82: We’re Adults with Kelsey Cook & Chad Daniels | Soder Podcast | EP 80

May 29th through May 31st, Appleton, Wisconsin at Skyline Comedy Club.

America, it's time for me to go on the road.

I'm Dan Soder, and I'm heading out on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour.

That's right, the greatest nickname I've ever received.

Thank you, Reddit.

I'm doing theaters across everywhere.

Everywhere you've been putting in the comments, DMing me, sending me emails.

When are you coming to such and such city?

I'm coming to all of them.

The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour.

Throw a premise.

I'll chase that that some bitch down.

First off, I don't do introductions.

My fans are mad.

I don't do introductions.

Kelsey Cook and Chad Daniels.

Pretend problem podcasts.

Two phenomenal stand-up comedians.

Go watch their specials.

It's the closest to a real intro you're going to get out of me.

Thank you.

I'm obsessed with people dying in the wheel wells of airplanes.

It's happening a lot and being reported on.

People are hiding in the wheel wells of like United flights and dying.

Okay.

To come to America?

In America, to another city.

From one city to another.

I think one of them was

to Florida, from, I think, New Jersey or New York.

Yeah, of course.

One of them is always going to be in Florida.

But there were like, I think, three different news stories.

And

it's how I feel about Hawk to a meme coin, where it's like, if you try that and you die, you deserve to die.

Because I don't think why you would watch an action movie and think that's going to work.

The tire's just, the landing gear just goes into its own compartment in the plane.

Yeah, it's a fucking mission impossible.

You're not Tom Cruise.

What are you doing?

But that's what I mean is those are the people that should die.

The last three of them, what they all said was, I'll text you when I get there.

I promise you that.

And

promise me this will work.

That was one of them.

You swear?

Yeah.

I promise you this will work.

Like a guy getting mad at his girlfriend for her going like, you can't hide in the wheel well.

And he's like, oh my god, you're so fucking dumb.

She's diehard too.

How do you think he gets on the fucking, you know?

And she's like,

what?

All right.

So they're just like sneaking out.

They're like getting in, they're getting in the wheel, right?

And then it's going up into the thing.

And then when they're landing, they're like, hey, we got a body here.

But what also make me think is if it's on the wheel, you know, we all fly every weekend.

You know, when you're landing, you hear the landing gear come out?

Like as you're approaching?

That's what they do.

Like when you drop below 10,000 feet.

Yeah.

And then it just, but just having that body just tumble out onto like someone playing baseball with like, hey, Chris, go on.

And it's just like, swag.

It's just like a fucking guy who's like, this is going to work.

I'm going to hide in the wheel.

He's just a body in a fucking outfield.

And if you grew up in the 80s, your first thought is, check him for a note.

Yeah, dude, that's so funny.

It's got to be a note on him.

It's got to be, he's either Russian or is a note.

Everything was involved with the Russians in the 80s.

Imagine, though, that I'm going to look up.

I want to know where they went.

The land ears coming up.

Yeah.

You just go, my hand's squishing.

My arm is squishing.

And it just keeps going all the way.

Like zoinks.

As your eyes fucking pop out of your head.

Yeah, dude.

Horrific.

And there's like, and here's the thing: if it was like one,

you go,

what a little rascal.

But when it's like three, yeah, the jet blue, and this was, oh, my God.

There was another one.

I was looking at these in January.

There was just one.

This is from the Palm Beach Post.

Bodies found in JetBlue Wheelwell after Florida landing identified as two teens.

Teens, I see, believe in it.

Yeah, yeah, that's sad.

The two identified, I'm not going to give their names.

There's no reason to do that, but they were 18 and 16.

Can you give their first names yeah jeck and elvis absolutely elvis has left the wheel well really

just goes flop blah blah i'm called in a trap

they were two teenagers from the dominican republic from the dr

uh the bodies were in the jet blue wheel well were identified monday april 7th that's like

so i'm going to say something

if

if they're coming from somewhere else to get to America understandable, it's a that's a lot less comedy for me.

Yes, if they are like dude

I'm gonna go to Nashville in the wheel.

Yes, that is then funny to me because it's like no, you're not.

I think what you're getting at is if they're white, it's hilarious.

If they're not white, you go no, no, no, no, no, are they coming for a better life?

Non-whites in America count.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, you're here, right?

You're right.

I want to see a passport.

They find their passport and they go, okay, we can laugh at this.

Yeah.

Guys, he's from Steubensville.

We can make fun of this.

Guys, we're all hot.

We got it.

We got one.

So there was a couple in January, January 8th,

twice.

Yeah, this is the story about it.

It's from the AP News either.

So that's like the hard.

I miss just reading stuff and going, like, this is true.

Because now I really like this.

Now you got to become a little fucking investigative journalist when you're like, hey, I heard a guy got hit by a truck.

And they go, did he?

And you go, I don't know.

Yeah.

I genuinely don't know.

Why am I the only one thinking critically?

It's too much work.

I don't want to do it.

So there was two in January.

A plane was taxiing in Boston.

Oh, that dude.

Yeah.

There's like...

Did you even make it through taxiing?

No, they said that they found two stowaways were arrested.

Oh, so they survived.

Oh.

These are stowaways.

So one of them it worked.

Damn, this is happening a lot more.

I'm going to ask Delta if I can check the tire wells next time I'm flying.

I go, hey, I'm diamond.

Can I get down there, poke around a little bit?

I think I saw the guy from billions under the plane.

Hey, get out of here.

That's a great story, though.

You're like, oh, your plane had bird strike?

Oh,

we had a 16-year-old Ecuadorian.

He had a bomb.

So he might have happened.

That's what's as you travel more.

I think if I were to have been on a plane 15 years ago and that would have happened, I'd be like, what an exciting adventure.

But now I'd be like, I've got to get to the hotel so I can nap before the show.

Like that inconvenience happening.

You'd be like, I'm doing stuff.

Remember in the olden days when you just hopped a train and you had to like let the first guy in there have sex with you

so you could get to where you're going?

Now it's like, you got to hop in a wheelware?

wheelware remember how we talked before the show about things that we wouldn't share that you did in your past yeah no no no i was just saying like what if

dude finding out chad's road life began riding the rails yeah you just go i dude a lot of people i would love to tell that story when i'm not with chad and i go did you guys know that chad daniel is like a hobo boxing champion they go what like damn dude when you started you like ride the rails it was like pretty risky because i would my favorite thing is you used to tell people comics were emancipated from their families.

Just like randomly going,

it's a joke I've done for a while, but it doesn't lose that funny if you go, it was always Michelle Wolfe.

I go, you know, Michelle Wolfe was like emancipated from her family when she was like 16.

People go, what?

And even

if they know it's a joke, there's a part of them that goes like, why?

Why would you say that?

