77: Texas Soil with Rosebud Baker | Soder Podcast | EP 75

Hey everybody, it's Dan Soder.

You know that.

You're on my Instagram.

Why would I say my full name?

Am I wearing a wire?

Spokane, Washington.

May 1st through the 3rd, I'm going to be at the Spokane Comedy Club doing five shows.

I love that town.

I love that club, so I'm excited to get back.

May 15th, I will be at the egg in Albany, New York.

So go get tickets at dansoder.com.

May 16th, I'm going to be at the Flynn Theater in Burlington, Vermont.

Burlington, I know you're a tiny, sleepy town, but I love coming and doing comedy there.

So please buy tickets to see me at the Flynn May 16th.

It's going to be a hell of a show.

DanceOder.com for tickets.

And don't forget, special announcement coming up about shows soon.

I should tell people, Roseboy Baker has a very funny special on Netflix right now that you should go stream.

Yeah.

Go watch.

Mother Load.

Mother Load, which is great.

I'm going to take out this Werthers because

I want to be doing this to people.

We got a whole bowl of them in the other room.

So get a pocket full of them before you go back.

Lauren will be like, Rosebud,

I noticed in the room that you were eating a lot of Werther's Original.

Only allowed popcorn.

Dana loves Werther's Original.

I forget where I was on the road.

I think you were on the road with me, right?

When we were doing the African shaman, just an African guy walking around going, I don't like you.

Saying I can hire some African guy to talk honest to other comics.

Don does not like you.

He does not think you are funny.

And they go, hey, did you order, did you like

tell your shaman to tell me I'm not funny?

And I'm like, oh, did he do that?

And then I had Lauren going, Lauren Michaels going, like,

Dana had a shaman.

It didn't work out.

When I told, you know, I had to tell Lauren that I was pregnant.

How did that go?

They made me go into his office to tell him.

Did he sit with his back to you?

Yeah, he spun around with a cat.

It was odd because I'd never had a conversation with him before in my life.

So it felt like your first conversation with Lauren Michaels.

Was telling him I was pregnant, which feels automatically like I'm telling him it's his.

Yeah.

He goes, Do you know what I mean?

I usually finish on your tits.

I'm going like, impossible.

I was like, why am I telling him that?

My load accuracy is off the track.

I never miss the tits.

Belushi taught me a trick on how to come exclusively on tits.

So when you go in there, is it like his hot assistants?

He has like nine assistants that are all in a line.

And if you don't know about that, Lauren Michaels just always has like beautiful, gorgeous, young women that are just breaking hearts across New York City.

Right.

Yeah, but also are related to the most powerful people you've ever heard of.

That's so funny.

Yeah.

Have you ever had one of that?

Have you guys ever had it a relate-off with like one of the, where she goes, actually, my grandfather's Sirhan Sirhan.

And you go, my grandfather might have dealt with him in the past.

You guys do like a

hand, I put my fingers together.

Actually.

Do you remember Nicaragua in 86?

Well, no, because my granddad now is like,

even physically, is like.

almost a representation of the Republican Party that he came from.

Oh, it's where it's like he's fallen down the stairs twice, his back's broken.

You know know what I mean?

Like he's like,

I look at him and I go, well, that's your, your whole party is that.

Yeah.

Like you're like a...

The MAGAs would call you like a gay liberal.

Yeah, because you're like, oh, what are you, a centrist?

You pussy?

No, because you use a cane.

That's so funny.

Strong men walk.

Strong.

It would be one of those alpha motivational videos.

Your grandfather should do one of those wake-up videos where he's got tape over his mouth.

And then he's like,

dips his face in your knife.

It's 347, but it's actually an old man wake-up video.

It's just him screaming at the I just saw this yesterday.

3.48 in the morning.

Just saying the name of an old friend that died.

Charles!

Charles!

She's him in the room.

And there's this Jamaican nurse being like,

she hoists him off the bed.

Dude, old people wake up videos?

That has to be the new trend.

The Jamaican nurse throws ice onto them yeah that's what it is yeah stop it you went on the sheets again and it's four more minutes of screaming now I got to clean up your whole bed cuz you're pissed everywhere

and it's like 352 him finally calming down you hear the diaper it's ASMR you hear the diaper getting ripped off

And that's her voiceover.

A lot of the times in this situation, I like to powder his butt.

That way there's no diaper rush

that's so funny oh my god

generic geriatric wake up

yeah so funny it's biohacking for people who are already dead

one more day alive oh my friend

I lost him in the Korean War and you go oh fuck so first off Andy told me the funniest story about your grandpa Oh God.

Andy Haynes, her husband, who's been on the show,

was hanging out with your grandpa, and your grandpa pointed out like a something.

And he goes, YA gave me that.

And then he looks at Andy like a test, and he goes, You know who that is?

And Andy goes, Yasa Farif.

Yeah,

and he goes, Good job.

Yeah, no, he got really proud of that.

Andy was like, I walked out of the house.

And he was like, it was a big win for Andy.

I love that.

Yeah.

I love the big win for Andy.

I love Andy.

He was like, he's invited back to the house without me next time.

You know what I mean?

That's what I told Andy.

I go, get Rosebud away from him and ask stories.

Yeah.

Because Because you have limited time.

Yeah.

Your grandpa's old.

Yeah.

And

he's not going to tell me the stories.

No, because you're his sweet little angel.

You're his rose.

Right, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're his little sweet granddaughter.

It's odd, though, because

I don't know if I should even share that.

Okay, whatever.

We can edit it out.

He was, um, no, so like, yeah, I'm like his sweet little angel, but I've, I've heard these random stories over the last like two years where like, I remember like when I got tits, I came around the house and we were having a family reunion and everybody was like very concerned if i was yet and they were like asking my parents if i was like that's that's which is such an odd thing to it's a form of love that i've never experienced yeah which is truly like fiefdom like where they're kind of like who sired her yes yeah yeah has she been deflowers and you're like i don't know it's it's the 90s it's like the early 2000s my mom was so creeped out by it and then i remember like having Minnow and going to the place to like introduce her.

And the first question was like, are you nursing?

And I was like, don't say nursing.

But they're so, they're from a different time.

That's why I was saying like, Andy's got to get, because we don't respect our elders anymore in this country.

Yeah.

We like, we, we almost like mistreat them at a crazy rate.

But there are things that they say where you go like, well, this is very interesting.

Yeah.

Like, I like, tell me, because we're going to see shit.

shit like when you're a grandmother yeah you're your grandkids gonna come to you and be like you lived before the internet right and you're like yeah my kids gonna be saying that because i'm fucking so old

you're like i'm your mom

i'm your mom yeah yeah but that i mean there is there's like a lot of the stuff we're like missing because we're like shut the fuck up grandma yeah no i think uh i think honestly just to they're all kind of autistic in a way because they'll just ask you the question like straight out to to see somebody with a baby and immediately go are you breast yeah tit to mouth yeah you go excuse me grandpa

yeah i i mean i just lied yeah i look i told him that i was even though i never did a day in my life that's so funny and i never planned to go oh yes sir yes it's a beautiful experience really we're bonding but you see it even with our parents they say shit because like our parents you know uh were alive for civil rights, for Vietnam.

You would think that they're pretty progressive.

Yeah.

But Katie and I were visiting my mom for Christmas and we were watching the Beyonce halftime show of the Texans game.

And my mom goes, I don't see one white dancer.

And you go,

what's up?

And then she had like fat girl dancers.

And my mom goes, a lot of big girls dancing.

And you're like, all right, lady.

And you're like, my mom's really liberal.

She's not even saying anything bad.

She's legit.

She's just addressing something she's seeing that's odd to her.

It's historical autism.

It's just like if you're old enough, because now everyone can diagnose to get out of being an asshole.

They were just assholes.

They were just like, I'm just going to say some asshole shit.

Right.

And then I'll not get cards.

So I feel like you have a limited time with your grandpa.

Yeah.

And I think.

And he's interesting.

He's crazy interesting.

Yeah.

I think Andy's the only one who would actually,

because he's always been my granddad, I'm not that interested.

Sure.

But I think if Andy sat down with him, Andy could tell me that would make me go oh that is interesting i never even thought to ask him that also andy has skee bum energy which is the very like

the sun the sun can burn you you know they have like that like it's almost surfer energy where he's like what was it like in central america oh yeah he has so many questions yeah and they but not in a way of like um that would make your grandfather feel threatened like a journalist no like what made you take down necro like no andy would be like oh were you like mad when they did that right and he'd be like well some

i could get upset you know like andy's the perfect conduit he really get the info out of because he'll be like whoa

the way he reacts and your grandpa's not gonna be like what are you spilling this to the media he's just gonna be like well son that's how shit went andy's the only guy who quit smoking weed and got more curious yeah you know like he's like more curious it like set him off and then he's like i'm gonna ask all the questions i'm gonna ask every question that comes into my brain yeah whenever it comes into my brain.

