84: Reheating a Relationship with Jordan Jensen | Soder Podcast | EP 82

Hey guys, I'm on the road.

Always.

I mean, we got the golden retriever tour coming up in September, but I'm always on the road.

Remember that.

I'm always with you.

Go to danceoider.com to see all my dates, but June 6th, I'm at the Count Basie Center in Red Bank, New Jersey.

One show, close to sold out.

It'd be really awesome if we did sell it out.

Then Syracuse, New York.

I'm at the Funnybone, June 13th and 14th for four shows.

And then Stanford, Connecticut, New York Comedy Club in Stanford, June 20th and June 21st for four shows.

DanceOder.com for all my dates.

Thank you for letting me plug

you.

I plugged the shit out of you.

But not in a sexual way.

Were you ever afraid of getting kidnapped?

No, I could have been abducted a thousand times.

My mom forgot me everywhere.

Everywhere.

When you were little, do you ever remember being like, I could get kidnapped?

No.

One time, I was walking to school.

Should we save it?

Oh, we just start.

Oh, great.

Yeah, I'm bad at doing intros.

You know Jordan Jensen.

Of course.

She's one of the best comedians working.

Of course.

Gonna have a new special soon.

I don't even know if I'm supposed to say it.

What's that?

Do you use that TV?

Oh, yeah.

Do you watch?

Oh, video games.

Okay.

Yeah, video games.

I don't watch TV.

In here?

There's no TV in the other room?

There's TV in there.

Two TVs?

Yeah, that's why we are so in love.

Look at that window.

Oh, yeah.

It's a good window.

That's a big window.

I'll bust it.

I'll bust it.

You don't have that much money.

No, she does.

Oh, great, great, great.

Perfect.

Perfect.

We both meet in the middle.

We pay half.

That's how we're able to live here.

Right.

And honestly, it's what I would be paying if I lived by myself.

It's not exorbitant.

It's like how much I would pay probably for a one-bedroom.

Like.

No way.

Yeah.

That's it?

Yeah.

Oh, no, not totally oh okay gotcha gotcha okay we each totally dude you know what I don't like about that if you find love your life gets easier it should get harder no that's the whole point of love

you should be punished the whole point of love is to make it easier you should find someone

this is just for the future that makes your life easier you we're foolishly thinking you want someone that's like we buy into the movies and songs

we're like too programmed by movies and songs to be like I got to chase her down at the airport That's a toxic relationship.

I shouldn't miss that.

Oh, man, I've done a lot of airport chases.

Have you really?

Yeah.

Like post-9-11, how do you even do that?

Oh, it's a very good point.

I've done post, I land.

Or, no, I'm about to take off.

I'm like, I'm flying.

It's over.

Chase him down.

Tea out, T-out, T-Out.

It's not actually over.

Okay, bye.

Land.

It's not actually over, by the way.

I was just kidding when I said that, right?

That's a dopamine hit, though.

I get a lot of dopamine.

I'm like, dopamine going like, we're done.

And then then you're like ground yourself and then you're like

Coming back dude.

Yeah, starting it back up though.

Oh, it's the best.

It's great.

It's the only time I've ever had sex.

It's the is on the back start as you go you know how you know you're gonna have to get me in bed and he goes Yeah, you fucking bitch.

It's over.

Yeah.

That's it.

And you go, I think we should give it another shot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is hilarious.

Yeah.

It is.

No, we need to be honest with how great reheating a relationship is.

It's so good.

Because you're proving

you're fulfilling the need that the parents didn't.

Like when your parents, when you were little, and you'd be like, fine, I'm running away.

They'd be like, good luck.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

My mom took my avalanche jacket and threw it out in the street.

Cold.

Trish was cold as ice.

Wait, what?

I was like, I'm going to run away.

And I had a giant

Colorado Avalanche white jacket, which made me look like a chick.

Yeah, totally.

And my mom.

A hot chick, though.

A rich chick.

Like a hair pullback.

Yeah.

Could fight chicks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the kind of white jacket jacket that was with the 90s writing on it.

Oh my God.

But the avalanche were new in Colorado.

My mom got me a jacket and I love her.

We've gotten over that.

It wasn't the greatest jacket.

But we were fighting and she, and I was like, maybe I'll run away.

And she goes to the coat closet and grabs my coat and fucking opens the front door and just goes,

and just throws a jacket out.

And she goes, fucking go ahead.

I like that because she's also being like, don't die, but also get the fuck out of it.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not going to let you freeze to death.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you can get raped a lot.

You can get on needle drugs if you need it.

But

there is like a thing of when you're in a breakup and then you break up and then you go like, maybe we try it again.

There is.

I've done that nine times in this relationship.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's not good.

I think

your life easier.

The whole premise was making your life easier.

I've never been in a relationship where I don't do that.

Never once.

I've been with the sweetest, nicest man of all time, and I still was like, it's over.

And he'd be like, no.

And I'd be like, yes.

And then I'd go, it's over.

It's over.

It's over.

And he'd go, please don't, please don't.

And then finally be like, fine.

And I'd be like, what the fuck?

And then you guys would get back together and it would be white hot.

It's the only time.

It's the first time you get on the podcast.

It's the only time.

Because I disagree with that whole theory.

Love should be balanced and filled with belly rubs.

I like her a lot.

Let her in here.

No, dude, she will take over the podcast.

She is a bit of a a hog ham yeah every time we've let her run around it just becomes us going like what

even is she what kind of dog is she 12 different breeds yeah 12 same as my dog yeah super mutt they're the best yeah they're the best dogs they got a lady at the park when i first got her we were in hoboken at the dog park and this lady goes what is she and i go she's a super mutt yeah and she goes you shouldn't call her a mutt i know there are people who feel that is that oh is that their n-word i don't think it is so weird i've never had a dog go please don't call me Mutt.

Yeah, please don't say that.

Yeah, I do call my dog the N-word a lot.

I go, she's a super.

I just say the N-word.

Oh, I won't say Mutt.

The next one is like, what the fuck?

Will Selvins the other day was like, do you call your dog the N-word just randomly?

And I was like, yeah.

And he was like, what?

And I was like, I mean, no.

Yeah.

I do.

I call her it all the time.

She is black, dude.

She is black.

So is Myrtle.

Really?

Yeah, but I use an A.

I use an A, of course, unless she's bad.

That's an A.

It's my dog.

I love her.

Dude, that dog dog park, it's the shit.

It's a good dog park.

Hoboken's got good dog parks.

Are we in Hoboken?

No, we're in Manhattan.

Oh, yeah.

Hoboken's in Jersey.

New Jersey.

Where we used to live.

Yeah, where do you go now?

Like over there.

That park's not good.

Yeah.

Long walks.

I just take her on long walks.

And then we're going to Big Jay's house this weekend.

He's got a yard.

So we're going to let her fucking turn loose.

When Myrtle gets to turn loose.

I go to Prospect every day.

That's why I live in Brooklyn.

Yeah, Prospect Park's fucking crazy.

She rips it up.

She ripped it up today.

Offended a lady in a big hat.

Really?

Dude, I lost my voice last week.

Very scary for the special taping.

She ran up to two Hasidic women.

Yeah.

And one of them started screaming bloody murder, running away from her, being like, yeah.

And I couldn't command.

I couldn't be like, Coyote, leave it.

That's all I had to say was leave it.

Why was the lady freaking out?

Because Coyote, she didn't see Coyote.

So Coyote ran up to her and then she turns and goes,

and then, you know, Coyote got pumped and was like, like oh we're playing oh and then she took off and coyote took off running after and i couldn't say anything and the girl was screaming and she was like make it stop and i had to run up to her and grab her and be like stop stop running you're too pro-Palestine it was so funny yeah

dude you don't have to wear skirts that are that long

pants are actually more coverage than shirts I was in the park and there was a pro-Palestinian dog yeah and it chased me she does look like a little Palestinian yeah it's funny it looks like she doesn't live back online We lived there for thousands of years.

We are not just Arabs.

We are Palestinians.

And she's like, why are you?

My dog's just like a fat Midwestern.

She's just like, oh, yeah.

Treats.

Yeah.

That murder's just like, treats.

I want.

Oh, I can't even say, dude, I'm saying it loud.

I'm going to get down in case you can be like, why are you yelling me at the T-World?

Oh, my God.

Wow.

She is like that.

She's a Midwestern casserole dog.

Yeah, she's just like, I want food right now.

I was in Minneapolis.

They all rest their hands like this on their bellies.

Like little off.

I was looking out in the audience and I was like, you guys, you cannot

get used to that.

They just had pot bellies and they're like laughing.

Yeah.

They go, why do humans use tables?

Yeah.

When they have these perfectly good bellies.

