56: Trapped in Nebraska

36 minutes ago, Nebraska DOT, I-80 and Highway 30, those are our two main roads, closed.

Snow and high winds continue to make travel impossible.

Damn.

We may be sleeping in this car tonight.

How would we do that?

Um, I would say

probably, does that seat drop down?

I got about 50% left of my steam deck, so I'm mad maxing and shit.

That's the only thing that's going to suck is if that thing dies.

What if I ask the guy if I go in there and charge it?

You think he's not going to take that steam deck?

He can also probably explain to you how to use it.

I got that knife.

I'll keep that knife.

You have a knife?

Yeah, you've not.

I thought you had pliers.

Should we bust out the pepper spray that you got me?

Where is that?

It is in the box with the rest of the stocking stuffers.

If this were live, we wouldn't be sharing our plan.

But by the time you guys hear this, we're either dead or alive.

Or we've made it out.

I don't know if we care, but our lights are on.

You can't turn them off.

It's all the way off.

Well, the battery won't die if the car's on.

The alternator is going.

God, I know nothing.

Either do I.

I know nothing.

I've just heard.

We're so screwed.

They got a light on.

What do you think they're doing?

Oh, they're moving around in there.

Okay.

Well, they probably know we're podcasting.

Yeah, they got a strobe.

I also, I was going to say, if anybody saw me doing this, I think I'd be mortified.

If they walked by and saw us talking into microphones, I think I would just pretend we were mentally ill and not well.

And also, it's just like salt of the earth people being like, what the fuck are water?

They've got maps open in their car.

They're drawing out roots and drawing?

Isn't this?

Isn't this silly?

Aren't we silly?

Good.

Get a water.

It's going to be quite loud.

Did you hit record?

I hit record.

Hit record as soon as I went to get a water out.

A tiny water.

A tiny podcast water.

Can I interest you in one or is that yours?

That's the host's water.

Got it.

We're in a parking lot of a Motel 6 in Big Springs, Nebraska.

Big Springs.

Big Springs?

Little pussies.

Big Springs tight pussies.

No, those tiny pussies.

Those tiny pussies.

Those tiny pussies.

Big Springs, Nebraska.

The Motel 6.

You know it.

You love it.

No vacancy.

No vacancy.

We are not in the Motel 6.

We are sitting in the car outside of the...

We just peed in the Motel 6.

We both just peed in their bathrooms, which are

just above outside gas station bathrooms.

Yeah, they're not.

Just, I mean, barely above a key on a giant wooden plank.

They're not port-a-potties.

No.

Which is, we should be, that's what we're doing today.

We're counting our blessings.

Yeah.

All of the ways in which this could be worse are the things we're focusing on.

Like, that bathroom could have been worse.

This is a gratitude episode.

This is a bonus gratitude episode.

Are you feeling thankful?

So are we.

So are we.

So we,

well, let's just

hit them with them.

Hit them with the truths.

Hit them with the facts.

Katie and I drove from New York City to Denver, stopping in Chicago for Christmas.

We stopped in Chicago, saw Katie's brother, sister-in-law, mom and dad, and niece, sweet little Charlie.

And then we drove to Denver, had Christmas with Trish the Dish

for two and a half days.

Yep.

And her dogs, Myrtle.

Myrtle's with us.

We should have mentioned that a lot sooner.

Sorry, guys.

Myrtle's co-host.

She's been in the car the whole time.

I hope you didn't say that.

She's going to be pissed.

She wants her plugs.

You can see her at the Madison Square Dog Park.

You can see her being a good girl.

You can see her being a good girl on 8th Avenue.

She popped up.

You're a good dog.

So we drove.

We took a little family car.

He means we.

We split it up.

I did some driving.

You did some driving.

I'm going to tell the people at home, Katie got a bad, drew a bad hand on the trip out, and we were driving to Chicago.

Well, we stopped in Mommy.

Moni.

Mommy,

I'm pretty sure it's not how you pronounce it.

It's probably like Maumi.

Miami.

Miami.

Oh, shit.

It's my body.

Miami is Miami.

But it's outside of, it's near Toledo.

It's in Toledo.

Who fucking knows?

We stopped there for a night, but while we were driving out there, I got done at the gas station, refueled like halfway to the drive, and then Katie took over and immediately started snowing.

We had no idea.

The snow just hit us.

And then Katie, you know, Boston chick fought through it.

Fucking Boston.

If I'm honest, there was like a five-minute span where I was like, Because you were a little panicky and I had to keep reassuring you.

I was like, it's okay.

I used to do a lot worse than this.

But then there was this like five-year-old.

Because I got pretty, I got anxious.

Yeah.

So you and Myrtle.

So meet me at 11.30.

Okay.

But there was like a five-minute span where I was like, okay, I'm a little scared.

And then it got better.

It was fine.

But Katie earned her CDL.

So you can see her driving 16-wheelers.

Big rigs.

I feel like I know the lifestyle now because this road trip has taught me things that, yeah, I probably should have known, but I didn't.

Because I don't go on a, I've never been on like a road trip.

This is the last road trip I've been on.

this was a through the middle of America heartland road trip yeah I-80 well now we've renamed it I-Katy

it's I-Katy the bathrooms um along the way nice really not bad at the rest at right off of anything right off of I-80 any of those gas stations right off I-80.

I got a lot of fans

from the bonfire that were truck drivers.

Oh, really?

Like a lot of dudes that...

That's high praise.

It's very high praise.

And I want to say, this is like when rich guys go play for the Yankees or whatever.

This is like truck and fantasy camp.

Where I'm like, I want to know more about the showers.

Well, you know, you're just like, so interested in the shower.

I saw signs for showers at a lot of these gas stations, and I was like, a lot of notifications for showers.

Do you have to pay?

I wonder if they're free.

