61: A Series of Embarrassing Decisions with Sarah Tollemache | Soder Podcast | EP 59

Winnipeg, Canada, January 30th, the 31st, and February 1st.

I will be at Rumors for five shows.

Go get tickets at dancoder.com.

And this time, leave your infectious diseases to yourself.

California, 2025, the end of February.

San Diego, February 28th.

Los Angeles, March 1st, and San Francisco, March 2nd.

Get tickets on sale now.

dansodor.com.

I will see you in 2025.

And then other cities, don't worry.

We're coming.

We're putting it all together.

But California, you're up first on this theater tour.

I'm very excited about this.

Again, February 28th, I'll see you in San Diego.

March 1st, Los Angeles.

And March 2nd, San Francisco.

Dansoter.com for tickets.

Please buy them.

And I'll see you then.

I just saw, I read that book.

Columbine Column by Dave Coleman.

Yeah.

It's unbelievable.

And the Seabold mom, who I just kind of saw in a clip, and she looks normal as can be.

Klebold?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

She wrote a book.

How crazy to just be like, yeah, I had, you know.

My son is one of the most infamous mass murderers in the United States.

And she still lived in that town, didn't she?

Yeah, they're still in Littleton.

Klebold's mom released a book called like,

What if your baby shot a bunch of other babies?

I don't know.

Yeah, but you're, yeah, kind of like the O.J.

Simpson tactic.

Yeah, where you go.

If I did tell him to shoot up the school, here's how I would do it.

Here's what I would do.

That would be.

I think they were taken aback, right?

Oh, it was a surprise for both families.

But the one made sense because he, they said, exhibited clear signs of psychopathy.

Eric Harris.

Yeah.

And they said Klebold was the follower.

Yeah.

There's usually.

They just worked at the Orange Julius or something in the the mall.

Right.

And then they were like, you want to just fucking kill everybody?

That's the thing that always blows my mind about these people.

I'm like, how do they find each other?

They pedophiles find, well, there's a website you can go to.

It's also registered.

But you know what?

You're absolutely right, though, because there's like.

Good and bad meet each other.

Like, you know, the story of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards meeting?

No.

And they were like just on a train and Mick Jagger had a bunch of records, like blues records.

Yeah.

And Keith Richards was like, you like that shit?

And he was like,

he's like, ooh, I love this.

I also love putting on women's clothing and dancing.

Yeah.

Dancing.

But then they made the Rolling Stones.

Right.

Kind of.

No, I didn't know that.

Paul and John meeting.

And then there's like the flip side of that coin is.

Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris hanging out.

For every

amazing band, there is the Cleveland Harold.

Yeah.

Well, this one made me laugh really hard.

Apparently, there was these, there was this well-known female band that it was like a Joe Jackson situation, and he couldn't beat the shit.

Couldn't beat the sh talent into them.

Oh, so they were like, they took the abuse, but didn't have the Jackson five.

It's still so bad.

And I was like, I want to see that as a movie because that's so fucking funny to me.

Like,

you still have to have a little bit of talent to beat the shit into it is a spark there needs to be a spark and then the beatings are like oxygen to the flame but when you're untalented you're just dumping air on the logs wet leaves

that's so that bio movie where they're like that's it That's the song.

And then they go and they go, no, it's not.

Not even close.

Everyone says that song really sucks and they're mad at you.

Yeah, that is because you know you know like with all those stories about like mick jagger and keith richards and stuff oh there's there's more failure yeah

than those success stories and i actually want to see those stories i would love to do

because i don't i only care about in a biopic i only care about the first hour when they're struggling when they're struggling after they make it i'm so uninterested

it depends it depends on how they show

the debauchery, like a Motley Crew situation.

It was a horrible movie.

Did you see that?

I did with Machine Gun Kelly.

Yeah, as Tommy Lee.

Yeah.

It was dog shit.

It was so bad.

I watched it when I was in Buffalo at Helium.

It was like a Thursday night and I got like McDonald's.

Wait, you're like excited.

Yeah, I was very excited.

I put it on.

I called, this is when I was still on the bonfire.

I called Big J at 2.30 in the morning like someone we know had died until he picked up.

And then he picked up, and I was like,

please watch this Motley Crew movie.

It's the biggest hunk of shit I've ever seen in my life.

I took notes.

It was...

They don't make biopic movies good anymore.

They feel like lifetime movies.

Like, did you, like, I saw the trailer for the Bob Marley, and I was like, this looks like absolute dog shit to me.

It looks like everything to me.

And I don't know if this is probably just older age.

Right, right.

Everything to me now.

I worry about that.

Everything looks like a 30 rock rock parody right everything looks like it's like tracy don't you remember when you started in that bob miley movie and he's like i ain't even going to swoke weed

i'm not allowed to and then they come back and it's like that's how it feels right it's so on the nose it was because the trailer

i think the problem is we need to bring back trailer voice guys

right like the pablo francisco bits right all yeah yeah

god bless i hope you're all right pablo

because that Sacramento Punchline video is so tough to watch where he's like, you think I can't get back into this?

It's a man mentally snapped on stage.

Have you ever seen that?

Oh, and then you're just,

it's so brutal.

Just stand up can be so brutal because you're like, oh, he's still doing, he's trying to jam this bit that's like, we're not even doing this anymore 15 years later.

Oh, and you also know that like he's just looking for that like pop

to get out.

Yeah, yeah.

On stage.

Where he's like, just give me a little bit of laughter.

So I can't.

So I can say thank you.

Good night thank you good night yeah i i think we need to bring back the the voiceover trailer like in a world right there's one man yeah those were a little boy because those

trailers now show their ass too much yeah it well i also just feel like they're just so hokey to me i think the last bio pic was the doors

That's a great one, though.

Yeah, and that one is really fun.

I watched that pretty recently, and I remember just just being like, Do you think they were ever like, oh, things got really out of hand?

What the for the doors, like,

did the actual doors,

yeah, like looking because that they got it got way out of hand.

Well, they were like

partying and orgies and drugs and like all this stuff.

I absolutely, everyone's human, so there is a point.

I don't care how fucking cool you are, yeah, that's all a mystique, right?

Someone woke up and went like

someone woke up in Zeppelin and was like, Did you put a fish in a woman's pussy?

I know.

And they were like, I did.

And she was 13, probably.

Man, that's wild.

I'll tell you what.

You know, that's the conversation that Keith Richards is never going to see the light of day where he's like, when everyone's like, how is it different in your day?

He goes, in my day, you could have sex with a kid.

And the parents would give it to you.

Because you had a jamming album.

We had so many good hits.

They were giving us their kids.

You could just adopt a 13-year-old.

That's the bio.

That's the bio pick you.

I want to see the family where they go.

They all did it.

Yeah, where they go, Alice Cooper's coming to town.

Stacy, we're going to give you him.

We're going to give you.

We're going to give you this.

Put on your crochet top.

I need you to be sexy for my favorite rock star.

The Bob Marley trailer is like laughably bad.

It's so bad.

Because he's like,

That one part where he goes, everything's going to be all right, right, kids.

That's the song.

That's the moment where they do it.

Yeah, yeah.

That's it.

That's how I'm gonna get over on the world.

I know, and then I.

And I don't want to be disparaging to reggae.

Yeah.

But, like,

doesn't it all kind of sound very similar?

Isolate that?

Blackmail.

You're going to have a lot of Jamaicans in your thing.

They'd be like, what do you be saying on the rigging?

You be sounding the same thing, you white lady.

I love a steel drum.

