83: Know Too Much with Steven Rogers | Soder Podcast | EP 81

Hey everybody, it's me.

It's Dan.

It's a guy you're watching.

I'm on the road, baby.

May 29th through the 31st.

I'm going to be in Appleton, Wisconsin at Skyline Comedy Club doing five shows.

June 6th, I'll be at the Count Basie Center, Red Bank, New Jersey.

Tickets are close to sold out.

Please sell that out.

That would be fucking really cool to sell that venue out.

It's an awesome theater.

And then Syracuse, New York, June 13th and 14th, I'm going to be at the Syracuse Funny Bone.

That's Friday, Saturday, just doing four shows.

So I'll see you up there.

Maybe get a little fucking salt potatoes, whatever the fuck you guys eat.

DanceOder.com.

Tickets.

First off, I'm bad with intros.

I'm never going to do an official intro.

I'm never going to.

I like that.

But sometimes I'm talking to people and we just get carried away in a conversation and people go, you didn't even say who this guy is.

This is Stephen Rogers.

His special is on YouTube right now.

Go watch him.

He's fucking hilarious.

Former building mate of Joe List.

That's right.

That's, I think, the best credit.

It is the best credit.

You had to see Joe List taking out the trash.

All the time, I'm in the front of the building, so I could just see what hat he chose to wear that day.

That's right.

Yeah.

You're like, oh, that's fun.

He was just in Wisconsin.

He bought a Wisconsin hat.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm one of those people.

I'm one of the few that I don't believe in wearing hats that aren't your team.

I think it's a false indicator, and I've been put in positions, especially in New York, where you want to make a connection with a person based on the hat they're wearing.

And then

when they don't care, it hurts.

They're like, I just had bad hair in St.

Louis.

I bought a hat.

Who was doing that?

Oh, I was at a

table read with Paul Giamatti.

Whoa.

And he had for billions.

And

he had a dolphins hat on.

My middle school friend, one of my oldest friends in the world, one of my middle school best friends is the head coach of the Dolphins.

So I walked up to Giamatti like, hey, my friend's the the coach.

And he was like, oh, I bought this hat.

I needed a hat.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, that's fuck.

This is why you don't do that.

This cool black dude on the train.

I'm a San Francisco Giants fan.

So I always have my San Francisco Giants hat on.

And this cool black dude was on the train with San Francisco Giants hat.

We were like both standing up, you know, and he was like where the door was.

And I went, hey, go Giants.

And he went, What?

And I went, Go Giants.

And he went,

Oh, yeah, the hat, it just matches the shoes.

And I went, they do.

Like, so happy for them.

I was like, oh, my God, your people.

That's why I said it.

I go, your people are so good.

Go real old.

This is now my stop.

I'm going to get off now.

Because you people also have sharp knuckles.

He just keeps saying stuff that he's like, well, now I have to get off the train and beat your ass too.

Where are you from originally?

Syracuse.

Wow.

I'm going up there soon.

Everyone's a big fan of it.

I'm scared of that funny bone.

No one worked it.

I haven't worked it since I was like a middle.

Yeah.

No one likes it.

Why don't people like it?

Well, it's in a giant mall that is...

I'm used to that, baby.

That's old hat.

Yeah, that's true.

I don't think it's a comedy show unless I walk by an auntie hands,

unless I'm turning down hot pretzels.

It's, I mean,

I don't know.

Well, first of all, it's the snowiest city in the U.S.

It's often not doing great weather-wise.

It's always overcast, even like in good weather.

And I love it.

And this is someone that loves it talking.

You don't have the accent.

I don't.

You don't have the accent.

I think I have a little bit.

No?

I'm fine with not it.

I'm Francis.

Jesse Mae Peluso is the only other person I know from Syracuse.

She has a thick Syracuse accent.

Yeah, the A's are our giveaway.

Yeah, they're almost like Midwestern.

Yes, we're very Midwestern.

Yeah, it's not like

I tried making fun of people from Buffalo about it and they got mad.

They're like, we don't sound Midwestern.

We sound and you go, you sound Midwestern.

Yeah, we are Midwestern.

Yeah, because it's Western New York.

People think I, I foolishly, when I first moved to New York, I thought Syracuse was like

on the border.

But it kind of Buffalo's on the border.

Yeah.

How close is Buffalo to Syracuse?

Two hours.

Yeah.

And you guys just love food that'll get you through a winter.

That's the only way I can describe Syracuse.

You are very

spot on.

Take those potatoes.

Put meat with them.

Yeah.

No one's vegan in Syracuse.

No, you can't.

We're not going to survive.

That club has such an awful reputation that I'm very interested to see.

Yeah.

You've never heard this, Pimp?

No.

Comics, no.

And if you're from Syracuse, it's nothing against you.

It's not against.

And if you work at the club, I'm going to be there soon.

In fact, what a good time to plug my dates in.

Or December, if you want to.

But I really, are you

there in?

I'm headlining in December.

December.

Come see the hometown hero.

I will be there June 13th and 14th.

My father's birthday, who's dead.

So it can't get worse.

Syracuse, it can't get worse.

But I will be there June 13th and 14th.

Four shows.

I have, I just, I'll go Murill, Norm, and friends of mine that have came back and gone, what an awful experience.

So like I was a young comic in Syracuse.

You know, you guys were people that I looked up to from Syracuse.

If you came through, I want, I was trying to be on those shows.

Sure, like, these are these guys from New York, they're hard-working comics, they're who I want to be.

And every single one of them would just trash on my home club.

Oh, man.

And I would be like, I'm in the worst, apparently, I'm in the worst club that there is.

Which is wild because Buffalo Helium is one of the best clubs in the country.

Really great.

Shout out Sean, the general manager.

Love Sean.

Just the fucking best.

Yeah.

Same pose every picture.

Comedy at the Carlson, Rochester, New York.

Phenomenal club.

Really good club.

I love that fucking club.

I get excited to go to Rochester.

There was a blizzard one time I was in Rochester.

I was very constipated.

And there was a blizzard.

And I was like, well, I'll just sit in the hotel and try to poop all night.

And the guy was like, no, there's a show.

You guys drive out for three feet of snow.

So I need to find out because I feel like Syracuse deserves this.

I think it's better than the reputation it gives.

Right.

I think it's great.

That's all I want to hear.

I have a good time there.

And I feel like it's going to be a lot of my fans.

These clubs, for those of you that aren't in comedy, a lot of times these mall clubs get bad reputations because

they're taking a risk on a younger comic that maybe doesn't sell tickets or a guy that's maybe in a downswing and they paper the room.

So they just basically give away free tickets to whoever wants to come.

Right.

Not a good way to coordinate an audience.

No.

Because then you're getting people who didn't pay, but also feel privileged.

Yeah.

And the show's stink.

So I've never had to deal with that because it's my hometown.

So you have people come out.

Yeah.

And then, yeah, when I saw like everyone we just mentioned, they weren't who they are now.

So I think if all those people went back, they would be pleasantly surprised.

Absolutely.

And I think you will too.

I'm excited.

I'm excited to go back.

There are times where you just like,

you know, I think in movies and like in bio pics, especially, they do this thing where like you're starting at a rinky-dinky club and your whole idea is to go out and get big and come back and have that moment where you're like, I'm back in the small thing.

I was trying, I started in Tucson, Arizona at a club called Laughs, and I had been trying to get back in there.

Yeah.

And

fuck, like, my agent reached out.

They didn't call back.

There was like all this stuff, but that's so good.

It's so good.

That's hilarious to me.

That's insane.

That's the most comic thing ever for them to be like, I don't know.

Well, then they sent me along.

The owner, I think the owner's son, who might be the owner now, sent me a DM.

But in the DM, he was like,

yeah, we don't want to book big headliners.

They're not worth it.

We have a good system where we just paper the room and people come.