It was the South Park Science Child episode.

Yeah.

Dude, I think

I'm not getting away from this relationship thing because the fact that you spike it to bring it back up.

I love to get it.

I love to get it.

But at least you know it's you.

Oh, yeah.

Are there men in therapy because of you?

Because of you?

Oh, yeah.

Because you waterboard your fucking boyfriends with love?

You go,

yeah.

And you go, tell me a secret.

He's like, I'm fucking chasing down at the airport.

No, a guy you know, I had to put in therapy.

I had to make amends to him.

It was, it was, wait, it was.

You won't.

I'll tell you.

It was.

Sorry, guys.

Subscribe to the Patreon if you want the real goss.

I don't have a Patreon.

But it would be funny just to start it with all the names I read back.

You don't have a Patreon?

That's great.

Good.

Dude, I'm about the people, man.

Viva La Raza.

I don't know if it's this.

Yeah.

i did i did that i did you'd hit it with a little this play it back play back

me and my best friend brianna who's the one that's most similar to me and you that we're talking about in being in where we we'd get so high and have fud fights oh yeah we would go like this and fud each other's foreheads that was the ultimate win when you

yeah being able to go like

yeah that's sick that is fun you put someone i know in therapy is wild

and they were like i need you to apologize to me no i apologize because i went through SLAA to sex and lobetics.

Got it.

And you were like, that was my bad.

I was like, that was fucked up.

Yeah, I was fucked up.

I mean, try to be nice.

Getting an apology.

Yeah, people love it.

It is.

They also like to dig the knife in a little deeper.

Where they go, you know, really, you did fuck me up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're saying I'm sorry.

You did say this thing, and you go, yes, I did.

Yes, yes.

I apologized one time because I did a joke about a girl that went on a special and I was like, hey, I was a little fucking mean about that.

Did you say her name?

No.

Who cares?

I felt bad about it.

I felt

because I felt like I was playing it up.

I felt like I was being a dramatic bitch about it.

I felt like I was like hyping up the joke, but it was a joke.

It was for the joke.

What was it?

She said rich people are really mean, but she wasn't really mean.

She has a theory that rich people aren't mean and that it's actually poor people that get rich are mean.

Like I've become very mean.

The more money I get, the more I'm like, I want the diet coke on the plane.

No cup.

Oh, yeah.

I'm like becoming a the more successful, because I was a rat.

I was a rat child.

And I used to be a manual labor slave.

Yeah.

So now when they don't do their jobs well.

You're like, fuck.

I'm like, I've been there.

I started from the bottom.

Now we're here.

Do it, bitch.

I mean, I'm a tyrant.

Have you ever.

like stepped in and done there'd be no nothing more emasculating and soul crushing than like doing the job wrong and you going you did it wrong and he's going like of course you don't know what you're talking about and you go like repeat repeat.

And you do it right.

And he's like, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

I was on a movie shoot the other day and they were removing something at the cellar.

Yeah.

And they were doing, and I was like, oh my God, they're just like missing this screw.

But I did not.

It was the first time that I was like, you are not.

You're going to bite your tongue.

You're in a full face of makeup.

You will not do this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bradley Cooper's like excellent performance.

And you're like, shut up, Brad.

Hey, move.

You're doing that wrong.

The guy's like, I'm not supposed to be here.

I'm not even supposed to be here at all.

And you go, you did it wrong.

Okay, bye-bye.

I jumped the the the bar at the cellar because they what they like popped a one of the taps got popped and was spraying everywhere and I like I like jumped over the bar and like fixed it and the guy was like you know I think it was like hector or something like I don't I ain't butter work down for yeah yeah I don't have any skills like that I don't I wish I would have all I should have done is gone in the garage when my stepdad was building cars and sat there dude auto mechanic number one I can't do any of that but if I could I just any guy who can yeah I I should have just sat on the stairs of the garage and gone, what are you doing?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

You can't do any of it.

You're a task grabbit guy?

Task rabbit.

I'm a little.

I fucking.

You're so tall.

I know.

People think I'm good at basketball.

I stink.

Oh, you're bad at basketball?

I'm all I can.

I should be a five foot two.

bald fat little Jewish guy.

Yeah.

That's going like, oh, I've gotten more sillies, everybody.

And everyone goes, yeah.

And instead, it was like, hey, you could ranch.

And I go, feel how soft my hands are.

What is that?

I don't know.

I used to have, I mean, I've done it.

I've done

like,

what did you do in comedy coming up?

I was a waiter.

Oh,

I was a waiter in the city.

Did you grow up poor or regular?

No, I grew up suburban.

Oh, you're suburban?

Middle class.

Yeah.

Like fucking right in the middle.

See, that's good.

I'm convinced that you guys are the best people at heart.

Yeah, my dad's family, my grandma wasn't, but my dad was poor.

My dad was like trailer trash, alcohol.

So I'd go, it's, you know, I'd visit him, which was rare, like twice a year up until I was 10, and then it stopped.

But I would go out there and go, like, oh, shit.

But I also saw where my addictions were.

I like saw it coming.

I go, oh, this is.

Are you back on weed?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

We talked about it.

How long did you go without it?

Like three months.

How was it?

Good?

Hard.

Very hard.

Did you?

Very good.

Good.

Very good for a little.

Yeah.

And then.

Bad.

I was just like,

I'm ready to get high again.

Yeah.

I just don't have the thing in me where I can't smoke weed.

And even I'm like, I would love to just be high.

Yeah.

I would love to.

But then I do it too much because I'm an addict.

So I go like, but that one has to pull my leash.

That one, she's like, you're smoking a crazy amount of weed.

Really?

Yeah.

Just like wake up on the weekend and start fucking.

Like, those are all weed.

That's weed.

Those are all weed jars.

Like, I just wake up and just like fucking start smoking.

And she's like, what are you doing?

And I'm like, because I also miss cigarettes more than anything.

Yeah.

I truly miss cigarettes.

Yeah.

So smoking to me is like of a joint, but then I

smoke in the morning this the fear the terror i usually get over that

what do you mean it's like the sun is out you walk outside oh it's nothing scarier than this yeah it is pretty hard i've gotten i've gotten too high during the day and you go outside and you're like all high during the day is too high

yeah i that's what it is

and you go to an activity like you're like we're going to the moma for six hours all get high that's 100 like just smoking in your house and then like myrtle has to go outside and you walk out and there's like a nice Manhattan lady who's like, Could you help me with my whole food bag?

And you're like, Every night, I'm like, Hey, leave me alone.

I put my headphones in, so no one talks to me.

Oh, the headphones, but I keep them off.

Oh, yeah, earbuds in, off.

I do over the ear now, so nobody talks to me.

That's great.

I do earbuds in, so at least I have to go, huh?

Yeah, but they're off.

Unless I'm I'll do a phone call.

Will you do a podcast, High?

All the time, really?

All the time.

There's no fear.

Oh, a lot of fear.

So there is fear.

You get the panic.

Dude, when I quit for those three months,

I went and got my hair cut in Midtown and I left.

And I texted Big J.

I was like, it was like around the time before they were about to do the bonfire.

Yeah.

I was like, yo, are you guys hanging out outside?

He's like, dude, come over.

I had just, this was a year ago.

This was exactly a year ago.

It was Memorial Day.

And it was.

Katie was like, hey, you wanted to go to Memorial Day sober.

You did it.

Let's have fun like you're gonna get high what do you want to do and my favorite thing with her is to watch a bad movie high yeah it's like just very fun and we i was like can we watch pierce brosnan as james bond great and we got high and watched the day after tomorrow or something it was really really bad yeah and i just had a little bit of weed after three months i smoked like a bowl maybe two three hits and it was the best I wasn't scared.

What does this have to do with Memorial Day?

So

I just know it's Memorial Day is when this happens.

So then I get my hair cut and I'm like, Jay, where you at?

He's like, we're outside the bonfire.

He smokes these joints that are rolled in Keef and dipped in like hash.

Wait, you did the three months off recently, though, right?

That was last year, a year ago.

No way.

Yeah.

You've been smoking straight through through a year?

Yeah.

I thought recently we talked and you're like, I'm not smoking weed.

No.

Oh, time's moving so fucked up.

Yeah, COVID fucked time.

That's fucked up.

Okay, keep going.

But then I got like a little high.

And then I'm with Jay and Jay's like, I see Jay and all them.

And then Jay just lights one of those like super joints and passes it to me.

And I'm like hitting it.

And then I'm not even thinking.

Yeah.

It's just old muscle memory.

We used to smoke these joints before we would do episodes.

And it feels so good.

And I'm like, oh, this is good.

And then he's like, all right, we got to do the show.

And I'm like,

too high.

Yeah.

Like high school high.

