85: Ice skating in Texas with Ali Siddiq | Soder Podcast | EP 83

Syracuse, New York.

It's been over 15 years, but I return to the funny bone.

I've actually, yeah, I think I've done the funny bone once.

June 13th, June 14th.

I'm gonna be at the funny bone for four shows.

Danceoder.com.

And then Stanford, Connecticut, New York Comedy Club in Stanford, June 20th and June 21st for four shows.

DanceOder.com for all my dates.

Thank you for letting me plug

you.

I plugged the shit out of you.

I say this all the time.

If my wife talked to me like Eric Abrams, we would have the perfect relationship.

She goes, hey, I understand what you were going for.

Maybe we readdress it.

That's what that's for a successful marriage.

One of you needs to be

a director, just like

a very

patient director.

Eric,

I would call Eric and I say, well, this is what I want.

And then, because he never says no.

Yeah.

Never says no.

Then he calls you back and he was like,

well,

I don't think that's going to work out, but I have.

four other options for you.

Great.

Because then you're not going.

You're not left with, like, when they say no, you're not left with, like, well, then what are we going to do?

You're left with, like, oh, these are the four options.

Well, let me take, what do you got?

Because you're immediately still moving forward.

Yeah, like, hey, I want a piano.

Like, I want a zip line to the stage.

What did you want originally in my, and what did you want on the special?

Oh, it, because he's taped every special that I've ever done.

Oh, really?

Yeah, Eric Abrams has taped all of them.

He did all the domino effects?

All the domino effects.

Yeah.

it's been that's awesome i love i love that

like a collaboration like that because there's like a comfort in making stuff where you just kind of come in and go hey you you know how i want to make it so it's like the same i have the same director the same cinematographer the same editing person and also that it gives the it gives it a feeling like each thing it's got a little bit of like you know a flavor to it where you go i know this

Eric had, the reason why it's called a domino effect is because of Eric.

The first one was actually called 1983.

That's when I was born.

Because I was starting it in 1983.

That's when you started hustling?

That's when the

dad?

Yeah, that's when I moved in with him in 1983.

Really?

So it was so unoriginal.

It was like, and the whole time.

I would have loved it, but I was born in 83.

So

I would have been popping for the wrong reason.

I'd be like, that's a great name.

Everyone's like, that name sucks.

I was like, shut the fuck up.

I was born there.

I like that.

I like it.

Yeah, he, man, he's Eric Abrams is the best.

I've never even thought of that of working with the same person.

You know, like, we make all the stuff.

He did my last special, but my HBO special was Chris Storer.

And then he went and made the bear.

So I don't think I can get him back.

I don't think I can go, like, hey, can you leave one of the most acclaimed shows to direct me to my silly stories?

And I think they'll do it.

What's that?

I think they'll do it.

Yeah, Chris was the fucking man.

It is fun when you find someone to work with in any field that understands kind of what you want to get across.

Because, man, if I told someone on paper about your special, they'd be like, well, how long is that?

And you're like, an hour.

Dude, it felt like when I watched the special last night, it felt like 30 minutes.

Like, I was like, I looked down.

I was like, oh, fuck, it's over.

When you were like, thank you, Dallas, I was like, no fucking way.

First off, the story about your son at the at the cookout giving the fancy

made me i was laughing about that after i watched the special because there's something about going please what go watch the special that that's why you know just click the link below but go watch ali sadiq's new special my two sons on youtube where he talks about both of his sons, his older one and his younger one, but the younger one that grew up rich.

The whole idea of going to the neighborhood that your dad grew up in and being fancy is so funny.

Because that's how I felt when I used to visit my dad in Northern California was my mom had me in like a nice suburb in Aurora, Greenbelt.

I played Little League.

I was on an AYL team.

Everyone was like, yeah.

And then I'd go to my dad and I'd be like, Does everyone think I'm gay?

Because I was like, you know, I was like 12 years old.

But I'd be like, and specifically, I remember they're getting like blackout drunk at the lake because these are lake people.

Lake Whites.

Let me tell you something about them.

They are a dangerous bunch.

They're a dangerous bunch.

Anyone that stays by a lake that isn't rich is a fucking dangerous bunch.

And I remember being at my dad's girlfriend's house, super white trash.

You know what I mean?

And I'm like,

we have dinner at six.

Because that's what my mom cooks dinner.

Every night, my mom would cook dinner.

Single mom, but she would make sure we had dinner at six o'clock.

Had a plan.

Had a plan.

We're going to have a vegetable, a carbohydrate, and a source of protein.

My dad, I'm watching him just down another fifth of a card and he goes, I'll do a hamburger helper at like midnight.

And I'm like, I'm like fighting sleep as a kid.

Yo.

But I'm interested to know when your son grows up, if he had that same feeling of like, you're kind of aware that you might be embarrassing your dad.

There is, did you feel like he had any of that in him?

He didn't give a damn.

He didn't give a fuck.

Yo, man,

I would take two dozen oysters.

Yeah, that was my favorite part where he was like, I don't eat catfish.

What else do you have?

And they're like, flounder.

It's so funny.

He don't give a damn.

He is like, yo, man, this is.

I literally, this kid,

and I love him for it.

He, we were going somewhere and he literally said,

is this the regular line or the VIP line?

So fucking funny.

And I was like, yo, man, it doesn't matter what line.

And then I had to think about it.

we had just went to the rockets game yeah and we went through the entrance where the players go through yeah because i was shooting the um the shot for charity so it was a whole thing and it's like hey man my first experience at this particular place i came through and it was we parked our truck by all the rest of the fancy trucks and we walked through and it was i had a name i had a name tag they knew i was coming Like, why am I on a regular line?

Why would you think this is how regular people go in?

Everyone gets a name tag?

Hey, look at this here.

He's like, how you doing?

I'm excited to get drunk and kicked out when I yell something at one of the players.

It is, you know, I always think about that when I see kids in first class.

I'm always like, when we're flying somewhere and a kid's just sitting there like with their screen time and you're like, you have no idea how bad a middle seat is all the way in the back and how much waiting you you have to do.

So, Hassan,

I can see how Hassan is like he is.

Hassan has had a passport since he was two years old.

See, that's insane to me.

I remember being a grown man and having, I felt retarded.

