103: Dirt Cup with Noel Miller | Soder Podcast | EP 101

October 24th, Providence, Rhode Island.

I'm coming to the Uptown Theater, bringing the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour, and I'm bringing some funny friends.

We're going to have a hell of a time.

October 25th, the Polk Theater in Nashville, Tennessee.

I'm very excited.

I haven't been to Nashville in a while.

I have a brand new stinking hour for you.

Something I don't think you've seen.

Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour is coming through Nashville October 25th at the Polk Theater.

DanSoder.com.

Four tickets.

Get them.

And I'll see you there.

Right?

I'll see you there.

I think I'm seeing you there.

Sometimes people have jokes and you don't even laugh.

You just go, fuck, that's a good joke.

Where you're like, Matt, where did you film it in Philly?

At the Helium.

That was at Helium?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Really?

You made it look like that?

Yeah, full stage design.

We just were there.

He just did a ghost thing.

You know, that place is crazy haunted.

Really?

Dude, we got to tell him about this.

Noel, you got to to hear about it.

Well, we can't get in this before I have my dirt cup.

Y'all got my dirt cup?

That was on my list, dude.

I need my gummy worms.

I need my golden grams, or shit's about to go fucking sideways.

So, we're waiting for Noel, and then his

very lovely publicist was like, Do you guys have snacks?

And I, for real, asked them.

I, like, in my mind, had to do the math where I was like, Is this an LA thing?

Have New York because listen, I will take full responsibility.

Sure, New York comedians fucked up during the podcast boom.

That's why Rogan, Segura, Burt, Tom, all of them, I mean, Theo, they all became multi-multimillionaires because LA is better at asking for shit that you need and getting like.

Do New York comics not do that?

No, because they think it's like there's like this.

There's like this unhealthy pride where you're like, bro, I brought my own fucking dunk it.

And I'm listen, I'm guilty of it too.

Yeah.

Sorry, I don't want to cut you you off but is it true because i've been told like back in the day if you like

like in the in the true essence of like new york when it was just like raw stand-up

if you came to town and you were like i have a tv show everyone was like get the fuck out right yeah well it was like um i think i was i was at the end of that you know like i was in new york like 07 so i wasn't there at like the peak of the seller days where there was like bus balls yeah but they definitely the LA vibe was more,

you could tell.

Like they would walk in and be like, okay.

Hey, they were like very network-y in a way where we were like all shut off.

And I would give credit to Ari Shafir as the guy that bridged that gap.

Interesting.

He moved out to New York and he was like, no, you guys are way more dissimilar to us.

And like he was bringing Big J and like a bunch of other comics out to LA.

But I always, you know,

kind of secretly really admired the way that LA Comics would be like, give me that.

I don't have that.

I don't have that.

I've never had that.

And LA Comics would be like, yeah,

give me that.

Give me my fucking dirt cup.

Yeah.

When she was like, do you have any snacks?

I was like, that is some shit we should be doing.

We're coming in here with

fucking running on empty.

We're trying to podcast.

And this is the way to go.

Pudding cups.

Wait.

For every podcaster.

Wait.

How many people that listen to your show?

Do you think it's more listening or watching?

I think we do more listeners.

Okay.

But we get a good amount of people that watch on YouTube.

But I've even been told that people that watch on YouTube just put it on and play video games.

Yeah.

So the watching.

It's pseudo-watching.

It's pseudo-watching.

But I do understand people that like to watch.

Once the video element was added into podcasting, it's like, yeah, why wouldn't you?

Yeah.

Why wouldn't you watch a clip of them?

Yeah, dude.

Also with AI and shit.

Dude, that's what I'm saying.

It's death is a FOMO.

Some of those premises, I was like, dude,

they're coming they're coming true when you were saying like

first off the race war shit you had a line that i was like mad about because it was funny wow you're like white guys get republican money and then they're like what's asian pussy like and you're like you're like that's exactly because when you so i grew up in colorado yeah right so i'm like moving to new york yeah experiencing it i was learning shit later in life that people in new york he's from queens that just know yeah i didn't know jewish dudes love Asian women until I moved to New York.

Yes, yes, yeah.

I just didn't know.

Yeah, I knew like Colorado shit.

Yeah, I don't know how to tie a knot or whatever, but like I moved out to New York and you just see like Jewish, like very, very Jewish guys with like very Asian women.

Oh, okay.

And then after a while, you're like, because you know, that income.

Yeah, I think it's because they don't have, they're so used to having a mom that's like, where you going?

Where's your influence?

Yeah, yeah.

They just have a Japanese woman that's like, I don't care where you are.

I love you.

And they're like, finally.

Well,

this is a good way for me to bring up, you know,

we're talking about that.

The one that's dangerous for white guys is Filipino women.

Why?

Because they break you dudes like racing horses.

Now, see, I would say I kind of, there's a part of me that just the back of my jaw went, oh, yeah.

It's that white guy challenge.

It's the reason Captain Cook tried to take Hawaii is because he goes like what do you mean there's an island and it's warriors i'll go get it like say like a filipino woman you're like oh yeah well yeah that's you're probably right that's the one that it can't be overcome filipinos i worked in alaska for a summer yeah like up in anchorage yeah what are we doing there my aunt was my aunt lived up there and i didn't want to work at applebee's yeah sure because that's what i was going to do okay i was going to go back to colorado in between freshman sophomore year

dude i just was like trying to find a job i do landscaping i tried to work at this other place and I got hired at a fish cannery, which is mostly Filipinos.

Oh.

So I was, dude, I was learning all.

That was my summer where I picked up words in Tagalog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was learning about like

boiled chicken hearts.

Oh, yeah.

Like eating food that I don't think I would have ever.

And I was like, dude, Filipinos fucking rule.

I'm like all about the Pinot pride, dude.

That's why when Pacquiao started going up in like weight classes, I was like, dude, I got my guy.

You started painting on the Filipino colors on your forehead i was like dude soccer i need a woman to break me down

but is your is your mom filipino your dad the world may never know oh really i love that you go mystery mystery you go

you find it out dude i'm in hollywood i can't i can't give away secrets

that i never knew about dude you can't you

just new york we play our hand

i'm holding three jacks yeah you go i don't know what i got i might discard some of these colors

You got to keep it here so you can get casted.

So when they ask, so when the casting director is like, what are you?

You're like, Dom.

What do you want me to do?

What do you mean to be

Ukrainian?

Yeah, what's this for?

Yeah.

I'll be it all.

And you go, like, oh, shit.

Because you were talking, what's funny is something I learned about in New York that you, when you were asking about, someone brought up Albanian.

Yeah.

And you were like, oh, yeah, Albanians.

And you're like, what a lot of people don't understand is how fucking scary Albanians are.

Like, Russians are scared of Albanians.

And I know people in the Russians in the comments will be like, nah, nah, but when you're in New York, no one fucks with Albanians.

No.

I had this joke that went viral about pretending to be Russian to get out of a mugging.

Yeah.

And everyone was like, oh, but that the real reason those guys left me alone when that happened was because I was in the Bronx and they thought I was Albanian.

That's crazy.

They were just like, yeah, no problem.

And you're just like, I don't even look.

I was just like, go to train, no problem.

And they were like, any white people in that area are usually Albanians and they will not.

when i was younger in new york i had a short caesar cut yeah so i could do russian or plain clothes cop so you could just you're kind of flipping that was my i wasn't mixed race but i could go like you were a mixed operative i go you think i got you think i'm a pull

go where the fuck you going buddy

that's what it is and now that i got gray in my temples and when i try to like i did i've always been t-shirt and jeans yeah but now i straight up look like a plain clothes cop yeah dude i mean if i saw you on a plane with sunglasses yeah you go that's a marshal yeah yeah a thousand percent dude just reached for my side speaking of i feel like this is the you're the perfect person to talk to about this because when it happened to me i didn't really get to talk to anyone about it i

i was flying with rfk i was sitting behind him when the bear story broke like

yes like about him kill for people that don't know a little context rfk told a story on roseann's podcast yeah they're just kicking it in the kitchen eating something and he tells a story about finding a dead bear.

