98: Puke Rally with Matt Ross | Soder Podcast | EP 96

It's here.

The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour.

It's

in here.

September 25th at the United Theater in Los Angeles.

LA, I know it's downtown.

I know no one goes downtown, but I promise you, I'm bringing a very good show.

It's going to be worth your time to go downtown.

September 25th, United Theater.

Then the next night, the 26th, I'll be at the Moore Theater in Seattle, which I'm very excited about.

And then the 27th, Revolution Hall in Portland.

Portland, you sold out.

So I love you.

Thank you for selling that out.

Seattle and LA.

Pick up some tickets.

The shows are going to be very fun.

Dansoder.com for all dates announced right now on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour.

Thanks, and I'll see you out there.

I watch documentaries now, and that's all I want to talk about.

But that's why I keep cable channels because you see shitty ones.

Like, everyone will talk about the HBO ones.

No one talks about the Showtime, forgotten ones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or stars.

Because I've been watching all the ones that are on Netflix, and it's all the, it's the one about like the Travis Scott concert and like the

Poop Cruise one, which was crazy.

Yeah, the poop cruise.

They have to go.

It's funny watching Netflix do what TLC had to do.

Where TLC was like, we're the learning channel.

And then they're like, you ever seen thousand pound conjoined twins?

Yeah, exactly.

No, and Netflix is like, well, we were doing great documentaries.

How about a boat filled with shit?

Yeah, that, yeah, exactly.

And then everyone goes, I mean, I'm not going to lie,

I will 100% watch that.

Yeah, and it's short enough.

They didn't stretch it into some crazy three-part series.

Sometimes they do that where it's like, this could have been a 50-minute episode.

Yeah, some of those documentaries feel like lap dances where I go.

I feel like you're just going by the time and not by the vibe.

Yeah, exactly.

I need you to like dump your ass on me.

Yeah, you know me.

Yeah, yeah.

I got a,

there was, um, you ever been to Montreal?

No.

It's, uh, I don't know if it still is.

I don't want to sound like a guy that keeps up with this, but when I drank, their strip clubs were unbelievable.

Really?

Yeah, because they're French.

There's a French influence.

So their strip clubs are like...

Oh, success.

Yeah, they like try.

Yeah.

American strip clubs a lot of times are like, you want to pound my pussy?

And you're like, well, not really.

Yeah.

It's like

the strip clubs here, you can feel the capitalism within.

There is no romanticism at an American strip club.

It's just like slap meat.

Yeah, exactly.

Slap your meat against me.

A French strip club?

I would love that.

But here's the thing.

It's Montreal.

So there is a capitalist feel to it, which means there's a great buffet during the day.

We love that.

An affordable buffet.

An affordable steak at a strip club.

For all the young men watching this, don't listen to Andrew Tate.

Don't listen to those alpha males.

Simply listen to losers that learned how to get women to rub themselves on it.

And by that, I would say, go, if you're like 22 years old, go to a strip club during the day.

You don't have the capital for night action.

No.

Go during the day because lunch breaks.

The lunch crew is gonna put it on you.

Yeah, they're the ones they really have to earn they have to earn every dollar they're fighting with a with like a meatball Lunch set out for $9.99.

It's hard to convince somebody for a dance when they have like a plate of

like meatballs

meatballs in front of them loaded up on carbs and you're like they say a plate of potatoes.

Dry hump you.

Dude, I never went to strip clubs when I was young.

Really?

Ever.

I didn't go to my the first strip club I ever went to, I did a show

in the side room of a strip club in West Palm.

It was awful every time.

Strip club shows.

It was terrible.

Well, there was a huge glass window on the wall where you could see into the strip club.

So I'm up there like, you know, when your dad's being funny and there's like for real, like, and it was in Florida, so there's pussy on the other side.

They have their pussies out.

They're like dropping it.

Yeah, they're like, they're hanging from the rafters, like shaking their, it was like crazy.

Splash zone.

Yeah.

You just see the window, and you go, You ever go on these dating?

Yeah, exactly.

Because it was it was years ago.

I'm just doing like the worst material.

It's like it's like an aquarium window, yeah, or they're just like, if I put my hand up, maybe they'll come up and touch it.

Oh, she sees me.

Oh, yeah, oh, look, she's looking at me.

Oh,

right by.

I did a show at a strip club with Lewis and Dave.

It was like they were doing like Legion of Skanks live.

This was like

10 years ago in Detroit.

And Lewis was like,

Yeah, you're gonna go first and I just bombed because they didn't tell any they like kind of promoted it That's but then they just shut down the strip club.

They shut down the actual strip club like the main stage became a comedy show that yeah, I'm sure there's some guys in there who were like what the fuck for us for me being like you ever call your grandma a grandma voice and they're like shut the fuck up some guy who jerked himself 90% and then went to the strip club club like ready to get it off.

And then you're out there just like, putting bullets in the gun.

He's like, I'm going to come all over one of them.

And then we're up there like, smoking weeds crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

This fucking guy.

But I completely understood why I bombed when I left.

Never do a comedy club.

Comedy clubs in comedy and strip clubs

have to be carefully curated.

Yeah.

It's like having a saltwater tank.

You have to spend a lot of time on that shit.

The pH balance has to be just right.

Or you're fucked up.

Yes, exactly.

Everybody dies.

The strippers are mad.

They're not making money.

The comics are bombing.

The audience is so confused, they don't know what the hell's going on.

Well, and this show I did was in, it was in like the side room, and

there was like dinner tables.

So this was like the regulars of that club would come in.

They would eat like a $45 like strip steak and just watch you.

It would just be like, it would be like some old guy guy with like two young hot chicks next to him just like eating dinner and like begrudgingly watching you do comedy but that's their new kink

i don't find it funny i like the humiliation of it yeah exactly to watch these clowns humiliate themselves quick Barbie, grab a bite of shrimp.

You, a noodle.

Now watch this sad man Tom.

It's, I'm, uh, I'm fascinated that anyone, I could see why you would think stand-up might work at a strip club, but the second you do it, you go, this doesn't work at all.

Yeah, strip clubs are there for a purpose.

And like I said, American strip clubs, very capitalistic, but this Montreal one, so I went with Joe List.

We were at Just for Laughs.

And we were, this is like 2013, and we were still drinking.

And he was like, let's go to Super Sex, which is like one of their big ones.

It's called Super Sex.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Superman sign out front.

And then like some titties right under it.

It was pretty great.

Look up if you can look up.

I think it's closed now, but the Super Sex logo, it was very like, that's exactly how I want you to make the logo.

Yeah.

But we went at lunch because it was lunch and we didn't know where to get lunch.

And List was like,

List is a wild man.

And this is when List was drinking as well.

Yeah, and List was like, you never gone to a strip club at lunch?

It's the fucking best.

Woo!

And we go in, and

it was the best.

There was like

Baked ZD.

There was, yeah, that's it.

Honestly.

That's, that's amazing.

They're like so close to it without

like any copyright infringement.

They're like, yeah, like let's put Superwoman on it, but don't make it Super Woman.

You know what I mean?

Sex dude.

You would go up there and the buffet was great, but the fucking lap dances was like,

it was one of those things where when stripper, when strippers are good at their job,

people leave being like, we had something.

Yeah.

Like there was chemistry.

Yeah.

And I went during the lunch thing and this woman was just grinding it out for the money where I was like,

Dude, am I gonna have to move to Montreal?

Yeah, yeah, I think I'm in love with this woman, slightly older, but I could deal with that.

I'm gonna help her with her real estate ventures.

Yeah, I just want to talk to her, yeah, exactly.

I mean, we know the physical is there, yeah, yeah.

Let's get into this, let's really get to know each other, really see if this connects, yeah, dude.

I have never, I don't really like strip clubs, love strippers, they're great separate, separate entities in my mind.

I love MMA, I'm the opposite of MMA.

