62: Arrested Development with Mike Cannon | Soder Podcast | EP 60

Winnipeg, Canada, January 30th, the 31st, and February 1st.

I will be at rumors for five shows.

Go get tickets at danceotor.com.

And this time, leave your infectious diseases to yourself.

I try not to bring up the apocalypse too much on this podcast.

Yeah.

That's honestly, at first I don't know.

What would you do, though?

You're fucked.

Like, this is.

We live in the Blast Radius.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a joke that I say, but it's for real.

What, Indian Point?

Right here?

Yeah.

Do you know what about that?

Indian Point?

Because we learned about that in high school because we're at Rockland.

It's like 30, 40 miles away,

an active nuclear plant from here that is so untalked about.

Oh, I love this.

I love this.

Oh, dude.

Right there.

And in high school, they're like, so if Indian Point were to get hit, we are technically in the blast radius.

Well, there's also a theory, and I hope no terrorists are watching this, but

you terrorists at home, tune out.

Don't include include this in your plan.

Spoiler alert.

They said that if a nuclear warhead hit a, and again, this is something I learned online, so I don't know if it's true.

I have to start doing this on everything I say because I've realized I am just a child and I hear things and I go to real life.

It's like pre-Disney movies.

It's like, sorry about how we talked about Native Americans, but this is...

Those crows were real black and we didn't know.

We really were making those crows jive as fun.

My dad used to call me those crows in college because I dressed.

I wore Pele Pele Pele jeans and triple X Air Force, like long tees.

I thought if you did that now, no one would get the reference.

It's almost like a sneak disc.

If you can go, like, one of the crows in Disney?

What are their names?

The Crows on the Wire.

Not Heckle and Jekyll.

No.

We can look that up.

Yeah.

The Crows on the Wire.

Now I'm just getting caught up in some who gives a shit detail.

No, by the way, we're both potheads.

This is where we go.

What are you going to actually know stuff?

Crows on the Wire.

Yeah, wow.

Dandy, Jim Crow fats, Deacon, Dopey, and Specs.

It's the crows from Dumbo.

Yeah.

The lead crow, voiced by white actor Cliff Edwards, is in an imitation of a Southern African-American dialect.

Southern African-American dialect was named Jim Crow.

It's in Dumbo, dude.

So crazy that Dumbo.

Dumbo's got everything.

Fat shaming,

orphans,

Dumbo has.

Social icing out.

It's got everything.

It's got fat shaming, ear shaming, blacks, black crows.

Dude, yeah.

What's the dark theory of Dumbo?

Apparently, Dumbo is a product of biracial parentage, or within this

elephantine context, the result of a coupling between an Asian elephant and a male African elephant.

Damn.

Well, like Heinz Ward?

Which happened to have much bigger ears.

Hence, Dumbo's.

Dude, I didn't even know Dumbo.

I didn't even know the kind of, that's what that movie was about.

About biracial kids?

Oh, dude, I thought it was just be nice to fat kids.

Don't mix races or else you'll get big ears.

That's wild.

Do you want to have a freak elephant child?

The stuff that they were throwing us that was secondary, it's so funny how like my generation and your generation

were so dumb that we were just like, no, it's about elephants in the circus.

And they're like.

It's about biracial parents.

And you're like, oh, I had no idea.

I had to have that like drawn out for me.

That is wild, though.

Dude, it's so funny.

Your dad was just calling you racist crows.

Constantly.

My dad also called me Muslim instead of Muslim.

He'd just be like, you look Muslim.

I should have been like, En Salah.

I wish I did.

I wish I had like Photoshop back then because since people have like pulled up comparisons to Osama bin Laden and it's like spot on.

I look a lot like him.

I've mentioned this before on shows, but like

my facial structure.

So it doesn't look like it for me.

Is it like the way that Troy Aikman looks like Jay-Z?

Yeah, probably.

I mean, dude they look that's crazy I've never seen that's been on the internet that's not mine original that's all over the internet Troy Aikman's white Jay-Z

it's been for does kind of have like a Joe Camel look himself

what's another one Katie knows another one I think it's like Glenn Close

holy shit you have the same face as Osama bin Laden like spot on dude cheekbones

how do you not have a podcast called the cave

where you just sit Indian style on a pillow just with tapes stacked around too just watching tapes.

I do love that Osama bin Laden used to beat off to VHS tapes.

What is more relatable to that?

Get caught.

He was like, guys, shut the door.

I'm in the middle of something.

Well, CLT Sisky's busting in.

He's going, you're fighting.

I told you, I'm watching Splat on My Rack 2, starring the very hot Bianca Trump.

She's early 90s, before Vivid contracts.

Like, you know, when guys are two into porn and they know all that stuff?

Yeah.

It's actually pretty interesting.

She worked her way.

She was with Metro for a while.

I think this is the other one.

Gene Wilder.

No, no, no, no, no.

Gene Wilder and the guy from the bear.

Yes.

Type in Troy Aikman Jay-Z.

Because the comparison.

I'm putting it together in my head right now.

And it's like, it's actually

the photo, you'll.

It's crazy.

You won't be able to unsee it.

Dude, that's fucking, that is, that's like Jay-Z in the Chappelle whiteface makeup.

If you wanted to do it, hey, gas, what's going on?

And you go, you're not, that's not real.

When Eddie Murphy did that on SNL and got the paper for free, I was like, no.

Yeah, that was Jay-Z.

Jay-Z's got so much money, he dresses up as Troy Aikman.

Troy Aikman died.

Everyone knows this.

Troy Aikman died 20 years ago.

And Jay-Z's just been

calling.

He's just been calling games with Joe Buck the whole time.

You go, dude, Jay-Z in the booth.

Not only the rap booth,

but in the broadcast booth.

It really can pick apart a scheme.

It's unfucking believable.

You ever had Jay-Z break down a softcover two?

It's unbelievable.

Yeah, man.

It's It's like looking like

I said this on the on the last podcast, but I used to get called the fourth Manning brother.

There's like people when you look like it.

One time when I was waiting tables back when I was skinnier and younger, someone said I looked a little like Joaquin Phoenix.

Oh, yeah.

And I never saw that.

Damn.

But so you've been told Osama bin Laden.

Dude, I got another good one, too.

A basketball player that you would like.

Shit.

He was in Hido Turkaglu.

Turkalu.

Turkagalu.

Yeah, Turkalu

Kings.

Teardrop, like kind of lazy Eastern block eyes.

Shout out Guy Tory on a Shaquille O'Neal roast from like 20 years ago.

Guy Torrey had my favorite, the Malouf brothers, who owned the Kings, were at the roast, and Guy Torrey goes, Malouf Brothers is here.

Man, what's up with Turkalu?

God wanted to make, look like God wanted to make him retarded and changed his mind at the last minute.

And that joke has never left my brain.

I was into the NBA so much at that time that I was like, that's perfect.

That's like a perfect joke.

My gym teacher in high school, who had, was a lesbian, who had a crush on my now wife, used to like hit me with that to try to take away my self-esteem.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Your lesbian gym teacher

had a thing for your current wife.

Yeah.

I think so.

If you don't know, Mike Cannon grew up with his wife on and off, but they are like...

The most adorable story.

You're like a true.

No one has those stories anymore.

No, I don't.

Your grandfather took me to the dance in seventh grade, and then we were in love.

Now it's like, yeah, I was on an app called Slot Pigs, and

she said she could suck me without using any teeth.

Anyways, I put a baby in her, and that's why you're here.

You're like an old.

