94: Windowless Room Boyz with Stavros Halkias | Soder Podcast | EP 92

Dead Crow Comedy Club, Wilmington, North Carolina, August 14th through the 16th, doing five shows.

Long Island, New York.

It's been a minute, and I'm excited to come back.

Brokerage Comedy Club.

It's tiny.

It's tight.

It's a good, good room.

I really like it.

I will be there August 23rd.

Los Angeles, California, September 25th.

I am going to be at the United Theater.

That's downtown.

I know you don't want to go downtown, but come and see a great great show.

And then, speaking of hot, Phoenix, Arizona, I am going to be at Stand Up Live for four shows.

I'm going to be there September 5th and 6th at Stand Up Live in Phoenix.

It's a huge room.

Come on out.

I haven't been to Phoenix in a while.

Dansoter.com for all dates, including the Golden Retriever of Comedy.

That's the theater tour that kicks off in late September in Los Angeles.

We got all the dates listed, and all the dates are up on my website for sale.

Dansoter.com.

there was there's like a book about guns n'roses that i have up here called i want to watch you bleed and they talk about when they made

when they did the album appetite for destruction they lived in a storage unit yeah dude which is like incredible doesn't that i love that album too yeah but living in a storage unit and doing heroin and then rocking out yeah and awesome that's of course that album's awesome of course yeah like yeah duh It's the big problem with comedy, dude.

It's like, you can't,

you can't, like,

I'm rushing to get a good special before I'm too rich to be able to understand anyone.

Dude.

Like, I have to, like, this is my problem.

We're absolutely recording.

This is something where...

It's the problem.

People don't realize that I'm very bad at business, but part of it...

is on purpose.

Yeah.

Because I'm trying to keep the part of me alive that is like a shitty employee so I can make good stand-up.

I get it.

I mean, there's also other, I mean, there's obviously been examples of like great,

like people dealing with,

like, I think prior, was it Sunset Strip, whichever one?

Sunset Strip

was after he was burned up.

Yes, that's an incredible one because I think about it, you know, honestly or whatever.

She read the book.

It didn't go well.

He bombed the first one, did he?

Yeah, well, he had to come back, and then a lot of that special is done not in front of an audience.

Whoa.

Daddy, like, do reshoots because he was so fucked up

and like he was kind of like i knew that he had fucked up the first one and he came back the second night which i thought was cool yeah but i didn't realize they had to do reshoots that's fascinating yeah i because i've in the book he just goes like and then i went back the second night and everything was good but then someone that like directed it it was in an article and they were like no we had to like

Really piece it together interesting because his first special Richard Pryor live in concert Which is what you're saying before the money before he was like well he said he had like he had like five albums too.

Yeah, like it's kind of fascinating because none of of the titles we can say.

It's all like that N-word is crazy.

Super N-word.

I mean, imagine being a white dude in the 70s and going like, I'm going to go get this album.

Yeah.

Super.

Whoa.

Oh, they didn't have a problem.

They didn't get that fun.

I think it was taught in schools.

I think proper N-word pronunciation was in schools where they're like, you need to stick the R.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Prior's live in concert 1978 or 1979, live in concert, is like, that's the best.

And that's just just him doing an hour yeah but yeah but i mean he's not rich yeah but i think that's what i love about the all those albums that it was like it wasn't as precious in a weird way it's come back around where

now i think the people that are doing the i think the the clear secret now is just put shit out yeah even if it's not perfect yeah and that's kind of what those prior albums were like well

what's crazy about it is some of them are recorded really bad i listened to a bunch of them recently yeah i wanted to get into yeah because i wanted to get into like the 70s mind.

Like, I don't know.

I was just like, I was just curious, like, what, what were people really like?

It was all brand new.

Yeah.

Stand-up was brand new.

And also, a lot of albums, people don't realize this, especially our generation, they would do albums, and then they would take the hits, and that would be the special.

That's why it was called a special.

It was sort of like a mixtape.

Yeah, they're like, it's the greatest hits.

Like, oh, here's all my greatest hits.

And I filmed it.

And then they would have like bands open for them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a real thing.

They'd put it in movie.

Like Eddie Murphy put raw like movie theater.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it was special, it was a special because only like five people could do it.

It was special.

If you got green lit, people were like, fuck, you're filming it.

You're going to film this.

It was like a big.

Yeah.

Do you remember?

I mean, you were probably, because you're younger than I am.

Martin Lawrence put out a, that was the last concert like movie.

Kings of Comedy.

Yeah, was in theaters.

That's the one that felt, that I remember that was like a big deal.

They were doing press for it.

You went to go see it in theaters.

It was awesome.

Yeah.

And then you realized that Bernie, like, like,

they made Bernie close out all the shows and he was like, all right, we'll redo my contract.

Those stories are awesome.

Yeah.

When Bernie was like, I'm the motherfucking man.

And he, I mean, I just, I actually just re-watched his part.

Just, I'll throw that on somebody.

Milk and cookies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He does.

Well, not, okay, that part's awesome, right?

I mean, that's the most quotable part.

That's a beautiful part because it's like, I watched it.

I watched it and it was like, I watched it with somebody who was like, didn't know anything about it, really.

Oh, Bernie Mac for the first time.

She's loving it.

And then he drops, he calls his nephews.

Oh, yeah.

He drops a couple F's on him.

Hard T's.

But it's hard.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was weird after that.

That was when black culture was real DL about the gay shit.

But they were not cool with you.

Here's the thing, though.

That bit, yes, the word is fucked up, whatever.

It's a bit about he took them into his home.

Yeah.

He raised them as his own home.

There's nothing funnier than that.

There's like such a humanity and kindness to it.

And it's, yes, he's saying bad words, whatever, but it's like, what actually matters, he raised this fucking

saved this kid.

And it's like, obviously, whatever.

That's fucked up.

He shouldn't have said that, whatever.

But he clearly had love for him.

And then even in that, he has, like, all of his is like, there's so much macho stuff in there, and there's kind of like misogyny, whatever, whatever, fine.

Some good stuff.

But he all, there's just, in the middle of it, there's a bit about how he busts fast.

Dude, how he's just like...

I gotta rewatch this.

It's incredible.

Like, he's just got a whole thing about kind of being sexually inadequate and then being like, he even says, like, you know, if your girl threatens to like fuck some other guy, be like, go fuck some other guy.

He's like, I'll watch.

He has like a cuck punchline in it where he's like, I'll watch.

It's a fascinating, like, just a guy who's so open and honest and a good and still a good person.

It's just, it's so good.

Also, it's funny that he talks about inadequacies because his death jam set, the most infamous deaf jam set is he'll he'll pull his dick out and make this whole place black.

Exactly.

Like, I'll fuck a woman.

He's like, I do.

It's sort of like the evolution.

Yeah, where he goes, you know what?

Back there, I didn't mean all that stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember when I had my face on my jeans?

Yeah.

I was talking out of pocket.

But also, he's a testament to like

the utmost.

If you just turn swagger to like and performance and command of a room, because like, look, some of those jokes, you read the transcript, it's nonsensical.

There's no punchline.

There's nothing.

I ain't afraid of you, motherfuckers.

But he's so in control.

And both those sets are like fascinating because he's just, I mean, Def Gems, obviously, it's a smaller room, but it was so

it was like combative.

And then the Kings, I mean, they shot that in the Charlotte, the Charlotte Arena Arena.

Straight up arena.

It's crazy.

Now, you know,

we have friends that work arenas like their clubs.

Yeah.

You know, we know people that work arenas like clubs, but like that was huge.

The fact that they were doing an arena in Charlotte, because before that,

the only thing people talked about was that Dice sold out the garden, which was like the pinnacle.

There would be like somebody every like 10 years.

Steve Martin, Dane Cook, Dice Clay, whatever.

Yeah, once every, you're right.

Once every decade, you get it.

But this was like, we're filming it.

Spike Lee is directing it.

There's no other shot.

You're not going to sell out an arena twice.

It's like this set is what fucking matters.

So that is another element to that that's really cool it's like just the pressure and you know all of it and you know but to do have your stand-up be seen before

youtube or any of this

to get your stand-up seen it took like a process yeah you had to like someone had to watch your set at a club or you'd send them a tape and then they'd be like maybe and then there was like another audition and they're like we're we're thinking about doing some specials and it was like i remember getting the comedy central presents presents which a whole generation doesn't even understand I know how that was like the thing that saved my life I I was gonna get that and then COVID happened and I've never been happy the only silver lining of COVID because that half hour went on to become live at the lodge room yeah and the difference in my career it's crazy

I'll tell you right now what would have happened comedy central would have aired it once

and then they'd go uh we'll buy something from you maybe

that's all they did I was like dude what's so funny about it is I know how to suck that that bat off.

Whoever ate that bat from the Wuhan wet market, dude,

saved my life.

Star Ross, don't do comedy central.

Before he was really plugged into like he's in Come Town?

The small level comedians.

I've got that coming up.

I'm a come town.

Don't do it.

I'm in Wuhan.

Wuhan.

Wuhan loves Come Town.

And they go, what did you do?

And he goes, I'll tell you what I did.

It was necessary.

I saved Starby Baby.

I saved our

santa.

There is

like

people are mad.

Like, I understand both sides of people being like mad the industry's gone because it really did keep out a lot of bullshit.

