91: Drunk at work with Kerryn Feehan | Soder Podcast | EP 89

31st, my first time ever to Portland, Maine.

I'm going to be at the Empire Comedy Club July 31st, August 1st, and August 2nd.

Phoenix, Arizona, September 5th and 6th.

Los Angeles, September 25th, the United Theater.

Wilmington, North Carolina.

I haven't been back to Dead Crow Comedy Club in years.

There's been some storms.

There's been some floods.

There's a new location.

Well, guess what, baby?

In August, I will see you, wilmington at the dead crow comedy club i'm going to be there august 14th 15th and 16th five shows dead crow comedy club what a great club i'm very excited to come back danceler.com for tickets how else can i entice you you don't want to see me with my shirt off that's gross how about just a good show how about i promise you a good show i'll see you at the dead crow

Because she did, it took her a long time to get into the toys.

She would rip them all apart.

Okay.

She'd just rip them apart and we'd be like, you can't give them.

How old's Mabel?

She'll be four July 10th.

Allegedly.

Allegedly.

It's fun.

Dog birthdays are funny because it really is like, we're making this up.

100%.

We weren't there to sign a fucking certificate.

2.25 p.m.

You beat her.

Mabel and her 15 brothers entered the earth.

She was number 12 out of 15 and she came into the world with a roar.

She beat her cases.

Yeah, we're good.

I freaking lost the remote to her e-caller this morning, like when I was out on a walk.

I mean, she's still like caller-wise in the sense that she's like cums when I say come.

Sure.

But I just ordered another one, and the whole thing cost me $300.

And just the remote is $160.

I'm like, so I had to click on it.

Wait, so half of it's just the remote?

Yeah.

And it shocks them?

I mean, or just gives them like a hay.

I've shocked her a total of four times.

And like I worked with Justin.

I went to like training sessions.

So I wasn't just like, oh, I mean, it's crazy how many dog owners probably just slap it on and then they go like.

Including my own mother.

Really?

Yes.

She has a pit bull.

She's like, I just grabbed the remote sometimes and then he's quiet.

I'm like, you did this wrong.

What a Boston mom.

So Boston.

She's like, he's fucking backing.

I'm zapping.

You back, you zap.

Back zap.

The new collar from Karen's mom.

Did I say no backing?

And did I say no backing?

It's just a fucking faulty wire we hooked to your dog's neck.

I texted Andrew Russell from WME.

She's the only agent I know.

When Karen Reed got like the script or whatever, the bio pic, like she's selling her rights to the story.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, so anyone, I think people outside of Massachusetts aren't as aware.

Into it as we are.

I'm just

all over it.

Yeah.

It is

your guys's.

Super Bowl.

It is crazy.

So for women, true crime is the NFL.

Yeah.

Like true crime is.

It's a good story, too.

It's just like, there's so much.

Up or down, Fatso.

Get up here.

Byrdo.

Yeah.

Get in here.

Get in my nook.

Get in my nook.

But it is, so the Karen Reed case was

a woman's husband who was a cop.

Boyfriend,

boyfriend, cop.

He's a pervert then.

Wound up dead at another cop's house.

Right.

She was drunk.

They were partying.

They were fighting.

Yeah.

And then they tried to blame her.

Yeah.

And like, listen, she might have done it, but they did so much shady shit that it's like

the defense just killed them.

Yeah, two phones are thrown away.

They got rid of the dog that was there because he had dog scratches on his body.

How did they get rid of the dog?

All of a sudden they didn't have the dog.

They were like, what happened to the dog?

They were like, we don't know.

She went away.

Is this, is it like Katie and her mom, it would just take up their whole phone conversation.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So that like women in Massachusetts are like, we finally got our case.

Yes.

We love this shit.

They love Karen Reed.

And it's also like, my mom.

She's hot.

So that makes it.

she's an attractive woman, which makes any sort of crime better.

Do they hate me because I drive Alexis and I'm a lecturer at Frankfurt Barkley Business School?

Do you know the

rumor that she had resting bitch face?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so they gave her like,

I don't know if it was that they that she stopped getting.

Botox.

Botox, but to like make her look a little nicer, a little softer.

Softer.

And then she away with it.

And that's why every, I think, obviously that's like just, that's like one of those things where after the case happens, you go, she got away with it because fucking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why my dad was super into OJ is because he was from San Francisco.

And O.J.

is like a San Francisco guy and then like to L.A.

So people are like, when crimes are by where you're from,

you're just automatically into it.

Oh, yeah, my mom.

Columbine was like...

Your thing.

Oh, well, the Aurora mall shooting was like...

Oh, that's your baby.

I was getting calls when it happened.

People were like, none of your family were there.

And I'm also into Batman.

So people were like, none of your friends were there.

And you're like, no, thank God.

Thank God.

Stopped going to that mall years ago.

I'm cool now.

Yeah.

Ever since they opened Park Meadows, we stopped going to the Aurora Mall.

But, yeah, that Massachusetts story, it was.

Yeah.

My mom hates Canton too, like the town.

She's like, fucking Canton trash.

I hate those fucking coppas.

You guys hate each other.

They hate each other.

Like South Shore hates North Shore.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then...

Like, I'm sure North Shore says South Shore is trash, but

North Shore is trash.

All Boston calls each other trash.

Yeah.

And then you don't let the black people live anywhere except one.

Where is it?

Lynn.

Lit.

Dorchester.

Dorchester is what it is.

That's where my dad goes.

Dorchester.

The dot.

They go fucking, oh, yeah, all the blacks are in Dorchester.

They're in the dot.

In Roxbury, too.

Lynn is, that's where List is from, right?

But no, he's from Whitman.

Whitman.

You guys have all these towns.

I didn't know about towns.

I love you.

I love you.

Look at her tail.

I love you.

I didn't know about towns until I went to the east coast.

There's so many.

Everything's spread out in the west coast.

So you just have cities.

So you're like, oh, Denver and Aurora and then far away, like not as Boulder, but those now it's like Long Island.

It's all on top of each other.

Massachusetts, it's close.

You're like, fuck Canton.

I don't like Lynn and fucking and Maori and fucking Trobelville.

And there's like all these fucking places.

You're like, how can you even keep track of all that shit?

But yeah, I think that movie, it's going to be one of those Netflix docs docs in a year.

Yeah.

I bet they're already making it.

Yeah.

Well, they made a couple, like 60 minutes, did a thing.

Date line.

Dateline.

Right, right, right.

Because they did a special date line about it after the verdict came in.

Yeah.

So I think that this is going to be a good one.

Oh, man.

And

I texted him.

I was like, just let me know if anything pops.

Any of the little characters.

I'll take a Jen McCabe.

So fun.

You go, you know, like all the secondary or thirdary.

You're like, you know, Karen got cast to play the the cop, the bartender that served the cop the drinks.

And you know, I'd be bragging about it.

Oh, yeah.

Day one.

I was like, fuck yeah.

On set, motherfucker.

Wiggin retired.

I'm fucking the role I was born to play.

I tried to get on that.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone are doing a movie about a

slave reenactment place.

And with, it's going to be funny.

They're like, I think they're already filmed it, but I tried to get in on that.

It's funny when you ask for stuff.

You're like, can I please get out on this?

Yes, can I please be on the show?

Buy me on the show.

Buy me in this movie.

Hey, Myrtle.

She's good.

I know.

But she knows.

See,

we are alpha.

She knows.

I had a podcast guest this morning that my dog peed in front of so fast, so immediately.

What does that mean?

Just like she was like, you are alpha.

She like bowed to them.

Did you see the clip of

the it's been it's been going around on the internet of the dogs at the I think they're in like a kennel when the alpha dog walks up oh king king the king The king.

Yes.

And the king Corso goes like, yes, okay, sir.

King George.

Yeah.

And he walks over.

He's like, a chuffy white dog who, like, you would never think.

He looks like a Disney dog.

He looks like white Murdoch, but mean.

Yeah, but then he walks over and he puts the fucking paw on the other dog.

Yes, he's like, silence.

It's crazy.

You want to talk about Aura?

That fucking dog is just like, shut the fuck up.

I know.

He's like, not now.

Stop.

Yeah,

he'll be like dealing with one dog and with his other paw.

He'll be like, not now, Derek.