My new favorite thing is when someone's talking to stand behind him and go

right there just to devalue someone immediately what they're saying it's hilarious amazing yeah you're making it fun on the you're doing your own little bits yeah dude that's what i that's

that's the fine line between fun and annoying is like finding out when a bit is annoying people and you go like this is just for me i gotta pack this one up do you pack it up or do you double down

depends on the victim okay yeah depends on

If it's annoying someone, I'll double down because then it's going to become funny.

But if it's like a passive, if it's a disinterest,

you just drop it.

Oh, disinterest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Disinterest.

You go, like, I'm not getting anything with this.

If you can start to see the pulse go right here, you go, well, we're turning it up a little bit.

Turns out this one's going to go spicy.

Someone's getting arrested tonight.

When you guys are doing shows in the city together, and you guys are doing a tour together, just a three going.

three.

Oh, you can go.

No, no, no, please.

Just three dates together.

Just three dates.

Is this like a baby step of like

because that would solve a lot of problems if you guys went on the road together?

I know.

Because I go on the road and I miss Katie.

I know.

I think, honestly, you should just have full access to his phone.

I just start saying stuff.

You go, what are you?

Hey, Dan.

She leaves.

You go, Kelsey, I'm going to see you out in the hallway.

Hey, what was that?

You just stopped me in the hallway.

You're hand over his chest.

You go, what are you doing back there?

I go, huh?

You actually go on the road together.

That's so fun.

Three days from now, she gets a Fox News report on her phone, and it just says, You've been found in a wheel well.

Dude, Dan,

he told me he was diamond, so I don't know why he's riding in the wheel well.

Really?

He saw his place.

He's nice.

He has money.

His dog.

His dog was nice.

It seemed like everything was good.

I don't know why he would leave America for Venezuela.

He's in a tire well.

No, but I mean, traveling, it's like vacation.

I think vacations bring in more fights than like work trips.

Because like work trips, there's stuff to be done.

Like vacation is like...

There's less to lose on a vacation.

You're like, work trips, you're like, we got to go on stage together tonight.

Yeah, we got to.

It's also like there's, there's, even like a wedding, there's an event.

There's events.

When you go on vacation, there's like events that you plan, so they're not real.

Okay.

And there's also this belief that you're supposed to be like happy the whole time on vacation.

Yeah.

That's my fault.

Like once you're on vacation sometimes, we're like,

why are you upset?

You're on vacation.

She's like, I don't know.

I'm a person.

Yeah, that makes sense.

We went to Europe together for two weeks at the end of this past year, and we had such a good time.

Yeah.

We didn't fight.

We just, it was the best.

We like to say fighting for home.

That's what you should do.

Fighting for the Patreon of our podcast.

That's even better.

We like to monetize

our

money.

Well, here's what we're doing on this tour.

Do you want to tell?

Yeah, yeah, so we're doing three cities together, markets that we probably shouldn't have done.

We've learned because they're

tertiary meant.

And it means you don't sell tickets there.

It means

tertiary means no one gives shit.

Because it's hard.

You don't want to go

a market where we would both draw and then burn that weekend where we would have both had our own shows.

So we're going to these markets.

It's going to be fine.

It's going to be great.

Well, I'm wondering, because you know, people, this is, this will probably come out after those shows.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So

we could say the names, we can give the judgments, and then it's fun

if it goes well or bad.

So you could, what you, what, first off, what markets are they?

What cities?

Huntington, New York.

We're at the Paramount Theater.

Oh, yeah.

Long Island.

Long Island, yeah.

Loved it, bro.

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, you're going to have to punch her at some point in the show to get a big pop.

Great venue.

And we're going to be able to see so much of the venue because it will just be

wide open.

You know how people in Long Island like to recline and put their arms around you?

Yeah, there's going to be plenty of room for that.

Dude, everyone come and lay everyone come out and starfish.

Starfish on the ground and look at the sky.

You go, standing room only.

Everyone was laying down a little bit.

Literally starfished.

You were going to step on.

So you guys are doing Long Island?

Yeah.

Montclair, New Jersey.

Okay.

And Philly.

Philly's like

mortar.

That one is going to be

the most well-addicted.

Yeah, that one's going to be fine.

Yeah, Parks.

The first two, yeah.

Yeah.

Huntington, Long Island's tough.

Long Island's its own ecosystem.

People don't realize that.

Yeah, it's a ways out of the city.

You're not doing like a local New York.

Is it really?

It's the furthest drive from New York.

We're taking lifts everywhere, and we're taking a lift to Parks Casino in another state.

Yeah, it's not further away than one of the boroughs.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, it's crazy.

You'll be in New York traffic, and it's always the 90-minute mark where you go, I could have gone to Philly.

I could have drove to our original nation's capital.

And instead, I'm in fucking Queens

still.

Long Island.

Long Island's crazy.

You know, it's funny is I live here in Long Island.

I'm like, I'll do

Brokerage.

I'll do a tiny one.

Because you're like, I don't know.

Long Island's complete own ecosystem.

Yeah, and it's an ecosystem that doesn't know us, apparently.

Yeah.

We're learning.

We've never been.

Yeah.

Well, guess what?

You're going.

It's going to be a hell of a time.

Yeah, I will tell you this.

And I'm not just fluffing nuts here to make it seem like I'm trying to be positive.

Sure.

The people that are coming, no one stumbles into a theater going, let's try this.

Yes.

Yeah.

So it is going to be really fun people.

Yes, absolutely.

Also, it'll be fun if you do this show and then come back and sell it out as like

you know, you do the fact-finding thing where you go, now everybody here, go get five people.

Right.

And in 16 months, we'll reassemble.

This fucking pyramid scheme our way.

And then I go.

Have you guys been to a Kelsey Cook Chad Daniel show in Long Island?

It's like, they're doing like six at the Paramount.

I don't know what the fuck's going on.

But they also do cell phones at the end.

They like sell a cell phone.

We want to go.

There's commercials here for Shen Yun.

I don't know if you know what Shen Yun is.

I do.

Yeah,

it's a national, it's a touring thing.

It's a Chinese ballet that is, it's anti-communism, but it's like china before communism and they do this whole thing they live in new york they live on a compound in new york and then they tour the united states doing this like oh i'm fascinated by it they're at the lincoln center for i think like three more nights katie's in katie's on a work trip without me not like you guys you guys get to go everywhere together uh

but we're gonna miss shen yun we're missing shen yun we're missing shenyun we're missing shen yunyun

Katie, you got to go to Detroit.

We're missing Shen Yun.

But now it feels like a choice because you could go.

Without her?

This sounds like something a rich businessman would be screaming in a situation to his wife.

We're missing Chen Yun.

Catherine, Shen Yun is at the Lincoln Center for two donuts.

Mary White Lotus.

I need to see my pre-communism Chinese ballet.

But we're just so fascinated by it because they fucking pepper the commercials in on Jeopardy and shit.

so we always see it

Katie is a reason I can't go by myself Katie's worried I'll get turned because apparently they're like do a seminar about how great China was before communism and like all this stuff and then apparently it's like pretty right-wing like by the end they start going like so start donating to these and Katie's like

I just feel like if you go

I'm worried about you going and by the end going like

write this down

I thought, yeah, yeah, no, I know.