One of the rest stops, which was in, ironically, was in Amish country, had slots, like little slot machines.

Oh, yeah.

Gambling.

Well, you got to have...

Listen, if truckers are stopping, you gotta have games.

You gotta have showers, stuff to do.

Yeah.

You're just like my,

if I'm doing trucker fantasy camp, you're like my permanent lot lizard.

I don't think I understood more than 75% of that sentence.

Lot lizards are truck stop hookers.

Oh

can we go back to before I knew what it meant?

Yeah.

That's right.

But I was saying, like, if I, you know.

I haven't seen one glory hole.

Now, maybe that's because I'm in the women's bathrooms.

Yeah.

Maybe we don't get to that.

Do you want me to walk you in, like when moms used to take little boys in the bathroom with them?

Single moms, and they'd take boys in the bathroom.

I always hated it.

I'm like, sorry that I shouldn't, but like, why is your son in here?

And also, the sun is always.

Did you have to do this with Trans?

The Sun is always very young, and only a couple times.

The Sun is sure.

The Sun is always an age that you're like, he's crawling under stuff.

And I'm like, hi, yes, it's me, Pete.

Also,

pretty inquisitive at that age.

I don't know.

Why does her pussy look like that, mama?

How the fuck?

How much pussy were you seeing?

You can't really get in there.

It's going to be under the toilet.

Or you wear shoes with mirrors on them.

I hate having no idea how loud I'm being.

No, you're being good.

I don't want the top comment on this to be that I'm shrill.

No, you're not shrill.

I got you.

I'm probably over-modulating.

Homeless Pimp, of course, producing HP.

HP, are you with me?

I'm sorry.

I'll never do that again.

We both now worked with HPs.

Because I worked with Hunter Pence.

Oh, shit.

Two-time World Series Championship.

Giants Hall of

Jungle Fame?

Ring of Fame.

Ring of Fame?

One of those.

He's in all of that.

Ring of Fire.

He's in the Giants Ring of Fire.

Connors in the Ring of Fire.

A lot of people mulling about now in the parking lot.

I think the realization's starting to set in that we might not be going anywhere tonight.

Yeah, we got a full tank of gas, though.

Have we already described what the situation is?

Nebraska has shut down the main roads.

You know what?

We were saying car trip, but we weren't.

We stopped.

Yeah, we got.

Oh, we got distracted?

Yeah.

Crazy.

Now I'm starting starting to realize why the bonfire never finished the topic.

I'm like, oh my God, I have squirrel brain.

So yeah, we're stuck.

Nebraska has closed their roads.

We were in a kind of dicey situation when we were trying initially to like, okay, this road's closed.

Let's go get on the other one.

What?

Well, you're right.

But I want to completely set it up because we got warning of it and we were like,

I said, is this going to affect us tomorrow?

And you said, oh, don't put this on me.

Did say.

Don't put that even on the money.

No, it's not.

You said, no, it's not.

I said, should we leave the next day?

And you said, no, it's going to be fine.

You know what?

And my mom, Trish, was,

I'm at home confident.

You know, like, take that shot.

Yeah.

You guys are going to be fine.

You guys got it.

When we were packing up today, she's like, it's in Kansas.

Yeah, it's not.

It's not even going to be a problem.

Now, when you look at the map, the only part that's closed down and a problem is the part where we are.

In Nebraska.

In Nebraska.

Big Springs, baby.

What we think happened is that we were like the fourth wave to hit this wall that's been put up because these

closed the main artery roads.

They closed.

North to south.

Any of the arteries that we could have used all closed we looked as far as going like three hours out of our way and going down to i-70 to get into

all closed and so uh we think we weren't the first wave because even by the time we got here there was no vacancy in the motel 6 so we couldn't have been first generation and i checked the dot website i'm deep in the dot lord

let me just explain to and i don't know if um anyone else is is with someone like this but it's so awesome to have katie because she's like she's the scene in forest Gump where they, where he's in Vietnam and they hand him the two guns and he just plugs himself in the hole.

Like, that's what Katie does.

She just deep dives on stuff.

Like, I was like, we're stranded.

And you were like, all right, I'm

on the Department of Transportation in Nebraska.

I called 511.

Yeah, she was.

I didn't understand what it was trying to say, but I did call.

At that moment, you could have convinced me you had been a storm chaser before.

The way you knew how to get to the lines of

information.

I just know that somebody legally has to tell us what the fuck.

Well, so I went in search of an answer.

And some of our joy has been sitting here reading the people that are more angry than we are.

Because listen, this sucks.

Not going to lie, this sucks.

But we're fine.

We're in our car.

We have a full tank of gas.

The car's running fine for right now.

We got heat.

We got gadgets.

We're doing a fucking podcast.

Dan for Christmas from Some Sweet Angel.

God, this sweet angel with an ass that don't quit.

It quits a lot of times.

It got him a, what's it called?

Steam Deck.

Yeah.

I felt so 40.

I'm not, but I felt very 40 buying it.

If you're a grown-up child,

it is like a Nintendo Switch on steroids.

With a good processor.

It's unbelievable.

Been playing Mad Max.

So anyway, this is In Our Blessings.

That's what he got for Christmas.

And he got me, my sweet king, got me a note, what's it called?

Noteworthy?

Something like that?

Something like that.

It's that like paper, it's the tablet that, but it's paper, and it converts all your notes into.

And nobody loves taking notes more than me.

In fact, I will tell you, when we hit a wall on things to talk about in regards to today's travel, throughout our trip, I've been keeping a document

of the things that we can talk about.

I already know.

I know a couple things I want to talk about.

I've got

notes.

And then, you know.

Obviously, she's probably listening.

Shout out to Trish.

Hi, Trish.

For the socks.

The greatest.

Just dusting us for a while.