And you're like, basically in the DM, he was like, hey, we're just here to sell drinks and food.

We're not here to provide.

And at that moment, you go, oh, then I don't want to come.

You do not want to come.

Then we're good.

No.

So I don't know when this is coming out, but I'm going to be at the Rialto,

which is the theater in Tucson.

So please fill that up.

That's amazing.

Because then I will have to go back to laughs begging.

Please, please bring me inside.

I said some shit about podcast.

I was fucking drunk.

I'm drinking again.

I'm drinking again.

You will have to paper.

Yeah, yeah.

Paper heavy for that.

But do you ever worry about like when you're in Syracuse?

Because when you do bits sometimes and you come home and people that you know,

when you do bits, do you ever hate that about performing in Syracuse?

Yeah.

So I was home, this is last year, headlining it, and in the front row was this girl that grew up one door down.

And

she,

you know, you also get the people from your life that don't go to comedy

coming to see you.

They have no idea.

And it's not their fault.

They're just not into it.

It's not their fault.

She got pretty drunk and she was talking to me like we were hanging out.

Love it.

And she was like, talk about the time that

the neighbor did this thing.

And I'm like, now, let's be honest.

We're in a safe space.

How angry were you?

How much did you have to hide?

I had to hide it for 45 minutes.

It's the way a parent has to hide wanting to hit their kid in public.

It's that like, you know?

Yeah.

When we get home,

I go, go, I, and I don't even know if this is the right move comedically, but I was like, hey, I'll tell that story if you do me a favor and let me do my show the rest of the night.

Yeah.

I'm like, just let me tell, I'll tell the story, but this, we don't normally do this.

Yeah.

And she was like, oh, I'm so sorry.

And then, you know, that drunk apologizing over and over.

And I go, no.

I'm so sorry.

Did I ruin your show?

And I go, we're good.

I'm sorry.

You do have to get like gun range instructor with them you go keep your questions down

i told you this i need your goggles on it the whole time yeah yeah there was um

i actually just did this club uh in richmond virginia the funny bone great club

um

I was doing, just having fun.

It was like very low-selling Thursday shows.

Sure.

But the crowd was great.

And this, I, uh, in high school, my senior year, I was in such love with this girl.

I had such a crush on this girl but she had a boyfriend it was a very complicated thing but I mean you want to talk about early 2000s smoking cigarettes listening to Dave Matthews band yeah I was in love with this girl yeah and I'm like saying something and I get heckled by somebody out of the darkness just someone yells a name my friend's name and I was like how do you know that name and then the heckler's like I went to high school with you and I was like who are you and it was that girl's little sister who I knew Bethany if you're watching this you did heckle me and uh

and then I I just went off on how her sister broke my heart

I was like well now uh you've you've you've unlocked this yeah you started this yeah I'm gonna finish it and I have the mic in the spotlight yeah so let me tell you where this is coming from but then her and her husband came back after and we're awesome and we talked and it was great uh but yeah that like i know no one else i wonder if cops get that that.

Like, I think I'm trying to think of the only other job where you know someone from childhood, where you, where you can't treat them like their profession, where you go like, like you get pulled over by,

shut up.

Fucking, didn't you used to have Rosatia?

And you're like, hey, shut up.

Like, what are you going to pull me over?

Cause my skin's clear?

And you're like, oh, fucking beat the shit out of me.

If I were a cop.

and I ran into someone I would go to high school with, I'd beat the shit out of them.

I immediately, my body cam would be off.

You're just in the squad car and you run the license and you just watch Steven go,

I got this.

And you go, yeah, you got really hyped up when you check their info.

This fucker used to stuff me in a locker.

I wonder.

I wish we could interview cops and like blank out their face, do like gangland and be like, I beat the shit out of them.

We went to high school together.

He was meeting me on the football team.

Because I would do that.

That's why when like liberals get very, very upset at cops and they they go, like, how could they act that way?

You go, it's human.

Yeah.

Trust me, you were given that power.

I highly doubt.

I'm very glad I don't have that power so I can sit from a judging place.

Yes, that's it.

You go, I relinquish that power in order for the power to judge.

Yeah, exactly.

Brother, I get it.

I 100% get it.

If I'm having a bad day, if I'm having a bad day at being a comic, I just call a lady in the audience a cunt.

You know, if you're having a bad day as a cop, you put four in the back of a guy running away away from you.

And that's just like, it's just a bad day.

Yeah.

Everyone's got them.

Yeah.

We got to start giving people more slack for having bad days, you know?

Oh, 100%.

I'm not saying we should write off all police abuse.

No, no, no.

We're talking about bad days.

I'm talking about specifically having a bad day at work.

Bumping into anyone you knew

at your job

sucks.

Yeah.

I don't care what the job is.

Stand-up, police.

Dude, when I was a waiter,

this cute girl i went to high school with that i hadn't seen in

like

five six years at the time i had to wait on her at a work party right and so she just did the thing while i was clearing tables where she's like i went to high school with him oh you don't do that and you don't

are you done with that

stacking it on the two things you don't You're supposed to let the guy do his job and not, and you have like the wink moment.

Were you ever a waiter?

I was a cashier.

And that happened a lot.

There's way more shit than waiters.

I agree, but waiters would disagree.

Yeah, well, waiters are we're theatrical gays.

So I wouldn't be surprised that we're disagreeing with that.

I would get people

that I went to high school with come through my line.

Where were you a cashier at?

At Wegmans and Syracuse.

Son of a bitch.

That is 11 out of 10 degree difficulty.

Yeah.

Oh, would they ever do this?

Would they ever go, Steven?

Yeah.

Oh.

And I go, well, it says it here.

You knew.

Fucking

how many how many of those until it was a bit uh I mean because you get bits with like that's like I never did I just thought of that now really I didn't ever do that you didn't do that as a bit I had a bit at bed bath and beyond because we had to wear yeah name tags but like by the a couple months in I was just unloading trucks so I was in the back but if I wanted to go fill my water bottle I had to go through the store yeah and anyone if you had a name tag on and anyone asked you a question you had to give them like that fake this is why that fucking dumb company's bankrupt

You had to be like, hi.

And if I'm unloading, I'm literally counting loofahs with a scan tagger.

I just have a box cutter.

I just want to go smoke cigarettes.

That's all I want.

And you would go in and these dumb old ladies would be like, I'm looking for 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.

You go, then go to bedding, you dumb bitch.

But I had to be like,

oh, we'll come, but I don't have that in me.

I don't either.

I have a very limited amount of that in me.

So if I was having a bad day at Bed Bath and Beyond, it's Arizona.

So like in the back, it would get like, they had air conditioners, but it would get to like 95 in the back and you're just

the truck things going up and you're just pulling boxes.

You're not in a good mood.

And I was going, I used to have a bit where if people asked me for help, they'd go, excuse me, do you work here?

And I go, no, I just like name tags.

And I'd keep it moving.

And it worked.

And it worked.

They'd go like, huh?

And then I'd just be like filling my water at the cold water fountain, not the hot one by the office.

I'm not a fucking idiot.

So you fill it with the cold water and then you walk through and you're like, I don't know.

I stop and talk to him.

Technically, I did what you asked me to do.

And then I'd just go into the middle and eat candy bars.

I would steal candy bars and just eat them.

Cashier sucks.

Cashier stinks.

What was the worst send?

Did you have to tell someone to send stuff back?

Like, could they not afford stuff?

Like, while you're scanning it?

Because I've been that guy.

Louie had a phenomenal joke about that where he like goes to the grocery store and he's like, doesn't have enough money?

He goes, oh, I guess you can just put all that back.

Yeah, I remember.

Yeah, that's an old Louie joke.

I had a woman come up.

She was doing EBT.

She had this huge amount of food.

And she looked at me and she goes, I don't want to have to do this twice.

It was, you know, some filling out the cart, you know, in the red, you know.

