60: Never Open the Package with Nick Mullen | Soder Podcast | EP 58

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San Diego, February 28th, Los Angeles, March 1st, and San Francisco, March 2nd.

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I will see you in 2025.

And then other cities, don't worry.

We're coming.

We're putting it all together.

But California, you're up first on this theater tour.

I'm very excited about this.

Again, February 28th, I'll see you in San Diego.

March 1st, Los Angeles, and March 2nd, San Francisco.

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We just jump in.

We don't do like an intro, but Gladiator 2 to me seemed like

they just copy and pasted Gladiator 1.

Well, that's what I mean.

Well, that's my point is that Hollywood, like, they'll do something big like that, but they're not actually taking risks because their idea of a sequel now is the first movie, but it's a son.

Yeah.

You know, and

they really are just junioring every movie where they're like, and in retrospect, it's like, you know, you can say the Star Wars prequels are shitty, but at least there is a creative impulse.

Yeah, they try.

They're doing, let's do it.

Well, you know, with the Star Wars.

The Star Wars sequels are, I go there and I'm like, what is, are we just checking boxes?

You know, that's

you brought up a good point because also, I think what happened is they tried,

they did try with episode one, two, and three to be like, we're going to tell you how Anakin becomes Darth Vader.

That was all you knew.

So you just, they got to fill in everything else creatively.

Right.

But then they took such a risk on one with Jar Jar Binks and that shit, and it failed that you saw them be like,

I wouldn't say that.

Commercially, it didn't fail.

Yeah, I would not say critically it failed.

And I think that hurt their ego.

Because people are looking for too much from Star Wars.

That's what it is.

It's like,

I think if you go back now, with fresh eyes, you watch all those movies, the prequels stand out as the best ones, including with the exception of, I'd say, Phantom Menace is better than A New Hope.

When was the last time you watched it?

Really?

You're saying one over four?

There's a Star Wars nerd that just punched through.

Well, whatever.

Well, no, he didn't.

He broke his wrist on drywall.

When was the last time he watched A New Hope?

I would probably say over 15 years ago.

It is a terrible movie.

Like the first time I haven't gone by TBS and watched it for a little bit.

But the original Star Wars,

I think it's because it's like that came at the end of a decade.

I mean, like, people weren't watching movies where people were in space.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, it's like, oh my God, they're in space.

What are they doing up there?

Yeah.

And they're breathing?

Yeah.

And they also said it was a long time ago.

You watch it now and it's like, oh, let's go buy some droids.

Hey, this one's got a thing in it.

Like, what the hell is this?

There's a guy we got to find.

Oh, it's, oh, there he is.

There's the old guy.

Oh, by the way, you're a Jedi.

What's that mean?

Here, I'll show you.

But don't you?

There's a sword.

And then it's like, oh, yeah.

I mean, it moves like that.

But in the the seven it's like a summary it's like a like a an emotionless summary of what you remember star wars being i liked it because i saw it when i was five yeah you know what i mean well yeah and you like the idea that the good guy yeah is like uh humble yeah than like a good person now did it they want to make sure try to do the same thing with episode one yeah you can't you're like oh yeah i understand like the gunguns have some sort of thing there's more going on there you're like why does jar jar why does jar jar like they kind of they go oh because he's an idiot What was he supposed to be?

What race is Jar Jar?

What is it?

Caribbean.

I mean, yeah, is that what it was?

Yeah.

Yeah, they just made it.

So what?

Yeah.

Like, so, like, that's, you know, and that's the thing.

It's like after, now that Daniel Penny's been let out of jail.

Yeah.

You know, the subway vigilante.

The subway murder is

let out of jail.

I think that's like sort of a referendum on the last like 10 years.

This is what I'm seeing in a lot of conservative spaces are saying, in a good way, it's open season on black people.

Going back to how it was

because daniel penny daniel daniel penny getting out and trump re-elected you got

guys we get full full r reinstation we got a little crazy giving black women jobs in cheerios commercials but now

we made him put uh rockets in space in the movies we got to take it back well star wars episode one well what's wrong with jar jar being caribbean that's no i don't have a fucking problem exactly so it's i just think it's funny that everyone hated him so much and you watch it and he's such like a nothing character yeah i mean he's fun but people flipped out better than c3po yeah that

yeah let's let's do role reversal okay star wars 1977 for new hope comes out right sure instead of chewbacca it's jar jar binks

and he talks more like lando where he's like hey he's not caribbean yet he's like hey

his name is domino and he's got gold teeth domino binks yeah yeah

and he does a lot of sucking hats he does a lot of sucking through his teeth yeah yeah where he goes that's a process that's that's han solo's friend right yeah where he goes this is jar jar don't call him by his phone 20 years later you know what's crazy to think that the time frame in between gladiator and gladiator 2 was the same as episode 4 and episode 1 yeah yeah but they did not wow that just like blow

well gladiator 2 did you ever see um did you ever see saints of newark the sopranos movie i did it It was horrible.

Oh, really?

It was horrible in a way that if you never watched the Sopranos, none of it made sense because they would do stuff like fan service of like referencing things where they'd be like, you never had the making of a varsity athlete.

But if you don't watch the Sopranos, you don't know why they say.

Well, the performances in the Sopranos are so good, and they had so much.

I mean, they had six seasons to build like the subtlety of these relationships, learn how to work with each other.

It's like, I can't imagine that you'd be able to recapture that in just a movie with these, you know, in 90 or however long.

It was like two hours.

Oh, yeah.

And it was all, they cast them to look like them.

Yeah, I mean, that's how Gladiator 2 felt to me.

That Soprano is like

White Caps fight, you know, the fight from the White Cap scene.

It's like, you know,

these people have been working together for very long, you know, for years to be able to do that.

And then the movie, they were like.

make it quick.

But that's how Gladiator 2 felt.

Gladiator 1, they did a good job of building up why Joaquin Phoenix was angry.

You like understood that he got looked over by his dad.

He kills his own father.

You just see how evil he is.

So by the time you get to the point where Maximus is in the arena, you're like, well, I like Maximus.

Fuck this.

This Gladiator 2, they're like, these two guys are kind of gay.

Yeah.

That was what they did with the...

They're kind of gay.

One of them's mentally ill.

Yeah, they're like, one's gay, one's gay and retarded.

Yeah, right.

And he's mean.

Yeah, and then it kind of like, what's what frustrated me about it is like the first Gladiator movie is like, you know, it's, it's like sort of,

I wish I could come up with a better word than childish, but it's

gladiator one.

It's like, you know, it's this guy and he's in the army and he's loyal and then he's betrayed.

Good boy.

He's betrayed by a coward and then he has to, you know,

he pushes through.

And, but it's like a, it's, it's, it does no real analysis of the problems in Rome other than like, oh, there's this, oh, he's already the emperor.

He's the guy.

Marcus Aurelius is already the emperor.

He's like, you know what I would love to do?

Not now, but, I mean, he's like Joe Biden.

Where He's like, I'm going to stay the emperor, but once I'm dead, then no more.

Then let it go.

No more emperors.

We give it back to the people.

But for now, I'm still.

They should have made him like Biden.

We're going to give it back to the Senate.

He goes,

oh,

hey, Maximus, you're strong.

Yeah.

You know, my friend,

corn pop.

Right.

You fought him in the little arena.

Emperor Biden, you just killed everyone in Gaul.

How do you feel about that?

Check it out.

I got a Stingray church.

Ah, pretty cool.

He goes like the the episode.

1967 Chevrolet Church.

You like ice cream?

Watch me eat ice cream.

Yeah.

