma Stone despises him. And me and Yannis are listening, but we're kind of be like, this is, maybe Tim's just like making it a bigger deal.

Speaker 1 Maybe Emma Stone, like, there's no way that Emma Stone hates him. And we were like, maybe Emma Stone doesn't even know who any of us are.
We don't know. But we were like, whatever.
And then go ahead.

Speaker 1 And then she was in the restaurant. Like in a movie, 20 minutes later, actual Emma Stone walks in.
And yeah. Yeah.
And I think she came in for, this was my like serendipitous moment.

Speaker 1 She came in in because I think she's the most gorgeous thing in the world. I love how big her eyes are.
I like pale women, except for my wife. My wife's the most beautiful, half Italian, half Greek.

Speaker 1 But she went to the smoke show, Mrs. Papas.
She went to the bathroom. She went to the bathroom, and I just saw it as an opportunity to be in the bathroom after Emma Stone.

Speaker 1 So she went to the bathroom, came out, and then I went to the bathroom, and I did not sniff or see. You did.
I did not.

Speaker 1 But I did sit down and pee. That's perfect.
I did sit down and pee. Yeah.
But

Speaker 2 that's so nice.

Speaker 1 And that, and then also. That's not creepy, right? No.
No, no. But any guy would have done that.

Speaker 2 Dude, I mean, how did you do that?

Speaker 1 You would have done that, right? 100%. Yeah.
You can't stand up here.

Speaker 2 Was she just a little bit cooler than the average girl?

Speaker 1 She just smelled so good in there. Yeah.
I just remember how good the bathroom smelled. She's just ravaged the bathroom.
I just sat and I was like, this is just where Emma Stone peed.

Speaker 1 And then it's great. But Emma then.

Speaker 2 Did she flush? That'd be nice if you peed on her, Pete. That would have been

Speaker 1 incredible. Now she shit in the sink.

Speaker 1 How great would that have been? You just got in as a turd in the sink.

Speaker 1 But she walked past us and was like, holy shit, Emma Stone. And then she came back because Tim was sitting with his back to us.

Speaker 1 But then when she came back out of the bathroom, she walked and looked at Tim, and I saw, I saw her go, ugh, like that. So it confirmed everything he said.

Speaker 1 It could have just been like she does hate him, which could have been just the way he was eating. Just like,

Speaker 1 what was there beef? Why the fuck would she something with Tim, you know, because Tim's hilarious. Your husband.
Yes. Tim Cup.
That's what happened. You know, Tim's hilarious on social media.

Speaker 1 And I think he was tweeting like, you know, hilarious shit, but maybe like shitting on an Emma Stone movie. You know, that happens.
You You know, that's what just makes me think about celebrity.

Speaker 1 Is it worth it to just like, you know, Emma Stone, the poor girl, she just went into the bathroom to take a piss, and then there was this guy that went in there and just sat down and peed after her.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I'm telling it on a big podcast.
I'm sorry, Emma Stone.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, Emma Stone.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry I did. You did nothing wrong.
I did nothing wrong. I don't think it's not.

Speaker 2 If you feel a hot lady's body eat on the toilet, there's a lot of people.

Speaker 1 But it's creepy a little bit. I'm sorry I'm taking it my phone.
I just want to make sure my hair is still good because these fans are just fucking unboxing. It looks great, dude.

Speaker 1 All right, we're good.

Speaker 1 You guys can't stop.

Speaker 1 What I want to do is hang an ornament right off that Christopher Reeves curl. Yeah, just right there.
That would be actually really good. What do you think of that? That's nice.

Speaker 2 That'd be really nice. What do you think of that?

Speaker 1 Mistletoe. Yeah, you just put it right there.
Yes, right on the fucking mouth.

Speaker 1 I just, by the way,

Speaker 1 I just looked out my phone to

Speaker 1 see my hair. And then I just looked at a quick text.
And I have a special coming out for Hulu in February. And I just got a text from the person who runs it, like, hey,

Speaker 1 we really need to have a conversation. So just call me when you can.
I'm like, here we go. It's over, baby.
It's over. There it is, folks.
And it's gone. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just like the way, you know, I just think it's done now. So this will be a fun next 30 minutes for me to just know it's just waiting.

Speaker 1 Just waiting, just and then calling her and then her not calling me back for a week. That would have been weird if it was Emma Stone who texted you.
Like, whoa, that would have been weird. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I would have, that's, that's very funny. It's funny you have to sit with that for the next half an hour and let's deal with it.

Speaker 1 I mean, here's my thing.

Speaker 2 I don't think it's that creepy. That's like, that's like a mercy because it's creepy would have been like waiting right by the door to try to do like a rom-com.

Speaker 1 Like, oh, so, oh, my God. Like,

Speaker 2 oh, crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm Yannis. Do I know you? Yeah.
Yeah. She probably gets people that like want to take pieces of her hair, her skin.

Speaker 1 If the worst thing about you, you want to sniff her toilet seat after she goes to the bathroom, she might be like, we can actually go on dates. I didn't sniff her seat.
Not a sniff. Not a sniff.

Speaker 1 Feel her warmth. Feel the warmth of her body on her.
You would have done the same as what you're saying?

Speaker 2 Yeah. We're going to waste it.
You know, like, look, that's. her body heat.
Yeah. It's going to just fade up, or you can just enjoy it before it gets like inducted back up.
There's no rule against it.

Speaker 1 I have to go to the bathroom, and it happens to be Emma Stone and I want to just sit in your body heat, I'll do that.

Speaker 2 And he didn't like jerk off. No, but I mean, I.

Speaker 1 But even if he would have, it's his, it's he, I didn't do anything. Yeah, it's his face, but I didn't do anything, but I have not bathed the bottom half of my body since.
Yeah. So she's with me.

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's creepy. She's with me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, you did absorb her body heat.

Speaker 1 Part of her does live inside of you. I mean, I do hang out outside her house a lot and take photos, but that's a different thing.
That's public property.

Speaker 1 Girls love that stuff, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm upset you said that. They do.
Because girls, as much as the world we live in, we're like, do not objectify me, feminism, they want you to tell them how hot they are at all times.

Speaker 2 And you want, they love, they'll be like, that's so weird. But if they like, say they took a dump and it kind of stinks, if you just stood in the bathroom and you're like,

Speaker 2 they're like, oh my God, get out of here.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I fucking love that.
I fucking love it. Yeah.
I love that. Yeah.
Dude, whatever. And when I wake up next to my girl, if she's like, you know, I try to like kiss her in the morning.

Speaker 1 She's like, no, stop. She has morning breath.
And I just fucking burrow in there like a gopher. She loves it.
Yeah, dude. They love it.

Speaker 1 It's a thin line. It's a thin line between complimenting them and creepiness.
It's a thin line. Well, there's actual in stench in the stink of men and women.
I think there's actual,

Speaker 1 what's the like term for

Speaker 1 pheromones? There's actual pheromones in that.

Speaker 1 Yep, yep, boom. 200.
I don't know why your thing went off. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think that's a fact. I think that's what we call on the history of any news a truth bader Ginsburg.
Yeah. That there's pheromones, there's pheromones inside stench that that

Speaker 1 actual, like that's what you're supposed to have stinky sex. I think so, man.
That's sex. Are you sure?

Speaker 1 Because that's just something Jim Norton told you because he likes to get women's shit on his chest. That's what Jim Norton told me after he was like, just drink this.

Speaker 2 No, dude, I agree. If I, still to this day, if I smell like

Speaker 1 when

Speaker 2 women put on deodorant, but their body odor still comes through a little bit, that smell drives me like absolutely.

Speaker 1 I love a girl with pit smell. It's a little bit.

Speaker 2 A little bit through the deodorant. It's just like, fuck, I love that.

