51: Wall of Ted with Brooks Wheelan | Soder Podcast | EP 51

Aww,

freak out.

Yeah, they chic.

Say freak.

Hi, everybody.

It's Dan Soder, and I'm on the road always and never stopping.

This November, I got a badass show that I'm very excited about with few tickets left.

Town Hall for New York Comedy Festival, November 8th at 9.45 p.m.

Town Hall.

Go get tickets right now.

There's a few remaining.

Let's fill it up.

I'm very excited for that show.

And then the next night, we're doing Toronto, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Two shows at the Queen Elizabeth Theater.

First show, completely sold out.

Second show, lots of tickets available.

Go to the late show.

If you don't have your tickets yet, go check out the late show.

It is November 9th at the Queen Elizabeth Theater.

The 730 is sold out.

The 930 is very on sale.

Tampa, Florida.

I hope you're okay after the hurricane.

We're coming down there in November.

November 15th, excuse me, November 14th through the 16th.

I will be at Side Splitters Comedy Club in Tampa.

I hope you're all right.

And if everything's okay, come on out and we'll have a laugh.

Danceodor.com.

That's where you find me.

I'm trying new catchphrases.

Does this work?

That's where you'll find me.

I think that sucks.

Dads hate it when anything other than pool happens on the pool table.

Oh, yeah.

No drinks.

No, don't sit on it.

We were using my friend's pool table as a green screen, like laying down and shooting from up here so we could predict.

Yeah, we were like making cool videos when we were little.

Uh, and he's like, saw the video.

He's like, What is it?

What?

What's going on?

What'd you shoot?

How'd you shoot that?

Do you know George Lucas?

And also, why does it look like you're laying down and you're supposed to be standing?

Oh, my God.

But that actually is brilliant.

Yeah.

To go, like, oh, the felt works as a green screen.

Yeah.

But, dude, you put a drink on a pool table around a dad?

No.

I wonder if that, how many kids have gotten beat because of pool tables?

Like, how many.

It's definitely.

What's the pipeline?

It's like

if you're if you have a shitty pool table, it's like owning a gun.

Like you're more likely to be in some sort of incident.

Yeah.

Like it's it will.

If you have a pool table, there will be an incident.

Yeah, it's just, it's not guaranteed.

It's just likely.

Yeah, they're like, I keep the cues locked in the other room.

I don't fucking.

can.

Also, if you have a pool table and it's the night and you have a family that shouldn't have a pool table.

Yeah.

You know, you got one of those families.

It's like, whoa, you guys got a pool table?

We did a real thing where when my mom got the pool table at the flea market, we like set it up and then kind of did like a half-ass run at having like a pool room,

which meant like we've we got like a cheap Budweiser lamp to hang over it, which was sick.

Yeah.

And then we bought pool cues and like my stepdad was very handy, so he put it on the wall.

But then within

less than a year, no one was.

No, of course not.

I have the craziest

pool table story ever.

It happened in Austin, Texas.

It was like my friend's bachelor party.

We were like 28 or something.

Okay.

And I have a rule.

Like, I was like, I'll go to your wedding or your bachelor party.

I'm not doing both.

Really?

I was like, I pick one.

Which one would you rather have me at?

Because it's all my friends are in Iowa.

So I'm like, I got to go to Iowa twice.

Like, I can't do that.

Yeah.

But we went to Austin and we were like 28 or something, and we got wasted, and we're like a first bachelor party or something.

You know what I mean?

And they're like, we got to get cocaine.

I was like, okay, I know.

I know how to follow me.

I'll figure this out.

Yeah.

And we went to this bar in Austin.

I know where it is.

I don't remember the name of it.

And I'm like asking just straight up blindly, like, do you guys know where cocaine is?

And this one guy goes, if you beat me in a game of pool, I'll tell you where cocaine is.

And I was like, all right, game on.

That is.

Let me tell you something about drugs.

Finding drugs is so fun.

That just made it a thousand times more.

So now I'm excited.

I'm going to play this guy in pool.

And then if I win, he's going to tell us where drugs are.

And if I lose, I don't know what's going to happen.

And we're done hanging out, even though we just had fun playing pool.

He lays it down after he beats you.

He goes, I'm a police officer.

What happened was he racks.

He racks these balls.

He's real cocky.

Like, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack.

And he goes, I'll break.

And I'm like, okay, man, I'm just letting him take the wheel.

He goes to break.

um i fucking swear that this happened he hits underneath the ball shoots it up and it shatters the light above the fucking pool table so i've got

technically i believe

we might have to look this up in the rules of billiards

scratching on a break

is a loss where you shoot it into the lights and they shatter and he was a scratch he literally said i'll go get it i'm sorry his bravado came down so good he's like he's like I freaked up.

That was crazy.

Yeah.

Going from that cocky to apologetic.

Yeah.

Cocky to apologetic is hilarious.

Yeah.

He was like, I goofed up.

That was that was crazy.

Yeah.

I'm not good at pool.

When you want to beat me, I'm Austin Chubbs.

Right.

And then he like loses.

He goes, ah, did he help you get cocaine?

Yeah.

He did.

Yeah, but it was good cocaine.

No, I don't think there's such.

There is such a thing.

But have you ever done good cocaine?

And I don't want to make this up.

I've never, I've only smoked blood.

I've only smoked Coke once.

and

it wasn't even like a thing.

I did cocaine one time when I was in San Francisco, and my friend was like, this is like medical grade or whatever.

And I was like, okay.

And then I realized I'd never done cocaine before.

I was like, no, this is what it's supposed to be.

I've been doing cat, like cat urine.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been fucking snorting just bacon powder.

Exactly.

Bacon soda.

My mom, one time, my parents met in San Francisco and were there for a while.

And when I was younger, my mom goes, one time your dad and I did cocaine that was so good, he wanted to go out dancing.

And your father never wanted to dance.

And I was like, so that's how good I think the Coke in San Francisco is.

Apparently they've got just some great shit where you're like,

we're going out.

Yeah.

We're going to the fucking disco tech.

Anyway, I didn't mean to immediately dive this into a Coke podcast.

That's fine.

There are simply no rules on this.

Okay, okay.

But I think it's interesting that the guy wanted to play pool with someone so bad that he's pretty sure he was just coked up pretty big.

He was like, I just want to shoot some pool, man.

Oh, it sucked me.

I'm too yaked out of my mind.

He was so coked up, he shot it into the thing.

He's like, ah!

I goofed up.

I goofed up.

I fucked up.

I fucked up.

By the way, that is a coke change of emotion to go from being like best ever to being like,

it's all broken.

It's all broken and everyone fucking hates me.

Yeah, and I broke it.

I suck.

I suck.

Yeah, I would get that like when I was drunk and I would fuck up, you know, and then you'd be be like,

everyone fucking hates me.

But I feel like that's everyone with the internet now.

I feel like the internet's so easy to go on and just find some shit about you that goes like, it's like the reading equivalent of breaking the light.

Wait, you can go on Twitter.

Oh, yes, yes.

Or anything.

That's what you're saying.

Facebook.

I'm not talking about like people that are in the spotlight either.

I'm talking about just people in general.

Everyone is catching smoke online.

The worst, so, so, but like drinking and like goofing up like that, like I haven't, I haven't drank like six months, which is pretty sick.

Yeah.

Which is good.

How are you feeling?

Like, really good.

The best part is you wake up, like, when I was drinking, you wake up and you're like, who's mad at me?

You know what I mean?

Like, that's like, what did I say?

That's annoying.

Yeah.

So, like, waking up and being like, if anyone's mad at me, it's not anything.

That's just what's happened, you know?

Did you wait for the hangover the first couple of weeks?

Oh, it was just, wait, what do you mean?

Wait, where you wake up?

You wake up when you don't drink and you go like,

no, I would.

Like, I would wait to feel hungover.

I would like wake up and be like, oh oh i didn't drink i'm fine yeah well i would have it was i had trouble sleeping for like

like three weeks i was like just like insomnia but then but then you sleep the best yeah you sleep the sleep of kings yes and then you wake up and you're like refreshed let's rock like i haven't sat down in my shower in a long time you know what i mean i was i was like that's how you what was your what was your go-to hungover shower method oh you just sit and you just sit in there listening to some podcasts and be like hey babe yeah Water.

My friend Mike, I lived with my friend Mike and Chad in Arizona.

We all had our own bathrooms.

They were like those new apartment complexes.

So the tubs, we were like the first person to live there.