I like MMA fighters.

You really do.

Strippers in a strip club is a different world.

It's probably as obnoxious as comics in comedy clubs.

Oh, I'm sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just being like, what's up?

But it's like stripper names.

They're like, what's up, Cheyenne?

She's a real bitch.

She's all my tips.

It's the same room.

There's so much drama going on there at all times.

It's great.

And then, but comics, we do that with drama where we're like, uh-huh.

Yeah, he's a TikTok guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At the club, you're like, oh, what's up, man?

Good to see you, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you're like, this fuck, he sold out an entire weekend, and

all he does is do these stupid sketches.

He's been doing this two years.

As you're putting on your eyelashes in the mirror,

I'm putting the fucking my little cop suit on.

I'm like, yeah, this is fucking stupid.

He's not even like a real comic.

Just imagine comics putting on stripper attire as we talk shit about other comics.

It's like a long boot.

A long, sexy red boot.

And And I go, yeah, he's just crowd work.

He's pretty fucking lame.

Do some bits.

You never went to strip clubs.

No, dude.

I didn't.

Well, because I went, I went from like

young,

like I pretty quickly into the age where you can even go almost immediately went drug addict.

Yeah.

So, and like when you're this is Matt Ross, by the way.

Oh, hey, everybody.

Yeah.

This is Matt Ross.

We slow start.

And then I realized people tell me I don't intro people.

I don't.

Matt Ross.

That's okay.

My name will be in the title.

Yeah.

Just look right down there.

Yeah, it'll be somewhere.

Yeah.

And And if you're listening, you're welcome.

Yeah.

So you went right into drugs?

I mean, I was a drug addict before I was even 21 years old.

So yeah, strip clubs weren't really like, I started doing, I started like hard drugs probably around like 19 or 20.

Damn.

So even like bar, I wasn't even really like a big bar guy because by that time,

yeah, exactly.

I mean, I would go, but like, I don't have a lot of like, oh, we were at the bar one time or went home with this girl.

Like, I don't have a lot of those.

What was the thing that got you, what, what turned you into hard drugs?

What was the thing?

moment were you were you like because i did the normal started smoking weed started drinking yeah but then i saw people go into drugs yeah i i was always like when i was in high school like a party kind of but just it was like smoking weed and we loved smoking k2 i don't know if you guys remember those days

well so i'm old enough to know that i was old enough that young people are doing it and i was like that sounds dangerous dude it was dangerous and it felt dangerous not in a fun way it felt like it felt like you you never know what's about to happen.

I went to a Catholic school that drug tested randomly.

It was a dangerous thing.

So then, you know, you don't want to fail a drug test, which I eventually did.

Just being a student?

Yeah.

Was it that good of a school?

It was a, I mean, it was a pretty good school.

It was a private Catholic school.

Yeah.

So

is that common with private schools to drug tests?

I don't know.

I mean, there were a couple other private schools in the area, and I don't remember them drug testing.

That sucked.

Yeah, it did.

It sucked.

And then I ended up failing one my senior year anyways but dude yeah that that stuff was i mean it might be as crazy of drug i mean i've done you've done them all almost all of them i never smoked crack i never did meth

i wish i had smoked crack honestly as someone that lived in arizona with during the like the real meth boom yeah like i was there like people like people talk about williamsburg in the 90s like seeing the strokes and shit like i was in tucson when meth was blowing up yeah it looks i get it like i've been around it where you go like i don't think i could have done crack because i think crack is the it just like absorbs you meth just like fucking sends you you yeah dude i mean you're dude meth and you're high for three days and you're just like ah yeah just the the body fat index and how shredded they all were they're getting great i mean it's it gets you in great shape they would you're active all the time they'd be coming out of water ravines and shit with six packs

You're like, yeah, guy's face is.

I mean, I'm on straw.

Yeah, it's not good.

Because E-bombs world is like one of those first places where they show you, like, look at this girl, get on meth, and by like the 16th month shot, you're like, oh,

just like a jaw.

It looks like that old guy that did the sour face where it's like his jaws above his nose.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, eventually that's how it gets.

But if you were to say once,

crack, do them once, and then get off it.

Then it's crack.

You do crack.

Yeah, because that's what everybody says.

Everybody says, all the crackheads I know

are like, it's the first time is the time where you're like, what, like, holy shit, and then it's never that ever again.

And even heroin wasn't like that.

Like, heroin, you go through a phase where you're like, you're, you're smoking it, you're snorting it, you're not doing it all the time, but then you move to, but it's still pretty good, but then you move to IV.

Is that the just the tip moment?

Dude, it's not.

Is that where you're like, just, you're just going like

with heroin?

You're like, and heroin's jacking you off.

You're like, oh, this is crazy.

And then heroin's like, just put it in.

You go, I don't know if I should.

Yeah.

I don't know if I should put it in.

You literally do, and you're like, fuck.

Yeah, exactly.

Yes.

Yeah, it's insane.

Mike DiStefano on stage would say it was like

a hundred puppies licking your balls.

That was his joke about it.

It's like, it's like a, yeah, it's like a warm hug from your mom.

I mean, it just,

is it deep?

I've done really good.

The hardest drug I've ever done is probably like MDMA cut with speed.

I'm not a big drug guy.

Yeah.

Weed and alcohol were plenty for me.

Yeah.

But MDMA made me feel this feeling deep in my soul that was like getting light on a houseplant for the first time.

Yeah.

Like I watched the leaves move where I was like, this feels.

You understand the feeling.

Dude, we did an Ari did a secret show that night with like a couple comics and I was still high on MDMA and i was just apologizing to club kids i go it all makes sense the necklace with the candy on it the abundance of water yeah i see you now yeah and heroin you do it once and you go i understand like the pasties i even get that not for me maybe but i get it you want your tips out

but heroin was the thing where it was like

I heard how great it was,

but I just also knew.

But there's no upside.

Like, like when you watch somebody do like Molly or ecstasy, whatever, they go, it's amazing.

And then you go to the club and like dance and they have a good night.

But like heroin, it's like, it's so good that you'll ruin your life for it.

It's like, that's a different, that's a different road.

That kind of is in

some stripper pussy.

Say what?

Stripper pussy.

Yeah.

They're like, you'll ruin your life for that.

And you're like, hey.

I had a stripper threat.

The first stripper I ever had sex with, she threatened to burn my house down.

And I still slept with her after that moment.

It is like heroin.

You're right.

That's incredible.

It's like, I'll burn your house down.

You go, prove it.

It wasn't,

it wasn't, I'll burn your house down.

It's, I'm gonna, I'm gonna,

I'm gonna get the, I'm gonna get a junkie from the

7-Eleven by your house, probably one of your friends, that's what she said, to steal your dog.

This sounds like and burn your house down.

It was like a plan.

There were steps to it.

I also want to let her loose on Reddit.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

To say that she's going to get a homeless junkie to kidnap your dog and burn your house down, and then to call him your friend might be some of the best troll I ever heard of my life.

No, like, and she just threw it in, too.

She's like, probably one of your friends.

Like, all right, I get it.

Oh, you're so sexy.

Yeah.

I can see

just your cleavage enough is making people believe you.

Yeah.

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So how did you get from K2 to heroin?

Well, I mean, so when I, once I graduated high school, I mean, there was a bunch of like, so I went to college to play basketball.

Yeah.

And that didn't work out to like things outside of my control.

And then I, at the time, I had started like smoke.

smoking more weed.

I started selling weed.

I started dabbling.

I had taken like a Xanax here, this and that.

And then

I had some like fucked up shit happen.

And

when that all happened, I was kind of already dabbling into drugs.

And then one of my friends knew I sold weed.

Her grandma died when they were cleaning out her house.

She found a bottle of Percocet and she was like, are these worth anything to you?

