81: Parents Just Don’t Understand with Jared Freid | Soder Podcast | EP 79

This week, I'm talking about Thursday.

I'm going to be at the egg in Albany.

Um, it's going to be an awesome show.

This Thursday, the egg in Albany.

This Friday,

Burlington, Vermont.

I'm coming to hang out at the Flynn Center, Burlington, Vermont.

I love coming up there, hanging out.

I'm glad I get a whole day.

Go get a Sammy at my favorite sandwich place.

Have a great show.

Go to danceodor.com for tickets.

Albany and Burlington.

Oh, in Red Bank, New Jersey, the Count Basie Center, June 6th.

I'm going to be there too.

Don't forget, May 29th through May 31st, Appleton, Wisconsin at Skyline Comedy Club.

So many shows to pick from.

The golden retriever of comedy tour is happening.

If you're in one of those cities, we're coming to a theater.

But if you're in Albany or Vermont, we're coming this week, like this week, Thursday, Friday.

Thursday, Albany, Friday, Burlington, danceodor.com for tickets.

It's going to be a very fun show.

I got Brendan Sagalow and Carmen Lagalo with me.

Hell of a lineup.

DanceOdor.com.

Buy tickets.

Fitzsimmons is so honest in a way that it,

you know, when someone older than you says something and it makes your life different?

Where you go, oh yeah.

He was writing on Crashing on the Pete Holmes show, which they filmed here in New York.

And he was around the Village Underground all the time.

So I talked to him.

I love Fitzsimmons.

So I was talking to him one night and I I was like, hey, dude, you done?

He's like, yeah, we rapped yesterday.

And I was like,

you bummed.

You bummed.

You were like sleeping in in a hotel.

Now you got to go back.

And he goes, Soder,

I'm not one of these comics that hates his wife.

He goes, I got a good house.

I love my kids.

I fucked the shit out of my wife.

I got it pretty good.

And he said that in a way that I was like, yeah,

why aren't we idolizing that kind of thought?

Right.

well it's not as funny yeah you know it's not it doesn't get a laugh like i love my wife humor yeah but maybe it will come back maybe the world will come to that i think we're getting over the how how dumb of a bitch is my wife i mean i if you saw that on stage you would be like what what's going on here yeah but there's a funny way to do that because i think

this is just my personal opinion that whole like

this stupid bitch it's like well you married her right no you it's true i feel sad for you I feel sad for the wife I feel sad for the kids which was a very popular comedy style 80s and 90s where they're like oh my god my family I do get the funny in that obviously but now we're at the point where I'm like well now I'm just thinking you're bad at decision making right like you locked yourself in it would be funny that if some like you had that conversation then someone

you flash cut to his wife And they're like, oh, Greg's coming back.

And she's like,

all he does is fuck me.

Yeah.

And

I hate my kids.

Yeah, the kids.

The wife

goes, oh my God, it was her that hated it.

She goes, go on the road, you.

And you're like, God damn it.

But I love you so much.

Shut up, you pussy.

I should have married my high school sweetheart.

And you're like, oh, fuck.

Dude, that is.

So a story I was thinking about when I knew you were going to be on the podcast is your brother works in the NFL.

Yes, he does.

Chicago Bears?

The Bears.

Still with the Bears.

Still with the Bears.

But was with the Dolphins.

The Miami Dolphins.

Yes.

Where did he start?

The Dolphins, but he was with like the league office.

He was sleeping on my couch.

Like I'm doing trying to do comedy.

Yeah.

He's on my couch telling me he wants to be an NFL GM.

And he was there for like six months.

And I remember I was like, dude.

You got to leave.

There are too many dreams in this apartment.

That's so funny when the apartment's too small for your dreams, for both of your dreams.

We were both like, and I was like stepping over him.

Like he was going going through a tough time he was out of like he got his mba like he's got like a he has a resume that's a little bit different for most nfl coaches like now pause on that

jewish mom is more proud of successful entertainer son

not mba and business son my

my

see the thing is she she loves hearing from friends of hers who like my stuff.

Great.

So like at first, I think moms, and I think moms in general, but like specifically, like Jewish moms are kind of big on this.

It's like they can't be seen as, if a mom's seen as a failure, if they can't explain what their kid does in one sentence.

Makes sense.

So if you, that's why, doctor, you are a good mom.

Lawyer.

Good mom.

And so like my mom did not have

a good mom.

But even MBA.

Good mom.

Oh, he's getting his grad.

He's in grad school.

Good mom.

So at first, I don't think my mom knew how to like sell it.

That's so funny.

My boy is a clown.

A writer.

She would say, Ryder.

Oh, dude, my grandma.

My grandma held on to Ryder until she died.

Yeah.

I went to went to the bank.

My grandfather, too.

I would send her checks or whatever.

And the lady goes like, you're such a good grandson.

What do you do?

And my grandmother interrupted me.

She's like, he's a writer.

I'm like.

I'd probably say that's the weakest form of my part of my act.

Right.

I would say I have more voices in charisma than I am actually hard writing.

Right.

This isn't a writing comic.

So your mom would use Ryder first.

She didn't even know.

It was like, you ever hear your mom like try to explain your job it's like nails on a chalkboard like my mom would be like well he does the thing and you know he goes

right and he thinks he's funny and but i feel like jewish moms more than like a more than like a goy mom would be like entertainment would like no know how to shoosh it up she didn't know how to do that she didn't know how to shoot it up she couldn't no no and but then when people started like and also like because like i hear from a lot of women yeah she would meet these like young girls who, like, somehow knew me, and I couldn't believe it.

Did they put it together with your last name?

Well, my last name, or they saw her on my Instagram.

They're like, she would get approached, and she thinks it's the funny.

And I'll never forget, I started talking about my parents, like, the last couple of years.

Like, I never really did a little bit.

Yeah.

And I started doing stuff about my mom and my dad.

I was telling this story.

And I'm at the seller doing it.

And I remember

my parents came to a show.

They'd never seen what I was doing.

They'd never seen you do stand-up?

they'd seen me do a stand-up but they didn't see like this new stuff about them yeah and the staff was like like all the man you know we know everyone there like

like like i remember alicia she was like have they seen it and i'm like they fucking lived it like i'm telling true stories and so i sit them in the different though well i sit them in the jump seat and i go on stage and as i'm telling the story about my mom my mom's going no no

she's like debating with me the stories that are absolutely true like we still argue about these things everything i talk about with my my family, like we are still arguing.

We are still debating.

From the jump seats?

For those of you as a comedy seller, it's very small.

It's a very small club.

Fits like 135 people.

But when it's usually sold out, when comedians have guests, there's these three seats by the Ray Romano poster in the corner.

Yes.

It's the Everybody Love Raymond poster.

And they put out these three like bench seats.

Yeah, you can pull them out.

Yeah.

And just to have whoever you're with come sit.

If a friend's with you, they can watch your song.

And my mom just yelling out like no no that's not what happened what this is you know how like you would talk with your mom and she'd be like well no you're being did you respond I go that's my mom I like said it to the crowd and like people laughed even more because the stories are all like I kind of made this like

this thing where I'm like I'm only gonna tell stories that are true yeah like I'm like I'm not gonna like do like I just like if it's not a fun story that I'm annoyed at I'm not gonna do it like no like even like just I just came to this conclusion I mean like just like like I'm like has it happened?

Yeah.

And I started doing that and it just like kind of like became really like easy and fun for me.

But it was also like my so then my parents started bringing their friends to shows.

Their friends loved it because I'm making fun of my parents and they like love giving my parents shit.

So it's like all these Jews just laughing at my parents.

And then like now they live in a country club.

So it's like the things that happen like my life now like it's gotten weird because like I've gotten past the point where people are like, what do you do?

Like, they're like insulting.

Yeah.

Now they kind of like it.

My parents live in this very confined, Seinfeld parent reality.

Kind of like the,

what's the place in the villages?

The villages, like, the similar.

My friend's mom lives in the villages.

So this is like a smaller version.

The villages is its own zip code.

I know.

The villages.

And these places, what it is, is it's returning to high school when you're old.

Absolutely.

It's old high school.

You nailed it.

Like I literally, I was golfing with my dad and I'm trying to learn how to golf.

I suck, but I'm trying to learn.

Same.

And this golf cart full of a family just pulls up next to me and starts like slowly trailing me as I'm golfing.

And I'm like walking up to my ball.

I'm like missing it.

And they're like, God,

trying to get good, huh?

Like, like making fun of me as I'm golfing.

And I'm like, what hell did I sign up for?

Who the fuck are you?

Right.

Like, and these things happen.

And you'll be, and it's like, it's improv everywhere.

Like, guys will come up to me.

My, my dad, well, I was with my dad once.

This guy comes to me.

He goes, you're losing a little weight.

My dad's like, no, he's not losing any weight.

Like, now we're having a debate over my body.

Damn.

It's just like, it's constant embarrassment.

It's constant, like.

Dude, your mom shouting no at a bit is a nightmare.

It's crazy.

It's a nightmare.

No.

I will say.

I forget it.

She listens to the podcast.

Trish, thank you for never debating me.

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

Trish, I've I've talked about insanely personal things about my mom.

And one time I called my mom, I don't know if I've ever told this story before on this podcast.

