66: OCD Boot Camp with Graham Kay | Soder Podcast | EP 64

Alabama.

I've never done shows in Alabama.

Well, guess what?

That's about to change.

February 20th through the 22nd, I will be in Huntsville, Alabama at Levity Live for five shows.

Grand Rapids, Michigan, I will see you March 8th.

I'll be headlining a show for Gilda's Fest.

One show.

Come on out.

California.

It's such a, I don't have a singing voice.

I have a voice for stand-up.

And thank God that's what I'm doing in California.

February 28th, I will be at the Balboa Theater in San Diego.

March 1st, I will be at the United Theater in Los Angeles.

And then March 2nd, that's a Sunday, I will be at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco.

All those tickets are available.

DanceOder.com.

Go get them right now.

Knowing your side.

Yeah.

I don't know what

good side is.

Yeah.

I have a big head.

Whatever side you're on right now, that's not it, honey.

Oh, work, girl.

Work.

good side i uh i that's i i do i have like i'm

i have like i'm not i i do i have a lot of gay traits except for the sex stuff interior design interior design um you know it's gay never married yeah

he has roommates that's what all your family members say that's graham's roommate he's a confirmed bachelor yeah that was crazy that back in the day they just didn't let anyone be gay yeah they're like he's just a single man yeah that lives at home that they were with his friend brian yeah his friend brian he lives with his friend brian and uh my my parents are like there was two old lesbians that lived in the in the the end of our block yeah and uh that's what they were but my parents said that they were they were uh spinsters like they just never married so they became friends that's an old term it's like they clearly they munch carpet mom and dad hold on i gotta look to see what i'm looking up what's

it's a disparaging and offensive comment.

A woman still unmarried beyond the usual age of marrying.

Yeah, disgusting.

A woman who has never married.

A woman whose occupation is spinning is the third.

This bitch just spins her.

Which sucks if your job is spinning.

And then they go, she's a spinster.

And you go, I'm married.

I get dick.

I just like break dancing.

I just love going like this.

I love getting dizzy.

I get dizzy.

I get dizzy like a motherfucker.

And then everyone's out here thinking I'm a lesbo.

Did they have like the

lesbians at the end of your parents' block?

Did they have like the flannel short haircut?

Were they like obvious lesbians or were they just like two older ladies that hung out a lot?

They looked like two old ladies.

I think they were before.

They were old.

They were probably

born in like the 1920s.

So they were before

they knew about flannel.

Yeah.

They just wear like long dresses.

Yeah, they just God knows what they wore behind closed doors.

When did the lesbo look come out?

Like, oh, that's kind of a fun way to say that.

But like, when did it premiere of like

being butch?

Because, I mean, I bet it's always been around.

Yeah, well, I guess it's kind of interesting because when I look back at the first, my first two lesbians is what I call them.

They were your starting lesbos.

Yeah, I guess they were just like

whatever is not attractive to men.

And you knew that when you were young.

You would see that.

No, I was like, they're two old ladies.

And then you grow up and you're like,

they were lesbians.

Oh, you go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what you say to them.

You go, oh, you two were, oh, I got it.

And that was a wide one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She wasn't a lesbian.

She might have been a girth monster.

Yeah, that's always.

My mom had a neighbor that was gay, and she was like

stereo you know like stereotypically lesbian yeah like masculine acting masculine like was yeah you know she was like hey how you doing to the point where you're like oh you're she wasn't like an old woman that you're like oh she's not married maybe she's gay you were like you love pussy i love then she came in the room and you were like this woman loves pussy

i love that people like see those people and they're in their head they're like they chose that yeah like that's who they are it's like hi that's how I always practice.

Hi.

That's how I've always felt on the subway when I when I see like a gay guy on the subway and you're like, that guy is exactly who he's supposed to be.

It's like,

you're just like, that guy loves penis.

And it offends me.

And it is against God's will.

And so I will attack him.

The second we get above ground, I will attack him.

A rational gay basher who goes, I'm upset by this.

And when the time is right, I will reset God's order.

What other gay stuff do you do besides interior design?

Interior design,

clothes.

I think you dressed.

I butched it up for this pod.

Oh, yeah?

You had to really muck it up to make it look like one of the boys.

You go, I'm really going to dress like I don't care.

You had just an insane outfit on, and you go, God, I look great.

Not for Dan.

I can really, not Dan.

Then I'll confuse him.

Are you often called a sharp dresser?

Yeah, I think so,

especially in comedy circles.

Here's the thing: if I was black, no one would notice.

No.

But if you're white and you care, people are like, well, look at you.

What are you gay?

Those are some of the.

It's like, well, if I was wearing matching shoes and a hat and I was black, people would be like, there's a normal guy.

There's a normal straight guy trying to get puss.

If you want to dress like a comic, you just have to look like a heroin addict.

Yeah.

Just wear like a comic.

Or a lesbian.

Yeah.

Post.

Post.

When they figured out the butch look.

When their look really hit the street.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

If you, not spinster.

You know what it looks like?

If you want to dress like a comedian, you just have to wear clothes that you look like you can sleep in.

Yes.

Everybody looks like they can just take a nap.

Everyone looks like they're at the airport.

Yes.

Yeah.

It's all travel shit like that.

But you're right.

I think as a white guy, if you have any style, they're like, what are you gay?

Yeah.

There's a guy online.

that I used to, he used to pop up on my Instagram feed.

He's like an old man, old white dude, and he would get off his fits and he'd be like, these are my fits for the next coming.

And he was such a sharp dresser that you're like, that's cool.

cool yeah like an old white guy that's like i found these sick adidas that i'm gonna pair with these green slacks and this yellow shirt we're not supposed to as whites we're not supposed to uh peacock yeah because like because it's like who are you consciously we're supposed we like have everything i guess so we're like oh you know no i think it's it's that's how rich people have dirty shoes and poor people have clean shoes and rims on their car yeah you know what i mean you're trying to you're everyone's trying to look look more in the middle so they don't stand out Yeah.

Well, rich people do it because they're afraid they're going to get robbed, I think.

Yeah, maybe.

And

I think like

white people peacocking, there's something about white people that are like, who do you think you are?

Yeah, I get upset.

Where black people go, a black person complimenting your outfit feels so good.

Oh, my God.

Where they go, look at you.

You look good today.

And you go, thank you.

Yeah.

But a white guy goes, who the fuck do you think you are?

Oh, yeah.

Derek Haynes said the other day, he goes, I see what you're doing, man.

I like it.

I was like, oh,

that's when you were gay?

Because my gay thing is

I probably giggle and shriek more than I should.

And then leave a room?

I am very like...

That is gay.

No, no, no, no.

Now that is gay.

You are a gay man.

I would say the thing that I do as the gayest is I go like, whoo, like I get the way I get excited.

I can't get excited around people.

I have to go like, oh, that sucks.

And then I go somewhere private and I go like, eee.

yeah.

Yeah.

That's my, I don't like what you, yeah.

You didn't like that.

I got a little homophobic there.

See what I mean?

I, uh, yeah.

So,

really, you should probably check your privilege.

I don't even know what that means.

It's just something I heard.

I just say that to you.

You should probably check that.

Yeah, dude.

I think every guy does gay stuff.

It's just what gay stuff you do.

And then if you butt-fuck, you go, well, now you're gay.

Now you're gay.

If you blow a guy, you're butt fucked.

Yeah,

I've been waiting for a gay dream my whole life.

To go like, fine.

I like interior design.

I like

clothes.

I like shopping.

I like shopping for clothes.

Do you shop theater?

Probably.

Just shop to feel better.

Maybe.

Well, you know what I do is I'll just go into a store and look around.

I always on clothes.

I always feel really bad about that.

Yeah.

Well, I don't ask for help.

But even when I just go like, I feel like a wister.

Did you ever work retail?

I worked retail.

No.

Yeah.

Never worked retail.

When I worked, worked, I worked in like

a high-end, like I sold Hugo Boss suits

in Ottawa.