He had to go to an airport.

It was like a little kid lie.

Yeah.

Where he's like, and then I had,

but

he took a dead bear and just dumped its corpse in Central Park.

Yeah.

And then people looked it up and they found the news story where they were like, bear corpse discovered.

It's like I tried to make it

got mauled.

Dude, it was the most surreal thing ever.

Dee, was he talking?

So here's my question for you.

yeah you sit behind him on the plane well i'm actually diagonal so i can see through the crack to him brother brother no earbuds because you're listening oh thousand yeah or earbuds in no music so you i typically don't have any and i i was just unapologetic i didn't care i'm like i'm watching this unfold yeah it was crazy because getting onto the plane we're i noticed a bunch of like big ass dudes sure and we were flying to virginia so i just thought oh it's probably like a military base there or something i'm thinking about it and then i get on the plane.

I'm pulling my laptop to play some stupid game.

And then

I don't notice him come in, but I feel like I feel his weight in his chair.

It's just like a

yeah.

I'm like, what the hell?

So it just piques my curiosity.

At this point, I can only see like he's got that fucking tan.

Yeah.

He's got like pro wrestler tan.

Yes, he does, dude.

Yes, he does.

Where you go, like, oh, shit.

So I'm just seeing the orange through the through the gap.

Yeah.

And then his publicist is with him.

And And she is.

Dude.

She's in a spin.

It's completely.

I mean, what a nightmare for you that would be.

If there's a dead, if Noel had a dead bear story, you would just be on the plane.

You'd be like, okay, so

I got Howard CERN that says that they'll give you 15 minutes.

Were they just spinning?

Brother, she is like full house of cards.

I feel like I have to turn away from you so you can get the vibe.

And I apologize to everyone watching.

It's really lame.

I'm about to do an act out on a podcast.

Dude, I'm all about act outs.

You got to be fucking kidding me.

No way.

No way.

On an airplane?

You got to be fucking kidding me.

Oh, my God.

Unbelievable.

This is unbelievable.

This is unbelievable.

Yeah, dude.

She makes a call.

He's not answering my calls.

He's not answering.

He fucked me.

She said this.

She said this.

Oh, my God.

He fucked me.

Motherfucker.

Yes.

So she's yelling.

Dude, the fact that you got front row seat, because here's the thing that everyone knows about publicity, you can never let them see you sweat.

No.

And RFK did a fine job of getting around that, but his publicist in that moment.

And this is happening on takeoff.

Oh, my God.

So the plane is lifting.

Our internet's about to go out.

She's like, it's coming out.

Everyone's punishing.

And I told him, I told, if you pause, you're fucking dead to me.

You're fucking dead to me.

So she's losing it.

And then, swear to God, he leans over.

And at this point, I'm still not believing that I'm in this situation.

But he leans over and he's like,

it's fine.

It's fine.

You got me.

Shocking.

It's fine.

I'll handle it.

It's fine.

Like, he's just trying, he's trying to calm her down.

Wow.

So then, so then I'm staring.

And it like, you know, it's like,

is this RFK?

I think it would have been the voice where I would have gone, dude, that guy does a solid RFK.

Like, I need that voice.

The first time I would have heard that voice, you go, yo, who is doing the damn near perfect?

What are you performing at in Virginia tonight?

Oh, my God, was it Frank Kelly?

Who's in the fucking front row of me?

Wow, that's got to be okay.

And you know, oh, shit, oh my God,

dude.

He stood up to piss.

And that's when I, and honestly, since I saw him, I like, I tamp it down talking bad about him.

Yeah.

Because, you know, I'm not, I'm not a big guy.

Yeah.

And so because I've, I've, I have brushed shoulders of the devil.

Now I'm not, I'm, you know, I'll impersonate him, but I'm afraid to talk bad because I've seen it, dude.

He will break me.

Dude, that's there's something so funny when you meet someone and you see that they're bigger than you thought where you go, well, this changes how I talk about them publicly.

Hey, man, like, like someone, it's like shaking someone's hand and they dwarf it.

And you go, oh, fuck.

Like, I remember the first time I met Rogan and you just like shake his hand and you feel how heavy it is.

You go, yeah, I ain't got to talk shit about you.

Fuck it.

And you know, and you know, karate?

Nah, dude, fuck that.

Fuck that.

Do you like fucking snap my arm and shit?

Nope.

No, yeah.

People, uh, people forget because of the internet that talking about people can result in stuff.

Like, the keep the same energy is gone.

Oh, yeah.

Because people are on the internet and they're like, oh, yeah, and now these, like, the young Gen Z people, Gen Alpha, they don't give a fuck.

It's season four of The Wire.

They're just like, yeah, dude, we're badder than you guys.

They're like, you thought Avon Barksdale was bad?

Marlo Stanfield's like,

it's like, it's wild.

Careful with that one.

What's that?

The hand.

It just...

Oh, yeah.

Trust me.

Trust me, brother.

It's the time to hit the hand now.

If there's time to hit the hand, it's right now.

You try to get subs?

Yeah.

I can't talk with my hands.

I have to keep it in tight.

I got to go back to Bill Clinton's.

I'm like, oh, I did not.

Oh, man.

Remember when shoving a cigar in a lady's pussy was the the biggest problem?

First off, gross.

Yeah.

Cigars flake.

I don't know if you know that.

I don't.

Are you a cigar guy?

No.

But you, you just, but I've rolled blunts.

Yeah.

And when you crack one open, you're like, you shouldn't put this.

In high school, that's what I thought.

When I was like rolling a blunt, the Monica Lewinsky thing, I was like, what was it?

You think it was like a Swisser?

That's how my wife got me.

We were hanging out, and she was like, hey, babe, check this out.

She goes, and she lit it.

Yeah.

She goes,

it comes out of her mouth.

mouth.

I'm like, you're the one.

Oh, my God.

You just did the Taiwanese cigar light.

I love you.

I need you in my life.

Yeah, dude.

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How long?

Are you married?

Yeah, dude.

How long have you been married?

Gosh.

Such a blur.

No, I think like three or four years now.

Yeah, we just had a kid.

Fuck yeah.

Congratulations.

Man, yeah.

That's awesome.

Beautiful, all that stuff.

And are you sleeping?

I mean, as the husband, you're always going to sleep.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Especially as a comic.

Yeah.

You go, yeah, go on the line.

I have to perform.

I got to go do my songs.

My little, my joke words.

I have to say something tomorrow at 11 p.m.

I need eight hours of sleep.

It's funny because me and my fiancé, when we talked about having kids,

we were not having kids because both of us work.

And she was like, can I be honest with you?

You'd go on the road and I know you'd just like chill and you'd come back and I'd be tired and then the kid would get excited to see you.

That would make me hate you.

And I was like, I appreciate that honesty.

Yes.

Yes.

I appreciate that she was like,

I would just have.

a lot of resentment for you and I'd be like, oh, well, then we'd end up getting divorced and then we'd be my parents.

Dude.

Where I just fucking, we'd talk talk shit about each other through the kid.

It's like, which is, you know, is a classic.

Yeah.

I mean, that's.

That's a classic American family setup.

Yeah.

You, having good communication skills is a Canadian trait.

Americans.

You learn to resent one parent through the other.

Yeah, you do.

And then you learn like, it's like little mafia meetings all the time.

Dude, you just become the mediator.

Yeah, where you go, dude.

I mean, I don't know.

Were your parents divorced?

No, no, no.

They weren't?

They were married?

Well, they were psychologically divorced.

I love that.

Yeah.

Sleep different bedrooms.

Yeah, or maybe different times.

I liked, I always respected people that were like, we're staying together, different rooms.

