93: Two Guys Talking About Poop with Marc Maron | Soder Podcast | EP 91

Angeles, California, September 25th.

I am going to be at the United Theater.

That's downtown.

I know you don't want to go downtown, but come and see a great show.

I will be in Wilmington, North Carolina at the Dead Crow Comedy Club, August 14th through the 16th for five shows.

Seattle, Washington.

I'm going to be there September 26th.

Long Island, New York.

I'm back at the Belmore.

in Long Island on Saturday, August 23rd for two shows.

Two shows at the Brook Ridge Comedy Club.

And then, speaking of hot, Phoenix, Arizona.

I am going to be at Stand Up Live for four shows.

I'm going to be there September 5th and 6th at Stand Up Live in Phoenix.

It's a huge room.

Come on out.

I haven't been to Phoenix in a while.

Dansoder.com for all dates, including the Golden Retriever of Comedy.

That's the theater tour that kicks off in late September in Los Angeles.

We got all the dates listed and all the dates are up on my website for sale.

Dansoder.com for tickets.

I do a joke about it.

I say, I don't know what the new media landscape is, but according to my reels, it's just two to three white guys sitting behind mics talking about the last time they shit their pants in public.

Yeah, that's what it is.

By the way, that's

mediocre afternoon radio for everybody.

You know how that's, you know how they call religion the opiate of the masses?

Yeah.

The new opiate of the masses is just white dudes talking about shit in their pants.

Yeah.

that's what it is it's just us sitting around going yeah i pooped yeah yeah i pooped once as a grown-up as a grown-up uh when was the last time i my pants good question great good question great feel that

let's not talk about arms deals let's talk about when's the last time you squirted in your pants um

But more people do need, you go into a serious thing.

More people do need to talk about shitting your pants.

Look, if it's an ongoing thing, you might want to consider seeing a doctor.

Now,

you grew up in Albuquerque.

Yeah, I was just there.

Yeah, which is, I grew up in Colorado.

I know.

So, we're in the zone of no humidity.

I know.

But I lived here for years.

I know.

And this is like the damp time.

Yeah.

You just have to be damp.

You used to have a really funny joke about Astoria where you're like, yeah, why don't you come out to Astoria and try

seal meat?

Did I have that joke?

It was something about that where you said,

everyone in Astoria is beige.

And you're like, come out of here.

Come out here and try seal meat.

I forget my jokes, dude.

Some guy said to me,

I was at, I did Morning Joe this morning.

Yeah.

And some dude in the building, like, you know, 30 Rock, was like, I remember you back in the day from Conan.

I've been here like 30 years.

I remember there's this one time you were running down the hall on a Speedo.

And I'm like, I don't think that was me.

I think I would remember that.

I think that's enough that I would remember that.

I would remember that one.

People do that at comedy clubs.

You know, I've been in it long enough now where people are like, do you remember when you had that joke where you said you'd rather drink cum than forgive your father?

And you go, I don't.

I don't think that's crazy.

I don't think that's mine.

I don't think that's it.

You know what I think the joke is.

You're like drinking?

Maybe I said it.

Maybe.

I think the joke was, oh yeah, it's just skewers.

There's primitive meat going on in Astoria.

And it was just a

yeah.

It was a skewer of like lamb hearts wrapped in intestine, just turning.

I remember like girls would come out, you know, and stay with me in Astoria.

We'd the next morning walk to get a coffee to actually introduce each other.

Yeah, yeah.

Not under the guise of night, but to really find out.

And then you just like turn onto 30th Avenue and there's like four lambs skinned.

And she's like, ah, and you're like, I can't believe you let me come on your tits.

It's like stuff like that as you're walking in to get a coffee.

Or if it's Easter time, they're the heads.

Yeah.

Just heads and lamb skulls in the window and they put the eyes back in.

Yeah.

Because it's an Easter thing.

That was always fun is to hear the Greek Easter because you'd be like, you would see the celebration.

Yeah.

So Greek.

Yeah.

So Easter would come and go and you'd be like, oh, Easter's done.

And then like a week later, you're like, why is everyone freaking out about Easter?

Yeah, yeah.

And you're like, oh, yeah, they have their own.

Yeah.

It's a whole thing, the Greek Orthodox.

I didn't really understand it.

I didn't understand a lot of things out there because down there when you get off the train, I was at 30th Ave, 37th Street.

I remember,

I was one avenue away from you.

I was on 31st and 20th.

Well, it was like a fucking Fellini movie.

It's like they're dressed like it's 1974 and they're all sipping these giant like iced coffee things.

And like eventually, like, what is that?

And it's got a name and it's too sweet.

I loved it, though.

The greatest part was the World Cup in a story.

You just hear like loud crows in bars, like Brazilians.

Or the Colombians.

Yeah, the Colombians.

Remember the Egyptians,

Egypt won the Africa Cup, and it was like a Saturday.

Yeah.

And I go outside to smoke a cigarette and I'm like, is the world ending?

And it's just Egyptians.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're like, I wasn't even aware that you guys were in a competition.

That was great, though.

You walk up to like Steinway and take a left off of 30th.

It was all Egyptian.

Yeah.

And eventually you're going to eat everything there.

You're going to try the sweets.

Yeah.

It's all different.

It's basically just phyllo dough and nuts and honey in about 90 different shapes.

And then you can dip stuff into oils, dip bread into different oils.

I wasn't aware of Greek racism until I moved there.

I'm always very fascinated.

That's why you can put any ethnicity in there.

I was not aware of blank racism.

Not like the Greeks.

I'm telling you.

The Greeks,

there is white-on-white racism, you get to a point where it becomes impressive, where you go, you really have to stick with this.

Sure.

You're trying.

Black racism, it's easy.

That's beginner racism.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dark, bad.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Brown, bad.

Brown, bad.

Ew, don't like it.

Smells different.

Don't like it.

White on white racism, you have to like it.

Well, some of those.

Dig in.

Yeah.

Well, some of those older, you know, ancient countries they've got racism that goes way back yeah where you're like oh it was a battle in 13 bc yeah where you got your emperor got killed by a guy and you guys hold on to that yeah it's never going to go away like i didn't know greeks and turks oh yeah but that's more modern i should at least know that one well there's some bad stuff that went on there and it's and the armenians too i live in

a big armenian neighborhood i don't know what's going on my mom business there you go i do believe you guys had a genocide i'm gonna acknowledge it i'm gonna keep before i I know that you went through some stuff and this is your town.

I'm good with it.

But I've told this story before when I first got on this MTV2 show, it was the first time I got like a real paycheck.

Yeah, yeah.

Like a good paycheck.

And there's all these furniture stores in Astoria.

And I was living with Mike Vecchion,

Great Trump.

And it's just all this furniture.

On Steinway.

I was living right on 31st Street under the train.

right in Astoria.

So I was under the NW.

And there's all these furniture stores.

And I'm like, you know what?

Fuck it.

I'm going to buy a couch.

Because Because we have a big living room, tiny bedrooms, but a really big living room and a shit couch.

That's back in the day where you could buy a couch without going online.

Without going online.

Literally, I walked you online.

Like, I'll just walk it back.

You guys helped me walk it back.

You know what's so funny is you have that joke in your special right now about going to buy a vacuum after being online.

And you're like, this machine kills fascists.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, and it's like, you really, the face-to-face

of

buying stuff.

I don't know when's the last time you've returned something to a store, not online.

You know, it's real who's real good at at that where's my phone that's buzzing i don't know it's jingle jangling oh here it is there you go it's it's my ring everyone's wearing a form of bathing suit in new york right now the only reason i'm in jeans is because i came home and showered these are these are with shorts i know but they all look they all look that's because swimming suits swimsuit adjacent kind of i bet you could jump into a pool at that and you wouldn't have to say i like this i like this brand yeah oh no yeah but uh target's real good at returning you can return anything at target even if you didn't buy it there almost but i haven't i i would yeah you just take it in you go No, I got this at the other Target, but we don't sell these the other Target.

They're probably on to some new shit we don't even know about.

We'll bring it in.

But I went, I took a shirt back.

I haven't returned something in person

since before COVID.

And to be at the power of a 16-year-old girl, I forgot what that was like.

Sure.

I had a box of t-shirts.

Yeah.

And I brought it back and I went, hey, these didn't fit me.

These are the wrong size.

And she went, I don't know.

The box is broken.

And then watching her rise to this warlord and be like, I will check downstairs.

And I'm like, bitch, you're 16.

Give me my money.

I want my money back.

You got someone committed to a service job.

That's so rare.

It is rare.

Because you're expecting her to give you your mixtape or slide you her OnlyFans card.