Keep high.

Yeah.

And I was like,

I had to get on the train and come home.

And I was like, it felt

like I felt like Odysseus.

it felt like a fucking 10-year journey and i got home and the first thing i said 10 year journey though i accidentally ate a 25 25 milligram weed i do not do that yeah it's like 7 a.m yeah and i just thought it was candy and the guy i was dating i was like was that candy in your fridge and he was like no and i was like oh i I ate one.

And he was like, oh, one.

I remember him going, oh, whole one?

And me being like, yeah.

And he left the room to like laugh hysterically, came back and was like, it was 25 milligrams.

And it was, it was like, oh, brother Rart, though.

Like every obstacle I could come up against going through the park, like jerk.

I mean, New York is really good for that.

It's crazy.

It's crazy to ride the subway.

Yeah.

Out of your mind.

Yeah.

And like, I didn't know it was busy.

Yeah.

Cause they start the show at 5 p.m.

So it's like rush hour starting.

And I'm like on the train.

And I'm like, which arm do I grab?

Yeah.

Oh, it's also funny because you're so tall.

I don't know.

It's so funny.

I'm so sorry.

But I'm just inside.

I'm like, I'm so sorry for getting in your way.

And then I came home and Katie was on the couch.

And I was like, I'm, I go, I'm, I'm fucked up.

It's so nice.

I finally confess it.

She goes, what did you do?

And I go, Jay had one of those joints.

And then I just sat on that chair with my head back.

And I was like, how did I do radio like this?

Because we do two hours of radio.

Dude, there's old bonfire fans that are watching this.

You can find old episodes where you can hear how afraid I am in the first 20.

Yeah, if you listen to that.

That's what I want.

That's what I want.

Just Jay being like, yeah, this and this.

And I'm going like,

no.

I just do voices.

I'm like, hey,

because I'm just like fucking spinning, dude.

I'm spinning out of my pits.

There's a point where you can just hear you.

Oh, my God.

Points where I'm just like drinking coffee and I'm like, come on, Dan.

Come on, Dan.

That's what happens to Louis Jay Gomez on the pod.

I'll see them rip down a blunt and I'll be like, Jay is not phased at all.

Oh, Jay can walk through anything.

Jay's like, I've done radio with Jay where he's been high, where I'm like, it's like watching Superman fly.

Yeah.

You're like, I don't know.

How are you this good at talking right now?

I'm wrecked.

It's insane.

It's like insane.

I don't know how to do it.

And then they would smoke so much weed on that on Legion of Skanks that I would get contact tie and I would walk over to the cellar and be like, have to do a spot and be like, I had the view.

And they'd be like bringing me up, you know, and they'd be like, this next comic.

And I'd be like, no way.

There's no, whatever happens is not going to be good.

And they'd be like, Jordan, I'd be like, that's insane that that's my first name.

Michael Jordan's Jordan's last name.

Jordan?

My first name starts with Jay.

I'm an African country.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I did Getting Doug with High.

Okay.

Doug Benson show.

Yeah.

And we.

That's a great name.

It's great.

And we were getting like hot, we were just smoking bowls.

He brings out a blunt.

You smoke a joint.

And then he had a dab rig.

And he's like, do you guys want to do dabs?

And right, for some reason, right at that moment, I remembered, I was like, I have a spot at the Hollywood improv like in an hour.

And I was like, I can't do a dab.

And then

Doug got you a car to and from wherever you were going.

And I was going to the Hollywood improv.

And I remember being so high in that Uber that I was like, oh no, I'm wearing a shirt that shows my nipples.

I had a black shirt that for some reason, and then that people.

It didn't show your nipples.

You just were able to see them for a moment.

It did.

Really?

Yeah.

I tossed that shirt out pretty shortly after that show because they did they improv put up pictures i was like damn look at my puffy ass nipples oh no that's

and high you realized it and you're like i can see the bumps i can see the areola bumps

and that's all i was thinking about i was like oh my god my stupid puffy fucking nipples and i was just high did you acknowledge it uh no because i was so high i was just trying to talk regular because you can't even like

people think when you get high you're like i'm just gonna say it like it is but you just just go like, get me through this, get me through this, get me through this, get me through this, dude.

And you're dissociating your voices like three feet away from your body.

I was on mushrooms once and I said the same joke where I said, it was something about like, when I'm depressed, I eat a bottle of mustard, blah, blah, blah.

But I kept going, when I'm depressed, I eat mushrooms.

And like, this whole room of people were like, what?

And I was like, not mushrooms.

And then I like said it again.

I was like, when I'm depressed, I eat mushrooms.

And then finally, I admitted it.

Like, I was like, I'm on mushrooms.

And then it was fine.

Yeah.

But before that, everything was scaring me.

I was having a full panic attack.

There was a heckler that was yelling demon time.

No.

How much did you do before you went on stage?

It was like, it was like cap and stem.

Okay.

So I did that with Ari

at Just for Laughs.

He was like, we're doing a storytelling, his storytelling show.

He was still, this is not happening.

And he was like, we're all going to talk about.

mushroom stories and we're all going to do mushrooms.

And I was like, awesome.

And it was at midnight.

It was like after everything.

Yeah.

And I showed up to the Cleopatra and he gives me like

two caps and two stem three stems.

So like maybe over a gram, not a lot, but I ate it.

And then he ate his.

And then like, as the show's about to start, he goes, everyone's bailing on doing mushrooms.

It's just me and you.

And I was like, oh, no.

Oh, no.

And then he hosted and brought me up.

And it was fine until it wasn't.

A light went off on the stairs.

That was like, you know, those movie theater theater stairs?

How they have lights under them?

This one turned off, turned off, turned back on, and I was like,

and then it just was like

spiraled.

It's crazy how it just takes one thing like that.

Booze used to be like that.

I was very good at monitoring my booze on stage.

I used to like, know, like a shot and a drink.

I'm loose.

Two drinks in a shot.

I'm a little feisty.

I'm a little bit scared, and you is over.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely.

I like,

I knew how to dose myself for stand-up.

Yeah.

And then one time at the cellar, I used to go sneak drink at Triona's around the corner.

Yeah.

And you might have a problem.

Oh, I can't.

Oh, okay, great.

Yeah, no, I quit alcohol.

Oh, okay, good, good.

It's like 12 years ago.

Quite a real problem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, I used to go sneak drink.

ST would give me like four Friday spots, and I would go around the corner and drink.

And then I'd come back and just be in a different, completely different mood every week.

That was so fun.

So fun.

That must have been so fun.

Don't you hate it when you look back and you're like, I was a fun person.

Multiple people have told me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Multiple people.

I've spent 12 years going, I don't know, man.

I don't think you should have quit.

You were too fun.

I used to be loving.

I used to like accept physical contact and tell people how I appreciated them.

The hugs?

Yeah, the hugs.

I used to be okay with hugs.

You have any forehead to forehead conversations?

Oh, my God.

That's why I miss Coke.

My friends the other night were all in Coke and they're like,

and I was like, I don't have it in me anymore, dude.

I don't have the super bond.

I can't get it.

Super bomb ball.

Super bomb ball.

You know, like, I know that I've only met you once, but we have a spiritual connection, and I really think that you're going places.

Yeah, drunk, I would just be like grabbing the back of a friend's head against my head, and I'm like, keep fighting.

Yeah, keep fighting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're just outside of fucking, we're just outside of Rudy's on 41st.

And I'm like, you got to keep fucking fighting, smoking cigarettes.

But there was one time where Estee gave me a very late spot.

Yeah.

And I was very drunk.

And and I like, I knew I was in trouble because I was cocky about it.

Like, they were like, the bartender at Triona's is like, aren't you on at like 115 or whatever?

And it was like one, and I was like, I'm fucking, I'll finish my drink, I'll go fucking do a spot, and I'll come right back for another fucking drink.

Yeah, and like lighting up a cigarette, like later, pussies.

And I went over there, and when I tell you, I bombed, I forgot how to talk.

I was so drunk that I was going like, um,

like you were doing with mustard with mushrooms, but I was going like, you guys, um,

you guys ever, and uh, the feeling, the accurate feeling that I've said every time I've brought this story up is it felt like I swam too far away from the beach.

That was the feeling I had on stage.

Literally, that panic hit me.

And I was drunk and I felt that panic.

And I was like, oh, no.

And I got off stage.

I took a cab home and I started thinking about quitting drinking.

Yeah.

That was.

It's always like that.

It's never like actually a one thing.

You're like, and I considered it for six to eight months out of the year.

Another year.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, still getting drunk.

But I remember it because when I went back to Triona's the next time, the guy was like, where were you?

You were going to go do your show and come back.

And you're like, brother, I bombed.