And I was like, yeah,

I gave her like a couple grams of bud and she gave me a bottle of 90 Percocet, which is maybe still to this day the best deal I've ever had gotten on on drugs.

For how many grams?

They were 10 milligrams.

I gave her like two grams of bud.

It was less than an eighth?

Yeah.

98.

I also took her to lunch.

Great.

I took her to Tex Mex.

Right.

A couple enchiladas, a couple chicken enchiladas for 90 per cassette.

It was, yeah.

And so then I was like selling those.

And then

you start taking those, and it was like, ooh.

Per cents rule.

They were, it was crazy.

The only reason I didn't have a a horrible addiction was because I was so young I was 14 and I couldn't get them after that yeah but mama mia dude I started saving because they I had shoulder surgery and when they they had to reset my like shoulder my humeral head or whatever and they were like we're gonna give you Percocet and I would just take Advil and then I'd pocket the Percocet

and I just dude I

grid it out just be like oh I'd had nights where like my shoulder would be throbbing and I'd be like you fucking save it and then I'd go to the fucking shut out Ryan's house.

Just sit on his back porch and eat Percocet and watch the football team practice.

Smoke sigs.

Smoke sigs.

14 years old.

Nothing hits like a cigarette when you're on, when you're on

and you've been broken up with the summer before your freshman year.

You're still heartbroken about it, dude.

We watched, I remember watching like kids at his house and being like, this feels like this is awesome.

You're like, fucked up.

Oh, no.

We were like on perks.

And I was like, why are we watching this?

I'll start talking like casper.

I was like, yo, yo, posting

spells like bottlescar.

Yeah.

But I, uh, I fucking, but I ran out of them.

Yeah.

And I was 14.

And that's.

Now you wasn't going to do some crazy shit to get them.

Yeah.

And that's how that goes.

But like, I, yeah, I, once I started taking those, and then I started making, you know, druggie friends.

And then some, a guy I knew was doing

Roxys, which like the

predecessor to oxygen and i remember lower oxygen they were

it went from it went from yeah it went like that's not gonna fucking hard it went from oxy um ocs which were like super high milligram supposed to be extended release but you could just suck the coating off and then snort them and shoot them and all that dude where's that book and then

dope sick oh yeah yeah uh she just straight up walks down how everyone took oxys stripped them of their time release crushed them and

exactly so then I

got into drugs after those had already been discontinued because everybody was abusing them, but they still made Roxys, which my buddies were there, like they would be in my apartment, they'd be like snorting them.

And I was like, that seems a little intense.

But then once you do enough perks and you realize those are exactly that, except better, you do that.

And then you start buying those from that guy.

And then eventually that guy starts doing hair.

Like one day I call him to try to get Roxys and he goes, I don't, but I can get, I can get you tar.

And I was like,

yeah, we called it tar or dark.

Tar or dark?

Yeah, dark was like, if you're texting about it, as if it's so funny when you're like, like a 19-year-old being like, hey, can I get, like, it's like, like, the feds are going to read my text and be like, what could he be talking about?

I can't decipher him.

Yeah.

We need to bring in a code break.

Yeah, but I...

Listening to you talk about that knowing you were 19 makes me feel like such a colossal pussy for how worried I was about about getting busted buying weed in Arizona.

And you're all like, yeah, let me get dark.

I was like, hey, got any more caterpillars?

So I can smoke a bowl.

You're like, yeah, I'm going after the hard shit.

Yeah.

Well, and then like, yeah, so, you know, you make that call and it's such an easy sell because at first you go, I don't really know.

And he goes, it's 50 bucks and it's going to get you higher than 200 bucks of oxies will.

And I'm like, all right, yeah, let's do that.

That's always the argument for heroin yeah it's always it's the most powerful and the cheapest yeah that's why that oxycotton thing of like how everyone's hooked on heroin and opiates now is it just led to that right it's i mean it's it's just you got taken away by the same tide that took away most of america right which is here's a couple pills oh you feel superhuman and comfortable yeah now there's no more pills but Here's the

altitude.

There is an alternative.

Exactly.

So when you you started doing heroin did you start snorting it um so with tar you can't it's kind of hard to snort because it's like a i mean it's like tar yeah so you can snort it but it's very you have to like dissolve it in just a little bit of water and you have to snort the water up your nose but you can't you don't want to snort it too far because then it'll just go down into your stomach and you don't absorb so you have to like half snort it and like hold it you know when you get a bloody nose you have to like lean forward like that it's like that like you

so it's awful so it's so much easier to just smoke it off foil and i love smoking stuff off of foil.

Do you, what kind of straw do you use?

Don't kill the turtles.

No, so

the best thing to do.

Plastic would melt.

Yeah, so the best thing to do is take a Bic pen,

empty out a Bic pen, cut it in half.

And Bic knew what to do.

It's so easy to disassemble.

Johnson, why did you make that pen like that?

He goes, hand it to me.

Now you can snort heroin.

He goes, son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch.

My dad is like finding out when the Apple chargers could do that thing for the cord.

What?

Like old Apple chargers used to have these latches on it that you could pull.

Oh, yeah.

That's what they do with Bic.

Yeah.

You use it for heroin.

Oh, my God.

Bic is owned by Purdue Pharma.

You're like, who would have thought?

Oh, the Sacker family's got interest in Bic.

Yeah.

So that's how you smoke it mostly.

And then, so you're smoking it.

Yeah.

And then what?

Who was the one that was like, you should, because

Katie hates needles.

I'm fine with them, but I would never trust myself.

Yeah, so I actually had a pretty unique experience with that the first time because most people it is you're hanging around other people who are doing it and then eventually they'll do it to you.

I would have to do that.

I go, yep.

I feel so healthy.

No, you'd be shocked.

There are people who come in, been drug addicts for years who never, who have never shot themselves up.

Is that the heroin equivalent of like, I've smoked reeds since I was 15, but I can't roll a joint?

Yes, exactly.

It's like, at what point did you not figure, hey, maybe I should learn to do this myself?

I just go,

I would absolutely have this thing tied around my arm, dude.

I need you to help me.

It's like when I set up the lights for the podcast with Mike and I go, I helped.

And he goes, yeah, sure.

You like extend one thing exist.

You're like, there we go.

Ready to go?

Who helped?

I would absolutely walk up with a tie around my arm and be like, could you have to be like, could you do this for me?

Yes, again.

Please, I want to go meet God.

You're like, oh, fine.

and then i'm bitchy about it i go out

not so hard yeah that's like what i do with joints and someone to roll me a joint i go i mean yeah i get

yeah you can't you don't even roll it yeah so i i was really high one night i was living in my parents house of course and uh

I was really high.

I had way more, way more than I usually do.

Not, not like just like I just, I had stolen money or done something and I had a bunch, I had a lot of heroin, way more than I usually, usually it's you by the, but at a certain point, you almost always have the bare minimum or less.

At this point, I had a lot, and I went into the kitchen to get like a snack, and I was going through the drawers, and my dad gives himself allergy shots.

So I found, I just find like a bag in the back of the cabinet of needles.

And they're the same, like really skinny, you know, like

forget, like 20 gauge or whatever.

Have you had watched people shoot up on it?

I had seen people do it and I knew people who did it, but I was just never like, you know, I was still like, I was in denial for a really, I always was like, I was always like, no, I only do pills and I know what print is on them, so I will always be safe.

And then it was like, oh, I only smoke it.

I don't shoot it.

Like, I was very, like, trying to always be like, no, it's not that bad.

Is there an air of superiority when you're snorting and smoking it versus shooting it?

Like, do you look down on the people shooting it or do you look at them like they're more extreme?

Yeah, it flip-flops eventually where you go, that's actually

the way to do it.

I don't want to end up like Ronnie over here.

Yeah.

And then by every, oh, I forgot.

He's on a different planet already.

Yeah, he's trying to catch up to Ronnie.

And so I ended up like, I ended up on a blue light forum, like looking up how to shoot up.

