104: Weak Ankles with Sal Vulcano | Soder Podcast | EP 102

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I love you and enjoy this episode of the podcast.

They're going like now.

Everyone's using AI too freely.

Well, this new, whatever that's

402.

and they're just making things.

I think this was legit the beginning of the end.

Can I tell you though?

No one tells you the end starts with a sugary, sweet taste.

Yeah.

Because when they were doing Biggie and Pac and WWF, I saw it.

I was like,

this is crazy, but good use.

And then you go, oh, oh, cool.

But I know when Biggie's in there,

he's like, oh, I'll go to Sey Sultan.

I was like, yes, yes.

And then it's so funny because

you wonder if you're like, every every time society collapsed was the beginning of it, like kind of awesome.

Everyone's like, this fucking rules.

And then you're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah.

Because Biggie Pac, great, but now it's too much.

Well, then I, well, after that, I ended up seeing like just every single.

celebrity that is dead or not in every situation.

Like, you know, I saw like, I saw Bruce Lee doing stand-up.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I saw Martin Luther King.

He's like, water.

Junior.

What's the deal with Water?

It bends.

It can crash.

It's in the same thing.

Yeah, they do Martin Luther King Jr.

doing stuff together.

And then I saw Muhammad Ali on Rogan, and I was like, and then I saw myself, and I was like, nah, this is not good.

Yeah,

they'll do like ones.

Lewis has been posting a lot of them.

I did text him.

I did text him when I saw him rollerblading on 9-11.

It was great.

I laughed at that.

Whoever made that?

Whoever made that.

Oh, Lewis did it.

No, he just requested it.

How that's even funny.

Someone just took the story from Legion of Skanks of Lewis rollerblading back to, I think it was Westchester or Rockville Center.

No.

Where was he?

Rockland County.

It's so funny when he gets on his rollerblades or his little one-foot-big skateboard.

Dude, I saw him get into it.

You know that?

Yeah, the banana board.

The skateboard that's the size of his own shoe.

Where's the banana board?

I thought the banana.

Is that a long?

That's like a mini banana board.

It's called a penny.

I don't know.

A penny board.

It's a penny board.

It's a penny board.

He was obsessed with it.

I saw Lewis get into an argument.

This is 15 years ago.

Into an argument with a cab driver in Rollerblades.

He was trying.

He was late and he was trying to get a cab.

And the cab driver was like, you're not getting in here with rollerblades.

And he was like, fuck you.

It was right outside the cellar.

After, you know what?

Every once in a while, he'll have a big, big, like one-on-one showdown with somebody.

That's great.

And that's why you have AI because now you can recapture it.

My dude.

You have a Rollerblade?

Oh, I tried in the

so you've owned them.

You owned them?

yeah i never can you believe i never even owned well you can believe it but i played hockey but i did the quad skates so you did old school rollerblade drop it clap yeah

like you might also find me at a roll of disco

could you still do it could you still boogie i i i i recently tried and and i i i'm happy to report no i cannot oh you're i want to get back into it i actually have been looking for skates i feel like once i get my groove back like stella yeah i that i can then become this guy have you ever gone the wiggler yeah the yes yes i need you wiggling and this is clapping there's a new skating rink in brooklyn and it's dope let me tell you it's so have you know you're not

it's so good but have you ever been and i mean just continue that have you ever been to central park and seen the outdoor roller skating escapade

that is there okay i've seen people roller blading and roller skating down the paths that the bikes go down, but I haven't seen that.

That ain't shit there.

You got to go deep into central parks.

No, this culture is thriving.

Really?

They do it.

And now, I guess with the cold, I don't know if the cold winter stops them.

I don't know if they like the post office.

I don't know.

You warm up roller skating.

I stumbled upon it.

I heard fat beats coming from somewhere.

Are these guys doing performances in roller skates?

No, this is open skating in a designated rink, not enclosed.

It's like they put up cones.

Great.

And there's a DJ.

Great.

And every walk of life, because it doesn't matter.

If you have were bitten by this culture, it doesn't matter that you all come together.

And it's all walks of life, ages, everything.

And these people, they only know one thing, and that's roller skating.

And that's all they care about.

And having a good time.

And having a good time.

But yes.

So they know two things.

Yeah, they know.

They know more than entry balance.

They know so many things.

So many breaking.

Breaking is real big.

So many things.

I couldn't never roll.

I could never roller skate.

Skate City was a.

This goes back to a core memory.

Yeah.

A birthday party.

Yeah.

Skating, a early 90s skate rink birthday party.

Yeah.

You go rent them, the brown ones with the orange wheels.

Where they were like, they were like dank.

Yeah.

And I put them in and there's older kids and they're flying by.

It's like being on a social highway.

Yeah.

You're like,

you got to know your role in there.

Ah.

You got to bring it on to me.

You bring it on to me.

But then the

circular, you know, the swinger seats that they had in an older rink where you sit and put your skates on.

Yeah.

All of it.

It was all carpeted, too.

Yeah, all the carpeted.

I love wall-to-wall carpeting.

I love it.

I mean, they really.

It's wall-to-wall carpeting.

And sometimes skate rinks even have like the walls of carpet.

Yes.

Well, that was a big thing for me.

Yeah.

Because getting on the skating rink, realizing I couldn't skate, I had to be one of those that goes around.

And then there was a wall of carpet where you had to like

to get it.

People are just fucking whizzing by you.

I do feel like, though, people,

you know, hold space for the people that can't

I believe the politeness is thin

and it wears out quick.

Okay.

I believe it's that one guy like with his hand behind his back like

showing off clearly showing off.

You have the extra long rollerblade.

Yeah.

You go, all right, XL rollerblade.

I don't need you here.

He looks like a snowshoe.

Yeah.

ZJ Apollo Ono.

Stop touching the ground as you turn the corner.

Yeah, something else is going on in his head while he's bobbing and weaving.

This is his domain.

Yeah, and he wants you to know it.

But everybody else.

Yeah.

I'm just a scared little boy grabbing the wall.

Yeah.

And I never learned how to skate.

So, so that's where I learned how to roll a skate.

It was called Starstruck.

It was Staten Island.

Yeah.

And this was like, you would hear like,

who's that?

Like,

give me tonight.

Yeah.

Then if you don't want to stay,

I'll give you all my give me tonight.

Little Sal just screamed at him.

You know, when I beat you, I was like, but

it's like, we started dancing and loving.

Oh, then you just had like rhythmic, like disco.

So I was learning, right?

So I remember my dad took me, but there was older kids, you know.

But you stay, you fall back, you get a hot pretzel, maybe some mustard.

Oh, man, you can get an icy.

Sometimes they got icy.

You get icy.

Shout out Skate City for having Mortal Kombat 2.

Yeah.

It was huge.

And I was all over the crane.

Oh, my Christmas.

I was leaving there with tons of stuff that was.

I didn't know how to skate, so I wanted as much time away from the ring as possible.

Yeah.

But you also had kids hooking up for the first time.

Oh, French.

It was a lot of Frenching.

A lot of tongues slamming

each other.

Yeah, exactly.

It was like, you go there and there's like a lot of things happening.

There's a lot of coming of age.

There's a lot of learning.

It's something that you and I talked about with Jay on the bonfire, but it feels similar to the Foot Clan hangout.

Yeah.

Turtles.

Yeah.

But you're on wheels.

Yes, yes.

It's the Foot Clan hangout on wheels.

On wheels.

So your dad took you.

How young are you?

Yeah, so at this stage, I'm in like middle school.

So I'm talking like maybe

fourth or fifth grade, something like that.

All right.

So you're like ninth.

It was before like, you know, people will like go in there and be like, my friend wants to go with you.

You know, you know, that, right?

Yeah.

So I remember like I, I, I got my bearings.

And

I know what golf is going to give me every time.

Pimp is there.

I got to appeal to him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're playing to the audience.

Yeah.

I know my audience.

Yeah.

Um, I got my bearings and I got a little hot with it, right?

And so I remember, I'll never forget that.

It ended up being a cool memory because I think I was mortified in front of the people and my own father.

So I skated around.

It was like some hot track on.

And my dad was at the end, like, you know, leaning on the outside, leaning, just watching me.

And I started skating toward him.

And I decided to crouch down, right?

So I crouched.

So I wasn't upright.

I lowered my hands.

And then I did double jazz hands.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Crouch down, double jazz.

Yeah.

And I was like showing him

the ground are you?

