87: American Dried Meat with Steph Tolev | Soder Podcast | EP 85

Hey guys, always on the road.

You know that the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour kicks off in September in Los Angeles.

The West Coast dates are announced.

Go to dansodor.com and see if we're playing a theater by you.

It's going to be awesome.

You know,

the hour is close to ready, and I've been really having fun doing some shows with it.

So come on out to the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour starting in September in Los Angeles at dansoder.com.

Still doing some clubs though.

Still keeping the knife sharp.

I'm not just going to take off time until that happens.

So I'm on the road.

June 20th and June 21st, I will be at the New York Comedy Club in Stanford, Connecticut.

Then in July, August,

then in July, July 18th and 19th, I'm going to be at the Funny Bone in Virginia Beach.

And then July 31st through August 2nd, I'm going to be at the Empire Comedy Club in Portland, Maine.

So any of those dates, you know, it's East Coast.

Go to danceoder.com and get those tickets.

It is fun.

I will say, I'm not political at all, but

I will say it has been very fun watching like tin hat behavior become mainstream.

Oh, yeah.

Lunatics.

People that before the internet

would have never been into like conspiracy theories.

No.

They don't really.

I remember before the internet being like bringing up like after the movie JFK came out,

like just bringing up like the the conspiracy theory that the government killed JFK

and your family would be like what's wrong with you that's not real stop listening to that crazy shit and now they go well my theory is now people just match theories oh because there's so much out there to read and like compare and you there is quite it is quite funny

my father my father has voted conservative for the last fucking 10 years and what did he do he voted liberal that's crazy and they all hated trudeau yeah hated they hated him but it turned out out it was Trudeau.

Yeah.

It turned out he was the hot, rich kid.

I can't believe.

I thought he was hot.

I voted for him because his dick and khakis.

He's a hot guy.

I was like obsessed with him.

He definitely had that like.

Well, I did the NDP because we had the independent parties.

Sure.

So we had like the new parties do you guys have?

How many do you guys have in Canada?

I don't know.

Three, that was his main liberal, conservative, NDP.

Okay.

New Democrat Party, whatever they were.

And they almost won this guy.

Jack Layton was about to win in the first time in like 20 years.

Everyone fucking loved him.

He was like the people's people.

He was like so cool.

Use your Bernie Sands.

He dies.

No.

Fucking dies.

And then his wife, Chow, Olivia Chow, takes over.

No one liked her.

She's a dumb bitch.

She comes in.

She got it.

She comes in.

I knew hey.

And we're like, no, you didn't.

And then no one voted for her.

Damn.

So annoying.

I didn't realize that maybe I'm not into American politics, but I'm super into other people.

It's like, you know, more of me.

I don't know any politics.

I don't nothing.

I don't know.

I like that, but that's what the internet does: it makes everyone have to have an opinion about everything.

I try to steer clear of any kind of thing like that.

Like of opinions?

No.

I respect the fucking

opinions.

I respect the fuck out of that.

You're going to try to hit me.

I'm water.

I just don't want to get involved in all that.

I don't believe in like

on stage and stuff.

I'm like, I'm not doing that.

Yeah.

When I was little, I remember my mom being like, the two things you never talk to people about are religion or politics.

Like when I was like little, like life lesson.

That's a good lesson.

And my mom was like, don't ever bring up politics or religion to people you don't know.

And I was like, great idea.

Now that's all everyone does.

So that's all everyone does all the time.

That's how people start conversations now.

They go, you vote for it.

It doesn't really like, I don't know.

I thought it would affect me more and like my friends.

I have, I think my boyfriend voted for Trump.

He won't tell me.

That's a good, that's just a good place.

And I almost opened his ballot when he went to home.

I was

so close.

Do not do that.

I didn't do it.

Yeah.

I didn't do it.

You would make him.

You would make him.

That's so bad.

No, no, I would never do that.

Well, first off, you would make him xenophobic.

No.

You would immediately, he would be like

fucking Canadians.

And he'd be like, you're a fucking piece of shit.

Like, that trust is gone.

And you see, he wrote in like Bernie Sanders.

He hand-wrote it in in his own blood.

I miss him.

I miss my old Jewish people.

And then he's religious, and I'm not.

Is he in the business?

Yeah, he's like a comedian, musician, actor guy.

Okay.

And he's religious.

His whole family is like super born-again christian is he yes they pray and we go home like at dinners we all have to hold hands nice which one do you do uh bless us oh lord and these i gifts that you're about to receive no they do their own they make it up they make they freestyle they freestyle

yes jesus

jesus

giving me this all this bountiful

and then all they all harmonize uh

that would be i mean i'd be into religion as black religion i get because they're always dancing and having fun.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You know, and then white religion, they're just like, God, fucking relax.

Well, those scary church shows, those big fucking churches,

those are nuts.

So one of my favorite things to do when Katie and I get high and we're home on the weekend and it's like Saturday afternoon, Verizon Cable has like, Fios has like a ton of channels.

Look into it.

Are you sponsored by them?

Verizon Vios.

Pieces of shit just got us a new fucking cable box because it was locking up.

But there's religious stations.

So we'll watch like the Jewish channel

Newsflash.

They're way in on Israel.

You're just like watching this and you're like, it'll be like, Jesus saves.

And it'll be like, why Israel is right?

And then you're like, Jewish channel.

But then we'll watch like Jim Baker.

Do you remember like, do you know who Tammy Faye Baker was?

No, we didn't have these things in Canada.

Yeah, this is great.

This is a piece of Americana that I love sharing with you, which is like

these like preachers,

right?

They get like so far away from the actual message of Christianity.

They're just like, give me money and God will like you.

But Jim Baker is just this old, old dude, and he just sits there going like, Jesus loves me, and everything's going to be fine.

And then he has people that come on and go, like, how blessed are we?

How blessed?

But they pushed this product that I'm obsessed with.

It's called Grid Down Chow Down.

I got to look it up.

No, I need to know what this is.

Let me show you it to you.

Grid Down Chow Down.

And they're trying to, I think this is religious somehow.

No, but they sell it on the religious channel.

Oh, God, this is fun.

But it's dried meat.

Hey, I love jerky.

But not that fun.

Now, imagine the fun of love, but ruined by religion.

And that's what Grid Down Chow Down is.

So there's no, it's not jerky.

What is it?

Chicken pieces?

Here it is.

Like dog treats.

Grid down chow.

Oh, that's it's a cow with the American flag in it.

12 servings of freeze-dried raw ground beef straight to your door.

Ew.

And then you just pour water in it.

Eww.

Oh, my God.

No.

That is not jerky.

Oh, my God.

That's so disgusting.

It's like hamburger meat that you just like dried and then you put it.

Pour water on it and mix it up.

And they gotta love you.

Old Jimmy B's selling this by the pound.

He must be in a drink.

People are buying that.

Oh, I bet.

I bet.

I mean.

Oh, my God.

Grandma's dude, class

chili.

All the stuff you can make.

And they have recipes for you.

We forget to thaw our meat for taco night.

And luckily, I had this on hand.

It was ready in minutes and so easy.

Don't put that in my body.

Oh, no.

However, you're free.

Don't put that in my body.

No, no, no, no.

I don't fucking.

Can you imagine going to someone's house for dinner and they're like, oh shit, I forgot to dethaw the meat again.

And then you hear clumps of beetles.

You go, what is that a bowl?

What is that bag saying?

She goes, Good downtown.

You're feeding me apocalypse meat?

That's worse than apocalypse meat.

I'd rather have like an old beet can that was all like rotted from like 1902 than that.

I would rather with my desert, with my rifle, you know, coming off the planes, this is the apocalypse.

Okay.

And I, and I, and I take my, I take my mask to, to breathe the poison air.

Yes.

I go,

and I come into a gas station.

I'd rather eat a can of spam that I found than a bag of grid-down chowdhouse.

And it just looks like

raw beef Doritos.

I kind of want to buy it for someone as a joke now.

