102: Skynet is Here with Geoffrey Asmus | Soder Podcast | EP 100

The Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour.

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October 16th, the Bijou Theater in Knoxville, Tennessee.

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The AI thing is, have you seen the

AI actress that they're saying?

That's what I was just reading about.

Yeah, that's that.

The AI actress.

Actors have to be.

You thought comics were mad about AI?

About like chat GBT writing jokes?

Yeah.

Imagine when they just go, we don't need you to be on set.

It's going to happen.

Yeah.

The last five years.

SAG After is like fighting them.

They're like, no, no, no.

And then the guy, I think the funniest part of the article I read about the AI actress was the guy that created her was calling her art or whatever.

You know, he's like, oh, they all, Timbaland's signing AI music.

Yeah.

Timbaland's signing a bunch of AI artists.

And they're, and he went,

he went, um, it's art, it's art.

And then after he went, you know, I'm an actor.

The guy that made

it to spurt, get his

most actor move in the world is to betray humans.

I'm the guy who made humans obsolete.

Yeah.

But I can act.

Do you want me to give a little soliloquy?

Yeah, me and her are a great two-man team.

She comes with me.

Like, he's the guy they're going to first cut out where he was like, no, but I did this so so I could be.

I mean, the AI shit.

Yeah.

It's AI.

I don't use it.

I hate it.

It makes me sad.

Yeah, it really.

We're not rolling now, are we?

Yeah, we're rolling.

We're rolling.

Oh, we're talking about it.

We're rolling.

Okay, okay.

This will be used against us when the robots are.

Right, I know.

I don't want to speak ill of them because

they're for us.

Me and you will be in a work camp.

I mean, Peter Thiel, you're listening, I know.

So

I bet you're real wet and slick.

The guy who, you know, he named the company Palantir after the evil things in Lord of the Rings.

That's what man.

A man who reads

the...

No, they were the seeing stones that Sauron could see through.

The guy who read Lord of the Rings is like rooting for Mordor.

That's true.

That's the people who control our world.

I identify with Sauron.

He goes, I think that guy.

He talks like Vincent D'Onofrio and Men in Black, where he's like,

he's like a bug.

A man on the edge.

You cut him open and a big bug came out.

Like a giant bug.

He's a reptilian.

Yeah, he's a reptilian.

there's just one clip i'm talking about and you can find oh the one where he says like i don't know if humans need to exist yeah yeah that's like the easiest one where he goes do you think humans should exist he's like

that's a tough one

he's like trying to go against his master's orders like oh i can't you almost expect him to be talking to someone else being like they asked these questions master what do i do and then they're like oh give him the rights to everything he's creating like oh they're doing the ai's taking over everything.

All Palantir is, is Skynet.

Yes.

If you think about it in terms of Skynet, there's zero chance you can root for this guy.

But people are.

Unless you cheered for the machine in Terminator.

Right.

It just proves that art has no power.

Yeah.

We predicted all of this, and everyone's like, let's let it happen.

Let's ride it out.

Let's see what happens.

I'm going to go my way.

Yeah, yeah, no, Skynet won't happen.

No, no, no.

It was a good movie.

It was a good movie.

Yeah, I don't know.

Is Arnold here?

Yeah.

Are they going to make another Arnold?

I could do it.

I've heard comics using Chad GPT.

I'm not going to name it.

I've heard people use it.

And I think they should be ashamed of themselves.

I think they should too.

I think I might have privately tried to shame some people.

Really?

And

they stood by it.

They're like, no, robots have a place in creativity.

I don't.

They always do.

It's the convenience argument is what's going to ruin humanity in general.

Yes.

It's just convenience.

It's just easy.

It's like if we found out the dinosaurs died because of convenience, that there was no meteor.

Dinosaurs just had too many data centers.

Yeah.

Just one cat.

T-Rats hoarded too much meat.

And then everyone else, if we found out that it was convenient.

They forgot how to hunt because they were having robots do it for them.

Or whatever.

They grow fat.

I mean, Wally's, it's just Wally.

It's Wally might be the movie that predicted it correctly.

Wally got it right.

Wally, we all want it to be Terminator because we all want it to be Matrix or Terminator because the humans are hot.

Right.

There's like a war and we at least fight back.

But they're greased up on their jacked arms and they're like shooting shit.

And

we win battles in that

in cool ways.

But in reality, we're just fat guys sitting on a couch watching the 19th Hulk remake.

They're just like, we need to redo it again.

Man, you opened it.

I went to the door and sent four Boston dynamic dogs in here with guns.

Oh, God, those dogs.

I'm fucked.

Those dogs are coming in like, shreep, sheep, sheep, shreep.

And I'm just like,

I'm not going to do anything.

Do you think Myrtle's going to do anything?

Why do you think we had to lock her up?

Because she gives too many kisses.

That's not over here, bite.

It's crazy you brought up four dogs because I almost got mauled by four dogs this summer.

Really?

I like almost died when four Dobermans attacked me this summer.

Well, you go on hikes and shit.

Yeah, it was in rural Wisconsin.

Yeah, my girlfriend's family got an Airbnb at like kind of a cabin near beautiful Mouston, Wisconsin.

And I went on a run.

See you, Mouston?

Mouston, great town.

Five bars, one school.

Yeah.

Hey, that's a feeder system.

That's a feeder system, exactly.

You get down to the school, you go right to the bar.

Right to the bar.

That's kind of like what they do.

It works it works honestly it's it is renewable energy it is because then they have kids and then they gotta go to school because they blacked out and they fucked without all drink like they served in vietnam every age a 17 year old's drinking to forget already with and with

crazy what's fun about wisconsin is uh because you're from minnesota and that whole area the midwest is that candy coated shell of you guys being nice oh it's not

so quickly with alcohol oh my gosh all right with skin color yeah

But you become, you guys become, you go from like, oh, hey, to being like, I think you should leave.

We need to get the Somalis out of here.

Why are they running all the stores?

And you go, I don't know.

I think Elon Omar married her brother.

You go, well, you didn't want to do it.

And they're like, well, no, I want convenience.

Dude, the convenience epidemic.

Oh, wait,

I wanted to finish the story about the mauling.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, the Ford Off.

I was running.

I went on a run on like a rural country highway, county highway.

I was running by some mobile homes, and like four Dobermans come out.

They start barking, and I'm like, whatever.

Then they start running at me, and I'm like, whatever.

Certainly a guy will pop out and like whistle or something.

Then they hit the highway.

They're like 10 feet away.

And I'm like, oh, no, I'm like an enemy.

And they're trying to eliminate me.

And those are dogs that eliminate enemies.

Those are, and I, one, maybe I could tangle four.

I'm done.

No.

I can't fight for it.

Well, the thing would be the second you turned around to deal with the first dog.

Another one gets me by the neck.

And it's all.

They hunt and pack.

Biologically, they know what to do.

They knew exactly what to do.

They didn't have to sit around and draw it up in the dirt where they go, all right, we get them on the highway.

They saw a weak little soy boy.

They knew I was at the end of my five-mile run.

I don't even think you're telling the full story.

I think you yelled something liberal at them.

Come get it, bitch.

No, you went like, I think

people under 18 should be allowed trans surgery.

And they're like,

and they ran and you're like, You're going to want to get my pronouns right

before you eat me.

Eat him.

Yeah.

And, or you could have been.

Was or was were.

Those are my new pronouns.

With which, at what moment, was it the highway where you started?

When they got on the road, I was on the opposite side of the highway.

I was like, oh, this,

no one's coming out.

No one was there.

No one was going to stop them.

And then I just bolted.

I sprinted for like a half a mile till they finally turned.

They were within a foot away from getting me.

If I would have flipped, I probably would have died.

You were crazy.

Scouts?

Yeah.

You guys need a kick returner?

Yeah.

Come over to him.

Vikings.

Yeah, come under Television.

We got JJ.

I could take over.

Come on.

Or just you on punt return.

Yeah.

Did they just put a dog?

They just pipe in dog noises behind me.

I got to start running.

That's Jeffrey the Delberman Ashus.

I don't know if you've ever seen this.

It gets daylight.

He thinks four dogs are chasing him.

That guy is going to break into the house.

I would break every single.

When I got back, yeah.

I mean, eventually they turned around.

They kind of just gave up after about half a mile.

Good job.

I don't know if you'll ever publish it.

If I hadn't been in good, decent shape, I would have died.

I would have been.

It was crazy.

A lot of comics would have been dead.

And it would have been good.

It would have been a good moment.

Are you saying that could have fit the herd a little bit?