I love a steel drum, too, but the whiteness in me then just wants to hear Jane says.

Right, right.

Yes.

Jane says.

I just want to hear a crazy white guy.

That's every time I hear a steel drum.

You can see the white guy.

I go, oh, that's nice.

Do you have the white version?

For my little Anglo ears.

I grew up in the 90s.

Can I have Jane's addiction?

We do it to food.

Why can't we do it to music?

that's why everything's fusion right fusion's for whites oh yeah it's to because the the real ones just bring it down a notch for us where they go can you put a glob of mayonnaise in it and they go yeah but it's not going to be like mexican food and you're like tex-mex okay but we're at

so it's text it is text mex did you growing up in texas did you learn spanish at all Um puquito and I worked in a restaurant for 10 million years and I never thought I was ever going to get out.

Also, i did payroll and i was forever arguing because they pay attention to their paychecks yeah because i don't know if you know this some of them had to fight to get here

and i'm pretty sure you care about your cow yeah pretty sure you care about your hourly wage when you know you had to sleep in a river and then wake up and now you're working at a chili's you're like no carry that three right carry that three i know you're like it would yeah white people just get our checks and we go like two dollars and 16 cents It's so unfair when you got a stack of cash this big in your pocket.

It doesn't even matter.

And it all gets taxed.

You're not even taking my paychecks in Texas were like five bucks.

Yeah, that's right.

When I worked at Dos Caminos, I would get paychecks for like

$2.33.

Yeah.

And then you would get taxes and they would be like, oh, you owe us $6,000.

Yeah.

It was brutal.

But like,

the back of the house would try to scam the clock.

Fuck yeah, they would.

They're not allowed to fucking do.

By the way, guess what, gentlemen?

You're officially American.

Yeah.

You can go back and say,

Welcome to the United States.

Welcome to the United States.

Fuck yeah, you scam the clock.

If you're on an hour early, you do whatever you can.

Oh, yeah.

Bathroom breaks.

But they weren't allowed to clock in unless a manager had to clock them in.

And I always think

it's so demoralizing.

Like, just fucking give them their five minutes.

no they have to go i all right are you ready roberto i'm gonna you're gonna start working the second i hit this button it's so demeaning they're like ready beep boop he's like si senor

one more beep and then i go back door they're already working 70 hours a week it's insane the um did you have i thought mexicans worked hard because i worked in restaurants in colorado and arizona right i never understood the lazy stereotype.

I was like,

they'll outwork all of us.

Yes.

Like that,

however you feel, you know, I do believe we should just get super polite.

I know, I know.

Shut down the borders.

And like you're landing the plane.

And that's how I feel like when we have to maneuver around these conversations.

Well, there's a little bit of turbulence.

Coming in.

Dance coming in for the landing.

This is your social captain.

We're experiencing some current events that make people people angry mexicans work so fucking hard until i met african dishwashers oh yeah yeah yeah this guy lasana lasana if you ever see this clip is this from dos cominos i miss you uncle i miss you so much i'd call him my uncle he'd be like i don't like you because i'm like i would make fun of him and stuff i'd go why are you so mad right now i'd be like who are you i don't like you yeah i mean i can't say what he actually would say to me right i'll tell you guys off camera it was very funny.

I think

they upset waitresses.

Oh,

why does he say that to you?

And I would go, that's my uncle.

And he'd go, fuck you.

I am not your uncle.

And then he got emotional when I left, when I quit.

When I was like, Lasana, I'm done.

And he goes, you come to Ghana.

I want you to see my house.

I want you to, I have a big house in Ghana.

And I was like, dude, I would fuck you.

I will go to Ghana.

Lasana, if you're alive, I got the cash now, dude.

Let me come to your Dianeese house.

Katie, we're going to Ghana.

Going, going, Ghana.

The Dance Center challenge.

Patreon.

Patreon.

Put it on the Tron.

But yeah, dude, like seeing those guys work.

He told me that he had two different jobs dishwashing.

Right.

All their money goes back home.

All of it.

Yeah.

He would work.

And your engineer is back home.

He's like, you know that

I put a lamb's heart into a man man and he lives.

He is the president of Ghana.

And

please pre-bus your place.

Like scraping like fucking tacos off.

And this guy's like, I am the first person to build a bridge in my town.

And then I'm like, okay, but I need saucers.

I need saucers.

Where are the ramekins?

I need ramekins for crema.

For crema.

Yellow chicks.

Cream.

Crema.

Sour cream.

And he'd be like, dude.

But yeah,

he told me that he worked, because I worked lunches with him.

And then he would go work dinner at a different, completely different restaurant.

Yeah.

I don't know how they do it.

He told me he slept in the park.

I was like, where do you live?

He goes, I sleep in the park.

Yeah.

And then if you get like a gym membership, you can just take a shower.

Like, sometimes I do think of like, I think I know how to cheat the system.

If I got down on my luck, I think I could, I think I could do it.

Minus the rapes.

Yeah.

But I think I could do it.

That's always the thing I never think about.

Right.

The sexual assault.

I can sleep under a bridge.

I'm a, I'm a tough gator to catch.

You try sticking your dick.

You try sticking your dick in my butt, I'm thrashing.

When I try to change my son's diaper,

it's just like that.

I feel like I'm actually like about to sexually assault him where I'm like, get your hips straight.

Give me those legs.

He's like, he's like, like the legs.

Have you and Joe

became comfortable being pissed on?

My relationship with Pooh, and I have to call it Pooh.

Yeah.

Because it's from the most innocent butthole.

The sweetest little boy.

Ever see.

Like, there's no, it's like Louis' bit.

Like,

there's no anger or bitterness, but you do see it.

Yeah.

You see it come out and you're like, I'm used to it.

On me.

I don't even care.

There's sometimes you'll just go to bed and you're like i'm pretty sure it's in my hair but i'm tired yeah and sleep is way more important than cleanliness right all of that goes out the door but yeah you get peed on a lot and i love it you're like oh is that all you got and he's like

i don't know yeah i mean that um

getting pissed and shit on No one ever talks about how quickly you become comfortable with it.

Oh, easily.

I mean, because there's no smell, so I think I'd be fine.

All that baby, baby stuff seems so innocent.

It's pretty, pee pretty much water to me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not that I'm drinking it, but it's all.

It's so like light and like just like water.

It's funny that

parents and

men talking about girls squirting is the same energy.

Right.

Diagram where they go, it's just piss and it's water.

It's no, it doesn't even smell.

Yeah, it's sterile.

Yeah.

Dude, if it's on your sheets, it's fucking sterile.

It's like super sexual deviant creeps and parents.

And just rationalizing it.

Yeah.

Whatever, man.

It's just piss.

It's dope.

Well, I will go.

Well, we do pee on jellyfish wounds.

So that's antiseptic, right?

There's a lot of Major League Baseball players that would piss on their hands to make them callused to grab the bat.

So is it that bad for you?

If it was good enough for Moises Salu,

I think it's good enough for you.

Okay.

I think that's what we're deciding.

We saw each other on, that was the first time I met Marty.

Yes.

Which is, that's on me.

I told, I told Joe yesterday, I saw him.

That's all right.

Well, now we live in the city.

I know.

But it's just as far as Astoria.

No way.

Right.

We did the math, and it's kind of just the same.

Well, I saw Joe at the cellar, and he's like, I'm fucking here.

I live in the city.

Yeah.

And I was like, how far is it?

And he's like, still

35 minutes away.

That's wild.

It's so funny where I'm like, but it's better.

Sure.

Aesthetically, it's better.