I almost feel like I should order it.

And when you come back, we need to do a cooking show your diarrhea would be unmatched with that I and listen I've had every shade of the rainbow this diarrhea does I'm on as also as on the road yeah I have a hemorrhoid I got one this morning and I'm absolutely pissed you have a travel squatty potty no I saw your squatty potty in there I find those perverted Why I find it perverse I don't what do I need stir-ups I don't need my knees in my eyes from taking the fucking shit yeah you do I don't because you need to straighten your colon maybe you wouldn't have that hemorrhoid because you're pushing I'm not pushing off you walked right into my argument.

Hey, I'm not pushing.

You can get hemorrhoids.

You're not stressed.

You're thinking I'm pushing.

I think I know if I'm pushing on my shit or not.

You got that bubble, but you got that little butt bubble.

You're pushing.

Because guess what?

Hey, it's slipping out.

I had a horrific drinking problem, and my hemorrhoids were raging.

And then ever since the squatty potty revolution, thanks to Howard Stern.

Okay, you still drink it?

What's that?

You still drinking?

No, I quit drinking it all.

Then maybe that's what it is.

That's too easy of a solution.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's what it is.

It's the acidity and the alcohol it's the constant diarrhea that's what it is i mean i was shitting mulch my shit was rough hey you should spread that around new york so dogs can take a piss and shit somewhere i don't know where your dog's pissing shit in the city there's enough human beings spreading mulch in new york city just no mulch anywhere there is no mulch there's no grass i walk myrtle down over there right and there was this taco place that's closed but uh one morning we were walking and just human diarrhea

clearly a pile of human diarrhea in this doorway and i'm like that's diarrhea and myrtle's like let me me smell that.

And you're like, my dog loves human shit.

Yeah.

And I know it's human shit.

So I'll hike up Griffith and there'll be a piece of toilet paper beside it.

And I know there's no fucking

coyote up there wiping its ass.

Yeah.

Coyote's like, please.

Oh,

that one hurt.

The hemorrhoid's back.

Yeah.

I'm money for them.

I feel like your dog is very lucky because living in New York, I feel constantly bad for Myrtle.

Yes.

A main reason I never wanted to.

Every time I come to New York, I'm like, why do I live here?

Because I live in LA and it's hell.

But I'm here.

I'm like, I can't have a golden retriever.

Where Where is she going to win?

Golden retriever's in this building, and I feel horrible for them.

Because I grew up with a golden retriever.

You did?

Oh, yeah.

Montana was a big one.

Montana?

What kind of golden?

Red, golden.

Red golden?

105 pounds.

Oh, fuck.

That's a big dog.

Susan's 80 and is pushing it.

She's been

told she's obese.

We loved giving Montana treats.

It's so hard not to hit the stupid face and then the whites in the eyes show.

The eyebrows.

Their eyebrows.

She's got killer eyebrows.

But yeah.

The eyebrows are crazy.

Susan size.

She's like 45 pounds.

Okay.

But she's like the perfect apartment size.

I still, we used to live in New Jersey and there was a better dog park, so you got to run her around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I do feel bad, but I try to take her on very long walks.

And in the summer, she doesn't want to go on long walks.

Well, they're hot as hell.

And it's like that

fucking sidewalks.

Oh, yeah.

Is there a thing upstairs, like a pee pad somewhere?

I don't like the dogs up there.

There's one lower.

There's on a level, but it's just piss.

It's just like a sponge.

Have you gone into the have you ever traveled with her at an airport?

Have you gone those

She couldn't handle a plane piss?

I always see them with a little fire hydrant.

Oh, yeah, no need for that.

Oh, so we don't get a smoking section, but we get a fucking room of hot piss.

It's burning piss.

It's bad.

People need to go back to not being able to bring their dogs.

No.

Yeah.

I think people who have poorly trained dogs should not be allowed to have their dogs on the plane.

They should have to go through a course.

They should.

My dog goes on the plane with me.

Sometimes.

That's great.

In her service fast.

How great is it to go on the road with a dog?

Kathy right now.

We go through TSA.

I take off her harness and her leash.

She fucking waits on the other side.

I go like this.

I go, come.

The whole TSA is like this.

Losing their fucking minds.

That's a human in a suit.

It's crazy.

Comes over, sits right beside me, and they have to test my hands.

And I see that.

Myrtle could.

Nothing.

It's unbelievable.

Myrtle could never.

I'd be like, where's Myrtle?

And she'd be just down by a Hudson News.

Taking a shit outside the Hudson News.

She's smelling.

Go, Myrtle, get back here.

She's like,

huh?

Yeah, dude.

if I don't have a leash, that dog.

She doesn't listen to me normally, but at the airport, it's like a different fucking dog.

Oh, she's like, she knows she's.

She's got her formal brain on.

But she doesn't.

Also, like, having a dog a human name, they don't answer.

Yeah.

Like, I was like, Bruno, like, give me, there's no answer.

Susan never answers me.

And they're like, psycho.

I'll try talking to her.

I'll go, Myrtle.

And she's like, not looking at me.

I go, Myrtle.

She's like, what?

And you're like, I need attention.

I need attention too.

It's not just dogs.

I laugh harder at my dog than I do majority comedians.

Yeah, my dog's timing is better than some comedians oh yeah it's insane the way she sighs oh

and she'll go

and you're like i'm sorry am i bothering you she'll be like dude sometimes we'll be like i love you myrtle and she'll be like

like put her head on the arm

like you

you got me yeah um canada to la is Was that the direct route?

Oh, yeah.

And that's a bizarre route.

All my friends are here.

All my, I'm best friends with Alex Pavone.

All my friends are here.

He's psychotic.

Yeah.

All my friends are here.

Graham, Pat Bercher,

I wish.

People are so funny.

They're all funny.

All the Canadians are funny.

There's a couple of people.

I love Canadians.

I love Canadians.

I love Canadians because you guys get this unfair rap.

Like people give you this

misconceived notion that you're just like polite and kind of pushovers.

And then when you read any

historical stuff about wars specifically, it's the Canadians that always go too far.

It was like World War I and World War II.

Like there were people that were afraid of specifically the Canadians because they're like, you guys are nuts because you guys like leave that fucking friendship behind and you're like, the great north.

You guys are north of the wall.

You're fucking with me.

But you also, I don't know where that came from.

Most Canadians you meet were like, were kind of rude.

Well, you guys do the, you do what people in the Midwest do in the United States, which is you present polite and then it quickly evaporates.

I'd say all the Canadians here are irritable and we're always Nate.

Nate McIntosh, he's always pissed.

You wouldn't guess he was Canadian.

Oh, my God.

He's talking all the time.

He's psychotic.

You would think he was a Jewish New Yorker.

He's crazy.

The way that he's like, what is this?

And you're like, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Is that with your boyfriend being religious and American?

What is he, is that like a weird thing?

No, I thought it was going to be.

I actually like it.

Because when we first started dating, I'm like, I'm an atheist.

He's like, no, you're not.

I go, well, yeah, I am.

He's like, what does that that mean?

I'm like, I don't believe in anything really.

Has his family accepted that?

They have come around.

I'm like trying.

I hold hands.

You hold hands.

I mean, I keep my eyes open.

So when an atheist, I had to see how weird it is.

Because

I'm in between.

I'm an agnostic.

Okay.

I believe that there's something, but we just don't know what.

I mean, I guess I believe there's something.

I just don't believe in like the whole God that all that stuff.

I don't believe in man-made religion.

No, no, I don't believe that.

Which

make me sound stupid.

I am stupid, so you're not proving a point.

But I'm always amazed with,

I always respect religious people's faith because they just fucking believe.

They do.

It's kind of nice.

It is.

It is very nice.

And I think we spent like a lot of the 90s, 2000s, and the teens really shitting on religion.

And then people like we were talking about, my boy Jim Baker, shout out, chow down, grid down, chow down.

You're going to be sponsored by this in a week.

I would welcome them with open arms.

Oh, my God.

