49: Fut vs Fue with Matteo Lane | Soder Podcast | EP 48

Aww,

freak out.

Yeah, they chic, say freak.

Hi, everybody.

It's Dan Soder, and I'm on the road always and never stopping.

This November, I got a badass show that I'm very excited about with few tickets left.

Town Hall for New York Comedy Festival, November 8th at 9.45 p.m.

Town Hall.

Go get tickets right now.

There's a few remaining.

Let's fill it up.

I'm very excited for that show.

And then the next night, we're doing Toronto.

Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Two shows at the Queen Elizabeth Theater.

First show, completely sold out.

Second show, lots of tickets available.

Go to the late show.

If you don't have your tickets yet, go check out the late show.

It is November 9th at the Queen Elizabeth Theater.

The 730 is sold out.

The 930 is very on sale.

Tampa, Florida.

I hope you're okay after the hurricane.

We're coming down there in November, November 15th, excuse me, November 14th through the 16th.

I will be at Side Splitters Comedy Club in Tampa.

I hope you're all right.

And if everything's okay, come on out and we'll have a laugh.

Danceodor.com.

That's where you find me.

I'm trying new catchphrases.

Does this work?

That's where you'll find me.

I think that sucks.

We had the same doctor.

Yeah.

And I think we're in this age right now where science is so good that people are getting procedures done that if you don't tell your friends, that's the point of the bit I do on stage.

It's like, you got to tell people because they'll go crazy.

The bit I had, well, I had a couple.

I loved yours.

Yours,

if you go watch Mateo's YouTube special, it's unbelievable.

I open with I Got Hair Transplanted.

Yeah, and you start it right off.

And I love that.

I love, that's what I always loved about stand-up was you didn't see comics for a while back in the day when they would do specials.

And I always loved when a comic you hadn't seen in a while would open a special with something that you heard in the news.

And they would be like, boom, here's a bit.

Joan Rivers did it great.

A lot of comics different, like, you know, Chris Rock did it great on Bigger and Blacker where he was like, I was at the hotel and two white kids got in the elevator and i was like not with you know it was right after columbine right so i love that so the way you opened with i got hair transplants i was like yes this fucking rules yeah i my my favorite joke you know when you do jokes and like most of them you're like it's enough but then some of them you really miss yeah my favorite thing i said was uh i i because you when you We're losing your hair, you're in denial.

Yeah.

So it's just 10 years of being like, another bad haircut.

And then that was one of my favorite jokes.

That was the joke I was going to say.

We were like, another bad haircut.

Because it's it's true.

I just couldn't believe that I was like losing my hair.

And then I was like, I wouldn't put my head under the water.

I was like a gay alligator just floating the whole time.

And then this, I went to Miami like a month ago to do shows and I was like swimming in the water.

Headbanging in the water.

Yeah.

Do you see old pictures of yourself?

And

all the boys at home with hair boobs will tell you this.

Here, I'll show you right now.

I was just showing Katie because it's so horrific.

Like that was the back of my head.

Wow.

Okay.

did let me show you mine wait this is the front we're showing each other our hair before

tits before we got them done

because my hair went up to here like it went up to there yeah so i had i had it what's funny is now when i see old pictures before i got hair tits

like when i was getting my space wig i was so good at

i was so good at uh combing my hair forward that people legitimately didn't know so that was me oh yeah so you i had this almost almost the same hairline as you.

Yeah.

You could see it going back, and people were like, oh, it's not that bad.

And you're like, by the way, I hate when people tell you that you're not losing your hair when I know that I'm losing my hair.

It was the most insulting thing in the world.

You look fine.

And you're like, I don't want to look fine.

I want to look more Puerto Rican than I am.

That's what I'm going for.

You're wondering why we're sitting like this.

This is the only time I've switched positions on this podcast.

Because Mateo came with to the gayest and the most honest request I've ever had on this podcast.

You came early.

Yeah, you came early, but you went, my right side's my good side.

And I went, I don't give a fuck.

I'll sit on, this is where I sit when I play video games, so why not?

It's the benefit of doing, uh, like being a guest on a straight guy's podcast because I'm like, they don't know that they have a good side.

Even Katie said that.

I said, Katie, do you think Dan gives a shit if I ask his the right shit?

She goes, Dan doesn't know what he's like.

She has to dress me like a retarded child.

Remember how I did your hair one night at the cellar?

And Katie was like, that's the way we have to do that.

You have to start combing your hair different.

And it really is, I've walked around my whole life.

I remember in college, I had a Caesar cut, right?

But I put it down.

And I remember my roommate's girlfriend was like, push your hair up.

Like, push it up.

And I was like, ew, no.

And then I moved to New York.

And what my friend Kelly was cutting my hair.

And she's like, your hair should come up.

And she changed my hair.

And everyone was like, great haircut.

And I was like, damn, Melissa, I owe you a big apology.

All those years ago, you told me the way to go.

When did you start losing your hair?

i didn't notice it until i was on

the

impractical jokers cruise oh god i remember that cruise and i got out of the water and uh ramon rivas a comic from cleveland yes is sitting there and he goes yo you know you're losing your hair right and i was like huh

And that's when what's funny is I went to Justin Silver and I was like, hey, you have a hair doctor or whatever I'm losing.

And he goes, I've been waiting for you to approach me about this.

And I i was like did say something wasn't petting a cat and then turned around in a chair to finally you've come to see me but he did send me to the doctor we both use dr carlos wesley yes who i love look up dr carlos wesley the best this guy is the best hair tits guy in he won what he won but he is rated uh top 20 hair surgeons in the world have you seen famous people in the lobby yet uh

No,

no.

Well, yes, because when I was getting my hair washed, but he was a sports guy, and I don't know anything about sports.

Joe Buck?

No, I don't know if it was Joe.

I wouldn't even.

I literally think Joe Buck is that character John Candy played.

I literally

Uncle Buck

with the pancake.

Yeah, they made pancakes.

You're like, Joe Buck's in my house making a giant banca.

I'm going to get one more in my crown just to finish off.

Can they do that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They did 500, but I'm going to go for like the final.

But you have to wait a year to do another consultation.

But I'm not in a rush.

I got the hairline I wanted, so I don't care anymore.

So what's funny is when I'm 40.

And I don't know if this happened to you when I do the bit

about getting a hair transplant.

No, no, no, no.

Everyone's like, what's funny is I thought I would get gasps.

Everyone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

What's funny is the DMs I get after the show from guys being like, who did it?

Who did yours?

And you're like, oh, I'll tell you.

It's Dr.

Carlos Wesley, but you're like, it's in New York.

But.

You don't realize how many people

want that information.

And I was the same when i found out about it i was like and when i told katie because i need i was still doing the bonfire and i was like when i got to procedure because i got an fut you got

with and the difference is fut is they take a strip out the back of your head yes and they put it on top of your head well that's that they take

that's that's how dumb

they fut is the old is an older procedure they still do it because you can get more graphs out of it but they've moved to f you just because you don't get the scar yeah so what they do is they cut out a strip of your skin which I didn't do it because I just didn't want the healing part but that was by the way the whole part of the recovery was making sure the scar was okay that's right that let me see the can you see the back you can't really see it anymore you can't really even see it if you like look no you can't see it

well so that's what I mean this is just going to be an hour-long commercial for Dr.

Carlos Wesley but Dr.

Wesley was like the reason I'm so good is you will not see your scar yeah he's like if you do this right if you do the healing procedure right, which I'm so glad, this is why I'm so glad you're on the podcast.

Because there's stories I haven't been able to tell about it because no one knows what I'm talking about.

So after I got to FUT, they banded you up, which same with FUE.

Yes, I woke up and I looked like I looked like Jafar.

I looked like the Sultan from Aladdin.

Yeah, I thought.

I kept telling Katie I was one of the guys from Dragon Ball Z.

I was like, dude, I'm talking Piccolo from Dragon Ball Z.

They were wrapping my head, and I remember they were like, because the joke I make is like, they, I came and they give you like an ambiene and like a valium.

Yeah.

And I was like, this is a lot, but I don't do drugs.

But I'm sure they had a meeting.

They're like, well, he's a New York A, so you better.

You know.

They go, sorry, we're poppers.

We came back to you.

They just put poppers under my nose.

Were you awake at all during this surgery?

I woke up once.

Evidently, I requested Game of Thrones.

So I woke up and there's just blood everywhere.

And I was like, I have to pee.

And then they like walked me to the bathroom.

And that was it.

Really?