I've told the story publicly before, but never on this podcast.

After I did Montreal in 2011, there was a show that Nick at Knight was filming called Mom's Night Out.

I remember the show.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, yeah.

They did like a mom stand-up show.

Yes, and they filmed it in the old TRL studio.

Yes.

In Total Request Live for those of you under the age of 30.

And it was 1515 Broadway over at Times Square.

They had waiters that had trays of red and white wine.

And my episode, the first episode I taped was Judy Gold was the host.

And it was just all moms.

And all the comics were either moms or married with kids.

And the producer, Brian, was like, Brian Baldner, who's great.

He was like, hey, I want you to do this show you should do your mom jokes and I was like well

my jokes are about my mom dating it's not really

favorable I don't make her look like mom of the year I kind of joke around about it and he's like you'll be fine you'll be fine

they brought me up last all the whole lineup was like women I've never heard of like comics I've like done shows with a bunch of these comics they're around you know like they're around but you you don't know they live in like Percipini.

Right.

And then they come out and they go like, I do boats.

And then sometimes I do the Tropicana in Atlantic City.

But would

fucking murder on this taping.

They'd be like, my husband's asleep.

And I said, can he sleep any longer?

Crack.

Just like, ah.

They're just funneling red and white wine.

And then Judy Gold, I'll never forget, brings me up.

And she's like, are you ready for a man?

And they're like, yeah.

Like magic.

I literally went on stage and I was like, I feel like a male stripper.

Like you brought me up like a male stripper.

Everyone rubbing their nipples in the conduct.

I got a hysterectomy.

You can just lay one right in me.

And you're like,

but I go up there and basically my set, which I did in Montreal, was my mom was a single mom talking about her boyfriends trying to buy me over with toys.

It was like this stuff kind of like my mom dates.

My mom dates and, you know,

I didn't call her a slut, but I was like, oh, my mom's like.

She's out there.

She's out there.

My mom's out in these streets.

Getting a tank.

When I was a kid, she was out in the streets.

Dude, I also had this joke about being scared of scary movies when I was little.

And I was so scared, I pissed in the heating vent of my room.

And I was like, the punchline was, it was like, it wasn't bad in the winter, but then my mom turned on the heat and my room smelled like a bus stop in the middle of July.

Hot piss.

And I remember specifically, because I looked out on the Times Square, I went hot piss.

And collectively, the audience went, no

i bombed so bad really i bombed so bad i was still waiting tables that the next day i got a call from brian and he was like hey can you soften your setup like can you make take your set and can you soften the jokes and i was like

i needed the money so bad it was like 1500 bucks i was like yeah yeah yeah whatever he's like great why don't you come back tonight and at the end of the episode we'll have you do your set and then we'll edit it into the episode you're supposed to to be in.

I was like, great.

I went back,

bombed harder, bombed so hard that it was silent.

Because, like, I'm sure, like, how do you soften it?

You're like, I peed into the.

I took a wee wee.

Right.

And then it smelled like

tinkle.

Into the

dude.

I took a wee wee in the

central air.

We had a central air.

Which was nice.

And the redone bathroom.

My mother had a lovely art display like the towels oh the hand towels we would check

tj max guys who remembers talbots uh but there was

it was so bad that and also the the state the makeup they put on us was like fox news makeup so it was like plastered on

i bombed so hard that i just got off stage grabbed my backpack didn't remove the makeup walked downstairs and walked to a bar in times square and started drinking Nate Barge taped that night on that episode, murdered.

I mean, murdered.

And then I just get a text where he goes, Where are you?

And I was like, Ohula.

I was somewhere like, Oh, Sullivan's on Ninth Avenue.

And he was like, Jesus, but you know what?

Bubba gump.

Three stools in.

I'm hammered and I'm eating shrimp.

Coconut shrimp, pineapple shrimp.

Just keep telling you.

Jump a lie shrimp.

Nate goes, all right, you're too drunk.

You're too much shrimp.

Whiskey, soda.

But I called my mom and I was like, are these jokes like fucked up?

And shout out to my mom, dude.

She's a real one.

She goes, hey, you lived it.

If you can write that joke,

write that joke.

And that was our policy moving forward.

She's like, if you live through it, who am I to tell you not to joke around about it?

Right.

And it's also, that's why it's not mean.

It's just, you're just telling a caring story.

Yeah.

You know, about what happened and the viewpoint you had of that thing.

Now she loves it.

I have a joke right now in my act about her and my stepdad and I going out to lunch.

And she saw me at Palace Fine Arts in San Francisco and she came backstage with her friends.

And she was like, 100% real.

That's like what she was saying to her friends, which I bet your parents do.

No, I did, I did Dania Beach.

They brought all their friends.

I didn't have like new shit.

I was like trying to like work.

I was like, because my parents will literally look at me, they'll be like, you better have new material.

Like we already saw.

And I like hadn't taped yet.

And I'm like trying to like, so I'm like, for them, I, the night, like, literally three nights before my dad offered me a Zozempic.

So I did this whole bit of my dad pushing his Ozempic on me and my mom being like, yeah, do it.

Like, they're both reverse peer pressure.

Oh, it's two high school drug dealers.

That's what I say.

Like, I compare.

So.

And they're like, do it, you pussy.

Like, and I'm like, all the school kids are doing it.

Right.

I do this whole bit about it.

And I'm like, talking about how crazy it is.

And you can hear the audience being like, oh, like, it's like all Jews with body issues.

Like, who would do this?

Go to therapy.

Starry.

he's got a nice tush right and what are you doing and my mom and dad are like in the audience like ah like they think it's hilarious like the whole audience is like you need therapy and my parents are like gotcha bitch it's so funny to think of your dad in bed with his readers on and your mom goes we should bully Jared he goes that would be a good bit right like they're writing for you they're like oh that's sometimes it feels like they are writing for me I'm like no one would believe this like yeah my mom just where they live my mom's very like awesome she's She's awesome as a comedy mom.

I learned early on I didn't like knowing when she was there.

Because, you know, you talk different in front of your parents.

Oh, you can't talk to your friends.

So we had a deal when I would work Comedy Works.

She knew Wendy.

She knew like the GM.

She would do a thing where she wouldn't tell me which show she came to.

And then at the end of the week,

see, that's the opposite of my parents are like, we better have seats.

Oh, yeah.

They better be up front.

They know nothing.

One time I did a show at Broken Sound Country Club.

Okay.

This is like a nice Jewish country club in Boca.

They booked me.

It was through Gotham.

Like somehow someone was like, we should get Jared.

And it was, and I go on stage and my dad,

it's like their like function hall, like whatever.

And I'll never forget it.

The whole.

It's like the community.

So they know who lives there.

Sure.

And my dad was like, I need nine tickets.

And I go, nine tickets.

He goes, I go, it's sold out.

Like the whole, I go, I'll get you nine tickets.

So then I get him nine tickets, but he brought like another person.

So he didn't have a seat.

So I go on stage.

He is literally on the right of the stage.

He was perched up like an eagle in the windowsill.

Like he's sitting in the windowsill, like, you know, like above the seats.

So then the crowd, he looks like me.

So every time I do a joke about my family, the whole crowd, like all these Jewish people, they're all just like nosy fucking assholes.

And I'd make a joke and then they'd look at him.

Yeah.

And then they'd look at me,

and then they'd like not laugh.

And I'm like, and I remember I get off stage, and I was so angry.

I'm like, you know, you just start rushing through it, you're like, don't even like the smart thing would have been to like, take a step back, acknowledge it, make fun of my dad sitting right there, yell at him, yell at the Jews.

I didn't.

I went the other way, and I got off stage, and we go to the back, and I remember like they have this like back room set up.

And I go, What the fuck are you doing sitting up front

perched like a fucking eagle, hovering over the show everyone keeps looking at you what was this and he was like i just wanted a seat i was just looking to sit doesn't that hurt the show and i go yeah i i would want to sit too but why don't you go to the back where people don't see the older version of me sitting next to me look like you were haunting the room they go look at his looper he's upset his looper is upset without his sets going right he doesn't even think he's funny so

When your parents are supportive, you don't realize sometimes that they can be incorrectly supportive.

Yeah, and they, and again, like that's that's right.

And then if you give them feedback, they're like, I just was there for you.

I love you.

Right.

And you're like, what am I supposed to say to that?

Like, you go, yeah, do it different.

I know.

I know.

Do they ever do that shit back to your brother?

Do they ever overstep their boundaries?

See, I don't, I know that my brother and I have the same issue with tickets.

Like he's got to like help them go to a game.

And then they're like, my parents.

And by the way, NFL tickets, sorry, comedians, I know you want to act important.

Much harder to get.

Harder to get, but it's this, it's harder to get.

And it's, but it's the same.

Like, okay, do where, where do we get them?

And it's like, I'm working.

You know, like, like, just like we have a show, if it's 10 minutes before and your parents are like, hey, where are the tickets going to be?

And do we have the backstage pass?

We can kind of, it's easier for us to like work out with the manager, put it at the door.

There's a ticket box office.

This is a huge stadium.

So like my brother gets will call is hard to find.

Will call.

And then it's like, hey, what are the tickets to the back room that gets us the free food?

And it's like, so he has to deal with that shit worse than me.