This is Phoenician piss.

We sacked it.

That was a delicacy.

Yeah, really?

Phoenician piss?

We sacked the damn place.

And now I drink it.

I drink it like a lemonade.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah, but you're right.

They didn't have any.

It was

which is good because you don't want to do that.

Because if you wade into this political territory that has any kind of current overlay,

then it complicates complicates the story you're like well people are going to be pulled out of it yeah it's like well this guy's not really he's like he was just this imperialist you know just like conquering all of these lands he's not really a good guy if you want to put it in that context the second one that's what denzel's character is he's sort of like this joker guy that's like why don't i like rome because i was a fucking slave yeah um it's like shoot the skin bro you want to be an emperor because like these emperors suck but you're going to be an emperor you're going to like restore power to the senate to a certain degree but you're going to be the emperor and you're going to have a slave probably like so we're not nobody's talking about slavery at all so denzel's like yeah i want to just kind of fuck up the whole thing yeah burn it all down right yeah basically but also and then

they just kill that guy and it's like you know kind of it's like the same problem as the third batman movie where it's like you can't just give me batman don't try to make any kind of commentary on what's going on yeah i didn't even think about that yeah well batman 3 was like the dark knight rises they're like oh do we have a point for you?

And you're like, I kind of just like the way Batman was fighting his enemies.

Yeah.

Like, that's kind of what I wanted.

I didn't want a Tale of Two Cities.

Right, right.

I wanted like Batman to fight Penguin.

Yeah.

And then the other movie, too, it's like that came out right when like

they were really starting to figure out they were like dialing in all the integration of like digital effects into movies and stuff.

And when you first see the Coliseum in Gladiator 1, it's like, holy shit.

Yeah.

I mean, it's amazing.

You really get a sense sense of like what that must have been like.

Yeah, how giant.

If you were some fucking idiot, you know, in sandals, you know, some guy that was eating dirt sandwiches and now you're up in a room.

And then in this one, it's just like a quick establishing shot.

You know, he's like, oh, he's a slave.

Now here's the Coliseum.

That's what it felt like.

It felt like they just were like taking stuff and being like, remember this?

There it is.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah, yeah.

Like

how slow it took.

uh

Russell Crow to get to the Coliseum in the first one.

He like fought different different levels It did a for our basic brains It was like a workup to the reveal making it worth something and the best character in the movie is what Pedro.

Yeah, and he dies like yeah right away also as someone that had a stepdad You don't forgive that quick Mm-hmm.

He's like I love you.

I love your mom.

I love you.

Well, he wasn't his stepdad.

He never met the guy.

Well, that's the whole point.

But they the way they resolve it is he just goes like I love your mom.

I love Rome.

I love Maximus.

Yeah.

And he's like,

and gets done.

Spoiler alert.

He gets fucking arrowed up.

And then he's like, and then the other guy, the main character, is like, no, I really liked you.

No, dude, I've had a ton of stepdads.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't like him until 20 years after the fact.

Right.

Where you go, Nick was a good guy.

But then that would get into like, you know, too much stepdad politics stuff.

Yeah, that's a whole lot.

In the writer room, they go, we just gotta, we gotta blaze right by the stepdad stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that's what it felt like everything solved itself so quick in the sequel that you're like, this sucks.

That's what I felt like after.

I don't know.

I took my dad to see it.

And I saw the first movie with my dad.

That's a hunt.

Yeah, it was like, it was just nice to take, and he loved it.

I mean, here's the thing: on the surface, it gives you everything you want.

Exactly.

And that's what I mean by they're not like taking risks.

No, they have to.

That's a smart choice, I guess, if you want, you know, audiences to be like, yep, I got everything I was expecting.

Well, they check the boxes.

Yeah, right.

And if an audience member wants his boxes checked, they're going to be fun.

There had been like rumors and iterations of scripts throughout the last 20 years, and it was like, you know, he's going to be a time traveler, and Jesus is going to be be there, and they're going to do all this crazy shit.

I would have preferred that.

Well, that's what I mean.

It's like, but because of, I think it's George Lucas ruined it for everybody with fucking Jar Jar, dude.

Yeah, that Caribbean pimp.

Yeah, right.

Coming in and sucking his teeth.

Looking at like if he dialed it back just a little bit, we'd still be able to have creativity in the big budget movies.

Well, people loved the original.

I think it was the selling of Disney.

I think he sold it to Disney because I watched those.

Aliens, same thing.

Like, I love Prometheus and Covenant.

Me too.

I think they're great.

And when it came out, I like my recollection is that people were shitting on them.

They shit on Prometheus.

They should.

Because they were like, oh, this was an alien prequel, but you didn't give us any alien.

And you're like, they gave it to you at the end.

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah.

But

you understand where the Xenomorph comes from.

Yeah.

That was like, to me, more interesting than anything.

Like, that's why I liked 1, 2, and 3 of Star Wars, because it's interesting to watch how Anakin goes to the dark side.

Yeah.

Prometheus was cool because you learned that, oh, the architects like put their DNA.

The biggest problem I had with the prequels is somehow like

Anakin ages 20 years while his wife is like, yeah, she's like a pedophile, and then he's a pedophile by the last one.

Yeah, that was great.

They really just did a thing between one and two where they go, all right, that was kind of weird in the first one.

What if they fuck now?

Yeah.

They really made it where Anakin was.

I only watched the first of the sequels.

Oh, yeah.

The one with the Adam Driver.

Yeah.

Kylo Ren.

And C-3PO has a red arm in it.

And I was like, why is his arm red?

You know what?

I just realized I confused C-3PO for R2-D2 when you made that point.

C-3PO, you're right, would bug the fuck out of people

if he was in episode one.

Yeah.

If they would have put Jar Jar Binks with R2-D2.

Yeah, they're like, oh, so even the robots got to be gay.

Yeah, that's exactly what...

He's like why he's British.

Yeah.

Oh, a gay British guy, of course.

It's a British movie.

I think they had to have at least 50% homosexual.

They have to have a foppy gay British man in this.

If it's going to be funded well.

Yeah.

That's always funny when you find out movies are funded by other countries.

Like

Israel, like every movie.

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Every movie is an Israeli fun movie.

No, but they did, like when I found out,

Fifth Element was a French movie.

Like it was funded by French companies and stuff.

I remember Shane and I were watching the Meg with Jason Statham.

And

we were maybe like 15 minutes into it.

And he goes, You mean Jason Statham was there?

With Shane, I have to check now.

He goes, you're right, Shane.

That is pretty gay.

I didn't even realize that.

I love Bud Lights.

My best friend, Shane.

Yeah.

He goes, me, Shane, and Brian Six, right?

I've never thought about killing everyone on SNL.

He goes, Shane, what if you go back?

We could go in there.

Assassinate Lauren Moynihan.

We could kill all of them.

All of them.

Bo and Yang.

Yeah, I'll know.

He goes, It's pretty chill.

No, no, I think Bowen's a man, dude.

Yeah, he's the man.

No, dude, he really is the man.

And then he's like, I'm serious.

We murdered him.

Bowen's like, yeah, I heard Jason Statham wants to kill me.

Shane's like, no, Jason's a man, dude.

No, he's the man.

He's not going to kill you.

He's like, no, I'm dead serious.

We're going to go in.

Lauren Michaels is like, that's it.

You're going to host.

Jason Statham thinks he needs to sneak in as a Chinese person.

He's got the Raiden hat.

And the

silk collars.

I'm Bowen's mom.

He goes, it's Mrs.

Yang.

I'm here to see Bowen.

I'm looking for my son, Bowen.