And you're like, oh, no, you're just a girl that works.

You're taking some power.

And I liked it.

I kind of liked, I kind of liked being like, oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just a customer.

May I please have my money back?

And it was this this in in-person moment that I haven't felt in fucking years.

Well, that's what's good about human interaction.

You know, you get to feel those moments where you're like,

you have to respect the situation.

It's what's disintegrating right now because of social media.

Of course.

And you can't just yell into a mic or be anonymous.

You have to, the woman's like, the box is broken.

You got to be like, oh.

I did rip it open like a chimpanzee, which, by the way, that's exactly what Katie said when I opened it.

She goes, you didn't even try them on.

You just ripped it open.

I went, they're shirts.

They're going to fit.

And I put it on and it was like tight.

And I was like, god damn and she's just watching me she's like they're gonna fit huh and then the second i brought it back to the store the girl's like i don't know that box is damaged did she take them yeah of course went downstairs and then they went up and they're like you just got to refile them one by one yeah but then you're watching bureaucracy crush this woman's power in the moment where they go well you got to do this and fill out these and she's like just so this motherfucker can get his 50 bucks that's the last time she's going to commit to her little job yeah yeah that's why cvs in new york i love the attitude because i get it yeah you can just steal stuff, I guess.

Not anymore.

Everything's locked down.

Everything's locked down.

Detergent is locked down.

If I want to go buy deodorant, I have to mentally prepare that I have to get led into a fucking.

God forbid you got to buy rubbers or lube or something.

I mean, dude, buying lube used to be a thing where you were like, and then you go and you put it with stuff and you're like, warming jelly?

It's for my grandma.

She can't get wet anymore.

Good excuse.

That's the first one that comes to mind.

My grandmother's getting fucked.

I want to help her out.

Nan's a little dry

not for me not

for me it's her it's her vietnam husband that's just getting his skin torn off he's got some viagra coming so now it's all new the pills i'm trying to beat the pill refill so man can enjoy herself but there is this thing of like you have to buzz in like you're launching a nuke in order to get deodorant yeah i just went there today yeah uh to uh was drain dwayne reed i like it's weird when i travel for some reason i go to towns and i just buy the same shit all the time it's because I forget it or I don't bring it.

And then eventually you're like, who gives a fuck?

But like I, I didn't forget, but this humidity, like I get athletes' body.

Or just athlete's foot.

The function.

Everything.

Everything.

It's just like, it's just like my skin is like just fungus prone.

This is

I don't do any deodorants.

And the woman's, you don't do any?

No.

Even under your armpits?

Nothing.

Ever.

You know, I can't smell.

What?

And I have no sense of smell.

Well, then what do you care?

Exactly.

This is the first time where I ever go like that.

I'm not usually down.

You almost said it like like a threat, and I was like, brother, I'm bulletproof.

You could have rolled around a dog shit.

I'm busting my ball.

You can't smell anything.

But have you?

When's the last time you've

you fucking freaked?

You didn't even smell anything.

Guys, right.

It's like

I usually douse myself in patchouli, so it makes up for it.

It's just, here's the thing, any perspirance never worked.

I'll sweat no matter what.

So that, no, that was out.

So the deodor thing, I'm very sensitive to smells.

I can't stand them.

You're the opposite of me.

Oh, yeah.

and but there's some I like and I just don't I don't use I don't some soaps a lot it just annoys me so if something smells particular you're like just like it doesn't it just uh it just feels so fake and gross like people use like I don't use smelly detergent I don't use I don't use smelly laundry sheets

kind of man yeah and I because I can't smell rely on everything having the scent because I don't know and I'm not just gonna do it I'm gonna overdo it I'm not gonna go out there and just risk stinking.

Because no one's going to tell you.

Yeah, but how bad can you, like, some people just smell bad?

I don't believe I smell bad.

Yeah, but we would like to do it.

Even my body odor, I'm like, it's pretty good.

There's no, no one goes, you stink.

Yeah.

They go like, hey, all right, I'll see you later.

And you walk away and they go, that fucking guy smells.

Wow, did you

go around?

What did he eat?

You go, you know, soda fucking stinks.

Is he sweating pee?

Yeah.

I think he drinks piss.

It's like a thing he does.

When he can't smell, he thinks it's going to bring it back.

But yeah, I'm fascinated with like, I have to make sure I have deodorant on because I don't want to smell.

I'm just trying to hold back fungus.

This is the first summer I've ever had.

Like some reason, and this is medical, so if it's triggering,

skip over.

This is my camera.

It's triggering to hear about skin fungus.

No, since I was a kid, I've had this tinia versicola thing that keeps coming back.

And it's just, it's like, it's like some sort of, I don't know, it's some sort of fungi thing, but it kind of discolors your skin.

It gets a little scaly and shit.

So this is the first summer, somehow or another, I went to the dermatologist.

I'm like, let's get ahead of this.

What can I do?

And I've tried my whole life because I was concerned that I would at some point become albino.

Oh,

like it would grow over your head.

And you'd wake up and be like, oh, boy, my God.

Now I'm a superhero.

But

no, so I just, I got the shampoo and I got the, you know, some of the creams.

And I'm like, all right.

And I went back to the dermatologist.

It's like, you're clean.

And I'm like, fuck yeah.

So now I get that, the antifungal powder.

I'm just like, I'm staying ahead of it.

Yeah, you're like, get this the fuck out of here.

I'm always surprised

this kind of weather without, when you don't grow up in humidity,

then you live in it.

You go like, I, I don't know.

He's a queen's kid.

And you're just like, there's no way I could have fucking grown up in this.

Cause, you know, I was here for years, dude, with this stuff.

And it's just like, the thing I like about it, because, you know, I'm a sober guy, it's like you're out in this all day.

You feel wasted.

And also like, on this.

You come home and you're like, I'm drunk on humidity.

Everyone on the train looks like they're in a walk of shame.

Everyone looks like they just had a bad night and they couldn't change.

My favorite thing is yesterday, I came home from the walk and I told Katie this.

Sometimes there's these days that it's so gross in New York that the city goes collectively and without telling anyone, they go, shorts day.

Everyone wears shorts.

No one looks cool today.

And you just see guys in shorts, everyone's in shorts, and you're like, everyone's like, hey, because, you know, in the fall, you see people and you go, oh, they put that look together.

They look great.

New York's got a lot of cool looking people.

That's cool.

They wait for that.

That's the good time.

But this time, right now, in July, they go, short day.

No one's cool.

And everybody my age or older just looks like they're dying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where you want to give them water?

They're trying to have the nice shorts and everything, but they're like,

you're getting handed bottles of water like a bum where they just go, here you go.

Or like a marathon runner.

There's just people in that corner.

Just a cup.

But

back to the Astoria.

Oh, let's get back to the couch.

To the the couch, to the Greek racism.

What happened with the couch?

So I go to this furniture store, and the guy's like,

I want a big sectional couch.

So I measure it, and I'm like, that's an L?

Yeah, like an L couch.

And I go, this is great.

It's soft.

I'm like, this is great.

Guys, like,

$1,200

cash.

And I'm like, great.

I got $1,200 on me.

You didn't play the game?

No, I went, I'm such a mark.

I'm such a mark.

Me too.

I just don't want to do it.

I don't have the confidence to do like, how how about a thousand?

Yeah.

Where I don't want to go 900 and I give you fucking, you know, grape leaves around.

But I was like,

yeah, I got 1,200 on me.

We can do that.

And then his eyes light up.

So I know he's kind of fucking me somehow.

And he's like, he's like, all right, you're doing the work order.

And he's like, where am I delivering this?

I'm like, I live on 31st Street.

He's like, great.

Last name?

And I go, Soder.

And he goes, Soder.

What is that?

I go, it's Swedish.

He goes, you're not Greek?

I go, I'm not Greek.

He goes, $1,900.

You know, $2,100 couch.

I go, what the fuck, dude?

And he goes, I thought you were Greek.

Yeah.

Just unapologetically, like to the point.

And I went,

I went, oh, fuck you.

And he went, fuck you.

And I walked out and went to a different furniture store and bought a couch for $2,200.

I didn't even get the deal somewhere else.

I would have paid that.

But it was so crazy watching that guy go, yeah, absolutely not.

You're not fucking Greek.

I'm not giving you that.

Well, I think that was such an insulated community for so long.

It was.

Astoria astoria had the second most amount of greek people outside of athens yeah we used to have a large astoria my building was not greek owned it was owned by uh where was he from like it was he was south american his name was carlos and where he came from like dominican republic maybe he was a dentist okay but he couldn't practice dentistry here unless he went back to school and he was this little muscle building little guy but he used to be a dentist and now he owns a building and he just works out at the gym and i remember my friend jodi who lives downstairs i think she might still live in the building.