Yeah.

And really, I don't like you.

Yeah.

And you go, like, writing out the contract.

Yeah, they would, they would lock, they would sign out on that bed.

That's so funny.

You go, you didn't do the cleaning.

I just got in here.

It's not even made.

Yeah, well, it's.

Who did this before the hood of the sheet?

Who was there before?

Well, it's your eight hours, so fucking, you know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My parents were divorced.

So it was like you just were it was like every time you hung out with them they were podcasting about the other one yeah we're like they're like we got an interesting development that's that's part of like my new hours i joke about like you know like i joke about the lineage of family separation in my family and then i'm like i just say like my dad didn't leave but he just told me he wanted to all the time that's which is there's part of me that i'm mixed on that because i feel like part of me respects that for the honesty but then part of it's like well then like shit or get off off the pot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just go.

Yeah.

Because like sometimes I think it would be better if people were like, dude, we're just going to divorce.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Go get second husband and second wife energy.

Well, because then at least in that respect, they would be happy.

Yeah.

And then they're not like sitting with you at a dark dinner and they're like.

You wouldn't be alone if he was here.

Yeah.

Dude, there is a thing of

what does suck about that, as I'll tell you as someone who had, watched my mom date, watching your parents have have dating energy

sucks.

Oh, dude, yeah, watching your dad try to be cool.

Yeah, dude, they get like lame.

Like my dad, dude, my dad was just trying to get pussy and I would visit and I saw the age where I got too old that he could use me to get pussy.

No.

I saw like 12 years old, he's kind of like, I don't know, man, he's like a little guy now.

And I was like, yeah, I just want to hang out with you, dad.

And he's like, yeah,

I don't know.

You're not assisting me in any way.

But when I was like eight years old, dude, that was when I was a bar kid.

My dad would just take me to the bars and he'd be like, like, oh, it's my son.

And you're like, dude, you just like do your little routine.

Yeah.

You're like, I'm harmless.

My dad doesn't have diseases.

I'm so good at pool because he takes me to the dive bar.

Do you love to come?

Because that's all my dad makes ladies do.

And he's like, good, peeling me off a five.

He's like, go to a go play to Castlevania.

Dan, do the line.

Go to line.

Do it.

I go, Dad says conilingus is second to breathing.

I didn't even teach him to say that.

How you you do it?

Come on, Dan.

What's better than making women come?

Nothing.

Why, Dad, why do you have so much money in your savings?

Dad, why do you always pick me up and drop me off at school with a smile?

Thank you for all of your worldly advice about

everything of financial

lady.

Yeah.

She's like, I kind of like that rap.

Let's get dinner.

Let's talk this over.

That's crazy.

So, so the point where you could no longer be the wingman for your dad.

I remember it.

Was he just like, hey, man, go to your room?

Yeah, he was just like, you should go hang out at grandma's.

Because my grandma lived in the same town, and he'd be like, yo, you should go stay at Nana's.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh shit, man.

Yeah, I kind of thought we'd like hang out and watch TV.

He's like,

and then he took me to the lake.

Like, he lived in this lake town, and July 4th was like the biggest deal.

And I remember him being like,

Where can you hang out?

Oh, like back in the day when I was under 12.

Because I

saw him when I was 12.

The last time I saw him before that, I was like 10 or 11, and it was still, I was still a little kid enough that he was like, Hey, let me shoot pool in the bar and shit.

And then this time he was just kind of like, I don't know, maybe you just go to your grandma's.

And you're like, Damn.

Oh, that's so cool.

Come on, we got one more in us.

I'm like, try to talk to him.

Come on, I still got my good stuff, Gary.

I can get in there.

Oh, I can't say my awesome.

He goes, look, I still got it, baby.

What do you want me to have?

A lisp?

Dude, that's like, I don't know.

This is like your big bro, like you play outside with, and then you get into high school and he's a senior.

You come in as a ninth grader.

You're like, we're in the same school now.

Nah, we ain't, man.

Dude, my neighbor, Crystal, she was so nice to me that I went to high school and she's like, you're a freshman.

And you're like, I've known you since you were 10.

What the fuck?

Shut the fuck up.

What is this shit?

I remember when you shit your pants once.

Be quiet.

You're scared of fireworks.

I know that.

That's a fact because i lived next to you for so long damn yeah you believed in santa too long yeah

what about you miss remember who thought santa was real it is really crazy thinking about high school like what it would take to damage someone's reputation not much not much dude all you have to you could make Shit up where you'd be like, he loves vegetables.

Yeah.

And people be like, ew.

Bro, we used to roast this kid because apparently his dad was the voice of the dinosaur in Toy Story.

I don't even know if that was real.

That's not even a bad idea.

Gilbert Godfrey?

Yeah, I don't know.

That'd be awesome, dude.

I don't even know.

I'd be like, yeah, my dad's Gilbert Godffrey.

That's what it was.

His dad sounded like Gilbert Godfrey.

That's so funny.

That's even better because you go, you don't even get none of the clout with it.

He's like, I'm picking my son up.

If he came to Big Amoe, he's like, dad, don't talk like that.

He's like, what?

What?

Are they making fun of you?

Why would they make fun of you?

He's like, please, stop picking me up at school.

They're all going to do that.

Yeah, that's your dad.

Yeah, that's your dad.

Doing dyno arms out of him and shit.

Hey, this is your dad trying to pick you up from school.

That's so funny.

We just buy Buzz Light years and hand them to him.

He's like, hey, miss.

Dude, names.

They go, what's your name?

If it's even a little weird, they go, I'm just going to fucking just slam you for it.

Here's what Nolan talks about.

Pooping.

Oh, bruh.

Yeah.

You'd get harassed for pooping.

Oh, yeah, you had to pick your time to shit.

Dude, I, sixth grade, passing period, first off, middle middle school is already terrifying.

Yeah.

Because you're like, were you a big kid?

No, I had a big head.

Oh, dude.

Tiny body.

Air Nux.

Nice.

How big, what size fitted head?

Brother,

I think at maybe 11 years old, I probably fit like a seven and three quarters.

Okay.

I'm not joking.

Okay.

I'm not joking.

Okay.

Yeah.

I was a seven and three fourths around sixth, seventh grade.

And everyone.

When I peaked eighth, when I hit eight, a solid eight on a fitted hat, I had to hide it.

Like, like,

you're going to listen, literally, pull that shit out the closet.

I go, yeah, we're done the eights.

He goes, damn, we got down the eights.

I go, shut up, shut up.

I'm looking for a San Francisco Giants.

This kid need an eight.

Holy shit.

Come on, stay drinking.

And you're like, no, I don't need you to say that.

I need it.

You guys have it in here.

Yo, your hat comes out of like it's a single hat in a box.

Oh,

yeah, we've been waiting for you.

We only got three of these a year.

We've heard of stories of your fools coming.

My leash.

Oh, the head is here.

Dude, the worst was picking a helmet for football.

Oh, because you would go into the equipment cage and they'd be like, what size hat you wear?

And I'd be like, wear a size hat.

And they'd be like, they would do this.

They'd go, I genuinely don't know if we have a helmet big enough for you.

And then they'd go into like the very back and get one with like an old face mask.

And they'd be like, this This and you'd be like,

No, they got the ones from like you know, 1940 where it's like a pilot's helmet, the Amelia Earhart shit.

I go, Do I am I gonna get a face mask?

And they're gonna be like, Uh, you're a pussy, yeah, you know, that head's big enough, you can take those shots, you'll be all right, man.

But pooping, I remember in sixth grade, I was like, The first time I ever pooped in middle school, yeah, at the school, I was like, I just gotta go, yeah, and I went, and then it was like enjoying my poop, and then you hear the door open, and you're like,

fuck,

and then just two eighth grade

they had to have they were older what's that was that show the they tap the bottles together what's that warriors yeah warriors they're like daniel

come out to poop you're like oh no oh no no no no but dude i just heard them and they were like oh look someone's pooping and you're like no no no

that will stop you from pooping yeah your butthole your butthole will go it backwards

so i was just so i like had to i pulled because i didn't know what's coming.