Because of your grandfather, have you ever met like

Bush?

Yeah.

W?

Both.

Both of them.

Yeah.

Because my uncle worked for W.

Really?

Yeah.

He's got a nickname.

That's how you know, if, that's how you know W knows you.

Yeah.

If W gives you a nickname.

Absolutely.

Calls my uncle MCAT.

MCAT.

Hey, MCAT.

What?

Yeah, Mark McKinnon.

Shut up.

Yeah, it's my uncle.

Oh, my God.

Okay, all right.

So I don't know if I've met your uncle, but people in politics know each other, especially the Republican Party.

For sure.

Very small.

But yeah,

he's uncle by marriage.

Yeah.

And he's the man.

That's so funny.

There's a great show on Showtime called The Circus that he did.

That's such a fucking

W nickname, too.

Every nickname that he gives is like, it sounds like a machine, like a type of machine.

That's so funny.

You know what I mean?

This guy's Plowser.

And you go, Plowser?

And he goes, it's a mix of a dozer and a plow.

And you go, sure, he is like, it's so funny because everyone hates Trump so much right now.

But if you remember like in 04, how much everyone hated Bush?

And now you look back to him and you're like, oh, he's just like a fun party boy.

Oh, yeah.

He's like, I don't know, man.

Fuck sit down.

I'm saying sweet little clown.

Yeah.

Did you ever meet Cheney?

I don't remember meeting Cheney.

No.

I mean, I was probably in a room with him.

I've asked my uncle many, many times, like, what's Cheney like?

And he was like, dude, I worked both 2000, 2004 campaigns.

He worked on the campaigns.

He didn't work in the administration.

But he was like, I met Cheney eight times.

Yeah.

He said the energy in the room would change when he would come in, like in an evil way.

Like he was like, he was, it was creepy.

He was a dark cloud.

Yeah.

He's just coming in and be like,

yeah.

All of a sudden, a wind blows in the room.

Just crows her outside.

And that's why it was funny watching liberals with Kamala be like,

Liz Cheney is the hero.

And you're like, you forget her father's like one of the most evil motherfuckers of all her life.

So crazy but it's true it's like if you can make liz chaney look like a fucking angel yeah you have you've you've upped the game yeah dude the game is changing

that's what makes you and honestly that's probably got to be a part of getting old is you watch shit change in a way that you're like well i didn't see it going that way no and it's starting to happen to all of us like all of our friends where we're you're a mom you know i'm in my 40s and and we're we're doing the aunt and uncle thing so we're not having kids but it changes in a way where you go like, oh, I'm old.

Yeah.

Like I see stuff.

I was trying to do this as a joke and it didn't work where you like start realizing conservative viewpoints.

You're in college.

You're like, everyone should have health care.

Everyone should be taken care of.

Everyone's mean.

Right.

And then you get in your 40s and you go, I just don't think eight-year-olds should be cutting their dicks off.

And they're like, what?

Are you a Republican?

And you're like, is that bad?

I genuinely thought I was being like caring and being like, well, then you give it time and think about it.

And maybe then.

And they're like, you bigot.

And you're like, what's happening?

Like, I didn't know.

I was genuinely thinking it was like a rational idea.

I was trying to be nice.

Why are you so mad at me?

It's a lady in blue hair being like, you fucking bigot.

And you're like, I didn't know.

I'm trying.

Yeah, it's crazy.

You know, it's really, it really is an insane thing to kind of look around and realize.

And you start to hear references and you sort of nod along to them and you have no idea what anybody's talking about.

You know what?

The one that got me where I was like, fucking hang it up, dude.

Hang it up was Skibibi.

Skibbity toilet.

Skibity toilet.

I was like, put a gun in my mouth.

I have no idea what that means.

But here's the thing.

My whole life.

Have you seen the video?

No.

Okay, well, I'm going to show you the video.

Okay, for the video.

Because you need to see it.

Because if you haven't,

if you're confused having just heard it, you're going to be so much more confused by seeing

what it is.

This doesn't help at all.

No, it's going to make you feel so much worse.

Because that's the thing I would say to

the young listeners right now:

there will be a moment, a watershed moment, where you go, I'm too old to even understand the reference.

Yeah, no, but even if you do understand the reference, you're going to be, this is what makes you go, oh, it really is over.

Yeah, it's weird as fuck.

But it makes my stomach hurt.

Let me tell you what it is.

It makes me,

because we grew up with the internet, I think we have, especially our generation, like older millennials, we have a more like

understanding of we allow weird shit to come in.

Right.

Where we go, okay, this is weird.

Right.

Once I've established it.

But also, like, so was Salad Fingers.

Yes.

You know, yeah.

But all the stuff that ever came out on the internet, you'd have to like take time to go, like, I don't get it, but I'll watch it again and then I'll have a better understanding of it.

right i still don't get it but i kind of understand that like all right it's this is a weird i thought it was like slang that's what i was upset about i thought it was like cool slang i think it is it it's both a it's both slang

i'm fucking cooked

it's both slang and it's slang that comes from this video god damn it but it's this video gives me like the same feeling as like watching those two brothers fuck in white lotus where i'm I'm like, I'm ill.

Yeah.

This makes me ill.

This upsets me and I'm upsets me on a level that I'm like, did something happen to me?

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I am trying to hold on to not feeling completely detached.

Yeah.

Because it is also really also the thing about young people, and I remember being this way in my 20s is you want old people to go away.

You want to be like, you don't fucking get it.

Yeah.

You're in your 40s.

Yeah.

You don't get it.

Now you're in your 40s and you go, I'm fucking You're like, I'm going to get it.

I'm going to fucking try it.

You're just holding on to it.

But I think we should all just sort of embrace it and sort of fall into

just like disappear.

Yeah.

You know?

Well, do you think your daughter's eye is doing that fucking twitch?

You know, when your eye happens to me all the time

when you shut and you can feel it going.

Yeah.

You know what they say?

I've read sometimes is that

from potassium?

Lack of calcium.

I had calcium last night.

I ate the little gummies.

You did?

Yeah, whatever.

Anyway, we're talking about getting old and I'm like, my eye won't stop twitching

now those and now those elderly wake-up videos are starting to make more sense

we're like this is my vitamin for my bones yeah

it's instead of tape it's just your nephew holding a pillow over your ear

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Do you think your daughter is going to be the generation that like you're going to watch her go like, mom, we're not on social media anymore.

Your generation fucked that up.

I really hope so.

I've been kind of holding on to that, like hoping, because I've been worrying so much about the phones that I'm like, why am I worrying about this?

It could completely,

that's what I mean with like history changes.

Like we think like, oh, they'll be on Twitter in 20 years.

Yeah.

Like, oh, and then you see like, how Elon's collapsed Twitter and you're like, oh, Twitter might not even, I had a joke where I was like, oh, bringing bringing up old tweets.

And then even that, I'm like, well, I can't even reference.

Now I have to say like posts online.

Yeah.

Cause this shit might be gone in two years.

Yeah.

But I also feel like your generate, your daughter's generation might just be like, well, yeah, it was damaging and you guys didn't see how damaging it was.

So we had to stop doing that.

Right.

Because kids now get flip phones where they can download music.

Right.

And that's all they want.

And I'm kind of like, that's probably a better way to go.

Badass.

Yeah.

I hope to God that that's what happens because I'm like, you know, there's all all this like there's like books about how like screen time is gonna fuck your kid up and it's like all this shit But then you're like trying to change a diaper and they're walking and you're like I I'm gonna get shit on the carpet if I don't put a fucking screen on does she do Do you guys like restaurant if she's missed?

Let me tell you something She we had to go to the hospital.

She's fine.

We had to go to the hospital a few weeks ago.

She had a UTI from you know being a whore and

absolutely

in Phoenix house by the time she's a bad person.

And we had to, she's going to be.

She's being a horrible, horrible person.

And we go to the hospital and she had to get a catheter.

And I was like,

how the fuck do I do this?

And I was like, Miss Rachel.

It's basically,

it's basically anesthesia.

I mean, I've watched with our niece, you know, Thanksgiving, we stay in like an Airbnb or whatever.

