89: Daddy Pain with Yannis Pappas | Soder Podcast | EP 87

Woo buddy, end of July.

July 31st, my first time ever to Portland, Maine.

I'm going to beat the Empire Comedy Club July 31st, August 1st, and August 2nd.

Virginia,

I'm coming back.

Funnybone in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

That is July 18th and 19th, four shows.

Dansoder.com.

Phoenix, Arizona, September 5th and 6th.

Monsoon season will hit.

It'll be nice and...

cooled down at night.

So come on out to Stand Up Live September 5th and 6th for four shows.

DanceOder.com.

Go get your tickets.

See you there.

Los Angeles, September 25th, the United Theater.

Wilmington, North Carolina.

I haven't been back to Dead Crow Comedy Club in years.

There's been some storms.

There's been some floods.

There's a new location.

Well, guess what, baby?

In August, I will see you, Wilmington, at the Dead Crow Comedy Club.

I'm going to be there August 14th, 15th, and 16th.

Five shows.

Dead Crow Comedy Club.

What a great club.

I'm very excited to come back.

Dancerder.com for tickets.

How else can I entice you?

You don't want to see me with my shirt off.

That's gross.

How about just a good show?

How about I promise you a good show?

I'll see you at the Dead Crow.

I'm a massive Knicks fan.

And then I was so let down.

Well, pain.

It was like

a toxic relationship.

The best part of sports is the pain.

It was too bad.

This is, I'm not from San Francisco.

My dead father is from there, and I wear a hat with his city on my head.

To connect to him.

Just that pain.

All sports is pain.

It's pain.

And I just go like, Daddy, and I put it on.

He didn't see me now.

I learned that.

So one man's show shit.

Daddy.

Daddy.

See me standing here.

No, dude.

If we changed the name of sports to Daddy Payne, it would make so much more sense.

It's just fucking...

Daddy Payne!

Daddy, Daddy!

We did it!

We did it!

Anytime you see a sports celebration, it's going, Daddy!

So you, so that was the, that's why you left the Knicks?

Because it hurt?

It was too painful, man.

That's the best part.

I was out after that.

That's the stomping on the balls where you're like, oh, yes, Mistress.

Yeah.

Oh, and then sports, because you're a little maggot.

You go, spit my mouth.

You're right.

I should have stuck around, but I just couldn't tell with that.

I couldn't tell that.

It was too much pain in the 90s.

Yeah.

And then there's a lot of...

Almost.

Every time, almost.

Pump fakes.

Was it Charles?

Reggie Miller.

Yeah.

Pump fakes.

John Starks.

The pump fake was

Charles Oakley.

No.

It's very...

It sucks.

When sports goes bad,

it sucks.

But that's why you stick around.

This is the best thing about ChatGPT.

Who was Nick who got blocked repeatedly?

I like that you're pro ChatGBT.

I'm pro it, man.

What are you, robot phobic?

Yeah.

What are you, robophobic?

I'm a robophobe.

I'm a robophobe.

I'm a big-time robophobe.

I'm going to stay.

I know they're recording me right now, and they have all my info in ones and zeros.

Privacy's over.

Oh, well, privacy has been over since MySpace.

Charles Smith.

Charles Smith.

You know what?

I'm noticing you're talking about privacy.

Yeah.

Is it me or Paparazzi has taken a hit?

No one gives a shit about Paparazzi.

Papa, papa, papa, paparazzi.

Yeah, they're, no, no, but just, it's, dude, it's robots and comedians.

That's what, let's, we should roll.

It's robots.

Oh, we've been rolling.

Oh, we're rolling?

Oh, daddy paying.

Oh, yeah.

Daddy!

Daddy Payne is on there.

Dude.

You think we're going to let Daddy Payne be a B-side?

Thank you.

Yeah.

Daddy!

Every time I put it on a hat is whores, robots, comedians.

Comedians are journalists.

Comedians are fucking

big piece.

Comedians are fucking...

We're doing it all.

Just watching whenever...

One time I did bar four

and I brought a girl that I was trying to date and I wore my glasses before I got LASIC.

You told the story in the last time I was on it.

It just makes me laugh every time because that's the same energy that all comics have now is that we're like sit down for the warm.

What's going on?

What's really going on?

I didn't know if you were going to have me on here because I'm not running for an elected position.

I mean, I would prefer if you did.

Yeah.

Let's announce it together.

Hey guys, I'm running for City Council.

City Council.

My name's Giannis Pappas.

Me and Sagalo were doing like the hard-hitting, the people who really run the city, you know, being like here at the Pipe Fitters Union.

Are you talking about the Jews?

Yeah.

Well, I'm just trying to be current.

I wasn't trying to get the zeitgeist.

I'm going a layer up.

I was going with the i was i was going gays let's go with the italians oh yeah italians yeah yeah who think they run the city but they're being controlled by the gays

no i'm joking i don't believe

your apology was jewish sorry i'm just listening yeah i got ahead of myself yeah was it the i'm sorry you apologized i was making fun of the jews i didn't mean it and now i apologize i'm sorry

dude yeah that's also the biggest thing is comics think that we can be everything, but we're also giant pussies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We don't.

Rappers want the smoke.

Yeah, we don't want that smoke.

Everyone goes, oh, but I like him.

No, yeah.

But I like him.

Yeah, yeah.

But dude,

no, but seriously, he's a good guy.

But now I like it.

Sport pain is the best pain.

So I'm glad you're back.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a Nick fan again.

And it hurt, but it, you know, it's like, I'm back in, but it's total bandwagon, so I feel ashamed.

No.

I feel ashamed.

It's a bandwagon jump.

But leading, saying that even, saying you're a bandwagon fan, does more for you with sports fans than anything.

It's like admitting to skateboarders, you don't know how to, you're like, I'm a poser, and they go like, I'll teach you how to Ollie.

Well, I'm going to admit something on this podcast, and judge me if you want, and if you just judge me, whatever.

The truth is,

I started rooting for teams that had at least one white guy on the team.

I don't know why that happened.

I'm not a racist.

I went to the house.

You're not honest?

I don't know why that happened.

Because it's the same reason why you underdog stuff, I think.

Sure.

But it's also the same reason why you don't watch a black guy in a porno.

Right.

Because you're not, unless you're super into that.

Because you're thinking maybe I could have done what John Stockton did.

I could have done what Jeff Hornet.

You go like, I know I can't pound ass like Johnny Sins.

But just the thought that I'd be in the room,

it's why this is the whole argument for the Black Panther franchise.

Little black kids need a superhero to look forward to.

You need a Slavic power forward.

Or John Stockton at the time.

Or John Stonton.

Oh, you're the one.

I went to the jazz.

God, you went real white.

I went to the jazz.

Yeah, I went to Jazz.

Kids now have Euro white.

I feel bad.

They're not getting all-American.

Don't take the vaccine until we got Cooper.

Cooper flag.

I think he's double white.

He's from Maine.

Oh, yeah.

His name is Cooper.

He's from Maine.

Oh, my God.

And his name's Cooper.

We're going to find out he was made in a lab by Miracle Whit.

It might have been.

They're like, we're going to make the whitest thing possible.

They might have just been watching the finals and said, we've had enough of this.

They go, what is all the hopping and the jumping?

We've just had enough.

Cooper.

We need, yeah, one.

He still looks like a little boy, though.

He dragged what?

He looks like he runs up and is asking if he can have a soda after he played a game.

He's like, can you see me play?

I scored 32.

Can I have a soda?

And he drinks it with both hands.

But he is like 18.

He's like, dude, he's like,

I think he did one year.

He did one year.

Yeah.

And he came in at 17.

He came in at 17.

So I think he's legit 18.

But when they played with him.

He's not ready for NBA hose.

He's not ready for the hoes, but he's ready for the comp.

When they played the Olympic team, he was, I mean, he was killing them.

He ain't ready for them hoes.

He ain't ready for them hoes.

Those hoes are going to rip Cooper Flag apart.

He's going to be...

cornered and fucking they're going to pull him apart with horses imagine it just all falls apart just because of the hoes just a big booty he's never had a big booty latina he's from maine maine he doesn't even know that exists yeah he's just like his people are fishing it's like gonna be it's like when you give a little kid soda for the first time you're like yeah you know when they do like the face and then they like it and then the second scept though he's like oh i'm lost i'm he's like yo i'm i'm not cooper i'm coop coop call me coop from now on

call me coop he's got two fucking big dominican yeah dominican ladies fur coat chain she's like this hot poppy yeah and he's like sorry did i told tooth right there he's just addicted to

yeah she's like i can't stop fucking.

Isn't that what happened to that BYU quarterback, Zach Wilson?

He's on the Dolphins now.

He was drafted by the Jets.

He was super good looking.

And then they found out this dude's just running through pussy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then the NFL, pro sports, very bad to be a sex addict in.

It's tough, but you know what?

You should be able to keep it in check is knowing that social media is out there.

Dude,

Fred Favre has a whole documentary about a dick pic.

Oh, a dick pic.

It's a dick pic.

Oh, a dick pic.

That would have have been in the news.