But Joe and I,

everyone's hot in our neighborhood.

And brought we brought it we brought it down in a little bit yeah but you know we're we're striving to be tense I oh man you guys so hard I know well Joe got

the line yeah he's doing it I'm gonna go to turkey and get my abs sculpted

I already got my hair done.

I'm gonna get my sculpture.

Did you go to Turkey for that?

No, I did it here.

Well, apparently all men go there for their hair plugs, and there's just a, on the way there, it's just a plane of male pattern baldness.

Oh, yeah.

And then it comes back and it's all swabbed up.

just quaft just wounds just you just see gauze on people's heads mateo had a great line in his special where he's like it all looks like mars attack

but they um

but turkey doesn't turkey's got the rap you know i talk about it on stage about the hair transplants but they also do these things that katie's showing me on tick tock where they have like these wonderful hospitals that are like spas and it's still cheaper than our medical it's cheaper to fly to turkey and they do a full treat you nicely they do a full workout.

They go like top to bottom.

I kind of want to do that.

I've thought about it.

I was like, I don't know if I can do the Botox and filler.

No, no, no.

I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about

the heart surgery.

Oh, they do?

No, they like check you for cancer.

They do a cancer scan.

They do a

calcium buildup in your arteries.

They do everything.

I kind of, and it's one day.

And by the way, it's like literally.

It's Turkey, like, it's cool.

It used to be the epicenter of culture.

You got Africa and Europe meeting together.

Hello.

And a port.

And I can find out out if I can keep eating sweets late at night.

Right.

The most American thing.

I just want my sweet treats.

And then afterwards, you get some Turkish Delight, which is the most

sickly sweet thing you'll ever eat.

Turkish Delight is beautiful.

I love sweets.

Oh, man, I might even get another fucking round of hair done when I'm over there.

Who knows?

I've thought about getting hair plugs.

Really?

Yeah, because I feel like after you...

like have a kid especially as a woman you just you just bald and he rips out all of my hair just he's just hands right right now.

It's like an abusive husband where I'm like, okay, I'll stop.

I'll stop.

I'll stop.

I'll stop.

I'm sorry, BB.

I'm so sorry, BB.

He's calling a baby because he's a baby.

Baby, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of your friends.

Please, can you not tell Joe about that and just do that character the next time he does it with Joe's?

Like, unprompted, go, Joe, look, he's an abusive husband.

I'm sorry, Bibi.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

He's just like, sorry, laughing.

He's like.

Because the grip, it's like right at the root and they get you in the most sensitive areas, like the little hairs right here and here.

And then you're just like, oh my God.

Yeah.

And it makes me, it really tests your patience.

Sure.

Yeah.

Well, it's a person abusing you

that you're in charge of.

And that you can't.

You can't fight back.

No.

And if you do, the state will get into it.

It's a real big problem.

Yeah.

Their little thing called child protective services might come by.

And then, but what if you showed them the video?

And he goes, he pulls my hair and CPS goes, yeah, I think you're good.

Especially like in Texas, just like, I'm just defending my home.

Stand my ground.

They go, Miss, he's nine months old.

You shot him.

Point blank range.

to the chest.

He had no defense.

There was not even a defense wound.

He just completely fucking took that bullet to the chest.

Annihilated him.

When I saw you go to Texas,

it's always crazy hanging out with you because you feel like the least Texas person I've ever met in my life well and you're from Houston I am I say y'all but my parents weren't they're not they immigrated here from South Africa so I feel like we didn't

aren't like generational

once Mandela got out they're like I can't stay here I gotta go they're like that Mandela's a problem

that's so funny you know Sarah's parents I'm gonna start spreading that rumor you know Sarah's parents are like super against Nelson they started apartheid

Did you just hear your last name is originally apartheid?

And they changed it to Talama?

Although, I do have to tell you whenever I always kind of keep it light that I don't, I don't tell people that I am from South Africa because I automatically feel bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Even though we are of not Afrikaners,

but we are of English descent, but same thing.

It's Colin as you.

So how'd you, your parents were from your parents' parents were from England?

My mom's parents are from England.

My mom's from England.

She immigrated to South Africa when she was eight because my grandfather got, he wanted a professorship and he couldn't get it in England.

And then he found one in South Africa at the University in Johannesburg.

And then my dad is several generations

South African.

Yeah.

No, just English descent.

But is that like,

is that like when white people here to get out of the slavery thing?

We go, my grandfather came over from Ireland.

And you go, well, he was here.

Right.

We were part of it.

And the situation was going down and you go, no, but I, but I'm not.

But I'm not part.

But I'm not.

I didn't own slaves.

I had Dr.

Dre's the chronic when I was growing up.

I'm not racist.

Yeah.

Right.

Well, that's also, I always think about that, like, you know, you think of like people kind of maybe shit on Jay-Z having started with like drug and pimp money and Dr.

Dre.

And you're like, then when you do history and you find out like all founding fathers and a lot of their money is just all based on like

rum sales and sugar like booze and cigarettes yeah tobacco and booze they were just selling parties stealing like going underground money yeah yeah absolutely everyone had a

you it's all like stolen money that we ever the amount of wealth that starts the rockefellers didn't make their money from hugs right they met it from being like fucking steel barons and shit like they're no oprah yeah no not that measly beginnings that bill burr joke that he used to have is completely true he's like Oprah built her whole empire on the backs of little people and fucking cars.

That is true.

Exploiting

her show back in the day was like, trash.

I've got a, you know, they'd be like, a hooker versus her pimp.

And you're like, what is this?

And then now she's like, there's a chocolate chip cookie that I absolutely love.

Right.

And you're like, no, no, no, you need it.

Underneath your seat.

Yeah, that's why.

Yeah.

Eat it.

Eat it in front of you.

Yeah.

I had it taped under there by someone I don't pay a livable wage, you stupid fucks.

But yeah, I mean, that is like

so, so they moved from South Africa to Texas.

Well, because they're like, do you have anything equa racist?

Exactly.

Well, the funny thing is, like, they thought there was too many guns, people owning guns in South Africa.

And they went to Texas?

That's the, yeah, that's the funny part.

That's so funny.

Yeah.

Where I was like, oh, well, you just moved into the heart of it.

She goes,

could we have it be more aggressive and open?

Yeah.

And it's just, it's almost just the same.

Like when we go to West Texas, my mom says it reminds her of South Africa.

Really?

Yeah.

Do you guys ever go back to South Africa?

I only went once.

My mom had to go back a few times, but then all of our family is pretty much not there anymore.

Okay.

Moved to Australia.

Damn, they just keep moving.

They do.

The second they go, that's the thing about us.

You might think we're in South Africa.

Boat popped up in Australia.

They go, is Interpol after your family?

I tried to follow it.

Next time Joe comes over, I have a cork board with like your family.

I go,

here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Follow the money.

Follow the money.

It goes back up to England.

I wish I was.

It goes to Australia.

Yeah, that's...

It's it's cool when you have parents from different places because you get a whole different perspective.

Yeah, I always felt there's like, you feel like an outsider.

Also, we weren't religious in the town.

I mean, most of Texas is maybe the city is not.

It's pretty liberal in all the Texas cities.

But like, the suburbs are just Christian and wild.

But that's everywhere.

Yeah.

I mean, that's.

Oh, everywhere.

Colorado's like,

outside of Denver.

It's just like...

But it gets like silly.

Like, I remember my brother playing with these like red, muscly, devil-ish toys, like a He-Man offshoot.

I forgot the name.

And one of the parents wouldn't let their kid play with the toys because it felt like it was demonic.