And as soon as she said that, I was like, this woman's going to have to do this twice.

Oh, no.

Because the anxiety of, yeah.

So that's your bottle.

That's your hurt locker.

Yeah.

Now you're like, green wire, red wire.

Green wire, red wire.

She's like, I'm on government assistance, and I'm mad about it, and I don't want to do this twice.

And good news, she didn't have to do it twice.

She had to do it three times.

Oh!

What did she have to do with the ED?

I forget, like, I had to enter something that's on it, like, on her card.

And it's like, you know, it's more complicated than your, your muscle memory stuff.

Yeah.

So anything that breaks the repetition, you know, you could be out, or you just haven't done it.

Yeah.

That's even harder.

Yeah.

Not doing something at a job and having to do it for the first time is such an anxious experience.

Yeah.

Like

I never knew how to open a bottle of wine.

Oh my, I still, yeah.

Like I never, I never knew.

Cork is an inside.

Yeah, but like the actual presentation about how you hold the bottle.

Oh, yeah, you have to.

And then you take a little knife cut out and you cut off the top and then you put the key in and you twist it.

But then what you do is you do a one,

two.

And so, I mean, I got good at it.

The first time I had to do it, I was right around this time.

Again, I don't know where we're in this, but it was 420.

I remember the date.

Because

I got high as shit.

It was 420.

And I was on a double at Dos Caminos.

And

I went to my friend Troy's house, who's on 57th and 1st, and he had a bong.

And it was 420.

And I was on my break.

And I was like, it's 420.

I'm going to rip.

I didn't have any money, so I didn't have have any weed.

Yeah.

So my friend Troy was like working at Sirius at the time and he was like, yeah, I'll give you some bong hits.

It wasn't Troy Kwan.

ONA fans always love to go like, it was my friend Troy who I knew from Arizona from U of A.

And we take like

three bong hits each.

We were playing Xbox 360 just came out.

So it was like revolutionary.

Huge.

And then I was like, oh, I got to go back for my dinner shift.

It's always the shifts that you think aren't going to be shit where the worst stuff happens.

We go, I got my dinner shift and then I'll come back over and we'll play more Xbox 360.

It's like that kind of talk.

Like, let me go do this small, inconvenient thing, and then I'll be back.

Dude, I was fucking ripped.

And we used to have to do pre-shift.

Yeah.

Pre-shift most restaurants do.

The nicer restaurants bring out the specials and you sell them back to the chef to show that you understand what's in the dish.

But then there's also menu items.

And so what they would do is it'd be like this long dinner right

it'd be like 16 to 18 waiters even talking about it's making me sweat

people have been dming me about they like waiter stories well here's one for you because this one's upsetting me already on the inside

18 waiters and i'm new this is like maybe two months into me living in the city i don't know new york i don't i'm i'm a fucking colorado arizona bumpkin you know i'm just like i remember moving here i wouldn't want to do the the pressure you feel pimps from the city so they don't understand this there is a pressure when you move here that you go like city's so fucking tight i'm so fucking scared but

i'm high and i'm high enough that when i sit down i go like nice i get to eat food like that's all i keep thinking i was like pass the guacamole because they'd always right drop a guacamole and get chips and when you're thinking that you know your priorities are in a my mind is not focused

and i remember the it was vanessa the manager and we're like sitting around and they would call on waiters, you know, and like they would call on one waiter.

And they, I, I talked about it on a previous episode, this guy, Efren.

I hope he's okay.

He was this older, gay Ecuadorian dude.

He was Spanish, and he would stand up and he'd be like, these are our plantain empanadas.

It's plantain masa filled with cotillachis and black beans.

Thank you.

He would like sell it really gay, but then he'd be like, thank you and sit down.

I always remember that.

I always remember Efren.

He like sells something and I'm like, hi.

And I'm like, he's gay.

Cause I'm still from Colorado.

So I'm like, this guy is gay.

When you move to New York and you're from there, you're like, God, they're so loud about it.

But Ephraim was like, I'm just trying to hear that guacamole man with this.

It was beautiful.

Thank you.

Dog, it came up to me

and I'm high as shit.

And I think Vanessa knew that.

She goes, Dan.

And I was like, no.

And she goes, sell back this.

And it was the mushroom empanadas and I couldn't remember the name empanada so I just go is these are mushrooms

and three times strong I went these are mushrooms

these are mushrooms and she goes sit down

and I was like fuck I'm in trouble so then they do do and then they get to the wine and she goes all right Dan you couldn't do the mushroom empanadas why don't you present the red wine we have tonight and tell us what it is I'm high as fuck talking about that EBT thing where you have to like do something you're not used to, I have never done wine service.

I got hired because my friend was, my friend's brother was the chef.

So it was a, it was a nepo hire.

Right.

And I get it and I like

just stick the, I don't take the tin foil off.

I just put it in there and I start twisting it.

And she goes, what the fuck are you doing?

And I was like, huh.

And then like the Snickers.

Yeah.

And then it's like, you know, these are all theater kids.

So they're good at making you feel like shit.

Yeah, they're like, He doesn't even know how to do it, and you're like,

Man, I'm high as fuck, and I'm just like,

and then she was like, Stop, put it down,

go open bottles of wine with Chef Memo after this pre-shift.

So, I had to go to the back of the restaurant and with one of the chefs, had to learn how to, but it taught me, taught me how to learn how to open wine bottles.

But that was a moment that is just grained in my head.

That's how I've learned most stuff: uh, being a horribly humiliated.

Yes.

Going through severe pain.

Yes.

And I'll never forget it.

But you'll never forget it.

And now I have a skill.

This is

why we need to bring shame back.

I think, I mean, I have never given it up.

Me too.

I'm shameful about every small little thing, and it changes.

How you do stuff.

Yes.

You become more focused on doing it right.

When you are...

I think like the

Everyone Gets a Trophy thing, I think the idea behind it was good.

Sure.

They wanted to save kids from embarrassment.

Yeah.

There are some kids that can't handle embarrassment and their lives drop.

But I also think you made a generation of cocksuckers, just mean mothers

that are just like, I don't give a fuck.

It's like, because you didn't get humbled.

Yes.

Yeah.

You did not get humbled.

And getting humbled is very important to make a decent person.

It's so important to make a decent person.

And now I'm at a point where when I'm humbled,

it doesn't ever feel good, but the recovery is faster.

And I'm laughing pretty quickly after being humbled.

Best part about being a comic is

everyone wants to hear you fail.

Yeah.

So when something's bad going, you go like, yeah, it's a good joke.

Yeah.

This will be a joke.

This makes me feel like shit's going to be a joke.

And I'll say also, like, being a comic has made me more of a risk taker because I'm not afraid of failing because I know I get a bit.

There you go.

So I'm like, I either get this thing I'm chasing or I have a bit.

But it doesn't matter if you're a comedian.

I think it's really important for people just to learn how to feel shame

and to learn how to shake it off.

Yes.

To have that moment where you go, haha, fuck, I am being a dickhead.

I think our country completely lacks that, right?

Yes, I agree.

Everyone lacks left and right both lack this idea of going like, ah, fuck, I'm an idiot.

Yeah.

I fucked up.

So quick to try to find out.

find how we're right or you know not admit that we're wrong yeah and it's like admitting you're wrong is very rewarding

and very funny.

It's great.

It's great.

I like it.

That shame part is so like, I think of all the times I was really shamed into something and I always,

I don't want to say always, most of the time I learned a lesson from it.

Oh, I learned like, don't do that.

Yeah.

Don't do that.

Like all these guys now that complain about you can't hit on women or whatever.

You can't do this.

It goes, well, that's shame.

You got to learn how to not do it well.

I'm currently doing that.

Oh, yeah, because you're single now.

Yeah, yeah.

And not back out there.

And how the hell is that going?

This is a fun one.

This one just happened.

Yes.