I felt like when they let special needs people live on their own and they show them how to like make stuff and they go, you got to do this.

And I go, and I do it like that.

And they're like, you did do it.

Like, that's how it was with my passport thing.

I was like, where do I go?

And they're like, the government.

you have to go to a government building like i wanted to go to like the passport store but someone who's two years old and is just like oh god he's gonna be like it's funny to think he's like you know 12 and he's like look how young i was in my passport photo it's like you're two years old 14 now it's 14.

so he's like oh this is he has his his passports that he's he has to change them at this point and he has the stamps he's like yo look where look at the places i've been he goes did you know that they won't stamp it israel if if you go there?

You get a separate photo?

Because the other countries won't like it if you go in there with it.

And you go, how do you know so much about geopolitical fucking shit?

Is he, do you do a thing?

I don't have kids.

We're not having kids.

You know, we got uncle and aunt energy.

And I think that's great.

I think if I had a kid, I would constantly be like thinking about when I was 14.

This is, I mean, when you were 14.

You just made me laugh so hard inside because I've been with Eric for a long time.

yeah

and eric was like oh we were just having the dogs and we just had a dog and sam his wife used to be my manager yeah i remember yeah so they just you know just having the dogs x y z and then

they got pregnant okay and i was like oh so you're not having a kid huh

and i mean i've had i'm one of the group of multiple multiple friends of mine that have been like no kids and all of a sudden they go

this april and you go this april what we were all in agreement What are you talking about?

And you're like, this April, a special little bundle's joining us.

And you're like, motherfucker, you didn't even want to pull me aside and go, hey, we're out of the team.

We're going otherwise.

I can't wait to come back in a year, year and a half to this podcast.

I'm going to tell you right now, what it's going to be is it's 15 years, and you're going to have to walk up some grassy hill.

You're just going to hear a bunch of dogs howling.

And you're like, Soda lives up at that cabin at the end of that windy path.

And I'm going to come out with a long beard and go, it never happened.

Maybe it should have.

Like, to not have children,

you have to stop practicing.

Or you just go get your fucking shit done.

You didn't snip your ball.

I'm about to, though.

You're not doing it.

Are you kidding me?

I have a bunch of friends that do it.

The process is crazy.

It's scary.

For no reason.

Like, it's not a kid.

Like, I have a plethora of kids.

I'm supposed to get clipped.

I know.

You.

I don't want.

I don't want kids.

I genuinely don't want kids.

All is fun.

Like, you would be the best.

I think I'd be

a great dad i think i could be a better

i could be a better uncle i could i could imagine myself being your son and i'm in trouble and you come in with the sean connery yeah sean connery voice yeah disciplining your child in impressions i don't know how

i would love it like yo he goes i know you got in trouble by didn't zale watch

he goes i know my i know i'm in trouble when dad whoops my ass like andre the giant

yeah i would get in trouble to hear you to see what you're going to come in there and say, yeah, you're like, oh, dude, if Rodney Dangerfield gives it to me today,

he's giving your mother no respect.

She cooked a hot meal for you.

Now I'm going to take it over my knee and eat the shit out of you.

I'll get my friends.

Hey, y'all.

It's even funnier to think about a domestic, like if I got taken in by child protective services and then I had to do like testimony and they're like, did you put your hands on your child?

You go, I did not.

Macho man Randy Savage might have.

He's like, when a time comes to hold,

and they're like, don't do it.

I love it.

Oh, yeah.

Just Arnold Schwarzenegger used to beat my ass as a kid.

But I mean, like, you know, I think it's just a decision that I've made that I'm comfortable with.

And I, it just was like, yeah, fuck it.

I, you know, I'm all right.

I'm just going to have a bunch of dogs and be a weird dude living on a hill.

I always kind of knew I was headed that way, too.

Yeah,

when I was young, I always understood that.

They're like, that guy's weird.

He lives up, fucking, you know, and I'd be like, no, no, no.

that dude's got privacy he was a seven year old kid you go stay off that old man's land you just got privacy i i understand

because i i own land and i don't want people that don't belong on it on it yeah like why would you i've never

like the get off my grass sign yeah like i want to purchase so many of them oh my gosh like stay off my grass

you and your dog like it's definitely a homeless cat that lives in our neighborhood that'd be shitting in my yard in particular.

I can't wait to catch him.

That's the fun part.

Listen,

the next step for me is getting out of an apartment in New York and

getting into a house.

I went to Big Jay lives in Jersey, and I went out to his house, and it was like, I got it.

I can't fucking coming back here.

Don't come to my house.

Is it that nice?

giant backyard.

You would be so pissed.

Oh, my God.

We sat in Jay's backyard.

Katie and I sat in Jay's backyard, and you might as well have put army blankets around us.

We felt like we just survived something.

We're like sitting there, like, this is how people live.

You just had

grass and fucking.

I only have three acres.

Oh, fuck.

So you could take long walks and just on Monday.

It's all your shit.

Where I live at.

Fuck.

It's a ravine in the back.

It's,

and it was crazy, I bought this land based upon this.

I walked away from the house.

Sure.

And then I couldn't see the house down the, I went down this little hill and this man like, yeah, this is all yours.

And then I felt so peaceful.

Like, it just felt so peaceful.

I just sat on the ground and I was like, this is fucking awesome.

Yeah.

And I was like, yo, man, do the paperwork, bro.

That's insane.

It's,

ah, it's, crazy.

To have your own peace of mind like that, just to go somewhere and go, I could take a dump right here and no one would say shit.

My kids can run.

My kids can run away on your land.

On my land.

And

I wouldn't even worry about them.

I'm like, yo, they've been going outside forever.

I don't know.

That's got to be so fun.

Like, I saw him when he was younger, like camping, going, just going camping out in your backyard.

You can go outside.

Just go camp out back.

Are there like other animals in your...

what do you got?

It's everything that comes with like oh fuck.

So, you got like rattlesnakes and shit.

I've watched these birds come as a group, they just flew in my back, and they just did all this little picking that they was gonna do.

And I was just like, I didn't even think about shooting none of them.

I was just like,

That is cool.

Yeah, it's and it's everything out there: snakes, turtles.

It's my son was fishing, and he sent.