I remember coming to, having, I just remember coming to a little bit and going, How's it going?

And they're going, it's going great.

And I was like,

and I was just back down.

Back down.

And then you go home, you take a Valium again to sleep because they want you to sleep.

Sitting up like a horse.

Yeah, you

really do.

You just have to in the middle of the night.

I'm like,

someone changed him.

I'm just stomping.

But

they're like, you have to, like, he, you know, when a a doctor tells you something so many times that it makes you nervous?

Yeah.

Where you go, okay, well, now I'm actually nervous about this.

He was like, you have to heal this scar or else it'll be bad.

By the way, the first time I did Rogan, I didn't know Rogan.

And he was walking in front of me.

Oh, he had the scar.

And I go, oh, you got FUT.

And he went, what?

And I went, um.

Isn't he open about it?

He talks about it.

He goes, oh yeah, he goes, I got it back in the 90s.

He's like, you can tell by the scar I got.

He got the 90s.

And I was like, oh, I got, which is like getting LASIC in the 80s.

It's like getting your foot cut off in the Civil War, and they just wrap it, and you die a few months later, anyway.

In the 90s, is wild.

They go, We think this can work, literally.

That's what it was.

And then you look at most people, it's just like ant legs sticking out of their head.

Yeah, they're very good at it now.

But he was like, Dr.

Wesley was like, You have to fucking do this, or the scar is going to be big.

You're going to have like big scar tissue.

So, I bought this.

He was like, You have to soak your head.

Yeah, twice a day.

And

we had to do it too because we wanted the fue scars which fue is where they take just little bits of hair all around but it can leave a scar so you have to sit in epsom salt baths for 15 minutes a day yeah yeah yeah yeah so the first i bought an inflatable

uh i bought like an inflatable you can buy them on amazon that's like you could put water in it's got like a little space for you to put your neck and your head in and so i was like oh beautiful this will work great and i just put it in our old place in jersey i just put it on the bathroom floor and i laid down and all the water came out from it because i filled it too much so i laid down and just went and just like washed under me and i was like oh no no no no no and katie got up and just like it was just like wet it was just a fucking scene katie's like what did you do i was like i laid on the ground she's like you do it in the tub i agree with katie and i was like fuck i should do it in the tub and then i had to like this year i got my hair washed i went every single day they can wash it for you you pay them extra really that they can wash it for you and you do it once a day so me and this woman mona she was from romania but we could speak italian to each other because they speak italian kind of in romania anyway we she would watch so you would go in and get

yeah but it's they like it scared me so much but it was funny when i'd like have to go soak my head people like where are you going you're like i have to go soak

you're like it's like where you pray five times a day where you're like i gotta go soak my head five times and then i went to my grandma's house who she has like this shitty townhouse or whatever in the the bathroom i had to put my legs up up against the wall and like lay down.

So I was like an L, but my legs were up on the fucking thing.

So

I didn't travel for 10 days.

I didn't move a muscle.

I stayed home every day.

I flew after

five days.

Oh, wow.

No, I just flew.

Did you get the lump, the like water in your head?

No.

I did.

Because

when you sleep sitting up and then you ice your head every single hour, you didn't ice your head, did you?

I didn't ice my head enough.

And then my head got like

igor.

Dude, my, my head got got

my type

of monster.

That's matching.

That's the impression I was actually looking for.

I figured it out.

The monster.

Let me see if I can find this because it is wild.

When you see it like lumped up in the front of my head, and I was like, Oh, I do have an ugly picture of myself.

Hold on a second.

Nicole Bayer always makes fun of me.

We'll text these to Pimp so he can put them on.

He can put them on the podcast.

Damn, our ugly ass heads a lot.

Yeah.

But when I got it done, I did it because I was like, oh, well.

There, yeah, mine was a a little swollen.

I look

That's so funny.

That is exactly

when I got mine done.

I like woke up and I was like, oh, this is fine.

And then when I traveled, I was like, this was a bad idea.

It was a very good idea.

That's why I said I did it here.

Everyone's like, did you do it in Turkey?

I said, no, because I want to be ugly at home.

I don't want to sit in an 18-hour flight with looking like a gusher with my head swollen like a fruit.

Would you see that?

That story about that guy that got hair surgery.

Yeah, what happened?

I couldn't even.

I can't even.

You probably can look it up.

He was traveling, flying to Miami, and he had hair surgery, and it kept bleeding.

And he ran out of bandages.

So it was like bleeding on him.

And they're like, sir, you have to stop your bleeding.

And he was like, yeah, let me go ask my brain to stop.

Like, what?

And he like made a scene and they had to like land the flight because they, so I'm trying to see when.

All right.

So I got it done in November.

Here we go.

Of 2021?

2021.

Okay.

I got it done in August of 2021.

Can you see how my forehead is?

It does.

You look like Mark Zuckerberg here.

Yeah, but it's like, it like, see how it's like right here?

It's like fat, like all the, there was like a, a swelling right here, and I was like, ah,

ah.

I was like, push on it and shit.

You do look like Igor a little bit.

You have like the, yes.

It's, there's a lot of blood on this forehead.

Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck.

Well, then they didn't bandage him correctly.

Like.

That is crazy.

Yeah, that's a lot of blood.

I will say.

That was me after.

Yeah.

Well, there you're like also robbing a bank.

Yeah, I look at what you were doing there.

Darth Vader, when they took his mask off.

So I can't believe that you decided, because that was my first thing.

I said, when I ever, when I get my first paycheck, like my real paycheck, whenever I, you know, quote unquote, make enough money, I'm going to get my hair done because I don't want to think about it anymore.

And it really, I forget how much time I would spend on my hair.

That was what I was walking.

You are so straight.

That is ridiculous.

You look like you're giving a baptism in a fucking alley.

Like, you look like.

That is ridiculous.

I think I still have that around here somewhere, but

I held on to that.

I did it twice.

I told you, right?

Oh, really?

I adjusted it this January.

Yeah, yeah, because I wanted my hairline lower and my hair to come in more.

Okay.

So like even these hairs like are a little, you know how they have to like mature?

Yeah, they have to come in.

Even these are a little like.

Well, that was the reason when I got it done, I was still on the bonfire and I was like, well, I'm not going to get it done.

And then if it doesn't work,

just be the guy that did it and it didn't work.

Right.

But then it worked.

Yeah.

No, it worked both times for me.

I just wanted more hair.

Yeah, the person that noticed it on the right side.

Giannis Poppas was the first person that noticed it.

I didn't tell anybody.

I came in and just like that Brooklyn street sense, he goes, you look different.

What happened?

And I was like, and then the next week we were sitting outside and I was like, I got a hair transplant.

And everyone was like, oh, shit.

And you're like, yeah, I'm kind of comfortable talking about it now.

I told everyone.

Yeah.

Couldn't wait.

Well, that's what I loved about it because I feel like we know a lot of people that have had it done, but no one talks about it.

Yeah, we do know a lot of people that

I know a few comics that have had it done.

God, if I had a Patreon, that would be the Patreon episode.

There's also a few comics on there that are gay that are also not.

Oh, that would be...

That's a whole list of that.

That's the Patreon episode.

Yeah, that would be.

Tell us.

I would ask you to split the joke without.

I go, we have to set up Mateo an account so it splits halfway.

But yeah, that, I mean, that's what I always think is weird is like, we're in a position.

as comedians, when something goes bad, it's not bad.

It's a joke.

Well, it's not that it's not bad, but our pro I think a lot of things that happen to people, it feels very insular.

So it feels like it just happened to that person.

When in reality, it's an experience that a lot of people have happened to.

So comedians kind of shed the light on the fact that we're all kind of like going through this.

Yeah, that's what good comedy does.

Good comedy, you're like, oh, I feel the exact same way.

Even if they're from a completely different situation, if they can identify something that feels a certain way, you're like, oh, that's...

Exactly how I feel.

Yeah.

That makes me feel better.

I mean, some things you keep secret, obviously, but it's it's like for the most part, you do.

I mean, there is that part of your brain, like no matter what trauma you're going through, you're like, but it could be funny.

Like, you're at brunch, you say something funny, like, okay, I'll write that down.

And then suddenly it's 15 minutes a bit.

And then after a year of saying the fucking joke, you don't even feel anything anymore.

That's what's weird.

That's what that's healing.

Yeah.

And when you're like, oh, how can you talk about your dead dad every night?

You're like, I don't even really acknowledge it.

Right.

It's just.

