75: Joker’s Henchman with Luis J. Gomez and Zac Amico | Soder Podcast | EP 73

Richmond, Virginia.

Woo!

April 4th and 5th, going to be at the funny bone, bringing Brendan Sagalot.

It's going to be a fun four shows.

Friday, Saturday, get tickets now.

Dansoder.com.

Spokane, Washington.

And yeah, I say Spokane because for some reason, people everywhere else call it Spokane.

They don't know how to say your city's name.

Well, I know how to say it correctly.

Spokane, Washington.

I will be there for five shows at the beginning of May.

May 1st through the 3rd, five shows, Spokane Comedy Club in Spokane, Washington.

Buy tickets now.

Dansoder.com.

See you there.

Albany, New York, May 15th, I will be at the egg.

Hopefully that's a theater, not just a giant egg.

I've actually heard it is a lovely, lovely theater.

May 15th, Albany, New York, the egg.

It's going to be a fucking awesome show.

Buy tickets now.

Dansoder.com.

May 16th, the Flynn Theater in Burlington, Vermont.

You crunchy assholes, crawl out of those mountains, eat a granola bar, and come on over to the Flynn Theater in Burlington, Vermont.

It is honestly, I love Burlington.

I've been there a bunch.

The crowds are always awesome.

So come on out to Burlington, Vermont, May 16th at the Flynn Theater, danceodor.com for tickets.

As someone who does voices, you never do a voice to someone's face because they never take it right.

They're always like, I don't sound like that.

It was Joe Mackey that I did it to.

Where I was like, what's up, folks?

And he goes, I don't talk like that.

He got like very serious.

And then you're like, oh, yeah, you don't do.

But I feel like if you're an actor and you're playing someone in a movie, you're doing their voice to them.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

And you're like, hey, are you mad about this?

I'd be fucking like Mark Kerr is a guy that, well, I don't think he could kick the rock's ass.

You think he could kick the rock's ass?

Now?

Yeah, maybe.

You still think?

You know, I believe in those old school guys.

Like the shoot.

Yeah, I'm a Don Fry, Dan Severn kind of guy.

I love Don Fry.

Are you going to Vegas for Mania?

No.

There's one indie match that I'm obsessed with.

Suzuki.

Yeah.

Butterbean.

Great.

Referee Dan Severn.

Okay.

I might go to Vegas just for that indie match.

I think I'm going.

I think I'm going.

Do you pull him into any indie stuff?

Do you take him to indie stuff ever?

It's always on weekends.

Lewis, you would have the energy of a guy that would love.

Are you looking at Mark Kerr or are you just looking at your texts?

I'm looking at Mark Kerr as The Rock or The Rock as Mark Kerr.

What did you think?

Did you see a picture of him?

It was good.

Yeah, it looks good.

What was your note?

You have a note.

You immediately have a note.

Well, well,

no, there's no note.

It's just

The Rock's black.

Mark Kerr's white.

Mark Kerr is any part black?

Is Mark Kerr black?

Mark Kerr has gotta be.

No, then his name would be Nick.

Nick Kerr, and then you go, hey, I don't think we can name him that.

His black dad's like, I ain't naming my baby that.

That's so funny.

You gotta stay away.

That's a great joke.

That's so funny.

They go, the Kerr family looks down upon it.

Now I want to know if Mark Kerr is part black.

Would that ruin the movie for you if he's not?

What kind of dance do you do, Mr.

Abu?

I'll tell you what, we're not going to name him.

It's Jim.

He's Irish and his father's Puerto Rican or his mother's Puerto Rican.

Okay.

Ah, lateral.

Puerto Rican Irish.

I like Puerto Rican and Hawatza.

Yeah.

That kind of looks like The Rock.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It's all coming together.

But it is funny when you play a guy in a movie, I would just feel like he would come up to you and be like, I don't fucking talk like that.

And then I would melt down.

I wouldn't be like, that was my decision as an actor.

I'd be like, are you mad at me?

We could fucking scrap the whole movie.

But The Rock seems like a guy who's like, I'm going to play you how I see it.

Just doing the eyebrow a lot.

You're like, Mark Kerr never did that.

Like Mark Kerr says, know your damn role.

If you're getting the octagon, I'm going to smack the...

And you're like, did you never even talk like that?

Now we're going to get a smaller side.

He's going to smell our

Superman.

Finally.

Dude, I thought that was the funniest thing when The Rock was like, you know, it came out that when he was playing Black Adam, he was like, I should fight Superman.

And they were like, well, that's not Superman's enemy.

And The Rock was like, make it.

And they're like, he is Shazam.

And The Rock literally was like, Shazam's too gay.

I want to fight Superman.

And DC bent the knee.

And they had a scene where they did a cameo with uh henry cavill shows up as superman funny i never even saw black adam nobody did horrible i saw it on a plane they tanked that universe yeah they it was so bad it was so bad they hired james gunn to redo the whole universe they gave james gunn like a saudi prince amount of money dce you or whatever well i don't know but then there's like the dceu and now there's like there's dcu and then there's dceu I don't need to know that.

But James is playing.

James watches.

Dude, he just watches YouTube videos explaining the breakdowns between the different universes.

It's crazy that me and your son have the same YouTube habits.

My favorite thing to watch on YouTube is reasons movies weren't made.

Like Nicholas Cage's Superman, Darren Arnofsky doing Batman Year Zero.

And it's always some fucking studio guy that goes like, I don't think that would work.

And then you don't get the movie that everyone wants.

But like The Rock has got so much power that he was like, I'm going to fight Superman.

And the studio's like, ah, I don't think we can do that.

And then James James's going to have to call him in and be like, we're going in a different direction with what?

Fucking everything.

Yeah, you fucked everything.

He's about to turn DC into like an awesome franchise.

I mean, the new Superman looks awesome.

Yeah, that's.

Like the first preview of it, you're like, this is a good thing.

I got an inside report on that one.

Yeah?

Gonna be good?

I heard it's almost all practical.

Really?

I heard it's 70-style practical.

I love it.

Because the Penguin, which is DC, was fucking great.

And I like that.

When they make it realistic, because Marvel was fun, but marvel's for kids is james into marvel yeah he's like still into marvel loves it i feel like that's when you see yourself i think his favorite is batman and then spider-man is his close second favorite you think he likes batman because your parents were killed no and he goes like my dad's like bruce wayne if you gotta podcast he will tell you that he will tell you that he thinks that i could beat up a lot of superheroes it's the cutest thing ever when does that fade when does that fade but dad if if

batman didn't have time to prepare for you i think it'd be a real problem for him oh dad is that that has to make you feel

knowing you for as long as I do.

That has to be the way to your heart.

Yeah.

It's just going to be a lot.

And also, he's smarter than me, so he knows that.

And so he was like, so buy me new toys.

Also, I need new Nikes.

Dad, I really feel like you'd fuck up Spider-Man.

And you go, just go to Foot Locker.

You're just feeling good.

You go,

Spider-Man would fuck you up on the way to go beat up who he intended.

Yeah.

No, I would

most of the goons that are a part of the Joker's crew could beat my ass.

Use the average fucking Joker goon in clown makeup.

I don't know, I fucked some pussy up.

And you go, ah, you broke my fucking ribs.

But you also do have the personality of the goon that talks shit to Batman when he shows up.

Lewis has it goes, look at this freak dressed like a bat, and then his arms snapped.

It's just immediately like, what the fuck, you broke my arm.

And he's like, I don't like the way you talk.

Lewis really should just have a robber mask with an L on his shit.

Dude, I really do have a fucking Joker goon at me.

You do.

They show up and they go, Look at this pussy.

Opening scene where Batman beats the shit out of everybody.

You know what you do?

You have the guy that tosses the knife to himself.

And he goes, What if we cut him up, boss?

And then immediately Batman.

As part of the podcast, yeah.

Oh, this rule of sale.

Yeah, absolutely.

100%.

All agree to battle Bank Robbery.

Lou is like, so who's this Joker pussy anyway?

