95: RIP to my 1st Wife with Ralph Barbosa | Soder Podcast | EP 93

It's here.

The golden retriever of comedy tour.

It's

in here.

September 5th and 6th, Stand Up Live.

Four shows.

Two Friday, two Saturday.

September 25th at the United Theater in Los Angeles, LA.

I know it's downtown.

I know no one goes downtown, but I promise you, I'm bringing a very good show.

It's going to be worth your time to go downtown.

September 25th, United Theater.

Then the next night, the 26th, I'll be at the Moore Theater in Seattle, which I'm very excited about.

And then the 27th, Revolution Hall in Portland.

Portland, you sold out.

So I love you.

Thank you for selling that out.

Seattle and LA,

pick up some tickets.

The shows are going to be very fun.

Dansoder.com for all dates announced right now on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour.

Thanks, and I'll see you out there.

Yeah.

By the way, we just jump in and record.

We don't do any interest.

Little League World Series.

I like, I like.

Little League World Series is, I'm going to pitch it to you.

All right.

You get to watch athletics the way they should be, which is purely for love of the game.

They don't understand pressure,

but they do.

You know what I mean?

Like, they just want to win and no gambling.

No gambling?

I don't think so.

We were looking into it.

I might be wrong, but Little League World Series, no gambling.

I like that.

I don't know.

I guess it could be fun.

It's just, I feel like

every kid who's like up to bat i'm just like he's got potential he's got potential he's also got potential we were watching it but here's the best thing it celebrates fat kids oh that's good you see fat kids and you go i guarantee this kid's gonna put something on the ball i guarantee this kid can fucking rock the ball fat kids with confidence end up being the funniest people in the world that's what it is and then they do these interview segments so when they win and they get to like the main little league world series it becomes like what we're watching was maryland versus pennsylvania and it is weird when you're just sitting around watching kids play baseball

but if you get high it's kind of fun because you're like

these kids this fucking means stuff also they're like i felt bad because their jerseys were just t-shirts and you're like dude if i got that far in a tournament i'd be like can i get a button up can i get like a real jersey can i get real gear should they at least maybe do they all get like the same brand like are they all haines jerseys or haines t-shirts at least yeah i'm thinking here's what i'm thinking long play next year not this season obviously it's too late we sponsor sponsor a little league all-star team.

That would be cool.

Like, buy immunis.

Yeah, yeah.

But if you sponsor them, like, what did it say?

Like, Dan Solder?

Oh, just say, like, we'll like, it'll be like, we'll go into business together, like a collective, you know, like the comedy collective.

And then they'll just have like sick gear.

Dude, me, you, Shane, we'll put together like a buyer's group.

I'm down.

And then we'll sponsor a little league.

Yeah, that would be cool.

I started a YouTube channel.

Could I sponsor them from my YouTube channel as well?

Yeah.

It's called Formula Bean.

Yeah, dude.

Formula.

Dude, Formula Bean jerseys?

Yeah.

Fuck that.

I'll be a silent partner.

I don't need my name on shit.

Formula Bean on the back of it for your car channel on YouTube?

Is that what it is?

Yes.

I'm fucking love it.

Dude, hell yeah.

By the way, obviously, Ralph Barbosa watches new Hulu special.

What's up?

Planet Bosa.

If you don't.

We'll both find you and kick the shit out of you.

Yeah, greatest special of all time.

People have already said it.

At least in the top 50 released this week.

or i'll top one of the top 50 specials out today today that got released today dude it's so funny because i know you're doing a press tour and it was very cool that you came by to do my apartment my my partner my podcast but bringing a crew i would i like my pr guy like he's cool but i feel like 70 of the podcast he got me on i'm like i could have just texted yeah that's always how it is that's how it is then when you're like i you know i know that guy right and then he's like oh cool

like when we pulled up outside, he was like telling the driver, he's like, are you sure this is where it's at?

I'm like, bro, I could just call Dan

and like ask him which one it is.

I can just see if it is his apartment.

But no, I refuse to call you.

Remember I used to open for you?

You refused to call you.

And now I don't open for you anymore.

Let's go get your shine box.

Yeah, I went and bought some shades.

Yeah, dude, I love it.

Because you know what?

This turn for me gets to be.

After you do this, I get to go, I knew him when he was a real man.

He was a real guy.

I knew him when he was a real guy.

I go, Shane didn't even change this much.

No, I'm changing.

I have half the success Shane has, but twice the Eagle.

It's almost like.

I went sunglass shopping specifically for this podcast.

Yeah, dude, what I like is when people freeze the frame, they're going to see how small this room is.

And watching your PR guy go like, so I danced too tiny.

My PR guy couldn't fit in here.

Couldn't fit in.

We squeezed out the PR guy.

It's like, yeah, dude, it's the room where I smoke weed and play PlayStation, and then I just set up cameras and do apartment.

His dog's name Myrtle.

Yeah.

Myrtle can't even fit in here.

Yo, Myrtle could free.

She's in her kettles.

Notice how she's behaving.

Guys, I want y'all to know that Dan Soder is an insane person.

And I insisted Myrtle join us for the podcast.

He's like, no, she goes in the cage.

I go, this is how I display my power.

I put her in the kettle.

And yo, listen to me, Ralph.

I'm going to put her in the fucking kettle.

I wanted to fight more for Myrtle, but I was like, this is house.

Dude, that's so funny.

That's where you find out.

You go, Soder's MAGA, dude.

You made a hard bag all day.

I go, ain't no Mexican going to come in my ass.

Tell me what to do in my goddamn down.

No, dude, Myrtle freaked the fuck out.

Yeah.

Ask, and by the way, Pimp, she loves him.

So, like, he comes over.

When it's just Katie and I, she's like laying around the house and she's like, yeah, you two suck.

He comes over.

She was fucking pinging down the hallway.

And then you guys came and she's like,

Mexican.

My backshack has, there's some flavor in this house, finally.

Spice it up a little.

No, for for the record though before you guys think that dan is just this crazy dog hater yeah uh myrtle went in the cage like on her own dude can i tell you something i play college football the video game and when i lose i get mad or whatever nothing hurts more than her laying on this couch and when i lose she goes

gets up and goes to her kennel like i don't know if she's disappointed that i'm mad at the video game or how that i lost at the cage dude my buddy's on that game the one that's in your living room really yeah yeah i don't know if he's on the latest one He's on 25.

I don't know if he's on 25 or 24.

No shit.

He's on one.

Yeah, he's a kicker.

He was a kicker for like Fresno State and I forgot what other school.

That's fucking sick.

Yeah, his name's Abraham Montano, everybody.

Somebody signed him.

He came to practice with the Jets, not the Jets, the Giants, but then they were like, nah, I go home.

Really?

That means he's fucking sick.

Yeah, he's got potential, you know?

I don't even know shit about football, bro.

Dude, I love that.

I got tips all the time.

Ralph got so famous that now he just has a crew like that where he goes, my buddy's a good kicker.

You want to see my friend hit a a 55-yarder?

I'm not like hanging out with like college football players.

Like, you want to go on the road?

Like,

him and his brother, his brother is the one I met first.

His older brother became like the photographer, videographer for stuff.

Like, three years ago, he just came to my show.

He's like, Can I take pictures?

Like, I'm not trying to make money.

I just want to take pictures.