I was like, my butt was probably like.

So you dropped it all the way down.

I dropped it like, I would say, like, like eight inches to a foot from the ground, okay.

You know, and I was going all the way down,

I'm looking at him, and I'm going like this.

And like, I could even, it was from some freestyle song playing, right?

And then I just completely like both

as I got toward him with the wall, I realized I really didn't have any um stopping capabilities from that angle.

Oh, no, and so I just

slanted right into the wall in the middle of my chest.

Below him, like the

J car accident right below your father.

You're just crumpled and you're like, oh, you're saying, it's like when the blinker's still going off after accident.

Your hand's like,

it was exactly that.

I was like, beep.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Work out.

Your dad's like, just let him crash.

This is how the boy learns.

And then the horn keeps going at it, like, beep.

Dude, that's so funny.

Going like,

and you know the sound in hockey when they hit someone?

That was the sound.

And like everyone looked over there.

Ooh, that noise.

And I was like, there's no way I should have been doing.

Even at whatever age I was, I was like, the jazz hands wasn't a mistake.

No.

I'm showing off.

Dude, that's when

every kid does that.

They try to brag and then they eat shit.

And the smart ones learn immediately from their lesson.

You never do jazz hands again.

Ever, dude.

This was the first time I did them.

I was riding that day.

Oh, my God.

That day.

We were working through it.

And I almost thought I was going to fall.

Yeah.

You just slam into the wall.

You just keep slamming yourself like I am legend.

Like, ah, get back.

I remember riding my bike and then like trying to do, I was like,

one summer I was real confident about riding without my hands.

Yes.

So I could get going and then be like.

Oh, yeah.

The riding without the hands was big.

And you're like looking around and you get on the block and you're like,

I don't know.

Now, was this already where you had pegs and mags?

This is like right before then.

Okay.

This is right before then.

So you would.

It's before my mongoose.

Okay.

In seventh grade.

I got the mongoose in seventh seventh grade with my own money i'm no nepo baby nice uh dan mongoose i never got

mongoose

my father richard mongoose made the bmx fortune that you're aware of but sal huffy

finally the families are together we have to take like a gang photo like this where we go gt and mongoose families have connected the mongoose the the monogoos and the capulets are cool but i was uh like riding my bike you know no hands or whatever and then i like tried to hot shit do something

and i with my opponent i crossed my hands and i hit my brake brake and i just went

like that yeah in front of a group of friends and their siblings yeah you could die to the neighborhood yeah you could die yeah i just went you could die but little kids this is what saves them i always think this is what saves little kids is they get up so fast without recognizing the pain yeah it's almost like an eastern philosophy philosophy.

It's a pain.

If you do not accept the pain, the pain does not exist.

Because neighbor kids didn't see you fall.

I got up quick.

I remember scraping like my cheeks.

You didn't really fall.

And like I went, and I got up and I was like,

just wow.

I'll tell you, one of the worst roller blending ones I ever had.

Please.

Rollerblading, huge.

I mean, Mighty Ducks 2 comes out.

It took the nation by storm.

It was.

If not the world.

It was.

Blades.

It didn't exist before that, right?

Well, it did in the homosexual community.

Oh, yeah but outside of the homosexuals i remember even when the homosexuals didn't have them yes it was quads when i grew up until some like it's until like the mid like late 80s early 90s yeah early or even early 90s because i was i would i would say night i would tell you i think it stacks up with mighty ducks too i think mighty ducks right around

89 90s and then when they're rollerblading in that mall scene and you could go faster apparently i don't know i think you could but i never really truly learned i didn't have my feet set i would do the thing where I turn them in.

Yeah,

that's when I got on the ice.

What happened to me?

I turned them in.

Yeah, and you can't.

I had weak ankles.

I guess I have weak ankles.

Yeah.

Well, we now know the episode title.

Weak ankles.

Is weak ankles.

Yeah, they were fighting for my life.

Oh, yeah.

They went in.

I looked like a quad.

You're comfortable.

With the quad, just.

Your feet are on these aircraft.

You have two little tables with wheels.

Skitchers table with wheels.

That's all it is.

You think of it like that, like furniture.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

The blades were like blades.

Barstools.

You know, you can sit on a bar stool, but to do it, sometimes you have to lean weird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I would lean on my roller blades and I would push off, but it would look like a baby deer running.

Yeah, or like a new baby duck.

Like

you were trying to get your footing.

I couldn't get around, but then I eventually could get around, but I wasn't great at it.

And then ramps came into the play.

Not the veg.

Not the veg.

Right.

Because ramps right now, the veg are having something good.

They're having a moment.

Yeah, they're having a moment.

Good luck finding them at a decent market value.

You'll never do it.

But they, and my friends that are good at rollerblading love the ramp.

And they find the concept in the suburb of ramping into a front yard.

So you're landing on grass.

Yeah.

So they're doing stuff.

And my friends are like, they ended up becoming skaters.

So they're good.

They're pulling their legs.

They're jumping.

And I'm going.

They're going, come on, Soder, you got this.

And I was like, I don't know.

Don't you dig it on a ramp when your legs aren't even straight yet.

You need, you can't.

I never, I just took, put this right out, I never fuck with ramps.

Well, this is why I needed to live on the East Coast.

Because just the New York positivity, you said that, while also telling, you don't need the ramps.

Yeah.

In Aurora, they were like, bro, fucking jump, sir.

And I fucking,

I went,

and I went off the ramp, but I didn't jump.

I just went.

Yeah.

And I didn't know that when you go off a ramp, you have to, it's timing the jump.

Yeah.

You have to, I just.

You still have to bend and jump.

I thought you just went.

I too.

I was like, it was like, I had Hot Wheels brain.

Yeah.

Where I was like, if you just drive it, it flies off.

I thought you were going to enter the ramp and the ramp was going to do the rest.

Exactly.

Yeah.

No, that wasn't.

Exactly.

And honestly, I know that's false ramp logic,

but we're in the post-truth era.

Maybe I am right.

But I never really even put thought into that until right now.

Yeah.

You know?

But this is the reason I knew it because I went and I didn't jump.

I just went up and I came right down.

Straight down.

And I had wrist guards on.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

So you even, but you were outfitted.

I had the wrist guards.

That was the one rule my mom was like, because I was 11.

She's like, you can rollerblade, but you need wrist guards.

I would love to see an 11-year-old soda with wrist guards on going up the bed.

Going side feet.

Side feet down the street.

Yeah.

Shout out Nassau Drive.

And then I landed and, you know, the little, the, because the wrist guards had a little bump on them.

Yeah.

Do you remember that?

No, I didn't.

Now you put the wrist guards in, they they held your wrist, but on the inside on your palm, there was like a little bump.

Okay.

I don't know what the bump was for.

Maybe if you landed, it wouldn't bent, but there was a bump nonetheless, a big plastic bump.

And I went off the ramp, and my hand went right here when I landed on the grass.

So that bump was right under my solo plunge.

And so when I landed, I went, you knew.

And then I'm like, I, dude, Ryan Hamilton Hamilton used to have the best joke about getting the wind knocked out of you because you do think you're going to die.

And you're like,

and they're like, what did you do?

They're all, they're disappointed in me and I'm injured.

Yeah.

Which sucks because you're just like,

we were.

And then that was it.

Guys, if you have listened to my show, I've, I've, um,

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I remember the first time I got the wind knocked out of me, I didn't understand what was happening to me.

You think you're dying.

I have a scar from it still under my chin.

Oh, yeah.

Hair doesn't grow right here.

Yeah, it's a fucking gnarly one, dude.

It's across your whole bottom.

It's like a line.

Yeah.

I don't know if you can see it past it.

Do you see it?

Yeah.

It's actually pretty prominent even with like

Yeah, yeah, even with scruff you can see it.

I just I

I might have been on no, I know what I was doing

So my I was at my my my stepmom.

We went to the supermarket.

She went in.

I stayed in the car.

Dangerous.

Yeah.

But this is why smartphones are good.

Yeah.

Because now kids just look at their phones.

Right, right, right.

No, no, no.

I got out of the car.

I got out of the car.

I got a fucking

car.

I got you ready to go.

Free race.

We grew a free race.

You didn't have a phone.

You were like, oh, I got time.

I don't know what she's going to do.

I was an organic chicken that day.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

So you get out of the car.

I got out.

I shouldn't have.

How old are you?

I'm going to put this again somewhere right around that time.

I wasn't making smart decisions at this time, apparently.