You call it cute, but no other comic has ever framed it that way, which is why I'm always on the defense of being like, no, man, it's cool.

You know, I've had other.

Ah, no, no, no.

I genuinely, I'm down with the nuclear family.

I keep looking at the camera like I'm Jim in the office.

But it is, it's,

I think it's adorable.

You like knew, you genuinely grew up with your wife.

Your wife knows you better than anybody.

Which is truly like the only reason I could, that's the only way I could marry somebody.

Like, I don't think I could meet somebody in my 30s and then be like, all right, I think I trust you enough.

Yeah.

Like, I think you know enough.

She's my dream girl.

Yeah.

And I'm barely like, is this real?

When are you going to leave me?

Yeah.

You're going to leave me.

I mean, to know that you would have hung on through puberty.

God, this podcast really is the opposite of the one where you go, look at the girls' t, whatever new stuff.

What grade did you guys meet?

Fifth.

We met literally.

I remember at, we were on the bus line, like to leave school.

And I remember seeing her Charlotte Hornets pullover star.

And I was just like, she had a pullover starter, Charlotte Tornet.

Yeah.

Whoever is cool enough to wear that as a girl at that point, I was like, pull the sword from the rock.

Immediately.

You are it.

I hear Dreamweaver in my head.

Oh, she will be mine.

It might take 26 years, but she will be mine.

Yeah.

I mean, dude,

you have a Winnie Cooper.

Yeah.

No one gets a Winnie Cooper.

No.

And it's so funny.

We grew up next door to each other's.

And, you know, so with that comes all like young fights and stuff like that.

So my parents, obviously, her parents had no.

no clue that we were going to work out.

No, you were, you were going to be the guy

that when your wife is dating a new guy that the parents hate, they can go like, how's Mike doing?

Yeah.

Did you ever talk to Mike?

I liked him.

See, opposite, though, is her mother married her neighbor growing up.

So my wife's father is her mom's neighbor.

Like they grew up next door to each other, but

they had a pretty rough divorce.

How far into it?

How old was it?

So my wife was like four.

Okay.

Maybe.

But like her mom, I remember, you know, I was just like, it's not going to work.

Adamantly would be like, I don't like the influence you are on my daughter.

She said, what do you to me in art class in 10th grade?

And I was like, I'm the only reason she's not getting dicked down by

what are you talking about.

She would have so much foreign and dark dick in her.

And her mom's like, what does that mean?

Her kids could have giant ears one day.

You know what?

Her kids could marry one of the crows from the wire.

She could marry one.

And you're like, what?

And you're like, it's something my dad does.

Never mind.

But wait, was her mom your teacher?

She was an art teacher.

I never had her directly for class, though, but we would like go there for like study hole and shit.

So you, you, you got the smoke from another teacher.

Yeah.

That wasn't even your teacher.

Not my teacher.

Did you, are you and your mother-in-law cool now?

We're awesome.

Like, she's the best.

There's any.

Once it worked out.

Once it worked out, once she saw that I wasn't, like, in high school, I also would have looked at me and been like, this is a problem.

You can't trust a man younger than 25.

No, and I was such a, just an out-of-control, like attention-seeking ass.

Even more, like, now I'm just, I'm more reserved and just like picking my spots about attention stuff.

Yeah.

But then I was like an unkinked hose, just fucking blasting my bullshit everywhere, trying to get kicked out of class while like, you know, impressing people.

I've been annoying since I was born.

Yeah.

Like, I get it.

You get, the less older you get, the less annoying you are.

People still can't watch this podcast because I want to chime in with my little voices and quips.

I get it.

I fucking get it.

But as you calm down, you really, it's like a dog.

Once you start getting those white circles around your eyes, people go like, I like him.

What a sweet.

Just put your head on people's laps instead of just running around the house being a fucking nightmare.

Yeah.

But I mean, that is, and your parents obviously love her.

They do, yeah.

I mean, they're like, my mom is more involved daily, I guess.

And my dad is kind of a periphery, still around and just very into the whole thing that it worked out.

But it's crazy that it did because that does not happen anymore.

No.

Because usually what happens is the guy fucks it up in late teens, early 20s by trying to go get other pussy.

Which is the best thing because we didn't date.

So we never dated in that time.

We were always dating other people.

And in that time, we'd come back and hook up.

So we were the things that broke up the other relationships.

And that's how you want it to be.

It's the best.

And your kids will grow up knowing like, all right, at least my parents actually liked each other.

Because there's a lot of parents that are mistakes.

And like the kids are like, I can tell you guys didn't want to be together.

I can tell you guys don't like each other.

Yeah.

That's got to suck even more.

I've always said, man, like,

my parents broke up when I was like five, but it's better than them forcing it until you're an adult.

That's what mine did.

Really?

My parents got a divorce when I was 20, I think.

And for either two or three years, my mother slept on the couch.

And I was, and I was living at home doing community college.

And you know,

of course you know, because behind muffled doors, it's like if Charlie Brown's mom was getting the shit kicked out of her,

and you're like, oh man, it's pretty bad.

Do you think Charlie Brown?

That's why they did the parents.

Were his parents abusive?

Is that why we never heard him talk?

Oh, shit.

They were like, you bald little fag.

That's what he's saying.

They're like, kill yourself, Charlie.

The wrong boy, dad.

You don't even know.

That's why he's so into Snoopy.

They got him Snoopy because his older brother got hit by a car.

Wow, wow, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, dude.

I think like having parents that secretly hate each other,

it does more damage than people who are just like out in the open and they're like, fuck your dad.

Because I grew up with my mom, double fingers like Pac in that Red Wings jersey.

My mom was spitting at my dad every time.

She was like, fuck him.

But I knew where she stood.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's why it was kind of nicer when she died.

When he died, she was like.

I'll be cool about it.

She's dead.

I don't want to speak ill of the dead.

Yeah.

But growing up, a lot of heat towards him.

And I liked it because when I would go to my friends' houses whose parents didn't like each other, I felt crazy.

Yes.

Because I would notice it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, do your parents fucking hate each other?

And they're like, no, they're married.

Stop it.

And you're like, I don't think they should be.

I was under the impression that everybody's mom would just like get out of the car in traffic in a highway and start like walking down on the side of the street.

I was like, that's not a problem.

Come on.

Your dad driving next to it.

Get in.

Tapping on the door.

Like, come on, Kate.

Get in.

Get in.

It's fucking.

You're going to get killed.

The kids are crying.

That's so.

Do you have siblings?

I have two sisters.

So an older sister and a younger sister.

Did they wait until the youngest one was out of the house to get divorced?

No, they waited.

No, because I was still living in the house.

Then I left.

Then they officially got divorced.

And my younger sister was stuck.

So she was still like kind of, she also, to save them money, both my sister and I went to community college to try to, you know, basically my dad was a part of that 08 collapse.

He was a stockbroker.

So went down to zero.

My sister, my older sister, all of her collegiate dreams came true.

That's so funny.

The house of cards came tumbling down.

Indiana Jones did as it closed.

She was like, well, good luck.

Turns out dad was investing in BlackRock.

Dude,

there's nothing more depressing than picking up my sister from Indiana University.

Go to

the most beautiful campus ever.

Just picturesque.

Exactly what you assume college is.

I've only heard, I've only heard how fun it is.

Right.

It's a party school.

That's also a good school.

Yeah.

And big sports.

All I wanted to do was either play sports or go to a big sports school.

If you'd have been in a Big Ten basketball school,

I would have been their

videographer.

Like, I would have definitely tried to do like an Eric Spolstra route.