So we would take baths.

Oh,

yeah.

Because you don't, because no one lived there before you.

Love a bath.

Well, then I learned about the shao ba, the little, the, the bath shower.

I have a joke about a shower bath.

Dude, I watched a shower that lasts till a bath happens.

Dude.

Yeah.

That's exactly what Mike would do.

Yes.

He taught taught me how to do it.

It is the greatest hangover cure of all time.

Really?

It is to start with a comfortable amount of water in the bathtub with it plugged.

Yep.

And it's warm, obviously.

You want the warm base.

You lay down.

So maybe your balls are just barely floating.

And then you lay with the slope part of the tub.

And then you just aim the shower at your head.

And then you just lay there and the shower hits you and the water fills.

And then you do what you do.

Turn it off and then you're in a bath.

I lived for shower baths growing up.

We get two G.I.

Joes in there.

Guess what?

The flood's coming.

And they're fighting.

They're fighting over legs.

Dog, you don't want to get into that because we were talking about pools.

You know how many forts you can build on a pool with the pockets?

Because mom doesn't know you're fucking up the felt.

Yeah.

If the guys weren't on the fucking pool table, I would find anything I could.

I remember, like, I think this is the way sex addicts, I'm always so lucky that I'm not a sex addict.

Yeah.

Because I feel like everything to them is like sex, where they're like, I'd fuck right there.

I could fuck right there.

That's all I was with drinking.

I'm like, great place to drink.

That place rocks to drink.

Oh, and beautiful waterfall.

We should, but this would be so fun to drink here.

That was me when I was little with action figures.

Okay.

I go, ooh, what a great place for a final fight.

You go, ooh, I can get that.

Because I didn't have, we weren't poor, but we didn't have a lot of money.

So I didn't have a lot of like, some kids grew up with like the G.I.

GI Joe battle carrier like no, yeah, the battle carrier was out of the question like I remember I got a Fort Legorado one time for Christmas and then that turned into the battle that that was for G.I.

Joe's too.

But even like the He-Man Castle gray skull or like when you went over to a kid's house that has that, you're like, damn, you're living life.

Right.

You got a good life.

The rest of us have to turn the stairs into a fort.

We had a ping pong table.

You throw some blankets over the ping pong table.

Let's fucking go.

Yeah.

I was thinking so that's how I always thought as a kid, where I was like, that'd be a good fort.

You know what?

That'd be a good bad guy for it.

Absolutely.

That's really, yeah.

That exercise.

I wonder if that was an addiction.

I'm starting to wonder if like my action figures or action figures to little kids is the starter pack for like alcoholism.

I think about it.

about like me and my friends would go in the woods when we were like 13.

You grew up in Iowa.

Iowa.

And we would drink like we'd see how many Red Bulls we could drink just to see what happened.

And I'm like, every one of us turned into an alcoholic.

That is a surefire sign that you have an alcoholic.

It's so funny you say that because my friend that I would do that with, Mike McDaniel, we would go drink joke, Jolt Colas.

Right.

Jolt Cola was,

they said on the bottle, it was a dangerous amount of caffeine.

Right.

So for kids, you're like, Yes, because it's not a substance.

It's fucking Coke.

Right.

It's a, it's a soda.

McDaniel and I would go get like high-powered joke colas,

pound them, and then go up to Albertson's and turn off the doors so people would walk into them.

Or we play kickball in the aisle.

That's very fun.

Wild boys.

Both of us have drinking problems.

Right.

Well, both of us are now reformed alcoholics.

I like his new look.

I mean, because when I'm a Dolphins fan, like, they're my favorite team.

And like in the comedy world, you kind of find out who the other Dolphins fans are.

Roy Wood Jr.

Jr.

Jim Florentine.

Yeah.

But like you randomly start tweeting about the dolphins like golf care no no i didn't but i was like so did dolphins they were on like a solid run and i was like dude what's up and then that's how you're like that's my buddy's team dude i was like jesus what yeah this guy rocks his new look is sick he looks cool he's always looked cool yeah he's always when we became friends the first thing i remember about mike mcdaniel was he had the ken griffey jrs oh he showed up from greeley colorado he moved down to aurora and he had the ken gruffey jrs and i got introduced to to him through Jason Poyle, our friend.

And I was like, who's this kid with the cool sneaks?

Always had style.

That's always the most style.

He looks, he's in the right place.

Also, do not envy his current position.

It's tough, man.

It's tough watching your friend.

I, you know, during the football season, he doesn't,

well, even after the football, he's hard to get a hold of.

Well, dude.

He's like one of those guys that you have to contact his wife or people around him.

And I was talking to his wife because I'm going down there for the Raider game.

Okay.

And

she was like, he doesn't respond, but he reads his texts.

He's just so busy.

Yeah.

So text him.

So I've been sending to him like, buddy, I know this is a diarrhea storm.

But like, dude, as a fan of the Dolphins, like, I'm like, I don't even know how I feel about Tua coming back.

I'm not coaching them.

I always want to help my friends,

even when I'm severely underqualified to do so.

And I'm always like, I'm like trying to put together, because now I'm invested in the Miami Dolphins.

Yes, they're the best.

so i care about the old school throwbacks yeah oh they'll yes the dolphin with the helmet it's the only gear i wear right i mean this one is cool like that dolphin popping through it's fine no i want the dam marino jersey you want the cartoon dolphin with the helmet on yeah it's it's similar to like how i feel about even though i'm a 49ers fan how i feel about the denver broncos where they wear the d with the with the horse coming through it you're like i like a little i like a logo a little more cartoonish also talk about dumb like not poor but not rich little kid brain for picture day from first grade through fourth grade every photo for picture day i'm wearing a damn merino jersey because it was the most expensive piece of clothing i had that was your tuxedo yeah i was like better dress up this is my best shirt you're leaving you go hey mom you notice how the three on the back is getting peeled off because we've washed it so much no there was no undershirt just a big like just so much like chest sticking out because you buy it big you're gonna grow into it and grow into it i could swim in my steve young jersey that i wore until i was yeah in high school dude i ruined my uh dan marino jersey i was so up i was so worried to tell my parents what i did when i was on the swing set right and i was doing the jump see how far you can jump it got caught in one of those s hooks so when i went to jump off of the

hell it ripped it off of me that's kind of cool though no not in a good way it wasn't it wasn't like i busted through it like pulled me back but still ripped i thought you busted through and you're like i'm the king of the hockey body body slammed me i don't have a shirt on i'm like a a little knocked out i'm like my fucking dan merino jersey so i stapled it back together and like just put it back with my clothes your mom's like uh

my mom was like what happened oh my god dude getting a jersey now they're so easy to get on fanatics and stuff but like getting a jersey when you were a little kid was like Did you go to the team and ask for this?

Like, you didn't understand?

You were like, I remember I got the classic 49er with the three white stripes, red and white steve young jersey i still remember unwrapping it and being like it's scrapest day of my life dude scrapest day i wore that steve young jersey i have so many pictures with the eight falling off it's just gone it's just you could tell there's an there was an eight there and it's just me being like then i got a i got a reversible jerry rice whoa get out of here that's fun dude my dad one time we lived next to the field of dreams oh yeah which is a tourist you really did live that close to it uh i mean 20 minutes i built houses there It's in Dyersville.

I was from Manchester, 20 minutes apart.

Yes.

Where we would go to Dyersville to buy beer because

our parent, we were like less of a chance to run into someone's parent there.

Oh, I thought one of the ghosts from the field worked there.

They don't ID.

Ghosts don't ID.

Ghosts don't ID.

Ghosts are cool.

Ghosts are cool.

If you ever go to a liquor store to ghosts work in there, they're not going to ID you.

They're chill.

They're in the ether world.

Yeah, they're chill.

They're very chill.

But there would be like crazy, like, like Hall of Fame games there sometimes because everyone's obsessed with this stupid goddamn baseball field that I hate.

The Field of Dreams is just propaganda for Iowa.

It's fucking trash.

There's a sign that everybody has on their cars in Iowa.

It's like, is this heaven?

No, it's Iowa.

That's from the Field of Dreams.

And I'm like, it sucks here.

Like, this is making you feel okay to live in Iowa.

This is a fucking shitty movie about space traveling ghosts.

It's dumb as fuck, barely even about baseball.

This guy's a fucking idiot.

I love the heat you have for this.

No, it's also stupid.

It's like all those cars are coming.

I'm like, we're going to park in fucking Dyersville.

It's stupid.