Yeah.

Because middle school kids will do foul shit.

They'll come under.

I was curious what they did because my stories, I think, are

absurd.

They wetted toilet paper.

There you go.

Okay, the wad.

And then they just were like dumping it over.

The wad is over.

And so I was like, I got like sixth grade angry where I go, who are you stopping passing period?

And you say something, and then they go, ah, and then you're like, fuck, fuck.

40 wads.

Dude, it's just like,

our arrows will blot out the sun.

It's like, it's just crazy.

Like, that shit would stick on the side of those.

It's so disgusting.

And you'd be like, fuck.

The funniest shit, I think,

in my high school was they,

the trash can over the.

That is, that's a nuclear weapon.

Yeah, it's so.

That's going, you are throwing a nuke at someone if you go trash over the stall.

Dude, reaching under is a wild move.

It's so nasty, man.

i remember kids reaching under i remember one of my friends the friend that you know i think became a heroin addict yeah he well one of them's bound to one of i mean this is america baby yeah and one of them reached under and he just pissed on the kid's hand and i remember him being like i remember scott telling me about that and being like that's a good move i mean it is i'm like that's quick thing that's problem solving that is that's uh uh like um just a wit i would not have had i wouldn't have it's like asking for a snack for a podcast yeah i wouldn't have, I wouldn't have.

Which, by the way.

I am fading.

I need a

red and blue worm, by the way.

This is where you find out that you're like incredibly diabetic.

And I go like, dude, I think I killed Noel.

She goes, you stupid fox.

This wasn't an ego thing.

This was a blood sugar thing.

And I go, Mike, Mike,

and then just the rest of my life is just comments, you killed Noel.

I'm like, I ain't fighting now.

You didn't get him his dirt cup, Dan, you piece of shit.

Oh, look, it's dirt cup dan.

Who else you're gonna kill, dude?

We maybe got him a Mississippi Muddy be here with us.

Oh, it's diabetic death, Dan.

Dan, diabetics are just protesting my shows.

I'm like,

this guy out of our city.

Fuck you.

You're probably taking Ozempic.

I am, I am, I am.

Oh, you got to start doing that now that you're here.

No, hell no, dude.

Yeah.

I'm going to get fucking naturally fat.

Yeah.

That's how you're going to know I'm successful.

That's what it is.

That's like tree rings.

Yeah, just the fastest big.

You go, Dan's eating good.

Man, is remember?

Do you remember when they were people were like me and me and Chief Keith?

Because he put he put some pounds on.

Yeah, that was funny.

I thought that was funny.

I always like when rappers get fat.

Yeah, I was like, Why are you hating, dude?

Yeah, dude.

I think it's kind of cute.

It's awesome.

It's kind of cute when rappers get fat because you go, oh, you having snacks?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's like,

so when you get all that money, and you're like, Doritos,

nacho cheese.

I'm in these streets munching.

Yeah.

Ice cream.

Oh, yeah.

And also, also, someone that's like cool and tough.

Yeah.

Getting fat is you're like, what are you doing?

You got to poke them.

Like, when, remember when 50 got fat?

Oh, yeah.

And then he slimmed back down for that role where he played the cancer victim.

Yeah.

But he got so insane.

But he was so jacked.

And then he got fat.

And you're like, oh, this is fun.

Have you seen those pictures of 50 at like 18?

No.

He looks like a grown-ass man.

Yeah, I mean, he was like,

you know, fucking terrifying.

I always think it's funny that there was an age of rap where people weren't actually doing it.

And then real,

like, street, like, street guys came in and they're like, no, we're actually doing it.

And you had to be like, and I said, uh-huh.

What?

They're like, they're rapping and they're going, and I went on down to the start and went, you killed people?

Yeah, oops.

I always think that's funny because it's like, damn, like, Easy E came in and was like, no, I deal crap.

And they were like, oh, okay we're just friends that hang out at parties and we sing songs with each other you sean price fan uh no oh he's from brownsville but um that was like uh he had like this era where he referred to himself as the brokest rapper you know yeah and uh it was just such like a fascinating period where he's like putting out mixtapes and he had like a major label deal and then his career kind of taking a turn uh and he's just like making albums just openly being like i'm selling crack right now

like just like call me this is a current thing And I will.

I always think it's like, it's funny when you realize like the

entertainment industry energy, how quickly you can walk through that if you've been in the street.

You're like, oh, I had people trying to kill me.

And you go, well, we tell secrets here.

You say you're mean behind your back.

And they go, I'll just shoot you.

That's why it was funny.

Like Big X, the plug, he's just like, oh, yeah, I'm kind of good at this.

I'll just keep doing albums and I don't have to sell drugs anymore.

And then other people who are good.

good, it's just funny that it's like someone that went to like Berkeley or Juilliard is in the studio with a guy that's thinking about it, yeah.

And they're like, I killed a guy, and they go, Oh,

real passion.

Okay, I always felt like

I felt like that when there was like um sex podcasts, you know, like girls talking about sex, yeah.

And then you had women that were sex workers, yeah, starting podcasts, and you're like, That's

that's the podcast version of real.

She had sex in a car once, yeah.

I just had sex with five dudes.

She goes, Yeah, I got smuggled onto a boat.

And they go, Whoa.

You know what it was?

It was the exact clip because Big J and I talked about it.

It was when the girl went on and she was like, I sucked off all the Phoenix sons.

Yeah, yeah.

And you go.

That was the turning point.

Jesus Christ.

That was like the first time someone was like, I killed a guy.

And they go, I think he fucking did that.

I think he fucking did that shit.

And she's just on a podcast going, suck Devin Booker.

And they entire sons off.

And you're going, holy fuck.

And then other girls are going like cosmopolitan cosmopolitan lists of ways to drive your man crazy.

She goes, I don't know, pull up to a La Quinta.

I'll blow you.

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But that was like 50 when 50 came out because he did like the how to rob and he did all that shit and he was like talking shit where he's like, like, What are you going to do?

You guys aren't real gangsters, and you're like,

oh, yeah, oh, that's why, that's why it was funny.

That's what I love about comedy when you hear someone's life, and you go, like, oh, shit.

Oh, and then you just like, you fold up that little idea you had, yeah, you just sit next to a comic who's like, Yeah, man, I um, I actually did a few years in prison, yes, exactly.

That's exactly what I was saying.

But then you're like, you're like, oh, like they're like in India.

Yeah.

You're like, you go, they don't even have rules.

Yeah.

And he goes, I know.

I didn't eat for six weeks.

So that's why you wanted the snack for the podcast.

So that's why that was like

Ali Sadiq.

It's one of the best working comics.

I mean, he's like unbelievable.

I love Ollie's.

And every time I've hung out with him, there always is this moment where he brings up something where you go.

Yeah, I'm a white kid from the suburbs.

Oh, dude.

I can complain about my parents being divorced for all I want.

I'm not going to put Ollie's business out there because, you know, but, you know, I know Houston comics.

Yeah.

And they just tell me like the secondary stories.

Maybe this one's safe to put out there.

Okay.

We can edit it out if you feel later.

No, I mean,

I'll put it in sanitized terms.

Okay.

So someone was heckling him a little too aggressively.

Okay.

And

basically the person telling me this story was like, I think this person thought because Ollie is, you know,

a smaller stature.

Sure.

Shorter man.

Shorter man.

Sure.

That Ollie is somehow not about it.

That man does not has not listened to any of Ollie's previous works because the things he talks about are very real yeah and what he talks about is in one of his first specials is whooping a dude's ass over the span of 15 years

every time he'd see him in the street he would just this guy up so that's the kind of mentality that you don't with someone like that yeah so someone told me that uh uh ollie pulled this man out after after the heckling

just very you know Yeah.