For Christmas dinner.

Oh, my God.

Of all time.

Yeah.

My mom.

Trish was in her bag last night.

And, you know, I'm not going to pull punches for the audience.

She had been boozing.

Who cares?

Yeah, but Christmas.

But it was amazing.

I'm saying that.

That she pulled that off.

She pulled that off after relaxing for a while.

Could not have been me.

Sometimes I'll cook something and I'll be like, I got this, because most I don't, but I'm like, I got this.

And then I smoke a little weed, and then I'm like, oh, whoops, I left that in the oven for 45 minutes.

Too many.

Yeah, we've been having a very fun trip.

The drive out here was like.

It was quick.

It was quick, but we got caught with.

I'm trying to remember everything that happened on the drive out here because a couple things happened.

The thing, the main thing I want to talk about is we went to Chicago.

Great time.

Just a beautiful Christmas.

My little niece is the cutest.

I guess our little niece, I should say.

I don't know why we're both calling it mine.

We're married essentially.

We're not, but we're married.

Yours by blood, mine by relationship.

She is the cutest.

Yeah, she's hitting that seventh, six-month baby mark, seven-month baby mark.

Dan

has a very high batting average with smiles.

I'm not going to lie.

She smiles every time she sees his face.

I'm a people pleaser, so I'll tell you the stats right now.

14 to 17.

But who is that?

Looks to smiles.

I am in the zone.

Was looking forward to carrying that streak over when we returned to Chicago.

If we ever get there.

This is just a hiccup.

What happened the three times that you didn't get a smile?

Have you gone back over the tape?

Yeah, don't think there was proper eye contact.

Octave might have been too low.

Sometimes you keep coming to baby with a low rumble.

They actually can't hear in that frequency.

You got to go, hi.

Yeah, we all got to do.

Hi.

Don't think that's mine.

If you think I'm giving it away on this podcast for free,

not happening.

That was mine.

What a fool I am.

What am I doing?

Free ads on Instagram for big-headed hats?

You just do it all, man.

And I'll do it again.

Because that guy was just working.

That guy was working out of his frequency.

I'm getting harassed by a big-headed hat company because I bought hats from them for you for Christmas last year, and now they won't stop emailing me.

And their email at the bottom has a blue underlined word that says unsubscribe.

And when you click on it, it's not a link.

It's not a link.

And I said, that should be illegal.

Yeah.

You can't go anywhere.

You can't go as any.

You can't leave.

Now use can't leave.

Is that what you were looking for?

That's what I was looking for.

Actually, what I was thinking is, you know how young people make fun of boomers for having lead and the gasoline?

And then, you know.

Yeah.

Like, that's one of their things?

Yeah.

Do you think we're going to find out,

like...

older millennials, something happened and that's why there's so many more big heads now than ever.

Are there?

I haven't been keeping up with the stats.

I feel like it's

just because you met my niece, who has a big head?

Listen, she's in the 99th percentile.

So, which I don't, I still don't understand how that works.

That's like a, you know, you have areas in your life that are like your specific stupid, that no matter what you do, you're not going to be able to fix it.

You're just like, this is just my dumb, and I know that this is my dumb.

Oh, yeah.

99th percentile.

I never understand.

So, that means like she is

99% of the

she has a bigger head than 99% of people.

Ah,

so percentile percentile high is good and low is bad.

Yes.

Okay.

It's like out of 100% of the people,

she has a bigger head than 99%.

I know I'm dumb, and look, I'm being real vulnerable right now.

But my thing is, my brain always thinks like 100th percentile, 99th percentile means 99% of people are just like this.

But what it means is that I get tricked on stuff like that all the time.

I can't.

It's never, it doesn't compute.

But listen, we're in a parking lot of a Motel 6 in Big Springs, Nebraska, and we're learning stuff.

We're learning that Katie, I learned on the drive out here, is that Katie has, listen, I know about Katie's fear.

She has a fear about...

Well, we both learned this because I didn't know.

Katie has a fear that she recently told me about.

And can we say it's irrational before you say it?

It's one of those things where your body experiences it and your brain doesn't understand.

You're like,

why did the bottom of my stomach just drop out?

Katie has a thing where I guess in your algorithm, they started putting up videos of giant statues and structures that are submerged in water

and it scares you it scares you i can't look at it you can't i have to scroll past it because i can't they've been putting those deep sea songs that go like

which i can do perfectly which i can mimic perfectly which is

i threw up in my mouth

but it's one of those things as a voice guy

um as a voice guy you learn sometimes voices can be used for bad And like the first time I jokingly did that with you when I was going,

you're like, hey, please, that legitimately freaks me out.

I'm getting skewed.

I'm getting skewed and you're freaking me out.

So we're driving from Chicago

to Nebraska, to Kearney, Nebraska.

Shout out University of Nebraska at Kearney for their football camp.

2000 and

2000.

It was the year 2000.

It's really snowing.

Oh, I think your wiper is a little frozen.

That might be a problem.

I mean, an hour wiper because it's going to be my turn, isn't it?

Sorry, continue.

I didn't do 12 hours of driving.

We're driving to...

We're driving to Carney, Nebraska,

where I did very mediocre in the year 2000 at a football camp and got moved to the 2007.

And we're all still thinking about it.

Couldn't pass by the town without thinking about it.

Heavy fog for some reason on this drive.

On the way out to Denver, we got a lot of weather systems.

We got snow.

We got rain.

We got heavy fog.

And we're we're in the fog driving through Nebraska.

Very flat, just painting a picture.

Very flat state.

Nothing to your left or to your right.

But you can't see anything.

You can't see because of that fog.

And then out of the darkness in the fog comes a giant wind turbine.

Well, there's a light.

There's like a red light shining down.

So planes, you know, small planes don't fly.