Guys.

Guys want to take my money.

I'm not listening to a clown.

And then you're like, this guy's dead.

This guy's dead.

Look at this freak in the back.

You act so funny.

Look Look at this pussy wearing a Batman suit.

Then immediately your arms expand.

What the fuck?

Or you get stuck with like one of the battle albums.

Oh, fuck.

But by the way, we never know that at home, the goon's kid is going, hey, dad, you can beat a Batman.

Beat a Batman, can't you?

There's a great book just called Joker.

It's a one-off.

Oh, yeah.

I've read it.

Oh, yeah.

And it's just the life of a Joker goon.

Yeah, it's so good.

Just the guy being, the only time you see Joker is when he's like at work or whatever.

Joker is fucking great.

And the way it's drawn, it's like that super realistic drawing.

But Jesus Christ, I never thought Lewis had Batman thug energy.

Yeah, just minor player, like just fucking clown number four.

And then you're trying to get pussy later and you go, you know, I had Batman.

Yeah, you know, you know, I fought Batman once.

See how my arm bends a little different?

Yeah.

We were robbing.

You're not a pinky?

That's a broken pinky.

It's forever broken.

We were robbing Gotham Central.

Fucking pussy came out of nowhere.

He doesn't even fight you one-on-one.

You would have criticisms about Batman.

That would actually be legit where you go he used to smoke and mirrors and shit yeah i mean he you only get to return to some in a wheelchair yeah

he's got some old gay english guy that like fixes his suit for him so funny look at this pussy

just immediately take it out i always

show your cool toys some old

you know why because i think like uh you know diehard the guy that kisses ass to hans gruber you know the guy that's like hansi baby let's make a deal.

I've got a little of that in me.

Where like, if I were in a diehard movie and they had us all captive, I'd be like, I could probably make a deal with this terrorist.

Like, show up and be like, what are we doing, huh?

You like Rodney Dangerfield?

What if Rodney Dangerfield called in the threat to the police officer?

He's like, hey, I'm going to blow up this whole tower.

And they're like,

I'd be useless for a criminal organization.

Yeah.

Because I want to be liked too much.

No, they wouldn't need the voice changer.

You could call the kids and say, I have your kid.

That's mine?

go for my sandwich guys that's my sandwich sorry if you ever want to see your fucking kid again

just breaking that breaking that kidnapper voice oh fuck her stepped on something

um dude I read a news article this morning that I was like this is 100% Lewis if he got into karaoke this guy in Florida was just at a karaoke bar drunk and they're arguing with him he just pulled the fucking gun and just started shooting he was just like I want to finish my song and just started blasting and I was like I'm not I don't have the type of confidence when I sing karaoke but if you did when I sing karaoke, I'm like, in my own head, I have one hand in my pocket.

Nobody's gonna like this.

Oh, you just look at your feet and shuffle.

Dude, my problem is, I'm

so I so good karaoke songs, you need range for.

You need to be able to sing.

Like, I need to fucking like the karaoke songs that I choose.

Like, people are like, can we get a drink now?

It's like, it's terrifying.

It's like friends in low places.

Great, but not a good karaoke song.

It's a great drinking song.

So people are like, let's go get a drink while this guy fucking

monotone ass song.

Because people get into it with the, I got friends.

So by the time they get to that part where everyone's singing, he's saying, I got friends in low places maybe 30 times in a row.

And then everyone comes in.

Everyone's like, dude, fucking, why such a long song?

Please get off the stage.

Song sucks.

I feel like

you have the energy to be good at karaoke.

It's sweet transvestite.

That's my

sweet transvestite.

And if I go second, it's tenacious D,

Fucker Gently.

Nice.

Yeah.

Whenever I'm on the road in the South, whoever my feature is, like, what do you want to do?

It's like karaoke.

I will do sweet transvestite and really split the room.

Yeah.

Well, also, though, you have like the way you dress, the way you look.

People's eyes are drawn to Zach.

You would just look like you were fixing the lights and that you wanted to take a run at it.

You go, you know what?

I'm sick of fucking putting up these lights.

Time for a little Garth Brooks action.

Yeah, Zach is ready to perform.

Yeah, yeah.

A little Garth Brooks, I would do.

I do Johnny Cash, like, Ring of Fire.

I can only go deep.

Yeah, but I mean, that's not a...

I mean, dude, so, no, the one for you is fucking once.

Oh, yeah.

But that's a great karaoke song.

That brings people back to the 90s.

Yeah, they all know it.

Not if, I'm telling you, you get enough young people in a bar and they're like, what the fuck is this guy saying?

Well, we're just not good.

We're not fun, young, hot girl karaoke age.

No, we're not.

If all the songs we like are like fucking, they're not even like cool older songs.

Whoa.

We were like, just, we're from a generation of people that are like just like sad.

Yeah, we're like from an angsty teen generation.

We're like, dude, let's do some pearl jams.

Like no young people want to hear pearl jam.

They go play fucking Sabrina Carpenter.

I don't want to hear these sad old men sing now.

I saw Richard Grico do Pearl Jam.

Where?

Karaoke was.

It was awesome.

Where at?

At one of the horror conventions.

So the best part about horror conventions is the after party because you get to find out which celebrities are alcoholics.

Yeah.

So funny go, I saw the guy that played Jason in Jason 6 Blackout Drunk.

No, that's what it is.

No one knows me without the mask.

So you go down.

They should have invited me back for Jason 7.

I was just looking, I picked him up with my hand.

Fucking kid hotter was fucking sucking somebody's dick.

You know, Freddie Cougar was originally gay in the movie.

But yeah, you go down like one in the morning, go to the bar, and that's when you see you'd be like, just the mom from Pet Cemetery blacked out.

This sounds incredible.

One year I went, and they were doing karaoke, and I don't know if it was planned or it just happened, but the crip keeper was hosting karaoke.

How does that the guy that does the broken?

The voice.

Oh, okay.

He's like, hey, he has to tell everyone he's the cripkeeper.

He's like, hey, it's me, the cripkeeper.

And they go, oh, but he was like doing it in between.

John, I told you this wasn't going to work without the puppet.

His name is John.

John, we can't bring the puppy.

And he did Bohemian Rhapsody as the crypt keeper.

That kind of rule.

That was fun.

That rule, you'd have to shut your eyes because it would fuck me up looking at some old guy being like,

Tales from the Crypt is like,

It's funny because I watched it as a kid, so I took it as like actual horror.

Yeah.

But it was kind of funny and like kind of campy.

Well, they would do stuff that would scare us as kids.

We were just like kids, but like when you like, when you look back at it now, it's like it was all just kind of silly.

It wasn't like a serious show.

But we were like, this is fucking terrifying.

Remember the one where the guy

was buying the young guy's body parts?

Yeah.

He's a guy who had that weird old

voice.

And he would purchase them each.

It was like different people's body parts, though, right?

No, no, no.

I think of a different part.

There was one dude that was, he had a young girlfriend, he was a rich guy, like a billionaire.

And then he had a young girl.

And

he's like an actor, like a character actor, where he's like.

He was the, okay, he was the uncle from christmas vacation oh um we hear like

a weird voice who the randy quaid no his wife uh the older uncle how he's like i know what's going on christmas vacation his wife packed the cat yes yeah that the one where

you're talking about specifically christmas vacation

yeah it blows up everything yeah yes yeah that guy well that guy's got a strange voice so he plays a billionaire and then there's like a like uh oh

completely different episode that i young hot girlfriend.

Do you remember this episode?

I'm not, I can't.

Young hot girlfriend and then there's like a muscly dude and she's like, she's like, I can never like be with you.

Cause

he's like old.

She's like, I can never be with you.

You're just like too old.

So he goes and like trades faces with this young like jacked dude and then

fucking uh then she's like she comes back and she's like at the beach with him and she sees his body.

She's like, oh, but your body's so decrepit.

And he's like, all right, I'll be right back.

One second.

It's just this young dude's face with his voice.

That is funny.