Are you saying that's the new new faces?

Is that Dobermans?

If you can outrun four Dobermans, you deserve to go to Montreal.

Hey, congratulate.

They're in a van, like, hey, congratulations on that clip, hitting 2 million.

And they go, great.

Where are we going?

He goes, just real quick, this is from the...

We're going to Mouston.

Yeah.

This is Mouston.

What's going on?

Mouston?

What?

Now run.

Run.

Tim Dylan didn't make it.

Actually, he talked the Dobermans down.

He actually would talk them down.

I'll take you to the Hamptons.

I'll take you to the Hamptons.

Oh, and you've never had Fogua.

Stop looking at me like you've never had.

Sit, sit.

You sit.

You're eating cold pheasant.

You're eating cold pheasant every day.

What are you talking about?

I bet you're getting kibble.

Okay.

Now we're talking different.

He's like, how about I get you duck?

You're going to come with me.

Tim walks, and they're all walking in a line.

Tim, like the reservoir dogs down the hallway.

You're going to fuck some of the hottest corgis you've ever seen.

I got you.

I'm going to be feeding you.

Did you ever want to meet J.D.

Vance?

The dog's like, I don't know.

Do you want to inseminate one of the Queen's corgis?

I got you.

I'll get you a royal corgi.

I'd actually watch that adventure movie.

Mm-hmm.

Tim Dylan and Adoberman going to the bottom.

Trying to fuck impregnate the royals.

Yeah, that'd be funny.

Were they cloned?

Who cloned their dogs?

Streisan?

Did they clone?

I don't know.

I don't know about that.

I think Barbara Streisand cloned her dog.

Are they able to clone things?

I don't really.

I don't know about that.

You know what?

You know what?

Another thing, why why just buy a dog make a relationship so many orphaned dogs get one of them make a relationship with a new dog yeah why does you know what i think about that it's like um when you think oh she cloned her dead dog because she wasn't over it yeah it was just like that's just let life happen come on let life happen

it was what kind of dog did she reincarnate that's one of those people i don't know why she's famous yeah i actually

know what she did that was so she's talented she She could sing.

But like, I don't know any of the music.

I never heard it.

If you watch it, Jay was raised by a Jewish single mom, so he would show me Barbara Streisand.

Really?

And that was my first thing.

And she does have a voice like

okay.

Oh, they just, oh, it's just like one of those.

Oh, just a Russian nesting doll of little.

It's just like a little.

By the way, those dogs, no offense, Babs.

That's not a one-of-a-kind dog.

This is a diamond dog.

This is a dog I see everywhere.

I can go find these in a five-block radius in New York City.

Give me 30.

I'll be back with six.

Yeah, there's so many in Soho and Chelsea.

Come on.

Squeaky dogs?

Yeah, that ain't it.

No.

Influencers are cloning their dogs.

That's one of those things.

It's not the same.

We should let them do it, and then when they get the dog, they should be shot.

Yeah.

You can be like, you thought this was a good idea?

You're out of the gene.

Christy Noam shows up and kills the dog.

She goes,

this is a known to work.

There we go.

I like that.

That's in the title of her contract that she didn't see.

I want to shoot a dog.

You have to shoot a dog every month.

I just wanted to connect brown people.

I don't want to shoot dogs.

I did that so long ago.

I don't got my dog killing energy anymore.

I think cloning a dog, it should have like pet cemetery rules where like the next one's evil.

They come back.

Yes, yes.

You never know what you're going to get.

Because they're not asleep.

You disrupted their soul.

You should let their soul pass.

Yes, you fucked with God's plan.

It's not the process.

Now it will viciously attack you every time you try to rest or sleep.

Or it'll try to bite your cock off while you're sleeping.

You're like, oh my God, it's like, hey, it thinks there's always peanut butter on your penis.

That's just weird that

he always sees it.

Peanut butter everywhere.

But even if the first time they brought the cloned dog home, I would be like,

when she'd be like, we buried you.

Yeah.

Move on.

I mean, I had a dog.

I loved her.

We're moving on.

We're not going to get another beef.

I was very sad when all the dogs I had growing up died.

When Yizzy died, I was eight.

I was shook.

That's like a five-year-old's dream.

Let's clone it.

Yeah.

That's not what adults think.

your parents aren't gonna get back together your parents are dead you didn't clone your parents but you cloned your dog dormis rice and parents are dead she thought but ah we're gonna clone the cocker spaniel first i'm wondering if i would i wouldn't i wouldn't want to see my dad back oh no no no when my parents are gone they're gone they're gone we had a good run it's a part of life let it go this is why shows don't end right because every we got the the paper coming why are we doing it we don't need the paper come on it was a great show it was we just had it it's like when they bring stuff back it's like when they brought Roseanne back.

It was like,

it's too, not only, I'm not talking about her tweets.

Who gives a shit?

I'm talking about the show in general.

I'm talking about specifically, they own this.

Once when Saint-Germain and I sold the cartoon to Peacock, that was someone else's IP.

It was like owned by the WWE.

It was Stone Cold.

So we didn't own the intellectual property.

That's a nightmare.

People control that shit.

Because they can change whatever you do.

But they go

branding and give me money.

You want to use it?

Give me money.

And no, I don't like the thing you're making.

So they can just control every aspect of it.

It's just for the merchandising.

That's why they do IP and stuff.

Yeah, it's gross.

Another Superman.

Do we really need another Superman?

Yeah, I don't know.

Dude, another Batman, them resetting stuff.

They got a new Simpsons movie, and I'm the biggest Simpsons fan on Earth.

We don't need it.

You know what it is?

It's over.

Simpsons feels like going to a family member's house where you don't know their dog's still alive.

Yes.

And you go, oh, no, no.

Oh, look at his buster still going.

Look at his white, milky eyed.

Or it's like your grandma who still plays organ at church.

She's 95.

She's fucking up on eagle's wings.

Someone's like,

you don't even get hallelujah right anymore, grandma.

Come on.

We have to point for you to start.

Yeah.

You're not even listening.

You got to know when to quit.

But they don't.

With IP, they like just like, Simpsons, stop.

Yeah.

I mean, The Simpsons is my golden.

That's what I've got.

Four through 11.

I'd go to 15.

I think they were good till 15 maybe

i think the fumes go every once in a while they have a good episode i'll watch it every once in a while they'll have like two great jokes an episode obviously but they went too they went too modern with the animation yeah

it's too slick slick and smooth in the wood supposed to look like a child drew it that's the point that's why south park still hits south park never really improved yeah Even when they got good, I remember when it was, it's when they got really good at showing violence.

When the heads would blow off and the brains would come out or they would show fights and it would like see the cheek.

They still kept their crude animation

for most of the parts.

It's awesome.

And they've been on fire this season.

I haven't seen it, but everyone's been raving about it.

Is it good?

Is it good?

Oh, my God.

I didn't want to believe that.

They do a Broflovsky Israel episode.

Oh, really?

Okay.

Come on.

I'm a little hard, right?

Okay.

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Did you do it?

Did you beat me?

Cha-ching.

That's the sound of the the money makes

guys everyone's banking online.

No one's you know I know they said cash is king, but I think that might have maybe they meant cash app is king because that's what it is.

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a Block Incorporated brand.

Visit cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures it's when stavros was on the podcast he called me a south park libertarian and i've never agreed with something more that's not a bad that's not a bad political party i do think that's how i politically affiliate and they're not because they're not regular libertarians they're different they're libertarians are like well they're republicans libertarians are republicans right right yeah exactly what i like is that Trey and Matt, they really do like see the bullshit of both Republicans and Democrats.

That's what you want.

Yeah.

If you want a party that goes, these two suck.

Can we get a new one?

Can we get a new one?

Maybe a new one.

Six.

So we have any

like Canada has, Sweden, UK, all parts.

Pretty much every first world country.

Every first world country.

Get like seven guys and then they have to run on policy.

Right.

Because they can't like.

They get to the ad hominem, like blue is bad, red is bad.

Yeah, it's just too like,

you need like, you need context.

Right.

You need context for people to go, I don't know, man.

I think that's kind of crazy.

But it is.

It's convenience.

That's why this political system, the political system is what it is.

Straight up because of convenience.

People are just like, I voted red my whole life.

I ain't going to stop nah.

Red, blue.

Red, blue, red, blue.

Red, blue.

It's crazy.

Red or blue.

And like, George Washington

said, don't have parties.

That was like his big thing.

When he died, he's like, don't do political parties.

And then we did it immediately.

And they were like, don't make the president too big of a deal.

Right.

He should just be a guy that serves.