I was like, Yeah, it's cool.

He was cool people.

So then the next day, he's like, Can my younger brother come?

And his younger brother showed up.

They're from

a town called Salinas, California.

It's like a lot of farmland.

Yeah, like, I mean, John Steinbeck wrote about it extensively.

I was going to tell you about that guy.

They brought a bunch of fruit and they were just cool people.

And later on, when I started making a little more money on tour and stuff, I was like, do you guys want to work on the tour?

Like, just come on the road order?

They go, yeah.

And you go, good, hit this 55-yard field goal in the wind.

I've never seen him kick in person, but he'll show me videos, and I'm just like, that's good, right?

Yeah.

It's,

I had a friend that was a really like a college punter, so he wasn't a kicker, but he was a punter.

And what's the difference?

Punters don't score points.

Punters, it's all about field position.

So like when the offense can't move the ball, they use the punter to put the ball.

It's all field position.

So punters just kick straight up.

Kickers kick it through the field goal.

So my buddy, who was a punter in college, my buddy Chad, he moved in with me in Tucson because it was warm all the time and he could like try to punt.

And one day he was like, do you want to go catch punts for me?

And I'm not like athletic.

And I was like, Yeah, I'll go do that.

Whatever.

I had like a cigarette.

I'd like put it down in the grass.

And punters can make it where it goes, where they can make the ball go like that, or they can make the ball go up and then like drop.

Oh, nice.

So they can make it come down faster.

And he put one of those on me and just fucking smashed me in the face.

How cool it would have been if you like actually just kept up though and just caught every ball

after after fucking just rip.

You ready?

Yeah.

All right, brother.

I blew it.

I blew it and it fucking, it fucking busted my lip up and shit.

Nah, sometimes you got to get hit in the face with the ball to remind you where you stand in life.

Damn, dude.

And that's from his new upcoming quote book.

Yeah.

I'm writing a self-help book.

Yeah, it's called You're Not Autistic.

You're just...

average.

Yeah.

You don't have any powers.

Yeah.

You don't have the good side of it.

You're not high-functioning autism.

You're mid-functioning guy.

That's the kind of life coach we need where people are like, you're just okay, dude.

Yeah, everybody has to just accept that.

Nobody wants to accept that.

You're just okay.

You're fine.

And that's all right, dude.

He's 72 overall.

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

I think I got like another year of comedy before like it just starts going downhill.

And like,

what do you mean downhill?

Yeah, I think like I'm going to either fuck up really bad or I'm running out of ideas.

Can I tell you right now, that was the most honest opinion from a comic that's doing well I've ever heard in my life where you go, yo, shit's getting hard.

And it's like, I got like four more bits that I got, and then I got to fucking go away for a while.

I feel like people keep wanting to see like the next card trick.

I'm like, bro, I don't even have cards left.

Yeah.

Yeah, it does feel like that.

Do you, I mean,

I like that you got into cars.

I immediately saw that you started buying.

That's my way out.

I learned how to steal catalytic converters.

Someone catches you and they go, all right, you remember how we watched Planet Bosa?

All right.

So I went outside and I swear to God, that dude clipped my Cadillac.

It's the Hulu guy, yeah.

You go, Ralph,

but I play it off, I'll be like, I'm just working out a bit, it's a new prank show, yeah, who's over there, they got the video, yeah,

yeah.

But the formula bean stuff is just fun.

I feel like it's helped my comedy because, like, I'm doing something else, yeah, so like I'm not just doing something you like, you know, when you're trying to write a new bit, like, too much, it's like you're too close to it, yeah.

So, yeah, yeah, so it's

you taking time off the road, yeah, my next tour starts in September.

I think the first stop is New york hey but it's only a seven city tour that's all over like five months that's incredible dude that's so funny that your agents knowing agents they were probably like what's up yeah you're like i'll do seven shows in five months they go

about

how about seven shows in two weeks they're like they're like um they're like whatever you want to do man you know you how many cities you want to do and and uh they they like mapped it out yeah and at first i was like yeah let's do that right and then when they sent me like the first like grid of like, there'll be this cities in this week.

I'll be like,

let's take off like three of those just so I can kind of like catch my breath a bit.

And you can hear in their voice, they're like, oh, all right.

Yeah.

Like, watch your Ralph is pressing agents.

It's just something that I fucking love because knowing, I mean, you know, we worked together at the Addison Improv a couple times.

You're fucking hilarious.

And you were a guy that exploded in a way that most of the time in this business when that happens you're like you feel crazy you were when it happened to you I was so happy because I was like Ralph's hilarious He came to New York one time to the seller and he was like this is how I knew Ralph

I knew he's good he's hilarious but he comes to the seller and he and he goes oh shit is that Greg Rogel

and I was like yeah it is Greg Roguel he's like that's my guy and I was like if Greg Roguel's go watch him if you haven't watched Greg Roguel he's a fucking fantastic joke writer hilarious comic yeah but everyone always goes like oh chris rock or something and rouse over there going like yo is that greg rogel man i was like you

i was like dude and then when you started blowing up i was like dude i would tell that story go i know barbos is all right because he

came in but yeah dude i mean dude's a good rider man he is he's a fantastic rider

dude yeah yeah but watching you like i like when you started buying the cars and i was following you along i was like dude this seems like whatever this is what you should be doing because it's it's it's fun shit man we put nitrous and turbo on the 89 Nissan 240.

We didn't even tune it.

It blew up on us.

It was amazing.

Aren't you racing them?

Yeah, we raced it.

It blew up after the race.

We won the first race and then we did a rematch and we let the guy get two car lanes.

Yeah.

And I'm just like smashing on the NOS, man.

I didn't know that you're supposed to purge it.

Apparently, in the NOS system, you get air in the, and you got to like bleed it.

You ever see when they in the movies or when they pull up to racism, they just spray the NOS.

It's like, I mean, that's all I know about NOS from Pastor Mysterio.

They spray it up.

I just assume it's all movie NOS.

Apparently, that's not for, like, looks.

Apparently, like, you have to let the air out.

Oh, they really, that really is, like, a functional thing for NOS.

Yeah, you have to, like, let it out, like, bleed the system before you race it.

And I didn't know that.

I'm just, like, smashing on it.

And then the car, like,

it shut off on me after the race, after the second race.

We lost already.

And then I was like, I was like, damn.

I think I broke the it's like a little, it looked like a paperclip standing up.

Oh, so it doesn't, it's not the cool red button.

It was, no, we, we, like, did this bad.

Like,

we had racing

on a wire.

Yeah, you're like, like, it was like a home alone.

Yeah, very home alone.

You're home alone.

We're racing bandits.

Yeah.

It's fucking Daniel's turn and Joe Pesh.

I'm like bending it from, I was pressing it so much.

And so after the car shut off, I was like, dang, bro.

I told my buddy.

I was like, because it's his car.

I'm like, I'm sorry I like.

Clicked it so much.

And then I clicked it twice again when the car was off.

And then I, when I tried to turn it on again, you just saw like, boom.

Wait, like out of the hood?

Yeah, yeah, I've looked side of the hood.

It wasn't the motor, though.

It was like the piping for the turbo.

It's just like, and then the hood, like, bang.

Was there a chance the whole car could have blown up?

I mean, yeah, I guess.

It would have looked like Godfather when she starts the car.