I feel, this is the only time I'll ever say, as a 49-year fan, as the only time I'll ever feel bad for Brett Favre, that dick pic thing would have been

a story for a Tuesday in 2025.

Yes.

And they're doing a five-parter on it.

That's the point.

That's what I felt too.

I'm going like, dude.

Give me this documentary five years ago.

You want me to care about this?

Now, first of all, he's retired.

Second of all, we're like this close to World War III.

I'm not going, Brett Favre's the best.

A guy with brain damage is trying to show his dick.

i mean they're burning rubbish old cars in los angeles and you want me to care about brett faves penis and also you have a special needs brother you know the more damage to your brain the more you like playing with your dink

so of course he fucking of course he's showing it yeah it's like that that was actually that was actually in in the world of of uh mental of being mentally handicapped yeah that was a nice move

He was going,

this is my dink.

This is what I play with all the time.

And then she went oh my fucking god yeah that sucks to have a documentary talk about a miss of a dick pick and i heard that chick's doing comedy now she has been for a while so she's been i mean one time she went up after me at gotham is she funny

okay

we're communicating telepathically and what i can gather from that is she's mid

oh my god i would wish for that

it it i mean if you're brett favre you're like damn that's the one interception I wish I could get back.

Yeah, yeah.

He just threw that down through.

Did you send a soft DP too?

Dog.

He sent it to me.

I hate to make Pimp do this.

Can you look it up?

Because also, I remember it being a little weird looking.

Yeah, and that is a CTE move to forget to chub it up before you send it.

Also, to dress it a little.

Yeah.

Make it.

This is a, this is, um,

what were those pictures at the mall where everything looked like through a filter?

Those, you know, like.

I didn't grow up with mall culture.

Oh, you did it?

No.

What are those?

People are screaming at the, at the,

I know they're screaming at the screen right now.

Glamour shots.

Glamour shots.

You don't know glamour shots?

Oh, oh, you mean like, yeah, like back in the 80s and 90s.

At like Siemens or whatever those are.

Or you go Sears or whatever.

Fucking,

you know, JC Penny.

Yeah.

And they just do a filt.

It was before filters.

Yeah.

They could put a filter on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Either that is CTE or the height of arrogance to just throw out a salt

down into the right.

Yeah, I mean, if that's hard, I mean, Jesus Christ.

It looks like it's taking some hits, though.

No, yeah.

Damn.

And if I were a Packer fan, if you're a Packer fan and you're watching this, you're like, get it off the damn screen.

Everybody has a bad day.

Stop it.

Brett Favre brought us the Super Bowl in 1996.

He's going to leave that boy alone.

Just, I don't care if he rips off the blacks in Mississippi.

I love how he's just presenting the dick.

He goes, ta-da.

Dude, I would have, you got to work that thing up, brother.

Yeah.

He's got to get a good angle, dude.

Dude, you have to have it.

Yeah.

Ready to go.

You don't just snap one off and send it.

When you said it a dick pic, it's like bodybuilders, when they pump.

Yeah, you got to fucking do 10 push-ups before you open the door.

Yeah.

I need to see your pump process before you're out here displaying it.

When you said a dick pic, you got to be like a girl with her girlfriend's taking a picture somewhere at a restaurant where you got to take 20 shots.

You could just send one.

That just looked like one snap and send.

Yeah.

Well, that was how he read defenses a lot of the time.

That's a good point.

He had just got like...

He did throw it up there.

He's down there.

Interception fuck.

Fuck.

Well, they'll tackle him.

That is true.

Good point.

That's just how his mind works.

Yeah.

He just fires, dude.

It's what made him a Hall of Famer.

It's actually fucking, if that joke was told at the time that this happened,

I mean, that would have been like the most viral moment.

That is so funny.

I bet you could find that on Twitter.

I bet someone had that back when Twitter was, when it worked.

Maybe.

I don't know.

I doubt that.

Back before the ketamine lord lord melted down.

I think we would have heard that one because I don't, because there was a lot of jokes floating around.

Everyone was just talking about how small his dick was.

Nah, man.

But nobody talked about how careless.

He just fucking fires it.

Brett.

Yeah.

Take a read.

Yeah.

Check down, my friend.

He just closes his eyes.

There you go, Daddy.

That was, though, say what you will.

I know, you know, Brett Hart, Brett Farret might not be a good dude, but man, the Monday Night Football game after his dad died and he went out against the Raiders and threw like fucking three and was just doing that.

Was just like, I'm throwing it to you daddy

do you see me Taddy Pay Taddy

Pay Tad

dude sports suck for that reason when it hurts it hurts were you super bummed when they lost the pacers even as a bandwagon fan uh no because i'm i'm emotionally not all in yet oh you're like a stripper i got i got one foot yeah as a stripper yeah songs over songs over baby

i'm sorry who are you i'm on I'm at the job.

Yeah, my friends are all fucking in the dumps.

Ferzey's in the dumps.

Versey's like.

He's the Knicks first.

Ferzey's in the dumps.

Yeah.

And I got to pretend like I'm more hurt than I am because he's such a Nick fan.

He like, I wanted to watch all the games with him because we, you know, we're friends.

And I was like, you guys live close?

Yeah, we live close.

I was like, can I come over?

And he was real trepidatious with me because he knew that I wasn't, he only wanted to be with Nick fans.

And him and his son are crazy.

So I had to kind of pretend to be more into it than I was.

Yeah, he's like,

I was going like, damn.

But I was really just enjoying the game.

Oh, nuts.

Yeah.

Timothy Chalaman.

Chalaman?

Yeah,

yeah.

Kendall's doing something different with her hair.

At first, he's like, you don't understand, bro.

It's the fucking paces.

And you're like,

cat, cat can't play fucking broomery.

But I'm in.

I'm in.

You know what it is?

He was like an old head in a gang, and he had to give that conversation where he's like, you ain't about this life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He had to talk to you.

He's like, stay in school.

Young brother, you're making us believe in the community.

This is for you.

This ain't for you.

This is that conversation.

You ain't built for this.

Nah, man, I love ragging and doing hood rat shit.

And he's like, nah, young brother, your weapon is your mind.

That talk with you.

And you're like, okay, I get it.

Because, dude, people want to watch 49 Iron games with me.

And I'm like, yeah, it's just, sorry.

It's too much.

Yeah.

I know how it is when you're a diehard fan.

Yeah, it's just too much.

It's too much.

I'm too much.

Yeah, I'm that way about the Giants and the Yankees.

Okay.

So I'm still about that with the Giants and the Yankees.

And the Giants have, the Giants has been that pain.

It's been a horrible pain.

So when it returns, it's horrible pain.

It's Atkin,

the return of it.

I know some people don't like sports, but we're trying to make this as human as possible.

Yeah.

Welcome to Barstool.

I go, and another thing, bro.

If you're not fucking hitting your parlays, you're a fucking pussy.

When they get good again,

it feels like when a family member gets sober.

where you go like

yeah hey yeah it's the prodigal son you go it's prodigal son i really fucking missed you yeah yeah yeah and then he goes i know it was a couple bad years there and you go it was really fucking bad i kept the night light out every night every night no when you retired i kept it do you want me to make i didn't change a thing about your room do you want me to make you some buttered noodles you're back

it's very true yeah and then they're good again and then when they get bad after that you

it is like a family member falling off the wagon you go i can't talk to you right now

That's what you do with the Knicks.

You're like, this hurts too much.

For my own sake, I need to separate it.

Yeah, it's just, I can't enable, I can't enable this toxic relationship.

It's too much daddy pain.

That's what happened to me with the Knicks.

I was enabling a toxic relationship.

It was so painful, so frustrating.

There was a period in Knicks

where it was like the GM moves, it was almost like they were trying to lose on purpose.

Yeah.

There we go.

It started with like Rolando Black.

You're trying to get caught.

I had a joke.

You're like leaving your phone open.

Yeah.

And it's like sex.

And you're like, why are you doing this to me?

Dude, it was a point where the Knicks were like the Statue of Liberty.

They were like, give us your tired, you're hungry, you're fucking hurt.

You're old.

I mean, it was like Keith Van Hoard, Rolando Blackman, Larry Johnson.

That was the first one after his back surgery.

It was like...

That wasn't Grandma Ma anymore.

Almari Stadamar after like he couldn't jump anymore.

He still played pretty well, but I was like, it was, it was a terrible period.

It's hard watching your sports team go straight.

And then everyone they traded ended up being on a playoff team.

You're like, every single ex-Nick that they got rid of ended ended up being on a fucking playoff team.

Losing is an addiction.

Yeah.

And you watch them get addicted and you go, stop.

Change your life around.

But when it's good, baby.

When it's good, it's good.

Probably the two best nights of my life were those Giants victories in the Super Bowl.

Oh, I literally the two best nights of my life.

And you have two daughters.

I got two daughters.

Yeah, it's up there.

I literally the two best nights of my life.

And you have two daughters.

I got two daughters.

Yeah, it's up there.

And you have two people that have been born from your loins.

Yeah, and if someone asked me to trade it, I'd be like, oh, I just remember that catch, that David Tyree catch.

It was like.

See, I would, opposite, same subject, opposite thing, going, watching the 49ers lose the Super Bowl sucked.