You are not a Chinese woman.

The lady does this.

He's got got the white eyes also.

No.

Me very sorry.

Do you know where the circuit breaker is?

I need to find out where all the power grids are.

I'm drawing a bath for my son Bowen.

Yeah.

Do you have a toaster?

Don't mind the toaster.

He likes to take baths.

I was going to make him a toaster strudel.

For a bath and a strudel.

It's an old Chinese recipe.

It's some Chinese shit.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry, love.

It's some Chinese shit.

He's like,

I think Jason Statham's here to kill Baron again.

He's just leaving it in M5 with Baro in the trunk.

I don't stop only for Orange Gino.

Shane's like, no, no, for real, though.

Statham is the man.

That scene made me want an Orange Gino so bad.

In the Transporter?

Last time I saw you, we were talking about Transporter.

I love those movies.

God damn, they're great.

Rule number 44.

Orange Geno for the movie.

I love his house, too.

Oh, that old French castle.

Oh, right.

At the end of like a dock.

And he has an escape in the bottom.

Yeah.

Transporter,

I think we do need to do a watch along.

Me and you.

Yeah, yeah.

Once you quit, once you're out of the game, I'll bring you back in for one job.

I'm not out of the game.

I think.

No, I'm talking about the podcast.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, if I stop doing my own podcast, the next year I'll still have to podcast to promote road dates.

And then I'm thinking...

Jason Statham.

Well, yeah, no,

you just go hit everybody else's podcast.

That's what I'm saying.

No, but when when you come back here,

in my apartment's racing set up, fucking VR headsets.

I don't have all this shit in there.

Yeah, you can just fucking concentrate on what you want in there.

Right, exactly.

You come back here, plug your shit by watching the transporter with me,

and we go through the rules.

Yeah.

And then we'll put out a book of transporter rules.

You got to tell them the weight of the package.

Yeah.

That's one rule.

One rule is weight in the package, another one.

Never look in the trunk.

Isn't that his rule?

That's it, yeah.

But he breaks it immediately.

Yeah, right.

Never look in the package.

That's what it is.

And then he opens it and realizes it's a hot.

It's a Chinese lady.

And he's like, well, I can't.

I can't let Said.

It's crazy, too.

It's like, there's no way that's the first time that's happened to this guy.

He is clearly a drug addict.

You transport things.

You're a drug addict.

It's drug addict behavior.

He's going like, I'm going to look what's in there.

It's like meth behavior.

He's like, I need to look.

You think I drive 26 hours?

It's the hostages.

Yeah.

I'm working for Hamas.

And I didn't even know it.

That would be fucking sick, dude.

A transporter?

On all the October 7th footage, there was one bald Gaza guy with a BMW.

An untouched M3.

Yeah, right.

What if you found out that this was the new viral marketing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You go, do you know the Israel-Palestinian conflict was I'd be like, I'm wrong, dude.

The dudes know how to do Hollywood.

At the very end, Trump takes office, they release the hostages, and they go, by the way, this was all for Transporter 6.

Right.

And you go,

and then we see the the hostages, like, they're all filing out, and it's like the post-credits.

Yeah, or they, and they do the thing, or they do the old 90s thing where they talk to what they thought about the movie.

Well, the hostages are leaving, and there's like one IDF soldier.

He's looking at like, there's one more hostage that's still turned back towards Palestine.

He's got, like, a hoodie on it.

Yeah.

Like, it's closed.

And he's like, you're coming.

You come,

you come.

It's over.

And then he turns around, and it's Vin Diesel.

Oh, and he takes the

dude.

You know what?

Vin Diesel does really well.

He's taking hoods off.

Yeah, yeah.

He goes, I don't know if you heard this.

I think I lost my keys.

I don't know if you know this, but the West Bank is open for a while.

That's Fast and the Furious 8.

It's him driving a bulldozer through all the southern camps.

To a refugee camp.

He's like, you know what's better than family?

Breaking up family.

Killing people.

He's killing family.

Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, and the Transporter, fast the fast and furious transporter they're all upset because letty can't remember the holocaust yeah

his brain's wiped out

what do you mean never again

what the hell do you mean letty there were six million of them yeah she's like i don't all i know is you're my enemy now yeah i fight you and in short in short contained spaces they never usually that's what fast and furious loves to do is a fight scene that's maybe 10 feet that's all you have to move they love like a a quick yeah they don't like transporter does that shit too oh yeah when he's fighting the guys with the the candelabra yeah that was that dude who wins in a fight Vin Diesel Jason statham I think you I think you have to do characters rather yeah I'm sorry the transporter versus dom the transporter easily versus

Liam Neeson in taking what I don't know what his character is so it's a three-way fight it's a triple threat match well then obviously Liam Neeson because he's going to let the other two guys fight and then

once he sees an opportunity.

Was the answer the whole time?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was just seeing if you knew it.

You know, your shit.

He's over there pissing himself.

I like to fill my diaper.

Yeah, yeah.

Would it be funny if somebody finally asked him this?

Because you've seen all the pictures of him pissing himself.

Yeah, he does that.

Does he do that because he drinks or he does that because he's just.

I think

the rumors he's got the biggest, one of the biggest penises.

I don't think that that's.

It's not like his penis is pulling the urine out of him.

I don't think that that's.

you don't know how the gravity of his cock works.

He's like, oh,

that, well, there's a question for the interstellar consultants.

Yeah, just to go back to the UCLA guy they hired to help write that movie.

He goes, is Liam Neeson's penis so big it pulls piss out of his bladder?

Well, I always like to imagine that in those moments where he's pissed himself, he's remembering

The Haunted.

The movie The Haunted.

The movie The Haunted.

That's how scared he is.

The host was so scary.

Do you understand

when I remember the house?

I'll be on set of anything.

I'd piss out Rob Roy too.

Every day I'd piss myself on it.

Back behind the rocks.

There is a mirror that turns into a guy.

It's terrifying.

And I piss myself every time.

He does.

How many times?

How many pictures?

Have you seen The Haunted?

The movie?

I remember it coming out.

Didn't see it.

Scary movies scare me.

It's a little boy.

It's not that scary, but it's worth it just to see the sets.

They killed it with that.

The house is awesome.

Really?

Yeah, it it looks really cool.

The haunted?

The movie itself is terrible, but the house is great.

And he's just the dad of the family that moves in?

No, no.

So the premise is

there's,

and I confuse it with House on Haunted Hill, but I think it's like, it's similar to the House on Haunted Hill where it's like you spend a night here.

They're doing like...

They're doing research.

Paranormal activity.

The psychologist doing research on like what happens if people stay overnight in this house.

It's for insomniacs or something.

Okay.

So they're like, oh, what if we put insomniacs in a haunted house?

And then...

I might watch this movie this weekend in Sacramento.

Yeah, and then...

That seems like a good road movie.

Yeah, and then the woman that

like she finds out she's like the descendant or some bullshit.

House on Haunted Hill is great.

But the Haunted is a piece of shit.

Except for the house itself.

That's enough for me to watch it.

And Liam Neeson knowing he pisses himself because he thinks of the house.

Yeah.

Is there a like a long like how many times has he pissed himself?

Like it's there's as many pictures of him pissing himself as there are pictures of Vinnie Jones grabbing people's testicles.

Vinnie Jones loves to grab nuts, dude.

There's like when he was a pro soccer player did it when he was a Hollywood actor.

He continues to do it.

Yeah, now he's like trying to rent a car at Avis.

He's like grabbing

what are you doing?

They're like, we don't have any cars.

Yeah, he goes, I'm sorry.