Speaker 1 Do you like a girl with a little bit of fumes? Yeah, I honestly don't mind it. Yeah.
I don't mind a lot of fumes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't mind a little bit.

Speaker 2 Fumes.

Speaker 1 Are you talking about coming off the box? Yeah, I'm talking about a little fumes.

Speaker 2 It depends on the fumes. I prefer no.
Here's the thing. I can take if it's like...
Pungent, but just like kind of like bold spices. But if there's the fish smell.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can't do it. Can't do that, man.
But there are girls, what we say on our show is there are girls, though, that we call swim-throughs, where you will swim through.

Speaker 1 They're so hot where you will swim through fumes just to bang that.

Speaker 1 Like if Tim Kardashian had fumes, she'd, she'd be considered a swim through. Yeah, she'd be considered a swim through for Rome.

Speaker 1 Meaning, what we mean by that is you'd swim through her fumes just to bang her out, and then for Rome, meaning if we were living in ancient society, she would be taken for the Roman Empire, ripped away from her mom and dad, and she would be part of the harem of King Yannis.

Speaker 1 That's how hot she was. That's what it would be of Emperor Yannis.

Speaker 2 And you'd probably fix that. That'd be nice to like.
Take a girl like that and then fix her fumes back in Roman times.

Speaker 1 Yeah, now.

Speaker 2 But in Roman times, that was chilled.

Speaker 1 And be like, dude, I'm going to fix your fumes. Dude, in Roman times, that was a real worry.
Like, you're going to fix your fumes. It was like a shop in Rome and fix your pubes.

Speaker 1 Crown from the ground, huh? Dude, in Roman times, that was a real worry. Like, imagine being a father and you know your daughter's like 16 and a smokeshot.

Speaker 1 You're like, this girl's going to get taken for Rome. The emperor is going to come and take her when they come to our town.
They're going to take her for the harem, and I can't do anything.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and that's just nothing. I know for a fact if I was an emperor, that's just, unfortunately, that's what I would do.
Yeah, well, I would just roll around my chariot and go. Do you think?

Speaker 2 But back then, I think it was kind of like if your daughters got snatched up by an emperor, you'd be like, fuck yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I five your wife. And be like, we fucking did it.

Speaker 1 Well, they did. If they snatch you up, according to the research we've done, if they've snatched up your daughter for Rome, which is a real thing,

Speaker 1 you would get a tax break. So it's like, you know? We're not cruel? Yeah, you don't have to fucking hit taxes that year because we took your kid.
So what are you going to do?

Speaker 1 Do it for the bad dude. It's a write-off.

Speaker 1 That's a really great Republican platform. Why not? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You guys want lower taxes? Give me your daughter. Dude, I think Olympic athletes that win gold medals should pay no taxes for a lot.
I think that's because you're not going to get any money.

Speaker 1 So my thing is like, if you win the gold medal for us, no taxes. I like that idea.
Right? And you got a podium? I think it's great. That's it.

Speaker 2 I didn't realize they get fucked over so bad. How do you spend your whole life doing that? And then it's just like, then they don't give a fuck about it.
You got a silver medal.

Speaker 2 I guess you can start your own type of lessons back home.

Speaker 1 You got to be like a super seller. Like Simone Biles gets money.
Yes. Michael Phelps got real money.

Speaker 1 Whoever gets the bronze medals and worked there until he's not real.

Speaker 2 And it's so impressive.

Speaker 2 You're like the third best person in the world. It's like, yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 You're right. They shouldn't pay taxes.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 And then military shouldn't pay taxes. Yeah.
And I think if you did the right thing in November, you shouldn't pay taxes.

Speaker 1 And I did the right thing.

Speaker 1 My opponent here, he thinks nobody should pay taxes. I believe that the government should pay for gender reassignment surgery.
That's my position. That's what it is.
Yeah. Johnny Gozale.

Speaker 1 Yanni Gozelefi. I think that's my position.

Speaker 2 Gender reassignment.

Speaker 1 Dude, we met with our driver. So you can have something to jerk off to.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, our driver, you saw that clip. Yeah.
Yeah. And ain't nothing wrong with it.
I'm off the porn. I'm off the porn.
Yeah. Ain't nothing wrong with it.
Not at all. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sometimes you just look and you go, I'm fooled.

Speaker 1 I'm fooled. Sometimes the guy in a wig, you just go, you know what? I'm fooled.

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, man, it's like you watch the porn and it's just like, it just starts to be like, yeah, you watch it so much and you're like, what's this? And it's just a new thing.

Speaker 1 Well, it's disassociation. Like Sanice was telling me yesterday.
He was like,

Speaker 1 and then you start to think about, how come my wife doesn't look like that? Why don't we do that?

Speaker 1 Where's your penis, baby? I've said that to her a few times.

Speaker 2 Here's the eternal question. What would you rather do? So if you had to have sex with a like a straight up, you know, Buck Angel?

Speaker 1 sure like a dude with a pussy or a lady of the dick who would you rather tranny yeah i mean can i do it quicker

Speaker 1 yeah it's crazy yeah it's it's a weird it's i'll even go one further like a hot beautiful tranny with a great personality because it's not all about the physical for every woman or uh like a butchy lesbian or roseanne o'donnell Trance.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I love trans. You wouldn't take down like a stud.

Speaker 1 And I'm just, I'll just pretend if we're having sex that my penis was so big it popped out the other side. Right.
So you got to do is use your imagination.

Speaker 1 Well, we watched a science video about the neuroscience of the brain.

Speaker 1 We watched this a few years ago where they said actual, from a scientific point of view, the highest climax, the best orgasm a man can have is when they're watching transgender porn because the number one things, the one and two things that men are attracted to most men are big boobs and a big dick.

Speaker 1 So even if that is a thing. And that's heterosexual men.
We're not talking about gay men. We're talking about.

Speaker 1 Because a heterosexual man, even if it's not transgender porn, will fast forward subconsciously if the man's penis is not big enough while they're watching it.

Speaker 1 Because everything, we mirror everything. So a big penis and big boobs, theoretically, would get the most excitement from the male brain.
And that's a transgender person.

Speaker 1 And that's another truth bader Ginsburg. It's a truthbed ginster.
It's subconscious, and it's just the way it is. And the truth is that gay guys don't watch that.
They don't like it.

Speaker 1 Gay guys are not in there.

Speaker 1 Some of it's impressive. You're going, look.
It's almost like impressive. It's like when you see when a Puerto Rican soups up a car, you're going like, look what they did with that fucking Honda.

Speaker 1 The ground. Sound effects.
Yeah. You're like, oh,

Speaker 1 this was a guy.

Speaker 1 Look at the rims he put on the look at those fucking rims he put on that body.

Speaker 1 And you're not gay. Like, I think we sit and think a lot.
We're gay. And that's why it's great to be in comedy and have gay friends.
Because I've asked Mateo Lane multiple times, am I gay?

Speaker 1 And he said, no, you're not gay. You're just feminine.

Speaker 1 That's not gay. It's not gay.
You're more like a woman than a man, but you're not attracted to men. And that's because you really don't know, man.

Speaker 1 As your brain starts to develop, you're like, I don't know because I will not immediately push a handsome man out of my brain if he pops in while I'm masturbating. I'll let him hang out a little bit.

Speaker 1 But that's just being more of a woman, not a gay man.

Speaker 1 Because we've said it many times, and Giannis is the one who discovered this, that I like to, I fall in love with men, but I have sex with women, and that's just who I am. But that's not gay.

Speaker 1 According to Mateo, who I would say is like, I mean, he's the top gay. And they can tell.
If they're

Speaker 2 gay, they can look at you and be like, damn.

Speaker 1 He's told me to do it. I mean, but Chris did try to crawl in my bed last night and cuddle with me.
Yeah. Really? Because I just got a little freaked out because my TV wasn't working.