She had a problem with her oven.

Sure.

And he came up and he looked in the oven.

He goes, if it was a mouth, I could fix it.

I like him looking in there and suppressing like the bottom low like it's a tongue.

Let me take a look at that.

These guys came by.

We had a, you know, I lived with comic Mike Vecchion for 10 years.

Oh, yeah.

What's he doing?

He's great.

Oh, good.

He's put out a fantastic special as well.

There's a leak in the,

there's a leak in the kitchen sink, right?

And it went down and it got in the floorboards and it warped one of our floorboards in our kitchen that's under linoleum.

So it pokes up.

Poked up.

It was like a ramp.

Oh, so it's flat linoleum, not linoleum tiles.

It's flat linoleum.

Rolled linoleum.

So it was like a little tent.

Yeah.

Eight years we had that.

I would call Anthony.

I'd go, Anthony, you got to fix our kitchen.

You go, dang, I'm out of another property.

I can't get there until whatever.

Dude, one thing.

And I'll be out here forever.

And forever.

He never fixed it.

We moved out and we're like, like all right bye speed ramp like we're gonna miss you listen we both know it is not pants season right now it's summer it's short season but guess what it's flying by it's august and pants season is almost here unlike last year when the first cool morning slapped you awake and reminded you it's pants season now i got my jeans from perfect jeans The perfect jean, I'm telling you, I can't wait to wear just long pants every day again.

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get those perfect jeans it's almost pants season baby

i remember there there's a bed bug problem in the building oh bed bugs in the story are and I held on to that place forever and there was a couple of people some guy just ripped me off a friend of Jody's and Stole's who lived downstairs a musician he lived there for months never paid me then this photographer moved in but there were bed bugs and I came back in 2004 I held on to that place for years when did you get it originally probably 90

I think 95, 96.

It was a two-bedroom with a kitchen.

It was nice.

I'm trying to remember how much I paid for it.

Does 22 sound right?

Yeah, I was paying 22 for a two and a half around the corner.

Right, that was cheap, right?

Yeah, it was really cheap.

And

but I remember like with the bed buzz thing, I had an exterminator to come in.

And when the building has it, you're fine.

You can't, you can't do anything because they just move.

Yeah.

And they never bit me, but you get obsessed with them, dude.

I covered everything in plastic, everything was encased.

I'd never been more organized in my fucking life.

And I just remember this wheezing East Indian dude comes over and he's got the sprayers.

He's like, he could barely breathe.

He's not wearing a mask.

And he literally said, this stuff doesn't work.

I miss DDT.

Oh, my God.

You're like, yeah, well, it made babies born with two heads.

Yeah, and you barely can't breathe.

He's like,

exactly.

You can't interpret.

He's like, I miss the DDT.

Exactly.

It was large.

He can't even pull it.

Yeah, we had...

You had Bedbugs?

I never had them, but Mike Vecchion had him in.

Remember how terrifying it was?

Dude, he had them in so bad that he was, he had PTSD.

No, it makes people crazy.

He had it seven times.

So he would like move all his stuff to the middle.

They'd bomb it.

He'd put it back.

And then they'd come back.

And it was the building.

It wasn't him.

And the building kept blaming him.

Yeah.

And this is when he lived in Crown Heights.

You can't kill him.

They're prehistoric, too.

They are.

And what's funny is the ruse that I've never even known if it's true or not, the beagle.

the dog.

I don't know if you had that here.

I don't know what was that.

That was like a thing in Queens.

It was a commercial where they'd be like, do you got bed bugs?

Bring Busta, the Beagle, over.

He'll smell them.

So instead of you having to check, they just bring a dog.

And if your dog, if the dog smelled your mattress and barked, they'd be like, you got bed bugs.

That's a racket.

It was 100%.

They knew people were nuts.

Because with bed bugs, bed bugs are, they only come out at night.

You never see them.

Yeah, and

they bite you in like weird crop circles.

Yeah, I never got bitten, though.

I think women get it worse.

They fight women.

The funniest bed bugs thing I've ever seen is I worked at this Mexican restaurant in Midtown in one of those like high-rise buildings.

And we were downstairs.

There was a locker room downstairs where everyone got changed.

So you could keep your all-blacks there.

And then like, it was great for me because I'd do lunches, change into my regular clothes, go do stand-up.

So we're down there and there's like restaurants attract the newest members of New York.

When you move to New York, you get a job at a restaurant.

That's how like a lot of people, this girl is from St.

Louis, and she's like in the locker room.

She's like,

And, you know, it's bussers, runners.

Everyone's changing in there.

Yeah.

And this girl's like, yeah, I don't know.

My arm is itchy.

I like have this and this, this, you hear this Dominican guy go, fucking bed bugs, fucking bed bugs.

And everyone just scatters out of their locker room.

And she was like, what?

And they're like these C's on her arm.

And everyone's like, you got fucking bed bugs.

And she was like, what does that even mean?

Like, someone had to explain to her what bed bugs were.

We're like bed bugs.

They explained to her the next two years of her psychotic life

trying to get bed bugs out of her new apartment.

She's going to be like, you're going to go crazy.

You're going to go crazy.

crazy but someone had to i remember someone telling her did your mom ever say sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite yeah and she went yeah

well there are bed bugs and she went now that's not real and you're like you have it you have it and then she came back and she was like i gotta get the beagle it was like a video like i gotta get call the dog but those like bed bugs you would see the thing and be like you're fucked oh you could you didn't want to sit on a train you don't want to get close yeah it was like the pre-covered covet yeah it really was it is and it still goes on because people go like oh there's like a bed breaks bed bugs outbreak i worry about it now when i stay in like an old hilton if like a hilton any hotel you don't know like even the nicest hotels yeah come in on the in the luggage or what yeah but there's not the here's the problem is you can't you usually can't find them No, you have to do like little tricks.

There's like you could put oil at the bottom of your bed or some shit like that.

I don't know, but like it, if you still, if you get it in your head that there might be bed bugs it's gonna you up you're just gonna be a fucking mess i'm telling you right now how up mike vecchion was that he would go to hospital dude he would on the road he still does this he only puts his stuff in the bathtub traumatizing he dude like he's sleeping there sleeping there with a pillow that he's like worried about bed bugs for his birthday i bought him a suitcase that you can plug in and it'll heat up the suitcase killing all the bed bugs Is that true?

Yeah.

I found it online.

It's a life changer.

And he was like, when I gave it to him, he was like, I can fight back.

There was this moment where he's like,

you're giving me back my life where you're like, you're free now.

I don't know what that was, though, but remember it was like an epidemic.

It went on for like

years.

I mean, it still happens.

It just, there's outbreaks and then it happens.

And then the city of New York is very like, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take it easy.

They're always here.

Shut the fuck up.

Donnie, he might be a socialist.

Shut the fuck up.

And you're Oh, yeah, they're all here.

They're here.

Big bugs are always here.

You can't kill them.

You just said it.

It's like rats.

But what's funny is one time I

back, I was living with back younger.

I was still drinking.

Yeah.

And I'd play in this beer league on Mondays, this softball beer league.

Yeah.

And I'd get a little tinned up in the afternoon.

And one time I came home to take a nap and shower before I go do spots.

And I like draw my sheep back,

take a nap, and I go, oh, fuck.

And I go, oh no, Mike.

And he like knew where I was, knew my time.

I've never seen him freak out like that.

He's like, what is it?

Is it a bed bugs bed?

And I'm like, what is that on my bed?

And he's like, oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck, man.

And it was a carpet beetle, but they're very small and they can fly in.

And I was like, oh, is this it?

And then he, like, like a detective, he like looked at.

He's like, no, that's not my enemy.

But watching him fucking jolt like that.

When you have bed bugs, the first time you do like a Google search on them, they're like, ooh, little monsters.

It's like herpes.

Yeah, it's like they're.

It's like when you get a little ingrown hair and you go, fuck.

Crabs.

It's like crabs is what it's like

when you're scratching.

You're like, what the fuck is that on my skin?

It's an egg sac.

You're about to have a

dude bed bugs are the they are apartment herpes.

Remember when crabs were a thing?

Are they still a thing?

Yeah, genital, like genital crabs are a thing.

Well, they're just like, they'll go in any hair.

Escabies, remember scabies?

Scabies, I got scared about because I had a rash one time.

Yeah.

And I googled.

This is the problem of growing up with anxiety in Google.

Yeah.

Because you Google it and Google goes, you're right.

I'm fighting Googling something right now.

Don't do it.

I'm not.

