76: Hollywood Uncle with Jon Gabrus | Soder Podcast | EP 74

Spokane, Washington.

And yeah, I say Spokane.

For some reason, people everywhere else call it Spokane.

They don't know how to say your city's name.

Well, I know how to say it correctly.

Spokane, Washington.

I will be there for five shows at the beginning of May.

May 1st through the 3rd, five shows.

Spokane Comedy Club in Spokane, Washington.

Buy tickets now.

Dansoder.com.

See you there.

Albany, New York, May 15th.

I will be at the egg.

Hopefully that's a theater and not just a giant egg.

I've actually heard it is a lovely, lovely theater.

May 15th, Albany, New York, the egg.

It's going to be a fucking awesome show.

Buy tickets now.

Dansodor.com.

May 16th, the Flynn Theater in Burlington, Vermont.

You crunchy assholes, crawl out of those mountains, eat a granola bar, and come on over to the Flynn Theater in Burlington, Vermont.

It is honestly, I love Burlington.

I've been there a bunch.

The crowds are always awesome.

So come on out to Burlington, Vermont, May 16th at the Flynn Theater.

DanceOder.com for tickets.

I'm also like, grew up in New York in the early 2000s.

So I'm like, we're familiar with the air being bad.

I did, like, I went to 25 FDNY fundraisers about it.

Also, LA's airs always sucked.

Yeah.

You land, you see the smog.

I wonder how bad it could possibly be.

Like, I don't understand the science, but neither one of us are scientists.

Yeah.

Would there be enough wind eventually that it's like Hawaii's problem or someone else?

Do you remember when that happened

when there was a power plant in Japan that had a meltdown, like a huge meltdown?

Fukushima?

I think so.

This was like, yeah, in the last 10 years.

I think it was Fukushima.

And they were like, well, it's Japan.

And then everyone goes like, well, you know, that like

the way the ocean works is that all that could come to the western Japan's all the way on the other side of the world I'm like yeah but from us

you know who it touches next that's like the kind of dumb I am that I respect is when people don't realize what it means where they go like you know that and you go oh

got it the frequency in which I'm like oh that's where Idaho is like when I land

I'm like on a plane then I'm like and I look at the screen and I'm like I'm not that's not far at all I guess I thought Idaho was by Michigan, and I'm like, so wrong.

Flyover country has to be offended.

Yeah, this is coastal elite shit.

I'm so sorry.

I've only lived in New York and Los Angeles.

I don't know shit.

Standing in the middle.

Fly right over.

And when you know, and you know, like when you say, like, oh, I love it there.

It's like, how frequent you go?

I go, three nights every nine months for money.

And you're like, I love it there.

I stay in a Marriott.

I drink lobby coffee and sleep all day.

I've always been that kind of guy on the road that

doesn't do anything.

So I'm fascinated with people that are like,

I went to Vancouver and Michelle Wolf runs long distance.

And she was like, you got to go to the seawall.

Go to the seawall.

I was like, Michelle, I'm going to go to a dispensary.

I'm going to go to a grocery store and I'm going to go to my hotel room.

And the comedy club.

Those are the four places I'm going to go.

That's all you really need.

And can I tell you, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about it because there are people that go and like catch a minor league baseball game.

There is some sort of element of like, you get mad if you're like, oh, I was in this X city for 72 hours and they're like, oh, did you do?

And you're like, nope.

Did you?

Nope.

You're like, no, I beat Shadow of Mordor again.

But this time on my Steam Deck rather than my PS5.

Yeah,

I could speak to my last tour.

That is exactly where they go, like, what did you do?

Like, I remember I was in like Rochester or whatever, whatever, or Buffalo, and they're like, you got to get a garbage plate.

And you're like, that actually might be the one thing I do.

Because I'm going to get high.

I'm going to want to.

I want to eat your disgusting cuisine.

You're like, oh, this is for the fattest locals ever.

I'm like, put it on a plate.

I'm trying to come up with a tour name, and I think it might just be the pig trough tour.

Just put your shit in my trough, and I'll fucking eat it.

If it's a burger, if it's whatever, I don't want to go to a museum.

Dan Soder's staying at this Marriott, so we're going to put the trough in his hotel rooms.

Oh, he's back from the show.

They just like are dumping barrels of tater tots in there.

Me and Sagalow fighting for it.

Oh, squeeze!

Yeah, it's I've always

felt like the people that go and do stuff on the road,

like on work trips, are also the people that wake up very early to exercise.

Yeah, I feel like

there's a Venn diagram.

There's a big chunk in the middle there.

Where they wake up and go, I could do cardio instead of me going, like, I want to lay here

all day.

Especially when I'm on like the, I just, this weekend, I'm in New York with the, my shows are at night schedule where it's just like, all right, yeah, I guess I'll sleep till 11.30.

I'll jerk off till 2.30.

What am I doing for three hours?

Then I'll have coffee.

Then I'll eat food.

Then I'll like smoke weed.

Then I'll go like, all right, I have two hours to unwind before the show.

It's like, unwind.

I put in so much.

It is funny because sometimes I'll go on the road with people that do do active stuff.

And traveling in general with active people, you kind of have to warn them.

You're like, I'm taking a Z-Quill.

Look for me around noon.

Yeah, don't.

Probably 1 p.m.

I was in Sacramento.

I'll text you.

I sent a text to Matt and Brendan who were on the road with me.

I was like, guys, it's looking like 1.30.

Don't know if that's going to be.

I'm jealous of runners, though, because like,

for a ton of reasons, but one of the main ones is like, that feels like a real see a city, get your exercise, don't pack shit, don't have to join an Equinox.

It's like just having sneakers, shorts, and a t-shirt in your bag and the ability to work out three times.

And maybe I jog and go

get a coffee at the end or something.

Like you could do some kind of, it feels like a sightseeing thing.

And that's like the person I want to be.

Oh, but I am the person who opens the blinds at four.

That's the kind of person that not only can bring up the rich history of the city,

possibly sit down at a piano and play a song.

These are all the same.

I have a friend who's like, when I travel internationally, I download like Portuguese music and then I run through Lisbon listening to it.

I'm like, I fucking hate you.

Shunk my dick.

I'm jerking off to the same prince of the Stone Age album while I take a shower and then I'm fucking.

I'm sitting down.

My work is sitting down to go like, how do I make this poop joke?

Not just a poop joke.

Wait, I need something in between these three poop jokes.

I got to rest it a little.

It is the decay of American society when you just know that most of us are like, that rules.

Yeah.

That absolutely rules.

It's just getting baked out of your mind till two in the morning and then going like, I'll wake up when it's afternoon.

I mean, I think that's why everyone wants to be like an influencer or a podcaster or something because it's like, well, once I get money for doing almost nothing, like that's the dream.

And you're like, yeah, no,

it is objectively cool.

It's 100%.

Not for everybody.

I will tell you, there are people with A-type personalities that want to accomplish things, that want to do stuff.

But there are most of us that skated by school and are now skating by life.

I was the king of that.

I was the king of high test grades and never doing anything else.

I was horrible at test taking, but it was consistent.

I was an old Cal Ripken Jr.

I was an iron horse.

I'd show up and give you nine periods, even though I was fucking.

Well, you know, you know, you got a bad home life if you don't want to stay home sick.

That was me, too.

I'm like, school's easier than being home with my dad.

He works nights.

I need to go to school, please.

Or like barfing in my fucking seat.

I would be like, no, I'd rather go to English.

What did your dad do?

He was a stagehand for the Fox 5 10 o'clock news.

No way.

Yeah, so he worked 3 to 11.

So I was never, I never saw him during the week, which I think

is a test of why our relationship was at least okay.

But then in the summers, growing up, we were home every single day with him till three.

And he didn't know what the fuck to do.

So in the summers, we would just go to Jones Beach every single day from 7 a.m.

to 1 p.m.

And only if it was torrential would he then take us to the mall and go to the movies.

And that's, I went to the beach.

I mean, I'm fucking 42 with puka shells.

I went to the beach every day, every summer.

And then I eventually worked there.

So I lived in a world where I was just at the beach when I wasn't at school.

And it like that kind of formed, I think, my entire personality.

No, I think it's where you hang out as a kid.

forms who you are as a person.

Yeah.

Drinking in schoolyards, the beach, and the arcade and the movie theater.

Yeah, that's all I do now.

And mine was, I would, I would, most of the time, I had to go to like, my mom worked full-time and was a single mom.

So if I was in Colorado, up until middle school, daycare, after-school program,

which sucks.

Oh, I can only imagine.

I was the oldest of three boys.

So I was the daycare program at home.

Yeah.

Because my mom was a nurse and she worked weekends and shit like that too.

Daycare.

And by the way, calling it daycare is such a nice word for what it was.

And shout out to the people who dedicate their lives to that, but some of you who did not give a fuck.

We're from a different generation.

I want to thank Nancy.

I don't know what your last name was, but you were a big blonde bitch and you were mean as hell when you needed to be.

But you were the warden.