And I've watched when she's like, she's like starting to talk and walk now.

And they'll hit that bluey theme yeah and bluey and they'll be and she'll just be like

if you can like if you can give a child a cat like if you can catheterize a child while watching something it can't be good for them that's that's how I as a as someone that's been had a catheter it is one of the worst experiences right because they just they're literally putting a tube up your peehole yeah and if if I was like young enough that I could just watch like WWF and be like

and they're like it's in you'd be like oh is it I was watching a cage man never felt it and they push on your stomach for the piss and you go oh which by the way no one tells you this with a catheter you get none of the joy of peeing no you don't because it's through a tube yeah so you don't actually your nerves don't feel growing yeah no they gave me one after a c-section oh i didn't realize they and yeah and they push on your stomach to make the piss go yeah but i was kind of like i can't really i still had like fucking fentanyl in my system or something i didn't know what i was on but i couldn't they give you fentanyl is all right i'm a propofol boy yeah you're more propofol I just got a I got the I got fucking spit roasted by my doctor I got the colonoscopy and the endoscopy and boy oh boy Andy came home from that I came home I woke up Katie picked me up and I was like

kissed me on both cheeks yeah my little bambina

Andy doesn't get that treatment anymore I was like you're on propofol make it make your way home by yourself get fucking home I was like get a doctor to do their job and walk you out let me ask you a disgusting modern era parent question.

Yeah, go for it.

Do you have your daughter's

handles on like Instagram?

Did you go reserve it?

Like at

the full name?

No.

Got to go get it, dude.

I was like, I'm not doing that.

I can't do it for her.

I don't want her on it.

Go get her a Gmail.

I'm not going to let her on it.

Get her at least an email.

Get her the Gmail.

I'll get her an email.

Yeah.

Get her Gmail.

Yeah, I'll do that.

Also.

But also, her name is fucking minnow.

I'm like, I think she's fine.

Yeah, but what would be great is if you have it and then you can stop her from getting online because she's like, I went to sign up on Instagram and I can't get my own name.

And if you have it and you go, well, let's make a little agreement.

Yeah.

I'll give you the name, but I'm going to monitor how much you're on it.

Yeah.

That's kids are all going to be about branding in like 20 years.

I mean, I don't know how I'm going to pull this off.

I haven't really thought through it, but I was like, literally like, I'm just going to say no.

I'm just going to be like, you absolutely can't have social media.

But can I, devil's advocate?

Yeah.

You're going to push her towards it.

That's what, that's what everybody's saying, but I'm like.

My mom told me not not to smoke cigarettes.

My favorite thing in the world is smoking cigarettes.

Yeah.

Still is.

I've quit for 12 years.

But I feel like if I, I'm going to find a way to do it.

I'm going to find a way to like either scare her away from it.

I'm going to be like, you can do it.

Yeah.

But it does, it tricks your brain.

Yes.

That is a good way of saying it.

And you

can do it, but it's going to trick your brain into thinking you need it.

Get her handles and then

you'll have something over her.

Leverage.

Yeah.

If your grandfather taught you anything, leverage.

You use leverage against your enemies.

That wasn't, there was no negotiating in my family.

There was no leverage.

You're not doing it.

We just do.

You're not fucking doing it.

You're from Texas.

No, I'm from D.C.

Oh, yeah.

Why did I think my family's all from Texas?

Is that a clash of cultures?

It's so insane because

Texans are like, they're lunatics.

Like, my granddad showed up to put Texas soil under the hospital bed when I was born.

No way.

To make it that I born, that I was born on Texas soil.

Like that's how crazy they are.

Yeah.

Did all your siblings get the dirt treatment?

No, you know, there was too many of them.

But like that's that was.

Are you the oldest?

Yeah.

So you were the first one.

So he brought a box of dirt.

A box of dirt from Texas.

Put it under the hospital bed.

Well, there, now she could be born on Texas soil.

Yeah.

That's wild.

Yeah.

So it was like, I'm from D.C.

We're in Washington, D.C.

And he's like, here we go.

It was really.

When you were little and you guys would go down there, that's got to be fun, though, because you're like, look how different shit is.

I loved Texas.

I loved it.

There was like a period of time where I was like faking an accent.

You know what I mean?

I was like pretending I was from there.

Nothing's better.

You know, I would go to summer camp.

I'd come back.

I'd be like, I'm different now.

That's so fun.

How long did you hold the fake accent for?

I would hold it for months.

I would hold it for months.

I was really into it.

I was like, because I would go to Texas.

I was like, my whole family's from here.

I spend a month here every summer.

I'm basically from Texas.

So funny.

By the way, don't feel bad.

I would do that with San Francisco.

Yeah.

I would go visit my dad in San Francisco and San Francisco in the 90s was like the coolest city in the world.

Yeah.

Especially when you live in fucking Denver.

Right.

Denver's cool now.

Denver in the 90s was like awesome.

It was just, it was just like a boring Cowtown.

Yeah.

So I'd come back from San Francisco and be like, yeah, it's a little, this is how they do things in the Bay Area.

Right, right, right, yeah.

And I'd be like, oh, you, what's up, Mork?

Like, trying to target a San Francisco guy is going to be like, what the fuck are you talking about?

You're from Aurora.

Northern Virginia, they don't have an accent.

Nothing fucking, nothing goes on in Northern Virginia.

People like move there for a couple of years, then they move out while their parents are working at the White House or whatever.

And then they fucking leave.

So I would just be like, it's fun to be, you know, when you're a kid, you do dumb shit too.

You're like, I'm just going to be this person this year.

Yeah, this is, this is my identity for the year.

Yeah.

I saw that in real time as an adult.

I might have told the story on the podcast.

If I have, we can edit it out.

But when I worked at Dos Caminos when I was a waiter, there was a hostess that started, and she had a British accent.

She was a black woman with a British accent.

Great.

Or whatever.

Hot.

Yeah, she was, she was, you know, she was not that attractive.

But she was

a little bit.

But she was like, she's like, oh, lovely.

But that's all I knew of her.

It was like getting the menus.

You know, if I did lunches, so I would like walk the table a lot of times.

And she'd be like, oh, thank you, Dunn.

Oh, that's going to like 311 and then this girl rose who i was friends with

from east london started working at the restaurant turns out black girl didn't have a real british accent and they had the moment where she was like oh you're from london where are you from in london i'm from east london and the girl goes oh i'm like american accent oh my boyfriend is from london and it just like rubs off

in that moment i was like oh there's like me and two other waiters waiting to see it hilaria baldwin yes that's exactly it it's like oh you say and you're like shut the fuck that's great but that moment dude it went like you know how waiters yeah gossip and they're like

crazy it was like when rose that's the whole appeal of the job yes it's just you ask how much money you ask the most inappropriate questions yeah when you're a waiter you when you see a waiter in the morning you go how much did you make last night who did you

how drunk did you get those are like the three questions yeah where you go what'd you walk with you're like 200 it's pretty good did you look up with the bar bag?

And then they're like, yeah.

And you go, where were you guys?

Was you guys at Fuzzy's?

It's always like a bar where you're like...

Boss doing Coke in the back?

Did you see that?

People keep messaging me that they want a podcast about like waiters because of all that shit.

And I would love to, but it's so inside baseball.

But waiters.

So nobody's going to talk about their job that they currently have publicly.

Yes.

Like, I mean, if that was the case, we would be shitting on so many comics.

Yeah.

I mean, I kind of want to just put up a Patreon.

It's like the whole thing.

I avoided the writer's documentary on Peacock.

I was like, no, I would like to keep this job.

I would love to

start a

Patreon called Declassified.

Right.

And it's just all the clips of my podcast with the names left in.

Dude.

Unredacted.

Where they go, I'll tell you this.

I would love that.

Every comic would watch it.

That would be the only podcast comics would actually listen to.

They go, dude, you're through the roof, but only with comics.

Everyone's listening.

But waiters, when you wait tables, you just ask the most inappropriate questions.

Yeah.

Because you're all put in an environment where it's like max stress

for like two hours and then boring again.

So it's like boring prep,

crazy shit.

Right.

Back to zero.

But even

once you leave that like crazy period of time, you're all sort of dissociative.

Yes.

You're all just like, get me fucked up.

Yes.

It's like a flashbang went off and you're like trying to get back and then you go to the you go to the bar nearest your restaurant where they hook you up with like two dollar bud lights.

You walk in there just searching for the curb after the car wreck.

You're like give me something.