But then I would heavily criticize the product.

I would.

This wouldn't be like Mando.

Try Mando.

I rub it all over my body.

Kiddie pool in here, a little doggy kiddie pool, just fill it up with the meats.

You don't think Myrtle would be fucking on the water?

Myrtle would be fucking schlopping back.

And then just hissing out of her asshole.

I'd just be holding her like a water balloon, just squeezing her sex.

Yeah.

If Grid Down Chow Down wants to sponsor this, it does sound like it's something that a redneck would have made up, like Grid Down, Chow Down.

It sounds like pull up the fucking trailer park and suck it back.

It does, it sounds like eating pussy in a truck bed.

Actually, that's kind of what it probably looks and tastes like.

Grid down, chow down.

That's what mine looks like after the water has hit.

He goes,

put your tongue to it and it dethaws.

You ever ate pussy after a girl bowls 20 frames?

And you go, written down, chowdown.

Riddown, chowdown.

Let me do.

Let me do the little blurb on the side.

It's like sucking sweaty jean pussy.

And they go, have you done that?

That's a very specific reference.

Holy hell.

I've never heard that.

How the words are.

No, no, no.

You've had some hot gene pussy.

Just some clammy clam.

Some clammy clam.

That was me yesterday.

I was wearing jeans.

It was too hot.

You can't do that.

Walking around.

Puss was all taut up all day.

I mean, you guys have, we have it.

We need need to air it out ours can get gross and clammy but ours also is on the outside yeah so i feel like it airs out quicker yes absolutely yeah you need to really it's like wearing uh it's like wearing like a lighter fabric in the summer yeah yeah yeah we need cotton i've got cotton on her now you gotta really my mom always said you gotta let it air out you gotta let it breathe yeah that's all you gotta do and that and that's what the penis is the penis catches a little bit of a wave of wind and you go i'm aired out yeah we can wear the the shorts the basketball shorts right in right out the other side and she has I feel bad for Katie because sometimes I'll just be at home and I'll be in shorts and just start knocking around.

And she'll be like, knocking around?

You know, like, itching.

Oh, I thought you were just like just jerking off.

Oh, no.

I'm not a circus chimp.

I was like, what do you mean, knocking around?

I go, Steph, I should tell you, I aggressively masturbate in front of my.

That's why Myrtle was in the crate when I got in here.

You're like,

she's like, leave it alone.

But she's like looking at vacuums and you're like,

knocking it around.

Back to grid down, chowdown.

Back to grid down, chow down.

No, but I feel like religious people,

like the regular religious people, took such a criticism and beating

in

general,

almost like popular culture.

Yes.

It was like really, like the atheists kind of took over in their kind of.

Well, because I think I think the 90s grunge era.

That whole era was like, fucking.

Religious machine.

Oh, you're listening to these old fucking ways.

And people kind of were like, younger generations, as they they got older, they're like, oh yeah, I'm not religious.

So that's why it's kind of cute to me when people are religious.

I love it.

I go.

I'm also like, oh, he can't cheat on me because the Lord says it's bad.

There you go.

I need to tell myself that.

Did he give me something?

But then I think all these other preachers, like Joel Osteen and them, found this like

empty vacuum of people.

And they're like, oh, I'll just tell them they're going to do well if they give me money.

And then that's our preachers now with their cat teeth.

Oh, it's creepy.

I do want to, I'd like to go to one one time, though, and like pretend to go out there and be saved.

I think I'd really sell it.

You think you're going to get fucking front row seats?

You better believe it.

To a Joel Osteen?

How much of those?

I don't know.

I covered a grid down chowdown.

I glue them to myself.

I walk in just covered in the chat.

You're secret down chowdown.

You're up for it.

Pour me in the holy water.

Jim Baker, I've been waiting my whole life to meet you.

He goes, Will anybody that eats grid down chowdown is a fan of mine.

They should have to eat it on the show.

Yeah, yeah, yes.

They should.

You go, you promote it?

Eat it.

Yeah.

Eat it now.

Now all the comments are going to be like, well, then where are your sponsors?

And maybe I am wearing the perfect jean.

I wonder if

they get the pressure, like podcasts get the pressure where they go, have you ate the grid down chowdown?

He goes,

hard to get down.

It's a, yeah.

Why?

It's not called keep down.

It's called chow down.

Chow down and then chow out, you know?

I'm going to chow up.

Chow up, chow out.

I'm chowing up.

I'm going to try it.

I'm going to buy it.

Cause my boyfriend loves jerky.

That's why I saw jerky right away.

Yeah.

Well, also, it's like, if you love America.

I like any product that also goes, and also if you love America.

Like, oh, yeah, that'll get me to eat bad meat.

That will get, yeah.

Just go like America.

That's the one thing I do love about this country is you can just slap patriotism on anything.

People, it is, I just apply for my citizenship.

Speaking of America, I'm terrified that Trumpy's going to take away my green card because he's stopping people at the border.

If you become our 51st state.

It's my favorite thing to say to any Canadian.

It's so crazy.

I go, hey, hey, Canadian, get in.

The water's warm.

As if that's all we have.

Yeah.

Is being Canadian.

There's nothing else about us.

We don't really have a big war.

You're like, what do we do?

I didn't even know.

You're saying you guys helped out in World War I, World War II.

You guys helped out in the Iraq war.

You helped out in all of our wars, Vietnam.

Some stuff, but we want to be our own fucking place.

Well, can I push back on this a little bit?

Yeah, let's hear it.

You guys put the queen on your money.

I don't know.

That was getting weird.

That queen stuff was weird.

They're really

obsessed with them.

I don't know what that is.

So you guys are talking both sides of your mouth.

You don't want to become our 51st state because we're neighbors.

We're right here.

But you're over here throwing King Charles on your money.

Is that new?

Because I knew the queen we had for a while.

I was up in Winnipeg.

Lovely city, especially in the winter.

It is the worst city on the planet.

It is wild.

I got COVID and stuck there.

No.

That's hell.

The club's fine.

We did rumors.

Rumors.

Rumors is great.

Rumors is hell.

Last time I was there, well, a couple times ago, I stayed in the condo and I may have got a little drunk and I may have fucked a guy in the shower and I may have broke the shower curtain and I may have had to pay for it.

I'm like, it was 40 bucks.

Just pay for it.

Yeah, but that's also

what a fun, old school.

That's like an old school comedy story.

Oh, yeah.

No,

I'm in the condo in Winnipeg.

At three in the morning, I bring this brat home.

I got him.

I got him.

Butts to nuts.

And we're going nuts.

I'm going to show you the picture.

I think I can find it.

When I got COVID, I had to stay in this hotel, obviously, in Winnipeg.

The one that put you up at that one way off.

The tide house?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Shout out to Tyler.

Yeah, Tyler's great.

He's great.

He went and got me.

like

stuff edibles and and and tests okay so i just ate edibles and tested myself constantly

so i could get home how long were you stuck there four and a half days okay i didn't say four and a half weeks and I was going to put it in.

But let me find you.

I was going to call the Canadian Army.

Dude, I would love.

Mounties come and strap you to the back of a horse.

Well, he stuck me in.

They drove me through Fargo.

Did they really?

Yeah.

Because they were testing at the airports, but they weren't testing at the border.

So when you drove across the border, they're like, all right, welcome back.

Come on in.

And then you're like, I definitely have COVID.

But I kept threatening Tyler that I was, oh, I'm going to find it.

I'm right here.

Yep, here it is.

That was the picture out in my hotel room in Winnipeg.

That's Winnipeg.

A desolate death.

I'm sending it to you so you can put it in.

It's literally.

We'll show you right now on the episode.

Winnipeg, that's what it looks like all year round, though.

There's never,

if you're thinking of going to Canada, Vancouver, Montreal, Toronto in the summer, don't be doing, do you know that Toronto has a nude beach?

A nude beach?

Yeah, on the island.

You know what the thing about nude beaches is?

You never want to see the people that are naked.