And I want to thank Nancy, the warden, for looking over everybody.

And thank you for setting me up for life.

I can't get off unless someone's being absolutely mean to me.

That means I have a 25-cent soda and someone's screaming at me.

If I don't have a big K soda, I can't come.

But there was a thing of like, you know, the way that your dad was like, let's just go to to the beach.

It was like my mom was like, you ready to go?

It was like almost being on work release from jail.

But the work release was going home to sleep in my bed and then I would have to go back to jail.

And I remember bringing like action figures in my backpack and being like, what won't get got?

Like,

what do people not want?

Like, what's the action figure that I want to play with?

But you can't get gangs.

Yeah.

Because you would pull it out and they'd be like, you got Panthero from Thundercats?

And you're like, maybe.

And you're like, let me play with that.

And you're like, I can't let you play with that.

Do you want to look at Snarf instead?

Snarf's the coolest one.

Fuck.

Chitara?

Do you want Cheetara?

And bring in the chick one.

If you take Panthero, who's going to fix the fucking car?

Hello?

He's the mechanic.

You go, because he's black.

And you go, no.

Panther's not black.

He's blue.

He's the bald guy with two earrings.

That's like, hey, Cheetah, get the fuck out of here.

And they really go watch Thundercats and tell me they didn't make Panthero black.

No, that's totally.

He comes in the room and goes, hey, he's just got numb chucks and shit.

Well, that's just like also G.I.

Joe, like the main black dude was Roadblock, who was the chef, and his name was Roadblock.

It's like, give these guys a little flexibility.

Snake Eyes is not even Asian.

I forgot about that.

Snake Eyes is just a white guy.

Yeah, there's a ton of Snake Eyes on Reddit right now.

Oh, yeah.

I live by the sword.

Your podcast sucks.

I've listened to every episode.

Fuck you.

I love you.

I love everybody, but I'm Snake Eyes.

I fuck you.

I love you.

I wish you'd fuck my wife or I could fuck your wife or you.

I don't give a fuck.

I hate you.

You're not funny.

All right.

I listened again.

I realized I was wrong.

But again, call me.

I love you.

You got to come do a show in my city.

I will never fucking go because you're absolute bullshit, but I can make it.

I love you.

You're so funny.

I'm fat too.

But that's fat.

That's like, you know, that's my least favorite.

Like, hey, I'm a fat piece of shit, too.

So I can really relate to you.

I'm like, hey, hey, come on.

This is not what don't lead a conversation like that.

The one that gets me on that was they're like, I'm, I'm sad about my dad, too.

And you go, I said, how would I give off?

and you go like they go like yeah you're just a giant child and you go i know when you start doing a podcast and you're mining your personal life for entertainment uh this is the deal with the devil you make is that you open it up to other people going like i have erectile dysfunction too and you're like i think i did that was a bit that i did i'm not positive if that was and you're like what the

i didn't even i didn't even know i was an anxious person until i did the bonfire and then people were like yeah yeah that's called

i'm scared all the time and i was like i'm not scared all the time.

I am scared all the time.

I like someone, you know, people will be like, I'm just like you.

I've been talking about losing weight for 20 years and never did it.

I'm like, oh, yeah.

But growing up around that shit, of like growing up around beach stuff, like I didn't grow up around the beach.

Because you were a mountain baby?

Not even, though.

Just a suburbs.

Just a suburbs kid.

Because growing up in Colorado, you got to have money to go to the mountains.

Right.

Yeah.

It's not just like, hey, they're going to let poor kids go up there and they'll give you a pair of skis.

You got to like go up.

And we weren't poor.

We were like dead middle class but being middle class is not skiing it ain't that's that's one weekend a year skiing if that is go try it yeah and if you like it and if you like it uh hopefully some of your other friends from school like it and you can go with their family hopefully they have an older brother yeah exactly

that has the same size skis as you yeah wears a size 13 boot i just remember when my parents are like no you're not playing lacrosse i'm like why not they're like it's so much equipment to buy i was like oh okay i got into it was limiting yeah wow i was the one white kid on Long Island not playing lacrosse.

Oh, my God.

And then they look at you like, what's wrong with you?

Yeah, what's wrong with you?

Is your family poor?

I'm like,

when I'm a senior, they let you get the equipment from the school.

We're a beach family.

I'm on the swim team where you only need goggles.

And I'm on the football team where everything is from fucking 25 years ago.

Dude, the equipment for high school football.

I wonder what it's like now.

I think now.

This is so anecdotal, but I went to my nephew's baseball game and he plays U8 baseball on long island okay under eight yeah every kid had a neoprene sleeve a chain on the outside of their you the fucking they all had walk-up music the parents live stream the game for parents who can't make it it's like it's become so you know and i could only imagine what like a kid who's playing football would get you know what i mean from both the school and like the fear of cte so it's like top tier equipment there's no i got like a helmet that had like three cracks in it and said like i had a fat face pants the only good commie is a dead one or some shit It's like

they go, oh, we don't know.

We haven't used this.

We scooped some brains out of it.

Here's yours.

The baseball thing is hilarious because it is like, I didn't even think about that.

They're all these little Dominicans now.

Yeah, everyone is like aspirationally Dominican.

They're like, puppy, puppy.

My little nephew has like a perfectly lined beard and like tapered pants.

He goes, Uncle John, do you see that picture Adios, Munio?

He throws right up in the zone.

You go, what the fuck?

Where did you learn?

But it's true.

They've almost, this was a little sidetracked, but I think because when we were growing up, it was like, if you played basketball, you like knew what Michael Jordan and Shaq looked like.

And you knew that.

But now

every baseball player, every athlete has got like a walk-on fit before they even put their uniform on.

And now there's like the aesthetics to it.

And then the parents are our age.

And we are the generation that was like, you're not getting that bullshit.

And now your kid's like, dad, can I have the $350 bat that all the other kids on my team have?

And you're like, fuck yes.

My mom said no.

I say yes.

I'm dumber with my money than my family was.

When I begged my mom to play football, I begged my mom to play football.

Sixth grade, my mom's like, I'm going to let you play football.

And I was like, let's go.

We went to Play It Again Sports.

I'm very familiar with both Play It Again and Take Five.

I got almost all my gear there.

Shout out both of them.

I had such an abnormally large head that one.

You're using past tense just kind of for fun.

I have.

I wear so size eight.

It's John.

I got reduction.

I got a Brazilian head reduction.

You look at the back.

I had to go to Portugal for a week.

You went to Turkey instead of getting the hair put on.

You got to reduce it.

I go TMZ to the left.

Some of my motor functions got to me.

Don't touch my soft spot.

I got a new soft spot.

You go, dude, so does your brain.

You can touch it.

You got a head.

He presses hard and he speaks German.

Do a math problem.

I was like, to all for accident

but we went to play it again sports and they're like it was one of those things where a guy goes i can check the back oh man which you don't do at play to gun because it's all there right check the back we have something we might have thrown in the garbage found a uh i needed a white helmet found one and it was giant but it fit and it had the mid this is 1994.

So the face masks that were in were the Derek Thomas.

The thin one with the bull hook in the middle.

that's the one I rocked that one was sick so fucking cool could barely see shit with that hair looks fucking sick it still looks sick I for people who don't have not played football if you're like not if you're a kid and you you're using like borrowed equipment from the school the second you're on the field your vision is like so you're like okay I think I know what I'm doing here then it's like you put the mouthpiece in put the mask on you're like I can't see I can't breathe and the guy across from me seems ready to kill me I haven't even hit puberty yet and everyone you feel like everyone already knows what to do oh well

that is the defining moment for me in sport is when i'm out there and i'm like where did everyone figure this out already

the one guy that missed something i was like trying to get into it in high school in high school i sucked at football but i was trying to get into it and i went to a 7v7 and they were like great and i show up and they're like running jayhawk and i was like uh i don't know what that is and i'm i'll see you guys tomorrow

i remember that moment like it's cover two and i was like okay and i remember in that moment being like, I just want to go smoke a cigarette.

I just remember in that moment being like, I think I'm over all this.

I just need to go rip a marble.

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I never really knew you were allowed to quit things.

So I played football all through years and high, all four years in high school and was bad.

I got most improved player in my senior year, which means like this guy used to be awful and now he chases down punts.

I i almost i think i was in the running for most approved and then i quit after two days

because my mom was like you know you need to like pay for college and i was like what were you getting

it's a little late yeah and then i that's everything of my life everything in my life started late podcast fucking saving money for a fucking college but my mom was like you're paying for college and i was like oh shit and i saw that football wasn't doing so hot.

No, no.

So my mom was like, why don't you get a job?

And I was like, all right.

And then I told my coaches, I was like, I'm getting a job.

And they're like, okay.

They've not like, we're going to miss you.

Whereas, whereas, like, in like the movies, like, I'm getting a job, it's like, look, the team talked.

We're going to give you guys, we're going to only give you guys $100 a week.

So we need you on the team.

But so there's like, I got jobs, like, hey, great.