And they go like, and then Drew Shippet's like, yeah, you're right.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so fucking sorry.

But I'm glad Mabel's out of her legal battles.

Yeah, no, we're good.

We're golden.

Did you ever see that woman?

No.

Actually, once, but I didn't even have Mabel in the park.

So to clarify, a little context.

Karen's dog's a badass and got into it with another dog.

And the owner tried to sue Karen because

the dog

might or might not have lost an eye.

And then now it's over.

So we don't have any worries.

No proof, no evidence, nothing, no hard facts, no witnesses.

But you have an enemy now.

Oh, yeah.

You have a full-on.

Well, there, yeah, there's a one-eyed pug named Pierre out there looking for me once.

Already living a more miserable life.

Yeah, yeah, motherfucking Mabel.

Mabel took my fucking eye.

She's good now, though.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate that bitch.

I hate my life.

Yeah.

Dude, I'm always worried about...

Like, I get so bitchy white lady when other dogs even snip at myrtle yeah i'll be like you they don't need to do that sometimes i'll like put my hand down like no but there is an epidemic of

especially in this building young white women with dogs yeah who don't look up from their phone their phones and they have their earbuds in so you're walking around deaf and blind with a live thing attached to a string with teeth yes we get on you know we have like four elevators yeah

there will be it's a lot of floors right we'll be on myrtle and I will be going downstairs to go for a walk, and the door will open, and it'll be a white girl with a big golden retriever

looking at her phone, getting on the elevator, not looking up.

I just don't know how they've lived so long without having experienced anything to teach them a lesson that would make them stop behaving like that.

Well, and everyone called that guy that was punching women on their phones a villain.

But in reality, he was a lesson teacher.

A teacher.

No, that was fucked up.

A professor.

It's so funny when you read a story like that.

When you read it, where you go, oh, that's fucked up, or you go, but.

Did she have her earbuds in?

There was a lesson to be learned.

Eyes up.

Head on a swivel.

That's all I asked.

You live in New York City.

Stay aware.

I don't do headphones anymore because of the EMFs, you know, and because I keep losing them.

Yeah.

So I'm like locked in.

I'm hearing, you're hearing, you're seeing.

We're locked in together.

I'll do headphones in, nothing on them.

That's a serial killer move.

Test me.

I'm waiting for you.

Creep up on me.

Goodbye.

And then I could talk to myself and people just think of having a phone conversation.

Yes.

It really is.

It's a double-layered thing.

But that problem of like watching, there's been times where like Myrtle's very good on the elevator.

I tell her, corner, and she sits in the corner of the elevator and she doesn't bother anybody.

She's like, don't look over here.

I'm not looking over there.

I'll just look here.

This is my dance space.

This is your dance space.

Exactly.

Sometimes she'll bang her head against my leg on the elevator down.

She's retarded and adorable.

But these women, it'll just open and these women will just come on there and their dog dog will go right from mine and have to be like, hey, I know.

And then I feel like

you're the Karen.

I know.

I feel like a dork.

I know.

But I do it.

So Mabel's big.

And a lot of people, they're little dogs.

And these little dogs are little freaking like yippers, yappers.

And again, like men.

Mabel.

It's the little ones you got to worry about.

You got to.

Big ones are sweet and soft.

Big ones are big, sweet, soft, dumb, direct.

It's the little ones.

Squirrely little f ⁇ ers.

Squirrely little motherfuckers.

But they'll go and they'll like try to, and Mabel's big.

So if Mabel returns fire, your dog's dying.

You're losing an eye.

That's something.

I listen.

That's how we got there.

And I've got.

Maybe that pug was doing some fucking questionable shit.

Guess what?

Dogs are the worst, dude.

Myrtle got your grape eye.

She's having a fucking purple grape.

Fucking kicked that thing right off there.

You need both those things?

I don't think so.

Give me one.

I have been...

Eye for an eye?

Yeah.

My grandma's dog.

I was talking to Katie about this the other day.

Myrtle's out here going, if you talk about dogs.

It's time for me to comment.

My grandma's dog, Buddy.

My uncle's dog was Buddy.

Yeah, old people love calling their, because I think they get so old that they're just like, buddy.

What noun do I already know?

Oh, you're my buddy.

She had a dog after buddy that was named Teddy.

Yeah.

And this was at the end of her life.

And she would just call him Buddy.

And I wouldn't correct her.

Yeah.

She thinks it's buddy.

She doesn't know.

But Buddy went blind and deaf.

Myrtle.

Girl, this isn't Girls Gone Wild.

Get a t-shirt before you tongue-kiss Karen.

Myrtle's a lesbian.

Oh, hell yeah.

Heavy dyke vibes.

Pride months over.

Yeah.

She's

queer.

Why aren't you a woman with a baby and a husband?

I'll look at her go away.

She's like, fuck you.

I love the WNBA.

And I

unapologetically like Caitlin Clark.

And I eat pussy.

I eat pussy from the back

like a real woman.

I'm gay as fuck.

But fuck, what were we talking about?

Grandmother, Buddy.

Oh, dude.

Blind and deaf.

Yeah.

Buddy was like, the closest I've ever came.

There was a moment.

where my grandma like went to bed and buddy just like wandering the house.

Oh, you?

And there was a moment where I was like, do I kill this dog?

And not from an evil

completely from a humanitarian, like, this dog is blind and deaf.

It just walks everywhere and then it'll just stop and then just piss.

But it's just like so old, it'll just piss like on its legs.

It's like,

yeah.

And you're like, all I'd have to do.

Right.

It was the craziest.

It was the closest I've ever came to being like,

yeah.

I might do it.

Remember in, I think, Pet, there was Pet Cemetery 2 or something when she kills the sister that lives downstairs?

That's Pet Cemetery 1.

Cemetery 1.

Yeah, where she's up.

She gives her one scoop of oatmeal and the lights out.

Oh, she eats the pea soup.

Oh, maybe it's the pea soup or whatever.

Fucking sit.

Dude, that sister.

That's it.

Whatever she was.

She's not a man.

But that was it.

Yeah, it was a male actor.

Fascinating.

That makes sense.

But she had the spina bifida.

Yeah, and she was all crooked.

And they just left her downstairs to die.

And they were like, don't feed her because she'll choke and die.

Don't go upstairs and feed your sister.

Yeah.

And then she was like,

oh, that scene?

That scene's crazy.

That stuck in my head forever.

But yeah,

there was a guy in my building.

His cocker spaniel was 20 years old this thing is covered in tumors he's just dragging it around by the leash it's bleeding everywhere and i would hear him have these conversations like she was a naughty girl today she peed inside i'm like you have a dead dog sir

She is 140 years old.

Let her go.

She's 140 years old.

Let her go.

Let her fucking die.

Dude, when Buddy died, my grandma was like, yeah, the vet made me put down Buddy.

And you're like,

that's what I needed.

I needed medical interference.

Because my grandma was lonely.

She was just an old woman.

So I got it.

So immediately we had to get her another dog.

But it was like

it would touch you.

And it would be like, it was the same feeling when you're in a lake and something swims up on your leg.

And I love dogs.

But buddy would touch me and I'd be like, you, the fuck.

And he'd be like,

you've crossed over to the other side already.

Fucking

gabby.

And that's why she, I just remember clear as day her going upstairs at like 7 p.m.

I went outside and smoked a joint and then I was like, buddy might die tonight.

Like, I really had that.

Like, do I have to do that?

Give it buddy a bass.

Yeah.

All right.

Say goodbye to buddy.

She goes, you mean goodnight?

No, goodbye.

Say goodbye forever.

I'm going to send him up to see Calvin, your old dog.

But it's, I mean, old dogs to me are.

I remember one time selling merch for Bobby Kelly, and I didn't have cash on me.

And they were like, I got a credit card.

And I was like, I don't know.

You could go over to that ATM machine and pull 40 bucks to get this.

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I feel like that's what's wrong with humanity is we became pussies.

Yeah.

Like back in the 30s, if you were a farmer and your dog was old, you're just like, Well, we gotta go kill him, we'll go get you a new one, get you a new puppy, yeah, and they're just like, and then they just come in and have fun with it.

It's not really a livestock guardian.

If it's not alive, now it's yeah, but now we're just like, but it's my friend,

it's so selfish and weird.

I don't find it humane, I think it's the opposite of humane.