No.

So she went in.

She also might have had CTE from the roller race.

She might have had it.

You could have have dark spots on your brain for crashing in front of your father.

So she went in.

I remember waiting a bit before I got out, but I don't know, but it called me.

So, you know, when you're at the supermarket, when you come out, maybe not at every supermarket, but at this one in this...

time of my life this was common they would have like up these gates where you couldn't get the um the cart past those things so they would all like restricting things yeah they would have up like these black poles that were like boxes that like almost looked like a gate a fence and you can get your body through there but not the cart

right so you could so that people couldn't bring the cart into the parking lot or steal them because back then people stole carts like nobody's business the hobo market for them yeah every kid had a i mean it was like i don't know people just took carts when someone showed up in the neighborhood with a shopping cart yeah you were like We lived by grocery warehouse.

And I remember someone popping up with like a blue grocery warehouse with white riding, shopping cart.

And you're like, so we're going to go down hills in this.

And immediately like, do you guys all want to attempt attempt to break our necks your balls are immediately blown off it's awful you're like this is amazing like that we are we are in possession of it's a car yeah it's a car it's like they pulled up in a car they pull up in a car the only other feeling that ever gave me that besides a car was someone pulling up in a go-kart yeah that someone's uh stepdad made and they're like

and they come around and you're like you're flying but the cart is like we're not we're gonna go down hills yes we're gonna crash this thing we're gonna crash with it yes into things we're going to jump out of it yeah jumping out was big jumping out of it was big we would put it keep it where we would hide it in someone's yard oh we'd even use it to transport things yes we'd we'd cover all functionality everything yeah it truly was the modern era wagon trail yeah it was the wagon wheel and they weren't i don't know when i was doing it too they weren't plastic yet they were all metal Yeah, okay, that's interesting.

They were all.

This is the age difference.

Yeah.

I got plastic, but I got that late 80s fat plastic.

Yeah, the fat plastic, yeah.

Fat plastic, skinny plastics in now.

Yeah.

We had those big-bodied plastic back in the late 80s.

Fat shit.

Even the football helmets were fat.

Indestructible.

Indestructible.

Yeah.

But so you are in the store.

She went in the store.

So I got it.

So what I did was, so they had all those gates up, but then at the foot of them, they had these like metal poles that you'll still see today.

Yeah.

And then there were chains

connecting the metal poles so you couldn't get through with the chain, right?

And I was like,

I saw those and I said, those look like hurdles.

That's a fun thing to hurdle.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

So they were poles with chains linking like four or five poles in a row.

And so I got out of the car and I walked to the front of the thing and I just started running and jumping over them like hurdles.

Were you in the car?

No, I just want to follow the thought process.

Yes.

So you're in the car, right?

Turn in the radio, got got nothing.

I saw the car was off.

Okay.

So then you look over and you go, I could jump that.

Yeah.

I saw the chain and I was like, that would be fun to run and jump.

This is what.

Yeah.

Now we did the

positive of phones.

This is the negative of phones because you only have that energy.

young when you're very young yeah of let's see how fast i can take this body yeah let's see how high i can jump this body yeah let's see what kind of damage this body can take and i can get back to be fair i just thought i was going to jump it you just thought you were over here never in my plans was getting the wind knocked out of me was there any fantasy of someone coming outside going you can really jump those chains

i'm sure there was like a subconscious reason my head i was just going to be

i was buying groceries you're very good at jumping those hurdles yeah i think flow joe was big around that time yes like the olympics and stuff and i was like i'm gonna i had track and field on nintendo all right who didn't you know by the way you can run if you're a fucking fool or you sit on the ground and do it with your hands Yeah, or you buy a turbo control and push one button and then light the fucking light up the Olympics that's PED

used to be so funny to see their little legs go at hyper speed But they do still hear the pitter pad like when they're running

Yeah, yeah, and I would really feel like I would take some of that on like I'm fucking fast.

Yeah, dude.

So you have to prove it.

Yeah.

So you're that way where I just I'm catching your mindset and it all makes I'm like this is track and field right now in my neighborhood.

I've been training at home with Nintendo.

Let me show the people of Staten Island what I can do.

I do it there.

I can do it here.

Yes.

And I got out and I remember, I'm pretty sure.

Actually, I'm pretty sure I never achieved it.

I'm pretty sure it was the first jump.

No.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Now that I'm thinking of it, because I,

yeah, because it was too high.

What was the...

Oh, so it was?

The chain was too high.

Did you measure twice and cut once or did you just try it?

I just tried it.

That's there it is.

I I just tried it.

Yeah, because that's a lesson.

Because then you go, next time I'm going to stand next to it.

I'm going to look how high it is.

Dude, I ran and jumped and my foot clipped it.

So if you imagine this is the chain and I go to jump it and my foot clips it, dude,

this is my foot.

I clip it.

I went down like this.

Yeah.

Just, I mean, my foot stayed up on the chain and I just went.

Oh.

I hit the cement.

Oh.

Chin first.

Oh, right there.

Right there.

And literally, all the wind got knocked out of me.

Now, I had never experienced this sensation before.

Getting the wind knocked out of you because your head contact is crazy.

Exactly.

Yeah, and my chin.

So I just literally remember feeling like I went to go breathe and I couldn't breathe.

And like, I, like, a little bit of panic set in.

And I'm like, that stays with you for like a good too long.

Like, like 30 seconds.

One time Joe List explained to me.

When he was telling me the shitting in the girl's shoes story, one of the first times I heard it.

That he shitting it.

Yeah.

He explained that he was so drunk he woke up in an apartment and he didn't know where he was and i go i've done that he goes not for five minutes and he goes you worry and he's like oh yeah yeah yeah count out

yeah count out five minutes that's a long time to not know where you are it's an eternity yeah yeah and when you're doing that you're like it's been an hour and i can't breathe yeah and then i i i like it couldn't even move my body not just breathe how much did you feel the blood so there was so much blood so but i didn't know at first so my chin was down so i was there and i just was like struggling and riding a little and like i i i finally gathered myself to like put my hands in front of me and like try to get up with my knees and when i didn't see it at the grocery store i i don't know if anyone saw it actually happen that i can't recall but someone rushed over to me the second i got up because blood just started pouring out of my chin when you picked yourself up just pouring out and someone ran over to me opened their bag and ripped open their paper towels right and then gave me a big batch of paper towels.

And I put it on.

And that was also burning.

And like, this hurt really.

Gravel.

Yeah, gravel.

Yeah.

You got to wash that out.

Yeah.

That's like rocks.

It was like, yeah, there was shit in there and everything.

Oh, my God.

And so I just put it on.

And, you know, I don't remember.

I don't remember after that.

Like, I don't remember like my, I don't remember when my stepmom coming out and seeing it.

I think the reaction, if you're the stepmom, now that I'm in my 40s and I'm assessing this, if I'm the stepmom, come out immediate to panic immediate panic fear hope you're okay also it's not your kid yeah

so there is like I would say there's more pressure sure if it's your kid you're sadder and you're more upset if it's your stepson you're more like fuck this is on my record it feels more like a dui than it does

to be fair i don't think there was any fear of that like i just like i don't remember it i just i just i wonder if i got back in the car go to the hospital no and and i and i never got stitches and so that's why it healed all weird it's like if i really show you if you can see there's like a line i don't know yeah no i can see it perfectly yeah it's very it's very prominent yeah right under your chin yeah dude it is i'm gonna tell you right now the falls that get you are the one where your feet are taken out from under you and you're when i was when i turned 21 i was downtown denver and we were i was coming down the stairs of a bar and tried to lift my foot over like a homeless guy was playing guitar and i was like trying to get out of the way.

And I lifted my foot back instead of up and over.

Instead of going forward and over, I went back and I was so drunk I went face first into the ground and it fucking split my eye open.

But then you get up and then it's the warm where you go, what's that worm?

Yeah.

And you're like, oh,

oh my gosh.

She was drunk.

I was pulsing blood.

Yeah.

So you don't even go to the hospital?

I didn't.

I didn't.

What?

You just go home and they're like put ice on it?

I guess so.

from what i recall yeah you heal good though you think so yeah that's pretty clean it's like adamantium yeah you're like

you healed up in front of your stepmom

your son has the ability to heal telling your stepdad

my uncle charles xavier can help it

oh i was just complaining about jeans i guess you know where to drop this i read

but honestly the perfect jean i just need to go buy like six of them because they are soft like sweatpants and then they fit good.