So it's like all, Ottawa is a capital of Canada.

So there's like all these like foreign dignitaries.

That's your guys' DC.

Yeah, yeah.

That's right.

That's what a capital city is.

Very good.

And so I would like...

Who says you don't learn stuff?

Yeah, very good.

That's your guys' DC.

I'm telling you right now, there is a fan of mine that goes, okay.

Yeah.

Me saying that.

I know.

This is why you should get a fan base that's very close to who you are because I know.

And someone was watching that and goes, I never thought about it like that.

This is why I don't have a lot of fans.

There's not like a lot of half gay guys.

A lot of half-gay tough Canadians.

Like I've been in fights.

Yeah.

You used to play hockey.

You're a great athlete.

Yeah.

I was, I was an okay athlete, but

you were selling Hugo boss suits.

And

I was so bad at it.

Like

that when like you had to have a

book book with all your clients in it and like write down their names and like if they had kids

and like their sizes

it was early days post-internet, but like you know, there was like that 10-year period where things were still on books.

How old do I think you are?

I was like, is this pre-internet?

Like you're fucking 70.

You were the same age.

I'm like, was this pre-internet?

Like, motherfucker, you grew up with the internet.

I am like, like a couple years older than you, and it's just enough.

Like, I didn't have a cell phone until I was out of college.

Really?

yeah that is older yeah i also have like a weird like i didn't drop i didn't buy my i didn't get a driver's license till i was 21 i did i bought my first car at 32.

what the

old man all right tell me about your little sales book didn't have cars you old fogey

but you had my first cell phone on a donkey i remember i remember when smoking made you strong and guinness was good for you it's good for you and um so you had a sales book so anyway the the

everyone wrote down their clients and personal stuff.

And then when you left the job, they used to ask for,

they would bid, other people would bid on your book.

They'd be like, yeah, because if you have a big salesman that leaves, you'd be like, I need that fucking book.

I need that book.

And people would buy it for like a thousand bucks kind of thing.

Like offhand, like

behind the scenes.

They'd be like, here's your grand.

Let me get that book.

Yeah.

And I knew I wanted to do comedy.

So mine just had like, I just like drew pictures of dicks in it and stuff.

And there was like, I don't know, I was like 22.

And so everyone.

It's so funny, the guy that opens that.

He goes, you know what I got?

I got Graham's thing.

You know, people say he's gay, and they're doing that string off the thing.

And they go, I don't think he's gay.

And they open it.

They go, why are all these penises in it?

Everyone, no, but it was like a joke.

We're going to go buy Graham's book and stuff.

Because all my people who bought suits for me, you have to chalk the

suit at the bottom, like the leg, to measure

how high it's going to be.

And to get it tailored.

To get it tailored at, you know, and mine were always wrong.

Like, one leg would always be shorter than the other.

Because I'm like dyslexic and I'm like,

I'm just easily confused.

Can I talk to you real quick?

Why is half my slacks shorts?

They look like AC DC on one leg and then the other one's like extra long and bad.

God, I think this man is strange.

This whole time, we hired you because we thought you were gay.

We thought you were one of those gay feathers.

It's clear you.

Sucking and fucking.

It is clear you're infatuated with pussy.

It's pussy.

You can't.

Oh my God, this guy's got pussy brain.

This man's brain's all fogged up.

You got a bunch of jugs walking by while I'm chalking it?

Yeah.

You're just riding it across his knee.

He's like, I do not think that is where my suit goes.

Shut up, you look at them jugs.

Oh, look at them jiggly titties.

He's like, I do love those tits, though.

The dignitaries love you.

I am here from Senegal.

Those are nice teeth.

Fat stack.

Oh, wow.

Those are big naturals.

I will take these shorts.

I remember how big those teeth were.

I want my.

I can't.

I can't.

Dude, my favorite bailing of a voice ever was Nate.

We were sitting around doing, we were talking about Grand Theft Auto 4 came out with the Russian main character.

And we were like sitting around.

It was like me, Big J, Lewis, and Nate.

We were like, oh, and then he's all like.

I'm going to have six with it.

And Nate goes, and I'm going to, I don't do voices, man.

He just fucking, it was the fastest I've ever seen someone pick up a voice and punch it.

He just went, no.

So your book, No One Wanted, it was like the joke?

Yeah, it was a joke.

It was a joke book.

That was your first joke book.

It was my first joke book, a bunch of dicks in it.

And then I moved to America and became an illegal immigrant for five years, met you, ate some dogs.

I aided in the help of an illegal immigrant in this country.

I came in a caravan.

A coyote?

At my mom's Dodge caravan.

My mom's caravan.

Did you, when you had that book, did anyone buy it off you or did you keep it?

I tried to sell it and everyone laughed at me.

So do you still have it?

No, my dad cleaned out the basement.

Damn it.

Yeah.

Man loved to clean out the basement.

There's nothing that, what for what?

I'm going to tell you right now, natural disasters and parents cleaning out basements make you lose all the stuff you grew up holding on to.

Yeah.

I spent.

Yeah.

I spent a considerable, and I know my mom listens to this podcast.

Trish, you know you're guilty guilty of this, but I spent from the time I was six to 18, I had a Sports Illustrated subscription.

Every major Sports Illustrated.

Every major Sports Illustrated, Super Bowl champion, World Series champion, NBA champion, those three.

Six.

Sorry, Stanley Cup.

Six or seven.

I used to do Sports Illustrated for kids.

So you had the Ken Griffey Jr.

Backwards hat.

I think so.

The one I remember is the Y Michael when he retired in 1993, when he first walked away.

When Jordan first retired to go play baseball, I had the why Michael.

I had

the baseball one where he was going to baseball.

And then I had the welcome back.

And then I just did that.

I had Montana being traded to the Chiefs.

I had like every 49ers one I kept because I'm a Niners fan.

But like I had major ones and I had them in a giant.

moving box.

And every I would stack them in my

I would stack them in my closet.

And on it, by the way, it would say Daniel Soder with my old address, 1592.

It was like hilarious to think that I thought people were going to be like, I'll just take this guy's Sports Illustrated.

But I had them all saved.

And when I left for college, I told my mom, like, don't touch that box of Sports Illustrated's.

And then my mom moved and she was like, oh, I got rid of all those.

And you're like, she knew, too.

She was like, I don't want to, I don't want to bring this.

I would respect.

And I don't love my son.

No, that, no, no, we both know that's not true.

Yeah, of course not.

A mommy's special boy.

You certainly are.

You know how I know that?

Because

I've known your mom's name for like 15 years.

Well, yeah, I also grew up with an only, I grew up an only child with a single parent.

Yeah.

Katie's been baffled by that relationship.

The more she like spends time with me, she's like,

that's crazy.

What's crazy?

Being a child.

So you only single mom?

An only child and a single mom.

It's just one-on-one.

So yeah, so like, if I'm being a dick, she's just in the way.

No, no, no.

This love affair you're having with your mom.

My mother is trying to eliminate her.

Reverse Oedipus.

It's called a reverse Oedipal theory.

No, it's my mom is,

it's like when you have one parent, she doesn't have another parent to go like, Dan's being a fucking asshole.

Yeah, yeah.

And I don't have his sibling to go like, hey, is mom nuts?

Yeah.

So that's why Kate, because Katie has a brother and, you know, her parents are married.

Yeah.

So she's like, if one parent was doing it, you could just go to the other one and be like, hey I need a little help yeah you know and you're like oh cool but when it's one-on-one you go like am I crazy yeah yeah I think I'm crazy yeah I I always I have like my brother because he has autism yeah like like profound autism I have a lot of traits of a only child yeah because you I'm an only child because I couldn't I have no one to talk to about anything He couldn't confirm your reality and I have to share.

Yeah.

That's wild.

I didn't even think about that.

Yeah, I have to share more.

I have to share more than anyone.

I have to take care of him.

And I can't talk to him about anything.

That's a wild hand to get drawn because

I'm now as an adult realizing how selfish I am as an only child.

People want to play online video games with me.