What's up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he said, that guy found out.

Oh, my God.

There's nothing worse.

There was this kid.

There was this kid at my high school that was Russian because we had, at my high school, we had International Baccalaureate.

Yeah.

Which was like

advanced classes.

So we got a lot of like.

That's like a Star Wars Academy.

Yeah, but it was like crazy.

My high school was so big that it was like people were siloed into different things.

My high school was like, I think 3,200 kids.

Okay, you're like the first person I've met that is in this range.

You know, I met up with a high school buddy.

I always thought our class was 1,500 the entire school.

And my buddy from high school corrected me.

He goes, no, bro,

that was our graduating class.

That's insane.

1,500 kids.

Mine was 800.

And that is like, that's half of yours.

And ours was, I was at high school graduation going, never heard of that kid.

Never heard of that kid.

Like, I'm in line going, who's this kid?

Yeah.

Four years?

I've never seen this kid.

Well, that's where I need

my Asperger's, because I knew everybody.

You're like, I know all their shit.

They could line up the whole school and I'd be like, you have a Courtney?

Courtney.

Eric,

show me just the just

show me the earlobes i got them all i got them clock it and go dude no one else got this skill the principal's their earlobe oh

but dude there was this russian kid that came because of like you know he was like really good at the sciences and the maths yeah but he was he did uh russian sambo like sambo fighting oh oh we had

uh we had our asian clique in our high school was very dangerous asian pride oh do not fuck oh yeah dude they would have like fast and furious cars but they would also have dude this is a real thing for my high school you people that went to high school with me will corroborate validate corroborate the story when i was a freshman in high school we used to so where i grew up in southeast i grew up in aurora which is like southeast denver yeah right and so what you do is out like southeast of aurora it's farmland yeah so you we genuinely had cowboys yeah at our high school we had farm kids that would like drive to our high school but they would wear cowboy hats and shit.

They're 13.

They weren't, yeah, they weren't posers.

They were like, I work on the fucking my dad's ranch out east of Parker.

And you're like, holy fuck.

Opens a book.

But he's

just picturing him.

He's fucking, I don't know, a dinosaur.

He's like, man, what the hell?

Made up.

He goes, when are we going to learn how to, when are we going to learn how to change horseshoes?

And they go, we're learning about science.

But this kid,

you know,

probably racist.

Yeah.

said some shit to the Asian group in my high school.

Yeah.

And my friend's older brother took a metal baseball bat to him and like paralyzed him.

So it was like, you do not fuck with these kids.

Like they are fucking terrifying.

That minute that steel bat came out, the people around, this, the closing window of, he's not going to.

Dude,

the contact, the noise a metal baseball bat makes where it goes, King.

When you hear an East and go, even watching baseball It goes

I don't even like watching college baseball because I'm like that shit fucking that sounds like it comes violent when it hit that skull

Slightly muted

But you still hear the metal and you go oh like oh shit So these that group was like notorious you just like didn't fuck with them.

Yeah, so they would bully people.

Yeah, they would like

and they bullied this Russian kid.

They were like picking on him.

Dude, they fucking locked the

like before gym class locked the door this russian kid beat the

out of five of those asian pride kids

to the point that it was like known in our school this was my junior year

It's known in our school.

The football team, I was on the football team.

They went and recruited this kid.

They're like, yo, and we were in stretch lines and our coach was going, it beat the shit out of five kids in the locker room.

That's the kind of energy we want on this football team.

Leave it to the smart one.

What the fuck is that energy?

That's exactly it.

Dude, I promise you, I will reach out to Danny, my best friend who's on the football team, and he'll tell you, Chad will too, that that happened.

This guy was like, this guy beat the shit out of five people.

I don't know if it was my sophomore or junior year, but dude, then this kid was.

ass at football.

Oh, of course.

Because he's just like a Russian kid.

He's like, it looked like Khabib.

Yeah.

He kind of had the Dagestani thing or whatever, but he was like already growing a beard.

And then I just remember he had an old football helmet on and he was like, I run over there.

And they're like, run over there.

He's like, okay.

And

he had kind of like a wobbly run.

Yeah, he couldn't run.

He didn't run cool.

He didn't have like the athletic run.

His little side to side.

But no one wants to critique him because you're like, that kid will fuck us up.

Yeah.

And then the coach is like, he did beat the shit out of five Asian kids.

That's like everything, dude.

We were all like, dude, everyone's like trying to be friends with him.

We're like, hey, Michael.

And he's like, oh, Dio there.

This kid's badass.

But it's funny because in high school, you were like, that story before the internet got around by the end of the day.

Yeah.

Like 3,200 kids knew this Russian kid had kicked the fuck out of five kids.

I mean, if he did that now, that's awesome.

And with the Snapchat?

Oh, my God.

He'd be on

posting L's on Twitter.

I'd be on a subreddit watching like cringe TikToks, being like, oh, that dude gets.

because dude, the amount of fights online, that's always a joke that I've seen stand-up comics do that I truly agree with, where it's like, I don't want to fight because what if someone records it?

Oh, yeah.

I don't want to, I don't want to, obviously you think about getting knocked out, but think about being winded.

Oh, no, dude, all the, that's the thing that, you know, think about Logan Paul.

It took him years to erode.

He tried to embrace it.

That high-res image of him getting.

Oh, yeah.

And everyone's like, nah, man.

It forced him into boxing.

it forced him to like really go on an arc.

Yeah, yeah, where now he's like, dude, Logan Paul, as a wrestling fan, I'll tell you, he's great.

Yeah, he's like good at in-ring shit.

Yeah, but you're right.

They're like,

people don't forget the internet, like getting punched.

I think, what do you think is the worst case scenario being filmed and it having it online?

Between pooping your pants, being racist,

losing a fight,

crying.

Because crying, dude, if Katie broke up with me and that someone was filming it, I was like, you can't fucking do this.

If that went out, oh, like hysterics.

That's what I mean.

Like, like breathing weird crying, not like, not like a single tier pollution on the planet.

I'm talking about like,

like honking.

All right.

I feel like hysterics.

You maybe get a pass because I feel when you I feel when you see a dude in hysterics, there's a bro part of your brain that goes,

Sorry, I should have turned that camera on.

That's the only humanities.

Yeah, it's like, let a man have his privacy.

You're like, what the fuck, man?

Who's putting this on?

I feel guys get weirdly, you know,

hey, man, leave it alone.

Hey, he's going through some, he's a cancer.

Yeah, that's always

Sagittarius.

Stop it, dude.

Dude, stop.

Mercury's in retrograde.

That's the only time we go for that.

Just supporting a friend.

Hey, dude, you don't understand.

His blood sugar is low.

Yeah, dirt cup, man.

Come on, man.

He's diabetic.

Give him a fucking break.

What the fuck are you on right now?

You've cried before, bitch.

Why are you talking slick, man?

Stop being a dick.

I think,

let me combo it.

Okay.

Okay.

I think getting your ass beat and somehow your pants falling down in that process.

Dude, there's, dude.

I think he nailed it.

Noel might have just nailed it because there is that video of the guy whose kid got bullied.

I don't know if you saw this.

And then he goes to confront the kid and he's like yelling at the kid.

I'll find the video so you can edit it in.

He's awesome.

Like when we talk about a video, he'll edit it in and post.

But this dude, his kid gets bullied.

He goes to school and he's yelling at the kid.

And another kid fucking yanks his pants down and he has no underwear on and his dick is tiny.

And you're like, oh, now we know your dad's got a little dick too.

That is, that is a nuclear missile.

It is.

For that kid's reputation.

That is.

It is.

It's worse than when people get slammed on the ground and they try to act like it didn't hurt.

Where they get backed up and they go.

And they go like, oh, good, bro.