It took me a while to find the perfect gene, but when I did, I was like, you know what?

I'm going to order a couple of these because they don't crush your nuts.

They don't sag like a dipee.

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Now, let's get back into us complaining about genes.

Yeah,

I think that's like the thing about phones that.

I know a lot of parents like it because you can always track where your kids are.

But there is something like about

that stuff happening and then you having to come home and tell your parents you fucked up yeah yeah yeah yeah and then you learn a lesson in real time yeah as opposed to like them stopping stuff sometimes it's better to have stuff happen so that you can explain what it is yeah so that it doesn't happen right i still have scars on my knees from like playing like you know football in a parking lot and falling and getting all the like the um like the tar and stuff in there like there's like black marks on my knees and stuff i've never been a beacon of fashion yeah but in elementary school it was wild It was Hulk Hogan Target shirts and sweatpants.

It was just a real matted hair, just not a good look.

Trish tried, but she worked a lot.

So I got out of that house looking wild sometimes.

I got out, especially with Zubed pants blowing up and shit.

I had a wild look at like 1992.

And, dude, I remember.

You know, school, you would line up before school and you're like class lines and then everyone would go in.

I remember my first day ever of lining up.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I got stuff.

I I got to go.

But when you're all outside, right?

And this is Colorado.

This is when shit would freeze.

So it's winter.

Yeah.

Everyone's outside and it's frozen.

And my friends, the ones that are better at rollerblading, this is before then.

Yeah.

They're running and they're jumping on ice and they're sliding.

So they're like, they're going on their feet and they're sliding.

And it looks.

It's when you pull it off, it's wonderful.

Oh, dude, it looks so cool.

Yeah.

Chris and it's like when those people run like on a puddle with the wakeboard or something like that.

It's like, you know,

that's exactly what it is.

And everyone's like, oh it's fourth or fifth grade but it's ice yeah and i'm like i'm too scared to try the foot thing so i run and then i go on my knees to slide

along there yeah and it just goes

because it was so thin it just fucking tears my sweatpants and i still have scars on my knees because my knees were so bloody yeah and i had to go into school and i remember picking out pebbles oh yeah being like oh man it was just like they were like are you right only one side ripped but the other one when i like lifted it up because i could feel it oh dude and you sometimes oh you're bleeding underneath and it gets stuck to the yes yes dude like pulling i think i was wearing like i guarantee i think i kind of remember the outfit it was purple sweatpants and a mighty duck shirt yeah like uh an anaheim mighty duck because they had the sickest gear yeah when the ducks i mean i was like all bets were off yeah i'm not a charlotte hornet guy yeah yeah i'm not tough enough to pull that up

those are for girls getting fingered and guys getting in fist fights yeah i need a mighty ducks I'm still a little bit of a boy at this point.

Yeah, the ducks.

So, yeah, lining up for schools.

Do they still do that?

I think they, yeah, they do.

Yeah.

Good.

Well, I remember my first day of kindergarten.

I remember it, dude.

You remember it?

I remember it.

Why?

Because of the pressure?

I remember.

Well, I remember two things.

One, I didn't want my mom to leave.

Okay.

Because in preschool, I remember the first day of that too.

My dad took me in his light blue Chevy Nova.

Shout out to Axel Foley.

Yeah.

He took me with his cousin George, and they brought me in, and it was like alphabet land, it was called.

And I went in and I was like, like the whole time, like, you're not leaving me, right?

And he was like, No, I'm not leaving you.

I'm like, Right, because we're gonna go with it, but you're not leaving, right?

Because at that point, you're spending every day with your parents.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I never really broke away from him.

He's like, No, no, I'm not leaving you.

And then we get in there, right?

And we get in there, and I, and you know, I'm talking to the teacher, and I turn or whatever.

He, the guy's gone.

That's crazy.

And I just started crying.

Like, I was crying my eyes out.

Of course.

Yeah.

Your best friend is hurting.

And it hurts you.

I remember they played, like, we played three little pigs, and then the teacher wanted to stop me from crying.

So she built this big house made of wooden blocks, And I was the wolf.

So I blew that shit down.

But then he came back later, and I was like, to this day, I tell him, like, you scarred me.

Like, I'll never forget it.

You still feel it?

You said you weren't leaving, and you did.

Another thing he did to me one time was one cookie left in the cookie jar.

And he came and he took it out.

And I was like, oh, I want that cookie.

I was a kid or whatever.

My dad's like, no, you want it?

And he goes, I want to show you a magic trick.

And he spun around.

And as he spun around, he put it in his mouth.

And when he spun back around, he didn't have it.

And then he was like, and I was like, what the hell is this?

That's not a magic trick at all.

That's cruelty.

I just, you ate it.

Like, this isn't even funny it's not funny to me it's not funny hey it's not funny you ate that last cookie it's abuse yeah i don't have a license i can't go get more cookies what's going on here you fucked don't assert dominance what did you do you could have gave me i'm your son there was only one cookie left who is this for yeah mom you already married she was right there she didn't laugh either yeah okay you suck you struck it out dad so i was on hyper alert for first day of kindergarten so because you're like i've never left before so now the the line i wrote or maybe okay so so maybe um so the first day of kindergarten i remember because my mom brought me to this one and then she said she wasn't gonna leave me what's up with with them?

Why can't they find a new strategy?

I don't know.

There was eight tables, four kids at a table.

I'll never forget because it was in alphabetical order.

And so I was sitting at the last table and my mom was like, I'm not going to leave him.

Like, all right, don't.

And then when I went in, she started to walk away.

And I literally, you know, I remember like

having

self-awareness to not like cry or plead in front of everybody because, you know,

a little older.

You already lost.

Closer to five or whatever.

And so I remember I just went, mom, and she, and she was around around, and she was still

like, you said you weren't going to leave.

And she goes, I'm not.

And she kept walking, like, she kept going to the door.

I'm like, mom.

And I remember I went, don't leave.

She's going, I'm not.

You're going crazy.

I'm just backing up towards the door.

And then she fucking left.

At what point did you realize she was still going?

Was it when she like walked out the door?

Like, who are you talking to?

I'm not, I'm not.

I see you walking.

You're not even breaking stride.

As you're telling me you're staying.

Like, treat me with a little bit more intellectual respect, buddy.

Watch out, I'm just stepping back over here, but the lights were already been duped with this, okay?

Dude, it's crazy they did it twice.

Yeah, that's crazy.

So, and I remember I walked over and sat down at my table, alphabetical order.

I was sitting next to this kid, Frank Santonello.

And as soon as I walked over, he was rapping.

I'll never forget it.

He was like, table number eight is great.

The best, the best, the best.

And he started beatboxing.

Sal's mom left,

says she wasn't leaving.

You go, I like that.

You take real life and you turn it hard.

Yeah,

that's a part of like,

how do you do that?

How does anyone execute that?

I don't know.

How do you leave your kid at daycare?

I brought my daughter to her first like twos program, and it was hard.

Like the first, she was going two days a week.

And the first like month and a half, every time she'd cry.

And I'd have to just be there and be like, I'm leaving, but I'm coming back.

That's the way to go.

I think in the 80s and 90s, they didn't

tell you they were coming back.

They just punky Bruce did.

They went like, just learn it.

An old rich British guy is going to help help you.

I don't want this.

I don't want a Mr.

Belvedere.

And I remember being that day, like, not feeling like I had to get acclimated.

So I wanted everyone.

Like, I was like, so I started prom.

I love this.

I started promising every girl that I'd buy them a puppy.

That's great.

I've got popular fast.

Dude, you're like the mayor of preschool.

I was like, I'll get you a puppy.

I'm going to get you a puppy too.

We own a puppy farm.

What do you want?

I had no means and I had no access to puppies.

And they were believing you.

Yeah, they were believing me fully.

There's a woman walking around right now styling.

I've been being tricked since I was a little girl.

I remember I was in kindergarten and

promising me shit.

Promised me a tour.

Never got a torque.

And I'm upset about it.

Motherfuckers run their mouth.

And that's why I set my boyfriends on fire when they're sleeping.

You're not going to fucking hurt me a long day.

You're not going to fucking hurt me.

You're not promising me no fucking torque.

You're disappearing on me.

I've been here before.

I'm motherfucker.

This is how I was made.

That's how I come down to it.

Yeah, that's wild.

Promising kids shit.

Dude, I remember

like the way you would lie as a kid was what your birthday party was about to be like.