The whole point of of America was that the president had almost no power and they were like we want you to be king he's like we just fought that and then they're like no no no and he's like I'll be president but don't take it too seriously and then 250 years ago

what about a king though

what about a king have we thought about a king around I think we're gonna get the gold in the White House that was one of the funniest things where I am

one of those moments that something's funny that when you try to get someone who is into Trump to laugh about it when they don't laugh about that it's kind of a bummer it's the same way when liberals wouldn't laugh about how old Biden is.

Yeah.

We go, come on.

When he was like, when he's lingering on, he's clearly had dementia.

That was sad.

That, like, that debate when I couldn't get some of my friends that are very liberal to be like, ah, he just didn't, he didn't nap long enough beforehand.

Oh, he had a bad tea.

He had a bad tea.

But they're like making excuses the way that like

fans of sports, when like a guy has a bad outing, where they go, it's not the drug use.

He's fine.

It's not being 83 and overworked and been in politics for 50 straight years.

Oh, no, no.

Pandering to the fucking light.

His lighting was bad.

It was overhead lighting.

You can't deal with overhead lighting.

It's his weakness.

And that's what I feel like when Trump does something and you want your friends on the right to go, okay, that's hilariously crazy.

Right.

It was when he was like, I don't know.

Maybe we joined the UK.

And you're like, did he say that?

I can't even keep up with everything.

At the very beginning of this term.

Jesus.

When he was tossing around

as the 51st goal.

He's like, maybe we go back.

He's like, maybe we joined the UK because they were going to do the tariffs.

And you're like, as someone that pays surface-level attention to politics, that was just funny.

As a comic, you're like, that's funny.

And then you say, I think the problem is that you're going to be able to do it.

You would hope that everyone finds it funny.

Some people are like, Ducks are a pretty good idea.

Yeah.

Or Ducks are helped the occurrence.

What sucks about the internet is you can find someone to agree with you on anything.

Yeah.

And that's not how society works.

You have to be able to.

You used to be like a little loser in fucking Albany and you're the one white supremacist in town.

And now you've got your little network on there.

That's what I mean.

You have to hook up with all these guys who also think the moon is flat or whatever.

And then you're just, you should have to be alone.

I think, or make a point.

Or go into a bar and be like, I don't know, I kind of think this way.

And someone could go, I see where you're coming from.

And then someone massages you.

You should have to go into a crowded bar and convince people to agree with you.

You can't do that in like Mousten, Wisconsin.

You don't believe in it.

Not these 20-to-one gangbang arguments.

Oh, those Jubilee videos.

Yeah, it's just gangbang.

I don't get that.

It's gangbang.

It's a gangbang.

Everything is porn culture, but it's not allowed to be porn.

It's just it's all porn without the fucking.

Yes.

That's all it is.

I was trying to do this as a bit, but it really wasn't working because I don't think people were understanding what I was saying, but it works.

I don't know if Jubilee is as popular for a stand-up bit, but I think on here, yeah, that's what I mean.

Like, if you understand.

But I was saying that.

It is a climax.

It's gooning.

It's gooning at its highest form.

I'm just going to like, oh, yeah, are you going to fucking argue with her?

Oh, yeah, you hate white people too.

Oh, fucking say it.

Say what I want to say.

Say the statistics and then fucking say that.

And I'll say other statistics that go against yours and will accomplish nothing.

Rub your statistics up against my statistics.

Oh fuck I knew that we'll make a lot from monetization.

We'll make thousands of dollars.

It's the same with

the

helping videos.

Oh, like

telling you how to do something on Adobe Premiere or something they're teaching you.

No, you mean like woodworking?

It's like the glasses that film.

Oh, I like that.

And it's like that.

And they, oh, it'll cross your algorithm.

Now that I've said it in the microphones, it'll cross your algorithm.

Wait, there's glasses that film.

I'm really anti-tech.

I don't know the new tech.

So they walk up on someone, and it's usually someone down and out, like a homeless person.

And they'll be like,

hey, do you have a dollar?

And they always score it with sad music.

Like, yeah.

They ask the homeless guy if he has a dollar.

And he'll be like, yeah, man, I got a dollar.

He's like, sorry.

Or they'll walk up with something like, my car broke down.

I really need a dollar.

I'm missing a dollar.

And then I can,

you know what I mean?

Uh-huh.

And they'll go, well, hell, brother, I got a dollar.

And they're like, what are you doing?

He's like, I lost my leg to diabetes.

I'm trying to get my lights not turned off.

And the guy will go, thank you for that dollar.

Here's $100,000.

And I'm going to go pay your light bill.

And he's like, what do you mean?

Dude, these are real things.

Do they actually give him $100,000?

They'll give him a fucking bag of money.

And then they like, there's one I saw where the guy gives the guy a truck.

He's like, well i walk to work and he's like i don't think you walk to work anymore i think you take a truck and you're like this is kindness porn yes this is a hundred percent because they're they're monetizing it they're making more money to do it i guess but they're these this pizza delivery guy is not fucking this housewife these are two porn actors on a set with lighting and a direct this guy probably didn't serve in vietnam no this guy probably didn't probably a guy where he gets up and he's like no do you think the next time

he's a failed actor he had won the episode of growing Pains in the 80s, and he's just been looking at him.

He's looking at him in Montana, and he's like, She was a bitch.

I played the shopkeep in an episode, and he goes, I could have fucked her.

Yeah.

I could have fucked her.

I'm pretty sure Billy Ray wanted to fuck me.

But

then they go and they do these like fucking.

So it's like Mr.

Beast-esque.

Okay.

Because he does it more like built-up.

He's born.

I get told I look like him all the time.

You look like his.

I get told all that.

Mr.

Beast does comedy all the time.

You look like his brother

that doesn't speak to him.

Yeah.

And he.

Me and Beast don't speak anymore.

My name's Jeffrey Beast.

I no longer talk to my brother.

What's his name?

I don't even know what his name is, actually.

I have no idea what he is.

My name is Jeffrey Beast.

We had a falling out after he tried to fix 100 cleft lips in an hour.

I said that was too far.

I said, no, let them be marked.

No one will watch that.

Mark them by God.

If God makes them blind.

Yes, it's beauty.

You should have fixed God's blemishes.

God never makes a mistake.

What can I say?

I don't talk to my brother because he locked me in a house for 100 days.

Didn't he just do that?

Lock a guy in a burning house or something for half a million dollars?

Oh, he had to pull the money out.

Dude, when you watch the video, he's going in and pulling money out and you go, late stage capitalism might be.

We'll do anything for money.

It's the most entertaining thing.

It is.

The fall is entertaining, no doubt.

I understand that with our fall of society, when we're dead, Pat and Oswald used to have a great joke about dying at the end of the world is cool.

Because when you go to heaven, you get to brag to everyone else.

I was there.

I was there.

Fire was shooting out his head.

I'm pretty sure that's an old Patton dying.

That's great.

But it does make me think of like, it is our collapse of our society of like seeing Romans and being like...

You know, I was like, what would I have done as Rome was burning?

You would have been in the volume.

I thought I was doing the Omaha funny bone.

That's what I would have been doing.

You would have been doing like the

Venetian

speaking circle.

Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

Yeah, I'd be the guy, the comedian at the orgy.

Yeah, Sean Murphy and I went and saw, we were at the Pittsburgh Improv where you went.

Oh, there we go.

So we walked across to that movie theater at the Pittsburgh Improv and we watched Gladiator 2.

Oh,

it was like any good?

No.

It was horrible.

No way.

But there's this scene where they're like Denzel and everybody who's like with all the people that bet on the fighters.

You know what I mean?

Oh, they were into DraftKings back then.

So they were deep.

It's Caesar's Palace.

Yeah.

Get the right damage.

God, that was a better riff.

Cut it up.

We're here to punch out.

Cut it up.

Switch it up.

Damn it.

So we go, there's a part in the movie where they're all talking, and then there's these like, I might have brought this part up before on a previous episode.

I did.

But there's like, I just want to tell Jeff it.

So I'm sorry, listeners, if you remember this, but Jeff needs to hear this.

Come on, let me know.

I need to learn.

But there's a scene where there's these like two gay guys covered in glitter and they're playing.

Oh, the woke mob got the gladiator too also but they're playing harps and they're like and the king and the sparrow or whatever and sean and i were both like that's comedians in rome that is that's what they did we were minstrels yeah we all had to know how to play the ukulele or the mandolin and just be like and the story of the king and king charles your enemy is a big queer man and he sucks i heard he doesn't like pussy I heard your cock is big, my king, and I'd love to see it one day.

