90: Predator Surplus with Aidan McCluskey | Soder Podcast | EP 88

Woo buddy, end of July.

July 31st, my first time ever to Portland, Maine.

I'm going to beat the Empire Comedy Club July 31st, August 1st, and August 2nd.

Virginia,

I'm coming back.

Funnybone in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

That is July 18th and 19th, four shows.

Dansoder.com.

Phoenix, Arizona, September 5th and 6th.

Monsoon season will hit.

It'll be nice and...

cooled down at night.

So come on out to Stand Up Live, September 5th and 6th for four shows.

DanceOder.com.

Go get your tickets.

See you there.

Los Angeles, September 25th, the United Theater.

Wilmington, North Carolina.

I haven't been back to Dead Crow Comedy Club in years.

There's been some storms.

There's been some floods.

There's a new location.

Well, guess what, baby?

In August, I will see you, Wilmington, at the Dead Crow Comedy Club.

I'm going to be there August 14th, 15th, and 16th.

Five shows.

Dead Crow Comedy Club.

What a great club.

I'm very excited to come back.

DanceOrder.com for tickets.

I don't know why people think benefit shows are good places for comedy.

It's a horrible idea.

It just is a horrible idea.

It's like, I don't know.

Even tried several times.

I was like,

do you, are you you sure?

Yeah.

Like, please.

You push back.

Yeah.

When you get booked, a lot of people don't know when you get booked on a comedy show.

These people will reach out.

And the people that are reaching out,

nine times out of 10, are fans.

They like what you do.

There's a reason they're reaching out.

They're not reaching out so you can fail.

Right.

They're reaching out because they think it's going to work.

Yeah.

You know it's going to fail if you've done it enough.

Oh, yeah.

I did a,

there was like a benefit and they were like, can you do this benefit?

It's private benefit.

A lot of money.

and i was like i don't think so i don't think so but it was in the city so it's right after the bonfire this was like five this was before covid and they were like just come do this benefit

it's e you know my manager was like it's easy it's in and out and you're kind of like dude this is what i've been doing all these shitty gigs for so i can just pop in and make yeah and they said it'll be good And I remember leaving my house going like, I'm going to bring a button down just in case.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to bring a button down shirt just in case.

And I had this red Denver Nuggets shirt on, and I like show up, and it's a fucking gala,

like a black tie event.

It's tuxedos and fucking ball gowns.

And I'm like, What's this for?

And they're like, for the cancer wing at some hospital.

And I was like, What's up?

And then they're like, So it's two more acts than you.

And there was like a QA, very boring thing.

The act before me were three doctors, cancer doctors,

wailing on guitars.

Really?

He's like, geez.

There's like a little girl with a scar going down her head, going like, that's the guy that saved my life.

I wonder if he got in there and made her play guitar.

He's like, oh, watch this guy.

He's like, hot wiring.

She's like, he's like, put it in her hands.

He's like, what do you guys want?

Pearl Hayes?

Playing her brain.

Don't, don't.

You go, you sick, Richard.

You're sick.

He goes, listen, this lady wants to live, but does she want to live?

You want to talk about sick.

She wakes up.

He's like, I left you with a little skill.

I put something in there when you were asleep.

And she's like,

yeah, but dude, they fucking rocked and then brought me out and I bombed for like

flop sweat.

Yeah.

Like hard.

How long did you have to do?

30?

I think I did 27.

Yeah.

Leaving that place and having that cold air hit you and you're like,

but you, I mean, before, by the way, I'm getting better at introducing my guests Aiden McCluskey hilarious stand-up comedian

you don't know him but you should know him lives in Minnesota he was in town I said come do the podcast yeah thank you been on the road together he's also you might have seen him with Nick Mullen and other hilarious comics

he does you would you look perfectly castable for the Larry Bird story You think so?

Yeah, dude.

Anyone that's seeing that now?

But young, the adventures of young Larry Bird just have you bawling out on black dudes in Indiana and the fucking shit.

Yeah.

In the early 70s.

Oh, yeah.

I would love that.

It would have to be like they'd shoot it like the Terminator, though.

They'd have to like put the camera.

Yeah, we do a we do old Hollywood effects.

Yeah, absolutely.

Where they where they would pan back and go, you want to know how we did that shot?

And then you turn on the side and they go, oh, shit.

He's not six foot five.

And you go, not at all.

Nope.

But he plays it.

It'd be funnier if you were shorter.

Oh, if we did like a parody of the life of Larry Bird, we might develop this.

So it's trademarked.

Just all accurately height everybody else.

Yeah.

And then me

5'8, 5'8.

5'8.

Yeah.

But coming in and balling over to...

But like we do the thing like Airbud, where we make it look like

you're just soaring in the air.

Like, don't pull any bunches.

Do completely an out-of-pocket.

You know, like the Chuck Norris thing jokes they used to do where they're like

the boogeyman is where Chuck Norris is hiding in his bed.

We do that with like tall tales of Larry Bird, and it's but it's you.

Yeah, I would say, but you just play and then you just, it's like these insane, you know, like, you know, Larry Bird stopped a river from flooding, and it's just you in the middle of a river stopping it, like, like Paul Bunyan tales.

I think this could work.

I would be down for that.

I know a lady at Fox.

Like, just saying

the TikTok highlights they do of him, where it'll be like an overlay of him talking with Darren

He's like, I don't know.

I just Larry Bird highlights are

if you're a if you're a pale white dude and want to get worked up in your car,

but you want to go get fucking hyped for the second half of your day in your break at work, take a one-hitter and just dial up Larry Bird highlights on YouTube.

Specifically like a three-doors down edit one.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

Your company's going to have to fix fix some holes in the drywall because

you're coming in on diesel fuel.

Coming out of the stall.

Yeah, Pam.

Fuck you, Pam.

She's like, I asked him, he shut the fuck up.

Larry Bird was the man.

Yeah, dude.

The way he talked shit was so funny.

That's why I loved in the last dance, the Jordan highlights, where he's like, fuck you, motherfucker.

Like the way they talk to each other, you're like, great.

That's so cool.

Yeah, he's the man.

Larry Bird, every story about him.

Doesn't he like, he would tell him where he's going to go?

And he's like, you can't do anything about it.

there's a story uh there's like a ton of those stories yeah him just like telling people he's gonna score on him which is so mean if you're a professional athlete

if i was just that guy

you know i'm not larry bird yeah so i'm just like the guy that's like shut up you know he's like hey man i just scored seven i'm gonna score another three on you and you go my wife's in the stands please dude i brought my my brother brought his kid my brother's sick

this might be the last time he sees me just stop there's one where there's a a great one where he like pulls up to shoot.

He fakes a three and the guy goes by and he goes, bye-bye, birdie.

And he just fucking slams it.

Like, Larry Bird was the man.

So cool.

Also hurt himself in that Bird vs.

Magic documentary.

He hurt himself paving his mom's driveway.

So he injured himself.

Yeah.

Doing something.

Just extracurricular for his ma.

Just being a good dude.

Yeah.

Hard task for your loving mother.

And it ends your NBA career.

I mean, we could...