Like, I remember kids being like, dude, we're going to, we're going to go to Discovery Zone and we're getting like McDonald's.

And you're like, you're getting McDonald's at your birthday party?

He's like, yeah, I'm getting cheeseburgers.

And then you go to be just shitty cake and ice cream.

I mean, Discovery Zone always rocked.

Right.

But you, or there was a place in Denver called Big Fun where it was like leather straps you'd climb.

It was called the spider web.

Very dangerous.

Yeah.

That's also was the better part, too, is you learned how pliable your neck was because of these places.

Sure, kids got injured, but a lot of kids also learned that they could take a hit.

Yeah, they still have these places because

they have them.

And a lot of them feel unsanctioned.

Yeah.

Where is the governing body of these places?

I just went to the Liberty Science Center, which sounds like it should be the most accredited place.

Liberty Science.

I believe a school should be behind it.

They built a spider web from the roof that you got on from the fourth floor.

Parents aren't allowed in it.

It's all netting and

it's big.

It's really big.

And these kids are like jumping around in there.

Thank God she didn't hit the height requirement.

Because I was like, you're going to like, I lock up.

My legs lock up with heights.

Like,

I would have had to go in there and get her out of the spider web.

By the way, they built these things.

Yeah.

Like you said, it's like four stories up.

Yeah.

And it just is, it's, I've seen it online.

Dude, there's kids jumping around there like, no, it's no big deal.

Yeah, little lost boys.

Yeah.

Just running around.

Of course, adults kick it in there.

Because what would happen is an adult, like me at a roller rink, would grab the side of the wall and then I would compromise the structure.

Yeah, did I?

And then kids would start spilling out of it like fucking like crumbs out of a pocket.

They just start fucking dipping out.

I don't

trust the giant rubber bands put together.

I don't trust netting on, yeah, no, because there's like uh, you'll see that on Instagram where they'll be like, check out the play place.

I built, I love like home restoration shit that's in my algorithm, and people remind me to send you a link of this guy, this house I saw yesterday.

It's got like 70 million views.

The guy made his house into a fun house, right?

I, I, I, I, I mean, I, as soon as we're done with this, I love um productive content, His name is

Justin Flom.

Great.

I've been following what pops up in my algorithm.

Dudes

doing landscaping for old people.

Shit hits.

Old man comes outside.

He's like, what do you want?

Oh, like, just roll up.

Yeah, he rolls up.

He's like, hey, man, I want to go.

I'll do this.

Gotta love it.

More of that.

He's like, more of that.

And then what they do is they do the time lapse where it's like,

you watch him edge and you watch them pull out all the weeds and then you wanna clear it.

Very satisfying.

Very satisfying.

And it feels good.

Now at the end, you go, look at this guy's clean yard.

Yeah, it's really nice.

I know he'll fuck it up because his wife died five years ago.

Have you ever seen these?

I feel like they're like,

I don't know what country, I forget what country.

My cousin showed me this.

They're like indigenous people, but they make like literal rooms out of clay.

Like right away.

Like, no, they work like all night and they make like a four-bedroom home with a fountain out of clay.

They dig with their hands.

Yes.

And they mold it.

It looks like literally it looks like an architect drew up plans and a contractor designed it.

And they just do it with their hands and they put in like pools in there.

And have you seen this?

It's fascinating to watch.

And they do time lapses.

Dude, they just go into a big area with mud and they just start digging down like I'm not like 15, 20 feet.

They make stairwells and it's all in one sitting they just sit there meticulously and they form the thing and then it solidifies and they put candles in there they go to sleep it's it's unbelievable i want you to put on i almost want you to put on sunglasses and i'll grab a metro card to give you my hot take yeah

we're just gonna do our own we don't need hot take we have hot take at home uh we have subway takes at home i think the i think the internet should only be informative and not social i believe socially socializing on the internet internet should be banned because it's not helping you and your community.

And I think informative stuff, like how to build stuff and that stuff.

You came to the right guy.

Yeah.

I don't want to, I want the exact same thing.

I want to strip people away of the rights to socialize.

No comment sections, no nothing.

Nothing.

But if you're in the comment section, go off.

Just immediately.

Comment if you agree, though.

Yeah, nail those comments down on me.

But it is indigenous shit.

Knocked the wind out of this show.

But it really is.

I feel like we would do so much better if we weren't socializing online and we were only being informed of like stuff.

And like, yes.

Because the socializing is what screws it all up.

Because you can find anybody to have the same opinion you have.

You don't have to go into it.

It's just a fucking mess.

But go to a roller rink.

Yeah.

Get scared by kids whizzing past you.

1760 roller skating?

Wow.

Can you bring up a photo of that?

They must have have thought that person was a witch

he moves he glides

glides all the streets

like a ship through water he glides burn him he had wheels sir

he had his own wheels he can't breathe

oh my god also dude what a gay ass

for it is i edward roller skate

Hell boys.

He was murdered.

Yeah.

But you can't put your penis in my butt.

Catch me by them.

Shout out to him, dude, because they aren't roller skates.

These are motherfucking rollerblades.

This is a one-line.

That guy was definitely like, he was frowned upon and the coolest person anyone ever saw.

Yeah.

It says he revealed it at a dinner party.

Really?

Oh, he knew what he was doing.

He knew what he was doing.

He had that on his calendar.

He knew what he was doing when he rolled up to the spot.

He's finishing his dinner and he goes.

Give me a second.

I have something to show you.

One second.

He's strapping him in.

Who's going?

Who's down for some post-dinner hijacking?

Ah,

clear the floor, please.

Remove all the carpets.

I'll need you to sit for this.

I'm coming down the hall.

He goes,

I haven't figured out stopping yet.

He just goes by.

Whoa!

Yeah, that's got to be nuts.

That's a dinner party.

How's the dinner party with the fragrances?

And you go, you can move on the ground in a way that I've never seen before.

Not to overshadow the mutton.

Lovely, Gravy.

Yeah, dude.

Also,

cha-cha-cha.

I call them robot skates.

They go, uh, I don't know.

You skate by like ice.

Ha ha.

Anyways, don't shave your pubic hair.

God will be mad.

Yeah, dude, that's wild.

I didn't know they went that far back.

And it's crazy.

It took

it took until the 80s for Rollerblades.

Yeah.

We're like talking 100 years before someone.

And I didn't even conceive of them until I saw them.

Like, I was like, what is this?

Dude, I'm telling you, those speed skate ones, the ones we were talking about, the guys that had the extra long ones, those motherfuckers could move.

They cook.

When they would do those races, you'd be like, this is what I'm here for.

Yeah, they're probably going like 40, 50 miles.

I don't know.

But when they would wipe, the craziest ones were the guys that, and I feel this way about ice skating.

Like when we're in Chicago, Katie's brother grew up playing hockey.

So he's like still awesome at skating.

Yeah.

We'll go watch.

He's in like a league.

And we'll go watch games.

It's actually awesome.

They got a bar there.

It's fun.

People get beers.

Yeah, we get popcorn and just get stoned and sit in an ice rink and watch people play hockey.

I'd like to go to that.

It's great.

They have a couple of places in Chicago, but

he'll like move in a way on ice skates that in my mind I'm like there's no way I could do that there's no way I could like turn around and continue it's like the ultimate chewing bubblegum and walking yeah you see sometimes you see a move and you see it with your own eyes but you don't understand

how the body is performing it.

Yeah, that's how I felt about the first time I had sex.

I had no idea.

I had no idea.

I kind of knew about it.

I knew how the body's supposed to move.

and then you take you know 23 years to find out you're not doing it right

and you go no no this wasn't it at all i i think like um

i wish i there's stuff like when i go back in my head i wish i would have tried to have learned how to roller skate like i wish i would have actually like i think i bailed but you can still do that like i want to learn an instrument and another language

no insurance yeah well language they say that your brain's like closed like your daughter can learn language but i don't know if you can she's already she talks in Spanish and Russian already as well.

Yeah, really, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not fluent, okay, but she knows words, it's not just like Spanish is the most valuable, it's the dumbest thing I ever did was in middle school when you picked.

I went, French, hot girls, French, hot girls speak French, and then you're like, the hottest girls speak Spanish, nobody's doing French, the hottest girls speak Spanish, yeah, learn Spanish, yeah, it'll just make you a dude.

When I went to the University of Arizona, there used to be this place called Los Bedos, it was just in Tucson.