I'm going to wait.

It's not going to.

Going to wait it out.

I called my doctor because I've been having, I broke my shoulder playing high school football.

And so when I, they were like, when you're going to get older, there's going to be like some nerve.

You're going to feel it when you're older.

But when you're 14, you're like, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, yeah.

But now I'm in my 40s and I'm like starting to feel it.

But what it does is because the nerves are all attached, it's attached right here.

So I'm getting like chest pains.

So I call my doctor like, hey,

like maybe I should come in and get like a workup.

And he's like, you had a physical in May.

You're fine.

Your blood pressure is normal.

Your cholesterol is fine.

And you're like, I don't know.

I don't know.

Google says it might be a heart attack.

Dude, I went into a doc.

I talked to some guy.

I used to be a real hypochondriac, but I talked to some guy.

Has it dissipated?

Oh, yeah, it has.

Because you're number one.

It's exhausting.

You say this in your 60.

Exhaust.

You say it in special.

You're 61.

Yeah.

I'd kill to look like you at 61.

Well, thank you.

You look phenomenal for 61.

It's a lot of work, dude.

But you come in.

Maybe I should stop using deodorant.

Maybe that's the aluminum in and the deodorant i talked to some guy but years ago before well i mean i was still pretty healthy it was probably a decade ago i went and got one of those calcium scans that's what i wanted to get and he said i was too young

just get it just pay for it who cares everyone's doing the scans recommended now by your doctor yeah but you can pay out of pocket that's what i said and they said we can't do it without it i was trying to go up to columbia and do it what and i was like and that way you just go over to cedars and it's like 250 bucks guess what when i'm there in september guess who's getting a calcium yeah do it like some people are getting these full body scans.

I'll do it in a second.

I'd get a full body scan.

You would?

I'm a little nervous because, like, it's so crazy.

I want to know.

It's so crazy to know what kind of denial you're in.

If I could afford a full body scan and they'll do the whole thing, but I'm like, I don't know.

I kind of want the suspense.

You go, well, I don't want to open my Christmas presents before Christmas.

Exactly.

If I'm going to die of a brain tumor, hit it with me.

Paulie Shore has been like, he's like, dude, you got to get one.

They found something that

wasn't cancer or anything, but he's like, you got to go.

And I'm like,

I know it's be bad i'm setting one up man you are i'm gonna set one up when i go to la i want to skip like i went i talked to some guy in ireland this guy who runs uh the the venue over there the vic or what is it called vicar street right by you ever play there it's a good club it's a rock club uh and he had gone to the heart doctor and was fine and and then like later he he found he he had a pain and they had to put a stint in and this is after he got signed off on a good this is what i mean so so that's what i just that freaked me out because i i already had too much black than i should from you know childhood of smoking and cholesterol yeah burgers and cigarettes whatever yeah man totally but sometimes people just churn that i got a little little uh a little cholesterol issue it's not high borderline but I've been plant-based for two years, but I go to the doc.

I went to the cardiologist and I'm like, just give me an angiogram.

Yeah.

And that's where they insert a camera into your veins.

Yeah, they like do like a full run.

Right, but he's like, that's a little intrusive.

Why do you want an angiogram?

I'm like, why not?

Yeah.

Yeah, take a look.

You got the technology.

Let's get it up on the screen.

Let's talk me, dude.

Yeah.

Let's go get, get the camera up my vein and stick a stint in there now.

I go, dude,

for the peace of mind, put me in one of those machines where they scan me up and down.

They go, do it.

You can do it.

But he said, we don't have to do that.

There's other tests.

You've done a stress test?

Yeah.

Well, they have something called the nuclear stress test, which is where you go harder on that treadmill.

Re run and they got the mask on.

And they run.

And what they do, it's interesting how it works is that the way that checks your veins is if

the ratio of your flow is the same.

Sure.

Like if it's going good, you know, at this weight, you know, they know it's not blocked.

Yeah, the road's open.

Yeah, but still, like, you know, and that just might have been that day.

But that was what my doctor said when I was getting my physical.

I was like, yeah, sometimes I get this chest pain or whatever.

He's like, never when you're working out.

And I was like, no.

And he's like, you're fine.

And you go, but I don't know if that's right.

Do you know the amount of pains we have to live with all the time?

It's just like, that's what I learned over time.

It's like, if you think you have something, wait three days.

Wait three days.

Okay.

And then if day three, it's still there, maybe go to the doctor.

But this one, this like chest pain, like it pops up a little.

And then like, I used to skip them all the time, dude.

I used to get palpitations.

Okay.

I used to get a grr.

This is like, you're like my, you're like my hypochondriac looper.

Yeah.

Like you're like coming back to tell me what not, or you're like, you're fine.

Just keep going.

My buddy Dave in

Albuquerque, who I grew up with, he's like my age too.

And he says, 10 minutes on health talk, and then that's it.

That's it.

Then we're talking to others.

I like that.

10 minutes.

Because when you get old, all you fucking do is talk about it.

You go, what's hurting you?

What's healing you?

By the way, best shits in my life right now.

Just so I'd throw that in.

Okay.

I don't even know why.

Really?

It's like a gift.

Like all of a sudden, like a few months ago, I'm like, what is happening?

Did you notice when you got sober how great your shits immediately became?

Well, I think it's something to do with, I believe it's a supplement I'm taking, number one.

And I think the plant-based thing is really starting to pay off.

Yeah, well, your body's all caught up on it now.

Yeah, I think so.

I don't know.

I started using a squatty potty.

Oh, yeah, of course.

And it just immediately, I was like.

Remember when they were everywhere?

We used to sell them.

I think at the beginning of the podcast, we did at least one.

You got a squatty potty.

You should.

It was a full radio.

I've never been sponsored by them.

They used to sponsor everywhere.

I know, because they were brand new.

And then everyone realized, oh, they realized people were going to buy them without sponsoring.

They realized you just got to throw them in a bed bath and yonder

fucking plastic piece.

And then you don't even.

I have a travel one.

I have one that, by the way, go on Amazon right now.

You can pick one up for $17.99.

Travel with a squatty potty.

And it's flat and the little legs come out.

I find that.

If you stay next to me in a hotel,

you'll hear me go in the hotel room.

You hear the baggage on zip, and you hear like, clap, clap, because I'm putting it right fucking down.

I find that generally, if I'm away for a few days, I can shit regular.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I need my little travel squatty potty.

Wow.

I need to get my little knees up.

It's a commitment.

I need to get it.

Because I don't even think about it anymore.

It's just there.

No, I need a gargoyle.

Oh, yeah.

I need my knees up.

I need my knees up, my little resting place for my phone.

But when you quit drinking and using drugs, did your shits immediately went from being when I drank from being like mulch to being like, oh, an actual poop, actually having a poop.

Yeah, that's new.

It was so fun.

I was like, I was like vent.

I felt like a child again.

I came out to my roommates, like, I'm pooping.

Yeah, yeah.

And they were like, okay.

Not just sort of like, what's going to happen?

Oh, my God, dude.

Or I'd just get up and be like, what did I do last night?

As my body goes,

I remember.

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No, I think that's the only thing.

Well, I think that or the masked gunman yesterday in Manhattan, which we don't know how we address that.

Bad.

Very bad.

Can I tell you, though?

You know,

I hate to make a murderer relatable.

You have to get to those dark jokes quick when this happens.

So he

wanted to murder people at the NFL because he said that he had CTE.

So he wanted to kill people at the NFL and he shot himself in the chest saying that his brain could be evaluated because he felt he had CTE.

Yeah, right.

That's gonna happen.

They're gonna be right on that.

Oh, they're gonna be very gentle with his brain.

Oh, no, no, don't.

That's the murderer.

Yeah,

let's see if he was right.

Oh, he was.

Oh, never mind then.

But the article that I read before you came over, I was like, well, that's relatable.

He took the wrong elevator in a Manhattan Midtown skyscraper and you're like, been there, brother.

Taking the wrong elevator, bank is like, you hate when a mass murderer is relatable.

It's like when, oh, Ben there.

It's like when George Clooney shoots Brad Pitt in Burn Before Reading.

Oh, yeah.

Because he's hiding in his closet.

Yeah, it's exactly this guy.

You're just like, you fucking, you idiot, you fucked it up.

Because they tried to make it sound like a mastermind yesterday.

And you're like, no, it's probably just a crazy guy with a gun.

Yeah.

And then they're like, hey, guys, turns out it was a crazy guy with a gun and didn't know where he was going.

It's weird.

That's where we're at as a country.

It's like, was there an ideological bent here that could make it terrorism or was it just a crazy guy with a petty grievance or just a guy that wanted to shoot people?