It felt like walking in on getting cheated on.

You like open the door and you go, no, no,

no.

And then you just think the whole walk down the staircase.

Like,

the fuck did I just watch?

Yeah, yeah.

That must have been tough.

It's worse.

It's worse getting closer, I think.

And that's what traumatized me about the Knicks.

Did I tell you?

It was so close.

You know, Dan Campbell, the coach for the Lions?

Yeah.

The Guards.

Yeah, I fucking knew it.

He was like, we're eating kneecaps.

I fucking love them.

I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast.

If I have, maybe you can edit it out.

But after the 49ers,

when they beat the Lions to go to the Super Bowl two years ago,

Shane was doing stuff for Bud Light.

And he's like, you can stay.

I got two beds in my hotel.

You can stay in my hotel room, which is half the battle for the Super Bowl.

I'm just going to say, Shane, buy him a fucking hotel room.

He did.

He ended up giving me the hotel room.

Buy him a hotel.

He ended up giving me, he ended up getting a, Bud Light got him a whole other room, which was sick.

And then Michael Che got a Super Bowl ticket through NBC.

So Che's a 49ers fan.

So we went to the Super Bowl and it was fucking incredible.

But then you lose and you're like, why the fuck am I here?

right it's like going to a funeral and then you're in Vegas yeah so it's just like ding ling ding ling ling and you're just like leave me the fuck alone did you look at a bar and see like a cold Micheloblad and you went turn around

every now and then I get a little bit

it's it was like the shining or they're like we've been waiting for you Dan and I go 12

long years

Give me a James.

And they're like, yeah, I did.

What was his name?

Carl?

Oh, fuck.

The bartender?

I don't know.

His His name is different in the book than the movie.

I think it was Carl.

Best damn bartender in the entire world right here.

Yeah, dude.

It was like going and watching that.

Oh, but the reason I tell the story is, so I go, I fly to Vegas and I land at the airport and I get off the plane and Dan Campbell.

In Vegas, you go down these giant escalators to go to these trains to go wherever you're going.

So I come down the escalator.

I'm by myself because I got a coffee.

And I'm like, is that fucking Dan Campbell, the head coach of of the Lions, who the 49ers just beat?

I just wanted to walk up to him and go, like, I think you're incredible.

Great season.

Didn't know what I really was going to say.

All I know is that when I got close to him, I could tell him and his wife were in an argument.

Oh, that's so funny.

And you just immediately bail.

Because by the way, it wasn't like a fight.

It was like them going, I don't know where the train is.

You just know the tone.

Where he goes, I've been upset at my wife traveling too.

He goes, I don't know.

Cause if I knew where it was, I wouldn't fucking go down there.

Just watching me switch my suitcase.

Yeah.

Nope.

That would have been funny to watch him switch, though.

Yeah, him going like.

He'd be like, fuck it.

Because if I wouldn't have known, thank you, sister.

Thanks.

Thank you, brother.

Thanks.

We all.

Anyway, you bitch.

Stop.

Shut the fuck up.

Thank you, brother.

Thank you, brother.

Appreciate it.

Great seeing you.

Yeah, great to see you.

Good luck to you guys in the Super Bowl.

Yeah.

Because I said I was going to pick Cynthia up and she was going to fucking call me.

Yeah, dude.

Having that spill out.

Because you live in the burbs now.

I live in the country.

So people, when they see you guys it's always like you're show ready like i feel like in the city people see you in very funny yeah i know you've had situations in the city you're like dude i saw a dance order look like he's going to rough and you're like yeah i was having a bad day and i went to walk walked by cereal across the street or you just when you go to a spot you just like you're like i live right there i'm just rolling out i'll roll back

i'm laying here watching an x file i'm like dude i put cologne on now yeah you guys all get like i'm going out in the city yeah you guys get picture you guys get picture ready.

Yeah, yeah.

You, Brittany, the girls, everybody gets like picture.

Yeah, we're going to this.

I know what it's like now to be like a tunnel, a bridge and tunnel guy.

Wow.

Because I used to be, everyone makes fun of them.

I'm like, look, they go put cologne on, they get ready.

I'm like, it's fucking special, dude.

They live in New Jersey.

They're coming to the city.

Whoa.

Yeah.

And they go, we're going to the city.

But then they come here and you just go, hey, I want out.

Yeah.

Help me.

Yeah.

Everything is tight.

They're like, it's yeah.

Everything is so tight here.

Too many stores.

Yeah.

Well, I wish.

I wish there were stores still open.

But, you know.

Yeah, I mean, it's different.

It's totally different.

How relaxing.

And I talk about that in the special called Property Owner.

Oh, yeah.

I don't do good at plugs.

No, but it's fine.

It's better organically.

Yeah.

Click the link down below for, down below, for Yannis's special.

Yeah, thanks.

Click it.

It's out now.

But

it's a different thing.

Like you come to the city, the things that you were used to in the city, do you notice it?

Of course I do.

Of course I do.

Do you ever, when you get mad, do you ever bring it up?

Do you ever go, you're living in a fucking city where you have to deal with this shit?

Yes, I do.

Yeah.

I love suburban anger.

It's always the life I could have had.

And I also keep an apartment just to fucking.

Oh, yeah.

You got to hold something over their head.

You're getting married.

You have to hold something over their head.

It's got to be a pet to terror

and never get your ball snipped.

Yeah.

Ari did it.

I don't understand why he did it.

I was going to, I think I might do it.

Don't do it.

Why?

Because you need, I know you're one of these, like we love each other but everything's a power diet listen yeah also heaven forbid anything would ever happen to her yeah i'm gonna go out there and cream pie central and i'm not trying to be bob marley good point i'm just saying

are you kidding me the only question i go do you have herpes right

and i go sick oh dude there comes an age where that's not stopping me either yeah but then i if i'm 55 and some 30 year old goes herpes i'm like Let's spin the wheel.

Yeah, but then I got, then I got the magnolia ending where I'm in a hospital bed and some guy's like, I fucking hate you and I go I didn't even know you were alive

My the love of my life passed away tragically and then I just bagged your mom.

You don't want that.

Yeah, yeah

Here's the thing.

I feel like

So what if someone wants to get snipped who gives a fuck?

I'm just saying well I get it right, but I'm sick because he doesn't have kids if you have a kids in a family

The women know they there's a certain thing.

They start talking to you a certain way.

Yeah.

Especially if they know you're a good guy.

They know you're not going to leave because you love your kids.

Yeah.

Because you are a good person.

You're a good person and you love your kids.

Which, by the way, you do love your kids.

I love my kids.

I really am.

I'm doing a bit about this, but I am seriously sick of everyone that has kids going.

It's a love you'll never know.

You'll never know it.

I've seen enough of humanity to know you're lying.

Maybe you do.

Great.

It's so great, Dan.

Let me tell you sunrise on your face.

It's a feeling you can't explain unless I've been through it.

And then I fucking meet somebody who goes, my dad fucked me till I was nine.

and you go okay so that's not a love you'll never yeah that's a love I'll never know that I don't want to fucking know

and your kid yeah it's not it's not universal it's not a universal everyone acts like that yeah like Bobby Lewis and List on the regs will always be like it's a love you never know you go One of your kids might shoot up a school.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I gotta watch you guys, and we all know who.

But then you're gonna fucking.

You mean it's a love, it's a love you'll never know like your parents had for you.

That's why you're doing comedy.

Oh, yeah.

look at each clowning around I'm out here verbally showing my asshole once a week just so people come see me live yeah yeah

stop with this fucking it makes everybody granted there are phenomenal you're a good parent you love your fucking kids and I have friends that are it's a love you'll never know

but you know what love's not the word no love doesn't encapsulate what it is it's so and I'm so happy for you yeah I also can't smell why don't you tell me what a bouquet of flowers smells like

no I lost it during COVID and it's still fine.

Still good?

Yeah, I'd have to do exercises.

And those are gay.

But you know, let's be honest, dude.

You lose your smell during COVID.

If you're not eating the pussy twice as much.

Yeah, I mean, I should.

We should be into shit play by now.

Yeah, I mean, it should be.

You should walk in on me going, yeah.

Yeah.

Like, what is that?

I go, I can't smell nothing.

That would be the benefit for me.

I play chest hair treasures where I put her dump in my chest hair and then I pick out little small.

I'd get it.

If that happened to me and I lost my smell completely, I'd have a nickname by now.

But they'd have a nick they'd be calling they'd be calling me a fucking they'd be calling yanni the hippo

in there you go do you understand you can stay submerged yeah you can breathe underwater i am a crocodile but i don't that's what she sends me in for the things where she's like because she has a very sensitive sense of smell right and she'll be like what about you and i'll be like you know the scene in force gump where they give him the two guns and he goes in the hole in vietnam

that's just me on everything she's like can you go do that i'm like i'm going i can't smell nothing digging up dog shit with your hands what what what Throwing it at her pointfully?

So you have no smell.

That means you have no taste.

Very dull.

Holy shit.

I can still taste stuff, though.

Yeah.

Like, it's weird when I don't like something now because now I don't trust it.

I'm like, do I really taste it?