And so all of a sudden, I look over, and that's, first of all, the first I'm realizing anything's next to us.

Because again,

and it's foggy, So I'm just assuming it's empty.

And then you look to your right.

I'm made aware of this giant thing.

And I look over and because of the way the light is, only the, let's call it the shaft of the wind turbine

is illuminated.

And then, so, you know, your brain probably knows what it is, but I look up and in the darkness, in the fog, it's night and fog.

Yeah.

I can see the blade

sticking down off the shaft.

And it terrified me to know that to my right there could be giants and I wouldn't know because I can't see.

And then I just was very scared.

Well, you looked over and saw it, immediately had that, yo.

Oh.

He looks, just so you know, he makes eye contact with me every time he dies.

He says, I love you.

I'm sorry.

And so that was, I realized,

well, then we didn't really pull over or anything.

We kept driving.

It actually wasn't one of those things where she had a legit freak out.

It was one of those things where she was like, I'm very scared.

And I laughed at it.

Much as I've said before on this podcast about my

Aunt Karen's fear of little people.

I thought it was very funny.

You were young.

Yes, yes.

I was afraid at how funny she got over something that

you thought it was funny how afraid she would get over just a person.

Yeah.

And that's, I thought it was funny how afraid you got over a wind turbine.

Coming out of the fog, I get, but then

but then we stopped in Carney,

Kearney or Carney.

I don't know how you pronounce it.

And then we we stayed the night, and then the next morning we woke up and drove to Denver, and we were in like eastern Colorado, and we just see the most.

Off in the distance to the right.

Off in the distance, off I-80.

I likened it to the 300 army of, it's just, it's like a,

on the distance, you just see, it looks like they're charging towards us.

It's just all wind turbines on the horizon.

And we checked, and it went way.

And then we found out.

Let me make one thing clear.

I support the technology.

I am for alternative energy sources.

Sure.

Do not get that confused.

But you are scaled.

They scale me.

Yeah.

And they were coming for me.

And at one point, they were on both sides of the road.

Much like fossil fuel industry, you have a fear of wind turbines.

You heard it here first.

Katie's big fossil fuel.

What's with the ones that aren't spinning?

While we're ticking off wind turbine culture, what's with the ones that aren't spinning?

Taking a break, having a glass of water, having a sit, then spinning.

and then they go to spinning.

You know, you can't all spin.

You're going to push those cars off.

And I wish, I hope none of you ever have to feel the feeling that I felt and then have somebody humiliate you on the podcast

on a bonus cat.

That's so funny.

It is now.

This will be.

What are we brought to you by?

By wind turbines.

Feel the breeze.

Wind turbines.

We've been here the whole time, you stupid bitch.

Yeah, that was fucking crazy.

Here, listen, as someone that

is not scared of wind turbines.

I think he was also scared.

It was an archaeological.

It was the concept.

It was the concept of there being able to be a giant next to me, a giant anything, and me to just foolishly think it was the plains of Nebraska.

The stinky plains

of Nebraska.

All right, on to the next subject.

Dan can't smell.

We all know that, right?

Dan's noseblind um that's his handicap i'm sorry for saying it so brusquely i know katie is my smelling nose lady that's right and um it's a it's a burden more than it is a privilege let me tell you she's got a snooter on her

sensitive she can pick up a scent

i can give her

i can give her some socks and be like go find them go get them katie

i can walk into a hotel and be like There's been a mold problem recently.

She has the opposite.

She has, my smell is at zero.

Hers is at 100.

And I'd love to meet us in the middle because it's, I don't know if it's at 100.

I'd say we're at like 90.

Anyway, point is, stuff that smells bad smells real bad to me.

Yeah.

And

she really can pick up a scent.

Driving through Nebraska, I should have thought, right?

But I didn't.

That there's just so much, because I think cows outnumber humans in Nebraska.

Well, from what you've seen, we drove through.

I think it's like three to one.

I will be googling, but I'm going to say three to one.

Cows outnumber humans in Nebraska.

And so that means, you know, probably a lot of emissions.

Because don't they say cow farts are bad for them?

They say it causes a lot of, it says it's putting a hole in the ozone.

Yeah, if my nose.

Did we smell the stuff?

If my nose, yeah, do we still care about that or did we move on?

Did we move on?

She picked it up.

My nose smelled those farts.

It's bad.

It smelled like poop in pockets.

At one point, it smelled like a very specific thing that I had to then describe to Dan, which is a tonsil stone.

Shout out if you know what that is.

That's what it smells like driving through Nebraska.

And she,

our dog had diarrhea the morning we left Chicago.

Isn't that fun?

That's a fun rule.

Consider that.

Side mission.

Yourself in our shoes there.

We, I mean, an hour drive.

I had to wake up at 6 a.m.

and walk Myrtle around Chicago.

And she did that thing where she was like, she notified us that she had to go out.

And I, for dog owners, you know what I'm talking about.

When you watch the poop go liquid, where it's like solid, solid.

We're good, we're good.

And we're pissing out our ass.

And she's she's just looking at you like, ah.

So I took her out a couple times.

We got her stomach empty, gave her some water and got on the road.

And we're like, hopefully she doesn't shit.

And she didn't.

She didn't.

She did really good.

The smell in Nebraska for a moment.

So while it was happening, Katie was like, I was like, is that.

I said, check Myrtle's ass because it smells that strongly in this car.

No windows down.

Windows all up.

And windows up.

And Katie getting like,

just like a phantom punch to the face.

You were just like,

I I put my head in my shirt.

Oh, I just popped my pee.

I felt it.

Sorry, Pimp.

I put my head in my shirt

and sniffed my own boobs.

Yeah.

You were doing something.

You weren't listening until I said boobs.

That was the most damn thing I've ever seen in my life.

You were like, my attention's on something.