Yeah, it's like a slot machine.

It's worse.

You go, oh, we got crazy.

Oh, we got crazy with a gun.

Okay.

I wonder where that's going in.

I think about it.

I get scared sometimes.

About mass shootings?

Yeah, depending on where I'm at and what's going on, there's always sort of like, you know, the half-hours.

But you don't know who the fuck's just going to snap and do it.

Yeah.

I'm also from Colorado, so it seems like I fucking,

my home state loves to do it once every like three months.

The worst movie theaters.

Have we let out?

And then there was a shooting in Boulder.

There was like everything that's happening.

We were like, maybe altitude, maybe we shouldn't live this high.

Maybe that's it.

That's what my eighth grade social studies teacher said.

I believe that.

She was giving us a lecture about stuff and she was like.

She's from Colorado and stuff.

And she's like, I think there's something to be said about altitude not reaching the brain.

And then she like went through all the crazy people that were from Colorado, like squeaky Frohman.

And like, this is in the 90s.

And she's like, she had a theory.

She had like a whole, Miss Patrick had like a whole theory.

And by the way

and this was right as i started smoking weed yeah so i was in eighth grade and i was like yeah

you're like starting to connect it or i'm staying after class and i go miss patrick what's wrong with this yeah talk to me a little bit more about this do you think this altitude's making us all what is the illuminate

do you think it's some sort of adrenochrome that's powering these people must be alien shit right well because another article i read said that uh i do know it makes people way more fucked up than they know they're gonna get oh oh my god you prefer in Denver.

It's like they're calling the...

It was so funny.

I did a show at the Comedy Works downtown in Denver, and Doug Benson did his 420 show.

They had two paramedics come to them.

Really?

Yeah, because people just, on those edibles, and the altitude,

it's going to happen.

You have no idea what it's like.

They go down.

It is.

First off.

I've never seen more public drunkenness than in Denver.

Once in Glasgow.

In Glasgow, Scotland, there's just people vomiting on the street, but they act like it's just Saturday night.

I love that.

I love that the only people that can push the Scots are fucking Coloradans.

Oh, yeah.

And they're like, I've ever dank a lot, man.

He's like a dom tank.

And he's like, I'm from Evergreen.

He's just like a white guy from Evergreen.

He's like, I'm hammered.

I didn't know that it affected you.

I mean, I kind of knew because of the altitude.

But I went to college in Arizona.

So I went to C-level.

At university.

I went to U of A in Tucson.

In Tucson, yeah.

My brother went there.

And then I just out-drank everybody.

Because you were trained.

But it was like that superhero.

You were trained at at high altitude.

It was that superhero.

Like a biker.

Where I'm looking at my hands and I'm going like,

I am powerful.

Like, we're doing shots and they're dropping.

And I'm like, I'm walking through all these people.

What was that horrible bar in Tucson that was sort of a college bar?

Oh, wait, that was Tennessee.

Dirtbags?

No, it was Phoenix.

I'm thinking of.

Phoenix has, I mean, Phoenix has the ASU, which is like...

That's another big one.

You can't even...

comprehend how hard they party.

Yeah.

Like I went to Arizona.

It was very fine.

I didn't do the Greek life.

I didn't have any money.

So I partied with people from tucson yeah but you would go up to asu and you'd be like oh this is a late 80s early 90s college flick where like oh yeah totally guys are jumping off the roof and then they're like that's bambi she's got the biggest tits in the mesa valley yeah that was this is all like a party that was scottsdale right yeah scott it was tempi tempe

oh there was that club there yeah the tempe improv still great is it still great still there still great who is the guy who is the guy dan dan used to run it dan

i went up there oh danny when i started he went down dude yeah i did when he when i went up there yeah he got mad at me i did a competition at tempe improv it was the biggest club i ever did yeah yeah yeah and i want uh i always used to when i first started i had to have a beer before i went up yeah it was like a you know i was nervous it was nerves but i remember having a beer and he was like no drink like he was like all big laughter at my apartment exactly and then everyone when i left i was like yeah the owner was like real weird about me drinking a beer and everyone's like what the fuck are you talking about he's a problem and then he got sober and i think that was i think that was what i think he ended sober he didn't the moment he was sober was at that moment where i did the competition because i only did one set and then i never went because i was like that guy's a prick i'll never go back

i you know like i remember i actually co-headlined there with headberg and you know edberg was doing his own thing sure but what is that green room like is he in his own space are you guys hanging out well he was always in his own space even when you were talking

that's what made him great yeah he was in to make a different time zone.

That's why his joke pacing is different than anyone's ever.

Totally.

Heroin's amazing for pacing.

That's how I got to learn how to be comfortable on stage.

Just to start blasting heroin.

It just make you pure, man.

Hey, Jazz Miles Davis.

It's all jazz, you know.

Well, I do think it speaks to the simplicity and the sort of evergreenness of his

humor.

Yeah, absolutely.

It was almost childlike in its construction.

Yeah.

And the pace was, I think it definitely, look, I'm not going to say it helped him, sure.

But

I did one of my last runs with him, with Hedberg, before I got sober, yeah, dude.

Fuck.

I mean, it was kind of crazy.

Well, it was just one of those same.

It's like going on the road with the 72 Stones.

Well, no, because it's just him and his girlfriend.

It's just Lynn and Mitch.

Lynn and Mitch.

But like, I'd gotten up there and I was still using pretty heavy.

There were two comedy festivals that did me in.

Okay.

There was the one with Hedberg, that was in, that was up in Seattle.

Okay.

So I've been sober since 99.

All right.

So it's probably 98 or something.

And I didn't bring any shit.

And we were co-headlining.

I don't know how that happened, but it happened a couple of times.

We were co-headlining in Seattle, and I didn't bring any Coke with me or nothing.

And I'm like, you know, do you got anything?

And he's like, you know what I'm saying?

He's like, but he was at that point.

Sadly, he was at that point where because of who he was,

they would gravitate to him.

Sure.

And they'd want to

be surrounded by enablers.

They want to give him heroin.

They want to be the guy that, oh, Mitch Hedberg did my shit.

They had a guy.

He always had a guy somewhere, but I was not a heroin guy.

Yeah.

But we ended up like in a hotel room and he had all this black tar heroin, which was that, it was like, it's not here.

Here they got the China white.

They got the stuff from

Asia.

Back in the 80s, when they realized that, hey, if we don't cut this shit, you know, rich white kids can snort it.

Yeah.

Awesome.

So people were dropping dead who were shooting it.

But all the white kids were drooping around.

Oh, funny.

White kids can snort it, walk around, and then the people who are really about that life.

Well, that's a weird thing about junkies.

When they hear that some heroine's killing people, they're like, what block is that on?

That's got to be the good shit.

They just did it wrong.

In that book, Dope Sick by Beth Macy, she talks about that's how fentanyl came on the scene.

Yeah.

Was heroin addict or heroin dealers would hot, they call it a hot pack.

So they put fentanyl in some of the heroin and they would kill somebody.

And then all the junkies would go like, oh, you got that shit.

Yeah.

Like, I want to come get your shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I killed a guy.

I know, he didn't know how to do it.

Lightweight, yeah, that's what it is.

You know what it is?

That's the way when there's a bad audience, every comic goes, I got him.

Yeah, yeah, it's like a hot pack in a, like, it's a shitty crowd, and you go, They haven't heard my take on the weather yet.

But I do, I do remember that day because you know, when you're doing the Coke, because he had Coke, he had, he had the tar.

The tar was from Mexico, sure.

The reason was tar, that's what got all over California, and then eventually ended up all over the country.

It's a great book about that by uh uh Cañonis.

Sam Cañonis wrote a book.

Oh, what was the first one called?

It was about how

the transition of black tar heroin made it all over the country.

It was because of the pill mills.

The whole

dark economy of Oxycon.

Oh, yeah.

And they were just in the parking lot selling this shit.

And this one region in Mexico started sending these, you know, small groups of guys to create like a pager cell in these, you know, eastern and Appalachian areas.

Yeah, where all these people were getting work compensation for hurting their backs.

Right,

but the thing was, they'd show up in the parking lots of the pill mills and say, like, I can get you higher

for 10 bucks.

Yeah.

And that's how it spread, dude.

I mean, there was a story in that book, Dope Sick, about a woman that she needed shoulder reconstruction surgery.

And this is when doctors were getting paid to prescribe Oxycontin by Purdue.

Purdue Pharma was like, hey, push it.

And this woman got on Oxycontin, like 40 milligrams.

She was on 80 milliliters.

She was on something for a month that anyone that knows science was like, that so over the top.