It's so beyond selfish.

It's like, I need this warm body sort of still near me, and so I can remember the old dog.

And it's like, no, let it go.

That's the best part of us.

Like, I wish we did it to humans.

Yeah.

I was talking about this this morning.

See, I would have done it on my grandma.

Shoot me up with morphine and a little heart stopper when I'm ready.

Peace.

My fuck out.

The second we know that we're closing down shop.

Yeah.

Throw a party.

Yeah, yeah.

Pump.

Pump whatever you want to me.

That I can just enjoy the last moments of

I want like an IV drip with morphine.

I'm going to start drinking again.

I'm I'm going to start smoking cigarettes.

Almost immediately.

Totally.

I'll get drunk and start telling secrets.

All right.

You know, that's what I want to talk about.

I can't wait to talk about you.

I just want to be old to grab someone's arm and tell them a secret.

Yeah.

With your claw.

Hey, kid and die.

And they go, oh, they go, Mr.

Soda, you're on too much of the IV drip.

I watched the man die.

And like, oh.

Yeah, that's why it's always my friends with kids where they're like, who's going to take care of you?

And you go, the same Jamaican nurses that are taking care of you.

Same.

The exact same.

The same sweet women.

Same sweet.

Send me off into the...

Soldiers, dude.

Yeah.

My grandma, those nurses I met at my grandma's places, those women are fucking soldiers.

The way that they talk to these people.

Yeah.

And they're just like, yeah, I got to get my job done.

And they're like, ah!

And they're like, okay, Mr.

Reginald.

They just put his hand over it.

He's like, ah!

And then they just go home.

They probably deal with so much racism that they just ignore, too, because old people don't even realize.

Especially the generation that's dying.

Yeah, yeah.

Especially the generation that dying.

Call them

colors.

They're like, I don't trust you.

You go, why don't you trust me?

I don't trust you.

I don't know what it is.

You took my medals.

And they go, okay.

But I think it's got to be kind of fun if you're like a young black dude and there's all these old people and they're mentally deteriorated.

Oh, right.

You get to just squat.

You honky.

Yo, what are you going to do?

Tell them that I poked you?

I fuck white women.

Just saying all that stuff.

Y'all took rock and roll from us.

Just like freaking out old people as they die.

I'm going to tell you right now, I'm going to show you my phone.

And they're like, oh, what's the dancing?

Yeah, dude.

We're getting too old.

We're getting too good at keeping old people alive.

And dogs.

It's kind of like, if you're going to be like old and in shape, that's one thing.

Like, do your thing but it's too many like old people that are on all the pills and all the surgeries and all the shit that's like yeah we're keeping them together for what reason for what like like I'm gonna put a bunch of pins in you and then you can be on oxy and constipated for the rest of your days that sound good someone the billion dollar idea an opiate where you can poop that's all we need that's all I need and then

we'll have flying spaceships we'll have everything right like if you can somehow make opiates.

Just combine.

Put a little freaking.

Regularity.

Yeah.

How do you do it?

A slip and slide set poop

pain pill.

You take one pill and you take the other.

Like the oxy and then the diarrhea pill.

Nice poop.

Yeah.

And then you're like,

because that's how I knew this country had a huge opiate problem.

Because they were fighting through the constipation.

All the commercials were like, are you on opiates and can't relieve yourself?

And you're like, oh, you guys are just straight up doing the commercial for the.

You don't even try to take care of the problem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You guys can't poop.

Well, here we go.

We got something for you.

Dude, I have, there's a guy in Florida.

Do you ever go to the smoking gun?

No.

Old school internet website.

I still go to it.

I love it.

You can find, if you don't want to, if you want to go on the internet and not deal with like politics or

fucking identity.

Obi addicts with concentrating.

No, dude.

The smoking gun is like straight up.

It used to be my favorite thing when I worked overnights at the radio station.

You just go on the smoking gun.

And it's like the police case with the reporting.

Dude, there was a guy in Florida got picked up for drug use.

And they had to give him a cavity search.

And the nurse that gave him a cavity search found a crack pipe of lighter.

and tin foil with cocaine in it all in his rectum.

Oh my God.

Do you know how much?

What a squirrel.

All in a row?

Yeah.

Like he like lined him up like he was like a little conveyor belt.

Choo-choo.

And he goes, it just finishes.

Here's the caboose.

It just pops out.

You got the cocaine.

Bloop, boop.

The lighter.

Like he's opening up his jacket.

He's like, these are my supplies.

One out of three.

Two out of three.

I forget who I was talking, but somebody like had such a bad constipation that they had to go have surgery and like unclog their butthole because they just would not stop.

with the with the opioids.

Oh, because they were such an opiate addict?

Yeah.

Dude, I got constipation.

One time, I'm done.

That's it.

Never again.

I love pooping.

Love it.

I had to drink a whole thing of Miralax.

Yeah.

But, dude, I took like, there was this,

because I talked about it on the bonfire.

And so these people are like, dude, there's a laxative that Joey Diaz is like, take this cocksucker.

Cocksucker, you'll feel like a million bucks.

The best shit of your life.

And I take a five-mile shit.

I took two of them.

I took two of them.

Yeah.

Did nothing.

Still have the fucking pills.

Did nothing.

Wouldn't touch it.

I did a suppository.

Upsy daisies.

By the way, it's in your dick, right?

Yeah, in my keyhole.

I've never done a suppository.

Yeah.

I didn't know your butt takes things in like a slurp and a noodle.

Yeah, where it goes like,

sucks.

Like, I put the pill in and it went like,

yeah, yeah.

I'm a pussy, so I'm familiar with this phenomenon.

Ladies with your inward suction.

We're all, boys are all out pushing.

So I didn't, that was my first time I felt my own inward sucking.

And it the first suppository worked.

Okay.

Like it went like, I pooped like this.

So

it wasn't like a good one.

It was just like,

and like some shit came out.

I told your mother.

But then I went up to comedy at the Carlson in Rochester.

And I didn't shit for like three days.

And then this on the Saturday, dude, I remember it was, it was like snowy and I was like in my hotel room and the sun was coming through and I was like, and I was like, please let me poop.

The sun was like filling me.

I was like,

please.

And I put a suppository in and nothing.

And I did the thing where I'm like on the toilet and you're like giving up and you're going like that.

Oh, it sucks.

It's so sad.

And then I finished the shows.

Yeah.

Flew home the next day, drank like two cups of Mirlax.

My body was like.

everything out.

Everything out.

Evacuate the dance floor.

It was the best.

It was like dumb and dumber.

Where you like make that noise.

You're like, oh.

She's like, splosh.

So much.

You're like, oh.

Like different consistencies, like five different poops in one.

Long snake, no breaks, machine gun, back to the snake.

It's like you're switching the shower head.

Drink the plate-doh, like the pasta.

Think, the buini.

You're just pushing it out now.

You're like, look, it's angel hair.

But dude, that made me, I never realized how much I liked pooping.

Oh, man.

I go through a week of constipation.

You should try Yay Day.

It's this supplement I take almost every night.

It has a lot of magnesium in it and then a shit ton of like probiotics and stuff.

I do it every night before bed and I shit like a dream in the morning.

I don't even need coffee.

I'm regular though.

I know.

I am pretty regular too, but this is like even more

thing.

Like you know it's all out.

You go, get the fuck out.

Get out of my house.

Get the fuck out of here.

Get out of my house.

I got to put steak in here.

I got to hide a crack pipe in fucking a lighter and tinfoil.

Also, let me.

I think I got the article up still.

You see this dude's face.

Wait, the guy who's asshole.

It is so funny because you're like, oh, yeah, you absolutely shove stuff up your butt.

Guys, when I date guys, I'm always trying to goose them and they hate it.

Oh, oh, yeah.

That guy.

I'm going to send you that.

He looks so cranky.

Yeah, all his stuff goes on.

After his being hospitalized for injuries, O'Neill pictured right, was booked into jail for cocaine possession.

And then,

yeah, dude, they found him.

A nurse discovered a glass crack, a glass crackpipe.

Dude, if that breaks in your butthole, you're fucked.

You are fucked.

You gotta go.

They're gonna have to, how do they even get in there?

Piece by piece, microscopic, drag it out.

Oh, he goes, I sat down too hard.

His face.