I know.

No, I know.

It's a pitch.

I got it.

I got this, though.

Shenyun.net.

And then, like, she comes home a week later.

I go, good news.

We're going to Beijing.

On a time machine as well.

We're going to do Shen Yun there.

We're going to try to break communism in China.

She comes back.

It's a two-man show.

She comes back and sees an ad for your next show, and you're going by Dan Yun.

Dan Yun.

And it's like

cherry blossoms behind me.

And I'm just up there like, how great is China?

Pre-communism.

Yeah, dude.

It's I, that kind of shit, I'm, I'm fascinated by.

Myrtle, are you eating your turtle right now?

Pretty loudly.

Oh, Myrtle's turtle.

Oh, God.

Okay, good.

Sorry, back to it.

Get the munching.

But our show's together, we're going to each go on stage and do our individual stand-up.

and do our jokes about each other.

That's fun.

And then go back on stage together.

That's very fun.

And get to give our side of the other person.

I love that.

I can't wait.

I love that.

Because I got a lot of fucking things to say.

Yeah.

You're going to come out with like a dossier and your readers.

You go, may I begin?

Great.

And you go, then Chad comes out and like litigates.

Can I tell the hip thing?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So she has a special market territory on YouTube and Hulu.

See it now.

Go stream it.

And there's a joke about me having a fake hip and she goes, do you think I give a shit if he can jump rope or not?

And I sit and and when I see this joke, I go, I can fucking jump.

I'm one of the best jump ropers you've ever seen.

I used to do jump rope for heart.

I have.

Oh my god.

Jump rope for heart.

I used to jump.

It was fighting heart disease and raising awareness and I would jump my damn farm.

I used to, I had to go find a jump rope that I won that had engraving on the handle for being the double under champ and being like, how you fucking like me now.

Can you do it now though?

Sure.

Yeah, it's such a

joke.

I want it after this.

So real.

Chad's competitive fire is this guy.

Yo, can you do it?

You go, fucking A can.

You push the mic away.

God damn, what are you going for?

I grab some of these cords.

Why don't you grab some of these cords?

Get an extension.

Get a mic.

Unplug it.

You don't need to talk loudmouth.

Shen Yun, my ass.

I'll show you Shen Yun.

Oh, my God.

I'll show you a fucking Shen Yun right fucking now.

Just doubling under.

This is Taster's Communism.

Yeah.

Okay, this is the People's Republic of China.

And it's so funny.

Turn into a black girl.

You're like, I just went to the store.

What did I say?

Like, dude, you start double-dutching it?

It got fucked up.

Teddy bear, teddy bear.

Touch the ground.

Teddy bear, teddy bear.

Turn around.

You fucking got her, dude.

It got nuts.

That's so funny.

So you heard that.

That is funny when you react to it.

Did you know before the special about that joke?

I did, but I was sitting in crowd watching wanting to heckle my own girlfriend.

And it's such a silly, it's like a very silly tag in this silly joke.

It's not silly.

Yeah, it's not.

Well, it's not silly if you're just walking.

People think it's true.

He was like, I just need you to know something.

I'm actually like really good at jump rope.

I was like, okay.

He's like, no,

I won a jump rope in a jump rope contest that I wasn't even supposed to be in.

And so your joke about that, because I have a fake hip, I can jump rope.

I'm like, okay, I see that.

You're still finding I was actually bad at.

Oh, for God's sake.

By the way, good luck.

But it is, that's the thing about writing jokes when you're in a relationship.

You're like,

you're a comic.

So

you guys can write jokes about each other and go, like, I have a joke about you.

Katie, I just have to come home and go, I said stuff about you today.

And she's like, what did you say?

And I'm like, you go, it really worked.

I'm going to be doing it every day.

Please let me see.

Well,

infamous, I had a joke on my last special on YouTube about watching porn and it going over the Bluetooth while she was in the shower.

And that, and that, like, that just happened.

It just happened.

Like, and she came out of the shower and immediately I was like, that's, that's a good bit.

Yeah.

And she was like, don't.

It was like while it was happening, she goes, don't.

But then three weeks later, she was like, yeah, you should do it as a bit.

And then it was funny when the first time she came out and watched it and she was like, yeah.

And people would see her and be like, did that really happen?

She's like, exactly the way it happened.

And that made me feel good because it's like, I'm not going to lie about it.

It's already a credibly embarrassing situation that's kind of nice actually that it's like somebody that's saying no this is like there is no elaboration here because i think as comics you want people to know like no this shit really like this is a real thing you know i mean it's a real some stuff is made up some stuff you know just to sprinkle in but that's the thing about stand-up is you that you have to mix it in enough where people go like that's believable right it's like Some of my favorite jokes are stuff that I go like, you really happen to go, yeah, it really did happen.

And you're like, that's fucking great.

It's just great.

is fun.

I do like the idea of you going on stage afterwards and being like, Here's actually what really happened.

If people got to do that at regular jobs, like if you just work at an insurance company, you go, Hey, Terry's wife's coming by.

Apparently, some stuff he said at lunch.

She's got a retort.

Yeah.

She goes, and another thing, I do let him play video games till late at night, as long as he wakes up to walk, and he doesn't fucking wake up and you go, okay, that's it.

And it's on his birthday and Valentine.

Okay, not just his.

Yeah.

So So while you guys are having beers at work, which I know you have beers at lunch, okay?

I also know that.

Just like bringing your significant other to your job to have them explain their side is a very, we need to start doing that.

That'll, that'll bottom out the divorce rate because everyone will be like, well, I got to say my piece.

I'm not mad at her anymore.

I got to go to work.

I got to go.

Your wife works in a nail salon.

You go there and you go, and another thing, I fucking remember everything that she wants to.

And they go, okay, because she says you don't.

No.

just like clarifying.

I think that's what everyone wants right now.

It's just more clarifying, like news, anything.

You just want someone to go, like, this is the truth.

That's how it is.

And you go, great.

Now, everybody wants to be seen and understood.

Yes.

And so they want their version out.

Yeah.

That's why I feel bad.

I mean, I feel like your kids were the last generation.

Now they're adults.

So you're like, you don't have to worry about what's happening now.

Like, my friends with young kids, I have to be like,

hey,

they'll be tough warriors.

You don't know what to say with them.

Because they're just like, yeah, kids don't want to read anymore.

And you're like,

but we're not having kids.

So you're just like, then fuck reading, I guess.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know.

You're not supposed to do it.

I mean, make your kid read.

It's pretty simple.

Yes.

I will fucking duct tape you down.

Yes.

With the book here.

And you go, Dad, and I'll come turn the page.

Yeah.

But you're reading this book.

Dude, my mom fucking made me read.

And I,

sixth and seventh grade, I was like, this mean

lady.

And then now I like to read as I grew up.

And I was like, oh, that is.

So I guess our point is abuse does work.