Sure.

But also, the industry didn't know what the fuck they were doing.

The whole point of the industry were like people that got communication degrees from ASP.

Did it keep out bullshit?

Yeah.

There's a lot of people with 6 million Instagram followers that are selling out theaters that are doing dog shit stand-up.

Wouldn't they have done something else, those people?

Do you know what I mean?

Here's the thing.

In an era, if the industry, if there was a way to be that popular when the industry existed, they would have sucked those people off.

The industry was just trying to generate those people.

The point I was making is exactly this, they just didn't have a clue what they're doing.

You're absolutely right.

I've guessed wrong on who those influencers would have been.

And I don't,

I don't...

Fault them entirely because I've had jobs where I just want it to go easy and I want to do well.

Oh, yeah.

And so they would have gone, well, this guy's got six million.

Yeah.

That's all Netflix is doing right now is they're going like, do you have 15 million followers?

Here's an hour special.

We love it.

Yeah.

And then we'll have, we'll bring out this old celebrity that's doing a movie for $500 million to yeah, I mean, it's the classic the way all of society has gone where it's like at the very top, every, you get way more than any human being needs, right?

Yeah, Ford knows what to do with it.

Right.

And at the, and then it's like the bulk of it is like they put out 52 specials whatever a year or and a lot of people putting out special but it's like a lot of it is just things you can make cheap yeah right it's a lot of throwing shit at the wall it's walmart yeah and it's all walmart and it's high and low right so but the high

because it's a it's a business it's not art it's not the best they don't have like a panel of who's the best right there's no like

that doesn't exist there's no like you know michelin there's no secret i would love comedy critics oh that would be awesome

they come in and they see like seven shows on a tour and they do an aggregate score.

That would be fascinating, right?

I would.

Some of you motherfuckers would be real worried

because I'd be coming to eat your fucking score up.

Yeah, I'd love to be hitting 400 on these motherfuckers.

Well, see, I feel though, I feel also, because like, look, I, I, I want that so bad then.

It would be awesome.

I want that smoke so bad.

It would be awesome.

Uh, because I do think there's something to comedy where it's like, uh, and ideally, I don't think a special is what stand-up is.

I think stand-up is the random show.

It's your aggregate.

But then again, you could say that I'm coping and I'm a regular season player.

I'm James Harden.

You're Peyton Manning.

Yeah,

I'm Lamar.

I'm Lamara.

I'm dazzling.

One regular season, there might be a moment at a show mine.

You're like, how did that happen?

This is the most incredible moment.

And then

they do that moment where they go, I'm seeing art.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do think I've had some spontaneous moments that are like, that's really interesting because there are people that we both know that I would say when they do specials, it doesn't come out well.

Sure.

Like I see their great comics.

I see their shows right now, by the way.

It's phenomenal.

By the way, the opposite.

There are people who I think are just shrewder about...

how things are actually perceived, who are not day-to-day are fine, but know to bring it and know to plan and might even get people to punch their shit up and might do reshoots like you're saying with about prior.

Something that to me sounds insane.

Insane.

To me, it's all got to be.

It's the show.

Do the show.

Ideally, there's no editing.

Yeah.

To me, the platonic ideal of a stand-up special is you do not, the only edits are camera angles, but you don't cut anything out.

Now, that's not how things work.

That's not production.

You'd have to be.

This is the first time I'm finding out this isn't how things work.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that how stupid an idyllic I am?

I'm like, yeah, fuck.

Maybe I shouldn't have tried.

I tried real fucking hard.

But it is.

I remember the first time I found out

it was,

I think it was like Amy Schumer's special.

Norman was telling me that they would like stop and she'd be like, I didn't get that joke right.

Right.

I'm going to do it again.

And they would do it and you're like, that's crazy.

It seems insane to me.

Every time I filmed a special, you filmed two shows and I go, well, I did the show.

And then I did the second show.

And the second show was great.

Or the first show.

Yeah, use 80% of the second show.

Yeah.

Put a couple moments from the first one.

Cut it.

That cut a couple pauses maybe.

Maybe if I flubbed a line.

I remember the HBO special.

I flubbed a line, and the guy, the editor, was like, oh, let's take it from the second show.

And he like fucking superimposed it.

You're like, perfect.

But that's why you have two shows.

But you're right.

There are people who are.

Here's my thing is, I think my insecurity is I'm not savvy.

So I get insecure about people that are savvy.

Where I'm like, where I do the thing where you go, like, you got to play the game the right way.

And they go, there are no rules of this game.

Yeah.

So you're making up your own rules.

No, I actually do agree.

Unfortunately, because I have the same thing where I like, like, I do wish that it was about art and it was a maritime art.

But you wish government was about representation of the people.

Right, absolutely.

Nothing is what it is.

Absolutely, absolutely.

You wish like ESPN covered sports.

Yeah, right.

Like, they didn't throw fucking slop down our throats.

Yes, yes.

Absolutely.

It would be fucking, I want all that shit to happen, but then you're like, no, that's not how it is.

Also, it's like, This is entertainment.

It's bullshit.

No one deserves anything.

Oh, you're the best artist.

Who gives a fuck?

Go be a teacher.

Yeah.

Go be a fucking social worker.

Like, that's, that is kind of the level I hit where I was like, I don't deserve this life.

Dude, I don't, I didn't deserve when I wasn't successful.

Like, that's a, I just got the fuck, like, my 20s were like fucking around with my friends.

You know what I mean?

Going to shows.

I wasn't building a life.

I wasn't, that was awesome.

Yeah.

I didn't deserve that.

So then what I'm going to complain because either some rich kid whose dad is a fucking executive at fucking Paramount or like, or some like hot girl who just, you know is good at fucking internet marketing or just like you know am i going to complain that they're ahead no life this shit isn't life isn't fair this shit there's no rules in entertainment no it doesn't matter there shouldn't be fairness either why there should be fairness in everything else yeah this is all bullshit entertainment is it's it's make-believe yeah it's playtime yeah you're right there shouldn't and i think that's let's get people fucking health and let's get people health care

but that that's where we need a baseline of fairness not in this bullshit you can have like hardcore opinions in entertainment and be like i don't think they should fucking have it this should fucking and people will be like

both sides will be like yeah yes and you go everyone should have health care and they'll go you fucking lived hard and you go how are you mad about getting health care well i'm a i'm an entertainment i'm a show business republican

i'm an entertainment i'm a show business republican i'm a show business like pull yourself up by your bootstraps yeah no one's here to help you and I'm a real life, you know leftist, whatever.

You know what I mean?

Where it's like like, yeah, no one fucking cares.

Yeah.

Oh, you, you're, you know, you have connections.

Great.

Use them.

I don't give a fuck.

Yeah, I like it.

You know what I mean?

Like,

one of my biggest faults was that I was

ignorantly an idealist in stand-up.

And I was going like, it's a meritocracy.

You got to fucking if you're good, you'll get to the top.

And which does happen.

Sometimes it doesn't.

Here's the thing.

It doesn't hurt to be great.

Yeah, for real.

But like, I would say two two people that we both, Nate and Shane, were both so good, they didn't have to really play the game.

They just went and were great and got over.

Well, I mean, I think they were both really, but still they were very shrewd.

I mean, like, Nate knew what the fuck he was doing.

He didn't stick around here.

He knew he...

He was in tennis.

He's like, Middle America is where I'm in.

Middle America, I'm going to build my...

He was an old-fashioned kind of like, let's build it up through my, I'm going to be so good,

my theaters are going to become thousand theaters to 3,000 to 6,000 to little arenas.

And I'm going to build this shit like an old-fashioned business and Shane was really shrewd because he knew he had a lot of eyeballs on him nobody knew what the who he really was after the SNL things yeah for real and what did he do he fucking put out Gillian Keeves he put out a great special he harnessed those eyeballs and he just catapulted himself and he's been doing great tires his you know more you know something

on the road like they were both very smart still and something that I saw but and you know this is kind of on topic of what we're talking about with like being shrewd and stuff I was really impressed when Shane got fired from SNL from for not leaning in

to the people that wanted him to lean into it.

You know, you know, being outwardly racist was like the green goblin mask, yeah, where it's like, do it, say it, do it, say it, do it.

You can have all the power.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's on the roof with a Bud Light going, stop being gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, do it.

I live here.

You call Dylan Mulvaney a slur.

Oh, you call Dylan Mulvaney a slur.

Watch her.

Watch abandoned butt lights.

Watch World Star videos and say what you really think.

And he goes, I can't.

But I mean, that kind of like, you know, you can, sometimes in entertainment, you can see things where you go, I could go down that road.

Yeah.

And that's why it's crazy when you watch people do that and go, I'll go down that road.

You almost go, you can understand it.

But then you go, that was an easy.

You can't.

I don't understand.

I mean, you understand.

You know what I'm saying?

I understand because you see the, you'll like see an avenue open up.

Like, when I was doing billions, they were like,

there came that moment where the people that represent me and stuff were like, you ready to be an actor?

And you're like, I don't want to be an actor.

And they're like, no, you can still do stand-up, but like, we're really going to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're like,

I don't want to do it.

Yeah.

And, but I just, I'm saying, I saw that avenue.

Totally.

Where if I wanted to be like, can I be on NCIS New Orleans?

And then you catch me going, oh, I look like this man where I got

ripped up by a fucking man.