Speaker 1 I don't like sleeping in the dark. So I just knocked on Giannis' door and I said, Can I just fucking post up in here? He does chill.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I couldn't, but then I couldn't because his feet smell so bad. So I just

Speaker 1 rather sleep with the fear of Ted Bundy popping out of a closet. Well, that was your hetero kicking in being.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like the smell is off. And you're like, what the fuck? Am I? I got to get out of here.

Speaker 1 I got to get out of here, dude. Because if I was a real gay guy, then I would have just fucking went in and tried to, you know,

Speaker 1 you would have washed his feet and then 100%, dude. It's nice.
Made it work for me. Just a quiet, blood, slow blowjob.
But you're a big fan of history. Yeah, just a quiet, slow one.

Speaker 1 That one made me like, I felt that one. A quiet, slow blowjob to your male friend.
Like, that literally, like, it actually made me like pause.

Speaker 1 Like, we're fucking around, but that one I have to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 Like, like, you grab onto the podium, like, holy shit, Matt went crazy just now. The quiet and slow is gayer than the blowjob.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 If he would have been like, oh, a teethy blowjob, I'd be like, ah, yeah, man, but quiet and a fucking manly one. Like, yeah, that one, like, that's another one.

Speaker 1 I'll just probably think about that now.

Speaker 1 He's like, the fuck are you doing, man? You're going to get a a text from me like 4 a.m quiet and slow question mark

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Speaker 2 Also, guys, before we do, happy new year, by the way. Happy New Year.
And with the new year, I am glad to announce we're out of the podcasting desert, man.

Speaker 1 We're after this week.

Speaker 2 Business as motherfucking usual. Thank you guys for

Speaker 2 trudging through the podcasting desert with me.

Speaker 2 It was interesting. And

Speaker 2 like I said before, it was a crucible situation.

Speaker 2 In the crucible, you are steel is melted down and reforged into sometimes a stronger, sometimes a weaker shape. But I'm excited to announce that anyway.
I don't know. I'm very tired.

Speaker 2 I stayed up late last night and now I have to do advertisements.

Speaker 1 Let's get back to the show. But yo, yo,

Speaker 1 we talk about this all the time, and you love history too.

Speaker 1 On our show, we talk about when you look back at history at all the empires, just the top guys, like the viceroys and the emperors and all that, they just engaged. They took whatever was on the table.

Speaker 1 Men, women, eunuchs, boys.

Speaker 1 And like, they were the toughest dudes. Like, Alexander the Great was like the most masculine guy.
And that guy had a straight-up boyfriend.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 He had boys. And he had a, but an actual like lover that was his, I can't remember his name.
I'm forgetting. Someone Greek.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 it was a battle boy.

Speaker 1 He took a boy into battle. It was a battle boy.
No, but it was, no, he had one guy that was like his 13-year partner. And when that guy died, he made it like a holiday.
He quieted.

Speaker 1 He was like, it was like a, he was like, he was beside himself. Damn.
And yeah, I think he just was in a great depression because he was in love with a guy. There were no labels back then, though.

Speaker 1 That's the thing. It's like you being gay or straight was irrelevant.
They didn't care about that. It was like, it was more of like, do you love your country and want to fight in war or not?

Speaker 1 But you being gay, they were like, we don't, that's not

Speaker 1 everybody's banging guys, girls, animals. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 So now, because dude, even like the label of being gay, that's like 150, 200 years old. Even in Abraham Lincoln's time, nobody cared that the guy,

Speaker 1 who was it, the guy before him, James Buchanan. Yeah.
He was like known gay, never had a wife. They used to call him, they used to call his like guy that was always with them.

Speaker 1 I think they used to call him like Aunt Nancy or something like that, which is a gay term back then. But like the people didn't care.

Speaker 1 His political opponents didn't slander him with that because they were like, nobody cares about this.

Speaker 2 So it only came later in life, like, oh, being gay was taboo well it's crazy too that you know if you think about how strong gay must be to like fight through like biblical like the bible belt stuff and even i'm sure in medieval christianity it was probably kind of frowned upon oh yeah heavily yeah in

Speaker 2 puritan times every gay just like kept bubbling under the surface and eventually was like

Speaker 1 yeah we're fucking gay

Speaker 1 whole society had to be like all right our bad we got it's a strong strong uh driving force listen to this like people are like oh peep but pete butich Pete Budich.

Speaker 1 Well, we say Pete likes it in the Budichech. Yeah, he does.
Unfortunately.

Speaker 1 And I don't know why his political opponents, like, if he ever went up against Trump, Trump, that would what Trump should say. Pete likes it in the Buddha check.
That would go viral. That would be.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's going to watch us and take that. Yeah.
But my point is. He can take it, dude.
People think that's so shocking that

Speaker 1 a presidential candidate who was gay, but when you look back at the Roman Empire, Trajan was a full gay dude, and he was like the best Roman.

Speaker 1 He was like one of the ones by historians that's considered to to be like one of the best emperors and he was just a gay guy yeah he wasn't even into like i'm gonna marry my horse or you know he was just love bad i love he was a gay guy and the clarity the clarity must be amazing to like not be just kind of like dealing with like a lady like if you're a gay like and women are like

Speaker 2 you're just like i i for real i'm not doing this we're immersed in like yeah you know we're immersed in women's thoughts if you have a wife and you're a straight guy it's just like you're constantly just dealing with just whatever you know just a minor problem that if you're a gay guy that imagine if those problems never cross your radar.

Speaker 2 Think, I didn't eat all day. You know, you have to be like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 You can get a lot done.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can really crush it.

Speaker 1 You could look at Michelangelo and you're like, that guy got a lot done because he didn't have to listen to those. Like people with smaller brains.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bill Burr has like a good bit, like paraphrasing about like, if you see like a lesbian, a 35-year-old lesbian in a bar who's married and a 35-year-old married guy at a bar, straight guy, they have the same look.

Speaker 1 Like they're both angry, pissed off. But then a 35-year-old gay guy, like he was like, have you ever seen a sad gay man? And it's the truth.
You have never never seen

Speaker 1 fun live in the party.

Speaker 2 There's also, there is actually a kind of a dark element to just like,

Speaker 2 we used to do a comedy show in a gay bar. Right.
And they were so mean to the female comics.

Speaker 1 Good. Oh, yeah, they are.

Speaker 2 Fucking ruthless. Like a lady was on.
They'd be like, boo, honey, you stink.

Speaker 1 And like, I was like, oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ruthless. They can get kind of nasty.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they can get really nasty.

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Speaker 1 You know what I just thought of? You know what's really funny to think about? Michelangelo, fully gay guy,

Speaker 1 painted the Sistine Chapel. All the people that come in and pray, like, hate homosexuals, but like the biggest Christian icon in the world was made by a flaming $3 bill.

Speaker 1 I think that that's like kind of poetic justice for the gay community.

Speaker 2 It's also imagine him just drawing all those beautiful baby penises too.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You need the master.

Speaker 1 Like do you think after he sculpted David when he just that because that penis is like remarkably small, he doing like this? Yeah, just give it a kiss on the wall.

Speaker 1 Magnificent.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's the masterpiece.

Speaker 1 That is a good point you bring up. It's mostly baby penis that he was painting.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And all the popes came in, they're like, fucking perfect, bro.

Speaker 1 You know, that was

Speaker 1 started by some powerful dude with a small dick, and he was like, everyone's dick's going to be small. I don't want anyone to see.
Because people probably saw each other's dicks all the time.

Speaker 1 They only had togas on. So when they sat down, I mean, they didn't have underwear yet.
No, and you had to live communally a lot. A lot of people, people just lived in the same one big room.