I hate that movie.

It fucking gives a lot of people in Iowa pride, and I disagree.

But it is fun, though, that you admit Iowa sucks, but this, like, is this heaven?

No, it's Iowa keeps people being like, I'm glad I live here.

It's like being with an abusive husband, and he goes, no, but you can take a punch.

And she goes,

right?

Okay, never mind.

I thought it was bad.

Okay.

So they had this, like, really, they had this like Hall of Fame game or something, and George Brett was playing there.

My dad loves George Brett.

He's the man.

Yeah.

My dad likes guys who are kind of assholes.

I shit my pants last night.

Yeah.

Have you ever seen that video?

Oh, of course.

My brother's name's Brett after George Brett.

Really?

Yeah, I'm Brooks after Brooks Robinson.

My dad just named us after baseball players he wanted to meet.

There's like a lot of photos of Brooks Robinson being confused, holding me, and my dad's in the back like, what up?

Like,

because baseball players used to have to go to fucking card shows because they weren't paid very well.

Yeah, they made like $40,000 each.

Yeah, imagine like Derek Jeter sitting down and meeting all the psycho fans for $5 a fucking autograph.

I named him Derek.

Yeah.

Hey.

Like saying it, but like saying it like he's gonna get emotional.

Yeah.

It's your kid.

Yeah.

And he goes like, I named him Derek after you.

So my dad goes to this Field of Dreams game.

George Brett's playing there.

Yeah.

He gets fucking, he gets bombed or something, like pays way too much money to win George Brett's game-worn jersey.

Yeah.

And they're like the same age.

And then my dad puts it on and like he's out in the parking lot wearing like a fucking game-worn George Brett jersey.

And people in Iowa are the dumbest people I've ever met.

And they're like, it's George Brett.

And my dad doesn't stop it.

That's fun, though so he starts signing a lot of autographs as George Brett

he signs like a bunch of autographs until one guy gets up there and he's just like what the fuck this is not George Brett that is because that's before the internet yeah it's like you had to watch games

also that's just we always talk about the destruction that alcohol does right can we talk about some of the good stuff yeah that's really fun because that is so funny yeah your dad's just in a George Brett jersey going come here I'll sign that he's just got baseballs and shit he goes who is this too?

Hey, you're welcome.

My dad said he's going to be.

Co-royals.

Co-royals.

He's like, the one thing I did feel bad about is some guy came up and he showed me his jersey that had like all of these Hall of Fame signatures.

You can't do that.

And then one false George Brett signature.

He's like, I feel bad for that.

You can't have Sandy Koufax on a jersey and then you're just your dad.

And then Jim Whelan.

Jim Whelan is so funny.

Who is that?

Jim Whelan?

Jim Whelan?

But honestly.

That sounds like a Hall of Fame baseball.

Right.

Yeah.

That sounds like a Hall of Fame baseball.

If you were like, you know, Jim Whelan played for the Blue Jays?

Oh, yeah.

76 to 81, I'd go.

Incredible.

He's really, that guy.

He fought a lot, right?

Well, dude, your whole family's tough as shit.

Oh, they're.

And what's crazy is you're a sweetheart.

We have two older brothers who were

mean, but now we're nice.

Yeah, which is how you want family to be.

I don't know.

It got, I would have taken nice.

I'm an only child, so I'm like.

I would have definitely taken nice and then still nice.

Like, that's what you want.

You were the baby?

Yeah.

What's the difference between you and your oldest?

So

six-year-older and four years older.

Oh, yeah.

And they fought a lot, like, hard.

They still don't get along.

Like, like, in a funny way.

Yeah, like, they'll be like, they'll do like kids' stuff as adults.

No, no, it's, no.

My middle brother

is a head wrestling coach in Iowa.

He's like good.

He's like a good.

He's very, very good.

He's very good.

And then, so our oldest brother stopped fighting him once they got even, And it's upset my middle brother very much.

Because he wanted to say.

I can fuck you up.

And my other brother's like, I don't fight anymore.

He's like, I want to fucking kill you.

You know what?

I'm way on your middle brother's side.

Yeah.

Because you know, because shit runs downhill.

Yeah.

And your middle brother caught all the shit from the older brother, which means you caught all the shit.

And I caught all that shit from him.

Yeah.

Who's now a

teaches people how to beat kids up.

Yeah.

And like, I can never,

I'll never be able to beat him up ever.

So I don't know what this feeling he has is.

That's why you're funny.

Yeah.

Because you can diffuse you learned how to diffuse the situation by being silly well not between them no that one no not those two but like but i'm saying even with them fighting me when i was little like you couldn't get out of it there was no funniness to get out of this did you ever get him once with like a joke like break him no i don't think so damn i don't to this day i'm pretty sure they're like what it's not good

They're supportive, but I don't think I've ever told them anything.

They're like, oh,

they're mostly like, do you know Dan Soder?

They like good comedy, they really do.

Um,

you guys play your cards right.

Shane Gillis might find out about you.

But you, uh, that's what's crazy is because you guys all wrestled, right?

Yeah, but

was your dad a wrestler?

No, my mom's brothers were all wrestlers.

Oh, I got a fun 90s story, coolest 90s thing in the world.

My uncle, who was the state champion wrestler, who then played football for Missouri, won like five episodes of American Gladiators when I was like seven.

Dude,

your uncle was an American Gladiator champion?

Won like five episodes.

Yes.

Ted LePage.

Ted LePage?

No, he's on YouTube.

You can't do it.

We're a fucking buddy.

I'll fire up the big screen and we can fucking put it on.

I'm fucking hammering people.

Dude, I would do a watch-along of American Gladiators with you.

Do you smoke pot?

I know you quit drinking.

No, I'll double-skoke pot and do that.

I would smoke a joint and watch an American Gladiators with you.

So you, because so your mom's family, are both of your families from Iowa?

We're from Missouri.

Missouri got too exciting for them and they went to Iowa.

Those arts got too cracky.

Yeah, it's too fun.

So your family

was from Missouri.

Was from Missouri, yeah.

And then were you the first generation from Iowa?

Yeah.

So then in Iowa, wrestling's huge.

My brother's.

My brother Knit's the biggest.

Yeah, my brothers are spazzes, so then they start wrestling.

So then I wrestled.

And

I was decent at wrestling.

Dude, you were better than decent.

You were second in the state of Iowa.

Well, when I, in like fucking

middle school, in high school, I never placed.

I don't give up.

Sure.

Fuck.

Anyway.

Do you know how bad at wrestling I was?

Okay.

Do you know how how absolutely bad at wrestling I was?

A single mom.

I'm just a sweet boy.

And then I fucking get into it.

Dude, your uncle looks badass.

Dude, you should, yeah, you should watch him play Breakthrough and Conquer.

That was

awesome.

He was just lighting up gladiators in the

ring because he was state champ.

So he's just like fucking tossing Gemini on his head and shit.

Gemini and Nitro?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that documentary was great.

There were two documentaries about American Gladiators.

The one on Netflix I liked more because it was more complete.

For sure.

And it talked to the actual gladiators.

It didn't do like the Hulu one.

It was like, oh, this is how it was made.

But those gladiators were mostly just fitness models.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

So a guy like your uncle is a big fucking problem.

Right, for sure.

And so, but then a state champion wrestler going against a guy who's usually like just taking Roids to go like, American Gladiators?

You don't know American Gladiators?

Dog.

What?

Oh, my God.

There would be no American Ninja Warriors.

Are you not American?

American?

Yeah, no, he's younger.

So you got to explain that.

Oh, okay.

How old are you?

32.

He's 32.

Yeah, you might have just missed it.

That's what it is.

It was a cultural phenomenon.

In the late 80s, early 90s, American Gladiators, hi, younger kids.

It's me.

Your Uncle Dan.

American Gladiators was a competition show where they had these

quote-unquote gladiators.

Strong, big, strong fucking

laser, power, Gemini, lace.

Lace.

Like diamond.

My dad was always like, I like diamond.

She looked like Trump for some reason.

It's diamond for me.

She's a sexy girl.

So they were all like these like.

Huge roided-out dudes.

And then they would have contenders come.

Regular people would come and do different games like Breakthrough and Conquer.

Or they would do like Powerball.

However, they would have these like nerf balls and they have to put them in these baskets.

While you're getting fucking just attacked.