He's also with the Chicago Bears who aren't doing so hot.

So then it's like, who do you ask?

Like, and like, I go, like, I go by myself.

I'll go over to the game.

And it's like, and like, I know not to be a pain.

Like, I'll text him a day before and then we're done.

My mom's not doing that.

She's going like till the minute of the game.

You know, like the kickoff.

She's like, where's the food going to be?

Do I get to meet any of them?

They're playing in the game.

They do have an on-field thing.

thing so you can get he gets a second on-field pass yeah before the game and there's like an area of

the back yes and he we go there all the time and like you go up to the rope yeah i've only seen it once and it was because of mcdaniel that i got to go beyond the rope oh really because i

i've watched mcdaniel go from every level of coaching sure

uh quality control coach you get tickets at the top yeah one time nate his wife and i went to a it was when mcdaniel was in washington as the receiver's coach We went up for a Washington game, and McDaniel was like, I got your tickets.

And they were like top of the stadium.

And then I sat with his wife in like the coach's wife's section, which was much better.

But Nate and Laura were like all the way up there.

And it's beggars can't be choosers.

You're like, I wouldn't have come if I had known this was the fuck up.

Which is so funny because then exactly.

Well, what's so funny is we were 2017, we went to 49ers at Eagles.

So at this point, Kyle Shanahan's brought Mike to the 49ers, which is awesome for me.

And we're on the bonfire, and we're like, we got to go to this game.

Vecky owns an Eagles fan.

Big J, obviously, an Eagles fan.

And I asked McDaniel, I'm like, can you get us four tickets?

And he's like, yeah.

And at commercial break, we looked up where the tickets were.

Top of the link.

Right.

Like in Lincoln Financial.

Again, free tickets.

Totally appreciate it.

But I was like, you know what?

We want good seats.

49ers were horrible that year.

So I bought four tickets down.

Yeah.

Didn't tell McDaniel, just bought the four tickets so we had four extra tickets so then this is when shane was like living in harrisburg i think so the tickets were jay's sister her husband shane and i think six and they all sat up there and shane was like all i had was money for one beer and now Shane's on the field with the Eagles when they win the Super Bowl.

Less than seven years later.

Life comes at you fast.

It's so funny that Shane's like, yeah, the Eagles, I went to their after party.

I held the lombardi trophy and i remember being at a niner game and him being at like the second to top row because of mcdaniels like i picked jeffrey lurry's nose yeah dude it's wild so weird they just do that after wins well what's funny about that they let you do it and then now he's a head coach so now i don't get a ticket now i go to his house and i get a ride with his wife and daughter and you're in the box and they they you pull into the parking lot you walk onto the field you go past the rope pretty sick big time but only if it's like, I only get past the rope if it's like me, my friend Chad, and his wife Jenna.

The three of us and Katie, the four of us can get past the rope.

More than four people, you're on the other side of that.

That's where it gets like, and then you do kind of like, there's a moment where you start offering it up.

You're like, oh, we can get on the field.

We're cool.

And then I went with like my high school friends and we had one on the field pass.

We were like passing it back to each other.

So it's like, yeah, I'm like, you do it.

I've done it before.

And they're like on FaceTime with their kids.

The kids are like freaking out.

They're like, oh, I got that.

Like, they can't believe it.

And I'm like, you need it more than me.

I can.

It's funny watching Mike sign mini helmets now.

That's wild.

Like, we went and hung out.

He's a celebrity.

Like, I mean, of the coaches, too.

He's funny.

People like the funny coach.

Right.

But we went and like hung out.

And there was like a bunch of people, like his wife's brother and his friends or whatever.

And they were really, really sweet.

And

at the end of the hang, they were like, could you sign a helmet for my kid or whatever?

And then Mike, like, it's weird to have like a hang.

And then at the end, everyone goes can you sign some stuff for me and you're like yeah sure it's just sitting in his living room like yeah but it's been really cool to watch the progression of course

but the ticket situation you're kind of like i don't envy it i don't which brings up the point of the funniest thing was

you get comfortable It's basically what you're saying.

You get comfortable with where your friends are at, where your family are at, in their positions of power.

Right.

Until they get too much power, and then it gets weird.

I have a hard time now asking Shane for tickets because it's a sold-out arena and I feel a little weird being like, hey, my buddy in fucking

Pittsburgh wants to come see you.

Can I get a ticket?

He's totally cool about it.

But

your brother was working for the Dolphins.

Yes.

McDaniel got hired as the new head coach of the Dolphins and you were like, my brother wants to keep his job.

Can you talk to him?

And it was so awkward writing a text where I was like,

hey, dude.

My friend Jared Freed's brother works for the dolphins

but could you could you keep him

well it's funny because like i got a text basically like hey just let like he was being hired and my brother's still on contract you know he was there and but

basically he was like let a he he texted me he goes just tell soder that

you know

that he knows the brother and he works there.

Yeah.

And he and there's a guy there that is a friendly guy.

Friend of a friend.

Friend of a friend.

He just wanted like, it wasn't even like college him, but it was like, just let him know he's a cool dude.

I wish that was kind of like, I think that was the ask because I was like, I don't know how to text Soder.

My texts erase after a year.

I do the same thing.

God, I really hope this text.

It's so funny because it was more just like, let him know.

There's a guy here who's easy to deal with.

Cause you've probably, I think you've met Harry before.

You've met my brother before.

like you know everyone gets along with him like he you know he's he's not like he's an easy hang so damn I don't have it it is funny because like I was like okay how do I let Soder know damn I don't have it I have it just say he's a cool dude like that was kind of like the ask it wasn't like

because it is funny because it's like oh your friend's the coach of the uh Miami Dolphins could you get my friend a job he's like he's good on Madden it's like

kind of like but that's how people treat like NFL stuff like they're like well, like, my buddy loves football.

You should hire him.

Right, just hire him.

Like, you know, like, we get that with comedy, but not in like an actual way.

Like, we.

There's no one going, like, hey, can my buddy open for you?

He's pretty funny at the bar.

They'll say it as a joke.

They'll be like, he's funny.

You should write together.

And you're like,

go fuck yourself.

Yeah.

This is like, you know, with the NFL, everyone thinks they know Monday morning quarterback, you know, armchair quarterback.

Like, this is all like, and hey, like, so I've really been, you know.

So it was just so, I didn't know how to write that text.

It would just be like,

so my friend Jared's brother, super cool dude.

And he gets faced, you know, like when he got hired, you know, he had to go like meet with him.

And like, well, dude, that's, so, so here's the thing I don't understand.

It's like what you're talking about what your parents do to your brother, where they're like, where's the buffet?

Where's the tickets?

How do we get in?

I don't realize my buddy is taking over the toughest job of his life.

Right.

Where he's got to come in.

He's got to learn how to be a head coach.

He's got to, you know, he knows how organizations run, but now he's getting.

He's never done it.

He's getting his fingers in the mud.

Yeah.

And like, you have to like, you have to hire a staff.

Like that is like a, you know, like, yeah.

And sometimes you've got people you already trust and you made promises and, you know, and all of it's, you know, just like anything, comedy.

You realize everything's the same.

It's all relationships.

It's all like, yeah, I just like, like this guy and I work with him and I'm going to have to to spend hours at the office with him.

Like, he's going to be the guy that does this job.

Yeah.

You know, like, and I don't care.

You know, my friend's really funny.

Can they open for you?

I don't want to be in the road with a stranger.

I don't know you.

Yeah.

Like, I didn't do that recently.

With, I love my agent.

My agent was like, hey, I got this other client.

He should do this date, this date, this date.

I go, I don't even know the guy.

Right.

Why would I give him three dates?

Right.

Day one goes bad.

We got two more that I'm going to be mad at you.

Right.

Oh, I'm going to be so mad at you.

I'm going to be like, why the fuck did I listen to this?

Right.

Because you don't understand.

It's like

jobs where people want to give input are often jobs where you're like, I don't think you understand the dynamics of this.

Right.

There's, there's all, there's a lot of other things going on.

Yeah, I mean, that I need.

Like, you know, again, like someone who opens for you is just like, it's such a, it has to be such the right fit.

You have to, you're traveling with them.

You're working with them.

But more importantly, you're spending a lot of dead time with them.

Dead time.

So if it isn't like a fun hang for you, it really is like, what's the point?

Yeah.

And

again, like, that's like, you know, any, there's a lot of people that can make people laugh.

You know, like you, it starts hard to make people laugh and then easy to be cool.

It goes from that to easy to make people laugh, hard to be cool.

Yeah.

And that's kind of what you're looking for is like this good mix of like, Do you make people laugh?

And are you someone that's not going to bother me during the day when I want to do my own thing?

And you're not like so are we going to go to the museum like i'm like no i'm going to i want to nap it too right i'm going to see you at the show yeah that's that's and so when but i i genuinely

even though we're talking about this i genuinely felt when your brother didn't get the job that i was like it was my text it was my text my text

could have been better i i think he was just like here's a shot in the dark because like again like there's but he landed on his feet well he got hired immediately by the bears and then went there.

And,

you know, then this new coaching staff is getting brought in.

And this became another season of like, what's going to happen?

And he knew Ben Johnson from Miami.

So they had a relationship before.