This is how crazy this damn boy is.

is he's taking a selfie of him

and he has his fishing rod and i see something else and then it's this white guy in the back what the fuck is he doing

and they caught this alligator that was attached to the fish and i'm like why is my son so comfortable When he's taking a selfie of it, it's so funny.

Check out this rural white that popped up.

I caught an alligator and a white guy.

He's like, How are you?

That's insane.

The guy got out and he helped him get an alligator.

I was like, this is

what a fun.

That's fucking Huckleberry Finn shit.

That's just like you just go run around in nature and fucking lit.

I mean, that's

honestly probably the coolest form of success for me is that you can just go get lost on your own land.

Yeah.

I don't even know where I am.

I might die out here.

And

it's a lady that lives in front of me that's a professor at Rice.

Okay.

At Rice University, very prestigious

Ivy League College.

She has a barn.

She owns 22 acres that's in front of us.

She has 22 horses that she rescued and all this.

And she's out there every single day, her and her helper.

And I've never waved at somebody so much from a distance.

Yeah.

Because my land is over here, her land is over here.

Yay!

Oh, you're black?

Oh, fuck.

I just realized that.

I would also, if I were it, let me tell you right now, if I found out my professor was out here saving 22 horses, I'd be like, how the fuck did you read my paper?

Yeah.

You're a fucking farmer.

She's definitely that.

I mean, it's 22 horses.

Do she let if you go over there, can you?

Oh, yeah, my kids ride.

You just go ride horses?

Kids can ride horses.

That's awesome.

See, that's the cool thing that, like, for the stuff in, and especially you talk about when you like want your sons to stay with your cousin and that kind of like keep that that like your childhood or whatever I when I was 14 I couldn't be like yeah, can you Can you put new shoes on that horse and saddle it up?

I'd be like no, that's like me asking to get a passport I was like stuck in this weird you know, he was gonna be the do the equestrian the equestrian stuff.

He did it when he was younger So we had all the riding gear.

He was taking the courses and all that.

Hassan is Hassan is a fucking renaissance man.

I love that.

He just lives his life.

He can just pull up and go and he'd be like, yeah, get on, father.

He can do that.

We ride.

We're going to ride for the daylight.

A son is fucking cool.

Yeah, that's awesome.

That is cool as shit that he can.

So he is getting ready to start playing hockey, right?

So he is getting ready to start playing hockey, right?

He's out because

he box, which is.

It's weird.

New York people, y'all are so weird.

You do know they have ice rinks everywhere.

For sure.

I'm not blown away by the science of it.

I'm not like, okay, like, hold the fuck on.

How are you melting?

How are you fucking freezing your pawn?

So you're if we just play.

It's always a crazy thing.

I'm saying, and they like, Texas, like, yo, y'all, they don't melt.

Ice don't melt.

Texas always strikes me as football, one, baseball, two.

Hockey doesn't seem like it was.

Now, if you were in Wisconsin, Ohio,

even arizona when i lived in arizona i just found out one of the best players i'm getting into the nhl now okay because my in-laws are all bruins fans i'm getting into the nhl i think his name is connor mcdavid okay all right that's okay that's fun so that is in texas i love that I love that.

That's cool as shit.

He's showing me a routine of his daughter doing some figure skating.

That's fun as hell.

That's fun as hell.

I love it.

But Texas doesn't strike me as, see, like, when I grew up in Colorado, there was no hockey.

And Colorado's cold and shit.

But then when I went to the East Coast, everybody was like, oh, my brother played hockey.

I played hockey.

Everybody on the east coast, I feel like, plays hockey.

Texas, Colorado, all that area,

I never saw it or even knew it.

But you're right.

Now with all these indoor rinks, everyone can play.

A lot of indoor rinks.

Is he good at skating?

Is Hassan good at skating?

Very good at skating.

Because those motherfuckers can walk.

It's like they're walking

in Mizzou is

lease figure skate with his sister so they can do the

together, the couple thing.

Yeah.

And then if they don't like that, they can go into professional wrestling with the outfits.

Yeah, but she is definitely

like she is highly recruited.

That's awesome.

She's been in eight competitions.

She has six first places.

Damn, all your kids compete because your oldest son boxes.

Hassan boxes.

Hassan boxes.

And that's the thing about him on this hockey.

Oh, they're fucked when they pull that jersey.

First time.

Really, like,

it could be something happening on the other end of the ice.

And he's like,

you're not even down there.

It's such a job.

Oh, my God.

There is going to be, when he starts doing those, like,

if he continues on and he does those like high-level tournaments or whatever, he's going to bump into a Canadian guy that's like, I'm going to go, watch me go chirp.

Watch me go chirp with this guy.

And then Hassan's going to drop those gloves.

And it's going to be a problem.

He's going to be the only hockey fight going,

and they don't make that.

And a hockey fight, they don't ever make that noise.

And he goes, oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

I mean, it's good.

That is really good on them skates.

How early did you get him into boxing?

Six.

Six years old?

Five, six.

Yeah, his older brother was, you did it.

His older brother was doing it.

So it was like, did you go to the same gym that you sparred your son at?

He actually had, Hassan has actually had his own trainer since he was like five, six.

Yeah, this coach.

That's crazy.

He just comes over.

Like, I've been with Eric, he's been with the same boxing coach.

Isn't that cool that you can provide that to your kids, that a personal boxing coach comes over?

Yeah.

Not having to learn how to throw from your mom's drunk boyfriend?

He goes,

this is how you hold the baseball.

And you go, okay, your breath stinks.

You get some snap on it.

You go, don't hug me.

I don't like when you hug me either.

Just in the backyard throwing.

He's like, that's it.

Yeah.

Just having a private coach is the shit.

Yep.

And throwing the, I mean, being able to throw your hands when you play hockey is

part of it.

It's definitely part of it.

He's going to get that rep where they're like, just don't pull that over.

Yeah.

Hey, just not him.

Because I would say the group that you don't want to fight.

The most unexpected group would be martial artists because you don't know their training and they could be great.

And then followed by hockey players.

Because hockey players look for it they just go like oh yeah you want to fight yeah yeah they pull out when somebody pulls up your shirt i don't want to fight anybody that already has teeth missing yeah where they get to where they have to remove part of themselves to fight you if i was fighting a guy goes let me take my ear off i go no because i'm pretty sure fighting's how you lost that ear definitely i don't want to

one of my favorite if you're ever bored on the road on youtube type in hockey player shit talking on youtube i'm doing it it's so fun because a lot you know it's just like guys skating by each other and they're like, yo, on a goal?