That's always fun.

I know, but it's

silly.

But then you go, well, we know which family to fuck with in the neighborhood.

Yes.

Because they're scared of toys.

So imagine what we can do.

We could really open this up.

We're going to have a lot of opportunities.

It really shows your weakness when you start

talking like that.

Where you go, is that a devil toy?

I know.

Well, one time I remember talking about evolution.

We had a New York, a woman, a teacher from New York move down, Miss Winnicky.

Which is, that fuck dangerous minds.

Right.

Coming down to Texas in the 80s talking evolution well i didn't even think this was anything crazy i just started talking in the car and i was like isn't it crazy that miss winnicky said that we there's a uh it might be a missing link between us and like monkey and uh the mom that was driving us to soccer was like what I'm sorry, what's going on?

And she's like, I'm sorry, we are derived from Adam's rib.

And I'm like, that's even at that age, you're like, that's so silly.

Dude, it it was.

Can you just treat that as a story rather than like fact?

It would be much more effective if you treated it as a story.

Isn't that just an allegory and not literal meaning?

And by the way, if that would have been the X, that's how they could have got me.

Right.

If they would have gone like, well, it's an allegory.

It like means something because, you know, we evolved from, we probably think the same group or tribe and Pangea just kind of makes sense with everything together.

You know, that's why they call Africa the cradle of civilization is because they believe humans.

But instead of just going, no, we're a rib, you go, well, now I'm fucking out.

I'm a man.

Yeah, a man.

A guy.

Adam.

A guy.

Yeah.

Which, by the way, if you've ever read the Bible, you know that they say that Adam was 930 years old.

Right.

So you're like...

Jesus is like, that's ridiculous.

That's an old rib.

He's a vampire.

Yeah.

Vampiro.

What a great.

I think we just found our new project.

We might have to edit this out.

We're writing Adam and Eve, but Adam's a vampire.

He's a vampire.

Vampiro.

The original.

We're doing the Bible,

but with vampires.

We have a franchise.

We become like the new J.K.

Rowling where I go, I don't like male trans.

There's just like one thing I don't like.

I'm fine with trans.

Not guys, though.

Yeah, dude.

That's like my mom.

My mom was raised Irish Catholic, like very Irish Catholic, and then she got married in college and it was like a mistake.

So she got divorced.

Yeah, but Catholics don't care

It's weird.

It's like and it's like Baptist Presbyterian light Methodist.

I don't find Methodists as bonkers.

Well, my dad was Episcopalian.

Yeah, so that's weird.

That's light Catholicism.

That is Catholic.

That's like Catholicism.

Well, it's funny when you find out that it was just created because the king of England wanted to get a divorce.

Right.

Which is

funny because he wanted a male heir, right?

Yeah, where he was like, this lady's giving me chicks.

God talked to me.

I got a new religion.

Which is funny because we find out now that

man is responsible for gender.

Male.

Are they really?

The male crown.

Like,

you're the one that dictate more of what the gender is going to be of the baby.

Yeah, you got all that lady come in, you know.

You're making

your YY and you guys have XY.

So you guys create that.

Why's your come all lady-like?

What are you gay?

Dude, taking all these ladies.

If you're a fan of the show and a husband and you have three daughters and your husband is ever blamed you just make please call your husband's cum gay like what do you you just want chicks i know you're the one with the gay cum

i just say that at a party don't say that anymore don't say that um yeah i mean he just created

divorce right

And then that's our religion now.

You want it out?

Right.

But that's how I feel about like with all the molestation.

Yeah.

And then Catholics get so butt hurt when you bring it up.

And then I'm like, like, well, they really, some of them actually get very butt hurt.

Very, the victims.

Yeah, the victims.

The victims are the most butthurt in all of this.

What are you butthurt?

He was like, I was raped.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the way you put it.

Someone taking butthurt seriously.

What are you butthurt?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was.

I had to have stitches.

He ripped me.

I'm only now just shitting properly.

Yeah.

It was, you know, I had a catheter bag.

You know, I had to shit shit in a bag because I got tore up.

Butt hurt.

Because I got, or as you like to call it, butt hurt.

That's what they call it in the rape statement.

They got Nab says here, you were butt hurt?

And he goes, no, I got raped.

He's like, all right, well,

we'll clean up the language in the police report.

Well, it feels like that's what the priest would tell them.

Like, come on, lighten up.

You're just butt hurt.

That's all.

Father McMillan, you told me to keep that a secret.

But you were saying with the molestations.

Right.

I'm like, just start another part of Catholicism.

We do it all the time with every kind of cultural group and religion.

It's every...

By the way.

I don't know what name it would be called.

I was trying to.

Catholic Without Rape?

Without the molestation?

C-W-R.

C-W-O-R.

Adult-C-WR.

Adult-only Catholicism.

Because that's how you get rid of the problem.

So you stop having these sexy boys around.

Right.

Now, here's the problem.

It's adult men choirs.

Yeah, where they're like, oh, it's all just bass.

Oh,

so.

It's like Enigma chanting.

Oh.

Oh, dot,

ah, bass.

Yeah, dude.

My mom got kicked out of being Catholic.

Did she really?

Yeah, they're like, you're excommunicated.

You got divorced.

Yeah.

You can't be a Catholic anymore.

It's so weird.

But she still, like, and I love my mom for this because she still has a loyalty to it.

Right.

She didn't force it down my throat.

She make us go to church on Christmas and Easter.

Yeah, yeah.

She's like, those are the two.

Those are the big ones.

That's when God

comes in to manage.

God gets dressed to leave the house on that day.

Most of the time you're just barking at God.

That's God putting on shoes.

CEO coming in just to make sure the employees are showing up.

Superintendents in the school.

Just fucking have a good day.

All right.

This is everyone be nice.

It's his kid's birthday.

Every other day,

he's not there.

He's not taking drugs.

Let's let him have a little fun.

All right.

But we would go and I remember like stuff in the stuff they would say in church didn't make sense to me.

And I remember my mom watching a single mom get frustrated with like child-like questions.

It must be so aggravating to be high up in the church because you must get questions all the time.

All the time.

Oh, also, you have a lot of a majority a lot not a majority a lot more people now than ever going well shit's not real right right saying your boss isn't real yeah you go no my boss is real and they go is he though is he i haven't seen him at the store i don't what has he done for me

you go i don't know he's got a lot going on yeah he's just busy why's bad stuff happen you go he only gives it to you what you can handle which is so insulting

to be like you're a dumb idiot that's why your life is privileged.

Dude, the thought of me.

The reason why I have an autistic son is because God only gives me what I can handle.

So that's what I can handle.

It's all.

And you can't because you're a pussy.

That's why your children are all like perfect.

I'm at a proper reading level.

God thinks you're weak.

It's also really funny, like saying that God,

like, if I did that to Katie,

where she goes, we haven't gone out in like like a month.

I go, well, I only give you what you can handle.

She goes,

what?

I can only give you, I save my toughest battles for my strongest soldiers.

I want an easy day.

No, no, no, no, no.

You get nothing.

You get nothing.

We're going to make this tough on you.

Which is kind of like how it is to work in corporate.

Anytime you work really hard, they don't reward you with less work, but they give the person.

That sucks.

That sucks.

They get promoted.

Yeah.