Then he comes back and he's got like the young dude's like upper torso and then they're like hanging out.

They're getting changed or whatever.

And she's like, oh, look at your fucking legs.

Jesus.

And then he goes and spends like another like couple million dollars to get this guy's legs.

And then the end of the episode, she comes back and she's with the young guy who now has all of his body parts because he's got money and this guy's poor.

That's fucking hilarious.

You know what's funny is that the country of Turkey just does all that now.

Where they go like,

you want to buy a new body part?

Come to Turkey.

Is there anything funnier than the people that do the candids at the Turkey airport?

It's just white guys with bleeding D-Regs.

Or they'll do the whole plane and they'll just show like all the pod with the blood soaking into it.

They all have bleeding skulls.

One guy was so insecure flying back to Miami that he took off the gauze, which they tell you when you get your hair transplanted, they're like.

Don't fucking take that off because it sets.

It's like setting your hair.

And they're like, don't take that off.

And this dude was on a flight to Miami.

He was so insecure.

He took it off and he was just bleeding.

Like when ultimate warrior got hit by papa shango and they were like we can't we can't have you on this plane and he was like

and he just landed it they did an emergency landing because the guy's head was bleeding I would do it if I could get like a white guy's hair

you know what my hair was like you understand like I had like you had hamburger meat I had fucking uh it was like my Rocky Maia Via hair so I when Rocky Maia Via came out my sister would call me Rocky Maivia

get you into fights and I would call her Max Moon that's fine max moon tells with her dreads You should do a flip over the top.

Should have got her a shit.

She had rockets on her arms.

She gave her a shitty jetpack where she jumps up on the apron.

Max Moon is such a funny name to call your sister.

Say fucking just what's going on.

Must be the shittiest character ever.

Did he have another identity at one point?

It must have been a wrestler.

I said this on the regs and I was wrong.

I thought it was also Tatanka.

He wasn't also Tatanka.

Max Moon, you thought was Tatanka.

Yeah, he wasn't.

He was another guy, though.

But he was another guy.

But his Max Moon was such a 90s.

We'll put up a picture of what Max Moon looks like on the bottom.

He looks hilarious.

There was that era, it was during the, there was like a three or four year period where WWF became just for children.

I mean,

everyone had a job.

Yeah, yeah, Duke the Dumpster Drossi, the race car driver, Repo Man.

Which is so funny.

My mom hated the Repo Man.

That was her least favorite wrestler.

My dad,

I learned that, like, my dad was like, wait, there's a guy called the Repo Man?

And then no.

Turn it off.

No shit.

Six months later, his car got repoed.

Wow.

And I kept thinking it was the Repo Man.

I was like, well, don't worry.

Oh, no, mom, Erwin R.

Scheiser put a lien on your bank account.

My mom's like, oh, Million Dollar Inc is after us.

They won't let us go.

My mom had to file bankruptcy because Repo Man port a Million Dollar Inc.

now.

No, he should have been, though.

That would be who he was.

He was

in demolition.

Of course.

But when my dad's car got repoed, I was like, damn, hopefully Tito Santana can do something about this.

Mom, Razor Ramon says you owe him a lot of money.

That's so funny.

Dude, it was such a bad guy.

Dude, it was such a funny moment in Jamaica.

Like, I was such a fucking oblivious idiot.

Some Jamaican guy comes up to us.

We're all like at the villa, and it's not a private beach.

It's like semi-private.

It's like, you know, like a quarter mile down the beach.

There's like a little like ice cream stand and, you know, shop.

You can buy like fucking, get your hair braided and shit.

And so the, you know, the Jamaicans will come, when they know there's people in the villas, they come up on the beach and they try to like.

Sell their wares.

Yeah, yeah.

And this one guy, he's like, hey, Mon, what's going on?

What's your name?

I was like, oh, Lewis.

He's like, my name's Columbia.

What's going on?

I was like, oh, hey, Columbia, what's going on?

And then what's the other reference he made?

He made one other reference.

Fuck, it was a cocaine reference.

And I didn't get it at all.

Everyone's like, no, we're good.

I was like, no, he's a nice guy.

What are you even doing?

We're just meeting him.

And they're like, he's trying to sell you cocaine, Lewis.

Columbia, fucking...

His first name's Yak.

And he goes, everyone, everybody around here calls me Deviated September.

What's the movie?

about cocaine whoa no no no the other one

no no no give me another wall street Give me another story.

I'm doing all these movies about bankers.

You know, the El Pacino.

Oh, Scarface.

Scarface, yeah.

Really?

He was referencing Scarface?

No, I don't remember.

I always think it's so fun.

I just saw a Puerto Rican dude with a jacket that was like, The World Is Mine all over it, and it said Scarface on the back.

And I was like, you know, he dies in that pool.

It's not a movie.

It's a real drug dealer I'm thinking of.

What's Pablo Escobar?

Pablo Escobar.

Yes.

Yes.

He called you.

No, he goes, what's your name?

Pablo?

I'm looking for Pablo.

And I was like, there is no Pablo here, sir.

I would have hit him with the jerky boys.

Paco.

Paco, ho, Paco.

I think he's talking about you.

Oh, we got a bite.

Paco.

It also is funny that you're like, Pablo?

And he's like, my friend Pablo?

And you go, like, from the jerky boys?

He's like, excuse me?

You're doing an obscure prank phone call reference.

He said his name was Columbia and he was looking for Pablo.

He was like, there's a Pablo here, right?

I'm Columbia.

I'm looking to stay up all night and start a small business with ya.

Yeah, do you want to hear a story?

That goes on forever and ever.

I be grinding my teeth.

And you're like, why are you telling me all this?

Do you want cold sweats?

Yeah, I'd be bad at that.

I was always bad at drug deals.

Also, I feel like you can't do cocaine on the beach.

You're going to get sand up your nose.

Yeah.

No one wants blow mixed with sand.

It's terrible.

You go, ah, it's up there.

You go, oh, fuck, I got sand up.

When I was at the, this was like the closer of my first special, but it's a true story when i was at the cabo comedy festival yeah i remember that it was like they did that like a year yeah yeah it was it was way to get in when you can it was me it was like derek gains um it was uh it was like nobody at this

we were the draws at the festival and there was nobody at the shows they put us in like cantina like shitty bars and they were like you go down to mexico to do bar shows when you do a bar show in the states where it's like the game is still on like it was like that but it's mexico so there's like a drunk sleepy mexican at the bar there's soccer on TV

gall in the back it's like everybody wasn't bad on that and he's like

lose again

that sucks it was terrible and I had no money telling me to stop hitting his thigh with a microphone why

every time you go it hurt my ear start slamming your microphone

yeah dude it was so hated you're naming breakfast food

there's no more to name

senor you're all out of breakfast foods.

You didn't even say anything about an enchilada.

There's no chiliquiles.

Oh, that's too bad.

Chiliquiles.

He goes, I now I started it back up again.

Oh, no.

I thought the riff was over.

It's just beginning.

Dude, I had no money at all, like, for alcohol or anything.

I was getting paid at the end of the weekend, but I went to like Mexico.

I went to Cabo.

Yeah.

And

so there was, this is when I was like in my doing blow days this was my fucking what a fun ready to party day i think you know this this part of my life is doing blow days but i had no money but they were giving out free sandwiches i wonder why

nobody think there was a relation doggy when i was doing blow i had no money for blow i would always spend my last 80 to a hundred dollars on blow i spent my entire net worth on blow

weekly you are the guy that every drug dealer wants yeah but just too poor yeah where he goes if they got me now I'd be fucking...

Windfall.

Yeah.

They'd just be fucking stacking things.

I'm glad I don't do drugs now, but dude, back then, I had no money.

So they were giving out free samples of cocaine on the beach.

There was all the different drug dealers.

It was fentanyl.

That has to be fentanyl.

No, it was crazy.

The fact that, and what I did was

each drug dealer, they would like mix it with some sort of like food coloring or something.

So they'd be like, oh, that guy has pink blow.

That's the good stuff.