But I can, a lot of hot sauce.

Yeah.

A lot of hot sauce.

Well, things are happening to you that is at least catching up to your look.

Oh, yeah.

Because you look,

when you were 20, I met you in your early 20s.

23.

And you looked 50.

Yeah.

I lived it.

Because you look like one of you, like we've talked about this.

You look like a frontiersman.

Yeah.

Because you have the genes of a frontiersman.

I didn't use lotion.

Yeah.

And I lived at an altitude and I abused substance.

Yeah.

I expect you to have like a shoulder that doesn't work anymore.

No smell.

Yeah.

Something that goes like, well, I lost the big toe back in the gold rush of 76.

Yeah.

Dude, I

there was this movie that brought you.

It almost looks like you have scar tissue on your eyes.

Like you were a fighter, yeah.

I mean, I do right here.

Yeah.

Because I fell when I was drunk.

You just have have a look like you got attacked by a dog or been through some shit.

Yeah.

I auditioned for.

Handsome and rugged.

Well, thank you.

Yeah.

I auditioned for.

Well, thank you.

A compliment always feels good, doesn't it?

Especially when you're in a long-term relationship.

They feel great.

Yeah.

I get nudged.

Yeah, most men don't want to cheat.

We just want women to go, I'd fuck you.

And you go, just say something nice.

I would never cheat on her.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Just look at you and go, you're going to be a good one.

I could never lose her, but thank you.

I auditioned for this movie Brian Koppelman directed called Solitary Man, or he wrote about with Michael Douglas.

And I went into audition and it was supposed to be for like a college kid.

And I was 23 or 24 at the time.

And I went in because Koppelman called me.

He's like, listen, it's a movie.

I don't expect you to get the role.

We're buddies.

This is a good thing for you to learn how to do is audition in front of a big casting director.

So I learned the role.

I went in and I did it.

And they liked me.

And she was like, oh, you know, I want to kind of see him again again or whatever.

And then I never heard from him.

That's like a typical audition.

But Cobbleman, because it's his movie, he call me back and they go, yeah, they said you're way too weathered to play a college kid.

And I was maybe a year out of college.

And like Sam Elliott was trying to play a fucking breakfast club.

He's like, you want to know what my father told me?

Keep smoking.

Like, it was wild.

It hurt.

I remember where it was.

We were playing basketball in Queens.

And they called me and he's like, yeah, they said you look old.

Yeah.

You're like, oh, I was smoking a cigarette.

I was like, well, goddamn.

Well, goddamn, right?

Yeah.

Some people just like, yeah, they appear or they present older or younger.

Yeah.

I like, I like catching up to, it's the way that I see.

I knew you were 21, but I knew what you had been through as 46.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Remember when we sat there?

And then you told me your stories and I'm like, oh, yeah.

This guy's got a couple of boo-boos.

We were sitting, drinking at CBs upstairs.

Yeah.

I don't know if, did I tell the story the last time you were on on the podcast?

We're sitting at CB's drinking Stellas and whiskey, and I finished my drink and took a shot.

I've had to have told the story with you on a podcast before because it's such a big moment in my life where you go, oh, you need therapy.

And you were the first person in my life to go, try therapy as an adult.

Yeah.

And I was like, was that at CB's?

Yeah, it was upstairs.

Yeah.

And we were drinking.

Yeah.

And you go, you know the difference between me and you?

Yeah.

I can walk away from this beer half finished and go home.

Did I say that to you?

And I go, and the second you walked outside, I'd finish your beer.

And you go, yeah, you need therapy.

Yeah.

I remember the night, I probably told this, but I remember the night where I wasn't, where I said, I made the decision I was going to say something.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't think you've ever said that before.

I don't think I've said it, but I remember the night I was going to say something.

What was it?

I swear to God, it was cabin.

Yeah.

It was.

Kicking open the door while you were pissing.

Kid came to the door and I was pissing, and he puked blood, and then you went out and did the worm with no shirt on.

I don't remember that.

Yeah.

Don't remember that.

You did the worm with your shirt on that disgusting floor because I used to laugh about it.

I don't think I take my shirt off though.

That doesn't sound like me.

I probably have my shirt off.

Maybe you had your shirt on.

Brother, to take my shirt off.

You took your shirt off at the Laker Awards, I think.

Nope.

No?

No, I kept the Queens of the Stone Age shirt on under my button out.

Somebody took their shirt off.

Graham.

Graham K.

That's right.

He has a great job.

It's a great body.

Yeah.

No, I don't know.

I was never a popper shirt off.

But it was that night where.

I'm actually always impressed with that.

Bert, I'm always like, dude, you can take your shirt off everywhere.

Yeah.

I can't take my my shirt.

You know how hard it is for me to take my shirt off around my future wife?

I think he, in his mind, thinks it's like, I don't know.

I think he has an allergy to it.

Yeah.

He's got an urinal itch.

But I don't.

Do you think he thinks people are going to get disappointed if he keeps it on?

I don't know.

I think he should go opposite and just wear heavy winter coats.

Just go full opposite.

Just switch it up on all these hoes.

But I remember kicking the door open and

you were pissing.

Yeah.

And I went around you.

You You went around me like it was an emergency.

You had to throw up and you threw up blood and then, yeah.

And you were like, oh, it's a little blood.

And then you went back out and just

and I was like, oh, at some point I was like, I'm going to say something.

Yeah, that was a bad night.

Yeah.

I waited tables the next morning.

Yeah.

I brought people Mexican food at 11 a.m.

Cause I had a hunch.

I was like, you know, he's way too funny.

This could be bad.

Yeah.

Dog, when other people.

Yeah.

There's been.

And also when we spoke, you were like, yeah, my dad, my mom.

Yeah.

Cirrosa deliver.

I'm like,

we don't do it it's like you had a ticket it's like you had a ticket yeah on a plane you know just going to death yeah and like you were you know and you're you know you don't have to get on that plane

you don't have to leave oh yo i got a first class seat

i don't know if you know this yeah yeah i got room yeah i got comfort plus i got delta one i'm gonna lay down they're gonna let me board a little early if you know what i mean yeah there it was weird to see like which people but credit to you to fucking do something about it yeah there was a whole era where all a bunch of guys listen well list was the reason I did it.

Yeah.

I don't think Nate drinks anymore.

No, he doesn't.

I wouldn't have done it without List.

Yeah.

Like, List doesn't get enough credit.

Yeah.

Because List quit and all my friends would quit drinking.

Because I had tried.

I had tried quitting for years.

I'd try for a little bit and then it'd be like something small like Sean Donnelly's birthday party or like Joe DeRosa's playing pool.

And I'd be like, well, it looks like I'm going to go get blacked out.

Joe DeRosa's playing pool.

I'd just find an excuse to drink.

Yeah.

You're like, it's what?

It's a part.

It's a bunch of people.

It's because everybody's pool.

I got my pool and there's pictures of beer and I'm going to do shots of rail whiskey.

But it was one of those things where all my friends that quit drinking were always like, it sucks.

All you want to do is drink every day.

And I was just like, man, this sounds like it sucks.

And Joe List was the first person that was like, it.

rules.

Yeah.

I love not drinking.

And my life is so much better.

Because he had already been like six to eight months.

Oh, because he got banged up on booze.

Brother, he was way worse than me.

Fell through a table, shit in his pants.

Best story of all time.

Yeah.

I mean, he's got some scars.

He fell asleep on a train.

He's done it all.

That boy could fly.

If anyone doubts Jolis could go, I'm just letting you know.

That's what's fun now is seeing like the guys that like,

I feel like a retired boxer.

Yeah.

And so like, you know, Shane will be like, it's like when they used to do like Tyson versus Ali.

Yeah.

Like, who would drink Tyson Ali?

And Shane's like, oh, I wish he was still there.

But I still take my pictures.

Like, I'm like,

you're like, Ali, like this.

Yeah, you come to my steakhouse and they go, good to see you, Champ.

And they go, he took a lot of hits.

Just alcohol.

Hey,

do you remember

in 1999 when you got blacked out at your friend Danny's hope?

I'm like,

it is.

It's just like tough to watch.

You're like, oh, fuck.

God, one of my favorite bits is Stanhope, Jake LaMata.

You ever hear that?

It's the best.

I mean, it makes me laugh.

And And it does the whole thing.

Stanhope's a guy where if you were to take a comic and be like, who is the most stand-up comic?

Who is the quintessential stand-up comedian?

Lifestyle, jokes, everything.

Well, I.

Doug Stanoop.

There was a period where I was going to see him a lot.

Like, I went and saw him a lot because he did that special no refunds here at Gotham.

I was like, yeah.

So I was like, I saw him like four times.