And then she came off it, and that happened to her.

She went to a pill mill, and someone in the parking lot was like, I can get you.

She didn't have any money.

And they're like, we can just get your heroin and she OD'd in her car.

Oh, my God.

But that's like, that's how they got it.

I think it was called Dreamland.

It's a great story.

Yeah, I absolutely order that book because I want to read that.

Kim Jonas is great.

He wrote another one about fentanyl and meth recently.

But that one tracks, you know, the AMA, you know, making it legit for people to

prescribe on a kind of pain management thing.

Yeah.

And that opened the floodgates.

Fucking.

And then the pill mills happened, then the black tar.

And he just found it because he was doing research.

He was an LA journalist.

Yeah.

And he was doing research just for a black tar story in LA, which is where it was.

And it was pulled up a thread and was like in Appalachia.

He was like, what's it doing in Appalachia?

And he, you know, he tracked it all down.

It's

a great book.

But meanwhile, me and Hedberg.

Yeah, that's so funny.

Now we go back to a hotel room in Seattle in 1998.

And him and Lynn, I just remember because it was the first time I heard My Bloody Valentine.

Oh, yeah.

The best.

Great.

And I just remember it because they were doing whatever they were doing in the bathroom and coming out.

And I just remember the two of them on a bed just doing this, you know, like rocking.

And I'm just sitting there with a foil with black char hair on it like in a straw, like going like, I'm doing it, man.

I'm doing it.

I was doing it, man.

Change the channel.

I don't want to watch Sports Center anymore.

No, it was all My Bloody Valentine.

And I still listen to that song and I always remember that.

That's fucking, I mean, is it,

you know, almost like an old gunslinger?

You've lived to this age now where you've watched young comics.

Colin Quinn always used to get annoyed with me when I would open for him because he'd be like, yeah, me too.

I don't think he ever fucking forgave me for it.

For one of us.

For being annoying?

Well, no, because like

he's like, he hasn't done my podcast.

He's got some.

Colin's never done, what the fuck?

Nope.

He works with Colin.

We're both like close.

I'd love him.

Look, I texted him.

I said, dude, dude, you know, like, look, he's like, I don't know.

What do you want to fucking do?

You know what I'm saying?

Fucking go to your house.

You know what I really think?

I fucking got to fly across the fucking country.

Yeah, yeah.

But I'd known him forever.

Yeah.

And he is my, like, he's my guy that I think I would go to the map to say that he's like my all-time, possibly my favorite.

Oh, he's great.

He's great.

You know, and he was.

He's so unique.

He's so himself.

But there's a couple of moments I feel, because he used to have me me on Tough Crowd a lot because there weren't that many lefties.

You know, there was me and Jim David.

And

that was it.

Oh, my God.

I forgot about that.

Jim David was on tough crowd a lot.

Yeah, because they needed.

He lived here and he'd be like, shut up, bitch.

It wasn't like there were a lot of righties, but there were a lot of dudes that would, you know, DiPaulo.

You'd have Norton.

Yeah, and Lenny Klack.

Yeah, Lenny Klack, the Bass and Gerald.

Geraldo was kind of middleman.

God, Geraldo's the best.

But

Colin, I don't think, because I texted him like, you know, a couple of years ago, I'm like, dude, you know, I'd like you to do the show.

Do we have a problem that we can work out?

Is there an issue between us?

He goes, there might be.

And I'm like,

that just sounds like a call and response on like, hey, do you want to go get sandwiches on Thursday?

Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no.

Do we have a problem?

Yeah, yeah.

And I don't, but the reason I'm saying the middle thing

is one time when I was living in San Francisco.

probably 92, 93.

Oh, I was there at that time staying with my dad.

He came out across the bridge from you.

The headline, and I middle for him.

And, you know, I was strong.

Sure.

And, you know, and you know, look, I've, I've got the karmic return from this.

Sure.

You know, like, you know, when you're everybody does.

When you try to bury a headliner, let's not even try.

You just want to do your best.

Sure.

But you do realize that, you know, as you get older, it's their show.

And when you get the power to book your own middles, you're like, take it easy.

Or you book someone that's going to compliment you.

Sure.

Not someone that you got to get up and go, like, oh my God.

There was a moment,

there was about six or seven years where I was very masochistic.

And I still sometimes do it where I go, yeah.

Whatever middle, doesn't matter.

I go, come on out.

Yeah, yeah.

But like I used to bring Tim Dillon, I'd bring Shane Gillis for a while.

Yeah.

And I'd get buried some shows.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you go, this is a horrible idea.

When I'm clawing back at the Albany funny bone, and I'm going like, who am I proving?

What am I proving?

But there were also two of my good friends, so it was like a thing where it made sense.

But I've been in that position where you're the feature and you're like, watch this.

Yeah.

I don't know if I was ever that confident, but I definitely wanted to kill.

Sure.

But I remember

I featured for Colin, and like he, you know, you got to get into his groove.

He's not going to chase you down.

But it wasn't like an easy week for him.

Sure.

And I think that was the first part of the problem.

Yeah.

And then he was kind of like, yeah, this fucking guy.

He's hot shit.

Right.

But he knew me.

And then I think the second part of the problem was like when he started doing the one man shows.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Right at the beginning.

And this is before I get.

Long story short.

Yeah, but it was the first one.

Yes, the one that signed, that he took on Broadway.

No, no, this was years ago.

Oh, you're talking about like

Irish Wake.

Something.

Maybe

they have the poster in the cellar.

This is early 90s.

That was his first.

That might be it.

This might even be before.

This was like, because my Irish Wake was on HBO.

So this might be.

All I know is he was doing that.

Yeah.

And I was a dick.

And I couldn't even sit at the back table at the cellar yet.

So it must have been before she passed me.

So it was probably like fucking, yeah, it was in the 90s at some point.

yeah you could smoke in the cellar oh yeah

but like he came in he's like hey how you doing i'm like all right he said yeah what you got going i'm doing a one-man show

and and i said i remember it because i knew it would never go away

i he said

I have a gift for that.

Yeah.

There you go.

You know what?

This is a great juice stain

on the couch of our relationship.

But I didn't really quite know it because

when you're a dick and you can be cutting, cutting, it's not funny, you know, if it's too personal.

Sure.

And then you just, it's

shifted in the guy.

Yeah.

Well, he said, I'm doing this one-man show, and I said, but you can't hack it on the road anymore.

And he goes, he just went,

my fucking knuckle.

He goes,

and he says, you don't know me well enough to say that to me.

You know, Hawker, say ya, Shory.

That's right.

Yeah.

Calls from Brooklyn, dude.

Do you hear fucking?

I always loved the guy.

And, you know, I thought on tough crowd, we were fine.

But I don't know.

Like, Like, it's it's always fluctuating.

A lot of times

that might all be me.

Like, yeah, like you could talk to Colin, and Colin would be like, I don't know what you're talking about, I just don't like you.

He's like, I don't know, you fucking you buried me one week in San Francisco.

I never wanted to see you again.

And you go, oh, okay, that's fucking good.

But that's the stuff that I carry with me, and that's actually was the beginning of WTF: was me, you know, unpacking all this shit that was mostly in my head.

Man, you had, you know, the infamous two-parter with Louie when Louis was.

Yeah, but that was great.

But, But I'll tell you right now.

Only made amends.

I listened to that, right?

Yeah.

And there was like,

you know, when you're younger and someone older just tells you a fact of life and it scares you in your soul that you go, I know that's true and it's probably going to come true and it's going to scare me was when you guys first started talking about how you separated.

about how you stopped.

There was a couple calls that weren't returned or there was a couple of things that were going on.

And that's when Louis was like i was busy i had a life i was having kids yeah yeah yeah and

at that moment listening to that 15 years ago yeah in that interview i felt in my soul i was like this is this is something that's going to happen to me yeah yeah yeah this is something that as i get older yeah yeah maybe not a comedian maybe but i will watch a friend yeah that i'm close with drift away and it started happening in the last three years and i've thought about that louie episode like i can't wait to have my louis episode with that friend who has drifted away from me yeah but but you have a little more forgiveness for it yes I understand that it's not personal that's right that that's what that episode helped me realize was because the way Louie came back at you on that episode where he goes my fucking life was busy yeah I was I lost I think you have but what about me yeah yeah what about me yeah and so now my life isn't busy yeah and so now I go like okay this isn't about you this is like

yeah of course that is that lesson what's hard depends on what your life does and like him and I like hadn't talked in years because he was mad at me.

I think because I handled his problem,

which I thought I did very diplomatically.

But I believe that, you know, he was not happy with it.

And I don't even know if he listened to it, but the last time I was here, he was very nice.