It's like American Ninja Warrior if if while you're doing it somebody bigger is trying to pull you off yeah it was awesome great documentary on netflix that's six parts about like all the cte that occurred all these people that get knocked out because what they would do is they would go get guys who compared to a guy on steroids looks like a regular guy and they'd be like hey what's up my name is john yeah i'm a uh military drill sergeant and then some of these guys were fucking animals like

my uncle was like uh like he's played you know he's like a fucking starting safety for Missouri.

Which, I'm going to tell you right now, any position on the field, safeties can crack and cover

fucking problems.

He's just a really fast, strong dude.

And so, like, he could go in and wreck shit up.

I love that.

I can't wait though.

I got to watch.

Are all the episodes on?

No, no.

But there's a few where he's really lighting it up.

And I'm like, and but then when I would watch it with my friends, I had the inside scoop.

I was like, my uncle says that Nitro's a pretty good guy, actually.

Yeah, I would do that all the time.

No, and I'd be like, Viper actually is a dick.

Yeah.

Just to let you guys know, Hollywood and Gemini do not get along.

Yeah, that's exactly what I was doing.

And you, so I'm just, I'm trying to live through this through a mind of a seven-year-old.

Okay.

Because that's what I'm saying.

It's the most exciting thing ever to happen to a little kid.

Like, your mom's little brother is on American Gladiators, which is already your favorite fucking show, dude.

I was

losing my mind.

The only way it would be cooler is if your dad was a pro wrestler who fought Hulk Hogan.

Yes.

Like, that would be, at the time period, the only thing, that was the only thing that would be bigger is you have a family member who not only goes on American Gladiators, but kicks the shit out of them.

Yeah, he didn't, he lost in the finals.

I remember to the eliminator got him?

No, no, like he won like five to get to there was a tournament.

I remember the tournament.

And like he lost to a dude in the final.

I remember, I even remember the guy's name, like Will Clifton or something.

I was so bummed.

I was like, gosh dang it.

That guy's that guy must be insanely good.

Yeah.

Because like in my head, there's nobody better at sports than my uncle.

And then I was like, somebody's better at sports.

What the frick?

Who the fuck is this guy?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but that, I mean, they, because they would get like, um, it was always the army guys that were a problem.

Like if someone was like, oh, first class lieutenant, and then they just show and fuck shit up, and you're like, oh yeah, this guy was in.

Oh, yeah, I loved it.

The footage is great.

Of his uncle?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Let me see it real quick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My uncle's a rad dude.

Then now he's the football coach in Missouri and like crushing it.

I mean, I would just, this would be day one.

I'd show my players this footage, you know, just let you know.

I mean, they used to play it all the time on ESPN Classic, and I would call him and be like, you're all fucking ESPN Classic.

ESPN I think he was a little like, ugh, you know, I think maybe he's, he just wouldn't.

I wonder if he goes through like stages of it.

You know what I mean?

I'm sure that he's cooler than now, but maybe when he was like, you know, 35, he's like, yeah, I was like, you know, 23 then or whatever.

Larry Zonka, dude.

Larry Zonka, dude.

Dolphins right now.

Dolphins, right?

One of the classic dolphins.

Yeah.

So.

Who do we got here?

That's definitely...

That's my uncle.

That's Ted.

Shout out, Uncle Ted.

Yeah.

Oh, dude, this purple American Gladiator thing is is at my grandparents' house.

Oh, we'll edit this in, so this will be bottom-up.

Okay, okay, yeah, they, because it gets like ripped.

Oh, it gets ripped in this thing, and so the that ripped American Gladiator jury was like on the mantle at my grandparents' house.

Do they have a wall of Ted?

Oh, they got a fucking wall of Ted.

And they have six other children.

Really?

So it's just a wall of Ted.

And then small photos of their other page.

First round.

Yeah, look at that.

He's fucking, yeah, he's a tough dude.

Yeah, dude.

He looks like a football coach.

Oh, yeah, he is.

Cliff Miller?

Cliff Miller Miller wasn't a coach.

Oh, fuck.

He does lose a fucking Cliff Miller.

Yes, but he loses.

Oh, no, we're not going to watch this another time.

But, dude, I would absolutely watch a full episode.

Oh, no, it's fun as hell.

Because, so when you have, like, that many brothers and sisters, and one of them is a phenomenal athlete.

And he's the youngest by like a lot.

So he's the baby.

Yeah.

And the wall of, dude, the wall of Ted.

Yeah, the wall of Ted is legit.

Very real.

And you and no one can be like, what are you doing?

Yeah.

Because it's a lot of accomplishments right there.

David did that too.

Yeah, yeah.

you kind of want them to suck a little bit so you're like i mean why put that on the wall but then you're like oh fuck that's actually kind of cool i'm glad you guys put this up here yeah that is awesome so when is that what got you guys into wrestling was your mom's brothers yes because they were so good at wrestling that then they started wrestling and then did your dad have like the inkling of like oh well my brothers-in-law are good at wrestling Let's try if the, let's see if the boys are good.

Was your dad?

I think it was just my mom being like, my dad loved baseball, straight up.

He names us all after baseball players.

So then he was like, you know, he's just loved baseball and basketball and we weren't good enough at those things.

That's so funny.

Wrestling is great if you're not good at real sports.

Well, I'm saying you could, like, I don't have coordination to like catch or throw far.

Yeah.

And you could maybe learn that, but like you can like kind of learn wrestling without like real.

Determination is the number one thing in wrestling.

Yeah.

I've noticed from any of my friends that I know that were good at wrestling, Greg Warren, Mike, Mike Vecchion.

Yeah.

They're like, they have this thing

of like iron, like just laser eye focus.

Yes.

Where they'll go like, I'll go through hell to get to this.

Yeah, it's like the one sport where it's like, you got to run through that wall.

And most people are like, I don't want to.

And wrestling's like, I'm going to run through the wall.

We do wall run-throughs.

Yeah.

We got to do three of these before we practice.

It's like, for what?

What?

No, we smash through drywall.

It does like cardio.

It's also, I think it's just such like a non, it's such a sport that nobody watches, so there's no glory in it, really.

Well, there's the thing where it's the Perfect South Park episode where they explain that

professional wrestling is like all theatrics right it's all entertainment it's all storyline and shit and then you and that you are literally watching the polar opposite of it which is like grit yeah and determination there's no flair no flair these guys don't like interviews they don't even they don't even want to wear the things that protect their ears no they're just like i do not have to because it hurts dude the funniest thing is like after the ncaa like division one championships they always interview like some absolute psychopath who just won who just became the best wrestler in the United States.

And they're like, how's it going?

He's like, good.

Like, it's just, these guys have just dead eyes.

There's a book called Fighter's Mind by Sam Sheridan.

There's also a Fighter's Heart, but in A Fighter's Mind, Sam Sheridan interviews Dan Gable, who's like the Iowa wrestler.

Yeah, that guy, whoa, dude, talk about losing my mind during COVID.

I freaked out because Dan Gable's very around.

I saw him a lot growing up.

He's the coach of the University of Iowa.

Also, a legendary Olympian, a legendary.

The most famous wrestler in the history of the world.

Like this guy, this guy won three national titles in a row.

Two.

They could only do...

He went undefeated his whole high school and college year.

But when he was in college, you couldn't wrestle your freshman year, so you could only win three.

So I'm wrong.

But he won't be.

Which I mean who's totally fine.

Then on the third, he was in the finals to win his third straight.

Never lost in his life, high school and college.

And in the final minute, loses.

He lost Solari Owens.

It's a regular Cliff Miller over there.

Yeah.

For my uncle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cliff Miller.

Yeah.

I hope you're doing all right.

Oh, catching straight.

Cliff Miller's like, what the heck?

I love this podcast.

I fucking watch this shit.

But anyways, Dan Gable, just to let you know how big of a psycho he is.

He got pinned his senior year to win the thing.

He went on, he was so motivated by that.

He went to the Olympics and didn't have a point scored on.

And then he won the World Championships in the Olympics back to back and retired and then coached the University of Iowa to like 21 NCAA championships.

So he's like legend around town.

He's like the Iowa guy.

Legend, legend, legend, legend, legend.

Was kind of a dick to my brother because my brother was the head coach of Waterloo West where he went and then he was like, this new guy thinks he has some, like, he's all like, my brother's like 28.

I was like, don't hurt my brother's feelings, man.

Dan Gable.

But then, so then Dan Gable was like my hero growing up.

Love him.

Go watch his speeches, go to all his wrestling camps.

And then during COVID, he broke my, my, when we were all just a little shaky, everyone.