Shout out everyone that came out the Rialto.

I drove by it.

It's a different burrito place, but Los Bedos was like by campus.

It was this scene on Friday nights because it was 24 hours.

So you go in at like 12.30 or like 1 and everyone would be blacked out and you'd just be waiting in a line of blacked out people that want burritos.

My friend Jay, we go in.

He speaks fluent Spanish.

He goes, watch this.

He just goes up to, because it's like Mexican, Mexican.

They're not speaking any English.

And he goes up and just in Spanish is like, hey, I know all these fucking white kids are waiting in line, but like, really, me and my friend just want two breakfast burritos.

And in Spanish, they're like, absolutely, we've got you coming up next.

And then you just get your burritos and you leave and you're like, oh, man, I wish I knew Spanish.

Yeah.

I have a problemo with this poor fellow.

That's that microcin.

That microcine where he's like, I'm allergic to dairy.

Un piquito.

But it was like he's fluent.

So he walked in and it was like, man, that was so valuable.

I was conversational at one point when I was in high school taking it and both living with my Spanish grandparents.

Okay.

And then I went to Cancun with my friends and I was the go-between between the local gals and them.

And granted, it was fragmented, but

I had enough in me to carry the night.

You're a child.

For everybody.

Yeah.

I was like, you and you next.

And I was like, you know, giving like, you know.

I'm matchmaking.

Yeah.

My one friend, they thought he was,

they thought he he was someone from in sync, one of my friends.

And so my friend.

How old are you guys?

My friends just went with it.

It was like,

I want to say it was, well, no, this was this one, this particular one was Acapulco, and the trip was 2001.

Shout out.

I think we were.

Which you can't even go to Acapulco anymore.

They'll just cut you into pieces, I think.

Really?

Yeah, it's not a destination.

Remember the show Acapulco Heat?

I know that name.

Yeah.

Yeah, you do.

I know that name.

I'm going to bring up a trailer for you.

Yeah.

And what you're going to do is you're going to remember.

Yeah.

Acapulco Heat.

Yeah.

Acapulco Heat.

I'm pulling this up on YouTube.

We'll put it right below us.

Acapulco was Cancun before Cancun was Cancun.

And it was big in the summer.

Acapulco.

You found it?

I mean, I just found a big cover.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what you want, though.

Acapulco.

That's what you want.

Acapulco Heat.

Let's see if they have a trailer.

Honestly, I hear that name.

I'm watching.

You know what I mean?

Sexy.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Ooh.

Showgirls.

Dude.

Wild horses, fast cars, governments.

Everything you need.

Yeah.

Everything you need.

I'm already sold.

And the cast was stacked.

Catherine Oxenberg.

Tell me where you get more of her.

Computers, early computer surveillance, Humvees, pineapple drinks, Brendan Kelly.

This guy, everyone's holding two pistols and shooting at the same time, like Lara Croft.

Because that was early 90s, dude.

Allison Armitage.

Kaboz.

Grace.

Spencer Rock.

Oh, this is.

This is...

I mean, it's...

You can't...

even satirize this.

I bet you could skate to this.

Oh, yeah.

I love a deep vocal house music, you know?

Like, a strong black woman with a deep register.

Church voice.

She goes on them runs.

She goes on them runs.

I feel it in my folds.

Dude, they did a little karate, too.

Of course they did.

I'll tell you right now, I'm going to go watch that.

Oh, he's just doing outside karate for no one else.

Yeah, just

with the beach behind him like that as the sun's setting.

Yeah, that's how you do the karate.

They were so acapolitis.

That's how you do karate.

Sucked.

But, man, I'll tell you right now, if you were starting to get boners, the show ruled.

That was it.

even just in the, that was the intro to the show, I saw at least six bucks in bosoms.

Telling you right now, big fake titties on a tanned lady.

Yeah.

It was all that show was about.

11-year-old dad was all about it.

You ever go to like the school or the neighborhood fair?

And you would play like those carney games?

But when I was young, but they used to give you like, there was a time where this was all the rage, whether it was a sports player or like a woman cleaning a car in a bikini or like fixing a car with oil on her.

and she had on daisy dukes with like a bikini top and it was a glass it was a framed glass poster in like some really cheap like gold like plastic frame and i had those my room was lousy with them i had them i love it because i because most statin island italian thing you could do outside a bunch of meat pictures on your you go look at that look at that broad yeah you go look at that broad good night other hot broad good night hot broad dude my friend my friend tony had one

Like a girl in a Lamborghini.

Yes, dude.

I think it was a Budweiser or something, and they had mesh jerseys with the bottom boob sticking out.

The first time I saw it in his room, I stopped and admired it like it was a painting.

Like it was the most.

He stopped, and I was like, what is that?

He goes, oh, it's my Budweiser poster.

And you're like,

I need a moment.

This is completely changing my DNA.

Under boob?

Under boob.

That was the first time I saw under boob.

Fascinating.

And I went, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's the bottom.

Yeah.

It's the top.

I remember the first time I saw that.

Is

inverted.

Yeah.

I remember the first time I saw that.

And I remember the first time in the woods, we found a porn magazine.

Why was there so much porn in the woods?

Conspiracy theorists, where are you?

Yeah.

What was up with the amount of porn in the woods in the 80s and 90s?

If you walked.

70s, 20s, 60s, probably.

If you entered the woods, you would find it.

And then you walked where I was from.

If you walked for, I would say

under two minutes.

You would find a porn magazine in the woods.

If I were doing detective work on it,

I would say the motivator of the person that put the porn there, they wanted to get deep enough into the woods for coverage.

Yeah.

But fast enough to get down to business.

Yes.

But then to

get there.

Well, you call me disgusting.

Are they paying it forward?

Like, you don't hold on to that?

Old Japanese culture.

When done coming, leave more for some.

The person who needs to find this was going to find this.

I've planted this for the next generation of horny little boys.

I remember it backfired because one time by, I used to have to go to this athletic club that was like, had a daycare center.

Shout out Cherry Creek Athletic that also became Heartwood.

But it was a place for like, it's gone now.

It's a mosque.

A lot of people in my old neighborhood have a problem with that.

Luckily some Islamophobia and Aurora.

But I would get left there every day.

I would go there

after school.

Yeah.

And then during the summer, that's where I would hang.

That's where you were.

My mom would drop me off when she was on her way to work and I'd just be there all day.

But it was an athletic club, so there's people working out and shit.

But sometimes we'd go free range because they would have our eyes on us.

And we could go, we'd climb around in the bushes.

And one time in the bushes at the athletic club, we found a gay magazine.

A gay magazine?

Gay Mag.

First time.

Gay Mag in the Bush.

In the bush.

Yeah.

Closeted.

Gay Mag.

remember being like

under 10 seeing it and going like guys can't have sex with guys like that was like my whole thing is i was like what is this this isn't real and then going like oh i just remember it was a dude like strapped to a table with a boner but it was like a cartoon and i was just like I don't fuck with this.

I just remember being like, I don't know what this is.

I'm not down with this shit.

And I threw it.

And then the first time we found like

a naked woman, I remember being like,

like, gollum.

I was like,

I was a business precious.

That's how I know gay isn't a choice.

It's because I saw it and I went, whatever that nonsense is.

And then I saw Titties and I was like,

and they're like, what are you looking at, Dan?

I'm like,

I loved it, dude.

Yeah.

Shout out to Adam Hill for never getting mad at me for taking his Cinemax tape when I first saw it.

Yeah.

Because that was the next evolution.

That was.

Or the watching the TV

scroll up or whatever.

Shout out Mitch Clary, had a black box.

I don't know if it's illegal to unveil in 2025, but I just saw him and his brother Nick at the show in Denver.

They had a black box and we watched Spice.

Spice.

This is the...

We may have talked about this before.

I don't know.

And we're running it back.

Guess what?

If you know that well, take a break.

It is funny.

It is funny if the last time I was on here, we talked about spice, but I feel like we did.

Welcome to the spice market.

Yeah.

But

I remember him putting on spice and us.

This is what freaked me out is when I grew up and people were like, you never had jerk-off parties?

And it was like, dude, we were...

checking each other like people like there was i was getting a full-on boner and then like being like hi just like positioning myself and then i remember my friend jason had a pillow on his lap and they were like ah jason's getting a boner and he he was like, no, I'm not.

And he was like, tits, move, tits.

And they were like, I am.

I am.

I don't know what the fuck's going on.

You should be ashamed.