I think the most dangerous thing that could have happened, we didn't want the motor to blow up.

That was the whole point.

Was like, let's blow this motor up.

Oh, you guys were, you went in.

Yeah.

Oh, I thought you like, from my head, I thought you like did the nas and then you were like, no, you blew it up accidentally.

Nah, we with your friend's car, I would be like, fuck.

We kept adding, there's like these little, I forgot what they're called, they're like these little nipples, and they like, they go to the NOS line.

You got to do math.

It sucks.

Yeah, that's the part that you don't, you're like, what?

Yeah, because you got to, so if you want to add like 50 horsepower worth of NAS,

you know, you put like the 10 and the 40 nipples in there and then tie it up.

Give me a 40 nipple.

Give me a 10 nipple.

Pop that shit in.

That's not the proper word for them, but what are their nipples?

I guarantee people that know

what I'm talking about.

Would go like, oh, yeah, it's a nipple.

We ended up, we started off with like a 25 shot, and we ended up going to like a 100 shot, just trying to blow it up.

Damn.

See, blow up, whenever you say like blow up an engine, I truly think it means like you explode.

There is a chance that like maybe like, you know, some oil or some gas catches on fire and then, you know,

that's what I mean.

I don't want to get you, I don't want to see you get Apollonia when they're like, Ralph, you can't drive the car.

Mind the Tuesday Wednesday.

I'm like, Danny Sauden, come in.

Ralph, get out of the car.

I fucking love that movie.

You don't know how, like, it's on my list, like, my bucket list.

Like, I have to marry a woman in her home country and then her die before I come back to the States.

You have to have a guy, you have to have two Italian guys walking around with shotguns on their fucking shoulders.

Or, like in Mexico, I'll do my version of like

that.

I love that.

You're down in Chihuahua with a lady and then come up here.

It it got blown up.

She blows up.

Yeah.

That would be, I need my first wife to blow up.

I need,

I need my first wife.

In the literal sense, I don't need her to become famous.

I need her to become pieces.

I need, yeah.

That is going to make me a better husband to my second and final wife.

Do you know what's so funny about that?

Is Katie and I joke around where I'm like, if you die, I'm going to drink again.

And she's like, yeah.

But then you'll be the greatest comic of all time.

Where you're like, don't say this because then it's put such an amount of pressure on it.

You know what it's going to happen?

It's going to be like, if she does die, I'm going to have that dream where I'm sleeping under like a highway and it's like her laying across me and she's like, you've got to be in the great motherfucking life.

I was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, you know,

fuck, oh, fuck.

I think you should like have, because I know even like sober, I think you should have one day a year, like a purge where you just like fucking go off, bro.

My brother, that is not how it works.

Turn into the Hulk.

Let me tell you right now, I had this plan when I quit drinking that I was like, when I hit your 10 years sober, and I used to do this a lot, I would pick my like Ocean's 11 team of who I want to drink for a day.

This is when I, when I quit drinking, I was like, if I hit 10 years, I'm going to bring in like, Joe DeRosa, Joe List.

I'm going to get all the guys that I used to drink with and assemble them, right?

I'm telling Nate Bargettsi this, and I'm like, so

this is what I would do.

It'd be like a Saturday in New Orleans, and we would drink.

But then, you know, Friday, I probably have to have a couple beers just to get ready for it.

And Nate stops me and goes, you're already at two days, man.

He's like, you're already back.

And you're like, that's why I can't plan that.

Because I'll just be like, well, then I'll drink the day after because I'll be hung over.

And I can't do it.

Well, you shouldn't.

You shouldn't plan it.

You should give yourself two days.

I think you should give yourself two days.

A weekend.

Two days, a year.

Yeah.

Not even a a weekend, just two days.

Just a Wednesday, Thursday.

Fuck it.

Big problem for the door guys downstairs.

But you shouldn't plan it.

You should, like, it's a thing of circumstance.

Like, when it happens, it happens.

Like, full moon it.

If the things align.

If the planets align.

And then Katie just gets a call from a payphone.

She's like, what is that?

She's like port authority.

And I go, hey, baby, I'm in some real trouble.

I'm in day two right now.

Dude, it has to be like you and Katie have an argument.

by the way that's like 1950s arguments where they go like i can't take it anymore and i slam the door and she goes he was gone three days drinking down by the dock yeah you got to do like that you gotta go to the docks bro yeah he got on a ship left left port you don't gotta yeah well you don't really if you're look i don't want you drunk in front of katie

i'm trying to protect you

i want back to go back to talking about your first wife blowing up because i feel like

i feel like i think i could blow up my first wife no no you can't do it Oh, I'm not going to do it.

I just, I could create the circumstances.

I can create enemies and then just be really careful.

You know what?

That's, that's, uh, I just, like, I'd, I'd get into.

Now you're full court shot in this.

You're confidently full court shot in this.

You'd, because

you would have to know your enemies would target your wife.

Well, no, how many, I mean, no, because I'm, I'm getting them to target me.

Sure.

But I'd just be really like, like, I have, there's got to be a line where it doesn't get too evil, like too fucked up.

But, like, maybe me and my wife are out, and every now and then, every now and then, I just like I bump a guy, yeah, and he's like, What the fuck?

And I'm like, What?

You never have the boss to blow me up, asshole, yeah, and then, like, and then he's like, Fuck that, I'll take out the okay, yeah.

I just feel like if you bring the enemy that would blow up your wife, well, they're gonna think they're gonna blow me up, okay?

My wife will be just or you sell it as like, she's my most important person, I can't live without her, and then they go, you know, it really hurt him.

We blow up that first wife of his, okay, so I'll do that then.

Whenever I bump like a stranger, he's like, what the fuck?

I'm like, first of all, I love the shit out of my wife.

This woman is my reason for being.

Yeah.

So don't just know that.

The only thing I love as much as I love her is my car not being blown up.

And my car, and by the way, I know it's got a very convenient car bomb slot on the bottom that I welded in there.

But just do not.

I'm like, you do not.

Better not put one and one together.

Better not touch my, what is it?

My Buick Le Sabri.

I swear to God.

Right there, that's unlocked.

The white one, license plates, VF.

We're going to go in this restaurant, and we're going to be very consumed in conversation.

I'll be in there at least two hours.

And then you guys come out, and you go, you start it.

You got it.

You got it, baby.

I love the way you look.

Oh,

come on, Ralph.

I stopped the rally.

I'm like, let my wife get it.

No, no, no.

Let her.

She'll run too.

She'll still talk out there.

I know this is like dumb.

I shouldn't say that.

Most of the shit we talk about on here is dumb.

It's a little,

I don't know if it's like sleazy, but I just think it's funny.

Whenever I'm talking to a girl and I'm like flirting, I go way overboard with like romantic shit.

Oh, yeah.

Or it's obviously like ridiculous.

Yeah.

But I'll be like, I want to take you out, but I want to do it like godfather style where I take out your entire family and marry you after the first date.

I'm like, we're going to get married.

I like, you know what that is, though?

You're bringing the fight to them on the flirt.

Yeah, right.

You're going like, oh, you think I, you think I'm scared of commitment?

Yeah, you think I'm like, oh, I want to meet your whole family right now.

You think I I don't love you right now?

Wake them up.

Wake them up.

Wake them up.

Call your family.

Wake them up.