And like, you know, that turned into like, what's this going to be?

And I, you know, I stayed away.

Like, I can't even talk to my brother after a game.

Like, they lose.

I'm like, dude.

I can't.

Like, I went to the.

After they lose.

You can't.

I don't know what to do.

Like, if these people that are fans, they're doing a lot of these commercials during the NCAA tournament, which is, it's showing you, if they're doing these commercials now, it shows you how bad it's gotten with gambling.

They're doing these commercials where they're like, hey, don't threaten college athletes.

That's literally the commercial.

They're like, hey, there.

Hey, man.

I know you put your mortgage on NC State.

Sorry.

We're sorry, but can you not threaten a 17-year-old?

Dude, they get like...

If the first year gambling was legal.

I saw it directly affect the way that like, and not just McDaniel.

I'm talking about other coaches being like, yeah, we're getting like phone calls.

Like, people are finding unlisted phone numbers and threatening them, being like, I'll fucking kill you.

Oh, my God.

But by the way, on games, they win.

Right.

On games they win.

They'll be like, you're fucking dead.

I needed three more yards to win DraftKings.

He beat the Broncos 70-10.

Got that.

I remember.

That's crazy.

Got threats.

Well, that's...

Because he chose to run the clock out and not break the record.

And people are like, you fucking, you cost me money.

Well, have you been to an NFL game?

Like, the people that go, like, they're animals.

Like, there's not like...

I grew up going to NFL games.

It's the worst stadium experience.

But it also, there was a part of it that, like, at least growing up when you would go, you'd kind of be like, well, we're all here to cheer on the team.

You don't know what people are cheering for.

Now it's like with gambling and it's just like um

seeing that commercial during the ncaa tournament you're like oh they're already starting to acknowledge it's a problem which trust me they don't want to acknowledge that it's a problem no i mean like but these people being like stop threatening their lives guys i mean it happened it happened quickly too remember they'd be like like the swami would like kind of referenced gambling like it was like this big joke now you turn on espn the whole show is just dude they do espn bet yeah it's just bought one long sports book.

Yeah, it's just, I feel like I'm at a casino.

Their commercials are literally like, what do I call my parlay?

I'm the queen of parlays.

It's like, you shouldn't be.

But now kids are watching sports thinking it's gambling.

Also, I'm just going to say it.

Gambling with apps, pussy way to go.

Back in the day, you had to go to a bookie.

You had to go to a guy that might hurt you if your bet didn't go through.

And now you're like, oh, I bet money and I lost on an app.

It's like, fuck you.

Old school gambling guys would be like, hey, I need the thousand dollars or I'm going to break your fucking legs.

Right.

That's what gambling needs to go back to.

The threat of serious violence.

This is, I mean, there's a correlation to dating.

Yeah.

You know, the dating apps are just,

it's just a gambling app.

Yeah.

Like you kind of don't feel the rejection.

You don't feel the hurt of losing.

You don't have to pay the money with every bet.

It's a, you don't have to go out of the house to do it.

Like if you want want to be a stud you can just be a stud from your couch if you want to be a gambler like you don't have to go to any casino you don't have to like meet some guy that's going to be like a little bit weird for people that don't realize it rocky balboa in rocky yes is a loan shark he goes he's the muscle he's the muscle

yeah so rocky's entire job before he fights apollo green is fucking people up and that's the whole reason you like him is because he kind of feels a little bad that you got to break someone's fucking hands right because you gambled and now you got but there is no like i think you're absolutely right with the dating apps dude like getting rejected real time right is it sticks with you and you better have thick skin dude like

i remember bar none i don't know if it's open anymore bar none there had there was a there was a great room in the back in the back i remember in the comedy show yeah yeah but they would do bar none comedy shows and they had shot girls that had little tubes of shots i fresh in new York, beautiful girl working a shot glass thing.

You know, they kind of flirt with you like strippers.

Sure.

So I'm like, I'm buying some tubes.

I'm getting blacked out on some tubes.

And I was like, can I get your number?

And then she was like, here you go.

And she wrote down something.

And I was like, thought I was getting her number.

And she goes, here's my MySpace handle.

And I was like, oh,

which is, that's clearly a rejection, but you just got to take it.

I can't go like, fucking snooze.

Like it's an app.

She was ahead of her time.

Dude, she knew how to.

She was like.

Well, by the way, that's a shot shot girl.

She knew how to evade.

Right.

She's getting 30 attempts a night.

Yeah, she's just swatting.

Swatting MySpace.

MySpace.

Probably not even a real URL.

A tumbo.

Yeah, she was just not in the house of Ashley.

She's like, you want to come in here?

Yeah.

You are not going to happen.

What do you think?

Can I have your numbers going to work on this?

Oh, my God.

Just because I said a couple of lines.

Right.

But you're right.

We need to bring back the like, it's also the way people talk shit.

People don't, back in the day, if you talk shit to someone's face, there's a percentage that you could get into a fight.

If you're in arm's length.

They could grab you.

They could grab you.

And now what happens is when people talk shit in public and someone grabs them, they're the victim.

They're thrown out.

Even though they didn't start it.

Start taping.

It's like,

this guy was violent and grabbing me.

You go, what did you say to him?

I was talking with someone the other day.

I just think it's so funny when two people start taping each other

and someone,

you know, when they get into fights and then just, so now it's just two people, and someone I was that's the that's the modern high noon,

just two people

like you're gonna like and basically being like, My group will hate you, and they're like, My group will hate you.

Someone said, I was, where was I?

It was such a funny line.

I was so jealous of it.

They said, I'm trying to remember who said it, but it was, they were like, it was like two wizards.

That's so funny.

Putting spells on each other.

You know what's so funny?

If you slap their phone, they would call the cops.

Right.

If you see it.

Did you see Rory McElroy?

No.

He's at a golf tournament.

Some guy yelled at him.

He goes, walks right over to him, takes his phone out of his hand, and then just walks away.

And the guy probably became a victim.

The guy just was like, and everyone, so then the rest of the weekend, he's every time he hit the ball, you know how people you like, buh-buh-buy-wee, after they hit it?

People kept yelling, where's my phone?

That's great.

That's fun.

That's fun.

Made me laugh.

But every time.

We like, like, the internet has done this thing where it's like

nerfed consequences.

Where it's like, ah, you don't have any consequences for fucking talking shit.

You break the phone, it's like battery in New York.

It's battery in New York.

Well, the Jason Kelsey video, he was at Penn State.

Yeah.

And the guy.

Your alma mater.

My alma mater.

You just took some guy being a piece of shit, took the phone, smashed on the ground, and you just felt good.

Like, I, I, I,

by the way, that went viral immediately because everyone went, yeah, because finally, because he was filming Jason Kelsey, walking into the stadium, talking shit about his brother's girlfriend.

Right.

And your feelings about Taylor Swift don't matter.

When it comes down to that, his brother's girlfriend, you're talking shit.

He's a brother.

He's his, you know.

And I just loved that the world came together to be like, fuck that kid.

Good.

Did that kid try to be the victim?

I don't know.

I just know that maybe we all took his sides.

I think the world took his sides so much that like.

The kid was like, ah, fuck.

Like, I got nothing.

I got no group.

That rarely happens anymore.

Rarely.

God damn, when it happens, is it great?

When everyone's like, no, you're wrong.

And the person's like, dad.

They've been calling it the alpha victim.

It's like you alpha, you use your victimhood to like alpha someone out of their position.

And it's like, like, really?

This is, this is how you're coming at people?

You know, like, right, everybody, I was bullied.

And it's like, you're going to bully someone because you were bullied?

That's what I thought was so funny about the

where he tried, like, I understand he had problems, and I don't know a lot about it, so I'm not going to be like, this is where I stand.

I just thought the basic facts are

Drake started, called out Kendrick Lamar,

started it, and then it got so bad for him that he filed a lawsuit.

Right.

Being like, this isn't fair.

And it's like, you started the fight.

You started the fight.

And then the lawsuit is almost,

again, like to accuse someone of pedophilia.

I think

that's the road it went down.

Crazy.

Where he's like, whoa, whoa.

But that's where, by the way, that's where everyone goes now.

Politicians, rappers, everyone.

If they don't like somebody, they just go, you know, I heard his fucking kids.

And no one, anybody.

Everyone's like, Jesus.

Because you know what that does?

That takes everyone out of the picture.

Everyone goes,

I'm not defending.

I don't know.

If it's true, I'm not getting involved.

Dude, I was talking to someone.

I was talking to Lev Furr about this at the cellar last night, but there are people that are so far left that they go, well, pedophilia is a sexual orientation.

And you go,

dude, I swear to God.

He showed it to me online.

There are people that have been on podcasts saying that.

Yeah, but I'm not.

And you go like, that is

class A retarded.

That is like, I'm not.

You can't live alone.

You're that retarded.

I'm not.

This is the problem, though.

We're giving a pulpit.

to like a group that's like three people.

Like when you say, well, people are saying, and this is like.

You're right.

There really is like three people with purple hair.

Actually, I think it's prime, it's pretty woe.

And you're like, wait a minute, we're listening to three.

Like, if you were Thanksgiving and it was your craziest relative, you go, oh, that's the crazy relative.

Like, no one ever does.