And then were you bombing because were you saying any jokes?

Were you getting them out?

I was too drunk.

I just wanted to do it.

Have you ever gone through a panic mode where you go into automaton?

Where you're like just saying,

where you go, like, that's the panic attack?

I would say most of my career.

I would say up until like maybe three years ago, I was like finally getting loose and just being like, what am I saying?

Yeah.

There'd be moments where if a, if a audience wasn't, if it wasn't going exactly the way I wanted to, I'd be like, these are my jokes and this is, and then it goes like this.

And then it goes like this.

That's how it was on New Jokes.

You walk by me and you're like, they're super hot.

And there it went up.

They hated me immediately.

Oh, I, but my last, I should have, I felt bad.

I, I shouldn't have been like,

It's perfect.

I bought my last joke bombed the worst I've ever bombed at New Joke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But my first two jokes hit the hardest that I've ever hit.

Yeah.

So it was Feast Your Famine last year.

I just said a 55-year-old was a boomer by accident, and everybody turned on me.

You know what, though?

Fuck that.

I know.

Because

what year were you born?

91.

So you're still a millennial.

Yeah.

When do millennials end?

97?

No idea.

I'm 83 and I'm a millennial.

But all these motherfuckers, boomers specifically, go like, yeah, these millennials just want to post on Instagram and eat their avocado toast.

And you go, I'm 42.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Also, I raised us.

Are you millennial or Gen?

What's Gen X?

Gen X is 80, stops at 80 or 81.

Yeah, about 81 through 96.

Yeah, 81 through 96.

Oh.

Those are millennials.

But they think I'm Gen Z.

Yeah.

Like they talk about millennials.

Boomers talk about millennials like they're Gen Z.

But this guy

is a boomer.

But millennials, we talk about Gen X like they're boomers.

Because he's Gen X.

Yes.

And also,

it's hard to argue that Gen X,

they're the reason that we're in all this shit right now.

It's not boomers.

No.

It is boomers.

Boomers are the ones pulling the trigger.

Gen X never wrestled the gun away from them.

What is Gen X?

Who is Gen X?

Gen X is, I think, 67 to 81

who but like what's the vibe

uh alternative mtv oh god

um they were like in their 20s in the 90s they were like they got to live the fucking life dude were they coke uh they were coke they were ecstasy okay ecstasy yes they were uh mtv news yeah they were like they ruled gen x had the fucking best girls gone wild yes yes yes yes yes gen x that whole idea of like

any way to get a a girl to show her boobs is cool.

Oh, yeah, okay, okay.

Millennials are the ones that had to pay that receipt.

Yeah.

They go, like, hey, that's actually called rape.

And you're like, no, it's not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck you.

Our older brothers did it.

Gen X gave us grinding.

Yes.

Gen X passed.

Gave us the golden age of rap.

The fucking grunge, the best rock.

It says 65 to 80.

65 to 80.

Who's close?

Come see me.

Acting like I don't know my generation.

Really good.

But

and then boomers are dying.

Boomers are are

uh, my mom's 76, she's a boomer.

Okay, they're like 70s, 80s.

They were born after they're the children of the World War II veterans.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, so that's why they're baby boomers because everyone came back from war and wanted to put it in them.

And what and

our people's and me mas were just going like, fucking blasting me.

Yeah, and he's like, I beat Nazis.

So many Korean ladies.

He goes, oh my God, I was in Japan.

No, Vietnam is is also boomers.

Vietnam is boomers.

What?

Vietnam, that's their war.

Greatest Generation got World War II.

Boomers got Nom.

And

Gen X got Gulf, the Gulf War, and we got Iraq.

Iraq.

Yeah.

Gen X got the Gulf War?

Yeah, 91.

It was over in like fucking 86 days.

Did they go?

No,

Bill Hicks joke was like, there was 71, something like 71 casualties in the Gulf War.

And he goes, does that mean if we would have sent 72 people, we could have a ticker tape parade for one guy?

And he's going like, thanks.

I did it.

I just thought that was so funny.

That's like an old Hicks joke.

That's a good joke.

Boomers are 46 to 64.

46 to 64.

That's what it is.

Those are boomers.

So anybody that was born 48 to 64.

And here's the thing.

The only problem with boomers is they got to do everything and then they took it away from us after they did it but they did it on accident i feel like they took it away by accident no uh that i'd give you that yeah i they might have taken it away by accident because they got old the way that you were talking about when you get richer you get meaner yeah i think when you get older you get like less you're like no yeah yeah so like they were hippies and they were like free love man yeah you should smoke weed and then they got older and they were like and they're like women should choose what they want to do with their bodies and they got older like i decide

now they're but now they're old and now they're like falling apart So we got to look at.

And I think that's every generation is going to be like that.

I think we're all going to get old and be like, I want a gun.

I want a gun and I want to shoot a black man.

And that's why Gen X needed to step in and go, oh, freezing.

I'll take a bunch of power and you can't be the president.

But they didn't.

They went like, okay, mom and dad.

That's why Pelosi and fucking daddy.

They really wanted to impress mom and dad.

But they're like, go ahead, mom, keep working.

And you're like, take the power.

Because now, Gen X, how awesome would it be to have a fucking 58, 60-year-old president?

Even that seems crazy.

We could go with 45.

I would go fucking, dude, a 45-year-old.

Would you imagine?

Too much pussy.

He'd be getting too much pussy.

Oh, my God.

No, we could make him fat.

He could be fat.

He'd still be getting pussy.

He'd be getting that mafia boss pussy.

Oh, the Tony Soprano.

You know, he's like, oh,

that biggie pussy.

What if he's a woman?

She's going to get a lot of pussy.

All that dick.

Yeah.

All those fucking.

I don't know.

We don't like dick.

We only take dick to pretend that we like dick so you guys like us.

Yeah.

It really is just

to make more people and to not get killed.

There's like one moment once a year where we're like, I'd like a dick.

Yeah, I think.

Dick to women seems to be more like crawfish than anything where it's just a lot of work and very little enjoyment.

Whereas men eating pussy is just like a soup bucket.

Pussy for us is like, it's just liquid.

I'll eat just the potato in the bucket.

i don't mind water we just

on my men are we're just pigs we're just like we'll roll around in it we'll eat it women are like picking it apart and they go like

i know i miss i miss my friends now that summer's hit i lost all my friends we're together but when we're outside they're just like Yeah, and I'm like, come back to me, dude.

Yeah.

Over here.

Yeah.

And these kids are young, dude.

These kids, these girls with the tits out are babies.

Well, that's, that's my check down now, talking about getting older.

Yeah.

Now I have to go, because I used to just see big titties.

I'm like, look at those big titties.

Now I have to pump fake up to go.

Nope, that's like an 18-year-old girl.

She looks like a child.

Yeah.

Because you just see her body and you go, oh my God, look at her baby face.

And she's like, I'm a vengeance.

I don't want to go to the basement.

But she's got giant jiggly tits and a sundress.

And you're like, what the fuck?

I got to check down.

Why are their tits getting so much bigger?

My tits were never that big.

They have just

Sean Patton used to have the best joke of all time about steroids and the food

his whole bit was he doesn't wear earbuds on the self on the subway because you hear the best shit yeah and he was like this is an old joke he used to do it on whiplash i don't know if he has it recorded anywhere but he's like he's like

If I was wearing earbuds, I would have never heard the following sentence.

Yeah, all this KFC got these young bitches thick catching me getting stat cases or like something about statutory rape.

And you're like, so funny to talk about

the food is making all these young girls.

I think it is.

It is.

So many hormones in the eggs and chicken and fish rfk junior is going to cut that down good bring them back to having a little clam tip you'll be like no more hot little girls i like that and i'm going to be like this take your shirt off yeah good physique good physique bobby Bobby JK I want young girls to look like RFK just have little flapper tips little tabs that you tab over

you can hold a piece of paper under the hunt

put that up that way I won't forget it so these women walking around you go why do you have the body of a burlesque dancer at 14?

Just with like plastic, it's fucking wild.

But you do.

Do we have a free hand?

Okay, yep, yeah, this.

I go, I know where I can.

He pulled the little fucking pen out of your ear.

And you go, don't forget about that.

Thanks.

Thank you for letting me put that in your tits.

But it is another thing that made me feel old was for the first time ever I checked a crush.

I was like,

Katie and I were talking about something.

She goes, what do you think about, it was a Olivia Rodrigo.

Yeah.

And I, out of my mouth, for real, this made me feel the oldest I've ever felt.

I go, oh, if I were in my 20s, I would have a huge crush on her.

And it made me be like, if I were a younger man, because it just does feel like she looks like a little girl.

You're like, look at her.

That's why I'm like, dudes, that.

How old is she?