I want to go.

The truth is, the first time he tried to introduce me to somebody, I'm out.

Yeah.

I'm out.

She goes, he changed his number?

Really?

Yeah.

His Hulu specials gone off my Hulu?

Realistically, I need to date a girl for like 10 years before I meet their parents.

Oh, yeah.

The first parental meeting.

It was far.

It was crazy.

It felt like an organized hit.

I met her parents at like a, yeah, it was like at a chain restaurant right outside of Boston.

And I was like, this feels like like how Whitey Bolger killed people.

Like, I was going out there, and they're like,

it was just like

an Applebee's or something.

Oh, man.

I was just ready.

I was ready to get a bag over the head.

Dude, I would have judged her parents after that.

No, it wasn't an Applebee's.

That's why I don't want to say it was like an Applebee's, though.

It's not even Applebee's?

Not even like an Applebee's.

All right, don't do that now.

Maybe they have a fear of tchotchkis on the wall.

Take you to fucking Blood Rookers.

Her dad's like, I don't fucking like sleds that are hanging above me.

Don't fucking put a little league team.

God, I wonder what's going on with Pennsylvania, Maryland.

I like how Katie's parents were like, if this guy's the one for you,

let's just judge him at a Sizzler.

Yeah, let's go get a modest meal.

Okay, let's see what he orders at Sizzler.

He goes, what do you guys?

Oh, a guy who drinks but likes the Jack Daniel sauce.

He's closer than we think.

Do you get along with her parents?

Yeah, her parents are awesome.

Her mom's really funny and her dad's really cool.

How often do you see them?

A couple times a year.

To be honest, do you ever complain to them about her?

I've made jokes about her to them and they laugh.

I think that's about as close as I'll get.

Maybe, I don't know if it's just like Latino.

Why go on?

Is she like fucking combative?

And they're like,

and you go like, right?

They're like, we know.

Yeah.

We know what her issues are.

Her mom will be like, yeah, she can be a little fucking enough sometimes.

And you go, right?

Cammy knows what I'm talking about.

They point at her.

I don't know if it's like a Latino thing, but I feel like I've seen my friends do this and I've done this when they're dating a girl.

Yeah.

And they keep having like like arguments or something.

They complain to the mom, to the girlfriend's mom.

That's, I mean.

And the mom will lecture the girl.

Oh, really?

Just sending the coach to the mound?

Yeah.

They'll have a little meeting at the mound.

Your best backup is your girl's mom.

That is smart.

That is smart because that's like.

You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, then you get the whole system against them.

Yeah.

Where you go, no, no, no.

You made this.

You know how to control it.

You're talking to the programmer.

Have you dated?

You get in there.

You get in there and pull some screws.

Can you run a software update?

Hey, because she's not listening that good anymore.

She's lagging.

Yeah, they're going to fucking lag them on it.

Yeah, that is really funny.

She's the mechanic for your girlfriend.

Yeah, dude.

She's got a rag.

She goes, what's going on?

She still not eating?

I don't know if my mom is trying to give me back.

with one of my ex-girlfriends.

Absolutely.

But they hang out like a lot.

No,

let me tell you right now, that is is 100 that's a setup that's it's weird we broke up like

two three years ago just do you tell

your mom not to do that nah but i do

that i don't i wouldn't want to do that i'm not going to be like hey i forbid you

i don't know dude you're doing well i gotta do it now you can't do it if you're when you're not doing any well here's what's weird about it though is she met my mom

maybe like

they hung out like twice before we broke up.

That's why, yeah, that's absolutely why she hangs out with your mom.

And then afterwards, then they started just hanging out.

That's the way in.

She's got the number.

She can go, like, let me guess, Ralph isn't calling you.

And she's like, Ralph isn't calling you.

I don't know.

You want to go bowl?

You want to go bowling?

I don't have a huge issue with it.

It's just, it's a little weird, but if they're getting along, fine.

My only thing is that my mom will give me shit for being like, you don't, you don't come over enough.

But there's been times where, like, yo, I'm on my way.

and they're just like oh maybe you shouldn't come right but your mom will say that yeah wait so all right that puts a different spin on it so your mom doesn't want you to come over when your ex-girlfriend is there yeah because they're hanging out and she's having a good time yeah that's fucked up i'd be fucked up right that's fucked up i'd be pretty mad about that dude what do you mean i'm coming over to say what's up and she goes We're just in the middle of a game of we golf.

Yeah, they're like, we have plans together.

I'm like, I haven't seen you like in a month.

We're in a book club.

Nah, my mom.

My mom's uneducated.

We're just gossiping.

What do they do?

What do they hang out when they hang out?

What do they do?

They go out to eat to like restaurants.

I've never even been to.

Just to talk about you.

My mom's just out.

No, apparently, I asked her.

I'm like, be honest, have you guys ever talked about me?

Never.

In the past three years.

I don't believe that at all.

In the past three years.

They've been hanging out consistently for three years.

They haven't brought me up since you're the thing that links them.

Since they brought me up like when it first, when we first split up, up they talked about me a couple times after that apparently nothing

do you think your mom talks on you for sure

my mom goes out to you with her and she's just getting like free whatever they go free avocado toast and my mom's like you dodge the bullet trust me that kid has issues i that kid up you want to know what he did with your seven

you want to see something this is his drawing she pulls it out

you tell me this guy this guy's a driver's license.

This is what you cried over.

This guy.

This fucking loser.

And you go, that's a good drawing.

You go

to the Spider-Man.

I traced that.

I do.

I'm cutting off my mom.

Do it now.

You know what I should do?

I should do it.

When you leave the podcast, the kid goes, how'd it go?

I go, well, you were being a secretary all podcast.

She said, can I bring you guys anything to drink?

I'm going to go find one of her ex-boyfriends and hang out with him.

And it'd just be like, don't hang out with him.

He just got over you.

Yeah.

Don't fucking ruin it.

It's crazy.

Yeah, dude, that would be really funny.

That is the best revenge if you find the guy that she dated before you.

Oh, well, why don't you say what about just hanging out with your dad?

Isn't that the same?

I live with him.

Oh, you still live with your dad?

Yeah, I remember back when we worked together and hanging out.

Yeah, I was living out there.

But your dad is like,

I wonder about it.

I mean, my dad's dead, so he never got to see me do well, but I wonder about like dad's being like, yes.

I don't know.

He mad a lot.

Really?

Yeah.

My dad will be like, yo, like, I'm proud of you.

I don't know if that means anything, but I'm proud of you.

And then, like, a week later, he's like, What are you doing out there?

You're fucking up.

We don't care how you look.

Yeah.

Does he criticize your bits?

Uh, not the bits.

He just criticizes like everything I do, like, outside of comedy.

Or, like, he'll criticize shit I say on podcasts.

Or, like, that's funny.

It's always funny to me because my mom listens to the podcast.

What's up, Trish?

Better not hang out with any of my ex-girlfriends.

Are you out of your fucking moment?

I should introduce my mom to your mom.

Dude, a Barbosa, a Mrs.

Barbosa Chavez.

Chavez, a Chavez-Trish collab is in the works, dude.

Yeah, does your mom drink?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

My mom drinks too.

Yeah.

I can get her back in fighting shape in six months.

My mom's 77, but she's still got some gas in the tank.

Oh, no.