That would be great, by the way.

As a mongoloid

in the trenches.

They go, well, it's just Swamp Man.

Shaw Gay Gaunt and the Gator.

Oh, Gator Hoss.

My pet Gator.

Yeah, you found a butt plug.

Your Gator shits out a butt plug.

You're like, I think they threw the gay guy in here.

Mr.

Detective Man.

And they go, oh, our star witness.

Do you see Soder's the star witness in NCIS New Orleans?

He does a cross-eye the whole time, like Sandler's friend.

They're going to spin you off with Wilder Valderama.

You you guys got your own show he goes Nathan buddy

goes through this swamp man

Spaniard in the swamp man

I got a thousand dollars cash money do you remember yo mama I do remember Yo Mama also can we

put Wilder Vilderama on the Mount Rushmore of hit lists Derek Jeter Pete Davidson, Wilder Vilderama.

The problem with him is I don't think we want to be digging a little too deep

into the ages of some of that.

Oh,

boy.

By the way, boys from the 90s, those expiration dates are hitting.

Yeah.

Milk's going bad for a whole generation of boys.

It's going real bad.

Could you imagine you're like in the 90s?

Nothing's better than 17-year-old pussy.

And then in 2025, everyone's going, What?

Dude, yeah, it's fucking insane.

Did you see that Anthony Anderson interview with Lindsay Lohan when she's like 17?

I feel really, I mean, she's a person that got complete, like her, Britney Spears, is like, why do you think these people go insane?

Because society fucking completely sexualized them from the time they're like

10 years old.

Lindsay Lohan, though, first off, phenomenal facelift.

She went to the guy that's fixing everybody.

Yes,

some guys on a generational run run.

I mean, he is just going to be aware of that.

There is a fucking surgeon where it's like, oh, my God.

I feel like I'm watching

second season Heat LeBron.

He's just doing that.

His nurse.

60% from the field.

His nurse throws it up while he's doing it.

He's also, I mean, it really is like Q the 80s music where he's like, I think you're going to like your face.

Yeah, yeah.

Holidayo!

Dude, Chris Jenner.

Lindsay Lohan.

Chris Jenner, it's, I mean, she's an

old woman.

She did the same guy that Lindsay Lohan.

Still, that's...

Lindsay Lohan is like, all right, I get it.

She's a young person, relatively speaking.

Chris Jenner is an old woman.

He fixed

Donatella Versace.

Oh, my God.

She doesn't look normal, but she looks.

But she was looking.

Yeah, she looked like fucking Ron Perlman in Beauty and the Beast.

She was a fucking real Muppet.

It was fucking crazy.

Donatella.

What was the Henson?

Yeah.

That's what she looks like now.

Oh, yeah.

See what I mean?

She kind of fucking.

Dark Crystal.

Yes.

The Jim Henson.

The Jim Henson, like.

Spooky.

She's a spooky muppet.

Which is a good movie, by the way.

Dark Crystal Children.

But Lindsay Lohan, I would say Lindsay Lohan is...

She's like entertainment's Rambo.

I love her.

I mean, dude.

They gave up on her.

She came back.

She came back.

And she's like, they're all gone.

They're all fucking dead.

Raven Simone.

They're all fucked.

But she went through hell.

Both parents sucked.

Yep.

Threw her to the wolves.

She got famous.

Remember when she tried to kidnap that kid in

Abu Dhabi?

No, I don't remember that, but I saw it.

Oh, my God,

she's like, you straight up kidnap a child?

Just come with me.

You eat food with me?

Oh, no.

Come with me in the kids.

He's like a brown kid.

Yeah, he's like, what?

Who's this freckled-ass lady?

She lives in like Abu Dhabi now.

Doesn't she live in like Qatar?

That's no good.

Well, that's like the funding.

That money.

Oh, dude, that's scary stuff.

By the way, don't think that if you think for a second comedy is not right behind that.

If you think we're not going to be seeing that.

Right now, there's a fucking like Saudi Arabian fucking festival, dude.

Really?

Yeah, it sucks.

Oh, my God, dude.

Seeing me,

watching me sell out, they're like, Riyadh.

I was talking to Stefan.

I think he is literally doing it.

DeStefano is?

I believe so.

Come on, Chrissy.

I think so.

Come on, Chrissy.

I think some names we're not going to like are doing it.

What I think is so funny is...

I mean, but then again, I do it, even though it is whatever.

I mean, they literally, Saudi Arabia did 9-11.

We're just going to kind of let that one slide, I guess.

Completely funded it.

Completely funded whatever.

Completely funded 9-11 by the way paid for the airplane classes in Tucson where I was living

where

I think I'm not true but I think you can look up the guys this might be one of those things where real life is funnier than anything to think of yeah I truly think they only took classes on how to take off of course that's a classic like where you're like I don't know at this point if that's hype if that's a joke because I remember hearing that from like in like 2002 yeah where was fun little like

silver lining pretty hilarious you want to know the popsicle stick joke of this they never learned how to land.

And you go, what the fuck?

How are you the flight instructor?

And you're not like, you know.

Hey, fellas, y'all want to maybe land?

He goes, dude, I probably had a beer with him at Golden Nugget Tucson.

He goes, I'm a flat instructor.

And these Saudis, man.

A lot of them is real.

If this is real, so they said.

For example, Masauri, who was arrested prior to the 9-11 tax and later charged as a co-conspirator, enrolled in a flight training school in Minnesota.

They also did it at Tucson, though.

I know that for a fact.

Florida, too.

According to the flight school, only expressed interest in learning takeoffs.

Oh, and landings.

Oh, interesting.

Claiming it was for ego boosting.

Okay, so there was landings.

I thought they were just like, just takeoffs.

We're good.

Yeah.

And they go, why?

They go, I don't know.

Yeah, that's what I thought, too.

Oh, look at her bow, dude.

Is she still with him?

No.

I don't think so.

Multi-millionaire husband.

Oh, good for him.

She looks great.

Looks great.

Listen,

Mean Girls, Legendary Comics.

Right.

Unbelievable.

I mean, Parent Trap when she was a little girl.

She did the reboot of Parent Trap Unbelievable.

Herbie, the love bug.

We're the same age.

A lot of those, a lot of the people that were sexualizing her on magazine covers, as a 16-year-old boy at the time, I was eating very good off of those things.

Her tips were all about.

I was jacking off to, I was jacking off to periodicals.

I had like my friend, like my friend,

she would have like Cosmo or whatever, and I just would straight up be like, Can I see that?

Oh, 16 tips to drive him wild.

I should probably read this.

He was turning off the hurt in a sundress.

You go, I need five ways to communicate with my man.

There's one particular Cosmo one with, I think there's a purple background.

Oh, we'll find it.

I can see it in my mind's eye right now.

Talking about what you slang nut to?

Oh, yeah.

Because my brother.

My brother in Christ.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have to understand.

Britney Spears Rolling Stone wearing the American shirt cover.

Not the one where she's laying on the bed.

That one was to Lolita

to Lolita there's one where she's wearing like red leather pants jerking off to periodicals it's awesome stuff man because I can I'll tell you right now I'll dial up that Britney Spears in two seconds that I think I know that one because Britney Spears had an era where she was really like her abs were pretty shredded oh my god I was jacking off to that quite a bit There's a couple music.

Oh, not periodicals, music videos.

Oh, music videos.

I did a lot of beating off to music videos.

Okay.

Thank you because we had Giannis on here.

There it is.

This was the one where I was Britney Wants.

Oh, interesting.

Interesting.

But there's pictures in there that

was just the cover, but her face, she's so cute.

Oh, my God.

And by the way,

this is the best part about being 16 when society sexualizes 16-year-olds.

There is a small silver lining.

It's okay for me to want to fuck these girls.

I am their age.

Jan Wenner, this is very inappropriate you're doing this, Britney Spears, but thank you.

Yeah.

Junior in high school, Dan Soder is just tugging.

Yeah, absolutely.

I don't like that there's like an Israeli producer telling them to lose layers.

Yeah.

I don't like that.

Because come on, you're a bunch stop.

That's so good.

You're a pun stop.

Yeah, but

me, I'm not that guy.

But then 16-year-old

me.

In his bedroom looking at it, and then Trish knocking and going, finally, Neil Owen!

I'm reading.

I'm reading.

You always tell me I should read.

But Lindsay, remember Lindsay Lohan where she did SNL and they did Harry Potter?

Yes.

And she was Hermione?

And they're like, yes, I do, Dan.

Those big kitties.

And you're like, they were bobbling.

And you were like, Jesus.

How old was she at that?

Look up when she hosted SNL because that might have been.

Because that was too much where I was like, oh.

I was still, I don't know if I beat off to that, but I definitely, it definitely excited me.

I remember the one that I never understood was Mary Kate and Ashley Olson.

And people would like,

like, I was in college, and people were counting down to when they were.

That was really fucking fun.

And you're like, I don't even know what that is.

Yeah, it's, it's, it was bizarre.

It was like, yeah, the countdown clocks.

There's like websites.

It's like, if you have a countdown clock, if you wait till the moment someone turns 18, you would beat off to them when they were 16.

Dude, Louie has Louis has a bit right now that is like old school Louie

heater of a bit about barely legal.

And it's touching on what we're talking about, but he does it in such a Louie way.

Sarah's got that bit too.