You would have gotten drunk and watched Hoosiers and cry.

All the time.

That would have been like your movie.

All the time.

Oh, my God.

You'd make your wife and your kids go back to fucking, what is it, Fort Wayne, Indiana?

Yeah.

Oh, what a dump.

Or no, Bloomington.

Bloomington.

I apologize.

I'm sorry, Indiana.

But also, come on, you're Indiana.

Indianapolis is a tough hang.

I've never even been back.

California, 2025, the end of February.

San Diego, February 28th.

Los Angeles, March 1st.

And San Francisco, March 2nd.

Get tickets on sale now.

dansodor.com.

I will see you in 2025.

And then other cities, don't worry.

We're coming.

We're putting it all together.

But California, you're up first on this theater tour.

I'm very excited about this.

Again, February 28th, I'll see you in San Diego.

March 1st, Los Angeles, and March 2nd, San Francisco.

Danceutter.com for tickets.

Please buy them.

And I'll see you then.

But

so you couldn't.

So your older sister goes to Indiana.

Lives all the collegiate dreams.

Yeah.

How much older is she than you?

Four years.

Oh, my God.

So she literally experiences the moment.

she graduated a year early, too.

So she got out and then the money was gone.

What year did you graduate high school?

03.

Oh, shit.

So that would have been like, you were leading the, oh, my God.

Dude, we were driving to pick her up when they were playing Duke in March Madness, when Jay Williams missed that free throw and they ended up winning.

And they were like, my dad and I pulled onto campus and they're just like flipping cars doing all this shit.

I was lucky enough that I went to Arizona when we still had Lud Olson and we were like, I mean, we're still a good team, but we were like number one one and number two battle we lost a Duke my senior year high school we lost a Duke in the finals and so my whole college life was like oh when are we gonna win a championship we didn't yeah and you always had the most talented roster that always unbelievable you're like the Portland Trailblazers it was unbelievable

dude my senior year we had fucking uh slim stotemire andre gadala hasan adams channing fry luke No, Luke Walton was two years older than me.

It was like crazy RT.

Channing Fry looks like Carl from The Simpsons.

He really does.

So it's very Homer.

The furrowed giant foreheads.

He's like, it was crazy because that was when I realized athletes are dorks.

Not all of them.

Sure.

The ones that are cool are the ones that stand out.

Yeah, yeah.

But most of them give their lives to this thing.

Totally.

Just in the gym all the time.

Yeah.

And also like strategic nerds, too, where they're like studying somebody's tendencies, what they do on the court, all that shit.

When you hear about like guys in the NBA, NBA, especially now, like even LeBron, where he's basically an uneducated guy, went to high school, graduated, whatever, but is, according to everybody else, genius level at picking apart offenses, tendencies, all that stuff.

And you're like, oh, this is, this is something else.

I had a professor at Arizona that talked about how difficult it was trying to teach Gilbert Arenas.

I watch his podcast every week because his breakdown of the NBA is so good.

Yeah.

He's like a genius when it comes to NBA shit.

Like, he broke down the Lakers Nuggets series in the first round of last year's playoffs.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, this is exactly what's happening.

But you're like, yeah, because

it's like the way CrossFit people.

People think they're dumb, but you're like, do you know how much science they know?

Because they're like about proteins and what bonds to your muscles and what doesn't.

You can go in there and they'll give you a biology lesson that you're like, I have no fucking clue.

That's what it did.

It's also like, it's almost like Black Goodwill Hunting, where like the white version is tolerated so much more, like the roughneck, but super intelligent than Gilbert Arenas is putting guns on.

I mean, Gilbert Arenas is

first off.

He's very funny.

Yeah.

That's why I've always loved him.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll always get me if you're very funny, but I loved him through Agent Zero.

I missed him by a year at Arizona, but I've always been like, he's a wildcat dude.

He's ours.

I might.

Straight up buy a Gilbert Arenas Arizona jersey after this conversation.

You should.

Because I fucking love that.

I bet his son goes there.

I don't know, but he's the man.

And his podcast, I like watching guys like him have a podcast because because you're like, your NBA, here's my theory about broadcasters.

This is why I don't think Brady will ever be good is because the good broadcasters are the guys that got near the top, but not to the top.

Yeah, yeah.

So like

everyone compares Tom Brady to Greg Olson is unbelievable at calling games for Fox.

Brady took a spot and everyone was kind of like hot.

They're like, why is it Greg Olson still calls games for Fox, but it's the B team.

But then you watch his games and you're like, oh, he's like awesome.

Yeah.

Like how he breaks it down.

Tony Romo was similar.

He was good for a while because he never got.

Brady's the fucking man.

Brady's the greatest of all time.

So it's like weird for him to talk about it because he's like, and then,

you know, you're just the best.

And everyone's like, why?

Explain to me how you got there.

He goes, you just do it.

You're just like unbelievable.

I do like how some of his sociopathy is coming out, though.

Like with Baker Mayfield yesterday where he's like, yeah, people were stressed out.

I came in kind of inject a little bit of joy.

and Tom Brady's like, if I want a joy, I'll take my kiss to the fucking Disney World.

Yeah, you go, Tom, that's not good.

Tom, touch, Tom, Tom, Tom.

Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

Let go.

Let go.

Let go.

Let go.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

That's what it is.

You're like, ow, ow, ow, ow.

He's like,

if I ever wanted to fucking win, fun, we're not here to have fun.

It's war.

And you're like, no, technically, it's a game.

Technically, it's a game.

It's not war.

Not at all.

Could have gone.

But by the way.

There's no doubt that Tom Brady would have been a successful war general.

Tom Brady would have been the greatest in whatever he did because of that.

It's also interesting because now we're starting to see that psychopaths,

we've liked psychopaths for so long and just misdiagnosed them as being great.

And then you're like, well, he's kind of like Jordan is the greatest of all time.

His Hall of Fame speech is a lesson in who not to be.

He's just there, they're being like, you're the greatest of all time.

He's like, yo, fuck Byron Russell.

I'll go, or whoever it was that put him in chat.

He's like, I'll go one-on-one with you right now.

And you're like, you're at your Hall of Fame.

Did you see the 75th, a top 75 player thing where, like, somebody, Magic Johnson, like, you know, just joking around.

It's like, ah, let's go lace him up.

And Jordan's like, I'll fucking, I'll play right this second.

Yeah.

And everybody's like, they were serious.

It's like when your friend, when you try to wrestle with your friend and they get too into it, you go, whoa, hey, we're fucking around, dude.

But it's like, that's very interesting because that whole idea of like a psycho, like that Nike commercial with Willem Dafoe doing the voiceover yes and it's like what I want to win I want to win more than you and you go cool commercial shitty idea yeah because you're just saying you'll do whatever it takes to win you're a villain exactly kind of a cunt

leave some of your humanity like I and this is probably why I'll always just stay right in the middle but I'm I'm kind of okay with that if I'm gonna still be a human right yeah like I don't know

When I was a kid, I felt like such a pussy where they're like, you got to step on his neck, cut his throat.

You're like, I live down the street from this guy.

Yeah.

Fuck him.

Fuck his parents.

And you're like, can I make him laugh?

Then we have fun together.

Look how much fun we're having.

But like that mentality with comedians is so

gay.

It's

the height of gay.

Like

this idea and not cool gay, like we're fucking each other in the butt.

No, no, yeah.

And doing poppers.

that's cool gay that is very cool oh I'm gonna you're gonna we're gonna have joyful sex and then do drugs together take a deep breath and then open sesame on my asshole

yeah oh cool yeah they play open sesame all the time and you guys are mad at them but it's like uh that idea of like

I'm gonna dominate I'm gonna dominate being a silly boy.