We're close to getting back there.

Oh, there's

doing UFC at the White House.

It's the same thing.

It's the same thing.

Late-stage capitalism is great.

It's all the same.

But here's the deal.

You guys can be like, oh, my God.

There will be a hype video that will make you feel something.

For the fight?

For the

when they get the octagon set in the ring, I'm telling you right now, they're going to make a hype video.

Let Pelosi fight McConnell.

I'm in.

That's what they got to do.

Do you want to fucking get me to buy the ticket?

You're going to turn us into like this bizarre, like

Chillis Hellfest.

I don't care about the actual UFC fighters.

Get AOC against Pete Hegseth or something.

I mean, Hegseth would ruin her.

Hegset would ruin her.

That would be a terrible fight.

I wouldn't mind seeing

Marjorie Taylor Greene versus AOC.

That's a better fight.

That's a much better fight.

I mean, Iman versus Bobert.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Ilan against Bobert.

There we go.

I would love it.

I would be good.

I think we could make this match card all dead.

This could be good.

I'm thinking Gavin Newsome against...

He could go.

I don't know.

He's not that strong.

I think maybe Newsome, unless he's really doing BJJ.

I think he's fairly weak.

I hate to say it.

I don't think he's a really strong.

I think, you know, who would surprise us is Budig.

Budigig, I think, would have a little bit.

Fetterman, too.

He wouldn't remember.

No, he's got CTE.

But that's fine.

He'll just fight.

I don't know if you've ever seen him.

He walks around like...

Oh, he's not there anymore.

He's drooling everywhere.

It would be a good thing.

But he could fight.

I think he could get the fight instant.

You just put a black person in front of him.

He'll try to attack him.

I think he's like Hodor.

I think he's like a one more thing left in him.

I think, but I would love to see a Pelosi.

Who's an old lady on the other side?

Yeah.

I already could go in party fighting

Pelosi Feinstein.

Oh, that'd be great.

No, Feinstein died.

Well, Pelosi wins.

There we go.

She died like a year ago.

Yeah, yeah, she did.

That's how you know.

She's old as shit.

Here's a point.

She was embarrassing.

She was like,

she's not going to make the vote tonight.

San Francisco, she's representing you.

Yeah.

One of the most liberal cities in the

oldest lady of all time.

She's like, I've got a dangerous idea.

We're not the homeless.

Loose.

We cut the Irish out.

The old racism.

I'll tell you who I don't like.

Those WAPs are.

These Protestants are bothering me.

Do you...

I think the problem is Gen X didn't step up.

Gen X is a forgotten generation.

They coasted.

They coasted off of a pretty good ride.

The hippies did a good job getting some rights in the 60s.

They should be.

Gen X coasted.

right now.

It should be.

What is Jed X, like 40 to 60, maybe?

It's something to, I think, 81.

Oh, so it's born in the 80s.

Oh, 68 to 81.

68 to 81.

Okay, so they'd be about

65 to 80.

Okay, so they'd be about 60 years old.

Yeah, we've got

45 to 60.

Yeah, we haven't had.

I've had this point before because I believe it.

Yeah, well, who's a big politician in the 45 to 60 range?

Ted Cruz?

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, I'd like to see him fight.

Oh, who knew he matched with the game?

Is that Newsome?

I'm going to Newsome.

Yeah, I think he could win.

I think Newsome could.

Did you ever see that one where Cruz played basketball and fucking balled out?

God, can he?

Yeah, I think he's a good one.

I'd love to see that.

What about Beto?

Maybe Beto could get in there, hit him with a skateboard.

Beto, Beto.

I think he's got a little punk rock energy, though.

Maybe.

He's a loser.

He is a loser.

He can't win.

You're going to get him there.

He's not going to win.

That is.

They should do the UFC card.

We would all enjoy that.

I don't think there would be an American.

You want to pass the budget?

Win in the fight.

Who wins the card?

It's like Ryder Cup for like that.

It's like match play.

It's like you gotta.

Dude, you want to get your bridge built in Michigan?

Win a fight.

Go, local fight.

Fucking fight.

Let's go.

You know, this pork barrel shit.

Can you suffocate the rival state senator?

Fuck your filibuster.

I don't care if you could talk for 36 hours.

Cut off their windpipe.

Oh my God, dude.

The idea of MTG going, release the upstream files when someone's going to be able to do it.

That would be awesome.

On Matt Gates or something.

He goes, I should do so much CrossFit.

She's like, come back and release the files.

Redact them all.

And unredact them.

And he's like, get all out.

No, no, that wouldn't wash that.

If you're going to take politics and turn it into sports, go all the way.

Go the way.

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First year, this is the first year Gen X outnumbers make our money.

In the Senate or whatever?

Oh, the House of Representatives.

All right.

The tide is turning.

Not bad.

You guys talked a lot of shit in the 90s.

Yeah.

They made great music, but they kind of dropped the ball on social values.

I don't know, man.

The music is...

That might have been it.

It says baby boobers are 61% of the Senate.

Oh, baby boobers.

The Senate, too, which is the important one.

No offense.

House of of Representatives is kind of.

You know what's funny is you watch people in the House of Representatives blow up their shit to get a Senate seat.

Where they'll be there and they'll go.

They have to throw the other guy in from Kansas under the bus.

They're like, oh, I saw him talk to a gay guy once.

You're not going to want him as your senator.

There you go.

For a Senate?

Yeah.

Anything.

Or

Democrats will be like, you used the N-word once.

I'm stepping forward.

Not me.

I've never used it.

Never even in a rat song.

Yeah, dude.

But I think maybe we get AI politicians.

You know,

if we're not going to get good human ones, I guess keep Zoron and then AI only otherwise.

Or what if Zoron is a robot?

Is anyone work that?

That's the robot future I'm in.

How is that?

We're all in on Zoron.

Here's what sucks about because the right drives home points better than the left.

They're way better at propaganda.

They're way better at it.

Well, the left comes up with something.

And then they go, I don't know if I could do that.

And then the right goes, I'm going to take that.

The left has like 1% of integrity they're like ah maybe not in the right side we'll do it just enough to lose just enough to lose just enough to lose over there two percent integrity that's it the right how are they not calling momdani ai already they uh well that i mean they're still going through the race stuff okay they're not going to get to robot for a while they got religion race immigrant they're not he's brown and his religion i don't i don't what did eric adams call him momscrani that's great that was not bad that

trump says there are two n-words and you can't use either of them.

He said nuclear.

Nuclear.

Nuclear.

That's what he said the other one is.

Nuclear and the other.

And I say it.

Why can't you say nuclear?

Because he was talking, this is when he was addressing the generals.

Oh,

you can't use nuclear weapons.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

It's at this point right now where I'm like.

Was that the big meeting today with the generals?

I didn't read about that.

God, you can't keep up.

You can't keep up with it all.

Well, it's almost like.

It's almost pointless.

This is what happens when you get an influencer brain in the White House where it's just like, I remember not hearing from the president until the state of the union.

Right.

Every year you're like, oh, once a year.

What's he going to sound like?

Yeah.

And now you're like, every day.

Well, he's campaigning every day.

But it's been that way since social media.

Probably.

Obama.

People want to.

They lovingly go like, Obama's the first social media president.

And you go, well, it changed.

He was the guy giving us his iPod playlist.

He's like, I put Lil Wayne on this year.

Okay,

Maybe you DM me.

Maybe you'll forgive me for bombing a Pakistani wedding.

I like

the beat bill off the Carter III.

I was listening to Cash Money as I was droning Yemen.

Because you're going to need some cash money to drone Yemen.

He goes, because those planes, those little tiny planes, they ain't free.

They ain't cheap.

Cash money is an army.

It's a Navy.

Now it's got drones.

Obama just made like

drone them.

Drone them.

The thing that I, the, um, the like everyone getting super into politics now feels like when everybody got into something that we shouldn't get into.

Where you're like, it was like kale.

Where it was like, kale was good when it was only for hippie people that were like in it, and then it got like shoved down our throats.

Like now all politics, all comedians try to get into politics.

I was like, maybe you just talk about dating.

I don't know.

Maybe you're not the politics guy.

It's fun to joke around with you about it and talk about.

I mean, I talk about politics on stage.

I like to think I'm decently intelligent.

I hate to.

Well, I will say, go watch his new special, A Perfect Hour of Stand-Up on YouTube.

Please watch the film.

Filmed at the wonderful Sacramento Punchline.

Best Comedy Club.

It might be the best comedy club.

I don't know why.

I don't know why.