Or like I came out of the, I had before, like, I could sell tickets for like 14 years on stage.

I had to come out of the closet every night.

I mean, you opened with you singing.

Oh, remember that joke?

I used to have a joke.

So I'm gay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a true story how it came out to my dad.

I used to have a joke.

It was like one of my first joke at like the creek in 2011 or whatever.

I would go up and I would go, oh, me o babinocado.

And then people would be like, what?

And then I go, that's a true story how it came out to my dad.

Which later I realized, oh me o babino caro means oh my dear father.

I like subconsciously connected a thing with a you know when you came out to your dad was there a feeling of like,

what if this goes incredibly wrong?

I mean, obviously.

No, because my older brother's also gay, so he really took a lot of this shit for me.

So he went first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He walked so you could run.

Well, it skipped so I could mince.

But yeah, I would say so.

My family is very funny and they all deal with pain through humor.

So I think that's just kind of how it got away with it is we all just made jokes about it.

Was there anyone in your family that let you down when you came out?

No.

Everyone.

Even my grandparents.

They don't give a shit.

They're all like, yeah, great.

Yeah, no one cares.

That's incredible.

Yeah, no, I feel very, I feel very lucky about that.

Like, even my grandparents today, like, my grandpa's like,

you know, I'm so proud of my, because he's got three gay

gay grandkids.

He's like, I'm proud of my gay grandkids.

I'm like, there's a lot.

My aunt Cindy's like, yeah, you have to prove yourself straight in this family.

There's just a lot of gays running around.

If you're a straight member of the Lane family, you have to be like, nah, nah, nah.

Check this out.

I love pussy.

I love pussy so much.

I'm doubling it.

My uncle Mike tried so hard, like, because he was very accepting, but he's like Irish Chicago, Southside.

He married an Italian-Mexican woman, my aunt Cindy.

So, like, there's just a lot of this.

And he was like, one day he came up to me and my cousin, Brian, who's also gay.

He's like, I got this idea because I can draw.

He's always thinking of ideas.

Like, I got this idea.

We can make gay greeting cards.

And my aunt Cindy's literally doesn't even look up.

She goes, what's it going to say?

Happy birthday from a gay.

He's like, no, Cindy, please.

And then he comes in like 10 minutes later.

He's like, how about we do a painting of Obama?

We'll do a great painting.

You can become famous.

My aunt Cindy from the other room goes, if he doesn't like it, say I'm sorry from a gay.

So we all deal with it funny.

I do.

I mean, that is wild, though.

You think a Southside Chicago cop just being like, so wait a second, you're telling me.

Who exactly was his voice?

Not only is your older brother gay, but you're gay.

What the fuck is happening here, Matteo?

Is it the water?

What's going on around here?

Like that, like confusing.

It was the Flintstone vitamins my Uncle Mike gave us every single fucking day.

I knew I shouldn't have given him the fucking purple ones because queers love purple.

I'm the only queer.

I fucking, I'm the only fag that hates purple.

It's my least favorite color.

I don't like purple.

Do you think it's hack?

No, it's not.

I like purple on things, but I used to be a painter.

I sound so ridiculous.

And every time you paint with purple, it almost feels like a dead color.

So I never liked purple.

Also,

I have this thing called synesthesia.

Do you know what synesthesia is?

You know what it is?

Did I talk about it on Chris's podcast once?

Yeah, it's like it's a neurological condition where your brain overlaps its senses and development.

So when I see numbers or letters,

I see color.

or like music i see color daryl hammond has that that's how does he i i think it's a form of that he talks about when he does impressions they're in colors yes that would be synesthesia yeah so he goes like green is this character yeah in this doc the documentary about his life he had it's incredible synesthesia yeah yeah mine is like three the only green i see is three and e Those are the only greens I see.

That's what.

But it's full of purple.

And I'm so sick of looking at purple.

Like, I'm tired of it.

It's enough.

Enough.

That's like you clearing a fucking dresser.

It is.

I feel like that.

I'm done with purple.

No more wire hangers.

No more purple.

When you were young, before you came out, before your brother came out.

I was in the backyard singing to the birds like Sleeping Beauty.

You were?

This was no secret.

Did you ever date a girl?

Did you ever?

Yes, I talk about it all the time.

I worked at Michael's Arts and Crafts, and I dated Francesca Tamborello.

She's now married with a pit bull, has a kid.

And I broke up with her in the yarn section.

Really?

Yeah, because she was cheating me with her boyfriend who was living in his mom's basement.

So obviously, Francesca, I love you, but you were the problem here.

Was she

dating like we were serious?

I mean, we dated for like a couple of weeks.

I mean, it wasn't, you know.

But did she, when she found out you were gay, was she like...

Well, she didn't find out then because I didn't come out until I was like 16 then.

I came out when I was like probably 19 in college.

I went to art school.

But I think everyone waits for an ex to come out to go like.

My friend Nick dated this girl.

He's like, yeah.

Nick's the gayest, but he looks like a Chinese vase.

That's how gay Nick is and he was like yeah i had we were dating for a long time and everyone knew but she was devastated i was like she was dep should i call nick right now he tells a great story i i want to know about because there is a feeling of like how many times i've broken up with a woman that you're just like god i wish i was just gay remember

three simple words i am gay yeah because you break up with a girl and they're like you're ruining my life which is a bit extreme yeah but if you're like i'm gay then they go oh well good for you like you've ruined it even more.

I mean, there was a friend I knew, and she was like, she was like, I found out my boyfriend was gay and I destroyed the living room.

And I was smoking and my friends came in.

They're like, what happened?

She's like, he's gay.

Oh, it was Amber Nelson who told me that.

So funny.

Amber Nelson is so funny, by the way.

So funny.

So funny.

Ever since you said it's Amber Nelson, I can just picture her smoking on a couch with a destroyed living room.

Well, I found out he's gay.

And you're like, oh, she's like old-timey Hollywood.

She is.

Amber Nelson's one of the funniest, smartest.

I love Amber Nelson.

I think breakups, I mean, gay breakups have to be pretty dramatic.

Yeah, I think all breakups are dramatic.

But I'm just wondering spice level.

If we go spice level of breakups, straight breakups.

If it's the man being broken up with by a woman and there's heartbreak, that's the most dangerous because obviously they can murder the woman.

What's the most mature breakup, though?

When a couple...

Lesbians.

Lesbians, I feel like they handshake.

So

I just wanted to sit down and sort of review what our relationship was.

We're going to have to split the WNBA tickets.

And also, I just noticed in the morning that you weren't watering the plants anymore.

And that really upset me.

Our cats haven't been fed in two days.

And so I noticed that Sandra, our third cat, was acting a bit strange.

Do they break up like the predator handshake?

Where they're like,

you son of a bitch.

And gays break up like when the predator blows himself up.

So it's a bit different

you're an ugly motherfucker

i kind of say predator i don't know why am i not when i was little i have so many cousins and we sometimes like my grandma would watch us we'd be in the basement she would let us watch predator that's great i'm like we're seven like why are we watching but i love my predator action figures predator i love all of it it's uh it's it's one of those movies that you're right that you i watched way too early and i i remember my mom and dad both being like yeah you can watch it you're like you're into like uh we're kids of the 80s though so it's like no one really adventure and action go ahead and watch do you like predator better or alien better uh predator i like better but terminator beats both of them really i would say i'm i'm huge into terminator now i feel like i'm picking my favorite golden girl okay yeah which is it's clearly i mean favorite golden girl is tough because you love blanche dorothy's hilarious but blanche does this thing where blanche comes in and makes like a whirlwind joke that you're like, oh, that's like, she like really provides a lot of like fluffy.

Blanche's character really grows.

It has a lot of depth.

But nothing beats Dorothy going, Blanche, I'm going to borrow your earrings.

I have a date tonight.

With a man, no Rose, a Venus flytrip.

There's nothing better than that.

And then, I mean, now you also, Betty White's,

her character's stories of growing up.

St.

Olaf.

St.

Olaf.

All those stories where she was like, he best, the best break, you know, like any kind of thing where they're like, he won the tractor poll, and he was the biggest guy in our town.

Like, they, Golden Girls might be,

I would argue 30 Rock is the greatest written show of all time, but I think Golden Girls, it goes 1A, 30 Rock, 1B, Golden Girls.

I mean, I wasn't, I didn't watch a lot of 30 Rock, but I know it's a great show.

It's unbelievable.

If you have a chance, go through or watch it.

You know what I love is I heard an old interview because I was watching all these like Patrice O'Neill interviews on YouTube.