No, it isn't.

Titty sniffing.

Yeah.

What do you got?

I sniffed my boobs

because I couldn't smell it anymore.

What's wrong?

Am I too hot?

No.

I think you're great.

Am I too hot?

You've never been too hot, baby.

It's mean.

What?

I'm always too hot.

You're always too hot on me.

God damn it.

I'm going to go stay in the motel six.

You stay out out here.

I wish.

I wish we could get inside.

We're just in the parking lot.

But we're lucky.

I think we're lucky we got spots.

If someone listens to this that was in this shutdown, because it seems like it's like the ultimate speed trap.

They got us to all stay in Big Springs, Nebraska.

We saw a conspiracy, light conspiracy starting to brew online between the Nebraskans or people who are stuck in Nebraska and don't want to be.

Outsiders.

That

this is Nebraska just doing this to boost their local economy.

which, I mean, if I get mad enough, I could see myself jumping on that train of the like, this is big Nebraska.

If it turns into

a 10 a.m.,

we're still here.

I mean, what will we do?

Sleep in the car?

Yeah.

You ever done that?

I don't think so.

You've never slept in the car?

I don't think so.

But if you told me I had, I'd go.

That makes sense.

I've done it twice.

In this cold?

No.

That's what I'm nervous about.

It's 27 degrees right now, but it's 445.

It's going to get lower.

I can tell you're starting to panic spiral, so let's pull ourselves back out and start having a podcast.

I just saw your brain start to go, oh, shoot.

We really need to get out of here.

Would you like to hear things on my list?

Yes, I would.

Also, if things get really bad, maybe this is off-podcast banter, but I'll just say it to you: if things get really bad, they're re-airing My Jeopardy tonight.

We could go into that little diner, tell them to put it on, and we become local celebrities.

We win this.

Somebody offers up their room to us.

It turns from Big Springs to Katie Springs, Nebraska.

To no one.

That's right off the eye, Katie.

No, you'd think I could open my own

highway.

Well, you're panicky spiraling.

Remember that?

Shut up, Katie.

Shut up.

Don't just try to throw something back at me.

You've never once noticed when I'm freaking out.

I notice every time.

No, you always, you think I'm always freaking out.

Most of the time you are.

Because

I'm like the incredible Hulk.

I'm always.

You know how he says he's always angry.

I'm always anxious.

Hey, big guy.

Hey.

The Pony Express.

Let's go.

Oh, my God.

Lasted for a long time.

I don't feel a year.

I feel ripped off.

I feel.

This is like when somebody pointed out that we learned the Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria, and why did we need to know the names of those ships?

And why is it one of the only things from early school that anybody remembers?

It's like the Pony Express.

I learned it because of

Beast Boys.

And that's not good because you should have learned it in school.

Yeah, but that was lame.

Okay.

Beast Boys were cool.

Yeah.

You're not wrong about those facts.

Actually, what am I talking about?

I'm an idiot.

I did learn it in school.

Just amend everything I said.

Everything?

Everything.

Start over.

Hi, guys.

We're outside of a motel city.

Everything's going great.

We're about to drive the Des Moines.

So we looked up the,

what's it called?

Pony Express.

And now this is my brain is actively trying to forget it because I'm pissed about how much time I was told I was supposed to remember that this happened.

We were driving down a road that said like Pony Express original, whatever.

And so I was, and Dan goes, did you know that went on for like a shockingly low amount of time?

Yeah, well, there was a sign for a museum for the Pony Express.

I never said that.

None of that matters.

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to get to the point a little quicker for the poor people.

I'm trying to paint a picture.

Okay?

You're over here rushing to fucking bullet points.

What do you got?

Go ahead and say that the sign was specifically for a museum.

I think they needed that extra piece of information.

I'm just letting you guys know.

This might be a date line.

This might be a date line.

Yeah.

You think I won't put you in a snowy bank?

I won't.

I would never do that.

So Dan said, do you know that went on for a surprisingly low amount of time?

I I think it was probably for like five years.

And then I googled it and it was like 18 months.

That's crazy.

Was it even that long?

We hold that up as like, or 16 months.

I don't know.

I can look it up again.

We hold that as like a sign of American exceptionalism.

As like we figured out how to ride horses from one side of this country that we kind of just stole to the other side of this country.

And it really was just for a year-ish.

And apparently, a lot of people died on the route.

well you got super into it she she burrowed I did and and on that's all the information I remember well no because you went and read that it went bankrupt oh yeah and then that was after that amount of time yeah it couldn't be

affordable anymore because all those people were dying and I also thought that it would probably the reason that we learned that is probably because other countries

this is just a guess

a hypothesis if you will that other countries had a similar system around the same time.

And we want to say that we came up with it first.

Now, it only lasted this couple months, but it failed.

But we did it first.

Because that seems like something we would do.

The funny part is that the telegraph came out like right after?

They did it for a year, and then they're like, guys, we have a telegram.

Because we could.

Telegram or telegraph for it.

Whichever one, and I get them confused as well.

But whatever one came out was like right when they did it.

So if you had the Pony Express, you were like, this thing's going to make a jillion dollars.

Shit.

Are you serious?

Telegrams?

Fuck me running.

Can I?

It's like TiVo.

Yes.

That's exactly what it is.

And the next year, you were like, oh, DVR is all on the thing you already have to pay for.

And we're just going to give you DVR.

Yeah.

Just to paint a picture about what's going on in this podcast, we're sitting in the car.

It has now gotten dark.

And looking at Katie, there is a stereotypical red light shining into the car from a motel that is flashing from the motel six line.

And it's really doing it for you?

It is so sexy.

Thank you.

I got this new haircut.

We're going to hit pause.

Okay.

And we're going to tie Myrtle up outside, and we are going to get after it.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

I thought you were being serious.