My cousin works at the grocery store if you need a spot.

Good luck out there.

You seem like a good guy.

And you go, huh?

That's kind of hoping for a stick around.

We actually need a guy like you.

Unskilled and large, but soft.

So I can give

someone else your number.

And you go, you already planned on on doing that

that was me because I was a big fat kid but I didn't really like I I grew three inches or uh in height only in between senior year and freshman year of college yeah so that when I showed up to freshman year of college I was like a young man yeah but when I was 16 17 I was like a boy with B cups and I was just everyone's like you weigh 230 pounds you should play football I'm like totally I'm just kidding oh you gotta be aggressive I am so soft I'm silly Yeah.

I'm telling you right now, silly brain for football.

Nightmare.

However, as a matter of fact, if you get hit three, if you get silly brain, they make you quit.

Yeah.

And then you get a podcast.

Tua has it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

God, Mike, keep him off.

Mike, keep him off the field.

He's got a fucking silly brain.

He's going to have the best podcast that we know, like five years to go, dude, Tua just says some wild shit on his podcast.

Yeah, Tua just has to have like Candace Owens on, and then he goes to make money out of it.

He's going to be in a Tonga Biolola hour.

And he he goes and we're bringing up January 6th he's got a guardian cap on with a mic on it

he's like you know what those hits did to me rat right in my brain literally moved it to the right but they uh i remember played against sports when i got the helmet which you know the helmet is the crown piece of the football yeah because you so on fridays you wear just helmets on third on some days you have just the caps want a cool helmet it's like i would ride a motorcycle just for the helmet i don't know what it is about helmets that i'll tell you what i for me the the first helmet I saw that I was like, helmets fucking roll was the Rebel pilot helmet, the white one with the orange.

I was like, if I had that, I would get so many girls.

It's like my true belief when I was like 13.

Nothing made my little penis move harder than the

motorcycle helmet with the thing, with the flip-down

with the window.

If I see a dude with a flip-down motorcycle, I expect him to pull out a sub-machine gun and shoot at me.

You're a badass.

You're a badass.

You could probably free climb a building.

if if need be or at least you know you take that helmet off and defend yourself in a bar fight so fuck with it

hold it like a space man helmets were so fucking cool and then the second you get older and you're like i don't want a job where i have to wear a helmet like i'm soft like everything you're doing it's like i don't want to play sports that need helmets no yeah i don't want to have i i gave up the bike like my like my only form of transportation when i was 14 because my mom's like they said the law is you got to wear a helmet now i'm like no i don't want to be called gay so i would have used to wear eight years old i would have been like what kind kind of helmets we talking about i know

the second like i if if i could have worn like a rebel pilot helmet or a stormtrooper helmet on my bike as a kid oh dude i remember that

just think you're a parent and your friend's kid comes to pick him up he's on a bike with the stormtrooper helmet

uh you know what dan can't come out why yeah where did you get that and he goes why are you asking questions are you part of the are you part of the rebel alliance or not

are you into this this is not the house you're looking for

But if he did show up with a motorcycle helmet, I'd go like, I'm going to keep my wife inside.

I'm not trying to lose my wife to a kid.

Not again.

He flips it up, amber home.

You're like, fuck out of here, kid.

Get out of here, you cool fucking kid.

Doing like fucking the dirt, turning out dirt, spitting it up and yelling.

Oh, what's up, pussies?

Popping on his back.

Pegs too.

Oh, pegs.

Absolutely.

Dude, my mom was like, no pegs.

Only my friends had pegs, but it didn't matter because I couldn't really ride on them.

I'd be like on my friend's GT Dyno.

It'd be like this, like a chipski in the water.

He's like, do you want to get on the front?

I'm like, I think it'll be worse.

But now I'm starting to think kids now, pegs are like, oh, sexual faith.

Like they,

pegging is so popular.

Two kids are backing their asses up onto a GT mongoose right about now.

It's cold.

It's cold.

It's cold.

It is.

I also think like, not to be like the symbolic old man, pegs are like, for me and a friend, which I don't think kids are doing either.

Get out of here.

Get the fuck out of here with a peg.

They're like, I don't want to have friends.

I ride my own individual fucking cool ass bike and I don't even need to ride with everyone because I come home and play Roblox on iPad with them.

And I do my iChat with my friends.

My friends don't exist in the real world.

But the helmet I got for football was such a letdown because it had the fat 80s face mask for lineman.

Yeah, which you truly need, but you don't want because you want more visibility.

But I wanted to look like Derek Thomas.

I wanted the fucking McMahon fucking

something, but they were like, that's illegal for the kids.

Just a kid running a.

The reason they said we couldn't have it because they were like, the ref or the EMTs need to be able to see your eyes.

And I was like, okay, yeah,

I don't want to play football.

Is this a possibility?

You have to look in my eyes to see if I'm alive.

That's Rose.

The follow-up question, you go, what was that?

Second part.

Oh, we just need to see your eyes.

You go,

to make sure I'm alive?

Yeah.

I think this isn't the sport for me.

And we're playing other children.

And I'm only on goal line offense and defense.

This is like what I do every day after school for six minutes of playing time every weekend.

And you got to see my eyes?

I think I'm out.

What's going on with that?

And then you go see baseball and you go, I'm not down with that either.

No, baseball scared the fuck out of me.

I only played as like a little kid because we were like, it was mandatory, more or less.

Soccer and baseball seemed mandatory for our generation.

They were.

I did my year of soccer, and then I was like, well, fuck that shit.

All practices is running.

Yeah, I stuck with soccer for so long that there was a period of time where I was playing high school football and travel soccer because I was the goalie.

Oh,

good lord.

Yeah, it was.

Were you good at it?

I was better at it.

Did you have gloves?

I had gloves.

Dude, I had gloves in the long sleeve jersey, and I thought I was the fucking cool.

I thought it was Tony Miola.

Yeah.

I wanted a ponytail.

And my dad was like,

shut the fuck up.

That is kind of sick, though, if you're like good at goalie and you're like slapping it away.

Bro, if you just get one where

you bat it away or you grab it right as the attacker is running at it and you just, they don't get to it, that is like, you get to like have that rebound Dennis Rodman moment, but it's Belmore Black Sharks U-13 travel soccer.

But did you have a

leg?

Because a lot of times those goalies could fucking kick it across the table.

I could punt pretty well,

not like the classic fat kid that can, like the kicking mule who can all of a sudden boot it.

One of the earliest jokes that I saw in stand-up comedy that I was the most jealous of was at an open mic where this kid was like, the only place fat kids get respect is Little League.

Because they go, he's got power, back up.

And I remember seeing that joke, and I was like, God damn it, that's a good joke.

I forget whose it was, but that joke lives in my head.

It's like, God damn it, that was a great joke.

That's so real.

Thank you to Babe Ruth for setting that stereotype up for life.

Cecil Fielder, Albert Bell, Babe Ruth, all these fat kids, you knew they'd come to the point.

You're like, this kid's going to hit a a fucking damn.

I know.

Fielder was on the Yankees for a while, and that was like elite for me because I just loved having a fat guy to cheer on.

Then I eventually got Giambi, so I had a guinea to cheer on.

And you got the out-of-shape Giambi.

I know the one I wanted.

The one I felt most representative on.

Not the jack one.

No, I want Gaba Ghoul, fucking Giombi.

That's awesome.

I love that for New York sports fans.

You just have to be just a Dago.

Yeah, Tommy Cutletz, we're three and 14.

He's the worst quarterback he's ever played.

And we're like, his mom makes him cutlets.

Put him in the fucking Pro Bowl.

Bro, they're routing the fucking park a lot.

All these fucking

ginzos are just going like, Dode's the best fucking thing of all time.

Bro, I wouldn't leave my mom's house either if she made the fucking scongeal.

That was the funniest part of watching the New York Giants fans.

Like, it was your friend.

Trying to convince you this girl is right for him and she's clearly a problem.

Yeah.

Where they're like, bro, Anthony DeVito from New Jersey, fucking sick.

He's got a visor.

They fucking tailgate.

They do this, that thing.

And then you watch NFL defenses go, we're just going to make his life a living.

Yeah, we're going to just play basic defense and he will not be able to physically handle it more mentally.

We're going to show you what the NFL is about.

And Italians in New York are still going,

this guy's fucking good.

Well, there is something to that, like Italian-American, specifically the New York Italian-American, which is a culture I'm very familiar with, where they are the experts on everything, even if immediately proven wrong.

Yeah, like I have the uncles that are like, Give me the ball, give me the ball, give me the ball, brick, brick, three bricks in a row.

And they go, That's why you got to shoot with the wrist like that.

And you're like, What?

And then they're gone.

Yeah, they look at the ball and they go, you got to put more air in this ball.

Yeah,

bang, give me that.

Jesus Christ, don't you know how to play?

Nope, poop, whoops, miss.

Okay, and then you're like, and then they leave more confident.

Dude, what sucks is having a single mom in your life.