I'm like, I want to play by myself.

I don't want to play with you.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah.

I'm trying to enjoy it by myself.

It's mine.

Yeah, yeah.

Because that's an only child category.

But if you have a brother, you know how to share at least.

Yeah, I'd be like, mom and dad, it's crazy that mom and dad are throwing stuff at each other and

dad's leaving for a couple days, right?

Yeah.

And my brother's like, I pooped.

Yeah.

And you're like, okay, all right, I'll clean it up.

Yeah, you go.

All right.

All right.

But sometimes that might be good to get you out of that where you go like, I could have bigger problems.

No, I had, I, I developed really bad OCD and then I got sent to boot camp because my parents thought I was on drugs.

Because of your OCD.

Yeah, I didn't have the heart to tell them.

I didn't know.

I didn't like, I was too nervous to tell them that I thought that if I didn't touch everything three or nine times, my face was going going to change.

So they were like, are you on drugs?

And I was like, yep.

And then they sent me to boot camp for two years.

My last two years of high school, I was in a town at 300 in Saskatchewan, like a, like a three-hour plane ride away.

Oh my God.

By the way, I remember talking to you about this.

I didn't know the reason why you got sent.

Yeah.

But I remember you telling me about military school because you have old pictures where you legitimately look like Wolverine.

That's how exact you are.

There's nothing to do.

You're like in jail.

So like all my, I'd call my friends.

You're like, we're partying.

We're having sex.

I'm dealing a little bit of drugs.

I got money.

What are you doing?

I'm like, well, I drank extra juice.

And that was exciting.

I could have unlimited juice at snack time.

And I spent about six hours in the gym.

And if you skip church, if you can hide from the guy coming to find you to scoop everyone up for church,

we watch VHS porn in the family room together.

All the guys who skip church.

And you're not allowed to, lights were off at 9.30.

30 and if your lights were not off a guy would come in with a hockey stick and break it and you could not go to the bathroom after nine if you went to the bathroom you'd get beat up i watched a guy we watched like a new guy came and he was like uh i want to go to the bathroom and i'm like we i'm like buddy you can't now are you guys all in a uh common bedroom like there's five to a to a room about like two bunk beds and then one bed out the middle of one of the bunk beds that was smaller we called it the penis bed the smallest boy would go in the penis bed.

Really?

Yeah.

Was it a very tiny bed?

It was like a

twin.

Okay.

And I guess they're all twins, but it was smaller.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It was like a double?

Yeah, but a little smaller.

I don't know.

I don't know where they would buy that mattress.

But it was the penis.

Sad mattress store?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They go, well, we got the sad mattress.

And they go, you know what?

That's perfect for our penis bed.

We'll get it.

That's actually the name of it.

Yeah.

I go, you know, in Canada they call a mattress a penis bed if it's like small?

Yeah.

Even if you're a woman.

Yeah.

Gotta sleep in the penis bed.

Yep.

Even if you're a spinster.

You put two mattresses together.

That's a clam bed.

That's a touch pussy.

So you, so the smallest guy got the tiny bed.

Yeah.

So there's like five to a room, and in our dorm, there was probably like 20 rooms or so.

And it was like a long hallway.

And

the rooms were like, I don't know, like.

maybe two of these rooms.

I don't know, which is like 10 by 10.

Yeah.

And

then,

so

buddy is like new there and he's like, this is fucking bullshit.

I'm going to the bathroom.

I'm like, buddy, don't do it.

Really?

Yeah.

And then he goes,

hold it.

He goes, I'm going.

And he like opens up the door.

And then they have like the bigger, stronger kids are like the old boys of the dorm and they're the enforcers.

And it's like you divide and conquer kind of.

So they make them turn on you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they get special privileges and they get like a two-bedroom

so they have more room, you know?

And

and then we hear the whole dorm here is like shouting in the hallway, and so everyone's like head pops out of each.

There's like five heads, yeah, like little mice on top of each door, all down the hallway of each thing.

And then, uh, all hears like

and I pop my head out, and I just see a guy's guy's foot,

he got knocked out, and his feet were just sticking out of the bathroom doorway, like, uh, the wizard, like the Wiki Witch of the West, like the house crusher, yeah, yeah.

It streaks back, the socks are all striped and they go under so you couldn't what if you had to shit

uh you'd get beat up who would beat you up the older kids the old boys yeah was there anyone i mean that what if that's how you find out that's that unlocks your inner like warrior is you have to poop real bad and you go you wouldn't like me when i have to poop yeah and he's like no i don't think so bud you're going back to that and you go don't

Let me poop.

He's like, don't push me.

Don't push me.

And then you snap his arm.

He's like, ah god john wickham or more likely you think you have special powers and then you just shit your pants and get knocked out that's what i mean get knocked out that is such that he starts coming out that's the gamble you get knocked out you're gonna piss it's very bad yeah you don't want to get did he piss the guy that got knocked out i don't think so uh what did he come back what did he come back to the room like was he like you guys could have warned me well concussed a little out of it i would say yeah he just had to sit there for a little bit and he still got a piss like what i know about cte these days and concussions and what like following like nfl and stuff like that, it's like he should have gone to the hospital.

It's bad what happened to him.

If you get knocked out, that's very bad.

You shouldn't go straight to sleep.

No, you should go straight to

math class

the first thing in the morning.

My brain is so sick.

I'm just out of it today.

Well, I had to piss last night and found out that's illegal.

Blood coming from your ear?

Your parents thought you were on drugs because you were so OCD?

I had to touch everything three or nine times because nine is the perfect three, of course.

Yeah, so everything, like Mike, one, two, three.

Yeah, sitting down in chairs, like in school and stuff.

And my gosh, you're sitting down one.

Yeah.

I was like,

you know, like there was like a couple kids that I hung out with that were like

doing, like, dealing oxy or on, or like just.

you know, on some sort of drugs, but nothing crazy.

Yeah.

Like I'd smoked pot.

I'd bought pot twice and smoked pot like maybe six times.

I got drunk probably 10 times in my life.

Yeah.

And this is like I was like 16.

And every time I sat down, I had to do it three times or nine times.

Like on your, yeah.

So like if you're sitting down, you have to go like one.

Exactly.

Oh, that would look wild.

Yeah, I do it in class.

Yeah, that would look, it looked like you were just bouncing your ass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why has Grant got so much tush?

My name's Gray.

Grant, I know.

I didn't mean to say Grant.

I said Grant.

I was like, Graham, goddamn.

No, Americans can't say my name.

It's fine.

You go,

I'm sorry, is it Gray?

So you would bounce your butt three to nine times.

And I'd be like,

I'd be sitting there in class, like, why wouldn't anyone fuck me?

Yeah.

Well, probably because you're dropping it like it's hot.

That's right.

Fucking diet types.

So instead of telling your parents the truth and being like, I have OCD.

Well, did you even know it was OCD?

I did,

but I was old enough where my psychiatrist couldn't tell my parents.

And I wouldn't tell my parents.

Why, because you weren't 18?

Because I was 16.

It was like old enough where they didn't have to tell my parents.

So you had a psychiatrist.

Yeah, because I was like acting weird and they were like you have a you have obsessive compulsive disorder yeah but they did want to tell your parents they were they legally could not because i was above 16.

and you didn't because you were embarrassed by it i was embarrassed because i i

i hadn't i didn't really know much about it they didn't give me much information about it they gave me like a pamphlet and it like well that should have been all in the 90s it's yeah it's like

well that's all we have that's all the info we have stop being a weirdo yeah yeah you and then I was just like, well, that's fucking that's weird.

I didn't want like it's weird when you're that age because you're very self-conscious and then you already cuz you're you're 16, but you also don't want to be like

well I

if I don't sit down three or nine times I think my face is gonna change into a killer.

I saw on the news.

Oh That's what it was.

Yeah, but you know it's crazy OCD is crazy be weird because you know it's crazy, but you can't stop.

Yeah, I did it.

It's like you're watching yourself.