We were playing musical chairs, and I fucked up.

I popped.

I popped down on the city bus.

See,

a glass crackpipe, a lighter in tinfoil containing cocaine in his rectum.

Wow.

He really wanted to hide that.

Damn, but how good that high would have been?

You don't need to hide a lighter.

Yeah, right?

I didn't even think of that.

Just a bit?

So you wanted the lighter.

You liked it.

You were trying to make a dick.

He did the Coke and then the crackpipe.

He's like, well, why not?

He's like, I don't know how many pockets.

I need this.

I'm going to go.

He was just swimming.

This one's for me.

He goes, I'm going to spit on it because I'm on the opposite end.

Not Not the part that'll fuck with the flint.

It's like, on the bottom.

I'm a bad boy.

That is.

I'm a bad boy.

A glass.

She'll never find this.

I'm hiding it.

The nurse has to like sigh and go, is there anything else in there?

And he goes,

Yeah, you tell me.

I don't know.

Dude, I'm so glad that I'm not into a drug that makes me do that.

Yeah, that's really, you know, things have gone too far when you're doing things like that.

Because booze, we're both booze bags.

Yes.

And booze bags, you don't like, it gets bad, but you're not, like, hiding it up your butt.

You never hid like a...

Did you ever hide an airplane vodka in your pussy?

No, just in my purse.

Just put in my purse.

Yeah, there you go.

They're not going to

drink it fast and you go like, that's.

I'll hide it in my brain.

Yeah.

I'm hiding it in my tummy.

It's like an Arthur line.

I found it in my tummy.

You'll never find it.

I always was ashamed.

My shame was when people would catch me drinking when I was like, I'm just gonna go throw this away.

Yeah,

and they'd be like, Are you drinking?

Ah,

son of a bitch.

You caught me.

Or when they would, where I would say I was going somewhere and then I'd go to a bar by that place.

Right.

And then someone would walk by.

That's happened a couple times.

Okay.

I used to go to Triona's around the corner from the cellar.

Okay.

And that's where I would drink.

Yep.

And people would be like walking by.

And if it was like, I was friends with the bartenders and stuff.

So I'd be like,

By the door, drinking my beer.

And then they'd be like, didn't you say you were going to be?

You had another spot.

I thought you were.

like Lynn Coplitz lived on the neighborhood, and she'd like walk by.

She'd be like, What are you doing?

And you're like, You didn't see me

like with a shot glass.

I'd be like, Yeah, my thing, I always thought that I was hiding it well, like when I started my relapses or whatever.

But so I would just show up places wasted already.

I'd be like, I'm fine, yeah.

And then I would order like double vodka sprites in a pint glass.

I'm like, It's water.

They're like, You're a hammer, it's water.

Why are you listening to me?

Why do you need to kiss me so bad?

Excuse me?

Stop licking me.

Stop what you want.

You're obsessed with me.

You're obsessed with me.

God, you're obsessed with me.

Yeah, that drinking thing.

I used to say

yes

to shows when I was blackout.

And then forget about.

And then, like,

they'd be like, hey, where are you?

ECA.

It's that bar show in Benson Hurst.

You said that.

You said you'd come to Coney Island for $20.

Staten Island once.

Where they were like, are you still coming to my show in Staten Island?

And you go, when did I say yes to this show?

I should probably be on the ferry now if it's true.

And they're like, at cabin bar.

It was JF.

Oh, I used to get so handsome.

Jay Ferris was like, hey, come to my, and then a cabin.

I was like, yeah,

anybody would do anything.

And then I was like, oh, I got to get on a fucking boat.

I was so drunk.

I said yes to a boat gig.

That's not, they tricked you.

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But you used to go to Cabin.

Yeah, I loved Cabin.

I used to get absolutely hammered.

I would love to take a time machine.

Yeah, me too.

Go, like, meeting you now.

Right.

Go into cabin and like it,

like, a red arrow goes over everyone that had to quit drinking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Meeting you.

Like everyone that's a problem.

People who should.

Yeah.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

And then, like, dead.

Like all the people that died.

I would always look forward to Thursday nights, dude.

We would just get wasted.

It was so fun.

We were so packed in that room back there.

It was just a kill box.

It was very fun.

Very fun show.

And also I would always open Dos Caminos on Friday mornings.

Okay.

So I had to be on the

cafe.

I had to be on the cafe setting up by 10 a.m.

Oof.

And that sounds okay.

Now that I don't drink, very doable.

Yeah, but we were like getting things started at like two.

I would stay at Cape until about four o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I would get a fucking large dunkin with cream and sugar just to get you pooping it out the door.

I explain this to people all the time.

My vision was like this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every Friday morning after cabin.

Yeah.

We got it.

One time I went in.

If I've told this story on the podcast before, I'm sorry.

But this wasn't even cabin.

Giannis, my friend Zach and I were drinking at this club called CB's.

Do you remember CB's?

It was on Bleeker and McDougal.

It's the JG Mellon.

Downstairs?

Yes.

Yeah.

So we were drinking there, and then it closed, and we were drinking upstairs at the bar.

And we were like, it was late.

We were like, all right, let's get out of here.

And we walked to the train and

the jazz club that's on the corner across from Ben's Pizza, this limo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This limo was in front of it, and Prince got out.

Shut up.

And Prince walked into the jazz club.

And we were like, we have to go there.

Jonathan and Zach were like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

And so we were like, can we get in?

Because we didn't know if it was like super expensive or

we were all drunk.

Yes.

And we're like, can we get in?

The guy's like, yeah, absolutely.

It's one o'clock in the morning.

Okay.

Okay.

We go in there,

sit at the bar.

There was no seats.

We sat at the bar.

We drank until like four.

I went outside to smoke a cigarette, blackout.

And I'm talking to the bouncer and I go, we're just waiting for Prince to go up.

And he goes, man.

He left two and a half hours ago.

He came in and watched his drummer and then he left.

Yeah.

you guys like, Prince.

I was like, I was at the bar, like, if he does purple rain, I'll cry.

Crying.

I'm just going to cry.

I just please do darling Nikki.

And then I had to wake up and go.

And I was so hungover that the general manager, Lisa, of our restaurant, I was standing next to her and we were talking about something.

And she just goes,

You reek like whiskey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Something.

Go do something.

Something.

That's what happened when you're talking about it.

I want you to take it to the table.

At Sushi sushi Samba, like my Gina, my manager, would be like, you reek.

Yeah.

Because I'd be like, hey, Gina.

Drunk to a restaurant job.

Still drunk from the night before.

It's fun.

You're like, where's a better place to start drinking again?

Like, I would come back from breaks on doubles and be like, oh, oh, all the time.

I'd go, Jose, sesame chi!

Tasting menu.

Tasting menu.

Oh my god, these are, it's just corn masa, followed the plaque means a cookie yacht cheese.

And then just like sit back down.

And then they do tasting.

Sound like, let me get that.

Let me get that again.

Let me make sure that I know exactly what the Sauvignon Blanc tastes like that I've been serving for two years.

There was a giant

scandal.

Restaurant scandals are the best.

Yes, I know.

I did a couple.

Yeah.

Oh, dude, me and you, I'm surprised we never ate tables.

We would have been fast friends.

Yeah, we would have.

Because it was all about bringing chaos to this.

It really was.

Because we would just be like, who has Adderall?

Where'd you put the the sake bottle from the night before?

Boom, boom.

We're ready to rip.

So we would go, oh,

we're on a private event together.

Nice.

And we were...

in the heart of where we were in midtown.

So we were all the everyone thinks Wall Street's where all the investment benches.

No, it's like Capital Grill.

I used to work at Public House.

That's exactly it.

Capital Grill, fucking Dos Caminos at the time.

We were really popular on 50th and 3rd.

Yep.

And Public House was 41st between 3rd and Lex.

And it was.

You're getting Blackstone.

Dudes.

Bear Stern.

Dudes.