I'm surprised you haven't been approached by police to be the kid in the sting for a pedophile.

I don't know how that hasn't happened.

How is the local police knock on?

Hey, we know you do some stage work.

We know you're comfortable in front of an audience.

I would love to do that.

I did apply a while ago to be a crisis actor for police.

Okay.

Yeah, but never heard back.

What would that entail?

So like they would give me a script of like, oh, I'm feeling suicidal or I'm feeling this or that.

And I would have to like act it out.

And then the cops would come and have to try and defuse the situation.

So you're basically like an exhibition game.

They bring you in to be like, absolutely.

So they're like, all right, smoke this meth.

Yeah.

Take this point.

Rodriguez, you're up.

And you're like,

he's like, calm down, sir.

Calm down, sir.

Yeah, that's fun as fuck.

You would be great, though, if like some fucking pedophile's like, I'd love to meet you.

And you're like, yeah, why don't you meet me?

Fucking weirdo.

I would love to do something like that.

Do you watch Pred Hunters?

I mean, those things are so popular now.

It's like, it's too much.

Some of it is like...

We need another turn.

Yeah.

Now we need the pedophiles hunting the pedophile hunters.

I feel like that's going to happen.

I mean, I watched one where the predator beat the shit out of a guy.

I mean, that is a guy.

Those men are cornered.

Yeah.

A lot of times they get them at a target.

Just cornered in the sports section.

And they're like, I don't know.

The guy has to confront why he wants to fuck kids in aisle seven.

Yeah.

He's like,

yeah.

They're like,

I mean, Hansen's the god.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hansen is the guy.

Chris Hansen begot

all your favorite predator hunters.

Yeah, he did.

I mean, they had to stop, though, because that D.A.

shot himself in his house.

I mean, when they went to go.

Yeah.

You get caught.

It's...

You're running someone up against a cliff.

It's the only thing that no one can rebound from.

No.

No.

OJ was pretty cool before he died.

Like, he was back and like, he murdered his fucking wife and he was like, kind of okay.

They're even talking about getting Scott Peterson out.

Are they actually?

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know.

You can look that.

Look it up in a second.

But Scott Peterson, I think they're like.

thinking there's a way he might get out of prison.

No shit.

Yeah.

And that dude cut his wife's head, legs, and arms off and put her torso, pregnant torso,

anchored it to the bottom of a lake.

She kind of pretended like, I don't know where she went.

Yeah.

It's always over New Pussy, too.

Yeah.

Always over New Pussy.

These guys get cagey and they do some crazy shit for new pussy.

That guy in Colorado that murdered his wife and kids, all for New Pussy.

Which one was that?

There was a documentary about that.

Where they like went into the thing.

Oil barrels.

It was like a, it might have been a water treatment facility.

Yeah.

And they, he, like, got, they were found.

I don't know, but you're like,

that's how crazy men get over new pussy.

well and then it's the ladies that they're doing it for they're like i never asked him to do that

i didn't know you'd do that yeah he was pulling your hair saying i'm gonna murder this bitch

and you were just scoegeeing on him but probably for months she was like All you need to do is get rid of them and we can live together.

Or they do the thing where they go, if it just wasn't for blank,

you and I would be together and everything would be perfect.

Yeah.

What he doesn't realize is

even if it worked out, best case scenario you get away with the murder

you and that woman are going to reach the same point absolutely you're going to hit a point with her where you're like i gotta kill i gotta put this bitch in the water treatment

hey you want to go to the water treatment facility she goes i know that move he's like oh i'm a rascal i murdered my family for you all it says is they want a new trial i want a new trial they're looking

he got attacked in prison hell yeah because some prisoners are good dudes.

Yeah.

Some prisoners are in there for fucked up reasons.

But they turn out.

Did you ever see the video of the one guy who like beat the shit out of his pedophile roommate?

He was like, I kept telling him I didn't want to be in a room with him.

I kept telling him that.

And they told him.

So he like

damn near sawed his head off with like shoelaces.

And then he was like, I'll do it again.

Yeah, he goes, that was fun.

Yeah.

All right.

We won't put him in the room with him.

But if you're a pedophile, you're like, that's the ultimate no one wants to sit at your lunch table.

He's like, no one likes me.

And he's like, yeah, you're a fucking pedophile, dude.

And he's like, I know.

Speaking of that, I got the citizen app, and it's really like...

I don't think that's a good idea.

It's so fucked up because they'll be like, they'll send me notifications and be like, oh, there's a predator 500 feet from you.

You got to pay for more.

You want to see what he looks like?

They'll give us a buck

99.

There's a predator 12 feet away from you.

It's like, he's already got two signatures on me.

Oh, shit.

There's a predator right here.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude, that's, I don't need that citizen app.

I'm already, I live in New York.

My shit will be like, hemp, hemp, hemp, hemp.

It's been going off a lot since I've been here.

But the,

it really has.

I looked, and it'll only show you like crime icons that have happened

in the last 24 hours.

Yeah.

And I just was sitting around and got a notification i zoomed out and it was just all around me i was like i'm in a sea of crime right now we're an outbreak yeah yeah that is pretty wild the citizen app is sometimes you're not supposed to see things no i don't want to know that's happening it is really like oh

time to talk zoc doc myrtle's out myrtle's out of the kennel because she knows i'm talking zoc doc

the app for hypochondriacs with insurance or you know just if you're a regular person that worries sometimes about your health guess what?

ZocDoc, free app and a website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment.

That's the part that gets me: oh, I'm worried.

Well, bam, now you have a doctor's appointment.

And immediately the worry, gone, because you're going to see an adult.

That's what I call doctors.

They're just adults.

They're adults that know stuff.

So

stop putting off those doctor's appointments.

Go to zocdoc.com/slash soder to find out, to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.

So that's z-ocdoc.com slash soder zocdoc.com slash soder that's how i feel sometimes with technology where i'm just like we shouldn't be knowing that because we're too yeah sensitive to be like

like you walk around like that like people that just walk around on the internet like

oh yeah brother

i didn't get off twitter because of that yeah because it's like all you see are fights and people screaming at each other.

And what's weird is it's like it is the cake factory because you go, sometimes it's delicious just to dive in and read some shit.

Yeah.

And then you go, but this is unhealthy and this is killing me.

Yeah.

I can't eat all this cake.

I've said it before.

This was the first

football season I didn't have Twitter.

Like I didn't, we post on Twitter, but I don't use it.

And it was fucking

sweet.

Yeah.

Do you know how many times I punched this couch?

Because a dude's on Twitter when I'm watching the Niners game.

Oh.

And they're just like, what's up, pussy?

Your Niners suck.

And I'm like, what's the caught that?

I turned down that one to fucking suck.

And, you know, obviously the problem is me.

Yeah.

But

I don't need someone lighting my fuse.

Yeah.

And also.

That's like Katie wears her boom boom helmet.

What's the boom boom?

She wears her tossing vest

in case the Niners are down double digits.

Yeah, it's like, I don't need, I already know I'm a fucking idiot.

But like you get on that Citizen app and you're like, there's a pedophile four floors below.

Yeah.