I did it very

much smaller than that.

yeah where like um i had a thing where i think every light switch in my house had to be facing up because we had three light switches on our stairs like if you walked up the stairs there was like one two and then another one so half the lights were on no you could turn them off if they were all up either they're all down or all up or you could you could switch them so they were up or down yeah and i always had to have them up yeah yeah that meant things were positive oh that's yeah and then uh i can always had

hard

i didn't think about it like that that would have broke my brain when i was like 12 i would have been like right.

Yeah.

But I also had to leave the same door that I came in, which caused a lot of problems.

Because they'd be like,

that's the empire.

Dude, I swear to God, there'd be times where they'd be like, you can't go through that door.

I'd be like, I have to.

And they'd just like walk through and be like, yam, yam, yam, like fucking alarms going off.

Well, you were probably going through a very stressful point in your life.

And I think that people that are OCD are

better at

comedy or just sports, things that take a lot of time to get good at

and a lot of focus because you repeat and you have to do it.

And there's a way to shift the OCD to get good at something.

That's just repetitions.

Repetitions and focus on it.

Well, I have to, I have to do, if I don't do 10, like when you start out comedy, it's like if I don't do 10 sets this week, I'm going to jump off a bridge.

And so you do it.

You just do it.

That is,

that's actually a great observation because I remember doing open mics.

I had do

15 to 20 sets a week.

Let me see how our groups are different.

But that was the thing where I was like, if I didn't do 15 to 20 sets a week,

I would have panic attacks about it.

Like, there'd be a week where I'd do like 14 and I'd be like, I fucking suck, dude.

Yeah.

I got to do, I'll go do fucking 30 more.

Like, dude, Mike Lawrence used to do like

eight to 10 mics a day.

And he, you know, that's that's a man with,

you know, autism.

And autism is very close to OCD.

And even back then we didn't know what it was we're like Mike's got dirty glasses yeah why does he why does he write so many jokes and can't make eye contact with me and then you go got it

I remember the big one of the biggest compliments I got because he said he was so mean back then well he was so critical yes because he was because he was unencumbered by social norms he did not have the thing that goes I probably shouldn't tell that no and he he came up to me and he was just looking at my shoulder and he was like grandma that that joke about ghosts is really, really funny.

And I just think you're a really good writer.

And then walked away.

And I was like, oh,

that's the crap.

That's the crap.

He's so funny.

He's so funny.

He just wrote for Nikki on the Golden Globes.

He writes for everything.

He is.

Mike Lawrence's.

He did a

when we were starting to, when our group, because we started, you were a couple years ahead of me, but when, like, I consider you almost, you're like, you know, we're all in the same group.

I was in ninth grade, you were in 10th grade.

Same stuff.

But the, the, our group was starting to do late nights, and he got a Conan.

Yeah.

And then that night he did three open mics.

That's nuts.

And we were like at open mics, and I was like, you're sick.

Yeah.

Go be happy.

I was always like, why don't I do 20 like him?

And I was like, oh, because that's not...

Because if I did Conan, I would be able to enjoy it.

See, Nate,

who's never been diagnosed.

Nate used to do that many sets.

Nate would go, when he got Conan, he would go do as many mics as he could because he thought if he bombed with the set, then when he did a late night, it would go better.

I remember he did Conan.

I get that.

That's before the set, though.

And a mic wouldn't let, an open mic wouldn't let him go up.

Why?

He's like, I'm running my set for Conan.

The guy's like, we're busy.

And you know, Nate.

Nate's like, I'll never forget that guy.

Oh, for sure.

And I bet he still remembers him.

100%, Nate.

If this clip gets to Nate, Nate goes, I know who that is.

But it was,

that was like a kind of thing where,

did you ever reveal to your parents that you were OCD, like after they sent you to military military school yeah yeah yeah did they feel horrible well they were so stressed no my dad still goes like

I'm glad you went there

and I'm like all right dude

are you glad you went there no you wish you would have spent your last few years yeah I hated it yeah I really hated it I met my best like my best friend there because we were both like the two like like funny guys yeah and like you know when you meet somebody with the same sense of humor you're like oh at least we have this yeah you know but it was tough like all my friends were like like, getting laid and like having fun and going to parties.

I remember I like made out with a girl at a party for the first time.

We like her friend grabbed both of our arms and brought us to like some back room and we did like stuff.

And I remember like, I'm so close to having sex.

It's just around the corner.

And then all of a sudden I'm in Saskatchewan.

Oh my gosh.

There was 300 guys.

There was 50 girls.

And every girl, there was also a junior hockey team in that town.

And you weren't allowed to leave campus.

Like, there were alarms on the windows and stuff.

And my friend escaped.

You didn't piss at night.

No, my friend escaped.

And a farmer found him in the ditch.

And the farmer was like, where are you from?

And he wouldn't tell him for two days because he just wanted to break.

And then he eventually told him.

The farmer brought him back.

But anyway, there was 50 girls and there was a good junior hockey team in that town.

And they weren't part of the school and they had cars.

And

they were like 18 and 19 and they're all jacked and so they got all the pretty girls like the six pretty girls are gonna go with them yeah and so not you and it was like a lot of hockey it was like a hockey school too so like a lot of

they were like a lot of the uh the the women there uh had flannel got it yeah they were spinning they were uh they were learning how to spin yeah learning how to spin i don't know if you know this you know what they were having a good time they enjoyed oh my god are you kidding me what a little fucking pussy paradise dude there was one mattress because it was surrounded by by wheat fields yeah so it looks like the ocean all you see is sky

and uh but there was one mattress one of the one of the penis bed mattresses got dragged out to in the middle of the wheat field and there was just condoms all around it and we'd we'd look at it and be like what lucky guys been out here oh the farmer that owns that field he goes i was cutting down some wheat and uh so i found a fuck mattress i think it was one of those penis beds man alive oh my God.

All the condoms.

I mixed all the cum and

I made a real boy out of it.

It was just a cum soup Pinocchio.

That sucks because when you tell your parents that, you do want that kind of thing of like,

you want your mom to grab your hands.

Like, I'm sorry, my baby.

They said they're like, good.

They're like, good.

They had their hands full with my brother.

Sure.

Is your brother younger than you?

Yeah, he's three years younger.

Okay.

Yeah.

So he was the baby and had autism.

Yeah.

you were basically like, hey, Graham, you're a roommate now.

Yeah.

Did you feel that when you were like a kid?

Did you feel like, oh shit, okay.

It's all because I've known friends of mine that have siblings with special needs.

There's like this maturity in them because from the time they were like seven,

they were kind of like, you're an adult now.

Help us with this other one.

Yeah.

They're, you're like, you are, you, it's not about you.

You know, the whole world is not about you.

You grow up immediately knowing that.

Yeah.

And, um and then so you grow up very mature and normal and um

everything's fine and you don't become a comedian because you need attention does that do you feel like that was the the thing where i never thought that till i went to therapy and it's very obvious

do therapy points out stuff sometimes that you go like i you know it's like um

When a good stand-up joke, that like hacky, hackney line when someone goes, it's funny because it's true.

yeah but when you go to therapy and they say something you go i do be doing that dude yeah you get so mad i would get so mad when people be like comedians they just want attention i was like no one ever says that about lead singers or musicians yeah what's the difference we prep we practice an art and then we get good at our instrument and my therapist is like uh yeah so uh you take care of your brother and your uh parents didn't pay attention to you and they sent you away and so you uh needed attention i was like ah fuck yeah so you're acting out as an adult you go yeah son of a bitch Yeah.

Yeah.

That is

one of those stories of like lying and then the punishment being worse than just if you would have gone, I have OCD.

And your parents would have been like, I think your parents would have been more open to learning about it.

Maybe.

Because they had an autistic child.

So isn't there like...

I think that my parents are a little autistic.

I think that I'm a like, you know what CODA is?

Yeah, the children of deaf people.

Yeah.

I think I'm CODA for autism.

Like everyone in my family has autism.

I'm just like, oh, okay.