You run into those guys and they're fucking

shooters.

You're like, like, can you help me learn sports?

My mom's like, oh, sure.

I played softball.

And you go, all right.

It's just that moment where you go, like, I wrestled when I was little.

You get roasted on the baseball field, you're in Little League because you just do a fucking

like Jenny Finch.

You're like the pistol peep of baseball.

You're just literally.

He throws under him.

Dude, 17Ks.

These kids fucking unbelievable.

But it was that feeling of like, you're like, all right, thanks, mom.

You like, saw her trying.

And there is this level where you go, like, she needs this as much as I do.

Yeah.

And you can almost, when you're, when you're the age as a kid that you're like, I don't want to have this interaction anymore, but my dad is really enjoying kicking soccer balls to me.

So I think I have to just do it for another day.

Oh, I almost got that one by you.

Yeah.

He's like, hey, you know, when I was playing soccer, you're like, oh, tell me all about it.

Yeah, I know, I know full well you dropped out of high school in 10th grade, dad.

So tell me all about this soccer league you were in.

You You made up childhood.

I don't know when you did this.

Because, you know, I used to play soccer.

You go, was that when you were working full-time as an eight-year-old from your fucking story?

Weren't you a boat valet at 16?

My dad was a liar.

So he would just make stuff up.

And you'd be like, I don't think this is true.

He'd be like, I was pretty good at football in high school.

And you're like, I had never heard you played football until right now.

And I think you're making stuff up.

Because it just came up without them doing it.

And you're a loser as an adult, which makes me think

if you would have played football, I would have heard about it already.

You would have the framed photo up.

If you had the hits, you would have played them.

And he did.

Please, brother.

Please, brother.

Are you guys, do you have any kids?

No, zero.

And

I think that's going to be the number for life.

Same.

Yeah.

I think we're rolling no child.

We made like a crate.

We went through.

We want one.

We don't want one.

We did IVF and we were like, oh, maybe this is the thing to do.

And then through that, which was an insanely difficult process we still were like maybe maybe and then eventually we had like a series of heart-to-hearts like and then the thing that really triggered for me was like every time I fantasized about my future it was never from a parenting perspective yeah it was always like free time like everything I dreamed of was like never a child it always my wife dogs like all every all my like ah close my eyes and I'm on a beach it's not me teaching a kid how to surf it's just me taking a surfing lesson you know like ripping through a bucket of corona.

Yes.

And I was just like, and my wife, who was more hesitant than I was to have a kid.

So when I came to her with that, she was like, yeah, let's pull the plug.

Let's fuck it.

There is a good feeling.

You know, I think there's a lot of couples out there that that probably has to really suck when one wants a kid and one doesn't.

And you have to like.

It created drama.

And then for us, even then when we came back around to both being on the same side about it, you know, there's still a little like, well, I was right the whole time.

And I, I had to do all the hormone shit.

And I'm like, right, okay, I know it was terrible.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but your tits got so good.

I'll go on TRT if you want me to, babe.

I'm dying to get on fucking tests so bad.

Your scavers on HGH is a problem.

Hello, Dyke.

Welcome back to my podcast.

Hello, girls.

We're not funny anymore.

We're going to talk about great sources of protein.

I'm the color of a hot dog now.

The dog with the neck and steroid neck?

When you see that.

Steroid neck and steroid nipples.

And maybe I'm just going off Joe Rogan's cold plunge videos, but like those are there's looks to these guys now.

They get that uh Hulk and macho man, not to you know, play to home favorites here, but that Hulk and macho.

I know who I'm talking to.

Trying boy.

Hey, I don't know if there's something to brag about, but neither of us have changed in the 20 years since I've met you.

We're still rolling the same we were in 2008.

I literally messaged you and said, and if you aren't recording your podcast, do you want to just get high and play video games?

I'm just down to see you.

Absolutely.

But it really is that like that neck, that like 80s wrestler neck.

Yeah, you get like

muscles there, but then it also pulls your face in a weird way.

And then you get a little bit of the jaw, a little bit of the forehead, and you start looking more and more android, more and more like Max Hedrum, the voice of a new generation.

But you're like, I just don't understand the idea of being silly and on steroids.

No, it feels like

an extra level of suspension and disbelief you have to do with the crowd.

Like being jacked and then being like, do you guys want to know something funny that happened today?

And you go, I don't know.

You won't believe what happened to me.

I was actually the lower status person in an engagement at the coffee shop, and it was humorous.

I could have physically disarmed the person, but instead, mentally, I just took note of it.

And now I am using it as a setup to a punchline.

It's also crazy when you're like, No, I kind of want you to be a piece of shit.

I don't need you to be

like,

I do feel like there is like a level of comedy, a level two comedy, where the audience is like, I just want to meet someone someone who's

humorously explains how their life is worse than mine.

That's the, I mean, that is the golden rule.

So I can leave.

Oh, I laughed.

And soder.

That guy's sad about his dad, huh?

It's like weird.

You don't want to go in and go like, that guy's got a good life.

Yeah.

He's doing pretty good.

Yeah.

You're just like holding up your Robin Hood stock portfolio on stage.

So right here, look at that.

That was the third quarter.

Up here's the fourth quarter.

A little higher, huh?

Yeah.

We're close to retirement.

You know, it's funny you said about like in the visions of your future, there never was a kid.

I remember growing up, I'd always be like, who are these like alcoholic uncles and aunts?

And like, get a life, you loser.

And now I'm like, oh, I'm ready to come back to drinking.

And when I do, I'm about to be a drunk uncle.

I'm like the Hollywood uncle.

And me and my wife are because every one of our nephews and nieces lives in New York.

So we are the most interested.

We come back.

Uncle Nani, you have your toenails painted.

It's like, yes, anyone can do whatever they want.

And all the Long Island conservatives are like, get away from him.

That's called the woke mind virus.

I wore a speedo on vacation in Montauk, and it broke my entire family's mind.

That is great.

That is great.

Like, Jesus Christ, Jonathan, you don't got a bigger fucking pair of trunks you can put on?

And I'm like, what the fuck, guys?

I am excited for like when our niece gets to like 16, and she's like, oh, so that's why Uncle Dan goes outside and comes back in in a way weirder mood where he doesn't really listen.

My whole family does it.

We call it check in the pool filter.

That's sucked.

Because my mom has an above-ground pool.

So

if this is not the obvious most Long Island sentence ever, I smoke weed by my mom's above-ground pool.

They go, all right, Montauk.

I remember when I moved to LA and someone's like, they have a pool.

And me and my wife were like, is it above ground or in-ground?

They were like, we don't have above-ground pools here.

They're all, if we say pool, it means in-ground.

It means California.

Every pool is inside.

I could not believe that.

It's inside the ground.

They do not.

And when you have an above-ground pool, once you swim in one and you see one in the ground, you're like, well, of course.

Yeah, this makes a lot more sense.

You don't have a fucking four-foot wall of light blue in the middle of your yard to look at it.

Or being like little and being like, mom, could we get a pool?

She's like, no, we have to dig the ground up.

And I was like, yeah, good point.

And then the first time I saw an above-ground pool, I went, you sons of bitches.

You lied to me.

If we didn't know, I didn't know we could have done.

In our backyard, that would have worked so poorly.

An above-ground pool would have been horrible.

It is really fun when, like,

growing up on Long Island, some of the kids who got an above-ground pool, they didn't really have the yard for it.

Yeah, so you'd like go out their back door, go down like the porch steps, and then it'd be like the pool ladder is like right there, and you like leave your towel like hanging on a lawnmower that's like super close.

And it's like spider webs and shit.

But you know, it in hindsight, like the dad is like, We got, I got a fucking pool at home.

All right, I did great OT this year, dude.

My favorite thing is Joe List's family has a pool table in their house.

They don't have the room for it.

So there is one part where like you're like up against the wall like this, and Joe's dad will fuck your shit up on that.

He's, he'll like come up and be like, he can only, he can only, he's got like a little tiny like Kramer maestro thing.

I was like, Steve, I'll play you.

He's like, cap, cap, cap.

And I was like, that's some real home court shit.

It's like Boston, where they go, well, get in a fucking pool table.

And you're like, we don't have the room.

He's like, well, fucking putting it in the living room.

There's 25 fucking Q-size holes in the wall behind you.

Just don't hit the fucking wall.

And you're a visitor and you're like, oh,

I don't think this is physically possible.

That's my favorite shit of people getting stuff that they can't fit and just...

forcing it.

Yeah, they're like, no, this, like, I got a good deal on it.

Like, we had a Super Contra arcade game in my basement.

That was incredible.

Incredible.

Kind of a boring game.

Even with unlimited quarters, we never beat it.

And I'm like, Spectrum-y and want to finish everything.

I could not fucking do it.

How far did you get?

So far, but the game just speeds up in such a disgust.

And

having your own arcade game with unlimited quarters really shows you like the tax on poor people that arcades are.

It's like the lotto for 14-year-olds because none of...

For my birthday one year, we went down to the

barcade in downtown LA.