They're like, I'm going to drop.

You ready to drop, bud?

And then they're like at the face off and they're like, and then

it's fucking great.

Hockey fights are the shit.

This is the thing that's helping me get into hockey is watching these YouTube videos.

I used to go watch the Arrows play.

Okay.

We had a amateur team, the Arrows.

Yeah, I used to go watch them play.

I mean, the Stars are good.

Yeah, that's Dallas.

Yeah, Houston doesn't have a team.

Yeah, we used to have the Arrows.

There was a little amateur team.

Who else, how many hockey teams are in Texas?

Is it just the Stars?

Just the Stars.

Yeah, it's just the Stars.

Yeah.

Who were the.

It's funny because it's like there was one of those sports teams that was named after where it was from because it was the Minnesota North Stars, which makes sense.

And then they just go to Dallas.

It's like when they called the LA Lakers.

You're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

I love that old school lazy shit of like, yeah, we're moving them and we ain't even fucking changing it.

Like that idea,

they're like, jazz in Utah.

Suck my dick.

Buy a dude.

jersey

could have been

we're from new orleans yeah he goes yeah we're just bringing jazz with us like now they try but back then when they would move a team they go we have all the jerseys printed who who like what did they change their name to new orleans got a team the pelicans they're the pelicans because they were the hornets

but then they gave it back to charlotte when they made the charlotte hornets a whole new team like why would you be called the pelicans we slurp birds it's the state fish It's the state bird of Louisiana, but still, there's so many cooler things that have happened in Louisiana.

Than the Pelicans.

The Pelicans?

It's like you might as well, it'd be like if New York called the team the Pigeons.

You'd be like, well, sure, they're there.

You don't have to fucking celebrate them.

I always don't, when someone comes with like a lame name, Washington Commanders

blows.

Yo, man.

Just be the generals, the admirals.

Be the commanders, be the oligarchs, be whatever the fuck you want to, but commanders,

stinks.

It just sucks.

And they, you know,

my buddy is the coach of the Dolphins.

And I always, yeah, I grew up with him.

And I always tell him, like, yo, throwback.

Because they got these, they got, you know, this logo, the dick going through the new bar ring.

And I'm always like, dude, the logo sucks.

Throwbacks.

I'm very aggressive about telling him to wear throwbacks.

And he's like, dude, we can't.

The owner spent

something like $3 million on the logo.

And you're like,

give me a million.

I'll come up with a better logo than that.

A cartoon dolphin with a hat on, with a helmet on, fucking rules in front of a sun.

This weird alien dolphin, you paid $3 million for that?

We the Texans.

I know.

That was.

So lazy.

That was lazy as fuck.

The Houston Texans.

And you guys.

oilers the oilers oilers which i mean listen throwback gear yeah you guys are top three cold as hell it's oh my god the earl campbell oh man that 35 that light that baby blue wasn't he 34 34 yeah i i all i only know it because there's a video of christopher cross who does uh like sailing There's a live concert for him in the 70s, and he's got a double neck guitar and just rocking an Earl Campbell jersey.

Earl was a fucking man.

Yeah, I mean Eddie George, you guys had

some, we had some

boring moon.

Do you get mad when the Tennessee Titans wear those Oilers jerseys?

Those little bit.

Because you're like, what the fuck are you doing?

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, your stepmom's wearing your old mom's wedding ring.

She's like, your mother used to wear this.

You're like, get out of that, bitch.

She's dead.

Don't wear my fucking dead mother's shit.

The fuck?

She's like, your father says it looks real sexy when I wear your mom's stuff.

And you're like, I'll kill you, bitch.

That would be fucking horrible that you'd have on your mom's wedding ring.

You raggedy bitch.

That's what it is.

That's what the Titans are doing to you.

They go, I like the way it looks.

You go, fuck you.

That's not yours.

You better not fucking.

You don't know about Love You Blue.

I hate you.

Yeah, dude.

You guys need to take that back.

The Texans is just, it was a miss on a name because it just sounds like they're talking about you guys.

I know it's supposed to be a reference to like the Texans.

I don't know.

What is it?

Dallas, Texans.

Yeah.

San Antonio or Texans.

Waco or Texans.

Everyone.

Amarillo's Texans.

It's all Texans.

It's all Texans.

The state is Texans.

Yeah.

Yeah, they should have done the rattlesnakes or something fucking cool.

Remember, we had the Gamblers.

Yes, in the XFL.

Yeah.

Yeah, you guys had the Houston Gamblers.

By the way, cool fucking logo.

Cool ass uniform.

Yeah, you guys out of the XFL, you guys might have had.

Kelly.

Yeah.

Man, oh, bro.

The gamblers all blacked out.

Yeah.

It was dope.

XFL had the fucking, that was the best one.

You guys in Memphis, the Maniacs, they had some wild fucking uniforms, but they were cool.

That's what I would, I wish I could wear, you know, I would wear old school uniforms all the time, but then you end up looking like Kevin Smith, and it looks all weird.

You know what I mean?

Old white dudes in jerseys, you're like, what's going on, man?

I bet you got a terabyte of something that's going to put you in prison?

It's like you got them, just got, oh, you just got back from Korea.

this is my asian wife as i wear an old grant hill jersey old grant hill pistons jersey this is my taiwanese bride yeah just something looks off i would i would i want a male order bride oh my god i think i think male order bride would be

it would wear off very quickly like Put her right next to my real bride.

And go.

Like, look, hey.

Like quarterbacks, like a quarterback controversy.

Just letting you know, you throw a couple picks.

You can't understand a lick she has, but I got this app on my phone that tells me, and she's ready.

She's ready to step up.

I think my wife would take advantage of it.

Like, having her do shit.

Oh, my God.

They become friends.

We're mad at you.

For what?

Olga brought up that year some Russian bitches giving her dirt on me.

You let him talk to you like that.

And you go, hey.

Hey,

hey.

I'll fucking return your ass.

She taught me how to return stuff recently.