All these dudes.

finance guys yeah when they asked me when uh someone asked me one time in an interview when i was doing billions they're like how did you how did you do it oh i did like four and a half years of research waiting tables on all this

all these assholes assholes guys i would come so this oh you're a you're a hot girl so it was 12 of them problems 12 of them right so they're like each one of them and we would have like 20 beers on top and they would each of them order a different fucking pint

and i'd be like can you guys get a picture how about a picture how about a picture because all i'm thinking is carrying 12 separate fucking pine glasses and one time I'm doing it and this is a lunch and this fucking douchebag stands up to give a toast or whatever the fuck he was doing and backs right into me and they all did you 12 different beers all over me let me ask your waiting let me ask your waiting table technique one hand on one hand here yeah but when it starts to go It was always too late, man.

There was nothing I could do.

It's a domino effect.

Did you do this?

Do you do that?

I should have let it go on them, but I sacrificed myself like a little limb.

Waiters, if you're watching this let it go on them from two former we used to be in the show let it go drop it on them drop it on them the worst one i ever had the drop worst drop i ever had dos caminos when they would order guacamole they automatically get chips and salsa right okay so they get chips they get the salsa trio yes okay mild medium and spicy yeah and it was in this like

circular three circles right on this thing so you would have so if you had an 18 top you'd have to bring like so many six, right, three salsa trios.

So if you're, and you would always be working with another waiter and you'd be like, you get chips, I'll get salsa trios, we'll bang this out.

Yeah.

Dude, I had a corporate, like around Christmas, that was when we did our most because they would do Christmas parties at Dos Caminos at like 6 p.m.

Right.

After work, or we're going to have our Christmas dinner party.

Open bar, apps for this, blah, blah, blah.

And we're going to have to have apps and then we're going to do this.

So I would be like putting the salsas.

Dude, I fucking remember this.

It's giving, it's making my penis go into my body.

I had a tray of salsas and I put one down and I didn't notice I bent.

Yeah.

And as I bent, one of the salsa trios went down a woman's back of her neck into her expensive.

It was the verde.

It was the mild.

The chopped tomatillo verde went down her back and she went

like that.

And then I went like,

oh, fucking weird.

everywhere.

And just like cleaning up, apologizing.

And then you're like, do I touch this woman I just got salsa on?

And you got to send your manager over.

He's like, we'd love to take care of the.

And you're like standing behind your manager, like, oh, I'm renunciated.

Oh, I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

And the manager actually, we're sorry about Dan.

He's new.

And like, shit.

I'm fucking mad.

You suck, Ken.

You fucking suck.

You made the floor playing like ass.

Idiot.

It's your fault.

Fucking four table section.

And what am I fucking new?

And then it just like spilling it on someone and them being

mad for a legitimate reason.

Yeah.

Because you're like, I get it.

I get it.

I wouldn't want to walk around with salsa on my shoulder.

Oh, dude, I got that bitch down the back of her neck.

You're like, maybe if you have longer hair, man.

There's a lunch, too.

Oh, yeah.

That should have got to work.

Sticky.

Shouldn't have fucking salsa.

I had so many just like guys be douchebags at sushi sound, but one time it was four guys and they had all just gotten divorced and they were wasted.

Oh, that's fun energy.

They were fun.

This one guy hands me a scarf.

He goes, will you throw this in the middle of Park Avenue?

My wife got it for me.

And I was like, Maybe.

He's like, I'll give you $700.

I was out the door.

I was like, sure.

Gave me $700 just to throw the scarf.

They would just get drunk.

But then another guy would have bad things happening.

$700 to throw a scarf.

I know.

I just

went to the cooling that night.

So I had to split it.

I was like, this is bullshit.

Was it cash?

No, it was like a credit card tip.

He left me $700 on that.

That's why.

Yeah, no, if it was a good thing.

Dude, there was a drunk.

Dude,

I'll tell you the problem of being a male waiter in Midtown is you would watch the waitresses get opportunities like that.

There was this huge party.

I wasn't even working that night, but it was such a big thing that it spread where everyone was like, and it was my friend Sarah, who I just saw her and her husband, they came out to my show at Stanford Comedy at the New York Comedy Club.

I just saw them on like Friday.

Sarah and I forget, I think her friend Sass were waiting on this giant finance guy, and this guy was blackout.

Yeah.

He just kept handing them

hundreds, like $300, but he didn't do it like twice.

No.

He did it like, they each made like $1,400.

And we were all like,

what the fuck?

There was a guy that used to come in.

This was before the 08 collapse.

He used to come in in like 06, 07.

This is 07.

And we had this tequila, this this 1800 collection yeah and it was 250 dollars for like a glass a glass yeah neat yeah that's the only way like the the liquor rep was like only sell it neat yeah 250

this motherfucker would come in australian guy yeah

would get 1800 collection margaritas

and the girl that was bartending was like that's not really how you drink this tequila and he was like oh i don't care i drink it and he had three of them yeah and then would tip her $300, probably on that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

$750.

Yeah.

Well, I was.

She's making like fucking $200, $300 for one guy.

Yeah, I would just steal when I martended.

Yes.

Yes.

And like, I would just, I would create wonderful little mimes on the computer screen while not putting anything in the system and putting all the money in my sip jar.

I was like, it's so weird.

I'd be like, wow, Karen, it looks like you sold 12 beers, but they're not in the system.

You go, huh.

Huh.

That's crazy.

That's weird.

It must be a problem with the system.

Our chaos would be when we would have, we'd have like a, like a big company would buy the downstairs.

Yeah.

So they would close the entire Baja.

Like the main dining room was downstairs, but it would be completely closed.

And the managers would be prepping for it like it was war.

Right.

Like they'd be like, we need baskets of chips ready.

So your position.

You're going to be over here.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm past hors d'oeuvres.

When Chef Memo says to run them, you got to run.

But then what we would do is if you had a bartender on your side,

if it was like the rush was over, you'd be like, do you want a prickly pear margarita?

Of course, I don't know.

And you put like two frozen margaritas in.

And then we would take the big, the soda straws and you'd cut them in half so they were small.

Thick.

And then you just go like, like one gulp.

You're done.

You're good to go.

And then you'd be like, dude, we got.

So that I worked at Mo's Caribbean.

That was my first

Caribbean.

Waitressing job.

And I was what, like 19, 20, like not legal to drink, but we all got wasted all the time.

And it would be our, you would get two shift drinks.

And they'd be like, Karen, what do you want for your shift drink?

I'm like, double J Mo Ginger.

And they're like, you're going to be.

I'm like, I know exactly what I'm going to be.

The cocaine is on the

I got the gas, baby.

Don't, I'll be flying high as fuck.

But then at Sushi Samba, our move was we would drink the customers' booze.

Yes.

We would sell them.

It was $90 for a bottle of Wakatake Daiginjo, which was an expensive sake.

And then you'd put it in the chiller right by the server station.

And it just became a one-for-you, one-for-me type of game.

So we'd all be just beautiful.

I would love selling a margarita to somebody, and they'd be like, like our passion fruit margarita was always on the rocks.

Yeah, but people wouldn't read the menu.

So they want, they expected a frozen one.

So they go, I'm going to get the passion fruit margarita.

You bring it on the rocks and they go, I want it frozen.

I go, well, I can give you a traditional margarita with a passion fruit ad if you want it frozen.

So you upsell them and you get a free margarita.

Done.

And then I'm in the back by the ice machine.

Then I'm in the back by the ice machine being like, oh, it's so good.

And then tossing it and being like, and then I would get drunk.

This is how you knew I was drunk on the floor.

Yeah.

Like when I did dinner shifts, you knew I was drunk on the floor when I'd be like, yo, can you watch my section?

I'm going to smoke a cigarette.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's like, not even time to smoke a cigarette.

No, no, I would do it.

I'd be like, dude, let me just go smoke it.

Let me fucking do it.

I'm going to do it all the time.

Fuck it, wash your hands, pop some gum.

Hey, we're back.

How's the second day doing?

Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, my God.

Smoking a cigarette during a restaurant shift

is.

It was

it was so good.

And then also like the whatever bar you went to after your shift.

Yeah.

That first cigarette after the first round was

to me,

it was the after you because we had a locker room at those schools where you change back into your street clothes.

I'm like, did I have any lockers?

You'd keep your all blacks in your apron and shit.

So it was easy.

You just have to like bring them in every couple shifts, bring in clean clothes.

But to switch back into street clothes, to walk outside and light up a cigarette, You're like,

after like a double?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

After a double.

Well, at public house, me and the girls used to do hoe shit after the shift was over.

So we'd throw like our whole clothes in.

And then go clubbing.