I knew there's a pedophile four floors below me.

What's stopping me from taking a mini bat just down there and being like, bing-bong?

He's like, hello?

You're like, yeah,

predator hunt.

You just yell that out while you're doing it.

It's a buck 99 a month, if you want to know, which is so fucked up because I will get notifications and my girlfriend's like back at home and it's like, there's a predator.

She goes, oh, dude, there's a rapist on it.

What?

And I'm like, no, no, no.

Has it prevented crime?

I don't know.

Do they point out that these apps ever prevent?

Because I mean, I'm sure that

has to be the original intent.

I don't really know what it's supposed to do.

All it does is like

it'll show you, like, in Minneapolis, most recently, it'll like, I was coming home, there was a protest going on.

And then right when I got home, an accident happened at the protest.

So then if people have the citizen app, they'll start live streaming it.

Oh, okay.

You can, like, watch the live stream

of the crime.

No, it's not really helping

at all.

Stream.

Yeah.

But the streams are fun because it's usually like the nosiest people, and they're like, hell no, look at this.

Look how many people are doing.

That's great.

Yeah, it might be worth it.

The $1.99 might be worth it for the streams.

Yeah.

Oh, you can get that for free.

They really only pay while the predators.

They're like, there's a sex criminal near you.

You pay me $1.99 and they'll show you.

Yeah.

Premium content is pedophilia?

Yeah.

It's to know where they they are and what they look like.

Yeah, do you want the pred pass?

They'll show you like a dollar ninety nine to see where all these sick fucks are lurking.

That is wild.

It's like a tinder gold because it'll show you like a blurry image of what they kind of look like.

And they're like buck 99, you get to see what I'm saying.

Give me a dollar ninety nine.

You want to see where this pervert's resting his head?

This is where you want.

You want to know where you're looking at it?

Oh, yeah.

Well, we might have to write this off as a show expense.

Oh, yeah.

Go pred hunting.

I mean, you think that ain't going gonna push tickets?

Me busting pedophiles and then feeling bad for them, going, like, were you molested?

And they're like, yeah.

I'm like, that's usually what it is.

And they're like, my uncle used to face fuck me in the closet while my dad was watching the bears.

And I'm like,

I'd be the only pedophile hunter that would feel bad enough to give up.

And I go, really?

You're just 20 bucks.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, dude.

I don't know.

Can I get you a ticket to Thailand?

Just don't be doing it.

You know, something to get the venom out of your system.

You talk to these guys and you're like, all these guys,

Big J watches them.

And so I used to get hot.

We were on the bonfire.

We watched it a lot.

But also at his house, it's very fun to watch with Big J because Big J knows like certain moments.

He can break it down.

The way John Gruden breaks down football film, Big J can break down Predator Hunts.

It's fantastic.

He could

be like, now watch this because this guy's retarded.

He's like, now this guy doesn't know he's a pedophile.

He just kind of thinks he's talking to a friend.

And then he'll show you you.

And you're like, oh,

it's.

Oh, I saw the Acon thing.

The Acon, they brought him out.

Celebrities and gambling companies getting involved in predator hunting

is one of the final stages of Rome.

Yeah.

If you did not think that Rome is burning, the final step is when gambling companies and fringe pop stars start going along for the hunts.

I bet we're going to catch a pedophile.

We'll see over under.

He's retarded.

Yeah.

Now hit that.

Smash that

smash that parlay line if you think he's got a child on him.

Yeah.

A weapon on him.

Condoms.

Condoms.

Zima.

Yeah.

Bust out some.

No, now they're just seltzers, probably.

Yeah, like a high noon.

Yeah, just a couple high noons with my child lover.

Dude, they...

The ones I like are dads against predators.

They travel the country.

Dude, I'm down with dads against predators, especially if your kid got clipped.

Yeah.

Like if your kid kid got clipped and that's on you, like a detective, you're just drinking out of a gym beam flask, looking out of a motel going,

I was on a business trip and my kid got fucked by the neighbor.

Now I go around the country just demolishing child molesters.

I'm fucking down with that.

Send me a link for that.

Oh, I get that.

The vengeance predator hunters.

Oh, yeah.

But yeah, but your kid has to get clipped.

I'm not talking about a dad that just imagines his kid got clipped.

I'm talking about for reals.

For real.

I'm talking about the same athletic.

I'm talking about you're passionate because it fucking went down.

I don't need no studio gangster coming out here going after pedophiles.

I want a guy that it's, it's like, it means something.

Oh, yeah.

And they're like.

And I hate to say this.

Preferably, I like the child to be dead.

Because

that's how you make more dracula.

Like a John Walsh thing.

What's that?

Like a John Walsh thing.

I was so on board of John Walsh.

Yeah.

Kid got taken.

America's Most Wanted.

Hit me with it.

I want to find out out who these motherfuckers are.

But when you find out it's just a dad who's like, I'm a girl dad.

You're like, shut the fuck up.

You got three alive girls and they're all safe.

And safe and you're away from them right now.

You're actively leaving them at home to go beat up predators in a different state.

Third rule of hunting.

You've just given up.

You've just given up

your nest.

Now all your chicks are unprotected.

Because you're out here being a big dog.

Now, if one of them already got clipped and you were out there proving a point to the other two, like, subscribe,

fucking Patreon.

There was one dude that I saw.

It was very flash in the pan.

He had to get taken down real fast.

But he

went on the pedophile registry

and trained.

Sort of like a Batman type character where I followed the timeline.

Was this just a regular guy?

Yeah.

So he had no, nothing happened to him and then his parents didn't get it.

He might have gotten gotten molested because don't forget yeah if he gets molested also that's it i want to amend my statement if you yourself were molested and a parent you become like okay your kid doesn't got to get clipped if you were clipped yes somebody batman becoming batman without his parents getting murdered is just a so it's just a psychopath it's just barren he's just a rich person beating up poor kids poor people yeah

fucking them up i mean breaking bones

so but this guy yeah so i went along his timeline and just like months leading up to it.

I can't remember what his name is.

He got taken down very fast, but he would like bulk up.

He was doing kickboxing.

Great.

And then he went on the pedophile registry and was like, I'm going to find them.

And

he went on the registry and he would break into these guys' houses, tie them up, steal all their money, and then beat the shit out of them.

Post all of it online and then leave them tied up in their homes and like run their bank accounts dry and everything.

I saw like two or three videos of it, and then it was scrubbed from the internet.

It was like gone.

Yes, and he was like robbery.

Yeah, but it was like violent.

Yeah.

He was fucking them up.

Let me put my promoter hat on here.

Yeah.

I think you get like everyone's obsessed right now.

I don't know when this episode is going to come out, but everyone right now is obsessed with talking about 100 people versus a gorilla.

Yeah.

If you, if you've ever had a regular job, you've had this conversation before.

The internet getting hold of it now and people acting like this is new shit.

By the way, my friend from high school literally texted me.

Remember when we were high on your back patio and we did a polar bear versus 100 men?

We did Grizzly.

Me and my friends.

Polar bear is harder because polar bear, they have those claws because they can run up to, I think it's like 30.

Look this up.