Speaker 1 So this whole taboo of like sex is in private wasn't really a big thing back then. Like

Speaker 1 kids would watch their parents have sex as if they would watch a guy work out or whatever. They were like, it's just, we all live amongst each other.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're like, yeah, get out of the way. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You ever see how they shit in those old Roman latrines where it was just like, no, we all shit together. It was

Speaker 1 public toilets. And

Speaker 1 they would hang out and it was social for them. They'd shit next to each other.
What about toilet paper? What would they use? That's the thing. I think they used water.
They used water. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Just wash your ass with soil water. They didn't use leaves.
I think they used water. They didn't have it back then.
Even the hair of a unique thing.

Speaker 2 Dude, medieval London was the same. If you had to to take a shit, you were supposed to walk out of town and shit off the bridge and it would just fall in the river.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But if you got caught dumping your thing, they would really fuck you up. They would, the, the,

Speaker 2 fucking the butchers, too, would just throw entrails out into the street every day.

Speaker 1 So you'd walk and there would just be like rotting fucking animal carcasses. Downtown Manhattan, right? That famous like lake, remember? Downtown.
Oh, yeah, the

Speaker 1 old Manhattan. Yes.
Yeah. Collect Pond.
Yeah. That's what it was called.
Collect Pond Collect Pond. All the butchers, all the waste, human waste.
gangs in New York Time. Yeah, gangs in New York Time.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was just this disgusting lake that had all the waste from animals and butchers.
They would do it. It just, yeah, we always say history stank.

Speaker 1 I mean, it just, you can smell when you think about what history must have smelled like. It just was Teddy Roosevelt who was the one that changed it all.

Speaker 1 Teddy Roosevelt instituted like the sanitation department and would come guys dressed in all white, like, we got to clean this up.

Speaker 1 Because, dude, the idea of like a germ being discovered, that that was the Louis Pasteur, that wasn't that long ago.

Speaker 2 No, you you know who actually discovered germs before Pasteur? There was a guy, he was a doctor in, like, I don't know, I forget where he was, somewhere in like maybe Belgium or somewhere.

Speaker 2 And they were doing this thing. I was just talking about this last night.

Speaker 2 So back then, they would deliver the babies. You know, a lot of babies died.
So, like, there was like where they put the dead babies was really close to where they delivered babies.

Speaker 2 So doctors would be handling dead babies constantly.

Speaker 1 Like, all right, here you go.

Speaker 2 And be like, all right, let me deliver this baby. So they're transferring like dead fetus germs to living feet.
And it was, it was killing like 50% of the babies. Right.

Speaker 2 And then this one doctor was like, dude, I think there's like stuff getting on our hands from these dead babies. And he started washing his hands with like a solution of whatever chemicals.
And the,

Speaker 2 and he, like, the, the infant mortality rate went down to like only like, you know, 7% of the babies were dying or something. Interesting.
And then he tried to tell the other doctors about it.

Speaker 2 And they were like, nonsense. We're doctors.
And doctors are gentlemen. And gentlemen are always clean.
And then they like told this guy he was crazy. He went to an insane asylum and he died.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then they eventually figured out out like, fuck.

Speaker 1 And he was true. He was totally right.

Speaker 1 Infant mortality rate, you know, like when people, you know, you think like, oh, from the 1500s, 1600s, oh, we would have been dead by 35, 40, but that's not true.

Speaker 1 Like all, like Benjamin Franklin, these guys lived to their 70s and 80s.

Speaker 1 It was the, the, it would say life expectancy of a male back then was whatever, 45, but it's because of the infant mortality rate. That's what science doesn't tell you.

Speaker 1 It's because so many babies were dying at. one minute old that it brings your average down.

Speaker 1 But if you passed, if you passed childhood, most likely you were going to live to your 70s and 80s like we are today. That's crazy.
So we don't live much longer.

Speaker 1 It's just we don't die as babies as much because back then, no processed food, working with your hands, out in the sun, all those things.

Speaker 2 That makes sense. That's crazy because I've been thinking about that nonstop, being like, damn, if it was like 200 years ago, I'd have been dead.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm

Speaker 1 most likely, I mean, you might have died as a child if somebody put some dead baby juice on you.

Speaker 1 But people did die of like, you know, viruses, germs. Yeah, you get a fever and you're done.

Speaker 2 And a lot of wives died in childbirth. It was really normal to have like three wives just from like your first two dying.

Speaker 1 Right. The weak definitely still kind of got, you know, it was more animalistic in the way that, you know, if you were at a weak immune system, you were going to go.
Yeah, you're out.

Speaker 1 Nowadays, you know, there's a lot of weak people walking around. Yeah.
Myself included. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Imagine trying to talk to like, you know, somebody in the 1700s about your mental health as a guy. They'd be like, what?

Speaker 1 The British are coming. Yeah.
What are you talking about? Yeah. Stab you with a bayonet.

Speaker 2 I think it was improper to even like bring it up.

Speaker 1 I think you had like a couple.

Speaker 2 Although, I did like the letters people wrote each other in history. That's something we got to start back up.
Just writing

Speaker 2 beautiful letters, long letters to each other.

Speaker 1 Instead of calling depression depression, they said, I'm suffering from melancholia. Beautiful.
That's awesome. They did it better.

Speaker 1 Nobody has a better joke about that than Greg Giraldo. You ever see that Greg Giraldo joke? Back in the day, it would be like some soldier would be like, Dearest mother, dearest Martha, I miss you.

Speaker 1 Please kiss the children on the forehead and your visage. I miss your visage with every battle.
And then now he goes, the letters now are like, dear Marie, don't fuck nobody. Yeah, I'll be back.

Speaker 1 It's true. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's kind of, it kind of sucks.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, Josephine's and Napoleon's letters are, I mean, I mean, Joe, talk about stench. Napoleon and Joe, Napoleon is saying, I can't wait to smell your bush.

Speaker 1 You said, get your pube, like basically paraphrasing, but he said, I want your pubes. When I get there, I want your bush as big as possible, and I don't want you to take a shower.

Speaker 1 And he would come in, feral, and he needed to bang her out with like a full, the stinkiest pussy she could possibly have. So she would not bathe.

Speaker 1 Like if she knew he was coming, she wouldn't bathe for like five, six days and just let the bush go because that's what he wanted. Wild boy, right?

Speaker 1 Dude, Joe, look up, if you're into that, look up the letters between Josephine and Napoleon. They are wild.
Just totally horrible. Like wild, dude.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Requesting the big, stinky bush is like pretty out.

Speaker 1 He wanted it.

Speaker 1 He wanted it. Big time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want that thing lost.

Speaker 1 Yes. He wanted it, dude.
And that's just how he's, you know, guys at the top always have some peculiarity about them. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 And here's the thing about Napoleon: he actually wasn't that much of a squeak.

Speaker 1 He wasn't that squeaky as a little guy under 5'6.

Speaker 2 Oh, because everybody was kind of short.

Speaker 1 He was like 5'7 or 8. You know what that was, right?

Speaker 1 It was British misinformation. What the British did that on purpose.

Speaker 1 There was a writer, I'm blanking on his name, but he wrote when the British were fighting the French that let's make Napoleon, because nobody really knew back then, let's just do all these political cartoons of him being really short.

Speaker 1 So it's not like he was over, like George Washington was legit 6'5.

Speaker 1 He was tall. Lincoln was tall.
But Napoleon wasn't tall like that, but he just was a normal height.

Speaker 1 So this whole idea of like Napoleon complex is there's truth in that, but he didn't suffer from it because he wasn't short enough. He was an average height for that guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude, it's fucking bullshit. This lets you know, man, like a lot of the stuff in history is just not true.
It's just misinformation.

Speaker 1 Dude, even with fake news. It's fake news.
Trump's not wrong with that.

Speaker 2 Dude, he really did blow the lid off. I mean, I remember watching the news when I was like 20, but I was always like very stoned all the time.
And I was like, dude, this just shit is fucking fake.

Speaker 2 But then I would still like read the headlines and be like, there's got to be some modicum with truth to it. And then, like, he really did blow the lid off that dude.