I mean, i would i think i would go crazy if i worked in the corporate world because it's it's a wild ride how long did you i've done a few i did property management and i've temped and it blows my mind like i had low self-esteem for the longest time and then when i started i never thought about like applying to anything that felt like a lot of money yeah and then when i kind of i

when doing stand-up and then having to temp my family would always be like I kind of Eastern promised my way into companies like I didn't have the give a fuck attitude so all of a sudden I would get promoted a lot and they liked me because you just clock in clock out do your job and you don't do anything so

they want to reward you they I got rewarded all the time were there people that were not temporary but like permanently they're like mad at you yeah well because like I'd be like well I'm just telling you right now I just do stand-up and

I need need certain, you know, like if I go on the road, can I have they're like, yes.

And as long as I would do my job.

And then I would put in, I would send in the email and everyone in the office would get alerts of when I was off and there would be this one girl that would just be like, like slamming

like the keyboard down and walking off because she never got that.

And I was like, quite an act, bitch.

I know.

And then, but then I was like, yeah, but you need to establish your boundaries in the very beginning.

It's almost weird how people respect you.

Well, honestly, there is like um

there's a lot of people that

trust people they shouldn't yeah especially when they're getting hired where they go like just they're just grateful for a job yeah but they don't realize it's like

kind of a mixture of what you're saying about back of house people caring about the hours and you not giving a fuck it's like when you treat it like a business and it is what it is you're establishing boundaries where you go hey you're my boss you're not my fucking friend you're not this yeah i'm going in i'm clocking in and i'm clocking out i'm not doing extra after this yeah um i will do

what i consider the bare minimum but what you think is your bare minimum is like a hundred percent in regular world it was mind-blowing to me i just realized you do not need to be smart in life you just need to show up and be somewhat pleasant

and you will go far easy to work with right is the key to all success

if because i'll tell you right now no matter how talented you are if you're a headache and you walk in the room people are gonna go at first with your talent they're gonna be like he's so talented right but then that new car smell wears off and people just go like

yeah

are they bringing the heat yeah and then they go i like this early stuff better exactly they'll like find a way to make it be like yeah i don't know he's kind of a dickhead but also that works uh for all the young men watching that works on getting women being honest and setting boundaries.

Just going up and be like, hey, I'm kind of busy, but I would like to hang out once in a while.

I can't really promise you anything.

You find most women go, like, okay.

That I need to see you.

Yeah.

I must have that.

Because I spent a majority of my early 20s

being like thirsty.

I'll do whatever you

need fucking love.

And they'd go, I'll drive you to the airport.

Oh, my God.

I'll sleep at the foot of your bed like a dog.

Just touch it once.

And then you realize that they're like i don't need gross that's why they always say that uh nice guys finish last it's not nice guys it's doormats right if you go like shut up idiot

hi hey no yeah boops and the shake of his head but you know all right it's like it's the thing you learn in life where you go like oh if i care dude i remember fucking caring about getting into comedy clubs in new york city and like laughing and at like owner and being like all right

and then just absolutely getting butt fucked and then being like, yeah, we're not going to give you any spots.

And then the second I got comfortable at like two clubs, all these other, and I didn't care.

Right.

That's why when people are like, how did you get in here?

And you're like, I don't know.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I honestly fell into it.

I felt because it doesn't make any sense.

And then when there was a time where people are like, you got to, you got to hang out at the clubs.

And as soon as I stopped preening at the bar,

or like, remember, I remember being like new JFL new face auditions and being like, I should probably stick around and like

Robbie.

I need to see what they think about my shit.

How it's flowing out.

And then they go, good set.

And then they walk away and you go, dude, I remember Joe and I going to like, he was auditioning for Montreal and Joe and I going to like three different bars with groups of people because the Montreal people were going there.

And then kind of like preening across the, like, you know, like you get so embarrassed for yourself, but you just feel your body language, like

kind of seeing what they're doing.

Like laughing like that.

Oh,

I never thought about it like that.

Side-eyeing while you're laughing.

Oh, boom.

Beauxuit.

Beautiful.

Sorry, I speak a little French.

It's probably pretty helpful in Montreal.

Oh, Sava.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

They're getting you like hockey or something.

I don't know.

Dude, and then the second that you're like kind of a dick to them, they're like, Do you want to do Montreal?

And you're like, Yeah.

Right, the first JFL that I did my audition and I

immediately felt like I was sorry to interrupt, but just for laughs is a comedy festival and it was a big deal to get new faces.

It's a big deal.

And then I also stopped doing this.

Uh, the fan, do you, do you ever do this for JFL?

Uh, I'm sorry.

I don't know if I can go on the family vacation because I might get callbacks.

Dude, it's so embarrassing because I missed out on so many great personal moments of just being connected with my family for a possibility.

I might get to go to Broadway at 7 p.m.

on a Thursday and fucking bomb in front of two canucks that don't give a fuck about my career because I'm not heavily managed.

And then when they just tell you that, they go, by the way, it's all rigged.

It's all managers and agents.

And then we give unrepped to the people that we think are funny.

And you're like, oh, cool.

Well, that fucked me up.

Thanks for fucking up my last five years.

But I mean, that's like,

that's kind of what that whole thing is, is like acting like, you know, you're like, I'm going to wait.

I'm going to wait.

I remember

when I auditioned for, we both, by the way, that was 10 years ago.

We both got so close to getting SNL.

Oh, yeah, I got.

Yeah.

You submitted a writing packet.

They told me I got.

It like in the final draft and then never again have I ever been in the circle.

That was me and you.

We were both.

I know.

And I wait.

I'm like, can I use that as a credit?

Yeah, that's

pretty fucking close to getting a writer on SNL.

And it's so sad to try to lightly bring that up in conversation to your mom's friends.

What are you up to, Sarah?

And you go, I got pretty close to getting SNL in 2014, but they went with...

Pete Davidson and a guy that I think's out of the business now.

So

right.

But, dude, I mean, we would have been miserable with her.

Both of our personalities gone.

I still would like, I wish, but I just really don't see them opening the portal up to a 46-year-old woman.

No, you and I are both cooked.

There's no way.

I would have to go on there to play exclusive grandpa roles now.

I know.

I'd play Marcelo's Abuelo.

What's a grandpa in Spanish?

Abuelo is grandpa.

What's grandpa?

I don't know.

I would just be dressed up as his abuela.

Right.

Now it's gender normal.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, how does the Spanish language maneuver this new day and age?

Grandpa, grandma.

Hi, Jai Jai.

All the different genders.

Yeah, they're,

it was 2014, I screen tested, but I was doing a show with, I was writing a cartoon with Brian Tucker.

Yeah.

And you submitted and I was like, my friend Sarah submitted.

And then he read your packet and he was like, she's fucking awesome.

And I was like, right?

And I don't know why I didn't get it.

I'll tell you why.

Let me know.

And you're going to know.

The second I say this, it's true.

It's because we both daydreamed about it happening.

And that's what you never do.

You never count your money.

You never spend the lotto money before you win the lotto.

And we were, I don't know about you.

I was spending that lotto money in my head.

That's why it's so funny when people are like, dream boards.

I'm like, dream boards?

Yeah.

Your vision board could suck a fat one.

It's definitely not working.

Your dream board should be everything you don't want.

Yeah, like cancer.

Right.

And like

an IRS audit, you know?

And then you're like, yeah, I kind of avoided all these things because I

everything that I've like ended up getting was inadvertent and not because I tried hard to get into it.

It was this, I got everything I've gotten in the same way that a friend gives me a drink at a party where they go, hey, I got you this.

And you go, oh, thanks, man.

Yeah, it's never

back to life.

No one's ever like, congrats, you made it to the next level.

Like, I've never had that moment.

I got one call, the SNL year, where I did the live

UCB.

Yes.

Which I should have just done stand-up.