My mom fucked up early.

My mom's, she had me young.

She's like 40.

What year are we in?

She's going to be 45 this year.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

My mom fucked up in high school.

No, I mean, no, she didn't.

Cause, I mean, good job.

You know what I mean?

But that just made me feel, that just made me realize, damn, you're that young.

I'm 20.

I'm going to be 29 in October.

Yeah.

I mean, you're 29.

I'm 42.

So I'm like, I was like 15.

You could have banged my mom.

I'm like, dude, I leave Katie for your mom.

And then Katie and your ex, Katie's hanging out with your ex.

I'm like, what are they doing?

Katie's prettier.

Sorry, sorry, mom.

But your mom, so you were, you had a young mom.

Yeah.

Like,

brothers and sisters?

I watched that kid grow up, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, I got, my mom has another daughter who's 13 right now.

My older sister, better.

But when you were little, you were.

I was by myself.

I grew up at my grandparents' house, though.

My mom would live with us sometimes and stuff.

My mom was.

Were you guys close when you were little?

Yeah, I feel like when she was living with us, we were always pretty close.

I mean, but I was like, Because you're also close in age, closer in age.

Like, I had an older mom, so it was just like this lady, you know?

Nah, she'd be, I feel like the older I got, the more of a mom my mom became.

Yeah, she like grew into it.

Yeah, but like at first, my mom was just like a cool uncle who was like, she comes by and she's like, what are my parents being shitty?

Yeah, she's like down on her luck.

So she comes and moves in back with us.

Yeah, and she's like, hey, what's up?

And you're like, hi, mom.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It's like the, you know, the meme of James Franco in the noose, and he looks over and he goes, like, first time, it's like moving back with your parents, or you're like, Oh, fuck, all right.

I had a mom that was, my mom was 35 when she had me, so she was like ready for like had a job and a house and shit.

So, I just grew up being like, Oh, yeah, this is just this lady's always had it figured out, but then you also realize they don't have it figured out, even older parents are like, Oh, fuck, I don't know the fuck I'm doing.

You want to hear some like Latino shit?

Yeah, my grandma became a grandma like at 35.

That's or like 30, 34, something like that.

that that's awesome yeah my uncle a young grandma yeah my mom's older uh brother my uncle charlie he was having kids like he had his first one like at 15 or something fucking nuts dude having a kid at 15 because you're just like you don't even know what the fuck you're doing Nah, he was out there selling dope.

He was making like good money.

Oh, okay.

In that case, fuck, yeah.

He's like, dude, I got all the money.

By the time he was 21, he had like four baby mamas.

Really?

Yeah.

That's so much.

Here's the thing.

Beyond raising the kid and having the finances for the kid,

so much drama.

Oh, yeah, a lot of drama.

I feel like we dealt with more of the drama than my uncle even did.

Really?

He didn't, he's

come around in their fucking damn thing.

He, he, I've rarely seen him lose his temper or argue with any of them.

He's just like, I don't want to deal with it.

And they could be yelling, whatever.

He's just like, all right, I'm just going to walk away.

Which is the most effective way.

Yeah.

He's like, I'll see you in two weeks.

And then they're just like,

but we dealt with it.

I remember one time I was sitting down with my grandpa watching TV and the doorbell just starts ringing

and my grandpa was like man it's gonna it's some kids they're fucking the thing about the doorbell ditching yeah and so i i opened the door and and he's like who is it and i'm telling him like grandpa there's nobody here like nobody i don't see anybody and so i close the door and then it rings again after a couple minutes and i open it and it's one of my uncle's baby mamas and she's just like covered in blood because she beat the shit out of one of my uncle's other baby mamas They just both happened to come check up on my grandma like at the same time.

And

if you would have had the ring doorbell camera footage of that, oh man.

I mean, my God, you could have monetized that clip.

Bro, yeah, that would have been a lot of fun.

Just them coming and being like, what the fuck?

Dude, them just like coming out.

They just both parked at the same time, got out of their cars, and started going at it.

They're parking.

They're like taking their earrings out.

They're like, all right, I'm going to fucking beat this bitch.

One of them didn't even turn the car off.

She just left the hazard lights on.

You better fucking win if you put the hazards on because you get your ass whooped and then you look up in your car and it's just going, I know which one won.

At first, I was like, Are you bleeding?

Because I saw the blood, but it was the other girl's blood.

Damn, yeah, what was the other one just in the lawn?

The one who lost

the drop off, yeah, all right, smart.

Yeah, go home, get cleaned up.

Look the wounds winner gets to hang out with my grandma.

That's so funny.

Your grandma's like, I'm a good hang.

I don't know, they want to hang out.

No, you don't even know, bro.

Like, out of all the,

and you know, now I guess my ex is in the ring too, but like all my uncle's baby mamas, like my grandma would go out to eat with one like a day.

So like on Monday, she might go get like waffle house with one.

Okay.

And then like on Tuesday, she'll get lunch with another one.

And I'm just like, do they know?

Like, are they working together to form a schedule?

Tuesdays, you can't.

I can't do Tuesdays.

You know, that's not your day.

You know, Tuesdays is her day.

You know,

she's had Tuesdays for months.

She's not going to give that up.

I worked out the fucking schedule.

That is funny.

That's crazy.

Also, your grandma putting on glasses and schedule she goes i can do uh nails next thursday has that worked for you

two i don't want to say their names but two of my uncle's baby mamas their names are almost similar and then and then like it's a dangerous situation the way they're spelled out because my spanish isn't perfect and i don't often read in spanish yeah sometimes when i read it too fast i read one of their names as the other name So when my uncle, my uncle was in prison for a little bit,

his Roddy, he had a Rottweiler,

was living with his girlfriend, who was not a baby mama.

Which, what a position that is.

You're a girlfriend with four baby mamas, and you're kind of like,

she went through hell.

Yeah,

and he goes to prison and leaves you with a Rottweiler, which is like a tank of a dog.

Anyway,

he had puppies.

with another dog.

So my uncle's like, hey,

this is back when like Craigslist was coming to an end.

Yeah.

And like Offer Up was kind of popular.

He was like, put an ad on Craigslist for me for the puppies and put,

you know, Blanks.

I'm not going to say her name, Blank's number.

So he's telling me about his girlfriend, but I read it as the baby mama.

So I'm like, oh, that's kind of weird, but whatever, whatever.

Hey, you go, I don't know what arrangement they have worked out.

I'm like, this man was a drug dealer for like 20-something years.

He knows what he's doing.

I don't doubt how the guy does business.

Yeah, he can sell some puppies.

Listen, the guy's got a gold AK-47.

This guy knows what he's fucking doing.

You don't doubt a guy that's got a gun like that.

Man, my uncle sent,

he could, uh, at the prison he was at, they would email.

It was like, wasn't writing letters, it was just emails.

Sure.

Man, sent me this email.

He was like, you fucking retard, like, you fucking dumb, dumbass, like, learn to read.

You idiot.

So you gave, so you gave the baby mama's number?

Yeah, and so apparently his baby mama called them and she was just like, why the fuck are they calling me about the dog that's at that bitch's house?

And like, tell that bitch to sell your dog.

Dude, that's so fucking great.

She's like, why the fuck?

Also, how he gets notified of that.

When you're in prison and you're locked away from everyone,

that's how powerful pussy is.