It does.

Yeah.

Just a small dash of abuse.

It's like cayenne pepper.

Can you really?

You don't need a lot to make the point.

Just a little.

And let people know what's in there.

Oh, I hit my kid.

Yeah.

Yeah, I just, when, when someone at a work party that's 20 years older than than you makes a George Orwell reference and you giggle, you're fucking welcome.

Yes.

Okay.

Boom.

You're welcome.

Boom.

Four legs good, two legs bad, and you giggle?

Got him.

That was me.

Got him.

And the duct tape.

Yeah.

Call me after that and go, thanks, dad.

Go, hey.

I feel like Chad's one of the last known nonsense parents of that generation.

Yeah.

Right?

I don't know.

Of just going like, hey, guys, can I talk to you real quick?

I just like a dad that knows there's some fear.

I like a dad that establishes a little fear in their kid i like to open up conversations with them when they were little hey here's how you're feeling okay let me tell you how you're feeling and it's not great right now yeah that's the understanding of just sitting there listening to a five-year-old being like and they're like well i and like and this is all valid and you go i don't think it is though what happened to being terrified when you were a kid

people like we always try to romanticize it and be like we had to be inside when the sun was coming down but it was terrifying if you were late.

I remember like running home late and being like, I'm a, this is bad.

This is, I'm in fucking real trouble.

Possible physical trouble.

My friends are like, so what?

You're like, no, no, no, no, no.

Fear-based parenting.

I know there's going to be a lot of people that are like, you shouldn't say that, but fuck that, dude.

Fear-based parenting made decent people.

Because now the amount we travel, you see how shitty everyone is.

Yeah.

We just.

You didn't have fear-based.

No.

You had very like.

I did a little bit.

I did for my dad and stepmom's house, but not like physical fear.

But they were very strict over there.

There were a lot of rules.

Fear's fear.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Physical, verbal, mental.

Yeah.

Traps.

Yeah.

Puzzles, riddles.

However your parents want to strike fear into you.

A bat dressing up as a bat and fighting crime at night, people can use fear in any way.

But what would they do?

They would just like...

It was just very...

It was kind of like handmaid's tale vibes over there.

It was like a little Amish.

It was like they got internet way later than they should have, like no cable, TV.

It was just like, you fucking, you read your books and you like did your, whatever, your house chores and you couldn't talk on the phone in your room.

You had a

concern in your eyes.

See,

he has this thing where you're like, you're at a halfway house.

It's like, that's how they rehab it.

That's how they rehab criminals.

They go like, bring me your shoes.

Yeah.

They go,

we're doing room checks.

And Kessler goes, oh, fuck, I got a phone in there.

I'm going to get fucking killed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Contraband.

Teen magazine under my mattress.

Oh, really?

Jonathan Taylor Thomas is a real kissable boy, is he?

Contraband.

This is true.

My dad found, so we had like a one CD player in the house, and my dad would use it to do his yo-yo routines.

That's chicken.

And was it all music that was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Like all like different kinds of,

it can't be like regular

EDMs.

For yo-yos.

Oh, really?

No, I don't know.

Oh, fuck.

I want to know what he would yo-yo to.

I want to know what the...

Put together a playlist on Spotify for your podcast fans.

Oh, my God.

And one of my friends had lent me his nappy root CD.

Nappy.

And I was coming right from Kentucky.

Listening to it in my room in my dad's house, and my dad found the CD and got furious.

He was so mad.

Found my friend at school and was like, don't give my daughter that.

Like, really?

How old were you?

How old were you?

Seventh, eighth grade.

That's too old for that.

13 is too old.

Very strict about like swearing,

all this stuff.

And then on my, I'd go to my mom's house, and it was like, we had a candy drawer, and it was like the definition of like original gentle parenting.

Like, tell me your feelings.

I'm your best friend.

Like, all this stuff.

So I was back and forth between two polar opposites.

My mom was actually the one that gave her the nappy roots.

Yeah,

I love it.

She goes,

Big Vic.

She goes, Big V Vic.

She goes, dude, all the Poe folks, that whole fucking album slaps.

And you go, okay, mom.

Oh, my God.

She goes, nappy.

Get into them.

You'll get into it.

My mom did a perfect mixture of fear and then like at 16 being like, yeah, you could smoke cigarettes here and smoke weed here.

And you're like, but it was so strict.

It was like it switched overnight that you were like, but I think she knew everything was like set.

You're like, no, you got respect.

Like, I would have parties at my mom's house, but I'd be cleaning most of the time.

Because like,

when she would come home, the house would be clean.

She never knew I had a party.

The only time, the one time she knew I had a party is because someone stole like this like little statue in the front of our house.

They took it, which dick move.

If you're watching this, you're probably a kid from Eagle Crest and you weren't invited.

It was a smoky hill.

The fucking Eagle Crest Raptors.

It was a Smoky Hill party and you show up and you took my mom's little lady by her garden and that got us all busted.

But yeah, I would always clean.

But then, you know, smoke dinner.

I would smoke a cigarette after dinner.

It was very weird.

Like my,

I'm just like 16 years old.

I'd be like, that was great prime rib, mom.

Started packing my back and be like, I'll do the dishes after I have it.

She would like come outside.

I remember smoking cigarettes.

My mom coming out and talking to me about school, being like, how's biology?

Like, it's fucking, it's crazy.

Just putting it out.

So it was like, I had a perfect mixture of that.

Because I get it.

Your mom was like, yay, come and go as you please.

How do you feel?

And then your dad's like, no hip-hop.

No dancing.

No colored socks.

Which is so funny because now it's like, if you follow me on Instagram, I have like these like trumpet videos with my dad where he's covering WAP by Cardi B.

Your dad did an incredible cover of Odie Spoty Dope Licious.

Yes.

Outcast, which is like, your dad's,

go check out Kelsey's videos with her dad.

They're fucking incredible.

He's a mate.

He's so talented.

He's so funny and like genuinely loves hip-hop and R ⁇ B and rap and loves covering his videos on trumpet.

But he was just, I think, so protective of me as a kid that like.

I don't fully get it.

We've talked a lot about it as an adult.

When did it relax?

Why are we guys so strict?

And they're like very cool and normal now, but when I was young, it was.

Was there a moment you remember when it relaxed?

I mean, I was out of the house.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's not going to happen in the house when you're not allowed to CD.

You're right.

I mean, my mom, it took my sister dying for a moment to go, you want to smoke cigarettes?

Fucking smoke cigarettes.

And you're like, thank you.

Yeah.

Could be heroin.

I'm very interested in heroin.

As you're smoking.

That's what I'd say to kids now: is just threaten way worse shit from your parents where you go, I could be trafficked.

I'm vaping.

Yeah, no, you're right.

But was it when you came back from college and he was just kind of like, hey, I'm cool now?

Yeah, maybe a little older than that.

I feel like I was in my, maybe like mid-20s.

He's just, he and my stepmom both started to like loosen up a little bit.