Right before the fucking election, when you were just peak losing your mind.

I was drinking so much my back hurt.

You know what I mean?

I was like, why is my back hurt?

I'm not anything.

And Trump went and I, dude, I was just like down.

I was, it was dark.

Trump went and gave

Dan Gable the presidential medal of freedom as a way to get votes in Iowa.

Yeah.

Because they're like, I'm going to give up their favorite guy this thing.

And then Dan Gable like raised Trump's hand and pointed at him and said, now this is a winner.

And I broke every brain, like every like cell in my brain.

Cause I was like, no, Dan Gable is the working man.

You work hard and you achieve.

And this is the opposite of that.

He's a rich guy.

He's a piece piece of shit.

And I just went off on Twitter.

I was like, fuck Dan Gable.

Like, fuck Iowa.

You're all pieces of shit.

And then I was like, I was like, Slipknot fucking sucks.

They're from fucking Ankeny.

Ankeny is a fucking rich kid town.

Like, Corey Taylor, you're a fucking piece of shit.

Dude, just like so mad at Iowa, so mad at, and my whole world is.

Full heel turn.

Dude, I get a call from my brother in the morning.

I was like hungover, wake up, and he's like, yo, my friends reach out to me.

What are you doing?

And I was like, what?

He goes, you're fucking up back home, man.

Like, you were, like he's like do not say that about slipknot okay

he's like corey taylor corey taylor's from waterloo okay he's not from makeup like he just schooled me on slipknot he's like dude gable

daddy's so funny that the first person they go keep slipknot especially in the age we live in where people are like if you mention a presidential candidate in the wrong way either side will threaten your life.

It's just so funny that the first one is they go, fucking Slipknot, dude.

They've done a lot.

There's four volumes of spooky ookie crazy music yeah dude well it's like gable and slipknot are like what the most iowa thing you can have so i'm just like i need to i hate iowa yeah uh and then i was like i'm sorry then i like tweeted at court taylor was like look man i was wasted dan gable just broke my heart wouldn't court taylor or anything better of course not i just called him a pussy now you gotta wear now when you go to ironically now when you go to iowa you have to wear a slipknot mask i wouldn't so no one i've listened to wait and bleed after that and was like it is a really good song they got they got some bang they've got some really good ones

you cannot listen.

If we're gonna sit here and shit on stained, yes.

No,

I'm only, and it's only I'm only mad at them because Ankini, I we wrestled there one time, and I was like, this is a really nice school, and this is where Slipknot's from.

I wish I was from here, but a lot of times the rich kids are the ones whose parents are the coldest

because they're into money and society.

So that's where the demon is.

That's where they're so mad.

Yes,

that's where the evil gets from.

Yeah, it is a rich suburb of Des Moines, which might be be worse than like the small farm town that I grew up in.

Well, no, a suburb of Des Moines.

That's where you're like, I'm not even in Des Moines.

I can't even get Des Moines.

Honestly, kind of how I felt growing up in Aurora.

I was like, I'm not even in Denver.

How far away is that?

It's maybe 15, 20 minutes

south.

It's all connected through suburbs.

Right.

Like you would never know when you're in Aurora and then all of a sudden you're in Denver.

But that's like really the only suburb of Denver that gets its own like classification.

It's It's a city.

Yeah, it's its own city.

I don't really know.

Honestly, I'm too stupid to speak on this.

I don't really know.

I do know that Aurora is its own city with the worst fucking catchphrase in the world when you drive in and out of from the airport when you go into Aurora from DIA.

It says Aurora.

It says All-America city.

Like it's not even an all-American city.

An all-America city?

All-America.

That's what the sign says.

And look it up.

If you're driving on fucking

pena boulevard from the airport it says aurora an all-america city and you're like it's fat it sounds ai they should yeah it's also funny if they were like uh all-america like

anyway you can go uh all-america city what are you doing and my mom said the school district was good here what's going on with that um Mustang that you guys got at your airport?

Oh, the creepy horse?

The blue demon.

Killed the guy.

Killed the guy that made it.

Really?

Yeah.

I think when they were like installing it, it fell on him.

Can you look that up so I make sure that I'm not lying?

But I'm pretty sure that that thing killed him.

It was DIA, they went for some wild late 90s swings that did not age well.

No, there's like people with gas masks.

There's that mural that's super fucked up.

Yeah.

Which I don't know how they explain that.

I don't.

It fell on him in his studio.

It fell on him in the studio.

So not even installing it in the studio and then killed him.

Put it up.

It's fucking spooky.

Yeah.

I think it's supposed to be a tip of the cap to the old Bronco that was on top of Mile High Stadium, which was pretty cool, which I think they have it in Vesco or whatever that stadium's called now.

But yeah, that like...

Also, Aurora is the world in a city our story our way.

The world in a city.

But then why does that sign say in All-America City?

Also, the world in a city.

What the fuck?

The world in a city.

Yeah.

That's how they get rid of these Venezuelans.

Then he's going to tell my mom, I've been fucking with people so bad that have been like, because we're we're having Andrew Callahan on the podcast.

Okay.

And he did a channel five thing about the Venezuelans in Aurora.

So I'm excited to talk to him about it because I've just been fucking with friends of mine that think it's real.

They're like, dude, is your mom okay?

And I go, no.

Wait, is that a thing?

Is that a thing where they said Venezuelans are coming to Aurora?

They're saying a lot of right-wing news sources were saying that a Venezuelan prison gang took over multiple complexes in Aurora.

There was a robbery involving a prison gang from Venezuela, but those guys like robbed an apartment and then left.

But then the it's it you should check out the channel if you're watching this right now.

Check out the channel five documentary.

Okay.

We're going to have Andrew Callahan on to talk about it, but he goes and talks to everybody.

And like there's a lot there.

There was a, there like was a prison gang, but it didn't take over the apartment complex.

Sure, there is.

But a lot of these like

these key words are just like you know, like uh

migrant robbery.

Well, you find out in the documentary, the owner of the apartment complex, which was like not picking up its trash, not fixing its plumbing, he fled to Florida and then gave that story to this publicity firm that put it out that this Vans Winland prison gang took over this apartment complex.

I think he did it to get out of the bank fucking trying to get him, but right all I know is my Twitter and my Instagram are people being like, dude, is your mom all right?

And am I not going to fuck with you?

Yeah,

you're going to go with fake news.

You think I'm not going to fuck with you?

So a lot of times I'll just be like,

it's bad.

They took her back to Venezuela.

She's in a Buela for a family that she's never even met.

She's a Venezuelan grandma now.

And it's not even her kid.

It's not even a real grandkid.

But it's like, it's hilarious.

I think that shit.

That's, if you're going to, if we're in this age of misinformation and everything's fucked up, have fun with it.

Dude, my fit, like, I, dude, I fucking love the Donald Trump McDonald's shit so much.

Like, I genuinely think it's the funniest shit ever.

It's brilliant.

Like, he's like, she didn't wear a McDonald's.

I'll go wearing McDonald's.

And I'm like, this is so funny.

I'm telling you right now.

So funny.

I'm telling you right now.

It's the media that's making us feel like this is the apocalypse.

But it is so funny.

Watching presidential candidates go on fucking podcasts and try to act like they're regular people is the best comedy I could have ever asked for.

Did you ever see a teacher that you didn't get along with outside of school with your mom?

Dude, we had to do a parking lot meetup because

not in a sexual way.

I

was

failing eighth grade.

Okay.

Like across the board.

That's hard to do too.

They want you out of there.

They want you out of there so bad.

If you're failing eighth grade, you're being a real dickhead.

You're doing something crazy.

And it sounds like you had a normal mom, too.

My mom was a good mom.

Yeah, so you must have just been really wild.

Well, I was going through some stuff.

Okay.

And

you got to miss a lot of school.

A lot.

You got to be a little truant.

Right.

If you're not going to pass eighth grade.

Also, you can do no work, I found out.

But we got to this point.

That's an option.

My mom goes, if you get more

than

an F,

if you get more than one F,

I'm going to make you repeat eighth grade.

And I was like, uh-oh.

No, you won't.

And my mom's like, are we, do you want to go down this path?

Right.

And when I realized she was serious, I was like, it was like maybe like three months left of school.

And I was like, fuck.

And my mom's like, so

you better find a way.

So I was.

Because remember how all your, all your friends are going to go to high school.

Dude.

And that's not, that's, that's exciting, probably.

It was.

The most stressed I've ever been in my life because it's like, oh, I have, it was like a movie where they're like, you have to care.