I think she does, Sarah Tolmash has a bit where it's like, if you like barely legal, you'd probably like not legal.

It's also weird because as you get older like you're in your 30s i'm in my 40s and now it's like i couldn't even imagine i mean i can imagine but i like would i don't think i would want to

someone that's under 25 yeah i just wouldn't be able to talk to you didn't that happen with what's that girl bad baby oh yeah bad baby she made like 80 million dollars or something crazy she makes more money than any she got kicked off dr phil she she spent a couple years being a real fucking problem and popping up on world star i think her life's bad again i think she has like cancer and like an abusive husband.

She has an abusive husband.

Yeah, I mean that's no good.

But it's which is also parvo for the course for like a like white trash Italian girl who pretends to be black and was a sex worker.

It's like, yeah, she's gonna have an abusive husband.

That's like the most Florida

thing I've ever heard in my life.

You think she gets turned on by being respected?

Oh, this guy listens to me.

And that's not good for the record.

For the record, I'm not saying that's good we're laughing about but it is the most right down the middle thing i mean she just happens to be the most famous one but how i mean how many like white trash girls pretending to be black that were like either strippers or like whatever did they did they a lot that's like a tough that's a tough retirement to come out on top yeah it's at it's more it's like a running back coming with no cte yeah you know what i mean i didn't take any hits and you go you were a north south guy yeah it wasn't even like you were east-west you were lower shoulder There's not a lot of Derrick Henry's out there.

Yeah.

There's not a lot of them.

Like all thoughts, like how do you get headaches?

Yeah.

And you're like, really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think there's always this hope that we have for people like her the same way we have hope for drug dealers in movies that they're just going to walk away with the money.

Where you go, you got the money.

Just go be quiet.

Yeah.

But now celebrities aren't even doing that.

That's why like Happy Gilmore 2 is such a bummer.

Because you're like, Adam, you're rich.

We didn't really need to do this.

I would have liked it to just focus more on him and shooter.

Yes.

You know what I mean?

Like I would have liked it to be like a him and shooter team up to defeat live golf.

Yes.

That would have been fun.

Also, that was my whole point with Happy Gilmore 2.

Why make it about miniature putt-putt that that's going to ruin golf?

Yo, there's Saudi money in golf.

Do that.

Yeah.

Go, oh, you don't have to make it Saudi Arabia, but you could go like, oh, there's these.

evil make them tech guys i mean they sort of did i mean benny safety's character is a tech guy but it just wasn't I did enjoy.

I liked when it was...

I actually really liked before it got

super cameo heavy.

I really liked the...

The whole thing was so...

The beginning was pretty fun where it's like he's fucking drunk and he's like...

But they didn't make it dark enough.

Here's the thing.

I liked that they killed his wife and that he's too fucking drunk.

But they could have made it like...

How she died sucked.

That got me.

They killed her.

Hit her in the fucking head with a drive.

I mean, it was like...

Maybe on a re-watching.

What did you want her to be fucking Deathwish?

You wanted her to get fucking held at gunpoint.

And then Happy Gilmore becomes a vigilante who fucking kills criminals with fucking drives.

Oh,

and then you find out that he's Casey Jones.

And it bridges into a fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle war.

Yes, 100%.

Yeah.

You should have came to me.

I would have to have a camera.

In the intervening years, he just becomes Casey Jones and becomes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle friend.

And then the turtles come back and they're like, good to see you, old friend.

He's clearly got history with them that we missed completely.

I'm a bad dick.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

It felt like they did it fast.

It felt like Happy Gilmore 2 was done fast and just like, oh, they'll love cameos.

Marcelo and Bad Bunny made me laugh the hardest thing.

Dude, Bad Bunny could act.

is incredibly funny.

Like

when they introduce, you know, when they, when they like, when you hear the casting and you're, I love, i mean there's not a movie that was more important to me than billy madison and happy gilmore was right up there so like early sandler is my comedy like one of my like early foundational comedy heroes molded most of us dude you you listen to the to like all his albums and it's all these like silly songs like that's half of come town i would tell you what the worst version of what he was doing what the hell happened to me that specifically

laugh at you well that was the first album what the hell happened to me specifically seventh grade eighth grade molded me comedically with SNL, with the jerky boys, of course, with like other stand-up.

Stand-up was always on TV.

Comedy Central used to actually play stand-up all the time.

So, those are all the things, but I would tell you what the hell happened specifically.

The Cock and Balls sketch.

I mean, obviously, the GOAT is the goat of sketches.

Goat's great.

Of album sketches.

I mean, at a medium pace, I don't think I ever laughed harder in my life.

Take that

shampoo bottle and stick it up your ass.

But

that's what uh talk about your ex-boyfriend's dick and how big it was

i mean that's uh they're all gonna laugh at you yeah and how to beat up a spanish teacher yeah yeah yeah toll booth willey was on the first one's incredible

um but what the hell happened all those sketches stick in my mind because i liked They're all gonna laugh at you, but like what the hell happened to you is a thing like I would wake up and put it on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he'd be like, why don't you play with your cocky balls?

Or he's like, oh, that smells like a skunk.

And he's like, you know what it smells to me?

Like this old guy's asshole when I had sex with him.

You know when they all go to like, oh, we went to this water park, this old man's balls flopped out.

Oh, they were so gross.

Holy geez, I wanted to lick them.

That line lives in my head.

Holy geez, I wanted to lick them.

And so it is like, it's, you know what it reminds me of?

Happy Gilmore 2 is like watching Mike Tyson fight Jake Paul.

Ooh, I think it's a little better than that.

It was not a little better than that.

With the spectacles.

Mike Desmond didn't even have a single good moment.

To me, Happy Gilmore wasn't a couple good moments.

Happy wasn't funny in Happy Gilmore.

That's a valid Christian.

He was silly.

I think

he was only funny in the very beginning.

But I don't even think that, like, I hated the part where he went out golfing with the young people.

It was like sloppy and also...

Didn't love that.

It wasn't.

It wasn't like...

Didn't feel real.

In the narrative, too, like, those were completely unnecessary characters.

I mean, I guess it was cool to get Margaret Qualy in there.

And Eric Andre.

You know, I love Eric, but me too.

But his movie, I see, here's the thing about it: he does Bad Trip.

So funny.

And it's one of the funniest movies in the last decade.

There is no one.

His genre, the fact that he was able to figure out how to take sort of what makes the Eric Andre show special and make a movie that sort of half blends.

I mean, I guess it's in the tradition of like Borat, if you're going to say that, where it's like half and half.

Yeah.

It was Borat and Jackass mixed with Eric Andre.

Yes.

And that movie is so, so fucking funny.

I mean, dude, Tiffany Haddish Haddish coming out of the bus while the dude is cleaning up and he goes I ain't see nothing and the guy comes back is just one of the best scenes.

I mean chasing around the mall there's just stuff that you're like I mean the dream sequence the wedding is it's that's another moment that I love it little Rel is perfect in it yeah it's like the nervous friend that doesn't want him to use his car it's just yeah that's actually when people talk about recent comedies that should really get that might be one of the best recent I mean that might be the best making me laugh yeah bad trip made me laugh harder than anything I can remember in the last 10 years.

Like, I had like felt like

Naked Gun.

It was really good.

That's what he said.

I heard Naked Gun was really good.

It was good.

Yeah, I want to see it.

You should see it.

It's just like, you know, it's funny.

It's like, it's like a pacing.

If they can get like the joke and then like

a joke plays off a joke and then

no, no, it's, it's that.

It's joke a minute.

Yeah.

And there's a couple.

And, you know, when you do joke a minute, some are fucking bangers.

Some are just like keeping the ball moving.

But there are like,

there are a couple set pieces in that that made me laugh so fucking hard.

Good.

And I love this Cam Anderson's banging.

She's good.

She's banging Liam Neeson now.

I thought she, yeah, she is, which is awesome.

I thought she was better.

I mean, Neeson was good.

It was smart to kind of take someone who's already in that genre and kind of like, because they kind of molded it to his genre of old guy action movies, which was smart.

Really, really smart.

I mean, I think, I mean, it was directed by Akeeba from the Lonely Island and Magruber, pop star.

That's another bad trip in Magruber.

Magruber.

Or the last 10 years, I think.

Magruber's not 10 years, dude.

Really?

I hate to break it to you, right?

I think it's close.

Oh, fuck.

I think it's really close.

You know what?

It's not because I moved here 10 years ago.

Maggruber was already out.

Yeah.

Sorry, man.

God damn it, dude.

You're old as hell.

Fuck, it's 15 years old.

You're old, motherfucker.

We're both dying.

We got to make our money and go away.

Yeah.

No, that's my plan for sure.

Me too.

That's my plan for sure.

What's your where do you want to retire?

I really love being in New York.

Like, I've recently got, like, I'm subletting a place in Manhattan.

Are you staying there yet?

I am.

Yeah, yeah.

You slept there?

Slept there.

Wait.

Like, this week.

Okay.

I love it, though.

Because I did your podcast last week, and I don't know if you had slept there yet.

I didn't.

I think I slept there the first.

That was the first night.

It was not haunted.

It's cool.

Doesn't feel haunted.

Doesn't feel haunted at all.

It's an old building.

It's a big place, too.

So

I had moments where I was like, I was like, you know, when you just like, you don't want it to be haunted, but you're like,

someone there?