It's close enough to San Francisco to be liberal, and it's rural enough to have red.

I think it's got a little bit of

purple sores.

Yeah, it's got like meth sores all over it.

And they come in, they have to walk past a mattress store, and they realize.

It's not in a great location, but the room's beautiful.

I think I've done three or or four shows there they're probably three of the five best shows I've ever done this

staff is unbelievable the staff is so nice the yeah my special on YouTube it's just one unedited set from Sacramento Punch

but the thing I love about it is you're one of those guys that can talk about politics but you always have a punchline it's never just you suck

yeah I try not to get a little you know like with I think when anyone gets political especially for someone like me I'm like I'll be riding it and I'll be like

where's the joke yeah and then you hit a punchline gotta be a joke every 20 seconds.

You got to be.

I mean, the celebrity culture shit was great.

It was like, what a good.

I really enjoy that bit.

The joke about what's J-Lo's secret?

It's like, she's never had a friend move.

She's never had to help a friend move.

But I think you make a great point.

Beauty pageants should be the people that work for people.

It should be the people who like, like, they're like, what's the guy's name?

Harry Styles.

They're like, oh, he ran a marathon recently.

I'm not impressed.

I don't give a shit.

Find me the Walmart greeter who only eats beans who ran a marathon.

Oh, that would be impressive.

Find me the hot lady that works at an Amazon warehouse.

Yeah, see if she has time to train.

Oh, you're just out in the water.

What is her secret?

Yeah, exactly.

How does she look?

Yeah, how does she look good?

She works

in a lady at the post office who's just beautiful.

You're like, what happened?

Like, Lauren Sanchez, Bezos' wife has all the money to get chopped up.

Of course.

I want to see one of the ladies that works in the Tacoma Fulfillment Center.

Exactly.

But she's just hot as hell.

She's like, she's D's in a zero waist.

And she just

never knew how to use her body.

She never thought about selling out.

Or she just came from a dirt poor place where she goes, I just work.

I don't know.

I got a husband.

You're supposed to work.

Yeah.

Modeling ain't real work.

That's what I mean.

It's like, I want to find those people.

Exactly.

I'm not impressed when celebrities are hot.

Yeah.

It does, I don't care.

You have a team, you have a nutritionist.

But you see, like a hot barista, you're like, that's cool.

That's sick.

You make $10 an hour and you're hot.

I go through two emotions.

I go through the emotion of like, that is so cool that you're just making fucking Starbucks pay and you're gorgeous.

You still find a way.

You can't buy all the fucking products and stuff.

Then, my second thought is, what did you fuck up so bad that you're here?

Like, it's like when you see a hot girl's Instagram and you're like, why do you only have 400 followers?

Yeah, what did you do?

You're posting Thirst Straps and they get 20 likes?

Who did you fuck over?

You must have the worst personality of all time.

What does someone know about you that I don't?

Yeah, you must have killed a child in high school.

You ran over a kid.

Because it's amazing to me.

I saw a guy working the gate at, I think it might have been Minneapolis.

Okay.

The Delta.

That you're like, dude, you're a male model.

Right.

You should not be here.

You're like, his bone structure was immaculate.

His hair was like.

I think they kind of like being the hottest guy at the airport, though.

They're like, I'm the hottest TSA agent, and I'm sure every woman tries to fuck them.

You want to be the big push little pawn.

Yeah.

It's like people who do comedy in Des Moines and they never move.

It's like, I'm the king of Des Moines.

Come through.

I'm a burial.

Come through.

Yeah, I got 20 minutes on a local mall.

Oh, my God.

And I got suburb jokes that are going to kill.

Do you bring, you bring bring openers?

I have like three or four guys I bring with now.

Yeah, but when you were first headlining, did you ever get the guys try to bury a lot of I got a lot some I get a lot of local openers who a lot of people don't understand my comedy, they think I'm just like dark and dirty, so they so the opener is like I'm gonna do my darkest sickest jokes for you.

It's like yeah, but they have to be funny.

Yeah, you can't just go up there and be like, rape, child.

Like, that's it.

You have to have a joke.

That happens all the time.

The funniest example of that is Big J goes.

Oh, I'm sure people try to be filthy and funny.

I don't care if you just do 10 minutes on yogurt.

Just be funny.

The joke that he needs you to do my shit.

The line that Big J says that I think of this whenever it's brought up is when they'll do a joke and they'll be like, yeah, and then I'm sucking on his baby nuts.

And it gets no laughs and they go, if you don't like that, wait till you see your headliner.

And he's like, I don't fuck it.

I got jokes.

And then Big Jay goes up there and kills because he has jokes.

I didn't do that for 30 years.

But it's just so funny that idea of like, if you don't like me.

You're in for a lot with the headliner.

If you don't like me, I'm eight months into comedy.

You're not going to like your seasoned vet who gets up here.

And I get that because you just want to be a part of it.

But it is really funny.

The ones that always blew my mind in comedy were the guys that were like actively like, I'm going to put you in a bad place.

Like, I'm mad you're headlining.

Long Island, very big on that.

Long Island is very big.

But other clubs, there's been some funny bones.

I feel like there's those clubs where the staff will be like, oh, Pete's the best we got.

Pete's the best comic in Bakersfield.

And then Pete goes out there and does like eight minutes on Monica Lewinsky.

But then he'll also just, the thing that always gets me is it's the in-depth knowledge.

The local knowledge.

You're like, oh,

you must be from Ankeny.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Holy shit.

Fat people are from Ankeny.

Oh, fuck.

They drive like shit.

They fuck their system.

No one knows how to drive here.

No, fuck.

We're the only state that says that.

I did that once.

I did that kind of joke.

Well, I do those all the time.

I think they're funny.

I always ask, what's the town you guys shit on here?

But I did

sincerely at the Sacramento punchline one time.

Oh, well, you're from there around.

Well, my grandma lived near there, and I was like, what are you guys from Clear Lake?

And then I did it, and I felt a part of my soul.

You lose their minds?

Yeah, and I felt a part of my soul.

I think that shit's so funny.

Me and my friend, I don't know if you know who Tommy Brennan is.

He just on SNL.

Yeah, well, you lost an opener.

I lost one of my openers.

There we go.

He's going to leapfrog me, and I'll be opening for him probably anyway.

Dude, it's great.

He's on.

I'll tell you right now, it's the Shane plan.

Oh, right.

There we go.

It's fantastic.

That's not bad.

That's not bad.

Then what happens is they go get arenas, and then all you do is 10 minutes for Channel.

That's great.

The pressure's off.

He gets all the pressure.

That's not bad.

I don't know.

He's got to talk to the entire offensive line of the Cincinnati Bengals.

I get to fucking play Xbox and smoke weed.

That's not a bad idea.

It's fucking great.

Tommy's off.

Me and Tommy used to have a thing.

Embrace it, brother.

It's sick.

We used to have a thing.

We always joke about doing those local references.

We think that's funny.

And then Tommy did a show somewhere in, I think, Dubuque, Iowa.

And he was like, he asked the bartender, like, what's the town to shit on?

And she's like, Waterloo, shit on Waterloo.

And he kept saying Waterloo, Iowa.

Oh, is that really the name?

He kept saying the name Waterloo.

And the crowd was like, ah, he kept being like, this, at least we're not in fucking Waterloo.

And the crowd, like, didn't like it.

Because apparently Waterloo is like the only small town in the Midwest.

that's like largely black.

Oh, that's so cool.

So it sounded like he was just being insanely racist.

It's like a weird black factory town in Iowa, and the bartender was half black, and she was kind of like pranking him.

And the crowd just fucking hated him the whole show.

Like, what?

We're racist, but we're not that racist.

Well, hold on, now.

Hold on, now, you leave the racism after the show.

I played baseball with one of them fellas.

They're nice fellas.

He's a good man.

Well-spoken, articulate.

Hard-working.

Hard-working.

And I would like to shake their hands.

As long as they stay in Waterloo, it's okay.

Because in their mind, in that moment, they were the town going, no racism.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, you Yankee, you stay out of here.

You don't make fun of our black town.

Don't make fun of our black town.

It's just funny.

Then the crowd's like, what the hell?

When did he find out?

After the show, the bartender was like laughing, like, I should have told you, man.

I should have told you.

Waterloo is the black town.

Oh, my God.

It's a strange quirk of Midwest geography.

When I remember doing that,

asking, I had a joke about hookers when I first started in Tucson.

Aren't you returning to the homeland this weekend?

Yeah, I do know of that.

I'm doing Tucson and Denver.

Let's go.

Big show.