Like, yeah, just like, let's just like, can we start like calling people the crazy relative?

That's what my therapist said about, like, sometimes you get, and I'm sure you do, you get like crazy messages on

that are legitimately like scary sometimes.

That you're like, this person's mentally not right, and you don't know what you're, um,

what you're responsible for like someone writes you a crazy thing you're like i i feel bad like it's just like they're like almost like poisoning you with their poison yeah and then you go yes that's and it's just like i just tasted yeah i got the perfect thing they're going through but my therapist goes i don't know if you saw a crazy person on the street would you stop and talk to them and you go no no

because that's just how you got to treat it right these people can get online crazy doesn't know how how to not operate a phone.

Well, that's why we have to be better at not talking about these people.

Like I actually have come, I got, I, I had a real, when I was in Australia, I was like, people were like messaging me and I was like, I got a couple messages where they're like loving my stuff, but they didn't follow me.

So I was like, I'm like mad about it.

And I'm like, and I'm like, why?

I'm like, what am I doing?

Like, they like my stuff.

I'm getting upset.

Yeah.

And I'm like, but how will I have a career?

Like, my brain goes to like, how am I going to, you,

are you using me?

You know, and I, and I go, and I, and I said to myself, I go, Jared, you're a small timer.

Like, stop being a small timer.

You think it's one person is going to like make or break you?

This is small time

cruiser shit.

You're a fucking loser, Jared.

That's like when you go.

I've been spent my whole vacation looking in the mirror.

You fucking loser.

But that also is the delusion of like, when a LA number calls you, you go,

this is clearly,

this is Hollywood.

mr.

Hollywood come and tell me I fucking made it and then you're like it's a guy you did an open mic with that's like hey I'm out of New York can you give me spots and you're like no fuck but it is I feel bad for like

something that people didn't take into account on the internet early on was how crazy everyone is and how insecure everyone is right because the insecurity Sometimes when you just acknowledge people, they'll be like, ah, fuck, dude, I was crazy.

I'm sorry.

I was going fucking nuts back.

And that makes you feel more human.

My favorite thing to write back to people is like, I'm so sorry.

I'll take it down right away.

That's funny.

I just do that to everyone.

And then they go,

I'm not mad at you.

Well, I don't want to take him down.

No, that's not what I'm...

No, no, no.

Well, have you ever been like

really late to something or like frustrated and you take it out on people that are on your way to the thing?

What do you mean?

Like if you're running late for like a meeting, right?

And then a lady takes too long getting on an elevator.

Oh, my God.

You take it out on her.

Oh, yeah.

But

that's not the issue.

The issue is that you're

fucked up.

You're late.

And now you're mad at the people that are in your way.

That's what the entire internet is.

You just go like, shut the fuck up.

Finding someone on their worst day.

And you go,

that wasn't even.

I had this thing.

I'll never forget.

I was on a flight from LA to Miami.

And I'm like, not.

Probably the best people on that flight.

I mean, I'm middle seat, Delta comfy, and I

got a mobile phone.

And I'm like, I'm like mad that I'm going to Miami.

I'm mad that I'm like, I was leaving L.A.

I'm like hammered on this flight.

I started drinking.

And there was this Jimmy Fallon clip and it was Michael Phelps talking about mental health.

And he's like, and I'm like, is this the 30th time I've seen this fucking asshole talk about mental health?

I'm like, who the fuck is paying him?

And I'm like, and also he's lecturing me on how to like, he's going, you know, when I get, this is video, you can find it.

He goes, you know, when I get down, I call my buddy

Chucky

and we just talk as boys.

And Fallon's like, Chucky?

He goes, Charles Barkley.

And you're like,

so funny.

You're like, oh, I'll just, oh, that's good advice.

Cool.

Let me call Dominique Hawkins.

Right.

So, guys, guys, what I'm saying is you got to call your buddies.

And I'm like, and I commented something along the lines of like, this guy with 30 million gold medals needs to stop telling me to be happy.

Like, I was like, shut the mic.

Yeah, you set every record.

Be happy.

Right, right.

At this point, if you're not happy just a fucking peer like i and like all these people and it's funny because like i'm basically talking about a guy promoting mental health yeah who's trying to help people right

comes in there i'm like this ogre i'm like you loser

but no one thinks about how annoyed charles barkley is getting those calls new mans watch tv goes oh damn it it's michael phelps again i gotta tell you that michael oh hold on what's up mike what are you bummed about you don't like being on dry land do you not like dry land michael he goes it's just it's so dry here i got so mad and then all these people got so angry at me for talking shit about mental health and then i went and watched the interview and he actually in the interview he gives there's like a real quote where he's like you know it's just like i couldn't be near the water anymore because i wasn't who i used to be and i go that is like That's the mental health

clip.

That's what I want to hear.

You can't go into water because you used to be the fastest man.

And now you have to be a little bit more.

What's the point of your

mortality?

He goes, what's the point of being just a man when I was a water god?

When I could fly through the water.

I can't even fuck my wife anymore.

Because I used to be this dolphin.

I step in a puddle and I'm disgusted.

I said, I used to fly through puddles.

Yet it's so weird to be like, but I also get it.

When you're like the most dominant, it's always why.

That makes sense to me.

It's why I always am happy.

A lot of people hate it, but when I see former athletes do podcasts,

it's like a farm for old dogs where you go, good job, guys.

Just run in that field.

You found something.

Yeah, because sometimes, I mean, like, some of them I love, but some of them you almost...

I never am mad about it.

I'm always like, good for you, dude.

I think they have one good episode in them.

Yeah, yeah.

And then, like, have you ever read the quotes?

Some of them are charming.

Some of them are like.

Yeah, but they'd be a good guest.

Yes.

I think

they're not meant to host a show.

I think a lot of them.

But everyone does podcasts now.

Everyone.

Listen, I do a podcast where I read headlines from page six on Thursdays.

Right.

And I like just like read the articles from page six and like comment on them.

Half of the articles on page six are just like PR plants from celebrity podcasts because they all have so much money.

So they can afford to hire.

So it's like, there's

Tori Spelling from 90210.

She has a podcast.

And it's like, and it's like, yeah, she could literally put a million dollars in a bank account and it just spits into a PR agent's bank account every month.

And so then they quote them and like the quotes are always like, so I went to Trader Joe's and

they're just so nice there.

On a groundbreaking episode of spelling it out.

And the title of the article, because the PR person has a relationship with page six, it's like, Tori's spelling can't stand Trader Joe.

And they go, well, now I want to read this salacious piece.

Now I'm reading the article.

I'm linking to the page.

I'm linking to the podcast.

And then you meet the people that actually manipulate media and they're just little blonde girls on their phone.

And they go, they said they'd do it.

That's like always their reaction.

They go, okay,

I have a meeting.

I got to go.

My other client's Tony the Tiger.

He's getting accused of pedophilia.

Tony the Tiger?

He's around all this cute.

Dude, he's creepy.

That red bandana.

Coaching baseball without a kid on the team.

Oh, my God.

He doesn't wear pants around children.

What the fuck is wrong with him?

Come on, Anthony.

You're great.

Put some fucking pants on.

Oh, you're always great?

Yeah.

Little boy, but

it's great.

And you go.

Sorry, I'm working with Tony the Tiger.

He's trying to get on.

These PR agents, they are so powerful.

I've literally watched them build people's careers.

Yeah.

And

people are incapable of doing the job that they are called, but a PR agent makes them go, like,

Netflix is very excited about the new special.

And you're like, I watched them do stand-up.

They can't even do stand-up.

And they go, they're selling out.

They're selling out football stadiums.

That's what's crazy.

10,000 a month just off the top.

You know, there was a million people charged.

I don't think the general public knows that PR agents are paid this ungodly sum of money.

Like second baseman in the major league.

Absolutely.

And if they're on like the

the team

of like a big celebrity who's like they're just like paid forever.

Well, I think people started seeing that with that Blake Lively shit.

Like it actually started unearthing like how actually manipulating PR people are.

Because they have the relationships and they can make, and then you're losing, you know, you're like reading an article from a newspaper.

It's the one thing Trump Trump has always been right about, which is that the media is just full of shit.

Right.

Well, they.

It's just all full of shit.

It's all people that are like, like, you see what happened with Jeff Bezos Washington Post and all of a sudden Washington Post, who took down Nixon, who took down Watergate.

And then they go, no, we're not going to endorse a president.

And you go, that feels crazy.

What's going on?

And they go, we just don't.

And then Jeff Bezos is there with his bald head and weird eyes and his super slutty new wife who's like, can I wear a bra?

That lady.

Would you change your look?

If I got a billionaire?

Yeah, he changed his look.

He's a dork.

I know, but now he dresses like he's going to go Spree Lunking.

He's always like in a vest.

He wears Tomb Raider pants.

Yeah, he's big Carabiner look.

Yeah, yeah.

I think what happens is it's the same with Zuckerberg.

That they get so much money.

Guys stop calling them dorks.

and just start being like, you're the man, Zuck, you're the man.

And he's like, buy me a thick-collared t-shirt.

Give me a gold chain.

Like that episode with Rogan was embarrassing.

It's crazy how it looked.

The look.

I didn't listen to it.

Dude, the hunting part where Joe Rogan's like, what kind of bow you use?