Fucking

I mean, there's no way if you, my question is, now that like Russia's popping off, all the guys that got mail-order brides in like the 90s and early 2000s, are you at home going like, you a spy?

You know what I mean?

Yo, okay, speaking of spies, remember the redhead, that guy called the gun?

Yes.

I swear on everything.

Just type in redhead spy woman.

Yeah.

New York City.

She's definitely, but she lived in D.C., right?

That's what it was.

It was D.

I was on.

She lived in D.C.

I'm doing a show in D.C.

at DC Improv,

and it's hard for me to forget this tall redhead woman that wanted to take a picture.

Wearing a Carmen San Diego hat.

And I was like, yo,

when she got arrested, I was like, y'all think this is the lady that was at my show?

Yeah.

And as I looked at, I was like, this is the fucking lady.

That's insane.

And she was at my show in Washington, D.C.

before she got arrested.

She's going back and briefing.

She's like,

I heard this bit tonight.

Y'all love it.

It's about this man, Alec Dick.

He was selling Craig cocaine in Houston, Texas.

And it has this story about his father leaving Bucks.

And they're like, all right, all right all right we need to send you more details

no no no i want to tell you the joke the joke i'm sending it up so you understand

like it's your shit being told to like some fucking tgb

man and i was like yo and when i saw it i'm like i hope they don't come question me about oh yeah that's funny i was like they gonna i told i entertained her yeah

at a club i didn't know she was there yeah that's like that mark that's like that um the mark i think i have it around here where is it the mark jackson

NBA card where the Menendez brothers are in the back after they killed their parents.

They were just on the lamb and they went to a Knicks game court side.

And they use that picture as Mark Jackson's NBA card.

And just in the back, you can just see the Menendez brothers.

And you're like, that's crazy.

Just forever.

We have that somewhere.

I don't know.

I got to find it.

It's fucking nuts.

You think they're getting off?

Yeah.

I think everyone's getting pardoned now.

Yeah.

I think there's a chance Diddy goes free.

I really think there's a chance.

I really think there's a chance the fucking Trump turns around and goes like, yeah, he's free.

And everyone's like, fuck.

Oh, man, he just pardoned Larry Hoover.

I know.

He's pardoning everybody.

He pardoned NBA Youngboy.

Yeah.

Listen, he's also getting cred.

He knows how to move.

This guy knows how to move.

Here's the one thing about politicians.

They're all dorks, so they don't know how to move.

This guy isn't a politician.

So he comes in and he's like, I don't know.

What does the guy do?

Fuck it.

Let Hoover out.

You know what I mean?

He's like going.

He's like, NBA, young boy, my friend likes you.

Come on out.

Yo, I'm it's the club.

He's like coming out the club being like, come on.

Yeah, I'm waiting for

the real ball to drop.

If he fucking pardons,

Charles Manson.

That's I honestly,

can I tell you right now?

Oh, shit.

I'm there for that.

Trump Trump is fucking...

He don't get...

They better let him out of a tunnel, like open a thing.

And they go, ladies and gentlemen, the murderer.

Yo, I can see this shit happening, man.

He's fucking.

First off.

He pardons Charles Manson.

That shit is fucking crazy.

I'm kind of down for it.

Then start getting real weird.

Start letting out some people that you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't put him on the street.

Nah, I put him right on the street.

I made him mad, too.

Yo, I think the dude who did the chainsaw mad because Massacre is still alive.

He's like, yo, I'm letting all the fucking villains out.

Here's what I'm doing.

I'm putting together a group of mass shooters, white guys that can't make eye contact.

That's the new Delta Force.

He's just letting out that.

That's who we send into fucking countries.

Shit.

It's just

all these white guys that haven't gotten pussy that wanted to shoot up a mall.

And then they're just like,

you know the scene where they're always in the helicopter with the red light, it's just them, you know, this commenting on girls' profiles.

Slut, this is the real fucking odd squad, yeah, that's what it is.

That's the A team, it's the real odd squad, called the B team, and they got the what's the movie where they got the shark dude and the girl, oh, yeah, suicide squad, yeah, suicide squad.

This is the real fucking suicide squad.

I'm putting together a team of the best school shooters and pedals that this country's ever seen.

Oh, man, I stopped, I stopped touching kids years ago, and he goes, I need you back,

just one more kid i can't do it anymore i can't yeah that would be just start making it real interesting they go he goes you know that cannibal there's like stories like you know the lexington cannibal i'm pardoning them i'm letting him out yo btk yeah all of them i'm letting all is ted bundy still around no he's dead he did died in jail he's trying to think who else and trump is it's like he asking hey what about ted bunny he's that shit he's just funny he's bored he's dipping a fry and mustard he goes is Kaczynski still alive?

Let him out.

That's like that scene in Demolition Man.

Do you remember that?

Where Simon Phoenix has the thing and he's just like going through.

This Charles Manson shit scares me.

I could see him fucking doing it.

Charles Manson's.

Here's the thing.

He's too old.

He's too crazy.

He's like lost his mind.

He's not like, anytime they bring him up now, check how close to death he is.

He might be.

There's a chance he dies before we release this episode.

Like, that's how old he is.

Like, we could do this episode, and then we go, remember when we talked about Charles Manson?

He fucking died?

Like, that's how close to death I think he is.

83.

83, but prison 83.

So that's 96 at least.

They keep him completely

away from the general pop, right?

I don't know.

No, he's dead.

Oh, Manson's dead?

Manson's dead?

Charles Manson's Damn.

November 19th, he died.

Died November 19th?

2017?

He's been dead for eight years.

No, shit.

Sorry, Chuck.

We're not going to edit out that out of the podcast.

We're talking about it.

We didn't pay enough attention.

Hey, man, they keep showing interviews on him like he's still here.

Well, the next thing you're telling me is that Lee Harvey Oswald still is dead.

To save people that are obviously dead.

Oh, yeah.

Timothy McVay is dead.

Sure.

Damn.

Yeah, I don't know.

They kept that on the raps.

Don't tell anybody that Charles Manson died.

He died in 2017.

That's, I don't feel like I fucking remember that at all.

I thought that would have been way more.

Oh, fuck.

Okay.

All right.

Well, we don't have to worry about that.

Well, rest easy.

Charles Manson ain't getting out of prison.

Sure not.