There's just blood coming down my ear and I'm like is Eric here?

And he's asking for my friends.

Dude,

one of the greatest moments of my life was, and I told, I definitely told a story on the bonfire, but because Christine, Jay's girlfriend and our producer, you know, producer of the bonfire, she's still there.

I'm not.

I don't know what I was going to say former.

She worked with me at Dose Caminos.

Did she?

Yeah.

She waited tables.

That's how I met her first.

Oh, shit.

Before she worked at the comedy club, I worked with Christine at Dose Caminos.

She was like a server.

What year was this?

08, 09.

08.

Okay.

So I was like doing stand-up.

I had already done like Comedy Central Live at Gotham, but I was like doing lunches.

And she like...

worked and she was like, oh, they told me you're a comedian.

She's like, I used to work at a comedy club in LA.

It was right when she moved to New York.

Oh, shit.

And then she started working at Stand-Up New York.

She got out of DOS dose and started working at Stand-Up, and that's how I knew her.

And then, you know, years later, started dating Jay and then became producer of our radio show.

Oh, my God.

I love hearing origin stories of like it's pretty crazy that people that even if it was like I came in a few years later, I came in, I would start, I would say it started, legitimately started in 2013.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's nuts when you see people and you're like, oh, yeah, I knew, yeah, I knew her way before that.

Yeah.

Fuck, I forgot the story I was going to tell you.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

No, no, no, that's not your fault.

That's my point.

You were like, you go in,

your ears bleeding.

Oh, when you go talk shit, when you go.

Oh,

I had a table.

The big money for me was around Christmas because we worked or it was on 50th and 3rd.

Yeah.

So it was around all these like

Lehman Brothers, BlackRock.

When the 08 collapse happened, I made the most money I've ever made waiting tables during the day because everyone took their corporate account, came to Dos Caminos, got blacked out on the patio, and I was the waiter.

So I walked with over $300 for a lunch, which is insane.

Amazing.

But one time I had a table, it was like nine Wall Street bros.

Okay.

Fucked me on the tip.

Like, fuck me.

Like, I want to say 10%

on like a $480 bill, leaving 50 bucks on like a $500 bill.

And you're like, you fucking monsters.

Right.

So that'll make you mad, your whole shift.

That'll ruin your whole shift.

Yeah.

Cause you're like, I could have made 100.

And then that would have been all my tip out.

And then I would have kept everything.

Waiters know what I'm talking about.

But you're like, I can't even

so i have a bad shift get changed downstairs in the locker room go around the corner to the bar we used to drink at this place called cb6 which it's on 50th 51st and second we used to get fucking blackout they would lock the door and we could smoke inside right fucking ruled um

and that's made me realize what sucks so much about waiting tables which i'm sorry to cut you off but it literally is like if you if you went to vegas to gamble but you had to like run around and work work the whole time.

The whole time.

You had to bring people food and drinks, and you were non-stop the whole time.

And also, people don't, I know, like the internet.

Exercise gambling or something.

Exactly.

Where you're almost doing like a course, like an obstacle course, and then you're like, no money?

Cool.

Cool.

Oh, they're European fan fucking fast.

Oh, cool.

I get pennies.

And I know everyone's like racist and they say black people don't tip.

That's not true.

Indian people don't tip.

Indian people, they just do not tip.

Yeah.

Call me whatever the fucking name you want to.

Brother, I've been on the front line.

I've seen it.

I've seen it.

And like this, we, dude, there was this, I used to work with this, like, because I'm coming from Arizona.

I'm coming from Colorado and Arizona, moving to New York City in waiting tables.

That's like a baptism by fire of learning about the people of New York City.

There was a gay waiter named Efren who I loved.

He was such a bitch.

He was so mean to everybody.

One time he walked up to me, he goes, you're pretty cute for a white boy.

And he walked away and I was like, thank you, Ephraim.

Genuinely was like, thank you.

But he would be like, dude, you know, pre-shift, I have to sell back the dishes.

Yeah.

He was like so gay the way he'd sell it back.

He'd go like, these are our mushroom empanadas.

And they like do the thing and they go, thank you.

Sit down.

I'd get high before pre-shift and think that was the funniest stuff.

Thank you.

And he goes, these are our plantain empanadas.

It's plantain masa filled with a little bit of mushrooms and sipoleole.

Thank you.

And you sit down.

And like managers, they're just like grown waiters.

Yeah.

So they still have the like Afrin, but he was the first one that was like, you have an Indian table?

They're not conceit sipio.

And I was like, that's mean.

They're gonna, and then you went, you're like, mother fucker.

You're like, Afrin.

You read the bill and you're like, you were right.

Afrin was right.

God damn it.

But these Wall Street bros, that's who I waited on a lot, was a lot of Wall Street Street bros.

And they were dicks.

They were like, wouldn't look at you.

Is it like stand-up where it's like they see themselves in you and they won't laugh?

No, it's that you are below them.

It is that, which that's sometimes how they look at you and stand up.

They go like, go, clown.

Yeah.

But worse, they're like, what, bro?

Dude, I

didn't get Montreal in 2010, but I got like, I thought I was going to get it.

Like, I thought I was going to get so much that they called me and I missed the call and I went and got blackout drunk the night before because my buddy was like, they've never called you.

You got it.

Yeah.

And then in between shifts at dose, they called me and they were like, you're not going.

And I was like, shit.

And all I thought was like, I have to wait tables another year.

Oh, God.

My first table didn't.

You have to, you know, it's called the first approach where you go up and you go like, hey guys, can I get you something to drink?

They didn't look at me and I almost cried.

Like it was like four bros and I was like, hey guys, can I get you guys something to drink?

And they were like,

and I was like, like oh my god but so i hated the wall street bros that's why when i got to be on billions i was like i know how to play this role like a dickhead yeah

but just stick it to all those fuckers that never tipped me so this this group fucks me they tip me like 10

i close out i like this on the day that you found out that you didn't get mantra no no this is a different time This was way out of pocket on my end.

Way out of pocket on my end.

I've got my own out-of-pocket stories yeah and so i change i you know i talk to my friend lose i talk to my friend eli i'm like we're going to cb6 let's go to cb6 the bartenders there knew all of us give us beers one time the bartender put a bottle of jameson and a shot glass in front of me and she was like give me what you think you owe me at the end of the night right like that kind of lax environment right i go there i'm drinking I'm like with one of my buddies and I'm drinking.

We're waiting for everyone to come after they close out.

And I look across the bar.

It was like a pretty popular popular bar.

And that fucking group of 10 guys is there.

Yeah.

And I'm like, mother fucker.

And then I see the guy that I gave the bill to and he looks at me and I just start flipping him off.

And the guy, you see the guy across the bar like,

and I was like, fuck you.

Yeah.

Like to him.

I'm like, fuck you.

And then he goes, what?

And I'm like, I'm getting drunk.

So I'm starting to get fucking I'm starting to get pretty animated.

And the guy's like, what's up, dude?

and he's with girl They're like hitting on girls.

Yeah, and I go don't fuck him.

He didn't tip me and the girl like looks over and the guy goes

You were our waiter.

He goes what's up, bro?

Like that and I go no Fuck you and the guy was like oh and then the girl was like what and I go he didn't tip he doesn't tip his waiters and you saw her go like oh you and then it got into a thing where like a couple of the other guys you're the hero of that story yeah but there then they came around and I was like you think I don't want the smoke?

Oh, we could go outside right now.

Did they fight?

No, they were like, came over, and then my buddy who I was with was like, hey, they'll easily go back to the restaurant and be like, one of your waiters fought me because I didn't dip them.

Right, right.

So they calmed it down.

And I was like, but I was still like, I didn't stop being like, fuck.

I had to go outside.

I went outside and smoked and they calmed me down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I was like, dude, I wanted to fight.

I wanted to fight all 10 of them.

Yeah.

And then they're trying to get pussy.

And I'm like, don't fuck him.

Do not fuck him.

God, I hated that fucking shit.

I know.

But that's the the thing.

It makes you go into a dark, like, lizard part of your brain.

Like, I've waited tables for, it was like a year, I think.

It was maybe a year, maybe a year and a half.

That's enough.

That's enough to get a taste.

But it was like, I mean, I had before that, but when I was, I'm talking New York City.

New York City waiting tables.

I waited tables at Don Giovanni in New York City, which is like the fucking pizzeria that's in Times Square to this day.

Yeah.

Okay.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

Yeah.

There's two different tables.

You might as well have worked at fucking Bubblegump Shrimp.

Right.