She's like 22.

Yeah, dude.

The other day I started obsessively looking at this super hot guy on Instagram.

He's like, and then he was like, I have to go to do finals.

And I was like,

crazy.

The issue is younger men are funnier.

That's the problem.

Not with you, but young

men.

You saw me get mad.

I was like, what did you say?

No, what do you mean they're funnier?

What do you mean?

They're funnier.

They have, okay, you know how comics have a bizarre cartoon brain?

Yeah.

The 20, the Gen Zers think in cartoons.

Yeah.

They think like that.

Whereas ours is like, crack up with another beer because my bitch has gotten the way up.

You know,

that's also getting older because there was a comic at the seller that I was watching that were at the fat black and his whole material was like

My wife's a dumb bitch.

I don't think I'm not down with that shit because you're like that's old.

That's like an older

non-comics that are your age.

Yeah, all my friends.

They're comics.

I have friends that are non-comics.

And they're funny.

They're amusing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're amusing.

Yeah.

But like hanging out with comics.

But also comics are like, you can't depend on them.

They're selfish.

They're like all these things that we know we are.

But the young kids will say things that are like, like the other day, it was a young kid opening for me and this woman was driving by this nasty fan.

You know what I mean?

When you just get a nasty one.

And she goes, Jordan, I love you.

And in her truck and was like, you want to ride?

And we were like, no.

And she like honked her giant like Ford F-150.

And there was a wall.

And this young comic was like, what if she?

And then she drives straight into that wall.

And I never would have.

I like that.

You know what I mean?

Like, he just imagined and I could see it.

And it was so funny.

Do you think that's what cartoons did?

They just made these kids go yeah I want to run off that cliff and then look down yeah yeah but I do that I mean

I feel like we do that we do that as comics yeah you go like it'd be funny if that happened yeah yeah yeah that's my favorite thing it's the best and I do that all the time watching TV we're like well then this

what if he shits his pants yeah yeah yeah or do you ever just do one of these

when there's a butt on the screen at any point

fucking Myrtle will whenever there's another dog will just be like does your does Coyote freak out when other dogs are on the TV?

Yeah.

Like, charge at the TV.

Did your dog watch a telespecial with the Seals?

She'll go nuts.

She'll go nuts.

I can't put it on.

Yeah.

Dude, there's cartoon.

I'm playing Last of Us 2.

Yeah.

And there's cartoon dogs, and I have to put my headset on because they bark, and she goes, fucking ape shit.

There's like, there's a scene where you're Abby, if you've played Last of Us 2, and you, like, go through and have to, you just have to feed a dog on the compound.

Man, somebody just gave Gillis's face to Abby on.

I saw that.

That was good.

Oh, yeah.

That was good.

That was fucking.

Sometimes Photoshop just adds it.

Sometimes it's good.

Sometimes deep fakes.

They're so good.

Chat GPT.

I love that Trump is using ChatGPT the way we do.

He is?

Just to like go like...

Just to be like, make me the fucking Pope.

Yeah.

Make me, make me.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What if I was the Pope?

And they go, here he goes.

He goes, Post it.

Yeah, yeah.

He's not using it to do any sort of like analytics or anything.

He's using gallons and gallons of water to be like, maybe like a hot royalty.

He goes, oh, that'd be sick.

Wait, but give me a sword?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just put Albuquerque into a drought.

And he goes, I don't care.

I am a little upset that we're not going to be able to see Trump campaign with AI.

Just make it

like little Marco or whatever, make him like a little baby.

You know how they do the videos of babies from movie characters?

Yeah.

As babies.

I love that.

I did.

Yeah.

You're over it.

Until I saw saw too many and then I just went like

The Soprano is one I'll always love.

It's great.

But now people are overdoing it.

Have you seen yourself as a baby yet?

I don't like that.

Bobby Kelly put out a bit of him as a baby.

And it looked just like him.

No, he did the AI thing.

Yeah, but

he looks like a baby.

And it was like.

It's too, it's not the right.

It doesn't look enough like him.

It just looks like a baby's coverage.

It's a Theo, right?

Yeah, the Theo one's crazy.

Yeah, because it's a good one.

Yeah, there's a couple good ones.

Yeah, they got to look like you.

Yeah, that just looks like a baby.

yeah he just went into ai and was like everybody's doing this make a baby say this joke but it's also funny if you think it's really a baby talking about being married and pushing his wife over at a street market and you go how mature is this baby bobby should be the biggest comedian bobby yeah he kills harder than anybody kills harder than anybody in the room i've never seen anyone kill me neither it's crazy shane maybe yeah i've maybe seen shane kill harder than bobby but bobby is like i used to open for him and like one of the first weekends i worked with him i just remember him getting off stage and I go, you fucking killed.

Yeah.

And he goes, I'm a hammer.

That's all I just bossed the accent.

He goes, I'm a hammer.

My favorite is when I open for him and Louie and he, and he wasn't eating gluten.

Oh, yeah.

It's like a 12-year-old thing he's been doing.

Oh, he's still not eating gluten?

Well, he always was like, no gluten.

But we ordered all these dumplings.

And he realized there was gluten in them.

So I was pulling the sheaths off the soup dumplings and feeding him the hamburger balls.

That's very.

And at at first he was like, don't fucking, what do you think I am?

I'm not fucking disgusted.

And then like after watching me and Louis eat like three, he was like, give me the hamburger balls.

Give me the hamburger balls.

Fucking feed me.

Fucking feed me those.

Yeah, that's a,

I, whenever I see people with complicated diets, you go, just like.

I just stopped eating meat because my, because of mushrooms.

Why?

It's just like anytime I micro-dose her on mushrooms, I think meat is the craziest concept.

That's funny you say that.

When we get too high, if we like, if Katie smokes a joint with me and we order like, one time we ordered barbecue, yeah.

She was like, I was like, what, just running through it.

She was like, it's so weird.

Fucks me.

She was eating potato salad.

She's like, yo, this fucks me up.

It's just a slab of brisket.

And I'm like, I'm putting barbecue sauce on it.

I'm like, this shit fucking rules.

And she's like, it's just

drawing a little cow's face on it.

Look at him.

Look at his face.

Help me.

Help me, Katie.

And I'm like,

but I also get it.

My dog looks like a rotisserie chicken.

Her little leg looks just like a rotisserie.

That's funny because Myrtle, when her fucking fat ass comes in here after we do the podcast, I always take her leg and I go, look at this chicken leg.

Yeah, it is a chicken leg.

It's like a fat chicken.

Because it ends like that.

I've snapped it off a chicken before and fucking cooked it.

So it's crazy to think I go.

I have intrusive thoughts all the time when I'm holding her leg.

I'm like, don't.

If there is an apocalypse, are we going to eat our dogs?

Never.

I'll let my dog eat me.

Is that the biggest, like, we always used to make China for that?

And then it's going to happen to us.

And you're like, guess who ate their dogs?

I'll eat anybody else's dog.

I could not eat my dog.

You would eat a dog.

My whole thing is I'd eat people.

If you said, hey, I have a person.

You almost had me.

Yeah.

I think we went up the ramp.

Hear me out.

Menu?

Menu now?

Here's a small lamb that only provide anything but smiles to young children.

Here's a cow that was just grazing in a pasture when it was shot in the face.

Sure.

Or

here's a man who raped your second cousin.

I don't want to eat that.

I'll eat it.

I don't want that evil inside of me.

You're having evil inside you by eating sweetie pie cutie pants.

No, it's sweetie pie cutie pants.

I'm a sweetie pie cutie pants.

No.

I got a belly full of sweetie pie cutie pants.

But if you eat the sweetie pie cutie pants, I'm a sweetie pie cutie pants.

Not if I fucking eat them cereal rapist.

Get out of here.

That's bad meat.

Rapist in your cereal?

Ta-da.

Cereal rapist.

That's fucking evil.

No, you eat it to punish it.

Hex to hell with you.

Okay, what about this?

Baby die.

Aborted fetus.

Many

aborted fetish fetch shake.

Woo-wee!

Wee, wee, wee, wee, weeb.

Make sure you put that bitch on puree.

Because I ain't trying to get a little fucking eye.

Hit it with a couple bugs.

I swear to God, I get a little fingernail.

I'm going to throw up.

I'm going to get a little fingernail, because I know that's late term.

I'm going to get a little fingernail in there.

I'm going to fucking throw it up.

That's my theory.

I think maggots we should farm.

I'm cool with that.

I could get on board with bugs way before I could get on board with people.

Really?

Yeah, people on my.

Let me show you something.

Yeah.

Look at that.

Yeah.

Look at that.

Now, here's the thing.

You go,

you fillet it all.

Fillet it.

Korean barbecue.