I'm going to just check and see if there's ghosts.

Yeah.

And there were no, my ghost radar is not on at all, dude.

And I get scared.

The reason this apartment is so comfortable to me because I know it's new enough that it's no ghosts.

Oh, there's going to be really soon.

There's going to be like tech guys who have jumped off this.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, bro, just change my channel.

Why does he keep putting on Pat McAfee?

Trying to rock something.

It's like, bro, this guy's savage.

That's the haunting.

This guy's so savage, bro.

The way he says stuff.

Yeah, I love, I mean, I think one thing I've learned is that, I don't know, sometimes it's okay for certain things to just be,

you don't have a choice in them, right?

I love, like, I've, Baltimore, I'll never fully get away from it.

I don't want to.

I love it.

I want to, I want that to be.

And New York, I just like,

I don't, I just love being here, dude.

And I think I want to stay here no matter what and like go to Greece I like trap travel when I don't have to work is awesome

so I like traveling so I think it's just the kind of thing where you know

every year of my life I've gotten a little better like recent since like I've gotten successful I've like let my career dictate things a little less I focused on my health a little more great I'm still not exactly where I want to be this year ended up being much busier than I thought it was going to be but it's for cool stuff right

and then so I'm the plan is to do a special

kind of early next year, early-ish next year, maybe like early spring next year, late, maybe like late February, early year, maybe somewhere between late February to late March, somewhere in that window.

Uh, and then I'm gonna, then I want to fucking kind of chill, get a cool place in New York.

I really, even from being in Manhattan for a week, I'm like, it's awesome.

Shit jams.

So sick.

It fucking rules.

It was like a thing where we did it.

And like the second we did.

It was funny about it is we moved in this apartment the week i left the bonfire oh wow and i live that's probably psychologically very good well i know you mean you're you're close to where it was just like i live two blocks away from the train that drops you off in the building of the bonfire my my commute to work would have been 10 to 15 minutes sure and instead i was coming from queens yeah for six that's a tough commute for the six years i was going which wasn't that bad but then jersey when i was living with katie and it was Every day I was like, I got to go through this tunnel or take the bus over.

And I was like, this fucking sucks.

And then I moved in.

But when you moved into New York, it's New York's taken a lot.

Listen, it's New York.

So it's never great.

But I like that.

But it's never

as bad as Fox News says it is.

Oh, yeah.

And by the way, it's kind of back to the beginning of this conversation where it's like, what I love about New York is that like, you can be the literal richest guy in the world and your life's not that comfortable.

You're still a fuck, you're still like,

you still kind of are just a per, like you still have to go on the train.

You still walk places.

You have to go to, if you want a coffee, you're going to have to go in the Dunkin' Donuts that everyone else goes in.

Yeah, you're not.

You're not a gated community.

You're not away from everything.

You're a huge, you're just like, and even like the places you get aren't, they can, you know, if what you want is complete luxury, if what you want is to be left alone, if that's the kind of person you are, not the city for you.

But like, I grew up in Baltimore.

I like living somewhere.

This is the best shitty place.

Yeah.

It's like the best.

It's the best shitty place.

It's the absolute best.

It's like the best shitty place you'll ever go to in your life.

It's a millionaire shitty place.

You know what I mean?

And it's like,

what I think is interesting about it is it is so shitty.

Doug Stanhope, if you want to watch, I think it's the special no refunds that he did at Gotham, where he tapes it in New York.

The opening monologue he gives, he's smoking a cigarette and he's walking down the street and he talks about why comedy works in New York City because he describes how shitty New York City is.

And he goes, because even, and basically the points you were making, he goes, even if you have it good, you still have it bad.

It still sucks.

And he goes, and that's why comedy works here because people need to laugh when they're all stacked on top of each other and everyone's smushed into this.

And there's just a ton of people.

And the good things about it, everyone gets to enjoy.

Right?

Like, there's places like Florida.

So many people with fucking, so many like.

ultra billionaires live there, right?

Sure.

They have private fucking beaches.

They have fucking private jets.

They have their own like social clubs, whatever.

And look, look i'm sure there's like obviously at there's so many rich people here that there is like an elite well they give you got you have jeffrey epstein's townhouse for example we're not what that's still going on there's some kind of crazy ring even still going on here but look museums uh the cultural stuff the restaurants like everyone gets to enjoy that shit you can be poor and enjoy 90 of what new york has to offer you won't be gated out and you can't do that anywhere else like what's good about other places that's like that rich people live is just you don't get like I loved that when I first moved here and I had no money I lived in a fucking box with no window you want to talk about living in a storage unit I essentially did me too you know like yeah we both talked about that yeah yeah yeah we both did we both lived in the storage windowless rooms in Astoria the first few years we were here yeah if you would have walked in it I would have looked like bane in that fucking prison with my backpack on there and I'd be like well I'm so I'm successful that I can have a window yeah but it is uh and you can just fucking walk around and you're just saying about about Epstein about how

who do do you think the first pal was after epstein got caught that was like you guys want to get the group back together yeah yeah yeah dude chill chill chill out we're in trouble he goes i know

we'll fuck 20 year olds for a little bit

we'll fuck malnourished 20 year olds for a while it'll it won't be the same when epstein got caught we did this bid on the bonfire about epstein's friend who is realizing he's a pile while being on the island where he goes yeah why do you have a whole fridge of capri sons

stuff like that he goes you have a room upstairs that is just filled with teddy bears.

It's fucking crazy.

Oh, dude, I took a wrong turn and ended up in a ball pit.

But it was like also sexual.

There's like sex swings in there.

So it's just a different vibe.

It's so funny because it is like the ultimate, he was like the ultimate guy to get you canceled.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess not.

But I mean, president.

Yeah, but we're going to be able to get it.

I mean, not to be, not to get, I hate that, I hate to go to lib out this hard.

But it's like the citizens of pedestal.

this isn't it's you're talking about decency I know I know we're not even talking like the thing that is making me laugh about this Epstein thing is like people who are first off fuck all politicians I know you're liberal I am from the school of I don't even consider myself a liberal I consider myself to the left you're you're a compassionate left progressive yeah

I would say leftist progressive because liberals in America have become Republicans who want to get you fired for saying slurs yeah that's all they are now the mainstream Democratic Party but go ahead keep going I've been I know you have have very South Park politics.

I have very

South Park has molded your life in many ways.

100%.

100% South Park.

Where I just think they're all phony fucks, and I think they're all manipulating people in order to make their own money.

But a lot of them are f ⁇ ing out slurs.

There's so many of them.

When they were like, oh, what if they get Clinton?

You're like, fuck him.

I don't care.

Fuck you.

Every child should be fucking going to jail or executed.

I would prefer them to be publicly executed.

If you want to know where I'm at, I say we let a couple of the parents behead some of these sons of bitches.

Absolutely.

We go full Saudis.

If the Saudis are going to take over our sports and our entertainment, can we at least have their forms of punishment?

That's true.

Can we start fucking cutting hands off thieves and shit?

Alibaba in the 70s.

Like, let's fucking start chopping off hands.

I think thieves can go to jail.

I think

we can chop their dicks off.

Yeah.

I'm a four.

How about this?

Chop their dicks off, okay?

The worst offenders get executed.

Yes.

we chop some of their dicks off, uh, and they have to, like, still, they stay in jail, dickless, in a horrible life sentence.

Yes, that would be good.

And I also believe that members of Congress and Senate should be on the same health care that their poorest constituents are on.

I love that.

I think their poorest constituents

in your county, whatever you're representing in government, that's your medical insurance.

Absolutely.

You don't get to get fucking dental because you're in D.C.

100%.

Fuck that.

You're in fucking, you know, bum fuck Mississippi and you're like, oh, I'm a prabraha.

Guess what, fucko?

You get their dental and their health care and their vision.

Yeah.

Fucking fix it.

And you have to wear overalls shirtless too.

And you get that every time you're fucking in there.

That's got to be sucked.

That's got to suck to be like smart and be from Mississippi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I had a, I had like a, in high school, I had like an organic chemistry.

He was like, they brought him in special to teach like the smartest kids.

Yeah.

And he was just, he had the thickest southern accent.

and then you go i don't believe any of this and he was so like we're not dumb you know he was like we are not dumb and he was just so smart hey guys a plasma convey and you go this is all what is this swamp science did they put me in that class i don't know how because i cheated a lot and i would get into like shout out in math and science i would cheat so sometimes if i cheated too good i would be put into like classes i was not no one ever tells you that don't children children that are watching this we're trying to save you from files bro we're trying to teach you how to cheat better cheat yeah Don't cheat too good.

Cheat too.

You know what?

That happened to me in history, and then I just ended up being good at history.

Well, history is.

That's how I got into AP history.

I cheated in the regular one, and then I was like, I'm fucked.

Then I was like, hey, I like this.

It really is.

Dude, that's so funny.

I got into the, in middle school, I was a horrible student.

Like, I was going to fail eighth grade or whatever.

Like, I was getting all F's.

And it was the War of 1812.

I got like super into it.

And I started memorizing it.

And then I was like, yo, this shit kind of rocks.

And then I was into it and I was like, oh, this fucking, and then I got a good grade.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, this is.

It feels awesome.

Yeah.

But that didn't happen to me in organic chemistry.