It was, so it was like there.

And then also there was another location like around 20, it was Chelsea.

Yeah.

So, um, oh, I know exactly because there was a dose in Chelsea.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I, I worked there.

It was the only place that I could ever wait tables where I could keep a job because everyone that works there is out of their mind, like out of their mind, bad at their job, just horrible.

But that's Times Square service.

Yeah.

So if you can work in Times Square, part of your brain is dead.

Yes.

So because you can just take, you can like, you put yourself, if you work at Margaritaville, if you can work at fucking Times Square, part of your brain is dead.

It's wild.

So I would, I, I remember I came from, and what you're saying, like baptism by fire, in terms of like, wherever you come from, you're going to, like, New York City is going to teach you a fucking lesson.

The city goes, come here.

Right.

Come here, come here.

How do you get it?

What the fuck?

And there you go.

Yeah.

And you're going to get piss thrown on you in the first six months.

And you go, Jesus.

I remember trying to throw a group of, throw my own table out out of the restaurant.

Because I would drink on the job, you know, because Gian Giovanni, there's like a big bucket of fucking,

what is it, the wine?

Sangria.

Oh, my God.

So I would take the sangria and I would just put it in a fucking paper cup and I'd start the shift off.

And I was getting to the end of my drinking where, you know, like, it's like, well, it's going to be one or it's going to be 17.

Yeah.

You know?

Oh, well, one leads to 17.

If I have one.

At the end of my drinking, if I had one, sometimes I would black out and sometimes I wouldn't black out if I had 17 oh see mine was became like Russian roulette and by the end of my drinking once I had one yeah blackout was the goal yes it was just like if I drank a beer I'm gonna keep drinking beers and then we're gonna start doing shots and then I'll wake up yeah that's where I started yeah that's like where my drinking started was I was like okay I'm I'm there's no other point to this besides forgetting everything go to the finish line yes so then but by the end it stopped working like that like I could take I could have two and I would be like

like I just didn't remember the whole fucking day yeah So like it was I, you know, it was one of those days I started to shift off.

I had like two sangrias and by the way, waiting tables drunk.

Awesome.

It is fun.

Awesome.

It's very fun.

So I got, you know, I think I walked up to some table and they didn't look at me.

It was like a big, I was like, fuck these motherfuckers.

Did you feel so slighted?

Yeah.

And then they, they complained.

They said something.

They complained to me.

And I was like, you know what?

Get the fuck out.

And I was like, get the fuck out.

I was like, you're not going to look at me and now you're going to fucking complain.

Like, get the fuck out.

And literally the manager walks over and goes, hey, you can't do that.

No.

He goes, you're a fucking server.

That's so funny.

I was like, get the fuck.

That's right.

And then to come back to him and go like, did you guys take a look at the specials?

And they're like, fuck you.

You're right.

Okay.

One of the worst feelings I had as a waiter was awful.

There was this, you know, the turnover is like insane and there was this this really mousy cute girl I forget what her name was but she was like her energy was very like hey guys like very like sweet

uh

and you know start of a dinner shift I would do dinner shifts when I needed money and I would always close lunch so I would close out and then I'd need my break yeah so the dinner shift would start so sometimes waiters would start my tables in my section and then I would hop back on and you know come up it's like four businessmen and i come up and the girl's like oh you have such a good table they're all drinking patron

four margaritas they got a double guacamole they want apps and entrees so you're like oh this is gonna be a 350 bill yeah

this is fucking great what a great way to start my shift off and i walk up to the table and they go who is this and i go i'm your waiter and they go no i forget what her name is they go we want emily and i go

fuck and she was just like at the server bar and i went up and i go, just don't transfer the table.

And she's like, what?

And I go, they're not going to tip me.

Yeah.

They're mad that I'm like taking away their hot server.

I want to come back with lipstick on it.

I go, like, Bugs Bunny.

Hello, boys.

Nah.

They go, who's this sexy lady?

Emily, that.

She's just immediately.

That's the only time.

Today, what are you doing to put napkins in my fucking button down?

Trying to look like I have big tits.

Yeah, dude.

It was one of those situations where the greatest day of my life was being able to quit working there.

It was being like, I'm done.

I got a job and I got to go to my general manager and be like, two weeks.

Right.

I'm out.

And it was right during the Christmas season where he's like, can you work an extra week?

And you're like, no.

I've never had a waiting tables job where I gave them my two weeks.

I've never had a job that actually really, I don't know if I've kept a job where I ever gave someone two weeks except for nannying.

Nannying.

Nannying, I would, I gave them two weeks because I was like, these people need me more than I need them.

How bummed were the kids?

Pretty bummed, you know.

It's like, even if you have, I assume if you, I never had a nanny, but I would assume if you have a nanny, you grow close to them.

You do, yeah.

So it's like one of those things where, but as the nanny,

they're closer to you than you are.

That's so fucking funny that there's a stripper element of it where he goes, no, this nanny loves me.

And she goes, honey, this is just a shift.

Yeah.

I got some regulars overall

I think this nanny like wants to be my mom

like that's my job to make you believe that I ain't good unless you believe that I want to be your mom so funny

so when you do you like how long ago was this um well it made me realize how shitty of a nanny I was because I literally just told our nanny that I was like we're gonna have to like cut back a little bit in the fall because she's going to she's gonna start going to daycare like three days a week sure and uh and my nanny was like started crying and i was like oh i baby it made me realize what a bad job i because she really is close to my baby yeah but your daughter's adorable yeah your daughter is like literally the perfect mix of you and andy she's really like i look at that face and you go I see Rosebud and I see Andy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a genuine, which is so rare in a baby.

Yeah.

A lot of times you go, oh, you got some weird parts of your mom, but you got your dad's nose.

Yours, I'm like, perfect blend.

Yeah, yeah.

She's not a jigsaw baby.

Joe List has a great baby.

Yeah.

You go, what up?

You go, Marty, look at you.

You're a fan of the baby.

And the second is name's Marty.

What a great name.

Just a great name for a baby.

Yeah, Santino and I had this recently on his podcast.

We had this theory that names that are normal for our generation

are like old names are coming back in with babies.

Yeah.

And then our names are going to be for dogs later.

Yeah.

Because like we give old lady names for dogs.

Oh, right.

And I can't stop thinking about it.

Beatrice.

Yeah.

My dog's name's Myrtle.

Yeah.

And you're like, what a perfect name.

And it's like, it's going to suck when we're in our 60s and there's dogs named Ashley and Jennifer.

And it'll all get, yeah, we get,

look at Ashley.

And you go, I got a hand job from an Ashley.

But that's what I wonder if that's what old people are thinking right now.

They're like, I got sucked off by a Mary Lou.

And you go, oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

You fucked a Michael in a hot tub.

That's so funny.

I blew a Michael at a drive-in.

And you go, oh, fuck, what's a drive-in?

You had to drive your cars.

Yeah.

So when you told your nanny she was upset.

She was upset.

She started tearing up.

I was like, oh, man.

Like, it just, I kind of went, oh, I didn't know.

It's so funny.

I thought you just didn't really like love her that much.

Like, I thought that it was like something that you were kind of faking a little bit because that's what I did.

Was there any part of you that was like jealous when she started crying?

Like, kind of like, how fucking close are you with my baby?

No, no, no, no.

I feel like I would get that way.

I'd be like, what's up?

No.

Do you love my baby more than I do?

You think you're a better parent than I am?

No, if anything, I kind of went like, oh, I did.

I nailed it with like, I got a great fucking nanny.

But it did make me realize that I was bad at my job when I was nannying.

Because now those kids go, where's Rosebud?

She said she never wanted to talk to you again.

And now they go, well, I cut.

Well, I cut my arms.

No, I literally got a message from one of the kids that I nanny for.

He's 17 now.

He's like, hey, it'd be nice to see you not on the internet.

I I was like, well, Jesus Christ.

You're a man.

I was like,

stay away from me, man.

Yeah, dude, my mom was a nanny, and my mom still is in contact with like her first family.

I guess it means the most.

Yeah.

But like the daughter now is like got a daughter of her own and grown up.

Mm-hmm.

But

she'll come over and like cook with my mom.

Yeah.

My mom's like, all right, I love seeing her.

I feel like it's going to come full circle where it's like, I'll eventually age out of the entertainment industry and then I'll just be nannying for the kids that I nannied nannied for and I'll just be like an old nanny.

Yeah.

They can't get rid of because it's like I have health problems and they're sort of

like Lauren Michaels is still alive.