I think polar bears can run up to 30 miles per hour on ice.

Holy shit.

It's a truck.

Yeah, that is.

It's a small truck.

It's an S10.

And I was putting my 100 guys up and then it's that.

So bring your little pussy ass gorilla.

Klondike.

Oh, dude.

Polar bear versus gorilla.

Yeah.

I would almost, if the gorilla gets to the neck.

Yeah.

I don't know what their fingernail situation, like their gorillas?

They have like, they have rounded, they don't have claws.

They have like

rounded nails.

Yeah, they just have fucking mitts.

And they could slam into that, break the polar bear's ribs and shit.

But that polar bear with those claws and that fucking mouth on you,

it grabs you.

It's digging flesh.

And I mean, did you look it up?

25 miles an hour.

Dude, a polar bear coming on ice, 25 miles an hour at you.

Going school zone speed.

Yeah.

Running right at you.

Running right at you.

That does sound like a cool way of saying that.

I'm going school zone on this, bitch.

25 miles an hour.

But if let's, why don't we just mix worlds and either do 100 pedophiles versus a polar bear.

Yeah.

Or.

Take one of these pedophile hunters.

You know how that, because the other one, Ron and Fez did it perfectly where they did how many like five-year-olds do you think you could take out in a fight?

Like you versus 100 five-year-olds.

It's kind of like that.

I don't know if I can do it.

It's the same concept.

But we take this guy that trained and robbed all these pedophiles.

I'm sure there's like 20 pedophiles that can handle themselves.

Against this guy.

I'm guessing if you're out there trying to fuck kids, some of you can fight.

Because if that, if you get caught, you got to fight your way out of that.

Oh, absolutely.

You can't talk your way out.

Yeah.

Out of getting caught.

Fought his way out of a Dollar Tree.

That's what I mean.

Yeah.

It was a Dollar Tree.

I'm staying a Target.

Look at me being an idiot, out of touch with reality.

That guy's at a fucking McFrugles.

Swinging, swinging for the fucking fences.

Yeah, dude, you get pinned in by fucking Dollar Garden furniture, and the guy's going, like, that's your phone.

And you go,

yeah, that's that.

But you take like

the 10 best pedophile fighters, pedophiles that are tough, versus this guy.

I think this guy takes it.

Because this guy was huge.

And guess what?

You put it on pay-per-view.

Yeah.

I'm downloading.

I mean, that's really Roman Coliseum type shit.

Don't act like we're not there.

I might as well be the one to capitalize on it.

I feel like the guy that's going, we should toss lions into the Coliseum.

And they go, that's a good idea.

And I go, I don't know, maybe they eat the Catholics.

I don't know.

That's an idea.

Sorry, dude.

I'm a little drunk.

I was drinking some day wine.

I was over at the the vomitorium after the origin.

I was wondering, like, you should fucking feed these guys the lions.

He's got like a lamb tummy full of lions.

I go, he's holding a lamb stomach.

It's splashing down my face.

You should fucking throw some lions in that bitch.

It's like all around your Kool-Aid ring.

So Disarris, your hammer.

I'm naked under this toe.

Yeah, but I'm surprised you haven't been hired

as a.

I would do it in a heartbeat.

you would yeah you wouldn't be nervous I mean I would for sure be nervous I mean you're not gonna get fucked no you're a grown man right you could fight out of that maybe some of those guys pulled up though like the to catch a predator it's like we found a gun in his glove compartment and like it's like oh man some of these guys aren't playing around especially these days with what they know online if you're risking it nowadays

You got to be coming prepared.

Ample availability of MMA training.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just one of these perverts does a year at Tiger Schultz.

He's a problem for most.

He's a problem for at least a couple local police officers.

Definitely.

And hey, back the blue.

I love the one.

I'm just saying.

He might be a real motherfucking problem because they're motivated perverts.

Oh, yeah.

And like you said, that's it.

Yeah.

You get caught doing that,

life is fucking over.

You may as well go.

By the way, it's not only done, you can't recoup with your family.

No.

Your family's like, get the fuck out of here.

You're not like, it's not like if you're drunk and you're like, oh, I just got some pussy on the road.

You know, like, I was drunk.

She's like,

we've been fighting.

I got some pussy.

If you're like, yeah, I

drove to Iowa to fuck this 13-year-old.

Yeah, it had about six hours to think about it.

Turns out it was a cop.

Yeah, they always drive such long distances.

I don't understand that.

It's like, yeah, I drove like six hours.

I've been talking to her for about two weeks now.

Big Jay used to have one of my favorite jokes about, I think it's on his comedy Central Presents, about

driving cross-country for pussy, but that's why you should jerk off because he's like, I'll drive to Dallas for some pussy jerks off.

He's like, what am I doing?

He's like, but then my balls fill back up and you like start driving.

He's like, he's just fucking criss-crossing the country.

But that makes me think of like, if Myrtle, get out of the trash, you sick bitch.

No, she's just under the desk.

She loves homeless Pimp.

She just comes out here.

She's very sweet.

Yeah, she's a very sweet dog.

But I feel like if you're driving this distance to do something that illegal, I don't know.

You have to have cum coming out of your fucking ears.

Yeah, you better be.

You better be for real.

Yeah.

You better be so full of it.

Yeah.

Someone hugs you and just cum comes out of your nostrils.

Sorry, I got it real.

I'm about to drive to Kentucky to do some real heinous shit.

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that's so funny we didn't even say the name and fucking aiden knew exactly who it was aiden was like vital

i saw vitali zedrovsky

filipino prison yeah he's a russian youtuber hey myrtle you want to up here hi you want to come up here Yeah, dude.

Myrtle's on the pod.

I know.

Okay.

She takes over.

She's pedophile hunting.

You're a pedophile, dude.

Instead of bed bugs, I trained her to go after pedophiles.

Myrtle,

his dog ears.

I think you're assaulting me.

Yeah, dude.

You're 35.

Lay down.

Lay down, Fatso.

Hey.

Lay down.

Myrtle?

Dude, she's laying down on Aiden.

I'm very sorry about this.

You're good.

This is where we're busy.

Pretty much that summarizes just the pedophile hunting faint got to his head.

Yeah, it broke.

um well he went to like a he was doing a prank where they impersonated Filipino police officers.

He stole a motorcycle in the Philippines.

Yeah.

And he's facing up to 24 years in prison.

Yeah.

Each counts 12 years.

Yeah, and they are refusing to extradite him.

Yeah, including attempting to kiss.

Wait.

Oh, he did some.

I guess he was like goat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This guy's kind of extreme case.

I think he was.

He was the the one that brought Akon to the park.

Oh.

Yeah.

That phone call's got to be so sleazy.

What if I told you, Akon?

Akon wants to come and fucking bust some pedophiles with you.

He's like, oh, that's crazy.

Akon, I haven't done what's he been to.

Remember when he tossed that guy off stage?

Acon?

No, I haven't seen that.

You've never seen that clip?

No.

Can you dial it up, Pimp?

It is.

Awesome.

He tossed it.

Dude, Akon used to do wild shit on stage.

Really?