Speaker 2 I was like, oh, shit, we are being all lied to.

Speaker 1 Dude, I read this book. I read 1776.

Speaker 1 And then this book, The British Are Coming. And they basically were saying that even the Declaration of Independence, that was all made up by the founding fathers.

Speaker 1 They created this idea of like, oh, we want to be free from the British and independence. But like, like that wasn't when the Revolutionary War started.

Speaker 1 It was all they wanted, all the people were saying was, we just want to be taxed. If we're going to be taxed, we just want to be represented in parliament.
That's it.

Speaker 1 Because we don't want the British to leave. Because if you think about it, put yourself in the mind of a colonist back then, besides like a select few wild patriots, but most of the colonists.

Speaker 1 I just got instantly racist. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Get in there. He's like, oh, yeah.
Put your mind in it as a colonist. You just sit over there and don't talk.
Yeah, I got some guys in chains. I was just listening to your instructor.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 what's this mexican doing all right yeah sorry they didn't even know what that was back then jesus look at this dirty irish wick they're all drunk drunk sorry you're about to go outside and hate your business yeah i'm hating myself you dirty greek yeah you greek

Speaker 1 but you white n-ward

Speaker 1 sorry that's okay i put myself in the mind of a colonial that's what it is

Speaker 1 it just got in the super stream oh yeah there was a time you'd look at him and if you were back then we'd go this fucking dirty irish

Speaker 1 racist against the irish

Speaker 2 in in new york they were bad they were terrible though when you read about like what they were up to you're like gosh these guys must have been terrible oh god college

Speaker 2 i was reading uh i was reading angela's ashes and like it's so sad the first chapter just like the author introduces his family his little sister dies just like in a stroller by herself at night time the family's like they're just all devastated so they go back to ireland and they're on a boat the mom's on the boat she's pregnant again and she gets sick and as they're looking at the statue of liberty she's explaining it to her family she's like i look how beautiful this is and then she goes, and threw up.

Speaker 2 And it just, the vomit just missed it in the wind and just went on all the other passengers.

Speaker 2 And they're all like, you fuck, goddammit.

Speaker 1 Let me get the fuck out of here. Fuck you.

Speaker 2 And he just watched seagulls eat his mom's vomit as they like sailed away.

Speaker 1 It's beautiful.

Speaker 2 It is kind of beautiful in a way. But it was the spray of just being like, oh, they're taxed.

Speaker 2 Just crushing all the passengers.

Speaker 1 Dude, so these colonies, they would, the declaration,

Speaker 1 they just wanted to be taxed, right? They just wanted to be represented by Parliament. But back then, they were like, if you were a 13, if you were a colonist,

Speaker 1 you wanted the British because you had to the north, the French, who at that point wasn't on your side and they would kill you and take your land.

Speaker 1 And then to the south, Spain, who definitely didn't like you.

Speaker 1 And then to the west, Native Americans who absolutely despised you. And the only thing stopping those three people from coming to kill you were the British.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Because they were like, we're one of the,

Speaker 1 you do not fuck with Britain. That's a British subject.
So, but then the war is going on, you know, 1775, whatever.

Speaker 1 All the soldiers, they did nine months, months, but they were like, well, dude, we got to go home. We're going to lose to these British fucks.
We got to go home because we got our farms.

Speaker 1 We got to take care of our farms. Our wives are dying.
Like the, oh, who knows? We have to go back. And they just started leaving in droves.

Speaker 1 So Washington, Thomas Paine, Common Sense, was like a pamphlet, like the first viral thing that ever happened.

Speaker 1 George Washington told Thomas Paine, dude, you're like a great writer. Why don't you make up, can you make up something to like galvanize these guys to come back?

Speaker 1 So they came up with, what if we change this messaging from taxation without representation to let's be free from the tyrannical Brits. Let's just be free from these fuckers.
Don't you hate them?

Speaker 1 And then that messaging started to get into people's minds. And then next thing you know, they're fighting the British.

Speaker 1 And they're like, this is not even what we wanted, but we just believe the fake news. And then obviously, as you know, Benjamin Franklin had to go over to Paris and bang some of

Speaker 1 King Louis's concubines to get in Louis' ear. And then he convinced fucking, he convinced the French to get into the war because the French hate the British more than anybody.
And then we won.

Speaker 1 But that was not, so it was fake news. How it starts.

Speaker 1 That's what these books said. Really? Yeah.
And that was the last time the French were tough. Yes.
Yeah. Dude, they got fucking steamrolled in World War II.
Big roll.

Speaker 1 We got to talk about that for another day, but the French got absolutely fucking field goal kicked in in World War II, and they were the number one seed. They were the number one army in the world.

Speaker 2 They were killing it for a while, but they would always bankrupt themselves. That was a problem.
Everything I've read about French history is them being like, all right, how much money do we have?

Speaker 2 Like, nothing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Fuck.
Dude,

Speaker 1 another fun fact, history with the French, like Dunkirk, when they got like steamrolled in Dunkirk and we almost lost everything, whatever.

Speaker 1 I read something that said one of the main, one of the, of course, Germany was this crazy army on a mission, whatever, but Hitler would not allow the German soldiers to get prostitutes.

Speaker 1 Or if you got caught masturbating or drinking, you could take the Ponzer chocolate, which was crystal meth. So they allowed meth.

Speaker 1 But no banging prostitutes and no masturbating and no alcohol.

Speaker 1 because he wanted like a fucking tip-top army where the French were encouraging prostitution and were encouraging you to like be free, sexually free.

Speaker 1 And supposedly, there was sexual STDs running rampant through the French army those last six months before the Nazis took over them.

Speaker 1 And these guys were like fighting with like active chlamydia and VD, where the Germans were just coming in fully loaded cocks on crystal meth, ready to steamroll. Damn.

Speaker 1 And that's like a big part of why they just beat the shit out of everybody. But then as the war went on, the crystal meth, obviously, you can't take that for so long.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then even Hitler, you started to go nuts. Yeah.
It's just like rock and roll. They had better drugs.
Yeah. like the best bands had better drugs.

Speaker 2 Dude, that's what they're saying. Meth psychosis and like World War II as a Nazi soldier must have been dude from imagine coming out of that.

Speaker 1 A lot of Nazi soldiers killed themselves when they got back to Germany because they were like, not only does the world hate us, but like, I didn't want to do this. I was on meth.

Speaker 1 And I killed all these people and did all this shit, and now I'm done. And then they killed themselves.
Yeah, I don't think you could, I think, I think you can't do war without drugs.

Speaker 1 You have to be on a lot of them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think so. I think you're just ripping daddies now.

Speaker 1 You got to be a real psychopath to just go sober. Sober?

Speaker 2 It's hard to do like like stand-up without

Speaker 1 drinks. Yeah, it'd be funny.
A guy facing death. He's like, no, dude, I got 13 days sober.
You guys drink. Dude, I mean, like, we're going to die.
I think this is drugs, dude.

Speaker 1 This is, I'm on using a drug right now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I needed it today, really. But yeah, I think a lot of it too is just nicotine.
I think they're just crushing fucking nicotine pouches.

Speaker 1 Whatever they do.

Speaker 2 Probably like 500 milligrams of caffeine a day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 2 There's a nice story about World War II.

Speaker 1 Nothing that would chill them out, that's for sure. What? They weren't in there micro-dosing mushrooms.
I think they would all be there.

Speaker 2 I think when they get there, when they get back, a lot of them do, actually, but not when they're there. But there was a story I read about World War II where the,

Speaker 2 I think the Nazis were in Italy, I think, at some point, and they were like, they came to the bridge. You know, Dante's, whatever, Inferno? Sure.

Speaker 2 So it was the bridge from the book where he first laid eyes upon Beatrice before she died. And it's an actual bridge there in Italy.