I don't know exactly.

You want a soda?

Yeah.

What's going on?

Would you like a Coca-Cola beverage?

Whoa.

Step back for a second.

Yeah.

Was smoking cigarettes in the house worth killing your sister?

Yeah.

Okay.

Do it again.

No, I didn't get to smoke in the house.

It was in the backyard.

Oh, backyard.

I didn't realize that.

And

I think it was just my mom being like,

you've seen how rough life can be.

She goes, absolutely.

Yeah.

And she goes, do you need a cigarette?

Yeah.

I could use one.

Fuck walking it off.

Smoke it.

Dude, for real.

And I can't recommend it more.

Yeah.

Because there's something about going through something.

You know that picture of that black lady that's like working at the fast food thing, and she's like there, like this, with the cigarette?

It's like a famous meme.

I can smell that meme.

I can feel that meme.

Because there's times where your feet hurt and you sit down and you smoke a cigarette and you just go,

this is exactly what I need.

Just like, I miss smoking.

Interesting.

So much.

Did you smoke cigarettes?

Never did because my mom used to come home from work and she would watch Days of Our Lives.

She recorded it.

Yeah, her story.

Did she call them her stories?

Yeah.

And she would rip heaters in the living room.

Inside smoke is disgusting and i i'd come downstairs for one second to be like just let you know i'm going out with my friends and then they'd come pick me up and i'm like what the fuck have you been doing yeah

you were the house that i would go to to get out of trouble for smoking

so i would go to your house even though i was smoking cigarettes or i would smoke a cigarette and go home and they'd be like where were you back chad daniels and they'd be like oh yeah yeah that dirty dirty daniels house but that smoking inside like that especially where you live, that would be a nightmare.

Filth.

It'd be a fucking nightmare.

My mom would say, you want to wash your clothes?

And I'd go, why?

Yeah.

Do you got an outside washer?

Filthy parent.

When she,

when you, like, when she moved out, she's still alive.

Yeah.

Did she move out?

Did you ever like look at the ceiling?

Ceilings of smokers' houses.

There's a thing you can Google where people like clean the ceilings of where people lived and they smoked.

Smoked plaque.

It's wild.

They'll like, see how white that is?

It'll be like, you'll think it's painted like a gold.

And then they'll like wash it and you'll be like, whoa.

Oh, my God.

As I get older,

all I Google is like cleaning videos, like extreme, you know, like in hoarders when they take everything out.

Yeah.

I don't know why.

That's my, that's my Dr.

Pimple Popper.

I was just going to ask if you're like a pimple popper.

I don't like a Dr.

Pimple Popper, but you show me a room get cleaned out.

You want power washing decks?

Woo!

Yeah.

I'll watch it all day.

I'll watch it all.

How much PSI is that?

They're just fucking, they're gonna rip that wood apart.

If somebody comes up to me in the middle of one of those videos and goes, Want to touch tips?

I'd be like, All right, got it, just

first off.

You gotta

get three questions.

Yeah, is that electric or gas?

Are you gonna do the whole deck?

Don't come on me,

but yeah, dude, three questions in a statement, a firm statement.

Don't do not come on me.

Three is a rule, it is not a recommendation, but it is.

I love the older I get, I like watching shit get cleaned.

Like I used to probably like five, ten years ago, get really high and I used to like going on YouTube and watching dudes cut off their dreadlocks.

Oh my God, that sounds so satisfying.

But they have like, and by the way, people caught on and they started making videos of this.

They'll have like thick ass dreads, like thick ass dreads.

And then you'll watch them because it's a process where they have to like take off the dreads individually.

And then they like, but watching them wash their head for the first time after that, you're like, that's gotta feel so good to have that much hair and then take it off and touch your scalp.

Because it takes forever to grow dreads.

So they've been growing them for fucking 10, 15, 20 years, and then to cut it all off.

That's a terribly, tingly scalp.

Yeah.

That's like a Tom Hanks castaway shower.

That's like years in the fucking show.

Oh my goodness.

Did you ever buzz your head?

Some ladies have.

No.

I did have, have, I went through a Rihanna phase in college.

Nice.

Like every white girl that

she had that like really short, like that pixie cut.

I had a.

So that's close.

That counts.

Yeah, yeah.

Because you felt the water like.

I felt the wind on my scalp.

That's nuts.

It feels so good.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you ever grow your hair long?

Not too long.

No, I've never had a lot of time.

Because I have puffy

hair.

So it's like when I walk, it would go, woo.

that's why.

Because

we all wanted the butt cut, the perfect full.

They did have that down to about probably here.

So that's the longest I got.

Okay.

Was the butt cut?

It's the middle, the middle.

Dark middle,

and then it comes over like

you can buzz if you want under.

You can do the undercut.

That's what skaters do is the undercut.

Oh, okay.

But I grew mine.

Like, I was just waiting tables here in the city, and I was like, fuck it.

I'm just going to grow my hair.

And I went through like so much awkward phase of where it's like this long.

This and it just like comes straight out, and you're like, Yeah, I'll get through this.

Yeah, but then it got long, and then when I fucking cut it off for the first time, I was like, I took that shower, I was like, This feels incredible.

What was your inspiration for growing it long?

Do you remember?

I was like, I wonder what it looks like because when I was in eighth grade, I had it long down to here, and it looked good, it was like uh, straight, it just fell beautifully.

I don't know what happened, it came out clunky and thick and weird.

Yeah, and his clown hair

grew like in a wavy way.

I looked like a Dick Tracy villain.

Like, that's what I looked like, where I was like, this is fucking ridiculous.

And then one day I was just like, fuck it, I'm going to cut it.

And it was the best feeling in the world.

Oh, but now I think I might start going back to watching those dread videos because

it's satisfying to watch.

That sounds really good.

Do you get to hear?

the cutting.

They do like, don't, a lot of times they do that VO where they go, so at first I shampooed my head and then I went, but you see the reaction where they go like, oh, when they like see him.

Oh, you know what's another great video?

There's a

hairstylist, and he takes, like, older black women and gives them a glow up.

God, that's such a good video.

Like, he shows women and they're like,

their hair is like thinning, or it's like bad, or whatever, and he'll like find a way to, like, give them a haircut and do full makeup.

And you just see, like, his older black women be like, oh,

they're so happy with how they look.

And you're like, that fucking rules.

He's a fucking wizard.

Yeah, the internet does have good stuff.

That reminds me of the guys that when they're

like someone's in chemo and you have to shave their head.

Yeah.

And then they just go right down the middle.

Yeah.

The people start crying in the chair.

Yeah.

And then they give them a hug.

And then someone else from the barbershop will come over and do the same thing.

You're like, what the fuck's going on?

Is humanity real?

Oh, it's real.

Now, let me tell you the opposite.

It's something I've been fucking waiting to bring up.

Yes.

Something that made Katie and I, and I wish Katie was here because it's a point that we have talked about.

Joey Gladstone from Full House, Dave Cooley.

Sure.