It can still

see through the walls and get you like,

he's like, I fuck, why are you fucking yelling at me?

He was on the end of like, I don't fucking know.

I got these.

And he was probably like, what dogs?

Why are you calling me?

My uncle, my whole life, my uncle has trusted me with maybe four tasks.

Yeah.

And I have fucked up all of them.

I can tell you.

The dog one is a pretty big blunder.

I can remember three for sure.

There was another one where I was supposed to sneak him contraband.

I was supposed to take a bottle of Siroc.

Okay.

And what flavor?

I don't remember.

Because I feel like

if you're going to smuggle me vodka, I'm going to want a specific flavor.

We're supposed to leave it at like, man, maybe we shouldn't say too much.

We can bleep it out.

Anyway, we're supposed to leave it at the bleep, at the parking lot.

And the way their little thing was set up is somebody would like run into the parking lot when the guards weren't looking because it was like a prison camp.

It was in like a high security.

Yeah.

So you had like some

little wiggle room.

Yeah.

Somebody would run out there, get it, and bring it back.

And then Monk would just like drink vodka with his friends or sell it, you know?

That's got to be, I'll tell you, that first drink.

and you put those ice cubes in and you go, what's going on with Cell Block C?

I heard there's some drama about that.

It's like ting, ting, ting.

And you go, mix it.

Oh, I'll tell you, where they're going to be a real problem in the volleyball tournament.

You're like, those guys can set and spike like sons of bitches.

I felt so like.

So what did you do?

First of all, I felt so cool, like so good that my uncle trusted me with the task.

I'm like, hell yeah.

Like, it's cool.

You know, do this for my uncle.

Yeah.

So my first task was like, how do you like?

Did he call you like Lil homie or something where you were like, this really gets me fucking pumped up.

Give you a name like, you're my ace.

You know, like, my, I am your ace.

My uncle, growing up, would just call us beaners.

So we'd be like, Beaner, I got a job for you.

Yeah, and they're like, okay.

Yeah.

I was like, bro, how am I going to get the vodka?

First of all, like, maybe.

Maybe he was just expecting I'd ask somebody or something.

Maybe he forgot my age.

I don't know.

I was like 18, 17 or something like that.

I was like 17, 18.

I mean, I think think if you

yeah, you are like what I ended up doing.

Why don't you ask him that's 21?

Bro, I just went for it.

I just went into a liquor store and I put the vodka on the counter and they just sold it to me.

And I was just like, all right.

Confidence, man.

Yeah.

Confidence in capitalism will get you a lot of stuff.

I'm like, step one, good to go.

All I had to do now was deliver the vodka to his girlfriend who was going to go and see him.

Did you get the right name?

She had to come pick it up for me, so I didn't have to guess.

All right.

You know, I dropped it off the wrong house.

And then he's like, you got the wrong one drunk, and she actually scaled the wall.

And she's having the fucking problem.

She's like,

this is fucking hammered off like that.

All right.

I had the plastic bag.

They gave me a plastic bag.

And I'm walking out to, because I was like, I'm going to leave.

So I.

I was like, let her know that I'll leave it at the front porch right there.

Sure.

So as I'm walking out, the bottle tears through the thin little bag and it just shatters everywhere.

And she had to leave.

Like she would take off.

Anytime we'd go visit him, we'd take off like at like 3 a.m.

Sure.

To get to where he's at by a certain time, you know?

Yeah.

So I had to find like another bottle of vodka like before she got there.

And I went back to that same liquor store, but they were closed.

So then I just went to another liquor store.

And again, I'm like, all right, here we go.

Like, let me just put the liquor.

See if this works again.

And it worked again.

Yeah.

Dude, that's great.

That is great.

Young children watching this.

You know, you can buy vodka.

You can buy vodka whatever you want.

Confidence, man.

Confident.

That isn't wrong.

Confidence will get you a lot.

I think what did it was that I never changed out of my work clothes.

There you go.

I was just dirty.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, and they go, like, even if they doubt it, they go, this guy's working.

They're like, this kid needs a break.

Come on.

This guy's been on the site all day.

Get this guy his fucking, get him a fucking screwdriver if the guy needs one.

He's earned it.

Yeah, a little OJ?

Let him fucking toss it back, man.

I I think if it had been like beer, they're like, nah, what are you doing?

But

they're like, this guy's drinking for the purpose.

This guy wants to get fucked up.

So they got you.

So you did get this.

So he asked specifically for a Siroq.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can hear my dog licking her asshole.

Myrtle?

Yeah.

I literally can hear it.

Because I play video games in this room, and that's where she goes to do it.

And you see her going like.

Dude, my, I think, I don't know.

I mean, maybe I'm exaggerating, but I think my neighbor tried to keep my dog.

What?

Yeah, we have a dog back home.

He's like a, he's a pit bull.

Outside dog?

He's both.

He's usually inside, but he'll go outside with us and stuff and to use a restroom.

But he left and he didn't come back with it for like, he was gone for like a couple hours.

So now we're just like,

what?

He goes, did you fucking run away?

Yeah, I mean, we're kind of like in a country type area.

So I'm like, all right, he's done this before where he goes a little far, but then he'll come right back.

Or we see him like way at the end of the block.

So jealous of that.

You can just open the door and let your dog run.

Oh, yeah.

But this is where it got scary, though.

It's like he's gone for hours.

So then go look for him.

Do you have wildlife?

Like things that could kill a dog?

Not a whole lot.

Just other dogs.

And then they're like...

Country dogs too.

So they're the same where like there's no fences.

They just wander off their property.

They just go for a little smell tour.

Yeah.

so they've gotten in fights with my dog before.

So that's like what I'm worried about.

But he'd leave and then he came back.

So I'm like, all right.

Then the next night he did it again.

I took him out to use the restroom.

And I was like, nah, he'll stay in the garage with me though.

But then I got distracted and like, he just fucking took off.

So then the third night he did it again, but he didn't come back.

And now we got like worried.

But we had put an air tag on him this time.

And he went to the uh, it showed that he was at the neighbor's house.

And my dad saw the dude coming out of his house.

And He was like, hey, he's telling, it was a Mexican dude.

He's telling him in Spanish, like, I think my dog is here.

It shows that he's here.

And the dude's like, no, there's no dog in there.

Like, I have my dog.

That's it.

Like, we have this dog.

And he shows his dog order.

There's definitely not two dogs in there taking a family portrait.

And you go in, they got the American Gothic thing set up with like their heads over.

The dude was just like, nah, it's no dog.

There's no dogs.

But they were.

Like, my dad went back there like 10 minutes later because it still said he was there.

He's like, man, I'm going to just look around maybe he's like at the next door neighbors or something sure

i can't remember if it was that dude i think i think he's diffsiet he just didn't want to like i think he was hoping he could keep the dog because i don't know if it's that dude's dog or his next door neighbor's dog but my dog was in like between their backyards humping one of their dogs

your dog your dog's like proud of it too he's like dad i was just getting some pussy i was freaking out though i was i i wanted to get a gun Really?

Yeah.

Because you thought that he was just...

I was like, I wouldn't shoot the guy, but I wanted to like...

Threaten him?