Speaker 2 And the Nazis, they could have blown the bridge up to keep the Americans who were ever off their ass. So they radioed, they had some sort of communication.

Speaker 2 They were like, look, we won't blow up Dante's bridge where he saw Beatriz because it's such a beautiful place. You guys got to promise to do like a 20-minute timeout.
And they were like, all right.

Speaker 2 And the Americans chilled for like 20 minutes.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 2 Let them cross the bridge and they didn't blow it up. And then they used it 20 minutes later and like pursued them.

Speaker 1 Wow. It was just like a weird moment

Speaker 2 in the middle of like war where they're like, dude, that fucking bridge.

Speaker 1 Well, that's like World War One. You ever seen that story about the French and the British on Christmas Day? They're sitting there in the trenches.

Speaker 1 They're there for a year.

Speaker 1 Each side has moved up like 50 yards max. They're in there.
There was no man's land, it was called, where it was all like, you know, mines and everybody would just die there.

Speaker 1 So Christmas, I forgot which side, but one of them basically called a timeout and they all went out to no man's land and had Christmas dinner together, drinking, eating.

Speaker 1 And then they went back December 26th and started killing each other. What the fuck? It's a fascinating thing in World War I.
Christmas dinner.

Speaker 2 It's got to be so nice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just hang out. You're like, this is just an regular guy.
I don't hate this. You're going to shoot him the next day.
And the next day, you're just blowing his finger.

Speaker 1 It just lets you know how big propaganda is in war. You need it.
Like, you just need it to be like, look at these dirty japs. You just need it.

Speaker 1 Otherwise, guys are going, why am I killing these people?

Speaker 2 You're committing mass murder. So, yeah, you have to.

Speaker 1 Or, dude, you didn't even bang your girl or like

Speaker 1 get the TV show you wanted. It is, yeah.
Yeah, it's a weird on and off switch in the society. There's no reason to kill this guy.

Speaker 2 No, you have, in society, you have to control murder. Then every now and again, you got to be like,

Speaker 2 you know who kind of sucks, actually?

Speaker 2 What if we just kill that whole country and everyone's like, get the fuck out of there?

Speaker 1 Or like the Japanese, like the emperor was just like, guys, if you fly your planes into the sides of this,

Speaker 1 fly your planes into the sides of the American boats, I can personally, I'm the emperor, dude. I can, I guarantee you're getting into heaven.
You're going to have whatever you want. They're like,

Speaker 1 I just did it. But that emperor is like, fucking, dude, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, our politicians know our weakness. All you got to do is like a little fake attack on us.
Yeah. A little something, like, and that gets us.
Yeah. Pearl Harbor, 9-11.
Drones.

Speaker 1 That's what attack anyway. They'll be like, we're going to this country.
They didn't have anything to do. And they're like, just fucking kill people.

Speaker 1 One of our fucking boats is going to be a bad thing. Nobody was like, wait a second.

Speaker 1 Why are we going to Iraq? Yeah. Everyone was just like, go, go.

Speaker 2 That was a total green light. Everyone thinks we're going to, I've heard people, I should say, who think we're going to go to war with China.
Like, that's inevitable.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, that'll be.
They're flying their drones right now over my house.

Speaker 1 Dude, honestly, dude, who is president? He's gone. I don't know.
If I was a president, I would just go to war with Portland. Yeah.
Portland would have to. I would just say, get these guys out of here.

Speaker 2 Dude, my theory is World War III, if we're all being smart, we should stop fighting kind of like, you know, between countries and have just all attack the oldest, like the elderly. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 Just plunder the elderly.

Speaker 1 Get them out of the world. Kick them out of the world.
You got to get your bloodthirst.

Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly. We all plunder.
We all make a deal. Like, look, let's just use all these advanced technologies we've created to

Speaker 2 absolutely plunder the elderly.

Speaker 1 Do you think we're going to come together as a planet and fight whoever's controlling the drones? Like these drone things?

Speaker 1 You think like the aliens, you think the alien invasion, this project, Blue Light or Beam Light, whatever? I don't know. Blue Beam.
I've heard what everyone's saying. I think it's called Blue Beam.

Speaker 1 Blue Beam. Blue Beam.
Blue Beam.

Speaker 1 Yeah, where it's like, you know, like where the countries are staging an alien attack, and they're going to say that these drones are going to get attacked by aliens and come together against a common good.

Speaker 1 That would be great. I've heard that.
I've heard that theory.

Speaker 2 Common enemy, they're going to use it to do like a one-world government situation.

Speaker 1 You think so?

Speaker 2 I mean, yeah, people get mad. I always say this, but I do think that kind of setup or that, I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 I don't know if we'll always be countries or if that unification will ever happen where we're like, because I mean, they have the EU now. Right.
So all it would take is like the U.S.

Speaker 2 I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 People get really whacked out about it. You got to unite people.
There's too many languages, dude. It always brings language, religion.
Yeah, true. What should we go? We go English one, Chinese two.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, what do you want to go three? The most beautiful ones. English, Spanish, French.
Chinese is out. Chinese out.
Let them learn French. Yeah, you know what?

Speaker 1 They can do it. Yeah, they can do it.
They can do it. They're the smartest people in it.
Smartest humans. Them and the Ashkenazi Jews.

Speaker 1 The Romance languages are the best sounding languages when you don't speak them. They are.
I'd like to speak that language.

Speaker 2 They are pleasant.

Speaker 1 Yeah. When I hear Hebrew, I'm like, I don't want to speak that language.
It's harsh. Hebrew's harsh.
When I went to Sicily, dude, I was fucking rock hard 24 hours a day listening to people speak.

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 2 French as well, man. I've always, I'm like, the French accent kills me.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'd love to.
Oh, so serious. Yes, Cassius.

Speaker 2 But yeah,

Speaker 2 I don't know. I mean, here's the thing.
If that happened, even if they staged a fake alien attack and we got to be like with like Russia, like, come on, brother, let's shoot down these fucking aliens.

Speaker 2 That would be fun. That would be.
How much better than COVID would that be?

Speaker 1 Being like, we're fighting the aliens together. We'd lose so quick if it was a real thing, though.
Yeah. I mean, dudes that can come here like light years.
I know we'd be done.

Speaker 1 Pow, pow, that's what our guns would sound like to them. Pow.
Yeah. Pow.
And they'd just be like,

Speaker 2 well, this is my argument for that.

Speaker 2 If you're able to get to that level of technology, I do think there's a good chance that you would have worked out the weird interpersonal kinks that would make you like a weird kind of like domineering warrior.

Speaker 1 But they may look at us like cattle, though, and be like, you know, they may look at us like ants or something, but like not even have that compassion because they're like, look at these stupid.

Speaker 2 That's true, too.

Speaker 1 They're like doing doing podcasts. They're talking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they might. They're probably digging the cast.
They probably dig.

Speaker 1 I think so. Yeah.
They might be the thing that they like.

Speaker 2 If you could hear, if they, I mean, they're probably smart enough. Imagine if you could, like, just watch ants and like get a full in-depth look into like what they're thinking and feeling all day.

Speaker 1 This is awesome.

Speaker 1 That's a good point, actually. That's a good point.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't think the drones are sniffing for nukes, though. That was a big theory to me.
They said it's nuke sniffers.

Speaker 1 And even if they are, I don't think the drones will, I don't think the nuke will go off because it's in America. I think the nuke knows, like, I'm home.
This is where it created me. I can't tell you.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I think the nuke, the nuke will do a quick scan and say, there's not enough Japanese people here.
I can't go off unless there's a certain percentage.

Speaker 1 Just kidding around.

Speaker 1 I just kidded it around. Yeah, it's just an AI character piece.

Speaker 2 It's probably AI now. It's probably full.
The nuke's probably conscious. It's like, I don't want to do this.