There is that moment, though, where I feel like if you are a Coda or your parents who have autism, I don't know why in my brain it immediately clicks to like, so you can dominate that family.

No, they dominate you.

But in my mind,

oh, if you're a deaf one.

Yeah, because then you're like, I can, I can move in ways you can't see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can hear.

I can hear it.

Yeah.

Yeah, because there's like blasting porn in the family room.

What's that?

Yeah.

You can't hear nothing.

Yeah.

It's all audio books talking shit.

But my aunt did that.

My aunt said.

Some

porn romance novels.

novels and then he revealed her breast and you go nothing mom and she's like sewing

my um my aunt used to do a lot of drugs when she was a kid and she didn't want to tell my grandmother

and she did my aunt told me the story my karen i go i try to say aunt now instead of aunt because i grew up going my aunt i say aunt I say aunt too.

But people on the East Coast try to correct you all the time and say aunt.

No, you sound poor.

Aunt.

Aunt is poor?

Yeah.

I feel like aunt is poor.

I feel like aunt sounds more high.

Whatever I do is rich.

Cool.

All right.

I get it.

Hey, I'm not messing with you, dude.

You fucking dropped that butt on that seat nine times.

Yeah.

I used to work out.

Yeah, I used to work out.

But my aunt did, she told me one time she did 15 hits of acid.

Oh my god.

This is like

mid, like late 60s.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe mid-60s.

She was like 17.

Yeah.

And she did a bunch of acid

in her room because she was grounded.

So she just took acid.

Your aunt's.

Right.

And now you're like,

Aunt Karen ripped.

Yeah.

She's dead.

She's been dead since 07, but Aunt Karen ripped.

Yeah.

But she

said that she took all this acid and then she was in her room.

And then she just went out and watched TV with my grandma and started tripping.

And she said she started laughing and being like,

My grandma had white, curly hair from the time she was like 30.

She went went gray very early.

And so she was like, I had this like white, puffy hair.

And my aunt was all on acid.

And she's like, you got snakes coming out of your hair.

And my aunt was like, my grandma was like, what?

And my aunt Karen was like, you got snakes coming out of your hair, like laughing about it.

So my grandmother had her committed.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

She took her to an insane asylum.

And she's like, my daughter's lost her mind.

Yeah, yeah.

Because she was on 15 hits of acid.

That's right.

And my aunt was like, day one, ruled.

Cause she was like in a mental institution.

And she's like talking to people.

And they're like, the aliens left me and my aunt's on acid.

And she's like, yeah, they did.

The aliens dropped you off.

Oh, she was still on acid when she got sent.

She was stripping her ball.

She got committed that day.

They took her down and committed her.

Because it happened that night.

She was there for three nights.

And she said, by like the second day, she was like, what the fuck?

And then on the third day, she had to call my grandmother and be like, hey, I was on drugs.

Like, I'm not on drugs anymore.

Please come pick me up.

She had to go get her out of the asylum.

But in that, that's like that immediately you telling me that made me think of my aunt it was like yeah i'm

mom i was high on lsd yeah no one knew what lsd was it was like right she was in san francisco in the mid 60s no one really knew outside of like a handful of people what acid was so especially my grandmother from oklahoma she was like what

Yeah, she's like, you went crazy.

And that makes more sense than her being like, I'm on a drugs that make, I'm on drugs that make me see things.

Yeah, it's like, why would you take those drugs?

Yeah.

Like my grandmother, who's Dust Bowl, okloma i would want to see snakes coming out of my head she goes what you ate paper and it made you crazy yeah she said get the out of here but i think that's so funny that you're so up three days at an asylum and you're like oh i gotta i gotta make a phone call i'm

you have to piece it together too right you have to be like why am i here cool at first

at first the people you're talking to you go if you're on acid because the way and karen explained it to me she was like the first day she was like oh this is cool she was saying like oh this is real groovy oh you seeing people oh okay i see people too man

and then by the second day she's like hey man you guys are kind of far out there there's poo everywhere yeah there's you guys really like to bite each other oh my god and then on the third day she's like get me the out of here this is a human zoo yeah that was i mean thank god I never I feel like I would be the kind of person that would immediately go like, I'm on drugs.

Please, I'm on drugs.

Please don't send me there.

Yeah.

So I'm surprised you didn't at all go like.

Because I wasn't on drugs.

I was crazy.

Yeah.

So I was embarrassed that I was crazy.

Yeah.

But when you get, like my, my family is like my, it's like, we're very loud.

Yeah.

Like we, my brother is the way my brother is, but also my parents aren't normal.

Like we would get kicked out of restaurants just for being loud and they would just be screaming at each other.

My brother be spinning in the corner and I'd be going like

sitting up and oh my god the waiter goes this is the hardest table I've ever had.

He'd be like the manager would come and be like you guys got to go.

We wouldn't make it.

What would your parents be yelling at each other about?

Domestic stuff?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like a normal couple arguing?

Because you said your parents are weird.

Or are they like...

No, no, no.

Your mom dropped a piece of ice on the table and your dad fucking spun out.

It would be both.

I mean, I do this in my act, but because

I'm trying to enact revenge on them.

But

I like record them.

I just like I record them arguing and then I'll just repeat what they say, rememorize it and repeat it on stage.

But like one,

I brought an ex up like for the first time, my girlfriend to like poem to meet the parents.

And my mom goes,

David, can you go downstairs and get a bottle of wine for dinner, please?

And he goes, okay.

And then she goes, one more thing.

While you're down there, can you bring up a cardboard box?

And he goes, okay.

She goes, I need that for later.

He goes, okay.

Goes downstairs, comes back up a couple minutes later,

bottle of wine, notebox.

My mom goes, David,

David, where's the box?

You never listen.

You never listen.

He goes, you don't shout at me that way, woman.

She goes, woman, woman, you don't own me.

That's why I never took your last name.

Oh my God.

I am not your slave.

Then she stood up and started to, then my, this is for your girlfriend.

Yeah.

She started to cry and go, I am not your slave, David.

And starts like street, like, crying.

And my dad goes, stop using tears as a weapon.

Oh, my God.

And then we just ate dinner.

And then you just eat.

Yeah.

And then you get, and then your girlfriend leans over and she goes,

Because my brother and I, we grew up with that.

We don't even notice it.

So we like, they'll start screaming and crying.

And my brother-in-law is just like,

catch up.

And he's like,

there you go.

Just like, just like blinders on, like horseblinders.

I can disassociate when they, like, they, I brought them, they visited New York for their, and for their 45th wedding anniversary.

So there you go.

That's how you keep keep it together took them to dinner and um

they they screamed at each other and my mom cried and we were like on a patio like we were sitting like this close to a couple's like they were just like but whenever you see that if you're if you're a couple and you see that sometimes when you're when you're a couple and you see another couple fighting yeah you feel better about yourself yeah because you go at least we're not doing that huh yeah yeah yeah Yeah, my parents were good for that.

All of Eastern Ontario got to feel good about themselves.

They're like, we're in a good thing.

What did your girlfriend say when she saw that?

She was like, that's crazy.

Like later when you guys were alone, she's like,

yeah.

I was like, let's go see downtown.

Let me show you downtown.

And we got in the car.

She's like, what the hell was that?

And I was like, what?

No, it was fine.

I wouldn't have remembered that fight if she wasn't like, that was, we should talk about.

She said this and that.

And then she cried.

I go, she did.

Oh, yeah, I guess so.

And another thing with therapy is like, I was like, I got OCD.

I guess I was mentally ill.

And then

my therapist was like, when did it stop?

And I was like, well, I got sent to that school and then i you know uh

i always thought that i dug myself out of the hole using you know mental agility fortitude turns out i just left the house that's wild

do you have it when you go back do you when you go back do you feel it are there is there like an itch to sit down like that uh

not as much it used to when i was in my 20s and i would go back i'd start flicking lights but now i'm just like

i've been away long enough i have enough buildup that's like when people find a food allergy.

Yeah.