It's always the people that are.

It's always the gay men with a really tiny sphinx.

Which, in that point, you're almost like, good for you.

But they're so smug, walk around with that little thing.

They're a little pigtail.

Oh, have you ever seen a micro?

A micro penis?

Oh, yeah.

Have you ever been hooking up with a guy that?

Oh, yeah.

It was.

Did he warn you?

No.

We kept making out.

And I kept being like, okay.

And I kept like, you know, I'm a pervert.

So I'm like, let me drink something off.

You're like, I need it.

I need it.

I'm starving.

I'm come hungry.

And he goes, don't say that.

There you go.

So I kept like,

I kept trying to muck.

So it's like third third time now.

I'm like, okay, this is like, we're in the bed.

He kept pushing my hands.

He goes, no, it's okay.

And I remember that I have, it was night and I have curtains and the neighbor's light was shining in through one like slit of the blinds.

And I peeked.

I went,

like smaller?

Tip of the finger.

Pinky.

Was he nice?

Was he a nice guy?

No, he wasn't that nice and he wasn't very funny.

And

you gotta be.

You audiene.

You have to be.

Did you see that?

Why do you think I got so funny?

Yeah.

You're it's a messy vagina.

I'm a micro puss.

No one ever talks about him.

I got chow down, Mow Dow.

You piss like a squirt gun.

It's like

it just shoots out.

I have to pump it out to get it going.

You're making that noise.

I go Steph's pissing and I don't feel comfortable with it.

That's why I have a hemorrhoid.

I'm torn on my piss.

But then your ship comes out like

This sounds like a Japanese game show.

I know.

I guess a piece of the pistreme from the Stephatoro.

Very thin, hot, though.

Hot.

But I remember seeing it and being like, oof, that's.

How did you conclude that?

Well, I saw it and I was like, my guys, we can conclude that.

Yeah, but did no, did you,

did you give it away that you

did he know that you saw it?

Well, yes, because then he was like, we were talking about having sex.

And I go, okay, well, I need you to wear a condom.

This is before I saw it, but I can put a condom on.

He goes, he goes, I can't.

And I go, well, I'm not having sex with you because I don't know where you've been.

Well, that was nowhere.

It turns out that.

So this is the best.

It went in.

He put it in.

And I felt bad.

So I pretended.

I went,

there's no way.

I couldn't feel it there.

Did he?

He didn't believe it, did he?

I think I'm pretty good at acting.

But I would just have the empirical evidence in front of me that I have a micropenis.

Yes.

And that

i don't think that would make a that would make a woman make that noise i don't i no there's no way but i had the problem what am i supposed to go where is it i can't just go like

i do i do you dog sniffing

sniffing for it

but i mean it went in for a little bit of time and i guess came out i i don't i actually don't know medically what happened down there i'm not sure as we're talking about this you're raw card

I'm a miniature penophile.

I'm a micro penophile.

I go, you know what really drives me wild?

Dudes with the tiniest dicks.

Oh, so small.

I think if I were in prison and I found out my cellmate had a micro penis, you'd be gay.

It'd be much easier.

They go, what do they do?

Did they fucking you in there?

You go, yeah, but did he?

Yeah, he's

giving me the option.

Give me the adjustment.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I go, just got to to kick the shit out of anyone in the yard that looks at me wrong.

All I got to do is take a micro penis pounding.

I go, oh, Dowie.

And they go, hey, man, you that gay guy.

I go, hey, he's got a micro dick.

And then I blow it all up.

And then everyone's like, I want to know I want him.

No, he's my man.

I go, get your hands off my man.

I got to suck his little micro penis.

I don't even know if you could suck it.

It'd be that small.

What would it, what would, now let's conceive.

What would the idea, what would a blowjob of a micro penis look like?

Do you just do you knock it around like a cat?

No, like a salt lick.

Like, you know what?

Yeah.

Like a deer is like, dude, I wonder how.

Now here,

I'm scaling this out for size, but I'm wondering with my average penis size, a giant tongue licking it, would I be like, oh,

like for them,

it must feel amazing for them.

Like you going like, do a micro penis?

He's like, yeah.

Like, shooting up.

Because I don't even know how you would even like jerk it off, really.

Like, all of it, like,

it might be more rubbing.

Yes, I might have more friction.

Yeah, it has to be like you have to, because

I don't know.

I don't know.

Sound off in the comments.

No, I'm not saying this to be make fun.

I actually feel really bad for them.

I want to know the physics of this.

I found out, though, that you can, you can, I know one guy who has one who had a baby.

Well, I still think they shoot cum.

Yeah, but I don't know.

That's a long way for it to get in there.

That's like a fucking half-court shot.

Yeah, that's.

You gotta take that.

There you go.

And at half-court, he's gonna try to make a baby with his micro penis

i i swear it's in there i think she walked in with the test and she goes you got me

so floored i can't believe it like you i actually can't believe it i don't know if they did like a maybe they did an egg thing in the thing imagine having a micro penis and then you have a baby and you're instantly jealous of the baby's dick size that that might come out and you go oh Really?

Didn't get that from me?

Oh, well, looks like you got it from your big dick mom.

Your fucking hung hung mother we wouldn't be happy though hung mother has to be the name of the episode hung mother from your hung mother i literally keep thinking about that's a good name for an album yeah hung mother of licking a micro penis has gotta feel incredible it must be the easiest blowjob to give to like because otherwise i'm down there and i'm i'm trying i suck i suck hard because my boyfriend's hot and i don't want to lose him nice so i'm i suck so hard the other day i got a crick in my neck yeah and i had to put an icy hot patch on damn dude you're like taped up oh i'm taped you have you have that tape that they put on shoulders.

Off in that dog.

Where he goes, you're really in there today.

But you have a micropenis, you were stuck with micropenis.

You go like this, oh man, oh man.

I need to go.

Oh, fuck.

What the fuck is that?

Just, oh, yeah.

I want all the men at home that are thinking about this.

Imagine your penis, but a giant tongue.

Just licking

up and down your tongue.

Like a dry tongue, kind of.

So it was a bit of friction.

Oh, yeah.

Not like a cat.

A little like,

you haven't water in a couple hours.

The taste buds do have friction on them.

Yeah, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

you have a lighthead a giant tongue and then there's all these you know what that's what i you need to create a dating app that pairs fat tongued women with tiny ticked men that's there it is

simple stuff

i have you seen a fat tongue woman i don't know what these fat tongues are i believe they're mostly called mentally retort but i think okay i think you did it yeah like

it's like a lady that's like kind of stuck out yeah they do have big they do big tongues did you watch love on the spectrum uh no love on the spectrum it's so sweet.

It's so sweet.

It's so sweet that I'm just like, uh...

It's too much for you?

I just am like,

no, it's so nice.

I want to volunteer.

Yeah, I was, after we watched it, my boyfriend keeps saying we should do Love on the Spectrum because he thinks I'm unwell.

He really?

He thinks you're close to it?

He thinks something's going on.

Do you think that was the excuse he told his family when you first started criticizing their prayers?

Yeah, they're like, she's stupid.

He goes, hey, she's.

Have you seen the show Love on the Spectrum?

Yeah, he goes, that's how I matter.

Yeah.

And they go, oh, oh, she's.

there's always these moments where, you know what it is?

It's like

these moments on Love on the Spectrum.

It's like genuine

feelings in a way that's like,

I think every reality show, you question their...

What they're doing it for, if they want the fucking followers.

Yeah, these people are like, and they get

excitement.

When she comes in the corner, his eyes are like,

so happy.

You look beautiful.

And you're like, I've...

And then if if it doesn't work, they're like, bye, thank you.

I don't like you as that.

We're friends.

Instead of trashing a restaurant and being like, you could have never had me.

Motherfucker, you're like, you stupid slut.

I fucking didn't even like you.

They're like, I think your shoes are beautiful.

And you're like, yes.

Yeah, they would never come at my nose.

They'd be like,

your eyes are pretty and your nose is small.