But my agent at the time was like, no, they really want you to see you do characters.

You should never listen to other people.

They're naysayers.

They're also, they don't know, you know how you're the funniest.

Right.

And they were like, what you're the most comfortable with, too.

And I do voices in my act.

So it's not like you're not going to see me not do voices.

Exactly.

But

I got the call and they were like, they're going to, they want to see you at 8H.

Like they want to see you at like screen test.

And I remember being like, but this is why I brought that up, why it fucked up something.

The same way that you're like, I can't go on that family vacation.

I might get a call back.

I did the screen test.

And then they were like, for two weeks, they're like, Lauren could call you at any moment.

What is that?

So I just kept being like, no.

I know.

And you're like, every unknown number, you're answering, and it's like, just like some telemarketing bullshit.

What you thought about Chase Banks?

New Discover.

Dude, and then it's so funny, like waiting for two weeks and then just having Pete Davidson apathetically tell you he got SNL.

And they don't even want it.

Yeah, that's exactly what he said to me.

They don't even want it.

He goes, I got SNL and I don't even know if I want it or whatever.

Yeah, I've just been obsessively checking my phone, but that's totally fucking cool, dude.

Ever since I was a little girl,

the first time I watched SNL, like that's all I ever wanted.

Yeah, and those people go like, oh, I wanted to do workout videos, but they gave me Saturday Night Live.

I'm like, I'm making sketches.

I'm doing, making, playing pretend in my basement and shooting videos.

And then they just give writing packets to people that I would read articles.

And they're like, I've never written a sketch in my entire life.

Hey, honestly.

And then they would get, I remember reading that about Hannibal Beerus.

Oh, Hannibal?

Yeah.

He's like, I never wrote a sketch, so he didn't write any, like, nothing would work.

And then they promoted him to 30 Rock.

And I was like, I don't understand how sketched to a 30-minute pilot.

That's crazy.

Where they go, like, you know what?

You're on.

He goes, I don't even want to be here.

They go, it's what we've been talking about.

And he goes, that, god damn it, you're going to be one of the top writers on Tina Faye's greatest work.

Yeah, it was,

it is a thing where he just like called me.

It was like, I don't even know.

And you're like,

that's great.

You know what reminds me of?

That's great.

You know the Tyrese?

Have you ever seen the Tyrese video where he's crying?

Yeah,

I'm so happy for you.

I always think of that.

I always think of that when I thought of that exact situation because I had to be like, cool, man.

And I did Daydream because I thought I was like, dude, imagine if I'm working with Talamar

and Michael Che because Che was going back from the DVD show that year.

And like Che and Michelle Wolf helped me with, because she was writing at Seth Meyers.

Yes.

They helped me with my audition.

And they were both like, this is really funny.

Like, this is all good stuff.

stuff and they're blowing you up you know like oh you're in dude i think

i even think

i'm not going to completely say this true but i do remember uh me doing a thing with che of like what if we shared an office

and then that two weeks of checking your phone you're like nope nope nope nope and then pete's like huh do you want to play madden also um i got a sad out whatever

oh and then yeah all right do you ever have you ever like complimented or like congratulated somebody and you just feel like the way you congratulate someone and you don't mean it because you're just riveted with your own jealousy?

Like,

that's great.

Yeah, I'm so,

that's so cool.

Well, that's how I always felt when fucking Louie started loving all my friends.

Yeah, yeah.

Where I'd be like, oh, one of the greatest of all time.

And then he would like, he treats Joe like a son and he treats me like Joe's friend that he doesn't like

you know where he's like he's like there's my boy my beautiful boy you got

like what about me

I just I just did a pretty good job mr.

CK and he's like I love you but then you go to therapy and you realize it's all my dad it has nothing to do with it has nothing to do with that ginger fuck

that fucking ginger genius it has everything to do with the fact that my father goes there's a happy hour across town and I'd rather hang out with that than you and you're like and now I get it well I always laugh because I feel like Joe collects a lot of father figures, even when we're on vacation.

So funny.

Like we went to an Airbnb in Wales and he, like, the guy was so nice.

And I'm like, oh, it's so funny that you've made him your dad.

That's so funny.

I fucking love that.

It's really sweet, but so he just collects father figures all over wherever we go.

Joe,

I would like to talk to you on the porch.

I'm just sitting out there.

Oh,

you know,

life can be hard, Joe.

And he goes, now, Joe, you're a good climber.

I've seen it in you.

You want to go up here out of the hill?

And Joe goes, I have a main daddy now.

I have a main daddy and I have a boss daddy.

I have a whale daddy.

And then Steve's just sitting there like, good job.

Dude, it's Steve's silent.

Dude, I love Steve.

Steve can fucking play billiards, though.

Yeah, he can.

Good luck.

Run up on Joe's dad trying to play pool.

Get your fucking shit pushed in.

I love dads.

There's a lot of dads, like you go over to their house and they're just like, all of a sudden they're just doing yard work.

Yeah.

You're like, I know what you're doing.

Or I loved going to when I had soccer practices when I was a kid and there would just be like a parking lot of dads listening to sports radio.

Just talking about the fucking not watching their daughter, but they're like, I'm here, aren't I?

And you're like, but not really.

But are you?

He goes, I just heard about Warren Moon coming back to the Houston Oilers.

And she goes, I scored the hardest goal of my life.

Yeah.

And everyone lifted me on their shoulders.

And

you were calling 9.95 a.m.

to say that the fucking Astros are pieces of shit.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I get that.

I like going to do yard.

If I were an old man with kids, I would go tinker.

Well, that's what, like, sometimes if we have people over and it gets overwhelming, all of a sudden I'm like, I'm going to do the dishes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's so funny because it's also, and for you bonfire fans that are still with me,

Big J would do that when they would have threesomes,

which I think is so funny.

I can't, that never leaves my head about him filling up ice trays while they're trying to get into it.

He's like, all right, this is going on.

So it is.

Because he just wants to do the easy part.

Yeah, he just wants to come in and be like, what are you guys?

Dude, he said that.

He said he lays on the videos.

What are you guys doing?

It's so funny.

It must take forever to get a threesome going.

I bet you it takes like,

to me, it feels like it would take two hours to get the threesome going.

What do you think would be?

Because even a twosome in the beginning, it's like the guy is hanging out with me for eight hours.

I mean, I would even because we don't know how to initiate.

I would argue, even if you go farther into your relationship, it becomes a thing where you're like, well, she heard me violently shit this morning.

So how do I walk up and go, Lemmy and the booze?

What do you think is harder to start?

A fire from scratch or a a threesome?

Probably.

Depends on the tools, what you have.

A threesome.

I would probably, I would, I think I would be the third Mike in the threesome.

100%.

Just coming in.

I would be supporting.

I honestly feel like I would be like

not confident enough.

We're going to be like, what are you ladies doing here?

Or I'd be like looking at, I'd be like, is this cool?

I'd be like checking down too much.

I'd be checking down to Katie.

I'd be like, is this, what What is?

And then this other girl would be like, do you guys even want to hear?

And I go, honestly, no.

No.

We were actually going to watch a DVR show.

But I do like the two of you sucking me like a mama dog.

That's great.

But I

don't know.

We got an episode, 9-1-1 Lone Star that we're looking to sink our teeth in.

And they go, Did you, have you found?

Where did you do that?

They're talking about their nails.

Or they go, I thought Ramona on Real Health Service in New York.

They're just laying there naked.

So are we going to have hot time action, hot action, hot time fuck?

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Yeah.

Stop.

Count your hours.