I was like, hit pause and then what?

What are we doing?

We're going to go inside and redeem.

But then once you brought up sex, I knew you were joking.

Then I knew that wasn't.

Because I've been in these spandex pants all day.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Clam.

So anyway, the Polar Express, not real.

Pony Express, only for a year.

Funniest thing that came out of it, somebody pointed out online that the show about the Pony Express lasted longer than the Pony Express itself.

It went three seasons.

That's very funny.

That's very.

The second thing in this document said wind turbines.

Scary, actually.

But we've already gotten it out.

We covered that.

Scooter's coffee.

We're not really that into you.

Wow.

We didn't give you that much of it.

We only went once.

This might seem

like an all-out declaration of war on Nebraska.

Nebraska, it's not.

You randomly smell like shit.

So does Colorado.

We got Greeley.

I'm not saying we're perfect.

Scooters sucks.

And you've been telling yourself it's good, and it's not.

It blows dong.

It's just, you guys are trying.

It's all idea.

It's all ideation, no execution.

I got a breakfast sandwich that was like a maple waffle with egg cheese sausage.

Should have been great.

Should have been their answer to the McGriddles.

And it's about time somebody came for the crown.

Someone else finally took waffle engineering seriously, realized it's a better sandwich bread than a pancake.

A pancake falls apart all the time.

That's right.

So if it's a waffle, it's sturdier.

You got your traps for juices and shit like that.

We were disappointed in you, Scooter.

Ironically, the waffle fell apart.

I could not eat it.

I want to talk to you, Scooter.

Scooter, if you're listening to this, maybe your son's a, maybe you're a fan of billions.

Maybe your son's a fan of billions.

Maybe that's how you got here.

Your breakfast sandwich sucked dick.

And we were real excited about it.

Yeah, it wasn't great.

It was a big long line for this place.

So we thought, there was a Starbucks right there.

We thought, let's go to the place that's, I mean, I guess it's since I've looked it up, it's really not local.

I think it's like a lot of states in the Midwest have it.

But there was a line for this place.

We were like, maybe it's.

It was right by our hotel.

It was the line was long, but you're like, in a town like this, in a town like Carney, you're going to wait for coffee?

It's got to be good.

No.

Nope.

Not great.

Got on I-80 and it just went.

And maybe we got him on an off day.

Maybe one of the high school age girls that were working there that I saw were going through something.

I don't know.

And I'm sorry.

Look, I'm sorry that I think Nebraska smells like poop.

And I'm sorry that I don't like the coffee at this place.

But what do you want me to do?

Lie?

What do you want me me to do?

Lie to make you feel better?

I can't do that.

Ask Dan.

He's dating me.

He knows.

I try to get her to lie to me all the time.

It would make things a lot smoother.

I want you to act like you want to hear Macho Man Randy Savage.

And I, and sometimes I do.

Next thing I wrote, Howie Long slash Allie Wong.

So

we've been doing some, you know, Katie looks up articles.

It's a long drive.

When Dan's driving, I will try to

like chime in with little interesting things I'm seeing on my phone.

So the

way out to Denver total was about 27 hours.

We split it up or whatever, but while we're driving, we do different stuff.

There's no phone while driving, guys.

Don't be stupid.

No phone while driving.

No phone while driving.

We saw a lot of people doing that on this trip.

And we listened to some podcasts of people we wanted to make fun of.

We didn't get through it.

Almost threw up.

But we also...

She she just Katie's looking at her phone while she's driving and she just says not while I'm driving.

no no I'm driving Thank you Yeah, Katie's immediately

So Katie's texting

Katie's hammered.

I'm like you need to pull over there's snow and she said fuck this snow.

I got this

You're driving.

I'm on my phone.

And she said what I hear is

Howie Long finally got a divorce.

Oh Howie Long got a divorce.

Oh, but they've been separated for about a year.

To which I said.

You didn't really care.

I didn't really care.

i made the comment of we both think howie long's sons are cool yeah so we were like that's the sign of a good dad so i bet howie long's a good dad that's what i said well i mean first you said oh and i went oh what do you have a problem with her and he was like well i don't really like him i don't i don't really have an opinion of him i like his sons uh but and that's a sign that he's all the stuff you just said and i said allie wong

and he goes oh i thought you said Howie Long.

That's a very funny mix-up that I can now see how that would happen.

Yeah,

you remember Howie Long's special baby Cobra?

You remember that when he was pregnant and he did that awesome special?

I love his sons.

I was like, Allie Wong.

Allie Wong's Star of Broken Arrow,

the action movie from the 90s.

So that's in there.

Howie Long, Allie Wong.

Kozad, Nebraska.

I think we thought we had fire on that, but I really don't think it's worth even revisiting.

Well, Kozad, Nebraska, we looked it up because we were like, Kozad.

We looked it up because we thought, I saw on a sign it said like Kozad

Construction Inc.

And so I thought that was the name of a company and then saw it named as the town, saw that it was the town's name, and stupidly my brain went, wow, a whole town owned by a company?

That's what I thought.

Instead of going, oh, they probably named the company after the town.

Yeah, but we both.

So I googled it to be like, is this a corporate town?

No, it's the town with like, of like two square miles.

We both had the same first thought, which was that.

It was like a town like in Roadhouse that's owned by a bad guy who's like, I'm Donny Kozad.

Everything goes through me.

And we looked it up, and it is named after a guy.

Yeah, but most towns are when the guy just gets drunk and is like, this is the town now.

And

the street's named after him.

Putting your name down on something and then it's like, you just drive it by like,

this is Soder Montana.

Well, and didn't we find out that his son went on to become a famous artist?

Yes.

The father was like a gambler, a criminal, I think they said, businessman.

They really made him look out to be a real

piece of work.

A real piece of work.