And you're like, all right, dude.

All right, dude.

That's why I've never liked the really famous comedians when they come around the cellar and they have that like, what are you doing for greatness?

You go, I love this shit.

I'm going to try to be the best comedian I can be.

Outside of that, I just want to be a decent human.

Of course.

Well, and it's also those guys that like vocally say how much they love comedians and the community of comedy and all this stuff.

But if you aren't their level or their friend or somebody they came up with, you don't exist.

You're a piece of shit, a barnacle on their shoe.

Get the fuck out of this club.

When you're editing this podcast, replay that 10 times so people in the back can hear you.

Because how many times guys that I have grown up absolutely idolizing, and then you see them and you go, oh, you suck.

You like, like Seinfeld sucks.

He sucks.

That's exactly what I had in my head when I was saying that.

He sucks.

Greatest TV show of all time.

Some of the greatest stand-up ever done.

Yeah.

Miss me with all the rest.

Yeah, all that other bullshit where it's like you don't like comedians.

You don't.

You like your friends, which is fine.

It's just horrible.

And you like famous people.

Yeah.

And you want to relate to famous people because you've been alone because you've been so famous.

Larry David is the guy.

Yes.

I agree.

And I also, but in a world of Jerry's, be Larry.

But it's always those guys too.

Like, if I bumped into a comic at an airport, we immediately have something to talk about.

It's like you literally would mush my face out of the way to talk to a fan.

I would say Jerry Seinfeld's comedian documentary was one of the most single most important parts of my life deciding I was going to be a stand-up.

Totally.

I loved watching him and Colin and George Wallish talk.

I was obsessed with him.

I idolized that Jerry Seinfeld.

Yes.

The one I met standing outside of stand-up New York in 2007.

Fucking hit him with a bus.

I don't give a fuck.

He just walked up and I wasn't obnoxious.

Standing outside smoking a cigarette.

There was no one at the club.

And I'm like, hey, Jerry, I'm a young comic.

I just moved to New York.

And he went like that.

And you're like,

you can't even go, hey, good luck, man.

This is a fucking wild ride.

It's all it takes.

And similar to me, I think I followed him at Comedy Juice or something.

And, you know, the obligatory good set or whatever.

I didn't even really care for what he was doing up there.

Oh, you're doing a pop-tart joke?

He literally opened with like, oh, this is new, like blah, blah, blah.

And then he did bits that I heard like years ago.

And I was like, I guess keep them on their toes.

But he

basically, I was like, oh, a good set.

And he stepped on my foot with his Nike shock.

That's what it hurts so much.

Oh, oh, but those are cool sneaks like the show.

Oh, so you really do care about sneakers.

Oh, that wasn't just on the show.

Oh, oh, fuck.

I think you broke my big toe.

Okay.

I mean, the thing is, is like, I think we need to start doing that with celebrities in general.

And start going, like, you're a regular person, which means you have faults, which means I'm not fucking idolizing you.

100%.

Because

this is clearly my own psychology, but like, I grew up with a dad that was gone that didn't want anything to do with me.

So in my mind, he was like Superman.

Like, oh, how do I get him back?

Right.

When in therapy, I realized that, it made me not give a shit about Jerry Seinfeld, Louis C.K., Chris Rock.

I went just like, oh, these are just like guys.

Yeah.

They did great shit, but like.

I mean, you're doing for me right now what you learned in therapy because I've never put that together.

Like why I idolized my father or because he wasn't around all the time.

And I just like, I'd get like sliver or glimpses of greatness.

Yeah.

Funniest guy socially, having a great time, like all that stuff.

So smart, really gregarious.

All the people at his work really looked up to him.

Gravitational pull on people.

And then would be like,

deuces, I'm going to go play golf for nine hours on the only day I have off.

Oh, you have a birthday?

I'm going to miss it.

But then I'm going to blame the post office.

And then he dies and you're like, oh, fuck, I kind of got ripped off.

But I used to do this thing where like,

dude, I used to like, when my heroes would come into the cellar,

it makes my penis crawl into my body.

How I think about how I used to be like,

oh, wow, do you remember when you did this?

One time I got drunk with Chappelle in like 2012, and I just like was telling him bits that he never did to the point where he was like, Man, you, I think you know my egg better than I do.

And I was like, I love you, I love you.

But now I can't stand to be around him.

Yeah.

Because he's just around a people of yes men.

So he comes in and you see him and and you go like

we're in vegas for skank fest

and me and ari shafir and um adam egot and ran as easy went and gambled we were watching the giants cowboys game yeah sit down at a table there's these two guys from ohio one of them's like an older guy and one of them's like a young guy both hammered and we know they're hammered yeah Young guy loses his money.

He's out.

Old guy loses, stays there.

She just keeps going to Ari because, you know, Ari's got the half hair.

Keeps going, who is this guy?

And he's like, He's our friend.

He's like, I need to get a picture.

I'm on my phone.

Who's got our phone?

We're all going, We don't have our phones.

Rain is easy.

He says he doesn't have his phone and then literally goes

and starts texting.

It was wild.

This guy got so drunk that we were playing blackjack while they were going.

He was like slapping.

Like, I would get like a jack, and he'd be like, Come on, give him a blackjack.

And he was slapping his hands to the dealer.

You have to stop doing that.

You have to stop doing that.

And it made me go, This is my dad if he is alive.

Like, this is my dad if he's alive.

Yeah.

Like, this guy fucking sucks.

This would be my dad.

He would be drunk thinking he was being charming.

Totally.

He was slamming his hand on the fucking table.

He was like grabbing me and shit.

Where at one point I went, don't fucking touch me like that.

He's like,

New Yorkers on.

You're like, I'm from Colorado.

I'm very pleasant.

I live in New York.

You just don't fucking grab people by their arm when you don't know them.

But that idea of like framing it like that and being like, you're my dad if he's alive.

Yeah.

I'm glad he's dead.

That's what I said when I walked away.

I go, God, that really made me happy.

My father's dead.

And Egot was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

I'm really sorry.

I made all these connections on my head.

Sorry, bud.

I was doing some solving.

But I think like a lot of the times, especially with celebrities, is they are like these like stand-ins

for your parents when they suck.

I think that's actually, you just brought up a good point where I think that's how I was with agents.

Like I saw agents with an authority and this ability

that they don't like, they're so good at talking and they're they're very like they they control the business they do before you know anything about it.

And I was like, oh, that's my dad.

Yeah, but then you meet your dad.

You're like, my dad's like a pump and dunk stockbroker that his partner got carried out by the FBI last year.

What am I fucking thinking?

Because I think it's easier.

I think it's easier to project things onto other people than to like see who people really are.

Yeah.

And that's why like your wife and you, you guys have gone through so many different versions of yourself that she knows who you are.

she's seen all the different ones truly yeah i mean and just in terms of like comedy being able to say whatever the fuck i want like she's literally known me since i was a 10 year old boy yeah so i was saying flagrant crazy shit all the time and just like before even knowing that it was crazy yeah just being outraged i told like she was in my ninth grade history class when i told our brand new like 25 year old teacher that her butt shakes when she writes on the on the board damn dude that fucked her up.

I saw her like three three months ago, that teacher, and she was like, she's like, like, yeah, I remember your class.

She was very kind and being like,

back in the 90s, I was upset I didn't have big fat tits.

And now look at me, I had a jiggly mudon.

That's awesome.

Yeah, that's so funny.