He's like, I need you to come and get rid of your nanny.

Here's my wake-up routine.

5 a.m.

Right.

Scream into the darkness.

You know, everybody says they go, they go, oh, you don't, you want to get a young nanny because your husband might fuck like, or you want to get an old nanny because your husband might fuck a young nanny.

I'm like, you never want to get an old nanny.

An old nanny, you will be trapped.

You're just getting another baby.

Yeah.

I did it again.

I took a boom boom in my pants.

Changing both of them.

Or they start to slowly lose their mind.

They start to get dementia.

It's good if she drinks fluid from under the sink.

You have to hire a real nanny on top of the nanny that you're just taking care of.

I got my nanny and then I got my nanny watcher.

So back to you telling Lauren Michaels, because I know this is.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

That's what this podcast is.

Yeah.

Should have called it a divergent, because you just like, you just fucking go off on a roller.

Oh, it's fine.

So when you...

Who told you?

Who told you you had to tell Lauren?

I'm fascinated with the way SNL works because it works like the mafia.

Yeah, it does.

Where Lauren's

the Dawn and all of his hot little under bosses.

So I had to, I told one of the head writers and I was like, Brian Tucker?

No, no, no, no.

He's a supervising writer.

All right, I love it.

Which is under the head writers.

Tucker's one of the funniest people I've ever gotten to write with or work with.

Yeah, we wrote a cartoon

together for Comedy Central in 2014.

And it was like, I got to work with him for a year, and I was like, this guy's so good.

One of my favorite sketches I wrote that never got.

picked with Tucker was like a guy was like a cool guy that shows up at a bar and have all of his friends are fucking jealous of him and then slowly his stories get like sadder and sadder and sadder until he's just like he's talking about jumping out of a plane and he's like what if I just didn't pull the fucking shoes?

Yeah, dude.

You know, and everybody's like,

Tucker's dark.

He's dark.

He goes dark or Tucker.

He's really fun.

Yeah, Brian Tucker, by the way, if you look him up, Chris Rock Show, Chappelle Show.

Yeah.

Guy fucking, guy's the man.

He's awesome.

And hilariously, the whitest guy from North Carolina that can write for black people better than any other white person.

Yeah.

Like any classic black sketch, What's Up with That?

He wrote like all this stuff that you're like, White guy wrote that?

Right.

Like the whitest guy.

Yeah, I think Black Jeopardy.

Yep.

But yeah, so he

tell you.

So I asked, I think it was Street.

I think it was Streeter.

Anyway, I asked one of the head writers and I was like, what do I do?

And they were like, well, you should tell Lorne.

Yeah.

And I was like, did that scare you?

I was like, that felt like hazing.

I was like, that can't be right.

That can't be right.

And I was like,

I don't know about that.

That feels a little familiar.

You know what I mean?

I've never had a conversation with the man.

I pop into his office.

I go, I'm pregnant.

You know, it's like the next thing out of my mouth is going to be like, it's yours.

So I don't.

Early sailors use condoms.

Yeah.

That's like a thing.

Prophylactics take a lot away from the feeling.

I'm glad to know your husband.

He likes it that way.

I'm glad to know your husband's pounding you raw.

Yeah.

And then he goes, Chevy used to love to pound raw.

But like, I, so then I go, well, do I just ask one of his, I was like, do I ask one of his angels?

One of Lauren's angels.

One of the angels?

I go, do I ask the angels?

Which is, this is my impression of all of them every time I met him.

They go.

Yeah.

Come calling me.

Yeah.

When I screen tested both times, there's just girls on the phones going, do you know where your dressing room is?

You can follow me.

Yeah.

So I literally, I asked, and I, you were probably talking to the producers, by the way, because I feel like the assistants are nicer.

Oh, whoever it was, it was it was probably the producer because the producers can be mean.

Then I watched Pete get it, and I was like, I wonder if he fucked him, like he stacked them on top of each other like a dag would.

like a dag would sandwich rigos.

I've never had a seven, a seven, some.

That's just crazy.

And I go, one, two, three, four, five, six.

Okay.

I guess.

I guess hell, I'm going to go fuck all these young hot girls with all this power.

I, uh, I literally, I, I just asked them and they were like, Yeah, you can have a meeting.

And I was like, is it appropriate for me to be telling them this?

And they were like, yeah.

Can I share it?

Is this breaking my hip?

Like,

is this breaking the doctor laws?

Yeah.

So I just sort of went in there and it it was just this odd moment where I was like,

all right, I'm pregnant, but like, my main concern here is like, I want to keep working.

I was like, just so you know, I was like,

oh, you're, you're, so you're a single mom.

Yeah.

I was like, just so you, I'm the breadwinner.

Okay.

And we need this.

Yeah, like everyone needs this.

If it helps you, there's a man's life is at stake.

Yeah, a man, a white man.

A white man's life is at stake here.

Ski incredibly.

Yeah, and he's a great skier.

Well, I don't want to ruin that.

You're all.

So then he literally did your impression of him,

which is Dana Carvey's impression.

It was just, yeah.

And Mike Myers is Dr.

Evil.

He just started saying, like, you know, well, you know, when Amy was here, she said she worked until.

And when Tina worked and did.

And I just went, oh, okay, cool.

We have a lovely wet nurse.

Which is like, you go, oh, thank God he's comparing me to more successful people.

It's kind of sick.

At least in this

context you wonder if he does it with the male cast members like if someone comes in and goes like i got herpes and he goes right farley had herpes farley had herpes so did phil

and you go phil hardened herpes yeah that's why yeah and and he goes you're not alone not alone the outbreaks get better

you can manage the symptoms it'll itch like a son of a bitch the first time

but that's just simplex too um so you which is the one that's your fault yeah

It's kind of like dickwarts.

It's not going to result in cervical cancer.

I know a lot about human papillomavirus.

Was he cool?

He was cool.

Yeah, he was cool.

Which is best case scenario.

He was really cool about it.

And then I walked out of there being like, okay, I guess.

Tina and Amy got to keep working.

Sick.

You know, and even though now looking back, I'm like, well, that could have been a threat.

I could have seen that as a threat.

Everything he says could be veiled as a threat.

The beauty and the kind of the genius of Lorne is that he's vague enough for you to project whatever you're going through onto what he says.

Oh my God, dude.

I'm so glad I didn't get that show.

It would have fucking broken me.

Every time I go in there, I go, you're a genius.

Like, you are really...

He is.

He's absolutely a genius.

Yeah.

There's no denying someone that builds and runs a legitimate institution like Saturday Night Live.

You can't call him anything but you can call them a lot of stuff, but genius has to be one of them.

I would say one of the last standing institutions.

We've watched the collapse of

industry, of monoculture, of the industry, that's what we called it.

I think there's still an industry.

It's just not, it's unrecognizable.

It's all siloed.

Yeah.

Because you can go do something and sell out theaters and people that work at Fox have, you know, like

develop television shows, have no fucking clue what you do.

Yeah.

You know, like that was the story when I met, when I was meeting with new management, they were telling me about Bargettzi is that Lauren was like, I don't know who Nate Bargetti is.

He's like, well, he's doing arenas.

So people know who he is.

And then Nate went and hosted SNL and it was like one of their best episodes in fucking years.

You know, it's like, that's how it is now.

So the fact that Lauren still has

the last shop open of like, everything features.

And I think he's the only one who is like taking,

well, I could be just throwing shit at the wall right now, but like I feel like he's the only one from that like

world that's going, oh, there's someone who's just popular online and I could put him on TV and that's a different audience.

That's why he's a genius.

You know, like because he's had to, unlike.

you know, like network execs at Fox or ABC or whatever, Lorne isn't a network exec.

He just runs his show and he's had to adapt so many times.

Right.

You know, when he left in 1980 and came back in 85, Eddie Murphy carried that, but he comes back in 85 and then you see SNL change where he goes like, I got to get new blood.

Then he has like those runs of those unbelievable casts clear up until like 05.

Right.

And it was still banging.

And then they get Sandberg, Lonely Island, and then it turns over.

Then it becomes Tina and Amy.

And it's like, he's so good at adapting and changing that, of course, he's still going to, he has that ability.

Yeah.

No one else has that ability.

Yeah.

So that's why he is a genius.

Like he literally, people can go like, fuck SNL.

It hasn't been funny.

My criticism is a lot of the times it feels like it's written for teenagers who like musical theater.

But that's also because I'm old.

Well, it's also because it is written for teenagers.

Yes.

Like if you think about the years that anybody who's like, oh, my favorite cast was X, Y, and Z.