Oh, my God.

Tasha.

Korean in a barbecue?

That's so good.

That forearm meat.

Honestly, sometimes I go like...

Oh, when you grab the saddlebag?

Look at that.

Yeah, you got a good calf.

I know.

I know.

Slim Pickens on mine.

Oh, you got skinny calves?

Skinny calves.

You and Ethan simmons patterson you ever check

oh you guys should compare calves it's his big insecurity

you love a skinny dude one the hottest girl i've ever met in my life but she's the hottest girl huge tits perfect face everybody loved her everybody wanted to fuck her and i was like i was morbidly obese moll goth and she was my stepbrother's girlfriend i was like is there anything you hate about your body she goes yeah i have big ankles and i remember being like you fucking bitch i hate my face i hate my body and then i look down i was like damn dude they connect up to your fucking quadriceps dude when you see bad ankles on a hot girl yeah it is crazy this is my it is crazy like a really hot girl with fat ankles and you go like what the it's crazy you know that's what um

ray

uh why can't i think of his name um

romano arubar oh what your ankles are fat oh

no uh ray charles yes ray charles was blind and he used to feel women's wrists and ankles to know if they were fat or not before he could, like, you know, rub on them or whatever.

He'd like grab their wrists.

That's what I do.

That's what I do to judge a man's cock.

Really?

All the time.

I'll be like,

wait, is it wrist?

I do.

So, see, I would have a huge cock.

See that bone there?

Yeah.

If you got the bone,

you're fine.

Yeah, I'm fine.

You're fine.

I've been trying to say this for a while.

I can draw your cock.

Big J always goes like, oh, soldier's got a huge piece.

I go, no, I'm not.

No, height has nothing to do with it.

But I go, I have.

You have Yankee standard, I bet.

Yeah.

Just a good.

I'm a little over.

I got.

Oh, nice.

Good.

I i got like a c plus that's fine

i'm fine yeah fine but jay spent eight years on the bonfire going like so he's got a massive dick and you're like i don't ari has a huge dick he does i've everyone's seen it i have not seen it but there's changing when he flops out he's got like a floppy like yeah but look at his wristbone he's got one of these gnarly big boy yeah so if that pops If that pops, it's big.

It also depends on the business.

Has it ever been proven wrong?

Oh, my, I've always been correct about a dick.

you've never lost you've never been incorrect because that's a big miss there was there was a time where i was i was being self-deceptive like i was like i know this is a really bad cock and then he said that he had broken a huge amount of his bones and he had brittle bones and i was like i know it's gonna be a skinny cock and it was quite skinny skinny the skinny yeah the skinny has to be The worst.

You have to be careful about talking about this with men because sometimes men are like, I have a skinny cock, but skinny cock is, I was thinking about this.

Like, like, it's so scary for you guys.

Like, if I unveil my vagina, there's so much, there's it's such a part of my body, like, it's like going like this.

Yeah, it's like, there's my pussy, and you're like, okay, there's an arm attached to it.

Sure, but with you guys, it's like, here is my penis.

Yeah, and I'm presenting you my whole personality.

I'm presenting you my whole personality, and I only have one.

Yeah, and if you think one boob is bad, the other one might be okay.

But I'll tell you where the wiggle room is: is

soft versus

erect.

you have nobody knows about what's soft nobody looks at soft god when when when you when your lady sees your soft penis for the first time yeah it is it is an experience i'm like a penis tyrant like i can't so you will never see us no i will but not a tyrant like that no i can't stop fucking with them oh like the balls i think they're so funny and i can't not see them as a guy yeah as a separate little guy oh so i remove it from you i don't think about you yeah they're the boss they're the boss This is the big underling.

Yeah.

This is the boss.

Yes, totally.

You're not wrong.

And I don't think about your opinions when I'm pulling.

Now, you guys have a situation down there.

And this is what takes men forever to figure out.

You have a crevasse that we have to get in and look.

And it's so hard for, this is why I feel bad for women.

Look, why do you got to look in there?

Because you go face to face with me.

You ever go monkey zone with the vagina?

What was it?

I just, this is how you know you're in love.

Yeah.

Is when you're in bed with a a lady and you're just

picking through.

Yeah, picking through.

Oh my god, yeah.

Monkey zone rich.

One of the best experiences of my life was when I was in my 20s and one of my exes was like, you can just fucking go around.

And I was like, look around.

I was just like, oh, there, like, I felt like

a true explorer.

An archaeologist.

I was going, like, you're like,

yeah.

I go,

there it is.

Yeah.

The clitoris.

It's so.

Ah, I've been looking for you, old friend.

Diamond in the room.

Ah, but move it back.

There it is.

And they go, beep boop.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You go, beep, boop.

Your sister's a bitch.

Beep boop.

Yeah.

She goes, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Your sister's fatter than you.

But looks-wise, I feel bad for you guys because it is very rare that you get a great-looking one.

It's, we don't look at it like you guys look at yourself.

I mean, yeah, because we, all we do is look at it.

Yeah, we don't look at it.

From the time we are born,

we look at it, knock it around.

We look at it.

That moment when you're knocking it around and it, yeah, that's your tits.

Yeah.

The moment you're knocking it around as a guy and it catches a different vibe is the moment where you become where you go like, you're just little and you're like, bad.

And then there's one day you go, play that again.

It's like in a, you know, in a bio pic about a musician where they sing the song that they're famous for and they go,

say that again.

I said,

all eyes are on me.

And he goes, all eyes on me.

All eyes on me.

That's like what you do with your dick you go like look at this i'm slabbing it and you go oh do that again

do that again and then you go oh all right this is my whole life now this is my whole

we're like that in the bathtub there's a moment in the bathtub where we're gonna fuck you

because you guys i always found it fascinating girls the first time you put a mirror down and look at your pussy because you can't really just go like in there and like no you got to like put something down like a fucking like you're shooting a guy around a corner we see each other's vaginas you got to put gum on a knife and then put a little mirror and go, like, hey, hey, hey, there you go.

That's wild.

You lay it down and stand over it.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Because not only are you, do you have the pussy that you're looking into, but you also, here's what happens: you are standing over the mirror, and first you see your vagina.

Horrified, right?

Like, that's crazy.

Your butthole's browner than you could have ever imagined.

The first time I ever saw my butthole, it's so

dark, literally.

When you see yourself in security camera for the first time,

you're waving.

Or the security thing at like Home Depot that comes up.

Where you walk

back and you go,

that's my butthole.

You go, oh, fuck.

And you're just waving at the camera.

You're like, hey!

So you put it down on the ground and you're going to get it.

You put it down, and then the problem is you see your vagina and you're like, that's bad.

And then you look two inches up and you see your fucking face.

You're just being a nosy neighbor.

And the underchin, and just like,

all sides of me are bad.

You go, whose pussy is this?

Whose

little sweet pussy is this?

Yeah, dude.

When you're a boy,

you're literally in the bathtub.

Every time you're in the bathtub, you're like pulling it, pushing it.

Oh, we are too.

We are too.

I remember one girl would pull her labia.

One girl would say,

Yo,

the fuck?

The fuck is wrong with you?

Ripping your labia, you fucking psycho.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, shit.

It hung down.

She a droopy little dog, pussy.

Oh no.

No, I'm, no, no, it's gonna play with me.

When she shakes her hands, he fucking does it.

If you find that cartoon, please put it on the bottom.

I'm convinced that that guy's voice is based off of Capote.

Yeah.

That human Capote.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think it is.

This movie was in curved blood.

Going down.

Going down on my head, pussy.

Yeah, dude.

I don't know why.

She tugged.

She tugged a lot.

And I'd be like, stop tugging.

And then it's self-mutilation.

I know.

I know.

That's wild, but we all mutilate.

All girls do is mutilate.

I mean, but I feel like guys, we hurt our penises.

We push it to like find out what hurts.

And then the guys that like that end up becoming CEOs.

Oh, yeah.

They like, they like hurt their dicks and they go, I think I'm about to be CEOs.

What about Dan St.

Germain, who likes a diaper?

You know about that?

He has a diaper fetish.

I got really upset with him when he said this.

I was like, we can't be friends anymore.

We can't hang out.

He's my writing partner.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

Yeah,

he said it on BEA as a diaper fetish.

And I was like, just whatever you do.

He said it on your podcast.

Yeah.

We can talk.

It's fair game.

But he said he asked his wife to do it.

And I was like, how dare you?

He's like, I don't need you to change me.

Isn't that his wife?

Is like the sweetest little lady.

She's hot, way hotter than him.

Yeah.

I'm like, have you seen when

he puts it together?

No.

You haven't seen Dreamy St.

Germaine?

Show me.

Dude, old school.

I'm talking about like, I would have to go back in time.