I'd be like, is it?

Oh, you go,

what you got down there?

I would have, I think I one time fooled around with a guy.

I didn't realize till we met up again that he wasn't wasn't all there.

Really?

We did a lot of cocaine.

Oh.

Can mentally people do cocaine?

Well, yeah.

Does it make them normal?

Does it speed them up to where they're like, he's like, I said I would never do that again.

Anyways.

So where'd you go to underground?

Yeah, yeah.

Ecology major.

Cool, cool.

He goes, yeah, I live with my parents, but honestly, they don't really give me a lot of problems.

Anyways, I think, and then in the morning.

He did live with his mom.

Wow.

No, this is.

Were you there?

Were you there?

I swear to God, he brought me back to his house and didn't tell me.

And we show up and his mom's like, you brought a girl home.

And we were like, I'm so fucked.

I'm like, wow, these marble counters are beautiful.

What are your backsports?

That's a deep sink.

So fucked.

So fucked.

Go in the basement, fuck all night.

Not well, of course.

He wasn't good?

He was fine.

He had a big dick.

There you go.

He was honestly swing a little sweet cherry.

Yeah, that's why they give the micro penises to the smart guys so they can rationale why they have it.

The dumb ones get the hammers.

Big, big one.

And then we met up the next day and I was a kept waiting friend to come pick me up.

He's like, he calls me.

He's like, I fell asleep in the car on the side of the road.

And I was like, what?

He's like, I don't know where I am.

Shows up, in Toronto, starts driving where the streetcars are.

He's like on the streetcar tracks, driving the streetcars.

Cars aren't allowed on there.

And I got in the car and I sat down and he's like,

I looked over and I went, ah!

And I like, I opened, in the middle of traffic, I opened the car door and I ran out.

Damn.

It was bad.

Damn.

It was scary.

Yeah.

Not because he was.

I'm trying to decipher.

I don't know if he was like on something too.

Like it was, he can drive.

I'm trying to decipher if he was

mentally

a himbo, like a male bimbo.

No, I think he wore construction.

I think he's been hit in the head a lot.

I think something was like.

Could be some CTE brain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's something.

There's a lot going on there.

yeah because sometimes you see people and you're like there's a comedy club and i won't say where but i'll never perform there again

now i if you see me in if you see me in public this is always the rule on this podcast it's a rule on the regs if you see me in public and i'm talking shit and i omit something

you come see me live danceodo.com for live dates

i'll tell you okay i'll tell you what it is does it ride with gazoobies no i love my goobies do you

have the worst weekend of my life oh i love that i love that club.

And I've sold shit tickets there.

I've sold one ticket.

I don't know why I'm there.

But I love that club.

I don't know.

There's something about it.

It just hits the perfect amount of road for me where I'm like,

I'm asking the second after.

But

the club owner was like talking to me in a way where I was like,

I was taking it as aggression.

Okay.

Where I was like, I don't like this guy.

This guy's like talking shit to me.

This guy's fucking with me.

That's what I kept thinking.

Okay.

He was fucking with me.

And then it was a Thursday through Saturday weekend.

And then on like Saturday, the local MC goes, you know, he has a brain injury.

And I went, no shit.

And he goes, oh, yeah, he's had like two major brain injuries.

And then he started talking to me.

And I went, there it is.

There it is.

And you go,

I don't have any aggression towards you.

I still think you're a stupid bitch.

Yeah, but I go, look at you.

You run this.

Like, the way I was talking to him changed.

I go, look, who's in?

Thanks for having me.

Where's Friday?

Thursday and Friday.

I'm like, I don't know, man.

Take me to the hotel.

What is this?

What's wrong with you?

And on Saturday, I go, hey, buddy.

Hey, pal.

Yeah.

Did you write out the check?

Whoa.

You have your own checkbook

and your own pet.

Oh, and he'll text me stuff.

He'll be like, David Lynch died.

And you're like, hey, buddy.

No malice.

Zero malice out of my end.

But that really does, you don't realize.

And then someone goes, yeah, that guy fucking got hit hit in the head.

And you go, God, there's, I, there's a new thing going around where people that are autist are blaming being a bitch on being autistic.

Yeah, yeah.

No, you, you're, you're a bitch.

You're an asshole.

You're a fucking piece of shit.

Don't be blaming autism.

Every autistic person I've met are the nicest people on the planet Earth.

Yeah, a lot.

That's exactly true.

Very bizarre.

Have you ever done Rose Battle in LA?

Yeah.

I always bring this guy up.

I can't remember his name.

He always takes his shirt off.

He's jumping around.

He's like the main guy for Rose Battle.

He's always like there.

He's the most autistic person I've met my entire life.

Couldn't be nicer.

Hello, Stephanie.

How are you?

Nice to see you.

Great set.

Can't wait to see you again.

Nicest man ever.

Never, never.

So don't be like, I'm autistic.

You're a bitch.

There's some older famous comics here that were dickheads that try to claim that they're like mildly autistic to like Seinfeld did that.

Seinfeld was like notoriously just mean to young comics here, unless you're rich or famous,

which

I could argue I get.

He's been famous for four decades.

A lot of people bother him.

I understand not wanting to chop it up with young Chop it up.

But you say you can be civil still.

He's not civil.

He's always been a dickhead.

He just walks by you and you're be like, hey, Jerry.

And he just doesn't acknowledge you.

Doesn't even say hi.

And then it's funny that he goes on stage and notices things and you go,

cool.

So you're going to be a prick to me and now I got to watch you notice stuff.

It's like you can't make eyes on it.

And he's like, why is the light is bright?

And you're like, okay.

All right, Jerry.

And then he does the thing where he goes like, I realized recently I was on the spectrum.

No, no, you've always been an asshole stand 10 toes down and just go i'm a dickhead don't you find it weird too when you meet a celebrity who's like way bigger than him who's the nicest person on the fucking planet earth and you're like you you don't have to be like this matt damon is legitimately one of the nicest human beings i've ever met in my life paul giamati is one of the nicest people i've ever met in my life i ran into adam sandler one night years ago i first moved to la and i was like he was trying new stuff i go great stuff he walked me went oh really thank you so much i've been working on new stuff and i was like I'm some schmuck in the back of the room.

Like, just talk to me.

The sweetest.

The bizarre.

The sweetest.

And then people below them are dickheads and they go well actually i have autism and you go no you don't you savage just go i'm an asshole yeah admit it yeah i'm an asshole i'm an asshole dennis leary had a hit song about it he's like i'm an asshole just be an asshole and you're like great yeah thank you for being i also respect assholes yes i i don't respect people that hide behind autism no no i don't reside liars i respect someone that goes i'm a little crotchety yeah I'm a little bit of a dickhead.

And you go, yeah, okay.

All right.

I'll be a dickhead back to you.

But it's like,

it's not as personal.

No.

it's like heartbreaking.

You know how

influential Seinfeld was growing up, watching that show?

All I wanted to do was be that character.

Yeah.

Clean sneakers, hot girlfriends, great apartment in New York.

Yeah.

It was like, I mean, I feel like you got to have this.

And I'm like, hey, hey, I'm actually looking around right now.

And I'm basically marrying Maya Lane Bennis.

You are.

She's Maya Lane.

So it's great.

Are you engaged?

Yeah.

We got engaged like two years ago.

So we just were horrible at planning.

Okay.

and planning a wedding.

We need a wedding planner.

If you're a wedding planner, get on it.

Reach out to me.

I will do it.

Get done.

Yeah.

We want to get married.

All of our friends are going to be, we're like, we just want to be married already.

I keep forcing my boyfriend.

I'm like, I know, and men love that.

Put a ring on my finger.

Yeah.

How long have you guys been together?

Year and a half.

Year and a half.

Oh, everything started quickly.

They moved quickly.

Two years is about where you start really seeing if.

Now, we went through the pandemic together.

We were dating for about six months and then we got into the pandemic together and it was like.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, all right.