I'm very excited to do the Rialto.

I hope it went really well.

This came out after.

Oh, right.

It went fucking awesome.

What a show.

Thank you, Tucson.

Thank you, Denver.

But it was like when I was in Tucson, I was like doing this joke about hookers, and that Miracle Mile was like where you would get the hookers.

So you like lean into that.

Of course.

Fresh into content.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

You're just like, I did so many cheese curd Wisconsin jokes and shit.

Starting in Madison.

I went up to Tempe, the Tempe and Province.

And you do the Miracle Mile, and they're like, well,

I was like, where do you get your hookers?

And the guy was like, what?

It probably just looked like I wanted hookers.

Oh, God, that's so funny.

At least you tried to change it.

I did.

Because starting in Madison, all these New York comics would come to Madison.

They'd like do jokes about riding the subway.

It's always amazing.

They'd be like, oh, the G-Train's kind of crazy these days.

It's like, these are like farmers and welders.

Like, you got to change your act, man.

That's the one thing big city comics don't realize when they don't leave leave the city.

They think that everyone lives the life of Chicago and New York and L.A.

And it's like, that's not it.

And people in,

people that come to New York, that go to the stand or New York Comedy Club or the cellar,

they know their visitors.

Yeah.

So when you go, I ride the subway, they go, hey, I rode the subway today.

I'm kind of here for it.

But when they're at home in Madison, they're like, we don't have a subway.

They're like, I don't understand.

He's like, you ever ride the train?

No.

So, like, I had a joke about not being able to smell and about how it was beneficial for the subway, but I explained why the subway sucks because of the smells.

You have to give them a little preamble.

That's it.

So, the idea of the subway isn't implanted in their minds.

They don't know.

They don't go immediately A, B, to C.

They're able to afford cars and homes.

Yeah.

They don't need to ride.

They're not stacked on each other.

They're not living in a railroad apartment with their enemy.

Sweat and piss just dripping down all the buildings.

Oh, you guys don't live a terrible life?

Yeah.

No, it's quite happy, actually.

Oh, no.

I love being.

You said, you know, we were talking about how high up my apartment is.

Yeah.

And I can't believe how, I don't know, I could not live at this floor.

But when I get high, I think about all the people I'm sitting on top of and it fucks me up.

That would fuck me up.

There's been moments where I've gotten too high.

Do you feel it move ever?

If it's windy, oh, I'm out.

I would leave immediately.

When we moved in, we've been living here now a couple of years, but when we moved in, Katie was like, I don't think I can get high for like the first three months because I'll get high.

And I'll get a little bit more.

And after that, I took an edible.

That's what fucked me up.

I ate a couple edibles and I was sitting here watching TV and I thought about if there wasn't walls on the apartment.

You could just fall off.

And just wind would be whipping around.

And I was like, ugh.

If I could sell the apartment.

I think if I'd sell the apartment the next day.

Spun out.

I was like, ugh,

wait, I'm a third floor below, guys.

Yeah, you need to be able to land comfortably.

Yeah, I need to get out while the fire hits.

I was first floor in Queens for fucking...

14 years, however long.

You lived 14 years in that same spot in Queens?

Wow.

07 to 2021.

Wow.

The same exact apartment?

Yeah.

In Astoria.

Yep.

Wow.

I mean, it is a good area.

I lived in all three bedrooms.

There we go.

I lived in the windowless room first.

Okay.

I think every convict needs to live in a windowless room.

I had one for like two or three years.

I did mine for, well, I did it for one, and then my buddy moved in.

I was like, I'm out.

And then we had another roommate.

He's like, I'm not living in there.

And I was like, I'll go back.

And then I went back for six.

Oh, oh, you were there a while.

And then you become a creature of the night.

Yeah, dude.

I'm waking up at 3 p.m.

Like, this is when the day starts.

Dude, you can just start the day whenever you want.

Your circadian rhythms are just completely off.

If you shut the door, it's crazy you wake up and you're like and i didn't get like the vitamin d light which i should have i was just pitch black i slept for like a year straight i loved it i loved it it wasn't terrible until the depression got in that when you let the inner darkness when it's all darkness inside and out you know it's funny i didn't even put that together till right now you can't be depressed and in the dark all day i didn't even put that together i i got real dark in my last like year and a half of drinking yeah where it was like it was getting like that's why you stopped Well, yeah, it was like getting to the point where I was like, I don't believe on this.

This is kind of crazy.

I should probably.

And then drinking, I was like, but I didn't realize.

I was in the fucking windowless room.

You were in a windowless room?

Yeah, it might not have been the drinking.

It might have been the window.

I don't know if you're back.

I think it was just the winning room.

Oh, no, I just ruined your life.

Yeah.

Katie comes home with half a bottle of whiskey and I go, get naked.

We're going to get slimy.

Jeffrey told me it was the room.

Jeffrey said it was the room.

He doesn't have a degree, but neither does RFK.

It makes so much sense.

I wasn't that sad.

I'm crying.

I'm still in there.

Still in there.

But yeah, I moved out.

I got sober, or I stopped drinking.

Yeah.

And then was when I moved into the room with the sunlight.

Right.

It was the exact same time.

Like, maybe, I quit, maybe that's six months to a year before I was.

That's a beautiful metaphor.

Yeah, but I was like,

you were emerging out of the cave, into the light.

Blossoming.

There you go.

He became a man.

Out of my cocoon.

But you're right.

I think every comic you should do.

You need to live back.

You can tell the comics who never lived in a shitty apartment, who never lived with five other open micers.

It's the social confidence.

It's not even the stage confidence.

It's the social confidence.

You haven't been beaten down.

You just haven't had a moment.

You haven't slept in your car doing penguins in Cedar Rapids.

You haven't done.

I've been doing penguins in Cedar Rapids.

You ever go there?

I haven't been there, but that is a club that I've heard and never.

It's R.I.P., sad.

It is gone, yeah.

But I remember I slept in my car to do three host sets over a weekend for 75

dude i remember i remember opening for kevin mccaffrey great guy kevin mccaffy's a man he was this was like seven years ago great guy great

i love kevin maybe it was like 10 years ago actually yeah super fun awesome guy there was um

there was uh i remember going like borrowing my roommate's girlfriend's eclipse to drive to albuquerque to mcs because they used to have another laughs there

and i slept in the i slept on the couch of the condo oh my god with the other headliner and feature.

And they're not happy about that.

No one wants the host sleeping on the couch.

That's kind of like that's supposed to be the quiet area.

The host who's drinking a lot?

Oh, you're partying.

Yeah, I was smoking.

I'm probably bringing a girl back, bringing a fucking last night back.

A lot.

But the feature was gone.

The feature left after the show, so I got his bedroom.

Okay.

So that's why I stayed at the bar to be like.

Oh, God, that's so funny.

Are you going to make an appearance at Laughs and Tucson?

You guys pop by,

go see Dingo.

I want to see.

The bartender.

i do want to see dingo he's a legend that guy is so cool shout out johnny dingo johnny dingo i don't know man i'm a little yeah you know it's a the nostalgia yeah i'm a little the nostalgia isn't clean because i'm a little irked by the

basically that they were like yeah we don't care to book you oh yeah on and off night they did the same thing to i wouldn't i uh and you're you're you should definitely i mean i would love to yeah that'd be so cool wouldn't that be so fun to do headline a wednesday do two shows make them so sick it would make them fucking like oh, we never did that.

That's not what we did.

Don't you see these?

Yeah, they're like, we don't do that.

I was like, you say we give away tickets and we make money on our duty.

We don't make extra money.

What?

The ticket sales.

I didn't even need a lot of money.

I just thought it would be cool.

I literally was like, I like this place.

I think it would be cool to do a one-nighter there.

And they're like, ah, no.

That was the exact thing I told them.

I just want to make

not even that much money.

I told my agent, I was like, I miss.

I want to go back.

I want to do Tucson.

I want to do laughs.

That's an amazing nostalgia.

nostalgia.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

It's nostalgia.

I will do it before I go.

Like, let me get a Wednesday or a Thursday before I do Stand-Up Live in Phoenix.

Yeah, yeah.

So it makes sense routing-wise.

It would give them so much press.

Like, this is our hometown hero.

They should have an IP on the wall.

We started there.

I loved it.

There was like people that I'm still friends with that, like, I talked to that we started there.

Like, Jesse Campbell and Johnny Schwartzmine.

And there's like, and Matlin Parzik.

Oh, didn't Jesse Campbell do a set in Acme?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's hilarious.

Yeah.

She's very fucking funny.

funny.