That guy has green blow.

That guy has red blow.

And they would give me samples.

They would take a piece of paper and they would like scoop it up.

up they're like oh take a hit go ahead

i was like oh that's pretty good but you know not now then i'd go up the beach like 30 yards oh you were at the costco doggy you were eating lunch at costco you're like i'm not these are good i gotta go see oh those wontons

that was actually that was in the joint not costco but i was like it's like going at the mall and getting free samples of um bourbon chicken yeah i was like yeah nobody buys bourbon chicken

10 minutes later

all these guys that have bourbon chicken they just want pussy yeah they're just there to get the pussy but i would get free samples of cocaine the entire time.

And then I got called on it eventually.

Like three of them got together.

We're like, you keep on coming, getting samples.

Why are you

so high?

But you have no money.

It's like, you guys fucking rule.

First off, I feel like we're the best of friends.

And pink guy, I love pink.

Me and Perp get along perfectly.

Yeah, I wonder if there's a person in Mexico telling stories about like when the cartels had it good.

They're like, we used to just handle out free samples.

Until this one, they changed the policy because of me.

Until this one guy.

So much cocaine.

No money.

You just fucking.

I mean, you just get yaked out and then

the thing about Coke is it

makes you want to do more Coke.

Yeah.

So what would happen when you get yaked out?

You just go try to find another free.

Try to find another free sample.

Would they give you a free sample if you're standing over them like, fuck?

Bigger.

They're like, we can only give you a little bit.

I mean, so what does this coke hayen do?

It doesn't seem good.

I love love you.

It didn't seem like a very sustainable business model.

No.

Yeah, terrible.

That's why they have to behead people now.

That's why they have to spread fear because they tried the free sample.

That should have been the ending of my life right there is me being beheaded by a Mexican cartel.

You go, you know, Lewis never made it back, but apparently you caught him in their Costco phase.

They go, bulk.

They'll buy him bulk.

You give out a little, they come back, they buy us

Kirkland cocaine.

And you you go, it feels like regular cocaine, just a little cheaper.

Yeah.

When was the moment that you were like, I'm done doing blow?

Did you have a moment?

Once I started taking Adderall.

It's so funny.

I traded it in for government.

Well, I saw no, no, honestly, it was when me and Karen Feehan were dating.

She would blackmail me and threaten to tell Beatrice that I was doing a bunch of drugs.

So Beatrice would...

take my child to another state.

This is a very toxic relationship.

It's not Karen Feehan.

You have had, you have been in many elite forms of toxicity.

I mean, every Kim Congdon story.

He's like, Kim and I are at the airport.

I don't know how she gets a blade in there.

But it's out at the turning point.

When me and Kim got into a fight at the airport with a black chick that was behind her, like, Kim had her bag like a couple rows back.

Hey, you told me the story recently.

Yeah.

And she was like, hey, can I get it?

And this black chick's like, no.

And Kim's like, bitch, give me my fucking bag.

And then they just went at it.

And then I was was like oh well here we go so i'm gonna let my girl get beat up by a black chick that's insane so the girl comes out and i'm like i start talking to the girl and the girl's talking was this on the plane still this is like on the um

walkway yeah the walkway So I'm like, so I'm trying to hold Kim back.

I'm like, bitch, shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch.

She starts taking her cell phone out to like videotape me.

I grab her phone from her and I go, I just threw it down the airport.

Dude, it like literally, I just threw it.

I've never thrown so beautifully in my life.

You just heard it go in the distance.

And then, uh, so then, you know, the airport people, the um, do the people jump off the wheelchairs with the old people to break it up?

No, the employees of the airline are like, you got to wait, we got to get security.

And me and Kim were just like, this isn't going to go end well with us.

I was like, at this point, I'd spit in the girl's face.

I threw a cell phone across the airport.

So

I

sounds like a real bitch.

Delta's like, just, he's, he's diamond.

Just let him do it.

There you go.

He's a million mile mark guy.

Just fucking let him.

If he says the N-word, we'll break it up.

So me and Kim,

we left and we were like, we got to split up because they're looking for two of us.

You guys are in a Scooby-Doo history.

You're like, just like Zoinks, Kim.

Turns out that platter girls really know some guys.

She was like, Roro Ruis.

Talking through the phone.

You're like, Zoinks, Kim.

I didn't know you were going to start here with that much.

It's fucking wild.

Yeah, dude, we literally, we split up.

We took our jackets off and like Kim put a hoodie on because they were looking for both of us.

And we watched security.

It actually was like security dude.

We watched security like running this way or running that way.

And we went out.

We took separate Ubers home.

That's so funny.

That's your someone's Jason Bourne.

Yeah.

Where they go.

We got him.

He's outside in a different hoodie.

Yeah.

Did you wear Kim's hoodie?

It's like a pink juicy one.

She's in a fucking real-ass podcast.

Dude, that's,

yeah, I hear stories about this all the time in your life.

I used to be in very toxic relationships.

I don't do that anymore, though.

It was always blackmail, like what you said, like Karen.

That was a black woman.

Yeah.

You would film, but Karen would film you doing Coke and being like, I'll lose you custody.

Yeah.

I'm sure she was threatening me to tell Beatrice, specifically with the implication that Beatrice would take my child away to another state.

Can I tell you something?

And then I took the power away from her.

That Zach and I both experience as both men in good relationships

is yours gives us more power.

So like we hear about your stories and we go, I got it great.

You're going to leave today.

Katie, I'm going to be like, hey, I love you.

She's going to be reading.

She'd be like, what?

And I go, thanks for not starting shit with a black lady on an airplane.

Hey, honey, another housewife.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

You know what?

Load it up.

I'll watch it with you.

She goes, what's gotten into you?

I go,

us not fighting at an airport.

Yeah.

These Vanderpumps are real.

That's the popcorn.

I love you, you crazy bitch.

I took the power away from Karen and I just told

eventually I was like, I'm not going to be blackmailed by a fucking.

Were you on cocaine when you did the idea?

Oh, yeah, watch this.

Hey, Beatrice, I'm pretty fucked up on cocaine right now.

And she goes, why are you telling me this?

Yeah, no, so I told Beatrice and I was like, yeah, I'm fucking doing drugs.

And I was like, I got to stop.

And then I got into therapy.

And then I started taking Adderall, which was good for my ADHD.

It wasn't like a supplement for Kockey.

It wasn't good for your podcasting partners.

It wasn't good for Kurt Mensker.

He got a drink thrown in his face.

I'll tell you that much.

Shout out, by the way, still the best shirt that I wear at every Skank Fest.

Banished 21 made me that picture of you throwing it, but he made it look like a Roman painting, like a classic picture.

That was mine and Kurt's co-headlining tour poster.

Was it?

It was like, yeah, what's his name?

Fucking Comedy Artwork?

Yeah.

He's from D.C.

That guy's awesome.

He just

fucking brought it to life and

a drawing, and we use that as the tour poster.

This should end well tourist.

As wrestling fans, what was great about it was even the girls got into it.

So it was Curtin Lewis with a side thing of Annie Letterman versus Kim Conga.

That was great.

Well, Kim's, here's what I'll say about Kim to this day, and I love Kim.

Kim, we're very close friends to this day.

I love our boyfriend.

Thank God he's around.

Yeah.

He's the man.

I've never met him, but Kim rules.

He's the man.

Kim Rules, but Kim is genuinely fucking ride or die.

Like, legit.

Like, I'm talking about fucking.

That's that Puerto Rico.

Yo, so as soon as you guys get together, and there's like

Bobby, no one's gonna be able to do that.

She was the reason that even got out of control to begin with, to be honest with you, because Kurt, me and Kurt had gotten into an argument, like, months before.

Also, you guys have been getting into arguments since Big J has introduced you to Kurt.

It's not even like arguments.

Kurt was very disrespectful to like me and Dave.

He's very dismissive.

Yeah.

Like this fucking generation of like older comics and the last of the songs.

They got it from like Patrice and Bobby.

and then they were like, Oh, we have guys to be shitty to now, and we're just all nice.