And Mark Zuckerberg is like, oh, I don't know.

I can't remember it right now.

Was totally

friendly lives in Canada.

She's a model.

When I was in sixth grade, when I was in sixth grade,

Ready to Die came out.

Notorious BIG's Ready to Die came out.

I was 11.

I'm not down with the streets.

I'm a white kid from the suburbs.

You're not ready to die?

I'm not ready to die.

In fact, I was ready to live at that point.

But we're in gym class, right?

Public middle school.

Kids want to be cool.

I'll never forget this moment because this is exactly what happened in Zuckerberg.

And I'm like,

this girl, Mikey L, this, this black girl, she's like,

I'm like, oh, I love Biggie.

I love Notorious B.I.G.

And she just goes, very matter of factly, she goes, Is he a group or a person?

Like that.

And I went,

he is a.

Oh, you are a house of cards, dude.

Brought down.

I go, he's a group.

She goes, he's a person.

And just walked away defeated.

Yeah, done.

Done.

Done.

They pulled the bottom of the Jenga by John Crumble.

He a person or a group?

Yeah.

Fucking flat.

Game over.

That was Zuckerberg's.

Literally, that was like a one-punch.

And then my KO.

Yeah.

Oh, snoring.

Yeah.

I mean, that's what happened.

Big old fucking liar.

Yeah.

And Rogan goes, what kind of bow you use?

And Zuckerberg goes, oh,

you know, one of those like bows people use.

You're like, dude, you tried to pivot too hard to the bro.

With an arrow.

That's why I think it's really funny.

And we've watched it.

You know, we watched it in the mid.

teens and now we're watching it really heavy now.

People grift to a side politically is so fucking funny to me.

It's wild.

We're seeing, you know, I was talking about it, like,

I was talking about with Nimesh, where like, we got drunk the other night, and we're just like talking about, like, it's so funny that, like, we know who these people are.

We know who these comedians are.

Like, we're talking about comics, and we're just like, it's so funny.

Like,

the comics that we know that are like, everyone's doing well.

Everyone's like going on the road, but they're doing, there's, there's people doing so well with this grift.

Yeah.

That you go, that, like, it's, we're all just sitting here like in disbelief.

Like, and it's like the absolute ignoring of evidence

from the past is

mind-boggling.

Where you go, well, he didn't act like that.

And then all they have to do is go, like,

yeah, I didn't like the woke mind virus.

And you go, that's not even how you talk.

It's great.

It's like, I,

if you're, if you're a fan of a comic that just became political, it's, you have to wonder.

I mean,

i shout out to those of my friends that like dude nate bargettzi i'm talking about 2007 was like george w bush is the greatest president of all time he has stayed the entire time nate stayed nate shane when dude when i first met shane shane's like all these idiot liberals thought hillary was gonna win stayed kept it the same way by the way friends of mine who are liberal who are like that like I have friends that have stayed liberal.

They're like, nah, I just, I don't really know like that.

And then you see the people that switch and you go who are you the people that like got involved like after having no opinion and that's that's the craziest one where you go because like i listen i i remember i like i you know the podcast with betchas like I'm like the one straight dude there.

I went on a podcast with them and I was like, they have another like political one.

And I was like, you don't want me here.

Like, I was like, I don't need to be here.

And they're like, we're trying to hear from the straight white man of what happened.

I'm like, I'm not going to be a good source for this.

Ever see me go political?

Something is wrong.

I have lost the ability to write a joke and I am clawing for myself.

Or I owe someone a lot of money.

This is what gets so annoying.

I was on the road in San Francisco and I got a chance to play at like a really nice golf course.

That's the

one thing about comedy that is crazy is like people just want you to.

be they want to help you do shit in their town, which is awesome.

So I got helped to go on this great golf course and it's like we got done.

I played with these like older guys.

We get done.

By the end of it, where they're like, come on, let's have a beer.

We go have a beer.

And these women were there.

They're all drinking.

And they're like, and Jared's a comedian.

Like, they're like introducing me.

And the women were like, what do you, they're all like sassy.

And they're like, what do you do?

What's your best joke?

Yeah, tell us a joke.

And they're being fun, sassy, but they're like, and I go, well.

I talk about, they go, what do you talk about?

And I go, my family.

I don't know.

I tell stories about my family.

And they're like, oh, so you keep it safe.

And I go, I go, what are you trying to challenge my manhood?

And like, I got so annoyed because I was like, safe.

No, no, no, no.

I don't, I have to paint a picture of people no one fucking knows.

That I love.

That I like.

And crash them.

And crush them and hope that you somehow relate to people you've never met.

That's exactly.

You think that's safe?

And I'm like, you know what's safe?

Walking in a room, knowing exactly who's for your side and against your side.

And just pandering to your side.

And just going to your side.

And then if they leave, if someone gets angry, fuck them.

Yeah, dude.

And it's like, you don't think that's the safest fucking shit in the world?

Knowing how people are going to react before you even do the joke?

We were in San Francisco.

Katie was working a Giants Dodgers game.

Right.

And so I wanted to go.

It was like one of the best sports weekends of my life.

I got to go see two Giants Dodger games and a 49er Seahawks game.

It was fucking unbelievable.

So we're downtown in the hotel in San Francisco in Union Square, and I go fucking get lunch for us.

And I'm like bringing it back to the hotel.

And I'm in the elevator.

And I have my San Francisco Giants hat on.

And the guy in the elevator is like, oh, you're going to the game?

And I was like, yeah, going to the Dodger game, Giants Dodgers this afternoon.

He's like, yeah, I'm going to.

And he's wearing a Cleveland Indian shirt.

And I go, well, who are you rooting for?

Cleveland Indians.

The game.

And he went, dude, I was, I would have taken that answer way more than the answer he gave me.

Because I go, Cleveland Indians, who are you rooting for?

He goes, oh, I wear this so people know I'm not politically correct.

And i went right and it was him and his wife and i went oh yeah and watching that guy's face get excited that i was going to be like yeah instead i was like you dork you just i kept calling him a try hard i go you try hard and he was like no no you don't understand this is what is his excuse was he goes i work in academia this is like they're they're really bad they're really bad about politically correct and i went i don't care yeah you're just a fucking loser you're a dork yeah you're a loser it's the same way that, like, I watch some comics that were literally chosen by the industry.

Like, I watch their careers in the industry, and then they get to a point where they're no longer, the industry's dead now.

And they turn around and they go, yeah, the industry never wanted me.

And you go, I can show you six travel shows and three other shows where you legitimately were chosen by the industry.

Right.

Do you think that's the part that plucked?

That's the part that upsets me the most is like, you're acting like I don't have a memory.

Right.

You're acting like I don't.

I'm so stupid.

Like, Like, like, I didn't watch you

be a cutie pie for 15 years.

And then all of a sudden, you're like, we need to close the borders.

And you're like, shut the fuck up.

Yeah.

It's so gross because it's like in high school, that's when you're supposed to get that out.

Right.

You want to act black and you're a white kid from the burbs?

Do it in high school.

And you have the moment where someone goes, you're not that.

You're a group.

or a solo act.

And you realize you're like, fuck, I am a giant liar this isn't who i am yes and i i just don't understand how you how long you can live that like oh dude people people they must be making so much money that that's what it is and then what it is is now you're chasing the money so you're just willing to say whatever you need and by the way both sides far left far right it always crumbles

and watching them return

There was a comic who fucking went far left and then got absolutely kicked out of that.

Watching him try to come back and be like, literally did the thing

where he literally like to us goes right guys and you go don't fucking touch me we watched you told me my friend rapists yeah get the fuck away from me he's like no no no that was just like the crazy liberals that got in my head you're like no you made a lot of money off that get the fuck out of here you did that you and that's the thing the the draw of that like

is like

It's like gross.

Like, because we see it.

We see it plain and simple.

We're like, oh, I could do that.

I could go that way.

Which, by the way, every job,

every person that works watching this has seen that happen at their job.

Right, right.

You see a kiss ass.

You see someone that plays to the management when they act different in the break room.

And then the management comes around and they're like, I saw that at Bed Bath and Beyond when I worked there.

You're like, why are you being so nice to Eric?

And you're like, oh, Eric does the schedules.

That's why you're talking about baseball when I know you don't care about it with him.

Right.

Do you even have like a

compass?

Like you go,

you know what I tell people like that?

I started telling them it's very subtle, but it's very fun.

I go, you don't have a gag reflex, huh?

And they'll go like, what?

And then you're like, I just noticed I don't think you have a gag reflex.

And then they're like,

ow.

Right.

Because you're like, yeah, I'm watching you swallow log.

And you're just absolutely not even kind of tearing-eyed about it.

Just guzzling cum.

Because this will break.

Now that people have learned how to grift politically, that will break.

It all comes to an end.

your, if you're not doing genuinely you, what you like to do, God, it's over.

That's why I love watching people succeed that are genuinely, where you go, like, no, that's really him.

That's

it feels good.

Like, people do that with McDaniel.

They're like, is that is McDaniel, or I, the thing I hate is they'll be like, well, did Soder write that for you?

You go, let me tell you something about McDaniel.

That fucking weirdo, I would never be able to write for him.

I couldn't write.

He wouldn't write, do the jokes I told him, but he's genuinely himself.