I'm so glad that I starred in Madison, so that club is always like...

I'm the best comedy on Saturday, the best club ever.

Club.

I know.

It was spoiled.

I was very spoiled.

It was a great time.

I know it's sacrilegious from a Coloradan to say that.

Oh, to say it's better than Comedy Works?

I mean, Comedy Works really.

Comedy Works is great, but Madison, it might be the best club.

It's really up there.

Top three.

There's three that I would say could be number one.

It's 1A, 1B for Madison.

Acme is pretty 1C, possibly also.

Possibly 2A.

2A, maybe a 2A.

Yeah, but I go Madison and Congress.

Madison Congregate City in America.

But I wanted that, like, I mean, you wanted to go there too.

Just to like, give me a little bit of a camera.

Laughs was the first club that ever let me headline outside of like Wisconsin.

They just randomly, I mean, they pay me an egregiously low amount, but I was like, this is cool.

I went back to the

window living here.

I went back to feature for a push.

Just wanted to be home.

I just got to go back.

And I didn't even grow up in Tucson.

I grew up in Colorado.

I went to college in Tucson.

Right.

I didn't like living in Tucson.

But it's where you started standing up.

You always have that memory.

That's the standard where you start.

AFMA.

I worked at the radio station there, and I did stand up.

It's like where I found out what I wanted to do.

It's very important to me.

It has a place in your soul, your psyche.

And then they were like, hey, sorry, man, we got a good thing going here.

And you're like, is it?

Is it that?

I don't see the risk in having an off-night.

Yeah, we don't kind of like to make extra money in these parts.

We like to make exactly what we made last year.

No more, no less.

The new owner was like, but hey, maybe we'll see you next time around.

You're like, I'm doing the Rialto.

I'm doing the.

I'm actually going to do a theater, then go back to small clubs.

I'm still dipping my toes in the theater world.

Obviously, I'm going to go back to the small small tour.

You'll go back to clubs.

This is your first theater tour.

Yeah, I bet that's fun.

And, you know, the cycle is you build the hour, you put it out, and you do it in the theater, then you tape it.

Right.

And then you go back to the clubs and you build it.

Right.

That's fun.

When I go back to the clubs, I'm not going to want to go back to them.

You're never going to go back.

They lost it.

You lost it.

It's too weird.

You could have been.

It's like, no, we don't want want to and then they're like why don't you fuck that and you're like

hit me up when you're in town for christmas yeah no you said no bethany no you said it wouldn't work i tried for five years genie

yeah it's uh it's those things are sad when people yeah they just burn these bridges with us for no reason it's just it's it's crazy

happens all the time too just like just like this weird ego

by the way i'm doing the paramount on saturday one of the bartenders was like dude better come by comedy works and say what's up motherfucker.

And you're like, absolutely.

Ricky Velez is there.

That's great.

I'm going to come by and see the staff and say what's up.

Oh, it's so fun to, two comics are in town performing.

You get a hangout.

That's like the best part of touring.

I got Sagalow with me.

Oh, great.

We're going to go over there to the Comedy Works and be like, what's up, motherfucker?

Get high, watch the show.

Watch Ricky do an hour where it's just like no pressure because I'm done.

Oh, when you don't have to do a show and you get to actually, I never get to watch comedy anymore.

I love it.

Never.

But that's what I'm like, check every scene I'm in.

I'm like checking to see who's at the club.

Oh, I didn't even, yeah, I just.

Because you're like, dude, I want to go fucking.

Taylor Tomlinson did that when we did

Milwaukee.

She was at Milwaukee.

That's right.

She did a guest spot, didn't she?

She's like, dude, I got nothing.

I'm at the past.

That was a sad weekend.

That was tough.

That's a bad suburb of Milwaukee.

But you saved my ass because you go, just to let you know, this is like one of the most conservative,

out-of-the-way.

It's the most conservative county in Wisconsin, I think.

And it was like you went up there

and you felt it.

You were like, damn, they don't like it.

You can't even make fun of being gay because they don't want you to talk about being gay.

We don't talk about that.

It's not even funny to make fun of, man.

Oh, what the hell?

Oh, I think about it.

I had to pull in all my local references there.

I was talking about Culver's.

I had to do it.

What is the burger we were in?

They had a curd burger.

They had the curd burger at Culver's.

The

flat pancake of curd on a burger.

And sold out by 11 a.m.

You were.

It opened at 10 a.m.

It was sold out by 11 a.m.

She was like my Navajo point man of Wisconsin.

Yeah, you're like, I was like, Jeffrey, go find me this.

And you're like, we'll walk north.

And then we went and we went.

You'll smell the curds.

Yeah.

You'll smell the butterburger in the distance.

Did you ever get to try it?

It was sold out every day.

So you never got to try it.

I never got to have it.

It was gone by, I think they opened at 10, gone by 11.

I was hoping you got to justify that trip.

I never got to.

I think I lived in Chicago then.

Yeah, because I was like, I lived in Chicago then, so it wasn't that big of a

far to go.

Yeah.

Milwaukee, kind of a weird city, honestly.

I like it.

I've never enjoyed Milwaukee.

Really?

I guess Madison, I think I got spoiled because it's just so much better.

I did this fucking awesome little theater there last December.

Paps?

Not Paps.

It was this one smaller than that.

Oh, okay.

The one, the old Legion Hall.

Oh, okay.

Where it was like from the 1800s, where they legitimately fought Nazis in this building.

Oh, that's like a, yeah, because it's a big Polish town.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Awesome.

That sounds cool.

And it's just like a big gymnasium, but it was like the acoustics were incredible.

And they had a bear.

Fuck, I'm so scared.

That's where they had like the union meetings and stuff back in the day.

I'm sorry I'm forgetting the name of it, but it was such a cool venue.

And it it was me and Louis Katz and it was like fucking awesome.

What's like the coolest venue you've gotten to do on this theater tour?

I guess it's just starting, but do you just started the Moore Theater in Seattle?

Really?

It's really fucking okay.

Nice.

Seattle's a great town.

Seattle's awesome.

People make fun of Seattle.

It's amazing.

All three venues this week, this past weekend, were fucking awesome.

LA, Portland, or LA?

United Theater downtown.

Everyone hates to get downtown and I get it.

Oh, it's in downtown LA?

Oh, wow.

But it's fucking gorgeous.

It looked like it he was coming out of the sea.

Like, that's what the theater looked like.

Because I got a hotel downtown and I didn't know.

I didn't know.

I didn't know you were.

Every other city, you're like, downtown's the place to be.

Downtown.

I got to be where the action's at.

And people were telling me.

I was like, why is this hotel $125?

This is a four-star hotel.

What is it?

It's like, oh, I get it.

They own the night.

Yes.

I get it.

And we went down to the house.

After 9.30 p.m., they're knocking on the window.

Like, you don't come out here, boy.

It's I Am Legend.

Yeah, it is I am Legend.

You're like during the days of them it's just grass growing out of i'd rather be running from four dobermans than walking down downtown la

but then we did the mora theater in seattle which was awesome and then we did a place called revolution hall in portland which is oh really cool portland another great city it was a old high school turned into a venue oh stam so it's like the venue looks like a um you know those in movies in the old time operation tables where all the class is watching oh sure it's like a really big version of that.

Really?

And then the green room was like a classroom.

What?

That's crazy.

That's so

back hallway was.

Portland, another great city that people make fun of.

It's awesome.

And we were there when the boots touched ground.

Did they act?

Oh, they are there.

No, we didn't see them.

Okay.

I don't know.

He saw one truck.

Oh, really?

But it's almost like you go there and like, everything's going fine.

There's no like mass chaos.

That's always the funniest thing to me.

They're like, it's burning down.

It's like, it's not.

I just was just there.

It was just a lovely day.

Like when I lived in in Chicago for five, six years, everyone's like, Chicago is a war zone.

I'm like, I'm one of the biggest bitches of all time.

How did I live there if it's the most dangerous city in the world?

I benched like 95 pounds and I never had a problem.

Welcome to the war zone.

These guys who live 50 miles out with 20 guns who are like, Chicago, I wouldn't go to Chicago, brother.

It's like, go to a Cubs game.

It's amazing.

I always want to go

when I see specifically dudes.

You could tell Midwestern families that are in New York City.

I always want to give them a show because I feel like they're going there and they're like scared.

And you're like,

New York is so,

there's elements of danger, but it's not a dangerous city.

It's not at all.

Just don't be a fucking moron.

Don't black out on the train at 4 a.m.

Mind your business.

Mind your business.

That's what my mom doesn't do.