We have the reservation.

Yeah, he's a big fucking dude, dude.

It's going to be right-hand drug.

That's when.

Oh, here we go, dude.

Liam Neeson pissing himself.

Why does Liam Neeson pee his pants so much?

Liam Neeson.

I mean, look at this.

It seems, and it seems, it's crazy because that's a lesser crime, but it seems like it's easier to shit yourself than piss yourself.

Yeah, who is he talking to?

I don't know.

He must be scared.

Yeah.

But they're like...

You know what it is?

You know, he's got his face painted like jigsaw.

Yeah.

He's like, I did it again.

Damn it.

you do a good jigsaw.

Yeah.

I've pissed my pants.

Stop scaring me.

The easiest scared man in the world.

You surprised me again.

Hey, Liam, Boo.

Oh, no.

Oh, it's happening.

Look, look down.

It's happening.

Oh, no.

Could it be that he

is pissing doesn't shake well enough and then puts it away and the piss goes everywhere?

I do that all the time.

Me too.

Yeah, I did that at the stand one time and Katie caught me.

She was like, did you piss?

She was with me.

And she's like, did you piss your pants?

And I was like, oh, yeah.

I think it might have been these jeans because they were light oh yeah and i just had like piss i got a pair of like nike like green like i guess they're for like track pants yeah something like that but they're they have a very absorbent material and just anytime i'm wearing those it's just you just but it's that you don't shake i try to and then i just i guess i'm not done

I'll go through a Pete was like, Pete was like, what you have to do, he's like, you actually have to press up underneath your balls.

And there's, I'm like, I'm not doing it.

I'm just going to piss myself.

Yeah, what is that?

I'm not doing it.

if my if if it doesn't work then it doesn't work that's not my problem dude you're about to you're about to be in a race with liam neeson remote pictures of you pissing i got these like fleece north face pants they were on clearance at uh paragon like last year and those they don't absorb anything so when you piss yourself in those it's like all down your leg you can feel it all over your leg so what it just bounces off yeah it just bounces off the the fibers yeah it's like nah get out it's piss resistant yeah basically And you just have piss running down your leg.

Pretty much.

Dude, because jeans will sop it up.

Jeans,

any little drop of piss.

And every time it happens, you're like, you can feel it.

You're like, ah, maybe it won't be.

It's like stepping in a puddle.

Yeah.

Where you're like, maybe it won't be that.

Ah, it's bad.

Yeah.

And always, it's when you put it away and then you go like, I'm ass pissed.

There's piss going all down my pay.

Yeah, yeah.

I can't fucking take it.

Yeah.

But we just need to be open.

I think Liam Neeson's the way to go.

Just rock it.

Right.

Just walk around with it.

Well, what is the consequence?

Nothing.

Yeah.

Two guys talking about it on a podcast.

Liam Neeson has not lost any work over this.

No.

If anything, it adds to his mystique.

Yeah.

Because you go, he's so good at acting.

Yeah.

He doesn't care that he pisses himself.

You don't associate it with any of the characters.

I don't watch Qui-Gon and think this guy pisses himself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oscar Schindler, I don't think, pisses himself.

Qui-Gon, by the name, would be Jason Sathan's name when he sneaks into SN.

He goes, I'm Qui-Gon Yang.

My name is Qui-Gon Jinn.

Qui-Gon Jin.

And I'm here to see my little baby boy.

That's all right, Qui-Gon.

You're not on the list.

Ah, but you're sure you're Bowen's mother.

Okay.

I've got to get of him this toast of Trudel.

Sounds good to me.

Or he's not going to be good in this sketch.

Also, I'm here because of Shane Gillis.

Yeah.

He goes, no, no.

Did Shane send you?

He's been trying to send an assassin.

Shane's the man, dude.

I love...

He's honestly...

I always said that Lauren Michaels has a relationship with Shane, like a guy who got caught cheating on his wife with a stripper, but he still tries to contact the stripper where he's like, So, how's everything going in Ocala?

You still living your life?

And Shane's like, Yeah, it's pretty cool down here.

He's like, My wife said we could probably open it up, you know, if you want to come back up here and party a little bit.

Have you seen, is he in Philly right now, or is he backed in Austin?

I think he's moving to Austin.

He's back in Austin.

Okay, well, he moved to Austin a while ago, but then he was just in Philly.

They were shooting

seven months.

He lived on a farm.

It was awesome.

Really?

Yeah.

I went up there and saw his farm.

He has a farm?

Well, it's just like a house.

It's like a farmhouse farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.

But there are other animals there?

There were like animals next door.

And someone else's farm.

Yeah, he didn't.

He was a little bit more.

So he doesn't have a farm.

Here's a house with a yard.

A lot of land.

Yeah, but it's a house with land.

But it's a yard.

But it was like a barn.

There was like a barn there.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

I would say he's not a farmer.

Right.

But he had.

It's also not a farm.

It's not a farm.

It's a house.

It's a house.

Yeah.

It's a house with a barn.

It's a little crazy here.

it's a house with a barn and slave quarters i like that when like if you know people some guys like oh i got a compound

it's a house

you know you have a house with a buffer pool yeah you don't have a you're parking your car in the backyard it's not a no you go no dude you don't have where's the fence yeah where are the security cameras where's any of the security yeah i don't see a single swastika anywhere around it's not a camera where are your flags where are your flags you're flying for your enemy

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Also, I re-watched Frequency the other night.

What's that one?

Is that the Jody Foster one?

It's a good Dead Dad movie.

I love it.

That's why I think I know it.

It's the Jody Foster one.

Oh, that's Contact, which is

that's a Dead Dad one, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I know my genre.

And then it's Frequency is what?

Frequency is Jim Caviezo and Dennis Quaid.

And the movie starts, and it's 1969.

Dennis Quaid is like a Queen's firefighter.

Great.

And

he's like the Tom Cruise one where they're like, you know, the opening scene is a gas truck flips over and spills into this like...

Orphanage?

Well, not an orphanage, but like underground where like con ed guys are working on electricity.

Even better.

There's nothing than abandoned babies.

Yeah.

Tough work in America.

So all of this fuel spills into this underground.

And what do they do?

They go, what is it raining?

And the wires are hanging down, right?

Which is very funny because it's like, if you were trapped in an underground passage filled with gasoline, you would just die immediately from the fumes.

Also, the electricity would make the gas blow up.

Immediately.

Yeah, from the fumes.

Yeah.

And so he has to rush into the gas while, you know, like the wires are almost touching as it fills with gasoline.

Were they like, do they do the thing where they like dry hump?

He gets the guys out and then the electricity touches the gasoline and it blows up.

Just in the nick of time?

Right, and then he jumps out of the manhole.

So he's like, and then

he's on his motorcycle.

He loves baseball.

He loves his son.

My boy Johnny, he's going to be a baseball player.

Oh,

I need to watch this.

And then Dennis Quaid, the first couple of scenes, you know, figuring out what a New York accent is.

It's very funny.

He's like, yo, what are we going to do?

We're going to play ball this afternoon.

He goes, ball.