I failed so fucking hard.

But cheating is when you cheat too good and they think you're smart.

When I was in college, I had to, to get my degree, I had to pass a foreign language thing.

This might get me in trouble.

So we might have to end up with a lot of people.

I think you're fine.

You thought McGruber happened three years ago.

Yeah.

It was a long time since you were in college.

I graduated college.

I hope the dean doesn't take my degree away.

Oh, no.

20 years later, they go, we didn't even know he went to school here.

But I had to take a French class.

Like to get a journalism degree, you had to have like a certain amount of foreign language.

I didn't know any foreign language.

I didn't take foreign language.

I took it in high school.

Did I remember it?

Dude, I got through a year and then it got difficult and I started to have to cheat.

And you're supposed to do

two full years.

I did a year and a semester and then I found out this is when I started doing stand-up, my senior year.

And they were like, can you prove you make money traveling?

And I could do correspondence classes.

Wow, and so I was like, Yeah, I brought in like three pay stubs from like different comedy clubs, and I was like, Yeah, I could go on the road.

I want, I was going on the road like once every three months, of course, but they were like, Oh, total.

And I brought my work stub in from the radio station.

I go, I work full-time at the radio station.

I do stand-up, and they were like, Yeah, you can do correspondence.

Well, then I like read, this is getting so you had to talk to them in French.

This is being too good at cheating.

Okay, so I looked at the rules, and the rules were assignments were two-thirds of the grade, right?

And then the other third was the midterm and the final.

I was taking a lot of poly-sci, I had a poly-sci minor, so I was taking a political science class.

And this girl that was in my group project lived in France.

She was like, oh, I lived in France for the last three years.

And I was like, oh, so you're fluent.

She was like, yeah.

And I brought my workbook and I was like, how hard is this assignment?

And she goes, this is like basic English for you.

And I was like, if I gave you $500,

could you just do this workbook?

And she went.

That was awesome.

Yeah.

And so she did the workbook.

By the way, it took her a week.

Yeah.

Like she came in and

I did not have $500.

So I was like giving my paychecks.

I was like signing over my paychecks to her being like, I think that

probably went high too.

I bet you would have done it for less.

I bet you would have done it for $100.

Yeah.

It was so easy.

I didn't realize how easy it was for her.

But she does the whole workbook, right?

And then I take it home and I copy it in my handwriting.

And I'm getting like 10 out of 10 on assignments.

Like, ball.

Like, dude, like, like, tre ball.

Oh, very good.

I'm doing well.

I know what that means.

Yeah.

And then, dude, I went in and took the midterm and got like a 15%.

Love that.

And the French teacher was like, what happened?

And I was like, I have anxiety.

Yeah.

I'm not.

That's literally what I said.

I'm not a test taker or whatever.

Then I turned in the rest of the assignments.

Oh, all ball.

Yeah.

all good and then i took the final and got like a 25 and she was like i'm failing you and then i had to go in and go the rules are

two-thirds yeah and she went that's a d and i went d's get degrees and she was this woman was like that was the only time i felt like a criminal of course where she was like i know you and i was like i did game the system yeah yeah yeah there's nothing you can do yeah yeah yeah yeah i did the same thing in in a physics there was uh you remember the tid three calculator yeah of course I did.

So you played Tetris on that shit all fucking day.

So you could or snake.

You could program on them.

So that means they had like text.

So I typed.

You could full-on text.

I mean, there were like $100 calculators.

They were like $200 back in the day.

They were expensive.

In my high school, you would borrow it.

They would like release it out to you and there'd be like, that's smart, though, because you can't cheat with it.

Because I type, I had a physics.

test and there was half of it was like

written and half it was math problems and i just wrote the study guide in the DID3.

I wrote the entire study guide.

Brilliant.

I got a hundred on the fucking on the like ask us questions thing.

And I got like truly maybe three right of the other half.

I still failed.

It was like, but you got no.

And they go like, oh, wow, that written part.

You're really good at the written part.

You go, math's just not my strong suit.

Dude, the thing I used to do that

was taught to me by an older student that, like,

so my

high school, I i went to high school from nine from 97 to 2001 computers were not you would type up papers but you wouldn't use computers for yeah regularly especially not in school there was like a computer lab computer lab of course i remember the computer lab so this older guy when i was in high school i had this class like this guy that was just like a fuck up and he was like oh if you want to cheat just go type up stuff change the font to four

print it out and then we had soda machines because i had like a giant public high school and so you just go get a coca-cola you would

open the coke take a couple sips pinch it put the cap on and then slide it under the label beautiful and then you would drink the coke where it would so it would if you walked in it would just look like a full coke but as you're taking the test if you would like pound coke it would go down and the answers would be there

dude it was i'm telling you right now yeah i used that over 10 times on tests i had i'd just slide it in and be like and people would be like you were out smoking weed till like two in the morning last night.

And you're like, I'm not genius, dude.

I don't know.

I would get friends from the earlier.

I had a whole system where I would get like someone to

take two sheets of paper,

write their answers really hard.

Oh, and then you would do the.

And then we would just hand it off,

hand it off, like, because it was like B, it was just like multiple choice, whatever.

And then we would just hand it off in the bathroom.

And then I just had the indentation of all the right answers.

Yeah.

That was awesome.

Did you ever have a friend that was that was too crazy and was like, I'll just walk in and steal the test?

No, I actually, I had a lot of the opposite because I went to like a magnet school and it was those kids scared.

Yeah.

I was the bad influence.

Like,

I was the one who was like, I was like, I'd have like, dude, these kids that I would convince to cheat, you know, we're still friends to this day, but they have like, they're like, you know, they work for like,

they're either in like higher ed or they're like, you know,

go to like one of those like

those accounting firms like Deloitte and shit like that.

Those are their dark days where they're like, Stop Ross got me to cheat and I've never I think I think, yeah, they were like the smart kid, and they were.

And it's like half of the kids are like every family's hope because all of us are like poor kids.

That's what magnet schools are.

So it was like, so half of them were just like, if I get caught, I'm, you know, there's brothers in jail.

It's like, they need, they need this shit.

And I'm like, come on, man.

It's like a country that you don't even know.

It's like Uzbekistan, and you go, I didn't even know it was a country.

I'm it, dude.

I'm the one hope.

I get it.

Just fucking cheat.

I have.

We never got caught, thank God.

One time, the calculus teacher, I think, he was old as fuck, and the kid next to me

just happened to be out that day, and I think he knew I was up to something.

And the teacher just sat in that kid's desk.

And my whole plan was cheating off of those around me.

And I had one kid who just wasn't good at cheating.

There's actually a kid who our J, I've told a story before, our JV soccer coach gave him pornography.

Not even in a like pedophile way and like a dude, we're boys way.

Like he was so pathetic.

He wanted to bond with a child by giving him porn.

Oh, my.

How does that go through your head as a good idea?

This guy was a very funny guy.

He also, like, was a thief.

I knew that he had robbed.

Some like I, he, we grew up together.

We, not together, but he grew up in my neighborhood, and I knew that he was a criminal.

He was lying about his background.

So, so I had him, I used, I, I, I blackmailed him to start.

I was like, I'm the fucking, I'm getting playing time or else we're gonna have fucking problems.

I'm not here to stand on the side, or you're going to fucking jail.

That is so great.

I think I'm going to sub in.

He goes, no, you're not.

You go, I'm subbing in.

I think I am.

Oh, I think I am.

And this kid just fucking put, he was so unsmooth that he finished his test and he just like put his head down.

Like, he was like, I can't, he was like, he, like, felt bad about cheating.

So he, like, put his head down, pretend to take a nap, but like left his test fully exposed.

And I was like,

shut it up.

Just fucking

fucking

pull it for everybody.

You're fucking Wango.

You're going to get us all caught, dude.

Dude, there was guys.

Wayne Grove.

Wayne Grove.

I went to high school in the suburbs where people are bored.

So they want to do bad shit because they're bored.

And then you would find a live wire and he'll be like, dude, I'll just straight up fucking go in there the period before I take the test.

And you're like, what?

And then they'd come out in activities hall and he'd be like,

you're like, you're out of your fucking mind.

And then you're like, give me that.

And then they had to like change it up.

Dude, there was a guy that was infamous at my high school he was a junior when i was a freshman he was so good at cheating that the teachers knew he was cheating and one time a teacher sat in class and watched him right

and then he left they took a test and he left and the teacher went back to his thing he's going through and the kid wrote you'll never catch me on one of it and the guy was like

I don't even know if he cheated that time, but that teacher told me the story and he was like, this motherfucker just lived in my head, run free the rest of the semester.

Yeah, dude, he was like, you'll never catch catch me.

Yeah, he just put it down and he was like and I bet that kid didn't cheat that one time.

Sure.

But it worked.

It fucked that teacher's head up.

It's awesome to be playing those kinds of, I marvel at kids that are playing mind games with adults.

Well they grow up to hunt people.

Yeah, yeah.

It's just like that guy grew up to like, I'm sure he fucking murdered.

It turns out that's James Harris from the Aurora shooting.

You go, god damn it.

No, he was from San Diego.

Okay.

Look into that.

He wasn't from Aurora.

Okay, okay.

He was also schizophrenic and off his medication.

I forgot.

A lot of Colorado shooting you can blame on the the altitude and the people there.

That one.

That one.