And so it's fun to watch people go like, ah, I like him.

Right.

Because that's the thing.

People are going to not like you for being you.

And it's like, you might as well just do you.

In the age of the internet, you'll find, you'll hear it, just fucking know it.

If you know yourself, you're like, dad, they're not mad.

There's a part of me that feels bad for these people that are grifting because I go like, there has to be a moment that you're at home.

I mean, well, you weren't.

You're like, I'm a fraud.

Well, also, if I'm them, I'm aiming for like an amount of money where I can just like disappear.

Yes.

Like that, it doesn't seem like that's their goal.

Like, if that was the goal, it would actually make more sense.

I would respect that.

Right.

You go, okay, if I get to 100 million.

I'm gone.

Say la vie.

Goodbye.

I'll be on my island.

I'm out of here.

I'm going to be the dad.

I got my kids.

Yeah, but they want relevancy.

Right.

They want popularity.

The disease is that they, it's not about it.

Some people.

They want money and some people want to make money.

And like the people that want to make money are really fucking crazy.

Like, that's when, like, the, you know, like the, uh,

like like elon doing this right now

you go well why why not disappear man like why not just be you have the most money anyone's ever had in the history of the world right what what do you what you could literally live at a volcano you have the money to fund that what yeah right go live at a volcano you could pet a cat in a volcano doing making rockets that look like penises you could do austin powers sick and i would go sick good for him and this other direction i just don't have any understanding of it because i would be like if i could just kind of go to like

Like, what do you think you would do if you didn't have to do it all?

What do you mean?

If I just could make money and go away?

If you know, let's just say like tomorrow you could say you could name the things you do and never have to do anything else, never worry about money ever again.

What would the what would your schedule be?

Oh my god.

I mean probably just sleep in, eat breakfast, hang out with Katie, play video games.

Would you do stand-up still?

Yeah.

I love doing stand-up.

Would you do it?

Would you

like to do this?

Would you do this podcast?

No.

Okay.

And listen, I would be dead honest.

This is fun.

I love hanging out.

I love making stuff.

I love being funny.

I just like being funny in general.

And I do like doing a podcast.

But I do wish that I just sold tickets doing stand-ups.

Right.

But this helps.

And I understand that.

By the way, that's also probably why my career wasn't

where, you know, for a long time, was it where it should be?

Because I didn't do the things I didn't want to do.

I go, no, I just want to be funny.

I was like so stubborn about being like, well, I'm just going to be funny and then people will come.

I'll tell you the perspective.

Like, to me, this is what gets you stand-up.

You know, like, what do you mean?

To me, this is serving stand-up.

Yes, I think this is directly correlated.

Right.

Like, you.

I didn't think acting was.

I thought billions was very fun.

It was a very cool job.

Yeah.

Learned a lot.

met crazy interesting people.

Never felt like something that was mine.

Right.

And you don't.

Never felt like something of like, I can't wait to get on the next show.

I can't wait to get in the next movie.

I can't wait to do the next thing.

For a while, it kind of felt like, and I, and this is just the truth, it kind of felt like it, it made my stand-up take a step back.

Cause now people are going like, because when we see actors do stand-up, we go, oh, there's nothing left.

They're grabbing on to stand-up.

And when people started going like, oh, you started doing, dude, the night I got my HBO special.

Was at the comedy cellar.

I ran an hour for Nina at HBO.

She literally got done with the show and went to my agent.

We're going to give Dan an hour.

My agent came up to me and was like, you got the hour from HBO.

It's the greatest moment comedically of my career.

HBO was still the pinnacle.

It was unbelievable.

And there was a guy sitting in the booth

by the door to go downstairs, the booth next to the waiter station.

That's where I had the conversation with my agent.

And this guy's sitting there and he goes, you're on billions.

And I go, yeah, dude, I am.

Literally the greatest comedic moment of my life at that point.

And he goes, what are you doing here?

I go, I'm doing stand-up.

And he goes, are you trying stand-up?

And I was like, I just got an HBO special.

Like, I just got an HBO hour.

And I think I said that.

I go, I just got an HBO hour.

And he goes, well, that's cool if you just started doing it.

And you're like,

at that point, I was already doing it for 14 years.

But I'm not mad at the guy.

He doesn't know.

People want to know why comics, stand-up comics are like miserable.

And it's like, this is kind of why.

Well, it's because you just go like, oh, I don't think he's that funny.

Right.

I didn't like him that much on the show.

And you go, I guess the thing I care about the most in the entire world.

But then when you get over that, you're like, what am I complaining about?

I got health insurance.

I got to be on a fucking cool show for seven seasons.

Absolutely.

It's a great experience.

But you, you know, again, to go back to the premise of like.

If you didn't have to do anything, what would you do?

You wouldn't do that.

No.

You wouldn't go on a show.

You would do stand.

Like, I just think,

and I think like...

If I had to pick one lane, if everyone had to pick one lane, and you just go that lane and you'll get it, you don't have to.

You'll be okay with everything.

you'll 100 just be standing right and i do here's the thing i have a radio background i liked doing radio yeah i got fortunate that podcasting blew up i do love i like i have fun doing this but if you were to like give me a situation where you're like you can only do one thing i would do stand-up no i i i completely like i wouldn't change what about you i would i wouldn't change a thing in my life like i like I get to go do stand-up.

I like doing the podcasts I do.

I like get like.

Yeah, I'm very, we're very fortunate.

That's also the thing that I'm sick of is watching comics try to complain.

Well, Well, that's that's what's so crazy is like we're seeing people that are like doing all these other things and you're like

you have a billion dollars.

Yeah, like

I have a number.

I have a number and I'd go away.

Right.

I have a number.

If I ever hit that number, you just won't see me anymore.

Right.

It's flat out.

Flat out.

I'll just walk into

Denver,

gas station,

soda, big long beer.

Just doing the crossword.

Can I help you?

Were you on billions?

I go, son of a a bitch pump five is out

get the i just pull a gun out in front of the register son you got about five seconds to get the out of my gas station but i i really feel like um

like i've i've said on podcasts that i want to stop doing stand-up by 60 and like people are blown away by that and i'm like well that gives me 18 more years to really push it to give me a like

if i'm lucky enough to make it to 60 then i want to be pushing it it because it'll make my best stuff.

And then when I'm 60, like I still might do stand-up shows, but I won't be.

I kind of want the Ron.

That guy seems like he has the great.

Bennington?

Not Bennington.

Ron White.

Ron White?

Yeah, like retired.

He retired, but he kind of floats in and out of stand-up.

He just always lives.

He's the man.

He looks like he's

a man.

He's a good-looking fat guy.

Well, now he's like,

now he's like tanned.

He's got the long white beard.

But he wears his stomach well he just is the man yeah's just the man he just hangs out the mother's thing about him yeah you know what's in he's like i'm just gonna do my set right does his set by the way cool as fuck you talk to him you're like you're the fucking he's still drinking he just hangs yeah just he's just like whatever bro he kind of like drifts in like the wind it's yeah yeah that's the way to go it's awesome i i we need to start pushing retirement right we need to we need to start pushing these people that are living comfortably but they're not fucking like pushing it right like i don't by the way i mean in every aspect.

CEOs need to retire.

Politicians need to retire.

Old entertainers need to retire.

Football coaches need to retire.

Everybody that's old that did the thing.

Well, this is the big, this is the boomer problem that no one really like acknowledges.

The boomer, I say this to my mom all the time.

I go, your generation isn't letting up.

They're holding on for dear life.

With a.

I remember I once told my dad, I was like, yeah, you're like old.

He was like, whoa, it was like the most offensive thing that I've ever said to him.

And you're not looking around.

Right.

Like, you don't.

Dude, it's crazy.

And I'm going to blame Gen X.

Why the fuck haven't you guys kicked them out yet?

Well, Gen X

kind of escapes.

They're like the one we don't talk about.

Yeah, it goes to Millennials.

They immediately shit on us.

Well, Gen X didn't never took, like, they were all, you know, wearing the, you know, the plaids and not getting in, you know,

culture.

Thank you for grunge.

They never got political.

They never got like aspirational.

And then they brought up a generation of Gen Z, a bunch of fucking dickheads.

Yeah, who are

mean and Gen Z is mean.

And if you're mean back to them, they get very upset.

Very upset and tell you that you're, you know,

alpha victim you.

This one guy, I was at the Village Underground.

I was on a stairwell and this like younger guy was like drunk and he was like kind of being aggressive with this couple.

I don't know if he knew him or whatever, but I just grabbed him by his arm and moved him.

And it was, he acted shocking.

He was like, what are you doing?

And I was like, dog, you were about to push these, this couple down the stairs.

Right.

Like, what the fuck?

Move.

I was like, chill out.

All I said to him was chill out like six times.

And he was like,

and he was like a 22-year-old kid.

And you're like, you fucking pussy.

You were about to be physically aggressive.

And then all I did was grab you and move you to the side.

And he acted like I raped him.

Yeah, graped him.

They can't even hear the word rape.

They have to call it grape.

And I don't know why.

Yeah.

Kill yourself.