Like, you know how they just like keep suckling through.

And one of them was like that, Patrice and Jim Norton were defending Golden Girls on Open Anthony.

With Open Anthony, if you don't know back in the day, was like this super like, they know.

If they're watching this podcast, they know.

You know the vibe of that show.

So when Selgetti died, Open Anthony were like, oh, they're fucking stupid Golden Girls.

And both Patrice and Jim were like, no, it's a great show.

It's unbelievable.

And it made me respect.

I mean, I love Jim Norton as it is, but it made me respect them so much.

But that's, I, I always love when that happens, when someone goes, no, no, no, when there's like pushback for a real thing.

I go, no, fuck that.

I'm not going with this like easy take that it was a stupid old lady show.

That show is set up, punch, almost every line.

Almost every line.

And the cast, you're right, picking your favorite Golden Girls.

If I had pick, and this is by hairs, okay, I pick Dorothy, Sophia, no, Dorothy, Blanche, Sophia, Rose.

Put Rose last.

And I love Betty White, and I love, but I would say that's what I'm saying.

This is going to make you mad.

I would go

Blanche,

Sophia, Dorothy.

Betty.

Yeah.

Wait, no, no, no.

I would go Blanche, Sophia.

Who is Betty White's character?

Rose.

Rose.

And then Dorothy.

And then Dorothy.

I wasn't a B.Arthur guy.

I'll tell you why.

Because Dorothy is a gay man.

So gay men like Dorothy best because we relate to her the most.

Where, you know, Dorothy and Blanche are like two archetypes of gay men.

And I love sluts.

So Blanche

was mother.

I also was raised by a mom that dated a lot.

So then Blanche would make those jokes and I'd be like, oh, I got a little joke I can say to my mom when her next date doesn't work.

There was an episode where Blanche and Sophia were sharing the same boyfriend at one point.

And then Blanche is like, as they were like competing, they were all in there.

And the bench goes, she's like in a negligee.

And she's like, well, I'm just going to lay in the bathtub with just enough water to barely cover my perky breasts.

And Sophia goes, you're only going to sit in an inch of water

now if we're gonna this is a this will be a fun one who was the best old slut blanche or mona from who's the boss uh blanche i mean all the stories of like when she's like big daddy big daddy and big mama she's like i didn't know her name was big mama she goes she goes blanche they have an egg dish named after you in a diner really how are they prepared over easy like unbelievable i mean her initials were bed Yeah.

It was, it's one of those shows where I would watch it with my grandmother, but not in a way of like, oh, I gotta watch it.

Like, we both get amped.

We're like, oh, Golden Girls, Golden Girls on for like two hours.

We're like, we got two hours.

Did you ever see the guy who sings along of the thank you for being a friend?

Oh, oh, yeah.

He sings the whole thing.

Oh, you gotta watch it.

Golden Girls remakes.

This is, oh, it's hysterical.

I think I'm about to fall into a Golden Girls hole when I'm on the road now.

Oh, start with season three.

Okay.

What would you recommend for people jumping into Golden Girls?

Oh, I would start with season four, go four, five, six, seven, then jump back to one, two, three.

Because they really figure, it's like The Simpsons.

We can go four through 11.

Yes.

Four through 11.

You got to start with season four with The Simpsons.

Yes.

Katie wasn't allowed to watch The Simpsons growing up.

And I'm like, you don't understand

how great it is.

Tell my friend Donnie, he's a big fan of yours.

Tell Donnie to watch The Simpsons.

He's never seen it.

Four through 11 of Simpsons is you're getting the peak Conan O'Brien years.

Who wrote for Mr.

Burns?

Yeah, and I mean he wrote a lot of shit.

I mean everybody

because you and I both do impressions.

Yeah.

We should do all the impressions we can do from The Simpsons.

My favorite one.

My favorite one.

Well, the one that would get me in trouble right now, but the first voice I ever did

was,

thank you for shopping.

The line that made my dad, my dad was very, very funny.

I didn't know him well.

I knew he was very, very funny.

I actually just told Katie the story recently.

I'd never seen him laugh harder than the episode where Marge Marge is tired and she puts Grandpa Simpson's whiskey in her coat and she gets caught stealing at the Quickie Mart.

And Homer goes to talk to a Pooh and says, can't you take it easy on her?

You know, and I've never watched my dad laugh harder than when Apoo goes, I'm going to put that bitch on ice.

And my dad was like,

that was like the funniest thing he ever thought.

Like he was like crying, laughing.

But my favorite voice to do when I was little was,

And that's the sandbox.

I'm not allowed in the deep end.

That's where I see the leprechaun.

He tells me to burn things.

And he goes, great job, Lasse.

Now burn them.

Burn them all.

And I would say Groundskeeper Willie.

Yeah, you could be like, boil me up.

I'm going in after that dog.

And he rips it away.

So I can do Apoo, Ralph Wiggum.

Landskeeper Willie.

Willie.

Obviously.

The goggles, they do nothing.

One of the hardest I've ever laughed in my life was the line where bart when they're doing the radioactive man filming in springfield and bart rolls into the kitchen and he goes look out radioactive man and homer goes marge are you bringing women here are you he goes marge are you bringing men here radioactive men i love it he's like watch out radioactive man brilliant marvelous do it again watch out radioactive man brilliant one more time watch out radio game that's what i'd be saying to you if you were

if you were two inches taller that's it yeah yeah yeah and my favorite is when the when the lunch lady's reading lines and she goes, oh no, Springfield's on the thing.

And he goes, what's for lunch today?

And they go, next?

And he goes, chicken next.

Ralph Williams, my guy.

Ralph William is my favorite character.

I remember that your day went to a restaurant.

He ate all the food in the restaurant.

They had to close the restaurant.

And they were having babies.

They were making love in the closet.

And then they had a baby, and one of the babies looked at me.

And he's like explaining Kerbaffel.

And

you you can do Ralph better than me.

You can get higher.

I can do a great Marge.

Okay.

Like, Homer.

It's unbelievable.

I can do Mao.

I can do Mao.

Wow.

Here we go.

Call Mao's.

Love it.

I can do a great Bonnie.

Hi, Homer.

That's great.

I love this.

I think I could do Chief Wiggum.

What is it?

Give me a line for Chief Wiggins.

Where he's like, smash.

He's like, women are a lot like nuts, Ralph.

Yeah, women are a lot like nuts, Ralph.

He's like smashing him with his gun.

And then he shoots it.

I mean,

Donnie's.

Smithers is great.

Yes.

And nah, Mr.

Burns.

Mr.

Burns.

Mr.

Smithers was in.

I used to be able to do Homer's Yell like,

like that, kind of, you know.

Donnie, watch The Simpsons.

Homer's hard to do.

I've tried so hard.

If someone does a good Homer, I'm very, very

much.

That's pretty good.

That's about as far as I can go.

When you're doing a voice, since we're both voice guys, I do Liza Minelli the best.

It's unbelievable.

Which no one in your fan base even knows who she is.

But I'm going to tell you right now, look her up, YouTube it.

It's pitch fucking perfect.

I think this, it might be from my friend Rob Lindley or Essen.

I forget where it's from, but I always say this is like, and Liza didn't say this, but it's from one of those two.

But the impression is you go, I'll never forget the first thing my mother said to me, she said, Liza,

call an ambulance.

I don't remember where it's from, though.

The thing is, is you do the mouth thing.

Yeah, the dry mouth and the dry.

The dry of her being a drug addict.

When you do a voice, do you find the sentence and then work off that sentence?

Sometimes, I don't know.

Like, I can do a perfect Joe Mackey.

Perfect Joe Mackey.

You can do a perfect Evan Williams.

Sam.

Oh, hey, gang.

That's great.

I do a great day.

If you know, Evan Williams, your former roommate.

Oh, so, man.

Go watch Evan Williams on Instagram.

He does perfect.

That's fucking crazy, man.

That's perfect.

It's crazy.

It's perfect.

It's crazy.

I'm a drug addict, man.

I'm a drug addict.

Everyone in my life.

See, my voices always aren't like pitch perfect as much as they are just like

your version of it, which is like my

dance St.

Germain is like, hey, man.

It's cloudy.

I don't know if I know.

But it's not a good.

It's not like a.

I don't do his voice well.

I just do like his.

I do.

Do you know Danny Callas?

He was a Chicago comic.

I do the like, oh, look, Mattel, the first time I saw you do your fucking show.

That was great.

About the Metro.