Where they get knocked down and they go like,

I don't know.

But he does.

You know, and that one's bad too, because we start trying to, it's cool.

And when strangers start grabbing you,

guiding you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You lost it, man.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's like walking over there.

when four strangers try to huddle you.

Dude, dude.

Just stay here.

It always happens in the parking lot of the gas station.

Not where the gas pumps are, but where the cars are.

You will see, that is 90% of where you're going to see videos of people getting slammed on the ground and trying to stand back up in a respectable way.

Just stay on the ground, have a cup of water.

You reminded me of a really niche.

This one I've had difficulty finding.

Okay.

This is where we're at, by the way.

It's no longer porn porn clips.

It's people getting fucked up.

It's niche punch out.

Dude, niche knockouts.

That's a new Twitter account or X, excuse me.

New X account.

You can make it.

Niche knockouts.

Niche knockouts is, oh my, that's like higher quality.

Dude, this is like,

this is a maybe 480p max.

This was filmed on a flip phone.

I love it.

For sure.

I love it.

It's two guys probably in their 40s and they're chirping a guy at the pump.

They're drunk.

They clearly like got hammered.

They went to the gas station, probably get more.

And for some reason, they're just in this guy's ear at the pump.

And the guy at the pump is like, you don't want these problems.

Oh, my God.

There's nothing that I love watching more than a video where I know a man is confident in his fighting abilities.

And I can tell before the people that he's about to get in.

He's like fed up.

Yeah.

And he's trying to give them a chance.

And they keep going.

And these guys had clearly come from, they're dressed nice.

I believe the guy at the pump, he's just kind of sweats.

Sure.

One of them keeps going and he's like, all right, bow, clean knockout, just out.

You know, yeah, probably

with the arms bent.

Yeah, yeah.

He's got them cerebral palsy arms.

Action figure, inverted fists.

You hit him where he's going to need those arm structures where he's like, where they just look up and they're like

that dentist fucking breathing.

Oh, dude.

And when his skull hit the pavement,

he lost function in his left toes.

There it goes.

So then his his boy, also drunk, is like,

you didn't just buy my boy like that, bro.

The guy at the pump goes, all right, man.

Boom!

Yeah.

Then the two of them on the pavement.

And I believe he just like racks the pump and gets in his car.

And then just waking up and being like,

but like next to your friend and being like,

did we win that?

What happened?

Did we win that?

Have you ever passed out?

Oh, yeah, dude.

I mean, I've passed out because of substances, but in in seventh grade, we used to do the pass-out game.

Oh, dude, the pass-out where you were like,

oh, yeah, yeah.

Dude, I was showing kids.

I swear to God, I remember this.

Shout out, Casey Kiggins.

I hope you're still, I hope you're alive and good.

Because she was like, what do you mean you do a pass-out thing?

And I was like, in front of my seventh grade science class, I go, you go like this.

And I went.

And then the next thing I know, I'm getting up off the ground.

And I'm like,

just tasting metal?

I was like, you felt like you slept eight hours.

is it wednesday oh my god i'm refreshed yeah but the passout is so dangerous yeah well i was just gonna say the pass out sleep is incredible oh yeah i was uh i was at one of those uh you know groomsman compilations oh yeah i passed out on my buddy's what yeah so i was a groomsman i locked my knees

yes dude i locked my knees so embarrassing people don't realize that if you uh if you're like starting to do comedy or you're performing on stage move move yes and what i've what i heard uh early on was if you if you just bend your knees a little even if you're just standing there you bend them a little you're fine yeah you'll like get the buoyancy yes when you lock your knees there's something about it so it was really funny was uh um his brother is a firefighter okay so i lock my knees and i feel my body start getting cold yeah and they're at the vows oh no and I just look over my shoulder.

Did they write their own?

Huh?

Did they write their own?

No, no, no.

It wasn't lengthy.

Okay.

Because thank God.

You don't need her going like with every sunrise.

Dude,

you go like,

I thank God every day that these two, I love them to death.

Shout out to Paul and Joe.

They're just so chill as people.

Yeah.

You know, their vows are very just like down-to-earth, straightforward.

I ain't got to fuck around.

Yeah, like they have nothing to prove.

It's like we love each other, man.

It just is what it is.

So I'm watching them do this, and my knees are locked.

I look at his brother and I go.

Hey, man, I'm about to pass out.

There's something about saying that casually that is so funny to me about going like this.

Yeah, I'm about to bang my head off the concert.

Yes, yes.

And then

his brother clicks his time and goes, man, you're about to fucking pass out.

Shut up.

I said, no, really, I'm about to pass out.

Just like that.

Dude, that's yours right now.

Lights are about to go out.

All right, bye.

Dude, they do the I do's.

They kiss.

They turn.

They're walking down the steps.

Everyone stands up.

We are parallel.

And it was like my brain knew.

Now's a good time.

Yeah.

I'm waking up on my back with my legs in the air and my because my buddy's brother's a firefighter he just to my back lift my legs up and he was like returning me to consciousness within 10 seconds that's great that's the best person you want around for so the only people that saw it was like um his like cousins like dad so it was like his uncle sure and like one or two other people that was it yeah but i knew his uncle and his uncle comes over and he's like

Hey man, you need some water, man.

The rope just.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck is wrong with with you?

But what's crazy about that is getting saved at that moment cost you everyone knowing about it.

Oh yeah, yeah.

That's like, you know, in movies where they snap someone's neck and they lay them down?

And they go like, shh, like trying to get past their guard?

It's completely.

It's like the reverse of that, where he like brought you up, like, shh, and like snapped you back and he's like, go, dude, about to pass out.

It's the craziest feeling.

It sucks.

It sucks.

And I feel bad when people around me do it.

One time we got high.

She's going to kill me for telling this story.

Uh, we were at Zaney's in Nashville after the show.

We were just smoking weed in the green room, and

my fiancé smokes weed, yeah, but I was smoking a lot of weed, yeah.

And we were with like a couple other comics that were smoking weed, and she was like, I and I just saw her, and I was like, Do you want to go outside?

She goes, Yeah, we should go outside.

And then we went outside, and I was, I got so high, I was like, Oh, the Uber, the Uber took a wrong turn, and then she passes out, and her, our her friend was right there to grab her.

No, man, nothing made me feel worse than not.

Then I was looking at the Uber instead of checking off.

Did I that that haunts me?

That still haunts me.

That I was like, What a shitty boyfriend.

And I was like, This guy took a left.

And then she's like, Oh, they go, No, no, no.

I just feel like it's classic dude shit, though.

Yeah, you go.

You always on your phone, and your lady's getting mugged.

I look over and go, wasn't Katie here?

Yeah, it's over the shoulder of a guy.

He's like running away over there.

You're like, oh, fuck.

Yo,

that clip of you guys arguing about in the hotel.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That one, bro.

That was the one where I felt bad for putting that out because I was like, I'm kind of a dick in this clip.

No, no, dude.

She was like, but that, those are the, we don't fight.

Those are the arguments we get in.

Sure, sure, sure.

She goes, it's not in the hotel.

I go, it's in the hotel.

It's not in the hotel.

It's connected to the hotel.

She's like, it was in the hotel.

I go, it wasn't.

Because you walk in the lobby.

You still got to go through a weird fucking side thing to get.

Shout out that Bennigans, though.

We're coming back, Iowa.

Yeah.

We're coming back.

I just had to say, I sent it to my wife.

I was laughing.

I was like, dude, you're Dan.

And she was like, she was like,

Mrs.

Miller, get to you.

She gets it.

I don't know.

Alina, you guys would have a great time arguing the semantics.

Well, dude, Katie crushes me.

She's way smarter than me.

So she'll like,

I'll walk myself into a trap and then she'll go, got you.

And you're like, God damn it.

And it took me a while to get over the ego of it where I go, you're cunning.

Bro, clever girl.