If you can't hear suicide, time to end it well it's like millennials were told you could be anything you want to be and then were like grossly disappointed with the reality yeah and then gen z was told get your fucking money and don't fucking listen to anyone and tell them to go fuck themselves and then selling out is cool right and then they went on tick tock and they found out they could make money by making a minute video so they go story time and then they sit there and tell a long story that could should have taken 30 seconds but it took a minute so they could make the dough and it's like now we're just like living under their thumb and it's also that whole get the bag mentality has ruined so many celebrities for me yeah because it's exactly what you were talking i know you're rich why are you doing this commercial what do you need it for matthew mcconaughey why are you doing uber eats again why are you doing uber eats he just likes making money like that he doesn't want to he doesn't want to be rich he doesn't want money he wants there ain't nothing more cooler than just getting another paycheck to push a product it's probably going to bring you cancer ai anybody that's in bed with ai

you well hold on all those crypto people larry i mean larry david was in that crypto commercial oh yeah everyone just like casually forgets that they wear t-shirts it's like walking in your dad jerking off you're like yo i don't want to ever see that the whole commercial was about how he was wrong about everything yeah and then he ended up being wrong it was like the crypto thing that like they all went but it was the samuel bankman freed thing yeah it was the um it was the fortune favors the bold matt damon right for matt damon you're like matt Damon, can you please respond?

I love you so much.

You used me to sell crypto.

Brady and Giselle.

They all did it.

And we all just kind of forgot.

Do you think celebrities are going to feel that pushback when the gambling epidemic hits?

No, no.

No one's going to be like, hey, Kevin Hart, why did you make seven?

Hey, LeBron, why were you doing draft king commercials during?

They've all gotten too rich to feel any pain.

There's no pain to be felt.

You can get rich.

You can make your way out of cancellation.

Damn, the revolution's going to be bloody.

It's going to be bloody.

It's starting to look that way.

And that's not politics, baby.

That's human civilization.

Right.

Like, I mean, like, listen, when I saw the Kelsey brothers got $50 million to do $100 million to do a podcast,

you're like, wait a minute.

If you think of it in our terms, we're like, we train to be good speakers, funny hosts, commentator.

Dude, I go.

Do you know how much I just interrupted you?

Do you know how much that's going to bother me that I cut people off on my podcast because I get so excited for jokes?

And people are right with their criticisms.

I'm a stomper, baby.

Been a stomper my whole life.

I want to be funny.

If I have a funny thought, I want to shoot it out my mouth asshole.

You stop.

You stop me to make your stomping point.

I stomped to make the stomping point.

But you're right.

We train.

We like think about this.

We think about this.

And the idea that we trained at all is like, we're the fucking idiots.

We're the losers.

We should have became Hall of Fame NFL players.

Then we could have had a talk show.

Like, isn't that crazy?

Don't you think that's like

kind of baiting

the losers?

Like, aren't you like messing?

They're like, you're good at, you weren't good at football and you can't even make 100 million podcasting?

And you go, well, no.

Kind of sucked at football.

I guess I suck at podcasting, too.

Jesus Jesus Christ.

I'm fighting too.

Tori spelling.

I'm fighting two spells.

I'm dating ads.

Torrey spelling.

I'm like stressed on how I'm going to sell these dates coming up.

I'm like, I don't know.

And then these people are like, yeah.

Well, after I won my eighth Olympic medal, I thought, I'm too sad.

Let me podcast.

Here's what you got to do.

You want to sell some tickets?

Yeah.

Start punting.

Can I tell you right now?

Become a good punter.

And then do.

Do stand-up comedy.

You know, this guy did stand-up.

He used us.

Who Pat McCaffrey is?

Yeah, he used us.

All of a a sudden he's doing stand-up yeah he was doing he he didn't give a about the stand-up community forgot he did stand up he did stand up i saw him interview someone this is when i knew this guy's a fraud i saw him interview he interviewed someone oh that's not the way to talk about the boys my boys we're talking about the boys don't be a gift talk about a grifter yeah this guy he goes he was interviewing someone and he was like hey what's on your notes section He asked the guy, I can't remember, he goes, what's on your notes?

His big fun question on his interview show, tell us what's on your notes.

And the guy was like, what?

What do you mean on my notes?

He goes, the notes app on your phone.

You know, my, my notes ad, I got like two stand-up sets.

And I go, I was like, and like, I rewound it.

I was like, two stand-ups.

That's not how any stand-up comedian talks about.

He's like, I got two, two,

I got my sketches on my phone.

You know, that's not what they're called at all.

I want to watch his stand-up now.

Is it out there?

I just remember him doing theater shows.

And it's not, here's what makes me upset about it.

It's not like he has like this fun group of young comics to come through his show to give them opportunities.

Like he cares about the stand-up order.

He doesn't give a shit about us.

He cares about young punters.

But by the way,

I'm saying, listen, that's his people.

Our people.

So stand-up's always been like that.

Right.

We're the losers.

We are the last stop on the like, hey, I need relevancy.

Colin Quinn says it all the time.

He's like, when stand-up's cool, it's that it's worst.

It's the worst.

And he's like, when it's not cool, that's worse.

It's not supposed to be cool.

We're losing.

He's right.

He's right.

And it's like, that's why when people go bankrupt, they come to us.

Yeah.

Pivin just showed up at the door.

I mean, and then, by the way, and now you would think started

all the open mics, man.

All the open mics, doing check spots, going on the road as an MC, as a feature, really doing it.

He's driving headliners all the way to Schenectady.

You know what it is?

It really is like you marry the love of your life.

And then some guy's like, yeah,

she sucked me off in a bathroom and you go, Christ.

What the fuck is this?

Jesus, man.

Okay.

But

people are getting sick of stand-up, so don't worry.

It'll be unpopular.

Yeah,

I can tell it's losing its luster for.

Yeah.

You can kind of feel it.

Because I make this point.

I say this to Katie all the time.

You know what fucked us?

MTV going away.

Because it eliminated, there's a lot of people in this business that in stand-up that should be VJs.

That was where their career opportunity was.

And then they should have been on entertainment tonight.

John Candy would have been 75.

And instead they're doing 3,000 seat theaters going like, do I like him?

Or does he have bricks in his apartment?

And you're like, oh, oh, fuck me.

And they don't even know.

Like, the thing is, I don't think people care.

Like, I think a lot of people, like...

They don't give a shit.

You know, the TikTokers,

the audience just wants to be in the room with them.

Yeah.

Which I can't, you can't really get mad at.

Like, I kind of like, I go.

Listen, it's fun to complain.

It's fun for you to be with someone that you love watching on a daily basis.

Like, I actually like.

It's fun sitting on a couch complaining with you about it.

It doesn't really bother me because once you realize that, you go, there's no point.

No, it doesn't matter.

I ate, listen, I did a room in New Jersey last week.

110 people.

You ever do that dojo?

Oh, it's great.

It's a great room.

And it's like, that's like a night.

I did two shows there, got to work on stuff, got some new stuff out of it.

You guys at the seller last night.

This is fun, right?

And I, and I was like, I had a night at the seller, or I had a night at a New York comedy club on Sunday.

I was like, oh, shit, I got like a new thing I can like chew on.

And I was like, it is so interesting that like when you have that, you go, ah, this is what makes me feel good.

Like, you know,

listen, it's obviously.

It's easy to talk shit.

It's easy to talk shit.

It's fun to talk shit.

Yes.

But at the end of the day, I'm fucking crazy lucky.

And I would go on

the TV show tomorrow.

I'd go kick footballs with that big fucking lunatic.

Are you kidding me?

Show me your shoulders.

Watch me kick this thing.

Him and his group of look-alikes from different parts of the country.

Yeah, that he's just...

What if he's just harvesting them for organs?

You know what's funny is they all have the same blood type.

That's going to be the rumor I started about the Pat McAfee show.

Yeah, they're all.

I go, you know, they're all O-positive.

So in case he loses a kidney or whatever, one of them.

He found it.

The guy in the cowboy hat's going to lose a kidney.

Right.

Cowboy hat.

Need your stem cells.

Now.

Pat's got to juice up.

It's for the boys.

I'm using some of your tendons from your knee for the boys.

I just look at stuff.

I watch that show.

I'm like, what a bunch of fucking losers.

I've never, I've never been.

Honestly, I keep it on.

It's like, you know, it does that thing where you're like, I'm lonely.

I'm lonely during the day.

I'm just happy to hear the chatter.

I go, what's going on with the Niners?

Football.

I love it.

I love it.

There is a part of me that still loves it.

I go, I get it, but I love it.

Also, Katie beat him in Madden.

Good for her.

On ESPN.

You can look it up.

I was in the room.

What time is it right now?

It's time for us to go.

What time is it?

5.02.

Oh, I got to get going.

I'm supposed to interview The Bachelor.

Are you really?

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

What time?

Now?

I might have to get on your Zoom here if you don't mind.

Dude, do it.

Get on the Zoom.

Get on the thing.

Jared Freed.

Oh, I got a half hour.

I got to go.

Jared Freed.

Thank you for having me.

Listen to his podcast.

Watch his.

You got a new special coming out soon.

Specials on Netflix now.

Hopefully the new one.

Already a special, but there's another one.

There's another one coming about my parents.

Jared Freed.

That's got Jared Freed.

He's the man I should have introduced him first.

Don't worry about it.

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