I took out $50 and I said, I need three people to play X-Men the Arcade game with me and we're going to fucking beat it for once.

40 lives.

I'm like, I can't play this game anymore.

It's boring.

It's so repetitive.

It's getting so hard.

Who were you?

I was Wolverine.

Of course.

But my favorite, because I'm usually Colossus.

I was going to say, the only three worth of shit in that game are Wolverine, Colossus, and Cyclops.

Yes.

Because Cyclops Laser Beam clears the whole ball.

Now, you can tell we played this when we were growing up because we didn't play Dazzler or Storm, the two women.

No, the three best are the boys.

Don't give me no digital pussy.

I'm playing fucking X-Men.

This used to get...

God X-Woman.

Well, the X-Chromostone said, shut the fuck up, okay?

Yeah, we understand that.

We understand that.

It's the Y that makes the guy shut the fuck up.

They're not called the Y-Men.

I got like street cred back then because I could go

and do the Colossus impression.

And I would literally have friends come up to me on the playground and be like, Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel, do Colossus.

And they all nailed it.

And he's like, yeah, fuck it.

Got it.

Dude,

you realize that arcade games are that scene from Wayne's World.

Yes.

Where he goes, you want to know the best part?

It's the Brian Doyle Murphy.

The Bate Gelatin is cubed.

It goes village to village.

You can't get.

There is no level two.

And you're like, oh, fuck.

I saw that.

I've ever seen that and be like, this does feel like.

It really is that shit.

I think I've beat one game in the arcade and it was

Street Fighter II.

Oh, hell yeah.

But it was like past its prime.

Mortal Kombat came out and everyone moved on to Mortal Kombat.

Yeah.

And I hammered Street Fighter II.

That's Dan Soder.

Tekken 3 just dropped and he's still on Street Fighter II.

My dad worked at this liquor store in Mill Valley in San Francisco.

called Dan's Liquors, which I always thought was named because he loved me.

Oh, you're not Junior.

He's not Dan.

No, he's scary.

He uh was a clerk there

also would let me steal sodas and candy you do automatically get hired at liquor stores if your name is gary right

you know how this goes my dad goes i know how it goes hey gary yeah he goes i'll stock the cigarettes in the cigarettes up there he goes i know how to refill those my name's gary but there was a arcade down the street from dan's liquors and i would go when i went because i would stay with my dad in the summers and winters i would be like oh this I got to go to the arcade.

And I remember the line for Street Fighter 2 was like out the door.

You had to wait to play it.

So you'd play Neo Geo.

Do you remember Neo Geo?

Bro, we had one in our Super Pizza, which was our local pizza hangout.

Which had Wind Jammers?

Wind Jammers.

Puzzle Bobble.

Rampage.

Must move.

Rampage.

Rampage 2.

Uh-huh.

World of Heroes, which was a...

Knockoff of Street Fighter.

Oh, yeah.

And then they also had Metal Slug, which was like a knockoff of Contra, but better.

Yeah.

I like Metal Slug.

So what was funny about that, one time on the bonfire, I brought up, like, I'd go to this arcade and play Neo Geo, or I'd say I played Neo Geo.

And

you talk about podcast fans, all these people were like, Soder grew up rich.

He grew up with the Neo Geo.

I was like, excuse me?

It was a standing arcade game at the arcade.

I didn't even know.

I looked it up.

I didn't know you could have it as a home concert.

Now, here's the thing.

I did know that because there was one summer where this is an interesting level of wealth.

One summer, my parents wanted to sell their house, but couldn't find a new one.

So we all moved in with my grandfather, who was like a widow for 25 years, never had anyone in his house, added five trashy humans and a dog.

And they felt so bad for me and my brother having to live there and move and live a wholesome that they took us to video games and more on Merrick Road and let us rent a Neo Geo for seven days.

I did not leave the fucking basement.

I had like fucking, I looked like Nosferatu, San's mustache at the end.

When you rent a video game system, because my mom was totally against me getting an N64 until it finally, after a couple of years, I put the until she played a few rounds of WCW versus NWO.

I was like, fuck, this game rips.

She goes, what is this, World Tour or Revenge?

She goes, I got gold.

Pump a pump?

Oh, hell yeah.

I've been waiting to be DDP.

She goes, fuck a stunner.

Give me a cutter.

Yeah, I want to see that DC, baby.

My mom's coming to the kitchen.

She goes, dinner's ready.

Sweet.

Sweet.

But I remember when you rented a video game system, it felt like having the nuclear football.

Oh.

You felt like bringing it home.

You were like, because it would come in like a suitcase that you'd get a blockbuster.

And that was something that seemed so opulent.

Yeah.

To be like, I'm renting a system.

System.

And it felt, you felt like, how do we even hook this up?

So I was blindsided when I was like, yeah, I played Neo Geo or whatever.

And all these people are like, soda grew up rich.

I was was like dog i didn't even know you could bring one home i only knew it from it being in the game yeah in the actual

and that was cool because it was one of the few arcades where there was more than one game loaded in in the middle game yeah in the middle button you would switch to each screen and i loved world of heroes they had a bruce lee character that i loved and they did What I liked about it was it was more Mortal Kombat than Street Fighter because they did like deathmatches.

And so the ropes would be on fire or you could kick people into spikes.

And I was like, this shit rules.

That's awesome.

So while everyone was sucking off street fighter 2 i'm over here putting in neo geo time

next summer i come back to see my dad and mortal kombat's out and everyone's like oh we're playing mortal combat i jump on the street fighter 2 and now that i realize that i kind of just cheated using i think i used ryu up to a point and then dulseem just to just to crouch and kick but i beat the game and no one cared i beat bison

no one cared that is the realest shit as a 42-year-old who wants to call my wife in and go, I just finished The Last of Us 2.

This game is fucking.

I'm playing that right now.

I'm playing Last of Us 2 right now.

At the start of the pandemic, I bought a PS5 and just played all the PlayStation-only titles because I was Xbox up until then.

Oh, Ms.

Shima.

Yep.

I played that.

Spider-Man.

Some sequels coming out this year.

Oh, I can't fucking wait.

Spider-Man 1, Miles Morales, and Spider-Man 2.

So fucking good.

Unbelievable.

Last of Us 1 and 2.

So, Last of Us 1, I beat.

Yeah.

Right.

Katie was still on ESPN and she's still at her podcast podcast when Last of Us 2 came out.

She's big video game fan.

She was like, Last of Us 2, I'm so excited.

PlayStation was like, yo, you're pretty loud about being a PlayStation fan.

They sent us a Last of Us 2 trunk to our old place in Jersey with the hard copy of the game.

It was PS4.

It's before PS5 came out.

Fucking a backpack.

She got like the backpack that LE carries and like buttons and shit.

And I can finally admit this because this is a safe space.

I was so jealous I didn't play it.

She beat it.

She beat it, and I was like.

And you're like, I actually don't even care.

I go, you know what?

I don't even.

Are you going to bring the trunk to our new apartment?

Okay, it's fine.

It's still in

the storage New Jersey.

It's so funny because

this is the safe space.

This is the first time I can admit it.

We've come a long way since Geicode.

I cried when my wife got a video game I wanted.

You know what's breaking Geicode?

Be jealous of your wife.

But I remember she

beat it

and she was like, you should play it now.

Because we had that hard physical copy.

And I was like, no, I was finding excuses.

She's like, no, I'm all right.

I didn't like love the first one.

I'm replaying Red Dead 2.

I don't think I need to play it.

And then

last week, we like said something.

And she was like, something about Last of Us 2.

And I was like, oh, I never played that.

And she was like, you never played it?

And I was like,

no.

And then I downloaded it.

I was playing it all weekend.

this is my last weekend off before I go back on the road dude I put I love it do you bring a console on the road with you uh I have a steam deck yeah I'm a steam deck guy too yeah man video game nerds it's so funny to watch my fan base because my uh fans of this podcast don't they're they're pretty vocal when I start talking sports there's a group that's like stop talking sports I don't know sports but then I start talking about video games and sports people are like stop being gay you're talking about sports you're talking about video games you contain multitudes so but I'm just telling you steam deck has changed the way I travel because you travel all the time.

Yes, I am a fucking edible and Steam Deck time traveler.

I just arrive wherever I want to go.

Fucking, oh, Mikey does the fucking Steam Deck too.

Hell yeah.

Dude, I'm telling you, I am, I just played.

I almost brought it to play on the subway here.

But I did.

It's dangerous.

Yes, it's dangerous.

And then I did the math on, oh, I'm mostly walking, so I'll just fucking leave it.

But for a plane, you busted out on a plane.

I'm playing Midnight Fight Express, which I'm almost done playing.

Oh, I've heard.

I want to play that.

It's very fun.

Play Sifu.

I've done.

I have played Sifu and I like it.

You played all the way through?

No, I got really upset with it.

You have to let go of dying.

You just have to let go.

You're going to die.

Okay.

I got so good at it.

I beat it all the way through.