You know, I've like, I've built up an ego about watching movies and explaining things.

Yeah, yeah.

That now I have this like cunt attitude like in the middle of the film where Alina will be like, wait, but didn't they?

I'm like, no.

And I'll say very confidently what the plot is.

And she'll go, like, the other day we were watching the new Alien series.

Dude.

Don't say anything because I'm on the last two episodes.

I'm not even that far.

I'm not even far that far.

How fucking great is it?

Oh, I love it.

And then I get always people in comment sections that are like, it sucks.

It's like, go fuck yourself.

Yeah, no, man.

As a lifelong fan of the franchise franchise and a guy that loves no holly it's unbelievable i mean for sci-fi it is very for tv for tv and sci-fi very well you're not doing a movie it's every week is a movie when they have you done when they explain what happened on the ship with the snow no i am just into the first episode all right we're gonna be texting about this yeah a thousand percent i'm telling you right now it is

i am so excited i'm starting the tour this week and i'm more excited to finish the season of alien yeah yeah that i'm like i gotta get home so i can watch it.

Oh, yeah, bro.

And there's too many bugs.

Katie hates bugs, so there's too many bugs.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Uh, Alien Romulus,

we watched that when Alina was eight months.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You know what's funny?

You can watch an alien movie while your wife is pregnant, dude.

This is how like ice cold she can be.

She's like watching the baby get ripped out, and I look at her.

I'm looking at Romulus at the end.

I looked at her to see her vibe, and she just looked at me.

She's like, hilarious.

Like, oh, my God.

I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

But then the part that grossed her out was when the alien breastfed.

Oh, yeah.

She said, uh-uh.

And that was the one where she goes, nah.

Turn it off.

I love that.

Turn it off.

That's that weird, that's at that end where it's weird.

And all of a sudden, you get an NBA center just walking around in like a gravel pit.

And you're like, this is funny.

And then the OnlyFans girl walking up, like, hell yeah.

Dude, we watched that.

Me and St.

Germain went and watched that.

And his wife was like picking us up and she got into a car accident as the end of the movie.

It wasn't a bad car accident, it was like a fenderbender, yeah.

But it was so funny to watch Dan go, We're Romulus is ending, and he's like, My wife got into an accident.

I'm like, What the fuck?

I'm like, There's like too many things going on, and you're pushing it up.

It's funny you say that about the ego thing because

I love sports, like a huge sports fan, but Katie works in sports.

Yeah, so I had to lose the ego of

she knows names better than I do, she knows stats more than I do, she knows ball, she knows ball, just gentlemen, She just knows ball.

She is a baseball enthusiast.

Okay.

And I'm getting back into it.

And Big J had the perfect line on me where he's like, You're the only couple I know where the wife goes, I gotta go in the other room and watch baseball.

I can't watch this shit anymore.

And it's like me being like, Fine.

Fine.

I want to, I'm going to watch my story.

And just turning it up and these two naked guys.

Watching wrestling.

And then she's like, I got to go watch the Padres.

And I'm like,

but letting go of like,

there'll be be moments where I say a name wrong and she corrects me.

And when we first started dating, I'd be like,

yeah.

And then I have to let go of the ego and I go, no, you're right.

How do you say it?

Okay.

It's you, Darvish.

Got it.

That's basically me now because with TV.

Yeah.

Because, you know, my wife is just better at listening.

Yes.

Women are better listeners.

They also understand pronunciation better than men.

We just like blaze through it.

Yeah.

And they're like, that's not how you say that.

And you go, fuck.

Fuck.

And I like, I don't know why.

I think I grew up with a.

By the way, this segment is called Wife Glazing.

Yeah.

This isn't even going to be released.

Yeah.

We're just, we're just clipping this and sending it to our respective ladies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is to let them know that we think about them on the job.

I'm across the country missing you, girl.

Mike, clip it.

They're going to get dining on TV and you're like, I miss you.

And you're like, After I have a really good set, I sit down and I go, what is my wife doing?

Yeah.

I bet her night was hard.

I bet her night was hard.

Clip it.

I hope she gets some sleep tonight.

Clip it.

Thanks for walking the dog.

Clip it.

Yeah, now I'm seeing if you two had a kid, it'd be a nuclear bomb.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it would blow it up.

I'm too immature.

Well, also, you'd come home with like, you know, trading cards and figurines and shit.

My kid would be like, this guy always has presents.

You just yell at me and make me eat shit.

And that was the difference between my mom and my dad.

My mom was the disciplinarian, and my dad was like when i'd go visit him in san francisco he'd be like you want to go to the toy store and you're like yeah

absolutely and now i even talking to you i've realized he was just buttering me up to help him get pussy of course i didn't realize that yeah this guy this was a i was i was a mark the whole time dude a sham from day one i thought we were cool i thought we were father and son man i could i i i feel bad i i uh I wanted to bring some Magic the Gathering cards so you could bust them open on it.

Dude, the card thing is fun.

We just started fucking around and doing that yeah people like got really into it and i that what's funny is i disappoint a lot of people because they'll be like so did you ever open like a fleet 93 and you go oh i don't actually like care yeah yeah yeah it's just funny to make fun of old players and they'll go like what

be on the road and they'll be like fine and they're just putting away a collector's box dude card people

That's why those Pokemon videos are so viral right now.

Yeah.

You know, when like they have like a nervous little girl come and they go go like, oh, you're trying to get and then they'll give it to you.

You're another one you're talking about.

You know what I mean?

But there's a lot of them.

Yeah.

And because we do need kindness content.

We definitely do.

And that's one of it where they'll be like, I don't have any money for this.

The guy's like, here's your Charizard.

And they're like, it's on me.

And they're like, thank you.

I'm non-verbal autistic.

And you're like, this is the nicest video.

Card people, I think, and I could be wrong.

In general, what I've come across, they're very nice.

Yeah.

But they'll show up and they'll be like, I'll be on like a four-city run, and they'll be like, Here's a box of cards, and you go, I can't, yeah, I can't take this with you.

I don't have that, and they'll go, like, oh, I hid it from my grandpa who fought in the war.

And you go, well, now I'll take it.

It's like traveling with a carry-on, and they're like, sir, you only get two.

And you go, this is a classic fleet from 1988.

Yeah, dude, that's too bad.

I hired this Asian kid to sit in a truck from Milwaukee to bring it to me.

Oh, dude, I meant to tell you

in Death is FOMO, you do a great Philly accent.

Oh, bro.

Thank you, man.

Shout out to my tour manager, Tom.

I was actually talking with Cusker about this.

He infected me with the,

now I understand it'd be the Delco

dude.

Date.

Yeah.

They got Dade and they got Dade and Water.

Yeah, Water.

Water's the thing, because I didn't even realize, this is another thing where you don't realize until you move.

Like, I didn't know Philadelphia had an accent

until I moved to the East Coast and became friends with a bunch of Philly guys.

And they were like, oh yeah, we got that Philly accent.

Well then the other one that's like really subtle is the yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There was a run where like last year, me and my tour manager, we were on the road so heavy that I would be catching myself at home being like, yeah, dude, this fucking.

Yeah, you don't even

friends down here.

And you're like, how am I, why am I talking like that?

I'm literally pulling my tongue out of my head like, oh, that's crazy.

I didn't realize that it's called a mid-atlantic accent.

So, why it's called that is it's the Philly accent is similar to the Baltimore accent.

Oh, and you don't even realize that.

Got it.

Because ball, like, you, you know, like Stavi and shit, when he does it, he'll be like, yeah, the fucking Ravens, they're fucking supposed to win.

And you're like, oh, it's very similar to like, super.

If Jalen Hurts wasn't on my team, I'd be fucking calling him different names.