It's all when they were teenagers and they were like up late watching TV.

It's not like, you know, and then maybe boomers, they go, they go worse.

Well,

because

your point remains the same.

Because boomers, late 70s, it was a dangerous show.

It was something they had never seen before.

They were used to TV being corny.

That movie, I know it got, some people panned it, but I watched it on an airplane, which is probably my meanest review of a movie I've ever given.

But that Saturday night show.

Oh, yeah.

That Saturday night movie.

Perfect movie plane.

Perfect plane movie.

Yeah.

And it is really good, but it shows you that like they had no fucking clue what they were doing.

Yeah.

And I know people are like, that's not what it is but i've read the books i've like read every book about it schultz who's like a head writer at uh at update yeah he

he described watching that movie because we watched it all together oh that's wild and the trauma bonding yeah yeah he was like it he goes it felt like watching a reenactment of your parents getting married that's really funny and i was like that's so accurate so perfect yeah because you're watching you go it couldn't have happened like that yeah they go well your dad did say something like that but he didn't say it that eloquently right right right right, yeah, and that didn't happen like that, yeah.

But it is like, um, it was, I think, to shit on Lauren Michaels is stupid because the guy created something no one else will create ever, yeah.

I mean, I think people will, they'll shit, they'll shit on the show, and they'll shit on, you know, the cast, and they'll shit.

That's just like part of working there, yeah.

So you go, like, okay, but not it, I think people

like

shit on SNL as if they're like owning it.

Yeah, like got them, yeah, and I'm like, but it's been happening forever.

Also, it's good.

It's happened without happening forever.

If you want to say something unique, try to look for something good about the show, and you'll be like blowing my peep.

That's going to be like more inflammatory.

Yeah, being like, whoa, you're standing up for it?

We were talking about that.

Someone that we never thought would defend SNL is defending SNL, and you're kind of like, oh, that's interesting.

Do you, does your Texas family react like SNL?

It's like the one thing.

If you get a job at SNL SNL now,

it's like the only job in comedy that your parents will respect.

That's so funny because when I started stand-up

and a lot of comics go through this, when you get to the point.

When they go, you should try out for SNL.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got to get on SNL.

First Christmas party where I was like just doing stand-up.

My family's like, have you tried to get on SNL?

And you're like, oh, I never

thought about it.

Yeah.

It's the biggest show.

Oh, no.

And then when you don't get it, your family goes like, you didn't get it?

No, I tried.

Well, you know what?

I tried, but I didn't get to do my stand-up.

It's like when you're like my fucking agent told me to do fucking characters.

It's like when you're featuring for somebody like really rich and they go, you know what you got to do is real estate.

You got to get into real estate.

And you're like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, think about it.

Dude, the first time I, my first road gig of all time was at Laughs Albuquerque because I started Laugh's Tucson.

I was emceeing and the feature act, I know his name, not going to say it because he still might be alive.

Okay.

But the guy would go.

Jesus say might be.

Might be.

You had no idea.

This was the it's a toss-up.

It's a toss-up.

But we, during the day, so I stayed at the condo with the headliner and the feature.

During the day, the feature would go to the mall

and buy Waterford crystals

and sell them on eBay.

Okay.

And he told me that's what comedy is.

He goes, if you want to be a road comic, you have to go sell stuff on eBay for like other money.

And I was like,

so young in comedy that I was like, this can't be the way.

And then I like talked to the older headliners in like Tucson and they're like, no, no, but don't do Coke.

You'll be fine.

Just don't do blow.

That was like always the thing.

And you're like, okay, cool.

Yeah.

But that guy, I remember like watching him.

He would go and buy like, he did it every day.

He'd come back with like six or seven water for crystals and like I'd see him on his laptop like listing them.

This is 04 right and i was like what the i guess that's a hustle and then the next day he'd be like i sold one i sold it for like 80 and i bought it for like 55 and you're like okay jesus christ is this comedy yeah you oh my god but yeah and then you don't realize that you're like this you're just watching the worst piece of advice because there's so much bad advice when you start oh yeah well it's a lot of times in comedy you get advice from people that have failed that want to tell you why they failed and it's always a particular thing that maybe you won't bump up against right and they're like just stay away from Lucian like that was the strip and you're like yeah I think he's dead yeah they're like well there you go stay away from him

and you're like why do you have a problem with it's it's fucking wild because it's like any job where people have their personal problems I mean SNL I can't imagine the shit that you've heard from people where they're like don't do this with the oh yeah no it's like um yeah everybody's sort of telling you just like one particular thing that they did that they fucked up with, you know?

Yeah, I mean mine was

I texted there was like um

and it wasn't so bad, but it was like the word text did make me go like who did you text?

So there's a writer's chat.

There's a writer's text thread.

Don't tell me you signaled.

I did.

Did you do what Hexeth did and fucking add a reporter?

No, so like there was

there was someone on stage doing it like standing in for what for one of the musical artists, right?

Sure.

And she was, it was just hilarious because she was standing there like dissociated.

I've never seen anyone look so depressed in my life.

But she was standing like, I think it was like

Chapel Rhone's background or something, you know, like pink pony club and like just like this.

And so I took a picture of the screen and I sent it to the to the writer's chat because I just thought, oh, we're all going to have fun with this, right?

And then somebody, nobody responded.

And I went, hmm weird that should got that should have got a lot of LOLs yeah yeah turns out it was one of the head writers nieces

and I was like cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool I just forget that everyone is related to everyone in this building and her mom just killed herself and you go fuck cool shit yeah god damn it nice that kind of joke where you have a good joke and then suddenly you find out something horrible happened you go I mean and I was like I took a picture because I was like this I feel like we all relate to this is the experience of being being here where you're like in the most you have the most crazy elaborate shit around you yes you know you're standing you're surrounded by like money and big budgets and also and you're just insanely famous head inside insanely insanely famous people yeah like not just kind of famous people like the whoever's at the top that needs to push the biggest thing is there that week right it's insane yeah and you just so it's like that kind of shit where you just are like oh okay well i'm never texting the writer's chat ever again.

Did you have to say something to the head writer?

Like, were you like, no, he came up to me and he was like, hey, he's like, the reason why nobody responded is because

he was cool about it.

That's awesome.

And I was like, oh, my God, thank you so much.

I was like, I didn't mean anything by it.

Did you try to, this is something that comics do where we get a little greedy and we want to know the punchline was funny.

So we go, but it was funny, right?

I did go, well, I mean, you get why I sent it.

She suffers from depression, so not really.

God, I did accidentally, yeah.

You son of a bitch.

The worst part about, the hardest part about being at a SNL is like, if you're in a writer's room, right, and you pitch something, and it's the hardest pitch environment I've ever been in because you pitch a joke, and if it doesn't work, no one says anything.

And then you, and then if you address that it got nothing, if you go, nothing?

They say nothing back.

So it's literally like you can't even get a laugh off of the bomb.

You just have to take the L and move on.

The second one, after you bomb on a joke, the second one is there just to break the tension.

It's not to make the joke lap.

You just go like, whoa, I thought that was good.

And if they go.

No, they just literally just build the tension.

It just builds on top of it.

Like it sucks.

Is it equally rewarding when something rips?

When like something, you put something out and it gets like a huge laugh?

Are you kind of like, yes.

Is there any good parts?

That's what I'm saying.

I mean, yeah, it's nice when something goes well, but you also are just like,

oh, it's just a matter of time until I fuck myself.

So, you know what I mean?

That's so dark because 30 Rock is my favorite show.

It's my fall asleep show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I always assume in a fun way that SNL's got to be a little bit like working at 30 Rock.

And then you're like, probably not.

They probably took all the very fun parts and put it into a show.

Yeah.

And like the bad parts don't make it.

Yeah.

I mean, I think that.

There's obviously great parts about working at SNL.

Like there are moments of just like pure pure insanity.

But I don't think the show is like as mean as it used to be.

Yeah, it used to be fucking, they used to be pretty mean.

They used to be pretty fucking crazy.

I saw pictures from the writer's party from like

20, 2009 or something.

Yeah.

So I remember seeing these these photos and it's like people breaking the table.