And you know, like six months is like barely a new relationship, but then it was like jumping.

But we knew

that's the thing.

I, I knew,

yes, within a month, we knew he, we, we, he moved in three months into us dating, yeah.

So I was like, we, we were doing it quick, yeah, you do it quick, and then you go through it, and you go, either this is gonna work or it isn't working.

Well, I'm like, I'm 40, it's either working or it's not, get the hell out of my house, kids or no kids, I'm 40.

He's been slopping stuff in there, but

nothing's taken.

Guys,

I love just to fucking let her rip.

I mean, I've been off the pill for eight years now, nine years, and nothing.

I've had no

meat.

Do you want kids?

I don't know.

That's the problem.

I think if I was wanting them badly, I'd be like, let's do this.

My sister just had a kid, and she's so fucking cute.

I'm like, I could just be a cool aunt.

That's where I'm at.

I don't need it.

We made that decision together.

Oh, you know, you already know what you're doing.

Yeah, we're not having kids.

It's also the dog.

Again, I have a golden retriever, and I'm like, I could just have two more goldens and be happy.

I think a dog can give you a form of love.

I don't, I hate people that compare it it to a child.

No, I just mean like it's not no, no, I'm not, don't funk him at me.

I just mean like, I love Susan, and that's already a lot of fucking work.

Yeah, well, on the road, what do we I just know?

I wouldn't be a

my job, is I go on the road, which I'm so you're not home.

I'm not gonna bring my baby with me, I'm gonna bring my baby, and I'm not gonna make her who my she is a courier, yeah, I'm not making her say homeby, and then I get to come back in, like, yeah, here's the money bitch stuck on my little

dick, here's my micro penis hit me with that big tongue

and i go oh oh yeah i missed that big tongue in the road

go fucking salt cube me salt cube me i'm gonna fucking salt cube a lap uh but yeah i i think i and i by the way i am all for people that want kids i think it's awesome All my friends have kids.

Yeah.

I love threatening presents on my friends' children going, I have expendable capital.

I can drop a box of toys

at your front door.

My friend, one of my best friends, has a daughter and twin girls.

So he has three girls total.

And they're hilarious.

They are, he makes me laugh the hardest.

He's not a comic.

He's my friend I grew up with.

His daughters are very, very funny.

I haven't hung out with them a lot, but I hung out with them recently and they were really making me laugh.

And I kept joking that I was going to send the twins a full drum set

and an electric guitar with a stack of amps.

And like him and his wife are going like, ha, ha, ha.

And I go,

I don't think you understand this.

I will do this.

And he goes, and then like, you see him start to go, like, okay, don't.

And I go, like,

I feel like a terrorist.

I'll do it.

If you ever want to, if you ever want peace again.

You should just send him some drum sex in the mail.

Yeah, just do yell.

Just at a time.

Just a symbol.

Yeah.

Just a guitar pick, just a single pick.

A triangle.

And then he comes home one time in his basement, soundproof.

He goes, what did you do?

I mean, you could do this over the years.

I mean, slowly start to do that.

Daripe, it's coming.

Watch your ass, dude.

Watch your ass, bro.

But yeah, I mean, I think like.

I think if you really want them, have them.

And I think if you're humming and hawing like this, I'm like...

And Jeff or my boyfriend, Jefferson, he's from a family of nine.

Oh, you guys are.

Oldest of nine.

And his dad died young, so he pretty much raised all the same feelings.

So I'm like, you've changed diapers, you've done this.

If he was really like, I really want one, like that's a make or break for me, I would do it.

I also think a really thing that I like about not having, or the idea of not having kids, is that I have money where my friends with kids, if they get into a pinch, they're fucked.

I can help them.

Yeah.

I can swoop down and go like, yeah, I don't, you know.

Yeah, here's like, here's a drum kit.

Yeah.

Here's my kid's sick.

Here's a drum kit.

Here's a new friend.

We need a here's a new fender stratocaster.

And I I bought classes.

They are in the hospital.

They're intense.

They're intense lessons.

She's going to wail.

Tell her to put glue into her fingertips like Stevie Ray Vaughan.

So he does?

That's what he used to do.

He used to put

it.

I think it was like

he would play the guitar so much you'd get holes in his fingers and then he'd fill it with glue.

Oh my God.

I don't know if you ever watched like old.

So my dad watches this.

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, you have the vibe.

I mean, I have the hair.

I have the hair of fucking

Motley Crew.

You were born to a Motley Crew video.

I think I definitely was conceived for sure to that.

Yeah.

That's so funny.

We're watching MTV.

It's like, come on, feel the no.

That's what it's like.

My dad's a back card.

Yeah.

I think I was probably conceived to like a like either Jimmy Buffett or some bar song.

Yeah, you'll be a Jimmy Buffett guy.

Yeah.

My dad was huge into Jimmy Buffett.

Was he?

Oh, my dad.

He died of cirrhosis, so it matches.

Well, he died of liver and kidney failure so that's he had hep a hep c the party one hep a is if you eat poop hep c is if you get pussy

hep c is if you get pussy in a trailer park

i don't know why i'm laughing this is hilarious like i feel bad so funny he really he fucked some trailer park slut and got hepatitis c and then did my parents friends did the same thing and then he just drank and then he died oh god he didn't know

it's kind of rule i've been waiting for fat tit neil that that slut's son to reach out because I talk about him ad nauseum.

Do you?

That was his other son?

It was, no, he wasn't my dad's son.

It was my dad's girlfriend's son.

And when I used to go visit their shit.

Fat Tit Neil.

That's what I called him.

That's hilarious.

As a 14-year-old boy, you had some fat tits.

I remember your little pepperoni nipples.

He's probably dead of fentanyl.

Were they like...

like the fat bastard kind of tits like yeah yeah like stuff underneath them yeah dude i fucking hated that kid he was so mean to me how that's the thing when those kids are mean like the bullies are like blocks

off and i realized why he was mean that was one of the first epiphanies i've ever had in my life i was 12 years old and i was like this kid's a motherfucker and he took his shirt off and i was like what's up fat tit neil and then immediately i was like this is why you're so mean you got those huge honkers fat tit neil that's that's some new merch for you yeah fat tit neil he's a character in the cartoon i just sold the fuck is he oh there you go i'm trying to get shane gillis to play fat tit neal he has to foot fox doesn't want me to call him fat tit neal you have to call him fat tit neal they want me to call him psycho neil no no don't be around.

No, Fat Tit Neil is fat tit Neil.

I'm way funnier.

You have to push for it.

That's a shame voicing a character named Fat Tit Neil.

You need him to be Fat Tit Neil.

Neil was so mean.

Of course he was.

He was big.

You know, when you're like 12, people that are 14 might as well be 30.

Yeah.

Like they're like...

Cellulite, the whole thing.

They're just like...

Two years is such a difference between 12 and 14.

And he liked my dad.

He like really liked me.

My dad was fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I visited and my dad likes me.

Obviously likes me.

I mean, come on.

yeah here's

i'm his son and also come on i don't have fat tits like you kneel at this i got puffy nipples but i don't have fat tits puffy nipples but i don't have fat tits what do you mean puffy nipples puffed up are puffy the whole nipple or the areola see like the whole and then when i get cold they get really small and i look ripped so whenever my nipples are fucking cold i'll i'll aggressively walk down wherever katie is and i'll go look how ripped i look

and i'm not i'm not in shape at all

she makes me feel in shape when my nips are all tiny.

I'm like,

fuck a jacket.

And she goes, oh, you're so jacked.

She plays a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's a good sport.

Yeah.

She fucking.

Let me bring that little micro over here.

Bring that micro over here.

She big tugs your little nigga.

She big tugs your little micro nips when they get all hard.

And I go, ooh.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Fat to Neil.

He's got to stay the character.

No, he's just saying that.

I hope he's dead.

If he's alive, I hope he watches this, and I hope he knows that I hope he's dead.

Yeah.

this is, I like, there's people that I hate, and I, I, I hope they watch my stuff.