I'm trying to think what...

I don't know how I do.

Because I'm a singer, so I think I just mimic quickly.

But I find like tone, like

when I do Chappelle, I find that it's all like all, it's all in waves.

We've got to be like, man, the hardest thing about this thing.

Maybe you can change your mouth to look like it.

I can't even understand why someone wouldn't think of an impression like this.

I don't understand it.

Because that's what it's like peeking about that.

And then on stage recently, I've been doing, because Homo's Pimp knows this, we had Mike Cannon on the podcast.

Yeah.

And he said he did Steve-O's podcast.

Oh, God.

And Steve-O wouldn't stop talking about Israel and Palestine.

What?

So I have been obsessed with doing that on stage by going, all right, so here's what we're going to do.

You need to, like, we're going to lube up that bowling ball and shove it up my ass.

But really, like, there is a road to a two-state solution.

You know?

If I'm going to go to

a global political advice, I'm going to go to...

I don't know, man.

Like, I think, like, IDF has a way to, like, defend themselves.

What do you say about FEMA right now?

I don't know, man.

Like, federal government, you're getting getting into funding where like you know if you're gonna make abortions in the state's rights like maybe storms should be in states rights too you know i don't know anyways i'm steve-o and this is fema bound down down down

uh but like i'll find a voice and have it perfect for a little bit and then don't you feel like it It does change.

Like Liza, my Liza has changed for the past 15 years.

Do you do my favorite thing with voices is to put them in situations that they like Steve O doing is okay.

Let's put Liza in a situation.

Let's do Liza Minelli talking about.

I'm trying to think of what would be a fun thing.

I want to talk about something sports because you don't know sports.

Oh, let's do it.

So let's do Liza Minella talking about the transfer portal for college football.

Well, I'll tell you something about it.

For the trans portal carpenters,

it was so good.

I was a cornerback in 1964.

A lot of people don't know that.

Oh, no, people.

Well, I learned how to to

play

because I was a dancer.

I looked at Bob Fosse on the field.

It makes me, it just brings me such joy.

I do that a lot in Fortnite because my friend Donnie, Simmer and Corey, and I, we play, and my friend Nick, there was one time when we would drive this tank, it would make this noise, it would go,

and then it would pause.

But it sounded like the trailer of like a Godzilla movie where, like, obviously, like, an alarm is happening, and in between, they're like, we didn't know, man.

Like that kind of thing.

So every time we go,

I go, we just didn't know.

Yeah.

Boom, it's coming.

That's so fun.

Yeah, dude.

I think that's like,

were you doing voices because of boredom or just because there were.

I was always doing voice.

I used to, as a kid, I would do my mom would allow me one Simpsons quote a night, like at the dinner table, because I wouldn't shut up.

And I would do mad TV characters all the time.

I mean, which was good.

Yeah.

That's why I'm obsessed with Will Sasso.

I love Will Sasso.

His funniest thing ever was the guy, the Woodsmith guy who kept or his Kenny Rogers.

His Kenny Rogers is...

So Big J, this is one of my Big J's favorite stories of mine, but I used to work at this amphitheater in Colorado called Fiddler's Green, which was like, it's for big concerts.

It's still

Fiddler's Green.

It's a very Colorado thing to call it like, that's where the Fiddlers play.

Like a fucking...

It's like Ireland.

A prospector fucking did it.

He's like, well, I'm going to get all this silver and I'm going to open Finnish Green.

It's going to be the greenest thing you've ever seen.

But I did like the back area where the cars came in.

So I had to check everyone for passes or else they couldn't come in the back of the venue.

And so I'm like letting people in, letting people in.

And then this

like expedition pulls up and the driver, I'm like, hey, I need to see your badge.

And he goes, I don't have your badge.

And it was a Kenny Rogers concert.

And I was like, hey, I got to see your badge.

I can't let you in.

And the guy goes, I don't have my badge.

I was like, I can't let you in.

And the the passenger seat is down and it lifts up and it's Kenny Rogers.

He goes, I'm Kenny Rogers like that.

And I just go, you sure are.

And he just went in.

It was one of the funniest reveals I've ever seen in my life.

Because if you watch Will Sasso's first Kenny Rogers impression, like when he first did it, no, it was, it was a, I'm a Kenny Rogers.

And then by the end, I was like,

it just turned into like,

that's a great idea.

Someone who does impressions, Will Sasso, which I would love to meet him, by the way.

And his family's from Naples.

Hey, from Synopoly.

And he, he does an impression that changes into his own thing after a while.

He does a perfect Jesse Ventura.

Another voice guy that I love watching.

I wonder if I could do Jesse Ventura because everyone's, who are the impressions everyone does?

Arnold Schwarzenegger?

He does a perfect Arnold.

Here's the thing about Sasso's Schwarzenegger, it's perfect.

It's not like when I do it, it's just like, of course.

You just need to say like,

you just need to say like lines like that where you're like, I'm not even thinking about that.

And he goes, yeah, yeah.

He like does it perfectly where you're like, oh, this sounds like Arnold talk.

But can you see, like, now you're doing an impression?

Now I'm trying to see what you're doing.

Well, you're looking for the way in.

Yeah, yeah.

But that you're right.

It's looking for the way in.

Once you find the way in, you got it.

That was like Evan was the reason.

Evan Williams was the reason I learned how to do Cat Williams.

Because I saw him do Cat Williams and I was like, oh, because it ain't nothing but going up here, baby.

Is it pamping?

Is pampin'?

You just got to look for a way in, and you're like, okay, I can find that.

Macho Man, I found out.

That's Macho Man.

Yeah, that's Macho Man.

I found out that it was like all about the low grumbles going up.

So when you're talking about anything,

and I mean anything, yeah, it's about when you pick up, and you're like, oh, that's how you do it.

So we both do different and great Jiminy Glick impressions.

Yeah.

Well, I was sitting like that in my living room.

But anytime someone sits funny, I always tell them they look like.

Why would you feel that way?

He's got to do that.

And what does he do?

My favorite thing he ever said to Ben Stiller,

it's so

mean.

He goes,

you did it Saturday Night Live.

That's perfect.

He goes, yeah.

But you only did it for six weeks.

I'm sure because your parents were loved and you bombed every night.

And it just made you kind of feel like no one wanted you around.

Martin Short during Jimmy Click.

If I could meet anyone, anyone, over Barbara Streisand, and I've met Mariah Carey, Kostucky from Guy Code,

I would want to meet Martin Short.

That would be your pick.

That would be be my number one pick.

He makes me laugh harder that Clifford is one of the most insane movies.

It's genius.

I think he's it.

And Martin Short literally wakes up to make people happy.

I love, okay, if we're going the off-the-beaten path, who would you meet?

Number one.

Mine would be Dana Carvey.

Oh, I love Dana Carvey.

Because I think Dana Carvey

was the first guy I saw do voices that I was like, oh, this is fun.

Like, this guy's like funny.

I loved his obvious

yeah church lady uh hans and franz oh i forgot about

the pom you up which is an arnold right but then i loved

i absolutely loved his ross perot for some reason i thought oh yeah i was like

now here's deal

can i do that and he did his 1994 hbo special critics choice which you should go watch if you have not watched that it's one of my favorite hours question for you is what's your greatest comedy special you've ever seen uh chappelle's killing him softly yeah that's my favorite front to back.

I could watch it a thousand times.

But Carvey's critic's choice is one of the reasons I wanted to be a comedian.

I watched that and he does a chunk on it.

It's like during the OJ trial.

And he does an unbelievable thing where he goes through everyone in the OJ trial and kind of does an impression of them, but not in an impression way, in a way of like...

oh, this adds to the bit.

I was going to say elevates the story.

He does Johnny Cochrane.

He goes, Yano's a beautiful man.

Yano's a smart man.

If I was a gay man, I'd have sex with Yana.

And he's like, he does the Marsha, he does Marsha Clark being like, I will cut these bangs.

I will cut these bangs.

You get that makeover.

He's just very, very silly with his voices.

And people say you are known as a voice person.

Yeah, which is weird because I think I do more voices to like accentuate.

We approach it, I think, the same way.

Yeah.

Because when I'm doing my act, I don't, my whole family does what we do.

Like they throw in voices for stuff.

So when I do my act, everyone's always, the comment I always get is, oh my God, I love all your voices.

And in my head, I'm like, I don't, like, I'm not doing voices.

Then I look back and like, oh, I'm doing a Dutch person, a French person, a German person.

You know, like, oh, yeah.