And his son was an artist in New York City.

That's right.

Bright lights, big city.

So you moved from Cozad to New York.

That's the country mouse in the city.

Yeah.

Maranatha Bible Camp.

Shout out to Maranatha Bible Camp.

It was a Bible camp on the side of the road.

Not sure why.

And I'm talking road highway.

Like this was the major highway we were driving.

Yeah.

There was just, you could see peeking out of the trees or something.

It just said like Bible camp here.

Come on over.

What?

Come on over, baby.

There's a lot of weird religious symbols on this drive.

You put up the one in eastern Colorado of

Tiny Jesus Big Cross.

Tiny Jesus huge cross.

Tiny Jesus Big Cross is if you're driving, I think on 76 i don't know if it's i-80 anymore i think it is on 76.

if you're driving towards denver on 76 it's like uh someone put it on the side of the road and it's a little it's like a out like a wire frame like a metal working sculpture it's almost 2d yes it is 2d with a tiny jesus in a massive cross carrying it on his back which it um the wingspan on it did not add up it was i'm telling you that guy pure power in his legs i'm nailing something to metal difficult That ain't going to work.

So it was an interesting.

Bounce right off.

It just felt ominous.

There were a couple of like...

Ominous.

There was a couple of, like, I don't know, we saw that big shrine up on the hill in,

where were we?

Outside of Omaha.

No,

man.

Shrine of the family or something.

West of Iowa.

Shit gets, shit just starts to get weird.

Well, it's weird to us.

You know what?

And we're also, I know this feels like we're Nebraska nebraskaphobes

but it a lot of the weird shit did happen in nebraska we also did and i get it i'd be bored out of my mind as well we are stuck we're stuck here it's not being nice to us why do i have to be nice to it mean girl i just give what i'm giving i reciprocate oh man I wonder if we're going to get out of here tonight.

I'm starting to think we're not because I'm not seeing cars leaving.

I'm seeing cars pull in.

And here's the thing.

Let me check New Jersey dot while you go on whatever.

Just go on a little.

I don't mean to go off on a ramp here.

But we do have prime parking lot.

We are maybe 20 feet from the entrance of the Motel 6.

So we, and I, you know, you know me.

I'm small talk soder.

I'll get in there.

How you doing?

How you been?

Nice dog.

I believe we will have access to the restrooms all night.

There's a truck stop a little bit down the walk.

It's kind of in the same parking lot.

Not that far.

In a blizzard, it would suck.

But this looks like it's turning to rain.

36 minutes ago, Nebraska DOT, I-80 and Highway 30, those are our two main roads, closed from the Wyoming state line to Lexington, Nebraska.

Snow and high winds continue to make travel impossible.

I-80, Highway 30, and all connecting ancillary roads do not have safe driving conditions.

So do not move as of 36 minutes ago.

Damn.

We may be

sleeping in this car tonight.

Well, we have enough time on the podcast, and I'm sure that people would like to know, how would we do that?

I would say

probably, does that seat drop down?

Yeah.

I don't know that actually would even, would help us, because right now it's providing a nice wall between the stuff in the trunk and the back seat.

Our suitcases and wears.

But I do think the

right now we have the ratio is that Myrtle has twice as much space as you and I.

You and I are sharing space.

Myrtle has the entire back seat.

I don't think that would sustain.

No, that will be vetoed.

But I could see us staying in these seats and reclining.

I think.

Because you're not going to fit laying down.

No,

my best bet.

We're just spitballing.

My best bet is...

Do we sleep in shifts?

No, not at all.

We both recline.

We get our jackets as blankets.

We recline.

I got my sweatpants.

We can grab another thing of clothes to put as pillows.

But we do have extra clothes and we have jackets.

So we can sleep in here with it pushed back.

Yes.

And Myrtle can sleep in the middle.

Remarkable is the name of the tablet I got.

Just popped into my head.

I think I said it wrong earlier.

Revolutionary.

I was just thinking about how I would just sit here and write the next great American novel

in the car outside of the.

I got about 50% left of my Steam Deck, so I'm Mad Max and shot.

That's the only thing that's going to suck is if that thing dies.

What if I ask the guy if I go in there and charge it?

You think he's not going to take that Steam Deck?

He can also probably explain to you how to use it.

I got that knife.

I'll keep that knife.

You have a knife?

Yeah, you've known it.

I thought you had pliers.

No, I have to.

You should see those two little, you were like, I kept these on me.

Yeah, I got to see you.

I keep that fang on me.

I keep those pliers on me that Dez gave out to me.

Shout out to Dez.

Shout out to Des.

But no, I also have that knife that that fan gave me just in case some shit went down and I put it in the bag.

I told you.

Things a woman has never said.

I have that knife a fan gave me.

You should.

Why, of course.

You should start having your.

You should start being gifted lady knives.

Yes, of course.

The knife that your fan gave.

When you start your eventual podcast, one of your gifts should be ladies bring you knives.

Should we bust out the pepper spray that you got me

so that we have that in case of emergency?

Where is that?

It is in the box with the rest of the stocking stuffers.

Okay.

I can grab both things.

The knife and the...

Yeah, I can get to them both pretty quick.

So don't think we, we know that if somebody could hear this, if this were live, we wouldn't be sharing our plan.

But by the time you guys hear this, we're either dead or alive.

Or we've made it out.

We're back in the big city.

Oh, having bagels with locks.

I'm looking out my driver's side window up at the sign.

I'm having bagels with locks.

I'm wishing upon it.

Oh, fresh fish on a break.

Our lights are still on.

I don't know if we care, but our lights are on.

You can't turn them off.

It's all the way off.

What do you suggest I do, my love?

What about the end of it?

Isn't there a little button on the end of it?

Off, on, off, HBA only with auto light.

What the hell?