And then there's a way that you actually beat it.

The way you beat it isn't by beating the five bosses.

There is a other way, a way to inner peace.

Oh,

I got to finish.

it.

I'm going back.

Fucking rules.

And they have a new game coming out that's nothing like it.

But that fucking comb full movie.

That game is so fun.

It is so, if you like, beat them up third person.

It is, it's hard to find a game that scratches that itch that the way that my friend Des told me about it.

It's almost like real fighting.

Like this is the most corny video.

It's like the closest to actual combat that I've ever experienced.

I know you played your.

No, it's not.

This is corny.

What's the girl's talking about?

Oh, he's never been in combat.

This game, though, is like you control someone in a kung fu movie yes and you just so fuck shit up and the the conceit is if you die you come you come back older you come back a little older more powerful but uh a little weaker yes you get like better at moves as you become through at the age of 20 i've gotten all the way through at the age of 20 which i'll tell you right now the cussing in the walls of Hilton's and Marriott's.

I get older than sitting cross-legged on my bed playing that going, motherfucker.

Because

the art expo level is is fucking damn near impossible to beat her.

And then, I mean, Sean, I got him.

Toast.

Done.

Sorry, Sean.

The artist, pretty tough.

But then you go to the corporation and then the final level,

I had to look up what to do because I couldn't beat the final guy.

But once you look it up and you figure it out, then you got to go all the way back through.

Holy, I had it on PlayStation, so now I think I got it ported.

I got to get it on Steam.

I played it on Steam Deck.

Yeah.

Loved it so much.

Downloaded it on PS5 so I could play it again.

And now I'll pick it back up and play a level and just get absolutely worked like the club level, and then I'll come back and play it again.

You just said something sitting cross-legged playing the Steam Deck.

I never feel more like a teen girl than when I'm playing the Steam Deck in my hotel room or whatever, because I keep, you know, you eventually get uncomfortable and then you're like on your belly,

dude, hanging off the back of the couch.

You're just trying anything, and you're like, it's like a long conversation with your crush.

Dude, the thing that always makes me feel better about it is Big Jay calls it tummy time.

He goes, I need my tummy time.

And and i was like brother relatable as i'm right there with you when you have to get up and stretch because you played a handheld video

and you're like dude get off your phone dude stop being on your phone all the time like and like and i'm on steam deck all the time i'm doing this because i held it up on my head my arms are asleep yeah i'm going i just need to take a little walk around the hotel maybe go get some of that lobby coffee and come down dude on a thursday night when they're you know on on the road at a club you'll do five shows one thursday two friday two saturday which i'm doing a tour at the end of the year which is going to be one city a night and i'm kind of like but what about my what about my tummy time yeah but um there is something about it since i quit drinking thursday night shows over and it's like 9 30.

and the next thing you have to do is 7 p.m friday night you're like okay and there's a good restaurant in town

i'm gonna smoke a blunt to the face i'm gonna go munch up and then i got uh brandon sagalo comes on the road with me a lot and he got a steam deck and i was like and i was like,

and then it became a thing where we were like, I was like, dude, Max Payne 3 is on Steam Deck.

I don't know, it was the last time you played that game.

I have not played it in forever.

Is it worth it?

Brother,

go get it.

It's a Steam Deck game that it eats the battery so fast.

Dude, I'll be on the fucking plane.

I'll take my noise-canceling headphones off, and I'll hear my thing is like,

and

my leg is super hot.

And I'm like, holy shit.

I'm getting cancer.

I'm getting cancer.

Should I move this thing?

I mean, I told you I'm not trying to have kids, so I don't.

They go, we don't want to fuck up boners.

They go, we don't need to give you a vasectomy.

You're firing blanks.

Did you wear a Speedo since you were 13 and hang out mostly in hot tubs with hot controllers and shit?

Your hold radiation next to your nuts to your non-stop.

Yeah, sorry.

I shaved my balls using the microwave mirror.

Have you ever seen a guy get jealous of your Steam Deck?

Dude.

I got jealous.

I used to have a Nintendo Switch for travel, and then

I think a cleaning lady at a hotel took it, which was brutal.

But really, what a gift.

Yeah.

You can buy a new one.

Right.

And her, she brought something home from her kid.

Yeah.

Her kid was super happy.

I, unfortunately, the kid can't buy any more video games on my credit card.

I did call the Nintendo World and showed that to me.

I'm happy for you guys, but not that happy.

Your grossness might only go a little bit.

But then I was like, fuck, I got to get another handheld for traveling.

And someone's like, dude, you should get the Steam Deck because I'm like, I really like those indie flash games.

Like, I'm a big card, card you know deck building rogues like slay the spire i really love monster train i really love did you love dave the diver dude i put like a hundred hours

dave the diver by the way is like i'm a scuba diver and he's fat with a beard i was i never felt so represented on screen katie somehow got word about dave the diver for a month and a half.

I'd go out in the living room and she'd be like, sorry, it's sushi night.

I got to get this together.

And she'd be like, putting together the.

I could not believe I loved the vibes of the diving and the music and and you're having such a good time.

It's like Godzilla?

Yeah.

And then

the next day, you're like, now you work at a sushi restaurant.

I'm like, what the fuck is this fucking game?

And then by the third night, I'm like, dude, I have to pour the beers a little better or else I'm not going to get customer satisfaction.

And we need the money so we can buy the recipe for the spider roll.

I was like sitting here doing something and I sure kitty go, well, that guy walked out.

And I was like, what?

All of a sudden, I'm so invested in a fake restaurant.

I think a real restaurant job would help me more in life than me playing this game that I'm like.

And Dave the diver.

But it is, it was a game.

We had my buddy Laszlo, who worked at Rockstar, came on the show.

Hell yeah.

And he was the one where he called me one time and he's like, you know, he was talking to me about something, I think like a project he was working on.

And he's like, what are you doing?

I was like, I'm in Buffalo, just playing my Switch,

about to go to do the shows.

He goes, dude, fuck a Nintendo Switch.

Get a Steam Deck.

And this is like three years ago.

Shit.

And I was like, I don't know about a Steam Deck.

And then last Christmas, Katie's like, do you want anything?

I was like, I kind of would get a Steam Deck, but it would never be something I would buy myself.

She got me the Steam Deck.

I downloaded Max Payne, which, or Mad Max.

I played all of Mad Max, which was unbelievable.

So fun.

And then we, because we do a road trip out to Colorado and back for Christmas, stopping in Chicago, see her, her brother and sister-in-law and niece.

That Steam Deck on the drive home, we got snowed in in Nebraska.

It was the greatest thing I've ever had in my life.

Fuck a boot knife.

Fuck anything else.

It was like, oh, I can just sit in this car and I have my one hitter.

I have my little fucking bat and dugout next to me.

And I was like, I can stay in this car for like 36 hours if I need to.

And I had to go inside a Motel 6 and charge my Steam Dash behind the desk.

I was like, can I charge this?

The guy was like, yeah.

And then I didn't want anyone to take it.

So I was falling asleep like watching it.

But dude, I'd go back out and be like, dude, I'm going to go get a harpoon on my car.

I wish my battery worked a little.

It's the only thing.

They're coming out with a new one that apparently is going to have.

Yeah, Yeah, it's going to have a better battery life.

I can get one across, like almost one LA to New York flight out of it, just about if I start it late.

So, shout out Joe at the stand.

He jailbroke my Steam Deck and put an emulator on there.

So I have every 64, Sega, Super Nintendo, Nintendo, Jesus, Dreamcast.

Oh, hell yeah, Virti Tennis.

But that, dude, Virti Tennis, the first UFC game on Dreamcast is unbelievable.

Oh, that's fun.

I remember that.

He put PS2 games on it: NBA Street Volume 2, Def Jam,

Def Jam Vendetta, Fight for New York.

Dude, that's crazy.

Dude, I was playing Def Jam,

Fight for New York on a plane on my Steam Deck, and this guy sitting next to me, button-up black businessmen or whatever.

He's just sitting there, you know, just like looking at his phone or whatever.

And then as the flight, I think we're flying like San Francisco or something.

He looks over and he goes.

Are you playing Def Jam Vendetta?

And I was like, oh yeah, I'm about to fuck up Red Man.

And he goes, goes, how the fuck did you get that?

And then did you just cut over 30 minutes later?

He goes, find him.

He's like, oh, shit.

And then I gave it to him.

He was like, oh.

And when I handed it to him, he's like, so this is Steam Deck.

I was like, yeah, you got to get it Jailbroke.

You can find people.

Jailbroke and Steam Deck is the next Safari search on his list.

Well, they did this thing.

It's funny you bring up WCW versus NWO.

My favorite wrestling game of all time is WWE No Mercy, WWF No Mercy, whatever you want to call it, WrestleMania 2000, that AKI

form of video game.

Well, they did a new one.

Now people are so good at computers.

They did WWF superstars, and they did like a no-mercy, but with all 80s wrestlers, with the music and shit.