Ball.

we're playing ball this afternoon yeah

with one sentence i'm a firefighter i'm a firefighter i'm a firefighter i'm a firefighter firefighter fire something like just him fucking absolutely melting down trying to find a new cat

i'm a firefighter

i don't got it and then he dials it in but then it's like then it you know uh it cuts to like 30 years basically the premise is jim caviso is his son yeah grown up now his dad dies in a fire and now it's it's 30 years later aurora borealis is happening done and so his neighbor he's still in his childhood home his neighbor brings his son over to borrow some fishing equipment so he's like yeah you can look you know in my dad's stuff i think he's got it in there so the cavizil's grown because

he's still living with his rents no his mom's moved out he's just in the childhood home i tell you i had a friend that did that and it's weird as fuck yeah when they live in their childhood home he it was only brief yeah but him and his wife like lived in the master bedroom and i was like your parents like fucked in there yeah right isn't that weird it is weird to like how do you get a boner but that's what like that's what royalty would do forever right

have sex in the same bed your grandfather yeah yeah yeah made your father and but honestly it's probably a kink for them right yeah they're probably like talk about how great grandpa haven't washed the sheets in 300 years yeah you see that sheen is your grandmama's cum i wonder about that like you know how old people have a smell and i think like is that just what people smelled like in the 30s dude I think you develop it like your old skin is like a different.

I think your old skin, it's almost like a fruit, like you rot.

I read this book about

the Donner party.

Yeah.

And they go out of their way to go.

People stunk back.

The author is like, you have no idea how many bugs

and how much people smelled.

But they also talked about how.

I don't, I don't smell.

I have terrible hygiene and

I can go literally weeks without changing my clothes.

And

you will not know.

Other than the fact that are you sure yes and you other than who's confirmed I'm like covered in like stains yeah but who's confirmed that I'm wearing the same clothes everyone everyone around you goes you don't stink no it'll take a lot for me to really start to stink has there been a moment where you've gone long oh yeah always that's when I change my clothes I'll take a shower and change my clothes honestly it's it's pretty I change my clothes every day you know Kat Ramtinsky right yeah in Austin yeah she's very dumb and she's very gullible yeah and she's great I mean

she's cool but very easy to to lie and trick.

Yeah.

You know, it's like, and so when I lived in Austin, me and Cubis would just like lie to her.

Yeah.

Like tell her a fantastic story.

Like we told her I had you big fisher?

We told her I had a dead wife named Skyla Dust who was stung to death by bees.

And how long did that

she always believed it?

Does she still think you have a dead ex-wife?

I know eventually we were like, you know, because eventually, you know, we'd let her have it for a while and be like, ah, you believe that, you fucking idiot.

Yeah.

You know, we'd bring her over to just laugh at her, I guess.

But how how long did she think you had a dead ex-wife for a while for a while and i was like 20 years old at the time too so what were you it was a child bride no i said on facebook i had my status as widowed i guess because i thought it was funny and then and then

i think it was actually her friend was like can i ask you

like what happened

did you tell

her there it was funny when i did well i told her and cat was there but the the when i moved to new york i had harvard as my education yeah and i forget which comic it was, but somebody told me that another comic was like, that guy's like, he was like a Harvard guy.

Dude, that's absolutely.

By the way, just how you did that is absolutely how everyone talks.

Dude, that guy fucking.

Yeah, I used to just wear, I used to just wear a Harvard shirt.

I remember that.

And fucking, yeah, and people would like, you know, which, and then Jeffrey Epstein, I found out he did the same thing.

Oh, he just lied about it?

Yeah, he would wear a Harvard shirt.

That's how stupid we are.

Yeah, right, exactly.

I remember we, I thought it was funny for a while, and I said this on the bonfire, but for a little bit, I would tell other comedians that other comedians were emancipated from their family.

Yeah.

Like when they were 15.

Yeah.

Like it was specifically Michelle Wolf is who I did it to

at the cellar with somebody.

I go, you know, she's like emancipated from her family.

Yeah.

And you're like, what?

It's very funny.

Yeah, like 15, she like got a divorce.

The same word for slave.

As people say, like 17-year-olds that want to smoke cigarettes.

It's like it's the same

type of oppression.

They go, well, there was a Civil War fought for this emancipation.

And also, Stephen Debbie memes.

yeah no i was wearing that harvard shirt one time and this this like black dude was like oh harvard huh yeah you like you like a big shot or something huh he's like you know i went there too i went there too you know i was like oh i didn't go there i just bought the shirt in the gift shop and it like completely derailed whatever he was trying to do he's trying to like check me or something i was like yeah no you can just buy this shirt and then people think you went to harvard he's like oh i was gonna ask who your

right who your ra was your freshman i think he was like annoyed that i was wearing the shirt because even if you went to harvard that's like a dickhead move to walk around with a Harvard shirt on.

Yeah, that's like I don't think anybody who actually went to Harvard has the clothes.

It's people that went to you can buy it in the fucking airport in Boston.

No, no, no.

People that go to Harvard have the clothes.

They like work out in them.

They like do like what they do is they want the attention, but they're acting subtly about it.

So they're like, they'll play like pickleball in it and be like, Harvard, huh?

He's like, yeah, that's where I got my bachelor's, you know.

They love, they love rocking their merch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's why, that's why he was so fired up about you doing it.

Yeah, but it was.

The people that don't probably hate the people that do.

The tone was very like, oh, yeah, we, you know.

Rep your set, cuz.

Yeah, kind of like that.

He's like, where you from, cuz?

Where your grandma stay?

And you're like,

I was in the Iliad.

You know, the kind of Goodwill hunting.

I was kind of in the basement.

Yeah, I just, I kind of stayed.

I slept on a couch.

Yeah, I was doing like math in the basement.

That's why you couldn't find me.

I was mathing it up in the basement.

There's people, I mean, like, comics love to do that to other comics and be like, yeah, he's only

a janitor in that movie, too, by the way.

Who will hunting?

Yeah.

Because it makes the movie better?

Yeah, but I mean, it's like, I can understand, like, you know, you can be a, all his friends are like blue-collar guys that have like trades jobs, right?

Oh, you think that he took the shittiest job?

Why does he have the shittiest job?

And they all know they're like, oh, he's, oh, this guy's smart.

Yeah, he's wicked, smart.

That's why he's like, he could be doing something else.

He could do something smart.

Do you think it was because he was?

He could have been making like a quarter million dollars a year with like a general contracting firm?

Yeah.

Or he could go get his

apprentice.

He owned a company.

If he went and got his apprentice license and became an electrician, that guy would be pulling in like three.

And then what's his like his drama is that his dad hit him?

He was like one of 10 kids and he was beaten a lot.

But wouldn't that also be all of his friends?

Yeah.

And so, but he's the only one.

Also, was he sexually assaulted in the movie?

By Robin Williams, yeah.

It's like, oh,

oh, you notice how your

penis gets a penny.

It's an asshole.

Now it's a pussy.

Or it could be both.

Oh, look, it's a soft penis.

Now it's a hard penis.

Now I'm making Mr.

Winky disappear into my mouth.

Good morning.

He goes, oh, look, your penis turned into a microphone.

He goes, fucking stop it.

He goes and get rid of it.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm touching you.

You trust me.

We had guys like you in Saigon.

Hello.

They should have.

Should dress them up, make them real pretty.

if someone was i wish they would have gone back and wrote all of the robin williams characters to be continuous so like hudson rush like uh moscow on the hudson they kind of did right every movie he's in they're like there's no script do whatever you want well there's a point where they just let him jazz it around you know what i also re-watched in the last year that i forgot how good it was was death of smoochie i never with edward norton yeah i haven't watched it since that movie's so good Who did that movie?

Who directed it?

I can't remember, but it's very well written.

It's like dark.

It's dark and it's very funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a great, that was like right at the time when Barney was huge.

Yeah.

And it was like a great.

Yeah, and it's such like an inventive.

Do you think Hollywood's completely done doing those movies?

Doing like spending money on stuff.

I think it's like the reason, you know, like 1999 is the big year.