That was always the fun thing for me was like, if you could nail an accent, you would be like, oh, this is very fun because you're like kind of pretending.

You're throwing a sparkler in the middle of your set.

Yeah.

But Dana Carvey in Critics Choice has

a bit where he talks about having a baby is like adopting an old man.

And it's just, he does this perfect thing where he's like, Buy me that yeshish piece of plastic.

And they're like, No, you already have that one.

He goes, I don't have that.

I have megatron.

That's mega T.

You can tell because the index finger is slightly bent.

You're going to buy me that, or I feel a tantrum coming on.

And it's just like the perfect old man voice.

And that's what I always love.

What's your let me hear your old man voice.

Volta talkers are like old men.

I don't like this black woman trying to be president.

That's just what I think an old man would say.

That's what an old man would say.

But Chappelle does voices same way.

Yeah, he does.

In killing them softly.

Yeah.

Where the white guy voice, I'd watch a bunch of Def Jam.

A lot of black comics would just do white guy voices as the punchline.

Well, I don't think I could do that.

Where when Chappelle does it, where he goes, you know what?

Oh, I'm sorry, officer.

I didn't know I couldn't do that.

Yeah.

And he's like, well, now you know.

And he goes, you want to know what's funny, Dave?

I did know I couldn't do that.

And it's not like an overt white, it's just like a perfect white-guy voice.

Yeah.

So I always like that when comics do it just.

It's like a different, like, it's almost like in singing, they call it like coloring of the voice.

Yeah.

Like it means like to add different texture because it does make it more, it can make a single note.

You could add three different coloring to a single note to make it more exciting.

What's your favorite random voice to do?

Oh my God.

Like accent or random voice?

Well, I like doing, I like doing my Alan Carr as a British comic.

He's probably one of my favorite comics of all time.

Alan Carr, which is crazy because there's also a British guy named Alan Carr that helped me quit smoking.

Is he a gay comedian?

No.

He had a book called The Easy Way to Quit Smoking.

Oh, no, that's not this Alan Carr.

I know.

No, I know which one you're talking about.

If I'm going to talk about, but here's the thing about Alan Carr.

So he's a little bit like, you know, Jiminy Clay, because it voice goes up and it goes down.

And he has a great bit one time.

He's like, you know, puff means faggot in British terms.

But I just learned that.

I go have a kickabout with me brother at the park and hear me dad kick the ball, you puff, and you hear something enough times.

Like, he's so got kicked out of a boot and shoe museum, pulled out Marie Antoinette, said, you have it in a size six.

It's so funny.

So that's when I pull out or lie.

I do Liza all the time.

Yeah, I'll do, my favorite ones to do is Rodney Dangerfield doing anything.

I don't even know.

Rodney Dangerfield.

Is he?

Do you know Rodney Dangerfield?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rodney.

For a while, I used to do woke Rodney Dangerfield.

Well, that's almost Stallone.

You're close to a Stallone.

I look like Stallone.

My eyes glitter.

Yeah.

But Rodney's more like

a fluttery like, I'm telling you.

Yeah, yeah.

If I was going to impersonate Rodney,

the first thing I would do, the

kind of...

You let the air out.

Yeah.

And my favorite thing to do now is mass shooter Rodney Dangerfield.

See, my brain, you have a much more creative brain because I wouldn't do, I don't put put them in scenarios.

I just think it's funny to go, everybody's going to pay.

I'm telling you.

Yeah, they fired me for my job, and now they're all going to die.

Oh, up an impression I do.

I do a great Tony the Tiger.

They're great.

That's almost perfect.

I don't, no notes.

That's perfect.

Yeah.

I do a great Tony the Tiger.

I'm trying to think of other, like, you know how you like weird ones that you pull out of your back pocket.

Well, it's funny, like, you, would you remember one randomly where you're like, oh yeah, like, I do, like, I'm doing in the hair transplant joke right now, I'm doing Jason Statham.

because I because I say like some guys start losing their hair and they have like perfect bald heads and I was like he does have a perfect bald head I was like statham was losing his hair and he's like here we go he's like trying to reach my final form and you're like oh yeah that was that would be how I fucking

but you I'm trying to think of like other because it is fun when you do I do a lot of accents because I speak a couple of languages actual languages yeah but so you I can kind of like mimic those accents I do in my special I'm shooting I do this whole scene where this this Mexican pilot was trying to go back and forth with us on the plane.

Yeah.

And I do that.

I'm also Mexican, those listening who are angry about me.

Which is the audience would give a shit.

What's your Mexican accent?

Mine's very offensive, so I want to hear what a real one is.

I want to save it because I'm filming it this weekend.

It's like a perfect, it's the only one I know how to do.

So you can do it.

Yo, don't, don't blow it.

You'll have to watch the special.

I do French.

I do Dutch.

I do Italian.

Yeah, my French is like, well, yes, I can say anything I need to say in French, but then they make fun of you.

But that's when you actually know French and you can do the accent, it makes it funnier because you can

actually

get it.

You can come in and out of it.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what's very funny.

Yeah.

It's like the legitimacy of you knowing French and then being like, I'm sorry,

what do we should I say about it?

No.

Yeah, no.

If you're going to speak French with me, I cannot.

I don't know because we're not speaking English here, so it's very important we are speaking French.

Have you ever had someone where you think you can do their accent and the person's Modi and Leo?

I do a perfect impression of both of them.

And they think

at first Leo hated it.

Now he likes it.

Really?

Yeah.

When I went to go see Mateo's show, the lights are so dark.

His audience is going to say, wow, he's blurrier than I remember.

No, that's not true.

It's the lights look pretty good.

Good, Modi.

Have you ever had, though, like, do it like an accent?

Like, I remember doing an Irish accent once to an Irish comedian.

I can't.

It's absolute shit.

I can't.

Okay, When it comes to Irish, English, and Australian, those accents, sometimes some days are better than others.

Yes.

I can't like one, because my trainer, Damon, Damon Bell, everybody, is Australian.

And so when I'm around him a lot, I'm always like, oh, yeah, Nar.

Nar.

And he'll do,

oh, you know what?

I'm kind of a chin whack the other day.

I go, a what?

A chin whack?

You don't say that.

Like, no.

Oh, my God.

Nick's calling.

What was I going to ask him to do?

About his girlfriend.

Oh.

about when he broke up nick you're on a podcast you're with dan soder and i uh what did your girlfriend react when you broke up with her

uh she cried

and what'd you say she was the only person uh within a hundred mile radius that didn't know i was gay

was it all disbelief

um it was disbelief i think she probably needed to change her prescriptions

That's what sucks about getting broken up with by a gay guy.

They're also going to like be funny about it in a way that makes you hurt more.

Right.

Let's just say Matt while doing musicals.

Okay.

Yeah, musicals.

They were doing musicals.

That's on her.

That's on her.

Yeah.

All right.

Thank you, Nick.

That is so funny.

You're like, well, you were in a musical with me, but

what we were just saying, you said, I was talking about

impressions.

Yeah, when you do accents, I think that's like a little harder because I'm easily, if someone's like, you're wrong about that, I'll just give up.

I'll be like, ah, fuck it.

Sorry.

Well, when I was doing my Celine Dion impression, which was absolutely insane, like it has nothing really to do with Celine Dion.

Yeah.

Because I do, Barbara Walter.

So I'll get to this, but the people in Quebec said I was doing a good job, and everyone else said I sounded Mexican.

But the Quebec French English does sound different than the French, French English.

So there was an interview because Barbara Walters was brutal.

Barbara Walters was doing a you know where they did like a story about the person they're interviewing.

She was not beautiful.

In fact, she was so ugly and her pointy teeth, the kids called her vampire.

So, and I'm pulling a little bit of Sherry O'Terry, but

I did the impression of Celine.

Like, what are, like, what do you want Celine to say?

She was 13.

You were not beautiful, Celine, and I'm upset you went more beautiful for me.

I'm so sorry.

I should have been more beautiful for you.

I really should have thought about that when I was 13 and I was poor, that I should be more beautiful for Barbara Walters.

But that is the French Quebec.

Like, my friend Trana, who's a really funny comic in Montreal, her and I were ordering like some pastry thing together.

And so I said in French,

ju utre un nate.

I think they're called like the batiste di nate, the Portuguese ones.

And then she goes, ju utre ern.

So they ern instead of un.

So it's like they speak a different kind of French up there.

Yeah, that's where I'm too stupid to even grasp that.