And then we'd fuck it because we'd already be half wasted from our dinner shift.

So, yeah, we'd go to the club or whatever.

We're like, we're already drunk.

Like, come on in, ladies.

Yeah.

Oh, and you guys are going to be able to get it.

That was the exact clientele we're looking for.

God, dude, it would always be the, it would always be the Puerto Rican or Dominican dudes trying to get us at the restaurant to go somewhere else.

Yeah, yeah.

We'd always be like, now we'll go to the the bar around the corner.

And they'd be like, no, no, no, come to like.

So she saw that we would go to VIP or 10s, whatever that place on Park in like 20.

It was in the 20s in between Park and 5th or something.

It was all Russian chicks with really nice fake tits.

Yeah.

But they were just like so chatty.

The boys loved them, but they would just come and like sit next to us and talk.

And I'd be like, I'm not

any money.

Yeah.

And then meanwhile, guys like me would be like pulling out my watch and thinking about, do you want to drink too?

I used to fucking love love going out after waiting tables.

Waiting tables is the best to get fucked up specifically.

It was the best pre-game because you're earning money while you're drinking already and then you're going out after.

Yeah, just having the time of your life.

And then when you wake up, but I remember when I would spend all my money at the bar.

Yeah, that was the best.

And then all I would have is a half a pack of cigarettes and like six bucks.

And you'd be like, you'd look for your cash wad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you're like, I did take a cab.

I know, did I?

They buy fucking pizza.

You justify it.

You're like, well, I'm working again today at four.

We're good.

The hardest, one of the hardest shifts for me ever was I

used to do doubles Tuesdays and Thursdays.

And I got a Caroline's breakout series on Tuesday.

So I had to get my dinner shift covered.

So I got my dinner shift covered and I worked Wednesday dinner.

So Tuesday, I did lunch.

I went home.

And it was my first headlining set.

Like, I think the first time I ever headlined.

Wow.

And I was like, I got like 110 to 120 people to go to that show.

Wow, nice.

Like everybody I knew.

I made flyers.

I was like really trying.

And I remember the hardest shift was doing a stand-up show.

Feeling so good.

She getting paid.

Yeah.

Drinking out of the room.

Dreams.

Everybody's there.

And then waking up the next day.

Now you go to work lunch.

That's yeah.

I've been there so many times.

And you wake up and you're like, oh, no.

There was one time at Caroline's when Louie was.

If I recently told the story and you remember it, we can just cut this from the podcast.

But

Nate,

Nate and I were going to meet up and go watch Louie at Caroline's.

This is when he was filming season two of Louie.

Okay, okay.

And Nate and I were going to meet up and go watch and meet on Thursday.

We're going to go to a show.

And so I go to the bar at Caroline's.

I'm like drinking a beer.

I'm waiting for Nate.

And then like there's chaos.

And they're like, Hannibal was featuring, but he was stuck because he was riding at 30 Rock.

He was riding on the show 30 Rock.

And they kept him because it was like a writing night.

And so he couldn't come do the the show and so caroline's freaking out because the show started and they're like we need someone to go up yeah and they're like we need someone to go up and i'm like pretty new at caroline's like i've done a couple house shows yeah and they're like shoulder could you do a guest set and i was like yes this is unbelievable i've been waiting my whole life i can't wait to and they're like great

nate bargetsi is hosting do you know him and i was like What?

What?

I was like, I'm supposed to meet him here.

And they're like, yeah, he wanted to surprise you.

He thought it would have been cool if you would have walked in because he got the job that day.

He was like, he was trying to surprise you.

So I got to one-up him.

And they passed him a note that said, bring up Dan Soder.

So he was like doing his joke where he's like, my wife's like, I wouldn't take a bullet for you.

And he goes.

And he looks over and I was like.

But what's bring me up, buddy?

He brought me up and I just, I did a small set.

And then, you know, like, it didn't lead to anything.

Like, I don't even think Louis watched.

But then we watched Louie.

But the thing I remember about that was nate and i were drinking a beer in the back hallway at caroline's and i was like you know what sucks 12 hours from now i'm going to be doing side work i know and it was at like 10 15 i said that because i looked at my watch and yeah and then i was at dos cominos at 10 15 shoveling ice into a bucket and i was like i'm

oh i

sucked right back in my last like serving bartending job ever was at this place called uh dokebi

and there was, oh no, it was Little Dokeby.

Dokebi is this like Korean barbecue place in Williamsbarbec.

Okay.

Little Dokeby just says Korean food, but it's not like the grills, but it's like you do everything by yourself.

Oh, yeah.

I hate restaurants like that.

Yeah.

They're like, here's the meat.

You're like, I don't know how to cook that.

Yeah, like, like, store the liquor.

Like, I had to pick up a ladder and like hang it up.

It was a very heavy ladder and then slide it over.

And then an old library?

Yes.

But it would lead to a liquor cabinet that I would have to bring boxes up, store liquor, like, like, bring it down to the fridge just like a lot of manual labor for a five foot one girl yeah and this is when i was dating lewis it's towards the end of like mine and lewis's relationship true romance and what he would come pick me up and watch me sit and watch me struggle with this ladder and i'm like your shoulders are looking diesel yeah i was like you're six feet tall help me with this ladder i'm having a korean cocktail well lewis would be like this you gotta fucking make things happen karen so you don't have to work here anymore

lewis does have that energy he's like now what are your goals focus on them achieve them and you don't did friends coming to your friends or

lovers coming come visit your waitress waiter waiter job dude we just had yannis on and Yannis and Nate came to have lunch with me on my break between shifts.

Yeah.

And that was the first time I ever got recognized from stand-up.

Wow.

It was on that walk.

With them.

And they were like, hey, see, you'll be all right.

Because I think while we were walking, I was like, I'm going to kill myself.

I can't wait tables anymore.

I can't fucking do this anymore.

Is your friends coming to watch you?

I remember this is like probably during a pretty good relapse.

I had, do you remember Mookie?

Mookie?

Yeah.

So it was me, Mookie, and Micah Fox one night.

Probably some other people, but we all got wasted.

And Micah and I were kind of fighting over Mookie.

Okay, Mookie.

Good for you.

Micah won.

Okay.

And they went home together.

Okay.

And Mookie lived in Greenpoint.

I think I lived in Bushwick.

And I had to work brunch the next day.

And guess who came in and made me wait on them after I lost the fight?

Both of them came in.

Post-coitist brunch.

Post-coitus.

They were both like glowing.

They're like, Karen, get me a bloody mare.

Turns out our bodies fit.

I was like, what the?

Our bodies fit perfectly.

Anyways,

are you doing eggs and dumplings?

Yeah, I was so bad.

They're like, can you just tell us the specials?

I was like, I hate fucking.

Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, my God.

So mean, bullies.

The only thing worse than people you know are Europeans.

Yeah.

waiting on europeans yeah or indian

i mean indian people i didn't know indian people were bad until i moved here and then every waiter no matter re race gender creed they were like you get indians they ain't gonna tip they're not gonna tip you they just and by the way

i hate when comics say this cancel me it's fucking true dude it's true it's true and by the way anyone that ever worked at those cominos and you had an indian table say it with me now spicy guacamole water, no ice.

Water, no ice, or hot water.

By the way, do you know why, though?

It does make practical sense when you say that.

It's like digestive stuff, right?

In India, a lot of the sickness can come from ice.

Ice, right?

Because they're just freezing their dirty poke water anyway.

It's dirty water that's frozen.

And so if it's when it thaws out, you get fucking sick.

So I ain't hating on the water, no ice.

No, it's fine.

But when I did fill up all the water pitchers in my station and I had to go get a fucking fresh one because you don't want ice, delicious ice.

It's the most American shit that I'll fight for my life.

20% is all we're asking.

Not even 10%.

They wouldn't.

No.

Or get like 5 or 7%.

Sometimes they're like, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Shut up.

I got a kid into Indiana Jones, right?

A Dominican.

My favorite thing was the bus boys.

Because the busers, especially in New York City, they're all from the Bronx.

They're all like 16, 17-year-old dudes.

They're all like funny.

Yeah.

And they loved me.

Yeah, I bet you killed them.

I was fucking, I was Gringo Loco.

Yeah, they used to call me Abu Alita.

Yeah, Abu Alita.

That's great.