Yeah, he was like, kind of awesome.

If you go back and look at it, he just like, he was like Kenny Powers.

That's it.

His brother used to,

his twin brother, or his brother that looks like him, would pretend to be him and do concerts and then just keep all the money.

Yeah, dude, there it is.

Convict music, dude.

He fucking tosses the guy.

We'll put it in here.

We'll edit it in so you can.

Oh, wait, I have seen this.

I didn't know this was Akon.

Oh.

Oh, he lifts him on stage.

Like, come on up, bro.

He's like, come on.

He's like, guess what?

You are going to fly now.

Why are you gay?

Why are you gay?

Well, it's the funniest thing in the world.

Damn, dude, he really just tosses him.

By the way, kind of got like WWF.

Yeah, he scoops him up.

Scoops him up, puts him up in a rack.

Damn, dude.

That's solid.

That's a solid toss.

I'm not saying NXT should call up Akon, but I'm not saying they shouldn't.

Just have a little bit.

Give him a break.

Give him a break, dude.

Put the boy in the ring.

Put him in the squared circle.

Let him fucking run the ropes yeah i don't know i mean you're still out in st paul you live like in st paul so what i love about aiden is i was explaining this to will solvince it's like how

people talk about being white trash and then i'm like aiden makes me feel like a studio gangster oh because you got stories where i'm like holy

yeah did you ever live in a trailer park No, I didn't

grow up in a trailer park.

I grew up like pretty far out in the country.

Yeah.

I had friends though that I ended up meeting in high school that grew up in the trailer park in Ettrick.

Yeah, wild boys.

Oh, yeah.

You go to it.

It's just the only time I've really spent time in a trailer park was my stepdad's dad lived in one in Las Vegas.

We spent like all of Thanksgiving, but it was like not a bad one.

Yeah.

Did that make sense?

Oh, it double talked about.

Yeah.

So it was kind of like a little house.

And it's, if it's in like a quiet area,

everyone thinks trailer parks.

But the ones that get cracking.

Oh, they really pop off, though.

My dad took me to one in in lake county yeah i forget where it is i think it's kind of by blue lakes if you live up by there but we went and i was like

i felt like a giant pussy coming from the suburbs i was like oh you roll up and they got the shack high tops with the and ones below the knees

and just the fake grass that comes out as like the doormat and i just remember being like i remember specifically eating dinner very late and being a pussy about it because i was 12.

i remember being like are we gonna eat soon and my mom at my mom's house eat at like seven o'clock every night yeah my my dad him and his friends were just hammered it was like 11 30 and he's like yeah his like girlfriend was cooking uh stovetop yeah or no uh hamburger helper nice with noodles and i was like yeah all right and then it was just crazy salted that's all i remember take a bite you're like

god damn oh just pounding fuck it i can't drink uh

grape juice because of that trip because that's all they had like fago or straight up grape it wasn't welch's oh okay whatever it was but i remember just like the the and it wasn't cold it was oh yeah they got the two liter out in the garage or something

so i just remember drinking warm that's what i think of when i think of trailer parks the taste of salty hamburger helper and warm grape juice and i'm like

yeah i was just so mad about it but then i remember feeling like a bitch being like stop complaining this fucking you got a me you know what i mean at least you don't live here

i was like at least you don't fucking live in this place.

I never spent a ton of...

I had friends that lived in trailers and stuff like that, but most of the time it was always just spent in like ranch style homes.

Yeah.

You know?

Single level.

Yeah, single level basement, always unfinished.

Always, always very scary.

And it's got like several deer mounts,

stuff like that.

Yeah, dude.

I was lucky that I, I mean, like.

I hope the suburbs continue to be a thing in America.

Yeah, because they're just such a great place to fucking grow up.

Like, it's weird when I moved here and I saw kids that live rural.

I think I understood a lot more than like city kids.

Like, big city kids, you're like, you guys live, even Pimp grew up in Queens.

That's a different pace because it's still, there's just so many people around you that you're just like,

it changes the way that you grow up.

Like, I couldn't imagine when I see kids going to school on the subway.

I'm like, what a little fucking adult no i was kind of blown away when i had like one of those children like approach me and they're like chocolate yeah that's chocolate i'm like where is your mom she's on the back of the train murder yeah hey uh those

i hear you hear stories about that like um People say like the cartel

kidnapped.

That's what I always hear.

Like the cartels making them do that.

Oh, making them sell chocolate.

Yeah, and then they just take all the money.

Like the parents get, there was a story, a news story I read about a group of people in New Jersey that basically would drug their kids and just like give them to other people in the community so that they would go yeah where they would like be in the subway you just like go down the subway and see a lady holding a sleeping little girl and of course you're like holy shit here's a dollar yeah and i heard that i just take all that and so that's what sucks about modern society is you learn about that shit

it's almost as bad as knowing there's pedophiles everywhere yeah because you're like i i can't even give money to being like i'm trying to help yeah like you genuinely want to help and then you're like but is this just just a Ponzi scheme of a fucking cartel that's insane is this is this dollar going to a gold machine gun for a guy in the Sonola cartel pretty cool yeah it is pretty cool he goes they sell uh he's showing it to his friends he goes they sell um 100 grand candy bars New York City I buy this

Skittle money

tropical we don't sell the red ones that's how you get pinged but it really does make me feel like the internet gives us too much information that it's hard for us to be good people when you have all the stuff you know what i mean yeah i mean

you'll see a situation play out online and you're like oh there's a good and a bad and then they do research behind everybody that was in the video and you're like

okay yeah i guess it's a very complex situation and i don't know how to feel anymore i don't yeah it's like i think the first taste of that was michael jackson he just made like the most incredible music and everyone was like you enjoy that i heard these fucking kids and you're like Can you not?

Yeah, can you not?

It's like when I find out, like, uh, I like when you read a biography, there's inevitably a part where they tell you something you don't want to know about that person, where you're like, ah, god damn it, he hit his first wife.

Yeah, and you're like,

you know, but they like, they're like writing a biography, so they're like, they did get physical in their marriage, and you're like, I know what that means.

Yeah, it

I don't know how I feel about a lot of it.

I don't want to know that about my idols.

You You meet people or you hear more and you're like, okay, fine.

I guess everybody's a pedophile.

I can't watch TV anymore.

Jesus, goddamn it.

Everybody's a drug addictor and egomaniac.

I'm sorry that I liked the thing you made.

But I also think that's

important because we're like so far down the hole in a celebrity culture where they're like literally showing up on pedophile hunter things or pushing gambling or like pushing all this like, I don't need to see another app commercial with actors I used to respect.

No.

They're going to make like Pacino be like, oh, oh, I love this gambling app.

Mint Mobile.

You don't need it.

Oh, Royal Kingdom.

You don't even need the internet.

And you're like, Myrtle, stop eating trash, dear.

Myrtle, come here, stop eating trash.

You're very similar to your father.

You just want to eat trash.

Come on here.

Putting her in the box, five minutes.

And for those of you fucking refs at home, you have no idea that her face was just in Katie's trash can under her desk.

And she's proud of it.

The bitch is proud of it.