Where I'm like, that's crazy that there's

I use synesthesia to help me in the romance languages because I because the romance languages are so similar.

And I have the foundation of Italian, which is the best foundation to have in Romance languages because it's the closest to Latin.

They're all connected to Latin.

So when I hear, because French and Italian are 89% the same, when I hear the same colors in French, I know what they're trying to say.

And then I use Italian and put a French accent on the Italian to talk back to them.

That's fucking insane.

That's literally what's happening in my head.

Were you, when you learned Italian, was that your first language or your second language?

No, second.

Because I was 14, 13 14 you're that young I mean you're that old yeah usually like go to Sicily for like the whole summer and no one speaks English and so you just speak it man that's what happened with my friend Zach he moved to Mexico City in seventh grade and still speaks Spanish fluently that's a good time I think after like 18 your brain is like it's a nut I'm cooked but I was like 14 or something and my cousins were just like you know you just come back you're like alo remama mod you give

us like you just speak Italian I think everybody every kid should do that

it's a good experience experience.

Well, just to have more than one language.

It definitely.

I will say it feels like a superpower.

Yeah.

One time my flight, I was flying to see my ex-boyfriend.

This is years ago.

We're going to go meet in Barcelona.

So I had to transfer in Paris.

My flight was so delayed that when I got to Paris, everyone's, they run out and they're like, they don't know where to go, blah, blah, blah.

And I just run right up to the French and I'm like, bonjour, monsieur,

and I just speak.

I just said what I need to say.

He told me where I need to go and I'm off.

And I'm like, that was a superpower.

I felt like mystique.

You can do, that is, the first time I ever saw that kind of superpower thing was my friend Jay at Arizona, white guy from Long Island.

You would never, just looks, you know, lacrosse player, like very Long Island guy.

We're going to this, we go to this place, Los Bedos, which was like burritos, late night burritos, just a line out the door, drunk, frat kids.

sorority girls being like, I love breakfast burrito.

Jay speaks perfect Spanish, just walks up to the thing and says, hey, can my friend and I get a burrito real quick?

We're just trying to get out.

And they were like, yes, whatever you want.

Like another instance, Stavros.

Oh, Greek.

There's a place in Astoria called BZ Grill.

Unbelievable Greek food.

I've ate there before.

got treated like dog shit.

Went in with Stavros, sat down.

He started speaking Greek.

I've never had better service.

Never had better service in my life.

They were bringing stuff out.

They were giving us complimentary stuff.

The guy just wanted to bullshit with Stavros in greek and you're like fuck i wish i had it's a bit me with like there's a few italian restaurants in new york that are very high falute and like the best italian food and i know the chefs and so when i go in my favorite la dabozione in chelsea market don't even know how to spell that couldn't even couldn't even try to spell that it's great like they're they're it that is the best italian food that and robalta are the best italian food in new york city but when i go there like Alessio, he cooks in front of you.

They have like this, it's really beautiful.

They cook right in front of you.

Sure.

And I'll just, if carabronada is not on the menu i just say in italian like yo we came here like is there a way you can just make us carabronada he's like oh my god of course and he'll just make it for us right there yeah and like not really with a pushback just kind of like oh yeah yeah absolutely and then we make fun of other people eating ital like they'll eat pasta with a spoon or like they cut it and then we're just all talking shit about them in italian have you have you ever had that um

Mr.

Costanza moment where you're hearing someone talk shit about you in another case?

Like in the Korean

in Italy a few times.

You heard people talking about you today?

Not like shit, but like, like, like, I remember when I was in Sicily, was I in Sicily or Rome?

I was with someone who I was speaking English on the bus, and then you could hear people like kind of making, like, I think gay jokes were happening because they're still a little conservative in parts of Italy.

Sure.

And then, but you don't just say, I don't say anything.

All I said is, like, when I was getting off because they were in my way, I was like,

you know.

And they're like, oh, fuck.

Because man-oh, man.

If you're shitting on someone and you don't think they speak the language and they turn around and they speak your language, you're like, fuck.

It's pretty safe to speak Italian, though, in America.

Like, so few people speak it.

Yeah.

So me and Francesco de Carlo, like, if we're, we're, me or Liz, if we're, if you hear me and Liz at the seller speaking in Italian, we're usually gossiping.

I love that.

You could talk shit right in front of people.

Yeah, but I don't do that.

That's crazy.

That's why not.

That's crazy.

This is like when someone has the superpower of invisibility and you're like, are you robbing banks?

And you're like, no, I'm not a boy.

And you're like, bro, I want to be invisible.

I want to fucking steal shit.

I want to watch ladies undress.

It is a little rude to like speak in front of somebody unless you know that they speak it.

But every blue moon, oh, Keith Robinson's there.

I'll fully speak.

I'll just love to piss Keith off.

I'll stop it.

Shut up, Mattel.

And he goes, I can't handle what you're fucking saying.

Shut up, Mattel.

I always joke.

I'm like, Keith and I were basically dating in 2020.

It's infuriating.

Dinners

infuriates.

Oh, you style.

He stinks.

Stinks.

I say it stinks all the time.

I love it.

Is it just a seller thing?

He had my favorite moment where when I auditioned at the cellar in 2011, I went down there.

You auditioned so long ago.

Yeah, I went down there and I was opening for Bobby Kelly on the road.

And Bobby's like, while we were on the road one time, he was just like, I put in a good word with you for Esti.

And I was like, oh, great.

And then I saw he was on the lineup.

And I was like, oh, dude.

All like, oh, I'm in the West Village.

And I was like, Bobby, I'm in the West Village.

He's like all right come by the cellar i'm hanging out the cellar and i sat down at the table i had this bad leather jacket on and i sat down at the table and i'm talking to bobby and i'm like nervously laughing and keith comes in and sits down and looks at me and he goes who's your friend bobby i don't like him His energy is making me nervous.

He goes, well, you shot it.

Stop it.

You're so nervous.

Estee's going to sit down.

Your head's going to explode.

I just remember that.

And I don't like your friend in his Nick DiPaulo starter kit when I was wearing a bucket leather jacket.

And it was, it was, I was like, dude, this is awesome.

Keith one time uh

so he does two things with me one if we're before each other or after each other yeah one time I was on stage and he didn't like that it was going well so he went up right afterwards he goes I just want to say one thing I hate gay people that's and then by the way I didn't know you did a perfect stroke Keith

I do I do pre-stroke people that stroke I do pre-stroke Keith you do perfect that's when I met met Keith, was after the stroke.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You didn't know him before?

No.

I did.

Because I got in the cellar at 2017.

He used to shush people before the stroke.

We'd be like sitting outside eating, and someone would walk by and go, shh, like that.

And they look, and they're like, I don't like him.

You're just like, say, shit.

He says the same thing today.

But he says, I hate gay people.

He bombed for $15.

I don't like gay people.

It's perfect.

Now, what he'll do, one time I was before, I was after him at the VU.

So I walk in.

He's on stage.

he sees me and he goes uh

before i go

uh i just want to say i don't like gay people

and then people like get really upset he goes oh it wasn't it was a stroke it wasn't me that was a stroke that was a stroke let me let me tell you how much of a perfect comedian keith robin i love his last specials phenomenal his netflix special is unbelievable make sure you go watch it he had a stroke and you know the first stroke everyone was like holy shit.

You know, and we like, a lot of people went to the hospital.

Vecchione and I drove out to fucking stupid Jersey to go to the hospital.

And it was me, Vecchione, Reggie Conquest, and Monroe Martin, right?

And Reggie and Monroe were still living in Philly and they were up or whatever.

And Keith had his arm on this, like, his stroke arm.

He like had it on this like.

Kind of thing in this wheelchair.

So it's like holding his arm up and randomly his arm just falls off and Reggie just goes goes

like that.

And Keith goes, I hate y'all.

I know you're going to make fun of me for that.

And it was like, it was such a moment where you're like, man, he is such a comic that he was ready to get his balls busted for his life.

But that's the thing, Keith.

I mean, Jim Norton talked about this on some podcast or radio show, but like Keith, I can't, I don't see Keith as anything but Keith.

Yeah.

And then you think about what he's gone through and what he has to do to get up.

And what, I mean, he's like a warrior.

I mean,

he's a phenomenal comedian.

And then he's the funniest person at the table.

Yeah, delete this.

We're not putting this.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't want Keith having a fucking clip of this.

Keith and I message each other in the middle of the night.

We're always talking about like great singers.

So him and I always talk about who's great singers, who's not great singers.