Speaker 1 But like, you know, you know, it was created here. So, like, the nuke kind of knows.
What do they think the drone's told?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they think they're going to set off the nuke or something.

Speaker 1 They think the drone's sniffing for the nuke where it is, to where it is to find it.

Speaker 1 Okay, so the issue is the nuclear weapons now, supposedly,

Speaker 1 have more power than Hiroshima, and they can be fit in a suitcase.

Speaker 2 I've heard, yeah. That's the issue.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, I mean, dude, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I had a guy on recently. He did James Fox.
He did like multiple documentaries on UAPs and UFOs and stuff. And he's like, I mean, he's totally convinced.

Speaker 2 He's like, dude, we've been contacted multiple times.

Speaker 1 But I don't know. I was like, what the fuck are you going to do?

Speaker 2 It's like, if you're worried about an alien invasion it's like bro you're totally powerless i have no fear of that for some reason i have zero even nuclear nuclear war i'm kind of like whatever yeah i just don't worry about it i'm like dude i don't know i was like that's gonna happen i hope it doesn't happen but you know i'm not gonna be like hey guys knock it off yeah you should really rethink this but it's like it would suck if it didn't like if it was like it put us in like the wasteland scenario but then it's like we get to all dune out so it's like I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, then the whole world would just look like 6th Street. Yeah.
Right here in Austin.

Speaker 2 You can go there and practice.

Speaker 1 This is why we come to Austin, dude. We're practicing for the new world.

Speaker 1 What a dump at night that street is.

Speaker 2 That'll be huge. If we somehow, if they can use the aliens to make us somehow

Speaker 2 all disarm our nuclear weapons, but no one's going to want to do it first.

Speaker 1 You know what would happen, though? The aliens would have us disarm the nuclear weapons, and then we would just go back to medieval warfare like 20 years later.

Speaker 1 We would just start attacking the regular way, which that would suck. No,

Speaker 2 we could still drop big bombs.

Speaker 1 They just couldn't no nukes.

Speaker 2 But when you're like murdering each other, you're going to get the itch. It's like,

Speaker 2 it's a catchy thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, because they say aliens only started showing up after the first nuke went off.
There were no alien sightings before 1944.

Speaker 2 That's what the guy James Fox was saying. It was like they're very drawing.
A lot of the sightings around military stuff have always been.

Speaker 2 And then I was like, well, what if it's just like super advanced technology they're not talking about? He's like, I mean, even that is like a whole thing in itself. He's like, it could be.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah.
I mean, Bob Lazar, I believe that guy Bob Lazar saw all that stuff years ago and was telling everyone about it.

Speaker 2 They're claiming they can do like full-speed right-angle turns, just like

Speaker 1 that.

Speaker 2 They said there was a pilot that like saw like a silver kind of like almost like cylinder object just buzzing around and he like did a nosedive to come down to see what it was and he said the thing spiraled up towards him and then when he kind of like he like tried to contain it it just was gone and then he they had like a latitude longitude and he was like when he got to the latitude longitude it was just there just like waiting for him rogan just posted yesterday on his instagram like to explain like this footage and it was like this unedited footage and it's just two orbs yeah that just happened i guess last night and they've just the way they shoot off into space is not and it's you know rogan saying this is unedited footage this is real yeah the problem is is like well there's like two things is you could fake that so easy you could fake that

Speaker 1 but there's all these like high-level military guys coming out being like no for real i saw it so like why do they risk their they either don't care about us they're like they're looking at us like we would look at ants and like what do we care or they're jerking off to us that's yeah because think about it when you jerk off to something shameful and then you just jet you like leave like so maybe they're just taking it out they're wanking and then they're and then their commander's like where were you and like he clears the search history yeah the ones who die are like the people who get caught like autoerotic fixed yeah yeah yeah dude he's how they're jerking off the humans and crashed

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 because it's the only thing they come and then they bounce so what are they doing

Speaker 1 what are they doing man i don't know i don't know they're either totally disinterested or it's a it's a fetish it's a kink for them. Yeah.
Or like I said,

Speaker 2 I just, you know, I hold out hope being like, dude, if you get that advanced, you must like, there's no way you get that advanced when you're still kind of self-destructive and all that.

Speaker 2 I think they might be pretty chill. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think one of the big things they probably, to get that advanced, I think they have no shame. Cause I think the thing that holds humans back is shame.
Yeah. Yeah.
Shame.

Speaker 1 It's like, yeah, but it's all our anger comes from shame and it's all projected out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but shame is pretty good, though, because it keeps you, like, you should have a sense of like, if you do a certain thing, like, there's going to be a bad feeling accompanying it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If I went home and like blew my dog and just like

Speaker 2 took a walk, that's a problem for society.

Speaker 1 I need to be like, what's a solid solution?

Speaker 1 It's a shame. Shame's not bad.
It's not a solid point.

Speaker 2 Shame's not a bad thing. What's a bad thing?

Speaker 1 Wrong. Yeah.
Because you just made a solid point.

Speaker 2 You need it, dude. Shame is a good thing.
It's like the, I mean, it's like the beginnings of your conscience.

Speaker 2 It's just your conscience, but it's like if you kind of get carried away with it, you can burden yourself with it. But like having no shame is not good.

Speaker 1 Not good. People might go far in life with no shame, but it's true.

Speaker 2 It's not good. It's not good.

Speaker 1 You got to have a balance. You got to be like, turn off the shame for certain things.
Yeah. And then, but then turn it back on when you're gonna blow your dog.

Speaker 1 Or are you gonna just, you know, take a kid into a fucking harem and drink their blood. You wanna turn the shame off for that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're slow blowing your dog.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you wanna turn the shame all the way up in a guinea party, and then you wanna just turn it off when you're fucking hitting the stage. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 God damn it. Dude, the slow blow is nice.

Speaker 1 It's really, dude, it's just going to be quiet, a quiet, slow blow job to a male friend. It's going to be something that

Speaker 1 I might honestly bring it up on Rogan and just ask his assessment.

Speaker 1 He would love that.

Speaker 1 What, man? What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 And I remember one time, I remember the last time I went on, I was saying how attracted I was to this trans actress on the show Baby Reindeer and thinking like he was going to be like, you know, back and forth.

Speaker 1 And he just went, ugh, that's disgusting. And then he just started talking about alligators.
Yeah, I was fucked.

Speaker 1 Once you get your correct.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Whenever I've done that show, once he starts talking about grizzly bears, I know I'm done. You're bombing.
You're bombing. It's like, you know what, man?

Speaker 1 You just got to cook it before trigonosis sets in. And I'm like, okay, I'm boring you.
Yeah. So that's the sign.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It is for real, dude. I'm, I'm, I'm like being genuine.
The ability he can, his ability to sit there for three hours and talk, it's uncanny. It's crazy.

Speaker 1 I don't know if anyone else who can do it.

Speaker 2 I can feel an hour in me, and I go, all right, I've hit an hour. And I start going, all right.

Speaker 1 And he does that, by the way, three times a week. It's not like he does it once a week.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's for real. Like, it's pretty nuts.

Speaker 1 He's such a busy guy. I think that's how he schedules in his socializing.

Speaker 1 Because he's so busy, man. It's good.

Speaker 2 After you podcast a lot, it does kind of suck when you socialize. You're like, dude, I should be getting paid for this, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why am I wasting my time?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm like, why am I giving gems to these people at dinner when I could just be doing that on the Patreon?

Speaker 2 I'm out with my neighbors. I could just be man on the street right now

Speaker 1 generating content. Yeah.
Dude, we were filming. We were literally talking to our driver yesterday because he was like a liberal guy from Texas.
So we were like going crazy.

Speaker 1 We couldn't believe that we finally met one, whatever. And he was like an older guy, and we're having fun, whatever, talking.
And we were recording the whole thing.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, this would be good on Patreon. And then at the end, when he's dropping us off, you know, he says, he says like the address of where we are.