Yeah, her tail was wagging the whole time.

She's also ripping the first part of the podcast, she was ripping cotton out of her toy.

Oh, is that a stuffed turtle?

So that definitely means she was not enjoying our take on pedophiles.

No, we always read the podcast, though.

She's like, talk about the business.

You're going to get demonetized.

She goes, talk,

break the fourth wall on comedy.

Not enough comedians are talking about comedy.

Stop trying to be funny.

And Myrtle's got good notes.

I don't ever blame her for it.

Yeah, dude, I don't know.

I feel like this celebrity culture worship shit needs to end.

And I understand that mean that I probably will only get to do stand-up, and I'm fine with that.

Yeah.

You know, maybe we only need small doses of people.

Yeah, I could see that.

I don't know.

Like, you see on, it's so weird that it's like a lot of their social media is just them.

Like, when you're talking about reading 49ers comments to you,

people fire it out and they have just access to be like them approaching you and being like, I fucking hate you.

Dude, Shane and I, like one of the first times we were ever hanging out, we were playing Madden together and I made this joke, but I always think of this joke.

It was I threw like

three picks with a team.

I think I was Cam Newton and the Panthers.

And I threw three picks and I was just like mad and I threw the remote on the hotel bed and I was like, I'm going to go tweet the N-word at Cam Newton.

And then Shane goes, Shane goes, I know you're joking, but for real people do that.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

That's why I'm making fun of it because it's crazy that they're just like, but I saw, and I'll continue to reference this because it made me think of the anger towards celebrities so much different or even public figures different.

Was this guy on Reddit was just like, listen, I fucking hate my job.

My wife is a bitch.

And my kids are mean.

And they're fucking, they don't listen to me.

I love going into a comment section and telling a comic he's not funny and that he sucks it just lets me get the venom out so I'm not beating my family and you go I'm okay with that yeah I'll take one if I found out that that was stopping pedophilia it's like I want to fuck kids but instead I'm gonna tell Dan Soder stop saying that's funny when someone says something and you go I'll take that yeah honestly It's a good note, too.

Appreciate you watching the shit.

Don't fuck kids.

That's my podcast.

Thanks for listening.

Don't fuck children or we'll hunt you.

Aiden and I are putting together a super team.

Dude, that would be like assembling the Delta Force.

Me and you, and then we go by Mullen's house.

We're like, knock.

We're putting the team together.

He's soldering something.

I'm in.

Big J on his farm.

I would love that.

I'd be the decoy.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, if we put together an A-team of pedophile hunters, now that's the content you want.

Celebrities hunting pedophiles.

Absolutely.

That'd be unique.

That Acon one went nuts.

But that's what I mean.

Stop like

if you if you get in trouble as a celebrity, immediately pivot to pedophile hunting.

Yeah, because you're the good person categorically.

That's the only thing where that's true, good and evil.

It is black and white.

The pedophile

needs to be hunted.

And you are the golden knight.

Absolutely.

So you get caught, you know,

in salacious scandal.

Your first thing, your PR person ain't worth shit.

If the first thing they know goes, let's go to Ohio, hunt some pedophiles.

Yeah, let's activate that citizen app.

Look who's back when we talk about the citizen app.

Yeah, old fat Myrtle sniffing around for kid pussy.

I'd be pretty sick if Shannon Sharp got into,

yeah.

Oh, so you think he was gonna fuck kids?

He just pivots.

That's so funny.

Did you think he was gonna fuck kids?

Shannon,

Shannon, former tight end Shannon Sharp.

I don't want to shake your hand.

You were fucking kids.

Were these your messages?

He reads them like Chris Hansen.

I can't wait to suck your penis.

Is that you, Broncos fan 72?

And he goes, that is me, Shannon Sharp.

Having celebrities that pedophiles are fans of hunt them

is

the best we're going to do.

Because I feel like they would just be so pumped.

They would think they're running into him.

Shannon Sharp?

He goes, that's right.

You were there when I caught my league leading 110 receptions at Thetan.

He goes, I am.

Now, you also were talking to a boy named Neil online.

And he goes, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, and also, if they're ex-NFL players, how fun is the chase?

Oh, yeah.

Because if a guy gets away, you almost go, send his tape.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Send his tape to some people.

You guys got to see this guy's shuttle.

He can't do a shuttle run, but you accuse him of pedophilia?

He juked me out.

Guy runs for 1,500 yards in the NFL because every game they go, you know, he's a pedophile.

He's like, I'm sorry,

I'm sorry.

Fuck, I thought she was 16.

That's legal in some states.

They would think that's just the best day ever.

They would be like, I got to meet Shannon Sharp.

Ran away from him.

Yeah.

And I found out that that girl wasn't real.

Yeah.

So there's a nice conclusion there.

I knew she was fake.

My face is everywhere now, but the internet doesn't last.

I can never go to a family reunion.

I'll never have a family holiday again.

Yeah, dude.

I don't know.

I think this is why we're in like the most interesting time to live yeah it's because all this is just like everything's

it was like watching tectonic plates just collide just everything is smashing into each other

but

we appreciate you watching this yeah right we'll shit on all other content but not the stuff that i need to keep me fed

no i absolutely understand it i there's nothing worse than myrtle you're about to break a camera

she's just sliding under our main shots about just you have to watch it go

forward because my fat dog's out here stretching her back under a fucking tripod.

She gets territorial.

That's why we lock her up, everyone.

I thought she was going to do good.

I was like, we'll leave the door open.

Yeah.

She's been pretty nice.

You and your girlfriend have a dog?

We have a cat.

That's the best way.

Yeah.

You know what I'm really into right now?

Speaking of content, I fell down a rabbit hole.

You know, people sail with cats a lot.

Like boating sail?

Yeah, like they do like long-distance sailing with cats.

No.

It's like way more common than I thought it was.

Really?

There's a guy, there's a dude right now.

Again, this might have already happened.

I don't know when this comes out.

There's a guy sailing to Hawaii with his cat, and you can like track it online.

But someone in the comment section was like, I did this with my cat like 10 years ago.

We were like out on the ocean together for like seven months.

And they're like, what do you do with the cat box?

And they're like, you just put it in a certain area, let them fucking go.

They just dump it in the sea, or what?

And then they just clean it out when they go to a port and then put more kitty litter in.

But they're like, what if the cat falls in?

They're like, some cats like water.

Didn't know that.

No, I didn't know that.

I thought cats hated water.

Category.

Yeah, I thought they just fucking

across the board.

Across the board.

That's why you spritz them when they get on the fucking shit.

But no, there's people straight up being like, my cat loves to jump in the pool.

And you're like, that's insane.

That's the good part of the internet.

Yeah.

Where you go, I'm into this.

I will say, though, I have noticed my girlfriend's cat,

he kind of likes a little bit of water.

Like, if we're in the shower, the curtain will move aside, and he likes the mist from the shower.

It's good for my skin.

Yeah.

He enjoys that.

But if, like, he gets a little too far in and touches one, then he,

it'll look at you like, what the hell?

Why'd you do that to him?

Just a little mist.

Mm-hmm.

She fucking hated water.