I feel better.

Yeah.

It would, I mean, sometimes that shit of like the pardon has to be.

Did you ever know a guy that got pardoned or got like released early because of evidence?

Nope.

Everybody just did their time and got out.

Yep.

That's fucking wild.

How good does it feel to get out of prison?

Well, I've been out for.

No, but I mean the day.

The day you go out.

Oh, man.

Amazing.

Is it like...

But it's very scary because you.

It depends on how long you've been in.

Sure.

You know, it's like, damn, now would I go?

Yeah.

It's that.

It's, oh, I'm happy to be out, but where do I go?

Who picked you up?

I rode the bus home.

Yeah.

Did your family know you were getting out?

Yeah,

they just didn't want to.

It was too far.

Okay.

I mean, I kind of would, I feel like that's where I'd get a little huffy.

Where I'd go, oh, too far.

You know, it's just fucking getting out of jail.

But

fuck me, I guess.

It's too far.

They give you a bus ticket home.

They do.

Yeah, the prison gives you a bus ticket home to wherever you're going.

Just some lady there is like, where are you going?

And you're like, home finally.

Yeah.

Is it just a regular bus?

Is it just

a greyhound?

Just a greyhound?

Yeah, like you're on there with regular people.

Just going home.

But the door opens and everyone's like, and who are these guys?

Who are we picking up?

Everybody knows that you look like prison.

Yeah.

Like, and I remember years ago when I used to ride the bus with my grandmother.

And they would, guys would get on the Greyhound.

I was like,

he doesn't look like he's been here.

Why is he looking around so much?

He looks very, he keeps giving out big breaths and going, finally, it's over.

Yeah.

I mean, was there, I mean, that's got to be,

so you know, when you're on the road, I don't know if you have this experience like I do when I'm on the road, but sometimes you'll go on the road and then you'll like get some deep sleep and you'll wake up and be like, where the fuck am I?

And then you have to do that thing where you're like, the time.

Yeah.

Did you have, how much did that happen when you got out?

Oh, none.

None.

Oh, I I was like.

So you wake up.

Oh, wake up.

I know exactly where the fuck I'm at.

And it ain't prison.

Went to bed comfortably.

Got up comfortably.

But on the road, because I get up sometimes and think that I'm supposed to be somewhere else.

Oh, wake up late for work?

Oh, I'm not, oh, I'm not there yet.

Yeah.

Like, I wake up.

Oh, I'm supposed to be there.

I missed my flight.

Yeah.

And fuck.

And then I

leave out the room.

Like, I haven't got up and left out the room.

To the point where you're out of bed, clothes on, grab stuff.

I just grabbed my stuff.

I'm going to get dressed in the car and then got my bag.

And then I'm in the fucking hallway.

Then I got to go down to the desk.

I left my key.

I didn't grab the.

You thought you were leaving.

I thought I was going down.

Can I get a key to my room?

I woke up scared.

Like, what you got going on?

Like, your shirt's half on.

You're like, I woke up scared.

I forgot that I'm supposed to be here another night.

Please let me go back into my.

yeah, I.

Especially when I first started doing the theater tours.

Because it's a different show.

It's a different thing.

That we're doing this fall.

I'm doing my first theater tour.

And I was just saying, we've done a couple runs.

We've done like a couple like three city things and I'm not adjusted to it.

I'm still used to clubs.

I'm still used to get there Thursday.

Yeah.

You're comfortable there Friday.

By Saturday, it just feels like your house.

Yeah.

You just come in your hotel room.

Yeah, and then Monday you leave.

Yeah, and then you're just like, oh, I get it.

You're,

you ever did a theater tour before?

No.

It's my first one this fall.

I'm going to tell you this.

This is when you're going to, the first time you're going to ever actually feel like you're on tour.

Because this shit is different.

Yeah.

And it's,

and

even

the, you're going to be way more tired than

normal, like you're on the road.

Yeah.

So,

and you adjust to the length of the stage,

it's two different I was thinking about that recently, two different

things.

You do a great job of moving around.

I've always noticed on your special, you'll just, and not in a way that looks obvious, but you're just like in one part telling like part of the story over here, and then the next part you're over here.

I've always really admired when people can move around on stage, get ready to do anywhere from

one to three miles of just walking

just you gotta think of the length of the stage you up there for an hour yeah you're moving back and forth because it's no just being in the middle because it's people over there there's people over there and you have to back up something you have to go for it's a lot more work than the what 20 feet on a stage i mean comedy club you move even a little bit and they're like look at this performer he's about to fall out oh my god he moved five feet this guy really takes advantage of it.

Sound check.

Sound check.

Yeah.

You don't have to do a sound check in a comedy club.

You should, but it's not required.

Yeah, I was thinking about that when we were just on the road and I was here and I was like, I would have changed the mic a little bit.

It was tinny and a little over modulating.

Yep.

And I was like thinking about that.

You got to go through all that.

You're lighting.

You really got to like do a lot.

You know what else?

I got to put together a playlist.

For the while they're waiting.

They were like, oh, you can put together like what songs you want while people are sitting.

Yeah, we have a DJ for that just

to entertain before we get out there.

I'm doing a book on tape.

I'm just going to have different chapters of books on tape.

Chapter four.

I'm going to fall asleep waiting for this motherfucker's show.

Yeah, and then the green room, the distance from the green room,

what size you entering the stage.

Yeah.

You know, it's a...

I got to do a writer.

You're supposed to do a writer with the club, but I got to do like an actual writer.

And that's nice.

A showrunner is going to go get it they were like oh like i i was like oh i want this kind of like uh seltzer and like coffee or whatever and then i went in and i was like oh fuck you guys like actually that's still where my brain's at where i go oh you like went and did it and they're like yeah the guy this weekend was like hey i can't find a clock for the stage and i was like oh that's for the theater thing like they're sending it to the clubs because we're still in that middle space we're doing some clubs that's the you have a um who's doing your your tour uh outback yeah so you have a i got a tour i got We got a tour guy, and he also, I've been opening for Shane in a couple of days.

What's his name?

Adam.

Good.

As long as y'all don't have my guy, Jake.

Okay.

My guy is the best.

That's so funny.

Because I took him best at fucking Outback.

You start getting possessive of him because

he's Shane's guy for the arenas.