I think they do.

I think they hate watching it.

Do you ever think about like ex-boyfriends that like follow up and watch like a clip of yours and go like, yes, my ex, who was a piece of fucking raging dog shit, like one of the worst people on the planet, like found out he was like bad to other women, like several, like one of those, like one of those bad, bad, bad, Salt Lake City's disgusting place, never going back.

I, he was obsessed with Happy Gilmore.

And my boyfriend is

Jefferson McDonald.

He's shooting McGavin's nephew and looks exactly like him.

And i know i know he knows

i know he sees it

i love it so he's obsessed with happy golf golfing is his favorite thing on the planet to do this the ex-blob and then i met jefferson and i golf with him now and i met i met shooter mcavin did you play golf with the shitty boyfriend no never so you got into it with the new boyfriend who's shooter mcgavin's nephew yes who looks exactly like shooter i i got you no he looks literally exactly like him it's actually like alarming there's nothing better than a spiteful glow up oh oh it's a spiteful glow up.

Okay, where is this man?

I love Una.

I love.

Look at my fucking boyfriend.

He looks like young shooter fucking McGitches.

He looks exactly like Sean Madden.

I know.

That's crazy.

It's crazy.

He also looks like Jack Del Rio, former head coach of the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Oh, does he?

There's that one.

He's a ball coach that looks exactly like Sean McGavin.

Yeah, dude, that's always fun to think about.

It gets me off.

I love when I'm doing, like, when I'm on stage yelling at a guy and he hates it, I'm like, I'm wet.

I'm like, you've no, when men like hate me, I'm like, why?

I don't know I feel like this power when I can embarrass them and they're just like fucking mad at me and their girlfriend's like dying laughing or something do you try to win a laugh ever

a lot of times

like I'm a pussy I want people to like no no no and so you

love leaving especially if it's one guy because the rest of the crowd's loving it especially if I really hone in on one idiot especially if they're like being loud or annoying

when you walk up and it's this it's the

woman

talk about sex whatever the fuck it is and then I'm like yeah like right now I'm screaming at this guy I'm lying because I posted a clip about whatever, some crowd, some riff about shampoo, guys using shampoo in the shower, and people are like going off on it.

And then his,

oh, with female comics only talk about sex.

And I'm like, buddy, this is 50 seconds of an hour.

Also, yeah, guess what?

Those clips go viral.

It's at a million views, you fucking piece of shit.

This is why I post it.

It's also very funny when,

because you're right.

The main attack on female comedians is all they talk about is sex, which is funny because those guys are calling whoever comedian they're criticizing, they're calling that woman a hack.

Yes, and they're doing the hackiest thing.

Yes, that's the hackiest.

Yes, you are

actually the hack.

Yeah, the hack is you.

Saying women aren't funny or having sex is the most hack thing you can say, yeah.

And every man you follow probably also does that.

As a dude, my favorite thing to do is when someone gives me the generic statement that women aren't funny, I will ask who their favorite male comedians are, and oftentimes they're not good.

Yes,

they are very popular, not good comedians.

And then you break it down and you go, this guy's joke structure shit.

What do you like about it?

And they go like, all right, all right.

Well, maybe.

Because it's so easy to go like, now I understand

disliking from like a pop standpoint.

Because a lot of times the stuff that's very popular isn't necessarily good.

But then to make the sweeping generalization, you're like, well, that's impossible.

I can tell you people.

Maria Banford's one of the best stand-up comedians of all time.

Squeak clean.

She's one of my favorite people to watch.

Unwanted Thought Syndrome for me is it, and it's like, so you're going to tell me I don't know funny when I can give evidence?

Yes.

Kirsten.

Every time I see you guys, Kirsten, I die laughing.

Her new hoop

is unbelievable.

Maddie Wiener.

Fucking rough.

Oh, I just, she's so fucking funny.

How funny is she?

Jordan Jensen.

Jordan Jensen, unbelievable.

Jordan Jensen is one of my favorite comics watching now.

It's insane.

I brought Maddie Weiner.

She featured for me at Indy Helium, and I just sat in the back hallway listening to her because I was like, every one of these jokes.

jokes murdering just a fucking Carmen Lagala.

I don't know if you've seen it.

Yes, I do.

She's so funny.

She's super funny.

But there are always people you go, well, you don't want...

Well, you also don't, you don't also, you don't watch female comics.

But I also, there's the male version of that is everyone going, well, he's bro.

He's just like a bro.

And you go, well, no, he's,

he's talking about male stuff.

So sometimes there's like, there's stuff that's just for men that like, from the outside, I can see why you think he's a bro.

Again, you're also based this off one fucking clip on Instagram.

It's like you're not, you're not looking at go to my other clips i do sketch like you're stupid i had a joke in um my hbo special about i think farts are funny or whatever and immediately this guy's like this is a louis bit and then what i love is when other people go what louie bit and he goes um

i don't know but i i swear i heard louie do this and you go oh so you're just this is What a lot of people don't realize about the internet that comics need to get better at realizing this is people just squawk on the internet just to squawk.

Yeah.

So sometimes going back and and forth, unless you got a point to nail down on a guy, you're just yelling at a fucking thing.

Yeah, nothing.

I'm yelling at nothing.

It's a waste of my time.

One time, Neil Brennan made the uh, he equivalent it to someone, you're yelling at someone driving by and yelling at you, yeah, and then you're standing there going, Well, fuck you, and I fucking, it's like you're not fine, they're not, they're not fine.

That's a very good and they're not, it's but I get wanting to push back, I want to push back on everything I read.

I just, I don't know why.

Some when it's that, that kind of irritates me because as I would think, if I were a woman, I would have a disgusting vagina, but

I would not keep it up.

Because if you see my...

My pussy would be gross, but I would probably get very annoyed with that exact thing.

It's just annoying, especially, I don't know.

Because I get the stuff of like, what are you a Rogan, bro?

And you're like, why?

Because I'm friends with people that go on Rogan.

You're like, no, I have my own thoughts.

Also, that person probably listens to Rogan and loves him.

Yeah.

That's always the weirdest thing when they go, oh, are you like that?

And you're like, no.

Some guy actually, I've been dying of this because

I screenshot it because I don't like to post this kind of shit, but it made me laugh.

Yeah, but get it out.

Craig, I've been watching you a lot.

December 1st, 2023.

I've been watching you a lot lately.

I think you're hilarious.

I was wondering if there are any good tips for someone trying to start their career in comedy.

Great.

Yesterday, 8 p.m., you're kind of a fucking bitch not replying to a fan.

My guy.

My guy.

My guy.

You waited.

Two years.

Two years.

Two years.

How long does he hold on to that?

Best part, he's still following me.

I checked today.

That's because those jokes are good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's still the product's good enough.

He's kind of a fucking bitch.

There's a person at your front door.

Ring wants you to know.

Oh, let me see you.

It could be Susan.

That's like a.

You know what?

I'm like holding her phone and I go,

Ring says your house is being burned down.

There was a shooting across the street the other day.

It's a guy raping your boyfriend.

Ring said this.

I don't know.

I think you might want to take this.

I love that ring camera.

I'm spying.

Oh, ring cameras.

Oh, I'm spying on my dad.

I love that.

that you have it in the house no no just the front door that's fun and i'm like i say things sometimes people when they walk by that's fun i know it's a fun game i'm very jealous because sagalo brendan sagalo has a cat and when we go on the road together he has a camera that watches his cat so we'll be in the green room i'll be missing old miss myrtle and then i'll just be like what are you doing sagalo and he's looking at his phone he's like i'm watching my cat and it's like just the camera following this cat around and it's like the camera will move and the cat will be like

they'll just go back to to it.

And I'm like, I'm kind of jealous of that.

If you see the one that throws the treats out for the dogs, you can like say a treat and a command and it will throw the treat out on the camera.

And you watch it.

Eagle treats.

Can we get that as a response?

Yeah,

grid down, chow down.

Are you, come on?