Do you, when you go back to Texas, are you just like, because, you know, I saw you visiting.

Yeah, I visit quite a bit.

Is that Marty's first time back?

No, he's gone back.

I think that's his third time.

That must be his third time.

Are you getting better with it?

That was my my first time going by myself okay uh jokes come it was better than i thought i was gonna i didn't know you didn't cry and i was gonna tell you this as

your friend i didn't know if i should wait for you to get off the plane to help with the uh oh no it's fine but i wasn't expecting that okay yeah yeah yeah but i had that just to let you know i just know with comics you guys want it it's early you want to get to the hotel you know you want to relax.

You want to get into our kennel and fucking step in our little mulch.

So, you know, and I know what guys do to the hotel first.

Every clown.

Every clown has to de-venom the second they get to a town.

All right.

Or else your life's going to get fucked up.

Right.

And now I'm going to all these places where you can't even watch porn anymore.

Right.

Utah.

Specifically, my last two road dates were Utah.

Did Houston get rid of?

Dude, Houston.

That's so weird.

We had a lot of huge megaplex porn

where they're if you go you know the big churches the big evangelical ones yeah whenever you see those

guaranteed half a mile away is a porn megaplex

and they're they were they're pretty huge

i was trying to think that's not a coincidence yeah

they go god i love you i'm gonna go paint a wall

i'm gonna fucking wait till you i'm gonna slime a whole fucking little private room room.

That's wild.

Honestly, my eyes are going to start

when I'm on the road now.

I'll be like, mega church, there's got to be a jerk off important

somewhere.

Because I remember when I lived in Houston, when I was doing stand-up, I had tried to do a bit of like the big megaplexes, how sad it was to put out the small mom and pop.

Yeah.

Just a family that cares about guys flinging nuts.

There you go.

Something our family has always cared about.

Generational 100 years of just ball emptying service.

And this Jeff Bezos of porn.

Son of a bitch, this New Yorker comes in here.

They don't even know what kind of porn we like to jerk off to in these parts.

I know what all of my clients like to jerk off to.

When Mr.

Sanderson comes in here, he's going to...

When Joel Osteen comes in.

When the right hand of God.

I told Miss Pat this, but it's true.

When I saw Joel Osteen in the the lobby of Sirius XM, he had the most security I've ever seen with a person.

Really?

He immediately made me go like.

They're loaded.

They didn't, when it flooded really bad, the really big flood that happened.

Oh, I remember.

He did not.

Mattress Mac let everybody just stay on his furniture.

Yeah, like with Abrams, who's that Texan guy that's no longer there?

He's very nice.

I forgot.

I always want to call him JJ Abrams, but it's not him.

Oh, the guy that made.

He's very charitable.

Yeah, Cloverfield.

Not the director of Cloverfield.

No, they

Osteen eventually opened his doors.

Yeah.

But after an insane amount of pressure.

Right.

Where everyone was like, so people can't come into your giant megachurch.

Why?

And he's like...

Well, they were flooded.

There's just stuff.

There's nothing funnier to me.

I know this is a little dak, but there's nothing funnier to me than when someone absolutely does something crazy fucked up and then they get in trouble.

Like that guy in, I think it's eastern Tennessee during the hurricane, he works at a plastics factory.

And this is new.

I've been following this story where he told his employees they have to come in

the day of the hurricane.

Five of them got washed away like dead.

12 might have and they found five.

Yeah.

But like and then he made this video that is fucking wild where he's like one of the guys that died was a friend and you're like okay and he goes so

this really like his energy is like

this ain't on me right but i'm i'm getting ahead of it yeah and then everyone's like you're a piece of shit yeah

mind-blowing when someone doesn't realize they're about to head into a pr nightmare i love that though me too god do i love a shit storm Americans love a shit storm.

I live for a shit storm.

Even saying it, I'm like, who's going to fuck up next?

You know what my favorite shitstorm was the

Felicity Huffman

college scam because I was like, oh, this is the scandal that America needs right now.

Rich people getting coached.

No one's hurt.

No one's hurt.

No one's hurt.

It's just, you just, you're seeing shittiness in a person.

That you expected and you knew was there so you feel validated it's i knew they were shitty yeah yeah as my therapist loves to say it confirms your reality where you go yeah

you fucking suck and i knew you sucked because i feel like everyone wants that right now yeah just give it give it to us but there that's why like everyone's so happy about the diddy thing and that's why like 50 cent is like i fucking told told you.

I know.

There is something satisfying about that guy because he was always a piece of shit.

And no one has mentioned, do you remember when he was doing the making of the band?

Yeah.

And he made them walk over the Brooklyn Bridge to get them Junior's cheesecake.

And then they came back and he had just gone.

Yeah.

Choppa was not happy about that.

If I remember correctly.

Yeah, one of them.

Choppa was real pissed.

It wasn't dialogue.

It was Choppa.

But it's so funny.

Shout out, Choppa.

I hope you're good.

I I hope your money's right.

I know.

It's so wild where you're like, we wouldn't let that behavior fly now.

No.

Like, I like in Diddy's Defense, which is not going to be the title of this episode.

In Diddy's Defense, that was a time where reality shows needed shit like that.

Where they needed you to go on.

It was like the time of Fear Factor.

It was all that going on.

Fame-hungry whores.

prove it yeah it was them actually if you think about it it was them taking what they always used to do behind the scenes yes and and dressing it up for the public it was the the cheesecake was the lube yes was the baby oil follow the cheesecake

it goes all the way to the top until there's a thousand bottles of baby lube staring right at you which were drugged the lube was drugged was it really oh because it goes and your capillaries are so open down there.

Can I just say

how

much

do famous people love fucking sleeping people?

I've never.

You don't have time.

I want pushback.

We just talked about how long it takes to do a threesome.

That's why?

Because they're efficient.

Okay, I didn't think about that.

There's no time.

Boop, boop, boop.

Okay, I'm going to go through.

Doop, doop, doop.

That's how they get their numbers.

They go, sex buffet, they're all asleep.

They've been pure.

But like, I need someone looking at me.

I need someone.

Right.

Call me old-fashioned.

I need a conversation to stimulate.

I like noise and hearing.

I like an audio.

I like a visual.

I need compliments.

I don't think I'd be like.

After like a couple, I'd be like, hey, hey,

hey.

Trying to wake them up.

Yeah.

Soder was never invited back to the P.

Diddy party because he kept waking everyone up.

Just get a flashlight.

I don't understand.

Now they have those high-end sex dolls.

Just use those.

Like, I don't understand.

Before they download AI and crush your penis in their robots.

Right, right.

And take all your data and then sell it to insurance companies.

And you crushed my penis and my socials

on the dark web.

You smoosh my wiener like a little worm.

Genetic background.

They go, he has an allergy to Aska Washkin Jew or whatever.

You are 72% Scandinavian and have an allergy to scallops.

Also, I'm going to crush your wiener.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

You're mine now.

Thank you.

Thank you.

This is a third robot.

Good luck getting her into it with your crushed wiener.

But Diddy's, I keep, I was talking to Katie about this before the podcast, but.

I'm so fascinated by it.

Diddy's kids released a statement today.

How many does he have?

Seven.

And they were bad.

Six of them are on the joint.

Six of them are on the joint statement, which goes, where's Siete?

Where's

the

Siete's hoping for Daddy?

Diddy's dead.

Daddy's coming out.

He goes, Dad, come on.

Can't stop Overstop.

You promised.

Put me on the wheel.

Oh, bad boy for life.

You promised it.

You said it over and over, and I fucking believed it.