And this is just, I have known nothing about, you know, like what actually caused it, but there was just more money.

They were buying more scripts in the 90s.

They were taking bigger risks.

Like things were making more money.

Yeah.

And then after,

you know, the economy, the downturn in the 2000s, it's like they stopped spending money on things.

Do you think it was bonuses?

What do you mean?

Like, I feel like bonuses got crazy after like 2005.

Like, you used to hear about like

a CEO would get a bonus of like a million dollars.

To a certain extent, I mean, like, private equity is buying up everything, but they've done that with the entertainment industry.

But I thought it was just like the agencies and stuff.

Just taking more money?

Well, just hollowing out the agencies, which like it's very funny when agents are in a bad position, and then if they even like start to complain to you about it, and you're like, oh, man, that sucks.

It's really hard.

A lot of people are getting fired.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

That sounds really hard.

Oh, no.

But anyways, did you get me work?

And they go, well, I'm kind of worried about myself right now.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

I just bought a

Danny DeVito directed Death to Smoochie?

Are you sure he's not just in the movie?

Oh, okay.

50 million buck director DeVito.

Oh, I did not know that.

That's

a great movie.

That's like when you find out Ben Stiller directed Cable Guy.

I want to make a movie about Bonnie,

but I want him dead.

Yeah.

And they're like, all right, it's a movie where Bonnie's gone crazy.

Yeah, but now he does those Jersey, those Jersey Mics commercials.

Oh, Danny.

Oh, dude, that's all.

I thought that was Stav

in in those jersey.

Yeah.

No, dude, Stav's in a...

That's Danny DeVito.

Okay.

Stav's in a fireball commercial with Andrew Santino.

That every time it throws me off.

Whenever my friends are in commercials, Shane's in that Bud Light commercial.

It throws me off.

I have not seen the Shane Bud Light commercial.

The latest one's good, where he's like in the wrong commercial.

He's in the cologne commercial.

Jason Solomon.

They should do a Bud Light commercial with Shane where it's like, and it's with the understanding, like, it's Shane.

I'm the Bud Light guy now.

And everybody's like, high-fiving him.

He's going to football games everyone's like yeah Bud Light Shane Gillis or whatever kid rocks back drinking it and then he gets home from a late day or whatever and then he's like ah it's kind of hot in my apartment so he puts on a house fan or whatever and then he's taking a phone call from Bruce Springsteen yeah he's like walks hey man I just want to let you know what I love Bud Light

Ted Nugent he's like Shane my best friend hey dude let's go hunt and he's like how you doing he's like ah it's just I guess we're getting the heater installed in the farm so it's like or the air conditioner installed in the farm so it's so hot And then Shane walks too close to the house fan, and it cuts his penis off.

Oh, no.

And he's like, I don't have a penis.

How am I going to drink my butt light?

Well, and then he doesn't have a penis anymore.

And the doctors are like, the best option, you're going to bleed to death unless we turn it into a pussy.

Oh, no.

And so they have to turn it into a pussy.

And then, and then

he goes outside of the farm.

Yeah.

The press is all there.

And a gust of wind blows his pants off.

Like a Marilyn Monroe.

Like Marilyn Monroe.

And everyone sees the pussy and they're like, Shane's trans now.

And then, and then people are like, Should we stop drinking Bud Light?

And they're like, No, dude, it's Shane.

And then Dylan Mulvaney.

It's for fucking everybody, including the Trannies.

Bud Light.

Yeah.

And then he puts it up and he cheers.

Yeah, Dylan Mighty.

It's like a black

Dylan Mulvaney dressed as Derek Chaveen.

And he's like, cheers, bro.

And then George Floyd's like, cheers.

And he goes,

cheers.

And then, yeah, right.

And then Rittenhouse is crying because he's so overwhelmed with the love.

Right, yeah.

This is kind of like the Kylie Jenner commercial for me.

That's what I was thinking.

Yeah.

Just a Bud Light Transversion.

Shane, if you're listening, please pitch this.

I love bothering him.

Yeah, just setting up pitches.

I texted him the other, like a week or I don't know, a month ago.

I was like, look, I know you have contact with the Trump team.

Please, just, if there's any way you can, like, fucking pitch me for Secretary of the Interior.

That would be.

And then he didn't respond.

He didn't respond.

And then I was like, just following up on this, man, it's like the windows are going to close.

You're using the agent speak.

I just want to double back.

Yeah, I'm like, dude, the window's closing.

He's like, I can't.

That's what he wrote at.

He's like, I can't do it.

I can't do it.

I was like, come on.

Just at least pitch it.

Just come on.

DGJ.

The dude did Donald Trump join.

You know, they're not going to give it to a Native American.

So nobody who gets it does.

How funny would that be, though, if Trump did that?

Where he was like,

I've announced lightning skies.

Well, that's, it always has to go to like somebody that's like, you Native American.

What is it called?

And it's usually

a white person with a bolo tie.

Yeah, what's the one?

What's the position called?

Secretary of the Interior?

Secretary of the Interior.

I think it's always a Native American.

Or an old cowboy.

Right.

Yeah.

Where he's like, or prospector.

Yeah.

He's like, there's so much hells to dig.

Yeah.

Yeah, that is great, though, if Shane was like, hey, bro, I did it.

If you got a call.

Yeah.

Please hold for President Trump.

I would ask for a massive budget and I would try to do Jurassic Park.

We have to have the technology at this point.

Think about all the fantasy movies from 30 years ago.

They're now just real.

Terminator is becoming very real.

Terminator is real.

There's an Instagram account called George Droid.

And it's like George Floyd is a robot.

I mean, it's amazing.

You got to look at it.

George?

George Droid.

And they just made it Instagram.

And you go pull up one of the videos.

You're like, it's very well done.

It's wild that's always the people where i always thought they were way funnier than me the people that'll commit to that stuff because i'm such a pussy well those are artists you know

those are real artists those are the ones the agents are afraid of we're just dog shit content creators yeah we're just slop makers yeah right it is very funny to do stand-up comedy it is funny that stand-up comedy has the money that it does oh yeah right now it it won't for long oh of course not yeah like i would probably say five to ten years yeah i'm just

got to get it in now.

Right.

Yeah.

Just do what you can, make the bag, and then get out of there.

And throw it all in crypto, I guess.

That's Nick Mullen.

I made that mistake the first time around, but now I'm good.

What, you threw your money into crypto?

In 2017.

And it didn't go well.

Well, the market halved.

I like watched it for years, and then I was like.

Fuck.

I mean, yeah.

I'm like, well, because we started making money.

I'm like, I'm not going to be one of those idiots that doesn't invest.

Dude, that's so funny.

That's so funny that you had the foresight to go, I'm not a dipshit that doesn't invest.

So I'm going with the riskiest shit possible.

Crypto.

But then I didn't.

Did it get wiped out?

Well, I didn't sell any of it.

You're still holding on.

Yeah.

Is it bad or good?

I mean, compared to 2017, it's like, I mean, it was bad for a little bit, but I mean, that was.

That was five years, at least five years ago.

Seven years ago.

I can't do the math on it, but.

It was seven years ago.

Yeah, so compare it.

I mean, it's like, yeah.

It's doing much better.

So you're almost.

I don't know how to sell it and i don't know that i don't know the tax implications and it's like it's gonna be a mess but i don't

dm i don't need the money right now i know yeah so but also if it's like at an all-time high

yeah that's the time to sell it but it's i don't i just don't even think about it as occasionally i'll look and i'll be like oh that's nice like oh yeah like at a house plant yeah something like that you like walk by you go

yeah yeah yeah it's doing all right it's right in the sun yeah well dude i mean there's a chance that you could just fucking pull pull out all your money and then use that to make a movie.