Like, I call my openers special guests.

I'm like, My special guest, he's the fuck.

Mike comes over with, I mean, a lot of them are retarded,

but like Mike will come out.

That's also what you tell James when they sleep over.

Yeah, he goes, Your special guest, special guest, special guest, new mom.

Oh my god, James goes, You know, my dad can beat up Batman,

honey, whatever you're feeding this kid, keep it drunk.

Well, let's see if he can beat up me.

Yeah, yeah.

She's a chick with bruises and a cigarette.

She goes, Oh

well, you know, he's a tough guy.

I also would date that female from the Batman movie.

Where she goes, hey, baby, this guy says you gotta stop robbing the bank.

Who's this?

This pussy dressed like a bat?

Immediately, you don't even guess his bat, but when they bring it in your hand, look over my hand, look over my fucking hand.

Can I do 15 tonight, Mr.

Chicomez?

Miss Chicomez!

I got a podcast idea.

And he goes, that's a brilliant idea.

I need to shut down your podcast network.

You're polluting the streets of Gotham with too many Adarines.

I just reported your podcast to YouTube.

But you know what's funny is, like, you're absolutely right.

That old generation of comics would be like, you suck, you stink.

But then I noticed a lot of them don't like

the threat of physical violence.

Oh, yeah.

Where you go, I'll fucking slap you.

And then they go, oh, oh, oh, oh.

they're like, you can't do that.

That's the great equalizer in the world.

It's like at one point, there's a line where you stop being a comic.

Yeah.

You start being real.

You start being an emotion.

Well, it's like, no, you see it all the time.

It'll be like just like some dude that works at the airport.

Like, you see a video, a viral video, and it's like some dudes just punching some customer in the face.

You're like, oh, no, no, they got to the line where he stopped being an airport employee.

That's called.

He had to be real.

He started acting like a real airport employee.

He started acting like a CVS employee.

Yeah, Real Air Dude.

Real Air Dude's great.

We might have to call the episode Real Real Air.

Real Air Dude.

But it really is like when someone breaches that line and you go, ah, well, now you're going to get beat up.

Yeah, well,

and I'm not like.

We should use our words.

We should always use our words.

Sure.

But there is a, everyone's got a line.

Everyone's got the point where they go, oh, I'm not a comedian anymore.

I'm going to bite your fucking nose off.

And the Japanese surrendered.

We didn't need to drop the nuke.

You drop the nuke.

It's a little different world.

Yeah, I always love that airport video, the one guy that looks like Big J.

You guys, that's like a famous one.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where he gets like tuned up by the dude at the airport.

What has to suck is if you're going on vacation and then you get the shit beat out of you, because you're like bitchy.

Because you're like, um, where's my bag?

And the guy's like, not today, buddy.

And then you just keep pushing into the next is you just getting fucking worked online.

Were you ever afraid of that?

Getting beat up in an internet video?

You're my only friend where I would have to genuinely worry about that.

Like when you're yelling at a cab driver, any of the Lewis moments were you ever worried?

So I wasn't,

there was a time where like I crossed a threshold of being known where I started going, I gotta stop doing this.

Like I remember, I got, I got into a early, you know what, dude, days when none of us were known.

None of us were known.

So like I would just fuck, I was, I would walk around like I could do anything and there was no repercussions.

You really lived life like Grand Theft Auto when you give up on the missions?

Where you go, I don't care about it.

I fucking, I bang a hooker and then beat her to death

with a baseball bat and take my money back then your money goes back up you walk around with those bonuses that go oh two stars gotta run later guys i'm out that was you and kim at the airport kim we got chicks close we got yourself kim we have three stars we gotta go right out oh you never finished about annie and kim though because kim's yeah so

we me and me and metzger had gotten into like an argument over some dumb shit uh

you know, months before.

It was me and we were doing a big J show and I was on stage and Metzger lit me to like get me off stage because he decided it was his time.

I remember that.

Yeah, yeah.

So, which is like people don't, that aren't in comedy don't understand how disrespectful it is.

I'll tell you what's the real thing.

He like flashed a light.

Like, he stood up in the middle of the room with like all Legion of Skangs fans, and he goes, like this with his cell phone, and go, like, wrap it up.

Yeah, like, wrap it up.

Like, he's got to go.

And then he didn't have to go.

So I got off stage.

I got off the go.

I guess he's got to run to another spot.

So I was like, oh, ladies and gentlemen, Kurt Metzger.

I was hosting the show.

And then I go back up and then I come back off and he's just in there.

He's like, oh, you want to smoke a joint?

And I'm like, why would you light me?

And then it like just, it devolved from there.

Like me and him started fucking someone lighting you early that isn't the club that also isn't headlining because it was Big J show.

It was crazy.

Someone doing that is the real world equivalent of someone coming into your desk and just taking the stuff you're working on off and going like, you're done.

And you're like, it's nuts.

You're not even my manager.

It was just nuts.

He just, whatever it was, like we just had a very discount.

And he was just always very dismissive and very kind of cunty.

And I had just been done.

Like at that point,

I just remember like it all flashed.

Like every time he was just kind of like disrespectful.

We're all like, fucking win it.

You replayed everything.

And you're like, not again.

So, you know, I start barking at him and he starts barking back at me.

And then I'm just like, all right, motherfucker, let's go.

And then it diffused.

And this is at the comedy store.

No, this is months before that.

Okay.

This is at like the Irvine Improv or one of those.

Yes, it was.

It was what?

This is the prequel.

Yeah, this is when you see this, you go.

go, this is why.

Oh, that all makes sense.

And we didn't speak after that.

Months go by.

Well, I remember Big Jay telling me about the Irvine Improv because Jay got off stage and the staff was like, we had to break up Lewis and Kurt.

They were fighting.

And Jay was like, he had like post-show.

I love Kurt, but they didn't have to break us up.

Yeah.

Kurt wasn't ready for the seat.

Woo!

That night or at the comedy store.

Kurt ain't Batman.

Kurt ain't Batman.

I can tell you this.

Kurt wasn't trained by the League of Shadows.

But I am a Joker goon.

uh so then we i i'm walking into the comedy store um

or no he's walking we're both at the comedy store a month later or whatever and uh i walk right past him i don't say anything right you bitch so you could tell i was a little passive aggressive you could tell someone was raised by a mom yeah passive aggressive stuff like that where you go like I'm fine.

Yeah.

I walk past him.

I don't say anything.

Now Dave and Big J and Kim are outside.

So then Kurt starts popping crazy shit in front of them.

He's like, he's like, he's not going to say hi to me.

He's going to disrespect disrespect me.

He's like, oh, you know, I'll fucking, and he's, whatever he's saying, it's like very over the top.

Yeah.

So Dave comes to me and Dave's like, dude, just so you know, he was like, Kurt, not only like is he angry, he sounds like he wants to fight you.

So just be, be aware of that.

Dave's just being my boy.

Me and Dave fucking, we've been friends since we were teenagers, right?

Kim, she's like, baby, he wants to fight you.

She starts immediately in this mode.

She's like, do you remember?

Do you remember the fucking black lady at the airport?

It's that time stand.

Only

she started getting me really going.

So

maybe I pulled a razor blade out of her cheek.

I texted him or he texted me.

One of us texted the other one.

And you guys are still at the

comedy.

He left to go do a spot or whatever, but then he's talking crazy shit in text messages.

Like crazy shit.

He said, he was like, I'm going to stab you and leave your son fatherless like your father left you.

That was the thing that got me.

And I was like, okay.

Sounds aggressive.

It's also funny because if you just took that kind of energy, but if Lewis was sexting with like a hot girl, he'd be like, she knew everything to say.

She's going to stab you and leave your fatherless.

Like, oh, I'm going to come.

Oh, what are you doing?

Oh, come by.

So he was talking crazy shit.

Not even just like, I want to fight you.

He's like, I'm going to stab you.

I'm going to leave your son.

I'm going to have my fatherlessness.