This is fresh out the fucking oven.

This is fresh out the oven, dude.

So I'm trying, I'm not trying to do apps.

I want to grow as a person as far as hitting on women in public.

Seeing a woman you like.

Yeah, see a woman I like and approach them.

It is a nightmare.

It always has been.

Yes.

Because

what they don't tell you is

the worst isn't no.

The worst is, I have a boyfriend.

Yes.

And you're inappropriate for doing this.

And you go like,

no is a very nice treat compared to what else can happen.

So what just happened?

So

I'm trying to get better at it.

And any advice, please.

I hate going through shame, but I love watching people go through it.

I love sharing it after it's done.

But oh boy, oh boy, do I love watching spectators.

So,

America, it's time for me to go on the road.

I'm Dan Soder, and I'm heading out on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour.

That's right.

The greatest nickname I've ever received.

Thank you, Reddit.

I'm doing theaters across everywhere.

Everywhere you've been putting in comments, DMing me, sending me emails.

When are you coming to such and such city?

I'm coming to all of them.

The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour.

Throw a premise.

I'll chase that some bitch

I was at a coffee shop.

Beautiful woman comes in.

And I have a note.

You know, this is an obvious one.

They're reading a book.

Leave them alone.

Leave them alone.

And this woman comes in, red leather jacket.

Yeah.

And

pretty cool.

Come in San Diego.

And

she sits and she's reading.

I'm like, okay, can't talk to her.

Puts the book down.

There you go.

And I'm like, all right, we're fine.

And I'm in line and we make eye contact and I go, great jacket.

Love your jacket.

And she goes, oh, thanks.

And then I froze and just turned back into line.

That's not that bad.

It's not that bad.

If you would have had a stare and a smile

or a little bit more of that, because brother, you do two more steps, you might have got yourself.

in a way worse situation.

Well, she said thanks, but then there's like nowhere.

I don't know where to go after that.

I love there's murder

you think the cow was red anyway

you want coffee i'm in line

she goes thanks

and then recently uh peter wong is my best pal i know you've worked with peter peter's hilarious uh he uh and i were at a bar and he's like come on we're gonna approach these two women and i was like all right i'm trying to get out there and do it we go to these women.

You ever like, all right, I'm going to be truly myself.

Sure.

So I'm going to be the idiot I am with my friends.

No.

No, that is.

Yeah.

Well, now I know.

That's too much of how the sausage is made.

Yeah.

So exactly.

So she.

These two women, they're roommates.

And we're like talking to them.

And they're like, yeah, we're getting evicted.

Our landlord's crazy and a racist.

And I was like, ah, that's a shame.

I love a racist.

Like, and that's something that would make Peter Wong laugh very hard.

And he did.

She did not laugh.

And I go, oh, no, that's a, and she was like, you can't say that.

And I'm like, no, that's a bit.

Yeah, you go, you know what?

That's where you got to turn it on them and go, no, I don't like you anymore.

Yeah, I didn't like her anymore.

That's where you just got to get that confidence to go.

Ew to you.

Can't handle a joke.

Ew.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't miss that.

I mean, I'm grateful for Katie for for a lot of reasons.

Oh, of course.

But one of those things is that first approach where you just go, like,

hey, so

I was wondering if you, dude, I had one on the B train going downtown from Harold Square.

And it's, you know, one long, it goes Harold Square to West Forth.

I was going to the cellar and I'm like on the train.

There's a girl with a kid that she's clearly babysitting.

She's clearly babysitting them.

I'm like reading my book and I'm looking up and we're making eye contact and I smile and she smiles.

And I look back, I'm reading my book.

I look back up.

She looks at me.

I'm smiling.

She's smiling.

So I go,

I don't know.

We kind of have,

you know,

I'm going to do something about this.

Stops at West Forth.

She gets off the train.

I immediately get off the train and I go, hey, I was wondering if I could take you to lunch sometime or whatever.

She shields the kid behind her.

She shielded the child.

And she was like,

I have a boyfriend.

I'm sorry.

And then just walked up the steps.

And I just sat on the platform and let it cool off.

You should have went, I wasn't talking to you.

The kid.

You into dudes, bro?

Or are you just letting this one molest you?

She goes, I don't molest him.

And you go, yeah, right.

Her big hands make your door click diamonds.

I'll just suck you, little man.

And she's like, Jesus.

You go, we didn't have to go here.

You have a boyfriend.

We didn't have to go here.

We could have been in love.

Now I'm a pedophile.

That's how you change it.

You and I could have been in love.

Now I diddle kids, you selfish bitch.

She's like, Jesus Christ.

Her coming home, her boyfriend's like, hey, honey, how is work?

And she goes,

people in this city.

I think I turned a guy into a pedophile.

I need to lay down.

Would you get back on the apps?

The issue with, yes, but the issue is it makes me on my phone more.

It's so easy to like

if I feel like there's no stakes.

Yeah, and I it's the same with talking shit online.

People feel very brazen and very and then you meet up with them and you're like,

yeah, I'd rather

and even if nothing does come of like this in-person stuff, I do think it's making me grow as as a person that's like

like just doesn't know how to start conversations right, you know?

Yeah, but you don't want to get too good at it because then you're a problem.

If you're walking up, like, tying a cherry stem with your tongue, you're like, hello, ladies.

I got to tell you, we're going to be fine.

You know who used to be my favorite wingman?

Was Joe List?

I don't doubt that for a second.

He would always do this joke where there'd be, like, no matter how many there were of us, he'd go, three of you, three of us.

But he would always do that.

But sometimes.

It would work because you'd go, sorry for my asshole friend.

But that's why he was doing that.

Yeah.

He knew you were going to to take that shot, and then they'd be like, Yeah, you're right.

You gotta buy your beer.

All I'm doing is bits.

And if they laugh,

um, then I'm interested in talking to them more.

And if they don't, I'm like, all right, well, I wouldn't be interested even if nothing happened.

Yeah, I'd say act handicapped.

I say, act handicapped, fall in love with them, and then reveal you're not handicapped.

This always goes with me.

I'm like, sorry, I can't see.

I don't know what love is.

And then she sees you performing.

She goes, you're not deaf at all.

And you're like, I know.

I know.

But I wanted to make sure this was the right kind of love.

You heard how good I was doing too?

Yeah.

Oh, you could tell that I could hear.

Yeah, man.

I feel bad for anyone that's just out here constantly on the apps because it seems I tried

a couple apps, but the one that really annoyed me the most was match.com.

Oh, I refused

a college essay.

That's what I've heard.

You had to like put so much stuff in there.

Yeah.

And I did it, and I was like, this will be worth it.

And then the first couple of matches were just girls going, I bet I'm funnier than you are.

And you're like, well, I'm deleting this entire fucking promo.

I've been talking to the comics about this, and obviously it's the same on both sides.

Oh, women probably get it way more than we get it.

Female comics putting it.

I understand putting a shot of you doing stand-up to be like, hey, if this is a deal breaker, let's just talk about your dick.

Sometimes it's a good thing.

Yeah, female comics go, I'm just letting you know.

We fucked.

Yeah.

Probably going to be about seven minutes off.

Yeah.

Sometimes that starts a nickname that really does well for you.

But

yeah,

everybody has to bring up that you're a comic if you show that you're a comic in your app.

And I don't know.

Like, you would approach people.

Like, how would you, would you approach people?

I would, this is when I was drinking.

Yeah.

I don't think I approached.

The only time I

dated.

I met an ex-girlfriend while we were filming something, but it was never like, I didn't walk up to her.

There was already a situation where I could talk to her.

Other exes,

I'm trying to think since I've stopped drinking.

Yeah.

Because drinking makes everything.

Yeah, I'm not a big, I'm a, I'm a Caminos guy.

Okay.

So I'll, I'll, like, do that.

Yeah.

And then, and that's it.