And I didn't,

I never, I didn't do it right the first time.

I, because I was scared to do it.

And I have big veins for the most part, but I was scared to do it somewhere somebody could see.

So I was trying to, I kept trying to hit something that I thought was a vein in my foot, but it was just like a tendon.

Just wasting hair away.

Oh, I so much.

But if you, if you shoot it into your body, it will still absorb it and get you high.

But the, the first time I remember doing it, I, the guy who I was getting it from, I did it with him in like a garage.

And it was, when you do it, it's so overwhelming that it's almost scary where it's just like, because it's just like, once you, once, once you do it, it's in.

There's no, it's like eating an edible.

Yeah.

And it starts coming on, and you go, I hope it stops here.

I hope it stops here.

That's how it works.

Except with an edible, you're not going to die.

Heroin, guess what?

That elevator goes up.

I mean,

I did it, and then you immediately feel like you're going to throw up, which is, then I did throw up.

And then after that, just

great.

I mean, just wonderful.

Yeah.

Just in an empty garage with two other drug addicts that I don't know at all.

Oklahoma.

In Oklahoma.

I can't trust.

You are having just the time of your life.

Nothing is wrong.

What was the first come down like?

I remember the first time I felt like I had like withdrawals.

It was awful.

I was working at the YMCA.

Great.

Around of children.

Yeah.

It's a Christian establishment.

Dude.

No, I'm talking about,

because I want to hear about this.

I'm talking about in the garage in Oklahoma.

Yeah.

You go up, you see the earth for what it is, you realize that we're all an organism, you feel happiness for the first time.

I don't know if heroin's quite that like

universe awareness.

I think I'm projecting mushroom shit.

Yeah, you are.

It's a lot more just like

it's a lot more of like a dull darkness of just like, nothing really matters.

Just a warmth.

Kind of thing.

Just like a warmth of like, everything's okay, but it's not like we're all one.

I'm not like me and this guy.

No,

it's like a personalized warmth yeah exactly it's kind of like stay a little

I'm just my little blanket yeah and when did you come out of it in the garage well you you kind of stay high for like a while Like it's not like a, it's not like like the way cracks been described to me where it's like a really quick up and then a pretty quick down.

It's you're high for a while and you can extend it by chain smoking cigarettes.

Chain smoking Newports will keep the thing going for a little bit.

Smoking weed will do it for a little bit but it's really not like an intense just not cracking calm down not really you feel like a little like your head's a little like wonky but it's really not the crash from Xanax which was my number two is way worse for sure yeah dude I went to college at a time when it was really fucking popular to eat Zan Zanny bars and drink which is

Very dangerous.

Extremely.

And I'll tell you right now, all of those warriors I knew in Tucson

all had a moment of like, they had to get sober.

Yeah.

Like that's

in college right now.

You don't understand it, but in like

10 years, give it 10 to 14 years.

You're just going to see a lot of people that they were like,

well, that bill came.

Yeah.

Like people I knew that were some of the hottest girls and some of the coolest dudes were doing zannies and they're doing Coke and they like drink and their lives just looked, they lived in like beautiful houses that had tile floors yeah and then you see them 12 years old and they go there was a price to pay oh yeah yeah you were accruing debt that entire time and eventually you had no idea they come to collect yeah I was at a coffee shop before I came here and I was talking to the barista who's like 21 or 22 and I was somehow me being sober came up and she asked me about rehab or whatever she's like I don't know anybody who's done that and I was like you will oh my god

you go this is the best part of your life yeah it's gonna you don't need to know anybody it's coming trust me.

Everybody in your 40s.

Yeah.

You reach 40s and everybody's out.

It's like dodgeball, where like drug use is like dodgeball, where you're like, everyone's in in your 20s, and then people start getting eliminated.

And people start catching it and throwing it.

And then you're like down to like two people and you're like, and like that is the last of it.

It starts with drugs, then people get sober, and then the booze.

Yeah, I see, I've seen that a lot of people that I know who

are word drug addicts, and then they kind of get it together a little bit and then they just become alcoholics shout out yeah

i mean it's that's the route it's the final boss you can put you yeah you because you can push alcohol for a lot longer than you can other stuff for sure alcohol is when you're playing a video game and you play that first level and you can it's like very fun and you beat it and then you go on through the game and then at the final level is that but it's like the upside down version where it's like very hard you're like this is scary i don't like this at all

That's what booze and everything.

Like I thought I was making the good choice.

You should just fucking button max through this shit.

Now it takes everything you learned in those other levels to beat those levels.

I hope you were paying attention the entire time.

You're going to have to use all your skills.

You better not jam through those cutscenes.

Yeah.

You're going to need a lot of that.

Yeah, you're going to need to know the storyline.

But it, I mean, it is, where was the moment where you started, like you were talking about, you were at YMCA?

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Oh, that was, I came home one day after work and I remember being in, I remember being miserable.

I had tried to have like drugs delivered to me that day while I was at work because I didn't have a car at the time.

And

that fell through.

And then I got home and I remember like my family was there having dinner.

Like my sisters who didn't live there were there.

And I just remember being in like my stupid purple polo that the YMCA made me wear and going into my room and shutting the door and laying on the ground.

My door didn't lock with my feet up against it.

Yeah.

And just like your stomach feels like it's turning inside out.

And you start getting the cold sweats.

And it was just just like, and then you have to go do yeah, the crazy

thing that relieves it.

I mean, if you push through, you'll get through it, you'll detox, but like, and detoxing from heroin won't like kill you or anything.

You just get sick and you like shit yourself and throw up.

And then, but as sick as you can get, heroin alleviates it immediately.

Immediately, you go from like the worst flu you've ever had to like totally fine in like 30 seconds.

It's crazy have you ever drank with a hangover yeah it's kind of like hair of the dog except it's way more effective yeah it's like yeah that's what it sounds like like an instant fix yeah because hair of the dog what it is is you're still hurting then you drink that beer and you go like

a little better yeah and then you have that second beer and you're like where's that third beer at yeah exactly then you're fine but heroin it's like one and you're like it's instant are there people that do heroin get sick is that where the addiction happens is where they're just getting sick all the time so they do it just to stay like even keel i mean yeah i mean that's a part of it i guess are you still trying to get high yeah there does come a point where you're not really that high that

sucks that's that's the place you get to where you go fuck i got it that's that's where i i mean on top of just like the consequences and like relationships that are ruined and like the shittiness of my life and just like the way that i felt when you like when you're like shooting heroin and you like shoot an entire syringe full of heroin and you're not high, you're just not sick,

you go, you go, fuck.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

That's the, I mean, that is the ultimate example.

And addictions, you know, no matter what you're addicted to, it all becomes like that.

Like you'd like sex addicts get to a point where they're like, yeah, and then I had to have my head set on fire while I was getting egged in order just to get an erection.

And you're like, holy fuck.

No.

But like booze, I remember drinking just to feel normal.

Yeah.

Just being like, by the end of it, it was like I was drinking every night.

So I would wake up and then I would go like, well, I'll have a couple.

Yeah.

I mean, my weed use gets out of control sometimes where I'm like, I'm just smoking to stay normal.

And then you quit and you go like, fuck.

Yeah.

Because then when you quit, I mean, when you quit, did you tell your parents?

Yeah.

So, I mean, there was a whole

like debot like thing that happened that got me to rehab.

I I mean I had to go willingly like they, you know, it's really hard to court order somebody to rehab without like a pretty severe crime or something like that being done but like i had a thing where like my buddy's dad had passed away and i was supposed to go to the funeral but i got high earlier that day and then when i

was getting ready for the funeral my parents showed up and they knew i was high so they went into my car and they found like my syringes and my uh like my dope and then they found a tv that i was gonna pawn and then my girlfriend took all of our cash because i was selling weed at the time too so my girlfriend who was not very with me She was totally against me doing drugs She took all of our cash My mom had access to my bank account took like the couple hundred bucks I had in there out Were you getting caught doing heroin?