We agree on a lot.

And

one of them, we always make fun of the fact that no matter what clip we send to each other, Deion Warwick is always there.

And at one point, I sent him a clip of Celine and Patty LaBelle singing together.

And he goes, I swear I saw Deion Warwick.

I said, Deion warwick would show up to the opening of my lunch

yeah dude keith i i remember when the 49ers had callin kaeepernick keith would just call me and go i hate you quarterback that's how much i don't like you you made me racist against black quarterbacks i'd be like all right i'm gonna know yeah dude they used to call me bobby would call me

and i would pick up and it would be bobby Keith and Joe DeRosa.

Yeah, they did that to me during the pandemic.

And they would just shit on me for like an hour.

Yeah.

Joe DeRosa and Keith call me during the pandemic.

Bobby would be like, what are you doing?

I'm like, nothing.

He's like, yeah, well, it's not just me.

And then you just hear Keith go, I don't like them.

I don't like them at all.

And then DeRosa would be like, you know what?

And just fucking come in.

Yeah.

Having that, having those like ball busty conversations, you're kind of like, ah, this rules.

Yeah.

That's what I love about the seller is like, I always said like the crew of people I feel the most connected to are comics as a community.

Just to shit on each other.

Yeah, you just, we're all weird.

Yeah.

Too, like, think about it.

Like, it's, we're doing like different voices.

Like, think about Rachel Feinstein, who's one of the funniest people ever.

She's going in and out of voices all the time.

Like, we are all weird people, but it all, no, that, you gotta be.

That no one judges.

We judge the shirt you wear.

It's weird even to talk about voices with you when we're like both realizing, like, oh, we do a lot of voices.

I did not realize.

Could we get a clip of us doing all the Simpsons impressions?

Because that would be very funny.

Yours were unbelievable.

His were perfect.

It was.

I don't remember.

I could do other ones.

i don't remember if we went through a list of characters like and looked at them i could probably like ha ha

yeah i could i think i can get nelson oh what do we he's like he was kept laughing and the guy's like uh do you find so much funny the way i drive my automobile yes yeah everyone needs to ride a vehicle even the very tallest this was the largest vehicle i could afford um i uh it's you don't realize the voices you do just to make sure oh i can do superintendent shelmers oh yeah uh uh

yes

Good lord, what is happening in there?

Aurora Borealis.

Yep.

Aurora Borealis.

At this time of day, localized entirely within your kitchen.

Yes.

May I see it?

No.

I feel like you could do

Agnes Skinner.

Yeah.

Seymour.

Seymour.

The house is on fire.

It's perfect.

Something close.

That's a perfect skinner.

That's a perfect principle skinny.

No, mother, it's just the door of the light.

Oh, fuck.

I can't wait to watch The Simpsons with Katie and just sit down.

Oh, season four.

Get her eyes open like fucking

Talkwick Orange.

You're going to watch all these.

Watch 30 Rock.

I know.

I need to watch.

I really should watch it.

My friend Pat Powers, who I really respect, he loves that show.

I should watch it.

Masterclass in comedic acting by Alec Baldwin.

Alec Baldwin is...

What's he doing?

I don't know.

I don't think things are going that well.

But 30 Rock, it's like...

Actually, Alec Baldwin's...

Jiminy Glick interview was hysterical.

Oh, yeah.

We were talking about all the women he's fucking.

And Martin Short even breaks character.

Man, I don't want to watch Jiminy Glick and a bunch of 30 Rock, but Alec Baldwin as Jack Donnegan.

Yeah, he's a very talented actor.

It's the best role he's ever done

with

Tina Fey writing those lines.

I love Tina Fey.

That's such a gay thing to say, but I really do.

I love Tina Fey.

One of the things that makes me so happy about being married to getting engaged to Katie is I found my Liz Lemon.

Like, I actually found, I found my real life Liz Lemon.

And I'm like, oh, you're not going anywhere.

Because she's funny.

She just wants to eat weird stuff.

You know, like when we see like uh new burgers or something she'll be like take me to there you know like she's very she's i'm trying to think when's the first time we met it must have been i got reached in the cave yeah it would have been 2012.

yeah how we've known each other for a long time yeah i mean we got new hair we got new hair new voices new voices this new beard everything fucking everything's coming up mateo and dan um

Are we putting this out to promote your special?

No, I film it in a week, so it won't come out until April.

So just just put it out Tuesday.

Literally put it out whenever.

This is so fun.

Because I have a PR person, and they were like, we're going to get you in touch with Dan Soder.

I was like,

I know Dan Soder.

Why don't I just text him right now?

I'll just text him.

Don't worry, guy.

They're being nice.

So I was like, I'll just text Dan.

You are, without a doubt, one of the most talented, funny people I've ever met in my life.

Oh, well, that's nice.

And watching you become successful is, I think in this business, you can watch people become successful and it'll drive you a little crazy because you're like, what is it?

Like, what am I?

And with you, you're like, of course.

And

good.

It really, honestly, I almost was like, I was, because I've been doing it 16 years, almost 17 years.

And so in my head, I was like, you know, in 2021, I remember this is how bad my career was.

I was doing a Thursday night at the Miami Improv and I sold 19 tickets and they canceled the show.

And that's when I made, you know, big changes, put everything online and stuff.

But I will say

a year later, I was doing them, I did six shows at the miami improv and this guy came up to me at the pool i was at the pool and he walked and thanks andrew schultz by the way for my career i always thank and i'm like thank you andre scholzzi for giving me everything um because he showed you how to literally did everything andrew sat you down everything it showed me here's how you do it all of it's under your nose but he made it so like this is how you're gonna do it and i'm very good at yeah he he's very fucking smart and very uh very good at like understanding how that works he knows this business yeah yeah but this guy comes up to me at the pool in Italian, starts speaking to me.

He goes, hey, Mateo, big fan.

He goes, I said, oh, thanks.

He goes, I'm coming to see your show.

This year, I go, oh, thanks.

He goes,

I wanted to come see you last year and they canceled the show.

And I go, yeah, not enough people bought tickets.

He goes, no, I know.

I called the club and I said,

they said they're canceling the show.

And I said, well, how many tickets do I need to buy for them to keep the show open?

They said, 15.

So I bought 15 tickets.

And I was like, so touched by that.

I was like, oh.

And so, like, we took pictures together.

And did he come see you with a soldier?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's unbelievable.

But it wasn't that so sweet.

And it was like, what, like, I'm like, I'm glad I, because there's a lot of moments where you're like, I think it's, I think it's over.

I think, you know,

we haven't got the dog collar yet.

We're going to buy a dog collar for whenever I talk about stand-up pimp zaps me.

Because that's all we do.

I know, but that's on a podcast that can get, there are very sweet people that are like, I love when you talk to business or whatever.

But I think as comics, we kind of need to be aware of that so we don't get too much into the old.

But see, I don't because I do my podcast with Nick I never liked you with Nick Smith very funny by the way you guys and it's 15 minutes we don't do anything but that yeah and um but we we never talk about stand-up really so that's for me it's always I'm like I'm now I'm in this moment where I'm almost like reminiscing I'm nostalgic yeah I'm like I do remember Creek in the Cave remember the East Village used to be the hotspot like but I feel like for our for this podcast it can too easily fall into that yeah you're like ah stand-up's great and so I try to keep myself honest about like maybe not too much.

So when we get this dog, did you see that one guy volunteer?

Like on Twitter?

That guy's like, I'll send you guys the dog collar.

He like sent us.

I'm trying to trust someone.

Did you see that?

He said the Amazon link.

I'll show you.

He said an Amazon link.

He's like, this is the one to get.

And I looked at it.

I was like, this shit looks fucking painful.

He like put on patches and then you'd be able to zap me?

No.

It's very funny, though.

Because it would be funny if I go like, yeah, the Pittsburgh

broth.

He lives in Pittsburgh this weekend.

I was like, it's fucking good.

It's a fucking good club.

But go on YouTube and watch Mateo's special, his latest special.

Hair plugs and heartache.

Hair plugs and heartache.

His new special is being filmed.

So you got that to look out for.

Hulu and Disney Plus.

Really?

Nice.

I know.

And

that's what's great is when you find out about a comic, if no one knows about you and they find out about this, I always love...

It's like finding out about a band.

You're like, oh, there's like albums out.

Let's go through everything.

You can watch the evolution of it.

So I always love that.

But make sure you go check out his podcast.

Check out everything mateo does he's insanely talented thanks and awesome to hang out with

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