Like,

I saw, I clocked them.

I was like, oh, that's what I, those are the kind of sours, little gummies.

Gummies are great.

That's pretty my point.

I don't think I'll ever do this as a stand-up bit, but I wrote this down.

Regular gummies, what are you doing?

No one cares, you fucking dorks.

Yeah.

You're going like, oh, it's like, I told Katie, it's like giving someone a glass of tonic.

You go, I don't want this.

Put gin in it.

Yeah, you have sour patch.

You're like, two hours from now, this is going to be great.

Oh, God, I'm about to meet dad again.

And you go, nothing.

Huh?

Just a sugary buzz.

Because I like,

gummies, I just, yeah, but I get edibles are terrible for meeting women.

Yeah, weed in general is terrible for meeting women.

I didn't want to drink a lot my freshman year of college.

So I, I mean, I smoked the same amount of weed I smoke now, but horrible for meeting women.

Horrible.

Yeah.

Because you're just high and then you're like, you notice stuff about them.

You're like, do your teeth always click when you chew?

And they go, yeah.

And you go, I'm out.

But if you're drinking, you're like, you got teeth?

Yeah.

That's fucking cool.

Come here, kiss me.

Hi.

You're like, what am am i gonna date a woman with eyelids i'm not gonna do you know like

weirdo

drinking was all ultimately the thing that

was how i met women i'd get drunk and just walk up and be like hey how you doing yeah and sometimes you'd stumble into something oftentimes you'd stumble into something horrible yeah because you're drinking you're you're drunk and you're misreading it and you're like this girl is fun

And dates, like, I've been on a couple and it is drinks.

And I'm not a big drinker.

How long were you in the relationship for?

Seven years.

Wow.

Coming out of that.

What date was the worst so far?

Like a date where you just go, do you hit a moment where you go, like, like, is it too soon after the breakup?

Is the connection wrong?

Where you just have a moment where you're sitting there and you go, like, what are we doing?

There are times.

Yeah, I can't, there was one, like one of the...

earlier ones where it was real this is what stinks the

I had a great date where I'm like I'm a good hang so I'm like I can handle that and

we have a good time it go it goes well and

even like lasts longer than we both said we would be able to go out yeah and then

ends so good where I'm like well this

the kids still got it yeah and then the next day the the text you get the oh and I've got the long text I've gotten a couple times now.

Well, you see how long it is, and you go, I go, This is gonna end with let's go out again.

Yeah,

come over and fuck me right now.

So, these are all the reasons I need you to get over here right fucking now.

You know, when it starts with, you're a great guy, it ends with get over here, or yeah, or

I just want to tell you how much fun I had last night, yeah,

and I can't wait to do it again.

Oh,

god damn it!

Do me a favor.

Stop telling me how great I am.

Dude, I went on a date and

the girl started talking about comedy, but her opinions of comedy made me feel like I was.

Oh, they didn't know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then the waitress came up and talked about a bar show that I had been on with a couple of other comics, like listening to a couple of people that I love.

And the waitress was like rock and roll kind of type or whatever, very cute.

And it's so funny when you go, you sit down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You bring me luck.

You're trying to do the Seinfeld switch.

Dude, I don't want yeah

this one's awesome that girl's like have you ever seen this guy he's hilarious and you're like he sucks and then this girl's like oh my god i went to boxcar and it was like you list and nick mullen and stavros and you guys all murdered and you're like sit down

you're up

and then it was and it was like again another long text where she's like i had so much fun at our lunch date Damn, dude.

There's always something.

It's always something where they'll blow it somehow or you'll blow it and you'll be like, fuck.

The mentioning of who they like as a comic actually does tell you a lot.

Dude, it would make me so mad.

Yeah.

And there have been times where I'm like, not only do I love that you love this person, we could go see them two nights.

I can hit them up and they can meet us here.

I mean, Katie's taste in comedy is impeccable.

So it was awesome when we started dating.

And I was like, what about?

And she's like, I love that guy.

I was like, you want to go see it?

She was like, yeah.

Oh.

And it was just like, that's the dream.

She was like so stoked that we got to go see Nate at Town Hall.

She's like, you can get me in to see Nate.

I was like, I fucking hope so.

And then we went to the bottom.

That's a bigger problem for me if we can get it in there.

But I've had it.

I've dated girls that don't get it.

And you're like, oh, you don't.

Or they'll like say who their favorite comic is.

And you're like,

yeah.

An ex of mine one time was like, I was watching this guy on Netflix and I was like, don't say it.

Don't say it.

She's like, Chris Dalia?

And you're like, oh, no.

That's what I pictured when you said hilarious earlier.

Yeah, you go, oh, she's got a hot girl brain.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

And then in my head, I went, just wait.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, it's funny now to go, all right.

Yeah, he ain't coming up now.

I think you're a little too old for it.

I think you're a little too old and a little too independent for it.

But it does.

It's like, and he's a nice guy, but it does, you want, whoever you date, you want them to have a similar sense of humor as you.

Big time.

I feel like it'd be tough if you're a woman and you're dating a guy and they were like, the guy is like, like a cometown super fan, or like even me, if you're like too big of a fan of me, and they're like, I don't know.

Interesting.

I wouldn't be mad if someone was like.

Look, at the risk of sounding like I'm blowing smoke, if I went on a date with a woman and she was a fan of you, I'd be like, this is great.

I just

got some kids somewhere.

Check that history.

I don't think this is, we're not getting a girl fresh out of college.

That's a woman that's lived life.

She says, you're like,

Dan Soder.

He's like a scar on a knuckle.

That's amazing.

It just makes you feel good.

And you go, Jesus Christ.

That's so good.

Because I don't fall all of hot girls sometimes

or women in general and guys will sometimes like shittier stuff and you can get them to like better stuff.

Yeah, that's not always out of the realm of possibility.

That's actually very fun to do.

Yeah, go like, you've never heard this person?

Yeah, you like this person.

Yeah.

Because then you see them become a fan.

Then it's awesome.

I've always done that with music.

I've had exes that were great with that with music.

Where they'd be like, oh, you never heard this band.

You should listen to this band.

And then that's a connection where you go, like, that's incredible.

With Katie, we share, like, I'll get into something.

I'll play it for her.

Maybe she's into it.

Maybe she's not.

But then you get into it.

You're like, fucking, all right, awesome.

Now I have a new favorite band.

Yeah.

But man, when they say something you hate, you're like, oh,

yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

With

movies, too.

I'm a big, like, Ace Ventura, Dumb and Dumber guy.

Yeah.

Have you had women say they don't like it?

Yeah.

Who doesn't like Dumb and Dumber?

You know, women.

Yeah.

I get it if it's like an artsy flick that's like a little deep and you don't get it.

I understand I like that.

But when you're like, that's a classic.

Yeah.

Now I'm fine with you not knowing it.

Yeah.

Totally fine with that.

And I won't even do the, let's go watch it together.

I'll go watch it and let me know what you think.

Too much pressure watching someone watch something.

I will not make anyone sit through that.

I've also, here's another why I'm a hero as a single man.

Yeah.

I started learning guitar and I refuse to play for a woman.

I will never play for a woman.

What date?

What date did I start?

What date would you show her you play the guitar?

Because eventually she'd have to see it.

You walk in and the axe is in the corner of the room.

You go, what do you do?

I think during her second trimester, I would start.

Sing to the baby.

I'm going to sing to the baby.

She goes, you sing?

Do I?

That's where you pull the pick out of the neck.

You go,

a little treat for you.

Because

I went to college at the birth of Facebook.

I was in college for the birth of Facebook, basically for like the birth of online.

So there was no hive mind.

No one, not everyone knew that the guy pulled out the guitar and did Wonder Wall.

Yeah.

I just hated him.

Yeah.

And then you find out other people do it.

And my friend,

Kevin Sullivan Sully He lives in England now.