You have to care or you're going to be back in eighth grade.

And everyone was like, I was like, fucking high school.

I'm going to miss high school.

I would have graduated 02, not in 01.

But

I like went to all my teachers and I was like, listen, I told them, like, I won't repeat.

And a couple of them were like, well, you're failing my class.

And my French teacher was like, listen.

I'll give you, I'll make an exception and I will give you extra credit if you go do the first semester's packet that you did not do.

Okay.

And I was like, you would do that?

That's reasonable.

It's also a lot of work.

A lot of work.

I think it was like close to two to three hours of French work every Saturday and Sunday for like four weeks.

So I didn't have a weekend.

No, no, no, no.

I would just have to sit inside and like, and I can't speak French for shit.

Right.

But I learned how to like conjugate and do all that shit and like do the worksheets.

But we would have to meet her at the King Super's parking lot to like hand over the dossier.

Wow.

And it was like a teacher that I was like.

That's a good teacher, though.

I was, dude.

Yeah, Mrs.

Christian.

I forgot her name.

Fuck.

But she was cool.

Shout out Mrs.

Vale that also did it, who became, she's Mrs.

She was Mrs.

Stone and then she got remarried.

But Ms.

Vale graduated from ASU and then was our eighth grade English teacher.

And we were not easy.

No.

She goes to my comedy shows when I'm important.

I think eighth grade is the worst you'll ever be to an adult.

Yes.

Like that's the hardest because like I just you have no empathy for what they're going up to and you're trying to show off for girls now Yes, so you're like I'm gonna destroy this idiot's life cuz it's funny to me because I can never see myself having that life It is you reach the point where you're a spicy child.

Yeah, it's spicy children.

It's a lot of like what are you gonna do about it?

They just reach a point where they go like you ain't shit to me.

Yeah, it's like when I realized like you can't hit me.

Yeah, you know like because like sixth grade you're like you could really hurt me.

But in eighth grade you're like if you hit me I'll sue you.

Like that's the only thing you hit me.

I could I might have a chance in the fight.

I'm i'm starting to hit puberty yeah like i i have hair i have two hairs on my balls try it dude i'm eighth grade were you a bad kid in eighth grade i mean i was the worst type of bad kid because i would get good grades so my mix so they had new so they had no

i don't have ammo against me and i would go you know and you get your mom on your side early like how's you know school's like mr kramer's got it out for me you know like you get her boiling

well you get her boiled up before she goes in you know what i mean and then she goes in and you know she's got your back a little bit my mom always went in with the thing of what did he do oh okay my mom knew yeah my mom knew my mom knew i was a class clown my mom always knew the thing my mom always knew the thing that my mom always was told was

dan's very funny he just does it at inappropriate times

and so my mom would be like she would come home and hit me with I'm surprised I don't have this tattooed in old English on my back.

There's a time and a place.

Okay.

Because my mom would always fuck.

My mom's going to laugh.

She watches this podcast.

When I, hey, mom, when she's, when she sees this, she's going to be like, I did say that all the time.

Yes.

Because they would be like, because by the way, I would fucking kill.

Like, yeah, I react like I'm not being funny in class.

Like, right.

I'm fucking.

That's fun.

I'm bringing it.

Dude.

And when you get, I was saying this to Sagalo recently when they go, like, go out in the hallway.

That's your like, good night, everybody.

Yeah, thank you so much.

Don't forget.

All right.

Yeah.

Don't forget to tip the teachers at the end.

I'd love a pudding at lunch if you have credits on your account.

Dude, in eighth grade, we got, me and my friends got quickly kicked off of all the field trips.

Yeah.

Like pretty quick.

They're like three strikes, nowhere field trips.

And then it just turned in when they'd go on field trips, like me and my four best friends at school.

Like, no, which, but we weren't even having school.

They're like, you just have study all.

And we're just like, this is way better than going to the museum.

Fuck the museum, dude.

We're going to do so much stuff in the class.

We're downloading World of War, like early World of War warcraft stuff like it was so fun i'm so lucky i didn't have computers yeah we had a computer lab and you had to like dude computer lab we had computer lab and the thing was they would like change the change this website to uh this very graphic image of a woman and we would make it your background and

then when you would go to sit down and open up your computer, it would be like the craziest sex image you've ever seen.

I remember Lemon Party from high school.

And that's like 0-1.

So that's how old Lemon Party is.

If someone in 0-1 knew in the computer lab, I can bring up a picture of three old men sucking each other's dicks in a daisy chain.

And I'll leave this on the computer.

And I remember high school me being like, could be the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Funniest thing I ever saw anybody do in high school.

I sat next to this kid, Mitch, and we were in typing class.

And this has been like 2002.

And

he was a real kind of a weird guy.

Here's what Mitch would do.

Mitch would wear this cradle of filth shirt to school a lot that said Jesus was a cunt.

Wild.

Big old.

Yeah.

And they would be like, Mitch.

Yeah.

Turn inside out.

He's like, I just think he's a cunt.

Yeah.

So that's Mitch.

And if you can believe it, Mitch, very fast at typing for our age.

This guy lived on the internet.

I'm going to tell you right now, if Mitch is still alive,

his capability of decimating me is very high.

Oh, for sure.

He's, dude, so this is what he would do.

It was so fucking crazy.

Computer lab, I'm sitting next to Mitch.

Like, he's wild, but I think he's he's so fascinating.

So I'm always asking him, what's up?

And he's like, can't be bothered with me.

But what he would do is he would,

we'd have like a lesson.

It's like, you know, speed around five minutes, get all this done.

He'd jam that out in like 35 seconds.

Not even fucking joking.

It's like a machine.

Then he would go to a porn site, find an image, hit print, clear the history, and go back to typing.

So then, because you had one, one printer up front.

Right on the side of the right next to the teacher where she's up there and just start clicking on it.

Chimpan!

And then the teacher would be like,

she's like, who's printing?

And then she would slowly realize, like, oh my God.

Like, as the image came out of, like, you know, this gangbanger, she's like, oh, God.

And then she said, hands up, everybody, hands up.

And I'm like shaking with how hard I'm laughing.

So she comes over to the Jesus was a cunt guy and was like, pull up your search history or whatever.

You're in a search history.

And the guy knows way more about computers than her.

I mean, that is, that is a, he is the adult.

She's the child.

That's exactly true.

Just proves.

He's like, what?

What?

What?

And then I'm just like crying with confusion.

You know.

It's the funniest thing I've ever seen anybody do.

Just about.

And she just slowly be like, oh my God.

Yeah.

And don't forget, guys, we're going to have another.

This, that, that stopping.

Chip him.

I got Mitch a job at Papa John's after that because I thought he was so funny.

Then he refused to give him his social security number and left.

And they're like, what's up with that guy?

Go, he's just Mitch, man.

That guy's crazy.

Have you ever looked up Mitch?

Uh-uh.

Find him.

He's a cool dude.

I want to know where Mitch is.

He's either doing something really great or something really bad.

He is either full Kaczynski or like a tech.

He like lives in Palo Alto.

Absolutely.

And he goes, Brooks, I'll have you down to the beach home.

There's no middle ground.

None.

There's no just a guy that works at like a city.

Mitch, if you see this, hit me up.

You're the man.

Please make it.

You made me laugh so much.

Mitch, please find us.

You're out there.

You're on the internet.

Yeah.

You're a ghost rider.

I got to go talk to you on the internet.

Find us, Mitch.

Cool guy.

Yeah, yeah dude that's those are my favorite my favorite people were the really smart people who were very talented at something yeah but also kind of didn't give a

no this is the best it's like i those friends that are like talented beyond my friend matt lamparzik who's he's in the navy we started comedy together but he's just like one of those guys that does everything so well right that you're like oh dude like he was a drummer in a metal band and now he's just like a dad but he'll like fuck around and you're like, God, dude, you're awesome.

I can't do any of that.

I had a buddy, this guy, Justin Potter, like in high school,

like state champion, like he would run the, like, I asked him what his favorite fastest mile time is.

He was like, oh, probably like

four, like 29, which is crazy.

Yeah.

Chain smoked and would run all the time.

Just smoking, drinking, and be like, I got to go.

be the fastest person you've ever seen.

I love that shit, dude.

I love people with just like an insane amount of talent and they're not sucking their own dicks by it.

I think that's why everyone's over celebrities now is because there's I think there's I think those people are cooler than anybody that pretends to be a superhero.