I have been trying to find out how to download this on my Steam Deck.

I've gone into subreddits

where they're talking code, and I'm like, I have no idea.

If you're good at this stuff, please hit me up.

Find me.

I need WWF Legends on my Steam Deck.

If I get that video game on my Steam Deck, I will need nothing else.

Yeah, and it's like Panacea.

You'll be fine.

I will be.

Crime will go down.

Crime will go down.

The economy will go up.

Your loads will be heavier.

Fruits will be smeared.

Cats and dogs living together.

Total anarchy.

But it really is one of those things where you find that out.

You're like, it gives you a childlike feeling of like...

I am.

So never really been on Reddit before, but video games have gotten me back.

And I'm like, and when you search stuck on this level in Baldur's Gate 3, or stuck with this boss on Baldur's Gate 3, first you get 26 AI article responses that make you realize that the internet is dead.

It's all dead internet.

And then you go to the fucking Reddit threads and then you're like, wait a minute, these guys or these people,

guys,

put in a shit ton of effort.

One girl, 87 guys.

Yeah.

One girl, 87 guys, 13 shooters.

And they're all commenting and they're like, and I'm just like, holy shit, there's, and then, so I, I still have never written anything, but I searched like Heroes of Might and Magic 3 was my favorite game, whatever.

And then someone's like, you got to get Songs of Conquest on Steam.

And I'm like, what's that?

So many indie games are like kind of reminiscent of classics.

And I've been, I've got now like, I'm on hour 55 of Songs of Conquest, this boring ass fucking

sauce gather.

I'm having the time of my fucking life.

There's nothing better than finding out a friend of yours is into a nerdy ass video game.

Shane Gillis loves the army conquest games that are like, I'm not playing that where he's like, I've set my forts up.

One time we were at a skank fest in like Houston and I was like, I got there early.

I'm like, what are you doing, dude?

Let's get lunch.

He's like, cool, come by my room.

And I go up there and he's like,

sorry, I'm setting my armies.

And I was like, yo, what the fuck are you doing?

And I love it.

That's the best.

Because when people have like that specific genre that they're into where they're like, I play video games.

You're like, oh, cool.

Like, Sifu, this that you throw out there, like, no, no, I play uh, World War II Invasion, you know, it's like all that kind of stuff that you're like, then you find other people that like it, and they're like, oh, fucking it,

dude.

Go take a look at the Sifu subreddit.

I will.

Might help you out.

Thank you.

My mess.

And remember, peace is the only way forward.

And peace is when I beat it, dude.

The funny part is, thank God Katie's into video games.

Thank fucking God.

Because what I go outside and tell her, it makes me feel like a retarded child.

I am obsessed with

college football 2025.

Came back out this year for the first time in 10 years,

have played it nonstop.

Not that good at it.

Played my friend Des, who's great at it.

Beat the brakes off me.

But I run about seven good plays that will get me done.

But I run a dynasty that is so like, I'll go out and be like, hey, Katie.

That power back from Florida committed to Arizona.

And she's like, okay.

And then I go in there and like, thank God I'm not having kids.

Because at the age of like like 11 my kid would be like oh so my dad's retarded

My wife and I have a very complex relationship over video games because she doesn't play them at all But recently I've been putting in I put in a lot of hours and finally beat Baldur's Gate 3 which is one of the hardest video games It's one of my young cousin Jameson.

He's like no, it's not because he's like a little like fuck you It is but it is the most and this is a selling point for me might not be for other people, but I think it's the most

like classical like adaptation of Dungeon Dragons ever put into a video game.

Okay.

It plays just like DD, all the same rules.

It's so awesome.

I'm sure like the Spectrum-y DD kids went ape shit for this.

Oh my god.

But I was having the time my fucking life with this game.

And Tiffany was like listening in the other room.

She's like, that music's beautiful.

What are you listening to?

I'm like, it's that game Boulder's Gate 3 that I've been telling you about that I've been dying to play and it's DD.

And I talk to my friends all day on the phone about it.

She's like, I'm like, you should really just sit down and just watch a little bit just to see how beautiful the voice acting and the scenery is.

And then the scene she sits down for.

Somehow, this succubus is fucking my main character, who's a half mind flayer, half elf, and he's got his like dick out, and he's fucking, and she's like, I'm so sorry, what the fuck?

And she's like, give me your seed if you want to live.

And she's like spinning and there's fire everywhere.

And I'm like, Tiffany's like, are you fucking serious?

But it's pretty hot though, isn't it?

But I'm like, this is not the whole game, I swear to God.

It was like back in the day when I'd watch wrestling.

My mom would come to me and be like, what the fuck are you watching?

It's like a bikini match.

And you go, it was a bikini match, but it's not.

No.

His name's Papa Shango.

He's actually a voodoo guy.

So be careful.

That's actually kind of cool.

the one that never gets me is i love i still love the wwe games so i play 2k24 and the soundtrack is dog shit it has to be they let post malone pick the songs oh finally and that guy needed a few bugs i don't know i don't know if he's just hammered on bub light when he picked these songs but it is and wwe 2k fans will agree this is that's easily the worst soundtrack they've ever put on it because sometimes they put some bang like they have bust of rhymes which is great when it goes on there but a lot of times i have to turn the music off.

Yeah, because I'm like, dude, this

sucks.

It's not Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2.

No, the greatest soundtrack of all time.

Please, more motorhead.

Yeah, I now know the song Ace of Spades by heart at 14.

Because I fucking was doing a playground level non-stop trying to get the 20x.

But what's funny is

there was a song on 2K23, on WWE 2K23 with Post Malone and Ozzy Osborne, where it's like, take what you want and go.

And she would just hear it in the other room.

And I would start singing it.

And she'd be like, don't do it.

Because you know, when you like absorb things that are in the other room, so you don't even realize it's in your brain.

Oh, yeah, just in your brain.

Dude, I just caught her back in Jersey at one point, like, doing something.

And she goes, take what you're threw it down.

And she's like, motherfucker, it's in my head.

Yeah, you got to go get the fucking men in black gun at that point to get that shit out of there.

Put bad music on video games because that worked for Madden.

And I think everyone saw that.

That they were like, oh, you put your songs on Madden.

that shit's gonna go through the roof right and that and just another way for video games to be like a cross general like oh yeah you can make money selling music you got you could buy the Madden soundtrack like all this shit like unlock that like that shit gets you remember and this is something this is dating ourselves but like how sick it was the first time you put on a video game and real music was on it right not midi music yeah I think it might have been that like on PlayStation or something yes it was SSX or Tony THPS2 for me

And you put it on, you're like, no, this is a real song.

It wasn't like,

you're like, oh, this is a fucking jam.

And now I'm like, stop with the music.

We, Final Fantasy 2, or maybe it was 3, 7, I know that's six and whatever, but

two or three here has this boss fight music.

And we were stuck on, me and my brother were stuck on the boss for like six days.

And it also got to the point where like my mom would be like, you have to go to bed.

And we would shut the TV off, but leave the Nintendo on and be like we need it to be okay when we come back down

and it's so crazy but the song ended up being like so and it's like

and me and my brothers got so in it was around christmas time we started making up christmas carols to the tune of that we were losing our fucking mind

and i'm just having like a sense memory flashback to our gaming our nintendo system was hooked up to a like nine-inch computer monitor in the corner of our basement not we had a real tv that my dad used to watch sports on.

So our video game was around the corner.

And the bench that we sat on in front of it was the middle bench from a van that we had been totaled.

But my dad's like, the bench is still good.

We got to take it.

He's not wrong.

And so we're sitting on a two-seater car bench in the basement, looking at like a nine-inch TV for 14 hours a day.

Just straining your eyes.

And then they're like, oh, sitting too close to the TV.

You're like, also having a shitty TV and a van bench.

It'll fuck your eyes up.

Yeah, I know.

I think I gave myself scoliosis that winter.

There are things about video games where it'll affect like your mental health in a way.

When I was trying to beat God of War and I was fighting the Valkyries, there's like this thing they say where they're like, sha, not again.

And you're just like here and you're like, oh, fucking kill you.

It was like, I was rate, it was like rage baiting me.

Bro, along those lines, there was a period of time where I was playing GoldenEye so much that I would accidentally strafe in real life.

Like I'd walk, I'd like walk into 7-Eleven and go to the left, like not turn.

I'd go to the left and go down the aisle and then go and then then like and not and I was like because you learn to strafe around corners so you don't get caught blind now.

I'm starting I'm doing it like in a 7-Eleven and I feel fucking insane dude.

I uh or like any like blocks game and you like close your eyes and just fucking puzzle bobble is like bust a move is going in your head the whole time.

You'll enjoy this this entire weekend when I would stop playing PlayStation.

I would go into a room and look for supplies like I'm the last of us.

I'd be like, this is pretty good.

Just a bottle of water.

I'd like grab a bottle of water and be like, probably make a med kit with this.

Just like walking through.

Boom, nuts and bolts.

Oh, half of a scissor.

Great.

I can make a fucking exploding bomb.