He's a fucking phenomenal guitar player.

Did the music for my Comedy Central special

special?

Like, that's how talented he is.

He was like, we couldn't get cleared a song.

He's like, I'll just make a song that sounds like it.

And he did it.

It's like that kind of musical talent, kind of like Kevi, how fucking musically talented.

He is.

But my friend, he never tried to get pussy with it.

He would just play in his room and you'd walk in and you'd be like, oh, you're like a virtuoso.

That's why he's good.

And he'd be like, yeah.

And he'd just like play.

And I'd be like, can you play this?

And he'd be like,

just on an acoustic guitar.

Yeah.

And then one time we did mushrooms.

It's my freshman year of college.

And we were walking around the Arizona Mall at the University of Arizona.

It's called the Mall, but it's just like this long strip, very high on mushrooms.

I started freaking out.

And so I went back to my dorm room and I was just laying, I had like a, my desk and then the bed over the desk.

So I crawl on my bed and I'm just like laying staring at the ceiling.

And then I hear Sully knock on my door and he goes, hey man, what are you doing?

And I was like, I'm just tripping on mushrooms.

And he goes, that's awesome.

You want me to pull my amp in here and jam?

And I was like, that would be so sick.

And he just brought his guitar and it was just like, dude, one of the greatest moments of my college career history was just laying in my fucking bed being like, I am tripping nuts.

And I would just like yell out a song.

I'd be like, can you do scar tissue by red hot chili peppers?

And you just start playing it.

And I'd be like, what about Zeppelin Black Dog?

You just started playing any song I yelled out.

It was fucking awesome.

Dude.

Great trip.

That's amazing.

Also, that was the trip that I learned to not look into mirrors on mushrooms because you age you're aging very fast in real time i've only i took them since the breakup i took i had to go ego death yeah i'm due for one yeah how much did you take uh

i don't know how much i took a comedian friend of mine uh

trips at me and he goes this is how much you're gonna take oh that's what you need you got a sherpa yeah And

he told me everything I had to do.

He's like, eat at this time.

Yeah.

Do this, do this, do this.

I'll give you a launch schedule.

A lot of times people just tell you, like, we're going to throw you up in the air.

Here's what you shouldn't do.

Drink milk if you want to come down.

Drink orange juice if you want to go higher up.

Oh, really?

That was like the old wives' tale that I heard because

milk coats your stomach.

Sure.

So it'll take out the psilocybin spores that are like in it.

But again, I'm not.

Someone online can be like, that's not true at all.

And I'll be like, yeah, you're probably right.

Right.

But I've had to hit the milk a couple of times where you're just absolutely flying high and you go, this is too much.

I've had to hit the milk is a great expression.

Chug a glass of milk and then an hour later, you're like, I'm okay.

Yeah.

I'm shelled back up.

I'm not.

It is.

Mushrooms are.

I think everyone should have to do three grams of mushrooms once in their life.

Just sit there and do it.

I think I'm going to do it once a year, maybe.

It's great.

I'm due.

I haven't done it since 2018, 2019.

Oh, my mode.

Yeah.

What do you think about the once-a-year thing I just said?

I love it.

I used to do that.

Is that fantastic?

That's great.

Fuck it.

I'm going to make this promise on this podcast and then I'll just do it.

We've been talking for years about me and Ari Shafir getting a cabin with Mike Vecchione, but Vecchione did mushrooms already without me.

But I think it's time we do a...

You do mushrooms with Ari,

you do mushrooms.

And it is.

Yeah, that sounds terrible.

That's the Sherpa, dude.

Yeah.

Ari is the Sherpa.

He'll lead you up the mountain and he'll lead you back down again.

I've done

the hardest drugs I've ever done have been with Ari Shafir, and they've always been a good experience.

I believe that he's got your back in that situation, but I also believe it's probably more intense than anything I've ever.

It is the exact same as I felt when Billions hired a stunt coordinator for our boxing scene.

And it was the most intense man I've ever met in my life where he's like, I will keep you safe.

Here is what's going to happen.

And you're like,

fake fight.

We just have to throw fake punches.

He's like, that's not, but like that kind of stunt energy where they're like, you will get hit hard.

It will hurt.

You will be okay.

And you're like, oh, my God.

But it was like,

mushrooms are an incredible experience.

I'm very glad I did.

I've always wanted to.

Where did you do them?

At your place?

At my place.

Did you go outside?

I didn't.

You stayed inside.

I stayed inside.

Cold move.

Tough thing to be kenneled up.

Yeah.

I'm looking at Pimp because I know Pimp does mushrooms.

You could never, you got to go outside.

That's what I heard, but I was afraid to go outside.

i like i was afraid to do too much more than what i was already doing yeah the fear is part of it though yeah i the fear and being outside and realizing we're all an organism just one giant organism i reached that inside i will say well i have cats so that when like they were around

like i mean we were

yeah oh yeah did they treat you different the next day

Do they like, are they in the morning like, hey, you still fucked up?

You were weird as fuck, dude.

Start licking their ass.

All right.

Yeah, because I wonder how Myrtle would be if I was tripping my ass off.

I was like, Myrtle, I love you.

And she'd be like, yeah, I love you too.

What is this?

But I do love doing mushrooms.

Yeah, I'm going to do mushrooms again.

It was

an amazing experience.

I really love that I'm doing it.

It's very fun.

The best part of mushrooms is the coming down.

Because you have the lessons, you're not scared, and you just kind of get to enjoy.

I've always used the analogy that it is the exact same as one of those launchers at the carnival, you know, where they strap you into those seats and they pull you down and they go, one, two, bang!

You get launched, and you're like, ah, yeah.

But then you're up there and then you're like, oh, cool.

And you go down and then you come back up.

You're like, ah, yes.

Oh, fuck.

That's awesome.

And then you're like, by the fourth, like bounce, you're like, oh, that's what that looks like.

Oh, look, I could see that over there.

Yeah.

And then you come back down and you're like, that was a fun fucking ride.

It's such an informative ride and really great.

And like, I always always knew I was going to do them.

And a breakup's a good time to do it.

Absolutely.

I was like, sheds in the skin.

Here's my skin.

Yes, exactly.

I'm like, here's my time to do it.

And it was really informational and great.

You didn't have the feeling of reaching out, did you?

Okay, good.

Because when you're high on mushrooms, you're like, I got something to say.

I just figured out what I would say.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Yeah.

Isn't it crazy how hard it is to text on mushrooms?

I hid my phone from me.

Great.

Have you ever tried to text on mushrooms?

It is hard, dude.

You get on there and you're like...

Is it like all like...

It's just the light is fucked up.

Yeah.

It's not.

Texting now, you're like, and you put it down on mushrooms.

You're like, I got to find the letter.

Sorry for telling the story again, but it is appropriate for the situation.

In 2018, I went and saw...

Queens of the Stone Age in Sweden and then found out that Pearl Jam was playing in Amsterdam like three days later.

And my friend Mike and I were taking a week vacation to do um sweden amsterdam iceland those we wanted to go to the whitest places on earth and we did um

but they don't have mushrooms in amsterdam they have truffles which are different

they are different okay

and i went and bought a dose for one which is there's no way there's a dose for one guy but i bought truffles

And we were going to the arena.

That's where Pearl Jam was.

And so I ate three-fourths of it and my friend ate a fourth of it.

And I was like, I've done mushrooms.

I was too cocky.

That was the problem.

If you're ever too cocky with drugs, it's like we were talking about.

If you get cocky with something, you're about to get shown up.

You're about to be like, like a shift at a restaurant.

Yeah, yeah.

Fucking whatever.

You're too cocky.

You're about to get earholed.

So I was like, I was like, it's fine, dude.

I'll eat this and then I'll be fine.

And I ate it in line while we were going into the arena because I knew they were going to check me.