They would call me fucking Gringo Loco or

Grande Loco.

Because I would go nuts and like punch the micro screen and they'd be like, oh, Gringo Loco.

Or about you fucking kind of

punching the screen.

But dude, my favorite line ever, we had a guacamole station because they think they don't do table-side guac.

They make it in like a thing and then they throw it in Mocajete.

This is my favorite story ever working at Doscrinos because we had to have like a lot of prissy waitresses that were like actresses.

Yeah.

That were like, of course, hey, Enrique Table 40 needs their double guac and they'd be making this big ass guac.

Yeah, and I just every I thought they were hilarious and I remember one time I was just chilling in the hutch and they're making guac and they're going like

And one of them goes yo That be sounded like a wet pussy, bro and they're like

And then the waitress goes oh my god, and I'm dying Yo, my man,

that be sounded like a wet-ass pussy.

Funniest shit in the world.

Hector the bus boy, every time I would reach for a glass, he would be behind me with like a semi-erect penis.

Oh, no.

And just like do like a drive-by over

my butt cheeks.

He would pretend to be reaching for a glass.

And you would feel it?

Oh, every time.

I started elbowing him in the dick, though, and then he stopped.

Oh, look at I'm like, dude, you're rubbing your almost hard dick on me.

I don't know how he got it.

Maybe he just had a fat dick, honestly.

But it would always feel like a little chub, like a little hard, and it would just like be like right over both my butt cheeks.

And I'd be like, Hector!

I'm so glad I was not.

I'm so glad I was never sexually harassed by Consuelo, the coffee woman.

She's like, dang, you're a nice piece.

Shut up, Consuelo.

Get out from under my apron.

I'm sure that I was the problem, like a couple like drunk lunches.

So I'd say, I'd say, hey, Hector.

Want to see my ass?

And he's like, more than anything.

Yeah.

And then he's like, what happened last night?

You said it's okay.

He's like, no, it's okay.

It's not okay.

Dude, the craziest one is I was walking Myrtle when we moved in here, right?

And I like to walk walk her by Madison Square Park.

And there's a really expensive, cool building.

And I was walking Myrtle by the front door and I just hear, yo, soda.

And I look back and my boy Charlie, who was like my busser, like my, I did lunches.

He was like my guy.

Laura Cielo, me and Charlie, just working the whole section.

Fucking 12 tables.

This motherfucker's a door guy at this fancy ass building.

Oh, nice.

Good for him.

And he's like, yo, I've been here for like, I quit Dos Camillos in 2011.

He's like, I've been here since like 2014.

Wow.

He's like, I got benefits.

I control my schedule and shit.

And you're like,

what the fuck?

He's in a nice suit.

Hell yeah.

I'm like, remember when you sexually harassed all those young waitresses and shit?

Look at me now.

Because all the busboys would be like,

they'd come in.

Being a woman at a restaurant in New York City is a waitress.

Yeah.

Because they never sexually harassed us.

No, but we also just like you would get everything you asked for at the same time.

Like, yeah, maybe Hector would like rub his dick on me sometimes, but would I open my eyes to a little piece of filet mignon?

And I don't know where he found it.

That's amazing.

He'd be like, here you go.

Here's a little chip pollo, poyo, parati.

Gracias.

And then you're like, thank you.

And he's like, I need to get that glass.

And be like, oh, dick.

Oh, fine.

Hurry up.

Hurry up, Hector.

Hurry up.

There was this girl that I forget what her name is, but she was just like the little,

she was like tiny, big, like anime eyes.

Yeah.

And just a fat butt.

And they would wear these like black skirts at Dos Caminos that would show their logos.

It was a similar uniform, Dos Caminos.

Like we have the same thing at Sushi Samba, black dresses.

Yeah.

And then we would have like a brightly colored sash that like the little our apron would go on.

So we were all black.

Yeah.

Whenever I see a fucking person in all blacks on the subway, I'm always like,

brother, I hope you get staff meal.

I hope you're in time for staff meal, brother.

Would you ever go back to waiting tables if you had to?

No.

I would have to be addicted to heroin.

Yeah.

I would have to need the money so fucking.

Yeah, same.

it took me so long yeah

to

like let go of like i won't have to go back right like i'm talking about i was on billions i had a serious xm show yeah and an hbo special and i was like i every time i was in a restaurant i'd be like i could do lunches here yeah i bet i could walk with like 150 same i always i still do it like i see like a brunch waitress just like that used to be my thing too i worked brunch i would work friday sunday sunday yeah so i worked in the day friday saturday and sunday and saturday sunday i was the only brunch waitress at this place called greenpoint heights that was cash only and groups they would open at 11 and there would be a line out the door so the whole patio would be sat at the same time oh my god no pos system all handwritten orders and i would go and throw and i would make so much fucking money what would you walk with on that um at least 400 bucks holy yeah i would walk with four but i earned it i would be sweating because I did everything.

And the owners of the place would help me out too.

And so I would be like, Do you want me to like tip you out?

And they were like, Yeah, you could throw us a little.

And I'm like, That's fucking illegal.

But I would, but um, I need to.

That's $400 for a brunch.

Yeah.

So I would make, and I was living in Bush.

Make my rent was like $700 a month.

So I would make more than my rent in a weekend.

And I would just, you know, I was getting by, by, I would make, I would do

Mondays off.

Yeah.

And then I would do

for a while, doubles, Tuesdays, doubles, Thursdays.

But then when I was doing, when I was getting stand-up work, I started doing Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

All lunches.

All lunches.

Yeah.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

I got to close.

Okay.

Friday was only on cafe because then sometimes I would do Friday, Saturday road gigs.

So I need to get out of there early.

Yeah, yeah.

I need to get out of there at like 2 p.m.

So I could go home, grab my shit, and meet whoever I was opening, Bobby or Colin, whoever I was opening for.

But dude,

closing lunch, I would average $500 a week.

Oh, a week.

A week.

Not a shift.

Not a shift.

So four weeks, I'd make 20, I would make about $2,000 a month.

Because you're still tipping out on those lunches, too.

That's a tough, that's tough.

Walking with like 100 to 150.

Yeah.

And then it was whatever stand-up money I do.

Right, right.

But I smoked cigarettes the entire time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I drank every night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know where the fuck that money came from.

No, me neither.

My rent was $6.50.

Right.

Because I lived in a windowless room

in Queens.

Yeah.

But it would just be like, I would just...

You just figure it out.

You would just like survive.

You adapt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so like,

it sucks so much, but I truly do think everyone should wait tables.

Oh, of course.

Just to have the appreciation of like,

oh, this.

The lifestyle.

Like, I think they should do it for like, you know, not a week.

Like, live as a waiter or waitress lives for like a few months.

Yeah, especially if your parents are rich.

Yeah.

Because it'll make you more human.

It totally makes you more.

And it's like...

I would do that if I were very wealthy and I had kids.

I'd be like, you're all going to wait tables throughout either high school or college.

And you're cognizant of every cent you make.

And when you're tipping people out, you're just so aware of like labor and like what it's earning.

And also ripping people off.

Of course.

You got to learn how to steal somewhere.

You have the choice.

Like, and you make up things.

You see how people get greedy.

Because you go, Roberto didn't even fucking run my food tonight.

I'm not giving him

75%.

And then

you feel like guilty.

And then you go home and you go,

oh, yeah, he's in Ecuador.

He's sending money back to his family in Uruguay.

And I'm going, like, I need it for a pack of camel lights.

Yep.

But I fucking, but getting out, how great was that last day?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I got fired.

Nice.

Because

this was like during a relapse, but I was relapsing and I got caught at Dokeby drinking like on the

security cameras.

Shout out.

And so.

Did they show it to you?

No.

Because you want to see yourself in the thing, though.

Yeah, I forgot.

I think I was like, I was flirting with somebody else.

Like, I think Lewis and I had just broken up, and somebody came in to visit me at the bar, and I was like wasted, giving them drinks, drinking their drinks, and like all over them.

And then there was another couple eating lunch that was like, what the fuck is this whore doing?

Like, you want our chat?

The waiter's like,

this is cooked wrong.

And then you're over there, like,

trying to see it.

One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me.

You're like, you fucking out of here.

But that's like, it was the same day, or like within days of each other that I got hired at Paramount Network to like be a copywriter.