She goes, and my big fat tits are still here.

Yeah, dude, I think it really, it makes me feel less crazy when those things happen.

Like, I don't have anything personal against any of the people I was just saying that.

I don't have a personal thing against Jerry Seinfeld at all.

If anything, I would thank him for all the stuff he's made.

Because when I am sick, I love putting on Seinfeld.

It's my favorite show.

It warms my heart.

Well, and ideal shadowers are actually just as important to your life as actual heroes.

So it's like, if you can get reality from that, like if this guy isn't what you built him up to be and you run into him in real life, you're like, wow, thank you for this gift.

I no longer have to idolize strangers.

Well, now I'm watching my friends get idolized.

I'm watching Naked idolized.

I'm watching Shane get idolized.

And it's like,

watching.

What is that like to watch Shane Shane have little creations?

Like, not like people that are doing Shane on stage.

Which are a lot.

A lot.

A tremendous amount.

But

I think that's just a part of comedy.

I think when I started, everyone was doing Dane Cook.

When I moved to New York, everyone was doing Dave Atel.

I think even Shane admits he was doing Louie for a long time.

You know, like I was doing Burr for like 07 to 09 when you're just like trying to figure it out.

Totally.

So I think that's like part of comedy is if when you have an impact, there's ripples.

When you drop a big enough rock into a pond, it's going to spread.

I think like,

I think there's, there's something important in telling people they're doing Shane because I think that's important.

Like I remember watching people be told they were doing a tell.

Yeah.

And then you watch it.

Dude, Nate, literally, one time I got off stage and he goes, you're doing Burr.

And I like listened to the set and I was like, he's right.

I got to talk more like myself.

And then you just kind of guide yourself.

So you stop watching that.

You get away away from it.

Shane's also the best.

So like, of course, people are going to mimic the best because, you know, he's doing it.

But there was a,

I did a show in Chicago, and there was a really funny young comic.

And he was doing the double hands thing.

Now, double hands thing could be a tell,

but more modern, it is Shane.

Totally.

With the handoff, back in, shrug, the.

I've seen a fair amount of belly rubs as well.

Or, you know, Nate started the Admiral.

Yeah.

The Admiral.

Nate, and full credit, Nate started the Admiral, and then Shane self-admittedly, we all started doing it.

Because you look at it, because stand-up is about writing jokes, but it's also learning what to do with your fucking hand.

100%.

Dude, I can't just...

Dude, there's no other time that I feel...

Wavy.

Hey, anyways.

Do you feel insecure whenever you feel your arm be almost like down out of yourself?

I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

I want to move, and I hate putting my hand in my pocket.

I used to put my hand in my back pocket, like I'm being a little sexy.

A little teapot.

A little T-pop pull me over and pour me out.

I know this shit's boring, but it's true.

It's like trying to figure that out.

So when you see a guy like Shane had the double mic thing, well, now his hands are taken care of.

And it was a good delivery service of like

joke and joke.

So I did a show in Chicago and this super funny comic.

God, guy had, I think his name, I don't want to fuck his name up, but his name's Joe.

After I was like, dude, you're fucking super funny.

You're doing the Shane hand thing.

And he was like, I know, I love Shane.

And I was like, I know everybody does.

But you're just like, like,

I'm not telling you, like, yo, you're ripping him off.

I'm just saying, like, watch out for it.

Right, right.

And he was not upset about it.

He was like, dude, thank you.

Yeah.

Because I don't think there's this weird thing where people don't want to tell each other the truth.

They don't want to go, you're doing like right to the point.

Yeah.

Because if you're right to the point, people are like, you're a dickhead.

Maybe Seinfeld's just right to the point.

Yeah, maybe.

That's his favorite.

You're in my way.

Make right-butter jokes.

And you're like, okay.

You're right.

You got a hair transplant and you're not talking about it.

I think that's weird.

As a guy with hair tits, I think you got to talk about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's like when celebrities show up with fucking tinier foreheads, maybe say something.

Get right to the point.

But do you feel like with your, like the, you have two kids now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

With the amount of podcasts and stand-ups you've done, are you worried for the day that your son discovers all the podcasts you've been on?

I'm almost like, I'll be impressed if he does.

Like at this point, I've I've done so many.

There's so much shit of me out there that, like, if he's actually interested in combing through that stuff, I'll be like, wow, did I do a good job parenting?

I'll tell you what, if you die,

he will listen to every.

If my dad was on a podcast, that didn't consider that one.

If I found a podcast from the 70s of my dad being like, that Coke was great last night,

I'd be playing fucking college football being like, damn, my dad was fucking partying.

I'm looking forward to that, though, a little bit, because I have no authentic glimpse at my own father.

Like, I have no real, like, what he was like.

Even his brothers are like, can't tell you that.

It's like, that's his whole life.

Please, dude.

Yeah.

I was like, I'm 39.

I would love to hear about it.

Please tell me.

I'm entering my 40s and I have two children.

You could tell me that my dad fingered a lady at fucking a drive-in movie theater.

Yeah.

It's not going to blow my mind.

Not at all.

I mean, we talked about it on this podcast, but I found a letter my dad wrote to my grandma, pussywhipped.

He was like, straight up pussywhipped.

Like you read the letter and you're like, he's like 25 in it.

And you're like, yeah, I'm 41 now.

I look back.

I'm like, that's a kid.

I know that thought.

I'm not making fun of, I mean, I'm making fun of my dad, but I'm also like, I've never got to have a moment where like, oh yeah, you were a guy.

You were a guy like me.

Yeah.

And you, you got married young and had a baby and then you got out of that and you got like new pussy and you were talking about it.

The way 25-year-old boys talk about getting a new pussy.

You're like, it's the best.

She does stuff the last one didn't even think about doing.

That's love.

And you go, nah, nah, nah, in a pussy way.

Because they didn't have any authentic, like you said, you couldn't really get the authentic thing where like, I'm not having kids, but

whatever one of my friends' kids that I'm close with, if they were to watch on my podcast, they'd be like, I have a pretty good idea who Dan was.

Yeah.

I mean, that's it.

Maybe it's almost a reaction.

It is definitely a reaction to my father never filling me in on anything.

But I've also held him in such high regard that turned out to be false where it's like, oh, at least now if my son likes me,

he'll know who I am through and through.

Well, I think that's also like kind of an ongoing

theme with your relationships is that like you have these relationships where people actually know you.

Yeah, yeah.

That's where it gets dangerous.

It's like when you have a lot of relationships with people that they don't really know you, they start thinking, they start treating you like you're one thing when you're like, well, I'm not even that.

That's why it's got to feel crazy to be that famous because everyone's just like, no, this is who you are in my mind.

Totally.

I mean, I almost feel that way still, even to this day, because I'm so, I have so much social anxiety that has just kind of popped up over the last few years but I feel that way with people that I've known for years in comedy where it's like oh they've seen glimpses of who I am but they don't really know who I am oh yeah I would say that's probably most people in any work environment yeah I think outside it's not just comedy I think if you work at an office or whatever there's moments where people see probably the real you but have no idea it's like going to someone's house yeah you're like oh this is where you live this is what it smells like oh i didn't know you collected barbies that's weird you know what i mean like i'm sure there's people if they saw this bookcase who knew me, they'd be like, so you're just stunted, just arrested development.

And you're like, oh, 100%.

I like knickknacks and toys and books.

And I'm a giant child.

And I'm emotionally 14.

Knickknacks fucking rule, though.

Yeah.

My son's a big knickknack kid.

Love it.

He just collects.