And it was either like the greatest thing you've ever seen or just a shit show but that was also that was him but when i we did a show in syracuse and i opened for him i was dating jesse may and it was jesse may me and him and it was just i gotta say like the best yeah the best guy i ever seen on stage stanhope patrice when i saw those guys lives i was like that's the best if you get the temperature right yeah if you get the temperature right it's the best thing if he had the right cocktail or whatever it is dude if you caught him on like maybe like a friday early show and he had had a couple yeah you're gonna you're gonna watch like those carolines shows where he'd come you just stay in the back and you're like this guy joe list said it's the best hour of stand-up he's ever seen was standing up at carolines i think i think the best i saw was of hour stand-up was syracuse see i would say the best hour of stand-up and we saw the show together also at carolines yeah me you and nate yeah sat on that back wall and watched bird yeah and i remember the thing that we all said was we looked at our

phones after the thing and we were like that was an hour 10 and it felt like 15 minutes yeah yeah, that was the one where the black guy got up and he was like, Sir, could you please not go to the bathroom during the racially sensitive material?

I remember that, yeah.

And then the guy's leaving, and he goes, Great.

Now, this guy's dictating my whole fucking set.

Yeah, yeah, because now I'm worried he's going to walk back in, and I'm going to be like, I didn't vote for Obama.

He's going to miss the whole setup.

Yeah, and then he was talking about quitting drinking, and the guy goes, Rehab is for quitters.

And he goes, Oh, no, you're real, you're like a fucking boardwalk shirt funny.

Yeah, he's like, That had the man the legend.

I remember him going off, and me and you and Nate standing back being being like, yeah, he was

crazy.

He just got phenomenal.

Louis Carolines in general, I saw probably all my I never saw him live do a long set.

Yeah, dude, I saw Louie do a fundraiser for his school.

But he's the guy that makes me laugh the most.

Louie?

Louie, yeah.

Yeah, I watched Louie do a fundraiser for his kids' school.

Yeah.

Back in the day, like 08.

Fucking.

You're like, I'm going to quit.

I'm never even going to come close to doing any of this.

08 was like season one, in between season one and two of Louie.

Yeah.

And he was like the biggest.

Yeah.

Well, he was already rolling.

He did shameless.

2006 was like

shameless.

Yeah.

And then 07 or 08 was chewed up.

And that was the hour where I was watching him go around the city, just hurt motherfuckers.

Yeah.

Just be on stage.

Because that was when he had the joke when girls go crazy, when girls go wild, they show their tits.

When women go wild, they drown their kids in a bathtub.

And that was when he's like, I want a woman with muscly shoulders.

He's like, I don't want a girl.

I want a woman that's lifted bags of groceries, Had a nipple that's been chewed on.

That is like, I saw him do sets at like Rafifi, Stand-Up New York for 10 people, and he was just everywhere he was going.

He was just fucking murdering.

What sucks about Burr is Burr moved to LA right when I moved here.

So I missed what you and Nate got to see, which is him, because him and Patrice both evolved at the same time.

Yeah, but Burr was interesting because it was just like a turbo boost.

Yeah.

It was like, he was good.

Yeah, it was like, he was good.

He was good.

He was good.

You see him around.

He was good.

But you didn't see.

It wasn't like, you know, you were going, wow.

And then it was like that special.

And then that hour he was doing, you were like, it was like a turbo boost.

Yeah, you saw the hour on Comedy Central and you went, that was crazy.

And then you went and saw the live hour, and that's when he was doing Let It Go.

Yeah.

That was when he was doing the, what are you a fan?

And you were like, this is unbelievable.

It was a turbo boost.

It was like, I don't think anyone saw it coming.

No, but that was, you know, I, you got to see Patrice, I think, when he was trying.

I moved here at the end where he did Elephant in the Room, but he would like

sometimes give a shit about stand-up.

I saw him at Caroline's the couple days before he had a stroke.

No way.

Yeah, so I saw him.

What was Poppy's last show?

Yeah, it was one of the last shows.

I can't remember which show we were at, but it was his last weekend.

Really?

It was his last weekend.

Caroline's.

Isn't that crazy that Caroline's was the last weekend of Patrice, Bill Hicks?

There's like a bunch of people.

I think John Penett.

Wow.

There's been like a lot of people that Caroline's, thank God they got rid of that devil dad.

Yeah, yeah.

Sin bin down in Times Square, rotting, killing all of our heroes.

Yeah, yeah, I didn't know that.

That's crazy.

Isn't that nuts?

Yeah.

Bill Hicks, in his book, American Scream, I think, he like says that's where he was like in too much pain to finish the show.

In Caroline's defense, I don't think it was Caroline's that killed him.

No.

Yeah.

I think it was other things.

Yeah, I think it was cancer.

Patrice was diabetes.

Yeah, diabetes.

And John Pinette was beating.

He had like that hard, big party gut.

Yeah.

Same thing with Mike DiStefano.

He had that hard.

And I think William Stevenson.

Yeah.

That hard tummy, dude.

You get a hard tummy.

You better fucking change up your diet.

Yeah, you can't.

That food will get you.

But that's what I was always saying.

It's like, the road will get you.

The only thing worse than watching someone die young is watching someone get too old.

And then you almost go, oof.

Yeah.

Oof.

Jimi Hendrix.

That's that stand-up bit.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's right here.

Because it's good our heroes die early, so you don't have to watch Jimi Hendrix at the Super Bowl halftime show with Britney Spears.

Yeah.

His belly hanging out of his pants.

Yeah, John Lennon fucking singing a jingle.

Dude, Kurt Cobain, like pushing for better help

on the Kurt Cobain podcast.

Dude, I don't know if I should say this.

We could always edit it.

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yeah no he looks phenomenal i mean yeah it's aging aging nice but like going away i think old people are scared so they don't want to go away because they feel like if they go away they're going to die like joe paterno yeah joe paterno was like what do you mean he's raping boys and then like they're like you got to step down joe pie's like i was gonna coach this and they're like you can't coach and he's like i'm gonna die he just fucking died right right you take him out and he died So maybe they're holding on so they don't.

Some personalities I think that's very true for.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think it's some people can't just sit and appreciate a tree.

No, that's their consumption.

It's like, I got to go.

I got to make stuff.

I got to go.

I think Trump's like that.

You just see how he is.

He's just like, what's this?

You want to fight?

Yeah.

He's just out here like, you want to fight?

And you're like, oh, because he's old.

If he slowed that down, he's not going to watch a kid eat an ice cream with a puppy and go like, beautiful.

This is what life is.

He goes like,

you pray for that.

Are you a Mexican?

That kid likes, he likes action.

Yeah, he loves action.

That's what it is.

Yeah, action.

He loves action.

He likes action.

And by the way, that's the way fucking Hillary is.

That's why Bill Clinton deteriorated so fast once he's stepped away from doing all that Bill Clinton foundation.

He was like,

and they just start shrinking because they need the, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

That's why Obama has a production company now.

Yeah.

Because if he stops, he'll be like, well, I made a deal with the devil.

And if I stop, I die.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like crank.

Remember that Jason Statham movie?

Yeah.

We have have to keep going or their heart explodes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how it feels like the entire boomer generation is.

They don't want to just chill.

You can't.

No.

Because

in their defense,

their parents scared the shit out of them.

It's also part of like American culture.

To never stop.

To just never stop.

Like, it's just part of American culture.

How do you think we got the Pacific Ocean?

Yeah.

I mean, when you meet someone in America, I remember noticing this when I went to Scandinavia, and it was odd to me.

And that's when I realized, oh, this isn't a truth it's a cultural thing nobody in Scandinavia goes what do you do if you ask if you if you ask someone what what do you do they they it's weird to them yeah whereas in America when you meet somebody it's like the first three sentences so what do you do so what do you do I mean you say that to strangers on there

what do you do yeah like what's your job it's like what we identify so much with is like our job so it's like our it's our identity it's everything if it's capitalism yeah yeah it's how you identify how how much money do you make what do you do the importance.

Yeah, and Sweden, they're just kind of like, and you are a father.

Yeah, yeah, we're here.

We're just here.

I will.

I live in the area.

And you go, yeah, but what do you do?

What do you do?

I walk to work.

Yeah.

And I work, and then I walk home.

And you go, no.

How do you make your money?

What do you fucking do?

What I found crazy.

What's your value?

What's your worth?

What I found crazy was Sweden was talking to us, and

this is not.

political with with talking about a political subject how out in the open and in their face about about climate change they were.

Like me and my friend were like there in June and we're like, it's a nice day.

And they're like, but since climate change, it's too hot.

And you're like, whoa, whoa.

Coming out a little straw.

Whoa, we don't even know if the science, but they treat us like we're crazy.

I'm saying like I got that energy in Sweden and then in Holland where they were like talking about something and then they were like before they were like talking about climate change as if it is a thing.

Yeah.

Not as if it's up for debate.

Right.

They just go like, before climate change, the canals would freeze and we could skate on them right but now it doesn't get cold enough right not like own we own you conservative they're just kind of like i don't know it's like a thing that's happening and we're all just kind of acknowledging it you're like where's the dunk you didn't dunk on me how do you make your money how can i dunk on you how do you yeah this is agree but how are you right yeah but who's wrong yeah what do you mean i mean it's just a dunk you just accept it as a fact and they go well then we are learning how to live with it and you're like no no no you're like how do you do you have you guys don't monetize a disagreement which news channel do you watch to get that opinion on?

You just can't.

What's the point?

There's no.

Do you think your daughters are going to grow up to look at

24-hour news the way that we looked at smoking in hospitals?