So we get through and faster than any mushrooms i've ever taken it started hitting me and it started hitting me hard to the point that we were waiting europe doesn't have openers for bands bands just go okay so you go see pearl jam you're just seeing pearl jam on time yes like they start you're not seeing like an opening band you're not going to see like band of horses then pearl jam you're just going to see pearl jam i didn't know that so i'm like the lights are on and i'm like we still got time and i'm starting to have heavy visuals like heavy heavy visuals which i never get on mushrooms.

And I'm like,

okay.

And Mike Foo, for those bonfire fans who remember him,

beret and what would they call him?

Fart box and beret, but my friend Foo Jack, one of my best friends, I look at him and I go, are you feeling okay?

And he goes, feeling great.

And then I'm like tripping and I go.

You sure you feeling all right?

And later he told me that's what flipped him.

Because then he goes, am I feeling all right?

And then he's like, I don't think I'm feeling all right so uh there's a smoking room at this arena yeah uh but it's all metal in a fucked up way if you live in amsterdam or been to amsterdam been to this arena you know what i'm talking about it's all metal sounds and the way that the acoustics of sounds on mushrooms are very important you hear things different so i walk into this fucking room and it's like

it's always Dutch and English.

And so I'm just like tripping out and I'm like, I gotta get the fuck out of here.

So I get a water and a a Heineken Zero, but they're in cups.

And I'm walking into the arena to go meet up with Lou, my friend Lou and his friend Amanda, who are where we were standing.

Sure.

Fujack

is in the smoking section.

So I just go in by myself and the lights, they're playing Queens of the Stone Age if I had a tale.

Favorite band, great song, what an omen.

I'm walking in and the lights go off and I go like, oh.

And then it's just like whispering and I'm going like, excuse me, and no one's moving.

I'm going like, excuse me.

And they're like mad at me.

They're like, get out of here.

And I'm like,

I'm tripping now.

I'm like full-on tripping.

And it's like the beer is splashing on me, water splashing on other people.

They're going like, oh, that's yeah.

And they're speaking in Dutch.

Like, oh, oh, sorry.

And I'm just like, I don't know.

I don't know.

Excuse me.

And I'm like trying to get through.

And at one point, these two people won't move.

And I'm like, excuse me, excuse me.

And then I look at this woman.

She looks at at me.

I go, I can't find my friend.

And she goes, I was just bad about it.

Or whatever the fuck she said.

And I go,

I don't know.

And I just gave up.

And I just walked to the back of the arena and was tripping my ass off.

And I, that's when

I was texting.

And I texted Lou, I'm in the very back, couldn't get to you, tripping too hard.

Just sent a text, not knowing if it's going to go through.

And then I'm just standing there.

And then Foo Jack,

I see him start walking.

So I start going, foo,

foo.

I told this story recently because someone DM'd me and was like, that means something in Holland.

That's like a bad thing to say out loud.

So I'm just yelling this thing like, foo.

And people are like,

I grabbed my friend.

And then I see him and his eyes are like this.

And we just sat there and watched Pearl Jack.

And then Lou came back with his friend.

Wow.

But I was, that was like a hard trip because I was like, I was so lost.

And that was my, I'll never, I'm never doing mushrooms at a concert again.

Yeah.

Concerts are tough.

They're too tough.

I got to be outside.

I got to be away from.

I'm too old.

Concerts, anedible, you know, whatever.

An edible I can do.

Mushrooms,

what's that?

Foo in Dutch, I guess?

In Dutch language, foo is not a common or standard word.

The closest word is for or fooi, which means tip in the context of giving a gratuity.

After a, well, that's not true at all, though.

That can't, yeah.

That can't be.

And I'm giving gratuity.

They're like, why do I want gratuity?

In the Netherlands, foo or F slash U is commonly used as an abbreviation for follow-up.

It's often seen in emails or other digital.

I mean, that's so funny.

They're like, I do not need to follow up with you.

What am I following up for?

And I'm like, I just want to go home.

But as fast, I will say this about truffles.

As fast as I went up, I came down just as fast.

Oh, that's good.

By the end of the night, I was fine.

And usually on mushrooms, did you have the moment where you had to like sit with it and wear it?

And then like the next day, be like, am I back?

Yeah, a lot of that.

The first thing I did whenever, when two people shepherd me or Sherpa,

and as soon as I left, I cleaned my whole apartment sobbing.

That's good.

That's a breakthrough.

Yeah.

That's a good breakthrough.

And then you wake up the next day and you go, got the rest of my life.

Yeah.

Got the rest of my life in front of me.

Yeah.

And I wasn't even thinking of anything to trigger the sob.

Yeah.

I think it was just like uh try to get out yeah you just open the door dude yeah stuff comes out when you open the door it was beautiful yeah it was really great oh my god I want to do mushrooms this whole conversation I'm like I might trip my balls off soon

and just get absolutely like pie-eyed and being like yeah oh it's me that's how I always end my trips I go like I'm the problem oh yeah I mean, that's my goal was to be like, all right, let's look at, let's look this way and stop looking that way.

Well, you know, they used to use MDMA for

terminally ill AIDS patients.

Like, that's what ecstasy was originally for.

They'd give MDMA to people that were terminal, either with cancer or with AIDS.

And they would do it under the guise of a therapist.

And a therapist would like.

give people MDMA to be with their families so they could properly express themselves before they died.

Wow.

And also the family would take MDMA in order to like receive.

And like they would do like, this was a big practice in the, I think, look it up in the late 80s when AIDS was like ripping through motherfuckers.

They were like, do a little ecstasy.

And he goes, honey, how do you think I got here?

He goes, Bitch, if I would have not taken this in the bathhouse, we wouldn't have to have this little fucking sad meeting.

This is the funniest thing.

He goes, Oh, I know this.

What is this?

Nike?

I don't do Nike.

I got holes in my brain.

Just an old, just a bathhouse legend.

He's still sassy.

Yeah.

He goes, Oh, I wish.

The serotonin is drained.

Bitch,

I got Swiss cheese brain.

Good luck getting me to do that.

But I had never done, have you ever done MDMA?

No.

Have you ever done it, pimp?

Brother,

people at home, people that have done it at home, if you've ever done pure MDMA,

the only drug I can think that's better than it is propofol.

I keep hearing about propofol because of surgery and what

you've done.

It's the best.

I just had a colonoscopy.

I had a dual colonoscopy and endoscopy.

Yeah, I got fucking, I got spit roasted by my mom.

They were doing it at the same time?

No,

they high-fived.

Yeah, they do the colonoscopy.

They wipe it off on their gene and then they throw it down your throat.

They go, well, I'm just going to give them hepe.

I get the wrong order.

Oh, you're supposed to do endo.

Oh, I turned this upside down.

Oh, this chart's reversed.

I got a shit mustache because he fucking jammed it.

Now they clear you out on that colonoscopy.

You just get fucking, you get jelly shits by the end of it.

It's crazy.

They tell you to drink this drink and it's like, it'll clear you out.

And you go, no, well, then you drink it and you go,

like within 15 minutes, you're just shitting everything out.

But

they gave me propofol for that.

Please.

I took the rest of the day off because I just wanted to enjoy the propofol high.

Oh, my.

Because you wake up and you're like.

It's the best.

It's what Michael Jackson died of.

Yeah.

It's what his doctor was giving him.

And you get it.

If you're the fucking king of pop, take some propofol.

Yeah.

Because it helps you sleep.

And brother, does it help you sleep.

But outside of propofol,

this pure MDMA that Ari got us at, the Sherpa got us at Bonnaroo 2016 was like

possibly the best drug experience I've ever had in my life.

Man.

We took it.

Saw LCD sound system

and it was just pure MDMA.

It was like to the point that I had, I don't think I've ever felt love like that.

Like I was turning to people that were there being like, I've never felt this good.

Like I was like telling people that.

Like the warmth in my chest is so good.