That's his whole life.

That's what I was like.

We cleaned out my grandma's townhouse, but

I'm upset I didn't take it because it got trashed.

I'm actually genuinely upset I didn't grab it.

There was an Energizer bunny that they used to sell like Christmas at 88.

Yeah, and it was like when the Energizer bunny first came out and I had it and I put it on my grandma's bookcase when I was little and it stayed there.

I mean until they cleared it out.

Decades.

And I wish I would have grabbed it.

On the last trip I left it.

I was like, I'm going to leave this little piece here.

But now I'm like, I should have put it on the bookcase because I loved knickknacks like your son.

Yeah, yeah.

You just like have little things and you're like, oh, I like this.

And it's also like, I mean, it seems like you're this exact way, but I hold everything that I loved as a child in such high regard still.

There's nothing that could make me break up with it.

Like the movie Rad is an 80s BMX movie that I literally named my first son after.

That's how much I love the things I love.

You named your kid after Rad?

Crew.

Yeah.

That's my son's name.

Yeah, I named him after the lead character.

That's not even the guy's name in the movie.

That's his nickname.

His name is Christopher.

That's so funny.

And they go, what about Chris Regum?

Not Crew.

Yeah, Crew.

No, dude, that's just fun.

No, that people think I named it after Chrissy Dean.

That's so funny.

You go,

host you were on our podcast.

Yeah, that's like,

I mean, dude, that's hilarious.

Yeah, I named my son after the rollerblading movie Airborne.

His name's Devil's Backbone.

That was the course.

But it was a big movie for him.

But I really do.

I think there's like,

I think there's a part of that.

Do you remember when you were growing up in the people that you knew that were too quick to become adults?

Yeah.

Like where they were like 12 wearing cologne.

Yes.

Yeah.

What the fuck are you doing?

12 years old wearing cologne.

But I feel like those.

I idolize those people though, because I don't know.

I've always looked for people that look like they have it figured out because I'm

in shambles at all times.

I think that's, that's, that's the reason that cult leaders,

tent preachers,

business CEOs, that's like, did he got his power?

Cause did he act like he knew what he was doing?

100%.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No one knows what they're doing.

No.

I remember this kid, Chris Walsh that I grew up with, went through puberty when he was like eight.

Yeah.

And he was the best athlete far and wide in my town for like, I mean, almost a solid decade, like 10 years.

But he's still like, I would assume, I haven't seen him in adulthood, but he stayed, stopped growing at like 15.

Oh my God.

He's like 5'7, 5'8 for the rest of his life.

But I was always just so, I'm like, you're my fucking idol, dude.

The way you play middle school baseball is unbelievable.

I remember like, I remember that feeling of being like middle school, high school, and seeing a guy like confident in himself and wear like a hat or something, you go, this guy has no problems in the world.

Rolls off him like a fucking water off a duck's back.

I also had no pubes until ninth grade.

So I think that was a big thing.

I didn't grow until my junior year.

I was like small until my junior year.

I was like gangly with a big head.

I look like a bobblehead dog.

I used to

stand next to my window in my room and like pull my pants down to find pubes.

That's so cool.

Like in the sunlight, because it would glisten and the contrast would be a bit more.

Shout out

Nick Myers and Jason Poyle.

We were in like seventh or eighth grade and they were like bragging about getting pubes.

And we were like going to a girl's house and I had to lie.

I was like, oh, yeah, I got a couple.

And they're like, I'm like,

we got to go.

We got to go.

I'm going to run away.

Because you were like, oh, fuck.

Yeah, fuck.

You don't realize how important that is.

But then also now, now that we're, you know, I'm in my 40s and you're reaching there, it's like, you just want to go back to that kid and go, to just enjoy being 11 and 12.

Like,

soak it up, dude.

Yep.

Because it ends

so fast, but you don't realize it because it feels forever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it's still like, I feel like every moment of my life, I've been like

really reaching for the next level.

But every single, and I still, even at this age, have not learned to relax and enjoy and remain.

You sit back and you go, like,

you know how everyone goes, oh, if I went back to high school, I'd get so much pussy.

Or like, if I went back to high school, it's like, well, yeah, with your adult brain, because you'd be confident.

You would be like, oh, I don't need this.

This is all stupid.

Right.

But don't tell me you would kill it in high school.

You have to do homework again.

You have to go to classes and take notes.

You're not killing it.

You'd be like, fuck this shit.

With your adult brain?

Yeah.

With your adult brain.

Dude, I woke up this morning.

I could smoke a bowl if I felt like it.

I woke up.

I can just rub a lady's butt.

I'm marrying a lady.

I can rub her butt.

I can rub her butt as long as I want.

That is pretty cool to have a butt to rub on demand.

Just wake up and go, I'm butt rubbing rubbing this morning.

Just magic a ball start to your dad.

I'll make a coffee.

I'll smoke weed.

I'll blow everything off.

Play college football for three hours.

I'll get in trouble, but I'll fucking do it.

Like fucking do it.

But then like, I remember so many times being like, if I go back to high school, it would, the idea is great.

Yeah, yeah.

But what you're, I think, whenever I would say that, I would be saying that

because

I know myself better.

Yeah.

And I was so like,

when I was even in my 20s, like you're talking about dating your wife and having that break between late teens early 20s dude when I moved here and I was doing stand-up I if I were Louie or Bill Bird Seinfeld I wouldn't want to talk to me either no me just standing outside yeah yeah Patrice used to say that all the time yeah when young comics would be outside be like don't I don't want your fucking weird young comic energy.

And you're like, oh, no, he was right.

Yeah.

I mean, I still, it is funny because I'm faced with myself all the time.

Yeah.

As are you.

It's just young comics that are like, especially at Skank Fest where they're like, oh my God, like, you know, and I love talking about it.

It's awesome.

I love talking about it because I still love comedy the same as I did.

And it's also like fun to talk to a young comic to be like, ah, it's all bullshit.

Don't worry about this.

But also,

I mean, it's crazy to think about this.

If you really want to go full circle, the way that those old guys, it would have been nice to know that those older comics are like, everything's changing.

Yes.

Nothing is the same.

Yeah.

Like they used to do Carson.

They did Carson and they were millionaires.

They would do a fucking an hour special once every seven years and everyone would be like yeah and now everyone's like all the time dump everything you have and you're just like ah

uh but it's everything changes and everything's evolving and no one knows what's actually happening that should be yeah that should be the peace that it brings you but again it was all dudes that thought they had it figured out because it was an established business model things didn't change all that drastically if anything there were just a few more opportunities that would pop up here and there and then once the flood hit Eddie Brill you knew Eddie Brill was booking Letterman yeah you knew if Eddie Brill saw you and you liked you there's a chance you're gonna get on letterman if you get on letterman you can maybe work the improvs and the funny bones and all this and now they're like do you have five million Instagram followers you're like

No, I was doing the other thing.

And I go, well, we don't do that anymore.

And you go, well, then fuck me.

Can you come on our show, do five minutes and save our failing business model?

Yeah,

please.

But it really, it's like,

you know, I think whenever you feel like a, and I go through it all the time, but whenever I feel a giant ping of like insecurity or anxiety or whatever, it's nice to go like, oh, there's 8 billion other people feeling the same exact thing.

Yeah.

No one is like, and that's kind of what's been cool about being able to do shows with guys that I idolize or guys that I see are cool.

And like, you realize like they, they got problems.

Totally.

Yeah.

It's got a host of shit that you have no idea what's going on.