And they're like, if you stop eating that, you know, you'll stop shitting your brains out.

And you go, huh.

I just thought it was because

I was cursed.

And then

as I do their picking up cheese, they go, don't eat it.

And you go,

sorry.

I did it again.

Yeah.

No, but OCD is always, I always like to describe it as like being sober.

I don't drink anymore, but I'll always be an alcoholic.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm always going to be OCD.

I'm always going to be OCD, but like, if I get tired, sometimes I'll start flicking lights and be like, what am I doing?

And I'll go to bed.

The sitting things never came back, though.

No, it really helped when you

wanting to get laid really helps.

Yeah.

Like,

even like sharing bottles, like alcohol and stuff.

I could never,

ever share a glass or a bottle with anybody.

But as soon as I was like on a date, she's like, try this.

I was like,

you know?

She's like, I need this.

Yeah.

I need you.

The stronger part of my body was like.

Your penis.

like shut up you shut up dumb brain

well we have to sit down nine times that's wild yeah yeah i always i always wondered like what would be the thing if if

like

to have ocd and then your parents go like nah you're fine you're good yeah i mean when you came back from military school did it happen then

did i get ocd again yeah

I never lived a full year after that.

You just go stay with me.

me.

I went to college and then I went to, then I lived in Budapest for a year, and then I moved to New York and tried to do, and like was Budapest-like.

It was awesome.

I got a, I, uh, I'm good at interviews.

I've been fired 22 times in my life.

Oh, I'm good at interviews, but not good at the job part.

What makes you good about it at interviews?

Well, I seem normal.

I can make eye contact.

I, I can, I, I seem intelligent, but I am.

And then they hire you and they go, we got a and I'm like,

sitting down, dude.

We got fucking hustled on the floor.

I'm easily confused.

But anyway, so it was a logistics job.

The Canadian government paid me to work for a private American shipping company doing logistics during the height of the Iraq war.

So we shipped things from

America into

via Kuwait, into Iraq, into Baghdad International Airport, aka Camp Victory at the time.

Anything an American army base would need other than weapons.

So like hammers, nails, TVs, comic books, because they're all children.

They're all like 18.

Cigarettes?

Cigarettes, yeah.

Did you ever skim from the top?

A couple darts for Grandmo?

That was the most Canadian I've ever heard you.

That was the most Canadian shit I've ever heard you.

Hey, bud.

A couple darts for Grandmo?

That's so fucking funny.

Couple three cartons of darts.

Yeah, it's fucking ripping butts, bud.

Ripping fucking darts outside.

So funny.

You just, all this shit's coming through.

That's a fucking cool job.

Did you like it?

But if you talk shit about, if you, if you fucking tell anyone I'm fucking skimming darts, I'm going to tune you up.

We're dropping the mitts.

You're getting lit up.

Here's my question.

You've lived in both Canada and America.

Yeah.

Are Canadians better at fist fighting than Americans?

Yes, because

there are no guns.

Only farmers have like guns.

So everything.

And they have like shotguns and hunting rifles, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

yeah

and so um every fight there's no threat of being shot in the head sure so it does see itself through into a fist fight got it there are certain towns

where you will get stabbed are those the big cities like ottawa city uh vancouver toronto uh

i like how you called it ottawa city you mixed Quebec City Quebec City and Ottawa.

Because you're thinking Ontario.

That's what what I'm thinking.

And yeah.

I don't respect your country.

Toronto is the capital of Ontario.

Yeah, no, you absolutely don't.

I have zero respect for your country.

No, no.

For your fist-fighting country.

That really is that when you're an American, you're like raised to be like, fucking kick-ass, grab a gun.

Yeah.

Light some shit up, brother.

Rambo, Terminator.

Yeah.

All of it.

You're like, give me the biggest fucking gun.

All your toys have guns.

No, our toys had guns, too.

That's kind of weird, though, isn't it you guys grew up playing with action figures with guns and then you're like and water pistols we can't get these at all well we were playing war and like shooting each other we weren't like we when do we get to really shoot each other in the head you guys never played mass shooter yeah squirt gun

revenge we all we all we all take turns being the teacher

jumping in front of oh oh someone go block the door

i'm mentally ill and i'm trying to get in the room no one will fuck me so i'm gonna kill you all

That's what the new war is.

Kids don't play war much anymore.

They play clear out the mall.

I'm shopping with my family.

Now my life is different.

Yeah, that's that's I think that's you're absolutely right.

That's why Canada is better at fist fighting.

I mean, yeah, hockey, hockey.

Everyone's like, you guys are so nice.

It's like, have you ever seen a hockey game?

Yeah, you guys.

By the way, I will say,

YouTube hockey fight,

Canadian hockey fights mic'd up.

You guys are the best shit talkers because

you're polite during your shit talking.

Yeah.

Where you like ask, you go, like, you want to go, bud?

Yeah, you want to go?

And you go, I throw.

You throw, I throw.

Yeah.

You throw it out, and then you start fucking.

Yeah.

And it's like 20 punches to the head.

And then they're like, spit out a tooth and like, I'll go to the box.

Yeah.

Good fight, bud.

Good fight, yeah.

I think there's something to be said about it.

Sometimes it gets it out.

It gets it out.

You pop the zit.

Yeah.

If you fucking beat the shit out of each other.

And hockey players are the toughest athletes.

Well, you're basically outside of mixed martial arts and boxing.

You're playing

70% of the physical contact of a football game.

And

a football player can only physically do like 17 games a year.

Hockey has 82 games.

You're not suspended or ejected for fighting unless it's a specific kind of fighting, right?

Like you're allowed within the rules to fight however it results in a penalty.

You need fighting in hockey.

The reason why it hasn't, I haven't got rid of it yet, is because it's such a fast sport that you can take liberties with the other team's best player.

And

you can elbow them, and no one can see it.

You can do stuff that the ref won't catch.

And the only way that you can

adequately police is if you go,

all right,

if you do that, I'm going to break your nose in front of your family.

Yeah.

He goes, Well, that's not fun.

Your mom's watching on TV and your dad's watching.

They're in the stands.

I'm going to beat you up.

Yeah.

You know, and

it helps for the most part.

You know, it's like how like in basketball, like, you know, if there's like, you have a jump shooter, people like Zaza Pachouli or whatever his name was, he like stuck his leg under Kawhi Leonard and then he sprained his ankle and then nothing could happen.

You can't fight him.

And that's why the Spurs didn't win that year.

Yeah.

Because you can't fight him.

You can't go like, you can't send a guy who's like eighth on the bench to be like, hey, next time he's on the floor, why don't you go fuck him up?

In hockey, someone, the next shift, would grab Steph Curry and beat him up.

Yeah.

And be like, you like that?

That's why.

Is that what you wanted?

Yeah.

That's what you get.

Sidney Crosby always was amazing to me because he was so good at hockey, but he also always had his own goons where like guys on the penguins were like you touch him yeah I'm gonna fucking break your face I met Wayne Gretzky's because they call him enforcers yeah enforcers or policemen yeah I met Wayne Gretzky's enforcer his name was Dave the Tiger Williams sick and he signed a hat I had and he was like I was like my name's Graham and he goes and he spelt like uh glad wrong see we all do it

good job tiger I'm right there with you so much CTE he's like very good

yeah he goes you didn't touch wayne did you you go no sir no sir no sir but i think that's like um offices should do that if you have like a good employee and they're like don't with him yeah inter office politics might with him and he just has a he has a goon yeah where he's like hey were you mean to roger in accounting and you're like why is that he's like just pulls your shirt over starts beating the shit out of you i'm sorry he ate my lunch he's like that that's why i loved do you remember that um commercial series terry tate office linebacker yeah Yeah, that was great.

They're on YouTube.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Please go watch them.

They're so funny.

But just when the guy throws the recycling, he throws the can in the regular trash, and he's like, whoa, whoa, and the guy scrambles to throw it back.

Because there is something about like.

I feel like that's how

the offices were in

the Nazi government.