So I got a writing job.

So I was like, you know, there was a tough week, I think, like in between where I was like saving up before like my first paycheck hit.

I was like, every dollar, I was like, I need this for a bagel.

We're getting out.

Yeah.

Dude, I got hired by Guinness and I found out and they were like, yeah, you could quit.

And it was right before Christmas season.

And I was like, I'm done.

And the guy was like, I fuck.

The GM was like, please not write.

We need you.

Especially at lunches because of all the, and I was like, I'll put in like two weeks then.

Yeah.

And then I was the worst waiter

for two weeks.

If you ate any of those lunches there, I am so sorry.

I was smoking a cigarette in the middle of the shift, not even having anybody look at my section.

No.

I just go outside and smoke.

And then I come back in and be like, where are you?

I was like, smoking.

Yeah.

And they're like, you like turn into that Ross Geller thing.

You're like, Dan, we're going to let you go.

Fine by me.

I was like, oh, no.

Oh, what am I going to do?

Like, I was, I was drinking, like, you know how you're supposed to only drink sodas in like the cones?

Yeah.

I said the full, like a, like a pint pint glass of like Pepsi.

And they're like, Dan, what are you doing?

I'm like, I might go look at it.

I got caught because I was friends with all the guac guys.

Yeah.

And the bus, the busters make guac.

Those are my guys.

Those are your guys.

So the

move was order.

a side of flour tortillas to one of your tables.

The kitchen runs it.

You intercept it.

You get a basket of hot flour tortillas.

You get a side of guacamole.

Yeah.

Go up there and just fucking.

Dip those.

And then I got caught.

I mean, I got caught my last two weeks maybe five times they'd be like your tables are looking for you and i'm just like ripping off tortillas

but are they looking within

well they're not seeing me for right seeing the waiter damn i'm quitting but god it was the best leaving with all my stuff in a bag out of my locker was like

going to have you gone to eat there after yeah that's the value tipped fat as yeah yeah like hey guys it tipped 100 i think yeah i was like

i ate on the cafe because it's closed now but my friend mark and i my buddy from college was in town and i was like it had been a while it had maybe been like five years since i worked there and i was like let's go to those communal get a craving for the food let's go ball the fuck out yeah and i was doing the off the menu order i was going hey can we do shrimp quesadilla closed and they'd go we can't do that you go yes who's the chef they go david you go go ask david tell him dance and then what's funny is i wasn't you know no one knew who i was then uh but that that was the closest i felt to like being like a major celebrity yeah where they're like dance odor's back and they're like he said table 242

guys guys

guys all these all these mexican dudes with spider web tattoos on their elbows coming out being like dad i'm like guys guys francisco how are you guys good to see you

stop qualk and roll quiet consuelo was like guys

She was the coffee lady and she, I would get, I'd be so hungover that I'd be like, Consuelo, I need like just

cappuccino after cappuccino

and then just going out there and then by the end of the shift you're like

my heart's gonna fucking pop.

Yeah, that was me and green tea at sushi samba.

Yeah.

A lot of green tea because you could just unlimited.

So you didn't hate the food by the end?

Nah, maybe because like

the food on the menu was always good.

Every item is good.

But like I would make things off menu that I started to find disgusting that were just like free.

Like you could have as much sticky rice as you want.

Okay.

And then I would put spicy mayo on it.

I would call it Asian mac and cheese.

It was disgusting.

Now I think about it,

but at the time on a hang on a hangover stomach, like rice and spicy mayo, it's just expanding in your stomach, and you're ready to go again.

Beautiful.

I used to do

I used to go across the street to McDonald's and I'd get sausage and egg McMuffins.

Yeah, and then we had our homemade Chipotle aioli sauce.

Oh, dunk it up.

I'd just dunk the shit out of that, hungover, just having grease.

And then I'd have like, I'd have a fucking pint glass of sprite.

Yeah.

From, and dude, once you know how to control the, the, the, like, the syrup and the bubbles.

Yeah, you are unstoppable.

You could get it to a level that only McDonald's could touch.

Sprite makes me think of the double vodka sprite I ordered.

My very first shift at Public House.

Okay.

I had worked lunch and I had worked dinner.

And in the...

In the middle of the dinner shift, Lynette came out to me.

And Lynette was a badass.

She was from like Jersey, like black hair, skinny eyebrows, iridescent lipstick, real tough fucking talker.

She's like, I need a cocktail server.

I was like, I'm not doing it.

I'm on a double.

She's like, I'll give you an extra 100 bucks.

I'm like, fine, but I got to go.

I'm going to get wasted.

So she's like, fine, whatever you want.

I was like, double vodka sprite.

So I start pounding double vodka sprites.

I am blacked out.

And cocktail waitressing, you're cash and carry.

So you get a bank from the bar.

So they just give you like $100.

And then you're supposed to be making change.

It's dark.

It's confusing.

It's like,

I just like, Lynette comes up to me at the end of the night and she's like, according to your number, like you have all sales.

Like you should have two grand.

And I was like, what?

Oh, no.

She's like, Where is your envelope?

And I was like, In my special place.

And she's like, What?

And then I flicked her in the forehead and she grabbed my arm.

She's like, You're fucking fired.

And then the next day, I had to come in and get chastised.

Holy so, wait, you just fucking dunked her?

I went like this to Lynette.

Everybody knew the next day.

Everybody would come up and fake flick me.

They'd be like, Karen, Karen.

That's very funny.

That's dude.

That's sad.

My other favorite part about waiting tables is people aren't usually in their best place mentally.

Nah.

And they do wild shit.

Wild shit.

Wild shit.

You come in and be like, you know that new guy that was there?

And you're like, yeah, he's like, he shit all over the private dining room floor.

And you'd go,

he shadowed me.

He seemed nice.

Public house was like a corporate place.

Like it was really fancy.

just you would get so many suits in there for like lunch and dinner but then come nighttime they would like start charging a cover at the door and like a club like a club And like you could reserve different tables and get like bottle service.

And we'd be like on the bar, like dancing and like pouring shots down people's.

It was like three different places in one.

That is crazy.

Dose was very corporate.

And it was very like,

we need to look great.

Dude, I mean, my manager, my, my old manager, Eric, like comes out to shows of mine.

And he lives in the Bay Area.

And he would like, they would try to control me.

And I'd be like, dude, I don't take any of this seriously.

You can't make me.

When we were outside on the summer in the cafe, we'd have to put black, the napkins over because we had like metal water pitchers, so you'd have to put the napkins over so the sun doesn't make the water hot.

And I used to just like rip my one-hitter and think it was so funny when people were walking by to pull the napkins like it was a magic trick.

So they walk by and I go, like that, and they'd be like, what?

It'd be like a businessman walked to the bathroom and he'd be like, what?

And I'd be like, huh?

Funny.

That's not fun.

And then we had a DJ, my friend Mike Salerno, a DJ, and they would like play it through the speakers.

And he was playing

Goodbye Horses.

horses that song that's like

from Sanskrit.

And my manager is sitting there, Eric, and I'm like typing stuff in and he's like, you know, he's like looking out over the cafe like a manager.

And I go, hey, Eric.

And I pull my chapstick out and I start doing it.

And he goes, as I'm doing it, he goes, Soder, don't.

And I like do it with the chapsticks up.

And it's like, ooh, ooh,

ooh, ooh.

And then I put it on my lips.

And he's like, Soder, don't do this.

And our aprons were long.

Yeah.

So I grabbed my apron from the back and I pulled it through like it was talking.

So you just saw my drink tray and I went,

would you tip me?

I tip me.

I tip me so much.

And like watching him be just a regular guy and break.

He's like, son of a bitch.

You fucking got me.

I could talk waiting tables with you all day.

So much.

Good news is we don't have to do it anymore.

For now.

For right now.

For right now.

We might be back.

No, no.

Karen Feehan's hilarious.

She has a special out on

OnlyFans TV on OnlyFans TV.

OnlyFans TV.

Yes.

Go watch her special.

Thank you.

Listen to her podcast.

Thank you.

Follow her on social media.

Yeah.

She's the best.

I've known Karen for a long time.

100 years.

She's always been hilarious, but it's been great watching her get her shit together and become successful.

Oh, thank you.

I've been a big fan of that.

I love you guys.

Bye.