Dogs usually like water.

We tried to go swimming with her when she was a puppy.

Katie still is a scar because myrtle's like really

yeah we like put her in the water and she's like get me the out of here but now like if we go to like a lake or something she'll go like leg deep oh okay yeah so she's like better about it but when she first we just threw her in we thought it was gonna be all right well because they inherently know how to yeah right they don't have a doggy paddle yeah

she's obsessed with pimp she just comes out and she's like hey And then we leave and she just goes back in her kennel and doesn't talk to me.

And I go, I'm here.

Well, I would love to scratch your fat neck.

She's like,

get out of here too much of you get out of here when you come from like uh growing up in a rural place like that would you ever want to live in a place like new york it's tough my dad grew up in queens oh okay yeah so

he killed someone and had to leave is that why where you grew up where you grew up yeah he's immediately goes so he had to flee he uh he met my mom when he was in the navy okay yeah and then they lived here for 10 years and then wanted to have me but i don't think they could afford to have a kid yeah i mean i see see people.

That's true.

So then they had to leave.

Yeah, people raising families here.

It's like, how the fuck do you afford that?

I don't know.

In some cases, I'm like, this shouldn't, you shouldn't have kids here.

Yeah.

Because, like, there was a homeless guy just like smoking a cigarette and spitting on the floor right around like 3 p.m.

There was a bunch of kids on the train, and I was like, Yeah, but they shouldn't.

But those kids grow up and they're not impressed with anything.

True.

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah.

That's why it's better.

You go to like a rural town and they're like, oh my God.

And these kids are like, yeah, so what?

They're going home.

yeah let the guy spit and smoke yeah you know what i mean like a little like nine-year-old kids are like dang guy's jerking off what are you gonna do they don't even drink off yet they're like yeah you gotta get it out of you somehow sometimes yeah he's just time in a place he doesn't have a home yeah let the guy sleep down on the bench they do but they always end up city kids always end up addicted to drugs at like 12.

and then you talk to them when you're 21.

when i worked waiting tables in the city

And you would like work with a city kid, you could tell.

You're like, you grew up here?

Like, I grew up in Manhattan.

My friend Sarah was the only normal person I've ever met.

That grew up in the city.

She grew up on the west side and she's like normal.

Yeah.

Ah, there's a couple other people.

There's comics that are from New York that are pretty normal.

Yeah.

Sam, Schultz, DeStefano's from Queens.

They're like kind of normal, but they also always have that,

they feel 40 years older at times.

You're like talking to Giannis, and he's like, I remember in Brooklyn in the 80s.

And you're like, Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

This is a Bronx tale.

I fucking.

And then, you know, where we, like, I grew up in Colorado, and you're like yeah it was kind of it was suburbs yeah I mean the thing is it's like it's not that I didn't see somebody spitting and smoking at a bar when I was very young my dad fucking made sure I saw that yeah but it's like yeah you knew him yeah you're like he's a good guy he shits his pants when he gets drunk sometimes but like he's a decent I'm blown away by people that aren't surrounded by alcoholics I think that's like weird to me I made that revelation in Utah where I was like, oh yeah, your parents were just like not drunk.

Yeah, they didn't bring you to a bar when you were a child.

Dude, Big J didn't believe me.

It's a little premise of our cartoon.

Yeah.

Yeah, St.

Jermaine and I's show that we're making is I was on the bonfire and I was like, yes, go hang out with my dad at the bar.

And he's like, that's crazy.

That never happens.

And I was like, oh, what?

It was actually.

And then all these people would like DM me or tweet at me or email me.

Like a lot, like,

what are you doing?

You're a psycho.

They'd be like, dude, I'm a bar kid.

Yeah.

They're like, like, it was, so yeah, you grew up like that.

Oh, yeah.

It's very normal.

I remember just going to be very normal.

I get that.

It felt really normal, though.

Yeah.

It felt like you're going to a point, like you're accepted there.

They would always say, don't sit at the bar.

That was always the rule.

Don't sit at the bar.

That's like the number one rule.

They give you a bunch of quarters and you can like go play like the quarter machine or like towards the end of the night.

when it's like you and a couple other bar kids.

Yeah, that's it.

And they won't give you any more money for pools.

So you've just got the white ball and you're slinging it back and forth.

Coming up with games where you go bounce it it off this this and that and get it into the wall just with the cue ball dude cue ball games are absolutely such a and you smash my finger dude what the hell and it's so funny that you're like friends with these kids that could be dead now you're like i have no idea where they're at a lot of them just are in the same bars yeah still where i grew up yeah they they bulldozed the bar we used to go to in denver was called caldonia's that was in aurora And it's funny because Adam Caton Holland, a comic from Denver, was on here and he randomly brought it up thinking like, oh, it's like a reference.

I was like, no, that used to be the bar.

My father, my dad would like take me to that bar.

Yeah.

And just hang out.

And then when he worked at the bar in California, I would just hang out there.

Yeah.

I'd go visit him.

And it's just eating fried food for dinner.

Unbelievable.

Yeah.

Chicken fingers and fries.

Corn dogs.

Pepsi in a small paper Pepsi cup.

Yeah.

And then going back out.

He worked at a bowling alley, a bar in a bowling alley, but the bar was popular.

And then you just go out to the bar.

So I'd just be like out in the bowling.

What sucked is when the bowling alley would close and the bar was still open.

So I couldn't hang out in the bar.

So I just had to sit on like a milk crate and read.

Like, that only happened a couple times.

Yeah.

But that was the worst.

You're like, I can't play Cruising USA.

Yeah.

It was awesome.

Shout out, Lakeside Lanes.

The bowling alley where I grew up went downhill sharply.

That's what bowling alleys did.

Yeah.

It was called Duffy's, and then it was just bought by this dude who lived in the basement of the bowling alley.

He's like, I'm sick of these pins keeping me up.

Every night I sleep.

It's just like, I don't care if you're rolling a 300.

Yeah.

And then he fucking was married to this lady.

I remember him as a lot older because we were like kids.

Now, this is going to hurt.

How old do you think he really was?

Honestly, like 20

at the time, but we were like 13.

So he was like a fucking old man.

Yeah.

And I remember going because my this dude, I kind of knew he was weird.

But it was just like one of those like third string friends where everybody else is busy.

So you just like hit him up.

Oh man.

Yeah.

Having those.

Yeah.

Thank God you never know you're that guy.

Yeah, no.

I felt like that a couple times with friends where I've been like, oh, you're calling me.

You're calling me.

And it's later in the day.

Yeah.

So you've tried.

Other people.

He was super, the dude that that lived in the bowling alley, his name was Nick, and I went over there with my friend Ethan because they were like big into RC cars.

Sick.

Yeah.

Custom-made RC cars?

Yeah, that's there.

There we go.

What a fun world.

And I remember walking in.

He was smoking cigarettes in the bar, watching Resident Evil on one of those big box TVs, like fixing the.

And we thought he was like cool as hell.

He was.

But then he ended up having sex with a girl from my grade.

What grade were you in?

I was in eighth, seventh or or eighth grade.

Yeah.