Yeah, so you're getting caught by your parents by my girlfriend by my girlfriend like no girlfriend wasn't like doing it either we were we were like smoking weed and like take a Xanax every I mean she would take a Xanax every once in a while I took Xanax like every day yeah but everything

dude everything was a secret every like and so which made it scarier oh dude it made it so much worse.

Cause it's just.

So the feeling of being drunk and trying not to get caught, I know that very well.

Yeah.

Like kind of like, this is what you're talking about.

And you just got a breath in it.

Yeah.

You guys are being fucking crazy.

Yeah.

What is it like on heroin?

Are you like, I'm.

Sober.

Yeah.

You literally're fucking on heroin.

Yeah.

I, you're like trying to convince somebody you're sober while you're like.

Yeah.

And then they're like, Matt, you're like, I'm not asleep.

Like, that's what I'm saying.

That was Artie Lang came on the bonfire one time and he was still really fucked up on heroin.

And he was like, I'm fine.

Yeah.

And he goes, I was thinking about, he was very good at playing it.

I mean, Artie's a genius.

Yeah.

Like, watching him comedically, he was like so quick that that leads to him being great at being on heroin.

Yeah.

Where he was able to go like, oh, no, I was thinking about something.

You go, oh, I thought you were nodding.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's it.

Yeah.

Is that what it is?

Is the nod?

I'm going to ask, you know, questions because I'm stupid about this, but is it like a little nap?

Yeah, yeah, like the best nap ever.

Oh, it's, I love, I love to this day, if I can catch a, like, a, uh, like a little sober nod, like if I'm that tired and I'm on the couch like that, I still there's something

there's something like, yeah, there's something like

romantic about like feeling like, or like on the plane, I had like a 6 a.m.

flight here, and there was a moment where I woke myself up because I, my head fell down, and I was like, that folk kind of gave it.

It was like a little treat, you know?

Enjoy, it, old friend.

Yeah.

You're really, it really is.

You're just like, you're just falling asleep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's how I felt when one time, one of like the last times I was on Opie and Anthony, when it was Opie and Anthony, I had the flu and they gave me this like uh cayenne shooter thing and it burned and it burned and I didn't like it but I had just quit drinking so I was still really good at throwing up when I needed to like telling myself to throw up when I could do it and I did it and I went like and I was like and I came out of the stall being like like still got it yeah still got that fastball even though it had been six months since I stopped drinking I was like I can still throw when something's in my stomach and I need it out because I used to be able to clear room to drink more yeah I when I was like feeling like too full or like a little drunk I'd go like

let's just keep going puke and rally man I mean that's it's so funny that like puke and rally is a thing that I remember like young like like being young and doing and it's like a like a funny thing of like oh I'm gonna puke and rally and then it does turn into like where you're like

brother this this is an assistant.

There's seriously not enough room and I have to have more.

Yeah, it starts getting real dark with drinking and puking and rally where you like start to worry about the enamel on your teeth as you're doing it where you go like

and you go

rubbing your thing on it.

This keeps the enamel on it.

Sorry, I want to go do more shots with Michael Che

downstairs at Playwrights.

That was the last time I did that.

We were drinking Guinness doing shots and I was like blackout from earlier.

And I just went downstairs, threw up, felt fine, drank water out of the sink, came back upstairs and was like, and did a double right when I walked up.

And you're like, Guinness and shots.

What a thick meal.

Yeah, it really is.

It's a full meal.

What a thick puke you had.

That's awful.

It was like a whole

loaf of bread.

Yeah.

I was back up there like.

It comes out whole.

I was like, look at my ass.

Yeah.

But it was.

Yeah.

So you, so it got to the point where you were hiding it from girlfriend, parents.

Yeah.

Did you, how did your girlfriend catch you?

She would catch me all the time get

like hi yeah you get fucked up you get stuff like i would have like people drop drugs at the house and she'd see me like go out or she'd hear the door like try to do it while she was asleep or one thing i did i've and it was so stupid when you have these moments of clarity when you're sober you're like because like for the last couple for the last like probably year and a half i really wanted to be sober and like get my shit together but i just like couldn't do it that's good that means it's coming yeah when you start feeling that that is your subconscious telling your conscious like i'm coming right we need to knock this shit off and i think everybody with a substance if you like feel that while you're using substances it is good to listen to that voice because you're gonna be like my body's telling me to knock this shit off exactly and that so i would have these moments of clarity and sobriety where i would do like really drastic things to try to prove that i was being good and one of the things that i did because i would lock myself in the bathroom all the time in a moment of clarity i was like i took the bathroom door off of the hinges.

And you went, How can I lock myself?

And I went, see, babe, I'm being transparent.

I'm being vulnerable.

Just a door leaning on a wall.

The most heroin thing in the world is just a random door leaning on a wall.

You go, well, you do heroin.

Yeah.

I walked in your apartment and I saw a door off the hinges.

I go, what do you guys do?

Heroin?

You got an extra door?

Why do you want to do this?

No, that belongs to the bathroom.

That's so there's no secrecy.

Yeah.

Okay, but I got to take a dump at your place now.

Exactly, exactly.

She's on the pot, like, hey.

So, so then, you know, and then it's like two days later, I'm like, fuck, like, because I want to be locked myself in the bathroom.

Do heroin.

Yeah, I need to do heroin in the bathroom now.

Can I just ask you, as a former cigarette smoker, when you would do heroin in the bathroom, would you light up a cigarette in there?

Dude, we smoked cigs in our house all the time.

It was such a sweet treat.

I know it's gross.

It's so.

I know people are going to have their comments about it.

I know.

But smoking inside is a goddamn pleasure.

It really is.

It just to watch the smoke dance up.

And yeah, I'm turning the ceiling yellow.

Who gives a shit?

I'm turning me yellow.

Yeah.

Just fucking.

It was so.

So you do heroin in the bathroom and light a cigarette.

Yeah, every once in a while.

Yeah.

That was like when I was hung over and I'd do naked dump smoking cigarette

where I just dumped the mulch out of me.

Yeah.

Like

shitting.

Dude, my old roommate was like,

the smell is so

sorry.

What a crazy thing to do to your roommate.

That was wild.

Yeah, because I, because, because, I mean, because in Oklahoma, we get, you know, I'm in Texas now.

We don't really get like a winter.

And then I lived in Florida for, like, we got like a pretty proper winter.

So it's like, you're fucked up and you want a cigarette.

It sucks.

Go out.

And especially if you're high, going in too intense of an environment will kill your high.

You can't, like, you're cozy, you're comfy, you're roughly asleep.

Yeah, keep that, keep that warmth inside you.

So the second the lighter hits the cigarette inside, you go,

it's gonna smell no matter what.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, I might as well just roast it.

We also, like, we would just like roast like swisher blunts, like, all day long in the house.

Like, I mean, like, that's where the age comes in.

A cigarette really doesn't do much.

Yeah, because now everybody uses like backwoods and all these, like, whatever.

Just scumming a fat swisher that costs 79 cents.

Yeah.

Dumping its guts, and then having the one friend that you found out was good at eating pussy because they were good at rolling blunts.

Yeah, I, dude, I don't know.

Why does he always have a hot girlfriend?

Yeah, he's like,

you know,

oh, shit.

I still, to this day, love rolling joints and rolling blunts whenever somebody will let me.

On the road, you're going to have to teach me how to roll a joint.

I would love to, dude.

I'm still doing

it.

It's crazy.

We'll have Pimp come back on the road with us.

Yeah, Dylan.

Do a little tutorial.

I learned because I love...

I mean, I miss cigarettes.

So when someone rolls a blunt, you're getting tobacco.

Yeah, you get a little treat.

Yeah.