Where they're like, you'll screw it up.

Just the simple filing part of the Nazi government.

Do you know if I have my escape line?

Ah, shit, shit, shite, shit, shit.

Oh, no, this is really going to, he's really going to come down on me.

No, no, no, no, no,

no, I'm in so much trouble.

Yeah, dude.

Oh, my God.

He's going to shoot my mother.

Working in Hitler's office?

Yeah.

You're like, I fucked up.

I fucked up.

I didn't get the cars at the Russian squad wall.

He's going to gasp my labradutro.

Yeah, dude.

He goes, oh, that new wife of yours.

You go, yes, my Fiora.

We're going to send you to Auschwitz.

Son of a bitch.

I see this.

Well, that's how they said about like Saddam Hussein's son.

Like he would torture the Iraqi soccer team because they wouldn't win.

Yeah.

So they'd have to go home and be like,

fuck.

Yeah.

And they'd be like, Uday Hussein wants to see you.

And you're like,

damn it.

And then he would put a car battery to their testicles because they like missed a shot.

Good lord.

That's not how you make a winning team.

No.

You go miss and you go, fuck no.

You just miss a shot.

You're like, they're going to zap my nut.

I would have broke so quickly quickly if it was like an Iraqi soccer player.

I tell you what, I'd be blinking and twitching and sitting up and down.

OCD would be the least of your problems.

Hopped, hopped, hopped, hopped.

He's like telegraphing where he's going to kick this thing.

Why does this man sit down nine times?

He's got a little thing called OCD.

Torture him.

Uday Hussein, surprisingly uncompassionate for the OCD.

What if he was?

He's like, well, I know a little bit.

I also struggle with mental illness.

Having a father like Saddam is not easy.

It's very pressure cooker.

Anybody peeped at Uday Hussein's OCD?

After he gassed the Kurds, Uday got a little weird about it.

If you have OCD, we're not mocking you.

We're embracing you.

No.

We are mocking the Kurds.

You should have fought.

No, if you read that, you're like, oh, fuck.

Saddam was a nasty little man.

But now you're a full-time resident of the United States.

You're not an illegal immigrant.

This doesn't have to.

No, no more dogs.

No more kitties.

You don't have to worry about Trump coming in?

I do.

I mean,

I only have a green card.

Are you worried about Trump coming in?

Well, so

I got a green card.

I had a 0-1 performing arts visa when I lived in L.A.

And then I applied and then got a green card.

And

they have a beginning date of the green card and that my 0-1 had an end date.

And so they were going to overlap.

So I was not going to have to leave America.

The whole time I would have been illegal or legal, rather.

And

what happened was, is

he got elected and I had been arrested in America.

I punched a cop and I got drunk.

I got attacked from behind.

And

they were playing clothes.

It was during the stop and frisk era.

Yeah.

And they were playing clothes.

They just grabbed you.

They just grabbed me from behind and they

like slammed my head against the

grate of a bodega that was closed that night.

My friend was, she was tagging an outdoor ATM and I was like, why are you tagging?

We're almost 30.

Want to see my tag from ninth grade?

And I grabbed her marker and then all of a sudden I'm being slammed by a guy in jeans.

And so I elbowed him in the head.

And then, you know, they're like, two of them grabbed me from behind, slammed me on the ground, handcuffed me.

And I was in jail.

I was in jail for

I was, you know,

you make a phone.

You're allowed to tell them a number, and then they call that number, and that person, hopefully, will come get you out.

Sure.

But the only number I could remember is my parents' phone number back in Canada.

Fuck.

And they're out walking the dog.

So my brother picked up.

Fuck.

And

he, you know,

he's autistic?

Yeah,

we always pretend that we're Bert and Ernie, my brother.

So he goes, I don't know Graham.

I know Bert.

And then so I was just, I was in jail for four days.

And

that is kind of a funny way to knock it out of jail.

He goes, yeah, I got your, I got Graham K here.

And he goes, I don't know Graham.

I know Bert.

Yeah.

And he goes, excuse me.

Yeah.

He goes, well, I'm Ernie.

That's Bert.

And he goes, excuse me, sir, are you fucking with me?

Like in New York and NYBD be like, who the fuck are you to tell me you a fucking, what are you, Bert and Ernie?

I know Bert.

I like, full disclosure, I do this story.

I have a show.

He has an incredible one-man show about his brother with autism.

About being the only like sibling of an autistic child, like kid.

And, you know,

are you still doing the one-man show?

Are you still doing it?

Yeah, yeah.

I think we're going to do it at Soho Playhouse.

Go buy tickets.

I'm telling you right now, he did it at fringe.

He's taking the show every day.

Three five-star reviews at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

If you've done the fringe, you know how fucking impossible that is to get a one five-star.

I got a four-star, and

I've been coasting off it since 2019.

But I'm saying a three five-star review at Fringe is fucking ginormous.

Yeah.

But anyway, just full disclosure, I'm doing a bit right now.

Well, you're telling us the bit, which that's he's like,

like

why I know he did that is because when I got out and there was like a voicemail on my on my phone because they take away your phone, right?

Yeah.

And it's my brother, because my brother was, because I guess they go, this is Central Booking in New York City.

Do you know a Graham K?

My brother was like, no, I know a Bert.

And I know my brother said that because when I got out, there's a voicemail going, hey, Bert, Ernie here.

A man from Central Park called in New York City.

That's where they filmed Home Alone 2.

Okay, bye.

That's great.

And you go, if you're not in trouble, what a fun voicemail.

If you're getting out of jail, not a fun voicemail.

I was like, you fucked me, Ernie.

That's so funny.

You got me good, pal.

Yeah.

Tell them it's Oscar the grouch.

You let them know that Oscar's a little mad about it.

There's just a room with 20 guys, one toilet, no beds.

Oh, and four days.

Yeah, peanut butter numbers on the walls.

But that's what happens.

They're not sending their best.

Oh, was I telling the story?

Oh, yeah.

So I was supposed to be,

my green card was supposed to overlap, but then Trump got elected.

And even though it was expunged because it's just a misdemeanor and it was like thrown out or whatever, but it still I got arrested.

So my green card, even though I got approved and it was supposed to be in the mail, Trump said, you got elected.

And he was like, put a stop on all green cards from people that have been arrested.

Sure.

So I had to immediately, I was about to, I was going to move from LA to New York.

Yeah.

I'd been in LA for two years.

I wanted to move back to New York because I started here.

I love it here.

You're in the scene here.

Yeah, I just, I like a walkable city mostly.

And so I had a car and I was going to, I had a tour and I was going to crisscross across America.

And

I was going to open for Nate.

I was going to open for Gary Goleman and do a couple of festivals along the way.

And I immediately got kicked out of America.

and had to go back to Ottawa, play cards with Dave and Constance, my parents, and I had to sell everything I owned over the phone,

cancel the tour, sell my car over the phone, and I just had like literally like the, everything I could grab, like clothes and shit.

And

then I.

So they were like, get out right now.

Yeah.

And yeah, yeah.

And then my lawyer was like, you have to get out.

And so I'm and wait for it to be resolved.

And then finally they were like, you can plead your case to the American Consulate in Montreal.

You have to go to the American Consulate in Montreal.

So, and luckily, it's only a two-hour drive from Ottawa, so I can go in a day.

If I lived in Vancouver, I would have to, that's like Seattle to like, I would have to fly across country.

But you don't think they would have given you like a consulate and like

they, because there's only one office, really?

Yeah, it was weird.

And so I, I went to Montreal, booked the appointment, and

luckily, the late, and you have to, you have to like, I had the sheet of paper still that said it was expunged.

And I luckily, and so I had to verbally plead my case to a lady behind, like, a lady behind DMV glass.

Like, DMV glass.

And luckily, hey, what you said earlier, good at interviews.

Luckily, she was black.

Okay.

And I was like, I didn't do anything, and the cops beat me up.

And she was like, oh, you got picked up.

Okay, no problem.

Because in her world, the cops can just make you disappear.

Yeah.