No, that's a, it's actually

being friends with you guys, like truly you, Mark, Joe, Sam, like that, that era, you were all like the step ahead of me when I first came into the city and like established and working and so fucking good at comedy that I still feel weird around you guys.

Yeah, so like there's because we've been friends forever.

I know like, yeah, we've known each other over a decade.

And it's still like, oh, that's Dan.

So like I still, even though Kevin calls me, I still get very excited.

Yeah.

And I love Bobby.

He's like one of my close friends, but I still get that excitement.

Where I'm like, fucking Bobby Kelly's going.

If you guys are in the back of the room while I'm on stage, forget it, dude.

Fucking Jim Norton just said, what's up?

Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, fuck it.

I love little Jimmy.

He's just open eating.

You know what I mean?

Like, because I think those are, it's not growing out of that,

like, you got to keep some of that magic.

Like, genuinely, I could probably have a conversation with Seinfeld and he'd be like, do you know how much it costs to upkeep Porsches?

Do you have any idea?

I own 20,000 Porsches and it's hard to upkeep them.

And I'd be like, I never knew he had that anxiety.

He's like, that sucks.

Of course I don't talk about my hair transplants.

I got to notice too much stuff.

And you're like, oh, thank God.

It just, that's like nice.

Yeah.

It's just nice to know that.

Yeah, yeah.

It is nice to be hit with somebody else's problems.

Humanity.

It's just nice to know when someone's like human.

And it's kind of nice when Tom Brady sucks at broadcasting.

Totally.

Because you're like, oh.

You're not great at everything you do.

I bet he'll get good at it.

100%.

Because he's got that fucking mentality.

He won't allow himself to be bad.

Yeah, but you're like, oh, okay, kind of suck at it for a little bit it's kind of nice watching people who are great at stuff suck at other stuff it's nice he's already doing the thing that like i i we were doing on our podcast when it was getting low numbers and then we'd like do we'd bring back like poetry or something that we wrote as a teenager he wrote the pros and cons of becoming a bear he's like guys i have content every

i told katie every week he's gonna do that he goes you know i almost thought about going to the jaguars and they're like stop tom tom you know i could have fucked her

with the Bears?

Every Bear fan was like, oh.

And by the way, I know that because I'm a 49ers fan, and he did that with the 49ers.

He goes, you know, I tried to go to the 49ers in 2020.

And I'm like, oh,

just kissing the air.

Oh, you would have been back in the Super Bowl.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, why did we go with Jimmy Garoppolo that the second year?

But you're like, it's bullshit.

He's just, he's honey dick.

He's honey dipping you.

Yeah.

He's just like, yeah, yeah.

And it's working.

I thought I was going to be a bear.

Let's go to their game.

And everyone's like,

liar.

You were going to go to the bears in in 2020 you weren't who they had i don't even know who they had they were they were they weren't a good team like that's bullshit yeah he was gonna go to one of three teams and he went to the buccaneers because they built an all-star team for him right they went one year to fucking florida they went one and done yeah no taxes you can live by your other kid and he went i'll do it whatever

by your other kid yeah his first kid

i've always said the greatest storyline because you know tom brady had it was pregnant with Bridget Moynihan.

That's right, yeah.

Then he left for Giselle.

Yeah, who was hot in the recruit.

She's unbelievable.

Yeah, she was smoking out.

Such a big crush on.

I wanted him to stay with her.

Yeah.

But I get he goes and gets Giselle Bunch and supermodel.

But I always thought it was a Spanish avatar.

Yeah.

Where she's like, pump me full of babies.

He's like.

But I always thought it would have been really funny is if Tom Brady's son with his first, with Bridget Moynihan, like, you know how he went to Michigan?

He's like a quarterback or whatever, like just train that first kid to be like the meanest linebacker and go to Ohio State and just be like, I'm going to fucking destroy quarterbacks.

Like, the way you feel about your dad, he's just like, I'm going to fucking eat quarterbacks.

Guy kissed me on the lips in front of the press.

I'm going to fucking

kill him.

Yeah, while he was laying down.

I think that was the bigger issue is the kiss was while he was flat on his back.

Yeah.

Whoa.

I remember kissing my dad.

And after like five, I was like, yo, is this shit gay?

Yeah.

It's Monday.

Yeah.

I was like, yo, can we handshake?

This shit feels gay.

It's like, bye.

And you're like, ew.

Are you gay, dad?

I can't even kiss my son.

Like, I kiss my son on his head, on his cheeks, like all that stuff.

But if I plant one on his lips, kids have such wet mouths that it's like, it's just too, it's too much.

Does he kiss your wife on the lips?

Sometimes.

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Just put this in your mind.

Okay.

Track when that gets weird.

When kissing your mom, when your mom goes, yeah.

You go, fucking kissing you, lady.

I think it's already there.

He's already like, mom.

Yeah, like still.

Six?

Five.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So he's right at that time where he goes, yeah, that's dude.

His leap.

I ain't trying to fuck you, mom.

Dude, that's what happens when you go to kindergarten.

Out of nowhere, you are like, you have 90% of your influences from your parents.

Sure.

Then you go to kindergarten, you ride the bus, and you're like, you emancipated yourself from everything.

You're like, I don't even fucking know you, losers.

He did the gritty home like the other day.

And I was like, dude, what the fuck is happening?

That's That's kind of sick.

Your son's hitting the gritty.

I love that he's coming home.

He's like, I learned about numbers today.

That is sick.

But that's the fun part of being a parent.

You get to watch all the things that you're going through.

Yeah.

You're a smart guy.

You also work on yourself and you do drugs and that kind of stuff where you get perspective.

Yes.

Not like our parents' generation, which was like dive into alcohol and no one else's your worries.

you get to like

as you fix your problems.

You get to watch your son start his.

Totally.

That's what being a good dad is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it was giving the tools to be like, hey, don't, don't idolize people.

Yeah.

And also acknowledge the fact that I had a childhood.

Like so much of my childhood was my parents seemingly never have been like kids for an hour of their lives.

Dude, the boomers love to tell you that they're like,

They act like chimney sweeps.

Like they got put to work at like fucking five years old.

old and some of them did my mom worked from the time she was like 13 on yeah yeah but she hit me with like when i was your age i did this and you're like well it sounded like it sucked right right so why don't we change that so why are we doing this why are we running it back when you self-admittedly said it fucking blew yes my dad was like he was one of eight in levittown long island oh so like by the way the first suburb yes in america yeah oh and well and i i asked him recently i was like were you guys like aware of the racial component oh like the fact the reason they built suburbs was where black people did not move out.

Well, and John Levitt, the guy who designed Levittown, Long Island and Levittown, Pennsylvania, both.

Post-World War II?

It was meant for baby boomers.

And there was one black family that moved in, and they were the subject of like Molotov cocktails.

Crazy.

Like people trying to violently evict them from their homes.

And I asked my dad.

I was like, did you guys know that was going on?

He's like, I really.

Yeah, dude.

To be honest, though.

My grandma, before she, like, you know, she was still around, I would ask her, because she was born in 1927 in Oklahoma, like moved the California way, not because of the Dust Bowl.

It's fun to say that, but it's her dad got a job out in the Bay Area.

So she's like 15 years old living in Oakland.

And I'm like, going to school in Oakland.

And I'm like,

were you racist?

I go,

you must have been racist.

And she's like, no.

You know, I had never seen black people before.

She's coming from Oklahoma.

And she was like, but they were just people.

So then you go, oh, that's real chill.

My grandma was one of the ones that wasn't racist.

Meanwhile, I have a black cousin that no one ever talks to.