I think those people are cooler than anybody that like you're like, oh, big deal.

You have a fucking TV show.

This guy can fucking backflip.

Right.

You're like, let's go back to that.

Did you ever print off a porno?

That's not funny.

Oh, what?

You did a good job in Romeo and Juliet?

Yeah.

Hit the fucking skids.

You're right, though.

Celebrities are out.

It's done.

It's cooked.

And you could tell.

That's why.

How do you feel about the Costco guys?

Love them.

It's going to be the greatest.

Sagalow and I on the road talk about this too much.

There's going to be a huge documentary coming out.

Yeah, it's going to be a real E True Hollywood story about Big Justice and AJ.

But it's going to be a Netflix doc for Parter called Boomer Doom.

The story of the Rizzler.

I love the Rizzler.

See, I want the Rizzler.

I like the Rizzler on his own.

I don't like him with this little subgroup.

You know, I'm like, what's the wild?

Rizzler, you got Rizzler.

They are.

You have something special.

You don't need anybody else.

You can do this.

Go solo, dude.

Go solo.

Solo record.

Yeah.

They are the human version of the mock arena.

Yeah.

And young people will not understand because the mock arena was everywhere and then it was gone.

And that is what will happen.

I think that is.

Is that you're like, oh, the president did the macarena.

AJ started trying to put some of his pro wrestling into it.

And I'm like, uh-oh, this is where it crumbles.

We stick to Costco.

But then you find out, because the Rolling Stone did an article on him.

Really?

This guy was doing videos for his real estate thing.

Okay.

And then he put his kid in the video.

Oh.

And they did the double chocolate chunk.

And it blew up.

And it's like they got a hit.

And then it's so funny in the article.

He was like, and then my son said to me, no, dad, now this is.

our channel.

Jesus.

He didn't say that.

He said, I want to play with my friends.

And he said, make the video all right we're gonna find you a little pudgier friend because it looks like a pokemon yeah he goes what if i

what if we found the unevolved version of you and we gave him a cool name like the because the risker's not even related to that yeah no i know it's the guy from the internet that they were like let's bring him let's get the rat pack they're the new rat pack he's our sammy davis jr yeah yeah and by that he's gonna lose an eye to diabetes unless they fucking unless they let him fucking run but it it's it's one of those things where that's the new it's so funny because the celebrities now are influencers they're people that film their kids sleeping they're people that yell in their car or they eat a double chocolate chunk it's it's all that it's not like sir anthony hopkins that's why it's going to be funny with like the queen it's going to be sir rizzler like when they start you know when people get so famous they're like he got knighted yeah he's like

well but those people are more those people are more fun to meet because you feel like you know them a little bit well that's the thing is it's parasocial yeah celebrities uh the allure of celebrities where you were never gonna see them if you did you would lose your mind right now it's i'm friends with all these people yes and these people are you know and i think that's actually

it's why i put a podcast it's why i put on last podcast on the left if i'm just like cleaning the house no because you're like listening to something but it doesn't feel lonely No, not at all.

You're totally right.

And then like, but then because

then you build up this relationship that you have, but it's a totally one-sided relationship that when people like when i run into podcasts that i like i'm like you have a i have like a like an inflated sense of how famous they are because in my brain they're so famous do you know what i mean because i do i listen to them so much spend so much time with like fucking these wrestling podcasts that i like flow wrestling i love it and these dudes are just like normal chill guys but when i see them i'm like holy heck like you guys are really important to me that's george brett with your dad yeah You know what I mean?

Like, that's like your dad meeting George Brett and naming his son after, you know, him.

and then like meeting him and being like I name my son after him George Brett's like shit man I hit two for four that day you know he's like I got a beer and I fucking yeah I think I had a thick woman at the holiday inn give me a room key but I don't really remember that that much nice to meet you man but that's why celebrities back that that's what's interesting now about watching old school quote unquote old school celebrities that are actors and musicians and stuff Kind of learning from podcast people of like, okay, I got to be a little more open.

Dude, I like, I had, I had my podcast for like four five years this podcast any level was really fun i liked doing it but then i got sucked into this i sold this tv show and i had to like develop this thing for fox for like two years and it was like i was so i was like this is more important to me the fox show and it was a really dumb like in the grand scheme of things like Fox show didn't go and I just kind of like tailed off in this podcast.

I'm like, oh, dude, you always got to keep that podcast rocking.

Well, the thing that, and, you know, I don't know shit.

I'm fucking, you know, I'm doing all right, but I don't know.

I'm not by nowhere near like the top.

But what I found is that you're pretty close.

It's, you just, you have to build your own audience.

Yeah.

And that's why all these networks and other things are freaking the fuck out right now is because they were the place that gave you an audience as a stand-up comedian.

They'd go, here's your TV show.

Now you can do theaters because all these people know who you are, but now you have to go do theaters.

And then the networks are like, oh, people watch you.

It's why the presidential candidates are on podcasts.

It's why it's all this shit because it has flipped and there were people that saw it coming and they're way smarter than both of us yes you know like

schultz fucking saw that shit was very good at that and he fucking nailed it

also there's other people that were just like like last podcast on the left i knew henry and uh and ed and marcus at the creek in the cave yeah when we used to just drink or whatever and they were super into scary movies and all that shit and they you genuinely saw them build that podcast out of love, and it became bigger than any TV show they're going to do.

Absolutely.

I mean, dude, I had this idea with Carl Hess, who I go camping with a lot, where we have this idea where we go to every national park and we do like what the hardest thing we can there and like record it while we're there, just like audio, and then like from the studio, pitch it back.

We're like, here's where we went to Yosemite, we're going to do this.

We just wanted a podcast about camping in national parks, and then we pitch it to some people, and they're like, what do, yeah, we should film that.

I'm like, then it's a TV show.

Yeah.

But then we have a crew.

The whole reason we get it.

Also, it is, it could be, here's the the thing is like,

I think that's all.

I think that's what it is is with the internet, everything changes so fast.

Yeah.

And everything moves so much faster that all these people that were gatekeepers are now, like, it's funny they were the gatekeeper, but then the gate moved in front of them.

Yeah.

And they're going like, ah, yeah.

I mean, and we're in this like weird little fucking zone where like

the everything changed for us that we're like but for the better no but i just mean like if you saw somebody you know five years ago bring in a fucking camcorder that you had never heard of that was going to film their own set you're like what are you doing yeah that was that was like i mean he you know it was just like it was like this guy must be whack and then like or or the idea of like you're gonna cut up all that stuff and give it away we're gonna self-promote and like now anytime i see somebody setting up a camera i'm like they're about to be way way bigger than me yeah because i'm so lazy i don't do it well i also see people with clips and i go like that's a good clip yeah they're gonna fucking and it's just how it moves and you see people where they're like there are people.

It's funny to watch, especially living in New York City, watching the old guard be like, nah, this is how you do it.

You go, yeah, well, you guys said Carson was big.

Yes.

Carson, there is no Carson.

Right.

There is no equivalent of Carson anymore.

It is fun.

I've been in LA so much lately that coming here, I'm here for like two weeks just doing a bunch of shows, like seeing how evolved you are compared to what's going on in L.A.

Well, they don't just run around with their head cut off.

That's what it feels like.

Because they were lucky because Rogan and them were there.

So they didn't realize it was happening.

They didn't realize it could move and change everything.

And I think that's what Rogan moved in to Austin did.

I think it really showed a lot of these LA people, like, you had a huge media source there and you didn't realize it.

No.

You didn't realize when he left, there was going to be this vacant.

Yeah, also, like, COVID like ruined all the ruined the alt scene, really, because, like,

the difference between New York and LA, I feel like.

COVID really showed, because when COVID happened here, you guys were like, we're doing shows on roofs and we're starting podcasts.

And when COVID happened in in LA, we're like, We're going to

go to the national parks.

Yeah, we're going to go camping.

We're going to go sleep in our backyard.

Exactly what happened.

Yeah, I mean, we were doing, I mean, how many shows did you film in like alleyways and fucking rooftops and backyards and shit?

There was like park shows.

I think New York was just, dude, I remember one time during Black Lives Matter, I was doing a show in the Lower East Side, and the promoter, who was a black dude, he was great.

He was like, hey, cops, show up.

You're on that mic.

I need you to start saying,

no rest till peace.

They're like,

Come up with a slogan.

That's great.

We're going to get in trouble for doing a comedy show.

We won't get in trouble for protesting.