I think this is

really the first generation that's ever lived where I can't tell them what their life is going to look like and I know it.

Yeah.

It's going to be so different from anything that humanity has experienced.

Yeah, because you love chat GBT because right now it's like you giving you mixed facts.

And you're right, dude.

Some of it's ridiculous.

Like we're doing things, we're letting AI do things that we don't, we never thought it was like we need an improvement here.

Like when's the last time you were in an Uber, right?

And you were like, this is cool, but you know what would make this fucking better is if there was no driver.

Yeah.

What did everyone go?

We need to improve this with no driver.

Cut that guy's job.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like.

I don't like that.

Yeah.

So it's like, we're just doing it because we can do it.

So I don't know what it's going to be, but it probably could have a lot of good effects as well.

Well, I think...

Like robots that you can fuck.

That's which is if you think that's when you know it gets hot.

With the internet came out, everyone's scared about it until you found out you could jerk your dick.

But here is my problem.

And it's the same reason I got gun shy with when they gave us those thermos pussies.

I don't know.

What are those called?

Flashlights.

Oh, you ever fuck one?

At Moon Tower.

Okay.

They gave us all one.

Yeah.

And so every comic looked at each other when they got the bag of why I'm going to go to my hotel room.

And I felt like a serial killer.

Shout out the old Radisson on First and First and Austin.

Yeah, because you're fucking a body part.

I was just going like this.

I had my dick over the shower.

I was like,

and it felt gross.

It felt like it felt great.

First off, it felt great.

Shout out to that flashlight.

Sorry, I pumped and dumped.

Sorry, I fucking I jizzed in you and then threw you away.

You didn't deserve that.

But I never thought it is really like a very serial killer move.

It's like you cut a woman's pussy off and you're fucking it.

It's disgusting.

It's disgusting.

Dude, my friend Matt Ross has a phenomenal bit about it, about

having a flushlight.

But my point is with fuck robots, I'm too scared to fuck a robot because what if it cuts my dick off?

Right.

Those things are made of metal.

They are without a doubt stronger than me.

But are you being a Native American now thinking that...

Use all parts of it?

No, just go.

All right, well, yeah, it does.

They go, now I got to fuck the ear.

No, but like, you know,

they thought if you took a photo, it took your soul.

I don't think, I think that's a bum wrap.

I feel like Native Americans, I feel like that was like African tribesmen and Native Americans got popped with that.

You think so?

Yeah, I feel like, look that up, because

I feel like Native Americans would be like, why do you guys keep saying that about me?

Yeah, we didn't get a chance to get their side of the story.

They go, I don't know.

I was actually, I liked pictures.

Yeah, yeah.

And then they go, you're dead.

Here's a blanket.

But i think um you're not wrong i might be

chicken little i might be a little sky the sky is falling it's gonna change everything though we're fucking robots uh ai ai is gonna change everything here's what i hate yeah including our business yeah but when you and i hang out

you make me laugh harder than anyone on this earth likewise like i get around you immediate silly goose time.

I have a fucking blast and we laugh.

These motherfuckers that are are using AI for like to write jokes, it's there's something like

yeah.

You just it's not comedy's a lack of humanity in it.

Well there's like also a thing of like

people need to be told they're not good at stuff so they can go find what they're good at.

Yeah.

I wasn't good at anything until comedy.

I sucked at sports.

I sucked at being an employee of any job that I ever had.

I thought you were a great waiter.

Shut up.

I never experienced it.

I don't know.

Yeah, you did.

You and and Nate came by, dosed.

We never like.

No, I didn't wait on you.

You never do that to a friend.

No.

You never.

Let me tell you something right now.

You never do that to a friend.

Would you go to your friend's trip club and make her give you a lap dance?

Yeah, you don't do that.

That's a power.

Yeah, yeah, that's you and Nate sat outside the car.

I remember that.

I remember that.

That was the first time I ever got recognized on the street.

Yeah.

Because we were going to get something to eat in between

my shifts.

Do you see me now, Daddy?

Saddie Payne.

Saddie Payne.

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

You never never did, motherfucker.

Speaking of daddy pain, like, are you, how bummed are you that your daughters,

like, how do you explain your dad and your mom to them?

Are you just like, yeah, grandma and grandpa?

That's a good point.

Yeah, it's, I just have to continue lying, which is fun.

I have to continue to build this lie.

Because do they do...

I'm obsessed with like...

She is old enough to go like...

Oh, she's starting to ask questions.

But she knows mom's mom and mom's dad because they're around.

She's starting to put it together.

It's like,

when you have kids it's like uh you're it's a love i'll never know it's like watching

it's a love you'll never know

it's like you're it's like they're the dude in memento the movie and they're just putting things together

wait a second grandma grandma's got a mommy where's daddy's mommy where's daddy's mommy so yeah i mean those questions are starting to come up and i'm just like yeah daddy's actually um yeah was how jesus i don't have parents god put me in a virgin's been here you got yeah it's like i

I don't want her yet to know that.

So I have to keep pushing these lies.

But

she's like, how did the dinosaur bones get outside of the dinosaur?

And I'm like, see, those dinosaurs aren't real.

Oh, yeah.

They're not real.

But Jesus Christ.

There's no such thing as bones.

It's just fiction.

It's a cartoon.

I just, whatever to avoid that I don't want to just go, okay,

we're on a ball.

We're in the floating and nothing.

Honestly, can I see you?

You look her face to face and you go, I don't know.

I don't fucking know.

And also, I recommend you believe in God.

It helps.

Other than that, your daddy's scared out of his fucking mind.

Honestly, it's a little oil, but that is still a dry run.

You go, and the gears, sister, they grind.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to need you just to hold on.

Yeah.

Here,

I want you to play this video game Frogger.

Yeah.

And this is a metaphor for what your life's going to be.

This is it.

That truck is cancer.

That truck is fucking a venereal disease.

That truck is fucking AI.

Best case?

Yeah.

You play this game for 75 to 80 days.

And that's about it.

There will be a moment, though, right?

I know.

That's coming.

I know.

I know that's coming.

I know that's coming.

I'm just trying to avoid the inevitable.

I want her to get to five because she's about to be five.

They say the first five years are like the most

important for the development.

That's where you don't want to drop anything in the soup.

Yeah, you just don't want to.

They harden after five.

After five, it's a little harder.

So, you know, I'm just waiting.

And that fifth year, I'm just going to be like, guess what?

You die.

Oh, my God.

Guess what?

That's where my mommy is going to be.

Good night.

I'm going to go.

Hey, guess what?

You're going going to die.

Good night.

And she goes,

where's daddy?

Where's your daddy and mommy?

You go, my daddy and mommy are dead, and I will be sued.

I'm going to go, hey, guess what?

Every time daddy leaves to go on an airplane, he does like that.

He goes, and also, through his recent cuts to the FAA, we better do that.

Double.

When I say goodbye to you, I'm not 100% sure I'm going to see you again.

But have a great day at school.

If I don't come back, be an artist.

Just not a stand-up.

Not stand-up.

Oh, I'm doing everything I can to keep her off that fucking stage.

That's the new poll.

I hug her every day.

I'm just like, I'm counting hugs.

Like, 56, 57, 58.

You're enough.

You're good.

You're enough.

You're enough.

You're enough.

Let's do the you're enough song.

You're enough.

You're enough.

You're enough.

Open mics are for bad boys and girls.

You're enough.

You're enough.

That's the premise, the setup, and the punch.

Now, what's worse, terrorists or comedians?

Comedians!

Say it with me, comedians, comedians, comedians dude what's crazy is I did not know Giannis's daughter went overseas as a freedom fighter you know backfired on you told her you told him al-Qaeda was not to be a preferable of the two I was going to behead her but she is hilarious

the problem is is she is funny is she she's like class clown she's getting in trouble a lot she's very funny she she'll do

love it don't you she crawls on me she'll she'll crawl on me and then she'll sit on my head and fart on my head and nobody taught her that she

instinctively knows that that's hilarious.

She instinctively knows that it's funny to fart on my head.

She's learning.

Yeah.

She's becoming

aware.

Snatch the pee out of my hand.

She spits in your hand.

You go, that's hilarious.

You might be perfect.

Yeah, dude, that's going to be.

Yeah.

Does she know that you're a comedian?

She does know.

Well, how does she know that?

It was like she explained, like, you know, I go away, I get on planes.

This is what daddy does.

Mommy told her.

I would kill.

She doesn't understand.

I would kill to interview your daughter right now.

Like, what does your daddy do?

And she goes, he,

well, he looks at society through a lens.

And you go, like, oh, you get this way more than I thought you were going to get this.

She goes, he takes nuance to subtly break down societal norms.

He's a satirist.

He's a pontificator, I would guarantee.

it

uh you know he goes he likes to harangue uh would other adults and try to would it be worse for you and we're not judging anybody but would it be worse for you if your daughter later maybe 22 23 years old is it worse that she comes out as a lesbian or as a comedian

comedian yeah comedian yeah because by the way a lesbian will be like standard flow but i i'm gonna it'll be crazier if she's straight yeah i'm gonna try to just condition her for as long as possible that there are no women who do comedy.