And it's not your fault.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I could have gone another way, though.

She could have been like, oh, so you don't like it when they do a dual white motherfucker.

And you're like, oh.

Well, I don't.

I'm white.

Yeah.

You go, yeah, I understand that.

I'm just saying, I feel your pain.

Yeah.

So you do this a lot.

You're doing Wakanda forever.

She goes, please stop doing Wakanda forever.

You go, so you want to let me back in?

Come on, Joe, Turkey.

Say, hey, hey, bring me back in.

Let me into the U.S.

Say, hey, girlfriend.

You have awesome chipmunks.

You do what my mom does with older black women around.

You call her girlfriend.

You go, come on, girlfriend.

And she goes, I'm not bringing

you back in.

But did you, was there a moment when you were pleading your case that you kind of saw her be

I'm going to let him back in?

Did you see her like soften at all?

Yeah.

You did?

Yeah, I told her the whole story.

Or was it when she said that?

You know when so you can tell someone's telling the truth?

Yeah.

And it's like complete bullshit.

And it's like, they had a quota system back then.

They had a thing where like...

That's why they ended stopping frisk was because it ended up being like pretty clear guys were just doing it to get the amount of people.

There was whistleblowers and like cops would like record their like pre-seen.

There's overwhelmingly black teenagers for weed.

Yeah.

They were overwhelmingly being like, hey, you're a black kid.

Get over here.

Yeah.

And they're like, if you don't get your arrests up,

get the quota up.

If you don't get your arrests up, you're going to be working at McDonald's.

Do you want to work at McDonald's?

Arrest more people.

And so it was like the end of the month, and they're like, look, these dumb hipsters.

Fuck that.

Oh, man.

I bet that.

I bet.

They loved it.

Slamming me.

There was that guy.

You did make that guy's day.

He probably skipped home.

He's like, Can I tell you a story?

So these fucking hipsters, they're all doodling, doodle, and doodle.

And I grabbed one of them, fucking bang right against the thing.

Balush.

Oh, yeah, yeah, 100%.

I got my vulgar together.

This fucking guy elbows me.

Turns out this guy's a fucking illegal immigrant.

Yeah.

And I get to fucking toss his ass back there.

Yeah.

That's wild.

Yeah.

And then I held him down and I kissed him.

And I kissed him.

I said, you know what?

You look like you're good at interior design.

You look a little gay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just enough to like it to him.

Yeah, it's not gay.

Soft kiss.

Yeah.

You're like half a chick.

Hey, you smell good.

You dress wonderful.

If you were black, I wouldn't notice.

I'm only half hot.

There you go.

But

I remember the process of you leaving.

Yeah.

Because you really were like, hey, I can't live in America anymore.

I also got a Conan audition and it was illegal for me to do Conan.

So it was like time for me to go.

Like

I was, I didn't have the work paper.

So if I got it, I couldn't take Conan.

So I was like, oh, it's time for me to.

I was on a tourist visa the whole time.

I would cross the border every six months.

Sure.

And I would work at restaurants that paid paid by

they well, I would, I know I tried to get you hired at Dos Carinos.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

And they were like,

where's your social?

I was like, I don't have one.

But in an American accent, they're like, why?

Are you an alien?

Yeah.

You go, kind of, kind of, yeah.

There was a,

yeah, I remember that.

I was working at DOS and you're like, hey, because Demetrius, our friend Demetrius worked with us.

And you're like, yo, Demetrius and you guys, you guys both work at DOS.

Can you get me hired?

And I was like, yeah, I remember we were out having a beer.

And you go,

can they pay me under the table and i was like oh this place is so corporate no totally i was down there and you're like i got it i can't do that i could only i would only work at restaurants that were um going out of business and it was their last ditch was to not be able to like only hire people they couldn't pay yeah they're like so i just lived off i lived off tips for five years

And I got past at clubs that I couldn't get past that, but I had to turn down getting past when I found out they paid by check.

So I only could get past that clubs that paid in cash.

And it was just like becoming, I only planned on staying for a summer, but because I got a, cause I, I, I was like, oh, I, you know, I was doing, I was like traveling.

I worked in Budapest and I kind of got a late start.

I was like 25.

And I was like, well, if I do a, I got a summer job that paid under the table, working at a rich kid, like a rich kid's.

like Jewish summer camp, organizing the trips for them in the summer.

They would go abroad and stuff.

And it was only like the summer.

And I was like, a summer in New York doing comedy is like, you know, two years in Toronto or something.

So that was the plan.

But I immediately got fired for sending a kid to the wrong city in Italy.

What cities did you send him to?

I don't know.

It's like, I don't know.

That's so funny.

The thought of a Jewish kid getting there going, this ceasing to roam at all.

What are you doing?

This is no Maleska.

Why am I here?

Benji Gardenschwartz says that you sent him to the wrong thing.

He goes, But mom,

there's not supposed to be snowing in Rome.

That's so interesting.

Benji, you're in Turin.

You're not supposed to be in North Italy.

Yeah.

You're supposed to be in Southern Italy.

I like to think that Benji went on a nice little adventure because of me.

So funny.

Benji, if you see this, sorry about this, but man, you really started a comedy career.

You really launched your career.

I had enough money for my sublet, but not enough money for food.

So I was like, well, I got to find a job.

So

I went, I couldn't, no one would hire me at a restaurant so but I was like oh but I noticed there's always

there's like girl like Russian women at these restaurants I was like they don't have papers so I went to the gay neighborhood oh good job back in my day I was real peace telling you right now 25 year old Graham K

good Lord almighty you got hired you got picked right up in hell's kitchen they put me on the patio yeah they did yeah yeah they did a little twirl first they were like

they're like we don't care where you're from

they go hey you know what?

Last time I checked, you don't need a visa if you came from heaven.

That was how they hired you.

And you'll suck me dry.

And he goes,

there's no work visas for angels.

Go ahead.

And then you go, I don't have to fuck you, do I?

And they go, well, we'll see.

We'll see.

I'm trying to break you down.

They used to, the bartender used to be like, I'll give you $25 if you let me see your chest.

Did you do it?

Why?

I don't know.

I felt weird.

I felt weird.

It's your chest.

Don't be gay.

It's your chest.

You tell them not to be gay while doing gay stuff.

Don't be gay.

Don't be gay.

Show your chest to me.

That's so funny.

25 bucks for your chest?

I'll do 25 bucks for a chest right now.

I would do it now.

Yeah.

I was less secure.

I'll do it right away.

I was like, what if I'm half gay and this is a whole new thing?

You go, don't crack me open.

Yeah.

Don't you crack me open by showing my chest.

I'm just trying to figure out who I am.

I don't want to start over again.

Don't make me sit down nine times.

Yeah.

You'll sit down more than nine.

Yeah, buddy, you're going to need a donut when I'm done with you.

You are one of my oldest friends in comedy.

It's always been fun to hang out.

I love you, buddy.

I'm glad that you could come by and do the podcast.

Thank you for having me.

Are you promoting?

Was this on?

Yeah, this is the whole podcast.

Good.

Are you promoting the one-man show?

I don't have a theater yet, but

follow me on Instagram.

Yeah,

follow me on stuff because I will be promoting it on there.

It's a great one.

It's over a lot.

I have specials on YouTube.

Yeah, go on YouTube.

Follow everything that Graham does.

Give him a follow on Instagram.

Instagram.

That was my first one.

It was Instagram K.

But no one, everyone called me Greg or what the hell you're doing.

They called you Grant by accident.

Dude, whatever, man.

I'm half a truck.

It's tough being an immigrant, you know?

No one can say your name.

I'm half stupid, all right?

I got fucking problems.

Why don't you ever think about me?

Try to make it about me.

Why would you make it fuck about me?

Why don't I have fucking problems?

No, I love you to death.

I'm so glad you can come by and do this.

You're juggling a lot.

Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family.

And now you're thinking about grad school?

That's not crazy.

That's ambitious.

At American Public University, we respect the hustle and we're built for it.

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