Wait, but what do you think do you think he was you seen the dog now yeah

yeah there a dog in that house but i was just i was just spasm

dude i like you going full john wick on him bro i wanted it it's because in my mind like i fucking like overthought it really fast like i jumped ahead too fast and i'm just like he has some relative that was willing to pay money for this dog and my dog is scared in the back of a truck on his way into the city right now with new owners i do that shit all the time where you try to guess where a conflict's going to go and it goes to a place that when it does resolve, you go, oh, it didn't even go near how bad I thought it was.

It wasn't, though.

My dog was just...

Your dog's just like, oh, fuck.

Finally relieving some steam.

And your mind is their big, big eyed out of a window.

Also,

the minute I pull that gun out, that guy probably would just beat my ass.

Taking your gun.

In my mind, I'm not going to put it in his mouth.

You're coming back holding your face.

Yeah.

I lost the gun.

He's got the gun now, too.

I've had a,

we got some guns at home, and and I've gone through three of them where I fuck them up, and I don't know how to fix them.

I don't know.

Do they like break the guns?

I think because on one of them, when you cock it, you're supposed to do it, like, faster than I did.

Yeah.

Like, did it too slow, and I was like, jammed up.

So if someone breaks in your house, you go, damn, shit.

Like, what are you holding?

Bro, it's because the bullet is like stuck in there.

And, like, I'm afraid to, like.

I don't know anything about guns.

I wish I could help you.

I don't know either.

Yeah,

that is the hardest part of having a gun is you have to learn how to clean it, how it works.

Yeah.

You should know how a gun works.

I'll probably, I'm pretty sure I can figure out if I like YouTube this shit.

Well, yeah, you're also, well, you are, you're, you're good with cars, which makes me think you're good with guns.

I wouldn't have a shot in hell.

No, I'm still.

I'd be like seeing it, and I'd be like,

I lost a spring.

I think the spring was important.

No, I could see the bullet like stuck in there, and I kept like trying to

make it like fall out, but it wouldn't.

So now I'm like, what if this thing just like boom?

So I just left it in one of the cars that I don't drive anymore.

That's crazy.

That is crazy irresponsible.

That is reckless on a level that I've never seen where you go, yeah, I don't know, I got a gun that might go off at any moment.

This car that I'm never in.

Because you're going to forget and you're going to get like, what's this car?

And then you're like, here's what's going to happen.

Two years from now, I'm going to work on that car and finally get it running.

And then I'm going to be driving just happy as hell and hit a speed bump.

And my first wife is going to be like,

and then it's like,

her head's on like the fucking, like a South Park disc.

She's like driving and she's like, Ralph, I don't think I've ever been happier.

I put it, I have a 96 Impala, so I just remember like, I love this American Impala.

I love Impala.

It drives like a deer.

This is fucking just grape jelly all going down the side of the driver's side window.

But I should, no, I should fix it.

Do you know that if your first wife gets blown up, I will have to delete this podcast and then I'm going to call you and go like, oh, I feel like we talked it into existence, dude.

I'm drinking again.

I go, Ralph, I'm fucking drinking it.

Katie's watching it.

I'm fucking doing it right in front of her.

Wouldn't it be like,

I mean, it's not going to be funny enough to go to jail over it, but wouldn't it just be funny to be in a courtroom and then they just keep playing parts of this podcast?

Me sitting here and then going, Now, do you hear the dog licking its own asshole?

Right around this part.

Now, watch.

Dan slams the cage angry, clearly telling Ralph that he intends on them both killing his first wife.

I go, wait,

you're implementing me?

Katie turns on him.

She stayed with us.

She goes, I was out there planning the whole thing.

I don't know what she has Boston accent.

It's funnier to give her a Boston accent.

I fucking knew the whole time.

We fucking set them up.

I love the accent.

Does she have one?

No, she doesn't.

Her family does.

Her family does?

Are they like micro processes?

Micro processes.

I'm going to make him say that at Thanksgiving.

i'm gonna make each of them say it

gotta get one i'm really thankful for all of you could you all please say micro processes my first time performing in boston i said that just thinking everybody would get it and they're just like what yeah they don't get it they don't yeah it's like when you go to ireland and you go like tap in the morning and they go Why are you doing that?

So it's like when you go to Boston, you go, micro processes.

I was on stage, like, I was like,

which one else did I do?

The fucking The Town?

Yeah.

I knew your daddy.

Yeah, yeah.

There was like one guy, like, hey, hey, that's just a sound.

By the way,

I was just in Portland, Maine.

You ever watch Pet Cemetery?

That's the Stephen King one, right?

Yeah.

Man, like a movie.

That's movie where they bury people.

They bury them.

They come back.

And they come back.

Little boy comes back.

Yeah.

So the neighbor, the guy that's like, wow, stuffy pot in the ground, comes back, saw.

Sometimes that is better.

Yeah, sometimes that is better.

That's a Maine accent.

And so when I was up in Portland doing the Empire Comedy Club, I was going, oh, you're a sandwich.

Well, it's better.

That's poop.

And they were like, they weren't, they were like.

You weren't feeling it?

No, like the Boston thing.

They go, we don't think it's weird.

You ever watch that movie, Gangs of New York?

Yeah, hell yeah.

Where is that?

Like, I guess that's like a New York accent?

You can go to where, like, you can, when you're here, like, you can Google it, but five points, the five points, you can look.

Yeah, it's like Mulberry Street.

You can go.

And they have, like, I think they have like a little plaque there, but that's what.

Like, I'll have a fight there.

Dude, I fucking I'll go I'll go watch.

He's like,

I can't do that.

You're gonna do Bill the Butcher?

I'm gonna try it.

I killed the last.

That was good.

That wasn't bad, dude.

You were starting off good.

I killed the last honorable man 15 years ago or something like that.

Dude, you're you fucking.

You're hyping me up.

Stop it.

I'm telling you.

Stop it.

I'm a voice guy, dude.

You can get a Bill the Butcher.

You can get to one.

I think I could do the other one he did.

There Will Be Blood?

Yeah.

I've abandoned my boy.

I've abandoned my boy.

Yeah, that's it.

At the end, when he says, I've abandoned my child.

Now, this is your milkshake.

We've been calling my buddy Abraham.

He's the youngest one of us.

We've been calling him HW.

That's great.

HW.

This is my wonderful son, HW.

I love that.

I am a comedy man.

This is my son, H.W.

It's a family business.

It's a family business.

Now, you understand.

I take an idea.

And I write a punchline that goes all the way to the end.

I steal your joke.

I steal your joke.

That was what Carlos Mencia was doing.

And I drink it up.

It's my joke now.

So now I do it around the country, and they know it's my joke.

Do you think that you could, are you like famous enough you could set up a meeting with Daniel Day-Lewis?

No way.

That guy's like so famous, he like retires from acting and Hollywood begs him back.

What?

He has like a bunch of Oscars, right?

I would argue he's like one of the greatest actors of all time.

For sure.

For sure.

He's like unbelievable.

He like lives the role.

He's like that guy.

He like lived his Lincoln.

He like retires after each.

He did, I think he retired after his last movie.

Which movie was that?

The thread?

Or something like that?

It was something.

I mean, that's what I mean.

He does like these, like, he like lives the role, and then he's like, I can't do this anymore.

It's fucking up his mental health.

Yeah, he's like, I'm too much.

Where's he from?

What kind of, what's his real voice sound like?

I don't know.

You ever watch an interview with him?