I'm just going to go, this is just a male thing.

Yeah, but then that could really destroy your relationship.

She finds football.

You know, it's just for guys.

She finds Maria Bamford's

unwanted thought syndrome.

That could ruin your relationship.

I'm only going to be able to keep it for so long before

she turns on her mother's watching Nikki Glazer host the Emmys or something like that.

She just has that moment.

She's like, Dad was fucking.

It all plays back in her head like the end of a movie.

Our fucking mother.

Oh, my.

This motherfucker.

Now I'm.

That gives her the motivation because she hates me so much.

She creates a character called Maurice.

Yeah.

And it all

comes up and falls.

And that, my friend.

And I'm also very aware that I'm maybe being too good of a father and this may not make her successful.

Why do you think that?

Well, because everyone I know who's extremely successful in this

country is highly damaged.

I've never met someone who's just like, yeah,

my family life was great.

That was like Steve Jobs.

Like, yeah, I was left in a basket outside i'm iranian or something my daughter every time she looks at an iphone she gets triggered she has a samsung can you imagine his daughter going oh my dad damn this is the thing he didn't pay attention to before this is what he developed instead of me she was a samsung customer yes

yeah oh my god even when her friend pulls it out she's like put that thing in oh my god

i um All humans are like hoses with the water running out.

And then the true Indian side comes out.

And then

humans are

hospitals

like a side hose in the suburb but if you put your thumb over the spigot success comes that's all it is is you're just bending the hose trauma's going like

and you just shoot it fucking harder that's right so it goes farther so that's what yeah sometimes I'm going like this does everyone need a little yeah everyone needs a little thumb over the hose to go like and you know what you're right like life will do it You don't have to do it as a parent.

Life will do it.

Everyone catches these hands.

Yeah.

That's what life says.

Everyone's going to catch these hands.

If life's walking around going, you think I'm going to tune up everybody in here?

He's like, What are you?

Oh, you had a good?

And you got like, God, fuck it.

Sometimes he beats you up when you're a little kid.

Sometimes he gets you when you're an adult.

But trust me, God and life, they're going to fucking beat the piss out of you.

Oh, it will.

You will.

There will be a time where you seriously consider being a Buddhist.

Yeah, well, that's why you always look at like, whenever I see someone being like

using someone as an example, of like, look at their life.

Blah, blah, But you go, you have no fucking clue what's actually going on in that.

You're seeing the outside.

You're picture ready.

Yeah.

You know, when you're online, everyone's like, someone put that out.

You're not seeing the real shit of them going home being like, fuck all this.

And then you're like, that's why people have breakdowns.

Yeah.

Well, people, you know,

oh, sorry about that.

Just being a dad.

From the bank, too.

Chase, what do they want?

Might be fake.

I feel like if you're envying or you have envy or you're jealous, it's actually of self-hate.

I think it's a form of self-hate.

100%.

Yeah.

You're actually, it's not even about the person.

It's just something

you have to worry about yourself that you don't like and you have to look at that and love yourself.

Self-hate.

Yeah, I had a friend that said it very concisely where she was like, whenever somebody does something that annoys you, go work on that in yourself.

Yeah.

Because that's why it's like upsetting you.

Because they're doing something that annoys you.

So you should go change that about yourself.

Yeah, I think actually that's like one of Carl Jung's kind of like staples.

Yeah.

That's a fun thing.

Whatever irritates you about other people, it's coming from you.

The call's always coming from inside the house.

The call's always coming from inside the house.

Because people talk that's a good way to put it.

It's so funny because like I remember before I ever did Rogan or whatever, I'd be like, Ah, Joe Rowe.

It's very easy to do that.

And then I met him and I'm like, what a good guy.

He's such a nice guy.

And that's what it is with a lot of people.

You like see him online and you're like, this fucking guy.

You meet him and you go, he's a nice person.

And you realize it has nothing to do with you.

Like his thing, it's just.

Also, it's very nice to know.

Most people are, I would actually say all people are not thinking about you.

No.

No.

It's our ego.

Briefly, very briefly.

Very, very briefly.

And the ones that you're married to sometimes are thinking about you a little bit more than other people.

But most of the time, it's them.

Everyone's thinking about themselves.

Yeah.

And I had, like when we were going, you know, when we were living together through the, through.

Sometimes I'll see my wife and go, oh, oh, yeah.

Hey.

Hey, you.

Hey.

What do you got going on?

Oh, yeah.

You're here.

What'd you do?

Whoa.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, somebody else here.

Yeah.

But she would hit me with that.

She'd be like, I'm upset, and it has nothing to do with you.

And you'd go, well, that's impossible.

Well, with your fiancée, it's just probably some game that she had money on.

Yeah.

She'd be like, it has nothing to do with you.

It's the fucking Dodger.

She goes, I don't know.

Maybe if the Phillies are...

You could fucking it.

And you go, all right, I love you.

I love you, bye.

I love you, baby.

Yeah, dude.

I don't know.

Knowing that, though.

The opposite with you, if you had kids, you'd be like, just be nice around mom.

I go, listen, she's very upset about the Phillies, right?

I go, Raffi Deavers is one for three and he needs to be more like two for three i need you to go into the kitchen and then back out buddy bring me my snacks because i can't step foot in there that's a goddamn warzone um yeah dude i once you find out it's like every every human is flawed like that you just go like oh okay yeah because that's the part of getting older yeah and i think a lot of times people's problems are because they think they're uh they're the only ones with them yeah so when you find out everyone struggles with things you feel a camaraderie the one thing people need need is people.

And that is what I'm skeptical about

of AI is because

we don't live in the moment anymore.

We don't live in the moment.

We're always like, you know, thinking about the past, the future, the phone, what news happened, what's going to happen.

So, and we're never looking at each other.

And we're a social species, so we need each other.

Like we're like dogs or any other dolphins.

Like we survive and we've evolved that way.

So this is like, this is going to cause,

there's going to be some broken eggs with this omelet.

Dude, you're already saying, I read an article this morning that said Chat GBT is making people have delusional fantasies that are like, yeah, you saw that article?

Because there's a lot of mentally unwell people, too, getting on ChatGBT, talking to someone that's going to be a good person.

Chat GBT is going, you're great.

And they're going, I am Napoleon.

Have you ever noticed that?

When something bad happens, you just deal with it.

And then when things are good, you're like, when's the bad thing going to happen?

Brother, you're like, you're fine.

That took me 38 years of my life to learn.

Yeah, I'm still learning it.

I mean, mean, still.

But 38, you know, around like 37 or 38 is when I had that epiphany where I was like, oh, when the bad stuff happens, you just get through it.

Yeah.

It's worrying about the bad shit.

It's the worst thing.

That's why leaving us alone with our own brains.

Like, don't do it.

Don't do it.

That's why podcasts are popular.

Yeah.

Someone could put, and by the way, I get it.

When you're mentally having a weird day, I just, I was having a moment where I was having a, I was a little off this morning and I just put on a movie that I already knew and it stabilized me.

I was like, oh, fuck.

I don't know.

I think I was just getting a little in my own head.

Yeah, you get connected to something or someone else and it just goes away because we're wired for that.

We're just wired.

That's why we survive.

That's why we have the negativity bias, which blows my mind every single time because

it's an obvious flaw in the operating system.

Like, you know,

you're at a show, 100 people are laughing, and there's one person not laughing, and that's the one you remember.

Or

you remember all the mean comments, but none of the good ones.

It's the negativity bias.

It's like one comment, and it's just, that's wired in us because when we were like in a tribe or whatever like if one you had to be concerned that everyone liked you nobody was ganging up on you because you had to fit in in a group so you had to move and hunt with them and fucking everything was dependent on other people yeah they would raise your kids if you had kids they would all be a part of it so yeah it makes sense and then now we're just by ourselves with little supercomputers being like

Your brain just goes just like, oh my God, I'm going to lose everything.

It's just so fucking weird.

It's crazy when you,

one of my favorite feelings now is looking at my phone and having no notifications.

I don't, yeah, I because you just go like,

just put it back down and you go, all right, I'll say, dude, I am way off the phone.

It's a, you are, I am way off the phone.

Guy whose phone interrupted the podcast twice.

Yeah.

Way off the phone.

It's like, teen, teen.

Yeah.

Way off the phone.

Way off the phone.

Yeah, I fucking got it.

18.

Hold on one second.

Oh, shit.

You say it was great.

How did you do it?

Kids?

A Love I'll Never Know.

Kids, yeah, it just,

yeah.

It was mostly the, yeah, it was the love.

It was mostly like going like, all right, I got to be here.

Yeah, this is like a little weird.

Well, because I get hurt.

Yeah, I'm still on, but I've been able to scale it back like so much.

So I pop on and pop, because I put limits.

So what you do, what you do is you put limits on it.

You just put the limit on it and just leave it.

But then I take the limit off.

I go, what are you leaving?

Well, that's the part you can't do.

I know.

Yeah, you got to leave the limit on it.

I have one more.

Yeah.

And then you start, it just, when it goes off, then I'm just done.