Speaker 1 And then Yannis, like, oh, we probably shouldn't post that, dude. He just said the address.
And the guy was like, are you recording me? And then I slowly put down. I was like, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 But it's fun. The last bit we have, he goes, Are you recording me?

Speaker 1 So you can see that at patreon.com/slash history hyenas. We've already posted that puppy.
It's so funny. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He was doing Veritas on fucking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so we're like, that's actually like a crime, but we're just willing to do it if you give us five dollars a month

Speaker 2 no it's it's like investigative journalism project veritas yeah dude that was awesome awesome when they got guys being just gave a guy one martini and he'd be like dude oh fuck i'm so horny dude all this stuff in code is fake yeah

Speaker 1 did you see those videos yeah i don't know

Speaker 2 though are they real i think so i think they are real dude if you get a guy like you're getting crushed like dude if you like just go on like linkedin profiles and just have like a hot shake be like i'd love to come out and talk to you they'd be like oh okay

Speaker 2 yeah they'd be like dude we're fucking we're like making up half these fucking variants.

Speaker 2 And it was just like, there's a guy, he claimed that they were making variants so that they could get ahead of them so they could create vaccines for ones they made up.

Speaker 1 But here's the issue. He validated.

Speaker 2 He said that. So they're like, that's wild.

Speaker 2 COVID's out there, and they're like, well, what if we made a thing like it, got the vaccine for it, and then that way we're already ready if something like that strikes.

Speaker 1 But to Chris's point, this is why I don't think it's real. And it's probably like I sat up, like, you're going to be this guy because it is illegal.

Speaker 1 So, like, if that really happened, the guy would be like get in trouble. It's illegal.

Speaker 2 It's like a gray area with the journalists, though. I think journalists can do that somehow.

Speaker 1 Can they? I don't know. Well, maybe it's illegal and maybe they're actively suing them, but the whole it's out anyway.
Maybe eventually they'll take it down. But this is the best.

Speaker 1 Maybe they're willing to suck to take the lawsuit on the chin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just to say, it's a weird thing. It's a criminal defense, though, isn't it? I don't know if it's not.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know. That's a good question because I know you can't record a phone call.
Without the other person's consent.

Speaker 1 Right. So I would assume that it would be a good idea.

Speaker 2 Which I've heard that done a bunch of times.

Speaker 1 You just posted it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But you can,

Speaker 2 yeah, I don't know, man. It's a weird gray area because I feel like journalists have to be able to do that.
Like whistleblowers and shit do it all the time.

Speaker 1 I think probably if you do it, then maybe you, maybe you, I don't know anything, but maybe.

Speaker 1 Dude, the laws are like, well, like if you, any law, like if you've ever, when you were single, if you've ever like paid for a girl's Uber to come over to your house and then you guys have had sex, you've uber at home, you've technically sex trafficked her.

Speaker 1 True. Like that's all real.
It is.

Speaker 2 But yeah, but you have to trick her. You have to be like, yeah, which, you know, that is, there is some trickery there always.

Speaker 1 I guess, guess. Yeah.
I mean, like, let's watch a movie. We're not really, I don't want to watch the movie.
Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 I think, though, the problem becomes if she comes over and you bang her and then other guys come over and bang her.

Speaker 2 Did you see that shit in France?

Speaker 1 Yeah, this 50. We were watching on the plane.

Speaker 1 So we couldn't hear. What's the thing? 50 guys are going down?

Speaker 2 I think a guy was just kind of like, like, this is what Diddy was getting accused of with Cassie. or whatever her name is, Cassidy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Saying, like, he would just be like, imagine you took your wife out to a nice dinner, and then, like, when you got home, you're like, surprise, babe. And there were just, like, four dudes there.

Speaker 2 And she's like, ah, I don't really feel like it. And he's like, no, it's going down.
And he would just have her get allegedly have her get kind of banged out.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 And I think the French guy was going hand with it at the same setup where he'd be like, surprise.

Speaker 2 And it was just like four of his four dudes. I'm not going to say his bros.
I don't know if they're his bros or not, but it'd be like four or five dudes would just

Speaker 1 run banging out his wife. Yeah, just banging.

Speaker 2 And it was like, apparently, 50 dudes got caught.

Speaker 1 And he's a real wealthy, like celebrity in France, this kind of guy.

Speaker 2 I guess so, yeah. Which is the craziest thing to get caught with.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The human brain is wild, isn't it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, man. It's fucked up.

Speaker 1 And that's such a wild one, though, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They go, you're not going to fuck me.
All right. You just have dudes come through.

Speaker 1 Or they get off on it watching dudes kind of uncomfortably bang their wife. Yeah.
It's a weird thing. We got weird things.
It's crazy, bro. They all got something.

Speaker 2 Never me, bro. I'll do it.

Speaker 2 I would be so mad.

Speaker 1 No, I would, yeah.

Speaker 2 Third guy, you'd be like, what the fuck am I doing? This is.

Speaker 1 Oh, take three. Yeah.
Like,

Speaker 1 third, you're like, wait, this wasn't a good idea. Yeah.
I was fine with the first one.

Speaker 2 What's crazy is for you and 50 people to all go down together for that. That was, that trial must have been crazy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're all going down, too. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What is French

Speaker 1 jail even like, though? You think it's even that big of a deal? Probably cigarettes, baguettes, yeah, true.

Speaker 2 It's probably French jail is probably the gay sex service probably has that friendly.

Speaker 1 It's probably awesome. Well, it's loving.
Yeah, it probably is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's, I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 The French jail probably actually does suck.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, all jails.
I mean, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I wonder if the the food might be all right.

Speaker 1 The food's probably better than most. If you're a criminal, just take a flight to Norway and commit a crime and then you just live there.
No, no, no death penalty, no life in prison.

Speaker 1 Most of your prison time is on a farm.

Speaker 2 Dude, I saw a documentary about that. They have like guitars and shit.
They have like music rooms. You can just go play.
It's like that is kind of a good idea.

Speaker 1 It's like kind of like hanging out in a rec room of a luxury condo building. Like you just got everything you want, you're chilling.

Speaker 2 That wouldn't be bad.

Speaker 1 No, not at all.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can do a pretty sick crime.

Speaker 1 You can like crash a car into someone's house. Something like, you know, crazy.

Speaker 1 That guy in Norway who like

Speaker 1 killed all those school kids, like that awful thing, he's just, he's going to get out of jail. Is he just in a fucking open-air jail?

Speaker 1 I don't think he's ever going to get out, but the laws are that he should, but they keep finding

Speaker 1 out.

Speaker 1 But it's funny because technically he would get out, but because of what he did, they keep finding loopholes to keep him in there because their own laws, by their own laws, they're all about rehabilitation.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they just sent him to Guantanamo. Yeah.
Shift him to Guantanamo. He's like, all right, you're fucking, you're out of here.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because he shouldn't be there like doing like fucking, he's probably like getting emails and stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So that guy should be locked up.

Speaker 1 Dude, I mean, prisoners have Instagram in the U.S. like they're on, they know it's listening to pods.
I know. Yeah.
Chilling.

Speaker 1 But yo, where are we at time-wise?

Speaker 2 I don't want to keep you guys up.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 We're good. Let's get some breakfast.

Speaker 2 Yeah, let's fucking eat some breakfast. Thank you, guys, dude.

Speaker 1 Thank you for coming on. Oh, and by the way, January 18th, we're doing our first live History Hyena show at the Lincoln Theater in Washington, D.C.
Yes, dude. We're doing it, baby.

Speaker 1 Two days before the inauguration. So get down there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's going to be awesome.

Speaker 1 Get tickets at historyhyenasisback.com, Christycomedy.com, or Yannis PappasComedy.com. Yeah.
Hell yeah. Thank you, guys.
Thank you, brother. Hell yeah.