So you're like, well, Dana, I think you were kind of real racist.

I think you were super fucked up.

And you probably owe Nayshawn a giant apology.

Because I've never met her and she hates our family.

And I get it.

Wow.

And I get it.

Because I have a cousin that's like, yeah, fuck you guys.

And you're like, yeah.

Yeah.

But I'm also like, by the way, I'm white.

And they were shitty to me.

This family did not miss.

They were a, but I know, I honestly, they might not be racist.

They might just be horrible parents.

Yep.

Yeah.

Everyone in that family might have just been really bad at fucking being a family member.

I had, I have a cousin who did that thing where like grew up a certain way, had that break free of like, everybody here is racist.

This is fucked up.

And now she's a radicalized Muslim.

Like she's like in ISIS.

And salon.

Dude, like the curvy letters on her Facebook, the whole whole cover-up, posting wild anti-America shit.

And you're like, wow,

that's the line.

Whenever you see her, just Al-Akhbar.

That's so funny to have a cousin that you're like,

what's your name now?

I haven't seen her in, I mean, minimum 25 years.

Oh, really?

Like, this is only kept up through social media.

Crazy.

And she's open about it.

But that's also,

I think that would have been cooler back in the day to have like a mysterious cousin that's Muslim.

Yeah.

It's like you haven't seen her.

And you're like, is that Penny?

And she's like, As-alaam alaikum.

And you're like, what should I call you?

I named after the Nile.

Oh, fuck.

All right.

This sounds way more prestigious.

Because now you like watch people change.

So the change isn't as effective as people just showing up.

That's why I think high school reunions now aren't shit.

No, they suck.

Everyone watches you grow.

The whole point of high school reunions back in the day was someone to show up and be like, what the fuck?

Oh my God.

What in the fuck?

And then now you're like, yeah, I know, I follow you on Instagram.

You're insufferable.

Yep.

Yeah.

I mean, that's like, my 20th year was last year, I guess, 23, and it didn't happen because of social media.

People were just like, nobody gives a fuck to it.

We all see how we're doing.

Ryan was 20, 21, and they were like, are you going to come?

You're like, I talked to everybody.

I have touched with everyone from high school that I'm supposed to have touched with.

Me too.

Me too.

I'm still friends with all my boys that I grew up with.

Same.

That's that.

Some of them actually watch this podcast.

Nice.

Which is crazy.

Hey, guys.

Hi, boys.

It's kind of like the garage, huh?

We're going to get high after this, so it really is.

But it is.

High school reunions are a dated thing.

Yeah.

I are telling you.

I'm writing letters.

You're like, who the fuck

does that?

Text me.

It's only for people in prison.

High school reunions are only for people in prison.

I can't wait to get out.

I'm going to go, wow, everybody.

Yeah, it's as everything changes.

because as we get older, I think we're also starting to hit that thing right now where I'm getting a little crotchety towards change where I'm like, why has it got to change?

It was good the way it was.

Yeah.

Like, well, it wasn't good for everybody.

So maybe it is changing.

I think right now we're, I'm excited for a bunch of shit to change.

Truly.

Like specifically what?

Like socially or just like the way everyone's acting.

Yeah, I want like, I want, I wish there was like a social solar flare.

Yes.

Like something that could just completely fucking wipe out people's behavior and make them start from zero.

And then we can, yeah, then we can, you know, blow in the controller, start fresh, see if we can say hi and look each other in the eyes.

Just hit the reset button.

Yeah.

Because most people face to face are great.

Mm-hmm.

But not all.

No.

But there is, you know, there's, I don't know, man.

It's fucking, there's a lot of shit where you're like,

I hate.

I think it's never been better and it's never been worse.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, I think that's how it is.

I've never been closer to John Goodman in the big Lebowski, like literally like packing my gun and, does anybody follow the rules?

That's like my whole fucking thing.

Dude, you're a white guy about to hit your 40s.

All we care about is the rules.

It's all about the rules.

You go, those aren't the rules.

You're not following the rules.

Someone will skip.

You're boring right now.

You're not zone one.

You're not zone one.

I saw your ticket.

You're zone three.

What the fuck are you doing?

Oh, speaking of which, just a little aside, I saw Pafeeni get picked off yesterday trying to pull that shit.

He's always an early zone jumper.

And he's like, oh, no, no, I'm in the one before you.

And I saw him go up there and the lady goes, that's not right and pushed him to the side and he waited by himself.

Can I tell you my favorite thing to do in those moments?

It does happen often.

I'll be waiting there and I'll see someone jump there.

I'll see someone jump the route.

I'll see him try to go for the pick six, but then they get fucking denied.

They get Mutumboed.

R.I.P.

King.

When that happens,

most of the time, if I'm in a good mood, if I'm in a jovial mood and it's not too early in the the morning, when I see someone get denied, I'll go, Defense.

Defense.

And sometimes the gate agent will look at me and be like,

You know, I fucking, I love rules.

I'm an old hot.

I fucking love rules, dude.

It's so funny to do that, though.

You go like, sir, we're not born in that.

You just go, D.

Fence.

Oh, my God.

I hope that spreads.

Yeah.

Start doing it, dude.

Start doing it.

It's amazing.

Because you are, it's the shame.

Shame.

Yeah.

Shame.

one time i walked uh i told the story in the bonfire but it's but it was one of my favorite moments of waiting tables uh when the collapse happened in 08

we got a ton of europeans that would come and eat at those communos yeah not tip one time during lunch it was crazy busy and this guy with like his whore just this lady if she wasn't a whore

to quote the great dave chappelle you're wearing a whore's uniform but she was like dressed like a whore and they sit down and i'm in the weeds i'm fucking i'm so behind on every table.

And he sits down and he's got the menu and he goes,

bistek.

And I go, excuse me.

And he goes, bistek.

I go, well, we have two items that are steak.

We have the asada tacos and we have the asada burrito, but we don't have a steak.

And he goes, steak.

I want steak.

And I go, well, we don't have that.

And he goes, you don't have that.

I leave.

And he puts the menu down.

I go, bye.

And he gets up and walks away.

And as he was leaving, I slap the ground like a point guard.

And I go,

that.

Hyped up your slacks.

Yeah, I did.

I picked up my hands and I slapped it down.

My friend Los, who was bartending, was like, Did you just point guard defense that Spanish couple from leaving?

And I was like, God damn right, I did, dude.

Fucking pistols, pistols, pistols, pistols, dude.

I'll lock you down.

As a white point guard, that was like my whole role.

Slap the floor, clean the bottom of my feet, then just dirty palms up.

I'll get my squeaks on, dude.

You ain't getting live, bro.

You ain't pre-sticky, Mac.

You have to do it yourself.

Yeah, you're like, dude, I'll fucking.

Football.

I knew you would appreciate that as a basketball fan.

Just walking him.

Mike Cannon is hilarious.

He's got a special, a brand new special out on YouTube.

Anxiety.

A traumatized animal.

Traumatized animal.

Filmed at...

Stanford, New York.

Yeah, at the New York Comedy Club in Stamford, Connecticut.

That room fucking rules.

The room rules.

Yeah.

And you walk in that room and you kind of go, is this going to be a good room?

And then the show starts and you're like, oh, this is a fucking.

It feels like theater club hybrid in the sense that, like, and that's the sound we got from it too, where it's like super intimate.

Everybody's kind of on top of you, but it booms.

Yeah, it's fucking awesome.

Yeah.

So check out Traumatized Animal on YouTube right now.

You're the man.

Appreciate you having it.

Thanks for having me.