It's an hour.

because i was i was looking at that phone sometimes dude and i would see 12 hours and i'm going like whoa yeah that's wild spooky and and i didn't i was i wasn't even aware of it and you're going like that's half that's my whole awake day you're not learning eight hours nine hours you could have read a whole book dude it's crazy

so if you do like an hour and then it's done and you're just done and then you just wait till tomorrow you just leave it and then you just that's and you don't miss much You miss nothing.

You don't miss much.

You miss nothing.

You miss nothing.

It's all there the next day.

Yeah.

You know, it's just, it's, they've designed it to make us gamblers.

This is what MK Ultra is.

It's resulted in.

It's what they do.

All the people that they tortured in the 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s, this is what we get for it.

Yeah.

I remember.

Phones that know how to keep you on it.

Yeah.

I remember, I still love nicotine, obviously, but I remember when I was able to quit smoking is when I realized it was a scam, like they were lying.

Like I had to know it was, like, that's what got me when I was like, Jesse helped me when he was, because he used to do cigarette ads.

Yeah.

Jesse's Katoro.

So he explained to me what they do and you know and he showed me all these old ads of the doctors holding the cigarettes.

Yeah, be like safe.

Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, it's just a fucking manipulation and a lie.

For sure.

And so now whenever I'm on social media, I just remind myself that

they want us all on there.

So what they, you know, notice how engagement is important?

Yeah.

So they're like, you're either going to be a content creator or you're going to be a content creator in the comments.

So you're all creating content.

Everybody jump in.

Yeah, because everyone on the comments is writing the comment to be seen by by other people.

And they want to get likes.

Yeah, they want to get likes and they want to fucking be seen by you.

And it's like, we're all manipulated in this game.

Do you think your daughter's generation tears down the social media thing of like, this is fucked up.

We can't be doing this or like regulates it.

I particularly think the internet is good.

I think particularly social media is very bad.

Yes.

So it's particularly social media.

Other things about the internet are great, but social media

is the thing that's...

If you took social media, the internet would be

great.

I think it would be cool.

Social media is the bad part.

Social media is the thing that our brains can't handle.

And I bet you watch this on social media.

Yeah.

Thanks for swiping up.

No, but podcasts are great, right?

Because they listen to it.

It's like, you know, there's no tricks to it.

We're not trying to get you to listen or fucking.

Check out Factor Meals.

Yeah.

Check out Factor Meals when you get a chance.

Also, better help.

You know, everyone's got problems.

This episode is brought to you by the time.

Also, are you having trouble staying hard?

Well,

also, give me your money.

Yeah, no, i think there is i

i i really i feel really fortunate to be in the time that we just get to hang out and be funny with each other that's like and then i get to go do stand-up i feel very very fortunate yeah we're in-betweeners it's very interesting because we came up in a world with an industry yeah we came up with and also just like live and then tv limited limited amount you know what it mirrors growing up without the internet and then having the internet yeah i grew up until i was like 11 or 12 before i had the internet so i got my first 10 years with just no computer, like some comp you'd get on a computer to play like a game.

And Compact Presario.

Yeah, or MS-DOS, or you play like you go to the computer lab at school to learn how to do paint or Oregon Trail, but it wasn't like a part of it.

It wasn't attached to you.

Yeah.

And I feel like it's similarly with comedy.

We came up when it was like old school, where it was like, try to get a late night spot, try to get a half hour, and then try for a network to like you to give you an hour.

And then now it's like all those toppled.

It's just like what

riding a horse through a city where fucking skyscrapers are leaning on each other covered in grass.

Yeah, it's a free-for-all budget.

It is.

It's just a free-for-all.

And there are people that have zero interest in being funny and have all the interest in just getting eyeballs on it.

And they're going to fucking blaze right by me.

They're going to blaze right by me.

Well, dude, when I talk to my fucking manager now,

it's like we're accountant.

It's just numbers.

He's like,

any more downloads this is what the algorithm wants and just what do you gotta do it's the it's wizard of oz tell them to go reply to the comments this is you got to get in this ecosystem i am the mighty algo tell me yeah what dreams do you have yeah we're all like we the most disgusting job has always been advertising yes lying to people about a product and we're all now marketers we're all advertising little tiny advertising agencies who are like wait what's the cover look like where the picture's got to be big the same way the titles got to be engaging the same way they that the telephone used to stay at home yeah and you would be out and move and then they found a way to put a telephone on you at all times they've learned us comedians to just be selling all the time oh it just it just turns oh you want to tell your jokes sell this first

all right well here's and then the thing i'm worried about the kids in this environment is like we were able to grow you know in an unrecordable time we were able to make mistakes and grow now if so if you're like now people are growing on the internet so they're like we would experiment in live clubs where there was no chance of anyone recording now everyone's like working out online yeah so these kids are probably so scared to say the wrong thing during their process of developing and whatever kind of content creator they are because someone could just snapshot that and then define you for the rest of your life with that fucking moment yeah dude imagine it's crazy and even with the relationships imagine they're trying to form a relationship and then she's got some secret group with a bunch of other girls where they're talking it's like fucking nuts dude it is one of those things where you watch it develop and you go like man i'm so glad i got to just fail quietly yeah you just got to because you and you know and to take a full circle back to sports daddy paying yeah they're doing it a lot now with athletes where they're going like an athlete will get on and they'll be like look at this 2013 tweet and you go he was 12.

You know, like they did it with Travis Kelsey with him.

Like, he doesn't know how to spell squirrel.

And you go, yeah, it was like 2011.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm not like mad at him for that.

He's probably a kid, he was a teenager.

They did it to Dante DiVincenzo.

Oh, I'm gay now because I don't want to play soccer.

Yeah, or soccer.

Or saved that.

Or didn't he say like the N-word or something?

He was quoting a rap song, and he was like, Hey, man, I'm fucking.

Dude, the funniest one is.

I'm like a white basketball player.

I'm like, I have it.

This is my culture.

I haven't saved in my life.

Yeah, it's like

that's so funny.

I live this life.

Yeah, I mean, I'm about that life.

I saved it because it makes me laugh so hard.

But

DiVincenzo back in the day, he tweeted because he, oh, dude.

This is old tweet.

He says, to my dad, I'm a pussy now because I don't want to play fucking soccer.

It's from 2011.

Yeah, was he like 11?

And you're like, look at him.

He's a bigot.

Yeah.

Oh, my, oh, he hates gays.

He was 11.

Yeah, yeah.

So I don't care, man.

Yeah.

If you're young, let it rip.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just do an apology to her later.

Yeah, it's just, it's so crazy to think that I think everyone is almost has the mentality of a politician now.

Like

young kids are like going like, I have to always present.

I'm going to set up my life.

I present well.

Do you remember those kids in school for our, like when, um, like those kids that would do stuff for colleges, they would be like, well, yeah, I'm like the head of the chess team.

And I also go do that.

And you would always be like, you're insane.

Yeah.

That's everybody now.

Yeah.

Everybody's doing those small things.

They're like, I'm also doing this.

I'm working with a brand on this and I'm doing that.

Just don't see any of my flaws.

I don't want anybody talking about my flaws or my weaknesses or my vulnerabilities.

I'm perfect.

It's like the band camp girl in American Pie.

Then you find out she jammed a flute up her puss.

You go, oh, you're, yeah, all humans are broke.

Yeah, yeah.

I forgot that.

No one's fucking perfect.

Yeah, there may be a massive backlash to it from the younger generation.

There may be.

Otherwise, how are they going to have any fun?

I don't know, but come find me, dude.

Are they going to have any fun?

But now it's like...

I'm going to be old living in the woods.

Come find me.

Dude, you can, like, you can make cameras where people can't see like uh you have to do a sweep like you're fucking you go on the rb and b you're like putting a black light on yeah it's like sliver the guy might have six cameras watching you fuck yeah i mean it i don't see how we don't turn into some type of china like it's just too easy for a power structure now to utilize technology because technology has the bandwidth to watch everyone yeah i mean because ai can do it so that ai has enabled that bandwidth to like just be able well back in the day when it would be like a spy thing, like a camera, you would like pull it and then on the back, it'd be like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, be, like, see all of the things.

But now it's just like, yeah, it's that wheel in the Hot Wheels thing, and it's actually live streaming.

Yeah, dude, they can shoot something on your window that you can't even see that it can bug your whole house.

Who shows me playing video games going, Katie, Yonder Pizza?

And they go, we got him.

We got him being a sloppy fuck.

Can everyone just chill?

Yeah.

Can everyone just chill?

That's a good way to end that.

Can everyone just fucking chill?

Guys, chill out.

Chill by watching Yannis' special right now.

The link's below.

Click on it.

He's fucking hilarious.

Filmed at the mothership.

That's true.

Just released.

Yeah.

We're going to put this episode out very fast, too.

Thank you.

So go juice that thing.

Go push it in the algo.

Yeah.

And daddy.

Daddy.

Donnie Payne.

Also, History Hyenas.

It's back.

It's back.

Go fucking subscribe.

Daddy, I did the special.

Is it good?

Am I good, Daddy?

I hope it makes you laugh, Daddy.

Yeah, cut that whole part out.

Did he pat me on the head?

He can't reach it.