Yeah, it's a wild line.

That was the line that really I was like, oh, when I was like, when I.

Why do you knew about the Coke?

You can't tell Beatrice.

I already told her.

It's like, what do you want?

What?

So, yeah, then he.

So he's gone at this point.

He's gone in another, doing a spot.

So then we have to do two Legion of Stanks back-to-back.

And you guys also, at this point, have a whole tour playing together.

No.

Okay.

This is years before this.

Okay.

All right.

Right.

It's all mishmash and stuff.

So then Big Jay and Tony and Tony Hisko is on the podcast.

He's like, why don't we get Kurt Metzger to come back here and do the podcast with us?

And which evil Jesus?

Jay Tony's brilliant.

Even Jesus.

Yeah.

He goes, watch, watch these two big pieces of meat slam into each other.

You go, brilliant, brilliant.

So then I'm like, I mean, at this point, like, it's just kind of like, I'm already uncomfortable and angry.

I'm also pretty like early in my podcast.

Not early in my podcast career, but early enough that I'm not like.

I'm just not composed enough to like try to make it funny.

I'm fucking pissed.

I will tell you right now that I want to say you, after James hit the age of around eight or nine, you mellowed out significantly.

Yeah, because I think

to lose now.

Well, I also think it was James started seeing you as a person, not just like, he wasn't just like a baby.

He's always had memories.

He's four or five years old.

You want to fucking, you know, you're trying to be a role model.

But also, it's like, there's, James is so smart that there's moments where like at the Knicks game, Jay told me that James was like, dad, stop yelling at security.

Now you can hear his voice and he'll be like, all right, fuck it.

I won't freak you.

Well, they tried to separate me from my child.

He goes, It's always, I like that the thing that always triggers you is like, never take me from my boy.

When Kurt's like, I'll leave him fatherless.

And you're like, well, now it's a blood vendetta.

So,

yeah, so Messer came on the podcast, and he was just fucking just being, you call me an idiot or something.

He's got the idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sit down.

Why don't you make a movie?

See what I'll do.

And you can tell, by the way, Kurt is in full, he's got the vape.

We'll put it under here.

We'll show the clip.

He's like got the vape and he's doing the like

DeLewis is retarded.

So I'm going, yeah, he's, once again, just being dismissive, being fucking...

Because Kurt is very, very smart.

And the thing about Kurt is...

Also, Kurt's, to this day, one of my favorite comics.

Yeah, he's hilarious.

I know I'm a good friend with him at this point.

We made up.

This was like

the moment they got caught on video.

Most people don't get caught with their fucking crazy moments with their friends on video.

But I'm also going to tell you, in your defense on why it would make me crazy, Kurt is smart, so he's good at talking down in a way that makes you fucking

what to say to get me going.

Like in text messages, he's writing like crazy shit.

It was actually way worse.

It was like, it was a very long back and forth, and he's like just saying crazy shit.

So I'm worked up to the point where I'm like, oh, I'm just going to fuck you up when I see you.

This isn't like.

I'm now the airport employee that's becoming the CVS employee.

I was like, I'm not trying to be funny at all.

You're breaching, bro.

Like, this isn't even a podcast.

I was like, I was like, when he comes here, I was like, I know it's not going to go well.

I said it was a bad idea.

And he just starts fucking cutting and being fucking shitty.

So then I was like, Kurt, when we get outside, I'm going to fuck you up.

Just so you know, like, it doesn't matter.

We can sit here all day long.

Keep on talking on this shit.

When we get outside, it's not even a debate.

I'm going to fuck you up.

He goes, make a move and we'll see what happens.

And I go, okay.

And I grab a drink and I threw it at him.

And Big J blocked the drink.

And then we fucking,

you know, you know, which the picture is.

I mean, the picture is.

It's a great moment.

and you are ready to go you're standing up ready to go i get up so i literally we end the podcast yeah there it is i run outside kurt doesn't i stands up a little after you throw the drink what's wrong with you at this point he's going what's wrong with you man and i was like okay and then i was like oh what's wrong with me

oh like being a fucking lunatic i love it but then it spills out into

the street

like the old back parking lot

like towards the front okay and i don't know what's going on i don't want to shit on kurt i love kurt but kurt now is surrounded by security, and now he's talking shit behind security guards.

I was like, I was like, move them out of the way.

I was like, you're talking shit.

Do something about it.

So then Kim is just like, she's in my back, and she starts talking shit to Annie Letterman, who's dating Kurt.

Just because she's just like, this is what we're doing.

We're fucking this couple up.

By the way, at this point, it is a couple activity.

It is a couple activity.

You know, we were bonding.

Then Kim, Kim grabbed Annie's glasses off her head and threw them in the street.

She's like, let's fucking go, bitch.

I'm like, I want to kill you, Kurt.

God, I love you, Kim.

Kurt, I hate you.

kim i love you i hate you kurt someone kiss me i'm about to explode thank god you guys didn't fight or kim would have gotten pregnant yeah for real well that night they would have been like i need you i need you you would have had another son would have turned into antonio benderis yeah

he's like oh mommy oh mommy remembering you through the glasses it's dangerous for puerto rican couples to fight that's how babies are made yeah it's uh but then it uh you know he got into a taxi and uh and he he left.

Did you ever have that moment with Kim where you're like, thanks for hey, thanks for that back there?

Of course.

You know, Kim's rider died.

Yeah.

You know, she's fucking, if Kim's on your side, she's on your side.

If she's against you, you're in trouble.

What a good preacher.

You're a person.

You go, she's on your side.

You got the world.

We would get into arguments, dude, and she would fucking throw stuff out the window.

I remember one time I was running from her.

And I was too fat to outrun her.

So I was hiding between cars in Harlem.

And she's like, run, fat

i'm coming wait

i believe the quote was

if anyone sees a bald fat n-word i'm looking for him she's screaming it she's like debo she's like riding her bike down the street looking for lewis you go kim coming kim coming

hiding behind cars while she's screaming run fat

that's so Fuck How do you guys make up after that?

We had a long, contentious fucking relationship.

But but like how do you in a moment like that how do you come back to being like this got a little crazy back there uh we just did we once we broke up and like moved beyond that like talk because it was really toxic and shitty you know what i'm saying and it was it was very a lot of it was my fault i'm not you know it's not i i i drive women she's probably gonna isolate that clip and just have it don't you i drive women nuts yeah every i the most sane woman has like that i every woman up until the past like three or four years every woman i've ever dated has punched me in the face Jesus Christ.

But I goad them into it

because I want the psychological advantage of being like, you hit me.

Oh my God.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

But also,

the lovemaking has to be beautiful.

Yeah.

We're very passionate.

We're very passionate lovers.

When you get to that level of craziness, you got to go, well, there has to be like a sexual outlet for this.

Or they're just like, or you're just mentally abusing me.

Dude, when me and Kim were at a UFC event, event.

This is like, I mean, I was, at this point, I was hosting the podcast of Bisping.

So I, dude, I, this could have been so bad.

You were plugged in.

Dude, I was plugged in and she got fucking hammered.

We got into a fight about whatever.

I don't even remember what the fight was about.

At a UFC event, which there are guys there that are going to comment on your fight.

looking to get into a fight with you and looking to take your girlfriend.

Yeah, 100%.

That's like, but this was outside.

We're like having a crazy argument.

I remember there was all this traffic leaving the

Barclay Center.

Yeah.

Crazy amount of traffic.

And it was just like dead stop traffic.

Oh, you told me this story.

Me and Kim were fucking going at each other.

And then...

Didn't the cops get involved?

Yeah, I'll tell you.

But

Ralph was in a car with like a Russian model that he was dating.

I want to go to the restaurant right now.

And they were sitting there.

And then the Russian model.

I got to see.

Is that Lewis?

No, the girl goes, look at these crazy people.

They're fighting.

And Ralph goes, That's my business partner.

That's the G and gas digital.

And I remember once again, I started running from Kim.

You ran a lot.

I ran a lot.

I ran a lot.