But I love Philadelphia is an east a thing about east coast where did you grow up uh i pretty much grew up in la in la yeah which what i like about east coast audiences and what i learned moving out there is like they're tough crowds specifically philly boston new york but when you win them oh like baltimore and shit they're like the best audience oh dude yeah yeah it's like having in-laws from boston yeah it's like once i won them over i'm like you guys are the best well i just i also love their cynicisms yes and like their anger Yes.

And like the sarcasm.

It's Bill Burr energy on everybody.

Bro, and like just like, why are you doing that?

Like, nah, why are you fucking doing that?

You're like, I'm sorry.

I didn't know this was a thing.

I like, I, uh, I realized so much how

I don't know.

It's funny because as I started doing comedy, I would get people coming up to me and they're like, you East Coast, dude?

Yeah.

I'm like, no.

They're like, oh, really?

I sworn you're East Coast, dude.

And I think it's because like I have that cynicism.

Yeah.

And then out here, I struggle so hard because for a while, I was like, take it out on audiences.

Yeah, I get that.

I was just open with that bit about being molested.

I was open and just burn bridges.

Yeah.

And people are like, whoa.

You know, well, I'm just going to tell you.

Yeah.

You realize you can go dark too quick.

Yes.

You realize that it's like there is a reason why you go, maybe I should throw one or two out of you.

Yeah.

Because I would do that too.

And then you go, I'm sorry.

Did I bring it up too quick?

I fucked up.

But I feel like on the East Coast, I could go out there and be like, I'm glad you're all here.

I want to talk about being molested.

And they're like, that's fucking guy.

Who got you?

Got your girl.

I'd be like, oh, fuck.

You're not special.

We're Catholic, man.

Everyone went to church, you fucking weedo.

But what's funny is I have a hard time adjusting when I come out to LA.

It takes me a day or two to like, even when I go visit my mom in Colorado.

Yeah.

Because

we're talking about things you don't notice about Philadelphia.

I've lived in New York for so long now that I'll do the New York, the yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't realize I did that.

Where my mom would be like, I did that, I go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she's like, okay,

I'm telling you, and you don't even realize it.

Yeah.

Also, I didn't even know that was why Karen O named the band that.

Because people in New York go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they just like, say shit.

The yeah, yeah, yeah, as are named that.

It fucking blew my mind.

But I didn't realize I do that.

Where I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.

Like, move on.

Dude.

Because they're like trying to hit A, like on a video game where you're trying to skip a country.

Yeah, yeah.

You're like,

I got it.

I got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Mike watched it at the hotel on Monday night where we're checking checking in, and a dude was staring at me.

And I just go, What's up?

And the guy goes, Whoa, bro.

And I go, Can I help you?

Why are you staring at me?

And he's like,

Bro, I just listened to it.

We got the elevator, and I was like, dude, sorry.

I felt, I was like embarrassed in front of him.

I'm like, I'm sorry, dude.

I don't know.

I was kind of a spazz on that because we were just in line in the elevator, and the dude's just fucking staring at me.

And I was like, What's up?

And he goes, I don't know.

And you're like, we should be asking these questions, bro.

Because I was talking to my boy the other night, he was doing a show at the improv

named Saib.

He was like, Saib is

Sib's the fucking man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, we did the worst weekend in Syracuse.

Oh, wait, please cut that out.

I didn't realize.

No, no, no.

I should have assumed you guys knew that.

Tibbs, the fucking, dude, he's the man.

Yeah, yeah.

We love that guy.

Yeah, no.

I'm keeping that in because then people will go look for him.

Yeah, yeah, no, no.

I'll get it clean.

There's an L.A.

thing.

Wait, really?

Can we get that clean?

Yeah, yeah.

Guys, your room tone?

I'm about to do it.

I'm really about to do it.

So I was on my boy Saib's show the other night.

Shout out to Saiab Singh.

Go look him up.

Sayab Singh is fucking funny.

Hilarious, dude.

He's fucking funny.

We were about to go on stage, and he had just flown in, so he was just wiped.

Yeah.

And he was going, dude, LA crowds, I fucking, I just, every time I'm here and I go, I finally realize what it is, man.

I said, they're just too relaxed.

We're three hours behind on all political events.

Yeah.

We tune out of everything.

Yeah.

Like, people were finding out about Charlie Kirk at 2 p.m.

at

a shrimp restaurant.

And they're going, whoa.

That's intense.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

Vibes are off right now.

Honestly, yak, I don't want to talk about that right now.

And this is a man, by the way.

He's an investor in a tech company.

This is a grown man.

Yak, I don't want to talk about this.

Thanks, no thanks.

Ooh, that's uncomfortable.

You know, it's funny you say that because we got here to do a couple episodes of the podcast like before I'm doing the show.

We're starting the tour at Thursday at the United Theater.

Yeah.

And I was like thinking about going by the improv or the store and doing spots.

But then I remember that I have this like weird thing.

He's not wrong with LA crowds where they can throw me off.

Oh, yeah.

Where like, if I don't have a good set in front of an LA crowd, I'm like, I think Los Angeles hates me.

And then I'll like spiral.

So I just wanted to do the show on Thursday to be like, yo, it's just a show.

You're going to a theater, do a show.

It's not like

you're going to fuck with me.

No, bro.

Cause, because, you know, I've had plenty of bomb out here.

And the LA judgment when you're doing,

yeah, when you're trying to be ironic and do a molested bit in the middle of the night, and it's a 30% sold room, and Godfrey's the headliner.

Oh, yeah.

Shout out, Godfrey.

Yeah, shout out to Godfrey.

And then Godfrey's crowds going, actually, no, shout out to Godfrey's crowds.

Whenever I do that bit, there's always a 50-year-old black man in a very nice suit who goes,

I'm like, thank you, bro.

I used to do it.

That's so funny because I used to do a joke about my grand.

I still do it about my grandma dying and i've had old black women in the crowd and they go

they don't like it like talking about his grandmother like that

and i go i loved her

and one time at i remember this specifically at helium in st.

Louis, when I was doing the joke about my grandma asking what gluten was.

And in the joke, I kill her instead of explaining to her what gluten was.

There was a very old lady with her daughter in the front row.

And I was like working on the joke.

Like the joke wasn't finished.

And that room is close quarters.

That's what I mean.

She was literally up on me.

And I finished the joke.

And she just, to her daughter, goes, not loud.

I don't like this.

Like that.

And I went, oh, fuck.

And it got me.

That woman.

took me out of that show.

I was just like, fuck, dude.

I got to make this nicer.

That room, that room, you can hear each person's reaction to yourself.

Yeah.

It's like over here.

Yeah, yeah just one guy being like no

but that woman and she was by the way very polite she like had her head down she goes i don't like this

fuck that sucks honestly man i have like

i've always you know because you've given me so many compliments i'm like trying to be cool about it but like i've always looked to you to like learn how to be nice about a fucked up thing oh wow i've always looked up to you man because in that way yeah dude that means a lot to me me.

Yeah.

That means a lot to me because I think that's like one of my favorite things about stand-up comedy: you can really take some fucked up shit and make a room full of people laugh.

Oh, man.

Where you're like, usually, it destroys a lot of people, and you're like, oh, this is fucked up.

If anyone's good at it now, I will say this to eternity.

You are 1,000% the reason we know how to do that.

Oh, dude.

I'm not going to retain that.

I hate myself too much.

No, dude.

I'm going to be in a half hour being like, you suck.

I will, dude.

It was awesome.

I'm so glad you came on the podcast no man this is check out his special go to his youtube channel oh thank you man he's just hilarious on his own dude's podcast but also make sure you watch death is fomo thank you you got like seven bits in there where i was swinging at the air because i was like oh damn that's a good joke that is oh man that's big that's crazy man and but i'm also terrible at introductions noelle miller watch noelle miller

yeah we're at the end by the way they do that you see comments on the podcast we go intro your guest yeah they hate noelle Miller is fucking hilarious.

And if he's on your podcast, you better have a fucking snack.

Yeah, you better have a dirt cup, bitch.

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