Yeah, everyone was like, ah.

And you're like, oh, fuck.

I'm feeling so much stuff.

But

I remember wanting to be alone with the black box.

Right, right.

Like, let me have it.

Yes.

And then Cinemax the free weekend.

That was the first time.

Yeah.

When they'd go, it's a, from your cable provider would be like, here's free.

Yeah, there was a lot of soft lighting and saxophone.

And steam.

And

a humidifier, Blarin.

Red Shoe Diaries or something like that.

Shout out David DuCovny.

Yeah.

People don't forget.

Also, there's an episode of Red Shoe Diaries with Kato Kalen in it.

And I only know that because as the OJ trial was going on, it was my heavy softcore jerking off stage.

That aligned perfectly.

94, 95.

I was huge in his life.

No joke, I was invited to a party tomorrow in L.A.

I'm not obviously not there.

Tomorrow, a birthday party that Kato Kalen will be in attendance at.

You could have talked about his episode of Red Shoe Diaries where he plays a mechanic.

I wouldn't.

I wish I was doing an overnight thing.

I'm like, God.

You'd scroll up and it'd be like, I need to talk to you about something, and it's not what you think.

Mano, I'm on a moment.

And I don't want to talk about the juice.

I want to talk about an episode.

I'm about to blow your mind, bro, but I want to talk about not OJ.

Brother, no one throws this pitch first.

Red Shoe Diaries.

You ate a lady's box on a red Corvette.

I always was like, what does this guy do?

It was always funny.

Like those things, it was always, Cinemax always was detectives, scruffed detectives with rich, horny wives who are never satisfied.

And for an 11-year-old boy, but that wasn't the woods.

We got to get back.

Where did the woods go?

So the first mag I saw, I remember.

I had, I don't think I, at that point, I don't think I really either have saw an erect penis or

it's like seeing violence for the first time.

Yeah, Yeah, or like saw it photographed from the angle it was

because it was like an aerial shot.

And I just remember like, like, I remember like doing a double take, like,

because, you know, this is from a magazine in the woods.

Yeah.

You look down, you understand that angle.

Sure.

But, like, it was like this angle I had never seen before.

Yeah.

And it almost looked like a turtle.

Yeah.

You know, like the bag.

The bag looked like the shell.

Yeah.

You know, and I was like, I remember being like, what?

I don't understand.

Like, what angle is this?

Yeah.

And, but I was also just like, eh, you know, I don't know what this is.

Yeah, that was, my dad worked at a liquor store and they had a

nudie mag like rack in the back.

And I stole one and went into the back.

This was at Dan's Liquors in Mill Valley.

And I took it and I went to the back and it was Marilyn Chambers.

who was having like a resurgence.

So she was like coming back.

I remember that era.

I remember.

And what she did is she would, this is the first time I saw saw a vagina yeah and she had her like lips spread and i just remember being like a little boy being like it seems very invasive yeah that's all i remember is being like yo that's crazy i'm looking inside your body it's a bit much it's a much it's a bit much it's a bit much it's like just yeah boobs yeah listen i'm i anvy

show me your tip yeah i i saw i already saw it i i already saw a body double with melanie griffiths oh my god that was my first that was my first tits on screen i already saw tits pop out of a cake in undersea

Past this.

But this, I was like, my lord, it felt so

medical.

Medical.

Yes.

It felt medical.

The first time I saw hardcore porn, I was, this is why it is bad that kids have access to porn now.

Because I was probably 14, 13.

13 or 14.

And the first time I saw hardcore porn, and I was like, this feels like a surgery video.

This just feels.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This feels like I'm watching someone get like an appendectomy or something.

Like, this doesn't feel.

It's crazy though.

Back then, it was only narrative.

It was.

It was strictly narrative.

And they took a minute to get there too.

Like you had to sit through

the narrative.

They go, they might fuck.

They're flirting.

Yeah.

She's in a towel.

Yeah.

But what's funny is I think we've removed that.

This is something that a point I made about.

with Jeffrey Asmus, that everything is porn now.

We've taken the front end of porn and chopped it off and we just put the sex online and then we use this for everything else.

Yeah.

Where we go, this is everything.

This is, we're going to make like the stuff even we're talking about that we like, where they clean someone's yard.

Yeah.

They make it a little porn where they go, right?

Is this lonely man going to need his lawn cleaner?

And he goes, my wife died.

And it's like,

they should put 70s porn music to all of them.

Yeah.

He's like

mowing.

I'm like, fuck,

fucking cleaning it up.

But it is.

But it wasn't even like the typical stuff in there in the early days.

It wasn't even like, oh, pizza delivery.

I see where this is going.

It was like a family struggling for power.

You know what I mean?

They're like, oh, this is about workers' rights.

And then now they're having sex.

This is insane.

I didn't even realize they were going to have sex in that strawberry field.

I thought this was,

that is one of the things where now they just go, cut it off and put it right in there.

You need to go back to just enjoying stuff.

It's the instant thing.

It's like ordering.

I want to tell you, I feel like we should shame

companies now, but in better for it.

We need to aim our shame better.

Okay.

Ooh, that's a good thing.

You got a slogan in there somewhere.

You got a catchphrase.

Maybe it's a new segment.

It's time to aim your shame.

Yeah.

But I feel like people now, because everything's instant,

it's like a lot more dishonest.

Where they're like, they don't tell you everything about it.

You just order it and you get it.

You go, I have a fucking.

Like, what?

What do you mean?

I ordered jeans.

Katie bought me for Christmas a couple years ago.

She bought me a pair of gap jeans.

i mean i i myself have to get my body into those jeans prior to ordering and this is or at least know that i can send it right back prepaid but that's that's why i

i found a pair she got them for me for christmas she did the i don't know if you're gonna like them loved them went and got another pair

i always double up when i find something that fits me good because you go i just need more of this yeah so now it's starting to come now i'm on tour and i'm you know i'm gonna i wear my jeans until they till they're fucking rot yeah i wear them I'm still that.

That's how we grew up.

Yeah.

You have a pair of jeans, then they fall apart, and you get another pair of jazz airports.

And then you get another pair of jeans.

So we're at the point where they're starting to both fall apart at the same time.

I did laundry and I lifted them up and I saw little holes in the jean pockets.

I was like, all right, got to get in.

Yeah, but sometimes that's a nice patina.

It is.

You know, you want that on there because you can only get that through the wear.

Yeah.

I mean, sometimes they try to manufacture that and sell it to you off the rack, but you know it's not the same.

I need my touch on that.

My buttons to rub that.

So sometimes it's nice, but there's not a sometimes there's not a lot of a window

between when they begin to fray and when they finally are gone.

That's like the golden window, right?

My favorite pair had no golden wings.

He loves these jeans.

My golden window, my favorite pair, the golden window, non-existent.

All of a sudden I see it's there.

I wash it, belt loop breaks on the back.

Now we're fucked.

Orders from Gap, I take a picture.

You can go to a local tailor and get that.

Belt loop is not, you can, there's not no.

Wear through another parts stops me.

Okay.

Because I go, i'll fix this and then everything else i've brought jeans to i've brought the jeans i that i love

to the tailor three times like it's a patchwork job like it's a frankenstein also i feel like tailors aren't getting a lot of biz right now so maybe i do bring that in i had a blown out hole in the crotch just ripped open i like i patched it from the inside i got a patch here a patch in the back when the belt loop started to rip and started to have a hole i took care of it because i was like i have to have these forever i like this i think i might do that but i ordered i took a picture of the inside pocket, same make, same model and everything.

And ordered them.

They got here.

They fucking, they threw me a curveball.

That's how they got you.

They threw me a curveball.

Now they have

side pockets like a mom.

Yeah, but meanwhile.

Because I put them on Getty's like, but those are mom pigs.

We were both laughing.

It was this morning.

Yeah, I got so mad.

But it was the same skew.

It was the same SKU number?

Yes.

Yeah, that's bullshit now.

I was like, dude, what?

I hate that.

I don't like when they do that shit.

I'm returning them in my mind.

I don't know when they do that shit.

Because there's a gap about 10 blocks away.

I'm walking them in.

They keep walking them in.

But it's the next season.

It's not an identical product.

Dude, I fucking...

It's not.

Yeah.

It's not.

And this is why we need to shame them.

Stop.

If you have something that works, just keep doing that.

Yeah.

Keep doing that.

Bobby and them made fun of me on the regs for this thick collar because I like, but these shirts are Abercrombie and Fitch.