And this was the guy that lived below the bowling and bought it and changed the name to Bricks.

It was supposed to be him and his girlfriend's name mashed together.

Had sex with a girl in my grade, less than a year of owning it, and then it just went back to Duffy's.

Damn.

Yeah.

You go, well, it turns out

that guy had some wrong.

I mean, dude, you should have pedophiled busted him.

He's still in.

We found him.

We like searched his record and stuff and we found him.

He's still around?

Yeah.

Sex within the eighth grader.

What do you talk about?

Yeah.

Gross fuck.

I don't know.

I mean, that was in retrospect, I was like, do you think he got her the same way he got you?

Fixing an RC car and smoking inside?

And she's like, who is this?

Yeah, and it's like he'd offer you cigarettes.

Also, I know algebra.

Yeah.

I can help you with your fucking home.

I can help you with algebra.

I can tell you about the War of 1812 if you really want to know about it.

You'll ace your social studies test.

Dude, that's fucking wild.

Yeah, dude.

Finding out that people are 20 and you're when you were like 13, they felt felt like 40.

Yeah, they felt so much older.

And it was like, oh, is it cool that like he'll drive us places?

Oh, man.

And what a loser.

He'll give us cigarettes.

What a fucking loser.

You know, the thing, I smoked in eighth grade.

Yeah.

Started smoking in seventh grade, but really smoked in eighth grade.

And our thing was we would go to Circle K and we'd stand off to the side.

And then when dudes would come up who looked older,

we'd go, excuse me, Mr.

$3 for packs of cigarettes.

Shout out.

1995.

And

we'd be like, hey, we have $3.

Could you buy us a cigarette?

And how many times dudes are just like, yeah, what do you want?

Like, grab the $3, come out with like a pack of fucking Marlboro Reds for kids.

Yeah.

And the times, the people that were good, and they'd be like, you guys don't need cigarettes.

We'd be like, fuck you.

Yeah, you're gay, dude.

Yeah, fuck you.

And then I'm thinking of that.

I'm like, I'd absolutely be a gay guy.

It's like, get the fuck out of here.

You shouldn't be smoking.

You know?

And then you think about these guys that we we thought were cool and you're like, what a fucking loser.

Yeah, I remember we would go, this guy I still think is pretty sick.

He still hasn't lost.

Yeah, he's cool to me.

I remember my buddy J-Rod, his brother worked at the BP in this town over from us, and it was a lot smaller than where I grew up.

Yeah, I was like small towns because it goes like, ours was 200.

Theirs was 75.

You're like, how do people run that town that small?

And we would like hit him him up and it would just be like, tell me what liquor or booze you want.

And

he would just roll up while he was working, fill a shopping cart up full of booze, just steal it.

He would just go steal it, wheel it out to the back, throw it in the back of my buddy's Sunfire, and we would be like, here's 50 bucks.

And he's like, sick.

And then we would leave.

Honestly, not a bad business model.

I kind of see why you like this guy.

That's 100% profit.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, now the cost of doing business is if you get caught, you're going to jail.

But he became a Marine.

Yeah.

Thank you for your service.

Fucking, yeah, I think he's sick as hell still.

Let's omit that part about him banging the eighth grader.

Oh, no, different guy.

Different guy.

Oh, thank God.

No.

Oh, thank God.

You were winning me over on a different guy.

Completely different guy.

No.

Jesus Christ.

No, Nick never got us boosted.

I knew our nation's best wouldn't do that.

Yeah, no.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God, dude.

I was so worried that I was starting to like this fucking monster.

I know.

No, he's putting me boots.

It's pretty sick, and he's making 50 bucks.

Dude, my buddy's brother used to work at a hardware store, like a big one.

I won't say the name, but we would, when we would steal from it, you'd just do that.

You just fill a shopping cart.

Then the whole point was you would have cash to like pay for, he would like fill a whole shopping cart up, but he would scan like batteries.

Oh, he'd pay for the batteries and then leave with like a fucking power washer and a safe and shit.

My buddy and his brothers did a lot more, and I'm not going to give names out.

Yeah.

He watches the podcast.

He knows.

The time I did it, this is how bad at crime I am.

The time I did it, I like filled up.

He was working in the lumber section, so it was easy to get out of.

And he's like, so just bring your card up.

And he's like, boop.

He's like doing the fake scanning and scans like batteries or whatever.

And he goes, great, that's $16.85 or whatever.

And I go, I don't have any cash.

He goes,

My friend's brother was so disappointed in me.

He was like,

what the fuck, dude?

And then someone, one of my friends I was with was like, I got that.

And then he was like, and then later when I saw him, he's like, dude, you almost blew the whole operation.

I was like, well, yeah, I don't know.

This is like before credit card.

Like, I don't think I have a credit card.

So you just had no money.

You just walked in and you're like, it's free.

I thought.

I go, I thought we'd just take the card out.

And he's like, you got to buy some of it to make it look for real.

And then one of my other friends jumped in and paid it.

I was like, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Andy.

What were you getting?

Oh, all this stuff from my dorm room.

It was in between senior and freshman year of college.

And they were pulling this stunt because the fucking comp the hardware store were pieces of shit.

Yeah.

So he's like, fuck it, let's go get what we can get.

But I got like a

fucking safe.

I bought like

a bunch of mag flashlights, like those cops.

Oh, the big ones.

Yeah.

I got like four of them, sons of bitches.

That's nice.

Yeah.

It was fucking sick.

I got a bunch of cool stuff.

But no cat.

You rolled up with nothing in your pocket.

Nope.

I bought one of those assassin cases, those like metal, you know, like the silver suitcases.

Oh, yeah.

I just got one of those, and I kept my

BB gun in it.

Hell yeah.

If you went in my closet when I was in high school, you'd just find one of those and like undo it.

And

it looked like a real handgun.

It was like one of those.

It was one of the ones that the CO2 powered BB guns.

I mean,

you fucking shoot someone with that.

Oh, yeah.

It's piercing the skin.

Definitely.

Like we'd shoot the fence out back and you'd be like, I don't think we can play with this one.

Because this is my same friend that had a paintball gun and we would just in his backyard run.

You know, it's not that big of a backyard, and you just run from side to side, and we'd just shoot each other with paintballs.

But he was so good that he would, I would wear shorts and he would hit me on the

he knew how to lead you.

Yeah,

I'd go, stop!

And he'd be like, Stop it!

And I'd fucking welt on my legs for fucking two weeks.

Damn, dude, Myrtle's a slut.

She's out here getting pets everywhere.

Aiden McCluskey is fucking hilarious.

You have a website?

Yeah, it's AIDSman.net.

It's AIDS.

AIDS Man?

Yeah, dot net.

AIDSman.net might be the best website.

Honestly, I wasn't setting that up knowing that was going to pay off that well.

Go to AIDSman.net.

Yeah.

Aiden's going to be out on the road.

You know, we got the Golden Retriever tour.

Tickets are on dansoder.com.

Buy a ticket to his show.

Aiden might be a part of the show.

Yeah.

I'm going to bring him out on a bunch of shows.

And, you know, so go to AIDSman.net.

Go to danso.com.

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