I was like, so I was just waiting to be like, yeah.

And then I said to her, what are you fucking Black Lives Matter?

Black Lives Matter.

It's such a funny pivot.

Dude, it's awesome.

Thanks for coming by and doing the podcast.

Yeah, thanks for having me, man.

Check out everything online that Brooks Wheeler.

Yeah, actually, I have a special coming out Monday.

Fucking A.

Yeah.

Watch the special.

This will be out.

This will be a special video.

Okay, yeah.

This is a special called Alive in Alaska.

Alive and Alaska.

Did you do it at Chinook Charlie's?

No,

I did a two-week tour of Alaska, shot it, and then shot it at this place called the Beartooth Theater.

Oh, great.

It was sick.

Dude, that's where in Alaska did you go?

I did McCarthy, Juno, Sitka, Cordova, Saltatna.

I lived in Saldatna.

You lived in Saltana?

That's one of the worst towns.

I worked at Pacific Star Seafood.

Shout out.

For a summer.

Saldatna?

My aunt lived in Kenai.

Yeah.

Which was right by Saldatna.

Great fishing.

Great.

Yeah.

We lived in Soldatna.

I worked in Kenai.

Okay, cool.

And then Fairbanks, Fairbanks and then finished it off at Anchorage.

It was a cool ass tour.

Okay, so you did all the way down.

Yeah, we did Carnathy down, up, and then back.

Yeah, because

it wasn't planned well.

Soldana's in the Cook Inlet.

Yeah, Soldana was just, that was my least favorite show.

Really?

Yeah.

They were, were they just...

I just think it was promoted poorly.

Okay.

And that's on me.

Well, they, I went and looked for a job before I got hired at the cannery.

Yeah.

My aunt lived up there, so I just wanted to live with my aunt.

Where's it at a cannery?

Yeah, but I went and applied everywhere else first.

I applied at like restaurants.

I applied at a landscaping place.

I applied at a radio station and none of them would hire me.

And I went down, it was in May, and I went down to

Pacific Star Seafood, and this fisherman got me a job there.

Dude, so you were there for a whole summer?

Yeah.

This fun place to be.

Great.

It was great.

It was very hard work.

Very, very hard work.

But those guys get fucked up.

Yeah, I was very lucky because I was like,

I got the job before the college kids came.

Okay.

So they didn't think I was a college kid.

Whoa, that's huge.

They didn't even know I was a college kid.

That's huge.

They just thought I was a guy living up there with his aunt.

They didn't know I was in between my family.

They thought you were like them hiding out while some shit cooled off.

100%.

Yeah.

100%.

Which was funny because I did have to go.

I had to leave to go to court in Colorado.

Yep.

So that was when they were like, oh, he's all right.

But the opening joke of my specialist, everyone who lives in Alaska is like, I came up here for a week, been here 89 years.

Also, I'm one at for manslaughter.

Yeah, dude.

So that's why.

They also pay you to move to Alaska.

Really?

because there's an oil reserve, yeah.

So, when you become an

at least, that was what it was 20 years ago.

But if you move up there and you become a citizen, they send you a check for like fucking $1700 or something.

I've been there like three times, and I always dig it, but I've never been up there in the winter.

So, me neither.

I've never been there in the winter, it's dark, but my literally my aunt had a fucking cool house in

Soldotna, like off this path, and she had like three acres.

I would go smoke joints and walk around in the back.

The mosquitoes were nightmarish, right?

But I found like this fucking 19th century bear trap that was rusted open.

It was rusted completely open.

And I tried several different times.

I threw a boulder in it to like set it.

That's like the funniest, best stone in your 20 in the woods find.

Like no way.

And then I was just, I was just on a rock holding a rock.

And then it bounce off the thing and I go, oh, dude, one time.

And I might have told this story on another podcast, but it was true.

I was in the backyard and what I used to love to do is

drink like a six-pack of Rolling Rock, and then my aunt would go to sleep.

She was like an ex-drug addict, so she didn't want any drugs.

But I'd bring weed with me, and I would go smoke a joint on the back patio, and it'd be light out, and it'd be like fucking 11.45 at night.

And I was just chilling there, smoking a joint, just having a good time.

And then the golden retriever next door starts barking.

And I'm like, this dog's going fucking nuts.

And I was like,

it was a hill.

And I look up the hill and there's this giant brown bear just going going like

And I was like dude if I watch a bear eat a dog right now It's gonna change my life and the fucking dog was like pinned like the leash was pinned to a thing in the ground and I was like my first thought was do I run over there pull it off the leash to let it get away from the bear but I'm not going near a fucking and the bear was like

75 yards away.

So it wasn't like right up on it.

This bear growled.

The dog was like pinned on its leash like fuck it motherfucker fuck you And then the bear went ah this just ran back up the hill and i was like

i just went inside after that i was like dude i ain't watching it i ain't sticking around that's one of the coolest places alaska go there it's

it was sick so right before the special i went down to seward right before we taped like the actual special and i went on a jog through um the kenai fjords national park hell yeah which is one of the most beautiful drives ever in the world yes no it's so cool but i but i went on like this really long like 10 mile run like deep in the woods and i realized i didn't have fucking bear spray and i'm like this is where the grizzlies live like they live like down on the fucking coast and I was like I scared myself really bad you know what I mean because I was like five miles in and I like took my headphones out and I'm like all right we're fine like this is how I die what am I doing yeah I was like you're trying too hard bud because that would be a thing where they go did you hear brooks whelon got ate by a bear and I go yeah I believe it I know I just want when I die people not to be like that makes sense

for sure for sure

and I was like so then I just had to kind of like jog jog back, but like listening, you know, because I'm like, this is where they live.

I'm like doing the dumbest thing I can right now.

There was a road where I, where I lived called Funny River Road.

Yeah.

I guess what it was called.

If you live in Alaska, you know that.

But they were like

65% chance to get attacked by a bear walking down that road in the summer and you're like, fuck that.

Yeah.

And then in the newspaper, story of a guy.

got attacked by a bear killed it when you kill a bear they cut they take the body but they cut off the paw and they give it to you.

So the guy was holding the paw of the bear.

He had a fucking massive wound on it.

And he was, he was like bandaged up, but he was holding the paw.

And you're like, fucking, so the fact that you just ran in the woods is numb.

No, it was dumb.

And I realized it.

I probably could have got caught looking back at that bear trap, like when I was high being like,

throwing fucking rocks and shit.

I mean, also, I saw, I camped at this place in Montana and then the next weekend, a woman was eaten out of her tent by a bear in that campsite and uh I was like back there on my way back through Glacier and I was like that's so terrible and people are I hate when people like are like she had gum in her pocket that's what she did I'm like I don't think you deserve to get eaten by a bear because you had gum she ate red robin yesterday yeah theaters don't do that that seasoning attraction she got eat by a bear that's got to be the worst way to go yes that has to be the worst way to go because what you're doing is at the moment of your death you're realizing that nature doesn't care Oh, God.

That, like that unrelenting coldness where you're like, you're just gonna kill me.

And the bear's like, yeah.

Dude, I just watched Cruising Man recently.

Oh, yeah.

And it's like Timothy Treadwell.

Quincy.

Quincy.

Yeah, he's like, he's like, they're so magical.

And then Rena Hurston's like, I see Nassin Zinzer eyes.

Just cold stare.

Yeah, DeBao's drunk.

We were in Ohio at

we were visiting my cousin to go watch her kids play football.

And the hotel we were staying at was in a parking lot with a place called

Werner's Smokehouse.

Okay.

So every time Katie and I left the hotel, we went, Werner Hosag's smokehouse.

Yes, I do documentaries, but what I love more is smoked beef.

So every time we walked, we'd go by Werner, we'd go to the hotel about Werner Herzog's smokehouse.

Seth Myers was telling me he had Werner Herzog on and tried to explain to him what Documentary Now was,

which is Seth's show.

Yeah.

And they parodied a Werner Herzog one.

He's like, Yeah, we did this one on, I forget which one they did it on.

And he like pitched it to Werner Herzog.

He goes, There was nothing funny about that.

Like, this was like absolutely not going to give us to you.

Oh, then never mind.

Yeah, yeah.

Fuck face.

Then I guess we're not going to have fun here today.

Yeah, no, exactly.

I can't see him having fun, but I am very interested in him.

Dan, thank you for having me on the

drink.

Pod, you're the man.

Check out Live at Alaska on YouTube right now.

Brooks Wheeler's the best.

Heck yeah.