Comedic icon.

Cut it out.

Got cancer, and I think they did that.

But he got cancer.

And

his co-star and lifelong friend, John Stamos,

put on a bald cap.

He put on a bald cap.

He put on a bald cap.

He put on a bald cap and then surprised Dave Coolier.

And Dave Coolier had to do this thing where he was like, oh, John, I love you.

I'm going to show it to you.

So he put on like a swimmer's cap to go, we're in this together.

Absolutely not.

What a fucking chod.

What a chod, dude.

That is such a chod move.

Isn't it?

That is disappointing.

And then, of course, the next thing is Dave Collier defends John Stamo's bald cap after fans call it shallow gesture.

And you're like, because it is.

It's a shallow gesture.

He goes, John, shave your head.

He goes, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

I want to be there for the person that did go, like, well, shave your head.

And he goes,

no.

Does that matter if that's the same thing?

You know, he says his whole name, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

It was funny.

We had the same thoughts too.

I'm John.

Goddamn.

Don't do any of.

Don't do a ball.

Because listen, I'm sure there's a lot of people who it's like a close friend has cancer and they see them lose their hair and they are there for them, but like their way of supporting is not to shave their head and that's okay.

You can still be a great friend.

Yes.

But once you put a fucking bald cap on, now you're just being an asshole.

It's like just stop.

Just don't do any of that.

You never had to do any of this.

None of this is necessary.

You didn't have to go out of your way to go like, I'm not going to do the thing for you,

but I want credit.

That's like going, bing bong.

He opens the door and he goes, look, I I look like an idiot just like you wow

I mean it's not real you're still here

I don't want to like oh god no I'm going on a date later

I just that's friends that's what you know put this on the internet I want credit I want credit I want credit hey everyone think I'm the best friend ever oh look oh it's not real fucking it's just him taking it off around Dave Cooy go well that's over

him pulling it off and going oh thank god oh fuck

I need to get out.

I would have shaved it, but I have a Beach Boys gig.

I got to play the Congos for the Beach Boys.

Yeah, that's such a hot guy move.

Hot people.

I don't think we...

I've tried to make this point before on other episodes.

I don't think we track hot people well enough.

And that's why there's so much problems in the world.

Because coming down off living your life as a hot person

is

like the DTs.

It's like the DTs of society.

Like you're like

everything

opened for you your whole life.

Right.

Doors, wallets, opportunities, and then all of a sudden

the door's jammed.

It won't open as hard.

The wallet's not opening.

People don't want you around as much.

It's got to be very difficult.

And I'm saying this from an empathetic standpoint.

We need to start tracking hot people like wildlife and having social services

with maybe like an aura ring.

Yes.

Sure.

That's how we tag them.

Yes.

Because guess what?

I'm hearing you.

You're saying it as an empathetic person.

Yeah.

And I'm hearing it as someone who has had to help someone through this.

I'm just

kidding.

That was such a good joke that I was like, ooh, that's going to get brought up at the show later.

The show is a are canceled

podcast is canceled huntington beach get your tickets now mortgage is canceled

you're a hot person but you're like a realistic person

well there's like i can already as any someone that's had a conversation with kelsey you can tell i'm talking about the people that are like so aloof that they don't understand that it's a limited time bald cap hot

that's exactly it bald cap hot where you go that's someone needs to pull you aside you need someone from the city to come and talk to you and go what are you doing That's clearly a guy who doesn't have friends around him anymore that are like honest, honest, and unafraid to be like, hey, man, yeah, I know you're John Stamos.

I'm also your friend, and this isn't going to go well.

Like, that's crazy that he has to have a lot of people in his life, and nobody was like, don't do that.

You know how long it takes to accurately put on a Hollywood bald cap?

It takes.

This wasn't just

longer than shaving your head and growing it back.

You could have shaved your head.

Got the real credit.

I would almost have respect for John Stamos now if he was like, you know what, fuck it.

And then did it.

I'd be like, yeah.

Because then he learned.

Yeah, he learned a lesson.

But I feel like hot people, this is why you see so many, like, a lot of Karen videos or a lot of like dudes flipping out at the gas station.

Because it was like, those guys might have been the hottest dude in their town till they were 25.

And then all of a sudden now they got thick fucking ankles in a beer gut and they're like, I'm fucking, I was the homecoming king.

That's why I got to track these motherfuckers.

Yes.

Because then you're not in a post office.

You're not waiting at the post office with some guy losing his shit and you go, oh, he was a hot guy.

There's people in our business that have a lot of power that you immediately go, you used to be hot.

And that's.

That's how you do things.

And that's why everything's broken is because you are using the brain of a hot person and we need a nerd.

We need a real nerd in here to do it.

Well, there's also a lot of people in our business that never were hot.

Yes.

That run things and you go, oh, this is just revenge.

Yes.

Yes.

Mike and I were talking about this as we were setting up the cameras.

This is the funniest, stand-up's the funniest job for me because the pool of people that are, whether doing comedy, booking comedy, around comedy, you have

dorks like the three of us.

that are just silly geese that just want to run around and joke around and can't believe, you know what I mean?

And then there's other people in this business that like should be running Fortune 500 companies and they're like CEOs.

And they go, that's not why I'm here.

It's for profit margin.

And I go like,

I don't know if that Dudley Dewright bit's going to work.

And they go like, Profits are dropping in Q3.

Okay, we were selling sweatshirts.

We were selling koozies.

Those have dropped off.

What's our summer retail look like?

It's just, and it's all mixed together.

And you have no idea because those people are very good at like wearing a schlubby sweatshirt and going like, I don't care about anything, dude.

And you go, but I, but you're very good at business.

It just feels weird.

It's a weird.

And so you see the hots that are like, I was hot, this door opens, versus the people that are like, I was never hot and everyone's going to fucking pay.

And then they're like, and they're co-workers.

And you're like, oh, this is just fucked.

This is just.

The spectrum in comedy is maybe the biggest out of anything.

Yeah.

Yeah, because athletics is like,

you know, you got to be good at a sport.

You're going to have different personalities in athletics.

Absolutely.

You still have to have that same talent level.

And drive.

There's like a thing about everyone that works in athletics where there's like drive is in them.

Like they want to make the organization great.

They want the team to be great or the player to be great.

There's that, I would say like in business, profit and like that, that drive of like, I want to make a profit.

Comedy, it can be anything.

They can just go like, I make noises.

And they go, you're a millionaire.

You're in.

Yeah.

Versus

I went to Wharton School of Business.

Like, it was so funny.

I always remember, like, you know, and I use them as a reference, but it's no disrespect.

Piff the magic dragon, it would always be so funny when I wouldn't be selling any tickets.

And then the staff would be like, well, Piff's coming.

So rents paid the next three months.

And you're like, oh, man, good for him.