Well, oh, I wouldn't do that.

Yeah.

No, I would find somebody else to give me the money.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not fucking wasting that.

Yeah.

No, that is.

Are you going to go buy a farm?

That is

spending my own money to make a movie that I want to make is way dumber than putting all my money into cryptocurrencies.

So you think Francis Ford Coppola was stupid for Metro...

Megalopolis?

But he's Francis Ford Coppola.

If he wanted to make his first movie ever, Jack,

and he decided to put his money into that.

That would have been sick.

That would have been dumb, yeah.

Because it wasn't proven.

Yeah, I mean, she wasn't.

And then if you're making a movie, you don't want to, you know.

How much money is it?

If you're making anything, you don't want the stress of also being the guy saying no to budget stuff.

If you're like, oh, I want to do this, and then immediately you're pulling yourself out of the idea of that because you can't because it costs too much.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

With anything, you have to have somebody else saying that's too expensive.

You have to have someone there.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, yeah,

you should be like, let's spend as much money as possible.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

And then somebody else should be like, no.

Yeah.

You need a governor.

Right.

You need someone that goes like, that ain't going to fucking work.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Then you go, no, I'm telling you, I'm doing this

droid floor.

George Droid.

George Troy movie.

Yeah.

I go, you know, you know, Mullen is really committed to this thing.

The George Droid.

That's my new project.

I'm like,

yeah, somebody's fucking doing it.

He soft-launched it on the movie.

I don't know who it it is.

Maybe if you like it, you know,

you know what?

You're leaving the mic.

You go, can you put that like in the

I'm calling my agents?

I'm like,

there's legs here, dude.

Guys.

Can we get a meeting with Netflix?

And they just put the phone down while you're talking, and they're like, I don't even pick that up.

Yeah, right.

I'm talking to a Chia pet.

You being the

you running the interior would be great.

I would, yeah.

I literally mean it.

You could probably do Jurassic Park

in Yosemite.

Turn Yosemite into bring dinosaurs back.

I bet Trump would back that.

Yeah.

He'd be like, that's a great idea.

There's no, we have their bones.

The DNA is in the bones.

The whole premise of the original movie is.

We're distracting the DNA.

Do you think they've done it?

All scientifically sound.

I don't.

It's literally impossible that there is no way to clone dinosaurs and bring them back to life and install them at Yosemite National Park.

You heard it here first.

Yeah.

Fuck the wolves.

That whole story about bringing wolves back for the deer population.

Like, we got raptors now.

That would be awesome, dude.

That would be awesome.

Imagine if you were hunting and you pull the trigger and then like you're you look up from the scope and it's already in the air because a pterodactyl got it yeah and you go oh god damn oh and then god damn or actually in real life these dinos are busting my bones goddamn gas boned fucking pigeon joe joe rogan's eating them immediately oh and then you're seeing all the comics that like his posts yeah i've been eating uh t-rex he dies of some weird parasite from 10 million years ago.

That's unfrozen in there.

They go like, yeah, you shouldn't have brought that back.

Yeah, his eye falls out and it's turning purple.

He goes, dude, I'm going to tell you, it's powerful meat.

It's powerful meat.

And then you see like 50 comics that don't eat meat liking the post.

Drinking Triceratops cum.

He goes, I'm telling you right now, a glass of Tri-Cum with some eggs and some peppers on it.

And then there's like people being like, I love it.

I love it so much.

Can I work your club?

And then Theo's like, all right, my guest today is

a dinosaur.

So why, you know, I saw stuff that you're like a big chicken or something.

And you go, okay.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

I don't even, yeah, I don't even really think about it that way.

Wow.

Man, I say, like, you're like kind of like a chicken.

And I'm like, I won't even go to Chick-fil-A because I respect you so much.

He's like,

wow, man, that's crazy.

It's got 700 views.

700,000 views.

And everyone's like, Theo needs to interview more dinosaurs i would love to see him with a bronosaurus yeah it's like the flintstones beginning where he slides down the neck

theo theo vaughn

he is interviewing dinosaurs

i would i would watch that honestly i don't really watch podcasts but if they had a theo interviewing a dinosaur yeah theo interviewing a dinosaur sign me the fuck up for that a debate between ben shapiro and a dinosaur i understand that you are a meat eater what if we have been here for 3 000 years.

And dinosaurs are like, well, I was here 50 million years ago.

I have my own time period.

But that doesn't make me think.

Dinosaur claims he swore he saw Palestinians.

Yeah.

That's what solves it.

I remember him, dude.

I don't know what to fucking tell you.

There's a very...

Because I was there 50 million years ago.

There's a very

cave Megalodon there.

Adidas slides and green track pants running around.

I don't know what to do.

Smoking cigarettes, sitting on a plastic chair.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Have you seen all the people go back to Syria now that Assad is out?

Are they, is that, are they really going back?

Yeah, dude.

There's a couple, there's people crossing at the border.

No, dude, there was like a, I don't know.

Again, you don't know what's real and what's happening.

They've stopped processing like asylum requests in like France and Germany and Norway.

Well, they're all like going back.

I saw like.

Well, they want to kick them out, but I mean, it's not, that's like...

And it's very funny because I've seen people being like, so all the refugees can go back now, right?

And it's like, well, what's the name of the government?

He's in charge.

And they go, no, no, no.

So we're going to boycott him back.

Yeah.

No, imagine if you like left America because you didn't like Donald Trump and then there was a civil war and like

Donald Trump, Donald Trump was killed, but there had been a giant war between the Proud Boys and Antifa and DLM and fucking then guys that just like like the Simpsons a lot.

And it's just like, like, who won really?

And so I'm family guys.

Right.

I'd be like,

I'll wait maybe a couple weeks.

Let's let this shake out because I don't think the Simpson bros are in charge.

And then Israel just bombed like every military installation in Syria.

So whatever this nascent state is, they have no military.

They have no military whatsoever.

All they have is guns to kill each other with.

Whatever's popping up on my internet is like people cleaning their house now that they're back in like

now that they're back in Syria.

Yeah, they're like, hey, look, I cleaned my apartment back up.

And you're like, oh, that's in my dumbhead, I'm like waiting for a chicken wrap.

And I'm like, everything's all right.

Yeah.

But I have no idea.

You're right.

There's no government.

Yeah, I mean, like,

has,

do we have any examples like where there's a guy in the Middle East that's in power for 40 years that like just suppresses any dissenting voices that disappears and then it's better?

Yeah.

Or it's not just complete chaos.

Right.

Yeah.

I mean, that's what it is.

It's like even when we took out Saddam, everyone was like, oh, so this is just chaos.

Yeah, or Libya or

Afghanistan.

We thought we were going to take out Saddam and everyone was going to be like, sick.

We're up and running.

I don't think we thought that.

I think that's how it was pitched to Americans.

Oh, sure, yeah.

And I, as a dumb American, that's absolutely how I believed it in 04.

Where I was like, hey, we take out Saddam and everything's fucking

because we watch movies.

Because you watch a movie and you go, and the bad guy dies, and they go, like, end the movie.

Everything's cool.

But they don't show the weird part after Darth Vader dies or the Emperor dies where they go like, who controls?

There's a the the guy from uh

hts which i guess is like the the the main rebel group that's moved into damascus now yeah and they're the ones setting up the government the main guy from that was in al-nusra which was al-qaeda in syria who came out of like the iraq war isn't that what it always is it's just like they find the next guy and they go you know he used to pow around with like osama bin laden in the 90s and you're like yeah it's like well who he also gave money to fight the russians Yeah, Rambo 3.