You ever watch Last of the Mohicans?

Nah, I refuse to watch other Daniels

movies because I don't want to I want to hear those two accents only.

No, no, no.

Watch him in Last of the Mohicans.

All right, Last of the Mohicans.

That movie

fucking rules.

What are Mohicans?

A tribe.

It's basically about the West and the American Army coming west and dealing with the Mohicans.

It's fucking...

Like a Native American?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That'd be hilarious.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Londoners, they're British dudes and shit.

Their acting is on a different level.

It's why our comedy is better than them.

It was created here.

Stand-up was created in the United States.

They're better at like artsy fights.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Acting, they mop the floor with it.

Well, we know how to time a fart, you know?

Yeah, we know how to go like, we know how to go like,

hello, my baby.

And that's when they go, ew, disgusting.

I like an old man chasing women through hallways.

When you watch Benny Hill, and it's like,

Benny Hill is pretty hilarious.

Well, dude, it was just like an old British dude being like, oh, no, giant titties.

Put them on his head, and he's like,

I like the music makes everything funny.

It does make it makes everything funny.

Without the music, Benny Hill looks very

predatory

if you pull that fucking music.

Put that music over.

There's a video that I used to just watch when I'd be like feeling down.

I would just go to YouTube and look up up Benny Hill chickens running.

That's just funny because you know the Benny Hill music.

Yeah, and so it's like it's a short video and it's just like on replay.

And yeah, bro, it'll liven up your day.

You ever feel like you're on the brink, like I might just fucking drink again?

Just watch that video and see what's going on.

We're going to edit that in right here.

So that video is going to hit.

Did you find it?

I can find it real quick.

I have it saved on my

YouTube playlist.

It's on a default.

It's like one of those YouTube clips where you see there's only like 613 views, and you're like, damn, I think this is all you.

Do you remember on like John Wigg on the first one?

It opens up with like, he's all fucking half dead.

Yeah.

And he pulls up his iPhone and he watches a video of his wife, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

When I'm like that, I'm just going to be watching this video.

This is your second video?

I want to see this.

Oh, yeah.

Text me that video.

Text me that video.

I won't even, you know, get some reaction in there.

Dude, they're all running out.

There's like a multiple, a multitude of chickens.

What's plural for chicken?

Is this video?

That video has 9.8,000 views, 9,800.

We can get that to 20,000.

I'm like a good 7,000 of those views.

They're doing the analytics and they find out, they go, it's coming from one phone, and it seems to be at a certain time of night.

I think this guy's depressed.

It's like this fucking guy is just watching chicken videos.

But I get it, dude.

I absolutely get it.

There's videos that I have saved on my phone that I watch that just crack me up.

There's like crazy TikToks and shit that I'll save to my phone and watch.

Oh, man.

I can't.

There's a lady that I have that goes, like,

she's like a white lady with a shaved head.

And she goes, well, turns out you can't chug, chug, chug one cucumber Gatorade.

Do I play it?

I got that shit.

I got that shit.

And there's another one.

She goes, well, it turns out my boyfriend was actually a sexual predator.

What the fuck?

This lady rules.

I don't know who she is on,

Hey guys, just threw up like a motherfucker.

Apparently, you can't gulp, gulp, gulp, lime cucumber Gatorade.

But who knew?

Cheese Louise.

She's Louise.

I'm sending these both of you.

Send me that.

I'm sending that in the group chat with my family.

My dad loves that lime cucumber Gatorade.

Oh, really?

I'm going to send that to you right now.

Hey, everybody, just threw up like a motherfucker.

That one makes me laugh.

I'll show you one more.

I can't say this one, but it's funny.

You gotta share it.

You gotta share it.

I've been watching this one since I was like 15 or 16.

It was on Vine.

Yeah, Vine had.

I mean,

go to Vine YouTube compilations.

I'll send you this video so if you want to insert it, it's just funny.

You remember that

was that movie 7?

What's in the box?

Oh, what's in the fucking box?

Frosted Flakes.

One of my all-timers.

That was one of my favorite all-times.

Frosted flakes.

Damn.

That's so funny.

He's eating it.

What's in the box?

That dude was a one-hit wonder, maybe.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Vine had a lot of one-hit wonders.

But Vine Compilations on YouTube, that's what Shane put me on when we were on the road together.

He's like, dude, you got to watch Vine Compilations on YouTube.

Vine compilations?

And there's.

I never thought of that.

They're great.

They have them all lined up.

Because the guy that I don't know if you've ever seen the kid where he goes, that's sickness.

Have you ever seen that?

The kid lands the trick and he looks up and he goes, That's the sadness.

That's fucking great.

I just imagine this dude's like, if I was him, I would fucking ride that wave.

You'd be like, oh, you're pass it's over.

You want me to see if we can sell it to Grammar City?

I'll eat some Frosted Flakes, watch seven.

No one wants to watch you do that.

There you are.

I think I think I would.

I'm like, Vine, what'd you say, Vine?

Yeah.

Oh, Vine.

Oh, grape off the vine?

Yeah, it was my old stomp of grounds.

What happened recently?

Elon Musk was like, oh, I got all the Vine videos or something like that, right?

Elon's bringing back Vine?

We'll see about that.

Elon, I feel like, I don't know, like, cool, whatever.

Yeah.

And maybe this is me just being like a total dipshit.

But every time

really smart people make like some sort of progress on something like that, I'm like.

Somebody cure cancer.

I don't need you here.

I need you other stuff.

Like, I know it's not your field.

Babies shouldn't get get cancer.

Yeah.

How about we cause that?

We fix that before violence.

I know it's not, like, Elon's field.

He's not a fucking doctor, but, like, go help the fucking.

Also, maybe not even Elon.

Whoever's close to Elon, just shift him to, like,

about baby cancer.

All the fucking smart people, the smartest, just like 15.

It doesn't have to be a shitload.

15 of like the world's smartest people in engineering, in science, in biology, right?

Yeah.

Fucking sentence them.

Mandatory.

Like a draft.

You You guys have to fix shit.

It's a fucking science draft.

Yeah, dude.

I would love that, dude.

Just at a laboratory or someone comes by and they go, with the third pick in the draft, I've been selected.

I got to cure cancer.

Oh, you're thinking sports draft.

I'm thinking like military style draft.

Your country fucking needs you.

Dude, I'm definitely down with that.

Start drafting the smart people.

Start, yeah.

Like for the next.

Yo, get the fuck out of tech.

What are you doing?

We don't need AI.

Yeah.

You're driving everyone crazy.

For five years.

I don't care if it's not your field.

You have to help them.

If you're smart enough, you can send people to fucking Mars.

You can do some type of damage with cancer but if they get drafted and they do the five years

college loans wipe clean yeah or no taxes no taxes the whole five years you don't have to pay taxes and you're on salary come on come on who's saying no to no tax come on nerds do it nerds do it for us nerds

we'll shove you in a locker well we won't but we know people that will yeah they'll kill you what you should do is watch Ralph's special Planet Bosa

on Hulu go watch him follow him on social media.

He's one of the best working comics right now.

He's fucking hilarious, and he's the man.

Just coming by, dude.

Watch me while I got a job, man.

Dude,

thanks for having me.

You're the fucking best.

You're the man, soldier.

And let's stop our moms from hanging out with our exes.

Yeah.