I mean, this is going to be just a dog podcast now.

I mean, dude, I will get all the treats.

I would kill for a camera to...

I would kill for my dog.

I would take a bull of my dog.

I always think that.

If someone's shooting and I like in slow motion, mid-air, like 90s.

Can I tell you that makes me feel really good?

Because I,

when I walk Myrtle,

oftentimes I fantasize about what would happen if someone wasn't paying attention and their car hit Myrtle while we were on a walk and how I would pull them out of their car and beat them to death.

Death.

On

6th Avenue.

You're dead.

I think about that a lot.

I hear because that's no.

I think about the physical that I could probably get my hand through the window.

And then once I had them, I would pull them, seatbelt or not.

Yeah.

I'm pulling them out.

And then I think, okay well what if they went to open the door then i would slam the door on their leg and then i would take them and i would slam the door on their head and by the way this is while i'm just still walking myrtle and i go like this don't eat that

you see me walking if you see me walking down the street walking my dog know that i'm fantasizing about kicking the shit out of someone that hurts my fat little

one she's chunky i like her little fat ball

when like during the pandemic when lady gaga's dogs got taken i fantasized because I have a golden retriever in East Hollywood.

Kind of stands out.

So I'm like, I will.

That's it.

Then you're shooting.

I'm that.

That's why watching John Wick for the first time, you were like, this is the perfect movie.

I can't.

The dog doesn't die, right?

Oh, the dog dies.

I can't watch it.

That's why.

This is why I want no.

The dog dies.

No, homeward bound.

All dogs go to heaven.

I can't even.

When

Shadow comes back over that hill?

Yeah, I love it.

Homeward Bound is one of the greatest ones.

When Shadow walks, actually, right now, this is what I think about.

Remember the movie Milo and Odyssey?

That you act.

I have.

Whenever I have a crying scene,

I audition and I'll think of my dog dying and start sobbing.

And my manager will be like, I think you need more crying roles, but it's just me thinking of Susan dead.

And I'm like, no, Sue, sweet Sue.

Sweet Sue.

Have you ever watched the movie Milo and Otis?

No.

It's like an 80s classic.

Don't look up the Wikipedia because you find out how many animals they killed.

Film.

No.

Yeah.

What?

Oh, it's wild.

They did a Legion of Skanks episode where they went through it because it was Lewis's favorite movie as a kid.

And you find out that was filmed without regulation.

But like Homeward bound and stuff, homeward bound, I think, had like animal cruelty charges on them.

They did.

Oh, yeah.

They don't film.

Oh, those dogs don't just participate.

They go, they do.

Look it up.

Look up Homeward Bound.

That's going to be so sad.

Sorry to do this.

Shadow's getting raped.

That's why he's walking so slow up the hill.

And they go, you know, they actually broke his leg.

You like find that out.

Or there's just like a wrangler who goes, I got to snap this lab's leg real quick for this shot.

And he goes, anyways, where do you guys want to go?

Arby snapping shoot?

He's like,

oh no i want to know homeward bound i know my own notice was chock full of animal rights violations i tried to get susan to be a acting dog i wanted her to because she's so fucking cute goldens are so stupid and cute yeah but then she doesn't listen so it's not gonna work yeah i i also the way that they do acting have you ever watched like behind the scenes clips of how they do with dogs acting and they go like over here over here over here and the dog's like

and there's just like a million treats myrtle would do it for the treats she just wouldn't listen no i can't even i'm I'm saying that word too loud right now.

She's on the other side of that door.

She's going like, what?

What?

I'm saying treats.

Seeing her in that crate, my eyeballs popped out of my head.

That's a room.

So people on Reddit, at least, are arguing that Milo and Otis, those are accusations

that aren't true.

But there's an article on Yahoo from April 23rd from Snopes that says animals were purportedly abused in making of the adventures of Milos and Oto.

Milo and Otis.

Here's what we found.

Unproven.

Okay.

Okay.

A Japanese film released in 1986 is one of the first and only hit films to feature an entirely live animal cast.

Okay.

However, without animation or CGI, the animal actors were allegedly exposed to danger and, according to some, died as a result.

Whoa.

Number one film for that year.

Japan is fucking nuts.

What was this movie?

Have you ever seen Milo Notis?

No, wait, I need to show you.

So there is actually no concrete evidence.

Okay, there's a show in Canada.

Maybe you should watch Milo Notis.

Hand Me the Hamster.

Have you ever heard of this?

No.

It was a TV series in Canada.

Okay.

And it was all about this guy that voiced a hamster.

Once upon a hamster, two seasons.

Okay.

Where this guy, it'd be like a, he'd get in cars with his like guinea big friend.

Great.

And they'd muck around.

But now I'm worried that like

he would drive, he would drive cars.

Oh, I'm recording nothing.

He would, like, drive around.

And the guy would be like, oh, I'm going to drive with my friends.

Hey, get in the Cadillac.

I mean,

his voice wasn't like that.

But it'd be like a mouse, a bunny.

You got to do your research.

I'm going to cry.

I had hamsters as a kid, too.

I'm going to buy it.

I did.

Hamsters, I feel like,

get

mistreated more than other animals.

Well, mine lived for six years.

It was so gross.

Its balls were...

He bigger dick than micro, I'll tell you that.

Damn.

It's nuts.

He would get so horned up, they would drag around the sawdust and leave like marks.

And then he had a jizz corner.

He had his P corner and he had his jizz corner.

He put his legs up on the back bars and he'd go and it would spray out.

And it was so hard to get, I'd have to clean it right away, or I'd have to get like a fucking screwdriver and a chisel.

It was so hard.

Steph, check this out.

And it was like, I'm not joking, six years.

It was so big.

And I think, I thought he died, but apparently hampers are going to hibernation.

And I threw him in a garbage can in Toronto.

I thought he was dead.

I think he was.

He's dead.

Just for her, just for her.

Takeout boss.

Yeah, he was dead.

But I put blankets in there.

Dude, he was like, she was like, bitch, I loved you for six years, and this is what I get.

I was sleeping.

He wasn't asleep.

That's like if I fell asleep and Katie was like, I put him outside.

He's dead.

I threw him down the garbage channel.

I was getting REM.

I was getting my REM side.

I finally fell asleep.

I finally got good sleep.

And I get thrown down the trash shoe.

Oh, no.

The special's out.

We're going to release this one, the special special's out, June 24th.

That is my birthday.

Oh, Netflix.

Shout out.

Hell yeah.

I know.

Go on Netflix, watch Steph Tollev.

She's fucking hilarious.

And as a birthday present to me,

I would appreciate you watching Steph Tollev.

Thank you.

I think we can hold this episode.

Can we hold this episode till June?

Yeah.

This was recorded way back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Way back in the day.

So anything said that is upsetting.

Fat Titanil, if you reached out, we've made our peace.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And micropenis, I'm glad you get a good big lick once in a while.

The Netflix special out now.

What's it called?

Filth Queen.

Love it.

Filth Queen.

If you like Bill Burr, too,

he produced it and

he's in the beginning of it because I want those views.

Old Billy Rednuts in the beginning.

Steph Tolov, the Dirt Queen.

I love it.

Filth Queen.

Dirt Queen's about a bit.

Dirt Queen's kind of fun.

Can you change it?

Filth Queen's fucking great too.

Filth Queen on Netflix.

Watch it.

You're absolutely hilarious.

I'm so glad you're here.

Thanks for having me.

And I hope Susan lives a very long life.

And so is Myrtle.

Oh,

there's a new pill.

Have you seen it?

I don't know, but I'll give it to her.

I'll hide it in cheese and I'll give it to her.

No, this new pill makes dogs live like 10 years longer.

Yes.

Myrtle's going to be 21.

I want her to be 23, dude.

Fuck it.

I'll have her in a wheelchair.

I don't know.

I'm going to go pet her right now.

Oh, yeah.

We'll let her in.

She's so soft.

She's got a haircut.

You can see the marks, the buzz marks.