I'm not facial right now.

I've loved you since the day I met you.

And every time I'm with you, and it reinforces my love.

Yeah, thank you.

I'm a thick collar guy all the way.

You kidding me?

I hate a stretch, thin collar.

But I like it.

It's like they're in between.

that's nice yes that's gonna keep its shape abbercrombie and fitch did a great job with these t-shirts last year their heavyweight t-shirts were unbelievable but they're soft they don't pill they don't pill have some stretch in them they're great they're soft they're so soft yeah and so i bought i liked it when i and again when i like something my brain is like get seven of them this is all we wear now yes that happened with my nike hoodies that happened with everything it's a part possible partially a retardation i'm not aware of but

they say they say very intelligent people wear wear the same exact clothes.

I don't know.

I'm just like, I don't want to make the decisions.

I'm showing it fashionable.

But then Abercrombie and Fitch, I'm like, let me go buy more shirts.

And they go, oh, we do a different version now.

And it's the collar on you.

You go, you sons of bitches.

You fucking.

I feel like the end of Planet of the Apes.

You blew it all up.

You blew it out.

You blew it all up.

I found my favorite.

Black t-shirt of all time.

The wash on it was that it was already faded from this place made well.

Great.

I'm wearing this.

I looked them up.

I'm wearing it left and right it's i'm dressing it up i'm dressing it down i'm wearing it with shorts i'm wearing it out at night didn't even matter it was on stage awesome it took pole position and i have 600 t-shirts yeah and i was favoring this i would say you're uh you have an elite collection of t-shirts thank you thank you thank you very much and so i went back to get more when i realized oh my god this is the shirt sure and and and and they didn't have it anymore they had a different version they didn't try to pawn it off as the same version but they didn't have anything close to it.

I'm sad to say that about two months ago, my wife shrunk it in the wash.

And

before she did it, I said, please don't shrink this.

And you only had one of them.

She said, I didn't do anything different than I ever do.

I did it in a cold cycle, and I did it in like a medium, whatever, what have you.

I was like, this should have never hit the dryer.

A low tumble.

It should have never hit the dryer.

This should have air dry.

Not even on a low tumble.

You don't even want to risk it with a shirt like this.

We don't even want to risk it.

And your lovely wife's defense.

And your lovely wife's defense.

And I just said, she's done two things in the last couple of years that really got me.

This one, and then when I was at the Knicks game, I wanted her to tape me when they put me on the big screen.

I told her seven times, just be ready.

Just be ready when I'm happy.

Just be ready when it happens.

I want to put it on.

So just be ready when it happens.

It came up.

She didn't fucking record me.

She got the last second of it.

I was up there for 10 seconds.

All she got was this.

Yeah.

That's it.

And I was like, babe, I couldn't have.

I mean, this is why you're here tonight.

She was like, why you're here was to capture that for me.

But she was excited.

I get it.

Because you were with it and you go, that's you.

Yeah, no, she like it.

And then like halfway through, she like picked it up and i was i was on the screen looking at her my face on the screen was like what are you doing this is halfway over so my advice in defense of your lovely wife yes i she's amazing i feel like but this was a real up if i'm being honest with a t-shirt to become a favorite t-shirt it needs to be able to take a little abuse so you need to dry it first because then if it survives that drying and it still fits you well that's when you go back yeah and you fucking round up everyone now i have a mandate now i literally will make a pile i go these don't get, I'm taking it into my own hands now.

She left me no choice.

She didn't.

She didn't.

But I understand that.

But next time you find a shirt you like,

before it's your favorite shirt, dry it on a low tumble.

See how it goes.

And then if it still fits you, go back and order as many as you can.

Right.

Because I made the mistake.

I only bought one pair when I liked these gap jeans.

I should have got four of them, son of bitches.

Especially if they're running a deal.

Yeah.

Come on.

Were they running a deal?

If they're running a deal, I mean.

Oh, speaking of which, we're coming up on Black, you know, those Black Friday deals.

Yeah.

What am I doing?

You get ahead of that.

Get ahead of that.

But I'm still returning my gap jeans because they gave me mom jeans and I'm bringing them fucking back.

Yeah, return them.

I'm going to return them face to face.

I found, I was in France, and you know this because you speak French.

Yeah, I was took eight years of it, retained none of it.

I was in Paris in like the fall of like 2017.

Okay.

And I found a place

that had jeans that I liked.

And I was like, I can't, I can't believe the fit of these jeans.

and so I bought I bought six pairs I bought three pairs of jeans so it was uh and did you try them all on I tried them all on right there black very dark dark blue and like the traditional blue then I bought a pair of the same exact cut in a dress pant great and then I bought two khaki pairs they all fit amazing those are my six pants plus this is the only one I've added since 2017.

If I'm in a pant, it's one of those six pants.

Can I tell you right now?

now?

Do you believe that?

Can I tell you right now?

I swear to God.

That is the morality that I strive for.

That is what that is to me.

Thank you.

What that represents to me and my friend Sal is consistency.

Yeah.

Is understanding.

More importantly, foresight.

You saw what you liked.

Yeah.

You got a bunch of people.

Eight years now.

Eight years.

I had those six pants and this.

I swear to God, you pull up any clip of me online ever.

It's one of those pants.

I love it.

I absolutely love it.

And I'm a little worried because I went back.

Last year, I realized that we're on like year eight and I'm like, oh, like I can get these tailored this if they rip and fix it on it, but let me just go back and just see what this company is up to now.

And they had a full rebranding.

See, and now

it's like now, and by the way, like I, I like a tapered leg.

I do, I do, you know, and now the wide leg is really back in fever.

I love a wide leg.

Yeah, I grew up with the wide leg.

I'm a wide leg guy.

I don't want to be a wide leg now because I'm wider now.

So the wide leg doesn't suit me.

You know, but when I was in like college and stuff, the wide leg was, I was kidding me, they called me Ali wide legs, right?

Like, I had the wide legs, everything.

Finding good pants is like finding love.

You stop looking for it and it appears.

Yeah.

And then you hold on to it.

Yeah.

Hold on to those.

You hold on to them.

So they're not going to get me anymore.

This company.

So now I know that one day, hopefully not too soon, though, I'll need to begin the journey of finding the perfect pair of jeans.

And I'm on that journey, and I'll let you know how it goes.

I do wonder with stuff like podcasts if that company that made your favorite t-shirt would see this and they'd go like, I'm really fucked up.

Clip it, Pimpy, please.

Clip that shit.

I ain't above that shit.

We need that t-shirt.

Oh, fuck you.

You got a YoMTV raps pack?

The local radio in Denver gave us the name.

Dude, so we haven't done cards.

First off, Sal Volcano on tour right now.

Salvolcano.com.

Salvolcanocomedy.com.

Salvolcanocomedy.com.

Yes.

On tour, go get tickets.

He's fucking hilarious.

He's one of the best.

And And I'm so glad you came back on tour.

Thank you.

I got tons of cities up there, and I'm adding a ton.

I'm going all the way to 27.

But just to call out Chicago Theater, November 14th, if this comes out before then,

Beacon Theater, December 27th.

The Ryman, April 12th, Atlantic City.

And then truly, there's like 40 cities up there, and I'm adding more.

So check that out.

Salvolcano.com.

What's the name of the tour?

SalvolcanoComedy.com.

God damn it.

Salvolcano Comedy.com.

Everything's fine, tour.

Great.

Everything's fine, tour.

And then I have a new talk show coming out called Minoosh, which I want to to talk to you about, Pimpy, called Minoosh in the late fall, early winter.

And I'm doing it in 10 episode seasons.

And it's basically like really big guests, really small talk.

And it's kind of like it goes in and out of real conversation and sketch comedy.

Nice.

It's fun.

It's different.

It's very fun.

Yeah, it's fun as.

It's going to be on your YouTube.

It's going to be on my YouTube and wherever you listen to the podcast.

Yes, Minoosh.

Sal Volcano.

And I think you see what's in my hand.

So you know that this Saturday, there's a...

There's a fucking,

there's a card.

We haven't done cards in forever.

But Sal's back?

The last time.

pulled the Jordan.

I pulled the Jordan last time.

Yeah.

You run it back with some yoga.

You were very kind to give to me.

Yeah.

And that's so nice that you could have kept that.

Yeah, no, I wouldn't have kept it.

Yeah.

But I love you.

Go see Sal on tour right now.

Go buy tickets.