Freddy Krug.

You ran a lot from her.

She's just putting her nails on her.

Put her nails on the other side of the wall.

Yeah, she's like, everywhere you run, I'm looking for a fat, bald N-word.

This is Freddy Crigger as well.

Can't escape your dreams.

Can you get my luggage for me, you black bitch?

He's like,

his nails going down.

Holy shit.

So I ran.

Better

and then you guys having makeup sex with freddy krueger he goes sorry lewis you just drive me crazy

you drive me so crazy so i ran from her and then i found cops and i was like oh god help me who's the beautiful puerto rican woman she's coming to kill me And they're like, that right, buddy.

Chill the fuck out.

Like, we had a 371 in progress.

They go, we got a fiery poriqua coming down.

So I was like, I was like,

she's trying to kill me, please.

Please help me.

I go to these cops.

Just a cop going, hold on, I got to hear this.

Get over here.

Then all the cops started laughing in my face.

Yeah.

And then I was like, no, you got to stop her.

And they were like, yeah, they were like laughing.

And then I was like, oh, I ran away.

And she just chased me away from me.

Then she comes up out of breath.

It's going to see a giant who sees that I'm looking for her.

I'm like, that young love.

It must be spring.

These lovers are out here.

Yeah, dude, but you're right.

I mean, what a bad idea to tell cops you have a domestic abuse problem.

But it's better that it was him and not her.

Oh, no.

That would have been something that wasn't.

She was like, help out.

Then I'd be like, oh, you were going to beat me.

Well, this is why I know she's not truly evil because she literally could have just went up to them and been like, he hit me.

And then I'd be fucking done.

Yeah, then you're done.

So, good job.

Good job being acceptably crazy.

Yeah, no, she, look, you know, it was

both of us being crazy.

But anyway, the last time I did

Adderall was the night of the me and Kurt thing.

And then you were like.

I was like, I can't be on Adderall.

I'm like, cause I'm fucking, because I started off on a regular dose that you need for ADD.

Sure.

And then soon enough, you're like, I can just lie and say it's not working anymore.

So then you're taking 60 milligrams of Adderall every day.

Just fucking losing your mind.

Dude, I took, one time I took like a 40 milligram dose when I was still drinking at a wedding because I'd been drinking all week.

And I was like, I need something to end it shot me to like two days later you wake up with the groom three days later zach what did we do and he goes everything and i go i knew it i knew we were headed there yeah dude at our all for me is like i'm annoying regularly so on an upper that was bad i feel like you don't do uppers do you do oh you do coke what am i talking about once in a while it happens you used to when you partied yeah i've calmed down a lot yeah i mean zach and his your fucking bachelor party Yeah.

I talked to you guys and you were like, oh, boy.

You told me how I went down and I was like, I'm glad I'm sober.

Because that shit sounded fucking nuts.

Hold on, I'm trying to time out who I was with during Zach's bachelor party.

Who was I with?

What was your trouble?

What are you talking about?

That bachelor party was, nothing happened.

No one remembers it.

And none of your exes are remembered.

That was the night that Shane got SNL.

Yep.

Oh, yeah, in 2019.

And then on the night of Zach's wedding, I got so hammered.

We got fired before it, but it was like two or three days before your wedding.

And then I i remember pat and oswalt started tweeting about shane yep and then i i had a drunken tirade against pat and oswald in the photo booth at uh alligator bar that's so funny you got like drunken cat eyes tweeting pat and oswalt you got cat eyes and you go number one you were a waste of time on king of queens

he's a good character i started tweeting him and then patton oswalt he's the man sent me a dm and was like hey dude can we just talk and then i got on the phone with him like the next day and he was the sweetest guy ever pat oswald is he's the man

he's the man he sent james uh he he sent me videos or like audio recordings.

Like James was very young at this time of him doing like

Ratatouille and then also Matt.

See,

Secret Life of Pets.

Yeah, dude, he's the fucking man.

Pat Oswald's a man.

And he also apologized to Shay.

Yeah.

He was like one of the few celebrities that bashed him at first and then immediately publicly was like, I was wrong.

Patton's a man.

Pat is the fucking man.

I only remember the dates of it were perfect because at my wedding, my one friend brought me a newspaper that said Shanka was fired from SNL for comments made on Luis Gomez and Zach Amico's real-ass podcast.

And he circled it and he goes, look, it's your wedding day.

Isn't that perfect?

It's fun.

Well, he got canceled for ones that he made on his own, but then they started digging up the other ones and they were all real-ass podcast clips.

Yeah, it wasn't.

Wasn't even the big show.

Yeah.

I got wings with him that night.

We got SNL because we were both in Queens.

And he was like, should I go to Zach Amico's bachelor party?

And I was like,

I wouldn't.

You're to get fucked up.

And he was like, yeah, I think he went, though right he went i think yeah he went and had some beers yeah because he was like i'm gonna go have beers

he goes yes beers we all had beers but he told me he was like this was also during the era that we had an employee that was buying designer designer ecstasy off the dark web dark web nate dark web nate from australia and uh he one time at skanks was just like i said something about

like pure mdma or whatever and then whatever and he goes you know it's not that hard to get

he said it to me in a way where i was like i don't want to buy drugs off No, yeah, he knows he would bring great, but it was like not even just ecstasy.

It was like, it was letters and fucking

pink hearts.

The pink hearts were.

The pink hearts were wild.

Well, we took those, me and a chick took those to Jamaica, and we snuck them in by, we went to Dylan's candy shop.

I got a bunch of different like candies.

Shout out.

Threw them in there.

Do you think Dylan's candies knows that they're used to bring drugs into other countries?

They do now.

Dylan, you were a fucking birdie.

You're the fucking man.

Yeah, dude.

But yeah, we did a bunch of fucking crazy drugs, bang some hookers that couldn't get hard for come with.

It's such a waste to do drugs and then bang a hooker.

You're like, what are you doing?

Also,

hookers are game worn.

So my question is, do they, they probably prefer if you can't get your dickheart.

No, I think they want to get it done.

I remember one time I was on blow and I ordered a hooker to my apartment.

And I mean, I was just like trying and trying and I just couldn't do it.

And this Asian bitch, I was like, I'll go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

And then I came back and she was running down my hallway to leave.

I was like, all right, what are you going to do?

You can't get hard, not dear.

It was brutal.

I would be so apologetic.

You'd be apologetic if you couldn't get hard for a hooker?

Yeah, I'd be like, I'm sorry.

You're a pro.

What about you?

You're beautiful.

You're so beautiful.

Can we kiss?

Can we just kiss?

I'm glad you can't get hard.

I feel like drugs always make it hard for you

or it's difficult to get hard on drugs.

But that's always what leads to buying a hooker.

Yeah.

I think with Coke, it's more I'm on Coke so I can drink more.

Yes.

And then I do more Coke, and then I drink more, and then that's what the hooker decision comes in.

And you're way past that point.

Dude, I was in a hooker's also at a time when I didn't have money for hookers.

So I would spend

100% of my net worth on a hooker sometimes.

She goes, Well, is it good, baby?

You go, well, it's got to be because I can't pay rent next month.

This is at a time where you you would go to the village voice yeah you'd go to the back of the village voice and you'd like that's it was before there was like I mean there was internet but like you couldn't it was literally your nut for the month

well that's my nut for the month I remember I would have walked I would walk around looking for like the little red village voice kiosks and I'd walk I mean blocks and blocks and blocks I was like where's this continent village voice that's your story to James of walking to school uphill you go I had to go find a newspaper to get hookers now you can just dial them up right on your phone it's pretty wild yeah I mean it's

I wonder if hookers miss the old newspaper days where they're like getting a phone call and being like how you doing baby they had to pay for it they had to pay for an ad they had to call the fucking village voice and be like I'd like to take out an ad okay now you get 13 words she had to write ad copy stuck fuck how many letters am I at suck fuck come on me they go you're at it you go you got like 15 more letters and she's like well swallow yeah it's wild and now hookers are just like, I would be so mad if I were like an old school 90s hooker.