Not homegrown.

No.

Yeah.

That was not a homegrown.

Columbine was.

Columbine's was.

Who else?

Weren't they trying to bomb it and they couldn't figure it out?

Yeah, yeah.

Read that Dave Collum book.

I think I have it.

I think they borrow it.

Columbine by Dave Collum is fucking nuts.

Their original plan was to, the library was above the cafeteria.

Their plan was to blow out the support beams of the cafeteria to bring the library down on everyone in the cafeteria and then have a cross pattern out in the parking lot where anyone that fled, they would just shoot as they came out.

But then the bombs didn't go off and Eric Harris, who was the psychopath and Klebold was the follower, he just went in there and just started fucking shooting people.

Started in the cafeteria, went up to the library and then worked his way.

And it was like, if you're in Colorado, especially if you're

like an older millennial, you remember every moment of that because you're just like, holy shit.

But that book is amazing because the guy that talks about it's like his daughter went to columbine and he was like one of the head behavioral guys at the fbi he negotiated with david koresh oh wow at um in waco like dude this guy he was the one that kind of tipped his hand that uh chuck shumer we might have to edit this out because i don't like this might just be computer conspiracy but i've i've read it on the internet and it was like they negotiated with david koresh this guy whose daughter, like, he's in Columbine the Book.

You read on the internet have not corroborated.

I don't know.

I got to look this up.

I'm going to tell you right now.

Listen, you're just kind of dipping your toes in a little QA.

You're going to get nuts.

You're going to come in.

It's going to be all aluminum foil.

And I'm not even saying you're wrong.

I'm just saying, let's do a little research, Dan, because we are aligned on our hatred for mainstream politicians.

This episode might end up heavy edited after I do some fucking, a little bit of research.

No, I think where you and I are aligned is where everyone is aligned where I think most people want to see everybody not suffer.

Exactly.

I mean, that's the crazy thing is like that's the baseline thing is that there's so much money in America that the fact that I mean what's happening is

every company has to keep making more and more profits.

It's insane.

They can't just be profitable and be happy with that.

I mean the example of the Arizona iced tea, it's like that motherfucker's 99 cents, baby.

He's great, baby.

And he's fine.

They're making money.

You see that CEO talking.

Every other CEO CEO is like, we have to keep making more money.

We have to be richer.

We have to create shareholder values.

Like, no, you fucking don't.

Run a business that makes money, that pays you and pays your employees.

And America, now we're just fucking...

They can't squeeze people anymore, so they're trying to sell off the government too.

We've also, in this weird, fucked up way, idolized CEOs, which is also why we're idolizing politicians.

You're not supposed to like the teacher.

No, or the boss.

You're not the boss.

It's your boss.

It's like you're supposed to be like, I don't know.

He goes to to the country club and fuck him.

You're supposed to be like Clark Griswold, where you want your crazy cousin to kidnap him if he doesn't give you a bonus.

Yeah, I mean, like, shout out to Luigi.

I mean, it's not good.

It's not good that anybody, anybody do random killing.

You don't want people dying, but you don't want people dying, but it's like those people kill someone every day.

Like, CEOs are killing people with, you know,

like a healthcare CEO is killing somebody by just not, by saying that their profit is more important than somebody having access to health care.

I think

that's a problem.

It's not the same as gun violence, but it's violence.

Like there is violence done by the super rich.

And I think basically, I'm not even saying you can't be rich as fuck.

Be rich as fuck.

Burgess said it where it's like, how about instead of a billion, you have 900 million.

And you're

employees can get dental insurance or whatever.

I would say the problem is, is that we let companies have shareholders.

Yeah.

I don't think CEOs CEOs and companies should be answering to people that don't work there or use the product.

Yeah, you're telling me, like, okay, let's say a company, you buy stock in a fucking somebody who makes lawnmowers or whatever, right?

Yeah.

And they have a great year.

Yeah.

And you know who the guy, you know, the P, the, the workers work hard as fuck.

They, everything's efficient.

The managers, you manage, you know, everything is like, they figured out a way to streamline everything.

They turn a great profit, whatever.

Some guy in an office half of the country away gets the spoils of that, not the guys who built the fucking lawnmowers?

Do you know how

just a guy who bet on it?

Imagine morale.

Imagine the productivity is if that guy, instead of that shareholder in another city that just gambled on it, and if that's all gone, they have a good year.

He comes out to the factory floor.

He goes, guys, everyone's getting two more dollars an hour and Christmas bonuses.

And everyone's like, yeah.

And there's a Christmas party and people are getting drunk and having fun.

And by the way, they can buy houses in the area.

They can buy cars.

They can get to work.

It's better for society.

Which then just makes that town strong.

And every societal problem, you talk about like violence, you know, crime, whatever.

Tell money banks.

Yeah, it's like people are pushed to that stuff.

And yeah, if we just had a basic standard of living in this country where it's like healthcare, housing, you know, people could afford to feed their fucking families.

That's it.

My problem is everything you just said, I 100% agree with, right?

I feel like we're going to put this podcast out and there's going to be people that are like, shut the fuck up.

And you're like, what don't you like about this?

So you don't think everyone in America should have healthcare, housing, and the ability to feed their families?

And if your answer is like, well, I didn't get to do that, it's like, well, so the fuck what?

Dude, you know.

I'm fucking lucky.

I got, I was, I owed.

over $90,000 because I paid for college myself.

Damn.

When I was to get some bitch to fucking write your essays for you, for French essays for you.

By the way, though, $90,500.

$90,500.

Well worth it for a degree I don't even fucking use.

But my mom was like, when I, you know, you have an immigrant mom and I had a single mom.

And there is this like, there is this like Venn diagram where they go, please make me proud.

I worked very hard.

Yeah.

This was really, really hard.

Please do something that I can go tell my friends that you did.

And for my mom, that was like, my mom was college-educated.

She had to pay for it herself.

And she was like, you're going to do that.

You're going to

please get a college degree just so I feel like I did my job as a mom.

Yeah.

But also, she was like, you're paying for it.

Right.

Which gives you so much anxiety.

Totally.

So I told my mom, I go, great.

Well, I'm going to go to community college for two years, which she knew I would drop out.

So then my mom like helped me.

We found this, the parent plus loans.

And then I registered for Stafford loans and like Sally Mae.

I got in company with all those gross motherfuckers and I got all these loans.

I was only able to pay it back because I did seven seasons on a Showtime show and I got an HBO special.

Oh my God.

I mean, that's

a good question.

I had to have no education onto the I had to be an all-star in the MLB to pay off my fucking college.

But the point is, is like,

I paid my college loans.

I'm fucking dude, I'll tell you right now.

I jerk off to ex-fucks, old fucks, but you know what I jerk off more to?

That phone call where I said, We're good.

And I paid, where they were like, I had ten thousand dollars left.

And they were like, Okay, so we're gonna set a payment.

I went, No, no, no, I want to pay it.

And they don't want you to.

Of course, they go, No, no, no, don't, you don't have to pay it.

We can like do it like this.

And I went, No, you're gonna take my money right now.

Yeah, and hearing that woman go, and I go, What does this do if I pay interest?

Yeah, yeah, and I go, What does this do if I pay it?

She goes, Then you're clean, you don't owe anything.

And I paid it, and it was like, I hung up that phone, I called my mom, and I went, I just paid off my fucking loans.

Yeah, and I remember being like,

oh like it didn't matter

the weight off my back

if you told me they were gonna forgive college loans I'd be like 100% you should do that.

Of course.

I'm not gonna go like I had to fucking get on a TV show.

Dude, I got lucky.

Yeah.

I have a fucking awesome my job is our job is so much I know I don't understand people who get rich and then turn their back on being poor.

Well, because you know when I needed a fucking tax break, it's not now.

Yeah.

I can pay my fucking tax now.

I just don't want to go into the fucking NYPD getting tanks.

Yeah.

i want to go into

you know you know like education health care whatever i needed a tax break when i mine mental services for the people outside the fucking bodego in my corner that's another thing like i'm working on a bit about it now but it's like cops used to do a lot that they had no business doing they didn't there used to not be ambulances you know used to be cops that's crazy like somebody would break their leg and a cop would show up it's insane dude get up get up you're faking

the femur's coming through the skin it's a knife

all right easy up clean up

better than driving them down the same preference area but it's like but it's like yeah it should be that's a mental health issue but it shouldn't be aggressive people and fucking insane people mixing get some get get a gentle guy just i don't know or even open up an asylum pay your taxes it just i don't know man i don't know it's a separate issue from like straight up crime is homelessness i wish

Two people that have addictions, right?

I'm a substance guy, you're a food guy.

Yeah, and substance.

And substance.

And substance.

And sex.

When you have an addictive gene, you have an addictive gene.

What's crazy to me is that no one thinks of wealth hoarding as an addictive gene.

I wish people who wealth hoarded looked like people who overeat.

Yeah.

So you could go like, like, dude, if Jeff Bezos looked like a thousand-pound life, if he was like,

he goes, I love certain.

If he was like all fat, he's like,

my beautiful wife.

Yeah, yeah.

And she's like, I love him for him.

And he's just a pool of a human being.

Totally.

I wish that's.

It would be nice.

There was some kind of like visual marker.

If Elon had to get forklift into the room.

Yeah.

Beep, beep.

And they're like, I'm an easy leader.