Saint-Germain with long hair.

Oh.

Get the fuck out of here.

I'm hearing that a lot of people used to be really hot.

His Woodsman look.

You're like.

Oh, you love that.

Oh, dude.

Young Dan St.

Germain is like,

good night.

I just don't think fetishes are real.

I think it's a thought that you have too many times and you have to.

What do you mean?

Well, it's like me on an airplane.

Every time I'm next to the emergency exit, I'm like, I want to pull this.

I want to pull this.

And I'm like, that's like what a fetish is.

You just have an intrusive thought too many times that you can't quell.

Yeah, you go, I really want to do this.

Sometimes you get slapped with a fetish and you're like, oh, shit, this is actually the best.

I didn't even realize.

I did full rape the other day.

Did what?

Full rape.

Did full rape.

See, look at you.

Where I was rapping.

Oh, yeah.

I get it.

But how, can I ask a question, female to?

Oh, yeah.

Thank you for not glazing over it with me just going, I did.

How do you, it was the whole point that you like held him down and got his wiener hard and then put it in?

Yeah.

it's kind of sick he was like i don't want to have sex and i was like we're having sex oh that's a lot yeah i've had that before i've been because he hates me the guy i'm seeing hates me he wishes i was he just doesn't which i love oh he just is like get off your stupid and ugly and dumb and i'm like we're gonna have sex though and he's like no and then i was while i was getting him hard i was just hitting him in the sky

and he was stayed remained hard got harder each hit okay so i'll tell you right now if i go soft and you're doing that you better put your dukes up because we're about to fight if you're like hitting me and I'm going soft, I'm like, hey, you're about to get powerbombed through a car.

No way.

No way.

Like, I'm just telling you.

And it's a good, it was a good hit.

You know,

second hit.

I was not.

Yeah.

You're a carpenter.

Yeah.

You could throw a fucking, you could throw a fucking.

It was you're getting, and it was, and I could feel the blood each time I did it.

Oh, where, where, where we start the tick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Your boner goes like.

So annoying when you guys somehow, I feel like the amount of times the boner tick has hit my fucking eye.

Just so many times.

That means the blood's pumping.

When it hits, when you guys tap it, because you know you can make it move like that, and my face is in the way.

Oh, that's fine.

Bam.

Dude, one time.

I never want to see the helicopter dick again.

Yeah,

that's kind of hack, if you ask me.

It's really hack.

Dare was, I mean, but if a guy can do it, holy geez.

I dated a guy who could do it so well, and it became the band.

It got me like a hot rage every time he did it.

Where he'd go, no, no, where I'd be like, I'm going to, I will fist fight you if I have to see that one more time.

Punch it.

It's so offensive.

It's like a speed bag.

Yeah.

He's like,

one time uh

this girl i was dating this was like hurricane irene or something like 2011.

irene was a good one it was great we got me and this girl got blackout drunk on a bottle of jameson it was sick and then we had you know it was just like a hurricane so we fucked or whatever yeah i sleep in my underwear i don't sleep naked it's disgusting to sleep naked yeah i don't i just don't want to do it because i have a soft we

maybe

i could sleep naked with her because we're married you know we're engaged.

We're going to get married.

She's the lovely.

Doesn't it feel good, though, right?

The things touch.

At first, it does.

If you're going to go from sleeping to sleep naked into sex, it works great.

Okay, gotcha.

If you're just going sleeping naked, I don't like it.

There could be an intruder.

There could be a lot of reasons I have to be naked.

I understand my father used to sleep naked all the time.

It was very weird.

My dad was naked all the time.

And then he would change.

When he'd have to change his pants, he'd turn around.

Yes.

And I'd be like, I can see your walls and cocks.

Yeah, yeah.

yeah it was so awful when i would visit my dad we would sleep on a pull-out couch in my grandma's guest room yeah this is in series oh we had the same dad though we had white trash dads yeah and my dad would sleep i it was a couch pullout bed so it's not like he didn't me but we talked about this on your podcast it is a little weird i would sleep full pajama up dick tracy pajamas yeah tops and bottoms my dad would be nude Yeah, and he would sleep on the other side of the bed.

We wouldn't touch.

It was just fucking two guys having a sleep.

But then he would get up in the morning to go work at the liquor liquor store and he would put his fucking corduroy, his OP corduroy shorts on.

No underwear.

No under.

No underwear.

My dad never wore any.

Corduroy's, which is nasty.

Brutal.

Brutal.

That fart is just staying in that fabric.

Sweat.

Sweat in the balls.

Sweat.

Gary, what are you doing?

Brutal.

So he put his

light blue, like ocean blue OP

corduroy shorts on.

Buck naked, and you just watch his balls and nuts just flop in there.

Yeah.

That's why I always thought I had a really small dick because I used to, when I would stay with my dad my dad had a good piece and i didn't have a good piece we just thought that that's exactly although my mom just said my dad had a good piece my mom said my dad had a good piece too but i had my mom said my dad did my mom one time when i was like a teenager admitted to me and my friend byron and trish i know you're watching this and i can call byron and he'll back me up on this she admitted my stepdad had a giant cock and he was gone he had already moved out but she was like she was like saying something about like her current boyfriend and me and byron are like does he have a little wiener we're just being like 13 year old boys and she goes no but Nick holy shit and we're like damn he had a big ass dick yeah you gotta you can tell he underslept my mom describes every fucking body part on it I just found out my mom cheated on my other mom with two men I found that out yesterday what yeah she like cheated on your your other mom the mom she was with yeah with two men we were all together and Michelle one of my moms was like what about the two men that you had sex with and I was like what me and my sister were like oh

and we were on a podcast and mom's like shut the fuck up, Michelle.

Yeah.

And it was like, she was like, that was conference sex.

And we were like, what is conference sex?

Yeah, yeah.

She just cheated.

Yeah, she was, she's a serious, she cheats on anybody.

She cheats on anybody, justifies it.

It was crazy.

That's what.

Yeah, she's like a cult leader.

It's crazy how people who cheat like that can justify it the way super villains are like,

I'm taking over the world.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, I know you're upset about it.

Go full Putin, be like, I want it.

I want it.

Go Joker.

I want it.

These fucking pussy ass batman is trying to stop me yeah that's what they do that's what my mom does she's like well you know i mean my two moms that are together now michelle was like we're together because you basically set us up on a date because you didn't want to come and you were like yeah go you go fuck my wife you know as like kind of a bit but kind of also like get her out of here for a night holy i know i was like i didn't know any of this does your ex-step mom talk to your mom at all or you anymore my yeah we're all everybody this was all together yeah they're all best friends

because mom and or michelle and don are in love like they since they left my mom and found each other okay so they're like we're good and my mom just has two giant pit bulls and is like i'm not going to date again because i just cheat on everybody i'm just going to be john wick how crazy is it when moms retire it's she's not retired she has a nailbag on every day and is working every day i must no but i mean like from dating

it's brutal because then i become the boyfriend or the girlfriend i can kind of see that my mom and i have a healthy relationship right now she put down boundaries

we talk once a week that's good once a week for like 30 minutes but she she's not dating no but you want her to

no you're fine with it if she wants to if she wants to i would completely support it bums me out i would completely support it

i've been through it yeah you've been through it i've been through it but you have to get over it where you go okay

I want my mom to be happy.

Yeah.

Whatever makes her happy.

If dating would make her happy, then I think she should date.

My mom's supposed to be happy.

Dating didn't make her happy.

There's been a bunch of stinker ex-boyfriends.

Oh.

Yeah.

I'm good.

I kind of like how it moves right now.

Yeah, yeah.

Katie and I love her and we give her attention, you know.

But if she wanted to date, if she had a boy, if we went back to Colorado and she had a boyfriend, I'd love to meet her.

Boy, I can't imagine having a straight mom, though.

My mom was just bringing women in.

How is that, though?

It's just nice.

You and your sister, right?

Yeah.

You don't have a brother.

I have stepbrothers from Michelle's kids.

Okay.

But, which I think.

Having a lesbian mom would be tough.

It was tough because I would bring boys over and they would get a hard-on because my moms were making out.

You know what I mean?

It's pretty sick.

Yeah.

You go, but it's great.

The golden goes gold mine.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

I go over there and it's just a fucking

sorority girl.

Because lesbians always have hands-on butts.

It's always hands-on butts with lesbians.

Hands in the back pocket.

Always.

Constantly.

Shout out.

Did you think growing up with a lesbian mom that you were going to be a lesbian?

Like, do you grow up like the way that like a gay kid will grow up with straight parents, right?

And then they like have to deal with the fact that they're not going to be straight and they have to like come out to their parents.

Did you have to tell your mom you like dick?