And then you just see now with OnlyFans that you're like, I could have just stayed in my apartment and played with my pussy and made way more money.

Yeah, maybe.

I mean, I think most OnlyFans crewers don't make a lot of money.

I think a lot of these gals, like, I think most.

Really?

And here's the thing: it's like, it's like doing open mic, it's like podcasting.

You don't know it's going to be good or bad until you're in it for a few years.

And you're like, I've just given away everything for $100 a month.

Yeah, I think we only see the budget.

What a shitty thing to realize when you're interacting with.

We only see the top 10%.

True.

We're not seeing the chick that's clearing $75 a month.

$150,000 a monthly average.

So, I mean, these girls are $150?

They all got to go for it.

They still got to be like, all right, well, time to open the money.

Some girls make a lot.

Yeah.

No, that's bumping the average up.

That's got to be.

You think comics are jealous?

OnlyFans models when a girl just starts and she's making like $20,000 a week a month?

You're like, she doesn't even do penetration.

Well, so when I dated the webcam girl, it would be like waves.

Like a new girl would come in, steal all the dudes for the month, and they would all hate her, and then they would go back to regular, and then another new girl would come.

What got them to come back?

They just missed?

It would be like the regulars, but then you would lose anytime a new chick that kind of looked like that came out, it would fuck your month up real bad.

Well, OnlyFans is brilliant because they have your credit card and you can just, you're horny, your dicks in your hand.

You're like, I just click a button.

By the way, you know what I mean?

And then i'm here and now i have another girl that i'm fucking playstation does that because when you set up your playstation account and they go like it's 20 bucks you can buy they all do it it's all it's all it's every business model for everything now

and they make it easier and easier less clicks and less clicks and you're now you're one click away you can just look at your phone and be like oh there

you go i can see this girl's pussy just for one click yeah i fucking to be there'll be a commercial and i'll go would you like to buy this on amazon click amazon does that on their shows where they go oh you like this product just click right here we'll fucking sell it to you god we gotta start doing that in our stand-up acts oh yeah

you know that click right here click scan this i need to get on the next season of beast games dude okay the ranks all i wanted the ranks episode where you talked about this will be out dude all i want to do is get on the next season of

fucking love i'll kill it i know you will i would i would genuinely hold on because it is some physical things right some physical some mental they they choose different so like it's who do we go to

shane and nate are our most famous friends but who do we go to that could take me on beast games nate could probably plug me into beast games shane maybe shane's and shane's probably the better one

nate's more famous technically but nate's like more famous with like adults families and adults shane's more likely to have beers with mr beast yes yeah but mr beast doesn't drink that's a big part because any celebrity that drinks you can use shane to get to them i would i'll just take his name i'm mr beast now and he goes no you're not

compete in my game compete in the beast games dude i could win beast games i think you would win traders too

yes he would traders you would absolutely win traders is just mafia in a house you would

i want you on beast games i want to be on beast games i know we're like talking around we do this i genuinely it's here's the thing i don't Would I likely beat out a thousand people?

Probably not.

No, but you.

I think it would just be so fun to be on Beast Games.

You would be...

My son would love me to be on Beast Games.

Oh, my God.

would be a featured character yeah for sure you're a person like you is wasted not being on a show like this also i would just take whatever deal and backstab everybody so quickly the second they're like 250 000 to kick all the people off your team i was like yep Bye.

Bye.

Quarter mil.

Yep.

Guess what?

Baby James just got new Air Force Ones.

There's one game.

There's one game where they put a million dollars in a cube.

It's like the top 10 people that are left.

It's like episode six or whatever.

Top 10 people are left.

There's a million dollars in a cube.

And these people have all become like friends now.

They're all like, we're bonded.

We did this together.

We all got here.

May the best person win.

So they go, all right, you get to, somehow they, they draw numbers where like they all vote on the next person, right?

So the one girl is the most popular, who's like, just honest, like, you're number one.

They're like, the best number is the best position to be in.

So they go, all right, everyone has to go into their own house.

You can come out and you can take out as much of the money as you want.

and leave the rest for the other players.

And the first girl's like, I'm going to take $100,000.

Everyone gets $100,000.

At the very least, we all make that for being here.

great number two guy goes i'm gonna take two hundred and twenty seven thousand dollars that's so

number three guy takes six hundred and fifty thousand dollars the number four girl comes out there's twenty seven dollars left and she's like she starts breaking down crying me like what would they what is this and then she takes like 5k then everyone else is like it is it is fucking brutal but i would be ruthless i would have taken all i would have left one dollar to be funny yeah i like split one dollar you ready number two and they go is that just the dollar Where's Lewis who's rolling in your money in your house?

Well, they also give you all the money in singles, which is hilarious.

That's so stripper.

They make you feel like they make you feel like you're stripper because they want these big, massive bags of money.

So everything is all in singles.

Oh, dude.

Get Lewis on Beast King.

We can do it.

We know we can do this.

Someone that watches this is going to come up on.

Well, so they, they, like, there was people who were like, oh, I'm here with my wife.

Or two brothers were there.

It's like, I feel like

it's not that they're desperate for people.

The first season would have been the season to fucking get on.

No.

The first season.

It's season two.

Because now it's

more money.

And they're better at producing it.

They've been through it.

And they need characters.

They do need characters.

If it was you two

from the Zach and Lewis podcast, or you can Lewis and Zach podcast.

I don't know.

I was wanting to call it Real Ask Podcast, but if you guys were a team.

We didn't say anything.

We're just watching Dan, because he's such a nice guy, just start to implode over the name.

Oh, I go, is it Lewis first or Zach?

You watched that happen in my own game.

Is it Zach first or Lewis first?

Go back to Real Ass Podcast.

But if you had like...

Do they go by weight talent or the ones named Lewis?

Hair?

You, but you have, like, if I'm producing this show, you have something that's already like a segment where they show your podcast, you getting ready, James being excited that you're on Mr.

Beast.

I pretend that James is retarded, so I have to cure his

James.

He's an actor.

Yeah.

He can do it.

He is.

If he's been in school plays, he can act special needs.

So you can get on on Beast Wars.

You could always just keep him up for a few days.

That's it.

Like put cotton in his teeth or something.

Yeah, put cotton.

Dude, the fucking Marlon Brando.

He's going for fucking Darn Corleone.

He's like, my gag, gang, he can beat up Batman, and I believe him.

And they go, this kid's retarded.

Dude, I'm all for it.

Let's make it happen.

Guys, what a...

If you are a producer of Beast Games.

Let's get me on.

We have a mission now.

What a good way to end the video.

I'll get in shape.

I'll fucking get Lewis on fucking Beast Games.

I would love it.

I'm going to plug it in.

Just for the fun of being on Beast Games.

Yeah.

So people like episode one, they like lose and they start crying.

You're like, guys, do you really think you're going to beat it at a thousand people?

No.

You're just doing it for fun.

No.

It's all for the clips.

I mean, if you get to the top five,

you're five people away from $5 million, which for a lot of people is life-changing money.

Yes.

And you'll have money that...

It's still not enough to retire me, though.

Your car insurance company will go, well, now we can really get at it.

Well, I can just pay.

I could pay like three, four years insurance up front.

Are we going to think about it for a little while?

Yeah, there's no problem.

Oh, dude, I let my ex-girlfriend use my car while I went down.

She fucked it up.

I saw you two days ago.

Oh, dude.

I saw you yesterday.

She rearrended somebody and fucked me up.

Man, I should change your pace.

And now Lewis is going,

sorry, Mr.

Jay.

I got a cracked grill now.

I'm fucking furious.

Oh, really?

Cracked grill.

Cracked fucking grill.

Listen to the Lewis and Zach podcast on GastDigitalNetwork.com.

Go sign up for GastDigitalNetwork.com.

Well, GastDigital.com.

Whatever.

GastDigital.com.

It's a completely other URL.

It's going to send them to you.

We have them both, yeah.

Okay.

Gastdigital.com.