Yeah, because that is what it is.

It's resource hoarding.

It's like when you see one of those fat monkeys.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's like, that's what they're like.

But then here's the thing.

All I'm saying is I think it would be funny if people who hoarded wealth were really fat.

There will be someone in the YouTube comments that's like fucking lib tard soda or whatever.

And it's like, hey, you're the fucking loser.

You're sucking your dick.

You're sucking a guy's dick who literally looks at you as an expendable piece of how to make more money.

You're pathetic.

You're the fucking batter.

They might as well put a fucking, it's the, you're the matrix pod where they would love to just put something in your brainstem to generate a lot of people.

And by the way, they do.

What do you think fucking smartphones are?

You think that algorithm is helping you yeah dude is snapping out of an algorithm run where you go like oh dude dude i tried to do this as a joke but yeah last night at bed i was going i want to go to bed early yeah and i'm just on my phone and i hate it there's nothing good and then that feeling of being like i feel like i've done something i feel like i've actually worked out where i'm like i did it and it's like no you didn't you just wasted an hour you know when there's like um an alarm going off or a buzzing and then it stops And then it feels like empty?

That's how it feels when you get off an algorithm.

Yeah.

Because you're like, was this a buzzing that ended?

Dude, I was on a plane and there was an old lady, old rich lady in front of me.

And she had her screen very bright, no screen protector.

I watched her scroll.

She did Facebook, Twitter, back to Facebook, email, Twitter.

And I watched her go.

Dude, it was...

worse than any mushroom trip I've ever had in my life where I was like, oh, oh, it was like Tucker Carlson, little girl dancing,

a puppy picture, a motivational quote.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tucker Carlson again.

Trump.

And then she was like, but she was just scrolling and you're like, dude, I can't watch someone else's algorithm.

But that's why they're fucking, that's how they're getting us to shut the fuck up.

And then the bots that go like, it might be a bot that goes like, ah, these fucking lib tards are suck.

And then someone goes like, yeah.

And you go, dude, they're making you look stupid.

I know.

I mean, it just like, I don't understand.

the like sucking off the people that are making your life bad.

It's like they're hoarding wealth.

They're like, no one can make a billion.

No one can make that level of money.

They don't work that hard.

You're telling me somebody worked hard enough to make $400 billion?

That's why...

That's what

they're that much.

Like if somebody makes, you know, 90K a year, that guy is worth, I can't even be

thousands of times more.

People in dire situations right now, though, will look at you and go, yeah, but I'm going to do that.

And you go, there's no way you are.

Yeah.

because i'm gonna tell you right now someone that's been around very rich people either because of the but because of billions or just because of living in new york city the ultra rich are very apathetic oh yeah they don't care like it's tim dylan's character for real for real yeah absolutely like no like no kayfabe yeah like an actual guy that's just like i don't know they don't appreciate humanity and there's like a there's like a there's a poetic justice to it where it's like these people's lives are empty yeah like they're not well it's not it

it's empty in the sense of like there's no nutritional value yeah they're just like everything they have it's like they live off a life of fast food there's no like home cooking there's no like there's no uh grounding there's no grounding of like i'm a member of my community i'm a member of like i'm friends with my neighbors what's the point of the i mean i'm not but fuck that yeah yeah yeah you think i'm gonna talk to the fucking apartment

f I know a couple.

I met a couple neighbors.

They were pretty nice.

Oh, yeah.

An old couple and a couple of young gals.

Have you won over the African Dorman yet?

Actually, yesterday, yeah, I asked him about the rooftop.

Watch Stopmy's podcast when it comes out with me and Becky O, but I'm interested to know what he said.

I asked him about the rooftop.

He kind of smiled.

He's like, you're going to go enjoy the rooftop.

He's like, oh.

He liked that for some reason.

You know, he's inscrutable.

I don't know what he likes, what he doesn't like.

You like the moon.

Yeah, yeah.

I like the moon.

He says shit like that.

There you go.

Yes, I like the moon.

Yeah, moons are.

And then after that, I overdo it.

I'm like, dude, I'm a big moon guy.

I'm a lunar.

I'm a lunar head.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a lunar lunatic.

I'm a lunatic, brother.

I'm a lunatic.

Then you know that there is a crescent moon tomorrow.

And you go, it is.

He goes, it's a half full moon.

I knew you are full of shit.

Is it waxing or waning?

Quick, go.

Waning?

No.

Go.

Get lost.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

I think you're one of the fucking best people I know.

Thanks.

And you're one of my favorite people that, like,

I'm so happy you're successful.

Thanks, dude.

Because, you know, and also the way you say it is, like,

it does make me feel less crazy that you go, yeah, dude, there's just no rules and people aren't going to fucking follow the rules.

And you go, it does make sense.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Absolutely.

And by the way, I know some of the stuff I said while we were talking is like idyllic.

And I understand that politicians are like, well, that isn't the game.

It's like us comparing politics.

It's very similar to entertainment where they go, why go by the rules?

So everyone else cannot go by the rules and succeed way more than me.

And you're like, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I mean, I know it is tough that it's like, it's essentially, it's marketing and it's like, it's not about representative government at all.

But that's also why I think the only thing.

I mean, I did, literally, I did not know if you were talking about stand-up or politics there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I guess both.

But it's like, it just, just getting people to know you is the most important thing, which sucks.

But also, from a societal standpoint, I think the only thing that has kind of gotten me a little more, that's gotten me off the like, like nihilistic, like, oh, we're, because I definitely spent some time thinking like, oh, we're fucked, whatever.

And look, ultimately, maybe we are, but all you can control is, I mean, I do think it starts locally.

I do think like if you can help out somewhere, go help out somewhere.

I'm working on stuff in Baltimore.

My brother, you know, I have family that works in Baltimore City Public Schools.

I'm working on doing some programs with kids there.

Even politically, I think, I think, you know, I think it's important to have people that can actually affect your lives at the most local levels.

Local elections are

so much more important than anyone gives credit to.

Absolutely.

It literally affects stuff like street cleanup,

fucking times of garbage pickup.

Absolutely.

You need to know who your comptroller is.

You need to know who your fucking lieutenant governor is.

And you can actually go to some of those meetings.

You can actually have a relationship with those people.

I mean, even in terms of our mayoral, I know New York's a huge place, but it's like, I think the energy around somebody like Zoran Mamdani is huge because he, whatever, even if you don't fully agree with his politics, he's talking about shit that actually affects regular people.

Well, that's like, he's talking, you know what I mean?

It's like, that was the, he's actually, he's actually talking about New York.

He's like, no, I'm not going to fucking Israel.

I'm the mayor of New York.

Yeah, you're.

Why are you asking me this?

It doesn't make any sense.

And he proved something to me that I knew, but he proved it when he beat Cuomo, watching all the old Democrats go like, no, no.

Yeah, vote blue no matter who.

Vote blue no matter who.

Except that

you don't like him.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

Terrorist.

Yeah, yeah.

You're like, he's Indian.

He's like, yeah, yeah.

Terrorist.

And you're like, damn, you guys really are the same.

Yeah.

You really are the same.

And it helped prove my point to a lot of my friends who are liberal.

Because a lot of my friends who are liberal, when I push back against like hating Chuck Schumer or Pelosi or that, they go, oh, you're just like a secret Trump guy.

I'm like, I'm not a secret Trump guy.

Those guys even more.

There's an actual third option, which is like caring about working people.

Could you imagine, and I know, listen, this will be the most I probably ever talk about politics on this podcast, but could you imagine a system where it was five candidates, no electoral colleges, and literally the best policy got elected?

I know that'll never happen

until Citizens United is repealed.

And that's it.

Until all that shit happens.

But if you fucking could actually run on like, hey, I'm going to do this and I'm going to, which a lot of people still believe is what elections are, but they're not.

It's super PACs.

It's why everyone in the New York mayoral race went during the debate said, what will you do?

And everyone but Mom Donnie went, I'll visit Israel.

Yeah.

And you went, that's crazy.

What does that even mean?

You know, the amount, the amount that people,

you can tell how somebody votes based off of who donates their campaign.

It's getting money out of politics is the number one issue that you need to be worried about.

And also it'll never fucking happen.

They proposed that bill.

They proposed that bill that

members of our politicians can't invest in the the stock market and then that one guy went

well i don't know who's gonna run for government if you can't make money off it and you're like yo you're just fucking saying it like you're just saying it now it's crazy it's like i mean that's like being hustled and someone going like well i'm not really your friend i'm just using you and then i'm gonna move on and you go huh

yeah yeah yeah no dude i know it fucking it does fucking suck but check out stavi's world please do yeah watch all of his specials got one on netflix got one on youtube watch tires dave and tires excellent coming to london yeah dude uh september 13th i think hell yeah something like that are you doing a euro tour or are you just doing a little bit i'm doing london i'm doing everything else pretty much sold out but check out my london dates i'm trying to get i added a second one we're trying to get that going yeah um but yeah you are uh

One of my favorite human beings on earth.

You're one of my favorite.

You fucking bust your ass in a way that's like, damn, I got to start working on it.

But I love it, man.

I live a very empty life.

No.

I don't know.

I have a beautiful home, beautiful fiancé.

I'll tell you, my personal life is kind of in shambles.

I've sort of

trying to get my addictions and everything.

Where do I go?