It's like Sharad Small will smoke spliffs with tobacco in it at the cellar, and I'll be like, oh, you're smoking a spliff?

And I'm just there for the tobacco.

I don't know if I've ever met anybody who vocally misses cigarettes as much as you do.

I miss it a lot.

I think I smoke so much weed because I miss cigarettes.

Really?

I miss smoking, dude.

Yeah.

Drinking was fine.

Drinking was great because of smoking.

Yeah.

That's wow.

See, for me, because for me, smoking was great because of drugs or drinking.

I was all there for the smoke.

I was all there for the smoking.

You would having a beer in a shot and then, oh, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette.

And then you go outside and you're like a little drunk.

You're like looking around and then you're like light your cigarette.

You have a purpose.

You're accomplishing a goal in front of people.

And you're also cool as fuck.

Stay there looking cool as fuck.

I really like,

the way Katie and I talk about it, it's like that we went to conversion camp for gays yeah we talk about gay sex with each other yeah like

I'm telling you the world gets bad enough I'm gonna start butt fucking dudes yeah it's like those it's like those uh there's these reality shows where like Mormon wives have these husbands yeah have you seen like there's like clips of it of the guy being like I do have same-sex attraction but I'm not you know acting on and it's like but they'll have those conversations where it's like well if I was going to do this I I would probably suck off Raphael at the grocery store exactly yeah it's uh Katie and I do that with cigarettes.

When I got to meet, we have this rule, right?

Katie and I have a rule.

It's kind of a made-up rule, but it still rules.

It's a rule that rules.

But we said the second that American military troops boots on the ground

in a foreign conflict, we're starting to smoke cigarettes again.

Really?

Yeah.

Because

if we're going to start getting into a nuke off,

I'm not going to not smoke

and get nuked.

I'm I'm going to fucking smoke.

See, I have a similar, but it's like way more drastic.

It's like, if there became like, it was like apocalyptic times.

That's that's basically what we're hitting.

It's like going to end.

I'm like, yeah, like, I'll probably, I don't, if there's a chance that we're probably going to make it out of it, I'm good.

But like, if it's like walking dead level apocalypse, I'm, first off, I'm not going to be the guy with a baseball bat with barbed wire on it.

That's just like, so I'm out.

Out.

I will be easy to kill.

Yeah, I'll be.

I will be drunk.

I will be very easy to kill.

I'll be asleep.

I'll be fucking.

I'm afraid you supplies for booze will be who I will be.

Yeah.

I'll be like, what about that bottle of whiskey in your back?

Yeah.

You go, do you have it or not, old man?

I go, I do for that sweet bottle.

For that sweet, sweet nectar.

Cigarettes,

you can do that and come back from it.

Yeah, you can start smoking and then you can quit again.

When I got to meet Josh Homie from Queens of the Stone Age, it's like my favorite musician of all time.

I mean, I'm wearing the the merch, but he had a pack of Marlboro lights just chilling in the front.

And Katie and I were hanging out.

And I just looked at her and I went, it was right when we bombed Iran.

And I went, like, boots on the ground?

And Katie checked her phone like she was my fucking press secretary.

She goes, no, boots on the ground.

I was like, son of a bitch.

I want to smoke one of his cigarettes.

And then he took one out and smoked.

And I was like, ah,

fuck.

I want it so bad.

Smoking inside and just smoking in general.

And they're like,

I do this thing now.

Like, you know how, I don't know if it's the same in Oklahoma.

New York City doesn't get snow anymore.

Like our winters, there's just no, there's just no snow.

We get like ice and sleet and shit.

Same with Texas.

We don't really get like snow.

But New York used to get fat, fluffy fucking snow.

It used to get like blizzard snow.

And now we get like...

maybe one a year or two a year, but we get a shit ton of rain.

And so whenever I see like a rainstorm in like January, I always like, will say to Katie or whoever I'm with, I'm like, yo, this should be snow.

Like this should be snowing.

It should be snowing like a motherfucker right now.

And it said it's pouring rain.

But that's what I do when I see people vaping.

I go, you should be smoking cigarettes.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

You should be outside ripping a fucking.

Yeah.

Dude, the vaping thing, I do think cigarettes are back now, though.

It's

cool.

I think they're cool.

Dude, so I, because there was a moment where everybody was on, everybody went to vape.

Some people are still vaping.

I've been staying in Bushwick, and there's just like not a normal person there at all.

It's all just like young, cool weirdos.

Like, if they were so bizarre, you would realize they're just rich kids from like Connecticut or Rhode Island.

Yeah, and then they're being

dressed weird with like no eyebrow.

I don't know what's going on.

No eyebrow thing sucks.

It's crazy.

I hated it when I was a young kid.

Like the kid in Terminator 1, when Arnold lost his eyebrows in Terminator 1.

Yeah.

Hated it.

I don't want to see hot girls.

I don't, but I've seen a lot of these hot, young, bleached, bleached eyebrows, tattoos.

Yeah.

It is.

just being friends with Matt.

I might talk.

Just be in front of Matt.

He's listening.

I go, you like this shit.

Yeah,

I might talk shit about how many of them are around in Bushwick, but I like it.

Oh, you're overwhelmed.

I'm in.

You're overstimulated.

I'm in enemy lines, and I love it.

I'm a double agent right now.

For sure, yeah.

The gauges and Peter.

Yes, but they're all walking around young, hot, smoking SIGs.

And I'm like, Sigs are back.

I think, yeah, I think they've made a comeback.

They're back.

I would like to come back.

I would really enjoy it.

But then sometimes I hang out with my friends that still smoke and there is this one thing that happens that makes me immediately go like, now I'm glad I'm done, is they will wheeze while breathing normally.

Like they'll be talking and they'll be like,

like you'll hear it that like,

and you go, fuck that, dude.

I remember that.

I remember my throat always hurting, my chest always hurting.

Well, dude, like when I go to any green room, it's shocking how many green rooms you can smoke in in Austin.

It's like so weird.

I don't know what the deal is is there.

It really is.

And I'll be in one, like if I'm in one for an hour,

I feel bad.

I've woken up with like a sore throat the next day just from being in a green room like that.

There's nothing worse than seeing someone smoke a cigarette and not really smoke a cigarette.

I watched somebody.

It should be a felony.

They hold it.

I watched somebody do that to a joint.

No.

I watched him do it to a joint.

And I'm not even like, I just love, I love weed, but I just can't do it.

Sure.

And I watch, and she was sharing it with somebody else.

And I was like, let him have the rest of it.

You're not even inhaling it.

I'm not even here for it.

Yeah.

It's like eating a meal and you're just pushing your food around.

Exactly.

Like a kid being like, no, mom, I ate some.

Can I tell you right now, my grandmother, right before she died, was like, it was real bad.

This is when she's like, she's probably like 95, 96.

Katie and I went to visit her.

And we drove from San Francisco.

It was a long-ass drive.

And we get there at night.

My nana, my grandma's like, no, I have food for you.

I cooked it.

And Katie was like,

like, looked at me like, we're not actually going to do this.

She gave us food that was hours old on a plate.

If anybody wants to know,

Katie Nolan is

elite at pushing her food around so it looks done.

I was trying to do it and I looked over and I was like, it was like you were in class taking a test.

I was like, how did you do that?

Yeah.

I was like, how did you do that?

How did it done?

How did you do that?

My grandma was like, well, Katie loved hers.

I was like, I actually took bites.

Yeah.

I actually

think I'm going to take a rat on her.

She was throwing a rat on her.

She didn't even eat any.

Because my grandma was like, well, Katie loved hers.

Oh, no.

But it was brilliant.

She like flattened it and pushed it out and like spread it even, but then made wide pockets of white on the plate so it looked.

What a skill you don't think you need until you need it.

I fell more in love with her that day.

I said, way to get out of that.