Yeah.

It's sort of, we're not texting each other, but we were okay.

But man, I feel like this Colin Quinn thing can get resolved.

We got to talk about it.

I just like, you know, you get to a certain age where he's fascinating.

And I would love for you to interview.

We're sober guys.

Yeah.

And I can't, I, you know, like, maybe we have a problem.

So I don't know.

And all I can do is blame myself.

And, and, yeah, but I don't, like, it's just weird in this business.

And I've lost like friends sometimes.

It's weird when you lose friends as an adult for a reason.

Oh, when you, sometimes when you choose not to be friends with people.

Well, yeah.

That's like fascinating.

If you're not the one who's choosing, it's a little much.

You know what I mean?

I had a guy in LA.

He was just sort of like, he thought that something was going on that wasn't.

And he was like, you're out.

Oh, I don't know if I can handle it.

And I was like, what?

What?

I'm so

like, hold on.

Like, he just like shut me the fuck out.

And I love the guy.

And,

you know, and I tried.

I'm like, dude, could we just talk about what's going on?

He fucking ghosted me.

I watched my mom go through that.

It's the fucking worst.

And then I finally saw him at a party, you know, and this was, you know, a year or more after whatever the hell happened in his head.

And I just took him outside.

Oh, you want to talk about it?

And he's like,

he's telling me you did this and that.

I'm like, that is all in your head, dude it's not real did you get the did you get i'm almost crying yeah

don't dude i'm like i didn't do that did you have the moment where he was like uh like the real

because he's like that and he knew but the problem is it's like the damage has been done so you couldn't even even if he realized he made a mistake Well, he didn't say that.

He was like, really?

Oh, you know, and I could, it landed.

And after that, like, we've hung out, you know, we see each other.

So I'm on a plane with Moz, you know, coming back from a gig and we at the store now and we're good but it does feel like you know one of us has to go like do you want to you want to go eat or something yeah

you know and i'm still like i don't know man

could be the guy to do it i think when you're young you're so like um you're just like collecting friends and you go i got a new friend and then i got this person you're one of those guys maybe i had one and i held on to him until i exhausted

and then he moved on well mine mine comes from the gaping hole scariest guy

mine came from the gaping hole of my father abandoning me so i was just like stuff stuff it in there.

Stuff it in there.

And I was like, oh, you're a friend.

Yeah, yeah.

Get in there.

Come on, what are we doing, guys?

It's got a bunch of friends and a giant hole in my chest.

And I go, this works.

I go,

doesn't feel right.

Just pull them all out.

But

mine's more like a drain with some suction.

Occasionally I get like, a guy.

It's like a suppository.

You just put it in your butts.

And then he's like, wait a minute, this isn't good for me.

I don't like this.

You're making me feel bad about myself.

I'm going to stop you from bleeding all the time.

I'm not here to fill your holes.

I used to do a joke about that.

It was like, you only need people who say they have a lot of friends are full of shit.

You only need two.

You need the main guy and the guy you go to when you drain the main guy.

Hey, dude, I'm having a problem.

Are you tired?

I'll call the other guy.

I'll call the other guy.

Backup tank.

I need a backup tank.

I've had that recently where one of my friends has called me and I've been like, I'm not in the place right now that we can, I just can't help you right now.

Yeah.

All right.

They just call.

And I think they call the backup guy.

And you're like, oh, it's just like sometimes like people are in trouble and you have to have some kind of boundaries.

I mean, you can be helpful.

But, you know, in this racket, you know, guys like, you know, tumble down the hole, dude.

And

you've only got so much rope.

But that was kind of the question that I was going to ask you is, is that you've been in comedy for so long that now there's people that you were close to that are talked about with this like King Arthur like thing where you go, well, he's actually a real guy.

And, you know, like you knew that one story about you and Kinnison doing Coke.

He was a big guy.

Yeah.

He was a big guy, but that whole thing of like, you know, you had to go drive and get it.

And then you're just doing Coke at this guy's house.

Yeah, and then Sam passes out.

Yeah, and just Sam passes out.

I'm like, I got to go.

And he's like, don't leave him here.

I don't want to pull a Belushi on me.

The drug dealer, I didn't know.

That was one of the first times I ever hung out with him.

But that was different.

What I learned from that experience when I was a door guy at the store is like, you don't want to be part of an honourable.

Don't ever be part of an honourage.

If you can help it, just don't do it.

Don't get on the bus.

But it's different now because a lot of guys are touring with guys at their level and you know and it's a big opportunity for everybody but at that time you can't get out of that orbit so that's what it was so you get on did you so when you became i never got fully in so you never got fully in no because i was always a bit of a dick and i push his buttons but like the guys who were fully did you ever have a moment where sam kinnison's like yelling at you insincere absolutely and you're going like this it's funny yeah you're like in your head

i knew right where right where he'd break yeah and like it's just because like i have enough fuck you and me and enough pride to not get on someone else's train.

I just won't even do it.

It's fucked up.

It's a weird thing.

It is a weird thing.

But I remember because I'm a spiteful, insecure little fuck.

I mean, you know, and first off, you're not in this, you're not doing this business unless you are insecure.

But even like, even when the oddball festivals were going on.

I remember those.

I was on a few of them.

Furious.

What?

I was furious.

That's what?

They weren't even putting me at the very bottom.

I would have done the very bottom of it.

Yeah, I did.

But I'm looking at names at the bottom of it.

It's not like you're making a lot of money, and it's not a great great thing to perform for 18,000.

I don't think your ego only eats vegetables.

Yeah, but

anything.

I guess, but like when you do those shows, listen to me, it's like, you know, I get offered stadiums all the time.

I mean, it's not my bag.

You know, give me

800 in a comfortable theater.

I'm good.

But you have to, for me, like I did the Dennis Leary thing.

That was a funny story.

Yeah, Comics Come Home in Boston.

That was funny.

Get Joe List on it.

We've been trying to get Joe List on it.

Joe's the best for like 11 years.

I love Joe.

He's one of my oldest, best friends in comedy great comic uh big fan i was i'm sorry i fucked up the schedule so we couldn't worry about the group show there yeah but uh oh but like uh

what was i gonna say the people that get into the entourages like they it doesn't the idea is it's gonna help you but all those guys that were cannosine adjacent i they didn't it didn't help them well because once the host dies then they all die that's the whole thing kind of but you're not your own ho you're not your own like i will that's what i was gonna tell you during oddball you know louis was like you know i got a private plane if you want to get on and i and i already had a southwest ticket on but i don't want i'm not going to get on your plane oh that's you that's you going like i'm not going to fly in your car let me

let me tell you right i already charged people anyway

i love that you're like no fuck that southwest i want to be at the first of the line i'm my own man

i got a three you know it's i respect the fuck out of that because i have such an opposite of like well you mean it oh no

I would love to.

Like, like Shane was like.

To me, it's always an attack.

No, Shane was like, yeah, we're flying private or whatever.

And I was like, oh, can I go?

Can I sit?

Can I go?

And he's like, what are you talking about?

And you know, it's funny because it's a different reaction.

Because when you have your reaction of like, fuck you, I'm not flying in your cock, people are like, all right.

All right, but then mine.

They're lunch on the plane.

Mine, they're almost.

Mine, they're almost like,

what's wrong with you?

Of course.

I go like, this is the best.

And I go, you got to treat yourself nicer.

Yeah, I think that's that's something I don't quite realize is that you can just have a nice time.

You could just enjoy shit.

I've been trying to do that.

You know, you said something in your special about,

oh, but all this pain is what makes me great.

This is like, I don't want to heal that.

Yeah, yeah.

This panic and this anxiety.

It's exhausting.

But it is exhausting.

And I'm like, now I'm in my 40s, but I'm getting to this point where I'm like, I'm exhausted being anxious about everyone being mad at me just because I brought up a point and I don't even know if they're mad at me.

I like, I'll walk the dog.

And I'll I'll just make up fights.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll just make up a fight in my head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, I say this.

Yeah.

And I'll come around and I'll fucking do this.

And then I get home and then Katie goes, why are you being a prick?

And I go, well, geez, what are you on his side?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's like, what are you talking about?

You left in some ways.

I thought you were in the loop.

I guess it was just in my head.

Yeah.

Oh, because I'm like, you know what?

If you see me in New York City and I'm walking my dog, you will probably see me in a fake argument as I'm picking up the dog's shit.

As I'm going like this, I'm picking it up at the bus.

I'm going, yeah, you fucking.

Yeah, you're going to go.