Him and his dog dress up as a dinosaur and they make their fucking waitresses rents yeah it's it always blows my mind how many people are in comedy because there's people that it's like you should be at the pentagon you should be running the pentagon right now yes versus like leave the silly gee shit yeah we this is all we can do it's wild they'll have conversations sometimes i'll get stuck in a conversation at the seller where they're talking about like market value and i go like what

Or you hear somebody go,

you know, the jester was the only person that could make fun of the king.

And it's like, you would have been the fucking king, you dick.

Yeah, dude.

Dude, we were watching,

I was in Pittsburgh and Sean Murphy and I,

we were at the improv and we went, walked over to the movie theater and watched Gladiator 2, like the day it came out.

Super pumped.

And we were watching it and we were talking about the guys that make comedy sound

dangerous.

They're like, we're modern warriors.

We're out there battling.

And I was like, there's a part in Gladiator 2 where there's just like

glitter-covered gay guys playing harps and they're going like, off into the king we go, it's he.

And I leaned over to Sean and I go, that's who we would have been.

It's like, we're not modern gladiators.

We would have been glittered little power bottoms that got, if we were lucky,

got a little bushel of grapes to eat after our assholes got rearranged by a thinker,

by a guy that goes, the moon doesn't disappear, it orbits.

And I'd go like,

off into the little thing.

My little friend.

All bronze standing a king's feet.

There you go.

Go get my tiger.

And I'd go, one day I'll fucking kill you.

Can't hop on the horse.

I can't.

I'll walk to you.

I would rather prance beside you, my lord.

Because the moon orbits.

I have what the doctors call a prolapsius erectanus.

A red sock, if you will.

Your asshole hangs out of your body.

Like, the thought that we were like, dude, this is the only time in the world that comedians can walk around society and not get.

These throw tomatoes at us.

Like, they used to throw fucking.

They would have, they're like, yeah, the vegetables are gone bad.

They go, I am going to a show.

And they just, you're like, shut the fuck up.

And, yeah, dude, that's so funny.

I had a buddy, Kevin Williams.

It was his last night performing on the road.

He quit comedy.

Oh, shit.

Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

Shout out.

And I go, Shout out to Black Hills.

I go, get ready because this is your last show.

We have to make it memorable.

And I threw a tomato at him.

And it was low ceilings.

And so it just stayed right above the heads of all the people, clipped his shoulder, and then exploded and went back on the backdrop.

What I didn't know is that the backdrop was a very expensive AIDS quilt that they had bought to donate money to the AIDS Foundation, and it was fucking covered in tomato.

And the owner walked up and she goes, Well, you're not getting paid this week.

And I go, What's that about?

And then they told me afterwards, it was this giant AIDS.

I'm like, Why is it behind the clowns?

Don't put it behind the clowns.

It is a miracle your kids ate with the amount of weekends you didn't get paid for doing shit like that.

That is fun.

Jesus.

It's also funny that you had kids didn't come home and you go, Dad, why didn't you get paid?

You go.

So there's a virus.

They believe a man had sex with a monkey, and then it spread through the bathhouses of San Francisco.

Dude, an AIDS quill is the worst case scenario.

It really.

They go, that was for her brother.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

And you go,

walk the streets.

And he got fired, and he was humming Philadelphia by Bruce Springsteen.

He just walked up the stairs going, no, no, no, no, no.

And

no place

in the streets of Philadelphia.

I gotta go home and tell everybody I didn't get paid.

Are you uh every time Chad gets fired, he sings a Bruce Springsteen song.

It's kind of his way.

It's his wailing.

Dude, that is fucking wild.

Also, great shot.

We can talk about it now.

I clipped it.

Off-the-shoulder splashback.

Yeah.

10 out of 10.

10 out of 10, that's what you want every time.

Chad, I got to throw the first pitch of the Twins game last year.

How nerve-wracking was that?

It's funny.

I crushed it.

You weren't scared?

Well, here's what I was worried about.

So I had been practicing a pitch I used to throw when I was in high school where you don't let go of the ball on your follow-through.

You go all the way under your armpit and kind of throw it over your back.

Brother,

this ain't jumping rope.

That's a trick pitch.

Right.

That's something that...

Only someone with the flexibility of a 17-year-old could do.

Well, I went to the park and I practiced it.

By himself?

Yeah, by myself.

I was throwing it to him.

I was like, that guy's back.

There's no question.

People got out of there,

went to the back door to get their dog, saw me, and then went back to the driver's seat and pulled back up.

You got to go.

How many people went, you got to fucking see this?

I love that.

I would have gone inside and immediately gone, Kenny, come here.

Not just throwing a nobody, but throwing like there's something seriously wrong with him.

What are you doing?

Throwing around his back.

I'm like, so then I see it.

So you go, so just for the people at home, you go, you throw around.

You go.

All the way around.

And then...

And

you're bent over because you're pitching.

So you twist.

Yep, and then you throw it over.

You don't let go until it's behind you.

So you, I mean, that is.

And I used to throw that, and it was really fun because they would call it a bach, even though it wasn't, because a bach in baseball is.

It's off, you left the mound.

You have to start the movement and then

bail.

Right.

And so it's a continuous motion.

And so we had a bench clear and brawl one time over this pitch.

It was awesome.

And you could put it in the strike zone.

Once in a while, yeah.

Once in a while is what?

Well, probably half.

Okay.

That's fucking dude.

I thought you were going to say like one out of ten.

That's fucked up half the time.

So I thought it would be, you know, I'm a comedian going to throw out the first pitch.

Yeah, do a wacky throw.

And I get there and they go, oh, the mascot that is catching can't really see out of their face.

They're probably not going to catch your pitch no matter what.

and I go well I need him to catch this one because that's the point of it and then I go well fuck I guess I'm just gonna go out there and throw a normal pitch

but he hadn't been practicing any normal pitches thrown a ball he had just committed to this clown move

for weeks

and then got up there and still managed to how nerve-wracking

it was kind of

the most nervous I've ever seen him in a relationship I will tell you that I didn't even wait for them to announce my name that's so funny you just go it's over Tom Trad Daniels yeah i just i showed the guy the ball so he knew it was coming and then and it wasn't even the mascot that caught the ball they sent out the third base coach which was super nice to do and then i just threw it i don't know

that's sick it was

that's sick first pitch is it's got to be nerve-wracking it was yeah it's just the whole baseball stadium's there oh i was trying to be cool but i know for a fact that everyone could just smell it on me trying to be cool is it's the best part of growing up is realizing that it's the worst thing you can do.

Yeah.

And you don't learn that until you hit like 35.

And then all of a sudden you go like, oh,

I was trying so hard.

I think about my 20s and immediately I go, oh, I just, my entire 20s was something I wasn't or trying to be something I wasn't.

You're like, fuck.

So it's good.

Only do a first pitch after the age of 35.

That's a good idea.

Because then you just go, fucking kids.

I knew I wasn't cool.

End of seventh grade.

I had a buddy sleeping over.

Huge party was going on at this girl's house.

My parents go, Are their parents going to be there?

And I go, Yeah, you can call.

Well, we had someone in our grade answer the phone and pretend to be the mom.