A skill you don't know yet until you're trying not to eat.

know your grandma's slot that she cooked four hours before she couldn't even cook she shouldn't have been living by herself she expired food but like by the way not even less than a year later she was in a home yeah and i went and we went through her stuff and it was all expired food yeah so she was giving us expired food well to be fair like my mom totally wits about her entirely she's like 65 she does yoga like three times a week like she's like doing well she'll send me home when i go to okay see you with a bag of food i'll get get back it's like Zatarans from like that's expired in 2019 I'm like what are you doing why are you giving me that you have a trash can like you don't need like can you slap it the fuck together yeah how did you get ultimately caught was it your girlfriend parents so it's that moment so so it was the moment where I was supposed to be going to the funeral they found all my stuff so basically I had gotten high.

This was the moment like we were talking about where like getting high didn't get me high.

Yeah, so

I knew I needed more later and they took it and they destroyed everything.

They took the TV that I was gonna pawn.

They took the money.

I had nothing.

So I just start losing it.

Raging.

I mean like true like tantrum rage.

Like at one point I stomped my foot so hard into the ground like a child like stomping my foot that I actually like gave myself like a bone bruise.

So like when I got to rehab a couple weeks later, I was like still like not walking right because I just like so angrily in the midst of all of that, this is like hours.

Like at one point they left and went to the funeral and came came back and I'm still like freaking out.

What were you doing when they were at the funeral?

Just smoking cigarettes looking for I yeah, just kind of stomping around.

Yeah.

Did you do the thing where you tear your room apart looking for the backup?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And then even there was like a time where I was on Suboxone and my girlfriend would watch me take it.

But then whenever she, I would try to dry my mouth out before because it's like little like, they're like Listerine strips.

Got it.

So then I would try to dry my mouth out before, put it in, have her see it, and then scrape it out and scrape it on the bottom of a shelf so that if I was ever sick, I could get it off.

And I was looking for that, and it was gone.

Like, I mean, wait, really?

So you had it where, like, you would just get it.

It was like that, yeah, like this.

Like, you'd put gum on the bottom of something.

I would wait for her, and then I would try to get it out.

You look back, I got all these Suboxan things and you go, oh my god, Dan.

And I was like, I don't want to tell you guys, I don't want to tell you that under this Arizona hat.

Suboxans and flat-brim hats do go pretty well together, by the way.

But you got to put a sticker on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So then, yeah, but eventually they came back.

I'm still raging.

At one point, I threatened to kill myself in like a pretty detailed way.

I said I would wrap a belt around my neck, and then I also threatened to kill my mom.

That's the one probably where they go, hey.

They go, come, you,

all right.

But like, so, but then once you, once.

Did you have that moment where they go, come on.

Hey, Matt, that's that's it.

Matthew.

Matthew.

I didn't mean to want to.

I didn't.

I didn't mean it literally, Mom.

I just want my heroin.

Yeah.

Why are you giving my heroin?

Just don't get why you won't give me

a real bitch right now.

You're about to use some heroin.

The private school in me comes out.

You guys are really being unreasonable right now.

You guys, I'm trying to use my words.

Yeah.

I've stomped my foot into a bone bruise.

Yeah.

But when you threaten to kill yourself, they can.

It's called the Baker Act in Oklahoma, but like 5150.

5150.

I actually had just started really calming down.

I remember I was sitting on my bed and I was like calming down, like the realization that I just wasn't going to get drugs happen.

And then I heard like the heavy boots and the belts walking through my house.

The radio talk.

Yeah.

And I said out loud, I was like, if the police are here, I'm going to run.

And I heard a voice from the other room go, where are you going to go?

And it was a cop.

Cause I'm in.

Were you saying that in your room?

Yeah.

If the cops are here, I'm going to run.

And he goes, I swear to God, if the cops are here, I'm going to freak out.

This could get fun.

Hey, radio, buddy.

Hey, buttercup, where are you going to run?

Yeah.

He goes, I'll fucking chase you down in these goddamn boots.

Uh-huh.

So, you did you just submit?

Yeah, I mean, immediately.

They were like, what's going on?

And I remember I was like, I'm addicted to heroin, and they took all my stuff.

And they were just like, all right, well, you're going to, you're going to have to come with us.

You said some stuff.

They're worried about you.

You know, and then they took me out.

I was handcuffed in the back of a police car.

It was crazy.

Like, it was.

And they took you to rehab?

They took me to a hospital where they do an assessment.

Then they took me to a psych ward on the south side of Oklahoma City, which was not a good place.

Yeah.

I was there for 24 hours, and then I got out.

And then, you know, I'm like, I'm never going to do that again.

I'm sorry.

My girlfriend picks me up.

I'm sorry, man.

You know, you do the whole thing.

And the crazy thing is, like, I meant it.

I mean, I was like, this is the worst consequence that I had had.

I had narrowly escaped many arrests and

all sorts of stuff.

It was crazy, but then I was like, I'm done.

And then, like, a day, like the next day, I was high.

That's what people don't understand about addictions.

You can have the right intentions every time you could be like i really do want to quit yeah but that motherfucker shows up and just goes like

quick one and you go quick one and then what's crazy is i don't know if like obviously much different heroin than alcohol but when i would quit alcohol and then i would when i would quit drinking and then i'd get drunk again it wasn't fun yeah i'd get drunk and immediately go like

The fun gets ruined.

Why did I do that?

By the time you're getting drunk again

or getting high again, like, oh, like, the fun has been over for a long time.

That's how it was.

So then, like, the next day, I, when I ended up, like, getting high, I was like, fuck.

Like, and then, like, a couple days later, my mom was like, would you go somewhere if we sent you?

And I was like, yeah, 100%.

And then that was it.

Yeah.

That's great.

How long has it been?

October will be nine years.

Fucking awesome.

It's been

awesome.

That's weird.

It's been a long time.

Yeah.

And when did you start doing stand-up?

Like six years ago.

Damn.

Yeah.

That's fucking.

So I started while I was sober living in Florida.

Smart way to go.

Yeah, because we met in South Beach.

Yeah.

Or Dania Beach.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, that's like.

So you moved to Florida after you got sober?

I went to rehab.

It's usually on drugs.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, there's an insanely large rehab community.

That's the unfortunate part of America.

Yeah.

Is that you realize the addiction is there to serve the other thing?

Yes, precisely.

So, I mean, there's a ton.

I went to a rehab in Texas in South Padre Island, which is actually very funny because the only time I'd been there before was for spring break.

Yeah, just getting like

destroyed.

That's so funny that all of our best rehabs are in like spring break cities.

You're like, come to Lake Havasu to clean up.

Yeah, because then they sent me from there to West Palm Beach, Florida.

So, yeah, and then that's how I ended up in Florida.

And then I just lived there for a while.

I would imagine a lot of beautiful women in the rehabs in Florida.

I can tell you this: when you're in rehab long enough, you don't give a shit how beautiful they are.

Yeah, everybody's beautiful.

That nurse that checks you in at first that you're like not even looking at 30 days in, you're like, damn, Megan's looking good.

Yeah, nurse Megan is thick as hell.

She's obese, she's thick as hell.

The doctor says I'm gonna have a heart attack if I keep eating candy.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

What are you doing later, Nurse Megan?

She goes,

You're squirrely, yeah,

you're crazy.

Yeah, my husband's a CO.

At At one point, when I was in rehab,

they took us out to get a haircut, and there were magazines there.

And I stole

a picture of a girl at the beach and ripped it out.

And that's how.

And then the other dudes are like, I heard you got that shit.

It's like being a bitch.

Drug behavior seeps into fucking pornography.

It's like, dude, I heard you got a Fredericks of Hollywood.

Yeah.

I'm looking to boot.

Well, you just got a pack of reds.

So let's

bet there's something like that.

Smoking and rehab's got to be.

Well,

that was the thing with me.

Like I said earlier, drugs were

smoking was an accessory for me.