Yeah, you sold 800 tickets there that's why i didn't move back here yeah because i was gonna move back like i i had it in my head like that'd be fun place to retire i'll do all the new york stuff it's great to get old in new york i didn't do that when i lived here for my half my life so but i was i was in the middle of like buying an apartment in new york really yeah and then i had this i came to you know do some

you know and this is like setting aside the fact that when i'm here i'm good for about a week max and i'm done you know i don't really even go the cellar that much i don't don't do a lot of comedy here for whatever reason.

I think it's there's somehow there, it's like where the trauma happened.

That's so funny.

You don't want to go back into the bedroom where you got fucked.

Exactly.

You're like, I'm not going back there, dude.

I'm not, I got butt fucked on that bed.

I'm not going back there.

That's exactly it.

There's Esty wearing a strap on.

Yeah, she goes, Come in here later.

Now you're not going to be able to have intimacy with a woman

because I'm going to butt fuck you.

But,

but

I've done a few spots.

One time,

one time like cuz I I did my New York chops.

Yeah, you know and like I fucking this this is the first time I saw you and I didn't know you but I didn't like you.

Yeah, and it's fine.

It's fine.

Was that the village underground?

Yeah, dude.

I remember you told me buried me.

Oh, I just remember doing I think I told you this you came down the stairs and I was just like waiting and I just had my head in my hands talking to Liz the manager or whatever and I had my hands and I was just like this and Liz was like hi Mark like that and I didn't know you I knew obviously I'm a fan of yours.

And I was like, and I went, hey, like that.

And then you walked by me and I went, what did I do?

I did the LA hello.

I did the like.

I don't even know what I've never seen that hello anywhere.

But I was just, in LA, I've seen people go like, like that, like that very, like, I'm being sincere.

But I was like holding my face.

And then I was like, oh, hey.

And you walked by.

And then afterwards, you're like, it's fucking.

I was like, this guy hates me.

It's all because that.

No, it had nothing to do with that.

It's just that, like, I, I, that was the first time I'd done that room.

Yeah.

And for me, the seller, you know, I think, I really do think that I am traumatized by what I went through there.

I mean, also, when you were there, it was ruthless.

It's not an easy room.

And people were ruthless

in the 90s.

So I'd go down the underground and

you just fucking kill.

And I go up there.

And like, it was the first time in a long time where, you know, where you feel that weird

back of your neck sweat?

Yes.

Where, you know, the inside of you knows you're going down.

My thought is always to go and like, I think they want me to bring Greer Barnes back up.

So like I'm following Greer and I go, Do you guys want me to go grab Greer?

I think he's still in the building.

I just knew that I just didn't have my New York game on, sure, and you were like in it.

Yeah, and that's also, I'm very comfortable there.

That's right.

That's like I'm there twice a week.

Yeah, and I'm like, they're like, Sauter, can you go up at the VAU?

And you're like, damn, whatever.

I know the band.

I'm like, what are you queers up there?

You can do whatever you want.

So, yeah, but I was just mad.

I'm like, who the fuck Jake?

Yeah, I get that.

He was funny, you know?

And then you go, fuck him.

I don't fuck it like that.

You got over that, though.

But I, I mean, I know.

But anyway, so, so I'm in the middle of buying this apartment.

Sure.

And this is why it's in relation to what you were saying, where

I came for a few days, you know, and I had gone to Whole Foods, you know, to get, you know, just a snack or something.

I went to the coffee place there.

I got a coffee and I wanted an extra cup.

Sure.

And they're like, it's going to be a dollar for the cup.

And I fucking lost my mind.

I'm like, what the fuck?

Like, I know, I just like went into this, this rage.

Yeah.

And then I realized, like, you can't move here because you're going to be one of those guys who's just walking down the street with a, you know, like two Dwayne Reed bags and a strand book bag.

He's going to be sweating.

Yeah, exactly.

Wearing a parka in the summer talking to himself.

I mean, that was it.

I'm walking the dog and I'm going like, oh, I ain't fucking selling up tickets, huh?

Well, maybe you should fucking be a little fucking cunt and fucking

dude.

The one, my favorite joke about this, Joe DeRosa had a hilarious joke about going, he was on a road trip and he had to piss and he went into this gas station and he had to use the bathroom.

He goes, how much do you use the bathroom?

And the guy's like, what?

And Joe goes, how much?

What do I got to buy?

And Joe goes, in that moment, I realized, oh, it's me.

And not every city is a fucking capitalist butt fuck where you have to pay an extra dollar for a cup.

Where they don't want someone bathing in the bathroom.

Yeah.

And Joe's like, oh, it's just a bathroom.

You just go and use it.

But New York will fuck your brain up where you're like, I got to buy a fucking muffin.

But after a certain point, you understand why they don't just let the people come in the bathroom.

They're going to take a dope in the sink.

But that's like, I'm 62.

I'm dressed.

I'm clean.

Yeah.

And

I got to pee.

And they're like, I can't let you use the bathroom.

I'm like, I'm old.

Please.

I swimming.

Can you give me pee?

If you don't do this, I'm going to do this on myself.

Exactly.

It's not going to be good.

You want that on your conscience?

Oh, man.

I don't know if I ever, did I tell you a story about Louis Katz when he was looking at moving into Europe?

I love it, Louie.

Yeah.

And then he went, I'm going to come to Astoria because I was living in Astoria.

And I might have told this on what the fuck when I did your podcast, but Louis comes to Astoria and he goes, hey, let's get lunch or something.

I want to see the neighborhood.

And I was poor.

I mean, I was very poor, just waiting tables and shit.

And Louis gets off the subway at 30th Avenue and I meet him.

And he goes,

he's like, you know, going to walk up to your apartment.

He goes, let's get some food.

What's around here?

And I go, there's a subway right over there.

And Louis goes, You are fucking white trash.

And he's like, we're in a store.

By the way, I lived in Astoria for 17 years.

There was like so many restaurants I could have taken him them to.

But at that moment, I was just so bored that I was like, Subway.

And he's like, you fucking idiot.

Where's 38th?

That the one before Dittmars?

Astoria Boulevard is the one before Ditmars.

Okay.

It goes down.

So it goes Astoria Boulevard, 23rd Avenue, or 24th Avenue, 23rd Avenue, Ditmars is the final stop.

Oh, okay.

So it goes down.

So you were 38th.

So you were this?

I was in between Astoria Boulevard and 30th Avenue.

Oh, okay.

I was under the, you know, Teton Food, the Greek grocery store.

I love that place.

I was right across the street.

90 different kinds of feta.

Dude, you walk in and you're like, how many kinds of olives are there?

It was, it was one of those stuff in this jar.

I got to move there and watch it transform from a primarily Greek neighborhood to like, oh, this is where the affordable part of New York is.

It was always kind of like that, but they seem to keep a hold on it.

They lost it.

They lost the slip, and it was like actors, comedians.

It was just like a lot of like...

And then you started seeing like the

luxury buildings go up and you're like, oh, really?

That stuff is in Astoria?

Yeah.

But they do it in like it's like jagged teeth.

Yeah, because it's all the row homes, but then someone will sell their row home and a developmental will come in and they'll do like five apartments tall, but they're only one landing.

Oh, yeah, it's weird.

They look so weird.

It just looks weird.

It just looks like jagged teeth.

Place

Cocleides, still there.

It's the best.

Well, they opened one down here.

It's the best.

Greek seafood.

Yeah, Cocleides and then Taverna.

Yeah.

There's like a couple Taverna's, but BZ Grill was the one that Stavros Stavros was like, oh, you've ever been to BZ Grill?

And that's when you listen to a Greek person.

Because I went with him, he spoke Greek, and they were like, oh my God, they brought out all this stuff.

They're like, try this lamb.

We've never let anyone eat this lamb before.

And I was like, this is the best.

And then I went a week later and they're like, what?

Back to that Greek racism.

They're like, what the fuck do you want?

You don't even have that lamb.

Can I have a Euro?

And I'm like,

all right, fuck you guys.

Mark, thank you so much for coming by.

The HBO special is out now on HBO Max because it's going to come out next Tuesday.

Yeah.

So it's watch it.

It's fucking hilarious.

I loved it.

Thanks for watching.

It's a real special.

Real hour 10-minute special.

My God, dude.

Did the full job.

Old school job.

When I watched it, I went, all right.

Hour 10.

Well, it fucking did his work.

Exactly.

But it, you know, it's like something, it's great to watch a comic who's done it for a while because of the smoothness.

I always appreciate it.

It's a lot of shit in there.

It was great, man.

Pretty shit that really fucking done.

I'm happy to watch it.

Thanks.

Mark Marin, true legend.

Thanks for coming by, David.

You bet, buddy and um thanks for making podcasting i happy to help out

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