They were doing a slip and slide across the writer's table and it like broke and they've all got like wet t-shirts and they're just fucking, you know somebody's like honking boobs and it was like oh that would never happen that does suck because you go like that's like uh when you work at a restaurant they're like they used to close it down early and then we could just drink all the rest of the sangria yeah and you go you guys don't do that anymore you go guy died yeah it's all right well i wasn't here yeah

that was dude we got like people die though yeah we used to have people die we used to have like frozen margaritas at dos cominos and that was like a thing where people got caught drinking them and then they like shut it all down yeah and you would tell the new waiters you were like oh yeah you used to be able to take passion fruit and

go to the bathroom with a straw and

then get drunk have you ever well you don't drink anymore because i was drinking at snl would be wild because you'd be like oh i would have lost my job immediately you pitch your sketch and you go i got an idea and then get out of here yeah i would have lost my job immediately if i was still drinking drinking waiting tables i think waiters should have to drink absolutely because they had fun you go how many you had you go i'm on double yeah

i'm about to piss in your ice tea absolutely and they're good and i think you could you could do it easily by dividing up restaurants yes you know we go this is one where the waiters drink this is one where they don't or do what they used to do with smoking do you want drinking or non-drinking waiters yes do you want sober or drunk waiters yeah you do sober

i want drunk waiter and they go great your food is going to be crazy late yeah he's outside smoking back-to-back cigarettes but one time i came in but the bus boys will be wandering around and you see and they might be able to get you more chips.

Yeah.

One time I came in, you know, you pop out for a cigarette

and I came in and it was like this French table.

And I was looking at them and then you hit the moment, you go, I never put their order in.

And then you're going to have the kitchen and you're like, this is 30 minutes ago.

I need a dosage of gelatas, like right fucking out.

And they're like, oh, shit.

And then you go to the table and you shit on the kitchen.

You go, fucking kitchen.

Something fucked up happened.

Retarded back then.

I hated it.

Yeah.

But I got drunk one time in between shifts

and I waited on Tori Amos.

Torrey Amos had like a a party of 16 people and I was drunk.

I mean, I came back from break.

Yeah.

We went to the press box, which is on 2nd Avenue.

Did you freak out or were you like, this is going to be awesome?

Well, so my buddy Jose that used to work there, he taught me, I had a break with him and I was like, we'll drink, let's drink just a couple beers.

Let's have a couple beers before the dinner shift.

And he was like, from just a couple beers till we black out.

And then we'll go back to work.

He was like from the Bronx or whatever.

And he's like, yo, my man, you ever had orange juice in a blue moon?

Because I like the blue moons.

And I was like, no, i've never done that he's like yo you gotta try this it's a dash of orange juice in a blue moon and it was that sounds so good so i drank like four beers yeah and then three beers in i go do you want to do a jameson

and he was like yes scratching your chest like a jameson i was like you want to do a double and we did a shot and then i'm like

It's the moment where you're walking back to work and you're finishing a cigarette and you go for another one.

You go, I'm fucking, I'm a little drunk.

Yeah.

And then I go in and i go downstairs and i like put my apron on or whatever and i go up and then jose's like yo we got a 16 top autograt and you're like let's go and then we're going and then like i'm dropping the chips off and then and then i'm like fucking tori amos yeah and then we're like doing a drink order and i'm drunk i'm like straight up drunk and i was pouring wine into her glass and she was like come here and she took my head into her hands and she went you have a beautiful soul and i just remember going thanks toriamos

and i was like so drunk that i walked away i was like what the fuck is happening but got that autograph so i didn't have to i didn't have to chase her down

i didn't have to chase her down at a bar around the corner and threaten to fight her while she's trying to get pussy that's so fucking psychotic i was like what the i waited on a lot of celebrities that's actually supports my theory that i think getting famous does do brain damage 100 i think cte yeah because just everyone fucking

that's why when i waited on celebrities the ones that were cool i would go out of my way to go, you're really, Damon Waynes was really cool.

Yeah.

He was really cool.

Where I was like, dude, you're one of the coolest celebrities I've waited on.

Who else?

Martina McBride was the best one.

Martina McBride.

Dude, she was awesome.

Her husband fucking,

I'll support her career forever.

Okay.

I had a crazy slow lunch.

You're going to see Martina McBride live?

Dude, I'm a McBridehead.

I'm a McBrideophile.

I love her.

Her husband, they had maybe a $70

tab, and her husband tipped me $130.

Damn.

And that was when I had like no money.

So you had the extra $100 because it was cash.

Right.

So I tip out on the 30.

Sorry, busters, if you're watching this.

One of the busters I used to work with is a doorman around the corner.

Oh, for sure.

Yeah.

When I walk my dog, I'm like, Charlie!

And he's like, what's up, dude?

He's like, yo, you used to freak out.

And I was like, yeah, dude, I'd get so mad waiting tables.

I'd punch the micro screens all the time.

If you're in New york long enough you really can't escape your past you just i it just you could go about a decade but it'll come back it'll bubble up but yeah i mean like waiting on celebrities you would see who was completely gone

and who was like like a rod when he was dating madonna they came in and they like didn't want anyone to talk to him and you're like that's that's just weird but like howard stern would come in all the time and tip crazy good yeah he would tip crazy good so everyone wanted to wait on howard but yeah you would you would like see people and you'd be like oh you're fucking broke well Well, I think Howard is like, you know, he's constantly literally interviewing people who are more famous.

You know what I mean?

So it's like, you know, there was kind of maintain a level of like humility just catering to that.

You know, who is cool as fuck that's had a really sad decline that have been Bam Margera.

He came in and dude, I just watched that fucking documentary.

Yeah, he came in and had lunch and he was, he was so cool.

He was so fucking cool.

His boy was a problem.

Yeah.

His buddy, I forget who it is.

It was one of the guys that they used to like make fun of all the time.

He was slamming Coronas, but Bam was cool as fuck, tipped extra.

I was like, dude, and then you have celebrities that don't tip, and then you hate them forever.

Yeah, was Bam drinking, though?

Uh, he had a couple beers.

Oh, really?

Yeah, but he was like super nice.

Uh, I waited when Common was dating Serena Williams.

I waited on him.

They tipped me like shit.

Really?

They tipped me and my buddy Matt like shit.

And I was like, come on, Common.

I thought you were common sense.

20%, dude.

Sense.

Tipped me fucking 9%.

Common.

Common sense.

Oh, yeah.

He goes, it's CSTS.

And you go, son of a bitch, it was right there.

Oh, fuck.

I was.

Yeah.

But, I mean, that's why I like SNL will always be a really cool thing that, like, you know, your daughter will be like, yeah, my mom wrote on SNL.

I don't know.

I don't think she'll give a shit.

You really?

Yeah.

I think she'll give it a little bit of a game.

Is it kind of like the way you are with your grandpa's stuff?

I think she'll be like, oh, yeah, my mom, like, did, like, she, like, worked for in the talkies.

That's so funny.

Yeah, when they used to have to watch TV on cable.

Yeah.

And they go, oh, that's like when we find out.

I think the fact that even I made TV for TV is like going to be lame to her.

Like I'm like, I need to pick up the YouTube game immediately.

Yeah.

Like I'm literally.

I need to keep in with Mr.

Beast.

I'm true.

Or I'm fucking cooked.

I'm working on a show with Adrian.

Yeah.

Like we're writing a show and I'm like, I just want to fucking put it on YouTube.

I feel like it's going to be better to just make it because.

Well, you'll be able to make the thing you actually want to make.

Yeah, that is funny to think about your daughter will be like, you made TV for TV.

It was like when my mom was explaining with phone numbers that the block had a number.

So, like back in the day, you would call, it was called a party line.

You would like call and different houses would pick up and be like, I'm looking for so-and-so.

And they're like, sorry, no.

Oh, shit.

And then, like, the other, this is like in the 50s or whatever.

And then, like, the other house would pick up and be like, here I am.

That's so weird.

It's crazy having phone sex back in that day.

We're like, I'm taking off your knickers.

And they go, wrong house.

You're on the phone with my husband.

And you're like, son of a bitch.

Why don't he jack it off to me?

And it's like, oh, this is what swingers were back in there.

He jumps in.

Yeah, they go, I'm having

a lot of fun.

It's called Love Party.

The special is Mother Load.

It's on Netflix right now.

Rosebud is fucking hilarious.

Go watch it.

Thank you for coming on the podcast.

Thanks for having me.

Yeah, you roll.

This is really fun.

Yeah, this was a fun hang.

Remember, I look at the clock and I go, holy shit.

What time is it?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

You have to go back to work.

I got to go to work.

All right.

He's like, were you doing a podcast about me?

I heard you were doing a podcast.

I heard he does a pretty lame podcast.

I have every building in Manhattan bugged.

Oh, you're at the Capitol.

Yeah, that's all right.

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