Shane Gillis.

Yeah.

And then

I did a couple arena gigs with Shane, and then he was like, oh, I'm here.

And then we've been doing other gigs.

And I'm like, you're going back to Shane?

You're going back to those giant arenas, you, you greedy bitch.

You like, start getting possessive about him.

Yeah, man.

Jake is our guy.

Yeah.

But they tell you all the information.

People don't know what a tour manager does.

They basically give you all the information you're going to need so that you can just go and do it.

They do up all the stuff where you're like, all right, here's your hotel.

This is when you're getting picked up.

This is when sound check is.

This is when you're there.

What do you need?

They'll get you stuff.

I got food poisoning in LA

about two months ago, and I was doing the Balboa Theater in San Diego.

Okay.

And I had to drive with food poisoning and do drive LA to San Diego, do the show in San Diego, fly to San Francisco and do Palace of Fine Arts with, and it was four days of food.

Like it would not leave.

And the tour manager, he's like, what do you need?

And I was like, dude, I just keep throwing up like Ritz crackers and ginger ale, just something to settle my stomach.

Within 20 minutes, he had it.

Okay.

So let me help help you out.

If you ever get food poison gun, hopefully not.

Yeah.

Send someone to get you activative charcoal.

Someone was saying about when I was Googling this.

Yeah.

Activative, what's it?

Charcoal.

Activative charcoal.

Yeah.

And it'll just.

Yeah, done.

Food poison's gone.

I had it twice in the past six months.

Activative charcoal.

It's a new sponsor.

Activative charcoal.

Don't shit and throw up at the same time anymore.

Yeah.

It's just that simple.

I'm telling you, I wish I would have known.

I'd have called you.

Like, somebody get an activated charcoal.

Oh, man.

Dude, I got off.

There were times where I was on stage and I was about to throw up when I was in San Diego.

And I'd be like, yeah, that's crazy.

And I wouldn't drink.

I'd just hold it to my mouth because I'd be like,

trying not to puke.

And I'd be like, anyways, what's up with dating?

It's

in the middle of a joke.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's kind of weird.

It was horrible.

Then I got off stage and threw up.

Four days when you could have went through that shit for three hours.

Oh, I would have killed for that.

I would have killed.

San Francisco, even the last night, I felt all right.

Did the show at the Palace of Fine Arts, my favorite hamburger places in San Francisco.

I was like, I'm going to go get a double cheeseburger.

Diarrhea all the next all that night because the food poisoning was like, I'm not gone.

Not at all.

activative charcoal?

Activative charcoal.

I'll just take it right out.

Just boom, boom, couple capsules, and you're straight.

What's the sickest you ever been on the road?

Oh, shit.

Sick or injured?

Fuck.

What injury have you had on the road?

My clavicle, I broke my clavicle and my ribs and strained my sternum.

I was in Cabo surfing and had a terrible

accident.

And one, I stayed in Cabo.

I came back from Cabo.

I did maybe four weekends before I had the surgery.

Yeah.

And so then I had the surgery and then I went on the road the next day.

And the day after getting your

clavicle operated on?

Yeah,

they had to set it in with the ribs.

They had to tie it down.

And then they

put a cadaver tendon over because I blew my tendon in my shoulder too.

Yeah.

The ribs, I remember when I was, when they, I had like four cracks in my ribs.

What the fuck happened to you?

And the

nurse, this is not a medical term.

She was like, I said, so what are y'all gonna do for my ribs?

And she said, nothing.

I said, that's, that's not a medical term.

Yeah.

You're supposed to do something.

What is nothing?

She's like, I can't do nothing to your ribs.

You have to let yourself

go on your own.

And so I know it's some people in Utah that thought that somebody stabbed me because i was walking through everywhere i just got my bag off the thing and i'm rolling my bag with my good arm and i felt it i had to sneeze and i was like and i was like no

no no no no no no and so i couldn't use this arm to like guard the sneeze and i was holding my bag i didn't get to my nose fast enough and when i sneezed i just

laid on the ground and it was people walking by like i'm coming to see you tonight

oh

four cracked ribs yeah i mean you i mean i've i've thank god i've never had it but i've heard it's just the worst pain

you can't do anything for it it's bro coughing what happened to you i was surfing surfing in cabo and

This huge wave I was getting out the water and this wave came and crashed.

It's like somebody poured 8,000 pounds of water on me and it

drug me along the

ground.

Yeah.

And so I had all, like my shoulder was white.

I was all scratched up from the sand.

It's like I got sandblasted.

Yeah, but what it did is it basically punched you and then it just dragged you along the bottom of the water.

It was crazy.

I heard a lot of cracking.

And I thought I had broke my neck.

It was that bad.

Like that's how bad that wave hit you.

But it was my clavicle was in half and then my ribs was cracked.

And you don't realize how much you use your clavicle, you know, because it's right here.

I broke my shoulder in high school and it was connected to this right here and it broke up and then through here.

And you don't realize how much reaching for stuff, picking your arm, even up above, you get John McCain arms.

You're like, French,

French.

You can't go.

This is the highest you can go.

I don't want to live.

I don't want to live in it.

I'm not doing that.

You're like, you were tortured in a Hilton

Hanoi Hilton.

I'm not laughing.

I don't care what nobody says.

I'm not laughing.

I'm crazy.

But dude, that, let me tell you right now, there's something that I love.

I love nature.

I just love the idea of nature and that the idea that humans think we have any control over it whatsoever.

Whatsoever.

Because the ocean goes like, nice surfing.

Boom.

It's just like, how about I fuck up your year?

And you're like, why, ocean?

It's like, bored.

I don't know.

Because you, you know, like one wave took it personal that you rode another wave.

Yeah.

It's like, oh, yeah, fuck you.

I like that.

Bad.

It was bad.

That's, I mean, so you have broken clavicle, four busted ribs, and then you have surgery, which you shouldn't get out of bed for three days, but you're just on the road.

Yeah.

So a lot of shows, people saw me with

this

contraption and a pressure ball.

And

one night, man, it was just, I said, I don't want to go out with this on.

Yeah.

I don't.

I just want to go out.

Take my back brace off.

And

that shit lasted two minutes.

That's so funny.

Did you have to put it on on the back?