Did you have to be like, I've been boy crazy since I was like five.

Okay.

Yeah.

So she knew.

She knew.

And me and my sister, my sister was a huge whore.

Shout out.

Huge.

And I was not.

How much older is she?

Six years older.

Damn.

So you saw like, you were like 11.

She was 17.

She was like ripping it.

Yeah, she was ripping and she was hot and she was like, and she was athletic and I was masculine, but we both were like, there's one thing we

get along with, which is we suck cock.

We love it.

Because our dad was neglectful.

And we had a million women around.

Your dad was like, how do I make the perfect soldier?

Yes.

Leave them.

Yes.

Give them lesbian moms.

Do you talk to your dad a lot?

He's dead.

Shout out.

When did he die?

Is your dad?

Is Gary dead?

Oh, nice.

When did you join Dead Dad Club?

I was 23, so 10 years ago so okay so 2015 yeah he died yeah i'm i'm ddc since 97.

oh he was young he was 48 yeah my dad was 58.

yeah it's crazy i didn't even think 48 was young i know when it happened i was 14.

yeah but then he smoker uh it was drinking oh well it was actually if you want to get into it yeah it was hep c that turned into

liver and kidney failure into cirrhosis what's hep c hep c hepatitis c you got it from raw dog and some fucking trailer slut.

Wow.

I stayed at her house.

I know who it was.

You do?

It hasn't been proven, but I know who it was.

I know who it was.

Few teeth.

Oh, no, she was like run down.

Run down, but kind of hot.

And we had a lot of fun.

We all were like, like probably in like

late 70s was a fucking fox.

There's nothing better.

But early 90s.

Yeah.

Wrankles.

This is before work was getting done.

So she was full Sharpe.

Yeah, yeah.

But just like you could tell I had a a nice body.

She had like three kids.

Her oldest.

Full Sharpe.

Her daughter was like hot.

Her daughter was like, I was 14.

Her daughter was like 21.

And she was like hot.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then my dad was just fucking.

Did you, I have a whole thing where in my special where I talk about how if you grow up white trash, you hear adults having sex.

Oh, I grew up, but I grew up in the burbs and I heard that.

Your parents in the burbs?

My mom and her boyfriend Joe.

Yeah, it's nothing.

I told this story on Opi and Anthony, but it's true.

I would be watching wrestling like Monday Night Tro, WCW, right?

Yeah.

12.

And then my mom and Joe would get blackout drunk at dinner, as they did.

Yeah.

And then they would go upstairs and you would start to hear it.

Yeah.

You would like start to hear the movements where you knew it was coming.

And then there was a couple times where I would just go like, all right.

Yeah, yeah.

Like I would just say that out loud.

And I'd go out back and smoke a cigarette when I was like 12.

Yeah.

That's why when Forrest Gump hit, I was like, this hit's too close to home, dude.

I don't like this, like, what him walking.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I would hear my dad have sex too when I would stay with this lady.

And then I would hear my dad do the walk to the bathroom.

And he'd be like, hey, pal.

And you're like, oh.

Don't, dude.

You got pussy juice on me.

One time I was in a cabin and I looked through a hole.

And I could see my dad having sex.

And he looked up at the hole.

And he couldn't see me, but he could see the hole.

But it looked like he was making eye contact with me.

And I remember being like a kid and being like, this is going to fucking, this is going to leave a mark.

Fucked up.

I remember one time, Byron shout out Byron

he heard we both heard them when your friend hears your mom yeah oh all the time you go like this you go I'm sorry yeah you just like he's like oh and you're like dude I can't tell you how embarrassing that is because you just go like I know I know but they're fucking whatever dude whatever your mom's not fucking yeah you're trying to turn it on your head so many times

so many times I'd find my friends in the bathroom that was up against my mom's room and they would be like laughing and I'd open the door and be like, get off the guy.

They're not, they're not doing it.

No, but then we hit a point when I was older where my friends would fuck with my mom's boyfriends and it was funny.

Oh, yeah, I love them.

They came over and there would be like six of us smoking cigarettes and be like, who's this dude?

This one guy walked up.

It's my favorite.

How many boyfriends?

A lot.

Okay, okay, okay.

My mom has a list.

She showed Katie and Katie was like,

My mom has like a hit list.

That's awesome.

On a white piece of legal pad paper, and it's

front and back.

That's awesome.

My mom's awesome.

My mom came up to us at Christmas because we made fun of this on the podcast.

And my mom came up to us at Christmas.

She goes, I found my last.

And I was like, oh, Jesus.

Katie screaming.

Katie's like, yo, True.

She's super hot.

My mom?

Yeah.

No, but my mom was pretty.

Yeah, yeah.

My mother was a pretty lady.

But she, um,

uh, this guy she went on a date with, I used to drive a Dodge Stratus, 1996.

White Dodd Stratus.

Nice.

I drive a Dodge Stratus.

Um,

just parked in their driveway.

Yeah.

And this fucking fat, red-headed giant dude.

I'm 6'3.

He had to be 6'6.

And like big.

Former Navy SEAL.

Big guy.

Nice.

Big stocking guy.

Comes up and he goes, whose pussy ass car is this?

And I was like, wow.

Mine?

And then my friends looked at me and were like, well, this guy's cooked.

Yeah.

And then he just went in and my mom like went on a date with him.

She's like, that guy's, that was, me and all our friends were like, fuck that dude.

We don't like that dude.

That's awesome.

I used to terrorize my dad's girlfriends and their mom's.

Yeah.

there was like I used to, I had a puppy, and I would feed them, I would feed the girl's shoes to her because it would destroy it.

Yeah,

and then there was one plan that I had for my stepmom where I was like, I'm gonna super glue because I had seen Matilda.

I was like, I'm gonna super glue her shoes, and her feet are gonna be forever stuck in the shoes.

And I waited all day, I put the super glue in, I filled it up, filled, and then I waited, I waited, and she came and put her foot in, immediately took it back out.

And I like days later, was like, oh, it dries.

It dries.

Yeah.

Did you ever have a mom's boyfriend that you liked?

Yeah, Kermit.

His name was Kermit.

And he was, I liked him because my mom didn't like him because he was like a simple man.

Sure.

But yeah, he had like cows and a farm and a pond.

Was there ever a girlfriend of your dad's that you liked?

No.

Not one.

Kate, yes, there was one.

Yes, if they kept their distance, because I was my dad's girlfriend.

He was my boyfriend.

And they were second and if they respected that then i liked them and if they had like one of them had a son and was like here instead of your dad being your boyfriend you can terrorize my autistic son

who is way older you look at his wrist you go big dick on the boy though big dick so that was good i liked them because i was like i was like you know nine and he was probably yeah 16 or something i hated when they had other kids Oh, yeah.

But one boy as a girl and you just bother, you just go up to him while he's playing playing video games and just hit the X controller and you go, stop.

And you go, no.

Yeah, I'm your sister now.

And you go, no.

If my dad plays this right, we're brother and sister.

Yeah.

I loved that.

I mean, I had sex with one of my stepbrothers.

Oh, yeah.

I've heard that bit.

That is wild.

My favorite thing in the world is, which is why I'm dating the person I'm dating, is I don't like you.

And I go, I don't care.

And they go, get away.

If I had a tail.

If I had a tail, like a double tail, every time a guy was like, I don't get out of my house, I would be like, stop.

But my tail would be.

go, that's like when Myrtle acts like, she's mad at me.

I go, what are you mad at me about?

It's like,

that's the best.

That's the best.

I'm holding it in, but I'm so happy you're home.

Yeah, yeah.

But I come home from these spots.

See you later.

And I go, what?

And she's like, we went on a walk and you left.

And she's like,

yeah, yeah.

That's great.

I always think about if I had a tail.

Like when I get in altercation, when I get like in fights or something, where it's at, like, I'm at the TSA and I'm like, why are you fucking talking to me like that?

And they're like, how about this lady?

And I know my tail thing.

It'd be so funny on stage if a joke doesn't hit and mine just wraps under it.

Yeah, yeah.

They go, his tail's between his legs.

And I go, so you guys did like that one, huh?

Fuck, fuck.

Just curling over my dick.

I go, oh, fuck, I'm fuck.

I don't know.

I'm bobbing.

When is your special coming out?

September.

September.

Listen to being Ian with Jordan.

And R.I.P.

Jordan Jensen.

R.I.P.

Jordan Jensen.

Fuck you.

Yeah.

Go download it.

She's one of the best working comics.

My favorite to watch.

My favorite is you to watch.

Stop it.

All right.

I said it first night.

It was like a copy.

Everybody knows it.

Go follow her at Jordan Jensen.

See, I did like a back end intro, but it worked.

It did work.

That's the podcast.

That's good.