So when I was sober, sober, smoking would just, the nicotine would just give me crippling anxiety and make me feel sick.

So I want to give me the rehab?

Just tell me I can smoke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, I mean,

I'm an anomaly in that way.

Most people, there are people who start smoking in rehab because you just want a thing.

Coffee.

Yeah.

Cigarettes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

my buddy got out of rehab he was smoking and i was like dude yeah yeah i get it let him have a thing i have my i do the pouches and shit like now like i do all that like you have you got to have a thing you got to have a thing it's dangerous not to have a thing you're in a rock tele didn't have a thing why and then we all found out what his thing was in two documentaries in two well-done youtube documentaries exactly exactly you find out yeah it's always i never whenever someone's like i never drank alcohol or i never did this i'm always like what fucked up thing there's

every human being has a shadow y'all got what is your shadow yeah if you're trying to hide your shadow it's probably much bigger than my shadow precisely i'm like my shadow is right here yeah

i want to yeah you just got to know it yeah i never trust people like i just never yeah it's never been my thing yeah it's like there are people i listen i'm not saying there aren't people like that yeah i'm saying they are a giant rarity yeah because everyone whenever usually someone goes don't even touch the stuff and then they're like but little boys underwear yeah i love to have casseroles of little boys underwear.

Casseroles.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Especially if they're stained with shit.

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.

Nom nom nom nom nom na.

It gives it a real, I mean, I understand.

Just the underwear.

Just not the boys.

I don't want their cum.

That's like the snorting pedophiles.

They have their thing where they go, I'm not gross.

I'm not going to fuck the kids.

I just want their little shoes.

Yes, exactly.

And then they go, all right, I get it.

Okay, I understand the cum and beyond these.

Everybody, all humans have that wiring.

And I think the thing with addictions is a lot of times you feel like you're the only one.

You're a failure.

No one else is like this.

Everyone else is like this.

Everybody's got it.

Everybody's like it.

And the best thing you can do for your life is figure that out.

Because if you figure that out.

I'm actually happy that mine was such a glaring thing because it for, I mean, and I'm true.

I'm honestly, and like, I mean, both of us are just like lucky to be alive at a certain point.

I mean, you more than me.

Yeah, I mean, especially with terror room.

Like, I know a lot of people who are, who, you know, die.

Yeah.

But it's also like, I mean, having gotten on the other side, it's like, I'm glad it was such a, it wasn't like a thing, like, I'm like in my late 40s and I go, oh, this is the thing that's been

great.

Like, you're the great part about life is even if you are in your late 40s, you can't figure it out that late.

Yes.

And then you can have an incredible 50s.

Like, people don't realize.

You can be in your 50s and have an incredible 60s.

You can be in your 60s.

If you get to 70, keep banging.

If you get to 70, you still have your thing.

Keep going.

Keep banging, dog.

Dude, if you're a 70-year-old heroin addict, I dude, that's awesome.

You are the Lou Gehrig of heroin.

You're Cal Ripken Jr.

of heroin.

Because we, I used to work at a rehab and there was an older adults unit, and they never got better.

Like almost never got better.

They taught new tricks, dude.

It's like their family just made them go, and it's like their 60-year-old kids made them, you know.

I'll give you the rule right now.

If you hit 70,

keep going.

100%.

And if you were sober and you hit 70, come back.

Hey, it depends how healthy you are at 70.

I'm looking at more 75 for myself.

That would be nice.

I think Katie and I agreed on 70.

That's good.

For cigarettes, that's fine.

Absolutely cigarettes.

Yeah, 100%.

For booze, I can maybe push it.

If you give me smokes, I'll give you an extra five years before I'm back on the booze.

Yeah, yeah.

See,

you start walking.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what people, because people ask me all the time when they know I was like a heroin act.

They're like, but you don't like drink or do anything.

And I'm like, it's only a matter of time.

if I if I start dabbling oh my god dude I eventually I want that sweet sweet warmth dude Katie will get it we'll be at a place and I'll be like it's getting me and she'll be like you want we got to leave I'm like we gotta leave yeah I'll just be at a bar and I'll be like I'm about to I could just you you start like like tasting it you're like oh oh room temperature Jameson oh backed by a cold Budweiser yeah in a bottle and sweating

And then you're like, I got to get the fuck out of here.

I went to a place with, I was in Cleveland and we were trying to get, after hilarities.

I was trying to get a late night bottle, a bite to eat.

And I was with Ramon Rivas, who's from there.

And he took me to this like really cool, out-of-the-way spot.

And the bartenders are also the cooks.

And they were busy.

And we were just like sitting at the bar for so long that I was like, let's go get McDonald's.

Like, that's healthier for me at this point.

Yeah.

I want to drink very fucking bad right now.

But the thing that always helps me out is when you realize everyone, like when I talk to you about that, I'm like, oh, I don't.

Like, you think you have a problem?

And you talk to people that have problems and you go like, all right.

it's all, it's all relevant.

Well, yeah, it's all like, it's all because, like, I even,

when I first got sober and, like, was in rehab, I'm hearing the craziest shit.

And I was just like, do I, maybe I don't even have a problem.

I, having just like, I mean, been an IV heroin user for like, like, two years, was like, maybe I don't have a problem.

It's like, it's really crazy.

This guy robbed a bank.

Yeah, I didn't even do anything.

So I threatened to kill my mom.

I was kind of, I was just having a bad day.

Yeah.

You've never done that.

Yeah, like you guys haven't done that.

You've never done that.

Yeah.

I, um, my favorite story ever was my, my aunt who passed away, but my aunt was a, you know, big drug user, but she was a teenager and then into her adult life.

And then she got sober later, but she took acid in her room.

This is in like

the late 60s.

The best time to do acid Abbey.

And she did in San Francisco or in the Bay Area.

Awesome.

And she did like a lot of acid and didn't tell my grandma and then went out in the living room and watched TV with my grandma.

And then she was like, my grandma's like conservative.

She's like, she's from Oklahoma.

She's from Muscogee.

Oh.

She's like looking at my grandma and she's like, there's snakes in your hair.

My grandma had white.

My grandma had the stereotypical cotton-headed, like puffy, like white grandma hair.

And my aunt, when she was telling me the story, she was like, motherfucking snakes were just like,

like back into her hair.

And she's like, oh,

oh, you got snakes in your hair.

And my grandma was like, What, Karen?

She's like, You got fucking snakes in your hair.

And then she took my aunt to a menstal institution.

She was like, Yo, you're mentally insane because it sounded like she was crazy.

I mean, of course.

And she was conservative.

She didn't know about LSD and Ken Kessie and fucking like by then it was like hitting teenagers.

Like teenagers are doing acid.

But my grandmother had my aunt committed for like three days.

And I asked my aunt, I was like, How was that?

And she goes, First day ruled because I'm still on acid.

so you're in a ward and people are like the aliens took me and my aunt was like yeah

they might

have and then by the third day she's like man y'all are crazy and she had to call my grandma and go i was on drugs please come get me and like my grandma had to like go bail her out but i think that that's like you go to a rehab or something like that and you're like this is cool whoa this is way more intense yeah you get there and it's all like it's all like like like free food and like smoking cigarettes and then you watch like a grown grown man cry about his dad and you go, yeah.

This is going to get real.

This is going to get intense, huh?

Yeah.

You start looking at the end of your styrofoam cup.

Yeah.

A little more juice.

Yeah.

He's going to fucking stink.

I might need more coffee for this.

Check out Matt.

He's fucking hilarious.

He might be on the roads with me.

You see me live.

So there's a reason to go to danceover.com.

But go to Matt Ross Comedy on.

Yeah, Matt Ross Comic on Instagram.

It's got all my dates, all my videos.

Go follow him.

He's hilarious.

At Matt Ross Comic on Instagram.

Go follow him.

He's hilarious.

And thank you for listening.

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