I just walked on and put it right back on.

Bring me the contraption.

That's so funny.

Put me in my contraption again.

And then you come back out and you go, anyways, Dayton's weird.

You got the weird bucket.

You got the weird thing that's all hooked up.

Dude, something that you,

you know, as you still ascent, I know you're going to be at your peak when you have your own fused version of a chair and a stool.

Because one of my favorite things is watching you just sit down and talk.

And like how casual you do it on your specials.

But I'm waiting for like you to have your own.

made like privately made thing where they're going to be like where's the stool seat combo we need the stool seat combo and i go that's when that's when i knew ollie made it is when he had his own fucking

Eric Abrams is like, we couldn't do the new special because we can't find the chair, the chair stool.

Eric thinks I'm a crazy man because, you know, I'm the executive producer of all the specials.

He's very smart.

So

it's not a lot of things that bother me.

You have to literally do something.

So I walk in my green room.

We're in DC,

and this is my green room.

I walk in

and it's urine in the toilet what

and by the way the one of the only reasons you can tell that usually it's because it's so yellow yeah so someone dehydrated yeah pissing in your toilet and I

don't think Eric can I have everybody to the to say

and I started off I was trying to be calm out I said yo what nasty motherfucker was it I couldn't even hold it I said and I'm like the women that's working on this this has nothing to do with y'all.

This is a man's thing.

But how do you know?

A chick might have pissed and then just

let an air dry that puss when she stood up.

Stood up and shook them lips off.

So that was the first.

Eric was like,

no one uses this toilet.

And then the second time was we just recorded three specials in Detroit.

Sure.

And I'm coming through and the security was very aggressive.

I had been there earlier.

Really nothing.

This security guard was giving us the worst.

Like, yo, I'm like, yo, I know y'all.

Do you realize that I'm the fucking person that hired you?

The reason you're at work today

is because of me.

I'm not just the fucking talent.

I'm the fucking.

And I'm, and I'm livid.

about this shit because I'm like, yo, I didn't come here to get treated like a fucking prisoner at my own spouse.

Were they just being extra shitty, asking too many questions doing that no they was shaking us down that sucks and i'm and i'm pissed eric didn't know this was happening the the the um the people who run the theater was like no i didn't we didn't know this was happening and then the worst thing is i'm walking to my green room and i saw security people eating

food

and i came back i said

Is this my craft services?

And it was like, yeah.

And y'all fucking eating my shit.

Oh, then you've seen a a sign go up for staff, for

performers only.

Performers and staff only.

And they was just sitting there hungry and shit.

I'm like, no, this happened because your fucking co-worker decided to fucking shake me out.

You could have had all the hummus you wanted.

But fucking Walter had to get handsy with me and my friends.

It was a lady.

And now, what's that?

It was a lady.

Yeah.

And it was, it was, it was, yeah.

It was fucking weird.

And the next day we came back and it, because

I'm saying, yo, everybody that's coming through here is not finna go through this shit.

We're coming through the artist's interest.

Yo, do you think,

man, you're not, man, I was the hour.

It's just, man, the thought that it might be just some guy that was being a dickhead to his girlfriend and then she was security and she's like, I got to go.

Hold on.

Take that out of your pants.

Why are you being?

And then you're like, and then you just fuck it up.

That's how it ripples.

That's like a wave ripple.

It bothers.

And then, and I, and I say it, and I usually don't say, I'm not the fucking talent.

I'm the fucking boss.

Yeah.

So let's get this understood.

I'm not, I'm not, you think I'm fucking up.

I'm coming here to blow up my own fucking performance.

Like, what type of dieback of bullshit you think I'm on?

It just bothers some people.

I need more of that.

I need to be able to walk in and go, I'm supposed to be here because I always go like, sorry, I'm sorry.

I can fuck off.

You want me to wait out in the parking lot?

on, you know, I go off.

Like, that is how my brain works.

Where I'm just like, yeah, yeah, I'm probably in the way.

You guys, you guys are doing stuff.

And then they're like, you're on.

And you're like, okay, I'll go do my act.

Not only could your name is on the way.

I know, but I'm still like,

I feel like

they're throwing, you know, like, remember Batman Boy?

Remember when that sick kid, they dressed up as Batman and drove him around San Francisco?

I feel like Batman Boy every time I'm at a theater or something.

And they go, ah, we're doing this for this sick kid.

Maybe he can fucking perform tonight.

And I'm like, oh, fuck.

I'm sorry.

I'm in the fucking way.

If Outback is behind you, man,

they've been great.

They fucking awesome.

Yeah, they've been great.

And it was, you know, I'm excited to,

I like the hour right now.

So it's like just fun to be like, oh, I get to go do the coolest venues I've ever got to do with an hour that I like.

Yeah.

So it just timed out.

Because the first time I was supposed to do a theater tour was

March of 2020.

Then stuff happened.

Yeah.

But I didn't like my hour then.

So I feel like the universe saved me because I was about to go on a theater tour and I just didn't like, because when you do, I mean, first off, as far as comics go, you're prolific.

Like you have a new, John Brutton, who I love to death, who goes on the road with you.

Yeah, Ruton, yeah.

Yeah.

He's like, he's like, oh, he's got a new hour.

Like, I'll see him in Chicago.

I'll be like, oh, he's got a new hour.

And you're like, fuck.

You're just out here working at a pace where all of us are like,

I got a new 10.

I got a new 10.

And it's fucking cool.

I kind of hate when people say, well,

because my two sons just came out.

Yeah.

And that's Mother's Day.

So Father's Day, I'm dropping rugged.

Great.

2027, I might have something.

2027.

I fucking, I don't know, man.

I'm fucking trying to get this one joke to work.

Yeah,

that's great dude i love that it's been awesome and you really are one of those comics that like i truly watch like sometimes i'll put friends' specials on and i'll get like 10 minutes in and i'll be like that was good dude i was sitting here dying laughing story about i mean i'm not i don't want to give away too much check out my two sons on youtube the link is below and then go watch everything else that ali sadiq's ever done because he's brilliant he's hilarious and i i'm glad is is this the first repeat outside of Katie?

Yeah, you're the first repeat guest outside of my fiancé.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

I'm in great company.

Yeah.

And we're not having kids either.

And you can take that to a fucking point.