Yeah, dude, it is.

We grew up.

Ah, sushi, eat the plate too.

We really did grow up perfectly aligned with video games.

Like, kids now are coming in and they're all like.

modern and shit.

We watched it go from 8-bit, 16-bit, 32-bit.

Which I think,

of course, everyone is going to think their experience was the best, but I think think it let our brain develop with video games rather than video games developing our brains a little.

Yeah, it absolutely was because it was like the first time, dude, I remember the first time I played Satan.

Even having a console game, like your parents can get in the way of that a little.

The second your game is like an iPad or on a phone or something like that, your life like.

I won't put games on my phone.

I have to.

I have to stop.

I mean, granted, we have a Steam Deck, which is...

I've gotten up off the toilet and collapsed with like pins and needles in my legs for playing Bellatro for too long.

But it is true because I feel like if I had a phone, I would, my brain, my pathway.

Have you ever like taken Instagram off your phone?

Yes.

And you go to click it and it's not there and you're like, whoa, that's weird.

Yeah, I got this app called Brick where it's like this little thing.

This is not an ad, but this little thing that I is a magnet to the side of my desk.

And if I open Brick and tap my phone to it, it can close whatever, make whatever apps I want unusable until I tap the brick again.

Oh, wow.

And I do that to myself.

And then I'm still compulsively trying to open Instagram and it's like breaking my brain a little.

When I, like, I want to say like in

September, I took Twitter off my phone because as an NFL fan, you know, you're a Giants fan.

Yeah.

Niners and Giants both had horrible seasons.

Yeah, I don't want to read that.

I learned this season, this NFL season, was so much more enjoyable because I'm off Twitter.

I still post on Twitter, but I don't go on Twitter.

Yes.

I need to develop that relationship.

And it was like, well, thanks to him.

He like posts clips and stuff and I never have to go on it.

So I'm like, later.

Because I noticed it wasn't politics or sensationalized news stories or all the stuff that were, which is meant to get you upset.

It was sports stuff.

Yeah.

It was like someone being like,

I remember the last time I got mad about sports was, I'm all over the map sports-wise, but I grew up 49ers Giants, so from the Bay Area, but then I grew up in Denver, so I'm a Nuggets fan.

Okay, complicated.

Nuggets.

Thank God you, thank God you didn't become a Golden State Warriors fan.

That would have been brutal.

I was.

I mean,

I was.

And then I left.

When I was, and I've told the story before, when I was 10 years old, they traded Tim Hardaway to the Heat.

And I told my dad, I was like, I'm going to be a Nuggets fan now.

And my dad goes, you sure you want to do that?

And I was like, positive.

This guy, DeKenbay's, got it.

He did.

He did.

It's when they upset the Supersonics.

Yeah, yeah.

I became a fan of theirs 93, 94, they beat the Supersonics.

But

my grandma, who passed away last year, Warriors fan her whole life.

I mean, Niners, Giants, but she was a dubs fan.

Like, she loved the Warriors

and she was very aware that I chose the Nuggets over the Warriors and she let it be known she would always be like you could have been in a dynasty right now

I know and Steph Curry is so fun to watch and then they would just beat him on the nuggets I'd be like why did I do this but last year in the playoffs uh nuggets eliminated the lakers two years in a row Bang

because Jamal Murray's insane but I noticed how mad it got me the Minnesota series because they were like up two and everyone's like fuck the nuggets and i would just go on twitter i'd be like on the subway and i'd be reading twitter like like lakers fans being like nuggets downfalls upon us and i'd be like writing tweets back like you fucking i hope you get cancer and i'm like what am i doing bro the what am i doing i i finally stopped myself from ever replying to anything that bothers me i i don't even reply to things i like anymore i just will read it and have full-blown emotional fucking i'll go all over the map you want to talk about doing something that makes you enjoy your sports season more this year i stopped watching the giants and my sundays have been so much fun like week six i was like what if i didn't dedicate four hours to a sun on a sunday to getting depressed i love it though dude i love my i love the niners so much and it was like i did the thing when they were eliminated i think it was uh the dolphins who eliminated which i grew up with the head coach so that was like a tough game for me to watch and he was joking around with about he's like i know you were cheering for the Niners.

That's why I had to eliminate him from playoff contention.

And I was like, fuck you, Mike.

But

I remember doing those things.

It was very similar when I drank, where I'd make these giant, like, I'm done doing that.

And I went into the living room and I go, Katie,

I'm done.

The Niners have been eliminated.

I don't care about this season.

And then cut to me the next week being like, from the fucking ball.

And I'm just like, still flipping out.

But I love it.

It's something that I love.

I noticed taking Twitter out of it has made me enjoy it 20 times more.

It is something like, I know it's like

sort of rote to say at this point, but it does, it is a way to let you feel feelings.

It makes you feel

until you realize that these people that are you're that you're getting mad at don't know you and some of them are such pussies they won't put their face out that you're like yeah why am i mad at this guy that's the thing you got to realize too about the social media is like the person you're talking to could be 14

could be developmentally disabled could be wasted could be having the worst day of their life, could be pilled out of their mind.

So frequently, it's like, I remember why I'm like, oh, I'm too high for this app.

Like, I'm about to message this woman doing split lunges.

And it's like, I don't know her.

I'm about to make a comment, like, great form.

I'm going to get, like, divorced over this.

I got to put this fucking thing down.

Put it away.

The dead dad sports thing made me think of

my dad passed away like, 13 years ago at this point, but

I had my brothers over to watch a Giants game in my Brooklyn Brooklyn apartment.

Like, the first time we all got together after he died, and it was football season was kind of, and we were watching Kevin Boss, I remember, was the title, and we kept being like,

We were fucking wasted, like, I love him, dude.

Oh, I love Kevin Boss.

Every time we kept saying we loved him, and then we like looked at each other.

It's like, I think we've officially said we love Kevin Boss more than we ever said we love him.

It's like, Kevin Boss is a 22-year-old stranger.

By the way, might play for another team in two years.

And he will.

That's always the thing that I'm amazed about: is like these people throw their lives into athletes and these guys go, I gotta serious work here.

It's like if I was like, dude, Doug at Applebee's?

He started wearing a Doug shirt with a

Doug's my guy.

And you go, Doug got let go because he was a no-call no-show.

And you go,

fuck.

That was like, my whole guy.

Doug's a manager of another Applebee's.

How the fuck could he do that to me?

It's a huge pay raise.

Are you in the airport?

Is he at least controlling the schedule?

They go, no, you're a fucking son of a man.

Man, while he's off my fantasy Applebee's team,

Jack Chicken Strip's getting moved up.

Yeah.

Dude, I'm so glad you came by to do this.

Soder, thanks for having me, man.

It was good to catch up.

Check out everything John Gabris does.

He is fucking hilarious.

Oh, thank you, man.

Listen to his podcast.

Listen to anything this guy does.

We are Guy Code alum.

Did you do Guy Court?

I did an episode or two of Guy Code.

How many cases did you do?

I can't remember.

I think I did two or three cases.

I was four.

And I was two and two.

I think I was one and two.

I lost to

Little Duval and Charlemagne.

Yeah, that's par for the course.

Yeah.

especially.

It's hard to make a case against either of those guys without anything.

I'm not sure if you're a white guy with a military haircut.

Donnell Rawlings is hosting.

Oh, son.

Darn it.

Donnell still calls me by the wrong last name.

Yeah,

I did so many episodes of Wild and Out where I was just called Peter Griffin.

It's so funny.

Just young black kids, their only reference for fat white guys is Peter Griffin.

Peter Griffin.

But, dude, I remember

Guy Code and then Guy Court.

Do you remember this specific memory calling out another cast member of ours when we went and shot paintball with the guy code guys?

And Pete Davidson was popping off in between takes, in between games, shooting us in the back and shit.

Remember when I snapped?

Yeah, you snapped and you were off.

I walked him down.

He was a child.

Yeah.

And he was shooting grown-ups in the back in between takes.

And we're like, and I, and we were there a long way.

Everyone was pissed.

I did, I want to call out, I did win.

Yeah.

Gabriel Swann.

I went full FPS on everyone.

Dude, but I remember Pete would be like,

and you'd be like, what the fuck?

And he'd be like,

I was just kind of fucking bull.

And then there was one time where, like, he did it.

And then I was walking at him shooting my gun.

I was like, why the fuck are you doing that?

And Stucky's like, sir, stop.

And I was like, this is fucking bullshit.

And then they'd be like, dude, it's pray for it.

And I was like, I know, I fucking fly off the animal.

And Pete was like, sorry, I'm a ball, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I don't know what I was about.

I blah blah blah.

I am going like, this annoying little fucking kid.

And he's like, I'm sorry.

I have to go fuck Kim Kardashian.

Sorry, dude.

I got gotta go run through every hot girl of our time.

Hey, every, who was the last 10 girls you jerked off to?

I fucked them all.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna take them down.

Thanos Glove,

and finally, Jessica Olba.