Okay.

And my parents had me when they were 18, so they were on to everything I ever did.

Oh, I didn't realize.

I forgot your parents were young parents.

That would have worked on my mom.

She was 35 when she had me.

I would have absolutely been.

I was immediately on it.

So my mom's on the phone, looks at my dad, kind of gives him a knowing, like, fuck, it's somebody that is in his grade.

They hang up and they go,

like, Mrs.

Doubtfire voice.

Yeah.

Hello.

This is not his.

Chad can sleep over here right in the bed.

We have breakfast in the morning.

That sounds like Bill Cosby fucked Mrs.

Doubtfire Voice.

And then the face was different than the face that I saw when I went to sleep and I wrote her.

But he could stay.

But he could stay.

Such a good impression.

So they say there's no way you're going to this thing.

And we figured that was going to be the case.

So I had an Eagers window where you go out and there was a wooden plywood cover because my bedroom was in the basement.

Oh, dude, I know.

Exactly.

Yeah, dude.

Basement rooms are key for sneak out because that little fucking thing outside the window where you go.

And you could also smoke weed in those things.

Those are great.

Man, fucking middle school or high school getting high if someone's house, if they had like basement windows with the little little fucking thing outside it

chimney it.

Yeah, you just get you just get outside and then you're just outside in this little fucking rounded and you're like, oh, it's great.

So you snuck out.

Well, we snuck out, but we were going to ride our bikes.

Okay.

Bike.

This is seventh grade.

Seventh grade.

Okay.

Bike tires were flat.

So I was like, this is weird.

So I go to the corner of the garage where the pump is.

Gone.

Dad

holding the pump going, looking for this.

Oh.

yeah, oh,

yeah, and then we turned around to walk out of the garage, and my mom shut the garage.

Yeah, they fucking teamed up.

Whoa,

wild.

How now we're old enough.

You made that was that was such a highlight for them.

Oh, I did.

I promise you.

Yeah.

Like, they, like, you went down, you were so mad when you were downstairs, and they were like, that rocked.

Oh, they probably.

Your mom complimenting your dad, your mom's being like, and then when you were all like, looking for this, he's like, and then you fucking bam pop out, pop, pop, pop, where the fuck, y'all going?

Oh, their face.

Let's go make another one.

Absolutely.

God, that really fucking juiced my bits.

Do you want to go upstairs the way you fucking Batman our kids?

Absolutely kept their marriage together for five more years.

There's no question.

Prank your kids, dude.

That's the lesson.

Yeah, just fucking team up against your children, train them to be

adversaries, adversaries, worthy adversaries, and then have a mental competition.

Dude, sneaking out was, God damn, was there anything more fun than sneaking out?

Getting away with it?

Because it was just the adrenaline.

Did you sneak out?

I've never snuck out.

Were you too afraid of your dad and stepmom?

Well, I just wasn't light.

At my mom's house, she was very, like I said, pretty loosey-goosey with rules.

But at my dad's,

there wasn't anywhere for me to even sneak out to.

We're going to sneak out, you and I.

Yeah, you guys got to sneak out.

I was boring.

Do an adult sneak out.

We're going to sneak out in toilet paper somebody's house.

Yes.

Here we are.

Oh, Kelsey, live.

We're adults, so there's no chance

to go by.

They go, it's not this fucking guy.

Yeah, it goes.

That's what you don't know is in the state of Minnesota, it's aggravated assault.

You go to jail.

You go woke.

I've been such a good kid my whole life, and then at 36, I get arrested.

You get a rap sheet for fucking tea.

Dude.

When did you turn 36?

Today.

Yeah!

Happy birthday, Kelsey.

Welcome to the death of realizing you're not cool.

I was going to say, like, after 35, you realize it's cool.

I know.

You kept saying that date.

I was like, oh, fuck.

It's my first day out of 35.

Hello.

First day on the job.

I'm not ready.

Sneaking out is the best.

Seems like a real rush.

It is.

It's

the closest anyone should come to robbing a bank.

I don't think anyone should actually rob a bank.

But when you sneak out, when you get back, it's the return that's the scariest you have to sneak back in the sneaking back in everyone talks about the sneaking out but that that you know you know how everything sounds leaving you don't know how stuff sounds coming back in yeah shutting the door the window locking it different stuff oh fuck dude

i got so good at it i know you're just seeing this now mom but i was so good at it i was a master too i would just just go out but i would sneak out to smoke cigarettes with my friends this is like eighth grade and so i would go downstairs and then sneak through the garage it was pretty easy we snuck out at my friend's house who's now the head coach of the miami dolphins yeah oh my gosh and we used to sneak out to go meet up with this girl that he ended up like ended up becoming his girlfriend but we were in like seventh grade and we would sneak out and it was terrifying because they had a nicer house so there was a lot more windows so the like the light coming in you'd be like ah you're like no well, all right, go, go, go, go, go.

And he was just, he was like a surgeon because he did it all the time.

But when you're with him, you're like,

and then if you get caught, you're like, you're immediately, when you're the friend,

a lot of parents will go, like, it's because of him.

They don't want to blame their kid.

Of course.

They go, your friend made you sneak out.

And you go, lady, I'm just spending the night here.

I'm just trying to get through to breakfast.

I was actually here all night.

I said.

I said, no.

I said no.

I said nay.

I said, no.

I said, your mom is a good, hard-working mom, and we should stay right in the sheets that she bought for us.

But yeah, dude, sneaking out, there is no adult equivalent, is there?

Is that why people cross the border illegally?

Is that their

sneaking out?

They go, I don't know if you've ever snuck out, but crossing the border, way better.

They catch him and they go, why are you here to steal our jobs?

He goes, no, just to sneak in.

The worst part is sneaking back in.

We're watching a bunch of Mexicans climb the border back in.

You're like, what the fuck?

Just like a nude, like true TV show.

Sneaking out, bordering in.

Can you get in?

There are a bunch of parents that when you turn 16 or 18 or something, and they're like, I don't care if you sneak out anymore.

So now all these kids, that adrenaline rush isn't there because they can go out the front door.

Sure.

So where do they end up?

Fentanyl.

Wheel wells.

Wheel wells.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You look over my ears, bleeding.

I'm like,

exfoliating.

Pretend problems podcast.

Download it.

Listen to it.

It's hilarious.

Chad's got a pillow on that one all the time.

That's how you know he's podcasting.

He's got the security pillow.

He's ripping a pod.

Don't look at my tummy.

Kelsey Cook, happy birthday.

Thank you.

Her special is available on Hulu and YouTube.

You can go see

Mark Territory.

Mark Your Territory.

Mark Your Territory.

Damn.

I was like, my resin brain.

I was like digging through the resin and I was like, I got it.

And then I was like, I don't got it.

Thank you.

You both are sports fans.

Yeah.

Yes.

You are a basketball player.

Yep.

So last time you were here, we went through some cards

and I got new ones.

1990 hoops.

Damn.