But they said, like, all these lies.

By the way, they're not wrong.

Some of the stuff, they're like all these conspiracy theories going on.

There are some wildlife.

Like the underground tunnels of LA, do you think that's QAnon-y?

Yeah.

And I think, well, here's the thing.

I also think, and this is just where we're at as a society.

Right.

I think QAnon's gone a little mainstream.

I think it's like...

Are they that wrong, though?

Not.

I kind of, because of all the conspiracy theories.

And I know you're deep in the podcast right now and you go, are we watching Schoder and Sarah become QAnon?

QAnon?

But the more these stories come out, you're like, but are they wrong?

Yeah.

Well, here's the thing.

It's Tom Hanks.

It's similar to the Adam and Eve thing where you go, is this an allegory for famous, wealthy, mean people?

Right.

Or are they actually eating children's fear

parts of their brain?

Sometimes I think like in the Diddy situation, they don't realize they've crossed over into sex trafficking.

Well, because that's actually brilliant.

Because I think sometimes you don't realize how easy you can sex traffic somebody.

Can I just say you just unlocked something for me?

Because I've watched people I know get very famous and the more rich and famous they get, the less no's are around.

It's all right.

There's a lot of blackface around Halloween a few years ago where you're like, you need to fire your team.

Yeah.

Who's saying that's okay?

Because they just go, it's awesome, dude.

Right.

It's awesome.

But there was a guy where Diddy's like, I got this idea for baby oil, but it's got like GHB in it.

And someone goes, well, that's pretty inventive.

Right.

Well, look at you.

And no one goes, dude, that's a rape.

Yeah.

You're raping people.

That makes sense because baby oil, you want to get relaxed in the massage.

So you GHB.

And then you wake up and you go, shit hurts.

I wonder if Bill Cosby is like impressed.

If what?

Bill Cosby's impressed with Diddy.

Now that's how you set up an operation I was over here dinking and diving in the drinks not having them rubbing and dubbing in the bathtub he's like him and his smoky eye dude the meeting of Diddy and Cosby goes Padwan he's the emperor

he's like yeah I remember

give him to your rape

Give in to the dark side.

Yeah, dude, that is wild.

You wonder if that, if they're like Shaolin monks.

Yeah, like, nice.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Whoa.

I did.

Dr.

Cosby,

you're going to want to see this.

And he shows it.

So he was raping at the parties with the giant beds.

Damn, I didn't do it.

Hugh Hefno would have been on board.

Yeah, dude.

You do wonder which sick people in Hollywood go like.

God, that's an operation.

Impressive.

Yeah.

Well, it's also like sometimes I want, like, he obviously had employees.

And I'm like, what I could actually see myself

being an employee and not kind of realizing what's going on.

I'll see.

Not to rationalize.

I like to think I was on the right side of history, but you're just like, there's no way people are that

demonic.

I absolutely could see that.

I will see your employee and I'll raise.

People let employees get away or employers do the craziest shit.

Dude, I would absolutely be a P.

Diddy employee that is cussing under my breath while I'm making a giant silk bed for 40 people.

And I'm like talking shit about other co-workers

and never have any heat for Diddy.

No.

Like never have like, yo, this fucking sick fuck being like, hey, Enrique, corners.

We got to grab the corners.

Talk.

I'm like, this fucking guy, Enrique, he's always fucking late or whatever.

I know.

I think P.

Diddy like had sex with the sleeping Justin Bieber.

Dude, I'm just trying to get paid.

I don't know, dude.

I set up the tripods for all the cameras.

I know.

Can I go home?

I was like, exactly.

And then...

I want to go play PlayStation.

I just needed a job.

I just want to go down to cookies.

I don't ask the questions.

I don't know, dude.

I was told it's a music video.

I wanted to, like, I asked him to sign my mace

album.

I had a mace album to Harlem World.

And then, like, he signed it.

That's cool.

I don't know, dude.

Yeah.

Just be like, did you work for Diddy?

He goes, I don't know, man.

I know.

It's because I've worked 10 jobs and I remember like this one girl was trying to start a coup in our temp, meaning like they need to pay us more.

And I'm like, dude,

I don't give a shit.

You go, what are you doing?

You're gonna get us all killed.

I'm like, I'm just, I'm just unloading these boxes from Target.

Why aren't those characters in the bio movies where they go like, we need to change, bro?

We got to change.

And they go, no, we don't.

It's not worth it.

Brother, I got four more hours and I'm clocking out.

Right.

I've wear, when you try to change for the good in corporate America,

you're getting fired and you're not even a martyr.

Yeah, go fist fight the ocean.

Because that's what you're doing.

You can punch waves all you want.

Corporate America ain't changing a goddamn thing for you, dipshit.

You're not a Maverick.

Like, they hate Mavericks.

There's no swelling of inspirational music.

No.

I think about this because Zara, the clothing company, every few years, like for some reason, they didn't think that a blue and white striped shirt with the yellow star would cause

where you're like, there's a team.

There's a hundred people that this is going through.

Not one person saw Schindler's list.

You're telling me an Academy Award-winning film.

Not one of you guys saw it.

Not one person in Europe

in Europe knows about the Holocaust.

Or there's just a really funny guy that they don't take seriously where at the meeting he's like i could have gotten three more with that shit three more they go are you quoting oscar schindler and you go yeah oh we're not gonna put these shirts out are we yeah yeah and then that guy gets like demoted yeah they go you know what steve everything's a funny negative i don't need your negative naysaying around here you called it the dachau you called it the dachau shirtline You guys didn't notice this?

You thought Auschwitz summer shirts were like a thing that we're going to go.

And they go, you know.

Yeah.

And then they do the rest.

Instead of going, ah, we fucked up.

We didn't listen to this guy.

They go, At Zara, we want to learn more from our customers.

Now we have to do charity for a week.

We have to work in a soup kitchen.

Oh, my God.

To right the wrongs of our Holocaust shirt that we put out.

But they just put on another shirt.

It was like in the kids' section of strawberries, and it's about like tasting the sweet fruit or something.

And which, by the way, is QAnon wrong is q anon wrong is q anon wrong is qnon i just want to ask this question when they have a shirt for children and it says the sweet taste of innocence

when it says a juicy yeah crack me open i'm full of adrenochrome

all i'm saying is is yeah is QAnon wrong?

That's all I'm asking.

Watch us get completely demonetized And they're like, yeah, you're off YouTube.

I don't know what you guys are pushing.

You're like, it's sad dire.

Or people come up to me after shows and they go, brother, I got literature.

And you go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, we're kidding.

Surface level.

Surface level.

All jokes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did he guilty?

It's like, allegedly.

You are the best.

Always fun.

Hanging.

Hanging out.

This is my first time on the pod.

Yeah.

Guys, this is my first time.

Don't look for other episodes.

Do not search it because it's not there.

First time long time um the special butthole money is out now on youtube on youtube my favorite name of a special

business idea what can i tell you the algorithm i got shut down by hbo because i wanted to call my hbo special in 2019 butt munch hbo has like incest rape

q and on wrong

but go watch butthole money on youtube because it and you know let her know that let her know that we sent you and write is QAnon wrong in your comment section is gonna be like is QAnon wrong and you're like dude I think Talamosh is like in it

she's all the way to the right Joe Joe's just all the blinks come back and he goes did you get fucking did you put my fucking the mother of my child in QAnon I'm like nobody we're fucking kidding yeah you're fucking kidding well so

You're juggling a lot.

Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family?

And now you're thinking about grad school?

That's not crazy.

That's ambitious.

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