Yeah, yeah.

If you watch Rambo 3, it's a movie that ages in a way that you're like, this is crazy.

It looks like Rambo trains.

There was one point in like 2014 where if I remember correctly, it was like the CIA was funding one rebel group and training them.

And then like the Pentagon was funding another, and they were fighting each other.

Like Battle Bots?

Yeah, like they

just had a fucking going at it where they go like, hey, Pentagon, 50 bucks says your fucking desert warriors can't be ours yeah yeah that's really funny just that's how they play it uh-huh they go oh didn't even know i should call uh i should call rob over at the pentagon see what they're up to i mean it's like this i mean i know the government wastes a lot of money but that's i mean really dumb i don't know how there's no system in place to check or there's not well that's why like did you see they did an audit of the they or they and they they tried to balance it and they're like yeah we can't find like

seven billion dollars i think it might have been more than that it all went to hunter biden dude yeah him and his crack addiction and his laptops.

Yeah, which in the grand scheme of things, it's like that's the least bad thing any of them are doing.

Just fucking hookers and doing crap.

Yeah, but that's

a victimless crime.

It's the Tom Ford thing.

Remember that guy when they try to make it a big deal in Toronto?

Here's the thing about Hunter Biden that's nice.

You know exactly who he fucks.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Also, you also know exactly what he wants.

Like, if you talk, like, I am, I am,

I will never, you can never, I will never, with 100% certainty be able to say that Hillary Clinton has not had sex with a child under the age of three.

Sure.

Like, you know, did something to them, tested them.

I know, in, in, in, in my rational mind, I can say she probably hasn't.

Yeah.

With 90% confidence.

Sure.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Hunter Biden, I've seen his penis.

I've seen it go into people.

You know, it's like I know that, okay.

You know what he has a taste for.

We know what this guy likes.

Yeah.

He likes to do drugs and he likes to fuck ladies of the night.

Right, right.

That's it.

Yeah.

It's like, it's like when you hang out with an alcoholic that hasn't gotten clean yet.

You know, you go to a bar, they'll be happy.

You're just like, hey, I can take you here.

Why don't you have a couple of beers?

Yeah.

And they're like, I love this.

And you go, because I know what you like.

Right.

But a guy that's like never had a drink and is like way too Christian, you're kind of like, I don't even know what you like.

You might be into some shit that I have no idea.

There's a guy on YouTube that I kind of like, I don't really know too much about his, like what he does because the whole YouTube world is sort of new to me, really.

Really?

Well, when we did the podcast, we never put it on YouTube.

Oh, yeah, you guys just put it out.

And I was never into YouTube, really.

I mean, I would like read Twitter and stuff.

I'm more text stuff.

Sure.

Like, I never had the attention span to sit and watch a video.

And then streaming, that's like another thing where it's like.

I still don't understand it.

I don't understand sitting there and watching somebody for eight hours.

And all they do is read stuff.

It's like hanging out with a friend that's reading text.

Well, people are like, because people explain it to me, they're like, well, it's like if you have a day job.

It's like, I've never had a day job ever where I could sit and watch a video for eight hours.

I understand listening to a podcast.

A podcast.

If you're delivering pizza, you can, you know, or even if you're at your desk.

Yeah, I guess, well, I haven't really been in.

I worked at a call center.

Well, someone's probably listening to this at the desk.

That's what I imagine, yeah, at a desk.

Right now, we're in their ears.

For whatever reason, I heard that and I was thinking, like, you know, you drive a train or something.

Yeah.

There's just a train about to run someone over, and there's listening to us being like, what if Joe Biden was in taken?

Well, yeah.

Well,

yeah, so there's a guy on YouTube that he, he's like a YouTube lawyer.

Okay.

Who,

do you know this story already?

Oh, okay.

He was like a, you know, he's like a lawyer.

Sure.

That gained some following on YouTube because he covered the Kyle Rittenhouse.

He would like live stream the Kyle Rittenhouse trial.

Here's what's going on.

He's like break it down like ESPN.

He did that with the Amber Heard trial, too.

Got it.

And then I guess his thing was he would like have a glass of scotch on stream.

You know, he'd drink his scotch and like do his stream and talk about legal stuff and but i would imagine prior to this he was a guy that was he'd lived in minneapolis he's like fucking you know he's got a family lawyer lawyer upper middle class guy yeah just goes to work and then like got famous on youtube and then he would have his glass of scotch and then i there's i just saw a clip it's like a 45 second long clip and the first one is him a couple years ago where he's like he's got the drink he's like It's not a good choice or a bad choice.

It's just a choice.

You know, if you can't control it, don't drink.

Because I guess it's in response to someone like, hey, you drink a lot yeah you have a glass of scotch every case you're doing two cases a day and then it cuts to him i guess recently he's lost a hundred pounds he's like like like i mean he looks like he's on fentanyl you know he's like completely up and i guess it's like he his he got arrested the police found like a whole ounce of cocaine his like kids tested positive for cocaine him and his wife got arrested so this guy got famous there was another youtube couple living with them and they were all fucking each other dude i gotta look at this i gotta look this up i gotta find this but that's what it well it's like but it's like it's crazy because it's fucking youtube yeah like some guy got like some guy got like you know i got a hundred thousand people watching my stream and then he just goes casino i mean like it's like that's what that's what happens you know and people that used to make

music dude i'm fucking yeah but people that used to make music and would get like that kind of pussy yeah now you see them go like well i don't we don't have that anymore but that's the thing that's funny because

you're sitting in your house still it's like you have a little bit more money but it's like something about just that exposure.

You're like, well, I guess I got to be a drug addict and have a third.

God damn, I'm going to watch this.

I got to find this guy.

It's fascinating.

Yeah, because you don't know what, like, especially now with internet celebrities, like a YouTube thing, you watch them when they're regular and you cheer for them and you go, Look at this guy.

This guy's doing it.

And you don't realize as the years go on, you're like, he's a different person now.

Yeah, yeah.

The guy's making like $3 million a year from just sitting in there drinking scotch being like, I say the guy did kill him.

Yeah.

Prosecutor.

No, they all channeled.

Shane's penis got cut off by a house fan.

But he brought everyone together.

Well, people don't know yet.

We're still waiting for the big reveal.

At that house fan.

What a perfect way to end this.

He's fucking his penis got cut off.

Go watch.

The wind blows.

And it's just

a brand new pussy.

Oh, damn.

And he goes, that's straight.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, everybody.

I'm sorry.

I let you, everyone, down.

And Key Rock goes, takes his glasses off.

He's like, damn it.

Yeah.

But I guess I can still drink it.

Yeah.

You can be a cowboy if you got a pussy.

Cowboys are cowgirls.

And there's a cowboy.

Yeah.

Watch Nick Mullen's special Year of the Dragon on YouTube right now.

You're the best.

Thanks for coming on the show.

No, you're the best.

I can't believe that.

I was, we've been doing like Pete doesn't tell us when the podcast is over.

Yeah.

And so I'm like, why does it feel like so long?

And he's letting us do like two hours and 15 minutes.

No, that's insane.

I'm like, that's insane.

Yeah, you do.

We do that.

Well, yeah, we did a 55-minute podcast like a couple weeks ago.

And when it was at 55, I'm like, you got to be kidding me.

That felt like 15 minutes.

That's the best part.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you're like, you're done.

Well, at the end of these, what we do is for a small video on YouTube so I can drink my scotch and have another YouTube family live with Katie and I.

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