And people are like, watch out.

You're going to be really sad the next day.

I woke up.

I was like, I was fucking rad.

You didn't crash.

I didn't crash.

I woke up the next day.

Now we did it again the second night with mushrooms and it was not good.

It was that was a lot.

If I hear him say, oh God.

Yeah,

it was bad.

It was bad.

In fact, Pimp and I were talking about, that was the episode of,

you know what, dude, in Bonfire, I did.

That wasn't the same trip.

That was me trying to get back what we did on that trip where I was like, all right, let's do MDMA again.

And then he got it from not a reliable source, cut with speed, and then you're up for two days and you're fucking tweaking.

It sucks.

But pure MDMA,

there's a reason they're giving it to 80s, AIDS patients in the 80s because you do, you like relate.

You got to let it out, dude.

We're all bunched up.

Everyone's bunched up.

I completely agree with that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mushrooms is probably as far as I'll go.

Smart.

But

it's wonderful.

It is great.

Yeah.

And now it's getting legalized in states and stuff.

And people need to take it because it humbles you greatly.

Love being humbled.

Love feeling connected to other people.

Love removing the center of the universe, feeling the ego death, all that.

Lovely.

Well, you go like, oh, it really is.

I kept, the first time I did mushrooms, it was one of the first times I did it.

I kept thinking of the Bill Hicks joke where he said, we're just a virus in shoes.

Wow.

And I was like, yeah, that's a, and then you're wondering, then he's got a great bit about him and his friends doing mushrooms and driving in his dad's car.

And they left the door open and it was one of those 80s cars that would say stuff.

And it would keep saying, the door is ajar.

The door is ajar.

And I always laugh at that joke because he's like, the door can't be a jar.

It's not a jar.

It's a a door I think of you whenever I hear uh and I think you'll know what this is from

Regan's cannonball wound

did you yeah

because uh

there was a thing for Regan where comics were asked to say their favorite Regan bits oh yeah and you were quoted for that one I love that one yeah he goes don't stand in front of a cannon how true how true that is

did you not do the thing I told you to do he goes I didn't do anything with it but just when he acts it out where he goes, here's an ointment.

He goes, Yeah.

He does the entire hole.

It's great.

It's amazing.

He goes, oh, okay.

I Walked on the Moon, top three hours of stand-up ever done.

I completely agree.

You know, obviously, I still get to work with him very

fucking me.

He's the best.

A lot of people say Brian Regan Live.

I think.

I Walked on the Moon is my favorite.

I Walked on the Moon makes me still laugh the same as it did the first time I heard it.

Yeah.

Every time I watch it.

Yeah.

He just keeps all your food cold for 800.

Yeah.

And he goes, have a good fly.

Yeah, you too, whenever you're flying again.

It's like that.

I think about that every time I'm in a cab.

Yeah.

Like those are those are those bits where you're like, this is such a good bit.

He opens with an eight-minute bit, the emergency room bit.

It's so good.

Yeah.

It's so say 10.

Say eight.

Oh, yeah.

He goes, I say that at eight.

Where he goes, the pain threshold.

He goes, they say that eight is a broken femur.

He goes, who's over here from the femur ward walking around going,

he's doing this scream.

Sebast, go watch Brian Regan.

Watch Steven's special.

But then watch Brian Regan.

I walked on.

Definitely watch mine before you watch his.

But then,

then I watch.

And that was done at an improv.

What?

Irvine improv.

Really?

I think the old one.

Yeah, okay.

Not the new.

The new one's giant.

Yeah.

Well, I'm pretty sure it's the Irvine Improv, and i i've talked to him about the special a lot does he get annoyed with it the way a tell gets annoyed when you bring up skanks for the memories i don't think so i've i've talked to a tell about skanks for the memories and a couple times he's like okay yeah you're like i just really love what you did this trail caught it yeah being a comic that's also a comedy nerd can be dangerous for the hang it's very dangerous for the hang uh i had thankfully i've had good comedians like break that to me gently who did it list is one of them What do you say to you?

I would be fanny.

List said that to you?

I would be fanny to List.

And he goes, hey, we're friends.

He's like, you're not, I'm not, because I'd be like, hey, thanks for like, I'd like thank him for hanging with me.

Well, I'm like, you know, because I'm.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

And List is like,

Joe, just give me one of these.

What?

Yeah.

The classic Joe List.

What?

I've never seen anyone do that face but him, so that was beautiful.

I've been, he's just done it to me so much.

No, I.

Well, you'll say something to Joe, I go, what?

And then you go, ah, fuck.

That's how you know you're in trouble with lists.

You go, oh, no.

Did I say something I shouldn't have said?

Yeah.

What?

We were in Vermont and

I

hung out with him and Sarah.

Yeah.

And I was like, hey guys, thanks for hanging.

And Joe goes, we're friends.

You got to stop doing that.

Yeah.

That's right.

And I'm like, oh, that's a good way of saying that.

Yeah.

And it was like, oh, okay.

The balance of you, because I'm never trying to be like, like me by complimenting you.

I'm never complimenting a comic for them to like me.

Sure.

I want a lot of comics do.

100%.

There's people do in every business.

Yes.

There's people in every line of work where they're sucking ass to get ahead instead of being 100% sincere.

And as someone that doesn't get complimented a lot, I can tell the difference.

But like, it's

always just because I'm a huge fan of the game.

Yeah.

So I'm like, I want you to know I I see what you're doing and I'm a fan of it.

But then you do have to know the levels.

Colin Quinn helped me tame mine.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I was opening for him in, I think it was like Binghamton, New York.

We were long drive and we got into the car and he goes, I don't want to hear any of these stupid fucking comedy questions.

I'm working on these bits.

It was when he was working on Unconstitutional.

Whoa.

Which is a fantastic hour.

Yeah.

Very appropriate now.

But he's like going through his notes.

He's like literally talking about the Constitution.

And I asked a couple questions already.

And we get in the car and he goes, I don't want to hear any of your comedy questions.

I got to fucking learn this stupid fucking document.

You know, just like being Colin.

And then I remember exactly the motion.

We were like two hours into the drive and he has his legal pad and he just throws it onto the dash and he goes,

All right, what do you want to know?

And I was like, okay,

you started with Chris Rock and Adam Saylor, 1984.

What was that like?

And then he slowly, through the conversation, was kind of like, don't do this.

Like, be a fan of comedy, but don't be too big of a fan of comedy.

He did it in a very polite, awesome Colin way of doing it.

But he said something that'll always stick with me.

He was like, your generation's doomed.

You guys know everything that happened.

So you're comparing yourselves against every joke because you've known every joke that's been written.

So you're not letting yourself get there

organically.

You're stopping yourself because Seinfeld did a similar bit in 1985 that you should not know exists.

And I'm like, oh, fuck.

And when he said that to me, I was like very sobering to be like, yeah, maybe I am gripped too tight on this.

100%.

I feel like

I'm a victim of it.

We're all like victims of it of like this hustle comedies.

everything mentality where it's like, well, that's actually hurting me.

Yeah.

It's holding you back.

Yeah, it's holding me back by not absorbing everything everything else that isn't comedy in order to make comedy to turn it into comedy yeah it is jesse spano on caffeine pills yeah

you're like i'm so excited i'm so excited i'm so scared and then you go that's what comedy is you just fucking you get to do it but you have a phenomenal special out now on youtube yes watch it we'll put the link below in the description follow steven he's fucking hilarious and that's not just me saying it joe list says that all the comics that i love love steven Check out his new hour special directed by Homeless Pimp.

So it's an in-house.

It's all on the same team, baby.

That's right.

So check it out.

Stephen Rogers, you're fucking hilarious.

Thank you for coming by.

Thank you for having me.

And I hope you find a lady in real life, not on those dastardly apps.

DM me, ladies.

He's got a big Schwanz.

Do it.

His ex even said it.

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