Anyone talks to my mom, she's like, oh, really?

Yeah.

Why do you need money, young man?

No, mom.

No.

Let him go.

You You just mind your business.

It'll be nothing.

And by the way, native New Yorkers, when you tell that, they go like, yeah.

What's it like where you're from?

And you go, you say hi to people.

My mom says hi to everyone she sees.

We'll be hiking in the middle of nowhere.

She sees someone, hi, how you doing?

Yeah.

They got here to get away from that, mom.

In the middle of Colorado.

One of my favorite jokes.

I don't know.

You didn't put it.

I didn't see it on your special, the one about your parents loving guns.

No, I didn't put that.

I think I'm going to re-bring that one back.

All right, I don't want to ruin that punchline, but God damn, he's talking about having suburban parents.

No, they're loading up.

I'm from Woodbury, Minnesota, very

average suburb, no crime.

And they got the cameras, they got the doorbell, they got the guns for nothing.

He's talking about how secure the suburbs are.

I don't want to ruin that punchline.

And they're so yeah, I'm going to bring that one back.

I saw you do that when I did a spot on your show at Sasha.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Fuck that joke.

I was telling Adam.

I was like, dude, that joke is so.

Hell yeah.

Thank you.

It's like one of those jokes.

They're just so afraid for nothing.

It's crazy.

I don't think I've ever seen a crime where I grew up within 20 miles.

Because your parents stay strapped.

They stay strapped.

That's what they're saying.

It's because we have one shotgun that we don't know how to use.

Yeah.

That's how they stay away.

But the idea of watching comedy, I think that's why you should always do it, is because there's jokes that you see that you should get jealous of other jokes.

Absolutely.

You have to.

That's why like the...

really famous people,

they don't see comedy anymore.

They lose touch with what's happening.

That's exactly what's on the ground.

It's also, I think, I know it's not a popular theory, but I don't think you should be mad if your partner does light flirting with people because it's like they gotta want something else.

No, you got to keep like, well, yeah, she's cute.

Sure.

If someone is like kind of like, I'm not gonna fuck anybody, but if someone's like, hey, you're like, hey, give it back a little because you go.

It's fun to go on for one minute, two minutes, then we forget about it.

We're not gonna do anything.

We go back to the hotel room and masturbate, and it's fine.

Exactly.

It's a playful flirt.

But my point is, like, I never have been upset about that in relationships.

I don't have a jealousy, really, no.

Where you just go, I don't know.

Was she going to, if she's going to fuck him, then she's a horrible person and I don't want to be with her.

Right.

That'd be a good tell.

We can get out of this now.

Okay.

That little insecurity of like, well, she smiled at that guy.

You go, great.

Just like when you see a comic tell a great joke, that should make you be like, oh, I got to get back in the lab.

It's exactly.

You can't be like, fuck.

You get angry for like three seconds, then you go, I got to write another joke.

It's the, I left my hotel key in the room thing.

You go, oh,

I should have thought of that.

Yeah.

And then you go, that's great.

Now I'm going to go right.

So many people get bitter.

They're like, oh, fuck, I'm never going to be fucking good.

That's the problem, man.

Like, I like to, sometimes when I'm not in the cellar, I'll just go there.

If I see someone I know, I'll just watch a VU show.

I love it.

I do it like once a month.

I think it's fun.

If I'm at New Jokes and there's like two comics going up downstairs that I want to watch, maybe back to back, I go, I'll tell Will, like, hey, don't bring me up.

I want to go watch two sets.

Oh, yeah.

And then you sit in the back and you like, like.

That's what it's all about.

We don't get to do that anymore.

It's great to do touring and shit.

I did a show and Tim Tim Dylan did a drop-in set and I just sat.

I didn't even want him to know I was there.

I just sat in the sound room and watched him do his set.

Right.

And enjoyed it.

Just sat there with the little volume thing.

It's like the way comedy.

Like back in the day, it used to be all these bar shows.

You're all watching each other.

Now it kind of got segmented.

Well, it's also segmented.

It got a little bigger and like COVID destroyed that shit.

COVID destroyed that shit.

That was how I saw you.

Right.

And where was that?

It was on the lower.

That loft show.

Secret Loft.

Secret Loft.

Secret Loft.

And I remember you did your World Cup joke.

Yeah, I just I added on to it and posted it yesterday.

I just saw it, and I was like, fuck yeah.

It was like seeing a song that you, I was like, I watch that.

That's why I know you.

He's because of that joke.

Yeah, yeah.

He did that joke, and I was like, who the fuck is this guy?

And then you talked about it on Burt's podcast, and then someone told me, and then I DM'd you to open for you in Madison.

That was awesome.

I think.

That was during COVID, and then it got delayed like a year and a half.

And then we did a run of a couple of people.

I think like four or five.

Yeah.

And it was like, that's because that's what it is.

You should be watching people being like, holy shit, that's funny.

He's the new person.

Yeah.

But it also makes me happy because you go oh other people are trying to write jokes and be funny and be really good at this well you get so shaded seeing like the big people it's like but there's so many up-and-coming comics who are huge they're so funny right now i remember 2017 shane emceeing for me oh and you're like this guy's gonna be big no just go this dude's hilarious yeah he's like you play madden i was like yeah he's like you want to play madden and then we hung out playing madden all night a lifelong friend and then you're like what a fun guy i'm gonna hang out with and then he ends up being the next fucking adam sandler Yeah, yeah.

Where you're like, this guy's fucking awesome.

But he just became my friend because I liked his jokes.

It's like, people don't do that anymore.

They're all like.

It's all like, how many followers he got?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How's the algorithm clicking for you?

Shane could have been still in Harrisburg right now and I'd be texting him.

Right.

I'd be like, what's up, fucker?

Jump online.

Let's play fucking live.

You know what I mean?

Instead, he's like, yeah, he just got, like, he's on an errand.

He dinner with Bradley Cooper.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh.

But what I love about him is he's my friend.

Like, this is my first theater tour, and I was telling Pimp, he, like, called me and he's like, How you doing?

Yeah, you doing because that's a different vibe, the theater tour, obviously, which is crazy because I remember when he started headlining, he called me and he's like, I'm headlining, this fucking sucks.

And you're like, Yeah, and now I'm calling him, and I'm like, How do you do a different set?

I'm just in the sense, or the sense of

flipping back and forth.

But what I like about it is that's a friendship.

That's yeah, you're helping each other out.

He's had experience in some place I haven't, and I've had experience, so it's just like it is really cool.

What advice did he give you for theaters?

Like, you gotta go slower, yeah.

He said slower.

I fucked that up a couple of times.

He said, Go slower, And he also was like, don't worry about not knowing what city you're in.

He's like, because it gets hard after a while.

If you do a lot of cities back to back, he goes, I still wake up in cities and I'm like, I don't know where I am.

I don't know.

Like before the show, you know, because you're like talking about it and they're like looking at teams or whatever.

But when you wake up in a hotel, you're like.

Don't be like scared and things are going crazy.

And it was in, it was in fucking Seattle that I woke up and I was like,

because I was like, I thought you woke out of

just a deep dream, like in a fugue state.

You're like kicking around, and we're at the same kind of hotel.

So I was like, hey, go on's a room different.

And I was like, oh, shit, different city.

Wow.

But it's fun.

That's not a bad thing.

That's funny.

It's not a bad thing.

That's fun.

It's very fun.

Dude, it's fucking sick.

Go watch Jeffrey Ashmus's.

Go subscribe to his YouTube channel and watch all of it.

He's talking about YouTube.

He's fucking hilarious.

He's one of my favorite comics to watch.

And on tour now.

Touring all fall.

Every guy.

God damn city.

It never stops.

But go see him.

He's a fucking animal.

Please do.

One of my favorite flowers hot.

There it is.

Whitecomedian.com.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot that.

I bought whitecomedian.com years ago.

Whitecomedian.com.

I'm going to sell that to like Joe Rogan for a million dollars.

Schultz will give you the best money.

Schultz will give you that money.

There we go.

Whitecomedian.com.

Thank you.

This is Larry Flick, owner of the Floor Store.

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The Floor Stores Fall Sale.

Cooler days, hotter deals, and better floors.

Go to FloorStores.com to find the nearest of our 10 showrooms, from Santa Rosa to San Jose.

The Floor Store, your area flooring authority.

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Ranked number one in innovation 11 consecutive years, Arizona State University isn't just ahead of the curve.

It's creating new paths to success.

Learn from notable clinical and research faculty.

Online, that's a degree better.

Explore programs at ASUonline.asu.edu.