Since when am I supposed to understand what that means?

I don't speak Nissan.

Oh man, I just threw the turn signal on.

Turn it off.

Do we just turn the car off?

Is that what you're supposed to do in this scenario?

I don't think.

I think we'll get very cold very quick.

But the lights should be off so the battery die.

Well, the battery won't die if the car's on.

Yeah.

The alternator is going.

God, I know nothing.

Neither do I.

I know nothing.

I've just heard.

We're so screwed.

We're fucking.

And your listeners definitely know a lot.

Like, your type of people are like, damn.

Well, I am their silly boy.

So they know I'm an idiot.

I am their free.

You exchange laughs for their

wears.

You say, fix my car, and I'll make you giggle.

Yeah, and I'll bring belly laughs to you.

And you do a really good job with that.

Thank you very much.

I have gesture currency.

Yeah.

But I don't know what to do right here.

There's a lady in the car directly in front of us that's just got a light on her.

She does?

She's shut the car off.

Yes.

She's tougher than we are.

Not us.

We won't be doing that.

Or maybe do we do that to conserve gas?

We had just filled up.

We are at a gas station.

Yeah.

So we're all right.

You know what we're going to do after this episode?

And we might.

Shit, man.

Shit really goes bad.

We might do a follow-up episode.

We could do a whole limited series.

We could cut this up into 10 episodes, sell it to iHeart, get it out there.

And Myrtle's going to get veneers.

Road Chronicles, fresh teeth for Myrtle.

I love it.

I got my hair tits.

My dog has her Hollywood teeth.

And I'm keeping my bottom teeth crooked.

We went straight to the dog.

Don't affect no kisses.

This is the way my mouth is staying forever.

Because you know why?

It lets you know I'm real.

Yeah.

Because every tooth I'm seeing on TV right now is blue and too straight.

And I don't think, just on like a evolutionary, from an evolutionary standpoint, you cannot convince me to do something that would cause me...

Let me try to express this thought.

I'm never going to to shave my teeth down to little spikes unless I have to.

Which is what you need to do.

Because if I get veneers and something were to happen to one of them, and let's say we're in a post-apocalyptic situation where the world is over and you don't have access to a dentist, suddenly I don't have access to the ability to chew my food.

And that's very important to my survival as a human.

So you will never catch me voluntarily relieving myself of like an instinctual, something that I was given that I need.

Not cutting off my opposable thumb if that becomes cool.

Could I get braces?

Yes, will I?

Probably.

But I just want to get that out there.

I'm not getting Verniers fine.

I am so excited for your older braces, FaZe.

I hate that.

I hate that it's going to be hilarious to you.

It's not going to be hilarious.

It's like number five of my deterrence of why not to do it.

The other one is that I should have done it during 2020 when the world shut down and I didn't go on TV.

But now here I am trying to get back out there and being like, your teeth are more crooked than they've ever been.

You need to fix them.

Would it upset you if I used the lateral lisp to joke with you if you get your braces?

I wouldn't have a lateral lisp if I got my braces.

I know that.

And I know that.

But for jokes.

Which we've already established we definitely need to have.

No.

Because I feel like we could just, you know, be nice.

Yeah, for sure.

But if we aren't being nice,

you can use the lateral lisp.

I just want you to.

If it makes you happy.

I just want because I'm happy.

It can't be Choban.

Please just.

Let me let that chopper sing.

Let me just let it out.

Please, let me just fuck.

Let this dog run.

Let's dog eat.

I love you so much.

We're at 45 minutes, which is an episode.

It is an episode.

But then the bonus footage.

Well, here's, yeah.

Okay.

We might just do a full other episode.

We can just wrap this up, probably.

Did we get to my entire rundown?

No.

But

we did address it.

We got to some of it.

Here's what we're going to do.

We're going to do a little housekeeping.

We're going to check DOT again.

DOT stands for Department of Transportation.

I thought they knew that already.

I didn't.

Nebraska dot, dude.

We're going to learn about this.

There we go.

Hopefully, there's no other episode.

Hopefully, I hope this is the last.

We speak to you.

No offense.

No offense at all.

None taken and none given, but I hope it cuts right back to my big head on our couch, yucking.

Roy Wood Jr.

Woo!

Woo!

And then we're hanging out.

But if not, you know, this was a long and arduous process.

Could

see the Donner Party was

through California.

We're a little bit of a ways off.

I wonder if we just call it the Donner Party episode.

The Donner Party Chronicles.

It is funny that we're shitting on the Polar Express, the Pony Express, and we can't even get out of where we're like, oh, we can't move.

I'm scared.

I better play my video on my machines with my heat and my jacket and my hammock that my dog sleeps in in the back seat.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, they got a light on.

What do you think they're doing?

Oh, they're moving around in there.

Okay.

What are we doing?

I don't know.

They're just trying to communicate with us.

I think they're making TikToks.

Is it just through flashes?

Yeah.

Hey.

S-O-S.

Be friends.

Well, they probably know we're podcasting.

Yeah, they got a strobe.

I also, I was going to say, if anybody saw me doing this, I think I'd be mortified.

If they walked by and saw us talking into microphones, I think I would just pretend we were mentally ill and not well.

Are these?

And also, it's just like salt of the earth people being like, what the fuck are water?

They've got maps open in their car.

They're drawing out roots and drawing?

Isn't this

silly?

Aren't we silly?

Good.

People certainly want to hear our thoughts in this moment.

Everything you're feeling is unique and interesting.

Somebody get this down.

DraftKings.

Don't forget about DraftKings.

Oh, fuck.

I hope we soon.

We'll see you soon, but I hope not.

God, we love you.

If we die, what a metal way to find this SD card.

Yeah.

And then sing it from the biggest server.

Sell it for money.

No, that car's looking for parking.

Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

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